#i truthfully dont know why anyone thought i was cool

[tchaikovsgay]

I used to think you some scary blogger who I could never attain to match up to, or talk to.

But being away for..... 6 years from this hellsite and coming back made me realize you're just a really cool person that happened to like the same things.

So hi. Thank you for still being here :)

that used to be a really common thing!! i also took a break from tumblr for a few years and I'm glad i came back "less scary" this time lol. glad to see another long time mutual rise from the dead!!

[aiyexayen]

you NEED to tell me all your thoughts and the bts process of Everything You‘re Not Supposed To Do. and i know youre dabbling in a sequel so probably more like tell me Everything that has to do with this verse!!!! i NEED to know!!! the idea of this fic is so unique, i havent seen it anywhere else before! and its ingredients are so precisely and carefully mixed (as all your rarepairs are!) that im astonished its not ,, canon ,,

its such a cool set-up! lqq joining tianchuang, lqq seeking out siji manor years after qin huaizhang teaches her his disguise skills but finding an abandoned estate, han ying going from wariness to desire and affection for lqq! everything thats going on with zzs in the background and that we dont get to see!!!!!!! there are two moments of this AU that are burned into my mind—one is lqq reflecting on her own disappointment at finding what she hoped to maybe become her new home abandoned, the other is zzs realizing he has been outsmarted and giving in to his fate. idk why but these two moments moved me very deeply. the image of lqq taking qhz up on his invitation, but too late. finding only withered grounds, empty houses, dust. and then zzs surrendering to the fact that he has been outsmarted. that his two disciples turned what he taught them against him, that he lost because he, too, is human. the only reason they could outsmart him in the first place being that he let them so close to him, that he underestimated what he means to them, what they are ready to do for him. eugh!!!!! so good!!!

please ramble! i loved reading your thoughts re: The Only Place You Wanna Be! <3

ooouhoohoohooheehee i love this fic (Everything That You're Not Supposed To Do) and thinking about it and talking about it.

starting by dragging a point over from ao3 about having a difficult time believing zhou zishu would go that far in some of the scenes! because i actually had such a fascinating time myself playing with just how far i thought zhou zishu would go. how far would he push liu qianqiao and han ying? how hard would he make them work? as his lovers? as his subordinates? as the sole occupants of the venn diagram where those two circles overlap in such a complicated way. they're so *entangled.*

zhou zishu, of the infamously soft heart. zhou zishu, who knows this about himself and becomes colder and harder to compensate. zhou zishu, who murdered an innocent family down to the servants, down to a little girl he *knew* and cared about. zhou zishu, who drugged his san-shidi to keep him out of the way during that mission--to keep him safe from it--to keep him safe from the worst of tian chuang--to keep him safe from zhou zishu himself.

and i feel like the zishu in this story does a lot to keep both his family and his lovers out of the depths of his business, but while his family/sect he'll do more to protect, he *needs* his lovers to be able to protect themselves.

he'll go harder on them than anyone else because he needs them to be *the best*--no mistakes. no way they can be his weakness and vice versa.

or, at least, that's what liu qianqiao would tell you.

but a very delightful bit of ambiguity i have in this particular fic is pov. we never get zhou zishu's pov. *is* he so ruthless? how many backup plans on backup plans does he have? is he in the shadows after all, waiting to swoop in if they need him? does he retain much awareness and empathy for their humanity? has his own human fallibility projected inhuman standards on them to make himself feel safe, and it simply hasn't backfired yet? is it some jumbled mix of the above?

and! i love that we will never know. that, truthfully, we don't even need to.

anyway! all that was a big part of the bts process, sitting with zishu's character and his headspace in tian chuang, sitting with my pov characters and how i wanted to play with this perspective on it all.

and of course, as always, thinking about liu qianqiao. the idea that a choice that in another au might have been kinder to her than gui gu--to study further under qin huaizhang among the blossoms of siji shanzhuang--ends up merely being complicated in a different way.

something that still requires her to become the best at what she does, rise in the ranks, thrive in danger, make a home only out of the people she can trust.

going to gui gu ought to have her letting go of her obsessions and hurts, but it was never really good at what it wanted to be good at, this concept of second chances missing the mark with its meng po tang, and so it only let her steep in her hurts longer and let her grudges fester. meanwhile this other path both took her further away from the jianghu and required her to actually deal with her shit besides. there was enough of qin huaizhang's legacy, especially in some of the older members of siji shanzhuang that were definitely still around when she joined, to make that true.

i also like to think that in essence liu qianqiao's original choice set her up for more success, too.

in canon, in choosing to become a ghost, she chose to die in a sense, to stop living, but to become a ghost--a permanently frozen echo of the life she had lived up to that point, of the things that killed her.

because humans be human, she went on to still form relationships and find new purpose to an extent. but she didn't necessarily actively expect or want to, and her very identity as a ghost required her to always have the clinging cobwebs of her past laid over everything she did and planned and wanted.

but in choosing to go after qin huaizhang, she was *choosing* to live. she decided that she still had the capacity to be a person, to heal, to find meaning in living. and even if that road took her first to disappointment and then to tian chuang of all places, it still took her somewhere. and she was ready to embrace whatever it was she found.

i have a fondness for canon liu qianqiao and her role as yan gui and her relationship with luo fumeng and xie-wang and her tortuous journey through the weeds with yu qiufeng, trying to sort out and settle these matters that weighed on her too long in her state of self-imposed death.

but i'm also *so* compelled by a liu qianqiao, with all her passion and ambition and cleverness and *care*, who chose to live in that one crucial moment instead. and i just wanted very badly to see her reaction to and influence on a zhou zishu who was rapidly approaching his own choice on that matter.

anyhow! i am indeed working on a sequel to this fic. i haven't fully decided if i want to try another 5+1 things format for it, or if i want to explore zhou zishu's pov as well, or what.

but it will pick up right where the first one leaves off, with all the dramatic fallout of liu qianqiao's plan.

here's hoping it doesn't take too long to actually write 😅

[hazels-nut]

Sometimes it feels incredibly lonely to be an aroace girl that is sex favorable and also not romance averse. Sure, in praxis it appears that i am simply bi, or pan, or sapphic. I have a girlfriend, i have sex, I’ve been on dates and had hookups w people all genders. But i can’t identify with any of those groups. It doesnt click internally.

Sure I’m sexual(sometimes hypersexual). But its never directed AT anyone or anything. If i feel sexual, maybe i will seek out someone that i can be sexual with. And this choice will generally be based on aesthetic attraction as well as general vibes from whoever, but ive never seen/thought about someone and went “damn i wanna fuck THEM.” Its just that i internally feel sexual and find a way to release that with another person. Bc that feels awesome (usually).

So my experience has some superficial resemblance to the allo experience but its NOT how i truthfully experience the world. And then it’s hard to be out and open with other aspecs bc the prevailing aroace narrative seems to be “I’m not attracted to anyone in any way. I dont want any sex or a relationship.” Which is hella cool and completely valid but thats not me either! I feel trapped in this between space that only i inhabit.

I want to be able to feel what allos feel. I want to know what thats like and live my life like them. Or at least I’d love to not have my libido or to be sex and romance averse and live that way. Lesbians, bisexuals, pansexuals, other aspecs etc. can talk about their experiences and find common ground and community. Why cant i?

[erectedingold]

You can love anyone.

I truthfully feel you can love anyone. Despite any differences that the both of you may have. I think if you feel a connection with someone then there IS that connection. I don't know. Maybe I'm a fool for thinking that way, maybe I'm naive.

I just think there's a lot more too it than just "there's some differences" like I could love someone the complete opposite of me. Someone so different that never in a million years anyone could imagine me with them. I've done it before, & I sure could do it again. Because love is this feeling you get with someone. Love is a best friend. Love is them understanding who I am. I don't know. I think preferences are stupid. I think the "right" person doesn't exist. I think you'll never have someone that's perfect (?) I think anyone you love you'll have things that you both have differences in. Maybe I like to paint & they don't, maybe I like to make videos & they dont, MAYBE I like to watch 3 hour movies & they don't. But that's okay! I want my partner to be my best friend. but best friends don't do everything together. & that's okay.

I don't even want to date again. I think about it & get a pit in my stomach. I just want friends that LOVE me. & I'll love them back. I want to make chicken noodle soup for them when they're sick, or bake muffins & just bring it to them for fun! because why not!!

But all my best friends aren't like me? they never will be. & that's okay. sure there are people i don't exactly VIBE with. y'know? but like then I wouldn't want to be friends with them. which means I wouldn't want to love them.

I just think friendship is a solid base for a relationship. if you have friendship, they show that they care for you then... I can love you.

I kind of long for romantic love but also don't. The thought of being tied to someone again & having to drop friends, or sacrifice my passions for them makes me shutter. I only have done that for one person. Gave them a piece of my heart, dropped my friends, & also was so willing to not go to college for them so that we could be together. Sends a shiver down my spine & makes me want to throw up. Never again. Or at least not for a while.

I'd be fine if I died a yearning artist. That's cool I guess.

[gavinsmg24]

I’m gonna respond to the most recent one first baby. Meaning what you just said❤️‍🔥 I know you shouldn’t.. but. Idk. Obviously I’m lovey. N cuddling and hugs and such are flirty n lovey. But also. I am your friend too! You’re someone I care about. So. I know it doesn’t change things. But. I just want you happy n safe and loved. And I’m sure you are! Even thru the bad. For example we had bad times. And. Looking back then. Maybe you would feel how you feel about current partner about me. Like. Idk. It’s hard to be with someone every single day. Like Ben n chase. Love em to death. Irritate the shit outta me sometimes. But I know I do too. It’s just like. Everyone is so different it’s so hard to live with someone else’s routines n habits especially if they effect your own. And like. Not trying to be negative about us. I know good n bad come with everything. But like. I’m not sure if you would consider our bad times as bad as your current partners. Not that I want you to answer that cuz that’s a big thing to compare. Plus all people are different. Anyways. I may seem like an angel and lovely etc. just compared to your current partner. (Maybe just now idk about the soo the time) anyways. What I’m saying is. Yoh left for a variety of reasons. And even tho I know it was hard on us both. I Definitely know we were having a rough time. But. That’s also bcuz we had been together day after day. And that’s why it’s nice to live alone sometimes. It’s sucks. Bcuz. I dont wanna be alone. But I wanna be alone 😂 I feel like that’s such a reality. At least for me. I’d love to be back living alone but also thinking about it I dont. It’s nice to have silly interactions with other people. Walking out of my room just to flip chase off then go back. It’s just silly stuff. Rambling!!

My main point of all that was. It makes me immensely happy the things your saying. And yes. Maybe you shouldn’t say it. But. Idk. Your mental state is more important. Which is selfish to say but also. Legit! If your not happy n sad and all the other stuff I skimmed (and will read eventually) then you deserve some form or dopamine relief. And im sorry that it has to be me! (That’s me being silly. I’m sure you could get by without me. In fact I know it. Bcuz that’s life. We live and roll with the punches!) (And your strong, cool, great personality, lovey and caring. Truthfully baby! I’m sure you could be anyones perfect princess! You just need a king who deserves all your amazing ness!)

Rambles! Goodness! (Don’t feel like your rambles make me ramble. You know even when you don’t say anything I can go on! You saying stuff just makes it easier for me to say things bcuz I can just respond to you 🙈)

But. Yes. The past and rose tinted glass. I kinda went into the past talking about living alone n such. But like I know how you feel. Like. Maybe the way you’ve been feeling and so on is making it easier to imagine what it would be like if we were still hanging and enjoying each other’s company. It might cloud the arguments and other bad times (not trying to be negative just trying to say that. Partner maybe be meh rn. And it may be easier to enjoy the thought of me. Bcuz! I’m not there. Yanno? Like truthfully we won’t know unless that day comes but. It’s also possible that. In a timeline that we’re still together / get back together that we’d resort back to negative feelings. But at the same time. I loved you then. I love you now and I always will. I just enjoy making you happy. And knowing your happy and well. I’m just a lovey person. And you’re my princess! Blah blah blah ramblinggg!

Gonna flip to the frito thing bcuz I’ve rambled a lot here. I feel it baby. Wanting to go back to what we once did. Like I’d love to be back at my old FedEx. 10x better than this one. But also. Then I wouldnt be here. And for you like your strong but also any physical job has it’s negative effects on the body. So. Im glad your not doing that. But also do what you want! I just didn’t like that job for you only bcuz your manager or whatever. That dude was an unreasonable person. Not really but like. He was way to high strung n picky. Just a person who stressed people out. (Idk if I mentioned but every so often I see a frito lay box being shipped at FedEx and I think of you💘)

I’m sorry I put this at the bottom but I wanted to save the best for last 🙈😘

My H. Absolutely :,0) you know you’d wouldn’t even have to ask🙈 you could walk thru my door rn. I’d squeeze you then hold you in my arms in my bed. Squeezing each other under blankets (although onto your other question. It is warm! It’s currently 78 degrees here! So! I sometimes forget that it’s just now March! So other colder states. Are. Cold!!!) My poor chilly baby! Please! We gotta keep you warm 🥺💘 that’s right. Warmth! Sooo! Come take a nap with me. It would be so blissful. We can just sleep and feel the safe presence of each other ❤️‍🔥

This post is long! So! Enjoy your reading 🙈 I know you won’t mind anyways but imma still say this. I probably will nap here soon so I may respond to the rest when I wake up later. But of course I’ll be able to respond even if you need to delete. Normally once you post I hold onto it just so you can get rid of things if need be.. I hope that’s okay. Anyways! Ending this with!

Nap with me princess. Just sleep. And maybe cuddling 🥺🥰. I. Love. You. H. Promise I’ll respond sometime soon. I’m sure before the weekend if not during I’ll have responded to everything you’ve said (unless you say more 😉🙈) but of course. You never have to! But also. You’re just ranting sometimes 🥺 the point of the blog! I just happen to be responding to your thoughts 😖

Done! Now! I. Love you! Cutie💎

[bloodycassian]

Reader x Cassian - Hellish Prompt: Reader is an assassin/spy that was caught and azriel has spent months torturing her for information and can’t get anything out of her and cassian eventually goes to see who this assassin/spy is and the mating bond snaps and cassian beats the $hitt out of az bc of the mating bond instincts and rhys has to intervene and break up the fight (i was thinking this could switch between azriel’s POV at the start and then switch to cassian's POV)

AN- this was SO fun to make. Please more requests like this!! I love the idea of unexpected mates!

TW -blood/ blades.  

Drip, drip, drip. Copper smell filled the small room. Blood leaked down the drain in the floor. You wheezed a laugh bitterly and spat on the ground at his feet. Azriel's rage simmered calmly under his dark shadows. They coiled, ready to strike. Wanting to strike. The sound of your feeble laughs was practically the only sound Azriel had gotten from you for the first week of torture.  The second week was worse, even for him. Truth teller revealed nothing when he gouged into your skin from the bottom up. Truthfully, he was impressed beyond measure. But that didnt mean that he could stop the job at hand. He had to know, and wished he didnt have to do this kind of thing to get the information from you. "Listen..." He sighed, cleaning his blade. He was always nervous whenever he had a back turned to an enemy, no matter how well they were restrained. But he trusted his shadows enough to tell him if something was wrong.  "If you just.. Cooperate and tell me where the Queens are, we can let you go. No trouble, just releasing you back to Rask." He tried to keep his tone neutral, but he was nearing an exhaustion point. Torture every day for two weeks had its toll not only on the victim, but the dealer as well. His shadows seemed to be growing restless too, waiting for a chance to strike.  He watched your reaction from the corner of his eye. Noted the way your head hanging loosely seemed to gain a bit more strength before you spoke. "Losing your touch, Spymaster?" You revealed a row of bloody teeth to him, and grunted when the chains at your wrists stung the magic that weakly attempted to help you.  Azriel could have sighed. He could have laughed and bled you dry. Have a healer come and patch you up enough to keep you alive. The idea was tempting, but he didn't like having anyone besides his brothers see him in this mode of darkness. He could have brought Rhys down to attempt to break into your mind again. After the first attempt and Rhys' reaction to being blocked, he wasn't eager for that again. So he sighed, and brought out the potions laced with Faebane.  + He was convinced you weren't a normal Fae. After months of his best torture methods he was a wreck. "She just-" He tried to hide his frustration, but his brothers knew him best. Cassian smirked by the fire, warming his wings. Rhys seemed a bit more concerned, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Azriel had never been one to spend a long time on torture. Rhys saw the frustration flowing from him after every session with the stubborn Fae in the dungeon cell.  "I dont know what to do anymore. She's the only one to have never broken." He ran a hand though his hair. His shadows seemed weak, exhausted like him.  Rhys considered for a moment, looking between his two brothers. Cassian seemed to be enjoying Azriel's frustration. Maybe a bit too much. Rhys sipped his wine then, with a look of innocence, "Maybe we will have Cassian end it. Perhaps seeing the Lord of Death in front of her will knock something loose."  Cassian's stare whipped to him, a silent plea on his face. "We should leave it to our expert Rhys-" Azriel laughed, cold and bitter. "The expert hasn't got a damn thing out of her. We either kill her or send her back to Rask with all the information she's collected about us. With nothing in return." Shame lined his features. The sense of failure to his high lord was a heavy weight to bear. "Cas...I expect you down there tomorrow afternoon. It will be her last chance." Rhys' no nonsense tone shut down Cassian's retort. His jaw locked with distaste. He hated the cramped cells below the house of wind. Hated the way going underground made his wings feel like they needed to stretch. The worst was when that stale air was laced with the rotting smell of dead mice or old blood. It made his skin crawl just thinking about it.  "Come on Cas, dont you want to see the only one that's outlasted me?" Az asked with a mock grin. He couldn't give the same smile back. Turmoil spilled inside him at the thought of going so far below the mountain.  + Cassian took a long time to go to bed that night. His restlessness about the next day made him wake up over and over, never having more than an hour of peace before being waken up.  Azriel held up a mug of tea to him the next morning. "You look like shit." He handed his brother the mug with a small smile. Cassian glared at him, but took it anyway. He went to the balcony, his heavy wings needing to feel the fresh air. It was like taking a bath after being covered in grime. He sighed in relief, letting the late morning sun graze his body. The cold wind from Illyria was beginning to come in for the winter, and the familiar smell ignited something in him. He felt a draw, but shoved it to the back of his mind. He knew what he had to be this day. "Why the hell do we have to keep them so far down again?" Cassian complained. Around and around and around. Down deeper and deeper into the pit of the mountain that the house above was carved out of. Cassian felt like his lungs were collapsing the further they went. He tried not to let his nerves show, but he knew Az's shadows would pick up on it anyway.  "Remember when you broke your arm chasing down that Attor?" Azriel could have laughed at that memory, but the story surrounding it made the experience soured. More shame on top of the guilt already there.  Cassian hummed in approval, welcoming the distraction the memory brought. He tried not to focus on how each turn of the staircase got darker and darker. How the air seemed to compress around him. He locked his eyes on the scar on one of Az's wings. "And we spent a week fixing the top story of that apothecary?" He asked, keeping his voice steady.  "Yes. Dont you remember how the Attor got out?" Cassian shook his head, and Azriel huffed a laugh. "I left the door open for just a second to get a new knife and..." He shook his head, part in anger and regret, part in shame. "It had escaped before I turned around. I dont know how it happened, to this day."  Cassian stared at the back of the shadowmaster's head. The dark ripples around him seemed to spike. "It happens Az, you can't be perfect."  "It's not perfection, its basic thought. After that we moved all enemies to the lower dungeons. No matter the threat. Rhys even put wards on the arches." He ran a hand over the walls, his fingers catching a few of the grooves that linked each spelled archway to the other.  Cassian left the conversation at that. At least his brother wasn't brooding as much as before. The dim lights began to come into view, and his heart began hammering. Adrenaline singing through his veins. His polished siphons glowed, reflecting red off the dark stone ceiling. He had polished all his black armor the night before, when he couldn't sleep. Something poked, prodded at him all night. Keeping him awake. He figured he may as well make use out of it.  "She's not going to talk to you unless you show..weakness first." Azriel said in a low voice. Cassian nodded, reaching the end of the stairwell with him.  Cassian couldn't see the dark figure in the cell, but he felt the presence nonetheless. The dark draw that you demanded. He wondered how Azriel had dealt with that pull this whole time. The tantalizing draw to you. He shook his head, pushed the hair out of his face and nodded to Azriel.  He opened the door, then began his ritual. At the start of every session he would toss a bucket of water over your body, then a bucket of salt. It made the wounds that handn't healed fully scream in pain. You jolted at the suddenness of it this time. "Good morning, shadowsinger." You ground out, voice rough with strain. Cassian watched in awe at his brother.  Cassian was never one for torture. There was a reason Azriel was appointed to this position. Watching the calm cruelness of him was jarring, but Cassian kept his face straight. He stood behind you, watching the flimsy attempts to pull at the shackles holding your arms up. Lacerations dotted each arm, some light pink scars. Some were still scabbing over. A chill ran down his spine.  "You have a guest today, would you like to see him?" Azriel's voice was cool, calm. Like he was speaking orders to a group of soldiers. He began slicing new lines into your arms, moving up to your neck. He had left your ears in tact, as a last resort if you refused to speak to Cassian. The pull Cassian felt was overwhelming. He walked a bit too quickly around you, plastered on a wicked smile for show, then crouched down. The smile faded when he finally saw your face. Your dripping hair was a horror on its own. Plastered to the skeletal cheekbones, and pale eyes. Those eyes were brighter than anything he'd ever seen. A field of flowers down the slope of Illyrian mountains. His world shifted, drawing the breath from him. "Mine." His mind seemed to roar with that alone, but in a thousand different variations. "Lover, friend, partner, mine mine mine. Mate. My mate." His lips quivered with the realization. With the way his heart soared, and the way he moved without realizing it. He choked a gasp, and fell forward on his knees before you. He saw the same astonishment in your reaction. Azriel dropped his sword, confusion and concern alert on his features. "Cas wh-" Before he could finish, before his shadows could detect that Cassian had even moved, his brother was on top of him. Cassian's knuckles stung with every punch. A new kind of rage flared inside him. It made his muscles yearn for violence. Made his teeth crave the flesh of those that so much as looked at you wrong. There was no mercy for Azriel, it was as if he was an enemy on the battlefield. Cassian held nothing back. You hung limply from the chains that bound you. Crunch after crunch sounded from Azriel. He eventually managed to push Cassian off of him. Then they locked together in battle again. Clashes of armor against armor were deafening. The snarls they ripped at each other were loud enough to make you cringe. Your heart squeezed at the sounds of Cassian's breath. At the scent of blood spilling. You pulled feebly at the chains, your mind roaring to protect him.  Your mate. You tried to watch the battle, but the weakness in your body refused to let you turn more than a few inches. They were panting, Cassian fighting with a ferocity Azriel had never seen. His eyes flared with rage, like he was possessed. "Cas-" Azriel grunted, shoving his brother backwards. His back hit yours, pushing you down and digging those stone cuffs into your wrists. You hissed in pain. Cassian roared and lunged at his brother again, and again.  The darkness that boomed outside the cell was jarring. The stone ceiling shuddered, small rocks and dirt falling from it. Cassian did not stop. He didn't hesitate, coming at Azriel with punch after punch. His fist crushed the wall behind where Az's head had been. 

"Enough." The high lord's cool command was enough to make you still your weak attempts at looking at the two. Cassian's chest heaved as he tried lifting his arm to punch Az again. Pure fury in his heart was enough to make him disobey Rhysand's order.

  Then Rhys' talons gripped him. Freezing his mind, stilling him. Rhys' face shifted to surprise at what he glimpsed at there. "Oh.." He breathed. Azriel panted, backing away from his brother, out of the cell. He locked the cell and wiped the blood from himself, his wings hanging limply behind him. "What- the hell." He panted, nursing his arm. Cassian's eyes locked to your small frame. How your muscles quivered, how your arms shook with the effort of holding yourself up. He felt Rhys' claws recede slowly from his mind, releasing each part of him one by one. He rushed to you.  He picked up Azriel's sword and with a clean, masterful swipe, broke the enchanted stone that bound you. The weak sigh that came from you was heartbreaking. His eyes pricked with tears, and he caught you before you could fall to the floor into the puddle of dried blood. He didnt notice, or care that it was there. He sat there with you, cradled you and shook with you. 

"Cassian... She's.. Cassian's mate." Rhys said slowly, astonished. He didn't take his eyes from his brother in the cell. Azriel froze in place. For a moment, the dungeon was completely still. Totally silent, as if the world waited for what was to come next.

Azriel turned on a heel and left, trudging up the stairs. Rhys dared not touch his mind. "Cassian...." He spoke, trying to get his brother's attention. He did not glance at Rhys, just curled around your body more. Protecting, nesting almost. Rhys knew the feeling too well from the weeks after he and Feyre's bond snapped into place.  "We will check in tomorrow. Be safe, brother." Rhys spoke to Cassian's mind. It was nothing but an ocean of rushing thoughts. Cassian could have bared his teeth, could have tried to fight his brother through the bars of the cell. Hell, he could have probably broken through those bars with the primal strength flowing through him with the rush from the bond. 

But he didn't. He stayed, his warm body pressed against yours. Those siphons glowing against your skin like a fire. He stroked your hair soothingly, his tears like rainfall on your body, through your bloodstained clothes. He didn't remember falling asleep there, but it was the most restful, peaceful night he'd ever had in his existence. 

[reidsnose]

hair tie

overview: spencer and the reader start carpooling to work together

genre: fluff!!

a/n: i really dont know if this one is any good i just thought the idea was cute but let me know what yall think :)

masterlist

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spencer was startled by the sudden knock, guests were rare in his little apartment, let alone this early in the morning. a bit paranoid he put his hand over the gun attached to his hip, just in case.

what surprised him even more than the unexpected knock was seeing you through the peep hole when he got to the door.

"y/n? are you ok?" he worried, scanning you up and down quickly to make sure you weren't hurt.

"no um i'm ok," you nervously chewed on your lip, "i was going to call you but i don't have your cell yet. oh my gosh this is going to sound so weird."

you were relatively new to the BAU and they were all very welcoming. the only person who seemed a little bit more closed off was Spencer.

it was true, he was avoiding you a little bit, but only because you were the most beautiful human being he had ever seen; which only made you that much more intimidating. he was afraid. what if he said something stupid? what if the second he opened his mouth you started thinking he was just his IQ. but you were fully a part of the team now. he would have to at least be aquatinted with you.

"its ok, you can say it." he encouraged kindly, causing you to visibly relax.

"ok. oh before i ask i want to preface this by saying you could totally say no i completely understand its a super weird thing especially because we barely know each other." you took a breath as he nodded, a slightly amused smile toyed with his lips.

"i understand the implications. proceed." he mentally slapped himself for wording his thoughts like that.

"do you maybe.. wanna drive to work together? i heard you talking about how you take the train and i also heard that you have an aversion to germs and i drive by your apartment to get to work anyway so i-" you cut yourself off, looking up and seeing him staring at you wide eyed. "i'm sorry this is too weird i over stepped my boundaries and now you dislike me even more. i'm sorry for interrupting your morning. um, you're going to be late for work if i don't leave you alone so ill just- sorry. i'm sorry."

truthfully, this was one of the kindest things anyone has ever offered to do for him. and you offered it with genuine kindness, no ulterior motives to try and get something from him. he stood stunned. how were you so beautiful AND kind. and still somehow a little intimidating.

"we're gonna be late" he called out.

"what?" you turned, having already walked a couple steps from his apartment, your heart beating a bit faster at the sound of his voice.

"you said i'm going to be late. but were carpooling. so we'll both be late," he said matter-a-factly, grabbing his coat and satchel.

"YES!" you laughed, a cracking a wide smile and punching the air triumphantly.

you leaned against the railing of the stairs as you watched him lock up. he was tall and slender and very handsome. so handsome. not handsome like morgan, handsome in a way you were sure you'd never seen before. an incredibly unique and scarce handsomeness that only Spencer Reid had. you tried to forget those thoughts as he began walking towards you.

"i don't dislike you, by the way." he blurted as the two of you walked down the stairs. he felt bad that he made you think he isn't fond of you; the problem was he was too fond of you.

"oh! thats good i've been trying to think of every interaction we've ever had because i was afraid i might have said or done something."

"truth be told," he huffed out a breath, "i was kind of intimidated by you."

you laughed a real, genuine laugh from deep in your belly as you reached your car. the sheer coincidence of the situation as well as your entirely non intimidating nature was seriously laughable.

"you cant be serious! did Garcia tell you?" you asked, completely dumbfounded.

"tell me what?" he asked back, confusion lacing his voice.

"that i was intimidated by you!" you confessed.

"what? this guy in Texas called me a pipe cleaner with eyes! how could i have possibly intimidated you?"

he looked around your car trying to subtly profile you. thats when he noticed you had put hand sanitizer in the passenger side door. and you had pushed the seat back to accommodate for his long legs. it was just two little things, two ways you put a little extra effort in to make him feel welcome, but he was 100% positive if he thought about it too much he would cry. he felt the need to do something like this for you. not to get even or anything, but simply because he wanted to make you feel the way he felt right now.

"i don't know! you're so tall and smart and you seemed quiet but i guess thats only because you were avoiding me. are you sure garcia didnt tell you?" you laughed, watching the road.

now it was his turn to laugh, "no i swear, Garcia didn't say anything about that to me!"

The two of you continued driving, either talking or sitting in a comfortable silence. and this little carpool became a tradition. the two of you arriving and leaving work together every single day, causing the two of you to become closer.

you had to admit, every morning and evening you spent with Spencer made him just seem more and more perfect. unbeknownst to you, the exact same thing was happening with him.

he noticed, one day, as you were pulling your hair up to tie in a ponytail, your hands alternated searching your wrists for a hair tie but there wasn't one there. once he noticed it once, he started noticing it constantly. on a case, in the office, in the car, at a bar. you always seemed to forget your hair ties.

so he went to the store after you drive him home one day, and got a few packs of hair ties. after paying for them, he put one on each wrist and the rest in his satchel, so next time, when you needed one, he'd have it.

he felt like such a creep, constantly watching you to see when you would try to put your hair up. of course the rest of the team took notice, though they had noticed your obvious incline towards each other, Spencer was clearly acting a little weird.

and then it happened.

the two of you were partnered to go to the crime scene on a case, and you went to tie up your hair before you entered the scene. he could hardly contain his excitement, his mind moving a mile a minute trying to decide how he wanted to give you the hair tie. he watched one of your hands search your wrist, but this time it pulled off a little black band and started looping it around your hair.

he couldn't believe it. he finally had a chance to make you feel a portion of the way he felt when he saw your effort in making his car Spencer-friendly, and new he had to think of a new way to do it.

snap.

he looked over and saw you holding what used to be your hair tie, now no longer a band, but a completely useless elastic line.

"you've gotta be-" you muttered to yourself, but your sentence was interrupted as Spencer nonchalantly jutted his wrist towards you. "what are you doing?"

"take my hair tie." he stated simply, trying so hard not to blush. this became even harder as your fingers graced the skin of his wrist while you pulled the hair tie off.

"oh! thank you! you're a life saver!" you breathed, cracking a wide smile as you used it to tie your hair up.

you couldn't help the butterflies going absolutely insane in your stomach. why did he have a hair tie? does he tie his hair up sometimes? why have you never seen it up? you tried to suppress a smile, that would be completely inappropriate for a crime scene.

but you couldn't suppress the warm feeling in your chest. because that was always there when Spencer was around.

-

ultra mega super cool taglist:

@mac99martin @imhreid @spencersmagic @hollydaisy23 @raelady1184 @a-broken-pact @padfootswife

[aureolusfirewrites]

Here we go again

This one finally has some brooken fluff dont worry though because I'm to angst filled to have to much fluff for to long before absolutely ruining everything

Veined in Black

Chapter 3

/October 31/

Rook waited outside the door to Ben's room. After he knocked the first time and got no response his mind immediately flickered to the idea that Ben might be sick or hurt or worse but the second time he had heard some rustling and a voice call out "Just a second!" 

When Ben finally stepped out he looked great. A lot better than he had yesterday which, to be fair, wouldn't take much. He was still pale and there were still bags under his eyes but he didn't seem like he was about to fall over sick any second. "Well you are looking much better" he commented.

"Hey Rook!" Ben said cheerfully. "You ready for the Halloween party tonight!" Rook chuckled at his partner's excitement. "Indeed I am though you have not told me what you will be going as" he didn't know why Ben refused to tell him unless it was for some sort of surprise. Ben had done that before, held off information to reveal it at the right time but Rook didn't understand the importance of hiding his costume. 

"Are you coming?" Ben called running down the hallway. Rook chased after him and caught up easily. Ben never had very much luck outrunning him he was simply to short to have a lead for to long. 

"Ben where are you going?" He asked quizzically. "Well I was thinking what if instead of Bellwood we patrol undertown today" Rook quirked his head, Ben liked undertown Rook understood that but he also remembered quite clearly that Ben had been avoiding it during halloween. There were so many criminals down in undertown and when undertown did halloween they did halloween hard. 

"Why may I asked would you want to tour undertown?" Ben smiled and shook his head. "Oh c'mon Rook it's halloween think of all the cool stuff that's gonna be down there! I bet the entire city is decked out!"

He ducked and backed up as the teenager frantically waved his arms around as he talked. Rook had noticed this pattern of body language very early on in their partnership and he knew that Ben didn't notice he did so, and didn't control it either. Most of the time this led to Ben accidentally smacking his hands into Rook but he had learned how to dodge. 

"Are you sure you want to risk going to undertown today? I know you don't like to talk about it but are you not concerned about having a potential... breakdown?"

Ben stopped and put his hand up to his chin. Rook wasn't sure what he was looking at. Normally at the mention of Ben's occasional mental instability he would get a glare or snarky comment or on a rare occasion just a gentle 'its fine' but now Ben looked confused. As if he wasn't even sure what Rook had meant. 

----------------------------------------------------------

It started happening a few months ago, well longer than that but Rook had started noticing a few months ago. The uneven breaths Ben sometimes had to take, the jumping and flinching at contact in certain areas. Rook had easily guessed what might be going on with his overly heroic self-sacrificing partner, but it had been confirmed in the worst way possible. 

Zombozo had shown up again and Rook had noticed Ben was already panting at the sight of the clown. He couldn't imagine how bad it would get though.

After the fight Ben had fallen to his hands and knees staring at the ground panting gasping and shaking with his pupils no bigger than pinpricks. Rook bent over and put a hand on Ben's shoulder. Apprently that had been the wrong move. Ben whipped around faster than light and smacked Rook off of him. Then Ben was pushing himself backwards screaming at Rook saying "GET AWAY FROM ME" and "DON'T TOUCH ME!"  One look into Ben's eyes and Rook could tell he wasn't  really seeing him anymore. The thin pupils glancing around wildly as if there was a crowd surrounding him. 

Rook knew what it was, just never expected to see the Ben 10 having a panic attack.  Rook simply sat down on the ground and talked to Ben from a distance not making any move forward and just letting Ben hear his voice. 

Rook had no idea how he hadn't noticed any sooner. With how early Ben was thrown into this lifestyle and the constant threats against him Rook was surprised he hadn't developed any form of PTSD earlier. 

After a while Ben's breathing evened out and he was able to choke out Rook's name before he curled up and started bawling his eyes out. Rook had never seen his partner cry before but it seemed like this was long overdue as Ben buried his face into Rook's chest clinging to him like a lifeline. Ben had passed out after a while still hanging on to Rook who had taken him home and told Max about the incident. 

Since then Rook had just tried to understand the condition better and help keep his partner grounded.

-----------------------------------------------

Ben was mumbling and Rook could only hear half of it. "Breakdown- I didn't think he- that would explain-" 

"Don't worry Rook it won't be a problem I'm feeling good about today!" Ben said finally getting back on task. "If you say so..." 

------------------------------

The trip in undertown went unsettlingly better than he would've thought. Ben never flinched when people bumped into him, never sent a nervous glance at anyone, not even a slight hitch in his breath. Which was quite a feat considering their surroundings. 

Undertown had transformed for the holiday. The vendors had painted their carts and hung up orange lanterns pumpkins and other things had faces carved into them and were glowing casting haunting light over everything. And the entire city hummed with purple light where there wasn't orange. To summarize Undertown had turned into an earthen version of Anur Transyl.

Ben walked around looking at things and laughing with Rook. He was happy to see his partner so carefree the sky above knows he needed it but also unnerved him. Ben just seemed off to him. 

"So about the plumber's party tonight, I was thinking maybe we could go... Together?" Rook quirked his head to the side in confusion. "Were we not already going to attend the party together?" Ben's face burned red. "I- I- mean maybe as like a kinda sorta... Date?" 

Rook was pretty sure his brain did a... What would Ben call it? Short circuit? 

"AUGH no" Ben buried his now entirely red face in his hands "stupid, I'm so stupid this is stupid, just forget I said anything-" "I'd love to" Ben froze and glanced at Rook. "Really?" "Would you like me to stop by your room at eight?" Ben smiled widely "y- yeah that'd be awesome." 

They stayed like that for a while on the boardwalk not saying anything until the omnitrix beeped. 

"Oh right I forgot I set that, Rook I gotta go back to my room and get ready... See you in a bit?"

Rook nodded with a smile and watched Ben walk a ways away before getting up and doing what Ben called a 'fist pump' and walking to his truck.

---------------------

Rook looked at the costume he had prepared. Ben said that a costume enough would've been not wearing his armor but plumber base had a tendency to take advantage of letting your guard down so he had this. 

He had taken the main pieces of his armor and spray painted them changing it from a dark blue to a ghostly white. He put it on and looked in the mirror. It had turned out better than Rook could've expected he looked just like he was wearing a skeleton costume and he had found a special coating to it would glow in the dark to. 

Rook was excited wondering what costume Ben had chosen. He really hadn't been expecting a date proposition while they were in undertown but he also couldn't say he hadn't wanted it. Truthfully he had been avoiding the idea of having feelings for his partner, but for Ben to return the feeling...

Rook stopped in front of Ben's room. A pit had suddenly formed in his stomach. He thought for a moment he might just be nervous but it was more like his 'danger radar' was going off. He opened to door and walked inside. The lights were all turned off odd...

"Ben? It is almost time for the party are you prepared?" The door behind him slammed shut suddenly. Rook jumped startled away from it the only light in the room was his armor until... 

'czzrk crrk zrrkc' crackling noises came from above him and he looked up at something flashing. Suddenly humming split the terrifying atmosphere making the eerie feeling worse. It was a haunting melody that carried loudly and sounded like it came from a child. Rook looked up at the rafters.

There was crackling green electricity sparking with purple swinging back and forth. Illuminating a figure above him. "...Ben?" 

A raspy chuckle came from the teenager.

"So​​​rry Blonko Ben isn't home right now."

[khristinewriteandcapture]

Series Reviews (2020)

23. It's Okay To Not Be Okay

Are you okay? 

How many times did you answered this question truthfully? 

When something happened to us and people tend to get worried, they always asked this question and because we dont want them to keep worrying, I think we always say the wrong answer because its part of being human.

Saying you're okay even if your not has been the problem of people not only today but even years ago. We say okay even if we're hurt physically, mentally or emotionally. Maybe to avoid being pitied, being a burden to others or we just want to look stronger. 

But that's exactly the problem of being human. We say things we dont mean. We always say the complete opposite of what we really mean specially in the moment when someone might also be hurt with to our response.

But it's okay. 

It's okay to not be okay. 

I've watched many movies and series saying that it's not embarrasing to say what you actually feel inside. I'm also currently watching a series about depression and how it can lead to death. And this kinds of series are trying to tells us that taking your own life is not the solution to every problem you kept facing on your own.

It's okay. Everything will be okay. It's nice to hear words like that right specially if it's spoken by someone close to us, right?

This korean drama doesnt only have the best actor to play the part of the main cast but also, they also made the characters connect with the viewers. Every single characters. From the main lead to the last supporting character. No one was a display. Everyone contributed and I think that's what makes a great story.

I think this has been the most meaningful Korean drama I had ever watched, next to Reply 1988 and Itaewon Class. It made me cried every episode. And it clearly deserved the praises it gets every day. 

The whole story was also refreshing because of the fairytales involved in every episodes. The mixture of a story to another story was a great idea of creating a new and unique one, I guess. 

As I said that everyone contributed to the story, I would like to share my thought on each and everyone of them. And I think, this is going to be longer than Itaewon Class or Reply 1988. 

Everyone has their stories to tell and this drama really told everybody's story. I would like to tell everyone's story here but I think, that is too much spoiler. So, I'll just give you what's unique and special about the main cast and some supporting characters.

1. Jae-Su. The ever loyal friend of Gang-Tae. He's like the best best friend anyone dreamed of having. I mean, with his business, you can have free chicken or pizza anytime. But I'm still curious how rich he is. Every time the brothers move, he also moved with them and open and close a business again and again. He felt sometimes felt tired but he never complained because he liked being with them. Following them was not an issue for Jae-su. He can follow them even at the end of the Earth. Because they're family and not blood of surname can keep them from being one. 

He's a very loyal and trustworthy friend. I cant believe he actually followed them for ten years of his life. Maybe that's the result of being too attached. You cant never seem to let go and even if you can, you wont.

2. Mr. Lee Sang-In, the business minded CEO of the publishing company, Ko Mun-yeong worked at but as time passed, he turned out to be a thoughtful and caring person. 

He also stick together with Ko Mun-yeong through the years. He have a kind heart which was buried in his business like stance who only cared about money in the beginning. He was also dependable and always thinks about others even if he doesn't want to. And he looked better without a beard. 

3. After the CEO, let's move over to Seung-Jae which happened to be the most in demand actress I've seen in almost 3 dramas already this year. 

First was in While You Were Sleeping (I think), then in Backstreet Rookie and then here. Anyway, her character her was slow in her work but quick witted when it comes everything not related to work. She's adorably dumb and you'll get to laugh a lot with her and Lee Sang-in's combo. 

She might hate her boss but she doesn't also want him or Ko Mun-yeong to suffer. And also, she don't have anywhere to go to that's why she stick with them. 

4. So, next is Nam Ju-ri. I hate her. 

Wait, let me repeat that. I hated her. Yep. And you'll know why if you watch this or if you had, I'm right, right? 

But, all is well. Maybe because she just want her feelings to be reciprocated. She's actually really nice despite of wanting to be not. She just wanted to lean on someone other than her mother. She's lonely. She worked taking care of others and she just wanted someone to take care of her too. We all wanted that right. 

5. Let's not forget the mother of all, Kang Soon-duk.

She had appeared in a lot of dramas. She would be this rich mother who don't want her soon to like a poor girl, the mother from a simple family who often beat her child out of love, the cool mom where everyone would dreamed of. She had been named as ‘the ultimate eommoni/mother’. 

She was effective. But anyway, her character here is the mother of not only one child but the mother of everyone in the drama. She takes care of the three lead, her daughter, her tenant and everyone in the hospital. It was tiring for someone like her but also magical because she was able to do it. 

6. Director Oh has been a great part of the whole drama.

Even though he looked and sounded like a not effective doctor sometimes, everything he says made sense. He often look foolish but he's the smartest fool in the hospital. 

After the supporting has been called for, let's move to the three musketeers–I mean, the three main cast. The emotionless princess, the masked boy and the boy trapped in the box or simple Ko Mun-yeong, Moon Gang Tae and Moon Sang Tae.

Three lonely people brought together to became whole. Who said two is better than one. Make it three for more fun. 

It was chaotic. That's the description for the three. A crazy girl, a calm but explosive guy and an adult but living in a kid's personality.

Watching this drama felt like you're about to go crazy too. After crying in an intense scene, you'll catch yourself laughing after and serious the next minute. I mean, every Korean drama does that. That's why everyone has the k-drama virus. Everyone is crazy now.

Anyway, Sang-Tae or the boy in the trapped box. 

He's a special trait that makes him different from others. He tend to think as a child sometimes but he's also talented and smart. He might act like a kid but you'll also be surprised of how he can be an adult. 

He loved his brother so much but also hates him to which is natural for brother right? 

He happened to have a severe trauma which add to the burden of his brother but as the brave brother he is, he wanted to overcome it and be the adult he really is. His characters was really inspiring and heartwarming. His presence gives off a ray of sunshine. I admire the actor who played him because he played it well. I hope if he will ever get an award for it. I really hope he will. 

After the boy trapped in the box, let's talk about the Emotionless Princess whose not really emotionless but full of emotions and craziness.

Ko Mu-yeong's characters gave the drama full of craziness and funny sides. Her adult lines and provoking scenes are the best. She totally likes provoking Gang-tae and even though it's all scripted, it was so funny that it can be remembered all the time. Some scene had become memes now. 

Ko Mun-yeong's characters was tough and powerful but behind that, she's still a girl whose scared and defenseless when no one's watching. She found sanctuary and safety when she met Gang-tae. For the first time, she wanted to be taken care of after all the years of not feeling anything. 

She's lonely and constantly in pain from the past. She's still the little girl stuck in the castle waiting for someone to rescue her. 

And lastly, Moon Gang-tae, our masked boy. 

I think he's the complete opposite of Peter Pan. He needed to grew up faster than anyone to take care of his brother. He didn't had time to be a kid or to enjoy his youth because of the only family he have. 

He cursed the life he had until finally he understand and accepted the reason why he had to have this family. It maybe crazy and a handful, it's still worth fighting for. 

All he wanted was everyone to be safe with his care and even set aside his own dreams for it. He regretted not doing his dreams but he's contented with everything he had at the moment and that's all that matters. 

Life might throw stones at you from time to time to test if your strong enough to conquer it not to avoid it. 

And if something doesn't feel right, don't be afraid to talk about it. You'll be surprise of the result once you let it all out. Never be afraid to let people in and also let them go. The end might also be the start of a new beginning.

Seriously, watch this. It's a must! Maybe 10 years from now, people will look back how great this drama was and even though 2020 was the worst year of all, this was made in that year. It will be part of history.

[adhd-demetri]

First things first, love the new url, it's super you. Second are you working on the story for your oc? I actually want to read more on it -Jane

Yep and after thinking about it, if you have a twilight oc, message me and I'll add them into the story :) but this is it so far. Consider this a free sample

~Breaking news~

Things are getting pretty wild in ohio near cowan lake campgrounds. Two coyotes and wolf have been spotted in the area roaming around together wrecking havoc and panic. Biologists are baffled by the sudden appearance of a wolf in ohio with what is supposed to be their enemy.

No one knows where the trio came from but police and wildlife officials are urging people to haze them away and for parents of pets and children alike to keep a sharp eye on them.

Witnesses say they have been seen near dumpsters and trash cans tearing open bags of uneaten food-

-Click-

Demi turned off his phone as he took a bite out of a sub he and his mate had dug out of the dumpster. He snickered at the thought of him, his little brother and his mate 'wrecking havoc' over simply digging in dumpsters for goodies people through out. Like phone chargers, towels, clothing, sleeping bags and even small one person tents with easy fixes.

People are so wasteful. Throwing away perfectly good treasures. Oh well, they were now theirs.

Casper walked up behind him and threw down a tent that he just patched up. It was a cheap green and beige 4 person tent that had a hole in the roof of it. It wasn't nothing special truthfully.

"What do you think? Nice patch work right?" He said looking very proud of his work. Demi turned around and ran his fingers over the the patch, inspecting the delicate stitching and the vinyl that protected them from wear-and-tear.

"Looks good Cas, can't imagine why someone would get rid of this for a easy fix!" He shrugged, oh well. It now belongs to his younger brother.

As he got up from the forest floor, he dusted off the leaves and dirt that clung to the back of his pants. Grabbing the tent, he headed to Caspers car that was parked by an abandoned entrance way that led to overgrown trails leading to their little hideout.

"Hey alex. Check it out, Cas fixed you a tent. Now you can go camping with us instead of sleeping in the car." He said giving his 10 year old little brother the now fixed up tent.

Alex was sitting in the back playing mario kart tour on his phone. He glanced down quickly and laid his phone down. He picked up the tent bag and looked at its contents. His baby blue eyes started to widen with excitement.

"Th-this is for me? My own tent? Wow this is so cool!" The little blond was practically jumping up and down in his spot with pure joy and happiness radiating off of him. He was so happy to have his own tent finally.

"Yup, tonight Cas and I can teach you how to put it up and when we leave, take it down. Sound good?"

"Yes! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!" He suddenly slammed into Demi with a tight hug. Demi patted his head and pulled the excited child off of himself.

Alex went back to playing his game. Demi went back and sat on the ground to join Casper in the small clearing while he was redoing the zipper work on one of the sleeping bags. Casper nearly had this one finished up and planned on giving it to Alex since it had Kion and other lion guard characters on it. Casper concentrated as he worked on stitching the zipper to the sleeping bag.

"Soooo Alex loved his tent. Thank you for fixing it up for him."

"No problem. Seemed better than sitting in the car ya know? Oh hey look I finally got it stitched. You know these zippers are so hard to fix now a days." He said zipping up the bag and admiring his work.

He looked up and noticed the sun was starting to paint the sky in a beautiful array of oranges and pinks mixed with some purples and blues. The air felt slightly cooler than it did before.

Demi rolled his eyes and simply smiled.

He knew it was time to get going and head back to the campgrounds.

Casper followed right behind him and started up his car. They headed back to Cowan Lake campgrounds tenting area.

"Hey alex! Buckle up bud!" He yelled getting back up and getting into the car to leave.

The ride there was quite relaxing as the trio was simply jamming out to some music on their way to the campgrounds. They didn't have a care in the world it seemed.

They finally made it back to their spot. Alex quickly hopped out along with his tent and claimed a spot right next to where Demi and Casper's tent was. He started to pull everything out of the make shift bag that he had stuffed it in previously.

Demi quickly got out and ran to him. He didnt want Alex to lose anything.

"Hey bud slow down, We still got to help you put it up. Cas you want to get the fire going? We can roast some shmellows and some hot dogs. I'm starved!" Demi quickly started unraveling the tent and pulling out the poles, laying them nice and neat.

While they did that, Casper started up the fire. It roared to life after a few moments of poking and prodding it with fiery paper. He grabbed all the goodies, the roasting sticks and a mini table from his car.

The sun sunk down below the trees as the beauty of the moon rose to the sky. She bathed the area in a soft ghostly white glow.

Meanwhile Alex and Demi finally got his tent all nice and set up. It looked a little worn down but it was definitely still usuable.

"Hey who wants shmellows? We got some dogs that need roasting too!" Cas called out to Demi and Alex. He laid out the marshmallows and chocolate along side the hotdogs, gram crackers and bread. Alex and Demi joined him by the cozy fire grabbing a few bits of food and wolfing them down like ravenous animals.

Demi shushed him real quick. He didn't want to disturb others and cause any unnecessary commotion. The last time that happened didn't end well .... for the other person that is.

Around them other campfires crackled and popped while kids and couples alike told stories and roasted foods. Some saying goodnight while others stayed out.

"So when the fire goes out, do you two want to go on a run? I'm pretty sure that stupid Cullen family is out hunting and I do NOT want him near our area." Demi asked Casper and Alex.

Casper thought about it for a moment and mouthed I dont care while shoving a hotdog in his mouth. Alex simply shook his head yes as he ate a burnt gooey marshmallow.

"Yeah it's a full moon tonight! And I haven't ran with you guys in forever!" Alex shouted a tad bit to loud grabbing the attention of a few nearby campers.

"Let's wait till 10. Most of the other campers will be asleep and in their tents by then. It would be the perfect time to slip out." Demi said leaning into his mate's embrace.

No one screams at his little brother for being excited.

"Yeah, it has been awhile hasn't it? It's about time we run and get a good idea of how big our territory is too if this is our permanent home." Casper said.

Demi nodded in agreement as he got up. He went to his and Casper's tent and stripped down to just his incredibly warm out pants. He didn't care if these pants got destroyed while shifting. They've been through so much and it was time to finally to get rid of them.

Casper got up from his spot and joined Demi in the tent. He wrapped his arms around Demi's midsection, pulling him into a warm hug.

"So when you want to head out love?" He whispered.

They both sat down on their makeshift bed. Minutes passed as they simply stayed still together.

A sense of euphoria enveloped him. What a lovely feeling it was.

He got up quickly, peeking out of the tent entrance way.

Neither wanted this moment to end.

His little brother crossed his mind. He left him out there by the fire by himself!

Hide and seek

Thankfully the fire was dying since no one was paying it any attention.

His brother was lying down on the grass. His headphones over his head and his hand tracing the stars as he sang a familiar song quietly. His head bobbing in sync to the beat.

Reason and rhyme

Grand and glorious

Living the dream

yours and mine

~ Euphoria!

As he sand the last part, his arm fell to his side. A smile was spreading across his face as he lost himself in his own little world of euphoria.

Demi felt his body shift quickly. Thankfully his pants were worn enough to not make hardly any noise. Brown, orange and white fur littered from his skin quickly.

The feeling of happiness and joy could be felt radiating from him once again.

Demi sighed to himself, grateful his brother was ok.

"Everything alright love?"

"Yeah, just got worried about Alex but he's fine. He's in his own little world right now."

"I can tell. I can feel it from here."

Demi went back and sat down. He searched for his phone to check the time.

9:57 PM

All of the other campers were asleep by now. The only ones awake at this point was the trio.

Casper's body morphed as well. Silvery gray fur with white swirls that resembled a starry galaxy painted his skin. His body shifted and the shorts he had were ripped quickly.

And just like that, a coyote that could blend in with the autumn themed environment stood before Casper.

The air swirled around Demi. With it, The smell of wet leaves and smoke with sugary delights. Demi inhaled the savory scents before making his way to the child that was still relaxed on the grass.

And just like that, a wolf stood above Demi in the 10 person tent.

Giving his mate a quick nuzzle, Demi slowly crept outside the tent. He didn't want to wake anyone or draw attention to himself. He still had to get Alex into their tent.

Demi nudges Alex with his snoot, urging him to get up. Alex realised it was time and ran to his brother's tent as there would be no room to shift in his own.

Soon after a small blondish white coyote pup came out. His ears and tail were probably the most unique feature both the wolf and coyote have ever seen.

Casper ran out of tent to give Alex some privacy.

'So Cas, did you hear what they said about us on the news? They think we are trouble makers!

Just were the ears attach to the head, Alex's fur was a shiny metallic gold color. His tail was the same way.

He jumped up into the air and started to run a tad bit. The excitment seemed to rub off on Demi. He too started to jump around with his little brother. Together their energy seemed to wile them up even more.

With a burst of energy, the trio took off onto the road. Demi and Alex yipped along the way down the road. Casper's tongue lulled out of his mouth while he ran.

Alex on the other paw didn't want to go digging like his older brother. He was more interested in the playground that was close by and the toys that had been abandoned there as well.

Ha! Can you believe that? Let's give them real trouble!'

Cas nodded in response. He started to slow down as they approached the dumpsters. The overwhelming smell of garbage that has been marinating all day under a scorching hot sun wafted around the trio.

Demi charged ahead of them. He loved digging in the trash, all kinds of goodies people would throw out for no reason was calling his name!

He chased after his brother though.

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

[stories-mostly]

Starks Bug

Tony Stark x son!reader

Words: 1934

As promised chapter 5! This chapter will have a thing that'll be important in later chapters. Have fun reading :D

Chapter 5

Now that you were five and a half, you knew how to write both your ABC's and numbers up to 47 flawlessly. You knew how to write your name and could solve some simple math. You could also write every word as long as someone spelled it for you and you were getting the grip of reading too.

Your dad and uncles are proud, Mr Krabs the crayfish lobster was healthy, and now? You had a new aunt! Her name is Pepper and you love her! She was so nice to you. The first time you met her she had brought ice cream. So lil young you loved her the moment you ate that delicious treat.

Currently you were drawing your family at the daycare part of the company. You were trying really hard to get each one right. With shaky writing and the spelling help of one of the teachers you completed your piece. Without telling anyone you slipped out of the room with your drawing in hand off to find your dad. You knew the route so you thought it was okay to go alone.

Walking past labs into the elevator and then up to the floor your father worked at. Pepper was sitting at her desk typing on the computer. She didn't notice you at first.

"Aunt Pepper look what I just made!" you said holding your drawing in front of you over the desk. She jumped when she heard your voice.

"Oh my god (y/n)! What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to show you and daddy my drawing! Do you like it?"

"Oh I love it. Explain it to me!" she encouraged.

"Alright! So this is Daddy, he has a screwdriver cause he's always making things. This is you, you're holding some papers. This is Happy he's grumpy because I ate all his chocolates. This here is Obi. He is on the phone talking about work. And that's Dum-E and Jarvis. Oh and this is Rhodey he's flying a plane!" you explained pointing to each shaky character who vaguely looked different from the next.

"That's so good, let's show it to your dad and then get you back to your friends shall we?"

You nodded and followed her into your dad's office.

"Look what I drew dad!" you ran over to him while he was at the phone.

"One moment." he said and pressed a button on the thing the phone was connected to. "Hey bug, what are you doing here? You drew something? Let me see."

"I came here to show you my drawing."

"Yes he came here, all on his own." Pepper said putting weight on her last words. Tony's eyebrows shot up but he was drawn back to you quickly as you crawled into his lap and explained your picture all over again. Gaining praise and a hug from your dad who kept the drawing.

Pepper brought you back into the daycare afterward and had a talk with your teacher. You didn't know what they were talking about too busy going back to playing with your friends. You only noticed later that she was gone and that the door got a new handle that was really high up a few days later.

Back home you were still full of energy since you had a nice long nap at daycare.

You were walking around the house with your lightsaber pretending to be a Jedi. You fought your way past your imaginary enemies and used the force to throw things at them like you had seen in the movies your dad watched with you.

You reached out your hand at a cup standing on the table and made a motion toward the enemy. The cup was sitting on the edge of the table and when you completed your motion you watched in slow motion as the cup slowly fell toward the ground a few feet away from the table. The crash of the shattered cup could be heard throughout the room. Out of shock you let your lights aber fall and your hands covered your mouth.

Did you really just use the force? You were happy thinking that you might have special powers, and yet you were also absolutely terrified. What had you done? What could you do? What was even going on? Was that actually you that broke the cup?

The crash brought your father into the room.

"Woah Bug, seems like your fight is pretty intense. Let's clean it up come on." Tony said once he realized that you are okay. You followed him to the kitchen not saying a word.

"You okay? It's fine. Don't worry, not a big deal." He said reassuring you. You however were just coming back out of your trance. You looked around the kitchen and then at your dad.

"Dad," you said seriously. "I'm a Jedi."

Your father chuckled and ruffled your hair.

"Of course you are my little padawan." he continued to chuckle and moved to clean up your mess. But you weren't having it. He needed to belive you. You grabbed his hand with both of yours and stared intently into his eyes.

"No daddy, I used the force. I didn't hit the cup, I used the force!" Tony was a bit confused as to why you insisted on having used the force.

"Okay Bug, lets first clean up the cup pieces and then you can show me how you did it alright?"

You nodded reluctantly and let go of his hand. While he was sweeping up the mess you got a plastic cup from the kitchen and placed it on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Before you could attempt to use the force again Jarvis interfered.

"Sir, it might be of more help to just show him the surveillance footage." he said and pulled up the footage on the screen. There you were, breaking the cup without touching it. Woah.

"Thank you Jarvis!" you said and went to drag your dad in front of the screen.

"Look! Here I told you I used the force! Jarvis play it please."

Tony looked at the screen just in time to see you throw the cup while standing a few feet away.

Once the initial shock blew over he grinned and said.

"Well I guess I'm now living under the same roof as a Jedi." he said hiding the fact that he had no idea how to deal with that situation. Or how you could even do that.

The next day the two of you talked about your "force" a bit more deeply. He told you all about why you had these powers and why you can't tell anyone that you had them. As he put it, the dark side would try and recruit you. And neither of you would want that. You barely noticed that the circles around his eyes were a bit deeper than usual.

You practiced with your force daily. It was an amazing experience for you but really tiring. Much less scared than before you were extremely happy with being able to do these cool things. Soon you would find out that it wasn't actually the force but a gene within you that gave you powers but you wouldn't stop calling it the force until you were about 10 and that was long ways away for you.

Not to mention all the attempts that would follow to build a real life lightsaber until your dad banned you from trying after you almost cut your whole arm off. 8 year old you would be left with a pretty cool scar though. And who could say they had gotten a scar from a real lightsaber.

"What are you doing?" An amused voice came from behind you.

You spun around and saw your father with an amused look on his face. There was nothing funny about the situation in your book.

You had been trying, and failing, to accurately use your force to make yourself some cereal. And by the looks of scattered cereal and your soaking wet figure, it wasn't going well at all. This was your 14th attempt and you were still messing it up. It was extremely demotivating to repeatedly fail.

"Making cereal," you said in a dissapointed tone.

"Are you part of it? Or did you just want to take a milk shower?" He chuckled and went his way to grab some paper towels. You didnt find that funny at all. With the most hate a five year old can muster to show on his face you glared at the mess infront of you. And left. Not caring about the trail of milk you left as you walked into your room and struggled to take off you wet shirt. You really hated, absolutely despised failing or losing as any child your age.

You gave up taking off your shirt and just plopped down onto the ground with your arms crossed.

A minute into your moping session a knock sounded from the door. You didn't answer still too frustrated in your inability to make breakfast. Another knock sounded followed by your dads voice.

"Hey Bug, can I come in?" You croaked out a small yes and drew your knees to your chest.

The door opened and your father walked in concern written all over his face.

"What's wrong bug? You wanna talk about it, maybe?" He sounded unsure as he said that.

"Or we can just, sit here, if you want." He continued sitting down next to you.

Your scowl slowly transformed itself into a frown and then morphed it's way into a face of an incredibly sad and frustrated young boy.

"I hate it." You mumbled shakingly burrowing your head in your arms.

"What? Do you hate I mean." Tony despite having dealt with your emotions for five+ years now was still unsure if what he said each time was right.

"I, I hate that. I dont know how to say," You said truthfully. It was hard to articulate your emotions.

"That's okay. Do you want me to guess?" He asked and you just nodded.

"Is it about, not being able to pour cereal with your, force?"

You bit your lower lip and nodded, tears forming in your eyes.

"Can I tell you something?" He asked waiting for confirmation before continuing. "I don't think your all that bad at it. And I dont think you should give up just yet. Look sometimes when you try something new, you'll fail. You'll make mistakes and maybe even break stuff. But you know what will happen after you've failed and failed and broken stuff? You will end up winning. Because you learned while you were making mistakes," he pause to look at your reaction. You hadn't moved. He sighed.

"Maybe, let me just say it like this. How long did it take you to make an object float for more than a few seconds? Because I know that you didn't just do it on the first try. It took you about a week to just make an empty cup float mid air for more than 10 seconds. And then you learned how to move it and that took you long as well. And you just now started trying to make cereal. And it wasn't even that bad. A few weeks ago you couldn't even lift the milk jug and now you're moving it too? That's a lot of progress and you'll continue to make progress and failing, that's just part of it. God knows how often I failed to make Dum-E work." He had rambled along as he was trying to encourage you but that was okay. Because despite the amount of words he said the message was clear to you.

Within a week you could make yourself cereal with both eyes closed.

Tags: @shannonr2003 @art-estrange @nicholasbich @tater-thottie @tonystanktheirondad @gaylemonshark

[letthesparkleshine]

You remembered.

Part 6!

Hi everyone! I’ll try to include Jin’s and Jungkook’s POV in the next part as well! However there might be a little delay with it since I have a lot of things happening in private life. That’s why I tried to make this part a bit longer for you to read. Hope you enjoy it! :) 

Words: around 5.1k

Group: BTS

Members: Jungkook and Taehyung X you X Jin (it’s a mess I’m sorry)

Part 1 *  Part 2 * Part 3 * Part 4 * Part 5

You stopped for a moment to think. Your best friend had just asked you on a date I mean could it be any more perfect. People often speak about best friends dating and how it is on of the best things in the world. You always thought of Tae as you bff but he became that later. However, with Jungkook the situation was a little bit different. He was your friend before. He's your friend now. And yes he is handsome but you really didn't think of him like that. You didn't even have the time.

''Uh Y/N did you hear me?'' Jungkook's words snapped you out of your thoughts.

You didn't know what to say. You needed time. You just stood there like a statue. You felt as if even if you wanted to move you weren't able to.

''I know it's very sudden, you probably didn't expect this questio-''

''Yes it's very sudden'' you cut him off a little harshly. You didn't mean to come off as rude but you really didn't know how to react. How could he ask you. Not now.

''I'm sorry Jungkook, I'm just a little bit shocked that is all.''

''It's okay, I understand. You did just break up with Tae not a long ago.''

Oh Tae, why did he have to bring him up? you thought to yourself.

''But I still think that you should go out with me'' he sounded very confident. It was Jungkook we were talking about anyway.

''We know each other Y/N, don't you think it would be amazing?'' he took a step towards you. You still had no idea how to react, it was all very too sudden, and very odd as well.

He took your hand and intertwined it with his. You very shocked by his action reacted impulsively and pulled away taking a step away from him.

''I’m sorry Kookie this is all just very unexpected to me.'' you tried to explain yourself the best way you could at the moment.

''I'm not giving up Y/N. You're going to go out with me one of these days. I know that we would be just so great together.''

You slowly processed everything he said, but Kookie continued speaking: ''How about this? Come to our dorm tomorrow and we'll spend an evening like we used to. Playing games, messing around and other stuff. If you'll feel uncomfortable next to me, then I'll let go. We’ll stay friends like we are now.''

''But what do you get out of it? I mean it wouldn't be a date, we'd just hang out, of course I'm going to be comfortable next to you.''

Jungkook took a long sigh after you finished your sentence and if you were honest with yourself, it pissed you off. Who is he to be sighing when he had just asked you out out of blue.

''You really should let people finish their sentences Y/N.''

So that got you worked up even more but you decided to let it go this time. You crossed your hands and waited for him to finish.

''We'll be hanging out like always but I will do something I've never done before.''

''And what would that be smarty pants?'' you asked.

''I'll kiss you.''

If you thought him asking you out on a date before was a shocker to you, then this had to be a bomb. Your eyes became twice your normal size and your hands were no longer crossed. Jungkook was smirking at your reaction. This boy has always had a confidence when it came to girls and you saw him hitting on so many girls. You were always the person standing on the side and observing, but now roles have turned. You had become the girl he hits on. A very unusual feeling as well.

''Excuse me?'' was the only possible answer you could give him at the moment.

''You heard me, I'll kiss you and if it will be awkward for you, we can just remain friends. You were about to reply back but he cut you off. ''Before you interrupt me again let me finish. I won't tell you when I'll kiss you. I'll do it unexpectedly.''

You were standing as still as ever, with so many things going through your mind but the only thing you could say was: ''What sense does that make?''

''Now whenever you think about us hanging out tomorrow, you’ll think about me kissing you.'' Yeah the kid is not good with math but man he could win a woman’s heart.

''I swear Jungkook  I-''

''Nope, not even a word. You're coming tomorrow and that's the last of this conversation. Try not tho think about our kiss tomorrow.'' As he said that he finished it of with a wink and a smile. But it wasn't his kind smile, it was his f''boy smile. And if you were honest, you kind of liked it.

''Fine, challenge accepted, see you tomorrow Kook.”

Jungkook smiled to himself at your words and walked back to the dorm. As soon as he entered the dorm he felt something, it was a feeling you can’t describe easily. He came off so confident in front of you but now he was feeling like a five year old who just broke their mom’s favorite vase. Yoongi saw him and his state so he asked him: “You okay kid?”

“Yeah fine, I just need everyone to leave tomorrow around 3 o’clock and not come back until at least 9” he answered so simply but Suga wasn’t having any.

“Yeah right, what’s gotten into you?”

“No I mean it, Y/N is coming tomorrow to our kind of date and I need the dorm to be empty.”

At this point Yoongi saw that Kook wasn’t playing around so he asked: “Wait seriously? A date? What do you mean kind of?”

“Well it’s a date but we’re also hanging out as just friends. You can call it a pre-actual date preparation.”

“Listen, I have no idea what you’re talking about but I heard Y/N and date in the same sentence so that works for me.”

Jungkook definitely liked the words he was hearing.

“I’ll tell the others to leave.” Said Yoongi.

“Thanks, I appreciate the support.” Said Kookie very happily.

“No problem, it’s not everyday you lose your virginity.” Said Suga while heading to his room. Jungkook opened his mouth to protest but he was cut off yet again by Yoongi “Yeah yeah, you’re cool, you lost your virginity a long time ago, i don’t care I’m going to sleep.” And with those words said Yoongi was no where near Jungkook’s sight.

“Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if I lived alone, must be very peaceful.” Thought Kookie to himself. In the distance he heard some glass breaking and J-hope screaming.

“Very peaceful” he finished his thought.

On your way to Miri’s apartment countless thoughts passed by your mind, some passed rather quickly and other rather slowly. By the time you reached her apartment you were so deep in your thoughts you almost missed the building. As soon as you stepped into her apartment you sat on the couch in the living room taking some time to collect your thoughts. Miri had just gotten out of the shower and as soon as she saw you she asked: “Sooo?? How was it? Tell me everything!” She seemed very excited.

“Jungkook asked me out.” You cut straight to the ending, the ending that left Miri in complete shock. “And he said that he’ll kiss me tomorrow.”

At this point Miri looked as if all the air out of her lungs had been sucked out.

“What???” She screamed so loud, whole floor probably heard her.

You told her to sit down and you explained everything to her, you didn’t leave a single detail out.

After a good hour had passed Miri finally said:”Wow.. that was a lot of information to take in.”

“I know.” You agreed with her “So, what do you think I should do? Should I go out with Jungkook, he is Tae’s bes-“

“Yes!” Miri screamed cutting you off. “You should definitely go out with him Y/N, yes yes yes!” She continued speaking enthusiastically.

“What’s with the enthusiasm Miri?” You asked her.

“Oh come on, you and Jungkook Y/N that would be so good, even you have to admit it.”

“Whaat? I never thought of Jungkook in that way..” you tried playing dumb.

“Oh pleaase” said Miri “- like I don’t know you. Everybody looks at Jungkook that way, dont get me even started on you.”

“What? I never looked at him as a-“

Miri cut you off without saying a word. She gave you one of her significant looks. A look if which could speak, would say Really bitch.

“Yeah you’re right, why an I even trying with you?” You just admitted simply.

‘‘He is hot..’‘ you said that sentence rather as a question. ‘‘-Yeah he is hot, let’s try it why not?’‘ you asked yourself while talking out lout.

‘‘We’re very good friends Miri I cant.’‘ you also answered yourself.

‘‘Stooop! Go out with him Y/N, no overthinking ok?’‘ Miri tried to help you as much as she could without giving away Jungkook’s crush on you.

‘‘But what about Jin?’‘ you asked.

‘‘What about him?’‘ asked Miri as an answer.

‘‘Wouldn’t it be weird? I mean all things considered..’‘ you said the last word very silently. You regretted that night you spent with him. First of all you had just broken up with Tae and now you’re going out with another friend of his. You couldn’t help but to feel a little bit slutty. You never intended to sleep with him, it just happened.

‘‘Well how does he act around you?’‘ asked Miri.

‘‘Oh he’s great actually, he’s sticking to our deal and pretending like it didn’t happen at all. It’s just me, I have a problem with myself, I just feel so guilty Miri.’‘ you answered truthfully.

‘‘Well don’t  Y/N, it happened only once and you were drunk, also you and Tae broke up so you were a single lady at the time.’‘ she said.

‘‘But what if Kookie found out?’‘

Miri raised her hand at you telling you to basically stop talking.

‘‘I don’t want to hear it  Y/N, everyone makes mistakes, what happened with Jin was not much of a mistake really and besides even if it was, you don’t own anyone an explanation, especially Jungkook. You deal with your mistakes the way you want to.’‘

What Miri said made sense, you decided to let go of the topic for now and enjoy your date, but not really a date, with Jungkook tomorrow. You were rather excited for it. It was definitely making you nervous. It was something new.

‘‘Fine!’‘ you said, ‘‘Your right, I’m going to take a shower now If you don’t mind.’’

‘’What, you need to was the smell of their dorm that badly?’’ asked Miri in a jokingly way.

‘’No just the smell of Jimin.’’ you said while making your way to the bathroom.’’

‘’Hey!!’’ yelled Miri.

You laughed under your breath. ‘’Just joking girl.’’ 

Tomorrow has arrived. Today was the day of your and Jungkook’s kind of date.

You woke up not knowing how to feel, but there was not too much time left to think, you had to get ready for your job. You tried to go through day as normally as possible. You worked first shift, you had a break and then went back to work. Around 1 o’clock you finished and made your way to your home. The day was very lovely, sun was shining brightly so you deiced to go to home by foot.  You were enjoying the moment when suddenly your phone buzzed. It was a text from Jungkook.

‘‘Everything’s ready, I got the snacks and the movies, I only need you ;)’‘

‘‘Yeah,no winky face is going to work for a while Kookie, I’ll be there around 4ish’‘

‘‘Would you just play along, I swear Y/N you’re so obnoxious sometimes.’‘

‘‘And yet you still asked me on a date ;)’‘

It took Jungkook a couple of minutes before he replied back to you, it must’ve been a good response. Yep, today was a truly good day for you.

‘‘I’m thinking about giving you up, but before I do the final decision, I’ll need to see you around 5 today. Practice at 3, Hoseok was panicking again this morning at practice so we need to work a bit more today.’‘

‘‘5 it is, see you then pretty boy ;)’‘

‘‘Thanks for stating the obvious.’‘

You laughed at his text and put away your phone. When you got home you tried to pass the time as quickly as possible. You couldn't wait to see Jungkook today, you were very shook by his question yesterday but not today. Today you were all hyped, I guess that’s what overthinking does. As time passed you got ready for your kind of date and around 4.30 left your apartment. You didn’t want to be late as you were never late to your hanging out. You arrived couple of minutes early. To use the best of those minutes you tried calling Miri but you were in no luck. However she texted you back immediately: ‘’Don't overthink, just enjoy!’’

You put away your phone and made your way to their entrance door. You took a deep breath and knocked. You waited for a couple of seconds before the door opened. It was Jin who greeted you.

Oh Y/N you’re here.’’ he says. ‘’Come in.’’ he moved and made a way for you to enter. 

‘‘I’m here to meet Kook.’‘ you say as you take off your shoes and head to their living room. ‘‘Where is he?’‘

‘‘He’ll be home any minute, they must’ve finished by now.’‘ he says.

‘‘Oh,, I see..’‘ you say taking a short breath. ‘‘And you, why are you the only one home?’‘

‘‘I got a little bit sick since yesterday so I decided to stay in bed this day, but don’t worry I’m leaving you two alone for your date.’‘ he says with a tone sounding bit different than his usual self.

‘‘Oh, I.?’‘ you start to say but don’t know how to finish so you just stay quiet.

‘‘Don’t worry.’‘ he says with a little smile ‘‘We’re good right? We decided to be good no matter what, right?’‘ Jin asked and you were a little relieved. He could see that so instead of letting you answer he said: ‘‘Good, because I still want to go on a date with your sister.’‘

And this is where the Jin as everyone knows him has entered the chat.

‘‘Man I didn’t miss jokes about my sister.’‘ you say a bit irritably but you’re laughing. And so is Jin. You guys take a seat while waiting for Jungkook to arrive. He didn’t want to leave you alone so you just start talking. The conversation goes on very easily with Jin. He’s a charismatic person so it doesn't surprise you. You two have a lovely chat for a short while when you suddenly get a message from Jungkook.

‘‘I’m sorry but I’m going to be late. Namjoon felt sick during practice so we had to take him to the hospital. Don’t worry he just had an allergic reaction, we’re on our way back but it’s going to take a while, the roads are very crowded. Tell Jin his husband is fine and if he could keep you company for half an hour maybe I’d owe him one?’‘

You read the message out loud to Jin. 

‘‘I’ll keep you company no problem but excuse me a moment I still need to call Namjoon to see how he is.’‘ he says while getting up.

‘‘Of course.’‘ you say. He goes to his room to make a phone call and leaves you alone.

You start to text Miri but in the middle of your text you decide to delete it. You’re just going to go with her advice and enjoy it. Well as much as you can. And all is good, you're with Jin, he is making things easy for you. 

You decide to go to the bathroom while waiting for him to finish. You head towards it but on your way you hear weird noises coming from Jin’s room. You want to make sure if everything is okay so you change your path but before you knock you hear interesting words coming out of his room: ‘’I love her so much it’s not fair, I can’t pretend to be friends with her.’’

The words were too juicy for you to turn around and leave him in his privacy. Your curiosity gets the best of you so you decide to listen. It was Jin on a phone with Namjoon you were assuming, but who was he talking about? you thought to yourself.

You wanted to turn away and give him some privacy, you knew it was wrong to stay and eavesdrop but you couldn't help yourself.

‘‘I know Joon, I know Jungkook is crazy about her but so am I. And it hurts because he gets to go on a date with her today and I get to look at them.’‘

Jin’s words stopped your breath for a moment. He loves me? It can’t be.. you tried to deny the words you just heard. You started thinking about everything. How? When? Why? So man questions passed by your mind, you got completely lost in your thoughts. So lost you didn’t realize that you didn’t move until Jin came out of his room and he almost crashed into you.

‘‘ Y/N?? What are you doing standing here?’‘ he asked

‘‘I- I..’‘ you started to stutter, you had no idea what to say to him.

‘‘Did you hear my conversation?’‘ he asked sounding a bit angrily.

You stood still completely quiet, you looked at him and his face changed completely. He started to breathe very loudly, you could see that he was very nervous.

‘‘I’m so sorry I didn't mean to I just wanted to check if you were okay.’‘

Jin’s eyes were teary at this point, he turned around to not face you, he was embarrassed.

‘‘Please don’t be mad, I’m so sorry.’‘ you say.

‘‘I didn’t want you to ever find out  Y/N, I wanted you to be happy with Kook, I still want you so let’s just pretend you didn't hear a word just like we’re pretending that we never slept together.’‘ he said the last part with such a bitter feeling in his voice. You could sense that he was angry with you for hearing his private conversation. He wanted to enter his room, opening the door but all you could do in the moment was hug him.

You felt bad, he was in love with you this whole time. First you were with Tae, then something happened between you but instead of talking about it you completely ignored his feelings and decided not to, and now he had to watch you get together with yet another friend of his.

‘‘I’m so sorry Jin.’‘ you say while hugging him from behind. ‘‘Please don’t be mad at me, let’s just talk.’‘ you say.

‘‘I don’t think there’s anything to talk about.’‘ he says very quietly.

‘‘No please, you’re still my friend, I care about you.’‘ you try to reason.

He turns around breaking your hug, looks you in the eyes and says: ‘’That’s why we have nothing to talk about, you care about me, but I love you.’’

You could feel your heart breaking but most importantly you could hear Jin’s as well. All you ever wanted was to make things right but you didn’t know how to. Jin was at this point crying a little bit and you started to as well. The whole situation was completely unexpected to you. You hated losing yet another friend. You were about to say something when you heard the front door opening.

‘‘It must be Kookie, don’t worry I’ll get my things and leave.’‘ says Jin entering his room and leaving you alone in the hallway not giving you a chance to react.

‘‘ Y/N I’m here and I'm so sorry I’m late.’‘ he says while running to you to give you a hug.

You hurry up and wipe your tears as fast as possible for him to not see.

‘‘Oh Kookie, you’re here.’‘ you say with a bit shaky voice while hugging him back.

‘‘Are you crying, what’s wrong Y/N?’‘ he asks.

‘‘Oh nothing, just an allergy, that’s why I went to the bathroom in the first place.’‘ you point to the door hoping your excuse will work on him.

‘‘Oh okay, well then you get settled and I’ll talk to Jin, we need to be alone today.’‘ he says with a wink.

You didn’t want him to enter Jin’s room, but you also didn’t know what to do. Everything was just so new to you, all the information you received was too much for you at the moment.

‘’Actually Kookie, my allergy is really working up.’’ you say with tears in your eyes. All you wanted was to cry at the moment. You had no idea why, but it hit you harder than anything else in your life. You just simply felt so bad, so guilty towards Jin.

‘‘Please, let’s reschedule this.’‘ you say turning away from him, afraid he’ll see through you and realize those are actual tears. You want to move to get your things but he stops you by grabbing your hand.

‘‘Y/N wait please, I’ve been looking so forward to this day, please don’t leave.’‘ he says in such an honest way it breaks your heart even more. Not only did you hurt Jin, you were about to hurt your best friend too. One person you thought you weren’t capable of hurting. Jungkook still holds your hand not letting you go and you don’t move. You stay still for a couple of seconds only looking at his eyes. He suddenly moves closer to you letting go of your hand and instead grabbing you by your waist very gently. He pulls you closer to him leaving you completely in shock not knowing what he’s going to do next. His right hand makes its way to your neck pulling you even closer to him. In the moment you close your eyes not caring about a single thing. He presses his lips against yours and its the most amazing feeling you’ve ever felt. He starts to deepen the kiss and you go along. You forgot about everything, you just enjoyed the moment.

Soon the moment is over and you both move slowly apart. You are still very stunned by what had just happened. Your best friend had just kissed you and it felt incredible. But on the other side, your heart was hurting because of Jin. You start to overthink everything again but Jungkook stops you with saying: ‘’You kissed me back.’’

He had such a wide smile on his face as he was saying those words to you and you felt incredible. However, Jin was at the back of you mind the whole time. You were so happy yet so sad at the same time.

‘‘Jungkook, honestly, the kiss was amazing.’‘ you say making him smile even more, as it was even possible. ‘‘-but I have to go, I’m so so so sorry, but I just have so many things to think through.’‘ you say.

‘‘Wait, wait Y/N.’‘ he says running after you ‘‘- wha-?’‘

He didn’t know why you reacted in such way. ‘’Did it feel weird?’’ he asked very directly.

‘‘No, no, the kiss was great Jungkook, I promise you, I just have to go.’‘ you say. You wanted to leave as soon as possible, due to Jin still being in his room. Everything that had just happened, happened in front of his room. You were terrified of him coming out in the hallway at any moment.

‘‘Why Y/N? I don’t understand.’‘ says Kookie.

‘‘I promise, the kiss was amazing, but I have to go, I’ll call you, it’s another promise.’‘ you say to him and with those words you leave his dorm not giving him a chance to say something.

The outdoor fresh air felt like a bucket of ice cold water.

What had just happened? you thought to yourself. On you way to your home your mind went blank, you couldn’t process what had just happened. You wanted to think about it, but something was stopping you. You changed your route and headed to the White cafe you and Kookie used to go to all the time. You ordered the same thing Jungkook would order. After taking a first sip it happened. Emotions have overcome you and after Jungkook popped in your head you started to smile. Your best friend had just kissed you, the guy you never thought would, excluding the crush you had on him the first year you became friends. He was the one you probably should have been with at the first place instead of Tae.

I just kissed Jungkook, omg I have to call Miri, you thought but stopped the same second you took your phone out. ‘’Jin.’’

Oh poor Jin, I’m such a terrible person, what am I going to do. Different thoughts have entered you mind, you really had no idea what to do. You wanted to think things through before you said anything to anyone.

After 7 minutes of deep thinking mode your thoughts were disturbed by your phone buzzing. It was a message from Jimin.

‘‘What did you do to Jungkook??’‘ The message left you very confused.

‘‘What do you mean?’‘

‘‘We came home like 15 min ago expecting him to be in a good mood, but he’s locked himself in his room not wanting to talk to anybody.’‘

On no, poor Kookie, he probably thinks he did something wrong. you thought.

‘‘I’ll call him later, but if he asks tell him he did nothing wrong, tell him that everything was just perfect to me.’‘

‘‘Ok, I have no idea what you’re talking about but I’ll tell him. Maybe he’ll cheer up.’‘

‘‘Thanks Jimin.’‘

The one person you never saw unhappy was now locked in his room, thinking about what he had done wrong. You hated this feeling, you wanted to go to him and talk to him like you talk about everything, but you had to think about Jin as well, he was his friend after all.

You decided to stop feeling terribly alone, so you called the one person who’ll probably help you feel even more terrible, but at least you weren’t alone. Miri. She came to the coffee shop pretty fast, obviously she was very excited for the news you had for her.

‘‘Talk woman, talk!!’‘ she yelled as soon as she entered, not caring about other guests in there. 

She listened carefully to every detail of you story and you explained it very thoroughly. After everything she heard the only thing that came out of her mouth was: ‘‘Holy shit!’‘ she took a moment to collect her thoughts and then she said: ‘‘Please tell me you’re still going to go out with Jungkook.’‘ she says.

‘‘Wha-?’‘

‘‘Do you like him?’‘ she asked very firmly.

‘‘I don’t know, I mean he is my Kookie, the friend I’ve had for over 8 years.’‘ you try to answer.

‘‘Yeah Y/N that’s not an answer.’‘ she says.

‘‘I do like him Miri, of course I like him, I think I could even fall in love with him over time. I mean it’s Kookie for crying out loud.’‘ you say and Miri smiles upon hearing your words.

‘‘But Jin, I don’t know what to do Miri, he is obviously hurting because of me and I don’t want to be a bad guy.’‘ you finish saying.

‘‘Y/N you can’t think like that. You can’t block your happiness because of someone else’s. You need to be happy too, you deserve to be happy.’ she says taking your hand.

‘‘You’re my best friend and I’m going to be honest with you.’‘ her words make you look at her suspiciously.

‘‘Jungkook has had a crush on you for the longest time ever, even while you were dating Tae. And I was always rooting for him, since day 1. He could make you so happy Y/N, don’t ruin things for yourself.’‘

You had no idea about Jungkook’s crush, but after hearing it coming from Miri’s mouth it made you smile a little bit to yourself. He liked me? was everything that was going through your head.

‘‘And regarding Jin, yes, it’s a terrible timing but it’s not your fault. If you have a chance to be happy, you should be happy. As simple as that.’‘ 

‘‘I swear Miri, you always know what to say.’‘ you tell her.

‘‘Well of course, why do you think I majored in law?’‘ she says making you both laugh. She wipes the already dried tears off your face and says: ‘‘Go do the thing that would make you happy with the right person.’’ putting again a smile on your face. 

You get up to hug her and say: ‘’Thank you for everything. Really.’’

‘‘No problem, now go.’‘ she says pushing you out of the Cafe making you laugh.

Enjoy the moment, you deserve to be happy is what you are thinking as your walking towards you home. As soon as you reached your apartment you got cozy on your couch and texted Jungkook.

‘‘You awake?’‘

Why did I text that, it’s like 8PM, who goes to bed at 8?

He texted you back instantly.

‘‘I know I’m younger than you, but that doesn’t mean I go to sleep at 8 like a child..’‘

After reading his text you called him. He didn’t pick up for a couple of seconds which made you a bit nervous when suddenly you heard: ‘’Hello?’’

‘‘Kookie! Hi! What are you doing?’‘ you asked.

‘‘Umm.. nothing special, hanging out with the guys.’‘

‘‘Are you free?’‘ you went in directly with your intentions.

‘‘What? When? Now?’‘

‘‘Yes, now.’‘ you say.

‘‘Well, yeah, I don’t have any plans..’‘

You don’t know how you got the courage to say the following words but somehow you found it.

‘‘Come to my place.’‘

[honeymoon-changb]

And I love you.

A Johnny scenario.

genre: fluff, i guess, failed attempt at comedy

A/N: idk why i’m putting this here lmao i’m not a legit author but yea i wrote this a whileeeee ago in notes on my phone and just found it again and decided to post it cuz i didn’t have the balls to share it before; it’s kinda cheesy but i guess i was feeling all fluffy about John ay also pls note English isn’t my native language so if you see any grammar errors etc - that’s why. Anyway, enjoy y’all (if anyone reads this at all lmao wishful thinking)

  Haechan was sat cross-legged on the living room couch, a big Lion King mug in one of his hands (that’s Taeyong's latest purchase) and his phone in the other one. In sheer attempt to kill the boredom of the off-days, he boy was watching one YouTube video after another as he took loud sips of a warm beverage. Not a pleasant scene for those who get easily irritated by slurping or munching sounds, mukbang haters. You have just finished washing up after the downside of hot-cholocate drinking culture - which was the prepration process - and made your way to the living room, where honey-skinned boy was now joined by the roomies TY Track and the-1-and-only Johnny. You stood in the back, unnoticed, and listened.

"You made hot chocolate for yourself only?" the friendly giant said in a sulky tone.

"Y/N's the one who made it." Haechan replied, not even bothered to grace Johnny with his gaze.

"For you only? Y/N, since when is Haechan your favorite!?" Johhny screamed, not realizing how close you were. You coughed to get their attention, before opening your mouth.

"Huh, psh, pffft, my-my what? How dare you accuse me of favorism, I dOnT have a favorite?" you winked at Haechan, who, what a surprise!, was actually blessing you with his attention. In response to your purposefully over-the-top dramatic acting, Mr. John Seo played heartbroken.

"AH! I can't believe you. All these nice things you've said to me, they must have been lies, and I was but a fool who believed to be someone special in your life!" he cried out, almost literally.

"Oh, don't you call me a liar, now, mister!" you replied, waving your finger at the boy. "Look... if I was gonna make enough hot cocoa for y'all, we'd need a barrel of milk." you added, less dramatically, to actually make this conversation into something more than just jokes on jokes.

"I didn't even know we had cocoa powder?" Taeyong spoke, to whom you replied:

"You didn't. I got some on my way here."

"What for, if you're not gonna make any for us..." the tall jokester said, or rather spat under his breath as if he didn't really want you to hear. Oh, but you did. Before you could reply to this snarky remark, though, a wild Mark appeared, joining this pity party.

"It smells like heaven in here." he said, with the typical, cutesy Mark smile on his face.

"Must be the hot chocolate ONLY HAECHAN is drinking." Youngho, the saltiest child on earth, said.

"Yum, I'd love some hot cocoa." Mark said, unaware of how long this convesation has been going on and how annoyed, yet amused you were feeling, especially because of John's pricesless commentary. And he just had to go on.

"Ya, tell me about it, man..." he looked at you, eyebrows furrowed, hands placed on his chest and he really did look hurt, the little actor. "I just feel so saaaaaad... like there's a hole inside of me and hot chocolate is the only things that could ever glue the pieces my broken heart together." he cried out again.

"Oh, oh, I get that feeling, too." what came as surprise, Taeyong played along.

"Yeah, and it seems like only YOU have the power to heal us, to put us out of our misery, Y/N." Seo continued. Mark must have caught up on the game, as he joined in, saying

"Have mercy on us, Y/N!" You felt like you were going out of your mind, dealing with these whiny boys who were now all gathered around you, staring at you with big pouts on their pretty faces.

"Oh MY GOD, you guys are driving me insane!" you snapped, loudly laughing (and maybe lowkey dying inside). "Yes, fine, okay, AL-RIGH-TY-YO! I will fill your whiny asses with my heavenly hot-cocoa, but boy do I pray that it'll not only glue your bRoKeN piEcEs together, but your mouths as well." you shook your head left to right at them.

"THANK YOU" Johnny said, fake crying. You were almost convinced he’s about to fall to his knees and repeat himself, but luckily for eveyone witnessing, he didn’t. You shook your head at him even more intensely.

"On one... no... on two conditions, though." all three of them looked at you intrigued as to what they'd have to do to have you bless them with your original-family-recipe hot chocolate. "First, since you're all outta milk, you have to go get some at the store and by some I mean multiple boxes because there's so many of you all living under one roof, you damn plague..."

"Sounds fair." commented Mark.

"...and two..." you smirked. "...two, you have to praise and compliment me in 3... 2... 1... Go!" And the boys did as they were told, which made it quite difficult to actually make out what the sweet words were, even harder when Haechan joined in after you confirmed he could get more hot chocolate. But then everything went dead silent as Johnny's raised voice delivered these four words,

"and I love you."

It wouldn't be that big of a deal if it weren't for the fact you two have never exchanged this confession before, as you were dealing with the friends-turned-lovers type of situation, never actually calling each other boyfriend or girlfriend, hell, never really discussing your feelings, just enjoying each other's company and all the benefits that came with it when different needs arose. The momentary silence contributed to the air becoming suffocatingly heavy with a mix of anxiety and a dash of awkwardness, as you were caught off guard with this sudden avowal of feelings, and the confessor himself appeared to be unsure. Not unsure of his feelings, as you would have thought, because it's not like you didn't care about one another in this way. He must have felt unsure of why these words rolled off his tongue in a middle of such commotion. He panicked and decided it was best to flight from the scene, and so he pretended to be called by Jaehyun. You decided to act as well, so you made the decision to get the milk in the supermarket yourself.

"Mark, Mark, let's go to 7-Eleven, the milk isn't gonna buy itself, now, is it?"

"Aye, sure." Mark replied hasily, stuck in fluster over this incident. He now was continuously wondering about all of this. He obviously wasn't with you guys all the time, so he didn't know whether you ever confessed before or what was truly going on between you - obviously, since you never talked about what you felt for each other with one another, why would you with other people. This was something no one could know but you, and the way things got so awkward just a minute ago enhanced his confusion. He wasn't sure if it was okay to talk about this or if you wanted anything but, so he kept quiet. But man, did you wish he'd start a conversation... This silence forced you to stay in your head, feeling a little panicky. You, too, felt unsure and uneasy at this moment. You surely cared about Johnny and spending time with him was truthfully you favorite way of pushing through one day after another, but love... has always been something that confused you a little, because what even is love? Too many people threw this word around like it was nothing, so how does one figure out whether it's something serious or something you can say just so lightheartedly like you’re talking about your favorite cereal? Your lifelong history of having a hard time trusting and opening up to people wasn't helping in this situation at all. And since Mark wasn't going to intiate the dialogue, you decided to do so, before you dig too deep into your anxious thoughts.

"What's your favorite music video you've done so far?" you asked to somehow break the silence, and by him raising his thin brows, you could tell he did not expect you to do so. He laughed, brushing his hair.

"Hm, that's a good question, why don't you answer it first so I can think of my answer."

"What's my favorite MV of NCT's?" you asked rhethorically, since you knew that's what he meant, so you proceeded to share the response before he even nodded in reassurence. "Gotta be the rough version of Limitless. I love the retro style too much, I love everything about it."

"Yeah, that's a good one!" he cheered. "Me, I think for now I'm gonna have to say "Boss" 'cause we got to go to Ukraine to film and that's a travel destination I never thought of visiting, but it was beautiful and so interesting."

"Ahh! I've watched the behind-the-scenes and, not gonna lie, I felt a little jealous. I love to travel." you responed.

"You do?" he continued, to which you nodded. "If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?" You squinted your eyes and held your fingers up to your chin, expressing you're thinking of an answer in movie-like manner.

"Right now, I'm feeling like... Hawaii." you finally said. He seemed so interested in your answer.

"Wah, it'd be so cool to go there some day."

"Yea, it's like a piece of paradise on Earth."

Unexpectedly, this converation initiated by you made the grocery shopping escapade the most pleasant one you've ever gone on, and Mark accompanied you even after you came back to the dorm and started making the crazy amounts of world's most comforting drink for the bunch of sulky idol kids you were so thankful to have become friends with. The living room was now filled with more members than before; sounds of a video game played by Yuta versus WinWin could be heard over a heated conversation happening between Doyoung and Jaehyun; Taeil sat alone at the dinner table, scrolling intensely on his phone; even Renjun and Chenle, who must've escaped the Dream dorm to hang out at their hyungs' place, were there, leaning over the couch behind Haechan who was still messing with his mobile; and Taeyong just joined, with a slightly-shocked expression on his face as he saw so many people gathered in one medium-sized living room. It’s like everyone was there... except for your Johnny - and that struck you with anxiety. Finishing your duty as the hot-chocolate-assosiation head chef, you poured the drink into all the cups you could find and with help of your convo-partner, served it to the others by placing it on the large dinner table and having Haechan shout "HOT CHOCO Y'ALL" as he saw you put the trace down. You went up to Taeyong to ask about Johnny jist to have him lead you to their shared bedroom, where you found the target sat on the bed, looking quite distressed.

"I made you an extra-large cup of hot cocoa so if you don't come out to join the party, it'll just turn into cold cocoa." you said with a smily expression. "And most likely end up being consumed by Haechan anyway." You made your boyfriend laugh for a second, but that quickly turned back to the colon-slash emoji expression. It was the image of someone who's seriously bothered by a mess of thoughts. And everyone knew what it was all about. He sighed before opening his mouth, letting a fistful of words hastily fall out.

"Look, I know it was so wrong or weird to say that, especially so randomly and under such circumstances and I don't even know why it came out of my mouth right then and there, and then I made it even worse by panicking and stupidly escaping, like what kind of pers-"

"And I love you, too." you cut him off, finally returning the confession. It took him by surprise, but it was a pleasant one, like when you r mum is the only person to call you on your birthday but then it turns out it’s because your friends were busy throwing you a secret birthday part. And you didn't just say those words because you felt you were compelled to do so. You meant it, as you figured it out just two minutes ago, when you stood in that room filled with too many people you dearly care about and yet felt some sort of emptiness, because he wasn't there. He appeared to be at a loss of words, which was a rare occurence for Johnny Seo. He was just smiling, looking at you, and you felt so sure now, you were in love."I always felt nervous when we kissed on those days where I'd think too much about the meaning of love, or what it should be like, what the movies and books have taught me, and how maybe I'd never be ready to open up, be this or be that, how I may ruin it all one day, this friendship, because I was careless enough to let myself cross this line and engage in romance. You see, I've never been with anyone before and it's not like I never had the chance to date, it's that I convinced myself it's better to be alone, because being with somebody is too hard, too risky, too complicated and I hated the idea of that... but it isn't like that at all with you. It's just so easy with you, on those days where I don't let my thoughts enhance the fire that lits up my anxiety, on those days where we just kiss through smiles and I feel the goddamn butterflies, it just feels so right. You and I, it feels so right, and I figured that it could be like that on all days, if I just let myself go, and it's so hard because I like control and I wired myself to believe I'm better off alone because that way I can't end up getting hurt, but for you I'd try and for you I'd take the risk. And now I realize that all of these things mean I'm, in fact, in love with you, and I love you." The raw monologue turned out better than you thought, almost free of stumbling on your own words. He listened to you so intensely through all these words, watching your lips move and your eyes wander. Without responding, he got off the bed, stood up and slowly walked up to you, gazing into your eyes for what seemed like too-long of a moment, before he finally spoke, now with calmness in his voice. No more awkward rambling.

"The only time or reason I ever felt nervous was not knowing if you feel the same way. But now I do. I always felt at ease with you, it is just so right, like you said, I just feel so happy when I'm around you and these days I'm happy a lot with the life I'm lucky to be living, but you are a different kind of happiness... and that's how I knew. And, so, I love you." Now you were the one who couldn't say anything. Your gut was burning up and a shaky smile was glued on your face."Oh, and also, when I'm horny, I can't think about anyone else but you anymore." he added and you burst out laughing, him alike.

"Couldn't let this scene be all-too-serious, could you." you laughed.

"Nope." he said, with a goofy smile on his lips.

"Well, I think all that needed to be said, was, and I don't wanna rush things... but there's luke-warm cocoa to be drank..." you joked, too, making him laugh once again. The abolute U-turn this conversation took was just the perfectly accurate image of your relationship - almost never too serious despite serious feelings."I swear, if Haechan drank it, I'm gonna beat his shawty ass." you added as you turned around to open the door and make your way to the busy room.

"Babe, I think you're shorter than him."

"No, the proper response is 'Of course I'll help you beat his shawty ass up, babe'" you sassed as a reply.

"Sorry, I'll note it down and do better next time, mademoiselle."​

[saltedcaramel-macchiato]

Just a sip

To tell you honestly, I like getting attention and getting the reaction I wanted from people. It is like hearing praises and people thinks of me. I’m sorry but I like it when people give me attention like wow this person is actually thinking of me. This kinda sound vain. But this is me.

Well, anyways, I did not expect to gain attention from my blocmate. He’s an AB Political Science stude. Truthfully, when I first saw him, it was like I saw him before when I was in high school. I wasn’t just sure. I even asked my former high school classmate if he knows him. But nope, he doesn’t.

When he approached me for the first time and he introduced his self to me, we shook hands. Well, I find it awkward because twas too formal considering our age and this generation. His hand was warm though and I can his warmth radiating (woaw)

Then, he started talking to me a week after that through chat. I find it cool because he seems comfortable to me. A lot of my classmates give off an aura that I intimidate them. At one point in our conversation, I joked ( should i refer it as dark joke? because this made the situation bad). He suddenly asked me if I have a boyfriend. I was like .... okay ... why would he ask?? i think i know where this is heading uh-oh. So, I told him the truth, I dont have one. And he was like all happy. Then, I asked him the same question He said they just broke up. So I was like cool, okay. Maybe he was just looking for comfort and a friend.

He asked for my number after that and said he’ll call me. I panicked. I am not used to people calling me after getting to know them. He’s practically still an acquaintance. So I refused and rejected his call. He told me I should answer it. He said he’s just going to ask a question so yeah okay. Then he asked it again. I finally said, “I dont have one but I am not available.” Then he was like when will I be available and he said he’ll wait til I am available and he’ll ask a question again. 

After that, he kept on calling me. I did not answer most of his calls especially if it was not that important. And during our Solidarity Night, he asked to danced with me and take a picture with me. 

I was really overwhelmed. He’s so aggressive. I wasn’t even sure if he likes me or what.  I got really annoyed with him calling me. So, I said to myself, I should make it clear to him that I am not into relationships and I don’t like getting involve in something messy. So I told him that when he asked me if it is okay for him to court me. I was really sorry for ending it that way. But he’s too fast considering he was in a recent breakup.

I wasn’t able to tell him that we can still be friends. That I can still be his friend. But it is the most that I can offer.

I think he even misunderstood what he saw (me and David hugging). Well, we hugged because he was so kilig with his crush ate Jewel. because I kinda made it possible for him to get in touch with her ugh. Maybe he was thinking, I am pokpok ololololol well, i like skinship bakit ba. So yun, I just want us to be friends.

PS. He’s gwapo and tall and maputi and sweet and thoughtful and funny. A guy anyone can like. But I don’t know. I just don’t like him in a romantic context

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

Okay...weird shit happejed to you throuout yojr life, but has anything happened on Halloween specifically (other than you selling your soul to a demon)

Alright, it’s time for the requested and promised Ouija Board Story™

Listen, before I start this I wanna put a REALLY STRONG trigger warning on it- I really, truly recommend you not read this if you’ve been affected by suicide or get very easily freaked out by thoughts of death and the afterlife. I am not fucking kidding around here, okay? Someone in my family killed themselves over the summer and I’ve been trying so hard to not think about this whole event, because it’s terrifying to imagine anyone I know in this situation. Really think about it before you keep reading, okay? While this is an interesting and cool story I’m posting for Halloween, I don’t wanna get anyone too freaked out. If you think this is gonna mess with you or sit with you, just keep scrolling. 

This happened in 2015. My friend Zoe (@commando-rogers) decided to have some friends over for Halloween, because like, who doesn’t want plans on Halloween, right? Also there was Alexa (@starshiprangpr), Patricia (@trishaslats), Liz, and Ian (I don’t know if they have accounts if they do I’ll add them later). I’ve known these guys for years, so it was sure to be a fun night. 

Now, like. I’m bored with life. I’m freshly 20 years old. It’s Halloween. I’m dressed like Mabel Pines. I’m ready to fucking party. And we did have, you know, regular, normal fun at first- ate junk food, joked around, stuff like that. Average hangout. But then, a few hours into the night…Zoe pulls out a fucking Ouija Board. 

I’m immediately on the other side of the room, tbh. I’m very interested in paranormal stuff, and I was raised Catholic, and I’m also not a dumbass, so I know not to fuck around with Ouija Boards. You just don’t use them, ever! It’s never a good idea! Even if nothing talks to you through it, you’re still opening yourself up for something to happen. But I also knew this was five against one, so I didn’t stand much of a chance complaining. I conceded to watching whatever happens from a safe distance on the couch and not actually touching the board. Lord knows, I insisted, with my luck? Touching the board will get my ass possessed. 

The girls seemed to somewhat agree with me on that- Ian was the only person who agreed to use the board with Zoe. Ian’s a very smart, logical guy, you know, like the token genius asshole friend that you love to death even if he gets a little condescending occasionally? Love the guy. But he was pretty sure it was all bs and nothing would happen, versus Zoe’s deep belief in the paranormal, so they made a bit of a weird pair working the board. I remember texting my friend Raychel about what was about to happen, and getting the response “YOU MOTHER FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE FIT ALL THE HORROR MOVIE ARCHTYPES GET YOUR BULLSHIT TOGETHER AND DONT DO THIS”. And I agreed with her, honestly, but I did actually have a strong curiosity to see if anything would happen. Zoe had told me all about her trying to use the board by herself before (bad!!! idea!!!)- she said she never got any words out of the board, but her camera or phone or whatever she was trying to film the session with would always malfunction or die unexpectedly. No one expected what happened though. 

Now, before I really start, I wanna say- could this have all been an elaborate hoax by Ian or Zoe? Sure. Absolutely. Believe that if you want- but Zoe was so freaked out and even got all shook when we were going over details the other day, and Ian seemed really rocked, and honestly I can’t think of anything they’d get out of keeping up a ruse on it for two years now, especially when people they’re good friends with were literally crying during this mess, so…I really don’t think this was fake. Like, I want to believe it was fake. As I mentioned in the trigger warning, this has really stuck with me and been bugging me as of late, so if one of them suddenly fessed up that it was a prank? I would fucking jump for joy! But it doesn’t look like that’s the case (otherwise, they’re just, you know, dicks by this point). So, anyway, whether you believe it or not, just know that I am absolutely not lying about anything that happened in this story. I’m recounting everything truthfully. 

Okay, so…Ouija Boards have rules, you know? You have to be polite, say hello and goodbye even if nothing speaks to you, you have to keep at least two fingers on the planchette and ‘charge’ the piece, I’m not going over all the guidelines right now. And also, when a living person is manipulating the planchette…Like, you can tell. You can feel it. Zoe and Ian charged the piece, we all said hello, and we waited in silence. 

Zoe asked ‘Is there anybody here?’

Nothing happened for a long moment, but then…the planchette slowly started sliding towards ‘YES’. 

Ian was trying to look like his eyes weren’t wide, and going ‘Zoe! Zoe are you moving it!’ but Zoe was already having a mild freak out, her voice higher then normal and repeating ‘Holy shit holy shit holy shit!’ (like I said…she’s a deep believer in the paranormal). 

When it finally landed on yes, she took a deep breath and tried to seem a bit, I guess, politer. “Um, okay, hi, I’m Zoe? This is Ian and our other friends. What’s your name?”

…K…E…V…I…N.

Patricia made some joke about the name but got shushed. 

“Are you…usually in my house?”

‘NO’.

“Are you…here for someone?”

‘YES’.

We’ve only been at this for a few minutes and there was already that feeling in the air- you know, the one that gets over described every time anyone recounts a paranormal experience? Just a heavy feeling in the air, a twisted feeling in your gut, the feeling that someone is right behind you. Tension was building even though nothing had really happened to warrant it yet. 

“Who are you here for, Kevin?”

The planchette starts to slide towards the ‘I’. Cue to five girls yelling “IAN” in high pitched, worried (and some teasing) voices as the boy in question’s eyes are flying out of his head. 

It spells out the rest of his name. Zoe asks, “Is there anything you want to say to Ian?”

…H…E…L…L…O.

Me, an asshole who needed to cut some tension before she got sick: “Hello from the other side~~~~~~”.

Pillows were thrown at me.

The board respelled ‘Hello’. 

I will literally never forget the awkward forced smile on Ian’s face, or the raised eyebrows, or the way his confused voice cracked when he said, “…Hi, Kevin?” 

…H…I.

“How do you know Ian?”

…F…R…I…E…N…D…S.

Ian looked at is, giving an insistent whisper of “I don’t know any dead Kevins!”

That had us all stumped for a few moments, before “Do you think maybe like, past lives?”

Zoe asked Kevin if that was right. The planchette flew to the ‘YES’. 

“So Ian was your friend in his past life then? Who was he?”

…E…V…A…N.

“Evan! So how did Evan die?”

…C…A…R.

“Oh. Were you, like…with him?”

‘NO’.

“How did you die then?”

Nothing happened for a few minutes, the piece didn’t move an inch. They recharged it and Zoe tried again. “Was that a rude question? Do you not want to talk about that?”

‘YES’.

“I’m so sorry, we’re not trying to be rude.”

…F…I…N…E.

We started brainstorming for better questions (Zoe or Ian had to be the ones to formally ask, though). 

“Where were you from?”

…O…H…I…O.

“And what year did Ian die?”

(I’m going to admit here that I can’t remember the exact year, it was definitely around the 1920′s or 30′s, though. We all thought it was a bit odd that the death year wasn’t exactly close to Ian’s birth year)

“What year did you die?”

He spelled out the same year. 

“Oh? Um…how long after Evan did you die?”

A long pause, and then: …W…E…E…K. 

“But you didn’t reincarnate like Ian?”

‘NO’. 

“Why not?”

The board fell silent again. They recharged. “Sorry. Um…Why did you decide to find Ian in his current life?”

…B…E…S…T…F…R…I…E…N…D. 

Before we could all start flat out cooing at that, it kept going, spelling out ‘…S…A…F…E.’

“Oh, so you’re his guardian angel?”

…C…L…O…S…E. 

“Close?”

No response. “Okay…How did you know Ian was Evan?”

…H…I…S…E…Y…E…S. 

(cue everyone going ‘awwwww’) “You have the same eyes when you reincarnate?”

‘YES’. 

“So…what were you doing before Ian was born?”

It fell silent again. 

“Kevin? We’re sorry?”

…F…I…N…E. 

“What did you mean by ‘close’ to a guardian angel? Are you not an angel?”

‘NO’.

“So…what are you, then?”

…S…T…O…P.

“Okay, sorry. Um…Is anyone else here with you?”

…Y…E…S.

“Who’s here with you?”

…D…E…A…T…H.

DEATH.

WHEN I TELL YOU WE SCREAMED. No one was Goddamn prepared for an answer like that! We’re just a bunch of asshole teens! None of us actually wanna die! What the fuck!!!! 

While we were all busy freaking out and trying to rationalize, Zoe managed to choke out a “Is…Death here for someone in this room?!”

‘NO’. 

“Is Death going to effect someone in this room?”

‘NO’. 

That got us to all calm down slightly, but….We were literally just told DEATH IS AMONG US. We were still freaking out, and were trying to figure out what Kevin meant by that. After a while though, something clicked. 

“Kevin? Does Death just have to be with you in order for you to talk to us?”

‘YES’.

THIS.

THIS LITERAL GODDAMN GHOST GOT PISSED OFF AT US.

AND SAW THE OPPORTUNITY TO FUCKING TROLL A BUNCH OF SHITTY TEENS. 

AND HE GODDAMN TOOK IT.

I HAVE NEVER RESPECTED A MAN MORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I STILL CANNOT GET OVER THIS. Eternal hats off to you, Kevin, oh my God.

We all slowly recovered from that scare, a little more wary about pissing Kevin off but also…more curious, because there was a lot to ask and a lot he seemed to want to hide. 

“Um…so is Heaven and all that real?”

A very, very long pause. Zoe and Ian almost went to recharge and try a new question, but then it slowly slide over to ‘YES’. 

The pause seemed to make it clear it wasn’t something he really wanted to go into. But, “So…what’s Heaven like?”

A long pause. …D…R…E…A…M.

“…And…is hell real?”

The planchette immediately flew around the board, spelling: …N…I…G…H…T…M…A…R…E.

None of us really knew what to say about that. 

We asked a few more questions, but Kevin still didn’t want to talk about himself that much. He liked talking about Evan, though (After this night, we had a running joke for a little bit about ‘cant believe we’re shipping Ian with a ghost’. There were some ‘implications’ I remember we all picked up on) But he still avoided questions pertaining to him. Zoe had a very worried look on her face around this point. She had been very curious about Kevin’s unwillingness to talk about certain topics, and things were slowly piecing together in her mind. She tried once more to get answers. “Kevin, I’m really sorry for asking, but I just- Um, I’m sorry, but did you kill yourself?”

There was a bright flash in the room. 

That made everyone jump and look around- we had caught it in the window, but we couldn’t see anyone outside or around the house. Zoe’s parents and brother were upstairs. We couldn’t find anything that would have caused it. It was just a flash, but we were completely alone and with the timing of the question…Well, everyone was unsettled about it. 

We eventually settled back down and recharged the board. “Kevin?…Did you?”

Slowly, it slid towards the ‘YES’. 

“…Because Evan died?”

‘YES’.

“And…that meant you couldn’t be reborn?”

‘YES’. 

“So…what happened?”

It stayed still. 

I had a very sick, sinking feeling in my stomach at this- I’d gone to Catholic school for 9 years, and I knew suicide is classified as a sin. In the more modern times the Church stopped being awful about it, always prayed for suicide victims and didn’t deny them burials anymore and always told the families the same spiel about being in God’s hands, but…It was still considered a mortal sin none the less. I told the group as much. 

Zoe said in a small voice “Were you…in hell?”

A long pause. ‘YES’. 

Fuck.

“Um…for how long?”

…F…O…R…E…V…E…R.

“That’s why you’re not a guardian angel then? Because you were in hell?”

…D…E…M…O…N.

“How did you…get out to find Ian?”

…L…I…L…I…T…H.

We’d all been on edge with the turn of the conversation, but that. Fuck. I nearly lost it at that. Zoe and the other’s asked who Lilith was, because she’s not common curriculum, but, well, short story answer- She was created before Eve, but she didn’t want to submit to Adam, so she was tortured to give birth to a dead child every day, but other accounts and stories of her do go on to say she became a lead torturer/essentially queen of hell. Fucking. 

“Lilith let you out of hell?”

…Y…E…S.

“Why? Like what for?”

…I…D…O…N…O…T…K…N…O…W.

“You don’t….You have no idea why they let you out?”

‘NO’. 

“So you found Ian and became his…Guardian demon? Is that a thing?”

…Y…E…S.

“Does everyone have one?”

…Y…E…S. 

“Do I have an angel or a demon?”

…D…E…M…O…N.

Zoe, even though she’d been talking to a seemingly reasonable demon all night, looked a little worried about that. Back then we had a running joke in our friend group that Zoe was Satan, and well “Um, do I have a demon because of all the jokes I make?”

…Y…E…S.

“Um??? I’m sorry? Fuck.” 

We were all a little #shook but trying not to laugh at the look on her face at that. She went on to check with Kevin that having a demon instead of an angel didn’t actually mean anything bad, she wasn’t in like, undead trouble or anything, the only difference is the demons are usually working off a debt or something versus the angels not…But when Zoe and I were going over this the other day, she did suddenly realize that she hasn’t made a single Satan joke since this night and she’d ‘feel weird if one was made now’. Make of that what you will. 

He said me and the other girls all had Angels (Shoutout to you, Sarah! I’m still kicking at 22!).

Patricia, however, wanted some proof that ‘Helena’ existed and was there for her. Which is reasonable. She asked if her angel wanted to tell her anything. There was a brief pause before the planchette spelled out: …E…R…I…K…I…S…G…O…O…D. 

We were y e l l i n g. Listen, I know that’s clearly not going to be convincing evidence to a bunch of random people reading this, but basically Erik had been dating her best friend at the time and she was just…Very worried about the relationship. Very worried. For many reasons.‘Erik is good’ is exactly the thing she needed to hear from a guardian angel. (And, spoiler alert from two years in the future: he IS good!) But like. She teared up hearing that. It was nice. 

We tried to stray into lighter topics than the whole hell thing, because, again, fuck- I remember thinking to myself at some point ‘this poor guy is after-living the plot to a really great book’- but none of us wanted to upset him again and none of us wanted to get anymore upset ourselves. Liz had already had a panic attack by this point (the hell talk obviously got to her), and she was actively trying not to sob as she asked if she could speak to any passed on family members. We were told pretty much everyone gets reborn and there was no one else around except for Kevin and the other guardians (and good ole’ Death, of course). 

Ian’s got a big birthmark on his face, right? It’s adorable and we often made a lot of jokes about it (fondly), so at some point, while trying to stay on lighter topics, someone asked ‘Did Ian have that birthmark in his past life?‘

…S…C…A…R.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about that theory that birthmarks have to do with how you died in a past life, but….shook. We all started trying to figure out if we had any meaningful birthmarks. Zoe got further freaked out because she has one on her wrist and one on her temple. What the fuck did she theoretically get up to in a past life?

That was the last really substantial thing he gave us, all the other questions tapered off so we could try to pretend we hadn’t learned we were talking to a demon who went to hell for no seemingly good reason and also no one would be able to talk to dead loved ones. After we finally came to a loss for questions, and people started having to leave- we just did the proper ‘goodbye’ and everything, followed all the rules, put the board away and split up. Liz was still drying her eyes when she left. Ian was mumbling to himself and swearing up and down he didn’t fake all that.  Zoe was frantically researching the information we received and kept repeating that that was the craziest fucking thing that ever happened to her (and she actually did find some thread about guardian demons). We talked about it for a bit before I went home. 

And, it’s like…Again, this could be nothing. But it doesn’t feel like nothing. It feels like a shifted view because…Even if it’s not real, it’s still an outlook on the afterlife that I had never considered before, and it’s…horrifying? This whole night I’ve just never been able to shake, I can’t get it out of my head, because if it is true? Fuck. If it’s true, fuck. The whole drive home I couldn’t help but think ‘ignorance is bliss’. 

It just left me with so many questions, questions I literally don’t think you can get the answers to until it’s too late, and…I don’t know what to do about that.