#i've been wanting to say something forever

[naamahdarling]

I agree. I've been thinking about this so much, and I'm so frustrated with it, because there's a point at which I have to concede that when it comes to some things, there is no answer that lives up to my ideals.

I also think the rejection of the word "reform" in favor of "abolition" is partly due to how we have seen efforts to "reform" things go absolutely nowhere but to the bank with taxpayer money to cut a fat check to police departments that they use for "training" and body cams that then do fuckall. If that's reform, I want to kill that, too.

I am in favor of making prison as we know it (a locus of abuse and injustice that is in no way oriented towards helping anyone at all, as well as a source of legal slave labor) go away. Forever. So I have asked people the prison abolition questions. I have never gotten an answer beyond "we will support victims and with the measures we want to put into place there will be fewer offenders." Good. Okay. I want that, for sure. You have my full support. I get lost when I run into "That's a distraction." It isn't. I'm not saying we refuse to work on this until every bit of it is hammered out. I'm saying it very much is something we will need to grapple with, and it's actually a major thing because how we handle extreme cases of ANYTHING is THE purest form of principles.

It isn't a gotcha to say "if you do not have a plan for non-lethally dealing with people like Jeffrey Dahmer, because people like that exist and will continue to do so, you do not have a fully realized plan, you have some really good ideas that I already support."

"I don't know, we are working on that, it's an issue, we have a lot of ground to cover before then, and some of that ground will undoubtedly point us at some of those answers" is kind of where I fall, and it is a lot more honest than what I usually get, which is "Well, YOU need to imagine what that looks like, what do YOU think? This is for YOU, and all of us, to come up with. But don't ask about extreme outliers, that just shows you support the status quo and want alternatives to fail."

That isn't an answer that goes anywhere. Because I have thought about it extensively. And my answer is "putting them someplace pleasant that they can't leave, where they can't ever hurt anyone, and caring for them, all the while watching them like a hawk for the rest of their lives, because they simply cannot be allowed what we would call true freedom".

No community I know of is capable of managing someone like that while allowing them to go free, nor should the burden of that risk be placed on any community. I wouldn't consent to having someone like that living in my community, and one dissenting vote should be enough to keep them out, shouldn't it? And if they just cut and run, well. The next community maybe won't even know they're there until they do something that could have been prevented. Whose community in the first place? The one where they offended? Because that's...that's actually not okay. Which one, if there were several?

Outliers exist and have to be considered, because if you don't, you wind up with vigilante justice out of self-defense, or a string of inexcusable, monstrous acts continuing unopposed until the person dies, but the victims, or whoever is left who loved them, at least get "support."

I don't want to say "I support reform" because my god does that ever sound lukewarm at best. But I don't have a plan for the parts of abolition that don't already overlap with reform.

I want a word for "reform" that means "we are incredibly pissed off and we do intend to tear this apart beyond the point of recognition and make something new" but that can't happen in one stroke. At the very least, there are going to be long transitional periods while we restructure shit and get people used to the new ways of doing things.

I don't like all my answers, but I haven't been presented with anything better. I want to be. But some people get really pissed when I genuinely ask them to please show me a better way that I can actually believe in.

The other reason I'm generally annoyed with the "Abolish X" crowd who actually DO mean "abolish X" and not a watered-down version is that ime they very rarely have fully thought out the implications of what they're demanding and then get angry when other people ask about it.

"Family abolition means completely removing legal ties for family units and allowing all children the choice of where they live" okay. So if I see a three-year-old throwing a fit because she doesn't want to leave the park, and I go over and tell her if she comes home with me she can stay as long as she likes and then we'll get McDonald's on the way home, that three-year-old should have the ability to make that decision? The parent or guardian has no legal recourse to stop me from taking her? Cause if the answer's no, that's not abolition, that's reform baby!

"I'm done talking about what we'll do with rapists and murderers after we abolish prisons, it's all anybody ever wants to talk about!" Well yeah man! 98% of people just interpreted your words as "we're going to let murderers roam around killing people at will"! You need to explain very clearly what plans you have that will stop them that aren't incarceration or you're not going to make any headway! And if your answer involves any form of "well of course SOME people can't be allowed total freedom" - that's not abolition, that's reform baby!

I'm not even gonna touch the number of people who think we should abolish the police and replace them with what are essentially roaming squads of vigilantes dispensing "community justice", whatever the fuck that means.

Like these aren't "gotcha" questions, they're legitimate problems you're going to have to contend with. And if you wave away all these questions with "you're just making up ridiculous scenarios" and "we'll think of something to fix that once we destroy the current system", then yeah actually, I DO think you care more about sounding radical than about making any kind of change.

[viasdiary]

can you write inexperienced luigi asking the reader to get him ready for college, like taking his virginity

☆ be my first (luigi mangione x reader)

☆ word count: 2.1k

☆ warnings: smut, crying, overstimulation, unprotected sex, barely proofread

☆ inexperienced luigi who tutored you through high school asks you to take his virginity before he goes off to college.

it’s late afternoon, and you’ve just stepped out of the shower when your phone rings. you see it’s luigi calling, and you answer almost instantly.

"hey," he greets you, his voice warm and familiar.

"hey, lu," you reply, a grin spreading across your face. "it's been, like, forever since we talked."

"i know," he says softly, and you can almost hear the smile in his voice, maybe even picture the slight blush creeping across his cheeks.

"what’s up?" you ask, curious.

his voice shifts slightly, a little hesitant, like he’s preparing for something important.

"i was wondering if i could come over later… i just have something i need some help with," he admits, sounding almost embarrassed.

"yeah, of course," you respond, offering him a reassuring tone.

"thanks," he breathes out, sounding relieved. "it means a lot. i'll see you later, then."

the hours stretch on as you wait for him to arrive. time feels like it’s moving agonizingly slow. you try to distract yourself, but your mind keeps drifting back to the upcoming visit. you haven't seen luigi in so long. you lay on your couch, looking out the large front window at the setting sun, golden light streaming into your small living room.

when the doorbell finally rings, you get up, take a deep breath to calm your racing thoughts. you open the door, and there he is.

luigi stands on your doorstep, looking even more handsome than usual, his usual nervous energy written all over him. his dark curls are slightly tousled, and he’s wearing a simple white t-shirt and baggy jeans. his nervous fidgeting only makes him more endearing.

"hey," you greet him casually, trying to hide the rush of emotions swirling inside you.

"hey," he replies, his voice a little shaky, but his smile is warm. he steps over the threshold, and you gesture for him to sit down on the couch. you sit next to him, maintaining a little space between you, trying to let the air settle between you both.

an awkward silence falls over you two. you both seem to be searching for the right words. then, with a small sigh, you decide to break the ice.

"so, what did you need help with?" you ask, keeping your voice light but curious.

luigi takes a moment, his eyes flitting around the room before he finally speaks up. "i was wondering if you could help me… with something personal."

you nod, trying not to look too puzzled, though a small knot of curiosity tightens in your chest.

"uh, sure," you say, your voice calm, but your mind is already racing with possibilities.

"what is it?"

he hesitates for a moment, then seems to gather the courage to say it.

"i want to lose my virginity before i leave for college," he blurts out, his voice barely above a whisper.

you're caught off guard. the vulnerability in his words hits you hard. you never expected him to say something like that, especially not about you.

all the moments you’d shared, those study sessions, the way he'd always been there to help—did they mean something more to him all along? you’re suddenly overwhelmed with a mix of confusion and honor that he’s chosen you for such a deeply personal request.

“where is this even coming from?” you ask, still reeling from the shock. luigi's cheeks flush, and his eyes dart nervously to the side.

"i've always kinda had feelings for you," he admits, almost shyly. "but i was too scared to say anything before. and now that i’m leaving… i just don't want to go without having experienced this with someone i trust. someone who means a lot to me."

your heart races as you process his words. all those times he’d gone out of his way to help you, to be there for you, had it been more than just friendship all along?

"are you sure about this, lu?" you ask softly, your voice gentle, your hand unconsciously reaching out to touch his arm. "this is a big step. i don't want you to feel like you have to do it just because you're leaving." he looks at you, his expression more determined now, his voice steadier. "i’ve thought about it a lot. i’m sure."

a mix of emotions swells inside you—nervousness, excitement, and something deeper you can't quite put your finger on. this is a big moment, but you can tell he’s thought it through.

"okay," you say softly, your voice barely above a whisper. you gently place your hand on his arm, a comforting touch as you stand up and guide him down the hallway to your room.

there's no turning back now, and as you walk together, you know this moment will change everything between the two of you.

once in your room, you close the door, and the air becomes thick with anticipation. he takes a seat on the bed, looking nervous and unsure, so you move closer to him, trying to calm his nerves.

"we don't have to do anything you don't want to," you assure him.

"we can stop anytime, just-"

"no," he interrupts you, sounding firmer than usual.

"i want this, i want you to be my first"

there's an unspoken need in his voice, and you can tell he's serious. he places his hand on your thigh as he speaks, looking you deeply in the eyes.

you bite your lip to hold back the words that want to spill out. you want him, too.

he looks at you, his expression a mixture of nervousness and need, and you can't help but smile. you reach out and touch his cheek gently, feeling the heat rising under your fingertips.

you lean in slowly, giving him time to stop you, but he doesn’t. you press your lips to his, the kiss soft and tentative at first, then growing more passionate as he returns it. his hands slide up your back, pulling you closer, and you melt into the kiss, your arms wrapping around his neck. he finds his way on top of you as you embrace him, his weight slightly pressing you into the mattress.

your bodies press together, and you can feel the heat building between you. your hands wander across his back, sliding underneath his shirt, feeling his skin warm and soft against yours. you pull his shirt off, letting it fall to the floor, then run your fingers across his bare chest, tracing shapes around his freckles. he shivers at the contact. you part your lips and break the kiss.

"is this okay?" you ask, a whisper against his skin. his voice is low and desperate, his words coming out in a rush.

"god, yes," he says, his hands moving over your body, exploring every curve.

he slides his hands up the hem of your shirt, his fingers brushing against the soft skin of your stomach. you lift your arms, allowing him to remove your shirt and toss it aside.

his hands continue exploring your body, and you feel a growing warmth between your legs. he cups one of your breasts, gently massaging the sensitive flesh. you arch into his touch, and he leans down, his lips brushing against the shell of your ear.

"god, you're so beautiful," he whispers.

you moan softly, your fingers tangling in his curls, pulling him closer. you move your hips forward, grinding against him, eliciting a groan from him.

"you know how long i've wanted to do this?" he breathes "god, all the times you were in my room studying, i was so hard just fucking looking at you"

"shut up," you say, feeling a grin spreading across your face.

"i'm fuckin' serious," he says smiling against your skin

he begins to plant kisses down your neck and along your collarbone, his tongue flicking across the sensitive skin.

"fuck," you moan, your hips bucking against him.

"i've been waiting. so. long," he says, punctuating each word with a kiss.

you grip his shoulders, holding him close. he continues his exploration, trailing kisses across your chest, his hands sliding up your back.

his hands find the clasp of your bra, undoing it easily. he slides the straps off your shoulders, tossing it aside. he cups your breasts, his thumbs brushing against the hard nipples, drawing a gasp from your lips.

"is this alright?" he asks, his voice low and uncertain. you bite your lip and nod, arching into his touch. he's a virgin, but he knows exactly what to do.

he leans down and takes one of your nipples in his mouth, sucking gently. you moan, tangling your fingers in his hair. he moves his hands down, cupping your ass, pulling you closer.

"god, luigi," you gasp, the feeling of his tongue on your skin driving you crazy.

he smiles against your skin, his eyes dark and hungry. he begins to tug at the waistband of your pants, and you eagerly lift your hips, letting him slide them off. he tosses them aside, his gaze never leaving yours.

"so fuckin' gorgeous," he murmurs, his hands roaming across your bare skin.

he slides a hand down the front of your underwear, and you gasp as his fingers brush against your clit.

"luigi," you moan, arching into his touch.

"you want this, don't you?" he asks, his voice soft and gentle. you nod, feeling the wetness pooling between your legs. he presses his thumb against your clit, sending a wave of pleasure through your body. you cry out, gripping his shoulders tightly. he slides a finger inside you, curling it slightly.

"yes," you gasp, your hips moving against him.

"tell me," he groans.

"i want you, luigi," you moan, your voice needy. "i want you so bad." he withdraws his hand, and you whimper at the loss of contact. he strips off his remaining clothes, and you admire his toned body and his delicately placed freckles. he kneels between your legs, his hands sliding up your thighs.

he positions himself at your entrance, and you moan softly, desperate for him to be inside you.

"please," you whimper.

"i need you."

he enters you slowly, a whine escaping his lips. he'd never felt pleasure so intense before. you're both overcome with the feeling of each other. you wrap your legs around his waist, pulling him closer.

"fuck," he groans, burying his face in the crook of your neck. he thrusts into you slowly, taking his time. you're both lost in the sensation, your bodies pressed together.

"oh god, luigi," you moan, raking your nails down his back.

"you feel so fuckin' good," he says, his voice a low moan.

you feel yourself tightening around him. he thrusts harder, hitting just the right spot.

"fuck," you cry out, clinging to him desperately.

"god, i'm gonna cum," he gasps, his hips moving faster. you could feel his need, his desire for you, his love.

"let go, baby," you whisper, cupping his face in your hands. "i've got you."

he finishes with a cry, burying his face in your neck, his body trembling with pleasure.

"jesus," he says, his breathing ragged. he collapses on top of you, and you hold him close, running your fingers through his soft curls.

"did you finish?" he asks, still breathless.

"no," you reply, feeling a little embarrassed. "can we keep going?"

he looks down at you, his expression one of pure bliss.

"god, yes," he says with a soft chuckle.

he kisses you hungrily, his hands roaming across your body. he reaches down, circling your clit with his thumb.

"oh god," you moan, arching into his touch. he keeps thrusting into you, and you feel him shaking and overstimulated

"you're so fuckin' tight," he says softly.

you cling to him, the pressure building inside you. you're both teetering on the edge again, the sensation overwhelming.

"oh fuck, luigi," you gasp, your nails digging into his back. he's trembling as he pounds into you relentlessly, you can feel him crying against your chest.

"i love you," he whimpers.

"oh god, i love you too."

it hits you suddenly, the orgasm ripping through your body. you cry out, clinging to him, your entire body shaking.

"god, yes," he groans, his hips stuttering. he comes undone, spilling inside you once again.

you're both spent, sweaty, and breathing hard. he pulls out and rolls onto his back, his chest heaving.

"fuck,"

he mutters.

"god, you were amazing."

[nadas-dirthalen]

Societal Change in Dragon Age: the Veilguard

I've seen a lot of posts about how Veilguard doesn't really "move the needle" with Thedas' politics, so to speak. While this isn't a callout of any specific one of them (note the lack of links! this isn't about anyone), I wanted to talk about some changes I saw during my first two runs of Veilguard.

I also want to say that a lot of the changes we saw happen in the world of Inquisition also did not involve direct input from the Inquisitor. Dorian, for instance, was always going to go back to Tevinter and make change. The mage-templar war reaches a peaceful(ish) ending no matter which side the Inquisitor chooses to back. The Chantry moves forward after Justinia's death no matter who becomes Divine. The nobles are mad no matter who is made emperor/empress of Orlais. The Dalish flock to Fen'Harel after Trespasser no matter what.

That said... here's what I can remember off the top of my head.

Arlathan Forest and the Elves:

The Dalish got their land back. While the real-world Land Back movement is (obviously!) far more complex and far-reaching than can be portrayed within a companion quest in a video game, the fact remains: in my playthrough, not only did the Veil Jumpers (and by extension, the Dalish) get Arlathan Forest back, the magic there also stabilized.

The elves potentially also get their ancient knowledge back. Depending on what you chose for the Nadas Dirthalen, the Dalish potentially got a lot of their old technology and knowledge back, potentially putting them even further ahead in terms of magical technology than Tevinter in some areas.

... Or the Veil Jumpers chose a different path forward for the elves. If the Nadas Dirthalen was kept hidden, Rook and Bellara chose a path where the Dalish refuse to become like their predecessors, forever changing the path of Dalish reclamation efforts. The Dalish, then, become something other than what their ancestors were. Either way, the Dalish are significantly impacted.

(if the griffons were given back to Arlathan) An apex predator was returned to Arlathan. If you want to read more about how cool of a change this is, I suggest reading about how cool it is that wolves were reintroduced to Yellowstone.

Kal-Sharok, Orzammar, and the Dwarves:

The titans' history has been remembered. Remember in Descent where it was said very prominently that Orzammar had struck all memories of the titans? That something political was motivating how the titans were entirely forgotten about? Now, thanks to the events of Veilguard, there is no turning back. No amount of suppression can make the world forget the titans now.

DWARVES. HAVE. MAGIC. NOW. Read that ending slide again! "The dwarven people rediscovering their lost magic, and their connection to the Stone." This is something the dwarven people have not had for literal millennia, and it's thanks to ROOK and HARDING that this change has taken root! Not Valta, but Rook!

Kal-Sharok continues to become more known to the world after being sealed off. We continue to get closer to understanding exactly what happened to Kal-Sharok after it was sealed off, and this is going to inform our understanding of the titans and the blight even more as time goes on.

Healing the titans has huge implications for the existence of red lyrium. Between Solas doing what he can (in his good endings) to soothe the blight's anger and (more importantly) dwarves connected to the Stone like Harding doing work to soothe the titans' anger on Thedas itself, we will likely see red lyrium gradually fade away all across Thedas.

The caste system of the dwarves is likely to be impacted by recent revelations. Regardless of what, exactly, is chosen going forward, it is clear the dwarves will take a good look at their own beliefs and practices about the Stone now that the truth about the titans has come to light. Their feelings about surface dwarves versus those who live purely underground are likely to be impacted here! I can't wait to see dwarf politics in DA5!

The Grey Wardens & Weisshaupt:

The Wardens don't hear the Calling anymore thanks to Rook's actions. You know... the thing that defines the life of a Warden? The thing that shortens their lifespan? That's gone. This has been a PILLAR of their organization since Origins, and the absence of the Calling is absolutely going to lead to massive change within the Wardens.

The blight is less virulent—AKA, it is greatly weakened, and has died in some parts of Thedas. Yes, completely. Read that again. Read that as many times as it takes for it to sink in. The blight has been a huge, looming threat for over one thousand years. For the first time ever, it is on its way out. Perhaps for good.

For the first time, new growth is coming back to the Anderfels and other blighted areas on Thedas. Discovering this—and keeping the Wardens alive long enough to discover this—is forever going to change the directives of the Wardens and the lands that were previously too blighted to thrive. The Anderfels, we know, are coming back to life—but some other zones that come to mind here are the Silent Plains, parts of Antiva, Denerim... anywhere a Blight ended in the past, or anywhere that the blight completely overtook in the past.

Minrathous:

An abolitionist sits on the Archon's throne!!! For the first time ever, someone who wants to end slavery is the head of Tevinter government. This is a huge step forward for the movement to end Tevinter slavery, which has had to exist in the shadows more or less until now (which we see even in the upper echelons of the altus class, in Maevaris, who was kicked out of the Magisterium for her anti-slavery views).

The blight died in Minrathous when Elgar'nan was slain. Not just eased. Died. Because Minrathous was the epicenter for what happened to the Veil and the blight at the time, all blight in the city is dead. This proves that the blight can truly be ended, as well as cured. That's not secret knowledge anymore, if all of Minrathous knows it.

Treviso:

The Crows have been changed by Teia and Viago's actions during Veilguard. No matter if Treviso is blighted or not, Teia and Viago have brought the Crows into a different sphere than perhaps they were under Talons like Aranai in Origins. The Crows have a direct part to play not just in the governance of Antiva (which we knew about) but the governance of individual cities and even the organization of Antiva's military power. This was less prevalent before Veilguard (because we weren't in Antiva, but also because Antiva didn't have a Blight to defend against), but now that the Crows have stood against the Final Blight, there's no going back from the precedent their actions have set.

The Crows have a new First Talon—one who will undoubtedly bring reform. While Lucanis is no stranger to murder and there's no doubt in my mind that the Crows will continue doing just that, Teia and Viago now have a lot more pull within the Crows (and their humanitarian efforts by extension) because one of their closest allies is now First Talon.

Rivain & the Antaam:

An influx of former Antaam are potentially joining the existing Qunari in Rivain. By appealing to Antaam deserters, Taash and their allies are showing that there is a life possible for kossith (Qunari) outside of the teachings of the Qun—without attacking/invading under the orders of the Arishok. We have not seen this on this grand a scale before, and it will be fascinating to see what ripple effect this has on the rest of Qunari culture.

There is a gap left by the Antaam within Qunari society, too. While not tackled upfront in Veilguard, the fact remains that one of the three pillars of Qunari society left the Qun. Whether this is the entirety of the Antaam or a significant part of its forces, I don't know, but this will have destabilized the Qunari and will open the way for a lot of questions and change within their own society, too.

Knowledge about the adaari and about who the Qunari were before Thedas is emerging. We've seen with the elves and dwarves that when this kind of history is revealed over time, great changes happen within societies in Thedas. I can't wait to see what that means for the kossith/Qunari!

The Necropolis & the Mourn Watch:

The Mourn Watch are aware that an entire lineage of people on Thedas were spirits that took physical shape by crafting bodies made of lyrium. Knowledge of spirits has tremendously shifted. This changes the understanding of what a spirit even is, versus the soul of a living person.

(if Manfred is alive) It is increasingly apparent that spirits "grow" and mature in the same way that living children do, becoming more complex over time. This has big implications for the recognition of spirits as their own sort of people—not just in Nevarra, but everywhere.

It will soon become more common knowledge that the existence of the Veil is what ended elven immortality. This changes everything that the Mourn Watch knows about what mortality even is!

With the blight less virulent, it is possible that other cultures in Thedas start burying their dead, rather than cremating them. This could lead to a widespread rise in necromancy and/or Nevarran belief!

Orlais:

Orlais endured a rebellion of its noble class. While we can presume that their monarch survived it (and therefore probably cemented themselves as an effective leader, surviving the Final Blight and rebellion), there is just as much to be said for if they did not survive it (which would throw Orlais into political turmoil all over again). Either way, Orlais looks different as a political power going forward.

Val Royeaux—the seat of the Southern Chantry and its Divine—fell. While listed as under rebel control, I think there is just as much to be said here: the Orlesian people were likely shaken by the fall of Val Royeaux, and combined with the knowledge that will come of the Evanuris, the titans, and the Andrastian faith after the events of Veilguard, I can see a shift in how Andrastianism is perceived in Orlais, and the South as a whole.

Ferelden:

The Chasind and Avvar have allied themselves with Fereldan leaders, a shift from their former lives secluded from other Fereldan humans after a prior history of conflict with them.

Fereldan made an attempt at peace with Orlais. Whether this attempt was answered remains unclear due to communication difficulties during the worst of the Final Blight, but the Fereldan envoys were not attacked outright. This suggests that tensions between Ferelden and Orlais cooled, if even a little bit. However, it is unclear if this will remain true, given that Orlais might be in a weaker position than Ferelden due to this late lapse in communication.

Free Marches:

The Free Marches united under Prince Vael. From a quick look at the wiki, it's been 700 years since unification was even attempted.

The Free Marches fared better against the Blight than Orlais and Ferelden, and were even marching south to lend aid to Ferelden by the game's finale.

__

And there you have it! That's what I can think of that has changed in Thedas, either because of Rook or not because of Rook, in Veilguard. And again: many changes in Inquisition were either not the Inquisitor's choice (like Dorian going home, or the truth of the Evanuris being revealed over time) or did not have consequences that led into the next game (even in DAI's epilogue, before Veilguard, the nobles are upset whether Celene or Gaspard are on the throne).

But one thing is true: whether you enjoyed Veilguard or not, it is not true that nothing happened during the game. Much did! The Veil may not have come down, and Rook may not have had an omniscient perspective looking down on Thedas at changes outside their immediate scope, but the world did change around them.

[lavenderprose]

Also, on a hornier note, please tell me more about the Mary Shelly thing? 😉

Assuming you're asking about the Emmrook version of events floating around my head and not the actual story about Mary Shelley losing her virginity on her mother's grave (This is a story I heard a long time ago and might be an urban legend/exaggeration of history. God I hope it's not it's the gothest thing I've ever heard. Either way, cannot be assed to check) Here's how it goes:

After a few nice garden picnics with Emmrich, during which Rook always takes a moment to pay her respects to Emmrich's parents--because she's a Mourn Watcher through and through, and when your in-laws aren't alive to have Family Sundays with, you make due by putting flowers on their grave and politely NOT bonking their son within eyesight of their headstones--the subject of Rook's origin story comes up. Maybe organically, maybe Emmrich's curious about her last name but he's been too polite up til now. Maybe the curiosity has been burning a visible fucking hole in his chest and Rook finally sighs and braces herself and says, "Go ahead and ask," and Emmrich, despite himself, launches into Twenty Questions Mode.

Either way.

"I know almost nothing about myself," is what Rook tells him, and she's made her peace with it long ago, but the sight of his sad eyes makes the old, stale heartache attempt to rise in her again. "No, don't do that. Don't pity me. I don't really care who I started life out as. What matters is who I am now."

"Rook," he says, and it's a statement. He's so intuitive that way. Yes, she's Rook, and that's who she chooses to be every day when she wakes up in the morning. If she tires of it, she'll tell him and they'll go from there. They've probably had this conversation before. Then he says, "I'm curious, dearest--"

"I'm shocked," she teases, and he tuts.

"Curious about the name," Emmrich sighs, and shifts into something she likes to call lecture mode, though it looks a bit ridiculous when he's sitting there on his own boot heels, hands folded in his lap like an eager and precocious boy. "The name Ingellvar is classic Navarran, of noble origin, though the family line has been extinct for over a century. Foundlings aren't uncommon in the Necropolis, and the naming conventions are rather specific. I was wondering--"

"Do you want to see it?" she asks, and leans herself onto his lap. He, as always, simpers to find himself full of her. "I know where it is. Been there a few times over the years. I'll show you the grave where they found me."

"I would quite like that," says Emmrich, so she takes him there.

The upper levels of the Necropolis are sometimes oppulent and sometimes just as dusty and ominous as their lower counterparts. They tend not to shift around as much, but there's no guarantee that anything in the Necropolis will stay in one place forever. Rook keeps track of this particular row of Sarcophagi, for obvious reasons. Several of the most important Nevarrans of the Blessed Age are interred here. Accordingly, it is beautiful and well-lit. The stones under their feet are neatly cobbled and the air is floral.

"They found me there," Rook says, pointing to a particular grave. A low, flat sarcophagus. The epitaph, huge and vaguely glowing even all these years after the initial enchantment:

HERE IS LAID TO REST WILHEM INGELLVAR COUNT OF RUNDEL. GREAT-GRANDSON OF KING BERTRAND PENTAGHAST. HUSBAND AND FATHER. HIS BONES WILL SERVE AS HE DID IN LIFE AS HIS SPIRIT WALKS BY THE MAKER'S SIDE.

It continues in that vein all down the sarcophagus, Nevarran patriotism and Andraste. Rook could recite it all from memory.

"Why this grave, I wonder," Emmrich mumbles.

"No idea," Rook says, which is true, and then, "Haven't really thought about it," which is the biggest, fattest lie she's ever told him.

Emmrich knows it too, because he looks at her and raises his eyebrow.

"Anyway." She slides herself onto the surface of the sarcophagus, which is polished to an almost reflective sheen. "Here's where they found me. Screaming, crying, wah-wah-feed-me." She falls onto her back, legs curled up towards her chest in a mockery of an infant. She wiggles her feet and her eyebrows in his direction. "I was smaller then."

"Evidently," Emmrich says, dryly, and sits down on the end of the sarcophagus. He glances around and, almost to himself, muses, "This chamber is quite busy, comparatively. It's popular for tourists, and close enough to the surface to be part of the Mortalitasi's regular rounds. Whomever put you here must have intended for you to be found."

"Whatever," Rook sighs, and drapes her legs over his lap. "I screamed and screamed until they found me. And the rest is history." She toes off one of her boots. "I have a fun story to tell you."

Emmrich visibly chooses not to address the flippancy with which she thinks of her own origin. Someday, maybe in a few years, she'll wake up in the middle of the night. She'll stumble like one of the dead into another bedroom in their top-level Necropolis townhouse and cling their newborn son to her body. When Emmrich finds her after waking to a cold bed, she'll look at him and with a voice like her own throat is haunted say, "Did she hate me enough to get rid of me? Or love me enough to let me go?" And he'll know she's talking about her own mother. And they'll start looking.

Here, on this day, she isn't yet a mother unless you count fire-slinging skeleton sons. Here, on this day, she plants her socked heel against Emmrich's crotch and curls her toes and says, "Once upon a time, there was a woman, and she was in love with a very beautiful and spooky man, and one time that very beautiful and spooky man fucked her in a sarcophagus and now she can't look at one without--"

"Darling," Emmrich gasps, and wraps his hand around her ankle and very decidedly does not move it. He'd put bangles there, and a chain that disappears into her sock and connects one of the bangles to a thin band that lives underneath the knuckle of her largest toe, and when he did so he looked at her with dark eyes and then did something with his mouth that she still thinks about at least once a day. "This isn't...very respectful of the noble dead."

God, she loves him.

"You've fucked me worse places. Besides, this guy," Rook slaps the surface of the sarcophagus, "was a huge monarchist asshole who's probably been spinning in his grave for the past thirty years because of the little elf girl running around with his last name tacked onto her. Maybe one of these days he'll stop spinning because I'll have a different last name." She's only a little amused that that's what makes Emmrich's cock jump against the sole of her foot.

"Dearest," he says, still consciously sitting still for what her foot is doing, "This really is a very highly trafficked area."

"Good," she says, low and slow.

"Oh," he sighs, and he sounds almost annoyed, like ink has dripped onto his favorite shirt, but he's moving to kneel between her thighs now, pressing her back into the relative concealment of the large flower bushes flanking the sarcophagus. A bit of privacy, such as it is.

"Whatever shall I do with you?" Emmrich asks, even as he shoves clothing aside. He takes off his coat and pillows her head with it, then pulls his shirttails out as some weird attempt at modesty, and she laughs until she feels him inside her.

"You'll figure something out," she tells him.

Emmrich Volkarin, the latest in a long line of esteemed Mortalitasi to be presented with a strange foundling discovered on a long-deceased noble's grave, smiles and makes love to her.

[uncle-fruity]

I've been the white person getting called racist and not understanding why, and I know how easy it is to feel defensive or flustered or guilty, but what the folks above are saying is 100% true. I've got an anecdote that I hope might be helpful for some fellow white folks to hear.

I was once at a house show and a black woman complimented my eyes, which are a very bright blue. I get that compliment a lot, and I get tired of hearing it but I also understand that people are just being nice, so I sought to amuse myself by responding with a joke. When this black woman complimented my eyes, I said, "Thank you! I'm borrowing them from a witch!" I'd only just started using this joke response in the last couple months. Just a little attempt at fantasy humor. Well, this woman got angry and called me racist in response. I was baffled, and she didn't really elaborate except to say something about witches and white people. I didn't understand, but I said sorry and let her be, as she did not seem interested in talking about it. I felt bad, and even worse that my gut reaction was, "How was that racist?"

Well, I never found out. I went home, I looked it up, I couldn't find anything. Google gave me nothing of use. I asked some friends I had, but they were just as confused as me. Even though nothing was coming up, I've more or less stopped using that joke just in case I'm missing something -- until I get more insight, at least. If anyone knows what she might have been reacting to, I would seriously appreciate a source for the information.

But I bring this up because this was one of those moments where I had to accept that I might just be the racist jerk at the house show in her mind forever, that she had a right to be mad about any perceived racism, and that I had to be okay with that. It isn't her job to unpack whether I'm actually a good person who's really trying my best. It isn't her job to get me up to speed, especially if she feels like I was trying to make a jab at her when she was just saying something nice. There are already a million and one white jerks who will ask black folks to defend their reasons for calling someone racist and demand an academic level contextualization, as if they're on trial and need proof, and not nearly enough of us who take the initiative to learn it ourselves.

There are academic papers. There are books. There are video essays. There are historical documents directly representing the sentiments & racist narratives of the time they came from. There are non-white people who have been writing and speaking about their experiences with racism for years and years and years and years. And there are people talking about it today, on this very website, and it's okay to just read & listen and to look things up if they confuse you or you need more context. A variety of sources will help you see the issue more fully.

Because the truth is that a lot of things that white people consider just part of "regular society" are baked in racism. The more you learn about racism and the history of racism and the ways racism has manifested over the years, the more you realize how much of that racism is embedded in our culture even in unassuming, casual ways. If you take time to learn about what racism really looks like, you can be more confident in your ability to avoid acts of racism. So if not wanting to be The Racist or not wanting to feel guilty about a Racist Action You Did is a real concern, the best remedy is to learn about it and try to see the ways you might be prone to perpetuating it. And when in doubt? Assume that a person of color knows more about what racism looks and feels like than you do. Reduce harm by resisting making defensive arguments to explain racism away, and just keep pursuing answers for your questions and discomfort by listening.

I highly recommend reading Ibram X. Kendi's work as a starting point, because he lays out the foundational stuff really well. I read How to Raise an Antiracist, but he also wrote a book targeted at adult learning called How to Be an Antiracist. One thing from his work that was helpful for me to internalize was that antiracism is an action, as is racism. No one is born A Racist -- it is not inherent to anyone. It is not an identity. It is learned and it is acted upon. Just so, antiracist is not an identity, but rather an action. If you care about being seen as One Of The Good White People, you will need to do the work to become one, and by the time you've done the work to become one, you will realize that that's not how it works. There is always work to do and how antiracist you are depends on what antiracist actions you take, not how antiracist your intentions were. You cannot simply say that you believe in racial equality without showing up for it. Racism is an action you take. Antiracism is an action you take. Doing nothing is still a choice, and it is a choice that tends to favor racism in practice. Learning more about racism as a topic and especially going out of your way to reflect when you've been called racist -- how you're going to better understand and better your actions -- are two very good antiracist actions that you can do for free.

And while you learn, just, know that it'll be uncomfortable and take some effort to unlearn everything. You might feel some kind of way about stuff -- parts of culture that you connected with and are only just now realize have racist tones. It's bad. It's really bad and a lot of our family members present & past do or did terribly racist things. You have probably done something racist. It's possible that you're going to do something racist in the future. It's uncomfortable to acknowledge, but we will never change if we can't accept that we need to put in the effort and do better. And we can't know how to do better or look out for non-white folks if we don't actively learn.

Sorry this got so long. I hope it is a productive addition to the conversation.

listen. white people. LISTEN to me. if a person of color yells you that you did or said something racist the appropriate response is to go "oh shit, sorry" and maybe MAYBE a follow up of "can you elaborate" if you dont understand why and thats. IT. we do not need elaborate prose about how sorry you are or how grateful you are for us telling you or how youre working on unlearning it or whatever. JUST SAY SORRY AND DONT DO IT AGAIN THATS IT ❤️

[utilitycaster]

thank you so much for your analysis on BH, Ive been thinking for ages that they seemed like the wrong fit for this particular campaign and it's nice to see that I'm not alone. It kinda baffled me that even knowing the crux of the campaign was going to be about the fate of the gods, Matt didn't like... just tell the cast that their characters opinion on divinity would be important?

I really feel like this plot needed more religious characters, even if they weren't outright clerics or paladins. The only one filling that role is Sam and while I love him and FCG his approach to religion seems kinda... cynical? shallow? Possibly just more focused on the goofs of it all. Which is a fine choice in a vacuum but god, what I wouldn't do for this party to have a Caduceus or even a Vax figure so it didn't feel like a bunch of agnostics were deciding the fate of religion.

So here's my opinion, and I've said this before: I agree that making characters who had a coherent, developed opinion on divinity before the campaign that was discussed as part of the character build is important...but I actually don't think it matters if there's no clerics or paladins or even religious characters. I also said this before: my ultimate problem, in the end, is not just the indecision but the fact that they're not even exploring indecision; they just are drifting through a narrative from which they feel disconnected. I as a person viewing the show think killing the gods is a dumb idea, but a campaign in which the characters confidently embraced an anti-god position and took actions in the service of that goal would be infinitely more enjoyable. I do not need characters to live out my personal values, because I do that in my real life, in the same way that I can enjoy characters who are vastly different than I in personality.

I think Keyleth is a fantastic example of both indecision as an actual conscious character trait (during Campaign 1) and a character who is not religious or even particularly respects the gods but who seems to have actually thought through the implications and made an assessment. Keyleth's analysis paralysis and fear of making a harmful decision or being hurt is the point of the character, and Marisha explores it directly during Campaign 1; it is ultimately what is holding Keyleth back from becoming the leader she needs to be, and working through it is the arc of her character. Avoidance or indecision is a fantastic character flaw to explore (Bellara in Veilguard is a recent example that's been on my mind) but it is a character flaw to be explored, and for the character to do something interesting with, and Bells Hells just...as I've said, drift. They keep going through open doors because they are there and never say "do I even want to go through this door? Why or why not?" and the entire purpose of a character in fiction, in my opinion, is to ask that question.

I actually pretty strongly disagree about FCG. I think they took a bit longer than I'd like to click but I actually found FCG's exploration of religion to be one of the deeper ones in the series. I think the party often disparaged it, and the fandom certainly did ("Fearne should make that stupid robot eat his own coin" will remain burned in my brain forever; I cannot take someone who said that as anything but a shriveled husk of a person unless they admit it was horribly mean-spirited and they regret it) but FCG is the rare member of Bells Hells who actually explored the concept of having autonomy and agency - that was his entire arc, actually - and to have this be told through embracing the god of chance and freedom, whom he learned about by chance, was a highlight of the campaign. I would strongly advise you reconsider seeing this as nothing but a bit; just because Sam tends to make a lot of dumb jokes doesn't mean he's not often telling a pretty profound story underneath, and this is a lesson it took me until this campaign to learn, to be honest. But I will say I don't think FCG being here now would fix things any more than Braius does, in part because the rest of the party looked down on faith but also didn't really condemn it. They just made vaguely unkind comments and continued doing fuck all. As my ask earlier today said, they didn't actually challenge each other; they just sort of passive-aggressively bitch. The point that many people made very early on, that Bells Hells has a veneer of cooperation and civility but lack the actual true bonds that only arise through working through conflict, remains true.

Getting back to it, I think the fact that NPCs who are not affiliated with the Prime deities nor Betrayer Gods and even struggle against them (Percy, Keyleth; the entire Kryn Dynasty; a massive number of entirely secular governments including the Clovis Concord, the remnants of the Cerberus Assembly, as far as I know the Marquesian governments, the Silken Squall) are unambiguously against Ludinus and the release of Predathos means that it's not the lack of clerics or paladins or everyday religious people. I don't care if agnostics decide the fate of the world, but DAMN those agnostics better have a fucking vision for what the world should be. I could talk at length about why I think killing the gods is a deranged and unrealistic solution to the problems the characters claim to think it will fix, but ultimately I don't even feel like the characters care about those problems. The titans are still going to be fucking dead, conquest and colonialism already exist within Exandria without the aid of any gods. Hell, Ashton's whole situation could be replicated precisely again in a world with no gods; and as the Ruidusborn were created by Predathos as keys to release it, I don't think there's a reason to have any more but I don't think that's really what Imogen was going for. It's the same kind of thing we call rapture culture among terminally online types: the idea that with one big act of violence you will usher in a new, better age. The idea that violent change is inherently for the better is infantile and utterly self-centered, as is the idea that putting off a choice until it becomes inevitable is anything other than selfish and stupid. I would rather the choice of the fate of the gods come from atheists who weren't infantile and self-centered and selfish and stupid than clerics and paladins who were. That's it.

[henrikvanderhussy]

How to play the original Secrets Can Kill in 2025 without game discs

oh my god I almost just wrote 2015 instead of 2025

I've successfully been playing the original SCK for the past couple hours (including "changing discs" and reopening save files), but it's possible I could run into problems later, so no promises that this is a perfect solution.

This method still requires installing the game files, so I think it'll only work on Windows, sorry Mac users. I'm using Windows 11. I was also able to install and open the game on a Windows 10 computer, but I didn't actually attempt to play it there.

All you need are copies of the game .iso files and a virtual hard disk drive program. The post got long, so details are under the Keep Reading. It's not actually complicated, but apparently I talk a lot lol

The .iso files:

.iso files are digital replicas of optical discs (CDs, DVDs, etc). You probably don't have the original Secrets Can Kill discs, so you will need to...acquire these files.

[NOTE: My personal ethics say to not pirate shit from small studios or independent creators. HeR is a small studio and if people don't buy stuff from them, they can't afford to make new games. However, the original SCK is abandonware and literally can't be purchased, so imo, it's perfectly acceptable to pirate it.

I want to strongly discourage anyone from pirating any of the other games which can be purchased. They have 50% off sales all the time (including through today, 1/5/25) and a bunch of the games are as low as $5 when on-sale. The digital downloads don't come with any kind of restrictive licenses, so if you get a new computer, you can transfer the files and keep your games forever. Pls keep supporting HeR so that we can maybe keep getting new games]

I recommend getting the SCK .iso files from archive.org. That link will take you to a software search for Nancy Drew Secrets Can Kill. As of this post, there's only 1 result that's actually for the original SCK.

Anytime you're downloading software from a site where anyone can upload stuff, there's always a possibility of viruses. Check and see if the uploader seems sketchy (Are there comments on any of their uploads warning about viruses? Is the account brand new?). You could run the files through a virus checking program, but apparently .iso files frequently throw false positives. The SCK uploader seemed legit, but I initially downloaded and installed these on an old computer that I don't use, just in case.

There will be a bunch of files available to download. You specifically need to download the "ISO IMAGE" files. There should be two of them- disc 1 and disc 2. After downloading, I recommend moving the files out of your downloads folder because you'll need to access them frequently.

The virtual hard disk drive program:

Like I said above, .iso files are digital copies of physical discs. Similarly, the way to use the files is via a digital version of a physical disk drive. "Mounting" the .iso files to a virtual disk drive is analogous to inserting a disk into a physical drive.

Windows 8 and above has a built-in ability to mount .iso files, but when I tried that, I got a notice that the file was corrupted. The internet recommended that a dedicated program might have more functionality. I chose the Elby Virtual CloneDrive program, which is free.

Installing the game:

After downloading and installing the virtual disk drive software, navigate to your .iso files, and right click on the file for disc 1. Scroll to "Open with", and choose "Mount Files with Virtual CloneDrive". It will now show up as a CD drive in This PC in the file explorer:

Double-click to open the drive and scroll to "setup.exe". Open the file to run the game installer.

The game will install in a typical way. I think the only non-default option I chose was "No, I will install DirectX myself". I didn't actually install DirectX, but everything is working fine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ idk, maybe now it's built-in to Windows or something.

Running the game:

To run the game, just open the game shortcut like a normal program. If you can't find the shortcut or didn't create one during the install, go to your C: drive -> Program Files (x86) -> Nancy Drew -> Secrets Can Kill -> Game.exe

In order for the game to run, you need to have Disc 1 still mounted to your virtual drive. Unless you specifically unmounted it, it should still be there, but if you get a pop-up that says to insert the disc, the problem is probably that the disc isn't mounted.

I was expecting that I would have to run the game in Compatibility Mode to handle that it was made for fucking Windows 98, but I didn't have to do anything. It just worked with no adjustments. A miracle!!

Changing discs:

The original Secrets Can Kill was too big to fit on a single disc at the time it was made! They split it across multiple discs by location. The school is on disc 2, while all other locations are on disc 1. So if you need to move from the diner to the school for example, you have to change discs.

When you need to change discs, you'll get this screen:

WITHOUT closing the game program, minimize the game. Easiest way is by either pressing the windows key or alt+tab. Navigate to your .iso files, right click on the new disc, and choose Mount.

Navigate back to the game and click OK. Easy as that!

Whenever you fully exit and re-open the game, you have to open it with disc 1 mounted. So if you saved while at the school, you'll open the game with disc 1, load your save, and immediately switch over to disc 2.

And I think that's everything! Phew! This got a lot longer than I planned on. Feel free to send me questions if you're having trouble, but I may not know the answer. I'm not an expert in this stuff, I just spent some time poking around at it last week is all.

Have fun! Go manatees!

[burningcheese-merchant]

I’m so confused? I thought you liked burning spice but then you say that their reasons for turning evil are bullshit??

I do. I adore Burning Spice, he's my babygirl lol. I can like characters and disagree with their actions and ideals at the same time. Joker is fucking reprehensible in every way possible, but he's still the best Batman villain, if that helps it make more sense

Let me explain what I really mean when I say his reason for evil is bullshit. I don't really mean to deny or downplay his feelings at all. The existential crisis he probably had as a consequence of his job is a valid one to have. I don't REALLY know what caused him to fold for sure - none of us do, all we really have is "I'm tired of history's unending cycle", everything else I've said about him is educated guess with a sprinkling of projection - but if anything in my personal thoughts and analyses are true, then it's reasonable to a degree. Being born and burdened with great responsibility that you never wanted/asked for sucks. Sacrificing your time and effort over and over again only for that to be tarnished sucks. Working hard to build something only for it to inevitably be torn down sucks. Becoming attached to people, only to have to watch them suffer and die and leave you alone again while you stay the same, sucks. It really does. I'm not trying to take that away from the man, if that's really what afflicts him.

It's bullshit to me solely because it is what drives him to hurt people. Whatever is eating him, getting his goat, keeping him awake at night, however you want to put it, stopped mattering the minute he allowed it to influence him to commit atrocities. I don't care if all your friends are dead. I don't care if your town was decimated by the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I don't care if you have glass bones and paper skin. Your suffering does not justify the suffering of others. Whatever unfortunate circumstances you go through in life, regardless of whether or not they're your fault, are ultimately your responsibility. Burning Spice does not get to chop people up with his axe because he's bored with life. Burning Spice does not get to use unarmed civilians as soldiers/cannon fodder (that is an actual, real world war crime. People have been imprisoned and even hanged for shit like that) because he struggles with the cynicism and sense of futility history often curses people with. Burning Spice does not get to stalk, kidnap, beat, imprison, torture and mutilate a woman (who is barely half his size and who has never done anything to him) he's obsessed with because he resents his creators for forcing him to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, or because he watched people and civilizations rise and fall around him constantly regardless of what he did about it, or because he woke up on the wrong side of his throne. Everything before he hurt and killed people is an explanation. Everything AFTER that is an excuse.

And please, I'm begging everyone to not go "but immortality sucks". I have evolved past that concept and no longer agree with it. Immortality does not inherently suck. I have said this before and I will say it again: we have a plethora of immortal characters in the Cookie Run universe who do not have that attitude about it. Does Wind Archer winge about protecting the forest forever? No. Do Sugar Swan and Millennial Tree lament having to watch over time and the cycle of seasons forever? No. Did Moonlight go insane and go out killing people after the wizards left her to guard their city forever? No. Fire Spirit, Sea Fairy, Frost Queen, Sherbet. None of them regret the lives they live. They all have their issues, but none of them involve disliking immortality (and three of the ones I mentioned used to be mortal). Life is only, ultimately, what YOU decide to make of it. Time passing and people getting old and dying does not and should not dimish either one's worth. This attitude comes from a fundamental lack of understanding and appreciation for life, nature and other people, and everything they have to offer (which Burning Spice clearly has, even Golden Cheese called him out on it to his face lol). It is selfish and short-sighted.

Burning Spice, as far as he's demonstrated, never cared about anyone or anything except himself. He is entirely self-serving and actively punishes and persecutes whatever does not satisfy his ephemeral desires. His gripes about boredom are childish and immature. If he was that unhappy with life and immortality, then he would go ahead and fucking kill himself. "I wonder what it would take to destroy me" brother, YOU are what it would take to destroy you. Cut your own head off. Slit your wrists. Make yourself a nice rope necklace, you must've picked that skill up at SOME point in the millennia you've existed. But no. He doesn't do that, because he doesn't REALLY hate being alive, he only hates that life does not bow to his whims 24/7. ALL the Beasts seem like that to me. Narcissistic, cowardly hypocrites.

Very well, you couldn't handle the power and responsibility bestowed upon you. Give it back and fuck off. Have some dignity and humility and admit that You Don't Got It. The Ancients have proven that there are people who do. Step down and let them take charge. Or don't, I guess. Be a miserable asshole and make everyone around you miserable assholes, too. Make everyone else suffer for your moral and spiritual failings. Because it was never really about your traumas or regrets, was it. It stopped being about that a long time ago. Now it's just about you wanting to impose your will onto others and make them pay for mistakes they never made. Because you crumbled in the face of adversity and gave in to despair. Isn't it, Shadow Milk. Isn't it, Mystic Flour. Isn't it, Burning Spice.

With all of that said, however... I do still love him lol. I love his design. I love his voice (I turned the English audio back on just for Spice, I usually have the Japanese audio on otherwise bc I don't like most of the English voices and lots of characters share Japanese voices with anime characters I love). I love his personality, as horrible as it is. I love his little animations. I love how he interacts with Golden Cheese (inside and outside of shipping context). And I love the storytelling potential I sincerely believe exists within him and his character. That is the double-edged sword that comes with him: there's not enough for us to fully understand him, thus risking him appearing boring (ironic) and one-dimensional, but there's just enough that also allows us to fill in that gap with ideas of our own, and walk down paths we and others may find interesting. Me personally, I've been exploring what it would be like both for Spice to descend into absolute, hellish insanity and depravity without caution or remorse (Yandere Spice/Yandere Beasts AU), and how he might grapple with the concepts of guilt, atonement and forgiveness, what + how long it might take to gain/achieve each one, how it may ultimately influence his personality and view of the world, and his interactions with others during and after a redemption arc (Reformed Beasts AU, which I WILL post about soon, I'm almost done outlining each Beast's arc, let me finish cooking plz). Plenty of other people have their own takes on the little dude, too, as well as those others four bozos. And I'm certain we all agree that they're horrifically awful as people, but we find them cute and entertaining and even sympathize with them to some degree anyway.

I love Burning Spice. He's not my favorite character, that title is split between 2 others, but I still love him. He's still my babygirl. If he was real, I'd call for him to be shot and that's it, because that's all people like him deserve in the real world. But he isn't, he's a little cookie guy from a dumb phone game, so I'm allowed to condemn his behavior while also wanting to pet him, and scratch his little head, and hold him in my hands, and give him little smoochies, and have him sit on my shoulder while I work or cook or whatever, and poke his chest to see how soft his little buff man tiddies really are (and risk getting my fingers cut off for it probably)

I'm sorry if I confused you or anyone else. Wasn't trying to do that. I hope what I've said here makes some amount of sense. Take this apology ice cream regardless 🍦

[stars4noah]

HALLEY'S COMET- three.

{WARNINGS}: swearing, drinking, allusions to depression, reader and noah making up yayyyy 🥳🥳

w.c- 2,898

a.n- if you guys couldn't tell by now, this story has kinda turned from being inspired by only halley's comet to being inspired by the entire album! go listen to happier than ever by billie eilish. the album. not the song.

enjoy! <3

{TAGLIST}: @lacy1986 @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @chey-h @rumoured-whispers @oobleoob

if you would like to be added to the taglist, please comment!

i haven't slept since sunday. midnight for me is three a.m. for you.

three more weeks passed since everything happened. the next day, noah tried to come back. i told him to stay away. forever. i promised him that i would be just fine without him, that i didn't need him to prove to me that he was something he didn't want to be. because i was so convinced he didn't want to be better. he just wanted his photographer back.

i started working at a local coffee shop, the spark in my eyes that was once consistent now gone. i didn't have that kind voice that everyone grew to love. i didn't put any effort into my appearance. i just threw my hair into a ponytail and moved on.

a lot of the time, i was glad i lived alone. i could fall back into old habits without being scolded. like drinking, for example. it was the only way i knew how to handle my feelings. which wasn't working very well.

but you're all it takes for me to break a promise.

i knew the next time i saw his face i would break. i would run back. i would stay. spending years with somebody who you're secretly in love with will do that to a person. so i made it my goal to purposefully ignore him.

every time i would go home, i would scroll mindlessly on my phone. i found out that noah canceled the rest of the tour. mental health reasons, or whatever. i rolled my eyes, turning off my phone and cracking open yet another bottle of liquor, feeling the familiar burn go down my throat that i've grown accustomed to. i walked around my apartment mindlessly, humming some unfamiliar tune to myself.

these past few weeks, music has been my number one savior. aside from alcohol.

NOAH'S POV.

these weeks without her proved to be difficult. having fallen into a depression after alyssa and i broke up, [y/n] leaving only made it worse. i sat in my room, staring at the door. sometimes i would pray that she would walk through. surprise me and say it was all just a cruel prank.

countless bottles of hennessy sat in front of my bed. that was all i had been doing. drinking and working out and writing to ease away the pain.

"but nevertheless, i'm fucking depressed. i hide it with sex, and drink till it's fatal." i murmured to myself, taking another sip from the bottle before letting it clatter to the ground, snatching my pen and paper from my desk.

when i went through things like this, i always liked to write down my thoughts. some of those thoughts ended up in songs. and since we were in the middle of writing a new album, this was perfect.

there was a knock at the door and i grumbled a greeting, my eyes never leaving the paper. a couple seconds later, jolly walked in.

"christ, man, you look like hell."

i hummed, continuing to write as he sat in front of me.

"look, i know you're struggling. because of-"

i knew exactly who he was talking about. i didn't want to hear her name. she hurt me enough. "don't say her name."

jolly sighed. "because of her. but dude, we're worried. you know none of it was your fault, right? she was stupid to do that to you."

i scoffed. "she said it herself, jolly. 'he's richer, hotter, and bigger'" i scowled, repeating her words that she had said to me that night. some part of me regretted walking out of that door. i loved her. for years. and i had grown used to loving her. she was all that i had. she was what made me what i am. she was right, really. i would be nothing without her.

"you're doing it again." he said. at this point, i had stopped writing, staring off into space. "doing what?"

"that thing you do when you get all into your head. blaming yourself for everything. how many times do i have to tell you it's not your fault for you to get it in your head, man?" he said, sternly but gently.

i rolled my eyes. "you're wrong."

"how?"

"because i loved her, jolly. i fucking loved her, and i screwed it all up because i can never do anything right. i'll never be good enough. for myself, or anybody."

i buried my face in my hands, sobs racking my body once more. i never liked to be this vulnerable with anybody, even my closest friends. but honestly? i didn't give a fuck anymore. let them see.

"i know man. i know." he said, rubbing his hand over my back in an attempt to sooth me.

it pained jolly to see me like this. i knew that. but it was better to tell people of my thoughts than to keep it bottled up inside, right?

READERS POV.

i was making that damn song all the way till the early morning. i didn't even realize how late it had gotten until i woke up to my alarm. i had fallen asleep at my desk, my computer still running and everything. i didn't have work today, so that left me plenty of time to do whatever the hell i wanted.

months passed. months without seeing or talking to him. i would occasionally text the others, but i wouldn't dare send him a single text. i caught up a bit with folio and jolly, telling them about my ongoing journey with music. i still pursued photography as a side hustle, but my main focus was getting this song perfect.

it was almost done. almost ready to be released. maybe as an album? no, i can't get too carried away. music isn't for me. but as i listened to the song and made sure everything was right, my feelings began to change.

"i don't want it, and i don't want to want you. but in my dreams, i seem to be more honest. and i must admit, you've been in quite a few."

it wasn't a lie. he had began to show up more often in my dreams. not as nightmares, but as something that we could've been.

"Halley's Comet comes around more than i do. but you're all it takes for me to break a promise. silly me to fall in love with you."

that promise. that stupid promise.

"[y/n], please. let me explain-"

"no, noah! i don't care about your shitty explanations and your shitty behavior and your stupid face! i promise, i'll be just fine without you. leave me alone!"

"i haven't slept since sunday. mdnight for me is 3:00 a.m. for you. but my sleepless nights are better with you than nights could ever be alone, ooh-ooh-ooh. i was good at feeling nothing, now i'm hopeless. what a drag to love you like i do, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh."

it wasn't entirely a lie. when i imagined him in the bed next to me, it felt like i could sleep better. when i pretended everything was okay, everything felt lighter. the weight on my shoulders seemed to momentarily disappear, only to crash back down when i realized it was all just a fantasy.

"ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh. i've been loved before, but right now in this moment i feel more and more like i was made for you. for you. i'm sitting in my brother's room. haven't slept in a week or two, or two. i think i might have fallen in love. what am i to do?"

as the song ended, i found myself picking up my phone, going to his contact. i laughed softly to myself as i saw the contact. it was still the same. when everything was nice. when i wasn't all alone. i decided to jump the gun, shooting him a text.

i breathed out a sigh of relief. maybe he didn't hate me as much as i thought. i immediately thought back to the time i took it. when things were better. happier.

"come on! put it on!" i laughed, holding out the little plastic tiara to him. we had gone to disney world for a summer vacation, and i won a tiara from one of the game booths.

"i'm not putting that on." he said, his arms folded across his chest.

i pouted, looking up at him with those puppy dog eyes i knew he couldn't resist until he groaned, snatching the tiara from my hands and putting it on his head. despite his previously grumpy demeanor, he still wore a smile when i took the pictures.

i missed that.

the moment i saw him walk through those doors, it was like everything hit me all at once. he looked terrible. i did too, but definitely better in comparison.

"hi." i said softly.

"hi." he said back, sitting down in front of me with his hands in the pockets of his sweats.

i bit my lip as we sat in an awkward silence for a moment before i spoke.

"noah, i-"

"[y/n]-"

i couldn't help but smile softly as we spoke at the same time.

"you first." he said.

i took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself. "i know you've been through a lot, noah. and i should've taken that into consideration when i said all that shit. honestly, i haven't been doing too well myself, if you couldn't tell." i said, gesturing to myself.

"it sounds stupid as fuck, but it feels like theres this void in my chest that's just been so empty since i left. i miss you guys. i miss the band." i said.

he sensed there was something more. "but...?"

"but," i began. "i can't come back as the photographer. after i've recovered somewhat from everything, i realized photography isn't for me. i was to pursue something bigger."

"like?"

"music."

he raised his eyebrows. "you want to become a musician?"

"i know, it sounds absurd and like a child's dream, but i really think-"

"no, [y/n] that's fucking amazing." he said with a small laugh, leaning forward. i smiled slightly. there was that smile i missed.

"yeah?"

"yeah. i mean, i've only heard you sing a handful of times, but you're great. you're gonna make it big, trust me." he said.

my heart warmed at his words. "thank you." i said.

"look, [y/n], i'll be the first to admit how much of a douche i was to you. i've had time to think about it. to get over it and stop wallowing in self-pity. and i'm really sorry. i'm kinda shocked you didn't quit sooner, honestly. but, if you'd like, we could start fresh. you don't have to come back to the band, but we can hang out and shit. maybe i can help you with your music."

his words only made my smile brighten. "yeah, i'd like that. a lot. thank you."

"of course, princess."

after our little friend date, we went to his studio to work on some things. he showed me how different things worked and helped me on writing a song that i had been thinking about.

i bit my lip, jotting down a few lyrics in my notebook as he watched.

i don't really wanna know why you went there. i kinda don't care. you want to kill me? you want to hurt me? stop being flirty. it's kinda working.

i hummed a soft tune to myself as i read the lyrics, trying to figure out what would work right.

did you really think this is the right thing to do? is it news? news to who? that i really looked just like the rest of you.

noah snapped me out of my continuous thoughts, turning back to the computer. "i've been working on stuff, too." he said.

"yeah?"

he hummed in response, pulling up a file full of different songs. "pick one." he said, leaning back.

i bit my lip in thought before clicking on the one titled The Grey.

"evened the scores, then i let it all go fall apart. and every step forward put a little more sword in your heart, yeah. looking sideways when i say i'm okay with the past. but i'm afraid of what i might say if you ask."

i leaned back in my chair as i listened to the lyrics, knowing that this song could be about one of two people. me, or alyssa.

"gave you way too many chances, you ran through them all. got everything i could want but it wasn't enough. nobody left for me to talk to, nobody to call. got everything i could want but i still wanted more. yeah, i still wanted more."

the pure emotion in his voice was enough to make my heart break into pieces and clarify who it was about. i knew after what happened with her, he was broken. and this song was only proof.

"there's not another way, don't let me go. don't dig another grave today. i'll make the same mistakes, i'll never know who i was before i faded away into the grey."

the recording stopped, and my eyes darted from the screen to his face. "that's all i have right now." he said. "we have more sessions later this week to finish it."

i gulped. "noah..."

he looked at me and raised a brow. "what?"

"that was fucking beautiful."

i almost felt like i was going to cry. i always loved his voice, but that was on a whole other level. usually he was screaming. he never had those soft vocals like what i just heard.

he smiled softly. "thanks. now get in there."

i blinked, shaking my head. "sorry, what?"

"go on. get in the booth. i want to hear you sing this. we can figure something out."

"noah, i-" "don't argue. go."

i sighed, getting up and heading into the recording booth. maybe it would be okay. i wouldn't fuck it up. i put on the headphones, looking back up at him through the glass. "which one?" i asked.

he hummed, looking through the notebook i had left on the desk.

"what about my future? start it off strong."

i nodded, mentally preparing myself for whatever the hell was about to happen.

"i can't seem to focus, and you don't seem to notice i'm not here. i'm just a mirror. you check your complexion to find your reflection's all alone. i had to go. can't you hear me? i'm not coming home. do you understand? i've changed my plans. cause i, i'm in love with my future. and i, i'm in love. but not with anybody else. just wanna get to know myself."

it really was a beautiful song. and it was me putting all of my feelings on the line. the lyrics didn't have a deeper meaning to them like noah's often did. their meaning was just laid flat out. i changed my plans for the future, and i'm waiting to sort things out with myself before falling in love again.

"i know supposedly i'm lonely now. know i'm supposed to be unhappy without someone. but aren't i someone? i'd like to be your answer. cause you're so handsome. but i know better than to drive you home. cause you'd invite me in, and i'd be yours again."

the lyrics seemed to flow freely as i sang, my eyes closed and hands moving in random directions. i didn't even notice him staring.

"but i, i'm in love. with my future. and you don't know her, mm. and i, i'm in love. but not with anybody here. i'll see you in a couple years."

i opened my eyes and looked at noah, noticing how his mouth was slightly open. i laughed. "don't start drooling."

he shook himself out of his thoughts. "sorry, that was just. really fucking good. you're a natural, princess. i'm jealous." he said.

i rolled my eyes, stepping out of the booth.

"great, now let's work out a tune."

we spent hours and hours fixing up the song, getting carried away in our musical abilities. last time i checked, it was around 2 am. i didn't want to go home, so i suggested we took a little break and watched a movie or something. he nodded and we sat on the couch, turning on the tv (of course he turned on naruto). my head ended up lulling to the side, landing on his shoulder as i slowly fell asleep. the last thing my brain registered before falling into dreamland was the soft kiss on my forehead and his soft words.

"goodnight, princess."

his lips against mine felt like heaven. it felt like my whole life was complete when i kissed him, when i felt him. he felt like home. something i hadn't known in a long time. i pulled away, breathing slightly heavy as i looked into his chocolate brown eyes.

"noah.." i whispered.

he smiled softly and hummed.

"i fucking love you."

"mm.. [y/n]." he mumbled against my lips.

"princess."

"[Y/N]!"

[bratbarzal]

I fell in love with your story with Nico I was wondering if you could recommend other fics?

I'm the single worst person at keeping track of fics I read (and I know that's massively hypocritical of me I'm working on being a better person okay) especially before I started my blog but I do have a fic rec tag!! I haven't been reading a lot lately because I struggle to read while writing but I'll list my staples below bc I need to spread the love!! not all of these are nico, and not all of them are series fics, but they're all near and dear to my heart!!

the blueprint long form oc fic is whatever life throws at you by @raysofcrosby - it's a matthew tkachuk fic and I read it in the lead up to the stanley cup last year and it's probably what inspired me to start writing/post something myself!! the character/world building is unmatched and I don't think I ever have or ever will read another fic like it!!!

and speaking of world building him and I by @mikkomacko feels like you're literally in a different universe when you're reading it there's so much detail and as someone who struggles to write AU style fics more than anything I think this fic is like the epitome of talent!!!

and the same goes for say yes to heaven, say yes to me (and part two) by @theemporium - the whole mob!verse is chef's kiss, but also the entire masterlist!!!!! the amount cece writes and the unlimited ideas she manages to spin into something amazing has me staring at my screen sometimes in pure shock it's mental!! and don't get me started on luke and cherry, the mortifying ordeal of being a 20-year old virgin is the best luke fic on this app I love it with all my heart and I need to catch up!!

and katie @nol-pat is one of my favourite people period on this app so it only makes sense that she is my favourite writer!!!! I think I read must love dogs and it's been a long time coming before I started this blog, and I remember feeling like I hadn't read any other fics that I was completely submersed in so quick before!! katie's dialogue and storylines and the way she implements all the best tropes is my fave thing in the world and I'd like to think we're similar in some ways when it comes to writing but that's delusion, she is a thousand times better than me lmao

I know places by @hischierhoney is one of the best song based fics I've ever read it's so so cute and sweet and such a perfect capture of the essence of that song!! I love it and lee is very lovely!!!! I literally had a nico fic in mind when I first read this question and had to go looking and it's her off limits fic!!!! and the sequel I know!!!!! I'm a bum because it's been my favourite this whole time and I've never told her!!!! but now I can!!!

wishes come true by @sweethischier is hands down the best nico series on this app!!! I also love abby!!! I distinctly remember saving this in my drafts forever ago to read again and again!!! and now I want to read it again!!!! and I will!!!!

that night in michigan by @hockey-fics and part two that week in vancouver for if you want your heart ripping out and putting back together again!!!!

and I'm definitely missing a load more, I feel like some people have deactivated and I will yearn for them forever!!!

[lsunstreakerl]

THE NEW CHAPTER OMG...

absolutely love nico and max's mentor-student relationship in search history verse (he's like the kid that nico got in the divorce shhdhs) (also charles just knowing that nico likes daisy and white wine from lewis 👀)

and then max's non-confrontational behaviour paired with lewis being so apologetic 🥲 I've been so excited for that particular scene ever since you've mentioned it and it's truly SO GOOD I swear you never disappoint

(and max's uni arc CAN'T WAIT)

Max is no stranger to divorced parents so Nico and Lewis is just another Tuesday for him 😭

Poor Charles is not used to it, so he's tired of hearing about Nico in the Ferrari garage because it was literally forever ago how are you still hung up on it WHAT IS LEFT TO TALK ABOUT

Max is so blunt when he tells Nico because there's no easy way to say it, and he wants Nico to help him, but he's much more nervous when he tells Lewis, because as much as he might hate to admit it, he looks up to him and respects him, and the idea that Lewis might be angry- or worse- think he's weak, is something Max is a bit afraid of.

Lewis feels awful about it as soon as realizes, because part of their complicated relationship hinges on them having to compartmentalize each other as "competitors", and Max admitting he can no longer fit in that mental box, ever again, violently rattles Lewis. It reminds him that Max is still so much younger, that his career started and ended within Lewis's own- it makes him think immediately back to the 17 year old he met, trying so hard to be brave and scary, and it really messes with his head.

I was really on the fence with how I felt about that chapter and the confrontation (I deleted and rewrote it so many times) so I'm super glad everyone's liking it. I definitely want to write more of Max and Lewis and Nico :)

UNI ARC.

[omentranslates]

Owari no Seraph chapter 143 english fan translation

Happy 2025 welcome to my pain and misery thanks for reading.

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT, THE OFFICIAL DOESN'T COME OUT FOR ABOUT A WEEK SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL ;3

5th progenitor Ky Luc, resting beneath the earth...

Owari no Seraph chapter 143: His Dream

Ky Luc: I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!! I SWEAR I WILLLL!!!!!

Shinoa: Be still. Be crushed.

Ky Luc: AACKCK

Ky Luc: What is this. What is she, this human is...

Yoichi: That's amazing, Shinoa-san.

Mitsuba: Isn't this guy supposed to be a super strong vampire? You're even more powerful than that?

Shinoa: Oh no, certainly not in a head-on confrontation I wouldn't be. It was by hiding and stealthily weaving some of the First's magic that I was able to do this...

Ky Luc: The First? This is the First's magic? What the hell???

Kimidzuki: Are you guys stupid, we don't have time for this! If he's stronger than Shinoa then we're in trouble if we don't do this fast, and Ferid and the Lieutenant might still be like right there...

Shinoa: Then let's hurry up, turn him into a demon weapon and steal his memories, shall we?

Ky Luc: Demon? That's-...

Ky Luc: SHIT, ARE YOU

Ky Luc: THE FIRST!?

Shinoa: No no, just a lil' ol' human, like I said. The First has been swallowed up.

Ky Luc: YOU WHAT??

Shinoa: And, so too shall your existence be.

Ky Luc: S-SHIT. I need to retreat right now-

Ky Luc: GRRRRR, O SWORD. DRINK MY....

Shinoa: Shii-chan. Drop the scythe.

Ky Luc: SHIT

Ky Luc: W-WAIT STOP!! PLEASE, LET'S TALK ABOUT-

Shinoa: We have nothing to talk about.

Ky Luc: WAIT!!! I CAN'T BECOME A DEMON HERE!! I STILL....I STILL HAVE A DREAM TO-

Shinoa: And in your long life, how many humans have said that same thing to you as you killed them? It's just that today, it's your turn. Now how about you surrender and become a demon.

Ky Luc: AAAAHHH YOU FUCKERS!!! I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU AAAAAAAA!!!!

Ky Luc Narration: ....huh, this isn't going to work is it? So, I lost...?

Ky Luc's Mom: You have to survive.

Ky Luc's Mom: You have to become stronger than everyone else and survive. Don't think about anything else.

Ky Luc: ...ok. But what then?

Ky Luc: What else is there after I survived?

Ky Luc's Mom: Nothing you need to think about. You only ONLY need to keep on surviving, do you understand?

Ky Luc: ....

Urd: I want to die.

Ky Luc: Huh?

Urd: That's my dream

Ky Luc: Say what? Your dream is to die?

Ky Luc: Uh....sorry, wait a second. I thought vampires couldn't die.

Urd: That's correct. Even if we bleed out and lose consciousness, we'll just become demons and endure an endless existence trying to satiate that desire instead.

Ky Luc: And you could call that death?

Urd: No. My wish is to die like a human, quick and uneventful.

Urd: You once told me that you were living for the sake of becoming stronger, but for what purpose is that strength?

Ky Luc: ....it's just something that was engrained in me by my mother telling me I needed to be strong to survive.

Urd: Survive for what?

Ky Luc: ......

Urd: You've been surviving in this world for thousands of years and what has become of you?

Ky Luc: Well I didn't really know so...I've ended up following you around everywhere, Urd-sama. I guess.

Urd: There's something I've realized after observing humans for a long time.

Urd: Humans live to die.

Ky Luc: ....

Urd: Human life is so special precisely because it ends.

Ky Luc: Y'know I'm not really good with such difficult topics.

Urd: Then live forever. Without me to follow.

Ky Luc: Uhm....

Ky Luc: Urd-sama, can we become human again?

Urd: We'll have to in order to die.

Ky Luc: So there's a way?? Even though we don't know where the First who did this to us has gone....

Urd: I said it was my dream, didn't I? That's what a dream is, I'm chasing it whether there's a way or not. My goal is different from that of the First, or of Rigr, who have abandoned us vampires.

Urd: I'm going to turn every vampire back into a human and take back a meaningless death for us all.

Ky Luc Narration: My mother told me not to die, and it stuck to me like a curse this whole time. But...

Ky Luc: Do the other vampires know what you're telling me?

Urd: They don't, they wouldn't understand.

Ky Luc: ...then why did you tell me?

Urd: Because this whole 500 years, you've had a look on your face like you wanted to know.

Ky Luc: ....what, I have??

Urd: Yes.

Ky Luc: Really.....

Ky Luc: Hahaha, ok then

Ky Luc Narration: That day, the curse my mother cast upon me first broke.

Ky Luc: Then from today my dream will be to grant your dream, Urd-sama.

Ky Luc: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I CAN'T DIE HERE!!! I CAN'T BECOME A DEMON HERE, NO WAY!!! THERE'S NO WAY I'D, INTO A DEMON AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Shinoa: You're already halfway there. Isn't your mind starting to go fuzzy yet? Aah, your memories running out of control, they're mine...

Ky Luc: FUCK YOUUUU!!!! AAAAAAH, URD-SAMA!! URD-SAMA!!! WHAT-!? WHAT AM I!??? I'M AAAAAAAAHH!!!

Shinoa: ....I'll have him become a black demon weapon. So that Micchan can have him.

Ky Luc: I CAN'T SEE!? I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING WHY?? MOTHER!!! MOTHER WHERE ARE YOU!!!???

Mitsuba: ...Shinoa? Are you ok?

Shinoa: I...it's no good...

Shinoa: Humans and our sorrows.*

Mitsuba: Shinoa, it's ok. It'll be ok. Let's do this together.

Ky Luc: I CAN'T DISAPPEAR HERE!!! I HAVE TO GET STRONGER!! EVEN STRONGER, I HAVEN'T GOTTEN STRONG ENOUGH YET!!!!

Shinoa: Goodbye, Ky Luc. From now, you'll be a cursed weapon, devouring nothing but desire.

Ky Luc: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAH

Shinoa: I'm sorry. Become a demon.

Ky Luc: .....Urd-sama. I'm...sorry...

Mitsuba: ...you good, Shinoa?

Shinoa: All done! Micchan, I've got a brand new black demon weapon for you.

Shinoa: Also, I now know what Urd Gilles and Rigr Stafford are planning. And most importantly, I have Yuu-san's location.

Yuu: Hm?

One vampire's dream dwindles to nothing...**

T/L:

*This line of Shinoa's can be directly translated to "Humans are just too sad" but it's not immediately clear to me whether she's talking about herself being only human and too prone to feeling bad for the vampires even after what they've done or whether she's suddenly feeling empathy for what Ky Luc went through has a human while she's accessing his memories um I like how I translated it but I wanted to leave a context note anyways.

**a word used to refer to people is used to talk about the vampire (Ky Luc) in this context, rather than the one for nonhumans/monsters that they use sometimes just wanted to note

[wutheringvibe]

22 march, when i stopped fighting it, but not before i had worn myself raw. i think god laughed when i lost. maybe it was the name of someone else in your mouth or maybe it was how you tried to keep yourself from me. i tried so hard not to love you, not to fall for the way your words wrapped around my head. i fought it like it was something to be won, but i have never been more glad to lose. you didn't even know my name when you said you loved me, i hated it but then you gave me your own name. two syllables, soft and sure, resting on my heart like they belonged there. i was born again, born in a way that was only yours. you named me like you made me, it makes sense that i would be no one else's. i haven't been the same since. i still think of that first summer. you traced your steps in purple petals while you left me aching for the sound of you. i couldn't get enough of you. you kissed me in a dream and i woke up with my lips trembling. i think i loved you even before i knew you, like something i was born with and only just remembered. i've been yours, mind, body, soul, so completely yours. when i close my eyes, there's you. always you. i walk through streets littered with pink petals, always finding my way back to you. it's always the pink and the purple, the navy blue and the green, the 22s that feel like promises, the fights that burn, the makeups that taste like forever. will you kiss me good night? will you kiss me at every 11:11? your name feels like home on my tongue, like a prayer i was always meant to utter. finding you felt like stepping into a house i had lived in forever but never seen before. even the stars must be jealous of us. maybe god is just watching, wondering how he made two people fit together so perfectly. my love, you walk your path and i will walk mine, and one day they'll cross in a way that feels like destiny. i have a theory i want to tell you, but i'll wait. it's too magical to explain, it's something you'll feel when it happens. someday, i'll marry you with god as my witness and the stars as my accomplice. i'll give you the flowers i promised, and you give me you, just like you said you would. iloveyou more than words will ever say, and for every valentine's we miss, every 22 we spend apart, i promise i'll make it right. we'll build something out of this love, something that's just ours, something the world can't touch. iloveyou. iloveyou. iloveyou.

[confessionseddie]

2024 💖

tagged by @butchdiaz and @saryasy and @livingincolorsagain for a 2024 fic roundup (thank you!!) but since i didn't publish all that much fic i'll include some gifsets too just because i'm proud of them :) @cinematicnomad also tagged me in a 2024 in gifs roundup so i thought i'd combine the two 💕 bit late but hey.

AUGUST

most popular: buddie in 6x01 favorite: gayddie in season 6b my first proper gifset for 911 before i was even really in the fandom :) i still had 911 blacklisted while i was watching so i wasn't spoiled for anything, and watching eddie in s6b in particular felt like.... well, it made me want to actually make a gifset after the hobby had been soured for me for a while. also i think many now beloved mutuals found me through this post so 🫶🏻 thank you eddie

SEPTEMBER

most popular: eddie in 4x06 favorite: buck + it lingers for your whole life :)

OCTOBER

most popular: buck in 8x03 favorite: parameddie in season 8a honarary mention: eddie's hands in 8x04

FIC

kerosene (6.5k words, E) dear to my heart kerosene, which was as much a love letter to buck as it was a little bit of selfish catharsis-- i think i'll never write anything as good as this again and i'm completely fine with that.

NOVEMBER

i'm pretty sure this month rendered me temporarily insane. luckily i wasn't alone in that.

most popular: good cologne / hence the button down favorites: gossip eddie the sheer joy i felt making this and it only took me like two hours. i was genuinely smiling grinning chuckling kicking my feet the entire time. whimsy eddie forever and: bobbyeddie something i wouldn't really have thought to make myself but my dearest kasia suggested it and i thought. why the hell not. this gifset is probably the one that took the most effort out of anything i made last year but it was also the most gratifying in the end :) and the response i got upon posting was SO lovely i felt my heart warm for weeks after :')

FIC

groom (548 words, G) a drabble from a fic that will never see the light of day, probably. haha but i think i got all their voices right and it felt like an actual scene from the show which i was proud of considering i often struggle with dialogue. DIAZ (3k words, E) my most kudosed fic ever :) i reread this one myself all the time because it feels so cozy. i love when the words just pour out of me and buddie sort of write themselves. freaks 4 monogamy buddie my beloved risky (ryliver, 3.4k words, E) yeah. 🏇 did not expect anyone to even read this honestly lmao, considering i posted it anonymously. half writing challenge half blacked-out-watching-rg-dance-in-his-underwear kinda situation pulmonary (4.5k words, M) while this is not polished to perfection i still managed to write what i wanted to write :) i got some of the loveliest comments i've ever received on any of my writing here, too, so it was all worth it

DECEMBER

most popular: brat taming - a guide by eddie diaz favorite: the above forever and ever :) best thing i've ever posted.

some sap-- said it before, will say it again, this is the most fun i've had in fandom in years and years. i love coming here and posting my silly lil gifs and words, and i appreciate reading every single tag or comment or message anyone ever sends me or leaves under my stuff so thank you!! MWAH. 💋💋

[windstir]

idk if i've said this here but i really like how gilbert is portrayed as a victim despite everything ... he's TRULY not a perfect person, he's the kind of person that makes you say "okay he does do shitty things he needs to sit down what's wrong with him" and makes things worse for everyone around him MULTIPLE times, he hurts the people who care about him in some way (carl and serge being my main examples, there was genuinely no reason to be doing allat but also does he really know any better???? he's stunted to hell and back in various areas and advanced in areas that he can't even PROCESS properly because of the constant enabling and trauma. he's off the rails, he's awful, his intentions a lot of the time are to HURT -carl- and to push people away in the worst ways possible because he's either scared or angry -serge-)

anyway, abuse victims in media are portrayed as characters who do No Wrong a lot. characters that are gentle, and whose trauma made them softer, who are kind despite it all, who want to be better than the person who hurt them and stuff. you know the deal.

and it's not bad! trauma presents itself in a miriad of ways and that's just how things are, the environment and beliefs are what end up making the change (an abused child without a support net outside of their abuser won't have the same development as an abused child who does have SOMETHING or SOMEONE to hold on to)

gilbert, clearly, is out for blood. his own and someone else's.

because, technically, that's how he was raised. and auguste managed to make an environment that enabled those harmful behaviors (because they were enabling his own!)

when angry, gilbert explodes, he breaks whatever is in his path, and his intentions are to hurt, to break, to cause damage to anyone. auguste taught him that, auguste exploded towards him a lot, gilbert says it himself, he says that auguste would beat him up when he was angry, and those would be the only times he felt loved (it's also shown that auguste would sometimes be kind after he beat him up, but i don't think he mentions this)

(from the backstory chapters):

bonnard: are you sure you can talk like that about him? he's your guardian

gilbert: i just wanted to get his attention. i have to take drastic measures ... or he won't even touch me.

bonnard: what do you mean?

gilbert: when i make him angry (see how he's blaming himself? he's a child here, he's 9!) he treats me with so much violence that i feel like my head is going to be ripped off (because auguste shakes him around violently)

bonnard: i didn't know he was sadistic!

gilbert: and even then ... i prefer that more than when he comes up to me ... but then walks away without trying anything.

sex and assault have also been used against him when angry, too.

so that sort of explains (BUT IT DOESN'T JUSTIFY) why he thought "oh i can do this to carl because i'm mad at him and because i know he wants me so bad anyway. then if it goes badly i can probably apologize to him and it'd be whatever." because that shit has been happening to him FOREVER. and he's been taught to think it was okay.

reading the scene again, you see he's taunting carl, saying that CARL is who wants this, and that this is his opportunity to do whatever he wants and satisfy that need to "possess" him

it's hard to explain a lot of things, but one thing that's clear is that he's using the language auguste and his abusers have used with him before ("you want this, so do it") and he thought carl might've followed along ... then he laughs when carl hits him, saying (direct quote): "hah ... i guess there's still space in you for god. that's great, cling onto him, protect him ... make sure i don't possess you ... make sure the devil (gilbert) doesn't possess you! make sure to tell that to serge, too. he's your best agent, your chosen one. but he needs to know that it's dangerous to get close to me! because I'M the devil that threatens to devour his pure heart! and if he gets close, he'll end up hurt."

a part of me wants to think he's projecting some of his own feelings towards his own abuse, because later on he does admit he feels trapped in his situation, he admits he just let people hurt him because he didn't know any better, stuff like that.

anyway, oof. he's portrayed as the biggest and main victim in kazeki despite it all, unlike auguste, who is very clearly the antagonist in everyone's lives despite him ALSO being an abuse victim (CSA and abuse in general from his adoptive brother)

i think it's nice that he's still seen as a victim despite that, because in the end all of this happens when gilbert is a child, a 13 year old, very poorly socialized and extremely mistreated and dehumanized throughout his life and stuff ......

it's really hard to explain how i feel about gilbert (despite me LOVING his character and feeling a sense of connection) without making it sound like i'm defending his actions because he's genuinely awful sometimes lol what am i even saying atp

[luciferfemme]

Aww thanks bestie!

I mean lbr real my YouTube channel changing every five seconds because I have so many topics I could talk about for hours is like a whole thing that said...

writing in general - I feel like this is pretty vague but actually considering I've been writing for 20+ years at this point it turns out I have a lot to say about it.

Good Omens/Hazbin Hotel (fandom stuffs?) - I have such a deep love for fandom and fanfic and in particular GO and Hazbin are kind of my two great loves (as well as Helluva and could talk about them forever)

Lucifer - I don't really get the opportunity to discuss this like ever but I'm always eager to discuss it more.

Coding - this is a new one for me. I am still learning but I'm actually excited for it for a long time I kind of thought it wasn't something I could do so I think now figuring it out I do want to talk about it.

Butches - my love for butches and studs and lesbianism in general I've made many a YouTube video about this subject and many a post here because I just love them so much and always want to discuss it so yeah.

Oof who to tag @fanby-fckry @b0neheadbvtch @sister-of-the-tharpe @phluphfy @wilyserpentofeden

Thanks so much for the tag @thingsfrommyhead !! I'm starting a new post as the original was getting long 🙂

List five topics you can talk on for an hour without preparing any material :

1) Plants

2) Music- genres, etc.

3) Rizzoli and Isles 😁

4) Vegetarian cooking

5) Craft Beer/Beer styles in general

No pressure tags- @release-the-sheep @detective-jane-rizzoli @dis-connectfic @lastonethereisaniceperson @galwithalibrarycard