#i'm going to be weirdly intense about it for a bit don't mind me

[wabatle]

Blue Lock boys when you're on your period featuring: Reo, Rin, Bachira, Nagi can be read as either afab!reader or fem!reader warnings: everything that comes with having a period (obviously) like blood, pads/tampons, cramps, etc a/n: I'm on my period as I write this and it fucking sucks. lmk if you want a pt2 with more characters!

☆彡Reo Mikage

As soon as he figured out you got your period, he was all over you

Constantly asking if you were okay, if you needed anything, if you wanted to go home if you were out

Gets you the most high quality and expensive products 💀

Does so much research on what it is and how to take care of you

Genuinely will skip practice or important work (or other stuff he does) to stay with you

If you have bad cramps, he's insisting you stay home and in bed and he'll dedicate himself to taking care of you

Weirdly good at discrete spot checking. If you think you bled through your pants, he's got you.

He's especially careful to not hurt you because he knows you can get upset easily, and he might laugh a little bit if you're crying over something miniscule

You came out of the bathroom, a sickly expression on your face.

“Is it that time of the month?” Reo asked nervously.

“Yeah, that would explain why I felt so sick yesterday.” You mumbled.

“Here, come here,” he said, allowing you to crash into his arms, “I'll take care of you, baby.”

“Huuuh…” You mumbled into his shoulder.

“You okay, baby? Need any ibuprofen?”

“Yeah, probably…”

“Okay.” He kissed your head. “I'll go get some. I can also get your heating pad if you want it?”

“Yeah, thanks…”

“‘Course! I told you I would take care of you, babe. Now, go lay down. I'll be back in a sec.” He kissed your head.

☆彡Rin Itoshi

Also all over you, but in an indirect way

You're constantly on his mind, he's worried about you

As worried as he is about you, he would still choose to go to practice, but he'll stop somewhere on the way home to get you something, and he'll come home if you need him urgently

He buys you literally everything you need, pads, tampons, you name it, he'll go out and buy it

He doesn't change his behavior when you're on your period, but he does take notice to your intense reactions, like that time you starting sobbing hysterically after he told you practice was stressful and just wanted to go to bed (didn't have time for you)

He keeps a little “period emergency kit” with him at all times 🥺 he needs to make sure he can give you what you need just in case you're out in public and you need something

You and Rin were out to dinner and you had gotten your period the morning before.

“Ughh…” You mumbled, clutching your stomach.

“Cramps?” Rin asked quietly, as not to embarrass you.

“Yeah…”

“Here,” he said, pulling a heat pack out of the kit in his pocket, “go to the bathroom and put this on.”

“Rin…” You smiled, “Thanks, baby.” You took the pack and went to the bathroom.

When you got back, your food had already arrived.

“How is it? Do you feel better?” He asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“If you need anything else, let me know.” He added, leaning across the table to kiss your head.

☆彡Meguru Bachira

Another who's all over you… literally

He's really really worried when he sees you crying on the bed because of cramps, but he really doesn't know what a period is or what it does to you

Brings you tons and tons of snacks because he really doesn't know how to help you

If you don't stay over at his house, he's texting you all day. In the morning, before you go to bed, he's just making sure you're not dead!

Steals his mom's period supplies to give to you. It might not be the exact brands you like, but you appreciate the thought

Skips practice for you with the excuse that “it's that time of the month and you really need his help” but you're actually lying on the couch with a heating pad watching a movie

Bachira burst through the front door, carrying tons of snacks. “Hi baby!”

“Woah, you're home early. Welcome home!” You smiled from your spot on the couch.

“Thanks! I brought you tons of snacks!” He dropped the snacks on the table and plopped down on the couch, snuggling close to you. “I got out of practice thanks to your period!”

You giggled. “Don't thank it yet. I'll probably cry about it later.”

“Don't worry! I'll take care of you!” He said.

“Thank you, baby.” You kissed his cheek, making him giggle and kiss your lips back.

He got up and grabbed some snacks. “Let's watch a movie!”

“Ah, shouldn't we have dinner first?”

“Noo, you're on your period! I have to treat you well today!”

“And that means skipping dinner?”

“Do you want to skip dinner?”

“No, not really…”

“Then let's order takeout! What do you feel like having?”

☆彡Seishiro Nagi

Sooo tired, but he'll put up with you (he loves you so much)

He’ll hold you sooo tight while you're cuddling, and he'll keep playing his game

He tells you to relax in his arms and make sure you took your meds, and he'll want you to fall asleep while he plays his games

In his eyes, it just means he has to take care of you instead of the other way around, so he'll do the least he can do

Another one who would 100% use you as an excuse to get out of practice

Literally has a small bucket of pads, tampons, and other “period stuff” on a shelf so he can just grab it without getting up

If he notices you're more emotional as usual, he'll be like, “are you about to get your period?”

and then he'll mentally prepare himself for it

You had just dropped your water bottle, causing it to open and spill everywhere. You were crying.

“Don't worry about it, angel.” Nagi assured you, grabbing a paper towel to mop it up.

“I–I’m sorry… I–I didn't mean to…” You mustered through sniffles.

“Don't cry, baby.” He pulled you closer to him, resting your head on his chest. “I took care of it.”

You put your forehead on his chest, and he could feel your tears staining his shirt.

“Come on, angel. Let's go back to bed.”

“But it's 3:00 pm?”

“Doesn't matter. You need to take more meds anyway. It's been 6 hours.”

“Okay…”

He kissed your head. “Don't cry. It's a hassle.”

You playfully nudged him, already feeling better. “Well, you're my boyfriend, so you're obligated to take care of me.”

“Says who?” He asks, plopping down on the bed.

“Says me!” You giggled, plopping down next to him.”

He pulled you closer and pulled out his Switch.

[themultifanshipper]

Weed and sex... in a car. With 3 time Formula 1 World Champion Max Verstappen. What could possibly go wrong?

Warnings: use of drugs, smut, PinV sex, fingering, squirting, Christian Horner

Part 2 here.

Perhaps getting high before an event wasn't the best idea after all. Max had decided to celebrate your birthday with a joint (or two or three) before going to dinner with Christian, Gerri and a boatload of sponsors and higher ups.

Anyone with half a brain could have told you this could only end in disaster but when you and Max were together you were a couple of menaces.

That's why Max's press officer hated that you were always around at the races and usually his plus one at events. She had a hell of a time covering up the "incidents" and "behaviours unbecoming of a formula one world champion"... ha! Yeah right.

Between public indecency and and drunken shenanigans usually leading to property damage, it was a miracle the two of you had never been arrested to be honest.

Well except that one time after his first Monaco win but that's a story for another time.

Whatever, what else are rich people in their twenties supposed to do with their best friends in their free time anyway?

So there you were, in the passenger seat of Max's loaned company car, both high on expensive weed (or so Max said, the bloody cheapskate). The drive was pretty long and you got a rather intense case of the munchies about 20 minutes in so Max decided to stop for gas while you went into the gas station and bought snacks for the road. When you turned your head away from the cashier and saw max, your mouth went dry (and this time not from the weed).

See, this was in the middle of a heatwave (thanks climate change!) and max was wearing a suit. He decided that the best way to cool down was to unbutton his shirt and let his chest get some air. Unfortunately this, plus his sweaty dishevelled hair and the joint he still had in his mouth while he pumped gas, conjured up quite a few lewd images in your mind. You had never seen him look quite this debauched (again, except in Monaco but again, that's for another time). The sight was positively sinful. Or at least it seemed hot as fuck to you but you were high so who knows, either way his appearance was getting you hot and bothered, so you decided to take a picture to remember the moment.

The cashier had to clear her throat loudly to get your attention, and by the time you had payed and left Max had already got back in the car. When you climbed in you checked your reflection in the mirrors. Dilated pupils, check. Redness around the eyes, check. There was no way Christian wouldn't notice, and he definitely would not be happy.

Max's hand suddenly on your thigh brought you out of your thoughts as you looked at him, he looked just as fucked up as you felt.

"There's no way we can go to dinner like this right?" He was panting slightly and looked like he was fighting to stay alive.

"I don't think so, you wanna call Christian and cancel?"

"Nooo he's gonna kill me" He pouted as he took his hand off you to roll down the window to let some air in.

Weirdly you found that you missed its comforting presence on your thigh. And the image of it going higher suddenly entered your mind. That thought made you panic a bit, seeing as you had never had those kind of thoughts about Max. (Well, does it bear repeating? Monaco. Yeah).

Still panting, with his head out of the window like a dog, he groaned. "I don't think I can drive like this. Are you having a weird reaction to the weed?"

"Um... a bit, I guess. I'm hot and uh..." you trailed off and max looked at you

"And what?"

"No it's embarrassing"

"No tell me! What is it"

You looked at him for a moment, the two of you breathing harder than normal, both fighting something.

"Well..." you gulped "I guess I'm like, horny? But, I always get horny when I smoke, this is like... more intense? Different sensations I guess."

Max exhaled and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the headrest.

"Me too" he whispered in an oddly strained way. Then his eyes suddenly snapped open "Wait a minute! Are you telling me you've been horny every time we've gotten high together?!"

Shit.

"Uhhh, yeah?"

You noticed Max was squirming in his seat a little bit.

"Fuck, that's- why didn't you tell me?"

You stared at him. Was this really how the conversation was going to go?

" I- don't know I guess... I thought you wouldn't be interested?"

"Are you serious? I wouldn't be interested?! Even after MONACO?!"

"We're best friends Max, I don't wanna lose that. And we've never actually talked about Monaco so I assumed you wanted to forget it!"

"Forg- Forget it?! It's been three years and I haven't stopped thinking about it!"

"Oh"

"Yeah, oh!"

"Fuck"

"Only if you want to"

"What?"

He looked at you, eyes scanning your face, gaze dropping to your lips.

"We're both high and horny in a car right now, do you want to fuck me?"

You were taken aback slighly, Max was nothing if not straightforward, it was one of the things you loved about him.

"Max, I've wanted to fuck you since we were-"

Thats all he needed to hear before grabbing your hair and yanking your upper body towards him. Given both of your states it was more licking at each others mouths than actual kissing but this had been a long time coming you supposed and you were both too high to care.

You broke away and climbed between the seats into the backseat, winking at him as he gawked at your ass, barely covered by your pathetic excuse for a dress. "You joining me then, or leaving me to take care of myself?"

"Fuck no" He growled and crawled in after you. In hindsight it would have been easier and quicker to use the car doors, but he finally made it and it took you a while to find a position that wasn't too uncomfortable in the small space.

You ended up on his lap, back to his chest while he pulled down the straps of your dress and kissed your neck sofly. He squeezed your tits gently while whispering in your ear. "You know, since Monaco I've been dreaming of the day I would see you like this again. I was starting to think It never even happend. Like it was some kind of religious experience or something"

You giggled. What a sap. "If I had known that's how you felt I would have let you do this years ago. But could you get a move on please? I feel like I'm going to go insane if y-"

He cut you off by shoving his fingers in your mouth and pressing down on your tongue. You moaned at the intrusion and sucked on his fingers to get them nice and wet.

"Good girl"

Your eyes rolled back as you leaned back against him and he chuckled.

"See, I did learn some things in Monaco"

He spread your legs which were hooked over his and trailed his now wet fingers down over your chest and stomach, as his other hand slid your panties to the side. The moment he made contact with your clit you jolted slightly in his grasp. Being horny for so long must have made you extra sensitive. And wet. It didn't take Max long to slide two fingers into you with ease as he crooked them immediately and you whimpered. Every movement, every press of his fingers felt like heaven and you could already feel that you weren't going to last long.

Before you could say anything though, Max's phone started ringing from the floor. He picked it up, fingers still making you writhe on his lap and answered the call, the absolute madman.

Then he pressed the phone to your ear and whispered in the other "Go on then schatje, talk to Christian, I'm a bit busy right now"

"What the FUCK Max where the hell are you?! You were supposed to be here an hour ago! I'm going to kill you when you get here!"

You had to swallow down your moans in order to answer "Um hi Christian it's- it's me!" You squeaked out "Um we won't be making it unfortunately- Max- Max has indegestion and he's very ill and- aaah- he's- um he's-"

You were so close to the edge and Max showed no signs of stopping, you were becoming unintelligible under his skilled fingers.

"This is unacceptable behaviour! What the fuck have you done to him now?! It's always you causing proble-"

The rest of his sentence was drowned out as you came hard around Max's fingers (when did he slip a 3rd one in?!) and you moaned loudly before Max could slap a hand over your mouth.

As you came down the silence on the line was deafening.

"Wh-"

Max interjected "We got high Christian I can't drive!" and hung up. "He won't be calling again I reckon"

You couldn't help but giggle. "Oh my GOD Max we're gonna be in so much trouble! Christian is gonna kill me because I made you miss an important dinner and- oh my god he just heard me have an orgasm that is your BOSS- fucking hell Max what were-"

You hadn't noticed that during your rambling he had unbuckled his pants and taken his dick out, but as soon as he started rubbing the tip against your folds you stopped dead.

He chuckled "Fuck Christian, I wouldn't miss this for the world"

And with that he slid in to the hilt, punching a gasped moan out of you, and started pounding into you deep and fast, somehow reaching all the right spots immediately. The build up to this one felt different. It was faster and more intense, and you were speechless. You realised too late what was about about to happen as you started dripping onto his thighs. Then the flow got heavier and Max swore as his hips stuttered, his own orgasm taking him by surprise. He stopped, still inside you and you felt drained, literally.

You stayed like that for a minute, both of you catching your breaths as you came to the realisation... "Max, fuck! the car!"

"Fuck the car. I'll send the fee to Christian"

You huffed in disbelief. He was out of his mind. But for now it was just the two of you, in this now ruined car, drugs just starting to wear off, and that was enough for tonight, you needed to go home and sleep it off. You could worry about the consequences later.

"So... exactly how expensive was that weed?"

DISCLAIMER DO NOT SMOKE WHILE PUTTING GAS IN A CAR I AM SERIOUS THAT IS SUPER DANGEROUS

ALSO DO NOT SMOKE AND DRIVE

ALSO DO NOT ORGASM WHILE ON THE PHONE TO YOUR FRIENDS BOSS KIDS

[etirabys]

the relief of giving up on 81k's fancy instant pot I'm too stupid to use and buying a $26 rice cooker with one button rivals that of going for a cigarette after a grueling 3h CS exam in college

I was unnecessarily dramatic about this decision because I'd imbued my ability to use this instant pot with a moral dimension & my failure felt like a rout in the cosmic battle of good and evil. last week I said "I want a dumb rice cooker again", angrily, 15% of the way to tears

81k goes, "you can do what you want", looking confused by the intensity of my self hatred

I used to think "I hate this object but I will simply conquer it with my mind". but the whole lid needed to be disassembled for cleaning each time, the plastic bit you toggle to vent steam felt weirdly flimsy and gave me a sense of unease about the machine as a whole given the pressures, the button sequence to do something as simple as "cook rice" was unintuitive, and you know what? the buttons didn't fucking feel good to push!

they were barely protuberant plastic shells with no aural or tactile feedback when pushed. You don't know if you entered a sequence that's going to do anything until you successfully complete such a sequence, and then it deigns to beep at you I was going nuts trying to establish a bond with this thing

[ronearoundblindly]

Ro! I’ve been on a mint chocolate chip ice cream kick lately, and it makes me wish I could share a pint with a babe (that’s also probably very much the pre period hormones, but anywayyy) which ice cream flavor do you think you would associate with each of the babes? Their favorite flavor and/or personality trait-wise.

Mint chip is my favorite, too! \o/ I don't get to eat ice cream much, but this was interesting to think about. I will try not to project onto the babes, though, only their pure likes maybe...

Oh snap! I can use the banner again!!! (All characters I've ever written for below.)

James Mace - Neapolitan

When this guy indulges (very rarely), he can't decide on just one flavor, so the easiest thing to do is get multiples. If he can go to a shop where you order by the scoop, he'll ask whoever is behind the counter what the popular or new or their faves are and try three of those. Mace, I believe, can pack away some ice cream.

Curtis Everett - Birthday Cake or Cotton Candy

The sickliest sweet things are a delight to Curtis. He's never gotten over how bland and boring and miserable the food of his childhood was. He goes nuts for sugar overload, but in intensity of taste, not in volume.

Jimmy Dobyne - Peach

Fruity, refreshing, creamy, and just screaming to add a dirty joke onto the end of it, Jimmy will use any excuse to sneak a double-entendre into polite conversation with a pretty lady. "Your peaches taste the sweetest..." Yeah, dessert is more about flirting than it is about eating. Ice cream is nice in the heat, however, so it's a great date option.

Johnny Storm - Cookies & Cream

With extra cookie crumbles and caramel sauce on top, he'll demand. Sprinkles, too, if you have it. Maybe some gummy worms or cereal. At least, like, five cherries. Oh! Also preferred that it be hard frozen when he starts eating so that it's not soup halfway through his rapid eating of it. The sensation of eating ice cream gets lost when he can barely tell it's cold.

Jake Jensen - Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip

This flavor has everything (and yeah, ok, I am projecting a bit on this one, whatever). Jake likes a whole lot of flavors and textures; he's actually not picky at all. He does enjoy ~the hunt~ for this rarer find in all his travels because raspberry is a popular flavor--it's often a sorbet though--but it's not the most popular of the berry options. He also will try all of the crazy niche flavors at hole-in-the-wall places. Conversely, it is easier to work while not holding a bowl or cone, so Jake loves a good milkshake or malt. Those he can sucked down like air.

Lloyd Hansen - Mint Chocolate Chip

My theory is this man is obsessed with fresh: fresh food, fresh sheets, fresh intel, fresh meat. Bet you his lip balm is always, only mint, too. Very classic. Very pristine. Fresh. Sweetness with a purpose.

Ari Levinson - Butter Pecan

Fine, I'm projecting again, idec, but you can't tell me Ari isn't this kind of old soul who loves not-overly-sugary treats! You cannot change my mind. That guy loves the crunch of candied pecans in there, he freaking lives for that rounded slightly-savory sweet cream flavor, and he loves that it's widely available but never sold out anywhere. Easy!

Ransom Drysdale - Coffee

And it's weirdly been that way since he was too young of a kid to drink coffee? Turns out, this was the flavor his father got but told Ransom he wasn't old enough for, he wouldn't like it. Of course, Ran immediately ordered two scoops of it in a chocolate dipped sprinkle cone, and while he may not have been totally keen on it in that exact moment, coffee-flavor grew on him. He loves it as much as he loves all of the other behaviors that say "f*** you" to his parents.

Steve Rogers - Rocky Road

Created during the Great Depression, this ice cream was shared between Steve and his Ma quite a few nights when he was too sickly to go out but needed a pick-me-up. Bucky enjoyed it with him, too, but it's not his favorite. Steve tends to really enjoy eating only when there's nostalgia attached to the food.

Bucky Barnes - Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter

Rich, velvety, and made slightly different by each company. Sometimes Bucky wants ribbons of fudge and the tiny pb cups mixed in; sometimes he wants full-blown chocolate ice cream with peanut butter swirled in. Can't go wrong. Only good, heavy, decadent happiness vibes.

I am...stunned at how confident I feel in these choices HA!

Thank you for asking!

[princescribbler]

YOUR DYNAMIC IS YOUR DYNAMIC: IT DOESN'T NEED TO FIT ANYONE ELSE"S IDEAS!

(Pre-emptive content warning: discussions of depression, fetishism, ABDL, D/s, fairly extreme Ageplay and regression dynamics, and broader power exchange dynamics)

It's often hard to explain to people what my kink dynamic looks like with my fiance/ partner/ mommy-domme @giggle-byte. Am I her little? Yes. 24/7 diapers? Absolutely. Do I wear a chastity cage most days, and follow detailed routines and rules? ABSOLUTELY! So do I feel like she's the only one in charge, I'm this completely regressed and controlled 'slave', and we're 24/7 D/s? Absolutely not, and I'll try to explain why a bit further below. But also... kind of yes? But not in the way people seem to think!

See, I've been into forced regression, unpotty training, pretty intense ABDL and MD/lb things for as long as I can recall. Heck, most of my dating history I was the daddy domme like 70% of the time or more, instead of like 10-15% in my current dynamic. So finding a full-time mommy-domme and lifelong kink partner would, in theory, result in extreme lifestyle changes. Sure, some happened...but nothing i didn't ask for, beg for, PLEAD for over years of my life. Nothing was done i didn't consent to, agree with, and even generally DESIRED to have! The point i'm trying to make is this: I expected a specific 'version' of what it meant to have a mommy-domme, and especially a 24/7 dynamic, and i was just...wrong! See, my dynamic is based on MY needs, not the ones my penis thinks of when it's hard, and not the ones i read about online. my needs are mine, and they don't necessarily MATCH the expectation online! So why bother getting my partner to give me detailed rules, give me structure, etc? because it WORKS FOR US, and IS WHAT I WANT! Why do I have a bedtime? Because i struggled with tiredness at work in the morning and thrive on routine. The chastity? Well, i had panic attacks around sex, and momma suggested at first it would take my mind off the idea of having to 'perform'. Soon, i liked the whole idea, the control, the teasing, the build up...but i also didn't like actually feeling denied, and frankly when we first started, i had a pretty low sex-drive....so weirdly, my amazing fiance @giggle-byte actually helped me 'regain' some of that sex drive, enjoy and embrace...via CHASTITY! And now, it's actually her who is the amazing, controlled, thoguhtful one who handles that for me. I can ask to lock, unlock, etc...but the truth is she knows what i can and can't cope with and gives it to me without me needing to ask! But it's NOT about denial...she unlocks me every day, with few exceptions. It's not about control: I have the key, a backup key, a third backup, even in play where i 'lock the key away' in a timer lock i genuinely can't get into...it's never off my keyring as a spare. The idea is the DYNAMIC is there...but the daily rules are more open, flexible, and based on our mutual desires and needs!

Every time we reassess our dynamic we run into this over and over. Too many online stories, too many fantasies, and not enough realistic reality or even modern and flexible dynamics crept into our expectations...and suddenly, we realized that we aren't doing a 24/7 ABDL and MD/lb (and switch DD/lg dynamic, though she's slightly more private about her little side) relationship the way anyone was expecting...but it was WORKING for us very well, DESPITE that?!

The point I'm trying to make is this; Your dynamic, relationship, and needs are YOURS and won't look like a cookie-cutter idea. For some people into MD/lb, they want chastity, denial, cock and ball torture, humiliation, degradation, and the like. For some, it's purely non-sexual, cute, and loving. For us...it's sometimes very flexible, but generally it's more focused on cuteness, structure, routine, and supporting us both in our mutually shared kinky desires!

To wrap this rant up: Let's go through a few quick examples of what the EXPECTATION of a dynamic like ours usually is, and then compare it to what MY relationship looks like. Expectation/archetype against the reality!

Chastity Expectation: to be locked, denied, teased, humiliated, left wanting and desperate or degraded or even cuckolded! My Dynamic/Chastity Reality: momma uses it like a sex toy, it's not required, it's a thing i only wear for a few hours most days, but i CAN feel the desire for more...and one wore it the better part of a month, without prior experience with that, and loved it!

Diapers 24/7 Expectation: Public humiliation against my will to forcibly infantilize, regress, and humiliate or control me! My Dynamic/Diaper Reality: It's my fucking kink, i CLEARLY enjoy it and momma helped me stop feeling ashamed and worried. in fact, it's not a profound comfort and sort of security-blanket.

Switch Relationship Expectation: To constantly swap roles, or to only stay in one role at a time, or to at the very least struggle with who is 'big' and who is 'little' at any given time. My Switch Reality: It's fluid, happens without a ton of effort (admittedly this took time to establish), i can be 'baby prince papi' while she's still my 'princess'...even if it's 'momma princess'. Our roles don't match the traditional expectations.

24/7 ABDL and MD/lb Expectation: A lifestyle of complete submission, regression, denial, control, humiliation, and sexual frustration in order to become more and more needy and desperate...Eventually usually implied to end in either permanent regression, cuckolding, etc. My 24/7 ABDL and MD/lb Reality: Basically just the fun parts of that, without sexual frustration, plus my sex drive went from 'once a week' to '3-5x a day' and has made me happier, healthier, more confident, cute, and self-accepting. Oh and i get all my kinky desires met, fulfill the love of my life's kinky fantasies, al while getting MORE sexy fun, MORE relaxation, and IMPROVED mental as well as physical well-being. You know...NOT what i was told I'd receive!

So fuck the idiots who demand you follow their idea of kink. Well, don't actually fuck them, they don't deserve it, but i mean....ignore and disregard them! You don't have to have a dynamic that fits any traditional guidelines, rules, etc. If you want to have a unique dynamic, CELEBRATE your uniqueness and finding someone who shares it with you! And for god's sake, don't expect each other to fulfil a role neither of you signed up for, ok? It's OK to have a fantasy and yet find the reality unpleasant, preferring to live in a gentler, nicer lifestyle. Give yourself permission to be unique, creative, and DEFINE your needs rather thna having them defined for you! I promise: it pays off in spades!

As always, stay happy, stay healthy, and stay kinky!

-Scribbler

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok gonna journal a little bit about the first six weeks under the cut, with the caveat that i know a lot of people who have babies under one year old right now or are about to have babies, all of whom are having or will probably have different experiences than me. i feel weird talking about parenting in public because i don't want it to seem like i'm comparing experiences. i just want to write through it for myself to make sense of my own experience, i guess?? must reflective journal or i can't consolidate my own impression of what's happening haha.

some scattered thoughts:

it's a LOT of work. having good routines and practicing them a lot has helped make it feel more manageable, but it's absolutely a full-time or really more than full-time job (round the clock care!!). i cannot imagine going back to work while caring for a newborn. i am really really really really lucky to have six months of protected time (four and a half months of it paid!). but it's still a little scary to think about going back to work at six months... like how will there be enough hours in the day??

time passes SO weirdly with a newborn. i literally never know what day it is and i often have no sense at all for how long it's been since something happened. i can't believe i've been off work for six weeks... it feels like i've been away for six months and also simultaneously like i gave birth six days ago. i also totally get what people mean about developing amnesia around the newborn phase... i already am having a hard time remembering when certain things happened or when he made certain transitions.

my transition to parenthood was a little rough because of the hand pain + the wrist surgery, but it was massively, massively eased by having an easy, non-traumatic birth experience + then having my mom here to handle nights for the first three and a half weeks (with help from my sister too). like ultimately i think the wrist stuff was a blessing in disguise because it meant i HAD to rest and rely on other people. i went into parenthood with such a massive sleep deficit from two months of excruciating pain but then i was able to more or less sleep through the night for two solid weeks after the surgery. i think that meant 1) i got a lot of much-needed rest and was able to recover from birth faster, but also 2) i wasn't the person who had to deal with the most intensely fragmented phases of newborn sleep. my poor mom! but gosh what an incredible gift that was. i am sleep deprived and tired but i am not absolutely wrecked and it's 100% because she handled the most labor-intensive phase of keeping a little baby alive.

i think i have a pretty easy baby. he sleeps well (i mean after the first few harrowing weeks where they are somehow simultaneously asleep at all times and incapable of sleeping), eats well, and doesn't mind being alone in his crib for quiet time. i fully expect that if this particular phase is easier for me there will be much harder phases that are easy for other people... like probably he will be a baffling nightmare at some other phase other people's kids navigate with ease. but i'm enjoying this phase of things feeling semi-manageable. i also feel like, even though i read one million baby books beforehand, i basically did not do anything to get these results. i just got this (for now?) easygoing baby who is pretty amenable to whatever happens to him. it reminds me of what my mom has said about raising us... three of us were really easy and then my brother was the clingiest, loudest, most emotionally volatile, impossible-to-soothe, bad-sleeping little baby of all time, and my mom was just like yeah. really cures you of thinking you've got it all figured out! really makes you realize that 90% of it is just the baby's temperament and it has virtually nothing to do with how capable you are as a parent! i just want to remember this in case i do this again and the next kid is like my brother haha.

my therapist says some people get postpartum blues right away and others get a big surge of protective happy hormones that start tapering off around month three (so their postpartum blues come later). i suspect that i got the surge of happy hormones because often i am just walking along with a Song in My Heart and that feeling of 'i am overflowing with joy!!' that reminds me of the endorphin waves i get when i'm exercising a lot. so maybe things will abruptly start feeling a lot harder when this wave of hormones dissipates, and then i will have to weather that. but for now it is nice to feel really baseline happy/joyful even when i'm tired.

it took a bit longer to bond with him than i expected! for the first three weeks or so i was like, well this baby is beautiful and perfect, but also, he could just be anybody's beautiful perfect baby, you know? i liked him as a baby and was interested in him as a little guy living in my house but i did not experience an intense surge of maternal feelings at first sight or anything like that. and sometimes when he was extremely fussy or when i was really tired of taking care of him i was like aaaa great now i just have to be responsible for him forever?? he's a nice little baby but forever???? anyway i feel like it's only in the last couple weeks that i've started to feel more strongly that this is MY beautiful and perfect baby. and it's become increasingly fun and joyful to think about like oh! we just get to hang out for the next 18+ years! i get to be his mom forever! we are a little family now!

i want another one... i want another little baby... i am going to have to really scheme and save and hussle at my side jobs to make it happen, and i am very conscious of the biological window closing. i would ideally like there to be a larger gap between them (like i think in a perfect world he would be 5 when i had a second baby) but i don't think i will have the luxury of that much time. so i think i am going to wait the recommended 18 months and then start the process again. idk we will see how things feel once he is in daycare and i am strapped for time and $$ but i would sure like to do this again. and i would really like to give him a sibling. we'll see.

i just love him... i love snuggling with him... i love watching him look around at stuff... i love taking him to new places and seeing him take it all in... i love watching my friends and my family snuggle him and joke around with him... i love singing to him and watching him go from shrieking to totally relaxed just because someone's singing to him... i love lying in bed after i've put him down for the night and watching him sleep on the video monitor... i love feeling responsible for him and knowing that it's my job to take good care of him... i love watching him in the car seat mirror as he listens to taylor swift with a calmly contemplative expression on his face... i love seeing his little personality emerging... gosh! i just like this little snuggly guy who lives in my house. i like him a lot.

[mermaidsirennikita]

Hey I just read your answer about bad writing in dark romance ! Do you have some well-written dark romance to recommend to us ?

Yes!

I'll add a caveat: like I said lol, I'm really not into torture porn dark romances, so Haunting Adeline-type books aren't my thing. But I feel like they've become considered dark romances? Whereas my understanding is more along the lines of how the Fated Mates episode explained it. It's not just the hero or heroine's morality--it's also the world in which they live, the comfort of sitting in amorality, etc.

Soooo I'd recommend--

King's Captive by Amber Bardan. I really need to read more of Amber, tbh. This one begins with the heroine at her birthday party, at which point the hero has killed practically everyone there, her father included. He then sweeps her off to his private island, and we have a years-long time jump. It's got a very eerie atmosphere. Super intense and verrry sexy (he notably gives her a mixtape that she masturbates to and stands on the other side of the door KNOWING she's masturbating lmao). Insane twist, very violent, a lot of weirdly sensual descriptions of how he cooks steak?

Kresley Cole's Gamemaker series I'd recommend in general. The first two books are very Russian mafia-angled (especially the first) and the third is like... affiliated, but it's not mafia. The heroes are intensely possessive, the heroines actually fight back, etc. I've compared The Master to Kresley's PNR Lothaire, which... I'd argue that several IAD books overlap with dark romance, lmao (Dreams of a Dark Warrior, Lothaire, and MacRieve come to mind). But because The Master doesn't have the vampiric element, instead you have a guy keeping a woman captive because he thinks she's trying to baby trap him, chastity belt included.

Mila Finelli's Kings of Italy series. Italian mafia. The third book especially is on the darker side to me, as it probably has the highest amount of dubcon. The heroes are all murderers, there's a good bit of torture, defiant heroines (and an m/m assassin/target romance).

Run, Posy Run by Cate C. Wells. Italian-American mafia. The hero is in this situationship with the heroine that honestly isn't even good for her at all lmao, and is sent a video of her cheating on him. She assumes he's going to murder her and goes on the run... and then he finds out that the video was doctored. I mean, it's a softer touch, but still pretty dark.

Anne Stuart wrote dark historical romances--A Rose at Midnight is honestly one of the darkest books I've read. Intensely horrific Reign of Terror content. A really, really horrible (in a good way) hero. Tons of trauma. TW TW TW TW for like, murder, dubcon, noncon, near-suicide, violence on and off the page... It's dark.

Then of course... Sierra Simone. Some people categorize New Camelot as dark; I'd say it's very VERY high stakes, but I wouldn't necessarily call anyone involved horrible enough in the main trio to be dark. It has a lot of dark points, but I don't know if it's dark romance.

However, her Ivy Leavold series and her Molly O'Flaherty books skirt towards dark historicals, and I would say that Thornchapel is definitely dark, on the Gothic side. It's basically like... a pseudo-magical (light magic) series that feels a lot like Donna Tartt's The Secret History, but with orgies, and rituals, and that One Taboo That Romance Very Rarely Crosses. (Yes. THAT one.) Nobody's truly evil, but a lot of people are very fucked up, and it has some scenes that are downright Midsommar-y.

I would also say that while Salt Kiss didn't feel like a dark romance to me, Honey Cut definitely put us in that space lmao. She ramped up in a BIIIIIG way. Like. That book had one of the darkest consensual sex scenes I've ever read (and I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVED it). Just some really twisted relationships and high stakes. Which again. LOVE. Everyone read Sierra Simone!

[brutal-nemesis]

Goretober X: Don't Be Vein

This one very short I've been super busy the past week and also I'm very tired last actual gore piece for @coyotehusk goretober tho so yee haw go me

←Previous - Castys Masterlist - Goretober Masterlist - Next→

Ingredients: body horror of the surreal variety, gore, fun with delicate lil blood vessels, emeto mention

Castys had absolutely zero idea what Kuro was doing. Not that he usually did, but he could at least guess most of the time. Now, she was just rooting around inside his arm, digging deep into the muscle as he bit down hard on the gag in his mouth and tried not to wiggle too much.

“There it is!” Castys could feel Kuro’s smile as she looked down at the gaping wound she’d been probing around in. “I finally found one of your larger blood vessels. I want to see if it’ll do the same thing your intestines do.” Castys raised an eyebrow. They probably would, but he wasn’t exactly eager to find out. Unfortunately, he was about to.

Kuro was gentle as she freed the vein from inside of his muscle, most likely trying not to break it and make him bleed to death before she was ready. It was a lot smaller than Castys expected, just sort of pink and stringy, like a…worm. Too soon. He had to think about something other than worms. His leg started hurting anyway, as if this leg could even remember pain that it never fucking felt in the first place since the one that did got chopped off. But his scars on his torso and face ached sometimes, too, and those were from so long ago that he doubted any of them had never been replaced. 

After a long time of careful cutting and pulling, a small number of his blood vessels were totally free of his muscle, laid out limply on his exposed bone. Castys’s view of them wasn’t great, but he was very much okay with that. Oh, and now he was going to get to die, so hopefully things wouldn’t be fucked up when he came back.

Things were fucked up. 

He looked down at his arm almost immediately after coming back to life, and the sight was…surreal, to say the least. The thin vessels laid on top of the skin of his inner forearm, sort of fused to it at the bottom, their ends leading back down into his flesh. They pulsated weirdly as his blood flowed through them, and the sight wasn’t something Castys wanted to get used to. 

“That was fun! I haven’t done delicate work like that in a while. Do you mind if I do that to your other limbs?” Kuro asked as she removed the gag, excitement in her voice.

“I do in fact mind, but I don’t think you care, so why are you asking?”

Kuro shrugged. “So you can feel like you have a little bit of control for a moment.”

“It’s not helping.”

“Aw, too bad,” she said as she tied the gag over his mouth again.

Back to disregarding his opinion, Kuro started on his other arm, and once that was done she moved on to his legs. The whole process took hours, intense pain and cold and dripping blood, and he was hardly aware of anything else by the time she was done. Once again, she made him look, and once again, it wasn’t something he wanted to see, all of the pink squiggles running up and down his arms and legs, pulsing along to his heartbeat. It sort of made him feel sick for some reason, so he did his best not to puke into the gag.

He didn’t know how much more of this he could take, and that scared him.

Next→

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[aidenlyons]

Aiden doesn't have a whole lot to move in, just a few boxes really. The rest of his furniture won't be delivered until the next day. But he can at least show Tony his new place.

A: Thanks for helping me.

T: What're friends for? This place is pretty sweet. The light is amazing.

A: That's what sold me on it.

T: I hope you're happy here, despite.. everything.

A: I will be.

A: Besides, if it gets to be too much, I'll just crash with you for a few days.

T: Damn straight. I'll make sure to get a sofa with a bed, just in case.

A: Just make sure it's somewhat comfortable, huh?

T: Nah, I'm gonna make you sleep on a lumpy mattress.

T: Seriously, you good?

A: I'm going to be. It's the next chapter. I gotta see where it takes me.

T: Ok. I'm just a phone call away.

A: I know. Go on, get out of here, you'll miss your bus.

A: Call me when you get settled in San Myshuno.

T: I will. Alright, no chick flick moments. Good luck, Aiden.

A: Ok, ok. You too.

With that, Tony returns home for a few days before her own move and Aiden is left to unpack and hopefully meet the rest of his housemates.

It doesn't take long for Aiden to meet some of his new neighbors. The first he meets is Alfonso Wolff who is probably around his age.

"Hey man, I'm Alfonso. My boyfriend and I are at the end of the hall, furthest from you. And speaking of..."

Alfonso introduces him to his boyfriend, Skylar Kilgore. Clearly protective over his boyfriend, but polite.

"Nice to meet you, Aiden. Welcome to the house. Al and I have been here for a year. Jayce is a good landlord, don't worry."

The next one to introduce himself is Kory Saavedra.

"So you're Aiden."

He's a bit unfriendly and for a minute Aiden doesn't understand.

"I'm Kory. I'm on the football team with your ex. Shitty thing you did, man."

Ah. That explains it. Guess Jake needed someone to talk to.

A: I thought football players had to stay in the dorms?

K: That's just first years. Besides, me and my roommate's dorm got shut down. Asbestos or some shit. School put us up here.

A: ... Oh. Sorry.

Aiden clearly isn't going to get along with Kory.

Al: Ah-hah. Sorry, Kory's kinda intense. Think we're just missing Jarod.. in the middle room. Has some job with computers. We don't see much of them.

A: I'll keep that in mind, and I'll try not to annoy any of you.. I'm a pretty quiet person myself, and I'm kind of an artist.

S: Al, you forgot about Kory's roommate, Elias.

Elias? Surely that's a coincidence? Not the Elias that Aiden knows?

A: Elias? Not Elias Anderson?

S: Yeah, you know 'im?

A: Weirdly, yeah. I went to high school with him. He used to live in my apartment building. Small world.

And of course there's Jayce Lockett, their landlord and owner of the house. A firefighter, he keeps an odd schedule and is often gone for days at a time, but they all have his phone number to leave him a message if need be.

Aiden has difficulty in new places. The new sounds, sights. He wakes before dawn the first full night after his furniture is delivered, and stares at his old couch, wondering...

"I hope Jake is sleeping well."

[winterandwords]

Favourite novel tag

The original post from @unhingednovelist says share a little about your favourite novel of all time! give us some reasons why you love it, ramble on for a bit. i am going to ramble, so go absolutely feral about it. i don't mind. i don't think anyone else does either.

Thanks to @reamous23 for tagging me in this one!

I'm absolutely horrible at choosing favourites. I always have at least five things that fall into that category, and the best I can do here is to narrow it down to two.

�� Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis

I've loved everything Bret Easton Ellis has written, but Less Than Zero just hit me in a way very few other books ever have. There's a detached cruelty and pervasive moral bankruptcy to it that I don't remember ever encoutering in any book I'd read before (I was definitely far too young to have read it when I read it) and I fell in love immediately. Welcome to baby's first transgressive literature, I guess.

I have a weakness for books that imperceptibly shift my perspective as I read. At the beginning I was shocked by things the characters said and did, but by the end I was encountering objectively far more harrowing concepts and just drifting through them. I mean??!! Fuck yeah. What excellent writing it is to be able to do that to someone's mind while they inhale what you've created.

If you've never read this but you've seen the film, the book is nothing at all like the film. Seriously. Do not read the book expecting the film.

📖 Life After God by Douglas Coupland

Because apparently my favourite authors are mostly queer Gen Xers with a fucked up but weirdly poetic worldview FOR SOME REASON. I've loved everything I've read by Douglas Coupland as well, but Life After God got me in the feels so strongly and precisely.

Coupland has this intensely sharp and achingly beautiful observational writing style and a way of pulling out small details that get wedged in my brain forever.

There's a description of a nuclear explosion in Life After God that almost exactly mirrors a recurring nightmare I've had since forever. That kind of broke me a little bit, in the way that things do when you realise how shared, how collective, people's fears are and how some people know exactly how to put them into words.

📖 Honourable mentions...

Pretty much everything by Bret Easton Ellis and Douglad Coupland

Actually, pretty much everything by Thomas Harris too

Fight Club and Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

The Catcher in the Rye by J D Salinger

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

I'm leaving this as an OPEN TAG and inviting anyone who wants to do it to @ me so I can see your faves 💜

[distopea]

WISHLIST DROP✨

to be updated whenever I have new popping ideas!

A few dynamics, stories and other stuff I'd love to explore one day. Plotted threads needed for all of this! Open to any of my mutuals!

Astra:

Boss x Boss dynamic, but makes it spicy 🌶, there's nothing better than business getting a bit dirty 👀 (and a lot of mindfuck, yum)

You're my favorite enemy: who's the cat and who's the mouse, when police work become a bit too much obsessive for one mafia leader

Angelyne:

You thought the Devil was the worse in your life? Crumbling between the fingers of another vicious entity

Kiss the Witch! what if morals and innocence would be gone for good?

Adventure of lifetime... She never left her little cabin, she fears human... Maybe it's time for a change?

Diego:

Enemies in the streets, complicated in the sheets... I know there's a rival for him in this world, a challenge to take in MANY ways

Dropped like a tissue, you come to his rescue? Let him claws his way out of the Cleaners to find someone (or an organization) to serve and avoid prison

Gabriele:

Legacy journey, or when it's time to face his demons and come back to Sicily

I know your face... Haunts him from his past, whether you were affiliated to the organization he destroyed or an innocent that was caught in the damages

So I have this weird coworker... Grumpy man x young recrue, it's time to bond in the police line and let him teach your character a bit of his experience

Gambit:

Bad calculation... Ah shit, he's kidnapped and there will be trouble... Do you want to jump in?

Murder party. Truly he's not only into excel sheets, and it's time to show it!

So, how's the money work here? Travelling for the Cleaners, he needs your guidance in this unknown country

Jovan:

Who Am I... He doesn't know. He needs to know but he's afraid to discover he's a monster.

Bastet/Leta:

Who thought I could ever betray them? Oh yes, she can. She doesn't know yet... Perhaps show her the way?

That's not how you hold a knife... And she can teach you. But she doesn't like having you in her feet during missions.

Let's hunt this motherfucker. She has a revenge to follow and you're going to help, and you're going to love it.

You're okay, I've got you... She has mothering instincts yes, she's independent yes... But can she be vulnerable with someone for once?

Mads:

See you on the field, soldier. You bonded easily, but war made you apart. Yet, you have a feeling you'll see each other again.

Pointing spiderman meme but it's two thieves... always getting in each other's business and for different reasons...

Broken mind calling for help... A therapist is always needed, bonding with them, well, it can be a good bonus

Marlo:

To be added!

Mika:

I lost a very important bag full of money and I don't know what to do... but maybe YOU do?

Spare mates! Spare mates! Survivors of the underground! True friends (and more? eh! we never know), a bond of life

Oliver:

You're a hell of a shitty clients but you love to pester him. And weirdly, he likes when you come over as well. Weird. Very toxic. Intense. Addictive.

DANCING RIVALS. He wants the first role, you want it too. Nothing good can happen from that.

I thought you were a friend to me... But it was only another bad trap. Yes I don't deserve to RP with Oliver, I'm a monster.

Requiem:

Two killers machines... one specific contract. It's not Mr. and Mrs Smith but it can as hot as the movie 👀

Golden years... Tales of two mercenary people. Whether it's good or bad, you're back in each other's life.

Sybille:

Yes, I'm not that shallow girl. And perhaps I can show you. But I won't be happy about it...

Petty fights, rivals, escort life... Why would she be the queen of mean girls if there's no one take that crown off her head?

Oh shit, is he dead?! Partners in crime out of circumstances, sharing a dark secret, blackmail, manipulation but there's a link you can't get rid of...

Vex:

I'm a little bit obsessed with you... For no reasons, but you're a fun toy. Someone he gets overly obsessed with and it's quite ugly.

I'll show there's no good in me. Failing quest of redemption, tortured emotions, bittersweet with almost no sweet, intense bond...

Zodiac:

Friends don't need to get along... Fucked up bond of need, emotions, intensity, anger. You are toxic for one another but you can't live without each other.

He's a dead man. He means his brother. And you're hired to help him for that.

Zeffy:

I don't trust you. But we're teammates. She's secretive about her past, but the shield is cracking...

[punhetamaistriste]

Starfuckers (2022)

Today I watched Starfuckers and I think it might have changed my life. I spent the night with someone I think I can consider a friend at this point, and he showed me the power of queer cinema (well, I'm aware of queer cinema just like every artsy queer, but way less than most artsy queers. I was a theatre kid. I grew up with artsy queers just like this new friend of mine is) in those astonishing 15 minutes. I won't tell you what the film is about, but it's about a twink and his current daddy-type lover who's an asshole. And just as if I was watching Fleabag , I saw the asshole as an extension of myself (I got myself under a pretty bad light).

Recently, a month ago roughly, I ended an intense relationship that lasted 6 months. It was fun. We essentially lived together, and she was way younger and richer than I am. It bugged me. I hated her; her money, her parents, her lack of clue about how a poor person lives. I got myself under debt because of her, because of my love for her. At first, pure performance because she liked me and I couldn't say no to a new experience that could bring me momentary joy and a place to go on weekends, then real love. And she was a great lover. I just fucked it all up, as usual. But I'm glad I did. I needed this break-up, I needed my time alone and I needed the momentum to assimilate the fact that I was an asshole.

The asshole in Starfuckers definitely knew he was the asshole, but came too his senses too late. He got caught. I didn't. That's why the asshole life worked for me until not very long ago: I never got caught. I ran in time, all the times. With her, with him, with them (you three know who you are. You mattered to me. The rest was my crazy mind fantasizing about how I could get any of you back and why I shouldn't). It was good. But sometimes the peed and dumped water splashes right inside your dirty tired anus and you feel this nasty, weirdly clean wet cold on your ass and things get awkward with yourself. But that's only until you take a shower after that dump. Then everything feels light and clean, and better than before the dirty water touched you. I was suicidal recently, it was my splash, but I just got out of that shower.

I've been fucked like the Starfuckers twink, emotionally abused (mostly from myself) in relationships (and also the abuser) and in my carreers. I had a carreer in Environmental Science because of a daddy-type guy who gave me my internship in exchange for a blowjob. I never told anyone about it. We had a relationship for about a year, and i don't qualify him as one of the three lovers I had in life. He was just a thing I had to do. In that sense I got fucked differently, unlike the twink I didn't really care about my daddy-type lover. Maybe a little. Maybe the twink felt like that, too. In an egotistical way, caring about him was caring about my own future. I was young, foolish and full of potential. And will to do things. I don't know if I still got it; college is killing me. I understand the twink and his reasons. When you love someone because of your own future, it feels terrible not to be seen by that someone. You feel guilty for your own greed, then angry for the feeling. It's freeing to be an asshole sometimes, specially when feeling this type of anger.

The Enter The Twink bit gives us an amazing, touching performance and when he cries his heart out after the monologue, I almost cry too, but I'm a skinhead so I must remain tough. He spoke to me, but spoke like the younger me: a child, picking from the ground pieces of a destroyed child . A destroyed childhood, a shattered dream, whatever. A thing that shouldn't have ended the way it did, like many things. The only things from my life to ever happened the way they should and end when they should were my last two relationships. Because I said they were over. When I needed it. Besides my ridiculous review, Starfuckers is incredible and it's not a break up film. It's a gay film. It's a raw film. Go watch.

I hope this new friend of mine stays, because I really liked the film and I like queer artsy people. But I'm a wreck. I hope he stays until it's time to go, until the water splash. And after a shower we'll both feel better. I think that about everyone in my life, including my family. I hope they don't let go of me, but i have to act like they will. I keep my pieces together in a jar afraid of glueing it all together just to crash and fall again, and I'm comfortable in that mess. Sometimes I'm the asshole because of it, but it's not easy being a twink. Being the twink. God, I'm fucked. I wish I could elevate this state into artform like the Starfuckers director. I don't know if he comes from a real situation there in the film and something like that happened to him. Maybe. Not that unusual in the artistic circuit. What am I talking about? I think I lost my train of thought. Best way to end a text.

So I blink, I stare at you madly in love and say tenderly: God, you're so beautiful. It's true. Do you reckon? I mean, it's fate. We all dig our own graves before sleep.

[d2sejanus--plinth]

Sitting like this, in bed, intertwined, with Coriolanus scattering sweet kisses on the crown of his hair, with his elegant, deft fingers stroking over his curls, it was heaven, it always was, and made him placid, softened him so much, warmth spiked in his chest and seeped, all over, to the tips of his fingers. He was ensconced in happiness, here in Coriolanus' arms. Even as he was suffering, too, the bite of his pain blunted with Coriolanus around him, being so affectionate, he was so sticky and so tender he knew that if anyone else saw him like this they'd probably think he was replaced with someone else. It was a side only he really saw anymore, and while he still felt so sad about Tigris growing distant, in a way he felt weirdly possessive over it, too, of being the only one to witness this side of his dear Coryo. How special he was. How wonderful Coriolanus was, to offer him this.

As they were talking, Coriolanus brought up how he might have been happier had they not met. Knife like pain twinged in his chest immediately, and his head whipped up to warn Coriolanus not to talk like that again, his voice was sharp, but soon enough it grew into a pathetic little murmur, emotions getting the best of him, and tears sliding down his cheeks. The thought of not knowing, not loving Coriolanus, not being with him, was nothing short of torture. A nightmare of proportions he couldn't even grasp. "I don't want to be without you," he reinforced, and their kissing was harsh, and desperate, he was ecstatic with Coriolanus responding with the same feverish intensity. It helped a bit, took the sting out of that imagined hellish scenario, and managed to redirect his attention, if only a bit. Even the thought of being without Coriolanus left him.. shaky. Unstable.

He needed to tell him, too, to reassure him, too. He knew Coriolanus worried as well. No, he would never leave. No, nothing but his death will stop his loving Coriolanus, and not even that. Coriolanus had to know, and he was going to keep repeating it. He mentioned that his death might be at the hand of someone else, or even at the hand of Coriolanus himself, and he was quite tranquil with that fact, with that possibility. It'd traced his mind, it hasn't lingered, no, but he knew the kind of man that Coriolanus was, he knew the man that he loved. Deeply, intimately. He looked up at Coriolanus when he asked for clarification on that, and his cheeks were still a bit shiny with his tears, but he was smiling now, a little, his arm over Coriolanus' waist, tight, snuggling further into his chest.

"I just know you're a dangerous man, my love. An important man. A wanted man. And you'll be even more so when you're president," his hand came up to caress lightly over his cheek, thumb brushing at his cheekbone, when, not if, when he'll become president, "if it happens.. maybe it happens out of desperation. Maybe we're running from something. I don't know. I haven't given it much thought. I'm not scared of it. I know it wouldn't happen because you wanted it to." But he could see if affected Coriolanus, and he was so softhearted, "You won't lose me, Coryo. You won't." His hand went into Coriolanus' hair, and his forehead creased when he heard him talk again, what he was talking about.

It was so raw, and it made his stomach ache. It brought on mixed feelings, Coriolanus' possessiveness and protectiveness always appealed to him, always, made him feel so wanted, so needed, so taken care of; but this sheer cruelty and the ease with which he talked about killing were bone chilling, too. It was so strange. So strange to love someone who could be so tender, and yet so deadly. So merciless.

"Nothing is going to happen to me," he reassured, leaned up for another, longer kiss, keeping Coriolanus' lip between his own a bit, gently, tipping his head for a more thorough kiss, warmth thrumming through him, "don't talk like that. I don't need you to kill anyone for me," but even that was a lie. Coriolanus had already killed for him, too, at least in part. Bobbin. Mayfair. Highbottom. Gaul. And there will be more. For him, for them. "I'm safe, with you."

Coriolanus listened silently as Sejanus spoke softly about all the things he could have done to make this miserable world right. Yes, he could have raged more against the Capitol and Ravinstill and the regime that was firmly ruling over Panem. But all it would have done was gotten him killed because in the end, even the Plinths fortune couldn't have saved him. Up until recently, even Coriolanus himself wouldn't have been in a position to save Sejanus. He had the Presidents ear but even he likely couldn't have convinced him not to kill someone labelled as a traitor to the Capitol. His heart ached at the thought of losing Sejanus, certain that he wouldn't be able to recover from such a loss. It was why he had written to Strabo all those years ago when they'd been out in 12, telling him to come and get his son. Sejanus' heart might have been in the right place but that sympathetic heart was going to get him killed and despite him once telling Sejanus that he wouldn't save him again, they both knew that he would. He peppered soft kisses against the top of his head, fingers stroking his curls so gently as he listened to him. He knew he could never get enough of having Sejanus close to him like this. Curled up as close as possible to one another, legs entangled. He took his hand in his an brought it up to his lips and brushed a soft kiss against his knuckles. He knew he was often the cause of Sejanus' pain, his positions as first GameMaker and now Head GameMaker and Head of the War Department causing conflict between them. He knew Sejanus had made it clear that he simply couldn't be against him and he was grateful for that. It would perhaps be their salvation because Coriolanus knew that overtime, these fights weren't going to end. If anything, they would only become more intense because Coriolanus already had his eye on the Presidents role. Not yet, it wasn't time. Sejanus knew this, they had spoken of it often and he wanted Sejanus at his side when he eventually took Office.

He looked down sharply as Sejanus head shot up and he was hissing at him to 'never say that again!'. He had known saying such a thing might bother Sejanus and yet, he couldn't help it. He knew that Sejanus life might be better if they had never met. If he had stayed out in the Districts and didn't have to cope with the lingering resentment and guilt he was drowning in still here in the Capitol. He wouldn't point out the truth of his words, because he could see the fire in Sejanus' eyes and then the tears that came with such an idea and he knew he would never say those words again. "Shh baby, I won't ever say it again. I can't live without you. I wouldn't want to live without you. Please don't cry. We're together. I'm here and I'm never going anywhere." He kissed him back with equal desperation, needing to just feel Sejanus as much as it appeared he needed to feel him. He loved Sejanus, so completely. He didn't want to think of a world without him. One where they'd never met. One where he had lost Sejanus, perhaps in that very arena that he designed now for others to live and die through the horrors he inflicted upon them. One where somehow they hadn't taken this step together and realised the truth depths of their feelings for one another, which had only grown in the years they'd been together since. He paused for a moment, glancing down at him as Sejanus made his declaration that only death itself would make him leave him. Perhaps that should be a comfort but his stomach tightened as Sejanus mentioned the possibility that he himself might kill him one day. Did he really think that was possible? That he would raise a hand against Sejanus and harm him with such finality? He was certain that Sejanus knew what he had gone to Highbottom and most recently to Gaul, but it wasn't something they had ever discussed. If Sejanus wanted to turn a blind eye, he couldn't begrudge him that. Besides, it only would have caused a fight between them and the less Sejanus knew, the better. If the Peacekeepers ever came knocking, he could deny all knowledge. "Do you really think there could ever be a possibility where I would kill you?" Coriolanus asked quietly, needing to know the answer. "I could never lose you Sejanus. You are my centre, my everything." He pressed his lips together, feeling the burn of tears at just the thought of Sejanus' death. He couldn't survive that. He wouldn't survive that. Sejanus was the centre of his entire world and if he wasn't there anymore, he knew he would spiral and eventually just collapse. Perhaps taking half of Panem down with him in his descent into madness. "If someone ever harmed a hair on your head, I would kill them. I would kill their family. I would flatten their fucking District to the ground." No one would be safe from his wrath. With Sejanus gone, whatever goodness that might linger within him would be buried for good.

[foxounderscorecube]

Shatter Me - Tahereh Mafi

3¼ ⭐

CW: SA and stuff that could maybe be triggering if you have an ED

I feel kind of unsure how to rate this. Essentially, the story itself didn't do much for me, but I found it really compelling - I wanted to keep reading it and I was a bit disappointed to come to the end.

I love the writing style. I think it does very well at bringing the reader into the chaos and intensity of Juliette's mind as a traumatised, terrified teenager, and the writing becomes more or less frantic with her emotions. Oddly, there is a note at the start of the book explaining this narrative technique, which I can't blame the writer for because it's just as, if not more, likely to have been the publisher's idea. Bit of a shame, though - like explaining the punchline to a joke. Nonetheless, I think that's what drew me in to the narrative: the way that Juliette's feelings are expressed is lovely and makes her feel more human.

The romance with Adam was okay. I think it's a bit weird that he found out he could touch her unharmed because he was caressing her in her sleep when she was having nightmares, but his feelings for her come off as sincere. I think she genuinely loves him but sometimes I couldn't help but think that surely, affection from nearly anyone will feel amazing and that could make her think she's in love even if she isn't. I mean, you only have to look at her weirdly conflicting emotions towards War Criminal Warner to see that.

Ah, yes, War Criminal Warner. He's a pervert and a pathetic nepotism baby and likes to kill people for fun. He turns up to be emotionally abusive and sexually inappropriate towards Juliette, intending on grooming her into his weapon/consort. She inexplicably still thinks he's hot. Sometimes, it feels like this book is resisting the urge to become Baby's First Dark Romance and go down his route. Towards the end, when she and Adam have escaped and later get caught, Warner has found out he can also touch her without being hurt, and so starts being even more handsy than usual. She spots a gun in his inside coat pocket and decides to go with it despite her discomfort just long enough to get the gun and shoot him, which is a bit of a girlboss move. So he's making out with her and picking her up by the arse and all this and she starts off being "ew yucky nasty Warner, this isn't my One and Only True Love Adam" and then thinks "…actually, I'm kinda into this". What??? I know that sort of thing is a trope in dark romance as a genre, but that is one of the reasons I do not read dark romance. The whole "this is sexual assault but actually I like it" thing is just gross to me. If you're into it as a fantasy and within the constrains of fiction, I can't stop you, but it's not my cup of tea at all. Although I see how Adam can be viewed as a bit bland (he is), Warner is, like, bland with a bit of black pepper. I have a soft spot for pathetic men and for crazy sadistic characters, albeit typically not in romance, but he's just not very sexy about it. He's just a bit sad, to me. I don't care if his eyes are light green or whatever.

Juliette is incredibly horny in general. It's kind of funny sometimes. She'll experience the most traumatising shit you can think of and then Adam will touch her arms and she'll be like "oh YEAH babey". To be fair, though, she is the most touch-starved person of all time, so maybe that's not that weird.

This isn't a criticism, but a thing I noticed that I found strange. So, Juliette has been given maybe one small meal a day for the best part of a year, and presumably must be terribly underweight and look like she's on death's door. Even after eating normally for a couple of weeks, she's probably not looking exactly healthy. That's whatever in itself, that's just the nature of being imprisoned in an inhumane asylum. But there're consistent reminders of how tiny and little and small Juliette is that… well, it kind of gave me the ick. Look, I've got a height complex three times my size, so I'm not a fan of big height differences personally. I don't want to feel even shorter than I am. But with the context meaning she's probably very very skinny and frail as well, it made me a bit uncomfy. I don't know if this is just a straight woman thing that I don't get, a romance trope that I wouldn't have come across, or if the writer has a mild macro/micro kink that's coming through or what, which is why, even if I didn't like it, I don't mean it as critique. It just stood out to me.

The ending left more questions than answers because it's part of a series. That's fair. Still, I like that she found a community with other people with powers similar to hers. I think that's cool. I don't know if I'll read the other books, though. I'm kind of happy imagining that she lived safe and happily with Adam and it's all okay now, but then it was a fun book to read even if my review probably comes across as miserable so hey, we'll see!

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

Aww, John, do you think you could write another little thing for Will and Phileas? I miss them!

I miss them too, and I really need to get back to work on my fic, but life has been weirdly busy lately and it's like, wait, what???

But, in the meantime, here's a little something after Phileas was out of in during the fourth episode.

Warning: implied drugging but not outright said (Phileas doesn't know at this point, and Will doesn't want to tell him just yet)

On with the fic!

--

"How are you feeling exactly?" Will asked as he stepped into the room, finding Phileas inside, just finishing with getting his cravat in place.

Phileas, upon returning to the little village after speaking with the lieutenant, decided that he really, really needed a good bath. He had felt disgusting, covered in old sweat and it stuck to him something terrible. Luckily, their host was gracious enough to have something ready, it was a thank you of sorts for what he did, just a bonus to her other gift of helping them get what they needed for their next stretch of the journey, just as she promised.

Once he had bathed, he had decided he was just going to dress himself, which was for the best, Passepartout seemed a bit... distant. And he couldn't really ask the others for help, he didn't want to impose.

He turned to face Will, seeing him leaning on the doorway, watching with a thoughtful expression, he looked worried. "I'm quite alright, William. Still a bit strange, like my muscles were overworked."

"Well, you were thrashing about, and in intense pain."

"It was like a terrible fever, if I am to be honest. I don't remember much of anything, but I remember being too hot and everything hurting." Phileas frowned. "I also remember a cow."

This seemed to make Will snort a laugh and Phileas raised an eyebrow. "No. You can't be serious."

"You, uh," Will coughed, trying to hide a smile behind his hand, "you were singing to the cow."

"Oh no...!"

"I think your fevered condition made you a little loopy."

"Clearly..." Phileas felt so embarrassed! It was bad enough that he had apparently insulted the lieutenant, now he went and made a total ass out of himself by singing to a cow?! And Will saw, apparently, oh dear Lord...

"What exactly do you remember from last night, Phileas?" Will asked, walking up to him, then gently guided him to sit on the bed.

Phileas frowned, toying with a lock of hair. "I... remember having a meal with the lieutenant, and then as I was talking... things seemed to get strange. I don't remember much, I apparently had punched Passepartout and spun Aziraphale around in the courtyard like we were ballroom dancing!"

He only knew that last bit because Ms. Crowley had told him, Aziraphale was too polite to bring it up.

"And then things were very blurry and colorful, and warm. I was very warm. And the cow was there, and we had such a lovely conversation!"

"What else?" Will asked, he looked conflicted, like he wanted to ask something specific but he held back.

"I... I think I was brought back here, and that things got worse, and frightening. I remember drinking something foul tasting, and there was a storm, yes? I wasn't imagining that?"

"Yes, there was a storm."

"Everyone was there, I think. Watching me. And then... I woke up here. And felt better, still dreadful, but my mind was so much clearer." Phileas looked at Will, he still looked trouble. "What's wrong? Had I done something in my fevered state? Did I say something?"

He tensed up at that last question, then put on a smile. "No, you didn't say much of anything coherent at all. At least nothing worth repeating."

That... wasn't a clear answer, but maybe it was wise not to ask for clarity?

"I am happy to be feeling better." Phileas said instead. "I don't want to go through that again, I wonder what happened."

"Could be anything, really." Will shrugged. "Might have caught a nasty bit of sickness while on the trip that didn't hit until we go here. Sunstroke, maybe? Or an allergic reaction to something?"

"Goodness, those all sound terrible."

"Yep." Will stood up. "I'll leave you to finish getting dressed, we should be able to set out soon, just have to make sure we've got all the supplies we need." He said it like it was an excuse to leave, and then Will was out the door.

Phileas sighed, everyone seemed on edge around him today, what exactly happened last night? What had he done?

What did he say?

[autistichalsin]

If you don't mind, there's some things I want to add here-

Oof. I wouldn't talk to my lover like this, and I don't know that I'd stay with someone who talked to me like that. I also want to note that I think you only get the cute, bragging "I love Halsin" lines to say to the other companions at the party if you call him an ass here first. Thanks, I hate it. I wish it was something more along the lines of:

I always took the "don't be an ass" part as something that was supposed to be playful; partners can/do playfully insult each other at times.

You don't have to say this line to get the solomanced ending, though; "I do, trust me" also gets you that, as far as I know. I think the flags are the same.

I know in the epilogue he's still surprised Tav chose him, and I'm trying to figure out why, and why he didn't throw out Tav accompanying him as an option. I get that a lot of people he loved/cared about didn't stay in life, but none of them left him voluntarily. His parents, the archdruid before him, and his peers died to either illness or the shadow curse. Thaniel's absence is only temporary if you lift the shadow curse, and the only reason he "left" in the first place was because he was trapped by the curse.

It's two things, I think; yes, he has lost people involuntarily, but he also has quite a lot of self esteem issues, and those are more what's feeding his anticipatory distancing here.

It would've made way more sense to me if he had a little freak out after falling in love with Tav and having the realization that the person he loves could turn into an illithid thrall. They would be gone, and he might have to kill what's left if they tried to eat his or someone else's brain. Also, it would absolutely be horrific to watch Tav go through ceremorphosis. Having a mind flayer parasite isn't the same as being sick, but it is a physical affliction that Halsin can't fix. He's weirdly positive that they'll find a cure, and they never do (at least not in the sense of medication or surgery).

I don't necessarily agree with this given how supportive Halsin is to a mindflayer partner. He says himself he can look past the form to the spirit within.

It also would've made sense if he had a bit of a breakdown if Tav asks for one last kiss before the final battle starts ramping up. Things are getting stupid dangerous, and this has historically been when his friends start dying. But, nope he's still super calm here too and optimistic that they'd live (although after their night together, he admits he didn't dare believe they'd actually survive).

I connected those two events in a slightly different way; he IS having that freakout internally. He doesn't think they'll survive. But he knows Tav needs encouraging, so he acts optimistic and encouraging for Tav, whose need is greater than his own.

I'm not sure if they did the whole, "I'm going to ride off into the sunset, but watch the horizon for you everyday," thing to add some drama, but it feels out of place considering these other options. If Tav was going to "leave" it would've been due to the parasite or not surviving the battle. In the epilogue, those dangers have passed. If anything, it's at this part of the story where he should've felt most secure in their relationship because he's never had someone leave him "just because."

I think it was meant to show where Halsin was emotionally- where he loved you but was SO caught up in his new purpose that it was his priority. Halsin is a person who intensely needs a sense of purpose to thrive, perhaps even more than he needs love/partnership. But they went too far with it and made him look uninterested entirely, which I don't think was the intent.

I will point out that you have a breakup option for all the characters, so it isn't ENTIRELY unfounded for Halsin to think he might be getting left here, too. (Also, we don't know for sure that no one has left him "just because" before; the ones we see him talk about left him due to death etc, but we don't KNOW there haven't been others, either. It could go either way.)

I have feelings towards solo-romanced Halsin's ending/epilogue.

Halsin and Tav celebrate all night, and in the morning Halsin starts throwing out mixed signals. He's leaving to take care of the kids that were orphaned after the netherbrain fight and doesn't give any indication that he wants Tav to go with him, but it also doesn't sound like his feelings for Tav have changed.

I would've been (1) confused by the lack of an option to go with him, (2) hurt because this sounds like a break-up speech (like a "we shouldn't be together anymore, but let's stay friends" type thing), and (3) concerned that something's wrong because he's otherwise been a very good communicator up until this point.

It looks like originally going with him wasn't even an option (which was a weird choice to offer him as a love interest, but not give players a way to stay with him at the end of the game), and when that was patched in, they did it in the meanest way they could. Tav's line is:

Visit as soon as I can? Don't be an ass, Halsin. I'll come with you right now.

Oof. I wouldn't talk to my lover like this, and I don't know that I'd stay with someone who talked to me like that. I also want to note that I think you only get the cute, bragging "I love Halsin" lines to say to the other companions at the party if you call him an ass here first. Thanks, I hate it. I wish it was something more along the lines of:

Why can't I go with you?

Either option could've led to (most) of Halsin's dialog that followed.

But what about all that you'll miss out on? Your name will be feted in this city - there will be parades, medals, feasts, hands to be shaken, babies to be kissed…are you truly sure.

I know in the epilogue he's still surprised Tav chose him, and I'm trying to figure out why, and why he didn't throw out Tav accompanying him as an option. I get that a lot of people he loved/cared about didn't stay in life, but none of them left him voluntarily. His parents, the archdruid before him, and his peers died to either illness or the shadow curse. Thaniel's absence is only temporary if you lift the shadow curse, and the only reason he "left" in the first place was because he was trapped by the curse.

It would've made way more sense to me if he had a little freak out after falling in love with Tav and having the realization that the person he loves could turn into an illithid thrall. They would be gone, and he might have to kill what's left if they tried to eat his or someone else's brain. Also, it would absolutely be horrific to watch Tav go through ceremorphosis. Having a mind flayer parasite isn't the same as being sick, but it is a physical affliction that Halsin can't fix. He's weirdly positive that they'll find a cure, and they never do (at least not in the sense of medication or surgery).

It also would've made sense if he had a bit of a breakdown if Tav asks for one last kiss before the final battle starts ramping up. Things are getting stupid dangerous, and this has historically been when his friends start dying. But, nope he's still super calm here too and optimistic that they'd live (although after their night together, he admits he didn't dare believe they'd actually survive).

I'm not sure if they did the whole, "I'm going to ride off into the sunset, but watch the horizon for you everyday," thing to add some drama, but it feels out of place considering these other options. If Tav was going to "leave" it would've been due to the parasite or not surviving the battle. In the epilogue, those dangers have passed. If anything, it's at this part of the story where he should've felt most secure in their relationship because he's never had someone leave him "just because."