#i've got to remind myself that this last year and a half was building up my skills

[townofcrosshollow]

Hinterland Games is currently advertising for a character artist, seemingly to create clothing assets for the expansion to The Long Dark. God I wish my portfolio were good enough this year to apply there. Working at Hinterland would be my dream job

[sturniolotrip-samandcolby-lover]

Matt sturniolo -little bean

Warnings -swearing,mention of abortion, mention of sex , vomiting use of y/n, arguing .Small age gap (matt 20 and reader 22) silent treatment

Angst/fluff Matt

Author note -thinking of making this into a series so let me know what you all think

Part 1

Word count-2k

I brush the hair out of my face ,as I wake up to a empty house.The house was full of silence as my boyfriend Matt and his triplets brother had left the house already for some business meetings taking place at the ware house.I look at the clock on my phone 10:47am shit thats late for me and im still shattered i dont even feel like ive slept at all. Im awoken from my sleepy daze by my stomach rumbled ,I get up brush my hair quickly and head to the kitchen to get something to eat .

I raid the fridge and cupboards in search for something to eat , I decide to have chopped up lettuce,pickled gherkins and some jolly ranchers .I finish my breakfast and head to the couch to watch some TV ,as I sit down I see a note that's been left on the coffee table it said 'hey baby me Chris and nick have got a few more meetings today then what we thought might be abit later home will bring back some late lunch with us .Matt xxxx'. A smile is present on my face the whole time I read his quick note with my cheeks blushed , Matt's smallest actions can still have a massive effect on me even after being together for over a year now .

I flick through the channels as nothing can satisfy me , I decided to open the YouTube app and put some Sam and Colby on specifically the conjuring from last year's hell week .I'm half way through the video when all of a sudden I feel so nauseous I can feel it building in my stomach like a tornado swirling around inside of me , it starts of slow and the next thing I know I'm running to the nearest bathroom thankfully it's matt and i shared one .I throw the toilet seats up and fall to my knees and close my eyes as the first bit of vomit comes rushing up my throat and out of my mouth .I sit there for the next hour bringing up whats left of this mornings breakfast and last nights dinner.

After minutes of waiting for the sickness to come back .I decided to stand up and reach for my toothbrush and paste ,as I brush my teeth I start to think of anything that could of gave me a bug or if there was a stomach bug going around .After minutes I've came to know conclusion of my sickness when it hits me .....shit Matt and I are usually careful if we don't use a condom we pull out or we get the morning after pill but a while ago I joined the triplets on their 6 million subscribers video .During the night having all the huts to ourselves Matt and I decided to get the hut as far from nick and Chris as possible .It safe to say there was some very animalistic behaviour going on in our tent that night , in the heat of the moment no condom or pull out was used and I could exactly get plan b pill from the gift shop so we just left it and thought well it's not going to happen .

I decide that before I start to get myself worked up in a panic , I'll go to the shop and do a test before the boys get back .Once I feel like I won't be sick again I go and throw some leggings and a jumper on leaving my top to go bra-less as I'm reminded of some achiness in them .I throw some crocs on and grab my car keys as i head out .

*Arrives back from shop*

I walk back into the house and I'm thankful that it's still silent meaning I'm the only one here .This is my first ever pregnancy scare so I'm not expert , I end up buying 7 different tests and some mints to settle my stomach and yet some more gherkins.I wonder around the kitchen with my hands full of tests in search of a cup or container as i dont feel like peeing 6 different times .I decided to keep one unused so i can do it again with matt incase he doesn't believe me .After finding a disposable cup I drink 3 cups of water and walk around the house doing some cleaning while I wait for the water to hit my bladder .I feel a urge to pee and walk to the bathroom, I position the disposable cup where it's supposed to be and let me bladder do it's job I open all the tests and when I'm finished place the 6 sticks into the cup .I start pacing the bathroom but decided that wouldn't be the best thing to do in this situation .So I make my way to the kitchen and put a kettle on figuring that a hot drink may help my nerves while killing the time awaiting the tests.I walk back to the bathroom once then minutes are up and as I pull all the tests out I stand in shock as they all say the same ....I'm pregnant.

Fuck fuck fuck is the only word that is running in my head , what am I going to do ,what am I going to say , what's Matt going to say his career is at its prime right now what will a baby do with this .Fuck their triplets , twins run on my side of the family what if there's more then one baby in there .I hold onto one of the tests in my shaky hands as I pace the bathroom.After minutes of walking around the small white tiled room I decided to hide all the tests and put them in a draw in Matt and my bedroom and I decide to text matt.

Y/n: hey babe was just wondering do you know how long you're gonna be xx

My phone pings instantly telling me that most likely it woul be Matt had texted me back

Matt:yeah not long just grabbing some maccies won't be long everything okay at home ? Xx

Y/n: yeah just got something to talk to you about xx

I avoid my phone until he gets back .I'm startled as I hear the door fling open and just one set of foot steps ."y/n?" I hear his familiar voice Matt is calling after me ."in the living room" I shout back to him .Seconds later he appears looking as perfect as usual "where's Chris and nick?" I ask him "they was fucking around when we was supposed to be signing cards for merch getting sent out so they went back to the warehouse to do their signing , Laura is gonna drop them off later tho .What's this thing you wanna talk about?" I pause with words moving rapidly around my head trying to think of the right way to tell him that I'm now pregnant with his child .I decide that no words are the right words so I take him by the hand and lead him to the bathroom.

His body stills while his eyes move over what the tests all say .The room is silent , too silent."Matt says something " I say breaking the silence ."when did it happen" he says still not taking his eyes off the tests "at the safari , in the hut that night" I respond back to him "fuck" he mutters to himself as he storms out the door .I stand there in silence as my eyes well up with tears.I hear the jingle of Matt's car keys and the door slamming telling me that Matt had left again and gone in his car .I walk into the living room now numb with emotions my hand rests on my lower stomach now knowing that through the layers of skin and muscle is our baby ,my baby the size smaller then a bean in this moment I know that I've got to keep this baby wether Matt wants it or not .

Minutes pass and my nauseous feeling comes over me again as I run to the bathroom again.I spend all the best part of an hour again with my head in the toilet when I stand up again feeling weak at my knees I brush my teeth for the 3rd time today trying to get rid of the vile aftertaste left in my throat .I hear the door go again but i hear 3 set of footsteps this time ,and voices nick ,Chris and matts voice ."what are you gonna do bro?" I hear Chris ask Matt "I don't know"he responds "well you and y/n have gotta talk this out Matt you can't just leave her in the bathroom like you did last time " I hear nick snap at the boys .

"Y/n" I hear nick call out me ."I'm on the bathroom just about to come out" I shout back as I walk into the kitchen .Matt's angry stare softens as he seen my face , I'm now pale and clammy with my skin layered in a thin amount of sweat ."congratulations" Chris says breaking the tension in the room "thank you" I say with a half smile ."so I think you two have gotta talk about this" nick states ."I'm not getting rid of it" I say quickly that being the only thing I'm sure of right now ."I wasn't even going to suggest that" Matt says with anger in his voice .Nick ,places his hand up to Matt in a urge to shush him "calm Matt" he says to him."is it mine ?"matt asks me looking me in the eye "are you fucking kidding me" i say in the exact tone that matt has.Nick and chris take this as a hint and both excuse themselves to different rooms "yeah I'm being real" he says raising his voice , it being full with anger ."you're the only person I've slept with matt you know that" i say to him storming off into our shared room .

*Few hours later*

I hear a knock at the bedroom door hoping that it's Matt ."come in" I shout sounding optimistic.The door opens and nick strides in with a sorry smile on his face "so that was intense" he says as he sits down next to me on the bed "yeah" i agree with him ."so i dont know if this is the right thing to say but im really glad your'e keeping the baby" he says nudging my arm ."yeah i am too , i just hope that matt feels the same " i say smiling properly for the first time today ."alright its getting late so I'll leave you to sleep i heard creating a baby can be tiring "he says with a small laugh.

Just as nick leaves the room Matt enters it , he ignores me acting as if I'm not in the room as he goes to the wardrobe grabbing some spare pillows and duvet he walks back out of the room as I sit in bed listening to him getting comfortable on the sofa .I think to myself how much of a long night I'm in for I can never sleep properly when I'm not with Matt and even worse knowing that he's mad at me .As the thoughts come to my head added with the extra hormones that pregnancy has brought on my eyes start to fill with tears when they fall down my face .I have so many questions running over my head thinking how I'm going to bring up a baby by myself although nicks previous words bring some form of comfort to me .As the clock strike 4 am and im still wide awake and emotional i decide to head to the bathroom and take a calming bath .Im thankful that both nick and chris's rooms are on different levels as I run the tab the sound of water echos through the room .I rid of my clothes and get into the bath now full of bubbles I close my eyes in attempt to relax.

Suddenly my nauseousness creeps up on me again , who ever called morning sickness 'morning' has never experienced this cus it seems to be all throughout the day already .I jump up from the bath with my wet hair sticking to my body as I move quickly to the toilet I throw the lid up and sit on the floor as bile begins to leave my body .I startled as a soft towel is wrapped around my body ,I look up to see Matt crouching next to me with his eyes full of tears himself .His hand rubs circles on my back as I start gagging again ."let it out baby it's okay" he whispers I release bile 3 more times as I pull back and rest my head on Matt's shoulder as he pushes my hair out of my face ."come on let's go to bed and talk " he says so quietly careful not to wake his two brothers up .He stands up and picks me up bridal style still with the towel wrapped around me .He carries me to our bed and uses his foot to close the door as he places me gently on the bed .He goes to our wardrobe and fetches me some shorts and one of his tops , he helps me get dressed as my body is weak from the vomiting.Once I'm dressed I lay in bed as Matt walks over to the other side of the bed and jumps in to bed with me .I sit waiting for him to speak "y/n im sorry for what i said and done earlier i know that you would never cheat on me and id never ask you to get rid of it .Whatever you choose ill support you .Im sorry ive treated you like that when you needed me the most ..." I cut his speech off with a kiss "I know , I know babe and we're going to be fine I want to keep this baby tho" I say to him looking him in his eyes "we're going to be a mommy and daddy" he says to me smiling ."we best tell our parents" I say to him before falling asleep in his arms .

[wlwvampirism]

Everything I Read in 2024

2024 ends tomorrow and it simultaneously feels like this year went by in the blink of an eye and like it went on forever. After not reading consistently for about five or six years, this was the year I pushed myself into getting back into my old hobby and I think that drastically improved my entire year. Motivating myself into reading motivated me into improving other aspects of my life, and while I still have a lot of work to do on myself (there always will be), I'm pretty happy of the progress I made this year and of the person I'm becoming. I'm usually blinded by negativity towards myself, but for once I look back and say, "I did good. I did good." Now here's every book I read in 2024. (Be warned that this post got away from me and it got a bit long.)

Carmilla by J. Sheridan le Fanu -- Read in February of 2024 -- 4 stars

This book was haunting, Carmilla's death stuck with me, and I can attest to the fact that those women are, in fact, pretty gay. This book reminded me of my love for reading.

2. Salem's Lot by Stephen King -- Read from Feb. - April of 2024 -- 5 stars

This book was a gift from a former teacher of mine, so there's sentimental value to it. I definitely wouldn't have picked this up on my own and I was convinced for like the first half of it that I would hate it. I didn't hate it. I like it quite a lot, in fact. Stephen King is the King of horror for a reason, and I definitely felt that while reading this, I think the way the horror was built up in this book was masterful. I think that if I were to read it now, I probably wouldn't have given it five stars, but evidently, I think I needed to read this book when I did to motivate me to keep reading more books.

3. Fifty Beasts to Break Your Heart by GennaRose Nethercott -- Read in April of 2024 -- 4 stars

My first short story collection, ever and it made me appreciate short stories and made me want to read more short story collections. All of the stories in this book were, to put it simply, strange as fuck and I liked that about it. They didn't always make sense, but I appreciated the absurdity of them for what it was. Not every short story in this collection was a winner, but I had fun.

4. Someone You Can Build a Nest In by John Wiswell -- Read in May of 2024 -- 3 stars

I randomly came across this book in a bookshop and I had to get it because the concept just sounded so fun and interesting. The beginning was good, but the book kind of lost me towards the end. I really did not like the plot twist, and it held me back from fully enjoying the book, that being said, I don't think this book was bad and there was a lot about it that I liked, including some parts of the ending. I'm looking forward to seeing whatever else John Wiswell has in store.

5. Delilah Green Doesn't Care by Ashley Herring Blake -- Read from May - June of 2024 -- 2 stars

My first romance novel! Unfortunately, I disliked pretty much every character in this book, I found the romance between Clare and Delilah to be lacking, and it felt like every single conflict in the book was miscommunication. I am not one of those people that's like "EW!! Miscommunication! Miscommunication is automatically stupid, and it automatically ruins a book!" but I didn't like the fact that every. single. conflict could be boiled down to, "There's been a misunderstanding." Also, felt like a lot of character and relationship development got cramped into the last sixty pages. I am not writing the romance genre off entirely, though, and I do want to explore more books in it. I could go on about things I didn't like this book, but I won't. One thing I want to point out that I liked was those scenes of Delilah bonding with Ruby, Clare's daughter.

6. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass, and What Alice Found There by Lewis Carroll -- Read from May - Sep. of 2024 -- 4 stars.

I've always enjoyed the story of Alice in Wonderland, but I've never actually read it with my own two eyes. I wanted to remedy that this year and I ended up buying a copy of it. I really liked both stories, but I think I prefer Through the Looking Glass over Wonderland. These stories were very absurd and confusing, which meant that my imagination ran wild while reading them and I interpreted a lot of things to relate back to my own life. I did end up really liking them, but they definitely are more of an experience than a cohesive story.

Sidenote: I really want to watch the Alice in Wonderland ballet now, I've seen clips of it, and it looks amazingly choreographed.

7. Han's Christian Andersen Fairytales by the man himself -- Read from Sep. - Oct. of 2024 -- 4 stars.

Like with Alice, I've always enjoyed Hans Christian Andersen's fairytales. Unlike with Alice, growing up, I used to own a copy of Andersen's fairytales, and I did actually read them, but then the book went missing a while ago and this year I finally decided to buy another copy. I had fun with the collection; some stories I liked more than others. Going into this my favorite story was The Steadfast Tin Soldier but after reading these as an adult, I think my favorite story is now The Snow Queen. I think reading these re-connected me with my childhood and it was just nice to re-experience some of the stories and experience others for the first time.

8. Sula by Toni Morrison -- Read from Sep. - Oct. of 2024 -- 5 stars.

This book was originally assigned reading for my ENC 1102 class, but I never got around to it then because I was majorly depressed and really struggling academically. After I improved, I decided to actually give Sula a try, because why not. Well, I loved it. Toni Morrison is an amazing writer, everything in this book was written vividly and with emotion imbued into every single word. When I read this book, I did not feel like I was reading, I felt like I was opening a window directly into another moment in time. It's a short book but it has so much to it, and I would love to re-read it in the future and see what else I can gain from it. I'm actually glad that I didn't read it when I was supposed to, because I do not think I would have appreciated it nearly enough then the way I did when I actually got to it.

9. Frightful Folklore of North America: Illustrated Folk Horror From Greenland to the Panama Canal by Mike Bass -- Read in Nov. of 2024 -- 3.5 stars.

A short and easy read, this was something I read when I was bored in order to pass the time. The best part of this book is hands down the creative illustrations, and that's the primary reason I would recommend this book to anyone. I loved that Cuban folklore was included, I love the idea of non-Cubans reading this book and learning a little bit about Cuban folklore, and wider Latin American folklore in general. This book also got me interested in folklore and folk horror, and I want to do further reading into that in the future. However, this book was not without flaw, and it could have used some more proof-reading sessions, especially from people that are from the countries and tribes being talked about.

10. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle -- Read from Sep. - Nov. -- 5 stars.

I loved reading these stories and I especially loved the characters of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson, and I especially adored their friendship. Reading this collection was some of the most fun I had this year and I'm a little sad I finished it, but I'm looking forward to reading everything else in the series that I haven't yet (which is a lot).

11. My Best Friend's Exorcism by Grady Hendrix -- Read from October - November -- 4 stars.

The penultimate book. This one took me by surprise by how much I ended up liking it and being invested in it. Naturally, the thing I found most compelling about this book was the friendship between Gretchen and Abby. This book had a slow build-up, and it felt a little frustrating at times, but getting to that exorcism made it all the worth it and I loved it, and I teared up and it was great.

12. Hijab Butch Blues by Lamya H. -- Read in December -- 5 stars.

I'm not normally interested in memoirs, so this book was the biggest step out of comfort zone in this entire year. Maybe this is a recency bias, but this is my favorite book of this entire year. When I first read this book, I was at some of the lowest that I've been this entire year. Reading this book woke me up from that. This book was comforting in some ways, but it was also a call to action in others. This book made me reflect on myself and in all the ways that I could improve, all the work that I need to do on myself. Hijab Butch Blues talks about a lot of important and heavy topics like misogyny, racism, islamophobia, homophobia (things that Lamya H. experienced firsthand, over and over), but it also talks about finding your community and finding yourself, amongst other things. And though those aspects of positivity and optimism does not mean that the ugly parts of society cease to exist, it does give us a reason to keep fighting so that the people that come after us can live in a world that's a little better than the world we lived through.

It's a really good book and I highly recommend it.

And that's every book I read this year. I feel like this year was more about me finding my footing as a reader than anything else, and I'm excited to go into the next year feeling surer of myself.

[queenquinzel715]

Pt 1 2. Half Orc Captain Hamal

Brief SA/Suicide warning

Word count 1,832

(Y/n) pov

Ever since I could remember I've always worked, but when my parents died it tripled. I had to pay for the house they left me, which is falling apart. I lived next to the main tavern in town, so it only made sense to take the job as bar maiden. Every night I serve all different creatures along with humans, so it can be a lot more rambunctious than people are used to. During the day I try to fix my home, but can only get so much done with the four hours before I have to leave.

Today starts like every other. I eat, then start hammering the boards to the wall. I'm halfway through the main wall when someone bangs on my door. I keep hold of the hammer as I answer the door. The King's guard is standing there with three of his followers. You see they just run the town how they see fit, and that meant tormenting the poor people that live here.

"We've gotten complaints of this eye sore." His voice tries to boom, but I swear he's pushing it too hard.

"Oh I'm sorry. I'm trying to work as fast as I can, but it's only me." I plead.

"Well no wonder. A woman can't build a fire let alone fix a house." He and his group laugh at what he believes to be a joke.

"Well if that's all I'm gonna get back to work." I try to shut the door, but he moves his way inside.

"When I say complaints I mean they want this hole gone." He looks around the small house as two if his followers come inside with him. "However I can ignore this eyesore for some simple payment." He smirks at me, his eyes look down to me gripping the hammer tighter.

Before I could blink he ripped the hammer out of my hand, and threw it across my kitchen. I try to run to the backdoor. Of course he grabs me, but by the back of my hair. He uses my hair as a guide to move me to the couch my father built, throwing me face first onto it. With my dress getting ripped, to them tying my hands to the armrests, and them laughing as they grabbed at me I black out. I still see, feel and hear everything that is going on. I just lay there, helpless. Once they are done I'm cut from the armrest, and left there with one leg hanging off the side, my face in the cushion, and the sharp pain in between my legs. With some miracle strength I sit up gasping at the pain shooting through my whole body. I look around what's called my home, but now it's nothing but a nightmare. A reminder of death, pain of loss, pain of force, and just pain of work. I sit there for I don't know how long before I realize it's dark. I take a deep sigh as I gather myself to grab the pieces of dress on the floor.

Something seems to snap in my brain as I slowly stand on my feet as I look around. I go to the closet where I keep my clothes, and grab a random dress. Once it's somewhat on I give one last look before leaving, and walking through this awful town. My daze-like eyes scan the town, and the forest as I walk ahead. I feel the forest floor poke at my feet.

Hamal pov

Everyone is laughing, cheering their drinks, overall having a good time. I look around the tavern for a certain (h/c) bar maid. I was actually going to talk to her this time. I've had enough of my own men making their own practical jokes about me. It's getting dark out, when I notice she still isn't here. I'm lifting my beer to my lips as Talen, a werewolf that has been on my crew for years, comes hurling through the people with a worried look on his face.

"There's something wrong with (y/n)."

"What do you mean?" I immediately sit up, slamming my beer mug down.

"I saw her walking in the town with this off look, and when I got close I smelt blood, and different human smells. When I came here she was heading to the woods." He hurries out.

I don't even respond, I just run out of the tavern to the woods. I can smell her blood like it's an arrow. I see a clearing up ahead, but when I come through I see my (h/c) haired barmaid standing on the cliff.

"(Y/n) don't!" I try to get her attention, but she jumps.

(Y/n) pov

I heard a deep voice yell at me, but it's too late. I'm hearing wind in my ears blocking everything out. My body crashes with the cold water making me lock up. I open my eyes to see the bubbles clear as I sink lower. I'm almost to the ground when my chest tightens. As my body makes contact with the ground I see two long cloud-like things swim around in a circle above me. I'm in awe as they come closer, and see half human octopus, and a mermaid. They grab my arms, swimming me to the top, making me gasp for air. I'm coughing as I'm squinting my eyes at them while they hold me up.

"You stupid girl! Why would you do that?" The octopus woman firmly talks.

"Octia please the poor thing doesn't need you berating her for her choices. Let's just get her to Kelim. Hopefully he can get all the water out of her lungs." The mermaid tries to reason.

I feel tentacles wrap around my waist, and arms around my shoulders guiding me to the small cave that was under the cliff. We go through a portal of some kind like pushing through a thin sheet. I'm placed on a dock with the mermaid sitting next to me.

"I'm sorry." I say softly as I black out.

I go in and out of consciousness. At one point I'm in a tent, the next a man is upside down looking at me, another I'm alone, but the final time I wake up I'm surrounded by a group of women, some with worried faces, some with curiosity, and some just looking at me. They gasp all at once, but the mermaid that helped me moves away. I stay just how I am until I see a man look over a woman's head.

"Good, you're awake. You gave the girls a fright." I just look at him. "I'm Kelim the doctor of this island, if you will. Sadly we don't know why you jumped, but you have a lot to learn. I got the water out of your lungs." He helps me sit up.

"Why would they help me?" I finally ask.

"Well I saw you jump, and Nixie felt your sadness. She says she felt something wanting to hold you." Octia answered.

I deeply sigh as I look at the cabin we were in, and how the water women are able to be inside from a small pool in the floor.

Hamal's pov

My men have kept their distance as we load up the ship. You could say I've been in a harsh mood these past couple of weeks, would be an understatement. I watched the woman I cared for deeply jump to her death, and I have a deep imagination of why. Talen was able to sniff out which scent it was, and found three of the King's guards as the owners. I take them to the forest, and let my men do as they wished with them as I sat on the edge of the cliff.

"We're all loaded up sir." A demon crewman softly tells me.

We set sail through the deep sea. It doesn't take long for a storm to come through. My life has just plummeted. The storm gets rougher as we try to fight the currents. As waves push and pull my ship I see what look like arms moving the waves. I glide as much as I can with the wind, and waves. My ship evens it as the wind dies down, but it's going to close to rocks. My men are pointing at things in the water. I see men and women merfolk push the ship in the direction of the land. My men start to shout, but when the elves are trying to calm everyone down.

"It's a portal. Relax!'' They yell to the others.

A portal? Why are they taking us there? We go through the portal to a whole other world full of different creatures. I point to the anchor to signal I'm stopping, and yell to the men to drop anchor. I watch from my wheel as my men jump from the sides to meet with the others. I watch as merfolk go onto land, crowding this certain cave.

I ignore it, thinking that it is their home, but when I see (h/c) hair come up from the water of the cave. My hands drop to the ship's railing, gripping it to the point of almost breaking it. The merfolk women move her to the front. I get a better look at my barmaid that has fins coming from out of her head. I watch her in complete awe like if I blinked she'd be gone. She moves with so much elegance as she moves in the water. I quickly grab a net as she gets to the ship's side. I pull her over the edge, finally having her in my arms.

"I watched you jump." I couldn't believe she's here.

"I…I know. Nixi, Octia, and Kelim helped me get my tail." She turns to the group of merfolk women. "I have a family again." She seems to be talking mostly to herself, but it makes me smile. "I heard you yell." She turns to me in a timid voice.

"I couldn't lose you, but I understand why." I sit on the bench I have behind my wheel. "One of my men, Talen, saw you walk through the town, and saw how dazed you were. Also since he's a werewolf he smelt…" I stop myself from saying anymore."Sadly I was too late." I lean my head against the side of hers. "I've watched you every night since I docked in that dreadful town. How you'd serve so many people with that darling smile, and even with my rambunctious crew, you laughed." I chuckle at a memory from my crew members falling off a table trying to dance on top. "I just couldn't keep my eyes off of you, and now I don't think I ever will." I look down at her tail causing her to giggle.

[gtlurker]

My first ever story (and post) on this site! It's tilted inhuman and is about a girl named isabelle who do to genetic experimention is shrunken to four inches tall, it's also going to be told In multiple povs from each charater. the story can be a bit graphic and has a few mentions of suicidal thoughts so warning for that, otherwise I hope you enjoy.

Chapter one.

Isabelle

The first time I felt real hope in my life also ended up being the last.

I was nine when my father brought me and nine other kids to his lab where he and his team of seventeen scientists and three assistants researched the limits of the human body. I foolishly thought it was my parents showing an interest in something I was passionate about.

Science.

I used to love science. I loved taking the time to figure things out and learn about whatever I wanted in my own experiments, I loved picking things apart to find out how they work, and I loved the amazing feeling I got when I finally figured things out. But after i learned what it's like to be on the other end of the stick, whats its like to be picked apart for someone else to figure out how i work,

I hate science.

I pull my knees to my head as I try to conserve the very little warmth my cold cell provides. My eyes squeeze shut as the door creaks open, someone’s here. Nobody should be here, they only left two hours ago. I'm given six hours and thirty minutes of sleep every night after the experiments. Why is someone here? Please, god don't let it be another scientist wanting to play doctor with my tired body during the only break I'm allowed to have. I don't hear footsteps. It must have been the wind playing tricks on me. The familiar click of the door shutting once again gives me half an ounce of comfort as I realize I'm alone again. Everyone else is gone. I press myself against the cold metal bars of my cage and take in the room around me, the same overly clean environment that I've grown used to over the last ten years.

A sigh escapea my lips as I take in the sight of the table they use to perform their sick experiments on me, they hadn't even bothered to clean up my blood. No doubt they left it there to torture me further. The sight of my blood on the table only reminds me that I will never escape, not even death can free me from this fate. Death cannot save me if death cannot reach me. I close my eyes again and go through a mental checklist of what they haven't taken from me yet. my memories, my voice, my thoughts. My memories, my voice, my thoughts. My memories, my voice, my thoughts. I repeat in my head over and over, reminding myself that no matter what else they take, I will always have those three things, even when I wish I didn't. envy is the only thing that comes to mind when i think of the other nine kids who were here with me, partly because they don't have to live with their memories and their thoughts, and partly because they even got to die.

The first of us died of blood loss, so they altered our cells so that we don't get the luxury of bleeding out.

The second caught fire due to the actions of a careless scientist, so made it so our skin can't be burned.

The third had died from being pumped with too many drugs at once, so they made us immune to overdose.

The fourth had died of sickness, so they made us immune to that too.

The fifth had attempted an escape, so they diminished our size down to nearly nothing. He had died during the tests to see if that would work.

The sixth had suffocated herself with a pillow, so they replaced our lungs with a robotic system that produces a different type of oxygen that only our bodies could handle.

The seventh had been crushed to death, so they made our skeletons able to withstand the weight of buildings.

The eight had died of cardiac arrest, so they made our hearts fifty times stronger than any human heart should be.

The ninth had been dissected and stolen for parts.

I am the tenth. The result of how far you can push the limits of the human body, and that is only until they find a way to break me too. I glare at the pile of blankets in the corner, there covered in too much blood and grime to be even considered as usable. They refuse to wash the blankets, which we regrettably used as tourniquets to tie off our wounds back when all this first started. The smell of them used to be nauseatingly disgusting, and I almost wish I could get sick from being around them.

Maybe if I was sick theyd give me a bit of a break. I doubt it though, they would more likely find a way to make me immune to that too. I wonder how long it's been since I have had the cold or even a stomach flu. I wonder how long it will be till I get sick again. I wonder how long it will be until I die, or if I even will die. I used to think It was my right as a human being to have a proper death outside of a place like this, but would I still have a right to leave this lab if I no longer have my mortality? I shake my head as if I'm shaking off the existential crises before it can fully develop.

“Atlas, did you even bother to make a layout of the building?”

an annoyed whisper cuts through the cold silence, And a pit of dread starts to build in the bottom of my empty stomach. It wasn't just the wind. I get up too quickly in an effort to try and get a look at the intruder of the lab. This person is quiet, I haven't even heard their footsteps once since the door shut. Why are they so quiet? Could they save me? Could they hurt me? Where are they? My eyes scan the room as I try to find the ghost person that's sneaking around the room. It's better if I find them before they find me. Almost like the ghost I keep comparing them to, they've hidden themselves perfectly. Away from the sight of the four cameras in the corner of the room, and away from my view. I can't make out if there's one or two ghosts in the room with me. I heard the man say a name, but I only heard one voice. What if there's no one here at all? What if after ten years of living in agony and suffering has finally broken me?

If the ghost-man is nothing but a figment of my broken imagination, then it wouldn't hurt me to talk to him, to call out for help. It would ease the neverending loneliness that this place has instilled in my mind. But on the off chance that it is a real person they could be dangerous and here to hurt me further. Stepping away from the edge of the cage I go over the pros and cons of calling out to him. Pro, if he's fake he doesn't pose a threat. Con, if he's fake then I've truly lost it and will have know way of knowing. Pro, if they're real then they could save me. Con, if they're real they could be scientists. A sigh escapes past my lips, and at the same moment a beaker falls and shatters on the glass tile. A strong smell of bleach invades the room and the ghost man lets out a series of curses in an accent that sounds almost french. Why would my mind make him french? I shake the thought from my head almost as quickly as it forms, what's important now is that i can finally see him. He's in all black with a hood covering the upper half of his face, but I can see a small scar on the left side of his jaw. He's obviously very muscular even with his slightly baggy clothes, and is holding a pistol tightly in his left hand. Why is he armed?! I watch in paralyzed fear as the man looks up and meets my eyes. His brows furrow as confusion takes over his features, he lowers his gun to his hip and takes a cautious step towards me, I return his gesture by also taking a step back. He takes another, more curious step forward, and I again step back. We continue this back and forth until he's at the edge of my cell and I'm pressed firmly against the furthest wall of my cell.

A tense silence fills the room as we both stare at each other intently, watching, and waiting for the other person to make the first move. A chill breeze passes through the room and a shiver racks my tiny body. This man is huge next to me. I've grown used to being man handled and grabbed by scientists whenever they wanted to use me for their sick experiments, but for this ghost-man to stand in front of me and really let me take in his size, its a new form of torture that none of the scientist could even hope to come up with. What if that's what this is? The scientist sending in someone to fuck with my head when they ran ran out of ways to deystroy my body. “Que diable…” the man breaths out a sigh as his shoulders slump with what seems like defeat. What the hell does “que diable'' mean? He's definitely real if he's speaking a language I don't know. He almost seems just as and if not more confused than I am. His eyes shift to the rotten pile of blankets sitting in the corner of my cell. And I feel heat rise up my neck and dye my face a subtle shade of pink from the embarrassment of this stranger seeing me in such a disgusting state. I straighten out the threadbare dress that hangs loosely on my body, before attempting to fix out my hair. I don't know why I care about how a stranger views me, maybe it's because he's the first person who's seen me in years who wasn't actively trying to hurt me. I flinch as he raises a hand that's bigger than my whole body, and gestures to me, more specifically my height. “Are you. . . Isabelle liana?” he asks, his thick french accent breaking through the silence, and my breath hitches in my throat when he says my name. I press myself up further against the wall, the cold metal pressing against my skin. He knows my name. Why? There's not a chance he's here to do anything good if he already knows who I am. I shake my head no, lying in the hopes that he'll leave and not hurt me. “Do you know where I can find her?” he asks, and i shake my head once more, i don't think he has good enough eyesight to catch the fact that i'm trembling with fear of what he may do if he finds out that i am in fact, isabelle liana. “Why, why do you need her?” My words are rushed since I'm not sure how well my vocal cords work now since I've only been using them for screaming the last year. His eyes widen and his face shifts to one of shock and slight confusion at my sudden refound voice, and it takes him a few moments to regain his confusion. He rolls his head as he contemplates the way he could phrase things. Does he think I am a child? “Her brother hired me to find and rescue her.” he explains, shrugging his shoulders and leaning down to peer into my cell once more. I shudder under his heavy gaze, but as his words sink in, hundreds of thoughts rush through my head, one playing louder than all the rest. “Damiens okay?” I regret the words the moment they leave my mouth, and the regret buries itself deeper in me as a smile spreads across his face. “You know damien?” he asks, a playful hint to his tone,

“Yes.” i respond.

“And you're not isabelle?” he asks.

“I am not.”

“How do you know damien?” he crosses his arms and leans on his left hip. “Family ties.” I confidently replied. “Like a brother?” He raises his eyebrow. “Yes.” I cross my arms in return. “So you're isabelle?” he tries to suppress his smirk. “obviously.” fuck. I don't know if it's sleep deprivation or hunger, but this guy is starting to annoy me more than scare me. A grin plays on his lips as he chuckles quietly, I flinch at the sound and take a step back. My eyes go wide as he pulls out a small pair of dull looking scissors out of the large bag he wears on his hips, but they dont look like normal scissors. They're bigger than his hand and seem like they should be stored in a tool box.

“What is that?!” I shout, now fearing for my safety once again with this ghost man. “Chain breaker.” he replies blankly, before raising it to the lock of my cell. It moved to the far back corner, getting as far away from his chain breaker as I could. “I'm ronan, in case you were wondering.” he tells me as he swings open my cell door. I gasp, the only barrier between him and my safety easily stolen without a care in the word from him. Tears brim my waterline at the thoughts of everything he might do to me if i dont get away from him. But I can't. He's blocking the only exit with his way too big hand that is now entering my cell. Oh my god his hand is in my cell. My eyes snap shut and I put my hands up defensively. “NO!” I cry out, and a small sob escapes my throat. the warmth that's been radianting off his hand leaves my cell. And I almost want it back. Sobs rack my pathetically small body as he just watches, I bet he's just struggling to contain his amusement at seeing me like this. He was lying about knowing damien, he guessed i had a brother and this is all just one big trick set up by the scientist to torture me even more than the already have. My sobs soon turn to wails as I realize that I indeed am going to die without seeing my brother again, Ronan, if that even is his actual name was just sent here to bring false hope just so they could rip it away one last time before they finally kill me. And that's only if I still can die, they might bury me under ground and leave me there to starve or dehydrate, whichever comes first, then study the effects it has on my inhuman body. No one will reprimand these awful people for everything they've done to me and the nine others who lost their lives in this place, they'll bring in a new batch of kids and do the same to them, and all our deaths will be in vain. I flinch when I feel a finger begin to gently pat my back, and I jump away from it. “Hey, hey, calm down, stop screaming.” he says, as he puts his hands up so i can see there not doing anything to hurt me. “I already told you this but i'll tell you again, your brother, Damien Liana, hired me, Ronan Moreau, to rescue you from this place.” i shake my head no, not wanting to believe a word he's saying, this man has managed to go from terrifying, to annoying and back to terrifying, and i don't think i could trust him even if i tried. I flinch hard again when I notice that he's slowly extending his palm towards me. But it stops before it even enters my cell. “Please, I promise I'll get you out of here safely.” he says, and i wipe some of the never ending tears off my cheek. “Pinky promise?” I whisper, and he chuckles at my childish request. His hand shifts so that he's holding out his pinky finger to me. I hesitantly hold mine out as well. Because of the immense size difference we can't interlock our fingers, so we just touch the tips together. It may not seem like much, but it means alot to me that he was willing to go along with such a childish request for the sake of my comfort. This time, when he reaches out a hand for me to climb onto, I take a deep breath, and step onto the hand that's offering me the freedom that I have been praying for.

[nym-wibbly]

A week on from losing my feline soulmate, I'm starting to adjust to life without her. Her ashes will be returned to me today and I'm hoping for a smidge of closure there. It'll be a good reminder that I did right by her at the end, if nothing else.

The woman who responded to my freebie ad for all the leftover normal cat food contacted me again yesterday with pictures of her cats and her son's, and told me that the specialist imported soups I gave them got the latter eating again after having the last of his poor teeth removed! The Cat's 'boyfriend' next door is going to take all her lightly-used stuff - beds, scratch pole, feeder puzzles, toys, unopened veterinary renal diet packets - to the local shelter this weekend. I've never been sentimental, and I meant to put everything in the garage until I could find a new furry friend, but having gathered it all together I find that I can't bear the thought of watching another cat use The Cat's stuff. She'd have hated that!

Meanwhile, this chunky chap has taken to visiting the 'boyfriend', our next door neighbour, and will dispense a single dignified head bunt if approached softly. He sits on the corner of the wall between our house and the neighbour, and stares at our back door until I go out and say hello. He's an entire Tom with bollocks the size of walnuts and a tattered ear like a badge of honour, very serious and sedate, but very good manners. Naturally, The Cat attacked him on sight - and got the only bite she ever received on my watch! He's got to be twice her size and weight. After ten years of scaring the shit out of every local cat just by existing, she met her match. Nobody knows where he lives or what he's called. I call him Big Job.

I'm already thinking about finding another cat to love. Just dipping a toe at the moment - checking out hobby/show breeders to find the humane ones, reading about specific purebreeds in case there's a chance I could find a kitten from a breed with a temperament that suits this house. I'm all about temperament/suitability and genetic health and not at all choosy about looks, but mother is also picky about face shape - very attached to the European Domestic look that's most common in the domestic cat population here. She doesn't find the more oriental features appealing. Big Job there more resembles a purebred British Shorthair than a DSH - the flatter, rounder face and stocky build with shorter legs buried in dense plushie floof. I'm sure mum would love any cat I chose, once she'd had a few biscuit-making sessions and purrs, but it'll be easier all round if I can land another solid British moggie!

I'll apply to the two (of ten) local-ish shelters whose rules don't exclude me from taking one of their rescues or kittens, one of which might - just - accept me as a foster, if I can team up with The Cat's boyfriend for vet transport. I've been really shocked at how many shelters make it so hard to qualify for a pet that they're all but forcing people to turn to breeders - responsible or otherwise - or go without. I know they have to weigh the benefits of the new home to the animal, of course that's important, but if I and this spacious house and garden away from main roads can't have a well-matched rescue cat to devote myself to, heart and soul, for the rest of its luxury-filled and carefree life, something's gone badly wrong in the common sense department at those organisations. And half of them have messages up on their pages moaning about how hard it is to find homes for their animals. Cats Protection (from whence The adult Cat and my three kitten fosters came in 2014, back when we had a local branch) even have a page about adoption, complaining that it's become more common in the UK for people to buy a purebreed than to take a rescue, for the first time ever???

@intoni @luthienebonyx

[stagmage]

I'm back briefly because I'm in need of microblogging. Don't read if you're disinterested in the ugly details of a stranger's life. And if you are interested in the ugly details of a stranger's life, that's trashy but I feel you.

I have lived with a domestically violent person for over a decade. Half that time I thought I was in love, and the other half I've been economically compelled to stay - turns out when you're socially isolated, your abuser can offer an unbeatable deal on rent.

Last year, in August, I got diagnosed with autism/ADHD, in addition to cPTSD. I put my foot down and said I need support and I need the violence to stop. Spoiler alert, it didn't.

In March, they were violent again and I went "wow, no, not what I signed up for, I'm not paying rent on a house I'm not safe to be in". And I withheld my rent for three months to build a safety net. And things slowly calmed down again. I felt safer with my emergency savings.

In June, they broke their finger and stopped working. I had to hand over all my savings in order to keep us from being kicked out. They then sat around the house for a month berating and belittling me.

In July, they assaulted me again.

None of the recommendations or habits that I've tried to institute since my diagnosis have been implemented.

I currently spend my days on the computer trying to distract myself from the hell I live in. When they get out of bed at 4pm I go hide in my room. If I don't go hide in my room I get abused. Only the performance of total neutrality keeps their aggression at bay, and only sometimes.

I have an occupational therapist's recommendations pending, and psychiatric treatment booked in for next week. This cost a thousand dollars that I don't have.

I hate living with animals who are also obviously afraid of my abuser, and not being able to do anything for them. I can't keep them as I can't afford to provide for them. I can't take care of them here because that escalates the abuse, and I can't ignore them because I love them. It's actually torture.

My one goal when I left home as a teenager was "let's find a place where people don't use hitting each other to address their problems". Now my one goal is "get other human beings the fuck away from you, none of them can be trusted not to hit". Everything I've ever tried to build has been taken away in violence. I can't handle it anymore.

The most important things to do now are A) stop wallowing and B) be patient. I've organised a lot of medical care that I sorely need, and the world will look more manageable soon. I'm collapsing right now, but bemoaning my situation only heightens my distress. I have to believe that this isn't permanent and that keeping good boundaries will lead to positive change and growth for me.

Fuck, it's hard, though. Hence this post. I lose track of what's happened, and what's happening, and I internalise the abusive language, and I despair a little and hate myself. Writing it all out reminds me that it's a heavy scene and that I deserve some sympathy, even if only from myself.

Anyway, reblogging silly memes doesn't really match where my head is at, so I'm still avoiding tumblr for now. I'm too short on sanity for social media. And I don't know how to end this post, so...end post.

[gwydionmisha]

Personal: We Are Home

The trip was lovely. Goth Millenial and New Millenial and I stayed with my two oldest continuous friends, Karjack and Werepixy and their four delightful cats. The city has changed a lot, to the point of being disorienting because so many businesses and entire buildings had been replaced and even key chunks of street. My favorite food stall was still at saturday market, an Afghanistani place that must have been there 40ish years. New Millenial fell in love with their food. They got to soak up the very different culture of the city and made several exciting perchases.

One day, I took them to the little art museum which has a fine asian art collection for it's size. We had new york style pizza in my beloved 19th and earliest century graveyard, though the piper of my youth was long gone. Another day we met with a friend of one of the millenials in a park. They got to see the fancy architecture at the New Library. We play tested a tRPG werepixy is going to be running at a convention later this Autumn. Mostly we just hung out.

Karjack made each of us a custom scent before we left on our last night there and a soecial thing for my nails (my immune system's been extra brutal on them lately), and some scented epsom. All three of the custom scents were lovely. Mine is a mix of marigold, clary sage, imortelle, and cardamom, something I couldn't have gotten anywhere else and off the beaten path, but I saw it in my head when they let us smell there esential oil collection. I had back ups if it didn't work, to substitute out, but i'm pretty good at knowing what goes with what at this point and could mix them in had head an had a pretty good idea of what the final product would be like. It was even better with karjack's knowledge of proportion than even I had pictured. (They mixed a proper perfume with carrier oils. DO NOT put essential oils on your skin, pets or in your mouth). I am just a sucker for herbal/wood blends and i've a fondess for more subtle floral notes like geranium, daisy, carnation, etc. mixed with them. The Millenials were delighted with theirs are well, even Goth Millenial, who is super sensative to scents, but who likes smelling like a forest it turns out.

Neither of my cats knew fuck all about suitcases and I had never been gone longer than a day, so they didn't have any idea what was happening. Squirrel described them as mellow and well behaved. I strongly suspect they were mourning me. tavy had two panic attacks the first hour and a half i was home and is needing Lots of reassurance in between attempts to maul me. It took Livia about two hours to decide i was neither ghost nor doppleganger and decide to let me pet her. As I have to be up anyway for laundry reasons, I unpacked and cleaned and bathed, and am now trying to re-establish normal routine for them.

Squirrel'd changed the bed pads after an incident, but Livia also hit the area in front of the bedroom litterbox as I anticipated. Tavy, miracle of miracles did not rin Livia's desk box. Nhe did piss all over his desk box, got three layers of sofa and an extra pad I left over there, expecting this, but also managed to pee all over my desk in the area between Livia's box and my computer, getting so [paper work and the three mpty pills bottles i'd tuckedthere to remind myself to phone them in on my return. I had to do a lot of cleaning and go through the urgent paperwork pile to make sure nothing esseential got hit.

The reason I am up writing is because I need the pads to all be in the dryer before bed, as I need to use the bed pads to cover the sofa, and I'll need them back when I get up.

There is a rather large housing related problem that occured while I was away. It is catastrophic and bullshit and I'm not up to explaining tonight. We're going to try to fight it, but it's possible we are completely fucked out of the blue and not remotely our fault. Fucking Boomers.

I already contacted my social worker and have a government agency I can try to contact, though I'm not particularly sanguine they can help or help fast enough, even though what the fucking boomers are doing doesn't look legal on it's face. I've set squirrel to trying to contact the residents who were trying to organize against the august $141 rate increase to see what they are planning and at minimum to see if we can organize some sort of campaign against to boomers in charge who are trying to fuck the rest of us over. The millenials are going to see about a fundraiser, but i told them to wait until I contacted the government agency and squirrel had time to try working the facebook angle. (I don't facebook. I've avoided it for excellent reasons. Me trying to learn it now makes a lot less sense then them doing it as they do facebook and follow the complex chatter.)

I'm not posting the whole explanation and likely fundraiser until I've a better idea of how those two avenues pan out and squirrel can guestimate his resourses properly.

I literally didn't find out about the Boomers' move on the rest of us until Thursday night. I still needed to do my share of gas if we wanted to get home. The money I'd already spent on things like extra food on the trip was spent. I have an essential car appointment I scheduled for the 2nd I can't postpone as they estimate the car will be dead by November if they can't find out what is leaking and I keep driving it. I have a thing that must be mailed early October that iI can't not mail. After essential bills including housing I have about a hundred left in a normal month. I need a certain amount of gas for things like physio appointments and inevitably there are things EBT doesn't cover like TP. Which you know, eats that leftover bit.

I just don't have much room for penny pinching is what I'm saying, and I don't think the grad students and the fixed income people are any better off than I am.

I am furious and I can't see the math working out. Laundry switches in about ten minutes, so I'm posting this.

[eggcats]

This is a random rant and explanation, and means nothing, so feel free to ignore. I just...gotta get everything out to make sure my thoughts are organized in a way where I agree with the decision I've made.

Randomly, at like 2pm on Tuesday, the ceo of the place I left called me. And didn't leave a voicemail but sent a generic text like "Hey it's (name from place) hope you're doing well, was wondering if you had a second to chat 😊" - no further information.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I work 6pm-630a Monday to Wednesday, 2pm on a Tuesday is a time I'm normally asleep, this time I had just happened to be awake for a little when he called me so I saw it happen in real time, but I didn't answer bc a) I was half-asleep and b) I didn't want to fucking talk to him.

So, I immediately text my friend who still works there like "WHY TF IS (NAME) CALLING ME?!???" And she's like wtf???

Another important context. My former boss there either quit or got fired, both of which are insane to me, and (while I may have had issues with him) he was the thing keeping that cesspool afloat, and I'll be pissed on his behalf if the ceo, who has all the maturity of a toddler, fired him after my direct boss helped build that company from the ground up.

More context, it's a small company. The hierarchy when I worked there was CSO/CEO (married), my boss, and me. So I had regular direct contact with this ceo, I know his personality personally - I was subjected to it for the 5 years I worked there. Just to make sure you know my insults are from experience and not just "ceos suck!"

And my friend, who still works there, said she thinks it might be because he's trying to get me to come back to run their lab they opened in another state last year. The one my former boss, who doesn't work there anymore, ran. She said he'd already asked her (she said no) and maybe he's reaching out to me, since - while I didn't do all the client logistics my boss did - I DID run everything else in the lab in the state I lived in (before they moved 2 hours away) - so I left when the lab left.

Which. If he's asking that's insane bc if I had WANTED TO WORK IN THAT LAB, I'D BE LIVING IN THAT STATE AND WORKING THERE. They TRIED to get me to move to that lab and I refused. I'd already fucking moved to a lab for them and got burned when it only lasted a month and I had to pack it up, move it 1000 miles, break 2 leases in a row, and live at home for a year or so to recoup both my credit and my money loss.

SOME MAJOR CONTEXT HERE. That place was a shitshow. They could never fucking give me a direct answer for when they planned on the lab being officially moved. In January, I was told the goal was moved over by May.

I got a new job (ironically, the job I had LEFT FIVE YEARS AGO to come work there) on July 15 of this year. When I did, the lab was still not in any way moved. Despite that being 2 months past the time I was told was the plan.

So I said, fuck that. It's a combination of incompetence and malice to not have a set deadline to try to force my hand into moving 2 hours away, bc without a notice, I won't have income without doing that.

So I got a new job. Told my boss. Emailed everyone July 1 to let them know that starting July 15 my availability would be limited with taking on a new job, but that I'd still help as needed until the move. Legitimately a 2 weeks notice, except I said I'd stay to help out as I could as much as I can.

Got ghosted. No response. Only got a response when I emailed the Friday before, like, hey, reminder, don't rely on me to open and the run the lab like I do starting Monday. Got a brief response.

Have not heard a single thing from either my ceo or cso since, even though it was a solid 2 months of me running myself ragged, getting less sleep and working my weekends there to not abandon them with my leaving.

IT WASN'T LIKE THEY DIDN'T KNOW I WASN'T MOVING WITH THEM. Every single time it was brought up. INCLUDING the first time it was floated, by the ceo to me, to ask if they moved to (place) would I come with them, and I said no. Never once did I even say maybe I'd consider it. My answer was always a firm no. Their ignoring me was because they thought they could bully me into staying and they were mad at me for hurting their feelings or something. Even when I stayed to help they ignored me, and made it seem like I was extorting them by doing so! Like, if you don't want to pay me I'll leave entirely? I'm doing you a favor by still helping out because you only have 3 employees, INCLUDING me?

So, yeah. That's the place I left. They did not once ever email, call, text, or anything since they found out I'd committed to not going with them. The ceo decided to pack up and move the lab entirely in a 2 day span, telling no one - including my boss who was tasked with doing that.

This was in early September. And he's calling me now, mid-November, acting like he cares about how I'm doing.

Bullshit. This company relies on emotional manipulation to get you to overwork yourself to death, and they burned me out during the 5 years I spent killing myself for them. Being paid barely the going rate for lab supervisors, being constantly promised bonuses and raises that never happened, being told things that are forgotten immediately after and getting upset at you if you dared to bring it up. They burned me out, going to work was a chore I hated and I didn't want to even do a single thing with them anymore by the time I left. It wasn't until they weren't my only income that I could see how stressed I was just on a daily basis, or how toxic of a work environment they had created.

Oh, and, don't forget the MULTIPLE nervous breakdowns they gave me from stress and overwork! ONE OF WHICH MADE ME BURST INTO TEARS AS I SOBBED IN FRONT OF THE CEO BECAUSE I WAS SO STRESSED!!!

I'M NOT A PERSON WHO REGULARLY CRIES, AND THAT PLACE MADE ME DO IT ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS!!! AND THEIR "SOLUTION" AFTER THAT CRY WAS TO SEND ME HOME FOR A FEW DAYS AND THEN IGNORE WHAT I HAD SAID AND DID THE EXACT SAME THING AND ALSO DID SOMETHING I EXPLICITLY. SAID. I. DIDN'T. WANT. THEM. TO. DO. Spitting in my face in the process.

I didn't forget that, but I guess HE did.

Oh! And before I forget!

They made me and my coworker work when we both had covid! 😊 Somehow, we did and ALSO didn't infect the other 2 people working there with us in that tiny lab. Absolutely insane thing to force us to do!

Fuck them.

Yeah. I'm backing my decision to ghost him. If it was something legitimately important that he needed to contact me for, he'd had said it in a voicemail or text.

I'm not calling him just to say hi and then deal with the empty promises of pay or whatever as he tries to convince me to come back.

I fucking hope they crash and burn. I live in anticipation for the day I check their company site or on Google maps and learn they went under. Nothing would bring me more joy.

[callgespenst]

It wasn't a hugely eventful convention or anything but I should probably still write up my Matsuricon 2024 report.

Thursday: Had a friend stay over at my place for the weekend. Pregamed the con by watching a few more episodes of Legend of the Galactic Heroes.

Friday: Cosplayed Soujyurou from Mahoyo, made the jacket and safety pinned my Robin plush to my shoulder. Showed up, grabbed my badge, ran our Lupin III panel for the first time in...four and a half years? Went out into the hallway to chat with people who attended the panel. Then suddenly it was four hours later and we went home.

Saturday: Went home early on Friday to be awake and in a panel room at 8 AM on Saturday to talk about robots for two hours. Midway through the 90s we realized that, despite getting the longest possible timeslot, we were still almost out of time, and had to blast through the last three decades. Haven't done that panel in a while either (haven't done too many panels in general since the pandemic).

Got lunch and looked around the dealer's hall for a bit. I got a rubber charm of Bocchi (of Rock) from a gachapon machine. Not a whole lot else I was interested in, but that's objectively a good thing. Then it was off to the YGO tournament!

I'd revamped my deck (again) because I had made a few key realizations. First, I don't know my opponents' decks well enough to effectively use hand traps to shut down a combo. Second, many modern decks are relatively unprepared to handle a board-clearing spell. Monster effects are simple to negate and counter with a full board. But spells, maybe not. And third, and this one is the most critical part: having a balanced deck of 50/50 monsters/spells and traps no longer matters. I was taking out a bunch of monsters that would never, ever actually be played to the field, their only point in my deck was to be discarded as a counter; to switch in three copies of Raigeki, three Dark Holes, and two Lightning Storms.

It wasn't a huge tourney, there were eleven other players, for what would end up being three rounds of single elimination. My first game, I played a guy who had some kinda deck full of Dinosaurs and counter trap cards. It was an interesting playstyle I hadn't seen before, but I won that 2-0. Second game, Kashtira. Won the first duel, lost the second, won the third. Third and final game, which I sure didn't expect to get to the finals, was vs Ancient Gears, another deck that prefers to go second. Lost the first game, won the second, and I might have been able to win the third if I hadn't let myself get psyched out. But I'm still pretty pleased with my performance, considering I've lost just about every other match I've played with my new deck 0-2.

The second place prize was a bunch of tournament packs, and first place was as well, plus a free badge for next year. The first place winner let me have his pack pulls, which was nice, I'm still building back up a selection of trades to have available. I didn't really need a free badge for next year anyway since I'm planning on paneling again, and my opponent getting a free badge means we can rematch next year! So honestly, I'm kinda glad I got second.

Also while everyone waited for the tourney to start, everyone was ribbing on one guy for his very expensive deck he was keeping in the world's most basic $3 deckbox, so that was entertaining. Reminded me of the fellas I used to play YGO with at the local library, where there was always some friendly banter back and forth.

After that I hung out with a few more friends, played some Melty Blood, and went home.

Sunday: The traditional day at a con where I play mahjong with the homies until we pack up and go home. I got in one whole game before we took all the tables back to our organizer's car (that took half an hour to find). That wrapped up the event and then I got home and conked out early Sunday evening and most of Monday too. I didn't even do a whole lot of running around or anything, I was just tired.

Also my last few conventions have been so overwhelmingly positive on the whole that I forgot that these events are also frequented by people who are weird in not-fun ways. That last mahjong game, had a fella start spouting off about he hates being referred to as cis, despite being a cis hetero male. I hit him with the "I hate the cis because they are led by the treacherous Count Dooku" and that worked surprisingly well at changing the subject, but it was still, terribly awkward there for a second, especially when another of our club's regulars at the same table is one of the most Gender individuals I know.

Anyway that's probably my last anime con for the year, but there's a new event coming to the area in April I think I'll hit up, excited to see what that's like.

[elizabethplaid]

daily notes - may 17, 2024

Sometime Thursday, the anxiety stuff seemed to be done. However, now I'm fighting hormonal fatigue, as it's time for the monthly cycle. It had been light since earlier in the week but Thursday and Friday wiped me out. Since waking up Friday afternoon, both arms feel tingly - pinched nerves from how I slept.

I went to bed around 6:30-7pm, very tired. Woke again around 9:30 but stayed in bed reading. After 11ish, I got up and ate. I'm tired again, arms more tingly - a thin line down each arm, elbow to fingertip. I've eaten and caught up with some internets. I want to sit up and digest for another half-hour at least, even if I close my eyes.

I'll text LL-K, ask if she wants to open the library for me. I don't think I'll be worse than last week, but I won't be a whole lot better, so it's best to stay home. Because of car troubles, dad would have to drive me anyway. I know he won't mind unlocking the building for K.

I actually skipped my weekly call with phone friend, which was scheduled for Friday night. I'm too fatigued to be sad about missing out. Hoped to try again tonight (Saturday), but idk how I'll be doing.

It sucks how the stuff that upsets my routine seems to overlap, not just one thing at a time. The combo amplifies it and interferes with how I perceive things. Logically, shit happens and it's better to take care of myself. Getting through past guilt, I'm always a little antsy when I can't see through my prior commitments (eg library duty).

Lizard brain? Fatigue and anxiety telling me to turn my back on things, shutting down and wanting to hide or sleep. Toddler-tantrum side resists sleep. I've been fighting with short-bursts of sleep on-and-off for nearly a year.

Body exhausted, brain needs stimulation but doesn't have stamina for imagination.

I know this is a routine down-swing. So much excitement last week, I need time to recover. And I'm watching to see how it compares to March - when I had a really bad down-swing. All I can do is watch and wait, try to sleep if/when I can.

I will keep repeating for as long as it lasts: I'm in good spirits about this, and that is a very important thing to note. And I must remind myself that I was able to pull myself out of my last bad down-swing, and I did it quite well. Trust the process, trust that time will ease the tension. The world moves at a fast pace, and I do not move anywhere near that speed.

There's a tension of tears under the surface. It will bleed through if I close my eyes long enough. I get, like, metaphoric hypnic jerks that shake me out of it, so I cannot get the release I need. The tears are probably just fatigue - a toddler tantrum, like I keep saying. Over-stimulated, now with my body hurting and adding to the aches.

Ok, plan of attack: Text LL-K about library. Text counselor for phone session (next week, but I'm planning ahead). Leave my phone on the floor while I try to sleep.

I am grateful to be able to navigate through this, that I can talk myself through this, that I have a "success story" in recent memory to guide me now. Grateful for supportive friends, too. Lego-friend talked me into going to bed early last night, and it really felt like a tantrum with myself. Phone-friend was okay to reschedule, and I know they'll be okay if I need to reschedule again.

No more stream of consciousness. Too tired. Must post. :P

[cannibalcoyote]

Simon Gruber: Am I Worth Anything?

Imagine being John McClane's youngest daughter, and running away to Germany after your parents start fighting again and your dad moves back to New York. What happens when Simon Gruber finds you on the streets:

-This is set after the second movie, but before the 3rd. I have the reader at age 12-

They'd started arguing again, everything was going so good too, Dad had moved here to LA and everything. I don't know what caused all of this, I thought they were happy, I thought everything was fixed... but I'm wrong as per usual.

Mom has us staying with her, but I'm honesty feeling so alone, even with my siblings around. They both are a few years older than me, so they either bully or ignore me, but neither is my friend. Dad was helping us figure this out, but that all went to waste after he left. They started being cold again, acting as if I don't exist. I know this separating is effecting them as well, but at least they have each other, I don't even have mom here to confide in since she's always working.

I try to call dad sometimes, but he's always drunk and usually thinks I'm mom, sometimes he doesn't even give me the chance to talk, just picks up the phone and starts cursing. He's never treated me like that before, sure, sometimes he just picks up the phone and responds that way before knowing it's me, but is that really an excuse? The separation must be hurting him as well... I wish I could help him, but I don't even know how to help myself. 

Sometimes, late at night, I think about what occurred leading up to dad leaving. I remember them shouting at each other, trying to get my brother and sister to take sides. They choose mom either way, I just stood in-between, how could they make me choose? The looks of disdain coming from all sides made me wither, I felt hated, unwanted. Maybe things would be better if I leave?

_______

I left home, it may sound really stupid, but maybe things will be better if I stay at dad's for a little bit; surely things couldn't be worse than staying with my mother and siblings.

The train ride was costly and took around 3 days for me to arrive in New York; my packing was light, just my back pack with a few changes of clothing, all my savings, my ID, some food and a notepad and pen. I didn't want to pack to much because it would make it harder for me to slip out of the house unnoticed, so I just stuffed my backpack and went for it - I probably should've packed other things, but it's too late now.

New York was interesting, I was quite young when we moved to Los Angeles, so being back is a new experience. The buildings are tall and overbearing, they make you feel so small, and the crowded, busy sidewalks only emphasize that point. 

I pull out the map from my pocket, dotting what street I'm on, and then charting the best way to get to my father's apartment. His apartment is a bit away from the station, about 20ish blocks, but I've got enough daylight to make it before nightfall.

Before beginning my trek I pull out my walkman, restarting the CD, it's the Station to Station album by David Bowie - I had to beg for a whole 2 months before my father finally gave in and bought me the walkman, he later gifted me this CD upon noticing how Bowie is my favorite musician. It's a nice reminder that my father cares for me, whenever I'm feeling lonely, I'll listen to this album.

I'm weaving my way through people, trying my best not to run into anyone. The sun seems to be setting a lot sooner than I thought it would, but that must be due to the time difference, I must've forgotten to account for that. Either way, I'm over half way there and the sun is just beginning to set, that last thing I want is to be caught after dark on the streets of New York - I especially don't want this as I am currently an unattended child.

I finally arrive at my fathers apartment, pressing the buzzer at the door, hoping he'll be home and let me in.

"Who is it?" I hear an annoyed voice answer, but I still sigh in relief.

"Dad?" My voice sounds so small, hopefully he still heard me.

"Y/N?" I don't know how to describe it, but it seems like so many emotions smashed into one word: relief, anger, happiness, anxiousness. So many that they overwhelm me.

"Yeah, it's me, can you let me in?" I don't get a verbal response, but hear the door being unlocked. I push open the heavy door, making my way inside the lobby. I head over to the elevator and push the up button, waiting patiently for the doors to open. I'm startled by the abrupt opening of the door from the stairwell, staring at the door as I watch my father come bustling out of it. He looks tense and rushed - a mess if I'm being honest, looking around quickly before stilling when he spots me. 

His movements are fast, he catches me off guard when he pulls me in unexpectedly for a tight hug. I'm surprised, but accept the contact, it's been so long since I've seen my father after all. As he holds me, I can't help but smell the alcohol on him, though I know mentioning it could be disastrous.

We separate and head into the now awaiting elevator, the ride up was quick but surprisingly quiet; I expected some sort of conversation, but maybe he's processing? The walk from the elevator to his apartment felt uncomfortably tense though, like something suddenly angered him. Either way, it made me feel uneasy.

As soon as I enter, I go to speak, but am cut off by the harsh slamming of the door.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" He questions in a raised voice, he's angry, that much I can tell.

"I-" I begin to respond, but have no time as I am immediately cut off.

"Leaving without telling your mother, wandering the streets of New York at night! How the hell did you even get here from LA, no airline would let you board unattended?"

"I-I used the amtrak." I explain in a shaky voice, averting my eyes from his gaze and staring down at the dirty floor.

"What were you even thinking? Coming over here?" His voice is solemn now, and it makes me more uncomfortable than when he was yelling.

"I thought that... maybe I could stay here for a while?" I respond sheepishly, but hoping - no, praying - that he'll let me stay.

"Stay? Here, with me?" He questions incredulously.

"Please?" I whisper, glancing at him hopefully.

"What? No, you can't stay with me." He looks at me like I'm crazy, I suddenly feel very out of place, like I can't find anywhere that I'm allowed to exist. It's an astounding experience, especially when I've always felt so comfortable with my father.

"But..." I begin, trailing off as I try to think of what to say.

"But what? Don't tell me, you thought you could leave your mother and come live with me, that it would be as easy as showing up on my doorstep unannounced?" I can tell he's making fun of me, his tone gives it away.

"I-" I begin once again, only this time I'm interrupted.

"Well it's not! I thought you were smarter than that? You're going back to your mother's first thing tomorrow, you understand?" His shouting is scary, he's never acted like this towards me, though I have seen a few interactions like this between him and my mother.

"Dad, no, I want to stay here!" I all but beg, wide eyed at his words.

"I don't want you staying here, I don't want you anywhere near here!" My hearing goes silent after that, but there's an obnoxious ringing... Did he just say that? That he wants nothing to do with me, that he doesn't want me anywhere near him?

He says a few more things, but I don't care enough to hear them, all I can manage to do is stare straight forward in a daze. I travelled so far, but not even my father wants me around anymore.

I was right, I should've just disappeared; I'm the catalyst of every fight, had I never been born, maybe they would still be together?

I don't remember much that happened after, just my father rolling his eyes as he drags his palm tiredly over his face. He walks me to the spare bedroom and tell me to get some rest, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep after the words we traded.

I'm not quite sure how long I lay in that bed before I hear my father talking from the living room, I tiptoe out of bed and look through the cracked door, he seems to be on the phone.

"You think I wanted her here! Listen Holly, I'm sending her back on the train tomorrow, alright? Make sure she doesn't comeback to New York." He sounds tired, annoyed, upset... I guess he really doesn't want me here, but I know my mother doesn't want me either.

I wait until my father's all but drunk himself to death, it's around 0100 in the morning before he's passed out on the couch, empty bottles on the coffee table. I cling tightly onto my backpack, walking to the front door as quietly as possible, opening the door slowly before sliding into the hallway and closing it with a dull 'click.'

The ride down was eerie, and it became even more so when I exited the apartment building. The darkness enveloping New York made the environment look quite scary, especially with only the light from the full moon and some blinking lamp posts to light my way. There was still some people out walking, most were either drunk or homeless, so I tried to pass by silently and unnoticed; my goal is to reach the airport before sunrise and buy a ticket out of the country, anywhere as long as it's not here.

I would've preferred to hail a taxi, but I can't risk not having the funds to afford a ticket, though neither of my parents want me, they still have an obligation to find me. Since I'll be paying for the flight in cash, there'll be no tracking where I went, unless the person selling me the ticket remembers my name, face, and flight destination; but I highly doubt they'll check the airports first.

When I finally arrive, the sun is just beginning to raise above the horizon, the streets are getting a little more busy with 6am traffic, and there is now light foot traffic along the sidewalks. 

I was coming up on the airport, I can tell because the planes kept getting louder and louder. I'd been thinking during my entire walk on where I wanted to go, it would be suspicious for a 12 year old to ask what flights are available to anywhere, especially without an adult present. 

I've chosen to go to Germany because I've always loved the language and have wanted to visit since I was 5; I've also formulated a story should I be asked any questions. I'm going to say that I'll be visiting family in Cochem, Germany. I remember reading about that beautiful place in a travel magazine, it looked nice enough and I also can't remember any other place. If they want more info, I'll say I'm specifically visiting my Uncle who lives there, that I'll be staying there for the summer. They shouldn't be asking much after that though, so I should be all good.

I push open the terminal doors, and immediately locate the booth where you can purchase a ticket. The lady behind the desk looks nice, she sounds polite as she finishes up talking with another employee before turning to me. She looks a little surprised to see just me, but she quickly recovers.

"Hello, how can I help you?" She questions sweetly.

"Hi there, I was wondering if you have any flights today heading over to Cochem, Germany?" I respond, I try to sound mature, but I'm not sure if it worked as I notice her raise her eyebrow humorously.

"Well, let me check real quick." She clicks a few times on her computer, tilting her head as she shuffles.

"There aren't any flights to Cochem since they don't have an airport." She states.

"What does that mean?" I ask, scrunching my eyebrows as I think my plan may be ruined.

"It just means we find the closest airport to their, and that looks to be Frankfurt Hahn Airport; it's only about 15 miles away." She states nonchalantly, but I'm sighing internally. 15 miles, after how long of a flight? I'll need to get a map too if I don't want to get lost.

"We have a flight leaving at around 0900 with a few seat openings." She continues, showing me the available seats.

"Alright, that works." I state, handing her the cash for the ticket, waiting as she prints it out and hands it to me. I smile in thanks before wandering off to check in and head to my boarding area, I've got a while before my flight, so I guess I'll make myself comfortable.

I don't remember the flight too well, I mainly slept through the flight, having sparse moments of wakefulness when they brought us food and drinks. The people I was seated beside were a kindly older couple, they kept me company and checked in on me; I think they just saw a child alone on the flight and wanted to make sure I wasn't scared or anything.

They would try to talk with me, but I think they realized how tired I was and just let me sleep. They were rather nice, even walking with me off the plane before they separated to go to baggage claim; I didn't need to as I only had my carry-on.

I quickly bought a map from the convenience shop in the airport before heading off on my trek, its around 5am and the sun has yet to rise. The temperature is around 60ºF, so I'm not too cold, I actually welcome the chill as the movement will warm me up in no time.

_______

I've been in Cochem for around 3 weeks now, and I must say that I really should have thought this through. I swapped all my USD over into euros, but I barely have enough to afford food everyday, not to mention I have no place to stay, hotels are far to expensive to even think of. Learning german has also been more complicated than I thought, I assumed it would be easier since I'm immersed in the culture, but it's all just been one big shock for both my body and mind.

Some of the shop owners have started to recognize me; I think they have their assumptions and know I'm homeless, sometimes they'll give me something to eat free of charge. I also can't risk speaking to them in english, I can't risk anyone knowing I'm from the United States, that would only heighten their suspicion on why I'm here instead of in the US. So, for the time being, I'll just have to come off as mute until I learn the language.

_______

It's been a particularly harsh past few days, the temperature has been dropping lower than usual, and my deteriorating clothes haven't been doing much to conserve my body heat. The local children have also taken to terrorizing me, I think they've been making fun of my clothing and muteness (I am now able to mostly understand them after some tutoring from a friendly shop owner).

Sometimes, they'll try to grab my bag, I've had a group of them chase after me just because I wouldn't let them steal my backpack. Their parents either don't notice or don't care, either way, I'm on my own.

They haven't caught me yet, and I can't say what they would do to me if they did. Would they just grab my bag and leave? Or would they want to hurt me for having the audacity to run? Maybe they just chase me because they find it funny, or maybe I have good reason to evade them?

It was actually during one of these chases that I ran into the man that would come to replace my father over time.

It was routine at this point, a group of 6 or so kids would spot me and give chase, I would see them coming and take off.  So far so good, I'm dodging the adults that go on with their lives, trying not to get hit by cars as I sprint across the road.

I'm doing really good actually, I turn around to catch a glimpse of them, they got stopped at the road by passing traffic, yes!

I look forward just as I turn a corner, running straight into someone, they are larger than me, barely being affected by the collision. I, however, had toppled down to the ground , scraping up my palms on the ground as the flail out to catch me.

Tears well in my eyes at the stinging pain, I can feel as the grit and dirt dig into the wounds as they rub against the cobblestone. I quickly glance up and see a tall man with short blonde hair, his eyes are a striking blue; they make me think of my father's eyes, how his aren't as striking as this man's.

I observe his expression, his eyes widen only slightly, showing his surprise about being barreled into so unexpectedly. He looks very professional in what I can best describe as a business casual suit, but something about him makes him seem like more than what he shows. This strange man, he holds an air of authority, power, I could almost describe him as threatening.

My thoughts are drawn away by the trampled footsteps behind me. I quickly scramble up from the floor, ignoring the pain in my hands as I snap my gaze to the corner I had rounded. I look just as the others come around, they halt as well at the sight of me and this adult. 

I lock eyes with the groups leader and immediately begin sprinting down the road, I can hear them giving chase immediately, shouting that no one cares enough about me to help. The tears already welled up in my eyes begin to cascade down my face; they're right, not even my own family wanted, how could I expect that strangers from a different country would want me either?

In my moments of self-pity, I step into a crevice, I was unprepared for the change in level and feel my knee giving out. I tumble to the ground in a flurry, scraping my limbs against the harsh ground. I curse at myself, attempting to stand, but this fall may have done me in, my legs feel like they are on fire, and my left ankle feels heavy and stiff, as though it was being strangled.

Looking up, I notice that I've fallen in a rather secluded area of town, almost no foot traffic here at all, so these miscreants will have a field day, I wonder what they'll actually do now that they've finally caught me.

They surround me, two of them ripping my backpack from me despite my struggle to keep hold of it. The leader marches forward and shoves me, allowing them to grab the bag away. They unzip it before turning it upside down, shaking everything out onto the floor.

We watch as clothes, food, paper and pens tumble out. They look disappointed when nothing else appears, what were they expecting, cash? As if I have any left...

The leader and his lackeys roughly lift me from the ground, having to hold me up since my legs have stopped functioning. Just as they're about to speak, a stern voice erupts from behind them.

"Aufhören (Stop)." They all freeze, the boys looking back to see who interrupted them. I look as well, though it took a lot of effort.

There, standing imposingly a few steps away is the man with the blue eyes, I ran into him, what is he doing stopping these boys from hurting me?

"Was (What)?" The leader questions, he tries to sound stern as well, but I can see him shrinking away when the man steps closer.

"Verpisst euch, lauft zu euren Müttern (Fuck off, go run to your mothers)." He growls in a deep tone, I can feel the disgust in his voice when speaking to these boys. 

They apparently don't need to be told twice, they release me, allowing me to crumple to the floor as they bolt away in the opposite direction. I feel dazed after everything that happened, but looking down at the ground, I can't help but feel despair swelling in my throat. Among the content of my bag was a picture of me and my parents, they're smiling and happy, and so was I. That was our last photo together before the fighting started again.

I reach out and grab the crumpled photograph, gently bringing it up so I could cradle it. I glance at the stranger as he steps closer before kneeling down. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't for him to begin collecting my belongings and putting them back into my bag. 

I can tell he has his suspicions upon viewing my dirty clothing, the toothpaste and toothbrush, as well as the bits of old food wrapped up for later. He finishes zipping up the bag before gently placing it in front of me.

"Wo ist deine Mutter? Dein Vater (Where is your mother? Your father)?" He questions with a concerned tone, I glance into his eyes before quickly looking away. He's very intimidating, even when he's being so nice.

"Weg (Gone)." I reply solemnly. My parents may not be dead, but I don't plan on ever going back, they're better off without me.

"Nun, wer ist für Sie zuständig (Well, who is responsible for you)?" He asks again, hoping that someone is out there looking after me. I sadly, can't give him that answer, it would be wrong to lie to the man who saved me.

"Nur ich (Only me)." I respond, avoiding eye contact at all costs. I'm terrified, what if he turns me into the authorities, or puts me in an orphanage? Or worse, what if he takes me back to New York! 

"Nur Sie? Hier draußen (Just you? Out here)?" He sounds shocked, his eyebrows scrunch up in worry, a distant look appearing in his eyes. He tilts his head in thought, of what, I'm unsure. He stands abruptly, and I'm sure he's going to leave, allow me to be alone again; but I'm the shocked one now when I notice his outstretched his hand.

I analyze it for a few seconds, wondering whether I should accept it, what happens if I do accept it? Is this a mere action of kindness before leaving me, or will this lead to more actions occurring? So many questions in my head silenced when I reach out and place my hand in his, allowing his firm grip to pull me off the floor. 

My legs are still regaining their senses, but he supports me as I try to remember how to stand. I look down at my legs and notice the scrapes and cuts along them, mostly localized around my knees as they are what I fell on during my tumble. I shift my gaze up to my hands, they are so small against his,  knuckles scraped and bleeding from sliding against the ground.

I tilt my head at them, so many injuries in such a short span of time, how will I fix them? I don't have any bandages on me, and I certainly can't afford to buy any.

"Komm, ich bringe das in Ordnung (Come on, I'll fix it)." I just nod my head, who am I to rebuke against his orders, especially after how he's treated me?

"Wie ist Ihr Name (What is your name)?" My words are slow as I try to remember what to say, I am doing better at understanding what is being said, but have trouble speaking the language. I can see the man raise an eyebrow, I almost think he won't answer me.

" Simon. Und du (Simon. And you)?" He states, walking with me through the town market, grasping my hand tighter when he notices the group of boys that had been terrorizing me cross the street.

"Y/N." I respond quietly, it's almost a whisper. It's been so long since I've spoken, let alone this much; I haven't said my name once during my stay here, so it's a strange feeling.

_______

After that day, Simon took me in, cleaned my wounds and bandaged them, gave me a hot meal to eat, and a room to rest in.

He unofficially adopted me after a year, explaining to me that I'm like a daughter to him, and that he want me to see him as my father. He didn't have to ask though, I've seen him as my father since the day we first met.

The first months were hard if I'm being honest, I had no idea how to act around a father figure, especially not after what happened with my actual dad. I was a lot more skittish, scared of maintaining eye contact, terrified by the slightest raise in his voice. Those behaviors began to melt away when I realized he wouldn't push me away, that he actually invited my company and tried to do things that I enjoyed - such as painting with me, or taking me into nature so I could write poems in the serene environment.

He asked me quite early on who my parents were and what happened. I was afraid that if he knew they were alive, that he would send me back to them; but I never was able to lie to him. I told him the truth about my parents, who they were, why I ran away, etc. He talked to me about it, and actually explained to me the dark history between his brother and my father.

He was empathetic towards me, explaining that he had similar feelings of displacement when he was staying with his family; it felt good having someone that could relate to me. He would reassure me during times of self-hatred, comforting me, stating that I was never the problem, that my parents should've never made me feel that way. He promised me that he will never allow them to treat me like that again.

The adoption was a quiet affair, he had documents for me falsified so that it stated I was a German citizen that he adopted out of the orphanage.

Yes, I know they were falsified, and I know all about his side of business; he told me the night beforehand what type of person he was, as well as the types of jobs he does. I'll admit, he caught me off guard since he's quite amiable, but I suppose everyone has sides that no one understands.

Some of his close friends that he works with were there to witness my adoption, they were polite and friendly as well. I had never felt more accepted in my life than I did when I was with Simo–my father, and I don't plan on ever letting go of this feeling. 

[sibyl-of-space]

This Tuesday I went back up to SF to attend a game dev networking Thing, and I also used the chance to visit some friends in the area and had some nice conversations with people. It's a pain in the ass to get there on public transit from where I am now but it was definitely a really fun trip and I'm really glad I went.

The event itself was nice - it was technically hosting some talks, but for about an hour and a half before the talks the space was open to meet other devs and share demos and such. Two people asked to check out the Amadeus demo and I got to a) show them the progress from the current published demo to the unpublished version I'm working on, and b) watch someone play it in person to remind myself of what a totally unbiased audience's first reaction is to it and its controls. It reminded me that while I've been revamping the point-and-click controls significantly, I need to make sure WASD is polished as well because many people prefer that scheme.

Anyway then I dipped when the talks started because I don't particularly find talks useful because I know what works for me and I don't listen to advice from people I don't know (and even sometimes from people I do know). Glad I went just for the schmoozing, though.

Spent the night with a friend who has worked in gamedev for ~8ish years now, and he is an incredibly valuable resource because he is REALLY good at giving advice/helpful feedback that recognizes "best practices" for him as someone working on a AAA team, and "best practices" for me as a solo dev of a visual novel, are completely different things. He is able to identify what values are actually worth me caring about at this point, and he also pointed out (I've very much given up on the industry completely) that once I make my own game, once I actually ship Amadeus on Steam, there are a lot of industry doors that will be open to me that aren't open yet. Many positions don't even look at you unless you've shipped a game on a major platform. So it was kind of good to hear that while I'm making this 10000% just for me on my terms, it actually could open doors much later down the line if I ever want it to.

Then I met with the professor who taught the course that got me on this path in the first place, by helping me recognize that I don't have to just be an audio person I CAN ACTUALLY BUILD THE GAME MYSELF. My final project for his class was the absolute shittiest jankiest prototype for what eventually became the Amadeus demo-- that class was HUGE for me. And my professor has given me a lot of great advice and help in Unity since then.

This meeting was interesting because I think it signified to me that, while he was the #1 most invaluable resource for me getting started in game dev, I think I've reached a point where I know what my goals are and I have the foundation to reach them, and I have somewhat found my niche and it's decidedly different from his. He definitely tried to give me advice about trying to navigate the current dumpster fire industry from the perspective of "someone who started a small studio and has done the pitching-to-publishers song and dance before" but, while he knows a LOT about the niche his own studio filled, I don't think he is equipped to understand whether the market for "4x3 SD visual novel directly inspired by a Japanese game from 2006 with a cult following" is a thing that exists. I kind of feel for him because his indie studio really tried to do everything "right" but he's having to dissolve it because the money is out and last year sucked ass. But that's exactly why I'm kind of ignoring his advice, because for me making Amadeus, it is literally not remotely about the money. I want to make this because I have a vision for a work of art that I want to bring into this world. If it never sells more than 10 copies, I'll be a bit disappointed, but I'll still consider the life I have lived as more fulfilling having made it. That's what's important to me.

I WILL burn out if I focus too hard about trying to make Amadeus into anything marketable and need it to sell X copies to be "worth it." If I continue as I have, "funding" Amadeus just by doing everything myself, creating a story I'm in love with and finishing it so I can share it with the world, then I am certain that I will finish.

It's been hard to maintain that laser focus in a world where it seems everyone wants to give me advice about how to monetize or make a career, but I KNOW that laser focus is NECESSARY to finish. I CANNOT care about the money if I want to make Amadeus what I want it to be. This game is so deeply personal to me in so many ways that I need it to be completely mine. If anything comes of it, if it sells any amount to any number of people beyond my circle of friends, it will be BECAUSE I made something incredibly authentic to my own vision and THAT is what appealed to people.

Anyway, after that conversation I met with a friend from music school, which was really wonderful because they were just excited about me making a project I'm excited about. We talked about art and passion projects and making silly things for fun. It was just nice to see them again, too.

I am extremely glad that I went, and now that I am back, I have a renewed vigor to finish Amadeus as I'd already planned on doing. Nothing is changed but everything is changed. I am bringing this game into the world and it's going to rule so hard.

[sobeautifullyobsessed]

Day Two: matters of perspective

So, I spent my first night without shelter in the breakroom at work. Not the best of experiences, but at least I had access to a bathroom. The third shift people were perplexed, as they are used to seeing me in the mornings, just when they are leaving. I was quietly honest when they asked what I was doing there. Most of the time I had the room to myself, because they take their breaks and mealtimes all together. One was even nice enough to turn off the tv when she saw that I was trying to sleep. I managed about three hours total (and dozed a bit in my parked car this morning).

Somehow, I fell asleep during the middle of their hour lunch (2am), feet flat on the floor (which isn't the best, because they are now pretty swollen), and then was very surprised to wake up shortly before 5am. Have to wonder if I snored at all in the interim. I woke up because it had gotten loud all around me, and I figured it was their second 15-minute break. Kept my eyes closed, being in that half drowsy state, but from listening to the conversations around me, I realized that someone had a heart attack or stroke just minutes before. A gentleman in his 50's had simply collapsed on his way to the breakroom, and while someone was trying to administer cpr, they weren't doing it correctly and the unfortunate man remained oxygen deprived. It took 15+ minutes for the ambulance to arrive, and they shocked him back to 'life' a couple of times, but he didn't survive, dying at the hospital. Everyone was in shock, but this is Hellmart, so it didn't take too long until folks were back to work as usual. I imagine those close at hand when it happened must be dealing with some heavy emotions today.

Obviously, such a happening puts things into sharp perspective. Imagine kissing your spouse goodbye when you leave home for your shift, never to return. It reminds me how badly I want to get out of that place; I've seen about a dozen coworkers pass over the years, and somehow it feels even worse for the ones whose last hours on earth were spent there. Most of them were what we all would consider much too young to die so soon. And honestly, though it's not a coincidence that I was there (for the universe wouldn't give a fig about that), I can't help but feel uneasy that I was in the building at all at that time and on a day I wasn't even scheduled to work.

I think I'd like to ask for your prayers more than ever this evening. I'm already so exhausted and while I'll try again to sleep tonight, I have to work come 7am, and that's sure to be a challenge.

PS someone very kindly sent me a Ko-fi donation, which is a tremendous help as I've been restricting my diet, trying to stretch out my few remaining dollars. I just had a grilled cheese at Dunkin' Donuts, and though the kid behind the counter didn't bother to grill it (microwaved it instead) it tasted fantastic, and I wolfed it down more quickly than I meant to. Another true matter of perspective--food tastes so much better when you've got an empty belly! I'll not be fogetting this lesson anytime soon.

[bonesandthebees]

Opens door gently this time

Soooo i went to reread the last two chapters of stars but then i kept seeing a reference to the previous chapter and next thing you know I've scrolled to chapter 20 😭

Anyways long story short i binged chapters 20-28 of stars today LMFAOOO

I cant believe so much shit happens with no break like huhhh, i thought it was 2 chapters of intenseness but nope 😭 those poor boys really did not get a break till the absolute end ohmygod

I ended up screaming in a lot of the ask i was gonna send so ima just cut it down to the legible parts lmfao 😭

The sum up of the screaming is pre much just: stars sandduo holyshit i love them so much

Every time there was a sandduo scene i felt like my chest was going to explode omg 😭😭😭 i gen forgot how to breathe shdkgkfjdkfjf they just ooohhhhh its just such a good dynamic, also damnnn brooo reading the phil pov today really showed just how similar they are together, the both of them were in such denial over being father son lmfao 😭

BROOO PHIL LEGIT TELLS HIM THAT HIS NICKNAME IS SMTH ELYTRIANS CALL THEIR CHILDREN AND MANS WAS STILL LIKE "nope ✋️" im cryinggg hahahaha

Also brooooo stars crimeboys are So Brothers i cant they make me Sick

Like out of all the crimeboys in ur fics, idk man u just,, did such a good job?? At making them seem like biological brothers. Cause i love found family crimeboys, but that type of brothers is a diff vibe from biological siblings, and you did such a good job at capturing it. I remember reading the first chapter of stars and getting smack cammed by the sheer Brotherness they gave off. They really reminded me of me and my sister (we r also half siblings!! It's cool seeing half sibling rep) eueueueu :( /pos

ALSO I love how you write Techno so much, in all of your fics, you always capture the intimidating aura plus the genuine softer personality and his humour, it's so lovely i love him, holds stars!techno softly, hes sooo skrunkly

I like seeing the parallels between stars and glass, especially the power that names hold in both fics, it's so cool. All of ur fics are so neat

Godddd the crimeboys reconciliation scene is one of my favourite scenes in any fanfiction ever ohkygod my heart hurt so much reading it it was so good holyshit

Im still also not over how Phil was proud when Wilbur one upped him, mans just got destroyed and he was just like "omg thats my son!!! Right there!!!" Im cryingggg i love sandduo so much

I am feeling so emotionally drained (/pos) after all of that tho 😭😭 i just went through all five stages of grief like 8 different times lmfaooo

Im gonna cope by writing my own sandduo (is this healthy? Probably not but who cares, sandduo 4 life ☝️)

rn my mental image is that with your first ask you slammed the door open and screamed and now you're just gently opening it and peeking your head in and it's very funny to me

damnn binging 20-28 in a single day that's so much

literally so much happened towards the end of stars. basically I had a ton of things building up to the crimeboys fight, and once that happened everything was falling down a mountain from there. they literally got next to no breaks.

phil and wilbur are soooo similar it's so funny. like there was a reason everyone around them was like "damn you really are like phil" to wilbur 😭

man that makes me so happy to hear that I did a good job with the bio sibling rep. writing crimeboys as biological brothers is definitely a slightly different vibe from the found family brothers. I don't know how to explain it, but it definitely feels different for me to write. thankfully it's not something I have to think about much. it's a natural shift that's easy to switch to (which is a bit ironic considering I myself am an only child lmao)

aaa ty for the compliments about how I write techno!! out of sbi techno has always been the one whose characterization i struggle with the most. I've definitely gotten more comfortable writing him over the years, but back when I was writing clinic i was SO stressed writing that one on one scene with him and tommy. I think one of the biggest issues I have with the way a lot of people characterize him is how they forget his humor. techno is funny, and will crack jokes even at inappropriate moments. obviously I have to keep the tone of a story in mind which is why techno isn't cracking very many jokes in stars, but he still has his moments of levity which i think are really important to him as a character.

can you tell I have a Thing for names and the roles they can play with vulnerability and trust. I just love exploring that concept man idk why

phil being proud of wilbur using his Voice on him was one of the earliest planned things about stars I had. sooooo satisfying to write oh my god

tysm for all the kind words though I'm so glad you enjoyed your reread!! have fun with your own sandduo :)

[weepingseraphstranger]

Nothing good comes out of my birthday.

I'm grateful of the presents, yes, but I don't really care about them anymore. Nothing goes right on my birthdays. Ever since I could remember, they were always lackluster. The first few birthdays I remember were shared with my little brother. No kid wants to share their birthday with someone who wasn't born on the same day. I get it, they wanted to save money. Still sucked.

Again, presents are cool and I'm grateful to get any, but they can't help the utter exhaustion I feel on my birthday. I just want to be alone. Completely alone on that day and I can't do that. I never got that since I have a big family because my dad couldn't be bothered to put his dick down and got custody of some of the kids he made out of wedlock alongside my and my full siblings. It's always so loud and I'm constantly reminded that I'm stuck another year with boys who can't stand having the slightest bit of empathy and act like they're middle school boys when half of them are 18 now. And another year with a mom who can't listen or open up and understand emotionally or just doesn't care. And a sister who I've been stuck living in the same room with since I was probably a year old. Who is always building houses out of air and doesn't return the same listening ear I always give her. Who always needs to be in control and in charge of everything. Who thinks she's the failure despite the fact she has a degree, had a steady job and kept us from going homeless a few times when I'm in front of her struggling to get into college because I never took the SAT/ACT and was home schooled in the important years of school (high school) and can't get a job because I'm too anxious. Like what? And another year in a place I loathe but can't find myself free from because I'm too much of a coward to pick myself up by my big boy pants, get over my fears and aversion to social interaction and contribute to society.

I wasn't supposed to live to 21. I didn't want to but I'm too afraid of the pain that comes with dying. Not dying itself but the pain. That, honestly, isn't worse than the emotional pain of existing in this world. So yes, I want to be alone. And I want to do nothing but have cake and ice cream on my birthday (forgoing the birthday song and candles) because any plans NEVER come to fruition.

Over the recent years I was supposed to have some stupid tea party. I was excited for it. Couldn't do that. For two years. Then I wanted to go to the cat cafe. Couldn't do that. She really had me thinking we would. And then I wanted nothing but cake. A cake. Couldn't. Get. That. The most simple thing everyone who follows this silly western tradition gets. Even if it was the cheapest one. Even just a piece of cake. Even just those cheap sugary cupcakes. Even boxed cake mix and frosting. Nah. That was the only constant thing in my unstable life, especially on my birthday: cake.

And then things were looking brighter this year. She wanted to take me to the Edison for my 21st. Was talking about it last year going into this year! I didn't have much hope. Did I think it would be great? Finally, another opportunity to get away from most of the people in my life for my birthday! Oh boy! No. I was met with "Are you sure you want to go to the Edison?". I knew again—disappointment (really, what I shouldn't be feeling because I already knew what was going to happen). Not going there. I don't want to go when my grandma visits because my grandmother is...she doesn't pass my vibe check. She's like my mother but turned to 100. But then it's "we can go in the fall when it's less touristy or when we have a car with ac". Babes, just don't bother. No plans come to fruition around this shitty place (For real, not just with celebrations like these. Even with things like helping us try to get better in life. Try to help us get GEDs, help us get our licenses, help us get to and from work or interviews, appointments—things that would help her in the long run and get us out of the house faster). Something always comes up. Something is always missing. Something is always needed. But my sister gets to do whatever. My brother who has his quickly after mine gets whatever he wants. My other brother gets whatever. And she gets to be away from them on hers.

I suggested maybe she take everyone else to the zoo or something so I can at least be alone this birthday like I wanted. Nah, she doesn't like the rest of them enough to be with them the entire day. Then I asked her to go somewhere with my sister that day so I could have a silent room. No.

Anyways, I'll have cake and ice cream the day after my birthday but lol I sincerely doubt it. The same thing was said last year. Damn, my birthdays are all just repeats of each other.

Also, my birthday falls within the week I begin getting really bad before my period so that is wonderful.