#i've had almost no sleep because they decided today was the day to cut all the bushes and slam into the building

[your-hockey-mom]

I'm having a shit day, I need Quinn to fix it

Please and thanks

Rain, rain, go away, come again...when you didn't have a hundred errands to run and were short on time to do them. Naturally, it would pour the entire time you were out and about, and your umbrella had decided to break the first time you went to use it. It really set the tone for the rest of the day; a terrible foreshadowing you had hoped wouldn't be the case.

The only reason you were out running those errands in the first place was because you had taken the day off to make sure everything was nice for when Quinn got back home. You knew he was going to be exhausted after finishing another six straight games on the road. Plus, you wanted to enjoy the evening with him knowing nothing would be looming in the back of your mind that would take away from your time together. However, since the minute you got up it was like everything was stacked against you. You had slept through your alarm, getting up almost two hours later than you had intended. You thought you had plugged in your phone but hadn't make a proper connection so your battery was at 12% to start the day. And to add insult to injury (literally), you had dropped a glass while in the kitchen and had cut your hand while trying to pick up the pieces.

Today was proving to be one of those days that were best spent at home, but unfortunately, that wouldn't be the case for you. By this point, your phone was now sitting at 6%, because you realized, after you had left the parking garage, that the charger you left in your car was in Quinn's. You just hoped it would hold on long enough to get you home.

You would be stopped at a red light, mid rush hour, when a message would ding in. It was Quinn and the dreaded text you didn't want to come across your phone until you were already back at his apartment.

"Hey baby, we just touched down. I'll see you soon. I love you."

"I might not be there when you get home. Stuck in traffic. </3 I love you, too. <3 <3 Also, phone is about dead. >:("

"Just be careful. I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too."

- - -

Getting everything out of the car had been hard enough, but carrying them with your cut palm was the worst. Being half asleep and dealing with broken glass was not a good combination, something you would note for the future. Sure, you couldn't have texted Quinn to see if he would help you, which you knew he would have, but you were determined to get it done yourself.

When you stepped into the elevator, from the parking garage, all you could think of was "please don't break down. I do not want to walk up the stairs. I do not want to be trapped in an elevator with a dead phone." Thinking it was a bad idea to put such thoughts into the Universe, you'd just count floors instead until you reached Quinn's.

It was a struggle to unlock the door but you had managed though your hand was burning and you were pretty sure you were bleeding again. Just something else that would get tended to later. Once inside, you'd drop everything at the door and Quinn would come from the bedroom to greet you.

"Oh sweetheart, why didn't you tell me you were downstairs? I would have helped you with all of this." He wrapped his arms around you and you melt into his body. "I have missed you so much."

"I'm so glad you're home." All of a sudden and without warning, you begin to cry. Likely a culmination of trash sleep, stress, no food, and pain. Your body and emotions were just fried; not to mention you hated when he was gone for so long.

"What's wrong, baby?" Quinn would say softly, gently tightening his hold on you. "Are you alright?" Anytime you were having a rough day, he was the first person to notice and always did everything he could to make you feel better.

"No," you said, hiding your face in his neck. You weren't ready to have him see how much you were struggling.

"Why don't you go sit, hmm? I'll get this."

"I wanted to have everything done for you but today has been awful."

Quinn pulls away from you just enough to tip your chin up towards his face. You can't escape him now and the look on your face makes his puppy eyes heavy with emotion. "Oh, baby~"

He kisses you several times, each one of them sweeter than the last, yet the tears still continue to fall from your cheeks. "Come on, this stuff can wait."

Taking your non-bandaged hand, he ushers you to the sofa where he insists you sit in his lap so you can be as close to him as possible. You loved moments like these just on better circumstances than today had given you.

"Baby, you're bleeding. What happened?"

You had reached up to brush some hair from your eyes when he caught sight of the bandage now tinged bright red in the center. You dropped your hand to your leg and shook your head. "It's nothing. Just a clumsy accident."

"Let me see."

You refuse, sniffling and trying to hold back the welling tears.

"Please?"

Damn those eyes of his; damn the tone of his voice that just took your breath away. You could never truly tell him no and this was no different. You'd turn your palm upwards when you presented it to him, scared it was worse that you thought it was initially.

"May I look at it?"

You just nod, before laying your head against his shoulder. You didn't want to see it and you knew him pulling back the adhesive of the bandage was going to hurt, even though he had the softest touch.

Quinn was always so careful with you; always asking for permission especially if it would potentially cause you pain. Slowly he'd remove the bandage and you would wince against the discomfort even though he did everything he could to make it easy on you. "How did this happen?"

Quinn's tone conveyed deep worry and hurt and that didn't give you the reassurance you were hoping for.

"This morning. I got up late, and was half asleep taking my vitamins and I guess my hand just stopped working and I dropped it. It shattered everywhere. I didn't realize I had grabbed the raw edge until it was too late and I cut myself."

"Oh sweetheart," Quinn whispered laying his head against yours. "Want me to fix you up?"

"I'll get it."

"Please?"

Twice now, he had used that word with (that) tone, and twice now you would fold without another chance to resist. Again, you would silently nod, letting him slip out from under you while he disappeared into the bathroom for a few moments. You remembered how you had left it and it made you feel worse, but when he returned, the only thing that mattered to him was making sure you were alright.

"You said today was awful, how come?" He talked to you while he worked so to keep you from focusing solely on your hand and the pain. Everything he did was so thoughtful.

"I stayed up too late watching The First 48, then I slept through my alarms this morning, so I was two hours behind. I guess I hadn't clicked my charger into my phone fully so it didn't charge. I dropped the glass. I didn't get the apartment cleaned. I didn't get the laundry put away. I forgot my charger was in your car. My umbrella broke." With each added reason for the bad day it made you more emotional to the point that he had to stop cleaning the cut to lay a hand on your leg and try to calm you.

"Shhh, baby, baby, it's okay. None of that matters now. I didn't expect you to be waiting for me at the door. I'm just glad you're here now, but I'm sorry you had such a hard day. The apartment is fine, please, don't worry about it."

"But...I left the bathroom~"

"I don't care about it. Honest. I want you to feel welcome here; I want it to be your home. Home should feel lived in." Quinn leaned forward to kiss you yet you frown. You still felt so bad for everything not being done like you wanted it to be. "If you're here, that's all I want."

"You're so nice," you squeak out, hiding your face with your free hand. You don't realize you were breaking his heart, feeling so bad about missing your self-imposed marks.

"Sweetheart, will you look at me, please?"

Dropping your hand, you let your eyes be exposed though you keep it pressed to your lips.

"You're the only thing I care about when I'm here. If you're okay, I'm okay."

"But I'm not okay."

"And I'm not either. May I finish this for you?" His smile was so sweet, so heartfelt as he held your injured hand in both of his. When you answered "yes, please" Quinn brought it to his lips before finishing what he had started. With each new step of the process, he'd check in with you before continuing. He didn't feel that you had any glass in the wound or that you needed stitches, but he didn't want you to do too much the next few days.

"Alright, babe, all done."

"Thank you."

"Of course. Anything for you," his smile continues. "How about you go change your clothes, get into something comfortable and we'll have a lazy evening in bed. I'll get the groceries put away and we'll order take out. How's that?"

"Do you want some help?"

"No babe, I can get it. It won't take me that long, but thank you. I'll meet you in there, okay?"

"Okay." You give him a kiss as a thank you, later apologizing for your mild breakdown earlier.

"It's alright. You're only human, sweetheart and you had a bad day. I can't say I'd do much better. I'd never judge you for anything like that," Quinn replies, holding your face for another kiss. "I promise."

[marnikula]

Can u do early seasons spencer x reader who has a lot of problems and they let people walk all over them and they dont set boundaries and they struggle with their emotions. Reader likes spencer a lot but doesn't seek him out bc they feel like he deserves better! And u can decide what happens but make it happy ending :)

Oh my word, I literally spent like 2 hours writing this because I wrote something and then my internet cut out when I posted and now it's lost, so I had to rewrite it. Hope you enjoy!

Cw: gn reader, people dumping work on reader, Spencer being cute

Enjoy!

You were a doormat. You knew it, your friends knew it, everyone knew it. You tried to set boundaries, to say no, but it never seemed to stick. Saying no made you feel guilty, it made you feel like a bad person even though you knew you weren't.

Being a doormat, people tended to walk all over you, requesting ridiculous things of you. That is how it came to be that you were sitting alone in the bullpen, the clock ticking away, showing you that it was around midnight and you still had a whole stack of papers to go through. You felt yourself about to fall asleep, and truly, you were too tired to fight it off when a ding signaled the arrival of someone.

Without even turning to look who it was you knew it was Spencer Reid. You recognized his footsteps, and even if you didn't, the smell he brought with him would have alerted you. It was the smell of coffee mixed sweet undertones, almost as if he had spent his whole day in a café. It was intoxicating. "What are you still doing here?" "Working, I have a lot of stuff to finish before tomorrow" "you mean today" looking back at the clock you could see he was right, it was now officially the next day.

"Do you need some help?" without even waiting for you to decline Spencer took half of the pile you were working on. He moved fast, knowing you well enough to know that you hated asking for help, especially from him, he just could never figure out why.

"Spencer, you really don't need to, I've got this" reaching your hands to take the files back only to be swatted away by the doctor was something you did not expect. "I'm not saying you don't have it, I'm just going to help you so you can go home earlier"

Sighing you admitted defeat and went to go make coffee for the two of you. With Spencer's help you managed to make it through the massive stack of papers on your desk in less that an hour, something you would never have been able to do on your own.

"You, doctor Spencer Reid, are amazing, what can I do to thank you?" it was a slight tease on your part. You didn't expect him to ask you anything return, it wasn't like him, he was too nice . That was one of the things you loved about him, and one of the reasons you willed the crush growing in your heart to shrivel up and die. He deserved so much better than you. Someone with a mind as amazing as his own, someone with kindness rivaling his and someone who knew how to say no. You were none of those. At least not in your own eyes.

"You could go on a date with me" Spencer surprised himself with those words, he really hadn't meant to say them out loud, but he really liked you, and in a moment of confidence inspired by sleep deprevation, he decided to take a chance.

"Really? You mean it?" the both of you were blushing hard at this point, him thinking about how he could have possibly screwed this up and you thinking about how this could possibly get any better.

"I-I mean, only if you want to, you really don't have to feel pressured, I know I said I would take it as paiment, but honestly spending time with you was enough of a payme-" grabbing his face in your hands you turned him to look at you, shutting off his ramblings with the movement and shutting off his brain with your words

"I would love to"

[toboldlygohome]

"Please..."

Mark Watney X Reader

Summary: Nothing could have prepared you for the pain of losing your boyfriend on Sol 6. But you were even less prepared to find out that he didn't die. You left him there. Alone.

Character(s): Mark Watney, Beth Johanssen, Chris Beck, Melissa Lewis, Alex Vogel, Rick Martinez.

Warning(s): Descriptions of grief, Mentions of death, Cursing (lots of it), Mildly sexual themes (nothing explicit), Mentions of malnourishment.

A/N: I absolutely adore The Martian, but I've noticed a criminally low amount of fan content for it, so I decided to make some! I've decided to follow more closely to the book plot rather than the movie (Just because I like the dialogue more and it's more scientifically accurate). However, there will be a couple scenes from the movie sprinkled in just because I thought they were fun. I hope you enjoy!

It was the morning of Sol 6 and you were up early to make some coffee before your EVA mission. The past few days on Mars had been busy, but far more rewarding than you could have ever imagined. You were one of the geologists in the Ares 3 crew, along with Commander Lewis of course. Mars, to you, was a playground of science. A giant sphere of discovery you couldn't wait to explore.

Today's EVA was to gather samples from near the hab. You had seen plenty of rocks on the way in that you needed to overturn almost as much as you needed oxygen to breathe.

You sensed a hand on the small of your back and felt goosebumps trail up your spine. "Morning Y/L/N. Anything to report?" A playful voice proclaimed.

"Other than bland coffee and terrible sleep, nothing of interest~" You turned back and smiled at your boyfriend. He brushed his thumb over a patch of exposed skin on your lower back before pulling his hand away.

"Hey, at least you don't have to sleep under Martinez, bastard was tossing and turning all night." He smirked as he made his own cup. "I'm barely getting by, the only thing keeping me grounded is this bland ass coffee."

You snickered and rolled your eyes. "Poor baby," You teased.

You and Mark Watney had been together for almost three years, in secret of course. NASA isn't exactly fond of sending couples into space where they might throw caution to the wind and procreate in transit. You were professionals, this mission was something you both had been looking forward to since it was announced. But that wouldn't stop the Space Administration from removing you both from Ares 3.

Nobody knew you were together. Not NASA, not your families, not even the crew knew of your relationship. As far as anyone was concerned, you were just great friends (inseparable in fact). You went out for dinners, went on morning jogs together, spent late nights gaming and going over the mission handbook. Everyone knew you confided in one another and worked incredibly as a team. But nobody would have guessed that instead of playing Yahtzee together on your evenings off, Mark was slowly and deliciously making you breathless with his lips, melting you with his touch.

Once the mission actually started, it was much harder than anticipated to cut out the physical affection. There were cameras everywhere on the ship and absolutely no way to hide from them. The only place for privacy was the bathrooms, but you had a rather close call that involved Mark dragging you there under the guise of helping him with his laptop (which obviously earned an eyebrow raise from Johanssen,) only for him to kiss you with the desperation of a man dying of thirst. You were nearly caught by Beck and you both decided not to risk it again. Luckily, you and Watney were a couple of problem solvers.

Instead of kisses, you resorted to touching. A hand on the back, an arm on the shoulder, a nudge of the elbow. Casual touch became your replacement for intimacy.

Mark pulled a smug smile and wrapped his arm around your shoulder. "You know what Y/N, I am a poor baby. But I can think of something that would make me feel better..." He whispered close to your ear. You flushed and playfully shoved him back.

"In your dreams Watney." You scoffed but your hand lingered on his stomach, earning a cheeky grin from the botanist.

"How'd you know?" He laughed, glancing down at your lips briefly. You knew what he was thinking: that it had been awhile and maybe he could risk just a little peck. Mark was a reckless one, that's for sure.

"Guys, quit flirting so loudly. I was trying to get a few minutes extra sleep before Lewis pulls out the bugle," Beck strolled in and grabbed a ration packet.

"Flirting? With him?" You asked incredulously, jabbing your thumb toward Mark.

"And vice versa," Beck shrugged.

"You must be seeing things, maybe we should call a doctor?" Watney sassily took a sip of his drink.

"Hilarious," Beck replied. Chris had been fighting for you and Mark to get together for about as long as you've known him (which is a decent number of years, in case you were wondering.) Little did he know you had already jumped that fence. You felt bad for keeping it from him, but you were sure he'd understand given his thing with Johanssen.

"Oh good, you guys are already up." Lewis sighed "hey, can one of you wake up Martinez? He's not listening to a single word I say."

You gave Watney a sidelong glance. He groaned and downed the rest of his terrible space coffee. "Yeah sure, I can go get the bastard. I'll give him a piece of my mind while I'm at it." Mark stomped off to the bunks and Lewis followed him. You casually sat beside Beck, who gave you a knowing smile.

"You know Chris, it would probably happen on its own if you didn't push it so much." You mumbled against the rim of your cup in an attempt to hide a smile.

"It's obvious he likes you too. Practically written all over his face," Beck said. "Honestly though, you two don't even realize when you're flirting. It's kind of incredible."

You huffed, "Now's not the best time for all that, you know."

"I know, I know. Just, keep it on the table okay?"

"Whatever you say Dr. Beck," You snickered. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have an EVA to prep for."

Chris rolled his eyes and poked at the food on his plate, "you're excused."

~~~

"Alright team, stay in sight of each other. Let's make NASA proud today." Lewis announced.

"How's it looking over there Watney?" Martinez asked.

"Well, you'll be happy to hear that in grid section 14/28, the particles are predominantly coarse. But in 29 they're uh... much finer. That should be ideal for chem analysis."

"Oh wow! did everyone hear that? Mark just discovered dirt! Should we alert the media?" Martinez teased. Mark glanced up at you, but you couldn't see his face behind the helmet.

"Hey, you better watch it fly boy. I'm working this grid too!" You laughed.

"Sorry, what are you doing today Martinez? Making sure the MAV is still upright?" You could hear the smirk in Mark's voice.

"Well, I'd like you to know that visual inspection of the equipment is imperative to mission success," Rick preached. "I'd also like to report that the MAV is still upright."

You and Mark giggled as you worked on the grid. "Watney, you're keeping your channel open, which leads to Martinez responding, which leads to all of us listening, which leads to me being annoyed," Lewis scolded halfheartedly.

"Roger that, Martinez the captain would like you to please uh," Mark looked at you for approval and continued. "Shut your smart mouth."

Rick cackled and you playfully nudged Mark on the shoulder.

"We'd prefer you use a different adjective to describe Martinez's mouth." Beck said from inside the Hab, resulting in even more laughter from the rest of the crew.

"Did Beck just insult me?!"

"Dr. Beck and yes!"

"I'm happy to turn the radios off from here commander. Just say the word." Johanssen suggested.

"Johanssen, constant communication is the hallmark-" Watney started.

"Shut him off" Melissa gave the order.

"No-" Johanssen cut him off. Mark tossed his little hammer in the dirt and looked back at the captain like she had just kicked a kitten. You patted the shoulder of his suit and urged him to get back to work.

"I'm sorry for my countrymen, Vogel." Lewis said.

"Accepted," Vogel shrugged and glanced up at the sky. "The storm... It's closer than Houston reported."

"We've got time," Lewis said. "Focus on the task at hand. This EVA's all about chemical analysis. Vogel, you're the chemist so you're in charge of what we dig up."

"Ja, Please dig thirty centimeters and get soil samples. At least one hundred grams each. Very important is thirty centimeters down." Vogel clarified, eyes back on his work.

"Will do, stay within a hundred meters of the Hab," Lewis said.

You worked in peace and quiet for a few minutes. You measured the grid while Mark hammered the grid labels. You could hardly wait to take samples. Mark was right, it was perfect for chem analysis. Unfortunately, your work was short-lived because Johanssen had some bad news.

"Commander, you should come inside. You're gonna want to see this."

"What is it?" Lewis asked.

"Houston has upgraded the storm to 'severe.' It's going to be here in fifteen minutes." Johanssen said.

You perked your head up to get a look at the sky. Already it was getting darker.

"Martinez, how's it looking?" Asked commander Lewis.

"Not good." He said.

After a moment of contemplation, Lewis made her decision. "Back to base."

~~~

The Hab shook and the sound of wind and debris outside only exacerbated the tension within. Lewis commanded everyone to put on their flight suits and you congregated around the screen, wondering if this was the end of your mission.

"Sustained winds over one hundred kilometers per hour now. Gusting to one twenty-five," Johanssen frowned.

"Jesus, we're gonna end up in Oz," Watney said. "What's the abort speed?"

"One fifty kilometers per hour, anymore than that and the MAV's in danger of tipping." Martinez placed his hands on his hips.

"Any predictions on the storm track?" Lewis asked.

"This is the edge of it... It's gonna get worse before it gets better." Johanssen delivered the bad news with confidence. Silence fell over the group and you grabbed Mark's hand. You wished you could feel the warmth, but the gloves on the flight suit acted as a barrier. Watney met your sorrowful eyes. You'd have to end the mission before it even started. He let go of your hand and pressed you into his side. It was over. 25 sols early. You leaned your head against his shoulder and willed the grief to subside.

"Alright, prep for abort. We'll go to the MAV and hope for the best. If the wind gets too high, we launch." Lewis grabbed her helmet.

~~~

Outside the Hab, the wind was disastrous. Mark was nearly swept off his feet by the force of the gusts. He slammed into you, but you managed to keep him on his feet.

"Shit! Thanks." Watney regained his balance.

"Visibility is almost zero. If you get lost, hone in on my suit's telemetry! The wind's gonna be rougher away from the Hab, so be ready!" Lewis warned.

The Ares crew stumbled toward the MAV with ever increasing uncertainty. You had to lean into the wind to avoid being thrown backward. Mark wasn't doing much better. It didn't help that his mind wasn't on getting to the MAV safely, it was on how to keep it upright. Watney was smart, too smart for his own good.

"Hey," Watney panted. "Maybe we could shore up the MAV. Make tipping less likely."

"How?" Lewis Huffed.

"We could use cables from the solar farm as guylines. The rovers could be anchors. The trick would be getting the line around the-"

You choked on your scream as Mark was struck by a massive piece of wreckage, sending him off into the disorienting mist of dust and wind.

"MARK!" You screamed and tried to stumble after him, but you could barely see an inch in front of your helmet.

"What happened?" Lewis said.

"Something hit him!" Johanssen said shakily.

"Watney report..." Lewis said. You listened hard and prayed he'd answer. "Watney, report!" Nothing.

"He's offline, I don't know where he is." Johanssen reported as calmly as she could. You bit back a whimper as you shuffled forward.

"Commander, before we lost telemetry, his decompression alarm went off!" Beck said.

"Shit! Y/L/N, where did you last see him?" Lewis asked.

"H-he was right in front of me and then he was gone," you managed. "He flew off due west" You pointed.

"Okay, Martinez, get to the MAV and prep for launch. Everyone else, home in on Johanssen."

"Dr. Beck, how long can a person survive decompression?" Vogel asked.

"Less than a minute." Beck looked back at you. You could hear the pain in his voice. No. Mark couldn't be... He was just beside you a moment ago.

"Commander, the MAV's got a seven degree tilt. It'll tip at 12.3."

"Copy that."

He's alive, he can't be dead!

"Johanssen, Watney's bio-monitor sent something before going offline. My computer just says 'Bad Packet,'" Beck said.

"Give me a sec," Johanssen said.

"Commander, message from Houston. We're officially scrubbed. The storm's definitely too rough."

"Copy."

"Beck, I have the raw packet!" Johanssen said, "It's plaintext: BP 0, PR 0, TP 36.2. That's as far as I got."

Beck sighed and shook his head. "Blood pressure zero, pulse rate zero, temperature normal..."

Your chest tightened and your eyes burned. "Temperature normal?" You asked hopefully.

"It takes a while for the-" Beck swallowed. "It takes awhile to cool."

"Commander, tilting at 10.5 degrees now, with gusts pushing it to 11." Martinez reported.

"Copy, if it tips, launch."

"What about you commander?"

"I'm going to search a little more."

"You really think I'll leave you behind?" Martinez asked.

"I just ordered you to. You four, get to the ship." Lewis replied.

"Let me help search commander, we'll find him faster if we-" Lewis cut you off.

"That's an order, Y/L/N. Go."

Beck nudged you forward. You reluctantly allowed him to.

"Johanssen, would the rover IR camera do any good?"

"Negative. IR can't get through sand any better than visible light."

"What about the proximity radar? Could it detect Watney's suit?"

"No way. It's made to see Hermes, not the metal in a single space suit."

"Give it a try," Lewis ordered.

"Commander, I know you don't want to hear this... but Wat-... Mark's dead." Beck said.

No.

No.

Please...

Everything around you was a blur. You went through the motions from training. Strapping yourself in, readying your station, waiting for launch. You couldn't look at the empty seat beside you. You couldn't think about anything but your job right now, If you allowed your thoughts to that dark place, you'd have to be dragged along by the rest of the crew.

You couldn't do that to them. Not now.

Lewis returned to the ship and strapped herself in. "Still at pilot-release," Martinez said softly. "Ready for launch."

You swallowed the lump in your throat.

"I'm sorry Commander, you need to verbally-"

"Launch."

You felt the bone-crushing power of ascent. The g's did nothing but forcefully push the tears from your eyes.

You wish it would have been you.

~~~

Mark Watney closed out of the mission log application and stared at the computer screen for a few minutes. He couldn't fathom the hopelessness he was feeling, it was too deep to swim out of. What else was there to do but sit and wait to die? Maybe it would be easier to just go into the airlock and open the doors!

Watney turned his head to a picture of you on the wall behind the computer. It was there among other pictures of the crew and their families. You were standing with your brother in front of one of those rickety wooden roller coasters at Six Flags. He felt a painful twinge in his chest. You thought he was dead and there was no way to tell you otherwise.

He was completely alone, had the whole goddamned planet to himself. Mark rubbed his hands over his face. "Fuck..." he said. "Fuck!" he pulled at the hair on his head before looking up at the picture again. He wished he would have kissed you. He wanted to that morning when you were sharing coffee. He should have said he loved you. Mark hadn't said it in so long.

He knew you like the back of his hand. You were blaming yourself. Everyone in the crew was probably doing the same. He could barely stomach the thought.

Mark grabbed the picture from the wall and shuffled to the bunks. He was so tired and in a lot of pain from the stupid antenna. He was about to settle into his bed, when his eyes landed on yours. After a moment of deliberation, he hobbled into your bunk and pulled the covers up to his chin. It still smelled like you. He buried his face into your pillow and cried.

~~~

You sat in the dining area in the Hermes, watching as the windows slowly spun around. It had been about a week since the incident and you weren't sure you had any more tears left to cry. You did your best to keep on task during your waking hours, only allowing yourself to feel when everyone else was either asleep or taking the piloting shift.

Your fingers drummed lightly against the table, mingling with the beeps, boops, groans, and hums of the ship keeping you safe from the unforgiving vacuum of space. You thought about a lot of things. About Mark, his parents, the house he wanted so badly to buy, his favorite music, his plants growing in the botany lab... The one thing you didn't want to think about was his body, how it would be buried by sand and dust within the year, how Mars would never let it decay. You tried not to think about how if you had just reached for him, maybe he'd still be alive.

"Y/N?" A familiar German accent spoke. You tensed and dared a glance back at Vogel.

"Hey, what's up?" You plastered a grin on your face.

"I have noticed you've not been sleeping. You are... Okay?" He asked, lumbering closer. He was clearly very tired and you felt terrible he was here worrying about you instead of getting some much deserved rest.

"Yeah... Yeah I'm okay Alex, just... Can't sleep." You sighed.

"Have you spoken to doctor Beck? I am sure we have sleep medication on board."

"Oh I know... I just don't really want to bother him, you know? I mean, we're all going through it right now..." You shifted under his gaze.

"You are having bad dreams," Vogel stated. "You're afraid if you sleep, they will come back."

"How could you tell?" You peeked tiredly up at him.

"My little monkeys... before I left, some of them had bad dreams. A father can always tell." He sat down beside you at the table.

You felt your eyes burning again. You hadn't dared ask for comfort from your crew mates, not even Chris. Now that you were receiving it, you wished you had asked for it long ago. There was a hellish cocktail of emotions running through you: relief, sadness, safety, longing, despair. You were so relieved that Alex was here. You were sad to think about how deeply his loved ones must be missing him. You thought about what Alex said about his "little monkeys." Mark would have made a great father if he'd only had the chance.

"You love him. Very much," Vogel said.

"I did..." You whispered.

"You do." Alex grabbed your hand and the tears poured from your eyes. "You do..."

"I do," You let out a choked sob. Vogel pulled you into a gentle hug.

"This pain of loss we feel... It will never go away. But it will get easier to live with as time goes by. This, I promise is true."

"Thank you Alex." You whispered.

"You're welcome..." He patted your back and pulled away. "Now, shall we try some rest?"

"I'll try," you put on a brave face.

"And- what is it?-" He thought aloud. "When first you don't succeed-"

"Try try again," You said with a sad smile. "Words to live by."

~~~

LOG ENTRY: SOL 23

So, I'm still brain storming the whole, "Mark Watney can only really make his potato farm last 90 days," problem. Can't say It's going too well. I'm surrounded by the stench of my own shit. Kinda distracting.

I've made the executive decision to take a long overdue break out in the rover. Sure, logically I know I should probably utilize every spare second on planning my survival right down to the last drop of water, but riddle me this: just who is gonna stop me? Not NASA, that's for sure.

It's funny. I came into the rover to escape the rancid poop smell, but it seems to have followed me. Turns out, I was the poop smell all along! If Y/N were here, they would have forcibly shoved me into the shower. They'd say something like... "Don't even think about touching me until you smell like ocean breeze!" (What does ocean breeze even smell like? How do you smell a breeze?...)There are few things in life Y/N hates more than stink. Me being on Mars is probably one of them.

What I would give to see you right now. Even just a dream would be nice, but I guess that's asking too much.

I miss my parents a lot. Maybe that's an understatement. I haven't really let myself think about it, but sitting here in this cramped rover really has my mind wandering. I really should have told them about Y/N. Maybe if things don't work out for me, they could confide in each other.

I don't have much else to say. The calculations aren't done and quite frankly, I'm depressed.

I'll probably scrub this log from the system, It's kind of a downer.

~~~

You had been doing better. Getting at least 6 hours of sleep a day was an accomplishment and you were eating your meals, but a certain date on the calendar was growing closer. You made yourself busier and busier, but no amount of work would keep this day from coming.

LOG ENTRY: SOL 62

On Earth it's January 8th, which is a very special day. Our anniversary! It's official, we've been together for three years! Yeah, yeah I hear you. These logs are for work purposes only, but I promise no one's gonna see this one. Not even you.

I think about that day a lot. It was freezing outside and snowing everywhere. I don't even remember why we walked to the cafe that day, but I'm thankful for it. You were holding your hot cup so tightly and your coat wasn't nearly thick enough for the weather. You were complaining that the snow came early and I laughed at you.

I think we both knew for a long time that this would happen. A year at least. We kept ourselves just at arms length, on the brink of lovers without ever crossing that line. We never discussed it before, but we knew once the mission was over, we'd do it. We'd take that step.

I had wanted to kiss you all day. Want isn't really the word for it. How about craved. Desired? Yearned~

I wrapped my coat around you and you complained again, said that I'd catch a cold and it would all be your fault. The way you looked at me... Still gives me chills when I think about it. It's like I'm still standing on that sidewalk, snowflakes landing on my nose.

I told you, "I can think of something that'll warm us both up..."

You said, "Then what are you waiting for?"

I was right of course. I always am. I just didn't expect you to be so... magnetizing! Like damn babe, you had me weak in the knees! (What am I, a Disney princess?)

I'll be back with you someday. It'll be your anniversary present from me. You're welcome in advance. XOXO - World's Handsomest Boyfriend.

-P.S. You left your deodorant in the Hab. I've been using it. Totally not creepy.

-P.P.S. Who's the stinky one now?

-P.P.P.S. You better be prepared, when I get off this wasteland of a planet, I'm making up for lost time. You aren't gonna be able to walk for AT LEAST a week.

-P.P.P.P.S. I was talking about CUDDLING you perv~

(or was I? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

~~~

This had to be one of the greatest days in Mark Watney's life.

Contact.

Sweet, sweet contact!

[11:18]JPL: Mark, This is Venkat Kapoor. We've been watching you since Sol 49. The whole world's been rooting for you. Amazing job, getting Pathfinder. We're working on rescue plans. JPL is adjusting Ares 4's MDV to do a short overland flight. They'll pick you up, then take you with them to Schiaparelli. We're putting together a supply mission to keep you fed until Ares 4 arrives.

Watney could hardly believe it! Everything was working! They had known he was alive since Sol 49! His eyes were brimming and his breathing came out in short gasps as he fought to control himself. He used to take messages for granted, now they're the only tether he has to humanity.

He's not alone anymore.

His hands shook as he wrote out his message.

[11:29]Watney: Glad to hear it. Really looking forward to not dying. I want to make it clear it wasn't the crew's fault. What did they say when they found out I was alive?

Mark shifted in his seat. The reply was taking a bit longer than expected. He hadn't talked to anyone in so long. The thought of being so close, only to fail right in the beginning was terrifying. He wasn't sure he could survive that kind of disappointment.

[11:48]JPL: We haven't told the crew you're alive yet. We wanted them to focus on their own mission.

What. The. Fuck.

Mark covered his face with his hands and released a frustrated groan. "You've got to be shitting me!"

You didn't know. You didn't know he was alive.

"What the fuck? Wha... What the fuck?!" He took a shaky breath and wrestled with his frustration.

[12:05]Watney: They don't know I'm alive? What the fuck? WTF? Seriously! What the fuck is wrong with you?

[12:23]JPL: Please watch your language. Everything you type is being broadcast live all over the entire world.

They did not just say that.

After everything he has been through, there is no way JPL just told him to watch his language.

So, that's how they want to play it, huh?

[12:42]Watney: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit fuck! Fuck fuckity fuckfuckfuck! Oh look! A pair of boobs!-> (.Y.) How's that for watching my language, you goddamned bureaucratic felchers!

NASA got the message loud and clear.

~~~

Four months passed and you fell into a routine. Wake up, eat, work, sleep, repeat. It was predictable, which was something you were thankful for.

You took on Watney's role as the ship's botanist. You weren't as good as him, but really, who was? You couldn't match his skill even if you tried. Still, you followed all of his experiments. Took diligent notes and snapped as many pictures as you could.

Martinez joked that you took better care of the plants than yourself. It was one of those jokes meant to expose an underlying issue: You weren't looking after yourself. There was a shadow hanging over everything you did. The crew was experiencing it too. Mark Watney was one of a kind. Everyone he touched felt his loss so viscerally, so deeply.

You needed time, just like Vogel said. But that didn't mean everyone had to be okay with you beating yourself up like this.

Lewis knew better than anyone how you were feeling. As the Commander, she should have tried a little harder. And you... You were right there in arm's reach. Yes, Lewis knew how you felt only too well.

You heard a faint Knock in the doorway. You looked up from the camera and met Beck's eyes.

"Data dump will be completed soon. Care to join?" He smiled.

You managed a smile back, "Yeah, sure. I'm hoping I got something from my siblings. Maybe my niece and nephew too." You strapped the camera to the wall so it wouldn't float away, then you pushed yourself toward your crewmate.

"How about your parents?" He asked.

"Oh, that's a given. I can't get them to leave me alone," you chuckled.

You floated down to Semicone-A, where everyone else was already waiting for the data dump.

"Is it here yet?" Beck asked.

"Almost, it's at ninety-eight percent." Johanssen shot him a grin.

"You're looking cheerful, Martinez," Beck laughed.

"My son turned three yesterday." He beamed. Should be some pics of the party. How about you?"

"Oh, nothing special. Just some peer reviews of a paper I wrote a few years back."

"Complete," Johanssen said. "All the personal e-mails are dispatched to your laptops. Also there's a telemetry update for Vogel and a system update for me....Huh.... There's a voice message addressed to the whole crew."

"Play it." Lewis shrugged. Everyone gathered around the screen as Beth pressed play.

"Hermes, this is Mitch Henderson," the message started.

"Henderson? Talking directly to us without CAPCOM?"

Lewis raised her hand to signal silence.

"I have some news. There's no subtle way to put this:.....Mark Watney's still alive."

Your stomach dropped.

"Wha-" Beck choked.

"I know that's a surprise. And I know you'll have a lot of questions. We're going to answer those questions. But for now I'll just give you the basics. He's alive and healthy. We found out two months ago and decided not to tell you. I was strongly against all that. We're telling you now because we finally have communication with him and a viable rescue plan. It boils down to Ares 4 picking him up with a modified MDV. We'll get you a full write-up of what happened, but it's definitely not your fault. Mark stresses that every time it comes up."

You clenched your eyes shut as they burned painfully with tears.

"Take some time to absorb this. Your science schedules are cleared for tomorrow. Send all the questions you want and we'll answer them. Henderson out."

Silence fell over the bridge.

"He...He's alive?" Martinez beamed.

"He lives." Vogel nodded excitedly and squeezed your shoulder.

"Holy shit!" Beck laughed. "Holy shit! Commander! He's alive!"

"I left him behind," Lewis muttered.

You covered your eyes with your hands, fighting to stay quiet.

"No, hey... we all left togeth-"

"You followed orders...I left him behind. In a barren, unreachable, godforsaken wasteland." Lewis scowled and trudged off the bridge.

Everyone stood around the console. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

"Y/N?" Chris asked softly.

"Are you okay?" Beth added.

You shook your head. You couldn't look at any of them right now.

"I need a minute..." you said softly before hurrying back out of the Semicone. You retreated back to the comfort of the botany lab. It was all so much to process.

First Mark is dead, you left him behind to die. Then Mark is alive, you left him behind to die. He doesn't want you to blame yourselves, it was terrible luck. He's healthy. He can contact Earth. Mars is a desolate planet. He's all alone. On an entire planet. You left him there. He will never be safe until he's back on Earth soil. It will be four years until Ares 4 arrives.

He will be alone on Mars for four years.

You left him there.

~~~

Y/N,

I'm typing this letter to you because talking to you relaxes me. I won't actually be sending this to you. It's not going to be professional in nature like the other notes I've sent you. (JPL says that you have received all of them, but have neglected to send me any of your responses. The only one I have gotten from any of the crew was one from Lewis. She invited me for beer to make up for leaving me on Mars.)

Anyway, some bad stuff happened. I wish you were here. Not because I want you to have been launched by an airlock. Never that. I just really fucking miss you. I really need you right now. I almost died last night. I had to do some serious surgery on my suit to keep me alive and I had to sift through the dilapidated remnants of the Hab to find a new one.

I'm so tired. I just want you to hold me. I'm so sick of all of this. Fuck Mars, Fuck the Hab. I'm so sick and tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed. I miss you so much. You make every one of my bad days good. I know if you were here, everything would be okay again.

Why did this have to happen?

Mars keeps throwing curve balls at me, but I'm not giving up. I've got a lot to look forward to and I'm trying to focus on that.

-Mark

P.S. Your bed stopped smelling like you a month ago.

~~~

The crew of Ares 3 met in the Rec. A secret message had arrived not even an hour ago. One that would alter their mission by 533 extra days.

"Are we going to do it?" Johanssen asked.

"I won't lie, I'd sure as hell like to. But this isn't a normal decision. This is something NASA expressly rejected. We're talking about mutiny. And that's not a word I throw around lightly," Lewis explained. "We'll only do it if we all agree. And before you answer, consider the consequences. If we mess up the supply rendezvous, we die. If we mess up the Earth gravity assist, we die. If we do everything correctly, we add 533 days to our mission. 533 days of unplanned space travel where anything could go wrong. Maintenance will be a hassle. Something might break that we can't fix. If it's life-critical, we die."

"Sign me up!" Martinez announced, causing you to smile. At least someone else was as enthusiastic to bring Mark home as you were.

"Easy, cowboy. You and I are military. There's a good chance we'd be court-martialed when we get home. As for the rest of you, I guarantee they'll never send you up again," Lewis said.

"If we do this," Vogel looked to you and back at Lewis. "It would mean over one thousand days of space. This is enough space for a life. I do not need to return."

You couldn't have possibly said it better yourself. It was like Alex was reading your mind.

"Sounds like Vogel's in. Me too obviously," Martinez laughed.

"Let's do it," Beck agreed.

"If you think it'll work, I trust you," Johanssen said.

Lewis nodded and turned to you. "Y/L/N?"

"You don't even need to ask me. Let's go get our boy," You smiled.

Wow. This is the first time you've smiled... a real smile, since leaving Mars.

'Hang in there babe,' You thought. 'I'm on my way.'

~~~

LOG ENTRY: SOL 192-2

Yep, another secret letter do my dear, long lost love~ How predictable. I don't really care, today's been a great day. I can't believe you're coming back for me! Here I was, thinking I'd have to survive without you for four years. Then there you go, riding in from the sunset to bring me home.

Logically I know the rest of the crew had something to do with it, but I kind of like the idea that maybe I am a Disney princess and you're my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me.

It's like the story of Rapunzel, except my tower is a whole planet and instead of catching my hair, you're catching my MAV. Now that I think about it, the stories are more different than they are similar.

That hardly matters though, what does matter is that for the first time I actually feel like I'll survive. I trust our team with every fiber of my being, but most of all I trust you. I'm gonna rest easy tonight. And in the morning I'll start my work on the rovers!

See you in about a year babe! I'll be counting down the hours. Literally.

LOG ENTRY: SOL 426

Happy anniversary Y/N! You thought I'd forget? Never! You know why that is? Because I fucking love you, that's why!

Four years we've been together as of today, that's assuming we are counting the year we've been apart as "being together", (which I do.) Today I'm really beating myself up over frying Pathfinder with my drill all those months ago. It was my only form of communication with you and I royally fucked it up.

You'd think that cutting myself off from Earth, NASA and humanity at large would be what upset me the most. Nope, it's the fact that I can't send you a super sneaky secret anniversary e-mail. I also missed my parents' birthdays, your birthday, Christmas AND Thanksgiving. Twice. Also, fucking Valentine's day! I used to hate that holiday before I met you.

Anyway, as you can see, I totally have all my priorities in order! Also! I got you a present~ Since you have no way to read this, I don't feel bad spoiling it for you. I found a little rock. It's in the shape of a heart.

Awwww wow! That's cute, I just realized that I'm giving you my heart for our anniversary! To be honest, you had it a long time ago.

I miss you. I miss your smell, your eyes, the feel of your skin. Most of all, I really, really miss your voice. I just want to hear you. I've forgotten what you sound like. I'm scared If I didn't have this picture of you and your brother, I'd forget what your face looks like too.

I'm starting my long commute to Schiaparelli in 23 days. It'll be a two month drive. I really hate driving in the rover. But if it gets me to you, who cares? I'm stalling. I've got a lot of work tomorrow and I just want to enjoy today. I wish I was there with you to enjoy it obviously, but we can't all get what we want (least of all, me.) I've learned how to settle.

Speaking of settling, what do you think about getting married in the woods, or a big grassy field? I'd like there to be as much green as possible. No red or orange, we're talking the opposite side of the color wheel here. I can picture you walking down the aisle. I'll be an absolute mess, but who cares. You're the love of my life. Thanks for, y'know, coming back to pick me up instead of leaving me to die on Mars.

I hope you like the rock.

-Mark

P.S. I grew a beard and my hair looks like the 80's had a baby with a grease monster. You'd hate it.

P.P.S. I hope you're into pirates~

P.P.P.S. Y/N Watney... Mark Y/L/N... hmmmmm, so hard to choose!

P.P.P.P.S. We are never eating potatoes again.

P.P.P.P.P.S And ABSOLUTELY NO DISCO MUSIC!

~~~

You stared at Mars creeping back into view. The last time you were here, Mark was sitting beside you, arm around your waist, your head on his shoulder. Maybe it wasn't your most subtle of moments, but how could anyone not be enthralled by the beauty of the red planet? Even now it was hard not to feel stricken with wonder.

Sometimes your mind played tricks on you. You'd see a speck of dust on the window and think you could see Watney on the surface. That was ridiculous of course, There is no possible way to see an individual person this far out. That didn't stop you from imagining it.

NASA had briefed everyone on the Martian's health, explained that he wouldn't look the same as the last time you saw him. You expected as much, but the thought still worried you. It wasn't that you were worried if you'd still find him attractive, there was no force on Earth or beyond that could change how much you loved Mark Watney. It was his health that worried you.

During all your back and forth questions with NASA that Henderson had arranged, you inquired about his health. They said he was doing well, but that he was stretching his little amount of food to its limits. That's what scared you the most. How would his immune system fare? How would he acclimate back to normal food on Earth? All of these questions went unanswered. NASA was honest, "we won't know for sure until he gets here."

"Mind if I join you?" Lewis asked softly, floating a short distance away.

"Of course Commander. I'd like the company," You said. It was surprising to realize you actually meant it. It'd been awhile since you wanted to spend time with anyone.

Melissa floated further into the cupola and settled beside you.

"Crazy to think that in a few days he'll be up here with us again..." Lewis said softly.

"Yeah..." you said softly, keeping your eyes ahead.

"I know how much you miss him... You two were always great friends."

You swallowed hard and tried to ignore the pit in your stomach as you nodded. "Yeah..."

You could see Lewis looking at you out of the corner of your eye. Her expression was conflicted. "I'm really sorry this happened. I know it's been hard on you. I should have searched a little longer-"

"Commander." You stopped her from continuing. "You did all you could. You made the right decision. I wish none of this had happened, but none of this was your fault. It couldn't have been easy to make the choice, and I'm willing to bet that if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have been strong enough to do it. I'm sure everyone else feels the same exact way, Mark included." You placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Thanks, that's... Thank you," Melissa smiled.

"We're a team, that's what we do. We keep each other grounded."

"That's actually sort of what I wanted to talk to you about..."

"What do you mean?"

"NASA just sent the message a few minutes ago. They're letting us talk to Watney... Directly," Lewis said. You blinked in surprise. No matter how many times you asked, NASA wouldn't allow any kind of direct communication. You wondered why the sudden change of heart.

"Henderson thinks we need to remind him of what he has to look forward to, keep his eyes on the prize so to speak. At least, that's how he's been pitching it to the director. Anyway, the rest of the crew and I agree you should be the one to do it," she finished.

"R-really? I can talk to him?" You asked hopefully, hoping this wasn't a dream.

"Y/N, I can't think of anyone else he would need to hear from more."

~~~

Mark was waiting by the coms in the MAV for any final updates from NASA regarding the meticulous destruction of his ship, piece by piece. He had just finished taking out the main window and it was heavy as hell, even in Mars gravity. He was happy he at least had some time to rest after all that hard work. If he was lucky, maybe they'd wait too long and it would be too dark to get any work done. He could use a good sleep, it seemed like he was needing it more and more lately. Watney suddenly heard the telltale beeps that signaled an incoming message. He was expecting a barrage of questions about his progress, instead he got something so much better.

[19:22] Y/L/N: Hey, Mark.

Mark's voice got caught in his throat.

Y/N.

It had been so fucking long since he talked to you. His eyes burned and his hands shook. Watney leaned his head back in relief, thanking god for this incredible gift. "I just about gave up on you man..." Mark smiled to the sky before nervously typing back.

[19:23] MAV: Y/N!? Holy crap! They're finally letting you talk to me directly?

You released a sigh and covered your face with your hands. He was responding! Really responding! Everyone was looking at you. Beck beamed at you while Martinez watched on with interest. Lewis was waiting to see if you could handle it. No way you were gonna let this one chance slip through your fingers. You sniffed and wiped your eyes before responding.

[19:24] Y/L/N: Yes, NASA just gave the OK for direct communication an hour ago. We're only 35 light-seconds apart, so we can talk in near-real time. Johanssen just set up the system and I'm testing it out.

Mark sighed and smiled. Level headed and professional as always. How you had such self control, he had no idea.

[19:24] MAV: What took them so long to let us talk?

You looked up at Lewis, silently asking if you could relay the truth. She nodded.

[19:25] Y/L/N: The psych team was worried about personality conflicts. [19:25] MAV: Why? Just 'cause you guys abandoned me on a godforsaken planet with no chance of survival?

Mark typed without thinking and as soon as he hit send, he regretted it. He didn't want you to feel bad, It was a joke. You'd understand that right?

[19:26] Y/L/N: Not funny. Don't make me come down there and kick you.

Watney let out a choked laugh. Half a chuckle and half a sob.

[19:26] MAV: God I missed you.

You smiled at the screen and pushed down the urge to hug Martinez behind you. You were really talking to him! He was only 35 light-seconds away! Suddenly you realized you were blessed with an opportunity even more amazing than just talking with him. You could ask him what you had been asking in all of your disregarded emails!

[19:27] Y/L/N: We missed you too. I've had to take over the botany lab. You'll be happy to know I haven't killed any of your plants...Yet. How are you feeling? We've gotten a few updates from NASA regarding your health, but nothing in incredible detail.

Watney chuckled at the text appearing in front of him. 'Cute,' he thought.

[19:27] MAV: Awwww, are you worried about me?

The crew laughed and you shook your head, swiftly adding your response.

[19:28] Y/L/N: Do I really need to answer that?

Mark snickered and decided not to tease you. He wanted to tell you all of his woes and adequately prepare you for how much he had changed. But he didn't want to put a damper on the mood. Luckily, Watney was a master at sugarcoating.

[19:29] MAV: I'm doing okay. My clothing feels a little loose and I'm craving spaghetti. I'm also in desperate need of a shower. Other than that, I'm just fine. Looking forward to seeing you and the rest of the crew.

Your smile fell. You were happy he was being at least somewhat honest, but you knew it was probably worse than he was making out to be. Unfortunately, Watney was a master at sugarcoating.

[19:29] Y/L/N: We're looking forward to seeing you too. I think it's safe to say a big group hug is in order, if I can get Vogel in on it that is.

Watney hummed at the thought of holding you in his arms. The image was so clear, yet so far away.

[19:30] MAV: At this point, I'd even settle for holding hands. Group hug sounds nice. How are you doing Y/N? I wrote you a lot of emails.

You grimaced and thought your next words through very carefully. With the crew watching, it was hard to collect your thoughts.

[19:31] Y/L/N: I wrote you plenty of my own. There was only so much air time to be used outside of helping you survive. My guess is they put priority on Commander Lewis' emails. Rightfully so of course. I'm doing fine. I've missed you a lot. To be honest, a lot is probably a huge understatement. It's hard to express exactly what I want to say over message.

Mark nodded. You watched him presumably die, leave his 'body' behind, mourn his loss over a period of months, find out you left him there alive, be unable to talk to him for about a year, and suddenly he was here reading and responding to your messages, but you have to limit the details so as to keep those private thoughts private. He couldn't imagine what he would do if the roles were reversed. What you wanted to say needed to be kept between you and him. He understood. There was a lot he wanted to say too.

[19:32] MAV: I know what you mean. I'll be there soon, then you can tell me all about it in person. And I'll tell you all about my space crops and my long voyage to the MAV. Have I mentioned I'm a space pirate?

The crew laughed and for a moment, it felt like he was there. Really there.

[19:33] Y/L/N: Good to know you're still the funniest person on Mars. [19:33] MAV: Thanks! [19:33] MAV: Wait a minute! Rude! Don't make me come up there! [19:34] Y/L/N: Don't threaten me with a good time, Watney. [19:34] MAV: ;)

You were about to make some really elaborate emoji out of parentheses and dots, when you saw a notification from NASA. Playtime was over. You scowled as you broke the news to your boyfriend.

[19:34] Y/L/N: I hate to cut this short, but NASA wants us to keep the line open. We'll be in touch asking for updates on your progress, but don't expect too much witty banter.

Mark's heart sank a little, but there was no use in leaving such a perfect night on a sour note.

[19:35] MAV: Figures. NASA never lets me do anything fun! Tell the others I said hi. [19:36] Y/L/N: I'll be sure to pass it along!

Mark's leg tapped nervously. He knew NASA was right about keeping the line open, but he really didn't want it to end yet.

[19:36] MAV: Hey, thanks for coming to get my sorry ass. [19:36] Y/L/N: No thanks necessary. We'd do it a million times over.

Watney knew you meant it. He could feel the warmth through the bland MAV text on the screen. He couldn't wait to be up there with you...But what if something went wrong? Fuck, don't think about this now! Everything's going to be fine! Right? But what if... There was always a chance, especially on Mars, that things would not go your way. And the likelihood of him surviving this mission was slim at best. He needed to tell you. He should have said it a lot more. A whisper here and there in the hallways, maybe some stupid middle school secret code. Like hell he was going to pass up this one chance, consequences be damned.

[19:37] MAV: I love you, Y/N.

Your heart lurched in your chest. The room fell silent. Martinez lightly squeezed your shoulder. Your eyes flitted around the room to your colleagues. All of them stared with bewildered looks on their faces. What were you supposed to say? What if you got him in trouble? If he was worried about that, why would he send this in the first place?

'You know what, Fuck it,' you thought.

Watney watched the screen with baited breath. "Please..." He whispered. "Please."

[19:38] Y/L/N: I love you too Mark. Sleep well, we'll be there before you know it.

Mark released a cry of joy and typed through the tears.

[19:39] MAV: You too. Goodnight. [19:39] Y/L/N: Goodnight, Mark.

The line received no new messages after that. Mark rested there a moment before retreating back to the rover. Once the airlock had engaged, he removed his helmet and admired the picture of you and your brother he had taped to the rover computer.

He used to take those words for granted. Why say it when you could show it? He showed it to you as often as he could... At least he used to. You never made him question it for a second. You gave him compliments, brought him water on late nights, listened to his nerdy ramblings about plants and D&D. He'd help you to bed when you were too tired to stand, work out the knots in your shoulders while you typed. Over a year has passed and your grip on his heart is still firm. And when you said those three little words, all of it made sense again. Mark Watney would never again question the power of I love you. He was going to remind you every chance he got. He was going to ask you for it as often as possible. His mom and dad would hear it in every phone call, and no more excluding his friends. He loved them too. He would say it until the term loses all meaning, then he'd remember this night where I love you saved his life.

Mark took off his gloves and danced his thin fingers over the photograph.

"See you soon, baby..." He whispered, "I love you."

~~~

You pulled on your headset and took a deep, self soothing breath. In an hour, the love of your life was going to be launched into Mars's orbit in what could barely be considered a MAV. The thing was a Frankenstein version of the shuttle you had taken off the planet nearly two years ago.

You shook your head. What Mark needed right now was confidence. You could do that.

"How you feeling Y/L/N?" Martinez smiled over at you.

"Like I'm gonna throw up," You laughed.

"Anxious huh?" He smirked, "For the launch, or for your man?"

"Both," You smacked his arm and rolled your eyes. Martinez and Beck hadn't stopped giving you crap for the I love you texts. You didn't mind too much, it was nice being able to acknowledge that side of your relationship with Mark. Unfortunately it made for some rather awkward conversations with the NASA administrators.

"You got nothing to worry about, he's in good hands," Rick said reassuringly.

"I know, we're all badass trained professionals with years of experience," you chuckled. "I can't help it. I'm built to worry."

"You've checked and double checked the telemetry. Johanssen confirmed all of your calculations. It's going to be a smooth ride for sure."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

//////////

Mark scowled at his reflection in the mirror and stroked his beard. He looked like shit, no way around it. He hadn't taken a moment to really look at himself for a long time and he couldn't say he liked what he saw.

"It's the end of an era," Watney said to nobody as he grabbed the razor. "No more captain blonde-beard."

Mark took his time shaving his chin and trimming the hair on his head. By the end of it, he still looked like shit but slightly less so. He felt a little more like himself at least.

He patted his chest to make sure the picture was still there, tucked under his uniform. It was there, along with his anniversary present to you. He slipped the headset over his ears and turned it on. It was nearly time to go. Watney pulled the suit on over his head and double checked if it was all on securely.

"I'm leaving Mars today, one way or another..." He whispered. "About fucking time."

//////////

"Fuel engine green," Your voice seemed to cause time itself to slow down. Not just for Mark, but for the entire world. "Engine alignment, perfect." Mark closed his eyes took a series of deep breaths, trying in vain to keep his emotions in check. "Communications five by five. We are ready for preflight checklist, Commander."

"Copy." Lewis said. "Mission Control, this is Hermes actual. We will proceed on schedule. we have T minus two minutes, ten seconds to launch... Mark." The commander turned her attention to the man of the hour. "About two minutes Watney. How you doing down there?"

"I'm good." He swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. "I'm anxious to get up to you. Thanks for coming back for me."

You sniffed and shot a smile to Johanssen, who sent you a grin of her own.

"We're going to make it happen. Remember, You'll be pulling some pretty heavy g's. It's okay if you pass out. You're in Martinez's hands."

"Well, tell that asshole no barrel rolls."

"Copy that, MAV."

"CAPCOM."

"Go," you said.

Mark's bottom lip quivered

"Guidance."

"Go," Johanssen said.

"Remote Command."

"Go," Martinez said.

"Telemetry."

"Go," you said again.

He couldn't fight it anymore, he let the tears fall.

"Recovery."

"Go," Beck said.

"Secondary Recovery."

"Go," Vogel said.

"Pilot."

Mark steadied his voice before speaking, "go."

"Mission control, we are go for launch. T minus ten," You said.

"Nine."

"Eight."

"Seven."

"Six."

"Five."

Mark closed his eyes and focused on your voice. "See you in a few, baby..." He whispered.

"Four."

"Three."

"Two."

"One."

The force of the blast was incredible, and growing more painful by the second. His breathing came out short and panicked as the Hab canvas rattled nightmarishly against the MAV. His panic only increased as the canvas ripped from the shuttle, exposing him to the full force of the MAV's thrust. He couldn't even scream. All he could do was watch the sky grow darker and darker.

"Watney." He heard your voice from far away.

"Watney, do you read me?" Your voice called again. His eyes drooped and his vision faded.

//////////

"Watney. Do you read?" You asked in the calmest voice you could muster.

"He's probably passed out. He pulled 12 g's on the ascent. Give him a few minutes," Beck said.

"Copy that." You said and turned your attention on the numbers before you. "I have interval pings. Intercept velocity will be eleven meters per second."

"I can make that work," Beck confirmed.

"Distance at intercept will be....we'll be sixty-eight kilometers apart..." You whimpered and buried your face in your hands.

"Did they say sixty-eight Kilometers? Kilometers?!" Beck cried.

"Keep it together, work the problem. Martinez, any juice left in the MAV?" Lewis asked.

"Negative, Commander."

"Then we'll have to go to him. Y/L/N, time to intercept?"

"Thirty-nine minutes, twelve seconds," You steeled yourself and focused on your coordinates.

"Martinez, what if we point the attitude thrusters all the same direction?" Lewis asked.

"Depends on how much we want to save for the attitude adjustments on the trip home."

"How much do you need?"

"I could get by with maybe twenty percent of what's left. If I use the other eighty percent... We'd get a delta-v of thirty-one meters per second."

"Y/L/N, Math."

"In thirty-nine minutes, we'd deflect....seventy-two kilometers! Use seventy-five point five percent of remaining attitude adjust fuel. That'll bring the intercept range to zero," You did the math quickly.

"Do it." Lewis said.

"Hold your horses, that'll get the range to zero, but the velocity will be forty-two meters per second."

"Then we have thirty-nine minutes to figure out how to slow down. Burn the jets."

//////////

Mark awoke to find himself spinning. Flashes of stars and the red glow of the Martian surface had him feeling a little dizzy. "MAV to Hermes?"

"Watney?" You gasped.

"Affirmative," he grunted.

"What's your status?" You asked calmly.

"Uhhh..." He winced and leaned back in his seat. "My chest hurts. I think I broke a rib. How are you, sweetheart?" He groaned.

"We're working on getting to you," you relayed. "There was a complication in the launch."

"Yeah," Watney dejectedly looked at the massive hole in the roof of his ship. "The canvas didn't hold. I think it ripped early in the ascent."

"That's consistent with what we saw during the launch," Lewis agreed.

"How bad is it, Commander?" he asked.

"We were able to correct the intercept range with Hermes's attitude thrusters, but there's a problem with the intercept velocity."

"How big a problem."

"Forty-two meters per second."

"Well..." Mark paused and tried to wrap his head around that number. "Shit."

//////////

You typed furiously, staring at your screen unblinkingly as you worked through all the possible ways to bring down the velocity.

"Hey, I've got an idea," Watney said.

"Of course you do, what have you got?" Lewis asked.

"I could find something sharp in here and poke a hole in my EVA suit. I could use the escaping air as a thruster and fly my way to you. The source of thrust would be on my arm, so I'd be able to control it pretty easily."

"How does he come up with this shit?" Martinez laughed.

"I can't see you having any control if you did. You'd be eyeballing the intercept using a thrust vector you can barely control."

"I admit it's fatally dangerous, but consider this: I'd get to fly around like Iron Man."

"We'll keep working on ideas," Lewis said.

"Iron Man, Commander. Iron Man."

"Stand by," Lewis temporarily cut contact with Watney.

You furrowed your brows at the screen, waiting for the correct course of action to jump out at you. Suddenly, there it was. "Wait! that's it!" you looked back at the Commander. "Mark's a genius! We could use the ship's atmosphere as thrust. We could blow the vehicular airlock. Seal the bridge and the reactor room. Iron Man... But bigger!"

"....." Melissa stared at you for a moment before addressing Alex. "Vogel?"

"Yes commander?"

"I need you to come inside and make a bomb," she ordered.

~~~

"I have visual, I can see the MAV," Beck said. "Jesus Mark, what did you do to that thing?"

"You should see the rover," Mark radioed. He was ready to get out of his goddamned chair, ready to get away from this hunk of junk that could barely be considered a MAV.

"Call out my velocity to Mark every two seconds or so," Chris said.

"Copy." You responded.

"Hey Beck, the front's wide open. I'll get up there and be ready to grab at you." Watney said.

"Negative, no untethered movement. Stay strapped to your chair until you're attached to Beck."

"Copy." Mark huffed. Lewis was right, impatience would be the death of him out here and he had come too far to die now. Instead, he focused on your voice calling out the relative velocity.

"Three point one meters per second."

"Eleven meters to target."

"Six meters."

"Contact." Beck grabbed the canvas of the destroyed MAV. "Firm contact."

"You have fourteen seconds Dr. Beck."

"Copy."

Nothing could have prepared Watney for how he'd feel seeing Beck's helmet poking through the opening.

Pure. Unadulterated. Serotonin.

"Visual on Watney!"

"Visual on Beck!"

"How ya doin' man?" Beck pushed himself toward Mark, meanwhile Mark was trying not to have another emotional breakdown.

"I....I just...Give me a minute, you're the first person I've seen in eighteen months," Watney croaked.

"We don't have a minute," Beck clumsily collided with Mark. "Contact with Watney... Connected!"

"Restraints off," Watney called.

"We're outta here!"

//////////

"Houston, this is Hermes actual. Seven crew safely aboard," Lewis's voice echoed in your mind as you, Martinez, Johanssen, and Lewis pushed yourselves toward the airlock where Vogel and Beck were bringing him in.

Mark.

You could see his dusty helmet from the small window on the airlock. Already you were feeling an overwhelming ache deep in your chest. There he was, only a few feet away, behind this door. Your crewmates flew in and clambered for Watney.

"Hey guys!" He laughed.

You were frozen in the doorway.

His helmet came off.

Everything slowed down.

Everyone was smiling and laughing. High fiving. Quick hugs. They all wanted to get as far away from the smell as they could.

Your eyes met.

There were beads of what looked like water floating in the air. When did you start crying?

Mark held out his arms to you and you wasted no more time. He hugged you as tightly as he could with the bulky arms of his EVA suit. His face buried into your neck as he cried softly. "Y/N...." He whispered in a broken voice. "Y-Y/N?"

"I'm right here Mark... Right here." You cradled the back of his head, scratching that spot at the base of his neck. He always liked it when you did that

"I stink, don't I?" Watney laughed in between sobs.

"You do. You really do," You tried to keep up the joke. "But if im being completely honest, I couldn't possibly care less," you laughed.

Slowly, you pulled back so you could get a good look at his face. He was thin. Gaunt, and covered in bed sores. That should have been expected of course, It's not like he had anywhere to shower in the rover. He looked at you like you were an angel. He looked embarrassed, like he wanted to hide.

Your fingers danced over his cheek and his eyes fluttered closed at the tenderness. The crew watched on with pride and varying degrees of bashfulness.

Mark opened his eyes and stared at you pleadingly as orbs of tears flowed from their corners. "Y/N... Please..." He whispered.

You didn't hesitate for a second.

You grabbed the sides of Mark's face and smashed your lips against his. So soft... your hands are so soft and your lips are trembling. The heat of your skin, the scent of your hair. It was even better than he remembered. He couldn't breathe, he could barely even think. He wanted so desperately to kiss you back, to fall into your embrace until there's no space left between, but his ribs hurt like hell and his suit was in the way. Mark whimpered as your fingers tangled into his hair. Fuck. Fuck. 'Everything hurts baby, please don't stop kissing me,' he pleaded in his head. 'Don't stop.'

When you started pulling away, he reached out to pull you closer again, but winced when he moved his arm.

"Slow down, baby." You breathed and pressed a little smooch to his forehead.

"Alright love birds, I need to get Iron Man over here to sick bay."

"But-" Watney protested.

"No buts, you need an X-ray and a shower. Maybe three." Beck laughed.

Mark looked at you pleadingly and you caressed his face. "I'll be by once Beck fixes you up. I gotta help check the ship for damage. Okay?"

He nodded and smiled. "Don't miss me too much~"

"You seek the impossible, Watney." You kissed his forehead again and let Chris lead your Martian down the hall to his quarters.

"Wow," Martinez said "I can't decide if that was incredibly romantic or incredibly awkward."

"Shut up Martinez," You playfully shoved his shoulder.

"Honestly though, he smells terrible! You've got some nerves of steel, Y/L/N," Johanssen joked.

"My boyfriend just spent eighteen months alone on a remote planet, If he wants a kiss he's gonna get that goddamned kiss. Definitely not a quick one and definitely not a half-assed one. But I will say one thing," you grinned.

"What's that?" Lewis smirked.

"He's not getting another one until he brushes his teeth."

~~~

Mark settled into his bunk after what felt like hours. He finally had a bath. Five, in fact. The showers were on a timer to conserve water. He had to run that timer five times before he finally felt clean. The water hurt the sores on his skin, but he felt so much better afterward that he almost wanted to go in for a sixth one. Mark brushed his teeth about three times and got rid of all the tangles in his hair. He'd need someone to touch up the cutting job he did. Now that it was all brushed out, it looked astoundingly bad.

After his long grooming session, Beck took an X-ray and determined that he'd broken two ribs. Chris bandaged him up, gave him some pain medicine, made him eat, and sent him to bed for some well deserved rest. At first, Mark protested. He hated the idea of everyone else fixing the ship while their lead engineer was taking a nap. But he was painfully tired and painfully...well... in pain.

Hey! His bunk didn't smell like shit! That's a huge upgrade from his bunk in the Hab- no more thinking about that place.

With a deep groan, Watney eased himself into bed. Weird...his sheets smelled like you. He didn't mind of course, you always smelled nice. He had never been more thankful for the centripetal force spinning the ship. He would have hated having broken ribs in zero g's. He imagined trying to sleep with his body constantly moving ever so slightly. Sounded like hell to him.

Mark wondered what the others were doing. He hoped there wasn't something too terribly wrong with the ship. The subtle groans of metal didn't ease his nerves. He was never scared of the Hermes before, but he was just now coming to terms with that fact that the ship had taken some serious abuse over the past few months, not to mention the past few hours. Normally Hermes would undergo maintenance after each mission, but because they turned around to get him that maintenance was scrapped.

New fear unlocked: Dooming his team to die in space because they had to turn around and get him.

He almost thought the knocking on his door was the hull breaking apart into a billion little bite-sized pieces.

"Come in," he said.

He expected it to be Beck checking in on him, but he was relieved when you poked your head in with a shy smile.

"Heyyyy, look over there! It's the world's handsomest boyfriend!" You said with gusto.

"You are such a kiss ass," Mark laughed, which hurt his ribs, which made him laugh again from how pitiful he must look.

You scoffed as you stepped into his quarters, shutting the door behind you. "You calling me a liar?" you grabbed a loose storage box and used it as a chair so you could sit beside his bed.

"That's exactly what I'm calling you," he smirked. "Seriously. Have you seen me lately? I look like a... a popsicle stick with a bad haircut."

You looked him up and down. His sores looked a lot better after cleaning them. You had no doubt they would heal nicely. The malnourishment on the other hand... That might take some work. You and Beck already had a few dietary plans for him. You discussed it while you reorganized the chow hall. Still, Mark was the most beautiful person you had ever seen. Even now, those alluring blue eyes were mesmerizing you. And let's not forget that goddamned tantalizing smile.

"I'm looking at you right now, babe," You giggled.

"And?"

"You're still as gorgeous as ever. Just a gorgeous man who's been through some shit," you carded your fingers through his hair. Mark hummed and closed his eyes. "How are you feeling?" you whispered.

"Physically or emotionally?"

"Both."

"Emotionally, happy. Very happy. Best day of my life kind of happy," he smiled. "Physically, pretty shitty. The medicine hasn't kicked in."

"Anything I can do to help you feel better?" you asked warmly.

Watney sent you a smug look, "Oh, I can think of a few things that might help~"

"Not until your ribs are healed."

"Damn."

You leaned down and pushed his hair back so you could kiss his forehead. He gave you a dazed grin, "oh, what do you know? I feel better already," he whispered in a gravelly voice. "... I really missed you..."

"I missed you too Mark..."

"I can't believe I can... I can feel you again. I can hear you and see you and feel you... s'insane..." He reached up and cupped your cheek despite the pain. "You were always on my mind. I-I just really wanted... I wanted to make it back to you." He brought his thumb just under your eye to catch a stray tear.

You covered his hand with yours and pressed a kiss to his palm.

"I-I don't even know what to say... I've been feeling so much, I don't know how to... how to-" He swallowed hard.

"Everything's changed so fast," you reassured him. "But we aren't on the messaging system anymore. It's a long journey home, we have plenty of time to find the right words," you continued to run your fingers into his hair.

"I fucking love you... " he closed his eyes and reveled in the feeling of your nails against his scalp. "I'm gonna marry you one day, decided just now."

"Just now?" You snickered.

"No...Realistically, it was the first night we uh... slept together. Do you remember that?" Watney chuckled.

"Of course I do," you smiled, thinking of his messy blonde hair, searing gaze, and strong arms. He took his time with you that night, unhurried, attentive, and unabashedly vocal. "How could I forget?"

Mark shook his head and looked away to hide his blush, but not even his smile could distract you from it. "Sorry, sorry. Go on, continue!"

"Well, I uh..." He let out a sheepish chuckle. "Obviously every part of that night was perfect, but it's what happened after that really changed things."

"Oh?" you leaned closer, curiosity getting the better of you.

"You let me be the little spoon. I'm fine with being the big spoon most of the time, but you gotta be the little spoon sometimes, you know? No one ever let me be the little spoon before you... And when I woke up, you were still holding me." His fingertips danced down your arm, leaving a trail of chills in their wake. Once he reached your hand, Mark intertwined your fingers. It wasn't a conscious movement for him, simply muscle memory. But you couldn't keep your mind off of it. "I know I goof around a lot, but I can't stress how serious I'm being when I say... I have never felt that loved before. It was just... such a perfect night. I knew that you were the one for me well before, but that was the first time I really saw my future flash before my eyes like that."

Your eyes stung a little as you tenderly kissed his lips. "Want to know when I decided?" you whispered against him.

"Please..." He whispered back.

"Remember when I had that terrible flu during the first year of our training program?"

"Oh damn, yeah I do! You looked terrible, baby." Mark teased.

"I felt terrible. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and I definitely couldn't go to lectures... I was so worried about missing, even though the professors agreed there was no way I could come to class. You brought me a copy of your notes. The copy machine in the library was down, so you had to write them by hand... you even filled them with these horrible stick figure drawings," you laughed and Mark brought your knuckles to his lips and watched you, immersed in the sound of your voice. It was like he was trying to commit you to memory. You were doing much the same.

"Anyway, you stayed with me and you made some Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. You stopped by everyday until I got better."

"We were just friends back then," he whispered against your hand.

"I know, but every time I think about how much I love you... that memory comes back, playing on repeat."

"Say that again."

"That again," you smirked. Mark gave you a sassy eyebrow. "Which part babe?" you laughed.

"The uh..." he trailed off.

You lightly kissed his cheek, "I love you, Mark... I love you so much." You peppered his face with little smooches. When you finally pulled back, he was all red again and teary eyed.

"I love you too, Y/N," He whispered. You sat together in silence for awhile before Mark suddenly remembered something extremely important! "Oh shit! I almost forgot!" He winced as he reached into his pocket. "Happy late four year anniversary!" He finally presented you with his gift.

Your fingers trembled as you took the little rock into your hands. Mark's Martian heart stared back up at you, dusting your palm orange.

"Y-you remembered our anniversary?"

"Of course I remembered! Have I ever forgotten before?" Mark smirked.

"N-no, but..." You couldn't help it, you were crying again god dammit. "Thank you Mark, I love it." You beamed and kissed him so hard he lost his entire train of thought. He sighed and pulled you closer like he had wanted to do hours ago. Fuck. There you go again, playing with his hair like it wasn't going to rile him up. He moaned and reached for your waist, only to be pulled swiftly back to reality by the jarring pain in his abdomen. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Mark." You pulled away quickly.

"It wasn't you, I was getting too carried away." He winced and took a deep breath. "My bad," Watney laughed.

You sat down on the crate beside his bed and settled for playing with his hand. While you took inventory of every new callus, Mark once again saw his future flash right before his eyes. You and him and that little house with the green shutters. He's gonna have the best garden in the neighborhood, you'll have all the time in the world for reading. No potatoes. No disco.

"Y/N... Can you hold me?"

"Oh baby, I would love to but the beds are so small-"

"Ouch, oof, oh! ow!" He scooted closer to the wall to make room for you.

You sighed and shook your head. "Mark, your ribs-"

"Please..." he whispered. Dammit! What are you supposed to do when he gives you the puppy eyes!? Beck is going to kill you...

"I can't ever say no to you, can I?" You laughed and scooted into the bed. "Seriously, you've got me wrapped around your finger."

Mark smiled as you tucked yourself into his side. He wanted to be the little spoon, but he couldn't turn over so his back was against your chest. He'd just have to heal quickly, then he could freely snuggle, (and do other things) without any constraints!

He turned his head so he could admire your lovely, beautiful face. You were already looking back at him, one hand holding your rock close to your chest, the other was draped carefully over his waist. Mark swears he's never seen anything more breathtaking in his life.

He slowly leaned closer- Fuck! His ribs hurt so bad, where the hell is the Vicodin when you need it?

You gently smoothed out the crease between his brows with your thumb and pushed his hair back again. Mark closed his eyes, succumbing to the bliss that came with knowing he would never be alone again. You kissed him again and pulled his blanket over the both of you.

"I love you, Mark."

"I love you too."

He felt your hand slip under his shirt and onto his stomach. You drew soft shapes onto his skin, but stopped when you felt the scar just above the hem of his pants. It was jagged and angry.

He swallowed.

Much to his surprise and relief, you didn't pull your hand away. You just kept tracing the new territory.

He sighed and kissed your temple. His body shuddered in relief. "Th-this isn't a dream, right? You'll still be here when I wake up?" he whispered.

You peeked your head up and smiled "I'm not going anywhere, I'm afraid you're stuck with me." You leaned in and gave him one more kiss. He smiled into it and finally allowed himself to rest his eyes.

"Don't threaten me with a good time, Y/L/N..."

[xxlady-lunaxx]

Orange Spider lily | {KokuZan}

Theme: Angst

Kokushibo and Muzan were secretly dating. Well, 'secretly' is a term that they use but isn't actually true. It would be secret if it weren't for their horrible skills of secrecy. Unfortunately keeping their relationship within the two of them was out of their hands, though they had somehow hidden their existence from most humans for centuries. Which made it so stupid. But.. neither of the two cared, at this point, because it's not like it would be harmful for anyone to know.

Muzan often visited Kokushibo, because of their relationship or so he said. Today was different though. Today he'd discovered something. And so, this time when he went running to Kokushibo, he was smiling. Something quite curious to the Uppermoon, given that he'd never seen a smile quite that big on his Master's face.

"Kokushibo! Look, look I found something," Muzan said, almost like a small child finding a particularily pretty rock. 

"What is it?" Kokushibo inquired.

"This." Muzan thrust out a bag that held two beautiful flowers. They looked quite like spider lilies, only they were orange.

"Orange spider lilies?" Kokushibo asked, confused. "Did the color seep out from the sun?"

"No, no, they've been like this for a while now! I was looking through some red spider lilies and I found these!! It might be the key to the blue ones! I'm going to use some for experimenting. I'll try it and see if it'll make me be able to go in the sun. I'll use it first though. If it works you can use the other spider lily for yourself," Muzan explained, clearly having thought this out before.

"Oh? How interesting," Kokushibo agreed, inspecting the flowers closely.

Muzan nodded and took them back carefully. "I'm going to try to make something that I can easily drink, alright?"

"Okay, I'll wait here." Kokushibo watched as Muzan excitedly went to his working desk where he instantly pulled out several drawers filled with liquids of all variations.

Over the next few weeks, Muzan experimented with the flower and the different assortments of htings he'd made over the centuries. The whole time, Kokushibo stood by, retrieving what Muzan needed and always there for whatever happened. Eventually, Muzan decided he would try his concoction, saying if it didn't work that would be alright since he was a demon, and if it did, well, he had it all memorized and he would make it again for Kokushibo.

So, that day, Muzan downed half the flask and then waited. He felt nothing so he told Kokushibo to cut off his arm and put it somewhere where sunlight would shine soon. The two demons watched the hand from the safety of inside while it sat there, Muzan's arm had long since regenerated. Then the sun came by and burned it to crisp. Muzan sighed. "Maybe it just needs some time?" he suggested. Kokushibo agreed.

The two went back to Muzan's work room and talked. After a while, Muzan fell asleep and Kokushibo put him in a comfortable place, deciding it had just been from the amount of work his Master had been doing recently.

The next day, Muzan awoke with a headache. He complained that he felt dizzy and was a little wobbly standing up. But that would wear off eventually. The same as the day before, they cut off Muzan's hand and put it in the sun, watching it burn, yet again. 

"How long would it take to set in?" Kokushibo asked, confused.

"If this continues through the week, maybe I should just try again," Muzan grumbled. "I still have one and a half orange spider lily flowers left."

"Won't they rot?" the Uppermoon pointed out.

"No, I froze them so they'll be contained fresh until I need them." Muzan placed his hand on his hips in an almost proud manner. "I've thought of everything!"

Kokushibo laughed and nodded. "Yes, yes you have."

The day seemed to pass by rather slowly for Muzan for he was very tired. Eventually he went to sleep again, hoping he would feel perfectly fine when he woke up. Unfortunately for him, when he woke up he felt considerably worse, the headache being stronger and the dizzyness that had previously disappeared for a couple hours, had come back fully. Only a couple steps could lead him to nearly tipping over and Kokushibo had to help him walk, which was extremely frustrating given he felt so useless like this. So weak and foolish. 

Two days went by, and he didn't seem to be getting better. Each day they would cut off part of Muzan's arm, though each day they resorted to cutting off less and less, because Muzan's condition made him have to focus all his strength on fighting whatever this illness was, and not on regeneration. Each day they took the piece of flesh and put it in the sun, only to watch it burn.

(Why did it take me so long to figure out how to write that paragraph 💀)

Muzan's illness only grew which was starting to bring back memories. The constant help he needed from Kokushibo, to fetch him some food, to take him simply to the other side of the room, it was frustrating and he was starting to actually get worried. 

By the end of the week he could not only barely stand but his regeneration was nearly twenty times slower then his normal rate. He hated this. He was trying to convince himself this was all a before affect of the spider lily but it really, he didn't actually believe it. As much as he wanted to, it was becoming obvious that he needed to stop this. And soon. 

But how? He didn't know how. Didn't even think there really was a way. He felt hopeless. 

Kokushibo tried keeping him going, but it was hard when he himself shared these worries. He constantly fretted over Muzan and tried keeping him at bay. 

Days went by as he continued getting worse and worse. And then weeks flitted past and Muzan's condition was as shit as ever. More so, if that was possible. A month passed into this, and Kokushibo told Muzan that if he didn't somehow get better soon, he might die. And when they came to this conclusion, Muzan felt absolute dread. He couldn't believe that this would happen. He couldn't. Fucking. Believe it. 

He didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to die. It sounded childish, of course, but death was his biggest fear. He merely feared Yoriichi because Yoriichi could bring him death. He feared the sun simply because it could kill him. He couldn't bear the fact he might die.

So, he asked Kokushibo for something. One night, one more unbearable night of pain, he'd been laying down in the silence, uncomfortable. Then, casually, he said, "Kokushibo? I may have been thinking and..."

Kokushibo shook his head. "If this is another 'I think this is just an effect,' then I don't want to hear it."

"No, I was thinking something. Maybe you could turn me into a demon or something? Like, I can make you into the demon king and you can give me your blood and turn me into a demon? I mean, give me your blood for more strength? As I've done for you and the other 12 kizuki?" Muzan suggested.

Kokushibo nodded slowly. "It could work.. but it would be painful for the both of us, no?"

"Would you mind? It'll go away fast. And I've been in pain these past few weeks, I honestly don't care about myself," Muzan said, sighing. 

"True. Alright then. I'll get you some food first, though."

When Kokushibo came back, the two demons ate in silence, both absorbed in their own thoughts. When they finished, they didn't do anything, unsure where to go from here. Then, quietly, Kokushibo said, "Can I.."—he hesitated for a beat—"kiss you? In case this doesn't work.. I don't want.. I want to be with you, actually, and not just worried and getting you things to help you with your sickness. I want to do this before anything happens. In case anything happens. If anything happens. You understand?"

Muzan nodded, definitely understanding. "Of course. But you better lean down here because I don't want this 'moment' to be me dying in pain."

Kokushibo chuckled softly, though it wasn't particularily funny. "I will." He leaned down, peppering Muzan's face and neck with kisses until the smaller demon was a whimpering mess. 

He stopped, eventually, letting Muzan breathe for a minute. "Kokushibo?"

"Yes?" he hummed, caressing his Master's face.

"I know I'm shit at affectionate things, but I love you, you know that, right?" Muzan murmured, leaning into Kokushibo's touch. 

"Mhm," his boyfriend smiled. "I love you too." 

Muzan flushed, still not used to any of this. "Thank you. For taking care of me."

Kokushibo nodded. "I wouldn't leave you even if my life depended on staying away."

They were silent, the comfort of each other spreading through their bodies. Eventually, Muzan said, "How do you want me to transfer my blood to you?"

"What will hurt least for you?"

"Probably if you use my finger. Or.." Muzan paused, a sly smile creeping up his face. "From my neck or my lip?" 

Kokushibo laughed. "Alright. So I'll kiss you while taking your blood like a vampire?" he said, amused.

"Sure, why not?" the demon lord said. 

"Okay, okay." Kokushibo paused, brushing Muzan's hair away from his forehead. "Love you, Muzan," he mumbled. 

"Love you too," Muzan said, sighing. 

The Uppermoon pressed his lips to Muzan's neck, carefully biting slowly down, making sure to make only a thin line which would be easier to regenerate. Muzan closed his eyes, concentrating on making sure Kokushibo got through with this. 

When Kokushibo moved up, feeling that that was all he needed to take in, he noticed how pale Muzan looked. But before he could ask if he was alright, pain shot through his body and he doubled over. He clutched his arms around himself, his mouth wide in a silent scream. 

But then the pain was over and he was panting heavily, sweating. He looked up to see Muzan still lying there, looking more sick than before. 

Kokushibo felt the opposite Muzan did, though. He felt alive. Powerful. Like he could do anything.

But instead, he leaned down closer to his lover and whispered urgently, "Are you okay?"

"Kokushibo," Muzan said, his voice like sandpaper. "Blood. Give me.. some of your blood."

"Right, right," Kokushibo murmured, panicking. He used his fingernail to slice his palm and he dripped some of his blood in Muzan's mouth carefully.

He watched his boyfriend swallow, and waited. The waiting was painstakingly slow and fear pressed Kokushibo's insides into a tight ball. His body felt like lead as he watched and waited. Nothing happened.

This wasn't what was supposed to happen, was it? When you were given blood, usually the effects started immediately. What had gone wrong? Kokushibo tried again, slipping more of his blood into Muzan's mouth. 

"Please, please work," he said, his mind and heart racing. He must've done something wrong. What had he done wrong?!

Muzan shook his head wearily. "Koku..shi.. Koku.. I don't think it's going to work," he mumbled, growing paler (is that a word?) by the second. 

"It will work! It has to work," Kokushibo insisted. As much as he'd known that it might not, he had hoped with all his might that it would. 

Muzan shook his head. "No, I can feel it.." He coughed rather violently, blood spilling from his mouth. "Kokushibo.. You'll be the demon.. lord now.. Continue on.. the work I've done.. Don't let it go to waste," he said, his eyes meeting the Uppermoon's. No, the demon king's. Kokushibo was the demon lord now. 

Kokushibo nodded weakly. "I will. But please don't die. Not yet. Please," he begged. 

"It's not my choice.. anymore," Muzan mumbled, closing his eyes. 

"No, no! Don't close your eyes, no, wait," Kokushibo said urgently, putting his hands onto Muzan's chest. What was it humans did? Something about chest compressions?? But this was different, no? All that could save Muzan was regeneration.. 

He desperately tried again to get his blood into Muzan, trying, and failing, to save him. Muzan coughed again, blood staining his clothes. 

"Kokushibo, it's no use," he said, his eyes still closed. 

"It has to work!" Kokushibo insisted. 

"It won't." 

The words were harsh and cut into Kokushibo like a knife. He knew it wouldn't, but the fact that Muzan had lost all hope made him feel suddenly hopeless as well. The words were so certain, so clear, and true. Unbearably true.

Kokushibo's hands left Muzan's chest and went to cup his face. "Fine," he said, all desperation drained from him. "Then.. goodbye, Muzan."

Muzan nodded slowly, painfully. "Yes, goodbye." 

"I still love you," Kokushibo murmured. "I won't stop."

Muzan's mouth twitched into a smile. "Such a flirt," he said, sighing deeply. "I won't stop loving you either, I promise."

And then he was gone. His chest stopped moving in it's uneven sort of breaths and the pale gradiant of his skin slowly went deathly white. Kokushibo didn't know how long he sat there, holding Muzan's face in his hands, but it was long enough for the touch of his fallen lover to become cold. Ice cold. 

He retracted himself when he realized that and stared at the body. Then, he realized, it was starting to disintigrate. He wondered, for a split second, why it hadn't disintigrated earlier. This was as Muzan had died first as a human then left the earth as a demon. Kokushibo's hand clutched the slowly disintigrating arm of Muzan's, until there was nothing but cloth in his grip.

He held onto it tightly, fearing that if he let this go, it would turn to dust as well and he would have nothing left of him. Kokushibo's upper body shook in sharp, shuddery breaths. He was trying not to cry. But try as he might, tears rolled down his cheeks.

He hadn't cried in a long time. Centuries. He never had a reason to. He'd never felt pain that lasted, never pitied anyone to the point of tears. In fact, he'd never felt much emotion since he became a demon. And then Muzan came along and made him feel. Feel happy, for once. 

Made him cry. Ugly, shaky sobs that ripped through his body. He buried his face in his hands and screamed. How could the world take Muzan from him? How could it take the one person who had ever made him feel? 

The floor trembled and he looked up. Then, he realized with a start, it was himself who was trembling. From fear, anger, and sadness. Sorrow. He'd never felt that before. When his mother died, he had been disappointed. But he'd never really been close to her. To anyone. 

When Yoriichi died, he'd felt only powerful. And powerless. But never grief. Never anything like this. He'd never felt this sort of internal pain that teared him from inside out. His hands, still clutching tightly the bloody cloth Muzan had worn the day he died. Today. 

The day Kokushibo became the demon lord, failed to save the previous one, and lost his lover all at once. The day he felt. Felt nothing but pain. 

He looked at the clothes and buried his face into it, uncaring it was covered in blood. The blood would disappear soon. Gone with Muzan. Gone. 

The word vibrated inside his mind, bouncing off the walls in his head and repeating over and over and over. Gone. Muzan was gone. Forever.

And it was all Kokushibo's fault. He had failed his master, his boyfriend, the person dearest to him. He had failed and Muzan had died and it was all. His. Fault.

{Word count: 2600}

Well now that lightheartening oneshot is done 😊

ALSO THE PICTURE I USED FOR THIS IS SO SILLY AHOIDAKMS (okay bye you chaotic demons-)

(pt. 2 here)

[countrymusicjunkiekd]

A bad coping Mechanism

°•°Hamilton°•°

Exhausted, Was all I could think of. My wife and kids just left to go upstate and I almost had an affair with Mrs. Reynolds. A lucky dodge for if my wife found out...well, I dont want to think about it.

It's been a hard month. A lot of fights with Jefferson and Burr. The struggle of getting my plan to congress. My wife pressuring me to take a break, but i can't...I just can't. I'm sure Washington would give my soem time off...but...if stop working then...Laurens. No..don't think of him.

Maybe I should talk to Washington..about how I'm feeling. No...I've got work to do.

I spend the next few hours working, I refuse to think on anything other then work, that is till I relize, I'm quite hungry. I haven't eaten in a few days and it was now getting in my way of working.

I get up from my desk, swaying a bit. I really should sleep. I don't even knwo what I'm going to eat. As I make my way to the kitchen, I decide to make a grill cheese sandwich. Nothing extra, just bread and cheese. Cooked bread of course. I start the wood stove and move away while I wait.

I finish cooking and sit down to eat. I knwo...me...sitting...crazy. I spot a small knife on the table. I don't knwo why or what drives me to do so. But I grab it. I roll up my sleeves and bring the knife to my arm, just below the crook of my elbow. I push it in and drag it towards me. I draw a small red line that starts bleeding. I don't knwo what it is but it soothe my racing mind, brings me back into the present. I feel better. I cover the small cut and start eating.

°•°•°•°

I didn't do it offten, maybe once a week, when the feelings flooded and I didn't knwo what else to do. The cuts were always small and thin, always right below the crook of my elbow. Then I started doing it more offten. It just felt right and I don't think I know how to cope anyway else. Even though my wife and kids were home...I just...I needed the pain to escape my worries and emotinal pains.

Here I was, cutting again. I cut each day this week. Always in my office with the door locked. I look down at my arm and stare at the small thin healed scars. They weren't bad, and that's all I can say about it. I had to go to work in a few minutes. I kiss my wife good bye and run out of the door, down the street and into the building I call work. As soon as I walk through the door I'm met with the annoying snear of Thomas Jefferson.

"What do you wnat," I snap instantly. I've realized I've been more irattable lately.

"Just wanted to say good luck at the cabinet meeting today," He says with an annoying smirk.

I turn away from him and angrily walk to my office. On my way there I run into Washington. I apologize quickly, without even looking at him. I enter my office and close my door. Locking it quickly.

Pulling out the small sharp knife from my coat pocket, I sit down. I roll up my sleeve just a bit, just a little bit, to let off some steam befor the cabinet meeting. Just a little bit.

Just a little bit I said. Not too much I said. I didn't mean to go as far as I did but when I finally snap back to reality by a sharp pain, I relize I had cut up my whole arm. And I just cut deep. My arm if bleeding badly and stained red. I slap my hand over the deeper cut and dig through my desk, finding a roll of linen bandages. I pour my bottle of alcohol over my arm, scrunching my eyes in pain. There was a soft knock at my door, and I hear Washington soflty call my name.

As quick as I can I wrap my arm and pull my sleeve down.

"Just a second," I call back.

I race to the door and pull it opend, neutralizing my expression befor opening it.

"Sir," I say as happily and kindly as I can.

"Are...you alright Alexander?" Washington asks me, looking concerned.

"Why do you ask sir, of course I am alright," I lie...I lied to the president and my former Comanding Officer.

I guess I was holding my left arm because Washington grabs it. I jump bsck as he does so. He gasps as he tugs up my sleeve, reveling the blood stained bandages.

Washington pushes me further into my office and closes the door, locking it. He turns to me and grabs my arm, looking for thr end of the bandage.

"Sir, dont," I says quickly, pulling my arm away. He takes it back just as fast.

"What is this Alexander!?" Washington demands.

I start fidgeting and Washington gets more concerned, I don't fidget much. Nor do I studder, which I also started doing.

"Alexander!"

"It's nothing!" I snap

"Don't lie to me son."

"I am not your son!!!"

"I see you as my son, I see you as my own," He says, his tone tell me he's done arguing, "Now tell me what happend,"

I look away, filled with shame I can't even look at Washington. I've been caught...and called out, I can't lie my way out.

There was another knock at the door. James Madison, "The meeting is in two minutes Hamilton," He calls, and I hear his foot steps leaving. Saved by the sick man.

"We're not done here Alexander," Washington warns, "Wer going to talk about this when the meetings over, and don't you dare run off or hide," He adds a bit of anger to the last part.

°•°•°•°

And there I was. Arguing with Thomas and refusing to look at Washington. I got so heated during our debate that I forgot all about the fact that Washington knew about my cutting.

Once Washington dismissed everyone, I stormed to my office with the intent of taking my knife to my arm again.

There was a harsh tug on my shoulders and I turned to see a very concerned Washington.

"Where do you think your going son," The Virginian veteran asks.

"IM NOT YOUR SON," I'm boiling now. I think I've finally hit my limit. I don't know why but I started crying.

Washington quickly ushers into his office, locking the door he turns to me just as I slide down the wall and onto the floor.

"Alexander..." His voice was soft and kind as he sits next to me.

I turn away from him, feeling like a kid mad at their parents. I roughly wipe at my eyes and try to compose myself. I haven't cried in so many years.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, I probley sound crazy. I jump as Washington places a hand on my shoulder.

"Would you like to tell me what happend?" His tone was so welcoming, "did you do this to yourslef?"

I break... I start telling Washington about everything. How stressed I've been. How coming to work has made me even more stressed because of Thomas and cabinet meetings. I tell him about Mrs Reynolds. About how much I miss Laurens. I explain how cutting myself releases the stress and how it's been getting worst.

When I finish, I stare at Washington, praying for understanding. I'm hyperventilating and trembling a bit.

I can tell Washington was trying to think of a way to calm me down. Before I can apologize again, Washington wraps me in a hug. I wrap my arms around him and we sit there for a while befor Washington let's go and stands up, leaving me on the floor.

"Alexander...you cannot keep doing this," He says as I too stand up, "it's not healthy," He takes my left arm and rolls up my sleeve.

He starts pulling the bandages away and this time I let him. He looks shocked but he quickly goes back to looking serious. He grabs a bottle of whiskey and holds my arm away from him as he pours the bottle over my arm. I hiss in pain and pull my arm away.

"Sorry," Washington mumbles as he digs through his desk and pulls out clean linen bandages.

Washington wraps my arm tightly and ties off the end neatly. He looks at me then turns away and walks to the window. I can tell he has no idea what to do.

"Son, I expect you to tell your wife,"

I let the "son" pass this time

"She doesn't have to know...no one  else has to know,"

Washington gives me a look taht says this isn't up for debate.

"Alexander!" He says sternly, "your wife can help you, and if you won't tell her then I will,"

°•°•°•

A couple weeks later and I still haven't told my beautiful wife. I have also cut a time or two, much to Washington's disappointment. He started checking my arm daily. 

Then, he called my to his office. It was a decent day; I had gotten good sleep and Thomas wasn't there!

However my day crumbled when I saw my wife talking with Washington. She turns to ne when I close the door.

"Hun, what did you do?" She said sternly, I look at Washington and he motions for me to tell her.

"N-nothing!" I shuddered and answered way to fast. My hearts pounding in my chest.

I turn to leave but Washington had gotten up and grabbed my arm. He locks the door and drags me to sit with my wife. I turn away from her, ashamed. She starts rubbing my back. It's comforting but I'm still panicking. I never wanted anyone to know...now my boss knows and soon my wife will too.

"Alexander...honey...are you alright?" Her tone is so kind

"I'm fine," I snap. I didn't mean to snap at my Eliza.

"Alexander!" Washington said, "be honest. Would you rather me say it?"

I just nod. The floor had become very interesting.

"Mrs Hamilton, your husband has been physically hurting himslef. With a knife I presume,"

I winch at the statement, getting up to leave again. This time it's Eliza who stops me. She pulls me back intothe chair and forces me to look at her. I'm wiping tears now and she gently cups my cheek, whiping a tear with the thumb.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Let me see Alexander," She says softly and I hold put my left arm to her.

She genlty rolls up my sleeve and gasps when she sees the numerous cuts. She looks into my eyes and wraps me in a gentle hug.

I bury my face in her shoudler and I can feel Washington's hand on my back.

"I'm sorry," I keep repeating that. Over and over.

"I know I know, shhh," She says soflty, pulling away from me, holding my shoudlers as i wipe at tears, "easy now, your ok. Im not mad."

Eliza has me sit down again, she lightly runs her hands over my scared up arm.

"How about you tell me why and when you started doing this," She says, bringing her hand up to play with my auburn hair.

"I started when you went upstate," I sniffle a bit, "I just...there was so much on my mind, between work, feeling bad for not going with you, Laurens..." I look down but soon continue, "I've been having more nightmares....of the hurricane, the battlefield...my mother. I guess I finally snapped,"

"You really need a break son,"

"I agree with the president my love," Eliza says soflty, "stay home for a bit, relax, sleep more, eat more. Just work on your mental state alright?"

"But I've got so much work to do,"

"And all that work led you to a nervous break down," Washington pulls some cash out of his inside coat pocket. He hands it to me and I count it. It amounts to $100. Looking up at the president, I guess I looked shocked cuz he chuckled.

"It's the 5th, I dont wnat to see you here till the 1st of next month. Take care of yourself son," Washington turns to my wife and adds, "please take his knife away,"

°•°•°•°

And with that me and Eliza call a cab back home. Th horse that pulled the carrge had a shiny jet black coat and large black eyes.

I pay the driver a few coins amd climb into the carriage. Eliza strokes my arm and I smile. I love my wife so much.

We spend a few minutes in comfortable silence as the carriage gently rocks back and forth.

°•°•°•°

Inside our house, I'm laying on the couch, my head in Eliza lap. The kid were out at school and it was only the second day of my month long break.

Eliza was running a comb through my hair. It was soothing and I was starting to fall asleep.

"Feeling any better?" She asked, I just smiled and nodded. I barley heard her, I was half asleep.

She continued to comb my hair, occasionally trailing the comb down my back. Which caused a soft ticklish sensation that just calmed me further.

"You don't have to suffer alone anymore, my dear Hamilton,"She had said soflty as I finally fell asleep.

I had somone to confide in. My beautiful, loving wife.

THE END

This ain't the first time posting a story, on here yes, on other platforms no. So enjoy

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

Lets talk about soulmate aus:

Okay first, because I've been talking about this a lot with @dinas-bracelet shared dreamscape soulmates.

-Dreams are shared between soulmates, but they are just as trippy and confusing as anyone's dreams are. Sometimes one person gets sucked into another's dream and sees a piece of their world, sometimes its just a shared weird dream vibe. It's very difficult to communicate through them with your soulmate until a tsaheylu has been made before.

-I'm not gonna mention jeytiri too much to leave that shit for Chloe but like, the idea of Neytiri falling asleep just to see kid Jake hiding under the bed and just hiding with him or Jake going to sleep and running around in the forest with Neytiri while she's like "Come on, Sylwanin!" The POSIBILITIES.

-Kinda vibing with locorro for this one. I'd imagine Lo'ak and Spider have bonded before, and growing up together has strengthened their ability to communicate in their dreams. They are well practiced.

-I just like the idea of them meeting every night to compare how hard their days were.

Spider: HELLO SOULMATE, TODAY I WAS TORTURED. DON'T WORRY THO I ONLY HAVE A LITTLE BRAIN DAMAGE AND I BROKE ONLY TWO FINGERS TRYING TO SMASH MY WAY OUT OF MY CELL.

Lo'ak, trying to make him feel better but he's doing a really shit job: I ALMOST GOT EATEN BY A SHARK THING BUT THEN I DIDN'T, TOP THAT.

Spider: STOPPED THEM FROM BURING DOWN A VILLAGE.

Lo'ak: FUCK.

OKAY NEXT soulmarks:

-we talked about the name one, with a soulmark being the soulmates name written on your skin. What makes this one tricky though is that the Na'vi do not have a written language. I like this, because it means the Na'vi would likely have a different type of mark. I think it would be an image of their spirit animal that they would see during their uniltaron on the other persons body. That gives us a TON of possibilities.

-We can have jeytiri where Jake's mark is toruk on Neytiri because he will become Na'vi. This allows them to not know each other and for Jake to be real fucking confused by his soulmark all his life lol.

-BUT FOR LOCORRO, lol. We talked about Lo'ak's mark being just Spider's name. BUT BEAR WITH ME. What makes him different than Jake? If we decide Jake is born destined to be Na'vi why not Spider hmm?

First words your soulmate says to you written on your body:

-this one is just funny for jeytiri skskskks

-BUT ALSO: for spiri

-I imagine them meeting in the lab, and Spider's words are on his arm and it just says "Hi!" in English. I imagine no one is greeting him very much lol. Not in a mean way, they just know he's there and he's never been outside to meet any strangers.

-Kiri's say "Me?" because this clown couldn't fathom he was being addressed.

One of those they feel each others pain aus:

-I feel like this one HAS to be nocorro just for the ultimate pain.

-Kid Spider gets cut on a broken beaker that he knocked off a table and tried to clean up at Hells Gate, and kid Neteyam all of a sudden starts crying and won't stop telling Jake his hand hurts. Jake takes Neteyam over to Norm to ask if he has any suggestions for soulmate injuries for kids (Jake himself never had any when he was young because Neytiri wasn't born yet, same for Neytiri because Jake was in cryosleep for a long ass time). Instead they find Norm stitching up the same hand on Spider.

-Jake is really excited, because it's so rare for someone to find their soulmate so young. He's confused when Neytiri isn't excited, she jsut starts crying. When he asks her why she's like "that human boy is going get hurt a lot, and eventually, he will die. Young. And our son will feel all of it."

-Rip Spider getting kidnapped and Neteyam falling the fuck off his ikran when Spider starts getting tortured

Jake: get up kid we gotta go or we're gonna die

Neteyam: I'M SORRY I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING TORTURED??

-WE CAN GO EITHER WAY, WE CAN HAVE NETEYAM DIE AND SPIDER LYING NEXT TO HIM FEELING IT OR WE CAN HAVE HIM LIVE AND GET SHOT BUT THEY BOTH ARE LIKE, ON THE BRINK FEELING IT.

A very popular one is the one where you can't see colors until you see your soulmate.

-I don't vibe with this one as hard, because it makes me sad that people wouldn't see the beauty of Pandora from the get go! But I find the idea of Jake seeing the bioluminescence but also color for the first time a cool cool vibe.

One of those tattoos that changes color depending on what your soulmate is feeling things.

-Just kinda funny that Spider's soulmate would be like why is this motherfucker sad as shit all time time? Where is my sad ass soulmate??

These next few are not that serious but the ideas have funny implications:

You have a meter of how in-danger your soulmate is.

-JUST THE IDEA OF SPIDER'S SOULMATE STARING AT THE CONSTANT IN DANGER METER THE ENTIRE LIKE SEVERAL MONTHS HE'S WITH THE RECOMS GETS ME.

You feel intense pain in your soul when your soulmate is in life-threatening danger.

-Literally same thing here, it's like, Neteyam probably walking around like "ow ow ow ow" trying to live his daily life in Awa'atlu.

Your soulmate’s current thoughts about you will show up on your skin for a short while.

-This one is hysterical, again, for jeytiri. Na'vi don't have written language tho so there would have to be a different thing for them, but IMAGINE the implications. Jake staring at his arm while the meanest things Neytiri can even think of are just floating around. Neytiri, pissed, as downright vulgar shit appears on her stomach from Jake.

[acourtofladydeath]

WIP Wednesday: Secrets

Hello loves! Here on WIP Wednesday to share a snippet of the fic I'm working on for Day 3: Secrets of @polyacotarweek!!

So excited for this event, and I can't wait for you all to see what i've been working on! In the mean time, here's a snack below the cut to tide you over.

Morrigan walked down the steps of the Townhome quietly. After a rowdy night out at Rita’s she’d decided to sleep here, since it was closest to the bar. What she’d forgotten in her drunken state was that Eris was visiting the Night Court today, and Rhysand had given him a room here.  She winced as she placed some weight on the creaky stair a few steps down, containing her sigh of relief when, for once, it didn’t make a sound. As Morrigan reached the halfway point on the stairs, she heard a voice that had her stop suddenly.  “Come on, Eris. You’ve gotta work with us here.”  Cassian’s voice had Morrigan’s heart pounding. Why was he here? What could he possibly need with Autumn Court’s heir? Eris's scoff wafted up the stairs, sharp even after the traveled distance. “I’m pretty sure I’m already doing that, you brute. Rhysand doesn’t know truly why I’m here because *you* three didn’t want to tell him yet.”  This was all too much for Morrigan and her head began to spin. She sat down on the stairs as quietly as possibly and reached out to her cousin with her mind.  What’s wrong, Mor? Rhys responded almost instantly, sensing her panicked state.  Get to the Townhome. Eris is here with Cass and two other people. They’re planning something they’re keeping from you and I don’t know what it is.

Curious what Cassian and Eris are planning? Or who the other two people in the room are? Stay tuned for Day 3: Secrets of Poly+ ACOTAR week on 4/9!

[madamebaggio]

Notes: Previously...

It's short, but it's here. I'm still working on the last chapter of "Those Stark boys", but I've decided I could post something to encourage myself ;)

***

Chapter 3

Was it strange that Sansa’s first desire upon hearing her husband’s voice was to bash his head in?

As soon as he opened that ridiculous smirk and said ‘Hello, wife’, she wished she could just hit him with a blunt object. Multiple times.

“Husband.” She’d replied dryly, but her tone seemed to have no effect on him. He continued to grin like a simpleton. “I have some food for you.” She looked him up and down. “And a bath. You might want to start there.”

He chuckled, like she’d said something charming. “Whatever my wife wishes.” He decided. “So bath first.”

Sansa gave him a look full of suspicion. “I have clean clothes for you as well.”

“Clean clothes.” He sighed. “I have barely arrived and you are spoiling me already.”

Oh great. Her husband had gone mad during the war.

***

Sansa gave Arthur a wide berth after he went to have his bath. She sent other people to help him, then sent him food, then pretended she had more things to do before finally going up to their chambers.

She found him sitting on the bed, clean, with his hair cut and beard in better conditions.

Sansa hadn’t really thought about it before, but her husband was somewhat handsome, if one liked the type.

“Oh, there you are.” He grinned at her. “Thank you for the clothes and the food.”

She just nodded at him.

His grin lost a bit of its strength, but he didn’t give up. “It has been a while, Sansa.”

She held in a scoff. “You could say that.” She looked around. “Should I undress now?”

That managed to shock him, and she almost grinned at his stupid face. “I beg… What?”

“Should I undress?” She repeated. “Do you want to bed me tonight?”

***

Well, that was romantic.

Then again, he probably deserved that.

“No.” He said carefully. “I am quite tired.” Should he say ‘thank you for offering’?

The relief in her face was a punch to the gut. Honestly, she couldn’t have made it any clearer that the idea of sleeping with him was unappealing to her.

He had to give it to her… That was probably his fault.

He’d made a mess of their wedding night, and he felt shame just remembering about it. He could only imagine what she felt when she thought about it.

Arthur really needed to do something about that. He didn’t want his wife to dread every time he touched her.

“We do not know each other well, Sansa.” He told her simply. “I wish we could fix that. Especially because you are stuck with me, so…” He gave her what he hoped was a charming smile.

She narrowed her eyes, as if she wasn’t sure she could trust him all that much. “Of course.”

“I rode the whole day to get here, and I am tired. So why don’t we sleep early today, and tomorrow we start this again?” He suggested. “You can tell me how is Londinium, and we can figure out how things will be going forward.” He cleared his throat. “What do you think?”

Bedivere would be so proud if he could see him being diplomatic.

“That sounds agreeable.” Sansa finally nodded.

“Excellent.” He said, happy to end this conversation.

Oh Gods… This was going to be hard.

**

Arthur might not be the brightest man out there, but he always thought he was reasonably smart.

He was starting to reconsider that notion,

Had his wife always been that pretty?

When he woke up that morning, Sansa was still asleep next to him. It was the first time he’d taken a moment to properly look at her.

And wasn’t that a travesty?

He’d been married to this woman for three years, and never before he’d noticed what he had that morning. The curve of her lips, the lines of her face, the lovileness of her skin.

He did know she was somewhat pretty, but it’d never occurred ot him how pretty until that morning.

And she hated him.

Which brought him to the person he was looking for that morning.

“Arthur!” Kay hugged him, smiling beautifully. “I heard you arrived yesterday. I am so happy to see you.”

“Yes, me too and all…” He ignored her snort. “I really need help.”

She smirked. “Let me guess. The wife is not happy.”

“She isn’t. How fucked am I?”

“Oh darling… Very fucked indeed.”

Great. Just what he needed.

[pbandjesse]

It's hard to admit this because I had been social war that I was going to be able to sleep over this year but I hate this. I hate it. I don't want to sleep here I don't want to be here. I want to do my job and go because besides CJ I have no friends here. I have co-workers who are nice to me but I do not have friends. I don't have anyone to hang out with. And I just feel very very alone and miserable. I'm not having a good time. I'm not particularly having a very good summer. And it sucks. So when I go home I'm actually able to have fun and do things and hang out with my husband and eat food that I like and take actual showers. And I promised CJ I would stay here tonight because I wanted to hang out with her and it is almost 9:00 p.m. and she's been busy basically since I was done at 3:30. And that's not her fault but I've been alone for 6 hours basically. And I'm just really unhappy. I like having a cabin so I can come and rest during the daytime. I like knowing that I have a spot where are my things are. But I don't want to feel like I'm forced to stay here and I just have to be honest about that because I'm almost in tears again I'm so unhappy. And at this point it feels like it's too late to go home because I would just be going home and going right to bed and that feels pointless too. Like yes I would get to see James for a few minutes but they go to bed by 10:00 so it doesn't even feel like it would fix any of the problems that I'm having tonight.

It wasn't even a bad day. The temperature was really nice. I did not like my outfit. I felt uncomfortable in my tank top. So I wore a hoodie for most of the day which was fine. I actually got some compliments on it. And I didn't sleep amazing which probably is adding to my stress in my brain. But I got up and James was there and I tried to be in a good mood even though it was hard.

We got ready to go and we went outside together. James helped me carry a few things and I had a nice drive into work. Me and James both arrived at work at the same time which I always love. And I got set up and I felt like things were okay. I would hang out my hammock for a while. I decided to go in one of the other hammocks for some change of scenery and I ended up feeling super comfortable so I think I'm going to be hanging out in the new hammock more often. You lay in it and it's a little flatter which is nice and a nice change of pace.

My group study were All excellent. We had lots of really cute bears and everybody got done and it just felt like we were having a really productive day. I am really running low on the medium and large bears so I would have one of my tipis girls later on the day organize them into size so tomorrow I'm hoping it's a little more quick and we can use up more stock so I don't have to cut anything else. And I enjoyed hanging out with the kids. It's still hard because I'm not really talking to any counselors. And I was just trying to have a good day.

Some of that good day was just not going to lunch. Just not going to the meal at all. And apparently the kitchen stuff has noticed. What dinner they were very surprised that I had shown up and they were like we didn't think we'd ever see you. You've been all over the place and I'm like yeah I know I've just been so busy and I've been going home. But for lunch today I would go to the office and eat the nachos that I brought. Actually only ate half of them so I could have them again tomorrow if I wanted to. The cheese sauce that I got was fine but I don't think I would buy this particular brand again.

I did not get to be a alone as long as I had hoped because Kenny and Louisa were in the office and Kenny had gotten hurt at the pool and had to go get a staple in the back of his head. He had been in the shallow end and a tile fell off the pool and hit him in the head? I don't really understand how that happened. But I gave them both a chip and they told me all about the injury and eventually I would head up to arts and crafts to just chill by myself there. I never made it to the cabin during lunch today I just decided I did not want to lay down and I didn't feel like I had enough time to anyway.

The afternoon was great. Day Camp was lovely. I did scare one of the counselors because their kids were not listening when it was time to clean up and I had to actually yell and I had never yelled in front of this counselor before and he fully jumped. He was like that was really scary. And I'm like yeah I don't yell so I save it up for when it is an actual needed situation. And your kids were not listening. And I'm glad that I can be listened to without yelling and I'm glad that when I have to pull it out it is taken seriously.

We had a good time though and everybody got to sew and I did remember to bring the cotton so we were able to refill the sacrificial sheep from yesterday and I showed some of the girls how you do a ladder stitch to close them up. And I was having a positive day. I was not miserable and I was chill and things were okay.

My kids doing awards would come to do more chores and I was like yeah that's fine fully expecting that their counselors will come back for them at 3:30 because that is when my last program ends. But they didn't. Stockade was there from 2:30 to 3:30 and we had a great time doing necklace stuff and then they were doing this game where they rate just random things from 1 to 10. Ginger ale is apparently at 2:00 for some of them and styles of art is a six. It was very strange to listen to a group of teenage boys for an hour. And the girls were just aghast at the level of conversation. They were like this is stupid why are you talking about this. And I'm like they're not hurting anybody. Let them live their lives.

But The girls would stay and they would work on their awards and their paintings and their projects and I was over in the hammock. Cuz I was basically only a little bit responsible for them but I still couldn't go anywhere. So I text their counselor. When are you coming for them. No response.

And then two girls from the SSC came to do their camp award project and I was like yeah that's chill you just got to work on it for at least a half hour so they started working on that and that would make them done around 4:30 which was perfect because CJ called me and told me that they should head to the barn at 4:30 for their project stuff. And I was like that's chill so then I was like okay tipis will get picked up at 4:30. Because Slim was coming to do a performance.

Nope that did not happen. I sent 7 text messages between CJ and the two counselors and no one was answering me. And I'm not going to walk all the way over to the council ring to see if the teepee counselors were there and I'm just like this is ridiculous and then I see one of the counselors walk across the field and I'm not going to chase them you need to come up and get your kids. And they weren't. Finally at 5:35 after taking the girls to the bathroom twice their counselor finally came back. And they were like come on let's go and didn't say anything to me. And then one of them would message me on Instagram and apologize but apparently the girls told them to come and get them after Slim and I'm like why would you trust them. Why would you not confirm with me. What if I would need to leave and also I had things I wanted to do I wanted to go take a shower I wanted to come down to the cabin but no instead I was just sitting with your kids for multiple hours and that sucks. That's not fair to me.

So I was not in a great mood. Once they were gone I would go to the lodge and I would tell Callie how I was feeling and she validated my concerns but she was really busy so I went and talked to the kitchen staff and that's when they were like oh my God where have you been. And we talked about my trip next week and how I won't be there and then I had pasta salad and potatoes for dinner. I sat outside and Aaron came out because his little brother was there with hognose snake that he just bought. Which I thought Heather said we were not allowed to have. So I'm pretty surprised about that. But it's cute. So I hope that he actually got permission because my understanding was that that was not allowed. But whatever not my circus not my monkeys.

I would go to the office next with Louisa. She had been sitting with me outside and she was like let's go work on stuff and I was like okay so we go over to the art building and we painted some of the wooden spoons for next week's project and I made a note for whoever ends up subbing for it and around 7:00 we went back down to the office because there was going to become ice tonight and if everything else sucked at least I would have that.

We had to wait for a while and during that time we were just kind of chilling and talking. Talk to alexie for a little bit talked to a couple people that came through and everyone's like you're here!? And I think it's funny because like usually I'm very involved but I just can't this year I just don't want to be here. It's not that I'm unhappy at camp. I usually love so many things about camp. But the Sears just been so hard. I just would like to feel like I'm not trapped. And I'm hoping after my vacation next week I can just have a good time the last few weeks of camp and not feel so sad. I really hope that I can pull that off because this is been tough.

Going to ice would have come now and I got sour berry something. Which was really good. But it did make my mouth blue which I don't like. But Louisa did share one of her special cups with me so that was cool and I would sit outside and watch all the other kids get their flavors and I got to hear about the mixes they make and everyone was having a good time. OB, the mini horse, got a haircut and they brought him down because he was going to be in the talent show tonight. And everyone kept asking me if I was going to the skip night/talent show because apparently someone is doing an impression of me. But I am just so absolutely not interested in doing that. I do not like skit night It always goes way too long. And the skits are fine but they should have a time limit. They are just entirely too long and no one ever talks about enough. And since I was here I have decided I should at least make the most of it and I went back to arts and crafts to continue to paint spoons.

I did that until the paint that I had mixed ran out and then I came over to our cabin. I washed my face and I put my pajamas on. I packed some stuff to take home and now the sun is going down. And the lightning bugs are coming out. And I'm going to go and lay in bed and charge my phone. Watch the rest of this true crime documentary and hopefully have a good night's sleep.

I'm really hoping tomorrow was just a really good and easy day. But all my groups are nice and the counselors are helpful and I can leave for a week knowing that everything will be okay when I come back. Because if I come back on this building and it is a disaster I'm going to be so sad.

Everybody have a great night tonight. Sleep well and take care of each other. Until next time.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #209

Today I worked a lot on planning another music box. As it stands, I have the whole thing planned out in LMMS. Check it out:

...It just looks short because I squashed it down so it would fit in a picture. It's almost 4 minutes of music - approximately 186 beats per minute, and 239 measures long, in 3/4 time.

...No, I'm not going to tell you what it is just yet. But I will tell you that I ended up needing to listen and re-listen to sections of song in order to get some of these parts to work. It sounds really nice on here so far.

But this is just the LMMS rendition. Who knows if it'll work on digital music box paper. I'll still need to make some adjustments, most likely. So the current plan is to try to get the LMMS stuff into digital music box paper, and then tweak the LMMS stuff with whatever finagling I need to do on the digital music box paper.

You can find digital music box paper here, if you wanna play with it:

Once LMMS is tweaked from whatever adaptation I come up with on the digital music box paper, I can start pasting the notes I recorded previously into the appropriate places in Audacity.

Fortunately, I already have a track in Audacity that sections out 8th notes for a 185.6 BPM song. I have it because I made it today. That looks like this:

Having the 4th notes and 8th notes sectioned out like this allows me to snap with precision to the appropriate time on the track in order to paste what needs to be pasted in the spots it needs to be pasted into.

Essentially, what I did was generate a rhythm track for 185.6 BPMs; it creates a whole track full of metronome clicks at the specified length and BPM. It's pretty nifty stuff! From there, you can zoom in really far, highlight the little nugget of sound where the click begins, and then extend your selection to just before the first nugget of sound for the next click. Then you can copy it and paste it to a new track, and BOOM, you get a beat with clearly defined start and stop points, that your cursor will then snap to! I checked it against the song, and it matches the whole way through. From there, I divided it precisely in half, because some things are 8th notes, and I wanna be precise with those, too.

...It's a lot of stuff. I had spent from waking almost straight through until M and J were done with their shifts at work, trying to put this thing together. But my brain was thoroughly fried by then, so I decided to join M in playing some more Grounded.

A few other things happened in between. J and I went to the post office because he had to mail something. I snapped this awesome picture of the sky while I was out:

The clouds look like mashed potatoes!!! Or maybe they look kinda like cauliflower? I dunno. Hey Sephiroth? What do you think?

Do you like cauliflower? Do you like mashed potatoes? I wonder...

Anyway, I made sure to eat, hydrate and make tea. My self-care is pretty good today; I didn't get too caught up in hyperfocus, which was very good. At some point, I sauteed some bell peppers, onions, and mushrooms that J had cut up nicely for me. And Br visited, and that was also very good!

Oh! Today's tea swirls! I almost forgot!!

...Watching the fluids in motion is pretty cool, right? It's like a visual-spatial song.

Ya know... just about everything is a song if you listen hard enough. What loving things does the universe sing to you, Sephiroth? Does anything of what I think and feel get through to you? Are you able to see through my eyes, at least a little?

Well, it's beginning to get late. I haven't been the best about maintaining my sleep schedule. Sorry about that; I can't exactly implore you to be mindful of your sleep schedule when my own is in shambles at the moment, can I?

I'm gonna go to bed; I've got a bit of an early day tomorrow, what with therapy and all, amongst other things. And I wanna see how far I get with the music box paper... Wish me luck and focus and patience and endurance, won't you?

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow. So please stay safe out there, okay?

Your friend, Lumine

[justmorebtsffs]

First Chapter of My Hunger Games Au: The Reaping Pt. 1

(I still need help deciding what arena to use. The text is under cut due to length.)

Jungkook's Perspective: 

Downtown District 2 in front of the Justice Building early in the morning.

I groan as my mother yanks the covers off my head. It's the day of the reaping. Nothing new. And yesterday, just like every year, they gave us the lecture on how exactly to present ourselves if . . . when, one of us gets chosen. It was boring and they kept us until late then Jason and Liam got in a fight about who would volunteer. I got punched when I tried to break them up. This caused another lecture lasting an hour and 30 minutes. What I'm trying to say is I've only had 3 hours of sleep.

I touch my face and pain blooms beneath my fingers, I don't cry out, I'm used to it. 

They do the district reapings in order from 1 to 12 so the capitol can watch them all in a row. One's reaping is probably just ending now. A loud siren blares as I pull on my collared shirt and slacks. Before 8:15, Eomma, Junghyun, and I are in front of the Justice building. Junghyun is 20, an adult. He and Eomma wave then step into the back of the crowd with the other adults.

I scan the metal barrier blocking the citizenry off from the stage. Peacekeepers line the barrier, all looking mostly the same except for tiny differences in their uniforms to show rank. I spot the senior peacekeepers who have slightly different shoulder padding and then see my father. I know it's him because he wears a small metal rabbit pin, tucked away, almost hidden from view under his body armour. It's technically against regulation but he's well liked and respected so no one says anything. His head moves ever so slightly in my direction and he nods. I smile proudly and straighten my posture, raising my head to look towards the stage.

On the stage is the mayor and the previous year's victors. We have many but I know all of them because they've been my instructors ever since I was five. Most of them are actually decent people, all a little weird, but on the whole, nice. They'll be mentors to whoever volunteers. 

My favourite of all the victors is Min Yoongi. He won his games by climbing up the rocky terrain and using his masonry knowledge to create a massive avalanche. He looks bored almost to the point of sleep in his chair, but I know it's a ruse. He's the smartest, most observant person I know.

When the big clock reads 8:30 a loud gong sounds, only slightly different from the one that releases tributes to kill. The mayor gives a short speech about the thrill and glory of winning and how it is a son and daughter's highest duty to win for their family. I can't help but feel his spirit, my bones filling with pride and determination. I don't really want to be picked but every year these speeches make me feel like if I did it wouldn't be so bad.

When the mayor leaves the podium our district escort steps out, looking bright and bubbly as always. He's relatively new and has only been on the job for three years ever since our last escort mysteriously retired. 

His name is Jeon Hoseok and he always dresses in bright bold colours. Last year he had bright red hair and wore a yellow oversized sweatshirt with a massive flower lace collar and leather pants. Gaudy or not, his presence alone brightens the dull place and I don't miss Yoongi-ssi visibly perking up. I have a theory, one I could never share out loud. I tried to test it yesterday but when I brought it up, Yoongi told me to get back to training, an action which only confirms said theory.

Today Hoseok wears a perfectly tailored magenta suit with pale pink flowers stitched on to appear as if they're creeping up from the ground and his hair is in perfectly styled blond curls. 

"Happy Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in your favour!" He says all smiles, "It is an honour to be here with you all today and without further ado, let's get started. Ladies first . . ."

He walks over to the ball but doesn't bother sticking his hand in, now he knows the deal. A second later a voice rises from the crowd, "I volunteer!" It's a girl I don't know very well but I know I've seen her face in school and training.

"Thank you, and what is your name, young lady?" Hoseok says, which makes me snort because this girl looks like she could break an adult man in half, hardly a lady.

"Fiona Heartly."

"Everyone give the female tribute for District Two, Miss Heartly a big, big, big round of applause."

Cheers, whoops and applause fill the square and I can hear more cheers from streets nearby where the last of the population who couldn't fit in the square gathered.

As Fiona walks to the stage I think about Hoseok's first year, how he actually started to pull out a slip when no less than three girls volunteered, his face was priceless. There was a big confusion about who was going. Normally the mentors pick the best girl and boy to volunteer but two other girls must've wanted a go as well and rebelled. I did feel a bit bad for Hoseok though, did he not know that two is a volunteer district?

"Okay, okay. I know you're all excited but it's the gentlemen's turn." Hoseok waves his hands out, hushing the rowdy crowd. He walks over to the second glass bowl and still no one's volunteered, I guess none of us were good enough in the eyes of the mentors but if not then, what happens. They must expect someone to volunteer. I won't. I can see Hoseok is confused. 

"Um, Alright." He squints like he's truly to remember what to say when he actually has to announce the slip. He reaches in and I take a deep breath, this feeling of suspense is unfamiliar to me. "The male tribute for District Two is . . . JEON JUNGKOOK!"

I look around to see who's going to get up but no one does then a voice in my head kicks in, hard trained instincts after all these years of training. "What the hell are you doing? Get your ass up there right now." It whisper-yells. 

It's only been a second but I feel like everyone is staring at me as I make my way to the stage. I keep my eyes firmly on Hoseok, his grandiose outfit puts a smile on my face, so hopefully they'll think I'm actually glad to be picked. Any feelings the mayor's speech gave me are all gone now, and I try desperately to find them again.

Hoseok gives me a sunny smile and I must be hallucinating but I swear I see a hint of . . . sympathy (?) before he turns back to the crowd. "Here we have it, the female and male tributes for District Two. May the odds be ever in their favour."

Another round of applause overtakes the crowd and I glance back at Yoongi. His bored expression is gone now, he looks laser focused, he nods his head a tiny bit, my que. I turn back to the crowd determinedly. I'm from District Two, a career. I've trained my whole life for this, I have Yoongi and other mentors, allies. I can win. I will win! Not only for my family, but for myself.

Fiona shares my proud expression, dealing with her at the end will be a pain but I'll think about that later, at least if she did win District Two would still get the prize.

After the reading of the Treaty of Treason, the mayor has Fiona and I shake hands. Her grip is vice-like and I try not to shudder. Just like at the start of the ceremony, the national anthem plays and Hoseok escorts us inside the Justice building to say goodbye to our families.

My family comes into the small room one at a time first Eomma then Junghyun. They all tell me what a wonderful talented fighter I am and how they know that I can win but they'd be proud of me no matter what. I wonder if that's true. Eomma cries, she says it's because she's worried about me being away from home or getting hurt and not because I could die. I wish I shared her absolute faith.

I won't lie, any chance to make my family's life better is a good thing to me, I just wish that i didn't have to leave them. I know it's selfish but i think it anyway.

She holds out her hand to me, and opens it revealing two objects. One of them is Appa's rabbit pin. The sight makes tears form in my eyes, but they don't fall. The second object is a small blue rock, about the size of a small five pence coin. It doesn't look all that impressive but Eomma holds it like it's precious.

"It's called sapphire, it was my mothers favourite and it's your birthstone. Uncut and unpolished it's rough but it can still become something greater like you. When you get into that arena you'll become the man I know you can be. Win for me okay sweetie." She takes a studying breath and pins the pin to my shirt, right over my heart. She holds her hand over it for a moment and I put my hand over hers. She shakes her head as if to tell me that I shouldn't have to reassure her, but I want to. Even when she puts her hand on my shoulder instead I keep mine over the pin, letting it ground me.

"I will." I try to make myself believe it. And it's not hard to do. I know I have an advantage, being from Two. And even for a career, I'm stronger, faster, and better than most of the other tributes. Now that my fate is sealed, why waste time doubting myself? Doubt only makes me weak. I won't be weak. I'm not weak. I can't be. Not if I want a better life for my family, a life free of worry. Where my mother can have anything she wants. She really only wants two things, me safe, and my father to be with her. He works seemingly endless hours as a Peacekeeper so that we can have a good life. He makes a good salary as a senior Peacekeeper but still, we hardly ever see him, and I know it weighs heavily on my mother. If I won he could work less and my mother would be happy and I would get to have a dad.

When she leaves I take a deep breath. Next is the train ride. I'm glad it's only Yoongi who'll be coming with me, and Fiona's mentor. Since District 2 has so many victors only the ones who work specified with the tribute go. Most mentors focus on about 3 or 4 students and if one of them is selected they'll go to the capitol. Yoongi is rare and has worked exclusively with me, and since I try to keep to myself in training, he's the closest thing to a best friend I have. Pretty pathetic, I know.

There's a knock on the door and blond curls appear, then a full face, and Hoseok peeks in.

"Hello, Jungkook!" He hesitates, I barely catch him tilt his head a fraction upwards. I start to follow his gaze but he gives me a look that says to keep my eyes on him, it's so subtle I almost miss it but, confused, I obey. "Are you ready for the biggest adventure of your life? I know you are, let's get you to the station. The camera's are waiting, and everyone wants to see YOU!" He's smiling so big I swear his face is about to split open and something about it, unlike his other smiles, seems fake. He's showing me a crack in his cheery demeanour, but why? I think hard, trying to see inside the crack, beyond the facade. Then I realise: he's reminding me to get my shit together. Now that I'm paying attention, I can see sympathy in his eyes.

Part of me wants to hate him, I mean he represents the very essence of the capitol but I can't. He's just so sweet, and he passed Yoongi's inspection, so he must be alright. 

As we walk out of the back of the justice building, I see what he was looking at, a camera. It hits me harder than any punch: he isn't as oblivious as I thought, is he? But he's from the capitol still, having sympathy, warning me about the camera. This must be why Yoongi likes him so much. But whose side is he on?

We walk to the other visiting room to pick up Fiona and the perfect capitol excitement is back in place, not a trace of awareness left. But I know it was there. 

When we get to the station the cameras assault us. I remember Hoseok's actions in the visiting room and smile proudly, raising my fist high "Hell yeah, District Two. I'm here for one reason only: to win this thing!"

Fiona follows my actions shouting but I just focus on acting appropriately pumped for the cameras. After a minute Hoseok steps back in front of the cameras. 

"Alright, these two have a journey ahead of them, but I promise that you'll certainly be seeing more of us later. See you in the Capitol soon!" With that he leads us into the sleek train.

The inside is clean and shiny and luxurious and when the door closes Yoongi and Bridget Anderson, Fiona's mentor, appear.

Immediately Bridget takes Fiona's arm, "We'll be in the gym, training, if you need us. Don't need us."

When they're out of earshot Hoseok laughs "Cheery that one, isn't she?"

Yoongi sighs but sounds way more alert than usual, "They're going for the aggressive approach. She'll be joining the careers but she fully intends to break out on her own and win, that includes killing Kook." I smile at the nickname but Hoseok flinches on the word killing and excuses himself. Yoongi frowns, I note this down and decide to try confronting him again.

"Yoongi-hyung, what's with him?"

"Who?" He shrugs, clearly feigning ignorance.

"You know exactly who." I clarify anyway, "Jeon Hoseok. And don't lie, I see the way you act when he comes around every year."

He sighs again, thai time with finality. "Jeon Hoseok is, as you've probably figured out, much more aware than most people from the Capitol."

"Yeah, he warned me about the camera in the visiting room. And there was something else . . ." I want to ask Yoongi about that look in Hoseok's eyes but I don't know how.

"Yes, he's an excellent actor, it comes with the job, but he's extremely upset that you were picked, that he picked you. He feels guilty." Yoongi slumps, "And I've tried to tell him it wasn't his fault but . . ."

Yoongi's word's don't make sense. Why would he feel guilty about picking me specifically? Does he feel bad because kids usually volunteer? And why is Yoongi so set on consoling him? (That I think I know the answer, I'm pretty sure.)

I want a better answer. "But why me, would he feel this guilty if he picked any kid? If that's true then why would he pick this job?"

Yoongi's face is one of concentration, like he's trying to think of an explanation. Now I'm almost entirely sure. "He has picked up my soft spot for you, he knows you're like a son to me and he just wishes it wasn't you. I don't know why anyone would want this job?"

Of course, I don't miss how he dodged the second question. "But why does he care so much about someone you care about? And you two seem close, he really didn't tell why he wanted this job or how he got it so suddenly." Now that I think about it, the disappearance of the previous escort is even more suspicious.

Yoongi knows he's been busted. He gives me a look and I feel guilty for interrogating him like this. "Remember when I had to go with Gregory to the games four years ago, because old Richard died."

I nod, he continues. "Hob-" he stops himself then decides to continue, "Hobi and I met at the games. He was a sponsor and wanted to sponsor Gregory when he was dying. Hobi's gift saved Gregory's life." Yoongi gives a rare smile and I smile at the nickname. I'm entirely sure now. He's looking at me as if to measure my reaction, I nod to encourage him, "All during the games we grew close, but I'm still just a peasant," he laughs coldly, "I couldn't stay. I missed Hoseok horribly, and we met again in the Capitol on the victory tour at President Park Jin-young's party. It turned out he missed me just as much. We both agreed we needed to find a way to see each other. He's an extremely popular rapper in the Capitol so it wasn't hard for him to get the position of Tribute Escort. And because it's only part time he can still focus on his career."

"But you can still get to see him." I can't help smiling at seeing Yoongi hyung find happiness, "I'm happy for you hyung. I mean it."

"You, you don't . . . mind it? That we're both men, I mean?" He asks, sounding nervous

"No, why would I? You've found love Yoongi-hyung."

He looks relieved. And I'm in awe. To have a relationship without seeing each other for most of the year, the trust and love that it must to keep that up.

Just then Hoseok comes back. He's wearing a fuzzy hoodie that, like all of his clothes that I've seen, is bright and loud and exaggerated. His joggers are embroidered with a quilt like texture. (and where the hell does one even get platform bunny slippers?)

Yoongi shifts his posture to sit with his legs criss-crossed and Hoseok sits himself down on Yoongi's open lap, and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

I suddenly feel very single, even though I've never really cared about romance before. My stomach aches, I didn't eat any breakfast. And I know that District Two is one of the richest, most fortunate districts but things still aren't perfect. The strict training, the work in the quarries, the constant pressure to be the best, the constant threat of being picked to volunteer because you're the best, the strict diet we're kept on, pushing ourselves further.

Don't get me wrong, I love working out and training. I love pushing myself to get better and testing limits, shaping myself into something perfect, but I've never really wanted to kill and what about my family? What if I don't come back?

But it's unavoidable now, I know I'll have to kill to survive, to win, to make it back home to my family. And I will, I'll do it with determination and gratitude, and I'll silently thank everyone of those other children, who are just like me, for letting me return home. And I'll be proud that I did it, I'll have made it, I'll have survived and bought a better life for my family and extra food for my district and friends and I know that the entire district will be proud of me. And I know that I'll have bought it with blood, sweat and tears, and violence and selfishness all because I want to go back home. And I'll be a coward, because a real man would lay down his life so that the less fortunate would have a chance but I already know that there's no way I'm doing that. I can't, I long to live far too much.

Sometimes I really wish I liked killing, hunting, maiming, hurting, because if I didn't have a conscience or a soul, then I wouldn't have one to risk losing. (And sometimes I hate myself because I know it's selfish for me not to like killing when it's what I've been made to do, my duty to my family, and my district. How selfish am I to resent that?)

But Yoongi is a victor and Hoseok is somebody big in the Capitol. I guess when you don't have to worry about all of that, then romance is the kind of thing you can have. I've always been worried about keeping in shape enough so that I can keep up, and worried about being too good and being picked to volunteer. Honestly, I've never even thought much about love. 

I kind of figured that the mentors would eventually pick me to volunteer, so It's always been IF I survive, (which being a career, I'm almost guaranteed) then I guess I'll take whatever's left of my conscience and soul and marry some girl my family knows and have a family and relive the trauma by worrying about my own children. I don't even know if I want to have children, just to see them get stuck in the cycle all over again, but it's expected so I know that IF I survive then I will.

My mind comes back to the present and I look at the two men. Grumpy pale Yoongi in all black. A simple shirt and pants. Only what's necessary. Bubbly, slightly tanned Hoseok exploding in colour, his crazy outfit screams wealth and excess. Perfect contradictions of each other. The perfect couple.

"Um . . . uh, if you two want to be alone, I can just find my room. It's okay."

They looked startled, as if they'd forgotten I was here.

"Oh, uh, no we'll just go. Of course we won't kick you out." Hoseok stutters, then looks to Yoongi, "Your room or mine?"

"Yours." is all Yoongi says and they dash off, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

After a few minutes of letting myself get lost in my thoughts I snap back out of it. The television is showing the reaping in district three.

I watch for a few moments as the mayor reads a speech almost identical to the one our mayor gives. Bored, I focus on the other people on the stage. I immediately recognise Kim Namjoon. I was only five when he won his games but I still remember him rigging the exploding net that killed the last of the tributes. I remember the look on his face when he won, not triumph but resignation. He has a nephew I think, but I've forgotten his name.

The district 3 escort comes up on stage dressed in an electric blue jumpsuit and gold sparkly, knee high lace up combat boots. His butterfly wings are blue now and they flap elegantly as he introduces himself and says how excited he is for the games. I sigh and settle down. I might as well watch the rest of the reapings to see who my competition will be.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3103

i've basically forgotten what i did today. except i made a mess of my table twice and had to clear a space by swiping my arm across it and taking everything with it. that was honestly really funny.

i managed to clear some junk out of my backpack, and i got to organize my box a little better, and i even had some protein today. it was just a mess most of the day.

i did get to put some new pins on my backpack - i now have the human realm squad, king, and eda pins on my bag. i've got connected teatime huntlow pins and a jumbo flapjack, and now the rest are on and the pocket is all owl house. i like it. it's uneven, but if i can find a camila pin and a clover pin, i'll be all set.

after work i headed to the bank to pick up some cash for nancy - we split the first checks i was able to get, which was plenty anyway, so since the deposits were finalized today, i was able to grab that and also reload my starbucks card.

i went and worked with the kids, going over spelling with one, multiples of six and penmanship with the other, and then nutrition with their mom. lots to do, lots got done. i also made sure the baby stopped crying. he's a hefty chonker who can move. and by god does he have a set of lungs on him. sheesh. it's a wonder nancy has any brain cells ever with all the noise and chaos.

after that i went and got dinner with kristen at margaritas. she's been dealing with a lot and i'm always happy to both lend an ear and eat mexican food, so it was nice to spend time with her. we also got ice cream and we talked about random things. it was nice.

then i came back to joel's and sat down and started cutting out stickers because joel had to do something for work starting at 9pm? i was so confused. but i spent a while cutting and trimming and i discovered im damn good at making round things consistent, in that i cut four and they're within less than half of a millimeter in diameter from one another.

eventually i decided it was time for bed and i packed my stuff up, stickers to be applied and others to be trimmed at a later time, so i went to bed, but i had to fix the sheets first. i didn't want the fitted sheet to roll me up in my sleep. it's done that before.

but the good news is joel came upstairs not long after that. now he's curled the other way in bed and he's probably halfway asleep.

also in my writing i have discovered that my writing block happens because i'm trying to force an idea that doesn't want to be written. now that i'm following the scenes in my head, it flows much easier and it's so much better than it was before. i never could figure out what writers mean when they say they're not the ones writing the story, that they're not making up stories about characters, but that the characters write the stories themselves and that it's not a voluntary thing, almost. but i get it. holly and fuchsia have their own plan. i'm just a witness. and honestly it's cool. now that i'm kinda just following them, i'm definitely more inclined to follow their path for a little longer before saying goodbye, but only surgery will tell me if that's feasible.

which surgery is in eight sleeps. i'm so excited.

[confessions-official]

I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF LIVING WITH MY MOM!!!! I'm in university and I work from home 3-5 out of 5 days of the week (i'm called to the office pretty randomly) for 6 hours, 8 hours when I have days off from school. obviously I can't afford to move out otherwise I already would have. today i broke down crying. i struggle with time management so bad bc i'm always exhausted, i have hashimoto's disease and i can totally be functional but i have little energy and if i don't manage it well i can end up virtually useless by a certain time of the day. last year i pretty much neglected my health entirely while working and studying: i wasn't sleeping or eating well, i was sedentary, etc. the last few weeks i've been finally FINALLY getting into a routine of excersising at home that works for me. today I put time aside during my lunch break to do a short but intense cardio workout I promised myself I would try to do at least once a week to see my endurance level. My mom calls me as I'm just starting out to tell me she "forgot" she ordered a package and it should be home in 10 minutes. I almost broke down fucking crying. I had to cut everything short and shower to be ready when the package got here. Of fucking course it was delayed so I wasted my break waiting for her package. I can't take it anymore, she always does this and I always tell her i have ZERO ISSUE if she wants me to recieve a package she orders, but to PLEASE check in on me so I can schedule my day around that, or so I can let her know if I'm not available. I have no problem waiting for a package or the plumber or whoever if I'm home but I need to KNOW. she always tells me 10 minutes before "oh btw i called a painter for the kitchen" or "i called a plumber for the bathroom". there was one time when i was SO exhausted after finishing an assignment from school, i had literally not slept for days and I had taken a vacation day from work so when i got home from class i could nap (i was at the level of exhaustion where i knew even if i napped i'd be tired enough to sleep well at night). as im finishing some chores and laying down on the couch she calls me like "oh btw i know i said the painters weren't coming today but i told them yes they can. they're on their way". She NEVER checks to see if i'm available and NEVER checks in on what's going on with me in work and school and basically assumes i'm just in the house all day doing nothing. i can't even go out for a walk or to get coffee during my break bc if i miss something she gets pissed at me and says i'm unreliable. i decided i'm moving out with a friend by the end of the year even if it's a one room apartment, because she won't change. she's grown and she has clearly communicated she does not give a shit about my time (we have discussed this multiple times and she's like yea yea okay i'll let you know and she doesn't change). i don't know how the fuck i'm going to move my desktop computer to wherever the fuck i move to (i don't have a laptop, cannot afford one if i want to move out soon, and i 100% need a computer for work and school) but i don't care. i'll figure something out.

 

[i-jxta]

April 4, 2024 | 1027PM

Slowly but surely, I am losing my mind.

I cannot cope.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 16 and I think I've cried about 3 times, including today. I've been seeing my current therapist for about 2-3 years? Two years ago I was diagnosed with BPD and today I was diagnosed with OCD. I usually start my session by doing some mindfulness. I take some deep breaths in and out for like 5 min and then I start to talk. Today, I started crying in the middle of mindfulness. I couldn't take it anymore. I am in so much pain. I can't stop thinking.

In 2011 when I was 10, I was convinced that the world was going to end in 2012. It brought me so much anxiety. I had so much left to do and see. So I wore this random necklace every day with a picture of baby Jesus on it. I decided that as long as I kept this necklace on, the world wouldn't end. If I took off the necklace then bad things would happen. Along with wearing the necklace, I also had to pray every single night and say the same prayer over and over again until I fell asleep. My mom thought it was cute! All the praying I was doing. Not knowing that I was actually filled with dread and carrying the fate of the world on my little 10-year-old shoulders. Aside from the world ending in 2012, I had to say goodnight to my mom every night, in case she died in her sleep. If I didn't say goodnight, then I'd worry that when she died I'd be the reason why. It doesn't make sense, but it makes sense to someone like me. This is a way for me to ease my overwhelming anxiety. The world didn't end and my mom didn't die, so my rituals are working.

In 2019, after something traumatizing happened again. I convinced myself for almost seven months that I was pregnant. I had no symptoms, so naturally, I assumed I was having a cryptic pregnancy. I was breaking down every few days thinking about it. Nobody could convince me I wasn't carrying a child inside of me. I was crying, cutting, praying, and panicking every. single. day. I was googling symptoms all day. One day I was watching a documentary, completely unrelated to pregnancy. and the woman in the documentary said "Oh yea I had a cryptic pregnancy" and I remember so vividly how badly I spiraled after that. Had that been a sign from the universe? Affirming my fears? Telling me "Yes, you are having a cryptic pregnancy". One day, my girlfriend at the time set up an appointment for me at this women's clinic. I went to take a test and they told me "You're not pregnant". And that was the end of that. The kind woman offered me so many resources for my situation. I even set up an appointment to go to some group therapy, but I never showed up. I finally fed my brain the reassurance it needed "You're not pregnant". That's the thing with OCD though. No thought or action is enough to end the cycle. It will continue to seek reassurance and will continue to destroy you until it gets its next dose of reassurance. Once I am done fixating on one thing I move on to the next thing. Something always has to be wrong, my life cannot possibly be perfect for a moment. I started thinking about death a lot more. The possibility of dying and the possibility of the people I love the most dying.

I know this is out of order but before 2019. I smoked a lot of weed carts. I was getting mad fucking high. I have never felt so close to death while I was off those carts. I think I greened out a lot more than I ever had a relaxing high. I kept getting high though because it felt good. I don't know if it's even possible to describe what it is like to be ridiculously high off a cart. This was back when carts were a new-ish thing. I was smoking these without knowing what was in them. I've smoked regular weed and most of the time I have the same reaction to it. The worst part of these highs was how fast my heart would beat. I was always convinced I was having a heart attack. That I was going to drop dead at any moment and I couldn't stop it. It'd be because of my own stupid choice. My mom's voice would ring through my ears, telling me I'm an idiot, and that I can't take care of myself. Maybe she was right? Here I am repeatedly doing the same drug that made me feel like I was just barely hanging on to life.

Ever since then, I've been paranoid about death. It bothers me because it will happen. There is no "avoiding" it. Some day, everyone I know, including me will die. I can't cope with that. It reduces me to tears on the daily. It makes me feel such a primal fear. I constantly worry about the future, never living in the present. I get so anxious I start to feel physical symptoms, like heart palpitations. And guess what! when I feel those I get anxious about having a heart attack and dying. What other ways can I die? My newest fixation is, as I type this, that I am actually developing bone marrow cancer. Any symptoms? Yes, my knee hurts and earlier the joint that connects my femur and pelvis hurt. But that's about it. I've already cried about it 3 times today. I can't stop thinking about it. I've already imagined being on my deathbed and saying goodbye to everyone. Some of my compulsions include googling symptoms and thinking the same thoughts over and over again so that I can anticipate disaster before it happens. I can't fucking relax. If a doctor told me today that I didn't have bone cancer. I'd find something the same day to be fixated on.

I am so burnt out. I struggle so much daily and I am getting really tired of living. BPD, OCD, and Autistic ? are you fucking kidding me. There is way too fucking much going on in my head all the time, at once. Can you imagine fearing death so much that you feel like you need to kill yourself? I want to kill myself. Is that what my brain wants? To self-destruct? I'm so tired of being strong and resilient.

I am in fucking pain. I feel so guilty. The younger version of myself would never want this for herself. She had so many dreams and aspirations in life. She has so much wonder and curiosity. So many things she wants to do and see. And yet she turned out like this. I failed her in so many ways, I've kept her alive. But for what? To punish her? I'm sorry

[vodka-redbull-daily]

October 26th, 2023 (Part 2)

*Graphic Sexual Content*

 I had also spent the morning texting B---. Today was the day we had planned to see each other for the first time.  which is why I was trying so hard to get an appointment in before I got on my plane. had to be in the morning, but not a morning that already had an appointment set up. and today I had two different appointments set up. Later that day, I was planning on meeting up with B------ and I wasn't sure how long that would take since the last time I met up with him we talked for way longer than I had thought  we would.

 I had originally told B--- that you're going to meet up around 11:00 to noon. My appointment was at 10:30 a.m.,  so I knew I would be cutting it a little close to try and meet him afterwards. I had told him that I was in a doctor's appointment and he seemed a little bit annoyed. He kept asking me when I was going to get out and if it was even worth coming to see him after all. I told him I would be out by 11:30 at the latest, which I didn't know because I had told him this right as I was pulling up to the planned parenthood. it was just a guess and  luckily it was the perfect guest. I was getting signed out at the front almost exactly at 11:30. The weird thing about B--- is he kept saying that because of the rain we couldn't see each other. I figured he was going to be one of those guys that just flakes out  and we never end up actually meeting.

 Honestly, he seemed like a pussy.

 Even after getting to meet him, he seems like a pussy. incredibly Meek and mild. Incredibly boring. He claims that he's a hedonist, and I'm not really sure what he's supposed to mean by that. something about he cares how his girl is feeling, how he takes everything romantic and slow. I don't think I'm going to enjoy having sex with him. I don't know if that really matters. He wants to pay weekly and that's something that I'm looking for.  The one I said I'm having with all these other guys are great for instant cash, but they're unreliable and unpredictable. I would much prefer to have a constant and consistent guy. I would actually prefer to have more than one. I would also prefer to like them all, but so far that only seems to be working with B-------.

 We ended up meeting at the coffee shop after all.

 I guess he decided that since I had stopped raining it was okay with me. you met up in a little place outside of Austin. I ordered  and paid for my own coffee,  even though it's pretty sure that check was going to bounce back any minute now. I was pretty sure I was getting stood up, honestly. He had been kind of weird about the timing and the rain and like I said he seems really afraid to say anything out of the ordinary. but he did show up, in an ugly orange Polo.  I don't know if he was impressed or annoyed that I had paid for my own coffee. We sat and talked for a little bit, asking questions back and forth. Well, he mostly asked the questions. That's usually how it goes. I'm not one for asking questions in general, but especially with these old ass men that I really don't care that much about.

 even on the best first I've ever had I don't really remember asking that many questions.

 maybe I did. I did get a little drunk.

 We were holding hands across the table about 2 hours in.

 I do remember talking a lot,  which is very out of character for me.

Maybe he just asked the right questions.

 Maybe he was just really cute.

 even on that first day, I was struck by his smile.

  B--- was boring, ugly,  incredibly passive, and a little bit rude. a little bit snobbish. I know I'm not going to like him at all. He's the only one that I've met up with that hasn't actually given me something. to be fair, I don't think P----- was planning on giving me anything either. I think he only actually paid me that day because I had made it clear that I wasn't going to sleep with him if I wasn't getting money. We talked for about an hour,  which was pretty great because I had planned to meet up with B------ at noon.

 B------ had been texting me the whole morning, also. I'm super open with everyone. I always let them know when I'm talking to somebody else. There's no point in lying. and that's how I found out P---- was sleeping with other people and that I should probably get tested. B------ was texting me about the STD screening, and I was happy to hear how he thought that that was an amazing idea and that he wasn't grossed out or worried that I might give him something. he texted me while I was on the date with B---, asking how I was going in when I would be done.

 We had planned to meet up in a parking lot. public sex. something I'd wanted for a long time and come pretty close to achieving a few times. I just never was able to make it happen.  and with B------'s experience,  he assured me that he would be able to give me that fantasy. After leaving B---, I realized the parking lot we planned to meet him was only 5 minutes away. which was great, except for the fact that I still had an hour before our planned meeting time.  I texted B------ to let him know,  then got gas. again, it was definitely something I needed but I knew that at any minute my card would stop working completely. I was so relieved when it went through and I was able to fill up the tank.

 I didn't want to just hang around the gas station, so I just ended up driving to the parking lot very early anyway. found a spot to park, then texted B------  that I was there and waiting. He'd come pretty early to try and find some spots that were to his liking. I was nervous about having sex while being in this much pain and itchiness. But B------'s cock was so good.  It was so amazing. I had told my friends that I would have let him fuck me for free. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but the fact that he'd made me believe us if you had taken my virginity made the encounter all the more erotic to me.  I was incredibly turned on by the fact that even though I had slept with so many other people in the days before,  masturbated relentlessly, he could still give my pussy a new experience.

 I wanted to fuck B------ again. I also needed the money, but mostly I wanted that dick inside me.  and I leave tomorrow. then it would be a whole week before I  get the chance to get that dick again.  I would just have to fight through the pain. I had done it before. I enjoyed being in pain before. I was sure I was going to enjoy myself. After a little bit of texting back and forth and a little bit of confusion about where I was and where he was, he eventually found me.

 He quickly started giving orders. not mean, just stern.

 "get in the back."

 other men made me horny, or at least I was horny around other men. There was a difference here, though. I was actually excited. He was doing something I normally hate;  telling me what to do. I normally can't stand that, but when he does it I feel this twinge of excitement in my chest. it's a little bit weird and I do worry if it could ever cross the border into dehumanization. B------ seems nice though. I think he would actually listen to me if I told him that's how I was feeling.

  He gave an extra order as he pulled out of the parking spot and began to drive.

 “take off your shorts.”

It took me less than a second to wriggle my way out of them. I was incredibly eager to have him inside me. if he had wanted me naked instantly, I would have made it happen. I had changed in the car multiple times before. I had changed in the car back when I was at Catholic School. it didn't bother me the way I had bothered my mom. but that was the only way I would make it on time for soccer practice.

 the next order.

 “start touching yourself.”

 of course I did it. I did it instantly. Although I masturbate so much, I'm actually not very good with my fingers. at least, not on myself. I don't know why, but today it actually felt good. I don't know if it was because the rubbing relieved a little bit of the itchiness or just B------ constantly telling me he could hear how wet I was putting me in a state then maybe actually want to enjoy it. It was unlike all the other times when I was constantly surrounded by the shame that my mom had pushed upon me. We drove from location to location, pointing out spots and trying to decide which would be the best. We eventually pulled in two parking spot that had some saw-off tree branches hiding the right side of the vehicle while you're at least 20 spaces away from the next on the left.

 Then he came into the back with me.

Similarly to last time, had me bent over and was pounding me in no time. I don't know how, but I forgot how wide he was.  I hadn't forgotten how long it was, but he was so thick around. I don't know how I forgot that. with such positions two or three times, Moved to opposite ends of the backseat, and I licked some of my cum off him.  it didn't taste as good as it usually did, but I'm going to guess that that's from the yeast infection. He wanted me to count how many times he made me cum.  For the first few  positions  we were in, it was pretty easy for me to keep track. Well, it wasn't that easy. It's always been kind of hard for me to keep track. I cum too much and too easily and Too Close back to back to really tell sometimes.  which was the case when we finally ended up in our last position.

 At that point, my count was at 10.  He seemed impressed by this, but to me it seems pretty standard. finding out a lot about myself through hearing about these men's encounters with others. It wasn't until we got into our last position,  my legs splayed open,  him on top of me,  putting his entire length and me over and over again with veracity and passion, that it got to the point where I couldn't keep track. it was too fast, too close together, and I was having trouble keeping a clear head. It was amazing. He told me about how badly he'd wanted me to be loud, not to hold back like I usually did. and I was screaming. or at least it felt like I was screaming. and then suddenly out of nowhere, it hurt.

 I think what happened is that he is simply too big for me. at least right now. We ran into this problem last time. I'm not used to him. He's just so much bigger than everyone else I've had. Besides, I was trying to ignore the dull stinging from the yeast infection  and I had kept my mouth shut when I had been in pain before. I thought I could handle it, but it was just suddenly so painful that I had to tap him on the shoulder like I used to do Tommy  whenever we signal to the other that we had to stop. my  little voice called out that I was hurting, that I was in pain. 

And he stopped.

 He got up. He apologized. We took a minute to catch our breath. He brought  out some  wash clothes that he had warmed up at work for me to clean up. which meant it was over. I didn't want it to be over,  but I didn't know if I was allowed to ask for more. I didn't know if you would be annoyed or confused if I had cried out in pain and then immediately turned around and asked him to go again. but that's the thing about me. I can always go another round.  it was pretty clear  that he was satisfied with the encounter, even though he  hadn't cum himself.  we put our clothes back on, he gave me all that silly jewelry I wear that i had put in a cup holder.  we laughed about how the rain had just started to drizzle again when we had both wanted it to be pouring while we were fucking.  He drove me back to my car, paid me, and we  spent another half hour just talking.

 Eventually, I got back in my car and started to drive home while he went to work. That's when I noticed that P------ had texted me. He was clearly annoyed. He sent a good morning text that I had not responded to. I thought I had, but I guess I had forgotten. I had told him about my meeting with B---, but not about B-------. no particular reason why, I think I just forgot. I did also know about the doctor's appointment, but you said it's an excuse for not texting him when the real excuse was that B------'s cock was so deep inside me that he made me bleed again. it was a discovery I made when I got home and peed to make sure I didn't get a uti.

Blood  on the toilet paper again.

 and of course I went to work that night, Even though I was exhausted.  fly out tomorrow. I already took tomorrow off of work. as much as I wanted to, I really can't keep calling out. especially since the last time I called that it was strictly for sex. Besides, I have plans to meet M-- ( the one with the gun) in the morning,  then P------- in the afternoon  and I know P------ is going to take so much of my time. I don't know if I'm going to be late because he won't let me leave.

Total Earned: $1,800

Body Count: 8

Dick Pics: 9

(My favorite numbers…)

Sex Ranking:

B------

Him

T-----

P------

R--

T------

D--

M---

[casspurrjoybell-28]

Alpha's Temptation - Chapter 24

*Warning Adult Content*

When I wake up to an empty bed, my heart drops, thinking I dreamt it all up.

I scramble out of the sheets, spotting a little note on the nightstand.

In a messy scrawl it reads: 'Had early morning call. See u later?' with a funny looking face scribbled next to it.

I find myself beaming as I pull out my phone to text Daemon, snapping a photo of the note and sending it to him.

Ash: You could have just texted me.

Almost immediately he starts typing in response.

Daemon: I could've. But I thought you'd like it, dork.

Ash: I do &lt;3

I add the heart to my message with relish, smiling to myself all the while.

I remember that today I go back to school, so I jump up to get ready.

Actually being able to sleep for once has worked wonders on me.

I have never slept so soundly, without a nightmare before.

Except for maybe when I was little.

But I can't remember.

I pull out a cute striped knit sweater and skinny jeans, humming to myself as I get ready.

School is the usual stare and whisper show as usual.

Except for this time, it's not about what Henry did to me, it's about what I did to his brother.

Is it bad that I don't feel sorry?

Maybe that makes me a bad person.

I don't know.

I meet up with the gang at lunch and Lylah is static to see me, throwing her arms around me.

I hug her back tightly, glad to be back.

I apologize for being distant during my suspension.

I lie and say Lucien took my phone, not wanting to tell the truth, which is that I was too depressed to even pick up the device.

"I'm just glad you're back and not expelled," Lylah exclaims.

"It's all because Jay vouched for me," I look to said Alpha, giving him a look of appreciation. "Thanks again for doing that, even though I didn't really deserve it after what I... did."

"Agreed. Or I would've done it myself," Lylah proclaims, putting a hand over her chest as if she were doing to a pledge.

"Really?" I was worried they might think less of me.

"Yeah. You're badass, Ash," Jay winks at me.

"T-thanks" I reply, flustered.

Surely he's exaggerating.

I don't think what I did was that epic.

And now Lylah is making all sorts of teasing faces at me that Jay can't see and I just shake my head at her.

"Anyway," she clasps her hands together. "I dropped Jay's jersey off at your house. You got it, right?"

"You don't have to keep it, Ash," Jay immediately cuts in. "Not if it reminds you of..."

"No, no," I assure him. "I'll keep it. In your honor."

Lylah looks pleased with herself, a mischievous look on her face as she looks from me to Jay.

"Okay and can we talk about how you called Ash gorgeous at the game? Hmmm? Hmmm?" Lylah jabs Jay playfully in the side and he flushes, hiding his face from us.

"And how about how much you whined about Ash being gone these past two weeks?" she continues until Jay is putting a hand over her mouth to stop her.

She gleefully tries to squirm out of his grip.

I just laugh at their antics and my cheeks are already so sore from all the smiling I've been doing.

Lylah sure knows how to rile people up.

It seems her new hobby is trying to embarrass Jay in front of me.

I turn to Wren, who's been awfully quiet the entire lunch.

"Hey, you okay?" I ask him worriedly.

"Yeah. I'm just fine," he says, his tone flat.

I decide not to push it because he does not look happy whatsoever.

I look to Lylah for help but she's busy whacking Jay with her water bottle as he holds her school books out of reach.

I wish I knew how to reach out, to show Wren I'm here for him.

But he just seems so unreceptive right now.

*********

Today is my 18th birthday.

October 10th.

The day I was born.

The day I regret the most.

Okay, that was a bit dramatic.

As I wake up to the smell of coffee pancakes from downstairs I decide maybe I don't regret it too much.

I check my phone and see a flood of happy birthday texts from my friends and smile to myself.

Not one from Daemon, though.

My smile drops, kind of disappointed.

I mean, it's been better between us.

Definitely.

Not the usual fighting.

And he's been there for me.

But it's like we're in two different worlds.

I'm still in school and he's out on missions for Lucien, dealing with truces and rivalry with other packs.

I don't want him to see me as some annoying kid, whining for him to come see me.

With a sigh, I roll out of bed, padding downstairs to see Lucien's set the table lavishly with pancakes topped with powdered sugar and strawberries, syrup, bacon, scrambled eggs and a steaming cup of coffee.

"How's the birthday boy? Hungry, I hope," he chuckles, pulling out a chair for me to sit.

"Lucien. This looks amazing," I say in awe as I sit down.

I nearly start to tear up.

No one's celebrated my birthday in years.

My stepfather didn't even know the date of my birthday.

"Thank you so much," I gratefully smile at him as he ruffles my hair.

"My pleasure, bud. Let me go get your present," he leaves the room for a quick second, coming back with a pink box.

"Oh, you didn't have to..."

"Open it," he encourages me.

So I do, pulling open the box and taking out a cropped dark gray hoodie from Forever 21 that I have literally been wanting forever.

"Omg. I... how did you know?"

Lucien looks bit sheepish, scratching the back of his head.

"I may have had to get a little help from your friends."

I immediately pull it on, seeing it fits perfectly.

I spin in a circle for Lucien and he chuckles.

"It fits perfect," I exclaim.I give him a big hug.

"Thank you. This is the best present ever."

"I'm glad you like it. I was scared I might have gotten the wrong size or something. Rose was always better in the shopping department."

We finish breakfast happily and when I'm done suddenly I hear a car honk outside.

I run out to the porch to see Lylah, Wren and Jay all in her car together.

"Get in here cutie. We're taking you out," Lylah yells from the driver's seat.

"You guys..." I put a hand over my mouth in pleasant surprise.

I quickly rush upstairs to get my stuff and get ready, wearing my new hoodie and some black flare jeans.

My midriff is out so I'm a bit self-conscious but I decide that I should show off what I got.

Not that I have much... I quickly turn away from my mirror before I convince myself I look morphed and inhuman.

Which is what usually happens if I stare too long because my self perception and image are so distorted.

But today is a good day.

I can't let my low self-esteem ruin it.

I grab my phone and then head back downstairs.

"Have fun with your friends," Lucien sees me off and I tell him I will before eagerly rushing outside.

The first stop is thrifting because Lylah's absolutely obsessed with it and wants to set me up with some 'vintage' fits.

So she makes me try on all these crazy outfits while we take silly pictures together.

Jay sits on the designated 'boyfriend bench' as Lylah calls it, next to the fitting room as we do so, chatting with Wren about some rare Nike sneakers he's considering getting.

Wren is all smiles, pushing his hair behind his ear and laughing at all of Jay's jokes.

Awe, they look so cute together.

When we're finished, I only end up getting one pair of brown corduroy pants because Lylah insists on buying them for me since it's my birthday and I don't want to make her pay too much.

By that time it's early afternoon so Lylah says our next stop is the mall and that they have another surprise in store for me.

When we arrive at the small boutique I'm a bit confused and Lylah ushers me to a little booth in the corner of the store.

"So you know how you've been wanting to get your ears pierced? We thought you should do it today."

"Really? But isn't it expensive?" I ask worriedly.

"Not at all. I know the shop owner and she even gave me a discount. Consider it my gift to you," Wren assures me.

"Awe... That's so thoughtful of you," I hug him affectionately.

Then he helps me pick out some cute faux diamond earrings, ensuring I get the right size and material.

I look over as Lylah holds up some thick giant gold hoops to Jay's ear.

"He could totally rock these, couldn't he?" she asks us.

"Those look like they would tear my earlobes in half," Jay covers his ears protectively, moving away from her as we all laugh.

The process of getting my ears pierced is quick and nearly painless and after it's done I can't stop admiring the little jewel studs in my ears.

"I love them," I tell Wren and he grins bashfully.

I show Lylah and Jay excitedly.

"Material gwirl... what are you gonna get pierced next?" she asks, taking photos of me from every angle possible.

"Next? I just got these, silly."

"So that's a no to nipple piercings?" she raises her eyebrow and I gape at her, quickly looking around to make sure the employee didn't hear.

"Lylah," I whisper-yell at her.

"What? Y'all don't think Ash should get his nips pierced?" she looks to the other two.

Jay coughs abruptly, looking down to avoid the question.

Wren rolls his eyes.

"They don't do that here, weirdo."

"I wasn't serious."

Leaving them to their argument, Jay looks down at me, pushing my hair behind my ear for a better view of the earrings.

"It suits you," he says, a fond look in his eyes.

Lylah turns away from her quarrel with Wren, squealing as she starts snapping more photos of us and I wonder how she hasn't run out of storage space by now.

We hang around the mall for a bit longer until we're all hungry and we go to dinner.

Jay buys for us as my 'present' even though it's a serious battle to get past me and do that because I feel so bad about them paying for everything.

But Jay grabs the bill away from me, insisting and I eventually give in because he says he really wants to do this for me.

By the time we're done, I can't physically eat anymore so we don't order dessert.

They apologize for not being able to get me a cake and I say it's completely fine.

I mean I already had sweets this morning.

And I don't mind not following tradition.

I didn't even really know about how to celebrate birthdays until today.

And to be honest, the entire day has been so great that I find myself questioning if I deserve all this. 

Then they drop me off at home and I thank them all for the wonderful time, telling them how much I love them.

I can't suppress the joy I feel, my heart is so full.

Even taking my medication at the scheduled time doesn't feel like a chore.

I look on my phone, hoping to see a text from Daemon but there's still nothing.

I mean it's not like I was expecting anything.

It's just a random day for him, not special just because it's my birthday.

So I put my phone down, telling myself to stop getting my hopes up and go take a shower.

When I get out I decide I'll watch something before bed.

As I'm about to turn a show on, I hear my phone ding with a message.

I dive for it, lighting up when I see the contact name on the screen.

Daemon: Come outside.

I waste no time pulling on some shoes and rushing downstairs, my heart nearly pounding out of my chest.

I can't believe he came.

If I wasn't happy before I'm nearly floating by now.

I open the front door to see him standing on the porch steps, adorned in a leather jacket and that familiar feeling of butterflies explodes in my stomach again.

It's obvious he's been out most of the day, his hair kind of messy but how does he still look so handsome?

It's making me so nervous.

"You came," I say.

"I didn't forget," he gives me a small smirk, pulling something out of his pocket.

A golden chain dangles from his hand.

"I uh, didn't have time to wrap it but... I made this for you," he says, almost sounding shy as he hands me it.

I take the necklace in my hands, spotting a little charm that hangs from it.

Upon closer observation, I see it's in the shape of the moon with ornate designs carved into it.

"You made this?"

I'm in awe, already feeling myself getting emotional.

He hand-crafted this for me?

'Me?'

"It's not much, I know. But I had some spare gold alloy and I thought you'd..."

By that time I'm already tearing up, letting out a little sniffle as I wipe my eyes.

Daemon's brow creases in worry.

"Do you not like it?" he asks, his expression falling.

"No, no, I love it," I clutch it to my heart. "It's perfect."

At that, a smile of relief breaks out on his face.

"Put it on for me?" I ask.

So he does, leaning in close and clasping it around my neck.

I breathe in shakily, trying to calm down.

I just can't believe he did this for me.

And I want to show him how much it means to me.

He's a step below me on the porch, so it evens out our height difference a little, though he's still taller.

"This is so sweet, Daemon," I tentatively reach out and pull him into a hug. "Thank you,"

"You're welcome, Omega," he replies teasingly, his arms wrapping around me.

I don't want to end this embrace.

I just want to stay like this forever.

And... I want Daemon to know that.

So I take a little risk. I lean in, giving him a little kiss on the cheek.

When I pull back, he's frozen, a blank look of shock on his face.

"B-bye Daemon," I stutter, starting to head back inside when he grabs my arm to stop me.

"Wait."

I look to him questioningly, wondering why but he doesn't say anything.

"I-I have to get back inside or Lucien will..."

"Right, uh..." Daemon's throat bobs and he looks a bit flustered, "Happy birthday, Ash."

"T-Thanks. And I'm gonna wear this every day. I'll treasure it. I promise."

I tell him as I rush back inside, too nervous to be around him any longer after what I just did.