#i'm kind of realizing how extremely patient i've been for the last year with an incredible amount of bullshit and 🧍🏻i need to move

[californiaquail]

i don't consider myself an angry person by and large but few things make me angrier than people intentionally doing or not doing things that could result in harm to everyone around them just because they don't like being told what to do. we live in a society fr get the fuck over yourself and your idiotic 12 year old selfish ass mindset.

[laundrybiscuits]

I've recently been tagged in a few WIP/"last thing you've written" type games, and…to be completely candid, I haven't been writing any kind of fic lately because I've become a little bit obsessed with analyzing the Broadway revival of Merrily We Roll Along.

Not for any particular purpose, I just saw it at the Hudson a little while back and have a lot of feelings about it! In my tiny scraps of spare time, I've been working on an essay about Merrily and inevitability that will probably end up rotting in my google docs*, because that's how I approach writing as a hobby.

There's just so much there, holy shit. I'm focusing particularly on "Franklin Shepard, Inc." because Radcliffe's Charley brings a frenetic, desperate vulnerability to the performance that reads so, so differently from earlier productions. Throughout the show, I was consistently blown away by the heavy lifting Radcliffe, Mendez, and Groff do in shifting the core tension from "art vs commerce" (fine but basic, and difficult to keep modern) to "how people prioritize different types of relationships in their lives."

In an effort to make this slightly less wildly off-topic for this blog: this has gotten me thinking about the way that platonic relationships are treated in narratives, particularly but not exclusively in fandom.

"Found family" is and has always been a popular trope, but I do think its current incarnation trades a lot on the underlying fantasy of relationship permanence. When we recategorize friendships as familial relationships, we're making a claim—whether or not it's justified—about the indelibility of those relationships.

That's not inherently bad (or, god forbid, problematic). I think it's very very natural, especially for those who don't necessarily have a lot of experience with the way adult friendships change over time. Why wouldn't you want something as precious and unique and amazing as a good friendship to stay with you forever?

Certain people can feel like pillars of your world, and it's fucking terrifying to think about that being yanked out from under you—or even worse, to think about your lives slowly shifting like geologic plates until suddenly you realize it's been weeks, then months, then years since you last really talked.

CHARLEY: We're not that kind of close any more, the way we used to be. And a friendship's like a garden. You have to water it and tend it and care about it. And you know what? I want it back.

It's a peculiar, particular kind of grief when it happens, because even though it's a fairly common human experience, it doesn't get socially acknowledged in the same way as e.g. a romantic breakup.

So yeah, it makes a lot of sense that found family is a popular trope in all kinds of media, not just fandom.

However...at this point, I've developed a knee-jerk wariness to the phrase "found family," because I've found it often correlates with a really flat, simplistic depiction of human relationships. In extreme cases, it simply recontextualizes a relationship within the socially acknowledged/acceptable framework of a stereotypical family unit.

This does a disservice to familial and nonfamilial relationships alike. Every family is different, so why do so many found families in media look the same?

(I was monologuing about this to my very patient girlfriend, and she pointed out that this also sets up a success/failure binary condition in relationships, where permanence is the arbiter of success in both romantic and nonromantic contexts. She is of course both beautiful and correct!)

I have friends with whom I can sometimes share a glance and know exactly what they're thinking. I even have a running joke with one friend about the sheer number of times we've said the same thing in unison over the last 15 years. I still need to be intentional about building those relationships, extending empathy when we differ, and carving out time to reconnect. Truly intimate long-term relationships of any kind involve disagreements, conflicting priorities, and negotiating and renegotiating boundaries.

Being "basically the same person" or "sharing a braincell" actually sounds super fucking lonely to me, personally, and it handily elides the difficult, essential process of keeping people in your life.

FRANK: Old friends let you go your own way. CHARLEY: Help you find your own way. MARY: Let you off when you're wrong. F: If you're wrong. C: When you're wrong. M: Right or wrong, the point is, old friends shouldn't care if you're wrong. F: Should, but not for too long. C: What's too long?

That's a more complicated and much more mature narrative to tell than "friendship will save the day!" Because it's not that common and there's not a deep bank of references to draw from, it takes a lot of effort and skill to depict well, and I don't blame creators for not wanting to let it suck up all the air in the room. However, I think it's important to acknowledge that platonic relationships can also be flanderised and flattened.

In the context of fandom, which has always traded heavily in Romance genre conventions, I would really like to see more thoughtful explorations of complicated nonromantic relationships. I'm not even talking about genfic here! I've actually been thinking about Stobin specifically because that relationship (rightly & understandably) tends to show up in any Steve-centric fic, including the vast ocean of Steddie fics, so it makes the issue slightly more visible than I've seen in other fandoms.

I'm not saying I want to see them fight, or not be friends, or not love each other fiercely and near-obsessively in the way that lonely teenagers can. I'm just saying I want them to be distinct individuals who view the world in very different ways, and choose each other anyway. They already have a complicated past; I know from personal experience that it's possible as a lesbian to be best friends with a guy who once made a little speech about how into you he was, but that little layer of history never quite goes away.

I don't want frictionless relationships in my life. I want people who will challenge me and whom I can challenge, in the context of love and trust. I want people in my life whom I have to work to understand, because my life is richer when I do. And sometimes, I want narratives that will reflect the grief of friendships that are no longer part of my life, despite the best efforts of everyone involved.

In Merrily, Charley sings, "Friendship's something you don't really lose—" but Radcliffe's thready, pleading delivery makes it all too clear: Charley already knows he's lying. The audience just needs to catch up.

*Other essays in that particular graveyard: understanding the cast of Peanuts through the lens of anomie, humor and subversive linguistic nationalism in 00s Singaporean TV, how to fix Miss Saigon. WHY am I this way.

[viperwhispered]

I don't know about you but I'm a huge fan of the "mage x tank" dynamic. Why? Because it can be combined with this!

Which is why I am here to declare that Jamil should have a buff s/o. And when I say buff, I mean strong enough to princess carry him and break the spine of anyone who dares harm him.

Picture Jamil, exhausted and overworked, being picked up like a potato sack and carried off the bed.

Of course this can't be a dumb himbo situation. Jamil aint really the type for airheads, not after years of trauma from Kalim. I mean someone who's crafty enough to keep Jamil on his toes and also strong enough to break bones. Best part being that the s/o is genuinely good person who prefers to talk things over only to go absolutely berserk when things involve Jamil.

The best part of this dynamic would be people assuming the s/o is more of a "pet" to Jamil than an equal. After all, they're calm, crafty, and tend to serve more as his conscience rather than go in guns blazing. That is until anyone dares become a legitimate threat to him. Then heads start rolling.

Oh imagine those poor innocent fools daring to insult the s/o, not realizing that Jamil is just as devoted and will pay them back 100 times. Either by poisoning, cursing, or manipulating them into ruining their lives.

GOD! Just this dynamic of both being extremely dangerous in very different ways but still equally as obsessed with each other is just *screams into pillow*

Brings me back to my OB!Jamil being a total malewife hot take. Picture this badass evil power couple being so mutually obsessed and in love with each other that they would bring an end to the world for one another.

Also the power trip Jamil gets cause this s/o could easily crush his head between their thighs and yet they still prefer bottoming.

Hasdfgh I first saw this just before going to bed and it gave me immediate brainworms (in a good way).

There's just so many juicy bits here. 

That post you linked? Yes, I've seen that before, and the way you describe this situation I could see it being applied both ways between these two (and both of them getting just as huffy about their partner being referred in such a manner while also yes absolutely ready to wreck havoc for each other)

Exhausted Jamil being picked up like a potato sack… Oh what an image. I love it. (Also the thought of him letting s/o do that without protest, either because he's too tired to even keep up appearances, or is willing to let them do that for him and be vulnerable himself…)

One of my “maybe I'll write this one day” fic thoughts involves a generally kind/patient reader getting all protectively angry over what Jamil's been gone through (it might or might not be a thinly veiled self-insert in disguise) and your ideas of the s/o losing their mind over threats to Jamil definitely resonate (am I the sort who always tries to see the best in people but is ready to fight anyone who hurts someone close to me? absolutely)

Evil power couple yes yes yes gimme (the corruption arc fully realized perhaps? Or just Jamil finding out just how far s/o is willing to for someone they care about (which probably would be a different kind of power trip for him - figuring out just what sort of lengths his s/o is willing to go to for him. He just might ascend being someone’s number one priority like that))

And that last line… Oh boy. There's so much to think about there and it's definitely not making me think of Jamil's head between my thighs not at all.

So basically yes to all this. Mind if I borrow that pillow for a moment?

Truly your mind with all these scenarios.

[timesnewnoir]

no love, however brief, is wasted

i can proudly say that i have filled up 1 drawing per month template this year and 6 of them are colored per last year's goal!!

(template by ssmt_turb)

this year has been a really overwhelming year for me in terms of drawing as my hobby. there's a lot of things that i never experience before prior to this year. i feel like i've been extremely productive and i've been learning extremely fast this year. looking back at it, i do feel like all of this might be happening way too fast. i've never really experience things like this before, so much growth in such a short time. the fauna brain rot is too real (tm). i could never imagined being so so so inspired by just 1 person. here's a toast for fauna and asagi-sensei. i couldn't have done this without having you both as my oshi and muse and inspiration.

to be honest, i still don't know what to make of all this. sometimes i feel proud about it, but most times i feel burdened by it. i'm still trying to find what i should feel about all this and how to deal with it. but i guess that's my problem for next year. i think for the first time in my life i realize a lot of things i previously didn't realize. maybe i do yearn to go back to how it was, when i lived in blissful ignorance. but alas, it is what it is.

but anyway, i think i still want to go back to my roots. i love drawing and i enjoy creating. i would never call myself an artist tho, but i love to draw still. i love the joy of creating and every single step of it. the best part of drawing is when i fill the space with repeated lines, that's the most fun part and i would do it over and over again.

it wouldn't be as fun however, without people to share it with. and i don't want to lose that, ever. there are times when i cried because i realize despite me being like this, people still interact with me. i cried and cried and cried maybe days i cried like this. thank you everyone for being patient with me, for teaching me how to improve in doing one of the things that still make my life worth living for.

and of course, of course, thank you for sharing this journey with me. thank you for fauna, my oshi, i genuinely never thought i would reach this far!!!!!!! for all my friends, mutuals and strangers i met along the way, thank you for letting me share my creation with you. thank you for being so incredibly kind and accepting about it. thank you for giving me a chance to show my ideas and fan arts. without someone to share my work with, i will feel incredibly empty.

i hope i never forget the joy of crafting and sharing and be who I am regardless of everything.

cheers, and may 2024 be kind to all of you.

[bevswashere]

Koi No Yokan

Chapter 7: A Family Dinner

August 2005 Over one month later.

I pull back the threading from the orange, placing it in a pile with its peel. Then I spin the orange again, carefully observing for any leftover threads. Pull, pile. Pull, pile. When I split it apart, I scan the insides.

"Kaede-chan." 

I look up. They're all staring at me. "What?"

"You've been peeling that orange for half an hour," Nanami says.

I hadn't realized I was being so meticulous. "My little sister hates the strings, so I usually take them off... Odd habit, I guess." 

"Your sister's a picky eater?" Haibara asks. 

"Like you wouldn't believe," I say, continuing to pull threads from the inside of the orange. "She doesn't like anything spicy or too salty. She hates eggs, cucumbers, onions, celery, cheese, mushrooms, tomatoes, most sauces. Oh, and she can't have fruit unless all the skin and seeds are removed." 

"My sister is kind of similar," Haibara says, "Not that extreme, though. I think she can eat oranges with the strings." 

"Lucky you."

"Ugh, thank God I don't have siblings," Mariko sets down her magazine to express. "I only have to worry about my mouth to feed."

"What if you have kids?" Haibara asks.

"They'll eat what I feed them." 

"And if they don't like it?" I pose.

"They'll deal with it."

"I think you'll be more difficult than your picky kids, Mariko-chan," Haibara says. "Your future husband will have to have a lot of patience."

"I'm worth being patient for."

He smiles. "Right." 

Pull, pile. "Do you have siblings, Nanami?" 

"An older brother." He didn't seem to be very glad about it. "He's off in Manila, helping the Jujutsu there." 

"Manila. How cool!" Mariko says. "I wonder if we'll ever get sent overseas." 

"I want to be sent to Europe," Haibara says. "I've always wanted to go there."

"I doubt being sent overseas would be much of a vacation," Nanami says. "With all the curses and such."

No one has anything more to say after that, so Haibara redirects the conversation, "Kaede, don't you have a brother too?"

I nod. "Tomiji. He's ten years old." 

"What's he like?"

"He's pretty sharp for his age." Pull, pile, pull. "He likes biking and playing outside, but he's also a little clumsy which isn't a great combination." 

"He sounds cute," Mariko coos. "Why didn't he come with your sister to drop you off?"

"He gets a little nervous about leaving the estate."

"Is he scared of running into a curse?"

"I think he's scared in general."

The largest disruption possible interrupts our conversation. "Kaede-chaaaaaann!" 

Satoru barges into the room, planting himself in the seat next to me. I put half the orange in his hand. "Pack your bags," he says. 

"For what?" 

Excitedly, he pops an orange slice into his mouth. "We were just approved for vacation time!" 

"I thought there's an hour requirement to earn that."

"There is, but between all the curses we've exorcised, and the four days you spent lost with Suguru, we have enough for a weeklong vacation." 

Had we really been working that hard these past few months? It all feels like a blur now. "I'm assuming you made the requests." 

"You don't have to say it. I know I'm the best." 

"I wasn't going to say that." 

"This is great, Kaede-chan," Mariko says. "You can go home and see your family."

I smile, but it's weak. 

Nanami sets his book down. "You're not excited?" 

"No, no I am." I can't say I'm trying to convince them or myself. "Only the estate can get a little suffocating. Monotonous." 

The last thing I had wanted was to be separated from my family. I came here convinced that I would hate every second of it, eager to return home at the first chance I received. Now, I hesitate, scared that this new life I've been given will be taken away. 

"You'll see your siblings, though," Haibara says. "Weren't you just saying you miss them?" 

"Of course I do, but with them comes the package deal of all the other Uematsu. Especially my dad and whatever higher up he's convinced to have dinner with the family, so he can brag the whole night and parade me like an—" I stop myself. The bitter things I've so carelessly said about my father to people he's never even met. I'm ashamed. 

"I've got it!" Satoru finishes his last orange slice. "You should come with me." 

"Come with you where?" 

"You can take your vacation with me. We have an island near Okinawa. There's only housing staff, nobody else would bother us." 

"A week away on a private island," Mariko whistles. "Wonder what you two will be doing." 

I can't place what's funny, but she and Haibara are laughing. "I would, but my siblings." 

"Bring them too!" 

It's an utterly ridiculous idea. Yet, it could work. Nobody stands in the way of taking Momo and Tomiji out of the estate for a little while. Tomiji might fuss, but he'll get over it. The only bartering to be done would be convincing my dad to let me go. He won't be pleased to hear my free time won't be spent on his personal agenda, but he might give in if I point out that this will be time spent with the Gojo clan—a singular member of the Gojo clan, but the Gojo clan nonetheless. 

I say, "Okay," and can see Satoru is overcome with excitement, but I pull him back to a reality for a moment, "How would you feel about having dinner with my dad?" 

His face falls. "What?" 

∞

"Please be nice."

"When am I ever not nice?" 

Bringing Satoru into the estate has already drawn an absurd amount of attention. Part of him seems to enjoy it, though, to know everyone is staring. 

"Sometimes," I tread carefully, "You say the first thing that comes to mind, but it's not always appropriate." 

"Appropriate doesn't always mean true." 

"Yes, but tonight isn't about being correct, it's about getting along." We pass the high, black gates, and arrive in front of the iron doors. "So, please. Behave." 

"Don't worry about me, Kaede-chan," he says. "I'll be good." 

The moment the door opens, Momoko leaps into my arms. Her face seems fuller, and her hair smells like flowers. Seeing that she's okay immediately puts my heart at peace. "Why aren't you at Hama's?"

"You said you were coming home tonight. We wanted to be here, oh—" Momoko falls silent because she has spotted Satoru behind me. 

I set her down. "Satoru, you remember my little sister, Momoko." 

"Of course!" He leans down to level with her. "Good to see you again!" 

I can tell his enthusiasm overwhelms her. Courteously, she smiles and bows before taking a step closer to me. "Where's Tomiji?" 

To answer my question, he comes bolting down the stairs. With every step I wince, thinking he might trip and hurt himself. He prances forward excitedly, jumping into my arms with more force than Momo had. "You've gotten bigger!" He had changed so much in just three months—both of them had. 

"Who is this?" Tomiji peers out past my shoulder. "Is this your boyfriend of something?" 

Satoru laughs. "She wishes."

"I do not wish," I say. "Tomiji, this is Gojo Satoru, a friend." 

"Gojo?" he says. "As in the Gojo clan?" 

"That's me!" 

Like a wrench has pulled on his mouth, "Your boyfriend is from the Gojo clan?" 

"He's not my boyfriend. Have you not listened to anything I just said?" 

Tomiji has always been cynical in a way Momo cannot muster. Despite his young age, he has very set opinions on the three big clans. He's grasped the way they look down on people like him and put people like me in a position of servitude. Simple put, he despises them. For a time, I think I did too. 

But that was before I met Satoru, who diffuses the situation first, "It's okay if you don't like them, kid. I don't care for them much either." 

"Don't call me kid." 

"If you're done lingering in my foyer, dinner is ready." My father is standing in the doorway to the dining room. There's a displeased look on his face, as if we had all done something vulgar. My siblings deflate immediately. "Welcome home, Kaede-chan." 

It all sounds so formal. No one would think we're related had our faces not been so similar. "Thank you." 

"I take it the train ride went well?"

"Yes."

A prolonged period of silence fills the room. My father cannot find anything to say, and I have nothing to say to my father. 

"Hello, Uematsu-san, long time no see!" Satoru's voice is so loud it echoes. He tosses his backpack onto the floor and pushes Momo and Tomiji forward by the shoulders. "Thanks for dinner!" 

My father's jaw clenches as they push past him into the dining room. At first, I believe it's because his previous encounter with Satoru left a bitter taste in his mouth. However, when I step inside, I realize it's because Momoko and Tomiji were not supposed to join this dinner. Half the table is already filled by socialites in suits. Some of them were other Jujutsu from the estate, but most were the big names who pay large sums for curse exorcising. Of course, all their eyes are glued to Satoru.

"I should have known better," I think to myself. My father has turned what was intended to be a private dinner into a propaganda event that screams, "Look at me! Look at my daughter! Look how we're close with Gojo Satoru!" 

"Kaede-chan, stop staring." Satoru has made this revelation too. If anything, he knew from the moment we entered the house. And yet, he's playing along. He pats the empty chair next to him, "Come on. I'm hungry." 

I seat myself, bones feeling heavier. My father does the same at the head of the table. "Momoko and Tomiji's dinner was supposed to be served upstairs." 

"Nonsense, they should join us," Satoru says, voice loud for the rest of the party to hear, "You have this big, fancy house and can't fit two more people at the table?" 

Trapped, my father laughs it off, "Of course I can. It's just my children don't take well to larger crowds." His children who are sat across from us, gazes glued to their laps. It's a truly pitiful sight.

"I think they'll be fine, right, Kaede-chan?" 

Satoru looks at me, prompting the rest of the table to follow. I force a smile, nod, "Of course." 

My father has chosen our best markey goods in an effort to make dinner luxurious. The fish is incredibly fresh and every vegetable perfectly ripe. He handles all the conversation, going back and forth with these socialites about the "booming" economy of our estate, the political ground the Uematsu are gaining, and—without fail—my growing abilities. 

Satoru and I are meant to remain ornament pieces to his dinner. Something I can manage, something I've done hundreds of times, but eventually, Satoru grows bored, maybe annoyed, of being on display. "Tomiji-kun," he says, regardless of who was originally talking. The table goes silent, eager to listen to whatever Gojo Satoru has to say. My brother's eyes double in size when he realizes the attention is now on him. "You play any video games?" 

Some of the table resumes conversing once they hear it's nothing of importance. Others are half-listening, though, and it makes Tomiji hesitate. "...A few." 

I bought him a game console with birthday money two years ago. We put it in Hama's house so my father couldn't take it away.

"Which ones?"

"Well... I like Mario Kart, Zelda, and Street Fighter a bit." A bit is a massive understatement. 

"Awesome! My friend Suguru and I stayed up for thirty-six hours once playing Street Fighter," Satoru says. "Do you have a favorite character?"

Just when I can see Tomiji getting excited, my father cuts in, "Maybe we save such trivial topics for outside the dinner table?" 

Instantly, Tomiji closes his mouth and focuses on his plate. 

"I didn't realize you would rather I spent the whole dinner listening to you talk about boring adult shi—" I grab Satoru by the leg, dig my fingers into his thigh hard. A slight gasp leaves his lips, partly from the pain, partly from trying to withhold his temper. "Actually, I did have something I wanted to say to you, Uematsu-san." The table goes silent once more. 

"I'm," Satoru doesn't want to say it. I know he would rather die than say it. But if he swallows his pride, just this once, we can leave and enjoy the rest of our vacation elsewhere. So, I squeeze his leg harder. "Sorry for how I acted when we first met. What I said was rude." 

The breath I had been withholding is finally released in relief. I stop squeezing his leg, and instead give it a grateful pat.

I can hardly believe Gojo Satoru has willingly apologized, but my father doesn't appear to share the sentiment. Instead his expression has melted into one I recognize instantly—the same one that appears on his face whenever he's about to boast. "I shouldn't have expected anything less. You are just a kid after all. I suppose your family didn't teach you that power doesn't equate to wisdom or respect. Maybe one day you'll understand that." 

Satoru's leg tenses under my hand, but I'm not squeezing it this time. My father has succeeded in egging him on. He knows if he can't play the "we're friends with the Gojo clan" card, then he could at least force Satoru to lash out, making our family seem more refined. 

Satoru's mouth opens, and I've seen what he's about to say. 

"We're going on vacation together!" I blurt out. Everyone's eyes have fallen on me. My heart is racing. I'm certain, though, that this is better than Satoru announcing my father had paid to become a first grade—I can't even say it isn't true. 

"Kaede-chan, don't shout at the dinner table," my father says, eyes carefully ablaze now. "What's this about a vacation?" 

"Satoru, uh, and I... we, um...."

"Don't stutter either, I taught you better than that." 

The hand I've left on his leg, Satoru takes and holds. "We were granted a weeklong vacation," I say. "I'm going to spend it with Satoru on their island. Momoko and Tomiji are coming with us." 

He remains calm. The showman's smile remains on his lips, and it sends a shiver down my spine. "Sounds wonderful. I'm sure the Gojos will be proud to house the Uematsu children." 

My father directs the conversation elsewhere, and continues to do so for the remainder of the dinner. It would seem everyone has forgotten what I said, but I knew better. I lost my appetite thinking about what would come next. 

By the time his final guest left, the four of us remained seated, empty dessert plates in front of us. Mine is untouched. I let Momo and Tomiji share it. 

When my father steps into the dining room again, his voice is chillingly tranquil, "Kaede-chan, a word?" 

I force myself to let go of the hand I'd clung to the entire night. My father leads me into his study. The moment the door shuts, he turns on his heel and I let him slap me across the face. It burns. "What were you thinking?" he hisses.

"You were trying to embarrass Satoru."

"So instead you embarrass your own blood? Do you have any idea how detrimental this is to our future?"

I mutter, "Your future." 

"Think Kaede! This affects all of us." He's lost the composure he so carefully conserved the entire night. Somehow his hair and face have turned wild. "Our family cannot survive solely on generational wealth, not while it maintains this estate. You have put everything at risk all for the sake of presenting yourself to our sponsors at Gojo Satoru's whore!" 

"I..." I don't know what to say. "I'm sorry."

"I thought it was right to send you to Jujutsu High. I thought you might learn something important, but instead you've become more complacent than ever before," he fumes. "You were right. The best place for you to remain is here, I'm canceling your enrollment immediately—"

"Wait."

"You can work as a private-hire Jujutsu and funnel your earnings back into the estate. We'll clarify with each of our guests that your relationship with Gojo is a misunderstanding." 

"It is a misunderstanding."

"Are you really so naive that you expect any of them to not believe he's fucking you in those dormitories?!" 

I've heard my father say many things, but nothing like this. "He," my voice wavers, "He's not." 

"The truth of it doesn't matter anymore." He manages to lower his voice. "You are a disappointment regardless." 

An anvil must have landed on my chest, because all the air has suddenly been forced out. Tears bubble up to the surface of my eyes. I can't help but let them spill out like hot rain. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't cry, you know I hate that."

"I can do better," I offer. "Something like this will never happen again."

"It doesn't matter. You'll resume training and schooling here."

"Wait, please," I beg. "I'm so sorry—"

"And Momoko and Tomiji will be sent to the children's home in Kyoto until we can rebuild your reputation." 

Whatever tears are ready to fall don't. It's as if in a single breath, I've forgotten everything that's happened tonight. "What?" 

"I have no choice, Kaede-chan. You've brought this on all of us. I can't move forward with you distracted like this. They will be allowed back into this house once you've proven—"

"No." 

"Excuse me?"

"I said, 'no,'." It feels like I've been falling down this dark chasm the entire night. No sense of what to do or where I was going. And the moment he threatened Momo and Tomiji, I hit the bottom. No hope left, nothing more to lose. 

"You can't say no to me, Kaede. I'm your father."

"Don't you want me to be the strongest?"

"Of course I do."

"I don't think the strongest should be so easily controlled then. Not even by their father." I never thought a declaration of freedom would feel so binding. It weighs heavily on my soul, makes me sick to my stomach. "I'm going on vacation, staying in Jujutsu High. I honestly don't care if my reputation is ruined, or if you never see your three children again." 

"Don't be ridiculous—"

"I've given you so many chances to be better, to prove you're human." I'm drowning in disbelief. My eyes can hardly focus on anything in the room. "And you fail every time." 

"You would have nothing. No money, no connections, no home."

What am I doing? What am I saying? It feels as if the room is spinning. Nothing makes sense. "I don't want any of those things from you." 

"Everything okay in here?" Satoru rips the door open, and it does little to cut the tension. "Kaede-chan, everything alright?" 

I wait, and wait, but my father says nothing. I feel my heart break. "Everything's fine. We should get going." 

I leave the study, each step feeling unsteady. Before I can enter the dining room, Satoru grabs my wrist, and pulls me to face him. One hand at a time, he takes hold of my face, and slowly wipes the wet streams off my cheeks. Nothing's been said, but the message is clear: "Don't let them see you like this." 

"Thanks." Momo and Tomiji are still finishing up their dessert inside. "Pack your things. We're leaving." 

"I thought we leave tomorrow," Tomiji says, and he's right. Our flight to the Gojo clan's island isn't until morning, but I can't spend another minute in this house. None of us can. 

"We'll stay at Hama's. Bring everything." 

"What?" Momo says. "What do you mean?" 

"Our dad..." My voice shudders because the thought of him alone makes me want to sob. It's an overbearing feeling, one that burns in my eyes and throat. "He can rot in this house by himself." 

Tomiji is quick to nod, and leaves to pack, but Momoko isn't as certain. She remains in her seat. "Have you thought this through, Oneesan?"

Of course I haven't. "Of course I have." 

"You don't think... I don't know... that dad might..."

"He won't," I say curtly. "I'm sorry." 

The reality of it is incredibly harsh for all three of us. Our father, no matter how long we wait, will not change. He'll never love us the way we want, never be the man we need him to. There's no Forward Sight required to understand that. 

Momoko nods slowly, and I can tell she's fighting the urge to cry when she leaves for her things. 

With both of them gone, it's easier to lose sense of the next step. I feel like I'm floating in an endless sea. "Don't you need to pack?"

"Most of my things are in the dorm." I don't understand what to say or do with my limbs. I'm stuck, standing helplessly in a dining room I'll never see again. 

"You should check to make sure you're not leaving anything behind." 

"Satoru."

"What is it?"

I hold out my empty hand. "Can you come with me?" 

He takes it, and I find the will to move again. "Whatever you need." 

∞

Great Aunt Hama's house is towards the end of the estate, near the dairy farms where you can hear the cows mooing into the night. It's small and the smell isn't very pleasant either, but none of us are in the position to be picky. 

"What're you doing here? The bears told me you're going on vacation," is the first thing she says after opening the door. Then she scans Satoru up and down. "And who's this?"

Leaving out several key details I explain our current situation and how we need a place to stay. She has no problem letting her "little bears" in to get ready for bed, but Satoru she's more tentative with Satoru.

"I never liked the Gojo clan," she told us. "Too unbothered to get their hands dirty to stop my brother, Jin." 

Inside the spare bedroom, Momo and Tomiji are already covered up to their chins in the heavy quilt. 

"Oneesan?" Momo's small voice says.

"Yes?"

"Are we supposed to hate dad now?"

"Well," I wish I knew the adult thing to say. But I'm not an adult. I'm only a slightly bigger kid than they are, and after what I did tonight, I'm scared. "I don't think you should force yourself to feel a way that isn't natural to you." 

"Do you hate dad?"

"I don't think so," I say. "But the important thing is, no matter what I feel for him, I love you more than that, and he can't take care of you." 

"I hate dad," Tomiji says. "I'm glad you made us leave tonight, Oneesan." 

I open my mouth, but fall short for words. Instead all I say is, "You guys need to get some rest. It's a rough start, but we have an exciting week ahead of us, okay?"

I kiss each of their foreheads before stepping back out into the living room, where Satoru has somehow charmed Hama enough to make tea. He's sitting on the couch as if it were his own. "Four sugar cubes please." 

"You sure like sugar." 

"Like you wouldn't believe." 

I drop into the seat next to him. "I'm sorry to show up unannounced like this." 

"It's fine, you're family. Besides, I like seeing my little bears here." 

"I can pay to rent their room out," I offer. "Plus allowance for their food and clothes." 

"Oh please, Kaede. I've got my own share of the Uematsu wealth, you know. I think I can manage two tiny extra mouths to feed." 

"I'm sorry." I look down at my shoes. "I feel like I'm being unfair leaving them here. You shouldn't have to do this for us." 

"You shouldn't have to do this either. You're young. Enjoy being young. Kill some curses, date a few boys." Hama glances between myself and Satoru. "If that's all been decided then I'll be going to bed. I assume you two can figure out your own sleeping arrangement." 

The door closes to her bedroom. "I like her," Satoru says. "We should have had dinner with her instead." 

"What have I done?" The question leaves me like a long withheld breath. 

"What you had to. Your dad's a jerk. You did the right thing." 

"I uprooted them for my mistake." The more time I take to process, the more my dinner threatens to come back up. "They have no money or security to their name anymore." 

"I could set up a trust fund for both of them with a phone call. Seriously, they'll both be fine." 

"You're not funny."

"Do you hear me laughing?" 

I sink into the cushions, and stare up at the ceiling. "Don't ever do that for me."

"Why not? You're my friend."

"It's so embarrassing."

"It's not a big deal. My family wouldn't even notice."

"No, I was waiting for him to apologize." The desperation is evident in my voice. "Back when you opened the door, I was waiting for him to magically agree to be a good person—not even a good person, just a good father—but he didn't say anything." 

"You really love that moron, don't you?"

"I don't want to." 

"It's fine. Not everyone you love will be a good person." He pauses, as if contemplating this. "Maybe no one is actually good. It all depends on whether you're right for each other." 

"I think you're good. Annoying, but good." 

He shakes his head, and leans back into the couch cushions with me. Our heads drape over the backing. "We're just right for each other." 

He's already facing me as I turn. "You were crying earlier," he says. There's a lovely softness to his skin in this lighting. "I've never seen you do that before."

"You must think I'm weak."

"No, I know you're strong."

Looking at him, the idea strikes me without warning, the dangerous curiosity. The image of Satoru leaning in to kiss me. Is that what I really want?

Before I can figure it out, he sits up. "Ah, what a long day." He sets down his glasses, and turns longways on the couch.

"Sorry." I follow suit, our bodies lined up against the little surface area the couch provides. "This isn't how I wanted to start our vacation." 

Satoru's hand traces my waist, landing on the small of my back. He pulls me in to keep me from falling off the edge. Every part of my body flush against him, feeling his warmth envelop me better than any blanket. We've never been this close before

"I think this is a great start." 

[ahiddenpath]

Life Chatter

Talkin' about life beneath the cut.

It feels like there's a lot going on? I'm not sure where to start.

Heath

My husband had a minor health scare, and when we called our primary... Ah, turns out they were bought sometime since we last went, and we are no longer patients. But don't worry, we can see you in late April for your chest pains!

He went to an urgent care place, where they found that he has high blood pressure. They put him on a month of medication until he can see his new primary. We have a million doctor's appointment in March, both of us to start a new primary relationship somewhere else (it's rated a lot better than the old place anyway, to be honest), and some additional specialized appointments for my husband. About a week later, he is already in the high end of a healthy blood pressure, so please don't worry.

To be frank, we haven't properly cared for our health since before the pandemic. I mentioned to my husband, "I got blood work like... Before the pandemic? Three years ago?" And he was gently like, "Love, that was five years ago."

I always thought I understood what we lost to the pandemic, more or less. But the way time has smeared, five years becoming three in my head, all that lost medical care because I thought going to where sick people congregated was worse than not going, and then losing the habit of seeking annual care...

It's definitely past time to reclaim those habits. Routine preventative care, diet, and exercise. Honestly, we're not guaranteed timely medical care at all in the USA (we'll see you in two months for your chest pain), let alone affordable care. The onus is on me to have healthy habits and lose the weight I gained since the pandemic.

So, that's what I've been doing for the last week and a half. Eating healthier food and exercising. I want to say that I'm energized and feeling great, but uhhh.

I'm fucking exhausted. I have been passing out on my sofa at 9 PM.

Work

We moved our lab at work. It's wonderful, because I was a lab hobo for a year who um. When we hired more people than we had benches, we changed to, "No one has their own bench, it's hot seating." Except everyone who worked there before me had their stuff set up; that was their bench, and if I was working there when they entered, they looked at me like, "Wtf are you doing." It was extremely othering, having to apologize for doing your work in someone else's spot, knowing you could be asked to move any time.

I have my own bench, at least for now. The issue is that our lab is on the fifth floor on the opposite end of our huge ass, rectangular building. Our office sitting area is on floor two on the other end of the rectangle. I've been clocking 8,000 to 10,500 steps per day, and up to 78 minutes of elevated heart activity (ie, exercise minutes), just from... Existing at work. It was probably a bad time to combine this with exercise and calorie reduction, lmao! I didn't realize how much more exercise I would get at work.

On one hand, I get paid to be healthier at work. Cool. On the other, I do wonder- How would I get through my day if I were pregnant or injured? Those days when you feel a little off, but not actually ill, are going to be a lot harder now.

In happy news, I got my rewards letter for 2023, and um. My bonus? It's literally 8x my annual bonus at my last company. I would have had to work for 8 years and be awarded 8 times to get this money that I am receiving after 1 year here (well- I guess it's always 1.25 years, since you receive benefits at the end of Q1 the following year, but for some reason, every company I've worked at has done the same).

So like... Work hard, be paid hard is certainly better than work hard, be paid poorly/okay-ly. I do see that. But I am kind of laughing at how it comes at a time when work suddenly has a forced exercise element, lol! And a colleague the other day turned to me and said, "You know, fifteen years ago, I never would have dreamed of companies hiring beyond their space. Like, people not having a desk or a bench, or your sitting area being so far from your work area. What are we doing? What are we accepting, as workers?"

And I was like, "YEAH FUNNY STUFF, HUH."

Creating

I read a book for the first time in ages. I currently have four more book requests in at my local library. I've been trying to get back into reading, which was so vital for me all my life.

To be honest, as more pressures rise against fandom creators as people and AI steal their work and profit from it, I feel less inclined to share my work online. I have still been working on it, so if my mood shifts, the content will be there. But I'd say the pace of my work has decreased a lot.

The last thing I ever want to do is guilt anyone. But the risks of sharing our work online are greater than they've ever been, and the response to it from readers/viewers is lower than it's ever been, at least in my experience. I would really suggest that readers/viewers be as encouraging as possible if the content they are receiving is meaningful to them. I feel like so many of us are one more blow away from reducing/abandoning our online presence.

Mental Health

So I've been struggling lately with thinking- is this it? Is this my life? Work and be tired all the time? And I have the benefit of working and being tired all the time, but not having financial stress. It must be infinitely worse if you aren't making enough money on top of all that, which is true for a lot of Americans. Although if I were to have a kid, that financial stress would be born with the child...

Taking better care of myself does make me feel more like... Hm, a little more hopeful? Like I am planning for a tomorrow instead of watching the years ooze on? But it's also difficult and tiring, and energy was already low.

I am trying to plan some fun upcoming stuff with my husband. Little day outings and weekend getaway type things. The issue I think is that... Doing stuff truly seems worse since the pandemic? Paying so much more for so much less, going there and everything being so crowded that you can't get service or see anything, etc. I need to figure out ways to receive positive stimulation and have fun, without setting off my sensory issues or hemorrhaging money. Again, though, putting time and energy into that is not easy.

That's where I am now! I hope you're all hanging in there and maybe feeling a bit better as winter wanes and spring approaches. I love you and I'm hoping for the best for you <3

[tehloserprince]

I was tagged by @santacoppelia - thank you! 🥺🧡

1. were you named after anyone? Michael Jordan, ha ha. No, really, my mom's a huge fan. She's followed his career ever since his UNC days. I love telling people that's how I got my name. For the record, although I have an obligatory fondness for my hometown team and a nostalgic love for the Bulls in their Jordan Era, I'm currently a Bucks fan.

2. when was the last time you cried? It's really difficult for me to cry. It's such a relief at times, tho. I cried a few weeks ago, when I realized my special needs dog was having some epilepsy-related issues. I've mostly accepted that I'll probably never see him with a grey muzzle, but I really hope we can share more time together. There are still so many things I want to show him.

3. do you have kids? Nope. Sorta did, once, but I don't really talk about that much. It was a good experience, and I still love/think about her. But my kids are all the critter variety these days ;) I enjoy hanging out with my friends' kids, but they're all growing up too quickly :/ What even is time

4. what sports do you play/have you played? I never really played anything professionally, but I liked soccer, basketball, and running when I was younger. I got into boxing and Muay Thai when I was a little older, and also did a lot of hiking. Unfortunately I'm crippled, so I'm limited in what I can/should do. I try to go on lots of walks with my pup and swim whenever I can. Sometimes I still wrap my hands and hit the bag, which is fun.

5. do you use sarcasm? No, never. (/s obvs)

6. what's the first thing you notice about people? The way they treat other people - especially the most vulnerable - and animals. Physically, eyes and smile. I'm more impressed by people who can be genuinely kind without ulterior motivation.

7. what's your eye color? Hazel.

8. scary movies or happy endings? Depends on my mood! In terms of scary films, gore feels lazy and boring to me. I need a film to get inside my head in order to be scary. But I'm a sucker for happy endings too, which is a lot of projection on my part, ha ha.

9. any talents? Err. Uh. Writing, I guess? Remembering a lot of random info? Friends are consistently surprised that I'll remember so many little details, especially if it's like ... me surprising them with something they mentioned liking at some point. Funny enough, I'll frequently forget why I walked into a room these days, but I'm glad some parts of my memory still excel! I'm also told that I'm extremely patient, if that counts as a talent.

10. where were you born? Charlotte, NC.

11. what are your hobbies? Writing, reading, watching movies and television shows (mostly with the BFF), random crafts, DIY home improvement stuff (I painted my entire house despite my health worsening over the years and I'm very proud of that), canine behavior/training, and playing video games. I don't have as much time for games, but I still enjoy it. Started a new game of Red Dead Redemption 2 this winter, and I've been spending hours just roaming the land with my horse.

12. do you have any pets? Ha, yes! I do a lot of animal rescue and have some life goals related to that, so hopefully I'll always be surrounded by critters. My beloved dog (Skippyjon) passed away in 2022 (old age and CHF). I had a cockatiel for 21 years - a birthday present when I turned 8. We basically grew up together, and the house is still way too quiet without him. I had other dogs (Smokey and Locke), and a lot of fish. In college, I had an "illegal" hamster, Kai (Kaizoku). He was fat and wonderful. I chose him because he squeezed past his siblings, sat in their food dish, and started shoving food in his mouth. King behavior tbh. I had a rat named Stevie in my late 20s. Currently, I have a deaf special needs dog (Oscar aka Ozzy), a cat that I hand-raised because she was found abandoned shortly after birth (Swayze), and a rabbit (Shasta aka Bad Bunny). At some point, I decided that all my rabbits would be named after soda brands, ha.

13. how tall are you? About 5'10".

14. favorite subject in school? Literature, Spanish, Philosophy, sometimes History, Classical Studies, Art. Anything that wasn't math, because I always struggled with that.

15. dream job? If I could make a living off of writing and spend a lot of my time doing animal rescue, I'd be content. Even if I was wealthy, I'd ultimately pursue a simple, cozy life without a lot of fanfare. I'd love to have more money to invest in animal rescue and local community welfare (kids should always have basic necessities imo). Maybe someday ...

Tagging anyone who feels like doing this! Feel free to reblog or tag me if you wanna let me know that you did it. Thanks, this was fun :3

[ina-nis]

I understand where people come from, or I really try to... but I don't think they understand me at all. This is one of the things that make everything even more frustrating and make me feel hopeless...

To them, it's just a matter of time, or a matter of self-care, or a matter of showing up, or a matter of therapy, among other things... Please, I am not a child, I am not ignorant either, I can guarantee these were exactly the very first things I tried, things I still try if I'm able to, because I know those are the "right" things one is supposed to do.

They almost always are in relationships, they almost always have some kind of support system - those are things that are probably normal and not out of extraordinary to them, things they might even take for granted, too.

None of that is "normal" or "ordinary" for me. That's a problem.

When I give it a second thought and look beyond... I don't want relationships like those, I don't want to live my life like that, I don't want that kind of support, and so on. I think I have had my share of trying that stuff to know it doesn't really work for me, for some reason.

I recently brought up my desire to get married when I was talking to someone who have been married for decades. I never really thought about nor I ever wanted marriage, but the more I think about it, the more it weights on my mind, the more I think that's definitely one of the things that would give me a lot of safety and reassurance in a relationship. I was told I should "be patient" and "give it time."

Oh yeah, absolutely. I have all the time in the world, and patience.

Just wait another year, right? Maybe another 10?

I guess I used to think of my own loneliness as a "partner" but that's not quite it!

Loneliness is absence, and that is extremely painful.

But much like neglect, absence is passive, it doesn't damage you right away. It might take a very long time to even realize something is amiss.

This is why many ways to cope with loneliness have to do with filling your life, your time.

But it doesn't necessarily fill the absence.

For that requires another human being. Not an object, experience or another living creature.

To want another is not painful or traumatic.

To want another, in the absence of another, is truly horrifying, on the other hand.

And to make matters even worse, the complexities of existing with a traumatized and lonely mind, are a sure way to cement that pain: there will be hurt 100% of the time and it's inescapable, you can "choose" to continue walking the lonely path you're already on, or you could try connecting with others and subjecting yourself to loss, rejection and abandonment (betting on the delusional chance that you'll be able to connect long-term).

I cannot thrive on casual or temporary connections, those traumatize me further. Knowing relationships and connections come and go doesn't give me any comfort or ease my pain. I'm not stupid, if that could've helped me, I'd not be here talking about these things incessantly.

I've noticed that, with all these issues, it's really not a matter of connecting with others... there's just too much to work through and "connection" will be probably the very last step.

"Marriage" is but a very distant dream, or another delusion.

And even if I get there eventually... I'll have to deal with all the pain and grief, from all the time lost that I will never have back...

... All the years in loneliness, how much space, time and energy they took from me; how much that pain, that misery, tainted every aspect of my life that I could never feel true happiness without being constantly reminded of loneliness; how much loneliness defines you, for both yourself and for other too, there's so much stigma, there's this uncanny feeling that drives people away from you, because loneliness spreads like a disease, that comes with depression and more; how much loneliness keeps you on the edge, how it makes death seem so damn comforting because the living don't really care about you? As if you were meaningless and as if your existence didn't really matter...

Oh, how frustrating and infuriating that feels... when you just want to live your life in whatever way feels right for you, but you're instead sick with a disease that makes you need other people (when you know you can't control them, make them want you or make them not leave you).

[aroacephotographer]

Pseudo-story time about college.

A word of warning: This story has mention of financial strong-holding and emotional manipulation.

This post sponsored by: Pangs of Guilt (a punk band name I just made up)

I was forced to graduate college.

My mom was the second person in my family to attend college. Then the first to graduate with a full degree. Then the first to obtain a Master's. By the time I entered high school, she was celebrating her PhD in Public Health Nursing.

Fantastic, right? Until you hear about the enormous pressure she put on me to basically do the same thing.

She allowed me to pursue a more artistic route in college. It was something I was apparently passionate about. But the thing was, I didn't really start exploring my interests fully until the end of high school. I just wasn't paying enough attention until then. And when I paid attention, I noticed that I struggled in school.

So I told my super-smart mom. And she told me I was fine, normal, and there was nothing wrong with me.

I told her back, "But I struggle all the time. I think I have ADHD or something." That was the only word I could think of. But she took it as me saying there was something WRONG with me.

For someone so smart, she ignored a lot of facts about me. Like how I was coming out of the closet (she raised me to be alloromantic and straight because it was the only thing she knew); or how tests gave me enormous amounts of anxiety even if the concepts were "simple."

Autism was a four letter word. I could never bring this or certain other topics up, because she knew better than me. So it's no wonder I beat myself up for feeling "stupid" so much. After all, I only have a Bachelor of Arts degree.

So during my last couple of years in college, I started breaking down. I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore. Four classes was too much. I compared myself to people who were basically taking 7 like in high school. My focus was all over the place and the pressure to graduate, much less in 4 years, had become too much. So I told her.

Her response was to point out that my older cousin had dropped out of college 10 years earlier, so I couldn't do the same. She said this with anger in her voice. After all, she'd been paying the bills and supporting me... financially. But hadn't supported me emotionally. So she told me I had to finish college. Period. There was no choice but to do it.

In so many words, my own mother told me to suck it up and get the fuck over it.

There's not an exact ending to this. Just that I went along and tried my best to do exactly as she told me. Every subsequent realization I made about myself was another form of rejection because it didn't fit her view of me. And she was someone who cared what other people thought about her and the kid she raised.

The "ending," if I can try and claim one, is that I've been picking up pieces ever since. I've realized I'm autistic, ADHD, I'm part of the queer community. And probably the biggest thing, I'm slowly figuring out the things I hyperfixate on vs the things I want to get paid to do (words I didn't have in 2008 when I graduated high school). I'm finally working on things like my extreme anxiety, being patient with myself as I learn new things like coding, and parenting myself.

I always worry if I meet someone with a kid of their own, and they needlessly push ideals onto a child. I wonder what kind of anxiety they'll have to work through. I wish I could point this out succinctly to some parents that you're raising another human being, and to not push everything onto them. They may have neurodivergence that makes it difficult to see your perspective. That if you care too much about what everyone else thinks of your family, then you're doing it wrong.

If you stuck with me, thanks for reading. This is something that I've been working on for a long time. I feel behind in many ways. But I'm working on it and there's plenty of time to figure shit out. And I hope this helps someone out, in whatever way it can.

[the-ace-with-spades]

I was gonna delete it later but I feel bad and want thank anyone for the well wishes (that was very kind of you all) and just wanna clarify I was talking mostly from a perspective of someone who cares professionally for stroke patients and sees many family going through their personal tragedies at the bedsides of my patients - I work as a nurse in a neuro ICU that lately became overfilled with stroke patients (usually we have a bigger variety of illnesses) and seeing this every day makes me feel Certain Kind of Way, especially that I work a lot of overtime and sometimes I see patients relatives every day, for hours, and given my tendency to bound with my patients, it's just been very on my mind how different of an experience it is when your relative has a stroke and you're not trained medically to know what lies ahead of you and your family in terms of recovery - there's so many different emotions and ways people deal with it.

While I said mostly, I do have a history of stroke in the family (my uncle and aunt, and my nan) which was the main reason I decided to go into neuro critical care nursing. That said, we did have a big event where my FIL had a stroke happening with me being the one who noticed last November. I, at the time, knowing his existing cancer diagnosis, realized it was going to be a life sentence for him (he is palliative at the moment, as predicted, and his care's been challenging to deal with given the lack of support from our community team, but that's a whole another thing) and it made my realize how much my patients families feel when I see them visiting.

I often see myself in those family members at my patients bedsides and feel like this is a complete unique experience that shows you both how tragic and fragile life can be and how beautiful familial love and support can be. Providing care has always been easy for me, but the last year I've been extremely frustrated with the system I work for and identifying more and more with my patients and their relatives and this is giving me Big Feels. Writing is one of the ways I let go of my Big Feels and I feel like I'm at the point where I'm overfilled with those Big Feels regarding this point of my life

I realize that it might come off as weird (given this is fanfiction, etc) and it might feel inappropriate for some people, but most of my writing on serious topics (be it fandom related or not) has most come from topics that are close to my heart

I'm having some strong feelings about stroke in the family, someone please hold me from putting it into writing something like a fic where Mav has a stroke and everything that comes after (mostly from Bradley's and Jake's perspectives, you know, since they woulda be married with kids and Mav would be getting old etc etc and because that's what I know - the outsider perspective, either as a relative of the patient or someone who takes care of them)

[kabudont]

Right about now marks when I made my first tumblr, 10 years ago, after spending my entire middle and high school years socially isolating from all of my peers by choice due to the extreme amounts of social trauma I experienced just in elementary school

Right about now marks 10 years since I've started trying to make friends and socialize despite my trauma, despite how hard it is, and despite how much it hurt every time I fucked up. Which was often. I was a socially traumatized autistic who hasn't really talked to anyone in years. But I was kind to myself. I kept getting back up. I kept trying. I thought, I'd get it eventually. I'd get good at this, like everyone else. Like even the other autistics I knew and was friends with.

It's never been easy. I never thought it would be. More trauma, of course. It hurt too, but I was honestly expecting it. First best friend, gone. Second one, gone. That one hurt a little more, but I had other people help me through it, and besides, they were right-- listening is the most important part of being a good friend, and I was shit at that. So I worked on myself. I made it a habit to examine my mistakes, to try and figure out how to be a better friend, a better person. This was when I figured out I wanted to be kind, and patient, and loyal. The biggest thing I was always grateful for was when people were patient and understanding with me, so I wanted to give that to other people, too.

It just... it keeps happening. It's been a decade. I've learned. I've grown. I never gave up. And then, almost right at the decade mark, I gave up. I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm still trying to decide if it's worth ever even opening my mouth to anyone but my boyfriend. I'm just so fucking terrified, all the time, of fucking up. I've lost so many people. I've lost so many friends. And they keep telling me I'm the problem, and some of them have even been specific about how I fucked up, but I just don't seem to learn.

It's been about ten years, now. Nothing's really changed. I have exactly one person in my life I'm not fucking terrified of fucking up with (and even that's not going to last forever), a shitton more trauma, and now my body even works worse than ever. What's changed? How have I learned? How have I gotten any better at this? Every conversation I have with other people just leaves me fucking exhausted and scared and fragile. It's been ten fucking years. I'm so tired. I miss everyone. I miss all of you. I'm sorry. I don't know if trying to have friends is worth it anymore. I've tried everything. It all goes wrong. I try again and I'm wrong again. Again and again and again and again and again and everything just hurts and I dont want to give up but I've tried everything else. And I still never even *realize* when I screw up. Again. Even when it's some way ive screwed up before. Again. And again and again.and ahain.and im so tired and I still love everyone thats left and everyone ive run from I still love everyone but it hurts so fucking much

[pegasus-ghost]

Wow it's been 2 weeks since I last update stuff here, huh?

Well, lucky you, I didn't have much stuff going on in my life for the past two weeks.

About my dreams? Strangely (and I guess, thankfully.) my dreams had been very 'tame' and 'safe'. Nothing strange and weird going on. I always relate my dreams to what Allah is trying to tell me.

And all these 'tame' dreams is telling me that Allah has been protecting me greatly from my dreams being influenced by djinns trying to mess with me.

About my novel? Great news...Ish.

Liam had been open to listening to my planned plot that I had for it last week, and I spent hours for 2 days telling him my plot from start to finish. Weirdly, Liam had been extremely responsive and supportive (and patient too, mind you.) in listening to everything. And you know what? He gave me a lot of extremely good pointers in his POV on what I should and shouldn't do with my plot as well as character development stories. I thank Allah for opening up his heart to listen and help me out with my plot. But yeah, turns out that I have WAY too many sub-conflicts in my plot to develop. But I'm satisfied.

Faith-wise? Still working on it. Still working on strengthening my faith to please Allah. I get scared whenever I realize that I had been slacking off and forgot about Allah, which has been frequent these days. I begged Allah to not lead me astray, and help me out in my commitment towards Him. I have faith that Allah will help me and he's currently helping as we speak; just not in ways I'm realizing.

My parents had been away for a week-ish to Turkey. They almost cancelled the trip because my dad suddenly suffered from terrible asthma attack while on the flight to Abu Dhabi. But when they found out they have to spend an extra 5000 for a return ticket, they decided (or more like my dad decided, he hates spending money) to just continue with the trip. Well, thankfully nothing bad happens for now other than the asthma attack.

The way I see it? Allah is trying to warn my dad that he can literally die anytime and Allah tested my dad with the asthma attack while he's on a fun trip, to remind him to remember Allah and revert back to Him (my dad isn't religious and rarely prays just like me back then). And he's like, 60 plus years old. I don't know what crossed his mind when it happened, but I hope that was enough warning for him to change his ways once he returns soon. I don't know, we'll see.

What else? Work? Nothing new. But I've been pissed off with how the CEO handles things. Laying 150 people off the company silently without announcement just to save his pride and face in front of the employees. He'd been showing a lot of selfish and arrogant attitude, using up company resources for his own agenda.

But yeah, fuck that. I don't care anymore. I just care that I have a job that allows me to work from home indefinitely (and Alhamdulillah for that.). Whatever he wants to do, let him. It's not my company. At least this job allows me to pray and that I can afford a lot of free time to build on my faith as well as doing other things I like.

Oh, I did tell you that Adam is married now? Feels weird that his wife is constantly around whenever I went back to my parents place. Adam and his wife lives with our parents for now.

Not much else, really.

Oh. Yeah. It's finally the end of 2022.

2022 is.... Definitely a HUGE blessing for me from Allah.

If you had asked me what I think my 2022 will turn out to be, I would never have guessed that Allah will save my faith from someone who never prays and don't care about Islam all his life, to being extremely religious, praying 5 times a day and remembering Allah everyday.

It's a strange turn of events for me, but a blissful one.

I feel like I don't deserve such kindness from Allah at all. Sigh. But He chose me, out of like, billions of humans who'd lived and died out there not knowing Islam or even abandoned Islam.

What did I do to deserve this blessing from Allah? I cry almost every time whenever I reflect on this. And I will never take this for granted. I will continue to work on my faith, and I still have a long way to go.

Sigh. Well yeah. That's it for my recent update and summary of 2022.

Alhamdullillah.

[abeillefaeabeille]

Take it.

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TW: dom!Alice (not soft), mommy kink, titty washing, teasing, degradation, fingering (r receiving), scissoring, mocking, spitting, vulgarity, choking, hair-pulling... I think that's it? Let me know.

idk how many words 😭

AN: Ummmm hi :) I had written this nearly a year ago, so I decided to revise it and put it on this lovely little app :) I'm currently working on finishing my first request! Let me know how you like it! (also, if you want to be a part of my tag list let me know! There are only 25 of you but, oh well) Please be kind, but if you have any suggestions or requests, don't be scared to speak up!

MINORS DNI PLEASE!! 18+!!! It makes me extremely uncomfortable at the thought of a minor interacting, please don't!!

ENJOY!

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ALICE POV

Oh how I missed my sweet baby. After a terrible day with Phyllis, having to pretend to be against who I really am, who I love, I'm exhausted and ready to be with y/n. Thankfully she allowed us all to go home early, and I almost sped to get to my kitten.

Running through the rain after getting out of the car, I run to our front door, giggling slightly as I get drenched. I burst through the door and see her head pop up from the couch in the living room.

Y/n beams and giggles at how soaked I am. “Alice! You’re home early, is something wrong?”

Oh, my sweet girl... she's always so caring and concerned about me. I smile wide and shake my head, chuckling as I start to strip in our mudroom.

“No sweetness, Phyllis let us leave early, thank goodness. It was getting suffocating.” I pout slightly and slide my unbuttoned blouse off, only in my bra and skirt now.

With a huff I make my way to the laundry room, hearing my baby following close behind like the cute little puppy she is. “I'm so sorry, mommy.. I’m so glad you’re home, I.. I missed you very much.”

Now, I heard what she said, but I couldn’t catch on to the shyness at the end of her sentence, I would’ve realized she meant more than just, missing me..

But unfortunately, I was so focused on getting my clothes in the wash that I didn’t notice. I just nod and grin, closing the lid on the wash before glancing at her. “Aw, mommy missed you too, sweetheart!” I say as I kiss her head, rushing to the bathroom to wash myself off.

Y/N POV

She wasn’t getting it! All day, I’ve been waiting as patiently as I possibly could for her to get home. Last night we were so close to having play time, but mommy was just exhausted, so we stopped to just cuddle and sleep. I didn’t wanna push it, but now I can’t take it. It's been a week since I've been ruined like I need.

Following her closely, my cheeks flush from witnessing her strip from her clingy clothes, and now she’s NAKED. I don’t understand how she’s just so casual.

She’s talking about something, I hadn’t realized until I felt a hand cup my cheek. I snap out of my trance and look up to see Alice’s brows knitted in concern.

“Sweet girl, are you alright?” The pet name and her soft voice is certainly not helping the pool forming in my underwear.

I go to speak and feel how watery my mouth is, immediately making me blush. I open my mouth and then shut it, nodding as I look up at her shyly. Her eyes slightly squint and she looks down at my lips, a light smirk forming on hers.

“Oh baby, you’re drooling.” she mutters, moving her thumb to swipe over my bottom lip. I can’t stop the slight whimper that erupts in my throat, and I watch, my eyes widening as she brings her thumb to her own lips and sucks my drool off.

“Hm, nummy.”

Fuck. I feel my brows knit as I feel the urge to plead. She winks at me and then hums, softly chuckling at my demeanor. She pulls out a washcloth out of one of the cabinets and turns on the shower, stepping in but keeping the curtain open wide. I just stand there in awe as she lathers the washcloth with soap, and then uses it to wash herself.

She looks into my eyes as she washes her breast, her bottom lip hooked in between her teeth, but I don’t pay attention to that, my eyes wander down to her soapy tits.

I blush in shame when a whine slips out of me at the sight of her, the way she tilts her head up slowly, humming out a groan at the feeling of the warm water hitting her smooth skin.

After a moment she looks back at me, chuckling. “Baby, go strip and lay down in bed, I wanna have cuddles when I’m done.” She speaks so innocently, as if she hasn’t been kneading her tits right in front of me.

“But I-” I go to protest, but her eyes narrow and I feel my words get caught in my throat. “Listen to mommy, kitten. Do as I say.” she says in a soft but impossibly intimidating tone.

I immediately nod, glancing at her body one more time before backing out of the bathroom and to the bedroom. I take a deep breath, slightly shaking from what just happened.

I quickly undress, peeling my underwear off and clearly seeing the soaked patch, making me go red. I put my clothes in the laundry basket and crawl onto the bed, huffing softly as I slide under the covers to try and soften the goosebumps forming on my bare body.

I wrap my arms around my pillow and pout to myself, facing away from the bathroom door so I don’t have the urge to run back in and plead for Alice to fuck me.

I eventually zone out, listening to the shower running and Alice’s soft hums as she finishes up. I don’t even realize that it’s stopped, so as soon as I feel a hand on my shoulder I jolt and whip my head around to see Alice giggling. 

“Jumpy little thing, aren’t you? You silly girl.” Her tone makes my face flush and I scrunch my nose, turning to put my face in my pillow as I let out a few shy giggles, feeling butterflies in my tummy. 

I feel a shift in the bed and then suddenly her warm soft body is pressed into mine. Her arms wrap around my middle as she pulls me against her further, my breathing getting heavy at the feeling of her fingers stroking my lower stomach.

At the feeling of her breath hitting the back of my neck my hips wiggle slightly while squeaking out a little whine. At that she lets out a breathy chuckle as she presses her palm flat against my abdomen. 

“Stay still, my desperate little baby.” she whispers in a silky voice, immediately causing a shiver to run through me. I am breathing out my words, trying my best to stay still for her. “M-Mommy, mommy could you please..” I trail off, groaning as I feel the tightness in my chest, my shyness making me lose the words.

“Please what? What do you need mommy to do for you, baby?” she coos into my ear, and my eyes roll slightly as she strokes my earlobe with the tip of her warm tongue. 

I don’t stop myself- I can’t, starting to rock my hips against her front, feeling as if I was going to explode at any moment. I gulp and sputter before finding words.

“Fu-uck me, touch me mommy- please!” I plead out in soft whimpers, where she just responds with a hum and a sudden suck at my pulse point. I choke out a little moan, and as I do so I feel her hand slide down further to cup my mess of a cunt. 

“Oh, my poor baby is so wet, isn’t she?”

With a quick nod in response she suddenly pushes her middle finger slips through my lips and slides through them to collect the messy arousal . My eyelids flutter as I feel my head grow foggy and I moan weakly, my clit throbbing in response to her touch. 

“So responsive for mommy, so sensitive.. You can’t even handle mommy’s touch, can you? You dumb little thing.” Her voice just makes me sink deeper into her as I completely give into her.

She bends her finger and gently swirls the tip of it around my entrance. I groan out a few needy whimpers and nod my head, needing her inside of me. She slowly slips the end of her long finger into my entrance, and my response to that is simply clenching around it.

She helps me roll onto my back and presses herself onto me, looking into my eyes as she pushes her finger in further and starts to pump in and out of me slowly, curling her finger to hit my spongy spot perfectly. 

I scrunch my face and start to let out soft little moans, my eyes growing heavy as she starts to go even faster. “Fu-uck yes mommy, need more I- please!” I look at her with the widest eyes, whimpering as her eyes have grown deeper brown instead of their usually rich honey color. “My cute little baby, you want more? God, you’re such a needy slut.” She uses her free hand to suddenly grab my face, digging her fingers into my jaw while small grunts slip out of her mouth.

Alice seems so soft, she really just looks so innocent, but she’s far from. On the outside, around others, she is never in control. She’s always talked down to, or not listened to. So when she’s home she likes to be the boss, likes to be in control. Which is the best thing for me, what I’ve always needed.

“Your mouth looks dry baby, you need mommy to fix that?” I go to respond but before I can she spits right on my tongue, making me choke out a loud moan and clench roughly around her finger. 

“That was a rhetorical question, stupid whore.” She hisses, pulling her finger out before I can even react.

She brings her hand down on my puffy cunt, making me squeal in surprise. While she laughs deeply and I whine, wiggling my hips when she pulls away from me completely.

She narrows her eyes as she sits up on her knees between my legs, her soft tits bouncing slightly as she sits. 

“If you don’t stop moving, mommy will leave you right here and go sleep in the guest room.” Her soft voice is gone and what replaces it is a voice that sends a straight shock to my core. I gulp and nod rapidly, obediently freezing every muscle in my body. 

Her smile silently praises me and she leans on all fours, her body hovering over mine. She moves her face into my neck, and I immediately tilt my head back to give her room. 

“Hm, such a good girl for mommy, my obedient little kitten.” She whispers against my neck as she leaves wet little kisses all over my neck. Just as I start melting into her touch and relaxing, she bites down hard onto my neck, immediately making me whine and buck my hips up.

Her chuckle makes me freeze again, and she soothes the bite mark she just made with her tongue before clicking it while she lifts her head up. Her face gets close to mine, twisted with fake pity.

“Poor baby, you couldn’t help but move your hips when mommy nibbled on you, huh?” she says in a sickly sweet voice, making my cheeks turn deep red. She smiles with her teeth and before I can blink she’s grabbing my throat. I gasp and arch my neck, looking into her eyes with wide helpless ones. 

“M’sorry, m’sorry mommy pl-please..” I breathe out, gulping against her hand. She giggles at me and then uses her free hand to slowly pull my thigh up.

She sits up straighter while keeping her hand around my neck, positioning her hot center against mine. Her eyes flutter as they stay on mine and I can’t help but groan softly as I hear our arousal mixing together. 

I let out soft whines when she doesn’t start moving, only to hear soft hushes in response. “Shh baby, just be patient. Mommy’s gonna make us feel so so good.” She breathes out, her words making my clit twitch slightly, and my hips ache with the need to move but I wanna be good for her.

Her bottom lip slid in between her teeth, her brows furrowed together and her eyes only narrowed as she started rolling her hips so slowly. I thought I was gonna explode, she knows just what to do to make that happen, too. I almost start to tear up as she tortures me with the leisurely pace, and she sees how my face starts to scrunch up.

“Oh, is my little one gonna cry? Tsk tsk tsk, we can’t have an unhappy fucktoy, can we?” She almost sounds like she’s mocking me, but the caring tone she uses only makes me clench around nothing. 

The chuckle that comes out of her quickly turns into a gasp when my cunt suddenly contracts against her, but before I could even react to her reaction, she suddenly thrusts herself turbulently against my weeping pussy.

I instantly yelp in surprise my own hips bucking in response, which immediately just starts a mess of uncontrollable movements from the both of us. I know Alice can’t take anymore of even her own teasing, and God knows I can’t. So we just frantically hump against each other; grunts, whines, and squelching noises filling the air. 

Her hand squeezes my neck tighter, making it that much harder to breathe, but the light fuzzy feeling from the lack of oxygen only makes me feel more pleasure.

Alice leans down above me, her breath hitting my cheek. “Fuck baby, just like that- yesssss! Keep moving like that sweet girl. Mmm fuck, you’re gonna make mommy- fuck! Gonna make mommy cum all over your pretty pussy.”

 After she grunts that out in my ear I practically squeal out a whine, closing my eyes and focusing the feeling of her slightly bulging clit against my swollen one. 

I make my walls clench, knowing she’ll feel it. I was right, she starts moaning louder and throws her head up the moment I do. My face twists pleadingly, and I start to practically weep for her. “Please cum mommy, pl-please make a mess on me…” With that she lets go of my neck just to reach up and grip my hair with both of her hands.

Within minutes I feel her stomach starting to contract against mine, and then suddenly she tenses hard and groans louder than ever. 

“BABY! Fuck, fuck fuck take my cum- YES TAKE MY FUCKING CUM SLUT!” She bucks her hips harder than ever, and before I can say anything my orgasm hits me. 

I grip onto her shoulders and let out high pitched moans, my thoughts dissipating as I can only focus on our clits pulsating against each other and Alice muttering, “Take my cum.” over and over in my ear.

After riding out our shared highs, Alice hums and burrows her face in my sweaty neck, placing little kisses on my throbbing pulse point.

“Mm, that was s’good mommy,” I mumble, whimpering as I try to clamp my legs shut, but Alice’s are tangled in mine, making it impossible. “Mommy, feel sensitive..” I whisper, wrapping my arms around her neck. She only coos softly, slowly raising her head to look down at me with a small smile. 

“I know baby, let’s try to relax a little more, then we’ll have a nice, hot bubble bath, okay?” I immediately smile at the sound of that and nod slowly, giggling lightly as well. Alice grins wider and moves her hand to tuck some hair behind my ear. As she does so I can’t stop my eyes from fluttering shut, feeling so safe and satisfied in her arms. 

“Oh how I love you, my sweet baby..”

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Taglist: @cthulhus-curse @blxckchxrrybxby

[thewritepages]

The Diary of the Older Collegiate (#TheFreshman Series) (2)

Synopsis : Annabelle Green is somewhat in a situation no thirty year woman would want to find herself in : (Un) Happily divorced, childless and with a job worth peanuts and migraine. The downward spiral of her life doesn't seem to end anytime soon until her sister reminds her of her most cherished dream.

College.

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

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MAY 10, 2019

3.30 A.M.

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Maybe Kat was right- A few days away has done me good.

I've actually stopped bawling every ten minutes. I have even managed to sleep for five hours straight last night, which is a significant improvement.

My family members quickly realized that I had to no intention to talk about the disastrous interview or about my estranged husband. Instead, they've tried distracting me with all sorts of things-

Mum: "Anna, darling, come here and help us with the gardening."

Me: "Who's the other person in the 'we'?"

Kat: (appearing out of nowhere) "That would be me."

Me: "Okay, fine. Wait...Mum. Didn't you complain of knee pain? You may have arthritis! You need to stop exerting yourself."

Mum: "Oh, Anna, really, it isn't so bad-"

Me: "And you, Kat, what do you think you're doing here? Without GLOVES?? You may develop toxoplasmosis! Do you know how toxic-"

Kat: (rolling her eyes) "Oh, now enough already Miss Know-It-All. I was going to wear them! Would you please-"

Me: "On second thoughts, gloves won't suffice. According to Youronlinegynac.com, You have to make sure you wear long sleeve blouses, long trousers, rain boots and a mask, for good measure."

Mum: "Anna-"

Me: "Plus, you're carrying twins for heaven's sake. Don't you ever read pregnancy articles? You must give your back as much rest as possible-"

Kat: "I JUST GOT OUT OF BED-"

Me: "Back to you, Mum. The morning sun is not very good for your aging skin. I think-"

Kat: "You know what, Anna? Never mind about us. You should probably go back to sleep."

Jeez, so much for being considerate.

So, yeah. That's what I've been the entire week – Eat, Read and Watch Movies. Sometimes, Kat pops in to chat but storms away ten minutes later claiming that my "Ridiculous Internet Articles" exasperates her. I completely fail to understand why she gets so agitated about it. The other day when I told her all about Kim K's regime for fighting flabby abdomen and about her extremely shapely hips despite having four kids, all she did was glare at me for a full minute and then stomps away.

Must be the hormones.

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MAY 11, 2019

3.30 A.M.

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IT'S DEFINITELY THE HORMONES.

I MEAN, HOW COULD SHE - I WOULD NEVER – IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE –

Calm down, Anna. Deep breaths. In and out. In and out.

Okay... let's just rewind all that.

About two hours ago, I was just roaming around the house, munching on Pop Tarts, having nothing else to do with sleep permanently erased from my mind. Passing through the corridor, I suddenly spotted the narrow staircase leading up to the attic.

Deciding to go check out the old stuff stashed up there, I climbed up the rickety staircase, opening up the dusty wooden door. As I rifled through old furniture and documents, a familiar cardboard box caught my eye. It was labeled "ANNA'S STUFF. DO NOT TOUCH." In my old scrawly handwriting. As my gaze lingers on the label, memories seep into my mind. Why did I skip college? Why did I leave town? Why did I sacrifice everything...for him?

With shaky hands, I open the box.

The box was filled with dozens of college applications, unfinished application essays and my high school books. I touched the frayed sheets, decaying with years, wondering how life would have been, if I had just taken the chance.

"Anna! What happened? " Kat dropped down beside me, breathing heavily.

"Kat! Why did you come up here? The latest article in the Mom-to-be e-magazine says that –"

"Oh, will you just stop with your goddamn articles and tell me what the hell is wrong? Why are you crying?" Her gaze shifted to the box.

"What's in that?"

I quickly closed the lid. "Nothing, nothing. I'm just being my usual pathetic self, I guess." I wiped my cheeks hastily.

"Aw. C'mere, Annie." She opens her arms wide, offering comfort. I accepted it gratefully.

"Okay. Now tell me what's wrong."

Despite my state of weakness, I still found the strength to roll my eyes at her. "Really? You want me to tell you the messy details of my marriage, once again?"

"Oh lord, not that. I'm sick of hearing your big, sad story." I let out a sad chuckle. "The other reason for your misery. There's something else, I know it."

I sniffed. "How do you 'know'? "

"I just...know."

"Jeez, and I thought I was the weird one."

She broke away from the embrace and looked at me right in the eye.

"Now, will you stop deflecting the topic and tell me what the hell is wrong with you?"

I looked here and there for some distraction. A few moments later, I realized that I was trapped.

"It's nothing, really."

"I'll be the judge of that." She smiled kindly at me.

And that was it. I began to bawl like a two year old.

"I wish I never skipped college. I wish I never gave up on my dream. I wish I'd waited like you d-did. "I swallow the huge lump in my throat. "And you know what's the worst part? I gave up everything, for that...that bastard!" I threw my face in my lap, muffling my high decibel cry.

Kat, on the other hand, waits patiently. Ten minutes later, I sit up straight, staring at her with bloodshot eyes.

"So...no words of comfort or consolation?"

"Why is there a need for that when the solution is right in front of you?"

"What do you mean?"

Her face grows impatient. "You sound like you're eighty and lying on your deathbed or something. You have so much of life ahead of you, so many opportunities waiting for you."

I shake my head, still not getting the point.

All of the sudden, she grabs my face tightly and looks at me with happiness glimmering in her eyes.

"You wanted to attend college, right? Get a degree? Discover your talents? This is the moment, Anna! You can finally live your dream!"

I stare at her for a solid minute. And then I stare at her some more.

"Well?" she inquires.

"Me? Attend college? Now?"

She nods vigorously. "This is your chance, Anna. What's there to stop you?"

I blink. She blinks.

Suddenly, I explode into a full-fledged, insane laughter. I laugh and I laugh, till my cheeks hurt.

Kat waits again, calmly as ever. She appraises me grimly. "If you're done with the schizophrenic behavior, would you be kind enough to tell me what you found so funny about what I said?"

"What's funny about it? Seriously? I'll tell you what's funny." I stand in front of her. "Look at me. I'm a thirty year old divorced, childless woman with nothing to look forward to. I've spent my entire life listening to complaints, be it from my boss in office or from my husband back home. Now that my darling husband has got rid of me, I have to work extra shifts to pay the rent, the bills, everything."

"So what, Anna? This is what you've always wanted to do. You are an intelligent, young"- I snorted-"independent woman, as far as I've seen you. You deserve a fun college experience, even if you think you're twelve years late for it."

"Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Kat, but I really am twelve years too late to apply. And anyway, which college will be willing to take me in?"

"Any college would be lucky to have you, Annabelle Green. Just you wait and watch." She strides out of the attic, determined and excited.

Oh, well. Now that I think of it, all of this was probably a part of the mood swings she goes through. I bet she'll forget all of this by breakfast time.

Yeah, nothing to worry about.

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A/N :

Hi there, thank you for taking the time to read my new diary styled new ChickLit series:

"The Diaries of an Older Collegiate"(#TheFreshman).

If this chapter ignited an interest for this series, please let me know by reblogging or sending me a message. It helps a lot and keeps me motivated. Till then stay healthy :)

Love and Kisses,

D <3

[kookix]

All works belong to me - © all rights reserved to @kookix. Please respect this and do not repost or translate any of my work. Thank you :)

Planning the perfect proposal was a dumb idea.

Or when you ruin his proposal.

Paring - Yoongi x reader

Genre - Extreme fluff

Warnings - Minor swearing

Word count - 1.2k

A/n - Anything underlined you can click on :)

Yoongi never felt the need to flash his relationship in other people's faces. He was quite content with it being his, he didn't need validation or a pat on the back from those who thought he was a quote on quote lucky guy. He just needed you, that being said at that moment you were approximately five thousand miles away from him - no more than a week ago you'd up and left to go visit your parents. And he'd be lying if he said that the video calls and text messages were enough for him. They weren't the same as having you right there with him, curled up in his arms with one of his loose fitted t-shirts hanging off your frame as he stared at you in adoration. It really wasn't the same…

Still, there was no way that he's was going call you and demand you come home - you deserved this alone time with your family. You hadn't seen them in person in nearly a year and there's no way Yoongi was going to take that away from you. He'd just have to wait, for now, he'd just suffer through a couple more yearning video calls and unsatisfying text messages.

One or two days had gone by since Yoongi had last - properly - spoken to you. He had been trying not to count them, especially since the days had been moving agonizingly slowly. Obviously, Yoongi's physical ability to function without you was fine, he didn't need you to breath, or exist per se...But, he did need you for one particular reason.

His proposal.

For months he'd had it all planned, right down to the tiniest detail, everything was perfect. Well...Was being the keyword here - his plan had gone up in flames the moment you had informed him of your surprise visit home. And unlike his plan, yours was a complete impulse, you hadn't even really thought it through before you left. All he knew was that the day you had come home and bought your plane ticket, you had this flare and determination rooted in your gaze. You didn't explain where it had come from and he hadn't asked. He'd just pulled on a tight smile as he listened to you practically burst with warmth as you spoke about seeing your little brother, mum and dad again 'for the first time in forever'.

It was unfortunate really. Even at this time, he was twiddling the engagement ring between his fingers; thinking about how he would propose when you got back. And he's definitely sure he doesn't have enough money to reschedule the non-refundable proposal he originally had planned. So the question was what would he do now?

"Ah, I don't know," he sighed, clearly frustrated. He took one more quick look at the ring placed between his fingers before he set it back in its velvet box. "How do I even find a better way to ask (y/n) to be my 'matrimonial' nap buddy?" he mumbled lowly to himself. "Nothing's going to beat the night in the glass dome," he flops back defeatedly on his sofa, covering his face as he does.

Buzz!

A small pout takes over his face - in contrast to its previous grimace - before he sits back up to glance at his buzzing phone. Oh, it was you, he noted once he picked it up, what perfect timing.

It didn't take more than two rings before you answered, the camera fumbled around in your grasp as - Yoongi could only assume - you were trying to get comfortable in a bean bag chair. "Yoonz, I've missed your face so much." You finally said once you were settled.

"Missed yours too, sweetheart, " he let out, huskily. Showing off one of his gummy smiles, only a little lazier than usual. "How's your visit?"

"It's good...," you hesitated. "Don't get me wrong I'm so happy to see my family and be back here, but…"

”But?"

"I don't know, I'm just not enjoying it as much without you." You confess, letting your teeth sink into your bottom lip. Oh, Yoongi really didn't expect that. "It's just I can't help but keep turning around to tell you something but, then I realise you're not here." You sigh, tucking some hair behind your ear. "I guess, I started to realize that I hate when I can't share things with you, I-I don't want life to be like that Yoongi." You paused. "I want to be able to share all my greatest moments with you, forever...so, Yoongi will-"

Wait- what was the going on here?! Were you proposing...?! Well, possibly you could be about to say something completely different but, the feeling Yoongi was getting in the pit if his stomach was telling him differently. His mind was reeling, more than one thing alerting it at a once. But, he's wasn't sure which one to focus on first; the deep swell in his chest or the fact that you might - potentially - be proposing to him!

"Will you-" Oh God you're stealing his proposal, why is he even surprised. "Marry me...?"

There's a long drawn out pause and Yoongi can see you, practically holding your breath as you wait patiently for him to answer. And he can also see your shoulders drop slightly when he doesn't immediately let out a giant 'yes!'. "Never mind, it's stupid-"

"No, it isn't," he stops you - and he knows if you were with him right now he would clasp your hand with so much loving intent you'd freaking melt. "Yes, I'll marry you, you idiot, I love you.' He beamed softly. " Oh, sweetheart no- don't cry," he tried to soothe you as your lip trembled and your eyes began to water.

Taking a few seconds you blinked excessively in an attempt to stop any tears."I-I'm sorry, I thought you were going to say no," you half-laughed through your teary state.

"I would never," he promised. "Even though you ruined my first proposal and stole my second one," Yoongi smirked, letting a wolfish grin play across his face. "Yep," he continued as your watery eyes started back at him in shock. "I had rented a glass dome for the night, with your favourite fake flowers, because I know you're allergic to the real ones, it was freaking beautiful!. Ah, I had so much planned." He shook his head in mock sorrow.

"Yoongi- I- fuck...I promise I'm going to make it up to you." You say, opening and closing your mouth a few more times. "I- gosh- I can't believe- wow-"

"Being my wife will be enough, " he cut you off. "plus I hadn't come up with a second proposal idea yet so you kind of...did me a favour, " Yoongi chuckled.

The words seemed so nonchalant coming from his mouth but, hearing him call you his wife that certainly hit you differently. "Oh God, I'm booking a flight home right now, I'll see you in 11 hours my husband to be!" You don't even wait for him to say goodbye before you're ending the call.

"See you in 11 hours, sweetheart," he whispers contentedly at the now blank screen of his phone.

A/n - Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed. Even though this was written by a noob. 🤧💜

[darkestdesired]

The Pain In Me

Edward Nygma (Pre!Riddler) x Sick!Reader !Romantic.

Lee x Sick!Reader !Platonic

An: This is a very special and personal request,they specifically asked for certain details.This is a lot more heavy than the stuff i usually write so i feel the need to put up warnings.

Warning: Fear of death,mentions of explicit areas of the body,mentions of surgical procedures.I am not a medical person so any of the information mentioned was found on google,I apologise ahead of time if i got any information wrong.

Request: @darkpayne234

Part 1)I would like for it to be romantic the reader lives in Lynchburg, va except that she has uterine fibroids and has to get a hysterectomy surgery done in charlottesville at the "University of Virginia Health System" hospital and she's scared to get surgery done!

Part 2)since me and my reader live in a different state, Lee gets transferred to Charlottesville to be the reader's doctor (the reader's first time meeting Lee) leading the reader to meeting Ed Nygma (before he became the riddler) for the first time! (He's her assistant since the requester thought he matched her medical expertise.)

If you told me a year ago that i would get sick,have surgery,while meeting my best friend and the man of my dreams i would have thought you were crazy.But here i am stuck in an ambulance being transferred from my home city of lynchburg to the new city of Charlottesville.

"I know mom,I'm just scared." I conveyed to my worried mother over facetime."It's going to be alright sweetie,I'm so sorry I'm not gonna make it in time." I smiled as i looked at my mother,she looked as tired as i felt."I'm telling you it's okay.My doctor said their sending a special doctor who has a high success rate and their assistant who is just as good.They told me with them conducting the surgery i have a 100% chance of success." She looked at me sadly,"My poor baby,I wish i could just trade places with you."

"Miss (L/n) we've arrived." The medic said as he opened the doors."Mom i have to go,I'll call you when I'm done." She nodded,"Alright,i love you so much (Y/n)!" I tried my best not to cry,hoping this wasn't the last time I'd see her face. "I love you too mom."

Hanging up the phone i nodded to the medic,he and the driver carefully pulled my bed out of the ambulance,putting down the wheels and pushing me towards the doors,I felt a knot in my stomach as i saw the big sign staring back at me "University of Virginia Health System" it all began to feel real as i was brought into the familiar air of a hospital,something I've been in and out of for months now.

Once being setup in my new room an older woman walked in with a kind smile."Hello miss (L/n),I am Doctor Marsha,I will be looking after you until your doctor arrives." I raised a brow,"Am i early?" She shook her head,"No my dear,we have gotten you doctor's from a city called gotham,I'm afraid with recent unfortunate events there they had a bit of trouble leaving,but it has been dealt with her assistant is actually already here.He should be up shortly." I let out the breath i didn't even realize i was holding."Thank god.." She laughed softly,"You have absolutely nothing to worry about my dear,all we need you to do is relax and let us do all the work alright? We want this procedure to be as quick and painless as possible.I am positive that once this is all over and you have healed that you won't even remember the pain." I felt my body begin to ease at that,"Thank you doctor,that really helped." She patted my hand,"Of course dear,Anything you need to make this comfortable for you."

With that she left me alone in the white hospital room,I looked around the dull walls trying to find something to distract myself with.

About 5 minutes had passed before i felt like i was going to go insane,As if god was answering my prayers there was a knock on the door.There stood a handsome man with a soft smile holding a cup,"Hello,My name is Dr.Nygma,I'll be Doctor Lee's assistant during the surgery.I uh..Brought you some Gatorade." I smiled at him and carefully took the cup from him."Thanks doc." He chuckled and checked my IV.

"If you don't mind i would like to do a few tests." I jumped slightly when i heard Edwards voice suddenly next to me."Oh uh..sure go ahead." He nodded and pulled out his stethoscope,putting them in his ears before placing the cold one on my chest,"Do you not have any family coming miss (L/n)?" He suddenly asked,"Well my family got busy and i assured them i would be okay,But... to be honest I'm terrified." He raised a brow as he removed the stethoscope from his ears."What do you mean?" I placed my hand gently on my abdomen."Well i never really thought i was ever gonna have a hysterectomy I'd laugh in your face.I mean..i know the cons and the pros..like never having periods again can be counted as a pro,along with the fibroids not coming back,But it's terrifying.I mean there's always that worry that what if something goes wrong or the fibroids are worse than you thought.But i just can't keep living with the pain anymore..." He looked at me sadly."Forgive me if I'm being forward,But i find you extremely brave.It can be terrifying going under the knife,Yes there are those small chances but when you compare it to how much better you're going to feel and how amazing life is going to be without that worry burning itself into your brain isn't it worth the risk?" I felt tears prick my eyes causing him to panic,"Miss (L/n)! Did i say something wrong?!" I laughed messily as i tried to wipe away the tears."No far from it,I didn't realize how much i needed to hear that Edward.I just met you and i already like you." I smiled at him.

His words made me feel like i could face anything,he was right there's always going to be risks but the outcome will be worth it.

He felt his chest squeeze by how beautiful i looked in that moment,my tearfilled (E/c) eyes glimmered in the light,My (H/l) (H/c) hair was messy yet showed off the beautiful features along my face like a halo. "Please call me (Y/n)." His lips pulled into the first smile I've seen on his handsome face,I felt like puddy on the blankets as he gently brushed his hand in a calming manner on my head as if he were petting me.It was surprisingly calming and almost made me fall asleep before Lee walked in,"Only if you call me Edward." He said barely noticing that he had taken my hand in his. "So..are you seeing anyone?" I asked as nonchalantly as possible. He smirked at my obvious flirting. "Well that all depends." I raised a brow. "Depends on what?" He leaned in close."If i can get your number after this." I felt as if my face was going to explode. "I-I..um.."

"I am so sorry for the Delay miss (L/n),I'm Doctor Lee,and i can see you've already met my assistant.Edward can you stop flirting with the patient and go prep,you know how i like my tools more than those nurses." Edward's face was as red as mine as he cleared his throat.He sent me an apologetic smile before hurrying off ahead of us once Lee and a few nurses were pushing my bed towards the ER.

"He's cute isn't he?" She said with a smirk causing my eyes to widen."Excuse me?" She chuckled."Edward,He is cute right? Plus he's damn good at his job and is a complete gentleman." I felt my (S/c) cheeks heat up. "I-I..um..oh geez..." She laughed,"Don't worry,I'll be your wingman..well WingDoctor." I rolled my eyes but couldn't hide the smile pulling at my lips. ".....He is cute.." She smirked."See,that's the spirit."

The surgery was a complete success with no hiccups,Both doctors prided themselves in being the best.

Although i felt like a truck had hit me as the medications began taking affect,i almost missed when Edward walked in with a tray of food."Hey (Y/n),How are you feeling?" He asked softly as he set the food down on a table next to the bed before scootching a chair closer. "Like I'm dying." I groaned causing him to chuckle."The medication should be kicking in any minute now that you're awake.Do you feel ok enough to eat? Dr.Lee sent me up with some broth." I nodded."Yea but i don't think i can lift my arm yet." I said but Edward had already begun lifting a spoonful to my mouth."Open up love." I felt my face flush at how comfortable he was already.i smiled to myself as i allowed him to spoon feed me the deliciously warm broth.

Lee smiled as she watched the scene from the doorway,we were in our own little world. She smiled as she watched her friend finally allow someone in,she could see this was far more than a doctor-patient comfort.She shook her head and quietly shut the door,turning to see Doctor Marsha walking her way."I've come to check on-" Lee held up a hand,"Not right now,let them be." Doctor Marsha glanced through the window before giggling. The two doctors smiled to themselves as they watched a strong new love form.

Who knew what the future had in store.