#i'm just some guy

[little-pup-pip]

25 Days of Agere Moodboards! Day 20: My Gender!!

[zarekthelordofthefries]

I actually do think computers are a little bit alive, but not in a "wow the generative AIs are becoming people" kind of way. If I were to compare modern AI to any living organism, it wouldn't be a human or any other type of animal, it would be more like what would happen if you laid out food on a flat surface in such a way that you got a slime mold to spread itself into the shape of the word "hello."

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

By the way if you follow me and don't introduce yourself, so that I have to go looking through your blog to see if you are somebody I want following me, and I see herit/agepo/sts within the first few reblogs?

Instant block. I do not care. There are too many people following this blog for my comfort anyway.

(Nothing against my current followers - love y'all, truly - it's just that there are a lot of you and I am shy, awkward, and anxious.)

[dudeshusband]

genuinely it makes me feel better knowing about dean's flaws (well, what little i can really know without knowing him)

[janetbrown711]

See, I know objectively tumblr is for "the inner mind" but bro I have no idea whats going on in there other than fukin TIRED

[vanguard-if]

mini Vanguard update because i am illiterate without autocorrect

hi it's just as the title says...i absolutely cannot be trusted to write without autocorrect. an incredible user on instagram DMd me and pointed out the grammatical mistakes that my eyes missed, so big thank you to them!!

hopefully i've fixed them all, if not, feel free to DM me. on instagram (@jayeeish) or here is fine also!

also, just out of curiosity, there has been an issue with the character creator. specifically, with traits that have the customizable "other" option where you can input your own text. for example, eye colour, wing colour, horn colour. if you've had problems with your selected option coming up as the default text in the "other" textbook (such as Horn colour horns in the story) could you please let me know in the poll below? thanks so much!!

-jaye

[tchaikovsgay]

I used to think you some scary blogger who I could never attain to match up to, or talk to.

But being away for..... 6 years from this hellsite and coming back made me realize you're just a really cool person that happened to like the same things.

So hi. Thank you for still being here :)

that used to be a really common thing!! i also took a break from tumblr for a few years and I'm glad i came back "less scary" this time lol. glad to see another long time mutual rise from the dead!!

[himi-wiz]

-making commitments to do something (learn a skill, pick up a new interest, finish your personal project) but never doing it because you keep forgetting to scrap up the time to stick to it and it has been XX years...

-doing something and realising you have already done it. cool! so wait, what are you supposed to do after this?

-wondering why you feel shitty because surely you didn't even do anything! (turns out you can't remember how you've been anxious about a negative interaction that happened or an event that utterly wrecked your social battery but you forgot about it)

-what are dates? you have no concept of time

-you don't have memories. not much beyond significant moments that you loathed and regretted and are forced to fixate over for feeling like you've failed. but there are some nice moments like how that friend made you smile by sending a cute picture and let you sit by your side or that you had enjoyed how the cool breeze felt brushing against your face.

-you're forced to live in the moment. you don't remember a thing about the past and it's good because you can't remember how awful you should feel. but it's not good either because you can't look back and see and compare yourself and how much you have grown. you feel like you haven't changed when everyone else have. so who are you now?

-you know you should be doing something but don't remember what and it's going to kill you trying to remember this. you don't have enough energy to spare punching yourself over this so hopefully it's not that important? (it was.)

-forgetting is good sometimes. it's far easier to forget, then rediscover and relearn how much you loved something like a forgotten time capsule or a childhood treasure chest buried in the sandbox. trying out old nostalgic things is very much intertwined in your life.

-the inability to retain information and the frustration that comes with it. you know this, you should know this but as you scavenge the disjointed space that is your brain, there's no salvageable knowledge you can use.

-are you sure you're remembering this right? you're sure... you were sure... and now you're not.

-imagine drinking water regularly. or eating. showering or sleeping early when you promised yourself you should. (please set timers or like get people to remind you of this/support each other in reminding with friend circles)

-you don't enjoy being doubted but it's difficult not to believe and it hurts when people lose hope and trust in you because you do have a history of not performing well... ehe. well it's find you'll forget the stress and upset about this too.

-there's always this underlying sensation of horror of being left behind. does anyone in your life need you? how could they actually love you but you couldn't remember to love them? the world will go on without you, you can go on without the things you claim you needed. what makes you any special, any valuable to anyone when you don't remember how to value anything?

-i'm sorry i forgot whatever we had done together. i'm sorry i couldn't remember how you fulfilled me. i'm sorry i forgot that you exist. i didn't mean to, i promise. it's just that i turn around and i can't remember your presence, the fact that you exist and are a part of my life i should look forward to. but i will remember the sensation of being loved and doted on once. i think. I'm sure I would.

-you are never whole. you get the sense that you can't be when you see the heinous voids in your vision of yourself and your history that you can't remember how to feel about it. and that's unusual compared to the rest of the world with such clear clarity of themselves so much you feel like an outsider.

-you're still here regardless. you still can't remember a lot of things and don't think you'll fully understand the impact this has on your life, how much this will cost you — a test paper, an appointment, a job offer, a friendship... but hey, you will live. you'll smile at the funny post you'll see, the scene from your favourite show play out with flashy graphics and you remember to be hyped about it again, the wind caressing at your face feels really nice. and you think, motivated — that maybe you should work on something you'll need to improve.

and it's a cycle you have to practice to get better at managing you.

is it good? is it bad? how is your life now? how are you supposed to feel about it? that's up to you to decide. you tried to yesterday, you'll fumble around today, and you'll continue to keep living again tomorrow.

Also fun fact, I have been diagnosed with adhd and I believe I have aphantasia (lack of visual imagery — and no, assuming that you could because you can associate things with other words is not visualising them) so double whammy on not remembering things via images or visually but more sensations and scenarios. You might want to note and check for these ehe~ ☆

“shitty memory” aesthetic

-giving ur friends the same information over and over because u forgot u ever gave it to them

-opening up a new text post only to forget what u were going 2 say

-never changing a wall calendar/needing to look up what day of the week something will be

-literally not being able to remember what happened yesterday/an hour ago/five minutes ago

-forgetting where ur going/what ur doing in the middle of doing it

-flipping through the beginning of a book because u forgot some characters and plot development

-making a typo, make a mental note to fix it, get up to do something, keep typing without fixing the typo

-”haha ur memory cant be THAT bad”

-it can be

-reminding urself 2 do something but u forget

-writing reminders, forgetting that u wrote a reminder/forgetting what was on the reminder/forgetting where u put the reminder

-”just put something in ur room out of place before u go 2 sleep” and ur room has so much shit on the floor u wouldnt even be able 2 tell whats out of place

-alternately: doing the above and then forgetting what it was supposed to remind u of

-did that happen or was i dreaming

-i was gonna put something here but i FORGOT it and i HATE it

[inkskinned]

she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.

my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.

my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.

my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.

at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.

my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.

i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.

two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.

it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.

[wolfram-blorbos]

.

[outeremissary]

would love to know who made me green

[gaymothman]

I'd encourage anyone who's looking for a community to research their city/town's local community groups/outreach programs/volunteer organizations etc.! Options will definitely vary depending on if you are in a more urban area vs suburbs vs rural, but getting involved with any local volunteer organization can give you a much larger sense of your community's size and needs, you will get to work alongside likeminded people, and if it's charity orgs you'll be giving back and doing good for your community too! The biggest thing is you will meet so many new people!

Also, this may be more for people that live in cities/larger towns, but checking out local art and music venues imo can also really soothe some of that loneliness cuz you're all experiencing the same art together. Lots of times local art galleries feature local upcoming artists and will host opening events and sometimes artist lectures (usually for free depending on where you live (and sometimes w free catering)), and small music venues will host all sorts of local musicians with cover charges ranging ($0-$20, usually around $10).

Also, I know it feels weird, but you can talk to your neighbors! Leave them a note or introduce yourself, learn their name and try to chat with them when you see them. I think one of the larger erasures of community has actually been at a neighborhood level because our generation was never really exposed to the importance the most immediate community to us (the folks next door) vs the obsession with privacy and individualism.

Lastly, if you are part of a minority group, find out if you have a local community group and figure out what that group has to offer. Whether that's hosted events, resources, volunteer opportunities, etc. Connecting with that group can be incredibly rewarding in terms of cultural community but also incredibly important in identifying important resources within your city or town available to you that you may not even know about.

Obviously these aren't options everywhere and won't work for everyone, but it's what I can think of that has helped me personally find a deeper sense of community in my home city.

i am so serious when i say we as young adults are so starved and deprived of community

[what-am-i-doing-in-this-fandom]

I am such a big Werewolf Stan advocate I had to jump on this particular train 🙏 (but I didn't really wanna commit to full line art, you guys understand)

Oh, and you guys aren't gonna believe this, but here's part two 🙌

[egophiliac]

buckle up lads we're going BACK INTO THE BOOK

[dogearedheart]

I am new in the whole tumblr game, but I really like your blog and would love to be your friend/mutual...I am too shy tho :(

hey anon,

I am glad you're enjoying my blog so far! You can always send me a dm. It might not seem like it but I don't bite

[mxxnpills]

me: *clicks the link* "pretty sure I'm going to get the brig"

me: *gets the brig* ",,,hoLY SHIT"

btw love the test erin<3 ty.

hi i made a uquiz... please take it