#i've got a couple things i wanted to get myself but haven't really settled on anything lol

[sheyshen]

i might’ve ordered thancred’s gunblade as an early birthday gift to myself....

[ahgasegotarmy116]

Seven Days to Fall Again | Friday | Jeon Jungkook

Inspired by the MV "Seven" by Jung Kook ft. Latto (obvi lol) Summary:Caught in the rain, trying to get to you. You tried to go out to clear your head but he wants to make sure you know he's always looking out for you. Pairing: Reader x Jungkook (almost exes to lovers lol) Word Count: 4.3k (longest chapter so far lol) Warnings: Smut (too lazy to add specifics lol), Explicit language that's it lol a/n: Hey guys so uh...got a little carried away with this one but I said this a little while ago but Friday really didn't have much of a plot in the mv so I kinda just went with whatever felt right. I hope you like it! Let me know what you think! p.s. barely edited and written in one sitting but I figured I might as well post it lol Start from the beginning

I'm going out tonight, nothing major or anything I just wanted to go out so I can get him off my mind even if it's only for a few hours.

Walking into the restaurant I'm greeted with a big group of my colleagues and I slide in next to one of the girls while I greet everyone. A couple of minutes later we all settle back into our own separate conversations with one of the many not so comfortable ones about to start. 

"You look like shit" Kayla whispers to me. She's my best friend so I'm used to her being this honest but it still comes as a surprise sometimes. "Thanks Kay" I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes at her before taking a sip of water. 

"No but for real what's wrong? You've been ignoring me for the past few days and then suddenly you're inviting everyone out like nothings happened?" she questions, knowing that something's up. "What's wrong with inviting people out? I'm sorry I haven't been answering you, I've have a busy couple of days" I say, not necessarily lying but knowing that I had the time to respond to her if I wanted to. 

I decided to just take what I had hoped for was a step back for a second to just do me but then I ended up dealing with Jungkook chasing me around instead so everything else just seemed like it was too much. "Whatever" Kayla says taking a sip of her beer, knowing I'm lying but deciding not to push it. If it were just the two of us I know she would shake me until I spit it out but she knows better than to do that in front of everyone. 

"So y/n, how are things going? We thought that Jungkook would've come with you" one of the girls at the other end of the table says with her boyfriend right next to her nodding in agreement. "Oh he had to work late" I say giving a simple excuse hoping they'll drop it and luckily they do. Before we're able to move on though my eyes widen in horror as I see the devil himself walking into the restaurant and look around until he spots me, giving me a soft smile with an unreadable expression. 

"Hey guys" Jungkook says awkwardly but comes up to sit next to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek to make things seem normal, being able to tell from my body language alone that I haven't told anyone about the breakup yet. 

"Hi Noona" he whispers in my ear making me shiver. I scold myself for letting my body betray me but I can't really do much to change it anymore. I pull away from him and take another drink of water trying to cover up things but I can tell from the slight smile on his face he know he's still got a hold on me. 

"Oh Jungkook! Y/n was just saying how you couldn't come because you were working late" the same girl asks, curious for an explanation. I know she means well but this girl just doesn't know when to quit. "Oh I wanted to surprise her" he says draping his arm around the back of my chair. It's luckily an answer that satisfies all of them and the conversation switches to another topic soon after. 

"What are you doing here?" I turn and whisper to him, making sure the people around us definitely won't hear. "I went by the apartment and I saw that you weren't there and I got worried. You still share your location with me so I wanted to come and make sure you were okay" he says placing his hand on my thigh as a way to show his sincerity and also play the part of still being a happy couple. 

"Well as you can see I'm fine so you can leave now" I say and pull back giving him a pointed look but before he can respond another person from the group speaks up. "What are you two love birds talking about over there?" one of the guys teases. "Wouldn't you like to know" Jungkook says with a smug smile taking the burden of having to come up with an excuse off of me.

"How have things been with you guys though? It's been a while since either of you have been out with us?" another girl asks. When did tonight become a ask y/n and Jungkook 20 questions? Why can't we just drink and eat and talk about anything but us, even though there's not really an 'us' right now. 

"Things have been good, yeah we're- oh look the food is here!" I start but I'm thankfully given an excuse to turn the topic to something else as the waiters place all of the various side dishes in front of us as well as the raw meat to grill with everyone's minds are now focused on getting everything ready to eat. 

Jungkook gets a piece of meat off the grill and adds it to his ssam and I go to do the same but as soon as I'm putting the finishing touches on mine Jungkook holds his out and offers it to me. "Open" he says, urging me to let him feed me and I give him a dead pan expression, annoyed that he would even go this far. 

I look around the table and see the others taking little glances at us and commenting on how cute we are and so I turn my eyes back over to him and open my mouth for him to put in and he does so happily, watching attentively and making sure I don't choke on anything. 

Once I've chewed a bit I continue filling the one I was working on and instead overfill it and hold it out for Jungkook to eat. He looks down at it, intimidated by the size but once I cock a brow at him he opens his mouth receiving it and the next second I shove it into his mouth, leaving him coughing and struggling to get it down. 

"Is he okay?" one of the guys asks me. "Oh yeah he's fine don't worry about it. Aren't you honey?" I say, daring him to say otherwise and he simply holds up an 'okay' sign with his hand as he coughs and tries his best to chew and swallow everything down which annoyingly he's able to do. 

"How did that taste love?" I whisper to him with a sickeningly sweet smile, payback for him showing up here even though he knew I wouldn't want him here. "Was that really necessary?" he questions after taking a few gulps of water. "Was you coming here really necessary? I told you to leave me alone" I whisper to him and at this point I sound like a broken record. 

"I want to talk to you though" he responds doing just the same. "And until you let me I'm just gonna keep showing up and bothering you until you give me a chance to do so" he says, finally admitting to his nonsense tactic to getting his way, clearly making his younger age show. I stand up abruptly, and decide that I have given up on keeping up appearances and make moves to leave. 

"Sorry guys I'm not feeling well so I think I'm gonna get going" I say and open my purse and hand Kayla twenty dollars to cover my part of the bill. "You okay?" she asks and I say yes but she can clearly see that I'm not. "I'll be fine guys don't worry I'm just gonna head home and get some rest" I say and when I start to walk away Jungkook follows after also following suit to give Kayla more than enough to cover for us. 

"You can stay here and have fun with them" I says sweetly, putting up an act for them but using it as a threat to him. "No it's okay Jungkook go help take care of her we'll see you guys next time" one of them says but before I'm able to disagree Jungkook jumps in. "Thanks for everything guys" he responds before ushering the both of us towards the exit. 

Before we step outside the door though we finally notice it's started to rain, and not just rain but a full on downpour. "When did it start raining?" I ask looking at the world outside as it looks a though it had been raining for ages already. "It looked kind of cloudy when I came in but it wasn't raining yet" he says, just as shocked by the sight. 

"Lemme call us a cab" he says and pulls out his phone to do so. "No I can get one myself" I say and take a deep breath before walking out, no rain jacket, no umbrella, nothing. I just need to get away from here and away from him as soon as possible. "Y/n where are you going?" he says and runs after me and before I'm even able to try and hail a cab I can clearly see that there are none in sight. 

"Just come back inside and we can wait for one and if you want we can even take separate cabs" he offers trying to meet me halfway. "No, I don't need your help" I say and blindly start walking away, hoping he will just go back inside and leave me alone "Noona wait it's too dangerous!" he calls after me but I don't even bother looking back. 

"You know you're going the wrong way right?" he yells, hoping to get me to turn around and let him help me. "I don't care" I yell back and start walking faster. "Where are you going?" he yells, making sure to still stay close. "Away from you" I say and keep going on my journey to no where. 

"Just let me help you get home okay, please" he begs but I don't budge, I'm gonna keep walking until he gets tired and finally leaves me alone. "You know I'm not letting you walk these streets all by yourself right? As long as you're out here I'm staying with you" he say, seeing right through me but I keep walking anyway.

~~~~~~ 

I keep walking and walking until we've come to that same bookshop I had been in just yesterday, finally taking notice of just how far I've walked. I finally stop and catch my breath for a second, trying to figure out what the hell kind of point I'm trying to prove here but I can't come up with one that is big enough to do something ridiculous like this. 

He catches up to me a few seconds later and just stands beside me, not trying to get closer and not bothering to say anything since he knows it would probably just make me even more angry. 

We stand there for a second and I look up at the sky, taking a deep breath before looking back over at him where he's just standing there and looking at the wet ground around me, not making eye contact with me either, just making sure that I know that he's going to be right here standing next to me no matter what I say. 

I take another deep breath and swallow my pride before holding my hand out for him to take. He shifts his weight away from me and just stares at it for a second, trying to figure out what caused a change in heart that I would not only stop but ask for him to grab my hand. 

"So you gonna take it or not?" I ask getting irritated that he's taking too long to make up his mind and at that he reaches his hand out quickly and places it in mine before looking back up at me with a questioning gaze. Instead of responding I just tug on his hand and turn us both around to walk back the way we just came and start heading back home.

~~~~ 

Once we get to the door I immediately grab my keys and open up, letting the both of us inside. "Fuck I'm freezing" I say taking off my shoes and stripping off my sweater, forgetting the tiny tank top I'm wearing without a bra and I don't even notice until I turn back around and see that he's staring at my chest, nipples cold and hard and when he he notices I'm staring at him he looks up at me with an intensity I haven't seen in a while. 

I look at him, drinking in his figure as well seeing how soaked his white t-shirt is and how his pants are clinging to his thighs. I gulp and look back up at his face where his eyes have gotten even darker from observing how I was checking him out as well. 

He takes a few steps towards me and I stumble back against a wall and am forced to watch as he takes a few steps closer until he's looking right down at me. He takes his hand and reaches for the one he had been holding before and then brings it up to his lips giving it a kiss. 

"Why did you let me in?" he questions, his voice deeper and a bit strained from breathing in the cold air from the journey here. "I-i don't know" I whisper and my eyes flick down to his lips unconsciously and he takes that as a sign to keep going. 

He places his other hand on my cheek and I flinch a bit at how cold it is but lean into it a few seconds later, welcoming the fluttering feeling it stirs my my stomach. He leans down and rests his forehead against mine causing me to close my eyes, feeling like I'm burning under his intense gaze. 

"What are you doing to me?" he whispers and all I can do is try not to whimper in response. He tilts my chin up and brings his face closer and rubs his nose up against mine making me feel breathless at the slightest sign of intimacy no matter how small and I find myself unconsciously wrapping my arms around his neck. He in turn leans in and closes the distance between us, kissing me softly but still coaxing a whimper out of me, missing the feeling off being wanted by him. 

He moulds his lips against mine and brushes his tongue along my bottom lip and I open my mouth at the feeling, letting him use his tongue to explore my mouth, making butterflies fly in my stomach and leaving me moaning softly as I welcome him in. 

I take my hands off of his shoulders and feel for his jacket and start to push it off of him which he obliges and I reach for his shirt and push it up to help him take it off and he parts from my lips only for a second to slip it over his head. I touch his bare skin and even though we were so wet and cold his skin has already started to heat up leaving me not being able to take my hands off of him.

My hands travel up and down his abs and pecks that have both gotten more defined since the last I had seen them and before I'm able to think about it any more he trails his hands down my hips and  continues to trail them down and grabs the inside of my thighs before he breaks apart our lips again telling me to jump and I do immediately, kissing him as he walks us both back to the bedroom. 

Once we get there he helps me out of my tank top and traces his hands along my bare back while pressing me closer into him our chest now flush against each other while it almost feels like he's trying to hold me even closer, not letting go and devouring my mouth until he trails his hands along my curves and fiddles with the button of my pants and waits for me to say something before actually taking them off. 

Still kissing me I part for a second and utter a hurried 'yes' before he's unzipping them and taking everything off leaving me completely bare and I help him get out of the rest of his clothes right after. 

We both fall onto the bed together and never stop kissing and I part my legs for him to lay between. He runs a finger along my slit making me whimper against his lips as he teases my clit and then circles it around my entrance and then slowly slips a finger in making me let out a restrained moan, being sensitive from not having been touched by him for so long. 

"Shit" he says feeling how tight I am just from putting in one finger and working it in and out of me, coaxing me to stretch out for him. "Jungkook" I whimper when he adds another digit and he swears again at how much I'm clenching around them. "Relax baby" he whispers rubbing his thumb against my clit in circles to help me calm down and open up enough so he can slip another finger in. 

"I haven't fucked you properly in a while huh?" he says between kisses, curling his fingers up inside of me making a breathy moan spill past my lips as I squeeze my eyes shut. "I don't know if this tiny cunt can even take me anymore. Do you think it can?" he asks rubbing his nose up against mine while he curls his fingers inside me again.

I nod my head but he's not satisfied, "Words Noona. Do you think this pretty little cunt can take me again?" he pushes and rubs his thumb around my clit again while thrusting his fingers inside of me. "Yes" I moan out and he luckily decides not to tease any longer. 

"That's a good girl" he says before taking his fingers out of me and placing them in his mouth, savoring my taste before he leans down and kisses me again "Almost forgot how sweet you taste" he says and before I'm able to even think about responding he pushes the tip inside making me let out a breathy moan. 

"Fuck I missed this" he says pushing in a bit more, giving me time to adjust before going in further. "Jungkook" I whimper, not being able to focus on anything but the sensation of feeling him bare and going deeper and deeper. "I know baby, I know" he says pushing in more while placing a kiss on my temple before bottoming out. 

"Looks like this pretty cunt is greedy isn't she?" he says while rubbing my clit, helping me get used to him. He rests his forehead against mine and lets labored breaths in and out, relishing in the feeling of my walls clenching around him. I nod my head and he takes it as a sign to move and he pulls out half way before pushing all the way in, setting a more gentle, sensual pace that leaves my brain fogging up with thoughts of only him. 

He pulls out all the way and presses back into me inch by inch, savoring how my walls are sucking him in. "Please, faster" I say, throwing my head back on the pillow, dying from the slow building feeling of my orgasm, wanting to be granted release sooner. "Patience Noona" he taunts and he presses back in but pulls out and gives me a shallow hard thrust leaving my back arching up into him. 

He quickens his pace and starts kissing on my neck, leaving marks in his wake and soon thrusting into me harder while I let out restrained moans. "No Noona let me hear you, I wanna hear you scream my name" he growls and starts thrusting into me at an animalistic pace. "Fuck Jungkook" I moan, starting to get closer to my release.

"What is it pretty?" he says slowing down the pace, leaving me whining at the feeling of my high coming down again. "No" I say throwing my head back into the pillows, hating that he robbed me of it. "No what? I just gave you a chance to tell me what you wanted, I couldn't hear you over all of your moaning" and he punctuates his sentence with a sharp thrust earning him a choked moan coming out of me and feeling me squeeze around him. 

"Does Noona wanna cum?" he taunts, giving me another sharp thrust. "Jungkook please" I beg, pulling him closer to kiss him but he stops before our lips touch. "I don't know what you want me to do unless you tell me" he says, lips brushing against mine but not close enough to kiss. 

"I wanna cum, please" I breathe out and at that I see a mischievous glint flash in his eyes before he kisses me and pounds into me harder than he had before and swallowing all of my moans of pleasure. 

"You close?" he questions after a while, already being able to feel the answer but making me say it nonetheless. "Shit y-yes so close k-keep going" I stutter, about to tip over the edge and seconds later it all comes crashing down, leaving me arching into him and dragging my nails along his back and he groans at the feeling and cums seconds after that, fucking us both through our highs. 

Once he's emptied out he keeps on thrusting until I whine from over stimulation and kisses me while he pulls out, me hating the feeling of being empty again. He lays down on top of me for a second as we both catch our breaths but soon rolls off and lays next to me while we both take a second to slow down our breathing. 

Without a word he sits up and walks over to my side and scoops me up in his arms. "What are you doing?" I ask throwing my arms around his neck. "You need to go to the bathroom and then we need to clean up he says, making decisions for what I need to do before giving me an option like always but I decide not to mention it this time, staying silent and waiting for him to put me down. 

He sets me down on my feet and turns around to turn on the shower and walks out into the hallway to get us both towels, giving me a bit of privacy to do my business before coming back in. When he comes back he opens the shower door for me and lets me walk in, holding on to make sure I don't fall before coming in after me.                         

We both stand there in the shower getting warm under the water as the doors and mirrors get fogged up in turn. 

Neither of us talks for a while until he puts some body wash in his hands and lathers it up before rubbing it onto my back and shoulders, talking his time to wash me from head to toe, cleaning and massaging all of me to make sure to loosen me up so I won't get sore. 

He's does this every time we have sex, or had sex since it's been a while and I welcome it, hating and loving the feeling. Feeling guilty about letting him take care of me like this when all I've done is push him away. 

As he finishes up he takes my shampoo and conditioner and washes my hair as well before rinsing everything off of me and switching places with me gently so he's in the direct stream of water so he can wash himself as well.

While he has his arms up and is scrubbing his scalp I wrap my arms around him from behind and rest my cheek against his back. "This was a mistake" I mumble and at that he freezes before hurrying to rinse the shampoo out of his hair so it doesn't get in either of our eyes. 

"Is that how you truly feel?" he asks, sounding disheartened but knowing that something like this was going to happen if I still wanted to push him away. "Yeah. Well, I don't know" I say, being honest with honestly not knowing how I feel. 

He turns around to face me and looks down while cupping my face in both of his hands. "Do you want me to leave?" he asks, his eyes going back and forth between mine searching my face for answers and finding the one that says I want him to leave and he utters an silent okay before I even have a chance to say anything.

He opens the shower door and closes it behind him, taking one of the towels and drying off his hair quickly before wrapping it around his waist and walking out of the bathroom. I let out a pained sigh and feel a rush of emotions flood my system with senses of doubt in all of my dealings with this.

'Do I want him to go? Do I want him to stay? Do I want to be with him? Do I want to break up?' those as well as many more are the questions that go round and round in my head without answers. 

The thing that breaks me out of that circular train of thought though is the sound of the front door closing behind him as he walks out and the next is the sound of my sobs as I hit the floor, finally let my heart break.  

Thursday / Saturday Series Masterlist

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[theinstagrahame]

One of the best things about Crowdfunding is, stuff arrives even when you're cutting way back on spending. A *ton* of stuff arrived in the last month and a bit. Got a bunch of really neat projects in, and it's time to get hype about it!

Why these games rule, under the cut

The Revenant Society: Banana Chan is one of those names that immediately catches my attention when she's on a project. Actually, looking at the list again, the team for this game was stacked, it was a real All-Star Cast. But like, even without the powerhouse designers on the case, this just gets all the things I want in a game: Time loops, murder mysteries, trapped on the Underground. A PbtA game where you solve your own murder is, y'know, a pitch that'll attract my attention.

Hellwhalers: I saw this game coming up through design phases in the Plus One Exp Discord, and it sounded incredible. Using tokens and an old ship betting game, you're part of a whaling crew chasing Moby Dick into actual hell. Maybe Ahab wasn't crazy after all, and maybe we won't survive.

Xenolanguage: I might own everything Thorny Games makes now, because they make games about language. Folks who may not know me might not know that I *love* linquistics. Honestly, if I could repeat college, I'd put more of my time into Linguistics. But due to the linear nature of time, I'll settle for playing games about decoding alien language in a first contact situation. Sorta like that movie Contact. Which, I loved.

Mothership and Desert Moons of Karth: I read through the original version of Mothership a couple of years ago, and it's one I wanted to get more into. When I saw that there was a chance to pick up the full 1e boxset on KS, I jumped. I've also seen tons of people talk about Karth as a really awesome sandbox module for the system, so when I had a little cash on DTRPG from selling books, it was an easy pickup.

Inscrutable Cities: Possum Creek Games told me to back this, so I did (this is a joke, but I do love PCG a whole lot). In reality, I saw Inscrutable Cities on Itch a while ago, and the pitch grabbed me. I love reading solo journaling games (I still haven't found a way I like to play them, if I'm completely honest, but they're really neat reads). Walking through an impossible city is something I'd love to do, so, I have the book for it now.

Reap: Spencer Cambell makes bangers, and bangers only. I'm not *not* on a mission to collect all of his work, but Necromancers? Solo tactical board games, built on Rune? Sure. I'm in.

Luna: Spencer Campbell makes bangers, and bangers only. I also picked up another of his books this month. The Nova universe? Moon cultists trying to destroy the sun? Sure, I'm in.

3 Moonlight on Roseville Beach zines: I played Moonlight on Roseville Beach on my now-defunct podcast, and it's a game that I honestly think about a lot. The dice system was complicated, but in a really neat way that gave the players a ton of really interesting decisions with every roll. What part of my action succeeds? What kinds of complications am I opening myself to?

Anyway, R. Rook put together some characters, mysteries, and monsters for the game, and I really wanted to explore more.

Hiria, In the Margins, A Visit to San Sibilia: I mentioned earlier that I like the notion of exploring weird cities, right? Well, here's two games about that, and a cool bookmark RPG for reading. I listened to San Sibilia played in an episode of Friends at the Table, and it really captured my attention. The questions were fascinating, and they let the players flesh out a city we'd only heard of, but not seen prior to that game. It was a cool coda on a really fantastic and weird season, Sangfielle.

Grandmothership: The title alone had me, but Armanda Haller is a creator I keep an eye on, because she makes really rad stuff. This caught my attention because solving mysteries in a weird, Mothership-esque sci-fi setting, as nosy grandmothers, really just, gets me. I want to do that. I want to live that.

Holdfast Station: I've been watching Stonetop develop through its email updates. It's another PbtA game, but with a robust city-building and city development core loop that, is 100% my jam. (Low-key, one of my favorite games is Dragon Quest Builders 2.) This game takes that concept to space, which is 1000% my jam, in fact.

Spectres of Brocken: Aaron Lim is a designer I got into early on in my foray into games, and I do love Mech Anime. I am eager to see his take on Mech Anime, and I am really intrigued by the way this game handles playsets and worldbuilding as part of the game itself. Really can't wait to dive into this.

Lay on Hands: This is another of those games I've heard about, but never actually checked out. I know Alfred Valley better by reputation than by direct experience, but this is one of those games I hear people constantly telling people to check out. So, I'm gonna!

Penumbra City: Maybe 5 years ago, I read a novella by Margaret Killjoy about anarchists living in an abandoned city, and beset by assholes within their community, and supernatural horrors from without. The world kinda stuck with me, so when I saw she was working on an RPG not in the same world), I was curious to see what that would look like. I haven't cracked Penumbra City open yet, but I'm jazzed to do so.

These two fell off the pile for the big photo, so I forgot:

Deathmatch Island: I enjoyed the Hunger Games and Battle Royale movies a pretty moderate amount, but what really caught my attention here was the promise that players could also break the Reality TV Parody. The use of the Paragon system also caught my attention. After hearing one AP of Agon, I really wanted to see how that would translate into this, and it didn't take me too long reading it to go "Oh, okay, this rules."

Our God is Dead: What if you were a paladin or priest of a faith, and you found out your god was dead? What if you also had like, a bunch of people who really needed that god not to be dead, like this weekend? This sounds hilarious, and I am going to insert it into conversation often to see if people want to play it. Apologies to people who know me.

Eagle eyed viewers may have noticed a second Mothership box. What's that about?

It's a storage box for all my Mothership Zines so far... Except the two that are just slightly too big!

And, some fun comics/graphic novels:

Good Boy Paws: A friend of mine in comics put this together, and it looked extremely cute. A sweet tale of a good boi.

Wine Ghost Goes to Hell: Picked this up because the creator had contributed to Bugsnax, which is a game I enjoyed, and the concept seemed fun. Will have to check it out and report back!

[majicmarker]

fanfic writer interview

tagged by: @carry-the-sky 🩵⋆˙⟡

what fandoms do you write in?

currently revisiting my daryl/beth (twd) fixation, as well as getting some of my eddie/chrissy (st) squared away.

i started way back when with lily/james (hp), dabbled with some other ships therein, then moved on to jon/sansa and theon/sansa (got). i've also played with katniss/haymitch (thg) and alina/the darkling (sab), and some crossover crackships.

so, y'know. it's really become a "whatever i feel like" thing, which is probably what fanfic should be, anyway.

how many words have you published in 2024?

my darling i haven't the faintest idea <3

what is your greatest achievement this year?

finally wrapping my head around the fact that this is all for fun, removing myself from the fandom arena of it all, and just writing what i want to write and leaving it there. this foundation has always been there, but i've definitely lost sight of it so many times over the years; now, though, i've settled into it.

what are your top three fics you've written this year?

what comes next, hey, bust a move : the revamped and in-progress bethyl/boondock saints-inspired au

wish he would get over you : the eddissy/jason pov that i at last updated, and god willing (or not willing, even, this isn't any of his business) i will finish it—

that was it for this year! i've been focusing more and more on original stuff, but i think having a couple fanfic side-projects now will do me some good. i'm finding the balance.

what was your biggest pit of despair moment?

i don't think anything? not in relation to fanfic, at least, if only because i wasn't doing much of it during this rotation 'round the sun. but in general i think any creative pursuit comes with its highs and lows, and learning how to ride those waves is part of getting better at your art.

what have you learned?

how to ride those aforementioned waves, and letting them be fun.

did you beta any fics? any faves you want to shout out?

not this year! my day job is, for all intents and purposes, beta-ing. if someone asks, though, i'm usually up for it!

what three fics have you read this year that you love?

mostly i've been rereading old loves, BUT i did at last stumble across algorithm love song by @littlelindentree. 10/10 instant classic comfort fic.

what ideas are percolating for next year?

nothing fresh and hip, i'm afraid! with new and good things happening with my original stuff, fanfic is officially my little hobby de-stressor (and about goddamn time, too). once i wrap up some eddissy, i'll focus on the bethyl bds fic and whatever one-shots hit.

there are other wips i'd like to finish, but the truth is they're not a priority right now; i'll work on them if/when the mood strikes. some of them might need a full redo if i pick them up again, but we'll cross that bridge… at some point, probably.

who do you want to thank?

@littlelindentree for, however inadvertently, somehow jedi mind-tricking me into working on bethyl again, which has been really fun and it's reminded me of how much this dynamic inspires me.

@sluttyhenley for letting me in her inbox so we can both Yell and also academically examine the finer points of this ship.

@carry-the-sky for a really lovely conversation a few weeks ago about our Feelings About Writing that was all things helpful and validating

@hangon-silvergirl bc rereading the buzz in particular has helped me out of a few of the worse depressive spots this year <3

tagging: literally anyone who feels like it. tag me back so i can see! x

[grittyreadsfic]

happy hockey big bang to those who celebrate! i have once again had the chance to create secondary works for a couple of incredible fics, like in love, or whatever.

i really wanted to build a playlist with songs that feel like summer and the shore, and capture those feelings the same way this fic did. you can find the playlist here and you can see the track listing below the cut with some key lyrics pulled out

I'm a sucker for an aching heart / Gotta suffer for the sake of art / And I want you cause you make it hard

foolish one - taylor swift

Oh, you haven't written me or called / But goodbye screamin' in the silence / And the voices in my head are tellin' me why

enough for you - maisie peters

And that hole in my chest gets a bit bigger / And it dawns on me / All the things that I couldn't see / It was perfect as long as it wasn't real

that was then - emily james

We were a summer kissed red but oh that was then / And this is now

(un)lost - the maine

I'm not looking for anything in particular / But I'm far more desperate than you think

maybe dont - maisie peters (ft jp saxe)

Yeah, I run from the things that I want the most / You said, "I get that's what you do, but maybe don't."

i left a party for you - pilar victoria

I know how you feel, if this is real, what do I do?

closer - tegan and sara

Here comes the breath before we get, a little bit closer / Here comes the rush before we touch, come a little closer

in the movie version of this fic i directed in my head while reading it, this song would be playing softly in the background of the arcade while luke shows trevor how to play pinball

i wanna be your girlfriend - girl in red

I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath / I don't wanna be your friend

generally, i try to do songs from the perspective of the pov character, but this song just felt so trevor in the fic that it had to make the cut

hurt - sasha alex sloan

I freak out every time we get closer / Cause I'm scared that it's just gonna hurt

treacherous - taylor swift

And I just think you should, think you should know / That nothing safe is worth the drive / And I would follow you, follow you home

harry and sally - taylor bickett and charlie pittman

Cause it isn't killing me we're not in love yet / We're just in the part, we're just in the part / Right before we figure it out

i saw your face - emily james

We could sit in silence / While this feeling finds its space / Keep the moment gentle / As it settles into place

the reasons - the weakerthans

I know you might roll your eyes at this / But I'm so glad that you exist

technicolor - sainte

Fell into you like the sea / You broke my fall / And you pulled me deep / I think that you should know this uncertainty has got me restless / Counting myself to sleep

millhouse - maisie peters

But in you, darling, I trust / Oh, everything's coming up Milhouse

love in real time - the maine

I've never felt so / Comfortable / In the middle of the summertime / Working on our / Love in real time / Making all this / Love in real time

[notsobxd]

task #3- absence

dear ma,

hi ma, it's james. jim. it's been a while, a long... long time, actually. i miss you.

i bet you're worried sick right now, wondering if i've managed to get myself killed — i'm sure you're looking to the stars and just hoping that i'm alright. hoping i'm alive. that i'm safe. i am, ma, i'm all of those things. i haven't gotten into too much trouble, and morgan is here with me— she's not really assisting in the staying out of trouble part, but you know they'd never let me do anything that would actually put myself in danger. maybe my reputation but, never me— never my life.

so, a bit of an explanation— i got stuck in this town on a planet called 'earth,' which is honestly a pretty fascinating planet. i remember hearing stories about it but, i always thought it ceased to exist. yet, here it is !! the town im in, it's called evermore. i know... weird name for a town, right ?? i thought so too. what's even weirder about it is that you can't leave it— no matter what you do or where you go, you'll always end up right back in town. that's why i haven't come home. that's why i haven't been able to contact you. i've written tons of letters like this but... space-mail isn't really a thing. not yet, anyways.

i've been here about a year or so now, though i'm not entirely sure. time seems to move so much slower on earth and yet i feel like the days are slipping through my fingers. i had a girlfriend for a little while, you would of loved her. her name is rosetta. she was... like everything you could have dreamed of for me to find in a partner. she was a gardener, and she LOVED flowers. i think you would have went crazy seeing how different plants are on this planet. she had this wild red hair and always was dressed to the nines, and her accent ?? it was adorable. she was adorable. though, as you can assume by my use of the past tense— we're not together anymore. she wanted to settle down, start a life here, make evermore WORK but... i'm itching to get out, ma. i can't stay here for the rest of my life. not when there are so many corners of the galaxy left to explore. it was for the best, and i still care for her even if i am lousy at showing it, but, god you woulda loved her. i know you would have. you both could have mothered me together, scolded me for not getting my life together in unison. now that woulda been a sight.

i've done a lot of things i'm not proud of here. i've fallen back into old habits, had some brushing-of-elbows with the law, made a couple enemies.... your head would likely be rolling hearing about some of the nonsense i get into— especially when me and morgan are left to our own devices but... i'm doing my best, ma. i'm thinking about you everyday. i'm thinking about you and the inn and long john silver. you've always been the strongest person i've ever known, and i wish i had a way to show you sign that i'm alive and i'm doing okay.

i've got some cool friends amongst the enemies, and... theres this girl i've had the most embarrassing crush on for as long as i can remember and i'm finally getting to know her. ma, she is out of this world. getting to hang out with her, to hear her thoughts, to see her smile ?? it's greater than any treasure i could find or adventure i could go on. she has the most fascinating outlook on the world, and everyday i get to know her a little better. she helps to keep me grounded, reminds me that there is still adventure left to have here. i don't know why she gives me the time of day but man— i'm a lucky dude for it. don't get too excited, though, i'm not going to tell you her name. i don't want to jinx it, but maybe one day, if i don't mess this up, you'll get to meet her. i hope you do.

i miss you more than words can describe, ma. i'd give anything to have you here with me right now. you always worried about losing me, but i promise that no matter how many lightyears apart we are— you'll never lose me. i'm still upholding my promise, and i'm gonna make you proud.

look for me in the stars, ma. that's where i always seem to find you.

your son,

jim.

[amtrak12]

I left 300+ comments on fics in 3 days

So the Seasons of Drabbles fic exchange just wrapped up its summer round, and I had a blast with it! I plan on making a wrap-up post about my experience as both a writer and a reader, but first I want to talk about how I read and commented on 338 drabbles (aka everything posted as of the day authors were revealed) in one weekend. 👀

Why

First of all, why the fuck did I read and comment on sooooo many drabbles? For multiple reasons:

I haven't received many comments on my most recent fic updates which has left me pretty bummed out

If I'm going to claim "Even a simple heart emoji goes a long way!" then I should practice what I preach

I was so excited/impatient for fic reveals that I skimmed through past rounds for fandoms I like and found a fic that didn't have any comments even 5 months later, not even from the giftee :(

So yeah, I was determined that every single fic posted to the summer round was getting a heart emoji and a kudos from me BARE MINIMUM! And if I'm kudos-ing and commenting, then I might as well read the fic too. What if it's really good? What if it's really sad and a heart emoji doesn't fit the tone? I need to know these things!

Methodology

I made a game plan. My baseline comment was a purple heart 💜 because that's my go to color. If I found something to quote, I quoted it. If it was angsty (or seemed angsty), I might do an 'Ooph!' before the heart, or even a broken heart emoji paired with a 'Good job!'. If someone did a series of drabbles and split the drabbles up into their own chapters, I switched up the color of the hearts for each chapter -- and yes I did comment on each chapter! As an author, I LOVE when I get comments along the way and not just at the end. And as a reader, it gave me extra space to quote or add commentary, if I had it (and sometimes I did!). Commenting on every chapter is 👍👍👍 Do recommend.

But did I actually READ every single one of these fics, you ask? Yes. Like 99% of them. There were a couple where I knew enough about the fandom to know I wanted nothing to do with that or where the series of drabbles was so long, that I was like "oh bestie, I can't do it. I'm so sorry :(" But I still skimmed those enough to grasp the tone of the fic so I could modify my heart emoji comment as needed.

Results

OMG it was so frickin fun! I mean, did my eyes start to bleed? Did I have to take breaks from reading because I caught myself skimming too much? Yes, of course. IT WAS 338 DRABBLES IN THREE DAYS! And not all of them were 100-300 words long. Some of those were 1-2k words! I should've taken more breaks than I did, but I really wanted to get all/the majority done before author reveals for arbitrary reasons only my brain knows (it won't even tell me you guys 😜) But even still, it was super super fun to see the huge variety of fics out there!

It's also been a blast to see the author replies roll in. Some replied before author reveals so they still showed anonymous. Most waited until after the reveals and I got to learn that WHOA, so-and-so wrote like 7 of those drabbles! *applauds* Sometimes they replied with a thank you, sometimes it was their own preferred heart emoji. It's so cute seeing how other people like to say thank you, because I know I've definitely settled into a 'style' when I reply to comments on my fics. 💜

Would I do it again?

I honestly don't know. It was exhausting burning through all those fics in such a short amount of time. Now this particular fic exchange is smaller and only runs four times a year, so give me three months and I can probably do it again no problem. But right now, I definitely need a break lol No regrets though!!

Highlights of my reading:

I learned Object and Concept Anthropomorphism is a category on AO3. 😲 Which on the one hand, shouldn't surprise me because I KNOW I read crack fic with anthropomorphism back on LiveJournal. But it still delighted me to see it pop up in this fic exchange. XD

On that note Chess Pieces (Anthropomorphic) is apparently popular enough to warrant it's own, individual, fandom tag. Incredible information to know!! I love that!

There's a user named DanceWithOrangutans and they seem to only request or write orangutan fiction or maybe Planet of the Apes fic if they feel like branching out. Truly an icon to end all icons! 🌟 They're my new favorite person and I look forward to reading lots of orangutan flash fiction in future rounds 💜

I have absolutely no idea what was going on in any of the anime fics but some of them were super adorable and fluffy 🥰

My absolute favorite thing was when people who actually know that fandom commented before me, so when I left my little heart, I would get to read them squeeing and crying and freaking out over how good the drabble was. :') They'd be like 'IT WAS SO IN CHARACTER!!! 😭' and I'd be like 'oh cool, the author nailed it! 😄' 10/10 experience

And to wrap things up...

Seasons of Drabbles: Summer Round Superlatives

Best Author's Note:

satisfy the desire of the afflicted by yesthisisnarumi (Dungeon Meshi, M, 300 words)

Hysterical author's note. Absolutely loved it. 😂

Most Baller Line:

birds of a feather by embraidery (Stardew Valley, T, 1100 words)

CAN IMAGINE WHERE A SMILE MIGHT GO???????? Are you fucking kidding me right now???????????? Brilliant work! A++ I'm still losing my mind about it!

I Don't Go Here But Holy Shit That's Good Writing:

recoil by Fleetling (The Man From U.N.C.L.E, T, 300 words)

The use of gun imagery to describe their relationship -- which from the one viewing of the trailer I saw years ago, seems pretty fitting for the movie -- just blew my mind. "voice cracking like gunfire" in the next paragraph? -- GOOD GOD! Again, don't even remotely go here, but damn this fic was really well written!

Best Username:

ECwrotethisforyou

You know what, yeah. You did write that, buddy! And you should remind everyone reading your fics that these are gifts! In or outside of a fic exchange. I approve! 👏

Best Story Structure:

If Comfy, Warm, and My Size, Why No Sit: A Meta-analysis of Research into the Warm Flat Rectangle by Dr Fluffy Jones by finerandbonnier (Original Work, G, 300 words)

YOU GUYS!!!!!!! If you have ever read a scientific paper for school or for funsies, you need to read this fic! It has FOOTNOTES! It has a BIBLIOGRAPHY in the end author's note! IT'S A FUCKING WORK OF GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!! 12/10 All the applause 🎉👏👏👏🌟

[deshaunicus]

Just sharing two of my favorite photos from 2023, but I also really need to just vent a little. The past year was a trying one for me.

There were some positives, for sure, and I've already written about those elsewhere. Today, however, I want to unload some of the more stressful things. I don't plan on going into a ton of detail, but I think I need to say it somewhere because I haven't been in a good place.

Work

The biggest source of stress for me has been losing my job at the end of June. I made a big move and left my finance job of 15 years to work for a non-profit media company in early 2022, and I got laid off about 18 months later. Make no mistake here: I loved that job and all the people I worked with. It was kind of heartbreaking to leave a place that made me feel so welcome. In the time since then, I've applied to a ton of jobs, and I've had only one interview. The interview that I was able to get wasn't even through the traditional application method—I had a friendly rapport with a recruiter and managed to land an interview that went all the way to its final round. Unfortunately, I didn't get that job and it was crushing. The little bit of savings I had has been depleted, and my unemployment ends in a few weeks. Job searching is fundamentally broken and it doesn't appear to be improving.

I've always struggled to get paid photo gigs, and despite what I'd consider to be a solid catalog of work, it has been difficult to consistently get in front of people who can offer paid opportunities. To that point, I had 4 paid concert gigs last year, out of 26 gigs total. I did have a handful of photography gigs that were not live music related, and I'm incredibly grateful for those, because they've helped to keep my rent paid for a little longer. Still, these are only occasional drops of income that aren't sustainable. I don't know what to do, and I'm pretty exhausted.

Relationships

Last year was possibly one of the loneliest years I can remember. Thankfully, my best friendships are still intact and I don't see that changing. However, there were just a lot of transitions that were starting to settle in for me. Most of my friends are married and/or have children, and quite a few of them have moved away too. It doesn't mean the friendships have dissolved—they're just different now and can't be maintained in quite the same way. Unfortunately, I still find myself occasionally revisiting abandoned friendships from years ago and grieving in one way or another—usually by having a flash of anger and then disappointment.

Romantic relationships were nonexistent. In fact, I essentially swore off of dating early in the year after a particularly demoralizing experience. Losing my job, of course, cemented that hiatus for me.

Professional relationships have also struggled. My attempts to nurture new relationships with artists, editors, and creative staff for photo work were fruitless. I did have a couple of people who successfully recommended me for work, but my own personal outreach was unsuccessful.

Outlook

I have made an effort to take the time and look back on the good things that have happened. I don't have selective memory about the good and bad things, but the bad things have been a mess. I don't know how I'll pay rent next month. If I manage to pay that, then the month after that becomes the new major concern, and so on. This is worse than paycheck to paycheck—there are no paychecks.

When friends casually mention things like plans for kids and marriage to me, I no longer confidently believe either of those things are in my future. Instead, I feel unlovable.

My sleep schedule is completely upside down now, and I don't leave my apartment for days at a time. I'm tired, and I would like to have one bit of security back.

On the very, very slim chance that you've reached the end of this, I applaud you. Part of the reason this is here is because I don't think very many people will check.

I hope that whatever 2023 was for you, 2024 ends up being better.

[gogogogolev]

2023 Autumn Classic International FS results, final results, and Stephen's protocol.

Ok this is really late my apologies.

Let's start with that costume. I was hoping to see Stephen in blue since he revealed it's his favourite colour. Have been wanting to see him in something ombré forever. I was actually telling my mom yesterday I wish he'd wear ombré as it would suit him so well. To get both in one costume? I was screaming. Thank you to whoever designed that.

Now the technical. First of all, big props to Stephen for not letting those early mistakes get to him. He held it together and kept going, and that is so important for his progress as an athlete. Full respect for that. In terms of that content I was surprised to see his Lutz come back from its exile. It was a nice one, and I think nailing that helped settle him down after the first fall.

The 4S in the second half looked good, and that 3F3A sequence was amazing. That's smart thinking, to put two of his best jumps together like that. And finally we have some variety in jump layout. He must have grown tired of the layouts he'd been doing for the past four years. Level 4 spins are always welcome. The choreography looks interesting and so different from last season. The crowd was clapping along to his step sequence, which is great. It was a level 2 but I'm sure with mileage it will improve.

It was the first time out with this program and it wasn't bad at all plus he managed to get a medal so I'll take that. I haven't had time to go through comments but what little I have seen suggests people like this program. Also a strange little fact: this is Stephen's first time winning bronze at an event. He did win a small bronze for the FS at 2019 Junior Worlds, but he's only ever won gold or silver otherwise. This is his first international senior medal and I'm just proud of him for picking himself up after last season and coming out here and making a statement. If you were writing him off after last season you should think twice.

Also shout out to the two MVPs with Stephen - Bruce and coach Lee Barkell. Bruce went to Montreal to watch Stephen and cheer him on, and has been supporting him online as well. I think you can even hear him in the crowd, and I'm sure his support buoyed Stephen. As I've stated previously Stephen's best skates in the past couple of years have come with Lee by his side. Stephen is a Californian now, but I hope he can continue to work with Lee and become more successful under his (occasional) tutelage.

Back in January 2022 when Stephen was forced to withdraw from Nationals I was going through it but was encouraged by the kind words of a coach (an acquaintance) who reassured me Stephen would be back. They were letting me know that Stephen would be selected for Junior Worlds without stating it outright, but I didn't comprehend that in my state of mind. I just calmed myself down by thinking about when he'd be back. At that time I told myself he would be here for 2022 SCI, 2023 Nationals, and also 2023 ACI. I'm glad to see that all worked out without any more withdrawals. Let's manifest more good things.

Stephen has now done a JGP, JGP Final, Grand Prix, and Challenger Series event within Canada. He's just got one international left to do here...and that's enough from me. :)

Way to go Stephen! Congratulations and looking forward to seeing more.

[citaro-pheonix]

Simblr Community Challenge

Just come across this while getting distracted on Tumblr, lol. I wasn't tagged but I love the idea of doing this to get another post up on my wall. Regularity is not a thing that exists for me, clearly.

How long have you been playing The Sims?

Almost 10 years now, properly anyway. I first got into it in school as a friend of mine had Sims 3 on their laptop. I loved seeing what they had built with all the packs they had. I initially got the 3DS version of the game and was thoroughly disappointed in comparison. I found the Starter Pack of Sims 3 in Replay (a shop for second-hand games, DVDs, etc. Similar to CEX but before they really took off properly). Went to install the Base Game but had to wait for about a year because my disc wanted Origin before installing the game. Got really into watching how smooth Sims 4 was in late 2015, got that Base Game and Sims 3 Island Paradise in Easter 2016. And my collection has grown from there. I now proudly have all Sims 3 packs in disc form, mostly from second-hand shops like CEX or eBay.

2. What type of Simblr are you?

A bit of everything really. I don't create CC or Mods, but I've showcased creations using them before. Just showing off builds and sims in Sims 4 so far. I am, however, branching out as I'm back into Sims 3 a lot recently, notably going through store sets and CC in recent weeks. Although, next on the agenda is revealing a gameplay challenge I've kind of created, with inspiration from others, so watch this space.

3. How long have been a Simblr, and why?

I actually can't remember when I created my account but I didn't start posting anything until I'd been on Tumblr for a while. I signed up because CC exists and I decided to plunge myself into the rabbit hole (pun completely intended, not accidental at all...). After a while, I saw some Sims-themed fan-zine posts and wanted to do the same. Alas, this never materialised like most things with me and settled for liking CC posts, and basically sharing what I've created in the game.

4. Which generation do you currently play?

I sort of balance myself between 3 and 4, but definitely focusing on 3 right now. Finally started setting up my new Legacy save file last night, using the Condor Lofts in Sunset Valley for a couple of Sims from a different save. Hoping to actually get through multiple generations this time, with the added motivation of the challenge I mentioned in Q2. I'm looking forward to playing with the different packs and their features, especially ones I haven't dived into yet.

5. Tags? I have none. The post I saw was done 2 years ago by @twinsimming and I'm not really active enough to interact with other Simblrs atm, lmao. This was done just for fun, as it helps you guys get to know me a bit better for the revival of my page.

[aonoexpat]

Feeling untethered

12-05-2023

I'm long overdue for a blog update, I'm going to be honest: I've had a really rough couple of weeks, and I've simultaneously been wanting to wait until it's over and I'm feeling better so I can give y'all positive texts and happy pictures, and to write an honest and open update but feeling too low to actually sit down and do it. I'm not entirely sure where I'm at right now headspace-wise, but I'm gonna give it a try!

The common denominator over the past weeks is that I've been feeling tired and depleted. I'm leaking energy and unable to refill it quickly enough, due to a couple of reasons:

Work/money 💸 : I work about 25 hours a week, divided over both a bartending and a catering job. Beside that I try to go busking twice a week. Even though I enjoy all three of those things most of the time, I can't deny that they are tiring. Especially the catering job, since the service they aim to provide is a bit more high-end. And even though I clearly need my down time, I constantly feel like I'm not working enough. That road trip wasn't cheap, and, having been brought up Dutch, I felt (and still feel, frankly) the need to replenish my funds asap, which is hard to do when 1 grocery run of a couple of essentials costs me a day's wages, and my weekly(!) rent is $165, excluding power etc. That brings my monthly rent to ~$719, which equals about €417, and that's only because the Aotearoa Dollar isn't doing great at the moment. It's worth noting this is by far the cheapest room I could find (anything under $200 a week is a steal). Te Whanganui-a-tara is generally not a cheap place to live. Every time I feel like I'm gaining some ground financially, something comes up, like a broken amp for busking that needs replacement, or a week of few work shifts. I haven't managed to break even since I got to the country. I'm hoping I might manage this month, but I'm nowhere near saving any substantial amount.

Living situation 🏠 : my new living space is much closer to everything, which saves me time energy and money in bus fares, but it's not a house I'd call home, unfortunately. My flatmates are messy and unorganised (which, as I have learned today, attracts pests), and often fail to understand that loud noises (like them throwing up in the bathroom at 03:30 AM) aren't magically stopped by a half-closed door. I tend to be on edge when I'm home, which makes relaxing and re-energising a challenge. I try to make myself feel better by burning some incense and listening to music (nostalgic Dutch music if I can help it) with my noise cancelling headphones, which helps me feel more isolated and safe, but it's not a long-term solution.

Reflection 🪞 : being back in Te Whanganui-a-tara, I've gone right back to hanging out with settled people, even though I had a reminder of what it's like to chill with other travelers in Tāmaki-makau-rau. I don't really have as easy a way to get in touch with them here because I'm not staying in a backpackers. Because of that I think I've slipped into a strange limbo state of trying to feel at home here, and being bothered by failing at that, while simultaneously planning to get out of here. I find myself trying to build a life here as though I was in The Netherlands, and then realising that's not why I came here, and beating myself up about not making the most of my time here. Even though I did come here with the question in mind if this place could be home, so I should be evaluating that. But I'm pretty certain Te Whanganui-a-tara will not be home. So I tell myself to get out of here, but to do that I want to save up money, so for now I have to stay (though I'm starting to think I might be falling victim to a sunk-cost fallacy there). Besides that, my brain has just gotten moderately comfortable again in a new place, and is reluctant to mess everything up all over again. It's like when I left home I dipped my toes in the cold water of being on the road, traveling and the discomfort that comes with it, and then once I got here I quickly pulled back and said no, actually, this place is warm enough. But that won't do. It's interesting to observe though, and all the thoughts that come along with it. I'm having existential crises and revelations on the daily about what I want in my life, and realisations about what's important to me. I never used to have that back home. I did experience it on my last backpacking trip, but it's different this time. Last time I still had a clear path to return to: when the trip was over, I'd go to uni back home. Now, my future is one big question mark (not even talking about all the large scale societal threats). These questions and ponderings are a large reason why I wanted to go travel in the first place. But by god, it's exhausting. And scary.

I miss my family and my friends, I've started to realise how utterly alone I can feel here. I'm doing everything on my own, I'm dragging myself to work every day, I push myself to go out there and play music, I pick myself up when I'm a crying mess on the floor, I cook for myself, and I motivate myself to keep going, to evaluate what I want, and to find the next right thing. And sometimes I forget that that takes a toll on a person. I'm in an unfamiliar environment, with unfamiliar people, a whole new political climate, a different culture that undeniably has its own challenges, no matter how idyllic Aotearoa can seem from a distance.

And I'm actually goddamn proud of that. I'm strong. Because despite all of my challenges, I'm staying on top of everything. I'm never late for work, I answer all my emails, I pay weekly visits to the bank to exchange my busking coin, and I do my laundry. Go me 💪

So. What now?

I've been quite eager to find somebody to travel together with. I know public transport is very limited here, so traveling by car is pretty much a must. I am personally very uncomfortable in a car though, so I'm a bit defiant to give in. Driving is not my style, let alone flying short distances, and I feel like I would be able to get around without either of those. And I probably would, but it would make things a lot more difficult, that I can't deny. So if I have to drive, I would definitely prefer to have a travel buddy, so when the car breaks down we can panic together.

However, the other day a coworker asked me how I feel about traveling alone, and I told them I loved it. It's my favourite way to travel because you get to choose your own path and don't need to care about anybody else's plans… and then I realised I wasn't actually doing any of those things, and finding a travel buddy would completely defeat the purpose. A while back, I wrote an entry in my personal diary saying "I don't want to live in a city, I want a van with the back door opening to a sunset and a pillow and a cup of tea." So after talking to my friend yesterday, I did a full 180 and suddenly set my sights on trying to procure a van for myself. And even though it scares the absolute shit out of me to the point where the thought actually makes me cry, it also looks 100 times sunnier (metaphorically, it's 100% winter over here) in my mind than any of my previous plans. Only now I'm realising that my plan of getting a rideshare to the next town and doing the same thing there actually made me dream about going back home. And that's not the way I want to feel.

The past days I've felt sick so I've allowed myself to lie in bed and rest up (dw, covid test came back negative), but the coming week I'll hopefully actively start the hunt. My mind still swings back and forth between 'driving around in a van is an absolute dream' and 'driving around in a van is my worst nightmare', so I'm just letting it swing and I'll see where it lands, I suppose!

I've needed the past month to figure myself out. It's funny how, looking back, it feels like I've been wasting time here. Now that I have a bit of an idea of a next step, it's easy to forget what it was like not to know, and it seems like I've been making the wrong choices by letting myself get tired and depleted and have not the best time here. But rationally I know that every day I've spent here has been necessary to get me to where I am now. It's just like when I'm sick and I spend a day resting, and then I feel better, and it seems like there was no reason why I couldn't have been productive that day. But the rest is an essential part of the process, as much as perfectionism tries to deny that. So I'm giving myself positive affirmations and biding my time (and basking in Eurovision distractions 🤩) until I feel energised again!

Some happier notes because I can't help it:

Like I mentioned, the amp I used for busking broke so I needed to get a new one, and opted for the Vox Mini3 G2. It's a kilo lighter and almost twice as small as my old one, which has ultimately made my busking experience a lot nicer!

I made a necklace out of the pumice and sand from the beach of Taupō-nui-a-Tia and I'm actually really happy with how it turned out:

I paid another visit to Zealandia and got a closer look at the Takahē, I'm BEGGING you to turn the sound on and hear the little noises they make:

We went to Red Rocks at night to see the Southern lights, but they weren't visible with the naked eye. My friend's camera captured this though:

I'm off to bed now, I have another long day of work waiting for me tomorrow. Thanks for bearing with me ❤️

[fusion-ego]

✩ Update ✩

I haven't made one of these since the day of my flight out to Arizona, back in February, and I don't feel like covering every little thing that's happened, so we'll do the cliffnotes version of an update for Feb 10 - May 20.

✮ Got to Arizona, ended up not being able to make it to the drug test for my job, therefore didn't get to start and decided to look for something closer. Spent the remaining time between then and April 17 using my tax return to pay my bills while looking for another job.

✮ Started delivering food via doordash on April 17, continued looking for permanent employment elsewhere.

✮ Finally got my offer letter for a job working as a detailer at an RV dealership on May 17, finished filling out my onboarding paperwork on May 20.

✮ As of today, I've officially started my new job! I wasn't expecting to like it much, but it's honestly a pretty chill gig. I've got an office (I share it with the other detail guy), I can take breaks whenever the hell I want, there's no immediate supervision (as in I am not being watched the whole time I'm on the clock), I get an hour lunch, and I'm making wayyyy above minimum wage, so I have zero complaints. I actually enjoyed my first day a lot.

✮ Now that that's sorted out, my parents and I are working on getting me into my own apartment, and after that we'll begin working on getting my husband and best friend out here. As of right now it looks like late June/early July before we can do that, but so long as it actually happens at that point I don't have an issue with it. (Parents are involved in this partially because, as addressed in one of my other update posts, they are bound and determined to help us get out here and settled in since we weren't supposed to have to go back to Illinois to begin with. The other reason is that they have to head back to Missouri to get their RV and their stuff out of storage anyway, so they're willing to drive the extra couple of hours back to Illinois and nab my people as well.) (If they can't help around late June/early July as we're planning now, I will still find a way to make my end of the plan happen because there's no way in hell I'm dragging this bullshit out any longer than I have to.)

✮ Hopefully, updates on fics will resume shortly. I'm not sure how much writing I'll really be doing for myself after work every day, but I've gotten a bit done on some projects today. We'll see how that goes.

✮ Commissions are still open, as always.

✮ That's all, I think. I dunno, I'm exhausted. ✮

[crmsnmth-journal]

5/15/2024 10:08 PM

My day started off depressing and weird. I woke up, took my coffee and cigarette on the porch and checked social media. I got a notification that someone wanted to message me on FB, which is really weird in general. I don't talk to people, they don't talk to me. I prefer to use the platform as one big joke. And I really don't like talking to people. Either way, it's weird and my first thought was that it was a scam. I won't lie and pretend that for one breif second, my thoughts went to her, cause you know, I'm stupid and apparently like hurting myself. It was not spam, and it was not her (duh). It was the guy who was in the other car. I've mentioned before that my dad past away in January unexpectdly. And that was because of a serious car accident that happened in the very tale of December. The person who messaged me was that guy. The guy was in a coma after the accident. I guess he's wanted to reach out for months, but was advised by his lawyers and insurance to wait until everything was settled. Last Friday, it was apparently settled and he decided to message me. He just wanted to know what happened. Why it happened. And I get that. I felt bad that I had no answers to give him. None of us know what happened that day, at least the one's on earth. It was senseless in every day, and filled with weird behaviour. Someone claimed he did it on purpose, but I know my dad, and if he was going to take himself out, it would be by drugs or a bullet, not a car accident where he'd hurt someone else if it happened. We talked back and forth quite a bit, and he said it helped a bit. I wish I could've done more. I feel awful for him. I don't know how bad his other injuries were, but coma's a pretty big one. I think I saw a picture of his vehicle and it's demolished. I was led to believe that my dad rear-ended someone, but looking at the pictures (unconfirmed that it was) it looks more like a t-bone incident, which would explain my dad's injuries and why they were so severe. Things sucked for my dad's last year here. He lost most of his freedom (yes, it was his fault. You don't make modified fireworks, and set them off near your own apartment. turns out it's a felony. A few of them.) He gained that and lost his right's to guns and so much more. And then he had the stroke which took away his ability to swallow, and was very rapidly taking his ability to speak. He was miserable. This was not the life he wanted to live, and I understand that. I really do. I don't think I could live like that either. I visited him in June for a couple days, and we had a great time. And that is really important now. Really important. And then the accident. I've gotten bits and pieces of his life, and when we went to see him before he passed, he couldn't talk or really move. His hands jerked involuntarily, and that for some reason sticks with me. That's what flashes in my head. His hands restrained and still jerking and pulling. And when my step-mom got there she unrestrained him right away. Which is what I think he was trying to tell me and my brother. Neither of us were any good at reading his lips, and we didn't know he had the letter-board which would've helped so much. I don't know why the hands thing bothers me as much as it does. I guess it might have been the juxtaposition that the last time I saw him before that, he was playing guitar, and fishing, and using his hands, and then they were nothing but electrical currents. I need to stop talking about this. I don't need myself getting all worked up over something right before I try to get some sleep. I haven't been getting much the last few days.

Other than the weird start to the day, nothing else about it was even noteworthy. Just another Wednesday in a long line of them. Work was pretty slow. I think Sherry got annoyed by my choice of music. 90's and early 2000's pop. It was kind of funny when she came back from a smoke break, and I was singing along to Christina Aguilera's Candyman. She stopped right in her tracks. She says she's never surprised by the music I listen to because it is so erratic, but seeing me in all black, trimming a loin to size singing the line "He's a one stop shop, makes my panties drop" was just too much for her.

[ramblingstonobody]

Cheers and Hiccups - May 7, 2023

I'm feeling incredibly proud of myself. Here's a beautiful list of why:

I'm signing my second publishing deal tomorrow at 10am. I'm so proud of myself for this one. The positives waves signing this will have on my life are going to be amazing.

I felt banging in a swim suit the other day - ass included. I don't know if I've ever looked in the mirror and actually liked the way my ass looked in a swim suit, so this was pretty cool. I think I'm just generally being nicer to myself and my body lately, and I think I literally look fitter as a result.

Tomorrow is 2 weeks of no drinking. There have been a couple of moments where I thought, "You could just have one..." but I'm really glad I've stuck with it. Curious to see how long I hold out. Currently have no real desire to drink aside from the social confidence it can give me. But I'll figure that out. It's a cool experiment to go out sober honestly.

I'm moving my body more consistently than I ever have I think. The whole not going two days in a row without moving has been a really helpful rule of thumb. If I don't work out one day, I plan my next day around getting movement in. I also have done evening workout a few times since I started this which I would normally never do. Love an occasional sunset hike or night run to mix things up.

Since starting Prozac, I truly haven't spiraled once. I'm feeling more in control of my emotions and my responses to life. I'll get upset about things, sure, but I truly never let it completely take me over the way that I always used to. It's like...I just know that the feeling will pass. That the moment will pass. That it'll all settle again eventually. So I can take this time to freak the fuck out - or I can feel the feeling and then start walking back towards center.

I've been snacking less and drinking more water. I went a little crazy there for a second ordering a bunch of candy and snacks and stuff. Honestly, I still ordered myself a slurpie and a gatorade last night. Also ate a bag of popcorn - but I actually don't feel too bad about popcorn as a snack. I think I could eat that everyday if I wanted. But while I was home, I made my Florence Omelet (yes, I just named it that), those chicken tacos and salmon with broccoli.

I've been taking my vitamins everyday for almost three weeks. My vitamins really are just my multivitamin, my Prozac and my hair and nails gummies. But then I also do my Meta-C with it. I'd like to add lion's mane in there. Maybe it would be worth getting a fish oil pill or something? Magnesium? Maybe I should do some research. Anyway, I'm fucking doing it. I'm taking my vitamins everyday like an adult. And it feels really good and makes me really proud.

I started a 7 day pilates challenge today, tried to lift Missy's 10lb weights for a bit, listened to a Daily Jay AND started a 7 day meditation course on the Calm app. I be tryin' some new shit! Realized I'd gotten charged for Calm and decided to just give it a go. It was really relaxing. Did the Jay one first and I actually really loved the message. Talked about fitting in vs belonging. I can really relate to that lately. Felt good to compare those different dispositions over the last couple weeks in different scenarios and being able to feel how much better it feels to simple be and belong and not have to try to change yourself to be whatever everyone else might want or need you to be. The pilates video was great. I actually really liked it. The instructor in the video is TINY and ripped, and I did find myself wishing I looked more like her, but you know what I also did? I thought, "I wouldn't want to be that skinny. Honestly. I like that I have an ass and a little meat on my bones." And that felt cool.

I bought a shit ton of fruit today for about 20 bucks. Ricky said last night that I should try snacking on fruit as a candy substitute, so I went and got some apples, bananas, sumo citrus & a big pack of little sweet plums. I could easily eat all of this in the next couple days, but I bet it could last me through to the weekend.

I actively tried to reach out to those two apartments today. I sent a handful of requests on Apartments.com, called the numbers, one of em twice, signed up for the text service, and then literally drove to them to try to get to the front office and talk to a real person. Granted - I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone haha. But I've now ruled those two out and am that much closer to finding my next home.

Here are a couple things I'm struggling with and would like to work through:

My skin is pretty angry right now. I know it's got to be from all of the candy I was eating. My period feels like an obvious culprit as well. Plus, I was in a different state, getting proper sun on my face for a few days. All this to say, all will be well. My skin will clear up. I've been drinking water like crazy and eating a lot healthier. I'm gonna add this to my list of things I'm proud of myself for.

I'm a little anxious about finding an apartment... But honestly, that's normal. Anyone who was in between homes would be stressed. And that's a common thing. You're going to find an apartment. You're going to be able to afford it. It's going to be fucking magical. She's somewhere out there right now waiting for me. The thing I kind of want to talk through more is the fact that most place require you to make three times the rent each month and that won't be possible for me. They'll also want paychecks for a few months back and I won't be able to provide that. But you know what, I'd just keep walking forward. I'd just call someone up and explain my situation and take the steps I need to take to get the answer I desire. All will be well.

Should I try to room with a couple girls? I'm honestly just not sure on this one. I don't want to, but if it was cheaper and easier to get approved, I could be open to it. I'd just need to not be afraid to make it my space too.

[keefwho]

September 28 - 2023 Thursday

10:40pm

I didn't journal last night because I was up late chatting with Daisy.

This morning I had a hard time decided breakfast but I picked my last sausage pattie in a hamburger bun with a side of rice. My diet has been pretty non-varied lately so I'm trying to remember to eat something as different as possible every meal aside from my usual chicken dinner but even that might get changed up.

Stream didn't go so well. I just couldn't figure out what to work on. I'm sort of idea burnt out right now. In the past I would have been tired of the process but I feel like I can draw forever. Its just coming up with interesting ideas I actually want to do and not just the same poses and scenarios over and over. I ended stream very early, only about 30 minutes in. I also had to use the bathroom pretty bad. I felt bad about ending but also I knew that I honestly needed a break. I still do I think. I've been so focused on creating ideas that I haven't been taking in any information. I'm reverbing in my own brain. I need some fresh content to go off of.

After stream I honestly can't remember what I did. I somehow managed to kill a couple hours by doing actually nothing. Maybe watching a Twitch stream, maybe working a little bit on my room scan, and trying to find something to clean. Eventually I decided to fellate myself but I probably shouldn't have, I ended up not being very into it and because of that it took about 40 minutes.

Lunch was a few chicken fries, fish stick, and a macaroni cup. I had been looking forward to working on something while watching a stream on the side. Instead I had joined Eggs server and she showed up along with a couple of her friends. It was a nice call for the most part. Some of it was her friends nonstop narrating their OSU gameplay which rotted my brain but that stopped. For a bit it was just me and her and we share mutual feelings about being glad we bumped into each other for similar reasons. She was sort of isolating after a friend group break up and I also have very few social connections. I had been working on a halloween pic of Adora for Daisy in this call. Egg and her friend were watching and complimented me a lot which was nice, they really like my coloring brush. When I was done with the pic I left.

I felt terrible for Daisy today because of her finding out her insurance doesn't cover mental visits and also she had a bad day at work. Thats part of the reason I did the halloween pic. I didn't mean to get the whole thing done today but I thought it would make her feel at least a little better. I don't think I play myself up enough because that pic only took 2 hours. I think a lot of artist wish they could draw something so complete in that time. At this point its normal for me so it doesn't feel like anything special but I should take pride in being able to crank something out like this when it's needed.

After a little stream watching Daisy and I played Zelda together for just a little bit before her mom got home. When she hopped off my friend Will messaged and reminded me that we had planned to hang out in VRchat tonight so we did that for a bit. It was cool catching up with him even though I forgot about the plans and didn't quite feel up to socializing with someone I hadn't talked to in a decade. It was worth it though. We got him an avatar and showed him my cabin before getting crashed at a Black Cat.

Daisy and I chatted before bed as usual while I'm been Twitch gambling. I'm running another room scan alignment tonight and hoping it goes better with new settings. I dont want to settle for a lame result.

Its nearly time I try to figure out a new plan to self therapy. I've just stopped for a bit to regroup because everything kinda stopped working. I got too focused on certain things and at the same time not focused enough on others. I wasn't very coordinated in general, so much so I can't even describe exactly what the problem was. Just that I was so scattered. Whatever I try next will be more structured and focused.

I've naturally been better about feeling secure in my relationships. It might only be temporary but I've been aware of how miserable and harmful it is to not trust in my close bonds. Especially when I'm given so much reassurance. Sure I have legitimate reasons I end up feeling like this but it's still so goofy. Sometimes I just say fuck past experiences and so called trauma. I want to be happy and at least sometimes I can be.

[stonewallsposts]

16 personalities questions: 43-45

43. In your social circle, you are often the one who contacts your friends and initiates activities 

I pretty much AM that guy. 

We have a reunion every year with the artists that all worked together back in our studio before they went to Cartoon Network. I'm pretty much the guy that got the ball rolling on every reunion. I would initiate the contact, find the dates for us to settle on, find the host home, settle who would bring what, etc. I did this for years. Whenever I get together with friends I haven't seen for a while, I'm the one who initiates the contact and pushes for something to happen. I'll usually try three times and if I don't get anything by then, I just assume that they aren't all that interested and let it go.  

I've found that friendships come and go. We've had a bunch of couples we were really tight with over the years, but at some point, life moves on and we don’t see them anymore. I'll try and keep in contact, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. But it's almost 100% my effort. 

44. If your plans are interrupted, your top priority is to get back on track as soon as possible 

If I'm not in full disagreement with this, I'm only one step removed.  

I'll make my plans, but if they don’t work out, they don't work out. I'll go through your metaphorical open doors, and if those close, I might try a side door, but I'm not interested in fulfilling some plan no matter what. I usually just chalk it up to an idea that didn't work out. No big deal. 

I think this is applicable even if it's something relatively small too. I may get interrupted at work on something I'm working on, and when I'm done, I just get back to it. But that's assuming I'm being paid to do that particular thing, in which case blowing it off isn't really in the job description. I've got to get back to it. 

But even in conversation it will often happen that I'm making a point, and someone will interrupt me, and if it's not at a convenient spot to go back to the point I was making, I'll just assume they weren't interested and I'll drop it. I don't want to be a bore to the people I'm talking to. 

45. You are still bothered by mistakes that you made a long time ago 

There's one or two that haunt me, but in general, no. I've learned from my mistakes... in some cases... and don't even really regret having made the mistake. But there are a few I've regretted. 

So, I guess it's confession time. 

Years ago, when my youngest was still pretty small, I kicked his legs out from under him for no particular reason. I meant to do it as kind of a joking/messing with him thing, but it was just all-around ill thought out. As soon as I did it, I saw that he was hurt by it. I apologized and hugged him, but I'm still kicking mySELF for that moment, and I wish to God I'd never done it. 

Years ago, I was taking an adult-ed class and a classmate confided in me that he was going through a divorce. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but the gist was that he must have been making some mistakes too and that basically, If he was living his life right, this wouldn’t be happening to him. It wasn't quite that brazen, but that was the gist of it. 

About 6 weeks later I found out my wife was having an affair and she was planning on leaving. All my callousness to that guy came back at that time. I had a chance to minister to the guy and I just totally blew it, and came off as conceited and a jerk. 

Sometime later, my sister Rhonda was staying with us, and she was going through a rough time in her life. At some point in the discussion she asked me point blank what the answer was. I had a golden opportunity to give her the gospel and I didn't. I wasn't particularly walking with the Lord during that time either, and even though I thought of the gospel at that moment, I wasn't in a place to tell it to her. I've regretted that moment ever since. But I did learn from it. Later I was faced with similar moments and made sure that I didn't balk when the time came. But I still regret that one. 

Finally, I got involved with a young woman a few years ago. I flirted when I knew it was dangerous, and all the while, the Holy Spirit was screaming at me to stop. But I kept on. It came crashing down on me 6 months later and the result was pain for everyone involved. I knew too, because I'd counseled other men in the same position, that once I crossed a line, there was no way out without hurting someone. I'd hurt the girl, or I'd hurt my wife. As it ended up, I hurt everyone when it went public. And I hurt them a lot worse than I could have ever imagined.  

This has been surprising to me. I would have had the immediate response that no, I'm not bothered by mistakes I made a long time ago. But on reflection, I certainly am bothered by some of them. Maybe I'd put this one at a 2 on the scale.