#i'm honestly surprised i've made it this far with as little issues as i have

[violetsareblue-selfships]

good morning!! <33

[kazz-brekker]

hotd episode 2 thoughts

aegon screaming hysterically and smashing up viserys's model of old valyria…alicent unable to get through a sentence without sobbing…helaena staring blankly at the wall and clutching jaehaerys's blanket…i love acting but also that all kind of broke me.

genuinely i am enjoying tom glynn-carney as aegon SO much, he's quickly becoming one of my favorite actors on the show and gives his character so much nuance.

otto using his grandson's horrific death as a pr stunt…truly that man never stops working, he's always on the clock.

i also LOVED the big blowout fight scene between rhaenyra and daemon, it's about time someone dragged that man to hell and back. "the darkness you sheathe within yourself like a sword" and "i don't trust you" and "you're pathetic" go OFF rhaenyra!

criston please don't send someone else on a suicidal assassination mission because you were slacking your duty and banging alicent while the heir to the throne got decapitated. oh, who i am kidding, that man has never had a normal reaction to anything in his life.

i'm so glad we got an actual scene with baela (and the promise of more with her and moondancer in future weeks!) since she and rhaena have been horrendously underused so far.

aemond you have so many issues please go to therapy not a brothel. also i've blogged about this before but the idea that he really thinks he's an equal threat to daemon honestly is so silly.

alyn AND addam of hull spotted, we've got the complete set, and a little teaser of seasmoke as well!

the scene between corlys and rhaenys where corlys was like "if daemon would just submit to rhaenyra and enjoy being a bottom as i do on occasion" made me laugh so hard my sister asked me if i was okay.

i'm very intrigued by the scene between rhaenyra and mysaria (especially the mutual bonding over being exasperated by daemon) since they're technically on the same side but very much at odds in the book and i'm curious to know if this will continue in future episodes.

i really like that this season is emphasizing the perspectives of smallfolk like the hull brothers, hugh hammer, and the brothel mistress, it's something i felt was missing in season 1.

this really was an episode of targaryen men getting absolutely dragged by others for their poor political decisions. can't say i support otto's decisions most of the time but he was 100% correct about aegon.

also the moment where otto realized he had schemed for 20+ years to land a total idiot who just fired him on the throne…delicious, but rhys ifans played it so well i honestly still felt bad for him.

daeron mention! at this point i was honestly starting to think they had cut him from the show so that was a surprise.

as an identical twin i very much enjoyed the erryk and arryk drama but i must admit that i ALSO could not tell the twins apart when they were dueling. someone please revoke my twin card.

alicent walking into a room, seeing aegon crying, and just walking out was kind of funny ngl.

i really didn't expect criston and alicent's dynamic this season but i'm honestly enjoying it a lot. the mutual self-flagellation over their affair, alicent repeatedly slapping him and criston allowing it…really fun honestly.

caraxes is properly coming back next episode and it's true, i HAVE missed that noodle boy <3

also it looks like our first proper looks at harrenhal, moondancer, and a bracken vs. blackwood fight!

[invinciblerodent]

These days I kind of can't stop thinking about how much I enjoyed the possibility of being from Orzammar in Origins, specifically because just being who you are put so much of the early game in a wholly different context.

Like, a dwarf from Orzammar has, by definition, lived literally under a rock their whole lives!! They've never left the underground, and yes, while that also makes their ignorance of surface squabbles (the mage issue, the Ferelden/Orlais conflict, everything with the city elves and the Dalish, etc.) make a lot of sense, it also comes with so many interesting new angles that I'm honestly so surprised still that I've never really seen it mentioned very often, if at all. (Even though we even get an explicit moment to reflect on it, when leaving with Oghren.)

In Origins, the moment a dwarf first steps out through the gates of Orzammar and begins the game, is a profoundly life-altering experience. Dare I say, even more so than it is for an elf or a human. Because stepping out, for the first time, they are entering an entirely new world, and for the first time, in front of them is a vast expanse of nothing but air.

The end of the prologue, it's not just a fundamental personal change that awaits you, it's also a displacement so complete, that it's absolutely dizzying to even think about.

That first time a dwarf feels the sun on their skin, they are made sun-touched, a surfacer: stripped not only from caste and kin, of identity, but also faith and memory, any favor their ancestors may have still held for them, and any possibility of ever returning, as far as they know. (Aeducan may even have a bitter little chuckle over the irony of how they could very well have just one day before shrugged off the concerns of their surface brethren completely, only to be made one of them now.)

Their whole lives, they had always been able to see the opposite wall of the cave, or at least to know for sure that it's there, along with the miles and miles of unchanging, crystal-littered rock stretching protectively over their heads-- now all of that is gone. There's nothing between them, and the infinite and ever-changing blue, grey, orange, black of the open sky they've never seen, and in the distance, there's no wall-- just glorious, humongous mounds and spires of rock jutting up into the belly of the sky, the likes of which they've only ever seen from the inside.

Orzammar, despite no sunlight ever penetrating that far, is always lit bright, and it's heated by the lava streams and pools below. A dwarf has never known anything colder or warmer, brighter or darker, never seen seasons change... the biting winds and the frequent rains in Ferelden are completely new to them, not to mention the terrifying cracks of thunder that sound like the very Stone over them cracking in two, the bright flashes of lightning illuminating the night for but a moment, or waking in the middle of the night to what sounds like countless fingers pat-pat-patting the tarp of their tent, or the fact that animals -which are varied and plentiful and wholly alien- sometimes just randomly fall into the sky, like the rumors say! They might know academically that with birds, that just sort of tends to happen, but they've never seen one take off!!

Hell, all of surface flora and fauna are completely new to them-- it's likely they've only ever seen a tree or a dog in a picture book. Flowers, they've likely only ever seen as an expensive and frivolous luxury few can afford to have for a while, and even then, they are by necessity brought in removed from their roots, dead, wilting, taken from their natural place... while here, blooms just spring up underfoot willy-nilly, not entirely unlike mushrooms at the home which is not theirs anymore.

And... there must be something organic, something comfortingly animal to the scent of hundreds of warm bodies crammed into a sealed hole in the ground-- which is just gone now. The air is fresh, clean... empty, cold, lonely. No smell of spilled ale, piss, and vomit, no thick scent of the combined breaths and bodies of all their people... no scent of belonging, the air that moves their lungs now is no longer that which has moved those of all they've ever known, and every breath washes more, and more, and more of who they once were from inside their very body.

Being on the surface, it's like being thrust into an alien world, with which all just expects you to be intimately familiar. What do you mean the grass, the bugs, the birds, the leaves are strange? What do you mean you've never eaten leaves from this plant, fruit from this tree, the flesh of this creature you've only ever heard about? They laugh when you avert your eyes from the sky and try not to think about falling into it, or when you startle at the feeling of falling water suddenly hitting your skin, as if that was somehow funny, charming.

The night, which you've never before seen fall, is a comfort from all that endless, boundless seeing- but after the Joining, not even that is a relief.

Because if you're a dwarven Warden, all the dreams you've had in your life have been nightmares.

So you cope. You learn, and adapt, and endure.

Strong and immutable, like the Stone from which you were rent.

[pseudophan]

some post wad weekend thoughts...

i just wrote all this on the plane and haven't read it through so apologies for any mistakes

first of all, this weekend was incredible. i usually just kinda sit at home doing not much of anything, and this was a much needed break to actually have some fun. london in general always lifts my spirits but i suppose that danisnotonfire guy contributed a little as well.

guys i think i've met more people the past few days than i otherwise have in years. like. holy shit. i started listing people but i'm petrified i'll forget someone so i chickened out, sorry about that. but you all know who you are. i've met friends i've had for years, people i used to know but haven't spoken to in what feels like a decade, newer friends, and a frankly baffling amount of people i didn't know yet but who told me they've followed me for ages. like holy fuck you guys lmao what the hell??? and i mean did the reaction ever get old no of course it didn't. bad for my ego i'm sure but totally worth it. there's something very amusing and incredibly surreal about being chronically lame in most aspects of life and then suddenly finding yourself in an environment where you're kinda cool???? SO fucking fun oh my god, but also i do kinda feel like i've tricked you all? but hey i'll happily let you keep believing i'm cool, that is more than fine with me.

most importantly though everyone was SO lovely. like i said i don't think i've spoken to this many people in such a short amount of time in years and every single person i talked to was awesome. guys did you know phannies are kind of great... don't tell anyone but, lowkey... everyone is so funny and cool and absolutely insane but in a good way (shoutout everyone left at the gates until the very end, we should probably get some help).

and then lastly of course, mr howell himself. i talk about this a lot i feel like but fuck me that man was born to perform. whether you think he's actually funny or not, nobody can argue he doesn't absolutely thrive on a stage. he plays off the audience so well and he's so very obviously having the time of his fucking life. i'd already seen the show twice before this, and i didn't think anything would top the previous london show but man... the first night he came back out after the show having clearly been tearing up backstage, apologising for being an inconsistent absent parent, and i can't lie the "i had daddy issues and THEN i subscribed to dan howell" got me cause yeah no literally dude, you nailed it, exactly, well done. i think something about doing this show again, his magnum opus as he considers it, now after the dapg return was very special to him. he seems genuinely surprised that so many of us were ready to just jump back in like nothing happened, i don't think he was expecting so many people to still be waiting and it's... man. he comes off so grateful for us all and it's so fucking sweet. and then on the last night, i think that was my favourite, when the show ended and he got the standing ovation and people throwing him flowers.. he was so HAPPY. and clearly overwhelmed with emotion which, i gotta say, there is something honestly kinda funny about daniel howell standing in front of you trying not to cry. like no by all means dude go ahead, please, you've made me cry an endless amount of times it's only fair.

ugh. i'm proud of him or whatever. dick. and i'm proud of our ridiculous fucking community. i'm not sure what 14 year old nora would say if you'd told me i'd still be kicking it in the phandom a decade on, but at almost 25 (fml) i'm so so happy to be here still. you know, we get a bad rep, but i genuinely think as far as fanbases go we're pretty solid. and i love you all so much.

i believe i will have to rob a bank or something because the next time dan and/or phil do a tour i think i'll have to just show up at every date like i'm sorry but this was too good of a high we need to do it again immediately

anyway. back to work 💪

(by which i mean giffing dan and phil. i am still very much unemployed. fr though i'm two whole videos behind this has never happened i feel weird. who am i)

[bugs1nmybrain]

L. Lawliet licking honey off female readers tummy and breasts then eating whipped cream off of their pussy- please 🙏

tasty ~ l lawliet x self insert: foodplay

It has taken me a while to get to this, but I've been excited to write about it. L and food play is something I've thought about before, but honestly, I was a little embarrassed to.

Notes about the reader: she/her pronouns, female anatomy, she is blatantly based off of me and is named "Lydia". Her physical features aren't described a lot, though, aside from female sex characteristics

I decided to make the reader me this time because, honestly, writing an ambiguous love interest all the time makes it hard for me to be creative. I hope that's not a bother, but if it is, I apologize and no one is obligated to read this.

Warnings: NSFW (18+ MDNI), self insert, dom L at first but he becomes sub later in the fic, food play (honey and whipped cream), breast sucking, oral (fem and male receiving), nervous reader and L, TEASING, panties fetish, bad POV grammar, established relationship, fatass Beetlejuice reference, no penetration, not proofread yet

"So, what do you think?"

Lydia sat in front of L, dumbstruck by his request. It really wasn't surprising, it was actually pretty L of him. It was rare to find him not downing sweets like no one's business, so this was bound to come. She felt embarrassed, yet not surprised by any means.

Once she could get past how flustered L's question made her, she nodded with a bashful smile.

"I'd be okay with trying that out," Lydia flashed a gentle smile of approval.

"Truly? You seem hesitant."

"I'm not..or-I mean, I guess I am hesitant. It's just because I'm embarrassed."

"If you're feeling self-conscious, I'll assure you that you'd look nothing than gorgeous covered in sweets." While what he said was very flattering, L's deadpan voice made it hard for Lydia not to laugh a little in response.

"It's not all that. I'm just not used to being so exposed."

Taking her anxiety into consideration is something he had already prioritized in this case. However, L had recently paid close attention to her...fantasies. Or at least the ones he was able to find out about. Lydia was a woman with a high sex drive, whether she came to him about it or not was a different story. He had a new side quest to test what aroused her, going as far as to try things they both felt sheepish towards.

The two's sexual relationship was great, however very fresh. Trying more "kinky" sexual activities was new to both of them. Sure, Lydia (and possibly L) had watched a variety of pornography to get a sense of what was erotic to them.

They were currently at a point where the couple would have sex frequently, but it was somewhat predictable. L and Lydia felt great sexual attraction to one another, so chemistry and arousal weren't an issue. But the suspense was starting to lose its pace, something both of them yearned for in times of sexual pleasure.

"We could go completely at your pace and comfortability, love. I don't want to embarrass you (kind of a lie). I just think that this could possibly enhance trust between us. It's also...something that I've, uhm..fantasized about. A couple of times (absolute truth)."

There were already a few ideas in Lydia's head about fetishes L may have had but hadn't been confirmed yet. Seeing him admit to one, though, made her blush and tingle.

"Is that so? Hehe, I thought that you may have."

"Observant as always. That's why you're my dearest."

Lydia didn't respond but instead became flustered to herself and avoided eye contact. Her cheeks were already looking warm, heightening L's arousal when he noticed.

"Would you want to try now?" L asked, scanning her face for any discomfort from his question, or even arousal.

To his satisfaction, her cheeks lit up more, accompanied by an eager smile. She nodded vigorously, with a beam of excitement in her eyes.

"Alright, then. I'm going to go grab a couple of things for us, but I'll be back very soon."

L stood up, about to turn to walk out of the room, but redirected himself back to Lydia. He quickly placed a gentle kiss on her cheek, but turned back around and left the room without any acknowledgment afterwards.

.....

Lydia sat pretty on the bed, unsure if she should be undressing or not. She decided to play it safe and just stay put for now. Not very long after, L opened the door. He only had two things with him, surprisingly. She almost expected him to bring the whole nine yards with him. All he had with him was a jar of extra-sweetened honey and a can of whipped cream.

L made his way over to the bed, placing the containers down as he sat in front of her, sitting in his traditional position.

"You look very pretty today," L compliments. Lydia looked up at him, to see what she thought was a flustered look (it was hard to tell with L). He reached his hand to gently brush her hair with his fingers.

She blushed which made L smile, making no effort to hide his expression. Making Lydia flustered was one of his favorite things. The fact that he, someone so weird and off-putting, could make her feel this way struck a bit of pride in him. Though, perhaps it only made sense, given she was rather strange and unusual herself. Her unhinged demeanor was one of the reasons L found her so adorable.

"Thank you."

"May I kiss you?"

"Yes.."

As always, his lips were incredibly soft and inviting. He was also excellent with his tongue.

The kiss became heated not so shortly after, and L's hands had begun to roam. His delicate, long fingers found their way up Lydia's stomach, pulling her shirt along with them. He kissed her neck up to her jawline as he pulled the shirt off. Soon after came her pants.

"Mmm..." L adores. His fingers immediately rub themselves gently on her clothed clitoris. They caressed her gently, causing Lydia to whimper in pleasure.

"I love you," he continues. His affirmation was much appreciated by the butterflies in Lydia's stomach, fueling her arousal.

"I love you too."

L reached for the honey. He had brought a spoon with him to help put it on her easier. He dipped his spoon in the jar after opening it, causing Lydia to tense up anxiously. L recognizes her timid body language and stops.

"Are you alright? Are you comfortable?"

You smile at his consideration and nod your head.

"Nervous, but I'm comfortable and trust you."

"I appreciate that. "

He made sure to lean down and give her a gentle kiss for reassurance. Right after that, he dipped his spoon in the jar, swirled the spoon around to help with the consistency, and held it above her. When the honey fell on her stomach, she cringed at the cold sensation. L realized that perhaps he should've warmed up the honey.

"Sorry.."

"It's ok, love," Lydia assured him.

The honey began drizzling on her breasts. The sticky substance fell over her skin, causing Lydia's clit to twitch. L smirks in response, though he tries to hide his face.

L puts the spoon back in the jar and screws the lid back on. He looks back at Lydia as she is exposed on the bed, only covered by her panties. She was absolutely gorgeous to him, and the sight made him clam up. He swallowed as discreetly as he could and redirected his attention to what the goal was.

"May I?" He asks, catching her eyes in his, holding out the contact for approval.

"Yes."

He oogles her for a moment before kneeling on top of her. Seeing her full breasts covered in honey was making him very embarrassed, especially because all he wanted to do was put his mouth all over her right now.

"You look incredible..."

Lydia buried her face in her hands and giggled in embarrassment. L started by running his hands over places that weren't covered in honey, trailing his soft fingertips along her sides up to her shoulders. With hesitation, he leans forward to attach his mouth onto her breast. The honey tasted great, and her tit was supple and soft. Lydia felt a shameful arousal build up and her thighs started squeezing together in response. L gave both of them equal attention and then began making his way down her tummy.

The flavor of the honey made this much more comfortable for L. Thid made him a bit nervous admittedly, as the act was so vulnerable for the both of you. It made it easier to lick and suck at your skin with something sweet to distract himself with. He could feel himself growing hard already.

He finally made it to her panties. He looks up at Lydia with neutral but lustful eyes before asking her, "Are you ready for the next part?"

"Y-yes."

"You sure?"

"It's okay," she giggles in response, appreciative of his consideration. Though it wasn't like he hadn't already seen her nude many times before. "You can go ahead."

Lydia's hearts throbbed in her chest while L pulled her panties off. He looked at the mess inside of them with amusement. Her secretion of wetness was always fascinating to him, and her scent was a turn on her him if he was honest.

"Can I keep these for a day or so?"

Lydia laughed at his request, but not offended by any means. "Yes, love."

He gave them a brief whiff, trying to define every detail of her scent. He could tell she had showered recently by the lack of musk, aside from her wetness. His attention returned to her pussy, which was visibly drenched in arousal. The sight made L lightly bite down on his lip.

"You fold so easily for me," he remarks with a cocky tone.

"I do not!"

"Mhm, sure," his fingers return to her clit, stroking lightly for a little bit, actually forgetting for a moment that they were supposed to be incorporating food.

L took the can of whipped cream and shook it to make sure it came out consistently. Remembering the incident with the honey before, he directed his attention to Lydia.

"This might be cold."

"Okay," she smiled at him bashfully, keeping her gaze up at the ceiling as he sprayed the whipped cream on her cunt. He was very generous with the amount he put on her.

"Alright.." L moved Lydia's thighs further apart and dipped his head in between. He latched his mouth on her pussy, licking and sucking all over, actively avoiding her clitoris on purpose. L was known for being a tease like that.

He focused on the taste of the sweets, diving to wherever he could find more of the substance. His mouth sucked along her lips and the sides of her cunt.

"L.."

"Hm? What is it, love?"

"Mmmrrhh," her desperate whines were clearly trying to tell him to put his mouth in the right spot, but he feigned ignorance like always.

"I'm afraid I don't understand gibberish, Lydia." He looked up at her with a face covered in the white cream and sticky consistency.

"Please...?"

"Use your words."

"My clit.."

"What about it?"

She scrunched up her face in annoyance. Not that she didn't love his playful banter with her, but she was aching to be pleasured.

"Please, it's sensitive."

"I can imagine, love. Let me help with that, hm?"

"Mhm~"

To her bliss, he gave her exactly what she needed, wrapping his mouth on her clit. He couldn't see what it looked like due to the whipped cream, but he could tell by the feeling of it on his mouth that she was swollen and yearning.

He placed a little more cream on her cunt, and continued praising her pussy with his skilled tongue. He sucked on her nub as he enjoyed the sweet taste of the whipped cream and flicked his tongue accordingly. He was attentive to how it would pulse against his tongue and how Lydia's hips would jerk when she liked a particular motion. It got to the point where L had to hold her hips down to keep her still.

Her moans caused his cock to strain, making him muffle and grunt against her cunt.

"Fuck, you taste so good."

"It's really just the cr-"

"Shhh.." he continued lapping at her sensitive cunt to silence her, though she only wailed in pleasure. He buried his face closer into her cunt, reaching over her thighs to fondle her tummy while he did.

"Mm~ I'm.."

"Mhm. I know, sweetheart. Go on.."

He didn't stop his attack afterwards, repeating her favorite motion of his tongue as much as he could until her muscles began contracting and her legs and hips squirmed.

"Aaahh~!.☆.☆.♡♡♡~"

As she came all over his face, he sucked at her cunt more, extending her orgasm as much as he could. When her body finally gave out and went limp, he gave a couple more kisses to her cunt before coming up for some much needed air.

"How are you feeling, my love?" He asked as he rubbed gentle circles onto her inner thigh.

"G-good.." she was a little shakey from her orgasm but had a very blissful smile to accompany her. Seeing her surrender to him like this made him horny beyond belief.

"I'll go get some things to clean you up and then we can cuddle, alright?"

"Wait.."

"Hm?"

"Um..what about you?"

"What about me?"

Lydia laughed softly, amused that he didn't ask himself. "Couldn't I do the same to you?"

"Wha-oh! Uh--I.."

L hardly stammered like this, it was a treat to Lydia to get to see him obviously flustered like this.

"Do you want that?"

She looked at him intently, watching him trying to hold back a blushy smile.

"I'd-uh-y-yes. Yes. I'd love that, Lydia."

Lydia sat upwards, waiting for L to situate himself. Despite his awkward and blunt composure, L was gentlemanly in the sense that he typically didn't ask for things like a blowjob often, usually leaving that decision up to Lydia. He saw it as extremely vulnerable not only for him but for Lydia as well. He wasn't big necessarily, but his cock was longer in length and so he didn't want her to feel pressured about her performance. Though tonight, he was definitely grateful she had initiated this.

L sat awkwardly on the bed with his thighs spread as he sat like he always did. Lydia approached him, still nude and not fully cleaned up yet. She rested in between his legs and placed her hands in his chest, motivating to get him to lay down. She unzipped his pants and took them off. His cock sprung out, flushed at his tip and looking painfully hard.

Lydia reached for the whipped cream and doused his cock in it. It made him embarrassed underneath his deadpanned pink-faced stare, but as soon as she began sucking the consistency off his glans, he couldn't have cared less about his embarrassment.

The way she tended to his cock made it seem as if she was trying to tell him how much she loved him through every suck, lick, and stroke. She moaned and breathed through her nose, occasionally wincing as she attempted to take as much of him as she could. She made his heart flutter ever so slightly as she did so. He noticed how when she couldn't take him as far as she wanted, she'd try to compensate by sucking at spots she knew he was most sensitive at.

She pulled back his foreskin to make sure she got all of the whipped cream, dragging her tongue up to suck his tip after. He could feel himself get close to cumming, she usually was able to get him with very simple displays of adoration for him.

At this point, all the whipped cream was gone and his cock was sticky. She bobbed her head and coated L's cock with her saliva. His hand rested at his face, pulling at his lips while he let out whimpers.

"Mmm.."she hummed on his cock, almost making him cum then and there. L reached down to run his fingers through her scalp, which made her react by pushing her mouth further on his cock. He could hear Lydia choke and wanted to stop her from hurting herself, but she didn't seem to mind as she kept going. Her watery eyes and flushed face drove his cock crazy, as it started to twitch and his balls clenched.

"Lydia.."

"Mhm," she nodded with his cock in her mouth, a strange feeling for him but even so, his arousal only got worse and he ended up cumming down her throat abruptly.

"Hrnnn...." L sighed out, trying to regulate his breathing again. He pet Lydia's head while she released his cock from her mouth, swallowing his cum in the process.

"You didn't have to swallow, I know it's not tasty."

"It's ok. Yours isn't bad. I also have whipped cream residue in my mouth so it diluted the flavor."

"Thank you."

She smiled at him and came back up to huddle up next to him. She looked up at him like she had something to say.

"What is it?" L asked.

"Can I kiss you? I know my mouth was just uh.."

L scoffs. "Don't worry about that. Mine hasn't been anywhere better."

Lydia kissed L softly, and rested her face on his shoulder. He rested his hand on her hip and allowed her to embrace him.

"I think it would be appropriate to go take a shower and brush our teeth, don't you think so?" L questioned her teasingly.

"Yea. I'm sticky."

"Me too. I had a good time doing this, did you?"

"Hehe, yes. It felt very good."

"I thought so, too. I'm grateful you agreed to do this with me."

"I enjoyed it very much. I'd be okay with doing it again in the future."

"Oh we definitely will. Maybe we'll experiment with other scenarios too, hm?"

"Like what?"

"Oh darling, I have quite a few ideas in mind for us..."

[pattywagon2go]

FixTF2: What Happened, Why Did Valve Step In, And What Comes Next?

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way affiliated with neither Valve nor the people who run the FixTF2 petition. Do not treat anything I say here as any official announcement of any future plans for the movement. All my thoughts and opinions are mine and mine alone.

As of the making of this post, the save.tf has officially closed down to new signatures, racking up a generous 343,711 total signatures. I've made my thoughts on FixTF2 clear in the past, where I said that I didn't have much hope that Valve would actually do something, but to my surprise, Valve seemed to have finally stepped in and done something about the bot issue plaguing the game for 5 straight years beyond the usual half-assed band-aid fix. In light of Valve surprising me, I want to talk about what's happened, some speculation as to why Valve is potentially doing this, and what I think comes next from all of this.

So, let's clear some stuff up: Is Casual really bot-free?

From what I've seen and heard, yes!

Starting around June 25th, multiple sources reported a massive drop in the active player count for Team Fortress 2 from Steam Charts, being around 15,000-16,000 users vanishing overnight. Many people suspect this to be a large-scale ban wave Valve enacted, and there is a large amount of evidence to support this. (More info from this video by shounic here) Since then, up until the day this post is being written (July 1st 2024), people have reported that Casual servers across all regions have been fairly bot-free, with only the occasional one popping up, a far cry from a month ago, where servers were flooded with them no matter where you went. I myself even hopped on a few games and to my surprise, there were no bots to be found whatsoever. Its honestly been super refreshing to see the game be this clean, as now its actually fun to play once again. I haven't touched the game in months, but since the bots have been kicked out for a little bit, it feels good to play once more. If you haven't played the game for a while cause of the bots, now's your chance to hop in and enjoy the game. Its actually fun to play now that the bots have been squashed. On top of that, (as of the time this post is being written), Valve appears to still be actively curbing cheaters and bots from the game, even setting up a dedicated Steam support page for anyone who gets a game ban here.

So, why's Valve doing any of this?

This is where I'm going to step into speculation territory, as Valve being Valve means there's barely any information they will share with the public, but I'll do my best to come up with some logical explanations. I would say that Valve doing a ban wave has both a short-term goal and a long-term goal. The short-term goal was Valve was always intending to do a ban wave, it just took a while to do. What I think happened was Valve took a while to collect a database of known bot accounts and (presumably) their hosters, and from there, once Valve felt they were comfortable with the amount they had collected, they pulled the trigger and proceeded to wipe them out. They obviously couldn't just outright say "Hey, we're gonna do a wipe of the bots soon" because that would have given the hosters plenty of time to set up proactive measures to make Valve's job harder. The only evidence I really have for this is the dropoff of players on Steam Charts, which shows around 15k-16k players mysteriously disappeared from the game, which seems to point to Valve issuing a game ban toward said accounts/deleting them entirely. Alternatively, Valve could have banned a limited amount of accounts, much lower than the 15-16k shown by Steam Charts, but it sent a scare to hosters who deactivated their bots and took them off the game once they knew Valve was watching them, but this explanation I don't have much evidence to prove beyond scattered Discord screenshots of supposed hosters telling people to change their bot configurations due to Valve clamping down on them. The long-term goal of this, though far-fetched and lacking evidence to support, could have to do with Deadlock, their next game, as a proactive measure to prevent these same malicious actors from flooding the game on Day 1, something many people have pointed out and what's happened to CS2 not even a year into its launch.

(UPDATE: Ok I might as well address this cause it did come up while I was writing the post, but a Team Fortress 2 DLC for an upcoming Funko Pop game called Funko Fusion was announced, and people have said that the only reason why Valve squashed the bots was because Valve wanted the game to look good in time for the crossover.

Now I am by no means a fan of Funko Pop, I think they look a bit ugly and there's a myriad of other things people take issue with, but that's all outside the scope of this post. I personally don't care that this is happening to begin with, as Funko Pops are something I routinely forget about, so as far as the DLC existing, I don't care that much. That being said, if it is true that Valve only squashed bots due to this collab happening to begin with, then that is pretty sad and disappointing to see, with how Valve wasn't motivated to fix the issue until a different company came knocking and asked them to do something cause they didn't want the DLC to look bad. But since there's no confirmation this is the case, Valve does have some level of plausible deniability here, and ultimately, something good did come from this, at a (to me, cause I couldn't give a shit about Funko) nonexistant cost so I won't complain)

So now time to return to the last part of the question in the title: What comes next?

Well for one thing, the war has not been won yet.

A big mistake with SaveTF2 was once Valve tweeted that they apparently "heard" us and were working to improve things, people largely declared victory and chose to stop there. Yet things didn't substantially improve since then, only cascading into a far worse situation. This time around, we cannot give up as quickly as last time. We are on the cusp of victory, but we need to keep the pressure on Valve. Keep holding them accountable for the bot issue. Put pressure on them to get rid of the bots for good. Don't let them off the hook and give them a slap on the wrist for only repelling the bots for a little bit, because believe me, as soon as Valve stops doing anything and slinks back into the shadows, the bots will return, and they will be far worse than anything we've seen thus far. It happened two years ago, it will happen again if we just declare victory now and go home. What Valve is doing is a great change of pace and they do deserve some praise for what they're doing, but we must make sure they stay committed to fixing the issue at hand. The best time for Valve to fix the issue was 5 years ago. The second best time is here and now. For now, hop on a few games and enjoy the (relatively) clean servers. We've earned a small break after our victory, but once you're done, make sure to grab your best bot-stomping boots, because our job is far from over.

[stardustbuck]

Honestly -

Most of these ‘fans’ do not like Buck for Buck. They have created a version of him in canon and anything he does that doesn’t fit it it’s OOC for them, even if it is exactly how he’d act (case in point: The BT scene on 710). They, somehow, cannot accept Buck has changed and matured and is not the same guy he was during S2/S3. Hell, he’s grown alone during S7 alone. Discovering a part of himself has done wonders for him.

Likewise, I truly believe the only representation they care about or want is if it comes in the form of Buddie. They cry on how Henren is being ignored and how it is BuckTommy’s fault, but when have they ever shown care or interest for them beforehand? They use them as part of their argument without giving them proper attention. They don’t care we now have great mlm representation on screen in a show like 911, they’re just mad because it is not Buddie.

And I do suspect they became this mad this fast because they do see the potential of BT and they know this can very well be a LTR for Buck. Ofc we don’t know what will happen, but if we look at it from a neutral POV, we all can see the seeds being planted for Tommy to be there for a while. They’ve made creative choices with him that they haven’t made with no other LI that really sells it for me, to be honest.

(Including giving them a particular sound for everytime they have a moment, but I digress)

I do agree with you - I care about Buck being happy. I was quick to get on board with BT because I have never seen Buck act so giddy and into someone. And so far, I think Tommy is matching him really well. We’ll see what happens in Season 8, but I would be surprised if they break up during it, even more so if it is ep 3/4, which arguably will be right after the start of the season (assuming they go for a multi eps opener)

If I'm being honest, the toxic side of that part of the fandom feels very reminiscent of certain subset of another fandom I'm apart of that I do not want to delve into because I've already done so many times.

get ready for a long response

I came into the 911 fandom as bvddie shipper, I still love the ship itself, idc if it ever goes canon because fanfic exists, edits exist, fanart exists. I love eddie and buck as separate characters respectively and I do not need them to be together enjoy their relationship whether it's platonic or romantic.

I think a lot of the loud, toxic shippers cannot separate them. Listen I think the co-parent jokes are hilarious and cute, but when it comes down to it in reality of the show, buck is not chris' parent. he's like an uncle, so many ppl grow up with their parents friends as their "aunts and uncles" and that's exactly how I'm viewing chris and bucks relationship ever since I've come down from the bvddie high of analyzing everything and putting meaning behind every little piece of dialogue or set design or just like anything. I can acknowledge 911 is not a blockbuster franchise that has months or years of thought put into meaning behind set design or clothing choices like other fandoms I'm apart of that absolutely have so much thought and time put into them for things like that.

bvddie in itself is a great concept. absolutely you can read into scenes as being romantic even if they never were intended that way, that's what we do as fans. I completely understand why ppl see them as endgame because they're absolutely allowed to think that. but us bucktommy shippers are allowed to also talk about why we think bucktommy is endgame. I think that's another issue ppl are having is being able to curate their own feed, if you don't want to see people talk about one of these topics then block accs, block tags, keep your peace!

buck and tommy absolutely feel as though they have been written to last from what I've seen so far so tommy leaving so quickly would feel weird and like a punch in the gut to the journey buck as made. he made the effort to be with tommy even after everything went south. tommy made the effort to show up for buck. we are shown them being on very good terms by the season finale, like, we are probably intimate with one another and are in our cute honeymoon phase type of good terms. having them break up so early would be another Ali/Natalia moment and like, I just am tired of the same story being repeated for buck.

If they really were going for bvddie endgame, I think it would have been done this season. tommy wouldn't have been brought in at all or wouldn't have been involved in the plot outside helping rescue bobby and athena. they didn't need kim there, they could have built on eddies catholic guilt for his queer arc, they could have written what people were theorizing with the bachelor party where buck and eddie ended up kissing while drunk which could have spurred their relationship to begin and still have eddie go through a crisis and found a way to have chris still leave for texas (if they wanted to stick with a cheating arc, it could have been marisol & chris walking in on buck and eddie kissing) like there's so many things people theorized that genuinely would have been great ways to have bvddie be endgame but literally none of those things happened and instead we got buck in a stable, happy relationship with tommy that has been set up in a way that absolutely can have them going through all sorts of things from strengthening their relationship to testing their relationship. tommy can absolutely be integrated into the plot as much as karen is if not more. all I can say is why throw away such potential when you already had the other potential there?

also as an eddie diaz defender, they can never make me hate eddie diaz, I just want to see him not feel this constant need to find a new mom/wife when he's never had time for himself EVER. he needs therapy, he needs to build back trust with christopher, he needs to stop searching for this perfect woman because if there's someone out there for him they will find him eventually. I really want eddie to focus on chris and himself and stop worrying so much about what his life should look like per his family/what society thinks his life should look like.

I truly cannot stress enough how much eddie needs to fix himself and his and chris' relationship before jumping into another romance, whether it be buck or anyone else.

on the other hand, buck deserves to be loved ANYWAYS. tommy is already showing potential to just love buck anyways despite anything that happens, that he'll do anything for him, that he can be his rock. gerrard can definitely be smh to shake them up, no couple in this show is safe from anything no matter how in love and happy they are. it's time for buck to have his madney, bathena, henren moments with his own love interest. buck deserves to be happy with tommy, to go through the hard times with him, for someone to love him no matter what and that absolutely does not take away from how important buck and eddie's friendship is. people cannot seem to grasp that unfortunately and it's sad.

in other words, im so tired of people acting like they are superior over ships. I truly am.

[fushiglow]

Hello glow!!! Thank you for another lovely satosugu work! :)

I absolutely love how real and tangible your writing is - seeing them start with different states of being turned on and building together really paints such a lovely picture of what intimacy is without the expectation of a perfect start-stop :) 3 cheers to realistic sexual dynamics!

Also, I think that your link at the end of your post goes to Violent Delights instead - but maybe that's just an issue on my end!

Thank you so much for this lovely feedback (and the heads up about the link), I can't tell you how much your words cheered me on Friday! They came at a time I really needed to hear them so, if you don't mind, I'm going to use this ask as an opportunity to say a few things about my writing and why I do what I do — no obligation to respond!

Quite honestly, I have been feeling a little anxious about how I'm perceived as a writer recently. When Over the Threshold started gathering some steam in January, I only had five published works on AO3 posted over the course of six months. By the end of August, I'll have 18 published works for Jujutsu Kaisen, 16 of which will be complete. I have never been this productive in a fandom before!

A lot of the reason for that is because I'm finally learning how to work with my AuDHD brain. I love writing, I really do, and I'm constantly excited by the possibilities that reside within my brain. I have more ideas than I have time or hands to write them, but I want to explore as many of those ideas as possible. In the past, I would have forced myself to stick to the thing that I was "supposed" to write, rather than following the burst of inspiration and writing the thing that I "wanted" to write. To no one's surprise, that usually meant I ended up writing nothing at all.

I'm someone who seeks out challenges, and all the fics I've published in 2024 have been experimental in some way. Come Get Your Honey was a challenge in extended metaphor. Balance was a challenge in seamlessly blending two very different universes. Mailman AU was a challenge in format. Violent Delights was a challenge in pushing myself to new and uncomfortable places. Thunder was a challenge in encapsulating an entire world and history within a single motif without ever actually seeing that world and history.

I'm really proud of every single one of those works, as well as the speed I've written them at. I've published 92k words on AO3 already this year and written far more, so I feel like I can no longer justifiably call myself a slow writer. However, all the works mentioned above have artistic merit in the more traditional sense — i.e. they're not smut.

At the time of writing this, three of my five most recent works contain sexual content with varying degrees of explicitness, and it's hard to escape that pervasive (and flawed) idea that smut is "less serious" as a form of writing. Even writing smut in the first place has been a slow process of overcoming some of my own biases. However, sex is part of the spectrum of human experiences, and it's also deeply political. Whenever I explore it in my writing, you can be sure that I always have that at the forefront of my mind. That's why these works, too, have represented something new and challenging and exciting for me.

Discreet Delivery was the first piece containing explicit sexual content that I ever shared publicly and, with how rife top/bottom discourse is in this fandom (most of which is based on heteronormative ideals that I vehemently disagree with), I really wanted to make a statement straight out of the gate. I'm very proud of how I managed to weave a switch/vers narrative into a oneshot, and the feedback on it was wonderful.

Headroom, however, presented a very different kind of challenge. It was extremely difficult to write, because it doesn't follow the beats of a traditional sex scene. There's no satisfaction for Satoru nor for the readers, and that made it tricky to keep it engaging. I was also very nervous about showing a different side of these beloved AU characters and establishing a new dynamic between them while incorporating some of the broader themes from Over the Threshold.

Finally, Tell Me I'm Pretty was pure subversion, writing Suguru in particular in a way I've never seen before to challenge expectations about "roles" in sex. It meant I had no blueprint to work from, but I'm not interested in reproducing the same dynamics I've read a thousand times. However, that also means that I felt very anxious about how people would receive this fic — especially on GeGo Day.

The truth is, everything I write I write for myself first and foremost, but it's hard to keep sight of that when you're blessed with an engaged audience. This is a huge reason why updates to Over the Threshold take time. This fic is deeply important and deeply personal to me, but its growing popularity adds a pressure that I don't want to influence my writing. I feel a constant underlying need to outdo myself with every new fic and chapter I post, but that's unrealistic and unachievable.

Obviously, I want readers to enjoy what I write, but I know the moment I start writing for other people is the moment my writing suffers. That's the main reason why I'm reluctant to put anything behind a paywall, even if I feel frustrated with the way fanfics are casually consumed on the internet. Readers occasionally make demands of me without any respect for my time and effort and creative vision, and sometimes I look at what I've written and think, "Am I really going to give that away for free?". However, asking for anything beyond tips would change the game for me. Enjoying my writing is far more valuable to me, at least at this point in time.

All of this is to say: I really loved writing Tell Me I'm Pretty. I had a blast with it — until it came time to post, at which point I suddenly felt full of self-doubt. For you to appear in my inbox and tell me that you appreciated the realism of the intimacy in this fic? I couldn't have asked for anything more, thank you so much ♥️

TL;DR, I write for myself, but god, it's the best feeling in the world when readers resonate with my writing. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to let me know. I love you all to the moon and back!

[unknownteapot]

I didn’t like Tommy’s story either. I’m currently listening to the episode and so far I love it. You can tell they put a lot of time and effort into it, specially the background sounds. But fans can be disappointed that the format of a series was changed after months of not hearing from it. I don’t think people are ungrateful, they’re upset with how Smosh dealt with this. I think it’s unfair to completely disregard people’s concerns

hiii anon <3

i agree with you, completely honestly, i really don't want to seem ungrateful or like i'm being too negative about this whole thing, i'm going to try my best to listen to the sword af 2 episodes when i can and obviously i understand there's immense hard work and dedication that goes into making something like this, from what i've seen here on tumblr it's great so far- im not intending to disregard that!!

similar to you, though, i'm not too happy the way this was dealt with & announced - my major gripes are that their considerations for people who are deaf/hard of hearing/have auditory processing issues were only made after the backlash of the first announcement? like wdym you're making it into a whole podcast but didn't even think about people who can't listen to it? like not once in the entire process of shifting mediums? as far as i know (please correct me i'd love to be corrected, i hope i'm wrong) there haven't been any steps taken so far about that- i haven't seen any captions/transcripts posted by smosh games or any statements after the 2nd community post on yt where they addressed the backlash on what their further steps are to make this more accessible

it also feels strange to me that they were so silent about it for so long- maybe if they'd made the announcement earlier/gave at least a little info we'd already have had this conversation about inclusivity and captions would be available along with the 1st Ep so everyone can keep following the story they absolutely love as it releases

lastly (and i'm sorry this is an essay anon and anyone reading but i really need to say all this) the community of sword af fans are one of the most dedicated & talented communities i've seen tbh, they have to know the support is there right? i'm so surprised they're not posting any parts of the podcast on youtube (the literal home of smosh), it's so strange to me, it really feels like it's being pushed to the side slightly- but hey what do i know, i'm a silly gal on tumblr pls dont come for me

[aquatark]

Can I ask your opinion on Endless Ocean Luminous?

Thanks for the ask anon! :D

I've been trying to get my thoughts on this game together into something that makes sense for a while now, but no better time than the present!

tldr: I seem to like it more than most people! I think this game is alright though it's still very flawed, and I'm still enjoying myself with it, but it seems very clearly rushed and it shows. I'm still very happy that the series has a third entry at all, and am looking forward to the future of the series after this game!

...okay, now I'm gonna aimlessly ramble for wayyy too long lmao (spoilers under the cut if you haven't played)

So, to get a few of my biggest gripes out of the way:

Having completed it... the plot is god awful (esp the ending, iykyk). I think I would have preferred having none at all, but Daniel is cool

The English voice of Sera isn't ideal, though this is an issue other languages (like Japanese, French) don't seem to have

The setting, character development, and lore is much more shallow, uninteresting, and poorly-explored through gameplay than any other diving game Arika has made, which is saying a lot bc EO1's plot was invented pretty close to release, and is known for also not being great

The game doesn't run as smoothly as I'd like. maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I remember a time when devs didn't feel like they could release their game if it crashes as often online as this game does

Some of this game's creature textures are far less polished than they ought to be for a Switch game. Surprisingly, most of the ones ported from Arika's defunct mobile fishing game are fine! It's stuff like the megamouth shark and bigfin reef squid that really stand out to me as sub-par

I'm not as bothered about this as some ppl seem to be, but I would have liked a little more customization freedom, ala EO2's suit cuts

Many creature descriptions are copied verbatim from EO2, which I really dislike. wasted a perfect opportunity to highlight different aspects of creatures, not rehash the same tired and basic facts

Though I love the concept of dynamic time of day underwater, it's executed very poorly imo. Could have done with some more fine-tuning (something that could be said abt... a lot of this game lol)

All of this however only detracts a little from my enjoyment of the game overall.

The fact that something like the story can be shipped in the final product with a dev team that shares many many people with the original EO games (seriously, compare the staff lists on the wiki, I genuinely teared up seeing so many familiar faces again)... suggests to me that this game was subjected to crazy time constraints, though I don't have any concrete proof. Nintendo has been known recently to be anti-crunch with some of its biggest IPs, so maybe an Arika problem? Regardless, this game shouldn't have released in the condition it's in, and definitely should not be the price it is.

I really don't like being too negative though, so I won't be! After all, and this may be controversial coming from an EO blog... but the various flaws of Arika's previous diving games made this not be the biggest surprise to me. I mean, I 100%ed EO1, including collecting every salvage and getting all gear/hairstyles! Do you have any idea how hellish that is? I eat slop for breakfast!!

I've still been playing a lot of this game with my dear friend MDB (us pictured below), and there are a lot of things I like about it!

I will, for example, drool all over this game's sound design till the day my son "dies" in a tragic submarine accident. Ayako Saso (main talent behind Everblue 1/2, EO1/2, and Luminous' original compositions and sound in general) knocked it out of the park as usual, with the menu sfx feeling really Everblue reminiscent in a way I adore, and the music easily being some of the best in the series. I know many fans are disappointed by there being no vocal tracks, but honestly? While I like the fact EO1 and 2 had them, they simply wouldn't have fit in this game. So I'm chill about it.

I think the random generation and focus on multiplayer are fun and fresh for the series! I have EO1 and 2 when I want polished singleplayer gameplay, and this game when I feel like something else. EO1 and 2's multiplayer objectively sucked, so it's a really interesting angle to take. The gameplay loop is entertaining enough for me - I like salvaging, scanning creatures, collecting tags, and hunting orbs, both in solo and shared dives. The framework is solid, but could use a little more meat.

The fact they were finally able to realize the "Ancient Sea" concept that had been thrown around during development since EO1 is lovely. Despite having been a dinosaur kid, I'm not really knowledgeable on any of the species depicted in-game, so their designs don't bother me... I'm just a sucker for human ruins overrun by prehistoric life!

Though there are some categories of sea creature that I'm a little sad not to see anymore, like seadragons, sea slugs, and many marine mammals... I don't mind this game's different roster. I like the creature variety, because imo, it would have been a little boring and predictable to have the roster just be every creature that was previously in EO, plus some new ones. This system avoids the kind of problem Pokémon games are currently having, where they have so many critters that they can't possibly put them all in one game, but fans are upset not to have the entire dex ported, y'know? It's like playing EO for the first time again!

I've seen several people theorize that the series was "intentionally sabotaged with a bad new game, so that they have an excuse not to make any more EO games", and... I mean... all I'll say about that is that there's no use killing something that's already dead lol. There'd been no games for over a decade, and very little demand for one - why would a game company looking to make money put so much effort and money into marketing, development, pre-order bonuses, and My Nintendo rewards in order to create hype for a game that's bad on purpose... when they could have kept the series dead for free? Nintendo clearly believe the concept of diving games has legs (or fins ig), with a staff team who love the ocean and dive irl, and are trying new things to see if it sticks better than the previous four games they've made, which collectively sold worse than Luminous did.

It may not all be great, or even good, but experimentation and trying unconventional things is what made EO such a special series in the first place baybee! We just remember the parts of it we liked, and forget the really dumb stuff. The EO team has never been perfect, and I can see their smudgy fingerprints all over this game... I mean, these are the same devs who didn't notice a crash so bad it had their game recalled, and repeatedly yoinked copyrighted material without permission to use in their games... but that's a long post for another day lol.

Soooo yeah! Those are some of my thoughts! Feel free to express your own thoughts on the game here - I'd be curious what other people think, and I'd be more than happy to answer more asks on specific elements of the game, or just getting me talkin' about this game, or any other game in the series for that matter! Any EO questions at all, ask away~!

Thanks for reading, hehe! >( ')

[aichi-division]

𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐚'𝐬 𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐢𝐫𝐬

Narrated by Shouta Takeda

Part 1: The beginning

Talking about my past is something I'm not used to. I don't think it's really an interesting topic, I mean, I don't think talking about a guy who was always abused by his family and never had a shred of luck in years is something entertaining for the public... shit, I'm sounding like a victim again.

Anyway, maybe this is an opportunity to express what I always tend to hide. I think my colleagues and friends deserve some kind of explanation as to why I am the way I am.

I lived most of my childhood in the downtown area of Tokyo. My family owns a major home appliance company, so you understand, they shit money. Having a lot of money necessarily implies complying with certain guidelines and standards. A bad management of the family economy implies a bad image to the public and my parents were very aware of this issue.

Yes, now you may wonder how someone like me could live such a luxurious life and end up a bum. The answer is quite simple, I broke the rules. Breaking things is something I've always been good at, honestly. My sin was to choose a path that my family despises. My mother, especially, could never look me in the eye after I confessed to her my interest in the arts.

"We raised you to be a Takeda, to be a future leader of our companies. You're so fucking ungrateful."

My parents and siblings have a very simple way to solve this type of problem. It's like when they serve you a menu you don't like at the restaurant. You just throw it away, stand up and walk away. Clearly I was able to pursue a career in the arts, but the cost was losing my entire family.

I was discarded as a piece of trash with no future and with the money I was entitled to by inheritance, I paid for my studies, lodging and any other stupid expenses that came my way. What I didn't see coming was my own inability to excel at the one thing I loved in this life.

Competing against a host of artists who clearly had greater talent and capabilities was something I had never considered. It was like a direct punch in the face. Honestly, it didn't hurt to lose my family, but it did hurt to give them the reason and satisfaction of my failure.

It is an indescribable rage, as if there were fire in my veins and I could not breathe without feeling like breaking everything. From there, everything began to fall into a hole, infinite, dark, impossible to get out of.

In all that chaos, I made several friends with the same bad luck as me, although they were burdened with something I didn't have at the time: addictions. I started with soft drugs, weed, nicotine…. But within a few months I was relying on methamphetamines, cocaine and starting on a path to heroin.

It's not something I'm proud to talk about. It was a hard time, where many times I behaved like a maniac. I convinced myself that the only way to be happy was through those syringes. It took me a long time to realize that reality was far from the mental construction I had of myself.

There was a time when things, our society, the norm had changed quite a bit. Women in power, competition, a new order of which I could understand little, as I was too stoned to realize it. I was living in a haze, in slow motion, living one second at a time, while everything was going to shit.

And it was there that I met the people to whom I owe my life: Issey and Eiji.

They found me in the Aichi district, who knows how, sitting on the sidewalk, humming some song while going through the worst hangover of my life. When they approached me, I really thought they would be one of those punk kids with their urge to beat up bums, pure Clockwork Orange style. What a surprise I got when I realized that they actually wanted to talk to me and recruit me in some so-called rap battles and I don't know what the fuck.

"I like your voice, do you know how to rap? It's not very difficult, you just have to have a good use of words and use a mic to…" Issey kept talking, so energetic and genuine that he sounded like a walking sunshine that would burn any bitter person like me.

“I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, kid.” I said, trying to decipher something that made sense out of all that monologue.

I think in the meantime, Eiji whispered something about me being a drug addict and that they shouldn't come near me, but Issey was very persistent. I actually smile every time I remember that moment. Things have changed a lot since that day.

Issey and Eiji became what I could really call a family. Being older, I had to take responsibility for their well-being and that forced me to change many aspects of myself, starting with rehabilitation.

The light of those two children made me realize a completely different path from what I had proposed and, above all, an opportunity to be a better version of me. I really hope that if Issey and Eiji read this, they know that I love them dearly and that I am very grateful and proud to be able to be their leader.

...ugh, I got sentimental again.

Anyway, I started living life again, starting all over again. I met a lot of people, started and ended relationships, fought a guy for a condom…. I think I'm at my peak.

I know this is the first part of a series of memoirs I should write later, but I think this pretty much sums up the road I've traveled to be who I am now. I'm not a cool guy, far from it.

But I am grateful for what I have.

[jays-nook]

Watched the First 4 Episodes of the PJO Series, Here are My Thoughts:

Cast:

I absolutely love the cast!! They are just so perfect for their roles!! I've seen my fair share of clips and behind the scenes footage to know the chemistry between the actors and how perfectly the main trio embodies their characters, but actually seeing their acting and how well they fit together just makes sense in my brain!! They're all so small as well and adorable that it really puts it into perspective how young they truly are to be going through all of this and the things the characters go through as the books progress. It hurts but it's also endears you more to the actors and the characters.

Walker is just absolutely perfect as Percy. He's such a little shit and the way he delivers his lines, whether they're angry/emotional/sad or just comedic, is simply amazing!

"I am impertinent" THAT PART HAD ME WHEEZING FR

Although I don't have an issue with Lin Manuel Miranda as a person (I absolutely love his works and stuff) it does not make sense to cast him as Hermes, and that's just going off the elevator scene when he delivers the package! Like I honestly can't imagine this man as Luke's father :// It could've been better.

But the others are just great! Their energy is amazing and omg Mr. D was a blast! It's a much different portrayal than I was expecting since Mr. D is so chill and like aloof in the books, but seeing him yell and stuff at Percy to take on the quest just made me look at him in a new light!!

Filming/Aesthetics:

Every scene is shot so beautifully! And the choices they made with the places they add the music too!! Like the entire fight with the Minotaur being void of music was such a good choice. It just makes the entire scene so much more emotionally charged and tense while keeping the audience on the edge of their seat!! It was filmed so well and god it transported me to how it felt like when I read the books for the first time and went through that scene~

And omg the scene with Sally just sitting in the rain on the windowsill :(( That one was so soft and sad istg- any scene with Sally was just perfect, love her and the actress who did such a good job with her!!

Changes from the Books:

It's been around 5 or so?? years since I last read the books, so my recollection of what actually happened and what didn't was a bit fuzzy while watching the series but I was able to see how things changed. And so far, I don't mind the changes that much, like yes some had me staring at the screen like "hm" because they wetn a different way than I was expecting, but overall not too bad!

I did enjoy the scenes with Medusa, I liked having Percy wanting to hear her out and trusting to follow her inside because of what Sally had told him when he was a kid. I liked the conversations between Percy and her in the kitchen and even when she was explaining her side of the story to the trio. It was such a good way to present the scene, to show her resentment of both Athena and Posiedon, and also to show how she interacts with Percy to lure him in and play on his trusting and albeit naive nature at that point in the quest.

I did see people talking about episode 8 and the big reveal tho and I'm both excited to see it but also wary of the change they added cause I've seen a lot of mixed reactions. Some prefer the book version, some the version in the series.

General Thoughts:

I'm honestly enjoying the series, it's exciting seeing it all come to life and the dynamics and just sitting there in anticipation of what's to come.

I'm currently watching it with my big sis and let me tell y'all it's so much fun!! She hasn't read the books so all she knows is purely from when we watched the movies together a long time ago so she doesnt remember much (but unfortunately the big reveal at the end isn't going to be a surprise for her). I'm having the time of my life being a little shit and laughing at her confusion or whenever she'd start yelling "WHAT" at the screen like when Sally dissapeared HAHAHA she keeps turning to me and trying to come to conclusions and theories for things while I just smile or shake my head at outrageous ones. I am excited to see her reactions to certain scenes in the other books, especially when it comes to a certain someones end in the last book (she does not like him rn so I'm like 👀 rn to see if that might change along the way).

Uncle Rick did such a good job with the series so far and I'm excited to watch the rest of it, especially now that news of it being renewed for season 2 came out HEHEHE

And thats it for today! I'll be watching the rest of the series at some point this week and will be sharing the rest of my thoughts then. Thank u for reaching the end haha. Till then, have a good day folks and stay tuned! <3

*Last 4 episodes here*

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! Thank you for the surprise underline the black update, it was so wonderful to see how far Efnisien and Gary have come, and it felt like an exhale after the last chapter. How's your break going if you want to share? Did you enjoy sharing the chapter?

Hi hi anon!

I loved sharing the chapter, honestly if I wasn't scared about how low my output is at the moment I'd be sharing all the chapters!

It also felt good to remember sometimes I can sneak outside of the schedule and share a little extra.

It's also made me realise that maybe I need to come back with a stripped back schedule and post extras when I feel like I can handle it, and keep it smaller the rest of the time. So it's been pretty eye-opening!

I'm also hoping to share a chapter from A Stain that Won't Dissolve next week as well. :D

(Talking about the break under the read more!)

The break is going well! There was an intense 10 days with Tobermory getting desexed, the sedatives not working, and us struggling to kind of keep him...not miserable, even with plenty of enrichment, training, etc. But thankfully the cone is mostly off now, and he's gotten the all-clear from the vet to run and jump and play again, so he's already so much happier.

The best thing about the break has actually been having more kind of mental time to process some difficult emotional things and make some headway. I have a habit of using work to hide from personal issues, and so in some ways the break hasn't exactly been relaxing, because I've been processing some pretty heavy shit! I've been thinking about my future, the way I interact with people irl and how to increase my socialising, and I've been looking at some of my personal obstacles etc.

But I think the best thing about that is knowing that means the break is working. Like I have space to see what's broken about my writing career so I can actually be like 'let's spend some days thinking about how to change that' instead of knowing that it does have to change, and never having time to think about it, because I'm too busy in the middle of it. I can see what's not working in my personal life and think 'okay what actions do I actually need to take to improve this' instead of just thinking 'I need to focus on that' and never doing it.

I had a therapy session at the beginning of the year where my therapist asked me where my capacity was at. And I said I was at 100% all the time, maybe 90%. That was after I'd talked about being upset and annoyed at myself for never 'making time' to start any of the hobbies or things I wanted to learn. And she was like 'well, how can you learn anything new when your capacity is already at 90-100. How does anyone do anything with only that much left over. We can't do much meaningful work together if you have no capacity to process it, it would be irresponsible of us to go there.'

That was really eye opening for me. Self work requires capacity. If you're at capacity, you can't do the self work, even if you know you need to because you're suffering.

So this year has been a journey to find a way to keep some spare capacity in the tank lmao. At first it was small things, not like this hiatus, but just...making tea for myself again sometimes, going to bed earlier if I needed to, watching some TV I'd been putting off etc. But then it did have to be the big thing - going on hiatus and actually reflecting on stuff.

Ideally, a person should be living at about 40-60 capacity, enough to have some positive stress, but with a decent buffer to handle the unexpected hard things.

So tl;dr the break has been hard and has actually involved a lot of work behind the scenes (I caught up on editing 17 chapters for example, because the backlog got on top of me), but in that sense it's also been really good. It's great to be able to see how to start solving some problems and feel like I can. I'm not having a panic attack at the idea of coming back with a reduced schedule for example, or feeling like my entire career will collapse! Which! I did before!!!

I hope you're doing well too anon (and everyone here reading this). I'm sure we're most of us all a little bit over capacity, or a lot over capacity! Sometimes it takes something really small just to get it less maxed out, I have found 'what's my capacity level right now' really helpful, over the past 6 months.

[genericpuff]

I'm going to try to say this without sounding condescending. But every time I see someone coming into the critical/anti tag to defend LO, specifically the gross maturity/power difference and it's implications, the blog is almost always run by a child. Like, their bio will say 14 or 15, or you can just tell that whoever wrote it is either an actual child or very immature adult. I think it's a testament to the fact that LO very quickly falls apart with any real scrutiny that someone who is immature/young and inexperienced won't apply. And it's also disheartening, because the comic is obviously appealing to a very young audience (mostly young girls), so while an adult with maturity and worldly experience will be able to discern "hey, even though this story is trying to paint such a gap in age and power as something both healthy and romantic, this isn't okay in reality", a child probably won't. It makes me angry with RS and honestly a little sad when I see a comment from a young girl saying that Hades is "goals" or that "Persephone is an adult so it's a-okay". I just have to hope that they have other influences, so if a predatory person comes around trying to be "their Hades", they won't think it's okay.

Not condescending, but definitely concerning. And I say this as someone who's been chronically online since age 14, sometimes the adults around you do have a point when they say "be careful on the Internet". It's not meant to be condescending, it's not meant to be putting anyone down for their age, it's just the reality - there are a lot of shitty things advertised to younger audiences that really shouldn't be consumed by younger audiences. Especially when it comes to things that are easily internalized (like romance, relationship dynamics, etc.)

It's why I've gone on about how LO is basically morally bankrupt at this point, along with many other comics in the romance genre on Webtoons - so many of them are problematic, promote unhealthy relationship dynamics, put a lot of emphasis on normalizing otherwise shitty people and attitudes, and outright objectify women in a very fetishizing if not often sexist way.

Unfortunately WT has figured out that these sorts of stories sell to their main demographic - because their main demographic are made up of literal children who don't know better, and emotionally immature adults who never LEARNED better. It's not a problem that's exclusive to romance webtoons, nor is it one that's solely on RS' shoulders, but it's definitely one Webtoons and RS themselves have capitalized on in a very manipulative way.

It also doesn't help that when you go back far enough in RS' art history, you can see there's a very obvious pattern of her fetishizing innocence and youthfulness, particularly in girls and "little girl" relationship roles (see: she read Lolita and clearly completely missed the point of what it was trying to say). Not enough for me to outright call her a p*dophile, but still enough to make me raise some eyebrows and wonder why she hasn't been called out for it in a more extreme way. I guarantee you if a man were writing this comic, it would have been crucified for its bullshit years ago. Her being a woman doesn't mean her work is automatically less prone to sexism or misogyny or the male gaze than what it would be if the genders were reversed. And I say that as an AFAB creator.

TL ; DR: no, I'm not surprised in the slightest that most of the people defending all the weird and gross infantilization and fetishization crap in LO are literally children. They don't know better, and it's technically not their job to know better because they're children, it's the responsibility of creators like RS to look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves what the actual fuck they're doing. Unfortunately if the creator herself has internalized and normalized creepy and gross relationship "goals" like this for herself, she's not gonna see the glaring issues in peddling it to children.

[tododeku-or-bust]

TW: there is nothing graphic or detailed here but mentions of slavery (including sexual) and the subject is racial sexual stereotypes.

It's kind of a controversial topic, but I wanted to know if I was exaggerating or if it's really a thing.

When it comes to Patrochilles, I divide the fandons into Hades, TSOA, and mythological. Sure, they mix in here and there, but the characters themselves have different looks and personalities and this reflects what is most popular in each tag!

For example, out of all of them, TSOA has the most childish personality and Hades has the most mature personality. Hades!Pat seems to me like he would work well in the Iliad, but TSOA!Pat wouldn't. The amount of Achilles' repudiable actions also varies. In Hades, they're visibly older and Patroclus is very clearly Black, in TSOA they're usually younger and Patroclus is generally represented as Black or ambiguous (I see more light skin, though) and in mythology they're both Greeks who probably had skin color similar for the armor thing to work and this is reflected in the ancient visual representations we have of them (that is, both white. At most, really tan. You can see it in ceramics, statues, and frescoes).

I'm making the differences clear because what I'm going to comment on is specifically the TSOA tag, in which Patroclus may not generally be as dark as Hades!Pat, but still tends to either be Black or at least not white. I've been noticing 3/4 ideas for fics with slavery/master AU, in which Patroclus always becomes Achilles' slave, the sexual tension between them begins when there is still this difference in power and in general any possible dubcon is on Patroclus' part.

And here it comes in: I don't know if I'm exaggerating, but I've been feeling a little uncomfortable that apparently whenever people think about slavery/master AU in the TSOA fandom, Patroclus is the slave and Achilles is the one who develops an interest in him while having power over him? Like…if it was in the mythological fandom, I wouldn't find it THAT alarming because, in theory, they're both white Greeks originally…but in TSOA…I don't know, I'm finding it an uncomfortable pattern.

Honestly, it wouldn't be the first time that a TSOA fic bothers me racially speaking… there's a very orientalist fic (middle of the desert, belly dancing, veil, everything you're entitled to) with a lot of kudos, so it wouldn't surprise me. There are still some fics with descriptions comparing Patroclus' skin to food too (to clarify: just his. I wouldn't mind if all the characters got comparisons like that, but in those fics it's usually just him. This is funny, considering that in TSOA Achilles himself has all the comparison with olive oil, but that disappears and in the end we have chocolate/coffee for Patroclus).

I'm not saying that the writers are racist/xenophobic or that the fics themselves are (apart from the orientalist fic, because its setting is quite "exotifying" and there's no way the fic itself isn't really stereotypical), but it's a "model" to note. Interestingly, such issues are only in the TSOA tag. Fics that are only from the Hades or Homer tag don't have such things as far as I've seen…anyway, I wanted to hear the opinions of other POC who care about racial dynamics in fandoms.

Oh boy lmao. I appreciate the potential warning lmao, that made me laugh. This a long one. I had to go get my laptop because I couldn't properly encapsulate how i felt using my phone.

My short answer:

My TL;DR of my long answer: Unfortunately, racism is entertainment to a LOT of people as long as it's not blatantly labeled on the box. So I can believe that the pattern is there, though I'm not as active in the fic space anymore.

My long answer:

Okay! I've discussed before how I actually pull from all the canons to make my stories (except for my TSoA specific ones) but you're right! There is a characterization difference in the fandoms, that's for sure. And that makes sense, given the source materials. So separating them isn't a bad thing.

I'm going to be honest with you, giving a white man brown skin is not making him Black, so ethnically ambiguous is the best description for a certain amount of fanarts. I used to be far more lenient about it in my excitement for rep, but after a while it was like... nah, I'm allowed to say I want people to look more accurate if you're going to tell me that's a Black man. BUT no one wants to hear my opinions on that because it makes me the resident meanie Black girl, so I've given up on that. While I love creating my own stuff, I don't actively interact with the fandom anymore unless they interact with me first. It's less hurtful for me. I've seen enough and been in enough situations where I recognize that I am not welcome if I'm not willing to quietly swallow racism (from blatant to subtle) and well... I don't think that's fair to ask of me. So I'm here if anyone wants me, but otherwise... 🤷🏾‍♀️

I say that to say, I may not be aware of the current dynamics in fics and the space the way you are.

As for mythology's depiction, while I have opposing opinions, I'm not going to argue with you. Afro-Greeks are real. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I hear what you're saying about the master/slave dynamic. Do they say outright that he is a Black man? Are they using language to suggest that he's 'brown skinned', or some sort of 'exotic' type of man? Is it a part of the exotification in the fic as he is being forced into the slave position? Because then I totally understand where you're coming from with the discomfort. Especially if he's only Black in those fics, but noticeably White in anything else fic wise that doesn't involve that dynamic.

I've talked before about how people tend to make Patroclus the less dominant of the two in the TSoA space, partly from his characterization in the book and partly from fanon taking what they presumed to be weakness in comparison to Achilles and running with it. That combination with a master/slave dynamic AND being Black is awkward for sure, especially coming from the perspective of a Black reader who has that history to consider and wouldn't find it romantic at ALL.

The food comparison is uh... ha. On the one hand, I don't necessarily hate it, but the problem is that people seem to think those are the only two shades of brown that exist lmao. It's lazy. It lets me know as a brown skinned Black reader that you think my skin is inherently 'exotic', 'consumable', or most likely that you don't know what we look like. I once saw a description in a different fandom that described someone's skin color as espresso. That character was a tan Japanese man. like maybe the bubbles at the top of the shot, but CERTAINLY not espresso dark lmao! The same way we can find endless ways to describe pale skin, we can look up shades of brown to care for our Black characters' descriptions because there are A LOT OF SHADES OF BROWN.

To be completely frank, intention does not always equal outcome. Even if those writers did not intend to be racist or xenophobic, they very well could have been regardless. I don't know what fics you're talking about, so I can't speak to if they 'are' or not, but it's not uncommon in fandom for fics and art to contain racism when characters are not white.

A major issue with writing Black characters for nonBlack and White authors is that they likely don't have many (if any) Black peers to consider. They're not thinking of their Black readers or if what they're writing is racist. To them, what they wrote is just 'fun'! They don't recognize how uncomfortable it is when you have a real history with the imagery being depicted. It's why whenever I see some of those arts from... i think it's called Captive Prince? I'm not gonna judge people for reading it, it might be real good! But I'm offput when I see a tiny blond twink holding a large brown skinned man in chains. It's supposed to be sexual, but to me it evokes imagery of Mandigos, despite that being a white man with a tan. Like think about how often you see the reverse. How often do you see a tiny Black twink holding a large White muscle man in chains? Very rarely, if ever! Why is that not deemed fandom sexy? (this is a rhetorical question. i know why.)

There's a long history of Black bodies being sexualized and viewed as objects, and in a master/slave AU or kink dynamic... well. I'm not well versed in kink, so it's not like I can describe exactly what happens in the bedroom. But in fiction I can imagine there would be some tension, if not in the fic, in the Black readers that are reading it. Especially because that has the potential to slip into racism quite easily, written for someone to receive pleasure from said racism. Kink itself is something that should be written with care, AND Romance, AND your Black characters. So... there needs to be some layers of thought!

You can make a Black man/character sexy without treating them like an item. But tbh, that depends on the intent of the writer. If they're not thinking about that, it'll show. And it seems like within those fics you're reading, you're seeing a pattern of the enjoyment of sexualized Blackness and submission. That's actually pretty good! I'm glad you're able to note that.

As for Hades Patroclus, there's probably less interest because he's dark skinned. Colorism and whitewashing are very real things. But let me get off my soapbox. As for the orientalism, it might be a good idea to ask other TSoA Patrochilles writers of color to see how they feel as well, because I can totally believe it's there. Unfortunately, racism is entertainment to a LOT of people as long as it's not blatantly labeled on the box. (And I'm not saying I'm perfect! I'm sure I've read some stuff that I thought was cool that I look back on now and am like "hmm... that's no good.")

So yeah, that's my response to this! I feel like I rambled, but I wanted to give you the thoughts that I had.

[this-acuteneurosis]

See I see all these questions about when is Leia going to tell… the only plot points I can see drawing out Leia’s truth involve Palpatine. Maybe Tarkin. She slips when she’s mad, and the biggest spot I see her slipping, probably in front of a few people, almost certainly including Anakin, is when Palpatine goes down. There’s no way that doesn’t include him attacking Leia, and Anakin defending her. But a fight with Palpatine, including Leia with a lightsaber (as we have hints she’ll be getting), and we know the man likes to talk while he fights. There’s too many factors working against her at that moment. Other possible witnesses include but are not limited to Padmé, Bail, Shmi, Obi-wan, Mace, Yoda, the Jedi Council, the Courascant guard, the entire Executive building, etc., but will most likely be limited to only a couple of people on that list based on author trends on the topic. Before that day, though, I’m going to guess Leia keeps the majority of her secrets to herself. After, I suspect her truth will probably only be known to the Skywalkers’ and maybe a couple members of the Jedi Council, if Obi-wan gets on the Council again. What the after looks like is still a complete mystery. I can see anything from a complete dissolution of the Republic into a new government where the Jedi serve a new purpose, to the Republic limping along towards something better, and the Jedi completely changed by the upheaval. The Skywalker’s I really couldn’t tell you at all. There’s a million different options. All of this being a long way to ask if we should expect a relatively happy ending? Like do you consider this a fix it?

Gonna be honest, I literally have never thought someone would ask me "Did you come into this fandom to write an 800k Star Wars political time travel But-Worse," and I'm caught somewhere between stunned and hysterical laughter.

Guys, it's tagged fix-it. It has been since Like Fire. It has been on every chapter I've made a post for on here.

I'm...honestly a little concerned if we've gotten this far in the story and you don't think it's moving in a "towards happiness" direction. Like, there's supposed to be ups and downs. Lots of tension. There's a war on. There's grief. The premise is sad, Leia's family died again.

But, um. Shmi is alive. Anakin is more stable. Obi-Wan is doing okay all things considered. Leia is making friends, even if she is surprised by it. Padmé is becoming a better politician. The clones' rights are an active issue that is being addressed. There is help for refugees. The Order is trying to be proactive.

And, of course, Palpatine is going to lose. Like, that is the whole of Leia's plan. Palpatine loses. For her, this story is not over until we've reached that end game.

So, uh. Yeah. It's a fix it. Was...was that in question???