#i'm sorry i'm just tired and sad

[d3athanddecay1]

I should just stop existing

[worthless-misery]

I hate myself.

I hate my face.

I hate my eyes.

I hate my ears.

I hate my nose.

I hate my mouth.

I hate my lips.

I hate my hair.

I hate my neck.

I hate my shoulders.

I hate my chest.

I hate my back.

I hate my belly.

I hate my hips.

I hate my arms.

I hate my hands.

I hate my fingers.

I hate my skin.

I hate my crotch.

I hate my thighs.

I hate my knees.

I hate my legs.

I hate my feet.

I hate my ankles.

I hate my toes.

I hate my smile.

I hate my laugh.

I hate my scars.

I hate my stretch marks.

I hate my bones.

I hate my body hair.

I hate my voice.

I hate my mind.

I hate my thoughts.

I hate my dysphoria.

I hate my depression.

I hate my anxiety.

I hate my eating disorders.

I hate my trauma.

I hate my nightmares.

I hate my past.

I hate my memories.

I hate my childhood.

I hate my adolescence.

I hate my adulthood.

I hate my existence.

I hate my life.

I just hate every single thing about myself so fucking much...

[thelifelessgirl]

Everyone gets tired of me at some point.

Then eventually they’ll leave.

They all do.

[thekittyokat]

you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah

[jade-len]

bad svsss fanfic/au idea: random marriage/guidance counselor transmigrates into PIDW, sees the absolute mess of lord luo bingge and his harem, goes "jesus fucking christ", and makes bank.

and like. they're probably not even that good of a counselor. it's just that people lack any sense when it comes to bingge, and since he's the emperor, that means pretty much everyone. also because therapy doesn't exist. i'll give them some credit though, whatever they hell they're doing works.

now, while sqq and sqh are having a grand ol' time in SVSSS with their husbands, this random, average counselor has to deal with being in the care of lord luo bingge. no wife beam. no anything. all they have is some basic empathy and common sense people just tend to lack in here for some reason.

it's even worse considering the fact that they've arrived after luo bingge completed his plan and became the hailed demon emperor. now, while they've never full on read the entire thing, they've heard enough from a close friend who has kept up with it to know the main character is the literal embodiment of the cycle of abuse and heavy unresolved issues. like, it got to the point where they started to unironically use luo bingge as an example of how to not deal with conflicts and trauma.

really, how could people like bingge? seriously, it's just another edge lord main character with way too many glamorized issues and abuse. red flag! (hey, who the hell is peerless cucumber and why does he keep defending binghe? lord, have mercy on these impressionable young men...)

so, after being kidnapped taken in by bingge and his wives after the bunch claimed that they were a "wise man" or whatever (all they did was offer some basic relationship advice to some poor woman, who turned out to be ning yingying, who told the other wives, and it just spiraled from there), they were deemed "special" and given their personal office and a room! hey, better than being on the streets in this god forsaken hentai-ish world, i guess.

quickly, a routine was established. one that, especially, consisted of luo bingge outright ignoring them. which, they weren't complaining about!

wake up, eat, meet with multiple of the wives, spend their hard earned money on delicious delicacies, meet with more wives, sleep, repeat. the most interaction they had with the demon emperor was him ordering them around, but even then, that was uncommon. it was, surprisingly, easy to fall into the rhythm of this undoubtedly odd life. you're upset that lord luo hasn't spent much time with you? maybe you can ask! the other wives are being annoying? remove yourself from the situation. you're upset that lord luo has so many other wives? oohhh... yeah. uhm.

luo binghe only tolerated them, they knew that. and they're sure that, if not for multiple of his wives insisting on keeping them, they'd be dead for even daring to be so "intimate" with them. a little bit of a shock, if they do say so themself. like, insecure much (something that they'll probably never get used to is the fact that bingge built an entire little village for his wives, though)?

but that's not the most shocking thing, oh, no.

it's this.

"i- i tried.. i tried to take the.. hiic-- other.. other shizun w-with me.." lord luo binghe, the powerful, almighty demon emperor, trembles and sobs. "b-but he! he wanted to-- s-stay with that.. stupid, inferior version of my- hic- self.."

despite the mountain of gold they're getting paid in, is it really enough to deal with this? probably not. will they get killed for witnessing luo binghe's vulnerability? perhaps. is he a dictator, the embodiment of the cycle of abuse, and a crazily vengeful bastard? definitely.

"it's-- s' not.." his voice breaks. something else inside of them probably does, too. "..n-not, hiic- fair."

should they feel bad? they shouldn't. he's hurt much too many people. isn't it a little late? can he even be redeemed? because, they are absolutely not here to try and "fix" him.

and yet.

"can you breathe, lord luo? deep breaths, don't focus on anything else but me, okay? i'll do it with you too. can you do that for me? there, there. you're doing a very good job, do you know that? here, when i'm upset, sometimes i like to do something called, '5-4-3-2-1'. i promise it'll help, binghe. would you like for me to do this one with you too?"

they can't help but think about a small, lonely boy on qing jing peak.

. . .

after that, bingbing slowly starts to come around and develop an actual bond! cool!! he just,,, can't believe only his wives were granted the "wisdom". how foolish was he?

"i know i'm only a mere human, but i can tell that lord luo is... masking things. you can put that away for now, okay? i promise, everything you say here will be confidential information, and it'll never leak... no no there's no enemy spies here-"

"i'm not even going to question this. you go back there right now and deal with it yourself if you cannot respect me or the other clients. aka, your wives."

"no, it's not stupid. this is how people help themself, and it's okay if you want to do it. as long as it doesn't hurt you or anybody. it helps, and that's all that matters."

"oh? one of your wife confronted to you about it? i'm glad to hear that, she's doing well, i see. i'm also happy that you're listening too, really."

"yes, and when something like that happens, you--- no- don't pull out xin mo now. what did we say about that? good job."

"here, can i touch your hands, binghe? there we go. when you're unsteady, you feel the need to pick at your skin, correct? well, let's try a few different things to keep those hands busy! it must be quite stressful being an emperor. how about we start with crocheting! it's quite popular back at my hometown."

"your mother sounds like a wonderful woman, lord luo. hey, how about you take a small break and visit her, okay? you want me to come with you? of course, it'd be an honor."

and thus, the story of the poor transmigrator counselor continues on with luo bingge added to their schedule!! this could be read as romantic or platonic lol. but i was thinking of this as luo bingge obtaining his first actual friend. it takes a long while due to bingge's... bingge-ness, but eventually it all works out lmao

[fisheito]

collab #2 with @xenole i was given a chibi yakumo and i.. i...... turned it into thiS

[girl-that-wants-to-die]

[boopicide]

everything fucking sucks<<<<<

[thegirlwhohid]

It feels so surreal.

I used Tumblr as a 'safe haven' from real-life struggles. Even my nickname means that - I was hiding here from the reality in the world of fandoms, beautiful arts, and so on.

And on Wednesday, I attended the funeral of my Tumblr mutual.

There are no safe havens anymore. It was a lovely illusion, but that's it. I want to scream at the top of my lungs: do something. The time of idle watching is long over.

I'm afraid that if things are the same way as now, your homes will burn as ours.

[rowarn]

// tw suicide : vent

[fuck-i-love-october]

I'm kind of tired.

Like really tired actually.

I don't know what my purpose on this earth is but I feel like a rock tossed into a docile pond. No matter how much of myself I cut off and saw down I don't quite feel like I'm fit for anyones puzzle board. I don't have anyone who wants to be there for me and in that way society scares me but I give so much into the well in which runs dry whenever I reach my poor, child hands down it to scoop up water. I think that any semblance of humanity has been lost for me and I've only now realized that I'm myself or nothing and nothing is so much harder to resist when I've only ever been myself. I realize how fucked I am when laughing dissipates to crying and now I'm the big dumb loud idiot who made someone telling me a joke uncomfortable when I burst into tears mid-giggle. Why am I the way that I am? Was I born this way? A curse I need not remember? Did my own mother hand me off to the doctor with the hatred only a mother could have? Did my dad see me run home off the bus, reaching my chubby little arms up toward him, eyes bright like he was the only person that mattered in the whole world and think that perhaps children can be evil? Did my sister laugh when I turned around, whispering to passerbys about the things I would never become? Lord, I want to say I was meant for something gentle but to yearn for something I've never had is to yearn for something that doesn't exist. Did the spider in the window lose his appetite when I spoke my sorrow to the moon? Why must it rain when I shine and shine when I rain? Why am I so glum? Why have I never been, seen, done, thought, or spoke one right thing since "I'm sorry"? Why is that all I have learned to say? Forever am I overbearing, and forever does it not work for me because my legacy was written on some loud and apparent womans used diner napkin. the remanent of a half-loving relationship stuck between the celery in her teeth as she spoke of forever and children and why don't you ever call me anymore? I've been so good. I've been so good and I only feel rotten. Why must I be the earthworm squashed by a middle-school boy desperately seeking a laugh from his foreboding group of friends? Even the meanest and ugliest of monsters get their happy endings even when the page is turned and away from an ambitious little girls eyes. So why not me? Am I so obsessive over the idea of being good that its made me evil? Am I wrong? Am I evil? Or am I 14 and terribly new to it all? Life I mean.

So yes, I am tired. Awfully tired. Disgustingly tired. Tired of giving and loving and laughing and talking and never getting. Never feeling. Never having. I am tired of everything being so messy and confusing and hurt. I am tired of the bad and the ugly. I am tired of sifting through broken glass to find a diamond I'm not sure exists. I'm tired of puzzling myself into a reality that hasn't wanted me since the moment I barred my off-white, crooked teeth to the sky, cautious. Cautious of nothing as I became the own hand that fed me. I fear this living thing turns good kids mean and soft girls stone. My stone can't hold anymore of the water the well of offering runs dry.

I'm tired of the not knowing, the always giving, the not having.

[d3athanddecay1]

I feel eternally alone

[hyuburt]

The sketch is better at getting across her worry I think, which got lost in the digital redraw.

[thelifelessgirl]

You hate when people see you cry because you want to be that strong person.

At the same time, though, you hate how nobody notices how torn apart and broken you are.

[pardonmydelays]

unpopular opinion but i really miss those days when it was all about the music in taylor swift fandom

[arainbowmess]

So we all agree that the song blood // water ( by grandson) is about kaz's storyline with Pekka Rollins, right?