#i'm fuckin pissed today i guess whatever.

[senselessalchemist]

semi-final roleswap au beheaded concept (aka 'the merchant'). this took a stupidly long time. (also i had Plans to do a very sketchy comic but my hand is killing me so not today)

readmore for very vague ideas and game spoilers

something something the king working more directly/intimately with the alchemist. ostensibly trying to help find a cure/treatment/whatnot but also trying to find a way to save himself/loved ones. ends up going too far and getting... well... beheaded-ified. unsure if homunculi-fied or not.

something something before that point the alchemist (in this universe, more principled and less "ends justify the means") refuses to continue various lines of research on moral grounds and stops working with the king, who decides to go ahead anyway because desperation and etc.

but doesn't have the knowledge/training to address the problem he's created, and the alchemist will not aide him (sacrifice too great, innocent people hurt, maybe is pursuing something he considers promising) and things fall apart.

timeline/events fuzzy but basically i think the idea is that cells are the answer/an answer -> the person who has the know-how to actually do the thing is the alchemist -> the king does something to affect the alchemist's memories -> alchemist ends up in similarly "dumped into events of game" situation -> runs into a friendly merchant whose goals are A) cells and B) to befriend the alchemist (in order to obtain his help) -> [various game events, also finding own journals/etc., start to piece together some stuff, maybe start to mistrust the merchant, info from bosses, etc.] -> final boss fight where the merchant requests help, alchemist probably refuses based on gathered info (or maybe a choice? iunno) and something like "if you won't help me then i'll just kill you"

and there could be some fun angst re: "we used to be friends or at least circumstances forced us to work closely together in an extremely stressful situation and we know a lot about each other and also we maybe became friends a second time throughout this journey but then i found out you caused my problems in the first place and just wanted to use me for my knowledge and that's a lot to deal with and now i'm fuckin' pissed and i really kind of want to kill you" from the alchemist and "we used to be friends or at least you helped me but then you refused when it mattered most (and i probably don't deal well with rejection) and i had to do all of this shit for the possibility of your help and you still won't just fucking help me even now and if that's the case you might as well just die (but also i probably feel conflicted because even though it was on false pretenses we did become friends)" from the king and then they kiss

problem is of course you probably don't want to cause memory issues for the one person who has the knowledge that you need but maybe it's a "i have no other choice" kind of situation for the king (maybe alchemist threatened something drastic?) and it was that or nothing.

obviously there's issues with this in a gameplay sense as well but then there's issues in regular vanilla dead cells as well going from 5bc to anything else so fuck it, who cares. narrative and gameplay don't necessarily match up well. (i really don't know why i'm structuring this around gameplay when it's an au and i could just do whatever but i guess that's just how it be in my brain.)

speaking of gameplay. while it could be restrictive compared to the range of weapons you get normally i do like the idea of roleswap au!collector's moveset being based on his boss moveset, but with some expansions. so you'd start off with super basic like syringe 3-hit light-light-heavy attack pattern and maybe the ability to throw fireballs or something. you would upgrade the syringe using cells (maybe could do like one of three paths mimicking the brutality/tactics/survival split) and also your magic skills, allowing the laser attack, summoning mobs, etc. also might could change the element of the magic, have fire as the default but also have options to switch to poison or electric or ice or something. also i'd limit it to 2 of the however many "magic" things he can do (lumping everything that's not basically "stab with the syringe" into one category here), so you could do like fireballs and mob summoning but not laser, or whatever.

completely ??? about how the respawn mechanic would work. very rough ideas include some sort of memory collection (of course injected into a body -- new body? -- via syringe because that would be thematically appropriate and i have been listening to the new season of dungeons and daddies, but otherwise i got nothin'. except that maybe the tutorial knight would be the one to resurrect you each time.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(apparently i spent roughly 45 minutes writing this up, good lord, why did it take so long)

[imagine-darksiders]

I'm now realizing I don't think I actually ever commented on your fics, but I also am Lazy and don't want to go and comment on every chapter of each of your fics [today. I'll do it someday, but I am small and tired today.], so imma just do one big rant. Fics in order of as I remember it lol

Old Timer: I read this fic a while after reading Displaced, and it's what kicked me into reading all your stories lol. The whole concept is so interesting, and I love how you portray Eidard and the other Makers. [Also bear supremacy thank you for your service.]

Displaced: This is the fic that introduced me to you. I had No Fucking Clue what Darksiders was, but I loved your story so much that I kept looking into it and ended up buying the game when I happened to see Strife on a cover a few months later. I love this fic sm. It hits all the perfect spots and I kept thinking about what would happen after the fic, even now.

Exposure Therapy: This one's solidly up there as one of my favorites. The tension you build in it is immaculate, and it feels so grounded. Like, yes! This is a city and people recovering from a world-altering apocalypse! Every bit of this fic is amazing, but the scene where Y/n overcomes her fear to be kind and extend her friendship to Strife is just,, perfect. [IT DELETED THIS AND I HAD A WHOLE THING IM PISSED. >:(]

Hollow: This fic was so cute and so sweet that I physically couldn't stop reading. The dialouge felt so natural but also comfortable, in a way. And as someone who works with kids, yeah the kid was Fuckin Cute. And them leaving was so bittersweet and I loved it.

Haven: AAAAHHH THIS ONE. THIS ONE MADE ME AN ULTHANE SIMP. Every moment of this fic is just,, MWAH. The beginning feels so horrifying, and I legit was terrified for the kids, even if I knew you wouldn't kill them off like that. I actually ended up taking the extra safety course at my work because of this fic, I kept thinking about all the kids that come through, and kept linking it back to that scenario. Ulthane is,, the Best in this fic istg. From protecting them on the way to the tree, to fixing the glasses, just,,, WAAHHH I LOVE HIM

A Mortals Coil: Ok, I didn't feel good after this one, but in a good way. The scenario is perfectly grounded, and even though I knew it was coming, I choked up a little when the kid finally died. The grief, the desperation, and even the anger was so wonderfully conveyed that I had to go read fluff fics so I could sleep without feeling that weight on my chest. Just, fucking kudos on that one.

Guardian: I desperately need to reread this one, but I remember loving all the character dynamics and fluff, and tension at the climax when I first read it. May not remember details, but I get a fuzzy happy feeling whenever I think about it, so it must be good lol

On The Ropes: FUUCKKKK WHERE DO I BEGIN. EVERY. FUCKING. SCENE. OF THIS FIC. IS. GODLY.

I genuinely squeal like a little kid getting a Mega Sundae and a puppy whenever I see this update. The tension when they first meet, the slow acceptance, the Holy Shit Friendship??, everything. I love their first meeting, and how strong y/n is for holding their ground, but also how sweet the scene where he let's her clean him up is. And these past few chapters had me SCREAMING to my siblings about it. Every character, every moment, every SCENE feels simultaneously so amazing and beautiful, yet somehow perfectly grounded in reality. Whenever I read it, I feel like I'm going to get a news article on whatever happened that chapter. It's just,, AMAZING.

Finally, Edens Heir: I HAVENT READ IT YET BUT HOLY FUCK YOU POSTED IT ON MY BIRTHDAY THANK YOU I GUESS IM SO HYPED TO READ IT.

Dude, you just made me go back and re-read most of these, and I wrote them! I can't believe someone would like them that much! Thank you so much for commenting about all of them, omg!! <3

[paldean-ranger-brandy]

💬

💬 - A private correspondence

J-MONEY: Brandy.

ME: Joel.

J-MONEY: Delete this conversation afterwards.

ME: always do, boss man.

J-MONEY: Head office is on my ass about your last mission.

ME: oh, you mean the super straightforward one you gave me as a break that was definitely not supposed to turn into anything complicated or have any paradox mons involved?

J-MONEY: Yes, that one.

J-MONEY: I am sorry about how that ended up for you.

J-MONEY: But head office is on me for why you weren't able to make an arrest in that case. They know you were able to capture a paradox mon, and want to know why you "failed to leverage that advantage properly"

ME: idk man the bitch was fast! She fuckin got me, fair n square.

ME: but I know they don't actually care about me getting hurt. Just reference my last report about how paradox mons just kinda follow the vibe. Even when captured they can't actually be commanded like other pokemon, yada yada

J-MONEY: I did. They think that "following the vibe" should have led great tusk to restrain Gonzap, not launch her into the stratosphere.

ME: No, my vibe wasn't definitely "just get her outta here". Didn't want to be caught between whatever is the deal between her and Honoria.

J-MONEY: You we're face-to-face with one of the most wanted criminals in the world. Head office expected you to make an arrest.

ME: idgaf what head office expected. I dont arrest people. Full stop. You know why, we've talked about this.

J-MONEY: Frankly Brandy, I dont really care to have a ethical debate about the prison industrial complex right now.

J-MONEY: I don't mind covering for you most of the time. I know you, I know you approach your responsibilities with compassion when it comes to vulnerable populations. But this isn't the first time you've let a criminal walk free, and head office is starting to lose patience.

J-MONEY: They're trying to weave a narrative that you're somehow in line with these criminals and betraying the union. This could go very poorly for you if you dont start playing the political game here .

ME: are you fucking kidding me??? I'm more loyal to the rangers than *anyone*.

J-MONEY: I know, you're a little too intense at time if we're being honest.

ME: We dont have quotas! Most people agree that we shouldn't even be able to make arrests!

J-MONEY: Yes, which is why you're success coupled with your refusal to do so is so annoying to them. They're afraid your example will be used to strip that authority, and they're going to find a way to cut you out unless you give me something to get them off my back.

ME: hollllyyyy stormy seas. The divide between these desk jockeys and actual rangers is insane.

ME: fine

ME: Tell them that. Idk. The effects of getting tased fucked with the capture connection I had set up and made great tusk panic. I'll tell the union shrink that I was afraid I was gonna die, and that fear probably got sent to great tusk.

ME: I did piss myself. I tried to write it in the report even.

J-MONEY: Thank you. I'm going to leave out the part about you wetting yourself. Life threatening trauma is good to have on record as proof you aren't secretly working with poachers.

ME: hey man, whatever it takes I guess.

J-MONEY: also you were out of uniform today. I did see you.

ME: lol

[sincelastsession]

I'm pissed off now because I can't remember various things about today and I understand some shit but the rest I'm upset about but now it's like I know I'm mad I can read the journal entry I see what that says but...I think I dissociated or idk. I'm worried about that now and I had heart arrhythmia shit this evening and a huge cry and now like the entire session is foggy. I remember being there. I remember parts of what was said but it faded away and other parts popped up that sort of made sense. Dad brought me a heart thingy to record if something is off. My blood pressure was 107/68 bpm was 68. Tiny bit lower than usual despite the constant panic attack feeling I'm having.

Won't die from the heart thing but it's annoying as hell right now. dad said he'd help me get in with a new heart doctor because my current one has been ignoring legit complaints.

I think that he really did manipulate you today I still believe that and he has been kinder to me today though he did yell at me several times even when I told him that that does not make anything that's going on better and he does interrupt me and cross my boundaries even after I've said no and then I will tell him things several times in a row and then he'll tell me that I didn't say it and he does gas light me and I'm not trying to throw him under the bus or anything because I do want a relationship with my father that's tolerable for both of us And I know I cannot control him and I don't think that anybody understands that I'm just wording things in a different manner and It's just not neurotypical speech pattern it's different and I really need my dad to understand me better so he doesn't get confused and overwhelmed and so mad with me and we can talk and I know I have things I need to work on and I'm trying I really am but I feel like I'm getting punished again because he's back in my life and every time I do something wrong he criticizes it and pokes at it and pokes at it and just like he was talking about red he's poking at he's bringing up the fucking red

And I know that I'm a lot like him in some ways but I'm also my own person and I don't want to be treated like a stupid child and I don't want to be talked down to and what you saw today was him on his best behavior it was manipulative and yes he was interacting and seemed to be in good spirits but that is a fake persona that he happens to use a lot for his own Survival or whatever I don't know if my dad is possibly neurodivergent like me or just bipolar or just a personality disorder or just a fuckin asshole ok? But the way he spoke to me outside when we left was not ok. The way he spoke to me this evening when he came over was NOT OK. We didn't have the worst time but he needs to STOP yelling at someone having anxiety ptsd problems and a heart issue popping up suddenly possibly the bands at the loud show threw it off kilter like heavy bass does. Idfk.

I understand that sometimes my language sounds a certain way but I guess we need to work on training me to rephrase certain things and I'm willing to work on that and I would like it to be where my dad also works on some thanks so we can communicate and not have blow out insane arguments and I don't have to worry about getting physically attacked again

And everybody thinks I'm fucking insane for trying this and maybe I am because every other therapist has told me that he's bad shit when they've talked to him and I need to get the hell away from him this is like a hail Mary of trying to have a good relationship with him before he drops dead.

I understand that he wants me to be financially independent as soon as possible and I'm very stressed out with my PTSD flare up and just trying to do the journaling for you and what I can do.

Some things I literally cannot do.

Some things I just haven't done and I haven't been successful in doing it.

Some things I can possibly do but I'm scared

Some things I can do with no problem

Sometimes these things change daily and it's really strange to me and I don't understand that because sometimes I cannot do something at all and the next day I can do it like it's no problem and I don't understand what's going on but then I'm having these moments where I'm missing time but not a ton of time or I have a memory but it's just really foggy and I don't know if my brain is actively trying to protect itself or if I'm having a disassociative issue So I guess after we talk to mom next session then the session after that we're just gon to have to go over a bunch of shit.

And maybe I am possibly controlling I'm not beyond admitting that I'm not a perfect human being and everybody does have times where they talking act like this I understand the issue but when my dad gets upset with me being controlling he's talking about like extreme almost paranoia like saying he thinks I'm trying to control him and make him do everything and it's very paranoid sounding when he freaks out and gets angry and it doesn't make any sense to me and Half of what I remember him saying didn't make sense to me and some of what you said didn't make sense to me however The memories are foggy because my father is a major trigger for me and I've had to be very strong all day and deal with him more than once today and it was hard because the last time I did see him he had hurt me physically And it's not the first time he has done something like that to me and it sent me into a tailspand a complete PTSD flare up.

He doesn't seem to understand that what happened on that day with him and my sister was horribly traumatic for me.

I did not like the talk about pop culture and the word trigger I did speak to him about that again and I hope that he understands that I'm not using it as a pop culture reference type thing I've kno I've no doubt that word in the meaning because I got taught by a medical professional and I was taught about identifying my triggers I went to an eating disorder facility and I was stuck there for quite a while until I weaseled my way home because it was terrible and they were being abusive However they did hammer some things into my head while I was there in the middle of the fucking desert

So I'm not the best at it but I do know how to identify some of my triggers I wish I could identify more of them and I need to understand how I can be less bothered by the triggers I still need to work on my people pleasing I still need to work on separating my self from the approval of my parents and all this other crap which I'm sure you have figured out

I am still pissed off I don't wanna not see you as my therapist I'm just mad still I will probably get over it I know that you said I could be mad if I wanted to so I am and I'm trying to process and I'm trying to trust everybody because this shit is hard and it's really painful

The amount of grief that I have and the amount of pain and trauma and shit that my parents have caused me since I was a infant the things I can remember and the things that people have done to me since I was 2 years all these other things that have happened it's just an astronomical amount of stuff and I really wish you could have gotten the files from my other EMDR therapist I don't know if that's a work in progress or if you've got them or if we're just gonna not work with them but I really wanted to have them and I know that I don't get to control everything

But I want to Express that I probably have a control issue problem but cause I never got to be in control of anything or I felt that I was never really in control because of how I grew app and what was going on with my body and other people using my body and raping my body and my body getting sick and attacking itself and I Don't really trust a single soul I don't know how to it's not really a paranoid thing it's just that people aren't to be trusted thing that I learned that a very young age and I fight for control with everybody because I feel like I'm just a tiny little kid and I am not an adult to them and I was baffled and pissed off and confused with my dad's behavior because it was not his normal behavior that's why I was acting weird in session because nothing he was Saying in the way he was acting is like what he is actually like

That's the thing like he acted like And not himself at and that freaks me out and I don't know if he made changes and he's trying to be a kinder nicer person but no I heard him screaming at my mother who was speaking to him very politely the other day and no that's he's not doing work on himself because of the way he acted the other day I heard all of it he's abusive for no fucking reason And it's like he has split personalities because what you met today was not my father

I was very disturbed by him acting that way.

I understand that it looked like there was no big deal and no problem but the problem was that was an act you did not get to see how he really is because he put on For You. He wanted to talk to you first to see how you spoke and worked so he could analyze you and probably needed to tell you some things that I'm not privy to which I think is silly since it's like my therapy but whatever I'll get over that I guess and he did tell me that you just explained how you do some stuff and I don't even remember what that was

And I'm laying in my bed with my fucking weighted blanket shaking because he was just over here trying to be nice and trying to help me and I'm still having a trauma response to being around him and he got snappy and he did yell but he calmed down but it's still not cool andeight don't know if I'm ready to interact with him as much as I would like to

Because it's aggravating when he interrupts me and I'm in the middle of talking and I know that I do that but I usually do that when I think there's a long enough pause and then I also like

For instance we're talking about something And I'm listening but then I thought pops up in my head because something was said And if I don't say what I need to say right then and there it fades away like a cloud dispersing. And I can't hold on to it it just slips through my fingers like water it doesn't matter if it's the most important thing in the world or some dumb bullshit.

And I don't know why I have this problem I don't know if it's due to stress I don't know what causes it other than my diagnosis of ADHD.

So I wasn't trying to make an excuse for my behavior I was just trying to say that sometimes if I don't say it the important thing or something that needs to be said it just goes bye bye

And That's horribly frustrating to me. I don't know if I was just put on the wrong medication a long time ago or if I had something happened to my brain when I got the concussion or if it's a genetic neurological condition I have no idea but right now I think it's just havingCertain diagnosis that make it hard for me to fucking concentrate. Then my brain is just kind of doing whatever it wants sometimes to protect me and I don't always have the controls. I don't know how to explain that better.

It's very frustrating to me that I can't really articulate how all this feels and what's going on in my head and all I want to do is to be understood and to explain to people what's going on so I can survive because it's a survival thing

Because people take me the wrong way and misunderstand me and not very many people go out of their way to understand me or meet me halfway and yeah I do think that my family the people closest to me should be more involved and I don't agree with you about what you said about that that's something I remember more than everything else we spoke about

And I was upset and reactive because I did not want to be near my father but I knew I needed to have the session and he showed up and that did mean something to me but it was very hard for me and I don't know how to express that anyway other than telling you it was hard and it hurts

I'm happy to continue having sessions but I don't think my father understands that it takes a lot of time to change habits and heal from these things and he was already overwhelming me this evening telling me that I needed to change my phone plan and take on a bunch of bills and bitching to me about money and his health and things that I can't help I can't control that right now I can't fix that right now I'm trying to control myself and fix myself and I understand my circle of control is just myself and my reactions And it's very hard to get all of this done in the middle of APTSD flare

And I really need to move but my father's not willing to move me until I can financially take on some bills and Don't know how to explain to him that it takes a while with me. I don't find it to be Impossible yet to get Better but I Don't think I could give him an estimate of how many months or years it's gonna take for me to get Better and Help him out I also Really fucking Don't like how abusive he is at my Mother they've been divorced a Long Time now and It's Time for them to not be assholes to one another it's Really inappropriate it affects me and affects my sister it's not good for either of them I Know I can't Control that but I need to Bitch about it so I'm gonna Bitch about it Here

I had a shitty conversation with the front office and the dude was a fucking asshole to me and I'm just gonna let the security officer talk to him about me and the security officer's idea to put a camera up But honestly what would fix things is just to move the loud ass people into a different apartment that has the same layout because the residents here can choose to move to different apartments if they're the same price or the apartment people can just move them if they're bothering other residents but they don't want to kick them ou

But they have been loud all evening and that is not helping a damn thing and I don't want to wear my head phones because my head already hurts like a motherfucker from stress

Therapy is fucking aggravating I'm so tired of going to therapy it's not you and I'm just tired of being in therapy since I was 12 I'm tired of it it's annoying

I really do feel like I got mansplained to today and I'm sorry if that's upsetting for you but that's how I feel

Because my brain goes really fast and I already had caught on to what I did wrong and now I can remember a little bit of it that's wei don't understand this I don't think it's the medicine that I take for my anxiety because that has never caused me to have these issues and it's not the weed because we'd never cause that for me either so I'm just guessing it stress and PTSD related symptoms in whatever other symptoms go along with my diagnosis

I don't really like the style ofNot bringing up diagnosis that's not going to work very well with me in the long run and this is just feedback I understand the reason that you don't like it and I understand how the DSM is not really the best book in the world but these are diagnosis that I have gotten under the care of a Doctor who is no longer alive but worked with me for a very long time trying to figure out what was wrong and he used to be a neurologist as well so I'm gonna trust what that Doctor said and I'm gonna trust with my other psychiatrist now says as well.

I don't try to act more like the diagnosis I just want you to understand that I do understand like why it is annoying to you

I do understand that people sometimes get a diagnosis and they make that their whole identity and that's not what I'm trying to do

I'm also not trying to use any of my diagnosis as an excuse for bad behavior I'm trying to explain that that's why this shitty behavior is happening and I don't always have control over that

Like I will think something in my head and try and say it out loud and the wrong words come out of my mouth or I just phrase things wrong and if I don't phrase it a certain way sometimes then my entire body feels like nails on a chalkboard and it is the most unpleasant feeling in the world if I do not do the compulsive thing

I wish I could show people how it feels I wish there was a way to transfer thoughts and feelings to others so you could know and I understand that nobody ever fully knows anybody that's literally something that I have known for a very long time

It does get really aggravating not just with you and but with past therapists Because I see the wheels turning in your's head and I know when you'll say certain things where it's going and then I get something explained to me that I already know about and then I try to let people know Hey I know exactly what you're talking about I've read extensively about it I've spoken with other therapists about this I know it's a problem I understand what this means And then like the therapist will continue going and then it feels like I'm running out of time andsession and I feel like there's a lot of pressure to let you know as much as possible because I feel like I'm going To run out of time and then I have all this pressure from my family to hurry up and get fixed and fix myself and do all these things and I'm overloaded and my dad was trying to tell me about switching my phone to something and doing this and doing that and it's very hard to communicate with him about these things and big changes really freak me out and I do have meltdowns about that

I have huge fucking meltdowns that are autistic meltdowns like classic ones it's not just a timber chance room because I'm angry it's a meltdown

And then it's like a Domino effect basically one thing gets triggered and the rest of all of my mental disorders sort of just topple over into this big cluster fuck of overwhelming melt down sometimes it turns into a panic attack sometimes it turns into flashbacks and PTSD sometimes it returns into repetitive speaking and actions and other weird worries over and over and over again that don't make sense and then sometimes none of that happens

Sometimes I can act very childish sometimes I can act very old sometimes I can act more manly sometimes I act like a little girl and I don't understand what's going on with that because it's like having weird little personas and I don't pick them out I don't consciously pick any of this out

There's a lot of things that happen subconsciously that I'm getting bitchedoubt about that I don't even understand like what's going on and I get confused

And I don't know if it's just because I'm under so much stress that all this is happening or if I really do have something neurologically going on or if I do have a disassociative disorder or what the fuck is going on

And I'm still pissed I don't know how long it's going to take for my emotions to catch up with my logic

And yeah it wasn't the worst session with my dad it went better than I thought it would but it also still freaked me out because the way he acted around you and me was absolutely not what I'm used to I don't know what the fuck that was

That's not the dad I grew up with but then when we left the office and you told us to go speak outside he acted like more himself and more of an asshole and was snapping at me cutting me off interrupting me crossing my boundaries yelling at me and then suddenly talking normal like nothing ever happened after he did the narcissistic twister tornado at me in the parking lot that he probably doesn't even realize that he did

I think that he doesn't see how he's acting or how he sounds I don't know if he understands that some of the things he says and does are just as shitty as what people are telling me that I'm doing and that I'm confused about

I don't know if we have the same issue I don't know if my father is also autistic maybe that's it I don't fucking know but something else is going on with him because like I really don't know what the hell are witnessed today

That's why I'm so upset that's why I'm so freaked out because I felt like you were just allowing him an enabling him to be abusive by saying yeah he can do and say whatever he wants and you can either put up with it or walk away from the situation and the thing is like yes that is true

We all are in control of our own actions and we cannot control other people but it needs to be made known to him that his behavior towards me and his bullshit manipulation is seen and he needs to stop treating me like crap

Because I want to make the therapy sessions work I want to have a fucking relationship with my dad that doesn't end up being terrible before he passes away because I'm terrified that he's gonna die at any moment in time

And then I spoke to my mom about how he acted and she said that he used to do this in thier couples therapy that apparently they did for a while and the therapist eventually say through his fake shit.

I know you're not dumb.

It did cross my mind that you might have been observing much more than me and did see the bullshit. I don't know.

I am glad he has so far agreed to come back.

That was a goal anyway. So yay.

I do like that I can vent here and you can see it and understand how I'm processing and feeling etc.

I do feel misunderstood though. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how to word or articulate things sometimes especially when I'm having anxiety and my brain is going 60 different directions and I don't feel like me I feel like someone else is driving and the words in my head aren't exiting my mouth.

I don't know how to solve the holding the thought problem.

I could take adhd med that is still in my prescription bottle one day before session and show you how completely different I am on it.

I was never on it long and Dr. Todd died.

New psychiatrist thought I was still taking it but I stopped when he had a weird OMG THE MEDICAL BOARD fit abt it.

2.5 MG was the dose I was taking. That's all I needed. I was functioning better.

I don't know if Dr. Murphy could sort me out better.

But im willing to show you the difference. I don't think it will hurt to take it for one session.

Maybe it won't change anything.

Idk I'd just like to stop having spiderweb thinking.

It's ALL OVER THE PLACE but it's all connected and loops back to the original subject eventually.

I didn't do this shit as bad before I had to go to regions.

I hate when I can't hold a thought in conversation. It's embarrassing to me to have to interrupt and it's embarrassing to ask ppl to pause to write it down. And it's hard to concentrate and remember shit anyone says because I have a million things going on in my brain.

Like I have to live with it if ppl find it annoying at least they don't have the issues I do that keep them up at night crying because my brain won't SHUT THE FUCK UP.

In high-school I was on xanax Adderall and smoked hella weed. It worked better than anything. But then they played with antidepressants and antipsychotics and epilepsy meds, and bipolar meds, and I'm scared I literally have brain damage

I don't know what to do about any of this and I know it's frustrating for every therapist I understand I also understand many things that I'm explained in depths about sometimes I just don't get it to begin with and then it clicks later

And I felt extremely overwhelmed And I don't know I don't know how to explain what the fuck happened in session because that was not my father

That was not my father in the sense of how he acted who the hell was what sort of Twilight Zone shit was that

If he acted like that all the time and didn't act like a fucking Dick then that would be great

I know I can't control any of it I tried my best to just observe and try and I just felt like I was a target today and I know that that wasn't really what was going on that I can remember

And I don't like that I just associated at certain parts and didn't even realize till I got home and could not remember and then I can remember some bits and pieces now but other parts are still foggy and I'm aggravated about it

And I don't know if my brain was just like protecting me because I was going into a room with somebody that had hurt me and caused me trauma

And I don't know if this is just gonna work kind of like some sort of exposure therapy I don't fucking know.

And yes I was triggered and I'm gonna continue to use the word trigger when I am actually triggered.

I don't play around with that word over stupid shit.

I don't really care if it's a pop culture thing or not I don't like that my dad was enabled because of certain things I believe you said did made him pretty fucking elated and then when we went outside to have a conversation 1 on 1 like you suggested yeah things did not go very well

I understand that everybody has free will and can talk when they want to and how they want to and all that jazz

And I can too

And I don't want to try and take someone's free will away

But he and my mother have both tried to basically fuck with my autonomy and micro manage and try to control me at a level that's insane my entire life and none of it's normal and dad always comes into therapy trying to act like a perfect little angel until he cracks or I say something and he reacts and the therapist finally sees beyond the bullshit

And I'm scared that this is all going to go exactly like the last time that I've tried to get him in therapy with me and I don't want to give up and I'm scared that I'm going to have to give up and just say goodbye and grieve

And I don't want to do that

And I would really like it if you would listen to all of the recordings when you have the time I understand that you're a very busy person I understand that Everybody is very busy I get it

Speaking of being your own person and being busy I really don't appreciate when my parents think that I have no life and I'm just gonna have to make room in my schedule for them and they can't make room and they're scheduled for me on certain things now they're agreeing to come to therapy is new and And I'm not mad about that

I'm actually really pleased with both of them and I'm really happy about it and I'm hoping that something positive can come out of it

I'm capable of growth and I hope my parents are and I hope they're not pulling the same stupid bullshit they do every single time and I would love for you to see how it really is

And he did this when I saw Robin

And he manipulated her to the point where she thought I was just fucking insane

And my best friend at the time was going behind my back and speaking to my dad and they were both very concerned about me and I was having trouble because every year starting in about July I start freaking out until my birthday hits and I do not know why this happens it's every single fucking year

I just have a massive bout of anxiety that lasts from like the middle to end of June till my birthday sometimes it starts in July and I don't know why shit escalates till then II never understood that I don't know if I had some sort of trauma that happened this time of year and my body has kept the score or whatever but that is disturbing to me and it's something that Needs to be worked out in therapy I guess I don't know

I would really like to look into the alternative treatments my brain already feels pretty fucking broken so I mean I'm about to find out how much it fucking costs because I Don't Know what else to do and I Don't Know if I have the Money to pay for it but I'm kind of desperate for some damn relief because I'm hyper vigilant Right Now and I was hypervigilant this morning and it hasn't Gone Away all fucking day and I had Heart palpitations and that was very scary it's Always very scary and I Don't Know what's causing that and I Don't Know WHY my dad was weird and I Don't understand a lot of things that Everybody else does and I Feel like I'm left out of this club of understanding

And I'm angry I'm not always sad but I'm angry I have so much anger and I don't want it anymore

But it's a really bad thing to have happened to me and I wish that I could have hunt down the people that hurt me the most I wish I could hunt them down but I can't do that

I'm not a bad person I don't hurt people on purpose I don't think in an evil way

I have a hard time understanding people that aren't neurodivergent thinkers.

They don't make sense to me.

It seems like everybody chose a bit to stick to and I don't get it. It looks like everybody has some sort of script and unspoken rules and all this shit that doesn't make any sense to me all these weird social rules that are just so many steps when it could be so much simpler

And it can be jarring to people when I say things and I don't understand what it is that I've said that's hurt their feelings and I don't know why I should even care anymore when they don't seem to care about what they're doing to me or people like me

And I don't like this fetish shit about autistic people that's been on TV like yeah I know they got paid I know that they got everything explained to them about that reality TV show and shit but it's just disgusting to me that it's just let's put some autistic people on TV to find love and all these neurotypical people are just like oh my God they're so adorable as if they're like some sort of animal when that's no it's another fucking person

I will happily do every single sort of testing you would like to do on me because I just want to know the answers to why I'm having issues I would like to rule out the things that's not happening

I would like to shut that part of my brain up

I would like to shut up lots of parts of my brain but I don't know how it's exhausting it's exhausting just thinking a lot

I feel worn out and I didn't even do a lot today other than sit and talk with you and my dad and I talked with other people today and I visited with other people today but it wasn't more than I do other days but I'm exhausted like I ran a marathon and this happens after therapy sessions sometimes

Sometimes I come home from there but not just therapy with you just therapy in general and in the past and I would just come home and lay on my bed and I would literally have a sort of narcoleptic thing happened where I would just fall asleep my brain would completely shut down and make me go night night

And then I would jolt awake 5 minutes to 10 minutes later not understanding why I was passing out and Doctor Todd was trying to figure out if I had any sort of narcolepsy or if it was just PTSD related but then he got COVID and then he was going to come back to work and help me figure out some sort of sleep medication to help me with my insomnia and worked on the weird reactions that I was having and then He did not get better and he fucking died

And I miss my old Doctor so much

And I hope so much grief I am so angry and I'm so exhausted and I just quit quit hurting inside and it's not depression

Depression is a very distinctive feeling for me this feels like I have a giant gaping wounded my chest that won't heal

That's what it feels like not the depression the grief the grief doesn't stop

The anger does not go away I am so angry for all the things that have happened to me and none of it gets any Justice and I can't get myself to move forward because the people that hurt me were never fucking punished for it but I got punished and I still get punished and it's an unnatural amount of bad shit that just continuously happens to me and I don't understand

I mean I could have Travis back for a session and he could tell you examples of just me having a hell of a time with just one thing after another and I've seen other doctors and therapists and they noticed that it's a trend and it's not just mean being negative or whatever it's just literally like I have bad luck or something

I mean it's Louisiana maybe I need to go see a spiritual worker and do a cleansing bath maybe I have some sort of spells set on me I don't fucking know

I don't think it's anything like that. If it was then I know what I'm supposed to do to make it go away but it's not that because that is like a psychological thing for the most part and the rest of it's kind of just unexplainable witchcraft or whatever you want to call it Perhaps unexplained science perhaps something to do with string theory and the universe not being locally real and all that crap

Don't get me started on the universe not being locally real because I know entirely too much about that shit and I wish that was more my special interest that I would ever about instead of like other stuff that bothers people

But it seems like everything about me bothers people sometimes

And it seems like sometimes I'm overtaking and sometimes nothing is bothering anybody and I just think that but you know there's been times where I've walked away from people like the other night and they were like that girl was fucking insane and it really hurt my feelings but I blew it off and continued hanging around people that weren't assholes

And why that was easy because those people were not important to me because I don't know them because I have 0 connection with people with no emotional depth

I don't understand how my father can be treating my mother so fucking awful when she's just talking to him and she says things just like me that come out of her mouth that are really fucking rude sounding and it seems like she's having a lot of the same problems as me and so is my dad and my sister as well but whose fault is all of this

And it really boils down to the extreme amount of abuse and crazy shit I was exposed to growing up that fucked up my psycho social stages and I suppose that happened with all of them as well in their childgood and shit and I tried so hard I have tried so hard to do everything in my power to make sure that my sister did not have horrible things happened to her and tried to teach her things to keep her safe and I still feel very hurt and betrayed by her and I wish that she would talk to me and I wish I could get an apology and I wish I could work things out with her Because I think I have more hope working things out with her sometimes but then other times she's just fucking nasty to meAnd yes she's a 20 two-year-old idiot and I don't exactly like her right now and she probably doesn't like me and she's been a fucking asshole telling me that I can't go to the same venues she goes to and enjoy myself I can't go to the same shows she's gonna have to get Uber that because I'm not going to hide away in an apartment forever because that's not going to help me get better it's going to be good for me to have a safe quiet place to live if I can ever fucking move out of this hell hole And probably will get put in another hell hold because I would try to explain to my dad what I need and he keeps not understanding that the things he is trying toPush on me are not going to work

I understand that I need to be financially independent but I don't understand how to do anything under the table I'm very worried about getting caught I'm very paranoid that I'm gonna get in trouble I have a constant fear of getting in trouble and getting punished and I always feel like I'm getting punished every time anybody is mad at me and I'm scared

And I was scared today sitting there next to my father who I haven't seen or spoken to in 6 months and it was very hard for me not to just get up and start screaming at him and crying and asking him why he wasn't sitting there apologizing to me about anything

Because I wanted an apology and I couldn't think when you were asking me what I wanted to get out of the session because I couldn't think I couldn't think it all my mind went blank I had all these things that I wanted to get out of the session I think I even wrote some of them down in this Tumblr journal

In my mind we're blank and I was trying so hard to listen and I don't know what happened

I was trying to participate and be present and interact and I didn't shut down I did in that moment actually hear what happened but I Don't Know if it was me or part of me that heard it and now I Don't remember it and I'm Mad about it because I was trying very hard to actively ListenI probably could have repeated it back to you if you had asked me to repeat it and now I can't for the life of me remember and I'm really upset about that

I mean I have a lot of distressing things going on that aren't therapy things

I'm having a lot of chronic pain I was in so much pain today in session and I don't think anybody understood that because I don't sit there and cry but I wasn't enough pain to cry and it wouldn't have helped my situation which is my muscles cramp up like Charlie horses and they do not release no matter how much I try to relax and I've seen a neuromuscular Doctor and they couldn't figure it out and I've seen a regular neurologist and he can't figure out shit that's going on with me

And people are treating me like a hypochondriac and I'm not one

And I have about a million things to do around my apartment and I need to clean and organize and do all this stuff but I can't take the adderalls that I have left like every single day because I'm just going to run out and the current Doctor I'm seeing is not wanting to prescribe it because med combo or some bullshit that he scared that the medical board will be mad at him and spank him

I missed Doctor Todd because he was not scared to go face the medical board and explain the case to them But he also has the advantage of being a neurologist in the past and also being a lawyer

This Doctor told me to get medical marijuana and encouraged it because it helps people with PTSD and it does sometimes help me but I weren't and got on it for pain and now he's having a temper tantrum that I'm smoking weed and I'm like well what do you want me to do I don't really necessarily want to take opiates and I can't go get anti-inflammatory shots constantly because that's going to really fuck me up

And then sometimes I sit back and I'm like well I'm gonna die 1 day and it's probably gonna be earlier than I would like lake whether it's natural causes or I finally just lose my shit at some point I don't know hopefully I'll get better and that won't happen

But it does scare me sometimes especially when I'm in PTSD flare-ups that the more stress and stimuli that I gethe more upset and triggered I get by like everything.

Right now I don't even remember what the fuck else I was going to say because my own thoughts are going so fast that I couldn't hold on to the thought I had before and this is hell

And no I still don't think that I shut down in the session like I just Was listening and I did make a noise but I made a noise because I was about to say something and I stopped myself and I guess I shifted or did something that made you think that I was shutting down but I really don't like people assuming things like that I would rather be asked if I'm shutting down because I know what that feels like and I know when I'm shutting down

Me shutting down is me going completely non verbal and not being able to really reply

I don't sit there and not listen I don't stop listening sometimes I have some auditory processing issues and I hear the first part of something or I hear the last part of something but the rest of it didn't register

And sometimes people can be talking to me and I just associate but it's not on purpose and then I miss half of what they said and then I'm too embarrassed to ask

And I don't know Joshua I don't fucking know I feel like I'm a fucking lost cause sometimes

You know like I am my worst critic aside from my parents in my fucking sister

I am meaner to myself than anybody could ever be

There's no reason for anybody to fuss at me because I'm already fussing at myself inside my skull

There's no reason for anyone to ever raise their voice at me because I'm already screaming at myself on the inside I'm aware of most of the things that I do but I don't do them on purpose I don't sit there and plan that I'm gonna do or say the bad thing it's just kind of compulsively pop out of my mouth and then sometimes I'm even shocked by it because I'm like that came out of my mouth what the fuck

Sometimes I can articulate very well and speak really well and sometimes I feel like a scared child and I can't talk and I feel really shy and I want to curl into a ball and hide in someone's make any sense

And I had to ask Travis if we could go to the grocery store when he has some time because I haven't been able to get my ass to a fucking grocery store and get groceries because I can't fucking do it by myself because it's too overwhelming so I've been having to go to the Dollar General and get overly processed stuff that makes me feel terrible and eat that instead of going to another store because the bigger stores are very overwhelming and then ordering groceries is a fucking nightmare Because I can't decide on shit it takes me sometimes an entire day and then I will get upset and have a breakdown and cry and I won't even be able to press the order button or I'll look at the cost of it and It'll be like a 100 fucking dollars extra because I'm ordering it and it's a lot of groceries I'm getting so I don't have to go to the store or order them again and I can just make the food but I haven't been able to cook for myself very well or do the things that I used to do like go to bed at a decent time and wake up and go to the fucking farmer's market and shit like that and I hate this

I hate what I have turned into and I don't know what that is I don't know what's going on with this

And I'm trying so hard to process this and everything else meanwhile I'm in serious pain and I don't want to smoke weed yet because I am not ready to do that

I probably should have already to calm the fuck down a little bit but I don't wanna rely on it for everything

But my other choice is suffering and being in pain so I'm going to have to and I don't know why I punish myself like this because I basically am I'm so harming by not taking something for the pain and I don't know why I'm like this I don't know why I'm just

I don't know why I punish myself I just realized that that's what I'm doing I'm punishing myself but also other people have punished me and that's all I know

And Travis came over and helped with the cat litter boxes and the trash and he asked if I wanted help in the kitchen and I told him no because I can stand and do that a little bit at a time and I'm too embarrassed to ask for help for anything else and he doesn't exactly have the best joints either so I'm not going to ask for much more help

And I don't even like asking for help it's embarrassing to me

There's so many people out there that are so judgmental towards me and I hate it because they don't know me they don't know what I go through they don't know what it feels like to be me

And I'm trying so hard to quit Craig because it's not helping my pain at all

I can disassociate from my pain and maybe that's what made it hard to concentrate in session I don't know

Because like I can't be stoned constantly and I can't take paint pills constantly and I can't get any relief from ibuprofen or Tylenol an approxen or the easy stuff that's over thecause my pain levels are at chronic pain levels

If I had to rate it out of 10 on the chronic paint scale I have to say that it waffles between 5 and 9 because I know if I say tin I have to go to the fucking ER

I mean dude I walked around with a Fucking fractured knee that apparently healed back up but he'll back up wrong and I didn't even know it I was just like Hey guys my knee hurts and I'm having trouble going up-and-down the stairs and they're like OK and then like nobody thought that anything was wrong or looked at it until I got a new room at colleges and they were like when the hell did you break your knee when did this happen and I was like I have no idea what you're talking about and she's like look at this big fracture mark that healed up and I'm like holy shit

So yeah that kind of fracture would have caused me a lot of pain and yet at 1 point I was walking around on a knee that hurt really bad and I don't know when that was but I remember my knee hurting like a motherfucker for quite a while

I don't even feel human half the time I don't feel like I have alone here I feel like some sort of creature or alien or non-human entito t sometimes and it's just weird but it's also like a common thing that a lot of people experience and I don't like it

[furrywerewolfmilkshake]

Oh yay. Having an absolutely GREAT start to this fucking day 🙄. Woke up after like 4.5 (I Guess that's more than I've been getting. I guess) hours of sleep and am Just as fuckin suicidal as yesterday. And now the place I'm supposed to get my bloodwork done for my hrt has apparently just. Not even heard of me so That's great too! Just gna go to my appt w no bloodwork done I guess. And so I'm pretty damn mad today already. It's a Scary combo to be pissed and very suicidal at the have time ugh. Whatever ain't like it fuckin matters

[pesterloglog]

Rosebot, Dirk Strider

Page 29-31

ROSEBOT: Tidying all finished?

DIRK: In a manner of speaking.

DIRK: I've given Terezi the all clear.

DIRK: Or, I guess just kinda pissed her off enough to kick this whole thing off once and for all.

ROSEBOT: Okay.

ROSEBOT: ...

ROSEBOT: So, I guess today is finally the day everything's been heading towards.

DIRK: You could put it like that, yeah.

DIRK: At least, we're aiming to frame it that way.

DIRK: Our actions from this point on will form part of a crucial inner mechanism, tucked away behind the tightly sealed metallic service hatch of reality.

DIRK: One which will be of our own creation, but which by all practical considerations might as well have always been there.

DIRK: And if we're successful, the distinction won't be significant enough to matter to just about anybody.

DIRK: They'll be too busy getting their mind's dicks collectively blown.

ROSEBOT: Would you say that we're imploring people to "suck on this"?

DIRK: Oh absolutely. Get the hand-illuminated invitations ready on the fucking double.

ROSEBOT: Hilarious fellatioid imagery notwithstanding, there's something about today that feels...

DIRK: Exciting?

DIRK: I can understand that. We've been waiting a long time.

ROSEBOT: I was going to say "portentous".

ROSEBOT: With both the positive and negative connotations that word usually has.

DIRK: You've got misgivings, then.

ROSEBOT: I wouldn't even go so far as to call it that.

ROSEBOT: What I'm feeling is hard to explain to someone whose being is not inextricably linked with the very concept of fortune.

ROSEBOT: The sensation probably doesn't even have a name, come to think of it.

ROSEBOT: Not too many people have ever been in our position before.

DIRK: Just about none, I'd bet.

ROSEBOT: Right.

ROSEBOT: But if I had to describe it, I'd say that misgivings, hunches, doubts and so on are supported on a foundation of un-knowing.

ROSEBOT: And along with that absence of knowledge comes a commensurate feeling of dread or worry. Fear about the potential calamity yet to come.

ROSEBOT: On the other hand, while feelings of positive anticipation also tend to stem from a lack of certainty about the future,

ROSEBOT: The presumption of good fortune allows the uncertainty to become excitement.

ROSEBOT: It's the glee of a child who knows not what the gift contains, but can evaluate from prior experience that it's likely to be something good.

DIRK: Can't empathize.

ROSEBOT: Dirk, you are tragically capable of sucking all joy and convivial sentiment out of basically every situation you find yourself in.

DIRK: Thanks.

DIRK: Anyway, this feeling you were talking about. I take it that we're not dealing with either giddy enthusiasm or paranoid foreboding, then.

ROSEBOT: No. My point is that the present moment feels like neither of those two cases.

ROSEBOT: But crucially, it's not because there is nothing to anticipate. Far from it.

ROSEBOT: Instead, it feels like the very notion of fortune is simply out of the question as a means of describing the potential outcome.

ROSEBOT: As though in this moment, luck isn't either strictly real or not real, or somewhere inbetween, but absent of meaning completely.

ROSEBOT: Luck took one look at our itinerary from here on out and said you'll just have to go on without me.

DIRK: Luck rolled over the other side of the dictionary and said not tonight sweetheart, I've got a wicked fuckin' headache.

ROSEBOT: Exactly.

ROSEBOT: Except now I'm the one with the migraine.

DIRK: Well whatever that means, it doesn't sound good.

DIRK: I didn't know that robots could even get headaches.

ROSEBOT: I'd say it's more of an ontological, existential headache, but that already describes basically everything that's ever happened to us up until now.

ROSEBOT: And also sounds as fake as shit.

DIRK: Is there nothing I can say that'd take the weight off your mind?

DIRK: For what it's worth, I think we've got this plan riding at a level experts might describe as "pretty solid".

DIRK: We scanned for Sburban technology, so we know for sure this is the right planet. Wheels are already in motion and all that.

DIRK: This thing is on lock-down. Hermetically sealed, even.

DIRK: Shit's tighter than a pair of English-occupied micro-shorts.

ROSEBOT: You aren't going to believe this, but it turns out that the deranged horny ramblings of a spurned anime-obsessive have essentially no therapeutic properties whatsoever.

ROSEBOT: And contrary to common wisdom, talking about the problem doesn't seem to have eased my state of mind either.

ROSEBOT: I doubt you could say anything to make me feel better. If anything, I feel worse now than I already did.

ROSEBOT: It's like the notion I was trying to describe was so conceptually insubstantial, so resistant to concrete definition within any meaningful frame of reference, that even thinking about it as an idea made *me* somehow existentially unsound.

ROSEBOT: And not in the way I used to always feel, back before John made the choice to validate our canonical existences axiomatically.

ROSEBOT: Foreboding I can deal with. I'm a Seer. Sooths are mine to say.

ROSEBOT: But this is different.

DIRK: Well, if talking about it didn't help, maybe talking about how it felt to talk about it might just enlarge the problem geometrically.

ROSEBOT: Fair point.

DIRK: What's that noise I'm hearing.

DIRK: It sounds a little bit like a cat being caught in a ventilation fan. A sort of...

DIRK: Inhuman screeching, combined with the grinding of metal.

DIRK: Are we even going to make it to the ground?

ROSEBOT: Oh, no,

ROSEBOT: The ship's fine as far as I can tell.

ROSEBOT: That's just Terezi laughing.

DIRK: Oh.

DIRK: She's... enjoying this, isn't she.

ROSEBOT: I suppose so.

ROSEBOT: ...

ROSEBOT: Haha.

DIRK: What?

ROSEBOT: The mood is kind of infectious actually.

ROSEBOT: I suppose it's about time we had a little fun around here.

DIRK: Glad to hear it.

DIRK: ...

DIRK: Rose?

ROSEBOT: Yes Dirk.

DIRK: ...

DIRK: How do you feel about games?

[minimoefoe]

realised that when a cat is in the carriers we got and you pick it up the floor of the carrier like, doesn't keep its shape bc its made of fabric and not anything solid and I told my dad and he was like 'meh that's only when you pick it up tho' and I'm like... first of yeah no shit, its not gonna get misshapen when it's on solid ground is it and second of all, that's.. the entire issue like he basically just said 'it only is mishapen at the exact time when it needs to keep its shape' fucking idiot

the cats already don't like being in their carriers so putting them in a carrier where the floor isn't stable is gonna stress them out even more. google actually said that nervous cats should get plastic carriers and not fabric ones bc they're harder to escape from but usually my cats just meow a lot when theyre in the carriers, they dont really try and get away so that shouldn't be a massive issue

they literally have vets today so there's not much that can be done unless my dad has two bits of perfectly sized wood that we can slot into them. we have two other plastic carriers that we used when we took them last time but if we have to use them this time then I'm gonna have to go with my mum (bc carrying the two plastic carriers is difficult but the fabric ones are way easier to carry on your own) and I'd really rather not have to do that

I was gonna message my mum about it but idk how to word it so im gonna have to just wait and mention it to her when she gets home from work. there'll be like an hour between then and when they have to be at the vets so we'll have that time to either fix it or find the plastic carriers we have.

if she doesn't see why it's a problem I might lose my fuckin mind bc it's so obvious why the floor of a cat carrier needs to be solid. like, let's be fuckin serious for five seconds. my dad's instant dismissal of it really pissed me off

edit: I phoned her and she was like asking how bad it was and I was like well it's not great and THEN she made a comment like 'well it'll only be when we go from house to car and from car to vet and then back again' and I'm like YEAH and that's still a problem. like. if they're gonna be uncomfortable everytime we have to move them then that's a problem even if the trip is only 30 seconds long each time like ??????

anyways I said I'd try and figure out a way to sort it but if I can't then I'm gonna have to go up with her which irritates me but whatever I guess

edit 2.0: found some bits of wood that fit in pretty well god BLESS. one of the bits of wood is a bit thicker so gotta make sure the lighter cat goes in that one so it's easier to carry lmao. although the fatter cat being in the one with thicker wood probs makes more sense stability-wise but we tested it with the bigger cat (bc she's the only one around rn) and she was fine in both of them so it should be cool

[deeisace]

Written at about 2am and then not posted, kept cs it's sleep-deprived stream-of-consciousness weirdness

---

Aw man I should not have stayed up to watch Deadloch

It is fuckin insane tho

And I'm having Thoughts that need to be Solved by Ao3

And also I have to leave for work in. 4 hours.

And also I really need the loo again but I'm scared of waking up the guy downstairs

The uh the plan is. To leave a bit earlier for work. And then go at the train station. Is the plan. :/

It's a bad plan and I acknowledge that. But it's where we're at today huh

(6am edit: you'll be pleased to know "the plan" did not go ahead, I have been brave enough to use my own goddamn lavatory. Fuckin insane behaviour)

I'm gonna need so many energy drinks to get through tomorrow. But at least I can go the loo at work I guess.

I'm fully aware I've constructed a bonkers situation for myself. Or like. Built my own on the guy downstairs' bonkersness. At least I'm aware of it?

Anyway I'm gonna uhhhhh go to Ao3 now. And suffer for a few more hours. Y'know. And not move an inch cs my bed is really creaky cs it's fuckin broken cs the one fella came to fix my window before I had a chair to stand on so he stood on my bed instead? Cs the windows are really fuckin high in this house

I miss sash windows. Like sometimes the rope inside will snap cs no-one's replaced it since at latest 1926, but at least you can still like reach to open the fuckers anyway, and all you need is a proppy uppy thing. I can't reach to open these windows without climbing on my bed/desk/toilet and there's no fuckin breeze comes through even you do get them open cs they're too high, and they're what's the word for cold drafty draugy fuckin english they don't work in winter either and they have wobbly handles but that's a good thing cs it's the only way I can reach enough to close them again

Anyway that should be okay soon cs they're getting replaced next month or when, but also that doesn't solve the problems I'm currently experiencing which is I'm not asleep and I really fuckin badly need a piss

I hope the fella downstairs only has a six-month contract an he fucks off after, cs even tho the windows are shitty and I live in one room I really fuckin love this house I don't want to move to another house

I've never lived in more than one room my own what do people do with space? Fill it with sofas, or something? Fuckin kitchen islands idk

I don't have the spends anyway like I could deffo go into my savings but I'd still have to work more and I don't want to do that I'm fuckin tired

I mean currently that is cs I've been awake for 21 hours apart from the standing up nod off on the train home, but that is not the point

Fuckin pay me more so I can be like alive and have a nice time and and and fuckin And at work they said if we got a certain amount of reviews this quarter then all the store staff would get a bonus each?

A few years ago it was just the management would, and then they changed it to say all staff, but the targets were still bullshit nonsense so no-one's ever got one, even our store manager who's got a funny little glass award on his desk for working at this company longer than I've been alive right, But! then they changed it to be an achievable thing, 100 reviews in 3 months and keep the average stars thing good, which we can do cs we've done it before it was a bonus thing but now it is, right

And then like two weeks ago, right when we were nearly got it like celebrating whooo ten left to get, the fuckers turned and said actually every single store in the area has to get the same thing for anyone to qualify for the bonus, which includes isle of mann which gets like one review every month or smth cs obviously reviews don't matter when you know the whole town and are just catching up with Joanie who's buying a new tarp or whatever, why would you ask Joanie to give you a review, it doesn't make sense, there's no point in it obviously, and it shouldn't effect anybody else on a whole different fuckin landmass. Explain to me the fuckin logic there. Fuckin head office fuckers

Give me the money you fuckin owe me for smiling at cunts as call me "darling" and misgender me to high fuckin heaven and back or I will find a new job

I mean. I won't, cs nowhere that's not fuckin dire as shit is hiring and also I don't know how to do business things myself and fuck going back to uni either

What's that post of I just want to have 17 hobbies or whatever like that

Or like. Make more shit and learn how to sell whatever fuckin weird shit I make

Also I miss the woods, cities are shit

Like phone reception is nice and you can buy more stuff I guess but everything is grey and shitty and I miss sitting in trees

I'll be better once I've slept at all I imagine, it's just when I'm tired I'm a grumpy fuck and I hate like all the stuff cs all the stuff is bullshit fuckin not really rat race or whatever you say cs my job is the lowest pressure you can get except when four different people want seven different pairs of shoes and there's a parcel needs getting and some fucker stops you on the stairs to ask inane questions about tent pegs and now you've forgotten a shoe you were sposed to get and actually now you're back with the non-waterproof kids shoes I asked for can I borrow some socks and what sandals would you recommend for Everest and one of the people who asked for leather boots has fully disappeared in a puff of smoke and will wander back from fuck-knows-where in five minutes while you're serving a family of ten at the till to demand why you didn't tell them you'd got the leather boots for them and actually I can feel my toes reaching the end of the boot I'm gonna need you to get me three sizes down from this and then I'll blame you for why I got blisters just from standing up somehow and there's an incredibly old man here to ask you to get some trousers down from the high shelf but the ASM's hidden the footstool again in a brand new place cs it's untidy to leave it where you can find it ever apparently and oh oh lovely some guy got bored waiting for the fitting room and is now trying tshirts on just stood around and someone's helpfully wrecked a display or two and half the sunglasses have been spirited out the door while you blinked and someone came to ask if a camping store sells pajamas and another twenty people have stormed out cs of the membership thing and and and

Tho tbf it's usually only like that at Xmas really, the rest of the time it's mostly dead

Well I'm gonna see if I can get 3 hours steep

[dzpenumbra]

9/14/22

The apartment is mine. At least pending a background check and I have no criminal record so... I should be all good. The process has been fuckin weird though. They wanted a deposit up-front before processing my application. I mentioned that yesterday. It feels sketchy. But... I mean... more than that... it feels indicative of a really bad time in history. I mean... we're in a housing crisis, right? And we have been for well over a year. And this woman was kinda acting as though the absolute only thing that mattered was money. And like I needed to provide her some kind of security that I wasn't just gonna skip out and go rent another place. Bro, there aren't any other fucking places, isn't it glaringly obvious? It was just really weird to me, still is. Like... what is the message I'm supposed to get from "we need a 2k deposit before we even look at your application"? I honestly don't know what message I'm supposed to be interpreting here. The best guess I have is "if you act now, you can guarantee this apartment." But... like... how do they know they want me there?

The whole process has been very impersonal and distant. I don't like it at all. I haven't liked any bit of this. I put in a ton of effort to be very deliberate about how I was going to apply, what information I was going to share and how. I still haven't spoken to this woman. The whole thing has just been frantic and completely controlled by this landlord's demands. It's felt very... well I said this morning that it felt like what I imagine applying for a job in Silicon Valley would be like. Very cold, impersonal, all over-inflated lies on paper, people giving prepared responses and code-phrases, spewing out buzzwords and shit. All I wanted this whole fuckin time was to sit down and have a chat with whoever was going to be deciding to give me a roof over my head and make a first impression. Now, I just have a place to live. It's weird. It feels like I just got a dorm on a college campus or something.

Welp, guess that's just what living in an apartment building is gonna be like. Guess I've been living in a small town for too long, it's been over 10 years. Maybe I just forgot that we're all doing this "I don't have to know you, you don't have to know me" thing. As though it's advantageous to not know me. Whatever, I don't wanna dwell on it, we'll see how it plays out. That's just the note my day started on.

My brother reached out to me to touch base about a project I gave him. He's a super talented musician. I asked him to make a ton of streaming music for me, a playlist of good atmospheric background stuff I can put on loop. He got back to me, apparently he made some. I haven't listened to it yet. Because I asked him if he wanted to talk about the plan going forward and what the next steps were and he blew me off until "maybe tomorrow" because he "had a lot of reading to do". ... Yeah. And only other friend blew me off on setting up the Minecraft server and went to spend the night at his girlfriend's house, because obviously that means he can't like... do ANYTHING AT ALL with me. It's weird how people act in those relationships sometimes. I don't know. I'm holding back, I don't want to engage with this frustration. I'm mostly pissed here because I just overcame a life-crippling obstacle today and I kinda wanted to celebrate a bit, but instead I was blown off by literally everyone I know. So, that sucks. At least my Mom was willing to chat and send some good vibes. She even offered to get me takeout, but I didn't wanna put her out driving in the rain.

I don't know, man. I really think I just need people in my life who want to share their life with me, and share my life as well. All this keeping me at arms length shit that so many people do, it's fucking with my head. I'm pretty sure it already has.

I am afraid of intimacy because I have basically never had it. I have in fleeting moments, and moments of illusion, but it has been unfathomably rare in my life. It is pretty much my entire life goal, too. I've been thinking about that a bunch, which seems like a good thing to do just... in general... I just haven't really spent much time on the future, I've always figured it's gonna just happen anyway, why bother trying to control it? But that hasn't worked out great for me, so I'm gonna try to compromise a bit. I really feel like the whole point of life is to learn. To live, obviously, because... you know... you're alive. To try to seek a fulfilling life-experience, pursuing passions, feeling life to its fullest. To learn as much as you can. To pass that learning on, and exchange it with others. To share life with others, share yourself with others.

Like we're all just sensory organs for the collective human race. Who is an extension of the animal kingdom. Which is an extension of Life itself. We're just walking lumps of sensory equipment - cameras, microphones, kinetic sensors, whatever the fuck taste buds are and however the fuck your nose works, damn I didn't realize I didn't know how smell works, I should probably learn that. We gather information, we interpret our environments and our experiences. We process that information and store it as memory, we collect, and stitch a narrative and framework of world understanding. And we share this information, this narrative, this framework, every time we interact with others. This is a contribution to the language of Life itself. The information then spreads and mixes, much in the same way as a viral video or a meme. It saturates and becomes part of culture, which is the impact you have on the world, on history. Your impact, your contribution, is only worth what you put into it, and what you can put into it. In order for one to contribute to society beyond just one degree, 1). they must try 2). they must be received 3). that information must be spread.

I am not a hermit by choice. I simply avoid social gatherings. I have consistently welcomed individuals into my life over the past several years, very openly and very eagerly. My door is always unlocked, quite literally. I have offered a room in my house to several people. I just keep getting rejected. Like... I shit you not... I had a fight with a friend that I used to live in Boston with because we weren't really talking very often and I bashfully and anxiously requested that he check in a little more often because I was getting a bit stir-crazy. This was the pandemic of course, lockdown, and I live alone and wasn't talking to... anyone at the time really. He fought with me over it, he ended the friendship over it. I have talked to him once since when he came to get his shit that I stored for him for free in my spare room. I did not choose that outcome, in fact, I was reaching out to connect even more, to connect as much as I could, and it ended up severing the only social contact I had.

My only social problem recently has been that I am just not present on social media... and I really suck at just going to random social places in person by myself. I always have. If I'm going to the skatepark or something, I could maybe make it work, but... I don't know, it just really puts me off, has for like over 10 years. I wish I could define it better. I guess I just feel really sad with it. I don't like being in a place dedicated to social interaction and just sitting there by myself. People never approach me, it never goes the way people hint it's going to. Like I always got the advice "go to the bookstore coffee shop and just sit there and draw for a while". You know what happens? I listen to shitty castrated jazz. I drink super-overpriced coffee. I eat decent food. I draw by myself for an hour and a half. People give me a wide berth. I pack up and leave. Every time. I can just do that shit at home and listen to my own damn music. The whole point of going was for it to be social, and no one ever approaches, so why bother? I gave up on that shit super quick. Skatepark is a bit different, but it's mostly kids honestly. There's basically no one my age, and if there is they tend to be worlds better than I am at skating. It's rarely an in-depth conversation, usually small-talk.

But if I go to a social location with a friend? That's when shit pops off. That's when people start socializing. If I have someone to riff off of, it works pretty damn effectively.

This was actually a pretty defining moment when I really noticed that my ex was not the right person for me - even though I didn't know it at the time at all. Took me years to really process it. I had just gotten back from a friend's wedding, which she did not go with me to... which is still weird since I offered to pay and everything, but there was some side-action way back that was a bit sketchy so... who knows exactly what was going on there... I digress... Not a place my 4:30 AM brain needs to go today. I wanted to get back to living life. I was just sick and on meds all the time and a complete wreck. She was just frantically working all the time. I had us go on a date to the closest major mall that had IMAX. We were going to see The Last Jedi, because I'm a big Star Wars fan and I got her into the series too. That should give a timeframe around when this was. I remember walking through the mall with her and sorta strutting around and being goofy. It had been years since I had done that, I missed it, I was finally reconnecting with it. We went up to the ticket counter and I asked for tickets, but I very intentionally put my inflection emphasis on the wrong word. I asked for two tickets for The Last Jedi. It's a subtle joke, not even really a joke, more just... something out of place. It shakes things up a bit, puts the other person on their toes, disorients them, which is a good way to get a giggle while making a little bit of an ass of yourself. My ex immediately brought full attention to the joke, started giggling and diffusing the situation basically. That moment right there, that reaction right there. That was really helpful in me learning what I really need in my life. I need someone who will go with the bit. I need someone who will say "yes, and". And who is beaming with excitement to do that. That will change my life.

I just kinda need that in my life all around, in any form. I need synergy. I need harmony. And resonance. Long periods of extreme isolation get you to a place where it seems like it's a myth. Or an extremely endangered species. This is to the point where I doubt I ever really had it at any point, and end up doubting that it exists, and then not bothering to waste the energy trying to hunt down Sasquatch.

But I need it. It's the key piece in bringing my life's purpose together, and the one piece I can't create myself. So I just need to reacquaint myself with venues of social interaction nowadays. My Discord is dead, I type on here every night, I sometimes read Reddit but have no friends there, my Twitch has 2 chatters unless one is streaming, the Twitch rooms I visit are too big to meet people in. So... I just don't have a place to meet anyone. I'm open to suggestions if anyone reading this that somehow got this far down wants to put out there, if they've ever had any luck. I'm sure I've asked before. I'll get back on the dating apps when I move. Oh yeah, the move date is gonna be mid-November, so that's good news. I've got some time to get my shit packed and say my goodbyes to the area.

Alright, meandering train of thought has come to a halt for a bit, it's as good a time as any to head to sleep. Here's my first real bit of celebration for my new home. YAY! Okay, I'll try to get someone else to give a shit about this tomorrow. Goodnight, moon.

[narconfessions]

See I don’t get that. Why is the default kindness? Not everyone deserves ur kindness bc they exist in ur presence. Actually being rude takes effort, being nice also takes effort. Treating people neutrally doesn’t take effort. I’m not expending the energy to b nice to someone I don’t give a shit about. People r only rlly nice to other people bc it makes them feel like a good person anyway. The whole concept of good and bad people is fucked to begin with it’s a subjective metric we use to judge everyone else and doesn’t mean shit. To some people shoplifting would make me a bad person even if I’m only doing it because I can’t afford it. God fuckin forbid I just don’t wanna pay and it’s fun. Horrible person. Going to hell shame on me. It’s fucking ridiculous. Or being gay, or addicted to drugs, or believing in a different god, not believing in god, whatever it is someone’s gonna think ur a bad person but someone else doesn’t. So if I don’t smile and say please and thank u and bend over fuckin backwards for someone I don’t care about who’s already judged me based on a system that doesn’t make sense that’s my choice. Not meaning to sound like a dick tbh I do just talk like this and I’ve been told it’s harsh or whatever so I guess that’s the “being rude” thing when I’m literally just talking but I don’t give enough of a shit to change how I express myself to make other people feel comfortable. And the rant was not planned when I started replying to u I did run out of meds today my psychiatrist is incompetent and didn’t refill my scrip properly so I’m existing au natural for the next few weeks and it sucks fucking ass. Everything is pissing me off I can’t think straight and I can’t do shit about it which is the worst part.

oh yeah that i get. i think treating people neutrally is perfectly fine, my autistic ass just interpreted "not being kind" as "being mean" and thought you were saying it's okay to be explicitly rude to people who hadn't done anything wrong to you, i agree that morality is subjective in many areas, though to me there are some aspects of morality that aren't up for debate, like bigotry, i just think you shouldn't go out of your way to bring negativity into the lives of strangers, just because you don't know them doesn't mean they're not people, that they don't deserve to be treated with respect- but to me, there's a difference between respect and kindness, treating someone neutrally is perfectly fine to me, i'm just against being explicitly rude/belittling to people who haven't hurt me or someone else is all. idk, i think it has to do with my rsd, because when people aren't overly nice to me i interpret that as them hating me so i get paranoid that if i'm not overly nice to everyone then they'll feel sad or like i hate them and i don't want to make others feel like that, but that's just me and i know that's not everyone so

[razrbladekiss]

Tyrants | Chapter Two - Gutless

WORD COUNT: 4k

WARNINGS: Death (murder), brief descriptions of gore, Isla and Jax doing something very illegal

MASTERLIST

The morning sun was beating down upon the pair a little bit harsher now, inducing a sheen of sweat to coat over Jax's forehead.

But the perspiration could've formed as a result of coming to the realization that he'd just blown the brains out of an ATF agent, left his body to decompose on Tara's bathroom floor, and spilled his guts--not even twenty-four hours later--to Isla.

Jax knew that he could trust her with anything--he always had been able to trust her with anything. But there was something telling him that she didn't exactly feel too wonderful about his revelation.

Her arm lifted to run across her forehead, ridding the skin of a few salty droplets.

"What do you mean--"

"I mean I put a bullet through his fuckin' skull and blew his brains out, Isla! That's what I mean."

He ran a thumb over his lips, realizing that he should've kept his tone subdued so close to the main doors of the clubhouse.

"Jesus, Jax." She breathed out, pinching the bridge of her nose as he started to pace quietly. "I--I can't believe you're telling me this."

Well, she could. Really, there wasn't anything she could've put past Jax anymore. And when it came to Tara...The man was an idiot. Always had been.

"Why was Kohn even at her place?"

Jax was fidgety. Uneasy. She couldn't blame him for that, could she? Because he'd just fucking killed a man--but still.

He wasn't even trying to hide it.

"Or did you lure him there or something--"

"Shut up." He growled, grabbing her bicep with his left hand as he pulled her to the side of the building. "Just listen to me."

"I'm listening, Jax, but you don't seem to be telling me a lot."

Realizing that he wasn't offering very much explanation, he nodded. Jax let go of her and beckoned her closer, pleading eyes melting her fucking heart.

"Isla, please." He wrapped his arms around her, minding the bloodied shirt.

"What do you want me to do?"

Ringed fingers splayed over her cheek, pushing stray blonde hairs out of her face. He sighed hard. Exasperated.

"Help me get rid of him--"

"Jackson--"

"I'm not asking you to lug his dead body to the creek and throw him in. I'm just asking you to offer a helping hand and be a lookout or something."

Isla searched his features for a morsel of something that'd indicate Jax was messing with her. But he was dead serious--his face set to neutral, eyes glazed over.

"But--I--what about Cameron?"

"Tara and Chibs have it covered." He murmured, heeding the apprehension sail over her.

She was as strong and willing as she possibly could've been. Isla was consistently the person that Jax and Opie would turn to for advice when it came to their girls, or when they needed to be pointed in the right direction.

But he'd never asked her to do such a thing before.

Her loyalty outweighed her nervousness, however. He knew she'd never say no to helping him with such a matter--but it was still asking too much.

Chibs would've been furious that Jax felt it necessary to beg Isla for assistance during such a time, too. Hell, Gemma would've admonished him for it.

"Where is he?" She mumbled, hearing the clubhouse door open and an irritated grunt sounding from the front of the lot.

Jax held her close to his chest, a hand tracing over the skin of her shoulder that'd been exposed as the shirt fell to the middle of her arm.

"Tara's place." His whisper was monotonous, bordering on lifeless.

"Okay--when do you need to do this?"

He eyed Tig storming from the building and toward his motorcycle, completely unaware of the two conspiring.

"Tonight." His voice came low and gravely. "I'll ride to her place now, and you go home, get yourself cleaned up, do whatever you've gotta do today, and we'll head there--"

"I'm not cleaning myself up. I'm already covered in blood--I don't think I need to destroy another shirt."

"Okay." Jax's lips rubbed together, almost turning upward into a smile. "But don't follow me out, alright? Go tell Gemma that you don't know where I went, and then you take it from there."

"And if Tara asks..."

A gentle kiss against her forehead almost forced tears to collate in her eyes.

"She won't ask--she knows I've gotta do this."

Isla silenced herself, though she nodded and watched as Tig--pissed as hell--rode out of the lot and onto the street.

She guessed that he was still piqued after she and Chibs yelled at him.

And she was still pissed at Jax, but for a different reason now.

This time, she wanted to slap the shit out of the blonde idiot standing before her, requesting help with disposing of a literal dead body.

Isla couldn't quite believe that Jax had turned to her and not somebody like Opie--somebody who would be able to help a little more physically--but she could only assume that it was more of a trust thing.

He had a lot of faith in her and she lauded that. But it also saw her get thrust into some questionable situations.

"You look like you're gonna puke." Juice stifled a laugh as Isla padded in, the bottom of her shirt wrenched between bloodied fingers. "Are you good?"

"Yeah." Instantly, she responded. "I'm fine. I just need to get my purse."

Clay was nowhere to be seen--possibly in the back room with Chibs and Tara--but Gemma's eyes focused on the blonde's form as she strolled across the wood.

"You don't look fine. Come sit for a little while."

"I'm gonna head home--"

"Where'd Jax go?" Gemma cut in, lifting an eyebrow conspicuously.

Tell Gemma that you don't know where I went.

"I don't know." She frowned, sitting on the barstool opposite the woman. "We shared a cigarette, talked about Abel, and then he told me he had to go--where, I don't know."

Did she feel bad about roping his child into their little lie? Yeah, a bit. But it was foolproof. Gemma never would've suspected anything to do with Abel because, really, Jax brought him up to everyone whenever he got the chance to.

"Ah. He's probably headed over to see him. I'll go--"

"I wouldn't." Isla pushed. "He's trying to get some alone time with him. He said that he hasn't really been able to spend one-on-one time with Abel all too much."

Which wasn't a lie. Jax needed to spend those rare solitary moments with his baby because his mother couldn't seem to leave St. Thomas for more than three hours at a time.

Gemma just hummed, turning away.

She knew how he felt. But she was Abel's grandma--she just wanted to know that he was safe and being looked after.

"I'm sorry, that was mean...I just think he's a little confused right now, and could use five minutes with his son."

"No, you're right." She nodded, unable to heed the trepidation flitting over Isla because she felt bad about coming down on Gemma in such a way.

That woman was a Godsend to Jax, his children, and even Isla's family. She didn't deserve to be randomly admonished for wanting to visit her baby's baby. Not after everything she'd done for them.

Well, besides trying to murder the mother of Jax's first born. That was a little fucked up--even by SAMCRO's standards.

But Isla adored her. For everything she had done for her during the time she'd resided in Charming, Gemma was regarded extremely fucking highly in her book.

"Go home, baby. Get some sleep, too--you need to rest."

Isla waved her off. "I'm not tired, just feelin' a little gross."

"I'd bet." Gemma pushed her lips together, smiling as much as she could've. "You go yourself pretty again, and swing by later for dinner."

"Yes ma'am." She mock saluted, reaching for her purse.

Goodbyes between Isla, Gemma, and Juice were uttered for a few moments before the blonde made her way to the door.

Her eyebrows raised inquisitively, urging her to turn back to the duo.

"Gem?"

"Mhm?"

"Was Tig alright?" Sincerely, she asked. Feeling a little guilty about snapping earlier.

Gemma didn't say anything but her head bobbed in confirmation, providing Isla with the answer she needed.

The Irish in her shone through during instances like those. She was brash in her actions, words, and the fact she'd always speak before she thought--but the solemnity with which she would ponder, apologize after making a mistake, was just so plainly Irish.

Isla was kind. Caring. Nurturing. She was everything that SAMCRO was not--but, at the same time, everything that Chibs was. Reliable. Loyal. Committed. A true ride or fucking die.

Everybody trusted her, and nobody second-guessed confiding in her.

And, once again, that had its reparations alongside a multitude of perks.

"Holy mother of Jesus." She cursed, the unmistakable Belfast twang flickering through her brusque tone.

Jax haphazardly pulled the bed-sheet over Kohn's lifeless frame, turning to face his little friend who was, to put it lightly, fucking stunned.

"You sound super Irish when you're mad."

"I'm glad you could recognize that I'm mad at you, Jax." Her eyes never once left the outline of that dead body half on Tara's bedroom carpet, half on the tile of her en-suite.

Getting to her knees, disregarding an incredulous amount of blood decorating the walls and carpets, Isla pulled the floral cover off of Josh.

She sighed. "Why'd you do it?"

"He was stalking Tara--"

"So you just blew his fucking brains out?!" Her shriek was guttural. "Jesus Christ, Jax. And you idiots think that Tig is the one with a trigger problem."

"He does have a problem, and you know that! This was different!" He countered, pulling her to her feet. "This was fucking restitution, Isla!"

"No." Calmly, she stated. Her glare piercing. "This was fucking stupid. Possibly the most idiotic thing that you've ever done, Jackson."

His head shook as he sneered, towering over her. Isla felt intimidated. For the first time ever, she felt an unwavering sensation of overawe whilst in the presence of her best friend.

"He was a bad guy. He had to die."

"But he was fucking ATF! Hale is gonna get your ass, and there's nothing Unser will be able to help you with once he gets wind of this--"

Isla's voice cracked around a small sob. She wasn't even aware of the tears welling in her eyes, but they were there the entire time.

It was the thought of Jax making one incredible life altering fuck up--one that he wasn't going to save himself with a bribe, or the simple luck of a good connection to Charming PD--that was maiming her uncomfortably.

Jax's arms wound around her trembling waist, hugging her tightly against his palpitating chest.

The sheer terror visible in her mannerisms was what frightened him. Isla never seemed to scare very easily--or, at least, she didn't show it.

She was fearless, but she was still human. And he had only seen her crack twice. Both times because of the club, too.

"He was stalking Tara." He reinstated, circling his fingers over Isla's svelte spine. "They dated when she was in Chicago, she broke things off but he was a clingy motherfucker and he wouldn't leave her alone."

"She should've gotten a restraining order or something." She mumbled into his chest, sniffing back tears.

"That's the thing. She did. But he broke it by coming back to Charming, pretending to be setting up shop at the PD with Hale, but he followed her around town for a couple weeks instead."

"And nobody questioned why he wasn't getting anything done?"

Jax's head shook. "He was still working for Chicago--or so he said, anyway--so Hale just assumed any intel for whatever the fuck it was he'd been workin' on was going straight back to the big bosses."

She was struggling to follow on.

It was such a convoluted scenario that Isla never thought she'd become entwined with--though, with Jax and Charming being, well, Jax and Charming, she didn't know why she ruled something of the sort out.

"Are you gonna tell Gemma and Clay--"

"No. This is between us, and Tara."

Isla didn't have the energy to bicker with him again. She didn't want to bicker with him again, truthfully.

"Alright, what's the next move, then? 'Cuz this pig can't stay wrapped up in a sheet for too much longer or else he's gonna start to stink this place out."

Jax situated both hands against crimson coated shoulders, lightly pushing her backward so she could look up to meet his gaze.

"I got a plan. But I don't think you're gonna like it."

His eyes went straight to the lighter atop Tara's bedside table, right next to the pineapple scented candle, and she sighed hard.

The man was so sadistic. It wasn't even slightly discreet anymore, really.

Whereas Clay had always been ruthless, remarkably barbaric toward those who had wronged him--or anyone, really--Jax had more of a moral compass. Not much more, but a little. And that was the sort of thing that tied him straight to JT.

But Clarence Morrow had a much more potent impact on Jax's life, thus the man's foibles ended up transpiring to his stepson.

"This is seriously fucked up."

"I know." He didn't even try to argue, pushing Josh into the small grave he'd spent the last ten minutes digging at the pit of a deep, deep ditch.

Isla's body was below freezing, cold and uneasy at the prospect of potentially being caught, or assumed as an accessory to the murder of a federal agent.

"I'm sorry for roping you into this." Jax stated, almost reading her mind. "I just didn't know what else to do."

She ran a hand over his forearm, resting her head comfortably against navy-cotton covered flesh. "I know."

He didn't expect the woman to douse the dead body in gasoline, set it alight, and wait all night for the corpse to torrefy entirely--but she was there now. There was no reason she shouldn't go to the trouble of lighting the first match.

Tara should be the one doing this, Isla thought to herself as the small stick caught alight. She dropped it atop the sheet, taking a few steps backward when the thing immediately shot up into thick flames.

Jax engulfed her warmly with both arms, holding her tightly as if continuing their prior embrace. It felt safe, unusually so. But, to Isla, it felt like he was scouting for that security more than what she was.

"I can't believe you committed murder for a woman that you haven't seen for ten whole years." She laughed against his sweatshirt, eyes watering. "Is there something going on with you two again?"

"No." Huskily, he responded. "There isn't, and there won't be, either. I just swung by her place to make sure she was alright--I knew she was having trouble with that fucker--and he was there. I had to do it, Isla."

"I know."

She didn't. She did not know. She did not want to know, either. She couldn't fucking believe he'd acted out so rashly, how he was so trigger happy.

Jax was morphing into a different man and she couldn't help but pin that on the club.

"Is she alright?"

"I don't think so." His mumble was barely audible, but she caught it.

Isla squeezed his arm reassuringly, knowing that he felt bad about bringing that sort of trouble to Tara.

"She will be." She confirmed. "She's a strong girl, Jax, she'll be okay."

It didn't kill her to speak positively about Tara, she still held a place in her huge Irish heart--but it was an odd sensation to be mentioning her at all.

Ten years had passed by and Isla wasn't even certain that she was still alive. Her concern for the doctor seemed to dissipate over time because Tara didn't want anything more to do with them, so they didn't try with her.

Maybe it was a pang of jealousy that held her back. She was undeniably envious of the fact that she'd gotten out of town, worked her ass off, and experienced bigger and better things.

But, essentially, everything led back to Charming, and Tara Knowles had ended up falling into that same heap of trouble she left behind a decade ago.

Isla pulled her cellphone from the back pocket of her jeans, groaning when she saw the time.

"We've got an hour before Gemma wants us for dinner. You think this son of a bitch is gonna turn into dust within the next sixty minutes?"

"No." Jax laughed, leaning to his left and propping his head atop hers. "But he'll be unrecognizable in the next twenty."

"Perfect."

It was barbarous. Vile. Inhuman.

Isla's mother would be spinning in her grave if she knew the chaos she'd managed to find herself meshed with. Diane would kill Chibs, too.

She'd kill him for roping her baby into such malice after leaving Belfast. She'd want to throttle the Scottish son of a bitch for welcoming little Isla Áine Telford to SAMCRO, to Charming, to Jax fucking Teller.

They weren't natives to the small town, nor were they natives to California. Chibs had just moved from charter to charter. Continent to fucking continent. And taking his little angel along for the ride wasn't exactly planned until his late wife took her very last breath one stormy morning.

It was the most upsetting thing he had to do, telling his daughter that the woman she looked up to and adored with every fiber of her being wasn't coming home.

He'd been in the army, he'd seen things no man should've ever seen, but the sight of that six year old--teary-eyed and partially cognizant--was something that cut him so deeply, Jimmy O'Phelan's mark didn't seem to scratch the surface of Chib's inconsolable hurt.

"I think we're good now." A little nervous, Isla noted.

She simply couldn't wait to get out of the bitter chill, into a hot shower, and to the dinner table at the Teller-Morrow residence.

Jax surveyed the scene. He crouched down, heeding the flicker and sick crackle of flames engulfing the barely fleshed body.

"I think so, too." He confirmed, throwing her the keys to his SUV. "Get outta the cold--I'll finish up here. K?"

She nodded, clutching the chain close to her chest.

Isla wasn't sure how badly she was trembling until she sat still in the passenger seat, watching the club's VP commit the unspeakable.

Really, she wasn't shocked to find out that Jax was capable of the sort. Burning a man dead was better than burning one alive, and she was thankful that Josh had been put out of his misery before his body was cauterized into dust...Which was more than what could've been said about Kyle Hobart.

She remembered overhearing the club's plans to sear, or slice, the SAMCRO tattoo from the back of that brute once they'd gotten wind of his inability to black it out.

And she would've felt bad about that man getting viciously harmed, if he didn't fuck Opie over and subsequently land him in Chino to serve five years away from Charming and his family.

It was cruel, she knew that. To blowtorch the MC tattoo from the stretch of his back, was fucking cruel. Isla knew that Tig was adept at causing such blistering agony, but she didn't think he would actually go through with it, least of all with such delight.

Isla feared that man sometimes. Clay's right hand, the man who sought to protect her, fucking terrified her because he was so unpredictable. So fast acting.

"He's done." Jax officially confirmed, sliding into the driver's seat. "You okay?"

She was staring off into space, her eyes glazing over at the realization she had just helped dispose of another human being.

"Isla--"

"I'm good." Finally, she spoke. "I just--uh--I just wanna get cleaned up and head to dinner now."

He pinched the keys from a frail palm, sticking them into the ignition. All the while wondering what the fuck he was going to do with the shaken up woman to his right.

Twenty-three years of friendship, and Isla never once thought she'd be involved in such incredulous activity. Jax never thought she'd get hauled into it either, really.

Juice was right. She looked like she was going to throw up, all pale and sickly.

He had done that. Jax was, essentially, the reason that Isla seemed as though she wanted to crawl out of her own fucking skin. Granted, she was already feeling rather discomfited after tending to Cameron's laceration for hours on end--at odds with her father and Tig for that time, too.

But now this...This made Isla feel horrible. Dirty. Disgusting.

"You want me to tell Gemma you're not feeling it tonight?" Jax looked beside himself, noticing her head hanging low as she flared out of the window. "So you can skip seeing everybody--"

"No." Flatly, she responded. "No, I wanna make sure Tig doesn't hate me."

"Why would he hate you?"

"I yelled at him." Isla sounded downcast, sad. "He was watching, being awkward, trying to tell me what dad and I were doing wasn't going to suffice, and I just snapped."

In understanding, he hummed. He knew how irritating Alexander Trager was. Irritating, insufferable, it was all the same.

"He won't hate you for that." Comfortably, Jax rested a hand on Isla's thigh.

She barely felt the ringed fingers gently gliding along her jeans as she shook. It was a tremor, light and unnoticeable to the naked eye, that Jax felt reverberate through his entire body through his palm.

"I don't think he's managed to be pissed at you for more than fifteen minutes at a time."

"Yeah." She mumbled, shifting awkwardly. "Yeah, you're right. I'm too sweet for anybody to stay mad at me--"

"I wouldn't say you were sweet."

She smacked at his hand with a laugh, throwing her head backward as her smile started to fade.

It was bittersweet.

Bittersweet because she was realizing that Tig had pardoned her for being a bitch, but she had also just disposed of a dead body on the side of the freeway.

Bittersweet because, now, there was no clear path for her and Jackson and whatever happened was just going to happen and they had to grin and bear it. Pretend it wasn't eating them from the inside out.

Bittersweet because their families--their family--were currently sat around the oak table in Gemma's dining room, waiting for the pair to waltz in after doing the most heinous.

Bitter. Fucking. Sweet.

"Where were you guys?!" Tig pointed his beer bottle at the duo, heeding Jax's hand in Isla's back pocket.

Of course, to Trager, that was more than just a comfort thing. He didn't know what they had just done--nor would he--but she was going to let him believe whatever the fuck he wanted to as long as it wasn't the actual truth.

"It don't matter." Clay dismissed, gesturing to Jax and Isla's designated spaces at the table. "They're here now. That's all I care about."

Her smile was warm, friendly and welcoming while she sat in between her father and partner in crime. Literally.

Chibs nudged her. "You alright?"

"Yeah." Slowly, she uttered. She reached for the wine glass that Gemma had so kindly laid out for her.

The two blondes made eye contact for a few moments, Jax's crystalline hues completely lifeless. Arid. He nodded toward her, an indication that he was feeling alright.

But Isla...She wasn't. Lying through her teeth was the only feasible means of getting over this. Whatever this was.

"I'm fucking brilliant, dad."

[hinatastinygiant]

Chapter Six

The Bell

Pairing: Hanma x Fem!Reader

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Later that evening you change into your pajamas and sink under the covers of your bed beside your husband. With a sigh, you bury yourself up to your neck in the warmth.

"Today went well," you hum as you settle yourself close to him.

"Yeah that one-eighty mil' was perfect," he agrees.

"One eighty?" you whine as you look up at him. "That's all?! I thought it would be at least two hundred."

"Sorry babe," he chuckles, "your counting was just a bit off but it's alright. It's more than we thought we'd get anyway."

"Hmm, that's true. Did Nakano ever come back to the casino?" you wonder.

"Yeah, but Mori handled it and Chikao's dealing with the rest," he shrugs.

You can't help but giggle at the thought of Mori and Chikao dealing with that asshole. "If they kill him, though, everything we did was for nothing!"

"I left it up to Chikao. Guess it depends on if he feels like taking his anger out on the old man. He can be not useless sometimes, you know."

You grin, thinking back to how Chikao used to be so straight-laced before you introduce him to Hanma. But as you look over at your husband, you can tell he doesn't look fully satisfied with the day's work.

"Still pissed at Toman?" you hum as your eyes flutter closed.

"Of course he is," he scoffs. "That asshole Kokonoi cheated somehow and now those bastards have our money."

"One time I heard Kisaki talking about some druggie girl that Toman's got as a treasurer. Maybe she's a weak spot," you whisper as you begin to drift off to sleep.

"Yeah, I heard about her. That's not a bad idea..."

"Ya know, you should take me to one of Toman's meetings sometime. I've never been, and besides, maybe I could get a bit of information you can't," you nod.

"Hm," he thinks aloud, "that asshole Takemitchy has everyone thinking Kisaki and I are traitors."

"Which you are," you sing along.

"Yeah, but he's gonna fuckin' ruin the whole thing for us," Hanma scoffs. "Kid gets on my goddamn nerves."

"Don't worry," you smile lazily, "since Takemitchy isn't onto me, I could do a bit of scouting for you..."

"Okay, sure," he agrees. "Tomorrow, I'll take you."

You throw your arms around him and plant a kiss on his lips, smelling strongly of the toothpaste he had just used a few minutes before. "Thanks, babe," you grin as you cuddle yourself up against his chest, "This is gonna be fun."

Like Hanma promised the night before, he takes you along with him to Toman's meeting the next day. He's given you a uniform from his division and asks you to stick close to Chikao, explaining that nobody's ever even noticed he's there before when he tags along and it'll be safer for you to stick with him. After you agree, you link arms with Chikao and wave goodbye to Hanma before walking into the crowd.

"So, you know anything about these guys?" you whisper as you make your way through different groups chatting and completely ignoring your existence.

"Not really," he shrugs. "I usually just hang out and stay in the background, doing what Hanma asks. I'm really just here as backup."

"Backup?" you wonder, looking up at his bright red eyes.

"You know," he hums calmly, "Just in case."

"And the doing whatever Shuji asks part?" you grin at Chikao's puppy-like obedience towards you and your husband.

"Well, you know how it is..."

"What would we do without you," you giggle.

"You're both my bosses, it's not like I can say 'no'," he groans.

"Not here, we're not," you say with a light nudge to his arm. "Now let's change the conversation before-"

You suddenly stop speaking when your ears catch onto the most high-pitched, ear-piercingly annoying noise of a bell. You glance around a spot a man about the same age as you with black and blonde hair pushed back into a messy-looking bun staring right back at you. His golden eyes meet yours, and an unimpressed grimace lines his lips just below.

"I'll be right back," you tell Chikao as you push him a little ways back into the crowd so the man staring you down doesn't notice him- you wouldn't want to blow the cover he's worked so hard to maintain.

When you spin back to the bored-looking man is standing right in front of you, startling you for a second. "Yo," he says dryly, "who the hell are you?"

"Part of the fifth," you shrug calmly, keeping up your little act.

He eyes your uniform before raising an eyebrow and meeting your gaze. "I can see that."

Just then, a man with long, black hair taps his shoulder, causing him to turn around. You hear his earring jingle as he spin and looks up lightly towards the other man.

"Who's that?" the taller of the two whispers just loud enough for you to hear. But just as he does, you disappear into the crowd. However, as you begin to fade into the sea of other members, your ears catch onto the words the golden-eyed man uses to respond.

"Nothing, no one, it's not important," he hums as he blocks his friend from seeing past him.

Why would he lie? you wonder as they disappear from view.

Deciding that you're too nosy and craving to know more, you've got to find that guy again before you leave...

Taglist: @hanmascult @crowbird @thevillagehiddenintheinternet @littlemochi @kokotakeomi

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[ftm-radio]

jfc okay I'm venting here, this is a vent post. don't reblog. replies are ok.

cw: trans bitterness (hullo that's me, the bitter ftm), mentions of dysphoria, passing/difficulty passing, (cis) sister drama

really tired of my Cis™ sister repeatedly telling me about how she's so scared to get too short of a haircut because she "doesn't want to look like a guy because, like, I don't ~identify~ as a guy" as if she really has any issue whatsoever with people recognizing her as a girl!

and today with her "I don't identify as a guy" thing. just the way she phrased it and everything really kinda pissed me off. just say you're not a guy you don't have to fucken use that word. esp since she's only been talking like this since I came out.

and its extra annoying bc we've had essentially the same conversation about her insecurities multiple times, and it's like she doesn't even think about how I feel hearing it. like if getting a damn haircut was enough to make everybody suddenly think ur a dude, my life would be so much easier. but it doesn't work that way and her acting like it does just... hurts. it frustrates me and makes me dysphoric bc having to reassure her that no, you won't look like a dude just bc you have short hair makes me think of how it's the same for me, except that I WANT to be seen as a guy. SO BADLY.

am I hypocritical because I get annoyed that my cis, feminine sister needs so many reassurances about her gender presentation? am I just being a dick?? MAYBE, IDK! like... if my sister was a trans girl, of course I'd understand her concerns. of course I would. but she has nothing to worry about because she's cis and her body has all the right parts and she doesn't have to do jack shit to get recognized as her gender.

like I fuckin WISH I had that. I wish my biggest concern about gender presentation and passing was if I grow my hair out a lil bit will ppl still see me as a dude? 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

I know it isnt a competition to see who's allowed to feel insecure or not, I know that. but it just frustrates me so much. and I feel bad for getting so annoyed by it because I know my sister isn't trying to make me feel shitty and dysphoric and I know how insecure she is about some things, but she just... doesn't seem to hear me when I tell her not to worry.

idk. I'm slightly less frustrated now after typing all of this but I'm still a little peeved. might delete this post before long. we'll see.

if you read all of this I guess feel free to weigh in on the Is JT a dick or is this a reasonable frustration? question. and/or whatever else you might wanna say.

aight I'm out, I gotta finish my animal crossing dailies and then maybe I'll cheer up after some sketching 🤷🏻

[red-of-hells-kitchen]

ok i've decided to make an entire post about my self insert,,, oc i guess i'd call it?

so first off since i'm not an artist i used a picrew to make him

his name is felix winters and he's the owner of a bar and also tends at it because he just. feels like it.

said bar/club is the one featured in wmlw, which is how he meets wilford. he allows wilford to do his little shows or whatever whenever he wants. after wilfords shows finish, felix shares money from small entry fees he's given to see the little "show" wilford does. this goes on for a while and eventually wilford decides to keep performing at the club really just to see felix at this point.

by the time the events of wmlw happen, they're not fully together, the relationship is more like a "will they, won't they?" kinda thing.

when abe gets to the club and he gets like lost in the crowd and shoots into the air, felix doesn't run out. he comes out from behind the bar, absolutely fucking pissed about what's happening. he asks abe who the fuck he thinks he is bringing a gun into his club. abe is obviously not expecting someone to stop him from getting to wilford so he's there just like ???????? which kinda gives wilford time to almost. hide? but abe kinda explains the situation and felix is like "you're on some fuckin shit" because he's just there not believing a word abe says. but then wilford kinda like just appears back and suddenly nothing makes sense to felix anymore because in what seems like the blink of an eye, the party is back up and rolling.

felix is confused, but decides to play into the party like he normally would. somewhere in the middle of the night, wilford comes over to the bar and starts talking to him. felix decides to confide in him with his confusion, asking how the party was back up and that abe had now joined the party. wilford seems like sad about it, but he smiles at felix and sort of helps him along a realization like he did with abe (leading him to realize that he's technically dead, but death seems to not have any actual timeline). felix is obviously like "wait i fucking died?" and wilford is like "do you have any memory of dying?" and felix actually hasn't died he's just kinda. there. he finds out his club is like trapped in some reality idk how markiplier lore works but i'm throwing shit together (can you tell i haven't gotten around to watch the wmlw breakdown)

uh anyway felix's club/bar whatever it is is like a waypoint between life and death so it's cool any all but whatever. after that night felix lives a little more freely but is still a tired bar owner. at the end of the night, wilford can see that felix is like just drained and tired and he offers to help him de-stress (wink) and from there on they're like a "thing" i guess.

but yeah lmk what y'all think of this, i'll make another post sometime today of my captainsona because they're also just a tired motherfucker :)

[tardytothepardy]

Fruits Basket - Vol. 20

I want to try to break the book into three main chunks. The last time I did that, it was easier to write about. So uh, the first chunk has to do with Tohru and her feelings about Kyo, and Kagura's reaction, the second chunk is Akito and Ren's past being revealed (it's totally a mess but it's to be expected), and the third chunk is about things unraveling.

Ok cool let's do it. (The picture was at the end of one of the chapters, I just liked it a lot idk) (also tumblr needs to increase the character limit for the alt text, it's only 200 characters, which goes by quick. twitter has like,, 420, which is more manageable)

Tohru came to Kazuma's house to visit Izusu, and Kagura came to confront Tohru about something. What possibly could it be (as if I didn't say so in the beginning)? Kagura was talking about it a bit with Kazuma, and he said he just hopes that Tohru's feelings don't come from a place of pity (which is a mild "oof" point for Kagura, because that's mostly why she loved Kyo), because Kyo has had to deal with people either flat out hating him, or being nice to him out of a sense of pity. Even Kazuma admitted (earlier in the series. I don't remember when but I remember reading it) that part of the reason he took in Kyo as a child was because he was making it up for how he treated his grandfather, the previous Cat. Over time, those feelings fell away, in favor of genuinely caring for Kyo's wellbeing, but Kazuma doesn't seem to be the one who would forget about stuff like that. (Also it turns out that the previous Cat's partner basically stayed with him out of a sense of pity, as well)

It turns out that Izusu and Tohru were talking about the same thing, and Tohru worried if her feelings for Kyo were selfish, because she wanted nothing to take Kyo away from her, not the curse, not the Sohma family, nothing. Kagura then bust into the room, smacked Tohru across the fucking room it seems, and said, "Then fucking tell him that!!" (direct quote, 100%) Izusu yelled at Kagura for hitting Tohru, asking what right she had for doing that, but given Kagura's nature, it doesn't seem completely out of nowhere. She just got pretty emotional in that moment.

For Tohru, it seemed to knock the right screw loose for her, and she thought back to when she was talking about her father to Kyo, and if he said really anything against what she was talking about, she apparently would've just zipped her lips and pretended she hadn't said anything, and moved on, but he didn't. Which is pretty nice of him to do, honestly. Anyway, when she came to again (because she got knocked out from Kagura's emotion-packed slap), Kyo was sitting there, because Kazuma had called him, ("Hey dude so there was a smackdown here and Tohru got knocked out lmao" is how I'm imagining the call. kjdhkfgjh can you imagine Kazuma saying "lmao" I can't) but Kyo didn't ask about the fight (which was a Wise Lesson from Shishou™), another nice thing for him to do, though in my opinion it would be a pretty easy thing to explain.

Ok, so now onto the second chunk, which kinda has some of the stuff in the third chunk later on but whatever. Story flow, it's pristine today.

It starts with some of the,, maids? or something that are in the Sohma house (they never get names so far as I can tell, and I don't really know what to call them, but at one point someone referred to one of them as a maid, I think? Idk.) talking about Ren, and wondering why Akito still let Ren wander around freely like she does. Another said that Akito can only do so much, because apparently there is a crowd of people in the house that are "Ren-followers", and if she had Ren be completely contained within an area, there's a chance that those followers might start some shit, which would be a headache to deal with. One of the maids said that Akito has been sick (or holed up in her room) for too long, and the rest of the Juunishi are doing nothing to help, which does not help with Ren, who spouts out stuff about how the Juunishi doesn't really care about Akito at all. The maids seem to have a particular thing against Ren, because they view her as an unsuitable woman who somehow managed to become partners with Akira, the previous God, I think, but also the father of Akito.

Speaking of Akito, she has a box. That same box that Ren tried to use Izusu to get back. Something about that box has to do with Akira, and it seems important to both Akito and Ren, though honestly at this point Akito is probably just holding onto it out of spite for Ren, I wouldn't be surprised (I, too, am a petty bitch. I understand the mindset). She asked Kureno if he has any idea what is in it, and when he says he doesn't, she simply says, "Father."

Now we jump over to Ren and Shigure, who are also talking about about that elusive box. Apparently Shigure was tasked to get the box, but obviously he didn't succeed. He said (thought? He didn't say it aloud, it was one of those thoughts thing--- anyway) that he didn't really care, he didn't even want to touch that box, much less even look at it, it was no loss to him. Out loud, he says that it would be inappropriate for him to hold it, and Ren agrees, saying that only she can have it, just like how only she could have Akira, when he was alive. Are you already sensing where this is heading? Well, I'll say it anyway.

Flash back to Kureno, he's thinking about Akira, from when he was younger and Akira was still alive. He remembers Akira as very beautiful, in a fleeting way. Akira was sickly, all the time, and sad. Everyone knew that he wouldn't live for very long. But since he was the head of the house, of the family, it was imperative that he find a partner and produce an heir. That person was Ren, who was one of his care-takers. The rest of the staff (or something??) didn't like that she was going to be with Akira, it seemed unsuitable, but she was the only candidate. She was the only person who recognized how lonely he was, is what Akira said as a defense when people objected. And so, they were married. The older members of the family despised it, the younger thought it was the beginning of a new change, a new era. Ren said (because this section is flipping between Kureno and Ren) that it was only them two (haha grammar): Akira and Ren, they were all who mattered. She was everything to Akira. So when she had Akito, well, that muddled things. Because now there was another person that Akira loved: his own fuckin child. That's right. Ren got jealous of her own child because Akira loved his very own daughter. That's,, that's something. Shortly after that, Ren decided that Akito would be raised as a boy. Or maybe it was while she was still pregnant. At any rate, she said it was because it would be unsuitable for the head of the family to be a woman, but we all know the real reason: it's so that Akira wouldn't be loving another girl, even though that other girl was his daughter. Jfc Ren is a handful. From Kureno's memory, it seems like even as a kid, Shigure recognized that.

Back to Shigure and Ren, Shigure says that he feels sorry for Ren, probably thanks to all that upset she has. She says the same, that the Juunishi have had to deal with the abuse that Akito has dealt to them simply because of that "bond", and that there's no way that anyone could honestly love Akito. Shigure also comments that sometimes he thinks that if Akito had been raised as a woman, she'd look exactly like Ren, which instantly pisses Ren off. She just starts screaming about "Who do you have to thank for Akito being born! I'm the reason that (insert angry comment about how she's the only reason why x happened)". I'm kinda glad she isn't in the series much, this is exhausting. I know she's in the book later, and maybe a bit more in the next few, but jeez. It's a lot.

Anyway, let's end the chapter with Momiji having his curse be broken. The end is near (for the Juunishi, not this post lmao).

The second that the curse breaks, Akito knows it (that's probably the bond. I doubt it's some kinda "we'll be friends forever uwu" kinda thing, it's just kinda an awareness of each other, or maybe just God's awareness of everyone) and races towards Momiji, begging him to not leave. Now that the curse is broken, Momiji is confused as to how those thoughts he had prior for Akito were even there, now that he sees Akito clinging onto him, whimpering and panicked. Momiji waves her away, saying that he'll keep it a secret, and that Akito should go rest, wasn't she feeling sick earlier?

We pan over to the school, where Haru is asking Yuki if he's noticed anything off about Momiji. Haru can't place it, but something seems off, maybe not. Kyo ends up running into Momiji walking down a hallway, and asks him about it (he overheard the others talking about it), and Momiji just out and says it: his curse broke. He said he imagines that Tohru would be happier about it if it were Kyo's curse that broke, and that he (Momiji) lost. (I guess he lost in some unspoken one-sided competition of "getting" Tohru, because y'know she's not her own person who is capable of deciding these things for herself or anything)

Later, Momiji goes back to the main Sohma estate, to apologize to Akito for how he acted yesterday, but also to say that he won't be staying there any longer. Akito takes it like a champ, slapping Momiji across the face and insulting him, saying that he's a traitor, he has nowhere else to go, his family either doesn't remember him or hates him, he'll never be happy! and Momiji's just like, "Yeah lol I already feel lonely", that he can't be with the person he loves, and he no longer has that One Thing that previously connected him to most of the other people he's close with, and that there's no going back. He does say though, that it's not Akito's decision or place to say whether Momiji will ever be happy or not, because he might not be happy now, that does not mean that he won't ever be happy in the future. He then asks Akito how long she will stay at the house, thinking that eventually, everyone will come back to her, that no one will be happy without her. What if it's actually her that is most afraid-- Akito isn't down for an analysis, she just tells Momiji to leave.

Let's now go down memory lane, down a nice and happy time, especially for Akito and Ren: Akira's death and it's after effects. Happy times. (apparently i was wrong, the thing i said was the third chunk that wove in nicely with the second was just the second chunk, i think this is the actual third chunk)

Akito is thinking back (on a rainy morning, extra points for setting the mood) on her relationship with her parents. With Akira, it was nice, he always was kind and caring, telling Akito that she is what everyone has been waiting for, and that she thought she was the one Akira loved the most. With Ren, however, she was always cruel, from the start. She always glared at Akito, she was always mean. Akito hates her. We're brought back to the day Akira died, where Ren bursts into the room, asking why she wasn't notified sooner, why Akira had to die alone. One of the attendants said his condition worsened too quickly to call Ren close by, but also that Akira hadn't died alone; he died with Akito by his side. The attendant said that Akira's will had been passed onto Akito, she was now the head of the family. Ren was angered at that, there's no reason for Akito to still be around now! She only tolerated her child being around because Akira liked her, but now that Akira is gone, there is no one to love or care about Akito. Akito said that wasn't true, that all of the Juunishi will love her, because of their bond. (Which is basically what Akira said. He put most of that stuff into her head, and she doubled down on it whenever Ren said anything against it, which might as well be every single time they were around each other)

Back to the present, Kureno comes in the room to talk about something, but Akito interrupts him, saying that she was happy when Yuki was born, as the Rat. It was mostly just something she used to prove Ren wrong, and she used it as long as she could (much to the deterioration of Yuki's mental health). She thought back, over the years, to all the bad things that had happened, how she tried so hard to keep everyone close, and how all of them had, one by one, come to "betray" (cough cough, try to live their own lives, cough cough) her. After Shigure and Yuki left to their present residence, Ren said that they had given up on Akito. When Akito again mentioned their bond (which, really, now that I think about it, has basically been the singular thing straining to keep everything under control. Akito's sole sense of identity was being God, she's never had anything else.), Ren waved it away, then challenged that if any of the Juunishi can go out into the world, experience it in all it's freaky magical ways, and not be taken in by it, and instead return to Akito, then she will have been proved wrong, Akito's claims this whole time will have been correct. If they failed to, however, Ren said that Akito would have to give up the Sohma name. But Akito believed it, she truly believed she was right, that nothing big enough would come between her and the rest of the Juunishi (Tohru has entered the chat). She had to believe it, she just had to. But now, it's evident, between how Haru reacted upon learning about Izusu, Momiji's demeanor after the curse broke, the general way that the rest of the Juunishi float away from Akito, that it isn't true, and with that, she has nothing to hope for.

Upon this realization, Ren bursts into the room, knee-length hair floating around her, eyes crazed, knife in hand, demanding for Akira. Demanding for that box, and whatever contents were inside. In response, Akito fuggin yeeted it at Ren, she didn't give a shit. It flashed back to right before Akira died, and he soothed Akito by saying that, despite dying, he will always be with her. He wanted for Ren to be happy. He wasn't upset that he was dying so soon, he knew that he was just a man who was going to die, but he was happy that he was able to have a child, and to have had that child with Ren, and since that child was special, it was proof that their relationship was a special one. Back to the present, Ren scrambles to the box, tears it open hungrily to find,,, nothing. The box was empty. It'd always been empty, said to have held Akira's soul, but it was mostly just something to help Akito with Akira's passing. Suddenly, Akito grabbed the knife that fell from Ren's hand, poised to stab Ren but then--

Hiro's curse broke. Ren can thank that bond she always scoffed at for saving her life. But hey, now Hiro can hold his baby sister, which is nice. Yay for family moments.

Boo for Akito, because it's just really grinding in that the curse is quickly falling apart, and there's absolutely nothing that she can do about it. Ren taunts Akito, asking if she was trying to kill her. The attendants blow up, one yelling at Ren for making such a scene, taking a knife with her, and another scolds the first for giving Akito that box in the first place, it's stupid! The first attendant said that Akito knew from the start that it was empty, common sense would say that much! (idk man it could've held one last letter from Akira to Akito, a letter wouldn't affect the weight of the box significantly, it's not common sense)

Akito leaves the room, and Kureno follows. Akito says that it was both common sense but also not, that there wasn't anything in the box. She wanted to believe there was a chance that something was in that box, some kind of invisible energy that would help her. But even after opening it, seeing that it was empty, she still held onto it, knowing there wasn't anything. And that was her common sense, that's what she thought. She'd never been given any other way of thinking, of living, so why and how should anyone expect differently? Kureno says that she can start learning now, that that was what he wanted to talk about earlier, that she can't stay here, she'll never be able to move on, to which Akito cuts him off with "Fuggin now, bitch?? You're saying that now?? That doesn't help me! It would have helped in the beginning! But not fucking now!" (which btw is true. i doubt akito was even allowed to go to a public school, that she was schooled within the estate. i really believe that she's never really been outside of the the properties that the Sohma family owns) Then she stabs Kureno, with that knife she's been holding all this time. She reasons with it saying that Kureno's "halfway kindness" has been killing her this whole time, that it can't be fixed by Kureno saying that maybe Akito should go touch some grass. As Akito is running from the scene (more like haggardly stumbling), she continues thinking that it's Kureno's fault, it's not on her, until she remembers what Yuki was saying at the New Year's gathering about blame. It doesn't really fix anything, it just momentarily makes you think that you're not in the wrong. *record scratch* What if it's Akito's fault, then? All of this? What if it's her fault? What if it's the fault of the person who made everyone change? What if it's Tohru's fault?? (dun dun dunnnn)

Meanwhile, back at the other Sohma house (Shigure's house?) Tohru has some confessing to do. Before that though, Kyo has some confessing to do, though not about the same thing. He tells Tohru that he knew her mom before she died, and that he was the reason she died. He tells her that they met when he was really young, and how they had kinda become friends (in that way that people become friends by talking often, but Kyo never told Kyoko his name, because he had some weird thing about having a name so similar). That all fell apart the day that Tohru went missing. He promised that he would find her and rescue her, but after finding that Yuki had done it (the evidence was The Hat), he lashed out, and never talked to Kyoko again. Years later, when he was at the crosswalk, who was beside him but Kyoko, who he recognized instantly. He wasn't sure what to do, whether to say something to her or hold back. He was totally able to grab her arm, get her out of harm's way, but he didn't, he was too scared. (plus yaknow the whole cat thing) He beats himself up about, still to this day. He does the same with his own mom's death. It was his fault that his mom killed herself, she couldn't stand having such a monster as a child. It was too much for her, and she couldn't take any longer. (It wasn't. I won't say that his mom wasn't put under strain for having Kyo, for knowing that he wasn't human, that he turned into a weird monster if his bracelet was taken off, but from what we've seen of his dad, it was probably at least 85-90% his dad's fault. He was too caught up in the politics of the Sohma family, ashamed of the fact that Kyo was the Cat, the worst out of them, that he couldn't even salvage having one of the good freaks to have as a child of his, and he took it all out on his wife and later his son.)

And the book ends on that cheery note. (Why do I say stuff like that why I am I like this)

[keashend0lly]

"Your a bitch!"

Warnings I guess: cuss words OH NO, angst, It's Ghiacco what do you exspect? A prize BF? Ok? NSFW themes if you squint enough, Teasing ME PUTTING IN ZERO EFFORT WHATSOEVER

Fem reader

I was pissed while writing this I hope it mildly amuses you

Basically: Ghiacco caught feelings for reader in La Squadra. And yeah Yeah basically story of like confession and yeah JUST READ IT YOU CAN READ THIS READ THAT TOO please thanks

From Ghiacco's POV

She's a bitch why do I even like her? Her pretty h/l h/c hair shines in the sun rise and sun set. She is always giving me that smile, the really- UGHHHHHH no fuck. Shit. Wait? Didn't she say she was going to transfer? Shit shit shit shit?! She said might! I could still get her to stay!

"Yo what the hell are you doing just sitting in your car man?" That fimilare soft comforting voice shattered my thoughts. DAMMIIT SHE ALWAYS DOES THAT!

"I was just uhhhh seeing if the air fresheners smelled good"

"Great so that's why you where grinding your teeth and gripping the stearing wheel like it was going to fly off that always helps me smell"

"Yeah"

"Greattttttttt you should like- not do that you lool dumb when you get like this"

"You look dumb all the time!!"

"Atleast I don't look like a poisonous mushroom with anger issues you look like a fucking idot all the time dumbass"

"Your a fucking bitch!!!"

"Thanks! Now can you drive me to town!"

"I guess just like sanitize yourself or something I don't want you getting my car all gross and shit"

"Right right whatever!"

This is the usual we half heartedly argue I think anyways? Then she asks me to bring her somewhere and she usually only takes a minute or two where ever she makes me take her.

She didn't give me any directions or location just happly hung her arm out the window tapping her fuingers on the glove box with her other hand.

"Where to today y/n you pain in the ass?"

"I don't want to go anywhere really, I just want to go for a car ride"

"YOU BETTER HAVE SOME GAS M- ok I guess we can drive along the coast didn't you say you liked the ocean or something?"

"You remembered? That's sweet, didn't you say you where afraid of the ocean?"

"SHUT UP!" I yelled as my face started to heat up

It went quite. Usually she has her phone on her and it's usually hooked up to the radio playing f/m at an ungodly volume.

There was nothing. She looked out the window with a soft smile on her lips.

"Are you? . . . . Like? Ok?"

"Are you? You have been acting weird lately, before I couldn't really tell if you where really being mean to me or not, now It's out of the question, and your more considerate, I am starting to think you feel something for me"

I slammed on the brakes. She knew it was coming so she braced herself.

I hate it how I'm so predictable to her! Fuck I hate it I hate it.

"Well? Do you?"

"Emmmm I'm gunna need you to elaborate on that one dear"

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!!!!!"

"No"

"YOU FUCKING BITCH YOUR A SLUT Y-Y-YOUR A WHORE!!!" I was shaking with anger. She got my hopes up for nothing?! Nothing!? Fucking bitch!!

"For you"

"What the fuck did you just say!!!!?"

"I don't like you at all, I love you! Your so fucking stupid!" She giggled

"Y/N!"

"Ghiacco! What?"

"If your fucking playing with me I will murder you"

"Yeah yeah yeah I know I know you like me too, now are we gonnna cruise the dam coast or what! Dumb bitch!" She giggled

"Yeah yeah yeah!"

"If you don't sing along to my f/s I WILL KILL YOUUU I know dam well you know the fuckin words"

"Sadly"

I was pissed while writing this so it sucks ballz but It's ok because my grandma is gonnna make my Christmas cookies to decorate tomorrow! So much fun! And I litterly put no effort into this so yeah I hope you liked it! Love ya doll