#i'm still burned out so i don't have any energy to write for them unfortunately Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[amiharana]

good lord i miss revalink so much

[strongheartneteyam]

Realize where you belong.

Pairing: neteyam sully x female!human!reader/female!dreamwalker!reader

Chapter 7

CW: a good amount of angst, reader finally is letting neteyam in and realizing how she does truly love him too, physical contact, neteyam suffering while holding back from mating w/ reader, mentions of sex, yearning, sexual language, reader and neteyam acting like a cute couple, playful flirting, reader is more vulnerable with neteyam, a lot of fluff, reader feels guilty about the way she's been treating neteyam. Tell me if I'm missing something important!

Sorry for taking long to update, my angels 🥺🤍 unfortunately I'm going through a tough path in my personal life rn and bc of that I fell on a horrible depressive episode that I'm still on. So, my motivation to do stuff is very low at the moment and as I have to deal with my adult responsibilities that I can't run from bc nobody can, rn the best I'm able to do is focus the tiny bit of energy I have onto getting them done. I won't be able to update my fanfics as fast as I used to for some time. Can't say how long, it's not under my control currently, sorry :( But I LOVE writing, it's a great escape for me, from life problems and stuff, so, I really do not plan on stop writing fanfiction. I promise! Don't worry too much. Some of the upcoming chapters of this fanfiction, for example, are already saved on my Google Docs. I'll take longer but I won't stop updating. Anyway, I'm a tiny bit (ok maybe much more than that lol) insecure about this chapter but I hope y'all like it. Seeing your comments about the fic would make me incredibly happy. I'm needing some serotonin right now 🥲 Thanks for reading my writings ♡

Not proofread. Sorry if some parts are a bit messed up. I'll proofread it as soon as I can <3

Chapter 6

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowin' my pride

Standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night

(...)

It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you

Back to December (Taylor Swift)

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

You inclined yourself slowly and sheepishly in Neteyam's direction, still feeling guilty for the way you had been treating him before. Neteyam sensed your self doubt and quickly swept you off your feet, taking you inside his arms, so he could finally get the hug he had been dying for, so he could finally feel your small body against his bigger one. His big hands were now under your thighs, securing you in place against his warm body. That closeness, his touch… it all felt incredibly good. You cursed yourself for pushing him away and postponing that moment. To think you could have felt that before and you didn't… "Stupid girl" you thought.

You were now really far from the ground but you felt safe. Now you knew Neteyam would always protect you. He would not let you fall and get hurt. He was not and had never been a threat to you. There was not and there never was any reason for you to be afraid of him.

"Oeyä yawne…" (my beloved) "You feel so soft and tiny… Eywa… Nga yawne lu oer" (I love you) His voice was choked with emotion as he held back tears of joy while he hugged you as tight as he was able to - without hurting you - and you rested your head upon his shoulder. Your nose was hovering over his neck and you sniffed his skin, smelling his natural, cozy scent. It was intoxicating, drawing you in, making you wanna stay like that forever. 

You breathed in deep and relaxed inside his huge arms that held you for the first time but still strangely felt like home, like you had felt them around you a thousand times already. If you believed in past lives - which you didn't - you'd explain this odd but amazing feeling as you having found your soulmate again, in this current life. There was no fear of Neteyam inside of you anymore. You only yearned for more and more of him, only a burning affection kept your whole being warm, just like his massive body did too.

"There's still something I need to ask of you, if this is gonna work out between us." You said, breaking the hug for a while to look him in the eye

"Say it, yawne."

Neteyam was still so utterly happy that he did not even seem to be shaken by that, which he could have been

"You know why I pushed you away. First of all, finding out an alien double your size has been stalking you is freaking unnerving." You still gazed into his eyes, wanting him to pay attention to your words "Second, you acted like a creep. At least compared to the way human guys act around girls they're interested in. I don't really have any experience dating na'vi boys, you know?" You choked a little as you were trying hard to hold back laughter

"Ouch…" Neteyam playfully pretended to be extremely hurt by your previous statements. He chuckled "In my defense, I'd say my instincts are to blame, not me, exactly." You gave him a death stare, but in a playful manner too "When I saw you, I knew you would be the perfect mate for me and I had to make you mine. Everything about you rubbed me just the right way."

You smiled. He was being silly and so sweet. You just could not resist it.

"By the way, when did you see me for the first time?" 

Neteyam seemed to get shy after that question. You wondered why.

"I fell in love with you while you were in your Avatar body, yawntu. That's when I first saw you." Neteyam looked up at you again, smiling but showing no teeth

"You what?" You questioned him, a bit shocked but you could not bring yourself to be mad at him, though. Imagining him hiding behind trees and up in branches to watch you silently seemed adorable in your eyes, now. 

And yes, you knew it sounded crazy, to find someone who used to literally stalk you adorable, but nobody said that anything that was happening to you right now made any sense. Not even you would try to.

"How did I never notice you were around?" You shook your head in disapproval of your distraction back in the forest.

What if it had been a na'vi who did not trust you a single bit to even let you Dreamwalk freely, without grabbing you by the arm and taking you to the Olo'eyktan and the Tsahìk? Some na'vi hated humans to that point. And, as you always said and always would say, you had a great empathy towards them and could imagine yourself feeling the same way if you were na'vi. You could never bring yourself to judge them as harshly as way too many humans did. You knew they were not the villains of the story. But still, what if that na'vi tried to hurt you? You felt tense at the thought.

Neteyam noticed your uneasiness and tried to calm you.

"Don't worry, yawne. I'm a great warrior. A big part of being a good warrior is being really focused on one's mission and knowing how to get by as unnoticed as possible. So many other humans in their Avatars and even many, many na'vi wouldn't notice me, either."

Neteyam still wanted to call those other humans "demons in false bodies" but he was not going to. He knew it would hurt you and make you feel like he was talking about you too. But he was not. Whenever he had called you "demon", it never meant the same thing as it would mean if he was talking about any other human. But he knew it would be hard for you to understand. So he promised himself that he would never call you "demon" again. After that eclipse night when the both of you were talking in front of your bedroom window, he realized how much it hurt you when he called you that. He hated himself for bringing you pain. And his heart hurt so badly when he thought about the possibility of you pushing him away again. It made him want to hold onto your small, frail body tightly and say "Please, don't leave me! I can't be without you again… Please…"

"If you say so… I still think I should've been more careful, though." You say, still feeling a little nervous and thinking that maybe you had not been the best student when attending to your classes about na'vi behavior and that maybe you didn't pay enough attention to warnings they may have given about being mindful of your surroundings when Dreamwalking 

"I promise it's okay. It was not your fault, yawntu. I'm just good at what I do." His smile clearly showed he was proud of being a good warrior

"Ok, then." You smiled back at him and the both of you laughed a bit.

Suddenly, he stopped smiling and his gaze dropped to your lips, that were not that far from his own lips, if it wasn't for that damn oxygen mask. You felt like he wanted to kiss you. The moment was awkward but in a good way. He could not kiss you with the mask on, so, instead, he smiled at you once again and looked down at the floor, bashful.

You touched his huge, gorgeous face and he looked up at you again "So, about what we were talking about before… Just try to be a little less… upfront about what you feel for me. I mean… sexually. I love that you want me this much because I want you too, Neteyam. A lot, actually. You're… really freaking hot." He smiled, blissful, and his cat-like eyes sparkled as he heard that, his ears perking up. "But you're a bit too much, at times. If you could just tone it down a bit…" Neteyam looked a little ashamed and insecure, so, you rubbed your thumb on his soft skin, to reassure him you still longed for him too "At least while I get used to your na'vi nature, it would be great. Please, try to understand me… It's a whole new world I'm just now discovering. But it doesn't mean I don't love you and don't want you and it doesn't mean you should feel insecure." You smiled gently, showing no teeth. 

Neteyam looked a bit sad again after you finished your sentence and you totally understood why. In his na'vi mind, you were practically rejecting him. That was who he truly was, animalistic and a bit too much to your human standards. He must feel like who he is was not enough or good in your eyes.

"Hey" You cupped his face again "I wanna do something. Just let me take this mask off, first." You wanted to reassure Neteyam of your feelings for him by giving him a kiss.

"Yawne, no! You can't breathe without it. You could die really fast! I'm not gonna let you do it."

"So you don't want a kiss, Neteyam Suli? I thought you'd want it, judging by the way you have been stalking me and by our interaction that night, outside my bedroom's window." You teased him and his face lit up

Neteyam gave you an excited smile. The way his full lips curled up as he quickly pondered about the pros and cons of your offer was so beautiful, almost hypnotizing.

God, you really were in love with that na'vi boy, weren't you? There's no going back now. He's holding your heart in his big, weird but cute, alien hands.

"I guess if we make it quick-"

"Shut up, Neteyam." You interrupted, chuckling playfully "I know you're dying to feel my lips on yours. Just help me take this mask off already." It was a bit hard for you to take the mask off while holding onto his shoulders. You knew he would not let you fall but still you wanted to still feel a bit of control and keep holding onto him too.

Neteyam got surprised by your boldness, since he did not see it coming, and he could only think about how freaking amazing it would feel to finally taste your lips, so, he did as you asked - leaving the mask hanging on your neck by the strap it had - and you rapidly held his big pretty, blue face, brought your lips to his and placed the most tender of kisses there, pressing your mouth against his mouth softly but with so much care, trying to let him feel how much you desired him too. His lips were velvety, warm and so incredibly good to kiss. God, you did not care that you were risking dying from lack of oxygen. You wanted that alien boy so badly.

Neteyam's still tense demeanor soon turned into a calmer one as he kissed you back. His hold on you got tighter as he felt your sweet soft lips on his. He felt so incredibly hungry for you. How could he not be? Your kiss was the most delicious thing he had ever felt in his whole life. You both shared saliva and wet each other's lips with each time your lips parted only slightly and came together again. Your soft skin made him want to squeeze you and never let you go again. Neteyam wanted to cuddle with you, wanted to wrap his tail around your small body in a possessive way to let you know you're his and that he would take care of you, hunt food to feed you and protect you from anything that could ever hurt you.

It was getting harder and harder for him not to lay you on the ground and press his body against your tiny one and make love to you right there but he knew that, thinking rationally, that was not a good idea at all, as the both of you were just outside a laboratory full of humans and you two could easily get caught and be in danger.

Even though Neteyam craved your body insanely, now even more than before, as he was finally feeling you close and tasting your lips, he was trying to take it as slow and gentle as he could because he wanted to respect your limits instead of scaring you away again. He understood you were human and your race acted in a very different way when it came to relationships. He still thought it to be a dumb way to lead things but it was you who was asking him to act differently and he loved you with his whole being. He could not bring himself to say "no" to that request. He knew it would be temporary and you soon would give into the na'vi that lives inside of you when it came to mating too. For you, Neteyam could wait. He knew things would soon change for the better. You were now in his arms, as the two of you kissed. You were no longer afraid of him. That was everything he needed at that moment. Things were already so much better.

Neteyam noticed you were having more and more trouble breathing, so he got worried and quickly put your oxygen mask back on.

You gasped for air and breathed in so much oxygen once you had your mask on that it might have been funny to watch, though Neteyam did not laugh. On the contrary, he seemed way too serious, way too worried about your safety. You wanted him to relax a bit.

"See how much I love you? I risked dying just to give you a kiss." You tried to speak normally but what came out of your mouth was a hoarse whisper instead, as your lungs were still in need of more air. A weak smile was adorning your lips as you struggled but still managed to let out a frail chuckle

"Don't say that, oeyä tawtute, please." Neteyam told you, trying to stay serious but still letting out a chuckle as well

"See the sacrifices I make for you, Neteyam?" You tried to seem mad at him at the beginning, only to start laughing shortly after, now that you finally had enough oxygen in your system to be able to let out an actual laugh, even if it still sounded weaker than your laughing would sound in another situation

He smiled big and teased you "Skxawng." (moron)

"But you love me." You closed your eyes while smiling, full of yourself

"I do." You opened your eyes to look at his face "More than you think, yawntu."

Your heartbeat accelerated intensely and you blushed. Neteyam found your blushed cheeks adorable. He looked at you so intensely, like he was holding the most precious thing in the world in his arms.

Neteyam knew he had just fallen even harder for you now that you both had kissed. He could not wait until he could be alone with you in a safe place and get to explore your body with his hands and kiss you all over. He almost got hard just thinking about that but he tried his hardest to whoosh that away. Neteyam was scared that feeling his bulge would be too much for you at that moment, specially since he knew he was much bigger than the human males you were used to. You might feel uncomfortable because of that difference and the sudden intimate feeling of his hard big cock against you and want to get out of his arms. Neteyam did not want that to happen. He needed you there a bit more, he was not ready to let you stand on your feet yet. And he was so afraid of you not wanting him close anymore, he was so afraid of perhaps ruining what you both had now. It was far too special for him. He could not let his sexual instincts ruin that. The time would come when you would let him in completely, when you would grant him permission to be inside of you and show you how much he craved your pussy, how much you messed with his head and awakened his most intense desires. Until then, he would wait and take baby steps. For you, he was capable of waiting for ages, though he hoped so strongly it would not take long.

༊⁀➷

Taglist:

@kitsunefirewail

@tumblingdevils

@a-blog-name-2003

@xylobee

@nerdybouquetofkittens-blog

@henhouse-horrors

@lala-1516

@xylianasblog

@samistars

@crazy4books1

@explosiongamora

@lik0

@your-girl-mj

@darktyrantwinner

@sereisstuff

@yeosxxx

@die4niyahhh

@iman-lu

@manumanulau

@im-in-a-pansexual-panik

@hana-yuri

@thehoneymushroomhealer

@melllinaa

@annaibansworld

@siriuslysmoking

@avatar4eva

@ellabellabus07

@badbishsblog

@neteyamsmate4life

@c-h-i-l

@criticallybella

@celi-xxmoon

[cleavetheclover]

Clver, think about it...shadowire (platonic or romantic) domestic fluff,,, or just fluff,,, angsty fluff? ps this is just my sleep deprived ramblings

Like...

- Post Hourglass Omen being found by Cypher (probably willingly i don't see Cypher going to go see Omen if he'd rather not see Cypher) and just...a talk. Omen venting. Cypher comforting Omen and listening quietly. And then cuddles. A kiss when Cypher leaves Omen be again and an orange, "for luck," Cypher would say (knowing it had no such meaning)

- Pre Hourglass, Omen coming to see Cypher at night, cuddles and physical intimacy mixed with quietness, because if nothing else Over feels just a little more grounded when Cypher is holding him.

- Cypher noticing little quirks Omen has. Sometimes Cypher tells Omen about what he's noticed. Omen enjoys it because it at least means he's still human if nothing else. (I mean, what kind of monster has a preferred sitting position or a certain kind of wool they enjoy knitting the most?)

- Above, but roles exchanged. Omen notices things about Cypher that makes him Cypher and some that makes Amir. It's weird, Cypher thinks, I'd hate being known but it feels natural with Omen. (Inspired mostly by hermit card, which normally means like being known by no one but yourself)

ehh welp thas all i got in the brain goodnight I'm by no means asking you to draw any of these i just saw your ask thingy and went "bet lemme think"

Noooooo stop I stg every single member of the cyphmen community has the exact same headcannons please 😭😭😭

(Not that I’m complaining, that just means more food for all of us)

ANYWAY all of these are wonderful ideas and I definitely want to write all of them!!! Unfortunately I am rather swamped right now bc senior design is kicking my ass and job hunting is harder than ranking up in val, and my current hyperfixation is a game called Noita…

But I’ll definitely get back to writing as soon as my life stops being as volatile as a bucket of acetone.

Also I wrote a short thing for the hourglass thing I hope you like it! I’ll respond to the other prompts later

Post hourglass Omen:

I think he would shut himself in his room for a while and just sit there, completely overwhelmed and not sure where to go or what to do next.

Since it’s cannon that Omen can sense others emotions, I think pre-HG Omen would have already sensed a timid friendship and significant fear from Viper, but it wasn’t until post-HG that he knows why. He’s having this world-shattering realization that one of the few people he has trusted and befriended in this lifetime not only doesn’t return that friendship, but actively fears him, and for good reason.

Imagine learning that your best friend fears you, for an incident you would have never learned of—had you not hired a shady information broker to find it out for you.

Confirming that she sees you as a monster— something you never wanted to be.

Yeah, I’d be pretty lost and upset too.

So Omen is gonna be hiding in his room trying to figure out a path forward and simultaneously avoid thinking about said path forward.

Cypher, being the nosiest man alive, a friend of Omen’s, and also the guy who helped orchestrate the mission in the first place, is not gonna sit there and let Omen feel so alone.

He shows up and Omen really wants to just slam the door and tell him to fuck off, but he really doesn’t have the energy (and also can’t really afford to burn more bridges at the moment). So begrudgingly he lets him in.

Cypher softly says his name, “Omen,” but the shadow doesn’t dare look him in the eye. Instead he stares at the sentinel’s belt. Browth leather. Battle-worn. Probably replaced several times over, like Omen’s own combat gear.

The sentinel approaches, and Omen can feel a protective sentiment befitting his role as a Sentinel. It’s soothing, he’s felt it before, but he really wishes he weren’t the subject of such a keen emotion right now.

Cypher’s gloved hands come up to rest on the sides of his own shoulders. The intent is to be reassuring, but Omen doesn’t find it to be such. What is he supposed to do with his own hands, anyhow? Touch Cypher’s shoulders? His belt, or chest?? His waist???

Well, the chest option is gone, because the next thing he knows Cypher’s chest is pressed against his own. And his arms are wrapped around his back.

Omen always knew humans were warm, but for some reason, he had always imagined Cypher to be cold. Maybe it was the utter lack of skin showing. The minimal expressions in his mask. The way he never so much as brushed hands with anyone else in the Protocol, as if he were a robot like KAY/O. Hell, the literal killer-bot had a warmer attitude than Cypher most of the time. Maybe it was…

Whatever.

Cypher is warm. Like any other human. Embracing him without any reservations at all.

No fear. No pity. No grief.

It makes him feel like, for one moment, that maybe he isn’t a monster after all.

Omen responds in the only way he can think of: he ducks his head down and buries his face in Cypher’s collar, and lifts his hands up to Cypher’s back and pulls him as close as he can.

He smells like bar soap and leather. And something else more organic, musky almost like sweat, but that can only be described as subtle and pleasant.

Alas, their embrace cannot last forever. Poor Cypher is a man, not a scented candle or a stuffed animal that can be basked in or embraced forever. Omen releases him, already missing the warmth and the scents and the textures and the intimacy, but he would rather save face and keep Cypher comfortable than anything else.

Cypher seems… satisfied.

Omen isn’t sure how he feels.

There’s a long pause.

“I am not my past,” he blurts, immediately wishing he didn’t. He almost says something else to brush it away, but he knows that doing so will only dig a deeper hole for himself. He says nothing more and hopes Cypher will have the courtesy to do the same.

But the Sentinel, as always, has other plans.

“Neither am I.”

Omen’s gaze snaps up at that.

The Sentinel then reaches into a bag of items that he had discarded upon entering, and produces a ball of yarn and a small tin box.

“I have spent the last decade of my life paying for crimes too heinous to be named.” He comes to stand in front of Omen once again. “They called me everything from a villain to a monster to, well. ‘Villain’ and ‘monster’ in more callous terms.”

Cypher chuckled humorlessly. Omen dared not ask who ‘they’ was referring to, but got the feeling that he didn’t need to.

“I am not absolved from my past. I cannot fix the innumerable lives I have ruined or the things I have destroyed.”

Then he lifted the little tin up to his face. “But then again, what kind of monster has a favorite type of tea?”

In his other hand, outstretched to Omen, was the ball of yarn. “Or a favorite type of wool?”

Omen just stared at it. Cashmere imported from India, said the label.

“To the best of my ability— which admittedly isn’t much— I left it all behind.” Cypher somberly bushes the tips of gloved fingers across his masked cheek. “My name. My face. My skin, even.”

Omen tilted his head at that last one. It sounded painful. But then again, what about Cypher’s existence wasn’t?

“Like me, you might carry the legacy of a monster. But that does not mean you are one.”

The cashmere is soft in Omen’s hands. He runs his thumb along each strand, marveling in the gift. On its own, it didn’t feel deserved. But when he looks back sees the tin of tea being cradled in Cypher’s own hands, it does.

Former monsters sitting under a warm roof with their silly little domestic joys: the thought of it almost makes Omen laugh.

Cypher must have seen the way the tension eased from Omen’s shoulders, because now he is chuckling too.

Bastard.

“Omen,” the informant takes the revenant’s hand and says his name with that dratted melody of affection in his voice, “Would you like to knit while I brew us some tea?”

———————————————

Since you suggested an orange:

It’s a very cute idea— I think oranges are for luck and wealth in Chinese culture, not sure about other ones tho.

Unfortunately I’ve come to kind of associate them with mourning. My grandma passed away last summer, and my grandpa and I leave flowers and oranges on her gravestone when we visit. So I didn’t feel like writing that into this little story lol

And yeah I also incorporated your “what kind of monster has a favorite kind of wool?” Thing in here wahoo

[aerodaltonimperial]

I believe that everyone should evaluate relationships when those relationships are not working for them any longer, and that means it's one of those times that I have to do the same for myself in fandom, so.

As a caveat, I have a really fraught relationship with writing. If you've followed me for awhile you've probably started to put the pieces together, but yes, I do try to do it professionally, and no, it's not going well. Like, at all. Like, I'm actually really bad at it. Fantastically, laughably bad at it. And I've been trying to be successful for well over a decade, and at this point, fic is the only positive association I've got with writing at all. So my involvement in fandom is already colored by my failures outside of fandom, and it sucks that all of that ends up bleeding into this. But those failures are, unfortunately, huge, and equally unfortunately, massive issues inside my self-confidence.

But I genuinely love being part of fandom. I've been in fandoms since I was 14 years old, for about 25 years of my life. I love being a part of the fandom environment, and I love the interaction, and I love the enthusiasm and flailing and just adoring whatever the source material is. Fandom is, honestly, one of the biggest things in my life, and it has been since I was a teenager, and I don't see that changing any time soon. And typically, I give 150% in fandom! I LOVE being part of it and creating things, and that's just something I've always loved doing, always used my time on. I know that I cultivate kind of a reputation of being CAPSLOCKY and flaily and just very excited about stuff and that's awesome, I love that I get to be so unfiltered and myself in fandom spaces because I feel like I always have to temper myself down in the "real world!"

But. I just don't think I can be the same in fandom any longer, not like this. I've been burned by people I thought were friends, and it's starting to feel like a very unequal distribution of enthusiasm, and I've got a full-time job and a young kid and I already have very little time for myself. It starts to feel really shitty when I'm giving so much of that time and it's just no longer coming back. And this is fine! Fandom ebbs and flows and that's just life; that's the nature of following something that involves real people, you know? Haha, things change and the source material shifts, and that's how it works. But I also know myself and my relationship with writing and self-confidence, and I know enough to know I can't keep doing this. When I start crying about fandom, it's time to step back. When fandom feels like throwing my time and love and energy into a black hole, it's time to step back. It's not good for my mental health any longer. I get too much silence and failure in real life, the last thing I need is to heap more on myself.

Again, this isn't anyone's fault! It's the nature of the beast. I brought a lot of this on myself by stepping away from half of the pairing that I really spearheaded in this fandom, and I'll own that. I don't regret that, even though that was when a lot of people also stepped away from me. And it's like, that's cool. I'm not making what you want any longer, and that content was what I was good for. But it's time for me to start conserving my energy as best I can, because I am still trying to (stupidly, fruitlessly) be successful in real life aspects of this dumb word-making hobby. So if you no longer see me showing up with silly capslock and excitement on your stuff, I'm sorry. I know that people liked it, and I was happy to give it out when I could. I'm happy with how I contributed to fandom during the boom, and I'm happy with who I was in the fandom. I'm still here, still watching, still obsessed, but I'm really stepping away from the creation/interaction side.

And maybe I'll feel better and start writing again and maybe I won't, and that's okay, too. I just didn't want people to think that I hated them or what they were creating because I'm not sliding into comments the way I used to. 💚 Anyway. Been quite a ride. I guess at the end of the day, I hope that I wrote something that you really liked, and that I was able to make you feel really warm and happy inside if you also wrote fic or made art. That's the impression I'd like to leave on people. 💚

[bltzgore]

im obsessed with waterboarding torture whump but i canNOT find much on it here on tumblr so i was wondering if i can have your twisted brilliant mind’s take on it……. /pos

Oh, YES! (and thank you 😈) this is gonna be a long one. I have some IDEAS.

Tw: waterboarding, panic, mentions of gasoline

Let's hit the ground running!

Waterboarding is fun, but it is so much better (in my opinion) when you go after someone who is especially susceptible to it. Someone who's afraid of the water, or has incompatible physical traits or powers.

Starting with water boarding the old fashioned way (we'll call it traditional) with the build up. The getting tied, or even better held, down on whumpee's back. I'm gonna lean into held down for how much more they can struggle. I think the amount of fear expressed can double if whumpee actually manages to get an arm free before it's grabbed back and pinned twice as rough.

You need to show that whumpee is desperate. They are convinced this is going to kill them. They are screaming, or growling, or maybe they snap (does your whumpee bite?). This just makes the whumpers laugh. "Damn, we got a live one."

Then the cloth goes over their face and and they feel like they're going to have a heart attack, whumpee is actually crying at this point, hyperventilating (which will only make it worse when the water arrives). The terror is so strong it hurts.

Let us recall that covering whumpee's eyes can make things exponentially worse. They can no longer predict and brace for whatever it is. It can come at any time and that kind of terror can do half the whumper's work for them. So keep things unpredictable.

From there it's a simple process for whumper. Half drown whumpee, demand information they cannot give, put the cloth back, rinse and repeat.

Whumpee feels like they are drowning and dying and being dragged back again. This is their own personal hell, and there is no escape. I like to wonder how much energy they'd have, and if eventually they'd fall limp. Whumpee no longer has the strength to fight back and now they're sobbing and just waiting to die.

I love when it's a fierce character who's breaking to this as well. They started out cursing everyone out and trying to claw at their captors and they've been reduced to begging and incoherent runs of "No no no no no no! Not again!! STOP! STOP-"

So I said before this was the traditional method, let's branch out a bit:

- I once read a very inspired whump post about using gasoline to waterboard someone, and holy shit I wanna write about that! (I was unfortunately unable to find the original post.) Just imagine how much more it burns. Choking on gas. Then whumper gets to threaten them by holding up a match.

- there's also holding someone under water. I don't prefer this necessarily, but it's a fun option if you don't have the means of restraining whumpee on their back. You could do this anywhere, and if you press their head down just right you can make sure they can still hear whumper as they make their demands.

- I could go on and on about water based whump, but for now I'll cut it here! Happy whumping!!!

[lightning-storm-studies]

No-stress Summer Learning Challenge 🌞

Where did the idea of the no-stress summer learning challenge come from 🤔?

I see do many posts about summer studying, that it makes me worried. People spend their time studying during summer holidays, already preparing for the upcoming semester/school year. It's your free time and, as someone, who already has a full-time job (and is trying to finish her thesis to get a master's degree), I can tell you, that you probably won't have that much free time in the summer once you start working. Yes, it's sad and unfair, but unfortunately, it's real 🙁. So please, take your time, use it for something else, than worrying about exams, preparing for school and getting stressed and burnt out before school even starts. Don't waste your energy sitting in front of your PC/laptop, or with a course book, learing stuff by heart, while the sun ☀️ is shining outside, children are playing and other people are going out with their friends and families. And if you already work full-time, but also are still a student, don't use whatever free time you have on summer to study even more. Unless you absolutely have to, of course (I'm in this kind of situation, I have to write my thesis during summer, because the deadline is in September), but even then, don't use all your time for schoolwork. Although I consider summer studying an unnecessary stress factor, there's a difference between studying and learning. Studying is for school, learning is for yourself 🙂. I'm not telling you to be lazy the whole summer, but to consider learning something, that doesn't include schoolwork. It may be related to what you're studying in college/at school, or it may be something totally different. It may be something about technology 🔌 (programming, robotics, electronics...), art 🎨 (drawing, painting, embroidery...), nature 🌱 (gardening, foraging, birdwatching...), music 🎶 (singing, playing an instrument, making electronic music...), foreign languages 🗺️, sports ⚽, cooking 🍲, baking 🍩, kintting 🧶, sewing 🪡... the list is endless. So, as an alternative to summer studying challenge, you can start a no-stress summer learning challenge.

The main rules 📑

The main purpose of this challenge is to find motivation to learn for yourself 😀 again, so no exams, no homework, no grades, just you and your goal .

You're free to choose what you're going to learn, based on your own passions, dreams and ambitions 😍, without worrying about other people's judgement and expectations.

It's supposed to be stress free 😌, so there are no fixed schedules or deadlines. It's up to you to plan your learning and decide, how long it's going to take you.

To stay focused, please choose one topic and stick to it. It doesn't mean, you can't learn anything else. Actually you should, because staying concentrated on one thing for too long can make you burn out quickly, but have one main goal 😎.

Remember to take proper breaks 🥱. Learning all the time will only make you sterssed and tired. It's not school, so you don't need to worry about any fixed due date or preparing for a test.

Don't be too hard on yourself and remember that mistakes are a part of learning 😯, not a failure or shame.

Preparing for the challenge and completing it 📚

Think about, what do you want to learn this summer. It doesn't have to be very specific at this stage. For example, it can be something like "I want to learn about cats 🐈", or "I want to learn to draw 🖼️", or "I want to learn about tea 🫖".

When you know, what you want to learn, do your research, to be able to set a more specific goal. Read about this topic, watch some videos, maybe try to find people, who have more knowledge about it, than you, and talk to them. Let the "I want to learn about cats" become "I want to learn proper cat care 😸", the "I want to learn to draw" become "I want to learn to draw manga 🎏" or the "I want to learn about tea" become "I want to learn, how to brew various kinds of tea 🍵".

You've done the research, so now it's time to find your "why", because to stay motivated, you need to remember that you're doing it for a reason and that this knowledge is useful. The "I want to learn proper cat care" becomes "I want to learn proper cat care to make my cats healthier and happier 😻", the "I want to learn to draw manga" becomes "I want to learn to draw manga, because I'm interested in art and Japanese culture 🌸" and the "I want to learn, how to brew various kinds of tea" becomes "I want to learn, how to brew various kinds of tea, because I like tea and I want to make it even better 🍃".

Once you find your motivation, look for the learning resources 💻. It can be an online course, internet articles, scientific papers, books, YouTube videos, TikTok videos... whatever, depends on what you're going to learn. You can also contact someone, who is na expert in what you're learning, and ask them for help. While learning from blogs, videos, etc., remember to check the sources, to make sure the person, who created this content, knows what they're talking/writing about.

When you know your resources, plan the whole thing ahead 📝, considering your other summer plans (like traveling or going out with friends), to make sure, that you have enough time for learning and that the time you're going to spend working towards your goal is fairly evenly distributed to avoid stress and burnout, but remember to make your schedule flexible, so you don't have to worry about learning at a fixed time. Again, it's not school.

You've planned everything, now set reminders in your phone 📱 and/or write it down in a planner 📔 or on some post-it notes 📄... whatever works best for you to remember about your goal and the time you've decided to spend learning.

To minimize the risk od procrastination, divide the tasks into smaller tasks. You can write to-do lists ☑️ (either digital, or on paper), so you can see your progress and know exactly, what needs to be done.

To avoid getting burnt out 🤯, step away from what you're learning once in a while. Don't overwork yourself, you're not preparing for an exam.

To ensure you have enough energy ⚡, take care of your health, both physical and mental. Take breaks, sleep long enough 😴, go out with your friends, stay hydrated 💧, exercise 🏃🏻‍♀️, spend some time in nature 🌲.

Last, but not least: remember to post regular updates about your progress on your blog. It can be every day, every three days, once a week... you decide. It can include photos, but doesn't have to. Just make it regular and tag it with "no-stress summer learning challenge" or "no-sslc" 😊.

[clairelsonao3]

Author Ask Tag Game

Thanks to @i-can-even-burn-salad @tabswrites and @mysticstarlightduck for this tag a few weeks ago, around the time I took a break from tag games. Back on the horse, though.

1) What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

I don't really "choose" lessons or themes. They emerge. But if Good Slaves Never Break the Rules had a lesson, it's probably about The Power of Love, not only romantic love, even though it's a romance, but love for our fellow humans and love for ourselves. And the power of choosing love over hate, despite how cruelly we may have been hurt in the past -- or how we may have hurt (or perceive that we have hurt) others.

2) What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

The world of GSNBTR owes a lot to (mostly) fanfics with modern slavery AUs that I have read and enjoyed over the years. I basically took all my favorite elements from those stories, mashed them together, and threw in a few of my own unique touches. And of course, the worldbuilding has expanded from there, in many cases in much more detail than I imagined it would when I started.

3) What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

My two MCs both start out with their separate goals -- her to get through university and become independent, him to find his sister -- which end up merging into one singular goal (save their loved ones and defeat the villain, essentially) by the end of the story. Learning to trust and work together is part of the journey they undergo, and with their individual strengths, they end up making an incredible team. So I guess demonstrating that is what I'm trying to achieve with them.

I want to make readers feel something. It doesn't even have to be necessarily what I feel, or what I set out to make others feel. If you feel anything -- love, fear, sadness, shock, hate, disgust -- while reading this, my work here is done.

4) How many chapters is your story going to have?

At this point (I just posted Ch. 27), I suspect not more than 40, give or take. (But take this with a grain of salt; the number has already expanded several times). We are in Act III and it's outlined in detail, with may of the scenes at least partially written, but I'm just not sure how long each chapter/scene is ultimately going to be and how and where they'll be divided. I have an idea of that, but I can't decide it ahead of time; I only know when I sit down to write and edit the chapters.

5) Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

Original (although I'm not afraid to admit there are some fannish elements/tropes to it) and I'm posting it on Ao3! It will eventually be an ebook as well. It probably won't ever migrate over to Tumblr, unfortunately, not only because of the time and energy that would require but also because the NSFW and romance elements make it much better suited for Ao3, I feel. Also, having it in one place only allows me to gauge exactly how many people have read it and engaged with it (not that that really matters, but still!)

6) When and why did you start writing?

When? As soon as I could pick up a pencil and string together letters on a page to form words. Why? Because telling stories is in my blood (literally; my dad is also a writer).

7) Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers of Tumblr do you follow?

Write what you want. It sounds simple, but I spent way too many years of my writing life writing what I thought OTHER people wanted, and it almost derailed my ability to write altogether because it made me so damn miserable.

For newer writers: If you find yourself beginning a writing question with the words "Is it okay to..." or "Can I..." just stop right there. The answer is "yes."

I follow more people than just about anyone I know and I think most of them are writers; it's in the 4 digits. So I'm going to put this question aside for now and start working on a post of my favorite Tumblr writers and stories, so for future similar questions, I'll be able to direct you to that.

This one was going around a few weeks ago and IDK who's done it so OPEN TAG!

Template under the cut

1) What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

2) What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

3) What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

4) How many chapters is your story going to have?

5) Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

6) When and why did you start writing?

7) Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers of Tumblr do you follow?

[abronzeagegod]

Writing prompt: a flower in a garden wakes up one day, in a red dress.

[Thanks for the ask and the prompt! I know it took a while to get done but work has been kicking my ass lately. Also this one got away from me, as most of these things do! If anyone has any more prompts feel free to send them my way, i might not get to them in a timely fashion though.]

Well, she thought, this is not right.

One minute she was standing in the dirt, trees and sky overhead anxiously awaiting the dawning of the sun, of the warmth, the light, the energy all around her.

Now she's laying in the dirt, looking up at the trees and the sky and the bright sun of the early morning and instead of feeling alive and invigorated and bright and happy, she feels alive and warm, and kind of sticky and that's not very comfortable.

"DA!" came a sudden and loud voice from nearby. Before such a voice from the family that lived in the nearby cottage would be mere background noise, but now it was loud, screeching, and demanding attention. "There's a weird lady laying in the dirt outside!"

There was a pause of blessed silence before a new voice yelled from nearby.

"JONATHAN I'M FIXIN TA GROUND YA FER A YEAR!"

Immediately following this new declaration there was the sound of something loud and clanging, as the one in trouble tried to make good an escape.

A few moments later there came a cloud that covered the sun.

"Ok, up ya get," said the voice.

Standing over her was a man, dark skin, lovely looking, but tired.

The woman shook her head. She just kind of instinctively knew that it meant 'no'.

"Ya likely ta burn out here, let me fix ya something ta eat n drink and we'll fix ya right up."

"I can't move. My root are in the ground. I get my nourishment from the sun and the rain."

"Ya, that mighta been the case, but my daft son emptied the potion vat on ya pretty head and now yer a woman and not a plant. So up ya git. Come in the house, we'll fix ya up in a bit."

She knew her body was wrong, she knew that it had changed and was different, but she didn't want to acknowledge it until this moment. She wanted to still be a plant.

"Come on now."

Reluctantly, she tried to get the body to move correctly. It was hard and odd and getting used to having a body full of blood and muscle, sinew and bone, was not something that came easily. Coordination was tricky.

"Like trickin' a drunk to come home with a biscuit," muttered the man.

Getting into the small cottage and sitting down took entirely too long.

"Samuel," the father said to his youngest, "fetch some water and make our guest sommin ta eat. I hafta fix this mess."

The young boy ran off to fetch some water from the nearby well.

The woman sat (sitting was decidedly a strange sensation, so many things had to bend in just the right ways and they only bend in certain ways) at the table, and with a glass of water in front of her, was delighted. She needed water, she loved water. She stuck her hand in the glass and sat there contented.

"Ya don't absorb water like that," the father said as he worked over a small cauldron. "Ya hafta use yer mouth."

The youngest son had to then help the woman learn to use this stupid mouth appendage thing to consume water. How inefficient and gross.

"I must apologize fer my son," the father said. "His chores taday were to clean up after our business. We make n sell potions. Magic n such in the form of liquid. Tha other day, ya see, we had an order fer some potions of polymorph, tha magic of turnin things inta other things. Insteada disposin of it all proper like, my idiot spawn Jon was a wee bit lazy, an dumped it all out in ta garten, which had the unfortunate side affect of turning you from a lovely lil rose bush into this her young woman ya are now."

The youngest child also tried to show the woman how to eat some of the bread that they had made the day before. It was a bit of a challenge to be sure, but there was also something so special and delicious and amazing about the texture, the feel, and the taste of the bread that she had never before experienced.

"Right. This here potion to put ya back is going ta take a few hours or so. Wanna make good use of those legs yer got there and see the world outside tha garten?"

The woman who was once a flower was intrigued by the idea of the world beyond what her limited perceptions could see in her normal form. She agreed, and following the older man she followed him out of the house and beyond the realm of the garden that she had spent all of her life in.

The world outside the house and the garden was vast and strange and so deeply interesting. The trees were all different and interesting! There were more birds and squirrels and other things that she never could have imagined existing outside after she walked for just a little bit.

There was a small river with fish! They walked across a waterfall! They saw things of so many different colors! They even saw the man's neighbor who spoke loudly and with a strange accent that the woman could barely understand. The man had a horse with him that was so large and beautiful that if she was still a flower she would have been terrified of being trampled.

"The world is so beautiful," she remarked to the man as they walked back towards the cottage.

"Aye, it is. But it's also dangerous and strange and violent sumtimes. There's a great beauty out there. But also great pain."

"What if I didn't want to go back to being a flower?"

The man sighed, resting his hands in his pockets. "Aye. Well we could leave ya be. Teach ya how to live, to survive. Bein a human is hard. Ya can't just feed off tha sun, live off tha rain. There's work ya gotta do to live. It's hard."

He paused for a long time.

"The longer ya stay a human or a bird or whatever ya like, the harder it is ta go back. After a time ya can't go back. Ya saw more than you would have as a plant, aye, that's true. But with all tha good comes all tha bad. You love tha people you love, sometimes they leave, sometimes you leave. Sometimes nothing much happens but change occurs and ya aren't the same person they loved so much. With tha heat comes tha burning. With tha cold comes tha freezing. Ya grow, ya age, ya eventually die. It's not something I wanna put on you, just because ya saw some pretty nature outside yer little plot. Bein human ain't nothing I wanna put on another bein if they got a choice in the matter."

"So what is going to happen to me?"

"I think... I think... we're gonna put ya back. I think it's fer the best. And if ya still dream of bein a person, the next time we make some potion we'll save some fer ya and turn ya back." There was a long silence as they approached the house and the familiar garden. "It's always easy to see tha new and tha excitin as the best thing, but I wouldn't wantta ta make the choice without knowin how good yer old life will feel when ya return to the dirt."

"Yes, I can see how that would be nice."

"If ya'd like I can put ya in the house, so you can be close by and watch er whatever ya do."

"I think I'd like that. Thank you for everything. You didn't have to do any of this to help me. But I appreciate it."

"Of course," the man said. "Now let's get ya back."

"I hope it won't be too long before I see you again."

"If you come back, we'll be happy ta have ya again."

After the potion was administered and the woman returned to being a rose bush once more, the man worked on replanting her in a large pot.

"If you come back and fall in love wit either of me sons I'm gonna have ta turn ya right back inta a plant. Can't have this nonsense happenin again."

i have a kofi

[akookminsupporter]

Hi Rosie! This will be a very random question and not related to jikook but I really respect you and love your blog so I wanted to ask. I'm currently writing my thesis and I have a little over a month to finish it... I'm like halfway done with it, however this past week I was unable to just sit down to continue it. I lost all my motivation, I have no energy to do this, I'm never in the mood etc. I was just watching random youtube videos all week or baking lol or helping my parents. Anything but writing my thesis which should be my no1 priority. I was hoping that by the end of the week (which is now) I could get back into it because I thought I was bordering on a burn out so in the beginning of the week I wasn't that concerned with me ditching the thesis and just binging random videos... But now it worries me lol I really want get back into it because I have to finish it obviously and I just want to be done with it. (Me finishing this paper does not equal finishing university because I still have a big end exam to do!) But I just can't... I don't know, I still have no motivation, not in the mood... I tried forcing myself yesterday to write a page or two but I lost my focus so quickly... And i hate myself lol Why can't I just finish it... Idk, do you have any tips or anything on what I could do? :( Considering I'm halfway through, I can't really afford any more long breaks like this, I'd really need to get back into it :(

Hi, anon, how are you?

I am humbled that you want to hear or read my opinion on something so personal, thank you.

I totally understand the academic dilemma you are in; I think many can relate to you on that as well. Unfortunately, it's something that happens a lot and it's annoying because you just want to get it over with quickly but your brain doesn't cooperate.

First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. It's not really your fault, what's happening to you is quite normal. And honestly, it's almost expected when someone is doing their thesis hahahah.

I would recommend you to do several things:

Review what you've done so far. Not to necessarily continue but to see the progress you've made. Understand again why you chose that topic for your thesis, and how you have developed it so far.  It is simply to admire how far you have come. Perhaps as you do that, as you remember why and what you are doing your thesis on, the inspiration will return. If it doesn't, that's OK too.

 Something you could also do is pretend that you are just starting your thesis, obviously on the same topic but pretend that you are at the stage of planning how you will tackle it. Try to make a sort of list of the points you will make, how you will develop them and in general how you will argue your thesis. Don't think about what you have done, not exactly at least but imagine what you will do. Maybe seeing it from that perspective will help. 

 Forget for a few days about the thesis. Even though you already did it, you did it with the mindset that you had to finish the thesis, so you didn't really get away from it for a few days aajaj. Save your progress. Put away the books or material you are using for your thesis and rest. Rest your body but especially your mind for a few days. Entertain it with some hobby you have. Feed it maybe with other things, other subjects. After a few days of real rest, go back to your thesis, I am almost sure your inspiration will have returned.

The most important thing is that you relax, that you don't be so hard on yourself. Don't despair or question your work because you have done well so far, you are doing well. And I am sure you will finish your thesis soon and it will be amazing. I wish you all the best in your final exam. I am sure you will soon finish your thesis and I hope you will come back to tell us that you are graduating soon. I am proud of you, anon.

FIGHTING!

[polandspringz]

I cannot express how much the Hidden Inventory arc has me in a chokehold

I've said it before, I'm not a real fan of JJK. I feel the same way about this series as I do about CSM- I love it artistically, I see the craft put into the manga as an artform itself (through the sequencing of the panels, the decisions in terms of angles) and thematically, I love it. However, I just don't like it because the series is a bit too nihilistic for me, or just a bit too dark for my tastes, and couple that with my constant mixed feelings on MAPPA- not wanting to support them for their working conditions despite the beautiful work they put out- and you get a general gist of why I will say I don't like JJK. I won't get more into the little other things because I did that before and I got a lot of replies on that post, so we'll get back to the point of this post.

However, Hidden Inventory has me in chokehold. And I know exactly why.

As a joke I said to my sister when I finally sat down to force myself to watch it (after I had already tried to watch S2 E1 after it aired and failed, and after I had seen a spoiler on Twitter for the fake-out scene with Geto and Riko), I made the joke "If the thing that gets me into JJK is some yaoi bait between Gojo and Geto then I'll-" and unfortunately, it was Gojo and Geto's arc that made me more interested in JJK. While my yaoi bait thing was a joke, I cannot lie that the angst of Gojo and Geto's dynamic was what made me more interested.

However, what had really been drawing me back into JJK was the choice in music, specifically the new opening. MAPPA keeps hitting it out of the park with their music choices for these adaptions. I'm still not over "Give it Back" and it's visuals being about everything Yuji missed out on/lost while having to pretend to be dead. And now the official Shounen Jump page made a video of Geto and Gojo with the Give it Back song playing and I-

This post is really just me rambling with no point to it, but Tatsuya Kitani's "Where Our Blue is" has been hitting me hard for weeks even before I finally read a translation of the lyrics yesterday. The lyrics talking about "Our Blue", and in the series Gojo demonstrating how the Jujutsu sorcerer's power is represented by "blue" while cursed energy is "red" and then of course Gojo has his "purple" ability. The way that "blue" is often used to describe youth or associated with youth in Japanese culture because of the kanji's use in the word seishun. The visuals of the opening being about all the moments of Gojo and Geto's high school days we don't actually see because we are dropped into the past in media res as everything collapses. We only get to watch the crumbling, the destruction, we don't get those good moments but we still feel it. We still feel how tragic it is this friendship, this relationship being torn to shreds. Feel how deeply these two care for each other, how one goes down a horrible path with no remorse while the other can only watch in horror.

The irony here is that, and I'm sure other people may have expressed this sentiment already, Gege Akutami is that good of a writer that I would have LOVED if JJK was actually completely focused on Gojo and Geto before introducing Yuji and Megumi and Nobara. How in a typical series that we would have started out with this flashback or how Gojo would usually be the main character instead and then the series would be reframed around his mentorship of the characters and trying to fix what was lost by his mistakes, but instead it's not about that. It's a side note, important background information but not the focus. And that just makes it more powerful because it just makes me long for more. It makes me want more of a slow burn, more of it visualized in the text where we see Geto and Gojo meet and be friends and then everything fall apart in the end. But at the same time, we have the iceberg theory with writing. The writing is strong enough that we don't need to actually spend time on any of that, the pain of this loss is expressed even in the short time we spend in this memory of these characters. The subtleties in the writing that only hint at or show glimpses of what we had do enough to establish their friendship before it is ripped apart before the audience's eyes. It's beautiful.

And the opening's lyrics only add to this. The way the song is clearly from Gojo's perspective, the idea of him saying that "their blue still lives", their youth, their memories, their ideology and dreams before everything went wrong, it's still alive. It's still clear. Gojo knows what he must do. Even if no prayer or word could reach Geto, Gojo will keep going. When they went their separate ways, Gojo was too confused and horrified to stop Geto, too attached to turn him in knowing that only death awaited him, he wanted to still believe that they could turn things around. The unvoiced voice says "We'll see each other again, won't we?" I also have felt that the song can also be interpreted to be about Riko who died too soon, specifically whenever I hear the lyrics "To you, who bloomed and fell away as a fruitless flower". And on a personal note, I have always loved the word play in Japanese on the main lyrics, how the singer uses two different phrases although they sound, very, very similar. The "our blue still lives"/[ima demo, ao ga sundeiru] and "Our blue is still clear"/[ima demo, ao wa sundeiru] is the main thing that kept me so latched onto this song even when I was not actually watching the show. Every choice in the lyrics of this song have destroyed me and drawn me back into this series, because it makes me want to believe that things will be fixed and that there is hope, even though I know there is none. The song gives off the feeling of this being the final farewell, of Gojo singing these thoughts even after Geto has died, almost to reassure himself that their blue is still alive, that he will carry on the will. It's wistful, its painful. It's beautiful. I love it.

[aonoexpat]

Feeling untethered

12-05-2023

I'm long overdue for a blog update, I'm going to be honest: I've had a really rough couple of weeks, and I've simultaneously been wanting to wait until it's over and I'm feeling better so I can give y'all positive texts and happy pictures, and to write an honest and open update but feeling too low to actually sit down and do it. I'm not entirely sure where I'm at right now headspace-wise, but I'm gonna give it a try!

The common denominator over the past weeks is that I've been feeling tired and depleted. I'm leaking energy and unable to refill it quickly enough, due to a couple of reasons:

Work/money 💸 : I work about 25 hours a week, divided over both a bartending and a catering job. Beside that I try to go busking twice a week. Even though I enjoy all three of those things most of the time, I can't deny that they are tiring. Especially the catering job, since the service they aim to provide is a bit more high-end. And even though I clearly need my down time, I constantly feel like I'm not working enough. That road trip wasn't cheap, and, having been brought up Dutch, I felt (and still feel, frankly) the need to replenish my funds asap, which is hard to do when 1 grocery run of a couple of essentials costs me a day's wages, and my weekly(!) rent is $165, excluding power etc. That brings my monthly rent to ~$719, which equals about €417, and that's only because the Aotearoa Dollar isn't doing great at the moment. It's worth noting this is by far the cheapest room I could find (anything under $200 a week is a steal). Te Whanganui-a-tara is generally not a cheap place to live. Every time I feel like I'm gaining some ground financially, something comes up, like a broken amp for busking that needs replacement, or a week of few work shifts. I haven't managed to break even since I got to the country. I'm hoping I might manage this month, but I'm nowhere near saving any substantial amount.

Living situation 🏠 : my new living space is much closer to everything, which saves me time energy and money in bus fares, but it's not a house I'd call home, unfortunately. My flatmates are messy and unorganised (which, as I have learned today, attracts pests), and often fail to understand that loud noises (like them throwing up in the bathroom at 03:30 AM) aren't magically stopped by a half-closed door. I tend to be on edge when I'm home, which makes relaxing and re-energising a challenge. I try to make myself feel better by burning some incense and listening to music (nostalgic Dutch music if I can help it) with my noise cancelling headphones, which helps me feel more isolated and safe, but it's not a long-term solution.

Reflection 🪞 : being back in Te Whanganui-a-tara, I've gone right back to hanging out with settled people, even though I had a reminder of what it's like to chill with other travelers in Tāmaki-makau-rau. I don't really have as easy a way to get in touch with them here because I'm not staying in a backpackers. Because of that I think I've slipped into a strange limbo state of trying to feel at home here, and being bothered by failing at that, while simultaneously planning to get out of here. I find myself trying to build a life here as though I was in The Netherlands, and then realising that's not why I came here, and beating myself up about not making the most of my time here. Even though I did come here with the question in mind if this place could be home, so I should be evaluating that. But I'm pretty certain Te Whanganui-a-tara will not be home. So I tell myself to get out of here, but to do that I want to save up money, so for now I have to stay (though I'm starting to think I might be falling victim to a sunk-cost fallacy there). Besides that, my brain has just gotten moderately comfortable again in a new place, and is reluctant to mess everything up all over again. It's like when I left home I dipped my toes in the cold water of being on the road, traveling and the discomfort that comes with it, and then once I got here I quickly pulled back and said no, actually, this place is warm enough. But that won't do. It's interesting to observe though, and all the thoughts that come along with it. I'm having existential crises and revelations on the daily about what I want in my life, and realisations about what's important to me. I never used to have that back home. I did experience it on my last backpacking trip, but it's different this time. Last time I still had a clear path to return to: when the trip was over, I'd go to uni back home. Now, my future is one big question mark (not even talking about all the large scale societal threats). These questions and ponderings are a large reason why I wanted to go travel in the first place. But by god, it's exhausting. And scary.

I miss my family and my friends, I've started to realise how utterly alone I can feel here. I'm doing everything on my own, I'm dragging myself to work every day, I push myself to go out there and play music, I pick myself up when I'm a crying mess on the floor, I cook for myself, and I motivate myself to keep going, to evaluate what I want, and to find the next right thing. And sometimes I forget that that takes a toll on a person. I'm in an unfamiliar environment, with unfamiliar people, a whole new political climate, a different culture that undeniably has its own challenges, no matter how idyllic Aotearoa can seem from a distance.

And I'm actually goddamn proud of that. I'm strong. Because despite all of my challenges, I'm staying on top of everything. I'm never late for work, I answer all my emails, I pay weekly visits to the bank to exchange my busking coin, and I do my laundry. Go me 💪

So. What now?

I've been quite eager to find somebody to travel together with. I know public transport is very limited here, so traveling by car is pretty much a must. I am personally very uncomfortable in a car though, so I'm a bit defiant to give in. Driving is not my style, let alone flying short distances, and I feel like I would be able to get around without either of those. And I probably would, but it would make things a lot more difficult, that I can't deny. So if I have to drive, I would definitely prefer to have a travel buddy, so when the car breaks down we can panic together.

However, the other day a coworker asked me how I feel about traveling alone, and I told them I loved it. It's my favourite way to travel because you get to choose your own path and don't need to care about anybody else's plans… and then I realised I wasn't actually doing any of those things, and finding a travel buddy would completely defeat the purpose. A while back, I wrote an entry in my personal diary saying "I don't want to live in a city, I want a van with the back door opening to a sunset and a pillow and a cup of tea." So after talking to my friend yesterday, I did a full 180 and suddenly set my sights on trying to procure a van for myself. And even though it scares the absolute shit out of me to the point where the thought actually makes me cry, it also looks 100 times sunnier (metaphorically, it's 100% winter over here) in my mind than any of my previous plans. Only now I'm realising that my plan of getting a rideshare to the next town and doing the same thing there actually made me dream about going back home. And that's not the way I want to feel.

The past days I've felt sick so I've allowed myself to lie in bed and rest up (dw, covid test came back negative), but the coming week I'll hopefully actively start the hunt. My mind still swings back and forth between 'driving around in a van is an absolute dream' and 'driving around in a van is my worst nightmare', so I'm just letting it swing and I'll see where it lands, I suppose!

I've needed the past month to figure myself out. It's funny how, looking back, it feels like I've been wasting time here. Now that I have a bit of an idea of a next step, it's easy to forget what it was like not to know, and it seems like I've been making the wrong choices by letting myself get tired and depleted and have not the best time here. But rationally I know that every day I've spent here has been necessary to get me to where I am now. It's just like when I'm sick and I spend a day resting, and then I feel better, and it seems like there was no reason why I couldn't have been productive that day. But the rest is an essential part of the process, as much as perfectionism tries to deny that. So I'm giving myself positive affirmations and biding my time (and basking in Eurovision distractions 🤩) until I feel energised again!

Some happier notes because I can't help it:

Like I mentioned, the amp I used for busking broke so I needed to get a new one, and opted for the Vox Mini3 G2. It's a kilo lighter and almost twice as small as my old one, which has ultimately made my busking experience a lot nicer!

I made a necklace out of the pumice and sand from the beach of Taupō-nui-a-Tia and I'm actually really happy with how it turned out:

I paid another visit to Zealandia and got a closer look at the Takah��, I'm BEGGING you to turn the sound on and hear the little noises they make:

We went to Red Rocks at night to see the Southern lights, but they weren't visible with the naked eye. My friend's camera captured this though:

I'm off to bed now, I have another long day of work waiting for me tomorrow. Thanks for bearing with me ❤️

[windvexer]

Hello dear, I've got a bit of a question I'm too afraid to ask but please feel free to discard this if it's tmi.

I would like to practice witchcraft more but I am always struggling with fatigue and lack of focus (I've been mentally ill but I am going to therapy so that's alright) and I fear it might impact the effectiveness and the power of my spells. This leads me to learn about witchcraft and lore more through books than acting in the field... When I manage to do a tarot reading or simple spell I struggle to even write down what I did to keep track of progress... What am I supposed to do? Is there a way to overcome this? Should I just wait it out until I am fully recovered?

Hi there :)

Sorry I sat on this so long. I think your question is very important and I wanted to do it justice. I started out trying to cram in a ton of info on low-spoons note keeping, but I think that was wrong of me. I think my real feelings about your question lead me elsewhere (and I have a post or two planned on low-spoons note taking if you feel such would be helpful to you).

The short answer is: only you can really tell what you are supposed to do. But I want to encourage you to not give up on witchcraft at this time. As long as it is not a disruption to your health and healing, you shouldn't feel as if you aren't good enough for it.

What I see you saying, and I apologize if I misinterpret, is that you want to engage with witchcraft, and you do sometimes engage with it when your health allows; but you are feeling discouraged because this is important to you, and you observe yourself not being able to follow the golden standard other witches often put forth.

I also see that you seem to be concerned with the effectiveness of your sorcery, which depending on whom you ask, is only one aspect of witchcraft as a whole :)

Keeping track of progress isn't necessary in witchcraft. Don't get me wrong, I support it; I often laud its virtues. But it was not so long ago in the world that most people couldn't keep records of spells and readings; they couldn't write, or it would be dangerous to do so - and such things are still dangerous or impossible in many places today. It is a ridiculous notion that the only witches who make good progress in their craft are those with the privilege and ability to take detailed notes on all their spells.

It is also a ridiculous notion that the only witches who make good process are those who are able to cast spells all the time. It is in fact my experience that most adept witches cast spells uncommonly; I'd wager they do it less often than beginners. How then they do they keep progressing and advancing?

I myself am an avid diviner. I love reading tarot. I often must put it down for weeks or months at a time. The seasons of my life turn. Sometimes, tarot isn't right for me. Sometimes, no divination is. This can be because I'm burned out, or low on energy, or for any number of reasons - and when I feel that way, I turn to other things. Like studying and reading :)

Witchcraft is often defined as being a skill, or set of skills, I think because that is the only part of it so easy to define and discuss. If you want to be strong and powerful in sorcery, your skills will improve and you will make progress regardless of how many notes you are able to take. Do not feel as if you must take records in order to progress. Records don't make you progress. Practice and study do.

Don't be so hard on yourself about mostly having the energy to read and learn. Many veterans of witchcraft wish, wish, wish more people would read books, study, and learn outside of active practice. This may be a season in your life where you are most attuned to that level of development. Who knows, when you have more energy, you may not want to sit down and read at all. Why not capitalize on it now?

Be quicker to discount golden standards. Many of them, including those I myself have unfortunately promoted in the past, are rampant with ableism. Many of them are idealized. I have my suspicions as to how many witches actually follow their own intense programs of learning they suggest to others.

If witchcraft is right for you, practice it. If keeping records or other energy-absorbing details are important for you, why not start them at a future date when it's easier for you to do so? There is no reason why you can't enjoy the benefits of spells and divination now, even if you may not remember it in the future.

And although sorcery and divination are the most often discussed aspects of witchcraft, they are not the only aspects. Your period of research will serve you very well :) Do not feel as if you are not a real witch if you don't have astoundingly powerful spells or amazing divination at this time. It took me years to be able to read tarot. It took me years to be able to cast a spell with any real results. Your interest in witchcraft is all that is required for you to sustain your practice - nobody is coming for your witch card if you can't produce results in this moment.

[kai-writes-fan-fiction]

Hey besties! I need your help! First off, I need some requests! Secondly, I need a name for my fan base. But moving onto the good stuff, part 3 is finished and I’m so proud of it. I’m so thankful to have such an amazing audience. Thanks to anyone that reads!!

Word count: 1150

Warnings: Talk of syringes, a few cuss words, restraining, mentions of child abuse/ neglect, and Loki being an ass. (Nothing against him, I love Loki.)

Please excuse any typos/spelling/grammatical errors I wrote this during a lecture at school :p

In Hiding, part 3/?

Parts one and two links:

You were finally out of the compound, and you were running faster than you ever had. You climbed up countless trees and jumped from branch to branch, just trying to get as far away from the compound as you could. You didn’t know where you were and had no way of finding your way back to New York City.

——————————

It’s been 3 hours of constant running. At least you think it’s been 3 hours… You’ve finally found a tree to rest in. You shift into a stick to blend in. Unfortunately, you are a blue stick, but you were too tired to care.

Slowly, you drifted off into a deep slumber

—————Avengers POV—————

“We’re not stupid; she’s got a tracker. She’s stopped about 5 miles Northeast.” Bruce announces to the team.

“So when do we get her?” Natasha wonders aloud.

“I’m thinking night; the sun sets in about 2 hours…” Steve replies.

“It’s when she’ll least expect it,” Buck adds.

“Since she’s been running nonstop for about 3 hours, she’s probably asleep. We should go now, so she doesn’t wake before nightfall.” Says Tony.

“I don’t know, Tony. She’s probably pretty tuckered out. It’ll be harder for her to attack in the dark.” Natasha counters.

“She’s a shapeshifter; the kid probably has night-vision or something.” Tony murmurs.

“He's got a point, guys,” Bruce notes.

“We’ll take a vote. Say “aye” to go now, “nay” to go at night.” Steve says. “All in favor of now?”

“Aye,” Tony.

“Aye, ” Bruce.

“Aye, ” Loki.

“Aye, ” Peter.

“Aye, ” Wanda.

“Aye, ” Vision.

“Aye, ” Thor.

“That everyone?” Steve questions. A few nods are the reply. “Ok, how about people who think we should go at night?”

“Nay, ” Natasha.

“Nay, ” Clint.

“Nay, ” Steve.

“Nay, ” Bucky.

“Ha! We're going now. You all have 3 minutes to get what you need. Meet on the Quinjet.” Tony announces.

Clint moans but turns to get his things.

“You sure we got her this time?” Bruce asks Tony, turning to him.

“Now we know what she can do. The kid’s powerful, but there's one of her and ten of us. She's also asleep; we've got the upper hand.”

“But she can-”

“We’ll be fine.”

—————Your POV—————

Flashback Dream

You were five again and back with HYDRA, tied to a chair, various syringes with God only knows what inside to your right.

You were trying to get away; you struggled against the grip of the ropes, but, to no avail, you weren't getting anywhere.

In walked three men, dressed in white lab coats. One was gruff and bald, the 2nd was taller and buff, the last man, was short and plump and cowered behind the other two.

“This is her? She's smaller than I hoped. I doubt she’ll survive.” One spoke loudly.

Not survive what? Tears began to drip down your face.

“I hate children.” Another one of them hissed before swiftly stepping forward and slapping you. “Shut up, vermin.” He seethed.

You stopped crying and whimpered.

“Weak.” The first man jeered.

“The first dose is ready, sir.” The 3rd man whispered.

“I’m excited to see what it does!” The 2nd man grabbed one of the syringes and forced it into your arm.

Almost immediately, you felt a burning sensation; white stars clouded your vision, and your entire body began to tingle, and then your eyesight was gone.

Startled awake, you found yourself face to face with Loki again.

“Hello there.” He grinned.

Frightened, you fell from your tree-top perch. You hit the ground with a thud, and were met by nine more faces, who you noted were more avengers. You were so screwed.

As fast as you could, you created clones and shifted them into the people before you.

“That’s not going to work this time!” Loki called down from the tree.

Clint hastily shot all of your clones, and you were left defenseless, but you weren’t about to give up. You tried to shift into an ant to hide, but you couldn’t turn. Damn it! They had predicted your every move. You were a goner.

You were paralyzed, not by Loki but by fear. You began to shake violently and cry. This is where it all ended.

“Uhhhhh… kid?” Tony calls out to you, lifting his mask. “You good?”

You continued to cry; you wouldn't dare speak.

“Grab her..?” Wanda suggests, pointing at you.

“Oh. Uh, yeah.” Steve steps towards you.

You attempt to wither away, but you are frozen. You continue to shake; sobs rack your body.

You're picked up bridal style by Steve and carried back to the Quinjet. You're limp in his arms and quiet, tears stain your cheeks, and your eyes are bright red.

“Finally, she stopped crying. It was annoying.” Bucky jeers.

“She, a kid! Don't be so insensitive.” Wanda retorts.

You're legs and hands are cuffed once more, and you're strapped tightly into a seat.

You've regained all of your senses, and now you're angry. Angry at yourself for letting this happen, angry at the Avengers for capturing you, especially angry at HYDRA for making you like this, and mad at your parents for selling you to evil people.

Thinking about it, you're infuriated. A spark is a newfound spark that ignites inside of you, and suddenly you're growling lowly.

Ten faces turn to you and stare. You lift your head and bear fangs. It took all of your energy to fight against Lokis's magic and shift even such a small part of yourself.

“You don’t give up, huh? Foolish.” Loki looks up at you and grins. “Oh well, all the more fun for me!” He taunts.

Your restraints are tightened, and your fangs dissolve in your mouth. Loki gets up and moves towards you.

“Giving up now, foolish girl?” He says as he grabs your jaw and jerks your face up, forcing your eyes to meet his.

In response, you narrow your eyes. The restraints tighten even more, and you're beginning to have trouble breathing.

“That's enough, Loki,” Thor yells from his seat. “Sit down.”

Loki looks up from you, rolls his eyes, but lets go of you. He looks back down to you as he's walking away, smirks, and loosens your restraints. You heave as you try to regain your breath, and the Avengers stare at you.

You're angered once more, but now you know the repercussions. You’re really fucked now.

“It’s going to be 30 more minutes!” Steve calls from the front of the jet.

30 minutes until the rest of your life is decided. Better savor them, as they may be your last. Wondering what happens next? You’ll have to read part 4, hopefully coming out tomorrow!

Thanks again for all the support, I’m so happy I get the privilege to write for such an amazing and kind audience! My requests are still open, and I really, really need people to send in requests. Thanks again, everyone! Have an amazing night/day and thanks for reading!!

Taglist:

@sweetpeaflower01 @kinny-away @mangobangi @oakiedokie @moonbaejpeg @coollemonsaresour @screechingshepherddeputygoth @cumulonimbus34

[julyarchives]

Oblivious

→ A/n: Yanan x Reader

→ Genre: Fluff

→ Words:  1.3K

→ A/n: This story was just so sweet to write, our hearts are beating fast for Yanan 🥺 Thank you so much for requesting this, we hope you like our story 💕

There are days that your job is everything you've ever asked for, but there are also days where you just wanted to go home and not get out of bed for the next 36 hours. Unfortunately, today was one of the latter.

Having to deal with people is always stressful to you, especially when they are rude to you for things that are out of your control, and that just drained your energy for the rest of the day.

Yanan was already at your apartment when you arrived, waiting for you with your favorite food and a bright smile.

"I thought you could use some comfort food today" he said, shrugging shyly.

"Thank God I gave you my spare key" you hugged him dramatically.

As usual, you had texted him all day, complaining about everything that happened, but you certainly didn't expect for him.to do this for you. Nevertheless, your mood already improved a million percent.

"I also added a few rom-coms to your Netflix list so we can watch while eating the ice cream I bought for dessert." He wiggled his eyebrows, making you laugh softly.

"Seriously, I don't deserve you" you kissed his cheek with an exaggerated noise.

Yanan is undoubtedly great at making you forget any problems you are having, so by the end of dinner, you were already having so much fun that you didn't even remember what you were upset about.

You watched the movie in bed, sitting under cozy blankets and stuffing your mouth with big chunks of chocolate ice cream.

"Life could be this easy, you know?" You whined, leaning your head on his shoulders.

"Like what? A romantic comedy?" He laughed at your drama.

"I mean it!" You slapped his arm lightly "she gets a nice job and a nice boyfriend! Is it so bad that I want that?" You pouted.

"Well, you do love your job, today was just a bad day." He caressed your head softly,

"I know" you sat up straight "what about a boyfriend, though? No guys want anything to do with me"

"Ah, that's easy" he paused and looked deep into your eyes "you already have me"

You stared at him completely panicked, your cheeks probably burning red.

Yanan has been your best friend for years already, and it's not news to you that you have feelings for him. For quite a while, actually, you noticed that you get a different kind of nervousness next to him. The jealousy you felt when he dated someone was not the friend-jealous type, and you definitely felt attracted to him.

So when he said that you didn't need a boyfriend, you were afraid he somehow found out about your feelings for him.

"What do you mean?" You laughed nervously

"Think about it" he smiled charmingly, the way you knew he did when he was trying to convince someone of something. "We are great together, aren't we?"

"I guess?" You furrowed your eyebrows, not really getting his point.

"We have known each other forever. You know me better than anyone, and I do you. I know everything you love and hate, and I can spoil you better than anyone. Besides, we are basically a couple, aren't we? Look at us!."

You felt so nervous that your heart felt like it might jump off of your throat

"Yeah, but-" you tried to say something, but he continued

"We are always together, and honestly when I have an awful day, all I wanna do is call you for comfort. Not to mention how we are always in sync!".

Yanan watched you with a soft smile while your mouth hung open and your chest heaved. It wasn't possible that he said all those things without knowing about your feelings but yet, there was no way he could know. If he spoke all of that, it meant that he felt that way and you felt a warm fuzzy feeling in your chest, your stomach doing flips of nervousness.

"I agree", you smiled at him, only to see his eyes lit up and his smile widened. "But about when you find a girl? I'll be alone with my romcoms and ice cream", you laughed at your own awful state.

"No", Yanan suddenly got serious and sat straight, hand moving your hair from your face. "I don't think that'll happen".

"Ha. As if", you moved until you felt Yanan's shoulder behind your back, his arm immediately holding your shoulder, all subconsciously. "You're an incredibly nice guy, charming and funny, and so handsome. In no time a girl will steal your heart".

"Actually, that already happened", he answered, still facing you.

Your face fell. You were already staring ahead and were thankful for that. Of course, he'd be in love with someone already. Everything he just spoke was all about your amazing friendship and you were the one delusional.

"But", Yanan made sure you looked at him. "I just told you that when I find the girl for me, you wouldn't be alone with your movies and ice cream".

"That's because you're too nice-", you barely had time to finish when he cut you off.

"That's because the girl is you".

"Wait, what?" You blinked a couple of times

"Geez, you're so dense." He laughed fondly. "But yeah, all I was trying to say is that I have feelings for you. More than friendship feelings. And I think I got to a point where I can't just stand next to you and not say anything about it."

He suddenly looked shy, but so precious that you just wanted to grab him and kiss him.

"I have been trying to come up with a way to tell you that I fell in love with you for ages, I guess now would be a good time to confess?" You chuckled

"I guess, yeah" he laughed shyly "why didn't you say something before?"

"Our friendship is the most important thing in my life, and I didn't want to risk losing that. I didn't want to risk losing you."

"You would never lose me, y/n" his free hand held yours gently

"And what does this mean for us?" You asked, suddenly feeling timid whilst his presence filled the whole room with his confidence

"Now I have to ask officially." He released his embrace on you, getting up and gently pulling you to stand in front of him. He looked into your eyes and opened the most charming smile. "Y/n, we've always been best friends, and for a while, I thought I was the luckiest man alive for that. But over the years you taught me that I can not predict anything when it comes to you. You're always changing and you make me change with you. You make me a better person every day and now I'm only missing one thing to actually be the luckiest. Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

You couldn't find words since Yanan stole all of them from you. Your head was overflowing with emotions, and all you managed to answer was a nod, and the next thing you knew, Yanan's lips found yours.

His tender embrace on you made every muscle on your body relax and you gave yourself completely to him. You never thought this day would come, but kissing him was better than anything you've ever fantasized about. You knew now that there was no going back, you would not be able to hold any of these feelings to yourself.

You pulled apart and he cupped your cheek, caressing your face with his thumb while you two smiled fondly at each other, giggling like two teenagers.

"If I had known that a bad day at work would be what it takes for us to date, I would have found a reason to have one way sooner" you joked.

"That sounds like something out of a rom-com, are you happy now?" He pushed you on the bed and started tickling you, making you squeal and squirm under him.

When he finally stopped, he soothed you with a shy peck to your lips.

You just couldn't stop smiling, and Yanan's face mirrored yours. You felt grateful and finally, you could admit to yourself out loud.

"Much happier now"

[acklesterritory]

That Kind of Love Never Dies_Chapter 1

Hey guys, Now that more voted to split my fictions in 2 parts, I'm back with the first part. I hope you like it. Don't forget to leave me feedbacks. I'll always appreciate them. Love you all.

This is for writing event @tvdspngirl314

My quote is "That kind of love never dies"

Dean x Reader series (just 2 parts)

This chapter words: ~5k

Series warning:

Angst, fluf, smut, angry Dean, hurt Reader, hurt Dean, there's some more but I hate spoilers so I insist on "Angst & Hurt"

It all started with a stupid argument at home. What was it? Three months ago? Sam couldn't remember the exact date but after years, it was the first time this awkward coldness between Dean and Y/n had started to build. He could remember the first time he and his brother came across Y/n like it was yesterday, they were hunting a very nasty creature who used to kidnap young and lonely women at night, then got them wrapped in ropes and ties on a bed in a warehouse to rape, torture and feed on their blood until the victim either died or accepted to turn into one of his kind.

Sam could remember the helplessness in people's eyes too. The pain of the victims' families, the frustration and anger on cops' faces when no one could find the criminal yet, even after the sixth missing girl.

"Sammy, he just kidnapped another girl. And I think I know where he's gonna take her. Let's hunt this son of a bitch."

When Dean was saying that, Sam never expected him to fall in love with the woman they would save that night. Well, unfortunately they weren't fast enough to prevent any harm to the girl. When they arrived and Dean killed the nasty creature, Y/n was almost dead. The monster had already raped her, tortured her … and when he felt the hunters enter the place, he drank almost all of her blood, to gain more energy to fight. So as always, Dean was up to blaming himself. Of course only in his own eyes, not anyone else's.

"Call Cas to come home. Tell him it's an emergency."

Dean told his brother when he finally could get Y/n out of those ropes. And Sam knew he was right. At that point, no one could save Y/n unless God or his angels. Maybe she was not so lucky coming across a nasty supernatural creature like that but she was lucky enough that Cas arrived just on time and healed her. However, angels can only heal physical wounds. But Y/n was hurt much more than that. She couldn't just move on from the things that the bastard had put her through. Even after Cas tricked her brain to forget some certain things, she still had bad nightmares and had this dark shade of hopelessness in her eyes. Soon, she started to eat and talk less and less. And Dean just couldn't let her go. He really wanted to fix all of that for her but she kept shutting him out… until the depression hit her. It was so bad that Cas felt the need to tell them to prepare themselves for her death. Because after all those days and unlike everything else in their lives, The Winchesters were already used to her presence around them; like the way a lonely person can get used to a wounded cat more and faster than anyone else.

"I'm not gonna hunt until I'm sure she can live her normal life." When Dean stated that, Sam really thought he was joking. But after a few days he started to believe it. Dean truly would do anything to keep her alive. From cooking vegetables to laughing at his own dad jokes in front of Y/n to make her smile. That was when Sam started to feel that they can be more than a random hunter/rescued victim relationship! It felt like his brother had finally found his motivation in life: "Saving Y/n."

Gradually Y/n started to respond to this special attention from Dean with trust and smiles. Soon they became a power couple that could motivate each other so easily that sometimes Charlie would call them out. And honestly Sam had no problem with it. In fact Y/n had become his other sister.

"My God, Dean! You're burning up!" It was two day after a werewolf hunt in which Dean had got hurt. At first it was just some scratches on his arms and chest. Yet as the time passed, more symptoms started to appear: headache, pain, fever, cold sweat, even nose bleeding and before they could figure it out, Dean fell unconscious. Apparently the claws of the werewolf were poisonous. However Sam wasn't sure. The only thing he got no doubts about was the fact that it was already too late. Dean couldn't make it to the hospital. So either Sam had to do anything possible to save him or Cas should've picked up his God damn phone.

"No. no, no, no, no. Dean … Dean!!!"

That was when Sam got to hear Y/n's helpless cry and see her true feelings. She was already in love with his brother.

Luckily, unlike typical love stories; no one died that night. Sam's antidote worked. And Dean opened his eyes an hour later.

"Sammy … Y/n?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Y/n grabbed his face and put her thirsty lips on her beloved hunter's, letting the tears stream down on her face… and then his.

"Never do that again." She begged, breaking the kiss, her trembling hands holding Dean's face so she could look into his eyes.

Sam couldn't stop his smile remembering how cute they were. Y/n literally had Dean wrapped around her little finger, to the point he accepted to teach her how to hunt and soon she was part of their team too. Until … a few months ago. After two years of them being constantly close to each other, Sam could tell something was off when Dean started to go out without eating breakfast with Y/n. Of course she got suspicious after the third time and that was when their endless arguments started.

"Why don't you just tell me what's wrong?"

"Because nothing is wrong, Y/n."

Actually there was. Something was VERY wrong. Anyone could tell that just by the change in Dean's eyes whenever he wanted to look at Y/n. Day by day he was getting more quiet and cold. Now they didn't even eat pie together or watch movies late at night. And Sam couldn't ignore his brother being grumpy or drunk on hunts, not anymore.

"Ok man, I've had enough. You either tell me what's wrong with you or next time I won't make any excuses so you can leave Y/n out of our hunt plans. I'm serious, Dean, I'll tell her the truth." He finally said, when they were alone in the impala, on their way to do their next hunt.

"She wants more."

"More?"

"Yeah. Sometimes it's like she sees more in me. She thinks we can have a different life. There's no need for any saying, I can see it in her eyes whenever we accidentally come across some family at a diner that try to feed their kids or people's wedding photos whenever we go to talk with some witnesses or whoever during the research! Sometimes she even looks up wedding dresses or kid stuff on the net!" Dean blew his anger out of his nostrils and sighed, shaking his head.

"Wow." Sam couldn't find the proper word to say but he couldn't hide his surprised face either.

"What?" Dean gave him an annoyed look.

"I mean …" Sam chuckled. "… are you telling me you're actually angry with her for imagining the things you always dream about?!"

"Sam …"

"No, really. I'm just curious. What's wrong with you, man?" Sam asked genuinely, waiting for an answer.

"What's wrong with me?! You think something is wrong with me just because I'm the rational one in this relationship; who's actually able to see the difference between a dream and the reality?"

Yeah, anyone could take that earnest speech, but not Sam. He'd seen and knew enough about his brother.

"What's the reality? Aren't you and Y/N living that dream life already?"

"What?! No. No … that's not the same." Dean shook his head.

"Really? How is it not? It's been two years, Dean. You two are constantly with and/or around each other. Always worried when the other one is in trouble and still looking at one another like there is nothing in the world that can make you happy as much as this relationship. So … excuse me if I won't buy your pretty speech; man ." Sam said, Rolling his eyes.

"Ok, let's say you're right but ... is it gonna be like that forever? With all the supernatural crap that we have to take care of … and the constant danger and chaos in this hunter life we have… I …"

"You what?" Sam asked when Dean didn't finish his sentence. He was lost in his thoughts, staring at this unknown point in the depth of the road. Finally he blew out his despair.

"I just can't let her fall for the things I know I can't provide for her. It's not fair, Sammy. It's not fair to lock her up in this dark life with me just because she loves me … especially while I know there is a whole bright future out there waiting for her."

"Here we go, the old Dean's self-doubt" Sam thought to himself as he took a deep breath before finding the best words to wake his brother up from this nightmare

"Yeah, I know but I don't think it's your call. If Y/n wants to go to hell with you instead of living in heaven with someone else, it's her choice. Not your responsibility. Right?"

Dean shook his head while his lips curved up a little to fake a smile but he never answered or said anything about that conversation ever again. He kept his silence for like three weeks … until someone new showed up: "Gary Smith". A tall man with the most stylish haircut and the most perfect teeth and smile.

They saw him for the first time at their hangout bar, as the new bartender who almost jumped in Y/n's way as soon as they entered the bar.

"Oh my God, bunny! Is this really you?" He said, pulling her in his embrace. Like she was the long time missing piece of his beloved puzzle!

"Bonny? You're wrong. Her name is Y/n." Dean said, pretty annoyed by the way Gary tightened his arms around Y/n's little shoulders, making him chuckle.

"No, uh … it's just a nickname." Y/n said as soon as the guy let her go.

"Yeah, actually the most fitting nickname that I could think of. I mean … you have to agree. She got the most cute little ears in the world." The guy explained, chuckling and pulling on her little star earring. Well, if Sam wanted to be honest, he had to agree with him. He never paid any attention to it before but now that Gary mentioned it, he could tell Y/n's ears were truly small.

"I see … So … I guess this means you were close friends?" Dean said, already hating the way Y/n e's blushed with hearing her old nickname.

"Uh … well, no. Actually more than that." The guy grinned, ruffling his own hair while he was awkwardly laughing and looking at Y/n. Just like a proud embarrassed teen!

"We used to date." Y/n said.

*oh* Sam tried his best not to let that stupid grin sit on his lips but Dean's frown and his sudden heavy silence didn't let him do so.

"Yeah. We are kinda each other's first. Like … you know? prom date." The man added, giving Y/n a wink while Dean's gaze was still locked on his large arm around her shoulders.

"Yeah. It's been years, Gary."

"I know. But believe me, bunny. you still look the same." He said, bending to put a kiss on her right cheek.

Dean would kill him. Sam just knew that. Because his brother's eyes were already burning with jealousy.

"By the way, don't you wanna tell me who these gentlemen are ?" The guy asked Y/n, giving her his softest smile.

"Of course. This is Sam and this is Dean. My colleagues who are my friends now. I live in their place."

After they met, everything got even more complicated. Y/n, the girl who was still trying to get old-happy-days Dean back suddenly stopped whatever she used to do. No more complains, no waiting at nights to see Dean before going to bed, no more effort to get involved in hunts, no nothing. And despite what Dean had claimed before, it was making Dean even more frustrated. Day to day he and Y/n were getting colder towards each other and there was nothing he could do to fix it. That was what made him even more furious. Sam already knew all of that and he still had to live with both of those grumpy faces. So last night when they began to fight, he could see this was coming: Y/n left the bunker after Dean let some hurtful things out of his mouth, just because he didn't know how to deal with all the heartache anymore. He now was convinced that Y/n didn't love him anymore. Yet the next day after drinking whatever strong drink they had, he begged Sam to come with him. Apparently Jodie texted Dean about Y/n being in her place for that night. Just to make sure that her crazy step son won't sell his soul over a tracking spell! So Dean almost begged his brother to be there with him, cause Dean believed that as much as Y/n didn't care about him, she still respected Sam and cared about him. Like a little sister and her elder brother.

So here they were, In Jodie's living room, in front of her and Y/n.

"Considering your sleepy eyes, I think we caught you at bed time, huh?" Sam asked, checking Y/n's obvious eye bags.

"Who says that? I'm totally good, Sam."

She said with a small smile, looking much more in control and stronger than before. So Sam knew it was a lie. Y/n Just had made her peace with what had happened last night. The realization۹ kicked Dean in the gut. Y/n always used to be stronger and bolder when she got hurt.

"I'm gonna make some coffee for us. Why don't you guys take a seat till I come back?"

Jodie interrupted, to ease the heavy and sharp silence that suddenly had fallen over all of them.

Y/n gave her a smile.

"Of course."

It was so fake. Her smile didn't even curl her lips completely. She was still badly hurting.

Sam swore in his head when he looked over his brother who sank silently into the nearest seat at the end of the table like a broken shell that he was too . One of Dean's hands was in the pocket of his jacket, the other formed a fist on the table. Sam was sure Dean knew it too. He knew everything was almost past saving. "Almost". Sam tried to stick to their small chance.

"So …" He cleared his voice before he put some (semi fake) hope into his words."You're … you're gonna come back home today or did Alex and Claire made you promise them otherwise?" He laughed and tried to make it funny but the truth was he asked this for Dean's sake, knowing he already was struggling to find the words … to let Y/n know how much he wanted her back … to ask her to come back.

"To be honest … I don't think I can live in the bunker anymore." Y/n said and as Dean's head snapped up to look at her in horror, she raised her hand to stop his (likely) protests.

"I applied for a job 3 weeks ago and to my surprise they called me this morning to tell me I'd actually got it."

*What?*

No one had to ask it. The question was already hung in the air. She snored mockingly in her nose. "Perfect timing, right?"

She moved her gaze from her interlocked fingers on the table to Dean's eyes.

He didn't answer, he didn't move but he got tense. Still staring back at Y/n.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Sam asked, once again saving Dean from asking the question he was itching to ask with some other words that for sure couldn't be nice.

"I wanted to but I didn't think I could actually get it and even if I did, I never figured out how to tell you. Besides, I never considered the "move out" option before..." She looked at Sam for a second before she turned her gaze on Dean. "... But I actually appreciate that you bring it up. I think now I can take the advice. I'm gonna move on."

Sam's heart dropped in his stomach when he heard those words. Because he knew what this meant. It felt something like having to watch Dean get stabbed in the heart.

"Is this … because of that Bartender?" Dean asked, staring deadly at Y/n with his bloodshot eyes. He was already chewing on his bottom lip. And Sam knew a heavy storm was on its way to hit them.

"I don't want to answer that question."

*shit*

"Why? Because you can't just simply say no?" Dean scolded and Sam could see how it pushed on Y/n boundaries.

"No. Because it's not your fucking business and it's not Gary's business either. But at least he knows his limits."

*well, fuck*

"By "limits" you mean when he drools on you just because for God knows whatever the reason, you started to wear leather jackets when we go there?"

"WHAT?!"

*Oh, fuck* Sam thought to himself, watching Y/n rise from her seat.

"You think … you really think that I …" she laughed nervously and Sam could tell she would punch Dean in the face if she wasn't a sweet, super nice person.

"How you can even …"

"I can even what, Y/n? Are we now going to pretend like I'm a blind man who can't see how you got attracted to your ex again? Did you really think I couldn't see how your hands were shaking when his filthy face lighted up by seeing you for the first time after all these years?"

Sam wanted to interrupt him or at least leave the room but everything was happening so fast.

"So what? Why and since when you care about my private life?"

"Since you stopped drinking bunker's beers just because you rather drink those crappy poisonous cocktails he makes at the bar!"

Dean was on his feet now as well. And despite his will, Sam couldn't stop his smile. He never saw his brother this jealous before. It was fun.

"Poisonous? … You … of all people, you are the one who says this? cause as much as I know, you're the one who puts dormitives in my guest's food so the poor guy gets tired and can't spend his time with me!"

"Yeah, because your poor guy is not welcomed in MY PLACE!" Dean yelled, punching the table with so much power that made everyone almost jump out of their skins.

"Dean!" Finally Sam interrupted but as soon as he stood up, someone rang the doorbell and Sam could hear Jodie welcoming someone inside.

"Guys … I know it's not my place to interfere but you two really need to sort things out somewhere private … of course that's when both of you can be much calmer than this."

"No, we have nothing to say or to talk about, anymore. Your brother was clear enough when he said he wants me to move out, so I'll move out. And that's it."

Y/n declared, looking at Sam to resist any eye contact with Dean, probably to make him even more crazy.

"And that's it? You wanna ignore that part where you were too eager and ready to accept that suggestion and leave the bunker instantly like your pants were on fire?!"

Dean retorted while Y/n was shaking her head like she couldn't believe him.

"Whose pants are on fire?" Jodie interrupted as soon as she re-entered the room with the coffees she'd made, this time a man was with her. Y/n's guy. The famous bartender.

*Oh, No!*

Sam sighed, closing his eyes for a second so the guy couldn't read his face.

"Obviously not mine." Dean hissed through his teeth, looking first at the guy and then at Y/n with such a disappointment and rage that no one could ignore.

"Hey, what's wrong?" The guy asked, choosing the worst spot to stand on: right next to Y/n.

"My typical life I guess. Nothing's new." She mumbled in reply to him but her eyes were still on Dean.

"No, nothing is wrong with your life, Y/n. It's about your choices. That's what's wrong with you. As always." Dean said bitterly. As sharp as a knife, as cold as ice. Sam could see how it drained color from Y/n's face.

"You better watch your mouth, buddy." The Gary guy warned Dean and Sam could tell that if it wasn't for the sudden thud sound that stole everyone's attention, Dean would throw a fight right there. But …

"Y/n!" Jodie almost screamed. Y/n was laying on the floor, seemingly unconscious.

"Oh, God." Sam said as Jodie rushed to her.

"Y/n? … Y/n can you hear me?"

As she sat next to her, Gary's fingers already were on Y/n's carotid pulse point. So Sam couldn't stop himself from looking up at his brother, who was still standing where he was. In shock.

"Oh, shit!" Gary's worried voice made Sam check Y/n's pale face again but Jodie was the one to dare ask the question which was on everyone's minds.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Her pulse ... too faint." He said before turning to Dean: "Is she bleeding?"

"Bleeding?" Dean blinked and mumbled in confusion.

If it was up to Sam, he'd ask *What bleeding?* & *Why are you asking this from my brother?*

"Oh my. You still don't know. Do you?" Gary sneered.

"Know what? What's happening?" Jodie was freaking out now and Sam actually felt the same. He didn't like the way this stranger pretended like he knew her better than them. However what happened next was much more unexpected. And … rude!

To everyone's surprise, the guy reached out to Y/n's jeans and drew his hand between her legs but before anyone could react, he spread her legs open so it could be possible for everyone to see that big red stain there. Then he raised his hand. It was all wet and red in blood!

"She's having a miscarriage." He revealed.

Sam's gaze instantly caught Dean's ... Burning. Dean was burning inside with his heavy silence.

"Don't you worry. It's not mine." Gary added more fuel to that hell with such a mocking tone, staring right back at Dean's eyes.

Now Sam could feel it. The storm was there: rising in his brother's roar!

Before Sam could've moved any muscles, Gary was already pinned to the wall, Dean's hands on his now-ripped-out collar.

"Dean, no!" Sam jumped in, trying to catch his brother's arm before his fist make any contact with the guy's nose but all he could do was changing the direction of the punch which landed on Gary's shoulder, making a painful cracking sound.

"I said no … Dean, stop it." Sam had to literally cage Dean in his arms so the furious man couldn't tear Gary apart.

"Get off me, Sam. This son of a bitch has to learn his place."

"Enough!" As Dean just broke himself free, Jodie's scream stopped everyone in their tracks.

"It's enough!" Jodie warned all three men, pointing at them one by one.

"You want to fight? Not here. Not in my house!"

"But ..."

As soon as Dean opened his mouth to protest, Jodie cut him:

"And you … you should know Y/n is pregnant with your twins. So … you'll be a responsible man who will try his best to save them or you can get the hell out of here and never come back!"

"What?" Sam was too shocked to suppress his reaction while Dean couldn't even find any words to say. His confused look darted between Jodie's face and Y/n's figure while his parted lips kept moving without making any noise, just like a dying fish on the shore!

"I promised her not to tell anyone but it was a promise under normal conditions, not this." Jodie sighed, struggling to keep her emotions under control. Sam saw the worry in her frown. Like a real mother, worried for her children. However it was nothing in comparison to his brother's blank eyes and pale face.

"Dean, It's ok. We just need to take her to hospital. … it's ok, man. I promise."

He had to grab Dean by his jacket, as his brother was struggling to process all of these in his head.

"Come on, man. We got no time. Do I need to do this alone or you'll …"

"Get the car, Sammy."

It was just a simple sentence. Yet it had enough power to make Sam's heart sank. Since Dean had put the car keys in his hand saying that, Sam couldn't stop thinking about that tone. Dean never had called Baby a "car" In years. And Sam had never heard that crack in his voice since their Dad's death.

"You ok?" He finally let himself ask, two hours after they arrived at the hospital.

"I want to be." Dean closed his eyes and put his head against the cold wall, letting the dim light to darken the shadows under his eyes.

"I'm sure she'll be good. She's strong, Dean. You know that."

He smiled and Sam looked away not to watch him. He knew that smile. Dean used to give him that, whenever everything was gone so wrong that Dean couldn't promise him anything good. Like when both of them were still kids. Hungry, cold and all alone in a rusty motel room where John had left them on their own for a one day long hunt but then a heavy snow had crashed the roads and kept them apart for half a week. So Dean had to wash the dishes and do the laundry in the motel to rent the room for another day and provide some snacks so they wouldn't starve to death. But after three days, the hotel managers didn't want them to be around. And Sam could vividly remember that smile on his brother's face when he asked: *Where should we go then?*

"You were always such a father material. You know?"

Sam admitted with a broken smile on his face.

"You were always responsible, kind and caring with me as a kid. And I can't imagine anyone who deserves to be a father more than you."

Dean took a deep breath and opened his eyes without looking at him: "But I don't want ... I really can't, Sammy."

All, it certainly wasn't the response Sam had expected. He used to believe that Dean would never turn down any chance to start a family with Y/n. Especially after everything in the world was back to normal.

"Are you kidding me? You always wanted this."

"No …" Dean finally turned his gaze to meet his brother's confused eyes. "No, Sammy. Not like this. I don't want to raise another kid without his mom. I'm not that strong anymore."

Dang. Once again Sam's heart dropped in his stomach. Dean was really helpless.

"Mr. Winchester?"

Dean was on his feet as Sam just realized the doctor's presence.

"It's me."

Sam prayed for any good news as doctor took a glance of Dean and fixed his glasses on his face …

"To be continued …"

READ CHAPTER 2 HERE

tag list:

@jay-and-dean @adoptdontshoppets @akshi8278

The next and also ultimate chapter will post on Sunday, April 25. Thanks for reading.

Feedback are always appreciated.

[queen-susans-revenge]

a meme, thank you @klaproos for thinking of me!

favorite color: I went into it a little bit more here but it's basically burnt sienna with a bronzy shimmer, like so

currently reading: Haley Campbell, All the Living and the Dead, mostly because Neil Gaiman recommended it. I don't read a lot of nonfiction but like everybody else I have been thinking a lot about death in the past couple years, so it's very interesting.

last song: okay I just fired up Spotify and here's what it was in the middle of last time I closed it. This is not even a great remix, I like the original much better, but I do listen to a lot of Grimes. In fact this came up because I was in the middle of the complete Grimes collection on Spotify, which I often put on loop when I just need music in the background.

I am in a perpetual state of "oh girl no" over Grimes but I completely love her music. I just wish there was more focus on her art and process as opposed to her personal mess, and I think the treatment she gets is sexist because dudes are allowed to be wild self-indulgent freaks who are still taken seriously as artists. Grimes is a wild self-indulgent freak who should still be taken seriously as an artist.

last tv show: The Netflix series Cyberpunk: Edgerunners. I do not watch a lot of anime, but I love the art style on this one. All the colors, mmm. I'm about halfway through the series.

Cyberpunk in general is an easy sell for me. Take me to neon reflecting in rainy streets while hovercars go by overhead and cyborgs sit around slurping from bowls at noodle stands, and you don't even have to buy me dinner. I'm already a slut for it.

That said, there's a tension in a lot of cyberpunk, a retro fixation within a genre that ostensibly depicts the future but is rapidly being outpaced by the present. A weirdly large element of it is nostalgia for the 80s and 90s, and there's some social attitudes from those decades that get pulled in wholesale along with the aesthetic. Sex workers get murdered a lot. Depictions of racial minorities skew towards the cringe. There's a moral simplicity to the noir landscapes it tends to build: the heroes might be "edgy" but they're pitted against monsters so grotesque that there's never really any question about where right and wrong lie. Violence is cathartic and solves a lot of problems.

There's a trans critic, El Sandifer, who has written a couple of very insightful pieces of criticism, both on the cyberpunk genre in general and on the Cyberpunk 2077 world in particular. I love her observation that "cyberpunk is still a living genre; a successful prediction of the future that continues to be made long after it’s come true." And I think her conclusion—that the genre badly needs a queerer perspective—is the right one.

This series does not have a queer perspective. But what it does have is mirrorshades and samurai on motorbikes, and some really beautiful action sequences that unfold in supersaturated neon colors. So I'm in.

last movie: Thor: Love and Thunder. Iunno, it was all right. I didn't want my money back or anything. In terms of MCU movie rankings I would put it somewhere solidly mid. Better than Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness I guess.

I think we're all kind of burned out on Marvel content, right? The last MCU thing I can think of that felt fresh or compelling was the Ms. Marvel series and even that is already fading into forgetability. Can I get more of Yelena and new energy-flavor Hawkeye? I liked them a lot.

sweet/savory/spicy: savory.

currently working on: I'm now more than 100k words into the space pirate novel and probably have another 20k or 30k to go. It will be a long book but it is all one book (I was wondering earlier if I should split it up, which I kind of wanted to because it would mean I could start shopping around the first part, but unfortunately I think the answer is that I really do have to write the whole thing first.)

And the chapter I just finished was like, the most fun to write in the whole book. It was a sex scene followed by some pillow talk. Now I have to do corporate intrigue and hacker stuff, which is much harder to make interesting. It's part of why I'm watching cyberpunk shows, to get inspired.

tagging everybody! Anybody who wants to! I get anxious about tagging people both from the point of view of possibly annoying someone, and from the point of view of possibly making someone else feel overlooked, so as usual I will take the coward's way out on this one.