#i've never actually made a bald man so

[chapinii]

i'm taking the plunge. I wanna make q!pac and q!fit on the sims.

[only-luce-the-goose]

Tinge of Jealousy

A/N: Helloooo again! This is a separate part of a previous request. I'm thinking of writing for other drivers, like Ollie, Kimi, Paul, the Papaya boys, maybe the Ferrari boys. I've only written for Arthur (Ive got one for Ollie) and i was thinking of doing others, obviously after I've finished the ones I'm currently writing. lmk if anyone has any ideas!

Arthur Leclerc x reader

Warnings: little jealousy/possessiveness but not a disgusting amount, creepy men at a bar

Based off this part of a previous request:

“Or maybe something about him being a little jealous and possessive not in a grotesque sense like I had to defend her from someone in a bar or something, like her being too nice by not wanting to walk away so as not to hurt the other person even if it's bothering her (that happens to me often haha😅)”

Arthur had an amazing race weekend, consistently holding podium positions the whole time and to celebrate you both decided to go to the club. You rolled up in Arthur's car, him jogging around to the other side of the car to open the door for you and help you out. He was wearing a light button-up shirt, which accentuated his biceps nicely, with dark pants. You were wearing a dark red dress which showed off all the right places, dipping into your cleavage. You walked into the club, hand in hand.

You found the rest of the drivers and some of their friends and partners. You left Arthur with them as you went to buy drinks. You wander up to the bar, aware of the numerous sets of eyes on you as you walk. You take a seat and tell the bartender your drinks. You've just pulled out your phone to respond to a text from your parents when a figure sits next to you. Initially, you ignore him until he presses the off button on the side of your phone. You look up at him, pissed that he would touch your property. "That's better" the creepy man grumbles.

He had to have been about 6'2, maybe in his mid to late thirties. He had an unkempt, ginger beard and you could tell he was already balding. He was big, with broad shoulders, lumberjack-looking, and scary. His eyes told you things you didn't want to know. "What's a pretty young thing like you doing in a place like this? he murmured in your ear. "I'm here with friends, actually. Just, uhm, waiting for our drinks". Your hands became clammy and started shaking, you were taking shallow breaths, trying your hardest not to freak out. You have never hoped for someone else to be watching you.

"Arthur, mate. I think your girl needs saving. She looks really uncomfortable" Lando spoke to Arthur over the loud music. Arthur looked over at the bar to see you trying your hardest not to panic, however he couldn't see the man who was creeping you out. He made his way over to rescue you when he saw the size of the man. He turned around and walked back to the group. "Hey, umm, guys?" he stammered "I need your help getting Y/N away from this guy". Charles, Lando, Oscar, Carlos, Max, Esteban, Pierre, Logan, Alex, Ollie, Kimi, and Paul all looked at Arthur concerned. "What do you mean, mate?" Kimi asked.

He motioned the group over to where they could all see the man who was trying to harass you, who now had his hand on your thigh and was whispering in your ear. "As much as I was to go punch that guy in the face, I would not win" Arthur said they all gaped at the sheer size of him. Arthur started walking, the 12 drivers hot on his tail. Arthur wrapped his hands around your waist and kissed your temple, silently telling you that it was him. "That's my girlfriend you're touching, mate, and you are way too close" Arthur declared, the other drivers staying just out of sight for now. The pervert looked Arthur right in the eyes as he said "I don't see a ring, so as far as I care she is free to do whatever anyone else wants". Arthur felt you shrink into him at the man's ideals. "That is not what it means at all. I am taking my girlfriend and we are leaving"

Arthur moved to pull you up and into him, only to be stopped by the man grabbing your wrist and yanking you into him. "And how are you doing to that when I can easily bash the shit out of you" you shuddered hearing the way the creep was speaking to your boyfriend. Arthur looked the man in the eyes and said "Because I brought friends". You looked over Arthur's shoulder, noticing a dozen drivers all with their arms crossed and fire in their eyes.

The man followed your line of sight, his eyebrows raised as he backed off "fucking weirdos" he grumbled. You turned around and enveloped Arthur in a hug "holy shit that was scary, thank you so much" Arthur pecked your lips "You're welcome mon amour. You have to learn how to say no, though" he chuckled. You turned around and walked over to the still grumpy racers. "Thank you, boys, I had no idea how i was going to get out of that one" there was a range of responses consisting of "you're welcome" "anytime" and "of course" Ollie piped up saying "anything for our Y/N" which cause the other drivers to agree.

Arthur leaned down to whisper in your ear "They're wrong". You looked up at him confused, "You're my Y/N". His confession caused you to let out a laugh, "exactly baby, all yours. Let's go home now, yeah?' Arthur nodded, entwining your hands and leading you to his car.

[cy-cyborg]

Writing disability: The Super-Crip Trope, and how to avoid falling into it's harmful elements

The "Magical disabled person" or as it's often called in disability circles, the "Super-Crip" is the name of a trope in which a disabled character has some kind of magic or special abilities, which is used to mitigate or erase the impact of their disability. While not a mandatory part of the trope, many super-crip characters are also stronger than their peers, specifically because of their disability's impact on their powers. So why is this trope so unpopular among many disabled people? There's a few reasons. The main one is because more often than not, Super-crips who are written by non-disabled people are often treated as an easy way out of actually having to deal with a character's disability, and a shortcut out of having to do the research into how a disabled character would deal with certain situations. When these writers encounter something they think their disabled character can't do, instead of actually talking to people with the same disability as their character and doing research, they just write that its not a problem because "magic powers go!"

In some cases, but not all, their powers all but erase their disability completely, at least from the perspective of it's relevance to the story. While, to my knowledge, this was never in the comics or movies, A good example of this is a "fan-theory" I've seen among non-disabled X-men fans who claim professor X could use his telepathy to walk, functionally bypassing his spinal injury (Or his leg injury, if we're going off some of the comics' timelines). This would functionally erase his disability, making it an example of both the super-crip trope and the miracle-cure trope.

ID: An image of Professor X from X-men, a white bald man wearing a suit, sitting in a silver wheelchair, and another unknown man in a suit standing beside him, framed by a circular doorway, both their faces are partially obscured by shadow. /end ID]

Another reason this trope is disliked is because writer's often have good intentions when using this trope, but they actually end up undermining the points they were trying to make. Often, super-crips are portrayed as badasses in an attempt to show that "you can still be a hero/useful to the plot and be disabled", but the way they portray it usually implies that disabled people, as they exist in real life, aren't useful unless they have something that compensates for their disability or have impossible powers.

So should super-crips be avoided entirely? Some folks in the community think so, but personally, I don't agree. Despite all of what I've said so far, I think there are ways to write characters who technically fit the definition of a super-crip, without it being harmful. There's an argument to be made that "super-crip" specifically refers to harmful version of the trope, so not everyone will consider characters who aren't part of it, but I do, and I think it's important to discuss both the harm this trope can bring, and how this trope can be used in non-harmful ways. Humans (and creatures with human-level intelligence) are adaptable creatures, and in a world where magic exists and especially in worlds where its common, disabled people will find ways to use it to help themselves. but help is the key word there. So let's talk about some ways you can write super-crips, without it crossing the line into becoming harmful. The following are some things for you to consider about your character's disability, how their magic/powers interacts with it, how they interact with the world (and vice versa) and more:

Are your character's powers an aid or a cure?

The first, and one of the most important things to consider, is if your character's powers function like an aid or piece of assistive tech, or a cure? If you boil it down, is the magic helping them or "fixing" them? This can be a cure in the literal sense, as in giving an amputee the ability to shape-shift to get their limb back, or a functional cure, meaning the power essentially by-passes the disability, like the above mentioned professor-X fan-theory. It's not literally curing him, but it might as well be. In a world where this magic or super-powers exist, it's perfectly natural that a character might use the magic to lessen the impact of their disability, but it shouldn't erase it entirely. Give the magic a trade off, make it imperfect. You character can cummon a magic prosthetic, but there's a time limit on how long it lasts for, or their magic needs to recharge it. A wheelchair using mage might be able to engrave magic runes on their chair that allow them to pass over rough terrain, but only to a certain extent. It might allow them to go up-stairs, but it can only be used so many times per day (and make sure you show the times where they need to get up the stairs, but have run out of uses!) Things like that.

Is the power directly tied to their disability?

Is the power you're giving the character directly tied to their disability? There's 2 ways you could read this, and both should be considered. 1. The power is something you, as the author, gave to them specifically because it would help mitigate their disability (e.g. giving a character without arms telepathy so they can still pick things up/hold things because you couldn't figure out how they would be a badass swordsman without it) or 2. Does this character, in universe, have their power specifically because of their disability? e.g. Did our arm amputee develop telepathy through sheer-force of will because they really wanted to be a swordsman, and their determination manifested as telepathy/A god gave them the powers because they felt bad for them/a wizard taught them how to do it because they were inspired by the person's perseverance? If the answer to the first one was yes, perhaps reconsider and do more research. If the answer to the second one is yes, proceed with a lot of caution. Generally, if the powers originate from someone feeling sorry for your character, being inspired by them or anything to do with their determination and perseverance, I'd recommend changing that. However, if the powers came from your character having to adapt something to to their disability, that is really a case-by-case basis thing. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. your success with it will depend on the character, the setting and the specifics of how.

Is this power common, or is this character the only person in the cast/only person we see with this ability?

Is the power you're giving your disabled character rare, or even unique? It's fine to give your disabled characters powers that are common within the world, but if they're one of the only people who has that ability (or similar abilities), ESPECIALLY if it directly helps mitigate their disability, you might want to reconsider that choice. In a world where everyone can fly, it would be weird if your wheelchair user couldn't without an explanation. But if no one else in the story can fly except your wheelchair user, it starts looking more like you just gave them that power so you don't have to think about accessibility in your world. If you really must give your disabled character the rare/unique power, consider making another character with a similar disability but no/more common powers so you aren't just avoiding the issue, or making the power not related to/impact their disability directly (e.g. giving your leg amputee super-hearing.)

Does this power solve a wider access issue in your world, or does it just make it easier for your character alone?

As a general rule of thumb, if you are writing a story where you don't want accessibility issues to be a thing (e.g. a story set in a utopia), focus on fixing the environment, not the characters. Instead of giving your wheelchair user the ability to fly upstairs, give the buildings ramps and lifts. That way, its a solution for everyone with that disability, no matter their access to things like magic or technology. When talking about super-crips, this is especially important, doubly so if your character's power is rare! I made a (mostly joking) post ages ago about an idea for an earth-bender character in the Avatar universe, who gets fed up with republic city being inaccessible and starts earth-bending all the stairs into ramps. This solves the accessibility issue for them, but also makes their environment more accessible for others without bending to get around. Of course, not every disabled character will want to help/care to help others, but often when non-disabled people write disabled characters with powers, they kind of forget that their character won't be the only disabled person in this world. It often feels like they honestly think fixing things for their character means there's no problem anymore, and that's not the case.

Avoid, "I may have [insert disability here] but I can still do stuff because of my power!"

By this, I mean give your character other ways to address issues relating to their disability than just their powers. One funny example I remember reading in a writing group I was a part of was this author who was bragging about how their paralysed character could still drive a car because they had electrokinisis (the ability to telepathically control electronics). Aside from the fact that wouldn't work on all cars - including the one their character drove, since not all cars have electronic components controlling their acceleration and brakes, the way they described it was extremely complex, and overall not worth the effort when the real-life solution, hand controls, was much, much easier and the setting allowed for easy access to that kind of tech. When I pointed this out to them, they said they had no idea hand controls were a thing, and they had no idea that real disabled people could drive. They thankfully changed it, but there's 2 things to take from this: 1, double check that disabled people can do the things you assume they can't, your magic solution might very well not be needed, and 2. variety is important regardless. No one device, or in this case, magic power, should act as a one-size-fits-all solution. IRL disabled people have lots of tools to help us, I have 2 sets of prosthetics for different tasks, a wheelchair, a grabby claw (for reaching things on high shelves when using my short legs and wheelchair) and hand controls in my car (or at least I used to but we won't get into that lol). My prosthetics won't "fix" all my problems, I need other tools too. keep this in mind when it comes to magic too - it shouldn't be the only thing at your character's disposal.

There's nothing to compensate for.

Remember, don't treat your character's disability as something they need to make up for (especially if they "make up for it" using their powers). Your disabled character is allowed to make mistakes, they're allowed to have flaws both related and unrelated to their disability, they're allowed to not be good at some things, and they don't always have to be the best at whatever their roll in the plot is. In most stories, they should be on par with the other characters, or at least in the same ball-park, but as I mentioned before, a lot of stories don't let disabled characters fail. In order to justify them even being present, they are often made out to be the undeniable best, almost to mary-sue levels of perfection and super-crips especially fall into this issue a lot. They can be good at things, but balance it out, like with any other character.

You don't have to use all of these points, but they are still worth at least considering. For example, Toph fails all of these points except the first three. Despite that, she's still one of my favorite disabled characters in media, even if she's not perfect, and I'm not alone in thinking that. I've seen lots of other disabled people say the same about her. Which of these points you should use will depend on your story, character, setting and tone. As I've mentioned a few times now, the key is striking a balance. At the end of the day though, these are only general pieces of advice and a lot more factors go into making a character like this work. only disabled people will be able to tell you if you've pulled it off, and that's where beta-readers and disabled sensitivity readers come in!

Also, remember, these kinds of tropes don't just apply to the more common/well-known disabilities like amputations and wheelchair users, that's just what I have experience with! Be sure to research any disabilities your character has to ensure you are not falling into these tropes.

[wisteriaphobia]

Alright time to come out, not out of the closet, but I am Nat (Or Lilnatx) . I wanted to come here and share my story or fairy tales if you don't like me. I was a part of “clique 1”

Not to use my age like a pokemon card but I am 15, and I don't care what you have to say to me personally but I'm sick and tired of my name being dragged through the mud and being used as a scapegoat. But I have lots of pent up anger that I didn't have the privilege of saying.

April 3rd was the day I was banned from nevermore, with no proof. Like at all, I'm still bamboozled and scratching my head like a monkey on what was actually on me and my friends. We were accused of “shit talking” and I have yet to see the shit that we have allegedly talked about.

And honestly? Even if I did shit talk people, why… in a conversation about a predator … does that matter? I'm exhausted with how Red always fights with teenagers (like me) and other friends of mine. It's so despicable that the minions might just leave Gru for her instead. I was in gym class when I got banned and honestly? I would rather get banned 10 more times than do another plank for 2 minutes while seeing my P.E teacher's bald head.

My crimes that I did publicly (in the screenshot that red posted) is me being.. not fucking involved? Right before I got banned I was staying away from people that I previously did not enjoy and in fact I tried my best to not interact with them directly. At one point I had many members blocked on my discord because I was tired of being the villain.

Yet here I am in the year of our lord July of 2024 and people are still referring to my friends as “nats clique” like I said earlier im 15, quince. I have little power over my friends' actions , especially if they're an adult. I can barely get Laci to join me on Minecraft let alone make her collaborate on some high tech scheme, what is this shit? Oceans 11?

I find it petty that red refers to my friends as a “clique” we're a friend group, and the definition of a clique requires a group that's hard to get into. The server (until now) was open, you could pull up to Jinx's profile like a McDonald's drive through and get an invite. Our friend group was constantly expanding and if you personally felt like you were scared to talk to us, I'm sorry that you never experienced the poop closet jokes.

Red being paranoid about what a bunch of teenagers were maybe saying behind her back to deflect about crimson is quite irresponsible I do say so myself. So please Red! With a cherry on top! Show me what I did to you. What sin have I committed on your ego that should banish me to hell. Because I sure as hell don't know what I've done, (and you can quote this) you probably don't know what I've done either, because you made it all up.

Unfortunately I have no screenshots to give, because my phone storage is ass. But you can hit up any of the members of my clique for proof regarding my innocence. I promise I'm not an evil bitch who wants to ban you (not evil not evil no I'm the least evil person I know)

I'm sorry if this response upsets you, but if a 15 year old girl who ships who chicks bothers you so much. Imagine how I feel, imagine now so many people who once looked up to you feel. Everyone in your post looked up to you once as a role model, and have had panic attacks and stress because (allegedly) you harmed them with your cruel words. You can think it's your fault or not that's not my problem.. but for someone who wants evidence and proof 24/7 you sure like to not give out proof of anyone else.

P.S if you were anyone who gave red evidence of my wrong doings, can I see them? Cause I don't know what I have done.

P.P.S I'm not a man, and I write fanfiction of lesbian vampires.

P.P.P.S this is so not sigma that I gotta make this response

[the-magpie-archives]

For around six months now I've been living next to an actual real life archive, and it's unnervingly similar to TMA! Here's a few notable things from these past months:

-i watched a balding man in a very posh suit carry a massive antique briefcase out of the building and put it into his car at 4am

-at 12:30am i made direct eye contact with someone working at a computer on a floor I'd never seen anyone go before. (there's a section of car park and pavement between my building and the archive so this was pretty impressive! )

-The smoking area is always full at weirdly specific hours of day and night (presumably breaks), and completely empty the rest of the time. Clearly archiving really does encourage a smoking habit!

-one of the floors has really bright LED lights which were left on day and night for a week, then off for four days, and now are on with every single blind closed.

-for the first few months I only ever saw three people go in or out of the building- a generic looking security guard who yells at people that park in front of the entrance; and a dishevelled looking man, pursued by another man from the smoking area.

-from my window I can see directly into a room that's filled with mannequins! I couldn't tell what they were at first due to the sheer amount, but they range from cpr dummies to full body mannequins.

-despite being able to see many desks I've only consistently seen two people working at them.

-the fire alarm once went off for hours and nobody evacuated.

-recently at 3am I watched a security guard from the building come out to feed bagels to the fox in the car park (not really that relevant but I thought it was quite nice)

-two of the windows have humanlike figures in them at all times, but they're impossible to focus on so I have no idea what they are.

[theadderalltoyourstiles]

So, this post has been sitting in my drafts since Austria when the new wave of Lestappen Gate 2024 really started and been in my head since the Lewis to Ferrari news was announced. But I have never really posted anything that could potentially anger some people so I was kind of hesitant. However, I saw this post today and I'm finally DONE. I gotta get this out of head now bcz fuck that bald man .

I remember when the Lewis to Ferrari news was first disclosed. Almost all Charles' fans were happy and positive about it. It was all about Fred's good decisions, how the reforms have already started, this and that.

Not me tho . Nuh-uh.

When I say I was not giddy about the Lewis to Ferrari news , it wasn't bcz I don't like Lewis or think that he'll hog all the power and corner Charles into being treated as a second driver. NO. He simply doesn't seem like someone who'd do that. For a fact , I actually do love Lewis. Never found anything in him that wasn't likeable. Anyway, it was never Lewis . It was and is Ferrari . Since I'm a fairly new fan, I never really understood what the hype was all about. But now that I've seen what Ferrari is at the present, I don't have an ounce of trust in that disgrace of a team. I've always been sceptical about everything they do.

Now about the Lewis to Ferrari stuff. Lewis to Ferrari gives Ferrari another chance to fuck up Charles more. Ferrari made all of us and Charles himself believe that Charles will be the priority this year , Fred is this and that and what not . But how long did that last ? Where's the consistency at ? How are we still trusting a team that's all talk and no action?

My point is , Ferrari have always been taking Charles for granted. Even if they say they aren't, they abso-fucking-lutely are and the data is there to prove it. How many times have they sacrificed Charles and how many times have they sacrificed Sainz , a driver who's leaving Ferrari in a few months for fuck's sake? The things they've done for Sainz by sacrificing Charles, do we really think they won't be sacrificing Charles for 7time WDC Lewis Hamilton? Do we really? After everything we have witnessed? Lewis is not the threat here. The threat is Ferrari . And no, it's also not me doubting Charles' skills or his ability to compete with Lewis. I'm a Max fan too. Trust me when I say I know what Charles is . The point is , a driver who's leaving in a few months has been getting more support from the team and you are telling me things will suddenly change and be in Charles' favour if Charles stays and Lewis Hamilton comes next year ? Yeah, I don't think so .

Hate me all you want but that's what I think about this team . How do people trust in this team after they have one good race and fuck up the next four ? I feel terrible for Charles and if Red Bull is what can give him a go at becoming a WDC then so be it.

I too would love to see Charles win a WDC in red , but with how things are going, I'd rather see him win in blue than not at all.

[magpie-come-east]

I'm gonna be annoying and ask about Aster too. So much about him seems left unsaid and I want to put him in a petri dish

favorite thing about them

It tickles me so much that people really like him. People tell me they like Cyrielle, but it hits so much harder in a good way when people say they love Aster. It's hard to get people invested in OCs- particularly OCs that aren’t there as vehicles to smooch the blorbo- so it makes me feel like I did a good job writing him!

He's kinda the most delightfully quirky character I've ever written. His seething yet outwardly jovial rage is so fun. He's toxic and he knows it.

least favorite thing about them

Much like Cyrielle, I wish I had cared more about his backstory as I was writing him. I wish I had fleshed him out more to make his sudden turn from Ranni's chosen Lord of Lord of Frenzied Flame more organic and clearer.

In fact, since he wasn't the POV character in Gilded Apotheosis- and was pretty much actively getting amnesia in HSPS- I also didn't get much oppertunity to showcase Aster, Ranni, and Blaidd's relationship. Apart from a few vital scenes.

favorite line

This one is hard again! Because I think he shines best in banter and dialogue. He doesn't have a ton of stand-alone banger lines.

This may be cheating. It's not dialogue but it is a thought in his POV:

'Nice girls. He hoped he never saw them again.'

Like it's so encapsulating of who he is at the end of HSPS. He's healing. He's lonely. He's still kind of a dick. But lovable for it.

'The mimic’s hands rose, but did not grasp Aster’s staff or sword. Not even the seal that he kept clipped to his belt. Instead, both hands began to flash a series of gestures ranging from rude to obscene. Brief periods of silent laughter sandwiched between each.'

I just love him

“You know that the Grace-Given Lord is Margit, right?”

Finally an actual quote. This one's just iconic. Please tell that 9 INT woman the truth about her Lord, sir. Just casually drop that in her lap.

brOTP

Aster x Cyrielle. This one I expanded on in the Cyrielle answer to this meme.

Ranni x Aster

Yeah, they're technically married, but they never romantically loved one another. Nonetheless, Ranni's deeply loving nature really stands out in their relationship. Again, it's sad I couldn't show more of Ranni and Aster's relationship. But one of the factors that led to Aster taking on the FF was him learning that Ranni was going to go to the stars without him. In her mind, this was a mercy. To him, it felt like abandonment of the one person that cared for him just as he was. Eccentric warts and all.

OTP

Varre x Aster

I loved that toxic middle-aged yaoi. Reading that third chapter of HSPS still hits so good. If only Aster's brain wasn't literally being melted and if only Varre hadn't been seduced away by Mohg's magnificent breasts! Sad!

nOTP

Aster x Cyrielle - same as before. But really I don't have an intense nOTP otherwise.

random headcanon

If I could go back and add to his backstory, I would expound on his origins. When Godfrey's Tarnished spread out in the lands beyond the Lands Between, Aster's homeland was conquered- or at least menaced- by the marauding, displaced bands. Aster was born of a Lands Between exile and a woman indigenous to the land. But it was not a union made of love. Aster's mother was more or less taken in the conquest. I think this would better explain his general resentment of the Lands Between and the Greater Will- as well as his upset of himself being revived as a Tarnished, too.

unpopular opinion

He's an OC. I don't think there is an unpopular opinion!

song i associate with them

Kingslayer by Bring Me The Horizon!! (Love this one)

The Man Who Sold the World - Midge Ure

Camel by Camel (flashing lights) (youtube.com) <- This thing

favorite picture of them

Rennala's cutscene never disappoints. I love my miserable balding king.

[mr2swap]

SwapCrop: emergency vacation.

-Heeeey son!, how about the Bahamas cruise? I hope you took some photos to show off to the boys in the asylum-

I hadn't seen my father for more than a week but he was as excited as the first day we exchanged, I left my suitcase in a corner of my own full house in my father's dirty old clothes, and approached the huge bodybuilder body that my father was now in, that was my body.

He wrapped his huge and long arms around me and gave me a big hug which made me remember how fragile I was now, or was it just my father was just showing off a little in the last few days in my young body?

At first, it was strange getting used to being a bald 0-year-old man instead of a young bodybuilder who spent his entire teenage years in the gym instead of partying with friends, but when you get used to it the back pain in the morning isn't so bad. bad, actually I would like to take more than 3 vacations a year, I still remember how stressed I was the first time my father suggested that I take this type of vacation that he offered to the company Swap Corp, I ended up drunk for a week going to Las Vegas in my grandfather's old body, From you, like I never did and tried everything from the buffet, he even gave me a walk on the striptease alone To make sure my grandfather's dick was still alive.

Before we separated completely I took one of his massive arms and began to examine him, he was as hard and swollen as a week ago, maybe a little more. My father loves these little vacations that I take every time I need to get out of town for a bit. my routine of 3 hours of weight lifting in the gym and the strict diet of meat and yams.

As I examined his arm, my father's face did not stop smiling with superiority at any time, every time we exchange our bodies to take a little break from our lives I have to listen the following week to all the comments from my brothers in the gym saying that I became the most arrogant bitch in the entire gym, AND that when he's not flexing my muscles in front of a mirror he was trying to get a different guy into the showers to help me lather up my back…Or that's what my father says.

Without my asking, he took off his shirt revealing his hard abs and huge pecs that he made dance as soon as he gave me a show. We both fell silent as I stroked his six pack with my calloused old fingers. My grandfather seemed very excited to tell me everything he did this week but it probably wasn't much more than being the world's most arrogant man and poking youngsters. to my department.

as we spent our last day with each other's bodies i couldn't get the thought out of my head that this was my last day of vacation and that tomorrow i will wake up again at 6am to go jogging in the dark and the cold of the park next to my apartment. maybe it's time to talk to grandpa and plan that year-long cross-country vacation in an old RV I've been fantasizing about.

Hey folks! if you like bodyswap stories take a look at my patreon, I have a lot of more stories, and you can help me keep creating more stories!

[snail-eggs]

Can we please hear more of your beautiful thoughts on Craig Boone?

my god, anon, do you know how long I've been contemplating this ask? I have so many thoughts and none of them are simple enough for me to put into words sdhfdf.

Boone is one of many canon characters I often rotate in my head, both because of the fact that I am currently writing a fic with him and just because he's a fascinating guy. He's got this country boy stoicism to him (thank you Rags for using that phrase to describe him. I will never forget it) that I think people don't really use to their advantage?

It's really easy to ignore the depths of his character when you don't know the type and don't see it walking around every day: stoic, quiet men who would rather gut themselves in front of their mother than talk about their feelings. There is such an inherent softness in that fear of vulnerability. Like they want to make themselves an impermeable wall to protect themselves and I think that much is true for Boone, especially after Carla. In my mind, that softness had a lot more space to shine while she was alive. I feel like it's obvious (at least to me) that Boone became hardened by her death, by having caused it---this isn't anything new. If anything, it's so easy to read that it is in the text of the game itself. But Boone, as I write him, is sort of subconsciously fighting the desire to want to be soft again, even if just a little. It's why he has these moments of tenderness with my courier; Craig Boone, not the man we know that has been hardened by his actions but Boone, the man that is still in there, craving love and tenderness like any other human being is begging to be set free.

But then, of course, there's this conscious effort to suppress that. He doesn't want to want that, doesn't think he deserves any of it---at least not anymore. Whether he does or doesn't actually deserve it is irrelevant in this all because he isn't operating on fact or the absolution that Six gives him time and time again. He's already resigned himself regardless of it all.

And that grief, that resignation, sends me on kind of a spiral. Like, how would it have changed his behaviors, mannerisms, the subtle things, you know?

This is pure headcanon that I'm pulling out of my ass here, but I think, Carla's death especially, made him more militant. Made him want to cling to routine and fill his day so that he never had time to think about her for even a second. Never had the space for the image of her in his sights to pop in and break him all over again. I imagine that he hyperfocused on the little things: on the cleanliness and machinations of his rifle, the exact time, down to the minute, at which he ate every day, every person he recognized coming through Novac and which direction they went off in when they left. He wouldn't let his hair grow. Would take a razor to it every other morning, sometimes dry because he felt that he deserved the burn of it. Everything oscillates between discipline and punishment with him and nothing else.

Realistically, I could go on for hours about him but I also don't know quite what to say without like a specific question. I guess this was my long-winded way of justifying his baldness and subsequent un-baldness in my fic but whatever. Thank you so much, anon, this was fun!

[virtue-and-beneviolence]

This made me think how much hanma and draken have this funny enemies thing going on so imagine ur pissed at shuji or just sick of him not making a move yet? Y’all act like a couple but this mfer never made it official? Like why is his hand always in the back pocket of ur jeans? Why does this mfer offer u the last bite of his donut? No tell me why tf does he hold ur hand in a crowded place?🤨And when u lowkey joke about oh are u in love with me? And he laughs saying “don’t be silly doll” doll? (I’ll end him I swear) so u flirt with draken and yknow how he hates his guts that’s why u do so to piss him off and I think pissed shuji very sexy tbh wow 🤲🏽👍🏽and the thought of losing u to another man? And that man is bald with a braid? Aw hell naH Shawty he confessing so fast🤭😳

No because making draken the sacrificial goat is killing me lmao. Dw we won't do draken dirty here I've got a work-around.

also massive apologies to you vivi i'm sorry you knew abt this for an inordinate amount of time

Official.

it takes idiots (reader and shuji) many months, jealousy and miscommunication, and some prettiness to finally make it official.

cw: fem!reader, reader loses her temper and shuji is super needy so its a lil more subby!shuji smut, cream pie, unprotected sex (don't recommend, be safe out there), ye idk im gonna go pretend this isn't posted now, peace ✌️ ~2.2k

God but hear me out it starts at a toman party. Shuji and you are acting the way you always do. You're literally in his lap lounging in the corner of the couch. He's playing with the hem of your skirt, flipping the end between his fingers and rubbing the skin of your thigh. You're talking to Yuzuha who's occupying the chaise lounge. You haven't seen her in a while, she's been abroad with hakkai on so many modelling gigs lately. And she totally misreads the situation. She's like, so how is it, finally being together?

At first it's silly, though you have a tinge of want at the end of your words when you joke back with, "Well we've actually been married for three years, we just never found the right time to tell you all."

Yuzuha clocks it as a joke, but not as a sore spot for you. Or maybe she's so shocked and that's why she won't let it go that easily. "Hanma what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Undiagnosed ADHD and probabl-"

You give your friend a we're-going-to-talk-about-this-later look as a baffled Yuzuha cuts him off. "Wha- Hanma god damn it I meant-no- you know what I meant."

He offers a half shrug, "What? M'young."

That's when you excuse yourself blankly to get another drink. The insinuation that Shuji was still playing the field left you a bit numb. He wasn't. You knew that he wasn't because you were with him 90% of his waking hours. Hell you'd platonically (as platonically as you and Shuji ever really were) slept in his bed last night and woke up next to him. The bastard slept with his arms around you and snored in your ear half the night and he has the balls to joke like that? His words stung like a betrayal of the highest degree.

In the kitchen you found Draken looking for a pong partner. Perfect, you decide, a distraction with alcohol built in.

He tells you casually between turns he's fresh off (another) a break up with his on again off again girlfriend and you feel a dark part of you light up and a wicked idea is born.

You throw the pong game. To the point where Draken has to give you pointers. Has to get real close and talk lowly in your ear about how we need you to aim for the left one this time okay? His honeyed baritone sends shivers down your spine and you wonder for a second how much better this scenario would be if it were Shuji in your ear. Shuji's hands on your hip, his thumb dipping below the waist band of your skirt.

You huff a little. Nah fuck him. it's time to put your plan into action. You throw with your usual accuracy. You get the point. Out of the corner of your eye you see a certain skunk striped boy half-fixated on your game.

Showtime, you brain screams.

Excitedly you hop in Draken's grasp, throwing your arms around his neck and revel in his pleased laughter. "You're up again," he says as he puts you down and steps back. You stop him by the wrist, tug him back a little.

"Wait can you help me line it up again?" You bat your lashes a bit, playing at being drunker than you both know you are.

"Sure thing." You feel his warmth and relish in it, stalling and pressing into him. It's a miss, but the tiny peck under your ear he plants feels like a win.

The ball splashes in a cup on your side and you opponent, Kazutora smirks. Draken offers to drink it but you refuse. It's cheap beer. It's rough going down. Draken puts his hand between your shoulders and says that for such a pretty little thing you sure can hold your alcohol. The praise, more than the alcohol, warms your cheeks.

It's the last shot and you make it. You excitedly turn around in Draken's grasp and catch his lips in yours. You never intended for it to be a just celebratory peck, but you pull away, blushing a bit and stuttering apologies to make it appear so. Draken drawls out some praise for his pretty girl that won the game and draws you back in by the small of your neck and pulling the plush of your lower lip between his teeth.

You hear Kazutora cat whistle and know, you just know, it's meant to alert his buddy Shuji. Mentally you apologize to Emma but after she's regaled you and the girls with all the filthy details of the nasty make up sex she and Draken have, somehow you think she won't mind this little show, given that's all it was.

You hope she'll also forgive the two heavy punches Shuji lands on her Kennyboy before Kazutora pulls your next friend back and you can get back between the two again. People are staring, hoping for a fight. Some even boo when Emma whisks Draken away by the collar of his shirt and you try to push Shuji away.

"Fuck him," he spits and looks at you, "you too you little shit," he accuses and pulls you away by the wrist.

--

God, you're a certified sucker for that crazy look in his eyes. It's the first thing you think when Shuji slams the door of a spare bedroom in Pah Chin's house. You can't help it. There's nothing like Hanma Shuji slipping into his aggressive chaos mode on this earth. His irises glow with his emotion. And, wow was it easy to forget that he had you pressed against the door of this room with all his energy and attention fixed on you.

His fingers were knotted in your hair and you vaguely noted his growl asking you what the FUCK you thought you were doing.

"And who are you to ask that? I'm not yours. We're not together Shuji. Never have been. You're young, still right?" You shoot back

"Tch, that's what this is about?"

Maybe he had you caged against the door but liquid courage had you fighting back. You shove his chest. "Yeah. Yeah that's what this is about. What the fuck right do you have to treat me like I'm yours? You drive me everywhere. You hold my hand. You share your bed. You kiss my forehead. You make me breakfast. You know my secrets. You call me yours. But you can't make it official? What the fuck is up with that?"

With every sentence you've pushed Shuji back till he was perched on the corner of the bed.

"How the fuck is that fair, huh? You want me to be yours Shuji? Then tell me you're fucking mine." It's not a request. It's a demand. An ultimatum. A last chance to be honest with you.

He's looking up at you still as a statue, emotion so unreadable it unnerves you. You know how he wears almost any emotion. He rarely surprises you, and yet...

"I'm yours."

Shuji says it quietly at first like there's a lag between his awareness and speech. You're shocked he's caved so quickly and you stutter out an "Excuse me?"

"I'm yours." He repeats, more confidently. "God I'm so fucking yours." He's dragged you by the hips to straddle his lap and his lips are on yours and you swear you can taste the adrenaline on his tongue.

It's every bit as addicting as you guessed to properly make out with Shuji. You don't know how long you've been sat on him attached in this kiss but when you tug him by the hair to catch your breath and hear him groan at the tension you think you've died and gone to heaven. He's mumbling little "all fuckin yours, baby" up and down your neck and you feel his voice reverberating in your throat.

You grind down on the swell of his hardening dick and smirk a bit, lips ghosting his, "all?"

"All."

He's shimmying out of his pants, when you slide off his lap to kneel on the floor. You're met with a sizeable bulge hidden under tight black fabric and you damn near moan just at the sight of his freed dick springing up to tap his abs when you pull the last offending piece of fabric away. "Shuji you're so fucking beautiful." You say as you brush your fingers over his length carefully. His mouth opens in an amused playful smirk but you're on him immediately, stealing his words by licking a stripe from base to the tip that you pop right in your mouth. His jaw hesitates and then goes slack as you look up at him and take as much of him as possible.

You don't know what you expected but he is not quiet. He's mumbling praise and expletives and he exhales the hottest, breathiest moan you've ever had the pleasure to hear, let alone cause, when his tip hits the back of your throat and you swallow around it. You smile around him and want to giggle but you settle on humming around him. You force his fingers in your hair into a fist telling him to set his pace but he pulls you off instead. He's panting a bit and you feel a pang of pride in your chest.

"Need to fuck you. Need your pussy." He's already clamoring to help you up and discard your skirt. You do him the honor of not remembering his words as needy and stuttered as they were just this one time.

You climb over him to straddle his hips and stroke his cock once, twice, before running the tip along your slit. Rather than taking the tip you pivot your hips and pin his dick to his abs and run your soaking lips along his length. The sensation of his hot head nudging your clit brings you to your elbows, moaning in his ears.

Big hands grip your ass and grind you even harder into his dick. And between the warm stimulation and the nails digging into your skin you're already on the fucking edge, but you'll be damned if the first time you fuck Shuji you don't cum around his cock.

Finally after your relentless teasing you lined up his dick and hovered over him bobbing just enough to tease his tip with the velvety walls of your pussy. Shuji can barely whine a "fuck, doll stop teasing me cant take it," before you've sunk down and taken his cock whole and he's groaning and squeezing your ass, pulling you onto himself with bruising strength. You're suddenly laying on him again, collapsed down to your elbows with the power of your orgasm, while your fluttering walls only spur him on.

The weight of years of fantasies of this moment hit him at once and before you can process it, he's bear hugging you and rolling over to take the lead. Fuck, how could he not? After pining after you for so long, imagining getting to finally fuck you and promising himself that he'd make sure you wanted no one else when he was done with you.

It's endearing, you think, how he mutters as much to you over and over as he makes your pussy his as he fucks you through your high and beyond. You giggle and moan and gasp and think this is exactly how you pictured sex with Shuji to be needy, whiny, unexpected, a little rough.

You can read him so well that when his breath hitches just right, you wrap you legs around his waist, ignoring the stuttered warning of his own impending orgasm. Instead you gripped his hair, pulled his face to yours and breathed, "Gonna make me all fucking yours?" over his lips.

Immediately he pulled away from your kiss, unable to coordinate as he lost his composure and filled you, half locked in place by your legs. Muttered curses and filthy nonsense about how you feel around his is all he can get out until he's spent, finally latching his mouth on your shoulder to give an affectionate bite, not unlike bites you'd exchanged as friends a few hours before. You let him lay on you a minute or so to recover before he pulls back and sits up on his knees to look down at you, at his handiwork.

"Holy shit."

"Yeah," you agreed.

"Why haven't we done that before?"

"Hm...something about you being young?" You tease as he eases out of you.

"Yeah yeah, I get it. We already fucked that issue away," he jokes back and combs his fingers through some minor tangles in your hair, "S'not like I meant it anyway, y'know."

You catch his hand and tug it, wanting to be closer, "You're free to prove that to me any time."

In true Shuji form, he gasps in that goofy performatively dumb way he likes to as he brings his face close to yours for a kiss, "You mean I can do this again?"

[welldonebeca]

The Finger Situation

Summary: Jon catches Sansa masturbating and gives her a hand. Pairing: Jonsa Warnings: Porn watch. Masturbation. Dirty talk. Smut. 

If you like my work, consider buying me a coffee or subscribing to my Patreon. It’s just $2 a month and helps a lot while I go through these hard times.

Keeping Up With the Targaryens - Masterlist 

Sansa pulled the curtains of the little guest room she'd been stored in.

Robb was out with his girlfriend, Jon was off with Theon and she finally - finally - had their house to herself.

After the Joffrey mess and the stress of trying to get into UNI, she deserved this break.

Their home was always so busy, she never had a single moment to herself! Everyone was always all around, the walls were paper thin, and maybe father was the only one in her family who actively respected a closed door.

Coming to stay with them for a few weeks was bliss.

It wasn't all easy - she still had to deal with Jon, which was pretty much like having Arya - but being with the boys meant she had a little bit of freedom.

Still, Robb wasn't living alone, but with his best friends, Jon and Theon. A pair of pricks who were always all around her house growing up.

Theon was pretty crude, although he tried to be respectable when her parents were around and teased Sansa a bit less when she threatened to tattle on him. But Jon was different.

He was Robb’s best friend since, like… forever,

He was too hot for his own good, and an emo prick.

Well... not emo.

But he always wore black and always looked like he was sulking on some bad feeling no one could see, all pouty.

It was way worse when they were younger. Jon was always a loner - especially in contrast with Sansa, who was prom queen twice! - but he had grown out of his awkwardness, and was...

Nice.

Charming.

And he knew it, he fucking had to know.

Jon would walk around without his shirt, have his hair all pretty around his face and pout when she was looking at him, all fucking stupid!

So maybe she had an itsy bitsy tiny little small crush on him.

And what was the big deal?

As long as he didn't know it was alright.

All Sansa had to do was get it out of her system!

And now she finally had time and the house for herself.

Back home, getting off really was always the same thing. A little clit rubbing, a few open bookmarks, a pillow on her mouth to muffle any sound, and that was it.

But she wasn't home. And she was all alone.

Sansa sat on her bed all naked and pulled up a video on how to actually do it right.

Get herself off, of course.

It wasn't like she could have a toy for herself or anything, it was just herself. And now was the best moment to do it, because when else would she have the chance?

The video was simple enough. A woman with her legs all spread, her bald pussy in full view, but instead of her own hand, it was another. Bigger. Veinier.

A man's hand.

Well... she could still follow along.

So, she placed the phone on the desk by the side of her bed, and then lied down, turning her head to the side to watch it.

"First, you spread her," the man hummed, voice deep and slow with a very distant accent to it. "You see how my sweet girl is all wet? Glistening?"

Sansa nodded. Yes, she was very wet.

"She gets like this when I kiss her silly," he purred, sounding proud. "And I've made it very special today because she wanted to be part of this little tutorial so badly."

The woman giggled.

"Now, you must know," he continued. "You have to be sweet with your girl. Kiss her and play with her... I pinch and play with her nipples to make her like this... of course, you can always do this..."

He moved his fingers to her cunt, spreading her folds, touching her around her clit and then on it, rubbing it slowly, and Sansa followed obediently.

"This will always, always make her all wet," he affirmed. "Every girl... well, everyone with a clit, but let's focus our language here. Every girl has a sensitive clit, but you have to touch it the way they like it. Some feel a little more sensitive on a special side, some can't have direct stimulation... my sweet girl here can't cum if I play with the left side because it's not sensitive enough. It's the perfect edging partner."

To prove it, he moved his finger to circle just the said side of her clit, and the girl squirmed.

"See how she drools?" he hummed. "You want her very, very wet, very sloppy."

Sansa squirmed.

Sloppy. Stupid word.

Stupid word that made her all stupid wet.

"Once she is like this, and only once she is like this, you can put your finger in," he instructed. "Slowly, very gently. Let her relax and accept it."

Sansa moved around to get her finger in, and huffed at the stretch.

Oh, no one told her that fingering herself was an ab workout!

Maybe that was why the girl wasn't touching herself on camera. She would have to be very bendy to look sexy while doing it.

Still, Sansa tried her best, and if felt better than she thought it would.

It did. It really did.

Her finger was touching some place she really hadn't touched before - even when she had actually tried a while ago.

It was new, it was good, and it was hard to do.

"Now pull slowly," the man commanded. "And push... fuck her slowly, give her time."

She complied and whined in pleasure at the same time the woman let out a very little sound.

"You'll know she is enjoying it when you feel her cunt fluttering your finger... my pretty girl here will moan sweetly, but some girls are shy. You really need to coax the moans out of their lips."

Sansa wasn't shy. Well, she was, but she was home alone, and it felt so stupidly good, she wasn't even caring about being quiet.

"Don't give her more than she can fit," he instructed. "Especially if she hasn't taken any cock before."

Sansa squirmed.

"Sweet little virgins need time," he cooed.

Suddenly, her door opened.

"Sansa, are you-"

"Oh my God!" she screamed, reaching for the sheets.

Jon stopped, frozen by the door.

"Get out!" she screamed, trying to cover herself up.

He didn't fucking move.

She was going to die. That was it.

Sansa was going to die by embarrassment.

The woman moaned randomly from her phone, and she felt her whole face and neck just burning deeply.

"Curl your fingers," the man instructed. "Just like that, good girl."

She pulled the sheets up, covering her face with the thick covers.

"Sansa," he spoke slowly.

The sounds of the video stopped.

"What are you doing?" he asked, almost accusatory.

“None of your business!” she screeched.

This was just like one of their arguments back home. So childish!

"Sansa..." he stepped closer.

She covered her head, not wanting to be seen.

"Can you just leave?" she begged. "And put my phone now. Please."

She wasn't in the mood nor had the patience to fight with him now.

"What are you watching?" he asked.

Sansa didn't answer, and she could see him sitting on her bed.

"How to finger a pussy," he read the title. "By... dragonrider?"

She whined, closing her eyes.

"Jon, please," she begged. "Just let that go."

Great, now he was going to rub that on her face.

He moved, but instead of leaving her, he closed her door and walked back to her bed, sitting down.

"Don't you know how to finger yourself?" he asked, voice too casual for the question he was asking her.

She covered her face with a hand.

"Jon..."

"I'm just asking," he shrugged. "You're 18 now."

"I've never done that before!" she huffed. "I'm not like Theon."

He didn't move.

"So you're a virgin?"

"No," she stomped her foot. "I dated, remember? Harry? I started dating before you even had a girlfriend!"

Jon scoffed sounding.

"So you had a boyfriend, and he never fingered you?" he asked. "He must not have been good enough, then. I fingered Ygritte good before I even knew what I was doing."

She rolled her eyes.

"I make her cum," he told her. "I did all the time. Did your sweet Harry do that for you?"

Sansa just pouted, uncovering her head to glare at him.

"Haha," she rolled her eyes. "Is that all you meant to do? Rub it on my face how you could make your girlfriend cum and how I have to get myself off if I want it?"

He shrugged, and she crossed her arms.

"We didn't... do that," she huffed. "Just so you know."

Jon looked at her, unaffected by her state.

"So you are still a virgin?" he asked.

She looked away from him, burning red, and just wanted to yell at him, but Jon shrugged, very comfortable on her bed.

"I'm not making fun of you," he assured her. "But you shouldn't learn how to pleasure yourself with porn. That's doomed to fail."

Sansa rolled her eyes.

"I know how to pleasure myself!" she argued. "I just... I didn't know how to finger myself. It's different."

Jon looked back at her and sighed.

Shamelessly, he tapped on the bed with his hand.

"Come here," he instructed her. "You're not gonna learn from a video."

Sansa eyed him suspiciously, but walked to the bed anyway, holding her sheets close to her body before sitting down by his side.

"Well, what do you suggest?" she pouted. "That I read an article?"

He straight up chuckled, and then looked at her, licking his lips, and his eyes were tainted with something more.

"You need a teacher to help you. Show you," he said simply, leaning closer to her. "I could be your teacher."

Her whole face burned, and her eyes widened in shock.

"Jon..."

He leaned closer to her.

"Tell me to stop," he whispered.

But she shook her head.

"Please," Sansa exhaled. "Don't."

He kissed her, and she was eager to take it and kiss him back, and just let him when he moved his hand to her blanket and pulled it off before pulling her closer by her waist.

She understood now, what it meant, to be kissed silly and made wet and needy.

Harry and Joffrey had never kissed her like that.

Slowly, as if not to startle her, Jon moved her, laying her on the back and climbing up and up until her head was on her pillow, and his hand moved slowly to between her legs, caressing her knee and her thigh.

She gasped when he pushed a single finger into her easily. His finger was too thick, almost like two of hers, but he was so delicate it didn't even hurt.

"So warm, Sansa," he whispered, biting her lower lip. "You got yourself all wet, didn't you?"

She nodded, whining a little.

"Poor girl," he cooed. "Never had a boyfriend nice enough to show you how good-"

He curled his finger and she gasped when she felt him brushing against a sensitive pot in her.

"-it can be to have a finger in her cunt."

"Was too scared," she whimpered.

Jon sighed, shaking his head.

"Poor, poor girl," he hummed, kissing her neck.

He moved down slowly, and she gasped when she felt him kissing her chest, licking her nipple before sucking it into his lips, pulling his finger out and pushing it back into her.

"Look at you," he cooed, letting it go. "Those tiny little tits..."

Sansa whined, though arching her chest to him.

Her tits weren't tiny!

They were just a little small.

"Do you think I could suck fit one whole into my mouth?" he looked at her. "Think your little tit can fit all into my lips while I finger your virgin cunt?"

His words, dear Lord...

Suddenly, Jon moved to his statement, spreading his lips, and she gasped when his teeth grazed against the top and bottom of her breast, and she moaned when he sucked it all into his lips.

Sansa arched her hips, and moaned loudly when he slipped a second finger into her.

"Jon," she grabbed his hair, not knowing what to even do with her hands.

His hair was so nice, soft and curly and pretty.

"Sweet little Sansa," he moved back, kissing her skin slowly to her other breast. "Squeezing me sweetly on your cunt."

She arched her hips to him, needy.

"Jon," she moaned.

"Feels good, sweet Sansa?" he licked the underside of her breast. "To have my fingers in your cunt?"

She nodded, ad tried to get closer to his hand when he pulled away slowly, fucking her with his palm far, far away from her.

"Please, Jon," she pleaded. "My clit."

Jon hummed a little.

"I don't know, Sansa," he curled his fingers, tickling her sensitive walls and she moaned. "You only asked me to finger you, and I am fingering you."

She whined, raising her hips, trying to chase him.

"I can't cum like this!" she argued. "Please, Jon."

"You're right," he used a hand to spread her legs more. "You can't, right? It doesn't matter how much I finger your sweet cunt and don't play with your clit, I'll only be edging you."

And he kept fingering her as if he hadn't heard his own words.

"Jon," she protested.

He moved back to look at her, and she could finally see it in his eyes.

"Yes, sweet girl?"

"Please," she pleaded with him. "Please, play with my clit? Please?"

Jon licked his lips.

"And why would I do that?" he teased her, his voice and face mocking her.

Sansa just wanted to smack that smug look out of his face.

"Cause you're good?" she tried to argue. "A good lover?"

He just moved faster, and she could hear the sounds of her cunt taking his fingers, already feeling herself all infected with arousal.

"That is true," he agreed. "But I like being mean to you so, so much."

Jon pulled his fingers again, and she was about to protest when he just grabbed her and manhandled her to lay on her stomach and raise her ass, pushing now what felt like three fingers into her.

"And I think you like it too, don't you, sweet girl," he cooed.

Sansa moaned, half her face smashed on her pillow.

"Fuck, Jon," she yelped.

He fucked her fast, rough and with no mercy.

"Yes, Sansa?" he asked.

He changed the motion of his fingers out of a sudden, and she cried out when he touched something especially sensitive in her.

"Jon!" she screamed.

"Stupid sweet Sansa," he slapped her ass. "Look at your cunt. So sloppy."

Her pussy squeezed around his fingers more.

That word, that stupid word.

She could cum right now. Just a little rub, and she would cum.

"Please," she cried on the bed. "Please, I need to cum, please."

She felt him before she realised he had moved. His tongue on her cunt, around her hole, just taking her wetness.

"Please," she cried, trembling already. "I need- please."

And then, suddenly, he wrapped his lips around her clit, fucking her hard with his fingers and sucking her in a never-ending grasp.

And Sansa came.

Loud, shaking and crying.

"There you go," he hummed, tongue licking her clit softly. "Was this what you needed, Sansa?"

"Yes," she cried.

He continued to move his fingers.

"How do you say, then, sweet girl?" he asked.

Sansa whined into her pillow, sensitive.

"Thank you," she moved her hips. "Thank you, Jon, thank you, thank you."

He pulled his fingers away, and she was about to turn around when his tongue moved a little more daringly, licking her cunt clean, licking and tasting her up hungrily.

Sansa was shaking and moaning, oversensitive and overwhelmed.

Before she could cum again - or beg to cum - the sound of the door opening made her stop, and Jon stopped quickly.

"Guys?" Robb called. "We're home."

She gasped, but Jon moved quicker than she could think.

"We can finish this when we have privacy, sweet girl," he caressed her ass.

He left, and she watched him go, panting.

Oh, they sure would.

. . .

"The Fingers Situation" was posted in my Patreon in the 12th of January. To read its sequel "The TV Show" before anyone else, subscribe to my page! It's just $2 a month and I post every day.

. . .

Forever Tags: @emoryhemsworth​​​ @amythyststorm33​​​ @shaelyn102​​​ @yknott81​​​ ​​ @maximofftrash​​​ @kgbrenner​​​ @thefridgeismybestie​​​ @magpiegirl80​​​ @mogaruke​​​ @shadowhunter7​​​ @musicalcoffeebean​​​ @megasimpleplan4ever​​​ @deemoriarty​​​ @05spn18​​​ @malindacath​​​ @kdcollinsauthor​​​ @random-fandom-fangirl2112​​​ @widowsfics​​​ @frozenhuntress67​​​ @averyrogers83​​​ @notyourtypicalrose​​​ @nerdypinupcrystal​ @giruvega

[saiyanmazen]

Your fiery nature

Another Vegebul ficlet written for the Vegebulocracy's D&D event. I would've finished it yesterday, but I've been struck down by a virus.

The prompt I used for this is obviously rage. This piece is rated somewhere between T and M. Nothing explicit or sexual, but very direct about the topic of sex.

Can also be read here on AO3.

------------------------------------

Vegeta didn't think he would ever have anything in common with the Earthlings. He knew there were similarities between him and Kakarot given their shared race, but he'd been more than disappointed by how corrupted the third class Saiyan had been by the humans. There was very little of his heritage in his blood, beside the physical attributes he reaped the benefits of.

No, there wasn't anyone on this forsaken planet that could measure up to the Prince of All Saiyans.

Or so he'd thought.

The first time he felt the strange sense of kinship was when Baldy was visiting the compound. The small so-called warrior (although Vegeta begrudgingly admitted that he was the only one he carried a tiny amount of respect for - he had at least been ready to kill Vegeta until Kakarot stopped him) hadn't turned his back to Vegeta the entire time he was there; a good instinct to be honest. The midget's fear of him was justified. The Prince was the most dangerous being in the entire universe.

He hadn't paid attention to the conversation, only watched as the Earthlings interacted with each other. Maybe it could prove useful in the future. But it appeared that Baldy said something to the woman that made her angry. Her voice rose to mind-boggling shrillness as her eyes threw daggers at the midget and her mouth spewed the most heinous things at him.

The tiny man was quick to respond, backing away in fear of her wrath, and actually turned his back to Vegeta, leaving him open to attack. In fact, the bald man backed directly into Vegeta where he was leaning against the wall. Baldy didn't even flinch when he felt himself collide with the genocidal alien, still keeping his attention on the furious woman.

Vegeta was frankly offended. Why was a warrior afraid of a person as weak as her? She practically had no ki at all.

He pushed the midget to the side, possibly through the wall, and approached the hysterical female. Her rage was no match to his and, though he'd given his word that he would do no harm to her and her family, he wasn’t going to let her behave this way in front of him. Her screeching was awful to his ears and her language some of the foulest he'd heard in his life, but he would stop her. He shouted with all his might that she better shut up right this instant.

She quieted a moment, her blue eyes zeroing on him with blinding white rage, and then she directed everything at him. Her ferocity shocked him and, even as he returned her fire, she didn't back down, not once.

He'd never experienced anything like it. No one, even Frieza, had ever spoken to him like that. But he suddenly found something in another that he could relate to: an intense and burning rage.

She was magnificent. A wildfire hidden right beneath the surface of her deceptively weak appearance. In spite of the insults he flung at her, he was enchanted by her fiery nature.

After their fight somehow came to an end (which might have ended with him walking away in anger after she'd threatened to dismantle the gravity room), he felt invigorated in a whole new way. He knew that he would never look at her the same way again.

It quickly became clear to him that it wasn't just Baldy who feared the force of her wrath. Her little boytoy lost all his (unearned) bravado whenever her temper spiked, Kakarot would immediately do his best to placate her and even the Namekian was quick to disappear at signs of her nasty behavior.

Vegeta could never act so cowardly. He stood his ground and gave back, making her rage flare to almost explosive levels. It caused a strange sensation in him, an attraction to her that he eventually acknowledged had something to do with his Saiyan genes. The women of his race had been fierce and unafraid of even the greatest warrior, no matter how inferior their strength was. And Bulma’s steely gaze and cutting words made him feel more at home than he ever had before.

He began seeking her out, goading her into fight after another, relishing the sparks flickering between them as they exchanged blows.

It inevitably became physical, albeit in a way he was unfamiliar with. Not that it stopped any of them from pursuing this new passionate dance. They wrestled for dominance every time and it blew his mind every time. It drew him even more to her, much to his chagrin.

Over the time spent together, they learned not to come to blows at every turn. It took the birth of their infant child and the death of their future son for them to find a peaceful co-existence. They still argued, often to the point that the other inhabitants would clear out for a while until the dust had settled. It was usually after they'd aggressively worked things in a physical manner.

At times they'd be forced to put their quarrels to the side. Those were his favorites. She would pounce at him at an unexpected moment, push him into the mattress, a wall or wherever she attacked, wrath burning in her eyes, and put her whole body into releasing that anger at him. She would move like a wild beast, scratch and bite at him, pull his hair and even yell at him while they both reached the peak.

She was glorious, a true Queen worth of any throne, passionate and strong in all ways that mattered. He was lucky to have found a woman whose temper could match his own if not outdo him. After all, her rage could even make a god cower in fear. And Vegeta wouldn't have it any other way.

[exhausted-archivist]

Tastes of Thedas Lore Blurbs

Here are all the recipe lore blurbs for Dragon Age: Official Cookbook: Tastes of Thedas. Putting them below the cut due to length, there are 72 recipe blurbs in total.

Starters and Refreshments

Eggs à la Val Foret

Ah, yes. Tons of cream! Exactly what I've come to expect from Orlesian cuisine. Do I have any tips for creating the perfect poached egg? Well, ever since I heard that Solas's bald head was once likened to an egg, I simply try to make my eggs just as round and shiny! So far, it's worked wonderfully and never ceases to put a smile on my face.

Nevarran Blood Orange Salad

Although I knew that Divine Victoria left behind a life of wealth and privilege to join the Seekers of Truth, it wasn't until I was in Nevarra, seeing exactly what she'd given up, that I truly gained an appreciation for the path she'd chosen. The best way to describe my first glimpse of the gardens of Nevarra is that it was like seeing a painting come to life. For a long moment, I could only stand there, so dazzled by the richness and vibrancy of it all that I was half-convinced I was actually still napping in the carriage. Surely, there was no way such beauty could be found outside of a dream. And yet the beauty before me was very much real.

So, too, was the picturesque tableau that arrived later that day on a plate: perfectly cut slices of blood orange artfully arranged on a lush pillow of bitter greens. Was this a meal or a still life, I wondered. In truth, the answer was both. For Nevarrans, food is as much a feast for the eyes as for the mouth. But even if your arrangement isn't quite worthy of being displayed in a museum, this salad will sing a symphony on your tastebuds.

Fried Young Giant Spiders

Just as people on the surface raise cows and goats, the dwarves underground raise spiders. Yes, to eat. The legs are fried and served with a sauce, which, true to dwarven fashion, is made with some type of alcohol. The precise kind depends on the establishment where you're eating your spider legs. Unfortunately, I couldn't get an exact recipe from any of the chefs I spoke to. These sauces are apparently closely guarded secrets and have spurred many a nefarious plot to acquire them - the competition to be crowned Orzammar's Best Sauce is fierce. But I've been assured that lichen ale is generally not used.

I've therefore come up with my own recipe, based on the many varieties I sampled while in Orzammar. Given that sourcing the requisite spider legs above ground is not nearly so easy, and the demand for such exports is minimal, I've substituted them with crab legs. It's not a perfect match, but it's close enough to satisfy me.

Stuffed Deep Mushrooms

Though the mushrooms growing underground in caves and in many parts of the Deep Roads are all called "deep mushrooms," there is no singular variety. In fact, there are several! Some mushrooms are squat, with broad, flat caps, while others are long and spindly, reaching toward the sky like an old man's gnarled fingers. They also have a multitude of applications, used in the creation of everything from restorative potions to deadly poisons. But in Orzammar, mushrooms are farmed for eating!

I was able to sample some of these dwarven delicacies, prized for their unique flavor and intoxicating scent. After only a few bites, I was struck with inspiration. How delicious would one of these mushrooms be when stuffed with cheese and spinach? The answer is: very. Rest assured that I selected this particular variety of deep mushroom not only for its shape, which is ideal for holding the maximum amount of cheese (and spinach), but also for the fact that it does not carry the darkspawn taint. While certain dwarves will insist that a deep mushroom's proximity to lyrium and darkspawn can only improve its flavor, I am quite content to leave that particular question a mystery, especially where lyrium is concerned. Although I'm hardly an expert on the stuff, I can't help but think about Fenris and how much suffering he endured as a result of his lyrium-infused markings. It seems to me that, barring any natural resistance, lyrium and the body are two things that probably shouldn't mix.

Rivaini Couscous Salad

When I first encountered couscous, I mistakenly believed it to be a grain, like rice or the more familiar Fereldan barley. I was swiftly corrected. In fact, couscous is a sort of pasta, made with semolina flour and water, although it's far smaller than your typical Antivan pasta. Couscous has a very mild flavor on its own--maybe slightly nutty. But where it excels is in its ability to soak up surrounding flavors, making it a perfect base for any salad. I'd love to experiment further, but so far, this particular combination of red bell pepper and mint has proven to be incredibly pleasing.

Crab Cakes from Kirkwall

I love it when recipes add a dash of whimsy into the mix. Food should be fun. I, therefore, took it upon myself to put this into practice with a classic Kirkwall dish. After all, who hasn't looked at their crab cakes and wished they looked a little more like crabs? Okay, maybe I'm the only one who's thought this. But now that I've brought this possibility to your attention, I'm certain you're interested as well! Best of all, these extra-crabby crab cakes stay true to the original recipe's flavors, so nothing is lost--only gained!

Fluffy Mackerel Pudding

Can it really be Feast Day without fluffy mackerel pudding? No! In fact, there's no dish I associate more strongly with the holiday than this unique combination of mackerel, onion, celery, and eggs. Granted, I've heard stories that, several decades ago, someone once attempted a diet consisting entirely of fluffy mackerel pudding. Now, that I certainly wouldn't recommend. It stops being Feast Day Fish if you eat it every day, no?

Snail and Watercress Salad

When the Avvar can't get their hands on a gurgut or a wyvern, they turn their attention to smaller prey. Much smaller prey. Snails are found on many a hillside boulder, making them an abundant source of food for the Avvar. Now, while some would wrinkle their noses or cry out in disgust at the prospect of eating a snail, I am pleased to report that, when prepared correctly, the texture, and flavor are actually good! I could happily eat a plate full of snails dressed in butter and oil, but those still on the fence about a snail's place in Lowlander cuisine might prefer to sample them in conjunction with other ingredients. Might I suggest a snail and watercress salad? It’s not exactly traditional Avvar cuisine, but my hosts certainly seemed to enjoy it.

Cave Beetles

You think that, after snails, I'd balk at beetles? Never! In fact, I greatly enjoyed this dwarven dish, which involves roasting cave beetles in their shells. However, I recognize that many may not have a palate that's nearly so adventurous. If that's the case, the cave beetles can be replaced with whole prawns while keeping the rest of the recipe the same. That being said, if you do enjoy the variation with prawns, I really recommend giving the cave beetles a try. They're quite similar in both texture and flavor. If you were to blindfold yourself, I doubt you could tell the difference!

For the Road

Spiced Jerky

Preserved foods play an important role in many different cultures across Thedas. Not only do they help certain communities weather times of scarcity brought on by the changing of the seasons, but they also ensure that long journeys away from home are possible. Imagine how difficult it would be for Dalish hunters to bring back meat the clan is depending on if they have to be back for supper night - or, worse, hunt on an empty stomach! This spiced jerky ensures that all Dalish hunters are well provisioned whenever they set out on a hunt so that no one, either the hunter or the clan at home, must go hungry. I do wonder, given how well this food keeps, whether it’s used in offerings made by certain Dalish elves to Fen’Harel. Although his shrines are usually located well outside of Dalish camps, I can’t imagine that leaving behind food that’ll readily spoil is good practice, especially if the prevailing opinion about these shrines is to avoid them. Besides, he is the Dread Wolf. If any god would enjoy a good piece of jerky, it should be him!

Grey Warden Pastry Pockets

Unlike many of us, Grey Wardens often don’t have the luxury of sitting down for their meals. Instead, they’re off on patrol, usually in less-than-pleasant climates, which makes their work all the more exhausting. In their shoes, I imagine I’d be downright ravenous, well beyond what a handful of nuts could hope to sate. But a pastry stuffed to the brim with meat, potatoes, and onion? Now, that would keep me going, and the Grey Wardens certainly seem to agree! While the original recipe produces a much tougher pastry - mostly to keep the whole thing from falling apart in one’s pack - another variation, championed by newer recruits from Orlais, incorporates the far more delicate Orlesian puff pastry. Whether eaten hot or cold, the results are certainly delicious, but I wouldn’t recommend storing these pastries anywhere they might be jostled. Otherwise, you might open your pack to find a mess in place of a meal!

Pickled Eggs

Got a fever? A cold? An aching shoulder, perhaps? Ask any Fereldan for advice, and they’ll be quick to prescribe you a pickled egg, the Fereldan cure for…well, pretty much anything! Actually, no, I take it back. You don’t even have to ask. Looking a bit under the weather is prompt enough for most Fereldans to unleash a deluge of eggs, which is exactly what Commander Cullen found waiting for him in his office during the worst of his lyrium withdrawals. Whether the eggs really work is a completely different story, but I’d be the last person to complain if one was offered to me. I am Fereldan, after all. Still, next time you feel a bit of illness coming on, try one of these salty-sour eggs. You never know; it might actually work. And at the very least, you’ll have the opportunity to enjoy one of Ferelden’s finest snacks!

Unidentified Meat

Have you ever heard a tale so exciting that you decided then and there that you absolutely have to see the truth of it for yourself? That was me when I learned about the mysterious, impossible-to-identify meat that’s often served in taverns across Tevinter - usually with a heaping portion of Nevarran flat bread. Of course, sometimes, the truth is far less exciting. Because what did I find on my plate when I ordered a portion of this strange meat? Was it quillback? Dracolisk? Giant? No. It was chicken - chicken legs, to be precise. Ah, well. They were still delicious.

Seheron Fish Pockets

Alas, for all my desire to see every last bit of Thedas, there are still certain places where I simply cannot go. Take far-off Seheron, for example, a land that, according to the Hero of Ferelden’s companion, Sten, smells like tea, incense, and the sea. Sounds lovely, no? What a shame then, that all my knowledge comes secondhand - and this recipe is no exception. I learned of this recipe from a member of the famous mercenary band Bull’s Chargers. A group favorite, the fish is packed with flavor. On its own, this combination of spices might prove a bit too much for the more delicate Orlesian palates, but I find that the soft wrap and crisp vegetables temper the resultant heat a fair bit. Do note, however, that this dish has a tendency to fall apart if eaten haphazardly. I suppose that’s why the mercenary who shared this recipe with me emphasized the importance of sitting down properly. He seemed to think I might stand in my chair to eat it instead. Who does that?

Fereldan Hearty Scones

Traveling is tiring work, especially when circumstances beyond your control necessitate going by foot instead of carriage. Thankfully, I had these hearty scones from home to keep me going! Unlike their sweeter, more delicate counterparts, Fereldan scones are packed with cheese and bacon, making them certain to keep you full until your next meal. Unfortunately, this also makes the scones a prime target for any nearby mabari, who love cheese and bacon as much as any other Fereldan. Don't make my mistake! Take a moment to survey your surroundings before enjoying your first bite; otherwise, a four-legged someone might do the honors for you.

Crow Feed

You don’t see much rice outside of Antiva and its neighbor, Rivain. In fact, it’s an especially rare sight in Ferelden, where any grain is seemingly always either barley or wheat. Evidently, very little of the rice Antiva produces ends up being exported, making it relatively cheap compared to other grains. It’s no wonder, then, that rice is a key component in dishes favored by poorer Antivans. However, that doesn’t make them any less delicious! Take crow feed, for example - a simple dish of rice, butter, and onions named after the (in)famous Antivan Crows. Although it’s most certainly cheap, the taste is fit for a king!

Black Lichen Bread

No doubt your face is already creasing in trepidation. “But wait,” you think, “isn’t black lichen toxic?” And yes. Yes, it is. But high temperatures seem to largely neutralize the lichen’s toxicity, making it safe to consume. If you’re still concerned, you can easily substitute any surface varieties for the lichen used in this recipe. Just make sure to thoroughly dry it, as you would any lichen from underground. You can also use bark in place of lichen, but I think that defeats the point. This is supposed to be lichen bread, after all, not bark bread!

Hearth Cakes

Some lovely comfort food, courtesy of the Dalish. These cakes are traditionally made over the hearth on an iron griddle or skillet (hence the name). While the original recipe calls for halla butter, I’ve found that other types of butter work just as well. The resulting dough stays moist on the inside, but crisp and flaky on the outside. In other words: perfect. Although hearth cakes can be made plain, I recommend adding some dried fruit into the mix. Cranberries, raisins, and currants all work. I believe the Dalish simply use whatever is on hand. Of course, if you’re feeling a bit mischievous, you could mix in some hot peppers instead: Just be prepared to be cursed as loudly and vehemently as Fen’Harel, the Lord of Tricksters himself!

Peasant Bread

While traveling through Orlais, I spied this rustic and hearty bread being eaten by both Dalish and city elves alike. The recipe is very straightforward, calling for wheat, salt, and grease in nearly equal parts, and it produces a biscuit that feels like it would be right at home in any Fereldan dish. It does a wonderful job mopping up any last bits of stew left inside your bowl, but it also pairs well with a bit of butter and jam.

Soups and Stews

Merrill’s Blood Soup

In the same vein as Llomerryn red, this is not actually blood - it’s just red. The color comes from the beetroot, which gives the soup a rich, earthy flavor that goes well with the roasted chickpeas sprinkled on top. Some might find the vibrant crimson hue off-putting, in the same way many shun the practice of blood magic. However, as mages like Merrill have shown, I think it’s best to not judge by appearances or by what you think you know. Take the time to experience things for yourself, and you might find yourself pleasantly surprised!

Fereldan Potato and Leek Soup

Most people immediately think of Orlais when it comes to creamy soups, and I can’t blame them. However, as often as cream might appear in their cuisine, the Orlesians certainly don’t have a monopoly on it, whether in soup or otherwise. This dish is 100% Fereldan through and through, and the recipe I’ve noted here is actually Mum’s. Of course, I couldn’t help but put my own little twist on it. Instead of using a side of toasted bread to give the meal a necessary bit of crunch, I turned my attention abroad, settling on chickpeas from Rivain, toasted to crouton-like crispiness. In a way, this recipe is very much a reflection of me, now that my journey is coming to an end. While my origins are unmistakably Fereldan, my travels across Thedas have touched me in a lasting way, and I’m all the richer for it.

The Hanged Man’s Mystery Meat Stew

A famous dish from the Hanged Man tavern in Kirkwall - or infamous, I suppose, depending on your perspective. Personally, after having heard so much about it, I couldn’t wait to taste it, even if the establishment, as Fenris once so succinctly put it, smelled of sour ale, vomit, and desperation. Oh, yes. I can hear what you’re thinking. A Fereldan excited about yet another stew. How predictable. But this is the tavern’s feature dish! Why shouldn’t I be excited? It’s made from a different meat every morning. I suspect mine was pork, although after overhearing the waitress tell another patron that they hang people who ask stupid questions from the rafters, I declined to confirm.

Fish Chowder

As Antivan as it gets! A bowl of this thick, creamy soup will have you feeling like you’re in Antiva City. No need for any pickpockets, corrupt politicians, or Antivan leather to further enhance the experience - the word “enhance” being entirely debatable, of course. I can’t imagine that the smell of rotting flesh would do much for anyone’s appetite, though Zevran Arainai might disagree with me on that. Evidently, becoming an accomplished assassin can have a pronounced effect on one’s tastes. But if you ask me, this desire for rather unusual accompaniments is likely born of something much more universally understood: homesickness.

Sweet and Sour Cabbage Soup

This Fereldan staple is often more solid than liquid, filled to the brim with cabbage, tomatoes, and other vegetables. Paired with a thick slice of dark bread, it makes for a filling and satisfying meal, one guaranteed to leave you full of warmth for hours afterwards on even the coldest of days. A perfect fit for us Fereldans, you might think, but we aren’t the only ones who enjoy this soup on the regular. Apparently, there’s a troupe of actors in Orlais whose sole focus is a popular comedy set in the fictional Fereldan village of Wilkshire Downs. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to see it for myself, as the performance was sold out almost instantly. But in order to play their roles most convincingly, the actors went so far as to change their diets to match those of their characters. For example, there’s a mayor who specifically eats cabbage soup. Personally, I don’t think I’d enjoy subsisting only on cabbage soup for an extended period of time, but you can’t help but applaud them for their dedication to their craft!

Lentil Soup

Lentils and Onions - open any pantry across Thedas, and I’m certain you’ll find these two ingredients sitting on the shelves. They’re both relatively inexpensive and keep well for an extended period of time. Best of all, they go with pretty much anything! Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if these two Thedosian staples played a starring role instead of a supporting one. So I combined a recipe that’s popular in elven alienages with some classic Tevinter flavors to supply an answer to this question. And what a delicious answer it is!

Nettle Soup

I first encountered nettles as a child, when I tripped and fell face-first in a whole patch of them. Many tears were shed, along with a lecture from Mum to play elsewhere from now on. In short, it was far from a pleasant experience. So I was understandably dubious when confronted with the idea of using nettles as an ingredient in my cooking. How could something so painful to the touch be in any way edible, let alone pleasant on the tongue. Funnily enough, I didn’t even have to taste it to understand. Though I doubt she’d appreciate it, I immediately thought of Lady Morrigan. She is, in a word, prickly, much like a nettle. And yet, despite her oftentimes cruel manner, no one can deny that she’s done much for Thedas’s benefit, helping not just the Hero of Ferelden, but also the Inquisitor. She’s a perfect example of how first impressions are not always the most correct. So, yes, nettles are both incredibly nutritious and delicious, contrary to my expectations.

King Alistair’s Lamb and Pea Stew

Hearty, humble, and straightforward to make - the three key aspects of any good Fereldan stew. This is a dish so ubiquitous that it’s become almost synonymous with Fereldan cuisine in general. I’m certain you’ve heard many a clever quip about our stews, perhaps even from Fereldan! But let me be the first to assure you that, no, contrary to what King Alistair may have said, we don’t cook our ingredients until they’re all “a uniform grey color.” Throwing them into the largest pot we can find, on the other hand… …that much is true. If you’re going to make a stew, you might as well make a lot of it! Although Mum’s stews will always rule my heart, I’d be lying if I said this recipe - its namesake’s view on Fereldan stews aside - didn’t come close to stealing the crown. (Sorry, Mum!)

Main Courses

Stuffed Cabbage

Gathering is just as important as hunting for the Avvar. It’s like Mum said: You can’t live off only meat, and any meal without vegetables is a meal half-finished. Of course, I didn’t understand her reasoning as a child, especially one who was single-handedly waging a war against the green menace on my plate. But now that I’m older, I have a new appreciation for her words. Plus, with a bit of proper seasoning, and some meat, even the most unappealing of vegetables can be delicious.

Antivan Gnocchi

Phew! Antivan meals sure are something to behold - and, to think, for Antivan nobles like Lady Josephine, these decadent spreads are just another dinner! Every time I thought we’d reach the last course, another was swiftly brought out. After ten dishes full of ingredients like olives, truffles, pasta, and cream, it’s a wonder I didn’t have to be rolled away from the table! In retrospect, I probably overindulged in the gnocchi, which were dressed with leeks and a rich cheese sauce. While they’re delicious, these small lumps of wheat, flour, egg, salt, and potato are incredibly filling. Still, I cannot say I won’t repeat this mistake next time I find myself at an Antivan table - nor will I regret it if I do!

Antivan Paella

Bordered by the Rialto Bay to the east, Antiva is populated mostly on the coast. It’s no wonder, then, that seafood plays a  starring role in Antivan cuisine. There’s no dish that exemplifies this more than the classic Antivan paella. Rice, saffron, and a variety of seafood (from whole shrimp to cuttlefish to mussels) come together to create an aromatic smorgasbord of everything the ocean has to offer. Best of all, it’s all made in a single pot - truly a dish after my own stew-loving Fereldan heart, if King Alistair’s thoughts on Fereldan cuisine are to believed! Although paella is traditionally cooked in a shallow, wide pan called a paellera (or, more confusingly, a paella in certain regions of Antiva), it can be prepared in virtually any deep skillet. Be sure to pair your paella with a glass of wine - ideally, an Antivan vintage, according to Lady Josephine, whose opinion on such matters can certainly be trusted - for the full experience.

Grilled Poussin

The Chasind sure love their poussin. And who can blame them? I love it, too! It’s a great alternative to the roasted turkey one might normally trot out for guests - although, I admit, the length of the guest list will likely be the deciding factor here. A poussin is a significantly smaller bird, after all, and as much as we might love the kitchen, sometimes we must be economical in our choices. Still, for a more intimate dinner party, you can’t go wrong with this dish! Although the Chasind typically cook poussin in a large pot over an open fire for an extended period of time, a similar effect can be achieved with any other cookware of suitable size and an oven. Marinating and basting the meat to keep it moist. That’s the secret to a meat so tender that it practically falls off the bone!

Gurgut Roast with Lowlander Spices and Mushroom Sauce

It was spring when I trudged through the Frostbacks on my way toward one of the many Avvar settlements that populate the area. As this is the time of year when the Avvar begin preparing for the following winter by smoking meat, pickling vegetables, and drying fruit, I thought it an ideal time to visit and observe. Unfortunately, springtime is also the gurgut’s mating season. As a result, I nearly discovered firsthand why travelers are advised to keep their distance from these brightly colored beasts. Luckily, a nearby group of Avvar hunters quickly came to my aid, and I was spared the indignity of beating at the beast with a ladle. In an expression of my thanks, I shared with them several jars of spices from home, which they happily accepted. These Lowlander spices are prized among the Avvar and often reserved for feasts are rare delicacies. What unparalleled good fortune, then, that I later had the opportunity to dine on the slain gurgut, now roasted and seasoned with the spices I had gifted, at the hunters’ hold.

Nug Pancakes

Although some see nugs only as pets, they are edible. In fact, nugs constitute a key part of dwarven cuisine, so much so that Varen, the first dwarf to attempt eating a nug - albeit out of desperation - became a paragon for his culinary discovery! I'd liken the flavor to a cross between pork and rabbit. Very tender, especially when roasted. But of all the nug-based dishes I've sampled, my favorite is still the nug pancakes (with nug-gets coming in a close second). I've noted down the recipe here and recommend you give it a try! Of course, if you cannot bring yourself to eat nug, other meats can be substituted in its place.

Fish in Salt Crust

The Avvar are generally rather utilitarian in their cooking methods - lots of stews, which I can hardly find fault with. But holds by lakes and rivers have a unique way of cooking fish. Instead of using a pan, they’ll wrap the fish in pungent leaves and salt, then leave it baking all day over banked coals. Like a stew, this method of preparation does not require constant attention. In addition, the salt helps keep moisture inside the fish, which turns the flesh creamy and tender. Plus, there’s a great deal of fun to be had when cracking the salt open! It adds a level of drama that I’m sure even the Orlesians would appreciate.

Roasted Wyvern

Having made their home in the inhospitable Frostbacks, the Avvar live on whatever they can glean from the land, hunting all manner of beasts, from harts and rams to large creatures like lurkers and gurguts - sometimes even wyverns! But take care! Although wyvern can be delicious, if they’re not prepared correctly, they’re devastatingly poisonous, a consequence of their venomous nature. I’ve made sure to include detailed instructions. I’m no Antivan Crow like Zevran Arainai, after all; the last thing I want is for anyone to be poisoned via dinner!

Nug Bacon and Egg Pie

Ever since I heard about Sister Leliana keeping a nug as a companion, I’ve desperately longed for a Schmooples of my own. Of course, as adorable as nugs are, allowing them anywhere near a fully stocked kitchen is a recipe for disaster. You’d think that after seeing Mum nearly lose her mind trying to keep the Hero of Ferelden’s mabari out of her larder, I’d be a touch more aware of the security of my own roasts. And yet…that cute face… Suffice it to say, I discovered firsthand just how voracious these little omnivores can be. These days, the closest thing to a nug in my house is this traditional Fereldan farmer’s pie.

Starkhaven Fish and Egg Pie

In some ways, this famous pie mirrors its namesake. Not only is it almost oval in shape, but it’s also stuffed to the brim with fish from the Minanter River, lending the impression that it, like the city of Starkhaven, sits perched upon the river’s bounty. But where the city is crowned with solid rings of tall, gray stone, this pie has a light, flaky crust that, I imagine, is far kinder on one’s teeth –not to mention, far tastier! As beautiful as Starkhaven is, with its lavish estates and fountains, I’d much rather take a bite of one of its pies instead. Of course, if Starkhaven’s prince were on offer as well… just kidding! I’d still take the pie. Given Sebastain Vael’s popularity, though, I might be alone in this decision.

Cacio e Pepe

A classic Antivan dish that graces the tables of both rich and poor alike. Composed of three pain ingredients – pasta, cheese, and pepper – cacio e pepe is delightfully simple. And yet, it is also very easy to get wrong, as I quickly discovered. The sauce must be smooth, not clumpy, a surprisingly tall ask when your tools are dry cheese and water. But do not despair! This skill, like all others, can be learned, and with a bit of practice, you too will be able to make a sauce that even the most scrutinizing of Antivan grandmothers can’t help but approve of. And let me tell you, that nod of approval is worth every ounce of struggle. So let me be the first to offer it to you, as Mum did for me when I was a child helping her in the kitchen: I’m so proud of you for persevering!

Turnip and Mutton Pie

I already know what you’re thinking. A Fereldan about to extol the virtues of turnips? Of course! They’re a wonderful little root vegetable, capable of being prepared any number of ways–whether boiled, stir-fried, roasted, steamed, or mashed–and even eaten raw! Although they certainly make a great addition to any stew, for now, I’d like to introduce you to the wonders of turnips in pies.

This particular pie is a classic Fereldan dish served at taverns across the kingdom. Tender chunks of lamb and turnip are enveloped in a buttery crust that, together, never fail to put a smile on my face. It doesn’t matter how cold or miserable the day is. None of that is any match for a belly full of warm, rich, turnipy goodness. Even just the smell alone is a comfort that no other food could ever hope to match. And although you could certainly evoke it by throwing a bushel of turnips into the fire, as Cole once did, I think putting them in a pie is a much tastier idea.

Smoked Ham from the Anderfels

Contrary to what the rumors (or perhaps just the importers) would have you believe, this ham does not taste of despair - whatever flavor that might be. Although the Anderfels are largely ill-suited for farming, pigs do surprisingly well there, in spite of the notoriously inhospitable climate. As a result, ham from the Anderfels is generous in size and, when glazed, makes for a delicious meal. In terms of glazes, my personal favorite is made from a combination of apples and apricots. However, I’ve heard that one glaze, in particular, made from wildflowers, can turn a smoked ham as hard as jade! Not at all suitable for eating, but I imagine it would pack quite the punch, especially in the hands of a warrior like Divine Victoria!

Roasted Turkey with Sides

If you're attending the Prince of Starkhaven's birthday celebration or any dinner party in the Free Marches, chances are, you'll find this feast waiting for you. The roasted turkey, cooked to golden-brown perfection, sits surrounded by a host of different sides, creating a picturesque scene that's certain to impress everyone lucky enough to secure an invite. Unsurprisingly, this culinary tableau is far from a quick-and-easy meal. The chef who prepared the rendition I enjoyed in Kirkwall informed me - after much persuasion - that the turkey alone took hours to prepare. Add a few sides, and there goes most of the day, especially if you don't have a full kitchen staff to assist you! Unfortunately, I discovered this the hard way when I later attempted to put this recipe into practice. By the time everything was properly cooked and ready, it was late into the evening - well past dinnertime, even in Antiva, where dinner is usually a late-night affair. So take my advice, and budget more time than you think you need. Also be sure to invite some friends! This is definitely a meal that's meant to be shared, which, in my opinion, makes it the best kind!

Sides

Sera’s Yummy Corn

This recipe is simple, yet strict. No wraps. No non-yellow corn. Peel halfway, then wash and cook; peel again, and eat. Personally I think other varieties of corn would work just fine - I agree with checking for rot, of course - but the suggestion was met with such disgust from Sera that, well, I couldn’t bring myself to try it. Also, while the original recipe advises acquiring the ingredients through less-than-honorable means, let me assure you that merchant-bought corn is absolutely fine. Friends of Red Jenny can, of course, pilfer a few ears from an undeserving noble, as usual.

Stuffed Vine Leaves

The first thing I did upon arriving in the Tevinter Imperium was head for the nearest tavern and order this classic Tevinter appetizer. These tender leaves are stuffed with rice, herbs, and sometimes minced meat. When topped with a bit of lemon juice and a dollop of tzatziki sauce, they’re sure to leave you in a state of bliss with just a single bite. In my case, I was so enchanted by the delicious flavors that I didn’t even notice the commotion outside! Apparently, there was a disagreement between a magister and another magister’s son - about what, I couldn’t say. After all, I was too busy eating!

Honey Carrots

In much the same way as the Inquisition is to the Inquisitor, a meal is more than just a main course. Sides form an equal part of the equation and deserve just as much care and attention as the dish they’re served alongside. It’s a lesson Mum taught me long ago and one I haven’t forgotten since. So of course, I noticed when this Orlesian staple made an appearance. It graced my table not once, not twice, but every single time I dined in Orlais. And while I enjoyed the traditional Orlesian rendition of this dish - which is on the sweeter side, thanks to a liberal application of honey - those who prefer a level of sweetness more in line with a carrot’s natural flavor should employ a lighter touch.

Nevarran Flat Bread and Yogurt Dip

There’s something supremely satisfying about a tall stack of Nevarran flat bread - and I don’t just mean in an aesthetic sense. Of course, being pleasing to the eye is certainly a consideration. This is a Nevarran dish, after all. But the process of being able to go from dough to ready-to-eat bread in minutes reaches a whole level of satisfaction on its own, especially if you’re used to waiting hours for a loaf to finish baking! Best off all, this bread can be eaten in a variety of different ways, whether on its own, brushed with oil, or as a vehicle for an assortment of dips. Personally, I’d love to try it with a good stew from home one day.

Sweet Delights

Blancmange

When translated literally from Orlesian, blancmange means “white eating,” which, I suppose, is pretty accurate. This dish is a white pudding made with either milk or heavy cream that’s been thickened. On its own, it possesses a relatively mild sweetness–particularly by Orlesian standards. But that’s because it’s generally served with various toppings, such as a red grape compote, to amplify the dish’s sweet flavors. The toppings are also a great way to decorate an otherwise plain-looking dessert. I’ve seen everything from designs composed of toasted almonds to ribbons of fresh mango. There’s really no limit to what you can do!

If you’re looking for a particularly elegant option, you need only turn to Lady Vivienne for guidance. After all, she’s the veritable queen of style, no matter the medium. When it comes to blancmange, her preferred arrangement remains true to the dish’s name, offering a pristine white-on-white tableau of white chocolate curls and whole jasmine flowers. The result is gorgeous on its own, but when served on a dark plate, it looks all the more stunning!

As stunning as that is, I prefer to add a cherry sauce to top the dish.

Poison Stings

Traveling is exhausting, as I’ve recently discovered. Even if you’re just sitting in a carriage, it can often feel like you’re walking every step of the way. Thankfully, I’m not the first to take long journeys across Thedas. Dorian Pavus traveled all the way from Tevinter to Ferelden in order to join the Inquisition - and rather quickly, at that! His secret? Chocolate-coated orange peels, colloquially known as poison stings. They’re sweet and sour, crunchy and chewy, and are certain to perk you right up whenever you’re starting to feel a bit worn down.

Dalish Forest Fruit Cobbler

Mum always knew there’s no greater comfort than a warm slice of cobbler - and the Dalish know it too! The first time I had a bite of this dessert, it was like sitting in Mum’s kitchen all over again, letting the simple pleasure of her baking wash away the day’s troubles. Hard to feel the sting of a skinned knee or a lost game when your belly is full of warm, gooey goodness, no? Although Mum usually made her cobblers with strawberries and rhubarb - only the stems, of course, as the leaves are poisonous - you can follow the Dalish’s lead and use whatever forest fruit is currently in season.

Dwarven Plum Jam

One of the great joys of this journey has been the sheer variety of foods I’ve encountered. However, there are certain places that, by nature of their climate or simply location, offer little in the way of choice when it comes to locally produced foods. The dwarven city of Orzammar is one such place.

Though it is underground, the city is by no means isolated, and trade with the surface has ensured that foods from above ground have soared to great heights of popularity below. Jam, particularly that made from plums, seems to be in especially high demand. The price, however, was enough to make my eyes water! It’s no surprise that only the wealthiest and most influential residents of Orzammar can afford it.

That’s not to say the rest of the city’s population is doomed to live in a jamless existence! While in Orzammar, I spoke to a local jam maker who, rather than purchase the jams directly from merchants, has opted to import only the individual components. They hope that, by making the actual preserves themselves, they can sell their product for a much more reasonable price. And the results, I dare say, were very sweet.

Sour Cherries in Cream

Imagine that you, like me, are at a dinner party in Orlais. You’ve just finished polishing off the second-to-last course, the latest in a long slew of extravagance, and you’re starting to realize that perhaps you overindulged earlier in the evening. But how could you not? The food was just so good. Now there’s only dessert left, and your stomach feels like it’s about to burst. At this point, you cannot imagine how you’ll manage to choke down whatever tower of sugar and cream awaits you in the kitchens. All you know is you have to. You cannot be rude to your host, after all. What a relief, then, when dessert finally arrives, and you’re presented with a small bowl filled with black cherries dressed in sweet cherry sauce and whipped cream. Evidently, even the Orlesians are sometimes in need of lighter fare. And so the night ends, with stomachs still intact and no offense caused. A happy ending for all!

Treviso Energy Balls

As a Fereldan, I’m no stranger to hardship. The Fifth Blight took much from us, but the darkspawn are hardly the sole cause of suffering in Thedas. Take Treviso, a port city in northern Antiva, for example: Treviso was captured and liberated several times during both the Qunari Wars and the New Exalted Marches. As you can imagine, during times of occupation, food was scarce, and those living in the city had to make do with the limited ingredients they still had. Of course, people can be remarkably creative, particularly in difficult times. You need only look to the work Anders did in his clinic in Darktown to know that much. And so the Treviso energy ball was born, combining peanut butter, oats, and dried fruit into a bite-sized treat that’s just bursting with energy! Perfect for when you’re out sabotaging weapon caches - or just taking a hike.

Rice Pudding

I assumed a mercenary would be paid in gold. But according to the second-in-command of the Bull’s Chargers, this is not always the case! One time, he, the Iron Bull, and five other Chargers defended a village from fifty bandits, an awe-inspiring feat by anyone’s measure. I certainly listened in slack-jawed amazement as Krem recounted the tale. How incredible they must have been! If only I could’ve seen it for myself. Ahem. In any case, once the bandits were defeated and it came time for the Chargers to collect on the payment they were owed, instead of receiving a sack of gold, they got several bags of rice. When I asked what they did with all this rice, Krem only shrugged and said, “When life gives you rice, make rice pudding.” I don’t believe truer words were ever spoken!

Goat Custard

You’ll find custards all across Thedas in a dizzying number of variations. I sourced this particular recipe from Rivain, where it has gained great popularity as a dessert. The custard is made from goat’s milk and studded with roasted figs to add a touch of sweetness to the dish’s overall richness. If you’d like to further enhance the dish’s sweet flavors, milk from the Ayesleigh gulabi goat can be used, as it boasts a natural sweetness that makes it prized by custard connoisseurs everywhere.

Baked Goods

Antivan Apple Grenade

It’s no secret that I delight in creative presentation when it comes to food. Whether it’s a crab cake designed to look like a crab or a dish featuring a fish peeking its head out of a pie, the extra touches are all certain to leave me clapping my hands with glee. Thankfully, this Antivan dessert nails it on both counts! Its name comes from the fact it resembles the fire grenades reportedly used by the Antivan Crows assassins - not just in shape, but also in heat! I discovered that part for myself the hard way, when I bit into the piping-hot apple at the center of these sweet pastry bundles with a touch too much enthusiasm.

Found Cake

The Hero of Ferelden’s mabari is very good at finding items. One time he even brought back a cake! As I understand it, the cake in question was a chocolate cream variety, topped with white frosting and fresh strawberries. Of course, I had to try my hand at reproducing it, and I think the results are sure to delight. I did, however, make the decision to omit the few flecks of drool that apparently clung to the original. As much as we love our mabari in Ferelden, I don’t think their spittle makes for a very appetizing ingredient. Not even Teyrn Loghain, who, I would argue, is far more tolerant of mabari drool than I, is liable to enjoy a cake that’s become intimately acquainted with the inside of a mabari’s mouth.

Varric’s Favorite Cinnamon Rolls

When you hear the tales of Thedas's heroes, what you don't always hear are the silly names Varric Tethras called them. Some of them more fitting - Blondie, Curly, Ruffles, Broody - and others a little more...ironic. Tiny? Chuckles? I can easily imagine his amusement at the exasperation of those around him, but that's Varric for you. He can disarm you with his humor and charm (or quite literally, through his spy network). I'll tell you a secret, though-I think he has a soft spot for the soft heroes. "Daisy" for Merrill, "Sunshine" for Bethany, "Kid" for Cole. I've even heard rumors that there was a kind, appeasing hero he called "Waffles". And "Waffles" is just on short step away from him calling someone a "Cinnamon Roll," which I've heard is one of his favorite sweets. (Some of those heroes would decidedly deserve that nickname, too.) I whipped up a batch of cinnamon rolls while thinking on it, and I believe they're the perfect treat to have while listening to him spin you a tale. Warm, sweet, comforting- the kind of treat not for listening to Hard in Hightown, but for hours spent reminiscing.

Croissants

The Orlesians certainly know how to make a good pastry! It’s no wonder Lady Vivienne starts off her day with one of these, the most well-known of all Orlesian pastries and, in my humble opinion, the most delicious. But, by Andraste, these little crescents are a lot of work to make! In order to achieve that wonderfully flaky texture croissants are known for, the dough is layered with butter and then rolled and folded several times over before being rolled into a thin sheet. It’s times like these when I wish I had a strong companion like the Iron Bull or Commander Cullen to take over the duties with the rolling pin. Anything to spare my arms the indignity of being reduced to limp noodles!

Cherry Cupcake

These delightful little cakes are decadence in bite-sized form, as pleasing to the eye as they are the tongue. Although they were served alongside other sweets, carried from one private box to the next by a servant on stilts at the Tevinter theater, I was so enchanted by the pink color that I barely noticed what else was on offer. It was only after I’d had a cupcake (or four) that I heard these tiny cakes were once used as a vehicle for deadly poisons! Thankfully, my cupcakes were poison free, and so is the recipe I now pass on to you.

Chocolate Cake

I didn’t have to travel very far to get my hands on this recipe. In fact, I didn’t need to travel at all! This cake is actually one of Mum’s recipes. She baked it for the first time on my tenth name-day, and it made for a sweet celebration that not another name-day passed without me begging for an encore. Thankfully, Mum was kind enough to indulge me, even though, more times than not, she already had her hands full with the Couslands’ meals. And so whenever I think about her love for me, this cake inevitably sits front and center in my mind. It therefore seems only fitting to include here.

Varric’s Favorite Pastries

Leave a plate of pastries, fresh from the oven, to cool on a windowsill, and you might soon find a certain member of House Tethras lurking nearby. It’s unsurprising, given that the man’s first thought when it came to renaming the Bone Pit was apparently “the pie fields.” I can’t blame him, of course. I, too, love a good pastry, whether it be biscuit, roll, or bun. And after an extensive consultation with the famed arbalist himself, I’ve put together this sample, which is sure to delight! But whether you choose to leave them within dwarf’s reach well, that is entirely up to you.

Sugar Cake

There’s often joy in simplicity, as illustrated by this humble cake, which is topped with a sweet mixture of butter, sugar, and almonds. I purchased one off a surface dwarf merchant who assured me that it would be well received by any companion. According to him, even the Hero of Ferelden purchased a few for this very purpose. Of course, for me, traveling alone, this cake isn’t as much a gift as it is a perfect pick-me-up after a long day of travel. But perhaps one day, I’ll have a beloved companion to bake this cake for.

Lamprey Cake

The lamprey is one of Thedas’s more unique-looking creatures, with its long, slender body and toothed, suction-cup mouth. It’s also one that’s seldom found in the kitchen. Unless, of course, the kitchen belongs to Lord Norbert de la Haine, whose fondness for pickled lampreys was just as unfortunate as his desire to conquer the Free Marches.

Given that Lord de la Haine’s tastes were rather singular, it’s better, I think, to bring the lamprey to the dinner table in spirit only. Rest assured, you’ll find none of its noxious flavors in this cake. I’ve limited myself to merely borrowing its shape.

Tevinter Pumpkin Bread

Granted, I didn’t need much tempting to visit Tevinter. After all, how else was I going to sample Dorian Pavus’s favorites? But if I did require some convincing, these wonderful treats would certainly do the trick! Best of all, because the ingredients are so limited, I can share this recipe with more people than ever - provided, of course, I don’t eat the whole pan myself.

Drinks

Lichen Ale

Deep underground, food is easily defined. So long as it’s edible and capable of being scavenged, it’ll eventually find its way into someone’s stomach. That being said, the surface dweller’s understanding of the word edible may not exactly align with that of an Orzammar dwarf. The best illustration of this is lichen ale, the drink of choice among the dwarves in Dust Town. Put simply, it is toxic, and I do mean that in the literal sense. In sufficient quantities, it can even overpower the heartiest of dwarven constitutions. As a result, the rest of us must approach this drink with caution. Although most can tolerate a few sips without issues, I think we’d all much rather enjoy a full glass of any beverage–particularly when we’ve made it ourselves. I, therefore, took it upon myself to devise my own rendition of lichen ale, using the dwarven recipe as a base. Now we can all enjoy the look and (most) of the flavors of the original without fear of poisoning ourselves in the process!

The Hissing Drake

During my visit to the Gilded Horn, I chanced upon a group of young men engaged in a contest of sorts. The goal? To drink as many Hissing Drakes as possible in quick succession, with the person who drank the most being crowned victor. Evidently, they’d already had a few drinks before the idea occurred to them, as no sober individual would dare down more than a single glass of the stuff at a time due to its fiery effects on the stomach. In fact, when it comes to ill-advised drinking contests, I’d say this one is a close second to the game Admiral Isabela once played, with participants drinking based on the number of enemies they had. Suffice it to say, that one killed a man. Thankfully, in this case, no one died. But I think the young men managed only two or three servings before they were forced to rush for the nearest balcony, where they were promptly divested of all their pride and bluster. I have no doubt that next time the urge to compete takes hold, they’ll follow my advice and choose a soothing Fereldan ale instead.

Hot Chocolate

Varric isn’t the only one who loves sweets. And, no, I’m not talking about myself; I’m talking about the Iron Bull! Hot chocolate is a particular favorite of his, to the point that it’s practically a necessity. Although the cocoa powder he swears by is sometimes difficult to find, it’s well worth the effort. Add hot milk and some Orlesian guimauves like the Iron Bull does, and you’ll have a drink that’s certain to please. Personally, I’m partial to topping it all off with a bit of whipped cream dusted with cinnamon, but there are many ways to dress up a cup of hot chocolate.

Antivan Sip-Sip

I was warned that this particular drink packs a bit of a bunch. More than “a bit,” I’ll say. Anyone capable of downing an entire glass of this is made of sterner stuff than I! I could scarcely manage more than a small sip each time I brought this to my lips - and that was with the added help of a tall glass of water! Perhaps that’s why it’s called a sip-sip - because each sip of it must be chased by a sip of something else.

Dragon Piss

I really hope the name is figurative. It probably is - or, at least, that’s what I’ll tell myself now that I’ve sampled this less-than-enticingly-named drink. Perhaps the name Dragon Breath would suit it better? After all, it certainly burns like a dragon’s breath - both in the glass and on the way down!

Rivaini Tea Blend

A cup of tea is often the perfect accompaniment for any sweet treat, although it can certainly be enjoyed on its own. Personally, I’d still prefer the added biscuit on the side. Not just because I like desserts–I do, of course–but because it’s great fun deciding which to pair with all the various blends.

When it comes to tea blends, the most famous is probably the classic Rivaini tea blend, a mixture of peppermint, lemon verbena, oregano, and licorice root. It’s a wonderfully soothing combination that’s said to have healing properties. In fact, I believe Empress Celene Valmont I of Orlais takes it throughout the day to alleviate headaches. Given how messy Orlesian politics are wont to be, with chevalier cousins vying for the throne and elven handmaids turned both spymaster and lover, I imagine there must be a pot of the stuff boiling at all times.

The Golden Nug

From the name, I expected this drink to be gold, but it’s actually pink! Evidently, inspiration was drawn from the living creature rather than the golden statue I passed in Haven (of which I’ve heard there is more than one). A base of white Seleney wine sweetened with a splash of West Hill Brandy dilutes the color of the pomegranate juice and mulled raspberries into a softer, pinkish hue. The goal is to imitate the color of a typical nug, after all, not a severely sunburnt one!

The Emerald Valley

The sisters of the Chantry truly make some marvelous creations - namely, the spirit used in this drink. Distilled from over seventy different herbs and flowers, it has a complex, varied flavor positively bursting with all the freshness of an emerald-green valley.

Chasind Sack Mead

After having sampled some Chasind Wildwine, I wasn’t surprised to learn that their mead is equally strong. Some might even call it brutal. For me, the flavors are almost poetic. First, there’s a nearly overwhelming rush of honey, tinged with the sour-sweetness of apple blossoms, that fills the mouth with all the bright warmth of a summer’s day. But as the initial sweetness fades, there comes an unexpected bitterness, reminiscent of the slow decay into fall, then winter. In essence, the turning of the seasons, all in a single cup - well, sack (although you can certainly fancy it up with a stunning decanter, as I’ve done here).

[savi-of-ithaca]

Figured I should ask, what are some fond or interesting memories you have?

oooh do i get an ask in return each time? how delightful of you

welllllll, i guess i'll go youngest to oldest? in the order of memories that come to me

-> in the third grade i was feeding ponies with my classmates and this one pony mistook me for a blade of grass. bit some flesh off my elbow. ow. my teacher was a little more ruffled than me i think, i was fine after it stopped hurting?? had to get 4 shots though

-> it was my aunt's wedding in finland and i had not yet developed inhibition....i fed everyone fresh GRASS on their plates,,,i was laughed at and discovered embarrassment that day. my aunt's cousin's mother tried to comfort me and we couldn't communicate at all due to the language barrier but i don't think i've laughed so hard ever again. we also picked berries in the forest!! such fun.

-> at the same wedding, i think i cried because i thought my aunt looked just like cinderella in her wedding dress and obviously wanted to stand next to her...but the groom got that honour. much to my dismay. now a version of the wedding photo where im really fucking grumpy exists and is framed on my grandparents' wall 😭

-> disneyland, paris. i thought the mickey mouse actor was actually mickey mouse. skipped the whole line in joy. best moment of my baby life

-> when i was summering with my relatives in delhi, there was this little litter of puppies that lived near one of the stalls in the marketplace with their mother. i'd drag my own mother along to see them every single day and somehow wore her down into letting me get my own little pup!! i love bruno

-> i wanted a pomeranian but my dad told me it was far too small and would get hurt in our house because i am rather clumsy, a trait i get from my mother, but amplified. i hesitantly still asked if they had a pomeranian, but the man had said they had pugs. which he claimed were basically the same thing. (not. but im glad.) so then they drove the first little pug here on a fucking SCOOTER and immediately i was in love. the boy was bald. he had NO HAIR on his head and he was still so happy to be here. immediately took him home. tried to name him crystal, dad said that was a stupid name. my friend had told me NOT to name my dog bruno and...well i saw only one thing to do ajshaushs

-> actually we had two guinea pigs, and before that two lovebirds. we didn't want to keep them caged, the birds, so we let them go, but jojo couldn't fly, i think he'd never learnt to iirc? so we had to return him and it was so heartbreaking. but honey was so happy soaring away

-> once when i was littler i liked collecting the dust chalk made. i'd pretend i was brewing concoctions with a little kitchenset and my mom did NOT like cleanup. she was upset and i couldn't for the life of me understand why so i started hiding chalk powder and stressing when i thought she'd find it 😭😭😭😭

-> i adored sudha murthy. i mean loved. i still have stories i remember and that i will tell anyone that hints just the slightest bit of interest in hearing

-> once, my mom told me not to talk to this girl because she thought she was a bad influence on me. i told that straight to the girl's face....to this day barely grasp why my mom didn't tell me not to tell her. how was i supposed to know???

-> i once danced while hula hooping to waka waka for a traditional indian religious festival *shudders in what were me and my friend thinking*

-> i used to love holi. loved loved loved it!! colour, water, music, friends, too bone deep tired for it now though i think

-> there was this one guy who made me and my ex very uncomfortable with weird comments so we just decided to make him uncomfortable back. ended up slighlty stealing his identity

-> more recent, i love making gifts for people. love it so much, my last gifts have been these neat potion bottle things i could show you if you'd like, photos edited to look like polaroids of favourite moments, coupons for hugs and stuff, my favourite memories come from seeing the looks on their faces as they received them. i live for personalised gifts.

-> in the second grade i wrote a story, i just wrote, no plot or really anything to interest you but my english teacher read it each time and gave me notes on the grammar and always encouraged me, which was a very sweet thing to do for a child. definitely encouraged me to write more

-> i used scribble on used paper, literally scribble lines, because that's how adults' handwriting looked to me. then my mom would pretend to grade it. i really do have good childhood memories if i look hard enough

i spoke way too much but i have so many memories to share and if you really are interested, i could always tell you more, and/or you can ask me any multitude of questions <3

[sephirthoughts]

2 and 5 for the ask meme please

yayyy inbox games!!! dee is getting so tagged in one of these

2. an excerpt of my writing that makes me laugh

i happen to think i am very funny, but only a few things i've written have made me actually laugh aloud. among them are pretty much every interaction between tom and fred in the fic i wrote in my friend's universe. actually the whole fic is pretty good even if you don't know the original universe. 😂 the scene i excerpted is basically a normal office situation but these two idiots are trying to keep their co-worker from leaving work early

Today, the two materialized in front of his desk, yet again. This time to ask for his draft picks for the office fantasy foosball league. They even came armed with an elaborate, full-color bracket, drawn on a huge piece of white paper, pinned to a corkboard. All the available players were represented by sticky-notes with their names on them. “I’ve never heard of the office having a fantasy foosball league,” he said doubtfully. “Actually, I never heard of there being a pro-foosball team.” “Well, it’s definitely real and not something we made up,” Fred assured him. “Look at the big board!” Felix was looking at it. He couldn’t not look at it. It was currently blocking his path to the exit. But…they’d clearly worked very hard on it, so he may as well humor them. He’d just pick some players at random and then get out of here. “Ok, I guess I’ll take Peter Venkman and…Egon Spengler?” Felix gave them a look. “Are you guys serious?” “It’s a coincidence,” Fred said deadpan. “Yeah, lot of people named Peter and Egon in the world, don’t think about it.” Tom urged. “We gotta give everyone in the office a chance to play, so make it snappy.” “This one says Marty McFly.” “Ooh, fantasy…foosball?” Marjorie said, pausing as she passed by. “Is that a real thing?” “Beat it, Marjorie! This doesn’t concern you!” Tom said, trying to block the board, by standing in front of it with his arms spread. Marjorie planted her hands on her hips and stood her ground. “I just heard you say you were giving everyone in the office a chance to play! Are you excluding me because I’m a woman?” “No, it’s because you’re an accounting nerd, nerd!” Fred fired back. “No nerds allowed!” “What about Felix?” she retorted. “He’s a programmer. He’s like, a thousand times nerdier than me! Look at him, he’s probably still a virgin!” “Aw…come on,” Felix said, to which no one paid any attention.

5. an excerpt of my writing with a description i'm proud of

oh man this is harder. i don't think my descriptions are my strong suit. i'm proud of this one, though! i think it's pretty good! it's from a fic i wrote for Death Stranding and i just now realized is four years old

Towers of ice rose like jagged teeth from the black ocean, where they creaked and cracked with each swell and lull of its surface. The waves broke and dispersed into foam across the slate-colored sand, drawing back to rise and fall and break again, performing the steps of their endless dance with the serene forbearance of infinity. At the shoreline, an old man stood, gazing out over the timeless sea. Though years had stripped the mane from his hoary head, gnarled his hands and mottled his skin, he stood unbowed, his thin, bony shoulders thrown back and his bald head held high. For he had lived a life upon which he could indeed look back with well-earned pride. He had lived honestly and simply. Kept his own by the labor of his hands, and shared generously with others from what bounty nature bestowed. He had given much and taken little, loved and lost and suffered the slings and arrows of fortune without bitterness of heart. Though he had done no great deed of heroism, nor fought valiantly in any war, he would take his place among his fathers unashamed.

[golbrocklovely]

i saw someone on twitter seriously have a go bc snc were focusing more on their social life than their professional life. like what? thats insane. they’ve worked 24/7 for the last 10 years. they deserve to enjoy themselves for a while.

and i have to laugh. people saying theyre going to stop watching snc and laugh as their careers fumble? babes, if they depended solely on yt views for income they’d be uploading far more frequently. besides, they have 12 million followers and easily bag a million views on a video in the first 24 hours. a few dozen fans boycotting them is not going to make even an ounce of difference. but hey, if it makes you feel better, all power to you. (“you” being those fans ofc). not to mention they have investments and other business endeavours outside of youtube. your online hissy fit will do jack shit. (again, “you/your” being those fans)

:)

i think that's the thing i find so funny about this fandom. first off almost 99% of the drama is started by twitter. or at the very least they're the loudest at all times. they also think a lot of us feel the same way as them just bc it's an echo chamber over there. so when they all start calling snc out on something or think that that everyone feels the same way, they feel like they are making an impact by saying they'll leave or stop supporting if snc don't meet their demands.

and babes, if you really aren't enjoying your time here, you can go. it's fine. no one is holding a gun to your head and telling you to stay. but don't expect snc to do everything you want them to do. it's just not gonna happen.

sometimes i don't get this fandom. bc look, when i was here back in 2020/21, i got some of the backlash that the boys were facing. i understood parts of it, for sure. but there was a lot, and i do mean a lot, of extra shit that went on that made it much worse. and that side of the fandom… they cried wolf too many times. you don't get to do that repeatedly and then think that snc are gonna stick around to actually hear what you gotta say.

and especially rn, what exactly are ppl pissed off about?? bc look, you wanna say you miss when they were posting a lot more, sure. i get that. i miss them posting more often too. but you gotta also realize maybe WHY they aren't posting so much. and blaming their new gfs isn't one of those reasons.

they have explained that they basically had little to no personal life at one point, that all they were doing is working. that they didn't get to spend time with their friends or gfs bc they were working so much. sam, the man that never addresses drama, is asking fans to cool it. he full on said that he was miserable a year or so ago bc of all the stress he was under. and then colby, the man that doesn't cry ever, had a full on break down in 2022. and didn't even admit it until midway thru 2023. he doesn't read comments anymore bc they get so bad sometimes. or how about that colby even stated that he didn't even want to tell this fandom that he had cancer bc he knew how everyone would react if he went bald………. what does that tell you???? that we aren't trustworthy. that snc feel the need to pull back bc we are all toxic.

at what point do we turn the mirror on ourselves and realize hey, maybe i've taken things too far??

and reality is, a LOT of this only popped up once they both got gfs. a lot of fans say those two aren't to blame or they're not upset or they don't actually want to date snc, but at the end of the day them finding someone to love was the straw that broke the camels back. and you gotta sit back and wonder why does seeing snc happy make me upset and want to leave?? (if someone reading this is one of those fans)

bc rn, i'm more into snc than i have been in a while. i want to see them happy and healthy and enjoying life. sure, colby being in his feels (or sam even) was a fun time, sure. i love me some balcony tweets. but at the end of the day, i don't want him jaded and unable to find love again. why the fuck would i wish that on someone i love dearly??? same with sam. sure. i can joke about kat and how i want her new song to tear him a new one, but i still want him to be happy. i want him to be able to move on from his relationship with her. and that's not a cut at her. no one should be stuck feeling like shit. take it from the person that has been like that for years and still really is in one way or another: i wouldn't wish heartache on my worst enemy. so why would i do that to someone i say i care about??

but back to your ask lol

yeah, the twitter fandom thinks it's all high and mighty but it lost that spark by 2022. their words mean nothing, snc have pulled back bc that side of the fandom sucks (but also bc they want a break), and now they are facing the consequences of their actions and don't like it. womp womp. there's still almost 12 million of us babes. a couple 100 of you leaving ain't gonna do shit.