#i'm david hasselhoff

[myflagmeansace]

OMG OMG STEDE IS WET 🫠

😭 the droplet of water 💧 the soaked tight pants 😭

[suzcatonmars]

toxic love-hate relationship w this drawing but I'm gonna keep posting it anyway

[stars-over-new-jersey]

Baywatch S3E12: "A Matter of Life and Death" Come to think of it how do short lifeguards reach the can when they need it?

[whosname]

Sometime ago I told @sebfreak, Zura is the Joi4's horse girl. Look, I don't know how to draw horses and, frankly, they scare the hell out of me; but I needed this out of my brain.

[firedragon1321]

A Present From Reddit

[im-a-doctor-not-a-priest]

Love that my pinterest feed has figured out that I like Knight Rider and has decided to show me every single photo of David Hasselhoff that has ever existed

[sceletaflores]

woo, my baby's got me all mixed up!

feat: logan howlett & wade wilson

contains: 18+ SMUT MDNI, fem!reader, swearing, a bastard doomed polycule, more of 'why have just one bf when you can two bf's and why have just two bf's when you can have two bf's that are also each other’s bf's???', p in v, double penetration, one (1) single use of daddy, creampie(s), fingering...kind of (fem!receiving), oral sex, face sitting, face fucking, straight up nasty porn w/ zero plot, no use of y/n.

nat’s note: this is a shorter one-shot but i can't not format it like a full fic i have to or i'll get hives. this is also just pure freak nasty gross actually probably the filthiest thing i've ever written that i thought up off too much nyquil pm last night. kisses!

wade gets to whiskin’ (and logan's there too)…

"You're killing me babe," Wade groans lowly, cheek pressed to the slick skin of your inner thigh. "If my balls didn't feel like they just got the shit beat out of them in a back alley I'd be as hard as David Hasselhoff watching David Hasselhoff movies."

His hand is at work between your thighs, thick index finger slipped into your sensitive, puffy pussy.

It should gross you out that he loves doing this so much. It should make your stomach twist with all the unpleasant feelings a normal person might get.

It should, but it doesn't.

The familiar stretch is lost from taking Logan and Wade at the same time, a rare thing in your sex life because of how big they both are. But you were in a mood tonight.

Your pussy still clenches around him, trying in vain to tighten up, not used to feeling so empty.

The subtle pressure of Wade’s finger toes the line between pleasure and the sharp burn of 'almost too much' as it swirls along the sensitive walls of your pussy.

The first time he did it you were too fucked out of your mind to do anything other than ask what the hell he was doing.

"Gotta mix it up babe," was his reply, as easy as anything. "Don't want the baby batter to curdle, if you know what I mean."

Your heart stopped, flames lapping their way up your body as Wade scooped the thin line of come trickling from your abused hole to fuck it back in, back where it belonged.

It was so filthy, so depraved that it made you go liquid between your legs.

Your eyes almost immediately slid over to Logan, ready to see him shaking his head in irritation like he usually did whenever Wade ran his mouth in bed. You found nothing, no deep grimace or raised brow in sight.

There was an unmistakable heat in his gaze that matched your own, the inky black of his pupils blown so wide you could hardly see the hazel of his irises.

The casual raise of his right shoulder when he met your eye was undermined by the way his cock started to harden where it laid against his thigh, effectively tattling on him.

It told you all you needed to know about how he really felt watching Wade between your spread legs. That alone was enough to get you ready to go all over again.

It sort of became a thing after that.

"I'm not even doing anything..." you mumble breathlessly, your voice barely above a whisper.

"Don't have to baby," Logan purrs from behind you, lips pressed to the top of your head. His hand skimming down the side of your body is enough to make goosebumps pebble along your skin, "Look perfect just like this."

It's been hours now, but they're still going. You're convinced that the two of them are the world's biggest horndogs, just once is never enough.

You lost track of tonight's rounds sometime after number five, not counting mouth and hand stuff of course. And it's starting to catch up to you, you’re tired, spent.

Wade curls his finger just right, brushing against the spot inside you that has a broken whine passing through your grit teeth. Your thighs start to tremble as a smug grin spreads across his face.

"Yeah, there it is," he teases, his voice low. He keeps the tip of his finger snug against that spot, rubbing firm circles over the sensitive nerves. "That's that spot ain't it, gorgeous."

"Wade," you mewl, hands fisting the sheets as you fight to keep still. You're worried too much squirming will make their come start dripping out around Wade's wrist, and you can't have that.

There’s a sudden silence to your right, the heaviness of it pulling at your attention. You shift slightly, catching the faintest rustle of movement from Logan.

His breath is warm against the crown of your skill, his strong chest still plastered to your back—but he's too quiet, too still. You tilt your head just enough to peek at him out of the corner of your eye, and the sight alone is almost enough to make you come on the spot.

Logan is leaning against the headboard lazily, arm that isn't circled around your waist snaking down his own with the hard length of his cock in his hand.

Your mouth waters at the sight of him, red and leaking pre-come all over his knuckles each time he twists his fist over the thick head. Your hips grind down unconsciously, a needy moan falling from your parted lips. The wet sound of it has your cheeks burning, eyes fixed on the way his heavy balls bounce with each rough tug, still so full.

"Fuck, that's it," Wade murmurs, slipping a second finger inside you while he presses a shit-eating grin to the soft skin of your lower stomach. "You like it when daddy jerks off while I'm knuckle deep in you?"

"Watch it," Logan mutters warningly, tone gone low and dark as spilled ink. His hand doesn't slow, the loose grip of his fist slipping up and down his dripping cock in time with the slick squelch of your pussy.

Your hips buck up against Wade’s hand, a loud whine tearing from your chest at the dirtiness of this whole thing. The familiar heat starts to stir in your belly, your pussy drooling more mess over his wrist the longer he plays with you.

Wade barely muffles his chuckle against your hip, dropping a quick kiss there before pulling his soaked fingers from your velvety warmth. You whine at the loss, but he doesn’t pay it any mind.

You’ll both get what you want soon enough.

"Alright, we should all know the drill by now people," he announces to you and Logan with a loud clap, pulling away from between your thighs to roll flat onto his back.

“Time to hop on the saddle, John Wayne,” he finishes, giving your ass a loving tap.

Logan snorts into your hair, dropping his cock to grab your hips and gently manhandle you until you’re situated directly over Wade’s face while Logan kneels in front of you. The jut of his cock bobbing inches away from your mouth.

Wade’s greedy fingers pry your swollen lips apart to watch the way his and Logan’s come starts to seep out from you, falling to drip onto his bare chest. He blows over the wet length of you, the cool air from his mouth has your hips twitching down in search of any friction you can get.

“Not so fast,” he scolds lightly, grinding his knuckle against the wet seam of you. Your nails dig crescent moons into his scarred shoulders, threatening to break the skin.

“You’ve gotta savor this moment, hot stuff,” he says slowly, leaning up to press a kiss directly over your throbbing clit. “You got the best seat in the house, don’t take it for granted–”

"Enough," Logan grunts, heavy hands falling on your shoulders to push you down on Wade's face, fully closing the gap. "Quit runnin' your damn mouth and make our girl feel good, red."

Wade's hands tighten their hold on your thighs, his hips bucking up off the mattress like he can't help it. His surprised moan rumbles against your clit, loud and shameless.

You cry out at the first drag of his tongue over your aching pussy, hot and wet as it slides through your dripping slit. You pitch forward, too caught up in pleasure to think clearly as you take Logan’s cock into your mouth. You take him all the way down to the root in one swift move, burying your nose in the dark hair surrounding the base. 

"Fuck," Logan bites out, eyes twisting shut as he feels your warm throat enveloping him. He takes your hair in his fist gently, just holding it as you swallow around him. 

Your hands move to rest on his thick thighs, nails scratching over the hair scattered along his skin. His breath shutters in his chest, his hips rolling forward ever so slightly, chasing the tight heat of your mouth.

The mix of your tongue tracing along the sensitive vein on the underside of his cock and the low, wet sounds of Wade devouring you has him pulsing in your mouth.

Your thighs shake on either side of Wade's head, the steady grip of his hands the only thing that keeps you from collapsing into a boneless heap on the mattress.

Your hips twitch the tiniest bit, rocking forward enough to grind your clit over the slope of his nose. He groans under you, squeezing the meat of your thighs in encouragement as he swirls his tongue through the mess dripping from your hole.

“That’s a good girl,” Logan praises gruffly, his hips speeding up. “Shut him up, baby. Make him fuckin’ eat it.”

You squeeze your eyes shut, dragging your pussy along Wade’s mouth faster. You moan desperately around your mouthful, brain going hazy around the edges.

The frantic pace you set only makes their come leak from you faster, dripping down Wade’s face faster than he can keep up, and there's just so much.

A steady, thick stream of it that feels almost never ending thanks to Logan coming like he busted a pipe and absolutely flooding your insides every single time.

Wade doesn’t seem deterred in the slightest though, swirling his tongue along you with a new sense of urgency. His hands grip your hips tighter, his blunt nails digging into your skin deliciously as he slurps and sucks with unbridled enthusiasm, chasing every drop of come.

He’s sloppy with it, come sliding down his cheeks and chin in thin rivers of white.

Logan’s rough breath hitches above you, his fingers tightening in your hair as you take him deeper, hollowing your cheeks just the way he likes. His growl sends a thrill down your spine.

"C'mon, Wilson," Logan grunts, his hips speeding up. When you peer up at him, you can see the goading smile that just barely tugs the corner of his mouth up.

“Spitters are quitters, you know that."

tags are now in the comments! if you want to get tagged for any of my works just fill out this form!

[musicalsiphonophore]

I've barely seen any yeti crab content on here and this is very disappointing because look at these fluffy little guys!!!

They live at deep-sea hydrothermal vents.

This means there's no photosynthesis where they are. SO WHAT DO THEY EAT????

They rely on chemosynthesis instead - i.e. types of bacteria which can create biomass (I feel like you can't create biomass? But I'm not sure what to call it so this is what we're going with!) without any sunlight necessary. They use chemicals from the hydrothermal vent. later edit: they produce energy

Best of all. They grow the bacteria on the fluff!! The fluff is a bacteria home!! And when the crabs need to eat they comb through the fluff and eat the bacteria.

They wave their claws around inside the hydrothermal vent because that is what is best for the bacteria, even though they risk getting burnt

There's a type of yeti crab which is called a Hoff Crab and it's named after David Hasselhoff because it has a hairy chest as demonstrated below

in conclusion they are very cool

[mcflymemes]

THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS MOVIE (2004) PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the film, adjust as necessary

my eyes!

pull up your pants, [name]. we're going home.

did you see my underwear? did you want to?

i love being purple.

his chops are too righteous.

you don't need a license to drive a sandwich.

it's some kind of wall of psychic energy.

you two dipsticks wouldn't last ten seconds over the county line.

we paid nine dollars for this?

who turned on the ac?

i suppose i can't execute you.

that's it! i'm through with messing around!

are men afraid of anything?

hey, you know, i actually feel a little better.

i don't even remember why i was sad.

wow, the pressure is already setting in.

your life is in our hands.

hey, look! free ice cream!

i'm making a complete what of myself?

wait, how did you know my name?

eww, i think i stepped in something.

you know, david hasselhoff was a great artist.

stalling? i'm not stalling anything.

are they laughing at us?

don't worry. this'll only hurt a lot.

after going on your life-changing journey, you now realize that you don't want what you thought you wanted. what you really wanted was inside you all along.

are you crazy?

i was just going to say that your fly is down.

this is the greatest day of my life!

i haven't felt this giddy since the day you agreed to be my wife.

lord knows i've tried.

all bubble blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar.

i'm supposed to get a toy with this.

i am 100% man!

there. i think i made my point.

you said it yourself, this is man's country. and let's face it. we're just kids.

we don't belong out here.

we do not worship him!

oh... it's evil. it's diabolical. it's lemon-scented!

i got you right where i want you.

can i help you with something?

i've been hired to exterminate you.

you caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so i'm gonna let you off with a warning.

they were fake?

of course they were fake!

uh, perhaps i've said too much.

that's a big boot.

hold on there, baldy.

oh, grow up. what, you think this is a game of kickball on the playground?

you never had a chance to defeat me!

i'm an evil genius. and you're just a kid.

i guess you're right.

you know, i've been through a lot in the past six days, five minutes, twenty seven and a half seconds.

if i've learned anything during that time, it's that you are who you are.

that's great. now get back against the wall.

i did what everyone said a kid couldn't do!

all right, we get the point!

okay, settle down. take it easy.

too bad [name] isn't here to enjoy [name] not being here.

i couldn't agree more.

there's something i need to say first. i just don't know how put it.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Peter Quill has ADHD. Sorry, but it's true. I don't make the rules.

He's:

Emotionally reactive (like snapping and punching Thanos)

Listens to music constantly, even while doing important things and especially when he has any free time whatsoever (stimulation seeking)

Afraid of abandonment, i.e his reaction to Ego, feeling threatened by Thor, and his behavior towards New Gamora (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)

Comes up with unconventional plans that others are skeptical of, though they actually work, i.e his dance-off with Ronan (neurodivergent thinking)

Works better under-pressure - or rather only works under pressure (first battle scene of GOTG3)

Being overall impulsive

Has fixations/special interest on certain topics - in his case, David Hasselhoff and other forms of pop culture

Stims sometimes, i.e throwing the orb around in GOTG1 and tossing around another type of orb in GOTG3 (that I will not name here for spoiler reasons)

Questions authority and arbitrary rules to the point of being seen as careless or disobedient

He talks so much omg he talks so much, ie. calling people long strings of insults, using talking as a distraction (and surprisingly out of most of the male characters in the MCU) talks to emotionally vent.

He's literally funny in a way only ADHD people can be and im sorry but i mean that ('You're from Earth?' - 'I'm not from Earth, I'm from Missouri.')

He'd absolutely find this list too long to read and would skim it.

[suzcatonmars]

Happy fortieth anniversary to Goliath('s horn) Returns!

[stars-over-new-jersey]

Baywatch S3E07: "Point Doom" I have. no. words.

[itseasytoremember]

Weird celebrity encounters I've had:

Took an elevator with David Byrne, I was in a wheelchair and he asked about what it was like wearing an air boot. I said "are you David Byrne?' and he went "sometimes"

One time, while getting out of a cab, Alan Cumming asked me to hold the door for him. I did. He slipped into the cab, I closed the door, I looked at him and mouthed "Alan cumming?" And he blew me a kiss.

David Hasselhoff sent me flying at fanexpo. I had crutches BC I had a broken leg, but I was cosplaying Jack Frost and would drop my crutches for photos. I bent down to pick them up and the next thing I know I'm laid out on my stomach. Then this huge (60+ year old) man just lifts me up like I'm a fucking baby, apologising up and down. He fucking then carries me to a security golf cart and drives me to the panel I was headed to.

The first and only time I was at times square they had shut it down because they were filming a flash mob thing for a movie (its like 2010 that's normal at the time) these two ladies in front of me are going "omg I think that's justin Timberlake! Omg justin over here!! Behind me, a guy laughs and goes "that's not Justin Timberlake" I turn around and the dude who said that was fucking Justin timberlake. He goes 🤫 and gets into a black car.

[teal-skull]

I'm looking at the wikipedia list of Jekyll and Hyde adaptations (and immediately notice that The search for Henry Jekyll is missing) and I find it funny that after 1900, there is like a 90 year gab before Jekyll and Hyde had a stage adaptation and that's when Jekyll and Hyde the musical came roaring to give birth to endless number of gothic theater kids and traumatizing blessing the J&H fandom with David Hasselhoff's performance as Jekyll/Hyde

Also looking at this list like: "hmm, if I was still in my unhinged Jekyll and Hyde era, I might just start strategically watching all of the ones I can get my hands on... Why didn't I find this list when Jekyll and Hyde was my whole life? ... Would it be insane if I started to do that now?"

[str8aura-no-not-that-one]

so, no normal rabbits are seen in Hop 2011, only weird CGI ones. When Fred hits EB with his car, he doesn't go 'holy shit, a rabbit with human eyes and a shirt on', he goes 'fuck I hit a wild rabbit'. With this, can it then be assumed that all rabbits in Hop are mostly bipeds that wear clothes and are as expressive as a human, and its only the fact that EB talks that makes him strange? if this is the case, it can be assumed that all rabbits (and possibly chickens) can talk, and are simply upholding a masquerade over the humans because... I don't know. Even EB's ability to speak is dubiously impressive, because a number of bystanders see him talk and react with only mild surprise, like the waitress who gets him his food at a public diner or David Hasselhoff. when he gets onto Hoff's show, his talent that makes him television worthy is being a drum prodigy, rather than being a talking rabbit, although I'm sure they also advertised that fact if its at the least uncommon. But! If rabbits can talk to humans, but simply prefer not to for some reason, there's no reason Fred should have been shocked when EB begged for his life (which seems like a good reason to break such a lax and unregulated masquerade), or even tried to kill him with a rock in the first place. if only Easter island rabbits can talk, and the rest of the species more closely resembles the Pink Berets (Ie can vocalize and move with clear intelligence, but don't actually speak any human languages), it still seems unethical to kill one with a rock (or cook one, as we later see EB using a cooked rabbit as bait without much existential concern), but I can at least see Fred doing it because Fred is awful. Magic exists in this universe, as is seen at the end of the movie when it turns Carlos into a rabbit bird hybrid, so its possible that the magic of Easter Island is granting normal rabbits the power of speech, although 'normal' still means wearing clothes in the Hopverse. Ergo, it can be assumed that normal rabbits are understood to be very intelligent but still animals (much like dolphins or apes) in this film's universe, and the debate of whether or not killing rabbits is immoral (which it is) rages in the background of the film's universe, and Fred is staunchly on the side of 'kill them, they're just vermin', which you'd think would drive a wedge between him and EB as coworkers

[triviallytrue]

I'm moving different. This shit ain't nothing to me man. I'm a dog. I'm biting the fart bubbles in the bath. We smoking symbiotes. Smoking that Whoopi Goldberg South Egyptian Furburger Deluxe Mega Million Scratcher Skunk Bubba Kush. We smoking dung beetle. I'm on twelve Vicodins smoking on Scooby Doo dick. We smoking Sequoia banshee boogers? We snorting that good buffalo soldier tamarind Jordanian Jibbies. They must have amnesia, they forgot that I'm Him. That Burberry backwoods pack kitten that pussy smell, like a Hellcat VH. We smoking shit in a glass pipe blowing the Lord's bubbles. I'm sick in the head. I'm on them Broward County tic tacs. I'm on them Georgetown geronimos. I'm on them Nashville nibblers. I left my Margielas in the Benz truck, I'll have to stunt on them next time. I don't give a fuck if I go blind. I don't need to see the price tag anyway. We s- I'm high on twelve Jason Bournes looking to beat the cum out of a thick fresh hoe. We smoking filtered crack you stupid piece of shit. I'll fucking kill you. Call that pussy The Matrix cuz I'm in this bitch, and I can't get out. Last guy who ran off on the pack got choked out by some Givenchy gloves. The last thing he ever saw was the price tag on them. Slowly faded into darkness, and I let the archangels take him. I need more Sequoia banshee boogers! Don't be shy girl, I love me some, pastrami mud flaps. I'm moving like French Montana. Hæh? Welcome to the cream kingdom bitch, open up! Blac Chyna, I drink her piss out of another man's balls. My shooter a crackhead, he look like Woody Herrelson. You ain't seen ten bands in your life, chit! Reach for my neck you'll get turned into an example. Y'all gotta stop playing with me man. I threw diamonds at the strip clubs under the Great Pyramids. I pushed a camel through the eye of a needle. This shit ain't nothing to me man. Tied the opps to the back of a track hog. And dragged him around the block for twenty four hours. Motherfucker! Looked like a Resident Evil 5 campaign extra after we was done with him. Opps wanted some initiative, blew up their entire quadrant. I'm moving like Oppenheimer. She drop that ass on me from an egregarious angle, they thought I was Steven Wallace. Top shelf zaza, disrupted my circadian rhythm. I have seen the Magna Carta, I have seen the eye of Horuh. I was flipping bricks for Mansa Musa before you all even became a type 1 civilization. This shit ain't nothing to me you stupid piece of shit. Step the wrong way and you will perish. That pussy feel like Biscoff butter. You think I care about this shit? Ask me if I care about this shit, cuz I don't give a shit. If I had a dollar for every time they said I gave a shit, I'd be broke, cuz I don't give a shit. My bitch look like David Hasselhoff. I balled so hard they thought I was a fucking nutsack. This shit ain't nothing to me man I'll kill you you stupid piece of shit

dracula flow is the spiritual complement to the northern boys