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aihoshiino · 5 months ago

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chapter 159 thoughts!

Chapters Since The 143 Kiss Happened And Went Entirely Unacknowledged And Unaddressed Count: 16

Aqua Hoshigan Status: White

Surprise! As predicted by literally everyone in the fandom, the stab was a fakeout! To the shock of perhaps three people, no, one of the titular Kos of Oshi No fame was not, in fact, dying in an unceremonious cliffhanger stabbing - the only real question was exactly what sort of fakeout it was going to be. I did see quite a few folks suggest 'Akane in a wig and a stabproof vest' even in jest so congrats on calling it! Admittedly this is kind of silly but I would take 'silly' over the character assassination massacre that last chapter's apparent twist would've been any day of the week.

I guess if anything about this reveal surprised me it's that Kana wasn't involved at all…? Unless this is a double fakeout and something's going to happen at her graduation (which is not impossible for reasons we'll get into). Whereas all the buildup for Ruby (seemingly) getting stabbed basically only came in the same chapter it happened in, we've been getting some pretty heavy handed hints that something might happen to Kana for over 60 chapters now if my mental math is right - her parallels to not just Ai and Yura (i.e, our two on-screen victims), language associating her with the "type" we see targeted and that huge "Kana Arima will always protect Ruby Hoshino" red flag dropped by Gotanda, among other things. Kana is also the character who has the most actual direct parallels with Ai, where Ruby is defined mostly in how she differs from Ai… Or at least she does when the story makes sense lol. But I guess we'll see.

Either way, I personally have mixed feelings on Akane's involvement here, in this moment. On the one hand, I like what it represents about Aqua's development - the reason he and Akane broke up was over her 'endangering herself' but really it was because of Aqua's mortal terror over the people he loves being hurt in association with him. Letting Akane get involved here is an expression of growth and trust on his part and I do like that.

On the other… this is super Akane just being treated like a convenient device for the plot, as has happened to her before. It really feels like Akasaka has realized he made her way too competent as a character so he only busts her out to use as a blunt force tool to patch up his story. Hate that shit! Akane deserves better.

THAT SAID… Ichigo's involvement here is something I do straightforwardly like even if the execution isn't perfect. Now we're past the fakeout, I can say that my worst case scenario for The Stabbening was the "Aqua uses his 1337 surg30n ski11z to save the stabbing victim and make up for not saving Ai" because people have been predicting that Literally since volume 2 and I'm gonna be real with you, I've fucking hated it no matter the configuration of characters or events involved lol. It would, even if only subtextually, frame Aqua's self-loathing and suicidal ideation in relation to the incident as justified and that he somehow needs to 'redeem' himself for his failure of not stopping a grown man with a knife from stabbing his mother to death when he was literally four years old.

Ichigo, by contrast, actually is at least partially responsible for Ai's death. He is a literal agent of the system that abused and exploited her, he failed to support her properly as both her manager and her father and it's ultimately his commodification of Ai and B-Komachi as a whole that created the kind of fan attitude that gives birth to a person like Ryosuke. He's the person who actually needs to make up for failing Ai, so having him literally reenact that failing and getting able to do it right this time for the purposes of protecting Ai's beloved children is a direction for his character that I really like.

^_^ However! I do not feel anywhere near as positively about this retcon to Ryosuke and Nino's characters!!!!

like. come on, man. do i even need to explain why this is bad. even outside of how utterly transparent a retcon this is, these kinds of 'everyone is connected!!!' surprise twists are really not suited to a story like Oshi no Ko. They make the world of the story feel much smaller

In addition… it really feels like lately, Akasaka has this problem where he tries to make things more dramatic and complex by adding twists and reveals about Secret Additional Context like this to a character's behaviour but ends up just flattening them by way of making them more cartoonish as a result. Ironically, Nino and Ryosuke are both victims of this with this new retconned in connection and it cheapens not only their own arcs but their relationships with Ai (and how her own arc is informed by her relationship with them in turn) as a result. It's a cascade failure that wrenches everything else down along with it.

The other big reason this retcon frustrates me as much as it does is not just because it entirely shatters the logic of Ryosuke as a character but because one additional picrosecond of thought put into his could not only have prevented it, but even added to the story in some really meaningful and interesting ways. As other people are surely going to point out, this is an insane level of hypocrisy, so - lean into it! Make that hypocrisy explicit and textual!

Parasociality is already inherently illogical and the types of misogynistic hostile masculinity Ryosuke expresses towards Ai are already internally contradictory ideologies. Idol fan culture, too, is built on hypocrisy, especially in a gachikoi group like gen 1 B-Komachi. The girls are expected to roleplay as being romantically (and implicitly, sexually) available to their fans while also being pure and virginal to the point of farce. None of this shit makes sense! So leaning into that by explicitly acknowledging Ryosuke as a hypocrite and acknowledging these contradictory expectations could only have done the story well.

As it stands, this retcon just doesn't work. Like, look at the Ryosuke we see in those flashbacks - happy, healthy and functional enough to be close to at least two B-Komachi members. Are we really expected to believe that Ai rizzed him so hard she mindbroke him into being a Phantom of the Opera tier basement dwelling incel? Or are we supposed to believe Ryosuke was Like That simultaneously with him dating Nino? Literally no direction you come at this from makes any sense whatsoever lol

Ichigo supposedly knowing about them dating at the time also raises approximately one hundred billion questions. Primarily: DID NO ONE THINK TO TELL THE COPS AT THE TIME??? The guy who brutally murdered Ai in her own home just happened to be banging one of her coworkers who was known to have a bad relationship with her and this just… never came up?? Even though the news report on the incident explicitly says the police were investigating the possibility of an accomplice being involved?? AGAIN, NO MATTER HOW YOU APPROACH THIS TWIST IT JUST DOESN'T WORK…

I will say. For all my complaints, that final exchange between Akane and Nino, about how badly Ai and Nino ultimately just wanted to be regular friends… that really hit. It felt like a little flash of the messed up but deeply, achingly human Nino from 45510 I'd been missing so much every since she was turned into this weird caricature of herself. I'm still incredibly dissatisfied with the majority of her handling after the Movie Arc but if this is the note she gets to go out on, I'll take that W.

Concert time! Congrats to AkaMengo for creating a concert scene that annoyed me even more than the last one!

This is the sort of thing I mean when I talk about the ways in which the narrative has excessively favoured Ruby makes her come off as excessively self-centered in a way that is clearly not intentional. Not only does the story frame her as seemingly taking over the concert but she's also portrayed as the center every time she's on panel - even though that's Kana's position, that she only took in the first place because Ruby pressured her into it. This isn't something that happens by accident - in-universe, this can only have happened because the Strawberry Productions staff pushed Ruby into the center AT KANA'S GRADUATION CONCERT and instead of saying "hey, this is KANA'S GRADUATION CONCERT maybe she should be center", Ruby just went along with it. This is not my girl!!! This is not the Ruby of the First Concert arc!!!

No wonder there are in-universe fans getting pissed off. B-Komachi isn't even real and I'm getting pissed off. Like, can you imagine going to your favourite idol's graduation and her nepo baby coworker who's already constantly upstaging her is hogging the spotlight at her last ever idol performance? I would be physically incapable of not starting to throw rocks.

To make matters worse, the story is continuing to try and push what it flopped out last chapter of Ruby supposedly surpassing Ai as an idol. Like I said last chapter, I didn't buy it then and I extra don't buy it now!

Not only is the story still failing to do the work necessary to believably sell this, but the only way it seems to be able to try is to lean so heavily on Ai associated imagery that the whole thing is at risk of buckling under the weight - the double hoshigans, her outfit and even her popping Ai's iconic volume 1 pose. Not only does this feel generally unearned, it also falls flat as a moment where Ruby is supposed to be strutting her stuff as an idol because she is literally, explicitly, just imitating her mom.

Like… Remember when Aqua and Ruby had that big moment of Aqua telling Ruby not to try and be like Ai anymore and to get out of her shadow? Remember when Ruby and Kana had that heart to heart where Ruby said she'd be a star in her own way and she wouldn't be like Ai? How does that remotely cohere with the story relying so heavily on these callbacks? How am I supposed to believe Ruby has surpassed Ai and is shining in her own way when the seemingly only measure of success in this regard is how much she resembles Ai in the process of doing so?

Ruby has been catching strays left and right pretty much the entire time I've been doing these chapter reviews so let me be clear: I think this sucks because I think this sucks for Ruby. It completely undermines everything the story has previously set up regarding Ruby finding her own way of being an idol and it also cheapens the relationship she previously had with Ai's memory. Instead of the love and reverence she once had for her mother's legacy and efforts, now it feels like Ai has been used as a stepping stone to prop up Ruby's success story. The narrative is fighting for its fucking life to sell us on the idea that Ruby has surpassed Ai, but the execution is so ham-fisted that it ends up doing the opposite. By relying so heavily the imagery of Ai's radiance and her idolhood, it’s clear that the story doesn’t trust Ruby to stand on her own merits.

Like… fuck, man. Maybe this is a lot to read into four splash pages with no dialogue and maybe there's more to come from this concert - Kamiki is watching a live broadcast, after all, so the show is still ongoing. Maybe there'll be something in the concert to come that resolves some of my frustrations here. But this is all so consistent with the way the story has framed B-Komachi for almost 100 chapters now that it's hard for me to imagine it even recognizing that this is an issue, let alone taking the steps necessary to fix it.

And speaking of Hikaru………. man, what even is there to say about that ending lol

Much like last chapter, anything I could say about it necessarily relies on context and info we don't have yet. This is such an obviously deliberately provocative cliffhanger like last chapters that I don't see the point in trying to speculate too much about what it could all mean when Aka has historically gone hard on fakeouts. All I'll say is that like with last chapter's apparent twist, if the story is straightforwardly going to follow through on what is being presented right now with no additional twist, it will be much worse off for it.

At leas we'll find out next week whether or not that's the case. I ain't gonna lie I fully expected us to be on break again…

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk spoilers #chapter review #chapter reviews

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toxictoad · 11 months ago

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In furtherance of my agenda to make Tavs that are sorta cringe but that I love...

Wouldn't it be fucked up if Tav was Gale and Mystra's kid but he never knew about them until they both get tadpoled. Like wouldn't that provide so much potential for angst

(Obscenely long rant about my take on this under the cut, as I tend to do. Also trigger warnings for SA adjacent topics, grooming, brief pregnancy mention, parental neglect, and suicidal thoughts (Of the 'I wish I didn't exist' variety). I'll tag things accordingly)

As a member of the "Fuck Mystra" brigade (As we all are) she's gonna suck as a mother and a lover and all, HOWEVER, for the purposes of this post, I'm making Tav 19, because that's young enough to make a certain amount of sense (Forgotten Realms lore being put to the side for a moment) and making Gale 37, because even if you subscribe to the idea that Mystra was a nonce I don't feel like going there right now. Okay? Okay.

That being said; Mystra only wants a kid for like shits and giggles. Kids are inconsequential to a goddess and she doesn't tell Gale because who fucking knows. Maybe she thought if he had someone other than her to care about he would realize she sucked or something.

So Gale just never learns that he has a whole ass child out there for whatever reason.

With the math Tav (I named him Cosmos because I can do whatever I want) is born when Gale is at least 18, and deities are weird so I imagine that pregnancy is either not like a noticeable physical thing or it's accelerated or there's just something ephemeral about it, so it's not like Mystra is gone or actually physically pregnant or anything.

I think it would be funny if she just gave the baby to Elminster and was like "Hey I'm your goddess so you have to raise my kid also don't tell Gale bye" Because like... He's fucking Elminster. He's an immortal archmage and one of the most powerful people in the Forgotten Realms, and now he has to take care of a baby?! He doesn't know how to do that! He doesn't know what babies need! And what is he gonna do when this thing gets older?!

(Yes I know that Elminster has canonical children but as far as I can tell he didn't raise any of them so it tracks probably)

So Cosmos is raised by Elminster and grows up in a hazardous wizard tower and gets taken on perilous adventures in one of those baby slings because I think it's funny. Also, I think that Cosmos is a sorcerer and it lowkey pisses off all of his weird fucking parents. Cause he's an Aasimar. A child of a goddess. His blood is hella magical and he has an ego about not having to learn spells and shit. He has Gale's disposition but also he has actual charisma to back it up and it's a terrible (Read; Funny as hell) combination.

The result of Cosmos having actual charisma, confidence (Highkey arrogance), and skill is that he is... Well, he's a lush. Not in any practical sense because he is a teenager and lives with a bajillion-year-old man, but like... He's the guy from your high school who was nice enough but also he had a new girlfriend every week and does a little too much partying. He's a playboy and we support him in that endeavor. It really is a miracle that he isn't super obviously weird because he was raised by a cooky old wizard, never knew about his father (I think when he asked Elminster would just tell him he didn't know, because he does care about the kid and doesn't want to burden him with the knowledge), and got a visit from Mystra like... twice. She's literally your dad who texts you every six months and doesn't remember your birthday (I hate her so much).

But somehow he's kinda well-adjusted, and he moves out of Elminster's tower to go do sorcerer things and maybe go on adventures, who knows?

And then he gets fucking tadpoled.

And at first, it's like "Okay, I'm definitely adventuring now. Maybe it wasn't planned but I'm gonna be alright" and then he meets a wizard who was stuck in a rock and is obviously a devotee of Mystra, and he's like "Oh, okay. He could be cool to have around. The dynamic is a little weird but fuck it we ball" and then the wizard is like "Hey I need to eat magic or I'll explode can't tell u why tho" and that's a little sketchy, but he likes the guy and doesn't want him to die, so he gives him his magic shoes.

And things go... Well. He gets the hang of this whole adventuring thing and saving people is pretty cool, actually. And he does kind of indulge in the wizard/sorcerer rivalry because he thinks it's funny, but ultimately he just... likes these people, even if they're all kinda keeping secrets (Him included, because how in the hells is he supposed to unload all of that Mystra baggage to his new tadpole buddies?)

He's the youngest but Lae'zel and Wyll are close enough in age that they get kind of clique-y (I'm a Wyll simp so they're gonna end up married sue me)

And then the tiefling party happens, and he talks to Gale... and oh my god this is so awkward I do not wanna hear you talk about my estranged goddess mom. And like he indulges Gale in his magic trick but the whole thing sets off some warning signs that he's like... HM.

And he isn't sure yet, but he thinks that, maybe, Gale might be his father.

And that is just... Ah. That is both kind of cool and also makes him a little sick.

Because he doesn't know everything, but he does know that Mystra is maybe not the best when it comes to mortal men. And he might've been born out of some stuff that was ethically dubious at best.

So he has the brilliant and not at all stupid plan to never tell anyone ever.

And he tries his absolute hardest to not talk to Gale at all the entire time they're going through the Underdark (The order of the adventure is optimized for maximum drama). Everyone notices but he just... pretends that absolutely nothing is wrong and Gale eventually comes up to apologize like 'Hey man sorry if I was like too much :(' because he's a sweetie and will feel bad about things that are not his fault. And Cosmos tries to say that it isn't about that but it also kind of is, so he just accepts the apology and goes back to being a bit of a dickhead.

And the party is getting ROCKY by the time they get through the Underdark. Everyone knows some shit is up but they also all have their own issues so it's a mess. A hot goddamn mess.

...And then they go through the Mountain Pass... And Elminster is there...

And Cosmos sees him and wants to turn around SO badly but that would be weird and then Elminster sees him...

I cannot paraphrase this accurately to my vision so have a snippet of writing here;

*****

He feels like he might anxiety vomit, but hopefully, it doesn’t show on his face. Gale walks a little faster and waves, “Elminster. Fancy running into you here”

And he doesn’t look very surprised to see the younger wizard, but he does look surprised to see Cosmos. He prays to every deity he can think of that Elminster says nothing.

But who the fuck listens to prayers anyways.

“Gale, my boy… I have some, um, business to attend to with you, but…”

He turns his eyes onto Cosmos and he knows that his face goes white right then.

“How did this-?”

“I haven’t said it yet” He blurts out, swallowing bile, “And you aren’t going to”

Elminster blinks in surprise, glancing between him and Gale for a moment.

“What- You know Elminster?” Gale looks incredulous, and he wants to snark back with some taunt about wizards and sorcerers and useless teachers but he just bites his tongue and nods. He is… so fucked.

He and Elminster are locked in some bizarre staring contest, and Cosmos communicates as much as he can with his eyes that he will try to punch an old man. They say nothing, and Gale is growing increasingly exasperated, “I’m sorry, can someone please explain what’s going on? What have you not said?”

He looks at Cosmos with sad eyes- the same way he’s looked since the Tiefling Party. He can see it out of the corner of his eyes, but he doesn’t acknowledge the words. Cosmos grits his teeth and feels his breath catch in his throat.

“Camp. Now”

He is… so fucked.

*****

And then the big reveal happens and Cosmos is emotionally stunted and maybe has a panic attack or something and runs away for an hour and Gale finds him and tries his best to be an awkward dad. It works, somehow.

And then Cosmos finds out why Elminster was there, and...

Well in short he decides that he's going to punch his mother in the face. Divinity be dammed. It's an incredibly awkward situation at best, but fuck, man. He actually likes Gale- his dad- whoever you are- and immediately jumps on the 'Fuck Mystra' Train. He just got this parental figure and you want him to blow himself up? Yeah, no. Not happening. He has no mother anymore.

(Sidenote; I think that concurrently with all of Cosmos' shit Astarion and Gale would have a thing. This is mostly irrelevant but at some point, Cosmos is like 'Bloodline ended with Mystra. Astarion is my mom now' because it would be funny. Astarion can't take care of a child but he CAN be a weird step-dad to an adult child and give advice about how to get blood out of cotton shirts)

And Gale reacts... more or less like he does in canon, but it's a little different because like... Shit, this is his child. His child who... doesn't want him to blow up. He's devoted to Mystra, but I think an inkling of doubt would emerge with that. It's a little strange, finding out that your companion who you thought was just uncomfortable around you is actually your son with your ex-gf/goddess who is now righteously angry on your behalf. It feels... kinda nice, in a weird way.

I think Cosmos has enough charisma that he can make things sort of not awkward. He just makes jokes about Gale being his dad and everyone is just like 'Well I guess this is how things are now?'

Gale doesn't know how to be a parent, much less to an adult child who also has Mystra baggage, but fuck it if he doesn't try. Awkward conversations about love interests ensue (I like to imagine Gale trying his hardest to give Wyll a shovel talk but it ends up as just him and Wyll having a nice chat. He's trying to be intimidating, dammit!)

I do think Gale would have an 'Oh shit' moment at some point in the Shadow-Cursed lands. If Cosmos gets too low on health, or gods forbid if he has to be revived? Maximum angst potential there. Maybe it makes him start to realize how valuable his life is or something who knows.

Cosmos yells at his dad for even considering blowing himself up at Moonrise Towers (He says sorry later, but still)

A lot of Act 3 is getting through awkward conversations tbh. But it's good for them. But Gale's confrontation with Mystra... Oh boy.

Like Cosmos obviously doesn't approve of the whole crown of Karsus thing, but more importantly; he will scream at Mystra for as long as Gale will let him. Some very choice words are thrown around. But also (And this is where we get some of my own indulgence in angst) I think during this... very amicable conversation between adults... Cosmos would end up saying something akin to 'I wish I was never born' and... Oof. I don't think he would realize it at first, and Mystra wouldn't really care, but it sticks with Gale.

Like the man just kind of realized that his life means something other than benefitting other people, and now he hears that? Heartbreak. Immediate heartbreak. He doesn't know how to broach the subject and just ends up standing around Cosmos' tent until he finally asks what's up.

Cue Gale blurting out that he's glad Cosmos exists and that he wouldn't change any of the bs with Mystra because even if it's new and awkward he's his son and that means something and he doesn't want him to think about his own life the way Gale did and-

Cosmos... genuinely does not know what he's talking about at first, but when he gets it he's just like... Oh, that? Yeah no I just wish I didn't exist because I hate the way that I was made and it feels like my existence hurts you lmao

I think that Cosmos legitimately does not realize that most people don't feel that way sometimes. Like he knows, but he doesn't really internalize that there's something "wrong" with the way he feels

And... Okay why is Gale crying what did he say oh shit-

He had to hammer it into Gale's head that he's deserving of life and love, and now it's Cosmos' turn! Get loved, idiot

(I have so many feelings about so many other bits of Act 3 but this is SO long now so I'm just gonna skip to the epilogue or I'm never going to post this because I just keep adding things)

So Bloodweave happens, because tbh I don't see Gale with any of the other companions in this scenario (Spawn Astarion, obvi) and... look, I LOVE Karlach and I love Wyll's Blade of Avernus ending, but I just want them to be a weird fucked up little family, okay? Karlach got a Deus Ex Machina and her heart is fine for some reason in this case idk.

I just really like the idea of Wyll and Cosmos adventuring around the Sword Coast and occasionally popping into Gale's tower in Waterdeep to visit. The dynamic between Gale, his morally grey Vampire boyfriend, his dumb magic son, and his dumb magic son's hero husband who is also his friend is just... Mwah. Chef's kiss. Weird gay family over here I love them. Wyll's father is so confused. Christmas dinner is insane. Morena Dekarios is thrilled to have a grandchild. Tara is basically Cosmos' aunt. Withers is there sometimes. It's pure chaos and I can't get enough of it.

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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 1 month ago

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Hey, I really like your blog and your thoughts, and I want to ask if you maybe have any advice on how to deal with body dysmprphia as a lesbian? Some context: I live in a very homophobic country, so I have no irl or media representation and I'm also a virgin in my mid twenties (I'm very introverted, was suicidal and again the society here is very homophobic, it's not a western country), and I'm gnc/butch (idek if I can call myself that with how my body looks like) and that's where it mostly stems from. All the images of such women I find online are of tall women with strong features, and I'm just the opposite of that; essentially baby-faced, fairly short at 162cm and have the smallest hands an adult woman can have. I quite frankly can't imagine any woman ever finding me attractive or sexy, it feels like all I see online is lesbians laughing at such appearances. I feel so pathetic and ugly, I can't stop comparing myself, especially my height and hands, to just random women on the streets; and they all look like normal women with normal hands and not whatever the fuck I have. The thing is, I can do quite a lot of stuff with my hands but it doesn't help me hate them less for how they look. Not to mention how many women I see online also hate themselves for these same things (I can't count how many times I saw women say they hate being short, and especially other gnc women which just hurts so much) and how it's such a big physical disadvantage. Whenever I see feminists encouraging women to take sports, all I think is "they think I'm weak bc I don't have that body type for sports and I will just fail". I know it's on me... I know it's all stupid. But I genuinely can't stop comparing myself and finding myself always weak and pathetic. And yes I do exercise and go on walks regularly.

Unfortunately I can't financially afford a therapist so that's not an option. Are there any strategies that don't involve looking at pictures of other women? It makes me feel worse even if they look kinda like me. Sorry if this is emotional, I don't want to have it look like I have certain types of women. I don't and I know they have struggles too.

Sorry this took me a while to get to. I wanted to give myself time to think on this response because you deserve that ♥️

I want to say sorry for how much you seem to struggling and how much it’s impacting you. I know this can’t be easy at all. I wish I had a solid answer for all this but sadly I don’t. And some of my suggestions might sound a bit stupid or hypocritical since they are coming from me and I’m not the best at leading by example. But I still want to do my best to try and help you a little with this ♥️

Firstly ! Butch women come in allllll shapes and sizes and they are genuinely all beautiful and handsome in their own way. There is no one standard way of looking butch. I think it’s a very common insecurity a lot of butch women have. My gf struggles with it too. She’s had people call her not butch , she goes through phases of feeling as though she isn’t big enough or strong enough to call herself butch. She gets worried others might recognise her as butch. She’s also super similar to you in height!

Body images issues and insecurities around ones appearance are so hard to deal with , especially when it feels like the world is telling you that you are right. I remember feeling very similar before I had sex (hell I feel that way now still !) or when other people hate features on themselves that I have in common with them. I also understand feeling lost with what others suggest when it comes to sports or lifting weights. I also hate doing those things and try my best to go on walks. I think it’s important to find things that you enjoy, not things that hate and have to force yourself to do, because it can build resentment towards yourself when you don’t end up looking the way you want. I don’t think it makes you weak and pathetic at all to struggle with. Genuinely I don’t. The mind is such a powerful thing , our own anxious thoughts are such powerful things.

I’m sorry that seeing pictures of other women like you doesn’t help - though I will say if that ever changes you are more then welcome to DM me or send another anon (if you are comfortable) with a rough area of where your country is and I can do my best to track down some history and photos to share.

But in the meantime since that’s not an option let’s brainstorm together!

I’ve personally found acceptance therapy a very helpful tool (and you don’t need to see a psychologist for that , there are resources online and if you like or need I can try and link some for you) but I also know it’s a very hard thing to start when you are suicidal. I was VERY resistant to it at first because it felt like I was just being pushed to accept I was ugly and nothing would get better. It isn’t that but it can feel like it when in those headspaces. But I do genuinely believe it’s a good point to start in healing.

Another thought is maybe , for five minutes everyday , you could engage in something that interests you that’s create and positive. I’m normally a massive advocate for being emo when it comes to creative stuff but I think forcing the brain to do and be around positivity is something that can really help. Be it drawing , cooking, crafts , writing etc. Obviously you can do more time but starting with small goals can be good. I think if you start getting your brain out of the fixation on your body and into other things it might help relieve some of the sticky thoughts. Make then less heavy and easier to detangle yourself from.

I know it’s easier said then done and it’s something I’m abysmal at so I know I’ll sound like a hypocrite, but trying to find the good and worthwhile traits about yourself outside of your appearance is also good. Because we aren’t defined by our looks. Our value doesn’t come from our looks. I know it can be hard to see those good things in ourselves sometimes so I’ll start you off: just based on this message I can tell you are emotionally intelligent, tenacious and considerate of others. All absolutely BEAUTIFUL traits ♥️

Also with your comment about what others find attractive online - you are right. Sadly there are a lot of mean spirited people in this world who use the internet as an outlet to put people down. It’s horrible and it’s unfair and I’m so sorry you have been exposed to others doing that and it has affected your self esteem so much. It shouldn’t be that way. I know it might be hard to believe and see, but I can promise you more people in this world are kind then they are mean. You ARE attractive to someone. Our self perceptions also aren’t always the best. I find myself genuinely hideous , but I know someone doesn’t. I know it’s the same for you - someone finds you beautiful, because you are just what they are looking for.

Also I don’t think you are hating on other women and it’s okay to be emotional. These are all big and hard feelings. I’m just proud of you for reaching out , I know it’s never easy. I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to help at all - but keep an eye on the comments! Someone else might have some good advice to help you.

I’m sending you so much love and I hope you have a day that is as wonderful and beautiful as you are ! 🫂♥️

#asks #anon #answered

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derrydyyke · 3 months ago

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Letters.

tw; drug/alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation/attempt.

Monday, March 6th, 2017

Eddie,

I don't really know what to say here. My therapist (Ben & Bev finally got me to go. I don't really think it's working.) told me to try journaling, and I really did try but nothing came out. Imagine that, huh? Me, with absolutely nothing to say. So he told me to maybe try writing to a specific person. Like letters, I guess. That it might make it easier to come up with things to say. And I guess that part does make sense, I mean there are about a million things I wish I could say to you. Mostly just that I really fuckin miss you, man. He told me to write whenever I felt like drinking, or using. I told him that I don't think he understands that I'd be selling novels like Bill does if I wrote every single time I feel like that. So we agreed to at least try it on the extra hard nights. And today was six months since... Well, you know. I don't think I can say it yet. I feel sick when I try to talk about it. That's another thing we're working on. Um. Anyways, I guess I just wanna say that I miss you. I wish we had more time together. That fucking clown stole thirty years we all could've had with each other and then as soon as we found each other again it had to take you away from me for good. It's not fucking fair. Fuck this. Therapy and journaling is bullshit. It's not the same, It's not like I can actually talk to you. Now I'm just writing AND drinking. Shit. It's midnight already. At least that awful fucking day is over. Hey, Happy Birthday to me. Who thought I'd see 41? Not me, that's for sure. Especially after these past few months. Fuck Paul, dude, what am I even paying this guy for? I'm wrapping this up. There's a bottle of vikes and a bottle of Makers Mark calling my name. Goodnight, Eds. I can't fuckin' tell you enough how badly I wish you were here. You'd smack the shit out of me, maybe knock some sense into me. I know you would. You're the only one that could.

Thursday, March 23rd, 2017

Eds,

I read (some of) my last letter to you to Paul. Out loud. It was super uncomfortable and I hated it just like everything else about therapy. He said it was a good start (didn't know I was being graded???) but that I stopped and gave up as soon as I started to talk about what happened and like. My feelings and stuff. He wants me to "delve deeper" into some of that. I guess. I don't know. Who talks like that? I don't know how any of that is supposed to help. I spend 90% of my time trying not to feel those things and he just wants me to make casual small talk with my dead friend about it. Where do you think he got his degree? WebMD? Because I'm 100% sure that this letter alone will fuel my next bender. Let's see. I have.. a lot of feelings about everything that happened. And not a fucking clue on how to talk about a single one of them. I guess I'm still pretty angry at our friends, but if I say that then I'm somehow the asshole so I just don't. I'm sad, obviously. I mean you.. died. Jesus. I just realized I said it earlier too. That you're dead. That doesn't feel like progress, I think I'm gonna be fucking sick.

I'm back. Good thing I'm not really sending these to you. You'd be pretty upset about the vomit stains on the paper. You'd probably burn this. Anyways. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm a little fucked up over watching you get shish-kabobbed right on top of me. I only see it every time I close my eyes. And I always wake up half expecting to be right there again. Like. Like part of me never moved from that spot. I've walked around feeling kinda hollow my entire life. And when I saw you in the restaurant, it was the first time in so long that I felt whole again. And you were gone again so fuckin' fast. And now it's like. I have never felt more empty and alone in my entire life. Like it physically hurts somewhere in my chest when I think about you but at the same time I'm so afraid I'll forget you again. I don't want to forget you this time. No matter how badly it hurts to remember. I won't. Never again. I think I have to stop for now, I can't even see what I'm writing anymore. On the bright side, I'm so emotionally exhausted I don't even need to get high to go to sleep tonight. Goodnight, Eddie. I miss you. And I love you. Like really fucking love you. I've never told anyone that. But I guess that's for another letter. Night.

Wednesday, April 12th, 2017

Eddie,

I'm writing you from the hospital because our "friends" are a bunch of fucking assholes and so are these doctors. Ben found me asleep on my bathroom floor and called 911 (I know it sounds bad but I swear I just partied too hard, I would've been fuckin' fine with some water and a pop-tart.) The hospital wanted to admit me involuntarily, but apparently Bill called my parents and I mean how am I supposed to argue with my mom while she's crying because Ben opened his stupid mouth and said my lips were blue when he found me? It's all a bunch of dramatic bullshit and I just wanna go home and instead I'm stuck in here until the psychiatrist with the douchey haircut says I'm not a threat to myself. I haven't even spoken to my parents in the longest time. I didn't want them here. I don't want anyone here. The look on my mom's face when I told her I'd only stay if they left will probably stay with me forever. But hey, I'm not the one who dragged them all the way out here. Bill is such a dick.

Saturday, July 15th, 2017

Hey, Eds.

Sorry, I know it's been a while. I'm a little bit fucked up right now. Shit has been not so great. Rehab was fucking miserable, and a waste of time and money (as you can tell). A lot has happened these past few months. I completely bombed a couple of shows. I don't even remember the second one. But I saw the video. Pretty sure everyone has. It was pretty bad. That's okay though. I'm starting over. I fired my manager, Steve. He's a good guy, and when I fired him we'd been in the middle of an argument, but I guess he was trying to be helpful? I don't know. Everyone is on my ass about the drinking like I'm 16 or something. I'm an adult. That's not the point, it wasn't the reason I fired him. I fired him because I finally realized why I liked him so much. He reminds me of you. Like. So much, Eds, I can't believe I didn't notice sooner. I was searching for you even when I couldn't remember who you were anymore. I know I said it in my letter a few months ago, But I never really got to tell you so now all I can do is try. I love you, Eddie. I love you. I'm in love with you. And I don't know if you would've thought that's weird, or gross, or if you would've even ever spoke to me again if you'd known. But I still wish I told you. You deserved love that wasn't also manipulation or control or abuse. And I have so much love for you, always have and always will. And I was too much of a pussy to tell you. If I'm being honest, I still am. I don't think I'll ever come out. If you were alive, I probably wouldn't tell you even now. But I wish that I would. I wish I had. I don't think you ever would've looked at me that way but it's nice to imagine sometimes. The life we could've had. Maybe one of these nights I'll dream about that and not about what actually happened. Goodnight, Eddie, my love.

Wednesday, September 6th, 2017

Eddie,

It's been a year. Today marks one year since we lost you. This has easily been the worst year of my entire fucking life. I wish we would've just left. I wish we didn't listen when Bill and Mike came back and spewed all of that bullshit about a ritual that didn't fucking work anyways. You died anyways. And I'd give up the rest of my life for ten good years with you even with the "horrible death" that Bev saw. I don't care. I'd take it. I'd take anything over this. I'm so fucking lost, Eds. I don't know if I said this in my last letter, I stopped going to therapy. I fuckin' hated it. I hated therapy. And I'm still writing in this stupid little notebook to someone who will never even read it just because I am that lonely and pathetic. I'm all alone and I fucking miss you so god damn much. I miss you so much. I don't talk to any of our friends anymore. I think they're sick of me, and I don't blame them. Bev said she didn't want me around when the baby comes. Not like this. But I don't think there's another version of me in there anymore. I think this is all that's left.

My mom died. She died last week and the last time I spoke to her was in the hospital back in April, when her and my dad flew across the country to come be here for me and I told them to fucking leave or I would refuse treatment. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to do. I wish you were here. All this time I've wished that I had more time to know you all grown up but now? Now I'm glad that at least you don't have to know me. I'm a horrible fucking person. All of our friends think so, and my mom died wondering where she went wrong. I hope you thought I was cool for those couple of days, even if you were wrong.

"Hello, This is Beverly Marsh. Thank you for calling. I sincerely apologize for missing your call..."

"Hello, you've reached Ben Hanscom at Hanscom Architecture. I'm unable to come to the phone right now..."

"Hi, you've reached Mike Hanlon. Leave a message..."

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the moment, but if you leave your name, number, and message, I'll return your call."

"Bill, H-Hey, It's uh. It's Richie. Call me back, man."

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the moment, but if you leave your name, number, and message, I'll return your call."

"Bill? It's Richie again. Call me back when you get this. Please. I know it's been a while and things have been.. Just call me."

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the moment, but if you leave your name, number, and message, I'll return your call."

"Bill, It's Richie. I'm suh-sorry. I'm so sorry. Please pick up, man. Please call me back, I really need you."

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the moment, but if you leave your name, number, and message, I'll return your call."

"Come on, I'll do anything. I'll do anything, Bill, just please p-pick up the fuckin' phone. Please. One more chance. Please I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I can't do it. I ruined everything, and I'm all alone and I'm fuckin' scared, man, Can you just--"

"Hey, this is Bill Denbrough. Thanks for reaching out. I'm busy at the--"

"Fuck!"

Friday, January 12th, 2018

Eddie,

You would be so fuckin' mad at me right now. Like for a lot of things but especially for this. I just want to say that I'm sorry. When you died, For a whole day before I left Derry I told myself that I wouldn't let you saving my life go to waste. That I would live my life to the fullest because you couldn't anymore. That I owed it to you. And at the time I really meant it. I really wanted to honor you. Like I said, that lasted about a day. Life without you in it when I couldn't remember you was pretty miserable. Life without you in it now that I remember, now that I know you existed and that you're gone now, it's fucking unbearable. I've become unbearable. I can't stand it here, I can't stand myself, none of the people I love can stand me anymore. I'm never going to move past this and I've fought everyone who tried to help me move past it tooth and nail. I'm not going to get better and that's on me. I just don't have it in me. And everyone who tries to help me just gets hurt because I'm a fucking prick. So.. I think I should probably just do the world a favor and wrap things up here. I think it would be best. I hate the world and the world hates me back (at least we have that in common.) Nobody really knows what comes next. But if there is a heaven and a hell, I'm afraid I might not see you. So I guess this is goodbye, again. I love you, Eddie. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I wanted to get it right. I don't think I ever stood a chance if I'm being totally honest. I've never really felt like I belonged here anyways. Not in a long time. I was scared earlier. Called Bill, and Bev, and Ben, and Mike a bunch of times. They don't answer anymore, and I guess I understand. I do. I do understand. I wouldn't want me around anymore either. But anyways, I'm not afraid anymore. I actually feel kind of relieved that it's over, or about to be. No more nightmares, or withdrawals, or making my friends or my parents cry. It'll finally all be over. And when I drift off, I'll think of you, Eds. I'm always thinking of you. I love you. I'm sorry. Goodnight.

"Bottoms up." Richie sighed. Not bothering with a glass this time as he tipped the bottle of bourbon back and practically chugged it, chasing a few Vicodin. He spent the next few minutes crushing the pills against the coffee table in the hotel room into dust and snorting them. Occasionally stopping for another swig from his bottle. Once he was all out of Vicodin, and half way done with the bourbon, He stood up.

"Woah..." He stumbled, Catching himself on the dresser. He felt everything coming back up, but he swallowed it again. Shaking his head stubbornly.

"No. No, It's time. I'm fucking-- I'm doing this. Don't fuck this up." He said to nobody in particular, voice slurring. Taking a few shaky breaths and stabilizing himself. He turned on some music to try and distract from the ringing in his ears, drinking some more. He drank until the room was spinning, and then he kept going. Hardly making it across the room to get to the balcony, knocking things over on his way. His hands were shaking so hard, lighting a cigarette took more than one try, but he managed. Staring at the midnight sky and rocking back and forth where he sat on the balcony, letting the numbness overtake him. Originally, when he'd stood back up, it was to try and head back inside. Maybe draw a bath, or curl up and drift off to an eternal sleep in the king size bed. Instead, He used the railing of the balcony to pull himself to his feet, stared at the sky for another minute, wiped his tears and climbed right over. And then he let go.

There was a loud, gut wrenching, sickening crack. And Richie awoke with a start, gasping. Jolting awake in the hammock across from Eddie, limbs flailing as he tried to catch himself before realizing he wasn't.. falling? Not only was he not falling, He wasn't in California and he was suddenly years younger than he'd been a moment ago. What. The fuck?

"Richie. Hey. Are you okay?" Richie's eyes went wide as he turned his head towards the voice that couldn't possibly belong to,

"Stanley.." He breathed, disbelief, breath starting to pick up. Eyes immediately shifting to the boy pressed snugly into the hammock with him.

"Eds.." His voice cracked, breathing faster, tears spilling over before he could even feel them coming. Hardly noticing the way every pair of eyes in the clubhouse was on him, full of concern.

"Woah, R-Richie, Hey. W-What's--"

"I'm sorry, guys. I'm so fucking sorry. God, I'm so sorry for everything, for all of it, I--" He cried so hard it was difficult to understand him.

"What are you t-talking about?" Bill asked, genuinely baffled and extremely worried.

"Yeah, Rich, What's going on?" Bev asked softly, hand going to rest on his shoulder. He jumped the second it made contact.

"Don't-- Don't touch me, please, don't touch me. I'm sorry. I'm-- Jesus fuck, I can't--"

"Richie, breathe.." Stan soothed.

"I'm not supposed to be here.."

"What?"

"I thought I was gonna die." Richie sobbed.

The others looked at each other in concern and what was slowly becoming panic. Not sure what prompted this or how to help. Seeing Richie cry was pretty rare. But this was.. It was more than his occasional sniffly, watery eyes, wobbly pouted lip and abrasive attempts to deflect. This was a breakdown like they'd never seen before, Especially not from him. He was crying so hard, he was literally gasping for air as Stan tried to soothe him and help him breathe. The other thing that didn't sit right with a single one of them was how the most physically affectionate of the group of them had suddenly reacted to physical contact like it'd burned him. Nobody knew what to do.

Least of all Richie. Was this some kind of sick joke?

Or was it a second chance?

#it 2017 #it 2019 #it chapter 1 #it chapter 2 #it chapter one #it chapter two #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #bill denbrough #mike hanlon #stanley uris #ben hanscom #beverly marsh #archive of our own #amanda's writing

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theharmonious13 · 1 month ago

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240 - Recovery Effort

Wonder how the apology talk will go

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

NOT HIROAKI TOO

Kamimura and his suicide attempts/self loathing were awful enough... oh my god Hiroaki self harming, I love angst but he doesn't deserve this man...

Ojima saying it was selfish to do that... badly said but intent noted

Hiroaki not understanding why Ojima is 1) back in his room and 2) doesn't hate him... oh my poor bois

Them both crying at the end is rough...

If Hiroaki dies after these conversations day 22 after being convinced to live on this is going to SUCK. And if Ojima dies and Hiroaki loses his closest ally then that will SUCK EVEN MORE. HIROAKI WILL NEVER BE OUTSPOKEN AGAIN, OJIMA WILL NEVER COME OUT OF DAYDREAM MODE EVER AGAIN.

Ojima's line 'Let's get you some water, okay? And just... talk' was one of the best line deliveries of this whole season I ALMOST CRIED/THIS IS EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATING WELL DONE VON + VOICE ACTORS

241 - Final Burden

This better not be the final time they interact (or be title foreshadowing), they better not split up at the end of this scene, Hiroaki better not be bleeding out to a severe degree that has him winding up dead

IT WAS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT? AND HIROAKI LET HIM IN? WAS THE DOOR UNLOCKED BECAUSE IF IT WAS THANK GOD OJIMA MADE IT IN TIME

Way too deep into the debt? Into the drugs? Into the public eye?

How to stop making bad decisions? Oh Hiroaki...

Hiroaki's voice acting here is PHENOMENAL, is there anything this man can't do? It's like hearing all the colours of the rainbow

Hiroaki likes Wada after all that 🥺

Hiroaki is a people pleaser? Really got into the wrong crowd, to validate his shitty actions yikes

Hiroaki is depressed as FUCK-

I feel super duper bad for him, I just want to make him feel better and see his worth 😭

Oh god I can relate to feeling like I've fucked everything up, ruined every relationship I've ever had HIROAKI DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES

'People don't want to see me improve, people want to see me burn' I feel like is an accurate description of the Pink cast 😩

'You hate yourself' Ojima 😭😭😭

'If you like you, then- Then... couldn't that be enough?' ABSOLUTELY HEART WRENCHING, I'M GIVING THESE TWO A BILLION VOICE ACTING POINTS

Von Babbit GIVE ME THE NEXT EPISODE RIGHT NOW OMG I HAVE TO KNOW IF WE STAY ON THESE TWO, MOVE ONTO A DIFFERENT CHARACTER/S OR GET A BODY DISCOVERY

IF THE VICTIM IS KAMIMURA, THE OTHER SUICIDAL GUY (and my absolute favourite character from this series) I WILL BE ABSOLUTELY DESTROYED

#tetro danganronpa pink #tetro danganronpa #tetro danganronpa spoilers #dr tetro #tetro pink #guys i'm getting emotional finally help

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limeade-l3sbian · 1 year ago

Note

Sorry, this is probably a heavy thing to put on, feel free to delete if this is too much for you to handle, I promise it won't upset me. I'm really considering suicide. I have a lot going on in my personal life and now that my eyes have been opened to how much the world hates women I find it difficult to cope. I truly don't know how to navigate the world knowing half the population wants to cut me up, use my reproductive organs, rape me, kill me, slather me in makeup, mutilate me, beat me, degrade and humiliate me just for being female. I can't trust or make friends anymore. I feel hopeless. Idk what I expect you to say, I just need to get this out and know that at least one person sees it and understands.

I don't know how helpful this will be, but I hope you know that I've been feeling the same way as well. It's part of why I haven't really been super active lately. I've been going through it as well, so I at the very least, hope you don't think you're alone.

This is a very shitty world and we are in this strange limbo right now of things either staying shit or getting shittier. And it's important to me that I don't give you advice that wouldn't personally help me. I think the best advice I can give you is this:

You're not going crazy. This hopelessness you feel is happening in record numbers. And your feelings about all this are completely valid. I hate that they're valid. I wish I could tell you, "But why do you think that's what's happening?" I wish i could be indignant and suggest that perhaps you were just looking too deeply into nothing. But you're not, and that's the biggest curse in being aware of the world around you.

I don't have the perfect answer for you. I wish I could write three paragraphs worth of inspiration and you hit me up two minutes later and tell me that after reading all that, now you want to conquer the world and nothing was going to stand in your way. I don't even have the perfect answer for myself.

I guess the best answer I can give you is that if you left, the world would just be a little more shittier. It would have just a little less sparkle to it that it is already sparse on. Someone's life (including mine, now that I know you exist), will dim in its quality if you were to do it. That hope that everyone grabs onto will lose just a little more grip without you. The world itself would shift in a way that isn't perceivably to you or me.

And that's not to say that you would be selfish to do it. An argument that I absolutely hate. But life would just go from 480p to 360p.

You should stay because what you are contemplating is going to come anyway. I have a post somewhere on here where i talk about how if you are suicidal, the best way to go about doing it is to live. Go out and live more than you ever have. That's when most people die. When they are out living and something out of their control happens. I would rather you die while ziplining with friends than crying and alone in a bathroom.

This sounds harsh, but I would rather all of this than give you some bullshit, "Oh, it's okay, sweetie. Have you talked to anyone? What about therapy? Did you do breathing exercises?"

You should go out and live, anon. And that doesn't even mean spend money. A full life isn't inevitable, but death is.

#ask

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sasukeuzumaki-uchiha · 1 year ago

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Omega Giyuu x Alpha fem reader

"A female Alpha?!"

Masterlist

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

I wrote this the same day as the part 1

Started writing this the 10/10/2023

Finished the 10/11/2023

TW: Rape, force pregnancy, a stupid man is in this chapter find him and i will give you a heart emoji, alpha x alpha, Shinobu x Tengen, Sanemi x Gyomei, suicidal thoughts, illegal age gap (17 x 30)

If you are sensitive to any of the trigger warnings you can skip the chapter and if you want to talk about it with me I'm ok to talk about it (Just remember that I can't help you get better, But I'm here so you can let it all go)

Just remember that you are not alone, their is numbers to help you

_________________________________________

Reader POV:

I'm close to get him!!!

You can do it!!

"GIYUU!!! Where are you going?!!!" I see him entering a house, is it his or someone he knew?

"GIYUU COME OUT, NO NEED TO BE SCARED!!!" I keep following him

I'm are such an idiot, i can't even follow an omega...

I cry in the snow

I'm such an idiot...

Why wasn't i able to get him to stay with me...

_________________________________________

Giyuu POV:

"SANEMI!!! I saw a beautiful woman but i don't know what to do?!" I ask my best friend Sanemi, he is a bit mean with people that are hurting me or his husband or his pups but in general he is nice

"What? Aren't you an omega?" He looked at me

"I know but i don't know what to do!!!" I feel like I'm about to cry

I finally let it all out

I feel Sanemi's arms around me

I'm finally safe...

For now at least...

_________________________________________

Sanemi POV

I feel him purring on me

So cute

No i can't have a crush on him... What will happen in Gyomei finds out... He will ask for a divorce its obvious...

I can't betray my own husband...

Well it's been a while since he fucked me but it's not a reason to cheat...

The only thing I can do is to let him be clingy and then pushing him off

_________________________________________

??? POV:

"Ara ara Shinaguzawa-san... Is Tomioka-san still clingy?" i rub my pregnant belly (Thank you Tengen...)

"It's not the first time Kocho... Oh i forgot, how is the baby in there?" He look at my belly

"I'm fine, but call me Shinobu... And why are you still calling me by my maiden name?" I keep rubbing my belly

"It's just in case, knowing Uzui he will replace you easily... All the omegas are in love with him" He look at me weirdly

"I know my husband very well... He said he loves me and our future baby!"

"He says that all the time and look, he left all his pregnant omegas boys like girls... He has no pity for anyone except himself"

I start crying and throw myself into Sanemi's arms next to Giyuu

_________________________________________

Reader POV:

That's it...

He hate me for sure...

It makes me remember my ex

(Flashback 3 years before)

"YOU DAMN SLUT!!! SUCK MY COCK!!!" He was screaming at me to suck him...

"Y-yes sir..." i start to suck his cock... It's wasn't the worst thing he ever did to me...

For a while he was super nice but one day he snapped and I'll pay the consequences

"Who knew that an alpha could fuck another alpha huh slut?!" He keep hitting my throat with his cock

"I'm sure i can impregnate you with a thousands of pups, your pussy will like it!"

I was trying so hard to not throw up...

It was ever since my 17th birthday that he started to rape me...

I wasn't allowed to push him away or I'd be sexually tortured

(20 minutes later)

I could feel him ejaculating in my belly, it was too late. I'm sure I'm pregnant, anyway this is the third time he's ejaculated in my belly...

"YOU BETTER BE PREGNANT BITCH!!!"

I nod sadly, anyway it's my fault for putting the knife in my heart I wouldn't have been raped if I did it before...

(Fast-forward 10 months later)

I love them so much but they remind me so much if their dad...

The same black curly hair

The same ruby eyes

I'm so sorry my babies but i should have been more confident, you wouldn't be suffering right now...

"I'm sorry..." i say crying while holding the 5 pups in my arms

(Fast-forward 2 ½ years later)

"Mommy!! Why are we getting away from daddy?" my oldest Tamayo ask curious

"Mommy is taking you and your siblings on a trip" i smile not telling her the truth

_________________________________________

Giyuu POV:

I can't stop feeling about her...

It's a weird feeling

I never felt it before

It's new to me...

Is it love?

Am I finally getting a girlfriend just like Obanai with Mitsuri?

I open my eyes hearing the door opening, i see Obanai in a panicking

"MITSURI IS IN LABOR!!!" Obanai scream, i see behind him a panicked Mitsuri

_________________________________________

Reader POV:

Who are they?

What are they doing here?

DID HE SAID THAT THE LADY WAS IN LABOR?!!!!

"Miss are you okay?" I get up and approach the woman

"Do i look like I'm okay?!" She said turning towards me. She seem a little bit irritated

_________________________________________

I'm so tired...

Sorry for the short chapter it's literally 12.30am and i'm still awake LOL!

Don't forget to give me comments (Only if you want)

See you all in part three

#demon slayer #x reader #giyuu x reader #giyuu x you #kny giyuu #kny fanfic #i love you all #have a nice day #or night #Tengen x Shinobu #Gyomei x Sanemi #Iguro x Nezuko

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dadrielle · 2 years ago

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Ok I've talked with enough people individually about this I should just make a post, SO: here is why I think Imogen Temult has ADHD*

Emotional dysregulation. When she tends to express her emotions instead of tamping them down, they are very often strong bursts, sometimes super anxious or upset, sometimes angry and vicious. This is often also at odds with her actions, which are much more measured (see for instance her saying of her dad she should "Drag him over to me, and open up his mind without even his-" versus how she actually acted with him). She also has difficulty pulling away from the emotion.

She tends to need to talk her thoughts out to fully understand where she's at and what she thinks. The best illustration of this is her conversation with Laudna in episode 49, where she comes to her decision as to how she feels about what her mother is showing her via talking her way through it.

Relatedly, her trains of thought that will completely flip midway through, the first instance of course being the very first episode, when she flips from deadpanning about Laudna thinking the kids could get them into the conservatory to actually considering it practically midword. She and Laudna will get into the weeds together going a little bit off the wall in their WHAT IF-ing and interrupting each other without needing to complete the full thoughts.

She often will get trapped in indecision and then make an impulse decision when time constraints demand it. ("WE'RE FUCKING.")

She is often a bit checked out of conversations until called upon, which I think could be both a symptom of the headaches she gets from the press of thoughts, and also possibly a symptom of ADHD.

She's kinda shit at lying when she's in a situation as genuinely herself and trying to spare someone's feelings or comfort them (pretending she and Laudna were still fighting for FCG, "Potatoes are my favorite food," every "I'm fine" ever uttered), but she's scary good at lying when it's more of a performance. Reads to me like it could be a skill gained through learning to mask.

We know she was bullied a bit as child by the Tildamere kids, which was pre-powers. While of course there are many many reasons kids might be bullied, it is worth noting kids with ADHD are often the target of bullying or may self-isolate.

Anxiety tends to be comorbid with ADHD, and it's very much a chicken-or-the-egg kind of situation. Imogen is obviously anxiety bitch supreme.

She didn't leave Gelvaan until Laudna came along. We know she was feeling suicidal at that point. Now, obviously there are a lot of reasons someone would stay in a place they hate and that hates them, but it seems plausible (and very familiar) to me that time blindness and executive dysfunction could play a part in that. Leaving without the kick of "oh we have to go right now" might have been one of those things that required too much plan/conceptualizing the future to seem like an option. Something she didn't realize she could just do.

Dogshit perception. lol. lmao.

*besides just that I'm projecting hard, also she and Laudna are AuDHD 4 AuDHD thank u for coming to my ted talk

#critical role #cr meta #imogen temult #cr3 #tw: suicide mention #slight but there

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villainsandvictimsalliance · 2 years ago

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Another quick rection from me, this time for the 390 bnha leaks!!!!!! :

Iida and Shoto's friendship is everything to me. They have now helped each other reach beyong their family darkest times and have given the absolute most for each other. I love them soo much!!

This justice and happiness for so many meta writers that have been telling the fandom it'd be like this. I salute those writers, wishing them an amazing time on their "I told you so".

I'm so glad Horikoshi made Enji acknowledge verbally and explicitly all the mistakes he has committed against his family and made him apologize to every one of them individually. He mistreated his family in many different ways but they all deserved closure. The ones following me for a while know that I'm not an Endeavor fan, but I appreciate what he brings to the narrative sometimes.

While I'm pleased that Enji is finally accepting his responsibility inthe fallout of his family,it scares me a little because I know the fandom would start fighting about wether Rei and his kids should forgive him immediately or not. It's gonna be different from each Todoroki, so stop for a second and ask yourself if in those situations, the victims should be pressured to do one thing or the other. If Fuyumi forgives Enji immediately but Touya never does, it is okay for both of them. Whatever makes them happy and helps them through their trauma, as long as it is not self-destructive or risks other people's lives.

I KNOW IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE FUNNY but Dabi saying that he should be dead —they all should be dead really— hurt a lot, but then I read Natsuo telling him “well that's gonna be a problem because you're gonna live bro” was so sibling behavior of them. Touya is suicidal and finds it easier for things to be over now, he hadn't planned for this to go this far, you know? And that's exactly why Natsuo asks what does he plan to do next.

I haven't read the translation yet, but if they really phrased it as "hellish life" (Natsuo says that's what awaits Dabi, after seeing the ice on his chest) is gonna be an immense irony but amazing writing. Dabi told Enji to come dance with him in hell, but isn't life hell on its own way sometimes? I love when a character that planned to die lives, because it defies the narrative and questions the character while giving room to so many opportunities.

SHOUTO FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING HOW COMPLEX TOUYA'S ORIGIN IS. It's nothing you can solve with mere words, nothing you can solve with a conversation. This is a huge win in this manga, contrasting the shonen trope of things being solved through words or the speech of the protagonist.

People better give Rei all the recognition she deserves or I'm gonna start punching them.

Touya saying they all should be dead and that he hates them all and Enji asking for him to tell him how he feels— this is how things get solved. It's a callback not only to Enji, but to many other conflicts were pro-heroes and other adults should have listened to victims, villains or their own kids to understand what was wrong, but decided to tackle the issue without even caring to have a grasp on it. Right now, Enji wants to start from where Dabi is, not from where he wish he should be. He's not arguing against Touya's feelings or going against them or anything. He is willing to communicate and listen to him, he is being open and vulnerable and direct and that's exactly how it should be. Super funny coming from me, but this was an Enjj win.

BUT I'M IN SHAMBLES FOR TOGA. I AM KICKING SCREAMING SCRATCHING THE WALLS OF MY ROOOOOOM.

If there is a testament of how much they (the members of the League of Villains) care for each other, it's that Toga can't see Dabi's fire anymore and immediately wishes he found a way to smile, exactly like he said she should. She's having a whole breakdown over how much she knows she love Tomura and Dabi and why her quirk won't work from them, but even with tears in her eyes, she's wondering if Dabi is happy now, if he was able to reach his goal. Horikoshi please, you need to gives us all a panel of Touya and Toga smiling together after the battle, okay? They deserve it.

OCHAKO IS SO CLOSE TO HER RIGHT NOW as she's being held down by multiple Twice clones. I'm so excited to see the resolution of their fight!!! It feels perfect that Ochako gave that speech about wanting to see the people she love and people in general smile and now Toga is just thinking about that with Touya. Narratively speaking, I enjoy so much how these girls are connected to each other. Now that Shouto reached his brother and was able to stop him with help from his family, it's time for Toga and Ochako, then Deku and Tomura.

I'm satisfied and happy, being honest. There's still some road left ahead, but I'm liking what I'm seeing at the moment. This must be one of my favorites chapters so far!!!!

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imperator-titus · 6 months ago

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Ghost from the Past [Part 9]

The Gang finally figures out what Eletha's problem is.

Had this one written out for a while. Features a lot of my triggers because I'm fucking insane. Sometimes you just wanna punish yourself, right? That's normal?

CW: General Mental Illness issues, Mentions of past abuse and suicidal ideation, Also the Super Secret Weird Trigger

(Prev)[Part 8] (Next)[Part 10] [Master Post]

No one saw Eletha leave her tent for two days while they braved the shadow curse and all its challenges. Astarion would’ve stayed upset about this if he wasn’t excited about Raphael’s offer of help. Gale told him that they should wait and see before making any deals with devils and now Astarion was giving him the cold shoulder.

Worried and sick of the mood in camp, Gale convinced Bonnet to let him into her mistress’s tent. There he found her in a curious state: not quite elven trance, but not quite conscious either. Tentatively, he shook her shoulder, but she didn’t rouse. Clenched in her hand was a tattered scrap of cloth, perhaps a remnant of some once-fine robe or doublet.

“Pardon me,” he whispered as he decided his next course of action. Reaching out with both magic and the tadpole, he murmured softly, “Do let me know if I’m intruding.”

Something connected and his mind was transported to someplace else. The ground was just a shade different from the sky, creating a sense of boundless emptiness. Here he found Eletha sitting on the edge of- Well, it was a rather large hole with no discernable sides or bottom, just complete darkness.

“I’m sorry. I don’t have any tea or cake,” she told him listlessly, eyes not leaving the hole. Her skin was covered in scratches and her clothes were torn. “Poor reception for a friend. Wizard friend.”

“May I… sit?” Gale asked hesitantly, peering into the hole only to be met with nothing. Eletha nodded and he sat down beside her. “Is this what troubles you?”

“Mm. I’m losing it, aren’t I? Out there.” She didn’t wait for his answer. It was rather obvious that if he was here, he felt that she was in danger. In a haunting sing-song voice she went on, “Down, down, down. Spiraling down. Cracked like an egg, to hatch or to eat? The dry leaves sound lovely, under our feet.”

Well that’s concerning, Gale thought to himself. “What is in the hole?”

“Something old. Something bad. Lorelai.”

“Ah, your childhood name, yes?”

“Bad, evil, mean old Lorelai,” she said by way of answer, using the tone of a child talking about a monster in a book or a hated schoolmarm. Then darkly, like that hated schoolmarm, she added, “Little Lorelai doesn’t know any better.”

“You know, I was quite the scamp back in my day too. That’s how I met Tara. My parents denied me a kitten, so I summoned a tressym instead,” he explained with a fond smile and a twinkle in his eyes. He went on about other ‘naughty’ things he did as a child, such as summoning mephits or destroying things with errant magic. He felt that if he could get her to accept that making trouble as a child was a normal part of growing up, then she might begin to forgive herself for whatever she’d done.

Gale’s happy memories only served to weaken the edge of the hole further, bits breaking off every now and then. While speaking about his mother, how much he loved her, the hole suddenly emitted a disturbing sound. A wail mixed with crying, piercing and discordant. Gale stopped his story, training his senses to make heads or tails of what was happening. The wail faded as voices rose in its stead. Elven voices, melodic and refined, called out “Lorelai.”

“Lorelai, you are too young to make such decisions,” Eletha said in Elvish in a man’s voice. It sounded stern and agitated, almost hostile. “Non Moverē.”

She recited the incantation for a Hold Person spell with perfect precision, but it was only an echo of a memory. Whoever had cast it was highly skilled.

“You must set aside your feelings for the good of us all. I did not raise you to be a brat, A’Sum. This is a blessing,” she said in a woman’s voice. It was sharp and disappointed. This voice called upon the Weave to calm her daughter’s emotions.

“If you cannot behave, then we will make you behave, my blood or not,” a second man’s voice said through Eletha’s lips. It snarled, full of revulsion. “Impero tibi.”

I command you, from the tongue of an expert spellcaster. Young and inexperienced, Eletha would have been unable to resist.

“I… I think I understand,” Gale said after waiting a moment for her to continue. “It will be okay. You have us now. We won’t let that happen.”

“It doesn’t make a difference,” she said in her own voice, streaked with pain. “It’s always been here. It’s not going away this time.”

“What-”

A monstrous black claw shot out of the black hole. Gale threw himself back, only to fall out of Eletha’s tent.

“What in the hells was that about?” Karlach asked, looking down at him with confusion.

“I was trying to help,” he answered, trying to rub the befuddlement out of his head.

“MmMmh, breakfast?” Eletha asked blearily, poking her head out of the tent flap. “Can I have eggs?”

“No, Lethi, go back to sleep,” Karlach told her, pushing her friend back into the tent when she appeared to be asleep sitting up.

“So. What hot gossip did you two discuss?” Astarion purred as he approached Gale’s tent, where the wizard was currently writing in his journal. Despite his attempts to seem otherwise, it was clear that the question came from a place of concern.

“Do you remember anything of your families?” Astarion glared at him.

“No. All I know is what little Eletha has told me. They were semi-important.” Gale hummed in response, distracted. “Why?”

“Nothing. Only something to consider.” Astarion huffed with false humor. Scratching his beard, talking more to himself than Astarion, Gale said, “It’s a shame Cazador made you forget your old life. Of us all, you can relate to her the most…”

“I’m not sure I understand the similarities.”

“Held against your will by someone who claims to love you, to be your family. Made to behave. Bodies not yours to command,” Gale explained rather compassionately. Then he grew pensive again. “What did she do, that necessitated such methods of containment? Is it the action, or the reaction, that is affecting her?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. It’s always ‘I did a bad horrible thing, I’m evil, I can never be forgiven.’ Things like that.” Astarion laughed then sighed a little sadly. “Oh Gale. First a goddess. Now an insane elf. How does it feel to fall so far?”

“Does driving your first lover into the arms of pain and madness hurt worse or less than all the blood on your hands?” Gale sniped. Astarion startled, then bristled.

“That’s not fair,” he warned.

“Any more fair than what you just said?” Gale asked, getting to his feet. Standing tall, he had to look down at Astarion a little bit.

“Keep your meddling paws out of other people’s business,” Astarion growled.

“Why must you treat me like an enemy? We want the same thing: for her to get better. To do that, I’m afraid we must meddle in her business.”

“It’s not just her business, is it? It’s mine as well.”

“The business of a man buried over two centuries ago.” Gale tilted his head and the harshness left his eyes and voice. “You’re worried that she can’t forgive you.”

“Of course I am!” Stupid wizards. Why did they have to be so smart and also so slow at the same time?

“Mm, I find it unlikely. You hold a special place in her heart, broken or no,” Gale told him rather academically, picking something up from his desk. In his outstretched palm he held the scrap of cloth from Eletha’s tent. With a pair of tweezers, he carefully dissected it, revealing a lock of curly white hair. When his tweezers tried to brush the hairs, they were rebuffed. “A preservation charm. I can only assume that this hair once belonged to you, perhaps the garment this cloth came from as well. With a few tools and a wizard’s expertise, she could have easily found you in Baldur’s Gate.”

“But she didn’t. The one civilized place on the Sword Coast she’s never visited,” Astarion said harshly, hovering between shock and anger.

“There are many possible explanations. Eletha is a proponent of choices. You chose to leave, so she respected your choice. Perhaps she was afraid that you never loved her, or that you hated her for waiting so long to follow.” Gale carefully resealed the token so that it could be replaced in Eletha’s tent. “Perhaps she had no choice but to let you go. There’s no telling until she feels ready to explain.”

“I’ll put it back,” Astarion said after a moment, holding out his hand. Gale placed the token in his palm, only to gently take hold of his hand.

“It is a shame. I was hoping to encourage a relationship between us. Eletha was always interesting, a mix of mysterious and open, having lived a rich life of adventure. I had an impression that she found me interesting as well, but she is so clearly afraid of being hurt again.” Gale looked at their interlocked hands fondly. “I suppose I could say the same for you.”

Astarion clicked his tongue and emitted a soft sound of sweetness before threading his fingers through the loose waves of hair at the back of Gale’s neck. Pulling him down slightly while raising himself up on his toes, Astarion pressed their lips together in a needy kiss.Gale’s mouth opened slightly in a surprised gasp and Astarion found his tongue with his own.

Neither kissed like a novice, but it felt different. Electric. With the orb stabilized by Mystra, Gale didn’t fear the sudden excitement of flesh touching flesh or the sound of someone’s moans in his ears. Even Eletha’s light touches and chaste kisses on his head threatened to explode his heart after so long without a person’s touch.

He was suddenly aware of how clammy his hands had become. His body was shaking and his head felt like it might float away without him. A pit of sickness sat in his stomach and Gale pushed Astarion away just a little bit. Before Astarion could misunderstand, he said shakily, “I think it has been too long for me. I am a starving man eating more than his stomach can handle.”

Astarion’s face went through a range of emotions, from hurt to annoyance and finally thoughtfulness. “Eletha had that reaction too. I just assumed she was drunk, but the only thing you seem drunk on is the taste of my lips.”

“There is some truth to that,” Gale agreed with a light laugh. Holding a hand to his heart, he said, “I assure you, I enjoyed that very much.”

“I should… put this back,” Astarion said hesitantly with a small smile, indicating Eletha’s token. “Maybe I’ll come around later. Discuss… what was it we were reading now?”

“I have no clue.”

“Mm… I have done a number on you,” Astarion purred in self-satisfaction before leaving Gale’s tent.

Thankfully, Bonnet wasn’t sitting in front of Eletha’s tent when Astarion attempted to sneak in. The bear would’ve probably mauled him on sight otherwise.

He sat for a moment, just watching her breathe, fighting some internal demon. Very carefully, he placed the token in her open hand, which closed and retreated to her chest.

---

It was late and everyone was seeing to their evening routines when indecipherable elvish yelling grew louder in Eletha’s tent.

She emerged, a leather wallet in one hand, her face red with anger. Everyone was gathering, but she only had eyes for Astarion. Pointing an accusing finger at him, she yelled, “How dare you go through my things!”

Astarion chuckled nervously, holding up his hands in surrender. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, like anyone else has an interest in my journals? The place where I keep all my intimate thoughts and memories?” Eletha sneered, narrowing her eyes. Astarion went from nervous to confused.

“I didn’t take your journals,” he insisted, biting off the urge to call her ‘darling’ or ‘my dear’. He knew by now that it could upset her more just as much as it could make her melt. “And even if I did, it would only be to figure out what’s wrong with you so we can move on.”

“What’s wrong with me?!” Those closest to her tensed, preparing to stop her if she decided to settle this with a fight. Those closer to Astarion gravitated towards him, to get between them if anything went wrong.

Instead, Eletha undid the complicated tie of her wallet and dumped the contents out onto the ground. A seemingly endless flood of books, papers, and scrolls fell out. Giving it one last shake to make sure it was empty, Eletha dropped the wallet on the pile.

“They’re yours now. Have fun,” she growled at him before returning to her tent.

Those nearby rushed forward as a slight breeze caught the papers, threatening to blow them into the campfire. Everyone gathered to deal with the mess.

“Interesting. A bag of holding, but just for paper?” Gale pondered aloud as he inspected the leather wallet before setting it aside. Astarion snatched it up with a little glare. He was pretty sure he just got blamed for Gale’s sticky fingers and he wasn’t about to let the wizard take something Eletha just entrusted to him.

“She certainly needs it,” Shadowheart remarked, gathering some journals into a stack and setting them next to Gale, who immediately started organizing them.

“Wow, so many for this Lorelai person,” Karlach said after a while of picking up letters and putting them into a semi-neat pile.

“That’s her childhood name,” Gale explained, becoming excited by something he’d noticed. “Elves pick their own name when they reach one hundred years of age.”

“Oh.” Karlach went from confused, to understanding, to confused again. “Why are they all still sealed? Seems weird, keeping letters you didn’t even bother readin’.”

Gale was deaf to the question, reading the oldest of the journals. In a stilting manner, as he not only had to translate Elvish, but a child’s Elvish, he read aloud to himself loud enough for them to hear.

“Father said that I should keep a journal, so I can always remember what happened to me. Today isn’t my birthday, but another elf was born last week. Mother said they were worried I would get upset that I was no longer the youngest and wouldn’t get all the attention, so they gave me a gift. I don’t think the new baby wants the attention I get. All Father and Mother do is yell at me for not doing what they want, but I don’t understand what they want. Maybe Astarion will understand. But right now he is just a squishy ugly baby with BIG GOBLIN EARS. They are SO BIG. I hope he grows into them, like the hunting dogs’ puppies.”

On the other side of the page was a crude child’s drawing of what appeared to be a fat baby’s head with cherubic cheeks and some rudimentary curls. Attached to either side were massive elf ears. Surprised, Gale guffawed most uncharacteristically and turned the journal to show everyone. They all laughed, except Astarion, who grumbled in embarrassment.

“Mother says I have to take care of Astarion, it is my ‘role.’ All the Mothers tell me that I should prepare myself, even if it might never happen. Having to take care of him makes me feel gross. The way the Mothers talk about babies makes me feel grosser. I tried taking him away from them, so they’d stop making me feel bad and wouldn’t make him feel bad either, but they yelled at me and made me sit in the rocks again. It’s not Star’s fault. He’s just a baby. One day he’ll be my age, will he feel like this too? All the other children are so much older than me, they treat me like a baby too. I feel like I’ve grown up a lot in a year. I have to grow up just enough to protect Star but still be his friend.”

“Oh, that’s heartbreakin’…” Karlach breathed, holding her breath as she listened. The others were listening, reacting in their own little ways. Lae’zel was still cleaning up the mess. Shadowheart knelt, appearing as if in prayer. Wyll took special interest in each thing he picked up so he could put it in the appropriate pile. Halsin listened with compassionate sadness, while Astarion sat like a statue, frozen in place.

Gale skipped ahead, his wizard’s mind able to quickly read and catalog the information, especially as the Elvish got better. Something made him smile. “Astarion keeps stealing my socks. Why socks? At least they’re clean socks. A lot of stuff keeps going missing and showing up somewhere else and I think it’s him. A lot of them let Astarion into their caravan for no reason and let him do what he pleases, but I’ve seen him sneak into our caravan before to steal my socks. Whenever I catch him, he sticks them on his ears and says ‘I can’t hear you! I have feet for ears!”

Everyone but Astarion laughed once more.

“That’s so strange… It looks like she wrote or drew something every day, but there’s a whole year missing. The pages are ripped out.” Shadowheart pointed out, having flipped through a few of the journals herself. “She said Astarion left when she was 35, so the year after is missing.”

Everyone was making comments about him, but Astarion was deaf as he picked out a bundle of papers from the pile. One edge of them was jagged. He undid the piece of string holding them together and unfolded them.

“Lorelai will behave. Lorelai will eat. Will drink. Rest. Do as she is told. Stay. Not bite off her tongue. Not use the fire. Not practice the sword or the bow or with hands. She will not talk back, she will not scream or raise her voice. She will speak only when spoken to and always be polite. She will not interact with outsiders. She must always be accompanied. Always be clean. Lorelai will be a good girl. Lorelai will apologize for what she’s done. I am a good girl. I promise to be good. I am sorry for what I’ve done.”

The torn pages lined up with those tears in the journal. The first page after was a depiction of a black circle. Taking the journal from Astarion, Gale pointed at the picture. “I’ve seen that. In her head. ‘Something old, something bad. Evil, mean old Lorelai.’”

Gale flipped past some more drawings and lists of typical adventurer things like how many supplies she had and where she was going. Then it went back to a sane depiction of a journal.

“I am not a good girl. I will not do as I’m told. I will not behave. I will eat and drink to spite them. I will bite my tongue when it suits me, when its sharpness cannot aid me. I will speak loud and clear when I please. I will be alone. I will not apologize. I am not sorry for what I’ve done, my only regret is that I let them control me. I won’t let anyone control me ever again.

“I am never coming back. I will never forgive these transgressions against me. I will not forget them, but I will bury them, in a hole deep and dark and bottomless inside me. The hole they made in me, where my heart and family should be.

“I don’t believe that Astarion left in order to leave me behind. He loves to chase and be chased. But I will always wonder, if that was true, why didn’t he turn back to find me? Maybe they were right. I will grant them this small token of grace. Maybe I was abandoned, as I abandon in kind.

“I am far from my 100th year, but I shake off the yoke of my name. Everyone I meet will know me as Eletha, a name Astarion always liked, and I will fashion myself a Nighstar. Who will ever know it’s not true? I might not ever be important, these might be the only words ever written about me, but when I speak this name, I will know that I am more than what I was meant to be.”

“I can’t tell if that’s sad or brave…” Wyll whispered to himself.

“What’s… E… Sum? Hey, I’m getting pretty good at this Elvish thing!” Karlach said excitedly, holding up a letter she’d been inspecting. Gale, Shadowheart, Halsin, and Astarion went blank-faced.

“It says, ‘To my Son’,” Halsin explained gently and quietly, so Eletha couldn’t overhear them.

“I do not understand. As in a male child?” Lae’zel asked.

“Yes, Lae’zel. And seeing as Eletha is a female child…”

Shadowheart laughed nervously, pinching Halsin’s arm to get him to shut up. “Maybe it’s for Astarion! And she just… forgot about it.”

“As nice as that seems…” Gale started darkly, holding Eletha’s journal with the pages ripped out, “With the knowledge I have, of all the theories I’ve considered, and the fact that I can recognize Eletha’s hand, it is most likely that this is to her son…”

Everyone sat in stunned silence for a moment. Then Karlach looked at Astarion and offered him a strained smile. “Congratulations?”

“That paper seems awfully old. And it looks like it was never sealed,” Wyll pointed out, taking the letter from Karlach. “She never sent this. Why keep it? I guess it’s like the others. Felt too guilty to burn it? Thrown in the bag and forgotten?”

“We shouldn’t read that, right? Even dictating every event of her life for over 260 years is less personal than that,” Shadowheart insisted warily, carefully taking the letter from Wyll and handing it to Gale.

“It is, however, the center of the problem,” Gale explained firmly. “If anyone is to read it, it should be Astarion.”

“Why should I read it?!” he yelled out, his voice cracking. Some of them leaned away nervously. “Don’t look at me like I’m crazy! This is crazy! This is insane! And not the least bit funny.”

“It is okay to be upset,” Halsin told him gently.

“Of course it’s okay! This is very upsetting! I’m sure for someone like you, this would come as no surprise! Almost two months ago, I was just a vampire spawn hunting for my master. I’ve had an old lover show up who wants to play mindgames, go insane, and now this?!”

“I don’t think it’s mindgames, bud,” Karlach said, going through a journal that appeared to be in Common instead of Elvish, although sometimes the script slipped and she had trouble reading it. “Look. 50 years ago. She met an elf on the road, they hit it off, they try to give it a go, she has a lot of nasty feelings after. Talks about this black pit, yeah? And it gets all hard to read. Then she says someone named Mellia found her and took care of her until she got better.”

“Mmm, sounds much like now. She’s spiraling,” Shadowheart said, taking the journal and reading the same bit like they were in some book club with only once copy.

“Down, down, down, spiraling down. Cracked like an egg, to hatch or to eat? The dry leaves sound lovely under our feet,” Gale repeated in a hollow sing-song voice, stroking his beard in thought.

“That’s right fucked.” Some murmured in agreement. Karlach looked at them all, hoping for an answer. “So what do we do? Hide all the booze? Make her stay awake?”

“Honestly, she was fighting harder before this little… break,” Wyll remarked. “I’d be happy if we could get back to that.”

“Eletha has been avoiding this since the beginning. This is an invitation as much as it is an explanation. She needs to say these words herself, so she might share the burden,” Halsin explained with the dispassion of a healer trying to be taken seriously at the expense of compassion.

“I didn't want to go to that hag, but Wyll was right. Damn those foolish boys and their foolish sister. People go to hags for a reason. They want something and there is payment. They are desperate and stupid and they don't understand that. I left Ethel and Mayrina alone because the girl made her choice. My parents, Astarion’s parents, the whole clan, they took my choice away from me.

“I can still hear that hag’s mockery in my head. ‘A dead dog is a better mother than you. Just as selfish and stupid as this girl. You should be ashamed of yourself, trying to smother a babe before it’s even born.’

“She’s wrong. I made the right choice, to walk away. He didn't deserve a mother like me. No child does.

“If Mellia turned me, could she make me forget, like Astarion? Could Aluin just say some words, wiggle his fingers, or brew me a potion? Maybe this adventure will be my last and it’ll be some other elf’s problem in a hundred years. I’m sorry for haunting your reveries, my next life.

“I’m sorry, everyone. I wanted to protect you, to be strong for you. I wanted to be a shield against the cruelty of the world, but I’m afraid my steel is brittle and my wood rotten. I can’t be your mother any more than I could be his.”

“The rest is… scribbles,” Gale explained in saddened resignation, flipping past indecipherable text and grotesque attempts at artistry.

“Maybe we should put these away,” Halsin said, taking the pouch from Astarion and carefully putting journals in one by one. The others made tidy piles in front of them and passed the pouch around, until Gale was handing it back to Astarion.

“She did say that they were yours now,” he explained when Astarion started to push it away. “Although. A bag of holding just for texts? I would gladly take it off your hands.”

“No, you can’t eat this one,” Astarion growled, putting his body in between the bag and Gale. Gale chuckled and smiled, easing the tension around the camp.

Astarion sat in his tent, alone, staring at the things in his lap. One was the wallet, and on top of it, the well-worn letter. He fingered its edge in agitation. A little tear formed and he panicked. Very carefully, he set it aside and opened the wallet once more. He placed the letters into little piles. Letters addressed to Lorelai, unopened. Letters addressed to Eletha, in smaller piles by sender. There were quite a few from people named ‘Mellia, Your Sanguine Companion’, ‘Aluin of Suzail’, ‘Tyrlumin, Your Melodic Cha’, and ‘Bromthrum Starkhammer, Provider of Fine Crafts.’ There were miscellaneous letters, some very old, from people thanking her for heroic deeds or just simple acts of kindness. There was even one thanking her for the exceptional quality of a set of mink pelts she provided that went into making a coat for some king Astarion never heard of.

He read them, because he couldn’t help himself. She seemed very close with her humanoid companions, which probably explained why she had so many letters.

Mellia, mysterious and charming, her oldest and possibly closest friend. They met when a pack of gnolls were terrorizing some little farming town. They banded together to slaughter every one. Eletha was just passing by, Mellia was a vampire and had an accord with one of the village leaders. It made his blood boil, he couldn’t think of a higher vampire and not see Cazador, but her letters were so… sweet. Not fake sweet. She would recount some event or vista that made her think of Eletha and their adventures. It was hard to imagine a vampire soaking with an elf in a hot spring up in some monster-infested mountains, but they apparently had 50 years ago. ‘I am glad that I could keep you away from the edge once more, my lovely friend. Maybe it is time you venture to Baldur’s Gate? I will gladly join you, and I know that you have other friends that would answer the call.’ A band of hardened adventurers, showing up at Cazador’s palace, demanding he relinquish his favorite spawn? A story for the ages…

Aluin the human mage, whose words read nothing like Gale’s. Even as he grew older, his boyish exuberance could still be heard in his retellings of discoveries and mishaps. She lost her eye protecting him from a warg and guided him back to Suzail. To return the favor, he offered her a magic eye. It allowed her to peer into memories of places, things, and people, to see them as they once were. Aluin wanted her to take him on many adventures and he always thanked her from the bottom of his heart for every scrap of artifact she sent to him from her travels. There was a subtle love in his words.

Tyrlumin, a half-elf bard, whose age she could not discern. He often talked to her like she was a child, but had his own childish penchant for getting into trouble. They met on the road, nothing special, but they were drawn to one another. It seemed he used her for inspiration in some of his songs. He would run into her, seemingly not by accident, and they would travel together until he would disappear in the night, leaving behind a note. It was often a dirty limerick.

Finally, Bromthrum, a purveyor of high-quality dwarven goods, trading to princes, wizards, and thieves alike. She came to his aid upon the road as he was waylaid by bandits. They shared a fondness for drink and smoke. He sounded enamored by her elven beauty and the artistry she employed in battle. She seemed drawn to his complete lack of similarities to elves. He gave her steep discounts on goods and she protected his caravan when she was around.

Astarion didn’t touch the sealed letters. Maybe he had some sense of propriety. They were all so old… It seemed they stopped only 50 years after she left the Dales.

Then there were two. For their E’Sum. For Astarion Ancunin, Baldur’s Gate.

This, too, was old, but not as old as some. Likely, this letter would have never reached him. The furthest it might have gotten was to Cazador, and then what jealous hellfire would his master have rained upon him for receiving a letter from a long-lost lover?

It was meant for him. That meant he could read it, no? It found him, after all these years.

Astarion snuck into Gale’s tent.

“Can I help you?” Gale grumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“I need you to read this,” Astarion insisted, shoving the letter at him. Gale moved away, offended as Astarion pressed the piece of parchment into his chest.

“I think you're capable of reading.”

“I can't do it.”

“Then don't read it.”

“But it's for me.”

“Then I shouldn't be reading it.”

“Dammit Gale, can you just do this for me?” Astarion hissed. “Can you stop being an emotionless pompous arse for one minute?”

“I'm not emotionless, I’m exhausted. That wasn’t exactly easy on me, either. I didn’t even tell you some of the horrible things in those journals,” Gale explained, but took the letter anyway. A little hurt he said, “Is that how you see me?”

“Gale, I need the attention now, or I'm going to start stabbing people.”

“How is that different from usual?” Gale muttered as he opened the letter. “Dear Astarion, stop being dramatic and let Gale sleep.”

“You’re aware of how much of an ass you are, yes?”

“My Star,” Gale started, ignoring him. He actually put a little emotion into it. Astarion listened intently. “Aluin says that writing letters is healing, that ordering our thoughts to communicate them helps us understand ourselves as much as it helps others understand us. I’m not as good with words as Mellia or Lumin. I guess you don't know any of these people. They are friends I've made along the way and if we meet again, I want you to meet them. They’ve helped me a lot, taught me that I deserve to be loved and helped. I don’t always believe them, but it is what it is. Do you remember Heilar saything that all the time, when you’d tell him I beat you unfairly during sword practice? I wonder if I still can.

“I spent a long time hating you, but I always loved you. I never wished ill on you, even when I hated you the most. I always wondered what I did to make you leave me behind. I always wondered if you thought I'd follow. I wanted to, but our parents bade me stay. Then they made me stay.

What is it like, in Baldur’s Gate? I always wanted to go to Waterdeep instead.” Gale's eyes lit up suddenly and he opened his mouth to make some quip, but when he looked up, Astarion was the picture of anxiety, biting his lip, knees to his chest, fear in his eyes.

“It took me a long time to accept responsibility for what happened. I would always say to myself that you left a mess behind, you did this to me, that it was all your fault. It was best that you left, because if you'd stayed, I don't want to imagine what you would have done. Would you take their side, or defend me tooth and nail? I couldn't bear it if you were just another person I couldn't forgive. But I wouldn’t want our family’s blood on your hands either.

“I don't know his name. I left as soon as I could. I'm sorry that I can't tell you anything about him. I would think that your parents would try to write you, but maybe they think it meant nothing to you. They try to write me, but I can't read them. I don't want to read them, but I can't destroy them.

“No matter how many friends I make, how many people I help, I will always know that I am a callous monster. Despite how rare it is, despite what it would mean for our families and our people, I didn't want to keep the thing you left behind in me. Knowing it was there filled me with a sickness that went beyond any story the Mothers told me. I was no longer myself, I was just a vessel. I found myself repulsive. I tried to find some way to be rid of it, but our mothers caught me.

“At first they aimed to tame me with guilt and shame. They told me I was irresponsible, cowardly, a disgrace, for trying to throw away this blessing that felt to me like a curse, a punishment. There were only hard eyes and sharp words for me. I became desperate and tried my own ways of removing my curse. When they denied me that, I tried to bite through my own tongue to spare myself the pain of my burden and it the pain of having me for a mother.

“They took turns, holding me with their magic, giving me no choice but to do what they deemed right. I looked out of my eyes on a world that became hostile and full of villains, faces made of cruelty. The body that moved was not my own, but I still felt that awful feeling in my heart, felt trapped in my own skin just as much as in their power.

“I'm not sorry that I left, so why do I feel guilty? Broken? I'm not sorry for being broken. Was this soul always broken, throughout its many lives?

“I made a deal with a fey. In exchange for never bearing children again, I am cursed to burn by the emptiness of the new moon. It hurt, at first, but not as much as that year hurt. The fey thought me mad for requesting such a simple silly thing and not real power. Maybe I am. You have to be pretty mad to make a fey question your request.

“I’m sorry. I love you. I forgive you. I don't expect you to forgive me. I hope you can still love me, as unlovable as I am.

“Ever yours- Lori”

At some point, Astarion had placed his head in Gale’s lap. So caught up in the letter, Gale didn't notice. Now that he was done, he freed up a hand to pat Astarion’s head. “Can I go back to sleep now?”

“No.”

“Okay,” Gale whispered tiredly, still stroking Astarion’s hair. “It’s going to be okay. Tomorrow is another day.”

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tgirlblogger · 1 day ago

Text

Dear Diary,

CW: Eating Disorder, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation

Same old same old really. Generally an okay day, somewhat bad, but hey when does it ever get good right?

Finally got to skip lunch again, hunger is quite possibly one of the most exquisite feelings in the world. It gnaws at you and hurts you and it is incredible, because you know you're working towards your goal. You know the burning feeling is good for you. What kinda sucks/kinda is good about it is that it just goes away if I don't think about it. I'm really only hungry until usually ten or eleven. Like sure I know I could eat, but it just doesn't hurt. I'm pretty sure this is normal for everyone, but I'm super afraid to ask whether or not it is, because what if it is in fact normal and I essentially ask "is it normal for people to have 2 legs? Is it normal to breathe with your nose? Is it normal to blink?". So I'm doing it indirectly with this diary, but then again really nobody reads these, so I probably won't get a response.

I'm trying something new today, which is drinking water instead of snacking or whatnot. I feel that if I stopped just eating random junk I would be well under 105 right now, and its working pretty well. We got this juice drink or whatever that has "0 calories" and I trust it enough that I will drink it and expect it not to give me any calories or whatnot. I know that it means <5 calories, but I only drank 2 today and at most 10 cals is like nothing. The juice (it actually might be soda) is super tasty, and like its kinda killed my appetite. + I drank a bunch of water too. Unfortunately I super really need to pee but like most problems just kinda go away if you don't think about them. So all I ate today was just some leftover noodles from Saturday when we went to that restaurant. Pretty good stuff, and I can eat it without guilt because its the only thing I ate, and hopefully today I can get my act together and throw a bunch of it up.

It turns out that yeah I was right and wrong and no I won't get HRT on my first referral I have to wait more. I think I already knew this. I kinda hate my mom, because like she's jsut sooooo. I can't describe it tbh. Like I said I was gonna kill myself if she didn't let me get HRT and she just kinda laughed it off? Genuinely a motivator for me to kill myself, but I'm too cowardly to really actually do it. Sure I've got excuses but deep down its because I don't want to. I think she laughed it off because to her knowledge things have been great and I haven't cut in weeks, and you know what? Fuck that, fuck her, I'm going to cut right here right now as I type this.

Just did, feels great. I think it was just styro, but really shallow though. What sucked is that I definitely could have done two cuts, since I can't really gauge how well the shitty bandages I've got will do, and you can't really tell how much a styro cut will bleed until you've waited a bit. I can't even enjoy watching myself bleed anymore. So sad. Makes me wanna kill myself a little bit more.

But then again I'm not feeling overwhelmingly suicidal. Just like I want to do it, but not today you know? Someday soon hopefully. I call it suicide but that isn't really it is it? Its mostly for dramatic effect. I don't want to die, I want to cut my wrists open for them to see and then for them to save me. I don't know what it is I want really, maybe I do want death, maybe I want attention. I want things to go my way with no negative consequences ever.

Today was the first day of semester 2. Whatever. School is whatever for me, because it just comes and goes for me, even if it dominates my life. I've become a bit more self conscious about myself, even if its just for a really stupid reason. So like I've heard a voice say "loser" around me like twice now, and like it might be directed at me? I don't know the source of the voice, and I don't quite know if it even is directed at me, but like occam's razor right? Like there's some part of me that hopes its just to their friend or whatever and its happened twice because of coincidence, but like on the other hand, what else? But like whatever, whatever, I don't know, its stupid. I might just be overthinking things. Maybe it isn't even the same person saying that.

I did some volunteering, I've already said my piece about it in a previous entry. I'm halfway done, 4 out of 8 times. I also emailed my form, it has 4 lines so it lines up well. Don't have much else to say, I guess I should be proud? I do kinda feel proud, but like whatever.

Being true to yourself is what I need. It's essentially what being trans is all about, you discover yourself and realize that you've just been lying. I developed this theory but it also already exists I think (idk I googled "three selves theory" and yeah I think thats it I couldn't be bothered to read the whole blurb) but like there's three versions of you. There's you, there's the you in your head, and there's the you you present yourself as to others. In the ideal world all 3 are aligned, but I don't think it could ever truly be aligned. Unless you're like some cishet normal guy and you're very shallow but also exactly what other people like. Then maybe you've got it nailed down. But like anyways I feel like most of the time the voice in my head is just lying to me. And I know I'm lying to myself but like my internal monologue still says that shit. idk. I've lied to myself and others about a lot of stuff. Some of the stuff I say even here is just kinda lies, like I don't quite really know if I'm onto shit or if I'll think about it later and even realize I was just lying. Because in the moment I feel like I'm being truthful, but like idk. Like I don't even know if me as me is a separate person from [DEADNAME]. Like sometimes I do sometimes I don't. (btw I don't actually care about my deadname all that much, I just kinda censored it for privacy reasons) (also it hardly really counts as a deadname does it? Its not like I have any other names, and its not really dead is it, everybody still uses it). But like at times I feel like we're two separate people, but at times I feel like its just one continuous thing. I'm not even really sure if I'm trans. I don't even know if I want to be a girl anymore, or if I'd just be comfortable as an effeminate man. I have this distinct image in my head of me a few months prior, where my hair was shorter and whatever, and I look a lot like just an effeminate boy, and like being kinda weird here it makes me kinda horny. I kinda want to look like that again? There's a bunch of reasonings on why I want to look like that again but like it all feels a bit fake. It just feels like I go back upon that image and it feels more me than any girl version of me I could picture.

But at the same time I want to be a girl, but like I feel like thats just lying to myself. Like I'm an egg but just for detransition? I feel so confused. I don't want to be a man, I don't want to be a boy either, and I want to be a girl, but it doesn't feel me. Or it does? Like maybe its just because I'm looking back with rose tinted glasses or whatever its called and it's just that I want to be a girl with kinda short hair? Being weird again I think the image of myself was from when I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself with my phone camera while I was fumbling around with my phone, and back then I got like super horny at the idea of fucking my clone. So like was it good back then? Was I at as "me" as I ever would be? But I remember having this elaborate fantasy of getting struck by magic, being cloned, and helping her transition and she would help me transition. So like I still wanted to be different than what I was? I'm sorry that that was kinda weird.

This diary isn't truly a diary. It's kind of a desperate vie for attention. For someone to read any part of this and reblog or comment or message me about how they pity me so so much and how I'm so valid and how etc etc etc. And I don't have an excuse. This is exactly what this is. I feel that if I say I'm sorry I'm being disingenuous, because I do feel bad, but I don't feel sorry.

I think there's some internal transphobia that I actively do, like saying how I'm not a real girl or saying that cis people are the normal people, and that's once again a vie for pity. But I feel like some of it is bleeding over into the real me. I don't know. Can someone tell me I'm a girl? Can someone tell me how despite it all I'm actually trans? I need it.

#diary entry #cw ed #cw sh #cw suicidal ideation

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