#i'm tired; i'm paranoid; i'm distressed

[lizard-official-blog]

cannot wait until a few decades from now when we look back on the current era as a period of insidious semi-mass-radicalisation of the majority of regular social media users as nasty, cynical, defeatist, paranoid, cruel, thoughtless mob members, to the extent that people forgot how to think for themselves/critically/at all (and the effects of it had profound and incredibly unnecessary echoes across the world as a whole, both socially and environmentally - we need hope, good-faith engagement and willing to believe in each other in order to fix where we are now)

i have to believe that we will get to that point where we can look back in a few decades and see all of this, and in order to do so i have to allow myself to move forward from the trauma of being so mentally maimed and brainwashed in this way myself as well (literally had anxiety attacks from it when i was in the thick of it, and it has only worsened my emotional issues) as seeing it happening around me. in a way, calling this out in this way feels like a continuation of this kind of misanthropic mind cage we're all pushed to build. but frankly i think i'm allowed the odd angry weary post on this silly little half-built blog where my pfp is of one time on the sims 3 when my horse went to watch an ocean sunset and i usually post more optimistic and lighthearted things. i think there's a difference between the self-defeating culture i'm describing and just venting occasionally about it because it is in itself traumatic to be in before getting on with the rest of my life. i have so much more to live within now. sometimes articulating this trauma in a relatively short, contained way and hoping people can see it too does help to move forward from it.

[edenesth]

[8:54 PM]

"You okay, baby?" Mingi asked softly, instinctively wrapping an arm around your shoulder as he guided you into the elevator of your apartment building just as the doors opened. You hummed, leaning into his side for comfort. "I've been better."

You had been feeling a little under the weather all day, and being the paranoid type, your boyfriend quickly picked you up from work after noticing your less enthusiastic replies during lunch break. After a visit to the nearest clinic and grabbing some food, you were finally home. All you wanted now was to clean up, crash on your bed, and bask in his embrace, forgetting everything else.

"Just hold on a bit longer. We're almost there," he reassured you, murmuring against your forehead and pressing a lingering kiss on your skin after selecting the floor of your shared home.

Fluttering your eyes shut, you melted into his hold, the familiar hum of the elevator climbing to your floor offering a moment of peace. You could already picture the sweet scene of home welcoming you both after a long, tiring day. So close. So close to being home, so close to paradise, so close—

Until it wasn't.

Your eyes flew open and a yelp escaped your lips as you felt Mingi tense, his grip tightening around you. The elevator had jerked to a sudden, unnatural stop. Eighth floor. So freaking close, just two more floors and you would have been home, but nope—

No, no, no, no, god, no.

This can't be happening. This isn't happening. You were stuck. Panic surged through you like a tidal wave, and before you knew it, you were hyperventilating. Mingi cupped your face, forcing you to meet his eyes, pressing his forehead gently against yours. "Hey, hey, hey. It's gonna be okay, I'm right here with you. Look at me, baby. Just focus on me, hm?" You nodded, tears welling up as your heart pounded in your chest. Claustrophobia clawed at you, turning this moment into your worst nightmare.

"Okay, good job. Do you remember the breathing exercises we always do?" he asked gently, his fingers caressing your cheeks and wiping away stray tears as you nodded. "Be a good girl and keep doing it for me, yeah?" You nodded again, taking deep, steady breaths as you had practised with him countless times for moments like this.

While you struggled to focus on breathing, he quickly moved to the control panel, pressing the emergency button and urgently communicating with security to send help as soon as possible. Thankfully, the handyman had already been alerted by the guards who noticed the situation through the live CCTV feed. Reassured that help was on the way, he turned back to you, his heart aching at the sight of tears once again streaming down your cheeks, your eyes squeezed shut, and your fists pressed tightly against your ears.

Seeing your distress, he stepped towards you, careful not to overwhelm you with his presence. He gently wrapped his arms around you, offering a secure but non-restrictive embrace. "I'm right here with you," he whispered, his voice a soothing balm against the rising tide of panic. "Focus on my voice, baby. Just breathe with me."

The elevator felt smaller by the second, your breaths coming out in shaky gasps despite your efforts to stay calm. Mingi's soothing voice and gentle embrace were the only tethers keeping you from spiralling completely, but the suffocating fear was relentless, gnawing at the edges of your sanity. You felt trapped in a nightmare, the walls closing in as your heart pounded wildly in your chest.

Carefully, he guided your head into the crook of his neck, his hand gently cradling the back of your head. He began stroking your hair in a calming manner, his touch gentle and rhythmic. "I'm right here, my love," he whispered, his breath warm against your ear. "I'm never leaving you. You're not alone. We're in this together."

His words wrapped around you like a comforting blanket, each a lifeline pulling you away from the edge of panic. "You're safe with me," he continued, his voice filled with love. "I won't let anything happen to you. Just keep breathing, baby. Nice and slow."

With each stroke of his hand through your hair, you felt a small measure of calm returning. His presence, solid and reassuring, became your anchor. The walls of the elevator seemed to recede slightly, the oppressive fear easing its grip on your mind. You focused on the steady rise and fall of his chest, matching your breathing to his. His calm heartbeat thrummed gently against you, a soothing rhythm that eased your frantic pulse.

Your boyfriend's whispers continued, a steady stream of loving reassurances. "I love you more than anything," he murmured. "You're so strong, and I'm so proud of you. Just focus on my voice, on my touch." He pressed soft kisses against your temple, your cheek, and your forehead, each one a tender reminder of his support.

Gradually, your breathing slowed, the frantic gasps giving way to deeper, steadier breaths. The panic that had threatened to overwhelm you began to ebb, replaced by a fragile but growing sense of calm. Mingi's arms around you felt like a shield against the world, his love a powerful force keeping the fear at bay.

"That's it," he soothed, his hand never ceasing its gentle movements through your hair. "You're doing so well. Just a little longer, and we'll be out of here. I'm right here with you, always."

With his words and touch guiding you, the nightmare began to lose its hold. You clung to the lifeline he provided. The sensation of his steady breathing, his calm heartbeat, and the soft kisses he pressed against your skin comforted you deeply, making you feel truly safe and loved in his embrace.

He had done such a good job consoling you that the next thing you knew, the elevator doors were being pried open and the guards quickly ushered you both out. Knowing better than to take the next elevator, your boyfriend guided you up two flights of stairs and finally, you were settled back home.

While he got to work putting your things aside, the sight of his sturdy back was all you could see. You walked up behind him and wrapped your arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. His actions paused, and he covered your hands with his, turning to face you over his shoulder. "What is it, baby? Are you alright?"

You nodded against his shoulder. "I will be if you stay with me forever, Song Mingi."

He turned fully to face you, his eyes softening as he cupped your face in his hands. "Forever and always," he whispered, leaning down to kiss you gently. "I'll always be here, no matter what."

Normally, you would have cringed and teased him for the cheesy words, but at that moment, surrounded by the warmth of his love and the safety of your home, your heart fluttered with a deep, undeniable happiness. You knew you could face anything as long as you had him by your side.

ATEEZ Masterlist

This is based on a dream I had of our princess comforting me in such a situation because I do have a severe case of claustrophobia and this would be an absolute nightmare to me. But y'know, if I had a Song Mingi to comfort me, maybe I wouldn't mind it as much🤧

HAHA anyway, hope y'all enjoyed this random little timestamp and as always, let me know your thoughts! <3

General ATEEZ Tag list:

@aurasblue @marievllr-abg @itsvxlentine @minghaoslatina @huachengsbestie01 |

@evidive @weedforthoughtz @minkiflwr @cheolliehugs @ho3-for-yunho |

@the-kpop-simp @itstheghostofmypast @vantediary @green-agent @skzline |

@sharksandminhos @writingwieny @heyitsmetonid @tinyteezer @hollxe1 |

@pandabur666 @vampzity @tournesol155 @lilactangerine @oddracha |

@haven-cove @idfkeddieishot @vic0921 @vnessalau @apriecotte |

@bangtannie7

All Rights Reserved © edenesth // DO NOT REPOST, TRANSLATE, PLAGIARISE OR REPURPOSE.

[thecoffinsys]

Slay the Princess is the perfect demonstration of trauma, dissociation, and systemhood.

I NEED MORE PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT THIS. And it's NOT just for the reasons you may think. Yes, it is due to the multitude of voices, but that isn't all there is to systemhood. Slay the Princess dives into almost every fundamental stage of grief, trauma, stress, and body sensations regarding traumatic events that we as a collective have ever experienced. Stay with me.

SYSTEMHOOD

Not only does Slay the Princess display systemhood through the multitude of voices, inability to come to a conclusion on outerbody decisions, and having different methods of how to survive specific situations— it also displays systemhood through loss of time, depersonalization, loss of identity and sense of self, alters having abilities over the body that others do not, looping the same trauma over and over again, and rapidly splitting due to traumatic experiences — even down to not being believed by family members when you tell them something horrible happened to you.

The entire idea of jumping from one alternative world to the next after dying or making the incorrect choice perfectly displays a repetition of the same traumatic memory over and over again, the mind trying to logistically think of what could have been done differently as a means of coping with what really happened. When you fail to save the world in one reality, your mind restarts the entire scenario again, trying to find a better option to the mistake you've already made.

The Stranger rout perfect displays depersonalization, dissociation, loss of self and identity, and confusion regarding time. The second you step down a staircase, you completely and utterly forget yourself in the mundane action. Forgetting who you are, where you are, what your purpose truly is - and sinking deep within your own mind, until suddenly you're right where you are meant to be and have no memory of how you got there. It's so perfect in how it shows the confusion and distress.

This game is about becoming. whole. Gaining. A sense. Of self. And purpose. Gaining more perspectives, more understandings of what it means to be a person. (Oh my god I'm screaming)

In The Nightmare, the voice of the Paranoid displays perfectly symptoms of not only paranoia regarding trauma, but symptoms of OCD due to trauma. He has an ability that no other alter has, which is to keep their organs running by participating in his own compulsion. Which really displays how some alters have abilities that other do not, because to be a system, you must be fragmented. Several shards of glass attempting, to the best of their ability, to be a functional mirror- but never having the exact strength. And different shards will hold different capabilities than those who are smaller, weaker, and carry smaller and/or more specific burdens. Paranoid is a very big shard, I think.

Following that — mirrors are a huge motif of the game. Not only do you continuously see them in every rout, but you end each rout by finally looking at yourself and seeing you for you. And the more perspectives you gain, the less "you" you truly feel. You become tired, withered. But it is all in the efforts to "become whole". To make this being of perception finally understand what it means to be more than just broken worlds creating branching understandings.

In A Moment of Clarity, dozens of voices begin to cloud our understanding due to the very traumatic thing we experienced in the last world. A rapid split because of trauma! We become more broken; "losing ourselves". Now there are even more conflicting thoughts, feelings, and opinions regarding how we should go about surviving- and it displays our further descent from our sense of self. Which is ironic given the name of the ending!

And finally (but most definitely not finally, I could keep going on and on but no one would want to read all of that), The Narrator never believing you when you tell him you've been here before, have experienced horrors that he could never imagine, and have been through countless nightmares. But not only does he not believe you, he will also ridicule your idea, and go on to say "you failed because you didn't listen to me" or "you damned another world because of what you did". Puts the blame on us, once again. It's the same thing a lot of systems do experience in the real world. You try to reach out, you try to explain to someone you trust that something horrible happened to you, but you're met with disbelief and shamed for your own trauma. Made to feel like the guilty one when you are in fact the victim- the survivor. That one stood out to me very personally.

. . .

I really want to go on but this is already a billion paragraphs and I worry no one will even get this far. But this game means a lot to us as a system and as someone who experiences things very similar to what is displayed in the game on a daily basis. Slay the Princess might be one of our all time favorite games as of right now, especially considering the guy who traumatized us for 200 episodes straight is the main guy voicing the entire thing- that also helps with sentiment-

Uhhhh thank you for reading if you made it this far :]

[lostreverb]

lacking trust

(ralph bohner x gn!reader) in where you try to cheer up your paranoid boyfriend with a gift...

content: angst, swearing, yelling, mentions of being naked

a/n: i have so many ideas for ralph it's insane i love this man... but anyways i was hoping the gif would show what i mean when i say he blinks and twitches lmao. and uhm the context is that reader was not around when the whole hex stuff happened

--

"ralph baby?" you enter the living room, placing your things down by the couch. "how was it? what did they ask?"

"it was just some kids... askin' about what it was like..." approaching him from behind, you massage ralph's shoulders, trying to ease the obvious distress in his expression.

"...just when i was praying for them to not ask about.. her, they did. like they read my mind or somethin...'"

your boyfriend reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash. "at least i got something outta it..." he mumbles.

"any migraines lately?"

"this morning yeah, but it's about gone now"

throwing your arms around ralph, you lean down give him an affectionate squeeze from behind before pulling away. "well, i got you a present.."

"yeah?" his head turns to follow you.

"i know you said you were missing your blu-ray collection... and so..."

"holy shit-"

once ralph sees the DVD storage case in your arms, he excitedly grabs it out of your hands and flips through it like a kid on christmas day. you haven't seen him smile like this in so long...

then he pauses.

he pauses and he looks up at you, eyes glazed with fear.

"you went back to the house." he says, voice menacingly monotone and low.

"i- i did."

"do you know what you've done?"

"ralph-"

he stands up, grabbing a spray bottle out of his pocket, dousing you in spritz' of the rose water toner you use in your skincare routine witch repellent.

"ralph what the actual fuck!?"

he mutters to himself, looking down in thought. "this won't be enough." his gaze returns to you. "did she touch you?"

"i- well-" you stammer, still disoriented by his previous actions.

"well what? what did she do?"

"we shook hands-" you admit. ralph groans loudly and holds his head like he's heard the most devastating information. frantically you try to reassure him. "ralph she's never met me before- agatha has no reason to come looking for you. wanda's gone."

"don't say- DON'T SAY THEIR FUCKING NAMES!" the veins in his face show themselves, prominent, like they're about to burst.

feeling defensive, you scoff. "this is insane ralph! this isn't normal you're being crazy!"

"do you know what it's like to have your mind mentally fucked by two exponentially more mentally fucked women?! to be forced to do awful shit, hurt people, and not be able to do anything about it? it's not good! not fucking fun! so i'm sorry if I've been just a little crazy... i'm trying to protect us"

"i understand baby but what i'm trying to say is-"

"take off your clothes" he suddenly blurts out.

"excuse me?"

"we need to burn them. make sure she didn't get any of her witch filth on you. then you should take a shower...and wash that hand real good" he blinks a few times and twitches his head, making you frown. you've noticed that it gets worse when he gets worked up and the new quirk seems to irritate him.

"i need to wash up too..." he adds eyes wandering, rubbing his neck where you were massaging him. "can never be too sure..."

when you see the expectant look on his face, you raise an eyebrow.

"right here?"

ralph twitches and stares at you blankly, grabbing a trash bag, motioning it towards you as if to say "go on".

too tired to protest you comply and undress, taking off your jacket, jeans, and top, leaving you just in your undergarments.

you wait for his next instructions but he simply continues to give you that same expectant look.

"i don't think i need to-"

"can never be too sure" he repeats.

with a sigh, you remove the two thin fabric pieces leaving your body bare in front of him. a part of you feels a bit humiliated, and you wonder if this is how similar to how he felt under wanda's hex.

"thank you." ralph exhales. "i know what i'm asking seems extreme- i know. but the last thing i would want is for you to have to go through what i did. see- look-"

ralph undresses in front of you in the same manner. it had been months since either of you had last seen each other naked, so freely like this. you take in your boyfriend's current appearance. he had grown out his hair and beard to "disguise" himself from who knows what and his toned body had now softened with some small but noticeable pudge on his stomach (likely due to a lack of having a bowflex plus his daily physical activity being reduced to pacing around the house at odd hours). not to mention the dark and deep eyebags.

he looks different and he's gotten some new... personality traits, that's for sure, but you still loved him the same.

and you knew he did too.

--

ralph holds your (non-contaminated) hand and smirks, rubbing the back with his thumb. "maybe we should shower together. y'know save water, i could make sure you get allllll the right places when you're cleanin' up"

you roll your eyes at his perverted proposal and smile.

things would get better. you were certain.

tags (ask to be added or removed anytime!): @fear-is-truth @juliamaximoff @jazz-berry @violetsghosts @quickreider @tiffysdeath @honeymoon8 @wcnderlnds @lacucarachapisser @xrag-dollx

[hectorthedoggo]

aight i really don't feel like editing today so i'm just gonna give the unedited enyu thing for y'all :)

Tw: horror imagery

The warden took a swig from their glass of water, and turned their eyes back to their work, ignoring the slightly throbbing headache. It doesn’t matter.

Last time we went to get our daily check-up, Shidou told us to sleep, as we hadn’t slept in… a day? Yeah, that was a day ago. Hm… I don’t think that’s healthy. That was, what, yesterday? Hm…

They had whittled the two days away, only going for occasional breaks; they had requested more work, so they could be kept busy.

They had tried to sleep once in that period of time, and that hadn’t ended well.

Their rest probably lasted around 10 minutes, before they were promptly woken up by a nightmare. No way we should let that happen.

Jackalope didn’t seem opposed to the idea, as it would let him have less work. It was a win-win situation, because the more work they had, the less thinking they had to do.

However, the urge for sleep was pulling on them desperately. They didn’t remember the last time they sleep.

I suppose that I must, lest I randomly pass out. Again.

They sat up from the couch, setting their clipboard next to them.

They walked robotically to the bed, sloppily getting ready for bed and tucking themself under the sheets.

They decidedly didn’t look at the mirror while doing that, of course. We’re not an idiot.

They closed their eyes, but didn’t immediately fall asleep. It was ironic that they would be so tired yet not able to go to sleep.

They attempted sleep anyway.

That was idiotic of them.

After an indeterminable amount of time, they opened their eyes in their darkened room.

A feeling they were being watched clutched at their throat. No, that’s silly. Who would do that? Besides, we locked the door. There’s nobody in here, I’m- we’re just being paranoid.

However, out of some sort of twisted curiosity, they moved their eyes away from the ceiling.. 

A large black shape was in the middle of the room, slightly swaying.

They tried to get up, but couldn’t. Their body was immobilized by something. That shape wasn’t there before, oh god-

It started to float towards them, and it felt like their point of view shifted up. It slowly inched across the ground, two hanging limbs dragging across the ground.

Those are… those are feet, right?

They looked up, and a chunk of tangled golden-brown hair came from the head of the entity. It came to their bedside, and towered over them in the bed.

A cold sweat ran down their face, and they started to shiver. What? That’s-

Mahiru giggled, and they heard it. It was real.

But, she’s not alive, there’s no way this could be real.

Her hanging body resembled that of her boyfriends; an image subconsciously gifted to them by her MV.

A pale, ghostly hand reached toward their face, brushing their cheek. It felt so, so real.

They looked around the room, trying to find any way out, and ���she’ started to hum her song. But, it was distorted, off key, and they started to try to cry.

It was a combination of fear and grief, but they couldn’t sob. They could never let it out, simply shaking and feeling the soft whisper of skin against their cheek.

Eventually, the sensation of the hand faded, and they woke with a start.

The first thing they did was scamper from under the bedsheet, as if it was the perpetrators of their distress.

They clutched their knees, and started to weakly sob. They didn’t have the energy or hydration, but they did have the raw emotion.

Oh god, and she seemed happy. That version of Mahiru was happy.

Right before she died, she was injured, and unhappy. She was faking happiness. I put her in such a state that she wanted this release. It’s my fault.

They clutched a pillow, and it simply deflated. I- I can’t do this anymore, but I can’t die.

I’m not going back to sleep. I’m not going back to sleep. I don’t want to see her again.

It’s all my fault.

It was dead quiet, excluding their own pathetic noises of fear and grief. They were so, so tired, but couldn’t go back to sleep.

They stared at some of the unfinished paperwork on the table. I’m having trouble thinking right now, but if I go back to sleep…

They let out another weak sob. I really don’t want to work… We’ve done that all day. But we should, shouldn’t we? It would take the pain away.

They kept clutching onto the pillow, but started to reassure themself of their authority, that it was all going to be okay, but it didn’t work.

The fear that Mahiru would pop up again, the monster would stare at them, remind them of their guilt. Why do I even see her as a monster? That’s horrible.

She just wanted to love people, and look at what we did to her.

The warden heard light footsteps, and hoped that whoever it was would open the door, check on them.

However, that hope was mixed with fear. But, we can’t let people see us like this. I-

They couldn’t repress their tears; not when there were so many. But, they did try to quiet them the best they could. It didn’t work; the attempt was half-hearted.

It was like a cry for help.

The footsteps stopped in front of their door.

Please. Please. But, they couldn’t directly admit it to themself.

They were relieved when they heard a knock on the door, and soon, an inquisitive head popped in. It’s Kotoko.

She’s going to see me like this. I’m not sure how to feel about this.

This is shameful. We can’t be doing this?

But, what do we have to lose? It feels like we won’t survive this any longer. We can’t.

That shut the warden up.

Will she protect me? She’s good with that, but my verdict’s ruined it all, as always.

She slowly stepped closer to them, but they didn’t protest. They were like an injured animal, though untrusting, had to rely on whoever’s around, no matter how they felt about that person.

They were somewhere else, staring at the spot where Mahiru appeared. Will she appear now? Kotoko will abandon me. Maybe she’s just here to admonish me or something.

I would deserve that. But, can the monster appear if she’s here? Am I at least slightly safer in her presence?

She approached their shaking form.

“How does this keep happening to you? Es, you should understand that you can’t keep this up.”

They shook their head, weak voice punctured by their gasping sobs, “But… Mahiru… she’ll come if I… if we try to… I can’t, I-”

The warden decided to stop their speaking before they revealed more weakness.

Kotoko stood over their curled-up, vulnerable form, eyes widened in a mix of anxiety and despair. The walls started to grow eyes, and they further curled into themself. “She, she’s, they’re all…”

Their cries came to be unapologetically louder than necessary, but she still didn’t save them.

Eventually, she overcame some of her own mental barriers, and scraped them off of their place of terror, up into her arms.

It was almost too easy, and they relaxed. She’ll protect me better than we can protect ourself.

She looked down on them. “Why did you do that?”

They passively looked at nothing, cries quieted now that they were safe. “We… we had to work.”

“That’s not helping anything, or anyone. You won’t be rational enough to decide life-changing verdicts. Idiot…”

Es looked ahead, at the eyes that watched them in the walls. 

“If we do the work, the more time we do it the better. I don’t have to feel anything when I’m working. Besides, I’m not… I’m not the one that chooses the verdicts, anyways. We-, no, I don’t matter.” Their speech and filter were slurred on their tiredness.

Sleep started to overtake them. I don’t care if this is Kotoko, I’d rather pass out here than on the floor.

She tried to lightly shake them awake, but it was futile. “Wait, the verdicts what?”

They lost consciousness, finally not worrying about working.

I guess she knows now.

I’m not sure how we’re supposed to feel about that.

-

When the warden woke up, they were, of course, back in Shidou’s room. Why do we keep ending up here? This is bothersome, and-

They tried to get up, hazily registering their surroundings, but was stopped. They scowled at the offender, Kotoko, again.

She pushed them, slightly roughly, back down. They tried to resist, but she held them still.

“Es, stop that. You’re only going to hurt yourself more.”

They kept their angry face on, but blocked the light from reaching their tired eyes. This is humiliating. Why is she treating me like a child that can’t take care of themself?

We’re perfectly fine.

Another voice, Shidou Kirisaki, chimed in from the background. His voice sounded a little choked up. “You’re really worrying us, Es. I- please stop doing this.”

Why would they be worried? “Why?”

“Why, what?” Kotoko’s stricter tone of voice.

“Why do you even care? What we do is none of your business. Again, I’m the warden, you’re the prisoners, there’s no reason for this irrational behavior.”

That left the adults in silence, and they let their pounding head adjust to the light the best it could.

They stared over at the two adults, who seemed like an unlikely duo. Didn’t they hate each other last time we checked?

Well, I suppose the verdicts might have changed things. Maybe Kotoko has lost her big ego, good.

Kotoko looked like a mess, her usual hair slightly out of place, and restraints all messed up. Shidou, despite his innocent verdict, looked even more pathetic.

His eyes were puffy from crying, something the warden hadn’t seen much of, other than that one time. Ah, those tears are for Mahiru. That’s right.

The air was thick with tension. Shidou broke the silence. “Es, we care about you.”

That is an outright lie. Does he really care about ‘me’? Or his kids. “No, you don’t. Why would you? All I do is boss you around.”

Kotoko sighed. “Es. Listen. I understand where you’re coming from; I used to be like this, but it didn’t work out for me, you should know. 

I wouldn’t want to lose you as a warden, despite- no, um, you’re an adequate warden. Your faith for your… cause, is admirable. I… I guess I don’t want to lose you.”

It must have taken a lot out of her to say that. Some of that seemed genuine, but…

The warden flicked their eyes over her vulnerable self, trying to justify her actions. Wait… The girl in her MV… Ah! I get it now. She just sees me as a weakling, a damsel in distress, out of her childish belief. That’s why she’s caring about me.

To her, we’re something to protect, out of a complex to make her feel better about herself. There’s no way she’d actually care for us. We can’t listen to her and feel vulnerable.

We were so pathetic last night. “I’m not falling for such a fragile pretense, Kotoko. You just see me like a weakling, like that girl, Keiko, was it? You’re no different than that man.”

They pointed at Shidou, who stared at them with a little heartbreak in his unc

This got straight to her heart, and she clenched her fist. “Stop that. That doesn’t matter. Caring about you aside, what about caring about your integrity as warden?”

This caught them off guard, as she brought up their own vulnerability, ignoring them. She’s bringing up the warden thing now. Are we going to survive this without having a mental breakdown?

That didn’t happen last time.

Yes, yes, we got this. Just ignore her words.

“You can’t be a good warden if you keep passing out like that. Even I slept when I was on the hunt; and I wasn’t the epitome of health. Shidou, you’re the health expert here.”

He cleared his throat. Are we just going to get scolded like this? “Alright, you’re 15, right?”

No response. Shidou continued on anyways. “I know full well you haven’t gotten nearly enough sleep in a while. Adults, yes, adults, can barely function on the amount of sleep you’ve been getting. And, you’re not even an adult.”

He shook his head, sighing. “You’ll do your work much faster on the highly recommended 8-10 hours.”

The warden detested this feeling, of being held down for something they knew full well was their fault, so they tried to avoid it. “I-”

Kotoko came to their defense, but also interrupted them, “In their defense… I don’t think their lack of sleep was fully their fault.”

Shidou turned to her, like a parent getting his authority questioned.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you were having nightmares, right?” Her tone was almost accusatory. This woman…

They stared between her and Shidou, classifying her as ‘insufferable’, the category in which Shidou and Amane already had an annual membership to.

Shidou’s anger melted, which was way worse than his previous anger. “Right… don’t you have to watch murder happen in front of your eyes? I mean, that would be nightmare material for anyone…”

The warden had no sensible defense for that, so they simply sat up while Kotoko was too off-guard to push them down and bunched themself together. “I don’t think that that’s any of your concern.”

“If that’s affecting your sleep quality, a small dose of sleep medication will really help, but… No, I suppose that the situation calls for it.”

I- no, we can’t accept anything non-essential from this man.

We’re losing ourself. We really need to get more sleep, but…

This is self-contradictory. How are we going to get out of this one?

The stress of the situation was unmanageable. But, I can’t rely on anyone. But, I’ll have to rely on someone if I can’t sleep.

Okay, but we can’t cry, too. It’s just what we have to do.

This is so stressful.

They teared up, despite their best wishes. We- I can’t do this anymore.

They started to sniffle, but couldn’t exactly stop their tears. They’re going to see us during the interrogation, and this is all they’re going to think about.

We’re so pathetic, Milgram should just replace-

No, no, what am I thinking? I- we can’t do any of that. We can’t think like that. We are no use to Milgram dead.

Surely if Milgram didn’t want us, they could just get rid of us. Like they did Mahiru’s body.

Her body was never in the garbage, so where else could she have gone.

So, Milgram must care somewhat for me. We’re useful.

No reason to be crying. We’re alright.

Shidou reached out to them, trying to pat them on the shoulder, and they slapped it, as harshly as it could. “Get away from us.”

The cycle restarted.

But, they couldn’t exactly leave. So, they simply hissed threats under their breath, to try their best to get the two interferences away from them.

They’re the causes of this inept weakness.

Kotoko sighed. “Jeez. Listen, we’re not going anywhere, and you can’t even do any lasting damage to us; calm down.” A little bit of bitterness slipped into her voice.

Shidou shook his head, trying to gently approach them, to wipe their tears. They hit him away, truly set off.

Their eyes drooped, but they forced them open. We’re in danger right now. These are murderers.

Though, they did know, deep down, we’re the only danger here, to ourself.

“Es, please, we can’t keep doing this.”

I’m the warden. We’re the warden. We’re the warden. “We’re the warden.” It was a hoarse whisper.

“Christ, they’re insane.” Kotoko looked mildly horrified. “This isn’t Es, isn’t it?”

The two adults stood on opposite sides of their bed, within hitting range, but their reactions were delayed.

The walls began to grow eyes, due to their sleep deprivation. They stared back, as if challenging the audience to question their authority.

The eyes started to close. They’re scared of me, aren’t they? They don’t like me, don’t they? 

Will they stop watching now? If they don’t like us, we’ll be rejected as well.

Are we interesting? Are we good entertainment?

That’s our purpose, as the prison warden of Milgram.

They shoved and beat down their last shards of discontentment.

a/n: they literally can’t act tough anymore they’re so sleep deprived 💀#get this kid some therapy that’s not two adults with savior complexes PLEASE-

(@kani-miso)

[finniestoncrane]

ok i am holding my own hand and laying on the floor and sobbing and crying

on god i need moood stabilisers (i have mood stabilisers) but this has been a horrid couple of days. everything is upsetting me and i can't stop focusing on it all. i've never felt more autistic, i've never felt more at odds with my brain and my ocd. i'm trying to move house, trying to talk to people, trying to keep my energy up. i am so anxious i was sick today, my poor baby fox was also sick. both of my sons are so distressed and anxious because we're moving. i also forgot that it was fox's birthday because i've been so busy.

i'm just a paranoid and nervous person in general, but this is all piling itself up on me

i appreciate all of my friends though, i appreciate your nice words, i appreciate you being there when you can ;-;

it's just absolutely no fun being stuck like this and feeling useless and shitty and sad and mentally broken and wrong and angry and tired and i just need to keep believing i have it in my to push through until the worst of it is over because otherwise i'm going to nuke this and myself

[deconstructthesoup]

I've been thinking about this lately, so, here's my Slay the Princess ships and why I ship them:

Witch x Damsel, aka Sleeping Briars: There's just something that's so compelling about the two "fairytale" vessels---aka, a witch and your classic damsel in distress---who can both lead to some of the most romantic routes in the game. The dynamic between a devious little prankster who has serious trust issues and can't let anyone get close as a result and an adorable sweetheart who trusts everyone and falls in love way too fast is really interesting to me, and I think they'd actually be pretty good influences on each other.

Adversary x Razor: Two ladies who love fighting, bloodshed, and pain in general? The potential is right there. They're different enough that there's some dimension, but they're similar enough that their dynamic would be killer. Literally.

Spectre x Stranger: Honestly, I just think that they're both very charming and would probably get along really well, but there is something to be said about them being the two Vessels you get when you don't really give the Princess a chance---either if you kill her without hesitation and get Spectre, or if you refuse to even meet her and get Stranger. They're both lonely and scattered, and maybe they'd find something in each other.

Thorn x Wild (Wounded): There's something really sweet and intimate about two people who've hurt and been hurt finding comfort in each other. Idk, I think it's nice.

Burned Grey x Drowned Grey: It's... it's right there. The duality is right there. The wedding gown and the funeral gown, the fire and the water---it's right there.

Prisoner x Skeptic: This is really the only Voice/Vessel ship I've got on my list, and it's because in my opinion, it's the most grounded. Prisoner is arguably the most human out of all of the vessels, and Skeptic's whole thing of picking things apart and looking at everything from a different angle feels like a pretty reasonable response to the insanity of the construct. Her cynicism combined with his suspicious attitude could make for a really interesting dynamic, and I think they'd balance each other out well.

Contrahero: Come on. Come on. They're perfect. The first time I saw the Stranger ending, my head was already buzzing with "they're staying in the cabin? Together? Married couple! Married couple!" thoughts. I'm far from the only person in the fandom who sees how amazing the dynamic of the intrepid knight and the goofy little jester is.

Smitten x Cold: The dynamic between the dashing romantic who lives off of passion and feeling and the tired and quiet soul who seems to have cut himself off from emotion altogether is too compelling to ignore. The tension just writes itself.

Stubborn x Opportunist: While these two seem pretty different at first glance, I think the fact that both of them are voices who don't know when to quit speaks wonders as to how they might bounce off of each other. One of them solves problems through fists and fighting and the other solves problems through words and deceit---and I think that creates a pretty interesting duo.

Huntcheat: @tai-janai got me hooked. It's actually pretty damn adorable, I dunno what else to say.

(Also, Nightmare is aromantic in pretty much every one of my AUs, and Paranoid is aroace more often than not)

[trulyyours-rune]

Hiii me again heheheg🤭

I was wondering if you could do bill with a boy best friend who’s innocent and quiet and bill flirts with him and makes dirty jokes

Or

Bill with an innocent beat friend and bill teases him about being a virgin and stuff and bill says he’ll take his virginity and just like smut

Thanksss 😬🤭

Have a good day/night

Hiii 🤭<3 I wasn't sure if I was actually gonna write one tonight since it's 2:39 in the morning, I had quite a few problems, a.k.a this guy tryna send me inappropriate pics and his friend likes me!? Two very strange and weird guys, and I got hooked to a game. Very addicting. BUT ANYWAY- I think I'll do the first one cause if you didn't know, I suck at smut.

Warnings: Dirty talk/jokes, flirting, short, language, mild blood, read what you're comfortable with, readers a virgin for once, Bill and reader are best friends.

Bill Kaulitz x Male Reader

You and Bill have been best friends for years, people say you're like a triplet. You and Bill got quite comfortable with each other, now he's out saying inappropriate jokes and comments in general with no shame.

In general twins have quite some common interests and humor, so Tom and Bill say a lot of dirty jokes whenever they feel like it. Let alone being around you. You and Bill are usually stuck together while Tom goes out clubbing and 'living the dream'.

_________

You and Bill were laying down on the white couch, reading some magazines, looking at clothes, models, etc. His legs were over top of yours, T.V playing in the background, quite some comfortable silence until Bill broke the moment. "Y'know this magazine has some revealing clothes, wonder what you look like in the-" "Bill!" You smacked him in the face with your magazine. "Ow- what!?" He complained, you just rolled your eyes. "Y/n...Y/nnnnn...Y/N!" "What." "I'm hungry." He smiled like a dork, knowing he was being annoying. "Make yourself something to eat." "Ok." Bill opened your legs, you swear your gonna hit him x10 as hard. You forced you legs closed, Bill laughing and getting up from the couch.

He stretched, he could almost touch the ceiling with those boots. You stuffed your face into the magazine, trying to hide your shamefully flustered face. Bill was in the kitchen making God knows what, you quickly got tired of your magazine and chucked it across the couch, making it land and flipped on some random page. You sat up and leaned back, full attention on the T.V.

"Gah- fuck!" You heard from the kitchen. Wondering what was going on, you sat up and made your way to the kitchen. "You good Bill?" Bill was sucking on his finger, mumbling out "Cut my self by accident." "Lemme see." You took his hand, examining the small wound on his finger, wasn't bleeding much. "Can you kiss it better?" "In your dreams." "Always dream about it." "Fucks sake Bill." You sighed, "Stay here, gonna get a band-aid." You let go of his hand and made your way to the bathroom, was just down the hall and take a left.

You opened the bathroom door, and opening a cabinet above the toilet. You examined inside of it until you finally found a band-aid. You walked out and closed the door behind you, making your way to the kitchen again to meet the damsel in distress Bill. "Do I take off my pants now?" He looked at you, you just glared back. "Noted." He looked down. You grabbed his finger and wrapped the band-aid on it. "Now can you kiss it?" "I'll cut your finger off." "Bet." "Bill no." You said sternly, he pouted.

________

I know this was short but now it's 3:21 in the morning and I'm tired, and when I'm tired I get paranoid I didn't do the request right, probably cause I'm half asleep. But goodnight babes and get good sleep unlike me <3

[huckleberrykai]

choi yeonjun ~ lost

pairing: choi yeonjun x fem!single mom!reader summary: when yeonjun finds a lost child in the park while trying to clear his head, he goes on a quest to find her mom. genre: strangers to ? , pretty soft warnings: mentions of death, child getting lost, single mom reader, stranger danger, implied stepdad!yj in the future notes: this is kinda bad, i had the idea at work and kinda regurgitated it onto the page at 4am, idk if i like it but i figured i'd post it anyway LOL word count: 1.4k you can read part 2 here: found click here for my masterlist!

yeonjun was tired. exhausted. the last thing he wanted was to go home to his dorm and be bombarded with their noise.

don't get him wrong, he loves his members, but sometimes he just needs some time out.

after his last schedule of the day, yeonjun bid farewell to his members in favour of a drive to his favourite park a little ways away. it was outside of the city, and the scenery was beautiful. just what he needed today.

it was evening, around 6pm, and so he wandered over to the empty children's playground and sat on one of the swings, taking in the fresh air and soft sounds of nature as the sky began to change colours. all of the kids had gone home already, and so he was alone with his thoughts in the silence he had craved all day.

finally some peace. alone.

or so he thought.

just as he observed the blue and pink hues of the sky wash over the trees around him, he felt something on his back. he looked around behind him and saw nothing. he figured he was just being paranoid until he turned to face forwards again and saw a little girl in front of him. he nearly jumped out of his skin at how close she was, and clutched his chest as he let out a quiet yelp.

"excuse me mister"

yeonjun tilted his head to listen. the girl in front of him couldn't have been any older than five. she had long brown pigtails and a sparkly pink tutu, very mismatched against her bright yellow rain boots yeonjun thought.

"hey there, are you okay?" he asked the small girl, planting his feet on the ground so his swing didn't move. he noticed her eyes were red and puffy, and she appeared quite distressed.

"i.. i lost my.. mommy," the young girls lip quivered. she began to cry, seemingly again judging by her previous state.

"hey.. hey hey don't cry," yeonjun stood up from his swing and crouched down to the girl's height, "i'll help you find your mommy okay? what does she look like?" he rubbed her back soothingly as she described you, a woman with h/c hair wearing a purple sweater.

he nodded as she spoke slowly through her tears. he offered his hand to her, "let's take a walk okay? i'm sure your mommy will be around here somewhere. she must be worried about you..."

the young girl nodded and went to take his hand cautiously.

"mommy says i shouldn't talk to strangers. do you promise you'll help me?"

yeonjun nodded. "i pinky promise. i can't leave you out here alone." he offered his pinky to her, with which she linked hers quickly.

"you know.. you shouldn't talk to strangers either! my name is daisy." she said, holding his hand properly as they began to walk around the playground area. "now you know my name i'm not a stranger anymore! what's your name?" she grinned up at him, still teary-eyed and a little snotty. "i'm yeonjun." he smiled softly as she looked up at him.

the pair wandered around the playground area for a while, and yeonjun wondered if daisy's mom had ended up in another part of the park looking for her. just as he was about to suggest looking elsewhere-

"junjun look!! a squirrel!!" she yelled, not quite being able to say his name.

daisy let go of his hand and began running towards the squirrel she had seen. "DAISY! daisy come back! you don't want to get even more lost!"

he caught up with her and grabbed her hand again. "don't run off okay? or else we can't find your-"

"DAISY!!! oh my gosh there you are"

yeonjun turned to see a woman who matched daisy's description running towards her. he let go of daisy's hand as he watched you scoop her up into your arms.

"MOMMY!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE LOST FOREVER!" daisy giggled as you held her tight.

"never run away like that again okay? i was scared to death!"

"mommy, mommy!! this is my new friend junjun!" daisy wriggled around in your grasp to point at yeonjun. "he was helping me find you!"

you looked up from your baby to make eye contact with the man that had been walking around with your child for the last god-knows-how-long. "i'm really sorry we couldn't find you sooner," yeonjun jumped in before you could make any assumptions. "she came to me crying and i couldn't leave her all alone." he bowed to you, being as sincere as possible.

"ah- thank you so much for looking out for her. i don't know what i'd have done if she was lost all alone. thank you, really!" you bowed back to him politely. "usually she isn't this.. talkative. she doesn't like people very much.." you trailed off.

daisy had pried herself from your grip and began to hang on to yeonjun's leg.

"i'm yeonjun by the way," he tried to step forwards, forgetting the child on his leg, to which you just laughed. a pretty laugh yeonjun thought. you stepped forwards and met him in the middle for a handshake. "Y/N."

"Y/N," he repeated. "thats a lovely name."

you, who he now knew to be Y/N, blushed a little. although yeonjun figured he must be seeing things, since the sun was setting further and it was getting darker around them, save for the street lights littered around the park. he took a mental note of how dark it was getting.

"i don't mean to seem nosy but did you drive here? or do you live nearby?" yeonjun asked. "i wouldn't want to leave you two to walk home alone in the dark." he concluded.

"we live about a 20-minute walk away, i'm sure we'll be okay! i don't want to put you to any more trouble!"

yeonjun quickly shook his head. "it would be no trouble at all! i can drive you both home if you like! i know we just met and please don't feel pressured to say yes but-" "okay." you cut off his ramble. you mulled it over a little before agreeing, but if he could take care of your daughter for almost an hour and not murder anyone, what's the harm in letting him drive you home?

yeonjun smiled, just barely showing his teeth. "okay, my car's over there." he pointed towards the entrance.

the three prepared to leave and get into yeonjun's car (with great difficulty prying daisy away from hugging his leg). you put your address into his map and sat daisy in the back seat, before plopping into the front passenger seat yourself.

"thank you so much yeonjun." you commented as he was driving you home. "it's no problem really, i wouldn't want your husband to worry." he smiled, looking in his mirror to check on daisy in the back who was sound asleep. "oh.. i'm not married," you corrected. "ah, i'm sorry for assuming!" he looked over at you for a second as he apologised, a sense of relief washing over him at the fact the pretty lady beside him wasn't married. you shook your head. "it's okay really."

before long you pointed at your house and yeonjun pulled up outside. "thank you so much for your help today. and for getting us home safely!" you bowed to him slightly, still seated next to him in the car. "is there any way i can repay you?" yeonjun shook his head. "oh don't worry about it! i'm happy to have helped you Y/N." he sent a soft smile your way.

"well.. can i take you out to dinner at least?" you asked, not wanting to seem too forward, but wanting a sliver of hope you could stay in contact with your sweet saviour. he was gorgeous after all, and your daughter loved him. he looked surprised, and you thought for a minute he was going to reject you, but then he grinned and nodded. "i'd like that a lot Y/N."

you swapped phone numbers and right as you were about to get out of the car, a sweet voice behind you chimed in. "junjun?"

daisy had woken up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "junjun can you take me to the park again tomorrow?" she asked hopefully. you were about to intervene until- "if your mommy says its okay!"

he had the day off tomorrow anyway, and spending the day with his future stepdaughter (not that he knew that yet) sounded much more fun than staying in the dorms all day.

[theanxiousghostartist]

TMAGP 19 SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

Gonna try and organize my thoughts and theories here; sorry if I ramble!

Sam/Celia Conversation:

So Celia and Sam are both looking into alchemy. Sam said that he started through the Institute, who was "...pretty deep into all this stuff." Celia, we know, was specifically looking into transference and spiritual substitution of elements (from Sam's recognizing of the symbols). This gives us more support for the 'Celia is Celia from TMA' theory (which I'm on board with). It's nice to have more evidence for that!

Also, the idea that Sam is "going to drop the Institute research???" Buddy, you might try, but I think Chester (rn I've theorized that they're Jon from TMA) has other plans for you 😭

Case:

I was surprised, at first, with the date on this (1684), since Augustus usually does the older cases, and Chester usually focuses on the Institute, however, I feel like it makes more sense with the statement's content. So it seems like Issac Newton was doing some... unethical experiments that involved creating "seeds of knowledge" that resulted in the subject being turned into a knowledgeable tree (?). First off, I love the Frankenstein vibes off this case. Second, this case sorta feels like an explanation of what happened in Episode 3 with Dr. Webber. He stumbled into the garden, ate some fruit, and began turning into a tree/plant. Newton definitely seems to be marked by the Eye, especially with his thirst of knowledge and the experiment's results being described as:

"It lay down as if to sleep whereupon it grew ever more peaceful and still. I almost believed it dead, poisoned by my companion, but then 1 saw something far more distressing. The creature was taking root. Strands of its mottled brown hair were extruding downwards between the floor, seeking the dark earth below. Then, too, its back began to sprout, radiant branches unfurling and thickening before me, reaching upwards towards the sunlight with a seemingly insatiable desire.

The dog then opened one eye and stared at me and this was the most disturbing thing of all, for that orb was also shimmering with that unnatural light, but more than that, it looked upon me and it knew me not as a beast knows its master but as one man knows another and though such a creature must by all natural law lack that essential and ephemeral anima that is required for such awful knowledge tell you here Robert, it saw me and it knew me."

The author of this letter (Robert) recommended that they use "the Protocol" against Newton. He described the Protocol at the beginning of this letter as some kind of way to destroy knowledge. My theory, at the moment, is that the Magnus Protocol stemmed from the "Protocol" discussed in this statement. It was the reason that The Magnus Institute was burned down. The archivist either got too close to the truth (like Gertrude did in TMA), and they (along with the Institute) had to go, or (more likely), the archivist figured out the truth and burned down the Institute aligning with this Protocol (basically what Gertrude was trying to do).

Alice/Sam Conversion:

Sam is finally putting everything together, yay!

I hope that he doesn't spiral like Colin and maybe can get some help from Chester?

Lena/Gwen Conversation:

Honestly, I love Lena's arc with Gwen starting at

"I don't care about you being mean to me. Stay away, please."

and now going to

"Welp, F you too. I'm tired of your crap. But also, I still care about you since I need to protect my staff, which includes you."

I can't wait to see these two interact more!

Alice/Colin conversation:

Colin feels like S2 Jon from TMA. He's very paranoid while trying to figure out the truth. Colin's goal is not to be seen. He doesn't want "him" to know what he's found out. Now, this "him" could be Newton (assuming he is living on through an experiment or by being an Avatar), Chester/Jon(?) (in the computer/technology), Augustus/Jonah (?) (in the computer/technology), Fr3D1 (the system, could be an entity or avatar), or maybe someone related to "mummy and daddy Stasi." After a quick Google search, Stasi is a nickname for the State Security Service of East Germany that existed from 1950 - 1990. Established by the USSR, the primarily worked in surveillance and espionage. I wonder if this is a reference to the Eye? Or maybe a specific Avatar?

Furthermore, in Colin's mini rant, he says,

"Not that anyone cares as long as it all balances, right? Not too much mercury or the world ends, not too much sulfur or we all go mad..."

I'm going to break this down, bit by bit, because he's got a lot of information in here.

"Not that anyone cares as long as it all balances, right?"

This seems to be referencing the property of equal exchange or the idea that no thing can come from nothing.

If you've watched/read Fullmetal Alchemist, you might be familiar with this. My mind immediately went to the scene where Edward is preforming the ritual with Alphonse to bring their mother back. The ritual failed, with Edward losing his left leg and Alphonse's body deconstructing. Edward had to sacrifice his right arm to tie Alphonse's soul to a suit of armor so he would not die.

I wonder if a sacrifice like this will be required by a character to save another or beat a foe.

"Not too much mercury or the world ends..."

This, I think, is tying alchemy to the entities, specifically here, the Extinction. Mercury, a toxic element (in its gaseous form), can cause organs to shut down and impair the nervous system and is one of the seven metals of alchemy.

"Not too much sulfur or we all go mad..."

Again, this seems to be tying alchemy to the entities. Sulfur, in alchemy, represents the evaporation, dissolution, exapnsion, and the soul, and as a chemical, is low toxicity (mainly toxic as dust) and may cause irritation or burning, but, in the human body, it is used to build DNA. At first, I thought this was being tied to the Spiral because of madness. However, this could be tied to the Web, with the idea of building DNA and expanding, like how the web works. They build the foundation of their web, and then they expand their ideas and manipulation, either by handing the job over to other entities or by settley nuding situations in order to get the desired outcomes.

My current theory is that alchemy is going to be used in the rituals for the entities and as a way to create avatars. Basically, it's will be similar to how Leitner's function in TMA.

Anyway, this was a great episode! I really want to do more research on Alchemy now, lol. Sorry for the ramble. 😅

[c0ntaminxted]

non mentally sick people won't understand why struggling people do the things that they do

I had a really distressing thought about my mom about something she did pretty recently and I don't think she'll ever have any real sympathy for me and my struggles

a couple of weeks ago she saw my scars and asked me what were they even though I already told her what they were, what my problem is, and that I wanted her help with my mental health earlier last year (2024, for those who still hasn't grasped that it's 2025. it's okay, neither have I) and yk what she told me? she told me it was stupid that I resorted to hurting myself instead of going to her. in fact, the day that she asked me again what the scars were, she yelled at me for not "communicating" with her. which is crazy, because she's proven to me my entire life that she'll never truly help me, or believe me, even if I did tell her what's wrong. she doesn't understand that I don't tell her stuff because I'm scared of her. she doesn't take criticism, and she doesn't think she's done anything bad to me in my life.

even if the issue is somewhat unrelated to her, she'd still make me feel stupid for having negative feelings about whatever it was.

she doesn't even understand why I want to go to therapy. she doesn't understand why I want to kill myself. she doesn't understand why I'm anxious, why I'm paranoid. she doesn't understand why I'm tired. she doesn't understand why I get moody. she doesn't understand shit

and she never wants to hear why I act the way that I do. so why does she think that I'll go to her for the problems that she's mainly caused?

so, anyway. tbh, even if I do go to therapy, she probably won't be happy that I'm trying to get help from somebody, because it's not her that I considered to go to first. she won't understand why I'm going, and she won't be happy that I'm going in the first place.

[schizosupport]

uhm, hello hello! i'm very awkward + nervous so please forgive if i make any mistakes or sound weird. i'm psychotic, (and i also have a special interest of psychology but that doesn't entirely matter), and i have a couple of questions.

i know that disorganized thoughts are symptoms, but to your knowledge is it common for psychotic people to have sort of like episodes where they just get.. really confused? i call it 'perma-confused' as a title because i don't know what else to call it. for me, it's hard to understand what anyone's saying to me, even if it's not big words or anything, and it takes me longer to form coherent sentences and thoughts. it's also relatively hard to carry out specific tasks i'm instructed to do when i'm like that, sometimes i just.. stop functioning and i go blank for a bit, it's really easy for me to experience disorganized speech+thoughts, and these episodes tend to last for an hour or two or more (i've had some last for a day or two).

second question: do you know anything about or have any advice for delusions that were really big and prominent but sort of.. faded to the background instead of going away? (cw for talk of a delusion here) i had a delusion a couple years ago where when i interacted with any media with zombies in it (of which, zombies and zombie viruses are an interest i've had since i was a kid, so it sucks, and completely came out of nowhere) i'd be filled with this overwhelming fear that a zombie apocalypse Would happen. i'd tend to get in a loop of refreshing my google feed for five minutes or more checking to see if any news about an outbreak showed up. it caused nightmares and horrendous panic attacks. after a Very long while-it took months-it sort of faded into.. background noise. as in it's still there, but it takes prompting to actually affect me and occasionally can be triggered easier when i'm more paranoid but otherwise is just something i have to be careful about.

Hey there! Thank you for the question!

Ok so the first question, about whether it's common to have episodes of confusion, I would say yeah, definitely! I certainly struggle with that, and I know that many others do. It's often part of the internal experience of disorganisation or a good old fashioned shutdown. For me, it often happens when I'm tired or pressured. My thoughts will get stuttery and my speech breaks down. Carrying out motion let alone simple tasks becomes increasingly difficult. I think the flavour can be different for different people and for the same people at different times. Sometimes it feels like a type of dissociation, other times it is more of a catatonia related thing (though being that catatonia is described at the behavioural level it can also come with several different internal experiences).. anyways my point being that states of confusion and difficulty parsing and producing language and thinking clearly, is very much a thing that can come with psychosis and psychotic disorders.

As for delusions that fade into the background without going away completely, that's a rather common pattern. For some people it's very much that they either are or are not delusional. But for lots of folks, delusions fade in and out of prominence. And it's not uncommon to have lowkey residual beliefs that still take up some space, but aren't a huge focus the way they were when they were a very active delusion. As for advice, I don't know what I can give, beyond to say that it's good to try not to dwell on it. It's allowed to be there, it's hard to purge it entirely, but since it's causing less active distress by itself, try not to be too distressed about its mere continued faded existence, either.

I have had delusions fading for years and some of them have all but disappeared. So it's not to say that it can never go away. But shooing them off never really worked for me. A lot of the time they seemed to stick around because they represented some feeling or stressor in my life or psyche, and they didn't go away until those circumstances changed.

Anyways, hope any of this was helpful. Have a good day!

[liliallowed]

Imagine if the player got bored or something and used Y/N as a vessel to flirt with Dust.

That would be so out of pocket.

hmmm. well that is a good idea but...

I was thinking something even more interesting.

I won't elaborate since that plotline is for my Thornbound souls fic but yeah I've had this idea before. just... with a plot twist or... two

in the meantime though enjoy this short little fic!

you were in the lion's den and one mistake could cost you your reset.

but you liked to gamble. going all in on a bet made your heart beat fast with excitement.

how good WAS your y/n impression actually? you were fairly confident you could mimick their behavior and personallity...

though... it would be even more natural to have the vessel be in full control... while you simply observed and felt things from their perspective. let them take the lead.

or maybe they would? as long as they made the same choices y/n would've made anyways, there was no distress in the soul and they'd be completely in sync and unrecognizable. but?

one missed heartbeat... a TINY BIT of indecisive behavior and they KNEW he'd pick that up on the MOMENT their soul studders.

they knew he had his senses hyperfixed on this humans pathetic mushy soul.

what did he see in them anyway?...

you sigh feeling a slight throb in you head but it disappeared the moment you open your eyes.

you can't help but notice a familiar hooded figure is watching you, his eyelights observing you silently.

🩶[close your eyes again and pretend to be sleeping so he'll go away. it's just a dream y/n you're still dreaming.]

"stop staring at me."

"... why are you still here... am I still dreaming?"

you close your eyes swiftly as you try to ignore the sound of your definitely NOT real paralysis demon strapping closer... closer...

he's right there you don't dare open your eyes you KNOW his face is only millimeters away from yours cuz you can FEEL his eyelights digging into your soul.

nope. you aren't seeing him. he's fake. you're just tired. he's not real. you just need to MOVE your hand and see if you can touch air.

... your hand... slips through the air. there's actually nothing there?

🩶[check]

you open your right eye squinting... nothing there.

you open the other one to get jumpscared by his face against.

🩶"EEP! "

[eye roll]

[stare into the void. maybe he'll go away???]

you let out a small scared squeak ducking under the comfort of your pillow... then look back.

yep. still there. still VERY MUCH THERE.

/your ears barely pick up the sound of a small chuckle./

/.../

/you're starting to see the appeal actually... this vessel is kinda adorable./

before you can make a choice however,

you find yourself glaring at the skeleton as you step out of bed, walking up to him with a stubborn face.

"why are you here?"

/huh... without input? they're pissed hehehehe./

"just checking up on you" he shrugged.

"don't you have some... demon thingy to catch or something." you mutter half heartedly.

"lost their trace. soooo knowing that freak YOU'RE the most likely person they'll cling onto"

/PFFFFT- *spits out coffee*/

/HOLY FUK... dude... dude I'm not sus. I swear./

"... I think I would KNOW if I'm possessed." you roll your eyes.

"I can tell" his grin sharpens.

"can you stop giving me vague threats!? I'm NOT GONNA... GO ON SOME DUMB... cosmic black hole time warping... WHATEVER THE HELL YOU SAID!" you glare at him.

"it's okay. take your time. either the mask slips or you're right and I'm just paranoid. the more we talk the more I'll get to... test your answers."

"you're fucking crazy."

"I know what I am."

🩶"just leave me alone... last thing I need is you telling me my choices aren't my own. FUCK off."

his sockets squint... as if he's looking for something in your stubborn face...

but... he doesn't find it.

he sighs.

"I'll look around again. DO NOT LEAVE . I WILL FIND YOU."

he warps away.

now was your chance to get out! yet... you feel inclined to stay. you don't want to leave-

stay??? why should you stay? HE KIDNAPPED YOU? why did you hang such a silly though+

*PING

a skeletal hand pulls at your soul TEARING it through the vessel.

"GOTCHA" he chuckled.

💔

GAME OVER.

[my-st0ff]

Love and Paranoia

Chapter One

Fandom: Red Dead Redemption

Pairing: Kieran Duffy x female reader

Summary: Ever since Kieran Duffy had been tied to that damn tree by your tent you've been pestered by your unavoidable guilt, were you a terrible individual for standing by and letting him be treated as he was? Or were you an idiot not seeing him for who he really is. Who the camp say he is.

Chapter Song: Paranoid Android - Radiohead (lyrics in bold)

Tossing and turning rather than getting a good healthy sleep was a common occurrence for you at bed time. Tonight was different though, you were actually very tired and more than ready to get a full night's sleep, this time your torment was not being caused by your own rushing mind but an unforgiving constant shuffling and infrequent thumping from just outside of your tent. You'd pinned it in your mind on Cain, the overly friendly dog that hung around camp, and you believed he would run off at some distraction soon enough. It was only when the thudding increased greatly that you became tense and made a swift impulsive movement up onto your feet. You grab your beaten up old long leather coat and scratched up and engraved in cattleman revolver that both were sitting right by your bedroll as they were each night. With the coat draped over your shoulders, not doing much to heat your body in just your black nightdress underneath. You push confidently out the front of the tent, gun clutched in a steel grip. A thud emits from somewhere on the left of you and whip your head around to be met with a familiar shadowy figure struggling against the tree beside your tent.

You: "god damnit O'Driscoll, what'chu doin' over there?!"

Irritated, you fly your hands around in expression when you speak. Gun still armed.

Kieran: "I- I'm sorry miss- I was just"

You : "just what?"

Your eyes slim and jaw clenched

Kieran: "I..."

His lack of explanation was enough for you to pace towards him and grab ahold of the ropes that bound him to the tree to give them a merciless tightening.

You: "not another peep, ya' here?"

His defeated eyes hit the ground and after a few steps back to your tent so does your stomach, wrapping the coat around your body and folding your arms. You say in a more tender but still blunt tone with noticeable guilt:

You: "Please could you stop the noise I'm trying to get some rest, okay?"

He nods, staring down still. You move forward on impulse for a moment but hold off your empathetic instinct and turn back towards your tent. After just one step you notice a shuffling noise from the wooded dark area ahead of you.

Kieran: "What's that?"

He whips his head back up

You: "nothin'. Your bein' paranoid"

Kieran: "I may be paranoid, but not an idiot, even the people in this camp wanna hurt me- I- I'm not really all that safe wherever I am miss"

He explains, his voice lowering to eventually almost a whisper as he speaks. You look back at him and scan his face shortly, realising he's right to think the way he does. Suddenly a massive thump and then distressed sound immediately identifiable to a horse pierces your ears followed by an incredible cloud of dust from the dirt as a large animal hurdles erratically from out of the woods to a bit before your tent and collapses. The creature does not give out on its crying. The dust and the screaming pushes your mind to a panic state and you run to the familiar horse that layed before you. Kieran, all the while, flinching and gasping at the scene. You soon enough recognise the beast to be your spotted brown dutch warmblood, Puncher. You knelt before him and searched his body for wounds, the helpless feeling growing from your searching fingertips to throughout your entire body. Seeing your big and strong companion laying on his side, kicking and squealing had you panic-stricken.

Kieran: "i-it's his ankle!"

You: "what?!"

You manage to pull your hard stare from Puncher for a moment to peer back at a worried Kieran with his head twisted around awkwardly to be able to see you and your horse both as helpless as eachother.

Kieran: "his ankles broken miss y/n!"

You whip your head back to your horse and realise he's spot on when you finally notice the dislodged look of just above his hoof to his leg.

Kieran: "l-let me out and I can help!"

You: "no way! I can't do that!"

Kieran: "please, miss, I swear on my life I won't do nothin'. I just wanna help your horse"

His more calmed tone eased you a surprising amount. You spring up from your squat and pace back into your tent, Kieran watching you intently whilst still flickering his eyes back onto Puncher on the ground. You come out a second later with your patterned/engraved-in knife and head straight for Kieran, grabbing ahold of his bounds and making short work of each rope. Kieran falls forwards upon release, letting out a few small sighs and sounds of relief whilst moving his wrists carefully to work them back into the regularity of motion.

You: "hey, help my horse O'Driscoll!"

You command, frustrated at his momentary dwelling. Kieran flinches at your raised tone before rushing to the floored beast. He kneels slowly, whispering gentle 'sshh sshh's and 'its okay boy's, leaving you in awe of how quickly he calms your horse. Not completely since he was still obviously in alot of pain but enough to allow Kieran to lay extremely gentle fingers on the injured ankle in assessment. You kneel close next to Kieran.

You: "oh, Puncher, how'd you manage to get away from your post boy?"

You speak directly to your frightened friend, petting his face and head soothingly as you maintained contact with his delicate eyes.

Kieran: "the post you always hitch him to has been loose for a while, real loose"

You: "huh?"

Kieran: "I just noticed is all. Got alot of of time to observe y'know"

You: "well... why didn't you say somethin' then?"

Kieran: "s-sorry miss"

You break eye contact with your horse and peer to Kieran to be met with a maintained concentrated glare at the ankle.

You: "are you frightened of me Kieran?"

Kieran: "huh- sorry miss?"

He looks at you

You: "your ever so nervous boy. You don't gotta be. I know I seem like I'm on a war path sometimes but, I ain't got nothin' against you... and, I do know you ain't no O'Driscoll really. I can tell"

Kieran: "I... appreciate that, miss"

You take a deep breath and bring yourself back to the situation.

You: "the hell d'you reckon happened?"

Kieran: "this sorta injury, coulda been a fall from some sorta great height or somethin'. But I'll tell you now there ain't nothin' we can do but push that ankle back into place, and it ain't gonna be pretty miss"

You: "b-but he'll be okay, no?"

Kieran: "maybe"

He sighs

You: "the hell d'you mean maybe?"

Your brows screwed together in resistance to the information you were receiving.

Kieran: "you probably won't be able to ride him again, and if he messes it up again by not being able to keep still..."

His silence communicates the horror of the situation he was trying to get across.

You: "n-no"

You felt like crying

Kieran: "ju-just hold on, he can still be okay, alright?"

Kieran places his hands around Puncher's ankle after enough examination and with one quick movement pushes the swollen ankle back into place. Puncher lets out an ear piercing squeal and you gasp, distraught seeing your boy in so much pain. His legs begin kicking outwards and Kieran grabs ahold of your shoulders to pull you back away from the horse only for you to crawl straight back to him and try to hold his quickly moving head.

You: "boy, Puncher, it's me. C'mon"

You stroke the sides of his head and gradually calm him. You hear a wobbly 'uuhh' from Kieran beside you but don't divide your attention from your horse until the footsteps he seemed to be reacting to became noticeable. You twist round to see Hosea stood with a lantern in one hand and a shotgun in the other, a fair few steps from where you and Kieran sat in the dirt.

Hosea: "what on earth is all this noise?"

Is all he exclaims in a low tone.

You: "I- it's puncher, he ripped his post out the ground and managed to break his ankle"

Hosea: "oh, y/n"

His gaze softens and he moves closer to you before finally commenting on the elephant in the room, being trembling Kieran.

Hosea: "and why the hell isn't he tied to a damn tree?"

You: "he knows about horses Hosea, he's spoken before about working in a stable. He was just helping me-"

Before you could babble further trying to defend your actions of releasing Kieran aswell as the man himself you were cut off by the dominating action of Hosea grabbing ahold of Kierans upper arm and pulling him not so gently to his feet.

You: "you won't hurt him or nothin' will ya'?"

You spring to your feet and ask in a tone that almost sounds begging.

Hosea: "I suppose I have no reason to"

His gaze changes from you to him and hardens when doing so

Hosea: "but you stay well away from this girl, you understand boy? No more sweet talkin' your way out of ropes. Or I'll be the first one to teach you a lesson"

Kieran: "yes sir, I- I weren't sweet talkin' but yes sir"

Hosea looks back at you in almost disbelief that Kieran would appose to his commands or beliefs.

You: "he weren't, Hosea, I let him out on my own accord. Swear it."

You tell him with vulnerable eye contact. You share a very quick glance with Kieran before he's hauled in the other direction by the arm to be tied elsewhere to another, more distant tree.

Upon looking back at your horse, he'd now seemed to calm quite a bit, with the occasional grunt or quickness of breath to soon be controlled again. As well as he was laying upright and not flopped onto his side as he previously appeared. Hosea soon showed beside you, kneeling and laying down his gun so he could hold his hand in a rubbing motion on your upper back whilst the other kept the lantern upright.

Hosea: "y'know horses aren't all that good at healing up broken bones y/n... You remember why?"

He asks gently

You: "cus they can't keep still"

You answer with a bitter sweet smile, remembering one of the many lessons Hosea had given you as a girl. This particular one arising upon your questioning of where Hosea's black Tennessee walker mare with the broken leg had gone.

You: "he could still be alright though- Kieran said"

Hosea: "did he now"

He asks rhetorically in an innocent enough tone.

Hosea: "well how about we give him a new hitching po-"

You: "I'm not leaving him"

Hosea laughs just a bit

Hosea: "oh I know. That's why I was about to say, how about we give Puncher a new hitching post right here. Right by your tent so you can still hear him right next to you when you go back to bed"

You: "that... that sounds lovely Hosea, thankyou"

Hosea: "the least I can do, my girl. The least I can do"

He rubs the top of your head with his palm, messing your hair in a tease before lifting himself back into a stand (grabbing his gun in the motion) and heading back toward his tent to drop his things off. The lantern no longer really needed as it was already becoming light now.

Hosea: "you go back to bed y/n, I'll fix it up"

You: "no don't be silly-"

He cuts you off

Hosea: "it won't take a minute, it's just a stick in the ground. Get some sleep y/n"

You: "well, alright then, thankyou Hosea"

Your head aches a little waking up. A stuffy feeling throughout your body but nothing you were confused by as you'd been up till daybreak again. Nothing an active, or rather distracted, mind and some fresh air wouldn't fix. After a few moments of sitting up and taking in your surroundings you were reminded of last night's quite dramatic scenario as you hear a soft grunt from Puncher beside your tent. You chuck on some general work clothes and head out your tent, heading directly to Puncher. You were overjoyed to find him still contently layed down and not attempting too much to any movement. You give a little head scratch to him with a warm smile.

You: "good boy Puncher, you keep this up and you'll be better in no time"

You greet your horse under your breath.

Hosea: "I gave him a few sleepy herbs so he wouldn't necessarily want to stretch his legs all that much"

The familiar comfort of the smell of coffee paired with Hosea's voice both drew closer from behind you. Hosea hands you a cup of coffee and takes a few sips from his own before shooting you a tired smile.

Hosea: "he's s good horse, y/n, and I reckon he might just be alright"

He gives a heavy pat to your back and then leaves you once again. This morning had you feeling today was going to be alright.

After a sit down with Puncher to drink your coffee and give him some nice scratches you headed toward the centre of the camp to grab your hunting gear and a few bags. It only took until you equipped your bow and turned your body toward the horse station that it hit you.

"shit"

You mutter. You scan the lot of horses in an attempt to find one that you were certain wouldn't need to be used by their owner at any point today (knowing this would be quite a drawn-out hunting trip and couldn't predict just how long you'd be out) but you already knew there was really no use.

"god damnit"

You exclaim and drop the bow back to the small desk in defeat. You only look back up when you hear some fuss from a corner of camp. You, unsurprisingly, find Dutch giving Kieran grief from his new post. You sigh and stride over. Knowing exactly what this is all about.

Dutch: "heard you weaseled outa' these last night O'Driscoll"

You: "no, Dutch, he didn't."

Dutch turns to you, his hands on his hips and one brow upright curiously.

You: "I needed his help with Puncher, he broke his ankle"

Dutch: "so you just let him out? You should have gotten one of us y/n"

He tries his best to sound empathetic

You: "Kieran knows about horses, Dutch"

Dutch: "that's nice"

He answers in a belittling manor

You: "god damnit, he's alright y'know. He ain't no O'Driscoll monster, I don't know why we even still got him tied up like this"

A few heads begin to turn throughout the camp

Dutch: "I know that. But we still can't trust him"

You: "fine... but I hope you feel bad"

You throw a hand in the air in defeat and turn again to leave it at that

Dutch: "excuse me?"

Those two words give you a dropping sensation in your stomach. You hated being told off by Dutch more than alot of things.

Hosea: "it is a bit... inhumane, Dutch"

He pipes up between drags of his cigarette

Hosea: "he's an alright kid. He helped alot with y/n's horse for sure. Plus... he took me to get some herbs for him aswell"

You: "huh?"

Hosea: "I don't have a clue in the world where to find sleepy herbs for horses y/n. But this kid sure does. If he's all that bad, how come he didn't just run off or kill me"

He makes his point and then gets that familiar look in his eye that he always does that indicates that he is fully standing his ground. Dutch knows the look and doesn't argue, just leaving it at a slightly petty, grumbly comment.

Dutch: "probably 'cus you were the one with the guns"

He heads back to his tent with a head shake. You decide there and then what you were going to do about the hunting situation.

You: "c'mon, I'm going hunting and your gonna show me where you get those herbs from"

You command and grab ahold of Kieran's bounds once again but this time civilly undoing them rather than knifing at them.

Dutch: "hey!"

He calls

You: "he's gonna show me where those herbs are, that's all! Plus I need some extra hands"

Dutch simply sighs and shakes his head. As you begin to pace forward Kieran absentmindedly stares off before noticing and doing a little jog to catch up. On your way you receive another signature Hosea pat.

Hosea: "be safe y/n"

You: "I will. See ya' round"

You make your way directly back to your things. When collecting them up suddenly a strong grip takes ahold of your shoulder and pulls you round to see the body the arm was extended from.

Arthur: "sorry y/n, huntin' is gonna have to wait"

You: "what?"

Arthur: "I need your pet for a bit, don't worry I ain't gonna hurt him"

He gives a gruff laugh

You: "tell me what's going on Arthur!"

Arthur, now grabbing ahold of Kieran and dragging him toward the horse station. You would've thought the poor thing would be used to being dragged by the arm by now but he still looked so worried under Arthur's force.

Arthur: "he's gonna show me where our old friend Colm is hiding out, aren't ya' son?"

Kieran: "oh um, yes of course sir"

He goes along, remembering his promise to do just that after the gruesome threat of gelding the day previous (which you'd been unlucky enough to watch unfold but smart enough to know they wouldn't actually do anything and didn't interfere), the only reason the gang was actually keeping him around other than him knowing where camp was.

You: "I'm coming."

You demand rather than ask, Arthur giving an eye roll as he recognised that stubborn force painted all over you.

Arthur: "fine"

He grumbles and pulls himself up onto his horse

Arthur: "Bill, John, let's go!"

He calls

John: "we goin' to see Colm?"

Arthur: "according to him, yes we are"

You, with a hand, place yourself on the back of Arthur's horse and clutch your hands comfortably on his sides.

Kieran had given some fairly vague directions with the promise of more detail closer to the cabin Colm was supposedly in. Now just a little bit into the woods, the atmosphere wasn't lacking any talkative characters between you.

John: "Sharing saddle with an O'Driscoll, never thought I'd see the day"

Kieran: "I told you, I ain't no O'Driscoll"

John: "you look like one... and you smell like one, jesus"

Kieran: "I smell like horse shit!"

The men laugh

You: "only cus you boys probably chucked it at him, you god damn animals"

You add with a huff of resistant laughter

Arthur: "so how come your all cozy all of a sudden with this 'Kieran'. Not like you to make friends too easy"

You: "I ain't cozy with nobody Arthur. I just... well someone oughta' look out for him"

Arthur: "not really"

You: "why not?"

Irritation evident in your voice

Arthur: "'cus we don't know the first thing about him. He could be leading us to our deaths right now y/n. Don't trust nobody but eachother, you know that"

He preaches

You: "course I do. But he is one of us now, whether you like it or not. Unless he actually does lead us to some trap today, he's one of our boys now... plus I think it's downright evil how you men treat him, which is of no consequence at all- which is exactly why you do it. People shouldn't have that sorta power in my opinion is all I'm sayin'"

Arthur: "your gonna get yourself killed with your opinion one day y/n"

Arthur shakes his head endearingly as he speaks with a small smile. Knowing he probably doesn't have the smarts to up your point. The other two stay quiet aswell. It's mainly silent until a little peep from the back of John's horse.

Kieran: "thankyou miss"

You don't answer in any way, keeping your typical cold composure to remind him and the others that no matter your opinion on matters such as those regarding empathy and morals you were still stoic and only loyal to few. Sticking up for the underdog was starting to become associated with you so very quickly and you didn't like it one bit.

Soon enough, after quite a bit of bickering between the boys and Kieran, you were perched with the three men on the top of a hill, watching three O'Driscoll's heading back to the hideout. John suddenly pulls Kieran back to his chest by gripping a hand over his mouth and then placing a gun to the side of his head in threat to keep quiet. Two of them reached the camp and had stopped walking, one stopped to piss on a tree. A bit before the other two who stood together.

Bill: "alright Morgan, what're we gonna do about the pisser? The one by the tree"

You: "I've got this"

You draw your bow and with one smooth release take out the man with an arrow through the brain.

Bill: "nice one little lady"

You: "call me that again and you won't be likin' my bow work anymore Bill"

He gives a quiet little chuckle

Arthur: "follow my lead and stay focused"

He adds in a stoic tone and starts creeping forward, throwing knife in hand. Bill equips the same and you hold onto you bow - John mindlessly dropping his gun in an attempt to keep up and replacing it with his knife.

John: "don't move"

He whispers to Kieran and the three of you push up with Arthur. After reaching the bottom of the hill and hidden almost in plain site right by the camp Arthur's tone rushes to a shout.

Arthur: "right, take 'em out"

Swiftly grabbing ahold of your shotgun and the others equipping their firearms in sync, the scene turns to a shootout with the conveniently small O'Driscoll group. The three of you manage to skillfully take them out fairly quickly.

Bill: "these O'Driscoll sons of bitches got supplies!"

He yells in that common Bill excitement and you and John follow him in collecting up supplies from around the unlit campfire as well as the corpses scattered around. A sudden bang knocks you back and almost off your feet, dropping the body you were looting and whipping your head round to see Arthur layed on his back with his hands held out helplessly as a man stood in the doorframe of the cabin Colm was supposed to be in held a gun pointed between Arthur's eyes. You absolutely panic and instead of any motion you scream:

"Arthur!"

Another bang brings a hand to your mouth as you really thought for a moment that Arthur had been killed. It was only when the man above him dropped the gun and slowly brought a hand to his chest your breath is forced to a sigh of relief before returning to usual. He collapses and so does Arthur, presumably in relief, when he turns his head, as do you (almost in sync) to see Kieran holding John's revolver with a trembling grip.

Kieran: "you okay?!"

Arthur: "yes, thank you"

He responds in defeat. You speed walk over to the scene and automatically extend an arm to help up Arthur. Once on his feet there's not a second before your revolver is pointed into the cabin.

You: "Colm O'Driscoll!"

You exclaim, rapidly scanning the cabin with your gun pointed to find an empty room. You drop your arm to your side in defeat and stare back at Arthur with a pissed expression.

Arthur: "you set us up!"

He yells, pacing toward Kieran, you sigh. Crouching down to rest your elbows on your knees and drop your head in your hands.

Kieran: "no-no I didn't!"

Arthur: "yes you did! Colm O'Driscoll ain't here!"

He exclaims, poking his pointer into his chest in a jab.

Kieran: "no he was here! He was here I swear!"

He almost cries, raw distress in his voice

Kieran: "if I was settin' you up why would I save you?!"

Bill: "he's got a point Arthur"

He chips in as him and John emerge beside Arthur

Arthur: "fine, get outta' here"

He grumbles. You spring your head back up to watch this unfold as the situation finally caught your interest. Arthur grabs ahold of Kieran's upper arm but finally not to drag him somewhere but rather throw him forward away from the group.

Arthur: "I'm lettin' you get away, now get lost!"

You: "hold on-"

You try to pipe up but, much to your suprise, Kieran makes a much better point in his defense than you'd ever.

Kieran: "throwin' me out is as good as killin' me! Out there?! Colm is gonna lose his mind over this!"

He yells in the face of three men much bigger and much stronger than him, you almost felt proud of the man who had kept a scared kitten sort of front all the way up until now.

Kieran: "as the lady said, I'm one of you now whether you like it or not!"

Arthur: "fine. Let's get back to camp"

He walks forward and the others follow

You: "Kieran's coming with me, I still need to go get herbs for my horse"

You add and grab (absentmindedly) harshly ahold of Kieran's shoulder.

Kieran: "you got the money then?"

Arthur: "what money?"

Kieran: "Colm usually stores some money in the cabin. In the fireplace!"

He exclaims excitedly, pulling from your grip back toward the cabin before being reasonably shut down by Arthur.

Arthur: "I'll get it. Bill, tell Dutch, Kieran ain't worth killin'... yet"

Bill: "you got that right"

He chuckles back as their voices become farther and soon hooves can be heard pushing into the dirt.

You: "right"

You peer down at your watch

You: "we've still got an alright amount of day left. Let's go back down to Valentine"

You say and begin to walk off, Kieran once again having to quickly hop forward to catch up.

Kieran: "oh, uh, they won't sell the herbs Puncher needs in general stores miss"

You abruptly turn to face him

You: "don't you remember my name?"

Kieran: "no I do, I mean, I've heard it. People calling you and stuff. It's y/n isn't it?"

You: "that's right"

You smirk and let out a small huff at his ever-nervous manor

Kieran: "just, miss and ma'am is polite and all"

You turn your back and carry on walking

You: "whatever you say, sir, but I find calling someone by their name to be polite"

Kieran: "then I will... y/n... b-but like I said-"

You: "we ain't goin' to the general store, I've got enough money on me right now so (you sigh) we're gonna go buy yourself a horse"

Kieran: "a horse! Really?! Your pulling my leg miss- I mean y/n"

Pure excitement in his words

You: "no, I ain't, but my horse went and pulled his leg if you know what I mean"

You laugh to yourself

You: "and we ain't gonna get far without a horse carrying the load of supplies we're bringin' back. Which we can also pick up in Valentine"

Kieran: "I don't know what to say!"

You: "as little as possible would be preferable"

You pick up the pace

You: "your god damn lucky day, huh"

You grumble under your breath. A giddy Kieran following close behind you - visibly resisting expressing his excitement through blabbering by holding his lips painfully tight.

Chapter Two:

[queen-of-darkness001]

Trigger warning ⚠️

Hey fellows,

I'm fucked up seriously writing this and sobbing feeling clueless about everything

I'm taking therapy for approximately 2 years and half and was diagnosed w bpd

And i was happy knowing what im goin through, like finally i have justifications and interpretations of each behavior I've always had, i read a lot, and even write a lot about this mental illness to transmit awareness to others. But what about me? I literally get obsessed with my dreams and it's not recent it was like this since my childhood, like i do escape into them even if they were bad, i turned every kind of nightmare into a short story and started publishing part of them after my blog was launched.

I encountered many distresses in my childhood , wished them to be triumphed

But they didn't they just became accumulated and caused me to be involuntary melancholic... i went to therapy because i tried hard w myself but i couldn't always find solutions for my case individually, i had anger issues , panic disorder, anxiety disorder, depressive episodes and manic episodes which are inclined to make me extremely crazy, like a balloon you whiff inside and the air blown makes it bigger and bigger until it explodes, then i feel nothing and deteriorate mentally and physically just going through dissociation, get obsessed with my dreams instead of living in reality... so once i thought that these means are just temporary and i need an expert to fix that disfunctioning machine , i went to a psychiatrist to help me out of this zone, i was literally loving people in an aggressive way instead of expressing love appropriately i just fuck it up ... I'm a writer and i wrote most of times for myself , also an artist and i did express myself a lot but for people it was rare because i was ashamed of the pain I'm carrying,  used to hide it thinking i might be a burden or pain might be underestimated by others. After a while i decided to choose being seen like enough is enough this creativity is fuckin getting outI started to write because i like it... and paint to express myself to people and to myself either. That helped me quite good through my sessions as well

And made me more honest and less ashamed of myself likewise,  my pain can be seen.

But here we go again after a time of self love and awareness here we go extreme either up or down and suffer into both processes... seeking help without uttering a word ... at the same time they get out of my mouth because i can't hold them anymore, instead of a person who's passionate i turn into a beast looping in a labyrinth its ending is foggy and can't be accessed. I have a husband, that already makes me happy and I'm very grateful, speaking of this I'm a very giving person and because of therapy and my efforts i just became more giving and caring

But most of times im being taken by others as a lazy person they can't get it that im fuckin tired and i cant manage it... i take meds and attend sessions and doing my best but my 100% is often seen as 1% by ambience people.

My mom and my husband are very helpful God bless them but whenever i look at them having other priorities to do aside of helping me at home or whatever i feel extremely guilty and i hate myself the double .

I wish i could do more but this is my capacity. I act within it.

I try to be productive, helpful and a giver but i fail sometimes too. Most likely not comparable with anyone else because a mental disorder isn't as simple as they think

I pass through 3 different phases daily

And i feel everything or feel nothing amongst them

I feel lost despite i know what i want

I feel sometimes that i wanna separate from all people and isolate myself

Im paranoid most of times that they might die or abandon me despite they're loyal and trustworthy

It's just me

I'm always triggered I'm always concerning about details my brain feels like a battlefield without a single exaggeration. I prone to explain a lot sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes me creepy and intimidating for others. Yes honesty sometimes is a curse

I'm honest about fragility but im a beast if someone tried to turn it against me not to work on it. Eventually im trying my best idk who's reading, who's interested but i just spelled all my thoughts here rn which are just a sample of what i actually encounter everyday. I wish i could rest.

I wish i could wash away my pain .

But all ik , all the positivity i get from here -is that i decreased the anger issues, am -being aware about myself and telling people about it even if my hands were shaking meanwhile narrating details that might be seen as shame

- defending myself despite i hate myself sometimes

- i stopped cutting and preferred smoking over it as a less dangerous self harm

- im good to my husband and family and even strangers who need my help

- im focused on writing and painting

- i give myself time to rest even though ig might extend but i always try to reach to a settlement with my husband to make him less burdened

- i find solutions meanwhile problems instead of just arguing and reaching no point

- i became so domestic and that causes me less anxiety because i hate going out usually. Doesn't change the fact that i love going out too with a safe company like my husband

- i was yearning if i would be a bad mother one day but with this amount of love and care i can give limitless support and provide my kid with joy at any cost

- whenever i do sth wrong recklessly i try to set boundaries and correct myself i even sometimes control myself not to do these stuff before they happen.

Had to vent because im off today and been worse since i had spasms and lost my ability to move my extremities for a while... now im good but feels like my first time in a gym and my muscles hurt af

...and in closure, i usually need confirmation from people about myself and a lot of praises

But im working on this now and trying to be neutral as never been before .

[fangirlinginleatherboots]

hi bootsie, i’ve followed y’all for a long time now (originally followed for your beautiful homestuck art) and if it’s okay i wanted to ask how you handle cptsd in work settings? i have it too (though i am not osdd or did) and an really struggling with being triggered by just the general environment at work. i’ve been there over two years and i love my job but the way they treat me has me questioning everything. so much of me just wants to scream that i literally have a traumatic stress disorder and so distress tolerance is absolutely not my forte despite my best efforts, but i know they would just turn it around and blame me if given half the chance. but if i actually tell them i have diagnosed ptsd they would have to give me basic respect i already don’t get but also would maybe stop the constant criticism directed towards me despite how much i work and bend over backwards to make everyone happy and the whole department at peace. i’m just so tired of being treated like this and i desperately want to tell them i can’t take it anymore and that cptsd is a large reason why i can’t (but also i shouldn’t have to because tehy shouldn’t be treating me different than anyone else) but i’m very private person and so paranoid i dont trust them knowing that about me i won’t even tell coworkers who tell me about their own ptsd that i have it too because it’s been used against me before. and i feel like my trauma responses are already used against me in this job i cang take them knowing anything else they could possibly use to hurt me. but also if i do actually disclose it and honestly say hey this shit ain’t it then maybe just maybe they would stop treating me like this. i’m just so tired. it’s no wherever near the worst i’ve felt with but after years of this shit and trying to heal from childhood trauma as an adult i can’t take it in my daily life anymore. i need them to know they can only push me so far before i snap and i feel like the only way to actually express that is to tell them i’ve got ptsd and that they need to fucking respect it. but even the idea of bringing up my frustrations let alone going to hr about my having ptsd terrified me.

It sounds like the issue is the work environment itself. Unfortunately I can't advise much here because this hasn't been my experience since joining the workforce. I've always just been very up front about my issues because I'm unable to keep myself private more than I already do.

-Ripley