#i'm too tired to tag anything else
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anyone else feeling fundamentally incapable of adjusting to society. also just discovered there's a 30 tag limit which i can't believe i've never hit before
#like it was one thing when i was in high school and college like wasn't socialized as a child due to not receiving schooling and growing up#sda blah blah whatever but like i'm almost 27 and i am barely functioning lol like i feel like i'm struggling to have a normal conversation#even more than i used to and i think my speech cadence is noticably off which i don't think it always has been#some of it is definitely from chronic exhaustion from having to get up too early and the stress of having a frequently panic inducing boss#but like. come on now. i can't even drive despite finally having a license because i'm too scared/distractible/poor reaction time#over a dozen antidepressants have not worked. adderall is not working great either#i'm SO much dumber than i used to be and it's driving me quite literally insane#i don't even think it's from getting covid in july because i was noticing it before although it definitely became way more noticeable after#i got this job. i've never been this bad at a job in my life and it's something anyone who knows me would assume i'd be good at#it's embarrassing. i cannot fucking remember anything i struggle to do the most basic of arithmetic to fill prescriptions i make the same#silly mistakes multiple times i am constantly asking stupid questions and still somehow fucking up all the time#it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago and frankly i'm shocked i haven't gotten fired i keep thinking that's going to happen#of course i wanted to quit this job four months ago but now i'm at like a sunk cost fallacy point unfortunately#this is obviously not like any kind of career position for many reasons but i don't know what else to do unless i move across the country#again. i'm not even qualified for anything besides animal related things and summer camp which are fine obviously but not great if you want#things like benefits or paid leave or not to get burned out as hell lmao#i don't even feel like i could do any customer service jobs because i literally struggle to put a coherent sentence together on the spot#everything is so slow. soooo slow i'm literally losing my mind which is catastrophic because my mind is all i've ever had going for me#and i'm having kind of a horrible existence lately which is exacerbating all my problems except the problems make it mostly impossible to d#anything to fix it. ok going out and doing some fun stuff for a day makes me feel better that's great. except then i need a day after that#to recover from doing things the previous day. so the only feasible day for doing things would be saturday. except on saturdays i'm#recovering from working. i literally only work 4 days and barely over 30 hours it's Not that crazy. i mean the boss is crazy and the job ca#also be crazy obviously but 30 hours a week is minimal compared to other work schedules i've maintained before#anyway but the most i can do after work is go to the store if i need to but i almost never have energy for anything fun#and the fucking bus doesn't run on sundays and walking miles to get literally anywhere takes a lot of energy i don't have#i'm about to move next weekend and i'm dreading it because it's going to be so much work and i'm so fucking tired#and i don't have any friends to help me with cleaning i might be able to get help moving my stuff but i'm not even confident about that#i might have to rent a uhaul but i would honestly rather pay somebody to help because i'm that scared of driving even for one 30 min trip#whatever....sorry i had to feel bad for myself in the tumblr dot edu tags again i'm not in therapy rn#(<- guy who should be in therapy)
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it's always so fun to see David Tennant playing despicable characters, i missed this
#watched the first two episodes of rivals today and i'm having a lot of fun with it#i will watch the rest over the weekend (i'm too old and tired to see the whole thing back to back and also i want to savour it a bit)#david is brilliant as always and he's the only reason why i'm watching this but i'm glad to say i'm enjoying everything else as well#i won't reblog anything spoilery until i'm finished but i will tag everything when i do
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Apparently that's called the 'irresistible force paradox'
#oc f/o#f/o art#fictional other#self shipping#self insert#oc#original character#they're patient with me#also I finally draw Hadri with a different form!#I want to do more with their shape shifting but I haven't made much that turns out well#small vent in tags upcoming if you don't want to read#Feeling bad about posting but I shouldn't just give up#In some way social media isn't for me because I take things too personally#but if I'm going to meet people I have some common ground with I don't know where else I'd look#common ground with something that means something to me#I want to meet people that don't suck to talk to#And actively have things they want to talk to me about that we're both interested in#Tired of being just ears.#I'm talking about my family here not anyone on the site btw#I just wish there were people who wanted to talk in the same way I want to talk#same level of energy I guess#Sorry to vent in silly drawings but it is what it is#Fun fact if you read this far...Hadri would like Evangelion#I don't know why that came to mind today but it makes total sense#They're a deity-like person so religion is interesting and they'd be drawn in by the drama#I honestly don't know how they'd examine media since their setting is basically medieval so Hadri's never really watched anything#Maybe a play?#I'd be nice to know what Hadri would think of things I like#But my tastes are very colorful... watched Ind/go Park for example and have it stuck in my head now#Popp/ playtime and Ind/go Park seem to both be going for fnaf Portal and I am feeling something
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i WANTED to like gentleman jack and I almost did for real but i got a little toried out and i haven't actually finished it 😅
#can anyone else relate#i'm sorry ik queer conservatives exist and its not like i dont think we should make stuff about them just bc they weren't perfect#no one is obvi#but i just got tired of it so fast#it wasn't for me#NOT tagging this for the fandom bc i dont want to get eaten alive#idk anything abt the fandom maybe they would understand#but i'm too nervous
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I felt like to play Hunger Games simulator again so here's some funny/cursed moments ft. Rain World characters
#hunger games simulator#rain world#rain world downpour#fuck tags i'm too tired to say anything else about this
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Honestly a lot of the time, it's not even about people having to agree with me, it's about needing to know that they actually heard and listened to what I had to say even if it didn't persuade them
Just... some basic indication that there's enough respect to give a shit about what I said, and also to make sure that they disagree because they actually disagree and not cause they just didn't bother listening
It's all I really ask
#I forgot what this was about part way through writing about it; but then I remembered it's about Ukraine#like I just need to know that you actually understand what's happening there and what people are going through#you want me to care about your thing? show me you have any any any grasp of what's going on in Ukraine#it's uh... it's too many friends where if I'm just honest... this is about them#people I adore but people where... I don't know if they ever even once listen to what I have to say#...though maybe it's better this way... at least if they just ignore me I can say they just don't understand what's going on#that they're just being fed lines by other people or don't care#...if... they... knew the shit Ukrainians go through and still didn't care... would be a lot harder to respect them#would take a certain level of callous to do that and... these are people I care about very much so#...but I don't know; eats at me... you know#...and even on less serious topics... boy I wish you'd ever listen to me#if it weren't for the fact you say you like me... I'd be pretty damn sure you can't fucking stand me and I do nothing but annoy you#...I don't know if you've... ever... listened to anything I've said on any subject#when you do; you usually correct me... even though; brilliant as you are... you're erm... not always right#I don't get it... I don't get you... every word I say seems to be wrong... I'm so stupid and you're so smart#and yet you get real upset when I want to die... so you must actually like me and our communication styles don't match up#thank god you never seem to read my tags... or... much of anything else I say#truthfully I'd follow you anywhere; and you can treat me any way you want#but man I don't think my thoughts or opinions matter to you even a little... I think I just exist to be your rubber duck#...that's how it feels anyway#but all that aside... just wish you'd listen to me on Ukraine cause it actually matters#this post started out about some other people too... and sure... I like them well enough; and they're maddeningly wrong#like sputnik levels or wrong#drives me nuts; like you're not stupid and you're not cruel so why do you act so stupid and cruel?... turn you brain on#but uh... I actually just don't care about them that much#where as you... I could put it into words... but I won't#it's just a shame... like forget any of the stuff about me; it's just you're so kind... wish you'd care about what's going on in Ukraine#...I gotta stop or I'll go on all night; and I'm already too tired#mm tag so i can find things later
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I just finished the netflix onmyoji show. it was so good. it was so gay. I'm very happy, I need ten thousand more
#onmyoji ramblings#i will also accept ten thousand more episodes like my fave ep 7 where they just have slumber parties#and drinks and enjoy solving mysteries through the power of friendship#have i mentioned the being gay together? because there was a lot of that#okay it wasn't explicitly gay but it's hard to see it as anything else#the fondness the devotion the sacrifice#they're in love#oops maybe i should have put this in the post instead of the tags but here we are#and i'm too tired to change it#netflix onmyoji ramblings
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Werewolf Brain: Alright, spooky season is over but now it's winter so it's too cold for Mermaid Brain and we're pretty into fantasy stuff right now so Robot brain is out and we just got wig clips so we can transfer our wolf ears from the headband that gives us a headache to the wig clips and-
Ice/Snow/Frost/Winter Sprite/Fairy/Spirit-Thing (?) (still trying to figure this out tbh) Brain: Hello!
Mermaid Brain: Hey, didn't I used to be light blue?-
Werewolf Brain: GOD DAMN IT!!!
#I'm thinking it might be a fairy because I keep getting phantom fairy wings but that could be entirely unrelated#but we shall see#(I'm sure this has nothing to do with the fact that I watched rotg 3 nights in a row)#val's random bullshit#otherkin#otherhearted#therian#not bothering to tag anything else#I'm too tired for this shit
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SHIP MEME TIME
thank you to @redcloak for making this specific version of the meme! (even if I got rid of the "no" category on mine lmao.) you can find it for yourself here.
Not pictured:
blood family bonds (since those are obvious)
Kazuma/Haifan (my OC who he met in Hong Kong as a dock worker)
Some of my Fucked UpTM ships that I won't talk about and don't perceive as true in my mental canon but do occasionally imagine
Soseki and Shamspeare being friends (or even... lovers?) in a better world (and I entirely have this incredible fic by Notebooked to blame for wanting this). in the current world i do nonetheless imagine they banged
Enoch and Tusspells being besties in a better world
maybe even Courtney/Mr. Sithe (who later dies of tuberculosis)/Meiko Asogi (Genshin's wife whom he is in a troubled and loveless marriage with)... in a better world
Speaking of better worlds, that's the only world in which I would want Jigotoba to be requited (i.e. Yujin is with both Ayame and Seishiro, doesn't abandon Susato after Ayame's death, and he and Seishiro take her to Britain together).
Anyway, sorry for this mess!
#red randomness#ace attorney#the great ace attorney#benbaro#ryulock#genklimtville#sosenaga#jigotoba#homumiko#kazufan#sithesogis#gen<-baro#susa<-hao#tobias gregson#enoch drebber#gina lestrade#mael stronghart#maria gorey#i'm too tired to tag anything else for the moment#maybe i'll come back and do so#the fact that my actual ships kinda got buried under lines of family and friendship is sorta hilarious#but hey. these games are mostly about friends and family anyway. maybe it's poetic#is this readable to anyone other than me? who knows?#the great ace attorney spoilers
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#my posts#you know how this usually goes#i make an amount of tags so that if you read this its bc you've clicked and its not bc i am just posting it like whatever lmao#... unsure if i should even post it tho but what else do i do just leave it in my brain? idk maybe its the same maybe its better#maybe its worse? .... why have i been feeling kind of like this and at this kind of intensity for like about 2 weeks or more#2 weeks is how long ive been properly aware so i think its more but like. man.#like maybe its been like a month and i just havent been keeping track of time bc january is way too long to even try lmao#. but. idk. i just wish i could be kinda.. stable. like i cant feel good lmao#like it truly doesn't matter nothing is good enough in general#what i do isnt good enough#what goes on around me doesnt help trying to ignore the constant.. dread?#and like all things considered i should be doing good currently#or at least not this bad#but here i am constantly trying to not let myself feel too bad until im alone bc man.#so... yeah it just doesnt feel like anything is truly worth it not me as a person nor the things i do nor the things i experience lmao#also lately ive been just feeling more..... disconnected to others... like i dont understand them and they dont understand me#but like.. more than usual#and i guess its me? that it's kind of a me problem#idk I'm just tired. i need to sleep. i want to let face down on some sort of big water body or do something that will make my life worse#or they i will regret lmao#i. wont do any of those#also when i mean face down in some sort of bldy of water or whatever i dont necessarily mean like die#not against it but its not the only option#just lay there and float..... also not against it#i just want something that i cant have i guess bc im not sure what it is#like i just know what i want is to not constantly feel like this but idk how lmao#... u would sleep if i can bc man also I'm so tired#.... adding tags its a bit worse than I assumed lmao im also thinking about wether i deserve stuff or not lmao#like it got windy and cooler and i was like 'a blanket by my legs would be nice' only to be like 'no you don't deserve that ' like ah yeah#its kinda worse than i thought lmao
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when ww said "this is not my life, I'm no survivor, i only happened to survive"
#he gets it he really does.#hate when ppl call me resilient or are proud of me for surviving shit. girl i did not do anything to be here now. in fact quite the contrary#i am permanently in survival mode and I'm trying so hard to turn it off. but mostly in 1 direction and not the one most ppl hope#sigh. I'm tired man 😐 i just started new mood stabilizers and I'm anxious as fuck#(well. not new. i was on them before when i was a teen. can't remember why i stopped tho)#the whole trying new pills is depressing bc well. there's p much nothing left for me to try#i had a call with her this week. i mentioned it i think. but most of it was trying to figure out if there's meds i never tried out there#the only other one we considered to maybe replace my current antidepressant is very new to the market aka she doesn't know what it does yet#so. instead of replacing. adding stabilizers and hope they don't make things even worse (but lbr they probably will)#I'm very close to giving up yet again. idk what there even is to give up on anymore. my life is nothing with a side of void#but giving up is the only thing i know how to do. I'm too anxious to do anything else. i don't know how to do anything else#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh really wanna cut rn but i already have some wounds on my hands and arms + I'm in enough pain as is so what's the use#vent#i should sleep. idk if i can. I've been trying all day and failed. I'm so tired#i wish i didn't wake up man 😐 i wish i died. tonight#suicide //#not really but implied ig#self harm mention //#ask to tag
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my dreams: *have a recurring theme of being suddenly blind and unable to navigate the world or do normal people things due to a disability that is actually observable and acknowledged by other people, leading others to be kind and helpful and give me accommodations and compassion and respect my struggles without forcing me into painful situations to try and ignore my problem*
me: that's a bit heavy-handed isn't it? can we get something with a little less symbolism?
my dreams: *change the recurring theme to be about me being physically disabled and needing a wheelchair and everyone in my dream recognizes my disability immediately and is super compassionate and supportive and helps me with everything i need and is super attentive to my needs and puts absolutely no pressure on me to hurt myself to try and appear abled and are just nice to me*
me: OH COME ON
#just rambling#my brain wants so badly for me to work through some feelings but i'm just packing those in a box and throwing it away for a while#i don't have a physical disability only an undiagnosed chronic fatigue of some kind but i really want a wheelchair sometimes#walking is so tiring#life is so hard#but i'm too ''''''normal'''''' to possibly have problems#it's not that i can't work it's that i '''''don't want to'''''#it's not that going out or interacting with people in any context is physically and mentally taxing it's that i'm '''''lazy'''''''#it's not that i need to be physically alone for most of the day to be able to relax at all it's that i '''''just don't want roommates''''''#idk if to tag this as ''actually disabled'' or anything bc like... idk? i'm ''''kind of autistic'''' but anything else is just guesses#I NEED TO FIND THE VITAMIN AND BE CURED PLEEEEEEASE (┬┬﹏┬┬)#(also i know people with physical disabilities are often told to ''just push through it and ignore the problem''#but i think it's more about the dream symbolism of me visibly being able to prove that i'm not actually faking it to be ~speshul~)
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screaming, tearing my hair out, sobbing face down on my bed
#so my ex-boyfriend left the temp housing place without cleaning up at all. The thing is we were still together when he left.#We broke up after he was gone and before I came back to the house. The sink is overflowing with dishes and he left stuff here even though he#moved over an hour away. The other person that was staying here also left all the dishes dirty. Its the temp housings community dishes so I#cant cook or eat now and I CANT DO DISHES RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I STILL ALMOST PASS OUT WHEN IM STANDING FOR TOO LONG?#which he knew about before he left the place. and so did the other person staying here because she was my cousin.#I'm disgusted by people. And I'm so hurt? We were going to stay together and he did that to me. And I know he wasnt planning on leaving me.#Because he left two items very important to him sitting on our bed.#One being his ushanka that he got while living in russia with his grandpas soviet pin still on it.#And two the blanket his children were wrapped in as babies.#He left so much stuff here when I asked him to take everything. But he made sure to take the food that was his/what he thought should be his#Im pretty sure that he took my only HDMI cord too and I dont know what else.#I still have all of his other stuff in a storage unit. I plan to give it back but unless he gives me atleast a day of notice I cant.#Im going to have to call my mom to ask her to help me clean this all up. I physically cant do it And I'm calling the housing department tmrw#I gotta tell them that they gotta make sure that people actually follow the contract because i cant fucking eat until my mom comes to help#Theres cameras in all the common areas including the kitchen that run 24/7 so why havent they done anything. The other person that lived#here already moved out and it was all recorded. I gotta put in a complaint or something. This is why I'm losing a dangerous amount of weight#because I cant eat especially since i had an abortion 2 weeks ago thats given me so many health issues#I couldnt walk or move for days without my vision going black and i had such severe pain I was in and out of the doctors office and the ER#Not to mention I couldnt breathe when I was standing/walking too. And then he just left everything for me to deal with.#and yes again WE WERE STILL TOGETHER WHEN HE LEFT#im so tired and hungry man this is fucking terrible.#tag vent#vent in tags#vent
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What if Dean's drinking and indulging and disregard for his health is actually him staking a claim on his body? It's his body so he can treat it how he wants to. It's his body so it's nobody's business but him if it has liver failure. It's his body and if Michael's going to treat it like a meat suit it's going to be the most tattered and stained suit on the rack. He's going to make Michael loathe every second he has to inhabit Dean's body. Because Michael might claim it, might wear it, but it's never going to actually be his.
#i don't know#it's after midnight and I'm tired and it just popped in my head#SPN#Dean Winchester#I'm not going to tag anything else cuz I'm too tired and let this drift freely through the Tumblr tag system and find those that vibe
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I've been blocking tags now, mostly just celebrities because everytime I scroll through the Welcome Home tags, I get bombarded with tits and ass from these bots and they always use Welcome Home tags, but they also tag celebrities, so I'm just blocking tags of celebrities, like, Taylor Swift, Kim Kardashian, Kate Middleton,etc.
Since I'm not really into celebrities, that way I don't have to see bots spam up the Welcome Home tags with naked women
I've also blocked out the tags ' succession 'since the bots tag that a lot and it's clogging up the Welcome Home tags
#try blocking the tags that you don't care about#if you see a bot#Look for the key tags they always use#so tired of seeing the bots clog up the Welcome Home tags#welcome home#also some of the bots are using the welcome home arg tags too#I'm just trying to look at welcome home fanart man#Also the mature content filter doesn't do shit because I have it turned on#And I am still seeing bots posting it up like it's the hub or something#I am concerned about minors on the welcome home tags#because even scrolling through the ' welcome home arg ' tags still has some ' hub ' bots#Is there anything else to do to avoid the bots?
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i had a panic attack
after she kissed me
it was a minute before
our auditions for the play
the play was clue
it's really important to me
she got a part
and i didn't
i still have the plushies
she gave me
a rainbow alpaca
and a small teal horse
i kept the invitation
to her birthday party
at an ice skating rink
i knew someone else there
i want to forget about her
she did worse to others
i don't really have the right
to complain
but i want to complain
i want to so badly
all of last year i wanted to scream
to should her name and cry
she outed me
she harassed me
she did so many things
but i can't say anything
because some
disgusting part of me
remembers when she was nice
when we were "friends"
and i want to say
that she treated me bad
but i know my friends
were awful to her as well
i brought all this upon myself
though no one else deserved it
i will take everything bad
so that you don't have to
#fuck#everyone told me what she did was fine that she didn't do anything#''just talk to her'' ''thats not a real kiss'' ''you were asking for it''#i want to die#vent#tw vent#idk what else to tag#i'm too tired#just#ignore this post it's fine
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