#i'll write a proper analysis later

[foxssie]

Heisenberg and Jesse playing chess november 2023 an appropriation of 19th century German school painting Mephistopheles and Faust playing chess

[some-pers0n]

Medic is a character I feel people agree is often mischaracterized in fanworks, but nobody can really settle on why that is or how people get to that assumption. What makes him mischaracterized? Does he care too much about his team? Too little? What even is his character to begin with? Does he even have one? Why should we even care since he's a comedic character designed to make you laugh first?

In other words, hi! I'm a fanfic writer who is extremely abnormal about Medic TF2. Those two things are going to be pretty central to the topic of this analysis piece of sorts. This right here is an essay that details the characterization of the Medic from Team Fortress 2 from the character's inception in development all the way until the final comic. Yes. The one character.

I'm doing this mostly as a way for a) me to comb through canon material and study this character so I can remind myself over and over again how he acts and b) me not-so-subtly venting about how much of a nightmare it is to find a fanfic that writes Medic in a way that aligns with his characterization in canon. It 100% is because I'm a picky whiny bitch who can't help but constantly read like a writer and overanalyze everything, but I think I'm not that alone when I say that the fandom's perception of Medic is...warped.

But why? Why do people seem to not exactly understand or get him? Why is it hard to find common ground on what aspects of Medic are in-character or not? Why do so many people have wildly different interpretations of it?

Short answer: Medic's character has shifted pretty drastically from his original inception in 2007 to the last released comic in 2017, retconning him from a cold and calculated dominating doctor to a silly and goofy mad scientist to make him more funny. There is no real proper true characterization and everyone can have their own interpertation.

Long answer? Well...let's get to that.

I should probably preface this with a couple main interpretations of Medic's character and how I think it's fascinating to understand where they come from. They also set the groundwork as to how these different characterizations of Medic come from.

There's what I like to call "Game Medic". Game Medic is the most common interpretation amongst players of the game. Redditors and the like point to this interpretation of Medic and hail him as the "true" characterization of him. Honestly? I can't blame them. Have you heard Medic's voice lines?? A lot of them are him barking orders at the others and hissing at his fellow mercenaries about their incompetency. It gives him the aura of a man driven to madness by having to take care of his teammates, reflecting that of what a lot of Medic mains feel.

Game Medic characterizes Medic mostly as a sadistic man who does not care for the other mercenaries. He's dominating and demanding, ordering around the others. He laughs maliciously when there's death and, famously, he believes that healing is not nearly as rewarding as harming others. People generally believe that Medic would experiment on the mercs against their will and torture them for his own amusement. It's not uncommon in these circles who believe in this characterization for theories and suggestions of Medic once being a Nazi to crop up.

I don't believe this is an accurate characterization of him, at least not anymore. I'll get into the details of why later, but the basic summation is that Medic had a rather different personality in 2007 that was later shifted and changed to be more comedic and silly as the years went along.

The next most common is "Fanfiction Medic". It's the Medic you see in those TF2 x Reader stuff, in the sense of Medic being reduced to a caring and compassionate man. It takes more aspects from the comics but does still miss the point of his character in favour of making him easy to sympathize and identify with. He can have aspects of his in-game portrayal, with him being overly critical of the one he loves. He's affectionate, sweet, and generally really caring and loyal, if possessive and easily jealous. In fanfic, he ranges from being dark and intimidating in a sexy and dominating way to a generally nice guy who just loves his partner.

It's the inverse of Game Medic and is often mocked and made fun of. You'll see memes that compare an overexaggerated version of Fanfiction Medic, with him being extremely submissive and soft, to Game Medic, who oftentimes acts in a more dark and violent way, perhaps bringing into his utter disregard for life and his obsession with experimenting using animal organs.

This interpretation should go without saying that it's also not exactly true to his character. Flanderizing him to the point where he doesn't even really identify with any traits or qualities from the game or comics. And for what? To make him more appealing? Or perhaps can people not fathom him acting in a more mean and rude way?

So...how did we get here? Why is Medic and his characterization such a divisive topic? Characters like Scout and Engineer seem to have pretty consistent characterization through and through all subspaces of the fandom. Why Medic? And, even still, why do most people have a hard time replicating his voice? His personality? Anything?

That's what we're going to talk about here today, folks.

Pre-MtM

Let's start with pre-TF2 days: Invasion. The concept art of Medic was very much in line with the whole orderly doctor archetype. Serious expression, clean pristine white clothes. There's a sense of authority and dominance to him. This is a man of reason and science. He is a mercenary. A Medic who heals his team from the brink of death.

This characterization I feel lasted until the style shift, where TF2 became more of a comedic and light-hearted game. This is where I believe the whole "disgruntled angel of death" stuff comes from. Medic retains that order and dignity, which leads into the game.

His voice lines, as previously mentioned, are aggressive and accusatory to his own team. I wouldn't blame you if you assumed he hated his team entirely. He claims that his skill is wasted here, that they're all useless idiots, so on and so forth. It characterizes him as having a grudge towards his fellow workers, only doing this because he enjoys the thrill of bloodshed and violence. It definitely paints him more as being a sadistic madman like the rest of them.

It's a characterization I've already covered, so for the sake of not sounding redundant, let's say that in 2007, the inception of Medic as we know, was predominantly portrayed as a somewhat sane, albeit sadistic and authoritative man of science. He is violent and generally looks down upon his coworkers, viewing them as half-wits who only get him killed over and over again. From his body language, he's a lot more rigid and straight than the others. It gives the impression that he's a proper, well-mannered serious character.

A major moment of characterization that could've happened was the scrapped original Meet the Medic video. I believe this would've come out in 2009 alongside the other Meet the Team videos like Meet the Heavy, Meet the Sniper, Meet the Soldier, etc and etc. While it isn't canon per se, it's still a topic worth mentioning and talking about.

Around this time, TF2 was becoming a lot more comedic than its original inception. Saxton Hale and Mann Co. had been invented, two things that would be a sign of what the game and property would eventually become. It's light-hearted and silly now! In the Classless Update of 2009, there were newspaper clippings showing a saga in which the King of Australia waged a war against a hill. The Spy VS Sniper Update added Jarate, a literal jar of Sniper's piss. Hats!! HATS!! The games were changing quite noticeably from how they originally were.

Which brings us to the scrapped trailer. A basic summary is that Medic is being interviewed on a train and talking about how he invented the medi-gun. It begins with a cold opening of a BLU Sniper bleeding out while a Soldier of the same team calls out for help. They are then promptly run over by a train, the exact one that Medic is on as the next shot is of him putting away luggage as the gore and guts from the run-over Soldier and Sniper splat onto his window. Again, comedic cold open played for laughs. It sets the tone of Medic as being a serious character with a streak of silliness to him. It also helps that there is a chessboard there, further characterizing him as an intellectual.

Medic then begins his story. It's a dark and terrible sight to see. The team is losing and the Heavy is bleeding out. He seems overworked, having to fend off against a Spy all by himself and quickly trying to save the Heavy. The rest of his team are useless, just standing there screaming as they're in pain. Again, further characterizes him as a savior to them. The only competent one.

Then, something quite new happens. Medic slaps Heavy in frustration once he flatlines. He...slaps Heavy. It's on impulse and clearly done in irritation, but that's quite different. Before, we've seen Medic as a somewhat calculated individual. He's not prone to rash choices out of emotions. He loves bloodshed and violence, but he's fairly contained and controlled.

I think the slap is one of the first examples of Medic's character really beginning to shift. It's done for laughs, yes, but it shows him as being emotional and prone to getting physically violent and angry. I can practically hear him saying: "Live damn you! Live!" as he slaps him.

Then, chaos erupts in the room as a stray rocket blasts into the room. It knocks over Medic and he's left to lie on the ground, watching as his teammates do nothing more than scream and flail around. Yet, through a series of events, everything falls into place to create a naturally healing liquid. He watches on in fascination and amazement before then scrambling back to Heavy, pumping more blood into the puddle of Healing Juice. Eventually, the Heavy is revived.

Then the Spy head is resurrected and begins screaming for death. Again, characterizing Medic as being morbidly comedic. Medic screams (startled by the dismembered head coming to life)(reasonable reaction) and begins shooting it. Again, impulsive and acting on instinct.

Once realizing that the Spy's head is invincible, he shoots it one more time, giggling after it. He GIGGLES. Do you understand me when I say that this is important? Look at him as he does that. Tell me he doesn't do a little "hooh!!" after that final shot.

Medic's laughter is a rather large part of his later characterization, as it goes deeper into the whole eccentric mad scientist archetype instead. It's when Medic is beginning to break away from that only characterization and become...silly. He's sadistic, but he enjoys it with whimsy and intrigue. He is fascinated by the Spy head.

Medic then begins work. It furthers his sadistic characterization by him using the Spy head as a means to hold nails and such. Something that we don't see too much later on from this is that Medic builds the medi-gun. Strange since most of the time the one who's characterized as building things is Engie. This is probably done to give a sense of competency to Medic. He's a man of science capable of doing anything.

The video ends on what would later become the scene of Medic walking out with angelic light behind him and doves flying out. Still has that whole angelic feeling to him AND also when his doves first come into play. Him being seen as a holy saviour feeds into his characterization of him having a god complex. He sees himself as a man who makes gods out of men.

So, what have we learned from this video? Well, Medic's commentary is quite proper and professional. In canon lore, he would've been interviewed by the Director. His characterization would be a man of science who views himself as the only really competent person on the team. However, he's prone to fits of impulsive rage and doesn't seem to feel any remorse for his outbursts. He is an inventor of sorts, who experiments and finds it fascinating to work with science.

I also believe this is when it's first shown that Medic likes experiments. Beforehand, he was just a doctor. Now? He tests and experiments and enjoys it. He's still a sadistic madman who loves violence, but all in all, he seems a little more comedic than he did in 2007.

The original idea was scrapped as the team believed that the short didn't exactly show who Medic was. It didn't comply with what players had when they thought of "Medic". Even back then, I think they wanted to have Medic's character be something else. Something more grandiose. Also, it doesn't really touch on Medic's gameplay. It just introduces the medi-gun. 

Medic's characterization would slowly grow more and more comedic as time goes on, moving away from the idea of him being a serious doctor and more of a mad scientist. What with new cosmetics and taunts. 

But...this isn't enough. No, not enough. He's still not as goofy as, say, the Soldier, Scout, or Demoman. Does he need to be? No, but he could be. He could be something more. 

In late June of 2011, the Über Update happened. It was a large-scale content update that not only made TF2 free-to-play, but also added several new cosmetics, weapons, and maps. But that's not what we really care about here, is it?

You already know what it is. The bombshell that changed Medic's character forever.

Meet the Medic

The short opens up with an action scene of Scout and Demo running away. Both are heavily injured and are trying to escape from enemy fire. Scout gets blown away and is then hit with three different rockets, sending him flying into a window where he calls out for Medic before cutting to the title card.

Instantly establishes Medic as a character who the others turn to for help. Good introduction to the character and his general role and premise as well as a neat prelude that catches the attention of the audience. But enough of that. It's time for the man himself.

Immediately we are hit with an iconic line of dialogue that establishes that, no, this is no serious and stoic character. This is a different, more interesting and developed version of Medic. 

"Wait, wait, wait, it gets better! When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again!" [Mad laughter] "Ahh... Anyway, that's how I lost my medical license, heh."

Do you see me here? I am gripping my screen here in some attempt to grab you by the shoulders and shake you. Do you understand what this means in terms of characterization? How different he is? How much sillier he has gotten?!

Okay, let's start off by describing this. Medic is performing surgery on Heavy. Based on the bullet wounds, it's suggested that this impromptu surgery is happening mid-battle. Medic is talking to Heavy incredibly casually-- he's TALKING to Heavy. He should be under anesthesia considering he currently has his entire chest open.

This already characterizes Medic as casual when it comes to surgery. He's doing medical malpractice and, not only is he completely unbothered, but so is Heavy. It could imply that this is regular behaviour and Heavy is not worried.

This surgery is just as normal to Medic as a barber cutting somebody's hair. He's telling stories and generally having fun. He's having fun he'S HAVING FUN-- He's laughing and just generally enjoying himself! Being silly!!

Not to mention the story itself is dark. The punchline is that "the doctor stole a patient's skeleton and ran away". Medic laughs hysterically after this. He finds it hilarious. Not to also mention he follows it up with that little "that's how I lost my medical license :)"

Not only did he steal a man's skeleton, managing to keep him alive as implied with him saying that the patient woke up and noticed his skeleton was missing (so he managed to extract the man's skeleton and leave his nervous system in place), but he finds it funny! It's a comical story he finds enjoyment in telling others. He even seems proud of it and doesn't regret it in the slightest.

He doesn't even seem to really pick up on Heavy's face drop or that maybe he shouldn't be telling this story when he's got somebody on the operating table. Perhaps a little socially unaware? Eh, could just be headcanons bleeding into analysis.

He doesn't have his gloves on either. Just handling Heavy's heart without any gloves or anything. Again, casual medical malpractice that he does not seem bothered by in the slightest. This idea of Medic doing surgery and or experiments with his gloves off while putting them on for literally anything else also pops back up in the comics, but we'll get to that soon.

Let's not also forget that this man laughs. Like straight-up laughs like a mad scientist. Before, we had gotten voice lines of him are evil, malevolent cackles. He's mocking the ones that he kills. Here's?? It's a lot more whimsical and silly. It's something that'll be something he does a lot more later on: laugh when he's just generally happy or nervous.

But enough about that one line of dialogue. We have the rest of the short to watch!

Archimedes pops out of Heavy's chest cavity. Medic scolds him and shoos him away. He glances over back at Heavy. For a frame or two, his eyes are wide and his expression shifts. He realized that, y'know, maybe it's not too great from Heavy's perspective to have Archimedes digging around in there. He shrugs it off with an anxious laugh. Not to also mention he absentmindedly wipes the blood on his clothes. Again, very unprofessional and not very concerned about it.

Quick note about the symbolism of doves. Doves are seen as a sign of peace and whatnot, usually combined with angelic qualities. A dove with blood on it would imply that its original meaning is perverted in some way, especially if the dove is going out of its way for the blood. It's a harbinger of peace, but finds infinite more enjoyment indulging in the bloodshed and violence of the destruction it's meant to oppose. 

Medic grabs what I like to call a über implant. It's what gives the heart the ability to be übercharged. He sticks it into Heavy's heart, saying that, while most hearts cannot withstand the voltage, he believes that Heavy's heart will be able to take it.

He puts it near the beam of the quick-fix and it instantly explodes.

Medic overestimates the abilities of Heavy's heart, thinking it was strong enough. It was not. This characterizes Medic as being somewhat optimistic and believes his own theories based on no previous data or evidence. Throwing caution to the wind and hoping for the best.

However! He adapts. He thinks for a second. This is no setback. He quells Heavy's concerns saying that, no, this is the sound of progress, mein Freund. This shows that he is quick with improvisation and is completely fine with deviating suddenly whenever a new problem arises.

He digs into his mini-fridge, where he gets more characterization. He's got a collection of animal organs in here. He likes experimenting with them, so he keeps them on standby. He does not care if Heavy doesn't want an animal organ in him. This is a life-or-death scenario. Either he goes on out there without a heart or he takes the mega baboon heart.

There's also beer, implying that he likes it enough to keep it nearby. He also keeps one of Heavy's sandwiches, perhaps either for himself or for Heavy.

There's also the head of the BLU Spy, a cute callback to the scrapped Meet the Medic video. It's there with a battery keeping it alive as well as an ashtray. Medic dismisses its request to Die without a second thought. He's got more important business to attend to.

He attaches the über implant and holds it under the quick-fix's beam. Here, again, he laughs maniacally. It makes Heavy uncomfortable, but eh who cares about him this is the Medic essay. Medic is clearly enjoying the beauty of experimentation and playing god here, harking back to the idea of him having a god complex.

Finally, it's done. It glows. "Oh, that looks good," Medic says as he drops it haphazardly into Heavy's chest cavity. He doesn't even really know if this is a good sign or not. It's just glowing and beating in his hands. It's fine. Everything's all good.

Heavy asks the completely reasonable question of whether or not he should be awake. Medic laughs anxiously, a nervous tic it seems, and says, "Well, no, but as long as you are, could you hold your rib cage open a bit?" He's fully aware that Heavy shouldn't be conscious, but because of the continuous healing from his quick-fix, he doesn't really care.

Medic being aloof and generally disregarding the rules of proper medical care is a constant piece of characterization with him. Whatever works best he does. Headcanon territory here, but I believe that he finds the rules and restrictions to hold him down. Prevent him from doing what's best with such nonsense things like "ethics" and "moral codes" and "being a doctor doesn't mean you get to play god".

Heavy moves his hand to open his rib cage a bit, letting Medic push in the heart. However, Medic is too rough and goes too deep, snapping one of Heavy's ribs in the process. Medic's eyes widen, but he quickly recovers. "Don't be such a baby." He grabs it and pinches Heavy's cheek. "Ribs grow back." He tosses the rib aside and turns to Archimedes. "No, they don't."

He lies to make Heavy feel better. It also displays that Medic is physically affectionate of sorts when doing surgery. I personally headcanon that he's a very touchy-feely person who generally doesn't care what other people think as he grabs them by the shoulder or cheek, but, again, headcanons. Also! Ribs do grow back, which implies either a) Medic doesn't know this or b) the TF2 universe works a bit differently.

The surgery is complete. Does he check to see if any of the valves, arteries, or veins line up? Nope! Grabs the quick-fix and heals Heavy back up. He grins wickedly while doing this, still enjoying the art of surgery and experimentation.

He helps Heavy up and smiles, saying the: "Let's go practice medicine" line. He likes those quips.

He suits up (putting his gloves on for once) and comes out of the base. Quick note here about the soundtrack. I neglected to mention how much the three songs attached to Medic perfectly reflect his character, from Archimedes being plucky and a little silly, to A Little Heart to Heart being more sinister and perverting the more light-hearted tune of Archimedes, to Medic! being a full-on jazzy piece of glory (and also the best song). I could go further into all three tracks, but let's just do some basic analysis of the first bit of the song here.

The song begins with an angelic choir, which, again, paints Medic in the light of a holy figure that saves and protects the others. Then, it devolves, getting darker and more menacing before the saxophone, trumpets, bass guitar, and drums kick in, going back to the usual TF2 style.

Medic is a mad mercenary like the rest of them. He puts on a facade of being proper and angelic, but he's no different than the others.

It all comes together with him walking out, a radiant white light behind him as his doves fly out. Combined with his steady expression, he seems like an angel who's come to save them all. At least until the song shifts, where he grins and begins to heal the others.

So on and so forth. The next part isn't as character-defining, mostly just a display of Medic's role in the game because, like healing. It does a better job of showing what his class does than the scrapped version, I'll give it that. He heals Scout and Demo before shifting focus back to Heavy.

An onslaught of BLU Soldiers are closing in on them. Heavy glances back, asking if Medic is sure that this plan will work.

Medic laughs, saying that he has no idea. Again, he doesn't know. He doesn't care. He's having fun and is just experimenting willy-nilly without a clue as to whether it'll actually work. He just hopes.

He flicks the switch and, lo and behold, it works. Heavy is übercharged and they march on to victory. The short ends there, with a small epilogue showing the rest of the mercs getting their own über implant surgery. Again, the final scene shows Medic's lack of care as Archimedes is implied to have crawled into Scout's chest and been sealed up when it was over.

Whew!! Two thousand words of analysis on one four-minute short. But, I assume you can understand why, no? This short is monumental when it comes to characterizing Medic. He's not stoic. Quite the opposite! He's careless when it comes to following proper procedures and order. He is a giggly mess who chuckles and laughs at almost anything, nervously or not. He's concerned when Heavy shows anxiety and uncertainty. He's generally a lot more goofy and silly here, you know?

He now instead mostly mirrors the eccentric mad scientist archetype. Laughing, experimenting without a care, and generally being a couple screws loose. Instead of the cold, calculative bloodthirsty character he once was, he's a lot more close and emotional here.

This characterization becomes the basis of what the following taunts and voice lines would be about. His Halloween voice lines are a lot more silly, with him laughing a lot. His Medimedes cosmetic is him screaming in agony and laughing maniacally about his new predicament.

If I may, I want to quickly talk about the Sec-Op cosmetic lines. Sec-Op I personally interpret as a fabricated evil dark side. I don't think of Sec-Op as "Medic's evil secret thoughts" and more of a force that's attached to him that acts like how a typical normal evil dark side thingymabobber works. The joke with the cosmetic is that Medic is as evil as Sec-Op, but is more casual about it. Of course, other people can see it as something else, I just think of it like that.

What I particularly want to talk about are two curious lines. Sec-Op questions whether or not Medic worries he's going mad. Medic doesn't mind. He doesn't care. Even if he is, it's not the end of the world. However, he gets extremely offended when Sec-Op suggests that the other mercs think that Medic is crazy.

Medic gets insulted when others think of him as mad, yet he himself is fine with it. Why? I think Medic himself cares a lot about how he's perceived. He claims he doesn't. He does. If he's thought of in a way that he doesn't want to be thought about, he gets upset. He doesn't care about what other normal people think of him since any conversation they have will come out as negative, but with the mercs? Nah man. Nah...

The ego of this man is a central part of how I view him. He likes being praised and admired. He likes being lifted up and viewed as a god amongst men. He wants to defy the laws of nature just because he feels like he's better than anybody else. He's a little goofy that way, y'know?

Then, of course, we have Expiration Date. I promise I'll try to be a little less exhaustively wordy here since a lot of his characterization is still the same.

Medic and Engie have been experimenting with the teleporters and bread. When Scout, Soldier, and Heavy return from their own trip to get the intel, the pair break the bad news. Here, Medic exhibits characteristics of his in-game self. It could definitely be because of how dire the situation is (they're all going to die in a matter of days), but it's worthy to note.

They don't entertain Scout and instead get straight to telling them about it. When Engie teleports the bread in, Medic tears it apart, proudly showing off the disgusting insides. He tells them all that these green blobs are tumours with a wide, grin. He seems somewhat amused by it, contrasting with the rest of them being confused or mournful.

When asked about how long it'll be, he quickly calculates in his head that they have roughly three days to live. He says it pretty dramatically too. Prissy drama queen.

Engie and Medic then curiously enough spend the next three days experimenting with the bread. Apparently, they were so busy as to not even attend Spy's bucket list meeting. Curious bit of characterization. Engie and Medic both care enough about the team to spend their last few days trying to find some sort of reason for these tumours and possibly a cure. They care about their team (or at the very least their lives) on some level.

Engie teleports bread. Medic grins as it appears in front of him, still humoured by seeing teleportation in action. Or, perhaps he notices it changing and shifting. Regardless, the bread attacks him. Not much to note here other than he's screaming loudly and dramatically. Again, prissy drama queen. He's only having a big bread monster lunge directly at his jugular. Get a grip.

Engie and Medic return to Spy and the rest of them, telling them that, no, they aren't dying in three days, but rather that it's only bread that gets the tumours. Instead, as Medic puts it: "It's some form of self-aware beauty mark that only metastasizes in an environment of pure wheat" before then shaking around the bloodthirsty monster and showing it off. He's just happy and excited to be alive and show off that, no, this is just a bread problem. Everything is all great.

Until Soldier says that he's been teleporting bread non-stop for three days.

Medic tosses the jar aside and rushes towards Soldier, shaking him around. Again, harking back to that moment of physical frustration in the scrapped Meet the Medic short. Him being impulsive and prone to sudden mood shifts is still a part of his character.

They fight the bread monster, they win, Medic corrects Soldier when he says that they'll live forever, and then he rejoins Engie as the both of them inspect the bread monster. Looks like the two of them will get to keep on experimenting.

And there we are. I could touch on the other shorts, but this is already long enough and those shorts are just repeating the same information. Meet the Medic is vital to the characterization of Medic now. Everything in the comics and shorts with him happens because of what Meet the Medic set up.

And, well, speaking of the comics, why don't we talk about those?

Comics

The comics notably do not feature a lot of Medic, at least the ones previous to the mainline comics. The comics are much more entertained with the stories of Soldier in particular. Understandable, Soldier is an almost entirely comedic character (until the comics decide to randomly throw in ideas of him being repulsed by the idea of being a civilian and can only really function in a war setting). However, it does leave the others lacking in a lot of characterization while we get a bunch of Soldier trivia.

But enough about me quietly complaining about the comics, let's talk about the issues where Medic appears!

He appears in A Fate Worse Than Chess, but doesn't do much other than watch the TV playing Saxton's message and then prepare himself for battle. In Shadow Boxers...also not too much. Just sorta dismisses the meeting and says goodnight (??? it's like midday???) before heading off. Nothing really to write home about.

Gargoyles & Gravel is where he actually gets some proper screen time again. He's experimenting on a jack-o-lantern with Engie. As far as characterization goes, he's repeatedly shown to have connections to Heavy and Engie. I'll get to Medic and Heavy soon enough, but with Engie, Medic seems to enjoy experimenting with him. They collaborate on projects and work together.

This is no different. Medic has implanted a brain into the pumpkin, one that belonged to a criminal who tried mugging him. This also implies that Medic has zero qualms about just incapacitating and experimenting on people. Personally? I like headcanoning that he cares more about his team than he does the average person, so he doesn't really feel any sort of guilt or remorse when just grabbing somebody off the streets for a healthy amount of medical malpractice. If he is performing on the mercs, he cares a little more. A Little.

Regardless, Medic is dressed up as Viktor Frankenstein, a matching costume for Heavy's Frankenstein's Monster costume. Again, comparing him to famous fictional mad scientists. Also quite cute.

Medic is again not wearing his gloves. He also declines Engie's offer for a beer, saying that he doesn't drink during surgery. Well, at least he cares enough to not drink during surgery, but y'know. Curious how this is the only real thing he seems to care about. They revive the person's consciousness, having them possess the pumpkin. Medic then says that the pumpkin could "scare the children straight". Does he not like kids or just find them hooligans? Perhaps he just likes seeing people scared. Or maybe it's just Halloween dialogue.

Anywho, Engie takes the pumpkin away and Medic reappears at the end to hold his bonesaw with a wicked smile.

So, now, time for the actual comics.

For the first couple of comics, Medic is nowhere to be seen. He's one of the characters shrouded in mystery for a while. Pauling wasn't able to track him or Engie down. Where could he be?

Then, we learn that he's still alive and well, but now working with Gray Mann as the new Medic for the TFC BLU team. But wait, those are the bad guys!

Medic's introduction scene in the comics establishes a couple of things. One, he's still the same ol' medical malpractitioner who's been busy sewing baboon uteruses into some of the team members. He's excited to work with them. Literally. He brings up how they're "blank canvases", saying how their previous Medic must not have experimented on them.

Secondly, he's still pretty lax with morals. The comics definitely make it more clear how he's unaware that maybe people don't want animal organs sewn into them, whether they know it or not. If asked about it, he brushes it off and says: "Eh, it's not like it's hurting you in any way that we know of yet" before quickly switching topics. 

Another thing of note is that he explicitly lied to the TFC Scout. Interesting. He told him that he was going to fill a cavity, only to then sew three baboon uteruses into him. He's a lot more careless and reckless with the TFC team. Or maybe he also was with his previous team. Again, personal headcanons bleeding into analysis, but I don't think Medic cares nearly as much about the TFC team as he does with his main team. But, again, disregard that if you will. Medic simply just being a lying little prissy bastard is also equally as valid.

The ending panel of the scene has Medic consider and bask in the glory of his "latest triumphs" going toe-to-toe with his "earliest experiments". The phrasing implies that he doesn't particularly care about his previous team. Again, Medic likes his bloodshed and violence. He doesn't play sides or really care. He just wants to see how his newest cadavers fare against the older ones.

Medic then shows up again in the next comic at the very end, smiling wickedly after Sniper is shot by the TFC Sniper. This is then later explained away cause Joke and Funny, but we'll get to it soon.

In Old Wounds, Medic is shown to work on Sniper's body. By his own accord and will, he decides to bring Sniper back to life. Why? Well, number one this is TF2 and death is ultimately meaningless when it's done to the main cast because they're our main characters. Secondly? Well, we soon find out.

After Sniper has his little moment, he wakes up to find Medic there. Medic is less concerned with Sniper's state (both physical and mental) and is more obsessed with the idea of Sniper not being able to witness his crowning medical achievement. Ego! Look at that right there. He's concerned with how he's perceived, probably for just personal pleasure.

Also, the return of the god complex. "It's like I've always said! There's nothing wrong with playing God, so long as you are good at it!" It implies that he's said it several times before, that he's playing God and it's perfectly fine and okay because it works out in the end. He likes the idea of playing around with the laws of nature and God's will.

However, while he's gloating, Sniper attacks. This surprises Medic. Medic was either caught up in his own personal victory to notice Sniper being upset or he never once considered that Sniper would be upset, but rather congratulate him over it. Both? Yeah, probably both. He says this when Sniper says that he killed him. "It's okay though cause I brought you back to life, ja?" basically. He also then explains why he was smiling: it's just how he normally looks. He just looks like that! Smug and evil! 

Medic then also elaborates on his reasoning for why he joined the TFC team. He was bored mostly. Medic loves his experimentation. He would've felt bored and as though his talents were being wasted if he wasn't able to be a mercenary. The TFC needed a Medic, so what then? Join them! He needs the funding.

Again, when explaining he still brings up how it's his greatest triumph, bringing back another person from the dead. Medic in the comics is quite boastful it seems. However, he does seem to care enough about Sniper's physical state to try and stop him from going straight back to work (killing people) before they're then interrupted by Cheavy. Ohhh Cheavy...

Cheavy is rightfully pissed that Medic revived Sniper. Why wouldn't he be??? Medic just revived the guy they killed. And for what reason? Just to say: "Haha!! I brought a man back from the dead?" Cheavy makes it known how upset he is. In a rage, he kills Archimedes.

Medic flips. Perhaps in the only real time that Medic is deeply affected by death, he screams and rushes over to his feathered little friend. Something I've brushed over until now is that Medic really loves his birds. It's a strong big of characterization that his birds, with Archimedes in particular, being something he loves deeply. He cares more about them than he does with anything else. When Archimedes is in Heavy's chest, Medic cares more about Archimedes getting dirty than he is with Heavy having a bird in his stomach.

As Medic is trying to revive Archimedes, Cheavy barks at him. Medic apparently managed to coax the team into buying him a bunch of animal organs. Guy just has a certain charm to him. Or he's just extremely adamant about it. Regardless, Cheavy isn't too pleased with him.

Even while Cheavy is nagging him, Medic STILL tries to boast about his crowning medical achievement. He seriously does not understand that now is not the time to go all: "Yeah!! I brought him back to life!! Isn't that so cool? Aren't I just the best?"

He gets yelled at, but Medic still seems unphased. Perhaps he's either used to it considering that Cheavy just yells at everyone or he's still riding the high of bringing Sniper back to life. He's excited to go out and help the TFC team, saying that he'll be right behind Cheavy. That mirrors exactly what he says to Heavy.

But Cheavy swipes him away. Cheavy doesn't want anything to do with him (which is quite frankly the most reasonable thing to do right now). Cheavy orders Medic to stay in the infirmary and get out of their way, which Medic doesn't like in the slightest. Another headcanon, but I like the idea of Medic being extremely stubborn and constantly wanting to be in a dominating role. He likes ordering people around as shown with his personality in-game and the idea of him having to submit to another person just pisses him off.

And so, he betrays the TFC fully, rejoining the TF team.

In The Naked and the Dead, we open on Medic scrambling to get Miss Pauling blood. Again, improvisation shows here as he manages to figure out that if he just pours blood back into the bodies they'll live. Who cares if blood clots happen because of contradicting blood types?

He also says a curious line. When Miss Pauling expresses skepticism about this tactic working, he just goes: "I know, ja? Why do people even go to medical school?" Some people interpret this as him never even going to medical school. Personally? I like thinking that he's just mocking the need for a proper education when something as simple as pouring a bunch of blood into a person can bring them back to health.

It's a joke, but he's shown to be dedicated to bringing them back to life. He says that he's been soaking their blood using his own underwear for. some reason. Again, joke, but also like...that's some dedication right there.

The next time we see Medic is when he's tending to Demo's wounds. Again, small talk ala Meet the Medic. Medic is catching Demo up on all of the drama. He STILL BRAGS ABOUT BRINGING SNIPER TO LIFE HERE TOO. I genuinely forgot how many times this man brings up Sniper's revival. Oh my god I know that you're proud of bringing the bushman back to life but it's so comical seeing him constantly bring it up like: "Yeah!! And I was super cool and smart and able to do it, ja?" He's so silly.

More jokes here about Medic being able to replace Demo's eye, but because of Monoculous he can't keep it forever. Not much to comment on other than Medic is still rather dismissive of his procedures perhaps causing others genuine distress. Also, him just doing random things for no reason, like scooping out part of Demo's brain because he just got exhausted of hearing Demo ask for his eye back. Also implanting a brain into his leg because he just wants to see what happens. What a goofball.

Something to note is how Medic isn't really intimidating at all during these comics. Evil? Sure, but he's not exactly a looming figure who makes you quiver in your boots. He's casual, silly, and just kinda does what he likes to do. It makes me think about all the art of him with his hands clasped behind his back and with a creepy and unsettling expression. Looking at how Medic is shown in the MtM video and comics? He's...not really like that.

Then, Cheavy reappears. Something to note is that Cheavy doesn't call Medic by his name (or title I should say), but rather by nicknames (and slurs). Frankenstein is his most common one. Medic wouldn't like that.

Again, headcanons, but I think Medic and Cheavy bumped heads a lot considering how hostile Cheavy is to Medic. Because of this, Medic would despise Cheavy more than anything. What's worse than an annoying nagging beast of a person is one that won't even acknowledge his greatness and sees him as little more than a pest that Gray brought on cause they needed a Medic.

So, Medic attacks Cheavy. He reaches for his bonesaw, slashes him across the face before stabbing him in the abdomen. Revenge for killing Archimedes. But, Cheavy survives, reefing the blade out of him and then going out for blood. They both fight before Heavy interrupts.

Blah blah nothing too notable. Medic is a little bit of a sopping wet cat here. He's scared of Cheavy. By all means, he was previously being choked out by him, but c'mon Medic get your shit together bite his ankles. (/j /lh)

Heavy for?? Some reason throws aside Sasha because Cheavy wanted a "good death"?? I know it's coinvent for the plot since it gets Sasha out of the way so that Cheavy can kill Medic and piss off Heavy even more, but still. Maybe I need to do another analysis piece for Heavy to see if he's the type of guy to care about this, but I doubt I could drag it out nearly as long as this.

Regardless, Medic is shot and killed. He's then sent to hell. YAY!!!

FINALLY back to some interesting new Medic characterization. Medic has made a deal with the devil. What for? We don't know. Whatever works best for your fanfic. It doesn't matter what he sold his soul for in this scene though, as Medic is now damned to hell for everything. Oh no!

Until...a loophole. He reads the fine print and points out that the contract says that his soul is only owed to the devil if they own the majority stake in it. Well, Medic just so happened to have grafted eight more souls into him. 100% from the other mercs as he confirms later on, but again, he's just like that.

So Medic has zero qualms about stealing the souls of his teammates. Pretty much in line with what we know about him thus far.

He convinces the devil to sell another one of his souls so that he can go back to earth. In exchange? One of the pens on his table. He acts all surprised and shocked when the devil accepts, clearly revelling in his victory, before then being brought back to life.

If I may break away from the analysis for a bit and go into rambling: I do think Medic should've been slightly more unhinged here. By slightly I mean feral beast of a man, but y'know. Headcanons that alter and shape the way I see him, so I look at this scene and go: "He would NOT be that normal after tricking the devil and seeing the man who killed him" but it is what it is.

Then, the scene we all know and love. Medic toots his horn a little bit as he monologues about planting the uteruses into Cheavy, having him believe that the pen will activate the birthing process and three baboons will explode out of him. Again, he's enjoying himself. He likes seeing Cheavy being scared and afraid.

But, it's all a ploy, and Heavy tears the life-extending machine out of Cheavy. Heavy and Medic reunite, Medic finds the actual inductor and grabs his new baboon child, and...yeah that's the end of the comics. Uneventful, eh?

Conclusion

So, what a character, huh? I like him a little, can't you tell? Props if you actually managed to sit through this mess of an essay. It's mostly just for personal use and reference anyway. Writing about a character and taking notes helps me learn, and I just wanted to try doing something proper, y'know? I've only been writing about Medic for over a year now.

He's a bit of a mixed bag of traits and characterization. You can probably grab the parts that make up the core of his personality plus a couple other traits and then probably shape it into a rough form of who Medic is. It's how I think I write about him, to be honest.

The way to write Medic I feel is just trying to make sense of all of these little bits of character tossed at you, cause, yeah, you call say all these things, but how do you make it work? How do you make a character out of it? How do you rationalize all of these things being possible all at once?

Honestly? It's through trial and error. Soon enough you'll figure it out. Just keep in mind of what his character is. Look at his dialogue and thought process. Would he fucking say that? Would he fucking say it differently? So on and so forth.

Everyone can interpret him differently. Some may look at the things I say and will rebuttal that I'm giving him too much credit. Perhaps he's lying about certain things and is just manipulating them all. That's fair. It's perfectly valid. 

Medic is a comedic character first and foremost. Everything he says and does is meant to be funny. It's just that diseased fanfic writers like me have to overanalyze everything cause we're writing gay yaoi melodrama about murderers. A character who just constantly lies and manipulates I find isn't one I really want to make a protagonist out of, so I don't do it.

So, how do I write him? Well...

I take the aspects that I find most central to him. There's a lot, but I'll list the ones most imporant. His eccentricity is a core part of my enjoyment of him, so I cram it into him as much as physically possible. He's a giggly madman who unabashedly does what he likes to do. Him being apathetic to ethics as well is vital. He clearly does not give two shits about whether or not any of this is legal or moral. He does what he wants to do.

His ego is another big part. He loves attention and he loves being with people who think of him as some smart, grand guy. He's got a complex and has a constant need for others to validate him. If anybody tries taking him down a couple pegs, he lashes out.

That's another thing as well: his emotions. I think Medic wears his emotions on his sleeve and doesn't care to hide them. He's blunt, says exactly what he means regardless if it's nice or not, and generally could not care less over what is socially appropriate. If he doesn't care about a person, he won't make a single effort to even pretend to be interested in what they're saying. If he's excited, he'll laugh and make it known to everyone just how happy he is. Blah blah blah, you get it.

His mood swings and constantly shifting attitude is another thing too. All six of his emotions (neutral, afraid, happy, irritated, unbridled mania, overwhelming hatred and anger). It's easy for him to shift between them very rapidly and whatnot. All that sorta stuff.

The original characterization and voice lines I believe still hold water. I personally like interpreting them as coming from a place of genuine frustration that he only has when fighting. He's an emotional person who snaps and yells and gets annoyed and agitated very easily. His mood fluctuates between mania and seething hatred when fighting. I think it's as to be expected. He's on a battlefield. If you like respawn machine stuff, then it's implied that he's died numerous times and is completely sick of it, lashing out at his teammates for not protecting him.

There's several more aspects of Medic's character to which I write about in my own works, namely him being neurotic about constantly being in control, him being outwardly hostile to people he doesn't know and more close and caring to ones that he likes, and him generally being a lot more fond of his own team than he'd like to admit, but that's all sorta fanon stuff. Only I really care that much about it.

With that being said, Medic is one of the characters ever. Truth be told, this would've been less infuriating to write than, say, a Soldier analysis piece. Writing about my silly goofy middle-aged murderer is nice sometimes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to stop procrastinating and get back to my fics.

[storms-path]

So, How 'bout That Arcadion?

So I had (and still have) plans to do a write-up on Dawntrail's final dungeon and how it contrasts so interestingly with Amaurot and The Dead Ends after my analysis of Dawntrail and Conquerors, but then Arcadion decided to spring out of nowhere, grab me in a headlock and demand I talk about the music and how it reflects our new darling challengers.

So I'm gonna. As always, spoilers below, read at your own risk, etc. etc. Also I know very little about actual music theory so a lot of this is based on vibes and how things relate to themes and characters and all that. I'll leave the proper music analysis to the musicians. I'm here for the fighters!

So, let's start at the beginning with the cunning, cutting Black Cat. You might be surprised to know that Yaana and her theme were what inspired me to write about this in the first place! While her battle theme might not blow away anyone, that's kind of the point. She's a rookie, unestablished in Arcadion and just as hungry as you are, if not moreso, to prove herself a rising fighter.

The lack of any real lyrics aside from the crowd chants are very effective at displaying how the Black Cat lacks a proper identity at this point. That and the shared leitmotif with her sister (we'll get to her later) foreshadow that she is trying and failing to escape Eutrope's shadow. It's clear that even now Yaana's older sister's disappearance haunts her, to the point that she's following in Eutrope's footsteps to find the missing fighter, or failing that, answers.

Honey B. Lovely, on the other hand, is about as in-your-face as she can get. There's very little subtlety to this one, she wants your love and adoration forever and ever. And she wants so much more than only you can give. I do love the contrast between her song's incredibly chipper, saccharine sweet melodies and singing voice... as she's singing about essentially turning you into a mindless drone who will wait on her hand and foot, right down to threatening terrible violence if you manage to break free of it.

Charming lady, this one. Just look at all her new fans. Someone please get her song out of my head I can't stop hearing it while I try to work I just want to be a good little drone please stop

Speaking of contrasts, Brute Bomber is about as far from Honey B. Lovely's chipper little ditty as you can get. Another song without any vocals, unless you count guttural growling and roaring as vocals (though sidenote, I adore how they degrade into chiptune towards the end of it, that's so good). But unlike Black Cat, Brute Bomber very much has his own identity and purpose. In his case, the lack of lyrics are because he simply doesn't need them.

Where Honey B. Lovely is desperately trying to win you over and failing to hide the venom beneath, Brute Bomber is just here to beat you up until you stop moving. He's the champion! What does he need with some stupid lyrics? You don't need to understand him, you just need to understand that he's better than you and he's going to prove it by beating you bloody. His is a refreshingly simple track. Hard, heavy, no frills. Just like him.

And then there's our surprise final challenger, Wicked Thunder. She's in a whole other league compared to the others and she knows it. Really, there's not much to say about her that her song doesn't spell out. She's desperate, driven to try the unthinkable thanks to her slowly eroding soul. She's tasted glory but the aftertaste has her choking, and only claiming our soul for her own will cleanse the palate.

That being said, the sheer confidence in her vocals are what really sells her as a serious threat. While most of the song focuses on what she's lost, the chorus is a battle cry, a ringing roar of protest against anyone who thinks she's beaten. The repetition is used excellently throughout, hammering home both her desperation and her conviction. She will win, even if it costs her everything she once held dear.

Anyway, all of this is really to say that I completely adore Arcadion so far and I can't wait to see how the new tiers fold me over a table and shatter my spine from the top rope. They absolutely nailed the wrestling vibes with this tier, right down to the electric theme songs. And to think, this is only the beginning!

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Hi M! How have you been? I'm curious to know if you'll be rating and reviewing ep 5?

Also, I'd like to hear more about your assumptions about Tae? He was there, but he wasn't present, though.

Hi!

Yes, I'll be writing it. I've turned it into a series so I can't just abandon it now, can I? I would've written it last night, but I wasn't feeling inspired. And since this series is not some proper travel show media analysis, I have to compensate with silly remarks. The more serious approach will come later (hopefully 🤞).

[sharonisthebettercarter]

billy butcher and addiction--

felt there's a need for a good and proper analysis for this fucker (as well as i can manage, maybe throw in a bit of a rant on poor fandom etiquette, 'three laws of fandom' are an oldie but a goodie lol) so here we go i guess--

i wanna start by saying this is a full scope character deep dive (sortaish?? best i can do take it or leave it--lol i might go further in depth on specific scenes or whatnot later, i'm longwinded but i'm tryin' to condense as best i can for this, aaaaaaaaaaand long long post ahead--) that def includes elements solidly confirmed in dear becky and probably leans more on comics billy overall, but def does intertwine and interlock with show billy (as they are essentially the same, garth ennis' own words went something like 'he's a perfect billy butcher' lol)

i'll try to avoid spoilers (??) for the most part like dear becky, but there are some things that may need more context (there is quite a bit of in the show that works well enough to represent anyway but i guess we'll see how this goes, i may end up talking more about the show elements and how they parallel with comics billy anyway)

i also think it's worth mentioning that there's a lot to billy (especially in the comic) i feel fandom either ignores, dismisses or doesn't want to acknowledge, or just doesn't notice.

whether from personal bias/prejudice, desire (fitting billy into that 'alpha's alpha' toxic masculinity 'dom top' fever dream 'mold' so to speak, probably--no, definitely the *worst* way to interpret and easiest way bungle up his character, it completely misses the fact that billy has built *that* 'daddy approved' version of himself as a *facade* to *hide* his own shame and insecurity, and he is *so* much more complex than that nonsense (and genuinely uncomfortable and unhappy being that way-beyond the subtle guilt of a constant high). can we talk about the ways in which fandoms promote and perpetuate toxic masculinity--what, no time we'll be here all week?? oh, okay. jesus fucking christ that is exactly as bad if not worse than the maga chud interpretation and unironic worship of homelander--), lack of personal experience/familiarity, understanding--fuck it, even lack of education in media analysis or reading comprehension (if not both), and *especially* being pro-censorship/americentric/*stuck* with purity culture blinders (or even some part of them lingering)

all of those can def make media (and characters like billy) that isn't 'cookie cutter america-approved' fairly difficult to understand or accept (i guess??)

i've seen so much listed to hell and back in attempts to describe comics billy. 'he's a piece of shit' *YES*. 'he's just wish fulfillment for the author's hatred of superheroes' *no*??? let me not get into the complete hypocrisy of someone who writes or enjoys fanfic--the epitome of *wish fulfilment*--unironically complaining about other authors doing this and thinking it's a legit complaint. how does *anyone* read the entire story and come to *that* conclusion???

did you even bother reading the comic? no, i don't mean glossing over it with a completely closed mind while actively ignoring and dismissing everything important put in front of you and designed to make you think because the blood and guts or other is too distracting apparently, i mean *actually* reading it thoroughly and making an effort to think about what's being presented and why, waiting for the drop *instead* of jumping to judge (as is the american way)

and to some degree, i get it. i wouldn't say this comic is the easiest to digest (especially if completely unfamiliar with many of the themes presented, even the show has sparked some ass takes and interpretations) there's also plenty of common misconceptions, one in particular about garth ennis 'hating' superheroes. this is actually not true, what he hates is how the superhero *genre* has bottlenecked the comics industry and what is more likely to see success in it (and as a fellow creative, i completely understand how frustrating that would be, his main interest is actually war stories)

it's def one thing to say, 'nah, i don't vibe with the style' or 'it's not really for me/my taste but it's fine if others like it', i get that, satire and horror aren't for everyone. honest critique is fair even.

but it is a whole 'nother thing entirely to pretend your own personal tastes are *the only 'correct' creative law* and then *vehemently* oppose or hate something an artist created and denounce, harass, or fuck--dehumanize the people who enjoy it, if not the artists who work(ed) on it.

i'm sorry, this is a tangent cause it's def not limited to the hate the boys comics or ennis gets *at all*, it's especially prevalent in *literal* kids media like teen titans go where the thing in question is simply put--*NOT MADE FOR THE SHITHEADS NONSTOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT* when they can literally, *LITERALLY* just *accept* that they weren't the *target audience* and move the fuck on with their day, happy as can be. *instead* of shitting on something *or the people who like it* to make literal *children* or other people feel bad about liking it.

it's one thing to try and educate people or have discourse and discussion, it is another entirely to *bully* them over something so *stupid* as *fiction*.

i especially have a problem with this shit when i have *several* artists tell me that they don't feel *safe* or *welcome* being themselves, liking or creating what *they* want to make in a fandom *because* of the fandom attitude and normalization of *hate* within that fandom.

i *thought* fandoms were supposed to be about *love* so what the fuck is this human tribalist false dichotomy bullshit??

and of course, that's not always the case. there is also an unbelievable level of respect that is given to fanartists and fanfiction writers, and that is *beautiful*. 'don't like, don't read'. *PERFECT*. curate your own content, complain or rant in your own spaces--you're entitled to an opinion, but *accept* that it still has a right to exist and other people still have a right to love it (and aren't wrong for that, opinions cannot be objective), *even if you don't like it*. just don't engage then, it's that simple.

now extend that level of courtesy to the people, artists and writers in the industry.

no, i'm not trying to shut down criticism of media, proper critique is how we learn and grow and understand better and in turn *create* better. yes, they can fumble the fucking bag too, especially when adapting something from a source material and--like *some* fanfic writers out there--think they can do it 'way better'.

but the people in the industry? who bend over backwards, going on strike in some cases, breaking their necks to work on and create the things that we *love* and latch onto?

they're people too. and whether the thing they make goes *exactly* how we want or not, however you feel about the money in the entertainment industry (which they see barely a dime of if those fucking strikes and constant mistreatment are any indication), they don't deserve to be treated like scabs.

that mentality of 'not my personal taste = universally bad' and 'anyone who disagrees with my opinion is wrong' is fucking gross and *extremely elitist*, just straight up announcing how pretentious, obtuse, willfully arrogant and ignorant, and *lacking in self awareness*--the number one easiest way to be the *shittiest* kind of artist/writer/critic--you are. it is *exactly* like cishet white men complaining about something being 'bad' because it's 'woke' or has anything *besides* a cishet white man for the protagonist.

*god forbid something isn't tailor made specifically for them.*

swear to gawd, i got a list of different bullshit and circle jerking i've seen all across different fandoms for different reasons. no i'm not mad at any one person in particular, just a little salty from recurring problems and gatekeeping (ghoulfucking-GHOULFUCKING OF ALL THINGS I--I CANNOT) if not straight up bullying (does it really make a bitch feel *so* much better to try and hurt other people for liking what they, and let's be honest, are not willing to give the time of day?) in fandoms. (the complete audacity of people to complain about a media being 'childish' or 'bad' because 'insert nonsensical trivial bullshit here that holds no weight because it's personal taste if not flat out wrong and not actual critique' and then turn around and throw the biggest fucking tantrums about it--let me not get into the whole sharon carter debacle jesus christ--)

same shit. different pile.

also, fuck me. i keep *forgetting* that genuinely valid critique (*not* personal taste/opinion, proper critique pertains to things like techniques used, composition, narrative consistency and plot holes, goals of the artist/writer, accomplishments of those goals, etc.) is something that needs proper education and understanding all on its own which not a whole ton of people get or even know, which just goes to show--i'm a dumbass too. (but i won't deny that plenty of 'critics' are full of shit and *know* this but use their 'personal taste' as 'critique' *anyway* because... they enjoy being complete assholes and discouraging other artists i guess.)

y'all, take a class or two in art critique and literature analysis. you'll learn all the cool lingo (to later forget if you're like me~), and maybe (hopefully) walk out with a bit more of an open mind wanting to encourage more art in the world, even if you don't personally like it. take a moment to *listen* to differing opinions in their *entirety* and you might even gain a new perspective.

*no one* should be ashamed to ask questions or admit they don't know or understand something and fuck the people that would make you feel that way. *we can and should help each other.*

but stagnant or hostile fandoms with no self awareness and perpetuated elitism circle jerks? *really* fucking shameful, regardless of the form or where they are.

ANYWHO--

ugh, fuck. okay. i think i'm done with that tangent, back on topic--

BILLY BEAN~<3

and i want to reiterate that *again*, dear becky *does* confirm pretty much everything i'm going to discuss here tho technically speaking, nothing is spoiled here as it's just reiterating what is implicit (if not stated outright) throughout the series.

as far as dear becky goes, it's a good final gut-wrenching piece to the series and i loved it, but it definitely leaned on more of 'tell' instead of 'show, don't tell' (no duh in context, but probably because the rest of the comic did the 'show'--very well imo but it still flew over peoples' heads and made them misplace their brains--i'm sorry, i've just lost so much patience for the lack of reading comprehension and media literacy, but honestly? ennis is genuinely too good at knowing how to spark a strong emotional reaction in readers. and can we talk about the dense mofos that *make* authors have to 'tell' just to confirm something that is heavily implied--what, no time? oh, fuck, fine.)

OKAY--

addiction.

what about it, and why am i mentioning it. well. because if it's not clear by now, william butcher is an addict.

and it is one of, if not the core element that drives him to do what he does.

not becky or becca. not justice.

addiction.

and i don't mean traditional substance abuse (though he admits there has been as much in his life, especially with alcohol, his drug of choice is a bit more complex and maybe not so easy to spot on the surface for those unfamiliar with addiction).

in the show, we even see him mention that he's 'done 'em all' and there's *nothing* like temp v--and it's because temp v *amplifies* his *addiction* to the highest level it could exist on.

something else to note, there's a ton of stigma and widespread (ableist) misconception surrounding addiction still (which may be part of why people may not want to recognize it in billy), but it is absolutely a clinical mental disorder and people who suffer from it should be treated as *medical patients*, not reduced to violent criminals and scumbags. (fuck you drug war and prohibition, you are the root of organized crime and you're racist as shit.) it's also possible to become addicted to *anything*. and i mean *anything*.

if you can repeat a behavior and your brain no longer cares whether or not that behavior is causing you harm because there is a *compulsive* urge for that *repetition* or a specific result from it? that is addiction. money, anger, pain, violence, self harm, attention, love...

you'd think the last one might be okay, but it's not. it's an easy way to get caught in the infinite loop of an abusive relationship, just with promise of it. no delivery necessary.

but it doesn't have to be drugs that cause addiction. hell, gambling addiction is a thing all it's own that can get *incredibly* severe.

and listen, too much of *anything* can be horrible for you. fucking coconut will give you the runs if you eat too much that shit is *not* fun pun intended--

i digress.

in billy's case? he's actually addicted to two i just listed.

violence. and self harm.

i mentioned before that what drives billy has next to nothing to do with what happened to becky or becca.

there's a common misconception that, at the end of the day, billy does have some level of good intent behind his actions, and to a degree this is true in the *complete reverse* of what people often assume, and this is proven repeatedly in both the show (with just what we have seen) and comic (where its laid out too heavily to ignore).

setting aside the fact that there's *never* a good 'rEaSoN' to commit or even attempt *genocide* (EVER. i have ZERO patience for the constant apologism of this bullshit, SWEAR TO GAWD FANDUMB--) and billy's genocidal tendencies on their own, the idea that 'he goes after homelander for becca' or 'justice' has been completely debunked.

'justice is not vengeance'

something to always keep in mind.

but... in the first season? hughie called him out on this.

butcher calls him a 'disgrace to robin's memory', and hughie--bless his little heart, responds with 'i think i'm doing this *for* her.'

it's an interesting response, because hughie is essentially saying--

'you'll *die* for this woman, but that's not what she would have wanted. i'm going to *live* for robin, and for *annie*, because *that's* what she would have wanted.'

and he's absolutely right. billy loved becca, would have died for her. but he refuses to listen and *live* for her.

the group therapist too even before hughie. she literally laid it all out, front and center in the clearest way possible, 'it's a defense mechanism', and then butcher had his little meltdown just before telling hughie about becca, everything he can, including *using* other peoples tragedies and his own *specifically* to manipulate hughie and try and make sure *starlight* can't *save* him from what butcher is trying to turn him into.

*so that hughie stays stuck on his reason to die, instead of finding one to live.*

in the second season, *becca* herself calls him out on this, multiple times.

'you put me on this pedestal but i never knew how to save you'.

'--i didn't come to you, i went to vought--.'

and that's just it, becca (and becky in the comic) is *intimately* familiar with billy's *addiction* and the underlying mental health issues he *wouldn't address*. she didn't tell him what happened even after the shock of it because she *knew* that it would just become a reason for billy to *give in* and be his worst self to a degree where she would *lose him* regardless of what she felt or asked for from him.

she felt she had to *suffer in silence* to *protect him* from *himself*, something that ends up *destroying* her.

becca wanted to *save* billy, but more importantly, she wanted *him* to *save himself* because she *believed in him*, *so much*.

'i never wanted that for you.'

she doesn't want billy to drown and suffer or cause harm in his own hatred and addictions. she *loved* him so much so, that she was willing to *drown herself* if it meant she could save *him*. she loved him *too much*.

billy's mum too, even tries to help in her own way. (she is much less aware of billy's activity in the comic, but we'll come back to her. for the show, this was likely in response to seeing the news about *stillwell*, something his dad fucking *praised* him for)

'--that he wouldn't have this hold on you--'

billy's actions are almost entirely driven by the *addiction* his father forced on him. on doing the things that would make his 'daddy' *proud*. and the thing is, he's *fully aware* of this.

he constantly *says* that *becca* is his 'reason', that she was his *cure*, but she's the *excuse*. his *new addiction* and *self medication* (also billy, you fucking cunt you *know* what you do and have no leg to stand on when it comes to self medicating--)

both in the worst of what he does and his rejection of addressing his own traumas, and she is *unwilling* in this endeavor. she never wanted this hate to consume him, she never wanted all of this death with her name as the signature, *she never wanted billy to be his father*, much less be something much worse.

he even admits as much in the third season when he hallucinates lenny who tells him his actions would 'break becca's heart'

billy responds something along the lines of 'becca's dead, it doesn't matter what she thinks'. (a line presented in the comic even more harshly, but it drives the point home perfectly.)

when he sees lenny again in his nightmare--

'i'm not that bastard--.'

'come off it billy, you always have been. cause anyone who's ever loved you, you end up gettin' 'em killed, don't ya--.'

'--the last person on god's green earth tryin' to stop you from bein' a monster, and what do you do? drag him down to your level... when he dies... and he will... then no can stop you.'

OOF OUCH OWIE--. the lenny stuff hits so damn hard but it represents *perfectly* what butcher's own *internalized beliefs* are.

mallory calls him out on it literally every season.

'--but billy! not the others!'

'it's like asking a cockroach to not be a cockroach--'

'--because it wouldn't stop with just homelander--'

'this was never about ryan or becca, it was always selfish. the hate inside that you want to let loose on the world.'

'--i was wrong... you are your father, always have been...'

and then there's billy's subsequent impulsive reaction to push ryan away, and *be his father*.

but hell, even in gen v when mallory is speaking to shetty.

and truthfully, billy was even showing *withdrawal* symptoms at the beginning of the third season.

billy himself, even *self punishes*, picking fights he knows he *won't* win as a way to counterbalance *and* satisfy his own addiction, infinite loop. vicious cycle.. (ooh i will def be coming back to the big one here--), and we see this in one *HUGE* way, and in many many smaller ways, but even in the more literal sense of going to bars, starting trouble, and laughing or smiling when he's getting beat the fuck up or *losing*.

it's even highlighted in the show, billy *seeking out violence* and conflict whether he should or not, *especially* when unnecessary. getting his own face busted up and smiling because of it is something that happens multiple times in the comic (even on accident in one instance), and is def given a place in the show. it's easy to pass off as billy simply being a masochist (which is def true lmao he does admit as much), but there's also more to it than that and it goes hand in hand with his *addiction* and--

what he thinks he deserves.

billy *hates himself* so *severely* that he actually *does not believe* that he is capable of the *good* that others, such as lenny, becca, his mum, and hughie are willing to *see* in him. he *completely* believes it when others say that 'he is his father' (internalizes it, struggles with it, and frequently acts on it).

he puts on a show. bravado, posture, and 'confidence'. and he's so good at putting on that front, that he can fool himself, even for a moment. and those that believe it will even *enable* him. and the people he feels *nothing* for? again, he maintains the front. he lives his life *masking*, *faking it*--so fucking hard. homelander could never--

and it's not even necessarily the result of toxic masculinity. don't get me wrong, he def has some issues with that lingering (y'all, if you have *say* you're an 'alpha' and posture out your sweet little ass off 24/7, you're def *not* an 'alpha' lmfao), but it's more so his own *trauma* that forces him to *cling* to that.

but when he *loves*, and he loves *deeply*, he completely rolls over and shows his belly like a kitten<3... when he was with becky, he was happy and comfortable, and all of that *ridiculousness* just melted away completely... he didn't feel any need for it because he felt *safe*, because this constant *insecurity* and feeling of being *threatened* all the damn time looming overhead had suddenly cleared up with becky there.

it's not even so much that billy doesn't feel fear. he might not traditionally (at all if his amygdala is damaged), but considering the fight or flight response, billy's *default* setting literally *is* that *fight* response. he's the way he is because he is *always* afraid and he's been conditioned for it to manifest itself as *rage*.

we see bits of his love come through in a few moments he has with people he has genuine care for. (the way he loves his mum and she instantly calms him down is genuinely so sweet.)

but it's always gonna come back down to 'daddy dearest'.

because of him, *billy is afraid of living*.

and--

his father. *is proud of him*.

billy is *just like him* or *everything he wanted to be* as a *man*, or at least is compelled to *project* this on the surface. and everything in *billy* that *is* his father, *just like him*, is *everything* that billy *hates*. so it manifests into an *intense* self loathing and spiraled addiction that magnifies the worst of what his father *forced* on him.

he *doesn't want* to be *his father*, but he feels, and fully believes that *he already is*. his self hatred is another form of *hating his father*, because *he is that man's legacy*.

so *billy* doesn't *believe* that he deserves love or goodness or care from other people (a parallel we see in homelander, presented a bit differently.) so he 'doesn't care'. makes excuses to not care (about people in general, if not just the very *prominent* antisocial tendencies), or leave, or push them away, lashing out to give *them* the excuse to leave him, because he is *afraid* and in his own mind, *unworthy*.

he's *afraid* of being loved, of *losing* that love, of *hurting* those he loves. he is *afraid* of being his own father.

but it's all he's ever known, all he's ever been *conditioned* to be. intoxicated, ever present, it's this terrible thing that destroys him but he *can't* stop. *addiction*.

and what better way to protect those he loves than to keep himself as *far* away from them as possible? than to *make* them hate him. than to do the *wrong* thing, to *disappoint* them. self sabotage. self punishment.

he can't stop himself. he deserves it.

lather, rinse, repeat.

so what does that mean for homelander, or even the reason he goes after homelander? the *real* reason.

'there must be *some* good in him because homelander 'must be' this 'ultimate evil that *must* be stopped', right?

not really. he's a symptom of a much greater evil, but he was never the root of it. if billy really wanted to solve the problems at hand and get *justice*, he'd go after *vought*, NOT homelander.

homelander is not even the real villain in *billy's* mind, in all actuality.

what homelander *is*?

temptation.

he is... the *ultimate* final high for billy. in terms of addiction to both *violence* and *self punishment*.

he doesn't actually go after homelander because he wants to 'stop him' or even kill him. not really. there are times billy starts a fight *expecting* to *lose*, *wanting* it. homelander *is* one of those times to the most intense degree that billy could find. and he even senses this when they first meet--unnecessarily, privately insulting the man because why?

because he feels *threatened*. because he feels *insecure*. because if homelander is *truly good*, even with *all that power*--

then billy has no fucking excuse--

it is, in essence, the same exact reaction that lex luthor has to superman. forcing himself to *challenge* him because of a *constant* sense of *fear*. (except lex *is* afraid of dying, so 1000% a huge coward lmao--)

but~, when he finds out homelander is *bad*?

homelander is billy's *failsafe*

to stop the person he feels is the most terrible evil of all *and* to set the world on fire in the process. a way for billy to kill two birds with one stone. compelled by his addiction to *chase* this ideation relentlessly.

homelander is to billy--his ultimate end, self punishment, a death wish, a *suicide attempt*.

and a way to *unleash his hatred onto the rest of the world*, *to make it burn*, even after his death. (this would be why despite many many MANY warnings to *not* push homelander *because of the catastrophe this will ultimately instigate and the loss of life this is bound to result in*--billy does not give a shit about the potential consequences. he welcomes them--)

if homelander were a *nuke*, billy would want to *launch* him. right now, homie is more like the *demon core*, incredibly dangerous and in some instances lethal, but not *yet* explosive.

billy *wants* the *warhead*.

it was why he got *so excited* at the *chance* of homelander offering him 'scorched earth'.

the man read billy like an open fucking book, and set the bait--

y'all, in other words, homie straight up went to billy's house and offered *crack* to the *crack addict*--fuck yeah he's gonna take that offer!

homelander never actually perceives billy as a real threat *at all* (safe to say, this is the main reason he doesn't kill him. there's a bit of personal complex combined with the deals/blackmail/request involved, but this would also be why he doesn't *hesitate* to 'kill' billy at herogasm. he genuinely gives no fucks about this poor man or his many anal complexes and daddy issues beyond the mild entertainment he gets from him and just how *easy* it is to read billy or rile him up. maybe a *dash* of novelty being found in billy's obsession with him. i'll go into the homie side of things in depth maybe someday soon lol but for now--)

and here's the thing, homelander isn't the *only* failsafe. he is simply the *ultimate failsafe*

included in all the possible bad habits billy has is pawning off his *responsibility* and personal accountability, even his *will to do good* onto others.

i mentioned before that becca (becky) was like a new addiction for him. and she was. in a sense, billy was using her to self medicate. she loved him, gave him love and made him feel good, no pain, no shame--but also no pause to think about that pain, self hatred and self doubt and actively address it. she was a way to not worry about his own *goodness* because she was an *easy* reason for him to *want* to be good.

and something important to note?

billy feels that he has *cheated* on becca/becky *since* the day she left/died. (there's a whole ass deliciously intricate story there but i'm trying to avoid the spoilers lmao. kind of a freebie hint i guess.)

lenny and hughie similarly make an effort to *hold butcher back* and reach out to him. (everyone does honestly, but not everyone is so successful with it). and butcher lets them, but *also* removes the agency of his own choice in the matter.

he doesn't just *let them* make him *good*, he doesn't believe he's capable of stopping himself on his own--but he believes in *them* because they *are* good, *truly good*.

hughie all on his own is *another kind of failsafe* and lo and behold, even calls butcher out on this by the end of the third season (theme is prevalent in the comic a lil different but again spoilers lol):

'i don't think you want to do this. i think you want me to stop you.'

*ding*ding*ding*!

nail on the head, hughie... butcher does not believe he can stop himself. so he sets up *failsafes* to do as much.

and let me just say, it is *unbelievably* shitty of him to do that, to pawn off the responsibility of his own behavior, whether good or pure evil onto other people. but i get it. and it fucking breaks my heart for him.

because *that* is addiction. it feels like mind control. aggressive compulsion. you feel ashamed, and hate yourself, and don't care if you hurt yourself or even others. but you keep *hoping*, *wishing*, *leaving a breadcrumb trail* so that *someone*, *anyone*, will come along and--

*save you. from you.*

and when you stop believing in yourself, in your own willpower to fight against this *thing* that just completely *destroys* you from the inside out... without *anyone* on your side, what else is left to do but to numb the pain?

i was able to recognize billy's addiction right off the bat because i've *been* to a lot of the places he has been. including the addiction. and he makes me so *fucking* mad because it's like seeing a version of myself *still stuck*, *still lost*, *still trapped* by my own issues and self loathing, and all of the abuse i've gone through--

and the biggest fuck up, the biggest *abuser* is me.

i can't *escape* me. *no one* can escape *themself*.

that fucker breaks my heart to pieces because *i have been there*, and i know just how fucking hard it is to *be* there, just how much harder it is to *get out* and start to *learn*--*who is it you really wanna be? who are you without this drug?*

and something he even says in the comics on a few occasions is--

'i'm not really here, i'm somewhere else watching this happen'

asserting that he *truly* believes that he has *no control* over *what* he is. (in contrast with homelander, who feels the weight of something similar but more literally in some regard, and in relation to so many other aspects in his life with the world around him.)

billy butcher *is* the *true villain* of *his own story*

of his own making.

he's not after homelander or even vought. he doesn't blame society or even his father at this point. he blames himself. and he's *given up* entirely on fighting himself. he's looking for his *overdose*.

*that's homelander*

ain't that a kick in the head...

it's part of what makes their relationship and dynamic so incredibly electric and titillating. it's got nothing to do with becca or becky.

butcher sees homelander as an easy way out. as a way to control the narrative, *maintain his own*, and *stop the bad guy* without bringing someone *good*, like *hughie*, down to his level.

he *sees* the parallels, a kindred spirit. he *knows* the potential. and he wants to be the *spark* to light all that *gasoline*.

because then it won't be his fault anymore. his *guilt*. he'll have passed on his *curse*.

likewise, he actually goes after supes in general for a similar enough reason, and it ties in with why he *doesn't* go after vought directly.

billy actually *likes* the status quo. to a degree, *needs* it, *needs vought*

because *vought* is the *creator* of his *supply*, feeding this addiction. and we hear billy say this in both the comic and show--

'with great power comes the absolute certainty that you'll turn into a right cunt.'

and billy actually believes this--about himself.

when he says it about other supes and even his intense hatred of them, it is a *projection* of his own issues and what he believes to be true for himself (that he would do the absolute worst thing imaginable given the opportunity). and in a way, going after them is in some ways a metaphor for stopping and destroying himself, hating himself, as much as it is a way to maintain his addiction.

and--

maintain the narrative he has built--that he is the true villain.

and if that's the case, well... it takes a *hero* to stop a *villain*, right?

but also--y'all remember that scene in the suicide squad where polkadot man imagines everyone as his mum? how he imagines starro as his mum?

yeah, that.

that's basically billy. every fucking supe, including starlight, and kimiko, and let's *really* not talk about what this means about him sleeping with maeve in context with his 'supe=daddy' issues, but even the person he sees in the mirror. *all of them* are *his father*.

listen, i'm not kidding. billy's daddy issues are seriously severe, so fucking bad, i--

his actions aren't for becca or becky or ryan or justice. even he *knows* that's bullshit and admits as much (which just makes fandom denying it that much more fucked). but they're not even *just because* or because he's genocidal, antisocial, or anything else. he *does* want someone to stop him. he's sane enough to recognize his actions for what they truly are *behind* the mask.

billy's actions are a volatile and violent *cry for help*, because he never learned how to *ask*, or even how to *believe in himself*.

he never truly learned that *he never had to be his father*, and he didn't *need* becky or becca, lenny or hughie to *be good*.

i actually think billy's greatest magic trick is convincing even the audience and readers that he is a *total*, complete piece of shit. and don't get me wrong, he is *def* a huge, massive, incredibly rank and ripe piece of shit--.

and y'all, i'm sorry if you believed him and got played like a damn fiddle, him and homie def throwin' in some hard balls--

but he's also still human. he also still needs just as much if, honestly? maybe even more, fucking *help* than homelander. which kind of draws back into their parallels. the tomfoolery of fandom might have you believe that billy is less complex or more put together than homelander, but their situations go hand in hand and the evidence suggests (if not confirms) something quite different.

billy's plight and even goal in some sense is *convincing the rest of his world that he is a monster*. driven by the addiction his father gave him. enabled by the world around him.

homelander's? it's actually the complete opposite. his struggle is with *his world convincing him that he is a monster*, and in turn, against his own instincts, *growing* into that role. when in reality, he never got the chance to decide for himself, it was decided *for* him a long long time ago.

'i think, therefore i am.'

'i can, therefore i must.'

however, *our actions cannot define who we are, because we can choose our actions*. good or bad are not something you inherently *are*, they are something you *choose to do*.

it paints what in turn becomes quite the brutal and tragic picture when these two forces meet. homelander and billy are both of the mindset that they *don't have a choice*.

and this bit is a bit more of a personal thought, but regarding billy's mum, she was *becky*. she was sweet, and kind, and cared for her family more than anything. *it didn't matter what she suffered, she was willing to drown if it meant saving the people she loved*.

as much as i adore how cute becca and billy were, i don't think she would have saved him.

i think the implication is that she would have either 'drowned' trying and become his mum, history repeating itself in a vicious cycle as billy spread his disease to any child they could have.

or that she would have lost her mind. and in turn *become* the person billy spread his disease to, if not another enabler for him. if not billy's choice of drug, maybe she would have taken up something else and eventually overdosed. i would even say the show implies this outcome with both becca and hughie, as the more butcher pushes--the more worn down they get.

if you put enough pressure on someone--they break.

becca was *good* for him. but billy was so, so fucking *bad* for her.

it begs the question of whether or not billy *is* right, if he really is this monster, *fated* to become his father in the worse of ways. of whether or not it's too late for him.

he's certainly not 'normal' or 'right' or 'good' or even an 'anti-hero'. at best, you could maybe call him an 'anti-villain', he is meant to be the deuterantagonist.

it def doesn't help that every time he has the *chance* to do the right thing, *someone* goes and enables him, gives him a reason to do the *wrong* thing.

fucking maeve in that last episode of the third season. but she's def not the only one, and def not the only time. (and yes, if it wasn't clear enough, being completely fucking indifferent to killing *thousands* of people to go after *one* fucking guy is in fact, the *wrong* thing to do.)

butt.

rewatching the scenes with lenny and billy's reaction, and even the final fight, showed something of a *possible* silver lining.

billy *enjoys* rejecting his father. actually pretty fucking greatly if we're being honest. generally speaking, it's when he *rejects* his father and everything that man represents that billy is at his *happiest* (lmao the epitome of an unfulfilled submissive sweetheart and bratty bossy bottom~<3<3<3)

there's a moment, where soldier boy says something along the lines of--

'--fuck you. you're weaker than he is.'

in regards to homelander. it's sort of glossed over, but this is billy's reaction to essentially being called a 'disgrace' so to speak by a toxic 'alpha male'.

y'all see that? it's a smile. lmao a smirk.

this is a moment where billy is protecting *ryan* and keeping his promise to becca. it's a moment where billy is *doing the right thing*, all on *his own* (mostly lol i'm sure there's a roundabout way to justify it in his head). and i think that's key.

it's not just a moment he's proud of himself and has a legitimate fucking reason to be proud of himself, (oh btw, we shoulda *all* been proud of billy in this moment), it's a moment he's *breaking through what his father made him* and his own *addiction*.

and he's doing it *selflessly* and--*without setting that responsibility on another person*.

so we *know* he has it in him, he always has. even becky *in the comic* kept trying to convince billy that *he is capable of good without her*. and again, we actually saw this in the second season when becca and ryan were reunited and billy *changed* his plans, *for becca*, instead of doing the selfish thing and selling ryan back to vought.

but if billy doesn't believe it himself...

i don't think billy is right about himself. but it is very *very* difficult for someone to *correct course* so to speak, once they have their *core beliefs*, lay out their own destiny and start along a *self fulfilling prophecy*, something him and homelander *both* do.

enter ryan.

and suddenly (lol probably in part due to reading dear becky lol), there was a bit of... not so much new, as *confirmed* perspective in play after that rewatch, something to *look* for and ponder in regards to *why* ryan may have been added for this story, a question in mind--

'would it be wrong of *ryan* to want to save his father?'

was it wrong of becca or becky, hughie or lenny, even his mum, to want to save billy?

how would *billy* even begin to answer such questions?

a different answer for the two would be a clear hypocritical bias (which lol i would not put past billy, but i also wouldn't be surprised if he maintained consistent thinking by answering *yes* to both)

. . .

y'all...

i still can't say i'm particularly optimistic about things turning out alright for either gent or ryan, butt~<3

garth ennis literally made the saddest, most pathetic, deliciously sweet, perfectly precious, extra emo tsun tsun baby boi ever, and put him right under our noses.

some a y'all fucking sneezing all over him, straight up sleepin' on all his *best* bits. how are we not utilizing billy butcher *properly~<3<3<3*????

;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[tangledinink]

Chapter Ten of I'm Sorry, Teenage Mutant What Now? is up! :0 Betraying my system and posting one chapter early because it was one of my favorites to write and I'm excited... the boys return to school for the first time in a while, and, of course, it goes VERY well... read it on ao3 or below the cut!

[ prev ]

(cw: depictions of panic attacks, a lil bit of blood and fighting)

Oh god. He could not do this. What was he thinking? What were any of them thinking?! This was going to be a complete disaster. 

Leo's sneakers were still pointed in the direction of the school, and he was walking towards it, but he wanted oh so desperately to turn tail and run. He wouldn't. He wasn't gonna back out or ditch his family... but oh pizza supreme in the sky did he want to. 

He really, really hoped that this was worth it.

They had all agreed to the plan days ago, discussing it at length and reviewing the pros and cons. And when they had that original conversation, Leo had been all for it! It seemed like a good idea when Donnie pitched it... at the time. 

"Right. So. As you all know, I've been doing some research on the mystic artifacts that we recovered from Dad's room. There's not a ton I can find online, which I was expecting, but I've been doing some analysis on the actual items themselves and some of the readings they're giving, and--"

"You found something?" Raph interrupted, his eyes widening. Donnie had hesitated.

"Well. Not exactly," they had explained, wincing a bit. "There is definitely a pattern in what I'm seeing, and it seems like most mystic energy has a particular molecular build, if you will, so to speak. I mean, it's really not quite as simple as that, it sort of is less molecular and more next-to-molecular... It's pretty fascinating, actually, I mean, I can't imagine that anyone would notice these kinds of signatures unless they were actively looking for them, it’s really on detectable via--"

"Donnie!"

"Right. Sorry. The point is, I have a foundation. I have the buildings of an equation here, but I don't have any values to input into it yet, so I can't do anything with it. And that," they swiveled in their desk chair to point, grinning big. "Is where Mikey comes in."

They had all turned to look at their youngest brother, who absolutely beamed in response, oozing sunshine in a way Leo hadn't seen in nearly two weeks. 

"Did you guys know he can see auras?"

"I'm sorry, he can what?" Raph echoed.

"Well, 'aura' is the placeholder term I'm using for ease of communication at the moment. I'll label it with a proper term later. Mikey likes to call them ‘life colors.’ But the point is, according to Mikey, at least from what he can tell, pretty much everyone in the world has a unique 'life color.' I wasn’t really sure if I was gonna be able to go anywhere with this at first, but after discussing it at length and running a few tests, I’m fairly certain it is, in fact, a measurable mystic quality that I could figure out how to sample. So, in other words, a unique signature. In other other words..."

 Donnie had paused, expecting someone to finish the sentence. His family stared at him blankly. Donnie huffed a bit in annoyance, rolling his eyes.

"In other words, gentleman, (and April,) we have our values. If we know that everyone has a unique 'life color' signature associated with them, in addition to knowing that mystical energy itself has a unique signature associated with it, and if I’m able to detect and read both these signatures with my tech, I can, theoretically, generate a tracking algorithm capable of sweeping and zeroing in on these specific data points, and--"

"And you can find Dad!" Raph finished the sentence this time, his eyes absolutely alight. Wait, really!? They had a lead? They had a lead! Leo had all but jumped up from his seat on Donnie’s bed, bounding over to join his twin at their computer. 

"Alright, Dee! I knew you could do it!" He cheered. "So what are we waiting for!? Let's go get Dad already!"

"Well," Donnie held up his hands, and Leo paused. Wait, well? What was the problem?

"I can generate a tracking algorithm and software with a margin of error. And right now, the data pool we're working with is not especially impressive," Donnie muttered, turning back to the monitors and gesturing to a bunch of charts and numbers that none of them understood. They had all gathered and leaned in to look anyway. "As it stands, anything I build will likely not be especially accurate, if it works at all. I've already spent some time with it, and it turns out that there are... a lot of people in New York City," he said dryly. "Which makes this difficult."

 "Then... what do we do?" April questioned, frowning.

 Mikey had grinned, puffing out his chest. "We get more data!"

Leo had originally suggested that they just go camp in Times Square and people-watch, and collect a shit-ton of data that way, but as Donnie had explained it, it wasn't quite so simple. Just inputting the life colors of random people from off the street wasn't really going to train the AI he was coding to do much of anything. The software he was hoping to build wasn't going to have the same 'gift' as Mikey, and wouldn't be able to just 'see' people's life colors. They'd have to teach it how to do so by associating 'colors' with other data points, such as blood type, birthdays, thermo-magnetic signatures, and a bunch of other fancy words Leo didn't recognize, in order to try to find a pattern that could be used to identify and track such things. So it could learn to ‘see’ life colors on its own. In other words, they could only use the 'life colors' of people who they could find again and collect further data on. People who they could reliably locate over a period of time. People who they were able to access other records for...

And Donnie could hack into the school's database in his sleep. So.

Here they were.

At the time, it had seemed like a reasonable plan. Go to school, Mikey can collect a list of kids and their life colors, Donnie pulls data from the school's records, and the rest of them fill in the blanks with whatever weird tests Donnie said they needed. They were all sneaky enough that they could scan a kid's magnetic energy or whatever incognito. It was a good plan. They had even managed to convince Carol that they were ready to go back to school after several long conversations, insisting that staying home and not seeing any of their friends were just making things worse, etc etc.

But oh my god. Now they were here, walking up to the building, and all Leo could think was this is a horrible idea. He kept trying to tell himself maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe not that many kids knew, maybe no one was gonna say anything, but who was he kidding? He was sure the whole ass school had taken notice of their two-week absence and knew perfectly well by now that their dad was missing. It had only been circulating through the news and every social media platform that had ever existed on repeat since it happened. 

Everyone was gonna be looking at him with those sad, sorry-for-you eyes that he couldn't stand. It was gonna be awkward. And he was not even a little bit excited about it.  Dammit, he had had his phone on 'do not disturb' for the past two weeks for exactly this reason. 

But he had said he would do it. So. 

Here they were.

"Alright," Raph said, turning to face the rest of the group, just outside of the front doors. Leo could already feel other kids watching them. He thought back to his and Mikey's conversation that one time when they went to gymnastics. How things were normal, but also weren't at all, and just let them all in the lurch in this uncanny-valley sort of space. "We all know the game plan?"

"Yes sir," they all responded, though not with quite enthusiasm or coordination as they usually did. Leo could tell that everyone was nervous. I mean, jesus. He couldn't blame them.

"Alright," Raph bit the insides of his cheeks. Also nervous. "Everyone keep your phones on. And text the group chat if anything happens. We can always leave if we gotta, I mean, if you guys wanna go home--"

"Oh-ho-ho!" Leo remarked with a grin. "What happened to ‘no skipping class?’"

"Leo--"

"This is a great change of pace," he continued, desperate to break the tension. "But don't worry! We're gonna be fine-- we got this! And if anything happens, we'll just ninja our way out of here, no problem."

"No, if anything happens, we call April's mom to pick us up--"

"Same thing! We've got this one-thousand percent until control. Right, Magic Mike?" Leo teased, nudging his brother, who forced a half-hearted grin in response. "See? He's all over it. Okay, now what's that thing Raph always says? Don’t do anything Raph wouldn’t do? Don't be late to class? That thing! Everyone go do that!" He said, grabbing Donnie by the hand and promptly marching off. 

Oh, he could feel the eyes on the back of his head. But soooo worth it to end the awkward, anxious air. If this was what the entire day was gonna be like, he wasn't gonna make it. He could tell you that right now.

He wasn't sure Donnie was, either. Was he, like, legit shaking? Crap. Okay, come on. We can fix this.

"I mean it, you know," he said, slowing his pace slightly and releasing his grip, shifting into an easy stride next to his twin rather than dragging them along behind him. "You've got this, Dee. If anyone can figure out this whole mess, it's you, right? Once Mikey has all that data stuff, we'll be all set."

"Yeah..." Donnie said, not sounding anywhere near as confident as Leo was used to, staring down at his boots. Aw, man. 

"Oh, come on. Where's your enthusiasm? Where's the brother I know and love?" Leo bade, elbowing him slightly, but failing to make any actual physical contact with him. He had already pushed it by grabbing his hand, no need to pile on top of that... "Where's your... your thing! Your emotionless passion!"

"Here," Donnie mumbled in a tone just barely one step above a whine, hunching his shoulders slightly. "It's fine. I do have this. Today is just gonna suck." 

Leo sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. 

 "... Yeah. I know. We just gotta... get through it. Keep our heads down, muscle through, and once today is over, it's over. No biggie!"

Even he didn't believe it. Regardless, the pair made their way to homeroom-- though at an admittedly much slower pace than usual, with no racing, jumping, leaping, or flipping. It almost felt foreign, and Leo was half tempted to tag his brother and take off running. Muscle memory begged him to. But he knew that neither of them really felt up for it, and besides, the last thing they needed were even more eyes on them. Leo tried to emit his very best, 'do not look at me, talk to me, or fuck with me,' vibes as they entered the classroom, sticking close to his twin. That wasn't usually his forte-- it was more Donnie's, if anything-- but it was at least enough to ward off the masses until the first official bell of the day rang.

Leo's stomach was in absolute fucking knots. 'Cause he knew that he had geometry first period in the upper east wing of the school... and Donnie had history in the west. 

For a moment, he felt like a second grader again, terrified of his twin brother moving on without him and leaving him behind to go to school all by himself. He swallowed hard, lingering in the hallway just long enough to give Donnie a grin and sign a reassurance that he could text him if anything happened. Donnie had frowned, nodded, and they had parted. 

It did not feel good. 

He was trying to talk himself down from the ledge, resisting the urge to run after his brother and tackle him and cling to him, like, no, don't leave me alone!, when he rounded the corner and caught sight of a face across the hall that made him freeze.

"Leo!" Chase immediately called out when they made eye contact.

Dammit. He knew he was forgetting something. Actually, you know what? Fuck geometry. Who needs geometry? Leo made an immediate about-face, spinning on his heels and going exactly back the way he just came. Opting out of this conversation, thank you very much. 

"Leo!" He heard his despite-not-talking-in-literally-two-weeks-technically-still-boyfriend shout from behind him again, no doubt in pursuit, and Leo cursed in every language that he knew, picking up the pace. No no no no. He was so not in the mood for this. This was the last thing he needed. He barely even liked Chase that much on, like, a good day, he was just kinda cute and had decent taste in music! He had no intention of discussing any bit of, like, this whole situation with him. 

Gymnastics lessons, don't fail me now. Leo ducked and weaved past students as fast as he dared, dancing around, over, and occasionally through them, not really caring that much if he bumped or elbowed anyone. Sorry, he had priorities! A quick glance over his shoulder told him that, no, somehow, he still had not lost Chase, who was, in fact, living up to his name at the moment, and oh my god, was he panicking? He was pretty sure he was panicking, great, cool, no problem! Let's run with it! Mikey said that feeling emotions was healthy or whatever, and wow, was he feeling it!

 He nearly wiped out a couple of freshmen as he flung himself around a corner and down a side hall, his sneakers sliding noisily against the linoleum as he all but smacked into the nearest door he could find. Okay, running wasn't working, how about hiding? Just had to duck away somewhere for a minute and lay low, and it'd all be fine, and he wouldn't have to deal with this or talk about any of this or talk to him--

 He blanched when the door failed to budge. What?! No, no, no, come on! Open, you've gotta open! He glanced around frantically for an alternative exit plan, but there was nothing around that he'd be able to get to before Chase caught up.

 "Come on. Come on. Open, open, open, move, dammit, move--" He hissed under his breath, rearing back before shoving against the door with his entire weight.

 He yelped in surprise when he fell flat on his face, gravel stinging his cheeks and shifting beneath him, a shocking blast of icy cold wind cutting through him like a knife. What the--? Leo sat up quickly, brushing the dirt and pebbles from himself with a splutter as he glanced around at his surroundings.

"Oh, for fuck's sake..."

The good news was that he had lost Chase. 

Bad news was that he was on the roof. 

Okay... so we can definitely rule out sleepwalking.

---

Donnie had learned years ago, though admittedly a bit later than most, that the internet couldn't always be trusted. He knew by now that it wasn't reasonable to always expect things to go the way they were described on online forums or in web articles, and understood the concept of 'expectations VS reality...'

But that didn't make the reality any better.

Because he had come prepared, right? They knew that this was going to suck, and they did what any good scholar would do in such a situation-- research. They had Googled it, had looked up 'what to expect when returning to work/school after a personal tragedy,' (because Googling 'after your Dad gets kidnapped' hadn't yielded any good results and Donnie figured it must have been too specific,) and he had read the WikiHow, the reddit forums, the Quora threads, and all the other articles in between. He had prepped!

But jesus christ. None of them had mentioned how much touching there was going to be.

So far he had been subject to no less than four overly emotional hugs that he had not consented to, (what were they emotional about, anyway?) eleven hand grabs-slash-squeezes, and so many shoulder rubs and gentle arm touches that he had lost count. And every single time, he had to resist the urge to shove them away. And every single time, the touch absolutely lingered, sticking to him like tree sap and covering him up like mushrooms and spores and burning him.

God. They hated this. Hated this, hated this, hated this. They were trying so hard to keep their mind focused, to concentrate on the task in front of them and the reason they were here, but their head was already all fuzzy and thick, feeling as though it had been stuffed full of fountain grass. Everyone kept coming up to them to talk to them, to say that they were so sorry to hear about their dad and if there was anything they can do and they hope things work out soon and blah blah blah, all these stupid, pointless, unpleasant emotions that they just kept dumping over his head until he was soaked and shivering and freezing cold, drenched down to his bones. The entire school was getting louder and louder by the second. Had the teacher's heels always clicked like that? And had the lights in the classroom always been so goddamn bright?

The kid behind him in his third period class popped their gum and Donnie stood up, grabbed his stuff, and walked out. 

He was pretty sure his teacher said something, but he was not even listening to her a little bit. Sorry, nope, nu-uh, not today, they were leaving, or else they were absolutely going to vomit. They had no idea where they were going but they just-- they had to be-- not here. 

 Please, just somewhere else. 

They quickened their pace through the hallways, eyes darting around, looking desperately for a place to just hide for a little bit, just somewhere else, because they were about to lose their mind. Their tongue was all thick and swollen and stuck to the roof of their mouth and their head was buzzing like it was filled up with wasps and their joints were all tight, like they had just run a marathon, like they were being chased-- they knew there was somewhere to go. He knew this. Come on, Donatello, think. You've studied the blueprints of the school. Calm down, focus-- where are you going?

One left and a right, third door from the left. Supply closet. This is where he’s going.

Donnie practically threw himself into the closet, yanking the door shut behind him, flicking off the lights, and sinking down to the ground, curling up into the littlest ball he could become and burying his head between his knees, because no, no, he’s not having a panic attack. Not right now. Not before he even makes it halfway through the day, goddammit, no, he’s fine. Everything is fine. 

It's... it's fine. Donnie swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes shut and wiggling his wrists back and forth, anxious and jittery, just barely tapping his knuckles against the sides of his head as he tried to focus on breathing. Yeah. No. Things were totally fine. He was not freaking out. He was not sitting here, absolutely fucking terrified that someone was going to burst in through the door looking for him any second now.

Nope. Not him. He was... all good.

Please, for the love of the known, observable universe-- and even the unknown, unobservable parts!-- just leave me alone. Just let it be quiet for a while.

He swallowed thickly, biting the edges of his tongue, fighting to settle. He pressed his shoulders up against the cold, hard metal door behind him, trying desperately to ground himself, to be here, in reality, and not float off and spiral. The sound of approaching footsteps just barely breached the protective net of his headphones, and he bristled, every muscle in his body tensing, poised to run-- only for his hackles to lower again when the sound passed on, walking past the closet without disturbing him. 

They’re gonna look for you, an unwelcome little voice in his head warned. Donnie frowned.

No, they’re not. It’s fine.

They are. You ran right out of class. Everyone already thinks you’re crazy even on a good day-- let alone today. They’re looking for you. They’ll find you.

People don’t think I’m crazy. They’re not looking for me. It’s fine. We-- we have time. We just need to calm down, and we’ll go back. They’re not gonna find us.

They will. They’re gonna show up any second.

They’re not. You don’t know that.

You don’t know that they won’t.

They won’t. It’s fine.

You don’t know. How could you know? There’s no way of knowing.

Things could still get worse!

They could be here any second!

You don’t know!

The click and clatter of metal-on-metal cut through Donnie the same way he imagined being stabbed would be like, and he absolutely froze. But to his surprise, the door didn’t fall away behind him. No harsh light or chiding voice invaded the space. Everything remained… just as it was.

So what was that noise?

After taking a moment to build up enough courage and clarity to give in to curiosity, he slowly unwound all his muscles, sitting up properly and looking around. And, in fact, it took almost no time at all for him to identify the source.

Looped firmly around the door handle was a small padlock that had most certainly not been there before, constructed entirely, it seemed, of violet light in a very familiar shade.

Fascinating... Did I make this?

Donnie leaned in to examine the item, running his fingers along the edges of it, investigating, testing it a few times and tugging at it lightly. It was a fairly primitive thing, from what he could tell, but it was most certainly doing its job, keeping the door firmly shut and not giving way when he pulled. Well. He supposed he was going to be in here for a while. Not that he really minded. Sighing deeply, he sat back down, pulling his bag off of his back and quickly retrieving his laptop.

Thank god. Data collection.

---

It wasn't that people weren't being nice. They were. Everyone was being super nice! Several of Raph’s teachers had taken him aside to tell him not to worry about any missed work or his grades right now. In every single class, classmates took the time to offer hugs and words of encouragement. Members of the football team and basketball team alike sought him out in the halls to present him with a Build-A-Bear gift card that they had all pitched in to get with a promise that they could all go out together whenever he was down for it. He had, admittedly, teared up a tiny bit.

It was really, really lovely. It was wonderful to know that so many people cared about him and were concerned about him.

So why did he still feel so awful?

Raph felt almost ungrateful, plodding through the school with this big weight on his shoulders, his entire frame feeling like it was rotting rapidly beneath his skin. He was absolutely surrounded by people; swaths and seas of them, and half of them knew him, half of them were concerned about him. So why did he feel like he was all by himself in a big empty cavern?

I wonder if the others are okay, he had thought.

Are people being cool with them, too?

But what if they are? Leo might not like it. He loves attention, but not that kind. It might freak him out. Donnie too.

What if people are giving Donnie hugs? He hates that. He'll be miserable. 

Are all their teachers telling them not to worry about their grades, either? Are Mikey's teachers letting him get off without make-up work? He already tries so hard with school as it is. What if he ends up having to do a bunch of extra on top of it all? 

And what if their grades slip? That's really important to Donnie. They're gonna be devastated if their GPA gets tanked.

Is April good? Is she getting overwhelmed? Are people asking her lots of questions? People aren’t pestering me so far for details, but what if they think it’s okay to pester April like that because she wasn't, technically speaking, a Hamato? She was. It wasn't okay. What if people were looking to her for answers?

What if this was a horrible plan?

Well, technically, it wasn't even your plan. It was Donnie's plan.

But it was your plan to use Donnie's plan! And you're the biggest brother. You're responsible.

Man, why the hell are you here right now?! You should be with them! You should be taking care of them!

Why? You've been with them all week, and the week before that, and ain't helped at all! 

Raph could feel a twitch developing in his eye, much to his annoyance. It did very little to soothe him as he moved through the day, and every five minutes, Mind-Raph asked, 'is it time to panic yet?'

He got through to nearly fourth period before the answer was yes, it is, in fact, time to panic. Not the ideal answer.

He wasn't even sure what set it off, actually. He only did about half the time, which was by far the most frustrating part, because when he didn't know he just felt like he was floundering blindly at nothing for no good reason. He had been in the hallway, moving between classes, a raindrop in the ocean of other students all doing the same thing, and some younger kid had darted past him, seemingly in a rush, sort of knocking into his arm-- maybe that was what did it. He wasn't exactly sure, because usually, that wouldn't bother him at all. 

It did today.

This didn't happen often, really, but every time it did, it was like, oh, great, here we go again, and he'd brace himself for the coming ride. Because it fucking sucked. The room was spinning and his legs were going out from under him and his chest was compressing and his throat was closing up and his eyes were fucking deteriorating in his head.

Not really. He was okay. He could still breathe, or, well, hyperventilate, at least. He was still on his feet, even if he was shaking.... But it wasn't like he could tell. Fuck. The world was ending, maybe? No, it wasn't. Get it together. Get a grip, Raph, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, except no, it's not, I can't breathe, why can't I get a goddamn breath?! He hated doing this. 

People were still moving around him, and he grabbed the nearest locker he could get to as an anchor, pressing his palm against it as he tried to remember how to breathe. Cold. Smooth. Hard. Grounding, right? Donnie taught you this. He was vaguely aware of a few kids lingering, taking notice of his panic, touching his back and asking if he was okay. Raph didn't have it in him to speak right now, but he wanted so badly to snap at them to leave him alone. Couldn't they tell he was already using all of his energy to not completely lose it, flip out, and punch a hole through the wall? Again?! It had been a nightmare the first time when Dad had to deal with that, he did not want to put that on Mrs. O'Neil's plate.

"Hey, come on, back up, give him some room to breathe, would ya?"

This voice was loud enough that Raph could hear it over his own shuddering, and he shifted slightly, his eyes darting to the side. He knew this guy. Jason-- they skateboarded together sometimes. He was really good. He had a pet leopard gecko he had seen many pictures of. He was Mikey's age; more his friend than Raph's own, but regardless, he had been over to their apartment a few times. They weren't crazy close or anything-- but they were friends.

That was more than enough for him right now.

"You good, dude?" Jason said, softer now, leaning in towards Raph just a tiny bit, but still keeping his distance. "I mean-- do you want me to text your brothers or something?"

Raph squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing hard before giving a short shake of his head.

No. No, he'd be okay. He just needed a minute. He didn't want to make them all worry about this when they had a job to do. 

God, he just hoped that they were all having a better day than he was... and not getting themselves into any kinds of messes.

---

Mikey could feel hot blood splatter across his knuckles as his clenched fist made contact with Zach's nose, a satisfying crunch echoing through his hand, up his wrist, and then bouncing around in his ribs. The martial arts tournaments he competed in were great. He loved them, really. But they felt nothing like this.

Wait. Sorry. We're jumping ahead.

Was the first day back at school after nearly two weeks off stressful? Yeah, of course, it was. Mikey had been pretty jittery when he got to school this morning, dancing on his toes and fidgeting with his spinner ring, fussing with the beads in his hair, and worrying the corners of his lips between his teeth. But it actually hadn't been as bad as he had thought.

They had said they wanted to 'get back into the routine' to Mrs. O'Neil as an excuse to get her to let them come, but honestly, it was almost kind of good? Yeah, things were still weird, and he was still worried and scared, but it wasn't like with gymnastics. When he was at gymnastics, it just felt like they were there to be there-- just as an excuse to ignore what was going on and pretend like it wasn't happening.

But they were at school for a reason. They had a lead. And, more importantly, Mikey had a job to do. 

 He had latched on tight to his assigned task-- dug his fingers in like he was burrowing into clay, pressing in until his entire fist had sunk inside, and then took off running. Really, he liked being occupied. ADHD was a bitch sometimes, but today, the stars must have aligned because it was all systems go. He knew exactly what he was doing, and his brain was completely and utterly focused on this task. Yes, it was genuinely nice to see all his friends and teachers again after so long... but that wasn't the point. None of the fear and anxiety and stress was touching him right now because he had a job.

Because he loved getting to see Rebecca again and discuss how her hamster was doing at home, and because she was this deep, dark, rich turquoise color, ever so slightly bluer than it was green. And because getting to see his favorite teacher, Mr. Ovin, was great, and he was all sweet and reassuring, and he was a deep, warm gray, like fog in the summer. It was great because Timothy was indigo, just edging on violet. It was great because Dale was yellowy-orange like cantaloupe. Because Taylor was hot pink. Because José was golden-brown. Because Mona was midnight blue. 

 His list was already fifty-strong before they even hit lunch period, and Mikey was absolutely giddy. Yeah, baby! If this wasn't enough data to get them started, he swore he'd eat his own watercolor set. Surely this was, if nothing else, a good start, and he was already just chomping on the bit to tell the rest of his family. Donnie was gonna be thrilled, he was sure--

"Mikey!"

It was not the first time that day someone had yelled for his attention. In fact, the day had been absolutely littered with them-- Mikey could hardly take a step without someone looking to speak with him and check in with him now that he was in school. So he paused in his steps, his eyes chasing after the sound of the calling voice until he found Zach, dodging through throngs of students to make his way over.

"Hey, Zach!" Mikey greeted, offering a grin-- a genuine one, too, all wide and toothy. 

"Hey! Hey, Mikey. Uhhh. Good to see you back." 

"Thanks," Mikey replied. Not the first time he heard that today, either, but it was still nice to think that his absence had meant something to people. 

"Yeah, yeah. So, uh, do you have that commission done yet?"

Mikey blinked. 

"Commission?"

"Yeah! Yeah, remember, you were gonna do a portrait of Abby, for her birthday?" Zach laughed nervously. "I was kind of worried you were gonna miss it, you were gone so long, but--"

"No?"

"What?" Zach paused, his eyebrows raising, and Mikey frowned, hesitating a second before he found new words, quickly scrambling, re-evaluating, and re-writing.

"Uh, sorry," he laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "I mean, I don't have it done yet. I've kind of got commissions on hold right now? So... I dunno when it's gonna get done. Sorry, dude."

"... But her birthday is on Wednesday."

"Sorry," Mikey repeated.

"And I paid you in advance."

Mikey grit his teeth. Oh, yeah, paid him a whole twenty dollars in advance...? 

"Yeah, sorry, but--"

"Well, what am I supposed to give her?"

"I dunno. Figure something out?"

Oh. Oh, actually,

"What do you mean figure something out? I did! I paid you!"

Actually... Maybe the stress,

"Do you want your money back?"

Was still here, actually.

"No, I want my portrait! Do you know how pissed she's gonna be if I don't have anything to give her on Wednesday?"

His head was suddenly remembering how little he had slept over the past two weeks.

"That's really not my problem."

His eyes suddenly remembered how many tears they had shed.

"Dude, are you serious?!"

His throat remembered the ache of howling.

"Are you serious?! I dunno if you've heard, but I'm a little bit busy right now! Your girlfriend's birthday commission isn't really a priority right now!" Mikey snapped, feeling himself bristle.

"You've literally not shown up for school for two weeks, what do you mean busy!?"

"I'm not on vacation, Zach! I've been with my family!"

"For two weeks!?" Zach protested. "Look, dude, I'm really sorry your dad died, but this was really important to--"

Mikey froze.

"Excuse me?" He hissed. "What the fuck did you just say?"

"Come on, Mike, this was really--"

"My dad isn't dead," Mikey whispered. His head felt all hot. He felt like a goddamn candle. The rest of his body was melting, but his head was just heat and nothing else. "He's missing. He's not dead."

"Okay, look, I didn't mean--"

Mikey shoved him. Not hard. But not soft, either.

"Leave me alone," he spat, and even though he was all heat, all bright reds and oranges and yellows, he felt his voice was cold and white like ice, like the month of December. Zach stumbled a bit, his mouth gaping dumbly like a fish, and Mikey watched and waited with absolutely bated breath to see how he would respond. Zach was a junior. He was a lot taller than Mikey was. Bigger, too. And his color was orange, too, Mikey noted in the back of his mind. Bright, dazzling, almost scarlet orange.

He could feel students nearby pausing, lingering, beginning to turn heads and slow their footsteps in order to watch and see what was going to happen.

Zach's face contorted with indignant fury, and he stepped forward to shove Mikey right back. Mikey let his body take the momentum with absolute grace-- let his feet be forced back a few steps, falling into stance once they found the ground again. He lowered his body slightly, squaring his shoulders, finding his center of gravity, and taking it in both hands. Suddenly, he felt very calm.

That was exactly what Mikey was hoping he would do.  

---

Jeez Louise, at this rate, I'm gonna give Taylor Martin a run for her money...

April was rapidly growing annoyed with the number of people who, up until now, didn't want anything to do with her, but were now suddenly quite concerned about both her well-being and the state of her brothers. She had gotten just about as many questions as she had condolences, which she had no idea how to receive. I mean, god, what's the appropriate response to people asking those kinds of things? Were they doing okay? Uh, I dunno, that's sort of a loaded question! 

She was also suddenly becoming uncomfortably aware of how many kids in their grade had a thinly-veiled crush on Raph, which she was not too pleased with. Like, good for him or whatever, (not that she thought he had the slightest clue,) but she didn't need to know all that, thank you! Yes, Melissa, I'll tell him you said hi, but don't you two have bio together!? Jeez! Stupid giant quarterback little brother...

April grumbled as she made her way into chemistry class, making a beeline to her usual seat and immediately laying her head down in her arms with a scowl. Maybe if she was lucky, people would get the hint and not bother her. Not that that had worked out so far...

"Bad day?"

April took a long, deep breath, and then slowly let it back out, picking up her head just enough to watch Sunita take her seat next to hers, offering a weak, sympathetic little smile in her direction. She had almost forgotten there was someone she actually liked in this class.

"Something like that," April said with a wry smile, wrinkling up her nose a bit before laying her head back down. "I know how this sounds, but I am soooo sick of people caring about me and my brothers."

"Uh oh... Kind of a lot, huh?" Sunita mumbled, wincing a bit, and April nodded a little, wrapping her arms around herself and frowning.

"I know people are just trying to be nice or whatever, but it's just... I dunno. Can you just let us breathe?! I hope they're not being this pushy with the guys because it's a lot for me and it's not even technically my dad, I mean, they're a total mess, I just--" She caught herself, biting her tongue. "Sorry. I'm just a little worried about them. And kind of annoyed," she admitted, rolling her eyes. "It's fine."

Sunita didn't respond right away, and when April glanced over at her again, there was this funny sort of expression on her face that April couldn't quite place. She frowned, about to say something, when Sunita nodded, biting the insides of her cheeks.

"Yeah. I get it. I mean. Gob. I can't imagine... I'm sure it must be stressful…"

April hesitated a second before she responded again. "It's a lot. But. You know. We're... handling it," she said, readjusting her glasses quickly. "Sorry. Can we just, like, talk about something else?"

"Oh! Right. Right, sorry, I'm being just as bad as everyone else!" Sunita gasped, her face flushing. "Sorry. Uh. What do you wanna-- uh-- did you… see the new episode of that barbecue show that just came out? I think Mikey would like it, uhm, they made some really bold choices..."

If April was being honest, she wasn't really listening. Sorry, Sunita. But she appreciated the white noise, at least, allowing herself to tune out for a while, scribbling black zig-zags and wriggles aimlessly in the margin of her notebook until class started properly. And, actually, even after class started properly. She was usually pretty focused at school and took her studies seriously. I mean, not as seriously as some people, but she got good grades! She just wasn't really feeling it today. Whatever. Her notes may suck, but at least she had something. She was sure Donnie could teach her whatever this was later. 

Class seemed to last a millennia, dragging along as April doodled and tried to keep her mind off of the rest of her family. God, she really hoped that this plan worked... if it did, it would be worth a million of these shitty school days. 

 She just really hoped that this wasn't for nothing.

She could see Sunita repeatedly giving her anxious, worried looks out of the corner of her eyes, fidgeting with her headband and frowning to herself. Honestly, she knew that their opening conversation had been a bit awkward, but it wasn't worth Sunita stressing over like this. Ugh. Maybe she should apologize or something later... It wasn't like she was mad or anything, she was just... tired.

 She was just really, really tired.

 April wasted no time at all in swiping her books from off the desk when the bell finally, blissfully rang, dismissing her from this class and shuffling the whole school on to the next. She didn't expect that the next class would be any better, but at least she'd be that much closer to the end of the day... Before she could get very far, however, she felt a hand clamp around her wrist.

 "... Sunita?" April questioned, raising a brow. "Uh. Is something wrong?"

"Yes! I mean. No! I mean. Oh..! Hang on, just... just... c'mere!" Sunita bit out, chewing nervously at her fingernails as she yanked April from the classroom, moving with such fervor that April nearly lost her footing, giving a surprised little yelp as she stumbled after the other.

 "Sunita! Whoa, girl, hang on!!! Where the heck are we going?"

 "Somewhere... else! Just, just, hang on! You've just gotta trust me, okay?" Sunita hissed, quickly ducking around a corner, all but shoving April into the first empty classroom that they found, hurriedly shutting the door behind her.

 "Wha-- girl, what is going on!?" April spluttered, looking around frantically. She really liked Sunita, but this had better not be her coming onto her or something, 'cause it was so not the time--

"I just-- oh, gob, I'm going to get in so much trouble. What am I doing?! This is so so so against the rules... Okay. Okay. Buck up, Sunita," the other girl squeaked, seemingly pep-talking herself, pacing out several rapid back-and-forth laps across the linoleum floor before she suddenly whipped around to meet April's eyes, grabbing her firmly by her shoulders.

"I know where Mr. Hamato is."

[ next ]

[chezgender]

Cha cha cha / It's crazy it's party comparison

@tmrwds post and @izpira-se-zlato addition gave me brainworms. @kylla-kylla also saw the connection between ICIP and CCC and I saw their post after I started writing this. So I'm definitely not alone in being insane. Thus here is my own rant about It's Crazy it's Party.

Notes:

ICIP lyrics transcript taken from @koppitules on twt, translation taken from a Käärijä discord

CCC lyrics and translation from lyricstranslate.com

Disclaimer: This analysis is purposefully exaggerated/dramatic in order to highlight contrast. I do think Jere loves his job and career, ICIP is definitely a fun song in which you can find (or not) a deeper meaning, it's up to your interpretation. I just love angst lol please don't come at me I'm sensitive 🤡😭

(ps. sorry to all the people I tagged. You don't have to interact with this, I just wanted to give proper credit)

Let's start. Bear with me being cringe.

First verse

At the beginning of CCC, we see how partying is reserved for the weekend - it's something cathartic after a long week of responsibility and worries, it's an outlet for stress and negativity. The world can't scare him no more, as he mentions later in the song, now that he's having fun.

In ICIP, people have pointed out how the first verse reminds them of CCC, musically wise. This is definitely on purpose, the main difference lies in the lyrics. Here Jere reveals that partying now it's an everyday thing. It's an endless circus of traveling despite everything, he's the cog in a machine bigger than him. The world that seemed so tiny compared to the fun, is now scary - the party is now and tomorrow and 365 days a year, in Finland and even abroad. As if there was no safe place. He can't escape it and it's overwhelming to the point "you'll feel it in your hair and your ass" (honestly, weird phrasing, but it gets the point across I guess?). Either way, this party is almost ineluctable.

Chorus

In the CCC chorus he says he wants to forget about the pains of daily life by getting wasted and drinking with both hands on as many drinks as he can hold, until he won't even be able to get up. Honestly, although this doesn't seem like a healthy coping mechanism (but I'm none to judge), it does look willing and deliberate - he makes the choice of getting drunk on the weekend. He's in control of when the party happens.

In ICIP instead the chorus is shorter, and quite tautological: crazy is crazy, party is party, and life is life, you know? (see @tmrwds for a cultural insight on the "elämä on laiffi" phrase). There's a different feeling in this chorus, the singing is soft and maybe even a bit sexy but the lyrics hold a touch of resignation in between. This party is not a deliberate choice anymore, Jere doesn't get to choose when his life is crazy/party and when he gets to rest.

CCC 2nd verse / ICIP Tommy's verse

Without need for lyrics, also because most people have a hard time understanding what Tommy was singing live, I'll talk about this in brief. I chose to include it because Jere himself sang some parts of it during the live - mostly echoing, but still.

In CCC, Jere parties almost alone. Well, it's implied that there's more people to that party but the song is about him, his own liberation from stress and whatever thing was keeping him bound and off the dancefloor. There are no explicit references to other people.

In ICIP instead, Tommy sings about a club in which they enter and people go crazy. They talk about sex in a rather crass way, probably for kicks, but as mentioned in @tmrwds post, it could definitely hint at the wrong kind of attention Jere is receiving. People in his DMs and probably even in person are making more or less explicit advances on him, surely unsolicited, but it's part of the party.

And Tommy invites Jere to party with him (that modulated voice parodically reminds me of the beginning of Barbie Girl by Aqua). Jere says yes, of course he wants to party with him, right here right now (no matter the day, or his condition, does he really have a say in it?)

Another thing I'd like to point out:

Jere in CCC mentions "it's hard to talk when this different side of me does its part" / Tommy in ICIP mentions how the alcohol makes it hard to think (obviously, but I'm clinically insane and I see intertextuality everywhere) - so, basically, the "side of him" Jere talks about in CCC renders him carefree, maybe happy, definitely free of burdens. In ICIP, this "part of him" seems to have taken complete control to the point Jere can't tell himself from it.

Last part of ICIP

"Let's go party" leads to a countdown - inexorable and short, leaving everyone little time to get ready. The song explodes like a bomb, reminds me of a breakdown in a Korn song. The bass hammers hard and everyone is jumping, hearts bursting, everything is out of control. To quote @izpira-se-zlato , there's an apocalyptic feeling to it. Jere can't do anything but let himself be engrossed without a chance to escape. Which he can't, lest he gives everything up.

Where CCC was party metal with a touch of eurodance, ICIP definitely belongs to an insane rave. It reminds me of Dutch hardstyle, dubstep and a touch of eurodance until the end, which screams industrial/nu metal to me, only adding to the concept of hammering and exhausting work/lifestyle.

We could say that It's Crazy it's Party is the Välikuolema to Cha Cha Cha's Viuliunkieli, in a way.

Jere is a storyteller in most of his songs, and it's clear he likes such narratives to carry on between different tracks (i.e: I think the Viulunkieli/Välikuolema narrative carries on to Morgan), so it's only fair to assume the two songs combined tell a whole story.

Further speculation: Jere has often said he's really tired in this precise moment - the relentless touring throughout summer is obviously taking a toll on him, no matter how much he can love what he does. It would be exhausting for anyone. Plus, the "ghost" of ESC follows him everywhere: sometimes I get the feeling many people perceive him as the CCC-guy rather than the complete artist he is, so maybe he's trying to change this.

As many people already said, the story Mikke posted with the grave being dug could hint at the burial of green-bolero-Käärijä. I don't believe Jere is denying the fame and good things it has brought, but he's probably willing to turn the page and carry on with something new (and probably take a long, well deserved break). Or maybe the MV will just be homoerotic softp-rn featuring a grave, WHO KNOWS. I just know I can't wait to see what's next. I love ESC-Käärija (without CCC I wouldn't even be aware of his existence, so I'm forever grateful) and that love will forever be a part of me, but I also welcome this change with open arms in hopes to see him grow more and more.

Conclusion: the speculation is very real and material and I am very very cringe <33

[mimicha-arts]

SPOILERS S2E10/11

I'm just sitting here with a slight smile on my face. The theater scene is an absolute point of no return, it tears my heart apart.

It's literally so - almost - frame by frame - XƎTЯOVerthink theme, everything about this scene. Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang are on "stage", they walk torwards each other, the shadow and light are separated.

Cheng Xiaoshi comes out of the shadows, to the side full of light, the one who is in the shadows now - Lu Guang.

Everything becomes nothing more than images, nothing more than memories.

Memories that burns to ashes.

It is so beautiful. Just beautiful. My soul is crying, I'm so excited. Maybe I'll write a proper analysis for the episode later, but now - I just can't think of anything other than this.

[yolowritter]

In Defense of Chloe Bourgeois Part 3: Why Thomas, WHY?

Hello everyone! In case it wasn't obvious by the title, this is a part 3 to this post right there! I'd sincerely recommend reading it since you'll need the context. Anyhow, moving right onto where I left off! Yes I copied the message too, it's 2am leave me alone.

[...]

Mind you, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be one at all, but that Miracle Queen was absolutely not the right time to go for it. Assuming that Chloe's fall was planned from the start, then I'll admit that it was the right call from Astruc and Co. Why? Because Seasons 2 and 3 give us an excellent analysis of Chloe as a character, and a lot of time for her to try and acclimate herself to the new circumstances of actually belonging somewhere. But...they also don't provide Chloe with the oppurtunity to figure herself out that much. She's preoccupied with Akuma fights whenever she's Queen Bee, and doesn't get much time to actually talk to her would-be friends as herself, at least outside the context of beating up this week's fashion atrocity, courtesy of the local Butterfly Man. And to be honest? The only reason I don't love Miracle Queen as an episode is because Chloe's fall didn't get proper buildup. If Astruc had devoted time to show us what was happening, then I'd be head over heels for the sheer amount of potential doors this storyline was opening!

Unfortunately...Thomas decided to double down on a terrible writing mistake...with Queen Banana. Dear Nooroo, the sheer amount of hate I have for this episode is almost as bad as my seething rage for Ephemeral! I'll talk about that disasterous stew of rotten eggs and horrendous writing some other time, but Queen Banana nearly takes the cake for my least favorite episode in Season 4! Would you like to know why? Because I was inhaling one thousand cubic meters of copium when I predicted that Astruc would actually bother doing something worthwhile with Chloe! And I'll admit, I do see what they were going for here. Make Chloe as bad as possible to replace her with Zoe. But that just ended up undermining both of them so badly that it actually hurts me to watch Queen Banana and Sole Crusher! I honestly don't think it was 100% intentional to make it look like Zoe was her half-sister's replacement, but the fact that it even looks that way from what I believe to be a decently unbiased point of view...is a problem. Don't get me wrong, I love Zoe! She's amazing, and Season 5 made her even better! But her introduction was so poorly written that it feels that way.

And Thomas certainly didn't help matters with the way Chloe was portrayed in those episodes. People have said that "she was being nice to Zoe at the start" and that "Chloe was trying to help with the movie, she had a really cool idea!" and both of those are true, yes, but look at the way that she goes about it. Chloe cranks up her "Audrey-ness" from the 8.5 we see on a good day, to the 10 of Style Queen...to a good ol' 27. Mind you, this could have been very well done! It could have been made obvious that Chloe is intentionally falling back into old habits as a defense machanism or a way to cope by deluding herself into thinking she doesn't need anyone because she's a Bourgeois! Would have made for a wonderful plotline, especially since she broke off her and Adrien's friendship. If I recall correctly, he told her she's being unreasonable, which Chloe absolutely was the entire episode, at least in the way she went about interacting with people. Naturally, Chloe insists otherwise, and decides that she doesn't need him either! This would be a wonderful moment to have her cry in the limousine, or maybe we could have gotten a scene where she's regretting cutting him off in Sole Crusher! Even at some later point in the Season! It would have been great! It would have given Chloe proper depth and made the approach of her fall in Miracle Queen have actual consequence in regards to her character! It would have severely complicated Chloe's relationship with the now only positive influence in her life, Zoe!

Speaking of Zoe, there's a huge theme hanging between her and Andre about breaking cycles of abuse. I won't talk about it here since it fits into a future post, but there's already a lot of analysis posts out there, especially about their relationship, which I personally find fundementally flawed. Andre is in general a really shitty person who I don't think ever should gotten a redemption arc, especially one that amounts to "Oh well, the problem child (that I am responsible for failing to raise) is gone now, time to receive zero consequences and enjoy my life after being a corrupt politician for almost a decade!" Can you tell I do not like that by the way? Can you tell? I swear I am giving this man a downfall arc to end all downfalls in a fic one of these days...

Anyway, point is that Chloe and Zoe are both screwed over by their incredibly horrible parents! And to anyone who says "but Zoe isn't a bad person, she's just different", kindly think about why that is. Chloe spent her entire childhood begging for her mother's attention and then being taught how to bribe, extort, blackmail and bully people into submission by Andre. Which is canon by the way! Meanwhile Zoe spent a significant amount of time with Audrey, and therefore doesn't idolize the mom she never knew.

Now, I'm not going to speculate on Zoe's childhood, but it seems pretty logical that Zoe was at the very least witness to a frankly ludicrous amount of Audrey's "you're ridiculous, utterly ridiculous" moments, to the point where she's sick of it. Like c'mon, if you had anybody in your house firing their unpaid intern 27 consecutive times in the span of maybe an hour, you'd quickly get used to it, get annoyed by it, and then promptly decide the behavior isn't worth emulating. Especially if you're sick of their shit by that point, which we can logically Zoe is. Therefore, she doesn't act like Audrey. Considering Andre didn't know she existed, he never poisoned her with his slimy politician ways, Zoe's behavior is different from Chloe's. As an aside, she still does try to emulate her actions when she first arrives at Dupont, if only for a couple minutes. Zoe wants to fit in, and even if she doesn't like what Chloe does, she's willing to play the part at least for a moment to get close to her sister. Fits really well with her wanting to be an actress, so I wanted to highlight it!

Anyway, the point is that there is some great foundational material here! Regardless of whether or not Chloe "fell" in Miracle Queen, there's amazing potential for a proper conflict between these two! Because as a reminder, we deduced earlier that Chloe was jealous of Marinette because of the latter having what she didn't! Zoe presumably had Audrey's love (in Chloe's mind at least), hence she would treat her differently. Be it either with seething hatred or jealousy is up to whomever writes the story. Alternatively, Chloe could (in the scenario where Miracle Queen didn't happen) believe that Zoe is a similarly abusive situation as she, and we go from there for a plotline between the two. Irrespectively of which route they wanted or could have taken this, any potential for character development between these two is utterly ruined from the very moment they first interact on screen.

This because Chloe is now reduced to a one-dimensional "school bully" character, which would have made logical sense if the writers explained it as a self-defense mechanism, but without any context or exploration of her mental state post Season 3, it can only be seen as character regression, which is never a good idea! Not to mention that Lila Rossi exists specifically to fulfil the role of antagonist for Marinette's personal life now! I know as well as everyne else how much Lila gets ignored and underused in this show, but the fact that Thomas and Co. took time to forcefully shove Chloe back in a role that no longer fits her instead of using the villain they spent three Season Finales hanging in front of us like a carrot on a stick is ridiculous to me! Therefore, Chloe's entire character development, which I would have been completely fine with if anybody bothered to treat her downfall with even the minimum amount of respect it deserves, if solely from the perspective of not leaving a gaping plothole bigger than the cavern in Gabriel's basement in the middle of their storyline! I know I already brought up me having an aneurysm once because of these crappy writing decisions, but we are well past the point of a mental breakdown and headed directly to a freakin' heart attack!

Why? Why??? How do you even manage to disrespect your own character to the point where you ruin two villains simultaniously, and the new heroine you're introducing??? Thomas Astruc! Have you ever taken a Writing 101 class before? Do I need to borrow Nathalie's crossbow and force you into one? Yeah okay, we get you don't like Chloe, but I honestly cannot accept that her botched downfall would spiral into the utter butchering of two more characters with unlimited potential, one of whom is supposed to be the villainess for your protagonist's personal life and the new Hawkmoth! I am well aware that Thomas doesn't even know I exist, but the sheer amount of beef I have with this man solely for being incompetent it honestly starting to become too much! I'm sitting over here desperately trying to retcon and re-write his characters in my head to at least make logical sense! And he just adds even more steaming-hot garbage to the pile of inconsistency, insanity and bad writing decisions! Meanwhile, we're missing 100% of logical sense, character respect, or at the very least some kind of way for the audience to understand what you're trying to communicate! Just tell us in a twitter post at this point! Please, be clear with your writing!

Okay...I'm sorry, this post has gotten way too long. Ridiculously long. Including this paragraph, it's actually almost 7.5k words in total. Hence why I've split it into so many parts. I sincerely hope you got the point. To summarize, regardless of if Chloe was redeemed or not, there were incredible oppurtunities for storytelling, and Thomas missed the wide side of a barn with this one. If you ask me I can go into way more detail, and yes that's despite the 7.4 thousand words in this series of posts. Anyway, I am now going to cool off, and quite possibly (maybe) sleep. I'll see you all next time (when I wake up from my coma), but until then, Stay Miraculous everyone!

< previous post >

[purplebass]

TSC Analysis: Will and Tessa's behavior towards James and Lucie's partners

Tonight I'll talk about a topic that personally interests me a lot and that, I don't know, may interest other people? I hope. Parents and their relationship with their in-laws. It was inspired by a poll about who was Will's favorite kid, lol. It got me thinking about Will and Tessa's "kids", and specifically, about Cordelia and Jesse, who are part of their extended family by this point. This analysis is about how Will and Tessa view Cordelia and Jesse as their children's partners and how they interacted with them in TLH. Did they trust them instantly? Did they like them? Are they close? Things that I often asked myself and I thought I'd share with you hoping you're interested because this took me hours to write 😅

Will trusts his children's judgement when it comes to Cordelia and Jesse, but naturally, he also has opinions about them, and we saw them in the way he interacted with both. Cordelia (and James) lied about their marriage, but since he never knew about the sham, he never doubted her. Will was overjoyed with the news that James was going to marry a Carstairs, Jem's cousin no less, and gave her his blessing. To him, Cordelia was already family, and he loved her already and trusted her. Wessa trusted Cordelia but she was actually lying to them about her marriage to James.

Will was distrustful towards Jesse at first, because he had been possessed. He accepted him after he discovered what he did for James. Sacrificing his last breath for his son was enough 'proof' that Jesse didn't have ill intentions towards his family. In London, Jesse acted like a proper boyfriend towards Lucie, but he also was well-mannered with Wessa, he helped around the Institute; Will never once thought his trust had been misplaced. Unlike Cordelia, Jesse had to earn Will's trust. By the end of the story, Will considers Jesse like family, that's why he gave him the home mark and the stele which belonged to his father. This is very symbolic. Will officially welcomed Jesse in the family even though he's not married to Lucie yet (so this was sort of a blessing from Will to Lucie and Jesse) and probably a promise about Jesse's own future in the London Institute.

Will is very sentimental: he accepted Cordelia instantly because she was a Carstairs, unaware that Jordelia lied about their marriage at first. Will is also very practical: he accepted Jesse not because of his last name, but for the way he behaved, for his practical actions. Wessa considered Cordelia like a daughter, because of who she was. They loved her already, and she needn't do anything for them to like her, or to earn their trust (which she very much broke when she and James lied to them). Jesse was the son of the villain and won Wessa's heart over by showing them he was a person they could rely on. This also meant being a well-mannered guy around their daughter and be transparent, for the sake of the future he wants to have with her.

Tessa also trusts Lucie and James's judgement. It's very easy to win Tessa over. She is a great judge of character and very hopeful and tries to trust people even though they did bad things (she was the only one who believed there was still hope to save Tatiana, uhm). She knows how to read people, and I bet she is very good at figuring body language too and understand whether someone is uncomfortable, lying, needs advice, etc. Not that Will isn't, but he lets his emotions cloud his judgement at times, and he can be impulsive and act rashly, then later rationalize and change his mind if he needs to. Tessa is more rational than Will and more controlled in her reactions (if you think that when Will sees Jesse for the first time, he literally takes a blade to threaten him, duh!).

Tessa seems quieter than Will, but she's not. She pays attention a lot and seems to be very helpful in making people feel at ease or more positive and hopeful about a situation. She's very attentive. When talking about Cordelia and Jesse to Lucie and James, she first comments about their outward appearance. Soon, though, she gives insight about their inner world, what not many people bother to see when they interact with pretty people. Tessa understands the struggles Cordelia and Jesse are going through, and is ready to offer them support when she feels they need it.

Cordelia felt very uneasy during her engagement party with James, the moment when she was officially introduced to their society as James' future wife and the Herondale's future in law/family member. Tessa helped her feel more confident. She was able to understand Cordelia because she is also a woman who is often whispered-about by the people in the Clave, and her father is also someone very questionable. Before Jordelia's marriage, she also advised James that even though Cordelia was a strong woman, the matter with her father bothered her a lot because it was complicated. Hence, Will also advised James to be a good husband and support Cordelia.

Tessa's situation with Jesse is quite similar, but the conversation happens in private during a dinner, where Jesse is already inserted into the Herondale's family dynamics as if he was already one of them. Will had just received the call that Tatiana was in Cornwall. This whole situation upsets Jesse, because his relationship with his mother was complicated. Tessa sensed it, and tried to give him hope. Something any good mother would say, if they see their son looking lost and hopeless. Lucie wanted to go after Jesse to support him but Tessa advised against it and suggested she gave him time to be alone.

In both instances, it's James who notices Jesse's shocked reaction to the fatherly/motherly way in which Will and Tessa interact with him. He doesn't just recognize how Jesse grew up in a very different environment than he did (dead father, problematic mother), but also that his parents were and are good parents to him and Lucie. They were always supportive of him and his sister, and they received a lot of love. And Wessa's love and support is not limited to James and Lucie only, they also show love and support to their family and friends, and to even to people they barely know.

Closing remarks: I believe that Wessa like Cordelia and Jesse very much as James and Lucie's partners, of course, and they welcomed them with open arms in their family. Because of the circumstances, though, the end of TLH it seems to hint that Wessa (and especially Will's) relationship with Jesse is going to be tighter than the one with Cordelia. It's not a matter of preference between their in-laws, who I think they equally like, but a matter of proximity. James and Cordelia got married, and they now live in a separate house. They are in a new "cycle" in their life where, as a couple, they started their own life and they separated from their birth parent's house. This means they may spend less time around Wessa because they're going to have their life in their own house, and when they have children and they will get married, it will happen the same thing. They're just following a life cycle. Things are different for Lucie and Jesse. They still live under Wessa's roof, and Jesse helps Wessa doing things around the Institute, eats with them, does stuff with them most likely. If my theory about Jesse running the London Institute in the future turns real, it is highly likely and natural that Wessa and especially Will, will strengthen their relationship with Jesse.

[sapphire-weapon]

okay wow thanks for the explanation on the suppressant. i didn't know it was written that long ago. and how did you find it that quick anyway?

but also, do you think the writers intended it to be read that way? i know RE4R's story is good, but for the writers to be so subtle about it, they gotta be amazing at writing and delivering and i dont think anybody who writes the story for RE is at that level yet.

it's not that i dont want to believe in that take, but i also read ur post about how u dont apply "death of the author" and i just think "do the writers actually think like this? it wouldn't wrong for us to think this way but do they think of it like that?"

so i found it quickly because it's in my meta analysis tag. i'm very careful with that tag and only use it for posts that i think raise important points that i might want to reference later. this was one of them.

and i actually love the second part of this ask.

i don't personally feel that RE4make's writing is that sophisticated. it's sophisticated for RE -- but there are so many other games that have such better storytelling. SH2, spec ops: the line, hades, alan wake, disco elysium -- just off the top of my head -- are so rich in storytelling and so creative with how they convey it. even the evil within -- which was also a mikami game -- had an incredibly dense story that took effort and grit to fully unpack.

literally all that hirabayashi did with RE4make was hear mikami's pleas to fix the story, look at it, go "how can i do this without fucking up the gameplay loop or structure?" and decide that the easiest way to do it was by putting an emotional throughline in the game centered on leon and ashley's relationship -- which made sense to do, because that also lines up with the gameplay contrivance that the game is centered on.

he's also been working on RE since 0, so he's intimately familiar with these characters and the possibilities they hold. he was RE6's producer, so he knows that suicidal ideation is a part of leon's character -- just as an example. because it's in RE6 that leon admits to having been suicidal in the past.

we also know that he loves fairy tales. he wrote RE5's script, and RE5 is a modern horror fairy tale. sheva even has an alternate costume literally called "fairy tale." and, at its core, RE4 has the basic plot of a classic fairy tale. the Hero storms the castle, slays the Dragon, and saves the Princess. it's so easy to convert that into a more Proper fairy tale by tweaking the relationship between leon and ashley.

and the romance tropes and references he uses are very rudimentary. like, if you look at my posts, it's like... romeo & juliet and sleeping beauty. this is hardly a romance aficionado's deep dive into the romance genre.

RE4make is babby's first step into deeper storytelling in the video games medium.

so i really don't think that it's a stretch to say that this was his intention.

if you want to be really anal and pedantic about it, you can say that his intention was to make the story into something coherent and fluid, and the romance just happened to be a byproduct of that because that was the easiest thing he could reach for, but like.

to use the structure of romance stories and to consistently follow the imagery and symbolism and references of classic romances -- his reason for doing it doesn't matter. the fact remains that he did it on purpose, and it's reflected in the final product, and so that's what the story is.

i said this in another post, so i'll just paste it here:

So, sure. You could look at RE4make as a story about a man who’s just doing his job and saves the president’s daughter because idk he’s a badass and that’s just what he does. And he overcomes his trauma about Raccoon City because he actually saved a person’s life finally, and it wouldn’t have mattered who it was; it just happened to be Ashley. Sure. You could. But you miss the fucking point of what the storyteller(s) were trying to do. You miss the intention of the developers paying homage to RE4OG being such a huge part of so many people’s childhoods by turning the story into a fairy tale. You miss the parallels of Leon becoming a broken husk of a person because of failing re: Ada, and Leon finding his smile and his kindness again through Ashley. It leaves you with a shallow story where shit just kind of happens and Leon’s a cool dude who overcomes the odds all on his own because he’s so cool and strong. And you’ll never be able to convince me that that’s how the devs wanted their story to be read. Not with the deliberate layering of themes and imagery and allegory that they’ve folded into the narrative. And you’ll never convince me that all of this was just a coincidence, either.

[kdramajunkie-101]

Let me preface by saying, I am not trying to justify any of Do Kyung's actions. This is simply an analysis on his character. Yes, he's done bad things and should face the consequences. With that being said, I hate how his mental health is being handled in the drama. Not the way it's written per se but how a few characters handle it.

His Dad

Literally, all of what Do Kyung is facing right now stemmed from how he was brought up. Having to be perfect at everything and putting on a facade for the cameras. His dad showed NO interest in him beyond his "offerings." An example being: "Is he good enough to be my heir?,"is he good enough to commit such a crime?" He has also had to prove himself in his own family, and that can cause a person's psyche to become altered and disrupted. His dad, to me, is also a victim, and I'll expound later in Chairwoman Jo's paragraph.  Him calling Do Kyung a monster is quite ironic as well. Who could've created such a monster, I wonder? Let me guys know if you ever come up with an answer.

His Mom

She's a victim as well. She's very submissive and lacks agency. Her helplessness and naivety are actually quite scary as this makes her a tool that the father can use at any time. Her scene in the prison where she visited Do Kyung actually had me tearing up. That was what led me to even start writing this. Just her one statement, "You disobeyed your dad." That just showed how she herself can't do anything without approval from the dad. I don't even think she realizes the damage she's done to the poor child. Her also just moving on with her life after seeing her son breaking down in front of her just goes again to show how disconnected she really is. And even at the funeral, she looked like she had so much to say, but she just wasn't able to. Her entire marriage, all she's known, is serving her husband and being a "good wife." Of course, nothing else will come before that. Not even her son.

Do Kyung

Do Kyung making such a choice is understandable, to say the least. As someone who has struggled with mental health. Such a method has always been seen as the way out. Notice I didn't say easy. Because such a choice is NEVER easy. Poor guy wasn't even being treated while he was locked up in prison. Everyone putting the blame on him for EVERYTHING was so unnecessary and unfair as well. He was a jerk, evil, and downright nasty, but no one with mental health issues should be placed in such an environment.  Especially without proper medication and care.

This is dedicated to the worst character of the show in MY OPINION.

His Doctor

Ohhhhh I was fuming when he called him a psycho. I was so annoyed. Do Kyung was a patient. He was actively seeking help in an environment that ostracized mental health issues. Yes, he may not have been the nicest or taken his medication all the time, but he was still trying. He was doing the best he could in an environment that wouldn't allow for much growth. And for someone whom he was supposed to trust and tell his entire life to say something like that was just downright nasty. No matter if he was a psycho or not. If the doctor had felt that he was a threat, then he should've reported him to the necessary authorities. Disrespecting a patient is never the right thing to do. I was so elated when Do Kyung beat his a** up. Leapt from my chair in joy.

Final Character

Chairwoman Jo

This is kinda hmmm. Like I think everything that we're seeing and all the characters in the Noh family all have their respective issues due to her. In a flashback, we could see that she treated Suk Min similarly to how he treated Do Kyung. Talk about generational trauma. Of course, Suk Min would've replicated what he was taught. In this specific scene, she was talking about sending Suk Min to prison for a crime he had committed because he had gotten away with "too much." This literally shows that she had been sweeping all of his wrongs under the rug as she wanted someone picture perfect to take over her beloved company. Suk Min was never enough for her, similarly to how Do Kyung wasn't enough for him. She didn't care much for them.

I think that she saw an opportunity to right ALL her wrongs through Do Hee. Do Hee to her was a new slate. All the things she did with Suk Min and Su Ahn could've been "erased" by raising Do Hee in a less restrictive way. As she was able to do all this, she decided to give Do Hee the company. I think that was very wrong. Of course, Suk Min didn't create the company, and it isn't "his" looking from it at a more Western perspective. As Chairwoman Jo built it from the ground up, however, she had Suk Min training ALL his life with only one thought in mind. Him owning the company and carrying on her legacy. And for her to throw such a curve ball, of course, he'd be upset and pissed off. This is not me justifying all the rubbish he's done, though. I'm just saying I would be very upset if I were in his position. As such, I think Chairwoman Jo is kinda the biggest villain in a sense. Because all these "monsters" were created through her training and teachings. Plus, episode 12 ending kinda proved me right in a sense.

So that is that. My little two cents on a few characters and why I think Do Kyung isn't the biggest of villains. Poor kid needed love, and that wasn't given to him. Still, he was disgusting jerk, but he needed love. If he was given that care and affection, maybe he would've been different. If Suk Min, his dad was given more love and care and approval, maybe he would've been different as well.

[licncourt]

Hi! Show-fan just here to say that I adore your writing! Your fics & blog were my first entry point into book fandom - along with great works by other like nasnyys, emileesaurus, sofipitch, immortal_conclusions & more that I'm discovering. BEGIN AGAIN is one of the most masterful fanworks I've come across. Wanted to let you know there are intense show fans (I'm quite active in the IWTV fandom) who really resonate with your analysis & creations in this book fandom sector. In fact, I vastly prefer book fic to show fic. You get some divergent vibes between the two, particularly around Loustat's dynamic ofc - it's honestly fascinating. I sometimes feel like an astronaut, moving between disparate VC fandom planets with alien lifeforms, needing to decompress & sterilize between trips because the ecosystems are so notably different. I have a cherished hope that someday certain book vs. show characterizations will gel more smoothly. (And more of the fandom can mingle peaceably as a result.) But for now I greatly enjoy my visits here. So thank you, I feel really lucky to read your thoughtful metas & fics! (Sorry this isn't a real question. I'll form up a proper Q someday. The topics on my mind are things you've addressed frequently like disagreeing with AR's move towards hyper-masculinizing Lestat in later books (SAME) & whether the show might ever work for you again (your criticisms are understandable & substantive). Just wanted to thank you for creating such accomplished & insightful writing. <3

Ooohhh thank you!! We're very glad to have you here! That's so nice of you to say about my fics, especially BA!!

I can imagine the vibes overall are different, the two universes diverged extremely quickly and the fandoms seemed to have followed suit. It's really nice to have people bridging the gap (I wish I could have stayed one of them) and it makes me so so happy to know that I got to introduce you to the books (even without knowing)! In spirit I'm talking at you about VC lore in the car and there's no escape.

[ghenry]

Hey was wondering, now that you've done a silver case video, what's next? Moonlight syndrome or flower sun and rain?

As I teased at the end of my analysis on The Silver Case, I will do a similar video for Flower, Sun, and Rain. It's not my next project, though. I't's something I'll tackle with a proper analysis sometime in 2024. Writing is very far from done, but I'm also not waiting on the supposed remaster/remake/whatever, and instead basing it on the NA and EU release of the DS version. Although, if a re-whatever of FSR releases sooner than later, it might change up my plans a bit.

(art by @doctorgrambo)

As for Moonlight Syndrome, there is still no proper translated ISO, therefore I have no way to play it myself. I did play the first 6 chapters with a relative that can read Japanese, but it was a pretty cumbersome process and I don't want to put him through playing the entirety of the game and exhaustively translate everything via discord or whatever for my sake.

There is a project to translate MS to both English and Spanish. As far as I know, it's still an active project. You can check out the team here;

I believe there's been breakthroughs of modifying the ISO in order to replace the text from Japanese to English, as well as placing subtitles during spoken, text-less dialogue. I've considered making a video after fully playing the game, and providing the text myself via video editing, but I also want to be able to play the game myself, not just watch a playthrough on Youtube. I'm an avid believer that playing a game--instead of just watching an LP--drastically changes one's experience. Even for something as simple and linear as Moonlight Syndrome.

There's also the matter of playing Twilight Syndrome. I haven't looked lately, but I don't believe there is a way to play the original PS1 TS games in English.

If I ever discover a way to play these games in English, then I'll be more than happy to properly go over them on my channel. Thanks for asking!

[flaetsbnort]

It's past midnight of the Monday of the Carnaval holiday that lasts until Wednesday morning (I'll be on vacation by then) and I haven't been able to do much useful the last few days because of shoulder pains. So I'm not going to post a long analysis of the themes of a free story posted on the SCP Foundation site. Such is my life.

This post is about Rounderhouse's Redtape series. If you haven't read it, it won't make sense. I'll put the cut right now to spare your dashspace.

As I'm writing this, the last available story is Interregnum II, and I'm writing with some haste expecting that the next bit will drop soon and my theory will be proven wrong immediately.

So. I think that the Redtape series is, thematically, about oppression and intersectionality.

I'll be honest: I haven't read much of Rounderhouse's work outside of it, so I don't know if this would be a trivial or impossible conclusion. We fly Death of the Author here, baby.

I've also been away from the SCP site for a very long time, and never been a part of the community, and know very little about the Mekhane and Sarkic arcs, so my conclusions may end up way off mark, and I may end up attributing to him ideas that were estabilished elsewhere. So it goes.

Before I enter the meat of my theory, it's only fitting that I also make a small prologue. The series starts with is in the perspective of RAISA Director Maria Jones. She is mentioned later during the prelude to Jade, as while we've shown all the dirty shit 05-11 did, we're also shown he batted for her and demanded she be treated with the respect she was due. Other than that, though, she hasn't been very important to the story.

I believe the importance of her inclusion is primarily to guide the readers' attention to the theme of oppression, which is underlined during her mention in the 05-11 documents. It's important in a general way, but also with a very specific intent. In the modern world, prejudice against POC is one of the most widespread forms of oppression, and it'd be weird to create a work centered on that theme without mentioning it. But modern prejudice against POC was pretty much invented by the slave trade performed by European colonies in the Americas in the 16th to 19th centuries; it'd be anachronic in a story centered around events in ancient times, in a way that Bronze Age Mechs simply aren't. Her presence is meant to inform us that the author is aware that this prejudice exists, but can't be meaningfully present in the work.

Now for the theory proper, I believe the theme goes like this:

Each of the three ancient cities has an axis of oppression that is effectively missing due to cultural and societal reasons directly related to the supernatural effect that caused them to rise. I'm going to refer to this as the Faded Axis, which as a terrible name but I need a shorthand because I'll keep referring to it.

Each of the three ancient cities also has an axis of oppression that is greatly increased. Like the Faded Axis it's due to cultural and societal reasons, but unlike it it's only indirectly related to the supernatural effect. I'll call it the Harsh Axis, with the same apology as the Faded Axis.

Each story about a city discovery has a protagonist that would suffer oppression along that city's Faded Axis.

Each city finds a mirror of itself in its two enemies: one of them will have the city's Faded Axis as their Harsh Axis, and the other will have the Harsh Axis as their Faded Axis. So the three cities, in all, will only show three axes of oppression.

Easy peasy. What does that mean?

Let's start with Mamjul/Korar, because I started reading the story by its end, but also because it's the one where this dichotomy is most visible. Their Faded Axis - the axis of oppression they lack - is sexism, or oppression because of gender. They are the only matriarchy of the three cities, and in the proposal Rajmata explicitly states that they don't have a powerful concept of gender, since one's body is just a thing they use for a while before they ascend to the astral plane. The Harsh Axis, strenghtened in their society, is likewise very visible: they murder enslaved people like it was going out of fashion, also because they believe this will free their souls to join them as free folk in the Astral Plane (except there are still enslaved people in the Astral Plane so I don't think that holds up too well). I currently believe the axis represented here is classism, though it may be slightly different. Galanis is non-binary, therefore oppresed along the gender axis. A perfect fit! Almost like I came up with it after reading this bit. Does it still hold for the other city we've been shown?

With Amoni-Ram, we also have a very strong call for the Faded Axis, which is ableism. Since the people of the city considered prothesis to be superior, someone who lost a limb on an accident or was just born without one wouldn't be even distinguishable from someone who replaced a limb because it's cool. And Aram/Bumaro, being the main character oppressed along the Faded Axis, makes the case openly. The city is even easier to find amongst people lacking a limb.

The Harsh Axis is a bit harder to discover. But, if my theory holds water, it means that it should have an overlap with one of Korar's axes. It can't be that Amoni-Ram's Harsh Axis is Korar's Faded Axis, because we've just shown they're different, so it has to be the opposite: Amoni-Ram's harsh axis must be sexism.

At first, this doesn't track much. The stories don't show the city of Amoni-Ram being particularly harsh to women. But this is about themes, hence an element can be used in a more subtle way. The way Bumaro refers to Ludwig is written to very strongly represent a toxic, overbearing relationship - specially when one reads her email, then his reaction to it. Her reaction in the later Interregnum, after being released from his grip, brings very similar feelings. And other than his attempt to dominate 05-11, every instance in the story in which the Throne's power is used to dominate a single person, it is either Ludwig or the Preserver, both powerful and intelligent women kept under the hill of a literal patriarch. So I think it does track.

Let's open a big paretheses here because I'm about to go on a wild tangent. There is something else I thought of while going through this theory in my head last night. The story of the three cities involves one of the Gods falling to Earth and loaning their power to a human civilization (or, in the case of the Daeva, human-ish). But what if it wasn't given, what if it was stolen? The story about the OG Bumaro being made Mekhane's profit was told by the people he lorded over - it's his perspective. What if he stole her power, used it to call himself his prophet, and then left her to rot when she was no longer useful? The Maharaj of Mamjul also doesn't have much say in Korar, even though he's the one dreaming the whole place up. What if the power of the Gods wasn't freely given, but stolen? What if that was why the BLACKSTAR was tasked by the Black Moon to destroy these upstart empires - not as an act of random violence or revenge, but at the behest of the Black Moon to free its siblings?

This is less of a theory than a hunch - but, if I may step off the Death of the Author car for a moment, I remember Rounderhouse saying that the Gold Proposal was meant to be the centerpiece of the series, and the other works would be smaller, but then, well, Jade happened. If that's the case, then maybe this symmetry wasn't meant to be apparent when he wrote Gold. But, if this reveal is planned, then he surely knew that this happened as he wrote Gold, and would see the city as built in the back of sexism to an extent that's not immediately apparent to readers. But this is so far off that's more of a hunch than a theory, so let us close these parenthesis and resume.

Now we come to a dangerous place. Since I believe the three cities are mirrors of each other, we can actually predict what the axes of Additum will be. Which means this theory is falsifiable! Damn, I don't write literary analysis to be PROVEN WRONG, what the hell am I doing? But it's too late, the car is on the road again, let's see where it takes us.

In order for the cycle to be complete, Additum's Faded Axis must be Mamjul/Korar's Harsh Axis. This works immensely well, since we know Additum was founded by an enslaved man originally from Mamjul. It would make sense that, after taking over power, he would desire a society without slaves. If the axis truly is classism, as I believe, then it'd be a truly horizontal society, in which meritocracy works and everyone has as much power as they work for.

The second prediction suggests that Additum's Harsh Axis must be Amoni-Ram's Faded Axis, which is ableism. I believe this tracks with Additum's great power being something akin to necromancy. If after you die, your body is raised to fight for the city that held you in life, then it becomes much more important that your body is kept in pristine condition at the moment of your death... if you lose a limb, you are inconvenienced for the rest of your life, but it's much more important that the zombie you become after will die will be less effective, and that will last for much longer, and that will harm all the people of the great city and not just you! I don't doubt that this means that anyone who loses a limb would immediately be put to the sword - or worse, banned from civil life, unable to work anywhere, all to be encouraged to 'donate' their body to the zombie armies a bit sooner, so that if they don't give an entire body, at least they'll give a body that still has the strenght of youth.

Finally, this theory would mean that the main character in the Bone proposal will be someone oppressed along the class axis. There are too many ways this can go about for me to offer a confident prediction - but I think an interesting case will be that the Foundation lore has its own axis of class oppression, the D-class. Given that the situation in Amoni-Ram was an unmitigated failure and the situation in Korar is, while apparently better for the Foundation, at most a mitigated failure, I don't think it's an stretch that for the third people they'll send in the people with the least authority possible to run the site. As I've been away from the SCP site for quite a while, I'm not sure if the idea that D-class personnel are people scheduled for death sentences is still the dominant canon, but I think a more interesting approach would be someone who was 'demoted' to D-class due to terrible actions as a Foundation employee (which something else that I don't know how strongly remains in the Foundation's shared canon).

Anyway, I'm very excited by the prospect of Bone proposal having been published while I'm writing this and having already been proven wrong. This is what I write theories for!

[magicalara]

The Story of Grelle the Reaper: A review by yours truly

So basically I'm in love with @eemoo1o-animoo's story The Story of Grelle the Reaper (TSOGTR) even if there's only the prelude and the first chapter thus far and to show my appreciation, I wanted to do a full on like review/analysis sort of thing. If you haven't read it, I HIGHLY recommend you do (and yk I mean it bc I out it in caps, italics, and bold) you can find it here. As more of the story comes out, I'll continue on doing this because I like to analyze and comment on literature and this one is one of those examples of a great thing to look at.

Okay long winded intro over onto my thoughts starting with the Prelude~

I'd also like to add that this will probably get pretty long so...yeah. Another add on, I was messaging Ell themselves while writing a portion of this idk if you can tell but it'll influence more chapter one things just wanted to add it.

Prelude

So the prelude isn’t very long, which like duh, it’s a prelude. Some are long, but this one isn’t and I think that that is a charming point for it. I’ve read preludes that were miles long and some which were one sentence and both suck. The length of just a few paragraphs feels just right here; enough to set up a small bit of story to come while not giving away too much. If I wasn’t a Black Butler fan already and didn’t know about how reapers came to be, I’d be hooked just from the mystery of it all. What led this “her” to want to be at this point? What does she want to be “free” from? The grasps of life itself, or perhaps something more? Either way, the length gives just enough to where even someone who doesn’t already have knowledge on the Kuroverse could come in and get hooked.

That all aside, there are some lines I’d like to point out as well to just give my initial thoughts on. These are more bullet-pointy so have at it with my thoughts:

“Dark clouds rolled across the tempestuous seas…”

I’ll go more into this when I reach the first chapter proper but the weather is something which is used to create the atmosphere (duh, Em, get to your point). What I mean by this is that the way that the weather, the dark clouds, the rain that gets mentioned later on, the roaring sea, the “calloused waves”, is all an amazing way to show the absolute turmoil that Grelle is in. The weather is so symbolic of her feelings as she takes in her, at least what she knows to be, final moments. This all makes more sense later when I’ll mention it in my analysis/review of chapter 1.

“The rain washed the rouge from her cheeks, but the sow’s blood still clung to her skin and stained her white frilled shirt.”

First, I have to mention the “sow’s blood” part because I don’t know if this was supposed to connect to anything but when I looked up what “sow” was Macbeth came up and bro I can’t get away from that fucking play. A sow is a female pig for anyone else wondering, by the way, and in Macbeth, a sow’s blood is used in the witches’ spell in the beginning of the play. The whole part is alluding to the fact that they are using the blood of a mother pig who ate her baby and it’s supposed to show a dark, gruesome ritual taking place and some even have taken it as a parallel to how a mother should protect her babies, not slaughter like Macbeth later does when he (spoiler) starts killing people. I don’t think that this is meant to mean anything in relation to TSOGTR, but if it does, it’s probably just for that dark aspect. (There’s a bit more that I can say on this pig part in a different context entirely, but I’ll leave that to chapter 1).

For the line itself without too many other deeper meanings, I’d like to say that the description of the blood still being there and the rain not being able to wash it all away is symbolic of how Grelle is past the point of no return in terms of she’s dying and no one’s going to stop her. She is committed to the bit and will be killing herself. Another thing that comes to mind is the frequent use of the rain being able to wash away all our sins in just daily life and how, here, the rain can’t do that. The rain will not wash away the sins that she feels she carries, just the same as it will not wash away the blood.

“I’ll be free, like a bird.”

There’s a lot more use of the “free, like a bird” analogy in the following paragraph but I’m just quoting this first line to make it not as confusing. Freedom is…a difficult thing to define, especially as someone who knows Grelle’s fate after this. Here, freedom means simply that she doesn't have to be kept down by the shackles of what is expected of her. By killing herself, she is free from expectation. Of course, we Black Butler fans know that she goes from that sense of freedom to being shackled down again by the Grim Reaper Dispatch, however, she doesn’t at this moment. At this moment, Grelle is “Light as a feather, free as a bird.”, as is later said. I like the juxtaposition that this creates as someone who knows where she’ll end up. 

So the next part I wanna call out before going over to chapter 1 is the switch in pronouns in the second to last sentence. The line reads “Then, pain filled her head and blood filled the air, before he hit the water.” I highly doubt that this was accidental and, if it is, oops. If not, then I absolutely love that. The way that I read it is that the “her” and the “she” that we have been reading about this whole time is Grelle in her head. It’s all her thoughts and how she herself views it. This “he” that suddenly appears, however, is the physical being, Grell. Grell is not the Grelle that we have been reading in the paragraphs prior. Grell is the physical body that Grelle is inhabiting. Grell is the one that hits the water, not Grelle. Grelle is filled with emotional pain and Grell is filled with physical pain as he is the one to hit the water, not her. Like I said, I don’t know if that is intentional or not but if it is holy shit is that such an amazing way to put it and I’m obsessed. 

~~~~

And that’s the prelude. For the ones who are still here, wow congrats, take a break, drink some water. Now you know how complicated and long winded my thoughts get so are you sure you wanna continue? That’s supposed to be a joke. I’m not funny… ANyways, the prelude is a great way to get me hooked onto the story (not like I needed it, I was hooked from first mention), and is also a good intro for anyone who just happened to stumble upon it. Black Butler lovers and non-Black Butler lovers can unite in the start of something which is obviously of quality work here. I’m excited to see where it leads us to next.