#low functioning phantasia

[himi-wiz]

-making commitments to do something (learn a skill, pick up a new interest, finish your personal project) but never doing it because you keep forgetting to scrap up the time to stick to it and it has been XX years...

-doing something and realising you have already done it. cool! so wait, what are you supposed to do after this?

-wondering why you feel shitty because surely you didn't even do anything! (turns out you can't remember how you've been anxious about a negative interaction that happened or an event that utterly wrecked your social battery but you forgot about it)

-what are dates? you have no concept of time

-you don't have memories. not much beyond significant moments that you loathed and regretted and are forced to fixate over for feeling like you've failed. but there are some nice moments like how that friend made you smile by sending a cute picture and let you sit by your side or that you had enjoyed how the cool breeze felt brushing against your face.

-you're forced to live in the moment. you don't remember a thing about the past and it's good because you can't remember how awful you should feel. but it's not good either because you can't look back and see and compare yourself and how much you have grown. you feel like you haven't changed when everyone else have. so who are you now?

-you know you should be doing something but don't remember what and it's going to kill you trying to remember this. you don't have enough energy to spare punching yourself over this so hopefully it's not that important? (it was.)

-forgetting is good sometimes. it's far easier to forget, then rediscover and relearn how much you loved something like a forgotten time capsule or a childhood treasure chest buried in the sandbox. trying out old nostalgic things is very much intertwined in your life.

-the inability to retain information and the frustration that comes with it. you know this, you should know this but as you scavenge the disjointed space that is your brain, there's no salvageable knowledge you can use.

-are you sure you're remembering this right? you're sure... you were sure... and now you're not.

-imagine drinking water regularly. or eating. showering or sleeping early when you promised yourself you should. (please set timers or like get people to remind you of this/support each other in reminding with friend circles)

-you don't enjoy being doubted but it's difficult not to believe and it hurts when people lose hope and trust in you because you do have a history of not performing well... ehe. well it's find you'll forget the stress and upset about this too.

-there's always this underlying sensation of horror of being left behind. does anyone in your life need you? how could they actually love you but you couldn't remember to love them? the world will go on without you, you can go on without the things you claim you needed. what makes you any special, any valuable to anyone when you don't remember how to value anything?

-i'm sorry i forgot whatever we had done together. i'm sorry i couldn't remember how you fulfilled me. i'm sorry i forgot that you exist. i didn't mean to, i promise. it's just that i turn around and i can't remember your presence, the fact that you exist and are a part of my life i should look forward to. but i will remember the sensation of being loved and doted on once. i think. I'm sure I would.

-you are never whole. you get the sense that you can't be when you see the heinous voids in your vision of yourself and your history that you can't remember how to feel about it. and that's unusual compared to the rest of the world with such clear clarity of themselves so much you feel like an outsider.

-you're still here regardless. you still can't remember a lot of things and don't think you'll fully understand the impact this has on your life, how much this will cost you — a test paper, an appointment, a job offer, a friendship... but hey, you will live. you'll smile at the funny post you'll see, the scene from your favourite show play out with flashy graphics and you remember to be hyped about it again, the wind caressing at your face feels really nice. and you think, motivated — that maybe you should work on something you'll need to improve.

and it's a cycle you have to practice to get better at managing you.

is it good? is it bad? how is your life now? how are you supposed to feel about it? that's up to you to decide. you tried to yesterday, you'll fumble around today, and you'll continue to keep living again tomorrow.

Also fun fact, I have been diagnosed with adhd and I believe I have aphantasia (lack of visual imagery — and no, assuming that you could because you can associate things with other words is not visualising them) so double whammy on not remembering things via images or visually but more sensations and scenarios. You might want to note and check for these ehe~ ☆

“shitty memory” aesthetic

-giving ur friends the same information over and over because u forgot u ever gave it to them

-opening up a new text post only to forget what u were going 2 say

-never changing a wall calendar/needing to look up what day of the week something will be

-literally not being able to remember what happened yesterday/an hour ago/five minutes ago

-forgetting where ur going/what ur doing in the middle of doing it

-flipping through the beginning of a book because u forgot some characters and plot development

-making a typo, make a mental note to fix it, get up to do something, keep typing without fixing the typo

-”haha ur memory cant be THAT bad”

-it can be

-reminding urself 2 do something but u forget

-writing reminders, forgetting that u wrote a reminder/forgetting what was on the reminder/forgetting where u put the reminder

-”just put something in ur room out of place before u go 2 sleep” and ur room has so much shit on the floor u wouldnt even be able 2 tell whats out of place

-alternately: doing the above and then forgetting what it was supposed to remind u of

-did that happen or was i dreaming

-i was gonna put something here but i FORGOT it and i HATE it

[eternal-work-in-progress]

A Letter For The Dead.

“The Filii Blue…. We call them the Guards. Actually, they called themselves the Guards first; we only followed their lead. While Filii Indigoska maintain the four realms, the Filii Blue protect and care for the cores that arrive. The World Beyond is a realm unlike anything else in our universe. Its maximum energy capacity is so low that only a Filius’ core can make it through the Middle World’s gate. Except, to be Guards, the Filii Blue decided they need some kind of solid form, and now, we call them Wisps. Their forms are so delicate that few of them can survive in any other realm before being crushed. But they are powerful and functional in the World Beyond.

Unfortunately, this means that their cores are not strong enough to persist after death in the same way that other Filii with proper solid forms can.

Their cores will instead fall to the ground and wedge themselves into the earth. And from their landing spot sprouts a large blue crystal. It is night unbreakable. A natural and permanent tombstone. Luckily, although they can be killed, the Filii Blue cannot die in a ‘natural’ or ‘traditional’ sense. And it is very, very difficult to harm or murder a Filius Blue….

So… when I discovered… a forest of blue crystals in the World Beyond’s fields, I felt sick. Worse, some of the crystals had been shattered. I had stumbled my way into a span of desecrated corpses while seeking refuge. There were weapons and shields that littered the ground. And in the distance, there was a roar.

I saw the Soulstice that day. There were so many eyes…

I cannot take these memories. I cannot take this loneliness any longer. No realm is safe anymore. I am sorry to my people, but there is nothing I can do to continue us.

Find me with Phantasia.

Filius Lila: Einarr Förlorat”

[whaleofatjme1920]

Ohoho,, so I have been meaning to hop in here to explain something.

So it's gonna come to shocker to you (maybe I feel like you may know this) but probably to most people that follow you. That is not normal to vividly see like images in your head and/or the complete opposite of that and not seeing any. The first one is called hyperphantasia and the other is aphantasia. Here is a little like scale to show it

Most people actually see in common phantasia or low functioning phantasia.

Personally for me I have hyperphantasia,, like I can graphically describe you like a setting just off of giving me an word because of how clearly it forms in my head.

There's an estimate statistic that only 2.6% have Hyperphantasia while 0.7% have Aphantasia.

I just find this something super cool about myself to explain because like reading I'm legit having an movie unfold in my head and I can like almost be there in an sense as an side character watching. It's also really fun to have when it comes to day dreaming too. I feel like it plays it why I probably make an good writer too.

I have a friend that has aphantasia, and I believe my father has it too, or a low functioning type. They say they’ve always heard the “imagine a beach/your happy place” as a literal saying and not something we can actually do.

I cannot imagine not seeing a full drama or legitimate movies in my head when I write. That’s legitimately the only way I get it done. Idk, if any of y’all have aphantasia tell me what that’s like. There’s a whole subreddit for this and it’s kinda fascinating imo. I wonder why some people can vividly see things and others can’t.