#i'm just set out to make it even nicher

[little-whats-her-name]

all i can think of when watching that scene is that line from What Do You Want Paul but it's Herbert talking about Elena

🎶i want you to choke me while i... jerk off🎶

a little chokey-tuggy in the budoir.

how are we doing regime fam?

[harukamitsuki]

I'm procrastinating writing at the moment, so I decided to create a list of the things I hate about Voltron, a show I can't help but love and rewatch 200+ times. I mean. I've been pretty damn vocal about one thing in particular, but I should probably remind people I hate other things too so...

This list will be long, so read more under the cut!

1 - Okay, let's just get the obvious one out of the way: Lance. Reasons why can be seen here, here and here. The first link really goes into the details, the second one is more confusion as to why people think Lance is treated the worst, and the last is more why Lance would be horrible as Black Paladin. MOVING ON TO NEW POINTS!

2 - The ships. Specifically... ahem... Klance, Sheith, Allurance, Lotorance (Lotor/Lance), Shidge (Shiro/Pidge), Shance (Shiro/Lance). Those, in my opinion, are the top offenders. I've explained my grievances with Sheith in a post here. It's not that it's paedophillia, it's the bond. As for the rest, while I dabbled a bit in Klance and Allurance in the aforementioned posts against Lance, I've yet to actually explain.

First of all, the fans are awful. Tip: If you keep trying to force people to like your ship instead of letting them get to their own conclusions, they're just going to hate that ship even more. This isn't a Voltron-specific thing, but it's still rampant.

Second of all, Lance doesn't treat either of them well. He's constantly antagonising Keith, even when Keith stops biting back in season two. The closest he gets to respecting Keith is telling him to suck it up when he's upset that the Black Lion chose him. Keith does try to be amicable to Lance, but it doesn't work because Lance is always picking a fight.

And Allura. Lance is constantly ignoring her boundaries and invading them. There isn't a single moment where they're alone together and they feel like friends, much less pining, before season seven. The only time is when Allura encourages Lance to take up Red, and he didn't even notice she was upset that Red rejected her. In fact, Lance just keeps talking about himself and how he was rejected, ignoring how Allura was rejected twice, and by the Lion her father piloted. Allura also never reacts well to Lance's flirting, always ignoring him and frowning when he does. If Allura, at least, used to laugh at his terrible attempts at flirting, maybe I could try to believe it.

Third, general grievances with these ships.

Lotorance. Lance hated Lotor from the get-go. They barely have a scene together without Lance glaring at him. If they shared some sort of chemistry outside of Lance hating him from afar, and if the writers didn't make Lotor a twist villain for no reason, then maybe. As of now, I only like it as a complete crack ship.

Shidge. Pidge is fifteen. Shiro is twenty-five. You do the damn math.

Shance. I can definitely see Shiro being Lance's bi awakening, if I believed canon Lance was bi. (Canon Lance was straighter than a chopping board, but fanon Lance is a walking bi flag). But them being together? Ignoring that Lance is 17 and Shiro is 25, if you can do that, it wouldn't feel like a healthy relationship. Lance is blinded by hero worship and, from his canon personality, he likely wouldn't realise if Shiro isn't faring well or would just constantly pile his troubles onto him without thinking about if Shiro could handle it. So, yeah, don't like this ship.

So, yeah. I don't like any of the popular ships, which is surprising. I don't hate all of them. I do like Kallura, (should have been canon), and Shallura, (surprising, because I really do like gay!Shiro), and Shunk, (who doesn't, honestly?). But I tend to prefer the nicher ones. Katt (Keith/Matt), Heith (Hunk/Keith), Hance (Hunk/Lance)...

3 - The writing. Usually, I would respect the writers because it's hard as fuck to plan and write an entire series, but they just kept missing. They would set up so many interesting plots and ideas, only to do absolutely nothing with them. This, in and of itself, is not enough to make me lose respect, but that's not all. Plot holes, terrible escalations, too slow pacing, (slow burns are good - great, even - but not when things are supposed to be happening), horrible romances... It's to the point where, for a long while, I avoided the show and only read the fanfiction. There are so many people who don't watch the show, only exposed through fanfiction and social media posts, because the writing just isn't good.

The writers get things right few times. I'm sorry, but if your entire job is to write a coherent, well-thought out story, why did they do such a bag job at it? I'll tell you why - they let the fans control what they did. Shiro was never supposed to come back. He was supposed to die at the end of season two and never come back, but the fans wanted him back so guess what? The writers brought him back! In doing so, they cut right into Keith's character arc and made him go through it off-screen. The fans built Lance up as the main character and fan-favourite? Well, the writers just decide to hand him everything. Reward him for being the fan-favourite and then ruin his character by never making him work for what he got.

The writers decide to pull a J.K.Rowling and went 'aw, yeah, Lance is bisexual!' despite him never showing an interest in a guy throughout the entire show, other than being a big fan of Shiro. They throw in gay!Shiro at the literal last minute with some background character who only ever had one line. Thanks, DreamWorks. It's not like you could've just let Adam live so Shiro could be going home to SOMEONE.

Unexpected things always happen. An actor being unavailable, a sudden irl event making it so the episode you planned would appear tone-deaf, the joke you wrote was less funny and more offensive... So on and so forth. Sometimes you have no choice but to change what you have planned because delaying it would just make the studio and the fans mad. Just... TRY to make it make sense. And don't fold to the fans, dammit. Shiro should have stayed dead because he just doesn't do anything when Allura and Keith saved him. The main character should have stayed as an ensemble, rather than pushing Lance as the central focus, because it would have left less reasons for me to hate Lance and give other, specifically Hunk, the development they deserved.

The show also never adresses traumatising shit, (*cough cough* Keith's sacrifice attempt *cough cough*), but that can be forgiven because it was aimed at children. I do, however, like that LM corrected an interviewer when they asked about Keith 'attempting to kill himself'. It was quickly corrected to 'sacrificing himself' because that's what it was! I'm sick of people acting like he was suicidal because he wasn't. He was actively scared of what he was going to do, i.e. sacrifice his life for everyone's sake. He tried to do it for the greater good. Would you call one of the many who died during wars suicidal? No. You would call them noble and heroic for their sacrifice, because that's what they are. That is what Keith was trying to do. He saw the only way out and decided one life in exchange for the many is a damn good deal and took it. Saying he was depressed and suicidal is undermining the actions he took.

So, yeah. In my eyes, the writers did two good things. Correcting the mistake belief that Keith was suicidal, and creating this shit-fest of a show. (God, I love/hate Voltron).

4 - How Pidge is treated by the fandom. Pidge is so mean. She's rude and callous and selfish and that's okay. What's not okay is acting like these traits make her a queen. She's rude, fine. She's callous, fine. She's selfish, fine. She's incredible for this? Um, no? Stop treating her like she's just sassy. She's mean. I mean, not long after Shiro's death/disappearance, she calls Keith, who is mourning Shiro so deeply, a 'loner'. Without even getting to know him. She just deems him a loner, even though Keith is just so genuinely kind?

Don't get me wrong. I love Pidge. She's great and she's an absolute joy to write. I admire her tenacity in trying to find her missing family members while also able to put the universe before them. Watching her break down about Matt when she thinks he's dead is so utterly heartbreaking because I really did like her.

But acting as if she's perfect because of this? No way.

(Also, I refer to Pidge as 'she/her' only in these posts. I much prefer gender neutral or trans Pidge.)

5 - Hunk's treatment. He deserved SO MUCH BETTER! This sweet, precious boy. He's the only one who reacted approppriately to becoming a child solider. He's an anxious, terrified kid and he's still able to swallow that fear and fight on because there are people, people like Shay, who have no idea what freedom means and if the sky is blue.

He's the only one who has to find and fight for his family when they get back to Earth, which makes me sad. Very sad. He cares so much about his friends. Even if he's scared, he'll still put himself in danger for them.

But the narrative treats him like garbage, reducing him to the comedic, fat joke, while Lance never treats him like a best friend. He deserved so much more than what he was given.

6 - The people in charge were so obsessed with doing every character dirty. They wanted to keep Shiro death, wanted to kill Keith after admitting to not knowing where they were going with him, tried to kill Hunk who did nothing wrong to deserve this, and actually killed Allura off when they realised Allurance would not work in the long-term because Lance would not be able to part from Earth for so long while Allura would not be able to stay confined to Earth at all.

7 - Lance fans would hate him if he was white.

[ectogeo-rebubbles]

I have kind of a niche Garashir fic idea I want to write but I’ve never posted anything publicly before, so I am nervous. But I can’t seem to get over the idea? You’re one of my favorite fic writers, any advice? 💕���

Ooooh, you gotta try to write it!!! I always love to indulge my new ideas that are driving me insane as soon as I can hehe (because part of writing often has to be done after the initial idea no longer excites you quite the same way).

I like that you said it’s a niche idea, too! I do enjoy most of the common fanon tropes and worldbuilding, but it’s always so refreshing when people add something brand new to the Garashir body of literature. And the nicher and stranger the better, in my opinion!! One thing about writing something niche is that maybe it won’t get the same amount of attention as quickly as something that has broader appeal, HOWEVER... I can tell you from experience that when your niche stuff does find its audience (which may take patience and persistence) that audience will likely go absolutely WILD for it. And I always find that very rewarding <3

Is the reason you haven't started yet because you don't quite know how to start? If that's the case, I would recommend writing an outline first. I even sometimes will outline really short oneshots lol, not because I think I really need to, but because that way i at least have a good record of my idea and ALSO because sometimes I can trick myself into just starting to write by taking notes on in outline format until I get to the part I'm REALLY excited about, at which point I realize I'm just writing full sentences instead of notes and I just let it flow from there and go back to fix the beginning later. XD You could also just try to summarize the plot for a friend, that often reveals to me where any structural issues are tripping me up, and identifies what I need to think about more before I set words down on the page.

Idk if you haven't written before or if you just haven't posted any of it, but I want you to know that a few years ago, when I was easing myself back into writing, I worked on writing like 3 or 4 different garashir fic ideas privately before I actually figured out which idea I wanted to write all the way to the end and actually post. Most of those first wips never got posted (and my wip graveyard is still massive and always growing lol) and that's for the best bc I either got bored of the idea or could not yet achieve the story in the way I wanted to. Which is NOT to tell you that this is inevitable or that you should let your inner editor shut you down, but I just want you to know that it's perfectly okay and normal to, like, have to noodle around a bit before you've written something you're happy with.

Speaking of your inner editor, you gotta tune them out while writing a first draft. Don't even worry if the sentence makes sense, just get the words out, and then get the next words out, and then the next... If there is something stopping you from writing the next sentence (a name you need to make up, or something you need to research, or uncertainty about what a character would be doing, or even if you are just blanking on a word) and you are trying to maintain a flow of writing, then write a note for yourself (e.g, "[insert title of a Cardassian novel here]" or "[Julian makes some kind of expression. Surprise? Anger? idk]" or "[synonym for sinister, bc I've used sinister three times this fic already]") and then MOVE ON. You can go back in and fill in those blanks later.

Also, I really really really really like the writing advice of thinking of your first draft as your worst draft or stupidest draft. It's so true and it helps take the pressure off. One related amazing thing about writing star trek fanfic is that if ever you begin to doubt yourself, you can just fondly think about a beloved episode of Star Trek where something very silly or buckwild happens in a very contrived way, and then remind yourself that people LOVE that episode anyway. This is a genuine way that I have reminded myself not to be so harsh on my own writing lmao.

I really working with beta readers, but I know that's not something everyone enjoys and it's def not required. Still, a beta reader can give feedback on your writing to make it clearer, and they'll likely become invested in your fic and will cheer you on, and if it’s longer than a oneshot you can have someone to talk it through with during the writing process. But it might be hard to find someone you work well with and everyone’s beta reading style is a lil different, so I recommend always being very clear about what kind of feedback you want from them (grammar/typos, plot structure, clarity, brainstorming ideas for how to fix this plothole, does this one specific line of dialogue work, etc! whatever aspects you are uncertain about and want help with for that specific fic). And you should know that it’s okay to not take someone's recommendations too, it’s ultimately your fic, so anyone giving you feedback should just be trying to help you achieve your own vision. Still, even in those cases where you don't go along exactly with their idea for what to change, knowing what parts confused them can help you figure out how to get your vision across more clearly.

If you think concrit might actually be demotivational and intimidating (totally get that, back in high school I actually solicited concrit on my fics publicly, as was the custom back then, and received some critiques from some truly well-meaning friends, and the experience STILL rattled me so bad that it turned me off writing for awhile), or if the process of finding someone to beta read sounds overwhelming, I’d recommend that you instead just find a trusted friend who is willing to read over the completed draft, with the understanding that they must simply give you a sanity check and then tell you yep that’s good! Cannot stress enough the power of encouragement and support and having someone hype you up. ^_^

If you are too nervous to post it under your own name, you can post it to the Anonymous collection on ao3. This is a reversible process, so if you want to reattach your username to your fic later then you can!

Anyway, feel free to send follow up questions about any of this or let me know if there's an aspect of writing I didn't mention that is what you're actually stuck on. I hope this helps and good luck and HAVE FUN! Have fun is actually the most important writing advice haha.

(P.S., anon, if you want me to beta read a draft of a oneshot or at least look over a chapter or two if it's multichapter, I am down to do so, just DM me. If not that's fine too, I'm just so so flattered that you reached out to me and I want to encourage you in any way I can! <3)

[eegasleega-will-change-this-l8r]

Sooo I wasn't planning on doing this post just yet and I don't have a good digital drawing of her yet, but

Ana!!

So my take on her is very different from how I think most people imagine her, I wanted to go in a different direction that made her more than just the girl one/ninten's girlfriend/nicher Paula and she's become one of my favorite characters to play around with ^^

Design details and a giant wall of text detailing her character and story below :3

So like the entirety of my interpretation of Ana stems from one thing

That face

T_T

Very prominent eyebrows (Invasion From the Unknown actually mentions the same thing!!! the illustrations don't show it though and there's not really any other similarities between that version and mine), mouth usually spread in a frown, she's not a happy person Pink dress with a white collar and frill at the bottom, pink hat with a black band (or maybe cream with a red/pink band? i might play around with that idk), red shoes and white stockings She almost always wears her hat when she's out, having to leave it behind in Reindeer was very frustrating but she knew she'd get it back eventually at least (And yeah, she's fat. Her sprite doesn't look fat, I haven't seen other designs that make her fat, I didn't really take inspiration from her model because I hate it and it's not really fat either, I just wanted there to be a fat girl who's not, like, a mean-spirited joke, and since MOTHER's sprites are suuuper vague I decided to take advantage of it and design the characters however I wanted. thank god i'm on tumblr and not posting these to reddit or something, they'd crucify me)

Now her character!

Basically, Ana is grumpy and sour Constantly

You can contrast that with Ninten's 24/7 positivity

In general, I see the world of MOTHER 1 being very bleak and gloomy, with Ninten being the sole exception who helps bring light to the places and people whose souls are being crushed by the weight of everything Ana's sort of the final boss of repressed emotions and pessimism for Ninten to tackle (besides the actual final boss, who completely blows anyone else's emotional repression out of the water - I have a Giygas post in my drafts but I honestly have too much to say about him, I need to trim it down ><) It alllllll plays into the themes I wanna play with in my M1 interpretation :3

So Ana was a young girl living with her mother and father in Snowman's local chapel. Even before the Invasion she was pretty well-known for not being particularly upbeat. She was super reserved, pretty much never smiled, and preferred reading and praying to other people's company. She got some of it from her father, who was a priest and raised her to value proper behaviour and following God or whatever, but she's also just kinda like that. Her mother was much warmer, loving her daughter and never judging her for being less outgoing than the other kids, and Ana was always happiest curled up with her next to the fire, listening to a story.

Oh, and of course she's psychic, powerfully so. Bad news if you tick her off. Her family regards it as a miracle from God. She's a little clairvoyant, but not enough to know exactly what the future holds. Just short little confusing snippets and hints of what to do and expect.

One day, everything suddenly changed. The town was hit by an earthquake, everything was covered in darkness, the animals on the outskirts of town went berserk, and people went missing. The sounds and the shaking jolted Ana awake, and she ran down the hall hoping to be comforted by her mother. Opened the door, standing there with a candle, staring at the empty bed and a shattered window.

Ana buried her feelings and set out to try and find her mother (her father just stayed home and prayed, never leaving the chapel), but the monsters and creatures that had appeared were too strong for her alone, and she could only get as far as Reindeer before she had to turn back. But she heard a little voice in her head that told her to leave her hat behind, and she knew that whoever returned it to her would be the person she had to follow to rescue her mother. She waited impatiently back at her home, praying with her father, obsessively reading the news (similar disappearances all over the country, especially in Easter, interesting), and hoping that the hero, "Ninten," would show up soon.

Eventually, after FAR longer than she was happy with, he showed up and. Is this really the hero? This is just some bucktoothed kid and his geeky friend. She shoved down her frustrations along with everything else (at the very least she appreciated finally having her hat back) and told him that she needed to join him. He's happy to meet her of course because he's Ninten ("New friend!" "We are not friends.") And so the trio gets to set off on their journey!

In the completely wrong direction. Why are we stopping in Halloween.

For some reason, Ninten doesn't seem overly concerned about the fate of the world. He and his stupid friend just keep goofing off and hunting for these useless melodies. This isn't a scavenger hunt. The world is gonna be destroyed. She's furious, but she bottles it up. This is the person who's apparently fated to save Earth, so she has to stay with him, no matter how annoying he is or how much time he wastes.

So Ana spends the whole journey getting progressively more ticked off as they keep getting distracted by the hunt for the melodies. Ninten's shenanigans and his relentlessly positive attitude continue to get on her nerves, and she refuses to engage with them. This is a SERIOUS mission, and she's not gonna stoop to their foolish level, even if she has to stick with them.

So I'll be able to get more into the fight among the group when Teddy joins when I do his post, but short story is that Ana is against Lloyd staying. If they're actually gonna see this mission through to its end, someone strong like Teddy's gonna be far more useful, and they've wasted far too much time to let Lloyd slow them down. Her anger's really starting to boil over at this point. They've been together for ages, and they've barely gotten any closer to saving the world.

This all finally comes to a head on the Mountain (I love the Mountain, everything happens on the Mountain). Ninten's starting to lose his cool as the stress of their journey starts getting heavier and heavier, having to leave Lloyd was incredibly painful, and he's angry with her for not having their backs. She snaps that they aren't friends, they're just allies on the same mission, and they can't afford to waste time goofing off and making pals, and the fight gets more and more heated until everything Ana's been holding in finally bursts free.

She's terrified, and she's been terrified ever since her mother disappeared, and she doesn't know if they can really win or if she'll ever see her mother again, and having to just stay bottled up while they just wandered around seemingly not doing anything has been awful, and infuriating, and she can't stop herself from crying anymore.

Ninten quiets down and lets her have what she needs for a few minutes before he tries to comfort her. He didn't realize she was keeping all this inside, and he feels horrible that she was dealing with this the entire time. Once her tears die down, he rests his hand on her and assures her that they're gonna save her mother, and everyone else, too. He doesn't know how, and he's terrified sometimes too, but he also knows that for whatever reason, they need the melodies if they want to win. He apologizes for just ignoring all her feelings for the entire journey, and tells her that even though she's been so firm about not liking them, he doesn't want her to be alone. She can tell him anything, she doesn't need to keep everything to herself. That's what being friends is about, right?

So this is huge for both of them, and it's when Ana finally starts to warm up. She finally sees that it's good to be open and have friends, and that they'll be stronger for it if they're close. And, as they climb further up the Mountain and continue being friends, she starts to realize some muuuuch more uncomfortable feelings, too. Of course she pushes them down at first, but when they reach the cabin, they're alone together, and who knows if she'll have another chance to open up like this, she comes out and asks Ninten to dance.

I flip-flop a lot on whether Ninten actually feels mutually about her (you can choose yes or no when she asks if you like her back, I don't think Ninten's really ready to figure that stuff out for himself), but goddd I love this scene so much, for such a simple, clunky game, its tender moments hit so hard ;-;

So by the end of the story, Ana's reunited with her mother, she finally has friends that she loves and cares about, she's discovered new things about herself, and she's developed a new sense of hope and brightness for the future. A happy ending :)

So that's my version of Ana, I think she's very different from every other version I've seen of her so it's not like I'll ever see content for her that'll really speak to me unfortunately, but I love her and I love thinking about her dynamic with the other characters ^^

[lokilysolbitch]

hello i would like to add some personal examples bc i have chronic nightmares and sleep paralysis

things i do after nightmare:

-sit and stare. the longer i stare the more fucked up the dream was

-i still try to prepare for things that were supposed to happen in the nightmare for a few minutes before i realize realize i don't need to

-if i wake up in the dark and the nightmare was more dread based than fear based, or if it had supernatural horror themes i'll be genuinely paralyzed out of fear until the sun comes up or i can get a light on

-also i will cover as much of myself as possible in blanket. you know so The Bad doesn't get me

-sometimes i wake up and don't even remember the nightmare and then later in the day when i remember The Horrors and im like "😃,,,,,,,,,,,😨"

-sometimes im afraid to sleep again and try to stay awake, sometimes i just accept it, sometimes i try to guess what flavor of nightmare i'll have next

things i do after waking up from sleep paralysis, once i can like, move:

-sit tf up as fast as possible, sometimes i'm wide awake after and sometimes i still feel half asleep, but either way i will get my ass uP even if it feels like i am made of molasses. rip to my phone trying to tell me i'm got my passcode wrong for the 8th time bc i'm to tired to think

-after sitting up long enough i'll re-evaluate going to sleep and if i do, i set a timer for like 2 minutes bc if i get sleep paralysis within that time the alarm vibrating snaps me out of it (not the sound though). and then i keep repeating the timer and sleep in 2 minute increments. sometimes the alarm doesn't go off for some reason and then i am just screwed and may or may not be having sleep paralysis again

other random sleep things:

-when i go to sleep i consider what would be a comfortable position to be stuck in if i get sleep paralysis

-i take naps with some sort of video playing so if i get sleep paralysis at least i'm entertained. i've woken up paralyzed to asmr bf content playing before. it was really helpful actually. none of you can judge me for it bc this is tumblr

-there's a whole system/flow chart for what makes sleep paralysis and nightmares happen more or less often for me and it sounds like someone explaining the rules of the english alphabet and all of its exceptions. (i can sleep during the day but i can't Go To Sleep during the day. sometimes. except if--) basically i will probably just have a nightmare/sleep paralysis

-this is probably a nicher experience but i'm pagan so sometimes i pray during sleep paralysis. i am saying "get me out get me out loki plsssssssssssssssss can you wake me up plssss i love you so much can you wake me up" and it has worked sometimes

-half the time i shoot up into sitting up after a nightmare/sleep paralysis before i'm even aware and every time i'm like "this is just like in the movies"

-sometimes while falling asleep i realize i'm falling asleep and i feel my muscles relaxing and i'm like "SLEEP PARALSIS⁉️🫨" and i snap awake and i have to distract myself with tiktok for several minutes before i try again

-sometimes i use sleep paralysis as a way to practice controlling dreams bc my brain likes the nightmare+sleep paralysis+physical pain(????????????) combo and i would like to change that. i don't think ur supposed to feel pain in dreams but my brain is a little bitch to me apparently. and it hates me

sleep deprivation things:

- i am autistic, but sleep deprived i get VERY fucking autistic, like more than my usual. i'm more sensitive to stimuli and my already low level of masking is even lower. if you say hi and smile at me i will literally just stare at you. smiling back hasn't even crossed my mind. i won't be able to soften my blunt comments. i lose the ability to dissociate through grocery trips. a lot of my safe clothes become unsafe and i can only tolerate skirts and loose shirts bc they don't feel like they're touching me. my meltdowns are generally internalized but when sleep deprived they will probably be external and happen a lot faster

things people do after having a nightmare that isn’t crying

struggle to catch their breath

grab onto whatever’s close enough to ground themselves in reality

become nauseous / vomit

shake uncontrollably

sweat buckets

get a headache

things people do to combat having nightmares if they occur commonly

sleep near other people so they can hear the idle sounds of them completing tasks

move to a different sleeping spot than where they had the nightmare

leave tvs / radios / phones on with noise

just not sleep (if you want to go the insomnia route)

sleep during the day in bright rooms

things people with insomnia do

first, obviously, their ability to remember things and their coordination will go out the window

its likely they’ll become irritable or overly emotional

their body will start to ache, shake, and weaken

hallucinate if it’s been long enough

it becomes incredibly easy for them to get sick (and they probably will)

add your own in reblogs/comments!

[gemsofthegalaxy]

Also I talked about this in another post but it was a reblog of a sort of nicher post, and people don't always see the reblogged version of things SO i'm gonna say it again.

I can understand why Stede left Ed.

Especially with what the Badminton twin said to him, but it definitely has more to it than that. I think that interaction just solidified/named/emphasized some of Stede's fears, ones he was feeling since the moment Ed proposed running away- hell, probably the moment Ed yelled Act of Grace and got himself arrested for Stede.

From our perspective, Ed put everything on the line for Stede, we know that. We've seen Ed's journey, his boredom, the softness that he's tried so hard to cut away from himself & keep under wraps. We can see he adores Stede and we get the sense that this as a true fresh start and he's ready for it. Stede has seen some of this, too, though not every instance the way the audience has. There is still doubt, for him, that this is really what Ed wants.

And it makes sense he doubts Ed. Like, seriously, just a few days ago Ed was running off with Calico Jack, claiming "This is who I am, I am Blackbeard, I like to fuck around and cause chaos and hurt people for fun and I knew you wouldn't accept me like that" despite the fact Stede very much set a ship on fire for Ed not that long ago. Lol.

So, Stede is already in this sort of mindset that Ed wants to be Blackbeard. he likes being Blackbeard, Blackbeard is who he is. They had a mini breakup over it!

But now, a couple days later, Ed's come back and gotten arrested for Stede, he's given up that identity, the very one he said was truly himself and he wanted to lean into, and is offering to do that for good. It's huge, it's romantic, but honestly Stede seems hesitant even in that scene. I bet he's thinking Ed is going to realize he doesn't mean it and resent Stede for it. He doesn't think this is really what Ed wants (and I'm not sure how much Stede wants to run away forever, it's a romantic ideal but, if he does it, he can never go home to even see his kids, anything like that.)

Speaking of!

Stede has also felt immense guilt all season over leaving his wife and children. I don't think it's a "he loves Mary and wants to go back to her", I can see how Ed might think that if he were to find out, but it's made extremely clear in the show Stede doesn't love Mary, he just feels a duty to take care of her, to be the Aristocratic husband and father he was raised to be. So, going back to try to fulfill that duty isn't out of left field, it's been underlying the series the whole time, especially since he just learned that he's been declared dead. Yes, he's the one that left first, but it seems like he wasn't anticipating Mary to cut him off from the other end, declare him dead and be done with it. For one reason or another, he must have thought he would have the option of seeing his wife and kids again some day and I'm sure the idea of never, ever doing that, brought on so suddenly, was scary.

SO. Coupled with the fact I knew the show had an "Angsty end of season" ahead of time, when I heard Ed propose the idea and saw the look on Stede's face i was like "okay. yep." I wasn't surprised at all he decided not to leave with him.

But, at first, I didn't really get why. It seemed like the type of thing Stede would honestly love. He was craving the adventure enough to become a pirate, but honestly it sometimes seems like he could take or leave the violent aspect of it, he just wants to sail and have fun more than anything, but,

After thinking about it and considering the reasons above, I understand why he didn't go, why he would be honestly confused by Ed's proposal and really doubt whether it would work out long term, not to mention just get scared.... It's fucking painful, and I don't like that he hurt Ed in the end. But it makes sense, and it's built up over the whole season, I can't really be mad at him or Ed for the whole situation... which is ultimately brilliant and compelling writing and I really loved it, as much as it hurt.

[raivokasmagma]

What to do with this blog?

I know the things I write about are niche. Like super niche, in the music space at least. I don't really know are there any forums or social media groups where people talk about alternative electronic music (EBM, synthpop, darkwave etc.). I know websites and blogs that publish interviews and album reviews, but they don't seem to get much traction on the comment side. Even podcasts?

I grew up doing hobbies alone or some with one good friend (mostly games). Hard to really find people who were interested in same things in such small town (or more like village). And if I found something in common with other people, I somehow always gravitated to more nicher sub-interests in those circles.

I kind of started writing this blog on Tumblr, because I thought I would have lower threshold to start writing when I get an inspiration and it was easier to set up than some fully fleshed blog site. Like Blogger or a Wordpress site. That's true.

But it feels like this site is mostly focused on other things. So I'm on this small corner of mine, doing my own stuff. Sometimes someone my stumble upon this corner and leave a like. Heck, one time I talked about one artist and the singer of the band sent a thank you message! Probably high point of my blogging career XD

But what to do? I still collect CDs and purchase albums digitally. I don't have really any wild stories seeing some artist live, because it would be so expensive for me to travel to see them, so I've listened music alone in my room or apartment. Or any scene stories, because I'm the local scene, one person.

I could always talk about what some song or album means to me. I have lots of nostalgia. I feel a lot when I listen to music. I could always write reviews, but I feel my opinion changes so frequently, that those reviews could start feel outdated next week.

Or maybe leave this be and move on. At least I have some legacy here?

I still like writing. It's the best way to get my thoughts out there, as I'm bit reserved person in real life. But it has always felt like nobody really cares what I have to say. I make the effort, but it gets buried.

Sorry for the existential crisis, had to get it out. Things have been stressful and I've thought about what is actually important to me. Is this blog important to me? Only I know the answer, I just have to find it.

Haven't bought any music this month. Have to save money :( There are so many albums I'm like "I need to get that!", but I have to hold myself for now. Maybe I could show what I have in my collection?