#i've literally never finished anything ever before so i'm proud of myself for knowing i have the means to do that now

[fabcreature]

right at the beginning of music school is actually a fantastic time to think "really when was the last time making music or working with music made me happy?"

[slvt4em1lyprenti2s]

You don’t have to thank me

Originally published on my wattpad: slvt4em1lyprenti2s

Summary: Emily is feeling a little insecure so reader comforts her.

Word Count: 1.1k

Fluff

Pairings: Emily Prentiss x fem!reader

!NOT PROOFREAD!

You and Emily are dating in secret (even though the team has basically figured it out)

Reader pov:

Today we had the bitchiest little boy in custody. Well, he wasn't a little boy, he was a fully grown man who needs to learn some basic manners and how to act his age. 

He was caught red handed - literally - we caught him mid-stabbing the victim (who thankfully we saved) with blood all over his hand. And yet he still denied he did anything. 

I'm going to smack his smug little face into the wall.

"Hey you okay over there?" I hear Derek say to me that snaps me out of my fantasies of beating the crap outta this guy.

"Yeah. I'm fine, this guy is just pissing me off. Classic misogynist just like we profiled but goddamn. I didn't think anyone could be this bad." I let out an exasperated sigh as Morgan sat down in the chair next to me.

"You know, I've seen you deal with much bigger dickheads than this guy, and you've been totally fine. You know what I think has gotten under your skin so much?" He smirks lightly as he's talking which makes me hesitant to ask what. 

"What? Please do enlighten me." I say trying to stop myself from rolling me eyes at the shit-eating grin he has on his face.

"I think it's because he insulted your little girlfriend." I blush at the mention of Emily and he picks up on it instantly.

"I knew it! Hey, I'm not judging but, I think it may have gotten under her skin too so, go find her! Make her happy." He says with this time a genuine smile on his face as I stand up.

"Just not too happy." There it is. He's back.

"Ha, ha. Will do, but really. Thanks for letting me know." I reply as I walk away.

While I was walking I got held up in my thoughts a bit. Had that dig about her hair really got to her? I mean not that she's not allowed to be vulnerable but, I thought she loved it? Is she not happy with it? 

I'm snapped out of my thoughts as I've reached the meeting room she's in. As if on autopilot I close the door behind me as I step in and walk over and sit on the chair next to her. 

"Hi honey." She mumbles without even looking up, already knowing it was me. She was looking over the case file but, I could tell her head was somewhere else.

"Hey, how are you doing?" I was trying not to push her too much but I need to be able to help her if she is upset so before she could answer I continued. "Morgan told me you were a bit upset, you know, about what the UnSub said. If you are, which you shouldn't be because he's an arse, I just want to let you know that you are absolutely stunning my love and nothing can ever, and will never change that okay?" By this point she's turned her chair so our knees are interlinked and I've grasped her hands as she looks me in the eyes. 

"I'm uhm- I'm not okay." she murmured tearily. I could see the older woman fighting back the tears threatening to spill and my heart breaks. How could someone so incredible, in every aspect of their life, feel so down about themselves? 

"That's okay love, I'm proud of you for admitting that." I smile and squeeze her hands signalling for her to continue explaining why she's upset. 

"The things he said, about my hair and looking old. They really got to me and I don't know why. I just- in all honesty I've never been sure about my decision to stop dying my hair. I mean I don't regret as such I just wish I didn't look so old. I feel like I look like a little old lady and most of all, it's made me think I don't deserve to be with you. You're quite a bit younger than me and you're gorgeous and, me? I'm none of that. So what he said today, just solidified those feeling." By the time she had finished I was wiping the last of her tears off of her cheeks. My heart aches for her and I wished she could see herself the way I see her.

"Sweetheart, please listen to me carefully when I say this. You are the most beautiful woman I know, and you do not look old, you look sexy and trust me, everyone thinks so. You're absolutely stunning em and I honestly wish you could see that. Nothing that twat said today is true, so don't listen to those thoughts saying you're not beautiful or not worthy because you are my love. Please believe me when I say it, let it go in one ear and out the other okay? And if anything, I don't deserve to be with you. You're the most precious person I've ever known and that fact I get to be your girlfriend is the best thing that's ever happened to me. You know what I need and when I need it, you know what I like and what I don't, and you love with your whole heart and Emily, you'll always be my girl no matter what okay?" As I finished my speech she instantly pulled me into a kiss. 

It was slow and sensual, we poured all the emotions we had built up over that day into that kiss but most importantly, it showed me that she believed me. That she loves me and I love her, more than anything in this world.

As we pulled apart my hand was still on her cheek, my thumb caressing her cheekbone. We just sat there for a bit, looking at each other and basking in the other presence before she gently pulled me into a hug.

It was like it was two puzzle pieces slotting together. Her embrace was so comforting and I always feel safe whenever I'm in her arms. 

I pull away and look her in the eye.

"C'mon, let's pack up and get on the jet as soon as we can so we can go home." I say as I take her hand and pull her to her feet after au stand up.

 She presses a soft kiss to my lips before she pulls away and looks me deep in the eyes.

"Love?" She speak softly.

"Yes?" I say.

"Thank you, I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you." she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

"You don't have to thank me honey, it's what I'm here for. I love you too."

[plusultraetc]

Fic Writer Interview

Thank you so much @starlightbelle for tagging me!! If there are any One Piece fans following this blog, I highly recommend Belle's fics!

-- How many works do you have on AO3?

Officially I have 18, but it's 19 if you include the Star Wars au (my beloved). I haven't taken it out of the anonymous collection yet because I promised myself I would only do so when I posted the second chapter, but I still count it in my head!

-- What's your total AO3 word count?

95,613 :') I know that's nothing compared to some writers, but I am unreasonably pleased with it. I'm wondering if I should do something fun when I break 100k, which should hopefully be soon with chapter 2 of 'now i'm glad i get forever' 🤞

-- What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

there's no good tricks but old ones

i'll take what i can get, i'll take what i am given

you've got no fear of the underdog

write me a list of how it is

every battle, every day

-- Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do!! I'm a smidge behind on literally everything this month, but I eventually respond to them all <3 I really do appreciate every single comment, they literally make my entire week and sometimes it takes me so long to reply because I am editing my response four hundred times to take out all of the !!!s.

(I also love getting to talk to others in the fandom, even if it's just for a single exchange--MHA is actually the Most Involved I've ever been in a fandom, and I've met so many really cool people by commenting and replying to comments on fics!! Thank you ao3 comments section, I love you ao3 comments section.)

-- What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Hmmm this is tough bc I don't write a lot of angsty endings, and most of my fics are canon compliant anyway so the angst is relative? With this in mind, it's probably 'there's no good tricks but old ones'--it's one of my only fics where there isn't some kind of emotional breakthrough or connection reached (or even the start of one) and it's pre-Paranormal Liberation War arc so we all know Hawks is headed for A Really Bad Time 😬

-- What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

All of them,, but I did write about Shinsou finding out he'd been accepted into the hero course in 'every battle, every day' which might take the cake (Brian from TAZ voice I'm so proud of them etc)

-- Do you write crossovers?

Do crossovers have to include characters from another media? Bc I've written aus set in other universes, but none of the characters from them appear 🤔

-- Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Thankfully no! I did once receive a comment that was just like. A Statement with no tonal indicators, In All Caps, but I'm 99% sure it was meant to be taken positively. okay 98% sure.

-- Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope! (I also don't read E-rated fics even though I get so many interesting looking recommendations with that rating 😭 If you've ever recommended me an E-rated fic and I just never brought it up again I'M SORRY)

-- Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of?

-- Have you ever had a fic translated?

Also no!

-- Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I think it would be fun :D

-- What's your all-time favorite ship?

It feels like cheating to say erasermic on the MHA blog, but like. I'm going to say erasermic on the MHA blog. I don't think I'd ever written anything for a ship in my life before them. To be loved is to be changed but to have a ship is also to be changed.

-- What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Never say never but rip time travel fic lol.

-- What are your writing strengths?

IF I SAY SOMETHING YOU DISAGREE WITH LOOK AWAY. But. I think I write good dialogue, especially banter, and that I am occasionally funny. I also think I'm pretty good at describing places, but only if I have a clear mental image of them, so I feel like you can always tell when I'm not sure what a room looks like (which is most of the time).

-- What are your writing weaknesses?

Second-guessing and self-doubting myself into genuine writing paralysis. Also internal monologue/narration, like a character thinking about and articulating their feelings :')

-- What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I'm a little confused about this question?? But I also only speak one language fluently so I can't do this anyway 😭

-- What was the first fandom you wrote for?

When my sister and I were kids we used to pick our favorite characters from a bunch of different movies/books/shows and tell stories about them all going on some kind of gigantic crossover adventure, so it was probably something along the lines of 'Scooby-Doo, Batman, and Jedidiah from Night at the Museum vs Firelord Ozai'

-- What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

I have a few Demon Slayer WIPs I'd love to figure out one day!

-- What's your favorite fic you've written?

This question is so hard bc like. Does it mean my favorite fic while I was working on it, or my favorite result? The fic that was easiest to write, or most difficult but most worth it?? The fic I've reread the most, or the fic I'm afraid to reread in case it doesn't live up to the memory I have of it??? Can I do a top 3????

This was so much fun!! (even though it did give me several small crises staring at my stats page--run 'i'll take what i can get, i'll take what i am given,' 'there's no good tricks but old ones' is right behind you!!) No-pressure tagging @machiroads @blinkeasy @kyurilin @karliahs @poppy5991 @ifyougoillfollow and anyone else who sees this & wants to participate!! I was scrolling through my following tab but omg it's a long list so I def missed some writers 😭

[emryses]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @mustlovesteve tysm!! i checked, and turns out i did this last november, too, so this will be a fun little comparison!

1. How many works do you have an AO3? 46!

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 512,645!!!!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

main ones are dead boy detectives & stranger things (specifically steddie lbr) rn!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

you looking at me, looking at you

run your fingers through my hair

you will never be unloved by me (you are too well tangled in my soul) -- i know this one is new!! dead boys ily.

eat me alive

when the party's over

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes! i try my very very best to respond to all of them, especially on newer fics. i usually fall behind on older fics/don't prioritize responding as much, but if there's one that is really kind/really touches me i always make a note to respond.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i've written a lot of depressing shit for the merlin fandom. i think winter always turns to spring might be one of the saddest all around, though.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

my hairdresser!steve fics are the happiest/fluffiest things i've ever written. but most of my fics have a happy ending! i think maybe memoria has one of the happiest tho?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not really. i got One troll comment on a fic a few months ago that i just deleted and blocked lol.

9. Do you write smut?

every once in a while! i don't feel i'm very good at it, so it takes me a loooong time to write it when i do.

10. Do you write crossovers?

not in the traditional sense of combining fandoms, but if my btvs au counts as a crossover then yes?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! winter always turns to spring was translated into portuguese!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no but i've thrown around the idea with friends before (pax....mona....if u see this....hiiiiiii)

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

this is such a rude question tbqh !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm going to default back and say merthur, because they were the one and only and a constant in my life for so long. (steddie and payneland make me so fucking crazy tho)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

there is a steddie wip called "tightly hidden fists" i started in LITERALLY july 2022. it's still sitting in my google docs at 20k+ and i'm starting to doubt if i'll ever finish it. i keep considering signing up for a round of a steddie bang or something but i'm scared to do that to myself again lmfao.

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think i'm very good at dialogue, and getting The Voice of the character down. those things are usually what come to me first when i'm writing.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

for lack of a better word...filler? transitionary bits of fic. i overuse phrases/words like a madman, i also think i am a victim of trying to be too flowery when i can just, like, tone it the fuck down. are those weaknesses????

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

if it's easily translatable sentences (short and sweet, nothing too complicated) i put in the language in italics. (like, bonjour.) but frankly, i tend to avoid putting other languages in my fics. i don't often need to, and since i don't speak any language other than english i don't want to butcher anything if i can help it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

probably the peter pan self insert i wrote many times between the ages of like 8-12.

20. Favorite fics you've written?

fields of gold mention. my love letter to bbcm. i'm also very proud of memoria, my 2023 steddie bang.

low pressure tags for @queerofthedagger @insane-ohwhyfandoms @wolfiery @babyseraphim

[claudiajcregg]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @mihrsuri. Thanks, Lil! I feel like I've answered these in the not-so-distant past, and might have accidentally ignored one or more tags. Oops. I need to check the Mentions tab and check it out!

(I also started writing this… earlier this week, and forgot about the tab. Sorry this is so so long.)

01. how many works do you have on ao3? 24 fics, though one of them has eight ficlets… So some would count it as 31. (It's still 24.)

02. what's your total ao3 word count? 167,815 words

03. what fandoms do you write for? TWW.

04. top five fics by kudos?

maybe everything's just turning out how it should be

(big gulf here)

say it's here where our pieces fall in place

just your smile lit a sixty-watt bulb in my house that was darkened for days

nobody knows how to get back home

we could be the way forward and I know I'll pay for it 

05. do you respond to comments? Yes! I try to get to all of them, and feel bad when I hoard them (because they're lovely) or they slip through the cracks. (I tend to wait some time before replying to the comments on my most recent fic, so if anything comes in later, it might be immediate or two months late.)

06. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I feel like I always struggle with this answer because they're mostly hopeful endings! Which is just my perception and now how it is. Tempted to go check what I've answered in the past.

Most recently, I think what if the way you hold me is actually what's holy has that 'right person, wrong time', on borrowed time vibes. But maybe not! My go-to answer always feels like my post-Portland Trip fic, don't want you to go but I'll be okay, because it feels so final and bittersweet then.

07. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh, which one should I pick? I think the Cali/Jan 22nd fic from earlier this year (oh, and I will be with you to feel the California sun) is just pure happiness, tbh. Memoir fic (still you never took your hand from mine) also feels like a saccharine, sweet ending! (Could've also picked the literal wedding reception-set fic, lol.)

08. do you get hate on fic? No! Luckily. If I have, I don't remember. I've gotten a weird comment or two, but those weren't about the fics. So no!

09. do you write smut? Nooooo, of course not. (This is the last time I'll beg you to read on main and that's under a cut lol.) Up till now I could say it was mild scenes in yet-to-be-posted fics, which remains true, but I posted a literal smutty fic last Friday, lol. I'm proud of it and myself, for getting out of my comfort zone, and while it's flopping I'm glad those who've read it liked it!

10. craziest cross over? This is the question that undoubtedly makes me go “lol I've definitely done this before.” Because I always joke that I've already seen the craziest canon crossovers on screen. That said, I haven't personally written one, and don't have ideas.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? No? Sometimes I wonder if some ideas have been borrowed but wouldn't say stolen.

12. have you ever had a fic translated? No! Maybe one day I'll do it myself. (I don't think there's demand for it/Spanish-written fics in this fandom.) (Once again, I'm sure that this answer matches the previous ones.)

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? Sounds fun! No. But anyone interested? hmu.

14. all-time favorite ship? In what sense? I cannot choose, but at the same time… We all know.

15. what's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I don't like putting this energy out in the universe. It's one thing to post (that's probably a long list) but actual WIPs that are worth it? I want to believe I'll get to them eventually. (But. Unfortunately, the answer is many of them.)

16. what are your writing strengths? Internal world? As in, I am “good” at describing the internal world of a character. idk.

17. what are your writing weaknesses? I write in my second language. I feel like everything's a weakness. (World building, descriptions, dialogue.)

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? As long as it doesn't take the reader out (and makes sense in the story), 👍 I might have peppered in some Spanish in some of my writing but it feels wrong somehow.

19. first fandom you wrote in? Bones.

20. favorite fic you've written? I cannot pick a favorite child. I can affectionately call them flops because they mostly are, stats-wise, but there's something about them that I love. And I feel like some of my favorite stuff is what's not yet posted! Because it stops feeling “mine” once it's out there.

don't want you to go but I'll be okay · Portland fic · my automatic answer because I felt it was special the second I finished it. So many things came together (that quote, particularly).

we could be the way forward and I know I'll pay for it · St Augustine, a precanon campaign fic ·(Any of the first four (posted in 2021) is super special to me. This one was another one I knew would be special. And it has big “there wouldn't be this if there hadn't been you” energy.

your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep · (3+1 fic set in the last third of S7, ft the press corps) · Taylor sang KOMH on N2 because she loved this. I just know it. (I just really love secret relationships/working around that S7 period so much.)

nobody knows how to get back home · itsotg missing scen) · I just like it a lot, and it's also a good candidate for angsty ending. When did it get so many kudos?!

maybe everything's just turning out how it should be · big block of cheese 2008 · felt disingenuous not to include the fic I always knew I wanted to post, even if it's another early one. It's my most popular by a huge margin, and I'm glad.

I so wanted to add fics like the Cali one but this always depends on my mood! So this is the answer that might always change haha.

Shoutout to some unposted ones that I love but won't get published. Or others perpetually in limbo, like the two big multichapters (IM and S5 pregnancy). I feel like some of my best stuff is in What Once Was Ours (the IM AU fic I wrote in 2021), or the S5 Pregnancy AU (which I hope to finish this summer! And I want to start posting once I feel like I'll make that deadline)… And I'm currently really fond of one I've started to call “demons that you know raise hell worse than a stranger.” Coming to you soon, if I get my crap together!

[sluttyhenley]

twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by: @redbelles 💖

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

54

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

303,100

3. what fandoms do you write for?

recently? 911, top gun and uhhhh masters of the air... (but if you ever check out my ao3 you will see several fandoms)

4. top five fics by kudos

my heart is working over time

is forever enough

lover be good to me

a twister to blow everything down

when one plus one equals three

5. do you respond to comments?

sometimes it takes me a while but yes, i love getting comments and so i like to make sure i actually reply when someone takes the time to talk to me about my fic

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

until the shadows fall, which is uhh, one of the earlier fics i wrote and my writing has definitely . . . . evolved since writing it, but. yeah, it is the angstiest ending i've written. actually, though, i'm going to mention the sound of glass, because yeah, that one is a close runner up

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

probably put a hold on my heart. if it's not the happiest ending it's definitely the sappiest ending

8. do you get hate on fics?

i have gotten hate on two separate fics

9. do you write smut?

ha. hahahahaha. stares for a long time at like..... 3 of my top 5 fics by kudos. and two of my most recently posted fics. and my mota fic that's upcoming. yeah... . .

10. craziest crossover:

i've only written one crossover, leverage and the old guard in the immortals job (the craziest one i ever conceptualized though was prob an idea to cross over star trek and doctor who)

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

nope!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, but i have tossed story ideas back and forth with people

14. all time favorite ship?

i refuse to (read: can't) answer this

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i have . . . . . a few. and they're fics that i started for a source that i don't want anything to do with anymore

16. what are your writing strengths?

@redbelles has a first row seat to this but because of what i'm trying to do right now, all of my writing feels weak. but i'm trying to remind myself that as your writing evolves you feel less confident in your abilities regardless of the accuracy of that feeling. but i think i'd say ummm characterization and humor

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

me @ me: for $1 pick literally any other word/phrase/imagery device. for god's sake

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i won't do it except under very specific circumstances, such as actually having a reasonable proficiency in the language. i did pepper some french phrases in a book of nile fic a while back

19. first fandom you wrote in?

the librarians is the first fandom i actually posted fic i wrote for. but i did write some doctor who fic before that i a) never finished and b) don't actually want to see the light of day

20. favorite fic you've written?

probably put a hold on my heart. i put a lot of work into that one, and handwrote the whole thing. it was my baby for the better part of a year and i'm really proud of some of the things i did there.

tagging: @reachingforaspark, @ladywaffles, @shoesplease, @sindirimba, and @natashatrace (if you want!)

[mistressheroine]

author interview

Thank you for the tags @gneebee & @im-immortal

Happy New Year everyone!

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

6

2. what's your total AO3 word count?

43,408

3. what fandoms do you write for?

The Walking Dead - Beth Greene/Daryl Dixon

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

Keep Me

A Stolen Moment

La Dame Blanche

I'll Be Home For Christmas

Something

5. do you respond to comments?

Yes, and I try my best to respond to every comment I get. I massively appreciate all the support and feedback I get so I try my best to acknowledge that.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Something was definitely the angstiest thing I've written so far, although I do have a second part for La Dame Blanche in my notes that would probably beat it...

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I Want Your Midnights probably 😉

8. do you get hate on fics?

No, thankfully I haven't had any hate directed my way since I started posting earlier this year but I know it happens.

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

I want Your Midnights was my first attempt at writing smut and I gotta say I'm so proud of how it turned out. Writing smut always made me really nervous but once I got started it was actually so much fun and it's defintely something I plan to do again.

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

No, and I don't have any plans to.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

No.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, although it sounds like it coulld be fun!

14. what's your all-time favourite ship?

Beth & Daryl - I am literally never getting over them.

15. what's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a lot of ideas jotted down, snippets of fic ideas or scenes rather than stuff in my WIPs. I do intend to get around to them all eventually. I did have a whole Beth Lives idea that I came up with a while ago about her going back to the farm but I think it's more likely that the idea is going to get incorporated into Keep Me at some point rather than it growing into it's own story.

16. what are your writing strengths?

Oh wow, I don't know. I'm not very good at critquing myself. Hopefully keeping them as much in character as I can?

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Right now I feel like action sequences (I'm trying to write some action sequences for the latest chapter of Keep Me) - creating the right vibe for them and building the suspense. I also think sometimes I'm in danger of repeating the same words a lot when describing something. Having the confidence to trust myself once I've written something out as well, I do look to @im-immortal for a lot of reassurance and I massive appreciate her taking the time to read the stuff I send to her 😊

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I did a bit of this in La Dame Blanche but I don't think I'd ever be confident enough to use more than a few words at a time. Google translate is notroious for messing stuff up and I wouldn't want to do it if I wasn't confident that I was getting it right.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

Alias on FF.net - I post one very short fic there once and then Something was originally posted over there back in 2014 but I didn't write anything from then until earlier on this year.

20. favourite fic you've written?

Keep Me has my heart right now because it's the biggest thing I've ever attempted, but writing I Want Your Midnights was so much fun and really made me feel more confident as a writer.

A lot of you have been tagged already so sorry if I'm tagging you again but anyone who wants to join in please do! @burningupasun @boltthrutheheart @sasusc @fairybellworld

[cj-the-random-artist]

For the Artist Ask Game: 5 and 16? :D

Hi! I. Blatantly forgot about this. Hilariously. And had to go digging for that ask game again. Anyways, answers to your questions:

5: What piece of art are you still proud of to this day?

Evidently, I don't have a copy of it on the computer that I'm on right now, cuz I made it long before I got this one, but it's the one of Elven Scar from season 9 sitting in front of his giant tree starter base. It's from like 2021 I wanna say?? Very green. That said, it's definitely one of my generally better pieces, it's pretty nice compositionally and it has pretty good perspective and lighting and stuff and it reads well small, which is nice. Out of all the art I've made in the past several years, that has to be one I'm quite proud of.

There is another one that I'm quite proud of as well, from early 2022 that I never posted cuz it was an OC piece- but I drew one of my OCs lying in a bed of roses and bones and I hand drew hundreds of roses twice over in my sketchbook and then digitally. It literally took a month for me to finish it and I'm also quite proud of that one, though I don't plan to post it as of now.

16: What is something you used to struggle to draw with confidence / ease, but have now mastered?

This is an interesting one, because I,,, don't think I've mastered,,, anything?? I don't think there's anything that I can sit down and draw with 100% consistency every time and I don't know that I'll ever get there. Which is okay with me, because I don't care about technical mastery in the ways I used to. I'm gonna make art fun for myself again, so help me.

Sorry it took so long for me to get to this. I genuinely just forgot lol. Anyways. Have a good one lovelies :D

[kagedbird]

Ao3 20 questions!

Tagged by: @azures-grace I tag: @bamsara @argisthebulwark and anyone else! (I can't remember who writes solely on Tumblr or not, sorry for not tagging you if you do write on Ao3 as well!!)

1 – How many works do you have on AO3?

-Currently 16.

2 – What's your total AO3 word count?

-Currently 800,424. (Will change for sure on the 15th haha.)

3 – What fandoms do you write for?

-Skyrim, Five Nights at Freddy's / Security Breach, Undertale, Divinity Original Sin 2, and Baldur's Gate 3.

4 – What are your top five fics by kudos?

-Precious People, Four Makes a Family, That Little Thread, My Neighbor Mr. Roboto, and Forgive Me, for I Have Sinned. (Greatest to least in the top five.)

5 – Do you respond to comments?

-I try to respond to every comment I can, but some I just don't know how to respond to! I'm mentally kissing every commenter on the head though. Mwah.

6 – What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

-Angstiest ending? I don't know if I've ended anything super angsty, despite my love for the genre. I prefer hurt/comfort. Can't say I can answer this one.

7 – What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

-Oh, That Little Thread for sure. But only because TESSDE isn't remotely finished haha. But I'm still very proud of how TLT came out. :)

8 – Do you get hate on fics?

-I have had a stray hate comment here and there, but I just meme and dab on the haters until they die from their own cringeness. #HatersLoveMe

9 – Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

-...The smut kind? I'm not sure I understand. Read 'You're a Feisty One, Aren't You? I Like That', if you need specifics, I guess. (Only if you are above age obviously.)

10 – Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

-Oh my god I used to on FFNET. I don't think it's crazy, but even before I discovered FFNET, my friend got me into writing crossovers, and it was a massive Inuyasha, Fruits Basket, Code Geass, and Death Note combination with self inserts. I miss it, it was a good stupid time, haha.

11 – Have you ever had a fic stolen?

-I've had people try to tell me they can't get writing down correctly, and oh, would you mind helping me write this out? What about this? Until slowly I'm literally writing their story and they're POSTING IT ONLINE. ON Ao3/FFNET. LIKE. A PARAGRAPH AT A TIME.

INSANITY.

But also I was one of the first few people who had the Ao3 scalpers target their fics, but I have no idea if someone is out there on Wattpad or something using my shit. I don't self search, so I do not know.

12 – Have you ever had a fic translated?

-Nope!

13 – Have you ever co-written a fic?

-Yes! Not on Ao3 though. (Ah good old days of middle school and writing dumb things with friends.)

14 – What's your all-time favorite ship?

-I'm a self shipper by trade, I'll admit it. But I was a very big Sesshoumaru / Kagome shipper in my baby years. Now I lean more towards Loid / Yor. Love those idiots.

15 – What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

-TOO MAN TO NAME. I REGRET LEAVING ANY FIC UNDONE, BUT I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GO BACK. The past is in the past and it's time is over, unfortunately.

16 – What are your writing strengths?

-Focusing on characterizations and researching accuracies for making things logical not only in the fantasy realm but also reality. I love combining the two and giving people a little educational lesson along side their story time. It pleases me to teach others new things and myself. I also think my pacing has gotten a lot better over the years.

17 – What are your writing weaknesses?

-I tend to structure things differently than most people, and genuine writing formats— even using em dashes, I never learned until this year the difference between it and a hyphen— so it comes across as lesser than other people's writing, I think. Less polished. I like bouncing things around textually, having breaks in spots to let the mind "breathe" in between words or phrases to try and give it a bigger impact, but it weakens actual structures sometimes.

That and word choices. I'll be stuck for ages on what word to use. I hate repeating words or phrases, so it'll take me longer than necessary to just choose a damn word.

18 – Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

-I've done it many times and think it's fine! I use translators because I am unfortunately only educated in English (and my brain has difficulties learning other languages), but I try my best and do ask around friends if things are accurate if they speak the language.

If you're not sure what it says, just translate it through a friend or Google. Or, read the bottom AN to see if the author translated it for you. I grew up with American's using broken Japanese in their fanfics, you think I'd see dual languages any different? Lol.

19 – First fandom you wrote for?

-Inuyasha? Naruto? Crossover? I don't remember!

20 – Favorite fic you've written?

-Biased. 'The Elder Scrolls Skyrim: DragonBard Edition', otherwise known as TESSDE. It's my bread and butter, my longest length story, and one I would die to complete. We're technically half way there in terms of arcs, but definitely not in chapters, haha. I look forward to the day it's complete, and I hope others enjoy it too.

-

Below are the questions to copy and paste for yourself!

1 – How many works do you have on AO3?

2 – What's your total AO3 word count?

3 – What fandoms do you write for?

4 – What are your top five fics by kudos?

5 – Do you respond to comments?

6 – What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

7 – What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

8 – Do you get hate on fics?

9 – Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

10 – Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

11 – Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12 – Have you ever had a fic translated?

13 – Have you ever co-written a fic?

14 – What's your all-time favorite ship?

15 – What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

16 – What are your writing strengths?

17 – What are your writing weaknesses?

18 – Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

19 – First fandom you wrote for?

20 – Favorite fic you've written?

[ticktockmyclockworkhart]

I'm perhaps one of the most easy to please Pokemon fans ever. I wouldn't identify myself as a nintendo fanboy or anything even though I love a lot of their IPs (largely because the number one prerequisite to being a "nintendo fanboy" is hating Nintendo more than anything on earth it seems), but I will be the first to admit my standards are much lower than they should be. I eat up everything Pokemon related like the blindly eager little consumer I am, I've beaten every main series game and damn near every spin-off.

All this to say I think it says something when even I haven't beaten BDSP yet, and not for lack of trying. But the game bored me to tears. I've reset my saves on that game more than any other I have in the hopes that "well, maybe the next file I'll be more attached to". I can eat my way through new Pokemon games when they first come out in a few days and never put them down, but whenever I'd put BDSP down I'd have to reset my file again when I picked it back up because I no longer cared about whatever I had going on.

I've been grappling with this for a long time, trying to figure out what it is about this remake that makes it the one Pokemon game someone as easy to please as me couldn't care enough to finish. I'll be fully honest when I say I'll happily take whatever table scraps Game Freak cares to toss me and I'm not proud of that fact lol. I love Gen 4, it's one of my favorite Gens, and I actually like the BDSP artstyle too, I think it's a fun way to keep the spirit of the original games, though it really would have been cool to see Sinnoh at full scale and free to explore in 3D.

But today after another attempted replay I think I figured it out. It's the dumb. Fucking. Experience Share.

Pokemon is a turn based RPG, battling is literally the main gameplay loop and I found that I kept putting the game down because I would get so incredibly bored by the battles. None of them felt necessary and all of them felt way too damn easy. Pokemon Scarlet/Violet had this problem too, I noticed, but what got me to finish those games was I'd never experienced the story before and I wanted to see it finished. But with BDSP I know the story, so why should I finish it if the battles are such a drag? In the original Gen 4 I'd make a point of battling every trainer on every route. I'm very meticulous about my leveling and my Pokemon all need to be within one level of each other, lol. So my incentive for fighting every trainer was to keep my team at a high enough level and also to keep my levels rounded out. But with that EXP share they're always rounded, or god forbid they have different growth rates and I have to keep putting Pokemon away to prevent overleveling which just bothers my OCD more than anything lmao.

It also makes me care so much less about my Pokemon. I cared about my team because I took time to individually raise and train each Pokemon, and if I don't care about my Pokemon then frankly I barely care about the game. In Scarlet/Violet where trainer battles have become entirely optional for the most part I barely did any of them! And in BDSP all I am is annoyed by the trainer battles. There's next to no new content to keep the game interesting and give me a reason to keep playing, and when the main gameplay loop isn't even fun anymore, why would I play at all?

I was worriedly thinking that maybe I'm just getting old and it's hampering my enjoyment of the games (Terrifying thought) but I have just as much fun with ROM hacks that I did with older games. Most notably, there's no broken EXP share. Can't we at least get the option to turn it off? I get trying to find a solution to make grinding less of a miserable drag, because grinding is always the worst part of playing Pokemon, but the broken exp share hasn't made grinding less tedious, it's just made battling as a whole feel hollow and boring.

I still want to beat you some day, BDSP, I really do. Nothing makes me feel sadder than being bored by a franchise I love and I know can do better.

[vvatchword]

I'm so concerned that I'll NEVER finish a novel-sized anything.

I mean, technically, I have. I've finished about 23 novel-sized things. It's just that most of them are shitty and the one that wasn't shitty was still... not very good. A very long process, this. But the idea is, I would like to end a story and have that story be good all the way through. This is the dream. Doesn't matter how good the ride is if it terminates in a brick wall.

So my BioShock hyperfixation has been gradually winding down for the past... oh, two months? I have managed to ease my fall by sliding down the fireman's pole of "adjacent interests." Anyway, I'm heading toward a drawer period with this story--totally normal for me. Having a hyperfixation for a literal fucking year is the weird part. Just six more weeks and it will truly be that old. Unfortunately, it's a sign that nothing is quite right in my life, but at the same time, I ain't wastin this fuckin impetus, ok

Now consider this.

A Summer for Saya. TMNT fic. Leorai. Exceptionally cursed. I've known how it ends for years. I have easily written about 150,000 words just trying to get the thing to the finish line. I end up skidding on my face into a compost pile EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

At this point I've formed a goddamn complex about the dumb fucking thing. And by forming a complex about Saya, I've formed a complex about Uprising. I'm terrified I won't complete it correctly or worse--at ALL. There's a reason I haven't posted much of Uprising: I do not want to get hamstrung by feeling like there are Expectations. It's Expectations that get me most hung up--no matter how I try to push them out of my mind.

I know very well what I must do: ease up :) Relax :)) Think about what's gonna be fun. Forget everybody but myself. Turn on the good music (or none at all). Go to a strange, new, and/or comfortable place and write with a coffee and a biscotti. Follow my excitement, my passion, whatever interests me. Go re-read some old comic books. Just read some books full-stop. Try to get excited about it. And so on.

It's at times like this that I remember a scene from Rick and Morty in that stupid-ass "Get Schwifty" episode, where Rick tells Morty that he has to stop worrying because that just fouls up the creative process. Granted, the final product is, "Take a shit on the floor," which may be a sort of wisdom in its own way, but I can't even take the goddamn shit. It's impossible to trick myself. I have no idea what to do. I am my own worst enemy.

One of the problems that hit me with Saya was that its drawer period came RIGHT AT THE END. Just right there at the climax. I was just done. We needed space from each other. And every time I come back, I'm just not able to get back into the right headspace.

So right now I feel like I have got to try and finish Only Man before the drawer slams shut or I may hit the same horrible, impermeable wall. My biggest fear is that it'll turn into a forever wall. This forever block. My own ability to screw up my own creative process so goddamn badly that nothing ever ends and I'm just writing and writing forever.

It may be good for me on a private level, but I'd love to share my work someday, you know? I'm proud of these things for a goddamn reason.

[aristi-achaion]

[20 Question Fic Writer Tag]

tagged by @johaerys-writes hehe ❤️

How many works do you have on AO3? 35!

What is your AO3 word count? 321,184 (that's nearly a book)

What fandoms do you write for? Right now, primarily for Patrochilles (TSOA/Hades game/classic lit), but I've also written for a bandom I'm in :)

What are your top five fics by kudos? Chronos, The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, I Can't Believe I've Met You, I'm So Blessed You're Mine, and A Welcome Threatening Stir!

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Yesss absolutely! I try to respond to every comment, even if it's from an older fic. I love hearing what people have to say, and seeing that they enjoyed the story is what makes me keep writing haha

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? This is easy because I don't think I've ever written something angstier than I Know I Always Said That I Could Never Hurt You, it's the only fic I've ever tagged "hurt no comfort"

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Another easy one, Chronos!! I was only too happy to give them everything they deserved and more by the end of this fic, they'd been through too much haha

Do you get hate on fics? I don't think I've ever gotten *true* hate, mostly just people yelling at me because I've made Achilles suffer haha but I like strong emotions, it means i'm going my job correctly!

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yes, always. It's mostly pretty vanilla stuff, but I experimented with writing some kinkier stuff with Cuffed.

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? I've never written one!

Have you ever had a fic stolen? No, but there was one time where someone posted my fics on a different website without permission. They gave me credit, but I believe the site was taken down or at least the fics were deleted (some kind of bootleg ao3??)

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! I've had a fic translated into Spanish, and I've been asked if someone could translate different fics into Russian and another language :)

Have you ever cowritten a fic before? Yes, I haven't in a long time but I had a really fun time cowriting! I wrote the Rocket Man series with an incredible author :) It's fun to bounce ideas off another person and see how your writing styles merge and evolve together!

What's your all-time favourite ship? Favorite ship to write about is definitely Patrochilles, but I've been reading a ton of Firstprince lately, they're like a comfort ship for me haha

What's a WIP you'd like to finish but doubt you ever will? I started writing a cowboy au back when I finished school, wrote a couple thousand words for it and then just dropped it. I want to finish it though!!! I just don't know when I'll get to it, and I don't live in the country anymore so I don't have a lot of inspiration lol

What are your writing strengths? Probably writing intense emotions, and having my characters go through some truly distressing moments. I'm a cancer so I like to pride myself on being in touch with my emotions lol

What are your writing weaknesses? Description, and the fact that I struggle with getting a story started. Part of me always wants to pull an Ernest hemingway and just describe the scenery for a couple hundred words before I do anything, and I don't know what to do to fix that lol

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I like adding it if I'm comfortable with the other language or have a person who speaks the language to consult with. I think it's great when you want to emphasize the place/culture the characters come from, but when the translations aren't right there it can become a little tedious lol

First fandom you wrote for? Bandom fics, I don't want to say it but it literally might be McLennon 🥲

Favourite fic you've ever written? Honestly... This is tough. Because Chronos is definitely my most popular fic and I'm very proud of it. But there's also a few that I had so much fun writing, like This Side of Paradise, that almost felt inspired when I was writing it. That one is definitely the most sickeningly romantic fic I've ever written, another I'm very proud of. I also actually really love I Know I Always Said That I Could Never Hurt You, because I was able to incorporate a lot of actual text from the Iliad into it, and I think I did a really good job!!

This was so fun!!!!! Thank you Jo ❤️

[bluestringpudding]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank you @silently--here and @uncannycerulean for the tags!

How many works do you have on AO3?

19 (+ 1 that's waiting to be revealed for a fest)

What's your total AO3 word count?

329,661 😳

What fandoms do you write for?

Just Harry Potter. Maybe I should diversify?

What are your top 5 fics by Kudos?

Live like common people Dramione/Draco pretending to be a muggle (88,794 words)

How did we get here? The sequel to the above, aka Draco wishing he could still just pretend he was a muggle. (153,536 words)

Dragons Only The Draco/Charlie drabble (289 words)

A Song of Ice and Fire and Awkward Ex Boyfriends The other Dramione, this time with dragons. 🐉(20,272 words)

Just a Minerva in time The MinMione time travel one (6,460 words)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! Unless you're an absolute arsehole, and even then, I would rather reply (but only if I can come up with an appropriate retort). Why? Because I love the interaction. Getting a comment, no matter how small, will always make my day. So, it feels right to at least say thanks. Also, I met one of my now good friends through us chatting in our fics' comments. So who knows what might come of it.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm, probably One Last Cup.

What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I've not written the ending yet, but it's going to be How Did We Get Here? If only because I have become waaayyy too attached to all of the characters to give them anything but.

Do you get hate on fics?

It's not quite hate, and I know it could be worse, but How Did we get here? garners some pretty strong reactions. They're a downer.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I've only published very mild smut, but I have written more explicit stuff since, and some of it is in the next chapter I'm publishing, and I'm scared.

Do you write crossovers?

No, I struggle enough with one fandom. Huge respect to the people who manage it

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nah. They're not good enough for that.

Have you ever co-written a fic?

Yes! Three actually. Idle in Kangaroo Court W1, for the mixed up writer fest. We ran out of steam, so it's unfinished, but I keep promising myself I'm going to finish it one day. Then two more with some friends, one short one for the rare pairs fest, that will be revealed soonish. Then one long fic that 3 of us a writing, which is err... in progress.

What's your all time favourite ship?

Call me a basic bitch, but I will always be such a sucker for Dramione.

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I have a really unhealthy stubborn streak that won't let me leave things unfinished, so hopefully none. Though Idle in Kangaroo Court is most at risk, because its been so long (and I feel I have to reach out to my co-author to check they don't mind, and my social anxiety is one of the few things that trumps my stubbornness).

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue. I keep thinking I should try writing something as a script.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions and flowery language. I have to work hard at imagining visuals, so a lot of the time I don't. And I'm too literal to do well with metaphors.

Thoughts in writing dialogue in another language?

I've never really had any before. I guess I don't mind it in small amounts, if the meaning can be inferred from context or reactions. It's annoying if you miss something by not understanding what it means.

First Fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter

Favourite fic you've written?

Oh god, that's like asking me to chose between my children! Live Like Common People will always have a special place in my heart, as it was my first and the characters will forever live rent free in my head.

But also, I'm most proud of Tattletail, because I think it is technically my best piece of writing.

Tagging anyone who wants to play, as I suspect I'm one of the last of my mutuals to get round to this.

[nsuyeula]

Today is finale day for Nancy Drew.

I've attempted to keep myself busy, not let the sadness envelope me at the loss of somthing so precious to me. But at some point you have to stop moving, so I thought I would be sappy here on main cos so many other fans are, and reading everyone's experiences has shown me that I'm not the only person this show has touched so deeply.

I was rather late finding this show. Here in the UK, we don't have the CW network, though to be honest I don't watch a lot of cable anyways. It was simply by chance that a gifset was reblogged onto my dash, one of the morning-after scenes from 3x13. The softness of Nancy and Ace in that scene melted my asexual heart, and then I read the tags and saw it was from a show called Nancy Drew.

The Nancy Drew games were some of my earliest experiences with video games, my aunt for my Birthday and Christmas would buy me games from a site called Big Fish and install them onto my PC, and one of the ones she brought was a Nancy Drew game. Visual Novels, Point and Clicks, and Mystery Games are still a core part of my tastes as a gamer, even as I branched out into more modern, AAA games and the growing indie market.

So I downloaded the show, and watched it while running raids on an MMO - and I was instantly in love. It's difficult for me to find the mental capacity to consume media - particularly anything new - but the story telling, mystery and characters kept me hooked and guessing every episode, and by the time I had finished watching it, I was inspired in a way I had never been before.

At the time, I was working a corporate admin job, one I had been working ever since I had turned 18. I was a collage dropout with no grades, complex mental health issues, and PTSD from abuse, which caused me to lose a good few many years of my life just trying to stablisie. This show came into my life when I was starting to find a footing, and wanted to do more after all those years lost.

I began writing, creating narratives for characters I long had ideas for; fanfics that made me connect with fans; and fanart I used as opportunities to push myself out of my comfort zone of drawing.

It made me realise that I was discontent with where I was, and that what I wanted to do was create. I left my job to pursue art. Things didn't go according to plan, but the show was there for me throughout it and I kept writing and drawing even when I was in recovering from almost dying thanks to pancreatitis - 7 fics in 7 days is something I will forever be proud of but will never repeat.

And then I made the decision to apply to Uni, despite my disabilities and having no grades. I applied with a portfolio that featured the fanart and fanvids I made for this show, and I got accepted - now I will be going to learn how to make games, with the aim to make ones like the Nancy Drew games that got me into gaming as a kid.

I found a fandom that I wanted to engage with, even when I was bad at doing so.

I made my own merch because I was sad there was nothing official.

And now, even with this show ending, I will keep going forward with the spark this show ignited within me - and maybe I'll get to tell my own tale with this crew someday, you never know.

Thank you to the cast and crew, and to the fans, for quite literally changing my life

[nofoxgiven]

OK well now I'm thinking about it a bunch

So my great grandpa died to cancer when I was in 6th or 7th grade, it was the first and to this day, only major death in my life so to say it had an impact on me is a bit of an understatement

First off, he was the only male role model in my life, like ever. My dad walked out on me before i was born, and my step dad was such a piece of shit I never considered him any kind of father figure, just a leach living in the same house who happened to be married to my mother and have donated sperm for my siblings

My mother's father *also* walked out on her

I have a singular uncle, and while he's an awesome guy now, he was literally a teenager unpacking a lot of complex trauma himself while I was growing up

I don't think my family really... worried? At all about the whole lack of male role models thing, I was a girl after all, I can learn everything I need to know from all these women around me

Except I'm not a woman, and it would be really nice to have a standard to hold myself to

For a while I considered my grandpa, he was a veteran, he took care of my grandma, my memories of him are mostly good

But unfortunately he died when I was too young to be smart enough to make sure I got to know him. I know he liked wood working, I've got a rocking horse he made me, it's in our garage. And a half finished dollhouse he started when I was 5, and died before he ever finished it

My memories of him are almost entirely of him in his lazyboy, before things got bad, and then in his hospital bed when they got real bad

I've got maybe a handful of memories from when I was real young before he was old and tired and sick, riding around on the four-wheeler with him in the Alaskan wilderness, helping with chores around the cabin, that sort of thing

But I didn't truly know him, and the more stories I hear from my mom the more... the more I'm glad I didn't? I don't want to sully the memory of the only male rolemodel from my family I've got, so I'll leave it at he was certainly a product of his time, and as an old white Christian man I'm certain you can guess what sort of opinions he held I do not

All this to say I clearly have a complicated relationship with my memory of and the legacy of my great grandpa

I remember pretty clearly the last time I saw him, it was the weekend, we drove the 2 hours to my grandparents house in the literal middle of nowhere

I remember staring at a bowl of soup someone had put in front of me, my great grandma's famous chicken corn chowder. This soup has caused fist fights over who gets to take the leftovers home. I couldn't eat any of it

It was very obvious to everyone this was a final hurrah, grandpa hadn't been talking or doing much of anything for weeks and now he was insisting people come talk to him and making people call family out of state. He knew. We knew.

There was a whole lot of sitting around just hugging people and crying and that's all a blur, but when he called me over, I remember exactly what he said and I think I always will. Some of it I'm keeping close to my chest because that was for me only, but he ended it with "Please add more color to your life"

12 year old me did not take that to heart. I was goth/emo and proud of it and I wasn't about to let some dead old guy tell me how to dress

But I did actually take it to heart. By 9th grade I had a fully rainbow coat from one of those Indian import stores, I wore it every single day of high-school until eventually it fell apart to the point I couldn't. I've worn mismatched brightly colored or rainbow socks just as long. Most of my clothes are still black and gray, but I hang up colorful art all around me, I buy the most colorful water bottle I can find

In a weird way I think it helped me come to terms with my queer identity. I know he didn't mean "go be queer and happy" that man would have disowned me if he had lived long enough to see me go from his perfect granddaughter to a queer freak

But his urging to add color lead to a lot of queer people approaching me in my high-school years. Before I was ready to accept who I was, I was a walking billboard of queerness in my rainbow jacket, and that surrounded me with Trans and bi and lesbian and gay people and every flavor of queer, and gave me the space to explore myself and my identity in a way I might not ever have if I had just kept myself in my dark closet of shame

There is literally no point to this post, and I'll probably delete it before the end of the day. But boy is life complicated, and I sure am glad an old racist white man told me to add more color to my life, maybe I'll pretend to have forgotten all the shit my mom's told me

[saiwriting]

Thoughts, Thoughts, Blog #3

I so badly want to be someone else, but that someone else I want to be is also me. I find it extremely hard to envision myself in the future. Ever since I was younger, I always had this promise to myself that literally only one person knows: that I would not make it or go past 25 years old. Doesn't matter, don't come console me about it, I'm actively working toward that sentiment daily in the "it's so over" "we're so back" format. Either way, I could never truly envision myself in the future without it looking and sounding and even smelling eerily similar to me in the present moment. Then I thought to myself, well, maybe this is a weird lesson in accepting myself as I am. Maybe this is something that I will never truly be mastered in my mind. Those goddamn maybes will kill me. I guess the only logical product of this mindset was one that I was forced to accept who I was at any given moment and that wanting improvement was an innate hatred of yourself which, hey, is pretty fitting considering the whole born sinner thing. Or maybe the mindset was the residual effect. I could not even see a better me within my dreams.

Recently, I finished the book The Law of Attraction and it was both...weird and transformative, This guy-or entity-Abraham was, like, a total Yoda in my book; lucky for him I've always fucked with the weird wise guys. A key pillar in this....biography? novel? self-help guide? was that The Law of Attraction was always happening whether I knew it or not and therefore I am always creating things within my reality based on whatever I am focused on. Therefore, the more consistent I am with 1) listening to my Inner Being as 'he' called it, 2) thinking strongly, positively, and deliberately about what it is I want for my life and 3) to then be as delusional as possible and believe that I am owed it by the Universal law, the better my life will be, I will have made my Higher Self proud, and I will literally get everything I have ever wanted. If you couldn't tell by the tonality of the language used, this is possibly the hardest thing I could ever do in my life (thanks Gemini North Node, I guess?). How could I possibly accomplish this when I LITERALLY CANNOT THINK OF MYSELF IN ANYTHING BUT FIRST PERSON. Well, lucky for me, Abraham kinda explained it good enough to where I can practice it at the very least. TL;DR version is this: if you keep thinking about the what-is then you will keep attracting only.....you guessed it! what-is. It sounds simple, but when that is literally something I have been doing my whole life, then it's impossibly frustrating to shift gears now at the ripe age of 22.

So, a conclusion that I came up with, thanks to both my obsession with the medium and the Akashic Records reading I got the day before my birthday, was that I needed to write. I needed to write, and I needed to write so obsessively so that I am writing just about anything I or you could think of. Whatever I want to accomplish in this life, for sure, can only be accomplished by writing because otherwise the F-5 twister of thoughts in my brain will never be synthesized, organized, and archived for future sanity's sake. I have to write in order to live. That's why I got so many goddamn sticky notes and shit from W.B Mason thanks to my now former employment. Shit is crazy, but I gotta write in order to even feel like I can think. In some ways, this feels like a curse because who truly has time for that motherfucker who wants to stay an extra 5 seconds in any given moment to savor and process it for fear of a dissociative and depressive memory loss. Who wants to always see me writing with a pen in my little notebook splaying my thoughts on paper because if I try to launch them from my tongue, they malfunction. Who wants to deal with the frustration of someone who cannot and will not do anything "on the fly" because she just....she just can't think that fast. Who wants that? Who wants to stop for that? (Un)fortunately, it has to be me.