#i'm big on cooperation i kind of love people but also anxiety

[careful-fear]

i've always wanted like, a book club, or a writing club. but chill and small. people are scary

[albatris]

Hiii tell me all about Nat I love him sm

:D!!!

Hi hello! Absolutely I can tell you about Nat! I’m glad you like him and thank you for the question!!

Here is a big ol' chunk of words, some bits I've nabbed from other posts, too :3

Nathaniel Felix Finch, a good boy, a sweet boy! He’s the protagonist of our silly little horror trilogy, much to his dismay

He’s 25 years old and works at Stop ‘N’ Go 24/7 Petrol and Convenience, where he is prone to falling asleep on the register and shoplifting (both encouraging it and participating in it <3). He’s a bit of a hermit, not because he doesn’t want friends, but because he’s awkward, anxious and paranoid. He’s got schizotypal personality disorder like me, so it’s tough for him to engage with the world and feel comfortable

His story kicks off when he wakes up on the side of the road in his rental car covered in dirt with no memory of the past nine days. All attempts to return to regular life are quickly thwarted when it becomes apparent he’s turning into something inhuman and ravenous. He spends a week in agony and coughing up blood and almost passing out in public and being starving and existing in constant sensory overload… which reaches a gory climax when he kills and eats someone in a botched robbery of his petrol station and he's like Ah Fuck Apparently I’m A Vampire Somehow And I Just Ripped Someone’s Throat Open I’m Going To Go Have A Panic Attack Now

He is yoinked from mortal peril by shifty fucking bastard with a mile long list of ulterior motives perfectly ordinary kind selfless human person Quinn Cooper, and a bonkers plot ensues <3 Book one mostly sees Nat struggling with his new condition and trying to figure out what happened in his blackout and why he got vampired, and slowly uncovering the grim secrets Quinn is hiding. Book two and three wander into more “Nat Finch Is Going To Kill And Eat Vampire God (The Garble)” territory

What to say about Nat… hm…

He’s an excited, friendly, cuddly lad, if you can get past his layers upon layers of anxiety! He loves people although he’s afraid of them, and believes people are good and that he can do good in the world. He’s prone to bouts of depression and apathy on occasion, though, and especially struggles to balance his kind, gentle nature with the fact that he now has to eat people to survive. He's got a big existential crisis coming hahahaha

He loves animals! He regularly donates to wildlife charities despite not having that much money to begin with, and used to volunteer at a cat café for rescue cats (with Yvonne, another of our main characters!), and only stopped due to his social anxiety. He has a sweet little rescue kitty named Grub, who's just the scrungliest ugliest thing you've ever seen (he'll cry if he hears you say that, though). He's been a vegetarian since he was 17, and still considers himself one despite the fact that he's now an entire vampire who preys on humans. So you get like..... bits in the story where Nat drains some guy like a capri sun then the next day is like "no I can't come to check out the new Korean BBQ place with you Quinn I'm a vegetarian :((( you'll have to take someone else :((("

He's also a good cook and especially loves cooking for other people and sharing meals! This is one of the most common ways he shows affection :3 If Nat drills you about your favourite food and offers to cook it for you sometime, this means he wants to be friends :-) Most of his dishes are vegetarian, but if he really, really likes you he’ll cook meat as long as you ask nicely

He loves to be useful! He’ll gladly rush around and help with errands or putting furniture together or organising things. If you tell him you appreciate him or he did a good job he will bask in that compliment for weeks like a golden retriever that’s just been told it’s a good boy haha

Tragically he can be a bit of a doormat, especially at the start of the story. Though he pretended to be fine with his solitary lifestyle and loneliness, he’s always desperately wanted connection and friendship, and this makes him prone to letting people take advantage of him or manipulate him.... purely because at least that way he feels "useful", and they're more likely to keep him around...... he improves a lot on this front, though, so don't fret! We get to see the lad's self-esteem improve! He initially doesn't really like himself that much, but the story gets to see him come into his own and find his values and worth....! He's a good, kind, intelligent person with a lot to offer, he just takes a while to figure it out!

Oh also he's a huuuuge drama queen and is completely willing to play up being sad and pathetic to get what he wants <3 this is an important Nat Fact to know

Hmmmmm.......... what else......

So, it becomes clear as the story goes on, he’s not exactly a regular vampire… he can access a lot more of the Garble hivemind’s power than other vampires can, which left unchecked can result in an overload of power affectionately referred to as Monster Mode Nat :P a big ol’ body horror vampire creecher! Violent and aggressive and jumpy, out of control. It’s usually a state of intense fear for him, something that occurs when he’s in very dire straits, when he or his friends are threatened, etc etc… a Nat too far in Protector Mode, basically, that can easily become dangerous even for the people he's meant to be defending. He is still able to recognise Friends, though it takes him more effort, but struggles to make sense of unfamiliar people as anything other than resources, food or threats

As far as regular vampire Nat in the day-to-day goes, he's prone to all the usual vampire instincts. He’s got extra anxiety and paranoia and jumpiness on top of what he already had, he's got that usual insatiable insufferable vampire curiosity, he loves to bask and be cosy and snuggle with friends. He can purr and it's extremely cute. He has a moderate to severe allergic reaction to sunlight though it won't kill him immediately, he struggles with garlic much to his despair as a cook, n he has an extremely high prey drive that he has to work very hard to manage

Oh and Nat mostly preys on rich pricks and abusive bosses, as well as the occasional creeps at bars, which is very valid of him <3

Anyway yeah! This has been Nat Posting with Monday! I hope you have enjoyed these Nat Facts <3

[lultimagoccia]

Knowing your partner well can potentially make writing together a lot easier

Name: castoro. cast for short!

Pronouns: they / them.

Preference of communication: dms are good! i do have a discord, just know i can be slow to reply to messages thanks to Bad Memory Brain + Low Social Battery. i promise i do wanna talk to people and rp, just really goin' through it with my exciting brain struggles.

Name of muse: giuseppe ’ peppino ’ sacchetti spaghetti.

Experience/how long (months/years?): i've been making up stories and embodying characters who aren't me basically my entire life. i honestly don't know who i'd be without fun pretendy times. in terms of online rp, i've been goin' since i was 13, so almost 20 years at this point. i've been on tumblr since 2011, and before that, i've used forums, chatboxes, online messengers, deviantART notes, i've done it all!

Best experience: a forum rp based on the movie " 9 " by shane acker. met some truly incredible people through that experience ( including my gf with whom i had a beautiful baby! ) and just overall had a great time weaving this big intricate plot together that spanned many months. i miss that level of cooperative plotting and threading, it was really fun and engaging.

RP pet peeves/dealbreakers: admittedly i very rarely unfollow / break a mutual with someone, so my threshold of tolerance is fairly high. i understand everyone has their bad days and that sometimes the only place a person can blow off steam or unwind is in the rpc. that said, i steer clear of people that display a consistent level of callousness, unkindness, or overall rude behavior ooc. i don't care how good a person's writing is, rp is a social hobby and if a person is gonna treat fellow players like shit all the time, nobody owes them interactions. no ooc / ic divide is also a big deal breaker.

Muse preference (fluff, angst or smut?): i find i really enjoy charged interactions, either moments of action or elevated emotion. i love seeing what happens when two muses just talk and share some really interesting chemistry that naturally progresses the plot. of course i love fluff and angst and all, but those kinds of things work best when i'm really invested in the muses earning that moment of sweetness after a lot of struggle or fighting their way through a hard time together. i love smut in theory, but i'm mega shy about writing it with new people. i think the stuff i enjoy in an erotic context is just so deeply personal, it's hard to share casually unless i really trust the other mun and gel with their writing style.

Plots or memes: for sure memes, i'm horrible at plotting out ideas unless i'm super familiar with the other person and their muse. i love brainstorming ideas and seeing where those vibes go, rather than planning out details of what's gonna happen.

Long or short replies: somewhere in - between i'd say. just depends on the rhythm of the scene and what best keeps things moving.

Best time to write: usually when i'm caffeinated and have had a nap. fully restored and ready to shift into Focus Mode babey.

Are you like your muse: while i can def relate to his struggles with intense anxiety and all the incredibly inconvenient ways that it manifests, i'm not a lot like pepp. which has proven to be a fun writing challenge, tbh! i enjoy trying to get into the heads of characters with their own set of morals and beliefs separate of my own, try to understand why they think and act like they do.

tagged by: @crvptd said do, so i do tagging: u

[ssemicharmedlivingg]

Who am I?

(I wrote this yesterday, 5/9/2024, while dealing with some interruptions so it’s unfinished. For some reason I still wanted to post though so here we are.)

I've never really known. I don't mean it to sound like the stereotypical “Millennial Lost Girl.” Even though I guess that's exactly what I am. Part of it is my generation, sure; of course I’m going to be shaped by 9/11 and The Great Recession and so on—just like other generations are shaped by The Great Depression, Cold War, Civil Rights Movement, you get it. So yes, part of my aimlessness and anxiety are related to those things. Blah blah blah millennial nonsense.

Beyond that though, I just truly have no idea who I am... I was never part of a sports team growing up. I did things here and there—a couple years of guitar, gymnastics, dance, yoga, acting—you get the picture. I liked a lot of things, but nothing so much that I was interested in committing fully to. When my parents tried to force me to join the middle school basketball team (which is part of a whole other story), the coach said something during conditioning that stuck with me. It was something basically to the effect of, “ We have either practice or a game or both six days a week. The only reason it isn't seven is we're required by law to give you a break." Now, I already didn't want to join the team for other reasons, but even if I had wanted to that line would've ruined it. I still remember thinking to my 11 year old self, “Uhhh… This is *middle school* basketball. It’s not that serious.” So naturally I tanked tryouts by pretending to think they only lasted one day, not three. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I ever told my parents about that. Well guys, if you’re reading this, now you know.

I digress. I've never had a "look” of my own—I have zero idea how to put together an outfit to begin with, but I also like a lot of different styles (and let’s not even get started on finding clothes that fit well); my makeup skills are limited to mascara and sloppy eyeshadow; I am lucky in that I have a lovely shade of red hair, but it's thinning and always frizzy with baby hairs and doesn't like to cooperate. I end up wearing the same kind of combo of tank top/shorts/flipflops during warmer months and hoodie/sweater/leggings with either boots or sneakers. For a a while I had my extensions in and did things other than a messy bun (and these days it’s not a cute messy bun. Ever.) but the depression and then the big sick kicked in and well. I'm wearing a lot of hats these days.

And my friends. I am so blessed to have so many beautiful, supportive, funny, amazing friends—many of whom are more like family. Really I could go on and on forever about the truly fantastic people I'm surrounded by. And I am lucky enough to make friends wherever I go. None of that is lost on me so I don't mean this to sound ungrateful by any means ever. But like I'm also just a bit of an outsider in any friend group I’m in. Family too. I know that they love me, but I'm not as close to everyone as they they are to each other. It's changing a bit with everything going on; and since I’ve been able to join family Zoom more regularly. But it's still there in my head. I still sometimes feel like a bumblebee buzzing around, trying to bop my way into being fully accepted as part of the group. Again, I know that no one does this on purpose and I really am loved. Sometimes there’s just history and bonds and whatever else that you just can’t compete with.

There's work too. I know I'm a good bartender. And people like me as one. But why am I doing it? I went to college but I was a complete mess with zero clue who fell for a boy and never even thought about the future. So I dropped out. I could have been somebody. Like my cousins.

I've always just kind of felt l’m floating along in life. Just sort of hovering around, never really having a place in life. Just. Always slightly unsure. Slightly on the outside.

[7soulstars]

Hello :) I hope it's okay to send a request (if not, then I'm sorry about it ) So maybe where Bucky lives on Clint's farm to get away from everything but then there comes this woman, Clints best friend besides Nat and he immediately wants to know her better.. after a while they get really close and develope feelings for each other but dont talk about it. So one night, she stays over and needs to share a room with Buck, things get heated and passionate between them ? :) then it's all cuddly? ❤️

Hey darling! Thank you so much for requesting! I am so sorry it took me so long! I blame it on my lazy ass and also on the many pending requests. Thank you so much for being this patient with me! I really hope you like this one!

Мой целитель

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Broken Bonky Babie, Avengers are teasing little shits, Steve leaves like in the movies and doesn’t come back (I want to kill him for that), Fluff, Shy Bonky and Y/N, Liddle angst, Both idiots doubt themselves, Y/N likes beating the fuck out of bullies a.k.a Violence, steamy stuff but not smut ( cuz I don’t write smut”

Summary: Someone managed to make Bucky accept the fact that everyone can heal. 

..............

Мой целитель ; (pronounced: Moy tselitel') Russian for My Healer

War never ends. It just rests. One day someone will come to ask your help that is when the rest of war is over again.

That is what Bucky has always been of the belief ever since before and after endgame. Ever since Steve left, most of Bucky did too. Yes, he had Sam and the others but Steve was the only part of his original past left and he couldn’t even stop him.

He decided that the rest period for his war conflicted heart had started when Clint had offered him a place to live at his farmhouse to ‘heal and stay away from the space bullshit’. 

Not to brag but he had fit right into the little family. The kids loved Uncle Bucky and Laura appreciated the extra help she got with the house. Sam and Natasha would come by every two days and the rest every once a week. They would go visit a bar and hang out. That was Bucky’s life now. That was his routine.

Clint had sudddenly announced one fine weekly team hangout day that his long time best friend would be joining them. Bucky couldn’t care less. He had seen people come in and out of the Barton house all the time. Most sending him glares due to his past. He couldn’t blame them. Not when he knew he would do the same in different set of circumstances.

But he was proved wrong. Y/N was an angel. More so to him. Not a single glare was directed at him by her the entire time. She just smiled sweetly. Maybe he did care a little bit.

Y/N turned out to be Lila and Cooper, Clint’s first two children’s godmother. She had finally come home after 15 years of being in and out of the country for her job. Clint had mentioned that every time she came back she would first visit the kids not forgetting to bring them gifts from everywhere and how the snap had worried her. So Bucky was not surprised when he had to get three kids off of her as she entered the house. His heart swelled when she said ‘Thank You’, although everyone said that. 

He was unusually getting attached to her and that scared him.

After Steve attatchment was difficult. Trust was difficult. But Y/N made it seem like child's play. She somehow completely saw through him. Almost as if she knew everything about him and he was confused by that.

Especially at those little moments when he felt hesitant.

Bucky was a handsome man no doubt and that meant some women were confident enough to ask hit on him everytime he was out at a restaurant or a bar with the others. Y/N would join them quite often and on one such day she saved Bucky from his anxiety issues.

"Hey.....you come here quite often.....can I buy you a drink ?", a very confident girl had managed to come up to the table and asked Bucky who looked at her with eyes as blown out as big as saucers and immediately looked down stuttering as he tried to politely reject the lady. A hand carefully wrapped around his metal arm as he realized Y/N had said "I'm sorry he's taken", before sending the girl as kind smile which had lead to Bucky's hair-hidden neck to go red.

Bucky had excused himself to the washroomas the rest relentlessly teased his popularity but he had not noticed Y/N following suit.

"I'm sorry", she had apologised leaving the other puzzled again. "W-why?" "I should have asked before touching you....I know-I know you don't like being touched....I'm sorry". There was pure sincerity in her voice "NO!",his own voice startled him and her as she looked at him in confusion. "I-I mean I'm glad....You helped me out there......Also.....",there was hesitation in Bucky's heart, "Also....I don't mind if you touch me Y/N".

That day onwards something changed. Significantly so, Bucky found himself calling and hanging out with Y/N more. She filled his thoughts would be one way of saying that and the Avengers noticed. So the next time Bucky tried to sneak out of the farm when the others were there Sam noticed, “Hey Hey Hey ! Where are you sneakin to ?”. The other stood frozen like a deer in the headlights staring down at his best friend like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t be. Nat smirked as she bit on her grilled cheese sandwich sing songing, “He’s going to meet Y/N~~”Bucky grumbled a little ‘Shut up Nat’ before taking the car out towards the bar.

“Buck !”, she had yelled waving as he smiled and pulled her into his arms for a hug and staying like that for a few minutes both eventually hesitantly letting go. Joe the bartender already having set up their regular drinks showed how often they frequented the place, even having seats that were almost always empty for just the two of them. 

After meeting Y/N, Bucky realised new things about himself. He liked sweet stuff more than savoury. He liked playing games at the arcade. He was definately much more open to technology than Steve ever was. He liked being spoiled and babied. And he was extremely serious about board games. He knew all this because Y/N made him realize that.

That day he found out another thing. He likes staring at Y/N looking at the sunset. In other words he likes Y/N. But he had promised himself to not act on it. He didn’t want to loose her. Not now, not ever.

Walking through a dark alley way was not something Bucky liked but with Y/N it was something he was starting to hate. Y/N is beautiful. Obliviously so. He could sense sleazy men staring at her but chose to stay put. But we all know that rouse wasn’t going to stay put for long considering a group of 3 men surrounding the two of them all eyeing Y/N. “Hey sweetheart why don’t you come with us ? We counld have a darn sweet night”, exclaimed the one that looked like the leader as the other two laughed behind him. “Back off”, Bucky had warned. He didn’t want to fight. He felt like he’d embarrass himself before Y/N. “Ohhh look who it is The Winter Soldier”, the other said mockingly. “What are you going to do? Kill me? You don’t have Captain America now to back you up do you ?”. Before Bucky could even reply the third guy let out a scream at which everyone turned to look at him to see him cradling what seemed like a freshly broken wrist and before he could even react the second one went flying into a pile of trash (where he belongs) and the main commentator’s head was being bashed strait onto the road by Y/N’s hand. “No, but he does does have an ex-black ops now turned into a CIA Agent to back him up”, she quipped seethingly through her teeth.

Bucky said nothing. His brain was still processing the information he was bombarded with. He walked Y/N to her car and drove back to Clint’s all while still processing.

So when Sam (who was just about to leave) asks “How was it ?” Bucky looks him in the eye and goes.

“I’m in love with Y/N.”

Tony had decided to prank Clint one fine day and told everyone that Clint was hosting a sleepover. So that meant Clint had to accomodated several idiots into his farmhouse. Within this chaos he also had a very great idea.

So when Y/N was pushed into Bucky’s room both stopped functioning.

Y/N spotted him angrily whispering into is phone as she got out of the shower. Throwing his phone into oblivion ,startled, when she called name out suddenly. “Y-You’re done ? Uhhhh you can take the bed doll, I’ll take the floor”,Bucky hates the floor but if it meant Y/N would be comfortable, he’d be ready to sleep on a block of ice. “Nope definately not ! We can share the damn bed Buck the floor uncomfortable !”, she argued. “ No Y/N you don’t understand I can’t !” “WHY! IS IT BECAUSE I MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE AFTER THAT DAY ?”, there was a grave silence between the two. He knew exactly what she was talking about. Bucky’s eyes soften and for the first time he realizes that he had never thaken the effort to know more about Y/N. He was focused on her helping him find himself. “Why would you say that ?” ,he said softly as he moved towards her and she moved backwards. “Because it is what it is isn’t it?”, she retorted. “NO IT IS NOT !”, Bucky sighed as he sat on the bed and watched the woman of importance as she paced around the room. “Why then Bucky ? You’ve been distant from me since that day....” “You won’t understand.....” “Try me” “I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU OKAY !” 

12 minutes. It had been 12 minutes since Y/N had froze and stared at Bucky. 

“Shut up. You’re lying” , she finally said.

“What ? No ! Why would I lie about that”,Bucky argued

“Because ! You are James Buchanan Barnes ! One of the most attractive men I have seen in my life period.”

“And here I’m the one firmly believing someone like me doesn’t even stand a change with someone as pretty as you.”

“See, you’re lying again”

“Doll, shut up before I will have to make you”, he warned

“Don’t make empty threats that you won’t fulfill James”, she challenged.

And with that Bucky has Y/N slammed into the bed , his mouth moving roughly along her’s as she puts her arms around his. There was something different about this Bucky. Y/N felt every single pent up frustration that the man kissing her had felt supressing his feelings had felt.

Soon enough they seperated, finally gasping for air. Bucky plopped beside Y/N as she placed her palm on his cheek rubbing a thumb over it while smiling at him blissfully. 

“Take my hand

Take my whole life too

For I can't help falling in love with you”

“I love you...”, she said and somehow Bucky knew he had tears running down his cheeks. He curled into her arms. Clint’s loud speakers playing Elvis as the two dozed off to sleep. But Bucky waited for her to doze off, kissing her forehead as he ran his metal arm through her hair.

“Мой целитель, I love you too”, he said. 

He wasn’t alone anymore. He was healed. His internal war had ended forever. That’s all he ever wanted. That’s all he was thankful for.

---The End---

Guess who almost cried writing this fic? That’s right! ME. Now I need myself a Bucky to hug. I really hope you liked this fic and I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH ON HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU BEING SO PATIENT WITH ME! Please like, share, comment and reblog if you like my work to support me ! Please do not plagarise my hard work and thank you so much for reading! 

~Love, Hri

[effeminateboyninja]

💚💚 I would love to be included in the event! 💚💚

- My name's Haileigh, I really don't care if people spell it right though.

- She/her. Aquarius!

- A bit about me? I guess when I get into something I give it all of my attention. Like if I decide to train for something or throw myself into work or school I'll give it 100% until I either finish or burn out, then I tend to drop it and jump onto something else. 😬 Definitely a stoner and love to watch TV or take naps.

- My dream first date is just going to get some take out and go eat in a park? Maybe go on a walk with some coffee. Something low-key, I'm not big into a huge dinner and dressing up.

- I have to pick ONE? Haha. Shikamaru!! I love how laid back he is. I feel like it would balance my sometimes nervous energy.

high on your love - shikamaru + haileigh ♡

you'd been friends with him for years when he finally got the nerve to tell you how he really felt. the truth is everyone had known for years that you belonged with each other, Ino was about to tell you herself before he finally manned up and asked you on a proper date. he'd even made a reservation to impress you, but when he came to pick you up the two of you got to talking, falling into a familiar rhythm of conversation and laughing together until before either of you realized an hour had passed and your seats at the newly opened restaurant were taken. the takeout you settled for tasted just as good as any gourmet meal though, maybe better

loooots of relaxing dates just laying beside one another under the clouds, passing a joint back and forth and discussing whatever comes to mind. when he sees you getting too caught up in your work - avoiding sleep and heading for some inevitable burnout - he'll take your hand and lead you out of the house, ignoring any of your protests or shushing them with kisses as he leads you out to your guys' favourite cloud watching spot in the village and by the time you get there you've forgotten all about your work and the stress, and if you haven't he'll make sure you have by the time you go home

speaking of your dedicated work ethic, as much as it makes him concerned for you sometimes when he finds you up in the wee hours of the night, still tinkering away at some project, it's also one of his favourite qualities. you might appreciate the way his relaxed energy offsets your anxiety when you need it to but he's just as grateful for the way that you inspire him to work hard and stay committed to responsibilities and opportunities that in the past he would've passed up for being too much of a drag. even if he's got less time for slacking off, he loves you for it

when the two of you aren't cloud watching or hanging out with Ino and Choji, you can usually be found snuggled up on the couch in your shared one-bedroom, his head in your lap while you play with his hair or the other way around. he's so happy he found someone who enjoys the kind of laid-back activities that dominate his free time, and there's no one else he would rather be cuddled up beside than you. honestly it takes a bit of convincing to get him to untangle his arms from around your waist so you can get up, but most of the time you don't want to anyway

you've probably binge-watched a hundred series this way, shikamaru and you, too content in your own little world to bother getting out of bed when you have a rare shared day off to spend cuddling and smoking the day away, and more of these days than not he'll turn to you after your fifth episode of the afternoon with that charming smirk, a challenge poised on his tongue. "shogi?" it's his favourite game, of course, but the real reason he suggests it is because he loves the face you make when you're concentrating. and even if you don't win, loser always gets a kiss, so maybe it's worth the loss

It was a perfect day, Shikamaru thought. The weather was cooperating, a light summer breeze blowing through the air to offset the day’s heat, lazily ushering enough puffy white clouds across the sky to make for a pleasant afternoon of cloud watching beside his favourite person away from all the hustle and bustle of the village. It was that time of year again, chunin exams, and Kakashi had been running him ragged making preparations. Thankfully, the first round was over and his responsibility was some other ninja’s business to worry about now leaving him free to finally kick back and give you the attention he thought you deserved. Besides, he knew you needed a break too. Not one to sit around waiting for him to come home he knew you’d probably been working just as hard on your own projects the whole time he’d been busy with the exams, staying up late into the night until you finished whatever it was that had caught your interest. He resolved to ask about it later, he was always interested to know what interesting things you were up to, but right now he just wanted to enjoy the serenity of the moment sitting in the grass with you.

“Are you gonna share that or what?”

The sound of your voice shook him from his pensive state and a smirk crept across his lips, the joint that was propped between them sliding to the corner as he held it there to speak.

“Trade me for it?” he nodded towards the styrofoam container of street food that you were currently munching on.

You returned his sly smirk as you took one last bite and pushed it towards him, putting out an expectant hand for the jay. He chuckled as he passed it over, his fingers lingering a bit on yours as you exchanged goods.

“I’ve missed this,” you admitted, taking a long drag and holding it in, the blissful high setting in immediately upon the exhale.

He laid back on the grass, folding his hands behind his head and sighed, “Tell me about it. I missed you too, running those exams is such a drag.”

You smiled at his misinterpretation of your words, the smoke apparently having already set in for him as well, but didn’t correct him. It’s what you meant anyway. Instead you looked up at the clouds and took another hit, savouring the gorgeous day and enjoying the mild buzz you had going. Shikamaru’s gaze never left the spot where you sat, bringing the joint he’d rolled to your perfect lips every so often. He’d seen the clouds over Konoha enough times to know their beauty, but he never got tired of yours.

After several minutes of admiring you in silence he couldn’t resist it any longer, pushing himself off the ground and pulling the joint from between your finger tips. You looked at him incredulously, about to tell him he could’ve just asked for a puff if he wanted one so bad, but before the words could leave your mouth he was leaning in and pressing his lips to yours and you were glad he’d taken it, because it would’ve just been wasted, falling from your fingers as you leaned into the kiss.

You were breathless when he pulled away, either from the kiss or the drugs, but his words cut through the haze the same way they always did.

“Haileigh?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

//

EVENT REQUESTS ARE OPEN 💚

[gray-is-neutral]

Her

part 2

Dr.Wilson: testing, testing. Hello, this is Dr.Miller it is 10:22am, November 30th. State your name.

Cooper Myers: Hello, my name is Cooper Myers and I am 21 years old.

Dr.Wilson: Very good Mr.Myers. Now I am going to ask you some questions, okay?

Cooper Myers: Of course, I love our time together, doc.

Dr.Wilson: what is your relationship with Seth Myers?

Cooper Myers: Isn't it obvious? Hell he's my carbon copy! I'm his big brother!

Dr.Wilson: Alright and your relationship with the Mendozas?

Cooper Myers: I remember them. Indigo and Aster Mendoza. Pretty girls. ... Don't tell Seth I told you, but he has the biggest crush on Indigo. Not that I blame him. She is fiiine.

Dr.Wilson: Then you must know their older brother, Rowen Mendoza?

Cooper Myers: ...

Dr.Wilson: Mr.Myers?

Cooper Myers: ...

Dr.Wilson: Mr.Myers did you know Rowen Mendoza?

Cooper Myers: Did you know that Seth dated Indigo for a while? It was only because I helped him of course.

Dr.Wilson: Why are you telling me this?

Cooper Myers: Who starts a story at the end, Doctor? No you need to understand the beginning to get the middle and the end. May I tell you the story?

Dr.Wilson: What kind of story is it?

Cooper Myers: A love story.

Cooper Myers: Seth has always been shy and sickly, but I'm not. I am strong, and I protect him. He's not a people person. but I am. I help him in the bedroom department, and I make sure he doesn't let himself go. If I don't do it, no one will.

Dr.Wilson: You sound like a good big brother.

Cooper Myers: I am, and you know it's rude to interrupt a story Doctor. Now, where was I?

Cooper Myers: I also help him when his social anxiety starts getting to him. Years of being bullied will do that to you. One night. All he did was talk about her. "Did you see her? Her hair was in braids today; she's so cute," he had said. "Yup, go talk to her," I tried to tell him, and he almost did, but then he got all clammy. He almost passed out!

Dr.Wilson: And what did you do?

Cooper Myers: I called him a pussy, which didn't help any. I don't know why I thought it would.

Dr.Wilson: What happened then?

Cooper Myers: Well, Seth's cute friend, Marcus came over and invited us over to a party at his place. I tried to tell Seth that we should go, but he was tired and when Seth is tired, he's not going anywhere, but towards a black out.

Dr.Wilson: And after you two went home, what did you do?

Cooper Myers: Oh, Seth went straight to bed, but I stayed up. I was so bored. I had my camera, but you can only take so many pictures of the same house plant-you know? And his phone was being blown up. His cute friend wanted to know where he was. If we were coming.

Dr.Wilson: What did you do then?

Cooper Myers: I went. Mom was gone, so I got in our car. I left a note, of course. Not like Seth was going to miss it. I went, and I drank. A lot, and so did Marcus. And we had fun. I almost got Marcus into bed with me, but before we made it to his room, Indigo showed up with Aster and...

Dr.Wilson: Who was with them, Cooper?

Cooper Myers: ... her boyfriend, cheating bastard.

Dr.Wilson: He cheated on her?

Cooper Myers: Yes.

Dr.Wilson: How do you know?

Cooper Myers: I caught him and some girl behind the bushes. I knew Seth would have been pissed, so I drug him over to Indigo, told her what he did and Aster and I continued to beat his ass.

Dr.Wilson: What happened then?

Cooper Myers: She got all upset, which totally killed the mood between Marcus and I, so after she left. I did too.

Dr.Wilson: Did you go home?

Cooper Myers: No...

Dr.Wilson: Where did you go, Cooper?

Cooper Myers: I love photography.

Dr.Wilson: Yes, I've seen your pictures. You're quite talented. Is that what you did Cooper? You went to take pictures?

Cooper Myers: Yes...

Dr.Wilson: Of what?

Cooper Myers: You have to understand, Seth isn't responsible. It was my idea. I didn't see it as wrong. Mom always said if you leave the curtains open, you're giving out an invitation for the world to watch you. She loves the attention. Why else would she wear a crown of roses? She loved all the eyes to be on her...

Dr.Wilson: What did you do?

Cooper Myers: I took pictures for Seth. She was so beautiful, but then...

Dr.Wilson: Then what Cooper?

Cooper Myers: ...no. Stop.

Dr.Wilson: What? Cooper?

Cooper Myers: I said leave her alone. To stop, but he didn't listen.

Dr.Wilson: Who?

Cooper Myers:...

Dr.Wilson: Cooper?

Cooper Myers:...

Dr.Wilson: Who did you try to tell to stop?

Cooper Myers: Her boyfriend. Rowen didn't know what happened at the party and he let him in. He beat her ass, and completely destroyed her room. Rowen soon figured out what was going on and they fought. Her ex boyfriend escaped through the window and ran off. I couldn't let him to that to my brother's girl.

Dr.Wilson: What did you do?

Cooper Myers: I broke my favorite camera for it's lens, and I went after him. He wasn't hard to find. I found him in an old shed. He had no chance. I was going to cut him, but that would leave evidence, so I choked him instead...

Dr.Wilson:...Cooper...

Cooper Myers: I know that you have taught me a lot about right and wrong, but this time I can say that he had it coming. I gave him a chance to say sorry. To turn himself in, but we all make choices Doctor. He made the wrong one.

[dxmedstudent]

hey! hope your day has treated you kindly. just wondering if you could talk to your 20 year old self, what would you tell her? (i'm turning 20 myself next week and have been literally following you since i was 16- which is crazy. also am a second year medic! i remember i used to bug you with annoying questions about being a doctor back in secondary school haha)

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

It’s been a good day :) I went on a lovely date then spent the evening with my family, and now I’m winding down before getting ready for work tomorrow. Thank you for asking, that’s so sweet of you!  I’m so, so touched that you’ve been following me for that long; that must be since I was more or less a brand new doctor!  I assure you that the asks people send have never bugged me; it’s been fun! If being here and replying didn’t spark joy, I wouldn’t have hung around for so long!

Hmm, I wonder if I would tell my younger self different things than I would tell someone else? Perhaps I’ll try to include a little of both.

General Life Advice:

Don’t buy expensive clothes. Buy affordable clothes, as ethically sourced as you can. Charity shops are great. (I never really ‘do’ designers, but I know lots do)

Buy enough clothes that you don’t have to launder your favourites every couple of days; you’ll be busy and tired.

Buy clothes that require no or minimal ironing. They are worth every penny.

Buy clothes that have stretch; you’ll gain weight or you’ll lose weight. I regret when I put on weight and ‘outgrow’ fitted, non-stretchy clothes, and I hate when I lose weight and the same kind of outfits are baggy. Clothes with a little bit of size leeway serve so much better.

Only accept comfy shoes. Life is too short for painful feet.

Learn to let go of things that you don’t need or want any more; give them to charity, and make space for things you need now. That may mean letting go of the past, and who you were in the past.

Learn to meal prep.

Try not to skip meals you might be busy and tired and stressed, but your body and mind and heart all need fuel.

Accept that you are a flawed individual. You make mistakes, but you can do better.

Listen to others; you’ll learn so much  from people; your patients, your friends, people online with personal stories to share.

Don’t pick every fight with people who aren’t nice; you want to help everyone and save the world, and that’s good. But pick your battles, don’t let it burn you out or make you unwell. You can’t save the world by yourself, and you need to look after yourself to be able to help others.

Learn how to look after your finances. Spreadsheets are great; you can get them to do most of the maths. You can make them as colourful as you like, just keep on top of that stuff.

Get help if you’re not sure about these kinds of things.

Write everything important down in some sort of planner; the busier you get, the more your memory turns to mush. By the time you’re where I am in age/busy-ness, even the most obvious things get forgotten if you don’t write them down.

Always try to make time for the things that are important to you.

Forgive yourself when you get the work/life balance wrong. You are a Work In Progress, after all.

Whoever you are, and wherever you are from, own it. Be proud of the journey that has brought you to where you are.

Go to the GP when you need to. Just... don’t put everything off forever, even if you become a doctor.

Interpersonal relationships:

Look at people’s actions, rather than their words. When you can read a person’s actions, you will learn to spot how often people lie; especally when it comes to dating.

One lie and someone has proved that they are untrustworthy. Don’t keep anyone in your life that you can’t trust.

You’ll probably forgive things you shouldn’t, and look past things that cause you pain, until you can’t look past it any more. Unortunately we all learn by experiencing things and seeing how they turn out; please go easy on yourself when things go badly or you get hurt.

You never deserve pain or being treated badly.

You will recover from a broken heart.

Most people aren’t right for you, whether as friends or as partners, and that’s OK. Sometimes you’ll realise that some of your friends, or the people you like also fall in this category.

You never need to chase someone who is right for you. You deserve to be valued by the people you value.

But you do need to be prepared to put effort into curating the relationships in your life.

Don’t blame yourself if you drift apart from friends or they drift apart from you; it happens to everyone. Sometimes we grow into new people, and sometimes life just ... happens. Not every relationship remains right for us as we mature and change.

Try to make time for people; firstly prioritise those who need your help and support, but it’s easy to miss out on the quiet ones who you also need to catch up with.

Maintaining relationships can feel like a job in itself but  you will be much happier when you put in the effort. Isolating yourself is bad for you as well as your relationships.

You’ll make so many new friends. You’ll meet so many awesome people.

Don’t do anything you truly don’t want to do. Don’t attend meetups you don’t want to attend. Don’t date people you don’t really want to be dating. Learn to say no.

Work on building the courage to people how you feel; if you hold it in and keep things to yourself, then people can’t help you.  

Be kind to yourself, whether you mess up or other people mess up.

University and work:

Grades will sometimes be good, and sometimes less good, but you’re still the same person underneath.

You don’t need to prove your worth to any person, you are studying only for yourself.

Ignore those who try to turn university into a competition; make friends with people who take a cooperative approach to learning.

Let students who don’t respect patients, or who are bigoted know that you find their views repugnant, if you feel safe to do so. If you can’t accost them, don’t blame yourself for their actions.

Learn from the good doctors and students; pick out the qualities you want to embody.

Learn also from the bad ones; sometimes realising that is the kind of person you don’t want to be, is also a big motivator.

Learn how to spot the signs and symptoms of anxiety and depression; you’ll be pulling your friends out of a dark place, and one day they’ll be doing the same for you.

Learn the ways in wich the university is set up to help you.

Learn the system, know how to use it, and learn how to pull your depressed friend through those hurdles to get the help they need.

Learn how to write a CV, and update yours from time to time. Own your achievements.

You will become mroe confident and learn to own your space; it doesn’t happen in a day, or in a year, or even in ten. But it will happen, slowly but surely. 

Everybody gets crap rotations, or has to deal with nasty bosses or seniors or colleagues. It’s not you, it’s them. Really.

You won’t be with them forever, please don’t let them make you feel that you’re not enough. It might take a while to deal with the emotional consequences of the bullying, but you can do it.

Look out for opportunities; I know it’s hard, because sometimes it will seem like nothing is coming your way, but keep an eye out for interesting things.

In fact, you can push through whatever hell comes your way.

I feel like that’s a good start, but I’d be happy for medblr to add to my list :) Hope it helps!

[bubonickitten]

So what do you think are anders best traits (other than him worrying about mage rights and him being a compassive healer?) I really love him and I love the way you write about him so I'm just curious.

There’s a lot I love about him :0

I mean, on a personal level, he’s a really relatable character for me, so that’s part of why I like him so much.

But I also like him as a character in general. (I’ll put this post under a cut bc it got long.) 

Him being a compassionate healer and being incredibly passionate about mage rights are huge parts of his character and they’re honestly two of the biggest things that make me like him so much. 

Like, here’s a person who was subject to systemic abuse for most of his life, who knows full well the repercussions of rebelling against the status quo, but does it anyway, because his convictions are just that strong. He knows that the Circle and the Chantry are fundamentally wrong. He’s experienced and witnessed firsthand what happens to people who fight back. Hell, when we meet him Awakening, he’s only just recently been released from a year of solitary confinement for running away - he just got out and as soon as he was able to, he ran again. If he gets caught and sent back to the Circle again, he’s going back into solitary confinement at the very least, and by the time he’s in Kirkwall, he’s also possessed by a spirit, so he’s risking just being killed outright. He’s risking everything by fighting back so openly and actively, but he does it anyway. 

And it’s not just Justice’s presence that makes him so willing to fight. Even when he was running, he was fighting back, because by constantly running away, he was refusing to submit. But in Awakening, Anders did feel like he couldn’t have any impact on the status quo - he believed that things would change eventually, he believed that the way mages are treated is inherently and fundamentally wrong and one day things would be different, but he didn’t think he’d ever see it in his lifetime, and he didn’t believe he of all people could do anything to enact change. Justice helped him realize that he could be an agent of change, but that fire and that strong sense of right and wrong were already there - it just needed to be validated and encouraged, which Justice did for him. 

And I do like that Anders needed support to be able to get to that point, bc I feel like that’s... realistic, y’know? I don’t like the idea that everyone should have to fend for themselves and not have to rely on others to stand up and fight. He couldn’t do it alone, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He hasn’t gotten much support from others throughout his life, so I like that in this instance, he had someone to lean on. (And I still wish there were more opportunities to support him more actively in DA2.)  

Like, it was difficult for Anders to admit to those feelings of powerlessness - which is entirely understandable, because in his experience, showing that kind of vulnerability could get him killed or worse (if the templars considered a mage to be weak-willed, they might not even give them a chance at the Harrowing and just make them Tranquil outright - and Anders is canonically mentally ill, which I imagine added an extra burden in terms of hiding his vulnerability). So, outwardly, he talked a big talk about only being concerned with his own freedom and pretends to be more apathetic and careless than he actually is. 

This also shows a lot in terms of his sense of humor - it’s a lot of morbid sarcasm, irreverent joking, gallows humor even - because he uses it as a shield and a coping mechanism. Ngl, I love that aspect of him, it’s one of the things that started endearing him to me in Awakening first. I play my Hawke as having a similar sense of irreverent, snarky humor, so they play well off of one another. Humor as a coping mechanism is a character trait I tend to appreciate and relate to a lot, haha. 

Anyway, I think in actuality he cares so much it hurts. It might not seem like it when we first meet him in Awakening, but I think it’s just that it’s easier and psychologically safer for him to pretend he doesn’t care than it is to admit that he does care but feels powerless to change things. It takes a lot of strength (and also support from others, which again, is something that Anders hasn’t had much of throughout most of his life) to be able to confront your own vulnerability and try to channel it into something that benefits others. 

But even in Awakening, his actions often contradicted the “I don’t care about anyone but myself” talk - if you tell him to run away in the beginning of the game, he’ll do so, but he shows back up like five minutes later because he felt like he couldn’t leave the Warden to fight the darkspawn alone (he jokes about being “bad at the whole ‘fugitive from justice’ thing”, which... turns out to be way more accurate than he may even realize in that moment). In the endgame, he’s not eager to go along with the Warden to Amaranthine, but if you do bring him, he’s one of the companions who will argue against leaving Amaranthine to burn - his instincts might tell him to run, but he cares too much about the survivors in Amaranthine to leave them to their fate. 

Not to mention, canonically, spirit healers are kinda rare. They derive a lot of their power from spirits of compassion, which means earning spirits’ trust and cooperation. A person who isn’t compassionate probably wouldn’t be able to earn that cooperation of a spirit of compassion in the first place. Not to mention his interest in being a healer in general - it’s a big part of his identity, to the point where in DA2, one of the things he worries most about is not being able to heal anymore because he’s so afraid that he or Justice will accidentally hurt one of his patients.

I think a lot of his attachment to the healer role is also tied up in his own internalized belief that he has to be a Good Mage in order to deserve freedom - it seems contradictory, it’s something that goes against his stated principles, mages shouldn’t have to prove themselves and be ‘good’ mages according to the Chantry’s fucked up doctrine to deserve freedom and life and love, but he lived in the Circle for at least half his life and he definitely internalized a lot of the hateful messages they taught about mages. Fighting against those teachings is a constant battle for him - which also ties into his occasional crises of faith, because he’s an Andrastian and all the spiritual authorities in his life have taught him that he’s a non-person, that he’s inherently sinful and cursed and deserving of subjugation because he’s a mage. 

So, he has a lot of moments of self-doubt. He has a lifetime of trauma and abuse that affect his present well-being. He has a lot of self-loathing and a lot of fear of himself (the latter esp after merging with Justice). He doesn’t see himself as worthy of love or care, even if he talks passionately about how mages deserve those things - he often doesn’t give himself the same consideration that he’s willing to give others. He has an incredibly complicated relationship with his own anger - because his anger is totally and completely justifiable, but it scares him, because he associates rage and anger with demons and loss of control. (I think a big source of the conflict btwn he and Justice is how they differ re: embracing and accepting anger. For Justice, that anger is righteous fury, it’s justified, it’s a source of passion and change. For Anders, it’s a source of fear and insecurity a lot of the time. I think a lot of their miscommunication is rooted in that fear.)

But Anders works himself half to death trying to help as many people as he can for as long as he can, and even though he’s barely making a dent in all the suffering he sees in the world, even though he’s risking everything, he just keeps going, because that’s how strongly he believes and that’s how much he cares. Every mage he helps escape the Gallows, every patient he helps in his clinic is worth it to him. That kind of perseverance in the face of hopelessness and doubt and a world set against you is really admirable to me.

And I also like how clear it is that it doesn’t come easy to him. It’s not just some inspiration porn “you can do anything you set your mind to if you just try :)” thing. He stumbles a lot. He fails a lot. He spends most of DA2 in a constant state of anxiety and desperation (esp since he really doesn’t get much support from the people closest to him, except like… Justice and Hawke, if you play Hawke in a supportive role). He’s idealistic, but he can’t help but dip into periods of hopelessness and depression and doubt - partly because he has a mood disorder, partly because that’s just… expected for someone who’s seen as much shit as he has. His life is messy and he’s tired and it shows. But even when he’s running, he’s fighting. Sometimes, survival is in itself a form of rebellion and he’s a walking example of that. He is stubborn and although sometimes it’s a negative, it also has its perks. And that passion doesn’t just manifest as rage - it’s also love, because lbh, he is a hopeless romantic (in a dorky, endearing way at times) and in his romance route he loves Hawke fiercely.  

It’s a shame that he didn’t get more positive character development in DA2 (it’s no secret how resentful I am toward the writers, he and Justice really deserved better). I headcanon him over time learning how to communicate and coexist with Justice; learning to practice self-care and be kinder to himself; more fully accepting that he has a right to be angry and he doesn’t have to prove that he’s deserving of personhood or love.

And he has a fair amount of flaws for sure - he has a tendency to project his insecurities onto others (e.g. Merrill), he’s not a good ally to other marginalized groups (e.g. elves), he sometimes lashes out at others when they don’t deserve it (which, although I understand why he behaves that way, it still isn’t fair to others who are on the receiving end), he was manipulative in the ‘Justice’ quest (I understand his motivations but despite his intentions it wasn’t acceptable behavior) - but I think he has an ability to better himself in those areas and I like to headcanon that personal growth for him. (That’s not to say I want him to be a flawless character - nobody’s perfect, and a flawless character would be pretty flat and unrealistic, but I also like when characters are allowed to have personal growth in a positive direction.)

I guess, in all, he’s an interesting, likable, and relatable character for me - I wish the writers treated him better, I have a lot of criticisms wrt how he (and Justice) were written (including how Anders was treated as a bipolar character), and I’m also willing to criticize him where it’s deserved (I have a whole tag full of meta w/ my criticisms of him) - but overall he’s one of my faves.

 Tbh the reason why DA2 is my fave game in the series (despite all of my criticisms of the writing in it, esp Act 3) is the characters. Hawke is my favorite protag and DA2 has probably my favorite companion group - like, Anders, Merrill, Fenris, Isabela, and Varric are some of my fave characters in the whole series - so the characters are ultimately what make me like that game.