#i've been meaning to make a post that's been weighing on my heart for quite a while but idk how to word it without it sounding blame-y

[you-will-return]

--

(I keep telling myself that I won't post it and then I don't and then I feel annoyed with myself but I tell myself that I shouldn't post it and then I don't and-)

[iheartpeppino]

I thought about posting this on AO3 but I realized that tagging it would be a nightmare, so... here it is, my love letter to Peppino Spaghetti, in response to his letter to me. (For context: we are engaged in this scenario.)

Dearest Peppino,

It was very sweet of you to find the time to write me a letter when I know how busy you've been with the pizzeria. I honestly can't stop reading it over and over. It warms my heart to know that even with all the stress you take on daily, working as hard as you do, you still think of me and make time for me. It amazes me how much you really do love me. Then again, we wouldn't be getting married if that weren't the case, right?

Mom and I have been keeping quite busy planning the wedding. Currently, she's trying to find someone who will supply the flowers. I'm trying to work on the guest list and decide who's doing what during the ceremony and the reception. Making so many big decisions for such an important day is exhausting, but in the end, it'll be worth it. Because it's going to be the perfect day that celebrates our love, Peppino. And I couldn't be more excited about it.

I know you're nervous about the big day, sweetie. I don't like the idea of standing up in front of so many people, either. And I totally understand you not wanting to wear itchy clothes. I want you to be comfortable, so... if you wanna wear your normal clothes plus a bow tie to our wedding, I'd be okay with it! Heck, wear your hat, too, if you'd like! I mean, the dress I picked out isn't exactly traditional. As long as you look nice and feel comfortable, you can wear whatever you want, okay? This is your day, too, sweetie. I care about your happiness just as much as you care about mine.

And hey, don't worry about all the people watching us during the ceremony. They're gonna see us, and they're all gonna be jealous of us. Because we found each other, and we're planning to spend the rest of our lives together. How many people can safely say they found their other half? Not many!

I keep picturing our big day. Me, walking down the aisle, wearing my dress. You, waiting at the altar for me, smiling at me. You're sweating nervously, but you're just as excited as I am. I approach you, take your hands in mine, and gaze into your eyes. I get lost in my feelings of love for you even as the preacher drones on; I barely care about a word he says as I focus solely on you, and how happy you make me every time I'm with you. Oh, I'll pay attention when I have to. I'll say “I do”, exchange rings and vows with you. And I'll do it all with passion! But just know that all the rest of the time, I'll be too busy floating on cloud nine, because I'm so happy I'm finally going to be your wife.

Hey, Pep... I didn't want to worry you, but... there's a reason I haven't been stopping by as much lately. I've actually been feeling a bit depressed lately, and it's been weighing on me. The world is a pretty messed up place right now, and it's hard not to feel down about it. Honestly, I need to stop watching the news. There are too many genuinely terrible people out there who have nothing better to do than to take advantage of those more poor and desperate than they are. It's super-disheartening, to say the least, and I've lost so much hope for this world.

Receiving your letter when I did was like someone turning on a light in the dark.

I think as long as you and I stick together through this world's craziness, we'll be fine. Like you said, we're doing this life thing together. Whether it's taking care of the restaurant or something bigger, we'll do it as a team. I've got your back, honey! I know you have mine, too.

You know how you say I make you feel calm even when you don't want to feel calm? You have the same effect on me, honestly. Whenever I see you, or hear your voice, or think about you, I'm suddenly grounded. I'm not freaking out like I usually do. So strongly you have won my heart, you've calmed the storm in my brain. You really are a special man, Peppino. I'm so happy you're mine. And I'm so, so grateful to be yours.

Please do me a favor and take your own advice. Don't push yourself too hard, and remember to take breaks, okay? I know you're a strong man who likes to work hard and get things done, but your mental health ALWAYS comes first, got it? If you ever feel like you need a break, don't be afraid to ask for help and take one for as long as you need. I mean it. I'll be mad if you push yourself too hard! I don't mind taking care of you, but the last thing I want is for you to make yourself sick because you were too stubborn. I don't mean to sound like a nag, I promise. I'm just worried about you. Please, please take care of yourself, Peppino! I love you with all my heart and soul, my beautiful sweet man!

Love,

Melissa

P.S. I've been thinking about our future together... how do you feel about starting a family?

[darkstar225]

Twice's 10th member's love language is touch but Tzuyu's isn't 😓

A/N: Hey guys, I'm sorry for disappearing but I got my wisdom teeth out so yeah- lol. Anyway- I got an ask on Tumblr and I loved writing it, ty anon! :D

The request: hii if your requests are open can i request something? maybe a fic with tzuyu where reader really wants to be affectionate, but knows tzuyu isn't very keen on that so they hold back until tzuyu starts to notice that somethings wrong and asks reader. then tzuyu is kinda like "why wouldn't you tell me this?" and reader admits that they didn't wanna make her uncomfortable, then tzuyu holds them until they fall asleep

PS: Tysm for everyone that reads what I write, I hope I can bring a smile to your faces every time I post! I'd like to thank whoever sent me this idea 'cause I loved to write it <3

__________________________________________________________

In the heart of bustling Seoul, the vibrant energy of the city met the soothing tranquillity of a well-maintained apartment complex. Here, in this abode, lived Y/N, the youngest member of the global sensation TWICE, and a girl whose heart held a secret she yearned to share.

Being the maknae of the group, Y/N was practically bubbling with youthful energy. Her days were filled with laughter, music, and the kind of friendship that made her feel truly blessed. Among the group, however, there was one member she looked up to more than anyone else, Chou Tzuyu. Tzuyu, with her elegance, poise, and that quiet strength that resonated with the younger girl, was someone she held dearer than just a fellow idol.

Y/N admired Tzuyu to a level that transcended mere fellowship. In her eyes, Tzuyu was the older sister she had never had. Every smile, every word, and every action of Tzuyu seemed like a guiding light to TWICE's child. And yet, she held back, for she knew Tzuyu wasn't very keen on excessive displays of affection.

It wasn't that her unnie was cold or distant. She was just more reserved, more comfortable with her personal space. Y/N had picked up on this early, and while her heart ached to shower Tzuyu with the affection she felt, she restrained herself. She didn't want to make Tzuyu uncomfortable. She didn't want her older sister figure to feel burdened by her affection.

Days turned into weeks, and the secret Y/N held started to weigh heavily on her heart. Her bright eyes carried a touch of sadness that only the perceptive eyes of Tzuyu could detect. It was during one rehearsal, as they were running through their choreography, that Tzuyu finally noticed. 

The way her sister seemed to hesitate before engaging in a group hug, the subtle sigh that escaped her lips when her hand brushed against Tzuyu's, the almost imperceptible flinch when Tzuyu playfully ruffled her hair. All these signs were like a mosaic of emotions that Tzuyu began to piece together. (finally)

After practice that day, Tzuyu waited until the others had left. She turned to Y/N, her gaze soft but probing. 

Tzuyu - Darling, can I talk to you for a moment?

Y/N looked at her with wide eyes like a deer in the headlights, momentarily caught off guard. But then, she smiled, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. 

Y/N - Of course, Tzuyu unnie!

They sat down on the edge of the practice stage, the silence between them comfortable yet tinged with an unspoken question. Tzuyu fiddled with the edge of her water bottle, glancing at the youngest from time to time. After some time, she spoke first.

Tzuyu - Is there something bothering you, darling?

Y/N bit her lip, her gaze fixed on the floor. She hesitated for a moment before her heart won over her apprehension. 

Y/N - Tzuyu unnie, I... I want you to know how much you mean to me. You're like the older sister I never had, and I really admire you. But I know you're not very comfortable with a lot of physical affection, so I've been holding back. *pouts*

Tzuyu's eyes softened, the realization dawning on her. She placed her hand gently on her sister's, causing the younger girl to glance up, her eyes swimming with vulnerability. 

Tzuyu - Bae, why wouldn't you tell me this?

Y/N's voice trembled slightly as she answered. 

Y/N - I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, unnie. I didn't want to burden you with my feelings. 

Tzuyu sighed, a mixture of understanding and exasperation. 

Tzuyu - You silly girl. You could never burden me with your feelings! If anything, you've just reminded me how much I cherish our bond.

As Tzuyu spoke, Y/N's heart felt lighter than it had in weeks. She blinked away tears, a mixture of relief and gratitude flooding her. 

Y/N - Really?

Tzuyu chuckled softly, the sound like a melodic jingle. 

Tzuyu - Yes, really. And you know, it's not that I dislike affection. It's just that sometimes, I get caught up in my own head. But for you, I promise, I'll try my best. 

Tzuyu's words were like a warm embrace, a comfort TWICE's angel had been yearning for. The weight she'd carried on her heart began to dissipate, replaced by the genuine affection that flowed between them. At that moment, Y/N realized that her admiration for Tzuyu was not one-sided. Tzuyu cared for her just as deeply.

Y/N - Can I hug you, unnie?

Tzuyu smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners. 

Tzuyu - Of course you can, honey.

And so, in that empty practice room, the pair shared a hug that spoke volumes. It was a hug that carried the weight of unspoken emotions, the depth of their connection, and the promise of a bond that would only strengthen with time.

As they pulled away, Tzuyu's hand found its way to Y/N's hair, ruffling it playfully. Y/N laughed, a sound that echoed with newfound joy. Tzuyu's smile was brighter than ever, a reflection of the happiness she felt in being able to offer comfort to the girl who she saw as a younger sister.

Tzuyu stood up and extended her hand to Y/N. 

Tzuyu - Come on, let's head home. I'll make you some of my special tea. *smiles with her sweet dimples*

Y/N took her hand, a radiant smile gracing her features. As they walked out of the practice room, side by side, it was a picture of sisterly affection that neither of them would ever forget. And when they finally settled down with cups of tea, Tzuyu held Y/N until she fell asleep, the bond between them stronger than ever, bathed in the warm glow of a newfound understanding and love. As the older members woke up the next morning, they saw this image and could only have a single thought:

We love our maknaes.

A/N: I apologise for any errors, English is not my first language. Pls, let me know if there's something wrong, ty for reading <3

[forest-hashira]

i need to be honest with you guys

i really don't want to be Like That and say that i've succumbed to the whole "my writing is worthless if it isn't popular etc. etc." mindset but like. i think i kind of have. i know that my writing has worth even if nobody reads it, and for a long time i was fine with not getting much attention on my works. i was happy with what i was writing, i didn't really care if anyone else read it, because i liked it, and that's what mattered.

and then i started writing Noble Blood, not just a bunch of mini fics that had no worldbuilding and very little plot.

Noble Blood is very precious to me. i've never put as much time and effort into a project that has actually turned into anything beyond some very vivid mental images and a handful of bullet points in a google doc. Noble Blood means so fucking much to me. and as much i desperately wish it didn't, the fact that it has not done well over the last three months has really, really hurt me. i know that engagement isn't everything, and i know it doesn't signify how good or valuable my writing is, but it's also not wrong for me to wish that people would interact with it in some way, because without those interactions there's no way for me to know if anybody's even reading it at all, much less if they're enjoying it.

and beyond that, i feel like whatever little niche i may have had before is gone, or at least expanded to the point that i feel like i've been pushed out. i don't want to make anyone feel bad, so i'm definitely not going to name any names, and again i really don't want to make anyone feel bad or like i'm attacking them. that is not my intention. i am just trying to be honest about what's been going on in my head lately. but i have writer friends who used to mostly/only write smut with little to no plot and are now branching into fics with lots of worldbuilding and plot and little to no smut, and i'm happy for them! i'm glad people are comfortable and confident enough to do that, and i am more than excited to read those things as they're published, genuinely i am. but i feel like that was what i had going for me, what made what i was writing stand out from everything else. and now i feel like i don't have that anymore.

i'm not entirely certain i know where i'm going with this, or what i'm trying to say. but this has been weighing heavy on me for a while. i don't want this to come across as me whining because my stuff hasn't gone viral, or begging/guilting people into reading my works, or anything like that, and i don't want anyone else to feel like i'm upset with them or think that i feel like they don't deserve the attention their works get, or anything like that, because i don't think or feel that way; i'm genuinely so happy that people are exploring things that interest them and are enjoying writing those ideas. i just wish it was working out for me like it's working out for them.

this isn't a post to say i'm quitting writing forever (i don't think i could even if i tried to), and it's not me saying i'm going to delete everything i've posted and disappear, because i'm not going to do either of those things (though i can't say the thought never crosses my mind). I am just struggling to find a reason to keep doing what i'm doing, because my disappointment and frustration with how poorly everything i post here does has now been bleeding into the enjoyment i usually get from writing, and it's making writing feel Very Unpleasant. i don't want to quit but i don't know what to do anymore.

to anyone who does read & interact with my fics, mutuals especially, i will never be able to thank you enough for your support. it seriously means the world to me, and i owe you an eternal debt of gratitude. i love all of you from the bottom of my heart.

if you read this far, thank you for listening to my (probably pointless) rambling, and i'm sorry for taking up so much of your time. i hope life is treating all of you well, and that you're taking care of yourselves as best you can. i love you guys 💜

[chaoticgood-munson]

🎵💿 discography tag 💿🎵

Rules: pick an artist or a band and share your favorite song from each of their albums, then tag some mutuals!

thank you for the tag @princess-josephina!

No pressure tag: @mybffjoe @ghostinthebackofyourhead @icallhimjoey @pinkrelish @word-wytch @choke-me-joey

Artist: Twenty One Pilots

This band has been there for me in a lot of ways

Album: Self Titled - Taxi Cab

This album is heavy with religious theme due to Tyler (the singer and song writer of the band) struggling with his faith in his life when he was younger. I'm not a very religious person and don't interpret this song that way for myself. It makes me think about going off on your own for the first time and dealing with the crippling anxiety of it all.

Album: Regional at Best - Kitchen Sink

When I first heard this song it made me quite emotional because I felt seen. The lyrics that really get me are "nobody thinks what I think" because, growing up, it was incredibly frustrating to me when my family would force words into my mouth as if they understood what I was thinking. Especially when I later opened up to them about my depression. It later felt like they would try to relate and make it about themselves rather than helping me. But then the final lines "Leave me alone, don't leave me alone" is what does me in because I started to push them away and not ask for help but, fuck, I didn't want to be alone in what I was going through.

Album: Vessel - Migraine

I started not to feel so alone when I first heard this album. If you haven't listened to it, please do. I have seen this band live 6 times now and every time they play this song, Tyler yells to the crowd "Is anybody out there?!" but that's besides the point of why it's my favorite. My favorite line from the song is "But I know we've made it this far, kid." and that gives me the motivation to keep going. I've made it through 26 years of life, why not live through more?

Album: Blurryface - Not Today

This song is about confronting your demons, your insecurities, your depression. When that monster tells you, "Not today", you push that aside and prove them wrong. This entire album is about taking that demon face on, fighting them, and winning.

Album: Trench - The Hype

I love this song a lot. It's hopeful. It makes me think of the people I hold so near and dear to my heart, especially with the lyrics "Nice to know my kind will be on my side, I don't believe the hype" but it's spoken from a younger version of yourself. And so it makes me think of the friends I lost but also about the journey I've been stumbling through to get to the point I am at. "No I don't know which way I'm going, but I can hear my way around."

Album: Scaled And Icy - Mulberry Street

I've talked about this song before in a previous post a while ago, but I will talk about it here. This album means everything to me. Along with the band, this album had essentially saved my life. But this song is all about acceptance in your struggles and not letting them weigh you down. I love a lot of lines in this song, but the one I love the most is "Keep your pills, save your breath, and don't ever forget"

I know this was a lot. For those that end up doing this, please don't feel like you have to put in the effort as I did. Music just means a lot to me and I love telling people about the things that make me happy

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

Yeah Yeah, The Limerence, We've All Seen It.

Soooo... I've been loopy enough this week to almost break my own rules about "don't post anything about the Muse that's both weird and obviously identifiable" and that feels like a sign to maybe examine what's going on.

(Extensive, eye-wateringly boring feels under the cut.)

I've been sick, and apparently my inner adolescent has been louder than usual. When I was actually a teenager, being sick enough to stay home was always a mixed bag because on the one hand, given that I was on track for burnout by that point in my life, I desperately needed the rest. But on the other hand... Lowell. Enjoy catching up on lecture notes and homework if you miss more than one day in a row. Things are probably more seamless now with the internet fully integrated into people's lives. But back in my day- (yeah okay I'm cutting myself off here, that's not the point of this entry)

The point here is that being sick with a bunch of projects weighing on my mind has probably brought me back to that same headspace I was in during high school. Annnd what did I do to self-soothe when I was in high school? Obsess over my first Muse, of course. I was not exactly discreet about that one; in fact I was pretty embarrassingly fucking loud about it in a way that I was not for pretty much anything else in my life. I am very lucky it only came off as "cute/funny" rather than "yikes/we need to stage an intervention".

And here we are again. Stressed and sick, a little loopy, and wanting to wear my heart on my sleeve like a highschooler.

Ahhhh, limerence. Where would the world of art and music be without you? I mean, what else are you really gonna do with those feelings anyway. May as well sublimate them into creative output. Dante's Beatrice comes to mind, or Shakespeare's Fair Youth. I also think about Berlioz being instantly, absolutely bonkers obsessed with Harriet Smithson... until he later discards her for someone younger and sends her on a downward spiral that ruins her mental and physical health. Acting on these feelings doesn't always go well in real life. I'm well aware.

I've noticed that a lot of self-help material these days models limerence as an "addiction", and recommends going cold-turkey on the person in question to get over it as soon as possible. And look, I'm not going to claim that this shit is totally healthy; I think it's telling that a lot of us who have c-PTSD find ourselves dealing with limerence more often than the rest of the general population. But at the same time calling it an "addiction" (especially with all the moral baggage that comes with that word) feels... off.

Would that make me a "functional addict"? I don't feel like that's the right description for my situation. It's not like being in limerence is holding me back from my full potential right now--quite the opposite. I'm finding my way again after years of feeling lost, thanks at least in part to the Muse. I still have some hangups about the whole "am I doing this for him or am I doing it for me" thing, but I'm hoping that if I can keep this going long enough I can find a way to truly believe in myself as a creative being. And weirdly enough this whole thing has been helping me articulate some stuff about my gender identity. Also it's kind of... led to me having a better body-image? I dunno if it was just some background-level dysphoria that got resolved when I figured some things out about my gender, or what. But it's difficult to look at this whole experience and be like, "yeah, I should definitely stop thinking about him and go do something else with my life". Is that even possible at this point?

Also I don't completely jibe with this whole "you don't actually want to know what your limerent object is really like, you'll be in denial about them as a person even if you try to get to know them" idea because I feel like that's not true in this case. (It was true for the Muses I had when I was especially vulnerable, but it's not been true for all of them.) I would dearly love to meet this Muse in real life, to get to know the person whose artistic output inspired me so. Even if it meant confronting a contradiction between the real flesh-and-blood person and the image I've built up in my head. But I also realize the chances of that ever happening are... slim. I'm strange and off-putting and I come from a very different world than the one he inhabits. I am aware that I'm not everyone's favorite flavor.

Admittedly though... the whole "he'll probably be mildly repulsed by me and my depraved ways" thing has also been fodder for my fantasies. I have a bit of a corruption kink and he seems so adorably wholesome in a way that makes the blood pulse a little harder behind my canines, LOL. So I can't say with complete confidence that I'm being "realistic" about what I'd come off to him as--I might still be feeding a very specific fantasy dynamic in my head.

Over-analyzing this shit is also pretty emblematic of limerence. Ha!

I also have to wonder how much of the over-dramatic-ness of these limerent crushes is due to being aspec. Once puberty was over, I gradually stopped finding people attractive on sight and settled into being mostly demisexual. That's my primary model for how relationships and dating work for me; I have to get to know someone a little bit in order to figure out if there's going to be chemistry at all.

But the Muses do not fit this model. Aside from meeting one of my Muses by talking online, the rest of them blindsided me with feelings of immediate attraction. It's just so far outside my normal wheelhouse I hardly know what to do with myself. But also... it's hard not to ascribe some kind of significance to it, to find something special in experiencing this facet of the human condition. You feel so alive and the world seems to vibrate with possibility. Even the pain that comes with limerent desire still feeds the fire of my soul in a way that few other things do.

I believe the real peril is in deciding what to do with those feelings. Maybe don't get up from the audience in the middle of a play and yell at your limerent object onstage that you're gonna marry her (*glares at Berlioz*). I think the most ridiculous shit I've done while in limerence with someone has come about because I was incredibly vulnerable and had no room to spare emotionally to step back for a reality check. I'm hoping that I have the wherewithal this time around to keep myself from being stupid... mostly.

But that's why I have such a wide anonymity moat around my brainrot. I don't want a chance search leading to the Muse wondering for the rest of his career who in his audience wants to drink his blood sdfghjksdfghjks. I just need to make sure I stick with this even if I'm brain-fogged or hopped up on Benadryl.

[violetarks]

making up after a fight

anime: tokyo revengers

characters: hanagaki takemichi, sano 'mikey' manjiro, baji keisuke, hanma shuji

summary: how you two rekindle your relationship after hard times

warnings: afab! reader, use of she/her pronouns, third person pov

a/n: for all my tokyo rev fans, sorry i've only been posting "self-control" fics!!

↣ hanagaki takemichi:

Fighting with Takemichi was very emotional. And not beccause he;s crying as soon as the both of them raise their voices.

It was emotional because of stress. Which was the real reason why everything started. But at this point, where Takemichi stood in the past, he didn't even remember what they are arguing about. At least Y/N's mother liked him enough to let him in to apologise.

"Um... Y/N?" He called, knocking on the door quietly. He's nervous, because he's never done this before. They've never had a fight this big before. "It's—It's Takemichi."

There was no response to him, making Takemichi close his eyes and lean his forehead against the door. He hasn't fucked up this bad in a while. He was so caught up in saving Toman that he didn't realise the strain he put on their relationship. All the yelling and the tears had just now taken its toll on him.

Y/N was incredible special to him. When he first began getting into fights, she'd be there on the sidelines to intervene. She'd help patch him back together and be there for him. Even in his original past, Y/N was there.

But as it changed and got more intense, Y/N was getting overwhelmed.

"Are you alright?" Takemichi questions, hand against the door. He's kind of nervous that she'll just leave him alone, tell him to get out. "I'm sorry for fighting with you, I really didn't mean anything I said. Do... Do you want to talk to me? Or do you want me to go?"

Y/N was never one to fully run from her problems, she just needed some time to think everything over. She still loved Takemichi, after everything. He was still her love, someone who'd always get so flustered when she'd see him in an awkward situation. She was his, just as Takemichi was hers.

So she opens the door.

Takemichi, who was still leaning against the door, is now quite literally falling into his girlfriend's arms. He widens his eyes as his arms fall over Y/N's shoulders, tensing up once he weighs onto her. And he's quick to apologise.

"Ah! Sorry, I didn't mean to—" He's interrupted by the feeling of her arms going around his waist. His cheeks are heating up in a blush as Y/N hugs him closer, face nuzzled in his shoulder.

"Stay for a bit?" She mumbles, closing her eyes, "I'm sorry. Really didn't want to leave like that..."

He's soft for her, never able to say 'no' to something she wanted. A smile falls on his lips before he hugs her tighter, chin on top of her shoulders.

"I don't really wanna' go." He whispers out in a slight chuckle, heart racing. He holds her closer, wanting to make up for loss time. "I'm sorry too."

She grins at that, pulling away a little and pressing gentle kisses to his cheek. "I, um, have a confession to make." She mumbles, making Takemichi straighten out, "Because I was mad at you, I started watching our show without you..."

And he would've started a whole other silly fight about that if it weren't for the fact that he's seen that series like sixteen times. The only different is that now, he can re-watch it with her.

With a mock hurt expression, Takemichi sighs out, "I suppose I can brush off this one, Y/N."

She laughs back, ruffling his hair and pulling him inside the bedroom, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! This was the only way I thought I could get back at you!" She frantically shakes his arms. "Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me!"

He's holding her face in both of his hands with a smile. "Alright, alright. Just because you ask." He sighs out, shaking his head.

There it is. The smile that he wants to protect.

↣ sano 'mikey' manjiro:

Mikey holds true to his word and usually tries to avoid fighting with people he can't stand to lose.

So when Y/N storms out of the house with tears in her eyes and her last 'fuck you, Manjiro', Mikey can't help but feel drained. He can't always have things go his way, and he knows that.

But something about seeing his girlfriend be so mad at him, makes his heart cave into his chest.

Draken, who has passed Y/N by the entrance and noticed the look on her face, faces Mikey with a shrug of his shoulders. "Give her some time." He tells his best friend, noticing the antsy look on his face, "She looks Hella' mad right now. Probably just needs some space at the moment."

Mikey is sitting on the couch, slapping a palm over his forehead with a groan, "Shit. You think she'll come back here later?" He's got some thoughts running through his mind.

Draken sits down beside him, handing him a snack he went out and bought. "Probably. You two can't stand to be away from each other for more than a day." He claims, rolling his eyes, as if he wasn't needy to see Emma at least twice in 24 hours. Why do you think he was there now?

"But don't worry." He hums out, patting Mikey's back, "Y/N won't leave something unfinished. And she loves you, doesn't she?"

Draken actually waits for an answer. Mikey blinks before he clears his throat, "Oh, um... yeah."

"Then chill out." His taller friend scoffs out, standing up and pulling out his phone, "I'm taking Emma out. I'll have her home later."

Mikey nods his head, sitting back to wait.

Y/N and Mikey have never had a real fight before. It was usually just her scolding her boyfriend for coming back with bruises everywhere. Sometimes he'd tell her that it was necessary, so she'd just put it off.

But this time, it was too far. He had gone off to fight with Draken and Mitsuya, completely missing out on her night with her boyfriend. They had agreed that today would be their movie night, which had been pushed back so many times before. She was fine to wait until he got home, but then Mikey arrived with all these cuts and bruises.

It takes about four hours until he hears the door open.

Draken and Emma were out together, which left Mikey by himself in the house. He perks up at the sound, bouncing from his seat and walking to the entrance of the house.

There Y/N was, taking off her shoes before looking up to her boyfriend. The two of them stand there in silence, unable to say anything. But then Y/N bows her head a little.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Mikey. I shouldn't have said those things." She apologises, face heating up in embarrassment. In a heated argument, she tends to just say the most random shit. "I was just mad, and um..." She lifts a hand to brush the back of her neck. "I kinda' just missed you a lot recently.

Mikey is moving towards her, one hand landing on the top of her head. Y/N glances up at her boyfriend, who just tilts his head and smiles. "No, it was my fault." He claims, giving a small pat, "It's not good to make your girlfriend worry about you too much. I'm sorry, Y/N."

And she's taking his hand, the one on the top of her head, and lacing her fingers through his. Mikey gulps when she presses a kiss to his knuckles, bruised and bandaged. "If I didn't worry about you, then I'm sure you'd fall apart." She jokes, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly, "Just be more careful. And make some time to relax."

Mikey nods his head, melting into his girlfriend's embrace. He sighs, closing his eyes, "I will."

Y/N grins at him and holds tightly to both of his hands. "Good. Now, it's lunch time." She reminds him, pulling out a plastic bag from behind her back. He perks up at that. "I went out and got something to eat. Watch some movies?"

"I really love you."

↣ baji keisuke:

Baji's a good boy. He never really likes to argue with his girlfriend because he loves her. And you shouldn't like to do that. If you're normal, y'know?

"Keisuke, that was stupid." Y/N claims in an angered tone, shutting the window of her bedroom after Baji sneaks in at 1 AM. A few streets down, there's a firetruck — no, no, there's two, another one is pulling up into the street — putting out one of Baji's late night adventures.

Baji doesn't say anything, only standing in front of Y/N as she closes her blinds. She doesn't expect him to talk yet, mainly because she believes they've said all they needed to in their argument earlier that day.

It was just about how he needed to focus more on school than Toman. And she understands just how important Toman is to Baji, it's his life, but his mother had voiced her concerns to Y/N. She was practically balling her eyes out to her when Baji comes home from another fight. Y/N had tried to have a conversation about it but with Baji's tiredness mixed with Y/N's willingness to push him harder to studying, it didn't go well.

He ended up storming off and leaving Y/N to comfort his mother. Hours later, when Y/N had to go home, Baji had returned to apologise. He promised his mother that he'd do better, and he wanted to keep that promise.

Y/N knew that as soon as she saw the fire outside her window, that it was her delinquent boyfriend just blowing off some steam. So she called him to come here before he got in trouble.

She dug through her closet, grabbing one of Baji's hoodies that she did in fact steal. His shirt was currently burnt at the bottom. "Put this on. It's cold." She mumbles, handing it to him before going downstairs and grabbing a drink and a snack for him.

When she returns, Baji is curled up in her blankets and facing the wall. A habit he picked up once finally being comfortable in her house. She gives a small smile before setting the food on the bedside table.

"Kei." She whispers out, shifting in beside him and leaning over his shoulder. He's got this blank stare in his eyes. She frowns, laying back down and hugging his back. "I shouldn't have done that, pressured you. I'm sorry."

He's shifting in her arms, turning around and now wrapping his own arms around her, digging his face into her hair. "I'm sorry too." He mumbles, closing his eyes, "Was mean to you... didn't mean it."

Y/N smiles at that, inhaling that feeble sent of smoke lingering on his skin. He must've been really frustrated because of that fight. "We'll both agree to try our best." She states, earning a hum of agreement from her boyfriend.

She hugs tightly onto his back, glancing up to Baji. He blinks a few times with his heart racing, because of her.

He makes a small noise as Y/N leans up and gives him a soft kiss on his lips, quick and cute. Baji barely has any time to react before she pulls away, giving another smile.

"Aw, are you blushing?" She chuckles.

"You're seeing things—Go to sleep." Embarrassing, is what she was to Baji.

↣ hanma shuji:

Hanma has a hard shell to crack. He's always doing things on his own and never telling anyone what he really felt. Which became a problem in his relationship.

He's watched Y/N walk out of a room hundreds of times, always staring and wondering just where she was going. But this time, he watches her storm out with harsh steps and her flipping him off. She called a quick 'I can't handle you sometimes, Shuji, asshole'.

Because sometimes it's a lot for Y/N to have to deal with Hanma's constant pushing away of his emotions whenever she asks.

"Alright, I'm back." Y/N huffs, rubbing the back of her head and putting her keys down on on the table. Hanma sat in the same spot, leaning against the back of the couch, arm slung over the top.

She blinks at him before furrowing her brows. "Have you even eaten? I was gone for like three hours." She questions, hand on her hip.

She looks over to the kitchen table to see that the dinner they ordered before was still there.

Nope, he hasn't eaten yet.

"Shuji." She sighs out, walking over to him and tilting her head at his blank expression. He really doesn't care, does he? "Come on, I'll re-heat it for you."

She leans forward and takes his hands gently. At the end of the day, they still love each other. Y/N still cares for him and wants him to stay healthy. She pulls him to his feet.

Times like this were Hanma would disregard his needs and responsibilities just to be petty or get back at someone.

When he's standing up, Y/N squeezes his hands. "You're okay, Shuji." She says, tilting her head, "You'll be fine."

And at that, he goes limp against Y/N, making her take a few steps back before stabling her footing. "I—Shuji, hey." She begins, wrapping her arms around him and keeping him standing.

He was usually like this whenever he was frustrated or annoyed. Kisaki would get on his nerve sometimes and he'd come home and just lay on top of her, groaning on about how shitty his day was. Y/N was like a calming station. Somehow always getting Hanma get to his senses.

"Sorry." He says, "Being dumb..." It's short but he means it.

He's never been good at expressing the right emotions at the right times. Y/N learnt to deal with it, because at times Hanma's shell would crack. More frequent kisses and hugs and holding hands. She was never one to push something unless needed.

She feels him shiver a little before he hugs her back. A sign of him pulling himself back together. She smiles, leaning back into him and kissing the side of his temple. "Yeah, but I'm used to that." She claims, earning a click of his tongue, "Sorry for yelling at you, Shuji."

He hums back, arms around her neck as he pulls away, "Eh, I deserved it." He's sheepish about it because it's true. Y/N seemed to be right most of the time. "Wanna' eat now?"

"Sure, okay." Y/N responds, tugging him along to the kitchen, "You still wait for me to eat dinner with you? Even when we're fighting?"

Hanma rolls his eyes at that, hugging her from behind as she heats up the ordered food. He scoffs out, "Yeah, well, it isn't gonna' happen often. Might as well keep my habits the same."

She smiles. Her boyfriend could be cute, sometimes.

[fuckepilepsy]

I'm not doing EpileptiCon this year. Or probably ever. You might have figured that out, considering that in the past, I've posted announcements a week or so in advance, but have been silent this year. I probably should have said something sooner.

I know that as the progenitor of the concept, I kinda have a responsibity to be the spearhead of the event, but frankly, it's not worth it anymore. Interest and participation have dwindled every year since it began. When we had the first EpileptiCon in 2017, it was very successful, to the point of being a little overwhelming, so I expected it to grow every year.

But instead, the opposite has occurred.

Granted that 2020 and all of its attendant woes came along and took the piss out everyone, and 2021 wasn't much better. I also acknowledge that I let @the-twitchy-life MC EpileptiCon the last two years by herself. But right now I'm very rested and have ample time to do it, but I just don't have the heart for it anymore.

Here's a secret: last year, only two people entered for the EpileptiCon giveaway. Two. At the end I just bought duplicates of everything and sent them both the prize. If I recall correctly, there were forty-two entrants in 2017.

Furthermore, EpileptiCon prompts have improved every year between contributions from Twitchy and myself (with exception to the aberration that was 2020), but the response has been less robust each year. I don't know why. We've refined our approach, stepped up our game, tried it for a week, tried it for the whole damn month. Has the novelty worn off? Has the culture of the community changed? Is it me? I don't know.

It just seems like there's this core group of people who really care, but fewer and fewer people are really into it as time goes by. I deeply appreciate that core group, and I'm grateful to them for their continued enthusiasm, but it feels silly to go through all that effort--and in the case of the giveaway, all that money--just to see diminishing results.

Anyway. I don't mean to sound bitter or resentful. I'm really not. I'm very grateful to all of the people who have joined the party over the last five years. It's just that for whatever the reason, all of the excitement and anticipation I used to feel about EpileptiCon has become anxiety and dread. So it's time to stop.

I suppose that some element of my apprehension is a growing feeling of alienation from the community on my part. I started my first epilepsy blog in March of 2013. It was the first time that I had explored my identity as an epileptic, and as a disabled person, and the first time that I expressed things that had weighed on me for a long time. It was cathartic and energizing.

But that was a long time ago, and mine is the only remaining blog dating back to then. I've learned, over time, that the epilepsy community on Tumblr is largely ephemeral. For the most part, people drift in and out of it in a matter of days. Sometimes we'll get a new epilepsy blog that announces its presence, only to never make another post again.

And that's fine! Everyone gets to choose how much they want to interact with others, and choose the terms of their involvement with the community. It's just that it leaves me feeling old and out of place. Like I should have called it quits for good years ago.

I miss my old friends and fellow bloggers. I miss a lot of the people I never hear from anymore. I remember their names and the things that I admired about them. I miss ye olden dayes when I could unleash some absurdity or explosive outburst and have a bunch of pals play along. I miss the camaraderie.

The epilepsy community on Tumblr has always been gloomy, but it's just so quiet these days. We used to be an ornery bunch, and I drew a lot of energy from that.

Each passing year brings me farther from what I cherished about the epilepsy community on Tumblr, and I just don't have the heart to run an imaginary Internet festival for epileptics on anymore.

I'm sorry if this disappoints anyone. I feel terribly guilty. However, @haikyuupaladin has announced that they will be posting discussion prompts and keeping the conversation going, and I will be supporting that effort. I hope you will join me.

[day-dreamsinthedark]

hey! if your still taking requests could you do a Hawkmoon fluff maybe of her finding the grim reaper cover up tatto of the moon tat :)) thankyou

Hii! I'm so sorry about taking so long!! this is a bit short but I've started a few more hawkmoon one shots and I'll be posting those soon too :) This one is super short but the rest will be longer, I promise! I hope this is what you had in mind!

tw: cursing & some sad Eli. I think that's it. (set somewhere after season 4?) wc: 865 —

"Grim reaper?" Moon asked after tossing her boyfriend's shirt to the side, pulling back from her position on his lap to examine his now-uncovered chest. He didn’t even have to see her to know that she was smiling, he was quite familiar with the sound, but this was probably the first time that it stung.

The tone of her question was not quite what he expected. Or wanted.

If he were honest, Eli hoped that there'd be at least a twinge of sadness in her voice. He hoped the tattoo had meant as much to her as it did him. The idea of it meaning nothing hurt more than he expected. "Oh... yeah. I'm sorry." 

"No! No, I'm glad.” She said, biting her lower lip and taking a moment to think. “I like your tattoos, but they should be for you, you know? Not for me or anyone else." 

"Does that– did you not like it?" He asked, hoping to hide the disappointment that was weighing on his chest.

"No! I did.” Moon assured him, placing a quick kiss on his lips. “It was sweet. You're sweet. But you should probably never get a girl's name tattooed on your body. Unless it's like your mom or something." She giggled, readjusting herself on his lap so that they were close again. This time she laid her head in the crook of his neck, opposite his tattoo. 

He tried not to make noise when she began tracing the dark lines on his skin. Moon was always gentle– that was something he loved. Right now, however, there were chills running up and down his spine and all he could think about was how close they were. It’d been a long time since he’d felt her against him, all warm and giggly and perfect. He wanted to revel in the feeling, but he couldn’t fight the ache that grew in his stomach.

"You aren't mad that I covered it up?" 

"Why would I be mad?" 

"Well, I kinda did it to spite you." 

"If you'd done it to spite me, you would've shown me, silly." 

He was glad that she couldn’t see his face. Maybe he didn’t do it to spite her. The thought of any other reason almost felt worse. He was so angry that he needed to hide it, to change something else to avoid the pain of getting dumped. Having his heart broken so easily reminded him of what he was so desperate to not be, the sting of the needle was a relaxant by that point. And it made him feel bigger, so the decision was easy.

"Oh, yeah. I guess so." He said, mentally cringing at how embarrassingly sad he sounded. Leave it to Eli fucking Moskowitz to be a bummer with a girl straddling him. 

Moon sat upright again, and the knots started tying themselves in his stomach. Thinking about the way he used to act– the anger, the impulsivity, the cruelty. It still made him cringe and he couldn't believe she still wanted him.

"Are you okay, darling? What's wrong?" 

“I don’t know, I just… everything went to shit. I ruined everything and I just wanted to show you how much you meant to me, and I messed that up too.”

When his eyes met hers again, she had a comforting smile on her lips. Not wide and cheerful like the one she usually had, but a softer, warmer one that she only wore when he was in a bad place. “Baby.” She whispered, eyes closed as she pressed her forehead against his. “I don’t need some tattoo to know that you love me. You show me that by being here.” 

She pulled away quickly and her nose was crinkled, “And by not karate-chopping people, of course.”

He let out a breathy laugh. “You make it sound so embarrassing.”

“My cousin laughed when I told her that my boyfriend was a karate champion.” 

“Oh.”

He knew it was silly, childish even, to let something like that weigh down on his self-esteem. He learned to enjoy the spotlight, to enjoy the feeling of being seen, and to use it to his advantage. His life used to be a constant yearning for darkness–being so afraid of being noticed that it physically ailed him– but that person was long gone. 

“Well damn–” He started, hoping to make a joke of the moment. The goal was to make it seem like he could brush it off, as if every little critique didn’t slowly pull apart the mask that he’s braved for so long.

“And then she cracked her phone when I showed her what you look like.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, like, bad. It slipped out of her hand when we got on the escalator. Wasn’t pretty. That’s what she gets for being a little bitch.”

He laughed again. He had too. There was such a sweetness to her, even when she was angry. Her voice was like honey; sticky sweet and supple, he would argue that it was healing. He realized, Who gives a shit what anyone else thinks? 

He had her, he had his friends, and he had his family. That was all he needed.

—

[mgsapphire]

Ethics and morality... and how they're not the same...

Weird title, and I don't even know if I'll properly approach this one with all the topics I wish to this discuss in today's The Devil Judge essay, because a lot of things peaked my interest, I was debating on doing a separate post for each subject, but I'll do them all in here:

Starting simple

I know we're only 4 episodes in, but I want to break down the things that I often look for in a new show:

Cinematography

Soundtrack

Character building

Plot devices

Social commentary (sometimes)

Of course, these are things most people would consider basics, but I find that a lot of TV shows don't have enough balance in them. Also, cinematography and soundtrack are pretty up there for me because when a plot gets slow, or something like that, I stay for those two (biggest example: King Eternal Monarch).

The soundtrack in The Devil Judge is amazing and the cinematography can be a character of its own. They really get me hooked and are used as tools to properly tell a story. And I'll get into that further down this post.

The onlooker will never understand the actor

Experience is your best friend not only applies to job hunting, but it's true in the real world too. You can't truly weigh in on something unless you've experienced it yourself, you can give it your judgment and everything, but when bad things happen to someone, you'll never truly understand their pain. Am I bringing up because of the difference of mind in Judge Kang and Judge Kim's opinions? On how the public treated the minister's son? No. I'm talking about a very specific scene, where the cinematography told me to think that way and not the dialogue (it's that easy for my mind to be swayed). In episode 3, when the rich are about to dine right after the foundation's commercial for a better future, we see this aerial shot:

What's interesting about this? The seclusion and the enclosed feeling it conveys as a counterpart to the poverty shots we were just shown. Yet, these are the people making ads for a better future, what do they know?

They live comfortably behind concrete walls with no windows to see what goes on apart from the bubble they live in. This idea is further enforced at the party in episode 4, where they're not even a part of the donations, and watch and mock from afar as spectators. Yet, these people call the shots. They even call it commenting, as if they were watching the pain of others on TV.

The intriguing personality and the duality it encites

Now, this was a costume and wardrobe decision, but it was also very well thought of:

Judge Kim wears white and Judge Kang wears black. One is morally perceived by viewers of the show as morally good and the other is perceived as morally dubious at best. However, besides the costume and wardrobe thought put into this, we also have to think about the delivery of this scene and how it may further affect my detailing of this section. Judge Kang brings down the coats, and hangs over the coat to Judge Kim, he's the one who is making that annotation: You're pure, I'm tainted. This can have one of two interpretations:

Either Judge Kang believes Judge Kim to be pure and innocent due to his status as a rookie in the field

Or he believes Judge Kim to be morally white and himself morally black as he's looking at his brother's face and not at Judge Kim's heart.

Because most of the back story we're unveiling is through Judge Kim's perception, there's also an inherit bias we're having as well, because in Judge Kim narrative, he believes he's doing what's right and believes Judge Kang to be evil. In being served information about Judge Kang through Judge Kim's eyes, our bias is inherently skewed.

Another thing is that, when they put on the coat, they're standing in front of the other, as if the producers of this series are telling us they're two sides of the same coin.

The duality is made in more deceitful ways, which include:

A difference of classes that implies one has suffered while the other has not.

A difference of experience that implies one is more tainted while the other is pure.

A difference of age that implies one is a sly fox while the other one is is bunny about to be eaten.

A difference of temper that makes one erratic and the other logical.

Power dynamics

This one, in this one I could make a whole thesis based on just a couple of scenes in the drama. And you know I have to mention it: director Jung being the puppeteer.

It may not be as unexpected at first, nevertheless it brings forward a lot of things I've wished to touch upon for quite some time now. A woman being a puppeteer of an old man in the portrayed dystopia that The Devil Judge is painting makes much more sense than more common demonstrations of these dynamics where it's either a:

A man of power being controlled by a bigger man of power.

A man of power being controlled by a seemingly man of a lower status.

A woman being controlled by a man of power.

Although, there's nothing wrong with those power dynamics, and if they were to be used, a message could also be conveyed, this one in particular works as a megaphone.

A subversion of power in such a way can be interpreted as a true indication of the weak overcoming the powerful. Why? It is not that woman are naturally weaker than men, but that in society, patriarchy has been a big factor in taking voice away from women in order to give it to men.

In order for Director Jung to achieve her purposes, it's smarter for her to do it under the pretense that an old rich man in power is the one calling the shots.

This is better exemplified by her stance when the old man tries to excuse his behavior, and what her moral compass is. I'm not saying I agree with her unethical conduct, but that her morality is directly impacted by the perception of the public of her as a weak woman:

Just because a dog bites a human does the person get dirty?

This is telling on how she perceives the actions of the old man in gropping the waitress. She didn't do anything wrong, even if you touched her, you are the dirty one.

While she's evil, it's a refreshing and deep evil.

The public's opinion and how there's actually logic in the show's portrayal

The public opinion can make or break a person, even if it's not on a public trial like this. While "cancel culture" barely works in today's society, a person's reputation is forever tainted. The show does tell that, but it also exhibits the scary downside of it, by showing how easily it was to make people accept flaggelation as a fitting punishment.

There are many experiments that have tried to test the effect of societal pressure on an individual's decision and the effect of the authority's enforcement of power in the outcome of these decisions. Furthermore, theories based on analysis of human behavior not necessarily relying on experiments can also help break this down. What do I mean? Here's a small attempt at explaining:

Milgram Experiment on Authority: which measured the individual willingness to carry out actions that go against their conscience due to an authority's approval.

Argument from Authority; The idea that people are more likely to use an authority's opinion on something as an argument for their reason. This is often seen in science, where trusted authorities have done the research and offer it to the public. In here, authority bias also plays a role, as we often believe, at first, that an authority must be right.

Moral disengagement: basically speaking, because this is evil or bad, I'm not part of it and I most probably am not actively participating in it. One may disengage by moral justification, which means that before engaging in something that has been previously perceived as immoral, I'm changing my stance on it based on what I tell myself to be logical arguments. This particular form of moral disengagement is very effective in changing the public opinion. I'll be touching on another form further down this post.

Other factors played a part, but these ones in particular came to mind when public flagelation as a form of corporeal punishment was wildly accepted. First, an authority is the one telling them it's correct, to go ahead. Secondly, another authority (the minister) had previously shown approval to such unusual punishment. Thirdly, they are not the ones to be engaging directly in the act, and even if they were, it would be acceptable because an authority has told them so. They may even believe the punishment to be a necessary evil for the greater good.

In fact, the minister's son was actually correct when pleading his case, they were accepting it because it wouldn't affect them directly.

Regarding the cinematographic descent of the public opinion regarding the situation can better be exemplified by the old man we've seen through the episodes.

Does suffering justify misdeeds?

Today I came along the difference between excuse and reason. You may give a reason for your behavior, but it doesn't excuse it.

Not because I've suffered through shit, means I have to make you suffer too.

I may explain myself, but it's on the other side to excuse me.

Why I hate the unreliable narrator and why I love it so much

This story has been told mostly through the eyes of Judge Kim and what he hears and sees regarding Judge Kang, if anything, the narrative is very close to that of the narrative we've seen in The Great Gatsby. An enigmatic man is being narrated to us from the eye of a man who hasn't known him for a long time.

How is that an unreliable narrator? The narrator has their own set of bias and moral standards which function as lenses through which they see the world.

Another way of putting it would be the way teenage romances are often written in a first person narrative where either of the two teenagers is the narrator, so the author can sell to us something as simple as offering a pack of gum as the most romantic act on earth. We're perceiving interactions through rose tainted glasses.

In this case, we're seeing the interactions through Judge Kim's eyes who doesn't trust Judge Kang from the get go due to his own preset bias.

The narrative becomes even more unreliable as we're not exactly sure if what Judge Kang disclosed himself is a fact.

The reason why I love this narrative is because it leaves a lot of space to make simple plot twists to a narrative and make them seem grand, and can elongate a story without making it obvious.

The reason why I hate it is because sometimes, in tv shows mostly, we as viewers can see the other side of the story and grow increasingly frustrated with the main character's prejudice and misunderstandings (I'm looking at you my beloved Beyond Evil).

Also, because I have to wait for a long time before I actually have a clear picture of it.

[mooniefics]

— a life in your shape

pairing : jean kirschtein / reader

word count : 2.5k

tags : unrequited love, pining, near death experience, confession of love, hurt no comfort lol

warnings : canon-typical violence, descriptions of injury to the reader

summary : you've always wanted it, always pictured it, always ached for it. you loved when jean looked you way. all you'd ever wanted was a life with him, not just a life in his shape.

— originally posted 1 / 22 / 21 on ao3 —

the mess hall was buzzing with life, rowdy with the chatter of dozens of cadets seated at long tables and speaking through swallows of their food. glasses were lifted and set down, bowls and plates clinking, utensils scraping sharply over various surfaces, nearly so loud that you could barely hear yourself think. but it all seemed to come to an abrupt silence when you settled your eyes back on him, taking in his formerly pale complexion now bronzy and sun-kissed from your hours of training, the annoyed yet playful glances he shot to connie and sasha as he worked through his soup and bread, full lips forming words that you couldn’t quite focus.

you were almost embarrassed of how smitten you were with jean, but in your mind, you couldn't understand how anyone wouldn't be taken with him. his thin frame had filled out with lean muscle in the year and a half that you'd been training together in the 104th corp, somehow managing to grow even taller than he already was on that first day, still so spirited with his persistence to be among the best of this class, a lively spark that never seemed to dampen gleaming behind his eyes.

"oh god, this again, jean?" you heard connie bemoan exaggeratedly, pulling you from the trance that you were surprised the other three at the table hadn't taken notice of.

jean was almost pouting now, and you would've found it so endearing had it not been the next words to spill from his mouth, indignant and full of tenacity. "don't be an ass, i've been trying to figure out a good excuse to sit with her for days now."

you followed his gaze despite knowing exactly who you'd find his eyes locked on, and forced yourself not to frown when you were met with the sight of mikasa just a few tables away.

"she's out of your league, man. not to mention having a thing for jaeger already, and not to mention that jaeger wouldn't hesitate to hand your ass to you again if you pissed him off like you always do. cut it out."

"connie, that's mean!" sasha feigned offense on jean's behalf, most likely for the sake of goading the reply that came as a distraction to snatch the remainder of bread from his plate.

"i'm just being honest with him here. he's asking for advice, so i gave him some. jean always talks about being realist and yet he— hey is that my food?!"

you turned away just as connie was lunging himself across the table, hearing the sounds of his fruitless efforts to tear the loaf from the girl's mouth, propping yourself up on your elbows and allowing your head to fall into your hands with a heavy sigh.

"what do you think?" in an instant, jean's eyes were on you, amber irises looking so intently at you that you could already feel a bothersome heat flushing your face. but registering his question sobered you, and stealing a glance at the beautiful dark-haired girl seated somewhere to your left was all in took to snuff out the light flutter in your chest.

"i don't know, jean. i think connie's kind of right about the whole eren thing." you were honest with him on a surface level, but it still didn't feel good to see him frown when you told him something he obviously didn't want to hear. you tried to remedy it by offering something more introspective—something a bit more true to your heart. "what i mean is that.. i think you're selling yourself short. mikasa obviously has her sights set elsewhere at the moment, and i just think you deserve someone who can bring the same sort of.." you struggled with your words for a moment, how could you not when he was leaning forward like that, listening so intently to you and you alone. "the same sort of passion. someone who can reciprocate." someone like me. but you bit those foolish words back.

"you understand, don't you?" he implored, looking past the bickering mess that sasha and connie had devolved to and gazing with such longing in the other girl's direction, "i mean.. i've never seen anyone like her, no one as beautiful.." each word gouged at your heart, a cold, empty sensation that left your chest feeling painfully hollow. "i know you're a girl, but you can see it too, right?"

you could see it, you were painfully aware of how you could never match up to her unfamiliar yet alluring features, that graceful, slender frame that could somehow soar through the air with ease and still thrown you down onto your back so hard it would knock the wind out of you, introversion that gave off such a charming air of mystery to her admirers.

"yeah," you mumbled back, ignoring how a huffing connie fell heavily back into his seat beside jean, defeated, sasha happily gulping down her unfairly earned chunk of bread, only taking notice of how jean was too fixated on mikasa to pay your dismay any mind, "i see it alright."

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

the air was thick with an unrelenting heat, stinking of steam and coppery with fresh blood, your vision fading in and out. your head was ringing with a deafening, high pitched peal and such an unbearable, crippling pain. you could feel your boots dragging across the hot dry dirt as something tugged you back by the collar of your shirt, and the terror of a titan with its misshaped limbs and mouth hauling you to your demise made you thrash aimlessly, screams for help spilling out as a disjointed groan of pain. and though it almost sounded as if you were underwater, sinking further and further beneath the lapping waves of your impending unconscious, you heard it, muffled, desperate, thick with tears, your name spilling from his lips.

and suddenly you remembered, you remembered the kidnapping and the unfaithful comrades and the mission to save humanity's last hope, your former friend now an almost unrecognizable abomination with ymir, bertholdt, and eren sitting atop his shoulders, clasped in his monstrous hands, that had now resorted to flinging titans in his primal desperation for escape. and as you blinked away the spots blacking out your vision, head lolling uselessly to the side, you could see your horse, half crushed in a puddle of red on the yellow grass, and realized that the warmth streaming down the side of your face is your own blood.

"jean..?" you mumbled, uselessly, barely coherent, but the near sob of relief from behind you is like an anchor back to reality.

you could see his calves on either side of you, feet kicking up clouds of dust as he pushed you both back, further from the fray and carnage, as far as he could muster. one of your blade scabbards was missing, you could feel that the clip on your gas tank had snapped off in your spectacular fall caused by the titan that was flung down in your path, irreparable damage most likely made to the fine mechanisms within the housing of your gear. you felt utterly hopeless, watching as the shade of a tree just barely shielded you from the blazing light of the sinking sun, hearing jean's gasping pants from behind you, feeling how rapidly his chest was rising and falling against the back of your head as you slumped into his body, leaden limbs weighing you down uselessly.

"jean." you wheezed, trying desperately to crane your heavy head back to meet his eyes one last time, eyes that no longer harbored the naive passion of youth but still gleamed so radiantly, "leave me.. here. you're g'nna— gonna die.. if you stay..."

you could feel his violent trembles now, feel him rip his green cloak from his shoulder to press against the throbbing wound on your head. "no. i-i'm staying. i n-n-need," he was scared, you knew he was terrified of allowing what happened to marco to happen to you, or sasha, or connie, or anybody, even if the boy's death was nowhere near his fault, "i need to s-save you."

but you could also feel something else—feel it coming—the terrible, earth trembling footfalls of a titan making a shambling, uncoordinated advance to you and the scent of your blood. and suddenly jean was screaming, a sound so raw and petrified that you couldn't help but cry yourself at the sound of it. he laid you down on the ground, bunched cloak pillowing your bleeding skull, unable to push himself to his feet but still drawing his last blade to swing at the thing coming to kill you both, covering your battered body with his own.

and in that moment, you hated yourself. though your head was swimming and your lucidity was waning, you knew that you would both die there, under the baking sun and in the jaws of a titan, and it would be your fault. every regret that you'd ever harbored flooded your mind: not hugging your mother long enough when you still had the chance, not drinking that liquor when squad leader hange had offered it to you, and, most of all, never having the bravery to be honest with jean.

and you mourned all that lost time in those final moments, every late night you'd spent as trainees under the stars when you and your friends would sneak out of the dormitories to talk at some ungodly hour, every shared meal where you didn't speak nearly enough to him, every second of the crushing embraces you'd offered each other when the thought of your fallen friends caught up to you and proved to be far too much to handle on your own. how could you have done so much yet so little with your life?

and just as the titan was stumbling upon you, jean's scream of terror dampening out into a faithless cry, the thing was gone, galloping away to join a newly assembled horde descending upon one single point on the plain. but somehow, you felt no relief, not as you reached out a weak, trembled hand to grasp the blood and dirt streaked fabric of his shirt.

and as he turned to you, eyes still wide and body shaking with horror, thrumming with the adrenaline of near-death, you whispered, hoarse and tired as your grasp on the world slipped away. "i love you, jean. i love you."

your eyes fell shut, the involuntary spiral down further and further into the deep waters of unconsciousness pulling you in deeper and deeper by the second. you were grateful that you at least got to say something meaningful as your last words.

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

there was a bright light, delicate, billowing fabric flouncing about in your bleary gaze as your eyes barely opened, something wrapped tight around your head, not making the pressure of the pounding headache any better. you couldn't fight the groan that even the small movement of turning onto your back caused, but you tried to force your lids open just an inch more at the sound of a gasp coming from somewhere in the room.

there were fast footsteps, a few shouts of "sasha, no!" and then a crushing weight on your chest, squeezing around you, pulling you up in bed as a tearful sob of your name came from a comfortingly familiar voice.

"sasha. please. h-hurts." you barely managed to croak out, feeling yourself been torn free—or rather, her  torn away—as connie yelled.

"get off them, you moron, they're fucking injured!!"

"i'm s-s-sorry!" she wailed, allowing herself to be dragged to the door by the disgruntled boy, "i'm j-just so happy you're s-s-still alive!!!"

"and i am too, but that doesn't mean i'm gonna go throw myself on top of them while they're in the hospital!"

their bickering was almost comforting in a way, allowing the strain in your chest from sasha's hug to ease as you watched them elbow each other in the sides on their way out of the room to take their loudness out into the hall, blowing raspberries and struggling to not laugh through their feigned anger. and finally your gaze was allowed to wander over to the furthest wall from your bed, and you saw jean, staring down at his shoes, brow furrowed and lip bitten. and he seemed almost startled to find yourself in his gaze, feet slowly taking him to your side.

"i owe you my life, you know?" you said as he settled himself on the edge of the mattress, still not meeting your gaze.

"you don't owe me anything. you shouldn't feel in debt to me."

"but i do," you risked to settle your hand over his, finally drawing his worried, amber eyes onto yours, and you could feel your heart beginning to pick up, the butterflies that you had always forced to settle with a pessimistic thought to squash your optimism light in your chest, "i meant what i said before i passed out in the field. i always have."

and for just a moment, you thought that this was finally it, that you would no longer have to languish over wasted time and wasted words, fingers just barely curling around his warm palm. then, a knock at the door, light and delicate before the handle turned, pushing open to reveal mikasa.

and you caught every small movement of jean's features, the way his eyes sparked with a familiar light, the sudden, faint flush of color across his slender face, lips parting and just barely perking up at the ends. an endless, unwavering adoration.

"eren is awake, if you'd like to talk to him." that was all she had peeked in to say, but jean was still gazing at the door for a moment too long after she'd left.

"u-um.. if you don't mind—"

"go ahead." you told him, gently, pulling your hand away, retreating as far as your body could into the mattress, under the covers, turning your gaze away.

and though he'd slowly, almost nervously exited your room, you could hear the clear pick-up in his pace as soon as he'd shut the door behind him and exited into the hall, probably rushing to try and catch mikasa for a moment alone in the hallway before he had to share her attention with everyone else.

and it hurt, like a blade buried between your ribs, being jerked and twisted with every memory of his affinity, the one that was never directed at you despite how you craved it. and you'd realized that you had melded a life in his shape, a life where you were always just a few steps too far behind, hand outstretched, reaching for him as you hurried to grasp at any minuscule opportunity to be with him, speak to him, hear his laugh and see his near blinding smiles that never seemed to last long enough to you.

but, perhaps one day, someday farther into the future. and if not then, maybe in another life.

[orangefoxes]

Hey, so I've been trying to submit a prompt but it won't work so here it goes I know this will be sad but what if Neil gets really sad and depressed (the reason is up for interpretation ex: bullied by jack or is haunted by PTSD) and so he becomes full of self hate and becomes anorexic and cuts himself #andreil (this would mean so much since I've been through similar circumstances and was strong enough to pull through and keep living, this book and your Tumblr have helped me so much)

Hi @soph-ie21 I am so sorry this took a whopping 4 years for me to post. I’m terrible for not checking my inbox as my notifications have been turned off for tumblr since I was like 13. I’m so glad to hear that you recovered from your ED, you must be so strong and I’m so proud of you as I know how difficult that is to do. I’m hoping this is the sort of prompt you were looking for, if you’re even looking after this long, as it’s not very dialogue heavy, but here you go.

TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDER, SELF LOATHING, ANOREXIA.

When in high stress situations, to cope, the brain releases a hormone called cortisol. It’s alright in small doses, helpful even. It triggers your fight or flight response and readies the body to do something, fast. Constant exposure to the hormone however, has some not so good long term effects. Effects that include, but are not limited to: high blood pressure, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, and, arguably the mildest, weight gain.

Cortisol results in weight gain for two reasons. The first is because it slows your metabolism, and the second is because the drop in blood sugar from constant high blood pressure means that you start craving fatty, sugary foods, which leads to overeating. Neil’s memory is not nearly good enough for him to recall what foods he had craved over the years, but he and his mother shied away from sweets and chocolate for dental reasons, it probably would have been a hardship for many kids growing up but Neil had never much cared for sugar anyway. However, what he and his mother did indulge in is a lot of fatty, fast food. Partly because it was cheap, partly because it was something they could eat while on the move, and partly because no one would look twice at two sketchy people in a Burger King or remember a beaten up old car briefly pausing in a drive thru.

While never giving much thought to how he looked (short of checking for ginger roots and the bruise on his cheek from where his mother had slapped that smile from his face), Neil does remember his weight fluctuating a lot when he was younger. The more stressful the months, the chubbier he got. It was in the quiet periods as he and his mother settled down and didn’t dare to venture into the supermarket too often that he began to lose it again. It was a cycle.

In Millport, Neil was at his lowest weight yet. There was only a solitary McDonald’s in town and Neil wasn’t about to become a regular. He stocked up on tinned food from the supermarket in his first week in town instead and meticulously made his way through them, heating the can up on the hot plate he had bought for four dollars from the thrift store in the high street.

He gained weight again once he started at Palmetto, he gained muscle mass too. This, of course, was thanks to three free meals a day and a new training regime with daily exercise. It was to be expected, but if, perhaps, he gained weight quicker than his teammates and muscle slower, well, he had bigger things to worry about.

Then he knew he was going to live.

Then everything with the Moriyamas was…well, not gone, but resolved.

That’s not to say there was nothing to stress about. There was the influx of reporters wanting to catch the Foxes’ attention to ask about Nathaniel Wesninski. There was Kevin’s impending break down as Riko’s funeral came and went. There was Aaron’s trial. Honestly it probably would have gone as stressful situations for Neil always go - here and gone just as quickly - except it turns out that Nicky cooks when he’s stressed, and Neil, well, he’s a stress eater.

After Aaron is declared innocent, Nicky resumes as normal. Neil…not quite. He’s constantly opening the cupboards to look for something to eat only to close them again when he finds nothing of interest. Without Nicky cooking, there’s nothing he can easily dig into and Neil, while accumulating many skills over the years, had never been a hand in the kitchen. The only things ready-eat that were consistently in the dorm were ramen and ice-cream. Even the thought of ramen makes Neil want to vomit and Neil wasn’t so desperate that he would resort to eating something as sweet as ice cream. Not that Andrew would let him if he did. (Andrew wasn’t a sharer).

He started to feel hungry.

He was always hungry.

The first few days he started to skip meals, he didn’t even notice he was doing it. Surely he didn’t notice he was doing it.

It’s just -

Here’s the thing.

Maybe he stress eats. Maybe his mother did too. They spent long car journeys with a family sized bag of potato chips resting by the gear stick and they spent half the time stuffing handfuls into their mouths and the other half checking the mirrors for cars that stayed behind them a touch to long. So maybe he stress ate, but it was never because of hunger: it was because of craving. It was because it gave him something to do with his hands. It was only when things quietened down, when the weeks turned long with the monotonous almost-existence that took up the majority of Neil’s life growing up (here’s something no one tells you about life on the run, in between the moments of sheer terror, it’s very very very boring), it was only then, that Neil actually began to feel things like hunger.

So when the hunger pangs began to curdle in his stomach, well, he didn’t mind. It meant he was safe enough to feel the hunger.

Maybe for the first couple of days he didn’t notice it. But then he noticed it.

He noticed enough to avoid things like rice and bread. Danger foods that packed on the calories and that made him bite the inside of his cheek until it bled at the mere thought. He noticed enough that he began to watch the others train and saw their muscles flex and couldn’t help but track their muscle growth and measure it up against his own. He always found himself lacking.

That’s when it started to get worse. If Allison spent 20 minutes on the treadmill. Then Neil would do 30. If Kevin did 40 push ups. Then Neil would do 50. If Renee had a salad for lunch, then Neil would just have a fruit pot.

The first time Andrew noticed that he skipped a meal, Neil just blinked. Being who he was, Neil didn’t do stupid things like stumble for lies and this time was no different. When Andrew asked about him not eating Neil just blinked like he hadn’t even noticed until Andrew brought it up.

He blinked and said “oh, you’re right. I got so caught up in watching exy reruns i didn’t even notice”

He said, “thanks, I’ll grab something in a sec”

Andrew breathed a scoffing breath down his nose, rolled his eyes and called him a junkie. He didn’t look at all surprised, as though Neil was only confirming what he had already guessed. Which of course is the trick all good liars employ.

Neil wondered if he would be surprised if he were to find out how impossible it would be for Neil to forget a meal time. He could never forget. All he thought about was food. It was all he thought about.

Food began to feel like it was all he cared about. Cared about more than school. Cared about more than exy. Is it terrible of him that that more than anything else feels like the worst thing?

And then, as things do, it got worse.

It turned into Neil stood in front of the mirror (looking at his body but not his eyes, never his eyes) and pinching the flesh between his fingers. Noticing every part of him that didn’t harden into muscle like the others. Noticing all the scars that had stretched strangely over a waist and thighs that are no longer as small.

He begins to peck at his food. Rip it into tiny pieces. Andrew looks down at his plate and glowers at him. Neil gives him a cheeky grin. He knows what he’s thinking. That this is just another one of those Andrew-mannerisms that Neil is taking on for himself. Like the sarcastic salutes and the blank, waiting stares. It’s so much easier to hide how little you’ve eaten when it’s all in pieces.

He didn’t know how to explain it. He just knows he needs to be thinner. He needs to weigh less. It’s not about looks. It’s never been about looks. He just needs to do this. He needs to be smaller. It will be alright then. Because then…then…

Well it will be alright then.

So here’s the thing about guilt and self loathing: they’re useless emotions. Andrew would be quick to agree. (Though Andrew is a hypocrite and is chock full of the both of them). His mother would agree too. How many times had Neil slipped poison into someone’s drink, stole from someone just as desperate, shot someone who maybe or maybe-not deserved it? And how many times after that did his mother pinch and prod at him and repeat the same mantra of “don’t you dare let guilt slow you down, you slow down and you’re dead”

Well, Mum, he’s slowed down. He slowed down so much that he’s stopped altogether and guess what? He fucking hates himself.

He replays it all in his head like a terrible loop. The boy in Switzerland that he tricked into taking his jacket so His fathers men would go after him instead. The old women he and his mother tricked into housing them and then slipped something in her tea until she slept and never woke up again. The homeless man who had broken into the house they were squatting in that Neil had shot on instinct. Seth.

Seth. Seth. Seth.

He fucking hates himself. Honestly the hunger pains kind of feel like the best thing he’s ever felt after that. The pain, the ache, he deserves it.

Then it gets worse. Then comes the worst part.

Andrew’s meds change again. The others had begun to make him irritable and he always had an energy crash by about 5pm and a terrible headache. The new ones wouldn’t be of much note as they did nothing groundbreakingly different, short of getting rid of the headaches and not sapping so much of his energy.

Except for one key side effect of the meds.

They suppressed Andrew’s appetite.

More and more Andrew is missing meals. He won’t even eat more than a tablespoon of ice cream. Neil watches him and adjusts himself to suit. He doesn’t know why, but he just can’t be eating more than him, he can’t.

The frustration he feels about Andrew’s meds soon turn to resentment. He hates that he has to watch Andrew not eat and not seem affected by it at all. Andrew lessens his exercise under Betsy’s advice and yet nothing changes. His weight stays the same. He probably even loses some thanks to the loss of muscle. Neil watches and Neil hates. He hates that if he skipped out on training he would pack on the pounds, he hates that his stomach hurt and hurts and Andrew doesn’t spare a thought on food at all.

He starts to avoid the roof. He starts to dodge Andrew’s gaze the same way he does his own in the mirror.

The next time they’re alone and Andrew leans in, more hesitant than he’s been in months, Neil jerks back and snaps “No.”

It isn’t even completely because of the resentment. The majority of it is because he feels disgusting and fat and he can’t bare Andrew touching him right now. Can’t bare him looking at him.

Andrew’s face closes off and he slides back to the other side of the couch. He’s searching Neil’s face, trying to find the misstep, trying to find what he did wrong.

Good, let him think he did something wrong.

Now that’s the resentment.

It’s immediately one of the worst things Neil has ever thought. He remembers sitting, trembling, on the roof, Andrew refusing to touch him saying “I wont be like them, I wont let you let me be”

And Neil’s trying to make him think, wants to make him feel -

Jesus Christ. He’s a piece of fucking shit.

He slams his way out of the dorm and runs and runs and runs.

He sleeps in the locker room and slumps out in the morning so he’s first in the main room for the meeting with Wymack. He sits on a chair that’s as far away from every other seat as it can get while still completing the make do semi-circle around where Wymack usually stands. When the others begin to filter in they take in his new seat, but don’t comment when they see his storming expression.

When Andrew sees him he pauses for a beat in the doorway before continuing to his usual seat on the couch. He stares at Neil blankly, but his hands are clenching and unclenching in his lap. Wymack hesitates but doesn’t say anything. The others play at being uninterested and only Aaron openly looks between Neil and Andrew with a steadyingly darkening expression.

Neil slams his locker and gets changed in the cubicles for the first time in months. He’s vicious in practice. Throwing in as many dirty moves as he can. Andrew stands in the goal and does nothing. When it’s only Wymack’s sharp whistle that stops Neil bringing his racket down on Matt’s arm when he attempts to steal the ball, Neil is benched.

He yanks off his helmet and slumps down on the bench and tries to remember how to breathe through rage.

He’s sat, pinching at the skin on his thigh, for ten minutes before Allison joins him. She holds out a breakfast bar and Neil stiffens.

“Eat, it might help you stop being such a raging asshole,” she says.

Neil takes the breakfast bar and when she doesn’t immediately leave he opens it and snaps a bit off with his fingers.

He stares down the rolled oats and nuts and grimaces at the sticky feeling of the syrup that holds them together. He feels sick.

“Are you going to eat?” Allison says.

Neil looks at her and huffs a bitter breath through his nose. A wry smile pulls at the corner of his lips.

He remembers that Allison battled bulimia for years.

You can’t lie to a liar.

She looks at his face. Concern trying to become anger that she’s trying to force to stay concern. She looks at his face and then over at Andrew, who is stood in his goal watching them as Kevin shouts at him to fucking do something already. She looks back at Neil.

“You know, relationships are hard enough without mental health problems in the mix. Seth and I were a terrible combination for many reasons and that was one them. I’m not saying it can’t be done or that it shouldn’t be done, I’m just saying it makes it so much harder. He used to try to make me eat. I hated him for that. Hated that I had to hide my own habits in my own room. One day, after he stopped me from going to purge one too many times we got into an argument. I said some disgusting things to him. The next day he was in the hospital because of an overdose. He had to get his stomach pumped. You know what the worst thing is? I don’t even remember what it is I said. I don’t know if what I did triggered him or if it would have happened anyway, but it couldn’t have helped. You’re always going to trigger each other at one point or another, it’s unavoidable. But if you know that and you don’t do anything to help yourself…well that’s when every shit thing you think about yourself starts to become true. So tell me, are you a piece of shit that’s going to drag everyone down with you, or are you better than that?”

Neil looks down at the breakfast bar. He still can’t make himself eat it.

He swallows harshly against the lump in his throat. He has to swallow two more times until he’s sure he can talk without crying.

“What’s betsy’s number?” He asks.

Allison doesn’t smile, but she nods like he’s done the right thing and pulls out her phone.

SIDE NOTE: I’d like to point out that Neil is very flawed and toxic in his thinking and Allison is harsh in what she says to him just because she’s a harsh person. If you have an eating disorder I know sometimes help and recovery seems like the worst thing in world and something you really don’t want, but please, please seek help. You can do it.

[anzcty]

Analysing Episode 6 Sylvie - her actions, her choice and a whole bunch of theories (Spoilers!)

After watching the Loki finale, I have been scrolling through Tumblr for quite a long time. I already knew that people's opinions were gonna be incredibly different but I definitely did not expect this much negative backlash. Especially when it comes to two specific topics - the Sylvie and Loki kiss and Sylvie's betrayal (/choice/actions). I'm gonna be talking about the latter, for it is another time I'll talk a lot about Sylki's relationship. (Beware that this post is also really long though)

First of all, everyone has different opinions and I respect that. I absolutely adore movies, books, TV-shows and videogames because despite what's happening within the story, each viewer has the opportunity to see something else in what they are shown (besides the obvious canon). What I mean is that everyone interprets certain scenes differently and gains the opportunity to make up theories. Therefore I want to clarify that I do, by no means, want to force my views upon others. It's nice to see people talk about the Loki Series (as long as it doesn't get too negative and hateful, iykwim) because every viewer can share their specific experiences with it :)

I'm gonna analyse Sylvie's character a bit ( because, well, I'm bored and I kinda wanna protect my beloved character that I've only had for a few weeks >:^0 AND the only thing I could think about the past day was this episode) and try to explain her actions in the finale (keep in mind: not justifying them, but explaining them).

I'm terribly bad at concentrating on one single topic point so I kinda made a 'list' with questions and whatnot that I wanted to dive deeper into. Your thoughts are also more than welcome!

I already want to apologise for grammatical mistakes, for I am not a native english speaker.

Sylvie's reason for being taken away by the TVA is still kinda unknown

You know, I've heard quite a few theories about Sylvie's nexus event by now. Some people say that she got taken away because she was playing with her toys in a way that indicates her having a good heart (playing as a Valkyrie and wanting to save someone, another hint may also be the reaction she showed towards someone else who got kidnapped by the TVA, yelling at the soldiers to "help them out"). Another theory is that she already knew she was adopted, unlike Loki who found out way later than her. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but we never got to hear the actual reason why Sylvie got kidnapped. Even Renslayer didn't say a word about it.

Now I'm gonna come up with yet another theory. What if Sylvie didn't really have a nexus event in the first place how we know it? In the final episode, Kang has said that he has planned out everything beforehand so both Loki and Sylvie would end up right in front of him. Did Kang's plan also possibly involve him getting killed by Sylvie? Hear me out: We don't actually know if the Kang we saw in episode 6 is the actual 'nice' Kang and not one of his evil variants. He has already talked about 'reincarnation', so who says that after ending the first universial war, Kang didn't reincarnate into someone with an unpure heart (aka, one of his evil variants)? That'd mean that the real Kang would have been killed and the Kang we've seen in the finale is actually an evil version that simply lied to both Loki and Sylvie. Besides that, we also don't know if Kang actually had that 'point' where he didn't know what would happen next. The show revolves a whole lot around trust, not only regarding the characters, but also the viewers. Who's to say that Kang said the truth? Maybe he planned it all out: He created the TVA, let Sylvie get kidnapped and therefore give her a reason to hunt after Kang, who in return could reincarnate if he got killed OR get killed and therefore give his other variants a possibility to conquer the universes yet again. Don't you think that it was kinda suspicious that Sylvie escaped so easily out of Renslayer's hands? The one person who's probably closest to Kang? (Even though, yes, she doesn't know who he is but Renslayer seems to play a very important role in his plan). What if the Kang we saw was the nice Kang though? Would he plan everything up to a point where another universial war would break out because he might know that there is indeed something/someone out there who could end it and therefore, possibly end Kang as a whole or create a new kind of system revolving around the universe? And therefore, get rid of the possibility of another universial war happening? Who knows. I am definitely overthinking and reaching at this point. One more thing that stood out to me while thinking about the episode again today (which kinda weighs more into my theory of Sylvie being a keypoint (or rather a puppet) in this plan): Kang has talked about his Tempad and that he knew that he would need it to have enough energy. But for what? Yes, his initial idea was to give it to Loki and Sylvie to rule over the TVA, but what if it was supposed to be used for another reason? Sylvie used it to transport Loki back to the TVA (though I kinda think he was accidentally transported to another timeline, hence the reactions of both Mobius and Hunter B-15) and therefore get rid of the only thing that could prevent Sylvie from killing Kang. The Tempad was used to secure Sylvie's path and therefore eradicated Kang's only option of safety. You can see the Tempad loosing it's glow after Kang was killed, possibly due to Kang himself being the origin of it's energy. But maybe, it only had enough energy for one specific action: getting rid of Kang's protection. I do think that Sylvie is now stuck at this place and somehow has to find a way back to Loki's reality. The Tempad clearly doesn't work anymore (at least in my opinion) and there was quite a long shot showing the Tempad up close, which is kinda suspicious tbh. Also, something regarding Sylvie's unanswered nexus event feels kinda odd to me, too.

My theory in conclusion: Sylvie (and Loki) are unconciously helping Kang with his plan (a big, big, BIG plan). They're his puppets, especially Sylvie, because she's the one who created the Multiverse to begin with. Think about Loki, who was said to be manipulated by Thanos in Avengers? It's basically the same train of thoughts.

Sylvie does not take Kang's offer into consideration

To be honest, this was something to be absolutely expected of her. Sylvie was kidnapped as a child, taken away from her home and family, and had to grow up in countless apocalypses where she could never form a real bond with anybody because she knew that those people were all going to die anyway. (Please don't judge me if I got that wrong, maybe I understood the next thing wrong? Idk, if so, I'm very sorry) She revealed that she was kidnapped way before Loki was even born (something I have to think about, too, because, if Loki is the actual Loki the other variants are based off, why did he exist after Sylvie? Wouldn't that make him a variant of Sylvie instead? Idk timelines and parallel universes are hard to understand for me :') I'm kinda stoopid ), therefore she must've had spent several decades of her life running away. She had no life at all. Her only goal was to bring down the TVA and whoever is behind it, driven by pure rage, seeking out revenge for stealing her life and basically forbidding her existence. And now that she has found said person, the only thing that'd be right for her character would be to go for the kill. As immoral as it may sound, it is the only thing that makes sense. And I am actually very happy that Sylvie's goals didn't change besides the fact that she did indeed soften up a little and has gotten someone really close to her. In contrary, it makes sense for Loki to do the exact opposite. His goals have changed. He does not act the way he did in Thor or Avengers anymore. He has found another goal for himself: to make Sylvie feel alright. He has had immense character growth and didn't take a chance to change his goals back in the Thor movies or in Avengers, (....maybe later in Thor: Ragnarok, kinda). This is exactly what I think might happen to Sylvie, too. She is at the beginning of her character arc. She doesn't take the chance to change her goal, but goes for her original goal instead. Said goal does not really have positive consequences (though, maybe it might have some? We're about to find out), which results in a so called 'negative character development', which Loki has already gone through. I think that Sylvie is gonna grow as a character in season 2 and get a positive character development in addition, just like Loki did. I highly doubt that she's gonna become the antagonist, it does not make sense at this point.

Why does she not take Kang's offer (besides her very obvious intention ofc)? That leads straight (or not so straight, pun intended) to the next thing I wanna talk about. Sylvie's distrust in everything and everyone. Besides not wanting to let other people go through what she has been gone through and wanting to let people have a free will, she also does not trust Kang with his offer of 'ruling' the timeline. And it might be because she also does not trust the one she'd be ruling with: Loki.

Why does Sylvie not trust Loki?

I don't even have a specific answer to that, except that Sylvie has an incredibly thick wall built up around her. Loki has always been portrayed as the one you should not trust because he's known for backstabbing people. Loki could have thought the same about Sylvie, but he didn't. Due to his character arc, he himself has learned to trust other people and tries to redeem himself with making himself a person others can trust (He may project that onto Sylvie, meaning that he puts his trust into a Loki variant and therefore in himself, too). You can connect that fact with both Sylvie and Mobius. They're both people who are incredibly important to Loki. He wants them to trust him. He openly told Sylvie about his mistakes and tells her that he's not that person anymore. Sylvie on the other hand does not trust that easily and is - in my opinion - a very important key regarding Loki's character development. It is incredibly hard for Sylvie to trust others (probably due to her trauma) and it therefore creates a very difficult situation for Loki, where he has to 'prove' himself as trustworthy. It's basically about 'trusting yourself' if you put it that way. It's something Loki has to learn about himself: not betraying the trust of others. Sylvie might have to learn something like this, too: learning to trust someone else. It's kinda like a two sided coin - one side is about putting trust in others, whereas the other is about gaining trust from others (and what you do with it). (Good) Relationships in general are always based off trust and honesty. So in order for them to be able to have healthy relationships with others and themselves, they have to learn about trust within themselves (I hope you understand my point, I got carried away, sorry). Loki started to trust Sylvie very easily (maybe because of love? Maybe because of something else? There are still a lot of unanswered questions) whereas Sylvie doesn't trust Loki very easily. Sylvie's character arc might (hopefully) carry on with this topic in the next season.

Was that kiss initiated due to emotional or practical reasons?

Kinda both, somehow. I do think that Sylvie used the kiss to her advantage but you can also clearly see how moved she is while hearing Loki's words. Facial expressions are insanely important when it comes to acting and both Tom and Sophia delivered perfectly. You might've already heard of the quote "The eyes tell more than words could ever say". Look at Sylvie's face when Loki tells her that he wants her to be okay. She is teary eyed, sighs even. She is indeed touched by his words and I strongly think that Sylvie also has non-platonic feelings for Loki, despite barely showing anything.

Here's a snippet out of an interview with Sophia:

(Source)

Both Sylvie and Loki are said to be people who can not trust others. They both have a vulnerable side though. Loki clearly showed that several times when with Sylvie (singing to her, the blanket scene, the comfort scene in the room of the timekeepers, the confession of wanting her to be okay) and is also shown incredibly vulnerable at the end of episode 6: there are several shots showing him, crying. Sure, we have already seen Loki cry a few times beforehand but this time, it's different. He cries because the one person he is the most vulnerable with doesn't trust him, and that does hurt like hell. By the way, if you look at the close-up shot of Sylvie after she yeeted Loki back into the TVA, you can see pain in her eyes, too. But that pain quickly shifts into rage and determination. Something that I have to admit was incredibly well executed by Sophia and the people who directed this shot. Sylvie does show her vulnerable side for a brief moment before putting up her walls again and reaching for her goal.

In conclusion: I think Sylvie initiated the kiss as an emotional response to Loki's words but also used it to distract him to be able to kick him back into the TVA at the same time. Keep in mind that it was because he was in her way of fullfilling her goal. She didn't want to kill or hurt him, so she sent him away instead. So, yes, I think the kiss had both emotional and practical intentions.

Did Sylvie betray Loki?

Even though it really felt like she betrayed him, she didn't. Let me tell you why:

Loki knew exactly what Sylvie was gonna do after reaching the person behind the TVA. Loki supported her all the way up until Kang suggested a deal to them, that's where Loki's and Sylvie's paths divided. Loki is a very smart character, he outsmarts a lot of Marvel characters and therefore I think it's very in character for him to consider one part of the deal and outweigh the pros and cons. Not because he wants the throne, no, but because he wants Sylvie to be okay. A universial war could lead to countless casualties - possibly those people close around him, so of course he would want to keep her safe through that decision. Making them both rulers over the TVA and the sacred timeline would probably guarantee a strong protection from several threats. Also, maybe he thought about the possibility of Sylvie regretting her decision (which she clearly did in the end) and wanted to protect her from even more emotional pain. But as we know, Sylvie's intention has always been laid out in front of her and it didn't change. Loki knew what choice she was going to make and merely tried to change her way - without being successfull.

I don't really know what to think about this scene though. To me, it doesn't meet the requirements of a 'betrayal' but at the same time it does feel like one. It's very difficult to explain :'D

Also, I've seen some people asking themselves how or if Loki will ever be able to forgive Sylvie for making her decision. Let me assure you one thing: he will forgive her. He has said it himself: "I know what you're feeling, I know what you're going through". He has been at Sylvie's point, too. Not only once, but several times already. He seems to have learned from his mistakes, Sylvie has yet to do so. ("I betrayed everyone I've ever loved" is a line to keep in mind now, too. Maybe it could even be projected onto Sylvie this time, because Loki is indeed very dear to her) If there's someone out there who can empathise with Sylvie the most, it is Loki.

Why would Sylvie straight up cause another Universial War?

As I already said. Sylvie's arc is a negative character arc. It does not end well and causes a lot of chaos. Think about Peter Quill in Infinity War and his rage moment on Titan. They could have had the infinity gauntlet way before but Peter got emotional (understandable) and therefore destroyed the chance of an early good ending. The same happened with Sylvie. Her decision was mostly emotional, but also practical on the other hand (giving people free will and freedom). She will face the consequences and I'm pretty sure she's gonna redeem herself and tries to help fix the big mess she has caused.

Sylvie's breakdown

Another scene that was absolutely brilliant was the scene after Sylvie has killed Kang. She backs off slowly and then slumps to the ground, breathing heavily (now that I think about it, I think she even started to cry). She has waited for this moment her whole life, but now that it's done, it kinda feels like she didn't exactly get what she needed. Hunter B-15 has already mentioned it before that Sylvie needs to hunt the person behind the TVA down, unlike Renslayer, who only wants to find out who it really is. Although Sylvie might have recognized that this wasn't everything she needed at this point. We already got to know that she didn't have a clue what to do after she's done with the TVA. She didn't have a goal beyond that. And now that she has reached the point where she is clueless, she might have recognized what she really needed beyond finishing her goal: friends, a life, literally anything that doesn't make her feel alone. And she literally just kicked that one thing away from her. Loki, the one person who has been closest to her and gave her the feeling of not being alone anymore, the feeling of having a friend (or someone more than a friend), has been pushed away by herself. I think that in this exact moment where she sinks to the ground she recognizes that not trusting Loki was a mistake this time and that revenge isn't enough to satisfy her forever.

But maybe that one thing that will satisfy her for a long time is something she's returning back to in season 2. I am so excited to see her again and find out more about Sylvie's character!

Thank you so much for reading this! If you want to add something to this list or correct something or anything, feel free to do so. I'd love to hear your thoughts on Sylvie's character in the finale and what you think might happen with her in season 2 :) see y'all, stay safe and have a nice day/night!

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

The Truths Found On Petram Viridios IV (5/5)

A/N: The last chapter to this fic. It's a long one and I gotta say that I've had a lot of fun with this one. After I post this chapter, I'll be sure to post the masterpost for this fic. And of course it'll be available on ao3 soon enough.

Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

__________

Chapter 5: Adore You

If you had to draw a map to find the way home once you were captivated by the gaze of those trustworthy, soft eyes of his, you would surely run out of ink; pools of blue, unwavering in their affection, drew you in, and you were willing to drown in them. There were facets about them that fascinated you as much as the scales of a butterfly did; they did not shimmer, but they gleamed and sparkled; it's what made you pause and search for a wisp of an acquaintance that very first time you saw him; finding a familiarity that threatened to sweep you away. Why you even found fire in those eyes; it was there in his moments of determination and passion. Oh, how their color shifted with his moods was a type of magic you wanted to spend the rest of your life being mesmerized by. To be sure he wasn't mistaken, he dare not blink; exhibiting the full spectrum of what Billie Eilish described as ocean eyes; he had to be sure. "Y-you do?"

"Yes," you giggled. "I do."

It wouldn't occur to you till later, that he had given you a choice. For instead of the typical proposal question, where it was more asserted, Rick asked in a manner in which there was equal footing; it spoke volumes of the respect he had for you. With shaky hands, he slipped a ring whose stone was as clear and blue as his eyes and cut perfectly like a rose, the band covered in gold vines and silver leaves which weaved together; he made it himself, and if you thought back far enough, you could remember when he was ambiguous about his plans to create a new type of stone. Honestly, you didn't realize it would be for this.

"Gosh," he sniffled. "I-I promised myself that I w-wouldn't cry."

But cry he would; fat, sloppy tears that blinded one's vision. He wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater, and fought to regain composure, but lost to the new wave which followed. You gently pried his hands away from his face, softening at his tear-stained cheeks. "It's okay, you can cry if you want to. I already know how tender you are."

Goodness, how long had he wanted to do this? For while it had almost been two years in which he had last attempted to, it might've been on his mind for much longer than that; eating away at his clarity; at the self-confidence that was torn down and repaired daily. You were grateful and proud that this man wanted you; that he finally gathered the courage to ask and do as he intended and wanted. You….you had wanted this to happen, but did he know that? Your ocean of inquisitions thought otherwise.

However, it was time to quiet and quell his despondent thoughts. Your fingers dug into the collar of his sweater; the tang of nervous sweat and something so him which wafted off him made you yearn to bring him closer. The puffiness about his eyes didn't discourage you from pressing a kiss at the corner of them and from his throat came a choked sob and you were surrounded by the sounds of his disbelief; this cacophony was breaking your heart. There had to be something you could do to ease him. "Ricardo," you started, "considering the suddenness of the occasion, should we, in like fashion…my dear honey man, would you like to get married today?"

This new tidbit caught him off guard; so much so that he stopped crying; good. Now, he was the one who was unsure of whether this was real life or a simulation. He ran his fingers through his hair, double-checked his equipment, sprayed himself with water, and completed equations that had taken this earth dimension's leading mathematicians decades to understand. What you thought was odd was when he caught a pigeon, scanned its anatomy, and found it was sound; you were going to have to ask him about it later. "Rick, did you hear me?"

"Y-yes," he focused, "but what d-do you mean today? How?"

You figured he would have easily come to a conclusion, but then again, what do spacemen have to do with the price of bread?

"I mean that we don't have to wait if you don't want to." You slid your palm over his tattoo, memorizing with your fingertips where his skin was slightly raised. "We can just go down to the justice of the peace if you'd like."

"And y-you would be my wife today?"

"Yes," you giggled. "I think that's how it works."

"But what about a-a…"

"A wedding ceremony?" you interrupted. "Well, we can have one later. We can plan it however you want, and invite all our friends. There can be so much celebration that we'll be knocked out for a week. Until then, I just want to make you happy, and I believe the sooner the better. Okay? So, if we're going to do this, just tell me now and I'll go get the proper paperwork."

It never ceased to amaze you how easily he flitted through emotions as though it were the weather, and with vigor, he lifted you up and vibrated with joy. "Boy, golly gee…this really - this really razzes my b-berries! This is…wow, I-I can't believe it."

You couldn't believe his word choice either. "Oh, you better believe it, because now you're stuck with me and I have you all to myself. However, you're going to have to put me down now because the office closes at five. There are a few things I need to do before then."

Letting you down, he happily waved goodbye despite the fact that it wouldn't take long to get what you needed for this impromptu occasion. Though, when you entered your house, you took a moment to think about your father. There were things you still didn't understand, like why he never told you about his friendship with Rick, or why you two never really discussed what he'd do if you got married; if he had been here, maybe you two would have talked about which flowers would look best as centerpieces; like whether roses or mums were cheerful enough or if this really was a good idea; if such an age gap was surmountable. Yet, in a way you felt as though you were honoring him; for your father and your mother had been unconventional and had gotten married without all the showy displays then road tripped a bit before settling here; you were simply following tradition.

Maybe, you didn't have to know about the why's and what-ifs, but focusing on what you could do seemed a whole lot easier to do. You kicked off your sneakers and dashed upstairs. You knew where your important documents were, but you thought that choosing a cute outfit would take a little longer. You wanted a certain vibe, one that would make things easier on him and then it came to you; why not revisit an old favorite; one that reminded you of his eyes; always, forever blue.

When you returned, you found him pacing around. He was deep in thought, and it took a moment for him to notice that you had returned. Almost comically, his eyes widened as he took in your appearance, and he started to cry again. "That's th-the dress. From that one time."

"It sure is."

With a twirl, you flaunted the blue chiffon dress, and felt like a dream; his visible adoration was not lost on you. It was a relief that this time you hadn't taken an hour to fuss or worry that you weren't dressed for the part, and you weren't wearing shoes which would kill your feet, but instead rocked some converse. "These shoes are made for walking and that's just what I'll do."

Unlike you, Zeta-7 wanted to fuss and choose something dressier, but you somehow managed to convince him that his blue button-up would be fine, and no tie was necessary; hidden ray guns were allowed just in case this happened to be the day that the Gromflomites attacked; not even Earth-based military scanners would be able to detect them. Though, you did allow him to fix up his hair, because one, you thought he was quite handsome with it combed back, and two, it's what he felt he needed to do to look the part. "How do I-I look?"

"Like the man I'm going to marry. Are you ready handsome?"

With a nod, he grabbed the folder with all the documents he needed. "Y-you bet."

______________

At the courthouse, the entire security staff grouped together and teased you about your keys; you should've known that you'd face trouble once you went through the metal detector; you had a lot of keychains; they were from the days when you and your father would go shopping together. Like Rick, he liked yard sales and thrift stores; sometimes he'd get grab bags and there would be vintage keychains, and he'd give them to you knowing you'd like them. You were told by one of the older guards that it wasn't natural for a grown woman to have a set of keys that weighed five pounds. Zeta-7 began to worry, but you told him you could handle it, and you figured the guards were bored and had nothing else to do. What you didn't tell them was that the main reason your keys were heavy was that you were carrying two sets; yours and your father's old keys; Rick knew, but he respected your wishes to leave it be.

Despite this, you two made your way to the right office; it only took fifteen minutes of going to lobby after lobby, free coffee, and endless rugs in all this indoor nothingness. And nobody knew better than Rick when it came to how much you hated paperwork, but nonetheless, you went through the painstaking process of signing this and that, wondering why they didn't make it easier for people by asking yes or no questions; this better not become someone's confetti. Rick breezed through it all, and you were slightly jealous that he knew what he was doing, but it was due to the fact that citadel paperwork was a lot more frustrating and difficult; he had to go through stacks of it weekly; poor man. While he sat quietly, you were in-between forms that had to be signed in triplicate and heard the gossip coming from the people who were working in the back of the office. What they didn't know was that their ignorance made you more determined; you'd fought your own expectations, that of others, as well as what seemed right to do long enough and no one, not even death itself was going to stop you from doing this; it was the best thing you could ever do for yourself and for him as well. You breathed a sigh of relief when you and Rick finally signed the marriage certificate; finally, it was done, and he watched rapturously as you set down the pen so that he could kiss you without refrain.

If you hadn't known better, you'd say the world shied away; dissolving into a plane of nothingness as he enveloped you with a strength that was deceptive for a man of his years; he had become a little more confident; it might've taken a few years, but all you knew was that it suited him. Being nurtured and cared for, as well as loved in the right sort of environment did wonders on Zeta-7; so much so, that he could hold the world in the palm of his hand and still manage not to damage it. It wasn't shocking that some found this outward display sweet, and you almost had hope for humankind, but then there was a laugh or two from the back; you made a mental note to consider moving off Earth. No one was going to ruin this moment for him, and relishing the moment, you chased his mouth for a second kiss; you know, to prove your point.

And if you hadn't already been proud of him, what made you even prouder was what he said on the way out. "Please stop laughing at m-my wife. Th-that's very rude."

His wife? Yes, you were his wife now. It's strange how you could wake up and wonder what you should have for breakfast and be here where you were now; in a whole new chapter of your life; wondering what will come next. Confusing yes, but not something to be afraid of; you welcomed this happy transition.

Back at the car, you were still recovering from his earlier outburst; the like which was almost out of character. "Did you see the look on her face? I thought it was going to fall off with how far her jaw dropped. Wasn't it a sight?"

Though, he was busy staring at the ring on his own hand which you had picked out when you two made a stop at a consignment shop earlier. It wasn't that complex like yours, but he loved it. "All I could see was - was you."

"You flirt."

You gave his shoulder a playful shove, and in turn, he laughed a full-on belly laugh; this happy noise was music to your ears. "Gosh, I-I mean it. Y-you, look so pretty today." A bit shyly, he commented. "Blue looks very good on you."

"Thank you. So, how should we celebrate? A trip to the moon perhaps? Going across the universe? Maybe a kaiju fight with Matango? Or watching Spiderman 2? Honestly, I'm game for anything."

You had decent shoes on and didn't care what he wanted to do because you were happy if he was happy. And as though it were just another afternoon, he glowed with happiness when he asked. "Mrs. Sanchez, do you - do you want to go get some ice cream?"

Some things will never change and you didn't mind that. "I'd love to. As the author, L.M. Montgomery once said, 'I guess ice cream is one of those things that are beyond imagination.' And, you know, it's so true. I intend to go all out with the toppings today. It's certainly that kind of occasion."

______

He couldn't seem to want to let go of your hand; as though the world would fall away if he didn't and that this would turn out to be a cruel dream. Still, you humored and spoiled him. As intended, you got all the toppings; Rick thought it was a kids dream come true with the amount of candy you had in your waffle bowl. And since you had enough to share, you took the liberty to feed him. He chatted on; offering charming stories from his band days; unlike other Ricks who were in a rock band called Flesh Curtains, his band had been a jazz and bossa nova trio; the band name had been comprised of a numerical equation; if you had named them you would've called them the Zeta Bytes.

Now, Rick wasn't a messy eater, but during one of his more excitable stories, he spilled a bit on the corner of his mouth. Ready with a napkin, you wiped it away, and couldn't help but laugh at how boyish it was. Giving your hand a squeeze, he absentmindedly brushed his thumb on the back of your hand; adoration coloring his voice. “You're t-t-too good to me.”

"There's no such thing. If anything, I gotta spoil you rotten."

You found no hindrance in his mood and this time he didn't think twice about kissing you then and there as he liked while you were still holding the napkin; fear and shame of public displays of affection being one less thing to worry about now. Who cared if your ice cream was melting, because your heart was melting; his mouth tasted of chocolate and promises. A soft chuckle escaped him as he pulled away; his promise whispered against your lips. "I-I promise I'll be good t-t-to you."

Being loved suited him; it really, really did wonders on his countenance and it made you wonder what else he could now do.

_________

By now you were a little tired, but Ricks contagious energy invigorated your spirits; you bet he could've come up with an invention and completed it today if he stayed this hyped up. Instead, he used that energy to make fresh rolls to go with the leftover acorn squash soup; you hadn't been that hungry, but you enjoyed it nonetheless. And when dinner had been eaten, you helped him with the dishes; nothing you hadn't done before, but his spirit was lighter and more at ease; he even bumped your hip with his as a gesture of playfulness. After cleaning up the kitchen, he decided that he'd like to take a shower and refresh himself and in the meantime, you stepped out into the backyard to enjoy the beauty of the night. In this part of town, despite the light pollution, you could see a fair amount of stars.

You had never studied astronomy, but Rick had shown you in diagrams and in textbooks of their names and explained how they were formed; to him, their complexity was like poetry, and it made them beautiful. You couldn't recite it by memory, but you had a feeling that beyond your current comprehension perhaps there was life amongst those heavenly bodies, despite the heat or deadly gases; if you had learned anything about space, it was that worlds were more along the lines of art and beauty than fields of science which were easily explained. Yet, in the air, where there was a sweet perfume, thick, but intoxicating, only where you were currently mattered; you saw that in the leftmost part of the yard there was jasmine which was currently in bloom; its blanket of flowers reminding you of snow. Hadn't you read of this somewhere before? Maybe.

In the grass near your feet, grasshoppers leaped away, and crickets chirped their songs. And you relished the strong breezes and the song of the night which may consume a melancholic heart if it were searching for tragedies instead of sweet dreams. And it had only been a few hours ago when you had thought that all of which transpired might've been a dream. Though, whatever truths that had come to light in the hours after the simulation, you were glad of them.

In the dark, sights and sounds were heightened and mesmerizing, albeit curious in its own right; if it hadn't been for the sound barrier Rick had on his property, you would've heard the obnoxious sound of the next-door neighbor's TV as they watched infomercials. Still, it was a beautiful night. Sitting on the bench which overlooked the whole yard, you thought of what wonderful things you'd like to share with Rick, and then he found you. For his part, he had changed into something more relaxed; into a light blue button-down that was similar to the one he was wearing earlier, but this one was softer, and it was paired with navy pants; it reminded you of blue pants Rick with his attire, but it was cute and suited him. With him, he had brought over a tray of goodies and you two ate cookies and cakes and drank earl grey under the moonlit night.

The pause in conversation gave allowances for observations. For example, you took a good long look at him as he sipped his tea; admiring how casual he appeared tonight. Without his labcoat or sweater, his identity seemed separate from that of his dimension jumping, scientist self; making way for the person deep inside; the friendly neighbor who won your heart without even trying. He noticed eventually that you had been staring at him, and he broke the silence with his inquiry. "What are y-you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about you cutie. You um….you look really good in those blue pants of yours. Thinking of taking up modeling anytime soon?"

"N-no," he answered with an air of obliviousness that you found endearing. "not unless my next work assignment requires it. Gee, why do you ask?"

"Hmm, it's because you wear your clothes well. I always thought you did, but I don't believe I ever mentioned it."

He ruminated on what you said for a few minutes, before setting down his cup. "Did you - did you always find me attractive?"

"No," you confessed. "but you're the only person I've ever really been attracted to. I…..I always liked the fact that our relationship was built on something more substantial. You see, the more I got to know you, the more irresistible I found you. Though," you winked. "those teeth of yours were always too cute to resist."

This truth of yours made him comfortable enough to relinquish one of his own. "C-can I tell you a secret?"

"It's not much of a secret if you tell me dear, but you can tell me anyway."

Wringing his hands together, he confessed solemnly. "That day y-you tripped on the sidewalk nearby my house, I-I almost decided not to cross the road."

Not cross the road? Hmm, it had been an option. In your mind's eye, you could imagine it; the tall, lanky figure of a man debating against his better judgment on what he ought to do; so close but so far; knowing that he was altering the course of his future and putting yours at risk. Poor man, having to wallow over a moral dilemma like that. "Why is that?"

"Gosh, y-you….I didn't want to take advantage of the situation."

It could've been taken that way, but you never thought so. "So what changed your mind?"

"I thought you were going to cry, and I-I didn't… I didn't want you to suffer anymore. I thought t-to myself, that if I got t-t-to know you, then you wouldn't have to be lonely anymore."

When he said this, you nearly couldn't look at him; not because he knew more than he let on, but because who knows what paths you two would've taken if he hadn't shown up that day. Tears bit at the back of your eyes, and your nails bit into your palms. "Dear, love isn't always a cure for heartache," He tensed up at this, but you knew you had to tell him. You weren't upset because you had guessed as much, but being assured of it cemented the fact. "but I'm sure that without you, without your friendship, I might not be here right now. I think I was depressed, and from time to time I still feel that way. I…I have thought of ways to make my troubles end, ways you might not have been proud of, but you've shown me a better way to live. I think…no, I know that by expanding my horizons, I understand now that there's so much to look forward to, and not to take life for granted. Why," you paused, fighting the tears which threatened to fall. "you reminded me that I gotta make the most of this crazy, unpredictable life, and I'm happy that I'll get to do that with you."

He understood and accepted this answer and gave you a look of adoration and pride; the like that you hoped you'd always remember. And when you two were done with tea, you both took a walk about the garden. The sweet perfume of jasmine intermingled with that of the scent of his soap, and combined with the candor of his speech made this place feel like a well of comfort. He followed behind you as you two spoke, and you were conscious of the fact that with his freshly washed hair brushed back, it made him more appealing. His hands were in want of yours as he matched your pace, and you felt slightly mischievous as you'd skip or teased him to catch you; it wasn't long until he gathered you in his arms and laughed, and you asked without much seriousness for him to let you go, but while he loosened his grip, he didn't let go entirely. "Gosh, y-you make me feel so young. It - it feels so good to have you in my arms."

"Oh, really?" you giggled. "That's great to hear."

Pressing a kiss to your temple, he sighed. "It's unfortunate that I'm so old."

"That's okay. I like you as you are. It goes well with your personality."

"Thank you mi corazón. It feels good to hear that. However, can I-I ask you something?"

"Mhm."

"¿Si hubiera s-sido más joven, habría marcado la diferencia?"

"If you had been younger? I don't know. Possibly," you admitted. "I might've been less reluctant about my feelings at the beginning, but I truly don't know. I'd like to think that I'd still would've fallen for you anyway. You're a wonderful man Ricardo, you don't have to doubt that, anyone can see that. It doesn't matter how old you are, but it's who you are."

"Y-you're right." With reluctance, he allowed his arms to drop to his sides, and he wondered. "It um - it's getting late. Should I-I walk you home?"

Was he forgetting that he didn't have to? Maybe not. Perhaps he needed a sign; one that said that any suggestion of further intimacy was alright. "I thought I was home." you answered, "Don't you want me to stay?"

Scratching the back of his neck, he nodded. "Yes, I-I-I-I do."

"Then it's settled. We'll have a big sleepover," you brightened. "and it'll never have to end. I'll borrow a pair of your pj's and hog all the blankets because I'll get cold."

"And in - in the morning," he added warmly, "w-we can have pancakes."

"Yeah, and watch enough interdimensional cable to make us go blind."

"But I-I might have to work tomorrow."

"Oh. Well, then I guess I'll just have to eat all your snacks until you come back. We might have to take a trip to Costco at some point because they sell these mushroom crisps that are to die for."

Standing under the persimmon tree, he stepped forward and gave your shoulder a squeeze. "Y-you can have whatever you want," With a strong arm slipping around your waist, you felt almost shy at the way he smiled protectingly down at you. His warm breath ghosted about your ear, and his voice was above a whisper as he confessed. “because I-I-I finally got you princess and I'm not - I'm not going t-to let you go.”

At the sound of this pet name, you felt a slight warmth rush to your cheeks, but you didn't laugh it off as you had once but agreed with warmth. “You may do as you please, Mr. Sanchez.”

And so he did. Without hesitation, he lifted your chin and brushed your lips with his thumb. His eyes sparkling with humor, promise, and a confidence that was somehow so very appropriate on his face. "I love you. I-I-I always have. From the time I first held your hand, I knew it had to be you. I would've been a fool if I - if I hadn't tried. Even now, it's hard to believe, but it's starting to sink in."

"Me too. It's unbelievable, but it's true and we have the paperwork to prove it."

Leaning down, he pressed a sweet kiss onto your lips. It was so gentle, it was as though you might break if he tried otherwise. Kissing you again, he sighed against your lips. "It's beautiful out t-tonight."

"It is."

Pressing a hand to his cheek, you softened. "But I think I'm ready to call it a night. Why don't we go in?"

Weaving his fingers with yours, he softened. "Okay."

You used to think to yourself and wonder if his house would ever be ready to receive you, but what you now realized was that it had always been ready, and only you had been waiting for it all to catch up; for him to know what he wanted and to be courageous and say; for you to know what you needed, and to accept that being yourself didn't make you any less attractive or unique and that you weren't alone; you had never been alone, for he had always been waiting. His home, why it was always home, but it was always home because he was what grounded you and you were what grounded him. And you felt so married to him then, and everything felt as it should. Nothing had really changed, except for a title, and a promise; for you two were friends as you had always been; him the happy go lucky old man, and you the silly neighbor who met him by accident, but you couldn't deny that you loved him with your entire being and so did he. As promised, he intended to do everything in his power to protect you, even as you two were getting ready for bed. His body seemed to curl around you as to shield you from whatever monsters could be hiding in the dark.

So, when it happened that you rested your head upon his chest and felt the temptation of sleep washing over you, you pressed a light kiss to his cheek and confessed softly. "I can't wait to wake up next to you."

Fin

[darksaphire2002]

How Leo Loves HC (part 2)

I think I'm gonna stretch this into a four part HC series since Leonardo is a very complicated character overall and my personal headcanons seem to differ quite a bit from many of the more popular HC posts I've seen on this site.

Also, it will get a little angsty for a bit there. Sorry about that lol

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

(The second set of headcanons focuses on how Leonardo deals with being in love and is set before he confesses to you. Enjoy! 💙)

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

•Leo loves to touch you. Your hair, your hips, your shoulders, he can't help it.

•He doesn't like to openly display this fact to others though. He doesn't want to give anyone any ideas that it's okay for just anyone to lay their hands on you.

•This leads to several instances of "drive-by touching" when he thinks no one is watching.

•Splinter ALWAYS see it, but says nothing. He finds it highly amusing that his eldest and most reserved son is so touch starved for his lady love. Nothing get past this observative rat.

•You can't reach something on the top shelf? Leo's right there, gently resting his hand on your shoulder as he leans over to retrieve the item you're reaching for. Again, he has to touch you.

•He'll take an extra moment before pulling away to softly breathe in your scent. This is done very quickly as to not tip off anyone in the vicinity that he has feelings for you.

•Coming to grips with his feelings for you was a huge struggle for Leo.

•He has always been sure of himself and his decisions. He is precise, and every move he makes is weighed, measured, and well thought out. He has no qualms about who he is as a turtle or as a ninja.

•This self-confidence goes COMPLETELY out the window when he tries to see himself through your eyes.

•In this instance, he becomes just as self-conscious as Raphael is. If not more.

•To him, you are wonderful. You have obvious flaws, but in his eyes, there is no one more perfect than you.

•With this in mind, he finds himself suddenly comparing himself to human men.

•Even if he confesses, and you accept his feelings, there will always be parts of your life he will be barred from ever being a part of.

•And what if you reject his feelings? What then? Would everything change? Would it become awkward between the two of you?

•This thought alone is enough to discourage a confession for a very long time.

•As well as leading to excruciatingly long hours in front of the mirror. Not out of vanity, but out of a sense of trying to invision you standing beside him.

•Meditation offers no relief from this line of thought. Only leads to more thinking.

•He dreams about confessing to you. These often turns into nightmares of rejection and you disappearing from his life.

•He will seek counsel from the only two people he feels safe talking about this with: Splinter and April. Both of whom, encourage him greatly.

•He secretly watches you from the shadows when you go on dates. He reasons with himself that it's to keep you safe, and that he'll only interfere if things go south; but he can't help but fantasize what it would be like if he was the one you were laughing with.

•This causes him more anguish than he realizes or would even be willing to admit to himself.

•His heart sinks for you when your relationships go south. The joy of you being untethered to another man completely outweighed by the obvious pain in your eyes.

•This feeling is often quickly overshadowed by a silent rage toward any man who would dare break your heart...but his true anger is reserved mostly for himself.

•He would never hurt you this way, but he hasn't the confidence to confess to you in the first place.

•The lingering feeling of hatred for himself weighs heavily in the back of his mind. He feels himself a coward.

•Dates aren't the only place he secretly watches you.

•He will quietly watch you from your balcony or window, silently sharing in your loneliness.

•Never a peeping tom. Even as a quiet stalker, he turns away to give you privacy when it calls for it out of respect.

•He has a habit of slipping in after you fall asleep.

•The sound of your soft breathing is the only thing that gives his heart any kind of peace it seems.

•Its a heavenly experience...even if it is achieved through less than honorable means.

•He hates sneaking around like this. Only cowards and perverts spy on women.

•But he HAS to be close to you. He mourns your absence like the desert mourns the rain.

•Despite his longing to touch you, this is the only time he never will.

•However, he will cover your sleeping form with a blanket if he finds you have dozed off on the couch.

•He leaves the rest of the house/apartment untouched, as if he were never there. As deplorable as he finds himself for spying, he can't bear the thought of not being able to be close to you like this...or what you would think of him if you found out.

•The realization of his deepening feelings for you vexes him to his very core. How could one woman cause such a yearning in him?

•That's a dumb question. He knows why.

•You are the only person who doesn't need him to be perfect. You're not a ninja. You're not a cop. You're not a fiery reporter who's always getting caught up in trouble. You're not his teacher. He doesn't need to lead you.

•You are a completely normal human girl.

•You manage to turn his whole view of reality on its head.

•And he is completely, and hopelessly in love with you.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

CHRIST THAT WAS LONG!!! lol

Okay, so that was part 2 of my Leo HC series. Each part will consist of a different stage of Leonardo's romancities.

I'll link the other HC parts here once I write them. Hope you enjoyed it so far!

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4

[dumdumdrawstumtums]

ABB3 and I were talking about this earlier, you see I've recently got into the fate fandom and I was wondering if you had any belly canons for any of the guys, specifically Gilgamesh and Fate stay night's Lancer? Or any other guys you like from the series~ (Ive only seen fate zero and fate stay night so far btw.) ^_^

Oh hey good on ya! I'm still a woeful casual when it comes to the series, but it's provided some real nice guys to fawn over~ But alright lemme see what I can do...

G/ilgamesh

Well the fun thing about G/ilgamesh is that his monumentally enormous ego is matched only by his looks... and hopefully his appetite. Cuz I mean, damn, boy knows how to dress to impress.

The thing is though that his taste is incredibly high class, so he'll only be dining on 5-star dishes. He's been around modern society enough to know how to get what he likes, after all. The thing is though that he would be so caught up in holding this fact over others heads that he would neglect to take note of just how much he may be eating. Like, I don't see him as the sort to actively flaunt stuffing himself taut. He may even be secretly embarrassed by it, but damn if he won't play it off as something along the lines of course he's privileged to such gorging. Anything like greasy fast food he wouldn't allow to slip past his lips UNLESS his ability to even do so was being questioned. His weakness is having his ego struck in any way, after all. Then he would certainly have to silence the mongrels' barking and prove himself... probably leading to a very full, very upset stomach having so much garbage filling his belly. At that point he might require some belly rubs - something he would order someone he deems capable of providing to do. Perhaps threatening that if they aren't up to task, they may find themself added to the rest of the trash.

Whiiich leads into the headcanons for vore HAHAH// The King of Heroes lords over all, and sometimes he needs to assert his superiority in less conventional, but no less absolute ways. I don't think he would be too actively yearning to eat anyone, since his body is perfection that he doesn't want anyone ruining. It might be once his (admittedly thin) patience is tested in a certain manner (maybe someone questioned his appetite a little too hard?) that he will give them the privilege of being shown just what he can do. Most anyone he eats he would be dismissive of after; they're food now, they should settle down, and don't they dare give him indigestion, or he can make this even harder on them. And again, this is probably something he prefers to keep private. Although if any company shows up, I feel like Gil wouldn't be doing much to hide his large, squirming belly - like, full on sitting back, just idly stroking over the mega bloat, half-attempting to stifle burps or hiccups, mostly just quietly annoyed. Regardless of how awkward that might make the other feel. Nonfatal situations I think require for G/ilgamesh to at least feel a little respect for who he's gulped down? Which is no easy feat of course, so... he would definitely be the "one way trip" sort of pred the vast majority of the time. But even if that requirement is met, it wouldn't necessarily deter him from carrying on his day as he otherwise would, which includes eating and drinking what he pleases, and giving his belly a firm smack if his stomach's occupant protests. Basically, his wants and needs always take priority.

O/zymandias

Okay and because it would be a good follow-up, another who my friends like would be O/zymandias. Again, another drop dead gorgeous king~

Unfortunately though, since they share such similar attitudes, a lot of headcanons for Gil apply to Ozy OTL  That includes the fine taste, being mostly spurred into eating past his comfort levels by having his pride put on the line, and the authoritative aura he carries even when he's aching with fullness. As a matter of fact it's often fun to imagine them being quite the pair when it comes to eating; they're likely to goad each other into eating more and more with neither willing to face the shame of having the weaker stomach. Thank goodness they get along so well... for them, anyway. Maybe not so much for the restaurant they visit, or the unfortunate people who may be included in their kingly feasting.

I think a good distinction to make Ozy stand out more is that he's not quite so much a jerk as Gil would be regarded as? He's got a monumental ego sure, but seems to be less likely to utterly disregard the personhood of others in the process. So it may take a little more to make him deem someone to be his next meal... maybe. Possibly. His body is a temple, he can't very well be making this a habit, after all. Consequently I also think he would be a bit more likely to indulge in nonfatal scenarios, too. And with the mighty pharaoh he would make a little more effort in being a proper host. Oh, and since there was a funny bit a dialogue in the game where he staunchly denied being decapitated in the most huffy, tsundere way, I think that would apply to him having a ridiculously filled gut as well. "There's nothing wrong with my stomach... *grrrgghh...*"

A/sterios

Another one that friends have a big liking to so of course I'll jump on that too! What we got here is a colossal 9'9" tall berserker bull man, THE Minotaur of legend himself. The fun thing about him is that, as the myth tells, he's canonically eaten people - and plenty of them, too. He's got a great deal of dialogue alluding to how easily he could put even you on the menu as well. So, while he might have some difficulty speaking... his stomach can do the talking for him. Like, he already struggles to control his beastly urges, so who could blame him if he slipped up, caught someone in his inescapable clutches, and ate them? Or even two? He's almost twice as large as normal humans; it would be far less difficult for him to gorge on more than one. Consuming others would be treated as something that just comes natural to A/sterios, like a hunger that was finally quenched.

On the stuffing end (sorry for the reverse order, he's just far more likely to enjoy meat on the very rare side) the bull would require a lot to satisfy him. He's used to eating whole, poor people who were dumped into his labyrinth, after all. And again, this absolute unit is BIG. Not to mention being treated to food beyond "human" would probably be a novel experience for him. He's been in the labyrinth all his life, he has the whole world to see and experience! Poor A/sterios would probably be overwhelmed and adorably yearning to try everything. Very open to being fed, and having his belly rubbed, too! Just, again, both of these things are gonna take a while, given his size.

A/chilles

Husband material that captured my heart big time when I finally got around to watching A/pocryphaaa// He's got a similar vibe to C/u C/hulainn with his lax attitude and enjoyment in fighting. The differences between them though help to separate my headcanons just a bit. Like, whereas Cu's more laid-back the majority of the time, A/chilles has more of an intensity to him. He's more excited by a challenge for one, and that can play easily into some fun headcanons. Like, any meal he sits down for will be filling him up, but afterwards if he sees there's an eating contest going down, he'd still be going "Yeah I bet I could win, piece of cake *urp* Maybe poor choice of words..." And then claim that filling his stomach up beforehand was just to give everyone else a fighting chance. And he will win, it'll just... be something of a pyrrhic victory. One that he'll still try to take pride in sure, but not without a lot of groaning and claiming that he must weigh twice as heavy now. And as wont as the Greek hero would be to lie back and let everything digest, he's just as quickly to pull himself back up and heft around the gurgling gorge, since he hates to be bored or to seem pathetic. After all, while his ego might not be anywhere near the mountainous scale Gil's is, he still has a hefty arrogance to him that can be used to push him (and his belly) further. Though unlike the king and pharaoh, I think A/chilles would genuinely be unabashed in his bloated state, let alone the thunderous belches that might come about - just sighing with relief after and giving his stomach a pat. Even when receiving some welcomed belly rubs, don’t be offended if you get caught in the blast radius HAHAH

Regarding vore, I think A/chilles would very much have the mindset of "eating someone means claiming total victory." And it would probably be something he revels in just as much as any victory, roughly massaging his stomach, trying to clench his stretched thin abs, etc. What makes A/chilles unique is that, as said, he likes a challenge. That means that while he's groaning for his prey to settle down, he's also outright encouraging them to fight against his stomach, which might not phase him quite as much as it would others since, y'know, invincible body and all. If they're especially feisty, to the point it's making the brash hero gag, heave, have to swallow down lumps rising back up his throat, well then that struggle just makes this all the better. Heck, if they're not up to that point he may even waddle himself over to eat more, just to get himself to that point of barely keeping it together. Even in nonfatal situations, the Rider would undoubtedly enjoy making his carry-on squirm - probably utilizing effective teasing to get them riled up, like hiccuping and asking just how much they weigh, or downing a full gallon of drink to drench them, burping, and saying lugging them in his stomach is thirsty work. Much more inclined to some rough play than the blue Lancer would be, methinks. That includes all the belly play of jostling, prodding, 'accidentally' lying on his stomach a bit, all that goodness~

(I left C/u C/hulainn out because I remembered I already did a big post about him here, among other posts, so enjoy that if you’d like!)