#i've had this concept for so long
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So i remember an ask mentioning your mortal enemy, Felis Atra and their cats, and i thought it'd be fun to draw what Felis Atra's version of your italian dogs would be.
I think they would be called Butter Knife and Flamengo! Butter Knife is not his real name, it's an nickname given by his peers because of how harmless he is. I choose Flamengo because that's the name of Vasco's rival football team here in Brazil, so i thought that was the perfect name :)
Cat Machete was slightly inspired by the Oriental Shorthair cat because of their long noses and thin head shape.
Cat Vasco was inspired by the Scottish Fold cat, because FLOPPY EARS. I gave Flamengo longer ears and orange fur to make him more like his look-alike.
The last doodle is a reference to this ask (https://canisalbus.tumblr.com/post/728923918314946560/me-i-am-machete-ear-fan-number-1-those-ears) and contains the tumblr ask stand-in dog, whose cat version was inspired by the American Curl cat! They have round ears that are slightly floppy outwards.
Final notes: I know cardinal clothes don't come in vibrant blue, but i was ADAMANT on switching Machete's and Vasco's clothing color patterns. I would draw the rest of Butter Knife's and Flamengo's clothes, but i suck at designing cool outfits.
Speaking of outfits, for Machete's iconic void outfit, i figured it would be fun to make it more baggy for Butter Knife, in contrast to Machete's, that looks very tight-fitted. I think it's cute, it kinda looks like a sweater. Also i can't imagine a Machete doppelganger without high heels boots, so those HAD to stay.
Oh, and just to be clear, i'm not like, claiming ownership of these guys or anything. I just thought it would be a fun exercise. Hope you like them!! I love your art and your characters.
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#imagine if Vaschete but CATS and REVERSED -> Butter knife ;_; and Flamengo <3#this ask is from last year and I'm sorry I've allowed it sit in my inbox for so long ´m`#but I've been thinking about it intermittedly#the context was that someone said that somewhere out there existed my mortal enemy (felis atra = black/dark cat)#and they had frenzied cat ocs instead of melancholic dogs#first of all they both look so darling I'm getting radiation poisoning just from looking at them aaaaaa#and the fact you put so much thought and effort into this concept is making me go absolutely rabid#extremely strange seeing Machete with big pupils and Vasco with tiny pinpoints#Butter knife purring like a fluffy jackhammer is instant serotonin I love him#and yes if you turned Machete to a cat he'd probably be something resembling an oriental shorthair#especially one of those really exaggerated ones with giant bat ears and roman nose#and I keep visualizing Vasco as a scottish fold as well but it's kind of giving me sad bad feels personally#I can't look past their painful and debilitating health issues#the same mutation that causes the floppy ears also destroys the cartilage in their joints#it's such a shame because they're a terribly cute and charming breed#and in this case they really do have those similar rounded friendly shapes that Vasco does#if I ever draw them as cats myself I'll probably have to think of some other breed for him even though it would be such a perfect fit#also I think it's funny how you can swap everything else but Machete's heels have to stay :'> don't separate the crinkle and his boots#thank you so much! this was such a cool ask to receive I love how you designed their cat forms#gift art#dingergum#Machete#Vasco#own characters#Vaschete scenarios
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A love so deep
Pairing: Roronoa Zoro x GN!reader
Synopsis: He loves you so deeply it defies the forces of nature.
Content warnings: weapons, loyalty, maybe it's fluff?
Word count: a few hundred words
A/N: Zoro brainrot hours. I'm around episode 330 of one piece so I don't know for sure if he ever harms any of his crewmates with his sword, so for now this is just a headcanon. Take it as you will, dear readers
Zoro Roronoa is loyal. He's confident, despite the monsters hunting him sometimes, screaming in his nightmares that he's not strong enough, that he has to get stronger and stronger and stronger in order to protect his friends, his lover. If he can't protect the ones he cares for at least through actions — because he's never been a professional at verbally expressing himself — then what the fuck is he even doing?
His will is stronger than steel. Maybe it's tied to his stubborn nature, to the fact that once he wants to do something, there's no way to stop him. His will is the highest and strongest mountain you'll ever lay eyes on and you're either able to accept it or not.
He wants to protect the ones he holds dear to his heart. Out loud there are rare times when he admits such things, but he's proved it countless times. He'll say things with a specific nuance and only his friends would know the deep meaning behind his words.
His will are his swords. His stubbornness runs through the hilts and rests in his scabbards, it makes his katana shine each time he draws them out. He's poured his everything into these swords, even the overwhelming and undeniable love he has for you. Weapons, objects he always used to kill, blades that sparkle with the remnants of blood.
However, not even once did his sword cut through a friend, through you. Even his very body would be manipulated by some supernatural force, the blades would only graze the skin, would mold into your skin and still not break through. There would be marks, it would be obvious something happened, but your blood will never get on his swords.
Especially if you trust him, his abilities and his katana. They're like an extension of his very being, of his own soul. Even the blades recognise you, your haki, your energy. Even their sharpness softens at the contact of your skin and stops, refusing to hurt you, someone he loves so deeply he doesn't know for sure what path he'll take if something happens to you.
And he'd be damned if you're harmed by him. He would rather die one thousand times and run with bare feet through hell than be the one to inflict pain on you.
And he trusts you just the same way he trusts his own will. Whatever weapon you weild, whatever power has been bestowed to you by a Devil Fruit — none of those matter. Deep down, he knows you're not capable of harming him or your friends.
Because, at some point, an enemy you're fighting against might laugh hysterically about how "You'll bend to my will, Pirate Hunter".
Both of you know that no matter what, none of your wapons will ever be drowned in the other's blood. His sword would stop at the contact with your skin and your bullet would ricochet against his bare chest.
A love so deep it defies the forces of nature. The string of trust is thick and stronger than steel, just like his will and your own.
This connection between him and you won't appear out of the blue, but it will certainly grow steadily and once it does, it's unbreakable.
#my beloved#i couldn't help but write some thoughts I've had for a few weeks already#I've been thinking about this for SO LONG#the way in one piece will is someone's strongest weapon is insane and i adore the concept#because it CAN defy gravity#zoro#zoro x reader#zoro x y/n#zoro x you#roronoa zoro x reader#zoro roronoa#roronoa zoro x you#one piece x reader#one piece x you#zoro imagines#zoro headcanons#one piece zoro#one piece#op zoro#naomiwrites
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main characters of a comic I'm hoping to dedicate a lot of my time to this year
#currently still untitled. i've been wanting to make a comic for so many years but been kinda too fucked in the head to#actually bind myself to a long project. we'll see how this one goes. not putting any pressure on myself.#it's a old-ish concept which sparked first from that old skephalo au i had. but is nowadays more about actually learning to live#i may hav posted angel here before.. but yeah more to come some day. next up is opening my etsy store again :'''D#but yeeahhhh happy new year everyone! <3#angel demon dichotomy as always babeyhhh
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nothing good is about to go down here babes...
part 2/? of babyboy's descent into madness (1, 3)
#tbosas#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#2nd one right after bc i've got no self restraint when it comes to strategical posting (how would that even work??? lmaoo i genuinely dk)#i might also be a tad obsessed with the colors in this one#remind me to post a before and after editing comparison of gifs at some point btw#bc i remember before i made gifs myself i had no concept of the fact that it wasnt just taking screencaps and So Much More Work lmfao#tbosasedit#coriolanus snow#thgedit#the hunger games#the hunger games: the ballad of songbirds and snakes#the ballad of songbirds & snakes#also#just to be clear#the descent into madness started long before this scene lmaoo xlkjaldfjlkdsjf#my gifs#tom blyth#babyboy's descent into madness
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and I begin to bloom like a lotus flower once again the Agust D trilogy
#agust d#min yoongi#bts#suga#bts suga#bangtan#bangtan sonyeondan#bts gifs#btsedit#my gifs#i've had this concept in my head for a while now#and i've been trying to figure out how i wanted to do it#and i finally figured it out#the font is the pulp fiction font lol#i wanted to use the scarface font but it's paid and all the free versions look weird#and like... i'm not paying $30 for a font i'll only use once#and anyway the color effect wouldn't really work with it#this set right here is the entire reason i decided to learn how to make gifs in photoshop#anyway his eyes man#he has the most beautiful intense eyes i have ever seen#amygdala is very very hard for me to watch actually#and that's part of why this took me so long also#had to keep in mind what he said in the shoot sketch lol#cuz like... y'know really amygdala is faaaaaar from my favorite agust d track#but the sheer emotion in both the song itself and the mv#it's almost suffocating#he's tremendously talented and yeah i'm a lil obsessed tbh lol
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You know Adaman and Melli from Pokémon? And you know the Zelda universe?
Okay, now hear me out--
#EmBBu's art#warden Melli#clan leader adaman#Adaman#Melli#zora#rito#pokémon legends arceus#totk#botw#legend of zelda#the legend of zelda#tloz#pokémon#melli pokémon#adaman pokémon#Very rough concepts but I've had them rotating in my head for too long without a single sketch#so here they are!
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hello. it is i, your friendly neighbourhood goblin that pops up every now and then to scream about something new.
i love damien haas.
this has been a psa.
#i just made a very long post about parasocial relationships and saved it in my drafts because i just needed to sort my thoughts out#never meant to publish it and never will#but it was about damien and youtubers and streamers and how they're Different and harder to deal with than like tv stars#i mean well duh but i've not been into that many youtubers like this. there's dan howell and drawfee and geoff castellucci#and none of those was to the level i've had with traditional media celebrities#but anyway i talked about him and i also just needed to scream into the void about how much i love him and how much i relate to him#and how seen he makes me feel#and safe#like i for real wish i could be his friend and tell him how awesome he is (and also like. so fine)#how parasocial of me#but i dealt with that in The Post That Shall Not See The Light Of Day so no tangent on that#also i have realised that nearly every time i've been really ADHD hyperfixated on a real person on here i've also been real limerent#like it's not just a crush it's limerence baby!#and i need to work on the underlying issues there#but that was also addressed in The Post so it's okay#but yeah i was psyched to learn about the concept of limerence#it me! every time!#internal monologue#damien haas
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Can we talk about The Dying Swan moment in Coda? As someone who was once a very serious ballerina, I need to talk about the Dying Swan. Here's your context --
CHAKOTAY: Harry's clarinet solo was okay. I could have done without Tuvok's reading of Vulcan poetry. But the highlight of the evening was definitely Kathryn Janeway portraying the Dying Swan. JANEWAY: I learned that dance when I was six years old. I assure you, it was the hit of the Beginning Ballet class.
Have you seen The Dying Swan? It is dramatic.
Here, take a minute:
youtube
First of all, this dance is much too advanced for a six-year-old, even if they’re doing it in demi pointe. (Six-year-olds emphatically should not be in pointe shoes btw.) The dance is almost entirely bourees and arm movements done to very subtle musical cues, not the foundational ballet moves typically taught in Beginning Ballet.
This is a very vulnerable, dramatic dance that is effective because of its subtleties. The performer would need to embody that vulnerability in some way for a convincing performance. It's short, but it's a solo piece -- all eyes on you. I mean, it was choreographed for a prima ballerina, BUT THAT'S NOT MY POINT
Can you imagine our unflappable Captain Janeway willingly getting in front of her crew to do this ballet? I get that it’s thematically relevant to the plot of Coda, but since Janeway is only vulnerable in front of her crew when it means putting herself in harm’s way, it seems like a wild decision. She tends to hold herself apart from her crew, maintaining the professional distance of the captain. Further, when she does any creative pursuit, it is almost always in private, since her sister was the artist in the family and she was the scientist. As a captain, she commands Voyager in a much different way than she would as a dancer with this piece. I'm not saying she never shows vulnerability because she definitely does, but not necessarily in this way. Then when she talks about it with Chakotay, she just casually brushes it off with a laugh like no big deal.
There’s also the question of costume – would she have gone full tutu? Done it in her Starfleet uniform? An impeccable yet flow-y white suit? She does get into costume and command a performance in Bride of Chaotica!, but Coda is still kind of early days for our captain. Arachnia aligns more with what we know about Janeway's character.
Granted, it is Chakotay laying down these complements about her dancing ability and he is clearly biased. To be fair, Neelix does too before they leave in the shuttle. If she did this dance and performed it poorly or amazingly, I feel like the crew would look at her a bit differently afterwards.
Canonically she did The Dying Swan, but I certainly have trouble picturing it happening.
#does everyone let it slide because she gets mind killed a bunch of times and attends her own funeral?#this throw away line has been living rent free in my mind for months now#coda is also a ballet term fun fact#star trek voyager#coda#Captain Janeway#this death doesn't mean anything though because no one else is saved so not janeway self-sacrificing goals#yes yes they probably just picked the first artistic performance with death in the title cause it's thematically relevant#i've thought about it much more than a normal person probably should#No one said I was a good ballerina but I did it for a long time#may or may not have filmed a video about this in my cosplay for a different platform#maybe have been sitting on it cause of editing and weird dudes being into me like why no#also let tuvok read his poetry i bet it's great#alien grim reaper dad is a great concept very creepy bring him back for more angst#just a little insane about the dying swan don't mind me#also insane about coda and voyager and janeway in general ok you got me#meta#I was falling asleep on the couch but then I had to rant about coda I’m sorry
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for requestober ! my heart's been aching for yanderapy for a while and i would like to get something about them :3 i don't have a specific prompt . i do like to see them more on the angsty-unhealthy-relationship side lol like some of the requests you made last year . overall , just seeing anything about them would be nice . X3
Day 1 - Sodium Chloride Couple
#My art#Requestober#Yanderapy#First req of the year is my boys!! I am blessed!! 💕 Thank you for thinking of them <3#Hopefully this will sate your desires enough - it's not exactly angsty but I did try to bring in a bit of their weirdness lol#Y'know that one post that's just accidentally recreating the Homestuck shipping quadrant?#I still know very little about Homestuck but does Kismesis do anything to make the two chill out or is it just aimed at each other lol#Personally I really like the concept of a sodium chloride couple! That two people match each other's freak just right and become harmless#Because that's these two so much!! They're perfect for each other on accident (on purpose) and make each other better!#Ishida would ask too much and Mitsu would give too much if they were with different people#But their tendencies balance each other out - make them realize they're going too far because of what they see in the other#That and they genuinely like each other <3 They want to improve the other both selfishly and altruistically#Selfishly because then they get the best version of the other all to themselves hehe <3#But altruistically because they wish for each other's happiness and gain confidence in their ability to grant it#They're good for each other's self esteem! Although Ishi was already pretty self-confident before they got together haha#He feels happier and more whole with Micchan tho <3 Like he wants to - and can be! - his best self for and with him#All the mushy-gushyness on them being silly together lol - clearly it's been too long since I've doodled them I'm rambly ♪#Had a lot of fun with the hands here :) Ishi holding Mitsu's face so delicately ♫#They probably could (and probably do lol) switch who's got what and be just as happy#They just enjoy being together and making each other all head-silly haha <3 Not hard for either to achieve ♪
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There's always a danger of caring too much about a story, and then getting paralyzed by the need to do it justice, so it never gets written.
I've solved this problem in the past by writing stories so fast that I don't have time to get too invested, or writing stories that I'm not that attached to.
But maybe the trick is to love the story so much that I want to share it any way I can, even if it's imperfect. To feel that any version of this story is better than the story never getting written at all. To get out of my own way and stop worrying about what other people will think of my writing, or even what I think of my writing, and love the story for its own sake, love the readers enough to want to have the joy of sharing the story with them.
Maybe it'll work. Maybe it won't. But so far it feels like a much better approach.
#adventures in writing#i think inklings has finally born fruit for me#other years i've stayed far away from beloved story concepts#for just this reason#and then i mentally shelved most of those story concepts#recognizing i'd likely never write them in a way that lives up to my imagination#and that probably gave me the distance i needed to pick some of them up again#for one thing the short time frame of inklings forces me to get down to the heart of the concept to fit it into a short story#and the long development time means i've had time to figure out what the core of the concept *is*#what keeps this story lingering in my imagination; which means i know what the good parts are#and then the deadline also forces me to try to write it fast and short#because if i don't write it for inklings i likely never will#and that's a tragedy i want to avoid#having such a clear concept of the story's core#means i can put up with ugly haphazard drafts#because i know what the overall story feels like; i've had years to develop it#so instead of a bad draft proving a story's not worth writing#i *know* that the story's worth writing because it's stuck with me this long#so the ugly drafts are just the building blocks necessary to create the final product#of course the danger is that i'll put out a story and it won't be as cool outside my head#and people will hate this piece of my soul i've poured out to them#but if i love it enough maybe it'll reach that special status#where it means so much to me personally that the wider audience reaction doesn't matter#but before i worry about this i gotta write a draft first
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I def wanna color these when I have the energy BUT..... back on a Pokemon kick.... ever so slightly......... also second sketch is so rough SORRY (I DO WANNA CLEAN IT UP!!! But I was mostly focused on conceptualizing the outfits!!!!)
I have soooo many other sketches too but I wanna save em for later.... but let it be known, this is just an elaborate excuse to play dress-up. Esp for Moe I'm gonna be so real, it has SUCH A SILLY OUTFIT and it is SO. SOOOOOO jackass rival coded. Guy who is gonna pick fights and cause problems for NO reason. Or for gay reasons. Most likely gay reasons tbh
#fire emblem#feh#pokemon#moe being a jackass rival is SO FUNNY TO ME. ESPPPPP THAT ILLUST FUCKING CAPTURES IT ALL SO WELL#i am. always thinking it. but moe really does have little dog energy. like it's more cat-like and above all it is some hooved creature#but it really really is. like a little dog that barks and growls at anything at least three times its size like 'yeah i can take that!!!!'#i've also had these outfit concepts in the back of my mind for a LONG TIME ACTUALLY#i just. got distracted. and promptly forgor about it. had to dig through prev sketchbooks to find my initial concepts!#alfonse and sharena's concepts are p much the same just w the added jackets. my old concepts are v early gen design wise#but esp moe here feels like it could be a current gen trainer design. like! there really is a distinction!#so i wanted to add something more for al/shari too. maybe i'll post those v first concepts#but like. i have negative spoons rn. and i got an early day tomorrow LMFAOOO (and!!! i wanna refine everything more!!!)#maybe... even make themed teams... moe is SO fucking easy. i'll spoil it rn it also has a gogoat.#i'm... THINKING.... about alfonse and sharena though...#<- tag that sums up my entire blog#anyways! i've just been busy and out of practice and needed to take a break twofold 🫡#fe alfonse#sharena#moe tag#summoner oc#my art
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The fall of Icarus
DO NOT REPOST!
P/roship DNI.
#peter parker#mcu peter parker#my art#sketches#i would've drawn tony too but i don't have the strength dhjfhdjfd#i've had this concept in my head for so long
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I've always wanted to entertain a universe where Princess Peach was not familiar at all with romance.
She would go through her life being raised on political philosophy and the understanding that she would one day be responsible for the people of the Mushroom Kingdom, her teachings are very strict and single-minded in the effort to make her an effective ruler. This turns her into an incredibly driven and kind woman who is primarily concerned with her citizen's security and happiness. The fairytale land of the Mushroom Kingdom emphasized a culture of love, certainly, but it was a love for all living creatures. Romance exists, but it was not part of the mainstream of ideas.
Her interests did not include fantasy or fiction. Even when offered by her guardians and retainers, she would decline and opt instead for denser, brainier, more intensive material. The concept of romance simply never came across her horizon.
Until she gets kidnapped, and a stranger arrives to save her.
This man is strong, stronger than the King of the Darklands. Strong enough to rescue her. He is humble and sweet, and he has the most earnest blue eyes she's ever seen. He is charming without meaning to be, content with the simple things in life, and her heart appears to do a little something every time he smiles bashfully at her attempts to thank him for his heroic deeds. He has dimples in his cheeks. Mario, he is called. Thinking of his name causes a most peculiar rush in her chest. She sometimes likes to murmur it to herself when no one is around, but she couldn't say why.
"It is love," those close to her tried to explain. But she didn't understand.
She discovers her grand library's fiction section. She pores over romantic tales, particularly those regarding a princess and her knight in shining armor. Meanwhile, she observes that her face becomes quite warm when Mario is around, and that she tends to ramble or stammer nervously when she is ordinarily so clear and concise. She has not had any practice disguising such feelings. They come off as quite obvious to any onlooker.
Mario is not presumptuous, however, and though he finds himself nursing his own romantic feelings for Princess Peach, he would never dare assume someone of his station would be worthy of her. Still, many point out her obvious flustered demeanor and clear affection for him. He had already dedicated himself to many acts of service for her, but he begins to bring her small gifts as well. Interesting findings, secret tokens, tiny treasures from his journeys. Small wonders of the amazing world he'd come to love living in, and tiny, heartfelt creations.
Pressure grows from those around them who can see they clearly have feelings for each other. When the time comes, Peach sits, meekly admiring a flower he had offered her as they sit on a grassy hill under the starlight. She explains that she believes she likes him, but admits that she does not understand very much about the nature of her feelings or of romance in general. She's a little frightened; her daydreams and wistful yearning have distracted her from her duties at times, and she becomes overwhelmed in his presence. She wishes to understand it all better, but she doesn't know where to begin.
Mario, surprised and flattered by the news, puts his hand over hers and tells her that he is willing to help her explore her feelings and make better sense of them. He can teach her; he's been a hopeless romantic for as long as he could remember.
And he loves her. He's more than willing to take this journey with her.
Flirting, dates, kissing. All of these are foreign concepts to Peach and she frets that she's very far behind and that she'll do it all wrong. But Mario soothes her and tells her it all comes with time. He won't push her into anything she isn't ready for, though he does purposefully tease and gently flirt with her just to see her blush and smile. Over time, she is able to reciprocate.
He invites her out to classic dates and more unique ones. Garden strolls, picnics, or trips to find the best view of the sunset. He continues to bring her gifts, and rescues her from Bowser all without any expectations that she return the sentiment.
She learns. She finds or creates gifts, and arranges dates to surprise him. Her heart feels full whenever she sees his eyes light up with genuine surprise and awe. She learns that he quite appreciates physical touch, and makes sure to reach for him often. Touching his arm, finding any reason to hug him, and offering a modest kiss on the cheek upon being rescued. He also finds great comfort and solace in words of affirmation, reminding him that she sincerely enjoys his company and finds him to be very cute. She loves how he blushes.
One night, after a date he put a lot of work into arranging, Peach expresses her gratitude for his effort, and tells him that she thinks she would like to kiss him. Blinking, Mario finds himself endeared to her shy and slightly clumsy request. He approaches her with his familiar soft manner.
"Close your eyes," he says with that bashful smile, and she does.
He kisses her forehead. His hands gingerly rest on her face, and she lets out a shaky breath. "Is this okay?" he asks, and she nods. He kisses her temple, and then her cheek. His mustache tickles. Her entire body feels like it's buzzing.
He pauses, his thumb stroking her face, before he tilts his head to kiss her on the lips.
She melts. It's tender and sweet. All the stories she had read emphasized the importance of a first kiss, and his delicate manner was better than anything she could have imagined. He pulls away, his eyes shining under the starlight, only for her to seize his hands.
"I want you to kiss me again," she says.
He smiles, and he does.
#rip this is long#I had to get this out of my brain before I lost it#A concept I've always had but never committed to#I prefer where they're on the same page about a lot of things#Like what they want out of life#Both of them growing up hopeless romantics#Things like that#But there's something so pure about this scenario#Someone experiencing romance for the first time#And the object of their affection being the best possible person#Safe and protective#Not toxic or entitled#Just wholly devoted and also deeply in love#Mario is the perfect man#There I said it#Mario#Princess Peach#Mareach#Diary of Drones
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FINE bungie i'll admit it you got me with the old tower and cayde ok
#this expansion is going to FUCK DELPHI UP#even just the first mission#being inside the traveler#you KNOW he's feeling its pain as much as ghost and cayde if not more#its voice may be gone but its still part of him#seeing the old tower and especially the speakers old study#and cayde 😭#the second hunter vanguard friend that delphi feels like he got killed#anyway yeah#i'm into the aesthetics and story of tfs#i like prismatic too its a fun concept#and is honestly basically what i had imagined for how delphi has been weilding the light/dark this whole time#just sort of everything all at once#HOWEVER. the actual gameplay had me fucking nonstop complaining as my sister can attest lmao#it reminds me of the old halo games#where you're just running back and forth across a map for WAY too long doing the same fucking shit over and over and over again#the mission did NOT need to be that long just so i could kill thing to get darkness icon to open door 16 times#i will play tfs eventually and i will bitch about it the entire time#but i must. mainly for delphi#and to tamp down some earth on destiny 2's grave#i've been playing since ttk i gotta finish the fight#fel's destiny#destiny 2 spoilers#oc: delphi
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I feel like the post I just reblogged pointing out the all-or-nothing in how many people interact with their deconstruction of systems of oppression is resonating for me right now with so many different moments in my life where someone decides that because some part of myself has access to some of the levers of control/influence/etc that come with the relationship to power, and decides what that must mean about all the other parts of me that might be explicitly refused access to those same levers.
It has happened in so many spaces/aspects of my life, and it can be so hard to feel safe and seen and trusting of others when that's my chronic relationship to being perceived - half truths and obfuscation.
It doesn't really change regardless of who's doing the assuming either. Like, where they land in relation to systems of power may influence which direction they lean in their assumptions about me, but even that is often inconsistent. Both sides of the equation (those who share my marginalizations and those who exist in spaces of closer proximity to power) will still do it nonetheless.
When I was doing my liminal social identities work in undergrad, this was actually a big part of the conceptualization we explored of traumtic alienation of self as individual from self as collective, and what it can do to people to exist in this liminal relationship with your environment and the people in it. As I'm starting to gather my thoughts about my stress modeling, this conceptualization is bubbling back to the surface. I'm finding myself meandering through it on both a path specifically my own, and in an effort to better understand what other paths may be available to people during their version of the process/experience.
Selfhood is so fragile, and so in need of balance between self-construction and co-construction for us humans, and that gives us so many beautiful, even spiritual, experiences of meaning making and generativity of self. It also createa many pivot points where we may find room in our path for vulnerability or blurring of self. As much as these pivot points can be distressing, I think they also sometimes become our foundations of change/personal evolution, when we find that through the distress of existing in shift, something meaningful is occurring or observable in our experience of self-in-transition.
I think something I've valued especially about my own relationship with self is its transience. It doesn't always end up somewhere I would be happy to sustain, but it always allows me a degree of comfort in complexity that I think has made my body-mind a safer place for me overall.
#one day i will understand how to convey self in a way that is Mine and also Effective Communication#but lord knows it ain't today#it's always so interesting to me the way people decide to position me in their social/power schema#the funny thing i think is that even as a toddler people seemed to assign me a seriousness and gravity of social value that was both#irrational and inexplicable and in many cases wildly inappropriate#apparently one of my auntie's got in a bad way of 'consulting' me like her personal spiritual guide when I was like#two years old????#and she had to be like#you can't keep talking to my toddler about this stuff#that's an extreme one but like#it's also in line with the trend#i don't think people realize how dehumanizing it feels to be Assigned Moral and Social Weight and Value like that#it makes it so painfully clear to me that i am expected to manage to accommodate everyone's needs while never having#or at least never expressing or acknowledging in the presence of others#any needs of my own regardless of their impact on me#sometimes I think people assume that I went into the fields I did as like. a white knight type motivation#or like#that going into the field is what's made me the way I am#and like.#not really. it's more that I knew my role in life was 'other people's emotional regulation/go-to anchor' as long as I've had self-concept#and at a certain point you've been playing that role long enough that your options are either#become a subject matter expert and contributer to the field#or fucking kill yourself#because you certainly can't keep doing what you're doing#i dunno. i guess i just wished there was anyone in my life i trusted to see me as the fully complexified and messy human I am#i might feel a little less like i'm the only real thing in my life#anyway i think i'm gonna go. dissociate out of existence for a while before i get the kind of suicidal that's going to worry wifey#i don't think i can cope with needing to regulate her out of an anxiety response right now and i understand that means i can't need care atm#you ever just get the feeling that you're drowning under the weight of the needs you just can never seem to meet? i do.
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*wheeze* slowly, but surely, working on art of them all
#bg3#myart#wip#I want to make every tav/companion pairing I have a dedicated. fancy piece.#these started with a concept for a wyll drawing that was very...storybook! inspired.#I would have been done all the linework for these two pieces by now had my weekend gone better :/#I was violently unwell for...about a week and a half? chronic illness bullshit. had started to feel better friday of last week...#...unfortunately fate had it that the weekend ended up being particularly stressful. so the pain returned anew.#it was. somewhat better today. but still not enough for me to really be productive in my free time :(#I will try to complete the linework tomorrow if all goes well. I really would like to start colouring them!#I have delightful colour schemes chosen...#gale/illamin piece has already been sketched in a notebook. once I finish these two- I will begin lining theirs!#illamin's connects to cadence's because they're intertwined like that. but I have yet to finish planning out cadence's piece.#I've gone back and forth on who I should romance with him...the thing with any of the companions is that they are all written to be-#-immensely compatible with each other. so writing a tav FOR a specific companion is a bit hard. often the tav could fit with any of them.#hell. I'm STILL working out details of jantar and corydalis' story & characters. because I can't be normal about this.#that aside- I DO have other. finished pieces...finally.#well. I had some long before... but I didn't want to post them because I wasn't happy with them.#so I went and finished new stuff that I DO like.#4. technically 5 drawings. all horror/horror adjacent in theme.#my extremely detailed hux painting is also NEARLY done. after months upon months of work.#and I continue to slowly chip away at the big scifi themed dbd piece I've had in progress.#I really never run out of things to draw and it's a bit torturous because I never have the time or energy to draw everything...
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