#i'm feeling super suicidal right now and i hate it i hate how i feel this way

[whitemochacoffee]

I hope my friends know i love them. I am such a hypocrite.

[starrclown]

I've see ALOT of LMK angst and I have nothing better to do (cause it's late at night) and I'm not working on my LMK apocalypse au right now sooo-

LMK ANGST HEADCANNONS

Triggerwarning for Violence, Blood, Suicidal thoughts, and other general upsetting topics.

(Feel free to leave yours below. Let's make these characters sad together!)

:D

Pigsy gets upset when people joke about Wukong being Mk's dad. It's insulting to him, the one that raises Mk since he was so little.

Wukong is someone that craves physically touch but also can't stand it. It stems from all the violence he's been apart of + the crown messed him up alot. He was SUPER uncomfortable with Mk touching him in the beginning. It has to be on his terms if you wanna touch him.

Macaque doesn't have a heart beat anymore.

Because of Macaque never coming back when Wukong needed him, Wukong had no trust that Macaque will come back if they have a argument. He assumes that Macaque is just gone and gets upset about it. Eventually Macaque comes back and realizes Wukong's upset but he doesn't bring it up cause he doesn't know how.

Redson doesn't really understand why his father doesn't seem to like him. He assumed that his dad would be overjoyed to see him again, not how he's acting now.

Mei had many breakdowns because of her grades and the pressure to be a spectacular student.

Pigsy got bullied alot in school for being a pig demon. It wasn't everyone, most people liked him, just a specific group of kids.

To add on to #7, Tang used to beat himself up over not being able to help Pigsy. He HATED seeing Pigsy getting bullied but he knew that if he tried to start a fight he would either get beat because he can't fight or get himself kicked out of school.

Mk gets nightmares of Wukong getting forced into the scroll. Sometimes he wonders what would of happened if Wukong never got out. He usually ends up crying.

The closest thing Sandy ever got to being violent is when one of his cats scared him and he accidently dropped Mo. He cried. Alot. (Mo was fine but he just hates his cats being hurt.)

Sandy still doesn't know Hunstman is dead. He just thinks that Huntsman was scared of him so he never came back. (Guess Hunstmans my favorite and he's dead and i hate it here god dammit.)

No one can say anything about Azure or Azure's death around Wukong because he will get upset. Macaque made a joke one time and Wukong lost his shit. He's still kinda shooken up about it.

Some of the baby monkies recognize Macaque as the one disguised as Wukong that ate the monkey and passed it around. Those monkies REFUSE to be around him. They get violent if they have to be around him.

Nezha wants to see Wukong, Redson, and the others more but his job is so demanding he barely gets to leave.

Wukong physically couldn't be around Tang for long periods of time when they first met. He got more comfortable with him over time but Tang reminded him to much of Tripitaka and he couldn't handle it.

Mei doesn't yell out of anger, like serious anger alot. When she finally yelled at Wukong because of the fire, all Wukong saw was Ao Lie screaming at him. (Stole that headcannon from a friend of mine. Thanks Ainnur you ruined my life.)

Mk brought up the fact that Wukong was willing to put the fire into himself and sacrifice himself, almost certainly killing himself in the process one time. Wukong kinda laughed and just said "Yeah, had to save the world bud. It's a shame Macaque messed up my plan, the world woulda been a little bit more peaceful if me AND Lady Bone Demon died." He wasn't even trying to admit suicidal feelings, he was just being honest. This scared the SHIT out of Mk because Wukong just admitted that he can and will kill himself if he feel he needs too.

Sandy often feels left out of the group and not as important but he doesn't wanna ruin everyone's fun so he stays quiet.

Bai he was ready to die when she was found by the Monkie Gang. She wasn't scared of death anymore.

Bai he was scared of Wukong when they first met face to face. Wukong apologized and explained himself. Over time she got a little more comfortable with him. She understands why he's apologizing but at that point she was so ready to die she didn't care who did it.

Redson wants to be around Sun Wukong again but he doesn't know how to start the relationship again. Same on Wukongs part but he's a bit more forward.

Macaque gets physical in fights fast. Partly cause his fights with Peng, Partly cause of his life before Wukong, Partly cause of Lady Bone Demon. If Macaque thinks a situation will get rough, he'll try to fight but if he thinks he'll lose he'll dip.

Princess Iron Fan unintentionally critiques Redsons's looks all the time. It messes with him alot so he's quite insecure.

Mei feels the need to always be upbeat and cheerful so Mk doesn't sink to far into depression. She can tell when he does this for her but she doesn't bring it up.

Pigsy's worst fear is that Mk won't come back home. The nightmares he's had of this is brutal.

I could make more but I'm sleeeeepppy. I'll make a part two one day though. Leave your own headcannons cause seeing other people break down these characters is so fun.

(How some people think Mk will be in season 5)

- ⭐️StarClown⭐️

[nukaberries]

Fallout companions react to sole telling that they don't want to even lose them and then breakingdown. I need all the angst!

God, me too. As much as I say I hate angst, I'm definitely a sucker for it! This idea, especially, is super exciting for me since I feel like the Fallout 4 companions have a lot of opportunity for angst (I play through Nick's personal quest just to cry at the ending) Anyways, I hope you enjoy this one and it was worth the wait!

//

Companions React to Sole Breaking Down - TW: Mentions of Addiction and Suicide

(Includes: Cait, Codsworth, Curie, Danse, Deacon, Hancock, MacCready, Nick, Piper, Preston and X6-88)

Cait She isn't really sure what brought this on. Cait knows she isn't great at keeping herself safe or even having much concern for her own wellbeing, but she hadn't realised that upset Sole so much. Was it the chems? Maybe how she often charges head first into battle. Whatever it is, she admittedly feels guilty, not realising Sole cared so much about her. She isn't the best at comforting people, but she tries her best to make Sole feel better and reassure them that she isn't going anywhere. It may result in some awkward shoulder pats, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Codsworth It's probably not the first time that Codsworth has seen Sole break down. After all, he was the first living being they ran into after escaping the horrors of Vault 111. Still, this particular breakdown takes him by surprise, he didn't know he mattered that much to Sole. He's probably the best at comforting Sole, considering he knows them so well. Later on, he'll likely bring up how touched he is to know that he's important to Sole and promises he'll stand by them.

Curie She's extremely apologetic when she realises Sole's breaking down, at first thinking she'd done something wrong, before they explain that they can't stand to lose her. She understands where Sole is coming from, they're the most important person in her life and she doesn't want to begin to think what things would be like without them. She apologises if she ever scared them and reassures them that she's much more formidable than she seems

Paladin Danse He immediately panics when Sole starts to break down. Being in the Brotherhood, he's never known how to deal with his own emotions, let alone the emotions of someone else. He'll try his best to comfort Sole, but he definitely won't succeed. If he's still in the Brotherhood and him and Sole aren't extremely close - or romantically involved - he'll only insist that, due to his training, he's confident nothing bad will happen to him. However, if they're closer, Danse will go out of his way to make sure Sole knows they won't ever lose them, he loves Sole and he'd keep surviving so long as it made them happy.

Deacon He has no idea how to react at first. Sure, he'd been travelling with Sole for a while now, but he figured it was just out of convenience, since he was showing them the ropes in the Railroad. He'd figured his lying would've annoyed them by now and yeah, they were close, but he didn't know he mattered this much to them. He wants to crack a joke, but even he knows it's bad timing. Instead - because he understands how devastating loss can be, and he knows what Sole's been through - he actually does his best to comfort them, which he's actually good at, much to both his and Sole's surprise.

Hancock Like Cait, he initially thinks it's down to his reckless behaviour when it comes to chems and almost immediately promises you that he knows not to overdo it and if chems were going to kill them, they would've by now. He assures Sole that so long as he has them by his side, there's no way he plans on dying early, even though life hasn't exactly been kind to him in the past. Sole gives him a reason to keep going and he'd rather not ruin that.

MacCready Similarly to Deacon, he understands - maybe better than anyone - just how hard losing the person you love can be. The death of Lucy still haunts him, in spite of how much he cares for Sole, so he feels terrible that they share concerns he once had to suffer the aftermath of. He promises them over and over that they'll never lose him, no matter what happens. He even goes the extra mile and makes sure to be careful when they're outside the walls of a settlement, just to give Sole some peace of mind.

Nick Valentine He's better at comforting Sole than most, he knows a lot about their past and how they ended up in the Commonwealth, widowed and searching for their child. Besides, he's used to dealing with people breaking down in front of him - albeit, it's a little different since Sole means a lot to him. He knows he and Sole have grown close, so he understands completely why they'd be worried about losing another loved one. Nick will jokingly point out that if he's survived this long with only a few - a lot of - bumps and scratches, they have nothing to worry about. If Sole brings up their concerns again, he'll be more than happy to reassure them further.

Piper Wright She understands that with her line of work, she's a lot more likely to meet an untimely demise, but who doesn't die young these days? She's surprised she's made it this far with the amount of attempts on her life. She can stand seeing Sole cry though and instantly wraps them in a hug, telling them that as long as she's got them by her side, she'll be fine. Piper trusts Sole completely to protect her, just as she'd protect them. It breaks her heart to see them so torn up though and she almost feels guilty, deciding she'll find a way to make it up to them soon, even if she hasn't necessarily done anything wrong.

Preston Garvey As someone who often struggles with seeing the meaning in his own life, Preston is completely taken aback by Sole's worry towards his wellbeing. He instantly feels terrible for having any thoughts about taking his own life and apologises profusely to Sole, insisting that nothing bad will ever happen to them. He hasn't had an easy time recently, but having Sole by his side has helped more than he could've ever imagined and if they care about him enough to want him to keep fighting, then he will, without question.

X6-88 To nobody's surprise, X6 doesn't really know what to say or do. He simply clarifies that coursers were designed to be near enough formidable, so the likelihood of anything happening to him is extremely low. He does show some genuine concern, by asking if Sole would benefit from speaking to someone professionally, it's not enough to comfort Sole, but he's trying his best.

[aihoshiino]

chapter 159 thoughts!

Chapters Since The 143 Kiss Happened And Went Entirely Unacknowledged And Unaddressed Count: 16

Aqua Hoshigan Status: White

Surprise! As predicted by literally everyone in the fandom, the stab was a fakeout! To the shock of perhaps three people, no, one of the titular Kos of Oshi No fame was not, in fact, dying in an unceremonious cliffhanger stabbing - the only real question was exactly what sort of fakeout it was going to be. I did see quite a few folks suggest 'Akane in a wig and a stabproof vest' even in jest so congrats on calling it! Admittedly this is kind of silly but I would take 'silly' over the character assassination massacre that last chapter's apparent twist would've been any day of the week.

I guess if anything about this reveal surprised me it's that Kana wasn't involved at all…? Unless this is a double fakeout and something's going to happen at her graduation (which is not impossible for reasons we'll get into). Whereas all the buildup for Ruby (seemingly) getting stabbed basically only came in the same chapter it happened in, we've been getting some pretty heavy handed hints that something might happen to Kana for over 60 chapters now if my mental math is right - her parallels to not just Ai and Yura (i.e, our two on-screen victims), language associating her with the "type" we see targeted and that huge "Kana Arima will always protect Ruby Hoshino" red flag dropped by Gotanda, among other things. Kana is also the character who has the most actual direct parallels with Ai, where Ruby is defined mostly in how she differs from Ai… Or at least she does when the story makes sense lol. But I guess we'll see.

Either way, I personally have mixed feelings on Akane's involvement here, in this moment. On the one hand, I like what it represents about Aqua's development - the reason he and Akane broke up was over her 'endangering herself' but really it was because of Aqua's mortal terror over the people he loves being hurt in association with him. Letting Akane get involved here is an expression of growth and trust on his part and I do like that.

On the other… this is super Akane just being treated like a convenient device for the plot, as has happened to her before. It really feels like Akasaka has realized he made her way too competent as a character so he only busts her out to use as a blunt force tool to patch up his story. Hate that shit! Akane deserves better.

THAT SAID… Ichigo's involvement here is something I do straightforwardly like even if the execution isn't perfect. Now we're past the fakeout, I can say that my worst case scenario for The Stabbening was the "Aqua uses his 1337 surg30n ski11z to save the stabbing victim and make up for not saving Ai" because people have been predicting that Literally since volume 2 and I'm gonna be real with you, I've fucking hated it no matter the configuration of characters or events involved lol. It would, even if only subtextually, frame Aqua's self-loathing and suicidal ideation in relation to the incident as justified and that he somehow needs to 'redeem' himself for his failure of not stopping a grown man with a knife from stabbing his mother to death when he was literally four years old.

Ichigo, by contrast, actually is at least partially responsible for Ai's death. He is a literal agent of the system that abused and exploited her, he failed to support her properly as both her manager and her father and it's ultimately his commodification of Ai and B-Komachi as a whole that created the kind of fan attitude that gives birth to a person like Ryosuke. He's the person who actually needs to make up for failing Ai, so having him literally reenact that failing and getting able to do it right this time for the purposes of protecting Ai's beloved children is a direction for his character that I really like.

^_^ However! I do not feel anywhere near as positively about this retcon to Ryosuke and Nino's characters!!!!

like. come on, man. do i even need to explain why this is bad. even outside of how utterly transparent a retcon this is, these kinds of 'everyone is connected!!!' surprise twists are really not suited to a story like Oshi no Ko. They make the world of the story feel much smaller

In addition… it really feels like lately, Akasaka has this problem where he tries to make things more dramatic and complex by adding twists and reveals about Secret Additional Context like this to a character's behaviour but ends up just flattening them by way of making them more cartoonish as a result. Ironically, Nino and Ryosuke are both victims of this with this new retconned in connection and it cheapens not only their own arcs but their relationships with Ai (and how her own arc is informed by her relationship with them in turn) as a result. It's a cascade failure that wrenches everything else down along with it.

The other big reason this retcon frustrates me as much as it does is not just because it entirely shatters the logic of Ryosuke as a character but because one additional picrosecond of thought put into his could not only have prevented it, but even added to the story in some really meaningful and interesting ways. As other people are surely going to point out, this is an insane level of hypocrisy, so - lean into it! Make that hypocrisy explicit and textual!

Parasociality is already inherently illogical and the types of misogynistic hostile masculinity Ryosuke expresses towards Ai are already internally contradictory ideologies. Idol fan culture, too, is built on hypocrisy, especially in a gachikoi group like gen 1 B-Komachi. The girls are expected to roleplay as being romantically (and implicitly, sexually) available to their fans while also being pure and virginal to the point of farce. None of this shit makes sense! So leaning into that by explicitly acknowledging Ryosuke as a hypocrite and acknowledging these contradictory expectations could only have done the story well.

As it stands, this retcon just doesn't work. Like, look at the Ryosuke we see in those flashbacks - happy, healthy and functional enough to be close to at least two B-Komachi members. Are we really expected to believe that Ai rizzed him so hard she mindbroke him into being a Phantom of the Opera tier basement dwelling incel? Or are we supposed to believe Ryosuke was Like That simultaneously with him dating Nino? Literally no direction you come at this from makes any sense whatsoever lol

Ichigo supposedly knowing about them dating at the time also raises approximately one hundred billion questions. Primarily: DID NO ONE THINK TO TELL THE COPS AT THE TIME??? The guy who brutally murdered Ai in her own home just happened to be banging one of her coworkers who was known to have a bad relationship with her and this just… never came up?? Even though the news report on the incident explicitly says the police were investigating the possibility of an accomplice being involved?? AGAIN, NO MATTER HOW YOU APPROACH THIS TWIST IT JUST DOESN'T WORK…

I will say. For all my complaints, that final exchange between Akane and Nino, about how badly Ai and Nino ultimately just wanted to be regular friends… that really hit. It felt like a little flash of the messed up but deeply, achingly human Nino from 45510 I'd been missing so much every since she was turned into this weird caricature of herself. I'm still incredibly dissatisfied with the majority of her handling after the Movie Arc but if this is the note she gets to go out on, I'll take that W.

Concert time! Congrats to AkaMengo for creating a concert scene that annoyed me even more than the last one!

This is the sort of thing I mean when I talk about the ways in which the narrative has excessively favoured Ruby makes her come off as excessively self-centered in a way that is clearly not intentional. Not only does the story frame her as seemingly taking over the concert but she's also portrayed as the center every time she's on panel - even though that's Kana's position, that she only took in the first place because Ruby pressured her into it. This isn't something that happens by accident - in-universe, this can only have happened because the Strawberry Productions staff pushed Ruby into the center AT KANA'S GRADUATION CONCERT and instead of saying "hey, this is KANA'S GRADUATION CONCERT maybe she should be center", Ruby just went along with it. This is not my girl!!! This is not the Ruby of the First Concert arc!!!

No wonder there are in-universe fans getting pissed off. B-Komachi isn't even real and I'm getting pissed off. Like, can you imagine going to your favourite idol's graduation and her nepo baby coworker who's already constantly upstaging her is hogging the spotlight at her last ever idol performance? I would be physically incapable of not starting to throw rocks.

To make matters worse, the story is continuing to try and push what it flopped out last chapter of Ruby supposedly surpassing Ai as an idol. Like I said last chapter, I didn't buy it then and I extra don't buy it now!

Not only is the story still failing to do the work necessary to believably sell this, but the only way it seems to be able to try is to lean so heavily on Ai associated imagery that the whole thing is at risk of buckling under the weight - the double hoshigans, her outfit and even her popping Ai's iconic volume 1 pose. Not only does this feel generally unearned, it also falls flat as a moment where Ruby is supposed to be strutting her stuff as an idol because she is literally, explicitly, just imitating her mom.

Like… Remember when Aqua and Ruby had that big moment of Aqua telling Ruby not to try and be like Ai anymore and to get out of her shadow? Remember when Ruby and Kana had that heart to heart where Ruby said she'd be a star in her own way and she wouldn't be like Ai? How does that remotely cohere with the story relying so heavily on these callbacks? How am I supposed to believe Ruby has surpassed Ai and is shining in her own way when the seemingly only measure of success in this regard is how much she resembles Ai in the process of doing so?

Ruby has been catching strays left and right pretty much the entire time I've been doing these chapter reviews so let me be clear: I think this sucks because I think this sucks for Ruby. It completely undermines everything the story has previously set up regarding Ruby finding her own way of being an idol and it also cheapens the relationship she previously had with Ai's memory. Instead of the love and reverence she once had for her mother's legacy and efforts, now it feels like Ai has been used as a stepping stone to prop up Ruby's success story. The narrative is fighting for its fucking life to sell us on the idea that Ruby has surpassed Ai, but the execution is so ham-fisted that it ends up doing the opposite. By relying so heavily the imagery of Ai's radiance and her idolhood, it’s clear that the story doesn’t trust Ruby to stand on her own merits.

Like… fuck, man. Maybe this is a lot to read into four splash pages with no dialogue and maybe there's more to come from this concert - Kamiki is watching a live broadcast, after all, so the show is still ongoing. Maybe there'll be something in the concert to come that resolves some of my frustrations here. But this is all so consistent with the way the story has framed B-Komachi for almost 100 chapters now that it's hard for me to imagine it even recognizing that this is an issue, let alone taking the steps necessary to fix it.

And speaking of Hikaru………. man, what even is there to say about that ending lol

Much like last chapter, anything I could say about it necessarily relies on context and info we don't have yet. This is such an obviously deliberately provocative cliffhanger like last chapters that I don't see the point in trying to speculate too much about what it could all mean when Aka has historically gone hard on fakeouts. All I'll say is that like with last chapter's apparent twist, if the story is straightforwardly going to follow through on what is being presented right now with no additional twist, it will be much worse off for it.

At leas we'll find out next week whether or not that's the case. I ain't gonna lie I fully expected us to be on break again…

[toxictoad]

In furtherance of my agenda to make Tavs that are sorta cringe but that I love...

Wouldn't it be fucked up if Tav was Gale and Mystra's kid but he never knew about them until they both get tadpoled. Like wouldn't that provide so much potential for angst

(Obscenely long rant about my take on this under the cut, as I tend to do. Also trigger warnings for SA adjacent topics, grooming, brief pregnancy mention, parental neglect, and suicidal thoughts (Of the 'I wish I didn't exist' variety). I'll tag things accordingly)

As a member of the "Fuck Mystra" brigade (As we all are) she's gonna suck as a mother and a lover and all, HOWEVER, for the purposes of this post, I'm making Tav 19, because that's young enough to make a certain amount of sense (Forgotten Realms lore being put to the side for a moment) and making Gale 37, because even if you subscribe to the idea that Mystra was a nonce I don't feel like going there right now. Okay? Okay.

That being said; Mystra only wants a kid for like shits and giggles. Kids are inconsequential to a goddess and she doesn't tell Gale because who fucking knows. Maybe she thought if he had someone other than her to care about he would realize she sucked or something.

So Gale just never learns that he has a whole ass child out there for whatever reason.

With the math Tav (I named him Cosmos because I can do whatever I want) is born when Gale is at least 18, and deities are weird so I imagine that pregnancy is either not like a noticeable physical thing or it's accelerated or there's just something ephemeral about it, so it's not like Mystra is gone or actually physically pregnant or anything.

I think it would be funny if she just gave the baby to Elminster and was like "Hey I'm your goddess so you have to raise my kid also don't tell Gale bye" Because like... He's fucking Elminster. He's an immortal archmage and one of the most powerful people in the Forgotten Realms, and now he has to take care of a baby?! He doesn't know how to do that! He doesn't know what babies need! And what is he gonna do when this thing gets older?!

(Yes I know that Elminster has canonical children but as far as I can tell he didn't raise any of them so it tracks probably)

So Cosmos is raised by Elminster and grows up in a hazardous wizard tower and gets taken on perilous adventures in one of those baby slings because I think it's funny. Also, I think that Cosmos is a sorcerer and it lowkey pisses off all of his weird fucking parents. Cause he's an Aasimar. A child of a goddess. His blood is hella magical and he has an ego about not having to learn spells and shit. He has Gale's disposition but also he has actual charisma to back it up and it's a terrible (Read; Funny as hell) combination.

The result of Cosmos having actual charisma, confidence (Highkey arrogance), and skill is that he is... Well, he's a lush. Not in any practical sense because he is a teenager and lives with a bajillion-year-old man, but like... He's the guy from your high school who was nice enough but also he had a new girlfriend every week and does a little too much partying. He's a playboy and we support him in that endeavor. It really is a miracle that he isn't super obviously weird because he was raised by a cooky old wizard, never knew about his father (I think when he asked Elminster would just tell him he didn't know, because he does care about the kid and doesn't want to burden him with the knowledge), and got a visit from Mystra like... twice. She's literally your dad who texts you every six months and doesn't remember your birthday (I hate her so much).

But somehow he's kinda well-adjusted, and he moves out of Elminster's tower to go do sorcerer things and maybe go on adventures, who knows?

And then he gets fucking tadpoled.

And at first, it's like "Okay, I'm definitely adventuring now. Maybe it wasn't planned but I'm gonna be alright" and then he meets a wizard who was stuck in a rock and is obviously a devotee of Mystra, and he's like "Oh, okay. He could be cool to have around. The dynamic is a little weird but fuck it we ball" and then the wizard is like "Hey I need to eat magic or I'll explode can't tell u why tho" and that's a little sketchy, but he likes the guy and doesn't want him to die, so he gives him his magic shoes.

And things go... Well. He gets the hang of this whole adventuring thing and saving people is pretty cool, actually. And he does kind of indulge in the wizard/sorcerer rivalry because he thinks it's funny, but ultimately he just... likes these people, even if they're all kinda keeping secrets (Him included, because how in the hells is he supposed to unload all of that Mystra baggage to his new tadpole buddies?)

He's the youngest but Lae'zel and Wyll are close enough in age that they get kind of clique-y (I'm a Wyll simp so they're gonna end up married sue me)

And then the tiefling party happens, and he talks to Gale... and oh my god this is so awkward I do not wanna hear you talk about my estranged goddess mom. And like he indulges Gale in his magic trick but the whole thing sets off some warning signs that he's like... HM.

And he isn't sure yet, but he thinks that, maybe, Gale might be his father.

And that is just... Ah. That is both kind of cool and also makes him a little sick.

Because he doesn't know everything, but he does know that Mystra is maybe not the best when it comes to mortal men. And he might've been born out of some stuff that was ethically dubious at best.

So he has the brilliant and not at all stupid plan to never tell anyone ever.

And he tries his absolute hardest to not talk to Gale at all the entire time they're going through the Underdark (The order of the adventure is optimized for maximum drama). Everyone notices but he just... pretends that absolutely nothing is wrong and Gale eventually comes up to apologize like 'Hey man sorry if I was like too much :(' because he's a sweetie and will feel bad about things that are not his fault. And Cosmos tries to say that it isn't about that but it also kind of is, so he just accepts the apology and goes back to being a bit of a dickhead.

And the party is getting ROCKY by the time they get through the Underdark. Everyone knows some shit is up but they also all have their own issues so it's a mess. A hot goddamn mess.

...And then they go through the Mountain Pass... And Elminster is there...

And Cosmos sees him and wants to turn around SO badly but that would be weird and then Elminster sees him...

I cannot paraphrase this accurately to my vision so have a snippet of writing here;

*****

He feels like he might anxiety vomit, but hopefully, it doesn’t show on his face. Gale walks a little faster and waves, “Elminster. Fancy running into you here”

And he doesn’t look very surprised to see the younger wizard, but he does look surprised to see Cosmos. He prays to every deity he can think of that Elminster says nothing.

But who the fuck listens to prayers anyways.

“Gale, my boy… I have some, um, business to attend to with you, but…”

He turns his eyes onto Cosmos and he knows that his face goes white right then.

“How did this-?”

“I haven’t said it yet” He blurts out, swallowing bile, “And you aren’t going to”

Elminster blinks in surprise, glancing between him and Gale for a moment.

“What- You know Elminster?” Gale looks incredulous, and he wants to snark back with some taunt about wizards and sorcerers and useless teachers but he just bites his tongue and nods. He is… so fucked.

He and Elminster are locked in some bizarre staring contest, and Cosmos communicates as much as he can with his eyes that he will try to punch an old man. They say nothing, and Gale is growing increasingly exasperated, “I’m sorry, can someone please explain what’s going on? What have you not said?”

He looks at Cosmos with sad eyes- the same way he’s looked since the Tiefling Party. He can see it out of the corner of his eyes, but he doesn’t acknowledge the words. Cosmos grits his teeth and feels his breath catch in his throat.

“Camp. Now”

He is… so fucked.

*****

And then the big reveal happens and Cosmos is emotionally stunted and maybe has a panic attack or something and runs away for an hour and Gale finds him and tries his best to be an awkward dad. It works, somehow.

And then Cosmos finds out why Elminster was there, and...

Well in short he decides that he's going to punch his mother in the face. Divinity be dammed. It's an incredibly awkward situation at best, but fuck, man. He actually likes Gale- his dad- whoever you are- and immediately jumps on the 'Fuck Mystra' Train. He just got this parental figure and you want him to blow himself up? Yeah, no. Not happening. He has no mother anymore.

(Sidenote; I think that concurrently with all of Cosmos' shit Astarion and Gale would have a thing. This is mostly irrelevant but at some point, Cosmos is like 'Bloodline ended with Mystra. Astarion is my mom now' because it would be funny. Astarion can't take care of a child but he CAN be a weird step-dad to an adult child and give advice about how to get blood out of cotton shirts)

And Gale reacts... more or less like he does in canon, but it's a little different because like... Shit, this is his child. His child who... doesn't want him to blow up. He's devoted to Mystra, but I think an inkling of doubt would emerge with that. It's a little strange, finding out that your companion who you thought was just uncomfortable around you is actually your son with your ex-gf/goddess who is now righteously angry on your behalf. It feels... kinda nice, in a weird way.

I think Cosmos has enough charisma that he can make things sort of not awkward. He just makes jokes about Gale being his dad and everyone is just like 'Well I guess this is how things are now?'

Gale doesn't know how to be a parent, much less to an adult child who also has Mystra baggage, but fuck it if he doesn't try. Awkward conversations about love interests ensue (I like to imagine Gale trying his hardest to give Wyll a shovel talk but it ends up as just him and Wyll having a nice chat. He's trying to be intimidating, dammit!)

I do think Gale would have an 'Oh shit' moment at some point in the Shadow-Cursed lands. If Cosmos gets too low on health, or gods forbid if he has to be revived? Maximum angst potential there. Maybe it makes him start to realize how valuable his life is or something who knows.

Cosmos yells at his dad for even considering blowing himself up at Moonrise Towers (He says sorry later, but still)

A lot of Act 3 is getting through awkward conversations tbh. But it's good for them. But Gale's confrontation with Mystra... Oh boy.

Like Cosmos obviously doesn't approve of the whole crown of Karsus thing, but more importantly; he will scream at Mystra for as long as Gale will let him. Some very choice words are thrown around. But also (And this is where we get some of my own indulgence in angst) I think during this... very amicable conversation between adults... Cosmos would end up saying something akin to 'I wish I was never born' and... Oof. I don't think he would realize it at first, and Mystra wouldn't really care, but it sticks with Gale.

Like the man just kind of realized that his life means something other than benefitting other people, and now he hears that? Heartbreak. Immediate heartbreak. He doesn't know how to broach the subject and just ends up standing around Cosmos' tent until he finally asks what's up.

Cue Gale blurting out that he's glad Cosmos exists and that he wouldn't change any of the bs with Mystra because even if it's new and awkward he's his son and that means something and he doesn't want him to think about his own life the way Gale did and-

Cosmos... genuinely does not know what he's talking about at first, but when he gets it he's just like... Oh, that? Yeah no I just wish I didn't exist because I hate the way that I was made and it feels like my existence hurts you lmao

I think that Cosmos legitimately does not realize that most people don't feel that way sometimes. Like he knows, but he doesn't really internalize that there's something "wrong" with the way he feels

And... Okay why is Gale crying what did he say oh shit-

He had to hammer it into Gale's head that he's deserving of life and love, and now it's Cosmos' turn! Get loved, idiot

(I have so many feelings about so many other bits of Act 3 but this is SO long now so I'm just gonna skip to the epilogue or I'm never going to post this because I just keep adding things)

So Bloodweave happens, because tbh I don't see Gale with any of the other companions in this scenario (Spawn Astarion, obvi) and... look, I LOVE Karlach and I love Wyll's Blade of Avernus ending, but I just want them to be a weird fucked up little family, okay? Karlach got a Deus Ex Machina and her heart is fine for some reason in this case idk.

I just really like the idea of Wyll and Cosmos adventuring around the Sword Coast and occasionally popping into Gale's tower in Waterdeep to visit. The dynamic between Gale, his morally grey Vampire boyfriend, his dumb magic son, and his dumb magic son's hero husband who is also his friend is just... Mwah. Chef's kiss. Weird gay family over here I love them. Wyll's father is so confused. Christmas dinner is insane. Morena Dekarios is thrilled to have a grandchild. Tara is basically Cosmos' aunt. Withers is there sometimes. It's pure chaos and I can't get enough of it.

[limeade-l3sbian]

Sorry, this is probably a heavy thing to put on, feel free to delete if this is too much for you to handle, I promise it won't upset me. I'm really considering suicide. I have a lot going on in my personal life and now that my eyes have been opened to how much the world hates women I find it difficult to cope. I truly don't know how to navigate the world knowing half the population wants to cut me up, use my reproductive organs, rape me, kill me, slather me in makeup, mutilate me, beat me, degrade and humiliate me just for being female. I can't trust or make friends anymore. I feel hopeless. Idk what I expect you to say, I just need to get this out and know that at least one person sees it and understands.

I don't know how helpful this will be, but I hope you know that I've been feeling the same way as well. It's part of why I haven't really been super active lately. I've been going through it as well, so I at the very least, hope you don't think you're alone.

This is a very shitty world and we are in this strange limbo right now of things either staying shit or getting shittier. And it's important to me that I don't give you advice that wouldn't personally help me. I think the best advice I can give you is this:

You're not going crazy. This hopelessness you feel is happening in record numbers. And your feelings about all this are completely valid. I hate that they're valid. I wish I could tell you, "But why do you think that's what's happening?" I wish i could be indignant and suggest that perhaps you were just looking too deeply into nothing. But you're not, and that's the biggest curse in being aware of the world around you.

I don't have the perfect answer for you. I wish I could write three paragraphs worth of inspiration and you hit me up two minutes later and tell me that after reading all that, now you want to conquer the world and nothing was going to stand in your way. I don't even have the perfect answer for myself.

I guess the best answer I can give you is that if you left, the world would just be a little more shittier. It would have just a little less sparkle to it that it is already sparse on. Someone's life (including mine, now that I know you exist), will dim in its quality if you were to do it. That hope that everyone grabs onto will lose just a little more grip without you. The world itself would shift in a way that isn't perceivably to you or me.

And that's not to say that you would be selfish to do it. An argument that I absolutely hate. But life would just go from 480p to 360p.

You should stay because what you are contemplating is going to come anyway. I have a post somewhere on here where i talk about how if you are suicidal, the best way to go about doing it is to live. Go out and live more than you ever have. That's when most people die. When they are out living and something out of their control happens. I would rather you die while ziplining with friends than crying and alone in a bathroom.

This sounds harsh, but I would rather all of this than give you some bullshit, "Oh, it's okay, sweetie. Have you talked to anyone? What about therapy? Did you do breathing exercises?"

You should go out and live, anon. And that doesn't even mean spend money. A full life isn't inevitable, but death is.

[sasukeuzumaki-uchiha]

Omega Giyuu x Alpha fem reader

"A female Alpha?!"

Masterlist

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

I wrote this the same day as the part 1

Started writing this the 10/10/2023

Finished the 10/11/2023

TW: Rape, force pregnancy, a stupid man is in this chapter find him and i will give you a heart emoji, alpha x alpha, Shinobu x Tengen, Sanemi x Gyomei, suicidal thoughts, illegal age gap (17 x 30)

If you are sensitive to any of the trigger warnings you can skip the chapter and if you want to talk about it with me I'm ok to talk about it (Just remember that I can't help you get better, But I'm here so you can let it all go)

Just remember that you are not alone, their is numbers to help you

_________________________________________

Reader POV:

I'm close to get him!!!

You can do it!!

"GIYUU!!! Where are you going?!!!" I see him entering a house, is it his or someone he knew?

"GIYUU COME OUT, NO NEED TO BE SCARED!!!" I keep following him

I'm are such an idiot, i can't even follow an omega...

I cry in the snow

I'm such an idiot...

Why wasn't i able to get him to stay with me...

_________________________________________

Giyuu POV:

"SANEMI!!! I saw a beautiful woman but i don't know what to do?!" I ask my best friend Sanemi, he is a bit mean with people that are hurting me or his husband or his pups but in general he is nice

"What? Aren't you an omega?" He looked at me

"I know but i don't know what to do!!!" I feel like I'm about to cry

I finally let it all out

I feel Sanemi's arms around me

I'm finally safe...

For now at least...

_________________________________________

Sanemi POV

I feel him purring on me

So cute

No i can't have a crush on him... What will happen in Gyomei finds out... He will ask for a divorce its obvious...

I can't betray my own husband...

Well it's been a while since he fucked me but it's not a reason to cheat...

The only thing I can do is to let him be clingy and then pushing him off

_________________________________________

??? POV:

"Ara ara Shinaguzawa-san... Is Tomioka-san still clingy?" i rub my pregnant belly (Thank you Tengen...)

"It's not the first time Kocho... Oh i forgot, how is the baby in there?" He look at my belly

"I'm fine, but call me Shinobu... And why are you still calling me by my maiden name?" I keep rubbing my belly

"It's just in case, knowing Uzui he will replace you easily... All the omegas are in love with him" He look at me weirdly

"I know my husband very well... He said he loves me and our future baby!"

"He says that all the time and look, he left all his pregnant omegas boys like girls... He has no pity for anyone except himself"

I start crying and throw myself into Sanemi's arms next to Giyuu

_________________________________________

Reader POV:

That's it...

He hate me for sure...

It makes me remember my ex

(Flashback 3 years before)

"YOU DAMN SLUT!!! SUCK MY COCK!!!" He was screaming at me to suck him...

"Y-yes sir..." i start to suck his cock... It's wasn't the worst thing he ever did to me...

For a while he was super nice but one day he snapped and I'll pay the consequences

"Who knew that an alpha could fuck another alpha huh slut?!" He keep hitting my throat with his cock

"I'm sure i can impregnate you with a thousands of pups, your pussy will like it!"

I was trying so hard to not throw up...

It was ever since my 17th birthday that he started to rape me...

I wasn't allowed to push him away or I'd be sexually tortured

(20 minutes later)

I could feel him ejaculating in my belly, it was too late. I'm sure I'm pregnant, anyway this is the third time he's ejaculated in my belly...

"YOU BETTER BE PREGNANT BITCH!!!"

I nod sadly, anyway it's my fault for putting the knife in my heart I wouldn't have been raped if I did it before...

(Fast-forward 10 months later)

I love them so much but they remind me so much if their dad...

The same black curly hair

The same ruby eyes

I'm so sorry my babies but i should have been more confident, you wouldn't be suffering right now...

"I'm sorry..." i say crying while holding the 5 pups in my arms

(Fast-forward 2 ½ years later)

"Mommy!! Why are we getting away from daddy?" my oldest Tamayo ask curious

"Mommy is taking you and your siblings on a trip" i smile not telling her the truth

_________________________________________

Giyuu POV:

I can't stop feeling about her...

It's a weird feeling

I never felt it before

It's new to me...

Is it love?

Am I finally getting a girlfriend just like Obanai with Mitsuri?

I open my eyes hearing the door opening, i see Obanai in a panicking

"MITSURI IS IN LABOR!!!" Obanai scream, i see behind him a panicked Mitsuri

_________________________________________

Reader POV:

Who are they?

What are they doing here?

DID HE SAID THAT THE LADY WAS IN LABOR?!!!!

"Miss are you okay?" I get up and approach the woman

"Do i look like I'm okay?!" She said turning towards me. She seem a little bit irritated

_________________________________________

I'm so tired...

Sorry for the short chapter it's literally 12.30am and i'm still awake LOL!

Don't forget to give me comments (Only if you want)

See you all in part three

[dadrielle]

Ok I've talked with enough people individually about this I should just make a post, SO: here is why I think Imogen Temult has ADHD*

Emotional dysregulation. When she tends to express her emotions instead of tamping them down, they are very often strong bursts, sometimes super anxious or upset, sometimes angry and vicious. This is often also at odds with her actions, which are much more measured (see for instance her saying of her dad she should "Drag him over to me, and open up his mind without even his-" versus how she actually acted with him). She also has difficulty pulling away from the emotion.

She tends to need to talk her thoughts out to fully understand where she's at and what she thinks. The best illustration of this is her conversation with Laudna in episode 49, where she comes to her decision as to how she feels about what her mother is showing her via talking her way through it.

Relatedly, her trains of thought that will completely flip midway through, the first instance of course being the very first episode, when she flips from deadpanning about Laudna thinking the kids could get them into the conservatory to actually considering it practically midword. She and Laudna will get into the weeds together going a little bit off the wall in their WHAT IF-ing and interrupting each other without needing to complete the full thoughts.

She often will get trapped in indecision and then make an impulse decision when time constraints demand it. ("WE'RE FUCKING.")

She is often a bit checked out of conversations until called upon, which I think could be both a symptom of the headaches she gets from the press of thoughts, and also possibly a symptom of ADHD.

She's kinda shit at lying when she's in a situation as genuinely herself and trying to spare someone's feelings or comfort them (pretending she and Laudna were still fighting for FCG, "Potatoes are my favorite food," every "I'm fine" ever uttered), but she's scary good at lying when it's more of a performance. Reads to me like it could be a skill gained through learning to mask.

We know she was bullied a bit as child by the Tildamere kids, which was pre-powers. While of course there are many many reasons kids might be bullied, it is worth noting kids with ADHD are often the target of bullying or may self-isolate.

Anxiety tends to be comorbid with ADHD, and it's very much a chicken-or-the-egg kind of situation. Imogen is obviously anxiety bitch supreme.

She didn't leave Gelvaan until Laudna came along. We know she was feeling suicidal at that point. Now, obviously there are a lot of reasons someone would stay in a place they hate and that hates them, but it seems plausible (and very familiar) to me that time blindness and executive dysfunction could play a part in that. Leaving without the kick of "oh we have to go right now" might have been one of those things that required too much plan/conceptualizing the future to seem like an option. Something she didn't realize she could just do.

Dogshit perception. lol. lmao.

*besides just that I'm projecting hard, also she and Laudna are AuDHD 4 AuDHD thank u for coming to my ted talk

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

Another quick rection from me, this time for the 390 bnha leaks!!!!!! :

Iida and Shoto's friendship is everything to me. They have now helped each other reach beyong their family darkest times and have given the absolute most for each other. I love them soo much!!

This justice and happiness for so many meta writers that have been telling the fandom it'd be like this. I salute those writers, wishing them an amazing time on their "I told you so".

I'm so glad Horikoshi made Enji acknowledge verbally and explicitly all the mistakes he has committed against his family and made him apologize to every one of them individually. He mistreated his family in many different ways but they all deserved closure. The ones following me for a while know that I'm not an Endeavor fan, but I appreciate what he brings to the narrative sometimes.

While I'm pleased that Enji is finally accepting his responsibility inthe fallout of his family,it scares me a little because I know the fandom would start fighting about wether Rei and his kids should forgive him immediately or not. It's gonna be different from each Todoroki, so stop for a second and ask yourself if in those situations, the victims should be pressured to do one thing or the other. If Fuyumi forgives Enji immediately but Touya never does, it is okay for both of them. Whatever makes them happy and helps them through their trauma, as long as it is not self-destructive or risks other people's lives.

I KNOW IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE FUNNY but Dabi saying that he should be dead —they all should be dead really— hurt a lot, but then I read Natsuo telling him “well that's gonna be a problem because you're gonna live bro” was so sibling behavior of them. Touya is suicidal and finds it easier for things to be over now, he hadn't planned for this to go this far, you know? And that's exactly why Natsuo asks what does he plan to do next.

I haven't read the translation yet, but if they really phrased it as "hellish life" (Natsuo says that's what awaits Dabi, after seeing the ice on his chest) is gonna be an immense irony but amazing writing. Dabi told Enji to come dance with him in hell, but isn't life hell on its own way sometimes? I love when a character that planned to die lives, because it defies the narrative and questions the character while giving room to so many opportunities.

SHOUTO FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING HOW COMPLEX TOUYA'S ORIGIN IS. It's nothing you can solve with mere words, nothing you can solve with a conversation. This is a huge win in this manga, contrasting the shonen trope of things being solved through words or the speech of the protagonist.

People better give Rei all the recognition she deserves or I'm gonna start punching them.

Touya saying they all should be dead and that he hates them all and Enji asking for him to tell him how he feels— this is how things get solved. It's a callback not only to Enji, but to many other conflicts were pro-heroes and other adults should have listened to victims, villains or their own kids to understand what was wrong, but decided to tackle the issue without even caring to have a grasp on it. Right now, Enji wants to start from where Dabi is, not from where he wish he should be. He's not arguing against Touya's feelings or going against them or anything. He is willing to communicate and listen to him, he is being open and vulnerable and direct and that's exactly how it should be. Super funny coming from me, but this was an Enjj win.

BUT I'M IN SHAMBLES FOR TOGA. I AM KICKING SCREAMING SCRATCHING THE WALLS OF MY ROOOOOOM.

If there is a testament of how much they (the members of the League of Villains) care for each other, it's that Toga can't see Dabi's fire anymore and immediately wishes he found a way to smile, exactly like he said she should. She's having a whole breakdown over how much she knows she love Tomura and Dabi and why her quirk won't work from them, but even with tears in her eyes, she's wondering if Dabi is happy now, if he was able to reach his goal. Horikoshi please, you need to gives us all a panel of Touya and Toga smiling together after the battle, okay? They deserve it.

OCHAKO IS SO CLOSE TO HER RIGHT NOW as she's being held down by multiple Twice clones. I'm so excited to see the resolution of their fight!!! It feels perfect that Ochako gave that speech about wanting to see the people she love and people in general smile and now Toga is just thinking about that with Touya. Narratively speaking, I enjoy so much how these girls are connected to each other. Now that Shouto reached his brother and was able to stop him with help from his family, it's time for Toga and Ochako, then Deku and Tomura.

I'm satisfied and happy, being honest. There's still some road left ahead, but I'm liking what I'm seeing at the moment. This must be one of my favorites chapters so far!!!!

[imperator-titus]

Ghost from the Past [Part 9]

The Gang finally figures out what Eletha's problem is.

Had this one written out for a while. Features a lot of my triggers because I'm fucking insane. Sometimes you just wanna punish yourself, right? That's normal?

CW: General Mental Illness issues, Mentions of past abuse and suicidal ideation, Also the Super Secret Weird Trigger

(Prev)[Part 8] (Next)[Part 10] [Master Post]

No one saw Eletha leave her tent for two days while they braved the shadow curse and all its challenges. Astarion would’ve stayed upset about this if he wasn’t excited about Raphael’s offer of help. Gale told him that they should wait and see before making any deals with devils and now Astarion was giving him the cold shoulder.

Worried and sick of the mood in camp, Gale convinced Bonnet to let him into her mistress’s tent. There he found her in a curious state: not quite elven trance, but not quite conscious either. Tentatively, he shook her shoulder, but she didn’t rouse. Clenched in her hand was a tattered scrap of cloth, perhaps a remnant of some once-fine robe or doublet.

“Pardon me,” he whispered as he decided his next course of action. Reaching out with both magic and the tadpole, he murmured softly, “Do let me know if I’m intruding.”

Something connected and his mind was transported to someplace else. The ground was just a shade different from the sky, creating a sense of boundless emptiness. Here he found Eletha sitting on the edge of- Well, it was a rather large hole with no discernable sides or bottom, just complete darkness.

“I’m sorry. I don’t have any tea or cake,” she told him listlessly, eyes not leaving the hole. Her skin was covered in scratches and her clothes were torn. “Poor reception for a friend. Wizard friend.”

“May I… sit?” Gale asked hesitantly, peering into the hole only to be met with nothing. Eletha nodded and he sat down beside her. “Is this what troubles you?”

“Mm. I’m losing it, aren’t I? Out there.” She didn’t wait for his answer. It was rather obvious that if he was here, he felt that she was in danger. In a haunting sing-song voice she went on, “Down, down, down. Spiraling down. Cracked like an egg, to hatch or to eat? The dry leaves sound lovely, under our feet.”

Well that’s concerning, Gale thought to himself. “What is in the hole?”

“Something old. Something bad. Lorelai.”

“Ah, your childhood name, yes?”

“Bad, evil, mean old Lorelai,” she said by way of answer, using the tone of a child talking about a monster in a book or a hated schoolmarm. Then darkly, like that hated schoolmarm, she added, “Little Lorelai doesn’t know any better.”

“You know, I was quite the scamp back in my day too. That’s how I met Tara. My parents denied me a kitten, so I summoned a tressym instead,” he explained with a fond smile and a twinkle in his eyes. He went on about other ‘naughty’ things he did as a child, such as summoning mephits or destroying things with errant magic. He felt that if he could get her to accept that making trouble as a child was a normal part of growing up, then she might begin to forgive herself for whatever she’d done.

Gale’s happy memories only served to weaken the edge of the hole further, bits breaking off every now and then. While speaking about his mother, how much he loved her, the hole suddenly emitted a disturbing sound. A wail mixed with crying, piercing and discordant. Gale stopped his story, training his senses to make heads or tails of what was happening. The wail faded as voices rose in its stead. Elven voices, melodic and refined, called out “Lorelai.”

“Lorelai, you are too young to make such decisions,” Eletha said in Elvish in a man’s voice. It sounded stern and agitated, almost hostile. “Non Moverē.”

She recited the incantation for a Hold Person spell with perfect precision, but it was only an echo of a memory. Whoever had cast it was highly skilled.

“You must set aside your feelings for the good of us all. I did not raise you to be a brat, A’Sum. This is a blessing,” she said in a woman’s voice. It was sharp and disappointed. This voice called upon the Weave to calm her daughter’s emotions.

“If you cannot behave, then we will make you behave, my blood or not,” a second man’s voice said through Eletha’s lips. It snarled, full of revulsion. “Impero tibi.”

I command you, from the tongue of an expert spellcaster. Young and inexperienced, Eletha would have been unable to resist.

“I… I think I understand,” Gale said after waiting a moment for her to continue. “It will be okay. You have us now. We won’t let that happen.”

“It doesn’t make a difference,” she said in her own voice, streaked with pain. “It’s always been here. It’s not going away this time.”

“What-”

A monstrous black claw shot out of the black hole. Gale threw himself back, only to fall out of Eletha’s tent.

“What in the hells was that about?” Karlach asked, looking down at him with confusion.

“I was trying to help,” he answered, trying to rub the befuddlement out of his head.

“MmMmh, breakfast?” Eletha asked blearily, poking her head out of the tent flap. “Can I have eggs?”

“No, Lethi, go back to sleep,” Karlach told her, pushing her friend back into the tent when she appeared to be asleep sitting up.

“So. What hot gossip did you two discuss?” Astarion purred as he approached Gale’s tent, where the wizard was currently writing in his journal. Despite his attempts to seem otherwise, it was clear that the question came from a place of concern.

“Do you remember anything of your families?” Astarion glared at him.

“No. All I know is what little Eletha has told me. They were semi-important.” Gale hummed in response, distracted. “Why?”

“Nothing. Only something to consider.” Astarion huffed with false humor. Scratching his beard, talking more to himself than Astarion, Gale said, “It’s a shame Cazador made you forget your old life. Of us all, you can relate to her the most…”

“I’m not sure I understand the similarities.”

“Held against your will by someone who claims to love you, to be your family. Made to behave. Bodies not yours to command,” Gale explained rather compassionately. Then he grew pensive again. “What did she do, that necessitated such methods of containment? Is it the action, or the reaction, that is affecting her?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. It’s always ‘I did a bad horrible thing, I’m evil, I can never be forgiven.’ Things like that.” Astarion laughed then sighed a little sadly. “Oh Gale. First a goddess. Now an insane elf. How does it feel to fall so far?”

“Does driving your first lover into the arms of pain and madness hurt worse or less than all the blood on your hands?” Gale sniped. Astarion startled, then bristled.

“That’s not fair,” he warned.

“Any more fair than what you just said?” Gale asked, getting to his feet. Standing tall, he had to look down at Astarion a little bit. 

“Keep your meddling paws out of other people’s business,” Astarion growled.

“Why must you treat me like an enemy? We want the same thing: for her to get better. To do that, I’m afraid we must meddle in her business.”

“It’s not just her business, is it? It’s mine as well.”

“The business of a man buried over two centuries ago.” Gale tilted his head and the harshness left his eyes and voice. “You’re worried that she can’t forgive you.”

“Of course I am!” Stupid wizards. Why did they have to be so smart and also so slow at the same time?

“Mm, I find it unlikely. You hold a special place in her heart, broken or no,” Gale told him rather academically, picking something up from his desk. In his outstretched palm he held the scrap of cloth from Eletha’s tent. With a pair of tweezers, he carefully dissected it, revealing a lock of curly white hair. When his tweezers tried to brush the hairs, they were rebuffed. “A preservation charm. I can only assume that this hair once belonged to you, perhaps the garment this cloth came from as well. With a few tools and a wizard’s expertise, she could have easily found you in Baldur’s Gate.”

“But she didn’t. The one civilized place on the Sword Coast she’s never visited,” Astarion said harshly, hovering between shock and anger.

“There are many possible explanations. Eletha is a proponent of choices. You chose to leave, so she respected your choice. Perhaps she was afraid that you never loved her, or that you hated her for waiting so long to follow.” Gale carefully resealed the token so that it could be replaced in Eletha’s tent. “Perhaps she had no choice but to let you go. There’s no telling until she feels ready to explain.”

“I’ll put it back,” Astarion said after a moment, holding out his hand. Gale placed the token in his palm, only to gently take hold of his hand.

“It is a shame. I was hoping to encourage a relationship between us. Eletha was always interesting, a mix of mysterious and open, having lived a rich life of adventure. I had an impression that she found me interesting as well, but she is so clearly afraid of being hurt again.” Gale looked at their interlocked hands fondly. “I suppose I could say the same for you.”

Astarion clicked his tongue and emitted a soft sound of sweetness before threading his fingers through the loose waves of hair at the back of Gale’s neck. Pulling him down slightly while raising himself up on his toes, Astarion pressed their lips together in a needy kiss.Gale’s mouth opened slightly in a surprised gasp and Astarion found his tongue with his own.

Neither kissed like a novice, but it felt different. Electric. With the orb stabilized by Mystra, Gale didn’t fear the sudden excitement of flesh touching flesh or the sound of someone’s moans in his ears. Even Eletha’s light touches and chaste kisses on his head threatened to explode his heart after so long without a person’s touch.

He was suddenly aware of how clammy his hands had become. His body was shaking and his head felt like it might float away without him. A pit of sickness sat in his stomach and Gale pushed Astarion away just a little bit. Before Astarion could misunderstand, he said shakily, “I think it has been too long for me. I am a starving man eating more than his stomach can handle.”

Astarion’s face went through a range of emotions, from hurt to annoyance and finally thoughtfulness. “Eletha had that reaction too. I just assumed she was drunk, but the only thing you seem drunk on is the taste of my lips.”

“There is some truth to that,” Gale agreed with a light laugh. Holding a hand to his heart, he said, “I assure you, I enjoyed that very much.”

“I should… put this back,” Astarion said hesitantly with a small smile, indicating Eletha’s token. “Maybe I’ll come around later. Discuss… what was it we were reading now?”

“I have no clue.”

“Mm… I have done a number on you,” Astarion purred in self-satisfaction before leaving Gale’s tent.

Thankfully, Bonnet wasn’t sitting in front of Eletha’s tent when Astarion attempted to sneak in. The bear would’ve probably mauled him on sight otherwise.

He sat for a moment, just watching her breathe, fighting some internal demon. Very carefully, he placed the token in her open hand, which closed and retreated to her chest.

---

It was late and everyone was seeing to their evening routines when indecipherable elvish yelling grew louder in Eletha’s tent.

She emerged, a leather wallet in one hand, her face red with anger. Everyone was gathering, but she only had eyes for Astarion. Pointing an accusing finger at him, she yelled, “How dare you go through my things!”

Astarion chuckled nervously, holding up his hands in surrender. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, like anyone else has an interest in my journals? The place where I keep all my intimate thoughts and memories?” Eletha sneered, narrowing her eyes. Astarion went from nervous to confused.

“I didn’t take your journals,” he insisted, biting off the urge to call her ‘darling’ or ‘my dear’. He knew by now that it could upset her more just as much as it could make her melt. “And even if I did, it would only be to figure out what’s wrong with you so we can move on.”

“What’s wrong with me?!” Those closest to her tensed, preparing to stop her if she decided to settle this with a fight. Those closer to Astarion gravitated towards him, to get between them if anything went wrong.

Instead, Eletha undid the complicated tie of her wallet and dumped the contents out onto the ground. A seemingly endless flood of books, papers, and scrolls fell out. Giving it one last shake to make sure it was empty, Eletha dropped the wallet on the pile.

“They’re yours now. Have fun,” she growled at him before returning to her tent. 

Those nearby rushed forward as a slight breeze caught the papers, threatening to blow them into the campfire. Everyone gathered to deal with the mess.

“Interesting. A bag of holding, but just for paper?” Gale pondered aloud as he inspected the leather wallet before setting it aside. Astarion snatched it up with a little glare. He was pretty sure he just got blamed for Gale’s sticky fingers and he wasn’t about to let the wizard take something Eletha just entrusted to him.

“She certainly needs it,” Shadowheart remarked, gathering some journals into a stack and setting them next to Gale, who immediately started organizing them.

“Wow, so many for this Lorelai person,” Karlach said after a while of picking up letters and putting them into a semi-neat pile. 

“That’s her childhood name,” Gale explained, becoming excited by something he’d noticed. “Elves pick their own name when they reach one hundred years of age.”

“Oh.” Karlach went from confused, to understanding, to confused again. “Why are they all still sealed? Seems weird, keeping letters you didn’t even bother readin’.”

Gale was deaf to the question, reading the oldest of the journals. In a stilting manner, as he not only had to translate Elvish, but a child’s Elvish, he read aloud to himself loud enough for them to hear. 

“Father said that I should keep a journal, so I can always remember what happened to me. Today isn’t my birthday, but another elf was born last week. Mother said they were worried I would get upset that I was no longer the youngest and wouldn’t get all the attention, so they gave me a gift. I don’t think the new baby wants the attention I get. All Father and Mother do is yell at me for not doing what they want, but I don’t understand what they want. Maybe Astarion will understand. But right now he is just a squishy ugly baby with BIG GOBLIN EARS. They are SO BIG. I hope he grows into them, like the hunting dogs’ puppies.”

On the other side of the page was a crude child’s drawing of what appeared to be a fat baby’s head with cherubic cheeks and some rudimentary curls. Attached to either side were massive elf ears. Surprised, Gale guffawed most uncharacteristically and turned the journal to show everyone. They all laughed, except Astarion, who grumbled in embarrassment.

“Mother says I have to take care of Astarion, it is my ‘role.’ All the Mothers tell me that I should prepare myself, even if it might never happen. Having to take care of him makes me feel gross. The way the Mothers talk about babies makes me feel grosser. I tried taking him away from them, so they’d stop making me feel bad and wouldn’t make him feel bad either, but they yelled at me and made me sit in the rocks again. It’s not Star’s fault. He’s just a baby. One day he’ll be my age, will he feel like this too? All the other children are so much older than me, they treat me like a baby too. I feel like I’ve grown up a lot in a year. I have to grow up just enough to protect Star but still be his friend.”

“Oh, that’s heartbreakin’…” Karlach breathed, holding her breath as she listened. The others were listening, reacting in their own little ways. Lae’zel was still cleaning up the mess. Shadowheart knelt, appearing as if in prayer. Wyll took special interest in each thing he picked up so he could put it in the appropriate pile. Halsin listened with compassionate sadness, while Astarion sat like a statue, frozen in place.

Gale skipped ahead, his wizard’s mind able to quickly read and catalog the information, especially as the Elvish got better. Something made him smile. “Astarion keeps stealing my socks. Why socks? At least they’re clean socks. A lot of stuff keeps going missing and showing up somewhere else and I think it’s him. A lot of them let Astarion into their caravan for no reason and let him do what he pleases, but I’ve seen him sneak into our caravan before to steal my socks. Whenever I catch him, he sticks them on his ears and says ‘I can’t hear you! I have feet for ears!”

Everyone but Astarion laughed once more.

“That’s so strange… It looks like she wrote or drew something every day, but there’s a whole year missing. The pages are ripped out.” Shadowheart pointed out, having flipped through a few of the journals herself. “She said Astarion left when she was 35, so the year after is missing.”

Everyone was making comments about him, but Astarion was deaf as he picked out a bundle of papers from the pile. One edge of them was jagged. He undid the piece of string holding them together and unfolded them.

“Lorelai will behave. Lorelai will eat. Will drink. Rest. Do as she is told. Stay. Not bite off her tongue. Not use the fire. Not practice the sword or the bow or with hands. She will not talk back, she will not scream or raise her voice. She will speak only when spoken to and always be polite. She will not interact with outsiders. She must always be accompanied. Always be clean. Lorelai will be a good girl. Lorelai will apologize for what she’s done. I am a good girl. I promise to be good. I am sorry for what I’ve done.”

The torn pages lined up with those tears in the journal. The first page after was a depiction of a black circle. Taking the journal from Astarion, Gale pointed at the picture. “I’ve seen that. In her head. ‘Something old, something bad. Evil, mean old Lorelai.’”

Gale flipped past some more drawings and lists of typical adventurer things like how many supplies she had and where she was going. Then it went back to a sane depiction of a journal.

“I am not a good girl. I will not do as I’m told. I will not behave. I will eat and drink to spite them. I will bite my tongue when it suits me, when its sharpness cannot aid me. I will speak loud and clear when I please. I will be alone. I will not apologize. I am not sorry for what I’ve done, my only regret is that I let them control me. I won’t let anyone control me ever again.

“I am never coming back. I will never forgive these transgressions against me. I will not forget them, but I will bury them, in a hole deep and dark and bottomless inside me. The hole they made in me, where my heart and family should be.

“I don’t believe that Astarion left in order to leave me behind. He loves to chase and be chased. But I will always wonder, if that was true, why didn’t he turn back to find me? Maybe they were right. I will grant them this small token of grace. Maybe I was abandoned, as I abandon in kind.

“I am far from my 100th year, but I shake off the yoke of my name. Everyone I meet will know me as Eletha, a name Astarion always liked, and I will fashion myself a Nighstar. Who will ever know it’s not true? I might not ever be important, these might be the only words ever written about me, but when I speak this name, I will know that I am more than what I was meant to be.”

“I can’t tell if that’s sad or brave…” Wyll whispered to himself.

“What’s… E… Sum? Hey, I’m getting pretty good at this Elvish thing!” Karlach said excitedly, holding up a letter she’d been inspecting. Gale, Shadowheart, Halsin, and Astarion went blank-faced.

“It says, ‘To my Son’,” Halsin explained gently and quietly, so Eletha couldn’t overhear them.

“I do not understand. As in a male child?” Lae’zel asked.

“Yes, Lae’zel. And seeing as Eletha is a female child…” 

Shadowheart laughed nervously, pinching Halsin’s arm to get him to shut up. “Maybe it’s for Astarion! And she just… forgot about it.”

“As nice as that seems…” Gale started darkly, holding Eletha’s journal with the pages ripped out, “With the knowledge I have, of all the theories I’ve considered, and the fact that I can recognize Eletha’s hand, it is most likely that this is to her son…”

Everyone sat in stunned silence for a moment. Then Karlach looked at Astarion and offered him a strained smile. “Congratulations?”

“That paper seems awfully old. And it looks like it was never sealed,” Wyll pointed out, taking the letter from Karlach. “She never sent this. Why keep it? I guess it’s like the others. Felt too guilty to burn it? Thrown in the bag and forgotten?”

“We shouldn’t read that, right? Even dictating every event of her life for over 260 years is less personal than that,” Shadowheart insisted warily, carefully taking the letter from Wyll and handing it to Gale.

“It is, however, the center of the problem,” Gale explained firmly. “If anyone is to read it, it should be Astarion.”

“Why should I read it?!” he yelled out, his voice cracking. Some of them leaned away nervously. “Don’t look at me like I’m crazy! This is crazy! This is insane! And not the least bit funny.”

“It is okay to be upset,” Halsin told him gently.

“Of course it’s okay! This is very upsetting! I’m sure for someone like you, this would come as no surprise! Almost two months ago, I was just a vampire spawn hunting for my master. I’ve had an old lover show up who wants to play mindgames, go insane, and now this?!”

“I don’t think it’s mindgames, bud,” Karlach said, going through a journal that appeared to be in Common instead of Elvish, although sometimes the script slipped and she had trouble reading it. “Look. 50 years ago. She met an elf on the road, they hit it off, they try to give it a go, she has a lot of nasty feelings after. Talks about this black pit, yeah? And it gets all hard to read. Then she says someone named Mellia found her and took care of her until she got better.”

“Mmm, sounds much like now. She’s spiraling,” Shadowheart said, taking the journal and reading the same bit like they were in some book club with only once copy.

“Down, down, down, spiraling down. Cracked like an egg, to hatch or to eat? The dry leaves sound lovely under our feet,” Gale repeated in a hollow sing-song voice, stroking his beard in thought.

“That’s right fucked.” Some murmured in agreement. Karlach looked at them all, hoping for an answer. “So what do we do? Hide all the booze? Make her stay awake?”

“Honestly, she was fighting harder before this little… break,” Wyll remarked. “I’d be happy if we could get back to that.”

“Eletha has been avoiding this since the beginning. This is an invitation as much as it is an explanation. She needs to say these words herself, so she might share the burden,” Halsin explained with the dispassion of a healer trying to be taken seriously at the expense of compassion.

“I didn't want to go to that hag, but Wyll was right. Damn those foolish boys and their foolish sister. People go to hags for a reason. They want something and there is payment. They are desperate and stupid and they don't understand that. I left Ethel and Mayrina alone because the girl made her choice. My parents, Astarion’s parents, the whole clan, they took my choice away from me.

“I can still hear that hag’s mockery in my head. ‘A dead dog is a better mother than you. Just as selfish and stupid as this girl. You should be ashamed of yourself, trying to smother a babe before it’s even born.’

“She’s wrong. I made the right choice, to walk away. He didn't deserve a mother like me. No child does. 

“If Mellia turned me, could she make me forget, like Astarion? Could Aluin just say some words, wiggle his fingers, or brew me a potion? Maybe this adventure will be my last and it’ll be some other elf’s problem in a hundred years. I’m sorry for haunting your reveries, my next life.

“I’m sorry, everyone. I wanted to protect you, to be strong for you. I wanted to be a shield against the cruelty of the world, but I’m afraid my steel is brittle and my wood rotten. I can’t be your mother any more than I could be his.”

“The rest is… scribbles,” Gale explained in saddened resignation, flipping past indecipherable text and grotesque attempts at artistry.

“Maybe we should put these away,” Halsin said, taking the pouch from Astarion and carefully putting journals in one by one. The others made tidy piles in front of them and passed the pouch around, until Gale was handing it back to Astarion.

“She did say that they were yours now,” he explained when Astarion started to push it away. “Although. A bag of holding just for texts? I would gladly take it off your hands.” 

“No, you can’t eat this one,” Astarion growled, putting his body in between the bag and Gale. Gale chuckled and smiled, easing the tension around the camp.

Astarion sat in his tent, alone, staring at the things in his lap. One was the wallet, and on top of it, the well-worn letter. He fingered its edge in agitation. A little tear formed and he panicked. Very carefully, he set it aside and opened the wallet once more. He placed the letters into little piles. Letters addressed to Lorelai, unopened. Letters addressed to Eletha, in smaller piles by sender. There were quite a few from people named ‘Mellia, Your Sanguine Companion’, ‘Aluin of Suzail’, ‘Tyrlumin, Your Melodic Cha’, and ‘Bromthrum Starkhammer, Provider of Fine Crafts.’ There were miscellaneous letters, some very old, from people thanking her for heroic deeds or just simple acts of kindness. There was even one thanking her for the exceptional quality of a set of mink pelts she provided that went into making a coat for some king Astarion never heard of.

He read them, because he couldn’t help himself. She seemed very close with her humanoid companions, which probably explained why she had so many letters.

Mellia, mysterious and charming, her oldest and possibly closest friend. They met when a pack of gnolls were terrorizing some little farming town. They banded together to slaughter every one. Eletha was just passing by, Mellia was a vampire and had an accord with one of the village leaders. It made his blood boil, he couldn’t think of a higher vampire and not see Cazador, but her letters were so… sweet. Not fake sweet. She would recount some event or vista that made her think of Eletha and their adventures. It was hard to imagine a vampire soaking with an elf in a hot spring up in some monster-infested mountains, but they apparently had 50 years ago. ‘I am glad that I could keep you away from the edge once more, my lovely friend. Maybe it is time you venture to Baldur’s Gate? I will gladly join you, and I know that you have other friends that would answer the call.’ A band of hardened adventurers, showing up at Cazador’s palace, demanding he relinquish his favorite spawn? A story for the ages… 

Aluin the human mage, whose words read nothing like Gale’s. Even as he grew older, his boyish exuberance could still be heard in his retellings of discoveries and mishaps. She lost her eye protecting him from a warg and guided him back to Suzail. To return the favor, he offered her a magic eye. It allowed her to peer into memories of places, things, and people, to see them as they once were. Aluin wanted her to take him on many adventures and he always thanked her from the bottom of his heart for every scrap of artifact she sent to him from her travels. There was a subtle love in his words. 

Tyrlumin, a half-elf bard, whose age she could not discern. He often talked to her like she was a child, but had his own childish penchant for getting into trouble. They met on the road, nothing special, but they were drawn to one another. It seemed he used her for inspiration in some of his songs. He would run into her, seemingly not by accident, and they would travel together until he would disappear in the night, leaving behind a note. It was often a dirty limerick.

Finally, Bromthrum, a purveyor of high-quality dwarven goods, trading to princes, wizards, and thieves alike. She came to his aid upon the road as he was waylaid by bandits. They shared a fondness for drink and smoke. He sounded enamored by her elven beauty and the artistry she employed in battle. She seemed drawn to his complete lack of similarities to elves. He gave her steep discounts on goods and she protected his caravan when she was around.

Astarion didn’t touch the sealed letters. Maybe he had some sense of propriety. They were all so old… It seemed they stopped only 50 years after she left the Dales.

Then there were two. For their E’Sum. For Astarion Ancunin, Baldur’s Gate.

This, too, was old, but not as old as some. Likely, this letter would have never reached him. The furthest it might have gotten was to Cazador, and then what jealous hellfire would his master have rained upon him for receiving a letter from a long-lost lover?

It was meant for him. That meant he could read it, no? It found him, after all these years.

Astarion snuck into Gale’s tent.

“Can I help you?” Gale grumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“I need you to read this,” Astarion insisted, shoving the letter at him. Gale moved away, offended as Astarion pressed the piece of parchment into his chest.

“I think you're capable of reading.”

“I can't do it.”

“Then don't read it.”

“But it's for me.”

“Then I shouldn't be reading it.”

“Dammit Gale, can you just do this for me?” Astarion hissed. “Can you stop being an emotionless pompous arse for one minute?”

“I'm not emotionless, I’m exhausted. That wasn’t exactly easy on me, either. I didn’t even tell you some of the horrible things in those journals,” Gale explained, but took the letter anyway. A little hurt he said, “Is that how you see me?”

“Gale, I need the attention now, or I'm going to start stabbing people.”

“How is that different from usual?” Gale muttered as he opened the letter. “Dear Astarion, stop being dramatic and let Gale sleep.”

“You’re aware of how much of an ass you are, yes?”

“My Star,” Gale started, ignoring him. He actually put a little emotion into it. Astarion listened intently. “Aluin says that writing letters is healing, that ordering our thoughts to communicate them helps us understand ourselves as much as it helps others understand us. I’m not as good with words as Mellia or Lumin. I guess you don't know any of these people. They are friends I've made along the way and if we meet again, I want you to meet them. They’ve helped me a lot, taught me that I deserve to be loved and helped. I don’t always believe them, but it is what it is. Do you remember Heilar saything that all the time, when you’d tell him I beat you unfairly during sword practice? I wonder if I still can. 

“I spent a long time hating you, but I always loved you. I never wished ill on you, even when I hated you the most. I always wondered what I did to make you leave me behind. I always wondered if you thought I'd follow. I wanted to, but our parents bade me stay. Then they made me stay.

What is it like, in Baldur’s Gate? I always wanted to go to Waterdeep instead.” Gale's eyes lit up suddenly and he opened his mouth to make some quip, but when he looked up, Astarion was the picture of anxiety, biting his lip, knees to his chest, fear in his eyes. 

“It took me a long time to accept responsibility for what happened. I would always say to myself that you left a mess behind, you did this to me, that it was all your fault. It was best that you left, because if you'd stayed, I don't want to imagine what you would have done. Would you take their side, or defend me tooth and nail? I couldn't bear it if you were just another person I couldn't forgive. But I wouldn’t want our family’s blood on your hands either.

“I don't know his name. I left as soon as I could. I'm sorry that I can't tell you anything about him. I would think that your parents would try to write you, but maybe they think it meant nothing to you. They try to write me, but I can't read them. I don't want to read them, but I can't destroy them.

“No matter how many friends I make, how many people I help, I will always know that I am a callous monster. Despite how rare it is, despite what it would mean for our families and our people, I didn't want to keep the thing you left behind in me. Knowing it was there filled me with a sickness that went beyond any story the Mothers told me. I was no longer myself, I was just a vessel. I found myself repulsive. I tried to find some way to be rid of it, but our mothers caught me. 

“At first they aimed to tame me with guilt and shame. They told me I was irresponsible, cowardly, a disgrace, for trying to throw away this blessing that felt to me like a curse, a punishment. There were only hard eyes and sharp words for me. I became desperate and tried my own ways of removing my curse. When they denied me that, I tried to bite through my own tongue to spare myself the pain of my burden and it the pain of having me for a mother.

“They took turns, holding me with their magic, giving me no choice but to do what they deemed right. I looked out of my eyes on a world that became hostile and full of villains, faces made of cruelty. The body that moved was not my own, but I still felt that awful feeling in my heart, felt trapped in my own skin just as much as in their power.

“I'm not sorry that I left, so why do I feel guilty? Broken? I'm not sorry for being broken. Was this soul always broken, throughout its many lives?

“I made a deal with a fey. In exchange for never bearing children again, I am cursed to burn by the emptiness of the new moon. It hurt, at first, but not as much as that year hurt. The fey thought me mad for requesting such a simple silly thing and not real power. Maybe I am. You have to be pretty mad to make a fey question your request.

“I’m sorry. I love you. I forgive you. I don't expect you to forgive me. I hope you can still love me, as unlovable as I am. 

“Ever yours- Lori”

At some point, Astarion had placed his head in Gale’s lap. So caught up in the letter, Gale didn't notice. Now that he was done, he freed up a hand to pat Astarion’s head. “Can I go back to sleep now?”

“No.”

“Okay,” Gale whispered tiredly, still stroking Astarion’s hair. “It’s going to be okay. Tomorrow is another day.”

[aki-bara]

Sorry for my absence. I sort of let myself fall into a bit of a depression. Also. I'm pretty sure the sickness I caught was covid as I'm still not all the way better and my sense of smell and it taste is gone and as you can imagine that didn't super help with the depression thing. I really need to find a therapist lol. And go to the doctor because my medicine is clearly not working as well as I'd like.

Why is it so hard to do stuff when you're depressed? I realize I'm talking into the void here, but it still helps to write even if no one sees it.

I hate that my ability to feel good is just the result of a bunch of chemical triggers and not result of my own will or desires. I know I need help, but not how to get it or what to even ask for. Just telling people I need help doesn't seem to do anything. I know that's not anyone's fault, but it's not like knowing that does anything either.

CW: Suicidal Ideation

I really think it's funny how I could avoid all this if I employed an "exit strategy." Like. Wouldn't that just be so much easier? But I don't actually want to? Which feels weird to say. I've wanted to in the past at various points. Or at least fantasized about it. Never actually made any serious attempts. But right now it just feels like... If I give up now what was the point in making it this far? Like, I could have avoided a ton of hardship if I died at 11 or 13 or 16 or maybe even 21. But I've past all those points. Been through a lot, so what would be the point of giving up now?

I want make that stuff "worth it."

I know that's a known fallacy humans fall for. Like. Thinking the more money you put in the slot machine the more likely it is to pay out. I know that's not true, but if the other option is just to stop playing maybe it's okay to believe it'll pay out soon? I don't know. Probably none of this is "healthy thinking," but it's the best I can manage right now so I guess I'll take it.

Anyway, I hope all y'all are having a good day. Even if I disagree with your fandom takes lol. I'll be around again, was the point of this message, so... Yup. Have a good one.

[onedismay]

Mass Effect Tag Game

Stole this thing from @messydiabolical. :)c Anyone is welcome to steal it from me as well!

-

I am a fan since: Forgot what year it was but I remember ME2 had already been out for a while before I bought ME1. But I caught up quickly and got to experience the release of the Arrival DLC in real time. :D

Favourite game of the series?: It's hard to pick between 1 and 2, but I'll say 2 because the concept of loyalty missions is MY JAM. Also ME2 is my favorite graphics-wise, it's got that high contrast I love so much. (hate the simplified skill trees though)

MShep or FShep?: Most of my Sheps are fSheps because the character creator for mSheps isn't versatile enough for me. :( Where's the long hair! Let me look impractical!

Earthborn, Colonist or Spacer?: I might slightly prefer Earthborn. I enjoy playing characters who've had a rough start in life and made some bad decisions, but grew up to become decent people anyway.

Biotics or Tech: Can't pick, I like variety!

Paragon or Renegade: peace for everybody in the galaxy :') But I reeeaally love the Renegade eyes so I do have some mean Sheps as well.

Favourite Class: I used to main the Infiltrator class but in my most recent run I really enjoyed the Adept. Hard to pick a favorite but I do know my favorite class is NOT the Sentinel, it always feels clunky to me somehow.

Favourite Companion: Tali or Javik. Kaidan and Thane are nearby too. Tali's character development feels very natural and wonderful to me on every playthrough and I always love to see it. Javik is a fave because he's haunted and completely alone and that combo always hooks me like, I MUST see to it that this sad man has at least one nice thing in his life.

Least favourite Companion: It's the writers' fault but Liara. It gets really old when the same companion treats you like her love interest in all 3 games no matter what. I haaaate forced hugs in roleplaying games, don't put me through that, it'll ruin the character for me.

My squad selection: In my most recent playthrough it was unsurprisingly Javik and Tali. But I also ran with Vega quite often in the early game and I kinda missed him in the end game, haha.

Favourite In-game romance: Kaidan, especially with mShep because I really enjoy a slow burn of several years. 🔥

Other pairings I like: I am motioning at my blog and presenting to you Tazzik and the Shadow Broker...... no i don't have anything else to offer at this time

Favourite NPC: I like all these shady-ass salarians like Anoleis and Jaroth and Maelon and Linron (yes) (no i'm not defending her, i just find mean characters interesting sometimes) and Chorban and probably others. Valern isn't all that shady but still a fave. Charn! And Balak, I always look forward to finding out how my Shepard reacts to him. Zaal'Koris vas Qwib-Qwib I always loved you and I knew you were the best admiral before ME3 ever happened

Favourite Antagonist: the Shadow Broker, I was so into the mystery in ME1 and man I was not disappointed when we got the reveal. I would have loved to learn more about his early life.

Favourite Mission: ME2's Suicide Mission because I lovvve how it's a culmination of all your previous actions. It felt really scary and chaotic on my first playthrough and like anything could happen. Now I know all the mechanics so nothing surprises me, but I still look forward to seeing every little detail play out.

Favourite Loyalty Mission: Tali. Also Mordin. And Samara, ugghhh I love Omega and I love playing bait uwu

Favourite DLC: Hmmm I love about half of LotSB very much but I might like Bring Down the Sky more as a whole? The mood is great, it's not super long, and nothing about it annoys me. :D I've only played the Leviathan DLC once so far so I'm not confident enough to call it a fave yet but I liked it a lot, too.

Control, Synthesis or Destroy: I just wanted an ending where we finally talk the Reapers down and they go "yeah u right actually, let's not fight anymore. :( handshake?". All this star child borderline magic stuff is kinda goofy to me. I've picked Destroy almost every time tho.

Favourite Weapon: Recently enjoyed the Blood Pack Executioner... Historically I've probably used the Widow the most. Also I LOVE the way the Revenant looks but I can't stand using it myself lmao. My hand hurts just thinking about it.

Favourite Place: nnnoooo there's so many good places. I adore the Shadow Broker's ship, first of all. Such a cool concept. Noveria for the snow and miserable people. Feels like home. I loved visiting the Migrant Fleet! But my absolute favorite place is probably Omega because it's so rough yet there's still a weird sense of community.

A quote I like: The first that came to mind is "I have a home." Idk, I don't really remember quotes unless they're repeated over and over and by that point I start hating them.

[bobafett]

stealing this because the boops made me realize how much i miss tag games.

How many works do you have on AO3? A grand total of 14. I am not a prolific writer.

What’s your total AO3 word count? 63,880. Please see above answer.

What fandoms do you write for? Batman and Star Wars. I have a little bit of Supernatural fic posted on an alt account, and I've been turning over an idea for an OW fic in my head for a while, but it takes me a long time to figure out how to write in a fandom in a way that still captures the "vibes" of the source material (which is always one of my goals). So I rarely branch out.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? New Cornerstone (suitless!Vader AU from a million years ago), Brothers in Arms (Jon starts to get an inkling that his best friend has perhaps not had a normal childhood), Setting the Bone (Selina Kyle: reluctant parental figure), In This Twilight (Damian and Jason brotherly bonding, first batfam fic I ever wrote), and Try to Sweep the Darkness Out (batfam Christmas special that I've almost orphaned 10 times because I hate the writing choices I made in it so much). None of the fics I'm actually proud of are on this list. Tragic.

Do you respond to comments? Irregularly and unpredictably! I will if I feel like I have something to say and it catches me in the right mood.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Uh, that would be High Water Mark since it starts with a scene of Cody contemplating suicide and ends with the instant right before Order 66 kicks in.

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Probably Problem Solving since it's the only fic I've ever written where I was actually trying to be light hearted.

Do you get hate on fics? Never, thankfully.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? If I thought I could do it successfully, I would. But I'm not, so I don't.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Basically never. There is a Doctor Who/Sherlock fic buried on my old FF.net account. There's also a Super Smash Bros fic on there that I wrote in 2009, which I suppose also counts.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? I can't imagine why anyone would.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? No, and I never would. I'm too much of a control freak about my writing. Writing, say, shared universe stuff might be fun, but actually co-authoring something would drive me nuts.

What’s your all time favorite ship? What a question. I come back to Jaime/Brienne a lot for reading, but I don't think I'd ever write it. I write a ton of BatCat, but rarely read it because I'm particular. I like Lois/Clark, but I almost never write OR read it. I'm honestly not very ship motivated. Most of the time I filter for a ship because I'm in the mood for its attendant tropes, and if the writing is good, you can sell me on just about anything.

What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Hmngh. New Cornerstone again. There's 20k of an expanded version of it on my hard drive that I haven't added to since probably 2017. There's something very fun about suitless!Vader as a character because he's such a sparking, destructive livewire of a person, but also I'm experienced enough now to realize how difficult doing justice to that premise is. Also, I'd have to rewatch TCW to get Ahsoka's voice down, and I just don't got time for that shit.

What are your writing strengths? Description and sense of place. Also pretty good at dialogue.

What are your writing weaknesses? Fucking. Long fic. Plot in general. I'm horrifically bad at it.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I'm usually inclined to keep all my dialogue in English, but it would depend on the context and the effect I was going for.

First fandom you wrote for? Purposefully? Inuyasha. Without having any idea what fanfic was? I created an Artemis Fowl fairy OC and stuck her in Indiana Jones when I was 10 years old.

Favorite fic you’ve written? They Don't Sing Songs For Me. No contest. It's perfectly captures what I think is the ideal form of fanfic: two characters who have absolutely no business interacting with each other building a compelling relationship dynamic over the course of 9k words.

I will be tagging @panharmonium, @apostatefrog, @dead-ghost-walking, @ryehouses, @yellowocaballero, @lazuliquetzal. Also anyone else who wants to. I will bring back tag games by force of will, so help me God.

[dandelionandkrindle]

posting this here under a cut instead of on r/trans where it probably should be (but i can't stand reddit), in the vague hopes someone can give me some kind of advice.

so my gf is currently transitioning and has basically told me that she doesn't feel like she should be dating anyone while she's experiencing intense gender dysphoria and related depression. she's just started hrt this month but probably won't be able to afford and schedule her surgeries for another couple of months at least. she's also not publicly out (just to friends and family but her family is....not great about it) and i know she's scared to be out because where she currently lives isn't a safe country for trans people (which is like an oxymoron but some places are Worse y'know).

we're still in contact but she's slowly shut down more and more and thinks that she's dragging me down or holding me back from being with someone better (even though i've assured her that's not the case). i've always been super affirming regarding her appearance and that helped initially but it's at a point where she just doesn't believe me and then she feels bad for that. she also completely refuses financial help and says it makes her feel like a burden etc. right now i'm just sending the occasional supportive text, i don't want to smother her, but i do worry she'll cut me off completely out of some misguided idea that i'm better off without her.

i've been educating myself as much as possible on transitioning and dysphoria, i wrote her a list of things she might like to try even just at home like femme outfit ideas, hairstyles, makeup tips etc. things that might give her those more euphoric moments. i've sent her flowers, bought her 'feminine' gifts, talked about braiding her hair, going shopping with her etc. all the stuff i know she's sad she missed out on from being closeted. but it's really hard in a long-distance relationship to help her in a more material way. she won't be able to move until the end of this year at least and i guess i'm scared abt what might happen in that time.

i told her i'm happy to wait, months, or years even, until she feels ready to be with me. it doesn't matter because it feels like i've been waiting my whole life for her, what's a couple of years compared to that. i just don't know what else i can do in the meantime, short of getting on a plane and being there for her irl for a few days or a week at least but she completely shut that idea down and i know she's scared that i'm not going to enjoy being with her in person especially when she hates herself so much right now.

which is ????? to me. she's so sweet and kind and she's said the most insanely romantic things to me, she's clever and funny (my lil comedian fr) and she looks like a fucking model LIKE it's honestly incomprehensible that a girl like this calls herself trash. but at the same time, i know from childhood trauma and years of depression/suicidal ideation how easy it is to hate every part of yourself to the point you wish you were never born. and that makes my heart ache for her so much and makes me wish i could help even more. i just feel like i need direction, am i doing the right things could i be doing more is being here for her enough. i just don't know.

[muttfangs]

I already ranted to myself about this to process my thoughts while I was milling about my apartment getting ready for work, but i'm gonna kvetch about it here too so ┑(￣Д ￣)┍ ~boy problemz~

i'm not really sure what 'aura' or 'impression' I give off to the boys these days, but like… I keep attracting men who definitely see me as a 'caretaker' or 'father' role and it's like… no, dude. I'm BARELY recovered (and oftentimes still recovering!!) from major lifelong trauma and mental illness. I CANNOT emotionally nurse you back to health. that's a job for a licensed professional, not a scruff hook up / fling. and I know I'm hot, confident, and kind, but I have boundaries. my last ex (who I briefly mentioned here in a barking post, I'm sure) was incredibly mentally / emotionally manipulative. they would lovebomb me and then make me fret and hem and haww over them because they'd text or say things to me that were super worrisome or suicidal. I know they struggle with mental health. I do too. but they would drag me down and guilt me into an emotional tar pit with them against my will multiple times a week, and it fucked me up really badly. meanwhile, the entire time I was emotionally and energetically burnt to a crisp while trying to 'save' this person I cared about. this entire time, they used me. they saw me as a cute emotional punching bag. and when I finally set my foot down and told them "no, I'm uncomfortable with a 50 year old cis man fucking you when you don't show any sexual desire for me", they immediately twisted the situation to make me out like the bad guy.

"you can't get mad at me for this when we're in an open relationship to begin with and my friends agree with me"

FUCK you. I'm justified in my anger. you don't know how emasculating and invalidating it feels TO ME when you want to get railed by some random 50 year old cis man… but you wont touch me, your trans masc partner, because you're very obviously repulsed by my anatomy. I'm not stupid, I picked up on your consistent repulsion and avoidance when I'd ask you about sex. you're a terrible liar. and why THE FUCK do you have to ask your friends for validation during a conflict that is about YOU and ME?

fuck this. FUCK YOU. bitch.

...so, this leads me into a different cis gay who I hooked up with… literally once… He seems like a normal enough guy (literally saved as 'normal david' in my phone… lol ╮（╯＿╰）╭). I don't usually vibe with normies, they're. you know. boring to me. but he's fine for a hook up! the sex was decent, at the very least it was cathartic and I got some excess horny energy expelled.

anyways. the evening after we hooked up, he drunk texted me around midnight. it wasn't anything super strange just sorta like "I'm drunk and idk why I'm up this late. Lol" which is like, you know, innocuous enough. but he drunk texted me a couple times after that and it sorta just. makes me go 'hmmmmMM' I bring this up because, one of the drunk text conversations we had was him feeling really lonely and disappointed in himself. which is like, word yeah. I understand and empathize with that. I offered for him to hang out with me and my bros sometime, and as a heads up (for allergen reasons), I let him know like. we do smoke weed when we hang out! and you can feel free to not partake, but thats absolutely something we do. … and he immediately snubbed me by condescending to me about how weed is gross, it smells bad, it's a drug, etcetc. like. ya. I know. and thats a personal preference. JUST LIKE I PREFER TO NOT DRINK BUT I WILL SOCIALLY. I let him know we can smoke on the porch so he doesn't have to smell it, and he went on a mini tangent about why he hates weed and I just.

BRO. IM TRYING TO BE KIND AND OFFER YOU QUEER COMMUNITY. why on earth!! are you patronizing to me about recreational smoke sessions right now!!

and you know. I'm trying to be kind and empathetic so I explain to him like, alright. The offer is still there if you ever want it! but simultaneously, please don't condescend to me about the fact that me and my friends smoke weed. It's unnecessary and it's your preference, just as recreationally smoking is ours. and drinking is yours.

he drunk texted me… again… last night at 1am and like.

IM SENSING A PATTERN HERE. OF MESSED UP QUEER MEN WHO WANT ME TO CARE FOR THEM AND ONLY CARE FOR THEM WITHOUT ME RECEIVING ANY SORT OF RECIPROCAL EFFORT OR CARE PUT INTO THE SITUATION. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

god fuck my life. I talked about this w/ my therapist and like… I realize this isn't my fault. because my recent ex is a fully sentient, conscious human being who chose to make these decisions to exploit me and knew. same with normal david (to a lesser extent… bc I'm cutting this off today before it festers into yet another 'one-way fatherly situationship that I do not want and is also emotionally violating / burning me'). ...but it still sucks. I did get really, severely freaked out about my ex because I fell into this pattern that I've fallen into with previous people I've dated. where I see someone with 'potential', and I empathize with their mental illness and struggles as a queer person greatly and I want to help! genuinely! … and then it just turns into them being an emotional black hole and deflecting / ignoring the tangible, real ways I can help them so they can sink further and further into themselves while I desperately try to fish them out of the void they created. I'm convinced this was part of my ex's like… 'thing'. it was validating to them for me to panic over them when they'd text me shit like 'I need to disappear' because it meant I actually gave a shit about them. I hate people who view my confidence and genuine goodwill as something they can take for granted whenever the need arises. and I hate people who view me as "yeah you're good enough for now while I finda REAL MAN to date because youre KINDA LIKE A MAN". I'm tired of people seeing me as a stepping stone to 'something better', and treating me as disposable once they've bled me dry. This has been the situation with the past…. four or so of my exes.

Fuck them. I deserve better. I'm a good person. I'm kind. I'm growing. I'm putting the work in to deconstruct and heal my traumas. and I deserve affection, understanding, communication, kindness, respect, and love.

I will not settle for any less.

[papirouge]

The message you got about conservative men being closeted gay/bisexual came right on time because I've been thinking about it lately lol.

I always suspect these trad men when they talk too much about a woman's role and constantly criticize women, on top of the homophobia like atp i know it'll be a matter of time when something related to his sexuality will come out... Remember that scrote who gave that speech saying women were wasting their time with their careers and should become housewives and have children instead? And how some gay men started exposing him saying he had a "gay past"? I believe many of these men are lowkey jealous of women and have a hatred of them bc we are "allowed" to be with men and they can't... Like the way many of these men are obssesed with feminity and think any woman not shaving or wearing pants or prioritizing work is masculine.. If there's a group of men obssesed with hyper feminity is gay men, that's why they like those hyper femenine pop stars like Lana del Rey, I just feel these conservative men wish they could be one of the lolita stay at home gf coquette girlies lol.

That's also why I think it's funny when these conservative guys make fun of leftist men for wearing nail polish or being feminist or being pro-lgbt and imply they're gay. These men are not the ones having scandals for being closeted gay lol it's always the right wingers. At least leftist men don't have issues accepting their sexuality - you'll in fact find guys trying to hide their heterosexuality to be trans inclusive like the guys who say their pansexual bc they like "cis women, trans men and afab nonbinaries." lol And many times conservative men have been found to be closeted it's rarely through something more "innocent" like holding a man's hand, it's always something like participating in a gay orgy, or being with a prostituted man (or boy 🤢) or watching trans porn (even though they denounce porn and say it makes men less manly... One has to laugh).

Controversial take, but there's nothing less revolutionary or subversive in male gayness. Homosexuality is the peak of male narcissism and this tracks back to the dawn of time. Greeks & romans were huge male homosexuality apologetic societies. And *pikachu face* they were also patriarchal and pedophiles. Funny how those are often linked.

History is just repeating itself. Conservatives are actually consistent in trying to get back in their old way of those old times. Those maga/redpiller account with greek statue are such glaring giveaways.... lol

I think conservatism is pretty coherent with a form of patriarchal misogynist homosexuality.

I'm not surprised by those stories of closeted gays caught in 'extreme' situations, I guess that's what unchecked & unhealed sexual frustration will do to you

Yeah I remember that moid and talked about him here lol I think tiktokers dug out some statements he previously made where he said back in highschool he had a crush on one of his teammates or coach?? His Instagram is pretty zeisty too👀 There's something definitely fishy with him..his speech screamed like some major copium. Something tells me that since he struggled with his sexuality, he now wants to impose the same sexual control onto women. He's definitely not one of those people who "recovered" from homosexuality

And you know what? I think everyone would benefit having more sexual continence, but dude messed up by compelling women (and only women) to do the opposite and jumpinto marriage and childbearing. He wants to control women into motherhood which is absolutely irresponsible.

I also think the obsession of Conservatives with Epstein super weird. Sure his "suicide" was suspect but it's very suspicious to see them act like he and his list were the only pedo network in the world. Same with Balenciaga. I hate how sensational headlines made people lose focus and forgot that this isssue is more culturally pervasive How many of the ppl who clutched their pearls are the tragic Balenciaga campaigns watch #teen porn? or entertain anime lolicon/cute japanese girl fetish? shame grown women for looking old and not forever looking like prepubescent girls? Balenciaga wouldn't have done that campaign is they didn't feel like society was ready to accept it. It thankfully didn't, but it's time for everyone to acknowledge this decision didn't happen out of a vacuum. Society is being groomed into sexual & moral degeneracy, and many of the people who went off at Balenciaga are actually part of the problem.

I'll never forget how conservatives almost unanimously defended Andrew Tate because sex trafficking & rape is apparently okay as long as the victims are not children somehow🤡