#i'm not using this opportunity to procrastinate on art

[bam-monsterhospital]

i also just realized cilan’s design is coloured like the aromantic flag.

hellll yeeeeaaaahhhhhh

[leighsartworks216]

I Come With Knives Pt9

Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Wow two chapters of this in such a short span of time?! Yeah, I'm procrastinating shut up. Not proofread

Warnings: references to blood drinking, ignoring consent/ignoring autonomy, some violence, trauma (that's a given), references/mentions of past abuse

Word Count: 1,760

Main Masterlist

First Baldur's Gate 3 Masterlist - Second Baldur's Gate 3 Masterlist

I Come With Knives Masterlist

AO3

Tag List Form

“I trade in blood and the potions that can be wrung from it. I’m more than happy to make you one, if you’d honor me with your blood.” Araj Oblodra smiles. It’s not warm or welcoming; something devious dances across her face. It makes you uncomfortable. “With one drop, I can brew a rather potent potion for you. The rest, I keep for myself.”

You can’t hide the grimace that overtakes your face. ‘Sanguineous arts’ already struck an odd chord within you, but asking for your blood? And even going so far as to keep some for herself? “What will you do with the rest?”

“The excess would be used for my experiments. I’m always working to find ways to make stronger potions. Who knows what the blood of a True Soul could do for even a rather simple mixture?”

You cringe. “Not interested, sorry.”

She sighs, scowling. “A pity. Although, perhaps there’s one more thing we can discuss: your friend.” She looks at Astarion, but not as the person he is. Her eyes scan him over like she’s looking at an object, studying a rare work of art. Astarion notices it, too. She turns her eyes from him and he’s relieved to be spared from that look, if only temporarily. “He’s a vampire, no? Or one of their spawn, at least.”

Astarion slapped on a fake grin. “Oh, don’t worry, we’re all friends under the Absolute.” He lifts his chin, donning an air of confidence. “I won’t bite.”

“Oh I’d prefer if you did.” She smirks. An uneasy feeling settles heavily in your gut. His mask slips. “I assume he belongs to you?”

Your eyes shoot wide open. “Excuse me?” The question has you reeling. It takes you a moment to find your words. “He’s his own person!”

She laughs and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. “I’m sure he really believes that. How utterly adorable.” For a brief moment, all you see in her place are the faces of all the loyal subjects under her. She turns to the elf, head held high so she’s looking down her nose at him with a sneer. “Do you have a name, spawn?”

When you look over, Astarion is shifting uneasy in his armor. He’s used to being reduced to nothing - less than human, only fit for someone else’s gain. But it hadn’t happened since the crash. This was… a lot. “Astarion, but hold on-”

“Good,” Araj cuts him off with a smirk. “Now, Astarion.” You want to throw up when she says his name like that. “I’ve dreamt of being bitten by a vampire since I was a young girl.”

He balks. “I’m sorry? You want to be bitten?”

Something otherly and unsettling sets into her face and voice as she speaks. “To feel your life’s blood slipping away? To dance on the edge between life and death?” Her voice is airy as she says, “Yes, I want it.” You’re fortunate enough it goes back to being somewhat normal when she returns to talking about business. “I’ll even compensate you - a potion of legendary power that forever increases the strength of the one who consumes it. It’s not for sale, but it’s yours if you bite me.”

“I will have to decline.”

“Excuse me?” she scoffs. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and you’re squandering it.”

Astarion scowls, creases deepening with the anger in his expression. “I gave you my answer.”

Araj still looks furious when she turns on you. “Can’t you talk some sense into your obstinate charge?”

Your hand twitches by your dagger, but it’s not blind fear that rules you. This is entirely different from the Gur. He’d been on the hunt for you, to bring you back to Berdusk and your master. All Araj cared about was Astarion. All she wanted was for him to bite her, even when he said no. This was not fear, this was anger.

“Can’t you understand ‘no’? He’s not going to bite you.” You glared at the drow. Whatever shock you felt before had been pushed aside. She didn’t care about Astarion’s free will, and she never would. She was just like all the others you’d seen that ache for a vampire’s bite.

She gasps like she’s been insulted to her very core. “It’s obvious you’ve let him indulge plenty in your own neck. Is that it, then? You want him all to yourself?”

You don’t know what happened. Everything is a blur, a flurry of motion that makes your head spin. Once you process where you are, ice floods your veins.

Araj is on the floor, staring up at you with wide, horrified eyes. You’re on top of her, legs straddling her waist and a hand at her shoulder keeping her held down. Your dagger hangs mere inches from her eye. And then you realize the thing that stopped you from killing another innocent: a hand around your wrist, pulling the knife away from Araj. Astarion’s hand.

He doesn’t want her to live, gods no. But he remembers what happened to you the last time you took someone’s life through blind emotion. He doesn’t want to see you like that again.

You scowl down at her as you growl out, “He. Said. No.”

She nods fearfully - she’d have agreed to anything you said if it meant saving her own skin. Your fingers loosen around the handle of the dagger and Astarion pries it from your hand. His other supports your waist as you stand up from the drow, backing away toward the others, who all watched with mixed expressions. You don’t turn away from her until you’re almost by the door. Only once it’s shut do your shoulders relax.

“What happened back there, soldier?” Karlach asks.

You sigh and take your weapon back from Astarion. “She… reminded me of somebody.” As you return the knife to its sheath, you shake your head. “Nevermind. Let’s just go.”

-

Astarion clears his throat as he enters his tent. You’re sitting on your bedroll, looking at the different candles you’d dug out of storage. You were running low, and you wanted to try optimizing them to the best of your abilities, until you could find or purchase more. You look up from your work, watching as he takes his seat across from you.

“I, uh, I wanted to thank you.”

You tilt your head at him as you set the candles aside. “What for?”

“For nearly killing that vile drow, for what you said back there.”

You half-chuckle. “It, admittedly, wasn’t for purely selfless reasons.” Your hands begin fiddling with each other in your lap. “She reminded me of the servants my master keeps. They all vye for her attention, desperately wishing she would drink from them instead of…” You clear your throat. “When she kept saying you belonged to me, I just- I lost control.”

He hummed, understanding precisely. When Araj saw your scar and brought it up, not knowing he wasn’t the one that gave it to you, her fate was sealed. She would be a corpse right now if he hadn’t acted quickly enough. “I’m grateful, all the same. I spent two hundred years using my body to lure pretty things back for my master. What I wanted, how I felt about what I was doing, it never mattered. You could have asked me to do the same - to throw myself at her, what I wanted be damned.”

“I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do,” you asserted. “You’ve spent too long already having to deal with that. And, she didn’t seem like she’d make a good meal.”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “No, I don’t believe so.” His nose wrinkled. “Her blood smelled absolutely foul. No potion would have been worth the stomachache.”

“What’s wrong with her blood?”

“Gods know what. There’s no telling what she’s experimented with in her line of work.”

“Gods willing, we’ll never know.” You reach for the candles again, prepared to pick one out so the very moment this one runs out, you’re not fumbling about trying to bring back the light, but his hand stops you. You look at him again. His face is leaned in close to yours.

“There’s… something else I wanted to discuss.” He can see the bob of your throat as you swallow, but you nod. “I know we both have our own demons to contend with, and we will, in time, but…” He lets out a soft breath. “You… You’re incredible. So many times, you’ve had ample opportunity to turn me away for what I am alone, but you didn’t. You confided in me, despite it all.”

“I trust you, Astarion,” you whisper. He can feel the warmth of your air against his lips.

“I want us to be something,” he confesses. “Something real. I just don’t know what ‘real’ looks like. Not after two hundred years of playing the rake.” He frowns. “Being close to someone - any kind of intimacy - was something I performed to lure people back for him. Even though I know things between us are different, being with someone still feels… tainted. Still brings up those feelings of disgust and loathing. I don’t know how else to be with someone. No matter how much I’d like to.”

You lean back from him slightly, giving him more room. He misses the way your breath fanned across his skin, but thinking about it for too long puts a vice around his undead heart. You don’t pull your hand from his. “Is this okay?”

He hums softly, thinking. “I don’t mind it as much, if it’s you,” he admits. “It feels… different. A good different.”

Your lips curl slightly into a soft smile. “Then we can keep figuring it out. Together.”

He laughs a little breathlessly, almost shocked by your answer; surprised with how easily you accept his burdens. “You… You are full of surprises, aren’t you?” He glides his hand along yours until your fingers are interlaced. Palm to palm, he can feel the callouses that litter your hands, built up from the moment your freedom began. They were still soft, only a few weeks old at best. “Honestly, I have no idea what we’re doing. Or what comes next. But I know that this…” He looks into your eyes. You look at him so openly, so earnestly. How could you be the product of your past when he’d ended up the way he did? How could you be so kind despite it all? He smiled. “This is nice.”

---

Tag List:

@hypopxia @flsalazar @beverlybeav @angelofthorr @emiemiemiii @marina-and-the-memes @aurasyn @furblrwurblr @cappsikle @mjmygd @thegirlsadventuresinwonderland @kindadolly @bloopthebat @pandimoostuff @chesb0red @black-star1472 @sessils @olitheghostboy-blog @puppyg1rl666 @maruichio @cyber-dump-171 @katharynmarie @twinkliker3000 @cherifrog @catching-fire-in-the-wind @phantoms-fandom-blog @thespectacularspaceace @lynnlovesthestars @tototini @ashrio20 @bambamwolf87 @astarion-imagine-archive @thistrashisreadytobash

Removed @sylverqueen_cosplay @yarn_yogi @teardropcup because it won't let me tag you. If any of these are you, please give me a main account to tag or change your settings so I can tag you.

[thatonemariofangirl]

Princess Peach standing in front of some Cherry Blossom trees with a calm lake outstretched behind her. 🍒🌸🌊🩷💞

I love pretending that Mario was on a trip with Peach (most likely in Japan), and he took this cute photo of her because she kindly asked him to! 🥹📸❤️🩵🩷💛 (And of course, how could Mario ever refuse her or the opportunity? 😌🥰)

~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways, I finally finished this art piece of mine on the 14th of November after months of working on it. (I think I started back in April or so... 😅).

Either way, though, I absolutely LOVE how it turned out! (Even if I was heavily procrastinating and had a lack of motivation for it, especially for the background, but we don't talk about that. 🫣😂).

Hope it still looks decent, at least, and the references for Princess Peach and the Japanese-styled art for the background are shown on the last two slides. 🇯🇵🍙🍡⛩️➡️➡️➡️

~~~~~~~~~~

🎨🖌️Art Credits🖌️🎨: Speaking of the references, I cannot find the original artist that drew Princess Peach, hence people re-uploading the image everywhere and claiming it as their own. So if I can find the original artist or anyone tells me, I'll credit them for sure. (Just wanted to point that out so people don't think I'm an art thief because I promise you, I'm not... 🥲).

The background photo just claims to be uploaded for anyone's personal use, so it does not have a particular artist to credit. (But if I'm wrong, feel free to correct me).

~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways, hope you all like it and I'm so glad this is finished!!! It's been quite a while since I've uploaded art and I've got plenty of more left to come! (Some art is already finished and just hasn't been uploaded, but most I have to work on, sooooo... yeah. See ya! 😵‍💫✏️🖍️✍🏼 💜)

[disruptxrr]

skipped school for the 7th(?) time this year, my depression is getting pretty bad again and im super behind in all my exams and homework. there's this one art project I have to get done but it looks horrible and is absolutely killing me. not to be a downer or anything sorry. thats how my day is going. on the bright side tho, my friend just invited me to her giant halloween party. crazy that me and her are friends because we're compete opposites.

i forgot to reply to this (sorry) you can shoot me with no repercussions whatsoever if you want so i can make it up for you.

dont apologize man, you aren't being a downer. sometimes we just need to tell someone (whoever might listen) the shit we are going through. it's okay. i am going through pretty much the same thing at the moment. im fucking behind in school and i have an unholy amount of schoolwork to catch up on and the fear and anxiety of graduating is killing me. i'm not sure what the fuck i am doing in all honestly. but i'm trying (mediocrely) to get my shit together. you will be okay, i promise. we just need to stand the fuck up and put ourselves in uncomfortable positions to get shit done because we are going to have to do it one way or another. i have been procrastinating this creative writing project for about three weeks now because i hate all the things i have tried to do and i want it to be perfect, my advise is, just get it done. im sure you will have other opportunities to show everyone your talent, passion, and vision. sometimes its not us, but the project itself or the circumstances, or both, that block creativity and frustrate us. just get that shit done, send it and move on. you will feel much better afterwards.

on another note, i hope you have fun at the halloween party. you definitively need to take your mind away from things for a while, just be careful. ilove u. i hope things get easier with time. if you need anything or want to update me just let me know!!! <3

[erabundus]

HERE WE GO  —  the  long  awaited  ren  modernverse  post  that  i  totally  haven't  been  procrastinating  on  for  ages.  (  i  have.  )  i'm  going  to  do  a  very  general  overview  of  the  AU  here,  because  there's  a  lot  of  little  interconnecting  parts  and  headcanons and backstories ( as well as development over discord )  involving  other  muses  and  i  really  don't  want  to  step  on  any  toes  or  necessitate  a  ton  of  required  reading.  just  a  brief *  summary  to  make  interacting  easier.

( * not brief, i can never keep anything short. )

ren  was  born  very  shortly  after  makoto's  death  to  a  mother  understandably  wracked  with  grief.  though  they  had  little  family  to  speak  of,  they  were  quite  well  off  financially  —  owing  to  ei's  status  as  the  ceo  of  a  prolific  power  company.  as  a  way  to  force  some  sense  of  normalcy,  to  cope  with  both the  loss  as  well  as  her  child's  eerie  resemblance  to  her  departed  twin,  ei  threw  herself  body  and  soul  into  her  work.  this  meant  the  majority  of  ren's  childhood  was  spent  completely  alone,  and  though  he  never  had  any  reason  to  want  for  much  materially,  he  was  still  quite  miserable  and  desperate  for  affection.  he  would  do  whatever  he  could  to  possibly  gain  the  ATTENTION  he  craved  —  culminating  in  taking  up  an  interest  in  dance,  of  all  things.  he  had  believed  if  he  could  only  find  one  thing  that  he  was  really  good  at,  and  hone  that  skill  until  he  was  utterly  PERFECT,  perhaps  then  his  mother  would  be  impressed  enough  to  acknowledge  him.

unfortunately,  things  didn't  go  according  to  plan.  he  was  talented  —  incredibly  so,  and  he  certainly  wasn't  lacking  in  ENTHUSIASM  for  the  art.  though  he  received  praise  and  recognition,  he  was  never  able  to  get  it  from  the  one  person  he  was  most  desperate  to  hear  from.  (  just  say  you're  proud.  just  remember  i  EXIST.  )  ultimately  this  led  to  a  lot  of  deeply  unhealthy  resentment  towards  his  mother.  as  a  result,  ren  focused  less  on  the  individual  and  more  on  the  crowd  —  obsessing  over  gaining  the  adoration  of  the  masses.  someone  please  love  him.  someone  please  pay  attention  to  him. he moved out of his childhood home as soon as he was able, and tried to turn his talent into a genuine career.

while  he  did  see  success,  it  wasn't  without  its  downsides.  immense  strain  on  his  body.  repeated  injuries.  he  hurt  himself  —  over  and  over  and  over  again, then kept going regardless.  pushing  himself  to  an  UNHEALTHY  degree  that  could  have  very  well  led  to  permanent  injury  had it  been  allowed  to  go on.

however,  a  certain  incident  when  he  was  twenty  led  to  the  death  of  nearly  everyone  he  loved  —  and  in  his  grief,  ren  could  no  longer  muster  the  will  to  continue.

he  spent  over  a  year  languishing  in  a  very  deep  DEPRESSION,  only  ever  putting forth  the  effort  to  pretend  he  isn't  completely  in  shambles  in  front  of  farrow,  taiyang  and  anhe.  in  time,  he  eventually  stumbled  upon  the  world  of  STREAMING  —  and  while  it  was  never  his  intention  to  make  a  big  deal  out  of  it,  ren  decided  to  give  it  a  go.  he  used  his  streams  mostly  as  an  opportunity  to  vent  his  frustrations  in  a  somewhat  healthy  way  —  doing  something  he  genuinely  enjoyed  (  gaming  )  while  taking  out  his  wealth  of  anger  on  the  teammates  and  enemies  alike  who  irritated  him.  it  was  more  like  an  unconventional  form  of  video  diary.  however,  by  some  strange  stroke  of  luck,  he  actually  began  cultivating  an  audience.

his  pretty  face  was  enough  to  draw  people  in  —  yet  some  decided  to  stay  for  the  entertainment  his  sharp  tongue  provided.  as  his  popularity  grew,  ren's  despair  simmered  to  a  more  manageable  state.  instead,  he  found  himself  slipping  back  into  a  familiar  (  toxic  )  mindset.  valuing  his  self-worth  entirely  on  what  other  people  thought  of  him,  how  much  of  their  attention  he  could  command,  how  much  money  he  could  earn  from  their  affection.  he's  received  a  fair  bit  of  criticism  for  his  cultivating  of  a  distinctly  PARASOCIAL  relationship  with  his  fanbase  —  but  the  truth  is,  ren  needs  the  recognition  of  his  followers  just  as  much  as  they  crave  recognition  from  him.

MISC HEADCANONS UNDER THE CUT ...

he's  twenty  four  by  default;  he's  been  streaming  for  about  three  years.

farrow is a mod on his streams.

his username is technically ❝ wanderer,  ❞ but he'll also answer to ren — and a lot of his fans do just default to calling him ren.

he  often  gets  just  as  much  hate  as  he  does  positivity,  but  he  doesn't  really  care  because  negative  publicity  is  still  publicity.  someone  once  tried  to  cancel  him  on  twitter  over  his  nasty  personality  and  he  held  an  official  #wandererisoverparty  on  stream  where  he  read  out  hate  tweets with genuine delight.

he isn't the most popular content creator, but he has enough of a following to comfortably pay his half of the apartment's rent and have a line of merch.

ren only ever really leaves the apartment to go on walks through nature or swing through his favorite coffee shop. or break into heizou's house and rearrange the furniture.

doesn't drink often, but has an absurd alcohol tolerance when he does.

he suffers from horrible insomnia and actively has to hide his dark circles with makeup. he tries to compensate by drinking massive amounts of caffeine — which, while effective, has left him with a dependency that gives him splitting headaches whenever he skips out on his tea or coffee.

swears a lot more than canon ren. which is to say, he actually swears at all. in general, the way he speaks and holds himself is more relaxed in comparison — because he has had a rough life, but not to the extent of canon ren, and not for nearly as long.

dresses differently when he's walking around casually verses when he's streaming.

he tends to prefer either pvp games where he can spin his irritation with others into a source of entertainment or calm singleplayer games like minecraft or stardew valley where he can just vibe.

his tongue and both ears are pierced — the left with an additional industrial piercing.

shares his apartment with kazuha! they are boyfriends.

he also has a number of tattoos. some resemble canon ren's markings, others look almost as though his body has been repaired with kintsugi.

[daisy-blooms]

Daisy, and the name that I won't say.

Hi, this is my introduction I guess. I've never really used tumblr before, but I've always heard that the people here are unhinged. It was probably worse before they banned pornography. Anyways, I'm Daisy, y'all. I'm a semi-closeted trans woman currently attending a private Christian university in Tennessee. I live with my homophobic/transphobic/xenophobic/slightly racist parents under a different name that won't be said. I'm at a point in my life where I'm really trying to think hard about what it is I actually want to do.

Right now I am studying as an art major and English minor. But that's not super important to me. The only reason I'm attending college is because somehow I am getting paid to do it. My father works at the school I go to, so I get my tuition wavered. I have a couple scholarships as well, so since I live at home, all of that money goes straight to me. I'm also working two part-time jobs while I'm not studying or procrastinating. Basically, I'm doing fine financially, for now at least. I'm trying to take advantage of every opportunity in life to make money at the moment. My goal is to save up enough to move across the country to some state that's more friendly to people like me once I graduate.

In order to do that, I've had to do some pretty gross stuff. My attending college, and more than likely my housing situation, is entirely reliant upon the fact that I uphold my role as my parents youngest child, the son my mom gave birth to twenty (twenty-one in September) years ago. I had a therapist at one point, but that quickly became too expensive for a legal-dependent young college student without any personal health insurance. I have lied to my family and friends for more than two decades now. Again, as that name that I won't say. It eats away at a girl. Especially when it's over something so trivial as skirts and heels versus cargo shorts and sneakers.

I am at the precipice of the rest of my life. I am only one year away from being able to do what I have planned for about eleven years now. I feel like a lot of queer people can imagine the feelings going on in my head: elation, relief, fear, frustration and freedom. It's a lot for someone who never learned how to manage them. I have successfully turned every stress-relieving hobby that helps me relax into a way to make money or a waste of my time.

I do not know why I am here. I do not know why I am typing a Tumblr post right now. But it has helped me think about my situation and where I am at in life. It all boils down to surviving one more year while being called a name that I won't say. If I can do that... the only name that will matter will be the one that I picked a while back from a field of transgender flowers: Daisy.

Yours honestly, Daisy S.

[virtualitythegamer]

Meet the Creator (Tumblr version) + Face Reveal

Disclaimer: I made this bc it's for a school assignment haha and I'm also taking this as an opportunity to do an about me post for my Tumblr page. To my teacher for this assignment, I hope you don't mind this especially the account I'm using for the activity🥹🥹🥹. Anyway, thanks for understanding 💗

ABOUT ME

Name: Lei

Birthday: 7/18

Age: 16

Pronouns: she/her

Nationality: 🇵🇭

Zodiac Sign: Cancer

Personality Type: INFP

Gender: Genderfluid

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual

My Emojis: 🎧🐈‍⬛🎮💀💜🍕

FAVORITE...

Colors? Purple, green, & black

Music Genre? Pop, indie, modern rock, hip-hop, video game music, & honestly anything that slaps

Movie Genre? Comedy, psychological thriller, fantasy, & musical

Season? Winter

Food? Pizza, takoyaki, noodles, and spicy stuff in general

Hobbies? Gaming, journaling, graffiti art, listening to music, & content creating

Video Games? Persona series, Honkai: Star Rail, Pokemon, Love and Deepspace, Episode, Skullgirls, The World Ends With You series, and The Legend of Zelda series

LIKES

• video games in general

• music

• content creating

• fan edits

• graffiti art

• art in general

• literature

• good food

• grunge

• dark academia

• psychology

• plushies

DISLIKES

• vegetables

• toxicity & lies (both irl and online)

• bad writing in media

• discrimination in general

• plagiarism

• using AI as your own

• lack of authenticity as a person

• hot weather

• being judged and misunderstood

• bad wi-fi

FUN FACTS ABOUT ME

• My name "Lei" is more of a nickname to my "longer" actual first name. I've been called by my nickname by a lot of people in general since it's easier than my actual first name.

• I came up with the online name "Virtuality" (or Virtual for short) because it's supposed to be like a general reference to video games and technology (ironic cuz I'm in HUMSS haha, not that I regret it)

• The reason I took up HUMSS instead of STEM is because I heard HUMSS was better for aspiring psychologists so I took HUMSS.

• I'm a procrastinator by heart so it's sometimes hard for me to stay productive, whether it's with school work or creating content.

• I took up content creating as a hobby because I want to be able to express my interests more freely especially when it comes to video games. It's honestly hard for me sometimes to talk about them irl because there's not a lot of people that share the same interests I have so content creating has been my safe space ever since.

AND BECAUSE YOU MADE IT THIS FAR

Here is my carrd so you can check out more info about it (will update it when I have the time but for now have this one haha)

Thanks for reading and have a good day!

[cheshirekwon]

Don't feel big because your shadow is 'tall'. [Note #001]

It's been a great day. I walked through the town I used to live in, saw buildings that made me feel the magic of nostalgia rushing through my veins. Every step felt like an ignition to the fireworks already bursting within.

Until that fire was suddenly put out.

Well, I wouldn't really say it was permanently put out. I'd call it a minor bug.

I met with an old friend. The usual questions and answers were exchanged, and we discovered and rediscovered things from now, and those pages from the past. Again, nostalgia raining on me in a major way, and it made me feel great.

Not until we went and met with our 'masters'.

This friend, who boosted up my ego and flared up my confidence a few moments ago, blocked my shine with their shadow. I'm glad they were doing well in life, but that was definitely not a reason to all of a sudden to block someone's light and belittle their achievements.

She chose the words well to describe where she currently is in life. I could say I'm proud of her from where she was to where she is now. However, on the other hand, she seemed to have chosen words as well with regards to how she pertained to me.

Let me use words that will summarise how she referred to me and my current state - apprentice, training, life on pause.

A totally different description to where I actually am right now - a me that I have introduced anew to her just a couple of minutes past.

I wouldn't deny - I felt awful. A little enraged. I definitely did not feel small, but rather, misrepresented. That was not me. That was not who I was. That was not the truth.

With a bit of a pause to gather my thoughts, I suddenly remember my father's words. We don't speak in English, but this is how it would be translated if we did:

"Those who belittle who you are have insecurities and insufficiencies in themselves that they could not cover up. They make themselves 'look big' by making others 'look small'."

Friends, pals, amigos. If you are indeed big, you do not need to choose insufficient, undermining words, to describe others and to make them seem miniature. If you consider yourself enough, you will come to realise that it is alright to picture people out to others as they are.

It is not a curse to be around people who have built their empires greater. It takes a different outlook to look at this with a fresh eye. If you are drowning in matters you look at as your flaws, insufficiencies, and the likes, you will keep looking at others as people you need to bring down. And what some people fail to realise is that, if you feel the utter need to bring people down, you are already deep down there, because you can't pull people down if you're already above them. You can only pull them up with you. And if you are indeed on top, and you feel the need to push people down, you risk the tendency of falling down yourself. And if you know better, you would not do that.

If you take a brand new look at having 'better people' around you, you can have the opportunity to take advantage of the situation and become a better person by listening to them and learning how they built themselves all the way up.

But then again, before you can learn, you need to accept the fact that you indeed need to learn.

You need to grasp something. You are in need to be filled by knowledge that you have not had the opportunity to grow into yet.

Wow, that's a lot of words. I should read more.

Best of luck, pal.

All the love in the world,

Cheshire

PS: Art on this is coming soon. Probably. Maybe. If procrastination would not hit me like a truck.

[a-kind-of-merry-war]

Cliches: 21 or 41

Cliché 41 - Overhearing they have feelings for you Thank you! Look at me, actually doing prompts! I'm procrastinating, tell no one. 1.7k, T for swears, no warnings apart from jealousy & blood

~

Something was wrong with the bard.

The problem - aside from the fact that something was wrong - was that Jaskier wasn’t telling Geralt what was wrong. Geralt had hoped, fruitlessly, that if he quietly gave Jaskier space he’d just tell him, in that way he always did, spilling into unprompted emotional rambling at the least opportune moment.

But he hadn’t. There’d been several moments beside a campfire or walking down a dusty path or, once or twice, pressed together in a shared bed, when Jaskier would open his mouth, as if he was going to speak…

Only to not say anything at all.

And the longer it went on, the harder it was to bring it up. It had been four full weeks of lowered gazes and stuttered conversations and drawn-out silences, and Geralt was getting desperate. Even the poetry, which seemed to be Jaskier’s respite whenever he fell into one of these slumps, had been apparently abandoned. The last time Geralt had seen Jaskier open his notebook was nine days ago, and that had been to fitfully scribble out a few lines, swear, then throw it back into his satchel.

No: Geralt wasn’t getting desperate. He was desperate. Which was why, after returning from a hunt just outside Oxenfurt’s Western Gate, he was standing outside their room instead of actually going in.

Jaskier was in there with a friend. Just a friend? Geralt couldn’t tell. They’d run into the woman - exceptionally blonde and pretty - just outside the tavern where Geralt had picked up the contract, and it was the first time he’d seen Jaskier properly smile in days.

He wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t jealous. Except, of course, he was, and he left Jaskier with the woman - Priscilla - drinking expensive wine in some student pub while he went off with potions coursing through his veins and his swords strapped to his back prepared to hack a man-eating monster to death.

The jealousy made him feel worse, of course: because Jaskier was clearly distressed and Geralt had managed, somehow, to make it about himself. It was good that he’d found someone he trusted - someone he could actually talk to. Perhaps when Geralt returned, bloodied and bruised, Jaskier would have managed to talk through whatever it was that was bothering him and they could set out on the road as if nothing had happened.

Or, more likely, Jaskier would realise that the real problem - the real cause of his misery - was Geralt himself, and he’d simply stay in Oxenfurt where he could find art and friends and excitement and Geralt would trudge onwards alone.

Which would be fine.

It would be fine, but Geralt was keen to extend the precious few moments he had left with Jaskier regardless. If he barged into their room now, their parting would come even sooner. And…

Well, they were talking. Geralt wasn’t deliberately eavesdropping, but he couldn’t help that his highly attuned hearing could pick out their conversation as clearly as if he was sitting in there between them. He couldn’t find the words to ask Jaskier what was wrong himself, but this way… this way he could find out without needing to.

“—isn’t exactly the first time, Jaskier…” Priscilla was saying, using what was clearly supposed to be a calming voice.

“I know, but this is so much worse…”

“You always say that.”

“But now I mean it, Priss!”

Geralt could hear the pout in his voice - could picture the face he was making, lips pursed, eyes wide.

“And you meant it before, too. You just need a bit of time.”

“Time?” That was a shout that Geralt would have been able to hear even without witcher senses, before Jaskier quickly quietened his voice again. “If it was a matter of time I’d have gotten over it by now.”

There was a moment’s silence. Geralt wondered what they were doing in there.

“Jask…” Her voice was soft. “How long has it been? Because it’s just, you said before…”

“Years.”

“Oh, Jask. How many—”

“I don’t know. And I’m not doing that thing that I do when I do know but I don’t want to embarrass myself so I’m pretending I don’t. I genuinely can’t remember.”

There was a shuffling sound - perhaps they were sitting on the bed, side by side, the mattress sagging beneath them.

“And… he doesn’t know?”

“Of course he doesn’t know, Priss.”

“Maybe you should… tell him?”

Jaskier laughed at that. “Can you imagine that conversation? Oh, by the way, I’ve been in love with you for…” There was a choking little noise. “...for a while. I think not.”

Oh. There was a fist, clenched around Geralt’s heart. He felt suddenly tipped, as if the old wooden floorboards had lurched below him, his mind reeling in a way that had nothing to do with the remnants of the potions in his blood or the adrenaline that had fuelled him through the fight.

Of course Jaskier was miserable: he was in love. With someone else.

“It’s just…” Jaskier continued to speak, voice low. “It’s harder, at the moment. Knowing that I can’t… that he doesn’t…” he sighed, and his next words were muffled. Geralt could picture him sitting with his head in his hands, covering his mouth. “He doesn’t love me back.”

Fuck. Geralt couldn’t bear to hear any more - but if he stayed, if he listened to the rest, maybe he could find the name of Jaskier’s mysterious love. There was nothing he could do, of course, and knowing who he was would force Geralt into introspection and inevitable comparison… but it would ease the pain in his own chest, a little, to imagine finding whoever it was and shouting at them for so thoroughly breaking his bard’s heart.

Not his bard. That much was abundantly clear.

No doubt it was either some marvellous Lord or talented poet or troubadour, someone spilling with song and stories, who didn’t trample down their own feelings in an attempt to keep them concealed. Whoever it was didn’t deserve Jaskier - Geralt knew that much - but they likely deserved him more than he did.

“Look,” said Priss, her voice taking on a more commanding tone, the floorboards creaking. She must have stood. “Why don’t we go back out? Get another bottle of Est Est, head into the city? I think Valdo is—”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Geralt will be back soon.” Geralt froze. Shit. “...And I don’t know what that thing was he was hunting, but if he’s hurt…”

“You don’t need to stick around for him, Jaskier. You’re not his nursemaid.”

“I want to stick around for him.”

“And… what? Help clean his wounds and wash monster blood out of his hair?”

“Something like that.”

Jaskier sounded so sad, like ‘sticking around’ - as Priss had so aptly put it - was some terrible hardship. Perhaps it was. No: there was no ‘perhaps’. Of course it was. Especially when whoever it was he was in love with was off galivanting about very much not covered in monster viscera.

“Jaskier.” She sounded thoroughly annoyed, reaching the end of her patience. The sound of her footsteps and the ancient, groaning floorboards growing louder as she walked across the room. “You don’t make things easier for yourself, do you?”

Jaskier sighed - the sound only just audible through the wooden door. Geralt edged closer.

“I told you this was worse,” he said, quietly. And then, with feeling - “Fuck.”

Geralt was virtually pressed against the door, now. What did Jaskier mean, that this was worse? Did Geralt’s continual presence in his life somehow make his unrequited feelings more apparent? Was his beloved refusing him because of Geralt? That would make sense - very few people were willing to approach a Witcher’s companion. Maybe he’d scared them off without even realising he’d done it.

Priscilla’s voice came from directly beside the door, but he didn’t even notice - didn’t care

“I’m going back out,” she said. “And I’m not going to make you come with me… but you should.”

“I can’t.”

“Because you’re waiting for him?”

“I am.” And then he snorted. “Of course I had to go and fall in love with the witcher. With my witcher.”

“Honestly,” Priscilla sighed, fondly. “You’ve always had odd taste in men.”

And then - without warning - she opened the door.

Much to Geralt’s surprise, she didn’t even react to a blood-covered witcher tumbling through the doorway, staggering to remain on his feet. She took a single step backwards, so he didn’t collapse into her, nose wrinkling.

Jaskier, who was indeed perched on the bed, swore loud enough for the whole inn to hear. Geralt couldn’t speak - his heart in his mouth, the shock still swirling in his stomach, coiling around his lungs.

“Speak of the devil,” Priscilla said, peering at Geralt with a curious expression, “and he shall appear. Covered in ooze, apparently.”

Geralt looked down at himself. She was right - his armour was coated in blood, some his own, most not.

“Looks like you’ll have your work cut out for you, Jask.” She said, with a little cock of her head. “See you tomorrow, hmm?”

She strode through the door without another word, closing it behind her. As soon as she was gone, Geralt stepped towards the bed, careful not to drip on the sheets.

“Jaskier—”

“How long were you out there?” He looked… calm. There was a shallow line between his eyebrows that meant he was thinking: or furious.

“Long enough.”

“Right.” He stood, his expression still painfully blank. “I’ll just… I’ll go, then.”

He went to walk past. Without thinking, Geralt shot out his hand, grabbing Jaskier’s wrist. They both winced: Geralt had forgotten about the blood in the urgency to make him stay.

“You said you were waiting for me.”

“I said a lot of things. Let me go, Geralt.”

Geralt immediately did as he asked. Jaskier turned to leave, to follow Priscilla. He swung the door open, but before he could make it out into the hallway beyond, Geralt called after him - an act of madness, and desperation.

“Of course I had to go and fall in love with the bard.”

Jaskier froze, one hand on the handle. He turned, fingers brushing against the metal. His cheeks were flushed.

“...The bard?”

Geralt stood, waiting, staring at Jaskier framed in the doorway.

“My bard.”

Jaskier stepped back into the room, and shut the door.

[that-cheer-up-anon]

I just did a temporary fix using tape. Don't want to think about what I'm gonna do once winter hits and melts the adhesive, but ehhhhh.

I'm mostly just happy and proud that I got to take something apart, fix it, and put it back together w no guide. Did I get shocked twice while doing it? Yes, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT MATTERS. What matters is that IT WORKS!

I actually love taking apart gadgets, seeing how they work, and putting it together without messing it up. It's too bad I don't get to do it often, or I'm clumsy and break it more.

Anybody got any ideas for WHAT I can use to fix my fan blades?

[celestewilllow]

This is the Chart🖤

Hello!! So, I'm here with your sidereal chart. Small intro to Vedic - Moon is given more importance than the sun. The reason: it’s the closest planet to us so it affects us more, and emotions are what govern our actions. The external planets in tropical are not considered in Vedic. So, we have only the sun, the moon, mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Rahu, and Ketu (North node and south node). In your chart, You have:

Sun in Revati nakshatra pada3- Sun in 10H

Revathi is ruled by mercury. Revathi is the nakshatra of light and path. Revati means “wealth”. Being the final nakshatra of the zodiac, it represents the peaceful passage of a soul from one life to the next. Represent maturity. This placement makes you a selfless person. be careful of being taken advantage of. true visionaries and are very creative. might struggle with procrastination sometimes. broad spiritual and imaginative side. Could get easily hurt. Despite being in Pisces, pada 3 of revati is ruled by Saturn, so karma lessons could be learned and sternness/ assertiveness is also seen.

Sun in 10H- This is a good placement for Sun. Career goals and authority figures are co-related. Indicates luck or fortune in the family. reputation is important. career-oriented person. ample of opportunities. be careful not to be prideful. 

Moon in Visakha nakshatra pada 1-Moon in 5H 

Moon in Visakha pada 1(libra) natives might feel indecisive quite a lot, because this nakshatra is ruled by two gods(Indra and Agni). But nevertheless, they are fighters for what they love. Ruled by Jupiter, you have a jovial personality. You are a go-getter. For Visakha nakshatra, the main quality is Kama (desire). you can manifest anything by simply desiring it. Powerful being 

moon in 5H- Enables and gives you the pleasure of good relationships and bonds with people. Children or bonds with children could be significant. You probably are good with kids. You like romance and attention but may have a slight difficulty expressing it yourself (emphasis on the “may”). your sensitivity helps you in matters of the heart.   

Mercury in Uttarabhadra nakshatra pada 3- Mercury in 10H

Ruled by Saturn, Uttarabhadra is quite a balanced nakshatra. It’s the birth nakshatra of goddess Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth and abundance. It’s a warrior nakshatra. you love to be sure of anything so you take your time with decisions or saying anything. Well communicative and highly intuitive.

Mercury in 10H- high chances of career in arts, teaching, or automobiles.  you might like swift but accurate communication. intellectuals at work.

Venus in Uttarabhadra nakshatra pada 3- Venus in 10H

You might like older people. Also, wealthy people. You attract/are attracted to large personalities. Venus is exalted in Pisces, so this is a beneficial placement. You want a luxurious experience with love. With Venus in 10H, you enjoy status and money but in a low-key way, nothing too flashy. Don’t seek too much validation from society, It’s not healthy. You might have affairs with people older than you/authority figures. You are a loyal person in love. You seek security in both love and career. 

Mars in Jyestha nakshatra pada 4- Mars in 6H

Jyestha is the star of “higher people”. Indra, the god of gods is the deity ruling this star. You could naturally be a leader or commander. You like to be active with an innate knowledge of things around you, especially the workspace. But since mars are on the aggressive side and in the 6th house of work, profession, ambition, and health. Don’t overwork yourself and try to be as patient with people you work with as much as possible. Also, communication is important, but be careful of aggressive communication at times. You could be good at working with teams tho.

Jupiter in Rohini nakshatra pada 2- Jupiter in 12H

For the most part, Rohini in Jupiter gives wealth and possessions, because Rohini lies in Taurus. Jupiter itself is a planet of expansion, a benefic planet. Well-mannered and dressed people. Practicality is appreciated. The questions of the unknown might get you into thinking a lot about existence and spirituality. You will have challenges, but you rise above channeling the energy of self and the universe combined. 

 Saturn in Krittika nakshatra pada 3- Saturn in 11H

Stubborn but tender. Establishing dharma is the key motive. Interest in spirituality, occult. Since it’s in the 11th house, you could learn about spirituality or the occult from the internet or social circles. Humanitarian work is good for you. You look for happiness but might give it up for the sake of others.  Aspirational and motivational as always:) 

Rahu in Ardra nakshatra pada 1- Rahu in 1H       and

Ketu in Purvashada nakshatra pada 1- Ketu in 7H (there’s always so much to say about Rahu and Ketu) they reside in the 1-7 axis of your chart which is probably the most sensitive part. 

The importance is on your “SELF”. You are here to figure out your own identity, find it and work on yourself all the way up to a higher consciousness of self. A desire to find yourself, know yourself. It’s empowering for you to find yourself. Tho Rahu is placed better here, you might need to be careful of karma.  You might want others to look at you a certain way, if not you could isolate yourself or push people away. There’s a certain amount of karma in the relationships involved. 

Overall self-development is THE key. Your mind might feed you all kinds of bullshit. Don’t let it fool you. You are loved and are worth everything. Focus on yourself. 

Lagna aka rising in Ardra nakshatra (Gemini)- Nice proportions of hands and legs. called the model body too. might have to deal with two-timed thinking, but it gives you a fast and intelligent mind. A wandering mind.

Since Rahu and Lagna are both conjunct, the mind sometimes could go off track or be attracted to bad ideas.  Make sure to double think and decide on important things:)

Atmakaraka in Mars- Atmakaraka means “self’. Passionate and competitive self. You should be able to put all this energy in the right places. 

Darakaraka in Saturn- Darakaraka is a spouse indictor. 

DK in Saturn. The spouse could be older than you and has strong Saturnian characteristics. Could have Aquarius or Capricorn placements. Is mature.

Took me some time, so hopefully this can help you. Have a good day/night<3

[35kaku]

21 March 22

Damn I really should use this more often

It's been a long month and next thing I know it's nearly ending already.

My dominant hand is currently suffering like literally cannot rotate them much anymore. Not so sure if it's gonna heal. I've been practicing bass alongside art. Plus I become a contortionist when I nurse.

I just definitely need to let it rest for a good while.

Besides I think it's a good opportunity to do my dental nursing coursework done. It's due in at the end too - so I'm currently procrastinating the shit out of myself at the very last fricking minute lol

I literally have no motivation for all this but I'm apparently good at my job. It's going to be my bread and butter when I get qualified.

I jokingly told my junior that I'm already doing plan B despite the fact that I thrive more in art and design etc.

But oh well, it is what it is.

I'm fine with keeping it as a hobby or a side job thing or whatever.

We vibing.

Anywho...

I'm gonna try my best not to get too distracted.

My playlists are prepared. And they are more organized than my life right now honestly.

Gonna be uninterrupted and hyperfocused for this shit since I only managed to finish 1 out of 5 units - which consists of 2-3 sections as well I'm gonna die lol I really hate this sm.

Whatever I am prepared to die.

[theroundbartable]

Can you tell us what you have learnt a LOT from each art request you’ve done? This could be fun to read :D

Hello ^^ Sorry for he late reply hehe. I didn't know what to say. What do I learn? From the process itself? From the people that requested art? What I learned from my art? For my art? About my art? If my answer is weird or anything, feel free to ask a more specific question :3 I don't bite... usually XD I think what I learn each time I draw... Is that I need more patience. Like... more, a lot more patience. I keep rushing the pictures and end up staying in my comfort zone. Not focusing on details, because.... I am lazy af. I take like 3-5 hours per picture. The longest I've ever taken for a picture was ten hours in one day. I'm trying to take longer, but I get really lazy half way through XD Also I am bad at procrastinating. Kinda. I always want to have stuff done right away. This can be different, if a person asks for multiple requests. Then I procrastinate with a random limit. I think I did one after a year or smth. Not that I get many requests XD I just spend a lot of time on them. And it's still not enough. Time = quality in my case. (I need better time management. I spend all my free time drawing, writing and/or watching stuff lmo.) The thing I love about requests is that people tend to ask for animals and cuddles mostly :D It gives me the opportunity to challenge myself to do better, without worrying too much about the motives :D And without leaving my comfort zone entirely. Things I focus to improve on are always random. often it's anatomy and faces. Mostly faces though. But depending on the picture also clothing design (folds and stuff), Sometimes I really randomly wanna do backgrounds. Sometimes it's composition or character interaction. Whatever I focus on is likely to be the best developed part of the picture. The most detailed or has the most color and lighting effects and stuff like that. It's an unconscious thing, but it's funny to notice. When I upload a sketch, I usually focus on the idea itself more than it's development. Or line art. (I have never practiced line art digitally, rip me, I hate it.) When I post grayscale, then I was focusing on values. If I post a full color picture, it's mostly the vibe I'm going for. If the line strokes are bold and big, I was very impatient. If they are small and thin, then I probably abused my graphic tablet. I keep making the same layering mistakes XD I use the overlay layerin krita a lot, too. That's how I make the glowy effects. I love glowy effects.... which you wouldn't notice... at all *cough * Honestly... that's all I have to say to that. There is a lot I learn. But it's very specific art stuff that I can't fully describe, because it's mostly muscle memory related. You learn art by watching things and breaking them down into shapes. Anyone can do it, really. About anything. At least what I do. I've seen art that is so specific and wild that I have no idea how they can do it. I just do fanart sometimes, there is a big difference. I just happen to do art a lot more recently, because it's entertaining? I'm weird. I rather spend 10 hours staring at a screen and scratching the surface to make some random internet person happy, than play a game or do stuff that are actually fun XD I am, however, patient with myself. If my head requires a break, I can be strangely kind and forgiving. I know most artist start feeling bad. But like... art block is actually the constant state of mind. The motivated part is much more rare. And you cannot force it. That's why I try to keep myself content with my work as much as possible. So that I am happy to return to my work space :) I hope this answered some of your questions ^^ Feel free to ask more. :)

[khaleesiofalicante]

I graduate high school next year and don’t have an idea of what i want to do with my life. I recently got this opportunity to volunteer at a library, torturing younger kids who need extra help with language arts and it’s something I think I would enjoy.

But it’s obviously going to he very time and energy consuming and I don’t know if it’s worth it, not because I don’t like it but because I COULD use that time to study and boost up my marks. I do a few other notable extracurriculars but my grades aren’t ALL A+ yet.

The thing is I procrastinate a lot and based on experience, chances are I won’t use that time to study but to think about it I COULD.

Having a commitment like joining clubs or even going to school helps me because it pushes me to do a specific task at a set time and so it gives my life a structure that’s otherwise hard for me to have (possibly because I MIGHT have undiagnosed ADHD).

But the thing is that i cant rely on that forever because then how would i function as an adult?

It’s so frustrating to have all these expectations and I know everyone says to just screw the expectations and the ones who have met the expectations always talk about how “it didnt make them happy” or “fulfill their lives” but the thing is that they ARE all already successful and if I adapt that “I live for myself and dont do things i dont enjoy” at this young age that there might be a higher chance of failure.

The thing is I can feel all this potential that I have and that everyone says i have but I’m just so tired and I’ve been so tired for a few years and I don’t even know how to stop being tired.

I spent my entire spring break doing absolutely nothing productive and school starts on monday and there’s so much i have to do that the anxiety is draining all my energy and the stress is making me panic so bad and I’m freaking out.

I feel so helpless and useless and I hate it but it’s like a really deep hole and I can’t seem to get out of it but only dig and fall deeper.

It's this thing, you know. You feel useless when you are not productive.

As if, "I didn't contribute anything so I am worthless."

Or even, "I didn't give something to the world today and therefore I don't deserve to feel good today."

We punish ourselves for not having our shit together.

I don't really know what to say. I sincerely hope you feel better though. I hope it gets easier.

But as someone has anxiety and has the same fears and who is now an adult, I can tell you this.

1. The fact that you feel like you need to have your shit together is not fair. Remember that. It's not fair. You are in school. You are LITERALLY a child. Be a child.

2. The assumption that "I'm gonna go to college/I'm gonna be an adult" and therefore "I need to figure out what to do or I need to have my shit together" - it's a bunch of bullshit.

Adults DO NOT have their shit together. I promise you.

But these intrusive thoughts are rather hard to get rid of. Just try to control what you can and take the rest of it as they come.

It's gonna be okay.

PS - The library thing sounds fun. You said you feel like you'll enjoy it. Make room for things in your life that will you enjoy. Cause the bad, stressful shit, it's not gonna go away. So, you are going to have to look for good shit yourself.

Sending love and strength!

[yeocult]

with the moon | k.hj

genre: comfort

wc: 1.2k words

song: our last dream - dpr

synopsis: through the lens of an artist’s journey to heal

blank.

if seeing nothing was possible, it would be his canvas. the canvas that hongjoong was so excited to paint on. it was on the larger scale, not used to what he would normally paint on but he thought switching things up for a little challenge wouldn’t be so bad once in a while. obviously, he had overestimated his skills as a painter. but was being overly confident bad? or maybe he just wasn’t good to begin with?

he didn’t know why or how, but he could sense the canvas judging him as he sat on his stool for the past three hours accomplishing nothing. he felt so small and worthless. the artist found the large white surface to be intimidating, not knowing where or how to start it.

“why? why am i afraid?”

in a matter of seconds, all of his ideas and inspirations start to fly away, leaving him alone in his studio. the paint tubes no longer flashed colours and the scented candles no longer filled the room with its fragrance. he’s all alone.

paintbrushes started to feel heavier, exhausting his arm and the colours he mixed strained his eyes. he ditched the canvas, it’s not like he would achieve much by blankly staring at it. although sometimes he believed that if he thinks about painting, he would eventually start to do it. of course, that was just one of his many senseless ways of procrastinating. because deep down, he was afraid of not doing enough. he had nobody to blame but himself.

next thing hongjoong knew, he was walking down the streets, wandering off to who knows where, just anywhere but in his dull studio that was so occupied it made him feel nothing but empty. it’s like his feet were dying to get him out of that room, and he was thankful for it. because now, inhaling fresh air never felt so much better. 

city life. hongjoong loved it here. every time he sets foot out of his apartment, which is less than he’d like to admit, it gives him the exact feeling of moving to a new city. wanting to explore every inch of this city that he calls home. he loved the buskers who have a desire to showcase their talents. he was fond of the stray cats that wander without a care in this hectic world. the business workers who are constantly distracted by the phone yet still manage to work their way through crowds effortlessly. he admires the new couples who moved across from him for a fresh start. he appreciates the bold graffiti art on the side of the buildings that adds a little more personality to this place he calls home.

it was that time of the day where all the workers ride the train home. when the students leave the library and head back to their rooms to cram in more hours of studying. when couples go claim their reservations for a date that they both been looking forward to. when lost artists including himself roam the streets, looking left to right for any spect of inspiration. if he was lucky, there could be a slight chance he could paint like before again.

nothing was easy, especially when hongjoong was forcing himself to create. he always had this workaholic mindset that he was glad but at the same time, he wasn’t so proud of it. sure, creating fantastic art was amazing. he was afraid that if he wasn’t careful, this workflow would reach a dead end and he would no longer be able to paint like before. he had to keep his train running at all times, not stopping even if he was low on gas. he thought, “who am i if i don’t create? what’s my value?” it was nothing but a constant cycle of self-sabotage.

an artist without art is nothing.

the sudden buzz in this pocket interrupted his negative thoughts. his phone was out of battery, he sighed at the deadweight in his pocket. he took this opportunity to fully live without distractions from his phone. disconnect to connect. he took a deep breath, letting the refreshing air in and out. 

for the first time in what seems like forever, hongjoong wasn’t worried about creating. his mind wasn’t forcing himself to think of new ideas. his eyes weren’t frantically looking for inspiration. instead, his vision was focused on the bright neon lights that made the bars more lively and his mind was thinking about what places he wishes to explore. he was at ease.

his nose travelled to the nearest restaurant that overflowed the streets with its delightful aroma. the bell chimed at his entrance. without a care, he sat alone at a booth and ordered the first meal his finger pointed at. a heartwarming meal that couldn’t compare to the cheap convenience food he’s been feeding on the past weeks. hongjoong enjoyed the food along with the company of passing strangers and soothing jazz music.

his ears brought him to the singer on the street whose voice he immediately fell in love with. getting lost in the large audience surrounding the vocalist, he clapped his hands song after song. a broad smile never leaving his face while the voice whirled and danced around his ears. occasionally humming and mouthing the lyrics as he tapped his feet to the beat. he emerge this cheers and praise along with the crowd.

leaving the scene when his eyes sought out a cat. his eyes made him chase after a cat he felt a connection as if he already saw it before. he didn’t know why or where. with a jolt of adrenaline, his feet sprinted after the cat. his feet were racing faster than his mind. letting the cool air dance through his hair, lifting his hair up and exposing his forehead. letting his feet pound across the ground, it quickly leads him to a larger group of stray cats behind some building downtown and he slowed down his pace. “are you lost like me too?” he spoke softly to the cat. “i don't know the way, i'm like an alley cat.”

dusk. before hongjoong knew it, the sun left him. he was alone for a split second until the moon comforted him. hongjoong was attached to the moon, he preferred sunsets to sunrises. he found solace in the moon during late nights when he was all alone. the moon encouraged him to work harder during the nights where he was up past midnight working on a project. but it also reminded him to rest and sleep before it leaves him in the morning. before the sun is rising up.

hongjoong was an optimist and a hard worker. it was a poison to his health but an antidote for his art career. however, he reminds himself that he’s human before an artist. maybe soon the paint tubes will embrace him with their vibrant colours, the intimidating canvas will welcome him back to the studio, and the scented candles will once again bring life around him with its fragrance. he thought, “maybe i’m not afraid.”

so after his tedious journey for motivation, he did the one thing he should’ve done in the first place; rest.

-

"you're wonderful. there's no need to rush. please take your time to polish your talent." — whisper of the heart (1995) dir. yoshifumi kondō

[frogsandfries]

Finding my style

Obviously, wanting to find some degree of success on WebToon, I thought it would be prudent to learn about the platform from others who've been using it longer than I have.

This of course, has led me down a bit of a like, creative self-improvement rabbit hole.

Now, here's the thing. I really like to look at art that is cute and fluffy and pastelly.

But the art that I make is, I think it shows its Disney/Don Bluth roots. My use of saturated colors, almost straight out of the crayon box, I think shows a confidence in building color palettes, but if you knew I struggled to use the color finders in the art programs I use, you'd also see that.

So anyway, I'm procrastinating right now because I'd like a nap and I just cleaned up like four frames yesterday and already colored two today and what I wanted to do heading into this second issue is make the lineworks a little more complex, more props, more environment, more dynamic poses and shots.

My lineworking brain was fine with this.

My coloring brain feels like the switch was too abrupt. I need more practice.

Anyway.

Heading down this rabbit hole, I watched a video recently that went from "artists act like your style is bestowed by a higher power", to literally telling aspiring artists "step one: gather art that you want your art to be like; step two: study and copy this art; congratulations, you now have a style".

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

First, I have never heard anyone claim their style came as a gift from the heavens or whatever. Styles are hard earned. The reason you might look at my work and feel a bit of Disney, or you might look at the way I draw strong emotions and maybe see a bit of Ghibli is, those were things I was heavily influenced by as a kid.

It gets me to thinking, with some salt, if I really wanted badly enough to change my style voluntarily, to make it more squishy and pastel, I totally could. But first, would it still be my style? And second, I'm actively working on a graphic novel. I believe if I set my mind to it, I could change my style in about a month. It would be totally jarring for anyone who ever reads my graphic novel.

Now that's not to say that I don't want to grow as an artist. I think there was a lot of growth from issue one to issue two, and even more from issue one to issue three. I want to be better at choosing my colors (I decided to cheat at this and use Google so instead of fighting with the color picker, I can choose an existing color from a swatch). I want to include even more dynamic poses. And a personal goal of mine, I want to be better at drawing clothing folds.

What ever happened to just being yourself?

When you look at some of the oldest art that I'm still able to look at, you can see my style beginning to emerge. I'm sure if you could look at the stuff I was making in high school or middle school, you'd see hints of it.

There is no magic three-step program to magically find your style. There is only making--whether you draw or write or sculpt or whatever, it's one piece and another and another, stacked on top of each other.

On the other hand.......

When it comes to making web comics, I do feel a little left out. I don't think my art looks enough like CalArts or anime/manga to fit in. But that's mostly just because my work is surrounded by the rest of this stuff that's trying to look familiar enough to people to reel them in. I think kind of in isolation, my style is fine. It's very visually clear, it's pretty consistent, my characters are also very distinct. I hope the text is clear--I think it's better when I have the opportunity to space out my letters, but I have yet to get any kind of feedback on that.

At this point, I'm just kind of waiting for my audience? I'm not really sure what else to do. There's not enough material even in the lineworks to make any kind of merch. There is such a slog between where I'm at in the story and anything that would really keep readers' attention, if I'm totally honest.

But anyway, I've been working for literally years to build my style. You can't just purchase a style out of a catalog. Or if you try, you'll only be disappointed when you can't draw exactly like the artists you admire. My style isn't even fixed where it is. It changes by the line--which is why, when creating a graphic novel, persistence and consistency are so important.