#i've been injecting .25 of .1

[bearfeathers]

goal: get my tits lopped off in time for my brother's wedding so i can wear a suit comfortably

subgoal: get my tits lopped off before halloween next year so i can dress as columbo

[magellanicclouds]

Halo - An Essay: regarding waste management systems and devices for MJOLNIR armoured Spartans It has been a hectic sort of few weeks. Between work and getting sick again (for the fourth time already this year thanks to my crewmates who can't remember it's their duty to stay home when they're ill) I've been on the outs. I haven't had the energy for much, but I'm usually a pretty active person, so this has kind of made me loopy? Which feels like as good a time as any to talk at length about the concept of catheterizing Spartans for waste management in MJOLNIR.

Let me explain.

This Silly Post crossed my dash recently and I fully understand it is meant as lighthearted fun - we have fun here. But it also dragged out some strong thoughts I've had haunting in the back of my mind about this for years because I'm super normal about Halo, and have time on my hands and the right amount of sleep deprivation and medication on board. So I wrote 3500 words about it. And about Karen Traviss, who is pretty knotted up in this conversation, since she's the one who decided to start it back in 2011.

To preface, I'm not an expert, but I have worked in emergency medicine for 25 years, and been a fan of Halo for almost as long. I've had more of a lukewarm relationship with it the last decade or so if I'm being honest, but it will always have a home in my heart; I just think letting it under my skin like that in the first place may have made me feral and prone to biting. Thankfully, I can always happily rotate Fred in my mind until the heat-death of the universe, so that's nice. Anyway, full disclosure: the essay below contains discussion about medical devices, physical trauma, and I am sharing quite a lot of personal negativity about the Kilo-5 trilogy and Karen Traviss. That said, if you'd like to sit in on the length of what I'm about to yell into the sky about all this, you can find it under the cut. I love you.

Welcome to my dissertation.

Section 1 - The Relevant Background:

Equipping Spartans with urinary catheters weeded itself into the Halo universe in the 2011 book Halo: Glasslands, during a conversation between Spartan II Naomi-010 and ODST Mal Geffen. Glasslands was the first in Karen Traviss's Kilo-5 trilogy, and she is both the originator of this, and the only official Halo author or source to have used catheters specifically since. Some context: I don't personally like these books, or their author, or even her reasoning for why she chose to add this. My personal preference doesn't make something 'bad', and I'm not out to hurt any feelings. Kilo-5 isn't a total wash for me, there are some characters and ideas that I'd of otherwise loved to have seen explored through the lens of a different author, but these books felt smothered under Traviss's habit of always injecting her very loud personal voice into the narrative fabric. I think this is something that's fine to do in an original series, but doesn't really belong in an established third party IP. She bangs on about so much of her own narrow worldview and self-assured prejudices across the trilogy that still discussing them today creates division in the fandom, and sadly did a lot of lasting damage to a couple characters. But for the topic here, the dialogue that started all this cath chat came from Naomi-010, having idle conversation with Mal who asks her about bathroom breaks. “I’m catheterized. Another reason why that machine has to be so precisely calibrated. This suit plugs into me in a lot of places.” 'The Machine' she's referring to is a Brokkr assembly, which was introduced to the lore as a large mechanical armature used to get Spartans in and out of MJOLNIR. You can see them in action in cinematics from Halo 4 (+Spartan Ops) and 5.

One single mention, and it was big news. Traviss was naturally interviewed about it because of course she was - people can't help themselves but forget an entire novel and tunnel vision on 'but how pee pee?', and her answer has always irritated me. It's not in what she says, so much as what 'what she says' means in her voice. Traviss didn't answer it directly, but instead talked about how she likes to get into character's heads by addressing the mundane necessity of things that often go overlooked to expand a sense of familiarity with the character and their world. Sounds super reasonable, I know, but don't give her too much credit - that's not a quote. It's just me paraphrasing and honestly I was pretty generous in my wording. Probably because I agree! What bugs me about it, is if you've ever read literally any interview with her, or her personal musings about her writing process, you know there's a bit of an 'honesty' issue there. She's somebody who feels perfectly comfortable ignoring established character voices, traits, or histories to satisfy whatever roles she's reinvented for them, and too many others wind up as mouthpieces. How much are you really challenging yourself in finding characters' voices when most of them are just yours? And the part about familiarity with their world? I giggled a little. She doesn't care about their world, or their aesthetics, or their technology, or their medicine. Because she didn't care about Halo while writing these, and she's not vague about admitting that. It's a matter of pride for her to purposefully refuse to research those things, in the same way she disregarded Star Wars and Gears of War - she doesn't consider the effort to be a valuable part of her process. So instead she'll skim the foundation, gather some recognizable names, pick her targets, and trusts that her personal experiences combined with an outsider perspective will generate better content to seamlessly overwrite what existed. Cool, Karen. Annoying, but why bring all that up? We're here to talk about catheters, right? Well, the fandom for the most part begin and end their assessment of the dialogue at urinary catheters, but the whole quote implies so much more than that - "This suit plugs into me in a lot of places." We're not just dealing with a cath, but apparently with multiple additional external-to-invasive connections. Reader, this dialogue is a plinth to Traviss's bizarre refusal to research not only the franchises she's contracted to write in, but also just into the basic function and hazards of existing concepts that she wants to introduce, and all because she's convinced herself she's done learning about the world. Choosing to ignore the creative freedom of limitless potential in a future of technology that would be basically magic to us today, and instead degrade 529 years of advancement is certainly a take, but it's even more ridiculous to do it with a subject (The Spartan Programme) that is considered to be the peak of advancement in that future's setting. That's clownery, just like her alleged commitment to adjusting her perspective to suit a universe's world.

I want to close out this section with a question: Why is it that writers in the Halo space - both fan and official - cling so tightly to current-day modern concepts as if they'd still be perfectly relevant in 500+ years? Music, for example, apparently suffered a multi-century stagnation in lots of published and fanmade Halo media. Though my partner made a strong counterpoint about this to be fair: we still listen to music composed by Mozart. So there's an argument to be made there. Medicine though. There is way less latitude to embrace the classics there. It's been shown across several games, novels, and films to be sufficiently advanced well beyond anything we're currently capable of or even understand, so why undermine that and choose to drag it centuries backward? For clarity, I am not talking about what might be standard in the public or private sectors, nor the enduring things that'd be used by the public and military alike, like sterile dressings, syringes, supplemental oxygen equipment. Those are the Basics and they will be relevant to us indefinitely. But I'm talking about the UNSC. I'm talking about ONI R&D. I'm talking about Section Three. Retrograding tech and failing to address a necessity that applies to every living person in the Super Soldier Wizardry department makes my mouth flatten into a tight little line.

Section Two - Caths, and why this whole thing got written:

Indwelling urinary catheters, both urethral and suprapubic. There's a laundry list of problems here, but I've distilled it down to the three biggest when suggesting they'd have any safe practical application in Spartans: Care. Activity. Damage. There is unreasonable expectations of care and maintenance for caths with regards to people who can be on operations isolated for months at a time with no support of any kind and are often limited to carrying only what can be kept on their person. The level of extreme physical activity Spartans engage in on any perfectly normal day whether deployed or not is unfit for the stability and safety of a cath. And damage; obvious enough, but with this one I'll be taking a huge emphasis on concussive forces - explosions. Something Spartans are subjected to a lot. I'll be using the height of modern-day catheter quality as a baseline for this, since that's what Traviss felt was sufficient. Regarding Urethral vs Suprapubic, Traviss doesn't specify by name, but Naomi's comment in full reads to me that she's only catheterized temporarily while armoured, hence the assembly needing to be so finely calibrated. Foley caths are temporary urethral caths that would only supplement the urinary process while a person was armoured. Suprapubic caths however are surgically placed devices. They do need routine tube replacement to keep them clean, but unlike the Foley that just serves as an aide measure for an otherwise fully functioning bladder, suprapubic caths are usually placed in people with congenital bladder disfunction, or who've suffered injury or disease that left the bladder in poor health or failure. This type of access will always require a tube in place and this would be the exclusive method of urination - in or out of armour. My Big Three Concerns fit both types similarly, though there is some additional risks associated with urethral caths that I'll cover.

Care: Caring for an invasive cath is a not insignificant effort. They're prone to blockage, kinking, and bacterial growth. They're so frequently responsible for UTIs and kidney stones that these complications are just considered the Standard Fair for having a cath. Their need to be frequently replaced because of their penchant for bacterial growth is the kicker here - whole floral colonies sprout up in caths and can eek their way out into the body through compromised tissue and wreck havoc. They have no self-cleaning mechanism, and steadily deteriorate. Changing and replacing an indwelling cath is a procedure that requires additional supplies that'd have to be carried, and needs to be done in a practiced and clean setting; preferably medical. Granted, there are people who manage the removal and insertion of their own caths at home, but they still need to ensure a clean and safe environment while they do this. A Spartan could never be guaranteed that, nor would it even be wise to consider the vulnerability of removing so much armour to handle it. Modern day caths are recommended to be replaced every 30 days or so, with some models able to be in place for a few months at a time, but that's with constant daily care and cleaning; something that'd be unreasonable for a Spartan to maintain while entrenched who knows where for who knows how long, and without access to replacement medical supplies. Those endurance times between replacements are geared for the average public person who leads an average public life and care for their cath as directed and don't get into fist fights with Sangheili. Needless to say, the endurance time for the same device in a Spartan who leads a wildly different lifestyle probably cuts those times down to a third.

Activity: Modern day caths are designed to offer people the most utility and versatility possible. Both models are available for people who are bed-bound or have extremely limited mobility, as well as for those who are mobile, independent, and live out average lives. With regards to the latter, suprapubics are somewhat more common, if for no other reason than to reduce the Foley's higher risks of induction injury, but modern urethral caths also allow for regular movement and activity with a more reduced chance of becoming dislodged or damaged than they would have had a couple decades ago. But when I say regular activity, I mean going on a walk. Shopping for groceries. Doing basic house chores. Even light exercise and sexual activity can be managed with physician advisement and the appropriate precautions taken. Anytime a Spartan was fielded they'd have to be all the more overly-cautious about Movements Outside of Their Control during confrontations, maneuvers, ambush, environmental or vehicular incidents. Even when things go well there'd be too much risk involved. That said, traumatic decatheterizations happen more frequently than anyone would like, and I'm talking about regular old Joe Everybody. I respond to no less than a dozen of these incidents a year. Both types of catheter are held in place by a bulb balloon that's inflated from a port with around 10-30ccs of saline after the tube enters the bladder (30ccs would be more appropriate for better security of the line). Before removing a cath, the saline is removed to deflate the balloon and the tube is guided out - with a Foley cath, that means being guided out of the urethra. When a Foley cath is traumatically removed, the saline filled balloon - which is like five times wider in diameter than the average 6mm urethra - does a pretty devastating amount of damage on it's way out, penis or vagina; though a penile urethra has significantly more length to damage, and the penile meatus very typically is torn. These incidents run high risk of bladder hematoma as well, which requires urgent surgical intervention. The very worst traumatic decatheterizations I've responded to were all penile and had trauma to external tissue. Ever microwaved a hotdog a little too long?

Damage: How often are Spartans subjected to explosive and other concussive forces? Silly question - answer: a lot and often and unavoidable. And we know they still feel the powerful feedback. Despite shields and dampeners and a self-moderating gel layer, strong inertial forces are still felt through the suits. Across multiple novels we're given details about near misses and blasts, accelerated or uncontrolled falls, rattling their teeth, hampering their vision, hearing, or balance; they've been rendered unconscious and suffered internal injuries. The fact that most of these events don't flat out kill them is a credit to their armour and augmentations. For reference - when a person experiences explosive or concussive force from a distance enough to avoid separation of limbs, bisection, etc, the totality of their injuries can't and won't be seen externally. How they present on the outside is just the tippy tip of the iceburg - it's what's happened to them internally that you need to be concerned about. Cracked or fractured bones, torn musculature, arterial shearing, hollow organ rupture, cardiac and brain tissue bleed, to name some common ones, and this kind of trauma extends to all implanted devices as well. For example, rods and nails and other structural aids or replacements are much more resilient than your organic tissues, and can dislodge when tissues tear or rupture, damaging anything in their way like shrapnel. The fragile little balloon of a catheter will shatter when subjected to even relatively minor explosive force, so to even consider for a moment that this would be a viable piece of equipment for people intended to routinely be involved in explosive environments is beyond willful negligence. That there wouldn't be a better solution to the question of waste management - a necessity for literally all human people who make up the entirety of the Spartan branch, with the infinite funding of ONI R&D seems so stupid to me that I… well, that I wrote this. Because, friends - participating in active warfare is not cath-safe. The kinds of physical demands and forces on Spartan bodies are not cath-safe. The risks will never outweigh the benefits to this. Even while sealed in powered armour and a skinsuit tech layer, the very thought of Section Three engineers or Halsey or anyone involved in the development of MJOLNIR dismissing the glaring obvious failure of Spartans having any kind of externalized invasive devices is so unreasonably negligent that it could only be the brainchild of an author who's convinced that these characters are all actually just psuedo-intelligent government boogiemen who aren't as capable as they claim to be. But No. They are that capable, and they are that intelligent and the fact that they have a bottomless budget and deeply flexible ethics is literally what makes them so dangerous.

So if we have to address this, how do we do it? Apparently there was always an official answer for this. Former Franchise Development Director, creator of the Master Chief**, and extremely racist asshole Frank O'Connor weighed in on this in the same interview, where he almost immediate rejected and denied Traviss's catheterization claim and says that 'this sort of stuff' was the kind of thing he and the other creative heads at Bungie/343i talked and planned about all the time. So how does this work then, because we're invested now. According to 'ol Frankie's elegant input: they just pee freely into the suit. That's it. For clarity, he's talking about the skinsuit and not the MJOLNIR interior proper. He goes on to say that connectivity between body and MJOLNIR at all levels is fully noninvasive, but precise, and that it doesn't matter what kind of body output a Spartan introduces into the suit interior, because a hygienic valve system (??) will scrub it continually and collect all matter for recycling and reintroduction via capillary action powered by movement. It's not clear in what layers or intermediaries these mechanisms occupy, he doesn't break it down more than that. But that's the answer, and it did exist back when Traviss was penning Kilo-5.

Is this answer better than haphazardly plugging extension cords from actual organ systems into MJOLNIR interior? Yes. Like, leagues better by comparison, but also I still think it sucks. To me anyway. It's flat out gross as hell, which definitely fits the personal brand of a man who proudly overfed his cat and called himself "Stinkles", but also it just doesn't strike me as the kind of design strategy ONI would pursue for any of their assets. Beside it just being 100% torn from Dune's stillsuits, it's also missing that special brand of proprietary Section Three je ne sais quoi. There's layers upon layers of too-specialized equipment installed into these people for everything else, why skip this? A body function that should have been Point 3 on a 50 point list of 'stuff to manage'. Also though? It's a lot of freedom. This is just another easy opportunity to add yet another layer of dependence. Spartans are expensive equipment. It doesn't do to give them any fewer reasons to think they can ever walk away.

So anyway, I figured I'd take a crack at it. I came up with this while editing the last two paragraphs: [Waste management] - a fully internalized collection and processing device - lets say a cybernetic implantation - that entirely replaces the bladder. It has bio-organic lumens that interconnect it to the GI and Hepatic organs. The implant assists in accelerating the processing of gathering and refining waste materials with the help of nanobots that identify and redirect waste along the lumens of each system, plus they keep the implant clean and free of bad flora. All twice-processed waste gets refined a lot quicker and any water by-product of the process is refined and redistributed back to the organs along the lumens. None of the refined water is removed from the body for drinking, because that's an unnecessary step; it's already inside. (Drinking water would be the responsibility of a suit system more likely - like, sweat leeching in the skinsuit; refine, filtrate, purify, collect into a reservoir, and jettison the excess sodium. ) There is no 'extraction of other viable nutrient' from the remainder, it's been twice identified as waste. It gets catabolized and consumed by the nanobots as a fuel source, and no externalized waste is created at all while the Spartan is geared up. The implant doesn't always run like this - it only engages this way when the Spartan is wearing MJOLNIR, and when they're not, it just works like an out-of-the-box bladder. The intermittence of usage lets the organic organs truck along as usual, preventing risk of atrophy, and the Spartan can just use a bathroom like everyone else. I'm not a bioengineer, but I do like sci fi and I think all that sounds like something that'd be possible in this sandbox. And that's the real fun of it, isn't it? There's no way anyone today can anticipate what sort of gadgetry might be available 500+ years from now, especially in a fictional universe that includes military tech hybridized with reverse engineered alien tech.

I think it's fascinating when writers and artists shake loose and really grab the reins, and I love seeing the fruit of that labour in this particular tumblr community so often. We're not a huge Halo circle, but we're a passionate one, and if this essay leaves you with nothing else, I hope it will at least remind you to Go For It when you're writing your next fic or drawing your next piece, or composing, or sewing, or printing, or anything!

In Conclusion: Rest easy, friends.

Despite Traviss's word and even books that went to print, the official canon is that Spartans are not catheterized. If that's a bummer for anyone, canon can't stop you from writing whatever you want, but I do hope maybe you'll remember my reasoning for why it might not be the best idea? At least not for armoured Spartans. A Spartan, but they're laid up in hospital? Any non-Spartan personnel? Maybe you're writing in the public sector, a colony world or vessel? Sure - I'll bet caths are still plenty widely used. Why not? They're a blissfully simple and useful effective piece of equipment. It's just all about adjusting and adapting for practicality. Medical science, like any technology, adapts and evolves infinitely as we learn and discover new things. Treatments or drug algorithms I'd of used just last year have already undergone changes, and protocols are amended constantly. It's why a person 'practices' medicine; why a scientist is always a student. If questions like this or similar really need answering in your next work, remember: Give yourself the credit you deserve, and embrace the spirit of invention. Let my Cyber Bladder, by Sparklets be the candle in the window for you!

You may all retrieve your keys from the bowl and unsilence your phones. Stay safe and please text me when you get home. Thank you. ' u ' **Addendum: Former Bungie Creative Art Director Marcus Lehto is in fact the person who is most associated with the creation of the Master Chief.**

[naoyaslut]

The Hills Chapter 25

pairings: ran haitani x wife(reader)

wordcount: 2k

warnings: n/a

a/n: continuing the hills 2 years down the line and we're still getting caught up in some bonten bullshit.

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Your heart raced as you stared at the two agents, fighting to keep your expression neutral. "Of course," you said smoothly, gesturing to the chairs in front of your desk.

"Please, have a seat."  you said.

As they settled in, you sank back into your own chair, mind whirling. What could Ran possibly have done to warrant ATF involvement? And why was he turning himself in?

"Mrs. Haitani, we have reason to believe your husband may be involved in some illegal weapons trafficking," Agent Vancouver began. "Have you noticed anything unusual lately? Any suspicious packages or late night meetings?"

You shook your head, forcing a puzzled frown.

"No, nothing like that. Ran's been busy with work, but that's normal for him."

Agent Harrod leaned forward, his intense gaze boring into you.

"And what exactly does your husband do for work, Mrs. Haitani?" Agent Harrod's voice held a note of skepticism.

You met his gaze steadily, your heart pounding beneath your calm exterior. "He's in imports and exports. Mostly consumer goods from China and Southeast Asia." The lie rolled smoothly off your tongue, practiced and polished over the years.

"Mhm," Agent Vancouver murmured, jotting something in his notepad. "And you've never noticed anything... out of the ordinary with these shipments?"

"No, never," you replied, allowing a hint of confusion to color your tone. "Is there a specific reason you're asking about this? Has something happened?"

The agents exchanged a glance. "We're not at liberty to discuss the details of our investigation," Vancouver said carefully. "But we have credible information linking your husband to some very dangerous people."

You forced a look of concern onto your face, though inside your stomach churned with anxiety.

"Dangerous people? I don't understand. Ran's just a businessman."

Agent Harrod's eyes narrowed slightly.

"Mrs. Haitani, we have evidence suggesting your husband may be involved with the Bonten syndicate. Are you familiar with that organization?"

Your breath caught in your throat, but you managed to keep your expression neutral.

"I've heard the name on the news, I think. Some kind of criminal organization?" You shook your head. "But I don't see how Ran could possibly be mixed up with anything like that."

Vancouver leaned forward, his voice softening.

"We understand this must be difficult to hear. But we need your cooperation. If you know anything at all that might help our investigation, now is the time to speak up."

The tension in the room was palpable.

A chill ran down your spine, but you kept your composure, arching an eyebrow skeptically.

"I find that hard to believe," you said, injecting just the right amount of indignation into your voice. "Ran is a businessman, not some kind of criminal."

Agent Harrod's eyes narrowed slightly.

"With all due respect, Mrs. Haitani, you might be surprised what your husband is capable of."

You felt a flicker of anger at his insinuation, though you knew it was likely true. Still, you clung to your role as the innocent, oblivious wife.

"I think I know my own husband," you said coolly.

Vancouver held up a placating hand.

"We understand this must be difficult to hear. We're just trying to get to the truth. If you think of anything that might be relevant, please give us a call." He slid a business card across your desk.

You picked it up, examining it briefly before setting it aside.

"Of course," you said, your tone polite but cool. "Is there anything else?"

The agents exchanged a glance. "Not at the moment," Vancouver said, rising to his feet. "Thank you for your time, Mrs. Haitani."

As they turned to leave, you called after them.

"Agents?" They paused, looking back. You fixed them with a steady gaze. "My husband is a good man. I hope you'll keep that in mind during your investigation."

After they left, you sank back in your chair, exhaling slowly.

Your hands trembled slightly as you reached for your phone, desperate to call Ran. But you stopped yourself, knowing it wasn't safe. If they were watching him, they might be monitoring your calls too.

Instead, you busied yourself tidying your desk, mind racing. What had Ran gotten himself into this time? And why hadn't he warned you sooner?

As you sorted through papers, your eyes fell on the box of wedding invitations. A lump formed in your throat. Would there even be a wedding now?

The rest of the day passed in a blur. You went through the motions, seeing patients and handling paperwork, but your thoughts were elsewhere. By the time you locked up the office, your nerves were frayed.

The drive home was tense, your eyes constantly darting to the rearview mirror, half-expecting to see a tail. But no one followed you to the quiet suburban street.

As your driver pulled into the daycare parking lot, the late afternoon sun cast long shadows across the asphalt. The cheerful chatter of children and parents filtered through your car window, a stark contrast to the turmoil churning inside you. You plastered on a smile as you walked through the colorful hallways, decorated with finger paintings and construction paper crafts.

Kai's face lit up when she saw you, her chubby hands reaching out as she toddled over. "Mama!" she squealed, her dark curls bouncing. You scooped her up, inhaling her sweet baby scent, and for a moment the world felt right again.

"Hey, baby girl," you murmured, kissing her cheek. "Ready to go home?"

The drive home was filled with Kai's animated babbling from the backseat. You nodded and responded at the appropriate moments, but your mind was elsewhere. As you pulled into the driveway, you scanned the quiet street, half-expecting to see unmarked police cars. But everything seemed normal.

Inside, you went through the motions of your evening routine - dinner, bath time, bedtime stories. Kai seemed to sense your distraction, clinging to you more than usual. As you tucked her into her little bed, she looked up at you with Ran's eyes.

"Where Dada?" she asked sleepily.

Your throat tightened. "Daddy had to work late, sweetheart. He'll be home soon." You prayed it wasn't a lie.

As Kai peacefully slept, you found yourself unable to relax in the stillness of the house. Every little noise sent shivers down your spine and made you question who or what could be lurking in the shadows. You poured yourself a glass of wine, but even that couldn't calm your nerves as you anxiously took in the ticking of the clock on the mantle. Just when you thought you were safe, the sound of the doorbell shattered the silence. Panic set in as you debated whether to answer it or hide away from potential danger. Who could possibly be at the door? How did they manage to get past all of the security measures? Your mind raced with conflicting thoughts and fears as you cautiously approached the door.

With trembling fingers, you approached the door, heart pounding in your chest. Through the peephole, you caught a glimpse of a familiar silhouette - tall, lean, with shoulder-length hair. Relief washed over you as you recognized Rin, Ran's younger brother.

You quickly undid the locks and pulled open the door. Rin stood there, impeccably dressed as always in a tailored three-piece suit, his gold-framed glasses glinting in the porch light. The Bonten tattoo on his throat seemed to pulse in the shadows.

"Rin," you breathed, ushering him inside. "What's going on? Is Ran okay?"

Rin's stoic expression betrayed nothing as he stepped into the foyer, his polished shoes clicking against the hardwood. The scent of expensive cologne and something darker - gunpowder, perhaps - wafted around him.

"He's fine," Rin said, his voice low and controlled. "Everything is under control."

You closed the door behind him, double-checking the locks. "Under control? Ran said he was turning himself in. The ATF was at my office today, asking questions. What the hell is going on?"

Rin's amethyst eyes swept the room, taking in every detail. "Is Kai asleep?"

You nodded, frustration building.

"Yes, she's been down for hours. Now will you please tell me what's happening?"

He moved further into the house, settling into an armchair in the living room. You perched on the edge of the sofa, hands clasped tightly in your lap.

"There was a... situation," Rin began carefully. "A shipment went missing. Someone talked. Ran is handling it."

You felt a chill run down your spine at Rin's words.

"Handling it how?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

Rin's expression remained impassive, but you caught a flicker of something in his eyes - concern, perhaps?

"It's best you don't know the details," he said. "Plausible deniability."

You swallowed hard, fighting back a wave of nausea.

"And turning himself in? Was that part of... handling it?"

Rin nodded slowly. "A calculated move. It buys us time and throws off suspicion. He'll be out by morning, as he told you."

Your mind reeled, trying to process it all. The quiet life you'd built, the normalcy you'd craved - it was all hanging by a thread. And yet, a part of you had always known this day might come.

You sat in silence for a moment, processing Rin's words. The ticking of the clock on the mantle seemed deafening in the quiet room.

"How bad is it?" you finally asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

Rin's eyes met yours, his gaze intense. "Bad enough that we need to be prepared for anything. Ran wanted me to come check on you and Kai, make sure you're safe."

A chill ran down your spine. "Are we in danger?"

"Not immediately," Rin replied, his tone measured. "But it's best to be cautious. I've stationed extra security around the perimeter. They're discreet - you won't see them, but they're there."

You nodded, a lump forming in your throat. "And Ran? When will I see him?"

"Soon," Rin assured you.

Rin's words offered little comfort as the reality of the situation sank in. You stood abruptly, pacing the living room as anxiety coursed through you.

"I can't believe this is happening," you muttered, running a hand through your hair. "We were supposed to be planning our wedding, not... not dealing with missing shipments and federal agents."

Rin watched you silently, his expression unreadable. After a moment, he spoke, his voice low and measured. "Y/N, you've always known who Ran is. Who we are. This life... it comes with risks."

You whirled to face him, anger flashing in your eyes. "I know that," you hissed. "But I thought... I thought things were different now. We have Kai to think about."

A flicker of emotion - regret, perhaps? - crossed Rin's face.

Rin stood, crossing the room to place a hand on your shoulder. His touch was surprisingly gentle.

"Ran is doing this for Kai," he said softly. "For all of you. He wants to secure a future where you can live without looking over your shoulders."

You let out a shaky breath, fighting back tears. "By putting himself in danger? How does that help us?"

"It's complicated," Rin replied, dropping his hand. "But Ran has a plan. He always does."

You nodded, knowing it was true. Ran was always three steps ahead, always maneuvering behind the scenes. It was part of what made him so successful - and so dangerous.

"What do I do now?" you asked, feeling suddenly lost.

Rin's expression softened slightly.

"You do what you've always done. You take care of Kai. You go to work.”

You nodded, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. Rin was right - you had to keep up appearances, for Kai's sake if nothing else.

"Alright," you said, squaring your shoulders. "I'll carry on as normal. But I want updates, Rin. No more being kept in the dark."

A ghost of a smile flickered across Rin's face. "You're tougher than Ran gives you credit for," he murmured.

You raised an eyebrow. "He should know better by now."

Rin nodded, his expression turning serious once more. "I'll keep you informed as much as I can. But Y/N... be careful. Watch what you say, who you talk to. Trust no one outside the family right now."

The gravity of his words sank in, and you felt a chill run down your spine.

[indestructimale]

he, him, his. address me as such.

28-year-old bisexual autistic trans male, self-assured pervert, autoandrophile, erotophile, satyromaniac—online and offline.

⛓ forced masculinity + boy hypno + masculine conditioning headspace ⛓

this blog contains adult content and will not follow back.

absolutely no minors, cishets, fash or phobes.

i'm pro-kink and pro-consent. i encourage anyone who takes interest in this space to interact with me and follow the blog. feel free to send ask box messages, anon or not. i'm interested in interacting with this community and would love to hear from you.

i've been out of the closet and living openly trans for 10 years now. i'm 1 year post-op (top surgery, august 2023) and i've been injecting testosterone (0.25 ml jan 2021 - jan 2022, 0.35 ml jan 2022 - present), for 3 1/2 years.

due to adhd my consistency with taking my t shot can be affected sometimes and i will miss shots consecutively and unintentionally. this, as noted, isn't intentional or because i'm hesitant about injecting—it's just adhd getting in the way of a routine.

i'm thinking having this blog and connecting to the community will help me keep track of my shots and take them consistently, on the same day, weekly.

0.35 ml testosterone cypionate

subcutaneous injections every sunday

started: january 25, 2021

streak: 9 weeks

goal: 20 weeks

[wise-lizard-wizard]

thoughts on dino squad? (2007)

(btw it’s episodic. You can watch it in any order tbh (first episode is titled ‘the beginning’))

I absolutely adore it!

I run the account Victor-Veloci-Simp-69.

I've been thinking about linking it to my Main, purely bc when I reblog and reply on posts, it shows my main, so it seems like I don't interact with people as my DS account, which makes me sad because it feels like I might be interpreted as standoffish? But I never have time, and it feels insignificant to do so.

I watched the show when I was a kid, then rediscovered it a couple of years ago, and now every few years I rewatch it.

Its not Technically a "good" show but eh. I love it.

I think the reason why I'm so obsessed with the show is because (This going to get so long, I am so sorry, I have so many thoughts)

There are so much that is just never adressed. I have so many thoughts. There is so much to expand on, so many AUs that are there for the imagining.

I genuinely like the episodes. The plot is genuinely so much fun. The why's of these plots is...questionable. The how's is fun tho.

IT IS SO INCONSISTENT! Okay, not part of why I like it, but Ahhhhhhhhh. None of it makes sense. The characterization changes literally seconds apart!!!!! WHAT!!!!!

JUST FROM EPISODE 1: WHY IS BUZZ DEPICTED AS AN ANIMAL LOVER AND THEN GOES "NAH, I'M NOT SAVING THE DOG FROM DROWNING". This happens seconds Apart!!!!

Why does Roger act indifferent about the assignment and then say "we should work together on this assignment" and Care about the assignment. SECONDS APART!!!!!

THEN THERE'S THE ANIMATION! OH MY GOD. At 4:21, Caruso is shown barefoot. At 4:25 HE HAS SHOES ON.

Ms Moynihan after they get mutated goes: "I told u not to go into the water" NO YOU DIDN'T. YOU NEVER SAID THAT. WHY R U LYING.

(Okay, so she could have said that off screen,I'll give it a pass, but also Literally No Where was that message implied to have been said before she stated that. Also, that implies that she knows Veloci is regularly dumping shit in the water.)

Also, Veloci injects Peter in episode 1 and this is just...never adressed again? What does that do to Peter, besides his eyes changing? THERE IS NO EFFECT WHAT DOES IT DO, I DON’T REMEMBER SEEING THE GUY EVER AGAIN WHAT!!! WHY DID VELOCI DO THAT.

Since Peter was injected with the Ooze, but Veloci is looking for his "perfect dinosaurs", then that inplies Peter is a failed dino. What happened to him? I am in hysterics. What. DOES VELOCI JUST HAVE LIKE A BUNCH OF STAFF THAT ARE FAILED DINOS!!!? I HAVE QUESTIONS!!!

I AM....AHHHHHHHHHHHH....I am so normal about this hahahaha.

Which is probably why it sticks in my head so much. Any media I get obsessed with usually has some aspect that makes me want to rip apart a chair with my teeth. Half the fun is telling my friend about the thing that makes me choke in frustration/rage. I like ranting. Its part of the fun to me.

4) I love the animation style.

5) I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, I AM CLAWING AT MY ENCLOSURE, HOW!!! HOW DID VELOCI AND MS M SURVIVE IN THAT CAVE???? WHERE THEY SLEEPING FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS??? IF SO, HOW WHERE THEY NEVER DISCOVERED BY HUMANS IN ALL THAT TIME?

AT WHAT POINT DID THEY AWAKEN? THROUGH WHAT TIME PERIODS HAVE THEY LIVED? HOW DID THEY EXPIERIENCE WORLD WAR 1? WORLD WAR 2? ALL THE TRAGEDIES? How did they get from point A to point B????

How did they get to their current lives?

There is so much that remains a mystery. And with the large amounts of time Veloci and Ms M had, there is so much thats just. Not there. There are so many gaps to fill. There are so many AUs that can happen. And with the inconsistencies, there are so many places where I can't image the characters are anything but either unreliable or maybe even straight up lying...

Oh, and that's the other thing:

5) They are all, and I mean every single character, Major Assholes. The assholiest. Their only consistent character trait is being an asshole. I love it.

Anyway, I am sooooi normal about this show. So normal.

Also, very important! I love your dinosquad posts!!!! They're really cool, and I love seeing you in the fandom! Just. Feel really gushy about your posts. Also, I always feel really happy when I see you liked one of my Dinosquad posts. Its a small fandom, so I always feel like I'm talking into a void.

I have more thoughts, but this post has gotte really long as is lmao. I am so sorry.

This ask meant a lot to me, so thanks ♥.

[zoeykallus]

Echo - There For You 27 - Desperate Times

Echo x Fem!Reader FF

Warnings: ANGST

__________________

After an initial quick examination, Tech determines that Echo's condition is very serious. Now it is time to act quickly.

__________________

What Happened Before:

There For You 1 - I’ll Stay With you

2. Just You And Me

3. Under Cherry Blossoms

4. I Can’t Lose Her

5. The Scent Of Memories

6. A Little More Time

7. Heat In A Cold Night

8. Traditions

9. Revelations

10. Sweet And Painful

11. Tears In The Dark

12. Guilt

13. Everybody Needs Somebody

14. A Real Embrace

15. Veterans

16. Hidden Things

17. Delirium

18. Help Is On The Way

19. With A Bang

20. Permanent Damage

21. Until Some Day

22. No Things Left Unsaid

23. Ups And Downs

24 - Truth And Consequences

25 - Back Home

26 – Distraction

27 -Desperate Times

Anxiously, you looked over Tech's shoulder as he performed a scan on Echo. You were all shaky, with a queasy feeling in your stomach, your whole body shaking slightly as if you were freezing. "Not good," Tech muttered softly. Your heart sank to the back of your knees. You watched as Tech, gave Echo an injection, then turned to you and the others. "Some of the chips and circuits in his brain are fried," Tech finally said seriously. "Can't we just replace them?" asked Wrecker, who gently put a hand on your shoulder. As Tech shook his head, you sat down, feeling your knees buckle underneath you. You tried to breathe calmly, to comprehend what was happening. "That would take brain surgery. I can do some things and I know some things, but I'm not a brain surgeon. I would have to learn these things first, which is faster for me than for the average person, but would still take several days. Also, this is not just brain surgery, we also need spare parts and knowledge of this particular techno unit technology. Echo desperately needs a real surgeon, and not just any surgeon, but one who knows about the Techno Unit technology." You felt sick. You had no idea where to get someone like that in a hurry. "What happens to him when he wakes up?" Tech looked at you calmly and tried to say as matter-of-factly and gently as possible, "I've sedated him, I'm going to keep him in this state until we can do more. In his current state, he probably won't be able to articulate or make coordinated movements. Presumably, the risk of further injury to his brain while awake is increased as well" "That means Wrecker and I need to go out and get that surgeon," Hunter said with grim determination. Tech nodded in agreement and said, "I need to stay with Echo, monitor him and make sure he doesn't wake up for now."

Crosshair checked messages daily, on the emergency com. He gave the contact information to you and Hunter, no one else, for emergencies. He had written them down in the letter he had left you.

Today was no exception, he checked the com for messages. Crosshair was expecting the same as always, no messages, but surprised to find that someone had actually left him a message. He was even more surprised when he heard your voice. He could hear from the first notes that something was wrong, your voice sounded brittle, quieter than usual, a bit hoarse, as if you had been crying. Crosshair frowned and turned his attention to the com, listening carefully.

"Cross."

He expelled the breath he had been holding. The word sounded so shaky and desperate coming out of your mouth that it made him hot and cold. His thoughts were racing. What had happened?

"It's about Echo. He's been badly injured, his life is hanging by a thread. Hunter and Wrecker are on their way to get help, and Tech stayed with me to keep an eye on Echo. He's… not doing well."

Crosshair blinked, waiting for the message to continue. There was a pause, sorting out your thoughts and words before speaking further.

"I thought you should know that. And if I'm honest… I would feel better if you were here, Echo would want that too if he could talk."

The message ended abruptly. Crosshair stared at his com, heart racing. He didn't even notice that he automatically moved into the cockpit of the shuttle and started the engine, only when his hands took the wheel, he realized that he had already made his decision.

He opened the right com frequency and left a short but clear message.

"I'm on my way, Kitten."

You had fallen asleep on the chair next to Echo's bed at some point. The beeping of your com woke you up. Tired, you rubbed the sleep from your eyes and saw that Tech was taking another look at Echo's vitals.

He looked up and looked at you.

"Unchanged," he clarified, "Under the current circumstances, that's good for now."

You nodded and looked at your com, saw the sign for a voice message light up. You played it, immediately recognizing Crosshair's voice.

"I'm on my way, Kitten."

You took a deep breath. The feeling, the hope that everything could be okay again, was suddenly a little more tangible.

Tech looked in your direction again.

"You notified Crosshair?"

"Yes," you said with a nod, "I thought it would be good if we were all together under the circumstances."

Tech blinked and said, "A good idea. Echo would want that too"

"That was my thought exactly"

You stood up, walked over to Echo and looked down at him. His eyes closed, breathing calmly and evenly, several monitoring devices hooked up to him, so Tech could check his vitals at any given moment.

You didn't dare touch him for fear of worsening his fragile condition. Echo looked deceptively peaceful. You knew how bad he was, that behind his sleeping face there was only chaos.

"Tech?"

"Yes?"

Quietly, you asked, "Do you think Echo can make it?"

Tech looked at you and said, "Chances are-"

"No," you interrupted him, "I don't want to hear calculations or odds. What does your gut tell you?"

Tech was silent, blinking and looking at you a little helplessly for a while. Finally, he answered, "I think it's possible. Hunter and Wrecker know how urgent the matter is, they will hurry and so far Echo's condition has not worsened I would say…. there is hope."

Again, you took a deep breath and said, "Thanks Tech."

"There is no need to thank me"

You smiled softly and said, "Thanks anyway."

Again he blinked.

"You're welcome"

The sound of a shuttle landing distracted you. Part of you wanted to jump up and run out to see who was coming, but you stayed rooted to the spot, paralyzed. You heard the door in the main room open, footsteps lunging, and knew before Crosshair appeared in the doorway of the infirmary that it was him.

His gaze roamed the room, lingered on Echo for a long moment, then on you. You wanted to move, but you still felt paralyzed, overwhelmed by your feelings, by the fear for Echo and the simultaneous relief that Crosshair was back, at least temporarily.

He looked at you for a long time, his gaze hard to interpret. Then Tech brought him out of his thoughts.

"It's good you're here," Tech said.

Crosshair nodded silently at him, sighed softly, and finally stepped into the room. At the same moment, you broke free of your stupor and approached him. He stood stiffly, as if rooted to the spot, as you wrapped your arms around him and hugged him. There was nothing loving or tender about the embrace, this hug was desperate for support and comfort.

At first, Crosshair didn't know how to react at all and held completely still. He exchanged a glance with Tech, but he seemed more confused than helpful, and shrugged his shoulders. After what felt like an eternity, he finally returned the hug and said, somewhat awkwardly, "Um, it's going to be okay."

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@allsystemsblue

@palliateclaw

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@extrahotpixels

@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

@malicemercy

@bebopsworld

@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@jediknightjana

@pb-jellybeans

@antishadow2021

[unbindingisaac]

Subsequent Years On Testosterone

Years 1-1.5 (2018-2019)

Between 12-18 months on testosterone, I noticed that I began passing as male much more frequently until I completely passed by month 18. During this time, I became a lot more confident in myself. I took a lot of selfies and started to love how I looked in the mirror and became more comfortable with my my voice.

I went real clothes shopping instead of thrifting or getting my stuff from donations.

I even let a professional photographer--Timothy Hiatt--take pictures of me!

In November of 2017, I had my consultation with my future top surgeon!

Years 1.5-3 (2019-2020)

Between 18 months and 3 years on testosterone (2018-2020), I took a lot of huge steps and hit a lot of milestones in my transition and life journey. On May 8, 2019, I had top surgery with Dr. Meryl Livermore at Denver Health in Denver, Colorado.

Because I have more info about my top surgery on my Transition Timline page, I'm only going to share a few of pictures in this post.

Top surgery opened up a door for a lot of new "firsts" for me. I also had a total hysterectomy on July 28, 2020. While having a hysterectomy didn't change my outward appearance, it did relieve a lot of gender dysphoria for me.

Years 4-5 (2021-2022)

Years 3-5 were such a huge struggle for me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Due to poor mental health and living through a global pandemic, my transition and body image took a major hit. After doing testosterone injections for years, I suddenly developed a fear of needles and failed to do my shots consistently and on time (this is a HUGE problem for many reasons). I switched to using the packet form of testosterone gel but struggled to keep up with not being able to fulfill my prescription due to issues with my doctor's office, and it was difficult to keep up with putting on the gel every day. Having inconsistent hormone levels made me feel like shit all the time and caused me to experience symptoms of menopause due to having had a complete hysterectomy.

2021-2022 was especially hard for me. While I weighed 125 pounds at the beginning of 2020, I weighed 210 by the end of 2022--I gained a total of 85 pounds (mostly between 2021 and 2022). Due to my gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, and low self-esteem, I stopped going shirtless despite having been so excited to swim and sun bathe without a shirt on. I was so unhappy. I looked and felt and was sick all of the time (mentally, emotionally, and physically). I truly didn't know if I would make it through this period of time.

The only positive thing that happened in my transition during this period of time is that I started to have more facial hair growth which helped me to feel more masculine (despite it looking terrible due to me not trimming it well).

Years 6-7 (2023-2024/Present)

2023 to now (2024) has been a lot better than the previous two years (2021-2022). I turned 25 earlier this year, and I feel entirely different about myself and my relationship to the world/universe/society than I did when I first started transitioning at 17-18 years old. I am working to be a happier and healthier person. I have lost nearly 30 pounds since my heaviest weigh-in in 2022.

Aside from the general mental, physical, and emotional changes and improvements I've experienced in the past two years, I've also had some interesting developments with my gender transition.

Stealth vs. Out?

First, while I had previously always been very open and public about being transgender, I decided to go almost entirely stealth in 2023. I started a new job where none of my coworkers/friends new that I was trans. At first, it felt great to just been seen as a man instead of being seen as transgender. Being regarded as a cis man without question really boosted my self-esteem, eased my dysphoria, and constantly surprised me.

(I played games like Helldivers 2 with a group of my guy friends almost every night for a while)

However, I started feeling like I wasn't safe in certain friendships and like it was difficult for me to make deeper connections with others. Currently, I live in a small, conservative town, and the general attitude in the area has made me feel like being stealth is the smartest choice for me when it comes to my peace and safety. However, I had a very inspiring visit to Chicago in April 2024, and seeing all of the queer culture and acceptance in the city made me realize how much I really just want to be out and open and want to embrace me for all of me.

After a year of being entirely stealth, I recently decided to be open again about my transgender status, and that's why I'm here sharing this blog today. While I am still stealth in a lot of instances, I no longer feel like being trans is something that I should be ashamed of or feel forced to hide.

(me wearing a trans flag shirt after deciding to stop being stealth)

Testosterone Levels

Over the past year, my testosterone levels have either been off-the-charts high or bordering on low with no in between. Since about 2022, I have been using the testosterone gel, but my doctor and I couldn't figure out the right dosage for me. I recently changed doctors and decided to switch from testosterone gel to subcutaneous injections. So far, I feel a lot better and healthier overall.

Hair Loss

Over the past two years, I have noticed hair loss. It started small at first: I think it was in the fall of 2022 when I noticed some more hair coming out in the shower than usual. From 2022 to 2023, I continued to notice more hair coming out in the shower, but it didn't start concerning me until the end of 2023 when the hair loss suddenly accelerated. By the spring of 2024, my hair was falling out rapidly, and family members noticed that my hair seemed noticeably thinner. Since then, my hair has continued to thin. My doctor prescribed finasteride to help slow down the hair loss, recommended that I focus on losing weight, and helped me switch from the testosterone gel to the injections because having more stable testosterone levels might help ease the hair loss. However, my doctor told me that the hair loss is pretty much inevitable at this point. I think it's important for me to share this part of my transition and life journey because it shows that testosterone continues to cause lifelong changes and that even trans guys can go bald on testosterone--and that's not something we need to hide or be ashamed of. At first, testosterone made my hair way thicker. Now, it's noticeably thinner than it was in my previous posts.

So, yeah. That's where I am right now when it comes to the effects of testosterone. I have a lot more to say about different aspects of my life and transition, so I will keep on posting different updates about different topics from here on out. For now, though, it's...

To Be Continued...

[almostfini]

My disability story pt 4/?

The first 3 pts had a lot of background info to establish my "baseline" prior to puberty which is when shit really hit the fan for my health. Here's a basic timeline of when my symptoms first showed up:

9 or 10: chronic severe migraines (runs in my family on both sides)

12: endometriosis (I only got diagnosed last year at 25 when they biopsied my organs post hysterectomy+)

13: PMDD

13: asthma got bad enough for my parents to take seriously, discovered a bunch of allergies and had shots for the next 5 years. The injection site always swelled up to the size of a large orange for at least 3 days but they greatly improved my symptoms.

13: panic disorder. Probably existed prior but this is when multiple doctors started suggesting therapy. (My mom took this as a personal attack and did not do that)

14: my psychosis had been gradually ramping up till it hit its peak between 14-16. Made worse by my PMDD and extended periods of isolation by my religious parents.

15: joint pain started around here. Still undiagnosed but EDS suspected

16: major depressive disorder

At 17 I convinced my mom to let me start antidepressants. MASSIVE GAMECHANGER! Not only did it make my various mental disorders more bearable but it had the unexpected side effect of all but curing my migraines! This is probably the luckiest I've been my entire life. I went from migraines 3 days a week to maybe 1 a month. Now I only get them in response to major triggers (allergies, flashing lights, etc)

This is a good place to cut off. Next time I'll get into CFS/ME. Thank you for reading!

EDITED because I thought this was pt 5 but it's actually pt 4

[unveiled-if]

Sorry for the radio silence!

A... Lot has been going on. Idk if I've ever told this but I work two jobs at the moment, one as a restaurant manager and other within the navy, and it's grinding me to the ground. I have exactly 1 day off during the week and that's spent sleeping and crying, you'll know more as you read. If you don't, I get it. It's a bit of a downer post.

But working is fine! I like being a busybody, and I love working for both places. BUT.

My back/leg/hip/lumbar's given out. I don't know if it's the worst case of sciatica known to mankind or what, but it's been going on since last November and getting worse by the day. I'm 25 and looking at a future in early retirement (AT UNDER 30), it's that bad, and even worse for my psyche. Painkillers don't help (prescription/OTC, what have you), muscle relaxants don't work, physio doesn't work, one doctor even injected some cortisone for a whole separate issue and wow, surprise, that didn't work. I'm so close to going to the ER and asking for an amputation at this point.

Now, I know sharing this is kinda TMI, but I feel like you deserve a reason, the transparency why I haven't gotten around to posting lately. I've just been working (literally) through the pain, gone home, ugly cried from the agony, and passed out just to repeat the whole shebang.

And I can't not work. I'm so deep in debt, you know, in Finnish standards. I know 13k is nothing compared to some, but here it's a lot if I can't keep working.

I'm sorry for oversharing, but this is my reality right now, and I'm at my wit's end. I can't sleep, I can barely get out of bed. I can't tie my shoes. I can't pick up my niece, and I can't go out to spend time with my friends without almost overdosing on painkillers just to move. Sometimes only alcohol helps, and I don't want to do that because of the addiction running in my genes.

I want to scream and cry and leave this body for a better one, but I can't, and if this keeps going I won't be able to do anything and it scares the shit out of me.

I know the doctors are doing their best, but of course there's bias when I'm so young. We have to go through all the plausible treatments before surgery is even considered. Plus, I'm from a tiny town. Getting an appointment takes months, and then it's the same things all over again.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not giving you the updates you deserve. I still listen to music that inspires me, and I do write down ideas, but I can't bring myself to write more than a paragraph, once a week.

I'm sorry for not interacting or being as chipper as I usually am. It's just too much for me to handle all at once, I am but one creature.

But I'll try to keep up a positive outlook. Finland is a good country, with good healthcare, and I trust them to help me so I can keep paying taxes haha.

Sorry for a long, useless post, but you deserve to know. And maybe I needed to get it off my chest. My family is already tired of listening to me complain anyway.

Love y'all forever 💜

[ctlightner]

Book Review: Snowglobe by Soyoung Park, translated by Joungmin Lee Comfort

SUMMARY:

Snowglobe is a post-apocalyptic dystopian YA novel where climate change has resulted in the Earth being frozen almost all the time. Temperatures average about 5F on a good day, but can regularly get down to -50F. However, there is one place in the world where the temperatures are mild and regulated: the city of Snowglobe, which exists under a dome. Theoretically, anyone can go live in Snowglobe. The catch is, you must submit to having your entire life filmed and recorded and edited into the TV shows the rest of the outside world watches.

The story follows Jeon Chobahm, who is a dead ringer for the most famous actor in Snowglobe, Goh Haeri: the girl next door, whose life has been broadcasted since her birth. However, Haeri's director, Cha Seol, shows up one day looking for Chobahm, and tells her that she needs to take over Haeri's life because the TV star has committed suicide. Chobahm agrees, and then discovers all of the secrets and twists that the haven has to offer.

REVIEW:

I was actually surprised at how much I loved this book. These days, YA and I usualy don't vibe, but I'm beginning to suspect that it may have less to do with books for teens, and more to do with how what people now picture as YA is more along the lines of what people want to call "New Adult." Snowglobe would probably not go over well for that 17-25 crowd, but I think it is perfect for "Lower YA," aka, "Teens," aka people age 12-16.

It's an extremely fast-paced, plot-forward story with casual, modern language and subject matter that a lot of middle schoolers and early high schoolers can relate to. I can only imagine how terrifying school can be nowadays for kids who adamantly do not want to film or be filmed, but sometimes have no choice due to a lot of social medias encouraging a panopticonic approach to life.

I will admit, it's not a particularly deep book. It's doesn't pick apart its world like The Hunger Games does, but it does offer an avatar for readers to immerse themselves in. I don't know how that is affected by it being a book in translation, but I suspect it has more to do with the intended age range of readers. The plot itself goes at a very fast pace, with high-stakes plot twists happening one right after the other.

To be brutally honest, one of the reasons I find this book so charming is because it reads like a self-insert fanfic. I mean this VERY complimentary. I've read more than a few fics that center OCs, Y/Ns, and 2nd-person Reader Inserts, and they all have a certain pace and voice to them that injects a wonderful confidence into the narrative. A confidence that, to the lay person, may seem amateurish and confusing, but to a connoisseur of these stories is familiar, nostalgic, and exactly what's needed. It is imperative that this book is approached with a want to be pulled along on a wild, exciting, fantastical roller coaster. I think many in the 12-16 range naturally approach things like that, which is why I think that's the ideal demographic.

But, if you or someone you know want a little brain candy, pick it up. And for a chaser, I'd recommend two video essays ([1], [2]) by Moon Channel about an ongoing gender war (his words) in South Korea, and why the country has come to blows like this. I think these videos offer an introduction for Westerners into some of the nuances of Korean life, and bring another layer of context to the premise of this book.

If you know a child in middle school who loves to read dystopian fiction, consider pointing them in the direction of this book, especially if the have read and enjoyed Divergent.

[zaptap]

uhhh i just bought a second gamecube lol

like. my gamecube is a dol-101 which means it doesn't have a digital out port (which means converting it to hdmi is always going to look like shit) and i've wanted to get it modded to add the port but that seems to be impossible at least for the time being (the kits have been sold out for so long and now the one site selling them seems to have taken down the listing. plus on top of that i'd have to have someone do it for me and idk where to go for that either) (from what i can tell getting a modchip added also seems trickier than on a dol-001?)

most of the advice ive seen for this situation is "just get rid of it and get a dol-001" which is uh. not the point. this is my childhood gamecube i want to keep using it. it's also a perfectly good console so it's annoying to see people so eager to just throw them aside

but i looked... and for just $100 i found a dol-001 that was already modded with picoboot (ipl replacement that makes the console boot into whatever you want) and they refurbished it (cleaned all the parts, recapped the motherboard which according to them will extend its life by 25 years). disk drive doesnt work but with picoboot that's kind of unimportant. seller seems to be pretty reliable too, they have almost exclusively good reviews going back to 2016

feels a little redundant to get a second gamecube, especially since i can technically already get a digital signal out of natively run gamecube games on my wii u and wii... it does add that to the game boy player though (also: with picoboot you can set a button to hold to automatically boot into the game boy interface, which btw is the homebrew replacement for the game boy player software that does a better job displaying the games apparently). also been thinking about getting a gba flashcart anyway (ez flash omega definitive edition) to add more to that

also my experience using nintendont on my wii u has been kind of awkward. you have to go all the way into wii mode and the homebrew channel and nintendont and then pick the game (sure, injects are a thing, but i've tried a few and they all black screen, and i've tried everything the devs of the inject program, uwuvci, say to do to make them work--and they also say for some people it just doesn't for some reason and nobody knows why). sometimes i get in there and it gets some kind of error and i have to start all the way over. meanwhile modded gamecube boots into swiss and you pick a game from there and that's it

the drawback is that since you're loading from an sd card (either in a memory card adapter or in a serial port 2 adapter, they're functionally the same) there's compatibility issues since it can't always read from there fast enough to run the game full speed. however there's also something called the M.2 loader coming that'll be able to load the data faster (from the ssd you attach to it). you plug it into serial port 1 (where the broadband adapter would go). but anyway if there are any games that don't run right booted from the sd i could probably just do them on the wii u or wii instead

anyway. my hope is that someday i'll be able to get my original gamecube modded (and then either sell this new one or give it away i suppose?), but it's good to have a backup

and it's not like gamecubes are going to get cheaper, probably, so getting that now is good i guess? like. that's a really good deal .a gamecube that's pre-modded and refurbished and apparently comes with an sd card? (the seller casually mentioned they could include some games if asked. the only way to run games on this one is through an sd card, so those would have to be iso files. on an sd card. if theyre giving me the card already then copying files doesnt cost them anything. so maybe there's a card in there). anyway yeah all that for $100. pretty good i think

well. maybe someday as they become more scarce people won't be so quick to abandon dol-101s and there'll be more resources for modding them

[returntosaturn271995]

Friday, August 4th: Window of Tolerance

You can't keep a good girl down, even though I did smoke 4 cigarettes this week. Which is more than I usually have in a year, because now is not the time to be making new vices. On my run today I found myself worrying that I had the black lung, which is ridiculous given that I never worry about that when I smoke a joint.

Still, I've been in an east coast state of mind. Literally, this new job is on east coast hours because I'm quite a silly person who says yes to things without consulting future me. But fuck it! MO' MONEY. I discussed my outrageous nerves (or what should be outrageous nerves but I'm a little in denial) with my therapist, Angelita, yesterday.

I can't control the future. This job may very well suck. But it's 21 K for 3 months, so apparently that's my going rate for corporate stooge services. Truth is: I can do a fucking LOT with that kind of money. Move to New York or Colorado. Get my hair done and my face injected just a lil to avoid looking as stressed as I can get.

Angelita suggested I be happy and celebrate, which I am and I am, but we need to remember this is my life. Going to plan isn't exactly its thing. Just ask about my love life and my career and some of my estranged best friends.

Oh to be a 20's cliche just three weeks short of 28. 2-8 baby. My return to Saturn is supposed to last until I'm 30 so we're approaching the 1/3rd mark. In this time I've dated and dumped a lot of hotties, got into the routine of cooking like a chef and running/hiking on the reg. It's the year I committed to yoga and meditation. Adjusted my relationship with alcohol and strengthened my relationships with good people. I like myself more. My hair is longer. My sense of humor is as fucked up and weird as ever.

I'm not so scared, not so stupid. I'm kinder in my own head. I smile at people on the street (Today I met the owner of the bulldog I pass on the beach, her name is Katie. And gave a dude from Seattle some cafe recommendations). From this time last year: new roommate, new job, books read, music blasted, a journal committed to. A life committed to.

I stopped wanting something to save me and just sort of slowly rolled over and started doing it myself. Now I just have to keep failing upward and remember never to take any of this shit too seriously.

Begin again. And again. And again.

It's not so bad. And neither am I.

Other things:

Tomorrow is Day 1 of 22 days straight of running challenge (allowed one rest day per week). I intend to go at least 5 minutes each day on top of my normal walking and up to 35 minutes without a break.

Angus Cloud (25, Fez on Euphoria), Sinéad O'Connor (56, Irish singer/hot bald lady who tore a photo of the pope on SNL), and PeeWee Herman (70, kinda creepy as most things associated with children's television is) all died this week.

Trump has now pleaded not guilty to almost 80 charges, state and federal. No rest for the wicked!

[etourdie0]

I'm 7 months on HRT.

Currently:

200 mg of Spiro/day (started w/ 25 mg twice a day, then 50 mg twice a day at about 3 months, and 100 mg twice a day since about 5 months)

2 mg of E (pill) once per day (started with 1 mg, then 1.5 mg, now 2 mg)

Changes:

T levels, they've gone from like 580 to 450. I think I'm gonna ask about other T blockers like finasteride.

E levels, they've always been so low that all they've told me is it's less than 50. Might ask about switching to injections but I'm not sure

Skin is softer

I think my face structure has changed slightly, idk

Chest feels more full, but the measurements haven't changed

Psychologically, I've been more motivated to actually do things like cleaning my room, sometimes I can actually sit and relax without my brain going 1,000 miles a minute, I've gotten better at focusing and working things out in my head, I've generally been happier and last weekend I was reading an old web comic and actually cried for reasons other than a mental breakdown for like the first time in forever.

I've also generally been sleeping better, at least when I binge an entire webcomic and pull an all nighter to do so

Honestly I think most of the reason I've been seeing like no physical changes is cause like my E and T levels have basically not changed, so like I'm only now getting minor/early changes like the skin softening and decreased libido

Whooooo! This is a lot more than normal. If I do another of these in a year it’s not gonna be this long.

(More thoughts and a transcript below the cut.)

Keep reading

[vivainfusion]

New Weight loss options coming to Viva Infusions!

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With any weight-loss program, it will still be important to change your lifestyle and exercise, and will-power. However, the medication will make this process significantly easier! FOLLOW and LIKE us on social media to keep up to date.

https://www.instagram.com/vivainfusions/

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[ryanthedemiboy]

I posted 637 times in 2022

47 posts created (7%)

590 posts reblogged (93%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@thiefofgenders

@arctic-hands

@hellworm

@protectcosette

@queerautism

I tagged 219 of my posts in 2022

#undescribed - 82 posts

#probs undes - 33 posts

#long post - 21 posts

#happy tag - 16 posts

#art!! - 14 posts

#irl death / - 12 posts

#violence / - 12 posts

#cass don't look - 7 posts

#yep - 6 posts

#uncaptioned - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#1. i was trying to look for fic there in september bc ao3 doesn't have much from the fma 03 movie & holy hell how did we ever find anything

My Top Posts in 2022:

(I erased #5 because I erased the post)

#4

Forgetting things doesn't mean it wasn't important.

Forgetting something doesn't mean you don't care.

What you remember has nothing to do with how important it is to remember it.

20 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

#3

You can now order four free covid tests per household in the US. They won't arrive for like three weeks, but at least you'll have some.

22 notes - Posted January 18, 2022

#2

I need €150 (US$165) to have a virtual consult with the back surgeon in Spain.

If you can help me out (whether monetarily or by reblogging this), I'd really appreciate it. More info on my situation is in the tags and on my ko-fi.

ko-fi.com/ryanthedemiboy

paypal.me/ryanthedemiboy

Venmo: rmodumas

Thank you so much!

MRI and cat tax below:

See the full post

25 notes - Posted April 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

tl;dr I'm bedridden and need back surgery. I'll need at least US$6,000, but there's a good chance I'll need more — it depends on how much disability backpay I get and when I get it.

Longform explanation below. This link has an image from my MRI.

Please help me out by donating and/or reblogging. Thank you!

ko-fi.com/ryanthedemiboy

paypal.me/ryanthedemiboy

Venmo: rmodumas

Longform explanation: I've been bedridden for most of the last six years (I'm 25), and I'm stuck living with my parents because of it. I can only sit up long enough to eat.

I have a herniated disc at L4-5 and have tried cortisone injections, radiofrequency ablations, epidurals, muscle relaxants (three different kinds), physical therapy (three full rounds of 10+ weeks each), different pain medications, anti-inflammatories, supportive seat cushions, massage therapy, and chiropractic care.

I'm likely forgetting some treatments I've tried.

Anyway, only two things have helped my lower back pain besides laying down: radiofrequency ablation (burning the nerve endings off), which only worked for five months, and a heavy-duty pain killer that only dulls the pain. It doesn't make the pain go away, and if I try to do much of anything even while taking the pain meds, I end up considerably worse later that day and for the next week or so.

I can do almost nothing for myself -- I can shower sometimes, and I can toilet myself with accessibility tools. I can dress myself and microwave food. I can use my phone. I can play video games in relative moderation (only a few hours a day except on Saturdays) as long as I'm mostly laying down and completely lay down the rest of the time. That's about the extent of independent things I can do.

Going to my medical appointments is quite a struggle because I can't drive and have to rely on my grandparents or pay for a rideshare, and because of the pain.

I've talked to several surgeons, and they've agreed that a spinal fusion is unlikely to help me. Those that were familiar with lumbar disc replacements said I was a perfect candidate.

Quick rundown on lumbar disc replacements: it's the same concept as a hip replacement, except it's between two vertebrae in the spine. They take out the bad disc and replace it with metal and plastic to separate the bones, support the body, and maintain flexibility.

It's better than spinal fusion (where they fuse two or more vertebrae together), scientifically, for folks my age. There's only one problem: there are only two implants fda approved, and they both contain nickel, which I'm supremely allergic to (like, end the allergy test early allergic).

The back surgeons familiar with lumbar disc replacements recommended going to Spain or Germany for the surgery, because they both have approved implants with no nickel in them. I did the full pricing on Germany first, and including the surgery, recovery, accommodations, food, and care when I can't do it myself, the total came out to US$20,000-24,000.

I haven't heard back from any of the surgeons in Spain, and I'm not sure I will. According to my research, the cost of everything minus the surgery and hospital stay and all that in Spain should be less than in Germany, but... That's the best I've got.

Depending on how much I get for my disability backpay and how long it takes to get Pit, I may need anywhere from US$6,000-24,000. That's why my goal is US$6,000.

I'll also need a lot of rehab bc I've been unable to move much for so long, though I'll probably be getting that back here in the US. However, I get kicked off my mom's insurance in November, so I'm trying to get it done before then.

Okay, I think that covers everything. Thank you for your time.

ko-fi.com/ryanthedemiboy

paypal.me/ryanthedemiboy

Venmo: rmodumas

52 notes - Posted April 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[macgyvermedical]

Probably Bad Advice, But Good to Know if You Use Needles:

Are you someone who self-injects a medication that doesn't come in a pre-loaded syringe? A trans guy on T perhaps? Someone who uses insulin?

Let me ask you a question you probably haven't been asked before: Do you like your needle?

I have been on testoterone for 9 years now. I have used almost all the needles. I'm also a nurse, so not only have I used them on myself, but I've used them on other people. I teach a class of people how to use them at least once per month.

I have preferences.

So I want to arm you with information about the types of needles available to you and how to get them if you want something different than you currently have.

Aspects of the Needle:

Gauge: Gauge is the "thickness" of the needle. Larger numbers mean a smaller size needle. For example, a 14-gauge is horrifyingly large, while 36 is so teeny you can barely see it.

You may think you always want the smallest needle, but what you really want is the smallest needle your medication can easily pass through. I once injected penicillin G into someone with a 25 gauge and it took over a minute. Horrible experience, 0/10. Insulin is really thin, though, and can go through a 30 or 32-gauge pretty easily.

The smallest size for testosterone or other hormones packed in cottonseed oil I'd recommend would be a 25-gauge. I have had pharmacists argue with me that I couldn't possibly inject testosterone through this small of a needle. But I have never had a problem with it.

Length: The ideal length depends on where you want the medication to end up. Generally, people who self-inject are trying to get medication into either fat (subcutaneous) or muscle (intramuscular). If you're injecting into fat you typically want a shorter needle (1/2-5/8th inch).

If you're injecting into muscle, take into account how much fat you have on the part of your body you're injecting into. You need a needle that can get through that fat and also get into the middle of the muscle. Someone of average body composition needs at least a 1-inch needle to get through their fat and into their muscle. Someone with little fat might only need a 5/8th inch. Someone with a lot of fat might need up to 3 inches of needle to get to their muscle. You probably want the shortest one that will do the job.

Syringe: The syringe is the actual plastic barrel and plunger setup that attaches to the needle. A lot of times these come apart from the needle by twisting- this is usually either a proprietary twist or a more universal connection called a luer-lok. The size of the syringe is based on the volume of medication you're injecting. Most doses that are a half-milliliter or more can get away with a standard 3-mL syringe. These are super easy to find.

If you're injecting less than half a milliliter, I'd ask for a u-100 insulin syringe. They break the milliliter down into 100ths, which lets you dose with extreme precision. If you take 0.45mls, it's a LOT easier to dose this in a u-100 insulin syringe than it is a 3-mL syringe.

Safety features: I am all for safety features if I'm using needles on someone else. Safety features include plastic pieces that cover the needles, or springs that pull the needle into the syringe after the plunger has been completely depressed. They let you get the needle from the patient to the sharps bin safely without accidentally stabbing anyone.

But if you're self-injecting and like to re-use your needles (which is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you do not share), they can be a pain in the butt. A lot of time, unless you specifically only use your needles one time, you're going to want ones without the safety. You just have to remember to keep your needles in a place where no one else will come into contact with them, preferably stored in isopropyl alcohol and air dried thoroughly before use. If you use them more than about 4 times they will get dull and painful, jsyk. And you need to pay special attention to cleaning your skin and the vial top carefully with isopropyl before use- scrub for 15 seconds, then let dry for 30 before running the needle through either skin or the rubber stopper. If you don't take these precautions you run the risk of getting an abscess at your injection site.

If you have the kind of safety that flips up over the needle, you can easily remove this prior to injecting just by moving it back and forth perpendicular to the syringe. It should snap off but still allow the needle cover to be replaced (which you'll want if you store your needles because it keeps them clean and sharp). The ones that suck in the needle basically you just need to get a different one. These suck in more ways than one.

Asking for Needles:

Let's say after reading this that you want to try a new needle. I will tell you right now that your doctor clicks the first needle on the drop down list unless you specify. I swear it is not weird to be like "hey, I know you wrote for a 20-gauge last time but that's a huge needle and I'd like to try a 25 instead." They probably don't know they wrote for a 20-gauge. They probably don't know what a 20-gauge looks like. You can also say something to the effect of "the safety features keep tripping when I'm drawing up my medication, and then I can't use it. Can you order a luer-lok syringe/needle combo instead?"

Eventually, you'll find the ideal combo for you. Mine is a 25-gauge, 1-inch insulin syringe with a luer-lok coupling that I use to inject 0.45mL of testosterone. I use a 20-gauge to draw up the testosterone and can easily switch the 25-gauge onto it before injecting.

According to my doctor, these do not exist, so I generally have her prescribe whatever she feels is right but then buy my needles directly from the pharmacy. Some pharmacies need a specific prescription for the needle you want, while others are fine with selling you the needles you want as long as you have a prescription for any needles, and some will sell them to you over the counter without a prescription of any kind. Shop around for the pharmacy willing to sell you a needle. At my pharmacy they're like $0.30/each but I only use one per month-ish.