#i've spent many hours playing as john

[barghest-land]

night guards 🌟

enjoying my first rdr1 playthrough :') damn i'm gonna cry so much. i know it's gonna break my heart even more than rdr2 i'm not ready

[lazarushound]

The Official lazarushound Dean Winchester Playlist

Okay so this playlist is a big deal to literally no one except me but I spent like two hours explaining every single song on my dean playlist and I'll be damned if I don't share it with SOMEONE.

The playlist in question, which I update and add songs too fairly often(ish). It's roughly arranged in order of Dean's story, from pre-canon to the finale. A fair few of the songs are courtesy of catgirlhannibal, whom I adore.

Warning that is is a VERY LONG READ and almost definitely is plagued with typos. Without further ado, here is the 9.5k word explanation of every single song (at time of posting) on the playlist. Call that shit explicable Dean Winchester vibes, complete with my favourite lyrics from each song.

• Ramble On - Led Zeppelin

Dean's favourite song! The whole song is basically about having no choice but to keep going, even when things are tough. It's also actually about LOTR which is funny cause Dean's secretly a nerd lol. But yeah, it reflects a lot on Dean's nature as a traveller and someone who never settles in one place for long. Sometimes I grow so tired but I know I've got one thing I've got to do - I ramble on.

• Travelling Riverside Blues - Led Zeppelin

Dean's other favourite song! Probably not a popular reading of this song but for me, it definitely has a level of queer coding. Asked sweet mama, let me be your kid, she said "you might get hurt if you don't keep it hid" is the most obvious example of it.

• Psalms 40:2 - The Mountain Goats

Very biblical song lol. It's a lot about small town America (as many TMG songs are) and shitty motels which resonates with Dean pretty heavily. Not to mention: He has raised me from the pit and set me high.

• Night Moves - Bob Segar

This one is literally in the show so naturally reminds me of him. But it's about a teenage romance which definitely makes me think of young Dean. I mean, come on: out in the backseat of my '60 Chevy when the man drives a '67 Chevy??

• Father - The Front Bottoms

A few songs on this playlist are pretty much only there for one or two lines. This is not one of them. I could write another essay about this song and how it relates to Dean, every fucking line. You were high school, and I was just more like real life, and you were okay as a girlfriend, but I was just more like his wife 😮‍💨

• Old Number Seven - The Devil Makes Three

This is another song I'm pretty convinced was written about Dean. Once played it on guitar and my dad asked if it was about him so that's all the validation I needed. Angels start to look good to me, they're gonna have to deport me to the fiery deep.

• Mission - Alex G

This song to me is very much pre canon/season one Dean. It's all about following orders and being a good soldier, much like Dean's devotion to his father. I was trained to stick to the mission, I was trained, I kept it on track. To me, Mission has a slightly bitter tone, as though the narrator is resentful that they've followed orders so obediently and only suffered as a result.

• Adam Raised a Cain - Bruce Springsteen

Courtesy of catgirlhannibal. What a surprise, another biblical song. Dean sees himself as nothing more than a soldier, violent and aggressive. He sees his father as a hero, despite the fact that he's an abusive bastard. Well, daddy worked his whole life for nothing but pain, now he walks these empty rooms looking for something to blame.

• Shoulders - Big Thief

Okay, I'd argue this song is more akin to Sam than Dean but fuck you, this is my playlist and I choose the music. And the blood of the man who killed my mother with his hands, it's in me, it's in me, in my veins is obviously related to Sam and Azazel but also to Dean and John, as though Dean comes to realise that he's just like his father.

• Celene - Gigi Perez

End of season two! This song is about losing a sibling and is very much the mindset I pictured Dean to be in after losing Sam for the first time. I'd also argue it's how Dean felt when Sam was at Stanford. The other day I thought of something funny, but no one would have laughed but you.

• Like Real People Do - Hozier

Why were you digging? What did you bury before those hands pulled me from the earth? HELLOOO CASTIEL! Very season four Destiel, those boys will NOT kiss like real people do.

• It's Only Sex - Car Seat Headrest

Okay so post-resurrection Dean is VERRRRRY traumatised which makes it difficult for him to enjoy the things he used to love, including sex. This song is also about his struggle over his feelings for Cas: what happens if I don't like it? I like you.

• Not Allowed - TV Girl

Well, you may not like it but you better learn how cause it's your turn now! Very much following on from It's Only Sex, similar themes in this song but more relating to Dean's insistence on keeping up The Act and pretending he's the same man he was before Hell.

• Presumably Dead Arm - Sidney Gish

Second catgirlhannibal song to make the list. Just to start this off, this isn't the start of anything. To me, this whole song is Dean skirting around his feelings for Cas and trying to pretend they don't exist in hopes they go away eventually. They don't. Honey, you are nothing to me, (but alcohol and dopamine)/(I don't call people anything thought to be so sweet).

• Tangled in Ropes - Holy Locust

I literally wrote a whole essay about this one so I'll keep it short with just the best lyric. Had a laugh made of wax, house made of butter, how they melted that summer.

• Hate Yourself - TV Girl

If there's one thing we've learned about Dean Winchester, it's that the man loves to use sex as a means to avoid his problems. How long will it take? Before you start to hate yourself and go straight into the arms of someone else is just straight up Dean struggling to give himself time to grieve and overcome his trauma. He'd rather just hookup with someone else and pretend it doesn't make him hate himself more and more every time.

• Cherry Wine - Hozier

See: my whole essay about this song and Destiel. And it's worth it, it's divine, I have this some of the time.

• Body to Flame - Lucy Dacus

Another catgirlhannibal song! I see you holding your breath with your arms outstretched, waiting for someone to come rip open your chest. This song to me feels like Dean kicking himself for every trusting Cas, after Cas betrays him for the first time. To accept Cas as his family was going against his every instinct to close himself off from outsiders, and Cas just proved him right by betraying him.

• Motion Sickness - Phoebe Bridges

Okay this one is basically just for I hate you for what you did, and I miss you like a little kid lol. It just perfectly encapsulates Dean, bitter and resentful towards Cas whilst simultaneously missing him so much his heart aches.

• I'm Your Man - Mitski

Oh, woof. Continuing the betrayal arc, this song is all about Dean's guilt. It's his fault Cas fell from Heaven, his fault this angel isn't holy anymore. I'm sorry I'm the one you love, no one will ever love me like you again.

• Not Strong Enough - Boygenius

Where do I start? Always an angel, never a god 😮‍💨 I think if you played this song to Dean it would break him a little bit. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM!!!

• Legit Tattoo Gun - The Front Bottoms

I was aware of this song but catgirlhannibal brought to my attention that it's Destiel coded 🧐 Who did I think I was? Who did I think that I could be? Oh, how dare me. Dean just kicking himself for ever thinking he could allow himself to have something with Cas.

• SHALLOW (PPL SWIM IN SHALLOW WATER) - Saya Gray

Okay, this one is a bit of a "hear me out." I'm seeing Mother Mary, she says I'm closer to Hell than the clouds are to Heaven. Dean's mother is called Mary so she's LITERALLY Mother Mary which scratches my brain very nicely. Obviously Dean sees himself as a sinner and doomed for Hell, despite the fact that he's a hero. And I left my enemies, cause nobody hates myself more than me, GOOD LORD DOES THAT MAN LOVE SOME SELF LOATHING. My mother's evil and the angels too is soooooo self explanatory. Dean has an idealistic version of Mary in his head which is challenged when she comes back to life and he interacts with her as an adult. There's also the fact that real angels aren't as "good" as you'd think. Sometimes I don't think I'm cherished enough.

• John Wayne Gacy, Jr. - Sufjan Stevens

This song is an allegory for being gay. The narrator sees himself as evil, just as bad as the serial killer for which the song is named, just because he's gay. And in my best behaviour, I am really just like him, look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.

• Always - Panic! At the Disco

Another one that is less obvious without me explaining it lol. The light in this song is a reference to the Great Gatsby which is a whole other queer coded story in its own right. But I always (hehe) picture this song as Dean struggling with Cas' feelings for him which are becoming more and more evident. It was always you falling for me particularly stands out to me, along with you are taking me apart like bad glue on a get well card.

• Star Tripping - Kevin Atwater

Okay I looooooove love this song. But it's another song which relates to God and being queer. It's about a very toxic relationship, in which one person is relatively okay with their sexuality and the other is incredibly repressed (seem familiar?). I could use any lyric from this song but I'll go with: you think He made you wrong, I think you're giving Him way too much credit, crying at the party, know it only bothers you if you let it, later you can kiss me, blame it on the stuff you took to forget it.

• The Calendar - Panic! At The Disco

Another Panic! song 💀 also from vices and virtues. Another "hear me out." There's the more obvious I will come back to life but only for you but I also think the rest of the song relates pretty strongly to Destiel. You said if you don't let it out, you're gonna let it eat you away, I'd rather be a cannibal baby, animals like me don't talk anyway. For me, it strongly resembles Dean's view of himself, an attack dog. Cannibalism as a metaphor for love. And obviously that man loves to repress stuff and let it eat him away, so to speak.

• Lacy - Olivia Rodrigo

Lawd. This song has a lot of queer subtext in and of itself. It's all about adoring someone to the point where you become insecure because you know you'll never be as good as them. The song is bitter and resentful whilst simultaneously loving and adoring. I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you, yeah I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you. He hates himself because he loves Cas. HE HATES HIMSELF BECAUSE HE LOVES CAS.

• Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Dean does not let himself have nice things. Lord knows, it would be the first time. This song feels pretty self explanatory to me lol.

• Feeling Oblivion - Turin Brakes

Okay this is my favourite song of all time so I'm slightly biased for including it HOWEVER. I feel it also applies to Dean pretty well. We're now at the point in the story where Dean is about to/has already lost Cas. This song invokes an incredibly deep feeling of nostalgia for me, like looking back on when things were better. Now it is night time, maybe we're cruising avoiding the anti-cruise, like tell me this isn't Dean and Cas just driving around Kansas cause Dean can't sleep 😭 and don't even get me fucking started on so don't leave me here on my own, by the time fear takes me over, will we still be rolling? Feeling oblivion cause this song makes me cry every time I hear it I stg.

• Who We Are - Hozier

Poor Dean :( bro has just lost his best friend, and is now realising that he'll never be able to tell him how he felt. It's like he's seeing things plainly for the first time, realising what he's been missing. He never had Cas because they spent so long avoiding their relationship, and now it's too late. You only feel it when it's lost, getting through still has its cost, quietly, it slips through your fingers, love, falling from you drop by drop.

• Crack Baby - Mitski

I don't know if I really need to say more than: crack baby, you don't know what you want, but you know that you had it once, and you know that you want it back.

• Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan

This is another song that's in the show (dark side of the moon, I love you) so naturally reminds me of Dean. It might be a bit on the nose putting it right at the end but it just feels like Dean finally letting himself rest (die of tetanus). Mama, put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them anymore.

[larabiatasstuff]

Part one here 🖤

Part two🖤

"I can't wait to meet them. How long until we get to the bar?" "A little about an hour why?" he asked looking me "Oh just wondering.Mhh... Hey wanna play a game?" "What kind of game are you thinking about?" "How about 'I spy with my little eye'?" I asked sitting upright in my seat. "Yeah that sounds fun you start." "Umm I spy with my little eye something red." "Mhh the hair on my mask?" "No try again." "The dots on my pants?" "Nope". "My nose?" "Yes very good. Now it's your turn." he put a finger on his chin and thought for a moment. "Alright, I spy with my little eye something brown." "Harold?" he looked at me in shock "How did you do that?" I couldn't help but laugh "I'm a woman of many talents ." "That you are. " he said shaking his head in disbelief. We kept it going for the rest of the drive until we finally arrived at the bar. Sweet Tooth parked in front of the building. I jumped out of the truck and stretched myself. I waited for him to get out and together we entered the bar.

"There they are" Sweet Tooth said and pointed to a table where a man and a woman sat. "I join you in a second I need to use the bathroom." he nodded and walked over to the table. I made my way to the restroom and did my business. When I came out of the restroom some guy stood in my way trying to hit on me. I just gave him one of my friendliest smiles before I kicked him in the groin and pushed him to the floor. Then I walked over to the table where John, Quiet and Sweet Tooth sat. "Hey... What?" I asked looking at them. Sweet Tooth chuckled. "Well they are impressed of your ability to handle yourself." "Oh this? This was just an idiot. Anyways I'm Y/N nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you too Y/N damn girl you don't take prisoners huh?" John asked. "You know I've been traveling alone for a while before I met Sweet Tooth, I needed to stand up for myself. He tried to get his hands on me too and failed." Quiets eyes went wide "What do you mean?" "She kicked my ass." Sweet Tooth said bluntly. "Wait... Wait you kicked his ass? He's double your size." John said in disbelief. "You just have to know how to handle it."I said with a shrug. "And this is okay for you? You're not angry or embarrassed?" Quiet asked. "Nah I was actually impressed I mean who would have thought that this little firecracker here could beat someone like me. Also I... I really like her." he said looking down playing with his fingers" Awww I like you too Sweet Tooth. " " God you're a weird couple " Quiet said laughing." Yeah maybe but being normal is pretty boring right? "." Well that's true. Umm should we get some drinks? " she asked." Oh yeah I'm coming with you. " and we both went to the bar. We spent the rest of the day talking, laughing, joking and getting to know each other and Sweet Tooth told the whole story of how we met. Watching him talk about with so much passion made me smile and I just started to like him much more.

[wtfjd95]

Just realised I brought a brand new game in Assassin's Creed Mirage and maybe spent 2 hours max in it and a second hand game in Ghost of Tsushima at less than half the price of AC Mirage and spent like half a day or more on that.

Don't get me wrong both I enjoy for different reasons and thoroughly enjoy playing both but Ghost of Tsushima has captured my mind & heart in almost the same way as RDR2 did when i first got that. I can see myself just running around either completing Fox Dens & Shrines just like how I would go randomly hunting in RDR2 with Arthur & John.

One thing i am slightly annoyed with is how PlayStation only decided on PS5 that they should have a in game time tracker for how many hours you've spent on a game for the owner of that console intead of just having PS friends being able to see them. I would've like to of seen how many hours I've pulled already in Tsushima without asking a friend to look.

[moreclaypigeons]

crying at the tags on the playlist names post oml. anyway what're your top 5 mountain goats sounds for someone who loves no children and has not heard any other of their songs

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH

Well here is the tmg essentials playlist that I have crafted, which is an hour and a half long (also is the reason my pfp is John Green mountain goats And was mentioned in the playlist tags :])

And as for the top five? Hhh okay.. I want to get a good mix of times and feelings in there as well as try to cover the essential albums uhhh

1. This year | The Sunset Tree | 2005

This is an absolute classic and is great to scream in your head. It's about getting through this year if it kills you!! It's one of my most played songs of all time at this rate (I've streamed it 500+ times apparently??)

2. Get Famous | Getting Into Knives | 2020

I love this one, it's more jazzy than most of their songs and is just very fun. It's not what a lot of their music sounds like but it's a good time.

3. The Best Ever Death Metal Band Out of Denton | All Hail West Texas | 2002

I love this album in general, it is very acoustic and every song has its own narrative. This song is the first on the tracklist, and it's a good representative for a lot of their music especially in that time period.

4. Deuteronomy 2:10 | The Life of the World to Come | 2009

Be warned this song will make you fucking cry. Content warning for extinction and animal death. That's all I will say. This song changed my life... I've never been able to listen to this album all the way through cause it's one of their more emotionally heavy ones. By god are some of the songs profoundly sad. Good but devastating.

5. Amy aka Spent Gladiator 1 | Transcendental Youth | 2012

If you like No Children, I must recommend something near it in catharsis. And of course that's Spent Gladiator. This song is like if This Year had an older sister. It's about going through rough shit and thinking you're not gonna make it but you find every way you can to keep going.

Bonus:

Here's the ska cover of no children. Because I love it.

You Were Cool is one of my favorites that they only perform live and haven't released a recording of. You can find videos of it on YouTube! I used one of the lines from it on my graduation cap.

If you do like these songs and want to get more into the mountain goats, I would recommend listening to either:

A Jordan lake sessions album, which are live session recordings they especially did during the height of the pandemic. The whole thing tracks over and has a lot of talking between songs and many of them have a different or more raw take on some of their more popular or personal favorites.

Any of their albums all the way through in order. My top recommendations for this are Tallahassee (which no children is on!), The sunset tree, all hail West Texas, bleed out, heretic pride, and transcendental youth. I do love many of the other albums but these ones are my favorites as a unit.

I know listening to the mountain goats at first can be really intimidating cause their discography is SO BIG (like more than 24 hrs worth of music big) but if you do then you end up with a lot of room to explore! I don't think I've even listened to every song they've made and I've been a fan for a good few years. Like mountain goats fans are super cool about that kind of thing (I know other music fan communities can be the opposite) cause they just love to share even a little love! And if you (or anyone else!!) have any questions or want more playlist suggestions (I have several hyperspecific tmg playlists saved and or made) my inbox is always open :] I love talking about tmg

[nonasemporium]

for the character meme: pyrrha or a character of your choice if you've gotten her already! < 3

send me a character [Pyrrha] and i’ll list:

favorite thing about them: I love how much she loves disasters. I love her fixation on devotion and self-destruction, that she sees people willing to burn and she's weak to it, that it has trapped her in a cycle of agony but she can't seem to help that she's still drawn to it. That she maybe thinks she deserves to be in that cycle.

least favorite thing about them: Was a cop. L. Hate that for her. A super cop, in fact, and an absolutely hypocrite for it. Queen, please, stop playing FBI and put yourself full-force into putting your energy towards righting the wrongs you participated in very actively, lol.

favorite line: Spent a long minute and muled over many, including the way she talks about Wake/trying to make Wake love her, the way she clearly longs for Gideon as a child, the way she interacts with Nona, even the line where she's called out for playing family, but I settled with: "I've loved you two," she said. "Not well. Not even wholesomely. I don't have it in me. But I've loved you--in a better world I'd be able to say, 'Like you were my own,' but I don't know what that would even mean anymore. You've been my agents... you've been stand-ins for something I haven't had for longer than either of you can understand. Which is why I'm saying--don't do this. Please, don't do this."

brOTP: Tbh, I don't know if Pyrrha knows how to have this, lmao. She's always going to bleed weird boundaries across her relationships. I guess G1deon, honestly, because no matter how their relationship is, no matter if he reciprocates the way she is, it's very important to me that they have a bond that remains powerful despite its nature.

OTP: Together: G1deon, Wake, Pyrrha. I knows that's three, but again I actually don't know if I see Pyrrha being only in a "pair." I think she has a hunger that stretches a bit outside of that limit, though I will say Wake was so clearly so large and consuming in where she fit in there that Pyrrha's eyes were very fixated on her, but that fixation did not stop her from still entangling G1deon into it or focusing on how G1deon was a part of it.

nOTP: Sorry, queen, I don't support you chicken hawking. But at least that's canonical. Put her with Augustine or John and it's on sight, gives me the ick.

random headcanon: I think she has a habit of being drawn to men that figure out they're not men, but that she identified as bisexual even if it keeps happening. I just think it's funny to picture her being attracted to a man and then the man going "actually..."

unpopular opinion: Apparently that she's bisexual. Other unpopular opinion on her is that she in fact waits too long to act, that her actions are out of self-interest, and that her struggles with boundaries are not only destructive to herself but to all the people she has her confusing interactions with. This woman is an absolute wreck, love her.

song i associate with them: 'It Will Come Back' by Hozier.

favorite picture of them: I'm going to leave this unanswered. I've seen some I like, but since a specific one did not jump to mind and I've already spent a minute on this, I think I'm going to leave it before I spend another hour searching, lol.

[rockethorse]

2, 15, 19 for my ask game 😊

Thank you for the asks! I'd almost forgotten!

2. Least favorite world in any sims game?

TS3 and TS4 were the games that really expanded up on the idea of "worlds" vs neighbourhoods but I think I only have enough experience with TS2 to answer this one. To be honest I've enjoyed all the TS3/TS4 worlds I've played, though I'm sure I'd have stronger opinions if I'd played some of the more divisive worlds.

Anyway I think it's no secret that Desiderata Valley is my least favourite 'hood/world, lol. You can see how bad it sucked by how hard they had to try with Belladonna Cove to win back any respect from Simmers. Though- you know, for all the hate Desiderata gets, I think Riverblossom Valley has skated by unnoticed in its shadow for too long. It's pretty boring and kinda ugly too, and it doesn't even have John and 'Tasha to save it (though I do really like the Roths).

But I think my answer is ultimately going to have to be the Hobby subhood. The builds blow, it's in EVERY neighbourhood you make, and they made it super difficult to edit. At least you can ignore Desiderata; the Hobby lots are supposed to be a reward but visiting them honestly feels like a punishment.

15. How many hours have you spent playing the Sims?

... Listen... there are some questions you just shouldn't ask...

(Steam says I've spent about 70 hours building in TS4 since it went free, but to be fair I do forget it's on in the background. I cannot even begin to guess how many hours I've spent playing TS2 or even TS3.)

19. What is your favorite sim age?

Elders! At least in TS2. I dunno, I love their voice lines, how funky they can behave, and how they're more independent than kids/teens but still a little more challenging to play than adults. I often didn't know what to do with my elders once they'd achieved everything they set out to do, but just... waiting around for them to die felt too cruel, so I've been trying to find new ways to play them and it ended up really endearing the life state to me.

I also love how they visibly age. Yeah, yeah, I know, not everyone goes grey, not everyone's bodies change like that, some bras DO provide actual support, etc. etc. But when it feels so often like showing your age is the worst thing in the world, and celebrities/influencers make us all feel pressured to stay looking exactly the same until we die, it's really refreshing to see those sorts of changes represented so unabashedly. I love the lil Elder stoop, and their animations, and the differences in body meshes and skin textures. I also love toddlers and teens, probably because they were introduced with TS2 so I still have fond memories of being blown away by the ways Sims aged compared to TS1. But I gotta stand by the grands.

[ode-to-odes]

IFComp Reviews: Setting Sail!

Day one of IFComp is finally here, and I've already started playing through the 75 entries we have this year. With a plethora of new authors, an abundance of nautical stories, and a fuckton of mysteries (not to mention the amount of nautical mysteries!), I have high hopes for the season. In order to give the uninterested less to scroll through, I'll leave my full impressions of games under the cut, with a TLDR for each one above.

I'm using IFComp's personal randomized list as my playing order to do my part in eliminating the quantity-of-votes bias that can occur in comps like this one. Thank you to whoever implemented that; I love the IF community so much.

Anyway, the first three games of the day are as follows:

Lake Starlight by SummersViaEarth TLDR: Polished, complete, with no (discovered) bugs and only a few comma mistakes, but I am very much not the target audience and as such didn’t enjoy playing it.

How Prince Quisborne the Feckless Shook His Title by John Ziegler TLDR: Hot Diggity Fizz! Play this game. Right Now. Seriously, it's one of the best parser games I've ever played, and I had to stop at the two hour limit. Be warned though, it's long as hell. Two hours is probably about 10% of time needed to complete.

All Hands by Natasha Ramoutar TLDR: Short, haunting, and while not (in my opinion) worthy of a place on the podium, it's definitely worthy of an attentive playthrough.

Full reviews below the cut!

Lake Starlight: This game was fairly short (took me less than half the listed time to finish it, although I’m admittedly a pretty fast reader). You play as a teenage girl who finds out she has magic and is whisked away to magic summer camp. Plus, the world is dystopian eco-hell. My first playthrough took me 35 minutes, and then I spent another five or so exploring different endings.

Overall, the writing has a very consistent voice and style, and I didn’t encounter any bugs during my playthrough, so the polish is definitely there, technically speaking. I found the themes to be a bit too cluttered to really get much out of the game, though - the author incorporates so many different mystical ideas and cultures that the whole thing starts to feel overdone. Additionally, the use of slang was a bit outdated and awkward? It very much felt like someone was trying to write a teenager, or a story that appeals to teenagers, without actually interacting with teenagers on a regular basis.

This game wasn’t terrible, it just wasn’t for me. I do think my 13-year-old sister would’ve liked it more than I did, but as a college student with the ability to read and think critically AND with a better grasp on the language teens use today, I found it difficult to get through. If not for the comp, I don’t think it’s a game I would’ve played through to the end.

HPQtFSHT: I spent the morning reading through every summary of each game to get a feel for this year’s comp ✨vibe✨ and this one definitely grabbed my interest from the start. I’m honestly a bit disappointed it was second on my list to play because I like to save bigger parser games for the end.

And boy, is this game big. The first part/chapter/section of the game, intended to be assessed by the judges (estimated to take the allotted two hours) had me in an absolute chokehold. The world is so fun to explore, and the characters are all hilarious. The writing overall is probably my favorite part of the game, which is always a good omen in a long parser. The expressions used by characters, the names of locations and people, as well as the descriptions are all very consistently written, and written incredibly well. The narrative voice is hilarious, and I honestly laughed out loud at points in this game (the hamster dam, for example. love it.). Although it will take longer, I highly recommend reading the full text of the story when given the option, as it is just so much fun. I spent the entire time wondering whether or not fruitlet is a real word, laughing at PQ trying to whistle on that damn blade of grass, and searching for needles in haystacks and forks in the road.

In terms of gameplay, the puzzles were clever, and the use of Prince Quisborne as an assistant/squire/pet-adjacent companion is so fun. The flavor text describing his behavior gradually changes over time, reflecting his growth, which is just. So awesome. I only needed to use a hint once, and when I did, I realized I was struggling because I’d forgotten to examine something that was obviously important. Unnecessary items are automatically left behind (probably a good thing, as I probably would’ve raided a poor child’s treehouse if not for this feature).

Also, points for feelies! This game comes with a pdf map of the land you and PQ explore, and it’s gorgeously hand-drawn and easy to follow. You can also use the command MAP to pull it up in the interpreter, but I prefer keeping them both open on the same window for reference. Also, not a feelie, but the option to keep your inventory showing on the side of the window is super helpful. Oh, and the borders of the game are great, too! Not distracting, and very much add to the atmosphere.

This first, intended-to-be-judged, part of time game took me the better part of an hour, so I still had loads of time to spare to keep exploring and playing. And, as stated before, by me and others, it’s so, so massive. For context, the predicted two-hour-mark (one hour for me) ends with you at 15/300 points. An hour later than that, I was at 24/300 points.

I love this game so much already, and I’m not even 10% done, if the points system is to be believed. Also, I cannot believe this was written by a new author. Absolutely insane debut, Mr. Ziegler. My hats are off and my marbles are lost.

All Hands: This was the shortest game I’ve played so far (an admittedly low bar considering that I’ve only played three, and one of those was definitely in the top three longest games in this whole comp), but what it lacks in length it makes up for in atmosphere. A spooky story about revenge (or lack thereof), and my first nautical story of the comp, with many more sure to follow.

This one was predicted an at hour to play, but it only took me about 20 minutes to get through the whole thing, and then play again to explore some alternate possibilities. The writing is gorgeous and haunting, and I like that the three interaction options stay consistent throughout the game. Overall, I really enjoyed playing it. You’ve got a spooky ship to explore, spooky songs to listen to, and a spooky story to discover. It’s a great little reflective and atmospheric piece, and while I don’t think it really gets points for ambition or scale, it’s worth a playthrough.

[pb-dot]

Film Friday: Cigarette Burns

We're back in the swing of things. Since I've obsessed with my novel His Impossible Brushstrokes for a good month now, I figure why not continue that trend into December and write a bit about the movies that have inspired me in the crafting of this particular grizzly tale. First up is my chief piece of inspiration, although I guess technically this thing is more of a TV episode, as it was shown in the Masters Of Horror collection. Anyway, the thing slaps, and it's interesting to talk about it in context of the plot of my book so let's go.

John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns, as the thing is called in full follows the harrowing journey of one Kirby Sweetman. Kirby, played by a pre-Walking Dead Norman Reedus, goes deep into the world of obscure film to recover a long-lost print of the infamous art flick La Fin Absolue Du Monde at the behest of an enigmatic film collector. Kirby needs this score, as his debt to the father of his deceased girlfriend is piling up.

As one might expect from a search for a film whose only known showing ended in panic and bloodshed, Kirby's journey takes him to some dark places. A burned projectionist, a collector who has gotten into producing snuff films, and, most relevant to His Impossible Brushstrokes, a film critic who has spent the decades since the film's premiere writing a labyrinthine work of critique to try to process the film that was inflicted on him.

In moving closer to his target of a full print of the movie, Kirby also grows closer to his own darkness, as visions of his deceased girlfriend appearing in cigarette burns in reality itself, and it becomes more and more apparent that the producers, the people behind La Fin Absolue Du Monde, are more readily described in the bleaker corners of theology than those of finance.

As a film, Cigarette Burns is a bit uneven. Reedus does suppressed trauma brooding decently well, but his moments of supposedly more heightened emotion fall a mite flat. The pacing is also a bit uneven on account of 60 minutes being an awkward length of narrative to work with. What is, however, immaculate is the vibe. John Carpenter does esoterically apocalyptic stuff better than anyone else in the business, and from Udo Kier's perfectly slimy Vaguely European Business Man to the troubling mix of pity and revulsion The Willowy Being evokes in the viewer really sets an unmistakable tone.

The bit I really latched on to in Cigarette Burns that stayed with me until I started working on His Impossible Brushstrokes is the scene with the film critic. I found it funny, in a way, how the guy Kirby goes to meet first seems mostly unharmed by the experience of seeing the film, and that it's only at the end of the scene we realize "Oh yeah, this guy's obsessed to a dangerous level about this film." I found this idea fun, but felt that Cigarette Burns didn't quite squeeze all the potential out of it. After all, working on the same project forever is just one of those things that writers do, and you'd need some externalizing or window into the obsession to make the point really hit.

This isn't a criticism of Cigarette Burns as far as I'm concerned. With an hour of runtime and so many European ambiguously gay men to put your all-American protagonist in Art Horror Situations, you have to leave some ideas on the table. This is, of course where my raccoon-like grabby hands of inspiration come in. The inspiration I took out of this was essentially "What if the critic guy ended up actually meeting the creator of the piece of art that he's been obsessing over. Would they be friends? Would they be enemies? Would they kiss?

This idea is ultimately filtered through and shaped by ideas and concepts like the differences and tensions between art and artist, death of the author, audience vs author, creation as compulsion vs creation as expression, and probably a couple of more things I haven't realized I've done yet. This is all to say that Cigarette Burns is an important part of the puzzle of how I came up with and developed His Impossible Brushstrokes, but it's far from my only source. Next week we'll have a look at another important piece of inspiration, and another Carpenter flick, In The Mouth Of Madness.

[lifewritteninthestars]

Some days are just really, really good.

We took down our bedframe yesterday and have a floor bed now, so Baby C can roll around to her heart's content. That involved also relocating some furniture and doing some long overdue deep cleaning, so the bedroom is a delight to be in right now. We spent a long time today laying on the bed letting Baby C play and roll. This was after a fun ride on her dada's shoulders and getting to look in her favourite mirror!

After all of this, we went to the grocery store. Baby C likes going shopping with us, especially when she can be carried in arms instead of pushed in her stroller. She's a great sport about it even when it's boring, and she mostly just stares at everything and takes it all in. Seeing errands like that through her eyes, and taking a wander through the toy and craft supplies section to look at things that she may want someday, make it much more fun. I'm always wondering what she sees and what she's thinking about what she sees.

This evening, while GK played a game with a good friend, I decided it was the perfect time to read to her.

Baby C is at the stage where books are more delightful chew toys than anything else, so reading involves a lot of slobber and wrestling to turn the pages, but I find it very calming in a way. I just love talking to her, but I'm somebody who can go hours without saying a word; it gives me things to say when I would otherwise be silent.

Plus, we have some great books for her. Goodnight Moomin is one of my favourites! I was fortunate to receive a lot of good books from my cousin (she gave us the Jane Eyre counting book pictured in the photo) that her kids have outgrown, plus some classics from my own childhood, a few from my childhood librarian friend, and others that I've picked up on my own (like Moomin). I don't want Baby C to have so many toys and clothes that she gets overwhelmed, but books are so fun and I loved having my own little "library" as a kid so hopefully she feels the same!

Baby C is asleep on my chest in the family bed right now, although I'm almost positive she'll wake up for an hour or two sometime soon. She does more nights than she doesn't, these days. We'll have some cuddles, some playtime, maybe a little baby massage, and eventually I'll be able to help her back to sleep. It's tiring, but worth it. I'm usually not asleep by then anyways, so it doesn't make much difference to me in the long run to work with her rhythm for now.

As for myself, while I wasn't able to work as much as I would have liked today, I found myself really enjoying the downtime. I was able to do some dishes and make dinner, but mostly I just spent my free time reading. I just finished Teach Your Own, by John Holt. It was an intense read for me - I realised some things about myself and my own difficulties as I was reading his words about how children look at the world can appear to some adults as a learning disability when it's actually coming from a logical place that just doesn't match our adult norms.

I also learned about the homeschooling laws for our state, which are thankfully pretty relaxed. A notice of intent at age 6; a test at ages 9, 11, 14, and 16. No required record-keeping, but I will anyways, in case we move, or the requirements change, or Baby C wants to go to college and needs to assemble a portfolio. And also, just because why wouldn't I keep records of my daughter's growth? That's treasure, to me.

[shoppingshoppingshoppingshopping]

Listen/purchase: I'm Sorry That Happened so Fast by Local Teen

OK new album write up time.

Well, it looks like I screwed up the release date and set it for september 2023 when it was supposed to be september 2024. so the question is will it always be out of order for the rest of time or will i be able to fix it at some point?

cdbaby as usual has awful support and still hasn't gotten back to me to fix the date. why is support so bad everywhere? anyway....

I was doing all the boring technical stuff as i thought it was ready and then cdbaby rejected my files. apparently they don't take 96k audio. so now i am opening up each session and having to re-render at 44/16. Which is a total drag cuz now i have to relisten to the entire album again. I love most of these songs but i am also so damn sick of them now after hearing them 1000 times.

all these songs except the neat neat neat cover are from 2019. Meaning I started them then. Many were just chords and maybe a melody. A few had lyrics and were mostly done except needed clean up and a mix.

ok so first song,

away from home: this one I think I had almost everything except lyrics. All those were recorded this year. This album took forever to put together. I think I finally sat down and decided to finish it right after I released the last one. Lemme check. Oh crap that was december 2023! Damn I take forever. Or not. I know what I like and i get pickier as time goes on. I guess this is just what it takes.

I am finding I have less desire to polish old songs that don't have much to grab me. Like one of the ones in this pile was this really cool bass line and drums. I've spent maybe 20 hours trying to shape it into a song and I haven't figured out yet how to do that. There are a few like this. A few albums back I wouldn't give up and would eventually find it. But I dunno. It's just so much effort and pain. When I have literally 100s of songs that will come together easier when I finally get to them. So I'm wondering why bother.

Another lesson is that album of unfinished songs I put out. A few of those will come on my spotify shuffle and now I can hear exactly how to finish them. So the lesson there is wait. It might come. If not? that's OK. This is life. Ya gotta let go sometimes. There is pain in making music/art. It's uncomfortable. The hard part is figuring out what kind of torture is good and what isn't.

Anyway, Away from home has lyrics about a violent cartel crime situation. I love crime movies. I just rewatched michael clayton again for the 10th time? it's so good. Pulp fiction too. Which took a while to pull me in but after the overdose I was in all the way and didn't want to leave it. Butch's girlfriend isn't as bad as Bill Simmons says she is. In fact she's just fine. John Maclane yelling to himself in the car felt a little forced very "acting".

BTW it's taking at least 20 minutes just to open the 3rd song session. I think there's over 250 tracks in there.

Listening back. Away from home chorus is sooooo good. I couldn't stop myself from recording this really jazzy harmonies. My music theory talk sounds like I know something but really I aint shit but I think there's like 9ths and 7ths and diminished somethings in there.

I played the broken cello I got from craigslist free on this. Some wood glue and a jerry rigged "clamp" using ratchet tie downs and it's playable. I have no idea how to play the cello but I was able to get some good sounds out of it for this song.

2: use a hoe

this is kinda funny. i found an earlier version of this. Spent MONTHS on it. Then towards the end of wrapping up the album figured I needed one more song. Went into the next batch of unfinished songs and found this version. I thought it was so much better. It was completely done except for some clean up and much needed mix changes.

lyrics are about some of the poor folks I spent a lot of time around when I lived in florida. when people say "i don't get trump voters" I always think "Ah you never spent any meaningful time with different kinds of people."

this is one of the negatives of tiered experiences like fast pass at an amusement park or anything not general admission at an event. a society is better when different people mix in positive ways over a shared enjoyment.

It's funny that this is bragging now but my florida experience gave me bonds with fresh off the boat Hatians, Cubans and pretty much all of latin America, not to mention kids whose family have definitely been at a KKK BBQ before (or maybe it was just a rumor that everyone that lived near moon lake was KKK. I dunno. I was too scared to go) and just all sorts of people with lots of debt, loyalty to the strangest things, strong family bonds hidden under resentment and the types of folks the media just never ever shows you.

Lower Middle Class life just isn't romantic. There's a fair amount of substance use, lots of humor, missing teeth and bad tattoos on even worse skin. That doesn't make for good streaming content. One lady I knew had no front teeth and her car was literally infested with roaches. You'd see them crawling all over the seats at any time of day. how the florida heat didn't kill them? I have no idea. Also if her car was like this what was her trailer for of kids like?

Who are they going to cast to depict her in a show? Glenn Close? She has the face of a shoe that only rich people know about.

i'm solid to maybe upper middle class now but those folks still exist inside me like guardian angels. They write a lot of my lyrics. I get them but i also resent them for not doing what i would do. not that that's right, but just reporting from subconscious.

When I was 16 working in fast food, I worked with a 40 year woman named BJ. She said it was short for something like "Billie gives the best blow jobs". Kids, the 90s were wild. or maybe just florida or both. This lady also was kind of illiterate and her kid names on his birth certificate was "BRAIN" no Brian. I hope she's doing well but I doubt it. The world has changed in a way that hasn't been protective of folks like that. That's just sad. I liked these people. We worked together as team. There is a special bond you gain when working on a time crunchy environment. I hope they made it out of poverty OK or least didn't go lower.

3: send the girls over

This was one of those songs I couldn't stop writing. It was so inspiring. So many ideas and lyrics. I saw a songwriting friend recently and told him I wanted to be better at lyrics. Then I went back to finish this song and saw that I'm not crap. I can pull it off sometimes. Cuz I am so proud of these lines:

so you didn't want to lie yet we did watch it grow that thing upon your face that drips when you get cold that looks down on the poor turns up when you get old through which you soon will pay for sticking it where it surely doesn't go

Keith Hopkin of The Blue Album Group and Asobi seksu sang on the woah parts. I love his voice. We used to be in a Weezer cover band together.

So did my nephews, probably the missus as well. I had anyone that came over sing on those woahs for a few weeks.

I just love this song. Listening to it now the "I knew it was you part" still gives me chills. I also played the trumpets on this. I don't know how to play at all. Yet I was so inspired that when I hit record and blew my heart out and ya know what? the right notes just came out! I WAS FUCKING FEELIN' IT! God is good, man. I'm tellin' you.

That's the magic of music, man. It can make you do stuff you can't usually do. It's like a super power. I can feel my version of god in this moment. Thank you universe for the gift to stick with this craft and to keep trying to make songs I like. And thank you for the love I get to feel for myself when I hear what I made.

Ok now I feel exposed.

I'm pretty sure there's 250+ tracks in this. It became impossible to work on because it uses more resources than my computer can handle. But nevertheless he persisted.

4: come on baby

there's a version with 3 other parts not in this one. They were more metal/butt rock than I like. So I wrote all new parts. And then ended up redoing everything. Vocally I was trying to find the right voice then heard a DFA1979 song and thought "oh I should try that".

My les paul through my orange tiny terror is the perfect guitar tone for this kind of song. Its my favorite amp/gtr combo just because when it's right it's just perfect. It's just not always right for each song.

5: why start now - a classic vibe of "why bother? let's get ta slackin'". feels very 90s to me.

I love my funky bass lines. I feel like I should show them off more cuz I do some pretty cool stuff sometimes.

You know what's very un 90s? The amount of self love I have for my work as I write this today. It took lots of therapy, will power and the desire to change to get here. Don't get me wrong I hear the "you suck" voice daily. Just now I thought "you're being really honest here. We feel vulnerable. don't do this" then another voice said "no one listens to your music and never will so who cares?". Then another voice said, "just be in your creative space and flow. this is a gift to have this. so many people wish they could make things. you're lucky".

This song had a completely different feel. Then I went on a dancehall trip with my spotify deep dives and realized I should try that. Re did the drums. Then realized lots of other stuff needed to be redone but cause it didn't work with my new groove. so yeah, this is a dancehall song. for me.

6: neat neat neat - i made this in like a week towards the end of my last album. it came together to quickly. i put it on there but then went i went to release it Landr was like "no covers otherwise you can't make any money from ANY of the other songs on the album".

So I am putting it on this one since I am using CDbaby to release this one and they won't ding all the other album tracks if they get lots of youtube streams.

Keith Hopkin sang on this too!

7: What we are

I have a slight headache. I probably have covid. this morning I had a million great ideas for a new song I am working on. I was also so excited to do all this admin work to release my new album. but now I just feel so scattered and can't wait for this to be over.

first line is something i remember steve albini saying in an interview when asked about movies or tv shows. talk about yucking someones yum! i often have to turn steve off in my head when i am watching something mediocre. i can see the acting and just how silly it all is.

i used a lot of 1176 compressors on the first version of this. ended up removing nearly all except on the gtrs. i dunno why but that thing never worked for me. I have friend that loves it. I don't like his drum sounds. but i get that it's a classic sound.

8: use a hoe slower

spent a long time trying to get this one to work. i like it's chill vibes.

Do I sing about being dead or alive a lot? I think I sang something similar on another song on this album. I dunno. I make a lot of music. I'm bound to repeat myself

Ok i'm done. I just did a proof reading pass about a week later. I definitely have covid. I toggle between dizzy, tired, confused, hungry and inspired to make dance music. I've started 3 tracks with beats and basslines and then stop. That's fine. It takes a lot of practice to get good at a new genre.

[kanisema-blog]

Shadows of Deception: Unraveling the Haunted Mansion Mystery

In the small town of Riverdale, there was a popular urban legend that had been circulating for years. The story of a mysterious mansion on the outskirts of town, rumored to be haunted by the ghost of a woman who had been murdered there decades ago. Many claimed to have seen strange lights and heard eerie noises coming from the mansion at night, but no one had ever been able to prove the existence of the ghost.

Vien, a local journalist, had always been intrigued by the legend of the haunted mansion. She had spent countless hours researching the history of the house and interviewing those who claimed to have had paranormal experiences there. But despite her best efforts, she had never been able to find any concrete evidence to support the existence of the ghost.

One day, while Vien was doing research at the town library, she met John, a retired detective who had worked on the murder case that was rumored to be connected to the mansion. John was a grizzled old man with a no-nonsense attitude, but Vien could tell that he had a wealth of knowledge about the case that could help her finally get to the bottom of the mystery.

"Vien, I hear you've been digging into the old mansion case," John said, his voice rough and gravelly. "I was the lead detective on that case, you know. I've got files and evidence that no one else has ever seen."

Vien's eyes lit up with excitement. "Really? That's incredible! I would love to see what you have. Maybe we can finally solve this mystery once and for all."

Over the next few weeks, Vien and John spent countless hours poring over old case files and evidence, trying to piece together the events that had taken place in the mansion all those years ago. They interviewed witnesses, studied old newspaper clippings, and even visited the mansion itself to see if they could uncover any new clues.

As they delved deeper into the case, Vien began to notice strange things happening around her. Lights flickered in her apartment, objects moved on their own, and she even heard whispers in the darkness when she was alone. She began to wonder if the ghost of the murdered woman was trying to communicate with her, or if it was all just a figment of her imagination.

One night, as Vien and John were reviewing some old photographs from the case, they noticed something peculiar in the background of one of the images. A shadowy figure standing in the window of the mansion, its eyes glowing with an otherworldly light. They both gasped in surprise, realizing that they may have finally captured proof of the ghost on camera.

"This is incredible," Vien said, her hands trembling as she held the photograph. "We actually have evidence of the ghost. This could be the breakthrough we've been looking for."

But John was more cautious. "Hold on now, Vien. Let's not jump to conclusions. This could easily be doctored or manipulated in some way. We need to investigate further before we can say for certain that this is real."

Their investigation led them to a local historian who had extensive knowledge of the mansion and its dark history. The historian revealed a shocking revelation that turned Vien and John's world upside down. The murder that had taken place in the mansion was not what it seemed. The victim had actually faked her death and had been living in hiding for years, orchestrating the ghostly sightings to keep people away from the mansion.

As the pieces of the puzzle fell into place, Vien and John realized that they had been played for fools. The ghost of the mansion was not real, but a clever ruse created by the woman to protect her secrets. They had been chasing a phantom, a figment of their own imagination, all along.

Feeling defeated, Vien and John returned to the mansion one last time to confront the woman and uncover the truth once and for all. But when they arrived, they found the mansion empty, its walls echoing with their footsteps as they searched for any sign of the woman. It was then that Vien noticed a flicker of movement out of the corner of her eye, a shadow disappearing into the darkness.

"Did you see that?" Vien asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

John nodded, his eyes narrowed in determination. "It seems our ghostly friend isn't quite done with us yet. Let's find out what she's hiding and put an end to this once and for all."

As they ventured deeper into the mansion, they discovered a hidden room filled with old photographs and newspaper clippings, each one depicting the woman's elaborate plan to fake her death and scare off anyone who dared to come near the mansion. Vien and John were amazed at the woman's cunning and attention to detail, but they knew they had to put a stop to her deception before anyone else fell victim to her schemes.

In the end, Vien and John confronted the woman in a tense standoff, demanding answers and closure to the mystery that had consumed their lives for so long. The woman, cornered and exposed, confessed to her crimes and revealed the truth behind the haunted mansion. Vien and John were relieved to finally have closure, but they knew that the memory of their harrowing ordeal would stay with them forever.

As they left the mansion behind, Vien and John shared a solemn moment of reflection, knowing that the line between reality and illusion was often blurred, and that the truth could be stranger than fiction. And as they walked away, the sun setting behind them, they knew that they had uncovered a story that would go down in Riverdale's history as one of the most bizarre and thrilling tales of all time.

[twunny20fission]

Books of 2023

Here are the books I read in 2023, with some thoughts on each

"Westside Lights" by WM Akers. A very good book, and a bittersweet ending to a trilogy I loved.

"Mighty Nein Origins: Fjord Stone" by Burke, Wyatt, Critical Role. A somewhat hollow, but fine entry in the series. Non-fans would get nothing from it, I imagine.

"Mighty Nein Origins: Nott the Brave" by Maggs, Critical Role. One of the best, if not the best, in the series. Pretty and well-constructed.

"The Light Fantastic" by Terry Pratchett. Loving all the Discworld books. This had strengths and weaknesses...not disappointing, but didn't blow me away compared to what I now know is ahead.

"Critical Role: Vox Machina Origins, Vol 3" by Mercer, Houser. Honestly, I don't really remember what happened in this book. The show and the books and the other show all seems to politely ignore each other. It can be maddening.

"Sandman Book 4" by Neil Gaiman. This one seemed to wander until it didn't. A satisfying entry in the story. Not the highest highs of Sandman, but still exemplary.

"The Adventure Zone: 11th Hour" by Clint, Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy and Carey Pietsch. Not my favorite arc, and adapting it must have been a beast. It was mostly successful. Art is always outstanding, the writing was...I'll say C+/B-?

"Cruel Shoes" by Steve Martin. I love Steve Martin's writing. His plays, novellas, and his book "Born Standing Up" are among the best things I've ever read. "Pure Drivel" is another thing I've read, somewhere middling. But Cruel Shoes (published when Steve Martin was a world famous comedian and entertainer, and therefore probably didn't have A. much free time and B. many people telling him 'no') - to put it mildly - sucks.

"Wild and Crazy Guys: How the Comedy Mavericks of the '80s Changed Hollywood Forever" by Nick de Semlyen. I wanted it to go deeper on certain things. But in retrospect, I think it did a great job at what it set out to do. Solid book, and a great thing to check out for those interested in Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray... and to a disappointing degree, John Candy and Rick Moranis.

"Ghost Light Dark Ghost" by R K Johnson. My dad wrote a book! Actually, this is the second one he's had published. It has...issues with the editing. He's one of the smartest people I've ever met, and has written and communicated thousands of pieces over the course of the last 40+ years...but he needed an editor. Some of the typos or fragments are just jarring. Still, I'm very proud. And it's a great story with outstanding characters.

"The Night Marchers & Other Oceanian Stories" by McDonald, et al. I kickstarted a thing that tells folk tales as anthologies of graphic tales. They are middling at best. This was one of the better collections.

"Vision: The Complete Collection" by King, Walta, Bellaire. I'd wanted to read this for a while, and I was not disappointed. Vision (of the Avengers) creates a wife, son, daughter (and eventually dog.) Things go haywire. Things get dark. Things get thought-provoking. Very cool, and I liked it a lot.

"Straight Lady: The Life & Times of Margaret Dumont, the 'Fifth Marx Brother'" by Chris Enss & Howard Kazanjian. I really wanted this to be better. Once it got into her career, the overwhelming weight of the Marx Brothers broke the momentum of talking about anything else. It spent more ink on the movies they made without her than it did on the movies she made without them. There are other books about them. I love them. This book was supposed to be about HER.

"Tamamo the Fox Maiden and Other Asian Stories" by Various authors and artists. This was in the same series as the other "cautionary fables" books. It was fine. Pretty good, but rarely great.

"Equal Rites" by Terry Pratchett. It took a while to get going. There were a lot of things happening, but no stakes or real conflict until about 2/3 of the way through the book. Then everything was rushed. Still smart and funny, but it could have been better.

"Danger and Other Unknown Risks" by Ryan North and Erica Henderson. I will praise both these creators to the moon & back. This book was creative, fun, smart, weird, and exciting.

"The Secret Lives of Color" by Kassia St. Clair. A cool book of featurettes on color: pigments, ideas, histories, etc. Extremely cool. One of those books I think I'll enjoy going back to. It's whimsical, yet grounded in facts.

"The Book of General Ignorance" by John Lloyd. A book to accompany "QI." There is a strong possibility that some of these things have since been disproven (book published in 2006.) But it was fun.

"Mighty Nein Origins: Mollymauk Tealeaf" by Jody Houser, Taliesin Jaffe, and more. This is the best in the 'Mighty Nein' series BY FAR.

"This is How You Lose the Time War" by Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone. It is considered standard practice to spoil as little of this book as possible when discussing it. This was a lovely, exciting, engaging, and beautiful book. No more to say right now.

"Nixie of the Mill-Pond & Other European Stories" by McDonald & Ashwin. This is the curse of the completist: even when you are no longer enjoying yourself, but press on. The sunk cost fallacy had be with this series. I kickstarted one, added-on the others, and by godorwhatever, I was going TO READ THEM. The writers didn't have to DO anything! The stories existed. Just tell them well. And almost every time, they BLEW IT.

"Camera Man: Buster Keaton, the Dawn of Cinema, and the Invention of the Twentieth Century" by Dana Stevens. Well-researched, well-written, and fun. Not a perfect book, but worthwhile.

"Stardust" by Neil Gaiman. Fun, smart, and a quick read. Don't think I'll ever need to revisit.

"The Woman in the Woods and Other North American Stories" by Various Creators. I had to finish. This one was probably the best? I would recommend none of them.

"Usagi Yojimbo Book 5: Lone Goat and Kid" by Stan Sakai. At one point early in the year I thought "I'm going to re-read some good-uns this year. Maybe over the summer." It didn't happen. Maybe next year. This is the only thing I read this year that I'd read previously. Usagi Yojimbo is extraordinary. This is not the best in the series, but it's still better than almost everything else out there.

"Mort" by Terry Pratchett. Not my favorite, but still great.

"Parasocial" by Alex de Campi & Erica Henderson. According to my self-reported ratings-at-the-time system, this was the highest-rated book of the year. I think that holds up to rating-now scrutiny. It is relentless, beautiful, important, and unlike anything else out there.

"Captain Carter: Woman Out of Time" by Mckelvie, Cresta, Milla, Arciniega. It was good. Could have been better. This is a comic that I think wanted to be a movie. I'd pay to see it.

"Illustrated Al" by "Weird" Al Yankovic, et al. I wanted it to be good. The fact is, most of the songs don't work as comics. It's fan art. Some of it is okay, most of it is mediocre, and one of them was truly great.

"Captain America: Sentinel of Liberty, Vol. 1" by Kelly, Carnero, Lanzing, Erofeeva. It was clunky but entertaining.

"Captain America: Sentinel of Liberty, Vol 2" by Kelly, Carnero, Lanzing, Erofeeva. Better than the first volume. Engaging, even. But didn't truly grab me.

"The City We Became" by NK Jemison. I don't know that it was a "masterpiece." Maybe the concept + hype set my expectations too high. It has a lot of great factors, but elements of it didn't slide into place perfectly. I'll check out the next one when I can, so it didn't fail.

"The Yiddish Policeman's Union" by Michael Chabon. This was a book a lot of people were talking about ~15 years ago. I never really knew what it was about. Briefly, it's a detective story (I'll say more in the hard-boiled tradition than the noir) in an alternate world where displaced Jewish people settled in Alaska during and after WWII. But the story itself is in the 2000-2010s. The majority of this book is describing people and places. The story itself doesn't take long, but it feels like it does. It has a pulp-detective feel that I enjoyed. The slang was a hurdle. But once I got used to it, I was able to feel very plugged in. The last 100 pages or so felt problematic (no spoilers) and a little rushed. It suffered from that phenomenon I see a lot: it's like the author only has so many pieces of paper left and begins racing to make sure they get things wrapped up before they have to go buy another ream. That's the best way I can explain it.

Moon Knight: the Complete Collection (2011) by Brian Michael Bendis, Alex Maleev. Very cool story, with elements of Moon Knight (and Echo) I was not aware of. There were some weird layout choices and trip-up dialogue moments that made it more confusing than it needed to be. But it was fun, smart, emotional, and cool.

Metrics!

Total books: 34

Total (non-graphic novel) pages: 4374

Total pages: 8105

Highest-rated: Parasocial

Lowest-rated: Cruel Shoes

Very Glad I Read It Award: This is How You Lose the Time War

Honorable Mention: The Secret Lives of Color

Glad It's Over Award: (four-way tie) Nixie of the Mill Pond, Night Marchers, Tamamo the Fox Maiden, Woman in the Woods

Disappointment of the Year: Cruel Shoes

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Dave Strider, Karkat Vantas, Vriska Serket

Act 6, page 7487-7492

JOHN: so tell me about your ridiculous meteor journey!

DAVE: um

JOHN: the dave from the bad time line told me some funny stories when we got together on the grassy hill planet

JOHN: but we weren't actually hanging out for that long, so i didn't hear much.

JOHN: also, i'm MOSTLY sure vriska wasn't alive during their trip.

DAVE: oh well let me tell you

DAVE: vriska was most certainly alive during this one

DAVE: like almost

DAVE: extra-alive, if thats possible

JOHN: haha.

JOHN: i think i know what you mean.

JOHN: i spent some time with her when she was a ghost, and uh...

JOHN: let's just say whatever her mortality status is, she makes her presence hard to ignore.

KARKAT: YES. YES!

KARKAT: I LOVE THIS.

KARKAT: CAN WE SPEND OUR WHOLE REMINISCENCE JUST DESTROYING VRISKA, SLIGHTLY ABOVE AUDIBLE LEVEL?

VRISKA: Slightly?

VRISKA: Karkat, you only have one volume setting.

KARKAT: WOW, FUCK YOU?!

DAVE: ok dude maybe lets not spend our paltime trash talking serket if only cus theres no way youre not getting repeatedly trounced exactly just like that

KARKAT: FFFFFFFFFFFFFYEAH.

KARKAT: YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

KARKAT: OK, I'LL CHILL OUT. YOU'RE RIGHT DAVE, AS USUAL.

JOHN: wow.

JOHN: karkat, for a funny shouty guy, you backed down on that really fast.

JOHN: i'm almost... a bit disappointed?

JOHN: i was looking forward to more of your patented ravings!

KARKAT: HEY, JOHN FUCKBERT, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M A LITTLE MORE MATURE AND REASONABLE THAN THE LAST TIME YOU SAW ME.

KARKAT: I'M A LOT MORE THAN MR. HOLLERSPONGE ONE-NOTE, AND ANYONE WHO DISPUTES THIS CAN CORDIALLY INVITE ME TO PLAY THEIR DIRTY SEED FLAP LIKE A DISCOUNT HARMONICA.

JOHN: oh. well, i'm sold.

KARKAT: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, IT'S PRETTY COOL TO FINALLY MEET YOU. I MEAN, UNDER MORE CIVIL, RATIONAL CIRCUMSTANCES.

KARKAT: UNLIKE WHATEVER THE *FUCK* THAT BRIEF ENCOUNTER WAS THREE YEARS AGO WHERE YOU KO'D VRISKA AND THEN POOFED YOUR FLIMSY ASS INTO THE FUCKALL CONTINUUM.

KARKAT: I KNOW I SEEMED REALLY MAD ABOUT THAT AT THE TIME, FOR WHATEVER REASON.

KARKAT: BUT REALLY, I'VE HAD SOOOOO MANY BORING HOURS ON THAT METEOR TO SPEND BARELY REFLECTING ON THE ROUGHLY TEN THOUSAND WAYS I DON'T GIVE THE SLIGHTEST FUCK ABOUT WHATEVER IDIOTIC TWIST OF FATE TRANSPIRED BACK THERE.

JOHN: heheh. ok?

KARKAT: I'M COMPLETELY OVER IT.

KARKAT: I'M OVER A LOT OF THINGS ACTUALLY.

JOHN: ... you are?

KARKAT: YEAH.

KARKAT: LIKE, REMEMBER BACK WHEN I WAS YELLING AT YOU ALL THE TIME FROM MY COMPUTER.

KARKAT: BACK THEN I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE FELT NERVOUS OR AWKWARD ABOUT THIS ENCOUNTER.

KARKAT: BECAUSE OF... WELL, YOU KNOW.

JOHN: no?

KARKAT: I WAS HITTING ON YOU BRIEFLY, AND IN A VERY CONFUSING NON-CHRONOLOGICAL WAY, WITHOUT EVEN QUITE REALIZING HOW BADLY I WAS SHOVING MY STRUT POD DOWN MY OWN STATEMENT TUNNEL.

DAVE: dude

KARKAT: I MEAN, UNTIL YOU MERCIFULLY AND WITH A FAIR AMOUNT OF TACT SHUT ME DOWN.

KARKAT: DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

JOHN: uh...

JOHN: maybe?

KARKAT: HOW CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER THAT?

JOHN: i dunno, it was a long time ago!

JOHN: and we had a lot of ridiculous conversations...

KARKAT: OK, WELL MAYBE IT WAS A BIGGER DEAL FOR ME THAN IT WAS FOR YOU.

KARKAT: I MEAN, *OBVIOUSLY* IT WAS, THAT'S SORT OF THE WHOLE POINT.

KARKAT: BUT THE *REAL* POINT IS, OR THAT I WAS *TRYING* TO MAKE, IS THAT IT *ISN'T* A BIG DEAL ANY MORE.

KARKAT: BECAUSE I'M OVER IT!

DAVE: karkat what the fuck are you doing

KARKAT: WHAT!

KARKAT: I'M TALKING, QUITE CASUALLY, ABOUT SOME SHIT THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

KARKAT: AND THE *POINT* IS THAT IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL ANYMORE, SO I'M JUST CASUALLY SAYING THAT! GOD.

DAVE: ok its not an unreasonable conversation to have but like

DAVE: we JUST started friend-jamming about past anecdotes to get us all up to speed or whatever

DAVE: and youre already trucking out these guns

KARKAT: GUNS? WHAT GUNS!

DAVE: just sayin, it doesnt sound that casual and no big deal if you keep saying its casual and no big deal oh and also its the first fuckin thing out of your mouth to john in three years

KARKAT: SORRY!

KARKAT: I'M SO TRULY FUCKING SORRY. I FORGOT THERE WAS SUCH AN OUTSTANDINGLY SMOOTH PILE OF SHIT IN A CAPE WITHIN MY JUDGMENT RADIUS!

JOHN: no, i mean, i think i remember.

JOHN: i think you were um, "black flirting" with me or something, but in backwards order, and while constantly yelling.

JOHN: and i didn't really even know what that was.

JOHN: and then i told you i wasn't a homosexual, so it was kind of a moot point, but also, you didn't even know what that was either?

KARKAT: YES!

KARKAT: THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT HAPPENED

KARKAT: AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS *TRYING* TO SAY I WAS OVER, AND WASN'T A BIG DEAL ANYMORE, BUT NOW IT'S A BIG DEAL AGAIN I GUESS?

KARKAT: THAT'S FUCKING GREAT! THANKS DAVE!

DAVE: yo im hardly one to talk here since i am a goddamn geyser of hilariously self-pulverizing freudian bloopers

DAVE: at this point i cant even pretend to keep a lid on any shit ive got in me cause i know sooner or later during one of my rad soliloquies ill just pratfall butt backwards into an embarrassing admission and i just have to be like yeah... yeah ok thats my shit thats what im about lets just get the fuck on with our lives

DAVE: so when johns like hey man and youre all locked and loaded with some stuff about how youre 'over him' and go on and on about it its like some way obvious protest-too-much shit and everybody knows it so i dont see how it salvages any of your dignity or whatever to pretend thats not whats happening

KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD...

DAVE: so what im saying is if youre so eager to push this out there-

KARKAT: I'M NOT "PUSHING THIS OUT THERE"!

DAVE: if youre pushing this out there which you are then maybe we should rap about it

DAVE: i mean discuss it critically and earnestly not drop ill rhymes or anything tho that could be sweet too

KARKAT: UEHRNGH.

DAVE: so are you SURE you still dont have these unreconciled blackrom feelings about john

DAVE: i say we air this out before it ferments into some rank and hella unexamined feeling sauce

JOHN: dave, i think you're making karkat uncomfortable!

JOHN: are you being a wise guy and trying to make us uncomfortable?

DAVE: no!

DAVE: i dont do that to bros thats huge uncool

DAVE: i dont see what has to be uncomfy about chattin out our true ass thoughts and emotions

KARKAT: YEEUURHNGHGHH.

DAVE: dude you clearly had a spades thing for john but i dont recall you ever bringing it up

DAVE: is this something you been thinking about all this time or

KARKAT: NO!

KARKAT: NOT... NOT REALLY

DAVE: yeah we coulda talked about this

DAVE: i have all KINDS of shit to say about john seeing as he was my number 1 dude for approximately the majority of 13 years

DAVE: the main dead end here man is like, nothing personal at all its just that he is literally incapable of hating anyone

KARKAT: I KNOW THAT!

KARKAT: THAT IS THE *EXACT* FUCKING THING I KNEW AND UNDERSTOOD, AND WHY I FELT SO STUPID ABOUT IT IN HINDSIGHT!

JOHN: well...

JOHN: not that i really want to egg on this train of thought, but i dunno if that's quite true.

KARKAT: IT'S NOT?

JOHN: i can get really angry and hate stuff too, just like you. but i think only in extreme cases?

JOHN: the skull guy in suspenders i got REALLY pissed off at...

JOHN: but i am a hundred percent sure that hate was platonic!

DAVE: gettin pissed off at a suspender dude sounds like just the sort of yarn i wanna be all ears for some time

DAVE: but ok thats something to work with

DAVE: hey karkat maybe theres some hope yet maybe its not a total lost cause

KARKAT: NERGH!

JOHN: ok, dave, it definitely sounds like you're trying to own us now!

DAVE: own

DAVE: what

DAVE: no way

DAVE: im being real as a motherfucker

JOHN: being able to hate things i think is...

JOHN: the smaller part of that equation?

JOHN: what about the other part? don't you think that's, uh...

JOHN: a little more significant?

DAVE: what part

JOHN: the part about not being a homosexual!!!

DAVE: john

DAVE: dude i gotta say

DAVE: when you talk about being or not being "a homosexual" you kinda sound like a corny old man

JOHN: what! why?

JOHN: no, that's a normal way of putting it!

JOHN: i mean... it's a pretty normal thing to say, right? when that's... how... you are?

KARKAT: SOMEBODY FUCKING KILL ME.

DAVE: what does normal mean though

DAVE: normal was some crap that ruled our dead civilization

DAVE: we left that behind years ago

DAVE: its all a huge pile of shit that doesnt matter anymore

JOHN: oh. kay?

JOHN: so then, you're saying...

JOHN: what are you saying?

DAVE: im not sure i guess

JOHN: ...

DAVE: ok i guess what im saying is

DAVE: i dont think its all as simple as you think it is

DAVE: or maybe not like ACTIVELY think it is but continue to assume it is on account of NOT thinkin about it much

DAVE: due to a lot of junk about the subject that gets shoved into our brains from movies and stuff while we were just dumb kids

JOHN: i,

JOHN: hm.

DAVE: im just saying it probably isnt as absolute or simplistic as the way youve been framing it

DAVE: or maybe it is for you personally i dont know

DAVE: im just guessing you havent spent much time thinking about it if only cause all the stuff we read and watch suggests that like even examining your honest thoughts about it is perilous road to go down

DAVE: cause if you actually think too much about it without always having that undercurrent of haha nope nope nope THEN what happens

DAVE: what if it turns out youre like...

JOHN: ...like?

DAVE: like not exactly the way you thought you were

DAVE: or maybe not so much that, as old presumptions about what you were turn out to be not that relevant?

KARKAT: (WHY. WHY ARE THESE WORDS HAPPENING TO OUR CONVERSATION.)

DAVE: i dunno man

DAVE: not sure what youve been doing the last 3 years all riding a large boat, then saving everyone from apocalyptic whatever

DAVE: but ive had a fuck ton of time on my hands to think about stuff

DAVE: about stuff ive said and done in the past why i said and did them

DAVE: a lot of things i once would have insisted were like part of my brand and helped me come across cool and smartassy

DAVE: but now im not so sure

DAVE: we used rip on each other all the time for being gay even though we knew we werent which of course is what made it "funny" remember

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: i dunno, it was pretty funny, sometimes.

JOHN: it was just a lot of joking around!

DAVE: yeah i know

DAVE: it frankly IS funny to say how gay something is sometimes and lets face it sometimes someone or something is just flat out REALLY fucking gay and theres no two ways about it

DAVE: its more like that through the preponderance of all that jokey shit is an underlying implication that its all lame stuff for pansies but not like us no were not lame and ha ha thats the joke

DAVE: which thrives on this like double-buried implication that the REAL COOL SHIT is founded on this absurd wanky ideal about masculinity which if you think about it is 1. dumb as fuck 2. the male adulation of masculinity to that extent TO BE HONEST is pretty fucking gay unto itself and 3. was always some totally impossible shit for us to live up to anyway

DAVE: i think all thats mixed up with the same phony ideals about heroism

DAVE: like living up to the storybook idea of what a hero to me feels almost interchangeable with living up to societys snapshot of what a hard manly dude should be

DAVE: i stopped pretending i could ever live up to either thing a while ago

DAVE: and mainly have spent time looking back on the sheer magnitude of all my "joking around"

DAVE: i used to lambaste fuckers left and right grinding them into the pavement over how gay they probably were and how much they were quite possibly jonesin to kiss some dudes or such

DAVE: and i dont really feel bad about it in the sense that it was jerky or like "insensitive" necessarily even though i guess it maybe was

DAVE: more that i feel like it was probably transparent

DAVE: a massive front of outrageous snark to disguise a lot of insecurity

DAVE: like a fuckin coverup

DAVE: as long as i kept clowning hard about it i didnt actually have to think about it or face my actual beliefs

JOHN: dave, um.

JOHN: all that's cool and all, and...

JOHN: i think i mostly agree?

JOHN: but...

JOHN: ummmm, how do i put this.

JOHN: are you...

JOHN: are you gay now?

DAVE: what no

KARKAT: (THE WORDS. WHY WON'T THE WORDS STOP. DEAR GOD.)

JOHN: i dunno, it sounds to me like you're trying tell me something here!

DAVE: man no look

JOHN: i mean, it's ok if you're gay now!

JOHN: that's totally cool, if true.

JOHN: i just think...

JOHN: you turning gay would be kind of a weird consequence of me changing the time line around?

JOHN: ok, not "weird"...

JOHN: just, unexpected!

JOHN: i dunno what i did that would account for that.

JOHN: maybe saving one of terezi's plush toys did some goofy homosexual butterfly effect thing on you?

JOHN: jeez, who knows!

DAVE: dude you arent listening

DAVE: although a gay butterfly effect is a pretty funny idea lets not dismiss that as a concept altogether

DAVE: anyway maybe what im tryin to say is sorta getting lost in the weeds here

DAVE: the fact that you were wondering if i "turned gay" makes me think maybe youre still not quite on the wavelength im tryin to ramble on here

DAVE: maybe we should wrestle this topic to the ground another time, theres a lot more id wanna say but this is probably not the venue

DAVE: i mean not literally wrestle to the ground because that is maybe literally the gayest course of action we could possibly take but you know what i mean

KARKAT: (YES! LATER! TALK LATER, BECAUSE THEN THE WORDS WOULD STOP! OH WOULDN'T THAT BE LOVELY.)

JOHN: that's fine, we can talk about anything you want, any time.

JOHN: i'm just still confused about what you're getting at, is all.

JOHN: like, what is the bottom line here?

JOHN: are you actually attracted to boys now?

JOHN: do you...

JOHN: um.

JOHN: did you...

JOHN: like, date any boys?

DAVE: uh

JOHN: but there weren't even that many boys on the meteor?

JOHN: well, there's the clown guy, but i don't really see you and him...

JOHN: that really only leaves...

JOHN: um, were you and karkat...

JOHN: ARE you and karkat, like.

JOHN: hmm.

KARKAT: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

KARKAT: I RETREAT TO MY SAFE PLACE, AND YET THE WORDS. THE STUPID FUCKING PRATTLE JOCKEYING LIKE ROWDY BARNBEASTS UP AGAINST THE PARTITIONS OF GOOD FUCKING SENSE AND THE MOST BASIC OF PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.

KARKAT: THE GOD DAMNED BLITHER OF TACTLESS NINCOMPOOPS, HOW IT CONTINUES TO HAUNT MY WRETCHED EARS. THE WORDS SPILL OVER THE SIDE OF THIS ENCHANTED METAL FROG DISCUS, LIKE A BABBLING SPRING IN A MYTHICAL FOREST GOVERNED BY A GUILD OF GOSSIP-HUNGRY LOBOTOMY HOBBITS. THIS DELUGE OF WORDS, LEAKED FROM THE INCONTINENT CREVICES OF TWO BRAINLESS GUSHING YAMMERTWATS, IT OVERFLOWETH, OH HOW IT OVERFLOWETH, SOGGING MY GRAY, PRACTICAL PAIR OF PANTS, THE LEGGINGS OF A SIMPLE MAN. A HUMBLE MAN. IT THEN CONTINUES ITS DOWNWARD TRICKLE, DOUSING MY UNREMARKABLE SHIRT, THE SERVICEABLE GARMENT OF YOUR AVERAGE ALTERNIAN "JOE", CHILLING THE FRAIL TORSO BENEATH, A PATHETIC DUFFEL OF MEAT WRACKED WITH HEAVY SOBS, SOBS CAUSED BY WORDS, WORDS WHICH CONTINUE TO DRIP. AND SLEUCE. AND SPILL. THREATENING TO DROWN ME. PLEDGING TO. PROMISING! AND YET I WILL NOT DROWN. WHY WON'T I DROWN? PLEASE LET ME DROWN. LET ME DROWN SO THE WORDS WILL BE NO MORE!

JOHN: dave, i'm pretty sure we're making karkat uncomfortable now.

DAVE: yeah maybe we should drop this

JOHN: ok.

DAVE: i dunno if you ever picked this up from him but hes a pretty sensitive guy

JOHN: what?? nooooo.

DAVE: its true

DAVE: hes pretty much the easiest dude to rip on and makes for an irresistible target but you also have to know where to draw the line

DAVE: really dont wanna actually you know like

DAVE: upset him

JOHN: yeah, me neither.

JOHN: um...

JOHN: what the fuck is he doing?

DAVE: man i dont know

DAVE: thats just his regular shit

DAVE: like, an every day occurrence but with different bodily positions and geographic configurations

JOHN: i see.

DAVE: bro will you get the fuck up here

KARKAT: NO!

DAVE: k suit yourself

DAVE: um anyway

DAVE: as you can see ive been spending probably way too much time with trolls

JOHN: ha ha.

DAVE: it messes with you

DAVE: gets you thinkin about... stuff

DAVE: you know?

JOHN: i can imagine.

JOHN: i think life was a lot more boring on the ship.

JOHN: but we talked about you all a lot!

JOHN: we would always wonder how you and rose were managing to get along with all those crazy trolls.

JOHN: i think mostly we pictured a lot of arguments.

DAVE: thats not too far off

JOHN: i'm still getting used to having such insane, limitless powers that let me go anywhere i want...

JOHN: it's tempting to go to time periods like yours and find out what i missed.

JOHN: but i don't want to mess with too much anymore, since it seems like i got the time line to a nice stable place as it is.

JOHN: so i guess i just have to do what any regular guy does, and imagine fondly what it would be like if i got to travel with you guys.

JOHN: i wonder if i would have gotten like... absorbed in troll culture too? or troll ways of thinking.

DAVE: its really inevitable

DAVE: you pick up the lingo they pick up yours

DAVE: its like a stupid cultural melange after a while that barely makes any sense from either frame of reference

JOHN: i wonder if i would have learned to understand black romance?

JOHN: it's such a goofy idea, but it seems pretty important to trolls.

DAVE: they take all their quadrants pretty seriously tbh

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: years ago when we first met the trolls, i remember being pretty fascinated by all our cultural differences, when karkat and vriska were telling me about them.

JOHN: i remember really sincerely trying to understand it all from their point of view! it's hard though.

JOHN: i still think about the idea of black romance sometimes, and try to imagine how that really works... or "feels"... i don't know.

JOHN: do you understand it?

DAVE: yeah ive spent enough time talkin about it where i think i "get it" but

DAVE: ive never had cause or any real inclination to put it into practice or anything

JOHN: mainly the idea of hating somebody, and translating that into attraction, or some kind of romancey feeling... it feels so alien to me.

JOHN: and you're right, i have a really hard time even hating anyone in the first place!

DAVE: word

JOHN: i mean, i get ANNOYED by people, sure.

DAVE: like who

DAVE: me?

JOHN: no, not really.

JOHN: well, sometimes, but not much. i always tended to exaggerate my grievances with you, for the sake of laughs.

DAVE: heheh

JOHN: a better example is, more recently, when i was doing my retcon mission...

JOHN: i was getting REALLY annoyed with terezi and her mind games.

DAVE: yuuup

JOHN: it definitely never crossed the line to "hate" though, because we were working together to try and fix a dire situation, and even though she's weird and insane, she's otherwise a pretty good friend.

JOHN: but all her needling and japes at totally inappropriate times, when there was so much on the line...

JOHN: argh, it was SO FRUSTRATING.

KARKAT: EGBERT, I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU.

DAVE: whoa hes back!

DAVE: all right side up and everything

KARKAT: I HEARD YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT QUADRANTS, SO I DECIDED TO PAUSE MY TANTRUM.

KARKAT: JOHN, ALL YOU'RE DOING HERE IS DESCRIBING THE SUBTLE FEELINGS WHICH PLANT THE SEED FOR HAVING A CALIGINOUS CRUSH ON SOMEONE.

JOHN: what??

KARKAT: YOU HEARD ME.

KARKAT: YOU ARE NAIVELY ADMITTING TO STRUGGLING WITH SOME BLACK FEELINGS FOR TEREZI.

KARKAT: SO, THERE YOU GO. QUESTION ANSWERED.

KARKAT: TURNS OUT YOU ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF BLACK ROMANCE.

JOHN: n... no!

KARKAT: A FAIR REBUTTAL. HOWEVER, CONSIDER THIS COUNTERPOINT:

KARKAT: Y... YES???

JOHN: but i don't HATE her, and i'm sure i never will!

JOHN: i'm just saying i find her, like, somewhat annoying, and REALLY aggravating a lot of the time, but that's it!

KARKAT: BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE FEELING IS!

KARKAT: IT DOESN'T START OUT AS FULL BLOWN ANTIPATHY, AND IT RARELY EVEN REACHES SUCH AN EXTREME LEVEL OF HOSTILITY EVEN OVER LONG TERM BLACK RELATIONSHIPS.

KARKAT: THERE ARE PEAKS TO IT, BUT OTHERWISE A GENERAL EBB AND FLOW TO THE DARK FEELINGS, JUST LIKE WITH FLUSHED RELATIONSHIPS.

JOHN: ok, but...

JOHN: i don't know if i'm expressing myself clearly.

JOHN: i felt aggravated by her a lot, but that doesn't fully describe...

JOHN: like, there were those "negative" feelings, but also...

JOHN: but...

KARKAT: YEAH, THAT'S IT, RIGHT THERE!!!

KARKAT: THE "BUT" IS ALWAYS PART OF IT.

KARKAT: WHAT YOU'RE *TRYING* TO SAY IS, YOU HAD FRUSTRATED, NEGATIVE EMOTIONS TOWARD HER, BUT THEY DON'T COMPREHENSIVELY ACCOUNT FOR YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD HER.

KARKAT: MEANING, THERE ARE SOME THINGS ABOUT HER YOU ACTUALLY LIKE, BUT THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS MAKE IT HARD FOR YOU TO PUT YOUR FINGER ON THEM, OR EVEN WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM.

KARKAT: THAT IS ABSOLUTELY STANDARD. WHAT GOOD WOULD IT BE HAVING A KISMESIS WHO DIDN'T POSSESS QUALITIES YOU ACTUALLY ADMIRED ON SOME LEVEL?

KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE BORING, AND IT WOULDN'T EVEN WORK. THERE'D BE NO TENSION, NO PUSH AND PULL IN THE TURBULENT EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE. THE SUBTLE POSITIVES ADD FUEL TO THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS, OFTEN GIVING THEM A REASON TO EXIST AT ALL. THEY INFLAME THE AGGRAVATING FACTORS, REMINDING YOU DEEP DOWN HOW MUCH YOU WOULD LIKE AND ADMIRE THIS PERSON IF IT WASN'T FOR ALL THEIR INFURIATING FLAWS, AND THE INCREDIBLE SENSE OF FRUSTRATION THAT CAUSES ALONG WITH ALL THE ASSOCIATED HOT-HEADED FEELINGS, THAT'S THE ESSENCE OF BLACK ROMANCE.

KARKAT: AND THE POSITIVE QUALITIES YOU SEE DEEP DOWN IN A KISMESIS ALSO SERVE AS THE BASIS FOR RED FEELINGS TOWARD THAT PERSON, ASSUMING THE RELATIONSHIP EVER STARTS TO VACILLATE.

KARKAT: IT'S ALL PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD, REALLY.

JOHN: no... this is messed up!

DAVE: i dunno john it all sounds pretty logical to me

DAVE: karkat knows his shit when it comes to quadrants

JOHN: argh!

JOHN: it can't be true though...

JOHN: it feels so fucked up!

JOHN: what if you're right though... erg! no...

JOHN: no, no, no, no...

KARKAT: THAT'S PART OF IT TOO!

KARKAT: THE "NO NO NO" IS ALL PART OF THE FEELING. THAT'S HOW IT *ALWAYS* GOES.

KARKAT: THIS SENSE OF SELF INCRIMINATION WHEN IT'S DAWNING ON YOU THAT YOU HAVE THESE CONFLICTING FEELINGS TOWARD SOMEONE WHO BUGS YOU SO MUCH.

KARKAT: OH MY GOD, THIS WHOLE REACTION IS SO FUCKING TEXTBOOK. IT'S HILARIOUS, REALLY.

JOHN: it's fucked up though!!!

KARKAT: IT'S SUPPOSED TO FEEL FUCKED UP!

JOHN: aw, man. :(

JOHN: i just wanted to have a nice catch-up chat, not get so transparently owned at the trollmances.

DAVE: it happens to the best of us sooner or later

DAVE: this crap is kind of old hat to me by now but i get why youre kinda freckling at the implications here

DAVE: you didnt have years of livin with trolls to kinda normalize this stuff

JOHN: i don't think i want it to feel normalized though!

JOHN: i'm not ready to...

JOHN: like, admit that... i have some warped spade crush on her, based on...

JOHN: some feeling i don't understand and makes no sense to me!

JOHN: oh god... what if it's true??

JOHN: i have to try as hard as i can to suppress this feeling and make sure i never think about it again!

DAVE: ok sounds like a weenie thing to do but sure have fun with that

JOHN: fuck.

JOHN: yeah, probably.

JOHN: just...

JOHN: please don't tell her about any of this, ok guys?

KARKAT: JOHN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND US ABOUT ONE OF THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL STATUTES OF THE BRO CODE, WHICH IS PRACTICALLY FUCKING SCRIPTURE ON MY PLANET, DATING BACK HUNDREDS OF MILLENIA.

KARKAT: DAVE AND I FUCKING SLEEP AND BREATHE THE BRO CODE AND ALL OF ITS CLAUSES, NO MATTER HOW FINE THE PRINT.

KARKAT: FEEL FREE TO COME AND TALK TO US ABOUT THIS ANY TIME. YOUR SECRETS WILL ALWAYS BE SAFE.

DAVE: dude that sentiment is well and good but

DAVE: when youre pledging a vow of secrecy maybe you should try to keep it down a little

KARKAT: DAMN. YEAH.

KARKAT: SORRY.

JOHN: this is really confusing though.

JOHN: assuming you're right, and i am "busted" on having those feelings... and i'm not even saying you aren't.

JOHN: but...

JOHN: i thought humans weren't supposed to be able to feel stuff like that?

KARKAT: LIKE WHAT EXACTLY?

JOHN: like, perceive and feel romantic stuff, in the same way trolls do.

JOHN: because we're aliens to each other!

JOHN: well ok, humans can feel the gay stuff pretty often, i guess.

JOHN: i didn't think we could feel the spade stuff, though.

JOHN: i dunno, i just thought it was some screwy biological difference?

DAVE: nah i disagree

DAVE: both humans and trolls are emotionally versatile sentient beings that can feel many hells of different things

JOHN: you're probably right.

JOHN: you would know better than me, at least.

DAVE: thats always a smart fallback position btw

DAVE: especially on rap

DAVE: i could school you on rap too are you confused about rap

JOHN: no dave, i think i'm pretty squared away on rap.

JOHN: at least for now. :p

DAVE: so uh

DAVE: this has been a hell of a reminiscence so far

JOHN: yeah...

DAVE: seriously though i wasnt actually intending to fork this like instantaneously in the direction of some like

DAVE: legitimately sincere dialogue on fuckin sexuality and romance

DAVE: i didnt plan on this dude you gotta believe me

JOHN: i believe you!

JOHN: it's been cool though.

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: did we cover everything

JOHN: um...

JOHN: probably not?

JOHN: oh, right.

JOHN: you dated jade for a while, so there's that.

DAVE: whoa what

JOHN: i mean, dave sprite did.

DAVE: oh

JOHN: and of course i mean, the one from my time, obviously not the one from this time, who died i guess before that happened.

DAVE: right

JOHN: man, that still just seems... so sad.

JOHN: i guess even when you fix things, not everything can be perfect.

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: so

DAVE: howd that go

DAVE: me and jade

DAVE: or...

DAVE: him and jade

JOHN: ok, i guess.

JOHN: my sense was, it was kind of dramatic overall.

JOHN: i'm not sure it was the best relationship, probably because of dave sprite's uh...

JOHN: "unique issues".

DAVE: hmm

JOHN: but there were a lot of fun memories.

JOHN: i'll tell you about them some time. maybe when jade is awake, because i'm sure she'd want to know too!

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: hey

DAVE: um

JOHN: ?

DAVE: the girl you came with

DAVE: roses mom

JOHN: roxy?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: whats she like

JOHN: she's nice!!!

JOHN: really nice.

JOHN: she is fun and easy to talk to...

JOHN: it almost feels like she has always been one of our friends, you know?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: how uh

DAVE: how long have you and she actually been traveling together

JOHN: umm...

JOHN: not too long.

JOHN: we only met like a day ago, i mean, from my perspective.

DAVE: huh

JOHN: she's been through some really difficult stuff recently.

JOHN: well, we both have, actually.

JOHN: but i feel like it was all... a bit more personal for her?

JOHN: being on her adventure, then suddenly losing all her friends, and watching rose die right there, while she'd been kinda viewing rose as a version of her mom...

JOHN: i was just some goofball drifting randomly here and there between realities, so i was mostly just confused by everything.

JOHN: but for her, i could tell it was all really devastating.

JOHN: i'm so happy she gets to be with rose again!!!!!!!!!!

JOHN: not to mention all her other friends!

JOHN: for some reason i feel happier for her getting to reunite with people she lost than i do for myself.

DAVE: it sounds like you like her

JOHN: i do!

DAVE: no i mean

DAVE: actually like her

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: ... uh, hm.

JOHN: i don't know.

JOHN: maybe.

DAVE: wow dude after one day maybe you should slow your roll

JOHN: i didn't say i did though!!!

DAVE: im joking its fine who cares

JOHN: oh, ok.

DAVE: shes my mom isnt she

JOHN: man.

JOHN: i'm not sure if we should keep thinking about all our relations that way.

DAVE: why

JOHN: it's kinda weird!

DAVE: is it

JOHN: ...

DAVE: do you feel weird about dating my mom is that it

JOHN: i'm not dating her though!

DAVE: but if you did

DAVE: then you wouldnt wanna think of her like that because of like the familial weirdtimes it invokes

JOHN: jeez.

JOHN: i don't know. i...

JOHN: i don't know if i'm ready for every single "deep" conversation we can squeeze into this wacky rapid fire session of fun pal-talk!

DAVE: ok

DAVE: but

DAVE: i think i like thinking of her as my mom

DAVE: even if its a lil weird

JOHN: you do?

JOHN: why?

DAVE: not sure

DAVE: i never even stopped and thought about it before

DAVE: the idea of what it would be like to have a mom

DAVE: instead of a hyper-aggressive lunatic of an adult male guardian

DAVE: i never let myself give it a second of consideration

DAVE: but now

DAVE: seeing her actually here even though shes just some teen girl i never met

DAVE: i like the idea

DAVE: its nice

JOHN: ...

JOHN: ok, that's actually kind of cute.

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: yeah i guess it kind of fucking is

JOHN: alright, well.

JOHN: no matter what happens, it's ok with me if you want to think of her that way. :)

DAVE: sweet

[back-and-totheleft]

Stone unturned

WILL Jimeno's initial reaction to his 9/11 experiences being turned into a movie was to say he didn't want to do it. "I couldn't see how Hollywood would take our story and put it on the big screen. I was hesitant about it," he admits.

The story of how Jimeno and fellow police officer John McLoughlin were pulled from the rubble after being buried 20ft below the surface for more than 12 hours is a remarkable one.

But neither felt comfortable when approached about being the focus of a big movie dealing with the attack on the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. They were two of only 20 people rescued from beneath the piles of concrete slabs and twisted metal after the Twin Towers collapsed.

Meetings with producers and a screenwriter eased their fears. Then, when he heard that Oliver Stone - controversial director of JFK, Platoon, Nixon, Natural Born Killers and Alexander - was to helm the project, Jimeno realised that this uncompromising director was the right man for the job.

"We knew that this had the potential to be a great film. Whether you love or hate this man - and I love him - he stands up for what he believes in, says Jimeno, joining Stone for the London launch of the movie World Trade Center.

"After we saw the completed version of the film for the first time, I walked out and gave him a big hug and kiss, and told him he'd kept his word to me - he'd done good for America and for the world. I hope people see Oliver as a talented director who believes in something and goes forward with that."

Sergeant John McLoughlin (played on screen by Nicolas Cage) and Jimeno (Michael Pena) were among five men from the Port Authority Police Department who went into the buildings and were trapped when the towers collapsed. Lying injured 20ft below the rubble field, they couldn't see each other but could hear each other and kept each other alive talking about their lives and families until rescue arrived. The film cuts between the trapped men, their families waiting for news and the rescuers.

Stone has received some of the best reviews of an often-stormy career for World Trade Center. "It was a minefield that could have blown up in our face," he admits. "We had political considerations in New York. The producers spent hours and hours having dozens of meetings with all kinds of groups, widows groups, political groups.

"We shot in New York but there were many limitations. And then, of course, technically we depended on Will and John and the rescuers for very complicated technical advice."

Stone was aware that 9/11 events looked just like a movie, remembering that on the day itself people were comparing it to a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, a reference to the producer specialising in big budget action movies.

Making a film like that was precisely what Stone didn't want to do. "I'm sure there could be a Towering Inferno made out of this, they could make a hell of an exciting movie. It would probably be a big popcorn movie," he says.

"But the beauty of this, and the originality of it, was that it was apolitical, a microcosmic story. Going into Noah's Ark with the whole human race getting sucked down and then out of the belly of the whale, so to speak, these two are spit back. Only 20 survivors, a very amazing ratio. And these two had a coherent story."

Stone believes his own combat duty - he served in the US Army Infantry in Vietnam, where he was wounded twice and decorated with the bronze star for valour - was an asset in getting into the minds of McLoughlin and Jimeno. "It's been noted in my work in the past that I've been interested in death states, and in this movie it was a chance to really talk to two men who had been as close to death as most men have ever been in their lives," he explains.

"What brings them back? What is the thing that connects them to the Earth? I choose to believe, and I may be dead wrong, they survived because of metaphysical reasons, not only physical reasons. There's an inner life going on. John had beliefs in family and a faith, and Will was similar, and their helping each other contributed to it. The mind is what kept them alive."

Jimeno also sees Stone's past was a help, seeing a common denominator between a police officer and a military person. "I don't care where you're from in the world, people who've seen combat understand there's a certain honour and a certain obligation to honour those who've lost their lives," he says.

"The McLoughlins and the Jimenos didn't do this film for money or fame. We did this to bring out the story of those that we lost, the strength of our wives and of our rescue workers.

"Oliver gave me his word. I never had a concern after that, knowing that for the man who'd seen combat to do anything different would disgrace those memories and him. I knew he wasn't going to do that."

Stone's satisfied that both survivors and those who died in the tragedy are honoured by the story of McLoughlin and Jimeno. "It's a way of remembering them in a positive way. This is a memorial and the function of a memorial is to remember," he says. "Believe it or not, in America many people have already forgotten 9/11. They're living with the consequences of it, which are nightmarish. They ought to put up a memorial at that place. I hope this will be another form of memorial."

Reliving the many hours they were trapped through the movie recreation was obviously painful for Jimeno and McLoughlin and their families. Seeing the movie for the first time produced "a rollercoaster of emotions," says Jimeno.

"Once you get over seeing regular people like ourselves portrayed on film, you have the emotions of happiness as we were leaving the house. I'd just bought my first house six weeks before the attacks, my wife was pregnant, I had a beautiful little girl and was going to work at, for me, the best job at the Port Authority Police Department in New Jersey.

"Then you get to work and you have fear, you have power, you have pain, you see the loss of life. But at the end of the film we walked out with a lot of honour.

"The most important thing is faith, hope and love. That's when I walked out and gave Oliver a hug and a kiss. I feel bad for anybody who doesn't walk out with those emotions, because then I don't know what you're seeking in life.

"Those things are there. It happened on 9/11, in London, in Spain, in India. I keep using Edmund Burke's quote 'all that is needed for evil to prevail is for good men to stand by and do nothing'.

"There were good men and women on 9/11 - Oliver's showing that. And everybody throughout the world can gain from our experience if they're confronted with a tragedy."

-Steve Pratt, "Stone unturned," The Northern Echo, Sept 30 2006

[moony-lupiin]

MOON SONG - J.P

(James Potter x Reader)

Summary: loving James can be difficult when he doesn’t love himself

Warnings: talk of self hatred,BPD

(Moon song by Phoebe Bridgers)

A/N: I looked up the meaning of this song to get it accurate and it’s said it’s about dating someone who hates themselves/feels they aren’t enough which leads to stupid decisions so that’s how I’m going to lay this story out <3

Lyrics in italic

You asked to walk me home but I had to carry you and you pushed me in and now my feet can't touch the bottom of you

“Bloody hell” James grunted, shoes slipping off of his sore feet with you following these actions.

You just spent the night in a pub with many old friends, it was now the early hours of the morning and you’d only just got back.

You giggled as you tripped over your own feet, almost colliding with the carpet beneath your feet. James slid into the kitchen, a meter ruler suddenly being stuffed between you. He’d been off with you all night, refusing to look your way and dropping your hand when you tried to comfort him.

You couldn't have, you couldn't have stuck your tongue down the throat of somebody who loves you more

You entered the kitchen behind James and stared at his tense back. You wanted to kiss all his pain away, shove your tongue down his throat until the only thing he could remember was you. He needed to forget yet he wouldn’t allow you to help him so you had to sit and watch, watch your lover fade away.

So I will wait for the next time you want me like a dog with a bird at your door

“I’m going to bed love, see you up there?”

Your fingers lay crossed by your side, awaiting his make or break answer.

“I was thinking of sleeping in the spare room, I’ll be tossing and turning all night I don’t want to keep you awake”

Liar. He knew he was lying but that’s all he felt he could do. How could he tell you he didn’t feel enough? His mind didn’t allow James to show emotion as he saw it as a weakness so now James was left with a damaged mindset and and even more damaged relationship. He wasn’t enough for you. He wasn’t enough. He rolled his wedding ring around his finger, a sigh leaving his downturned lips. He needed to leave you, you needed someone better.

We hate Tears in Heaven but it's sad that his baby died and we fought about John Lennon

James slept downstairs that night, he found a home on the sofa and stayed there. He wanted to be upstairs with you, kissing away his troubles while he returned the favour but he couldn’t. He didn’t deserve you. He lay away all night wondering how on earth he was going to leave you.

When you awoke the next morning you entered the kitchen to see James cooking, a John Lennon song wittering away in the background.

“John Lennon is a bizarre choice for 10.00am in the morning”

“Yeah well I actually like him I can stand him being around others however are a different story” he stressed

You knew that was a shot at you.

You cursed his mind for this, leaving him with a cursed head space which played a part in your fucked up relationship. Your lips hadn’t met in months and his hands hadn’t dared touch you in way too long for it to be a simple bad day. He was falling out of love.

Until I cried and then went to bed upset

“Coming to bed?” You questioned later that night. James had been avoiding you all day. You were close to tears but kept them at bay for the sake of not wanting to seem weak in front of your lover. You wouldn’t cry over his toxic mindset. You wouldn’t.

“I’m going out tonight” he mumbled, bumping your shoulder as he headed for the door, slipping his shoes on and leaving.

Now I'm dreaming and you're singing at my birthday i've never seen you smiling so big it's nautical themed and there's something I'm supposed to say but can't for the life of me remember what it is

You dreamt of him that night, a perfect relationship was cast in your mind and you wished to never leave. A sick feeling in your stomach caused you to stir. You crept downstairs, the sofa was empty and the guest room was vacant too. He wasn’t back yet.

A soft smile adorned your face as you caught sight of your wedding photos. He was so happy, arms around your waist almost glueing you to him. That was your boy. Whoever he was now wasn’t your boy, that was a stranger.

And if I could give you the moon i would give you the moon

You loved him despite his problems, he was yours as much as you were his, the wedding ring which sat open your finger sealed this promise.

You are sick, and you're married and you might be dying but you're holding me like water in your hands

The front door creaked open, a disheveled James entering. Judging by the lack of clothes and messy hair you knew Lily has finally got her prize. She’d finally got him.

“James” you greeted. His head snapped towards you, colour draining from his face but not a trace of guilt was to be found.

He gave you a curt nod before taking a seat on the sofa where he once lay comfortably.

“Did you sleep with her?” You needn’t ask but felt it was only right to hear it from him.

He didn’t reply but nor did he deny it. He’d finally done it, finally broke the most precious thing he’d ever owned.

“We’re married James yet half the time I feel like I’m living with a stranger. You might be dying on the inside James but I’m really trying here, I’m trying to love you but it’s almost impossible when you can barley meet my eyes”

He turned around at that, his stomach dropping to the floor.

What had he done?

When you saw the dead little bird, you started crying but you know the killer doesn't understand

Tears slipped down your cheeks, you wiped them away swiftly before clearing your throat and throwing your mug into the sink.

James didn’t understand. How could you be upset? He was doing you a favour. He was freeing you so why were you still trying to cling onto him?

He’d killed you both inside and out.

But the killer didn’t understand.