#i'm not like. feeling big feelings i should clarify. i feel like i'm examining them from a distance and taking notes like a scientist lol

[camellia-thea]

initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.

[ms-demeanor]

You posted about adhd and I was hoping to follow up to clarify something. I’ve explained to my partner a million times about how the borderline-hoarding mess of his space is very mentally draining to me, and he understands but we’ve both essentially accepted he won’t clean his mess because he can’t because of his adhd. You’re saying he’s actually being a shit head?

This isn't necessarily an issue of him being a shithead, but it also isn't a sustainable situation. It's not good for you and there's a level of clutter that's probably not good for him either.

Large bastard is a lot more clutter-y than I am. The solution we've come to is trying to keep our messes at least isolated from one another; he can have his messes and I can have mine, but he can have those messes in his spaces, not all over the place. Sometimes those messes migrate, and that's when it's important for him to make the effort to rein them in rather than trying and failing to make a daily effort to keep our entire shared space tidy.

I think when you say "we've both essentially accepted he won't clean his mess" what I'm hearing is resignation; you're not happy about this but you don't know what to do so you've thrown up your hands and he feels helpless and unsure of what to do to improve the situation. This is the kind of "it's fine" that isn't really fine.

I think it would be worthwhile for you to each separately think about the mess and talk about it together. Are there areas that YOU *need* to have not-messy? Both for utility and your mental health? Are there areas where you can tolerate more mess than otherwise? Are there areas that are going to be harder for him to keep the mess out of than others? Are there things he doesn't *know* about cleaning up the mess?

I'm obviously a big "communication communication communication" person so I'm going to recommend a lot of talking about stuff, which is probably going to mean a lot of thinking about and interrogating stuff. I'm going to say "talk to him about why the mess bothers you" which means you also have to really articulate to yourself why the mess bothers you (for instance I'm not actually *bothered* by a messy kitchen, but I know it's going to reflect badly on us - and me specifically b/c of presumed gender roles - if someone pops by and the kitchen is a disaster, AND a messy kitchen is going to be harder to use). Genuinely, sometimes knowing *why* something is a problem might make it easier for someone with ADHD to do something. And it's not that he doesn't care that it upsets you, it's just that "Oh if I don't wash my breakfast dishes Anon won't have clear counterspace to make lunch" might be stickier in his brain (and less hard to look at emotionally) than "this thing I forget to do upsets my partner so I should do it."

For the record, I think that people with ADHD should read up on Demand Avoidance and see if it might explain some of the issues that they have in their day-to-day life; I've seen some really unfortunate situations with friends where trying to do things that their partner needed became the subject of demand avoidance. *I* have experienced negative outcomes of demand avoidance. The solution to that, however, isn't to stop making attempts to do the thing OR to simply try harder to do as they're asked/told (which reinforces the demand), it's to work on setting up a situation where the partners' needs are not interpreted as a demand. This is fuck-off difficult and requires a lot of patience and care and many attempts to succeed and will be different for each person and relationship.

(Also for the record demand avoidance isn't *super* strongly linked to ADHD and it's not a definitive symptom; like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it is something that occurs in some number of people with ADHD and can be a useful lens through which to examine various behaviors; you don't need to have DA or RSD to have ADHD, and having DA or RSD also doesn't invalidate your diagnosis; they're symptoms. For me, DA often feels like "if I don't look at it, it can't get me" - If I ignore all the messages I've got they aren't real and don't have real consequences so I'll just ignore my texts. If I don't look at the vendor email about the order, the problem with the order isn't real and it won't get added to my task list. If I don't look at the requests in my inbox I can't let people down when I don't do them. It's a self-protective coping mechanism but it's *maladaptive* and I can't just ignore the vendor email or all my texts. I need to work on a way of doing the stuff that I'm avoiding in a way that makes it less stressful and doesn't hurt the people relying on me. That takes a lot of effort, personal insight, trial and error, and )

But before I dive into specifics I want to be really really clear about one thing: sometimes people are simply incompatible. Sometimes one person has such a low tolerance for "mess" and the other person has such a high threshold for "mess" that it can't be reconciled. It sucks that this can end up being a thing that people break up over, but it is MUCH better to acknowledge incompatibility as early as possible instead of spending years and years building resentment.

There used to be a great forum called MiL's Anonymous that I spent a lot of time on. It had a lot of people in a lot of difficult situations struggling to get by and hold their relationships together. The question that was used as a litmus test to approach each situation was simple: If you knew today that everything about living with this person would be the same in five years, would you stay?

Because you can't control your partner. You can't control the future. You can only control yourself and your proximity to situations that are harmful to you. If you knew, 100%, that things wouldn't get better in five years, would you be okay with staying in this relationship? If the answer is "no," then that's that. Don't worry about questions of whether or not your boyfriend is a shithead, start the process of ending the relationship because there's a good chance the situation is going to be exactly the same in five years.

If the answer is "yes," and you'd stay in the relationship regardless of whether or not things changed, then it's time to take actions to improve your life within the context of the relationship.

(No judgement on that yes or no, btw. If you would hate living like this for another five years, and you would feel like you'd wasted your time and hadn't done the things you wanted to with your life, get out. Bail. Go. It will be better for you and better for your partner if you split instead of spending half a decade building resentments and and problems that you'll have to spend another half a decade healing from.)

Also, a note: you describe your boyfriend's mess as borderline hoarding - is the issue *mess* or is the issue *clutter*? I have friends who are very tidy, but whose homes are very cluttered. They like things, they have many things, they keep many things around, but their houses are always clean and well-dusted and orderly, just with a tremendous amount of *stuff.* I am addressing all of this as though the issue is mess, not clutter. If your boyfriend's situation is clutter (the space is busy and packed with things but it is functional and clean) and your issue isn't with *mess* (things out of place, things not having a place, things that need to be cleaned up gathering in stacks, falling behind on regular chores like laundry and dishes and taking out the trash) then you definitely need to assess whether or not you are compatible.

For instance here's a room that is messy but not cluttered compared to a room that is cluttered but not messy:

That first room is a *mess* but it would be very easy to clean up in under an hour. The second room is fairly tidy, but would take significant effort to pare down and declutter. BOTH of these can be difficult to live with but the second one is not dangerous or threatening to anyone's health. (The second one is QUITE cluttered and if every room in a house looks like this it can be overwhelming to live with; this is actually harder to deal with in a relationship than the first one in a lot of ways. I don't have a lot of advice for what to do if your partner is a high degree of tidy-but-cluttered because I don't actually think it's a problem or wrong to have thousands of books or bins full of lego or a million kitchen appliances as long as you have the space and can keep it safe and well-maintained; this is a really significant compatibility issue)

Okay, all that out of the way, here's the hard work.

Talk about this shit

Talk to your partner and define "mess." Make sure you are on the same page about what you mean when you're talking about what a messy room looks like versus what a tidy room looks like. Gather reference pictures. DRAW reference pictures.

Explain not just that the mess upsets you, but *why* and *how* it upsets you. In this context don't think of it as your boyfriend's mess, think of it as an unpleasant roommate. Discuss this using "I-statements". "When I have to pick up laundry all over the apartment, I feel like a parent more than a partner." "When there are piles of miniatures all over the table, I feel like I don't have anywhere to do things I'm interested in." "When there are dishes in the sink, I feel frustrated because I have to clean before I can feed myself."

Discuss, frankly and openly, whether he knows how to clean. I'm not trying to make excuses for him here but a lot of people with ADHD have a lot of stress and avoidance around cleaning because they spent a lot of time getting yelled at for not knowing how to clean properly.

Discuss your needs, be firm about what you require but willing to compromise. You *need* some spaces to be clean, and some spaces may be harder for him to keep clean than others. It may be MUCH harder for him to keep a bedroom tidy than it is to keep a kitchen tidy; if you need a clean and empty bedroom with everything put away and he simply cannot do that, that is a compatibility issue. But perhaps you need *your* side of the bedroom to be very orderly and can tolerate a moderate level of mess and clutter on his side. Maybe you're really really bothered by a messy kitchen, but it doesn't bug you if the dining table is covered with projects and papers. Figure out something more workable than "his mess goes everywhere and i live with it because he's incapable of cleaning" because he probably is not incapable of cleaning and you deserve to have places in your home that are comfortable for you.

Reduce friction for cleaning

Sometimes the problem isn't cleaning, the problem is the many many steps before cleaning, or not knowing where something should go when you are done cleaning. One of the absolute best things I've done for myself for cleaning my space is getting a broom holder and mounting the broom to the wall. Sweeping is now essentially thoughtless. I don't have to find the broom or pull it out from a pile of fans or go scrounging around for a dustpan it's right there on the wall, frictionless. So here are some ways to reduce the barriers to cleaning:

Make sure you and your partner both know how to use your cleaning supplies and know where those supplies are. When I switched dishwasher soap I had to re-show Large Bastard where I was storing it and how it was used, because to him what happened was the dishwasher tabs just vanished one day and he didn't know what I was putting in the machine or the process I used. He sometimes puts tools away in places that I can't see (he's more than a foot taller than me) so sometimes I can't get started on a maintenance project until he shows me where he put the battery pack for the drill.

Consider making a how-to chart to or having him make a how-to chart to keep someplace accessible so he can reference it while cleaning. Goblin.Tools Magic ToDo is great for this. Basically a lot of the time people with ADHD have trouble knowing what to do from step to step even if they've done something before, so having a step by step guide can make it easier (I have notebooks full of step-by-step guides for everything from paying for my tuition to removing licenses for my customers to weeding my yard)

Remove obstacles; don't keep cleaning chemicals in the garage in a box that's behind a stack of parts, keep them in the room you'll be cleaning. Don't keep the cleaning supplies that you use to clean the bathroom in the kitchen. Sometimes this means buying two bottles of bleach solution and two scrubbers and two sets of cleaning gloves but having fewer steps (fetch the windex, fetch the paper towels, fetch the gloves) is often the key to getting things done (open under-sink cabinet and grab windex, gloves, and paper towels that are there instead of in the kitchen).

This sort of overlaps with the next category, which is:

Create Dump Zones

One thing that I've found that seems very different between people with ADHD cleaning and neurotypical people cleaning is that neurotypical people are good at getting to a point where the cleaning is "done." They have checked off their tasks and they have finished and it is over. There are *SOME* chores that are like this (taking out the trash is a binary state, the trash has been taken out or it has not) and some chores are perpetual (horrid cursed dishes) but I think with people with ADHD, some chores that are binary for neurotypicals are actually perpetual chores. For instance "clean off the counter" is not a one and done for me. "Clean off the counter" may involve a three day reorganization project. "Clean off the counter" does not mean "wipe down the tile and put dishes away" it means assessing whether or not I need to make vegetable stock and bleaching three tea containers and reconsidering whether or not the sharps container should live somewhere else and going through the mail and figuring out what needs to be responded to and taking out the recycling and on and on and on.

We have had company at the house for the last two weeks, so I asked large bastard to clean off the dining room table, which is largely a project zone for him. Cleaning off the dining room table meant putting away his meds (and since he's a transplant patient that involves a 30 gallon rubbermade tote), throwing away some trash, and totally reorganizing his workshop. It also incidentally involved picking up a table from facebook marketplace and moving my plants, which has now involved moving my former plant rack outside (moving buckets, finding and organizing planters and gardening tools) and taking the former table to the thrift store (not done yet) and cleaning the rug that was under the former table. So "either the table is clean, or it isn't" isn't really true for us.

HOWEVER "hang on we can't eat until the table is clear so let's drive to Pico Rivera to get that console table right now" isn't a workable plan, so you create dumpzones as areas of holding between the start and the finish of the chore.

A dump zone can be a laundry basket. It can be a craft bin. It can be a back room or under your bed. It is a place to put things that you are going to deal with later because if you deal with them now it is going to derail the thing you are actually trying to do, which is set the table for dinner.

Dump zones are vital to cleaning with ADHD and I recommend them for day-to-day cleaning as well. The day-to-day dump zones might be more for you than for your boyfriend. For instance, Large Bastard works with bullets and he sheds bullets all over the house. I used to get stressed when I found bullets when I was cleaning because are these work bullets? Are these recreational bullets? Are they in testing? Do they need to be pulled? Do they go in the workshop or the office or the garage or does he need these today so they have to stay on the counter? And the answer now is "that's not my problem naughty bullets go in the jar." Which is perfectly sensible because he gets to say "mystery yarn goes in the bin" and "art supplies go in the bucket."

I feel helpless when cleaning a lot of the time. I'm frustrated and lost and I don't know where stuff goes and everything I pick up spins off into three projects in my head and every step feels like a wall to scale. Dump zones help me with that when there's pressure or a reason for cleaning beyond day to day home maintenance. People are coming over? The bedroom is a dump zone, I'll deal with that later. I'm just cleaning up because I need to? Okay I can find a permanent home for this new dish soap.

AS A VERY IMPORTANT COROLLARY TO THIS:

Active projects do not go in dump zones while you or your partner are cleaning. This may mean designating a project sanctuary area like a corner of the table or one particular chair in your main room where a project can be placed so as not to be disturbed. (if my current crochet project ends up in the yarn bin, that may mean that I don't pick the project up for another three months, it lives on the windowsill behind the couch because that's where it'll get worked on)

Do not put things away for your partner, put them in the dump zone for your partner. Your partner has to be the one to put their own stuff away in a way that works for them. I tend to find that this naturally puts a limit on the time stuff sits in the dump zone, because eventually you'll go "hey where's my thing?" and will put stuff away. If that doesn't happen, it's still generally better to have stuff in a dump zone than all over the home.

Do not decide you know what things go together from your partner's stuff and try to "put like things together." The neurotypical urge to put like things together is the mindkiller(j/k). You do not know which things are "similar" in your partner's organization schema and attempting to organize things on your own is going to end up with all of the things "organized" being functionally lost forever from your partner's perspective. Large Bastard's mom would do this and it was infuriating, she'd say "oh I put all the electronics stuff in one box" and she would mean soldering irons, transistors, ham radios, HDMI cables, and cellphone chargers. We are *still* going through boxes of stuff that she "tidied up" when he was hospitalized in 2020 and 2021.

To prevent the need for quite so many dump zones over time, you can work on setting up landing zones and "homes" for projects and tools.

Landing Zones

Landing zones are places where things go when you come inside from doing various things. Sometimes your landing zone only needs to be a tray for your wallet and keys, sometimes your landing zone needs to be a place to take off muddy boots and put a trowel and gloves down before you shower.

To make an effective landing zone, consider what behaviors you're trying to minimize and whether the people using it are ACTUALLY going to use it. For instance I was tired of the corner of my hearth getting cluttered with random junk so I hung up some hooks and put a shelf and a basket there and it became a really effective landing zone for my bag and keys and the mail, but it was VERY ineffective for Large Bastard because it's by a door that isn't the primary door he uses to enter the house. As a result I always know where my keys and bag are but he has trouble finding his keys and wallet. He tends to enter the house through our bedroom and has an overloaded valet next to the door and that's usually where his wallet ends up. Mounting a shelf to the wall above the valet and putting a basket and a hook on it will be a better place for his stuff to land. It's not that he's not using the first zone because he doesn't know that it's there, or because he doesn't care about lost time when I'm searching for my car keys after he borrows them, he's not using it because it's not by the door he uses. That's all.

I have a landing space for when I come in for gardening that's different than the one when I come in from grocery shopping. I have a landing space for when I walk into the dining room instead of the kitchen when I get home.

Landing spaces prevent stuff from piling up all over the place because they are a limited functional space that should be used frequently. Mail ONLY goes in the landing zone. If you have mystery mail or if you're not sure it's safe to toss, you put it in the landing zone. You can't let the mail get piled up too high or you won't have a space for your keys. You can't let the change in your wallet tray get too deep or your wallet is going to slide off, etc., but you also don't just put change on the coffee table or your nightstand because the landing zone is right there.

Homes for items are just what they sound like. They're the place the item goes. It lives there. My meds live on my nightstand. You would not believe how poorly I did with taking my meds on my vacation because they weren't on my nightstand. A while back large bastard lost one of his sets of sorted meds and we tore the house up looking for them because he couldn't find them in his nightstand, which is where they live. *I* found them in his nightstand because I emptied out the entire top drawer (he had only looked on the top layer) and found them underneath a radio and a hammock. Even though they were *hidden* they were in their home, so they were findable. I recently needed ink for an art class. Art supplies live in a dresser by my desk. Ink lives in the art bin or the top left drawer. The ink was not in either of these places (it was on a cabinet in the dining room behind a teacup) so it took me weeks to find it.

Sometimes the reason that ADHD spaces are so messy is because objects have been assigned homes in places that are visible and if they get moved they get lost. This is a genuinely difficult problem that requires a lot of effort to solve and can involve a lot of trial and error for creating a tidy living space. For some people, open shelving and visible storage might be a good solution. For some people, assigning a VERY clear home and inculcating that location by habit is the only way to clean up a space. For some people one very cluttered corner to at least isolate the chaos does the trick (for me and large bastard open shelving doesn't work because anything in one place for too long becomes invisible; that means that I rely on assigning things homes and large bastard relies on having contained chaos and a general idea of where to search but what that DOES NOT mean is that he is clean or tidy. His spaces look like an explosion. But he can mostly find his stuff and do what he needs to do and as long as that's limited to specific places in shared spaces I can live with it; the dining room table can be a disaster, the kitchen cannot).

People organize things differently. It often takes a while for neurotypical adults to settle into an organizational style that works for them and ADHD adults may need to settle into a new system every few months for it to continue working. The cleanup and declutter is most likely going to be a permanent project that is always going to demand some level of attention from everyone in a shared space, but "my ADHD means I can't do it" is not really going to fly. Maybe his ADHD means that he can't keep his space tidy, but it doesn't mean you can't move stuff from shared spaces into dump zones or that he can't do stuff around the house.

If he's insisting that his ADHD means that he can't clean it is possible that he's not being a shithead, he just feels helpless and doesn't know where to start and has adopted the belief that he's a useless piece of shit who can't even keep a tidy space like a grownup because he's internalized a lot of shitty attitudes (hello, my internal monologue about keeping a clean house). But it's also possible that he's just being a shithead.

It's something that's worthwhile to investigate with him. If he's unwilling to make an attempt, then he's being a shithead.

It is also not your responsibility to rehabilitate another person. If he wants to clean and it's something he feels bad about and needs some help and support with the way that someone might need help or support for learning to use a mobility aid, that is fine but you don't have to be the one who gives him that support if it's detrimental to your health, and you don't have to be the one to teach him that stuff if it's not something you're capable of. And if he is NOT interested in working on making your shared living space more accessible for you, that is not your suitcase to unpack and you just have to ask yourself the question from the start: would I stay with this person if I knew the situation was never going to change?

IDK, I'm sure a lot of this reads like "anon you must take on the emotional labor of training your partner to be an adult" but it's really meant to be more of a way of assessing yourself and your relationship. If you created landing zones do you think he'd use them? Would he get angry if you assigned a laundry basket as a dump zone for his stuff while you tidy the living room? Is living with him long-term going to be comfortable for you if nothing changes? Do you have enough of a shared definition of "mess" that you're at least in the ballpark for what counts as a clean house?

anyway good luck, and a reminder to folks that I'm compiling a bunch of adhd resources and other information on my personal website, ms-demeanor.com. It's coming along slowly but it will eventually include stuff like ADHD cleaning tips and how to tackle a hoard, so maybe keep your eye on that space.

[idolish7imagines]

Could I request Riku, Yuki, Tenn, and Gaku getting a specially made box of snacks, sweets, and chocolate for Valentine's day?

Basically, everyone else gets a cute snack bag but they get a whole box.

Riku, Yuki, Tenn, and Gaku getting a specially made box of snacks, and chocolate for Valentine's Day

.::.

Nanase Riku

"Woooaahhh, what's that big one?" Riku turns wide eyed at the sight of the gift basket acccompanying the smaller boxes of valentine themed snacks you'd brought in and set on the table of the IDOLiSH7 dorm.

You walk up behind him, looking over his shoulder to see what he means. "Ah, thats for you Riku." You offer a sweet smile. "The rest are for the others."

There's a sparkly gleam in his ruby eyes as they lock onto yours with an adorably awed expression. The one you'd been hoping you'd see when you gifted him the basket.

"Thank you so much (Y/N!). Ah, now i'm feeling self conscious about what I got for you, its not this big!" He quickly takes up the box, opening it to see whats inside like a giddy child on Christmas.

"Don't worry about it. I wanted to make it for you." You reassure him, ruffling his soft red locks.

"I might share it with some of the others, i might get scolded if I eat all of it in one day and my stomach hurts." He chuckles.

"Silly, of course don't eat it all in one day." You exhale through your nose with a small laugh yourself.

"But I'm so excited just seeing it!" He retorts with puppy dog eyes. "And its for Valentines today!"

"Alright, maybe you should distribute them."

A loud "YES!" could be heard all the way from Tamaki's room.

"..just keep most of it for yourself and take it easy on how much you consume all at once." You clarify, hoping he won't let Tamaki dig in for himself, he won't have any candy left at that rate.

"Mm!" Riku obediently nods. "

Yuki

Your boyfriend gives a shocked yet curious blink, tilting his head at the box you've set in front of him.

His sky blue eyes examine over the box, glancing at the neatly decorated outside rather than instantly looking inside.

His little quirks confused you sometimes, but you can't say they weren't part of what you love about him, how he bothered to pay attention to the box you picked out that you thought would suit him the most and how you added a bit of your own designs to it.

Eventually he opens it, probably predicting you were about to declare it was fine for him to finally do so, as he looks at the contents of it.

Yuki wasn't much for sweets, so you kept the chocolate itself to a minimum, instead opting to include snacks that he liked but were a little more expensive than usual.

You notice how his eyes soften and that you've truly touched his heart in the way only you know how, before closing the box and holding you by your waist, closer to him.

"Its wonderful...you're wonderful." He smiles.

That brings a bigger smile to your own face, enjoying the little distance between your bodies and the subtle heat it gave off.

"You deserve it." You coo, lips inches away from his ear, both of the two of you's arms start to rest on the others back in a slow hug.

He slowly nuzzles into your neck. Right now it feels like only the two of you exist.

"Maybe I should've went even bigger with your gift since I feel spoiled now.." He mutters.

A wave of slight surprise washes over you, pulling back a little to look at him. "What do you mean you 'went big'?"

He gives a knowing grin, starting to pull you along to show you your gift to properly express his gratitude for you.

Kujo Tenn

Tenn loves how generous you are, bringing gifts for all of TRIGGER even though you didn't have to, and they certainly hadn't asked or even brought up the holiday aside from some work they had on the day.

You came in during choreography practice break to distribute the little gift bags you assorted all by yourself. Ryuu and Gaku were thankful for your effort, seeming pleased with the contents of the bag.

Your boyfriend was expecting the same, after all you must've already spent so much money to get something for all three of them.

However, his soft pink eyes widen at you coming back into the room with a box so big you had to carry it with both of your hands. It was almost like a care package but not in a basket.

It was an adorably shocked expression that you seldom see on his face, you desperately wanted to take a picture (as did his fellow group members) to capture this moment.

"This is for you, Tenn-kun." You sweetly smile, offering the box to him.

Not wanting to leave you hanging, he gently takes the box from you, opening the flaps to see whats inside.

Not only was it candy and donuts to satisfy his sweet tooth, but also some of his favorite body wash and colognes.

The other two figure its a good time as any to make their leave and give you two some privacy; they could discuss about the contents of the box later.

Tenn doesn't notice them even leave (probably for the best), just sifting through the candy and gifts with his soft angelic smile, whether he knew he was intentionally or not.

The idol finally looks up, making eye contact with you. "Thank you for making this Valentine's Day special, (Y/n)"

"Of course, Tenn." Your hands come up to cup his cheeks. Both of your gazes softened. He couldn't care less if anyone passed by and saw you right now, you're the only thing that mattered.

Yaotome Gaku

It truly troubled him that he'd be busy today. He almost feared he would make it home late and not get to see you on Valentine's day of all days to be busy with work. That is, until you come through the door of TRIGGER's dressing room, bags hanging off of both arms.

They were red and pink, signature colors of the day.

It took no time at all for you to pass out chocolates to his fellow members. He's glad he isn't the hastily jealous type (most of the time but he keeps it inside-) since you'd given it to the others first and not him.

Finally, you turn to him, handing him the entire bag rather than taking the chocolate out first.

Gaku blinks, grabbing it and looking inside, his eyes glancing over all sorts of gifts.

"wait..all of this is for me?" His tone had a hint of surprise and confusion.

"Of course, silly. You're the one who's my boyfriend after all." A slight chuckle escapes your lips. He could be so silly sometimes.

Gaku decides not to question it further, the corners of his mouth slowly turning upward.

Not much time passed before you found yourself in his embrace, tightly hugging you.

"I love you, (Y/n)." He whispers, a far cry from his usual baritone voice. His tone was gentle, and only for you.

You blink a few times, not expecting him to get this sentimental so fast. Though, this was Gaku after all, it didn't matter who was around or how bold something seemed, if he wanted to say or do it, he would.

"I love you too, Gaku." You arms wrap around him as well.

[tigger8900]

The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store, by James McBride

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2

In 1930s America, Chicken Hill was a community of immigrants, with recent Jewish arrivals living and working side-by-side with the Black descendants of slaves taken from Africa a hundred years ago or more. Most residents would agree that the heart of the community was the grocery store run by a Jewish woman named Chona. But when Chona intervenes to protect a deaf black boy from institutionalization, a series of events are set in motion that would lead to the discovery, 40 years into the future, of human remains at the bottom of an abandoned well. The question of whose body it is and how it got down there can only be answered by tracing the actions of the entire community, as they come together in response to crisis.

This was the first book by James McBride that I've ever read, and if the rest of his books are anything like this one, I understand why he's so popular. This is a story that takes its time, circling repeatedly around the same events to examine them from multiple perspectives, before moving swiftly to cinch the plot tightly around the conclusion. But through all of the plot circling I never felt bored with it, because it was fascinating to get to know the community through the eyes of so many different individuals. I wouldn't go so far as to say the pacing is off, but you will need to bring patience for the slow build-up. It pays off in the final quarter of the story, but it's a journey to get there.

It's worth mentioning that, despite the dark elements in the story — and there are many — this book has a sharp sense of humor. It has to, because if we'd had to read through all of that heavy, grim subject matter without the tension breaking with a chuckle now and again, it would have been too much. That said, the dark parts are incredibly dark. Aside from the obvious racism and white supremacy present throughout, there's some not-so-obvious content, so I encourage readers to check warnings. Despite the negative attitudes expressed by many of the characters, I found the various groups depicted — Black people, Jewish people, and people with disabilities — to be treated with respect by the author.

Despite all the good, there were a few things I wasn't a huge fan of. First, there were some dangling plot elements that seemed to be set up and then forgotten about. For example, there was an ominous deal made out of the half of the note that Fatty dropped, but it ultimately seemed like it didn't matter. And there was also a recurring character who seemed to be set up for a big role in the events, but ultimately he re-entered the plot just before the climax kicked off only to chill off-screen. Don't get me wrong, the matter of who wound up down the well and why was answered in a completely satisfactory manner. But I got the vibe that some additional clarifying scenes had been cut, leaving me with lingering questions about some of the background action.

The other thing that stuck out to me were the occasional preachy asides, where McBride nudges aside the fourth wall to speak directly to the reader on some matter or another. I can't decide if I thought they added to or detracted from the narration. As much as I feel like the story's message should stand on its own without needing to be explained to the reader, I do realize that sometimes we have to hammer the point a bit more obviously to make sure it lands. So I'm conflicted on this.

Ultimately, this was a very good book that deserves every best-of spot it's been landing itself on. I went into it expecting a book about a combined Jewish and Black community standing up against white supremacy, but found a story about the power of community to come together when it matters to take care of each other, regardless of ethnicity or ability.

[iviarellereads]

Harrow the Ninth, Chapter 10

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For detail on The Locked Tomb coverage and the index, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

(Slashed Fifth House icon) In which Harrow finds that her insanity followed her to this alternate Canaan House reboot.

"Then Nonius spake full wroth; thunder'd his voice as the black sea roars on the tomb-gate of Algol, "Blazing his eyes with the fell light thrown from the Emperor's corpse-fires; answer he gave, and he told them--" "Stop," said Harrowhark, from behind.

She and Nigenad are in the library at Canaan House with Magnus and Abigail, the Fifth pair. Ortus was reciting from his poetry, to Magnus's delight. Harrow's embarrassed that he would recite it aloud to anyone, having heard so much of it herself because, she knows, Ortus hopes that one day she will be so moved that she will release him from his duty as cav prime and let him be a Ninth House bone skald.(1) They make mention of a dirty magazine, of sorts, that Magnus found in the gents' washroom, and Harrow wants to flee.

Before she can, Abigail intercedes and asks if Harrow is interested in study about the Lyctors. Harrow says she will not reveal if her House has any information about them, but Abigail says no, silly, the library is positively stuffed with information.(2) She even punctuates it with "phwoar"(3) which nearly pushes Harrow past her limits of tolerance for vulgarity. Only, she can recognize that an offer is being made, and decides to take it.

Abigail shows Harrow a particularly interesting passage she found on a page of flimsy: a recipe.

After that cut into cubes, fry in the butter or oil, turn it occasionally until it is crispy. Cut up the pickle so there are no big chunks and mix it into the pan before taking off the heat. M told us yesterday that Nigella "eats like a child," so I

Harrow thinks it's useless, but Abigail thinks she can call the writer's ghost with it, and uses "phwoar" again. She reckons it's by a Lyctor, and discusses at some length the process and problems with potentially calling a Lyctor back from the River, if they're even dead to be called. Ortus says he admires her dedication, and Magnus tells Ortus to stop flirting with his (Magnus's) wife, though he quickly clarifies that it was a joke, he knows it wasn't intended.

Abigail gives Harrow another piece of paper, asking Harrow to examine it with her skills. To the side, Magnus is asking Ortus about the epic poem, and how long it takes for Matthias Nonius to defeat the foe. Harrow answers with snark. Magnus looks at her, his eyes "of a colour suddenly hard to define", and he asks "Is this really how it happens?" Harrow is confused.

Abigail, by way of distraction from the strange question, asks if it's traditional for Harrow's spiritual energy to be so diverse. She can sense at least 150 signatures contributing to Harrow, that many souls manipulated to leave a mark on her… Harrow nearly kills her on the spot, but runs instead, knowing that Abigail is far more than she seems. Nigenad follows, and she commands him that they avoid the Fifth at all costs now. He agrees.

Harrow slips into an alcove and looks at the paper Abigail gave her, which reads (though, all in caps, which I'm not replicating here because I don't feel like yelling)

The eggs you gave me all died and you lied to me so I did the implantation myself you self-serving zombie and you still sent him after me and I would have had him if I hadn't been compromised and he took pity on me! He took pity on me! He saw me and he took pity on me And for that I'll make you both suffer until you no longer understand the meaning of that goddamned word(4)

Harrow asks Nigenad what the paper says, and he says it reads "If you come to my room, I will make you the potato dish you liked". He asks how they should interpret potato. Harrow suggests "your closest vegetable relative", and Nigenad says he's always admired a quick wit. He often only thinks of a perfect response to things hours later, laying in bed, and besides which he hates conflict of all kinds. Harrow says he should be ashamed to admit that last, and says she needs a cavalier with backbone. Nigenad says she always did, and he's glad he never became that cavalier. Hours later, laying in bed, Harrow wonders what the hell he meant by that.

=====

(1) Skald - a composer of Norse skaldic poetry. In this case, a composer of bone poetry for the bone house. (2) Another massive change from the original run of this story. (3) "phwoar" is a sound-expression used to indicate sexual attraction to someone. Or in this case, something. Abigail Pent has it bad for these books. I can relate. (4) There is so much to unpack here and nothing I can say without spoilers except to suggest that if you're reading for the first time, bookmark this to come back to later, you'll probably know when.

[chaosorchestrator]

Ok, so I see a lot of backlash against AI art (which probably doesn't technically count as art but there's not a better term yet), and initially I kind of thought people just didn't understand the technology.

Because I'm not on twitter and I'm only loosely connected to the professional artist community, I only recently learned that some people (apparently there's a big overlap with the crypto assholes here go figure) are basically using it to steal art commissions and taking training data from artists who have expressly requested not to have their art used in that way. These practices are absolutely unethical and they should be stopped from doing it.

That said, it does seem like there's a misunderstanding about the tech, and it's causing the backlash to spill over onto the technology itself, which I feel is unwarranted.

Before I explain why, let me first clarify what type of AI i'm talking about. people tend to use the term for any computer-generated art and while that's fine (that's just how language is), I'm talking about a specific type of program here.

What I'm not talking about is a program that stitches existing images together (like whatever godforsaken monstrosity belches up bored apes).

What I'm talking about is images made with machine learning.

to drastically oversimplify, when you feed a training input to an ai, the program examines clusters of pixels, creates a new value for each cluster and passes it on to the next layer. repeat the process a few dozen times and then look at the output. depending on how the output relates to the desired outcome, you send feedback back down to the beginning of the chain, tweaking numbers along the way. No part of the image is stored by the program, and the output is discarded. this is repeated hundreds of times and the transformations on each layer gradually learn what images of the type contained within the set tend to look like, and how shapes tend to be connected in them and so on.

Note that, while I know the above is accurate with respect to image analysis ai, I'm not as well informed about image generation. Still, the general principles are the same on the training side of things, and some cursory research suggests that the same techniques are used for this part.

So based on that, while we colloquially describe the process as "feeding" the AI, it's more accurate to say that the AI is "adjusted based on how it responds to" the data.

Good AIs usually also have some random noise introduced into the process, which keeps it from hewing too closely to the training set.

I've seen a comparison where there was a work based on various famous paintings compared with what was supposedly AI output which was clearly just bits of the original paintings awkwardly stitched together. I can confidently say that if this really was ai output it's either a shitty one or was given like 500 copies of each of the handful of paintings and nothing else.

While it is possible to do art theft with ai if you force it to as described above, in the same way a human might painstakingly create a forgery, used normally, what it does genuinely is more similar to learning than anything else. for that reason, while I recognize that the technology is being abused, and art is being used without permission when it really shouldn't be, it isn't technically art theft.

Given all of this, I would personally propose three broad rules be implemented and enforced ASAP.

Always disclose when an image is AI generated and not human-made

Implement (and respect) an opt-out option on websites where art is posted (in account settings, with the ability to make exceptions for individual images (I don't really understand why you'd want to opt out, but it should be your choice)

Keep a record of every work used for training and credit them somewhere anyone who wants to look can find it

These aren't meant to be comprehensive or anything, and I'm almost certainly missing some things

Assorted closing thoughts:

I use these AIs every now and then and still commission artists exactly as much as I did before (like once a month or so).

This is probably because the things I want the AI to make from me are things that i don't care enough about to commission ("soda cans in a cave") or something really abstract that I want to see a machine's take on ("colorless green ideas sleep furiously")

Capitalism is really the main problem here, but what else is new

Neural networks aren't just "based on" the functioning of the human brain; in an abstract sense it is literally the same process, just scaled down and simplified.

Watermarks will work decently well in keeping an ai from accurately mimicking your style, but will also probably make the AIs output cooler looking

What do you think? I'm interested in hearing as many different takes on this as I can find.

[dai-nana-han-agenda]

One thing I don't like about SNS fans is that some of them feel the need to drag Sakura through the mud in every one of their posts. Calling her a gay beard, saying she is nothing more than a device to convey Naruto’s feelings, calling her catty and jealous of Naruto because Sasuke likes him more than her, etc...

Like, Sakura deserves criticism just like everyone else does, but there's a fine line between criticism and just making shit up like saying Sakura was willing to give Naruto over to the Akatsuki just because of that line where she said getting closer to the Akatsuki would get them closer to Sasuke. Yes, before you ask, I have seen every single one of these claims in SNS posts before.

Like, I'm not the biggest fan of her, but I honestly just feel bad at this point. I know you're a big fan of her so what do you think?

omg anon, I just got war flashbacks to 2014 send help HFKDHKSHSKS.

I honestly did not expect my answer to be as long as it is (that’s on me, I should’ve known that I’d be incapable of shutting up) so I’m putting the rest of the response under the cut!

I feel the need to clarify to anyone that reads this: I am also a SNS fan so please don’t come for me!! I know there are plenty of SNS fans that are also Sakura stans (or at the very least, don’t have any strong opinions abt her character, which I’ll always take over the overly-negative ones) but there is definitely no denying that there’s a small percentage of that fandom who actively hate Sakura for things that are literally out of her control.

You basically summed up how I feel about the whole thing. I think there are legitimate reasons to dislike Sakura as a character, but once people start twisting the narrative - that’s when I get defensive. It’s been proven time and time again that Sakura has nothing but love for both Naruto and Sasuke (once again, I am asking the fandom to stop holding her hostage for shit she said in the very beginning of the manga!!) so this argument that Sakura would be catty / jealous / homophobic because of SNS’s bond literally makes no sense to me.

(Like, seriously. If y’all have CANON evidence, please feel free to let me know and we can discuss it! But most of the time, it’s just people deliberately twisting canon to fit their own personal agenda.)

In terms of the jealousy aspect, I personally don’t mind the characterization that Sakura would be jealous on like, a human level. I understand that. When the people you’re close with enter romantic relationships - especially in this case, when it’s literally her teammates - I think there’s a very natural sense of loss and envy that comes with that. Even in a platonic sense, when you feel that two of your friends have a stronger bond, or that they can connect on a level you will never understand, I think it’s very natural to feel jealous or left out. However, in my opinion, that jealousy would never turn into resentment or bitterness. Sakura has always valued the happiness of team, so at the end of the day, I genuinely think she would be supportive and it pisses me off when SNS fics paint her as this jaded ex / the villain of their ship. Like, y’all are going out of your way to make her the bad guy, and for what? 

It’s funny, I’ve actually read SNS fics where authors are actively aware that Sakura wouldn’t be bitchy, but write her as a bitchy character anyway because they need a villain for their story. Like... maybe you should take a step back and examine why you feel the need to make her purposefully homophobic. 

As for the jokes about her being a beard for Sasuke - well. When done without any real malice, I think they can be funny. But as a casual SS fan, I do think they get old really fucking quickly. Sakura literally has no agency & it baffles my mind when people blame her for ending up with Sasuke (I’m not even pulling this out of my ass - I’ve literally seen these takes.) Like, take it up to Kishimoto!! Leave her alone!! It’s so funny to me when people come up with these wild conspiracy theories as to how Sakura “tricked” Sasuke into marrying & having a child with her as if these aren’t characters with no real agency at the mercy of a heteronormative author. I totally understand if y’all disagree with SS - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but I also take issue with how their canon relationship played out - but people who hate Sakura for ending up with Sasuke as if she had any real control over the matter... It honestly makes me laugh. It’s genuinely funny. Like damn, a fictional character who isn’t even the villain of the show really gets your blood boiling that badly - it’s very girlboss of her!

Also, I just need to throw this in here because it’s come up on my TL a few times and I want to vent: I honestly cannot fucking stand Boruto, none of that shit is canon to me, but SNS stans who deliberately make hateful jokes about how Sasuke purposefully abandoned Sakura and Sarada because he doesn’t actually love them... Like, that’s not the slay you think it is. Y’all are making fun of Sakura for having to be a single mother, but I think there’s something super fucking tragic about the fact that Sasuke, who has so much love for his family and his clan, basically abandons Sarada in her early childhood. I know he has his reasons, but in my opinion, it does a great disservice to his character. Idk, the Sasuke I know would never, but Kishimoto simply does not understand him like I do. Idk, I don’t watch Boruto, so I can’t really give a fully formed opinion about this, but this has been sitting on my mind for the past few days and I wanted to put it out there.

All this to say, I can’t control how anyone thinks. I’m waaaaay past the point where I feel the need to fight with anyone whose opinions I disagree with - the block & mute buttons are my friends and I use them often. As long as no one comes into my space and starts talking shit, especially since y’all KNOW Sakura is my ride or die, then I’m just living my best life.

[gncrevan]

on internet leftism, public shaming, and how to grow as a person

at the moment of writing this, social media is hotly debating a tweet and the track record of a leftist streamer called badbunny. i'm not tuned into any of that enough to comment on who she is or if her platform is harmful. but i do wanna take this opportunity to talk about something that has been weighing on my mind for a while now.

this text was forming as i read lindsay ellis' statement leaving youtube, as natalie wynn went through her fifth or so twitter "cancellation", as sia talked about her relapse and suicidality following the backlash to music, and as pretty much every day a niche microcelebrity or normal person with the bad fortune to go viral got eaten alive on social media for their bad takes ranging anywhere from questionable media opinions to genuine antisemitism. i want to be clear that i think all of these people said and did things that deserve various amounts of criticism. this text is not to defend anyone. it's a look at group dynamics within leftist praxis.

preamble: because nothing is ever fully original, i wanna give a quick shoutout to the podcast you're wrong about, specifically the episodes "public shaming" and "cancel culture", for kickstarting a good chunk of my thought process here.

i don't use the term "cancel culture" to describe the phenomenon i'm discussing because i find it exceedingly vapid and unhelpful. the right and the left use it to mean entirely different things, none of which are well described as "cancelling".

i think the progressive/leftist online sphere is creating a more and more toxic environment by expecting perfection from people. having a big platform is a responsibility and it can be very harmful to even have so much as a bad take. but to paraphrase this video by alex peter: we don't hold people accountable, accountability has to come from within. the only thing we do is punish people. and as an abolitionist i don't think we as leftists should believe in punishment, but in rehabilitation.

yes, public shaming and deplatforming serve an important function to a) reinforce the ethics of our in-group and b) take away power from those who abuse it to harm others (since as we know the justice system does not come for the rich and powerful). but in most cases on the internet, that is not what we're doing. we're not serving a social safety measure, we're getting off on being in the in-group and doling out punishment. hell, maybe we're even getting our 15 minutes of fame out of it by commenting on a trending topic. or maybe we feel compelled if not outright forced by in-group/out-group dynamics to clarify our position on this topic, on every topic, always. but how does any of that serve the betterment of them as a person, or our society as a whole?

i want you to think of all the things you have said in your life that would cause backlash if you were in the public eye. more than that, i want you to think about the people who don't like you, who think really badly of you, and imagine that they were leading the public discourse about you (credit to rayne fisher-quann for this imagery). none of us would look good, even if we've grown and changed and made amends. i don't wanna live in a world where that is our normal. i believe that as leftists we need to move towards a restorative approach, fueled by empathy.

i believe and have personally witnessed that humans fundamentally have the ability to change and become better. but nobody can grow in an environment that puts them under constant attack. if you're busy defending yourself, you just purely psychologically cannot critically examine your behaviour and beliefs because you're in survival mode, sometimes literally. that's why we constantly see creators (and artists, celebrities, twitter's bad person of the day) doubling down on and defending their bad takes and talking about their mental health instead of apologizing. it's not fucking helpful.

there's a time and a place for public shaming, and there's a time and a place to stop and let the person actually process what happened. and you don't have to personally forgive them if they change their ways, or like them afterwards — there's plenty of creators i don't like purely because they said too much dumb shit or have politics i can't agree with or just give off bad vibes and i'm a hater. but that's a completely different issue. criticism is always valuable, but if i want our community and society to progress in any meaningful way, i need to ask myself if calling someone out serves a purpose or is just contributing to a pile-on, if i'm approaching them with goodwill and empathy or just dunking on them. if i want them to learn and change for the better, then i need to afford them the space necessary to grow. we can't build a community on punishment and fear of repercussion. our foundation must be one where we recognize each other's humanity and engage in good faith as peers.

[terrence-silver]

AAAHH!!! Those 2 parts of dad!Terry are absolutely perfect!!! Maybe I'm skipping some years here😅, but what if his daughter got engaged? Would he arrange the wedding like he did with prom? Would he freak out because he'd be losing his only daugther?🙉

-"Do you love her?"-

The first thing Terry remembers to ask when he's left alone, as per explicit demand, with his daughter's spouse-to-be, in the changing room, attire and all the flim-flam prepared for the big announcement. The one and only thing that's been rummaging through his mind since the engagement was brought to his attention (even though he suspected and knew months prior through sources of his own) --- naturally, the creature responds with a prompt yes of course, yes, sir, stuttering in surprise once they're in each other's company and each other's company only, but no, that won't do. Terry's not content. Not at all. -"Would you kill for her?"- He gets closer, face to face, reiterating and reformulating the question out of the blue, he realizes. Giving it a new shape. A new structure. He sees himself reflected in the anxious flutter of their eyes. Nervous? Frightened? Ought to be.

-"Sir?"-

The creature is confused.

There's nothing confusing about the question, though.

Pretty easy and straight to the point;

Would? You? Kill?

-"Because, I would."- Terry clarifies himself, his voice feeling entirely flat and impassive in his throat, like a dangerous, low hum, affixing the collar of their formal attire for them, smoothening the seams to perfection with tidy fingers. -"I'd kill for everyone I love and if I wouldn't, I simply don't love them."- He finds himself chuckling and it was the truth too. He's had his adventures in a bulk too countless to list, but it was never worth killing or really caring over. The creature's mouth is partially agape. -"For her, I'd set the world on fire and it wouldn't make a lick of difference to me. I've seen the world on fire before. Not even figuratively. I've seen the skyline above Haiphong explode."- Terry smiles with a recollection at the Christmas Bombing of '72, and it's a smile he senses rumbling deep inside of his own chest. An honest, unfeigned thing --- holding himself back from shivering and tripping out. He really would. If she asked him to light a match and douse it in gasoline, he'd douse it in gasoline. That was a father's love. Terry Silver's love. Terry Silver didn't see a logical reason why he should give his only daughter up to someone who doesn't love her as thoroughly. In his experience, people always went to extremes for things they actually wanted, whether it be a business venture, a promotion, a prime revenue mansion, revenge, prestige, a friend's favour or someone's heart and if they didn't, they didn't want it enough. Humans were as black and as white as a checkboard when boiled down to their baser instincts. Their jungle snake instincts. Anyone who claimed any different was selling something. -"Question is, would you? Given the chance? Would you kill? Could you?"- Terry meets the slight shiver of their jawline, followed by a curt affirmative nod and he reaches for the inside of his own blazer jacket, pulling out a knife, handing it to them. This is a sai. He's tempted to explain and teach. Be a good Sensei. It'll be your friend and ally in the endeavor of true love. Instead, Terry presses on; -"Say it with words. With conviction."-

-"Yes. I'd kill."-

The creature confirms, their sweaty fingers grabbing ahold of the handle.

-"Good. Very good."- Terry coos softly. He might just be a father-in-law to this individual yet. -"So, prove it then."- He steps back, not pleased with just talking the talk, wanting the walk be walked too, tilting his head, admiring the sight of his daughter's significant other examining the blade curiously, surrounded by flower decorations, champagne, dressing mirrors and measuring tape. Did they even know that she won't be taking their surname? The creature will become a Silver instead? That is, if they prove themselves adequate --- and prove themselves they would too. Only reason Terry was even giving them this chance was because he knew his precious love found this buffoon charming and if she found them charming, Terry would find them charming for her sake as well. Then again, she could care for a clown for all Terry was concerned, so long as that clown was willing to rip someone's neck out with their bare teeth for her sake. Be endlessly devoted. -"This family has a couple of enemies you can deal with in her name."- Terry adds, checking his Rolex for the time, flicking his wrist, having some guests to greet outside, sliding his hands in his pockets, nonchalantly, figuring he might as well kill two birds with one stone --- for practicality's and control's sake. Get rid of some rivals and prove that the creature really was worthy and capable of protecting his sweetness once Terry himself wasn't around anymore. Creature had some big shoes to fill too. Terry was always good at antihalation, even when he was pretending he wasn't. -"You'll be good, go through with this engagement and then after that, you'll have a private jet waiting for you to take you where you need to go and await further instructions."- Terry gives out his order and ultimatum before leaving the room with a polite, coaxing grin, noticing the sheen of the cold steel he's given them reflected in their gaze.

-"Consider that,"- He warmly remarks the sai. -"an engagement present from pops."-

Sheer sarcasm graces Terry Silver's lips.

[johnsamericano]

“ƁҽɑմեíƒմƖ Տեɾɑղցҽɾs.” ղ.ყ.ե.

Part of the Rockct! Collab I'm holding. Click here to check out the works of other amazing authors.

warnings: sex, drinking, cursing.

~

“You played so well tonight!” A horde of people, not older than 30, approached Yuta as soon as he jumped off the stage, red guitar still hanging from his shoulders. “Can I get an autograph?”

“You played so well tonight!” A horde of people, not older than 30, approached Yuta as soon as he jumped off the stage, red guitar still hanging from his shoulders. “Can I get an autograph?”

Getting asked for things like that was a sign that they were getting bigger, nonetheless, he wasn't a big fan of signing boobs or asses.

It's all for the greater good, Jaehyun would always say.

“Alright, guys. That's enough for the night.” He left behind a round of sighs as he approached the bar, asking the woman serving the drinks for a whiskey, straight.

“Right away, boss.” They already knew each other from previous gigs, even had shared some drinks outside of the stinky bar. He would've made a move on her if she hadn’t clarified she wasn't interested in him, or in any men for that matter.

His hand straightened the short hairs of the shaved side of his head. It was a new style the hairdresser suggested, and the audience seemed to like it almost as much as him.

“Can I have another beer, please?” The person sitting beside him asked in a funny accent that had his head turning to the side before he even realized.

“You’re not from around here, are you?”

“What gave me away?” Your tone had a certain humor to it that your face couldn't quite match. Your lips were as straight as a ruler, as if they'd never curved into a smile. “Are you going to keep staring?”

“Sorry.” He smiled with his mouth wide open, revealing all of his pearly, straight teeth. “I’m a foreigner as well.”

“Well, a toast to the foreigners.” You raised the bottle of beer, proceeding to chug down the remaining of the amber-colored liquid.

Both of your drinks arrived, the barwoman sliding them your way and spilling some of it while doing so.

“Did you like the show?”

“I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.”

“Ouch.” His face was plastered on posters all over the place, so naturally, you were aware he was part of the band that was playing only a few minutes before your encounter.

“Is that guitar part of the whole rocker fit?”

“Is that attitude part of the whole beautiful stranger concept?”

“Touché.” You dragged the bottle over your lips, letting the glass caress the delicate skin. “So you think I'm beautiful?”

“If I said yes, would that give me points?” His elbow was supported uncomfortably on the counter, showing off the muscle of his naked bicep.

“Perhaps.”

Interrupting at the worst timing, his band members walked up to ask him if he needed a ride home. Your flirty eyes almost looked as if they were challenging him to leave.

“I think I'll stay for a while longer.”

“Oh, will you, now?”

“Guess we’ll see you tomorrow...” They shrugged before leaving with their belongings in hands.

People started leaving quickly after that, the mood now dead with the absence of live music. But Yuta was far from wanting to leave, mesmerized with the aura that surrounded the stranger beneath him.

“What’s your name?”

“Let’s not do that.” Your bottle of beer was once again empty. “It’d ruin the vibe.”

“And what exactly is the vibe?” He asked, amused by your bizarre antics.

“Two strangers that pretend to be interested in each other so that they can have a good fuck.” Your sincerity took him aback, yet, he couldn't deny that the idea had crossed his mind once or twice.

“What makes you think I'm pretending?” Your face inched closer to his, lips ready to crash at his signal.

“Cause that's what they all do.” You whispered, the light breeze coming from your mouth crashing with his soft pillows.

“Let me prove you wrong.” He replied in the same tone. Your hands grabbed the nape of his neck, closing the distance between your lips.

“Go ahead. My hotel room is just across the street.”

“Lead the way.”

The bartender had insisted your drinks were on the house, allowing you to reach your hotel room faster. Even while the elevator ascended, he couldn't take his hands off you, admiring your body from behind through the mirror.

“Needy, much.” You snickered, hiding your face in his neck to pepper kisses all over the silky skin.

The elevator doors to your floor opened, forcing you to let go of each other while you walked to your room. You hurried to take out the card from your purse, quickly sliding it over the sensor to open the wooden door.

It was a small room, which is why it didn't take you long to find the soft comforter of your bed. Yuta was under you, your legs straddling his torso as you took off his sleeveless, denim jacket. There was a strange tattoo on his forearm, a detail you hadn't noticed before.

“Still not gonna tell me your name?” You smiled for the first time in the night, and Yuta could've sworn the room seemed more illuminated.

“We gotta keep the whole mysterious stranger concept, remember?” His hands rested just above the curve of your ass, too shy to move them any lower.

“You’re so annoying.” His lips curved into a smile, mimicking your own.

Your hands had already busied themselves lifting his shirt above his arms, his naked chest, now in display, lit by the dim moonlight coming in from your window.

“You seem to be the only one having fun here.” With a swift movement of his hips, the positions had changed. The new angle allowed him to see your face better, every single twitch of your eyebrows, he noticed. “What a beautiful stranger you are.”

As much as you wanted to deny it, a pleasant, warm feeling started bubbling up at the pit of your stomach. Without wasting another second, you threw your shirt somewhere in the bedroom. Your breasts were naked. How come he hadn't noticed you weren't wearing a bra?

“Don’t tell me you're having second thoughts.” He snapped out of it, hands quickly sliding up your torso, all the way to the small mountains that rose in your chest.

“No, just admiring the view.”

It was curious how comfortable you were around each other, almost as if you hadn't met only a couple of hours ago. The way his hands worked tortuously slow through your clothes had you squirming in desperation more than once.

“Don’t rush me.” He kept saying throughout the night, working his magic to find every sensitive spot in your body.

By the time you were both done, your bodies were hugging tightly to each other, fluids combining as your breaths slowly calmed down. He was the first to speak.

“I should be the one to leave tomorrow morning, right?” You hummed, not a single hint of sadness in your tone. “What if I don't want to?”

“Then I'll have to leave, though it would be weird since it's my room.”

“Then I'll have to hug you tightly so you can't escape.” You slapped his arm softly, hiding your face between his chiseled pecs.

“You’re ruining the concept.”

Sleepiness was washing over both of you, and before you knew it, you were into a deep slumber. Yuta kept his promise, holding you tightly from dusk till dawn. But not tightly enough, since you were gone once he opened his eyes.

With a bruised heart, he stood up from the bed, not bothering to cover his noble parts since there was no one to look. His mind ran through the possibility of waiting for you to come back, but the note left on the small nightstand made it clear you didn't want that.

-See you next time, Yuta.

There was something odd about the note, but he couldn't quite figure it out. It wasn't until he was walking back home, his hands tucked inside the front pockets of his jeans, he realized something. He pulled out the note, examining it to confirm his suspicions. You knew his name.

“Fuck you.” He muttered, grinning at your cleverness. Of course, you knew his name. Everyone at the club did. But you were careful enough not to show it, for it would mean you'd have to tell him your own.

He folded the note carefully and saved it back in his pocket. It was the only proof none of it was a product of his imagination, a mere dream caused by the drinks he'd had.

But he could do nothing about it, only wait until you decided to find him again.

“Until the next time, stranger.”

[tiktoks-for-tired-tots]

ok so instead of answering every anon individually ive decided to address it all in one post. Id like to start by thanking original anon for their last couple of anons. id also like to clarify some of what i said which seems to be getting misunderstood:

When i said i knew transfems who saw no issue with me posting what i posted, i did not intend this in an 'i have transfem friends so i cant be a transmisogynist' way. I meant that I am involved in trans circles and have friends who are transfem, some from the UK, the majority of which saw no real issue with me posting the video of lil nas in voldemort costume. I also had more transfems in my inbox who agreed than disagreed. This was not me trying to prove i was right, but trying to illustrate that I had been privy to discussions on JKR from transfems who condemn her and her franchise and have done independent research on the issue, and am not entirely uneducated. I clarify this as ive gotten many anons telling me to find the words of trans ppl online and educate myself, which is something that I have done multiple times in the past. people can be educated on a topic and still hold a different opinion/gen

I genuinely appreciate the people who have come to me to give their perspective, and I have not and will not respond to most of them, this includes people aggreeing and disagreeing with me. I am not trying to dodge the topic, it would just be unrealistic to address each one, some of which are very difficult to read due to grammar or lack of context, or are simply being very nasty. I do this when it comes to any issue that comes into my inbox. I have read each one of them with as open a mind as I could.

I will admit that yesterday I came across as dismissive and stubborn. I'm sorry for this. I have since tried to swallow my pride and be unbiased in how I regard whats been brought up. I acknowledge that many valid points were made and that some of what I've said has been wrong. I really hope that I haven't genuinely hurt people with all of this. I have decided to take the video down to avoid further mistakes on my part and to show that I acknowledge much of what people have said as being right. I still believe there is nuance to be had, but I think that my inbox is the wrong place to have it and that the right move is for me to continue genuinely considering things that were said, my own biases, and opinions. I think it will take more than 24h and is something I can do outside of my blog, by reading what is already told to me and examining myself. This may seem inconclusive but I'll try to clarify: as of right now I believe much of what has been said to me is correct, much of what I said was wrong, and that some is still for me to figure out. What I am going to do is take down the lnx video, do real self reflection and further research, absorb the opinions which are apart from mine, and make the decision to move further discourse away from the public of this blog and its posts as i dont feel its entirely productive for anyone involved. I am not a person of empty words.

My stance on the video was that HP is something not entirely avoidable but that nobody should support JKR via money or indirectly. I also believe that while people might still enjoy the franchise without supporting, that they should analyse the works for anti semitism, transphobia, and racism. I asserted that Lnx has monetarily supported trans causes and had not shown any support of JKR's views, and that posting his funny costume was likely not as big a deal as ppl said. I am currently reevaluating this stance on multiple points, mostly privately.

Thank you for reading!

[tenitchyfingers]

if you're upset that antis call proshippers paedophiles, just realise that they're doing exactly the same thing that proshippers do. neither side is in the right here. it's reasonable to call out the extremists, but not to label the entire side the same way. when you actually examine the core beliefs of each side, there are genuinely a lot of similarities between the more 'moderate' antis and proshippers. obv there are huge differences but they're not quite as big as people think.

"Neither side is in the right here" ok so I'm being extremely calm right here and I'll establish what these terms mean to me:

Anti-shipper/fanti/fancop: person who thinks some themes should not be permitted and thus censored in any kind of media, and if they are the author should be punished.

Pro-shipper: person who might or might not enjoy themes of dubious taste (in fact a lot of proshippers have really "vanilla" tastes in fiction), but know how to scroll past it and not let it get to them because they know 1. the impact of art over fiction is not a 1:1 equivalence and art cannot influence reality, it can only influence feelings and notions people already hold of themselves and the world around them; 2. their discomfort is not more important than someone else's freedom of expression; 3. they are aware that through the uncomfortable work the author might be working through some of their own issues with for example being an abuse/SA/CSA victim, because everyone worth a dime is aware that writing stories about one's experience is a valuable method of coping and reframing an experience in a way that will make that experience hurt a little bit less.

In short, to me the difference between proships and antis is not the content of what we enjoy or what we don't enjoy, but our approach to it is, and also I don't believe people who want to stay out of it should be forcibly shoved in either camp, however I believe they should stay out of it for real. For example, Sarah Z had every right to not concern herself with this, but if that was her stance then she should have stayed out of it fully because she doesn't even remotely know the full story of this whole bullshit and her take is extremely limited, and on top of that she's arrogant enough to believe she has the gist of it when really she knows nothing and also refuses to get educated even when other people do literally all the work and all she has to do is listen. If you're neutral, then act like it, because especially in her case, her intervention only caused MORE harassment, like when she dug up some old tweets and some old episodes and didn't even do us the common courtesy of censoring our handles, which at this point I believe is FULLY on purpose and she wanted the OPs of those tweets to get harassed some more, because she has EDITORS working for her and she surely does revision work, and she still let some of the names through the editing. That's the most unforgivable part of her latest video to me, tbh.

Pedophile: an adult person who experiences sexual feelings towards prepubescent children in real life and might molest them, although statistically speaking most child molesters do not qualify as pedophiles. This implies that the accusation of pedophilia is really about accusing people of thought crimes, not of actual harmful actions.

So now that I've clarified what these words mean to me, I'd like to know what they mean to you for comparison (I'm not saying what they mean to me is what's correct, but there might be some differences there and thus misunderstandings). I would also like to know what is so criminal in being the ones who get harassed, pushed to suicide while in a vulnerable state, doxxed and threatened while just trying to enjoy some fictional media that is not real and never harmed nor can harm anyone (example: anti saying "I got groomed through fanart". First off, a person groomed them because fanart cannot possibly do that. Secondly, literally any hobby or object can be used to groom people, and there's a reason why at least in the 90s a common advice from parents was "don't accept candy from strangers"... because kids like candy and candy can be used to groom them - so what, do we ban candy or do we keep more of an eye on the kids under our responsibility? Third, it all depends on how they were educated, because I saw a lot of fucked up fanart growing up but i was never groomed by anyone into doing sexual shit with it). But anyway, please tell me how we're equally as culpable as the people attacking us. Because first off we did not start this, and our reactions are, at the very worst, limited to spamming some gore/porn on discord. Which, yeah, it's unpleasant, but it's not physically threatening to anyone and it's not killing anyone. Or if you're gonna bring examples of worse behavior I'll be happy to hear about it, what I'm hearing right now is that one person punching someone back after getting assaulted is exactly just as bad as shooting someone point blank in a group of 20 people, because antis don't usually act alone, they move and act in packs. And this is not a description of the "extremists". In fact, I have never in years heard a mild opinion by an anti, if that's even a thing. Like what's a moderate anti take? "Yeah I think you should lose your job over this drawing you like but I mean it as a friend"? Like I've only ever heard takes like "yeah I think this is gross but I'm not gonna harass you about it" (which is a neutral take and I never ever had a problem with it because people have their own taste and sensibility, and as long as they leave me alone about my own I am completely chill with them) and at the very mildest "x is a pedophile because they ship sebaciel" to "if you ship x I will literally do anything I can because I'm Protecting The Chirren" (i don't have a link right now but someone made a whole ass thread with this overall message, when i was on twitter I immediately felt compelled to block them because holy shit that is truly deranged), which is by its own literally slander and technically punishable by law, it can create problems for us in the workplace (in fact it HAS, in a notable case of a queer disabled artist who got slandered on twitter by a "friend" and blacklisted by some in the animation industry on the unsubstantiated claims of pedophilia last year, in the middle of the worst of the pandemic).

Please understand I am just completely fucking sick of this climate, I just wanna enjoy my shows and have my ships and not have to worry about being slandered or outed to people who have institutional power over me.

And congrats if you read all of this. I've been at this bullshit for years now and I'm just completely tired of being attacked for feeling certain ways about lines on paper, and I'm baffled that I'm basically being told that not only the attacks are fine, but I also should not even call them out because that means... what, being just as bad as my aggressors? So what, should I just watch these animals rip into friends and artists I admire, even though they're wrong and only doing it to get on some power trip? Why exactly?

[thecoleopterawithana]

Hello, I'm the last anon you answered to. I'm sorry if I came out as defensive because it wasn't my intention. In fact I've always thought that John was bisexual until I started questioning everything. ( I'm a bisexual guy myself and I'm perfectly happy with the way I am ! ) It's just that I feel like Yoko would just say whatever she wants on John to suit her agenda. John's sexuality had always been an interesting topic and dropping something like that would gaib her publicity this is why I --

I question the authenticity of her claims. She could have lied about it just to attract attention… And I’d be disappointed because John was in fact my idol and he gave me the strength to come out as bi to my family. But there’s so many anecdotes about him being homophobic that it just makes me sad and this is why I hardly doubt that he was a bisexual man…As for the Cynthia quote I heard her say something like “ John was afraid of homosexuality just like everyone ) in a video on Youtube –

I am very conflicted because I’ve watched videos of John ( interviews etc ) and many comments said that he was very skilled at manipulating people and wasn’t as honest as he appeared to be, which is why I doubt. John had always been the rebellious type and I started thinking that he was using the bisexuality topic to shock and make people talk about it which is disappointing. Was he dropping hints that he was bi to piss off people and make publicity ? This is what I believe : (There is also -

Something he said to Alaister Taylor where he said that he was trying to spread the rumor that he was gay or bi just for fun and he told him that he would never shag a man because just the thought of it turned him off… Yet he also told him that he adored Brian so much that he would have done anything with him ( he contradict himself here. ) So yeah I didn’t want to be rude. I apologize. I think I need reassurance. Could you please analyse everything I said if u don’t mind please ? : (

-

Anon 2

At the very least all these years later isn’t it circumstantially suggested that John had very private gay encounters, and was uncomfortable making them public, yet wanted to hint at them so he could deal with this matter int he future? He was protecting his privacy and his ego, and perhaps wasn’t yet ready to reveal either his encounters or mixed feelings of bisexuality. His encounters have been protected by those with whom he was involved, people thameant a lot to him, no?

-

Anon 3

hey! by any chance, do you have knowledge of the quotes where john said “sex with girls felt like a performance after the first time” and “i was never sexually attracted to women before yoko”? i am SURE i’ve seen the first one somewhere on tumblr, though the second one is more of a quote of a quote so i’m not sure if it’s real or not dfkdjk thanks, anyway!

-

Anon 4

Hello! Is it true that John used to be very attracted to the drag scene in St Pauli ( I guess that was the town I read about ) and that basically the drag / gay scene made him feel comfortable and at home? Says a lot about him!

-

@tbhmarjj

I adore you, thank u for this blog and ur beautiful mind. i doubt johns bisexuality at times tbh considering he went to great lengths for publicity and he wanted to be an LGBT ally, be cool and outspoken and as he himself said it was trendy to be bi. but then again he was obsessed with Paul in so many ways and he was the embodiment of John’s ideal man. beautiful, talented, intellectual. I’ll be patiently awaiting ur posts exploring Paul’s views on johns sexuality.Thank u

-

Hello again, anon! 

I want to begin by thanking you for getting back to me after I answered your ask and for clarifying where you were coming from when you wrote it. It really is quite hard to fully get the tone of a written message, especially one that is so short that you have no context to draw from to get the emotional meaning behind it. It really appeared to me when I read it that the concern was not who was saying it (Yoko) but about what was being said (John was bisexual). I can now see that was not the case and I appreciate that you’ve made that clear. 

I also hope you don’t mind, but I’ve taken the opportunity to include in this answer all of the other asks I’ve been receiving regarding John’s sexuality. It’s clearly a topic of great interest in this community. So I’ll be attempting to address all the points raised here. Again, this is nothing definitive; only my personal readings of the situation as I find it at the moment.

Before I do answer, though, I’d just like everyone to take a deep breath and a step back. Let’s try to examine this topic a bit more objectively. 

I understand that sex is kind of major in our society. Our notion of identity is tightly bound to our classified sexuality and gender. Sexual relationships (or amorous relationships) are seen as the epitome of human connection and the ideal everyone should be striving for. And people fundamentally want to be loved and not alone, so it makes sense that figuring out who is a potential companion (and if that companion is interested back) is such a big deal.

But despite these layers of meaning and societal pressures, we should keep in mind what sex represents, essentially, from an evolutionary point of view. 

For social animals who derive pleasure from sexual stimulation, sexual intercourse is – like all the other kinds of affection – a way to build connections. 

If you want to find examples in nature, just look at our ape cousins, the bonobos. The also called pygmy chimpanzee lives in a matriarchal society where sexual behaviour plays an essential role in strengthening social bonds, lowering tension and keeping the peace. Bonobos don’t discriminate between gender or age (except between mothers copulating with their own adult sons, so as to prevent cross-breeding). It’s the true “free love” society; evolution took “make love, not war” and ran with it. 

Our own culture seems more similar to that of bonobos’ northern neighbours, the common chimp. Their patriarchy is more conservative regarding sexual intercourse, which is mainly used for reproduction purposes, and their power structure is based around intricate political games, where males form alliances and try to get public support in order to overthrow the ruling party.

I find it endlessly curious to look at these two species, whose physical separation by the Congo river made them diverge so starkly in their social organization, and compare them to the struggle between these same two natures that we find in our own society. 

All this to say that, from a simply biological point of view, I have to agree with John and Yoko when they say that everyone must be bisexual. If sexual intercourse as a social behaviour is, inherently, all about establishing bonds and connections, the extent to which those connections are “allowed” to be built depends entirely on the hierarchal structure that same society is trying to preserve. In other words, what is classified as morally right or wrong is more reflective of the rules in place to keep that society working as it is, than it is of what is naturally present as a drive. 

If your brain is primed to seek pleasure and sexual intercourse brings you pleasure independently of the partner’s gender, then the partner’s gender should be inconsequential.

But unlike bonobos, humans are kind of touchy about touching. So there are other levels of information influencing behaviour. The processes of socialization – of internalizing the norms and ideologies of society – and enculturation – by which people learn the dynamics of their surrounding culture and acquire values and norms appropriate or necessary in that culture and worldviews – are as determinant as the genetic factors influencing behaviour. In fact, this added education can be so effective in curbing your “primal instincts”, that one might forget they have them in the first place. 

Thus, the concepts of gender identity and sexual orientation are a constantly shifting construct based on the various interactions between your genetic makeup and social influences. 

I just think that, in order to have this discussion, it’s important to separate the various levels of it and be clear about which we are referring to.

There is the basic evolutionary drive to seek pleasure and form connections.

There is the social education about that same drive and how it is allowed to manifest itself.

And integrating all these different signals and information – various potentials which manifested as attraction – there finally is a behaviour, a choice.

And finally, there’s the external point of view of other members of society looking in and trying to discern other people’s drives and how they relate to their choices (that’s us now). The problem is, we often throw our own drives and choices into the mix, especially with regards to something as personally defining as sexual orientation. 

So we have to make very clear in our minds what is the end goal here. Why are we interested in discussing this topic? Are we looking to discern as much of the truth as we can get it, objectively trying to understand these human beings? Or are we trying to confirm our own projections on them? And please, don’t take me wrong. All these are valid reasons to be interested in a subject. Often how it resonates with us, so personally, is vitally important to reaching a greater understanding about ourselves and learning how to communicate that to others. 

But in the same way a piece of music can make you have a transformative emotional experience that the artist didn’t necessarily go through, it’s important to remember that our own inner-life might be affecting how we examine others. Better be mindful of what we project, lest we think are finally seeing inside another person when in fact we are only looking at our own reflection. (And honestly, I believe getting to truly know ourselves in this processes can be a hundred times more valuable than knowing the other. By learning to recognize ourselves we can better understand other people and vice-versa.) 

So if it is important to you that John is bisexual, my honest opinion is that all the information can be read in a way that confirms it. We’ll hardly ever know for sure, and based on what we do know, that can certainly be the takeaway. 

But if we want to objectively examine John’s sexuality, we shouldn’t bring in a confirmation bias. Meaning that we should be emotionally detached from the outcome, as long as it is as close to the truth as we can get. But this is only where I’m coming from, and I’m a bit of a scientist. It’s totally fair if you’re not in it for the same reasons. Though again, working under the assumption that you want to know my stance on it, let’s proceed.

I understand your reservations regarding Yoko as an unreliable narrator. To analyse Yoko’s motivations would be an interesting topic, but one which I will not go in at the moment as I don’t feel sufficiently informed about Yoko as a person to give an extensive examination.  

But in my opinion, there is a whole lot of other information available from which to draw from other than Yoko’s statements. 

I also get your and @tbhmarjj‘s concerns about John’s declarations during the 70s. But it’s the same question I posed in the previous post: Was the “bisexual chic” fad of the 1970s merely a publicity stunt for those involved? Even if it was, did it make the experimentations undertaken any less true? Were they just faking it for the press or were they finally allowed to try and be open about it? 

Because I come from the biological background that places sex as a positive social interaction like any other, meaning that its purpose is to create bonds and the pleasure is our “reward” for doing it, I tend to believe that the behaviours were genuine. The drive there is real. As real as the internal constraints that would act on them as a result of societies shifting expectations and permissions. And this socialization is as determinant in the creation of sexual attraction as anything. So based on our definition of sexual orientation, all those bi rockstars of the 70s could have effectively stopped identifying as bi once the new social norm overrun their own internal drives and the previous less conservative status quo. That didn’t make them less bi when they were. 

It’s funny, but in terms of gender and sexuality, nothing is real so everything is. 

So yeah, I think that John could have been bisexual the second he felt he was. But because the social tide was likely to shift, it was better to also maintain a measure of deniability: it was just for show, it’s not serious, I was just taking the mickey out of you and you fell for it! Of course John was smart enough to leave space there to retract. He and Paul had mastered the art as communicators through song. They could claim them to mean everything and nothing as it suited them. As Anon 2 says, it’s a protective measure. 

So I think that at some point in time, John genuinely identified as bisexual. Now whether he acted on it or not is another questioned entirely. As Anon 2 points out, there are various circumstantial accounts, but these are always tougher to verify. 

I tend to believe Yoko when she says:

So did Lennon ever have sex with men?

“No, I don’t think so,” says Ono. “The beginning of the year he was killed, he said to me, ‘I could have done it, but I can’t because I just never found somebody that was that attractive.’ Both John and I were into attractiveness—you know—beauty.”

I ask what she makes of the people outside the building, the crowds still at Strawberry Fields.

Ono misunderstands, or mishears (or is simply focused on the last strand of our conversation), and continues to talk about sex.

“I don’t make anything out of it. When you’re not really interested in that sort of sex, you don’t think about it. Both John and I surprisingly were very passive people. Unless somebody made a thing out of it, if they made a move, I wouldn’t even think about it.”

— in Yoko Ono: I Still Fear John’s Killer by Tim Teeman for the Daily Beast (13 October 2015).

At least I believe he at least never “fully” did it, in the sense of full-blown anal sex. I think there might have been “milder” homosexual interactions, such as handjobs, that could be rationalized as not entirely gay (the thing with Brian in Spain being one of them.)

Regarding the drag scene in Hamburg Anon 4 was asking about, I agree that it also provides information about John. Though I think it’s mainly about his gender identity rather than his sexual orientation (though the two are invariably linked in the construct as well).

Here are some quotes about it:

With his four months’ greater experience, Sheridan was an ideal guide to the Reeperbahn’s more exotic diversions, like the Schwülen laden. Stu Sutcliffe later wrote home in amazement that the transvestites were ‘all harmless and very young’ and it was actually possible to speak to one ‘without shuddering’. Though raised amid the same homophobia as his companions, John seemed totally unshocked by St Pauli’s abundant drag scene; indeed, he often seemed actively to seek it out. ‘There was one particular club he used to like,’ Tony Sheridan remembers, ‘full of these big guys with hairy hands, deep voices—and breasts. But they used to make an effort to talk English. There was something about the place that seemed to make John feel at home.’

— In John Lennon: The Life by Philip Norman (2008).

And according to Horst Fascher (bouncer at the Indra Club and the Kaiserkeller):

It wasn’t just girls that were on offer to young english rockers. Monica’s Bar was Hamburg’s notorious transvestite club. For one or two English musicians, Monica’s was just another part of the Hamburg experience.

HORST FASCHER: One night Monica said, “Come, come and look. One of your boys is in the séparé.” “And who is it?” And she said, “One of the Beatles.” “Let me look”. She said, “Be careful. Look only sneaky-like.” But I did. I grabbed the curtain, pulled it aside and there was sitting John in… in a position with that girl, and you know. He felt really ashamed and I said, “John, don’t worry man. I did that all before.”

— In The Beatles Biggest Secrets. [Transcription is my own and I’m not too certain of it.]

Though there certainly might have been an aspect of sexual interest to it, I think John’s fascination with the drag scene was also the kinship with the queerness he felt inside himself; mainly in regards to him wanting to express his more sensitive side, which is coded as feminine in our society. So I think seeing men indulging in femininity and nonnormative behaviour resonated with him.

Also, I think it’s even more important to understand John’s relationship with sex in general, regardless of the partner. 

To that end, the quote mentioned by Anon 3 is of special relevance:

When I was a kid, I wanted to shag every attractive woman I saw. I used to dream that it would be great if you could just click your fingers and they would strip off and be ready for me. I would spend most of my teenager years fantasising about having this kind of power over women. The weird thing is, when the fantasies came true they were not nearly so much fun. One of my most frequent dreams was seducing two girls together, or even a mother and a daughter. That happened in Hamburg a couple of times and the first time it was sensational. The second time it got to feel like I was giving a performance. You know how when you make love to a woman that the moment you come, you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything. The more women I had, the more the buzz would turn into a horrible feeling of rejection and revulsion at what I’d been doing. As soon as I’d been with a woman, I wanted to get the hell out.

— John Lennon to Alistair Taylor (Brian Epstein’s assistant), 1965. In his autobiography With the Beatles: A Stunning Insight by The Man who was with the Band Every Step of the Way (2003).

And another important passage is in reference to Janov’s Primal Scream Therapy:

Well, his thing is to feel the pain that’s accumulated inside you ever since your childhood. […] The worst pain is that of not being wanted, of realising your parents do not need you in the way you need them. When I was a child I experienced moments of not wanting to see the ugliness, not wanting to see not being wanted. This lack of love went into my eyes and into my mind. […] Most people channel their pain into God or masturbation or some dream of making it. […] But for me at any rate it was all part of dissolving the Godtrip or father-figure trip. Facing up to reality instead of always looking for some kind of heaven.

— John Lennon, interviewed by Robin Blackburn and Tariq Ali for Red Mole (8-22 March 1971). [I really can’t stop pointing to this quote as one of the most important in order to understand John Lennon.]

As he reiterates in ‘I Found Out’ (1970): Some of you sitting there with yer cock in yer hand / Don’t get you nowhere don’t make you a man

To me, John’s pursuit of sex is, like most things in his life, essentially about filling this black-hole of emotional pain. He internalized the lack of love from his parents, which went into his eyes and mind, until he himself believed he was unlovable. This lack of self-esteem translates into a lot of pain and the need for an external solution for that pain. 

The external solution is not wanting to feel so vulnerable any more. This can be achieved either by trying to seize control, by exerting it over others or having them look up to you (e.g. “fantasising about having this kind of power over women”; “some dream of making it”). Or it can be achieved by handing control over and being taken care of (e.g. “people channel their pain into God”, “I’ve seen religion from Jesus to Paul”.)

Sex as an activity can play into these various dynamics: it can be used to feel power over others, as John started out; it can be used as an escapist distraction, like a drug (e.g. “you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything”); and it can be used as giving yourself over and being loved, looking to receive that which you can’t get from yourself. 

As time passed and the first two solutions stopped working, I think John focused on the third: sex in the context of an emotionally close relationship as the ultimate intimacy and proof that he was loved. And because he wanted to absolve himself of responsibility, to be taken care of, his partner needed to be someone on the other end, someone who had control. In our culture, this reads as a masculine figure (e.g. “father-figure trip”). 

This may be from a female, whose masculine qualities were what attracted John in the first place:

In this intense, intimate and revealing original cassette recording of a private conversation in 1969 between John Lennon and Yoko Ono, the couple speaks primarily about Yoko’s past relationships, her music and art, and their random views on sex, love, promiscuity, and homosexuality. […] [Lennon] adds that he had never met an attractive woman that had sexually aroused him to any great degree.

— Description of the 45-minute audiotape auctioned in 2009 by Alexander Autographs.

I used to say to him, ‘I think you’re a closet fag, you know.’ Because after we started to live together, John would say to me, ‘Do you know why I like you? Because you look like a bloke in drag. You’re like a mate.’

— Yoko Ono, interviewed for New York Magazine (25 May 1981).

Or the partner he was looking for could be found in the (often dominant) person he was most emotionally invested in his whole life. 

All I want is you / Everything has got to be just like you want it to

And in a society that establishes that the closest two people can be, the greatest intimacy they can share, the ultimate declaration of love is to live in a monogamous amorous relationship, is it any wonder that John felt he could only believe in their relationship if they were together like that? Is it any wonder that he would doubt Paul’s affections because Paul apparently wasn’t willing to express them like that? 

JOHN: It’s a plus, it’s not a minus. The plus is that your best friend, also, can hold you without… I mean, I’m not a homosexual, or we could have had a homosexual relationship and maybe that would have satisfied it, with working with other male artists. [faltering] An artist – it’s more – it’s much better to be working with another artist of the same energy, and that’s why there’s always been Beatles or Marx Brothers or men, together. Because it’s alright for them to work together or whatever it is. It’s the same except that we sleep together, you know? I mean, not counting love and all the things on the side, just as a working relationship with her, it has all the benefits of working with another male artist and all the joint inspiration, and then we can hold hands too, right?

SHEVEY: But Yoko is a very independent person. Isn’t it— [inaudible]

JOHN: Sure, and so were the men I worked with. The only difference is she’s female.

SHEVEY: But you didn’t find it difficult to make that transition?

JOHN: Oh yeah. I mean, it took me four years. I’m still not – I’m still only coming through it, you know.

— Interview with Sandra Shevey (June 1972).

I know I keep posting this quote, but I don’t think he can make it more obvious than that: it’s not about the sex. Or rather, the sex is not the primary thing. 

He didn’t push all those years because he was uncontrollably horny for Paul. John just wants a physical manifestation, a more tangible “proof”, of his emotional connections. He wants to be able to hold hands, be held and perhaps also have sex with his best friend; he needs those proofs of love through the means of physical affection because he won’t believe Paul’s love for him is there otherwise (or that it’s as great as John’s).

Would society normalizing other kinds of relationships – such as friendships – to be as important or on the same level as amorous (romantic/sexual) ones, have helped John and Paul? Most likely. 

Would society normalizing same-sex amorous relationships have helped John and Paul? Perhaps. (For this one we would have to look more closely at Paul’s needs and desires.)

All this to say that John’s idea of sexuality was extremely influenced by society, and in his case, the rule “amorous relationships are the normative ones” outweighed the “heterosexual relationships are the normative ones”. 

The conflict occurred when from Paul’s perspective, the priority of the rules was the other way around. I think Paul was ready to ignore society’s norm and live his life with his friendship with John as the most important relationship. But he also wanted a heterosexual one. (But more on that on a post of its own.)

For now, I hope I have more or less managed to express my thoughts on the matter of John’s sexuality. 

Thank you so much for reading through all that and for reaching out in the first place! I truly appreciate it!

[bngtanah]

I’m (not) With The Band. | o2

summary: Adrienne is an indie producer who is hired to help co-produce BTS’ next album alongside their resident producer; Suga. Despite the initial opposition on both ends, the pair spend time together, share a few stories, dreams and aspirations and begin to hit it off really well. Wrapped up in the whirlwind of late nights and heated disagreements and reconciliations, Min Yoongi and Adrienne Rolle find themselves growing closer and closer. One night they decide to cross the barrier between personal and professional and do their best make a relationship work against all odds.

pairing: Min Yoongi  x Named OC

word count: 2.2k genre: drama, romance, smut(eventually)

chapters: prologue| o1| o2| o3| o4| o5| o6| o7| o8| o9| 10| 11|

warning: light angst, smut, fluff, workplace relationship, slow burn, sexual themes, ambw, enemies to friends to lovers, developing relationship

a/n: still a fool. still re-uploading.

Adrienne had never been a shy person.

She was always the first to volunteer for school presentations even if she hated the class, she made it her duty to be friends with every single one of her lab partners in science class whether they wanted that friendship or not and she was always ready and willing to offer her opinion when questioned on just about anything.

But it seemed that being in a new country, thousands of miles from home had given her personality somewhat of a timid edge since she was currently surrounded by six energetic and talkative boys and Adrienne couldn't think of words to answer their nonstop questions. The language barrier could excuse some of her silence since she honestly didn't understand a lot of their questions, but for the things she did understand Adrienne couldn't stop herself from looking like a fish out of water; her mouth gaping open then closing quickly when she lost her train of thought.

"Where are you from?" "How old are you?" "Are you older than me?" "Should I call you noona?" "Can you give me a big part in our title track?"

The questions kept coming and Adrienne could barely keep up when a stern voice from the front of the van finally calmed the storm of inquisitive young voices.

"Calm down, kids. At least let her answer before you start asking another question." 

Adrienne sighed a short breath of relief when she was finally able to hear herself think and offered the lanky boy in the passenger seat  a small smile of gratitude.

"Okay, I want to answer all your questions. But I have a few of my own first" She said as she rested the notebooks she'd been clutching tightly against her chest onto her lap. "Well, questions and one request."

"First, I don't speak Korean that well so try to talk slowly because I didn't understand half of what you guys just said." Adrienne chuckled and looked around at the smiling and curious faces of the boys who were still facing her.

"Second, I want to make sure I have everyone's name right so I know who I'm talking to, -Jin?" Adrienne asked and pointed to the boy seated to her left a row ahead who nodded and Adrienne smiled, feeling accomplished.

"J-hope?" She asked of the next member who immediately replied yes and shot her a love bullet which Adrienne pretended to get hit by before laughing and sitting up straight again. "Would you mind if I just called you by your real name?"

"Yes, that's okay" he nodded quickly with a surprised grin.

"Okay, Hoseok. It's locked in."

She moved on to the person with the deep voice who had complimented her hair. Andy didn't quite recognize his face since in the performance videos she studied they all had different hair colors than they currently did. The only reason she managed to remember Suga's name without doubting herself was because she forced herself to, knowing that he would be the one she would most likely be talking to the most. Adrienne was still riding high on the confidence of getting the first two name's correct however so she assumed she would his name right as well. "...Jungkook?" her confidence was shot down when he didn't smile and the other boys began laughing at her mistake.

"I'm Kim Ta- Taehyung Kim" He replied in English, which surprised Adrienne to much for her to remain embarrassed.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry" Adrienne apologised quickly "Tae..hyung...V?"

He nodded and offered her a wide and boxy grin which Adrienne couldn't help but replicate, it was infectious.

"I hope you're Jungkook," She said to the next member and instead of smiling and agreeing with her like Adrienne was so sure he would his youthful features fell into something like a glare and the young boy shook his head from side to side gravely. Adrienne felt her eyes open widely and her hands flew to her cover her face in embarrassment, she was never particularly great with names but she was pretty confident that she recognized his face.

"Yah, Jungkook. Don't be like this" The member seated in the same row as Adrienne, on the other side of Yoongi spoke up.

When Adrienne peeled her hands away from her eyes and looked forward again she could see the mischievous smile budding on "Not-Jungkook's" lips before he collapsed into a fit of laughter which made Adrienne gasp when she realised that he was only kidding.

"Oh that's not funny" She replied even though she started laughing right along with him.

"We are going to have problems aren't we?" Adrienne said to Jungkook who replied with a playful quirk of his eyebrow before Jin and Taehyung shouted something about him being greasy.

Adrienne turned to her side and glanced down at the member she'd already spoken to, "I've met Suga," she muttered to the body on her side, he wasn't moving but Adrienne could tell that he wasn't really asleep. Looking up, she prepared to guess the next name but he was already speaking and offering his hand for her to shake before Andy could say anything.

"I'm Jimin" He said with warm and inviting smile "Please take good care of us." 

Adrienne accepted his handshake and found herself staring at his smile for longer than she would consider appropriate.

"Now who's being greasy?" She heard Jungkook chuckle in a murmur and that made her snap back to attention and stop shaking Jimin's hand like an idiot.

"Okay so that just leaves, Rap Monster?" The boy at the front of the minibus nodded and turned slightly to wave in Adrienne's direction "You can call me Namjoon if you want" He replied, also in English which made Adrienne knit her eyebrows together. 

"How many of you speak English?"

Namjoon laughed, making the deep dimples in his cheeks sink even deeper "Just me. V knows some English but he doesn't practice enough."

Taehyung nodded and looked at Adrienne "It's true."

Andy laughed and pulled the ends of her braids over her right shoulder "This is so great, I thought I would be lost the entire time but you speak English! You can help me! This is really really great" Adrienne rambled, her mood noticeably less subdued than when she first stepped into the vehicle.

"If you need to translate anything I'll try to help as much as I can" Namjoon reassured her.

"Good, my tutor says that I shouldn't speak English if I know how to say what I want to say in Korean so I'll try not to use you as a crutch."

"I wouldn't mind."

Adrienne grinned, holding Namjoon's gaze for a moment before glancing down at her lap while the rest of the members simply looked on with confusion. Well, all except V who could make out some of their conversation.

"I actually wanted to talk to someone about a few ideas I had in mind for your next album" Adrienne started, switching back to her cautious and slow Korean "But I'm not sure my co-producer is up for a conversation right now." She said underneath her breath and looked to her side at Yoongi who remained bundled up and still.

"Yeah, you don't want to wake him up. He didn't really sleep last night." Jin said gently as he joined Adrienne in looking down at Yoongi.

"I don't think he's sleeping, though" Adrienne answered back and leaned down to examine his face more closely.

"How can anyone sleep with all this goddamn noise?" Yoongi protested, loudly, from beneath his hood.

Adrienne jumped back and placed a hand on her heart, the sudden sound of his voice when she got closer to him nearly scared her to death.

"I knew it" She whispered once her heart rate had settled, his sudden outburst confirmed Adrienne's suspicions of him being awake. "Sorry about the noise" Adrienne stated in Yoongi's direction but he only shook his head and removed the hood covering his eyes.

He was never going to attain the amount of rest he was chasing so there wasn't any point in pretending that he could.

The group rode out the rest of the commute in relative silence, Adrienne taking the time to make conversation with the younger members while the older ones seemed to be involved in their own forms distraction or trying to rest their eyes. It took them nearly an hour to reach their destination and once the van halted to a stop everyone immediately began pouring out the van leaving Adrienne confused and stuck in her seat.

"Uh, do I need to get out too?" She called out to Yoongi since he was the last to exit the van and closest to her seat.

Yoongi pulled an earbud out of his ear and turned back to face her as if he'd forgotten she was still sitting down and hadn't joined the rest of the group when they got out.

"Yes, you need to get out of the van" He replied bluntly and watched as she gathered up her belongings and soon joined him on the pavement. They both began walking quickly to catch up with the rest of the boys who were already inside the building.

"Someone should have said something," and by someone she meant Yoongi but that didn't need to be clarified.

"It's kind of obvious isn't it?"

"Not really, I'm not being interviewed why would I need to get out of the van?"

Yoongi discreetly rolled his eyes by pressing his palm to his forehead for a few seconds before he began speaking again. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid today; having to explain how and when to do everything on their tight schedule.

"When you're with us, you do what we do," he said after a moment's hesitation, turning his head to look Adrienne full on.

"Okay, that makes sense. That wasn't so hard to explain was it?"

Adrienne smiled as she teased him and Yoongi took the time to secretly appreciate how easily her wide off-centre grin seemed to spread across her lips and illuminate her entire face. She reminded him of Jimin in that way, both of them possessed those kinds of expressions. Smiles that honestly looked painful to be so broad and enticing resting on someone's face.

"Suga-ssi!"

His name was being called and Yoongi stopped leering just long enough to notice that his members were already in the process of being seated, leaving him the odd one out.

"Find a seat," He said to Adrienne quickly before scurrying toward where the rest of BTS was seated.

Adrienne nodded and slowly turned to find somewhere to sit down and occupy herself until they were done with their interview. The rest of the staff that had walked in with them seemed to be gathering around a  certain table do Adrienne joined them here, offering everyone she recognised a small greeting before she pushed a pair of earbuds in her ears and silently turned to an empty page in her notebook and began scribbling music notes and lyrics over the page.

Listening to the different tones in all of them members voices when they spoke had given her a few ideas for something new. Every so often Adrienne would look up while the boys spoke, laughing at the silly answers to the interviewers questions or to watch them demonstrate a dance move or song lyric from their current album. She would smirk and make faces whenever she caught one of them looking in her direction, she caught Namjoon the most and one of the faces she made nearly made him laugh out loud while Jimin was answering a question.

Truthfully, she only caught Namjoon the most because her eyes tended to gravitate toward him whenever she looked up. If Adrienne had been paying close attention she would have noticed that Yoongi's eyes rarely left her when he wasn't being addressed or answering something. Initially, he just wondered what she was writing down but as the interview wore on and Yoongi became more uninterested in repeating the same answers to the same kinds of questions he began staring at her just to have something appealing to look at. The way Adrienne bit down on the end of her pen cap when she seemed to be stuck on something, and the wrinkle that would form in her forehead when she reread something she wrote down only to realise it made no sense was all, dare he think it? 

Cute.

The interview finished about an hour after they began and as everyone got up and prepared to leave their manager was informing them that the photo shoot they had scheduled next was cancelled due to the photographer injuring himself. Instead, they would all be returning to the studio so that they could get in a few extra hours of practice.

Adrienne pumped her fist silently to herself because she knew that meant that she would finally be able to get some of the music out of her head before she went crazy.

"He said we're going back to the studio right?" Adrienne asked Namjoon when she stood up to join the group walking outside. Namjoon nodded and repeated the manager's message in English for Adrienne who nodded and struck up a conversation with him on their way back to the van, leaving Yoongi to continue silently gazing from behind them.

[lwtis]

so i have a problem with fics where i know how it's supposed to start and end, but then when i fill in the middle i get kind of confused on how to set the pieces the way it is (and i would say i'd adlib it and if the ending changes, they that's fine but i'm writing a mystery/whodunnit fic) and then the outline becomes messier timeline wise, where i'd get certain scenes that i can see but i don't know how to pace it well within the middle. do you have any advice for this conundrum? thank you!!

Hey Anon! Thank you so much for the ask!

First of all, congratulations on figuring out the beginning and the end! That shit is hard!! With mystery and plot-heavy stories, my main advice for plotting/outlines would be: Keep It As Simple As Possible. Like, stupidly simple and basic at first. 

I’m a big fan of drawing/writing things out on paper, and then typing it all up - helps me visualise things a bit better. Obviously, it’s different for everyone, but I would recommend trying it!

So get a piece of paper and draw up a timeline - with START and END. Write down every plot point that you already have in your head, as simply as possible. So, maybe something like:

START: 

Event happens that kickstarts the plot

Introduction of Character A, who is assigned to solve the case/who decides to solve the case because of (x) reasons. 

Character A travels to (x) location. On the way, he remembers an event that shaped his personality in a big way. He arrives to location feeling anxious and ready to punch someone.  

Then same with the plot points/story beats you have already decided on - like, when things are going to get revealed, when plot twists happen, when certain character interactions happen, ect. Break down everything in your head to the simplest, most basic statement and note them down until you get to the end. This way, you can see what parts need to be worked on better too. 

It could look something like this, maybe? (With way more detail, obviously)

Post-It notes and different coloured pens are freaking awesome at this stage.

So at the end of it, you should have a detailed ‘skeleton’ of your plot - which will hopefully make it easier to navigate when you’re figuring out the details!

On the matter of pacing, I think an important thing to pay attention to is SET UP and PAY-OFF. 

Mystery stories are fun to read because they’re a big puzzle, right? So for every plot twist or reveal, you should have a hint somewhere earlier in the story for it.

You can work backwards too - for example, if the murderer used his expert skills with poisons, you could mention their very relevant degree earlier in the story. Or if the culprit is a master manipulator, maybe characters could reminisce about how amazing they always were at tabletop games where you had to lie. 

Traditionally speaking, most of the set-ups could be in the first half of the story, and the pay-offs are in the latter half of the story. I would suggest drawing another graph to see where they are, so you can see how it looks.   

Another tip I find helpful is that every scene should serve SOME sort of purpose - to move the story along, for characters to develop, for relationships to change, for the audience to learn something new ect. 

Basically, A THING has to happen.

So if you’re stuck, maybe try examining a chapter that you think worked really well and flowed nicely. 

How many THINGS happened? 

Try and break it down, like - two ‘plot moves forwards’ THINGS, two ‘character’ THINGS, one ‘relationship’ THING, one ‘mood building’ THING, ect. That could serve as a good guide/template for when certain chapters are not flowing well and are giving you trouble.  

Lastly - if things really just refuse to work out, put it down and walk away. Sometimes, all you need is a good night’s sleep or a few days’ break. Or a shower. A lot of good solutions come in the shower. 

Oh, and of course - consume lots of different media! Mystery stories, films and if you’re into that kind of thing, video games! Visual novels have a really interesting and effective way of feeding you information and leading you to the conclusion. The Ace Attorney and Dangan Ronpa series are the first to come to mind, but there are loads more. 

I sincerely hope this was somewhat understandable? I hope I didn’t misunderstand your ask completely - let me know if you want me to clarify anything! Best of luck with your story - I hope you have fun writing it! <3 

[1-800-444-tune]

Open for Tarot Readings and Astrology/Numerology Reports

If you still care about my little Tarotscopes Shop you can show your support by donating any amount larger than 4$ CDN today and during this week as appreciation for my daily, weekly, and monthly Tarotscape's Visions of Fortune and Fate Readings I post for free every day. I will also consider doing my super scary-accurate astrology reports for the zodiacs, I will write weekly and daily horoscopes for every sign if I get my goal marker by the middle of the week!;🔔So Please Donate! 🔮 I am starting to get back into my old style Readings of runes and I CHING Readings, and also the infamous Chakra Readings! I am providing my full time 24hrs a day full services for the rest of this week , starting right after this post. So if you want in on this action and want an actual personal reading of any type, I offer....

3 Card Tarot Readings of the general : past/present/future predictions

Other 3 card Readings that I choose to do will be discussed between us

2 card Readings for yes/no choices you want or need to make in your life

There are other 2 Card Readings that I do, however I will not list them here, well talk about it beforehand in the booking of the appointment conversation

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Celtic Cross Reading - gives more clarity to an idea or situation you bring to me

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There's so so so many more decks that offer such to great wisdom and great wealths of real true knowledge about our lives but I am not going to ramble on about them all here today, this is enough I explained the best most important ones, in my opinion. So, give me a chance to share this wonderful news of guidance that you will truly find so useful in your life. There's no way you will be let down, there's just no way. I am too good at my craft, what I do is just, k, people cannot thank me enough and you'll, be shocked!

Galaxy Spiral Spread is six cards that's 6cards at $3.00 a card, or if you get this reading plus the angelic guidance I'll put them together for just $11.00

I have a few spreads that I use for Realationships , but the standard one is a 7card reading that tells you just how your partner feels, and what they think , and their intentions too!

Bonus feature for the next two months only/I started doing the Valentine Spread it's a featured reading that will tell you the ins and outs of your relationship, it carefully lists your roles and your participation as a partner and then it says something else I think it's will this relationship work out or something, like the outcome, and it does the same for your lover it lists his roles and advice for him to fix things and what he does in the relationship, It's bugging me cause I forget the other details currently and do not have my book, sorry .

Then for Relationships I also read their energy their spiritual realm guides and read the advice from yoyr partners, also spirit guides, that's another thing I can do that's just so great!!

I can tell you your Spirit Animal Guides and the message they being to you, everybody has over 50 Animal Guides but I will likely pick up just on the most potent ones spiritually apparent to me. I give usually 3 Guide Animal Cards and you do not have to stop there because there's so many more that the oracle will tell me about and alert my attention to, my intuition is key, I trust it like family, yo

Spiritual Realm Messenger Advice Reading- and Spirit Guide Wisdom- this is for your usually, loved ones who have passed on and they're always always trying so very hard to reach out to you, so this is a chance fir you to actually communicate with the deceaxsed for once and finally get a chance to see what they're saying and thinking about your life choices, this reading can also be done for just simple spirits that have chosen to be your guides or to communicate with your actual Guardian Angels, yes I am for real!

Which brings me to this point that I can actually give specific guidance that's from the real #Archangel Michael, if you're really having a hard time or ever thought about what if the angels forgot about me type thing, then this is a reading just for you to lift up your spirits and give you that much needed appreciation and love that you alot of you anyways so often craves, I suggest this reading strongly!

Chakra Readings, these are simply great examinations for your heart mind body and soul , I pick up on your total vibe of yoyr energy centres and points on you and this reading can reveal some major insights as to where you could have blockages and also too gives the remedy, just what you need to do to fix it. This is so intense if you're into the healing arts yourself and are ready to finally level up, or maybe you're someone who's into spirituality or trying to astral project or maybe open your third eye? This Readings for you most definitely if you answered yes to any of those , please seek my help.

Shooting Arrow Spreads, these are just for special dates like New Years, Birthdays, Marriages, Starting a job, Anniversary events of any kind, Traditional or Seasonal Celebrations, I use this one for the Moon Phases, I do one for New Moon and one for Full Moon, you might also be wanting this in general for actually I just thought of this but the 1st of the month, to predict the motivational energies surrounding the coming months like, or at any other important marking dates you associate with movement forward .

6 card Week Spread, to predict your future fir the week ahead, this is a wonderful tool to use to plan your week around these pointers and also to just remember the times that a certain something is going to occur, so you can dodge it or embrace it depending on the event or situation!

Horseshoe Spread - will depict the themes of a signifior and their motives and how their belief systems affect their future at least help to shape the outcome

What Should I Do ? Spread. 3 cards. Tells exactly the situation you are dealing with in the top card then the two on the bottom are your What Not To Do and What to Do cards in the spread, the actual best best for making tough decisions or if your in a position and you just feel like you're really stuck at the moment this spread will absolutely clarify the issue and give you peace of mind n knowing that you have finally got the correct answer now all you have to do is apply your advice you ever been given right? Not so bad after all, see.

This decision/That Decision, when you're at a fork in the road, you know your two options but aren't sure which one is the correct one😇have no fear, my dears, because this is the spread right here! It tells exactly the outcome if you pick say option A. And the outcome if you pick then option B, or I can say #1 option or #2option, and gives you yoyr results and then based on that you can then choose which path you feel you'd like to see your life head in, if you still aren't sure which isn't likely, then we could possibly do it either again or do another spread I'd say to clarify and boost your confidence in one of the options, I have ever got so many more spreads that are not listed here and I just do them if we need to, I just giving you all something genre to choose from , the basics to my self healing art and just my ways of tarotcraft okay, so check these out carefully and try decide what in your life you really need most , and you just don't worry about my end I'm all covered always, and truly won't be a disappointment to you, if anything you'll become a weekly of daily customer I think, after u see what I can provide.

The Big Story Spread- tells you of many different areas in your life, it's by far the largest spread that I really do most often, and it's the most comprehensive.

Houses of Astrology Spread, tells you some insight into some different areas of your life using the 12 houses of astrology. This is one of my faves!

Then I have a few other love and relationship spreads of which, one is for a Broken Heart, one for the Compatibility of a Couple, General Relationships Spread, Readiness for Love, and the Torn Between Lovers Spread, alot more but I'd have to talk about the issue with you first to a session whether they're what you need, so hit me up for love advice and just look into the future of love

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And of course I do dream interpretations , I have a 3 card spread that I love doing that directs your entire dream it tells you what it truly means in your waking life

Then we can discuss if you want some other specialty spreads that I offer we can chat about this one okay I'm stopping the list shortly right after I explain, that everyone abopsolutely must get

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There's my fairy oracle deck which I find I'm most connected to, I saved best for last, well, I can basically do all of these spreads with them oracle cards giving the fae wisdom definitions but I simply like to stock to the 2 or 3 card Readings for these oracle cards, this deck is temperamental, it doesn't like to be pressured, but it works well l on shorter answered things I find, just it's personality haha

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You can choose absolutely any reading from this list that you'd like me to do or if you've found one online that you like then tell me the detailing of it the how-to and maybe provide a screenshotting of one and it's questions, then I will do my best to provide you with that exact service then! See, I'm so not hard to get along with, I of love and light, I am here to just assist people and get them through tough times! You're top priority and my problems are not even in my mind when I giving a paid reading I do my job and do it very very well, there's absolutely noo way that you'll want to say you didn't get your money's worth, I totally worth this! I have been doing reading in tarot fir ten years so I think I am actually just a bit experienced yup, so come on down, don't be shy, tel me all about your issue and the type of reading you'd like and we will get to it and give you some damn answers yeah?