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ramblingstonobody · 8 months ago

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Cheers and Hiccups - May 7, 2023

I'm feeling incredibly proud of myself. Here's a beautiful list of why:

I'm signing my second publishing deal tomorrow at 10am. I'm so proud of myself for this one. The positives waves signing this will have on my life are going to be amazing.

I felt banging in a swim suit the other day - ass included. I don't know if I've ever looked in the mirror and actually liked the way my ass looked in a swim suit, so this was pretty cool. I think I'm just generally being nicer to myself and my body lately, and I think I literally look fitter as a result.

Tomorrow is 2 weeks of no drinking. There have been a couple of moments where I thought, "You could just have one..." but I'm really glad I've stuck with it. Curious to see how long I hold out. Currently have no real desire to drink aside from the social confidence it can give me. But I'll figure that out. It's a cool experiment to go out sober honestly.

I'm moving my body more consistently than I ever have I think. The whole not going two days in a row without moving has been a really helpful rule of thumb. If I don't work out one day, I plan my next day around getting movement in. I also have done evening workout a few times since I started this which I would normally never do. Love an occasional sunset hike or night run to mix things up.

Since starting Prozac, I truly haven't spiraled once. I'm feeling more in control of my emotions and my responses to life. I'll get upset about things, sure, but I truly never let it completely take me over the way that I always used to. It's like...I just know that the feeling will pass. That the moment will pass. That it'll all settle again eventually. So I can take this time to freak the fuck out - or I can feel the feeling and then start walking back towards center.

I've been snacking less and drinking more water. I went a little crazy there for a second ordering a bunch of candy and snacks and stuff. Honestly, I still ordered myself a slurpie and a gatorade last night. Also ate a bag of popcorn - but I actually don't feel too bad about popcorn as a snack. I think I could eat that everyday if I wanted. But while I was home, I made my Florence Omelet (yes, I just named it that), those chicken tacos and salmon with broccoli.

I've been taking my vitamins everyday for almost three weeks. My vitamins really are just my multivitamin, my Prozac and my hair and nails gummies. But then I also do my Meta-C with it. I'd like to add lion's mane in there. Maybe it would be worth getting a fish oil pill or something? Magnesium? Maybe I should do some research. Anyway, I'm fucking doing it. I'm taking my vitamins everyday like an adult. And it feels really good and makes me really proud.

I started a 7 day pilates challenge today, tried to lift Missy's 10lb weights for a bit, listened to a Daily Jay AND started a 7 day meditation course on the Calm app. I be tryin' some new shit! Realized I'd gotten charged for Calm and decided to just give it a go. It was really relaxing. Did the Jay one first and I actually really loved the message. Talked about fitting in vs belonging. I can really relate to that lately. Felt good to compare those different dispositions over the last couple weeks in different scenarios and being able to feel how much better it feels to simple be and belong and not have to try to change yourself to be whatever everyone else might want or need you to be. The pilates video was great. I actually really liked it. The instructor in the video is TINY and ripped, and I did find myself wishing I looked more like her, but you know what I also did? I thought, "I wouldn't want to be that skinny. Honestly. I like that I have an ass and a little meat on my bones." And that felt cool.

I bought a shit ton of fruit today for about 20 bucks. Ricky said last night that I should try snacking on fruit as a candy substitute, so I went and got some apples, bananas, sumo citrus & a big pack of little sweet plums. I could easily eat all of this in the next couple days, but I bet it could last me through to the weekend.

I actively tried to reach out to those two apartments today. I sent a handful of requests on Apartments.com, called the numbers, one of em twice, signed up for the text service, and then literally drove to them to try to get to the front office and talk to a real person. Granted - I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone haha. But I've now ruled those two out and am that much closer to finding my next home.

Here are a couple things I'm struggling with and would like to work through:

My skin is pretty angry right now. I know it's got to be from all of the candy I was eating. My period feels like an obvious culprit as well. Plus, I was in a different state, getting proper sun on my face for a few days. All this to say, all will be well. My skin will clear up. I've been drinking water like crazy and eating a lot healthier. I'm gonna add this to my list of things I'm proud of myself for.

I'm a little anxious about finding an apartment... But honestly, that's normal. Anyone who was in between homes would be stressed. And that's a common thing. You're going to find an apartment. You're going to be able to afford it. It's going to be fucking magical. She's somewhere out there right now waiting for me. The thing I kind of want to talk through more is the fact that most place require you to make three times the rent each month and that won't be possible for me. They'll also want paychecks for a few months back and I won't be able to provide that. But you know what, I'd just keep walking forward. I'd just call someone up and explain my situation and take the steps I need to take to get the answer I desire. All will be well.

Should I try to room with a couple girls? I'm honestly just not sure on this one. I don't want to, but if it was cheaper and easier to get approved, I could be open to it. I'd just need to not be afraid to make it my space too.

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ramblingstonobody · 8 months ago

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It’s about 1am and I can’t sleep and I was just thinking…

Thinking about how I sat with him that day and asked him to teach me football, how I bought that book about it.

Thinking about wanting to learn chess — even though it fucking stressed me out every time and made me feel incredibly inferior.

And thinking about how eventually I kind of stopped trying to like the things he liked.

Because he never seemed to try to like the things I like.

He and I have a beautiful chemistry. That’s undeniable I think.

But I need to be honest with myself about the ways we were not compatible. The ways he wasn’t the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

For one, I want a man who wants to marry me. Who wants to give me a fucking fairytale. Who believes in our love so much that he bets on it as many ways as he can.

I know me attempting to get good at chess or trying to understand football is not the same as him giving me marriage or a family…

But…god, as much as I love him, I think he’s been incredibly selfish here.

And the truth is…we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be. We’re not supposed to be together right now, and I have some serious growing up to do.

But I think it was selfish of him to be so…naive. For him to think we were going to be able to just glide right along into his old age without me ever actually living a life I deserved.

I think love is delusional. And I don’t think that necessarily has to be a bad thing. But it’s a true thing.

But if love is a delusion, it requires belief to exist.

I think that’s why people make a big deal out of it. The bigger it is, the more belief you put into it. We’re not just roommates, we’re husband and wife. We’re tied to one another. This thing is big. This thing is everlasting.

Every time he said something about it growing old together, I believed it. And it made me believe it more.

This is what love calls for I think. I think…

I’m not sure how to exist around him without it hurting my healing process. Without me wanting to heal for him.

But then a part of me wonders…But what if he’s the one? What if he really is a part of the whole thing and you healing to make it back into his arms isn’t such a bad thing?

I want to see a psychic.

But part of me feels like I must know the right thing to do…

I just don’t want to stay stuck.

I wish I was 30 already.

I wish I was three years wiser and three years farther from all of this.

*sigh*

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