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districtxii · 5 months ago

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it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball (everlark fic from 2012)

Posting this here on the new dedicated Hunger Games blog. It's the only complete fic I ever posted for this fandom, for a fic exchange back in 2012, even though I spent many hours in private RP.

Link to AO3.

Rating: T Warnings: none Word Count: 6,019 Post-Trilogy hurt/comfort everlark

it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball

🌿

My eyes follow the marks Peeta makes on the page, opposite a long burst of painstakingly neat handwriting that belongs to me. I can see where the pressure of my writing darkened and thickened the lines, corresponding with the moments when I clenched my teeth in anger or struggled for deep breaths that wouldn't turn into easy, overwhelming sobs. Some days it's harder than others, to write down those things that I refuse to forget.

Peeta had reached out and squeezed my shoulder, his thumb running up a cord of tension in my neck, his hand as steady as it is now while he draws on the paper. He asked me if I wanted to stop and I snapped at him, but his hand stayed in place for a while anyway. Finally, I wiped roughly at my face, drying beneath my eyes and against my cheeks and kept writing, causing yet another of the dark marks on a line.

I can't stop writing, even when it's harder to write down the things that had felt like hope, that had made me smile at the time. The things that I might say made me happy are the ones that bring me most dangerously close to stopping. They're all gone now, those moments, taken away or simply over, but I can't forget them. Peeta has forgotten too much, lost too much in his mind, for the both of us.

The sketch begins to take shape from the initial, seemingly random soft lines that look a little chaotic to me. I rub beneath my strained eyes and lean forward across the kitchen table against my elbows to watch more closely as the page becomes something almost living, the ghost of a moment I recalled on the page beside it. When I glance up at him, there is a faint smile on Peeta's lips and I know I'm not returning it. Instead, my mouth is a little agape and I reach for the book impulsively. The edge of the cover brushes against my fingertips as Peeta slides it over to me so I can see the image in the direction it's meant to be seen. I can't help but marvel at how deep the piece of paper has become, as if I could step into it. He captures the past as easily as any photograph, more easily. The drawing looks, feels real, and it's not even finished yet.

“It's good,” I say, remembering that I should probably give Peeta some kind of positive feedback for simply being here with me, for holding onto what he knows. It's more than that, though. It's so easy to forget. For such a long time I was without him. First he was left behind, taken by the Capitol, while I spent all that time in District 13, wishing for a person to be safe, to be there with me—a person who would never really come home. Then Peeta did come back, different, and then gone forever. The boy with the bread, the boy on the beach, not mine anymore and unreachable. Even with the pieces of him that seem to come back and to become a bit more real, natural each day, it's easy to lose just how much of it he was there for. I spent so much time trying and failing to steel myself against the raw, painful truth that the steady, naively adoring, real Peeta was gone, dead, killed in some cold sterile room in the Capitol, that I still don't dare let myself believe that he'll really come back, stay with me. But he was there for so much of what has happened to me, since that first reaping, and what he has drawn matches what's in my head, but he hasn't drawn it just from my writing. It's in his head, too. It belongs to him and he's sorted it free from the shiny, false memories the Capitol gave him.

“Thanks,” he replies in a leading tone that I'm sure is trying to draw a returned smile from me, like he doesn't believe I mean the compliment, but only in jest.

“... I'm going to get some air,” I announce abruptly, pushing the book back firmly into Peeta's possession and getting up from my chair.

“I'll come with you,” Peeta asserts, getting up with an urgency that almost startles me and still makes me worry about his leg. We just stare at each other for a moment and he reaches out to carefully close the book and set it out of harm's way. It's just a reminder that there's no one ever there besides us to spill anything on it or to damage it at all. The world is so still now.

“I'm going out into the woods,” I tell him, almost hoping that it will deter him from following me, but I guess it might be a bit of a test, too. I'm just not sure what I'm testing for.

“... And I'll make too much noise,” Peeta supplies, not quite a question. He looks down, away from me, apparently disappointed.

“No,” I say quickly and then wonder why I did. Now I've trapped myself, though, and have to keep going with the train of thought. “... No, I'm not going to hunt. If anything it might... keep anything from wanting to sneak up on me.”

Peeta's expression brightens a little and he pushes up the chair I had been sitting in, too and moves to follow me out the door. There's a little spark of satisfaction that runs through me when I see some kind of life go back into him at the promise of coming into the woods with me, but I don't trust it. I take a few backward steps and then turn around, tensely leading the way out the door, my thumbs sliding down into my trouser pockets for a moment until I pull them back out, compelled to fidget.

I'm meandering toward town and eventually on to the fence, so Peeta easily catches pace with me and we walk along in silence for a while. It only occurs to me after several minutes to glance over at him to see whether he seems to be enjoying it. I remember the last time he and I walked into town together. I'd asked him if he would run away with me—not just with me, though. My family, his, Haymitch—all gone now except for Haymitch who has enough liquor to last him at least another week or two. For a moment I want to hide my eyes from what remains of the 12 I knew, from what they're building back on top of it, but I keep my feet moving, going through the motions.

“Are you alright?” Peeta asks.

“Great,” I reply, a little breathlessly. I'm a little surprised at my attempt at sarcasm, but then I'm too busy worrying about seeing the raw earth above the mass grave that the Meadow has become. It still isn't much easier and Peeta being with me makes me even more aware. Soon we're passing by where the bakery once was and I notice the momentary falter and subsequent quickening of his step. All the things I know about his family with the exception of his father are somehow negative and fill me with resentment. His bruised face, the way the one brother who could have didn't step up to take his place, but if he had then I'd never have known Peeta at all. The thought gives me pause and I wonder if I should ask him if he misses them, but I know he must and I don't want to talk about all the things I miss anymore today. Instead, I reach out and brush my fingertips along the edge of Peeta's hand, not quite taking it in mine but drawing his attention down to my fingers and then up to my face. I expect some conversation to follow but instead Peeta takes my hand, apparently perceiving some invitation, and I don't revoke it.

When we finally reach the edge of 12, Peeta finally lets go and reaches down to hold up a section of the fencing for me as if I hadn't been crawling under on my own for years. This earns him a strange look from me for a moment, but I'm about to just accept it and squirm my way beneath to show him how at the very least when he speaks up.

“Finally getting out of the district with you... Running away,” he muses lowly, offering a sad smile in place of the hopeful, searching one I've gotten almost used to getting sometimes. The thought that his thoughts run along the same tracks that mine do, that the moments that make up my memory of the past are so entwined with his, makes something catch in my throat and I try to swallow it. I search his eyes for a moment and then look abruptly down at the ground at the looser section of the fence down at the bottom that's familiar.

“We can't run away anymore, Peeta,” I say simply, not sure why his name rolls from my tongue. There's nothing left worth running from and what's left of 12 is all that's left of home. Then I take a deep breath and get down closer to the ground to step through and roll my body beneath the fence to the other side. “Like this,” I say, settling my balance once I've gotten through to the other side. Peeta listlessly lets go of what he'd been trying to hold up for me and instead reaches out for the loose one and tries mimicking my movements with as much grace as he's ever managed. He makes it through, but when he's trying to get his balance again, I hear a metallic snapping that makes me terrified that the electrical current in the fence has gone live again even though I know better. Instead of being electrocuted, Peeta just stumbles back a little and I instinctively reach up to stop his progress backward. My hand against his back seems to give him the stability he needs to stop. He's holding the fencing still when he's much too far out from it because it has snapped away from one of its posts. I stare at it and at the slacked gap that it's now left just above the ground, a window between two places, the woods and the district, that I still can't imagine ever really touching.

The breaths that follow from me are a little halted and I find myself looking back at Peeta and wondering just how it was that he survived two arenas, even with my help—and then without it. I swallow hard and try forcing the kind of tentative, hopeful smile he gives me.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

Peeta nods and looks down at the fencing he's holding and lets it down gently, as if it might minimize the damage. While he does this, I look out beyond him and try to decide where to take him. The idea of taking him to the place where Gale and I looked out for such a long time seems wrong, off, so I set off to guide him deeper into the woods toward the only other landmark I can really think of.

- - -

“I didn't know this was here,” Peeta comments with some measure of awe when we're at the edge of the lake, surveying around it, focusing for a moment on the ancient, untouched building hidden away by time.

“You didn't know any of this was out here,” I remind him. Peeta exhales in the same halted way I had at the fence and hearing it from someone else, I realize it's some attempt at a laugh that something broken within each of us blocks from escaping. “... My father brought me here. That's... how I knew how to swim,” I tell him with the most careful confidence I can, as if someone else might be around to hear us and I don't want them to. There's no one else, but I still feel some kind of vulnerability as I admit it.

“I still don't really know how to swim,” Peeta replies after a moment I realize was filled with some acknowledging reverence.

“I know,” I say quietly, giving him that same attempt at a smile and this time we both manage it at the same time. I walk a few paces around the lake's shore and find a gap in the trees were unobstructed sunlight touches down, warming the earth. Then I sit down, leaning back a little against the heels of my hands and nodding for Peeta to do the same if he wants.

He joins me after a moment and I notice that he's looking at me in the light with startling clarity, his gaze moving down until it falls against my stomach. I straighten a little and draw up my knees, tugging down at my shirt but finding that an extra fold of fabric bunches against my thin body. I'm not actually emaciated the way I got dangerously close to being at one point since we got home, but I'm not wearing the clothes that still hang in my closet that were from Cinna, tailored for the girl I used to be.

“I could teach you,” I decide quickly, looking up to Peeta's face and hoping to catch his eyes, to steal them away from my body.

“What?” he asks, startled.

“I could teach you how to swim,” I say more idly, hugging my knees and then leaning my chin against one of them.

“Are you sure--” Peeta starts to ask dubiously, looking out at the water contemplatively.

“I taught Gale,” I say quickly, cutting off any argument and staring out at the water, my face flushed with something I tell myself isn't shame. There's no reason for it to be, but I can't deny that there's a tightness in my stomach that no longer feels like confusion, really. Gale's gone, too, and I don't need him. When silence is what follows, I finally furtively glance over at Peeta and am relieved when I realize he hasn't become angry. Instead, I see him nod if only to himself and then shift to get back up to his feet.

“Okay,” he agrees as he offers me a hand I don't need to help me up. I get up on my own anyway, dusting my hands off on my pants and glancing at the water as I consider what I need to do. Again I've volunteered for something without thinking it through, without letting myself think it through because I can't stand the alternative. Now I've put Peeta's life in my hands again without any hesitation. For a moment all I can see in the water is the potential for him to sink beneath into the shadows provided by the trees. Even if I could get him back to shore, I don't know how to do the pressing on his chest, the kissing him that Finnick had known how to do to breathe air and life back into him. I simply can't let that happen. I can't let Peeta drown, can't let him die.

“You've got to do everything I tell you,” I insist when I face back to him, cementing my demand with a stern expression.

“Yeah,” Peeta agrees with some kind of dismissive reassurance, widening his eyes at me a little. “I know... I've got no idea what to do in water much deeper than a bathtub.”

I catch my breath and nod, first at him and then toward the water.

“Take off your clothes,” I tell him, not making eye contact as my hands go down to the bottom hem of my shirt. I realize too late that I hadn't really thought through the idea of distracting Peeta from looking at me. The only way I can get myself to proceed with taking off my shirt is steeling myself with as many layers of defiance as I can to remind myself why it shouldn't matter. As the fabric catches on my fingers and drags up across my stomach, I remember how I'd once tried everything to insist that I not take off Peeta's pants to examine and clean an almost certainly fatal wound. Now my body is scarred, lines running across it where surgeons have left marks where once different doctors had removed all traces of everything I'd ever touched, but Peeta has scars, too.

“What?” Peeta asks, breaking my resolve with a single syllable and causing me to quickly lower my shirt back down just as it had made its way midway up my abdomen. I look at him, nearly glaring but then realize that it's pointless. He hasn't suddenly grown shy or reprimanding or squeamish I gradually realize. He's just surprised, confused.

“... So the water won't drag. You're less likely to get hurt if you're not all weighed down.”

Peeta considers and smiles wryly.

“Just never thought I'd hear you say that to anyone.”

“You can leave your underwear on if you want,” I say calmly, having resolutely decided to keep mine on. There had been no secrets about my body between my stylists and me, but Peeta is different. He's seen me nearly naked quite a number of times and I think of the way my last arena outfit had torn. Only then does it occur to me that I've brought Peeta back to another shore, another beach, but even as I narrow my eyes at him I cannot imagine being the girl, him being the boy that had lost themselves to something I still can't name in one another's kisses. It just makes my skin flush and a lump of regret weigh on my chest and then my throat.

“Deal,” Peeta agrees and then he's pulling off his shirt and I decide to let mine join his at the same time. I get mine over my head just seconds after he's dropped his to the ground and then I'm glad I am wearing a real bra rather than simply wrapping my chest the way I had done before I'd ever gone to the Capitol. I'd owned one bra before then. When I hear my shirt fall down against his I look up for a second and catch him doing the same. I'm not sure if it makes it easier or harder, to have our knowledge of the state of one another's bodies become experience and reality. We don't approach each other and there's nothing said about it, but scarred we are but he's remarkably the same. I just momentarily let myself wonder if he thinks the same about me. Then under some silent agreement we look away from each other again, not quite making full turns toward the water as we both remove our shoes—it takes Peeta a little longer with his artificial left leg but not much anymore—and then our trousers join our shirts on the ground in a mingled pile.

The next time our eyes meet, I hurry over to the edge of the water, feeling the more coarse soil beneath my bare feet. I kneel down and brace myself for the feeling of water completely surrounding my body for the first time since the last arena and am helplessly reminded of Annie for a second. It won't be abrupt, though, or terrifying, to wade out into the water until it's deep enough to lose my footing. I look up when Peeta joins me and my eyes run along the complex artificial limb that he hardly seems to notice at all now.

“What do we do first?” he asks.

“Are you afraid of the water?” I ask, getting back up as I feel less compelled to curl my body in against itself.

“I'm afraid of drowning,” Peeta quips but he doesn't seem very nervous. He trusts me now. He's always trusted me, even when he shouldn't have, as long as he could remember that he wanted to.

“Don't be,” I demand, then let my expression soften, looking over at him less intensely as I swallow down the anger I feel at the suggestion. “I'm not going to let you,” I say more quietly. I reach for his hand again, a little less reluctantly than back in town, taking it gradually with my fingers. “First we need to get you used to the water. We can wade out for a little while, but let me keep a step ahead so I can feel for where it drops off,” I explain, taking the first two steps out into the water. I take a deeper breath, surprised at how cool it is on the warm day. Peeta follows me and I glance back and see his jaw tighten a little once we're deep enough for him to feel the water up to his right knee.

“Colder than you'd think,” he comments.

I look up at the canopy of trees that almost completely surrounds us and nod in that direction as I look back down to meet his eyes.

“Lots of shade and it's not really into the summer yet. We can go in a little faster,” I suggest with a bit more of a smile that I feel tightening my cheeks, almost instantly making them ache. “If you think it'll help.”

“You're the mentor,” he replies easily and for a second I wonder if I should give into the stinging the word causes. Haymitch isn't a mentor anymore and the word doesn't hold the same meaning it did in the world before. I guide Peeta a little further into the water, focusing on its rippling surface to keep him from noticing how my brow has furrowed. I catch our reflections anyway in the part of the water that's illuminated by our gap in the trees and I remember the way Finnick would joke about dying so easily with a rope, how it made us laugh. Laughing then might be one reason I'm alive, we're alive, today even though Finnick is gone. I frown a little more tightly and then all at once I'm letting myself smile again and nodding as I look back up. “Don't let yourself tense up. Your muscles cramping is one of the easiest ways to drown if you can't stand up,” I warn patiently.

Peeta nods and looks apprehensively further out into the lake, but he just tightens his grip on my hand. He trusts me.

He trusts me, so I take his other hand and feel my feet backward along into the lake, letting myself trust him a little, too. Sometimes I feel a tiny plant snap beneath my feet but my feet are tough enough for it to not cause me any real pain and when I'm confident about how far we can go back I try and get a little momentum to draw us both into the water about chest deep. The sound that's drawn abruptly from my mouth is a shrill gasp as the sensation of unexpected cold overwhelms me for a moment. I know I'm breaking the rule I just gave Peeta, my body tense as I try not to shiver, but we're both still firmly on foot. I open my eyes, letting them refocus on Peeta's face and he's grinning but his breath has quickened, too, and I think one of the reasons his teeth show with his smile if that he's trying not to chatter them.

“Try kneeling down,” I get out, leaning a little until I've bent at my knees and feel them knock his, the water rising higher against my body. Peeta follows my instruction and I can feel his body heat and then a faint indication of his heartbeat as I move my cautious grip up from his hand along his arm until I feel the firm muscles just beneath his shoulders. We search each other's eyes and then Peeta's teeth do chatter once and I'm breathing fast, but this time it's that same thing I had recognized earlier as an attempt to laugh. This time I try letting myself and a faint sound comes out and it's unfamiliar, foreign even, but it catches Peeta's attention as much as mine and he smiles in return. “It gets easier after a few minutes,” I try telling him, reminding myself as I find myself wishing that the rest of the water were as warm as I feel where my skin almost touches Peeta's.

He moves abruptly in the water and I flinch, but then he's just reaching for my hair, catching some of it that has come loose on the side opposite my braid that falls along the side of my face. He draws it out a little and examines it quietly before tucking it behind my ear, his hands a little less steady than they usually are. He's still trying not to shiver and so am I. I feel my eyelids closing when his damp fingertips brush against the dry skin of my ear, but I quickly try to just move past it and swallow down what I'm afraid might be sadness coming back again.

“The next thing you need to do is get out where your toes barely touch, and--”

“Katniss,” Peeta interjects, a soft plea. It catches me off guard so I stop and purse my lips to listen. “It's too cold,” he explains without delay, laughing softly without that broken hesitation.

“No, it's--” I try to persuade him gently but then my words catch because I'm breathing deeply again against the cool water. It's not warm enough to just get used to comfortably. Then I'm laughing too and run my hand up to his shoulder on his right only to lightly push. I don't push hard enough to let him go, though. Even though there's no danger, I'm not about to let him think there's any either. I don't want to frighten him and that's also when it's the worst for him, more likely that he'll forget for a while again and have to find some focus, some kind of pain to hang onto what's real. “Okay. We'll try again in June.”

Then I let go of him and wait long enough to make sure he's headed out of the water too and make my way back to the shore. At the edge, we both sit down and I still stubbornly try letting my toes dip into the water. I know that I could swim in it if I needed to, but the season hasn't warmed enough yet to teach Peeta. Peeta must read my expression as disappointment or something because he immediately tries to reassure me.

“I don't think I really need to know how to swim anyway,” he says.

“You should know if you ever--” I start to snap in reply but then I stop arguing and won't even let myself follow that thought through to conclusion. Peeta looks over at me expectantly but doesn't demand completion. Suddenly weary, I look behind us and move a little closer to the pile of our clothes and decide to let my skin dry a little before I put mine back on. I lie back against the ground, feeling grass against my back and the sun warming my skin. Peeta's eyes follow my movements and this time I don't try covering the network of scars on my skin or anything else, deciding that it really doesn't matter.

“Thanks for letting me come with you,” he says, taking a deep breath that isn't quite a sigh before he follows suit and lies down on his back. I wonder if he's disappointed somehow and about what before I realize that I am. There's an emptiness that settles into my chest again and I'm thinking of being back on shore, back on the edge of something I can't have anymore. I look across the space between us, the full width of the pile of our clothes. I've lain beside Peeta so many times now, shielded from nightmares and darkness by his arms, but the light of day somehow chases away his regained freedom to hold me and all at once I hate it.

“Peeta--” I start, not quite sure what I want to say. I'm not very good at saying something, not even when I need to desperately. His name gets his attention, though, and I lock eye contact with him and try and let it invite me in the way I'm certain he'd been trying too so many times before we lost so much, back when I couldn't see. I crawl the short space over to him and inch by inch settle into my place at his side, easing into the feeling of his skin's warmth the way I'd tried to ease into the water's cold.

“Katniss,” I'm answered when I feel him tensing again.

“Shh,” I try to insist, but then I realize that I'm in his space as much as I'm drawing him into mine. I lean against my arm and look down into his eyes and glance down his chest for a moment before I manage to ask. “Is this okay?”

Peeta nods and shifts to tentatively put out his arm for me and I lower myself down, even more drawn to lying beside him now that I have started to feel some sense of relief now that I've begun the slow, arduous process of working through countless seemingly impossible questions so painlessly. For the first time in a while, I'm too tired to resist a feeling so good as relief and I try tucking my head down against Peeta's damp chest, my ear pressed to the place were I can hear his heartbeat. He moves, though and grabs his shirt from the pile of clothes.

“Wait a second,” he instructs quietly, placing the soft fabric over his shoulder and one side of his chest. “It's dry,” he explains when I look at him with a slight frown. Agreeing to what I feel deeply, almost viscerally is a compromise, I nod and finally find the place against him where the old Katniss would have fit with the old Peeta, more than she ever knew. I can't get comfortable against the shirt, though. I let my arm extend over him, feeling his body heat move through me at each place where I can find contact. A breeze blows across the lake and I roll over slightly toward Peeta and he wraps his arm protectively around me. The real Peeta still wants to protect me. I look down at the color of his shirt and take a deep breath, smelling Peeta's skin on it and deciding that I'd rather see it, too, scars and all.

“Peeta, it's okay,” I tell him. Then I look up at his face and catch him looking quizzically at me. “It's okay,” I repeat. “We can still--” But then I stop talking, face flushing as I realize at least in part what I'm asking for and feel ashamed.

“... Katniss, what's wrong?” Peeta prompts, reaching up and touching the bottom of my damp braid, the way he had touched me before. “What are you talking about?”

I don't want to talk about it because I don't know what to say, so I pull back and think about moving away from him again but then remember something that had worked a long time ago. My lips press to his and I can't quite remember what to do. I'm not the girl who simply, clumsily did back on the beach. Instead, it's so unnaturally still for a moment that I'm not sure it counts as a kiss and that it might even be worse than the first time I'd tried for the cameras.

Then Peeta's hand moves from where he'd pinched the very bottom of my braid to the side of my neck where he steadies me gently and his lips move against mine in turn. His movements are tight, halting as my own, unfamiliar and learning how to do it again, even though it'd always come more naturally to him. After just a moment he tilts his chin down and breaks the contact. I can feel my breath mingling warm and damp with his but he doesn't try for my lips again and I don't know if I should start feeling an even deeper ache of regret. I don't know if we've lost everything as much as I thought he had.

“It's okay,” I plead this time. I'm answered with a light peck of a kiss against my lips that doesn't last at all and a nod that I can feel brushing against my own forehead.

“Yeah, Katniss. Of course it's... okay,” he says, once again taking for granted something that terrifies me a little. I nod and pull back enough to meet his eyes and he smiles at me and I do too. “... I just... don't know what you want, sometimes,” he apologizes, glancing down.

“Neither do I,” I say quickly, a little bitterly but then I realize this isn't the place, the moment for that. There actually is a time now for something else, something a little better. “... Stay with me,” I supply after a moment's searching my mind, the threatening hollow in my chest for the words. I grip at the fabric of his shirt with my fingertips but then realize that he can't feel the tugging and instead pull it back down to the ground beneath us. “Not just... when I have nightmares. When we walk through town or... anytime you need to, it's okay. Stay with me.”

Peeta examines my face so intensely that for a moment I wonder if he recognizes me at all and I have to look away.

“... Always,” he says, an echo and a reminder that he does remember. Then I can't look at him because I know my eyes are wet again but this time not because I'm sad or angry. Instead I press a kiss to his bared shoulder and another a little lower, water from the lake touching my lips. Another breeze blows across the water and over us and I hide from the cold against his body's warmth and feel his hand against the skin between my shoulder blades. When my eyes have stopped stinging, I press my cheek down against his chest, my ear down over his heart again, this time without the shirt between us.

“I'll teach you how to swim when it's warmer,” I insist.

“Yeah?” he prompts, sounding almost amused.

“Well I can't teach you to hunt,” I reply and realize I'm teasing. He laughs again, though I know it's not very funny.

“I'll teach you how to bake when we get back,” he offers, bartering.

“I know how to bake,” I argue, rolling toward him a little firmly and then back since I can't push him but he's undeterred.

“Knowing how to make bread isn't the same,” he teases and I can hear the smile in his voice.

“Fine,” I agree. “I'll let you teach me how to bake, or try. Later,” I try to appease him because I want him to be quiet. I hear him start to reply but I quickly hush him and turn my lips down to kiss lightly against his chest again. He starts to speak again and I sigh wearily and press another slightly more sure kiss to his mouth which he returns and I can feel him smiling against my lips. I wonder if he'd lured me into the kiss on purpose, but I decide I don't care as I break it again and feel my nose brush against the side of his. After a few more tentative, shared kisses I finally lie back down against his chest and he's content to be quiet so I close my eyes and let his heartbeat lull me half to sleep, not hidden away, cold in a cave but warm against his skin in the sunlight.

#everlark #thg fic #the hunger games #the hunger games fic #the hunger games book fic #prix op #prix writing

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throwaway-yandere · 2 years ago

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Happy new year everyone!!! Admittedly I suck at expressing myself so you'll have to forgive me if this comes across as a raw and chaotic mess lol. I'm not tagging the names either cause I'm a coward

It was incredibly fun running this blog!!! I never thought it last this long– and if probably wouldn't have it weren't for leftdestiny-post/shiro commenting on a fic haha (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠). Then I met some wonderful people, starting with like crying anon and their beloved elf darling, poptartthings, thatanonthatabsolutelyroastedtighnari, 😋 anon, veni, 🐠 anon, my mom exiled and hoo my brain is seriously a mess rn i can't type properly but i swear yall mean everything to me it's just that my aunts and uncles are all using the karaoke rn I can't hear my own thoughts but I need to write these all down before i pass out hAHAHHA (⁠ꏿ⁠﹏⁠ꏿ⁠;⁠) they're singing victims of love rn, idk if it's my heartbeat or the speaker anymore send help–

each of yall make me always look forward to waking up the next morning! Ranging from Assistant ✾ & esther anon trying to survive, brosch and their wonderful designs (i often imagine brosch and capitano just drawing designs in silent honestly, couple goals), bakery wondering how to calm dottore, 🐠 and mochi's drawings– you're all wonderful people!! Seriously still can't believe I got noticed my romanticaa and zhongrin what. I still get so nervous when interacting with both help hAHAHAH.

2022 did not feel real for many reasons, pretty sure I'm already dead and Faceless!Ayato buried me somewhere. Y'all are fun af. 🌠 anon idk how you're doing, but shoutout to you too for somehow reading my first diluc fic and going "yeah might as well see where this writer's career will lead". I wonder how many of yall are in the same position as them cause wtf man how are tall tolerating my idiotic writings hAHAHAHHA

((Just wanna shoutout poptart again cause mom idk what I'm gonna do with that 4 dollar tip 😭))

🐠, exiled and veni were my real highlight for OCMC. The alhaitham slanders– the betrayal– lmao i was just cackling like the gremlin that i am when I read exiled's ask after the last chapter I uploaded lmao. And signora-fanboy's reblog tags were funny too lol

It was fun cooping with exiled!!! It was fun reblogging jokes with zhongrin (and making me brainrot mafia!dain dhshdjwj)!!! I was so happy T^T!!!

And this december i get to talk to riabef and watatsumii too and they're both wholesome and lowkey/highkey chaotic i love you both! Where the heck am I even going with this message my braincells are not working BUT yeah my point is that it's so awesome that even as the year's about to end I still end up meeting new blessings in life 😭😭😭

I'll just shorten this part: I used to be a major loner. It's just that since my elementary days I've just come to expect a pattern that I'm friends with someone for a year until they move out of the country. It's like I was cursed with that happening every time until I just always expect people to have an expiration date lmao. Hence, I just wanna thank my irl friends Purple and Orange Friend/a-dose-of-phitre for being my longest best friends. They gave me confidence and no I'm not crying rn shut up. Idk why yall stuck with me. Wait no I do know the answer it's cause you both want someone to bully 😭 but to bully me for 6 and now going 7 years??? Aren't you both tired???

With that in mind– i SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHY YOU GUYS ARE SO NICE TO ME 😭😭😭I PROBABLY MENTIONED THAT A LOT BUT WHY ARE YOU GUYS NICE??? I DON'T DESERVE THAT WHEN I'M WRITING YOU ANONS TO SUFFER– IDK HOW TO PAY THOSE KINDNESS BACK YALL DON'T MAKE ANOTHER "gatorade milo rice discourse" SCENARIO 😭

Man i need to stop typing my body's last hurrah is fast approaching. Can't wait to read this tomorrow and go "there are so many grammar mistakes here not even grammarly would make an attempt to understand this mess" hAHAHAHAH

Okay, okay, yeahhh

Happy new year everyone!!! I'm gonna wait like 21 more minutes and wait till the world does a factory reset for 2023. Hope yall have a wonderful year!!! Enjoy the fireworks!!! Yoimiya worked hard for those 😤

#ansy-addendums #happy new year everyone!!!#ansy doesn't know where theyre going with this lol

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lucithecrow · 1 year ago

Text

Heyo! My blogs chaotic asf, but I finally wrote an intro and stuff abt me! It's not rlly needed but I wanted to so-!

Disclaimers-

• I'm very sad so a lottt of my posts will be emo shit (vent posts, basically) they r (almost) always marked w/ tags and stuff, but if u don't like, leave :3

The tags to avoid r: "vent post", and "sad post"

• I am a minor!!!

Things I like and talk abt-

• Only game I play(pretty much) is stardew Valley (Elliott <3)

• I love saiki k! My favs Kaidou

• I love fanfics and mostly read Mha (occasionally saiki k or Elliott x readers lmao) My ao3 account is LuciferTheCrow! I don't write fics (well, I don't post fics I've written cause I never finish stuff, lmao) but I rec stuff on there!

• Manhua, manhwa, all kinds of comics. My favs are reincarnation, so recommend me some!

• MY CAT AND DOG!! I don't talk abt my dog near as much as my cat, but I love them sm :'D

Things I like but don't talk about (at least not much)

• Cavetown will always be my fav artist (for sentimental reasons lmao) but my spotifys Lucithecrowcaw, so check out other stuff I like!

• I like writing but have low motivation, so I don't do it a lot! I talk post bits of my old writing from time to time tho

• Jellyfish!!!!!!! I don't know a lot abt them but I love them sm and I would love to hear some facts abt them!

• I like all sorts of anime! I only talk abt saiki k and mha (occasionally others lmao) but I'm a fan of other stuff too lmao- just ask me if ik one :3

Extra info <3

• my discord is "lucithecrow" so go friend me if u wanna talk!! (It's so irresponsible for me to give my discord to strangers as a minor, but one of my best friends online is like 19, so idgaf anymore, lmao)

• I have anxiety and stuff, so I have a habit of ignoring messages, but I'll always try to get back to ppl and apologize, so dw if u wanna mgs me!

• I love talking, but I don't get that opportunity often due to other stuff. That's mostly why I post sm lmao

• u can @ me in posts and stuff! It makes me happy :D

OK BYE!! I love youuu, stay safe

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banhchao · 3 years ago

Text

I posted 10,067 times in 2021

93 posts created (1%)

9974 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 107.2 posts.

I added 436 tags in 2021

#!!! - 118 posts

#sailor jupiter - 80 posts

#lizzy - 50 posts

#ref - 48 posts

#tattoo ideas - 46 posts

#🥺🥺🥺 - 31 posts

#mutual aid - 17 posts

#free palestine - 16 posts

#antiblackness - 16 posts

#personal - 14 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#unfortunately i follow too many ppl (and i get clowned for it lol but i swear i’m getting better) that it’s a lil harder for me to describe

My Top Posts in 2021

Hello! I read your tag about the SAH post and I agree with it! I didn’t realise how anti-black some people in the movement are and that takes away from the movement entirely (honestly there are some Asians that are super colourist and racist as hell so I’m not surprised.. and that sucks because we should be banding together as oppressed minorities)

From what I understand the goal of SAH is to attack the xenophobia the west has towards Asian people? Especially in wake of COVID-19 and the xenophobia people have towards Asian because of it. One example is how the west often see all Asians as one entity rather than recognise the different types of Asians there are — and as you said the Asian community is so diverse but it’s difficult to address each issue different Asian communities face when we are all treated as ‘Asians’ and not recognised by our specific ethnicities.

About the systemic racism part, I think it’s difficult to tackle that especially in western countries when many Asians being treated as 2nd class citizens, because there is this assumption that they are new immigrants, the colonialist mindset, and etc. Again, I believe that the root of the problem towards Asian hate stems from ignorance and xenophobia. So for the movement itself, I feel that it might seem like there is no solid goal because the campaign does not seem to tackle the main issue that Asians face but rather a recent manifestation of it? And of course, it definitely does not compare to the history of the BLM campaign.

I hope this ask doesn’t come off as aggressive, I just want to share my understanding of the situation and I look forward to hearing what you feel about this view point on my perspective as I want to open my understanding.

IN REGARDS TO MY TAGS OF THIS POST (OP is @rickgormortis I suggest you guys checking this post out!)

Hi hi Love !! 💗💗💗

First off, do not fret!! you did not come off as aggressive at all! I appreciate you and this message and your perspective! it’s great to open dialogue and talk freely with clear and open minds to possibly gain new perspectives and understanding of things 🌻☁️🦋🪐. Your ask presents a lot of opportunity to speak on different things and expand further on my own perspectives.

I would like to say that I have not conducted any research writing this out and everything stems from my own knowledge, observations and experiences so if I say anything wrong or misinformed, please let me know! Also some of this is not directed at you lol I just feel the need to expand in order to clearly articulate my thoughts so I hope u don’t feel that anything negative is targeted towards you!

I’m gonna start off by saying something that might sound controversial but just like OP said, if not for the work of BLM and especially when it start picking up a lot of traction last year, I don’t think SAH would be as big as it is now. In fact, I don’t think SAH would have been able to sustain itself for this long and would have died out quickly. The reason why it picked up to this level was because ppl see the movement as the asian version of BLM. Like I’ve heard ppl say “SAH is the new BLM” which is fucking stupid as hell but I digress. Ppl see BLM as a trend thus they see SAH as the “latest trend” to jump onto (which is... gross but unfortunately the truth). I think there would have been a call to attention of these hate crimes against e and se asian ppl spiking cause of COVID and definitely activism regarding this but the popularity of the movement itself (and maybe even it becoming a movement) is thanks to BLM. It was an indirect after effect that the work of BLM left (which has been going on for over a decade and continues to) so no matter how you go about it, SAH owes a lot to BLM’s hard work and dedication.

So many antiblack Asian ppl think activism is transactional. They pull out their “Anti-Asian cards” and whine false calls of hypocrisy when they see the attention and support BLM garnered in comparison to SAH... as if SAH didn’t only come to popularity as a result of BLM picking up globally and as if SAH hadn’t just been created last year (unlike BLM). They argue “if we supported you, why don’t you support us?” ACTIVISM ISN’T TRANSACTIONAL. You are supposed to support a movement because you genuinely care for the issues, the cause and the ppl involved. You do it because you want to help ppl that face terrible shit cause of oppressive systems. So to say “I did this now u have to help me” is inherently selfish because at the end of the day, you only supported the cause with the incentive of getting the support back. You only saw BLM as a trend and now that you are the centre of the latest “trend” you want the support. As OP stated, these asian ppl exploiting BLM as a guilty tool especially when SAH owes so much to BLM is just hypocritical, antiblack and gross. and this doesn’t even factor in the prominent antiblackness permeating the asian community as is. I actually wrote a post here calling out the influencer IAMKARENO for doing this - and she’s just one of so so so many on IG, Tik Tok and Twitter.

OP also brought up a fantastic point that BLM has been going on for YEARS. This means several years of organizing, of protest, of taking the streets, of fighting for policy and policy changes, of research, of grassroots efforts, of community-led initiatives, of education, of funding, of collective action etc. This also means activists being arrested, facing jail time, some have been injured or even killed. Blood, sweat and tears goes into this continuous fight. BLM has been fighting hard and hasn’t stopped fighting for years for their causes and for the betterment of Black Lives - the way Asian ppl call the Black community hypocrites for “not supporting SAH” and even ACCUSE them of committing the violence is like spitting in their faces. I mention this later on, but SAH has only started and has barely done anything - the AUDACITY for these ppl to want the movement to be on the same level as BLM without putting in the hard work, the time and the effort and then BLAMING them is disgusting. They have helped us enough when they didn’t even have to - it’s up to us now to actually put in the work and time. OP called SAH a rip-off of BLM and I agree - SAH is trying to follow the same formula but with no depth and lack of substantial efforts. If SAH wants to be a real movement it has to keep pushing forward in its own way and stop trying to imitate and want the same results as BLM. Cause rn it honestly seems like asian ppl put in more effort in asking and guilt-tripping ppl for support than doing any work as if others are supposed to do the work for us.

(also whoever claims that it’s primarily Black ppl committing the hate crimes I hope you get your ass beat. Like I hope someone manifests into ur house and beats you to a pulp for spreading that racist and completely false garbage. I’ve seen that narrative floating around and not only is it a blatant LIE but it demonizes Black ppl further and pushes harmful antiblack narratives. you will burn in hell if u spread that shit around I guarantee it.)

Onto my next point - as a movement, what exactly is the goal of SAH? What does it do and how does it help? you brought up many fantastic points - Stop Asian Hate became a movement as a response to hate crimes against e and se Asian ppl and them being scapegoated as the cause of COVID-19. Diving deeper, we realize these hate crimes occur because ppl see e and se asian ppl as the cause of covid because of the perpetual foreigner narrative (in which we will always be seen as too foreign for the West and never belonging) and this weird orientalist view that e and se asian ppl eat weird things which caused COVID. It’s the narrative that we are too strange, too foreign and too weird thus, we deserve to be dehumanized cause our foreignness is threatening. Stop Asian Hate also brings to attention racism and ignorance against Asian ppl in general and calls out both the explicit and implicit ways it manifests in Western society (as u perfectly stated). And u r right that racism against e and se asian ppl manifests so much differently than other forms - a lot of it is rooted in racism and ignorance. however, SAH only addresses racism against e and se asian ppl on a personal level AND only addresses the E and SE asian communities (thus conflating the term “Asian” with only those communities when many others exist). simultaneously, ppl have criticized the establishment of a “pan-asian” movement because we are all so diverse and face different obstacles (as u have mentioned).

many asian ppl have expressed their dislike of the usage “stop asian hate” and instead prefer “protect asian lives”. This is because stopping asian hate isn’t a long term goal because the way the movement is framed right now, the solution is actually quite easy. To stop asian hate all u literally have to do is stop hating asian ppl. Stop committing hate crimes and stop being racist towards asian ppl and all is solved. But that only addresses individual racism which yes, may lead to asian ppl feeling more accepted within their personal communities but doesn’t actually address anything systemically. Tik Tok user @haileyych (I suggest following them they r super well spoken and great at covering issues!) also points out that SAH allows for framing the issue as “Black vs. Asian” (which many Asian and White ppl have succumbed to thinking) thus ignoring the white institutions that enforce violence against Asian ppl. Because even if we were to rid the world of racism and ignorance against asian ppl, there are still systems put into place that actively oppress them.

Here’s Haileyych’s video that perfectly explains this point: VIDEO !!!

When we speak of systemic racism, we mean dismantling systems of oppression that push these harmful stereotypes narratives and that present social, economic and legal obstacles for asian ppl. Where does the perpetual foreigner narrative come from and how is it embedded into and enforced by our institutions? How does our education system and the immigration system and the military for example, harm and oppress asian ppl - and when I mean asian I mean west, North, central, south, southeast and East Asian ppl? There are so much bigger factors here at play when we take into account historical and political contexts that help us fully understand what harms asian ppl. Thus, we need to “protect asian lives” rather than just “stop asian hate.”

Unlike SAH, we can see how BLM actually tackles systemic racism through efforts in the legal system, prison abolition, defunding and abolishing the police, housing, social services etc. BLM not only addresses individual antiblack racism and police brutality but also calls out these oppressive institutions that actively work to marginalize the black community. Not only that but BLM was officially established in 2013 and has been working so hard for their issues and their cause - they deserve every piece of recognition and support they have received and more. SAH (or moreso Protect Asian Lives) can only rlly become its own movement once it actually establishes its own goal by working on dismantling its own oppressive systems - and I’m not saying this to compare the two. this is the main purpose of a social movement. they are meant to empower people and enact change - and real change starts by addressing and targeting the system. By lacking this vital part, SAH is barely a movement. But as my mutual @vanillasoylent has mentioned (sorry btw lol by the time I finally publish this it would have been a long time since then) SAH has actually gained an increase in police funding in efforts to stop these hate crimes - which really goes to show how SAH’s focus is mistargeted. SAH contributing and supporting a system that actively works to oppress the black community (and in general is an authoritarian force that works solely for the interest of the state) for its own gain is antiblack and terrible. This is not real activism and this is not what a social justice movement should support. This is why I cannot stress enough that POC solidarity, as nonexistent as it is, is one of the most important and imperative factors for protect asian lives. We must be pro-black and support the black community whilst resisting and fighting against white supremacy to truly get this movement going - not constantly pointing fingers at the Black community when they don’t owe us a single thing.

Elaborating more on the vitality of POC Solidarity, systems that affect Asian ppl also affect other racialized minorities. We do not face these obstacles in the same way but we do suffer under these same oppressive systems. For example, the immigration system does not only affect immigrants from Asia but also immigrants from Africa, South America, Central America and North America etc. (we saw this recently with asylum seekers from Haiti facing inhumane violence at the US border). I will elaborate more on systems of oppression that oppress asian ppl later on, but u will see that these systems do not only affect asian ppl but many other communities.

That is not to say I think SAH is useless. I think u r absolutely correct that SAH is doing good things for the asian community - they have brought attention to implicit and explicit racism on an individual level against asian ppl and uplift fantastic asian-led initiatives that address intracommunity issues such as mental health or organizations that help sex workers, LGBTQIA+ Asian ppl etc. they have also brought attention to how the media portrays harmful racist tropes and stereotypes of Asian ppl that get permeated into society and in turn, affect us as a human beings. It’s a good starting point. Racism and ignorance on an individual level are good to address but where do we jump to after? Or rather, we can dismantle oppressive institutions AND address personal racism simultaneously. SAH as it is now lacks sustainability and real depth - it needs to have long-term goals in place for the betterment of the wellbeings of all asian ppl. OP stated this so clearly and perfectly in their post and we can see its clear shallow nature thru just one look at the SAH tag; see how it is pinned at number 2 but there are barely any new posts in it? And even if there are, they don’t say anything substantial just the basic “DON’T BE RACIST TO ASIAN PPL!”, irrelevant selfies using the tag for clout or supporting the racist incel from Shang Chi (that is... a whole other can of worms in itself). The only substantial ones are old ones that pertain to Free Palestine, gofundmes etc.

Now u may be wondering, what institutions are there for us to dismantle? There’s colonialism such as the illegal Israeli occupation of Palestine for example. There’s post-colonialism and dismantling its harmful after effects such as the British occupation in India, colonization of the Philippines by Spain etc. There’s imperialism such as American imperialism in Afghanistan, Iraq, the Philippines, South Korea etc. There’s labour exploitation of workers in developing countries (ex. mass production of fast fashion) such as Bangladesh, Cambodia, Sri Lanka etc. There’s the sex tourism and trafficking industry that has brought upon the harmful fetishization of asian women that occurs in Thailand, Cambodia, the Philippines etc. and the exploitation of poor Asian women. there’s the immigration system that has enforced violent borders and made immigration so expensive and difficult for all asian ppl to immigrate here despite western countries invading many Asian countries, killing their ppl and taking whatever resources they want. there’s the inhumane abuse of refugees and asylum seekers where they are detained, abused and forced to live in terrible conditions for merely trying to seek a better life. There’s national security which actively works to target ppl from the Middle East, South Asia and North Africa (ex. No-fly list in Canada, Airport checks, security certificates etc.). There’s racist and/or islamophobic policies such as the restrictions of wearing the hijab in Quebec (I’m from Canada so I know more canadian examples). And of course, the media, politics (especially propaganda such as red scare) and the education system, which still perpetuate harmful stereotypes and teach racist narratives to this day. These are some of the systems that oppress asian ppl and these are what protect asian lives should be working to dismantle to work towards reaching a goal of protecting asian lives everywhere on top of dismantling racism, xenophobia and the perpetual foreigner narrative.

Overall, as I said in my tags, SAH is mostly boba liberalism (especially with these weird calls to support Shang Chi when Simu Liu is an antiblack incel and p*do apologist that has said homophobic things and Awkwafina is infamous for being antiblack, for the sole purpose of “Asian representation”) at the moment. SAH as it is now, still allows and perpetuates antiblackness whether it be antiblack asian ppl thinking activism is transactional, blaming the black community for violence or supporting “asian representation” that is antiblack in nature or has antiblack elements. It only calls for dismantling racism and xenophobia on a personal level and still has a long way to go even in this regard (ex. Inclusion of all Asian groups, addressing intracommunity issues). In order to become a real sustainable movement that calls for revolution and change, it must put in the work to dismantle oppressive systems - and MUST support Black Lives.

Thank u for this ask and I hope this made sense! So sorry it took me MONTHS to write this out lol and I hope you see this. Have a lovely day anon ! 💗

13 notes • Posted 2021-09-23 15:34:31 GMT

white ppl that refuse to date other white ppl and go “I’m only into POC uwu they are so ethnic and beautiful ~” (which yeah true... but u can tell when ppl say things in a weird objectifying way or to gain woke points) “white ppl are so bland and probably racist unlike me” ... as if they aren’t those very bland white ppl...

screams very much “weird exoticization & fetishization of POC” & “I HATE WHITE PPL DESPITE BEING A WHITEY, I’M NOT LIKE THE OTHER WHITES” when they are...

trying to distance urself from other whites when u still benefit from white privilege and global white supremacy is not the woke card u think it is !

18 notes • Posted 2021-06-30 02:49:07 GMT

Playing thru quest sagas (ex. the Orb sagas) alongside someone is always so fun, especially when they join your party. To this day I replay the darkness orb quests cause I loved bonding w/Artix lol (my favourite is The Body Shop). Another one I liked was playing Sir Ano’s quests (he stands outside of Oaklore Keep), cause I got to fight with him and he came along with me on the quests. I also enjoyed the Ice orb quests with Galanoth (tho the kilguin arena was the worst quest I had ever done. I sat there for HOURS trying to finish it).

to this day I refuse to fight w/o artix and take personal offense when monsters/villains target him lol

21 notes • Posted 2021-11-10 15:35:42 GMT

🤍🏹🎐

favourite pics/selfies of 2020 ❕❕❕

i’ve changed a lot the past year & have gone thru experiences i didn’t even known were possible. the world is in a continual crisis & i only hope y’all are doing okay and taking care of urselves. wishing y’all good health, happiness & self-fulfillment in this new year. be kind 2 urselves; u r all so precious and beautiful. ✨🌏

i don’t post my face here often but here it is !!! woohoo !!! ⚡️⛅️

tagged by my wonderful mutual @abiu !! thank u 4 the tag love 💿☁️🪐 !! I hope ur year is full of happiness & positive energy 🌙💧

tagging @iphone5sam 🌻， @coloredbi ✨, @dropofblackink 🖤, @hajimaseyo 🎀, @morbidmoron 🍯 , @seagerz 🍒, @sommersaint 🌹, @cutepotatobaby 🌈, @guydots 💌, @pinkbaby97 🌷, @eeevoeie 🍰, @menchi 🔮, @santir0sales 🦄, @gh0s1y 🐚 , @sheila-ntbf ��, @velonie 🍓, @heyahae01 🥭, @princesscedar 💐, @equalscute 🦋, @a-chaotic-good-virgo 🌱

y’all don’t have 2 do it but feel free to have fun w/it ! much love 👼🏽

ps. srry this is a bit late hehe ~

32 notes • Posted 2021-01-05 20:22:39 GMT

I was super hyped to watch Gremlita/Mina Le’s video on the cultural outfit depictions in Raya and the Last Dragon and I really loved it! It was super well-researched and Mina put in so much in-depth work in searching for the origin and historical connotations of every outfit piece. She did such an amazing job! I learned so much about each outfit she analyzed and seeing so much homage to traditional Khmer outfits (including those of the royal ballet) and not even realizing it at first was eye-opening.

anyways if u r interested in SE Asian history and culture and/or Raya and the Last Dragon you should definitely check it out!

youtube

34 notes • Posted 2021-03-25 18:01:23 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #i'm just happy i'm not a fic blog cause that would be CHAOTIC #Youtube #ALSO forgive me for not being good at being consistent with tags lol #SHIT I HOPE THIS DOESN’T TAG PPL

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physcoticfrog · 4 years ago

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heyo! i'm new to your blog but i've found your writings amazing! may i reguest the soulmate au "The voice inside your head is your soulmate's" with the sfw prompt "Look, I don't know you very well, but I'm still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone" for Itona Horibe? Thank you so much in advance 💝!

AHHH IM SO HAPPY TO GET A SOULMATE ASK

Ahh itona ✋😺 I love that man lemme just say that rn. (AND LISTEN IK I HAVE A FIC TO WORK ON BUT IM LAZY)

Pairing: Itona Horibe x reader

Prompts: Soulmate au where the voice inside your head is your soulmate's, "Look, I don't know you very well, but I'm still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone."

Warnings: Slight mentions of parental abuse

This week seemed like a very chaotic week. But then again, when were they not? You managed to gain a new classmate, and not only did he have a really fucked up life, he was hot. But did that really mean anything?

You thought of your mother and father. They already reprimanded you enough as it was for being in the E class. Not only that, but if you were ever late, you would get a long lecture. They weren't ever going to allow you to even have a boyfriend.

You were woken up by Terasaka. "Hey dumbass, wake up. Class is over." He deadpanned. You let out a harsh groan.

Next class was phys ed, and although you were good, it had never been your favorite. Especially when you're extremely tired.

You had also come to hate the fact that the voice in your head wasn't even your own. You always hated the idea of soulmates, but ignored it anyways.

"God damnit I hate this voice it's so annoying" you told Terasaka. It wasn't unusual for you to complain about it, and Terasaka was used to it.

He just rolled his eyes. "Come on, we gotta go." He said. You groaned again, but still reluctantly stood up.

When you got to phys ed, it was normal. But, Mr. Karasuma had decided to put you all in pairs. You got paired with Itona, the extremely hot and.. interesting one.

"Hey" you said.

"hi" he replied. Your eyes went wide. His voice. His is the ever so annoying one playing on loop inside of your head.

You had heard him talk before, but why are you just now noticing it? You didn't pay it much attention, and immediately just started going in for the attack as if it would make the class go by faster.

Unfortunately for you, Itona was incredibly fast. He dodged your attack with ease, not even flinching. He then grabbed your arm and had you pinned.

You huffed. "Fuck", you spoke, "how are you so fast?" You heaved out. You might've known had you been out the other night, but your parents had alarms on every window and door in the house.

He didn't even answer you, and let you go as Mr. Karasuma said that class was over. But, you were just glad to get a break.

After mulling it over, you decided to skip. Luckily for you, you had already picked out a place that is pretty much flat.

So, you walked away and climbed up the tree, and played down on one of it's unnaturally flat branches.

As you lay asleep, you realized that Itona had never, not even slightly, acknowledged the voices you two shared. After a while, you heard everyone leaving to go home. Had you really managed to miss 3 different class periods over a nap?

When you got home, you immediately felt your mother's gaze move to you. She seems livid. "Why are you home late?" Your mom spoke through her teeth. That cause you to look at the time. 3:07. Two minutes late.

"I- I'm sorry", you muttered and bowed, "I did not intend to be late home today." You stated, trying to lace sincerity into your voice.

Your mother crouched down in front of you, smilingly a sickly sweet kind of smile. "It's ok pumpkin, we are never going to do that again, right?" She said, almost too sweet.

"right." You answered. You knew there was no right answer to this. You held your breath.

"You're wrong.", she stated, angry and gripping your shoulder, "You have never once changed this behavior. I will not believe you until things change." She said, borderline yelling. Her grip tightened on your shoulder, causing her to hit a pressure point and you passed out.

When you woke up the next day, you immediately left for school. You brought your uniform but were still in your pajamas. You climbed up the mountain, entered the building and made your way towards the bathroom. Hazama looked at you weird.

"don't ask." You stated at her. She then threw her hands up and went into the classroom.

Once you got changed you looked into the mirror. You looked like shit. The bags under your eyes were more noticable than ever, and your eyelids felt so heavy like they could collapse any minute.

You eventually moved your pajamas into your bag and went to class.

As soon as you walked in, everyone took notice for your crappy state. "Y/n, are you doing ok?" Karma asked you. You were honestly surprised, it wasn't like him to ask anyone if they're alright.

But, you let it slide and smiled. "Yeah! I'm doing great, don't worry about me." You laughed as you scratched the back of your neck.

Class went by like a blur, and you didn't even notice. You honestly were zoned out the entire time and didn't even remember anything Koro-Sensei said.

You got up and walked out, but decided to go to your tree. You were definitely going to regret it when you got home, but that's a story for another day.

And Itona's voice? You didn't even know how to start going about that.

As you lay down, you started falling asleep. How long? You really didn't know. "Hey, Ritsu?"

"Yes?" She responded.

"Can you wake me up at 4:30?" You asked her.

"Yes I can!" She said sweetly. It was so kind, not a sickly or bitter kind of sweet like your mom. And there was no anger like your dad.

You were passed out. It was crazy how easily you slept on that tree. You, unfortunately, were startled awake.

You almost fell out of the tree, but someone grabbed onto you. "I'm sorry, I just heard your phone playing some sort of alarm sound, so I came to check it out." It was Itona.

You put up your casual and shy facade, "Oh! Thank you, I'm sorry." You laughed out.

He made a face of disbelief and concern. "Are you ok?" He questioned.

You smiled, "why wouldn't I be?"

He frowned at that, "Y/n, you came into school today in pajamas." He deadpanned. Your smile faded.

"Oh! That, yeah I was in a bit of a rush because I woke up late." You then became panicked. "Oh no. Oh no." You repeated. You chanted it like a prayer.

"I have to go. It was nice talking to you, Itona." You tried leaving, but he grabbed your arm. When you looked back at him, he had an expression of extreme seriousness.

"Look, I don't know you very well, but I'm still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone." He stated.

"I- Itona, thank you so much. And I get that we're soulmates and all, but I really need to get back home." And then you froze. You just told him you were soulmates. Yeah, he probably knew, but he hasn't said anything about it.

He also froze. "I- I'm sorry? We're what now?" He questioned.

You rolled your eyes. "Have you not noticed? Have you not realized that the voice in your head is mine?" You stated.

His eyes then widened. "Yeah. I seriously have to go now. Thanks for your concern." You told him. However, his grip on your arm didn't falter. " Itona, let me go."

"No. I'm not letting you go until you tell me what's going on." He told you. And although his face was unreadable, his voice was filled with worry.

You sighed. "If I tell you, will you please let go of me?"

He nodded. You decided to be as vague as you possibly could. "My home life isn't all that great, and I'm also super stressed out about the whole soulmates thing." That seemed pretty vague, right? "Now will you please let me go."

His grip loosened, and you moved away from him. "Um.. since we're soulmates and all. Do you.. maybe want to give this- us- a try?" You hesitated though. Your parents would be furious, but who are they to decide if you get to date your own soulmate?

You nodded. "Yeah.. let's give us a try." You jumped down the tree and then sprinted back home while trying to prepare yourself for what was to come.

---

A/n: Alright! Not my favorite thing I've ever done, and I'm sorry that this took me a while. But uhh yeah! I did my best 😅 I really hope you like it.

#ass class writer #assasination classroom #assassination classroom writer #ass class #ass class x reader #assassination classroom x reader #itona horibe #Itona x reader #itona horibe x reader

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freebooter4ever · 4 years ago

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Hello I just finished the Pacific and I'm dying. So it's time for me to delve into the fandom and try and fulfil my poor sledgefu heart. Have any recommendations on who's blog to look at or tags? Other than yourself because I most certainly will spend a solid 5 hours going through your tags. I've already seen a lot of your art and I think it's beautiful, just an FYI.

Oh boy do I ever have recs! It was only about a year ago that I was new to the fandom myself and slowly going through @aboutthatmelancholystorm and @persipneiwrites tumblr sledgefu tags every night, reading all of it, and being totally sucked in! ^_^ (I especially suggest Persipnei’s 3:16 AU where Sledge and Snafu are rock stars!) As for art, I think the biggest collection I know of is the blog @marines-r-gay. Some of my favorite sledgefu artist blogs include @skelesocks (Ace Eugene will hold a special place in my heart forever!) @badgerms and my old favorite the-heebiejeebies who sadly disappeared and deleted their blog :( but you can still find their old art in my ‘sledgefu’ tag on my blog like here. There’s no really ‘exculsively’ sledgefu artists out there right now, but there is a LOT of amazing older stuff to be found mixed into people’s blogs! My own art/writing sledgefu masterlist can be found here.

More specific fanfic recs under the cut! I’m focusing on oldies, because I think it’s fairly easy to find the newer ones on AO3 that are still being updated ^_^

Not Quite Home by Seabright - A fix it fic that really fixes things. Post war set in New Orleans with Eugene showing up on Snafu’s doorstep. Snafu is cantankerous and very in character and he /claims/ he can’t ‘fix’ Sledge, but let’s face it that’s why they need to fix each other. Snafu has a lot of walls up and Eugene breaks all of them down in his steadfast way. This fic captures Snafu perfectly - even in little things like in the way he fidgets and moves. Also the last kiss is just...SO good.

Canon Compliant

Roadverse by Seabright - There are a few authors exclusively on AO3 that like...if you haven’t read their entire sledgefu collection yet, you gotta! Seabright is one of them. Roadverse is set after the war and Snafu takes Eugene on a roadtrip to Florida, there’s a lot of introspection, they fall in love, definitely a happy ending! The writing here is what really shines.

After The Happy Ending by Handdaddyhoosier - Another author it’s worth reading their entire sledgefu collection. This one is also set after the war and is more domestic. A lot of fluff, a lot of slice of life, a lot of Sledge and Snafu dealing with homophobia and overcoming it (!!). Through it all Snafu and Eugene remain sooooo much in love that they’re stronger together and...yeah...it’s good.

Christmas Even Will Find Me by SOMETHINREAL - My favorite canon compliant Sledgefu Christmas fic! It’s just perfect! Everybody is all together again after the war for Christmas and Eugene and Snafu are playing their own little dance between each other in the corner...they’re adorable. Plus there’s a happy ending!

Maybe You’ll Think Of Me When You’re All Alone by SOMETHINREAL - A very very good fix it fic for after the war. They’re both broken but they’re together and falling in love all over again, yay! I live for first pining and emotional kiss scenes and this is one of the best!

These Foolish Things Remind Me of You by Spoondragon - Merriell is quirky and weird and collects things and his last line in the fic is gOLD. Basically them being cute, with a first kiss. I highly rec ALL of spoondragon’s sledgefu fics!

To Make Much of Time by Hueligan - FIX THE TRAIN SCENE. I will read almost any variation of that train scene where Snafu makes it right, and this one does! AND THEN RUINS IT. So fair warning, you will fall in love with this fic but then it will break your heart. Kinda like Snafu. But it’s ok cause then you can go read one of the OTHER many fix it fics and mend it again.

Tilled Earth by Killerqueenie - Okay, this is one of my absolute FAVORITES. Snafu finds Eugene playing farmer boy in a small town outside of Mobile ten years after the war and Snafu signs himself on as a ranch hand. This one ACTUALLY fixes the train scene. Eugene is prickly and untrusting and Snafu has to earn his right to waltz back into his life. And oh gosh the love each other so so much!

The Magic Helmet by jspringsteen - Cute adorable and totally in character, canon compliant and not actually sledgefu except for some delightful hints that they are into each other more than they let on. It’s just such a great moment for Snafu’s character that I’ve reread this on multiple occasions.

All You Got by ssstrychnine - Another fix it fic (I know, I love these). This follows canon so well it’s seamless and only adds subtle touches of love between Gene and Snafu - so very believable as a part of the actual show. This author has four fics on AO3 for sledgefu and I suggest reading them all!

The Jazz Lights of New Orleans by Gracefully - Yet ANOTHER fix it fic! Give me them all!!!

Like It’s Only You And Me by SJTrinity - Snafu is an artist in this so of course I’m going to biased, but this is one of my absolute favorite college AU’s. All our favorite characters are there, including Bill, Burgie, Andy, and Eddie (and even Pops! as a fatherly figure to Snafu though he’s only referenced). Snafu is as chaotic as ever. The romance is hot! There are parts where I almost bust a gut laughing. Also anytime Eugene gets all haughty and bossy with his little furrowed brow over Snafu that’s like A+ for me.

Learning Curve by Seabright - ok THIS fic defines ultimate pining over Gene for me. I have never related to Snafu more. There’s a description of Eugene swimming in a pool that just..yeah...I have feelings. Anyway, it’s a college AU that is tragically UNFINISHED and will rip your heart out, BUT the same author also has a whole bunch of more canon related fic where the two of them do get together, so that eases the sting a little.

F.M.L by @badgerms - I maybe have a thing for swimmers, but I love this swimming college AU especially because it’s in Gene’s POV but done so well that it feels real. This fic also delves into mental illness and mental self flagellation (there are some moments that hit REAL hard if you’ve ever had eating disorders). But on top of all that, I feel like lollki really captured what is so magnetic about Snafu, and by having Gene put him on this impossible pedestal it kinda reflects what a lot of us in the fandom do with his character. Snafu makes his existence look effortless and thoughtless, Gene is incredibly jealous of how Snafu just lives, their competition is ENTHRALLING.

The Kind Of Stuff That Only Prince Would Sing About by @stolperzunge A coffee shop AU that has Sledge and Snafu just slowly and sweetly falling in love. This one is from Snaf’s pov and since I identify with him more you know I’m gonna love it lol! There are some GREAT funny lines, Snafu has personality in spades. Eugene is a grandad hipster type who also writes erotica....I dunno it’s all amazing go read it.

There Will Be Better Days by SydneyCarton - High school AU. As someone who had a fairly shitty high school experience and many bad holidays, this is...cathartic. Gene is definitely more the caretaker here, he saves Snafu in a way that’s just as strong as when he picked him up on the battlefield. But it’s all emotional, and Snafu is this scared prickly kid. And Gene is the honor roll kid who has to play the role of best friend secretly in love with the one person who matters most to them. This author never wrote anything else for Sledgefu and I wish they had!

Okay, that’s a whole bunch! There’s even more in my aO3 bookmarks! This list is just me going through my bookmarks and selecting the ones that I especially remembered and is by no means exhaustive of all my favorites in this fandom. Joining the Pacific train late means there’s a whole lot to choose from and explore...but it also means the list of active blogs is short and not a lot of new content gets posted every day :( I think the Sledgefu community is still going pretty strong, though! Welcome!

#sledgefu #Anonymous

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