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almostfoxglove · 4 months ago

Text

I'LL CARRY IT

written for my angst challenge

Rating: Explicit (18+)

Pairing: Javier x f!Reader

Word Count: 5.9k

you can read on ao3 too, if you like!

SUMMARY: Your childhood best friend returns to Laredo a celebrated hero. When he shows up at your bar shackled by grief, you drag him home for the night. CW: Heavy alcohol consumption and brief reference to the death of a parent. A fair bit of yearning.

Takes place somewhere in S3E1 after the wedding but before Javier returns to Colombia.

part II | series masterlist | masterlist

12:00 A.M.

At first you mistake it for a good thing. Last shift before your weekend, two hours to go, and the long-gone local hero back in his hometown smoking a cigarette at your bar. Your break over, you slink from the backroom into the riotous din of The Last Man Standing—one of Laredo’s many dives—to reclaim your post behind the bar. Place is a hellhole as often as it is crowded and tonight’s no different, and yet you’re halfway to a smirk. Pleased to see an old friend.

He hasn’t looked up, hasn’t seen you yet, so you busy yourself with the guy who flags you down to order the second he spots you. Fine by you, the guy tips well the later it gets and it’s already after midnight, and regardless, you don’t mind having an excuse to observe The Javier Peña, DEA agent extraordinaire, at a distance. Top button undone, cigarette vanishing in his hand, eyes glued to the ring-stained bartop as smoke shivers out between his lips. Quite the celebrity now. Been home three weeks if the rumors are true but you’ve yet to see him. You figured he’d call, but he didn’t—not that you’re surprised.

Eight years feels like nothing now. Maybe he’s a hero to everyone else, but to you Javier looks exactly the same as he has his whole life—all that’s changed is the depth of his misery. How he doesn’t look up for anything or anyone, except to shrug off the occasional shoulder clap from some drunk stranger.

When you’ve served the guy his drink and collected your tip—30%, thank you sir—you shake the nerves loose from your shoulders and slide up, glass in hand.

“Well shit,” you say when you’re in front of him, and Javier slowly lifts his eyes. You smile, all rogue. No shake to your voice at all as you pour a whiskey blind. “This the part when I ask for an autograph?”

Javier’s dark brow dips in the middle and you might as well be twenty-eight again. Twenty-one. Eighteen. Eleven. All the ages you’ve been with him in all the years you’ve known him. Because this, right here—that little furrow that looks like a frown if you’re not looking close enough—is exactly how he’s always been. How he’s always looked at you after time spent away.

Sure, there’s never been this much away . This much radio silence. The kind of parting that comes with getting older, getting further—something you once would’ve sworn only happens to everyone else. You’ve made your peace with it. Wished him well from the wrong side of the hemisphere. You’ve had lives of your own.

Seems he can still cut a tiny hole in your chest when he withholds a smile.

Javier spears smoke from the corner of his mouth as you slip his empty glass behind the bar and replace it with the fresh pour, watching as he nods in a tired, humorless way. “Not signing shit for you,” he gruffs, and snubs his filter into the crystal ashtray beside his glass.

One-two-three-four-five others sit beside it, ashed in their grave.

So he feels about as bad as he looks.

“Awful snappy for a man hoggin’ a barstool,” you reply.

The corner of his mouth flinches but doesn’t pull. He picks up his glass, eyes sagging away from you. “Nice to see you too,” Javier concedes.

1:00 A.M.

Friday means it’s crazy, means the rest of your shift slingshots by, and most of the night someone else is working Javier’s side of the bar so you lose track of his drinks. The windows of the bar have fogged, giving the world beyond a kind of eerie glow.

You do your best to watch him, holding in your stomach a knot of newborn worry, but there’s always someone shouting for another drink. Now and then you catch some guy in a cap lumbering up to him to boast loudly of his pride, and though it’s microscopic—invisible maybe to everyone else—you see the way Javier shrinks in on himself. Folds.

The smoking, too, goes on. You sweep past him on your way to a booth in the corner, tray of shots balanced in hand, and accidentally inhale a sour cloud as he blows it out. You try to stifle your cough as you reach the table, doling out the silver glasses slick with tequila. On your way back to the bar, Javier catches your eye and snuffs the spent cigarette with an apologetic look. Pendant lights sway in his eyes like fireflies. You shake your head like he’s being silly, squeeze his shoulder briefly as you pass, and the roar of his body beneath your palm blazes like a campfire. The kind of heat that blackens everything to char.

You think he’s had four drinks, maybe five, but not for sure.

2:00 A.M.

Only the drunks remain to kick out into the bog of late-summer, all that humidity that ruins your hair. You like most of ‘em. Most swagger out with a slurred night, sweetheart as you usher them safely into their cabs. Then all that’s left is your childhood sweetheart slumped over at the bar. Dated for two weeks in sixth grade—broke up over god knows what, probably him stealing your favorite gel pens—and were inseparable ever after. The second that kid sloped into your classroom, all gangly limbs attached loose as rubber bands and dark curls drifting vagrantly into his eyes, you just knew. Didn’t know how, didn’t know why—but you knew that boy would be home, and he was for years.

Look at him now. Passed out drunk, lips parted, cheek squished flat beside his empty glass. His cigarette flares from his limp hand beside his face. You shoo off your coworker with a friendly gnight before slipping the cigarette from Javier’s fingers to crush in the crystal tray with its brothers.

You go about cleaning up around him. He doesn’t wake for anything—not even when you have to count all the coins in the till for the night—which also, is new. Javier’s always slept like shit, even when you were kids and there wasn’t much to sweat over. Woke up if someone in the other room dared to breathe too deeply.

Guess a bathtub’s worth of whiskey will take anybody out.

When it’s time to go, you slip your hand up his spine to rest between his shoulder blades. “Alright, cariño,” you say softly. “Time to go home.”

Javier stirs, but only barely. A grunt, a shallow breath, a flutter in his lashes. You pat his back firmly, not harshly, but enough that he sniffs and grunts again, awake.

“Blue’s still up there,” he mumbles with his eyes closed.

Grinning, you lift your face to the ceiling fan overhead—one of two dozen in this place, none of which run and all of which droop with a rainbow of bras tossed into the rafters. Above you now sways the strap of a pale blue bra mildewed with dust. Would’ve been your twenty-first when you shot that up there, and it’s never fallen.

“I’m a decent shot,” you say.

Now he grins, just half his lips, but a real one all the same. “I remember.”

“Course you do, I was better than you.”

At your teasing, the grin snaps clean off his face and his real frown replaces it. “No’anymorre,” he slurs.

Your heart plummets. You can see, now, the bruised darkness beneath his closed eyes as you rub a small circle in the middle of his back. If you were already home you’d pull him into your arms, but he can’t rot on this stool all night. In your silence, Javier cracks one eye at you. “Can’t drive,” he groans.

“No shit,” you say, forcing a soft grin, and he mumbles some gibberish that sounds like it’s supposed to be Spanish. “Come on, work with me here.”

His eye shuts again as he grimaces, face still smushed against the bartop. His hair’s a mess so you comb it back, but the fucker still won’t budge. Rolling your eyes, you lift his arm and drape it over your shoulders to help him off the stool, his body warm and pliant. More solid than you remember him being before. Layers of slender muscle built up like the rings of a tree.

When he rises, gravity lurches and you stagger under his weight, catching yourself against the bar.

“Careful now,” you warn him playfully.

Javier turns his face towards yours, close enough in this awkward position that his nose presses against your cheek. He reeks of smoke and shitty whiskey. A little of sweat. You’d mock him for it if he were anywhere within a hundred miles of sober, but he’s a lost cause for now. Your arm fits snug around his waist. To his credit, he makes an effort to stay on his feet. Turns his head down to watch his boots as you walk him outside like he’s focusing intently on putting one foot in front of the other. You pinch his side and he hmphs at you.

“Could’a just called, you know,” you say as you walk him to your car. The street is all empty parking spots and shuddered windows and packs of thirsty mosquitos, cicada song chirping densely in the air. Your car sleeps down the block alone, black as the sky and in need of a wash, green-strung beads hanging in a loop from the rearview mirror inside.

“Wanted t’ seeyou,” Javier says.

You nudge your head against his cheek gently. “I missed you too,” you say.

As you drive, streetlamps stripe past the windows. Brick buildings sit squat and lightless, bodegas shackled for the night, and a wilful trash bag balloons with a passing breeze, blowing across the road with a quiet, swimming grace. In the passenger seat, Javier slumps against the door, temple pressed to the half-open window. You think he’s asleep until he licks his bottom lip.

“Saw Lorraine,” he mumbles, those dark eyes closed away, like he can hardly keep himself awake.

You turn back to watch the empty road. Stop at the stop signs just for show. No one’s out here but you at this hour—Laredo is a ghost town.

“Heard Danny was gettin’ married,” you reply.

Javier exhales profoundly: slow, labored, loud. He’s always been a pouty drunk, but this is something else. “You weren’t there,” he says.

“Had to work.”

“Liar.”

You roll your eyes even though he isn’t looking at you to see. He’ll feel it. Always does. Drumming your fingertips against the steering wheel, you fight back a smirk. “Fucked one of the groomsmen last year,” you admit. “Didn’t feel like havin’ a reunion.”

When you glance at him again, Javier has opened his eyes a sliver to smirk at you, the corner of his mouth pulled into his dimpled cheek. “Julien?”

You frown at the road. “Mateo.”

“Shit,” mumbles Javier, still smirking.

“Somethin’ like that,” you agree.

At the next red light his eyes are closed again and despite the fact that he’s, what, thirty six now? Javier looks like a child to you. Spine hunched, torso sunken. Shoulders broader than ever but curled in on themselves, like if he only had the room he’d be small as a seed. Fetal and miserable. A thousand years older on the inside than anyone should ever have to be.

“Starin’ a’me,” he scolds, his words slumping into each other.

You huff quietly, caught. “Shut up,” you say. “Just remindin’ myself what you look like. Think you got uglier.”

He growls darkly, unamused.

As you turn at the next light, the green-beaded rosary sways from the rearview mirror. If he had his eyes open Javier would recognize it. His mother’s—passed to you before she died. You aren’t one for praying but you’ll die with it in your hands, you think. That’s the kind of person she was to you. Eternal.

Beside you, Javier mutters something unintelligible, his breath fogging the window.

“Hm?”

“Seein’ anyone yet?” he repeats, and shifts to loll his head back against the seatrest.

You gasp softly, feigning offense. “Yet? Ouch, baby,” you tease.

“Didn’t mean it like that,” he grumbles.

“I know,” you say, as you turn into the suburbs. Quiet starter homes lurk in the dark, kids’ bicycles lying like skeletons in their yellowing lawns. “I’m being mean.”

“I like y’mean,” Javier replies, and finally opens his eyes as if he can sense you’re getting close to home, even though he’s never seen this place. He stares through the windshield glazed and distant, and you try not to stare like you’re concerned. He looks destroyed, you think. Obliterated. Sure, you’ve kept up with the news. Devoured everything you could about the quest to tackle Escobar, terrified Javier’s name would appear in the black ink that stained your fingers, reporting he was dead. That he’d be another casualty, and you’d not have said goodbye.

You know you’ve got no clue what really happened down there. That you never will. But you can see it choking him, hanging from his neck like a noose that’s just biding its time before it pulls.

“Nah, it’s just me,” you say, dragging your eyes off him again. “Think the two weeks we dated was about the closest I ever came to love.”

You’re joking, all foxish grin, but Javier doesn’t laugh. He just stares into the middle distance looking like a ghost. “Sixteen,” he mumbles.

“What?” you say.

He sighs. “Was sixteen days,” he annunciates, and your heart sputters.

Then his face folds in on itself suddenly; he pales, then greens. “Gonna b’sick,” he says.

3:00 A.M.

“Christ, you got heavy,” you groan, hobbling slanted up your porch steps. Though more alert, Javier is no less useless in walking, and though he mumbles shame-riddled sorrys he can’t much help you here. You hold him tightly to you, fingers pinching into his hip as he leans, hot as a furnace against your side in the worst of summer. You don’t care.

It doesn’t matter that it’s been eight years. It could be forty, and if Javier showed up on your doorstep ready to fall, your response would only ever be give it to me. I’ll carry it.

He grunts as you prop him against the side of your house to fish out your keys. “All muscle,” he teases, voice deep and coarse.

“Glad you haven’t shed your ego,” you snark.

You give the door a shove as the lock turns. Javier tips his face up to look at the sliver of moon left out to wink from the sky as if he’s saying a prayer. He reeks of sick—his shirt stained in one spot on his chest where he failed to aim away from himself—and while he stares up at the dark rash of night you work open the buttons of his shirt to take it off. Despite puking in your car, he’s still too lost to the world to notice your hands until you’re halfway down. Maybe in another life you’d be staring at his chest as you uncover it. The broad slopes of muscle, his stomach, the dark path of hair trailing towards his jeans. But in this life, you aren’t that to each other. You don’t get to be.

“Cariño,” Javier says, and one of his hands covers yours as you pinch the last button. Looking down at you now, concerned through hazy eyes. Summer hangs wetly in the air; his curls lay damp against his skin, licking his temples, the nape of his neck.

You shrug his hand off yours, offering a small grin. “Gotta get this in the wash, Javi,” you tell him. “Not allowed to get in my bed smelling like puke.”

Cicadas sing from their trees. Your house, small as it may be, is a welcoming place. All red bricks and white shutters. The swing on the porch sways behind Javier, giving the occasional squeak. You shuck his button-up off his shoulders and ball it in your hands before catching his eye. “Can I trust you to stay upright while I put this in the wash?” you ask, one eyebrow arched.

He scowls, all pouty bottom lip—trying to make you laugh, even now. You huff as if exhausted, sarcastic and a little pleased. He’s in there, the person you’ve loved. Somewhere buried.

When the laundry is running you find him on your porch swing, horizontal. One bare arm dangling off the seat, his eyes closed again. Skin that’s usually golden washed silver by moonlight. In this heat there’s no reason for you to cover him but still you feel the nagging urge. Even with you here with him, you hate the thought of anyone coming out onto their porches or lawns to see him like this—out of control. You rouse him just enough to lift his head so you can sit at the end of the swing, then lay his head in your lap. He hums. A low, gravelly sound of pleasure. Glad to feel you beneath him in this small way.

“M’sorry, baby,” Javier murmurs groggily, nuzzling his cheek against your leg as you stroke the hair away from his face again. He’s flushed, damp and sweaty, and even with the shirt gone could use a shower but you’d never say so. At this point, you’ve seen him in every state—sunny and terrible and everything in between—and don’t fear any of them. Don’t hate any of them. Never could, because all of them are him, so how could you.

“Cleaned up your puke before,” you reply. “Nothin’ I haven’t seen.”

He sighs, and with no small effort rolls himself onto his back with a grunt—the swing sways with the movement, rocking you both. Then once more, this time to his other side to face you. You chuckle softly as he settles, one of his arms reaching behind you to wrap around your hips, and for a while you drift back and forth with the porch light off and the moon’s claw cutting through the dark.

It’d be something close to heaven if it weren’t for his pain.

“Wanted to call you,” Javier sighs, after a long while of cricketing quiet. “After—”

Nothing.

You wait.

The rest of whatever he was going to say dissolves, never follows. Never becomes something for you to hold, to know, to carry. He keeps all the weight.

“Could’ve,” you say, hand in his hair again, how he always used to like. Even when you were kids he always wanted to be touched. His head in your lap, your hand in his hair to scare off his bad dreams. You could never tell a soul without destroying him—and you never wanted to. The way you were for each other was just that: for each other. Everyone knew you were close, inseparable at school. But the depth of that bond was a secret no one had to know. How his body needed to be close to yours to settle, to breathe, sometimes to sleep.

Javier’s nose scrunches as he fights off some stabbing thought. You stroke your thumb across his temple, trying to get him to look at you, but he won’t.

“Tell me,” you whisper.

Two words you never say. A question you never ask. He’s so far past drunk he’s practically a child—maybe it’s wrong to ask him like this—but you’d do anything to relieve even one ounce of this suffering.

Eventually, he exhales deeply, breath warm against your hip. Behind you, you feel his hand stroke your back, slipping beneath the hem of your shirt. “Thought you’d hate me,” he mumbles.

Your heart splinters. Every cell in your body wants to pull him against you, pull him into you, swallow the ache. “Should know better than that by now,” you say.

The shoulder he isn’t laying on bobs with what must be a shrug. “Been a while.”

“Been a long time,” you agree. Not angry, not bitter, not blaming—it’s been a long time. It’s nothing to you now but a fact. Seeing him again has erased the nag of your neglected longing.

With a gruff, Javier’s arm tightens around your back and he pulls himself closer, his forehead nuzzling your hip bone. “Feels like a’undred years,” he says, his voice hoarse and broken.

There isn’t anything you can do but card your fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp with featherlight nails. You let your head fall back against the brick of your house. Exhausted, but you won’t sleep. You’ll stay awake with him all night if he needs it, if he asks you. Even if he doesn’t.

4:00 A.M.

“No more water,” he begs. “Please.”

In your kitchen, just the stove light on, he’s sobering. Not sober —but he can stand up on his own. Leaning back against your counter, both hands outstretched to rest upon the laminate. Cool light splits his face in half—one bright and weary, one lost to shadow. You roll your eyes and hold one hand out to accept his water glass which he passes you with a grateful sigh.

You listen to the harsh rush of water draining into the kitchen sink—a stark disruption to the eerie quiet of the middle of the night in which it feels like you and Javier are the only people left on earth.

Behind you, Javier groans, watching the glass fill again.

“It’s for the nightstand, baby,” you assure him as you pass it back.

He pouts at it, arms drooping at his sides. Trying again. Digging for your laugh. With expectant eyes you pick up his hand and cup it around the glass, and when you let go and he doesn’t drop it you let a smile creep slowly across your face. Satisfied, he straightens a little, swaying slightly, and nods. He looks down at the floor, his bare feet, and his face blues. Darkens like he’s remembering.

You lay the palm of your hand over the center of his chest and beneath it Javier’s heart throbs steadily. His lungs expand. His blood moves. Alive—whether he feels it or not—and a comfort to you.

Though you’ve lived in this house only three years and Javier’s never once seen or stepped foot in it, he trails through the narrow halls to your bedroom like he knows it well. Sloppy footsteps, yes, and always with you behind him braced to catch any sudden fall, but he makes it in the end. Water sloshes over the lip of his glass as he sets it down. Then—still in his jeans, which hug his thighs so tightly you’re surprised he doesn’t try to peel them off—he crawls into your bed, on top of the duvet. In the doorway you pause to watch him and get a vision of another life in which he does this every night, at ease in your home because it’s his home too.

It is a terrible thought, weak and troubling. It’ll burrow if you let it, so you kick it away. While you strip free of your work clothes, you watch him in the small mirror above your dresser; his head flops into your pillows, cheek smushed, eyes sliding closed. Those dark lashes, those parted lips. Always exactly the same. He doesn’t even glance in your direction—he doesn’t need to peek at your body. He’s seen you before. You him.

“Was Mateo worse than me,” he asks from the bed, like he’s read your mind. No surprise. For years, you would’ve sworn he could.

You blush, though he’s not looking. “Javi,” you say softly.

“Sorry,” he sighs.

In a t-shirt, you pad around the other side of the bed to crawl over the covers and curl onto your side to face him, one hand beneath your cheek. “Sex in college is supposed to be bad,” you tell him, grinning.

His brows pinch together, bracketing his forehead. “Shouldn’t've been with you,” he mumbles.

Yes, he’s how you remember. Ever chasing some rabbit hole to plummet down to avoid the cavern to which he’ll give no name. He’s got one hand buried under his pillow—how easy it is to think of your things as his—and the other lies between you, limp. You take it in your own, pull it to your lips, and press them to his knuckles. “We were kids,” you say, sure to smile against the back of his hand so he’ll feel it.

He huffs. “Drunk.”

“That too.”

“Better now, I swear.”

You laugh. Can’t help it. Silver light from the moon puddles over you, illuminating half his face, the curve of his shoulder, the slope of his arm. Even miserable, probably in a blackout, one foot hanging sadly off the edge of the mattress, Javier is someone who draws laughter out of you with ease, same as when you were kids. You kiss the back of his hand again, still grinning, and watch the frown dissolve from his face. He’s always been beautiful in a way that never seemed fair, but you think it might be getting worse with age. No one should look so good in this state, but there he is.

“Sure hope so, baby,” you tease.

Now he cracks one dark eye to squint at you, the corner of his mouth loosening, curling into his cheek. Then there’s that dimple. Your heart patters. You’ve missed him. “Could show you,” Javier smirks.

You roll your eyes. “You aren’t showin’ me shit right now.”

His bottom pink pops again, pouting as he broods, yanking another chuckle from you while he murmurs something you miss. Something that ends with good though.

“Hm?” you say.

“You smell good though,” Javier murmurs, and though soft you hear it this time. That almost whine.

“Well, when you put it that way,” you tease, and like magic, he laughs. Smile lines crinkle beside his eyes, nose scrunching. Beautiful. It is, you think, the best of him—how he looks when he actually laughs. It takes over his face.

As you both settle, he scooches closer on the bed, squeaking the mattress. You feel the warm plume of his breath whisper over your face as he sighs. He has, it seems, only a match of levity at a time. It sparkles, flares, and smokes out too quickly.

It isn’t a frown that replaces it, but despair. “Gonna feel like shit tomorrow,” he mutters, no louder than a whisper. No need to speak any louder when you’re lying this close. Your lips press to his knuckles again and this time he squeezes your hand, the muscles in his forearm briefly tensing. Freckles dot his bicep like stars.

“You feel like shit right now,” you whisper in reply.

Javier nods, face folding like he wants to cry. But he almost never does, not even in front of you.

5:00 A.M.

You drift into brief tides of sleep with the warmth of him around you, his face in the crook of your neck. For most of your life, you’ve chalked up the ease with which you touch each other to an echo of your childhoods—a time in which touch is given often and without judgment. There has never been hesitation between you, not in this way. Even now, eight years since the last time you saw him, Javier slots against you in a way that just feels right—new, broader shoulders and all.

His slow, deep breaths warm your neck, your collarbone. You couldn’t wiggle out of his arms if you tried, and though it’s warm even with the window open, even with both of you on top of the covers, you don’t want to. Eight years is a long time to go without this.

When he stirs with a tortured groan, you nudge your lips against his forehead. “S’okay,” you mumble, and the whine that snakes out of him rattles your chest and slices clean through your heart. Wrapping a hand around the back of his head, fingers threading through curls, you pull him closer, and his arms tighten around your waist.

Maybe it should feel wrong when Javier nuzzles into your neck to kiss you softly beneath the jaw, but it doesn’t.

“Baby—” he croaks, and you hush him, petting his hair.

You don’t want him to say it. You never say it. If he says it now, it’ll ruin you.

“I know, Javi,” you whisper, squeezing your eyes closed so tight you see a rain of stars. “I know.”

“Y’ never let me say it,” he mumbles against your throat, his breath fogging your skin.

“You don’t need to,” you say.

“Wanted to, you know,” he replies, his voice so gentle you feel it pass from his chest to yours in a shallow tremor.

You chuckle softly from the darkness behind your eyes, like opening them will break the spell. “Oh yeah? When?”

He shrugs, his body loose and boneless. The heat of him is making you sweat.

“The whole time,” Javier mumbles, and you wish suddenly that he weren’t so close because he must hear the sudden racing of your heart. “Pensé que me casaría contigo.”

If he didn’t hear its racing, you think, there’s no way he misses when it stops. Your Spanish is mediocre at best but you catch fragments, piece it together. I thought I’d marry you.

Your forehead wrinkles as a sudden urge to cry slams into you, shattering your bones. At least you manage to pat his back teasingly, feigning coolness, steadiness. Pretending he hasn’t toppled you.

“Think you’re confusing me and Lorraine, cariño,” you tease quietly, hopeful that the wetness in your eyes doesn’t taint your voice.

Silence stretches like an elastic threatening a snap, a sting, a burn. But Javier exhales in a way that feels like he’s asleep again, like all of this is just nonsense cooked up in some drunken dream. Soon sleep is dragging at you sweetly, loosening your limbs again. You grow heavy, face slack, your limbs indistinguishable from his. When he whispers again you hardly hear it and the words don’t stick. You’ll forget them when you next wake for real. But he says them all the same.

“Not confusin’ you with anybody.”

Then you’re gone, sucked away. Asleep.

6:00 A.M.

The yellow morning leaks through your bedroom. You wake to a glint in your eyes: sunlight reflecting off a picture frame on your dresser. You and Javier twenty years ago dressed for junior prom, hidden now by the blinding. Squinting, you groan a soft mph sound as you wake, desperate to bury yourself in sleep again.

In your brief slumber the two of you have remained braided—two strands of clinging ivy. Against you, Javier groans, humming tiredly against your throat, and you feel his hand slip up the hem of your shirt again, his palm flat over your spine.

Half asleep, you let him.

Half asleep, you let yourself remember.

You’re twenty five again. Just a few years out of college, both of you home for the summer. Out in the long grass in Chucho’s yard, you stretch yourselves out to sunbathe in the Texas summer, watching bumblebees laze drowsily between blooming thistles. Beside you, Javier lies on his back with both hands cradled beneath his head while you read, those yellow aviators over his eyes.

“Could get a place together,” he says. So casual, so simply.

Looking up from your book, you see the pink collar of sunburn around his neck and grin to yourself. “We’d get sick of each other,” you lie.

Javier only shrugs, unaware, you think, that you spent all of college in love with him. In freshman year, you’d stumbled home together after a party and he’d kissed you against your front door, waking you from what you realized then had been a lifetime of slumber. You’d never considered kissing him before, but all of a sudden it was obvious. You thought this is what your lips should have been doing all this time.

But it never happened again. The sex was awkward, clumsy—you’d only done it once before—and you told yourself that’s why he never tried again. You never tried either. Now it’s a joke you tell each other, trying to make the other person blush.

The thought of sharing an apartment with him sends a river of panic through your veins. It would kill you to watch him bring Lorraine home. To hear him fuck someone else through the wall. It's bad enough watching her starry eyes whenever he walks into a room. Bad enough watching him kiss her, hands pressed to the small of her back.

“If you say so,” he says, looking not one bit disappointed.

Half asleep, you let yourself dream you said yes.

7:00 A.M.

You don’t know who leans in—if you tilt your head down or if Javier tilts his up, if it starts in your sleep—only that when you next stir the morning is darkening to gold and orange. Panels of windowed sunlight crawl slowly across your legs, and you are kissing.

Javier’s lips melt against yours. It’s nothing like when you were kids. Eighteen and nervous wrecks, your teeth always getting in the way.

It’s different now. You know how to kiss each other like you’ve had the practice, like it hasn’t been almost two decades since last you tried. Pliant and sleepy, his tongue licking gently into your mouth. His mustache scratches sweetly against your skin. When a breathy sound whimpers from you, he cups your jaw, his other arm locking snug around your waist. There’s no rush to it, no progression. You don’t strip down and fuck—both of you content with only this: the soft murmurs you breathe into each other. The lifetime of wanting in every kiss.

Because you have wanted him, you realize. Not just in college, but before then and every day since. Maybe from the first day he walked into your sixth grade class and felt like home. Even these last eight years when you’d accepted that he was gone from your life for good, your friendship having reached the end of its life, you wanted him.

He grunts when you nibble gently at his bottom lip, and you smile. Then he moans. And it’s perfect, somehow, like he’s dug around in the cabinets of your mind to know exactly how you want to be kissed. Deeply, patiently. All tongue and breath and yielding lips, your hands in his hair, the fire of him enveloping you.

You say nothing; you talk with your touch.

He stripes his tongue along your bottom lip: I’m sorry.

You tug at his curls: I’m sorry.

He kisses the corners of your mouth: I’m sorry.

You lick the hinge of his jaw: I’m sorry.

His thumb strokes the apple of your cheek: I’m sorry. I’m falling asleep.

You tilt your head to better taste him: I don’t want to fall asleep.

But you do. The tide drags you out, your body molten, exhausted, hypnotized. Your lips still touching as you fall into a dream.

8:00 A.M.

When next you open your eyes, you’ve rolled towards the window and the weight and warmth of his arms is gone. You don’t bother turning over. Don’t bother reaching for him.

You know the bed will be empty on his side, cold.

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bisonaari · 4 months ago

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Käärijä Summer Camp report

I don't really come here anymore and I don't think I'll be back anytime soon, but I still wanted to make a post about this! It's probably gonna be pretty long hahaha

Last time I travelled with my husband, but this time with the amount of things to do and people to meet, he preferred staying at home and took care of our little balcony garden <3 Thanks to him we now have a full ass jungle on our balcony lol

My flights were really uneventful. My first flight to europe was so empty that I had a full row to myself so I could have some good sleep time (albeit a bit uncomfy lol, plane seats are so hard), but that was it.

When I got to Helsinki, I was welcomed by a bunch of GOOFS omg

@mitamicah @j-restlessgeek @teal-skull @katinkulta @clovermoonspell and her friend from Norway were all there, Micah and Susanna arriving a bit earlier than me. We all went to the place I was going to share with Missy, Susanna and @kaarijalist for the next two days.

Those people. Are the best. I fucking love them so much you have no idea. Everyone I'll tag in this post is an absolute cutie that I love but I'LL SAY IT EVERYTIME Skull gave me my birthday present in advance and I just BWAAAAAHH that was so sweet ;A; It was a Jukka autograph that they got for me back in Böle (now framed in my living room ehehehe) and a custom bracelet for me, inspired by my kääryle tattoo ;A; I loved it so ridiculously much it was ADORABLE

I learnt later that day that I wouldn't be able to meet @likearainbowinthedark until much later in my trip and it was a bit sad, I really missed them ;A; Friendship at first sight during february, and now I have to wait MORE to see their face again??? UNFAIR!! And also I had made little crochet frogs for them and their wife ohoho I couldn't wait to give them to their new owners <3

We also met with @formulalakana and @carpblu at a cafe during the afternoon! I was a bit burnt out by the whole you know… flying 12 hours thingie, so I ended up going back to our place but it was still lovely meeting with them they are amazing people!!

The day after that was the actual Summer Camp meet up day!! We all met at the mural together with many people already tagged here, but also @jaarijani @smimon @icbimakb and @tuherrus !! I can't believe that we just started to talk on tumblr and we were all there???? In person??? In front of that stupid Käärijä mural, exchanging bracelets and laughing together? That was just amazing

After a group picture, it was raining too much to have a proper picnic, so we went to the Tikkurila library to actually have some time to hangout and share snacks and gifts from our countries, and draw on each other's clothes and notebooks hahaha. A really, really lovely time with everyone, I'm so happy it went so well. On one side of the room was the Summer Camp flag that Skull had made, and to me it was perfect.

I also was sitting next to icbimakb and I had some time to nerd out to them because they're my fav artist of all time and they let me look at their sketchbook and it was an honor and I don't think that my eyes will ever recover from looking at so much beautiful art. @shirtlessradfahrer arrived at about that time as well.

A bit later we were joined by @follivora @wednesdayday @king-krisu and @khihi !! They didn't stay long but it was fun to finally meet after seeing them on tumblr for such a long time !! Some of us went to queuing, the rest of us stayed to clean up and we went to the venue a bit later <3

The Backas gig was one of the greatest moments of my life. Seriously. Everything went SO WELL??? Missy, Susanna and I headed out to the vip area for the pre show meal, and the food was amazing seriously. I wish I could have eaten about 3000 more of those fucking potatoes they were INCREDIBLE. We were looking at people running for barricade with tenderness hahaha, like "Look at our children <3 So much energy". Then suddenly, Missy spotted him. The Häärijä. Chatting to people next to the merch booth. She had to stop eating immediately because she had gifts to give him, and there might not be any other occasion to do so. I also handed her the fanzines because I'm a bit too shy and I don't have anything to say to Häärijä hahaha.

Part of my Backas report in a previous post ! I'll just focus on the untold parts here

At the venue it was time to meet @hyviihommi and @omppupiiras and also @blatantlyhidden and @because-its-eurovision !!! And wait also @tmrwds and @taidotonheiluja and some more people that I don't know the url of but I know are fellow tumblr users!!

I can't say how much I loved this gig. Hugo was really great, he looks so much like jere when he was younger hahaha. Käärijä was in SUCH a great mood, he was smiling so much and having the time of his life being on stage that day I don't think I'll ever recover. It felt so good being there and having an artist in front of us who was having a blast. I was dancing with Skull and Missy (my immediate neighbours hahaha), looking at Micah and Carpblu having a blast in front of us, enjoying the music that I had been listening for more than a year now with other people who also loved the same music. It was such an experience I will never forget this. We also got Paidaton riehuja!! I did remove my shirt hahaha. If I wasn't wearing a mesh shirt and a bra I would have gone full tits out hahaha, but it was too much of a hassle. But it was SO FUN being able to take part in this!!!

I don't usually listen to It's Crazy It's Party, but live?? It's seriously top 10 of the greatest moments of my life. Seeing everyone around me going fucking insane was incredible and I wish I could go back to those moments.

After the show, we stayed around a bit to chat more. We took another group picture, who is absolutely perfect and I will cherish forever.

Our little group went back to our appartment by taxi and we missed the occasion to say taksit on jo pihalla I'm very disappointed smh

We were already losing our minds because of how well the meetup and the gig went and everyone getting to see their blorbos and have pictures and chats with them, when Missy looked at her phone and SCREAMED because Häärijä had made a story with the fanzine holy shit. You don't know how fucking proud I was. I think I looked at it for 5 hours straight hahaha. He doesn't know how a video that probably took him 5 minutes to film and post made every artist's day it was INCREDIBLE.

(this is a terrible selfie but whatever HAHAHA)

On thursday, it was matching tattoos time!! I am now the proud owner of a pineapple tattoo, matching with Missy, Jay, Cass and Micah. I am ridiculously happy to have it. I feel like we really are a weird family and I found my people. I love it so, so much.

Got to meet with @pianist-chan that day as well!! We all had a lovely picnic together as a group in a park, then one song at a karaoke bar! Micah and I didn't vibe with the bar so after a huge peak of anxiety we all decided to leave hahaha. It was lovely hanging out with everyone anyway so whatever hahaha.

Friday was the Allas gig!! I met up with the gang in the morning to go eat breakfast together, and we ended up getting @hika-chachachan at the same time after we both discovered that we're not the only french fan here HAHAHA. Sorry for everyone with us, we spoke in french most of the meal time because it was fun not having to speak in english for a short time hahaha. Later that day, we took a picture making the JUL sign, the only correct pose for cringe french people uWu

Then I went back to my hostel for a nice nap, got some food with Kat and then finally joined the queue one hour before doors. (I got to see @izpira-se-zlato and @n3ongold3n there! And also I could hug Bec again 💚) We got a pretty nice spot so I'm not disappointed! Although this time Jukka didn't notice me but it's fine I can't win everytime hahaha. The gig was also a lot of fun, nothing much to say here! I didn't realize at that time that it was my last time of this trip seeing Elsa, and I only fully realized it after she left :' ( I would have hugged you a lot harder hahaha

Saturday, Benjamin Peltonen and Erika Vikman gig with the kcord gang!! Before that I went to eat lunch with Cass!! It was sad saying bye, but I really had a fun time with them ;A; <3

I was super late for the gig and arrived after doors because that one guy in my hostel didn't realize that THERE IS ONLY ONE TUMBLE DRYER FOR THE ENTIRE HOSTEL DON'T LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AFTER THEY'RE DONE. URGH. He told me he just went to take a shower because it was taking too long WATCH YOUR GODDAMN CLOTHES MY DUDE I was so annoyed hahaha

Another session of meeting up with new people! This time I got to chat with @labda-kesho @beesgobzzzing and @dragon0blood and some more people I don't know the url of!! Anyway we had a great time! Benjamin looks like an angel, and Erika is…… you know how Erika is I don't need to tell yall HAHAHA. Everything would have been perfect without the extremely drunk girls around us spilling their drinks everywhere and literally falling on people. They had to be escorted out during Erika's part because they were way too annoying for everyone.

On sunday I FINALLY MET WITH EKO YIPPIE IT WAS TIME. I went to visit them in Espoo and ended up staying chatting with them for like 5 hours big oops hahaha we get along so well it felt like 10 minutes ;A; It was also my first time taking the bus by myself in Finland like a big girl!!! For the tram Elsa helped me so I could take it alone after she showed me how to, but the bus to another city?? That was a first one my mother is very proud

Monday, I went to Suomenlinna! When I lived in France 20 years ago, I lived right next to the ocean in a coastal city. Then we moved inland in Canada and you don't know how much I miss the ocean every single day. It's the #1 thing I miss about living in France, so I HAD to go to Suomenlinna. First of all, being on a boat again was so great, I really had missed that. It reminded me of the ferries I used to go on to travelfrom my dad's place to my grandma's place. Great times hahaha. Then I just wandered around for three hours, minding my own business and avoiding people hahaha. I sat next to the sea listening to the waves for hours. And it was the BEST. I think it cured me of 28 mental illnesses I didn't know I had.

On tuesday, I met with Eko once again but in Helsinki this time! We went to get tea together and chatted for another couple of hours HAHAHA. Teemaa in Helsinki is a lovely tea shop and you should definitely go!! I also went to the Skywheel on my way back I just HAD to yknow, Käärijä tourism

After I got back to the hostel, it was packing time to leave Helsinki for other horizons.

PART 2: OUTSIDE OF THE CIRCLE

My next stop was Oulu! So I headed out to the train station on wednesday morning to go on a 6 hours journey hahaha. At least it was a direct train, and the guy next to me was only here from Tampere to Seinäjoki, so I still had quite a lot of space for myself.

Once in Oulu, I was staying with @theplantbish and her partner. I cannot say how much I love her. There are not enough words to express this. The other people I immediately fell in love with I had already met them prior, so no surprises here! (Yall know who you are hahaha) But it was our first time meeting and it was like we already knew each other from 25 years ago. We went from total strangers to great friends in about 5 seconds, and then it took two days to have heartfelt late night conversations crying in each other's arms lol. Anyway this whole paragraph is a love letter to Plant you are amazing and I love you. I can't believe that in two weeks we got to talking on a daily basis hahaha.

Anyway, we also met with @gaysontoast because we went to pick them at the airport and WOW what a tornado of bubbliness <3 They were absolutely wonderful to have as a roommate!! (and they sleep like the dead hahaha)

In the afternoon it was my first time meeting with @submariini and @ravensofskyhold as well! I'm scared that I will run out of available tag spaces like you can only tag 50 people per post lemme count a sec ok we're at 33 still good (but absolutely ridiculous that I got to meet 33 people from tumblr in the same week??? what happened to not meeting strangers from the internet lol) but anyway all lovely people!!

The day after, it was finally time for Suomipop!! In the morning we went to pick @punanenmarli from the train station! Plant and her got back to Plant's place walking hand in hand and it was the fucking cutest shit I had ever seen ;A;

We then met at suomipop for Bess! HOLY SHIT IS THAT WOMAN GORGEOUS??? HOW DARE SHE??? WHEN SHE EMPTIED THE WATER BOTTLE ON HER HEAD I JUST

anyway I was completely normal about this show. Hm. So normal. Even during the french part in Lähtee käsistä. So. Normal.

The others wanted to go see Kuumaa during the evening and I would have loved to as well, but it was raining, I was drenched and cold and miserable and instead just headed back to Plant's place where I was soooo normal about Bess.

On friday, it was my birthday, yippie!!! The clowns from kcord (NOT PEJORATIVE IT'S THEIR NAME OK) got me a card that they all signed and I loved it so much a a a a a a ;A;

We wanted front row for the Käärijä gig later in the evening, so we were there at doors and immediately went front row, which meant that we also got to listen to Viivi and Yö ! Tbh, I really liked Yö, I understand why they're a legendary band hahaha.

However, between the two shows, Plant came back to our group and told me that Jukka. Sorsa. Was. Hanging out. In the VIP section. Which we didn't have access to lol. So we ended up just watching him from afar, when I noticed that he and his friends were leaving the VIP section and crossing the festival area. I told it to Plant who asked me if I wanted to go see him but I was like naaaah I'm shy. So she asked if I wanted her to come with me and I immediately said yes HAHAHA. We went over his little group and when we arrived at about 10 feet from him we waved, and he immediately came to us to have a chat WHAT A MAN I LOVE HIM. I was so fucking awkward (leading to this great interaction… me: "I just wanted to say hi!" Jukka: "well… hi" AAAAAAA IT WAS SO AWKWARD LOL). He noticed the earrings I made out of the guitar plecs he gave me and reached for them sir excuse me do you want me dead hahaha. I didn't say much after that but we still got a picture together that Plant took for me ILYSM

I met with Kat, Lou and their friend just before the Käärijä show and it was amazing as usual. This man knows how to perform hahaha. WE ALSO HAD THIS WEIRD MID-SPEECH SHIT TALK??? JERE WH A T???

After Käärijä, we headed up towards the other stage to Kaija Koo. I was on my phone for I don't remember what, and Plant poked me to tell me "are you on your phone? how often in your life are you gonna see Kaija Koo live??" and she was so fucking right omg. I put my phone back in my pocket and it was absolutely great, got to hold hands with Plant while dancing, seriously amazing. One of my best birthdays ever if not THE best.

We had a meal at Hesburger after everything hahaha (I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS HESBURGER), and in the not quite night of Oulu, to me everything felt so, so right.

Saturday, I got to see Kat and Lou again for souvenir shopping! I GOT THE FUCKING BEST MAGNET IT SAYS PASKA MAGNEETTI AND I'M FUCKING CRYING NO ONE AT HOME WILL GET THE REFERENCE BUT I DO AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS LOL

I said bye to Kat after that but it's so ridiculous we live in the same country LOL I should visit Toronto at some point

At Suomipop, we got to see first Portion Boys and they were so full of energy what a show!!! Nothing can stop them, not the heat, not the wheelchair, NOTHING.

Smitten, Omega and I got to dip our feet in the water at the suomipop beach and it was so needed the sun was HOT that day. The fact that we weren't allowed more than our feet in the water was a tragedy though smh

After that, it was time to my beloved ARTTU WISKARI, I got into his stuff just before flying for Finland so I was delighted he was going to be at Suomipop!! Ed came with me to see him what a gentleman lol (seriously tho I really, really appreciate it!!)

Last suomipop show for me was Elastinen! While watching him I could only think that this was the most shark looking man I had ever seen HAHAHA.

After Elastinen, the group went to see Apulanta, while I went back to Plant's appartment to pack my suitcase, sadly.

On sunday, it was time to take the train again. Plant took me to the train station and we ended up crying so much hahaha I was a mess in the train. But if it hurt so much, it's because it was equally fun, and I can't wait to see her again.

I was headed to Tampere, then Turku! Skull escorted me to my Airbnb they're so lovely ;A; We talked together for about 6 hours lol before I had to leave to do some laundry. While my clothes were in the washing machine, we explored the k-market to find some Pirkka merch but it was all gone, so I just got a lovely @windows95man shirt hahaha. COME BACK TO TUMBLR TEEMU YOU BELONG WITH US

The day after I met with Skull again to buy some Posankka merch! Posankka…… my beloved…… the most beautiful pigduck of Finland <3 I got a reflector, in true finnish fashion hahaha. We then headed up to Luostarinmäki, an open air museum on finnish craftsmanship from the past. It was ridiculously interesting and we spent 3 hours where we only got to half of the museum LOL, we're nerds. Too bad…… I'll have to come back to Turku……… so sad

In the evening we watched TRAFIK and some more Powerwolf music videos, what a great evening holy shit

Interestingly enough, on tuesday I met up with… Skull again lol, they joined me in the park in the afternoon, we stayed here for 2 hours until we left to go to a student bar to get a lovely hot chocolate <3 It was absolutely delicious!

Wednesday, last day in Finland. I met up with, you have guessed, Skull again lmao. We headed to Vantaa (because I had a plane to take r i p).

Skull and I then headed to Arttu Wiskari's Allas gig. We were quite lucky as the rain had just stopped (btw Kallo I still have the rain poncho I stole from you lol it's in Canada now sorry).

We had so, so much fun. The gig was just really fun and light hearted, everyone knew the lyrics, and it was the best ending for an amazing trip. Nothing like dancing with your friend on good music!!

I hugged Skull and cried in the train. Familiar scene, lol. Me sobbing in trains in Finland. I love you so much Kallo.

There are no words left in my heart to express how loved I felt during these 17 days. I will be back. I promise. I can't bear to not go back when I left pieces of my soul with dear friends. Take care of them please, I'll be back to put some more of my soul in them. I love you. So very much. You made my life really bright for a short time, and knowing how good it can be to be alive I want to feel this again.

To all of you, who are my soulmates, my siblings, my loved ones, my beloved: thank you.

#käärijä #bison talks #long post #finland #suomi #sorry I'm such a sap hahaha #it took me like three hours to write this post lol

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chaosmisha · 1 month ago

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I made this poster for the op so I showed it to Misha and asked him if we could use it for the op. He took it and started reading the whole thing. I was fully prepared to just be in and out in 10 seconds because ops give me major heart palpitations, but he took his sweet time to study the poster.

Misha: This is amazing! I forgot about this!

I honest to god giggled 🤦🏻‍♀️

Misha: Was this for GISH?

Me: Uhm, no. I just made it for fun. (getting redder by the second)

Misha: Really? That’s so well done!

So we got the pic taken and I was ready to take the poster, grab my son and bolt but he went back to reading the poster.

In the meantime I was just standing there shuffling my feet awkwardly lol so I said: I made you one too. I will give you that one tomorrow cause that one is in better condition. But he kept reading and smiling and I think I said that I would give him one tomorrow at least two times. But when he still didn’t give it back I was like: uhmm uhhh uhmmmm you know what? Just uh keep this one and I'll.. keep.. the other one...?" And he was like *hand on chest* "are you sure? Thank you!"

Then when we left the photographer or someone from staff said "that is really good" and Misha said "it really is, isn't it?" So the next day we went for autographs. As soon as he saw the other copy, he went like: Ah! I remember this one!

So I said: heehe oh uhm yeah so this was the one I wanted to give you cause this one is in better condition 👉🏻 👈🏻

and then he was about to reply but then the handler shoved the hoodie under his nose and he looked at it and then up (that man should NOT BE ALLOWED to look at people from under his eyelashes okay? I almost fainted) and he asked: did you make this?

Me: Yes.. 👉🏻👈🏻 I painted it

Misha: WHAT THE FUCK!?

Me: 😮uhm..

Misha: Excuse my language.. but WHAT THE FUCK?

Me: oh eh heh

Misha: It's so good! That's amazing!

Me: Thank you 😳😳😳 I'm glad you think so

Misha: Wow it really is great!

And lemme tell you I was so red and sweating even my kid looked at me like 'are you okay?'

And then Misha looked at where to sign and signed next to Dean (probably because that was one of the lighter areas) and he looked up and winked and I probably blacked out cause i don't even remember walking away after that

#hccb24 #misha photo op #misha autograph

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sourbinnie · 1 year ago

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☆ silent ☆

♡ genre ¿? ♡ -> angsty angst ♡ pair ¿? ♡ -> maknae line!ateez x gn!reader ♡ plot ¿? ♡ -> malicious comments weren't gonna go unnoticed by your boyfriend even if he couldn't do anything about it. ♡ warnings ¿? ♡ -> swearing ♡ request ¿? ♡ -> yes!

a/n: second part of silent, hope you enjoy :] don't forget that i'm going on a trip so i'll see you all on sunday again !!!

-> the request | hyung line

-> the scenario

you didn't wanna attend at first but something about seeing your old friends made you give in. being there with your boyfriend also brought comfort to you and eased your nerves. anxiety couldn't help but kick in when you thought about seeing some of your old classmates and how they were doing right now. you've seen pictures all over instagram of them living their best lives and you were stuck in your job and trying your best to handle money wisely. your boyfriend didn't mind and your family was happy that you were where you were, so why did you have to doubt yourself?

well it was easy when you were surrounded with rich folks who didn't know anything but money and luxury. even after experiencing some of the stuff your boyfriend was used to, you couldn't get used to it but right now? yeah it was definitely too much and too show off for your liking. speaking of your boyfriend, he was there surrounded by people wanting to take photos with him, asking for autographs and wondering why he was here but nobody would kick him out because idols were sacred to them. you were thankful he would be supporting and cheering you on from a distance.

well if you knew what was coming, you would've never brought him along.

"didn't know this was a reunion for the lowest of low." one of your old classmates said laughing and looked at you up & down. he was scanning you with his stare and it made you feel so small but you tried to think nothing of it yet you knew exactly what was happening.

"yeah same man, i thought this was gonna be an exclusive thing. good to see you though (y/n)!" another one exclaimed as she laughed. what did they expect from a high school reunion? to invite only the privileged old students? well maybe it would've been a better idea.

"yeah good to see you." you said in a small voice, wanting nothing more than to leave with how you were being perceived. there was no doubt that your boyfriend was looking at you right at this moment. you wanted to leave, you were going to leave at any moment.

"hope you get a better job soon sweetie. since that dress/suit ain't looking too good." one added and you excused yourself as you left the scene. the tears threatening to spill at any moment as you tried to make sense of a direction to go to, far away from them.

san ✉

if yeosang was mad then san is the maddest of them all. he could not stand what just happened, it took everything in him not to run up to the guys who were messing with you. he stood there, like a statue as he watched you walk away and then he excused himself to find you. if someone found out about it, he didn't care, he needed to see you and comfort you right then and there. he would deal with the consequences when they showed up.

he found you, your face buried in your hands and a soft sob could be heard. he turned you around and hugged you, burying you in his arms and chest but you quickly broke off remembering someone could see you two.

"don't worry about that now love." he said but you shook your head as he sighed. he didn't want you to care about his idol image when you were feeling so down. then again he should be the one caring about that but he could not give a damn at that moment. "they're fucking stupid if they think like that and i'm sorry you had to go through that."

"sannie am i just different? am i just less than them?" you asked and it was his turn to shake his head. he couldn't believe that you were feeling this way and that you had believed their words in the end. it hurt him deeply that he was the cause of it somehow too because he should've been there defending you.

"you're so much more. if anything they're the ones missing out the amazing person that you are." he said looking at you then looking around one last time before kissing you. leaning in on a sweet kiss as he felt your lips moving against his and breaking away too soon. "god i wish i could go and show them you're the best person i've ever met." and even if you couldn't do that right now, you believed san word for word.

mingi ✉

did he hear that correctly? did someone just diss you like that? he was not having it. bumping into one of them on purpose as he walked to find you and not even saying "excuse me" because they did not deserve it (this is mingi's way of seeing fuck you). he didn't get mad often but this sparked something in him, it was probably because it had to do with you and someone making you feel bad. he pretended a bit more until he actually got tired and worried trying to find you but you were nowhere in sight.

he found you in the car when the event was over and wiping your tears away. if he didn't feel like he won the worst boyfriend contest before, he sure did now. who the hell lets their significant other cry all alone?

"baby i'm here now, it's okay." he said as he hugged you and made you sit on his lap. wrapping his arms around protectively and kissing your cheek to make you feel a bit better at least. "god i'm sorry, i feel like such an idiot for letting that happen."

"it's not your fault mingi, don't blame yourself. especially when we both knew this was gonna happen." you said as you laid your head on his shoulder and hoped that the pain would go away with his embrace.

"even if we did, it shouldn't have happened in the first place. listen babe, i hope you can see your friends again and have a good time because this was just out of hand and uncalled for." he said as he looked at you, the sight breaking him but at least he got to hold you now. he wasn't really good with words but his actions spoke louder than anyone did tonight and that brought the comfort you needed.

wooyoung ✉

he lived for teasing you but he knew when he was out of line. this was one of those moments where he knew that these were not your friends and they were the assholes you were afraid of encountering again. his gaze was on you the entire time even if it was kind of obvious, he wanted to make sure you were okay but when the situation was brought into the scene, he lost you in the crowd.

he was so mad about losing you that he left mid conversation, not caring about the other person talking. he felt terrible knowing he insisted you to come to this place and now knowing you went through this all alone. he just wanted to make sure that you were okay first.

"god finally i found you." he said when he did indeed find you after searching the whole place. you were shivering from the cold but like the gentleman he is (sometimes), he put his jacket around your shoulders. "baby you look incredible in every way, don't let these idiots tell you otherwise."

"i know i'm stupid for believing them but it's hard. i feel so humiliated." you said and it bruised him how you were speaking in such a low tone with those teary eyes.

"it wasn't okay and you know how i suck at comforting you when you're like this darling but i'm sorry. i'm sorry that you're feeling like this and that your stupid boyfriend couldn't do anything about it and i'm sorry you had to be the center of attention like that." he said as he put his arm around you, pulling you closer to him. you didn't say anything in return as you sighed and let yourself go with wooyoung, whispering sweet comfort words in your ear.

jongho ✉

he hated making a scene but he knew exactly where this was gonna go when your ex classmates approached you. he would kindly tell them to fuck off if he could but he remained in his spot as he watched you leave and watched them laugh. how old were they that they thought this high school shit was okay? he excused himself and in the crowd looked for you everywhere.

he was so frustrated and tired from the socializing that wouldn't stop even when he went looking for you. but eventually he found you at the entrance, luckily no one was around but he still felt so bad. his heart was heavy as he saw you, pretending that you were on your phone but wiping away the tears every now and again.

"lovely please don't believe them." he said which startled you but you knew that voice all too well as you turned around and saw him there. "you know they do that because they're unhappy with the life they have right?"

"well it doesn't show. how could they be unhappy when they have everything? i can barely afford my rent." you said as you bit your lip, not wanting to let the tears flow anymore but it was almost inevitable as you felt so stupid.

"they're never gonna know true happiness if they act like that." he said as he held your hand in his and looked at you. he had never seen you so defeated and sad, it crushed him. "but i know i found my true happiness with you and i hope you're able to forgive me for how i didn't act tonight." he muttered and you buried yourself in his embrace as he held and kissed your forehead.

#sourbinnie #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez reactions #ateez drabbles #atz #ateez #ateez imagine #ateez angst #ateez x reader #ateez x you #ateez x gn reader #wooyoung x reader #san x reader #jongho x reader #mingi x reader

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theunhingedcowboy · 4 months ago

Text

A List of things that happened at Collision and ROH taping from this weekend.

First of all getting to be in the environment that has been created at the e-sports from this residency is phenomenal and I hope that it will happen again in the future.

Getting seats four rows back from the ring and we were still so close (that will change I'll explain) and getting to go with both my dad and cousin was so much fun

FINALLY getting to see Darby wrestle in person was amazing

The bull rope match was fucking brutal and the TV broadcast did not do it justice the crowd was so fucking over for Rosa it was awesome

So right in front of us about 30 minutes into the show there was a row of 8 seats that were empty right at the barricade and no one had shown up. So my cousin may have taken initiative and got up to the seats and by the Rush and Vance match we were all up front and no one said anything

My cousin saying to Turbo of the Outrunners that "he was like Hogan without the racism and an actual 10 incher" which Turbo totally popped for

Rush and Vance match was so much fun. Getting on tv for most of that match and me cackling like a psychopath made it loud and clear on the broadcast

Me screaming like a lunatic during swerves's match and afterward the cameraman came over to film me (thank God that didn't make the broadcast)

Swerve v Ishii was so fucking awesome

Heart eyes at Stat

Me handing my dad $10 when Christian walked out in the turtleneck ref sweater

Getting to see HoB so close was so fucking awesome

Juice being the chaos junkie that he is

Shayna talking shit to my cousin and then blowing him a kiss after beating up BBG and HOB

Flipping off the patriarchy

RoH Taping

Having beef with the premier athletes

Abadon, my beloved

Getting to see Sammy wrestle was also a lot of fun

Mina, my beloved

ROCKY

Toa mean mugging me when I did the claw for the von erichs

My cousin cheered on Cage of Agony only to accidentally drop his phone over the barricade and Cage to look at him and call him an idiot even though he wanted Cage to win

My cousin continues his years long beef with Matt Taven and Taven shouting at him "you don't have a wiener"

The Von Erichs and Sammy came over to sign my little autograph book, Sammy was so nice and it was so nice to see the Von Erichs again since I met them last year

This was the next day continuing ROH tapings

Tony coming out to say that someone wanted to say hi to the kids and me fully believing that it was gonna be Mortos until Hologram came out

I love Lance Archer. The guy in front of us had a bunch of signs and one of them saying "The murderhawk just needs a hug" and Lance coming over like he was going to give a hug only to rip up the sign

Watching Ari get beat up by Ishii made my day

Cheering so loud for Rocky Romero and him noticing me and giving me a wink (can confirm I am dead)

8 man tag match between Sammy, Dustin, and the Von Erichs v Dark Order and Undisputed Kingdom, once again keeping up the beef and telling the dark order they can do so much better than undisputed kingdom

When Harley Cameron came out and I told my dad to "get his girl"

Queen Aminata is one of the best female wrestlers right now I genuinely love her so much she is so cool

The Righteous reminding me in person that Vincent looks almost exactly like a friend of mine but with dreads

Taya v Mina was fun

Watching the Premiere Athletes at least 8 times over the course of 48 hours and continuing to make sure that we have beef

Also after the match my cousin and I were booing Tony Neese and he tried to get security to kick us out and my cousin blew Tony a kiss

ATHENA

Getting to see Briscoe wrestle this close was so cool and Mortos is so fucking over I love it.

And that concludes my weekend I will make another post like this next week cause I am going back to collision for the final show. This was the most fun I have had all year and something that I really hope AEW does again in the future

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egg-emperor · 4 months ago

Note

Whenever you play Sonic Forces and you're the avatar, do you ever think "screw you Sonic, I need to be with my beloved, Eggman!"? Haha.

Wanted to send positive vibes after hearing your hardships 💙

ALL THE TIME from the moment the Eggman Empire VS The Resistance was revealed to be a thing I was like aww man why can't I join the Empire instead? I don't wanna fight him, everyone knows I'm the very last person who could ever "resist" Eggman in any sense of the word lol he's absolutely irresistible

The avatar isn't accurate to me at all for that so when I play with one based on myself, it feels so wrong. If I was dragged into the Resistance, I'd encounter Eggman and immediately want to jump in the Egg Mobile into his arms and say take me with yooou you deserve the world because you're so handsome and sexy fjsbgksbgksgks

I mean god LOOK at him

I know he's a terrible evil terrorizing tyrannical asshole doing all the wrong things and getting thousands of people killed and the world would be awful under his control but he's so GORGEOUS Idc. I'd immediately fold in this situation all morals would go out the window and I'd want him to get everything he wants lol 😍

It would've been fun if Eggman visibly directly interacted with the avatar on screen in the cutscenes so I could get good moments and screenshots of us together but instead he hardly acknowledges or even looks at the avatar most of the time, all his focus is on Sonic and co in scenes where they show up with him XD

But I can imagine if he had a direct one on one interaction in a scene, it would've been along the lines of the ones he has with you as the player in other games. So I mean it is very fitting that he barely acknowledged them in Forces, with his "umm who're you? :\ if you want my autograph wait until I epically win this tournament, now shoo"

and "who the heck are you don't talk to me" attitude

^ I WOULD NOT FUCKING THINK THAT!!!

Edit for accuracy:

That's more like it

I'm just an insignificant civilian 🤩 I'd go weak in the knees as he degrades and belittles me like this, so casually too because he's just that confident and firm in his superiority over me and that's so sexy. But I'll happily become a member of the Eggman Empire and actually become something more useful in serving him if he'll have me hehe

He's so rude and condescending, looking down on and degrading strangers because they're nothing compared to his greatness and unworthy of his superior presence! It perfectly captures his egotism, rudeness, arrogance, and feelings of superiority. He'd be a rude asshole to me like this and I'd be like ohhh he's so dreamy and swoon 🥰💘

And to remedy the scenes where the avatar in Forces is OOC for me when it's the one that I made to be myself, I sometimes imagine him as an uncover spy serving the Empire and reporting back secretly, then betraying The Resistance when the work is done heh Though the Eggman bodysuit and shoes I give to my avatar would already make that pretty obvious XD

(Thank you I appreciate it 💜)

#dr eggman #eggman #dr robotnik #dr. eggman #asks #self ship #self shipping #self ship community #self shipping community #f/o #villain f/o #sonic forces #the murder of sonic the hedgehog #my post

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changingplumbob · 5 months ago

Text

Villareal: Chapter 6, Part 12

Can we mend the bond between Max and Miriam?

More importantly can I get these indoor water features to work?

For ease of reading if the toddlers are trying to say real words I'll put the English in brackets. Luna (mummy) and Devin (mama) use some German and Italian. Amore (Italian) Love Arrivederci (Italian) Goodbye Bambino/s (Italian) Male child/children Buongiorno (Italian) Good morning Caro (Italian) Dear Ciao (Italian) Hello/Bye Grazie (Italian) Thank you Piccolo (Italian) Little one Schatz (German) Treasure Zia/Zio (Italian) Aunt/Uncle

Devin: *hums to self*

Alfred: Mama! Bon gee no (Buongiorno), what you doing Mama

Devin: Waiting for my bambinos to wake up

Alfred: I early riser

Devin: I know. Do you want your bath first while we wait for your brother to wake up

Alfred: Yes please Mama

While he doesn’t have the loving water quirk like his brother Alfred still enjoys a good splash about in the tub.

Rilian: MAMA! Mama I want bath please. Why Alfred bath

Devin: You were sleeping caro, give Mama a second then you can climb in

PHONE RINGS

Devin: Ciao, Devin Villareal here. Oh hey De! No it’s just a chill day, feel free to come around. Arrivederci

Alfred: Zia De?

Devin: Zia Deanna is going to come by and see us, how lucky are we. I think we best be in the gym this morning

Rilian: I can walk

Alfred: I race

Devin: Alright, let me get these dishes and I’ll see you there

The toddler take off down the long hallways, bobbling along with Alfred in the lead. Deanna lets herself in and passes the waddlers, giving them a brief squeeze as they complain about being in a race.

Deanna: Wanna spar? We’ve seen ma do it enough

Devin: Three more reps then I’m on it

In the background Rilian and Alfred play with some of the more active toys.

Deanna: Why do you pull faces when we spar

Devin: I have to practice my battle face for ZBB. Met any cute girls yet

Deanna: *sighs* Not yet. Tamika’s idea of going to a singles night is sounding more and more appealing though

Devin: Just don’t say you’re my sister or they’ll want to date me instead

Deanna: *laughs* More like they’ll get my number just to collect an autograph long term

Devin: Like I’d give them an autograph if they’re stringing you along. And…. End scene!

Deanna: *laughs* I guess that’s actor for “end spar”

Devin: Grazi for coming by. Give my love to ma and pa... and Emisia or she’ll feel left out

Following early lunch and naps the twins have convinced Devin they should watch Melodies of the City again. With each rewatch they get closer to remembering the words to the songs, not that not knowing ever stops their sing along.

Rilian: *blows kiss* Mama a screen star

Devin: *laughs* Grazie piccolo

Rilian: Next time we watch, hope Mama has red dress

Alfred: Me to!

Devin: Bambino’s, that’s not quite how it works. Mama had a yellow dress when she was filming so every time we watch Mama will have a yellow dress

Rilian: *sadly* Why?

Alfred: *sadly* Does Mama not like red?

Before Devin can figure out how to respond she’s saved by the bell, Luna has arrived home.

Alfred: Mummy! I love Mummy! Hug?

Luna: Oh course. Mummy missed you. And Mummy missed you

Rilian: *laughs* Snuggles with Mummy

Luna: Did we have a good day

Alfred: Yes. Zia De came and we play

Rilian: After nap we watch Mama sing on screen

The boys are soon distracted by some kids show and Luna takes the opportunity to pull Devin into her arms.

Luna: *kisses* I missed you today to

Devin: *giggles* Same here

Luna: So I’ve had an idea. Since we didn’t see Miriam at brunch I’ve invited her and Max for dinner

Devin: That’s a great idea! Although I don’t know that our house screams romantic atmosphere

Luna: I thought we could try Del Sol eatery again, maybe they just need a nice romantic dinner to get back on track

Devin: You have such a good heart amore mio

Luna: So do you schatz. Do you think Joey will be able to watch the twins on short notice

Devin: I think so, he doesn’t normally go... fishing on weekdays

Rilian: Zio Joey fish?

Alfred: He never show us fish

Rilian: We ask Zio Joey to see fish

Alfred: YES

Max: This is a swanky place, wonder if I could nick that guys wallet

Luna: Max, behave! This is meant to be a nice relaxing dinner for you and Miriam

Max: If you say so. Don’t be surprised that she looks different though. Rocked back in with a new do and wardrobe

Luna: Different? Wait-back?

Max: I don’t know, she said something about wanting to look edgy, I wasn’t really listening

Luna: *sighs* Max, step number one is listen when your wife is talking

Max: I thought step number one was… you know… in bed

Luna: Apologising in clothes can be more important than apologising in bed you know

Bonnie: *in monotone* Welcome to Del Sol Eatery, the best little gem in the valley

Devin: Yes hi, me again. Reservation for four under Villareal

Bonnie: *monotone continues* We offer our customers a range of dining experiences-

Devin: Not to be rude but we have heard your speech, know where the exits are and will continue to tip generously. Can you pretty please skip to the part where you show us our table?

Bonnie: *scoffs*

Devin worries she’s overstepped for a minute. It’s not as if she told her to get charisma lessons though, just to show them to a table. After an extra-long sigh Bonnie points to a table and Devin goes to grab it before the speech can start again.

Devin: Wow… that’s a nice dress

Miriam: Thanks! I’m trying to go more gothic to bind with Max more

Devin: That’s… cute, but remember even if you’re in a relationship you still have to be yourself

Miriam: I just don’t think pastels were the right way to gel with him, too bright

Devin: How are you and Max? We missed you at brunch

Miriam: Yes I- I’m back for now at least. Oh here they come. Honey pie, we’re over here!

Max: Yes sugar, my eyes do work

Luna: I grabbed a placemat!

Luna: I just realised you’ve never told me how you two met

Max: Oh look, a waiter, let’s order

The group peruses the menu and eventually settles on something to order. Again the conversation shifts back to romance.

Devin: Oh me and Lu met in high school

Max: Not this story again

Luna: Then tell us your story to pass the time. How did you meet? Who said I love you first

Max: Luna you know I’m not a sap

Luna: It’s not about being a sap, it’s about being able to say nice things about your partner

Max: Fine. Miriam, you have nice boobs

Miriam: And you have a nice butt

Max: There, compliments done

Devin: Oh come on, I’m sure there’s more you like about each other

Max: Yeah Miriam, I’m sure there was a reason you came back that wasn’t another fake pregnancy or more money

Luna: *fake laughter* Such a unique sense of humour my brother has

Miriam: Why yes Max. I came back because I figured you needed someone to sleep with you

Devin: *quickly* What do you think about these pools? Didn’t the watcher fix things up in here? And I see no one in swimwear

Max: Swimwear?

Luna: Let us tell you all about it

Eventually the food arrives and the talk can move to a more neutral territory. The tension never completely disappears but Max and Miriam stop taking bites out of each other and tuck into the food. Luna is worried about her brother and wonders if he’s keeping his hurt hidden or if he really thinks so little of Miriam now. When she and Devin meet each other’s eyes over the table she can feel her wife’s love without any words. She wants that for Max, even if he can be prickly as a hedgehog.

Miriam: Thank you for treating us Luna, it was good to get out

Luna: You’re welcome but this one will technically be from Devin’s paycheck

Fan: OMG Devin Villareal! Can I have an autograph

Devin: I’m sorry, I’m actually eating with my family right now. But if you want to shoot a quick video…

Luna: Uh oh

Devin: That’s right, serenade time!

Devin bursts into song and Luna beams proudly. She used to get flustered when Devin would break into song in front of strangers but as her wife has gotten more famous she’s found it reassuring. Max may be having trouble, but her marriage gives her nothing but joy.

Previous ... Next

#sims 4 #the sims #the sims 4 #simblr #ts4 #my sims #ChangingPlumbobStorytime #R0906 #DevinVillareal #AlfredVillareal #RilianVillareal #DeannaYork #LunaVillareal #Active Simblr

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misslavenderlady · 1 year ago

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MONSTER MANIA CON POST!!

This weekend was an absolute dream come true! Everything I had hoped and dreamed for my very first convention. And I'm incredibly grateful that I got to be there with @ghoulgeousimmaculate @bloodsuckingfiends & @silvermaplealder (and his friend Jess). Everyone was so kind and fun to be around. I'll give the rundown of who I met in this post and I'll add another post later on with more pictures!

💜💜💜

The first day Ghoulie and I checked in early and got all dolled up to meet Alex Winter first. I got both an autograph and a photo op with him. He seemed a little tired/out of it and I assume that's because he JUST got back from the U.K. and went straight to the convention. His photo op was super quick and I was only able to pose next to him, not with him.

But still, he was super cool and was very happy when I told him how I introduced my fiancé to the Bill & Ted trilogy. I also showed him an art commission I requested of Ricky Coogan! He was a nice dude overall 😄

The second day Maple and I dressed up as David and Michael! I even got the honor of doing his makeup to make the cosplay extra authentic. He gave me some of his amazing, homemade stickers as a "thank you"! He was hands down the best looking David cosplayer in the whole convention.

I got to get an autograph from Heather Langenkamp before doing a selfie with her. I was the last one to see her before she left for photo ops. She was an absolute delight! I talked about listening to her episode on the Dead Meat podcast and we had a bonding moment over that. When I posed with her, I did a peace sign and she copied the pose.

Then she said "that's such a coincidence because I wear THIS every day!" and she pulled out a necklace with a peace sign charm. She was just so delightful 😊

Billy was an absolute dream. He has the most warm, caring look in his eyes and was very interested when I talked about how The Lost Boys got me back into writing. I was getting a little emotional, and I could tell he was on standby if I needed some help.

I had a photo op with him later, but I paid an extra $10 for a selfie with him. My hand was trembling from my nervousness and he was kind enough to hold it steady so I could take the picture. He made sure I was comfortable the whole time I interacted with him. 🥰

Also, I picked out a picture of Paul and Dwayne to be signed as a way to honor Brooke. When Billy saw it he said "awww I love this pic! 🥺" I was fighting tears ngl.

Kiefer was an incredible guy!! I decided just to do a photo op and not an autograph because people were lining up at 3 IN THE DAMN MORNING and I wasn't about to do that lol. He loved the outfits that Ghoulie and Maple wore, and it was such a delight seeing his smile. He was so kind with me. Very welcoming and didn't hesitate to shake my hand or wrap an arm around me for our picture! I think he was still is a great mood after seeing Maples perfect cosplay lol

The last celeb I met was Jason, and I gotta say, I think he was my favorite. Jordyn wasn't exaggerating when she said he was so nice. He was by far the kindest person I met at the whole convention (and that's saying something considering everyone was a delight to meet). I felt like he truly cared about meeting every single fan and was genuinely listening with interest when I told him the story of how @michael-after-hours got his name from Michael Emerson.

When I tell you his face LIT UP when he saw my cosplay. He was so overjoyed and it made me even happier to be dressed as Michael. The joyful energy was just so infectious. 🥰

I'm so incredibly lucky to have met all of these wonderful icons in horror. They truly did care about their fans and made the whole experience extra special. I would do it all again in a heartbeat if I could.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

TAG LIST

@hypocriticaltypwriter @ria-coolgirl @fallingthruspace @silvermaplealder @britany1997 @leiasolo77 @starlahuskyz @vampirefilmlover @charlizekkelly @charlottieellis @ghoulgeousimmaculate @michael-after-hours @legal-lost-boy @unethicallysourced @auntvamp

#lavender lady rambles #monster mania con #the lost boys #tlb #kiefer sutherland #jason patric #alex winter #billy wirth #heather langenkamp

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allmoshnobrain · 10 months ago

Text

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐫

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

part 30 of 35 | masterpost

word count: 2563 | ao3 link | fic's playlist

Would being close to him still hurt if I weren't in mourning for everything I had lost? Would it still burn if there were no obstacles between us, no moral and painful restrictions preventing me from allowing myself to get lost in his embrace, his kisses, his touch? Did he know that I loved him, with a certainty as vast and bright as the sun? Did I want to make sure he did?

✦ on this chapter: dave mustaine x female!oc, james hetfield x female! oc, oc is cliff's cousin, +18, language, slice of life, angst, love triangle

✦ a/n: hi, guys! just wanted to let everyone know that as promised, I'll start posting these last few parts twice a week - on Mondays and then on Thursdays or Fridays, depending on how much free time I have. Hope you enjoy this one, feedback is welcome! 🖤

✧ you can blame it on the stars, you can tell it to the moon / baby, I used to be good but I went bad for you / you can try and escape me but I came for you ✧

"Thanks, Amsterdam! You guys rocked!" James shouted, a massive grin plastered on his face, eyes lit up with sheer excitement as the pumped-up crowd went wild with applause.

I couldn't help but crack a smile at the scene – James, Lars, Kirk, and Cliff showing their appreciation in those closing moments of the gig. It hit me then; I had missed this, the thrill, the carefree laughs, that electric buzz running through me. Snagging another beer from the cooler stashed at the stage corner, I trailed backstage, tagging along with Leanne and Pat.

Pretty soon, the guys sauntered in, all laughter and loud banter. Cliff led the charge into the dressing room, a damp towel draped around his shoulders and a joint already fired up. He shot us a grin before chiming in:

"Not too shabby for our first gig away from home, huh?"

"You guys killed it, as usual." Leanne beamed, striding over. She wrapped her arms around Cliff's neck, going up on tiptoes to plant a kiss on him. He chuckled, giving her a tight squeeze, and I couldn't help but smile at the sweet scene.

"We kicked ass!" Lars cheered, grinning from ear to ear. He whipped out a bottle of vodka from the mystery depths of wherever and began pouring shots. "Now, it's drinkin' time, and we're gonna soak in some Venom. Fucking Venom, man!"

"Think they'll autograph my guitar?" Kirk joked, laughing, as he swiftly downed his vodka shot. I chuckled, genuinely pumped, and joined in, pouring myself a shot of vodka. I glanced up when I sensed a weight on my shoulders – there was James, slinging an arm around me before snagging a vodka glass for himself.

"You're all sweaty," I scrunched up my face, and he just laughed, knocking back his vodka shot in one go.

"Wanna hop in the shower with me?" he teased in a husky chuckle, giving my cheek a quick kiss before sauntering off to join Pat. I stood there, dumbfounded, my face burning as I touched the spot on my cheek still tingling from his lips.

The guys headed for a shower break while the stage got prepped for the night's main event. Leanne joined Cliff in the shower, but Pat and I hung back in the dressing room. We polished off the vodka bottle while I enjoyed a smoke, chatting quietly.

"So, how's the tour life treating you?" I tossed out, more to fill the quiet air than anything else. Ever since I had ditched my gig at the record store after splitting with Dave, Pat and I hadn't talked at all. Now, seeing her all cozy with James felt a bit off. I couldn't shake off Leanne's words, about Pat maybe digging the idea of James more than the real deal of who he was.

"Oh, it's been fucking amazing!" she beamed, eyes gleaming as she popped open another beer. Her slightly rosy cheeks betrayed how intoxicated she was. "James has been dragging me to all sorts of gigs since we started dating. Bummer you've been missing out lately."

"Well, I'm here now," I flashed a smile, attempting to mask my unease. Thankfully, I wasn't stuck in the conversation for too long; a quick guitar chord played, signaling that Venom’s gig was kicking off. I rose with a smile that might've been just a bit forced. "The show's starting. Want to catch it?"

"I'll wait for James," she smiled, and I gave a nod before ducking out of the dressing room.

I hadn't taken more than a few steps down the corridor when I collided with James, heading the other way, shirtless, and holding yet another half-full bottle of vodka. A surprised sound escaped me as he snagged me by the waist, pulling me in with a grin the moment he spotted me.

"Hey, sweetheart. I was waitin' for you in the shower, you know?" he whispered in my ear, followed by a low chuckle. I knitted my brows, fighting off the way his voice sent my heart racing, and gave him a shove.

"James, are you out of your mind?" I grumbled, and he laughed, releasing me. "You fucking drunkard."

He just stuck out his tongue, taking another swig from the vodka bottle before strolling back toward the dressing room. I debated whether to trail after him, to coax him into some water to sober up, but then it hit me that Pat was still there, waiting. Suddenly, the buzz and beats from the stage sounded way more inviting; last thing I needed was to be alone in a room with Pat, James, and no one else.

The show was insane, just like I’d expected. Venom's tunes were fast and intense, and the hype from my friends definitely drowned out any worries I might've had. I couldn't give two cents that neither James nor Pat bothered to show up for the gig; right then, nothing and no one could ruin my mood.

There wasn't much time for a post-Venom celebration; in a flash, the gear was packed, and the producer corralled us onto the bus for the next city. As a last-ditch effort, we all got handed water to help shake off the buzz. It did the trick better for some than others; Cliff and Leanne seemed pretty chill, but I was starting to feel a bit queasy, and Lars and Kirk were cackling like a couple of goofballs, while James showed up being practically carried by one of the roadies. Pat stormed past the chaos, looking royally pissed, and hopped on the bus without saying a word to anyone. I ambled over, curious.

"Hey, what happened?" I inquired, but that just triggered another round of laughter from Lars and Kirk. I turned my gaze to James, who was seated on the sidewalk, sipping water with a seriously annoyed look on his face. "Everything alright?"

"You have no idea," Lars managed to say, trying to catch his breath between laughs. "James, spill it."

I shifted my focus to James, now intrigued. He glanced up at me and then shrugged with a grunt.

"Pat wanted to fuck… And I puked on her."

"You did what? " I exclaimed, incredulous, while Kirk and Lars cracked up even louder. James scowled, clearly annoyed by their reaction, but truth be told, I couldn't blame them. I was trying to stifle my own laughter, a goofy grin stubbornly plastered on my face. Instead of joining in the laughter, I handed him the water bottle I got after the show, still half full. "Here. Drink more water."

"What about you?" he asked, taking my bottle. I shrugged.

"Hey, I wasn’t the one who puked on someone today, right? Trust me, you need it more than I do."

After that, we didn't waste much time getting on the bus – nothing fancy, just your regular travel bus with reclining seats that doubled as our beds for the night. The crew stashed the gear in the cargo area, and we all picked our spots; the tech crew grabbed the front seats, Cliff and Leanne chose a spot towards the middle.

Pat claimed a seat upfront, away from James, who settled in with Lars and Kirk. It seemed she was still nursing some feelings about the dressing room incident, but at least she managed to shower and change before hopping on. I found a spot further back, alone, close to the mini-fridge for easy access to some water. It felt good to have a little alone time, even if it was just for some shut-eye; despite the fatigue, it seemed like it was gonna be a pretty long night.

I spent the first few hours of the trip soaking in the view from the window. At first, it was the city lights casting a glow as we cruised through the streets. As we hit the open road, it transitioned into an abyss of darkness.

I sensed his presence even before seeing him; I felt his gaze on me, and I lifted my eyes as he settled into the seat next to mine.

"James," I murmured, my weary voice signaling that I'd probably have dozed off any moment if he hadn't dropped by. "Feeling any better?"

"Took a power nap, so I think so," he grumbled.

"Did you brush your teeth? 'Cause tomorrow morning's gonna taste gross if you don't."

"Of course, silly," he chuckled softly, then took my hand in his.

I knew I probably shouldn't encourage him, but I didn't pull it away. His hand felt big and warm, and I found comfort in his touch more than I was willing to admit. His thumb gently stroked the back of my hand.

"You shouldn't do this," I muttered, and he let out a huff.

"I'm just holding your hand. Can't I even do that?"

I sighed. Exhaustion weighed on me. All I really wanted was to surrender, rest my head on his chest, and let him hold me until morning. But I couldn't, could I? Not when he had a girlfriend. Not when the specter of my past love for Dave haunted me every moment of my days, my nights, my life.

"I'm gonna break up with Pat," he declared, and I looked up, feeling my heart race. A surge of conflicting emotions hit me; hearing that made me happy, and that scared me the most.

"Why?" was all I could whisper. He sighed.

"I can't keep this up, Nore. She's a cool girl, but I don’t like her that way. Not the way I like you,” he murmured, and my heart fluttered at the vulnerability in his voice. "I don't want to be a jerk, I don't want to be with someone I'm not in love with. I'm gonna end it with her, and then..." his gaze, almost pleading, locked onto mine. "All I want is you. But if you don't want me..."

I reached my hand to his face. How could he not be sure that I wanted him when I could barely keep myself away from him? Even with my heart hurting, I could hardly divert my eyes from his gaze. If he wished, he could make me forget how to breathe. Despite his clear feelings for me lingering for so long, knowing that I could have even a fraction of this power over him felt too good to be true.

Did I want to make sure he did?

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was my exhaustion, maybe it was the longing I felt to be loved, to be cared for, to be protected. Or maybe it was simply love that made me bring James’ face close to mine. His hands found my waist and lifted my body so that I sat on his lap, while my arms wrapped around his neck and my lips met his. I sighed, my tongue tracing slowly along the outline of his lower lip before venturing into his mouth, one of his hands securing the small of my back while the other got a good grip on my thigh.

I let my fingers tangle in his hair, pulling his face closer, my body pressed against his with a need that startled me; I had never allowed myself to contemplate the vastness of my feelings, of my desire for James until now. But surrendering to it felt like freedom, opening up a gap as wide as the ocean that could only be filled by him.

His lips danced against mine, his hand gripping my face as he planted small bites on my lower lip. He shifted to my neck, exploring it slowly, leaving small bites and kisses that made me tilt my head back. My eyes closed, and a low, breathy moan escaped me.

"Hush, babe," he said in a breathless half-laugh, his lips coming back to mine. I let out a low whimper, lost in the discovery of the greatness of my desire, but James just caressed my face slowly, cradling it in his hands before giving me a tender kiss on the lips. ”Tomorrow. I'll talk to her tomorrow. And I don't want to wait a moment longer after that to have you,” he kissed me again, our tongues moving slowly together before he pulled away with a smile, “Can you be a good girl until then?”

“Shut up, James,” I whispered, and he chuckled softly.

That night, I allowed myself to rest from my pain. And I allowed myself to truly appreciate, for the first time in what felt like forever, desire, longing, love.

The hope of a promise.

The memory of his lips on mine.