#i'm trying to tell myself not to get attached
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taroet · 19 days ago
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i always want to send memes but i never know what memes to send if we haven't plotted so i end up sending nothing
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somegrumpynerd · 1 month ago
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Okay I know I'm the most biased person about dadmare, but you can't honestly tell me that if Cross started to mention the way xgaster treated him and his brother as children - the way an adult bullied and belittled and abused them - that it wouldn't make Nightmare see red
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medicinemane · 5 months ago
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It's amazing how quickly you can make someone turn on your company by making a stupid and insulting move
Force me to go through the front door and scan my card when I have backdoor business that never needed a card before (what? ...I was going to somehow... sneak in and... purchase things with a borrowed card? ...which I totally can't do from the front door after scanning it?)
Or like... twitterify your layout right after your users give you a bunch of money just cause they like you, and then refuse to walk it back
...or all the other things companies do that just kinda piss people off and then they refuse to acknowledge maybe it sucks and is stupid cause "hey, the customers didn't leave"... yeah... yet
#legit; as small as it is it gives me a hint at the direction things will head and that costco will get more and more anti consumer#and I'm in minutes going from an 'I love costco; it's how I afford to eat; go get a cheap pizza'#to 'you know costco is kinda frustrating and annoying and I don't trust their ceo... I'm not sure if it's worth your time and money'#like look back and; tumblr search willing; you'll find posts of me singing costco's praises; literal free advertising#cause while it's not right for everyone; man is it so much cheaper than places like walmart#but... I legit don't know if I can recommend it anymore#for one thing; when I signed up I just spotted the members desk; walked in the backdoor up to the desk; and gave them money#now... what? you gotta ask permission? I feel like there's a chilling effect on wanting to join... at least for my socially anxious ass#and again; I just whiff this as like when games companies add DRM that breaks the game... for people who actually pay for it#they're making me suffer a pain in the ass for no reason cause someone might not be giving them money#and now that person never will give them money... and frankly... if they don't pay the membership but spend $500 how much did you lose?#but like I said; I feel it in the air; that costco will start doing more and more anti consumer stuff#...do I think it's a good idea to join up when they're gonna slowly start turning this corner?#I mentioned that quote by the founder about killing them if they raise the price of the hotdog#but... the fact the founder felt the need to say that to begin with told me something#kinda gotten the impression that the ceo is greedy as hell and wants to drain the consumer (so... a normal ceo)#and this just smacks of netflix/disney#oh... did you hear about disney killing someone with a food allergy despite being told about it multiple times like when the dish arrived?#and now disney is trying to forced arbitrate cause they had a disney+ trial in 2019#you hear about that one? cause that's a real news story; I'll find you an article if you don't believe it#anyway; this smacks of cracking down on password sharing to make up for hypothetical lost revenue#and let me tell you... if I could switch to pirating my groceries I would; I would download eggs#so this doesn't change costco fundamentally; but it does make it feel more hostile and like it doesn't trust me#it makes things feel more adversarial instead of like a partnership where they get me good prices on good things and I give money#and I just wouldn't be surprised if they start doing more things I don't like#things that make things worse... things like raising prices to increase their profit#...makes me want to... work on figuring out how to make everything myself since no company is trustworthy#they'll all turn on you in the end; the moment the wrong person takes charge they'll start to metastasis#towards the cancer of infinite profits#not saying don't go to costco... I'm saying don't get attached if you do; I think they're ready to do what every company does these days
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robinsnest2111 · 9 months ago
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if you show me even the tiniest scrap of respect and affection, I will get the strangest most confusing feelings for you (I want you to be my friend! my lover! my partner! my owner! my parental figure! my mentor! love me love me love me! please show me i am lovable! i will do anything! love me!) which will eventually lead me down a path of jealousy over you giving others similar attention, then intense self-flaggelation for feeling this way, and will finally result in me isolating myself for your and my own good because I cannot control my own feelings and feel bad and monstrous and inhuman about it <3
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crimeronan · 2 years ago
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there's this girl on tiktok/youtube shorts who talks about being a 'diagnosed sociopath' (which afaik isn't a thing anymore and she's too young to have been alive when it was a diagnostic thing -- i assume she just means ASPD and is using buzzword language, but it doesn't really matter either way because...... psychiatric classifications are a farce) & she'll discuss what makes her angry, how she gets revenge and/or protects people, how she forms attachments, n how she prioritizes different aspects of her life, and i keep watching some of these shorts like "this.... isn't sociopathy??? everyone with sense does this???" and then i look in the comments and everyone's going "GOD this is such good advice i wish i could do this so easily but i feel sooo bad about it 🥺🥺🥺🥺" and i'm like. huh. girl you either gotta stop being so relatable or i'll have to acknowledge a very obvious thing that i've known about myself for ages,
#the most obvious clue was ages ago when one of my friends told me it was shocking that soulmate verse adam didn't canonically have aspd#because of how On The Nose it was. and i was like oh huh i'm glad i represented that so well then! he's just me#he's just me. this is just me and how i do attachment. and non-attachment#the second most obvious clue was how relatable mór is. what do you mean people have warm feelings and aren't pissy all the time#anyway i get so irritated by the concept that empathy or instinct is what makes humans Good#cause i don't have the instinct to help people in crisis or even to offer a hand to older people who fall or whatever#but i do value people intensely and i am aware that helping is the best moral thing to do in a given situation#so i try to. i try to override the instinct to walk past strangers in need and engage with them and make their lives a little easier#and this has Probably made me more aware of my surroundings and opportunities to help than like#people who rely on empathy to tell them what's right & then turn it off whenever they see unhoused ppl or drug addicts or whatever#mmmm. jus thinking today#i can name so so so many people that i love FIERCELY but it's always been a choice to attach myself and to maintain the relationship#mostly i think the pathologization of empathy and lack of empathy is a fucking Travesty.#i am not sick. i do not need fixing. it is true that i very clearly don't feel things like most people do but good god i can LEARN#cmon. be nice. chill
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autisticlee · 2 years ago
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it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!
i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"
why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)
ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!
this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!
why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.
#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc#but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them#AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING#that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too#perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well#that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less#i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever#but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends#what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one#this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it#lee rambles#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#autistic friendship#friendship problems#loneliness#communication#cptsd#rsd#the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃
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likesummerrainn · 2 years ago
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#everything feels weird and strange and off kilter.#the grief and the emotions are coming in waves and it's getting extreme now#like i spend my day aware of everything happening around me#i spend my day trying to busy myself and do work outside of the house that matters and that needs to get done#if i can do this stuff for my grandma then i'll be fine#but the minute i'm next to her for more than five minutes it hits me#like everyone for the last three days has been telling us#'it doesn't look good. she doesn't have much time left. this is what you need to do to prepare for the end.'#and we're doing all of that#but every time i hear 'the end' or 'end of life' i just. feel like i'm choking and suffocating#like yes looking at her i know there's no other way this ends.#i know from having spent this much time around her that there's no coming back from this#but it still doesn't feel /real/#like. just in the last two days things have changed so dramatically#and so i hold her hand and i try to understand what she's saying and try to do whatever i can for her#and then i cry and cry and cry and cry. and then i get back up and go back to my life.#i try to do what i can. i weep for the impending loss of the person i love most in this world. and then i go back to my silly little things#i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to deal with this.#i've never felt like my heart was so attached and so rooted in someone else's heart like this before. and now she's about to leave us.#and i don't know what to do guys. i don't know how to process this.
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malachitezmeyka · 3 months ago
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I know it's useless to get mad at the dog, she's just a hyperactive little thing who doesn't know how to behave yet. She's left home alone for at least 6 hours every day and she's bored, I can't blame her for tearing apart her training pads or shitting all over the place. Even if I did, she must have done it hours ago, dogs don't get that actions that happened so long ago have consequences and all me yelling at her will result in is her being scared of me. I know all that, I do
So WHY am I still so angry at her?? Why does it feel satisfying to lash out and see her scurry away??? She doesn't deserve to be treated like that, she doesn't know any better. And I don't know how to teach her to know better, I don't have the patience for it. She deserves better than me
#I just feel so.. impossibly helpless#here's this tiny creature that depends on me for eveything. that I asked for. that I wanted. and I can't even take care of her properly#I struggle cleaning up after myself. let alone a dog. and I really hate having to handle her shit#I know it's a matter of time. a matter of training#eventually I'll be able to take her on walks and all this won't be an issue anymore#but it is now and I cannot control how much it's pissing me off#if I wasn't alone it would be easier. but I am. so everything falls on me#I'm trying my best and it's just not enough#and my mom will be mad at me because I didn't walk her today even though I promised I would bc it's the last warm day we're supposed to have#but what am I supposed to do if she won't let me take her outside?? she's okay with her harness but the leash scares her#she just stands there hunched over and refuses to move. and cries#I can't force her. I don't want walks to be something she's scared of#but mom is annoyed that getting her used to being leashed takes so long. she insists that forcing her outside is the best course of action#and I can't even tell if she's right or not. I just want my honeybun to be happy and not scared#I feel like crying. I've been barely holding back for the last hour#it's just so so much#it'll pass and settle. I know it will. but I'm just exhausted#now I'll have to admit to everyone that I wasn't able to walk her again...#and that I don't know what to do with her#I don't regret asking for her. I really don't. I've wanted a dog for years#but maybe the timing of exam year + beginning of the colder months wasn't the greatest#and I started my period the day she arrived. so that.. just adds to the emotional instability#I'll get over it. I'll handle everything in time. I just.. wish I had someone to support me#or at least someone who wouldn't tell me 'well what did you expect? owning a dog is hard work. you can't just play all the time.#maybe you should have thought about that responsibility more' I KNOW. I HAVE. I JUST.. have my moments of frustration#that I wish I could express without everyone. including my own mind. telling me I'm a terrible pet owner#that's all#I adore my dog and I would never hurt her or subject her to any harm#but I'm also human and very mentally ill at that. I'm not perfect but I'm not bad. and she deserves better than that#but we're stuck with each other now. I could never give her up. I'm attached already. so... we'll make it work. one way or another. I swear
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ame-to-ame · 4 months ago
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:|
#i am not gods strongest soldier#she'll talk to someone who will say stuff like you're useless to her and take it fine but. she won't even stand to be in the same room w me#what difference is it to be being in your room playing games with the same people all the time vs. like idk.#aren't you just transferring who you're dependent on. is the difference just the level of commitment. you feel like you can leave whenever#nothing's changed really somehow. you're still doing the same things you did while back then. just that you also avoid me.#and god i don't know. i tell myself I'll care less I'll get over it it is what it is and i try so hard to be busy and not think abt it#but i can't sleep w/o watching something these days or else it's on my mind and that's been shit for my sleep quality#it's the first thing that pops up in my mind when i wake up. i get distracted in class sometimes by it. it's not like i can control it#it's just like the more you try to not think abt sth the more it comes up type of deal.#and I'm trying so hard but i think this is legitimately. gonna make me spiral and I'm trying my best to have a grip and not go there#i have things I'm looking forward to and I'm supposed to b having fun but it's hard when. There's that looming in the back of your head.#ugh ok rational choice let's go. i don't try to talk to her: we don't talk. she doesn't try to talk to me. i suffer in silence.#maybe I'll get over it find something new that feels like a safehouse but that's a big if. and idk how long i can hold on for#i try to talk to her: maybe it could go well? but maybe she'll just get more avoidant#i don't really get it it's like she can respond and laugh to stuff i say when in a group setting but she gets so guarded when it's just me#like subconsciously you know I'm not a threat you can allow yourself to have fun around me.#but you're consciously putting a guard up around me and reinforcing the negative feelings when it's just me#god. i don't. but. at least it sounds like she's happy for now so. that's all i ask for. if she doesn't want to see me i don't show up#i want to see her but. i mean. There's really no compromise or middle ground here.#they say time heals everything but it's already been so long. i don't even know why I'm still attached. she's like a different person.#the person i loved appears every now and then just never in front of me and I'm trying my best but I've never been good with loss#how do you come to terms with something being dead and alive at the same time. how do you make up the mind to drive the nail in the casket.#i can't make myself put it into the dirt when i catch a glimpse of the person i once knew. that hasn't changed for anyone else. just me.#vent#delete later
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sandwrrm · 1 year ago
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ok the recruiter sent me another email and mentioned that both managers thought i interviewed well..... hopefully that's true and the process getting prolonged is just coincidence.... and hopefully nobody better than me applied lol...
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moe-broey · 5 months ago
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Like addendum but for me it's about begrudging resignation. It's about a seething silent resentment that only grows. It's about "being safe" and especially "guaranteeing safety" and hating every minute of it. It's about being surrounded by people who would be Horrified to hear that you feel Trapped, but they're the ones that feed you when you cannot feed yourself. It's about being genuinely fond of these people and being able to see their good intentions, see that they, to some degree, Do care about you. It's about feeling Trapped, all the same.
It's about contorting yourself to ensure you are Kept. Because on your own, you likely would not last long.
Actually that is another Summoner Thought I am CONSTANTLY turning around in my head. The fact that not only is the Summoner painfully isolated in a way that no one even has the context to fully comprehend, but also the feeling of being Trapped. Like yeah, Askr and the Order are nicies, Kiran is Lucky to have stumbled into their laps instead of like. Muspell, or Eitri. Or even Embla and the Curse Directive.
But that doesn't really change the fact that Kiran was still forced into their position. The threat of being in an entirely new world and not knowing where you would even begin, if you were just. Dropped into a town or something. Esp from modern era to medieval. Nothing but the clothes on your back (hell, Kiran even got New Summonery clothes, so fuck whatever was in their pockets. As if it fucking matters, whatever is in their wallet wouldn't matter here and their phone is gonna die within the day. Two days tops. Again. As if it fucking matters, it's just a camera at this point).
But they fall into the laps of The Order of Heroes, who request their aid, saying YOU'RE the only person who can Do This, we did a very specific ritual at a specific ruin to bring you here. Already, how can you say No to that? Especially when promptly it's shown you DO possess that power they seek, now. And then there's the Basic Necessities. In exchange for your help, we'll give you a roof over your head. We'll give you food and water. You'll have your own room. And we'll even see to any odds and ends, should you ask, if we're able.
Kiran is Lucky. That they have the bare minimum a person could need. That, they didn't have to figure out all that on the fly. And again, Kiran is Lucky that The Order of Heroes is comprised of a good Commander, and a Prince and Princess who are very sweets very nicies and strive to be just and fair and to Do Good. That doesn't change the fact that Kiran's "choice" to serve the Order was essentially okay gun to your head. Do you want to have dinner and sleep in a bed tonight? Or take your chances doing god knows what. God knows where. And probably end up killed, if we're being honest here. Or at least, suffering A Lot. Be it by lack of resources, most likely no outdoorsy survival skills, and then there's the bandit situation and Emblian forces constantly poking Askr's ass.
Like. Okay. Yeah. I guess I'll stay. And I better figure out how to Keep Staying Here or so help me. As if I have a fucking choice.
#WANTED. TO ADD EXTRA THOUGHTS. TO THIS. bc this is the moe blueprint really#can you tell i'm disabled and depend on family. can you tell i'm queer who had a v real fear of being thrown out before i cracked#can you tell. i've exchanged physical safety and resources for like. my sanity LMFAOOOOO and also my humanity#sad! well. many such cases.#but i do get to devote myself to my art and my fixation. my personhood is a small price to pay truly <- IT COSTS. EVERYTHING.#also always asking myself. why does safety and security never feel safe at all actually.#like i'll go blue in the face lamenting how safety shouldn't be Earned it should be a human right#systems in place aside. kempf voice In America.#why do i always feel like i have to earn it. and then the antithesis. when it's given freely.#why does that scare me even more. what fucking strings are attached. when is the other shoe gonna drop.#sometimes for real i will send myself into a panic trying to imagine a scenario where someone is offering me safety and affection freely.#every comforting word triggering a panic response.#like dude...... what is wrong with you LMFAOOOO#also. just. always turning the concept of being Protected in a way that doesn't Hurt. around in my head.#as someone. who's always been stripped of agency one way or another. for 'my own sake'.#they built me in a lab. to see how fcuked up can we make this guy. and i jusy have to act like i'm chillin about it LMFAOOO#moe tag#bc this all applies to it as well
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backinmyphase · 4 months ago
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Not fulfilling meals
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Summary: As the days go on, the Gojo estate remains cold, as you and Satoru didn't really talk to each other. Would your arranged marriage ever be bearable? Well, Gojo wants to try.
Or: Satoru Gojo doesn't even know how attached he will grow to his wife yet.
Pairing: Gojo x reader, 2980 words
Part 1 Masterlist
Author's note:
Well I guess this is my 100 followers special?? Like you guys are so sweet, how did I deserve your kind comments?? I hope you like this part too <3 (This will be a slow burn, I'm sorryyy :'), if you want to be added to the taglist, just say so it's no problem <3 your comments make my day :))
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The jujutsu world was Gojo Satoru's world.
He knew, he was the strongest. He knew, he destroyed the balance of the jujutsu world just by being born. He knew, it was expected of him to keep this power in the hands of the Gojo clan.
He knew, he should marry and get an heir. An heir, who would be even stronger than him.
But he was selfish. Wanted to live his life, without a timer that says when he should have a kid.
He wanted to have control of his life. And if that was so selfish, well then he would gladly be it.
That's what he always thought. But right now, as he didn't see you for the third day in a row, he felt guilty.
Guilty, because he didn't really dislike you. Hell, he didn't even know you. He disliked that you two had to marry. Hated, that it wasn't his choice.
The last days were colder than usual. He felt your presence in this house and that you avoided him like the plague. Everytime he sat down at the table in the living room to eat, he would hear the words you threw at him.
He should be glad. You said, you wouldn't bother him and you kept your word. You didn't even come out of your room when he was around.
So why did he hate it?
He sat at the table in the living room with his breakfast. And he waited. Waited, even though he had to do missions. Waited, even though his brain was telling him to leave.
He waited.
'SO EXCUSE ME. IF I THINK MY HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME AT ALL!'
His phone rang and a message from Suguru popped up.
"Where are you, Satoru?"
Satoru should stand up an leave. Should eat and leave. But his consciousness didn't want him to leave. His phone rang again. Should he leave or stay?
He waited.
'AND IF I DON'T WANT TO HAVE MYSELF SUFFER THROUGH IT!'
His empty plate looked at him. His own reflection raising an eyebrow at his behavior.
He stood up. Slowly he moved to your door. Looked at the closed door and wondererd if he should knock. Just ask you to eat with him.
'I DON'T WANT-'
He turned around and went to his missions, like he was supposed to. Like his senses told him.
~
Your room was so cold. Even when you hid under your supposedly warm covers, you started to shiver at the thought that you will always sleep here.
You were scared.
Gojo was longer and longer in the living room, every morning he made himself ready to leave. And today morning he was in front of your room.
You were so scared of the conflict with him.
Not that you felt guilty, you didn't feel sorry for what you said or anything like that. But the overwhelming fear that he would tell his clan members about the issues in your marriage would mean your doom.
Today was a meeting with your mother and the higher ups.
Your mother made clear that the meetings will be on a regularly basis in the letter. And she hoped that 'you could deliver good news'.
She meant deliver a kid.
No, your blanket didn't keep you warm. And it didn't protect you from all evil like your child self foolishly thought.
~
"You are late." As Satoru's best friend looked at him, he almost looked concerned.
"Sorry, slept in a bit." Satoru didn't look him in the eyes. "Where is the mission?"
Suguru inspected him a bit and then waved his hand. "Don't bother, I will do it today. You can rest today."
Satoru laughed a bit, but was confused when Suguru didn't laugh with him. "Wait, you mean that?"
"Yeah, Satoru." Suguru sighed. "You look like you need a break. And maybe," Suguru's voice grew a bit softer.
"You could talk to her about it, instead of working yourself dead."
Satoru scoffed as he looked to the side. "She doesn't want to see me. Like ever."
The following silence spoke loudly. And Satoru knew that it was his own fault.
But what was he supposed to do now? What did you want from him? How should he know, when you two didn't talk? How?
"Just go home Satoru."
~
"Don't raise your head to high. Just because you are married to Gojo, doesn't mean you will get the same treatment." Your mother pressed her lips together disapprovingly.
"Yes, mother."
She nodded and sighed as you waited for the other Clan members and higher ups to show up.
Your hands were shaking so you kept them hidden in your lap trying to gain the control other them again. But your anxiety grew by every second.
You weren't made for this pressure, this life. You weren't made for being the wife of the strongest.
You felt weak.
"They are here." A servant announced and your heart felt like it exploded.
"Good. Let them in." Your mother spoke calm and collected, like the power of the jujutsu society wasn't in her house. How did she become so untouchable?
As the door opened, you could feel the atmosphere becoming more sharp.
The higher ups were old. But that just made them more menacing for you. Those people were always just some force that would control your purpose, to you.
Now that force stood before you.
You looked down at your hands and you could feel their stares. Your hands were sweating madly as you began holding your breath.
You felt so small.
Gojo would keep his head up. He wouldn't fall into himself, he wouldn't care about their stares. Why couldn't you be like that?
Because you weren't born like him.
"Mrs. Gojo." The voice of an eldery woman. "How did you sleep tonight?"
What did they want from you? Why were you his wife, for God's sake? Why did you have to be a girl? Why, why, why?
"I slept well, thank you." You tried everything to keep your voice steady in front of them. Just try to not look so weak, okay?
"So can we asume an heir is on the way?"
"What?" Too surprised, you raised your head forgetting your mother's words.
And that made the stares just worse. The eyes were piercing you.
"You didn't sleep with him?" An old man looked disapprovingly at you. A man you didn't know.
He looked at your mother. "I thought we made it clear, that the heir was top priority!"
Your mother's eyes were boring into your head. "You did, and she knows that. I hope she knows her duties as his wife."
She didn't even talk to you. "I know." you looked down again. "We just didn't have the time to get to know each other-"
"What does that matter?" The eldery woman from the beginning sounded annoyed. "Knowing each other wasn't really your duty."
Your vision started to get blurry. Why?
"Well you at least talked about the honeymoon, right? Then you have time for your duties." You didn't know if your mother was trying to help you, or was trying to help the higher ups.
"No, we didn't really-"
"FOR GOD'S SAKE, FOR WHAT DID YOU THEN HAVE TIME?" The man was yelling now. "WE GAVE YOU FOUR DAYS! WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"
It was difficult to breathe. Your mouth was hard to open and dry. Your neck was feeling sore, because of the looking down. Your eyes were...
Why did you even show up to the meeting?
Gojo wouldn't have bowed to their will. He would stand up. But you can't.
You just can look down.
"This will be more work than we hoped." You didn't try to differentiate their voices anymore.
"You have a lot to learn about how things work here." You felt like being pushed down onto the ground.
"Mrs. Gojo."
~
Satoru was feeling sick. You were nowhere to be found and he knew nothing about anything. The Servants couldn't tell him anything either.
First he thought you just needed a bit time for yourself and went for a walk or something.
That's what he thought ten hours ago.
Before he spend the whole day with megumi and tsumiki. Before he came home at 8 pm and you were still not home.
Was this it? Did you hate him this much, you would just leave?
Maybe he really fucked up that bad.
And as he was pacing up and down in the living room, dinner still untouched on the table, he felt terrible.
He didn't feel bad, when he skipped the meetings. No, he felt bad after he saw who he was hurting.
He was an asshole.
Why did you have to remind him of that? Suguru was doing that enough already. But when you did it, it stung much more and he didn't know why.
"Mr. Gojo?"
He flinched as he heard the voice of the little girl. Another reminder of you. The servant girl who was named Hina. Which he didn't know.
"Yes?"
"The food is cold. Should we make it hot again?"
Oh. The food.
As he looked at the planned dinner he felt sorry for making her work again. And you also had to eat today.
"Wait. My wife isn't home yet, we will wait for her."
The girl blinked two times before slowly nodding. "If you wish so." With that she took the food with her to the kitchen.
Satoru didn't know what to do. You were such a mystery to him, would you really go as far as just leaving and never coming back?
He didn't know. Satoru stood there in the living room clueless. Didn't know if his wife would just run away or not. Ironic, isn't it?
Where were you? What should he do?
'SO EXCUSE ME. IF I THINK MY HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME AT ALL!'
He sat down. And he waited.
~
You were tired. So, so tired.
The meeting was long. Countless yelling and accusations at you. Tips for in bed and advice how to convince him to sleep with you.
You felt sick.
Sick, because they want to hear from you weekly, how your 'sex life' with Gojo is going. All these old people obsessed with making a new prodigy for their schemes.
"You are replaceable." They told you. "We can find a new wife to get an heir."
"So stop, resisting."
"Do it for your Clan."
These people weren't right in the head. They were truly sick.
And as all these faces left, normal breathing was allowed. Your heart was working overtime all these hours and you felt dizzy.
"Why are you still here? Go home and start fufilling your duties."
Your mother still sat next to you, angry and stone cold.
"I don't know him." your voice was shaking. "I can't-"
"I didn't know your father too." Her voice was sharp. "Still I had priorities. And those should be your Clan."
Her body seemed like a statue. Unshakable.
"Mother, I don't think he wants-"
"NONSENSE!"
Her sudden yelling made you flinch. She took a breath and then spoke in her unshakable voice again.
"He is a man. They always want. And one day he will just take."
She stood up. She didn't seem unshakable anymore. No, she was more unreachable, it wouldn't matter what you said.
"Your car is ready to leave." That were her last words before she left.
You were always left alone.
~
As you took the final steps to the Gojo estate, you felt tired like never before. Only now you realized that you haven't eaten since breakfast.
You hoped Hina didn't worry to much and they had something ready. You just wanted to eat and sleep.
'Maybe I won't sleep so badly tonight,' you thought as you rang the door bell. 'Since I can't even stand properly, from all the sitting. And I should get my own key, since'
The door in front of you swung open with force and blue eyes were locked in yours.
"Where-"
He stopped himself as he looked at you. There was something in his look that you couldn't put your finger on.
"Are you okay?"
His look was becoming unbearable for you, so you looked down.
"Yeah."
He just nodded and let you in. You hesitated before going in, not knowing what to do in his presence.
As you looked around, you noticed the empty dinner table. But what really caught your eye was that his plate was clean and not even touched.
"Hina," He remembered her name? You thought he would never... "We can eat now."
We?
"Or have you eaten already?"
You didn't dare look at him. What was all this about? Why was he even talking to you?
"No." you cleared your dry throat. "I haven't eaten already."
He hummed and ordered Hina and the other chefs to warm up dinner.
Hesitant, you sat down at the other side of the big table. Awkwardly you looked around, feeling out of place, because of the sudden attention.
"Why are you already home? You worked longer the last days. You weren't here before 11 pm." Finally you found your voice.
Gojo looked at you and firstly didn't say anything. Then he looked away and cleared his throat. "I... Just had no missions today. So I came home early."
"Oh."
Hina showed up like a savoir for this conversation and brought dinner.
But she brought for two persons.
"You haven't eaten already?" you looked down at your plate, trying to eat normally but your position was so stiff it wasn't easy.
"No, i-" he stopped in his sentence and looked down at his plate. "I wasn't really hungry till now."
You just nodded, while trying to eat as quiet as possible. The silence between you was palpable. The only sond was the slicing of the knives.
You tried to keep yourself steady. You really shouldn't eat too fast or he would think you were running. Which you technically were, but he didn't have to know it.
"Where," Gojo tried to sound casual. "Where were you?"
You stopped eating and thought about what you should say. He shouldn't know about the meetings. Shouldn't know that you were 'trained' to be his duties fulfilling wife.
"I visited my mother." Technically not a lie. "She wants to meet me regularly."
He nodded and continued eating. Looked like he was satisfied. He shouldn't think you were unfaithful or anything like that.
"Do you have a good relationship with her?"
Your eyes widened and you looked up to really look him in the eyes. Those beautiful eyes.
"Good enough." your voice was barely a whisper. But he nodded like he was listening carefully to everything you said.
"Should I come with you some time?" he leaned a bit back in his seat. "Or do you think she doesn't want to see me?"
As you thought about all the times your mother ranted about Gojo because of his irresponsibility, you couldn't help but chuckle. "I don't think so."
His position stiffed a bit. "Why do you think so?"
"She thinks you are careless." Your voice was growing cold. "Because the meetings you missed, Gojo."
"Oh. Yeah right." He looked down again and mumbled something incoherently.
You didn't ask what he said.
The silence between you came back as you finished your meal. And as you were finished, you stood up taking your now empty plate with you.
"I will bring that in the kitchen." You could finally turn away from him and his eyes. "Good night."
You didn't really expect an answer. But Gojo seemed to like to surprise you.
"Good night, sleep well. You look exhausted, try to rest now."
Your traitor of a heart started to pound louder, like you were in a bad romance novel. Your mind told it to shut up, while you walked out of the reach of his eyes and presence into the kitchen.
You walked to Hina and handed her your plate with a smile, while telling yourself to breathe normally.
"Thank you, dear, it tasted fantastic."
The girl smiled back at you. "Happy to hear that, Mrs. Gojo. We were also happy to see you two eating together."
"Oh well," you waved her statement away. "It won't happen again I think. Was just a coincidence."
The girl in front of you looked confused and shook her head. "No, Mr. Gojo specifically ordered to wait for you to eat dinner. His food was ready 2 hours ago."
You couldn't help but blink at her. He waited for you?
A tiny little hopeful thought slid into your head, speaking quietly but still steady.
Maybe-
~~
It was already later than usual as Satoru sat in the living room. His breakfast still untouched he fought with himself.
Your door was still closed.
No, one evening couldn't open a locked door so easily. And as he stared at your empty seat he wondered. Why was this table even that big?
He should change that.
Did you always wait for him to leave before you ate?
Weren't you hungry?
'I DON'T WANT TO HAVE MYSELF SUFFER THROUGH IT!'
His phone rang as a new message popped up. It was from Suguru.
'Are you still home, Satoru?'
He stood up. This was dumb. He was acting dumb.
He knocked at your door. "Are you coming for breakfast?"
~
Maybe Satoru wasn't all bad.
Taglist:
@zoeyflower @bubera974 @ssetsuka @lady-of-blossoms @peqch-pie
@karlaolea @slut-for-fictional-men @tnt-kokoo @gojoscumslut @sillyfreakfanparty
@tbzzluvr
@emi311 @the-number7 @o-ikawaii @doodle-cat16 @yozora7154
@levisfavoriteteashop @roscpctals99 @starlightglimmersworld @manyuyuu
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vaguely-concerned · 2 months ago
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thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:
the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)
it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.
"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)
as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.
that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.
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baphometsss · 2 months ago
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I don't wanna sit here and act like I'm a professional or anything, because I'm not, but as someone who has had to do a lot of work to overcome trauma and reconfigure my brain more or less from the ground up, there's a lot I have to say about Solas's mental state
We know that Solas was essentially used and abused by Mythal for millennia. Even if he wasn't under a geas, he was twisted from his purpose by being made to fight, and then created the Wolf's Fang which was used to make the Titans tranquil and started the Blights. He made those choices himself, but it's important to understand that no choice is ever made in a vacuum. She took advantage of his vulnerability when he was given a body after however long as a spirit semi-existing peacefully in the Fade, and moulded him into a weapon.
He is broken, because Mythal broke him. I'm not incapable of seeing why she did what she did because like I said, no one makes choices in a vacuum and I could write about her for a long time too (in a similar way to how I have had to do myself in my own life in understanding why others abused me). He was so traumatised by everything that happened and he was trauma bonded to Mythal pretty much from the minute he gained a body. Trauma bonds are not about love. He definitely interpreted it that way, as most people do, but that's the weapon abusers use to keep the victim under their control. Abuse abuse abuse show a scrap of love and then abuse some more. If I just take it, I'll get the love/attention I need. I will earn it, because love is suffering, and I have to suffer to earn getting my basic needs met from my family/friends. Mythal, as his creator, was the one who he would've attached to in a similar way to spirit Cole/human Cole.
Trauma bonds are pathological. Mythal made him believe that if he did as she asked, and kept supporting her, then eventually he would gain her favour and they would be able to free all the elves, and he'd be able to live according to his true nature, which is one where he doesn't have to fight. (Remember his personal quest in DAI? He actually kills the rebel mages for corrupting his friend--another Wisdom spirit--into Pride.) In reality, she was just using him. She always kept the bone just out of reach for her lapdog. The line from Rook where they say (paraphrasing here) 'you know, I was actually excited about getting your approval... That's how you do it, isn't it? Keep giving little scraps of approval to keep someone loyal, and then you turn around and betray them' is so telling too.
Where--or from whom--do you think he learned to do this?
It literally reeks of a pathological trauma bond and honestly, with how isolated, 'grim and fatalistic' Solas is, it is not a surprise that he's so broken.
Solas, essentially, is little more than a lap-dog to Mythal. He followed her like a lost puppy, because especially in his early days, that's kind of what he was. You have to remember that most of the insight we get about Mythal is from Solas's perspective, and he is not a reliable person when it comes to her after so long being repeatedly terrorised and twisted and manipulated. There are several instances where he describes being betrayed by her, and mentions some of the things she did, but he never quite holds her fully accountable and ends up directing his rage elsewhere. (The parallel between Mythal/Solas and the rebel mages/Wisdom is important here.)
This awesome post by @mythalism only reinforces this. He is so messed up in that scene, he is broken, he is holding the Wolf's Fang up, trying to give it to her because it symbolises the burden he has carried for thousands of years trying to avenge her death. He never wanted the Fang, like he never wanted a body. Mythal just stands over him, fully aware of what she did to him, and only getting him to stop because Rook petitioned her successfully, and the reunion with the more benevolent Mythal within Morrigan tempered her anger. She was a goddess, with the unequal power dynamic, right to the end.
As a side note, on the potential romance element between Mythal and Solas, I read an excellent breakdown of it on Reddit a while ago about how out of character it would've been for Solas to keep something like that from a romanced Lavellan, especially in Trespasser when he comes clean about his plan/past. I can't find it now because it was pre-Veilguard release, but it made a lot of sense to me. Solas and Lavellan never have a love scene in DAI because Solas didn't want to 'lay with them under false pretences'. Lying about who you are when sleeping with someone is nonconsensual. You can't consent to sleeping with someone if you don't know their true identity, and someone who knowingly lies about who they are to get into your pants is a sexual predator. For someone who led a slave rebellion (no doubt many of them being sex slaves), and a former spirit of Wisdom, Solas would've been well aware of this. In the unsent letter from Solas to Lavellan he says he came so close to breaking and desperately wanted to stay with them as Solas, with the implication being that that is where he planned to sleep with them once he'd come clean. But because he stops, because he's still unable to forgive himself or release himself from his trauma bond with Mythal, he breaks away, and they never have sex.
Bottom line: Solas would've been honest about it. Especially that. As the Inquisitor says, he can't lie about his heart.
And it's why the Solas/Lavellan romance is so powerful because quote, 'you change everything'. Solas thought he knew what love was, that love was loyalty, devotion, worship, etc. It's not just his plans or worldview that Lavellan changes. Lavellan sees him for who he is, without the mantle of Dread Wolf, and because of that he's able to express his true nature to her, even if he's not being totally honest in Inquisition. Lavellan got much closer to the real him than most, as he says, and changed his understanding of love completely. Unfortunately, he has unfinished business, an unresolved trauma bond, and his crushing sense of duty to the past is what keeps him from taking that final step towards letting go of it entirely. Trick also says Solas doesn't think he deserves love, which tbh is kind of a hallmark trait of people who have survived abuse.
And honestly? Call me a simp but I think he really was trying to get the Inquisitor to stop him. He saw himself being unable to let go because he was so broken and burdened by his guilt, and knew he couldn't save himself--was too proud to admit that he couldn't, because how pathetic does it make him look? And how could he stop now without rendering all the damage he'd wrought pointless? Yet here was someone who had changed him right down to his core, who understood him in a way few people ever had, whom he trusted, whom he loved in a way he hadn't loved anyone else before. It took him 'centuries' to build up rapport with the members of his rebellion. The man does not know how to form attachments without trauma, and suddenly he forms a strong one with someone who loves him completely and without condition. It's a jarring change.
Lavellan says that maybe they're being prideful themselves, refusing to see their own folly. But I think in admitting that they might be wrong, that it might be wishful thinking borne from misguided love to a truly terrible person, they've rendered the point moot. It shows self-awareness, which isn't folly.
If anyone can make Solas understand true love, it's Lavellan. Lavellan loved him when he was being his true self. Lavellan loved him after his betrayal was revealed. Lavellan loved him when his guilty conscience and terrible actions almost destroyed the world. Lavellan loved him because they knew the real him, and knew that his heart and spirit were broken, and knew that their love would endure, that their love would heal him.
And that's exactly where they end up. Healing the past, soothing the Blight, and loving one another completely.
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yourlocalsmutwriter · 30 days ago
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A pound of flesh - Lewis Hamilton x reader
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You hear Lewis coming home before you can see him. Usually, he'd stick with his trusty every day Mercedes, the electric car smooth and quiet. But today, it's the Ferrari he's taken back from the airport.
"Look who's here," you tell Roscoe, who's already throttling to the door, tail wagging.
Lewis unlocks the door and goes to pet his beloved dog, barely managing to drag in his luggage. He pauses the soft scratches against fur to hug you and give you a quick kiss.
"Welcome back." You say. Usually, he'd be spending more time in Abu Dhabi for testing, but with his team change, he was free.
"Good to be here. Let me unpack this, and then we can all go out on a walk?" He replies, knowing that Roscoe would love the extra time.
"You boys can go out on your own. You know I can't say no to your fans. I think I took around a thousand pics when I had this looker all to myself." You suggest, not in the mood to be mindful of every movement you make. Especially now, when your desire to have Lewis was increased tenfold. Nobody needed to see your flushed face and slight clench of thighs after even the smallest touch. You swear your boyfriend was coated in aphrodisiacs, you could never get enough of him.
He agreed with a promise to be back as soon as possible. He attaches the leash to Roscoe, grabs the biodegradable baggies, and they're off. You are left with the remaining suitcase and bag. You decide to unpack it and sort it out, acts of service, and all that.
Lewis' luggage is neat. Is it surprising that the grid's fashion icon is not a fan of wrinkled shirts. It's all smooth sailing until you reach the smallest pocket of his backpack. There's a bottle of lube? And a fleshlight. You weigh the unfamiliar object in your hands. Was there a possibility he got it early for Secret Santa? But then why would it be open? Had he actually used it? If he had, how much? And ho7w did it look like? You certainly jumped ship fast, picturing Lewis pumping into the soft silicone toy. Did he think of you while doing it? Moan your name quietly as he filled it up with his cum? Did he use it every time, or was it a more of a last ditch effort. Lewis, spent, his hands slick with his spit and precum. His cock throbbing, but needing something more. Needing a pussy to fuck, a soft wet heat to sink in. Him lifting his hips and thrusting in earnest, needing to bottom out. Testing out the pace, seeing how certain rhythms would feel with you.
The fleshlight captures your attention so well that you don't notice the man himself walking back in your bedroom.
"Jesus fuck, please don't touch that." He pipes up, when he realizes just what you're holding. He's embarrassed. To own a fleshlight, a pocket pussy wasn't really his style. Truth is the purchase was once a necessity. A quick dip into a sex shop abroad years ago. He kept in around, because how the fuck do you even recycle this thing. And lately it's been coming in handy (and so has he).
"But I have so many questions." You say as you're still holding the toy. Usually, you'd drop it. But this was a goldmine. So you start with
"When did you get this?"
"2020." He replies.
"Okay, so at least I don't have to worry about being bad at sex." You laugh. Lewis walks over to you, arms wrapping around your waist, lips on your neck. Between kisses on your collarbone, he whispers that you're a great fuck. But he's only trying to distract you from being curious. So you don't relent.
"Why do you have it?"
"I'm an athlete in one of the most competitive and dangerous sports in the world. Almost every weekend, I'm in a car, risking my life. So yeah, hard not to get pent up. It doesn't help that I was notoriously single for some years before you came along. Can't really have a one night stand when your face is on a newsstand." He tells you.
Lewis' hands drift to your hips and move up. You hold the fleshlight away from his reach, and he retaliates by squeezing your breasts. His fingers clamp around your nipples and twist. Despite your needy moans, despite his promises to "make it worth your while," if you stop discussing his sex toy, you continue.
"Can't you just, I don't know, take a cold shower. Meditate it away or something. Do you need to get off?"
"Who do I have to blame for this, huh? Who's the one sending me nudes, videos, begging me to guide her through it, to make her cum? Who's the one that fucking jumps my bones at every break. You got me so fucking pussy drunk that I can't help it. I need to be inside of something. Otherwise I can't fucking cum." He says as his hand trails back down to your cunt. Despite the layers between you, the rough denim of your jeans and the cotton of your panties, you still feel him.
"Does it feel good? Is it like the real thing?" You ask, still managing to focus. But your concentration is broken when he says.
"When I'm away, it feels perfect. But then, I don't fucking know how you feel. I remember, but it's not the same. So I guess that will remain a mystery. Unless you want to try out a little experiment.".
You get what he means, and you're on the bed, clothes off. You're on your back, nipples hard, thighs glistening with slick and the fleshlight right on top of your aching cunt. You expect Lewis to grab a condom. Instead he simply gets the lube. You don't need it, but you're guessing the toy does. He's rubbing your clit, while touching the silicone toy at the same time. It's the faintest of caresses, a light tease if anything.
Usually, he'd not take his time, especially now, after he'd been away for so long. He wanted nothing more than to fuck you fast and hard, to make you cum. But you had a lesson to learn. Don't pry. Don't be a tease. Don't try to switch on him. Do not take his control.
It wasn't like you hadn't been bratty before. You'd be mouthy, sure. But you'd take the consequences. Whether it was spanking, too many orgasms or none at all. And now you're getting this. Being compared to a pocket pussy.
Lewis was no stranger to using toys, even with you. In fact there was nothing he loved more than pressing a vibrator against your clit as he fucks you. The buzzing between you brings you closer, making you squeeze his cock. But this, the fleshlight was different.
“Be a good girl and hold it for me, will you. Need it steady." He reminds you. Lewis watches your fingers clench around it. Yet you're shaking, practically vibrating from pleasure.
He kept up his rhythm, twin fingers trailing paths up your slit and that of the toy. There was a clear winner. Even his high grade, vegan lube was no match for your wetness. You were so eager and needy for him, beyond ready for anything he could give you. But he was a man of his word, he wanted to show you just why you were better.
He finally, finally presses a finger against you and you're a goner.
"You're fucking soaked, huh." He asks, as if it isn't obvious. Your hips are buckling against him and he has to grip them to stop you from moving. Saying something about unfair advantage, he makes you still, and fucking stops. No pleasure would come your way if you didn't play by his made up, unknown rules. With a whine, you beg for his touch. But he still doesn't use his fingers on you again.
His cock moves against your clit, rubbing it, then doing the same thing to the toy you're still holding. He spreads it open and thrusts slowly, letting the silicone envelop his shaft. It's fine. Then your turn comes. He sinks in you and it's so much better. Your little gasp at the first inch. Your warmth, the way you can't help but wrap your legs against his waist, to pull him closer to you. He takes the fleshlight and tosses it on the floor, not giving a fuck about the mess.
"Does this answer your question? About which is better." He asks and rejoices that you can only whimper and beg for more as a response. Lewis guesses that the triple header was also hard on you.
"Tell me how it feels." He continues, fully intent on milking this moment forever.
"Feels so good, God I need you like this again. Need you inside of me. Need you to fill me up, please." Lewis doesn't hesitate, gripping your hips and bringing you closer to him. His fingers move to rub your clit and that's your undoing. His comes about a minute later when you look up at him and say the magic words “Lewis, please.”. As much as he wants to lay next to you and cuddle to sleep, he's a good partner. So he takes the fleshlight that started this all and gives it a good scrub with some water and soap. Then he takes a towel to clean up his girl.
“You know, I gotta let you find my sex toys next. Let's see what happens then.” you say, and your words are somewhere between a treat and a promise.
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demonic0angel · 10 months ago
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Celestial Bodies AU (maybe part 1/?)
(Part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7.)
Superman flew through space, eying the new galaxy that he and Batman had discovered the night before.
“So? What does it look like?” Batman asked him through the communications.
“Well…” Superman looked around. “It’s definitely weird. It has an enormous cluster of stars, but I’m not feeling stronger…”
“What? Are you saying that the radiation isn't working?"
"The stars here are all white stars or above, but they don't make me feel stronger. Actually... I think I'm feeling weaker too. Something is definitely wrong here."
Batman was quiet for only a moment before he asked, "Are you in any current danger? Can you defend yourself?"
"No, I'm fine. I don't sense any living beings around me. I can defend myself." Superman understood what Batman was trying to say. "Are you asking me to stay and continue observing?"
"If you can."
"Of course. I'll stay and continue investigating."
"Thank you," Batman said softly and Superman smiled at that.
"Don't sweat it! Let me get the receiver."
Superman pulled out the device that allowed him to connect to radio signals from space, and began turning it on. However, the moment it turned to life, the radio began to malfunction, short circuiting and turning into static as it shook itself. Superman nearly tossed it away before suddenly, it was normal again.
And then, the signal began to pick up.
And it began to sing.
Superman stared wide eyed as a symphony of music and singing came through the radio. It was a little choir of humming and barely audible voices, sounding as though they were underwater. Still, it was undeniably beautiful, like something heard from heaven.
"Batman," Superman said, hushed, "are you hearing this?"
"... yes."
"It's amazing! Are these stars making these sounds?" Superman continued flying, observing the blue and yellow stars, each radiating a heat that could not power him. He continued flying, listening to the ethereal song that called for listeners.
He hadn't been paying attention when he felt an ever sensed blistering heat and a force beginning to drag him forward. He turned his head and his eyes widened again before he cursed and flew a little distance away.
"Superman? What is it?"
"Batman, turn on your visuals," he said as he turned on the camera.
There was silence before Superman heard the barely audible click and then a buzz of a camera. The camera was attached to Superman and it would send the views back to Batman, allowing him to see just what Superman was freaking out over. When it turned on, Batman was silent for a moment, clearly as confused as Superman was feeling.
"... tell me what I'm seeing."
"A quasar, a protostar that is possibly becoming a blue star, a neutron star, and a black hole all coexisting right next to each other. As well as several planets all circling them like stars."
Superman watched the scene with a sense of both interest, awe, and horrified confusion.
The scene in front of him just wasn't possible. Not only would a black hole consume everything around it, there was already a quasar nearby doing the same thing with an even stronger force. However, the protostar and neutron star were fine even though they were so close, along with the few planets. The planetary nebula around the neutron star circled around each celestial object in an assembly line, flowing from the neutron star to the black hole to the quasar and then to the protostar. If the nebula wasn't taken by one celestial object, it was passed onto another.
Most of the nebula seemed to be absorbed by the quasar and protostar, but the two of them seemed to coexist in peace. The neutron star continued to spin and the black hole surrendered most of the nebula to its neighbors. The planets also spun peacefully, a few even had rings that were not taken by the quasar or black hole.
It was like only foreign objects, like Superman himself, would be absorbed.
It was fascinating. Like they were alive and knew how to live with one another.
Superman explained it to Batman in detail. Batman was silent before he said, "This shouldn't be possible. How could this occur? Unless there was some sort of external force that is keeping each astronomical object to themselves and prevents them from destroying each other, there's no way this could be a natural occurrence."
"Are you suggesting that this is man-made?"
"How could it be anything but? Aren't you listening to singing right now?"
Superman raised the receiver and the singing on the other side continued without pause, a constant symphony of voices.
"... you could be right. Do you want to try and make contact?"
"Yes. Send back a signal."
Superman pressed a few buttons on the receiver to send a radio message back and in an instant, the singing died down, leaving only a faint crackling and a water-like noise.
Biting the bullet, Superman then spoke into the receiver.
"Hello. My name is Superman, and I come from the Milky Way galaxy. I am a kryptonian from the planet Earth. I wish to peacefully connect with you, whoever you are."
More crackling.
Batman cursed softly in his ear and Superman winced, already feeling that he was too impulsive. However, just as he was about to backtrack and escape from this particular galaxy, there was a whispered, shuddery, "Hello."
Superman blinked and then called out, "H-Hello!"
There was silence again, only that underwater staticky noise coming through.
"Can I take this as you accepting my peace offering?"
"... yes."
The sound that came from the receiver seemed to come from many, all joining together into one.
There was a hitched gasp and then Batman hissed, "Keep talking! Ask them questions! Ask them if they want to make contact with us or if we can form an alliance!"
Superman nodded to himself and spoke into the receiver, "Can you see me?"
"We see you."
Superman paused and then continued in stride, "I'm sorry, but I can't see you. Can you show yourself?"
"In front of you."
There was nothing but the strange collection of celestial objects. Unless there was someone inside? It could be possible, but Superman hadn't detected anyone living around him for awhile now.
"Uh, I'm sorry, but—"
"In front of you."
Batman then said through the communicator, "Superman, the neutron star!"
The neutron star in front of him then began to spin faster and faster, before lighting up into a pulsar in the very next second.
Superman was stunned at the sight, as the radiation emitting from the neutron star passed over him over and over and over, radiating with a cold burn that resonated through his bones and made his limbs weak. The impossibly quick change from a regular neutron star into a pulsar only made him even more frightened as the radio signals made the receiver scream.
"We are here." The crackling voices said again, all as one.
Superman flew backwards, his breath caught in his throat.
"Superman?! Why did you go backwards?" Batman demanded.
Superman flinched and then he said softly, "Sorry. Instinct."
It was true. The fear that had entered his body had made him instinctively retreat. It was even worse than looking death in the eye. It was like the feeling of knowing the End of All, of knowing that your existence would be wiped out, of knowing that resistance would be futile and that your death wouldn't even be enough to save the ones you loved.
His heart pounded as he flew a little closer, enough to feel the heat from the quasar again and almost reluctantly said into the receiver, "Are you the neutron star?"
"We are all what you see in front of you."
"'We'? Are all of you speaking to me?"
The neutron star pulsed again, spinning just a little faster like before.
"I am the King. And these are my family."
The voice than switched out, a barely noticeable change in the difference because it was all the same voices speaking as one. However, now a different voice was leading.
"Ask your questions, Son of Jor-El. What do you seek?"
Superman's eyes widened. Then after a moment of silence, he said, "I am here to explore the universe and find protection for the planet I live on. Could you help us?"
"We are but objects in the sky. We will only answer questions."
Batman interrupted. "Ask them if they can see the future and if anything will happen to Earth."
Superman explained to the collection of celestial bodies, "This is my colleague and partner, Batman. We work together for Earth's safety."
"We know. He is the best of you."
There was silence from both Superman and Batman. Superman was stunned, but he also couldn't help but smile. "Yes, that is true. Can you see the future? Can you tell us if any dangers will be coming to earth."
Another voice came to life, taking the lead in speaking. "We can. Whatever comes, you and your Justice League can handle it."
Superman could hear Batman breathe a sigh of relief. Superman felt the same and he placed a hand on his heart as he gave a sigh of relief as well. "Thank goodness." Before Batman said anything, Superman asked, "Could you tell us more about yourself? How do you have a consciousness?"
The radio crackled and popped for a little while before the first voice, the one who called themself 'King' spoke up.
"We were like you once. But then I became a legend."
"Like me?" Superman asked.
Batman then said, "Ask them if they were human."
"Were you human?"
More silence.
And then—
"Yes."
Superman's eyes widened and he couldn't help but gasp in shock, a hand flying to his mouth as he stared at the celestial bodies in front of him, all of which used to be human. These enormous objects that used to be human, now forced to succumb to emptiness and spin in space without pause.
"Are... are you okay? We have magic users in our team, maybe we can offer you help?" Superman asked.
Batman hissed in the comms, "Superman! We don't even know them!"
The receiver crackled some more and the voice changed again. The sound of them being underwater seemed louder than ever.
"We are fine, Son of Jor-El. We are happy."
The person speaking switched to someone new.
"Ask your questions and then leave." The receiver quieted again. And then they spoke, "My little sister needs her rest for her rebirth."
Superman's eyes flicked over to the protostar, which was still absorbing most of the nebula. The only thing that could have possibly been 'reborn' was the protostar, as it needed to heat itself to start the transition to become a main sequence star. Was that one the little sister?
"Just two more questions, if that's alright." He could hear Batman's deep, frustrated sigh. He probably had more questions but was frustrated by Superman's curtesy and his lack of scientific curiosity. Superman knew he was annoyed but he felt an odd camaraderie with the celestial objects. He didn't want to anger them if necessary.
"Speak."
"How old are you? And will you help us again in the future?"
The receiver crackled.
The voice changed once more. "We are all far, far, far older than you imagine. Time does not work for us like other stars."
The speaker switched again. "But in human years, we have not reached our adult ages yet."
The honest confession made Superman's eyes widen, especially as he realized what they meant.
A bunch of children had turned into stars and black holes before they were even adults?
Superman was suddenly starkly reminded of Robin, Batman's sidekick, one of the very few children that he knew in their line of business. By Batman's silence, he was probably thinking along the same lines.
"Speak your last question and leave."
"Can the Justice League depend on you for further help and assistance in the future? I would like to come back if I can."
"Our King was once a hero too. Come if you need it."
That was when the quasar sent out a flare, the gases and planetary nebula around it rubbing against each other hard enough to send sparks Superman's way. It was clearly a warning, especially as the neutron star began spinning rapidly again, radiation beginning to light the air around him in a devastating chill.
"Leave," They all chorused.
Superman immediately turned away without hesitation. "Thank you very much! I will come again!"
The receiver did not speak again. Instead, the songs restarted and the voices continued to sing a song that he could not recognize. It was ethereal, if not haunting.
Superman was smiling as he left. Batman was silent in his ear and Superman finally asked, "So? What do you think?"
"... I think we need more information."
"You're just feeling soft because they said they were heroes and were also children," Superman teased.
"How do you know they weren't lying?" Batman sounded angry.
However, Superman wasn't concerned and only laughed. "Lying? For what? They could definitely rip me apart if they wanted. They even had a baby star with them."
"Hnn." The old softie definitely suddenly had a moment of heartache from remembering the baby star.
Superman glanced behind himself, where the fascinating cluster of stars, planets, and black holes all existed in harmony together. The quasar and neutron star lit the way alongside the other stars and the tiny galaxy grew smaller and smaller as Superman flew away.
Whatever this galaxy actually was, Superman would be glad if they could find the help they needed and helped the Justice League in turn.
".... let's come back in a month," Batman said, sounding like it was pulled out from his teeth.
It was good that Batman felt the same way.
Perhaps the next time Superman came, he could chat some more with this little galaxy?
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I did so much research for this, it's crazy 😭
Dan is the black hole and Danny is the neutron star. The reason is that both of them are technically star corpses (a large or high-mass collapsed or dead star can either result in nothing, a black hole, or a neutron star) and while Dan consumes everything around him, Danny is a remnant of a star before him. The planetary nebula that came from Danny going supernova is consumed by his siblings, mostly Jazz or Dani. Dan and Danny don't fight over it bc they love their sisters.
Dani is a protostar, which is also a baby star. I hc that she used to be a star before, but she's just restarting her rebirth until she becomes a black hole or a neutron star like her siblings :3
Jazz is a quasar, which is a different type of black hole, (inspired by this post I made). She and Danny light the way for their little galaxy.
Tucker and Sam are also there, as planets! They used to be stars but they're reborn as planets this time. Tucker is a desert planet with several Saturn-like rings of metals and sand. Sam is a terrestrial planet and is capable of life. All that's on her is plants and animals tho (they haven't gotten enough time to evolve yet). The rest of the crew (Valerie, Wes, etc) are also there and are planets. They never really reach the level of stars tho.
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