#i'm giving happy stuff but this all hurts in hindsight

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Private equity rips off its investors, too

I'm coming to DEFCON! TOMORROW (Aug 9), I'm emceeing the EFF POKER TOURNAMENT (noon at the Horseshoe Poker Room), and appearing on the BRICKED AND ABANDONED panel (5PM, LVCC - L1 - HW1–11–01). On SATURDAY (Aug 10), I'm giving a keynote called "DISENSHITTIFY OR DIE! How hackers can seize the means of computation and build a new, good internet that is hardened against our asshole bosses' insatiable horniness for enshittification" (noon, LVCC - L1 - HW1–11–01).

It's amazing how many of the scams that have devastated our economy and everyday people owe their success to the fact that we assume that rich people know what they're doing, so if they're doing something, it must be real.

Think of how many people lost everything by gambling on junk bonds, exotic mortgage derivatives, cryptocurrency and web3, because they saw that the largest financial institutions in the world were going all-in on these weird, incomprehensible bets.

Then there are the people who are convinced that online advertising is built around a mind-control ray, because tech companies claim that's what they have ("I am an evil dopamine-loop-hacking wizard and I can sell anything to anyone!"), and because huge, sober blue-chip companies hand billions to these soi dissant svengalis. Sure, online ads are a swamp of clickfraud and garbage, but would these super smart captains of industry spend so much on online advertising if it didn't work super-well?

http://pluralistic.net/HowToDestroySurveillanceCapitalism

From our worms'-eye-view here on the ground, it's easy to assume that rich people and the people who sell them stuff are all on the same side. "If you're not paying for the product, you're the product," right? If Facebook is tormenting you with surveillance advertising, it must be doing so on behalf of the surveillance advertisers, for whom Mark Zuckerberg has bottomless reservoirs of honest, forthright impulses.

The reality is simultaneously weirder, and obvious in hindsight. The reason Zuck is tormenting you is that he's a remorseless sociopath who doesn't care who he hurts. He rips off everyone he can rip off, and that includes advertisers, who have seen steady price-hikes and lower-fidelity targeting, even as ad-fraud has skyrocketed while Facebook draws down its anti-fraud spending:

https://www.404media.co/where-facebooks-ai-slop-comes-from/

This is not to say that Facebook advertisers have your best interests at heart, that they aren't engaged in active deception in order to better themselves at your expense. Rather, it's to say that there's no honor among thieves, and Zuck is an equal-opportunity predator. Moreover, both Zuck and his advertisers are credulous dolts, so the mere fact that they are pouring money into something (advertisers: FB ads; Zuck: metaverse) it doesn't follow that these are real or important or the coming thing.

For me, the Ur-example of "rich people are dumb, even when it comes to money" is the private equity sector. I've written a lot about PE, and how destructive it is to the real economy, from Toys R Us to pet grooming:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/08/05/rugged-individuals/#misleading-by-analogy

How they killed Red Lobster:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/05/23/spineless/#invertebrates

And how they actually created the death panels that Sarah Palin warned us about (it's OK, though: these death panels are run by the efficient private sector, not government bureaucrats):

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/26/death-panels/#what-the-heck-is-going-on-with-CMS

The devastating effect of private equity on the real economy is increasingly well understood, and a curious side-effect of this is that people assume that if PE is destroying their lives, they must be doing so on behalf of their investors, who are making bank.

But – like Zuck – PE bosses are just as happy to steal from their investors as they are to to steal from the workers and customers of the businesses they acquire on those investors' behalf. They swaddle this theft in performative complexity and specialized jargon, but when you strip all that away, you find more fraud.

All the misery that PE inflicts on workers, communities and customers are just a convincer in a Big Store con, a bid to make the scam seem credible. For a certain kind of investor, any economic activity that destroys communities and workers' livelihoods must be a good bet. This is the dynamic at work in the pitch of AI image-generator companies, who spend tens of billions on technology that there is no substantial market for:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/07/25/accountability-sinks/#work-harder-not-smarter

AI image generators represent a high-profile, extremely visible example of "a job that AI can do." Nevermind that AI illustration went from a novelty to a tired cliche in less than a year. Even if you think that AI illustrations are a perfect substitute for commercial illustrations, that still won't come anywhere near making AI companies a profit. Add up the entire wage bill for every commercial illustrator in the world, hand it to Open AI, and you're not even gonna cover the kombucha budget for Open AI's staff kitchens.

Hell, all the wages of every commercial illustrator that ever lived won't pay back even a fraction of the money the AI companies spent on image generators. The pauperization of an entire class of creative workers is just a canned demo, a way to fool investors into thinking that there is a whole universe of similarly situated workers whose wages can be diverted to AI companies. This is the logic of small-time spammers, scaled up to the scale of the entire S&P 500. Smalltime spammers looked at AI and thought, "OK, I can generate as much botshit as I want on demand for free. Science fiction magazines pay $0.10/word. So if I generate a billion words, I'll get $100 million." But that's not how any of that works: sf magazines don't buy botshit, and even if they did, the entire market for short fiction adds up to what Sam Altman spends on a single designer t-shirt. The point of destroying these beloved, useful things isn't to make a lot of money by taking their markets – it's to convince dopey, panicked rich people to give you lots of money you can steal, because they think you can do this to every market and they don't want to miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/15/passive-income-brainworms/#four-hour-work-week

Take "divi recaps": after a private equity firm acquires a company (by borrowing money against its assets), it typically declares a "special dividend," emptying out the company's cash reserves and pocketing them. A "divi recap" is when PE then takes out another massive loan against the company's (remaining) assets and pockets that:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/17/divi-recaps/#graebers-ghost

All of this happens under an opaque cloud, thanks to the light-to-nonexistent disclosure rules for PE. A public company has to open its books for the SEC, its investors, and the world. PE is private – and so are its finances. It is absolutely routine for PE bosses to put their spouses, kids, and pals on the payroll and hand them millions for doing little to nothing, all at the expense of their investors:

https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2022/02/sec-set-to-lower-massive-boom-on-private-equity-industry.html

PE bosses charge huge fees to their investors – not merely the usual 2-and-20 (2% of the funds under management and 20% of any profits) – but also a wide variety of special one-off fees that pile to the sky. They also dip into their investors' funds to issue themselves massive loans that they use to make side-bets, without telling the investors about it:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/02/10/monopoly-begets-monopoly/#gary-gensler

PE investors are chickens ripe for the plucking: take "continuation funds," which allow PE bosses to soak the rich people and pension funds who supply them with billions:

https://news.bloomberglaw.com/mergers-and-acquisitions/matt-levines-money-stuff-buyout-funds-buy-from-themselves

Remember 2-and-20? 2% of all the money you manage, every year, and 20% of all the profits. You'd think that these would be somewhat zero sum, right? If you use some of your investors' cash to buy a company, and then sell off that company for a profit, you get the 20%, but now the pot of money you're managing has gone down by the amount you used to buy the company, and so your 2% carry goes down, too.

But what if you sell your portfolio companies to yourself, using your investors' own money? When you do that, you continue to hold the company on your PE firm's books, meaning you continue to get the 2% carry, and you can pocket 20% of the sale price as a "profit":

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/20/continuation-fraud/#buyout-groups

This is straight-up fraud, wrapped up in so much jargon that it can successfully masquerade as "financial engineering" ("financial engineering" is really just a euphemism for "fraud"). PE bosses keep coming up with new, exotic ways to steal from their investors. The latest scam is "tax receivable agreements":

https://archive.ph/RczJ9

On its face, this is a tax scam. When a company goes public, early investors generally hold stock in the original partnership or LLC; this company ends up holding a ton of shares in the new, public company. When they sell those non-public shares in the LLC, this creates a (potentially gigantic) tax credit.

A TRA hustle involves tracking down these LLC shareholders and convincing them to sign off on dumping the LLC's shares, which generates a huge tax credit for the public company. The hustler offers to split these credits with the LLC holders.

All of this is especially attractive to PE bosses, who often take a company private, do a bunch of "financial engineering" and then take it public again, leaving the PE firm as the owner of those LLC shares that can be converted to a TRA and a huge windfall – which the PE bosses pocket, because they (not their investors) are holding those credits.

This scam is really doing big numbers. KKR – the monsters who killed Toys R Us – just diverted $650 million in TRA loot, prompting a lawsuit from Steamfitters union pension fund, which had handed these jerks millions of its members' money to gamble with:

https://archive.ph/kqQvI

This highlights another very weird aspect of the PE scam: they are absolutely dependent on pension funds. To add insult to injury, PE funds are notorious union-busters – they use union money to buy companies and destroy their unions:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/05/mr-gotcha/#no-ethical-consumption-under-capitalism

People who try to understand the PE business model often give up, because it seems to make no sense, leading many to assume that they're too unsophisticated to grasp the complex financials here. For example, PE is absolutely dependent on massive loans as a way of looting its businesses, but it also often defaults on those loans. Why do banks and investors keep making huge loans to PE deadbeats? Because – like the PE fund investors – they are credulous dolts.

The reason PE seems like a scam is that it is a scam. It is a fractal scam – every part of it is a scam. You might have heard about the "carried interest" tax loophole that allows PE bosses to avoid billions in taxes on the money they steal from their investors, creditors, workers and customers. Most people assume "carried interest" has something to do with "interest" on a loan. Nope: "carried interest" is a 16th century nautical tax rule designed for mercantalist sea-captains who had an "interest" in the cargo they "carried":

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/29/writers-must-be-paid/#carried-interest

But rich people and other "sophisticated investors" (like pension fund investment managers) are no smarter than the rest of us. They are herd animals. When they see other rich people piling into some scheme or asset class, they rush to join them, which makes the asset price go up, which makes them think they're smart (until the inevitable rug-pull). When one plute jumps off the Empire State Building, the rest of them jump, too.

Which is why there's more money flooding into PE than at any time in history, $2.62T in "dry powder," handed over to greedy, thieving PE bosses in a poker game where everyone is the sucker at the table:

https://www.institutionalinvestor.com/article/2di1vzgjcmzovkcea8f0g/portfolio/private-equitys-dry-powder-mountain-reaches-record-height

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/08/08/sucker-at-the-table/#clucks-definance

[swearyshera]

Unused ideas

My notes app had so many different ideas that didn't make it onto the blog, so I thought I'd put them here and talk about why they didn't get included. A little 'bonus content', if you will.

They're in no particular order, just how they were when I opened it.

Catra sorry but afraid to commit. Adora also afraid This was a bit too general to make it into a particular scene, but I did like the idea that they're both afraid to take that big step and ask for/accept love. I think it got touched on, but I couldn't really find a good opportunity to outright say that.

Adora has nothing real. Catra in heart: I finally know what's real, it's me and you. One of numerous rejected ideas for the Heart scene. The notion of Adora not having anything real (Angella not really being her mom, Light Hope not really being a proper guide, She-Ra not even really being the hero she expected) was a cool idea, but I covered it back at the beginning of season 5 and it just wasn't a strong enough motivation to carry through to the finale.

Mara: You're afraid of being hurt. Adora: Course I'm fucking afraid, I got hurt before This was from the 'you're worth more than what you can give to other people' scene. I loved these lines, but by the time I got to that scene, it was clear the story was about so much more than just admitting her feelings to Catra, it was about the idea of allowing herself a happy life in general.

Dryl is like IKEA If I hadn't thought this up after the episode that took place in Dryl, I would have absolutely done this. We just never went back.

Finale is Catra proposing for real - I can't live without you/A world without you is no world/Love yourself because I do/What's the point in creating a world where you can be yourself if you aren't there too? Various rejected lines and ideas for that 'don't you get it' scene. They just weren't as good as what you ended up seeing.

This is the point of you - to love and to be loved. That's all any of us ever asked This one was also for that scene, and played on Adora's repeated asking of "What's the point of me". It's a great line in isolation, but it didn't fit with the others around it

Wanna fuck?/I've gotta save the universe first We ended up with a toned-down version of this, because there's undercutting the tension and there's undercutting the tension. Yup, there are even times where I reject the cruder lines!

Entrapta has a birth mark. Hordak knows. Another one on the slightly cruder side, but I couldn't really find a place that this worked. Maybe next time...

(On Prime's ship) Glimmer accuses Catra of being like SW and that's why Catra decides to help. "You're not perfect yourself, Princess"/"Wow, you can tell Shadow Weaver raised you" In hindsight, this just looks like it's unnecessarily harsh. I get what I was aiming for, a point of reflection for Catra that she may be going down the wrong path, but now I look back, I'm glad I didn't include this.

Corridors - Glimmer: It would be nice if you apologised for being a bitch to me/Catra: That would imply I'm sorry about it This one would have fit a lot better than the above idea, but the two of them bickering whilst fighting was funnier.

And that's the unused stuff! Would you have liked to see it in the blog? Happy that it didn't happen? Let me know!

[enruiinas]

PSA: What I've Learned About Roleplaying (& what I look for in a RP partner/interactions)

Between an overdue blog cleanup, talking with @climatact, and coming up on a year of roleplaying in general today, I've been thinking on some stuff I've learned or wish I'd done differently from the beginning, so this is kind of a general PSA on some things I've learned that do and don't work for me in RP this year.

♥ In hindsight, I probably DO NOT already ship it. (Y'all know the psa that goes around. I used to like rb'ing this one too but boy, have I learned about some ships I really wish I had not learned about.) I like shipping, but have definitely discovered I can't and don't want to ship just for the sake of it. I'm going to blame this on my aroace-ness, but I really can't even bring myself to take on/entertain a ship now unless it's with a mun I have a decent ooc connection with (meaning we talk a fair bit). This has become every bit as important as muse chemistry.

♥ Along the same lines, I know this is not everyone's vibe (and that is NOT a bad thing), but for me, wanting to write with someone and wanting to be their friend go pretty much hand-in-hand. If I've followed you, it's because I want to write with you and chat OOC, whether that's just about our muses/threads or we hit it off and find ourselves talking about anything/everything. I know this isn't what everyone's here for, but I've realized it's a big part of the experience for me.

♥ Communication is really key for me. (And I will go ahead and disclaimer this with: this is something I have definitely had to learn/get better at myself throughout the year. I'm still not the absolute best, but I'm trying, and when I do talk about things when I'm in my bad headspace, it always helps me so I'm trying to be better about it.)

It's my BIGGEST FEAR in the rpc that I might be someone's "that person" - like... you're not feeling our stuff and angsting about it/it's preventing you from having your best rp experience here. Please please please do not ever let me be this person to you. I would so much rather you just tell me "this isn't working for me" or that you'd like to drop something than worry about it. (Or, hell, do not feel guilty about breaking mutuals if you're leaning that way. This is your RP experience and you should do what you feel is best for you and even if my feelings get hurt, I promise I'm gonna be okay. <3 Just... don't ever feel guilty about anything regarding me, that's the idea.)

♥ That said, though, I have a couple of notes on dropped interactions. I am 110% serious when I tell you I don't mind dropped threads. If our first few things don't take off, that's no reason we can't keep trying.

I don't mind dropped threads, but I do put a lot of effort into my replies and I AM attached to/invested in my ongoing interactions. As a result, I do find it difficult to jump into ic interactions with muns who frequently clear things (ongoing things, not unanswered inbox; those I don't even think about) like they just didn't matter. I don't mind if things take a while to reply to! We can have threads going on we only reply to once or twice a year - that seriously doesn't bother me. (And it's why I love having multiple ongoing things.) But I'm also OPEN TO TALKING ABOUT THINGS if an interaction isn't a vibe for you. I'm happy to restart, backtrack to an earlier point in the thread and change things up, all of that. If you loved it and now you don't and you want to talk about why, there's no reason to be shy about that! Either we end up talking through it or we don't and decide to drop it, it's not a big deal. I'd just like to give things their best change before just deciding "I'm not feeling it" if at all possible.

[bluehairmisfit]

Look okay yall are allowed, expected, even encouraged to ignore everything below the upcoming readmore. I'm only posting this here because I need to rant somewhere that isn't a brick wall, and I don't feel like dumping this in a vent channel for a school club.

(cw friendships and endings, anger, irritation, the things that come along with being autistic around people, etc. Abuse/trauma mentions. Talk of being a shitty friend/shitty person. All that good stuff. Lots of self-deprecation.)

I'm pissed off. I'm not showing it externally because there's just no fucking point to that but I want to do SOMETHING about it at this point and journaling it isn't enough anymore okay. I'm fucking irritated.

Like lemme start off with my high school crush. I have a friend who rants about his high school crush and I'm happy to listen, don't get me wrong, but I so badly want to rant back about mine because I thought we were friends and this person just kinda faded out of my life. And I'm irritated because I reached out and I tried to ask what I did wrong because I'm still very sure it was something I did. I have no clue what. The message containing the plea for information got no response, so I still don't know what I did, but it warranted whispering and pointing and I know that realistically I don't want to be friends or partners with someone like that but it still hurts in my chest when I think about it too hard, so I just have to try really fucking hard not to think of that person, as if I get a fucking choice in it.

And then there's my up-til-recently best friend. Like. There was a lot of shit that went wrong there on both fucking sides. I know this. Painfully-fucking-aware of the role I played. Because admittedly, I did something pretty similar to what my ex-crush did. We had an argument, and neither of us reached out. The thing is that we were both fucking HORRIBLE for each other and I could not do the things this friend wanted me to do without changing a lot of who I am as a person and how I naturally relate to people. I thought for the past two years that I was just an overall bad friend, and in hindsight, I was a bad friend to this specific person. But I have different friends that really like how I perform friendship.

So why the fuck would I sit there breaking someone else and being broken when I could just accept that things would not work out? It's not like I fully withdrew; I didn't break the DM silence, no, but I still liked and shared posts that this friend posted. I still tried in my own way because I was holding out hope that maybe we'd shift to acquaintances for a while and be able to try again later once we both had grown.

IT IS FULLY ON ME FOR NOT COMMUNICATING THIS DESIRE. I'm not saying it's not. But I talked about it in therapy, and I built the skills I would need to have this conversation, and every time I thought I was ready, I saw, vividly, intrusively, how it was likely to end.

And it's definitively, exceptionally selfish of me to say this.

But I decided I'd rather take advantage of the moot point we were at and just let shit happen, for better or worse.

Than to have to speak how I was feeling. And have it out in the open. And hear for the thousandth time what a terrible, shitty friend and person I am.

BUT MORE THAN THAT, the fucking CORE of why I'm pissed off has less to do with either of them (FUCK MICROSOFT FOR JUST GIVING ME A POPUP ABOUT PICTURES SAVED THAT SHOW ME AND MY HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH BTW. FUCK YOU).

The core of why I'm pissed off goes back to my fucking abuser, as everything seems to. Because that's the bitch that got me masking so hard in the first place for the sake of safety and survival and I'm pissed off that I ever fucking had to do that at all. Bullying contributed, yes, but she played such a major role in taking what was already stress-fracturing and just smashed it in finally.

Like I've changed so much about myself over the years, to the point that for a good chuck of late-middle to early-high school, I was a shell of a person. At some point I felt like I was waking up and seeing the people around me in a completely different way. I interacted with my siblings and learned about them as if I'd been away for years and just came back to fully-fledged tweens and teens.

I suppressed and changed and fucking. Ignored the idea of boundaries. To the point that honestly, now-ex-bestie was screwed over by all of this. Because when we became friends I was still so much more broken than I am today and he helped a lot but when shit went wrong it went SO wrong. And I never got the hang of boundaries or communication with him and I don't know why exactly I didn't feel safe but I didn't and I don't think that's entirely his fault.

But like. She fucked me up. I don't know a better way to say it.

And what actually pisses me off, the core thought that led to this entire, rambling, pain-in-the-ass blog post is the idea that I've changed myself so many times and I tried so hard to be what I thought people wanted me to be and I can't do that. I can't continue to do that because I'm fucking miserable, and aside from my partner and the remaining QPP that I haven't pushed away yet somehow, I have maybe three other friends who see me being myself, even as terrified as I was when that started, and embraced that person.

I'm rediscovering things about myself that I hadn't seen or remembered in years, and I'm becoming closer to my core self over time, and I value that greatly, but it should not have taken this much pain and suffering, whether that I've given or received, to get to this point. And I hate it and I regret the shit I've done but I just want to grow from this and move on and my stupid fucking brain sees tiny things and overreacts to them.

So I should be doing homework but instead I'm sitting on Tumblr, writing some fucking blog post trying to excuse everything I've done, to myself and others, to get to this point as if the ends could ever justify the means.

And I said I didn't really want people to read it but that's a lie. I'm just scared that people will finally tell me how terrible of a person I've been for the past 24 years. And confirm every bad thought I've ever had about myself. Because for every part of me that believes I've never deserved it, there's at least one part that believes I earned every single scar that exists on my body and mind.

[dorefasolsido]

34.

Will you answer these questions as personally as you can?

Yup, bring it on.

Why are you happy?

Well who says I am??

Who’s the last person you hugged?

My friend's brother as a goodbye hug.

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot?

Nah. No one has hurt me enough that I'd actually want them dead.

Do you like the song ‘Sick Little Games’ by All Time Low?

I don't think I know it.

Last night you felt?

Great. I went to a gig with my friend and her brother and we had the best time. We should seriously do it more often, not just every few months.

How are you feeling right now?

Pretty much okay.

Are you drifting away from someone you were close with?

I think so, but that's been going on for years.

Is there someone you’d like to fix things with?

Yeah, well, with that person I'm drifting away from.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap?

I sure did.

What are you listening to?

Absolutely nothing.

Have you ever stayed in a hotel?

Yup, just a week ago when I was in Transylvania.

What is in your pocket?

I don't have a pocket on my pajama.

Have a best friend?

Yup.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you?

No, she does stuff without me all the time -- we are over 1000 km apart.

Do you keep any secrets from your best friend?

Probably. It's not out of distrust, it's simply that I don't feel the need to or want to share every single thought in my head with someone. I'm sure she's exactly the same way.

What were you doing 60 minutes ago?

Looking through surveys.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents?

Yeah, probably plenty.

What’s something that can always make you feel better?

BTS and chocolate.

What do you want right now?

To fast forward to the next weekend or go back to yesterday. I don't feel like working.

What would you name your future son?

No clue.

If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Sushi for sure since there's plenty of variety there.

How’s your life lately?

It's actually been not too bad.

***continued sometime later, I suck at answering surveys all at once***

Last person to send you a text?

My best friend.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?

Sleeping.

Did you have a good birthday this year?

No. I mean, I can't say it wasn't fun (I went to my friend's goodbye picnic since she was moving to Germany instead of celebrating), but I just wasn't feeling it at all. It was just a bad day mentally, and I decided not to bother celebrating it this year.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately?

I don't know? Tbh, I'm in a constant state of awkwardness, so I guess at this point I don't find anything particularly embarrassing since my whole existence can feel like that lol

Do you trust easily?

Nope. But I wouldn't say necessarily that I actively distrust people, it's like, I want to see the best in them and I genuinely give everyone a benefit of doubt, but when it comes to stuff like opening up, oof.

Do you like cookies n’ cream ice cream?

Delicious!

How often do you raise your hand in class and answer a question?

Well I'm not in school. I used to do that in elementary school and the first grade of middle school, then I stopped because social anxiety took over and because some kids teased me for being a nerd. In hindsight, that really wasn't so bad, but I didn't want to stand out in any way at all.

Ever been mistaken for someone else, and took it as an insult?

I have been mistaken for someone else, but no. I mean, it happens. Tbh, I've been tempted to just go with it and pretend I really am the person they mistook me for >.>

Would you get a mega bag of skittles, or three regular ones?

Idk, I don't know what the exact difference is.

What color shirt are you wearing?

White.

Is there a boy that would do absolutely everything for you?

Not absolutely everything. Unless I could my dad, but he's not really a boy lol

Did you ever think you had the Swine flu?

Oh my God, this takes me back lol. I don't think I did, but I remember there was this schoolwide paranoia about it, and me and my friend used to go to the bathroom after every single class to wash our hands.

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?

Hmm, not sure. My sister vapes, but she doesn't smoke cigarettes, so I have no idea.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

My sister.

Are you a mean person?

I don't think I'm usually mean, but I have my moments no doubt.

Does anyone hate you?

Maybe. There's one person that comes to mind, but I'm not sure she really hates me. I know I don't hate her, though I'd be pretty justified to.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them?

No, but I should. Generally, I struggle with expressing anger.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yes, because it was no one.

Will this weekend be a good one?

Idk, I have zero plans for it so it's probably just going to be same old boring weekend.

Have you ever liked someone older than you?

Well I've had celebrity crushes older than me, but I haven't exactly properly liked anyone older, I think. Tbh, I've had very few crushes in my life, and most of them I feel were more platonic than anything.

Are you mad at someone right now?

Not really.

[justagalwhowrites]

The whole day, I've been battling myself, trying to decide if reading the chapter was a good idea or if I should wait and read all the BIG ANGST in one go. My curiosity won, but now my heart is hurting so much🥺. I knew it was coming, but one thing is to know it, and another is to read it. When I thought I had this story somehow a bit figured out, you go and throw this curveball. Bestie, you've outdone yourself in the most surprising and heartbreaking way. It was masterful.🤯

The first scene with Laurel talking about Mark in the past tense was proof enough that this chapter would hurt to read, and it did. I'm not even happy I anticipated Joel's past as a raider would come up in the worst moment. I don't want to justify what he did because it was wrong to say the least, but he was grieving and forcing himself not feel anything and care for nothing while surviving. I hope when he and Bambi talk properly she'll be able to understand him. I'm also hoping with every fiber of my being that they'll be a family of four by then.

With every scene, I kept remembering all the little pieces you've dropped in the past chapters (I reread some of those moments. I didn't want to forget anything, lol!). I loved seeing them make sense and start giving some answers. Bambi's interactions with Ellie make so much sense now. It's like I see them in a new color.

Thank you so much for the update! The chapter hurt, but I loved it! I don't want to put any more pressure, but I really want to know what happens next.♥️♥️♥️

Hi Bestieeeeeee ❤️

Yeahhh that's the question with this arc, all at once or as I write it? Because I'll be honest it's making me anxious and I know how it all ends (mostly, some final stuff is still shifting.)

I'm really glad you saw the raider shit coming and I hope others did, too! When I first conceived of Bambi as a character, I just knew that was going to be one of the core conflicts of the fic. She has fallen in love with someone who has done horrible things, things that she has more reasons than most to hate. I will say, Joel never raped anyone. I just don't see him as the type to do that. But he knew it was happening and he sat by and let it happen, even when someone begged him for help. That's going to be very hard for Bambi to work through.

AHHH! I'm so glad things are making even more sense now in hindsight! I really did try to build to this in the fic and I love that it's coming together for you. I love writing twists but I like the twists to make sense and I hope I managed that here.

Thank you thank you thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts, even as shit hurts! Next chapter will be out soon.

Love you!!!

[aspiringsophrosyne]

Episode 12: The Hope Devourer.

Last show of the night, folks. We may be getting new trailers for new shows at some point soon, but we can't be sure for now. Until then, enjoy. And make sure to toss out your snack boxes on the way out.

The Good.

Dreams.

I'm happy to see from the watch along that Sam and Travis appreciate the delivery of "KragHAMMER!" as much as I do. I'm also happy that there was a nod to Kraghammer period; it was their first on-screen town and dungeon.

This series has so far done justice to how Critical Role would lean on dreams to develop atmosphere, character, and plot. Scanlan's is sillier than Pike's, but it's still effective. And it's even a little ominous, despite how weird it is.

The Dragon Chase.

Even if it did eventually shake him off, Grog's stubborn refusal to let go was a fun little roller coaster of a sequence. We get another example of how strong Grog is from it. And we also get a funny bit where the dragon turns Grog into George of the Jungle by dragging him through multiple trees. And then he's still hanging on.

I appreciate that the cast specified they wanted their characters to get badly hurt. In a setting where there's healing magic and incredible danger, that's essential. Otherwise, the audience won't believe anyone can actually die. Grog's crash landing is an example of that done well.

Vax and Scanlan's escape is a neat little nod to, well, stuff in the stream. Throughout that dragon fight, Scanlan repeatedly used his Hand to....fist the dragon's wounds. He made a way out for himself this way...and then described his attacks as such after for flavor. Honestly almost felt bad for the dragon after all that.

Taking Flight.

This next moment is slightly different. While timely intervention from the Matron did help Vax here in the stream, he didn't earn his wings until further down the road. However, this is an excellent example of a change that helps this shorter version of the story. It's an ideal continuation of the payoff to Vax's season-long angst that the last episode's communion initiated just in concept.

But in execution! Vax fully accepting his destiny, the flashback to the blood pool and the threads of life, the inclusion of the Raven from the opening titles (who I was expecting to tie into things but not that soon), and then the absolutely breathtaking sight of Vax's new wings unfurling. All while the music builds up to the show's theme. No notes. No critiques. Everything about it is immaculate. When Scanlan says: "I am so in love with you right now." he speaks for all of us.

The Fight.

Loved seeing Vax zoom around like a bear on cocaine in an acid cavern with a top-notch spooky atmosphere. (The underlighting!) Loved seeing everyone come in after him. Loved how, as Liam points out in the watch along, the fight is moment after moment of Vox Machina jumping in to keep another member from biting it. Loved seeing Umbrasyl's underhanded personality come out in his using Vax as a shield; Matt described him as the "shitty weasel" of the dragons, and this quote from the campaign about sums him up:

"Bravery means nothing. Survival and victory mean EVERYTHING!!"

In hindsight, it was a good call for Vax to point out how the dragons' wrath has touched on all of their pasts in some way. Not only was the stream story longer for its audience, but it was also longer for its characters; the Vestige hunt alone took in-game months. This season's timespan appears to be three or four weeks at the very most.

Months would give the dragons' influence time to reach Westruun, Syngorn, and other places of significance to the protagonists. Here it's all happening so fast that these events seem more meaningful. So the lampshade Vax hangs keeps it from taking us out of the story and ties it into his arc with the Matron. Plus, it's a nice nod to how the Dungeon Master tied everyone's stories into the Conclave so they'd all have stakes in the conflict. 

And it might be a good set-up for some of the weird coincidences in the second campaign...

That was a clever little move having Umbrasyl use Mythcarver's ability to find the other Vestiges. And thus, those who equipped them. Counter to this, it was very satisfying to see Mythcarver used to blast the dragon's eyeball off. Scanlan's call of "Two!" was reminiscent of his bardic abilities that could distract the enemy enough so that they rolled too low to hit an ally. The sword and Scanlan harmonizing only added to the moment, and it was a fun call back to when he first got it. 

I'm sure that joke won't come back to bite Scanlan and Vox Machina in their collective asses. No chance of that. 

That key? The prevailing fan theory is it's the key to a particular mansion. If that's the case, it's great to see it included. And we have more than one mansion in this series; I can't help but wonder how the other will come to be if this is how Scanlan makes his. 

Raishan.

The little montage of other characters is a sweet way to close out the season. Reminds us that this world holds other people besides Vox Machina, and for good or ill, our protagonists had an influence on them, and the world as a whole. Kind of a nice little nod to the stream episode Hope.

Cree. Summer. Kills. It. Dead. Of course, if you've seen any cartoon in the last twenty years, you know this, but it's always good to be reminded. Raishan has an earned arrogance: the countenance of a woman whose holding all the cards and knows it. There's a thick layer of contempt for our heroes and another thicker level under that for the primary target of her ire and machinations. She's evil for sure, but Cree gets across that she knows things: dangerous things. Things our heroes are going to need to know.

The deadliest member of the Conclave has arrived. 

And what has she there to talk about? Something more specific than what she came to talk about in the campaign. Tying the Conclave to Ascension sets some future things up pretty well. We'll see where all that goes from here.  

The Bad. (Or at least, the not-so-great.)

Scanlan.

Again, Scanlan's pushing for them not to fight the dragon, even though he was the first to acknowledge and accept they were fighting Krieg. I'm going to get into this more in another post, but....suffice it to say, that's been a consistently odd choice this season. 

Similarly, this theme about running from problems comes up again. It does fit Scanlan, given his lifestyle, but it still bothers me it's such a prominent story beat this season when it only fits Scanlan from what we've seen. 

And even so, this idea is undercut by how the battle turns out. It's because Scanlan isn't in the fray with everybody else, he's able to first find a temporary hiding spot for the rest of the group and then take advantage of Umbrasyl's distraction to nab Mythcarver and finish him off. I would suspect that this is a deliberate set up for some things down the line....but looking at how things have gone so far I have my doubts. For now it's ambiguously irksome.

Favored Enemy.

I'm disappointed with how they handled Vex having a dragon sense that could pick up on Krieg's deception. It felt cheap. Yes we're going to establish that Vex has this ability....that doesn't work in similar circumstances later in the series. It's like the opposite of a Chekov's Gun.

And they really could've done something interesting with it! Have Vex sense a dragon is nearby. Have her start to freak out, the camera cutting from one person to another as she desperately tries to figure out who it could be. The music get's tenser, everybody else is getting worried for her. She gets more and more desperate....Only for it to be too late: everyone starts to pass out. The interloper has already drugged the rest. 

(Depending on when Raishan made the switch you'd have to move things around so they aren't in the same room before Vex realizes at the end, but I think that effort would've been worth it.)

Even keeping the scene as is, they could've played things a little better. Raishan pointing out how Vex's ability can't detect her implies she's faced many people with similar skills, and she's still standing. It didn't help them take her down. That sets her up as a formiddable opponent. However, I think Raishan's savvy enough to not reveal she knows which one of them has that trick; it'd potentially give away when she was spying on them and who and where she was when she was doing it. If nothing else, I would've changed it so all she reveals is that she believes someone in the group has the ability to sense dragons. 

Nitpicks

I liked that Vestiges became a more focal part of the plot here in the series, but I was a little confused by Ripley and Umbrasyl's plan. The idea was to have their own champions that wielded the legendary equipment for them, right? Didn't they already have that for the Titanstone knuckles with Kevdak? Why not just use that guy instead of stealing the knuckles from him to give to someone else? Did they see him as unreliable? Just didn't like him? It's never stated. 

~*~

Again, Kiki turns into a bird unprompted, recognizing how useful the form would be. (That still bugs me, I'm sorry.)

~*~

While masterfully delivered, Pike's line about Scanlan and Vax's plan seems a little out of place. After all, she didn't even know they had a plan. A line like "They thought that was a good idea!? Go up its ass!?" might've worked better.

~*~

A little sad we couldn't get Shale here. Probably wouldn't have worked, I know. But damn it would've been fun to have Chris Perkins on. 

~*~

No One Down, which was an incredible little moment in the stream that I'm sad we didn't get to see.

"~*~"

Kind of wish they'd done more to establish how fitting Mythcarver is for Scanlan, and how his song powered it up. They can't use the term "bard" and I don't think they want to (meta-gaming)pigeon hole these characters anyway, but leaning a little more into the song/legend/bardic nature of the sword would've made it's incredible attack in response to Scanlan's singing make more sense.

~*~

Just pointing out again that the twin connection could've been better telegraphed before this point so that a moment like this (where Vex can't tell what's going on with Vax) would hold more weight.

That's the end of the season. Now the real fun begins.

Because now we get to put all our evidence together and talk about what's great about The Legend of Vox Machina so far...and what's holding it back from even greater heights. See you soon!

[purlturtle]

5, 12 and 13 for the Meme for Fic Writers

Hi and thanks for asking! :)

5. Share one of your strengths.

Writing emotions! People keep telling me so, and honestly, I agree. I understand emotions, I understand the processes behind stuff that happens in someone's life and the emotions that that can evoke, I can easily put myself into someone else's head and reason/feel through their experiences, and I'm pretty good at putting all of that into words. Probably something to do with being highly sensitive/highly empathic, but who knows.

12. Is there an episode above all others that inspires you just a little bit more?

Besides "the ones that feature Bering and Wells"? Or a specific one out of that group? Hard to say, honestly. I love all of them; the electricity and antagonism of Time Will Tell, the begrudging coming around of For The Team, the rawness of Vendetta, the heartbreak of Buried, the on-the-edge of Reset. Meek-and-humbled Helena in the pokeball. Sassy Helena in the pokeball. The fridge horror of Emily Lake, the wash of peace over Helena's face when she smells apples. Yes, I even love Instinct. It's agonizing but it is very, very human, both for Myka and for Helena. In hindsight, I think what compels me most about Bering and Wells is how close canon brings them together, and how inevitably it yanks them apart again. It compels me to mend all those hurts, to make them not happen, to explain them and make them lead to a happy ending over and over and over. "How can I fix things this time?" motivates practically all of my canon-related/non-AU fics.

13. What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever come across?

Not just writing advice, but advice in general: take it if it works for you, leave it if it doesn't. There's what, eight billion people in this world? There's no way that any one piece of advice can work for all of them. So if you hear something that you think "hey that's cool, that might help me," try it out, see if it does help (give it some time, even, if you're not sure), and then decide for yourself whether to keep it or not. You know your own self best. No one knows yourself better than you do. Remember that scene in "Emily Lake", in the woods? Note how Helena asks how to say goodbye to "the person who knows you better than anyone else" - not the person who knows her better than she knows herself, because that wouldn't be correct. No matter how well Myka knows Helena, Helena will always know herself better than that. So by all means ask yourself "what would Myka do?" or "what would Helena do?" or even "what would Captain Janeway do?", or any other of your favorite characters - but then decide for yourself, if that advice is good and right for you. In terms of writing, write your story, in your style, with your word choices and plot choices and character choices. Pick from others' choices what you like, pick from any writing guide what you like, pick the process that you like. You know best what works for you.

Thank you, those were really good questions to answer!

If anyone else wants a go, the ask post is here.

[smiles-advice]

(TLDR: I need advice getting over a heartbreak that I feel like is entirely my own fault)

Hi, I need some advice but there's no one really I can talk to about this, so is it okay if I ask you?

Almost a year ago now I (20f) had a really bad fight with my best friend and it ended up with me kicking her out of my house and later blocking her. (I handled it badly at the time)

For context I'm really sick/ disabled and out of nowhere she started telling me that it was all in my head and I just wasn't trying hard and all sorts of stuff like that. It was awful but In hindsight I really don't think she understood why what she was saying was as hurtful as it was.. I don't think she really knew what she was doing.

There's a bunch of other context that isn't worth getting into but long story short she was really ableist to me and I couldn't deal with it and got mad and overreacted (I actually ended up calling my dad and he got mad at her too..). It was messy and painful. That's all been and gone now.

The problem is that I did and still do love her and it hasn't gone away in all that time.

In my head I know that she was awful to me about my chronic pain and fatigue and stuff and I know she didn't like me using a wheelchair despite it giving me my life back and there's a whole host of other things. But I can't reconcile that with how she's still my favourite person I've ever met and everything that makes me happy reminds me of her. I could tell you a million things that make her a good person.

It's especially difficult because she's still the person I want to go to for support??? Like so much of what I'm going through with my health right now is so scary and I wish I could talk to her about it.

I tried reaching out to her a couple of months ago to apologise for kicking her out and upsetting her. Like, despite my feelings about how she treated me I genuinely never wanted to hurt her and I regret it more than pretty much anything in my life????

But that went badly. She made it seem like she didn't think she'd done anything wrong (i.e the whole ableism stuff) and I ended up blocking her again. Not exactly my finest moment. I really  messed up 100% would have been better for both of us if I hadn't tried reaching out. No chance in hell of me fixing stuff after that.

But now I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I ruined our friendship over nothing. The pain of not having her in my life is so much worse than anything she said that hurt me. I feel like such an awful person for hurting her, but there's literally nothing I can do to fix that now. I just feel completely heartbroken but since I never told her I loved her it doesn't feel fair to call it a heartbreak. I just feel like I made such a massive mistake.

I don't know if you're able to give me any advice to get over this/ her. (I've thought over what I could have done differently about 5000 times) But I just really needed to ask someone. Idk I just feel like I'm a terrible person rn lol

(I'm really sorry about how vent-y this is as well)

Hello lovey!

First off, I'm so very sorry for how long it's taken me to respond, my heads been a mess, I've been in a manic episode, I'm getting back. Sorry.

Now, all of this advice is just my personal opinion. Take it or leave it.

Personally, I think you're in the right here. I think cutting people off is never easy, especially when they are so close to you, but I think you did well. Blocking them, not engaging, that's the right move. You don't need someone in your life who invalidates you and your health like that.

I personally wouldn't have reached out to them at all, but I can see why you did.

It's gonna be hard to move on. They were important to you, they played a part in your life, and you can't just forget that. It's important to remember that they weren't a good friend to you, that you're better off without them. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

Also, don't apologise for venting. I don't mind!

Hope I've helped, sorry again,

lots of love 💕

[seaprofound]

tumblr thought that they could shut me up with their post text characters per block limit but they were WRONG:

I'm not sure if this happens before or after she's inevitably caught as a spy but, at 13, po creates the first horse, arion, along with all of the other animals that she dreamed about making ever since she was a kid and all that she had to entertain herself with were books and her daydreams.

yeah, that stuff I said about earlier about po creating all of those when she was 10? while she could have easily done so under the right circumstances, she was ultimately not able to on account of her servitude keeping her confined in her father's palace. you need ample space, you see, to create a new living creature—which was a luxury that po could not afford because, although she managed to avoid the same fate as her older siblings, her tiny room with the tinier window that peeked into the sea felt more like a prison than a home. (plus, kronos forbade her from ever stepping outside of the palace grounds, so there was also that.)

"Soon after giving birth to Chiron, Philyra abandoned her child out of shame and disgust." then, this shit happens

po then finds chiron and after realizing that he had been abandoned like she was, she takes pity on him and decides to adopt him (plus, since he was half-horse, she felt partly responsible for his creation in a way)

also, unlike what I originally had in mind, po does not give baby chiron over to the titans for them to raise—nah, fuck that. she has zero reason to do that; she, instead, keeps him and ig you could say becomes a teen mom, asdfghjkl

(I know that I may have had her do that so that she could leave him in the care of koios, the titan of intelligence, and, in turn, have him fill the role that apollo canonically served—but koios gets locked up along with most of his titan brothers once the war is over so ???? from a meta standpoint, such a move would have been pointless. anyways—)

another thing: even tho po was guilty of falling easily for anyone who was nice to her, the thought of getting romantic with anyone—let alone marrying them—terrified her because of two major reasons: 1) lack of self-worth and 2) the fear that her newfound freedom could easily be taken away or smothered by a controlling husband who seeks to undermine her power (which, in hindsight, was not exactly an unfounded fear given how independent female rulers in human history tended to not have happy endings)

because of the lack of security that she felt, po shied away from romance altogether. she shied away from it so much, in fact, the ancient greeks once knew her as the virgin queen of the sea—virgin, in this context, being both in the modern sense (i.e., does not Fuck) and the ancient sense (i.e., independent from men).

it was only after an epic slow-burn romance with her beloved nerites that this ever changed. their love for each other was so great, that it birthed anteros, the god of requited love. nerites was her first love, her time, her first everything. she loved him with all her heart—and the pain of losing him has never fully gone away even after all this time—for a god is cursed with feeling like a mortal does but on a magnified scale.

before her loss, po was a doting aunt. after her loss? the same—but, somehow, even more so. despite her initial woeful inexperience, po has taken an active role in childcare ever since the early days of the titanomachy in which she took upon herself to be a mother to chiron, her then-newborn cousin. po was so involved, in fact, that she was practically like a second mother to many of her nieces and nephews.

she rocked them to sleep, bathed them, healed their hurts and kissed their booboos, taught them how to swim, comforted them when they were sad and offered to absorb their emotional pain—she’s like the jean grey of empaths ngl—brought them gifts even when it wasn’t their birthday or a special occasion.

for specific examples, there's quite a few: po, for example, circumvented hera’s efforts to see to it that leto couldn’t give birth by sheltering leto and her unborn children ( “But by order of Jove [Zeus] the wind Aquilo [Boreas] carried Latona away, and bore her to Neptunus [Poseidon]. He protected her, but in order not to make voice Juno's decree, he took her to the island Ortygia, and covered the island with waves. When Python did not find her, he returned to Parnassus. But Neptunus [Poseidon] brought the island of Ortygia up to a higher position; it was later called the island of Delos.” )

po also personally tutored both athena and hephaestus, treating and loving them as if they were her own.

( the inspo for the first: not many people outside of the greek mythos community knows this but po's son, triton, became athena’s foster father, raising her alongside his own daughter, pallas. since po is the doting type, she likely would have found out about athena sooner or later—especially since she likes to pay her children and their descendants surprise visits—thus, I can see her being intrigued by her and wanting to nurture her mind. as a result, while triton may have been the one who taught the girls the art of war, it was po who tutored them in the creative arts.

the inspo for the second one, on the other hand, came from the fact that the oceanid eurynome and the nereid thetis were the ones who caught hephaestus when he fell from olympus, sheltering him on the volcanic isle of lemnos. since both eurynome and thetis are po’s subjects, I find it reasonable to assume that she would have also become aware of hephaestus sooner or later and, since hephaestus was cast out of olympus for being born lame, she would have sympathized dearly with his circumstances, seeing them as a mirror of what she, herself, had gone through. thus, she wanted to become for him what the elder cyclopes were for her—a mentor. the day that he surpassed her in metalworking was one of the happiest days of her life. although she had—and, to an extent, still does—an inferiority complex that threatened to consume her at times, the last thing that she wants to do is clip the wings of those that are precious to her. she wants her loved ones to soar as high as they can and for them to know that she will always be there to catch them. sappiness aside, hephaestus canonically respected po enough that he was willing to hear her out when she petitioned him to release ares and aphrodite from the golden net, sooooo, there’s also that. )

i'm cooking

since today is apparently a day for ramblings, here are the changes that would be made while shifting from my current canon to the unused au that I wanna make my new canon. for those that may not know (or may not remember since it was a while ago when I first talked about this), I made a post where I mused out loud the possibility of rebooting po by shaking up her backstory. I even created a poll and the majority that voted were all abroad with a backstory update—so, without further ado, here are the changes that I mentioned at the beginning:

current canon!po was swallowed by her father, kronos, much like the rest of her siblings (with the exception of zeus); updated canon!po, on other hand, would have been spared by kronos—which would later turn out to be a cruel mercy—because her runt status caused him to dismiss her as a threat

current canon!po had most of her siblings for company during her imprisonment in her father's stomach; updated canon!po, on the other hand, mostly interacted with the palace servants (partly on account of being a servant, herself albeit one who secretly rebelled by sneaking off to the library in the rare moments that she could catch a break from her work)

current canon!po invented horses—and a whole slew of other animals—about mid-way through the titanomachy; updated canon!po, on the other hand, invented them when she was around 10 years old (which would have been about two years before the titanomachy)

current canon!po learned cooking from the nymphs alongside her eldest sister, hestia; updated canon!po, on the other hand, learned how to cook from the palace kitchen staff at a much younger age—much like current canon!po, though, she did so as a way to help earn her keep

current canon!po's inferiority complex and fear of abandonment would have been exacerbated in updated canon!po's case because kronos told her that her birth parents abandoned her on a mountain for being too weak but that he stumbled upon her, took pity on her, and allowed her to live in his palace—only asking her for her loyalty and gratitude in return

while initially afraid of what her siblings would think, current canon!po was able to come out to them as trans early on in the titanomachy thanks to the love and trust that they had for each other; since updated canon!po grew up essentially loveless, though, it would have taken her longer to find the courage to come out

current canon!po disguised herself as a common servant to infiltrate her father's palace as part of an espionage mission; updated canon!po—though the divine equivalent of a child prodigy since she created many different animals at such a young age—was chosen by kronos to serve as a spy for the titans because he saw her as expendable. a pawn at best, a screw up at worst. if the little runt actually managed to learn something useful, perhaps she's not so hopeless, after all—if not and if her incompetence led to her discovery, his other children will take care of that problem for him. either way, he wins—or so he thought.

those are the major changes that I can think of at this moment.

things that haven't changed are as follows:

po is still not a natural fighter and, subsequently, she would have still struggled to learn how to fight when she began combat training

po still would have learned magic from her sorcerer uncles, the telkhines (when exactly, though, I am unsure)

po still would have crushed easily on anyone who was nice to her

po still would have had a huge chip on her shoulder from being so puny

[stillgotme]

previously | next | beginning

[thegenderfucker]

A bunch of thoughts about Extraordinary Attorney Woo (in no particular order)

this series is amazing. I recommend everyone at least give it a shot—totally understandable if it's not your vibe but it's definitely worth trying. I had my worries going in, the promotional materials seemed kind of juvenile and zany and I was worried this was going to be "uwu innocent autistig gorl" but that's absolutely not the actual series.

I love that it's got a bit of whimsy. While I was worried going in because of concerns for infantilization, I was also excited for that sort of light and quick wit. A lot of series with autistic characters tend towards high or dark drama and while I am a sucker for autistic characters being a little fucked up, it's nice to have some fun too.

My attitude towards this series and critiques about realism is that it is a kind of fantasy for me. Yes, I know it's unlikely that someone who is so openly and visibly autistic would reach the level of career success that Young-woo has (even if she's just a junior lawyer). I don't give a shit. This show is the stuff I daydream about. Having a career in something I love doing and that I'm good at. Some stupid fucking office rivalry. A guy who is just unconditionally head-over-heels in love. A mentor who isn't entirely sure how to handle the autistic weirdness at first but just rolls with it. A traditional lady friend. A chaotic lady friend. Awkward flirting. To be unabashedly and unashamedly autistic.

Realism part 2: I know some people are frustrated with the lack of development or backstory for Jun-ho, and in hindsight that definitely seems like something that could've had a bit more exposition. At the same time, I feel like some of these criticisms veer into the territory of "why would someone as popular as him fall for Young-woo". With regards to that: same as previous point, it's a fantasy for me. To have someone who is just so utterly and completely in love with you, not "in spite of" and not for weird chaser-y reasons but just because that is the way you are and they love the whole of you. God knows so many allistic characters are in relationships that are a bit lopsided but no one bats an eye because people love to dream a little. And that's good. I want to dream a little too.

Her concerns about not being able to make Jun-ho happy hit a bit too close to home for comfort lol.

"All of my thoughts center around me, so I make people close to me lonely. I don't know when or why I do that. And I don't know what I can do to stop it." <- this, fucking. the writers could've come to my house and smashed by kneecaps with a baseball bat and it would've hurt less than being punched straight in the feels by that line. I don't know if a lot of autistic people experience this, but I sure as hell do. It's frustrating, it makes me feel like a bad person that I can't intuitively consider other people or reciprocate, and aside from making other people lonely, it also makes me lonely.

This is a minor thing but by episode 10 I was wondering where the echolalia went and then bam. It comes out again while she's being accosted by the mother of the woman with an intellectual disability.

A single autistic character is never going to capture every single autistic experience under the sun, and that's okay. And some things can be relatable or portray an underlying experience even though at a surface level, they only show a certain specific experience. Like, I don't know any autistic people who struggle with revolving doors. But there are other mundane things that I struggle with that seem kind of silly like that.

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (by me)

Wurst in the old FM4 Studio

Photo by Lukas Lottersberger

"I am both Conchita and WURST."

By Daniela Derntl

https://fm4.orf.at/stories/2995448/

Songcontest winner Tom Neuwirth has on his new album "T.O.M. - Truth Over Magnitude quasi reinvented "as WURST. Instead of Conchita's glamorous diva ballads, evening gowns and wigs, there's now danceable electro-pop, vinyl, leather and sex. A conversation about the new record, self-discovery, the jurors activity on "Queen of Drags" and the upcoming tour.

FM4: Recently your new record "T.O.M. - Truth Over Magnitude "came out. And that's also your debut album for your new project WURST. The CD has been out for a few weeks. How were the reactions?

WURST: The reactions were very positive. I think I was the least nervous. Probably the people around me a little more, because you do not know if that happens or not. I was extremely pleased that what was happening was understood , and the music is also liked. I love this album, I can hear it up and down, which is not so obvious to me. I'm more of the category: I do not look and listen to my own stuff. But I love this album!

FM4: Which song is on Heavy Rotation right now?

WURST: Currently it's "Can’t Come Back" because I'm going to perform live soon, in a very special cast. And that's why I have to listen to it a bit, so I know the text. It's always a story with the text. Sometimes I like to improvise.

FM4: I also wanted to talk to you about this song anyway. Because it is interesting that you speak now also as WURST in dialect, and before as Conchita only spoke High German. Are there any other entrances when singing? Because in this just mentioned "Can’t Come Back", you also sound quite different, especially at the beginning of the song.

WURST: I sing so deeply, like never before, and that's actually not that easy. So to intonate is a challenge. But that's also a point of this album that I can really show my full range. And also show a bandwidth that I did not even know I had.

WURST about the start of the new project

FM4: When was it clear to you that Conchita could not go on like that - and you have to change. When was the starting signal for the new project?

WURST: The starting signal came after the decision that things could not go on like this. I think - quite banal - when I got up, and was no longer happy and had no mood for anything. I put that on for a few months, and I thought, yes, that will be all right. But it did not happen again. And then I dealt with myself. Then I also started talking therapy because I thought I could not go on alone, I seemed to need a new input somehow. That helped me a lot. And then I also really understood that I am responsible for my own life and I cannot fool around and say: They do not understand me. And they did not understand me. No! I did not understand it anymore and that's why I had to do something new.

FM4: What other insights have you got there, especially on the artistic path?

WURST: First and foremost, I looked closely at my ego and thought about how I go through the world and how to deal with people. Whether I'm really as fabulous as I think? And unfortunately we are not all! (laughs) We hurt people with our behaviour, and seeing and accepting that in its entirety has given me, I believe, this freedom boost to do something where nobody would have said, yes! Electropop! Great idea! And with that freedom it was ‘wurst’ (not important) for me. I did not care, I just had to do it, and then it all happened.

WURST about working with Eva Klampfer and Albin Janoska

FM4: So you had to go through a dark tunnel and then, together with songwriter Eva Klampfer aka Lylit and producer Albin Janoska, saw a light together at the end of the tunnel? Can one say that?

WURST: Definitely! I have wandered through many songwriting camps in recent years. Unsuccessful, because I'm not terribly talented when it comes to it. And then, by some coincidence, Severin Trogbacher, who plays the guitar in my band and is also my band leader, introduced me to Albin Janoska. And Albin says: Would you like to work with Eva? And I thought, that is not possible. You travel all over Europe to somehow write songs, and then they're all sitting there waiting.

FM4: Albin Janoska maybe known from Count Basic ...

WURST: He also produces Count Basic and son. You listen to the record, and understand what it's all about!

FM4: Eva Klampfer aka Lylit wrote the songs for you. And I've read - and I'm asking you now if that's true - that the character WURST was created while working on the album. So it was not clear at the beginning who the songs would be written for now?

WURST: Exactly! Eva and I have talked a lot about who this is for now. What is my name? Is that somehow okay? Actually, some songs were finished and I knew that "Trash All The Glam" would be the first single. That was the moment we sat together and kind of wondered what the video might look like. And I'm a very visual person and it just came suddenly. We went on location scouting and we just saw this shot that I was driving down the escalator, and then I said: There must be WURST in red letters like an exit sign. That was a moment when everything was clear to me. That's it: I'm both Conchita and WURST. It's so absurd, if you think about it in hindsight. It all happened to me by accident. But that's me. I love kitsch and pomp, and all the madness that the show business brings with it, but I like it a bit rude, simpler, clearer and without much frills.

WURST has reconciled with Conchita

FM4: You've reconciled yourself to Conchita through this metamorphosis? Can you say that?

WURST: Yes. In fact, I almost fell into the same trap again, because at the beginning of the project WURST I thought to myself: Now there are no high heels and wigs anymore, and the look is that, and blah. And then I'm like this: Oh wow! I'm doing the same thing again as I did before and restricting myself again. Of course, then came this TV show "Queen Of Drags" where it was all about showing all facets. Then I painted myself, and thought: Oh, there she is! And she is more beautiful than ever! And I think I did not get away from the mirror for half an hour because I thought: Oh yes! (Laughing). I love it!

WURST about his future plans

FM4: I have the impression that your metamorphosis is far from complete. You have a lot more sides, people, maybe even a whole ensemble in the quiver?

WURST: Yes, I also believe that there is still something in me that I do not yet know about. I also do not think that for ever and ever I'll just "stay in the music" under quotes. I also want to design sets, I also want to do fashion, I want to be a director and scream at actors. I want to write a musical about my life, because the boy from the mountains who wins the song contest is like "Sound Of Music". Sorry! And that's the way it will sound (laughs). Of course I'm wondering what the next one might be because the album is out now and I'm going on tour with it next year. I'm looking forward to it, but I do not want a standstill. I stir around a bit ...

WURST about "Queen Of Drags"

FM4: You're now also a juror on the new German TV show "Queen Of Drags", and there it hails from the queer community criticism of your co-juror Heidi Klum, because she has nothing to do with Queer and Drag. You clearly defend your colleague. But it's pretty much off, right?

WURST: Yes, fully. For one thing, I think everyone has an opinion. Hey, awesome! What this outcry from the community has just shown is that your character does not depend on your sexual orientation, because this community wants so much inclusion and understanding, and then somehow that does not work out. I find that a bit contradictory now. Yes, of course, there are not only fans of Heidi Klum, and I did not know her before either, and I have to say that this collaboration was just easy. And she was fully aware that it was somehow controversial, and she was just so respectful and so inside, asking questions without end, just wanting to be a part of it. I think that when it comes to judging candidates, we've always wanted to judge whether they're getting better. Because I would like to have all these ten Queens have a career after that and live on it. And I would like to give them what I have already learned.

FM4: Drag culture is also about body positivity. And that's just Heidi Klum as an executioner of "Germanys Next Top Model" not necessarily the right thing for something?

WURST: Yes, "Germanys Next Top Model" is a completely different format. And absolutely right there was a body awareness that was mediated, which is definitely not healthy. But even in this program, there was a learning process that has seen over the last few years.

WURST about pink-washing

FM4: Another reproach on the show was also the so-called "Pink Washing". So that now a broadcaster and a presenter who otherwise have nothing to do with this queer culture and scene capitalize on it. And you're almost the queer fig leaf on the whole. What do you say?

WURST: That's an absolutely legitimate comment. I want to say that I use it as well. Because I did not know Heidi before either, but she gives us the best slot on one of the biggest private channels to show what the queer community has on it to show people what's left. Of course! Excuse me! I get it - pinkwashing, et cetera. But I also take advantage of it to show how cool it is to be casual with each other, and how great it is to be supported. And how great it is when everyone can just be what he wants to be. And I love that too on this show. It works like nothing else. But when it comes down to it, keep it together. And I think that's exactly what it's about!

WURST about the Eurosonic Festival

FM4: Let's talk about your upcoming tour. In January you play at the Eurosonic Festival in Groningen, and that's a showcase festival for newcomers. And you're not really a newcomer anymore! But how is it for you to start from the beginning? Smaller halls to play, maybe not so many amenities to have. What is it like for you playing at a newcomer festival?

WURST: I think it's so cool that I'm allowed to get involved with the cool kids, and of course I'm really looking forward to this festival because it's something new for me. I do not know this kind of festival. Especially not as an artist. And I do not know the audience. And that's why I feel like a newcomer. But I'm no longer a newcomer in that sense, I realize. But I said it aloud, and now everyone believes it! (Laughing).

WURST about the concerts in Poland

FM4: No one believes you! It will also be exciting for you at the beginning of February, as you will play twice in Poland, in Warsaw and in Krakow. And the head of the Polish governing party PIS this year has declared homosexuals and transgender people to be "enemies of the state". So you can only be there with massive protective measures and safety precautions. How are you doing there? On the one hand you want to set a signal, on the other hand it is not without danger.

WURST: Yes, on the one hand, I am a pretty unconscious lamb when it comes to that, because in my opinion I always see only the good. I once had personal security for 24 hours when I was in St. Petersburg. That feels weird. I do not know if it will be the case in Poland. I do not want to sound cynical, but I - as such a public person - already have some protection because of this publicity, because if anything should happen then it would attract a lot of attention. And that's why I may not see my safety in the foreground right now. I'm just happy that I can play there for my fans, because I have so many from the East, and I just want to have a great time with them!

FM4: Thanks for the interview and all the best!

[weirdobongo]

'ello there been a while crocodile

I'm here to vent. Yours truly has lost some very important people and honestly its my fault. I'm surprised in hindsight they stayed for a long time being under my abuse. I caused them so much pain and they still remained here for me. They were stupid for entering my life to begin with especially when some of them had people surrounding them and saying they shouldn't talk to someone like me. For their friends credit they were right so really, they have good friends. I took advantage of their kindness and their feelings towards me. I took advantage of their kindness, their care for me, their warmth. Yes it was their choice. Yes it's not up to me whether they stay or not but i can't help but to think i forced them to stay in a very fucked manipulative way. I know my personality isn't that great. I'm not that good looking or rich or anything like that. I maybe interesting but that interest shouldn't allow them to go through the mental abuse i put them through. I'm a monster, I'm actually the devil like some of them called me. Seducing them at every turn, whispering into their left ear things they want to hear and giving them comfort they so craved for. I'm an idiot cause i know i couldn't keep it up forever. I knew i was too insecure, too stupid, too arrogant and too ugly of a person to keep them happy forever. I fucked up so many times. I let them down so many times and they stayed time after time. I can't understand what they saw in me to stay for so long. Im not good enough for them. I always strived to become better but i wasn't enough. Not cause they asked for too much but because i just couldn't do it. Growing takes such a toll. I gave myself and them constant excuses. Oh i was busy with work, busy with school, i need alone time, I'm stretched thin. When in reality i woke up at 11am and immediately started dancing my depression dance. Why couldn't i be enough. Why couldn't i appreciate them being in my life while they still were looking at me with their loving eyes. Why were they looking into the devil's eyes to begin with.

I say all of this but, i miss them so much. There's not a day where I'm not thinking of them, everyday i miss our conversations, their pics and smile, their lil pets, i miss seeing their outfit. I miss getting their opinion on the stuff I'm wearing or the story I'm writing or the drawings i drew. I miss seeing their hair. I miss seeing their eyes of love. I miss them. To me their were care and love personified. Even with all their flaws and let downs. They were perfect. So perfect it hurts. Their little quirks. Their little sneeze and yawns. Their music taste. Their thoughts. Their name. When they called my name, when they said they loved me. I get so happy thinking about it. It's such a bittersweet feeling since i know they will be better without me in their life giving them unnecessary drama and chaos, all of those fights and shouting contest. All of those arguments, gone. I won't bother them anymore. They will be happier. I just hope they won't worry about me, care about me, they would be better off without worrying and caring about a bothersome, unpredictable person like me. I hope they bloom into into the most beautiful stars in the sky, i hope i will never reach them again. They deserve so much better. I will always love them, and admire them. I hope they reach their dreams and hopes. I love you till the end of this dream.

[rozadoesit]

I think I really like him...

I don't know why I titled it, "I think...." cause if I'm being honest, I know I do, but I think the leaving it as a thought gives me the room to tell myself I was wrong if during this blossoming process something is unsavory or goes awry. It's a delusional safety net, but I'm taking this opportunity while it's there to see if the reasons why are genuinely him or just stuff that I haven't experience in awhile. Here goes the Top 5 Reasons I Think I Really Like Him: 1.) I feel like I actually have him, not just his attention. We've been talking to each other consistently for a while now just as friends and only recently even started playing at this idea of taking further steps. Then when we did finally cross that line, he didn't change. I can still talk to him with the same ease as I could before but there's just new area to explore. We're learning how to communicate with each other about this new space, and even if we don't end up continuing in from this space to something more, I think we will still be great friends. More to that, I like where we are and the fact that it's taken this long in hindsight, because I think we're being cosmically tested and he's definitely carrying a lot of the weight to make sure I don't fuck this up either way this ends up.

2.) He likes who I am, unconditionally. Like I said, we started out as friends just chopping it up and getting to know each other, so it makes sense that he likes me, but even in terms of how he looks at me, how he touches me, how he kisses me... it feels like more of the same and something new at the same time. Like he feels familiar but completely different and the fact that I can't comprehend it drives me wild. What's more is I don't feel like I have to cave into either side of my gender identity (or lack thereof) as an Enby to be with him comfortably. I conducted the "natural me" test, where I wore comfy clothes, I hung out with him when I had just taken down my hair, and I left my stubble on my face. It brought me a sense of comfort to know he didn't even bat a lash, and to even add insult to injury, he was in his pajamas too and we went into the store casually. 

3.) He has an actual personality and ability to carry a conversation. That one is pretty cut and dry. In the substantial amount of time we've known each other and the fact that we talk every day, our conversations are never dull and we're never fishing for something to talk about. He also wasn't just responding or passively conversing. He wasn't afraid to get behind the wheel and drive the conversation either, relieving me the need to always be the one in control.

4.) He hasn't let me down. I don't ask much from him, but realistically we all have expectations on how things are to go. While not every expectation I have anticipated has gone to plan, the resulting reality has been equally as great. In sum, he has the ability to surprise me and the fact that I can't read/calculate what he's going to do but he still manages to keep me happy is more than I could ask for.

5.) He's Black. That seems like a no-brainer to some and incredibly problematic to others, but what's understood doesn't need to be explained. It matters a lot that I as a Black Plus-Sized... Trans NB Femme have a Black man treating me amazingly means a lot because lived experience and the overall zeitgeist of Black Queerness tells me this is an anomalie. I truly manifest even better than what I have because I don't know what our future holds for my fellow Dolls and Black Femmes because we deserve it.

All in all, like I said I don't know what the future holds, but I'm excited to find out and I hope this excitement never leaves, even if/when we get to a point that's better and further along than where we are now. But I still want to hold my safety net there because if this doesn't work out, it's gonna hurt like shit. But he's texting me now and I caught myself smiling at the phone so this is one of the few I'm glad in the words of 3 Stacks,

"Y'all don't wanna hear me ya just wanna dance."

[bisexual-slime]

man that's fucked up. saying he doesn't care that you don't shave and saying that he doesn't want to pressure you into doing it while at the same time basically saying he's embarrassed to be seen with you like the other anon said... that's just manipulation and also it's very hurtful to hear something like that. I wish he'd at least have the guts to be honest instead of pretending he means something else that he actually means:(((

it'd make me feel pretty betrayed like what else is he grossed out by about me but won't admit? Im so sorry, this stuff hurts most if you've been with someone for so long.

He said this in a moment of complete honesty and candour and I'm planning on asking if that's all he feels embarrassed by (I know he was embarrassed by me iding as trans but tbf so am I now in hindsight) I just want him to accept my decision and not question it and just stop bringing it up because I KNOW he misses it but I literally dont care because it's my body and I just refuse to shave, for him or anyone else. I'm happy with my leg hair and I'm not compromising. It's stupid and immature to be hung up on it. If only his mother felt the same as me and didnt give me dirty looks when wearing shorts, I'd hope she'd talk some sense into him.