#i'm really sad though and otherwise i have nothing else to say

[britneyshakespeare]

i have a cousin named chris (information which does not at all feel vulnerable to reveal considering it is one of the most common male given names in the united states) and he is one of three boys (i should say men since they're all like 30-something now) born to my uncle who is the third-born of my dad's seven siblings. my dad and his dad and the firstborn uncle used to co-own a family business founded by my grandfather before my dad eventually left after my older brothers were born because my firstborn uncle can be pretty insufferable. so my dad was very close to chris' dad especially around the time that they both were newly-raising their sons. my uncle who is chris' dad just died, though. last week. he had had stage 4 prostate cancer for about ten years. and there's really nothing else i know how to share about that fact other than it has been enormously painful to our entire family.

i pointed something out though after the wake that my father had apparently never realized. i said "dad, it's funny how whenever you refer to chris, you call him christopher, like he's still a little boy." idk why my dad does that. nobody else in the family does that. but he was like "i do?!?!?" and my sister was also like "yeah no dad you always call him christopher, and literally only you do this." it was funny

[zombie-bait]

Full Moon

Ok so I don’t normally post about Helluva Boss but the newest episode touched on an interesting concept I haven’t necessarily seen represented in media. Back when I was on Twitter (derogatory) a few years ago there was this now deleted viral thread where someone discussed how their struggles with mental health affected their relationship with their partner and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. 

This is such a good, short example of how anxiety and depression can play tricks on you. It becomes so easy to envision yourself as a nuisance, a constant burden to those closest to you because they cannot possibly genuinely enjoy your company, right? But in doing so you create this arbitrarily cruel version of the people you love, people who would otherwise never behave like this outside of your own mind.

It's mean. Because your mind wants to be mean to you under these circumstances. It wants to put everyone else's emotions and desires above yours, both in worthiness and validity. And that starts bleeding into your understanding of other people, especially those you care about.

Now. Helluva Boss.

"Can I get a fucking MINUTE to think after everything you put me through you pompous rich ASSHOLE? Treat me like one of your little butler imps, you can’t just dismiss me like that! I mean, you royal fucks think you can do this every time, like you can just play with our feelings because we’re smaller and not as important. Well I’m not letting you, BITCH! Let’s go!" - Blitz

I find it really interesting how Helluva Boss decided to approach this conflict between Stolas and Blitz. Obviously, the difference in power matters. It's the underlying tension of their entire relationship and their lives. Stolas is burdened by the mountain of expectations thrust upon him from a very young age while Blitz is constantly reminded that he can NEVER be part of that world, that he is "smaller and not as important" not just in Hell's hierarchy but in his own life and family. Stolas very literally has power over Blitz (through the grimoire, the arrangement, his position in society) and Blitz uses their relationship as an excuse to reverse those roles. But that power dynamic, in one form or another, never truly goes away. And for Blitz, it's a lot easier to paint Stolas as this manipulative symbol of power and himself as nothing more than Stolas' plaything. It's easier to be angry than to be vulnerable and accept that someone might care about him.

"Dismiss" is the keyword in that quote. All that Blitz has been able to process is that Stolas has decided to end the relationship that they have. He feels ls like a choice has been taken away from him so he lashes out because he's not ready to emotionally tackle what the rest of Stolas' offer might entail. If Stolas hates him, just wants to play with him, then he is justified in his anger, his self-destruction, his isolation. If the world is mean, you're "allowed" to be mean back.

But

In that moment he forgets that Stolas is someone he actually cares about. Someone he's known for way too long and clearly wants to keep in his life, no matter how reluctant he can be to admit it. Someone who is not innately cruel or manipulative but sad and desperate for connections in a lot of the same ways that Blitz is. And Blitz immediately sees that he's miscalculated something.

Somewhere along the way the fictional version of Stolas that he's allowed himself to be mad at and the real one that he's not ready to admit he cares about have merged into something real that he has actual power over. Stolas can get hurt and Blitz can be the one who does it. He has once again allowed his greatest fears (which Stolas so frequently symbolizes) to co-opt his loved ones, to give him an "out" even though he didn't actually want one in the first place.

I'm definitely not the first person to say this but I think this is an example of the miscommunication trope done right. Their individual struggles are what cause them to be unable to connect during this conversation or to even have a proper conversation in the first place. There is no convenient misunderstanding or third party fabricating this rift. Both of them have preconceived ideas of what the other one is thinking but those ideas are flawed and rooted in self-hatred. They also both shutdown in their unique ways when the conversation starts heading in the direction they'd feared it would.

Blitz and Stolas work because they're both fucked up in similar ways, because they want similar things. That's the same reason why they're uniquely designed to hurt one another. A fear of rejection and a yearning for happiness. To borrow a quote that has been used by literally everyone from Spiderman to Evangelical preachers, "hurt people hurt people."

anyway, I really liked this episode.

(twitter thread screenshots sourced from this reddit post)

[musedeluce]

Petnames? Eh....

What if you don't generally call them petnames, instead just calling them by their names? What thoughts might they have, regarding your name, and their own?

A/N: Brought to you because I don't generally like pet names. Personally, for me, calling people by their names is special, and pet-names feel generic XD. There are times they don't, but that's generally how I feel. Nicknames are lovely though lol

(By name, I mean whatever the person goes by, of course)

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Xavier

To be quite honest, he doesn't really think about it. He's just happy to be talking and doing things with you. He himself doesn't really call you any cute names, at least not with any regularity.

Additionally, every time you his name he feels like he's exactly where he's supposed to be, a sense of belonging he's missed for a long time. He really loves it when you call his name.

Someone may point it out, however. It's not something that bothers him, but he's ever so curious... He'll just ask you.

"Do you not like petnames? Is that why you never call me any?" his eyes are wide with innocence, and somewhat pleading. (Don't let this fool you he knows exactly what he's doing.)

It may have bothered him a little more than he thought...any and all endearments from you, he'll desire. He's a bit greedy that way, and at the core of it is just him wanting to be with you and experience things with you, especially new things.

You can pull his own trick on him, and he'll fall for it.

Eyes wide, looking a touch sad - "Do you...not like when I say your name?"

He'll never be bothered by it ever again, and he's somewhat learned to ignore things that others point out about your relationship, as long as you're both content together, nothing else matters.

Xavier loves to call you by your name as well, it feels like something he's waited to do for so long. Finally, you're here, you'll respond.

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Sylus

Legit actually bothers him (but not in a detrimental way), but he'd never come right out and say. Usually he's quite open and direct, but not about this. As he often calls you sweetie and kitten, he's wondering why you don't respond in kind, sarcastically or otherwise.

As it so happens, he tries to get you to call him pet names, starting off small and eventually evolving into full on, well thought out plans where he tries his absolute hardest, but he's so sneaky about it. (He thinks)

Considering his first attempt was just to stare at you really intensely after he called you sweetie like he usually does, you catch on that something is going on.

Attempts range from asking you questions like "What do bees make?" and then responding when you answer as if you had actually called him that, asking you to read romantic passages out loud to him (Which is how he found out he likes to have you read to him just in general), having the twins or Mephisto "gather intel," and having undercover missions require acting of the romantic sort, petnames -required-

This is of course, the perfect opportunity to mess with him. Call Luke and Kieran "Darling" jokingly. Mephisto is now and forever "pretty bird"

Then of course, call him one when he's not really paying attention and then act as if nothing happened. He will mentally crash out (in a good way, and maintain outward composure)

Eventually though, you'll have to explain, smirking while you do.

"I'm exercising a privilege I have, of course. I'm the only one who calls you by your name, Sylus."

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Zayne

Not one to make a big deal about things. Call him whatever you want, and if that doesn't include pet names, so be it.

Though, when you dropped "Doctor" and instead started to call him "Zayne" he felt joyous. It was a sign of your relationship getting closer as the both of you reconnected.

He's playful and bold with you, and likes to try to provoke reactions where you say his name in different ways. Of course not in an obvious fashion, as he's stoic and calm, so his playfulness might not be super obvious to people.

"To decide between hotpot or stir fry, let's play rock, paper, scissors. Which one do you want to be?"

"Hot pot!"

"Alright, let's get that then. And perhaps go for a walk together after." Very often, its things like this that show his playfulness and desire to have fun with you.

"Zayne" the laugh in your voice delights him. "You bought every flavor of special cupcake?"

"Zayne, you should rest." Your concern makes him feel warm.

It might end up that you ask him about it, yourself. "Zayne, do you mind that I don't call you pet names? It seems like its something expected? If you want, I can try to use them more."

"Why would I mind? I like my name. I especially like my name on your lips." The smirk on his face is small, but obvious. " Besides, every relationship is different, so what is expected in one case won't be applicable in another."

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Rafayel

He doesn't care that you don't call him any pet names. Why would he? You can call him whatever you want, he'll respond. But, he will be curious.

Especially since he sometimes calls you "cutie." and you don't seem to mind...but he'll want to be sure, and approach in a somewhat roundabout way. Not asking straight out why you never use them. Instead, he'll start by directly asking you about something adjacent.

"Does it bother you when I call you cutie? I'm perfectly happy to stop if it does, Darling."

"As for me, I wouldn't mind a cute moniker from you!" Aha! His main goal all along. Now, once you explain, he'll be perfectly satisfied regarding this matter.

"Oh, it doesn't bother me. I would tell you if it did. Petnames just aren't my thing. I like calling you "Rafayel" because it's your name. It's you!" You smile at him, and his ears start to turn red.

He's so fun to tease, the back and forth banter is the best, and this is something you can totally use.

"Cutie~" and you hand him a clementine and watch as he processes this ridiculous joke as you peel your own.

Whenever he hears you call his name, he loves it of course, but he also is filled with a sense of happy relief.

He also loves to say your name, filled with a sense of curiosity. He's always interested in you, and wants to know every detail from what you ate for dinner to your most guarded secrets. That curiosity extends to the world around him, something he wants to learn more about and experience, especially with you.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

[cartierre]

ICED OAT LATTE | ma11

SOCIAL MEDIA!AU marcus armstrong x fem!novalak!reader (fc: sabrina carpenter)

side note: this is a bit on the shorter side but otherwise it felt like just dragging it out for nothing. there are two twitter threads though so i think that kind of makes up for it?

♡ liked by clementnovalak, marcusarmstrong, screamingmeals and 17,347 others

tagged: screamingmeals

y/n_novalak my segment on screamingmeals "y/n's coffee corner" launches this week! try out different kinds of coffee with me, send me suggestions how you like to drink yours and let's have a little chat together! we're going to start off strong with my all time favourite: an iced oat latte 🧊☕️

view all 82 comments

user1 watch y/n become the next emma chamberlain

user2 i don't like coffee but maybe y/n can come up with a way for me to somewhat enjoy it ⤷ user3 y/n should definitely do an episode on how to get into coffee as a beginner!

screamingmeals we never knew coffee could be so expensive ⤷ y/n_novalak i won't settle for cheap coffee beans

clementnovalak first you stole my best friend and now you get your own corner? ⤷ y/n_novalak go cry me a riverrrrrr ⤷ user4 y/n and clem being siblings, part 1933829

user5 i love an oat latte, but warm instead of cold!

♡ liked by clementnovalak, felipedrugovich, marcusarmstrong and 16,283 others

tagged: marcusarmstrong

y/n_novalak i'm the proudest girlfriend on the planet right now. to see marcus race here in st. petersburg makes my heart bloom. happy indycar debut babes! (psa: giving the coffee a 6/10 because it was overpriced)

view all 72 comments

user6 ugh i cannot they're literally perfect for each other ⤷ user7 i'm so glad clem introduced them to each other

clementnovalak for the record: i am still a bit salty you didn't come to my race this weekend ⤷ y/n_novalak should i hold your hand the next time since you're such a crybaby? ⤷ clementnovalak i'm telling maman that you're mean to me

user8 i never know if y/n and clem are being serious or not with their banter ⤷ user9 i have a brother and lemme tell you we're the same

marcusarmstrong with you by my side, i feel like i can achieve anything comment liked by y/n_novalak ⤷ y/n_novalak stop it i'm getting emotional

user10 *crying in single*

♡ liked by clementnovalak, marcusarmstrong, screamingmeals and 18,293 others

tagged: screamingmeals

y/n_novalak we're going into round two! this time on "y/n's coffee corner" we're going full traditional: we're taste testing the cappucino. a classic. the cappucino shines with a foamy top and lots of aroma. you can never go wrong with it. (spoiler alert: it's not marcus' favourite 😱)

view all 67 comments

user11 y/n needs to start a whole blog about coffee

user12 marcus doesn't like a cappucino? 🚩🚩 ⤷ y/n_novalak that's what i was thinking ⤷ marcusarmstrong i'm sorry

clementnovalak the way you only put a heart on yours and marcus' coffee and i got a blop of nothingness is actually hurting my soul ⤷ y/n_novalak you're always mean to me you don't deserve a heart

user13 i have the same coffee machine! comment liked by y/n_novalak

user14 i'm more of a latte person myself, but you can never really go wrong with a cappucino!

user15 back when i wasn't allowed to drink coffee, my mum always gave me her foam on her capuccino because i was so sad that i couldn't get one myself

♡ liked by clementnovalak, marcusarmstrong and 15,948 others

tagged: clementnovalak, marcusarmstrong

y/n_novalak visiting this dickhead this weekend in jeddah because he cried about me not attending his last race

view all 74 comments

user16 imagine being stressed because you cannot decide whether to visit your brother or boyfriend at different places for races ⤷ user17 she's living every motorsport fan's dream

user18 the lipstick stain is so real. men will never understand.

clementnovalak you made it sound like i begged you to come ⤷ y/n_novalak did you not? your messages say smth else ⤷ marcusarmstrong actually he cried because i wasn't able to come ⤷ clementnovalak that is correct ⤷ y/n_novalak okay since when is it "gang up on y/n" day?

user19 marcus using his free weekend to support clem is so sweet!

user20 i just know y/n was exhausted after a whole weekend with clem and marcus comment liked by y/n_novalak

[houxe]

Regarding my SBI/DSMP Fics

TW: Abuse, Trauma, and Mentions of Suicide.

With all that has happened, I did want to come out here and make my stance clear. I will always stand with Shelby (Shubble) and all of the victims who are speaking out against Will Gold (Wilbur Soot). If you still support that bastard, unfollow me and leave my blog and whatever small community I made.

I've already stated this is my Discord channel, but I want to put it here too.

For me, c!Wilbur is so far removed from cc!Wilbur that I don't connect the two. The characters are vessels for my own characterizations and stories. It's a bit like writing Supernatural*, Twilight, or Hazbin Hotel fanfics. I don't support the guy, monetarily or otherwise, he does not interact with fanfics, I have plans to be very vocal that I'm on Shelby's side no matter what/make it clear that what Will did is wrong, and I don't use his real life events as plots in my stories. At least, I certainly don't try to. It's why I typically change traits about the characters. (I.e. Tommy is shorter, Phil is taller, Techno is bulky, and Wilbur always has golden/hazel eyes.)

I'm aware that it's a tad different because it's rp and not something like a full on book or an actor in a movie, but DSMP has also been over for over two years and the characterizations I make for SBI are not at all based on the CCs. Real life Techno isn't a literal terrorist, Phil ain't a father married to a goddess, Tommy is not a traumatized child soldier, and Wilbur isn't suicidal and blowing up countries.

I think I'll likely focus more on Techno, Tommy, and Phil for a while, but I'm not gonna let one dude ruin a fandom and things I've made for myself. Nothing I write is ever made for Wilbur, as I've seen people saying. Additionally, Wilbur was not the only writer. Technoblade, Philza, TommyInnit, and so many others made that story what it was. Not him.

However, if any CCs come forward saying they don't want their old characters interacting with his, I will respect that.

Though I do think there is a tendency to take real life events (i.e. Techno's cancer, LJ's music, Tommy's real life parents, etc.) and put them into fiction about DSMP. I, however, don't try to do that and have stated before that I don't feel comfortable doing so. The truth is that we have not gotten any genuine SBI content outside of DSMP for years. The dynamic in real life is very different from what was presented in the DSMP. Did personalities still bleed over? Yes, I'm not going to deny that, but I'm not going to act like they're exactly the same between character and person either. We've had that conversation like in 2021, it's why we have C! and CC!.

The rather sad truth is, SBI is what got me really into writing and it's a comfort for me that nothing can compare to. Obviously, I don't think it's appropriate to be writing certain types of stories right now or to be involving characters made by CCs outside of the DSMP. I think it's up to everyone else to decide on what they want to do, however, rushing it also isn't the way to go either. Give yourself time to heal and think it over first instead of throwing away something that gives you comfort and has not been associated with by the creators for over two years.

Anyways, fuck Will Gold. Fuck the fact that he hurt so many people, and fuck that he lied and manipulated his way around the damn internet. ESPECIALLY fuck the fact that he tried to diminish what he did and not take proper accountability.

Go and support Shelby so so much, she and everyone who spoke out really deserve it. I'm glad silence on these types of issues is not being normalized.

Here is a list of (American) resources for DV help:

TNLR

RAINN

WOAR

Love is respect

The Trevor project

Futures without violence

National domestic violence hotline

Resource on what DV and abuse looks like

*Changed it from Harry Potter to Supernatural because Harry Potter is a significantly worse and more problematic franchise, even just within the content of the books. It'd be better left in the dust. I've talked about it before, but it was the first thing that came to my mind at the time and was a poor comparison on my part, I'm truly sorry for that.

[randoimago]

hi there! may i request mondo, hajime, kazuicihi, and kaito reacting to having their crush ask them for help texting someone they like to ask them out, and when they go to show them a picture of the aforementioned person, they turn the phone to them and it's on the camera app? hopefully that makes sense!!

Asked to Help Their Crush Ask Someone Else Out

Fandom: Danganronpa

Character(s): Hajime, Mondo, Kazuichi, Kaito

Type of Request: Headcanons, Slight angst

Note(s): I had to read it a couple times but I get what you mean! Here you go!!

Hajime

At hearing you ask him, he can't help the sadness that he feels. He tries to keep giving you a smile even though it's very difficulty but he wants you to be happy so he'll try his best.

He holds his hand out for your phone, half wanting to just throw it across the room. You do so and he looks down and just stares at his reflection.

It takes him a few seconds before he realizes what happened. He can't help a bit of a laugh as he gives you your phone back.

Hajime does tell you the truth about his own feelings and how he did feel sad at the thought of losing you, but he's glad that things worked out.

Kaito

He feels heartbroken, but he tries to keep smiling and gives a big, if fake, laugh as he "happily" agrees to help you out.

You show him your phone and he just stares at the camera and his face. "You know it's on camera mode, right?" You just give him a smile. It takes him a long moment before he says, "Oh!" as realization hits.

But he doesn't give you your phone back just yet. He instead goes to your messages and begins sending a text. A grin crosses his face as his own phone chimes.

Kaito still doesn't give you your phone back, so you can't see what he sent. Instead, he picks up his phone and reads, "Oh Kaito, you're so cool and handsome and I would be honored to go out with you. There's no way I'd ever ask someone else-" You cut him off by throwing a pillow at him or something.

Kazuichi

Can't help but blurt out, "What? Why?!" when you ask for his help. Sure, it can sound like he doesn't get why you'd ask for his help, but he really means "why would you ask someone else?"

Kazuichi gets really pouty and tells you no, but he also cares for you a lot so he'll ends up giving in, a bit tempted to sabotage the message.

You hand him your phone and he's still conflicted with what to do before he notices you have the camera facing him. He gives you an odd look at that, not really getting it.

You will have to tell him the joke you just pulled, otherwise he stays confused for a long while. Kazuichi gets so red from blushing and stutters about liking you too and that was a mean joke you pulled.

Mondo

He can't help but feel a tad angry at you asking him for this. Why don't you just do it yourself? Hell, why would you even text the person something like that when it should be to their face?

He's not trying to be mad at you, but it's how he feels. He can't help but feel a bit betrayed, even though you really owe him nothing. And he feels hurt.

Mondo will be midrant about it or about to leave and that's when you show him your phone. He starts telling you, "I'm not fucking help-" before he realizes the camera is on and he just sees his angry expression reflected.

Is a tad dumbstruck as his brain has to process what happened before he scoffs and nudges your phone away. Mondo rolls his eyes and calls you an idiot, but you better believe that you're idiot now.

[cellophaine]

Sad Girl (Part III)

Read Part I, Part II

Pairing: Matt Murdock x F!Reader

Warnings: Sappy confession. Happy ending.

Author's Note: I'm alive.

GIF Credit

As you joined the street-level crowd from the subway, you pulled your scarf higher as the bitter wind swept over your face. You quickened your pace in the hope of getting out of the cold sooner as if you could catch up with the darkening sky. The interview had taken longer than you anticipated, and you still had to write up the report and have it on your boss' desk by 9 AM the next morning. He had been a thorn in your side, consistently pushing your buttons. He always insisted on having paper copies of every report. "It makes your report more meaningful," he said, "otherwise you're just repeating someone else's words." It took all the professionalism in you not to reach across his cluttered desk and slap him then.

By the time you reached the office, the sky had dulled into a dark grey, and the lamp posts cast their warm glow onto the street. You said goodnight to the exiting coworkers and rushed through the doors to see that Gwen, the receptionist, was leaving, too. She called out to you as you walked past the reception.

"Hey! There's something for you on your desk."

You nodded.

"Thank you."

"Doesn't say who it's from though."

You thought for a moment; a small smile crept onto the corner of your lips.

"I think I might have an idea."

Gwen gave you an understanding look and headed out. You approached your cubby in anticipation and were greeted with a sweet floral smell emanating from the bouquet that sat next to your keyboard. You took it in your hand and marvelled. It was a peculiar combination, one you couldn't really find at flower shops, held together by a simple ribbon of blue cloth. No crinkly wrapping paper. The light shade of blue hyacinth went so well with the bluebells, coupled with orange peonies and a single olive branch, which created a harmony pleasing to the eyes and nose. The piece of paper nestled in the bouquet only indicated your name in a neat font, but other than that, nothing. Still, it brought a smile to your face, a speck of joy on an arduous day. You pulled out your phone and typed out a quick text before sending it off.

Thank you for the flowers. They're beautiful.

You still had a soft smile on your face by the time you got ready to write the report. Your phone vibrated, signaling a text message.

What flowers?

Your brows scrunched together in puzzlement. You took a photo and sent it off. Not a minute later, you got a response.

Wasn't from me.

A slight hollowness carved itself into your throat. You texted back.

Oh. Are you sure?

The response came quickly.

Dead serious. You might have a secret admirer ;)

Never mind then.

You set your phone down only to have the phone vibrate again.

Wannna go out tonight? Me and my buddies are going to this new club on Fifth Ave.

You sighed, dreading the idea of having to stay at work late. But you didn't like the sound of going out either.

I'm alright. Just a little tired tonight. Have fun though!

The read receipt and a heart popped up on your last message. That was it. You turned your phone to silent mode before opening a new document; your recorder and notepad were ready by your side.

By the time your report was put on your boss' desk, it was already 9:30. You exhaled heavily, feeling the weight on your shoulders chip away. You took the flowers with you and nodded to the security guard on your way out. It was late, and you didn't feel like cooking, so you made a detour to the soup and sandwich shop around the corner and placed an order. You sat down on the bench by the window, allowing the gush of heat from the radiator to warm your legs. There was music coming from across the narrow street; its volume changed as people filtered in and out. People were smoking outside, chatting animatedly with one another. It stirred something in you. You worked late on a Thursday night, getting takeout by yourself because you couldn't even fathom the thought of whipping up a simple meal. You opened your last message with Andy, wondering if it was too late to change your mind.

You met Andy through Mindy when her workplace went out for happy hour. It was just shy of two weeks after you cut things off with Matt. He was a nice, easy-going guy who tried to include you in conversations throughout the night. Mindy's forms of suggestion came in the subtle look of her eyes, the slight inclines of her head, and often, a jab of her elbow. It annoyed you how much she tried to look out for you even though you didn't need her help, but at the end of the night, the triumphant was hers. Andy asked for your number, and you agreed out of an obligation you felt for Mindy's relentless effort for you to move on. It had been two months since the first date, with many dates between then and now, and all you could say about it could be summed up in one word: fine. You didn't feel a spark. Andy could be charming at times, funny, and generous. You liked him, but your heart didn't beat wildly for him. He wasn't anything like Matt. Andy was the one you should want.

So why did you still feel a sense of hesitation?

You looked at the bouquet, your curiosity piqued. Taking out your phone, you typed in the flower combination laid on the narrow counter. Scrolling through the array of articles, you noticed the keywords they shared in common.

Apology. Ask for forgiveness. Wrongdoings.

You read and read, and the realization seeped in. The clarification didn't give you any relief, only mild irritation. Matt fucking Murdock. Who gave him the right to remind you of his presence when it still lingered around? It was an undeniable indication of how much you were still so helplessly captivated by your history with him, thinking about him like he was an old wound that ached every now and then to remind you that you had always had it and that you could never be rid of it. Memories of Matt, just like the pain, were a part of you now, and you couldn't bury them or try to forget them. You had to live with them, and hopefully, when it was finally enough time had passed, you could look back at the memories with fondness, a sweet bitterness over someone you couldn't have, but you had long accepted the fact.

For the moment, the fondness was replaced by irritation. With dinner in your hand, you walked out of the door, leaving the bouquet in the trash can of the quaint restaurant.

Over the next six months, so much changed, but the one constant thing that did not was Matt's attempts to reach you and still give you the distance you needed. Once a week, on the same day, a bouquet of flowers was delivered to your desk. They never included the sender, only the recipient, and always had the same connotation.

I'm sorry.

You had to admit it was sweet. It also earned you looks of admiration and teasing from your coworkers, who were cooing over the fact that your boyfriend was such a sweetheart. For the few times someone mentioned it, you had to clarify. Andy wasn't your boyfriend anymore, and he hadn't been for the last two months.

When you broke up with Andy, it came as a surprise to him. He thought everything was going well, but your perception of the relationship was the opposite. You weren't into him; you were into the idea of having him as a placeholder for Matt. It was the cruel truth. Being with Andy didn't make you happy, and you doubted it would be any different if you were with someone else. You wanted more. You wanted the thing that you couldn't have with Matt, and at this point, you had settled for the fact that it would never be yours. But for now, you were okay with being by yourself. You wanted to be alone in your own existence and accepted the fact that when the right time came, it would come with the right person. For the first time in a long time, you felt the burden that clouded your head fall away like a crumbling infrastructure.

You quit your job despite your boss's pathetic attempts to stop you from leaving, promising you a promotion that would make you his right-hand woman. It was more work for just a little more money, and it wasn't worth it. To your luck, shortly after leaving the newspaper, you got hired as a junior staff writer for an independent publishing house. You still got to enjoy parts of the work you liked before, with better pay and a more relaxed schedule. You had more time to enjoy what you couldn't before.

Gwen still kept in touch with you, telling you about the bouquet of flowers showing up a few days after you left. And then, after that week, none at all. You figured Matt had a way of finding out about your new workplace since, shortly after the change, new bouquets were delivered to your desk promptly as if nothing had changed only except for the fact that you stopped throwing them away. You had started to enjoy them. Who knew there were so many ways to apologize to someone with flowers?

You thought you would cross paths with him eventually, but you didn't know it would be a peculiar chance encounter like this.

The gloomy sky haunted the skyline of New York City all day, teasing with little drops here and there. The air was heavy, as if it was holding itself in anticipation of a great storm. You prayed it wouldn't rain before you got home, but as you were halfway there, the sky parted, and the downpour was vicious. You couldn't see too far in front of you, and out of desperation, you ran up the stairs of the nearest shelter. You stood awkwardly on the small porch of the building as heavy droplets railed on the pavement in a frantic rhythm. You leaned a shoulder on the wall, exhausted and drenched, looking helplessly out into the downpour that showed no sign of stopping soon. Water dripped from your lashes, and with each blink, you saw a moving silhouette formed in the misty veil. Your heart beat faster and faster as the silhouette approached until he became someone you knew too well. Emerged from the rain was Matt, his breathing heavy, but you doubted it was from running from the rain, for his footsteps slowed, hesitant as he sensed that the porch he was approaching wasn't vacant. And the space was occupied by none other than the woman that haunted his fitful sleep and waking daydreams.

For a long moment, you could only stare. The water clung to him like how every piece of your existence that used to long for his approval and touch did. And Matt seemed to do the same thing. You couldn't bring yourself to break the silence. Your eyes were wide open as if you were afraid his presence was only something your mind made up. That he wasn't real. And just like that, you were starstruck again. Just like the first time you saw him after you realized that you loved him. In the gradual slip of the initial shock, you took in the newness in his familiar appearance. His hair was a little longer than when you saw him last, prompting the little curls at the nape of his neck. His dripping briefcase did its best to shield his face from the rain, but you could see the strays followed the slopes and rises of his handsome features. His lips parted, pulling in a deep, slow inhale. He looked like a man who was in disbelief, and truth be told, you felt the same way. Only now did you realize how much you'd missed him.

"What are you doing here?"

You croaked and cleared your throat when you realized your voice was barely a notch above a whisper. Matt shook himself out of the trance, clearing his throat.

"This is, uhm– my office."

"Oh!"

In a fit of panic, you didn't realize that it was the Nelson, Murdock and Page office. What kind of cruelty had fate forced upon you? You sighed, an apology on your lips as you put your bag above your head.

"I'm so sorry, I will go–"

Before you could launch yourself into the pouring rain, Matt stopped you with a hand on your elbow.

"No, please. Stay."

And because he knew you so well, he could sense your hesitation.

"You can get warm upstairs and wait until it's better out there."

You watched the way the tips of his ears had turned into a darker shade of pink. This anticipation reminded you of the time when, with just a look, you knew you had fallen for him. You swallowed and managed to croak a soft "okay." Matt nodded, a little breathless himself, as if he was relieved that you agreed to stay. He pulled out the key and unlocked the door before holding it open for you to step inside. You walked the stairs, remembering the last time you were here. Your heart was in fragments, barely held together by your nerves, by the time you reached the final steps.

You roamed your eyes around the office as Matt turned on the old heater along the wall. It looked about the same, but now there was a monstera adding a touch of green to the space. You shrugged off your damp coat, and Matt took it out of your hands. The gesture felt so natural, you thought to yourself as you watched him hang the coat next to his by the door. He had stripped down to a simple white dress shirt and black slack, and you averted your eyes at the sight of his torso visible under the wet shirt as if you hadn't seen him naked before. He threw his tie on the desk and came out of his office with a throw blanket. He held it out until you took it. It looked handmade and felt soft to the touch. Matt pulled a chair out for you in front of the heater. You thanked him and put your bag by your feet after taking the seat. A brief moment of silence followed, and Matt immediately assumed his position as the gracious host.

"Do you want some tea? We have the kind that … that you like."

A shiver ran through you. A cup of tea didn't sound too bad.

"Please. If you don't mind."

He waved his hand dismissively and walked towards the kitchen. You listened to the sound of him rummaging around in the small room. Feeling awkward just sitting there and not being useful, you called out.

"Do you need some help?"

"I got it. You stay warm."

You settled against the chair, wrapping yourself in the blanket. Feeling the gentle and warm brush of the radiator on your legs, you shivered slightly. Your heart was hammering in your chest, and you tried to calm yourself down by focusing on the monstera leaves instead of the presence of the man who once broke your heart.

Matt came back to the room with a steaming mug, and you took it gratefully. It looked like he didn't make any for himself. You took a sip, allowing the tea to burn your tongue.

"How have you been?"

His question knocked at the mutual understanding of your situation. You weren't exactly friends, and you were long past the point of lovers. But it didn't have to be awkward. With so much history between you, all the memories twisted and turned and took off, swirling furiously like the storm outside. But there was a blessing in it. The storm was out of your reach, and right here, right now, you were safe. The person who lapped up crumbs of attention from the man who never explicitly gave them was a part of you. But not anymore. You could start fresh.

"I'm fine. I figured you knew about my new job?"

Matt dipped his head sheepishly as if to hide his expression of being caught.

"I did. Are you enjoying it?"

"I am. It's a lot less stressful when I don't have to answer my boss' unreasonable demands. I get more freedom in what I do. The pay is much better, too."

A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

"I'm glad. It seemed like you had a bad time at the newspaper."

"Yeah, I did."

You nodded, feeling a brief wash of melancholy at the mention of your old job.

"I know the flowers come from you."

There was no point in avoiding the subject. Your heart was on the verge of exploding, but you had to. You both knew it was coming.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for overstepping. Just say the word, and I'll stop any kind of contact with you."

When you didn't respond, he continued with his face angled towards you. The window behind him cast sharp shadows on his face, and from this point of view, you could see the agony on his face.

"I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I just … I had to try to show how sorry I was. How sorry I still am."

"I know."

You sighed.

"As much as I would like to blame it all on you, it was on me as well."

At that, Matt sat up straighter and protested.

"That's not true–"

Your hand sprung out to hold his hand, keeping him there. Matt stilled as if your touch had paralyzed him.

"Please, listen to me."

You went on despite the slight shake in your voice.

"I let my expectations run wild even though we were clear from the start. It was a mutual benefit arrangement."

His other hand came to rest on top of yours. Warmth seeped from the palms of his hands, and you wished you were enveloped in his embrace instead.

"I stepped over the line myself. I wanted to show you how much you mean to me. I gave you mixed signals and lied to you about my own feelings."

You inhaled deeply. 

"What feelings?"

"I really thought it was better to keep you at arm's length and not let myself … feel things for you, but I did anyway. I should have been honest with you. But I thought I wasn't deserving of someone like you."

Your heart rattled in the cage that was your chest.

"What are you saying, Matt?"

A sorrowful relief caressed his face.

"I love you. I regret not saying that to you every day we were apart."

You felt as if all the air was pulled out of your lungs.

"Don't lie to me, please. I don't want you to just– just say what I want to hear. I'd rather never have you than to have you unwillingly."

Matt placed your hand on his heart, letting you feel the rhythm underneath your palm. Erratic, wild and uncontrollable, just like yours.

"I only want you. I think about you all the time. I'm miserable when you're not around."

"I don't know what to say …"

He brought your hand to his lips and kissed it with a tenderness you had missed dearly.

"That's okay. Take your time. I'll wait for you as long as you need."

He paused briefly, then continued as if it took great strength for him to utter the words.

"Even if you no longer feel the same, it's okay, too."

You couldn't conceal the wide smile in your voice.

"I mean, telling a girl that you love her before going on a first date with her? Mindy wouldn't like that."

Matt chuckled, the sound warm like the honey he put in your tea.

"Was Mindy the one …?"

"Yup. She doesn't like you at all."

"I deserve that."

You caressed his face, feeling the stubble along his jawline. There was a feeling you thought you would never get again, but now, you were basking in its glow.

"Can we … can we take it slow?"

His lips found the palm of your hand, kissing it tenderly.

"Of course. Anything you want."

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[thisisourlovestory]

Safe and Sound

Finnick Odair x reader soulmate AU

Summary: you are a victor from district 4. The Quarter Quell has just been announced. How will you cope with the turn of events coming your way.

Wordcount- 3.9k

Notes- okay so this has taken a lot longer than I thought it would but it’s here now finally. And I have changed my url so I’m sorry if you thought this was some random person tagging you

Chapter 6

I woke up the next morning sprawled across my bed and tangled in the sheets. I stumbled up and made my way into the dining area, only bothering to wrap a dressing gown around myself so as to not expose my arms. Unfortunately Lysander greeted me much too cheerfully the second I stepped foot in the room, with a wide grin and loud words.

“Good morning!” He trilled. “Sit, sit and eat. You have an important day ahead of you.” I slumped down into a seat and grabbed an apple, biting into the crisp red skin and sinking my teeth deep into its flesh.

“So what did you get up to with the lovely Megara last night?” He inquired as an avox served him a plate of toast piled with eggs and cheese and ham. I judged his choice in food for a moment and then almost snorted as his words registered in my mind. He certainly wasn't being subtle at all I thought as Finnick and Mags entered and seated themselves. I took another bite out of my apple and grinned.

I stepped out of the bathroom in a pair of silk pyjama shorts and a loose top. Megara was sprawled across my bed, shovelling ice cream into her mouth as fast as physically possible. She noticed me and smacked the bed.

“Sit.” I sat. “Now spill. You and Finnick flipping Odair.” I sighed.

“Pass me a cupcake. No, not that one. No, no, yes. Thanks.” I peeled the case off and bit into it, the rich chocolate and caramel spreading across my tongue. “I found out when I first got it.” I showed her my wrist and she inspected it closely. “We were, well we were friends I suppose. After I won that is. I saw his once, it was an accident. I don’t think anyone else really knows he even had one.” I took another bite of my cupcake. “We kinda stuck together for a couple of years. He helped me through the aftermath and the nightmares and everything.” She looked at me curiously.

“So what happened?”

“Annie Cresta happened. When she won everything changed. You know how the boy she went in with that year was decapitated and she lost it?”

“Everyone knows, though the Capitol tries to brush over it.” I laughed quietly.

“Well when she came back she was absolutely broken. She couldn’t function by herself. So Finnick helped her. At first I knew it was necessary, she probably would have offed herself otherwise, but the days passed to weeks and weeks to months. He had just,” I breathed, “He had just left me and gone to her.”

Megara's mouth opened in a shocked expression.

“You would’ve been fifteen?”

“Almost sixteen.”

“And he just, what, abandoned you?” I shrugged.

“Love is weird. It comes and goes at the most unexpected of times and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.” She placed a hand on her forehead.

“Okay, sorry for interrupting. Please continue.”

“The nightmares came back, I spiralled, I spent I think two months here. Doing shows, staying as far away from them as I could. I mainly talked to Effie and Haymitch.” I smiled fondly. “They were really something. Always bickering and picking at each other like an old married couple. They made me laugh a lot, the only thing I laughed at really. Then it all changed again. But that’s not relevant.” I ignored her look and powered ahead. “I stopped talking to anyone, unless I had to, I wouldn’t say a word. I sang at shows but nothing more. And that was my life I guess. Not happy, not sad. It just was.”

Megara unexpectedly leapt across the bed and engulfed me in a hug.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that.” She pulled away. “I can't imagine if I met my soulmate and then had to pretend like they meant nothing to me.” I smiled back at her sadly.

“Like I said, love is weird. And why would he want me when he has her.” With that I flopped down in bed and curled up in a ball. “Goodnight.”

“We didn't do anything interesting. I ate a bit then fell asleep. I was tired.” I smiled tightly at Lysander, a glint of challenge in my eyes before my gaze slipped to my plate and I took a second bite out of my apple. It tasted like ash in my mouth. “What's on the agenda today?” With that his eyes lit up and he beamed.

“Training.”

As it turned out, training was in fact the only thing on the agenda. I walked into the room and was greeted by the sight of the majority of the other tributes already showing off. My eyes flicked around the room for a second, Finnick was already bothering Katniss, the girl looked extremely unimpressed at him showing her how to tie a knot in the rope and didn't even try to hide her disgusted expression as he pretended to hang himself. I made my own way over to the survival skills section, I immediately picked up two pieces of wood and began to rub them together to little effect. Just as I was about to give up a shadow appeared above me.

“You have to rub quicker, and lower down.” Katniss took the sticks from me and demonstrated. “See.” I nodded slowly.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” With that she turned and made her way to one of the compartmentalised training rooms, grabbing a bow and a sheaf of arrows along the way. I watched from a distance as she put an arrow through each glowing hologram that appeared. I started as I saw one holding an axe and it immediately disintegrated, a small bolt of fear shooting through me. Were they supposed to represent us? My question was answered as another showed up holding a trident and resulted in the same fate. The closer I watched, I could see more similarities between the holograms and all the people stood watching. Johanna and Finnick were obvious, two appearing next to each other and reacting in sync, Cashmere and Gloss, one with long, sharp nails that none of the others had, Enobaria. A really burly one, Brutus and a couple of spindly ones, the morphlings.

Bile rose in my throat as Katniss annihilated them all. Then just as everyone thought the simulation had ended, a final hologram appeared. Smaller and thinner than all the others and it threw a golden blaze at her which she ducked and suddenly an arrow was lodged in it and it dissolved like all the others. It was clear that it was supposed to be. All the movements of the other holograms had been techniques the corresponding victors used in their games, the weapons they were most famed for using. And the Capitol had simply taken those moves and projected them into the simulation. But for me, the only moves I had back then were throwing that one knife and then my shoes. So that was what they had to use. I stayed frozen in my spot as the others stared at Katniss, contemplating looks in their eyes. I could see the cogs turning in their brains, they wanted her as their ally, who wouldn't to be honest. She was the favourite to win at the moment- perhaps also Finnick- and she would get sponsors upon sponsors. I watched her gaze pass over all of them to settle on me; I stared back at her blankly for a moment before she looked over to Peeta who stood watching her from the camouflage station, his arm covered in detailed paintings of rocks and tree bark. He smiled slightly and turned back to his work.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see a grinning Finnick.

“Quite the spectacle she's put on wouldn't you say?” He asked and I hummed in response. “She'd be a good ally.” I shrugged.

“I guess.”

“You guess?” He scoffed. “With an aim like that she could take out all of us in a matter of seconds.” My lip quirked upwards at his words. He didn't know just how true they were.

“I suppose, but if she was your ally, one wrong move and you'd be six feet under. But by all means, ally with the girl on fire; when she decides to kill you- don't say I didn't warn you.” I spun on my heel and strode away from him, my shoulder tingled where he had touched me and I felt a tug in my chest at the growing distance. It was as if the more time we spent around each other the more the- well I suppose the word that the Capitol used to describe it was a bond- the more the bond seemed to recognise us as soulmates and tried to drag us together. It was the only reasonable explanation for why he was talking to me.

I walked with my head down, stepping to the side to avoid bumping into other people. I made my way to a station where the two from district 3 had settled themselves at after struggling to light a fire and were fiddling around with wires and bolts. I sat myself down and picked up a few thin pieces of bronze metal. I twisted them together, intricately weaving them in a complicated pattern so they formed a pin of sorts. I twisted my hair up and stuck it through, the metal scraping along my scalp as I shook my head to make sure it was secure.

“The gamemakers won't be too impressed with that.” Beetee spoke quietly from beside me and I made a face.

“I don't really care. They're the ones hiding behind a forcefield.” His gaze sharpened.

“How do you know that?” I shrugged in response.

“The shimmer in the corners. Makes it look a bit like glass but they don't want us to know they're afraid of us and glass is too noticeable. Next best thing is a forcefield, I mean it uses a lot of the energy in this place. Zaps it like,” I snapped my fingers, “that, but most people won't know how to recognise it at all so they can keep up their pretences without worrying about one of us trying to murder them where they stand.”

Beetee stared at you for a second before a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“A scholar I see.”

“Just curious.”

“Not even some adults back home would be able to tell me that.” Beetee murmured. “You've done your research.” I looked up to the gamemakers.

“Well,” I spoke softly, scratching at my wrist absently,”you never know what they'll throw at you and it's always good to be prepared.” He hummed in assent as Wiress tugged on a loose strand of my hair, babbling nonsense under her breath. I gently extracted myself from her fingers and wished them a pleasant day, a hint of sarcasm in my voice, before I left them to fiddle with their little toys.

I found myself wandering through the huge building, mindlessly gazing around. My eyes flitting over the white surfaces, shining brightly in the even whiter light from the ceilings. All of a sudden I heard voices. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, was that Finnick and Haymitch? Talking to Plutarch Heavensbee? I listened intently, pressing myself against the wall next to the tiny crack in the door to hear better. My eyes gradually widened with each sentence that left their mouths, I couldn't believe it myself, I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't been hearing it directly from the source. They stopped talking and I ran. I sprinted down the corridors and to the lifts, frantically pressing the buttons as I entered and running out just as quickly. I didn't slow down until I slammed the door to my room shut and launched myself onto my bed, clutching a pillow so hard my knuckles started to turn white. They were planning to get Katniss out of the games and start a revolution. A revolution. My mind repeated those words for minutes, my mouth moving to spell it out in disbelief. Slowly the disbelief I felt faded into determination. They clearly hadn’t been about to tell me anything about it, I wouldn’t be included in their alliance. But I could sure as hell help.

Throughout the next couple of days, I woke up as early as possible to train without anyone watching me. I would take my ballet shoes down with me and wear them as I threw knives at the holograms, rise onto my toes and dance around them in circles until my feet were bleeding and bruised. The pain only made me work harder, if I could fight with my feet broken beneath me then I could run forever and wouldn’t feel a thing. On the last day before the games would begin I did the same as I had been. But when I had destroyed the holograms a hundred times over I didn’t stop, I dropped the daggers in my hands and closed my eyes as I spun and leapt. For the first time in years no one was watching me and I could just dance. Even on the train there had been cameras pointed at me but in the interest of not wanting anyone to get mad and try to kill them the gamemakers had left the training room cameraless. So I danced as if I was a child again and my mother was watching me from the door of the house cheering me on. And then I fell. My ankle gave out beneath me and I crashed to the floor. I landed on my side, my arms crossed to hold my head off the floor. I pushed myself up and undid my shoes; pulled them off my feet and stood up. When I fell I had accidentally pressed a button and holograms had appeared again. I reached down to grab the daggers again as they advanced towards me.

“You wanna play?” One of them threw the knife they were holding at me. It skimmed my cheek; I lifted a hand up to touch it. My fingers came away red and I laughed quietly. “Fine, I’ll play.” With that something inside me cracked and I leapt forward. I was like a hurricane as they all rushed at me and I weaved through the gaps leaving bloody footprints wherever I stepped. I rained down blow after blow on them, if holograms could bleed I would have been covered. But they couldn’t bleed and they couldn’t die, they just disintegrated into orange sparks whenever my blade hit home in their rib cages only for more to take their place. I dodged and threw and stabbed until I thought the simulation ended and I stood in the centre of the room. The air moved and in the blink of an eye I spun and struck, the last thing I saw of the hologram was the trident in it's hand. Then I heard the clapping.

I turned around quickly to see Johanna watching me. I quickly stepped outside.

“What do you want?” She grinned.

“Who knew you could fight princess. I’d actually be quite impressed if I didn’t think you’d payed for some poor Capitol bastard to teach you.” A hysterical giggle forced itself out of my throat and for a second an unreadable expression passed over her face like a cloud. I picked up my shoes by the ribbons and let them dangle by my legs as her eyes went to my feet. “Aww did standing up by herself for a moment make the princesses feet hurt?” I swallowed.

“You don’t know me Johanna Mason.” I spat. “You don’t know anything about me so do not make assumptions about things that you do not understand.” She watched me walk away, yelling after me.

“See you later princess.” I ignored her, focusing on not leaving a trail of blood back to the room.

A few hours later, after I had bandaged up my feet, I headed back down for the evaluations. The others were already there and I sat down at the end of a bench. Feeling eyes on me I looked up and locked eyes with Katniss, she stood up and made her way over to me. She sat down silently and I looked at the pin she had on her top.

“A mockingjay.” She looked up at me surprised.

“Yeah. How did you know?” I laughed.

“Some members of the Capitol have them as pets. Ones they managed to catch after the jabberjays bred with mockingbirds. They domesticated them and have them sing all day every day.” My voice turned sharp. “They don’t like being reminded of their failures so they turn them into spectacles.” My head turned as the robotic voice spoke ‘Y/N L/N report for evaluation.’ I stood up slowly and walked past Finnick who was exiting and into the training room. I was greeted by the sight of the gamemakers laughing and talking with each other, completely ignoring my presence as I made my way over to the weapons stand. One of them spared me a glance before dismissing me. They knew who I was and they didn’t think I was a threat. I took a step forward, narrowing my eyes and realised something. The force field was strong if it was concentrated, but it was only being held together by four balls that it was projected out of, one in each corner creating a screen. So it was strong at the outside but where it all met in the centre would be weaker. I grinned at my revelation and practically skipped back to the table with the knives on. I picked one up and balanced it on my finger, I quickly looked around and grabbed a long piece of rope, tying it around the handle. I twisted the end of the rope around one hand and pirouetted, as my head whipped to the front I let the knife fly through the air, right through the centre of the forcefield. It embedded itself in a piece of watermelon and then the wall. I gripped the rope harder and yanked towards me, I caught the knife and raised the dripping red fruit up to my mouth to take a bite as I curtseyed deeply, dipping my head and letting my foot slide as far behind as possible. I smiled sweetly at their horrified expressions. You can almost see the thoughts running through their heads I mused as I walked calmly out of the room, head held high.

I was waylaid by Lysander who dragged me back to the room and made Finnick and I sit until the scoring was announced hours later, I was almost falling asleep in my chair. Yawning widely and eyes drooping until the music sounded and I bolted up. The second Gloss’ photo appeared on screen with a score of 10 flashing under him my heart sank. My little outburst would probably not have gained me anything other than a low score. The rest of the careers had predicatably high scores, Brutus an 11 and Finnick the same. Lysander screeched happily at his score, patting him on the back furiously and I murmured my congratulations. Then it was my turn. My face appeared on the screen and a bright bold number 12 flashed underneath it. I spat out my water in shock and blinked rapidly as Lysander gaped at the screen. Mags patted me gently on the shoulder, giving me a small smile; Finnick leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees.

“Congratulations angel.” The nickname shook me out of my trance.

“Angel?” He shrugged and gave me an easy smile.

“Yeah, you looked like an angel on the chariots and you certainly act like an angel, especially with that little girl.” His voice turned serious. “But something tells me you aren’t such an angel as everyone thinks you are.” My lip twitched and I forced it to stay in a straight line.

“Maybe you’re right.” I turned around, my back to him, his eyes searing into my skin as I whispered. “But some things cannot be determined with a passing glance.”

The next day was the day of the interviews. I was slumped in a chair, clad in a silk robe, as my prep team scoured my body. They perfected every imperfection they could find until my skin was like a blank canvas. All the while they chattered, asking me not so subtly about my evaluation score and even less subtly if I had a soulmate- thankfully they didn’t question my insistency that I covered my wrist while they ‘cleaned me up’. I ignored them for the most part until Priscilla began to waffle on about Finnick. I clenched my fists and tried to block her out, waiting for her to finish. But she wouldn't stop, she went on and on about him, his… relationships with Capitol women and then what a shame it was that he might die. My fingernails dug crescent moons into my palms until I felt pinpricks of pain and saw tiny specks of blood beading on my skin. I settled for fiddling with the robe until they left. The girls walked through the door giggling with each other as Quintus turned around to me.

“I understand how you feel.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“You have a soulmate yes?” I nodded slowly. “But he either doesn’t want you or doesn’t know about you.” I nodded again.

“The second.”

“I had a soulmate once.”

“You did?” I mumbled.

“It was about 15 years ago. I had just started working here for the games and she was a tribute.” He laughed slightly and ran his hand through his hair. “She hated me, I tried to get her to run away with me before the games could start but she wouldn’t let the kid from her district die even if it meant she lived. They only lasted 5 days in the arena.” He smiled sadly. “But those last couple of days she was alive and I got to see her were the best couple of days in my life.”

“What are you saying?” I whispered.

“Don’t waste time. Every second with the ones we love is precious.” Just as suddenly as he had begun the conversation he left the doorway, leaving me in silence.

Soon enough Megara came in, laden with bags upon bags containing god knows what. She dragged a chair over and sat down opposite me. She pulled out a teapot and two cups before setting them down on the table ignoring my incredulous look. She poured tea into the two cups added a splash of milk and sugar to one and gave me an inquisitive look. I shook my head, clearing my thoughts as I poured milk into the cup and spooned 3 teaspoons of sugar into the cup.

“So honey, how are you feeling about the interviews?”

“Honey? Aren’t you younger than me.”

“Nope,” she popped the p,” I’m 24.” I sighed.

“They can only go so badly right.” She grinned; took a sip of her tea, placed it down, stood up and walked over to a huge bag hung up on the door.

“I suppose we’ll see then.” She unzipped the bag and I gasped.

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@nekee-lilac02 @hinata7346 @bambikitten @the-lonely-abyss @mxacegrey @m-maxie-ie @not-aya @camatchoum @maw1dk @avoxrising @meri-soni-meri-tamanna @somdreamy @thehairington86 @millzluvrs @val-writesstuff @erindiggory @reader-bookling123 @elisa20beth @maxinehufflepuffprincess @mariaelizabeth21-blog1 @mystargirl-interlude @ponkaniee @missunicorn @thatonegayloser616 @livibbu @cherrsnut @honethatty12 @miserablebl00d @yourmumstoy @wonderland2425 @fairy-alix @purplelavin @user123453226780536 @littleanubis21 @abbersreads @tenshis-cake

[butwhatifidothis]

I LOVED To Be a Creature, and it genuinely creeped me out to see the things Edelgard and Hubert said to Byleth (though it's the same as the game, stripped out of its voice acting and background music, the dialogue is so much more horrifying). Really makes me wonder if Edelgard's love for Byleth is genuine in any way. Do you think there's any real love there or is it just obsession?

Thank you!!! I had a feeling that placing Edelgard and Hubert's words in a context that isn't meant to make them look flattering would really let their casual racism shine, and I'm glad it's seeming like that is in fact the impression people are getting lol. SO sorry for the late answer btw 😭😭😭

As for whether Edelgard's love is genuine... I got opinions lmao.

got a bit long lmao under the cut it goes

If Edelgard felt the way she does for Byleth on exclusively SS and CF, I could maybe see how this is a "genuine" love (insofar as a love steeped in "I may hate your race but you're special and Not Like The Other Ones because I think you're special to me" can, uh, ever be genuine, in any case). But because Edelgard still feels as strongly towards Byleth on AM and VW where she quite literally never talks to them directly in any meaningful way, it becomes waaaaay more like she's just weirdly obsessed with this person who saved her one singular time ever five years ago from an attack Edelgard set up. It makes the "love" way more forced and contrived and obviously trying to squeeze tears out of the player for standing up against the cute girly trying to murder them. Or, alternatively, it makes Edelgard come off as manipulative, saying that she just wanted to walk with Byleth and it makes her so sad to HAVE to fight Byleth because BYLETH wouldn't stand by HER - and she's saying this on AM/VW to a person she's talked to in conversation a cumulative, what? Hour? Two? Maybe a few days, being nice? Over the course of, being as absolutely generous as physically possible and not counting the five years Byleth was missing... two fucking years? She's shitting herself over fighting this stranger she doesn't fucking know? Yeah, sure buddy, whatever you say - you see what I mean?

And honestly even outside of those two routes, I think it's more that she sees Byleth as being hers rather than actually liking them for who they are. A body to stand next to her and tell her how right she is and comfort her - who doesn't have the background of "I was literally raised to think this is my only purpose in life" muddying the sincerity of the brown-nosing - who also happens to also act as The Perfect Fighter and The Perfect Strategist to actively help her get what she wants. That view of Byleth being a tool doesn't really go away unless they marry her, seen by how they quite literally get nothing for all they've done for Edelgard should they go unmarried to a noble (guess they just weren't meritable enough once their use to her was done).

As well as how much more Edelgard doesn't like Byleth disagreeing with her or otherwise going against her flow than pretty much anyone else in the game - you lose supports points if you don't think the Black Eagle Strike Force name she made is good, she quickly denies the notion that Byleth is detached from others/emotions and insists they are just like she is, she gives them the same callous and thoughtless words she was apparently given once in her life while they are in the midst of mourning their recently murdered father so that they get over it already and get back to being useful to her (directly saying she will only reach out her hand when it's time for HER to move forward, not when BYLETH heals from WATCHING THEIR DAD DIE IN THEIR FUCKING ARMS MAYBE A WEEK AGO). She never treats Byleth kindly unless they do everything she wants, which like. Isn't love???? At all????

There's just this... weirdly possessive air Edelgard has around Byleth that always threw me off, especially with how easily she admits to have been willing to kill them so far into CF and how readily she cuts ties with them the second the fighting's done (which is particular because how just how clingy she was to Byleth everywhere else - you know during all that time Byleth had a use to her). Incorporating that into being an intentional part of her character is certainly interesting, but not in a way that's flattering to the idea of Edelgard genuinely being in love with Byleth lmao.

Personally tho, even disregarding almost everything else, the simple explanation is that I don't think you can really sit there and say you love someone while openly hating part of their racial heritage. Wild thought, I know lmao

[pitot-0]

Easter eggs for player's name (spoilers ahead if u wanna discover it urself!)

I'll be including the dialogues when you enter it as the name/nickname

-maleyanderecafe

"Clever, are we? Do you want a round of applause?"

"Well, then you should know how it ends..."

"Don't you?"

-C4, Candy, Lunar

"Haha, what a sick individual."

"Perhaps it's best not to act so innocent..."

"When you know what you are already."

-Alpha, P1

"You just wanted to be accepted into the world, didn't you?"

"To be friends with everyone just like in the stories..."

"But what happens when..."

"You finally break?"

-Beta, P2

"You just wanted to be loved, finally and forever..."

"But they never would have stayed with you otherwise."

"I mean it's not really your fault..."

"It's theirs."

-Scientist

"Kind of a strange name for a prodigy, wouldn't you say?"

"But the guilt you feel is pretty immense..."

"This is all your fault..."

"And it always has been."

-Gamma, P3

"Why do you always pretend to be the villain?"

"You try so very hard to be unlikable and yet..."

"Hahahaha..."

"When will you finally succeed in making sure everyone despises you?"

-Delta, P4

"It must be really sad all alone like that..."

"You want to forget, you really do but..."

"Well, you just know more than you ever should..."

"Maybe like the fact you're playing on a ___ system or something?"

"Haha...just kidding."

-Emil

"With a smile of gold to hide a darkened heart..."

"Doesn't it feel like it's in your nature?"

"First Impressions are everything."

-Thella

"What a noble person to tarnish."

"But then again, it's just as they say..."

"First impressions aren't everything."

-Ryan

Eris: Why would you ever want to be him?

Eris: How disgusting.

-Milo

Eris: That's your perfect creation.

Eris: Let's not tarnish him just yet, alright?

-Desmond

Eris: Why would you want a name like that?

Eris: He's simply too meddlesome for his own good.

-Seph

Eris: Oh dear, that won't work out at all...

Eris: He's only interested in monsters after all...

Eris: And not the kind that you are.

-Valli

Eris: She's a bit too much of a chatterbox, isn't she?

Eris: That's not really your style though...

-Holly

Eris: It's a bad idea.

Eris: She will have your head otherwise.

-Y/N

"What a dull an unremarkable name."

"That doesn't suit you at all."

-Bussy, Fart, Butt

"Hahaha!"

"Very clever!"

"Now watch this!"

game closes

-Dick, pussy, bitch, boobs

"Ah, a prankster, are we?"

"That's pretty funny, I have to say."

"But oh well."

game closes

-Espoir

"My, hello there. It's you. And everyone else."

"You know I heard that using a certain Ashy name might give different results."

"But that's just a simple rumor..."

"Who knows if it's true."

-Ally

"Oh? Ally? How curious."

"It's such an Amiiable name..."

"It's unfortunate you won't live up to it."

-Tsu, Tsumachi

"Oh? It's you."

"Sorry...there's not really any white hair boys in this game..."

"Haha...hope you're not too disappointed."

-Reiynm

"Oho. It's you."

"Such pretty drawings you make."

"I adore them so."

"I wonder just how pretty the thumbnail would be..."

"Haha...it's nothing. Let's continue."

-Lionel

"Ah, so I'm not the only one who is watching."

"I've been watching you for a while."

"So I hope you enjoy."

"Alright?"

-Cherry

"The one and only."

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll end up in the attic at some point."

-Mari

"You know, I have something special for you."

"Deep inside of the code..."

"Let's check it out, shall we?"

-Veronica, Jason Dean, Heather

"A song hums in your brain."

"I was meant to be yours..."

"We were meant to be one..."

"Don't give up on me now..."

"Finish what we become..."

"How fitting."

-Strade

"Oh, it's you."

"Well, isn't that something..."

"You'll fit right in!"

-Vance

"Don't you wish you were held more?"

"Don't you wish that someone could hug you...?"

"Even if it drove them insane?"

"So desperately you will crawl to make someone love you..."

-Virgil

"Child of the stars. Child of the galaxies."

"You take on many forms, many shapes..."

"Stay with me, you tell them."

"Force them to stay if you can."

"They have no choice."

-Mychael

"Was it hard living in the forest alone?"

"Some terrifying being that wanted to be loved..."

"Well, don't worry. You'll be loved soon enough."

"By force or by..."

"Suggestion."

-Nick

"...You look awfully hungry."

"Should you get something to eat?"

"An arm or a leg...perhaps?"

-Momo

"A peach grown with a small child that comes out."

"A demon ritual made to get the love of your dreams."

"What will be the ending for this tale?"

-Toma

"A older figure to some, or a cage for others."

"You will be taken whether you like it or not."

"It's a promise."

-Cro

"It's weird... I feel like I remember you..."

"Somewhere in a train going down the line."

"You didn't let me leave."

"Did you?"

-Catsket, Dorian, Aeron

"...A god?"

"...No, the devil..."

"Bloodless Art, perhaps..."

"Remake him into your own."

-Cassanova

"Let's try not to get our hands too dirty."

"We can't eat him up just yet."

-Theo, Riese

"Oh my, you should be careful where you tread."

"I've heard vampires like to come about around here."

"Just be careful when you walk around baring your teeth."

-Ezra

"My, I've heard that you have experience..."

"Let's put that to good use."

"Let's hope it ends up well."

-Krow

"An omen of something to come."

"Be careful of what misfortune you bring."

-Fone

"Don't worry, I can hear you."

"You will be found soon."

"I promise."

-Jack

"A ghost of that who comforts."

"At least, that's what it seems

-Alan

"A song hums in your brain."

"Do you know the Hatchet Man?"

"The Hatchet man, the Hatchet man..."

"Do you know the Hatchet Man?"

"Who lives within the woods...."

"How fitting."

-Louie, Mica, Allar, Josh

"My what a colorful name."

"So pretty and yet unexpected."

"Well now, Valentine."

"Try not to eat his heart out."

-Ren, Redacted

"There's no need for you to try to be someone else."

"You will make them accept you and love you."

"He doesn't have a choice.

-Tenebris, Keith

"Of flowers and monsters."

Keith:

"Such a pretty person...and for what?"

"Being too jealous isn't a good look for anyone."

"Tenebris:

"Ah, be careful that your rage doesn't break them."

"It's unfortunate to destroy something before they're even made."

-Aster

"An angel. Someone who lives for you."

"Well, that might have been what you were suppose to be."

"But now it's time to find someone else to be able to fufill that role, hm?"

-Leumin

"It's raining, it's pouring~"

"Milo is snoring~"

"Hahaha..."

"Let's see if he'll enjoy this rainy weather we'll be putting on then..."

-Koolie

"Ha. Are you some sort of dog?"

"Ah, that's kind of funny..."

"Hopefully this doesn't turn out to be as tasteless as milk."

-Zecharias

"Just as memory serves right?"

"Sometimes you can't find your perfect muse..."

"You have to make them."

-Sal

"The evil white shark of the waters..."

"You just wanted to be loved right?"

"Well..."

"Don't we all?"

-Sol

"A name like the sun..."

"Or so they say."

"When you're simply the kid in the back..."

"Would anyone even notice?"

-Eli

"You were made to be loved, weren't you?"

"Sometimes though, you have to make sure you follow your directive."

"And you just have to do it yourself."

-Zachary, Simon, Seth

"This world isn't really that colorful..."

"At least thats what you think."

"Don't look at it through some colored gaze then, alright?"

-Bo, Dachabo

"You look like such an innocent puppy."

"But it's wrong isn't it?"

"You're more like a wolf who lusts for more."

-Liu

"Watch carefully through that door of yours."

"Your eyes darting about."

"You had always watched him from afar."

-Ashton

"Ah, did you jump from another game or something?"

"Don't forget your garden sheers."

"Maybe you might need them."

-Harper

"Ah, are you taking a break from camp?"

"Well hopefully, you find someone for you..."

"And try not to murder anyone, okay?"

-Morgan

"Hm? Are you a librarian or something?"

"Ah, sounds like a quiet job."

"Well, you can hear a lot of secrets, I'm sure."

-Riker

"Ah, so many different endings, so many different faces."

"Keep it together for your love, okay?"

"You're going to need him."

-Griffin

"Ah, like the bird, huh?"

"Did you guys meet on IndyCent or something?"

"Haha, I jest."

-Dameon, Stalker

"What a fluffy figure you have..."

"You must be good at following the things you like, don't you?"

"Well, let's track him down then..."

"Our Perfect Love"

-Nial

"A parasite bringing someone to death..."

"A blue enigma with a killing blow..."

"Let's hope you can keep him alive..."

"He's going to need it."

-Z

"Ah, a real demonic character, huh?"

"Have you taken interest in someone?"

"Let's keep them closer to you..."

"So they can never leave."

-Gold

"Ah? What a peculiar name."

"You wouldn't perhaps have someone who is in a coma, right?"

"Ahaha. It's just a jest."

-Klein

"How long did it take you to finally get what you pleased?"

"Behind that plastic cover..."

"You'll finally break free."

-Friend

"Ah, what a friendly name you have."

"Despite all that, it's quite ironic."

"After all, being friends with you is rather...unfortunate, isn't it?"

-Adam

"Ah, you have experience hurting others, don't you?"

"Says the one above..."

"I'm sure you will get what you deserve."

-Doc, Dre

"Do you like vengeance?"

"You probably do, don't you?"

"Then please..."

"Enjoy to your heart's content."

-Valk

"May you be watched and possessed..."

"Just as you deserve..."

"I hope it's to your liking."

-Melencholy

"Ah, I remember you. You do your best, don't you?"

"Carried us when we all needed it..."

"Please, let's have fun..."

"Creating our very own perfect love."

-Sox

"A perfect househusband or a perfect wife..."

"Maybe both, maybe neither..."

"Well, I'm sure that this will end with someone being taken care of."

"Whether you'd want it or not."

-Calem

"As I've heard, you really are something."

"You love it when someone watches you from above."

"Like a cat, ready to pounce."

-Meru

"The one of the stars, the one of love."

"I've heard them say you're quite the artist."

"Let's make him into a piece of art, shall we?"

-Techno

"Oh? What a curious name..."

"Like a small, little hamster..."

"Well, they do say that if someone dies next to a hamster..."

"They use their face as bedding."

"That's a fun fact, huh?"

-Madelyn

"I did promise something for you, didn't I?"

"Someone or something that's quite cute or cuddly..."

shows image of a cat

"Someone like this then, hm?"

"Haha. I did promise."

-Jablue

"Can you hear him hiding in the walls?"

"Watching...waiting..."

"There's always someone out there, you know..."

"Begging for your love."

-Bambi

"A deer in the headlights, watching so carefully."

"Will you enjoy the corruption that has been brought?"

"It's more fun when they fall by your hand, you know?"

-Song

"A monster in the making is just as fun..."

"Watch as he twists and turns into his new form..."

"Watch as he hatches into something that's just for you..."

-Flaine

"Ah, welcome back, boss!"

"The cheeriest of all, the one who speaks loudly..."

"May we corrupt the one we love the most..."

"Don't forget to finish your comic..."

-Quiet, Quietaxis

"Did I forget about you?"

"You seem familiar..."

"Like you'd be friends with a cute pink character."

image of kirby

"Kind of like that? I suppose?"

"Haha, that's cute."

-Stranger

"Surprising..."

"I didn't think you'd be here."

"The god of death themselves."

-Manly, Manlybadasshero

"Ah, so it's you. And everyone else."

"I've been wondering if you would pick this up."

"So hopefully you enjoy."

"It would be a shame if you didn't."

whew that's a lot lol

I'd separate the nickname one since there is plenty

[wof-reworked]

ok I can't stop thinking about the jade winglet, here's my gender hcs for all of them

Moonwatcher - she/they (nonbinary)

I feel like this is fun bc rn (in canon) her gender is just "anxiety" but like,,, one day in the future she gets to actually play around with it

like she captures a very specific type of person I've met who you go "oh I mean I know she's gay but she's probably cis..." and then you have like one real convo and find out they're like not only nonbinary but better at it then you

I think she should get to be butch when she's older. I think she deserves being a) massive compared to her two twink boyfriends and b) gnc as shit

Kinkajou- any/all (genderfluid +transfem)

Kinkajou strikes me as being like. totally ambivalent to gender. Kinkajou changes her pronouns based on how the fruit he ate for breakfast makes him feel. Kinkajou is better than you

I think she was like staunchly using she/her for a while bc it just felt right and like changes pronouns situationally- Rainwing village is she/her, Jade Academy is any/all, close friends it varies, etc etc

Qibli- he/they (transmasc)

Qibli's just always kind of known who he is, and has been like. pretty contentedly in his corner for a while. I think it's like- a pillar of stability for him of like "at least I know I'm (x)"

Proximity to Moonwatcher puts the they/them in there bc I think it's nice when ppl get more comfortable so they start branching out a lil bit :> Qibli has like. guy who says "he/they" because he doesn't mind they/them and wants his friends to feel supported y'know

Winter- he/him (cis + gnc)

Look I feel bad making him one of like. two cis ppl at JMA but like I think it's funny if he's cis but inflicts a status effect of gender envy on every trans person in his proximity

guy who does makeup flawlessly because "it's fun" and decimates your sense of identity as you wonder why the fuck god gave these gifts to a man

extra funny for the fact that as a dragonet he gets offended by the implication he's pretty. he gets over it eventually I think

Turtle- she/her or he/she/they (transwoman/trans)

See here. Otherwise I think she's like trans and this could go in like. any fucking direction ngl

transmasc turtle??? hell yeah !!! transfem turtle??? hell yeah !!! gender is whatever Turtle has going on and god knows if she knows it

last egg to crack bc Turtle is immune to self reflection that isn't anxiety and self loathing

"Haha everyone hates how other people refer to them and their gender what do you mean? :)" (entire jade winglet: cringing with worry)

Umber- he/him (cis)

cis and a lil insecure about it but like. he's just nice :)

he's like experimented with pronouns and gender and found none of them really stuck so like. cis+. cis (extended dlc). you know what I mean I hope

gonna be honest I'm lost for him bc I genuinely forget he was there bc he peaced out so fast. justice for my boy I want to know more !!!!!

I could be persuaded for transman Umber ngl,,, it tempts me,,,,,,

Peril- she/her (trans woman)

On one hand I'm torn bc I think it almost doesn't make sense for her backstory BUT ON THE OTHER HAND the idea of Scarlet being supportive of Peril's identity and LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE is hysterical to me

though actually if we wanna get sad,,,, that 100% could be a manipulation tactic of Scarlet. "see I love you I even accept you" etc etc. now I just feel bad man

Peril's also in the same camp of Qibli of knowing this abt herself since she could think and being happy in it. She knows what she's about

BONUS:

Carnelian- she/they/he (transmasc)

Look butch can be a gender and sometimes you're a mean butch skywing idk what to tell you

wish she stayed alive bc her and Moon could've been legendary together. girl who will kill for you vs girl who desperately wants you to do anything else please we talked about this you can't solve your problems with murder

I think Carnelian's true gender is Skywing Patriot and idk how to put that in hc form but this is as best I've got

[kitsune-oji]

There's No Guarantee You will be Different

Mc who has been hurt a lot in the past (betrayed, lied to, used) even by those that promised otherwise and were nice at first and struggles to trust others because of it. Not understanding why someone would actually like/love them or not believing them, being scared of getting hurt again and again like in the past.

Characters: Barbatos, Beelzebub

-> feel free to request this with other obey me characters too

Gn! Mc (you/yours)

Warnings/tags: hurt/comfort-y, Reader described as kind and tryna see the best in everyone

"You keep saying you love me, you keep promising that you will never leave, that you'll never hurt me... How do you know that? There's no guarantee. In the past, I've trusted those who told me all that and in the end, they ended up breaking all their promises anyway. Please, don't promise me things you can't keep. Even if you think you can keep them now, you don't know how it will be in the future. Maybe you'll get sick of me too, just like everyone else. I love you too but... I'm just scared. I'm sorry."

Barbatos

"No, please don't apologise. You have every right to be scared and I'm so sorry that you've been hurt so much in the past. I understand that words won't convince you or rid you of your fears, so please... Let me prove it to you with my actions instead."

While Barbatos could technically look into the future, he would have to get Diavolo's permission. After all, he gave away his responsibility over his powers to his master because such knowledge only ended up bringing him sadness before

He's angry at the fact you've been hurt before and so many times at that. You're just too kind, he figures. Always trying to see the good in others and being much more vulnerable than you like to think

With a heart so big, it shouldn't really be surprising anyway

Barbatos decides to protect you as much as possible at least now and to show you just how much he actually loves you through his actions. He would have either way but now it's all the more important

He's literally always there when you need him. It only needs a word from you and he's teleporting to your side in an instant. Diavolo already knows what's up and Barbatos started always preparing everything so that even if he left on a moments notice, his master wouldn't have to miss his service for a second

Since he understands your fears, Barbatos doesn't mind if you need to ask him over and over if he still loves you, if he really won't leave, if you've done something wrong that would finally make him sick of you - he does, he won't, you didn't. Holding you close and letting you cry against his chest is one of the few ways he can soothe you and he's more than happy to do so, gently whispering to you that he does love you and you've done nothing wrong and you deserve so much, even if others hurt you before and couldn't see it

But he doesn't just want to be there when you're down, no

Without particular pattern, Barbatos tries to do little things to make you happy. Instead of one big thing, he likes to pepper them throughout your days to make your time a little sweeter. Like making you your favorite treats or drinks, getting you something you've been needing or wanting recently, just popping in sometime for a hug, a kiss maybe or planning little dates for you two. Whether it be inside - cooking/baking together, watching movies, playing games etc - or outside - a Café date, a picnic, going to a museum

He wants to make sure that you feel loved and when you don't, he just want to be there to remind you that you are, even if you don't believe it

Beelzebub

"... No, I'm sorry. Even if you struggle to understand why, I do love you. Can you allow me to love you anyway, despite your fears? Please."

He's not the best with words but Beel felt his heart shatter when you told him about how you've been treated in the past. It only reinforced his opinion that he needs to protect you, though now also emotionally from others and maybe yourself

Still, he's not one to back down from such a challenge. You're family, you're his friend and his partner and if he didn't at least try, he'd surely be damned to depths even deeper than the devildom

Beel tries to keep close to you, unafraid to show everyone just how much you mean to him. He offers you his favorite foods and makes an effort to get you yours or even try his hand at making them himself

He's always around the corner when you need him, with a big hug and gentle kisses to your head or an intimidating face and strength if anyone is being an ass to you

Even if one of his brothers is the one saying or doing something shitty, Beel speaks up and tells them off for it

Unafraid of a fight because if he can't stand up to those closest to him, it doesn't mean anything when he stands up to strangers, right? (yes, even Lucifer)

Beel seeks out your company as much as possible and invites you to come with him if he needs to go somehwere/accompanies you if you want him to. Unless of course you need you-time or have other plans, though he will make sure to tell you that he's just a message or a call away. A promise which he makes sure to keep every time

[lorei-writes]

... Just some ramblings.

It happened several times that I've been told that I'm an optimist or an otherwise very positive person. There are certain things I don't complain about much, which I presume can give off the wrong idea that nothing goes too askew in my life. In that case, not despairing would be easy.

But that's not real. The time I spent being bedridden in 2022 & 2023 combined exceeds half a year. My day starts with 10+ pills. I've had to start the same degree three times now, despite never failing any exam. I got discarded on the basis of being ill. The list goes on -- I struggle like most people do... And I don't dislike my life. I enjoy being alive, even though some days I wonder why.

[Directed more so at myself than anybody else -- I wanted to organise them in my head a little, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to share it either.]

>> Contentment is everywhere. Enjoy the smallest things.

At one point it felt like settling for less, but now I think that was rather misguided. It's increasing your sensitivity to pleasure more than anything. It can help you stay present in the moment.

I can't have many treats, but I can still drink black tea. The feeling of the hot mug against my hands, the texture of the ceramic. The smell of the tea. Its taste. Being warmed from the inside. The way the loose leafs float in the water... Previously I'd just overlook it, but now it's more pleasurable than any cakes I would have had it with before.

It isn't to say that cakes don't taste good anymore. They're something "extra"... and now I just don't need that "extra" to be content.

>> Your life is the only one you have.

Wondering about "what ifs" is a waste of energy. You live only in the present and cannot rewrite your past. You can know a lot of answers to your "whys", but... if you don't live, don't move on, does that change much?

I cried about things being unfair, but that never made them fair. It's a pointless effort. The reality still is that I have to deal with a certain set of limitations (and a certain set of advantages), and that I can only try my best to work with that.

>> Humour helps. Not the self-depreciating one.

Some days you need to cry, and then, by all means, cry. Some things you may never want to laugh about... But some? Meh. They become so mundane they get funny, and at the end of the day, laughter's good for you. There are no brownie points for always being serious.

(I shall not talk about shitting with ghosts.)

>> Bitter? In tears? Live through it.

Putting on a front doesn't do anybody any favours. We're only humans. If you feel bitter or sad about something, you are bitter or sad about it. Allowing yourself to experience the negative emotion is... fine. I'd say it's only reasonable to sit with it and let it wash over you -- without spiralling and going into negative "nothing is ever going to be okay, everybody is bad, that person is rotten, yada yada" loops. Sometimes you just need to observe the mind.

>> Nobody can predict the future.

When everything goes askew, it is tempting to say that things will always be this way. Our brains like patterns. They love searching for them... at the same time, they're full of biases and a couple years hardly define the entire rest of your life. Things can fall apart in a week. They can also be brought back together... and ultimately, when you live in the future, you forget about the present, which is the only time you really have.

>> Nobody thinks about you as much as you do. In most cases it's not malice, it's just ignorance. (And everybody will be guilty of this.)

>> Everybody has hard days.

>> The you of today lives only today. Make the most use out of your time. Anticipate the internal reward you will get.

Do you have to start studying early for your exam? No. But... Think about the you from the future. Will they be happy to be able to just revise on the day before it? Or would you rather leave them with still having to work through a portion of the material? It may seem it's all "you", but "you" of today is not living with the same consequences as the "you" of tomorrow or two months from now. Help the "you" from the future! Anticipate the feeling of relief you'll get then! It's a team effort!

Lorei of the good days is constantly working so that Lorei of the bad days can be at ease.

>> Agency matters.

There are things that are outside of your control. Sometimes I can't sit up by myself. It's frustrating. However, I can also pick what book I'm going to read next, I can choose to take my medicine on time, I can choose to continue on studying. No matter how insignificant it seems, there's always a choice I can make, even if it's something as small as choosing to eat even though it hurts.

Some things I can't control. I'm not giving away the choices that are in my hands.

>> You control only yourself and your reactions.

Don't give power to other people. It's impossible to control how they feel or what they think about you. It's impossible to make people stay. It's all up to them, and yes, sometimes they will be hurtful, sometimes you will be misjudged. But whether you care about that is only up to you.

>> Forgive, but don't forget.

Holding onto grudges and feeding old emotion only wastes energy. Letting those control me or influence my actions would only give away the power I have. I can choose to move on and to be unaffected. And I can choose not to allow somebody close again, even though I don't feel anything about them.

>> You are not entitled to the consequences of your actions.

You can work your ass off and it can still not pay off. The only thing you can affect is what's within your grasp -- as such, worrying about outcomes becomes irrelevant.

>> One goal at a time. (Even if you have multiple of them: if you're working on thing A, you're working on thing A only.)

Separate goals within your mind. The more things you have to do and the more you mix them, the lower the satisfaction from progressing any of them.

>> If you're in pain and can't avoid it, accept it and feel it.

I can't take painkillers. Avoidance of inevitable pain only prolongs it. It's easier to take it when I accept it as bad as it is, and let it go through my system.

>> You may not be ready to do something. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

>> Learn to fail. Failure is a feedback.

>> Discomfort is not danger.

It is good to learn to sit with your discomfort. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable makes learning, conflict resolution, and growth overall easier. You then don't have to appease emotion.

>> The self is fluid. Don't cling.

We all change. We're not marketable products with branding. Let yourself change... and even if you're stripped from all the things you've thought you were, it's not as scary. You are more than them.

There was a time when I was neither dexterous, nor smart, nor hard-working, nor useful, all against my will. I was none of the things I'd previously call myself... But I still was. It's not as scary to lose any of them anymore. I just am and that's enough.

>> Try to understand. You don't have to agree, but try to understand.

>> Be wary of your own arrogance. Don't assume you're absolved of ignorance.

>> You have more to give than you realise. And honestly? Giving to the right people is awesome.

... and there could be a couple more, but I've rambled my heart out, so I'm good now.

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

weird post inspired by crowley's walk but kinda sad what is this fandom doing to me

Okay, I was watching a bunch of compilations of Crowley's walk (don't look at me, you've been there) and I had a thought that I sincerely doubt was anyone else's first thought looking at them walk.

It was more specifically that scene, you probably can see it right now, when they get out of the throne-chair hip first, so absolutely fluid, and saunter off.

I wanna be like that. I want to be that light on my feet. I feel that every time I watch the recordings of plays especially musicals, looking at the theatre actors, and yep, I know David Tennant is one too. And it's not just because I've always wanted to do theatre but never have, though that is true.

(TW: uh, talk of being tired/ill, I want to put the warning just in case)

It's because I'm not very well, and I haven't been for a while. Nothing serious, I don't think, but I have very low stamina to start with, and because of medications for my mental health I'm always so tired. Even standing up or walking without waiting a whole minute can make me dizzy enough to flop right on the ground. Even when I (probably) had COVID a couple of years ago, my main symptom was intense, intense tiredness. A few months ago, I had a viral while living alone, and had to crawl my way around (hehe crawl) (this is the state of my dark humour, I am sorry).

And watching Good Omens just reminded me of everything that I want to do, looking at them dancing around rooms and racing in cars, walking through streets for ages and sitting on the arms of chairs. The show is just so filled with life, sprawling in bathtubs and driving through the English countryside, children running around and on rope swings, desperate kisses and reading in a bookshop.

And I want that so, so much.

I want to be able to spring up from chairs and be around human beings and saunter around the city. I don't want to be sleeping through more of the day than I am awake for.

Anyway, just thoughts.

But I do want to take this post to give some love to all of you, and special love to any of you who are struggling with illness. Chronic illness or otherwise, mental illness or physical illness, just any illness. Even if it is just that heavy, heavy tiredness, that we know all too well. When I studied disease, it was broken down into its roots: dis and ease, a lack of feeling at ease. And I am reminded of that one post I saw about chronic illness, and I'd like to say what I read there to you all:

"I hope the pain eases soon."

I know that life is waiting just outside this screen, but as long as I am too tired to go out to meet it, I'm so grateful to this show, to this fandom, and to all of you maggots for bringing life to me. The loneliness has eased since I've been here, and the smiles are a little more often, the tears a little less.

And I think that's really quite wonderful.

[greekceltic]

FAQ Page

She/her | 38 | I like cats and rain. My comic: https://catswaycomic.com/ My Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/greekceltic My Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/greekceltic Other links: https://linktr.ee/greekceltic Sorry in advance if you send me a message and I don't get back to you, I tend not to stress over messages/asks. I do try to read them though, and I'm always open to being asked questions about characters or my headworld/stories. I am already aware that my art is being copied. They're blocked. Please stop telling me about it. Rest of my FAQ is under the cut >

Can I repost your work? I don't mind as long as I'm credited. I'm less okay with my work being used as a pageviews grab, but it's probably not worth my time to care. If it's something I've selected to take down and don't have posted anymore, don't. If it's something you commissioned, go for it. You don't need to credit me every time you share it. Once in a while is cool.

Are you okay with fanart? What about OC interactions? Can I post it? Sure, just don't profit off of it and please credit me. If you want to draw my OCs interacting with yours that's also fine (and fun!)- though I prefer situations where their actions make sense. Alf wouldn't make your character cry, for example. He's grumpy but not cruel. Posting it is fine. Is it okay if I take inspiration from your art and concepts? I've been in a situation in recent years where another artist has taken far, far too much. It's a subject I'm pretty burnt out on. I recently saw another artist's take on this and it looked sensible to me. I'm just going to quote theirs. I have tried to find my own words, but right now I find myself more comfortable using someone else's. "Well, if you’re having to ask me for permission, either your design is too similar or you’re being overly nervous about a normal artistic process. You’re absolutely free to use my work as a source of inspiration but I’d strongly encourage you to think about the details from my design you like most, and remix them with other concepts into your own unique take."

Taking inspiration is something everyone does, but please don't become a shadow I get bi-weekly alerts about. Ideally your pool of inspiration will be many artists and concepts re-imagined into something unique to you- and that you're being honest with yourself about the result.

Your art is being copied! / Will you tell me who the copy cat is? I get a lot of messages about this and am tired. I'm sure if my art ends up somewhere it shouldn't be or there's something really worth my attention I'll find out through friends. Otherwise, I'm just sayin' get a second or third opinion before coming to my inbox. I probably already know about it.

I sent you a message and you didn't respond. Sorry about that. I tend not to stress about messages because it can be a drain. You're more likely to get a response if you let me know from the get go what you want, but nothing is guaranteed. Sometimes I didn't see it, sometimes I got busy or forgot, sometimes I plan to do it later, sometimes I just opted out. It's not personal. Where do you Rp? Are you looking for more partners? Discord mostly. Roleplay consumes a lot of time so these days I mostly only play with my buddy Thema. I probably wouldn't have time to play, but I like to hang around people that do and I don't mind being asked. Just please don't be sad if I never get around to responding! I'm most compatible with people who are comfortable with radio silence.

Can I use your characters in roleplay/as roleplay refs? Considering I actively roleplay my OCs and there's a potential for confusion, I'd rather you didn't. Though I think there's a difference between linking to my art and saying 'this is my character', and linking to it to say 'this has the mood I'm going for, but here's what's different about my character--'. The latter is fine.

Can I make Fan OCs for your setting? Thinking about this makes me tired. Maybe I'll get to a point where I'm more comfortable later, but for now I'd rather you didn't make something directly from my worlds. But lets be real, you don't need my permission to draw cat monsters and I take a huge amount of inspiration from ancient history. Many of my concepts are inspired by things that you can read about and be inspired too. If you see something and are curious if there's a historical source, just ask. Hopefully I'll remember.

Do I have permission to draw NSFW art of your characters? No, for a plethora of reasons, some easy to explain and some not, but I probably can't stop you. Just don't profit off of it or show it to me.

Do you have a website for your OCs? I have RP pages for them scattered all over the place and many of them are outdated, but as I type this I recently put some up on Toyhouse. https://toyhou.se/GreekCeltic

Do you have a website for your comic? Sure do. It's an expensive fuck. https://catswaycomic.com/ When does your comic update? Sporadically. I work on it when I have time. My income is solely freelance commissions and Patreon- mostly commissions.

There's other places you could post your comic! Yeah, I know. I may do that someday, but for now I like having my own house, even if it's an expensive fuck. (Not really, the renewal just hits around tax time, Lol).

[kay-wren]

I'll Come Running - R.C. - Chapter 1

JJ, Kiara, John B, Pope, and Sarah were all sitting at the Chateau trying to figure out a plan to get their gold back from Rafe Cameron. With Rafe's dad, Rose, and Wheezy presumed dead on the yacht that killed them all, the 22 year old is the sole proprietor of what Ward stole from the Pogues. Sarah still couldnt figure out why Ward decided to die on the Druthers with Rose and Wheezy in tandem, it seemed very selfish if you were to ask her. But even more so than that... why did Ward not go down with his whole family? Did he have some master plan in keeping Rafe and Sarah alive? Or was he doing it just despite them? Those thoughts tormented Sarah ever since the incident. She had to remove herself from those ideas though in order to help the pogues. Still, she sat at the Chateau inevitably out of it.

"We've gotta get the gold back man, that's ours!" JJ exclaimed with disgust and anger in his voice as he slammed his fist on the table and clung to his favorite ball cap.

"Yeah, I know man, that's what we're trying to figure out." John B sassed, clearly already over the day that they were having. 

"I don't know what else there is to do. I mean Rafe's taking the gold to the Bahamas None of us can get on that plane, and none of us can get there otherwise." Pope stated.

"Kie, maybe your parents could spot us the cash for some plane tickets." JJ said frantically looking over at Kiara.

"Um no, they made it very clear that they are done with our antics, they don't even know that I'm here right now!" She retorted back with a hint of irritation in her voice as she narrowed her eyebrows towards JJ.

JJ put his hands on his head and started breathing heavily as he paced around the Chateau trying to find a solution.

"Face it man, the gold is gone. There's literally no way we can get to it." Pope exclaimed matter-of-factly, trying to be the only logical thinking person in the group at the moment.

"NO, there has to be a way! I'm not just going to let him take what's ours. Alright? That's happened too many times in my life man and I'll be damned if I let it happen again!" JJ said with even more anger in his voice. 

"We all know there's only one person in this world that can control Rafe Cameron..." Sarah trailed off, not even making eye contact with any of the pogues. Sarah held a distant stare into nothing and a gaping hole in her mouth. 

They all looked up and glanced around the room with looks of confusion, trying to see who would know the answer to Sarah's riddle. Sarah eventually looked at JJ. Once everyone realized who she was she was referring to, they all looked at JJ as well, almost with a look of pity.

JJ slowed his pacing, took his hands off his head, and looked back at the pogues and started shaking his head slowly.

"No, no way man. She made it very clear that she was gone, okay? She doesn't want to be wrapped up in all this, and I'm not going to be the one to bring her back into it. No way!" JJ stated more calmly but still with conviction as he held one hand to his chest, feeling like it might be tightening from the stress of the very idea. 

There was a pause, as if nobody knew what to say next. They all knew where JJ was coming from, but this was the only way to get back into the game. Sarah finally spoke up.

"Don't tell her why. Just tell her you need her."

"I'm not going to lie to her." JJ said as his voice cracked with small tears in his eyes, tears of anger or sadness no one could really tell.

"JJ, she'll do it for you." John B said with a sympathetic look in his eye as he wrapped an arm around JJ's shoulder to console him.

JJ and John B shared a look between the two of them, as if an argument was going on simply in their eyes. JJ's look was calloused. John B's look was hopeful.

"F-fine." JJ said as he sucked in a breath to fight back more tears. "But if she gets hurt in any way, we're done." he said as he looked down to the ground playing with his fingernails.

They all nodded seriously as if to make it clear that they understand the assignment.

"I don't even know where she lives man, all she gave me was her number years ago." JJ laughed looking up at John B.

"Well then looks like we're going to see if that number still works." John B smiled.