#i'm her human jungle gym

[blooming-violets]

Giving preschool teacher Peter Parker a massage, I know those kiddos use his long limbs as a human jungle gym

[from this prompt list] [feel free to request a prompt from the list]

[tasm!peter parker x reader]

Gray Hairs and Massages

"And then, for some unknown reason, Marcus stood up and started singing Jingle Bells at the top of his lungs while Allie attempted to do the worm around him. She hit her face off the floor and got a bloody nose. Meanwhile, Jessica and Kit have climbed to the top of the bookcase and are attempting to jump off, Kevin has Chubs the hamster in his pocket even after I told him not to touch the class pet, Max is spinning in circles so fast that he starts puking, Rowen is crying in the corner because he misses his mom, and the rest of the kids are sitting on the circle time rug looking at me like they've lost all hope in my abilities to run a classroom!"

Peter let out a loud, exaggerated sigh and flopped face first onto the bed after detailing his chaotic work day to you.

"I thought fighting crime was hard," he mumbled into the bunched up blankets under his face. "Preschool is worse than any bad guy I've ever come across."

You repressed a laugh for his own sanity and took a seat on the bed beside him, "At least it'll be good practice for when we have kids. If you can handle 22 children, I think you should be able to handle four with ease."

He peaked his eyes up from his blanket prison to give you a questioning look, "Four? You want four kids now? What happened to only two?"

You shot him a smile and gave an innocent shrug, "Hearing you talk about the chaos made me excited. I want to see you in action. Super dad, Peter Parker. It has a nice ring to it."

He groaned and hid his face back into the blankets, "I don't think I could even handle one. These children are crazed. They're taking over. They know I'm weak. They can smell my blood in the water and they're circling into attack mode. They're going to eat me alive. One day someone will check in on me and my half devoured body will be staring lifeless up at the ceiling while the children have gone completely feral as they feast on my flesh for snacktime. It's Lord of the Flies in there. My head has been pounding all evening."

You chucked at his over exaggeration of the situation and patted his back, "Such a drama queen. My day was lovely, thank you for asking. I got to sit in a quiet library and sort books."

He rolled over and flopped his head into your lap, staring up at you, "That sounds wonderful. Wanna trade?"

"You wish." You brushed your fingers through his thick hair. "Want me to give you a massage? I'll go grab some ibuprofen for your headache and massage away your troubles."

He responded with a pathetically sad whine, "Please. I'm dying."

You scooted out from under him to go grab a bottle of pain meds from the cabinet, along with a glass of water, and your cooling eye mask from the fridge. When you returned, Peter was laying in his boxers and had half unbuttoned his shirt before giving up. His arms were flopped onto the mattress and spread out to either side of him while he stared in a daze up at the ceiling.

"Help me," he croaked, his voice clearly strained from trying to speak over boisterous four year old's all day. "'m so tired. Can't even finish taking my shirt off. Just wanna be comfy..."

"Oh, honey, you poor thing," you chuckled under your breath. "Come here."

You placed his things on the bedside table and quickly made work of unbuttoning his shirt. He shrugged it off his shoulders, grabbing the pain relief next to him and chugging the entire glass of water with it. You helped fix the eye mask around his face and he rolled back onto his stomach.

You climbed up on top of him, straddling your legs on either side of his hips, and started to rub your hands over his bare shoulders. Peter let out a low groan of approval.

"Your hands are so cold," he mumbled.

"Aren't they always like that?" You replied, working your fingers into his large muscles with circular motions.

"Yeah but they feel nice now. You should quit your library job and work as a masseuse. Libraries are a dying breed."

You gasped in feigned outrage, "How dare you speak of my beloved library like that?"

He shrugged his tense shoulders, a tiny smile gracing his half hidden face, "Truth hurts, baby."

"Yeah, well, at least I know I'll never become a preschool teacher."

"Hey, don't mess with us teachers. We're hardcore."

You laughed, "Says the man who couldn't even take off his shirt tonight."

He gave a sly smile, "Maybe I wanted you to be the one to undress me? Maybe I knew exactly what I was doing?"

"Or maybe you were exhausted and lazy?" You patted his shoulder and rolled off him, sitting upright on the mattress. "Turn around and roll over. Put your head in my lap. I'll massage your head."

He did as he was told and settled nicely into your lap, a lingering smile on his lips. You gently took the eye mask off his face to have better access to him. You started with a gentle pressure, circling around his temples and working your way up his hairline to his forehead.

"Imma fall 'sleep," he mumbled.

"Go for it. You deserve the rest."

You continued to work on massaging his scalp, listening to his breathing get steadier and softer, when you looked down and quietly gasped at what you saw. As you ran your fingers through his thick hair, you noticed a patch of gray glinting under the dim light. The more you brushed through it, the more single strands of gray you saw. It wasn't immediately obvious unless you were up close and grooming him like you were doing but, there was no denying it, Peter was graying.

"Well, shit," you whispered under your breath.

Peter peaked a sleepy eye open and mumbled, "What? Don't tell me a kid gave me lice again."

"Not lice. Did you know that you're graying?" You couldn't hide the tinge of amusement in your voice.

His eyes snapped open, the sleep vanishing from his face, and he shot up right.

"What? I'm not going gray! Don't say that!" He gasped, putting a protective hand to his precious hair.

You laughed at his over the top reaction, "Sorry, Pete, but go look in the mirror."

He rolled off the bed and ran to the bathroom. You laid down to curl up in the warm spot his body heat had left on the bed and smiled when you heard his yelp of horror from the other room.

"No!" He yelled. "Those damn kids! This is their fault!" He shuffled back into the bedroom with a pout. "Am I old?"

You rolled your eyes, "You're 35, Peter."

"Is that old?" He sank to knees beside the bed in front of your face and looked up at you with pleading, but playful, eyes.

You nodded, taking on a serious tone, "Very. Oldest man alive."

"Oy vey," he stifled a laugh with his hand. "Might as well get me a cane and call me grandpa. Now that I think about it, my father grayed really early and so did Uncle Ben. At least they both still had a full head of hair. I'd rather be gray than bald. If I start to bald, I need you to put me out of my misery."

You scooted over to give him space to climb into bed with you, "Come on, old man. I promise if you go bald that I will make you a wig out of my own hair."

He rolled into bed beside you and snuggled his face next to yours so your noses were brushing against each other, "I have gray hair."

"I know," you whispered back. "That's so fucking hot."

"Really?"

You nodded, "Oh yeah. You're giving off serious daddy vibes right now." You gave him a sneaky smirk. "Is this old man too tired to please his wife tonight?"

His smile matched yours as you watched his eyes spark to life, "Wow, look at that, I suddenly feel fully rested. You're the perfect cure to a crazy day."

[yourtoocleverfox]

"I'm exhausted."

Peter yawned loudly, his long arms straining over his head in an exaggerated stretch.

"Probably gonna take a nap before this afternoon. I get the feeling I'm gonna need my energy for all the little ghouls and goblins running around."

You briefly met his eyes as your fingers flowed over your keyboard. "Do you guys have Mayday's costume all picked out?"

"'Course we do." He leaned back in his seat and propped his feet up on the conference table, scattering a few sheets of paper in the process.

"She's gonna be a ladybug. I was partial to the spider costume I made. It had hairy little legs and everything; MJ wanted her first Halloween costume to be something cuter, though. I personally think she's cute in everything she wears, but I digress."

"To be fair, spiders are kind of gross."

You smiled at him and straightened the stray papers before closing your tablet. "I think MJ made the right call."

Peter made a sound of disbelief. "Yeah, you and everyone else apparently. You know, Halloween is when you're supposed to dress up as something spooky, right?"

"Not true. I, for one, plan to wear something cute."

"Yeah? Like what?"

You slide back from the table and stand, slipping your things in your bag and draping it over your shoulder. "You'll just have to wait and see."

You breeze by him on your way to the door.

"Someone's in a hurry."

"I have a few errands to run for Miguel before I can head home and get ready. Speaking of..."

You pause, hand on the doorknob, and fix him with a pointed look. "Feet off the table. You know Miguel hates that."

"I know, I know." He huffs and pulls his legs off of the glossy surface, giving you a glimpse of his mixed matched socks.

"Thank you." You smile at him sweetly before ducking out of the room.

"Happy Halloween!"

You waved as a group of kids in busy costumes skipped away, plastic pumpkins briming with sweets.

O'Hara Tech was hosting its annual Trunk or Treat festival for company and community children alike. You'd been excited to hear about this event and even more so when you learned that volunteers were encouraged to sport costumes of their own.

So, here you stood, dressed in white silk with a shinning halo floating above your head as you handed out candy to hyper little creatures and heroes and princesses.

Peter was with you, doing his best to wrangle Mayday as she used him like a human jungle gym, crawling and pulling and hanging from his tattered zombie costume.

"Do you need some help?" You asked with a laugh.

"No, no. I've got it. Don't worry. Everything is definitely okay."

Babbling cheerfully, Mayday reached for her father's nose, smearing his hastily applied makeup as her tiny hand latched onto his skin. Peter winced, earning a giggle from the baby.

"Yeah, no, everything's great. Promise."

"If you say so."

With a smile on your glossed lips, you tickled Mayday's sock covered foot, giving Peter temporary reprieve as she laughed again and reached for you.

"She's got her father's grip," he shrugged, adjusting the insect antennas perched on her mop of red curls.

You shook your head at the pair, but honestly their antics added a particular lightness to the already fun evening. And like that, your mind was wandering to Miguel, imagining what it would be like if he were here with you.

He'd hardly spoken to you regarding the event, and you wondered if he'd make an appearance tonight at all. It was hard to imagine Miguel all dressed up, chitchatting with his employees over handfuls of candy corn. Lately, though, you'd caught glimpses of a different side of him, a secret part hidden under his impenetrable facade that made the idea of him being here tonight a not-so-sure impossibility.

All around you, there were friends and coworkers standing by their decorated car trunks chatting in various costumes as they passed out candy to the groups of children roaming the parking lot.

In addition, there were food stalls and craft stations spread out among the cars and spilling over to the adjacent park. Music played from somewhere you couldn't see and there was even a bounce house set up in the grass.

You stretched up on the balls of your feet, hoping to see even a ghost of his unmistakable silhouette, but your attempt was in vain. The crowd was thick and so much was going on that there was no way to keep track of it all from where you stood.

"Hey, will you be alright if I take a look around? I want to see what all is here, maybe find something to eat while I'm at it."

It wasn't a lie, not really.

"Sure, sure. Bring me back something too? MJ's supposed to bring Mayday and I a snack when she gets off work, but if im being completely honest, I cant wait that long."

"Cheeseburger with extra pickles, extra mustard?"

"You know me so well."

The sun was just sinking below the red and orange trees, but the festival was still in full swing. You'd delivered Peter his burger and allowed yourself to indulge in a massive puff of cotton candy (shared with Mayday, of course). You'd passed on bobbing for apples, but you did manage to win an adorable stuffed cow in a scarecrow decorating competition.

All of this and still not a single sighting of Miguel. You were beginning to feel a bit childish, roaming around like a schoolgirl with a crush in the hopes of seeing the object of your infatuation. It was silly. He was your boss. Any special attention you thought you were receiving from him was just general amicability. An employer looking out for his employee, nothing more. You needed to remember that.

Now, you were skirting the line where the park met the car lot, carrying your little toy cow in your hands, deciding which activity to try next. There was pumpkin carving and a roped off dance floor, or maybe you would head home early and call it a night. To be honest, you didn't feel like doing much of anything now, and you mentally kicked yourself for allowing your mood to be dampened by something so juvenile.

"Raaahh!"

You paused your steps as a chorus of childlike shrieks and laughs drifted toward you from the grassy field to your left.

"You'll never escape me! Your blood is mine!"

You looked over and felt your stomach do a giddy little flip. Never had you thought you'd see the day when your boss, dressed head to toe in a richly designed vampire costume, made himself subject to an onslaught of playful attacks from a small group of children.

You found yourself smiling as he allowed himself to be tackled to the ground and dog-piled by the mass of tiny, squirming bodies.

"No! I've been slain. Mercy! Mercy!"

He was hardly visible underneath them, but you could hear his laughter among theirs. It was a rare sound, his genuine, uninhibited laughter. Witnessing this side of Miguel felt like something secret, not made for your eyes, but you couldn't look away. You drifted closer, watching the scene unfold like some picturesque film on a screen. And then, deep in your chest, a feeling bloomed as his steady hands lifted one of the little girls into the air with ease. A purple princess with her flushed cheeks stretched in a wide smile, giggling as she flailed in his grasp. It was a perfect moment that you were content to watch forever.

But eventually the children were herded away by their waiting mothers, breathless and eyes sparkling from their time playing in the field. Miguel's dark gaze met yours, a lingering smile on his face, as he climbed to his feet and brushed stray grass from his clothes.

You'd been caught now; he knew you'd been watching, so you approached him, stopping an arm's length away. Even from this distance, there was that magnetism between the two of you that you'd been trying to ignore. A feeling, whenever he was near, that drew you into his orbit. Your fingers slid over the soft fur of the toy in your hand, a gesture to soothe the fluttering in your stomach.

His sharp eyes followed the movement before drawing back up to your face. "Cute," he commented.

"I won him a little while ago." You bit your lip to hide a smirk. "I was thinking of naming him Moo-guel. Get it? Because he's a cow."

Miguel rolled his eyes but the amusement from earlier still lingered there. "Clever. Very funny."

"Think so?"

"Don't let it go to your head. I'm just glad you're having fun."

"I am."

He watched you in the way you'd grown used to, silently contemplating thoughts you could only hope to be privy to one day. The two of you stood there like that, the moment marching on until you began to feel antsy under the weight of his gaze.

You decided to interrupt the silence with something that'd been on your mind. "This is a wonderful event, Miguel."

He looked past you to the crowd of families enjoying their night out but didn't say anything.

"Peter says the company's been doing this for three years now," you continued. "What made you come up with this idea?"

Something unreadable passed over his expression. "Peter talks too much."

You could feel the mood shift, and you scrambled for the correct thing to say.

"He only said that this event was special to you. I figured it was because it was a fun way to give back to the community. I mean, you were having more fun tonight than I've seen you have in six months."

He seemed to consider what you were saying, at least you hoped so. He was such a closed book when he wanted to be. You found yourself relying more and more on your intuition than ever before when it came to understanding him.

His head tilted to one side just barely as he regarded you. You prepared for him to reveal something enlightening about himself or the reason behind tonight's importance.

"Your halo is crooked."

"Seriously?" You let out a sound that was between a sigh and a laugh.

"Mmhm," he confirmed.

The corner of his mouth quirked up into an amused smirk as you looked at him with mock disbelief.

"I thought we were talking about the event."

He ignored you and lifted a hand to your hair. You stood stone still, looking up at face as he carefully manipulated the pins and clips in an effort to right your headpiece. He looked completely focused on his task, refusing to meet your eyes a single time as his fingers ghosted over the top of your head.

When he was finally satisfied, he took a step back. "Better."

"Thank you." You smiled up at him and his gaze seemed to soften. "I like your costume, by the way. Very spooky."

He looked down at his clothes as if it was the first time he'd actually considered them.

"Spooky, huh? It didn't keep those little terrors away."

You felt your heart flutter. He was joking, something unusual for him, and it was almost absent of his characteristic sarcasm.

"I was surprised you survived that assault. I was a little worried for you."

He gave a light chuckle and the fluttering in your chest grew. You decided to take a chance and continue the banter. "I thought maybe I'd have to rush in and save you.

"You save me?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Bold of you to assume I wasn't just luring you into my trap."

He took a step towards you, dark eyes pinning you in place as you fought the instinct to step back. He was clearly playing with you, the amused glint in his eyes told you so. Still, your body was reacting to him in ways unfamiliar to you and you felt like you were floundering.

"Oh, please." You made an attempt to scoff at his antics, but it came out as a breathy sound. "I could easily take you. I'm not worried."

"Uh-huh." He took another step forward and you were sure your eyes must be wide as saucers, but you refused to flinch.

This was so out of the ordinary for him. Gone was your stoic, measured boss, replaced by this new man looming over you. This man with a mischievous smirk painting his lips as he took yet another step closer, taking up your space. This man who circled a strong arm around your waist, large hand pressing into the small of your back as he held you in place. This man who sent your heart racing as his face moved closer and closer to yours, so close that you could feel the warmth of his breath on your skin.

"Are you worried now?" He asked, voice low and husky in your ear.

You gave your head a small shake in the limited space. "No, never."

Your voice sounded small to your own ears, barely a whisper but you knew he could hear. Your free hand found it's way to his chest and clutched at the fabric of his shirt, urging him just that much closer.

"Mi corajuda angelita."

His breath ghosted over your shoulder, and you shivered. That sensation was quickly replaced by a sting of pain against your neck and then the warmth of his lips against your skin.

You gasped in surprise and you felt him still against you. You had been caught off guard by his actions, but you hadn't wanted him to stop. You'd wanted the exact opposite, really.

There was a rush of cold that replaced the warmth of his body as he pulled away to look at you, and you worried you'd made a mistake.

"What's wrong?" You asked, blinking up at him. Your hand was still fisted in his shirt and he made no move to remove it.

He looked at you in that way again, studying you, trying to read your reaction.

You parted your lips to speak again, wanting to reassure him that you didn't mind his closeness- welcomed it, in fact- or the fact that he bit you. You wanted him to pull you in again, into the shelter of his body. You wanted him to kiss you more, on your shoulder, your neck, your lips. You wanted him.

"There you are!"

You whipped around to see that all too familiar lanky silhouette striding towards you in the shadowy light.

"Peter?"

"Peter!"

You and Miguel spoke in unison, equally caught off guard by your unexpected guest. Instantly he put distance between the two of you, his fingers gentle as he removed your hand from his shirt.

You glanced up at him, but his expression was unreadable. He instead had his eyes trained on Peter who continued to close the distance.

"Oh, hey, boss! I didn't expect to find you out here. Well, to be honest, I hadn't really expected to find either of you out here."

He looked at you. "MJ just got here and she was hoping to say 'hi' before you left. I told her you might have gone already but decided to have a look around just in case."

"Oh, yeah, Miguel and I were just talking for a bit." You laughed nervously but he seemed none the wiser to just how close you and Miguel had gotten.

You looked to Miguel only to find him looking back down at you. You tried to read his expression but he looked away before you could guess what he was thinking.

"I should let you two get back to the party," he said. His earlier lightheartedness was gone, replaced by his usual tone.

"You sure, buddy? You should come say 'hi' too. You know Mayday just can't get enough of you."

You looked up at Miguel with your own pleading expression. "It'll be fun," you offered, but he shook his head.

"Tell MJ I'm glad she was able to make it tonight and that I hope she has a great time. There are some guests I invited tonight that I hoped to talk shop with a little before it got too late. Enjoy your night, both of you."

Before either of you could protest, he was making his way across the grass, long strides increasing the distance with each step.

"Man, that guy never takes a break. I'm telling you, you're gonna have to sit him down and talk to him about that. Goodness knows, you're the only one he listens to nowadays."

Peter continued to drone on as you followed him off in a different direction. You kept glancing over your shoulder, hoping to see a glimpse of Miguel somewhere in the crowd, but to your dismay he had seemingly disappeared into the night.

Tag List: @sukunash0e

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[melishade]

This is my guess of what's going to happen in the next New Age Anology:

Wheeljack: Still don't believe me and my outrageous claims? Well then, take a look at this! *tosses Ultra Magnus his datapad* I've been documenting everything of importance since landing on that planet! Go ahead, see for yourselves.

Ultra Magnus, with everyone else looking over his giant shoulders, skimmed through a few photos.

Ratchet: Why are there humans climbing all over Optimus like a jungle gym?

Bulkhead: Who's that angry looking human with the red eyes? And why's he flipping you the bird?

Bumblebee: Is Optimus wearing a scarf?

Ultra Magnus: *lets out an exasperated sigh* Wheeljack, these aren't documents. They're more like pictures from a vacation.

Wheeljack: *grins sheepishly* Ok, I may have exaggerated a little bit. It's not proof, but they're good pictures, and I've been dying to share them with you guys!

(I don't know exactly what Wheeljack or Arcee have taken video or pictures of while on Paradise, but I bet he'd love to share them with his friends.)

...I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING TO PUT SOMETHING IN THE AUTOBOT ANTHOLOGY!

Here's the bonus for the Autobot Anthology! Also in honor of Hanji's Birthday, because that's today!

Autobot Anthology

"Hey! Wheeljack, have you been taking pictures of us?!" Hanji exclaimed as they swiped through the datapad propped up against the ship. They saw pictures of the humans training with 3D gear. They saw a picture of Eren training with Optimus. They even saw pictures of Optimus wearing his winter blanket and some of the Survey Corps sitting on Optimus' shoulder.

"Oh yeah, thought it would be fun," Wheeljack casually waved off as he was tinkering with the calibrations systems, "Well, Miko thinks taking pictures is fun, and she always took a lot of those. Gave us some to keep too."

"These do look fun," Hanji agreed, "And a lot more detailed than what our world has to offer."

"Yeah well technology can do that," Wheeljack shrugged, "I did try getting pictures of Buckethead's holoform, but he's been super elusive whenever he sees me. I know I'll get it someday. The blackmail will be awesome."

Hanji stopped swiping through the pictures, falling onto one of Arcee bonding with some of the Survey Corps members. It was genuinely a sweet moment. And the picture gave them an idea.

"Wheeljack, I demand that we all take a group photo!" Hanji shouted at him.

"A little bit busy today," Wheeljack reminded.

"Well, I invoke my birthday rights and one gift: that we all take a group photo together!" Hanji declared.

"Wait, you have birthdays here too?!" Wheeljack was baffled at the statement.

====

Later

"So why are we doing this?" Levi demanded as Wheeljack began to set up the datapad and the timer.

"I invoked my birthday rights," Hanji shrugged.

"Hanji, you barely celebrate your birthday," Levi reminded, "You do more for my birthday than yours."

"Because your life is sad, Levi." Hanji placed their hands on their hips.

"Jean, stop trying to fix your hair! You look fine!" Connie groaned in frustration.

"Easy for you to say, baldy!" Jean shot back as he was combing his hair with the comb Mikasa got him from Hizuru.

"Hey!" Connie yelled.

"And the fighting continues," Armin sighed in defeat.

"I'm surprise you joined," Arcee remarked as she looked up towards Optimus, both Cybertronians in their bipedal mode.

"Hanji insisted that I join," Optimus explained, "But I do not see any harm in that."

Arcee was surprised, turning her helm away and mumbling. "You really are different."

"Setup's almost done!" Wheeljack called out.

"Alright, everyone line up!" Hanji ordered as they pushed Levi forward into the line. From left to right stood Armin, Eren, Mikasa, Sasha, Connie, Jean, and Levi. Hanji stood right next to Levi, nudging their hips with his. Arcee and Optimus stood in the back, careful not to step on or obstruct the humans.

Once Wheeljack adjusted the placement of the datapad in the tree and set up the timer, he quickly ran over to the group and jumped over the humans, standing right next to Optimus.

"That was a little scary." Sasha gripped her chest.

"So what are we supposed to do?" Mikasa asked.

"Stand and smile, or make a funny face," Wheeljack answered.

"Smiles first!" Hanji grinned. Nearly everyone followed Hanji's lead and smiled, save for Levi, who merely crossed his arms. The timer reached zero, and the datapad took the picture of all of them together.

"So is that it?" Eren asked.

"No, I put it so it can take multiple pictures," Wheeljack answered.

"What?" Levi demanded.

"Funny faces!" Hanji declared.

The Survey Corps and the Autobots continued to take pictures of themselves with the datapad at Hanji's request, much to the annoyance of a few of them. They took as many pictures as they could, doing ridiculous poses or even climbing onto the Autobots. Wheeljack stated they couldn't take anymore due to storage usage. Arcee and Optimus peered over Wheeljack's shoulder while the humans climbed on top of Wheeljack to see the pictures. They smiled and laughed at each one, and decided as a group which ones to keep.

"When we contact Earth, I'll make sure to get these printed out so you guys can keep them," Wheeljack informed.

"Really?!" Armin asked with excitement.

"I bet Jean is going to keep all the ones with just him!" Connie jeered.

"Shut up!" Jean shouted at him.

"Hanji," Optimus whispered to the Commander. Hanji turned their head and walked over to Optimus.

"I am surprised that you do not celebrate your birthday," Optimus remarked.

"Eh, not too much of a big deal," Hanji proclaimed.

"I feel as though it matters," Optimus proclaimed, "You are important to everyone here."

Hanji nearly got emotional at that. "Even you?"

"Yes." Optimus answered with no hesitation.

Hanji chuckled a little. "That's a pretty good gift for my birthday."

"Although I do wish I could have gotten you something," Optimus stated.

"Well, maybe you could get me something from Cybertron when we reach it," Hanji suggested, "Something...explosive~?"

"Non-explosive," Optimus declared.

Hanji smacked their lips. "You're no fun."

(So this won't be discussed in the New Age Anthology just yet. But I can give you a hint about the next portion of the New Age Anthology. It's a reference to season 1 of TFP. And Happy Birthday Hanji: you wild ass maniac.)

[eliounora]

I'm not a big disney fan outside of childhood nostalgia but every time I see one of those prince rankings I'm like ok but I could rank them better. and I happened to be bored so I did

some mentions I have to make so people don't wonder:

flynn rider: basic choice. scientifically engineered to be a hot man. no bite or edge to him. if you look at concept art he was supposed to be a big guy but they changed him to this market researched douche with a soul patch. absolute travesty

aladdin: he’s cute and good-hearted, lies to get his way but learns to be true to himself. lessons we all learn in life. next

jim: has the best song. i too want the moment to be real

phoebus: mmm. ehh

prince charming: literally what it says on the tin. storybook prince. not a man, a plot device

cinderella's prince: has a thing for feet. nice. funny in the sequels but a cardboard box is more interesting than his design

and now the top 10:

10. hercules: hunky demigod himbo. true hero is tested by the strength of his heart. the lesson all gym bros need to learn.

9. quasimodo: has heart and character, and sang “out there” like an angel.

8. prince eric: spends all his days with his dog and playing the recorder. who let him out of containment. too nervous to kiss a girl he likes even though she is sending obvious signals. he wants to get the know her better. king

7. tarzan: loin-clothed hunk with the facial structure of a statue. roams the jungle to the tunes of phil collins. loves his mom without being weird about it. prime man

6. the beast: eye and soul candy for the monsterfuckers. hot take but he wasn’t that bad as a human. he was hot. especially when you consider that his backstory included him being so snobby and vain that he was turned into the beast. like isn't that the consequences of your actions pretty boy. love to see it

5. milo: linguist. has round glasses and that 90s curtain haircut. all features that can indicate sleeziness but he is a good guy, meaning sometimes a man with round glasses and 90s curtain haircut can be trusted. a lanky charming nerd and therefore my exact type unfortunately

4. kenai: excellent protagonist. so deep in the throes of toxic masculinity he gets turned into a bear. isn't that the consequences of your actions pretty boy

3. shang li: bisexual king. nothing more to add.

2. prince naveen: now I may come from a protestant culture but a lazy jackass learning the value of hard work and love is what it’s all about. a dish. gets turned into a frog, isn't that the consequences of your actions pretty bo-

1. robin hood: “he's a fox hahah furry" FUCK YOU. HE IS THE FINEST MAN OUT THERE. HE HANGS OUT WITH HIS BEST FRIEND IN THE WOODS. HE HAS BEEN TRUE TO HIS SWEETHEART SINCE CHILDHOOD. he thinks he’s not good enough for her, but in a chivalrous way instead of pathetic. steals from the rich and gives to the poor. great with kids. they don’t make men like this anymore, and with that I mean men of integrity. “MARIAN MY DARLING I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.” (CRIES)(THROUGH TEARS) LOVE IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY YOU WERE JUST A CHILD AT PLAY

[alaydabug2]

@sparklenarniawizard

Broken heart/Broken mind

Chapter eight

(Human AU)

Sophie and Keefe met in the children's hospital when they were little. Because of how long they were confined to the four walls of the hospital, they became very close during their stay.

As the years pass, they wind up being in the same classroom together due to their physical conditions. This makes their bond deepen.

But are they able to handle when life gets tough, throwing problems and complications their way?

Fourth grade:

"I'll race you!" Keefe shouted and raced off to the swingset.

"No fair!" Sophie told him.

They had gone to the park for the afternoon together. It was packed with people. Keefe's parents had just dropped him off at Sophie's house and left to who knew where. They did that a lot. Not that either of the kids cared. They liked spending time with one another.

Although, Grady and Edaline always had a concerned look on their face every time Keefe would get dropped off. They'd give each other a look, then try to find something fun for them to do.

As Sophie was running, she realized she was heading straight for a little girl. Her eyes widened, but it was too late to turn around. She attempted to slow her speed, but she knew it was useless.

She slammed into the girl, and they went tumbling. Sophie sat up and dusted herself off.

She helped the girl up. She had brunette hair and near teal eyes. Sophie didn't even know it was possible for them to be that color.

"Sorry," Sophie scratched the back of her neck. "I wasn't watching where I was going."

"You're ok." The girl smiled at her.

It wasn't until then that Sophie realized something different about the girl. She could notice peaking out of her jacket, that there were faint, but definitely noticeable, white lines on her arms. The lines also seemed to go up her neck. One of them even curled up to her face and in front of her ear. They were scars.

She was about to ask about how she got them, but was unsure whether or not she would be uncomfortable.

She decided to keep her mouth shut, instead introducing herself. "Hi, I'm Sophie."

"I'm Biana!" She glanced back at a group of boys on one of the jungle gyms. She rolled her eyes. "I keep trying to get my brother's attention, but he keeps ignoring me. Do you want to play?"

"Sure! We can go over to the swings with my friend." They started to walk over.

"Who's your friend?"

"Keefe."

"What about me?" Keefe asked as Sophie and Biana walked up to the swings.

"I ran into her--"

"Litterly," Biana giggled.

Sophie laughed at that. "And I was saying that the three of us could play together."

"Ok, great!" He hopped onto one of the swings, and the girls followed.

They talked for a little while before Biana asked, "What grade are you guys in?"

"Fourth," Keefe told her.

"Me too. What school?"

"Foxfire elementary."

Biana seemed to be confused by that. "But... I've never seen either of you around."

"Ohhh, we're in a different class!" Sophie explained."

"I get that. But I still would expect to see you in music or art or something."

"No, I mean we're in a different type of class. We both have health issues, and we're in a special class with other people with medical problems in case something goes wrong. It's so the teacher has a better eye on us if something ever happens. There's only, like, ten people in our class. We're on a different schedule than everyone else."

"Oh, ok. That makes more sense."

They continued back with their other conversations until Keefe asked Biana, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but what are those lines on your arms and neck."

"Oh, these?" She took her jacket off to reveal that the lines went further up her arms and shoulders. "I was in a car crash last year. The windshield busted and I got caught in the glass shower."

Sophie and Keefe's eyes widened. "That's awful!" Keefe said.

She just shrugged with a smile. "I fine now. I like them. Shows I survived it." She looked down at her arm and traced one of the lines.

"Oh..." Keefe murmured. His eyebrows scrunched together.

"What?" Biana asked. She looked uneasy.

"Nothing, just," he reached up to his chest, "I've got a scar, too."

She grinned, "That's cool!"

He shrugged. "Not really."

Sophie frowned at him. "For the last time, yes, it is!"

"What's it from?" Biana tilted her head.

He didn't make eye contact as he pulled the collar of his shirt down to reveal the top of the scar. "Surgery."

"That's cool!" Her face lit up. "I should introduce you two to my friends! I don't know when your recess is, but if it's the same, I'll have you guys meet. You could start hanging out with us."

"That'd be great!" Sophie exclaimed.

The rest of the time at the playground, they spent the time discussing different things about their hobbies and lives. An hour later, Biana had to go. She said her goodbyes and left to the gate with who had to be her brother. They had the same striking teal eyes and dark hair. Sophie could hear her brother asking a bunch of questions about who she was talking to as they walked to the parking lot.

[the-whispers-of-death]

sitting by your blog waiting for food

Sorry, been feeling drained lately. But let me give you all a little something, even if I'm unsure you'd consider it food or not.

Stone was making his chai in the recreational room, in the small kitchenette there. He was stirring spices, milk, and tea together to incorporate it all.

It was quiet and peaceful. Too peaceful.

One second Stone was stirring his chai, the next second Ladder had jumped on his back. "Shit," he growled out, letting go of the spoon he was using to stir the chai. His hands went behind him to grip her shorter legs that could barely wrap around his broad waist. "Are you trying to hurt yourself, Ladder?"

Ladder, ever the one to be an annoyance when it came to Stone, smirked up at him. "Aw, come on, Stone. You know I can't resist jumping on your back, you are a foot taller than me. You're like a human jungle gym for me," she said, chuckling. "Besides, someone has to make sure the 141 knows they can mess with you and not get chewed out for it."

Stone grumbled something beneath his breath, an inaudible statement. He then let go of Ladder's legs, simply picking up the spoon and stirring the chai again. He was too used to her antics and he knew her thighs were strong enough to hold her as she continued to be on his back.

Minutes passed by and Soap entered the recreational room, having smelt the spices from the chai. He had been expecting only Stone to be there, but this... this was a better sight.

"Oh, I'm totally taking a picture of this!" Soap said, pulling out his phone.

"Don't you dare," Stone said, growling as he turned to look at Soap.

But it was too late, Soap had already taken the picture and was sending it to the rest of the 141.

"The lads are going to love this," Soap murmured, laughing as he walked away.

Stone sighed and looked behind him at Ladder. "When are you going back to the U.S. Navy?"

Ladder grinned at him. "I'm staying for a while, Stone. Captain Price and Special Agent Laswell think I can benefit the 141 some more by staying," she explained to him, resting her head against his back since she couldn't reach his shoulder.

"Great. Just great."

[glitched-username]

Hear me out: rottmnt but they are the actual sizes of the animals

Mikey is 5 inches for box turtles

Donnie is 9 inches for softshells

Leo is 1 ft

Raph is 30 inches (2.5 ft)

Splinter is 10 inches

And April is... there for comparison lol

Read more for my random assembly of thoughts and ideas

Just thinking about how Mikey views Leo and Raph's as giants, being over double his height and Raph being 6x bigger. But Raph and Leo are still tiny compared to humans like April.

And Mikey just loves treating his family like a jungle gym. He's gotten so good at it that no one even flinches when he jumps off an impossibly high distance cause they know he'll catch himself no problem, and if he can't then

Also using this concept to further transmasc-ify Leo cause female red eared sliders are larger than the male counterparts. Just imagining Donnie accidentally outing Leo out of a closet he didn't even know he was in cause

"No, you're the correct turtle species and there's nothing wrong with your mutation, female sliders are just bigger"

"...Donnie, I'm a guy"

"Yeah"

"..."

"..."

Donnie specifically checked why Leo was so tall because he was pissed at the slider gloating about the growth spurt when he became a teen and just straight up diagnosed him with Transgender (tm) like it was the most casual it of info to drop

Donnie is peak borrower energy. But like if a borrower decided to take it to a competitive level. How does he get such crazy tech despite being the size of a hairbrush? By massacring lost or currently devices for their parts. So, thrown out radios? Yep! But also, a store display TV that is currently airing commercials? Also free game for the softshell. He's had the most exposure to humans because of this and is definitely the least freaked out when they first meet April cause he at least knows what to expect (ie: they're more scared of us than we are of them sort of thing).

He's also the most feeal and territorial about his stuff because "do you KNOW how hard it is to lug all these parts into the lair??? If any of you touch you will die"

Also L to Splinter. Going from Lou Jitsu Action Star, to kidnapped and forced to fight in the battle nexus and then turned into a sewer rat and now you have to deal with 4 sons, one literally big enough to bite his head off even as a baby/toddler. He definitely had to start relying on Raph more as they grew up

And Raph

Oh Raph.

He already had a hard time learning his own strength in the original, where they were all roughly similar sizes. But now? He has to really practice being gentle. And he's gotten DAMN good at it. So good that even though it looks like he's being completely reckless and throwing his weight around his tiny brothers, he knows exactly how much pressure each brother of wildly different sizes and durability can take.

Bro is constantly doing mental math that would make Donnie impressed.

He has no idea how to handle meeting April. Like, all he's known is how to be gentle around people cause they're smaller and more fragile and suddenly, here's a human, over double his height... but she's still physically weaker??? Or at least not as durable. She doesn't have a shell or tough scales and wasn't specifically mutated for war so doesn't have any durability/strength/regeneration genes.

When they first meet, I imagine the other boys are less freaked out cause they're used to everyone being taller than them but Raph goes FULL protective mode. Pulling out all the stops because he thinks it's going to be a tough fight, that the human would easily stomp him if he doesn't go all out.

But when he sees she isn't fighting back and is hurt pretty bad from his bites (1000 psi ain't a joke, she's lucky she still has all her limbs after that) he instantly goes from "evil giant monster must attack" to "mother hen" and gets extremely apologetic.

Not an... amazing first meetup but April jokes about it now, Raph even gives her little play bites when they're messing around or just absentmindedly gnawing on it while watching a movie(though much more gentle). And while Raph COULD give little playful bites to his little brothers, he has to be VERY aware and VERY careful while doing so, but with April he can be a bit looser with how gentle he is

I imagine once he gets his powers he's finally so happy that he can give April an actual hug for once lol

And I don't think Draxum reaaalllyyy anticipated the turtles not growing to a more human height. In his defense this was basically the first time he used live human DNA during the mutation process. How was he supposed to know that the animal's height would take priority over the human's height?

Draxum saw splinter shrink down into a rat during his escape but just assumed they were all so small that they couldn't have survived the collapse. Oh well, he'll make sure to fix that flaw when he finally gets his lab back up and running.

...

...

Also Mikey is still the strongest

[cringefaecompilation]

you guys are so dang safe with callowmoore human/modern aus. not EVEN in a "he/she/they would not fucking say that" sense just in a "ok this is good but you can do better".

orym gets back from his 3 hour gym session and texts fearne "Hey, after I take a shower, you wanna go get tacos?" and she responds five seconds later with "OH NO... SORRY ORYM... 😔😔😔 I'M W ASHTON RN... 💎💎💎HE'S MAKING US JUNGLE JUICE!!! 🤩🤩🤩🥤🥤😋😋😋" and orym is approximately 60% finished with his multiple paragraph long perfect syntax and grammar singular text about how good a partner ashton is only to be hammered with a 10 second video of fearne holding a dixie cup that's being eaten through with clear alcohol that she shoplifted from a party store and ashton is fucking hollering at someone offscreen as laudna and letters slosh around a trash can full of aforementioned clear alcohol.

orym spends the next 45 minutes in the shower like this.

and then he gets out of the shower and laudna's texted him (laudna doesn't have a phone herself, she borrows one from all her friends when she needs it) about how they have to go to the ER to get fearne's stomach pumped for the third time this month.

[chosen-hero-inari]

Whumptober Day 31: "I'm Alive, I'm Just Not Well"

A/N: i stayed up listening to EPIC the vengeance saga and I REGRET NOTHING

Pray

The air around the shrine is chilly, and Hamuko pulls her scarf tighter.

It’ll be the Dark Hour soon, and she… doesn’t know what to do about it.

Ikutski betrayed them, Mitsuru-senpai lost her father, and they’re no closer to figuring out how to destroy the Dark Hour and the threat of Shadows once and for all than they were when she first arrived at the dorm.

Instead of worrying about that, Hamuko does what she does best: find another problem to solve.

Shinjiro had mentioned some kids hanging around the back alleys alongside Strega, and now that Strega was gone, Hamuko could at least help them.

She’d spent the last few days asking around after school, and is fairly certain she’s tracked them down here.

Hamuko checks her phone. A few seconds to midnight.

She closes her eyes, and when she opens them the world is blanketed in green. 

“Did you really come alone?” 

Hamuko spins around, her hand going to her Evoker on instinct, but it’s just three kids.

The boy who spoke has brown hair, and looks to be around Ken’s age. Next to him is thinner boy with blue hair.

Finally, there’s a girl with orange hair and a laptop looking down on her from atop the jungle gym.

“Hi,” Hamuko says. “I’m–

“We know who you are.” The girl says. “Hamuko Arisato, Gekkoughan high school calls 2-F, top of your class, member of the volleyball team, the library club, student council, and of course the Specialized Extracurricular Execution Squad.”

“How did you know that?” Hamuko asks.

“Getting your transcript was way too easy,” the girl replies.

Her transcript. The one that mentions her parents.

“Well, it’s only fair I know your names, since you know mine, right?”

The three kids share a look, then the brown haired one shrugs. “Goro Akechi.”

“I’m Yusuke Kitagawa,” the thin boy says.

“Futaba Ishikki,” the girl says.

“It’s nice to meet all of you,” Hamuko says. “I want to help you, I can take you to see Chidori.”

Kitagwa-kun steps forward, but Akechi-kun puts out a hand.

“You don’t understand what’s going on here,” Akechi-kun says. “We’re making the demands. Let Chidori go, and stop trying to destroy the Dark Hour.”

“We won’t do that,” Hamuko says. “Not while Shadows are still a threat to humanity–”

“Humans are worse than any Shadow out there,” Kitagawa-kun snaps. “Just give us back Ms. Chidori!”

Hamuko represses a groan at the thought of Takaya saying pretty much the same thing. “Ok, yes people will still die and suffer without Shadows. But it will be fewer people, because we can’t just get rid of the things that make people hurt other people.”

“Says you,” Ishikki-kun says. “The Lost aren’t hurting anyone.”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“Then it seems we’re at an impasse,” Akechi-kun says. “We can't agree, so I guess we’ll have to talk to your friends and see what they think.”

“Yes!” Hamuko says. “Come back with me to the dorm, and we’ll talk to my friends!”

“You really don’t think much of us, do you?” Akechi-kun says. “Just because Takaya thinks you’re special doesn’t mean you can brush us off.”

“I really don’t care that Takaya thinks I’m special,” Hamuko says. “In fact, I kind of hate it.”

“Hey! Don’t talk about him like that! Takaya’s strong! And we’re just as strong as he is!” Hamuko just catches the glint of an Evoker as Akechi-kun pulls it out and points it to his head. “Minos!”

Hamuko dodges Akechi-kun’s Persona, and pulls out her own Evoker. 

“Thanatos!” she cries out, absorbing the next Dark attack. “Kids, I really don’t want to fight you.”

“Too bad,” Akechi-kun says. He nods up at Ishikki.

“You can’t hide anything from Despoena,” the girl smirks, summoning her own Persona. It’s clear instantly that Hamuko’s being scanned.

Hamuko casts Tempest Slash towards Akechi-kun, but Kitagawa-kun gets in the way. 

“Our turn!” Ishikki giggles.

“Tantalus,” Kitagawa-kun says, and suddenly there’s a chill in the night air. Then Kitagwa-kun’s Persona strikes her. It doesn’t hurt thanks to Thanatos, but suddenly Hamuko’s rocked by another kind of pain.

She’s unbearably hungry.

“Guess you really aren’t that special,” Akechi-kun says, and then his Persona changes. “Ikelos. Hamaon.”

Oh it is going to be a long night.

[starry-blue-echoes]

okay so I went on a walk and my brain started rotating the Merstars AU SO hard so I'm just going to yeet a bunch of random bullet point thoughts that I came up with and see what comes out of it-

the "world" the AU takes place isn't really like "real" life and is instead a super huge archipelago with hundreds of thousands of islands of varying sizes and kinds

Mers and other various Sea Magics are pretty well known as A Thing That Exists. Is it accepted? Depends on the location and the people, and Mer Hunters are unfortunately a pretty common thing, but it's slowly started dying out. This is actually thanks to Speedwagon since after Jonathan's death he started trying to use his influence as a Very Important Wealthy Merchant to change public opinion, and it's actually been working

Jonathan was a pretty well loved and very social member of the mers. He wasn't their leader by any means, but almost every mer in the archipelago knew about him, and his murder pissed a LOT of people off. Luckily thanks to Speedwagon, since then relations have gone from "it's on fucking sight" to "don't approach me and I won't approach you"

Morioh is one of the more isolated islands and a bit of an exception to the above thing, being the most accepting island in the whole archipelago. Honestly, at this point like half the town has at least a little mer blood in them, but they are primarily human passing. There are a couple of full blooded or half blooded mers that hang around, but Josuke was one of the first ones born in the town in a long while

currently debating how exactly the Morioh Trio are gonna be, since I want them to be a "full blood, half blood, human" trio for the funnsies, but other than Josuke I don't know which should be which. My current thought process is 1) Okuyasu is the full blooded and when he was younger he had a run in with Hunters which is where his scars came from since his dad more or less just fucked off and left him at their mercy at which Keicho had to save him which led to the two of the moving to Morioh, Koichi is the human and is Their Little Guy, is super familiar with how to work around mers and climbs them like a god damn jungle gyms, or 2) Koichi is the full blood and a really small mer but still Big for humans, he's a cuttlefish, got separated from his family when he was little which led to him being adopted by the Human Hiroses and Okuyasu is human and the resident Normie Guy, he's recently moved to Morioh and is getting used to how Positive human mer relations are here

still trying to figure out how the Stand Arrows work, since Stands..... aren't really a thing now. Probably some kind of super powerful Sea Magic thing going on, maybe turn partial mers/humans into full blooded ones?

the "Italy" of this world is a collection of islands that are under Passione's control, aka a group of pirates that have a literal fleet. Diavolo and Doppio are brothers, with Diavolo being a half-mer (maybe lion fish? I'm still deciding tho) and Doppio being a full human. Doppio is the face of the operation, but his brother is always lurking in the depths below the ship and even makes a couple appearances as the True Boss in human form. Trish is by extension 1/4 mer and they want to kill her so the truth about Diavolo won't get out

Passione, despite all the shitty stuff they do, is actually a surprising area of Human Mer teamwork. There are a lot of hybrids and even full blooded mers to the point they're almost the majority. For the most part people don't care what you are as long as you get your job done, and honestly if what they did wasn't drug trade and trafficking, they'd be pretty cool

the Bucci Gang don't have a whole lot of mer blood, and any they do have is pretty distant to the point they're almost human save for a couple little features (they also don't get full transformations), with the exceptions being Trish and Giorno. Trish I've explained, but Giorno is...... Really Really Weird with what he is. His birth mom was a mer, but Dio had mostly been using her to try and lure other mers so by the time Giorno was actually born she was killed. Giorno was then taken in by the Shiobana's, which obviously sucked ass, but he was able to pass as a human for a shocking amount of time because Sea Vampire Genes fucked with his aging, so he also looks a lot smaller than he should be. He's also been forced to stay in his "human" form for much longer than is strictly healthy which ALSO fucked with his size and health

Giorno is gonna be a giant sea snake, because I think it'll be funny because That's The Traditional Sea MonsterTM. Maybe during the final fight with Diavolo he gets shot with the arrow and falls off the ship all dramatic and everyone thinks he died but SIKE he suddenly grows to full Absolutely Fucking ENORMOUS Size And Kicks Ass

Jolyne is a siphonophore, I don't make the rules, she's Really Fucking Long

[toomuchracket]

ross being climbed on by the baby like a human jungle gym

yes! eilidh is the sweetest baby of all time but she's a wriggler and a fidget and will not sit still unless bluey is on tv or you're reading her a book or she's in the vicinity of any musical instrument whatsoever - she'll sit and watch her dad play bass or the others play their instruments with total fascination, and ross finds it adorable because he thinks she looks exactly like you while she does it :') anyway maybe you've brought her into the studio one day because you need to discuss some stage design stuff with the boys before an upcoming gig, and you just put eilidh down when you enter the room and she toddles over to ross immediately. and you go off to do your job and speak to matty, while ross abandons the bass and just sits on the floor with eilidh playing peekaboo. and then maybe she goes for a little wander around (adam follows and watches her like a hawk to make sure she doesn't hurt herself) while ross and george start chatting about technical stuff for the new song before ross has to record his part that afternoon. but they don't get very far in the discussion, because eilidh comes back over and starts trying to climb up ross' arm onto his shoulder and he's like "bean i'm not a climbing frame i'm your father". eilidh is just giggling her head off and so he's like "ok well if you insist" and picks her up off him, then puts her on his knees and lets her slide down them, and she clambers onto his stomach and onto his knees to do it again and again - in fact, she's still repeating it when you and matty come back in 20 minutes later, and only stops when she sees her godfather and runs over so he can pick her up. you're like "guys not that that wasn't adorable, but i thought you were going to have started recording the bassline for the track by now?" and george is like "yeah, we were gonna, but everytime adam or i tried to lift her off ross' knee she started crying". and matty just holds eilidh in front of his face and goes "you're your mother's daughter through and through, aren't you, darlin'?", which warrants a laugh from ross and a smack on the back of the head from you lol <3

[barry-j-blupjeans]

@taznovembercelebration - Cat / Baby

It was late when Taako came home. Much, much later than it usually would be. Unfortunately, part of teaching meant dealing with parents. And with parents came the "but my perfect angel child can't do anything wrong ever!". And with that came the mountains of video evidence that their perfect angel child did, in fact, set fire to the cafeteria and reanimate the frogs that another class was set to dissect. Y'know, normal magic school things.

So yes, it was much later than normal. What he wanted was to reheat his spaghetti left over from last night and then lay face first into bed for the next ten hundred years. He wanted to pile cats on top of him until he couldn't do anything else except sit there and feel the vibrations of their purring. He wanted Kravitz to just like, hold his head, because he forgot to get a new ice pack and a headache had been slowly building all day.

What he got instead were his cats surrounding him upon entrance into the house, meowing desperately. Not too unusual within itself, because they were all attention whores and would do next to anything to get their desired amount of affection. What was unusual was that Angus Jr Jr (named after Angus Jr, who decided that human Angus was a much better dad than Taako and Kravitz were, the little traitor) practically climbed up him like a living jungle gym, wailing, fur on end.

"Hey," Taako said. Angus Jr. Jr. gave a louder, more distressed wail. "Hey. Listen. Is this how we talk to people we love, Angus Jr. Jr.?"

Angus Jr. Jr. flicked his tail directly into Taako's face. The door to the kitchen was open and Taako could see Kravitz's shadow from where he was standing. Maybe Lup's too? And if there was a Lup, there was a Barry. Maybe Angus Jr. Jr. was having an understandable reaction to unwanted social interaction. Taako also wanted to climb up someone and cry until they did something about it.

He took one step toward the kitchen and Angus Jr. Jr. squirmed, demanding to be set down. Taako complied and he skittered off to the rest of the cats, who were hanging around the front door like they were trying to trade catnip without Taako noticing. As he approached the kitchen, he could definitely make out Lup talking. And when he opened the door...

Well. Okay.

Lup was definitely here. Kravitz, too. Very important to include Kravitz. However. Instead of doing a normal afterward hang out, as they were wont to do, Lup was holding an actual baby in her arms. A real-life, half-elf baby, who was currently chewing on her finger knuckles. The baby seemed to be... smoking. Literally smoking, with wisps of smoke rising off their skin and ash all over Taako's newly installed counters.

Lup paused midsentence. Kravitz turned to see him and gave him a sort of half-grimace half-smile.

"'Sup," Lup said.

"That's a baby," Taako said.

"Very astute observation," Lup said.

"That's like an actual baby," Taako said, shutting the kitchen door. The cats meowed from behind him, like closing his own kitchen door was a heinous crime against them.

"Sure is," Lup said.

"It's a long story," Kravitz sighed, sounding just as exhausted as Taako felt.

"It's not- like, I'm not taking care of a baby-"

"No, no, no," Kravitz said, at the same time Lup said,

"Uh, 'cuse me, I've already called dibs, thank you."

"No baby for you," Kravitz said, pointing towards Taako. He pointed to himself next. "No baby for me. No- no. No baby. Bad. No."

"Good to see we're still on the same page," Taako said. "Does, uh, does Barry know about your new pal, Lup, or is it a surprise?"

"Oh, Barry knows," Kravitz said, with a voice Taako knew from experience to be "I've hung around these two fuckers all day". "You do not want to get Barry started on baby stuff, he just won't stop-"

"He's gone to get formula," Lup said. "And diapers. And some fire-resistant clothes. And-"

"I got it," Taako said, understanding Kravitz so well right now. "And why, pray tell, are you doing this in my goddamn kitchen and not yours, which is not even fifty feet away from my house?"

"Baby-proof drawers," Lup said, nodding sagely.

"Cat-proof drawers," Kravitz corrected.

"Same difference," Lup said. "Listen, I'll be out of your hair in about, oh, two hours? Three hours? Depends."

"Great," Taako said, out of fucks to give. Sure. A baby. Great. Good idea, sane idea. Can't be any worse than extinguishing the cafeteria and then walking directly in on a group of frogs chasing some of your teachers. Normal day, good day. He was having such a fun time being alive at this very moment. He wanted to be buried under several hundred pounds of bricks so no one could ever bother him again.

And his spaghetti wasn't in the fridge. Slowly, slowly, Taako turned back to Lup and her smoking child.

"Lup," he said. "The spaghetti?"

"Listen," Lup said again.

It was going to be a long fucking night.

[sicklyseraphnsuch]

One Small Step

Snow is slippery. But she spent half her life - no more than - around a guy that makes ice and snow. She can stay on her feet on snow, even if she was running at full tilt. So before Simon's sled could gain more momentum, more speed, more distance from her, she dashes forward and she doesn't fall and she grabs hem of Simon's coat.

She pulls, using all her weight to keep Simon here with her. The dogs do the rest, snatching the sled out of Simon's hold as they drag it away.

Marcy and Simon tumble onto the ground and Simon is full grown but he treats Marcy like she's made of glass. And Marcy is about the weight of a cat soaking wet, and she is feral and she is mad and she grew up in a world where her jungle gyms are ruined buildings. She wrestles Simon to the ground, knocking the Crown off, and pinning him down as she plays keep away.

"Marcy, no! Stop! I'm doing this for both of us!"

"No! You're a coward and you're doing this for yourself! I want you to stay here!"

With the Crown in her hands, she runs from Simon. Her goal is to keep it away from him for as long as she can. Maybe if she kept it away for enough time than Simon will see some sense. He will see that she's right and he's a donkhead and then they get to stay together forever.

"Gunther! Gunther, no! Bad Gunther! Bring me back my Crown!"

"My name is Marcy!" She yells back as she dives into the rubble that she called her playground.

Without his powers, Simon is slower than her. He climbs well enough but the broken buildings - with pipes sticking out, walls dented in, and debris everywhere - all that takes time to navigate. But not for Marcy - she's an expert. She knows with barely a glance where to jump, where to find the next handhold. In her industrial park, she knows her way over. She's really good at park-over (or parkour when Simon says it funny).

This goes on for hours as Marcy plays keep away as best she can. But she stops hearing Simon behind her. And she grows worried. He could have fallen. He's not nearly as fast as she is. He could have hurt himself. Without the Crown, Simon is so much weaker. She circles back to where they started, hoping to at least catch a glimpse of him.

She sees no one.

Then, before she can react, there's a crunch of snow and a hand falls on her shoulder, yanking her back. Another hand - familiarly blue - immediately reaches for the Crown.

"NO! STOP!"

"Hey, buddy! Get your hands off my girl!"

A second voice shouts. Both Marcy and Simon freeze. Marcy hears wind whipping hard as if somethin was flying through. Then she sees a dark blur appear out the corner of her eye.

"Karate kick!"

Simon gets knocked back. Both his hands are empty. Marcy still has the Crown.

"And stay there!"

Marcy looks up at the stranger that came out of the Nightosphere nowhere. Something about his face - the pointed tips of his ears, the slitted eyes, the fanged mouth - something seems so familiar about him. But... how?

With a crack of his neck, the stranger looks down at her. "Long time no see, Marceline! How have you been? Let's go suck some souls!" He cracks his head again, finding the fallen form of Simon. "Hey, why not start with this guy?"

The stranger Dad takes a step forward.

"Noooo!" Marcy flings herself away from Dad him, and plants herself in front of Simon. "Don't touch him! Stay away from Dad him, Dad!"

Wait. What. Did she just call this weirdo -

The stranger - her Dad? stops moving. He stares at her as the twisted attempt at a smile forms on his mouth. "Aww! You remember me! You know, Elise wasn't so sure that you would because human babies, except you aren't completely human - only half. But you remember! That's my girl!"

Marcy blinks. She's who's girl? This guy's? Is Simon okay? Who's Elise? She's not human???

In the span of maybe fifteen seconds, her already weird life just got weirder.

[catgrassplantdad]

Jessie 🖤🖤🖤 how are you darling? Do you have any Gallavich headcanons on your mind?

Hey there! I do indeed!

I'm having one of those days where I'm just thinking about dad Ian being a human jungle gym. I've posted about this before but it's important to know that I think about human jungle gym dad Ian all the time. The climbing is something he actively encourages. Just like, the scaling of his body by a very small child is something that is a normal occurrence to him, he's standing there and his daughter starts trying to jump on and he's like yes omg hello! See how high you can get! And their daughter is sooo tiny and she's like ugh but you have to help me, give me your hands! And he's like, nope. And he makes it a game, just standing there, and she's like grabbing at his belt loops and trying to shimmy up his legs but she's like three so it just doesn't happen, and she's laughing and he finally gives in and scoops her up and swings her over his shoulder and he's like is this what you wanted? And she's giggling and losing it and MICKEY'S LOSING IT sitting there watching like 🥹 oh my godddd. Oh my god.

[emeritus-fuckers]

Howdy hey I'm interested in trying the match-up event. I always enjoy reading the things y'all've written.

Apologies in advance if this is a mess. 1. Identity: I am nonbinary, use they/them and she/her pronouns. I'm bisexual and a bit on the demisexual side.

2. Who I like: I'm cool with either the papas or ghouls

3. What I look like: I'm 5'8" and chubby. I'm pretty strong and got some muscle so I'm built perfect for giving big hugs and cuddles (though it'll take a bit of convincing to get me cuddly). At the moment my hair is dyed bright red but it changes colors often. Both my eyes have sectoral heterochromia and are green with a bright blue chunk. I usually wear all black graphic tees, skinny jeans, boots, and fun colored socks that often show because i never find pants that are long enough in my size lol.

4. My personality: I am introverted but enjoy being around others even if it wears me out. I'm good with kids (I'm a human jungle gym at this point) and people tend to tell me their secrets and find it easy to be open/themselves around me. I'd say i'm pretty smart but I will do stupid things just because i'm curious. Folks i'm comfortable around will never hear the end of my current interests and I'm a complete goofball (I've been banned from being funny at the table because i've caused too many people to choke laughing oops). It takes a while to actually get to know me deeply because I keep things close to my chest and dont open up easily. I've got a lot of anxiety and some baggage that I keep hidden but I'm working on I swear. I can get really competitive over trivial things and can turn anything into a game. I sometimes go MIA when im distracted with whatever the hell i'm into at that time but when I reappear there's always something new to share. (I can tell you everything you never wanted to know about pipe organs!)

5. Interests: I've got the adhd so my interests bounce around a lot. I like making things and I mess around with a lot with different crafts. I do a lot of fiber arts stuff and I've also recently been whittling bears (I have a few around somewhere). I love music both listening and playing it. I play 8 instruments (violin, viola, cello, mandolin, ukulele, trumpet, trombone, and french horn) but I'm best with the violin because i've been playing it for around 17 years. I'm also teaching myself accordion and guitar. I play video games sometimes and I especially enjoy getting 100% completion. In general I love learning anything and everything and am a "jack of many trades but master of none"

6.Trivia: My favorite movie is fantasia 2000 and recently I completed my goal of performing every music piece in an orchestra (The Pines of Rome and the Firebird Suite are my favs). I collect knickknacks and random things I find and use them to decorate my spaces and I have a skeleton with a mustache in a wizard costume in the back seat of my car and its name is Todd. I also keep googly eyes in my bag just in case

This post is part of the 1000 followers match up event. Entries for the event are now closed.

Your match is...Swiss

You and Swiss quickly became friends, he's so excited by things and so enthusiastic that you got swept up in it all. He's charming and really sweet to you, so you started to fall for him. One day you were sitting outside, Swiss taking a large drag of his vape before he looks at you and grins. "I love ya, you know that right gorgeous one?" You blush and blurt out that you feel the same way. Swiss responds by biting your shoulder just under the collar of your t-shirt. "There now it's offical" he says so excited he's practically jumping up and down "you're my mate!"

Swiss adores your eyes, he thinks they are the most awesome thing ever, and so beautiful. He tells you this a lot.

Swiss adores how much of a goofball you are, he is too, and you spend a lot of time together both laughing so hard you end up tearing up.

If your anxeity is getting bad he will cuddle and do anythig he can to help. If things get too much and you seem sad he'll hold you. He will cuddle you as long as you need. Then he'll try and take your mind off things, anything to get you to laugh a little and smile. Swiss is chaos personified but one thing is constant for him, he loves you and is devoted to you.

Swiss can keep up with your changing interestests. Infact he loves it! This Ghoul enjoys chaos and jumping around from thing to thing, that keeps him occupied. Whatever you get into he'll throw himself into it completely with you.

He is fascinated by all the things you collect. He loves how varied they are and the skeleton with a moutache is his favourite. He was very excited when you whittled him a bear. You handed it to him and he just looked at it like 'woow this is awesome'. he keeps it in his room, pride of place.

He's more than happy to help you learn guitar, he gets so excited his tail starts swishing around. He passes you his guitar and sits behind you legs either side of you showing you a cord and then letting you practice. He'll kiss your neck or softly bite your shoulder every now and then. He'll rest his chin on your shoulder and watches. He smiles at how fast you are learning, his smile is gorgeous enough to make your heart melt for him, to forget completely what you were playing and you just smile back. Often this leads to you getting so distracted the guitar gets forgotten as he presses his lips to yours.

~

Written by Nyx

[prospectivehero]

I had a weird recollection when reading this. I was born with a genetic disability, hereditary spastic paraplegic cerebral palsy. Walking was always hard for me and I could forget about running or jumping. There were times when I had braces/orthotics and walked with at least one forearm crutch.

When I was in grade school, I had a group of "friends" (classmates who I wouldn't consider my best friends, but I liked because they weren't actively or passively bullying me) that I would "play" with. I liked playing pretend and at that age, I loved pretending to be a superspy. When I got enough people who wanted to play with me, I was "the guy in the chair." While the others would run to another part of the playground and pretend to do "spy things", I would sit on a low piece of a jungle gym and pretend the bars I was staring at were a supercomputer, and I relayed information to them. I thought that was fair. I couldn't run or climb things like my classmates could and I didn't want to burden their fun. It is entirely possible that they left me to my active and vibrant imagination and instead did whatever cool, able-bodied 4th graders did during recess.

Though I don't think I ever wanted to admit it, characters like Oracle or Professor X haunted me. Growing up with a disability, l constantly feared losing function or autonomy. My disability is degenerative which means that it will become harder to manage as my body ages. It feels as if I'm fighting a losing battle on a daily basis. But even before I knew that, I thought losing my ability to walk and move for myself was inevitable. And I was certain that was the worst thing that could happen to me.

I am now a semi-wheelchair-dependent adult with a degree, job, and hobbies. I have witnessed my body do exactly what I feared, but through those experiences of pain and recuperation, I've developed a better relationship with my disability and my chair. Though I never discounted characters like Oracle or Professor X, I have a newfound respect for them and other wheelchair-dependent characters. Barbara Gordon in her journey from Batgirl to Oracle, resonates with me more than I ever thought she would. But disability isn't about tools and level of mobility. As I said before, I went through several phases of mobility and walking aids throughout my life, and none of those phases made me more or less disabled than any other phase. Disability is a spectrum. Physical disability is a spectrum. Victor Stone and Bucky Barnes are not less disabled than Barbara Gordon or Professor Charles Xavior. And all of these characters are equally relatable to me and other disabled people because we have all experienced different parts of each of their stories.

And let's not ignore the unintentional disabled metaphor of the superhero genre as a whole. Many of these characters' powers are forced onto them by mutation, lab accident, or some other uncontrollable circumstance. Barbara Gordon didn't choose to be paralyzed, and Kurt Wagner didn't choose to become a mutant. Both characters are powerful because they have to ask, "What's next?" They need to advocate for themselves and battle for their autonomy in a world that doesn't value their humanity. That's what @fandomshatepeoplewdisabilities friend doesn't understand. All of this is disabled representation!

Disabled Representation Has Come Farther Than You Think

You’ve Just Been Conditioned Not to See It.

I recently got into a huge fight with an abled friend about disabled representation, in which he was completely convinced that the stance he held was that of an ally. He’s a long time friend of mine and I know he really did think he was fighting for us and coming from a place of trying to help us.

And it really got me thinking about the way abled people perceive disabled people. And how that message is internalised and reinforced in so many ways.

My friend was trying to say that characters like Cyborg, Misty knight, Daredevil, Toph, Edward Elric, Bucky, Nebula, etc were not good representation. And he at first refused to listen to me (an actual disabled person) when I was like; no, we like that. we love that. we LOVE seeing badass and competent and sexy disabled people. It’s validating and empowering.

His argument was that it didn’t really count because nobody saw them as disabled and that it would be the same thing as saying Gamora is black representation.

While I understand where he was coming from, both of us also being black, it was hard to get him to understand how it wasn’t the same thing.

Gamora is a black actress painted green to portray a green-skinned alien. She has black features, yes, but within the narrative she very much is not a black woman. She’s an alien.

But a disabled character is always still a disabled character. Regardless of how high tech or SciFi or magical or fantastical the world or universe is; an amputee with a prosthesis is still an amputee. They are still disabled. Yes, even if their prosthesis shoots lasers.

And other characters, like Toph and Daredevil, who are both blind, have superpowers/superhuman abilities that allow them to overcome their disability. That does not make them less disabled.

Their blindness still impacts their everyday lives. They can’t read. They can’t draw. They don’t know what things or people look like, or what color things are. They can’t read someone’s facial expressions during a conversation. They can’t follow a map without assistance.

When I asked my friend for examples of what he considered good disabled representation he said Professor X, Oracle, and the Thinker. And that made me pause and I won’t lie, it upset me. It felt degrading. I got kind of angry at him and it got a little heated.

Because what he was saying is: the smart one in the wheelchair that never actually joins the battle because their body is too frail? Those are the only good disabled characters? The ones who still need to be protected and treated tenderly and are physically weaker?

Do we only exist when you can view us as some subhuman lesser other that you can take pity on?

But it’s not only my friend who thinks this way.

I’ve seen quite a few arguments online about people who don’t think Edward Elric is disabled, despite being an amputee.

Who don’t think Cyborg is disabled, despite the fact that his entire power set is due to a life support and mobility aid device.

And my friend was shocked that I, and many other disabled people, find these depictions of strong and confident and capable disabled people empowering. He fully expected that I would find those depictions offensive.

And that’s when it really hit me.

The issue is not that characters like Bucky or Toph or Daredevil are bad representations of disabled characters.

The issue is that people don’t perceive them as disabled. They’ve internalized this belief that disabled people have to be weak and delicate and fragile and in some way physically inferior.

They’re only considered disabled if they’re tragic and/or weak. Or ugly. People love to project a tragic subhuman otherness onto disabled people who are ugly.

If they’re cool and badass that confuses them. That doesn’t fit with the narrative that’s been built in their heads.

The idea of a competent, confidant, and strong disabled character, especially a cool disabled character is just so completely foreign to them that they don’t even consider it.

Now I’m not saying that depictions of disabled characters like Oracle or professor X are bad or harmful. We need representation of disabled people who aren’t strong and don’t have superpowers and maybe don’t feel particularly empowered. That’s a genuine representation of many disabled people.

It just isn’t the only one.

I think the issue with disabled representation is not that it doesn’t exist (as I’ve seen many abled people online claim in our defense) but that we need to shift the way we think of disabled people so we stop overlooking a lot of the really cool and badass and awesome disabled characters we do already have.

So if you read this far through this essay, please stop for a moment and consider the preconceptions you have about disabled people.

Have you ever overlooked a disabled character because they were strong, powerful, charismatic, or, (God forbid!) SEXY?

And if so, I’d ask you to take some time to examine in yourself why you don’t think of disabled people as being able to be those things.

Mod Izzy