#i've spent my entire life fighting this uphill battle

[nerdishpursuits]

This show really said Nihil sine Marta. There's no front where she doesn't have to do battle and defend. The sheer amount of pressure she's under right now is overwhelming. If Marta gets out of this without any health issues, I'd be surprised. At least there's a silver lining. For while most of the world is out to destroy her, she finds solace, passion and love in Fina's arms. They are each other's strength and watching them reaffirm their devotion and commitment to each other, time and again, is both heartwarming and inspiring.

I don't think I've ever seen such a well-developed sapphic relationship on TV. It feels like a breath of fresh air and it's a joy to watch it unfold and grow. They’ve planted their flag and defend it, standing tall in the face of so much adversity. How far they’ve come. Does it mean they are unafraid now? Of course not. But they are embracing their truth and choosing each other every day in spite of that fear. Because the love they have for each other is worth fighting for, is worth facing the entire world for.

Speaking of an unfolding narrative. They are truly putting them through the ringer. And it's most likely only the tip of the iceberg. The constant stress they are under is debilitating. Inimicus ante Portas: hurling their accusations, making their demands, snarling in condescension. There's blood in the water and Marta's enemies would only declare themselves sated if they were to witness her downfall, professionally and personally. At this point in the narrative, it's a miracle she's still standing. But like she confessed to Fina: as long as they have each other? Marta will not fall. Therefore, I find myself dreading the kind of blow that would bring Marta to her knees. The kind of blow that would pull Fina asunder too. Would it make for delicious angst? Certainly. Would it hurt? Most definitely.

Nevertheless, while all those fires rage and consume? Marta de la Reina continues on her own quest, one that bestows upon her the title of Great, True Romantic. Endangered too. For hopelessly romantic she is. Judging by the way Mafin is written? I'm inclined to think it's mostly penned by someone who is either profoundly in love, or someone who has loved beyond measure. I also suspect it's most likely a woman / women. For who else bleeds on the page this way? Don't you see, we only have each other. You are everything to me. My strength, everything. I am safe as long as you are safe. There is no turning back, I cannot conceive of my life without you. By your side, I feel that I can face the entire world. The only thing that could undo me is losing you ... I don't want you to suffer and endure humiliation the way that I have. My sole desire is for your safety ... You will not lose me ... I’ve spent half my life adrift, bound to the inertia of others, confined to the shadows, until I found her and she became my light. You cannot ask me to give her up, because you’d be asking me to die while my heart still beats.

It will be an arduous uphill battle but I think Marta's words are also prophetic in nature. There is no turning back for them. The road ahead is together, as one, no matter the sorrow, no matter the cost. Regardless of how much they'll have to wander? Through hope and despair and back again? As long as they have each other? They are not lost.

Speaking of their wanderings through the land of plot. Chairwoman Marta. Pelayo's confession that Marta is his lover, while briefly throwing Don Pedro off the scent, most likely feeds into Carpena’s misogyny. To me he comes across like the kind of man who, deep down, believes women don’t belong in business. The kind of man who thinks women only succeed when they play the seduction card. Which is infuriating for someone of Marta's caliber, who has worked her fingers to the bone to be worthy of her current position. Her intellect, determination and hard work won her the mantle of leadership. Maybe the show wasn't even trying to make this point but Carpena's immediate, sleazy grin upon hearing Pelayo's confession? It irked me because, of course, the only possible way Marta could have gained Pelayo's interest and favor? Her womanly wiles. Points for Pelayo, though. Seems like he's trying to be a good friend and protect Marta as much as he can. And on to rant some more (I'm afraid this post is getting out of hand - for the life of me, I can't seem to keep it short *sigh*)

I’m not one to cuss (much, eh @midniteowlet 😏?) but today it feels warranted. All the idiots coming out of the woodwork with pitch-forks and battle-rams and having lost their intellect, meagre as it is, along the way.

The Merino Bros & their mommy dearest, Pedro and, quite possibly, Tasio? A tomar por cu**.

Marta's face listening to lunacy after lunacy is an absolute poem.

Currently? Marta is the only one making informed decisions that benefit them all. Alongside Damián? She’s the only one who knows how to run the business so they all stand to gain and the workers have job security (I suppose Jesús has business acumen too but his Machiavellian ways leave a lot to be desired)

Which makes it pretty obvious they were going to try and take Marta down. That all these spineless, envious men cannot stand seeing a woman in power. A woman who outsmarts them at every turn and who actually thinks things through.

On the bright side? Should Marta lose the executive chair? I want to see how mama’s boy Joaquin goes running to Marta &. co. later, begging for help, because he’s sinking the business with his arsinine attitude and decisions. I want the Merino to fail so spectacularly they choke on it.

The business with the bathhouse will go up in flames because Joaquin and Luis lack intuition for business. What drives them is an underlying desire for vengeance and a need to satisfy their ego by calling the shots. Competency is not part of their vocabulary. They’re utterly insufferable, terribly immature and are woefully unprepared for what it means to be in charge. Their incompetency, if left unchecked, will prove disastrous for the company.

And then we have Digna. On the one hand? She lived up to her name and acted with dignity, keeping the promise she made Marta and Fina: that she would protect their secret and would never expose them. The fact that she made it clear to Pedro she wouldn't use such harmful rumors to hurt her niece, or the young woman she considers a daughter? It speaks of her capacity to empathize and understand. On the other hand? Her lack of business expertise shows in how she approaches the bathhouse project. She tries to gaslight Marta with talk of family and respect, while showing Marta absolutely no deference or familial support. Digna possesses zero knowledge about running a company. But she has the gall to lecture Marta about it, all because her crybaby sons demand instant gratification and loathe the fact that Marta is in power. The Merino are a sorry bunch and while I feel truly sorry for Gervasio’s demise? If he was as good a business man as his sons? I see why Damián felt he needed to run the company himself (I don’t agree with his methods, of course, but one cannot deny that the Merino family are an executive liability). It also irks me that Digna has the nerve to condescendingly call Marta daughter, while going behind her back and giving Tasio the proverbial knife, urging him to betray his sister. And to think Marta, generously and kindly, wanted to give Tasio a chance. Felt indebted to him, even, and wanted to start anew, as siblings. No matter how they twist and turn his character, he ends up falling short somehow. Or doesn't he?

And since Tasio dearest is next on the block? Much like the Merino brothers? A deplorably mediocre man, crying to Marta about how dependent he is on his wife. For how dare Marta send Carmen on a business trip, which is part of her responsibilities as store overseer, given he cannot function without her help?

Poor Tasio. Who’s going to do the dishes now, who’s going to iron his shirts and cook his meals? Woe be him. I honestly can’t with his level of incompetence and stupidity. To have the gall to launch veiled threats at Marta concerning her relationship with Fina (trying to take credit for piecing it all together while knowing full well it’s Carmen who dropped the ball, spectacularly might I add) and insinuating Marta is playing favorites? The level of idiocy this man possesses is truly astounding. As is the level of self-projection Tasio is doing here. Quite noteworthy.

If he only stopped to think for a minute, he’d realize:

1. Fina is Carmen’s right hand at the store. As such, she has the most experience to help out in this situation.

2. Marta emphasized it’s a temporary solution. Tasio’s entire reasoning here is a case of that aforementioned self-projection: he knows full well he’d show favoritism if he were in charge, which is something he confessed to Carmen he’d do. So Tasio filters Marta’s decision through his own, faulty thought-sieve. Heavens help him. Not to mention he's also easy to manipulate. That moral high-horse the Merino are riding? I can't wait to seem them all trampled into the dirt.

3. Mighty hypocritical of Tasio to claim Fina is being ascended (again, temporarily) due to special treatment, when his own promotion is a case of nepotism (unlike his wife, who Marta ascended based on her competence and hard work - wife, who Tasio never threw his support behind, too jealous of her new position). Same story with the shares Tasio received from Marta. His level of entitlement here? It’s that outlandish and that outrageous.

That being rambled? Because Tasio is often such a narrow-minded, pathetic little man? He might cast the deciding vote to remove Marta as CEO. For while Tasio often wants to best himself? He also remains profoundly petty, terribly misinformed and someone who shouldn't be sitting on board meetings. Were it not for Marta’s kindness and goodwill? He’d only have his father’s name and gratitude, and little else.

And what’s going to be Marta’s thank you for it all? Quite possibly a knife to the back. Should that occur, which it might, I do wonder how Tasio thinks he will fit within the de la Reina family in the aftermath? After all, his display of ''business shrewdness'' would prove ruinous. Even Jesús votes for Marta (because in spite of their differences he recognizes she is smart, would never vote against his family and sees the Merino brothers for the fools they truly are) And that’s saying something. So if Tasio really wants to become a pariah in the eyes of his new family? By all means. Vote with their incompetent adversaries. Ultimately, Damián will be more lenient in forgiving him, I suspect. But Tasio would be proving himself undeserving, uninformed, unreasonable and willfully ignorant. Of course, previews are often deliberately misleading and who knows, another Brutus might be lurking in the shadows. Andres maybe? He's so utterly useless, incompetent and easy to manipulate it's pathetic. If Jesús remains the only brother who amounts to anything? Oh, the laughter.

Sure, things might not go down that way at all. Marta might not lose the executive chair, Tasio might not vote against her while Andres could and Don Pedro could resort to blackmail to remove her from the board. As always, we shall see when the episode airs. But goddamn, these PEEople are beyond exhausting. Marta needs that vacation with Fina and she needs it yesterday.

P.s the last gif on the right? that's also me upon realizing how goddamn verbose this post is. Off to word-jail with me!!!

[exospherethoughts]

I don't know how to feel. My psychiatrist told me I do have OCD, and now I just, don't know how to feel or what to do. I know logically speaking, having the label doesn't change my symptoms or what my daily experiences are, but it still feels so devastating to know there's another separate thing wrong with me. Some of the things I thought were just quirks are compulsions, habits I picked up that I *need* to do to keep my anxiety manageable are things I'm going to have to learn to stop doing, I'm questioning the source of every single thought I have now, I don't know how much of who I am is actually me and how much of it is the OCD (which things are quirks and which ones are compulsions? which thoughts are really mine and which ones are seeds of intrusive thoughts? do I even have any thoughts anymore that aren't obsessive spirals?), I feel the need to tease apart what is OCD and what's ADHD but that in and of itself is a compulsion, I feel like I have to monitor everything that goes through my head to check if it's an obsession/compulsive rumination (is that a compulsion too?), I'm so tired. I want a moment of peace and quiet, just a moment of silence, a break. But nothing makes it go quiet. Drinking helps for a little while but even that just numbs things out a bit, it doesn't make my mind go properly quiet. I wish I could put my head through a bloody wall.

[ir-abelas-vhenan]

Fermented Fruit Juice

I saw a post a while ago talking about how Varric ended up "winning" against Solas, and really liked it. I've been revisiting a lot of Inquisition dialogue lately and found perhaps my favorite conversation between the two when it comes to highlighting their ideological differences. It also foreshadows why Varric "wins" at the end of Veilguard (within the confines of the endgame choices we're given) even in death.

The crux of it: Varric lives in a world in which his very existence is an act of resistance, while Solas sees resistance as a trial that must be endured to get desired results.

As always, once I get started I'm sure this will be very long, but I love that we got the chance to see a very rare instance in which Solas concedes a point to one of his companions.

Solas: Once, in the Fade, I saw the memory of a man who lived alone on an island. Most of his tribe had fallen to beasts or disease. His wife had died in childbirth. He was the only one left. He could have struck out on his own to find a new land, new people. But he stayed. He spent every day catching fish in a little boat, every night drinking fermented fruit juice and watching the stars.

Varric: I can think of worse lives.

Solas: How can you be happy surrendering, knowing it will all end with you? How can you not fight?

Varric: I suppose it depends on the quality of the fermented fruit juice.

As always with Inquisition dialogue, I am obsessed. But this moment does such a great job of laying out the fundamental building blocks of each character.

Solas comes right out of the gate and lets us know who he is. He is united with the man living in the ruin of all that his life used to be.

Solas, too, is living alone in a world where all he once knew has been taken from him. Before his sleep he had a master to serve, and then a rebellion to lead. He fought, he was relentless; his people were suffering but they were whole. There were opportunities to find comfort, familiarity, or even just a new normal amongst new lands and people, but he rejected them (I think perhaps this is best shown through the murder of Felassan/the plot of the Masked Empire). Now, he lives as much as he possibly can in the fade and waits for his opportunity to restore the world he believes he ruined in his quest to save it (imprisoning the Evanuris through the creation of the veil).

Varric, conversely, has been tearing his way through this (to Solas) new world his entire life. I also think it's worth noting that his attitude is probably an absolute smack in the face to Solas, who knows what the dwarves once were and is responsible for the loss of their dreams and the ruination of the titans. But Varric doesn't need to know what was lost in order to know what an uphill battle he faces in Thedas as a dwarf. And fuck, he's from Kirkwall, he knows exactly how much worse life can get than a quiet existence with food, drink, and the stars for company.

But because these two have such a cool dynamic of agree-to-disagree/mutual admiration for each other, Varric thinks the story over and renews the discussion.

Varric: What's with you and the doom stuff? Are you always this cheery or is the hole in the sky getting to you?

Solas: I've no idea what you mean.

Varric: All the "fallen empire" crap you go on about. What's so great about empires anyway?

Varric: So we lost the Deep Roads, and Orzammar's too proud to ask for help. So what? We're not Orzammar and we're not our empire.

Varric: There are tens of thousands of us living up here in the sunlight now, and it's not that bad.

Varric: Life goes on. It's just different than it used to be.

Solas: And you have no concept of what that difference cost you.

Varric: I know what it didn't cost me. I'm still here, even after all those thaigs fell.

God I love what the dialogue in these games used to be. There's so much I could talk about, but I think what I want to focus on is the idea of empire being so smoothly fitted in to the discussion.

Varric, knowing Solas isn't fully satisfied with his answer, ruminates and comes back swinging. This is also where I'll add that part of the reason I think Varric throws Solas so badly is because he's what Felassan could have been with more time to form his arguments. When Solas made the choice to take Felassan's game piece off the board, our favorite slow arrow was just coming to terms with the idea that there is beauty in taking what an imperfect world offers you and making the best of it. Varric is comfortable in this viewpoint, and Solas can't just kill him on a mission or at Skyhold. He has no choice but to hear the argument he fights to ensure he doesn't have to hear.

And damn, what an argument. Without meaning to, Varric cuts to the quick of what has been haunting Solas. You cannot snap your fingers and re-establish Empire as it once was. Orzammar has cordoned itself off from the rest of the world, does not ask for help, and clings to an ever-crumbling old order. Even if you tried, too much has changed. Dwarves are not what they once were, and more and more have returned to the surface. Life goes on. It's just different than it used to be. And Solas has never been able to confront that possibility.

True to form, he pushes back. But why not give it a try? Why take what you've been given when you could wrest what you've been denied from the hand that holds it? How can you do nothing?

Solas: You truly are content to sit in the sun, never wondering what you could’ve been, never fighting back?

Varric: Ha, you’ve got it all wrong, Chuckles. This is fighting back.

Solas: How does passively accepting your fate constitute a fight?

Varric: In that story of yours—the fisherman watching the stars, dying alone—you thought he gave up right?

Solas: Yes.

Varric: But he went on living. He lost everyone, but he still got up every morning. He made a life, even if it was alone.

Varric: That’s the world. Everything you build, it tears down. Everything you’ve got, it takes—and it’s gone forever. The only choices you get are to lie down and die or keep going. He kept going. That’s as close to beating the world as anyone gets.

Solas: Well said. Perhaps I was mistaken

And then Varric hits him with it: a life alone is still a life. There is nothing that time will not take from us. What Solas fails to understand (and we can blame this on his pride, on his crusade he cannot lay down until he is free of his duty to Mythal, or his straight-up sentimentality) is that if Elvhenan hadn't fallen through the actions of the Evanuris and those he took to stop them, it would have been something else. Life is a wailing gnashing unrelenting song that will never be satisfied and can never cease dragging all that falls before it into its maw in the hopes that finally something will be enough. When it tears something down, your only choices are to "lie down and die or keep going." And again, as a Kirkwall survivor, Varric knows this. An occupying force remove your political leader? Quell the violence and try again. The chantry explodes? Save the city's mages from their bloodthirsty jailer and make sure there's a tomorrow where you can fight to fix it.

We know this doesn't dissuade Solas, the burden he's placed upon himself it too great, the ways that war has shaped him have scarred deep. Part of the tragedy of Solas is how he's been walking the dinan'shiral so long that he is incapable of turning around. Every step he takes has sent sharp rocks cutting into his feet, and it would kill him to turn around and see just how little of a distance he's covered. He cannot let go of resistance as a concentrated action, as fighting until there's nothing left but ruination.

But it is no small feat on Varric's part to get the Dread Wolf himself to concede a point. And a step further than that, Solas respects his friend, and respects the life he's built amongst the scraps of what once was. I don't doubt for a minute that Varric was a key part of why Solas was able to start seeing the world around him as a little more real.

And then of course we get Veilguard.

It is here that Solas dooms himself.

"You came a long way and made a valiant effort, Varric, but this story does not end with my downfall."

But it does. Because even if Varric, like Felassan, is taken off the table, Rook endures. And what is Rook in this game if not the very continuation of Varric's fighting spirit: an absolutely untested newbie who through miracle after miracle (regardless of the issues I may take with that) is the very portrait of "But he went on living" ?

Varric may not get to be the one to talk Solas down at the very end of the game after Mythal waves her hand and unleashes her second-in-command, but by delaying long enough to stop the ritual, by refusing to give up on his friend that stares at the stars every night with nothing but his fermented fruit juice for company, he ensured someone would be around who could.

In one of the less kind endings that person is Rook, dragging themselves into the fade with Solas out of sheer spite or sending him there against his will. In the kinder endings, it is the Inquisitor, letting their friend/heart know that at last, merely surviving another day is enough. And I like to think that it is within those kinder endings that Solas thinks of Varric each time he works to soothe the titan's dreams and make life just a little better for the tens of thousands living in the sunlight. Perhaps, in this world where he is finally free, he appreciates the gravity of ensuring others have a chance to keep living in a world that is hell-bent on taking. Maybe he even finds a cup of that fermented fruit juice in the fade, sits with his feet dangling over an endless abyss, and drinks to his friend's honor.

I'll leave y'all with a final bit of dialogue I love.

RIP Varric Tethras, an absolute fucking baddie who forced Fen'harel himself to part with just a smidge of his pride and recognize someone that reminded him of what he once was--wiser than most--and in the subtext of this conversation, wiser than a pining spirit of wisdom himself.

Solas: Do you ever miss life beneath the earth? The call of the Stone?

Varric: Nah. Whatever the Stone - capital S - is, it was gone by the time my parents had me.

Solas: But… do you miss it?

Varric: How could I miss what I never had?

Varric: But say I did have that sense, that connection to the Stone. What would it cost me?

Varric: Would I lose my friends up here? Would I stop telling stories?

Varric: I like who I am. If I want to hear songs, I'll go to a tavern.

Solas: You are wiser than most.

[fmab]

ok sorry long vent post below i suppose

i had a really good day today and i have been doing better since January started and holding hope for the future. But i think being around so many friends who i love and care about and also thinking about how future happy and healthy relationships will go is making me reflect a lot on the 5 years that i was with [redacted] and literally just how fucked up so much shit he did was. And how hypocritical he was.

I've talked about it before but it was just nuts how genuinely cruel he could be despite being so insecure. Like if he was mad at someone/hated someone (no matter if it was for a good reason to hate them) for some reason fatphobia/ableism etc was on the table. despite acting like he was body positive he'd turn around and say this shit and even in a few instances even try to insult me for my weight too. Despite being so insecure about his intelligence (he was smart) he was so incredibly quick to call other people stupid/brainless etc. and yeah i guess even when we were fighting he would say that shit to me too and call me stupid. idk he was just so full of these contradictions like this. he was so cruel and constantly lashing out at me to make me leave. He expected everyone to leave him and when they didnt he would lash out violently to get them to leave because he believed he was a bad person and then used it as confirmation for why he should be alone forever when they left. I kept myself in that cycle for literal years, trying to prove to him that he wouldn't have to be alone, because i loved him and wanted to be proof that someone wouldn't leave because there is love and hope and good in the world. i wanted to be that so badly but he could not believe it and would never let himself have anything good. Why did i ever put up with that cycle of cruelty for so long.

It was always a constant uphill battle. Yeah he was recovering from trauma and deeply affected by it but the way he threw people under the bus who were also suffering and recovering from trauma is crazy. I will never forget how when we met he was very scared/wary/mistrustful of people with dissociative disorders to the point where he literally asked our friends who had did not to talk about it/their alters not to talk to him because he'd been abused by someone who had allegedly faked did. Like we literally had to hide that part of ourselves from him. And at the time, i was going through a psychotic break and deeply unstable and dealing with my own dissociative disorder's symptoms and trying to figure out what was going on. But because I was in that vulnerable position I internalized that so much that i literally became incapable of talking about my more troubling dissociative disorder symptoms with almost anyone. instead of trying to unpack those things i squished them down. And cut to a couple years later and he was literally diagnosed with DID :| All that and i still couldn't make myself take that barrier down and talk to him about that part of my mental health despite him trying to let me know i could now bc he was experiencing that shit himself. That shit has still stayed with me and permeated other parts of my life and mental health struggles even now. I still dont know how to talk about my various disorders without assuming ill make someone uncomfortable/think im faking/think im fucking crazy. idk how to talk abt my dissociative disorder shit with anyone and feel like I can only talk about my bpd with my friend of 12 years who also has bpd. and i dont even know where to begin with my psychosis.

idk i have so many good friends now and im not isolated and i feel so much genuine love and care but i feel like i was emotionally stunted after 5 years of being with that guy. For the first entire year and a half after breaking it off with him i couldn't even be there for my other friends who were suffering. id spent my every ounce of energy on him that my friends suffering just made me sad and scared like i needed to flee. i think one of the most traumatizing experiences (that happened multiple times) was when he would literally drink entire bottles of wine and be so drunk that he could not even talk, and i had to sit on the phone with him because i was absolutely terrified that he was going to die from alcohol poisoning or throw up and choke in his sleep. And i would just have to sit on the phone and listen to him scream incoherently and break things and throw up and cry harder than i have ever heard anyone cry before, because i was terrified he would die or try to kill himself and i wouldn't know. Trying to make yourself care about your friends who are suffering when the last time you invested everything you could into a relationship and it ended Like That was . incredibly hard. That recovery took so long and im finally better in that aspect, but for ages it made me feel like i had been turned into a husk of a person who was unable to help or care. I have better boundaries and i know my limits and how to help without extending myself to the point where ill be in that position. Sometimes i still do feel like a major part of me died when i left him, simply because it took So Much from me. i poured everything into that relationship. im so glad its over and id never go back but so much of me was dedicated to him that there was a huge void where it was before. there was a part of myself that was solely dedicated to trying to help him.

im not as sad as i was but its horrifying that i spent so many years with him and putting up with the horrific ways he acted and i should have cut it off sooner

[geek-fashionista]

Went to the doctor and got anxiety medication. After a summer of steadily worsening brain activity, I looked forward to the relief. My life back to normal!

Took half a pill the first day as instructed. Spent the entire day zoned out, half asleep, dizzy, and detached.

Took half a pill the next day. Was fine until I had a massive panic attack in the afternoon and could not stop dissociating for the rest of the day.

I have not taken any since.

Because from the moment I stared down that first dose, something within me said, "This is a mistake."

I'm not saying other people shouldn't take medication. There are many out there who need this more than I do, and I've psych background enough to keep recommending it in those extreme cases.

But this is not my solution. I took a total of one pill and my brain is still recovering two days later.

So what next?

I'm launching a full scale attack against my anxiety. Exercise. Spending my lunch breaks outside. Eating healthier food. Starting every day with Bible reading and prayer. Writing down my anxious thoughts and challenging them with truths, Biblical or otherwise.

I realize I'm fighting an uphill battle here. There are other habits I'm trying to fix at the same time, so it won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.

The fight for my life is over. The fight for my peace has just begun.

[marylandlifecoaching]

Mind Control

You say loss. I say lesson. And that is the difference in our days. Attitude is everything. Cultivate the art of flipping the narrative. Mindset... is mind control. You either run your mind, or your mind runs you. On those days where everything goes south, you get to decide if you're going there as well. You can give in, give up or simply change the narrative. Master the latter. 

You know that saying "Everyone is fighting an uphill battle." Yeah, it's pretty much bullshit. Yes there are plenty of people who are struggling. But not everyone. We all have stuff. Others are carrying around pain that is so enormous, many of us would fold. The problem is, everyone is comparing their pain to others. That's a losing scenario from the jump. And please stop trauma bonding. Having spent my entire life in mental health, I can honesty say that I have met very few professionals who would endorse trauma bonding. It's counterproductive. 

Trauma is a powerful force. It can be therapeutic and transformational. But wearing your trauma like a badge of honor is plain unhealthy. Yes, sit with it. But overrun your mind with positive and supportive thoughts. Mind your mind. What sounds better? Breast Cancer Victim, or Breast Cancer survivor? See what I am getting at here? Be so busy being positive that that negative no longer factors in. 

Some people master the art. Others will become a disaster because of it. The difference? Mindset. Mindset may not keep you alive. But it sure will help you feel alive. I've known people living with a disease, only to have died long ago. Sure, their body is functioning. But in their mind they're already dead. No joy, no beauty and no gratitude. Kind of fucked up, huh? 

Commit today, to be alive today. A beating heart and air in your lungs makes you alive. But that ain't living. That's life support. Dare to be different. See the lesson and not the loss. If you can do that, I promise you'll have more life in 20 years, than someone who spent their entire life holding onto pain. Bad things happen... to us all. But some of us don't give a fuck. We're too busy looking for the next miracle. Come join us.

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

hi, idk if this is okay but here goes... this blog's really helped me a lot in recovery from AN. i've been doing well lately. since diagnosis, i've been on my own with this bc the mental health system in my country is broken. i guess my question is, do you have any tips for continuing recovery during grief? a really close friend has just passed and i can't get myself to stomach even a bite. i just don't know what to do, i'm lost. thanks in advance, it's okay if you don't reply to this, really.

Hey! I am so glad this blog could help you, it’s truly an honor! Also I live in America, my healthcare system also sucks ass. Recently had symptoms of kidney infection- couldn’t go to an in person doctor because the only place that took my insurance was closed in my city and they wouldn’t set me an appointment in person, though I tried to get one. Basically just had to tough it out- it sucked. Basically trying to validate you- having shitty healthcare is basically the worst.

As for grief, I am really sorry to hear that your friend passed away. It’s an absolutely horrible thing to go through, for every good memory you had with them you have to remember time and time again that they aren’t here anymore, and that’s a feeling that takes a really long time to become more okay with. Not that it’s the same thing, as everyone’s relationship with grief is different, but I lost a close grandmother on January 30th, 2020. I mourn her everyday, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through in my entire life. Still is. I miss her every day, and think about her all the time.

So some words on grief.

1. Cheesy, but it does get better with time.

I read an allegory for grief, and I have found it to be true. Grief is like a big ball inside of a tiny box (which represents you). Every time the ball touches the side of the box- it hurts really bad. You cry, you stare at the wall for hours, you lose your appetite, a lot of things. At first- your ball of grief is huge- and it’s constantly and randomly hitting the sides of the box. For me- the time around my grandmother’s death and funeral, I was completely out of commission. I couldn’t stop crying, and when I did I couldn’t focus on anything. I was completely incompacitated for weeks. But then- over time, the ball of grief gets smaller and smaller, and touches the side of the box less and less. Now, I can think about her without bursting into tears, I look back on my time with her with a sense of nostalgia rather than sharp pain most of the time. Now while my ball of grief is smaller- sometimes it still randomly touches the sides of my box, and I break down crying (hell- I am tearing up now lol). That’s okay. It’s all apart of the process. The grief never fully goes away- but it becomes less and less consuming. This does not mean you love your loved one any less, it just means your body gets better at metabolizing their absence so it hurts less. Also not you can’t force the ball to get smaller before it’s ready to (believe me- I tried). Just let it happen.

2. Express your emotions healthily

Want to know what not to do? Keep your emotions locked into your chest. Especially if you have an ED, it’s important to let yourself cry as hard and as often as you need to. What you don’t get out now will bite you in the ass later. It’s so, so painful. I have never cried so hard in my entire life than I did at my grandmother’s funeral, I couldn’t even get a word of apology out. It felt awful, and vulnerable, and it wasn’t pleasant at all. Crying is not fun, but it was necessary. Afterwards, I felt soooo much better. This is because crying chemically is like letting the extra air out of a balloon about to pop. There is no shame in it. Do it, and do it often. As often as you need, don’t hold it in. Let the pain come, and then when it is ready it will pass. Remember what you don’t process now you most certainly will be forced to process later in the form of chronic pain, worse depression, worse ED symptoms, and worse health. Let it out.

3. There is no wrong way to grieve

So I just spent all that time talking about crying- but it’s also possible that your grief will express itself in other ways, such as feeling numb, or even feeling fine. The key thing is to not judge how your body metabolizes this. Let it do what it needs to do, and do not judge it. To it body will do what it needs to do, fighting it is a pointless uphill battle. Accept it with self compassion, console yourself like a friend would. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel numb, or to cry, or to be okay, etc. let it happen.

4. Reach out for support

Be it from a friend, a family member, or a therapist (or best- all three!) if you feel like it would help you, reach out and talk about how you are feeling, or do something distracting. Mod Lia and I called the night I saw my grandmother for the last time, and we didn’t talk about it much at all. We watched She-ra. That helped a lot. Later I called another friend and talked about how I was feeling. Later I talked about it with Mod Lia, too. And of course my therapist- who helped me process it in a healthy way. On that note, especially with an Ed, if you can, get a therapist. Do it. Better than anybody they will be able to help you find the healthiest way to grieve, and help provide tips and accountability for preventing the worsening of an ED.

5. Tips on not drop kicking your ED behaviors further into hell

Having a schedule for eating (and other necessary activities) really helped me. At certain times, regardless of wether or not I was hungry, I forced myself to eat just because it was food time. Doing this prevents you from slipping into ED behaviors, especially when it is easy to do. Having a therapist or a willing friend to hold you accountable can also help. Express your emotions healthily. Talk to your loved one still, on walks or however. Talk about them in conversation. Do things that remind you of them. Make a memorial for them- whatever that means to you. Allow them to still occupy space in your life, if that feels right. If not, that’s fine. Taking care of yourself is hard, but if you don’t you are going to make it worse for yourself. It’s like puting an ankleweight in when you are already drowning. Take intentional steps (such as setting reminders and alarms) to ensure you take care of yourself, and even see if there are people who would do it with you. Like if you are having a hard time eating, see if a friend will have lunch with you every day at a certain time, or a couple different people (over the phone if need be). Plans, for me, really help me keep it together.

To sum it up, the biggest thing is to not fight the grieving process, set specific schedules for different aspects of self care (with alarms), reach out when you need help, and be patient because it takes time.

There is nothing I can say to make your loss feel better, but it is so hard to lose someone, and I’m sorry you have to go through that. Be patient, don’t expect a ton of productivity out of yourself, and just wait out these unpleasant storms. Thing are never going to feel the same ever again, but eventually you will get used to a new normal, and that doesn’t mean you are doing them an injustice. Keep remembering them, and be patient with yourself.

Best of wishes,

Mod Cass

[heartfullofpony]

Swarm of the Century

I just re-watched Swarm of the Century. For those who don't remember, in this episode, adorable little creatures called parasprites are introduced as pets to various members of the main cast. Everypony goes goo-goo for these cuties...except for Pinkie Pie. She's the one who knows what they're called. She's the one who leaps immediately to action.

Pinkie spends the rest of the episode frantically looking for musical instruments while everypony else ignores her. When the parasprite problem predictably spirals out of control, the rest of the cast even goes so far as to criticize Pinkie for not helping. The twist, of course, is that Pinkie Pie had been enacting a plan all along.

In the end, Pinkie shows up as a one-pony- band, and pied-pipers the parasprites out of town.

Before I go into my personal take on the content, I just want to point out a few landmark "firsts" that happened in "Swarm of the Century."

-First time Ponyville gets trashed.

-First time the show lifts a trope from myths/folklore.

-First time the name of a new location in Equestria is dropped. (Fillydelphia).

-First time we really get a glimpse of what it's like to be Pinkie Pie. (And that's what I really want to talk about).

On a personal level, I really feel Pinkie Pie's frustration at not being taken seriously. Pinkie Pie episodes always have tremendous heart because they bring a bit of the unexpected. Throughout the series, other characters in the ensemble get pretty good exploration in episodes that are not their own. Pinkie on the other hoof, lives to make others smile, and is constantly putting on a happy face for the world. So to an outsider, she quite often comes off as a joke machine.

However, Pinkie Pie has an extremely rich inner life, and strong reasons for the things she does. This is explored and developed constantly throughout the series, but only in episodes that are specifically about her. I've written whole other essays about this phenomenon, and on what makes Pinkie Pie tick. But for now I'm just going to focus on the problem at hand in Swarm of the Century.

This episode was foundational because it recognized that Pinkie was different from everyone else around her, and posed a serious question: what challenges do those differences present?

Throughout this episode, she does not effectively communicate her intentions, and her friends conversely make no effort to listen to her. It's a perpetual motion machine. Some folks fault Pinkie entirely for her communication skills, but I think the problem runs deeper than that. Pinkie Pie has probably spent much of her life being dismissed as "random," and frankly, she has gotten used to it. Most of the time, it doesn't matter.

Here, she has advanced knowledge of a highly potent threat, and nopony understands, or even tries to listen. I think episode gives a lot of "silly kids" something to relate to. Even the most serious of children get unjustly dismissed by their parents sometimes, but kids who are on the zanier side tend to be underestimated by everyone around them when it comes to serious matters. As a goofball adult, I've spend decades acquiring certain tools for navigating situations like this, but I have to tell you, the struggle to get there was extremely real.

Pony sometimes uses exaggerated situations to make a point, and that's okay. In fact, it's better than okay. The beauty of My Little Pony is its ability to tell deeply symbolic morality tales.

As for the lesson itself, it actually is applicable on multiple levels. What you see of somebody's behavior is only the tip of the iceberg. You don't know what is motivating it. We should all take time to stop and listen sometimes - try to understand others around us, even when their behavior seems senseless.

In an article entitled Laziness Doesn't Exist (But Unseen Barriers Do), psychology professor Devon Price writes about this very issue. In a society obsessed with productivity, we, all too often, judge those who are unproductive as "lazy," but there is so much more to a person than that. A person is more than their workflow, and more importantly, what, to the outside world, looks like "laziness," is actually a person fighting uphill battles.

Now obviously, I'm not saying that everyone should get a free pass, but we should all strive to be understanding, and help those around us overcome those barriers when we are empowered to do so. Especially our friends.

-Sprocket

Please support me on Patreon. That is, if you want to. No pressure of course, but I ask because I do have mouths to feed. You can also follow Heart Full of Pony on FimFic

[quitepossiblyknot]

Kill "me" now.

Hard of hearing. Ear infections. Macular degeneration. Near-sighted. Nearer to blindness. Straining to see. Concussions untreated. Seething. Repeated. Number seven. Not even the beginning. Seriously. Brain injury. Brain damaged. Famished. malnourished. Encouraged to play role? To that I say no. Disabled. No fable. Won't be treated as animal, chained, no way. Unstable. What do I offer? I've made tables and unable to sit, took it laying down, personalities, multiple, sclerosis, no doses for this pain, this staying, believed I was hated by every deity, why me, in these moments knowing I'm not alone is not a tone I'd prefer to certain separation, degrees, the ease in being pulled to cure, ensured myself a fighting chance, in spite of chance, at risk, close to death, no notices, no hospital, no insurance, no support in this, never asked for a cent, spent majority of existence in survival mode, spirals, throws, fits, misfit, unhinged, intense, introverted, disturbed, unheard, a word. Divergent. Atypical. Analytical. In critical condition. Long-living. Bed ridden. When in it, positioned to stand, for extended periods, knees and ankles reprimand me, shout, gout, how long of an uphill battle. Hypertension. High blood pressure. What measure of forever? I've been fighting for my space since five, since time existed, it's why I keep people at a distance, the friction, the resistance, the conflict, what I'm stricken with, affliction. Predisposition. I don't have the hands. I hand you off to another. No one is under any obligation to take care of me. Lonely. Pocket full of posies, only thing I can pull are flowers, they're down to earth, lower and over my head, micro to macro, sacral magnetism. A vision for me? To be on my own island. Stranded. Somewhere no one can find me on an atlas. Deaf, dumb, and blind, by design. Redesigning what I can define, reminding myself of the inverse, to disperse generational curses, inward, reverse, revert to original, if it takes me all my life, I can say I did it right, bad, all by myself. Why helping hands hurt? They feel they deserve to your entire life, hold it over your head like lightbulb, put you in debt, tied by contract, never given a thing without consequence, indentured servitude. Confidence? This is not it. Dotted... - by afroknotical for inkingechoes(ko-fi) ©2019

When people only come to you with their troubles, their burdens, their sadness, their anger, their fair share of problems, when you're treated like a revolving door, it takes more to be the bigger person. No longer serving ego. Validity and vanity share too much in common and coughing up blood is enough to shut down. Closed. We reach a limit in what we expose ourselves to. Being helpful to any and everyone can hurt you, especially when people only come bearing bad news and negativity consistently, it leaves residuals, it drains, it pains those who only want nothing more than for the source of someone else's suffering to be gone. Only thing is, some don't want it to leave, and they only come to you to leave more waste, and that toxicity builds, you become a landfill, and when the dam spills, you feel disgusted. You become congested, infected, and no one deserves to be disrespected in such a manner. There are leeches and vampires, and they'll bleed you dry. Succubi and incubi, know them by their actions, they speak louder, shrouded in mystery and charm, they'll do you harm on subtle levels. Never be manipulated by your compassion. Know your bounds. Ground yourself, to the root. Always get to the root to uproot weeds and leave miscreants at the door, no more revolving, you're out of orbit. Regeneration takes isolation. Isolate the sources of soreness, no more absorbing. No more forcing. Most aren't a good fit where you're growing, towards the light, you're responsible for who you keep in your circle. Hold yourself accountable, those are the tightest hugs no one will ever tell you about. Shout, "I'm worthy." Purge these parasites. Papaya is good for the soul. Fruit salads are growth. Go treat yourself kindly. Remind each cell in your body of what it means to cuddle, come closer to doing what's right for you. You ran yourself dry for others. Water yourself, stay rooted. Make room for lovers, such as yourself.

[vivavinni]

March 17th, 2018 KC - Mental Me.

Today I don't have anything inspirational to say. I am not in love. I am not politically charged (though I should be.) I'm not even sure I can successfully organize what's been going through my mind, but I need to give it a try.

I saw and shared this post on Facebook today:

This post is so closely relatable. I was the kid who survived multiple suicide attempts; I vacationed in multiple hospitals. I am now the adult who feels ill equipped, unprepared and lost.

My dad died when he was 26 years old, I was 6. Growing up, for me, was much different than most of my friends. My mother was a single parent my entire life. We were always moving, paycheck to paycheck. She did everything she could to keep a roof over my head and keep me alive. We are lucky enough to have a supportive foundation. Our family is a good size, very loving and strong. (This is something I never let go of.)

During years 6-10 I dealt with a good amount of anger and sadness. A great deal of my young childhood is a blur, however, I know for certain I was difficult. I remember I needed certain things to go certain ways to feel mostly comfortable in my skin. (Example- my socks had to be folded over perfectly and fit inside my shoes just right, before I left for school. If they were crooked or slightly uneven I would have a meltdown.) I was and always will be chubby. Even then, I had a lot of small and large insecurities that worried me constantly.

Anxiety, what a friend. He sits right next to Depression, she's always crying about something and obsessing over death.

After years spent fighting my mom about going to counseling meetings and follow ups for learning how to grieve after your best friend and father dies, we thought, "maybe the worst is over..." That was not the case.

A few years passed, maybe age 10-12, and I refused to continue counseling because I didn't understand why I had to do it when none, or most of my friends didn't. I didn't want to be so different, but I was and always will be (and that's okay now). Life seemed relatively normal, I had to adjust to having a new baby sister (which was difficult at first, life moves on). I established a few good friendships and mostly excelled in school. Family gatherings were always a highlight. I was fortunate enough to go on a few very cool vacations to new places which is great fun!

Now, at this point it seems light, happy and chipper, however, I grew up with an obsession with death and all things strange and dark. Keep this in mind. I was weird but hey, I made a couple weird friends so it wasn't too terrible. My favorite shows at this time were CSI: Las Vegas and Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. I also loved gory horror films, thrillers and weird anime. Neat!

Let's fast forward to year 2005, September (already a stressful and emotional month after 9/11/01, my uncle Marc lived only ten blocks away when that occurred but survived well and helped with clean up,) I was a month away from age 14, I believe, I was emotional. I was becoming; I was confused, awkward, angsty, dramatic and a little crazy. Found my way to cope with my friends Anxiety, Depression and new friend Hypermania by way of experimenting with different forms of self harm. You guessed it, I was a cutter and I dabbled in an assortment of substances.

I digress, it's September in 2005, my baby cousin is turning 3 years old, he's gonna have a party! I had the option of staying the night with family or staying with a friend, I chose my friends. The night before my baby cousins birthday party, my uncle Steve (baby cousins father and also my father figure), went to have a beer with someone he thought to be his good friend in need. He, tragically, was wrong. This man shot my uncle twice in the back, as well as committing other atrocious acts before attempting to flea the state.

This event spiked a long downward spiral which eventually led to an uphill battle and this very moment.

I was devastated. My whole family outraged, distraught, grieving, but together. Mental me, lost sight of 'together'. I was lost. I felt alone, hopeless, a nervous wreck, and guilty for choosing to stay with friends instead of family. This turned into depression and suicidal ideation, attempt. I was done, loss of purpose, "what's the point?" Extinction.

My first full hospitalization came after months of self-destruction. It was a very unpleasant experience for me. I was admitted to Research Hospital in their youth psychiatric care unit. They cut my favorite shoelaces off my favorite pair of shoes, striped me down to nothing, heavily medicated me, and told me not to worry. Most of my experience is veiled and distorted by medicine haze. However, I distinctly remember the nurse who was in charge of pm phone calls to home tell me, "I've seen a lot of kids like you, you'll be back again," or something to that effect. After my interaction with her all I remember was turning autopilot on to get myself out of that hospital as quickly and smoothly as possible. I said I felt better, "The meds must be working, I'm working on my steps to release, I'm ready to go home." I lied. I lied my face off. I wasn't ready, the meds weren't right; fake it til you make it out, right?

I stayed in out-patient for a little while with different doctors, different medicines. Faking it to make it. I eventually stopped going and stopped medication. I went through counseling on and off. And continued to self-harm and experiment with different substances. School, to me, was pointless. I stopped showing up, I skipped, got into trouble and eventually made the decision to drop out. For me, school was useless anxiety on top of my generalized anxiety, depression and hypermanic episodes. I was trouble, I was troubled. (Mom, I am so sorry for putting you through so much on top of everything we went through together.)

My mom and I had always had a rocky relationship. It was difficult to relate and be open with her. I'm not entirely sure why it took me so long to figure out she was always on my side and wanted what was best for me. I have some ideas why, but at this point in time they aren't pertinent because now I do have a very strong bond and great deal of respect for her. She loves me unconditionally, as I do her. Through ups and downs and hospital visits we became best friends. I am so grateful for it.

Since the loss of my uncle, I began the journey of my diagnosis and treatment but, not before finding out that my father died of a genetic heart condition called A.R.V.D. My grandma was diagnosed with it as well and has been treated and monitored. I decide, with my mom, that testing for this heart condition was important. In and out of hospitals I went! I was put under multiple stress tests in different variations (one of them I was put under anesthesia for.) Eventually, a temporary heart monitor was placed in my chest for further testing and then I lost insurance.

Here I am! Mental me, years later, without insurance and a dead heart monitor in my chest that should probably be removed soon.

Years have passed. I was hospitalized again after several years of self-harm, destruction, medicine and indulgence. Somehow, I met a few good friends and partners along the way that stayed by my side and helped me after this much brighter stint in the KU Med psychiatric ward.

My KU experience was much more helpful. I took it seriously and learned a great deal about myself, my issues, coping techniques; I learned and accepted that sometimes, hospital visits are necessary and beneficial to mental health and well-being. I knew after that visit that when I am at the point of severe or suicidal ideation there is a safe place to regroup, learn and get better.

Friends, it has taken years and years on this journey to get to this exact moment- Where I am the adult who may be a bit behind because I never planned to make it this far. Here I am! Mental me!

I have been off medications and out of hospitals for nearly four years. I've been through therapy and could always use more of it. It can be helpful. Reach out! Seek the help. Sometimes it will be easier than others to take that step, I know, but keep reaching. Find health coping that works for you. We are not alone even in our most isolated darkness.

When I started writing this I said I didn't have anything inspirational to say because this is all just a piece of my story. I think it's time for me to start sharing it. This is not finished because my story isn't over. And it's true, I never thought I would make it this far, but here I am, MENTAL ME! Let's keep going.

The darkness is temporary, the struggle is constant and the fight is forever. Please, keep fighting, help me fight.

With all my love,

-V

#stayherewithme #stayherewithus #suicideawareness #believeinstayinggold #artsaves #evenifitkillsme #keepreaching #seekhelp #TWLOHA #love #life #selfcare #selflove #beyou #getweird