#i'd seen 'this is the thanks i get' before and a breakdown of why it kinda flops as a disney villain song but

[kradogsrats]

Thoughts…?? "I’m a Star" from Wish, but with Aaravos…??

I dunno… some kind of crack idea…

okay I want to give this thought the genuine attention it deserves but I had actually managed to never hear/see that song because I've successfully avoided basically all clips, commentary, and opinions on Wish, so I had to go watch the song

and now all I can think is good lord that is awful in ways I can't even begin to articulate

maybe it's what Aaravos whispers in your ear to break your willpower

[astonmartinii]

loving on a sunday | lando norris social media au

pairing: lando norris x reader

y/n and lando, the grid and an honest attempt at a sunday roast

masterlist if you want to leave a tip x

yourusername

liked by landonorris, maxverstappen1 and 601,239 others

yourusername: warning !! do not own a nice country house and farm because you will get lumped with the annual post season grid dinner, SEB PLEASE COME BACK I CAN"T TAKE THIS RESPONSIBILITY @landonorris what are you going to do when they find out you can't cook?

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user1: learning that lando can't cook is the least surprising thing in the entire world

user2: i'm sorry post season grid dinner? brb just going to cry my eyes out why haven't we heard of this before

user3: for my mental health i need photographic evidence asap

landonorris: way to bait me out in front of the whole world, thanks babe

yourusername: i'm sorry but if this crashes and burns i need people to know that it was your fault (because it defo would be)

landonorris: where is the faith? you back me to win every race but won't back me to make some roast potatoes :(

yourusername: babe when i was sick you burnt the soup so bad we had to throw the pan out

landonorris: I TRIED I WAS STRESSED YOU WERE SICK

yourusername: awwww babe, but it was le crueset and literally cost more than my life

sebastianvettel: it's been an honour to host it but i know you and lando will do great, send me all the photos !

yourusername: thank you seb, please come visit the farm at some point xx

landonorris: see i knew seb would have faith in me thanks mate

user4: lando's gf being a farm girl makes so much sense but also no sense what so ever

yourusername: tis the south west babe it's either banksy or farmers and nothing in between

landonorris

liked by maxfewtrell, yourusername and 1,023,677 others

tagged: yourusername

landonorris: should be peeling potatoes right now she's too pretty

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user10: oh to be a kitty cat being cuddled by y/n

yourusername: you're such a smooth talker babe but those potatoes won't peel themselves

landonorris: my years of being teammates with carlos has come in clutch

yourusername: you still suck at flirting i just love you so i still swoon, any other person would probably laugh in your face

landonorris: gonna ignore the insult and focus on the fact that you love me

user11: i swear every time i see y/n she's with another animal i've never seen before

yourusername: my farm is a safe haven for any animal, if they find themselves there they'll leave with a full tummy and a good load of cuddles

maxverstappen1: if lando is on potato duty does this mean we won't get them? they're my favourite part of a roast y/n PLEASE STEP IN

landonorris: oh wow i see how it is

maxverstappen1: i'm dutch i'm so serious about my potatoes

landonorris: i also don't fuck around about roast potatoes HAVE FAITH

user12: can we start a petition for lando to stream this? like at least the cooking portion

yourusername: watching my nervous breakdown live would not be ethical

landonorris: it's true she threw a carrot at my head the first time she cooked for my family

oscarpiastri

liked by landonorris, estebanocon and 590,455 others

tagged: yourusername, landonorris

oscarpiastri: officially a farm boy for the week (also known as third wheeling for seven days)

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user15: omg oscar went early? my mclaren heart is so full

yourusername: so so happy to have you here osc!! though you're not any more trustworthy in the kitchen

oscarpiastri: i'd defend myself but we've all seen me fail to boil an egg

yourusername: you tried your best !! but you've mastered the english tea which is a massive asset

oscarpiastri: i think i'd lose my seat if i couldn't make a cup of tea

user16: obsessed with y/n dragging everyone for being menaces in the kitchen

user17: love how oscar was like: post lando? no. post ducks? yes.

landonorris: mate you asked to come early don't complain about third wheeling now

oscarpiastri: i know i asked to come early but if y'all could lay off the soft porn for two seconds would be appreciated

landonorris: don't pretend you don't enjoy it mate ;)

yourusername: lando don't be mean :(

landonorris: i'm sorry oscar, i'm sure you don't enjoy watching us be happy

oscarpiastri: thanks i guess?

charles_leclerc

liked by yourusername, landonorris and 1,034,560 others

charles_leclerc: sad to announce i've been banned from the kitchen:( even banned from making drinks as well

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user18: this is defo the banning i agree with, we all saw the vlog with the pesto pasta

user19: tbf i've come to the conclusion the one person y/n would let into the kitchen is seb

yourusername: you're not wrong

user20: i need a chick in my dungarees right now

yourusername: why are you complaining about a free pass to sit on the couch and have someone else cook for you?

charles_leclerc: well when you put it like that ....

landonorris: let me revoke all of my previous complaints

yourusername: you know i like to treat you baby

charles_leclerc: why thank you y/n but that's an inappropriate thing to say while in a relationship

yourusername: it was in reply to lando's comment charles 😭

landonorris: guy forgot he could read for a second

charles_leclerc: MY BAD

user21: i know charles didn't come to a farm in all white

yourusername: i regret to inform you he did (it's all designer as well)

yourusername

liked by oscarpiastri, landonorris and 702,340 others

tagged: landonorris

yourusername: sunday roasts are my love language, so happy to host the grid dinner with the love of my life

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user23: at first i thought she was being a bit too serious about this but that roast looks like it BANGS

user24: legit i need one asap

georgerussell63: carmen wants the recipe please and thank you

yourusername: bring her to the farm next time we're free and i'll teach her in person

carmenmundt: thank you darling

yourusername: anything for you

landonorris: ummm what about the guy you called the love of your life in the caption?

yourusername: i love you but i've tried to teach you to cook way too many times

user25: i'm sorry lando is so sexy

user26: forget lando, every pic i've seen of this house is the sexiest thing in the world

carlossainz55: thank you for hosting y/n and lando!! i had a great time see you on new years

yourusername: no worries chilli

maxverstappen1: the roast was the best thing i've ever eaten, i'll only dock points because i had to top and tail with daniel

yourusername: i didn't see you complain when i walked in on you guys cuddling

danielricciardo: you told me you loved it :(

maxverstappen1: i did !!! i enjoyed all of it, especially the roast though

landonorris: second to a roast @danielricciardo that's tough

landonorris

liked by alexalbon, yourusername and 1,208,943 others

tagged: yourusername

landonorris: so honoured to host the grid dinner and take over from such an inspiration in seb!! but mostly thanks to y/n for hosting at her farm and putting together an amazing dinner and weekend - also thanks for not killing the grid, i defo would have

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user27: i would've given a kidney to be there for real

lewishamilton: thank you for having us and for the sick nut roast

yourusername: we love you and roscoe !! and vegans are always welcome on my farm

user28: ROSCOE WENT?

yukitsunoda0511: thank you y/n i no longer think that english food is an abomination

yourusername: wow thank you yuki, i knew it would be hard when your only exposure was ... milton keynes

landonorris: wow my girlfriend is a miracle worker, and you're welcome yuki san we loved having you

user29: watching lando go from rookie to hosting the grid dinner, i'm soft

oscarpiastri: i love it here i'm sorry you're not getting rid of me

yourusername: no worries osc, you can stay as long as you want

landonorris: no complaining about third wheeling though, you're basically our child now

user30: experienced racer and rookie teammate friendships are so special to ME

danielricciardo: glad i managed to get my seat back just for this roast tbf

landonorris: not cause you missed me?

danielricciardo: eh i guess so

yourusername: just let me know when you're in england and you can come over for another

[keerysfreckles]

breaking the silence — steve harrington

pairing: steve harrington x nurse!fem!reader

warnings: s4 spoilers, canon s4 events, use of y/n and she/her pronouns, mentions of death, long fic (i got carried away oopsies)

a/n: thanks to my wifey @keerysbrowneyes for the idea :) <3

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

"can we go to the cafeteria?"

"what if she wakes up soon?"

"can we play dnd now?"

steve groans for the hundredth time today. the kids were on his last nerve.

"guys!" steve interjects all their questions. "yes, you all can go to the cafeteria. i'll stay with max in case she wakes up. and no will, you can't play dnd."

dustin smiles, along with lucas and erica, as will frowns. the party makes their way out of the room and down the hall, all will empty stomachs.

steve can finally relax as he sits in one of the chairs placed in the room. he stares at max. her eyes are still shut, the blood has now faded to a light pink color around her eyes. she still had all the casts on her body.

steve couldn't stare at her for long, or else he'd breakdown right then and there. instead, he chose to fiddle with his calloused fingers.

however his head picked up once the door opened, revealing a nurse he hasn't seen before.

usually the nurse was male, who was much older with his grey hair. this nurse looked younger, and was a woman.

"oh hi, i didn't think anyone would be in here right now," the nurse explains.

steve stands from the chair, "i can leave if you want?"

the nurse only smiles, "don't be silly. i'm just checking her vitals."

steve nods, before sitting back down. "do you know how much longer she'll be like this?" he asks.

"well she's taking all the medicine nicely, and getting the rest she needs. so i'd say give her one more month at most."

steve runs his fingers through his hair. it's been two months since the upside down incident. all he hoped for was for max to get better as quick as possible.

"are you her primary care-taker?" the nurse asks.

steve shakes his head.

"i just figured since you're here everyday to see her," the nurse explains.

"no uh- her mom checks on her sometimes. at least that's what she tells me."

the nurse nods, as she finishes taking max's vitals, and writing down any changes.

"thank you," steve gestures towards max, "for doing all this?"

the nurse laughs, "for doing my job? you're welcome," she puases, not knowing the man's name.

"steve."

the nurse smiles, "steve."

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

twenty four hours pass and steve finds himself in the hospitals visiting max again. the only difference being robin sitting next to him.

keith agreed to let robin go with steve, as family video wasn't busy on tuesdays.

robin was in the middle of telling steve about her and vickie's date from last week, until a knock on the door interrupted the girl.

steve noticed the nurse that walked in. it was the same nurse as yesterday, and today she had a cart filled with medical supplies.

"oh hi steve," the nurse smiles, "who's this?" she gestures to robin.

robin waves, "i'm robin, steve's friend."

steve nods, "yeah she agreed to come with me today, instead of the kids."

"you knew those kids in the cafeteria yesterday?" the nurse asks.

steve nods again, "well they were friends with max before me, but yeah i guess i-" robin hits steve's shoulder. "we look after them now."

"that's sweet of you guys," the nurse smiles.

robin turns to steve once the nurse starts checking on max. steve turns to robin as well, confused once he gets a look from her.

robin gestures her head towards the nurse. steve on the other hand just dismisses it. she was totally asking about it later.

robin's seen steve with this same look on his face before. whenever he looked at a breathtaking girl walking into scoops or family video. it was the same way he looked at nancy.

robin smirked to herself while getting out of her chair, "do you want anything from the vending machine?" she asks steve.

he shakes his head, and sends her a narrow look, knowing why she was leaving the room so suddenly.

in five seconds, it was just steve and the nurse in max's room again.

"i never got your name yesterday," steve breaks the silence.

"it's y/n," she looks over at steve.

"that really suits you," he smiles, and notices her cheeks turning pink.

the very sweet moment was cut short when robin re-entered the room, with three bags of chips in hand. steve gave her a look.

"what? i'm hungry," robin answered, before sitting back down in the seat next to steve.

y/n finished filling out the paperwork for max, and took the iv out of her arm she put in earlier.

she then walked over to steve with a few papers in her hand. she first hands him two papers, "these are the improvements she's made since last week, and the negatives."

steve gets handed another paper, and tries to ignore how his fingers touched y/n's.

"this is for her care-taker, so either for you, or if you're lucky to find a legal guardian."

steve and robin both look over the papers, happy once they read max is finally starting to have bigger improvements.

a device on the medical cart beeps twice, making y/n have to leave the room quickly to get to another patient. once steve and robin are alone, robin's curiosity gets the best of her.

"you like her don't you?"

steve whips his head to face robin, "what kind of question is that? we just met yesterday."

"i'm not hearing a no steven."

"rob, come on, don't be ridiculous."

"all i'm saying is, maybe it's good that you finally moved on from nancy. she's with jonathan in california anyways. maybe it's time to hop off that train."

steve shakes his head, "gee thanks for reminding me robin."

steve knew robin had a point. all the unnecessary pining for a girl he couldn't have. it just weighed him down most of the time.

an announcement was emitted over the speakers of the hospital, stating that visiting hours were over. steve and robin get their belongings before leaving the room. they pass the cafeteria, making steve stop in his tracks.

"do you want to get food before we head home?" steve points to the food court like area.

"no, vickie's actually picking me up for a date," robin nonchalantly answers.

steve's eyes widen, "wow, and you didn't tell me?" he laughs.

robin shoves him, before she starts walking to the lobby, "i was going to tell you eventually."

the pair shares a wave, knowing they were probably going to see each other again by the end of the week.

steve was quick to grab food, knowing exactly what he was in the mood for. a sandwich, a drink and a chocolate chip cookie were on the white tray.

he turned, and look around the tables. some were filled with parents. others had just one person, and some were empty with a few crumbs littered on top. steve however noticed on table in particular.

he recognized the purple scrubs of the nurse who he saw less than thirty minutes ago.

several thoughts flooded his mind as he walked over to the table y/n was sitting at.

what if she doesn't want to see me again? maybe she can't sit with visitors. what if she wants to eat alone?

however the thoughts don't stop him from standing in front of the table.

y/n picks her head up from her food, and sees a familiar grey jacket. her eyes reach the eyes of the person standing in front of her. she smiles, once she notices it's steve.

"hi steve," her smile never falters.

steve points to the empty chair across from her, "can i sit?"

y/n nods, "be my guest. i was feeling kind of lonely anyway."

steve and y/n both smile as he sits down across from her. they both eat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before steve breaks the silence for the second time today.

"what made you become a nurse?"

y/n takes in a short breath, which doesn't go unnoticed by steve. she wasn't sure why she was about to tell him the real reason, but she felt like she could trust him.

"before my dad passed away, i felt like i wasn't doing enough when he was in the hopsital. so when he passed, i made this like, promise to myself to help everyone else since i couldn't help him."

steve's heart breaks for the girl in front of him, "i'm so sorry y/n."

y/n can tell his voice is nothing but sincere. she only smiles, her own voice now feeling lost.

steve, trying his best to change the subject, asks another question.

"is this your first job?"

y/n nods, "yeah, i was going to work at the mall after high school, but decided this is what i want to do for a while."

"i used to work at the mall," steve laughs, making y/n gasp slightly.

"seriously? which store did you work at?"

"scoops ahoy, you know it?"

y/n nods, "i walked by it probably hundreds of times while me and my friends were out shopping," she laughs, now remembering seeing steve in that stupid sailor uniform whenever she passed by.

"but then the mall got destroyed from that fire," steve continued, "so now i work at family video. next to the arcade."

"i've been meaning to get some movies from there. but with school and work i've just been too busy," y/n sighs. don't get her wrong, she loves everything about her job, and the opportunities she's been given at such a young age. she only misses the amount of free time she used to have.

"i have a shift tomorrow, if you want to stop by whenever your shift ends, i can recommend some great movies," steve offers, in hope to be able to see her again tomorrow.

"i'll have to see how late i'm working tomorrow. i'd love to see you again," y/n catches onto to what she just said, which made steve raise his eyebrows and laugh quietly.

"i mean, i'd love to see you recommend me some movies. not that i won't be happy to see you again."

steve chuckles again at y/n's rambling, which instantly reminds him of robin.

"i know what you mean y/n, don't worry."

y/n's shoulder relax, as her and steve both finish their meals.

y/n takes both her and steve's white trays to the trash bins, and dumps the containers inside. steve grabs his car keys and wallet, along with y/n's jacket draped over the back of the chair and her purse.

y/n thanks steve while putting on her jacket. the two of them walk down the hallway together, and make their way through the lobby and out into the parking lot.

"you know you didn't have to walk me to my car right?" y/n lets out a giggle, which steve finds adorable.

"i know, just thought it'd be the chivalrous thing to do," steve chuckles, as he remembers dustin using that word a lot.

"well thank you steve," y/n sends him a smile, before reaching in her pockets, looking for her car keys.

steve realizes he's still holding her purse. he lets out a small 'oh' before handing it to her, making her thank him again.

steve waves to her as she turns her car on. he makes sure she leaves the parking lot safely, before he starts walking over to his own.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

steve's shift at family video the next day was uneventful and slow. only three customers have come in since steve's shift started. was it slow because he wanted to leave? maybe. did he want to leave only so he could see y/n again? absolutely.

robin noticed how bored steve looked as he played with the slinky on the counter.

"keith won't care if you leave ten minutes early ya know?" robin states, "we've been slow all day."

"you're telling me this why?" steve turns to face robin, who's stocking one of the shelves.

"you and i both know you just want to see that hot nurse from yesterday, who you obviously have chemistry with."

"i did not call her hot," steve dismisses.

"no, but you're thinking it," robin smirks.

steve just sends her a look, which makes robin laugh as she continues working.

steve contemplates on leaving early. he knew keith wouldn't care, just like robin said a moment ago.

"screw it."

steve walks into the small break room in the back of the store and clocks out. he grabs his keys and wallet, and a can of coke for the drive there, then jogs slightly through the store to get to his car.

"bye romeo!" robin yells as the store door closes.

steve's thankful the hopsital is close to fanily video, making him only have to deal with a twenty three minute drive.

he's lucky to find a parking spot. he takes notice of all the cars in the parking lot, knowing how busy it must be inside.

steve walked in and his assumption was correct. the lobby was almost filled to the brim with visitors, incoming patients, and doctors coming in and out through every door.

he walked to the front desk, and was surprised how quick he got his visitor sticker.

while walking through the hallway to get down to max's room, steve was passed by many doctors, nurses and patients. one nurse he wasn't expecting to see run by was y/n.

y/n, two doctors, and two others nurses were running by steve at the same time. he heard a certain code from the speakers as they all ran by, as well as calls from their moniters.

steve stopped walking for a moment, as he turned to see the group of five running back with a little girl on a stretcher. she looked maybe six or seven, and was as white as a ghost. her cries could be heard throughout the lower level of the hospital, even with the mask on her face.

steve got back to his original task, once the hallway had calmed down. he finally made it to max's room. he smiled when he saw the familiar room number.

"what are you guys doing here?" steve thinks out loud, as he's met with the whole party in max's room.

lucas, erica, will, mike and eleven all stood beside the bed near the window, while nancy and jonathan sat in the seats.

"mike, nancy and jonathan all came back from california this morning. we thought they should come see max," will explains.

just as steve is about to ask another question, a knock on the door makes him turn. a nurse comes in, who isn't y/n.

"oh wow, a lot of visitors in here," she smiles.

the nurse starts to take max's vitals, just like any other day. with all of the people in the room, steve's face grows hot as he starts to feel claustrophobic. he tells nancy he'll be outside the room if any of them need him.

less than ten minutes pass as everyone walks out of max's room, besides the nurse.

they all walk past steve and go down the hallway, after nancy tells steve that all the kids are getting antsy and need to get out of the hospital. steve nodded in understanding, knowing they could only handle it for so long.

steve debates on going back inside to check on max, but decides not to.

whenever he goes into that room, all he can think of is it being his fault for her condition. he always feels as if he could've done more to protect her from vecna.

steve stands from the chair and starts walking to the cafeteria. might as well get free food before i leave.

his plans change however, once he turns the corner and sees y/n sitting on the floor. her elbows are resting on her bent knees while her hands are in her hair. steve hears the soft cries coming from the girl.

he jogs towards her, before kneeling down besides her.

"hey hey, are you okay?" his voice is gentle, as he rests his hand on her shoulder.

y/n's head turns. she definitely wasn't expecting to see steve at the hospital today. "what are you doing here?" her voice was raspy.

"i was visiting max, but then was going to get food, and i found you here. are you alright?"

y/n only shakes her head, after sniffling and wiping her eyes. "a little girl passed away, not long after she came in from an ambulance."

steve listens, keeping a hand on her shoulder as he rubs his thumb along the bone.

"i've dealt with patients passing before, but this one felt so different. her parents were in the room," y/n hiccups as she tries to catch her breath, "they were in the room while her time of death was announced."

steve didn't say anything in return. he simply stood up and held his hand out, which y/n instantly took. he helped her stand up, and was quick to open his arms. of course y/n complied.

steve's arms were wrapped loosely around her neck, while her own were around his waist. the action only made her break down more, making her grip onto steve's grey jacket. he gently swayed the two back and forth, in efforts of calming y/n down.

steve kissed the top of y/n's head once he heard her cries starting to die down.

"how would french fries and milkshakes make you feel right now?" steve asks, not moving from his current position.

y/n giggles before sniffling again, "i wouldn't hate it."

steve reluctanly pulls away from the hug, "when does your shift end?"

y/n checks her watch and chuckles, "two minutes ago actually. let me grab my things and i'll meet you in the lobby?"

steve nods, watching y/n walk away from him.

just as promised, steve's waiting in the lobby when y/n walks through the double doors.

they both walk out to the parking lot, and before y/n can walk to her own car, steve grabs y/n's shoulder.

she turns with her eyebrows furrowed.

"we can just take my car," steve offers, "we can go to the diner, and if you want to you can stay at mine for the night."

y/n's heart melts at steve's offer, as he starts to ramble.

"i mean you've probably had a long day, and i know if i were you i wouldn't want to be alone right now. i know we just met so it-"

"steve," y/n cuts him off.

"yeah?"

"i'd love to," she smiles, making steve send one back to her.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

steve stuck to his word as he took himself and y/n to the diner nearby. they got a large order of fries, as steve got a chocolate milkshake and y/n got a strawberry one.

now the pair was at steve's house. his parents were out of town, which didn't surprise steve. which meant they had the house to themselves.

steve noticed y/n was still in her purple scrubs, which prompted him to ask, "do you want some comfortable clothes to change into?" he chuckles.

y/n nods, "if you don't mind, that'd be great."

steve motions for her to follow him up the stairs, which she does.

y/n looks around steve's room once they both enter, as steve goes over to his dresser. y/n sees the different trophies placed around the room, as well as multiple picture frames of what seems to be of himself and friends.

steve comes back to the girl, and hands her an old t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.

"bathroom's right across the hall," he smiles. he hears a small 'thank you' as y/n walks out of his room.

he takes the time to change out of his jeans and polo shirt, and into a pair of pajama pants and old high school t-shirt.

he turns once he hears the bathroom door opening, and smiles at the sight of y/n wearing his own clothes.

"thank you steve," she places her old clothes by the wall, before standing in front of steve.

"thank you for everything actually," she admits.

"you're very welcome," steve smiles, "i just want to make sure you're okay after today."

y/n nods, "yeah, i think i'll be okay."

after a moment, steve breaks the silence, "do you want to go downstairs and watch a movie? or we could go outside and just talk?"

"i'm okay with a movie."

once y/n and steve make their way back downstairs and into the living room, a thought pops into y/n's head.

"do you mind if i call my mom first? just in case she calls and i'm not home, i'll tell her why."

steve points in the direction of the phone, "yeah of course, phone's in the kitchen by the fridge."

steve chuckles to himself when he hears another 'thank you' coming from y/n before she's in the kitchen.

steve can't help but look at the girl from the living room. he's able to see from her waist up, and still think she looks perfect in his clothes.

y/n hangs up the phone after a short conversation with her mom. she puts her head in her hands and takes in a deep breath. the last thing she wanted to do was breakdown in front of steve again.

"are you okay?"

speak of the devil. y/n saw steve standing right outside the kitchen. she simply nodded before walking over to him.

"today was just a lot," she sighs.

"i get that," steve agrees.

just by the look on y/n's face, he can tell a million different thoughts are going through her mind. he grabs her chin in his hand to make her look up at him, and then moves his hand to cup her cheek.

"are you sure your okay?" his voice is softer than before.

once again, y/n only nods.

steve and y/n mantain their eye contact, completely getting lost in each other's eyes.

y/n noticed how soft and gentle his eyes look. she believes there's a whole story underneath his eyes, but decided against asking.

as steve is doing the same thing to y/n, the girl leans up and kisses him on the lips quickly.

her heartbeat only picked up once he didn't say anything. she feared she had messed up the relationship the two had just started.

steve didn't move his hand from y/n's cheek, and he smirked slightly.

before y/n could start profusely apologizing, steve beat her to it.

"why'd you stop?"

the question immediately caught y/n off gaurd, "what?"

"why'd you stop kissing me?" steve asks again.

y/n can only stutter in response and before a full sentence can be formed, steve pulls her to him and kisses her on the lips.

his other hand moves to her waist, gripping at the skin peaking out from under the shirt.

y/n quickly responds by kissing him back, as both of her hands go to his waist.

y/n gasps slightly as steve turns to hold her against the wall that he was previously leaning on. the gasp gives steve the chance to slip his tongue into her mouth, making the two's tongues have to fight for dominance.

"screw the movie," steve mumbles against y/n's lips, making her giggle before she wraps both of her arms around steve's neck.

y/n giggles again after steve grabs her hand, and pulls her back upstairs to his bedroom.

to say robin would be getting a very interesting call from steve the next morning would be an understatement.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

[nighttimeebony]

Unanswered questions about Dazai's backstory that are driving me fucking insane

(Yeah, so, completely against my will, Bungou Stray Dogs has been consuming every last neuron in my brain for the past several weeks, so I thought I'd share my unraveling)

(mentions of eye injuries and self-harm/attempted suicide below the cut, if you're sensitive to those kinds of things).

(1) In season 2, episode 3, when Ango turns out to be a spy in the Port Mafia, Dazai says, "Everything I never want to lose is always lost. Everything worth wanting is lost the moment I obtain it. And nothing I pursue is worth the cost of prolonging this life, this suffering." Like! What the fuck does this mean?!?!! What happened in Dazai's life that made him think this? The way he says it indicates that him "losing things he wants to keep" has happened often enough for it to become a pattern for him, so what was Dazai talking about when he said this?

(2) In season 3, episode 3, why did Dazai say "thank you" to the old Port Mafia boss when he killed Rimbaud's double of him?

In the sub, he says "let me thank you for once," and in the dub, he says "I'll never get another chance to say this, so thank you". Why did he say that?

(3) Why did Dazai keep his eye covered as a teenager? At first, I assumed it was because Dazai had some kind of injury that he was covering, considering how easily it bled every time Dazai sustained some kind of damage to his head or face, but never to the eye directly. In episode 1 of season 2, when a bullet grazes the side of his face, his eye starts to bleed

and the same thing happens again in episode 1 of season 3 when Chuuya kicks him into a wall.

BUT! When Oda's dying and he pulls Dazai's bandages off, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with his eye. And it can't be that Dazai was just wearing them as some kind of intimidation tactic; there had to have been something wrong with it, because we see it bleed twice (even though the eye itself never sustained any direct injury), but there is no visual indication that anything is wrong with his eye, either in the flashbacks or in the present (no scars, seemingly no vision issues, and no discoloration in the eye like you might expect to see as a result of permanent damage). So I am asking WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE BANDAGES FOR

(4) Where did Dazai come from before he was in the Port Mafia? We know that he was a witness to the old boss's murder when he was 14, but Dazai wasn't an official Mafia member until he was 15 when Mori tasked him to work the Arahabaki case. Was Dazai always connected to the Mafia in some way, or did he come from a normal family before Mori inducted him?

(5) FOLLOWING THAT: where are Dazai's parents? In the "Fifteen" novel, it's stated that Dazai wasn't a mere orphan that Mori just picked up, but we don't know if Dazai's parents are dead or alive or where they would be if they were alive.

(6) What are Dazai's bandages actually for? Given Dazai's track record of suicide attempts, it's a common theory that the bandages are to hide self harm scars (I subscribe to this theory myself, as it's the most plausible), but we don't actually know because we've never seen Dazai without his bandages before.

EDIT: (7) Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. In season 3, episode 2-

What is the motivation behind this scene? Why does Dazai keep shooting? Why does he think that the soldier deserved to suffer more? Dazai offers the guy a more merciful death, but Dazai also thinks that a merciful death is "more than he deserves". Why does Dazai think this? This can't just be about this one soldier, because Dazai hasn't had any kind of encounter with him before this. Dazai is clearly having some kind of small breakdown, but what triggered it and why?

[laguezze]

PAC: Kind, Short Messages You Need to Hear

Theme: in the mood for love by Wong Kar Wai

In honor of my hiatus, I thought I'd try put out some good energy out there. In case someone needs it like I do. It's the first tarot reading I've done after my breakdown so if it doesn't resonate, that's probably why. Even then, I hope I get to help at least one person. Lots of love

Here are the piles!

Pile I

Pile II

Pile III

Which one did you pick?

Thanks for choosing, now let's go!

Pile I

You're doing enough. You shouldn't be doing more. You're doing just fine. Stop overthinking and worrying endlessly about what you could have done or how it could've been or what you might have done better now. The past has past. Focus on the now. What can you do now? Now that you have the power? Take action if you want, or don't. Don't exhaust yourself before you get to do whatever it is you want to do.

Pile II

Stop comparing yourself to people you don't know. It's ok to live a different life. You are enough. You just aren't there yet and that's ok. Enjoy the little things you should be grateful for. Some of the people you're comparing yourself to don't have those things. And it's ok to take your time to get there. Not everyone gets rich or successful at 18. You get to enjoy the ride longer before you get to the destination, some people wish that happened to them. Be patient with life and with yourself.

Pile III

You're overwhelmed, I see that you might be tired of always hearing the same advice from people you know. "Step out of your comfort zone" "Live a little" "You should go out and meet people" "Love won't come knocking at your door" Those are examples of things you might hear a lot. Truth is, it's not that easy for you, is it? You weren't made to look for love, you were made to receive it. You want that organic meeting, that coincidental connection that you've seen in your favorite works of art. And that's valid and ok. Many people are too. Perhaps your friends are a bit right. Show the world you're ready for love, but most importantly, show yourself you are. But don't feel pressured to go out every day to find love. That's exhausting. You must focus on yourself and do these things because they make you happy, not for the odd chance you may meet prince/princess charming. Don't put that pressure on you and enjoy life.

(feels like a lot of people in this pile needed reassurance :) you are loved and it's ok to want love 💕)

The End

I hope you all enjoyed it!

[ughgoaway]

How do you think the parent-teacher conference would go?

okay yes I have been thinking about this since i originally thought of this au

(Also, quick psa- these are never proofread, so if they are incoherent/ littered with spelling errors...shhh)

I can see matty getting the email through about parents evening and just PRAYING it's with you. Annie has two teachers (bc fuck having a class of 30 kids on your own are you mad) and he thought it might be with the other one. who is fine, she's an older woman and is very lovely... she's just not you

little does he know behind the scenes you had to kind of fudge things to get him for parents evening, your deputy head teacher comes up one day and tells you the plan for parents evening this year, he explains youre only getting half the class. so rather than doing it with your co-teacher, you'd do half and she'd do half. of course, you immediately ask, "Oh... okay, can I see my list?"

you read it and feel your heart drop, Annie wasn't on there. and you swear it's not just because you want an excuse to sit across from matty for 20 mins... you also genuinely love Annie and would love to talk about her and her progress.

you catch the other teacher in the staff room and have a quick chat, "Mrs Richards, do you think we could go over the parent's evening lists? I was just wondering if there's any students that you don't have that you might like?"

"Oh yes dear, let's have a look," she says, grabbing your list, "Ah yes, if it's okay with you, I'd quite like to see Jason's mum and dad. After the paper aeroplane incident last week, I think I need to have a proper discussion with them"

you scream internally, thankful you won't have to have that conversation, and that you might be able to snag Annie, "Oh yes, that's fine with me! why don't we swap for say... Annie Healy?" You say trying to play it off and act like you didn't already have a child in mind when you started this conversation.

luckily, Mrs Richards is completely oblivious to your crush (that you insist is not a crush) and says, "Of course dear, consider it done. I'll send all the emails tonight"

////

cut to actual parents evening and you are wearing your favourite dress. well, favourite appropriate dress. it's nothing much, floral and flowy, but it just works, and you love it.

and you totally did not try on every combination of dresses and shoes that you own to find the perfect one. at 3am.

you definitely did not do that because that would be insane...

anyway, you just finished your appointment with Lucy's parents, and it all went well. You did have to have a discussion about her habit of punching her male peers in... certain places, but it went down surprisingly well.

you completely forget who your next appointment is until you stick your head out of the door and see matty standing with a cig in the corner. for a good few seconds, you just stand and stare, enamoured by the glow of the cigarette lighting up his features. and the way his cheeks hollow as he takes a drag.

matty finally spots you and waves, dropping his cig and crushing it before rushing to meet you. you take a deep breath and straighten up, trying not to die from nerves before this meeting.

"matty! hi! come in, come in, " you say, waving him in. Neither of you notice the receptionist raising her eyebrows at you, calling him matty. she makes a mental note to talk (tease) to you about it later.

he comes in and sits down, and for the first 10 mins, it's a completely normal meeting. You discuss how Annie is doing, how she's interacting with her peers, and what progress she is making.

obviously, googly eyes are being thrown both ways, but you are both beautifully oblivious.

but soon somehow, you both get completely off topic.

"you've never seen true romance! oh love, that wounds me, " matty says, holding a hand to his chest in faux hurt.

you giggle lightly at his reaction, brushing over the pet name so you don't have a mental breakdown over it in front of him.

"I know! I know! it's been on my list for years but I've never got around to it, is it one of your favourites?"

matty then of course goes on a 5 minute rant about how amazing the film is and what it means to him, "I mean I wrote one of our most popular songs about it, as soon as I wrote it at 18 I knew it would be such an important song. to me. to the band. even to our non-existent fans at the time. well, our one fan, my dad"

you smile at him just in awe of his passion for that band, "Oh yeah, robbers, right?" You say shyly, trying not to show the intensity of the stalking you did.

matty just stops and looks at you, his face a mix of cockiness and pure adoration, "Yeah yeah, you been listening to my band?" he teases and pokes at your arm. Soon, his hand slips down and lightly rests on yours as you speak.

you just nod dumbly because how can you focus on what he just said whilst he's practically holding your hand?? thankfully, you catch yourself reasonably quickly and realise just nodding is not the appropriate reaction to what he just said.

you don't know what comes over you, maybe it's his hand on yours, the soft look in his eyes or the gentle smile on his face but you decide to just be honest.

"Honestly?" You say, and matty nods softly, eyes flittering around your face (perhaps even down to your lips) , "I didn't know who you were before, but now? I am a little bit obsessed. I listened to you on the drive-in this morning, " you say whilst avoiding eye contact.

"No way," he says, laughing to himself. He squeezes your hand to encourage your eyes up, and you give in and make eye contact, "what's your favourite song? you've got to tell me that"

"well i-" Of course, before you can finish, there's a harsh knock on the door. you both jump and separate hastily as you spring up and get it.

before you can say anything, the person behind the door starts talking, "Hi, we're Jackson's parents, are you miss y/n? I thought our appointment was at 6. it's 10 past, and I'm kind of in a rush"

you start stuttering out apologies, and matty is already behind you preparing to leave. He quickly grabs your hand and squeezes it as he brushes past.

you squeeze his to grab his attention, "paris. my favourite song is paris", you let go and usher the other parents in. they squeeze past a frozen matty, just standing and gazing at you.

soon you are closing the door to mattys shocked face, giving him one last grin before clicking it shut.

(paris is not my fav song, but it's matty's, so we gotta have a bit of romance)

blurb masterlist here!!

[whitleyschn33]

…that Whitney post was just beautiful despite that tragic past.

I think the worse part about this: when weiss came back again she insulted, look down on Whitney and worse of all pointed a sword at him. (A gun sword where god forbid it goes off: accidental or worse)

Honestly I truly hated how Whitney was supposed to give that hug to weiss despite weiss not earning it.

Whitney should had pushed her away or even slapped her. (Maybe I am too harsh but you don’t get to do all these awful actions and expect me to be civilized with you)

If anything those scenes made me hate weiss, winter and especially willow for their actions.

I'm pretty sure I've made this joke before but -

Because, like, we get the set-up for a reconciliation where Weiss recognizes why Whitley would be angry with her and take that chance to reach out to him with her scene with Willow, but then the next time she sees him, she threatens and scolds him, treating him like a child. Then the next scene after that is her acting like she forgives him and hugging him and all is well, and that's all well and good on her end since we've never seen Whitley do anything but be a brat so it's easy for her to forgive him, but then what about Whitley?? Like - you still left him behind, multiple times, and until this very moment when he does something genuinely kind and decent for a friend he has no reason to give a shit about, specifically saying he's not doing it for you, you decide that that's the end of it? And then Whitley's anger just vanishes and it's all good? That's bullshit.

Whitley still has every right to be upset and angry when nothing on his end of the emotional situation was concluded. Weiss never talked about anything with him or acted like she did anything wrong - and let me be clear, leaving an abusive environment was not wrong for her to do, but that doesn't mean it didn't still hurt Whitley - or even apologize for forcing her way in and threatening him with her weapon. Weiss does nothing with the insight Willow gives her and does nothing to earn any sort of goodwill on Whitley's part, but because Weiss has chosen to forgive him, Whitley just has to accept it I guess because we can't have anyone actually remember their motivations when it's time for them to join the good guy squad. Doesn't matter how angry you might have been about being left behind in a neglectful and abusive environment, boy, your sister has forgiven you for the sin of being pissy with her, so it's all in the past now! I'd rant more, but I've actually got an entire breakdown on these scenes here, so, uh, check it out if you're interested, lol.

I... can't see Whitley actually slapping anyone, it doesn't seem his style, but he sure as hell looked very uncomfortable to be hugged by Weiss until he was forced to accept it!

And God, Willow. The fact that she's well aware of what she's done with regard to raising Whitley but then just... doesn't seem to care until he's almost killed? Miss me with hasty redemption - you abandoned your children for years, abandoned your son for the past day or two, and suddenly because you saved his life it's all okay? No. It's not. And the fact that Whitley is made to just smile and nod is frankly a bit sickening.

(Thank you, though! Just kinda wanted to put into perspective how young Whitley was when all of this was going down. Like I said in the post, I do personally lean more towards him being 15 or 16, the idea of him being 12 when Weiss leaves for Beacon just feels wrong, but with how vague the timeline and their ages are, Whitley being 5 when their family falls apart for good is a very real and very tragic possibility.)

[rulerzreachf4n7]

I'm trying to say this in THE NICEST WAY possible, toxic shippers have the stupidest reasons for not shipping Huntlow

Heya! Now before I go into this please know I AM NOT a toxic/force shipper, I am not forcing you to ship Huntlow, simply just telling you why your reasons don't make sense and contradict to the canon versions of the characters of the show, and with that let's go

Reason 1: it's not possible for Hunter to trust Willow after Below possed him and in general

Oh. My. Fucking. Titan...Im just going to automatically assume you've never watched Any Sports In The Storm, that one part in Reaching out, Labyrinth Runners, Clouds On The Horizon, Kings Tide or the entirety of s3, I'M LITERALLY TRYING TO BE NICE BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY FUCKING STUPID, Hunter trusts AND CARES Willow by first, in reaching out, giving her his penstegram account to chat, saving her from getting hurt in clouds on the horizon, yes, it's wasn't actually Luz, it was an illusion, and in the same episode Willow tried to save Hunter (or so she thought it does matter if it's actually Luz it just proves she cares about Hunter) and when Luz got captured by Kiki she was very anxious and hurrying everyone to get to Kiki to save Luz, yet again, don't come at me with just because it was illusion doesn't mean she dosent care about Hunter, she thought it was him, she cares about him a lot cause she was in a hurry to save him (or so she though it was him)! Hunter was comfortable and trusted her to cut his hair in thanks to them, in the same episode he wasn't uncomfortable with Willow holding him after the possession, in for the future HE LITERALLY SAYS HE CARES ABOUT WILLOW, NOT JUST GUS, WILLOW TOO, he comforted her after her breakdown and saved her and Gus, Willow trusts and cares about Hunter in ending of for the future by holding his hand (pinky promis?? Idk what to call it lol) and literally said "Thanks Hunter, you mean a lot to me to" which Hunter replied "yeah...sure, no problem"

Reason 2: they head canon either Hunter, Willow, or both of them as aroace, asexual, or on the spectrum

Oh. My. Titan, did you like know aroace/asexual people can like STILL DATE??? you completely misunderstand the meaning, just because they don't experience ALL ATTRACTION dosent mean THEY WON'T EXPERIENCE ANY, you know what "little to none attraction" means, it fucking means someone who has a bit, A BIT, NOT ZERO, THERE'S STILL A PIECE OF ATTRACTION THEY CAN HAVE FOR SOMEONE, I'm literally trying not to be as toxic as possible but people have the most fucking stupidest reasons

Reason 3: you ship Lunter/huntric/huntmira/boschlow/ect

Well that's fine, but those ships don't make sense in my eyes but I won't write an entire paragraph on why it doesn't make sense (I'm doing it after this post lol 💀💀) and also boschlow is literally toxic pookie it's not the enemies to lovers you want Boscha literally bullied her, if you think that's chemistry you're fucking stupid and never seen the entirety of s1

And hehe silly reason I'd like to add!!

Reason 4: they're bland, don't go well together, rushed, and have no chemistry

Oh my fucking Titan, OMG y'all! Did you know you could uncancel you're own show?! NO YOU CAN'T DUMB FUCK, it was rushed because it WAS FUCKING CANCELLED, SORRY POOKIE DANA CAN'T DO NO SHIT ABOUT IT, it's not like you can get rid of all the episodes and make it hunlow themed, sorry, we can't get all the things we want in life, and by saying that it wouldn't work by the first impression in ASIAS is stupid, sure Willow made a bad first impression but Hunter seemed mildly phased by this other than just being a bit spooked out and startled, and NO, HE DIDN'T JUST DEVELOP A CRUSH ON HER ON SPOT, sure, he could think Willows pretty, but that doesn't mean HE HAS A FUCKING CRUSH ON HER, and people saying that it's not a "half a with Hunter" because Hunters a grimwalker dosent make any sense, may I remind you this was made before hollow mind, he's still convinced he's a powerless witch by Belos lying about it to him, he thinks he's a half a witch while yes looking like a witch on the outside despite having no bile sack, and he doesn't seem to think as himself as weak like Willow does on the other hand, eh, I wouldn't mind if they took out the half a witch, and btw it's not supposed to be a romantical aspect it's supposed to be a similarity, people have also said she's only there to comfort him, even though that's apart of Willows personality, SHE'S THE RELIABLE ONE, LITERALLY SAYING IT IN FTF, she's supposed to comfort people, supposed to be the person everyone rely on, but thats not just her whole personality, based around her reliability, she's so much more than it! People say they think they're both better off as friends in their opinion, it's totally fine! I don't give a shit really, but if you're going to state a reason why you dont think a ship is realistic, then at least watch all the episodes they're in and use some common sense at least! It's the bare minimum!

And that's all!!! I hope you understand and if I made any incorrections please let me know!! I really hate toxic Lunter and huntric shippers, or shippers in general, they just make up excuses instead of saying that huntlow isn't their type of ship or they ship something else, but if you're a multishipper you're totally cool! (Even considered being a multishipper hehe)

[jaywalkers]

hiii i recently finished reading sunset like survival (it was so so so fucking good. epic. amazing. is living in the most inner part of my ribs being cradled gently !!!!!!) and i was v bewitched and fascinated by how u handled andrew choking kevin and the consequences in each subsequent loop ! the guilt andrew felt and anger as well towards kevin for not like idk defending himself properly ? (sorry if that’s the wrong word) say no basically . the way kevin assumed their deal was broken bcs andrew hurt him and the betrayal suffocating him GOD ,,,,,,, and how they grew from it just wow wow wow laying at the bottom of ur feet looking up at u in wonder rn !!!!! i could FEEL the choking incident hovering above the two of them like a cloud and to see it resolved in a way that didn’t quite erase it entirely but allowed them to perhaps move on from it ? truly stunning ,,,,

did u have any specific thoughts on why u chose it to be a major focal point during the loop, ur thoughts on how it was handled in canon ( the way it was moved on from ? treated humorously) and anything else rlly that comes to mind ? also i love all ur writing sm <3 the way i’m able to immerse myself in ur fics and see the way u breathe life into these characters is beautiful. truly. ily 💖

ah! first of all thank you so much for not only reading s,ls, but also for loving it as much as you did! it's always such an honour that people took time to experience the gender-crisis fuelled monstrosity that is timeloop au even two years out.

to answer your two questions: (under a cut bcs she's LONG)

i don't like how it's handled in canon, and while i accept it and love to see other people's takes on it (how it is/isn't in character, that it proves/detracts from kevins role), i personally think it's out of character for andrew and is a point of no return for the kandreil dynamic that i love.

the baltimore scenes are the inherent breakdown of the kandreil dynamic; by the end of tkm, it's wildly different to how it was at the start of the novel and not in a way that serves kevin's character well (or even andrew, really). with andrew and kevin's deal percived to be broken and all neil's secrets out in the open, there's no need for kevin to be a part of that dynamic when it comes to the character-driven plot, only the moriyama narrative. andreil become the most prevalent dynamic, and kevin is detatched — shut out, really, right before the apex of his character arc. neil and andrew base their following opinions of him based on his choices during baltimore and give him little further choices.

during/following the choking incident, as seen in kevin and andrew's tiff on the court a few chapters later, andrew wants kevin to prove that he can stand up for himself without andrew's help — maybe to justify breaking the deal off on his end, or out of frustration with kevin. what he doesn't understand is that kevin has a formal relationship with violence, especially as a punishment. he won't — he was groomed not to. that ultimately leaves them at an impasse until kevin gets his tattoo, part of his character narrative that neil and andrew for once are not there to witness because they've excluded him from their inner dynamic by this point in the plot.

so why did i posit it as a major focal point in the loop?

first of all, i'd already decided to set it in the baltimore 'arc', and within that for kandreil in canon there are two key events that influence the rest of the plot, and in my mind the loop happens because these two events are so out of character for the universe that they warp reality. and those two events are:

neil dying (kidnapping)

andrew choking kevin

ergo — both of these things need to be fixed to fix the loop. the loop in my opinion does actually help facilitate that second one, because for kevin and andrew to help neil they cannot be at odds. kevin and andrew's pov's are first because they cannot fix neil's problem without first fixing their own, and that has always been the one of equal standing between them.

andrew wants kevin to stand up for himself and kevin wants to not be afraid. similar things but different at the core of them. the loop forces them into close proximity — kevin is always near andrew's hands and andrew is always near the reminder that he hurt someone who did not deserve it. bridging that is a way of andrew learning that he can relearn trust, and kevin learning he doesn't have to forgive to stop fearing something.

also the loop allows andrew to see that kevin wasn't withholding information because he doesn't care about neil — he was withholding it because he cares about neil. kevin sees that andrew hurt him not because he doesn't care about kevin, but because he was so blinded by fear for neil. it puts them eye to eye and forces them to put things out in the open at a pace that suits them, with a static environment they can't escape. i don't like the choking scene — but it lends well to forcing andrew and kevin to air all their other grievances alongside it.

i hope this all makes sense!!!!!! again thank you thank you thank you for reading it and loving it and engaging in it so fervently! s,ls is a fever dream of a fic but i do dearly adore it and im so glad someone wanted to hear me character dump for a few hundred words about it <333 get off anon so i can kiss you on the lips

[curiousitycollective]

Okay, thank you so much (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠). First of all, I am diagnosed with BPD (and several other disorders but those are irrelevant right now), which means that I do experience secondary structural dissociation, ie there is an Apparently Normal Part and there are several Emotional Parts. Even though OSDD-1 as a whole is also grouped into this category, pwBPD are all singlets, whereas people with OSDD-1 are systems, as you know.

I'm bringing this up because I suspect my dissociative symptoms are oddly strong for someone with BPD? I'm not claiming to be a system, of course, I'd just like to know if what I experience sounds kinda like what plurals experience or if my symptoms are pretty normal for a singlet with dissociation.

I will try to be as brief as I can (though you can ask me further questions, of course). Right now, I am referring to us in the first person singular, but most of us feel very uncomfortable with that and naturally slip into the first person plural when talking about ourselves. I personally don't because I consider myself the most competent part and I don't like what the others are doing most of the time. We can't think of ourselves as a person, we feel like several versions of Me in a trench-coat or like a car - the car seems like one unit to the passerbys, they only perceive a car. Inside the car, however, there is a driver, someone who's sitting next to them, and there are several passengers in the back seats. Sometimes the ride is going well, but sometimes everyone starts arguing and the driver shouts "I'm sick of this! If you think you can do it better, then be my guest!" and crawls into the back to take a nap as the rest scrambles to get a hold of the wheel. The image of one unified Me is an illusion. All of us are Me. Everyone is also their own Me in a way, but in a way we are all just a part of the Me that is perceived by others.

We have your usual milquetoast dissociation (missing chunks of time, not knowing how the hell you got to the place you're at or why you're wearing what you're wearing, not knowing what you were doing, not remembering whole weeks or months, feeling absent from your body, watching an event unfold from afar while someone else is piloting your body and acting in a way you don't like, blackouts, etc) but on top of that we also have these odd occurrences, such as someone telling us that what we're saying is literally the opposite of what we said yesterday. I can give a specific example - I've been told that I said that I liked hugs. That's unhinged. I hate physical touch due to childhood trauma. At the same time, I've seen evidence of me hugging/cuddling/kissing from times that I either don't remember or have vague memories of (They feel like a movie. I can reroll them in my mind but I don't feel like I was present.). This happens with opinions, goals in life, hobbies, and values as well.

The weirdest part is that BPD Emotional Parts aren't supposed to have their own opinions or identities, and I assume they should be active for short periods of time. But I am not the Apparently Normal Part. I am not the one who's usually in the driver's seat. And I've been driving this car since Monday, and before that, I drove it for several months (from January of 2024 to April 2024) and was co-driving for about two months after that. And while the one who's usually driving is a trans man and, as far as I know, nearly all the other versions of me feel that way too, I and at least one other Me feel like women. I remember that we experienced fluctuating dysphoria before and this is nothing like it. Every time I am in charge, I hate our facial hair (that the other Mes love and feel horrible without), I hate our voice (I sound different. I'm supposed to sound different.), I hate being called anything but she/her and I kinda hate our name.

I "woke up" on Monday after whoever was in charge had a huge breakdown that was dangerous to our existence and I am pretty sure I was slightly co-piloting for at least a week before that, but at that moment I decided that I'm going to be the sole driver from now on. But that isn't the point. The point is that differences apply to clothes as well - there were clothes I used to wear when I was in charge, and those clothes are gone. I vaguely recall that we threw them out because we felt dysphoric in them. The problem is that I feel dysphoric in anything but them and I hate wearing androgynous clothes. The clothes in our closet seem boring at best to me, and none of them feel like my clothes. I can compare it to visiting your cousin for a week and having no clothes of your own, so they tell you to borrow theirs. They're the clothes of someone you know, however, you don't feel like you know them or own them.

There are a few other things as well but it's already getting really long. I just find this a little odd because I have never heard anyone else with BPD describe anything like this and frankly I'm a bit lost.

we say this every time but disclaimer here, we can't tell you what exactly is going on in your head but we'll give you as much information we can to help figure it out. and please feel free to ask follow up questions, this will probably be long and since we're likely going to be swapping in different folks writing this there might be some awkward phrasing.

we've said this a few times but its good to restate, when you're trying to figure out what's going on its often more effective to try and figure out what works for you rather then the perfect terms are.

if using plural pronouns feels most comfortable then go for it, honestly we know singlets who use them so even if you aren't a system there's nothing wrong if that feels best

on that note one thing we're going to encourage when trying to figure out any kind of brain things is setting aside the "does this fit with my current diagnosis/what exactly is going on" for "what framework/skills/words help me exist the most right now"

Not because the first isn't useful, it definitely is something you want to know and be able to bring up when necessary*, but often its not the most effective question.

Okay disclaimers out of the way, a lot of the stuff your describing are things we've experienced, especially before we had any reliable internal communication. We can't say that means you are a system, but we can say that what you are experiencing is normal for systems before they develop reliable communication

Differences in pronouns, clothing** and needs like touch are really common among systems and the "wait you said the opposite" is an experience we've had more then once. As much as it probably feels like you are losing your mind its completely normal. Some experiences that we've had include

There's probably about 50+ books on our old goodreads account and we have no idea who actually read them

Items appearing from nowhere

Donating games I'd play

Many many parties and outings we apparently agreed to with no idea

Donating stuff I'd wear every day

Changes in pronouns

Clothing we loved being dysphoria*** inducing and the opposite

People apparently knowing us that we don't recall meeting

One thing we think the community struggles with is explaining what its like when you are first figuring things out because by the nature of the community if you're here you've likely already got some idea of what's going on.

You've mentioned ANP and we'd suggest not to put too much worry into which part fits ANP vs. EP right now. There can be a lot of complexity as to how they present and in terms of the practical reality of "what does this mean for what's happening with me?" there's not much that gained by figuring out whose what when you are trying to figure out what you are.

We'd honestly suggest the biggest thing right now would be getting yourself in a place where you are as comfortable as possible, its often harder to communicate in system or figure out brain stuff when stressed, and then try and work on things like internal communication from there.

TL:dr We can't tell you exactly what you're experiencing but what you've described are common experiences for many systems.

Its best not to focus to much on labels or what the specifics are, rather work on seeing what helps you the most.

A couple good blogs as well as any tangents are under the cut.

Please feel free to follow up with questions.

Blogs

@sysmedsaresexist - tons of info on dissociative disorders, definitely leans more academic

@multiplicity-positivity - positivity blog but they also have a ton of resources, we really recommend checking out their resources for questioning systems page

@uniquely-plural - posts about different system/plural experiences as well as general resources

@dissociative-misinfo - new blog (took over from the previous name so old posts about the user aren't about this blog) but they've made some good posts that break down some of the more academic language around CDDs

*Expanding this a bit, it's can be useful to see "does this experience typically happen with a diagnosis or can it indicate something more is going on?" but beyond that people often get caught in trying to fit themselves into a diagnosis rather then trying to see what is best for them.

There's a myriad of ways any one disorder can present on its own even without any comorbid diagnosis, and in many cases coming at things from the angle of "what helps me the most" can give a clearer picture of your needs as well as what's going on without the pressure to stick with a particular label.

**It's not a perfect solution but if there are things like clothes that aren't used by everyone we suggest putting a note with them not to throw them away or donate them. It's something we used when we realized we had been donating things people used before we had communication down.

***Dysphoria especially physical dysphoria can get complicated when not everyone has the same thoughts on the body. You mentioned your voice being dysphoria inducing, it might help to look into voice training for transfems, there are similar guides for things kike dealing with facial hair that also might be helpful.

[danzohater]

Hello....If you don't mind, can I ask your top 5 (or top 3) favorite characters from Jujutsu Kaisen? And why you loved them? And your top 5 favorite moments from the series? Sorry if you've answered this before.....

hi omg YES thank u for sending i haven't ever answered this! also i'm curious about your top 5 for both!!!! <3 (sorry this is so long 😭)

top 5 characters and why i love them...

1. geto, he is hands down my ultimate favourite. i think he has the most interesting back story, and i love the whole trope of a a character that has gone through something terrible with someone else but one of them became out 'bad', the other 'good'. he's my biggest comfort character!!!! i also like that his morals never changed, it's just his vision of who should be protected did (which i think is understandable, albeit completely wrong). i also love that he's amazing at karate as well, and i love his humour!

2. higuruma!!!!! like geto, i just completely adore his CT. i actually think objectively it's the coolest and most impressive one and i love when gege gets a bit more technical in explaining stuff (like with choso's blood manipulation too), also judgeman's design is AMAZING imo

3. rn shoko, i LOVEEE HER! once again i just think her character design is really cool, i love rct as a technique and i ❤️ characters as healers. i loved her in hidden inventory, i always think about her trying to teach geto and gojo rct in the most nonsense way. i'd say gege give her more screen time but i need her alive and happy with utahime by the end of the manga...

4. YUTA!!!!! once again i just love his character design, he is so cutesy. i love how sweet and adorable and awkward he can be, and ALL of his friendships are so cute. one of the coolest character designs in the manga, and the most recent chapter with his new domain?!!!! i'm still not quite sure if i prefer that or higuruma's domain more, i THINK i prefer deadly sentencing

5. TORN BETWEEN CHOSO AND MAKI, but ultimately i think choso... honestly once again i just love his design, i like the whole idea of what makes humanity and the way he brings in curses vs humans (it works better knowing jogo, dagon, etc all mourned other curses and said to meet again). overall he's charming and funny, nothing endears to me more than a character that just wants to protect someone. the best big brother. i love that he cries a lot, i want to give him a hug.

AND my top 5 moments... (warning for manga spoilers!!!!!!!!!!)

1. nanami's death. as much as i hated it and i love him, the voice acting was INCREDIBLE in that episode. the piano, the way he speaks so quietly, the cut scenes from it being so beautiful to the noises of him being in shibuya. i first watched it drunk and i replayed it honestly about 20 times, i even called my dad and made him watch it while i cried 😭 ... THE FACT THAT JUST BEFORE IT YUJI IS HAVING A BREAKDOWN... ugh all of it!!!!!! everyone's VA was immaculate... the emotion behind yuji's 'what the hell are you mahito' was incredible, and hearing mahito scream back for the first time made my stomach drop. incredible, amazing. i've seen that so many times but just hearing nanami's 'i'm tired, exhausted even' makes me start to tear up. god BLESS the voice actors for that scene

2. yuji vs mahito, specifically the imagery and how yuji is portrayed with the wolves. so beautifully animated, incredible. mahito throwing snow at yuji was sad but satisfying

3. mai's death and maki's awakening... okay so off the bat maki is amazing. seeing mai answer back her father and then sit over maki broke my heart. they're both just kids who love their sibling. they are just so tragic, maki's 'okay i get it, now come back' after mai says as long as i'm around you'll never develop. i love that scene because it shows that maki is already willing to go against all of the odds, even before complete heavenly restriction. i remember her telling yuji she would kill her clan (?) in jjk0 and even believing her then. the burn marks also add a lot to this scene i think. it was just really sadly cathartic to see the resolution to them as sisters, and heartbreaking. the first panel where she open's her eyes telling mai to wake up BREAKS ME. the panic on her face. also the line 'destroy everything big sister'. the fact she does. UGHHH!!!!

4. hmmm... choso's fake memory. the fight scene was really cool, but specifically, the part where yuji is eating with choso and his brothers. it's beautiful. the switch up in the way it's animated, looking like it's on an old vhs tape. so emotional. seeing yuji feeding choso and calling him big brother, just to cut to choso punching something and crying like he can't breathe. ugh i love them

5. the fight scene in hidden inventory... i just love it, i think it sets up all three of their personalities so well. i love how easily it portrays geto's personality: his morals, his ego, the sense of superiority he has. it perfectly displays his and gojo's friendship, their differences. we get to see them so in sync as yaga walks in and they both look away stretching, the way they both antagonise each other in sync before that

[skepsiss]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by @strangersteddierthings, I've never even thought about half of these questions, so.... we're gunna go on a journey together. I MISSED SEVERAL QUESTIONS LMAO. LEMME UPDATE.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

18 (I only post like 1/3 of my fics on AO3)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

66,922. I pay such little attention to this kinda stuff xD

3. What fandoms do you write for?

A lot... and a lot more than what is listed on my AO3. If we're friends I'll literally just message you a 2k+ fic in a DM for funsies.

Stranger Things (TV 2016) (8)

Overwatch (Video Game) (5)

Teen Wolf (TV) (1)

Castlevania (Cartoon 2017-2021) (1)

Critical Role (Web Series) (1)

Promare (2019) (1)

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018) (1)

DC Comics / Batman (Tim Drake / Kon-El)

Orphan Black

Marvel (Steve/Tony)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Basket Ball Shorts

Roadrat: The Fire that Covered the World

The Comfort of Warmth (Lio/Galo)

Fifty-fifty (Roadhog / Junkrat)

Perspective (Caleb / Essek)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes. As soon as I see them I will reply with a thank you or to engage with someone's question/musings/etc.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably a Roadrat one. It's been a while since I've read my work, but The Things They Lost is a Roadrat fic where I explored a bunch of like... when Junkrat lost his arm and stuff like that. Brutal, tbh. Next closest is my Alucard (OT3) Castlevania fic where he is BIG SAD about Trevor and Sypha not being there. Nights Spent Alone.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

UUuhhhuhuhuh..... I mostly write sad shit LOL. Milkshakes has a happy ending. It's a 2 part modern-day Steddie fic about the boys asking each other out on a date over Instagram.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've never seen any hate on my fics before.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Uhh, yeah. I do. PWP or With Plot. I like full stories that have smut that BELONGS there, but then we've got just straight-up PWP. That is what Basketball short is tbh.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No, never written a crossover. I've written lots of AUs though.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No. Dunno how I'd figure that out.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope. Dunno what that would look like tbh.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Steddie; for right now. My other top 3 are Harley/Ivy, Tim/Kon-El, and Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

NO IDEA. Lol, all my unfinished WIPs are either ones I have no interest in finishing (Roadrat), or ones I can complete faith in being able to finish (Steddie)

16. What are your writing strengths?

Speed. I can compose a story very quickly and put it together.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I never promote myself/share. I'm really bad at sharing my works. Additionally, I'm bad at finishing things before I lose interest.... eep.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Uuhh maybe. I def have some Ancient Greek and Latin in my up-coming Robin (Stobin platonic) fic.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I'm not sure... maybe Batman (Tim/Jason or Tim/Kon). I RP'd A LOT from ages 13-18 and had like 5-8 rps going at once for a whole bunch of fandoms. (Naruto, OCs in the Star Wars universe, Tim/Kon, and more I can't remember atm).

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Ooohhh, I dunno. I'm bad at picking favourites. Right now I'm pretty proud of my Because I Want You Steddie fic. It's Steve and Eddie as 30-year-olds with kids. They broke up in their 20s and are trying to get back together in their 30s. Eddie has a complete breakdown in it, but Steve is there to tell him that he loves him.

I don't think about this stuff at all xDDD Fic writing is just a pass time for me. This will be the first time EVER in over 18 years of writing fic that I've EVER participated in an exchange/Big Bang. I'll tag @medusapelagia @oh-stars @br0ck-eddie @kallisto-k

[hellolovers13]

I've published my first fic after not writing for almost ten years in September. Never would've believed I'd have twelve stories and some 90k words by the end of 2022.

So, I thought I'd make a little list of all my works this year (tbh this has been sitting in my drafts for a while, but I figured the end of the year would be a good time to post this.)

Once again, thank you so much @liberty-barnes for enduring my crazy writing schedule and all the last minute beta-ing you've had to do.

💞Up on the Roof with a School Girl Crush💞

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | Mature | 4k | Meet Cute

Harry was just trying to get some work done and have a quiet night in. He did not expect to become host to a drunken Louis, who had overestimated his Halloween costume's ability to fly.

👗I Hope We Never Change👗

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | Explicit | 13k | Angst

“I just wanted to try how it feels.” “The clothes?” Niall asked. Harry nodded. “Is that, that's too weird right, I shouldn't-” “Hey, stop it. I told you already, it's not weird. It's just how you feel. That's okay. You can try whatever you want, okay. And you can always, always talk to me. Remember that.” or Harry is confused about everything, so is Louis. At least they have Niall.

🪴Plant New Seeds🪴

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | T | 2k | Meet Cute

L: i think i might have a watering ghost. There’s water on that plant and it sure wasn’t me Z: 👻💦 either that or you’re just sleepwalking. Best guess is still the magical plant thing. Lemme know if you find your princess 😘 or Someone was desperately trying to keep Louis' poor houseplant alive.

🏥haunted🏥

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | M | 1k | TW: Miscarriage, Stillbirth

Before 24 weeks it's considered a miscarriage, not a stillbirth. No matter that he had to go through labour. No matter that he was holding his child in his arms.

🍼fragile line🍼 (second part to haunted)

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | M | 2k | TW: Talk of Abortion and Suicide, Mention of previous Miscarriage, Stillbirth

Now, five different fonts told him the same thing. Pregnant.

🌃Chicago🌃

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | Gen | 3.5k | Getting Back Together

They hadn't seen each other in four years, why was Louis still writing songs about Harry? Larry take on the song Chicago

🎄Every Snowflake Is Different (Just Like You) 🎄

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | E | 20k | Meet Cute

Turns out, getting snowed in with your not quite One-Night Stand wasn’t actually that bad. But the snow wouldn’t last forever. Was there a chance for love even after the snow had melted?

👄Slow Hands👄

Harry/Niall Harry/Louis | E 3k | Smut

“Wait. So when you say you’re genderfluid, that means sometimes you’re a girl, right?” “Uh, yeah.” “So when I asked what you’d do if you were a girl and you said ‘Niall’. Does that apply now?”

📞Love In Conversation 📞

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | T | 5k | Meet Cute

King Arthur Baking Hotline. Your bread fell flat. Your cookies crumbled. Who do you turn to? The King Arthur Baker's Hotline. or Louis has a severe baking breakdown. Thankfully, he gets help from baking-hotline operator Harry.

❄️love drunk, waiting on a miracle ❄️ Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | T | 15.6k | Coffeshop AU

Harry has a bit of a crush on a customer. Thankfully, the feeling is mutual. These are their first 24 days together.

🍆Pretty Miscalculations🍆

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | E | 5.2k | Smut

After rudely interrupting Louis’ Christmas shopping, Louis offers Harry a choice and an opportunity to try out his new purchases. Inspired by this post

🍼known it all this time (of tiktok's and baby making)🍼

Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson | E | 1.7k | Smut

If Harry doesn't stop sending Louis those videos, who knows what's gonna happen.

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

can i ask you something? what makes this different from s4 with buck and eddie? didn't you say you lost faith after s4, so how was it restored and how did what happen in the s6 finale not make you lose faith in what would have been the series finale, they got buck and eddie together with random women they have no chemistry with?

I feel like I've answered this question a hundred times but, okay, once more with feeling! A one and a two and a three!

My faith was restored with season four after I a) calmed down b) took a step back and had more time to reflect and c) wasn't having a mental breakdown. As I've said before, my personal life was bad at the time, so when my fictional TV show didn't give me what I wanted and it was one of the few things giving me an escape/joy at the time, I didn't handle it well. But when I took a step back, chatted with others, and had some time to reflect, I realized I had been too impatient in my expectations. Season five was fantastic for me re: Eddie's growth and healing, as well as Buck approaching romantic relationships. I was honestly surprised they didn't get together in the season five finale, that was my expectation and it seemed properly built up, but then we had weird pacing in season six in regards to Buck and Eddie especially so I really suspect BTS stuff was going on.

I don't lose faith because I have seen what happens when people rush shit for a finale because they are cancelled or might be cancelled. You do not have to agree with my opinion on this. You are welcome to say, well if this was the finale I'd be pissed! But I, personally, would have been upset if they'd rushed my getting together moment because they were scared they'd get cancelled.

Additionally, again, we do not know what's going on behind the scenes. Clearly stuff was going on during season six. I don't mean to put on a tin hat here, but it's possible Fox said "no." It's possible Tim said "no." It's possible there was other shit going on that I can't even guess on because I'm not involved, that led to a "no" that will become a "yes" now that they've moved to ABC. We do not know.

I have not lost faith because guess what! It was NOT the series finale. I do not care for the "almosts" of other timelines. This is the timeline I'm in, thanks, and what matters to me is not what might have happened or what almost happened but what did happen. In my opinion, the writing team chose to take a risk and not get Buddie together, not compromise their relationship, in the hopes they'd get picked up somewhere else. It's a risky move, but once you get Buddie together you can't take it back, and so I respect that they stuck to their guns.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH ME. But this is my opinion of why I'm not upset. As a writer, I respect when someone has the integrity to hold to their vision even if it means taking a risk.

(And frankly I didn't like it for a series finale for any of the characters, not just Buddie! As much as I love all of them. I want to see the Madney wedding, I want Athena to quit her damn job, I want Chim to get a storyline not tied to Maddie... etc.)

As far as where the boys are now, given this was not the series finale:

Back when it looked like Eddie would get with Ana, a lot of us were excited, because we felt it was important Eddie date other people before he dates Buck. Shannon is the only relationship he's ever had and we felt that for his own sake, his confidence, his maturity, he date at least one other person.

But that's not how his relationship with Ana went. He did it to give Chris a parent, he did it before he was ready, he did it because he felt he had to. Whatever sexuality you believe Eddie to have, the entire Ana relationship was steeped in comphet. It didn't give him confidence or help him learn to have an adult relationship. So Eddie needs, in my opinion, to date around a little. For himself, because he wants to. Then he'll have the confidence to be with Buck.

Buck's relationship with Natalia will, I hope, give him the growth I wanted him to have with Taylor. He did a lot of growth regarding his platonic family this season, but it was also made more clear to him than ever that he wants to be a father and a husband. But as we see he once again let someone else pick his couch. This time, Natalia. She seems like the band-aid solution to his post-death trauma, but the audience has already been set up to see that Eddie is what's right for Buck, not her. It's clear to me from the writing that they had to hedge their bets, again for whatever BTS reason, but they are still priming the audience to know Natalia's not right for Buck, Eddie is.

Personally, given Natalia's reaction to Buck's relationship with Kameron and Connor, I think Christopher will be the breaking point. Buck will never, ever choose anyone else over Christopher. And I don't think Natalia, who didn't seem super comfy with kids in the first place, will like that her boyfriend has a parental and unshakable relationship with someone else's kid. And who can blame her? It's hard to build a life with someone when they're co-parenting another kid already. It's kinda the number one concern divorced parents have when dating again - I already have a child, and I share that child with someone else, but I'm not romantically with that someone else, how can a new person accept that? It's hard! It's uncomfy! It's difficult!

Again, we saw Buck fall asleep on Eddie's couch. Eddie is Buck's true partner. Buck is already a father (and possibly will be again, I think it's looking more and more likely that Buck and Eddie will adopt a child once they get together, Buck loves Chris but clearly also wants a baby - c'mon writers give me a safe haven baby), to Christopher.

Just as he realized with his coma dream that Bobby is his true father, the one he already has, and that means he can forgive his parents for his own sake and meet them where they're at, because he knows from where his true support comes (Bobby especially, but the rest of the 118 as well)... so season seven will I think be Buck realizing that Eddie is his true partner and Chris is his true child. And Natalia is not Taylor. Natalia is a good person. She's a selfless person who helps people come to terms with their death and makes such a terrifying experience joyful and loving. Buck needs to reject the "perfect woman" because no matter how "perfect" she might be, she can never be what he wants. No one can, because Eddie and Chris already have his heart.

So that's why I'm excited. I'm excited for Eddie to get confident in his ability to be a romantic partner. I'm excited for Buck to reject the "perfect woman" because he needs to realize he already has what he wants.

I don't think it's like the season four finale. The season four finale they should not have gotten together. It was too soon. It would've been steeped in the trauma they both just experienced (and have yet to talk about heheheheh). I think that season six just gave us what we hoped would happen when Eddie dated Ana and Buck dated Taylor but Eddie especially was acting from a place of comphet and trauma, and Buck LITERALLY DATED TAYLOR BECAUSE EDDIE NEARLY DIED, it was a MASSIVE trauma response and he continued to be with her because she wouldn't leave him, even though he was absolutely miserable with her to the point where the intensely-loyal Buck drunkenly kissed someone else (I think that kiss was equally about Eddie, Eddie didn't show up even though Buck invited him, and Buck clearly is angry and missing him).

Season six finale gave us Eddie learning to ask someone out, Eddie trying to date casually, Eddie learning how to be an adult in adult romantic relationships. And it gave us the "perfect" woman for Buck, while ALSO showing us how she ISN'T what he really needs, to set us up for Buck realizing nobody will ever work out because nobody will be Eddie.

That's why I'm not worried. They're two entirely different scenarios. And while you may not agree with how the writing team chose to handle the possible cancellation and that is allowed, I do not agree with you, I will never agree with you, and people who do not agree with me need to stop dropping into my inbox because they will simply be deleted and also, a little bit, mocked. Privately. In silly voices. To my cats.

(Not saying that's you nonny, but I have had some rather annoying people drop me a line.)

So there you go. I got my faith back with season four because I was impatient and I just needed time to reflect, and I have not lost faith here because I believe they're two different scenarios, I like to give the benefit of the doubt to an excellent writing team because I don't know what BTS bullshit is going on, and I would've done the same damn thing and not compromised my vision of how I wanted Buck and Eddie to get together and taken that risk.

[phillipsgraves]

kisses scattered along hardened jaw to try and sooth + grazie

started making this, had a breakdown over the intricacies. bon appetite. tldr: graves has a dilemma, apollo's there to pick up the pieces. somewhat.

Apollo's never seen the base so quiet.

Even during late nights where he's walking around during his off hours, or perhaps holed up in his office as he catches up on the day's paperwork, there'd still be some of the Shadows about-- some drunk, others just not familiar with the concept of inside voices.

But tonight? Not a sound. Even the firing range lies undisturbed, the night air for once free of gunfire and the sound of bullet casings flying.

He supposes he should be thankful-- after their last mission, the only thing Apollo wants right now is to crawl under the sheets and spend the rest of the night (and some of the following morning) inside the peaceful serenity of his bedroom. Except… he can't. Not yet. The reason being that exact mission and a certain someone nearly fumbling the objective and killing just about everyone in the room (and anyone caught within a three-mile radius).

A certain Commander Graves and his penchant for getting distracted at the most inopportune of times.

A cold gust of wind blows past, and Apollo hugs his jacket a little closer. A sleek, black windbreaker bearing his surname and Shadow Company's insignia. Standard issue, of course.

Regardless, his commanding officer had refused to even look in his direction after that… which wasn't exactly ideal given their positions. Their quote-unquote relationship was pretty much an open secret around the base already, and it's clear that no one has the inclination to be bothered by it, for several reasons.

One, no one was going to walk up and spout protocol in front of Graves. And two, not a single man or woman on this base had the time nor the energy to care when they're all too busy doing their duties (and, occasionally, each other, if the gossip in the mess hall was to be believed). But even then, the man would rather act like some high-school student about it, and Apollo did not care for it.

His searching eventually comes to fruition when he catches a figure standing on the track, almost as if considering running a lap. In these conditions and in the dead of night? No one else but their dear Commander.

"Fancy meeting you here, stranger," Apollo greets, and he has to stop himself from laughing when Graves jumps in surprise.

"Wasn't expecting to still see you up, lieutenant," he replies, trying to maintain his commanding tone. "Can't sleep?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Apollo remarks, as he looks around. "First time I've seen someone try to jog when it's about to snow." He crosses his arms, watching as the other man merely shrugs. "I was hoping we could talk, actually, now that you're not actually trying to run from me."

Graves opens his mouth to speak-- shuts it as he tears his fingers through his hair. "I was just thinking, I guess. And I'd rather not be, so… here I am. Thought I'd go clear my mind." He faces Apollo again. "What happened tonight shouldn't have happened at all."

"Agreed," Apollo replies, raising an eyebrow. "So, what did happen?"

"I don't know," Graves musters out, and he takes a deep breath before steeling his jaw. "I got distracted." Another sigh, as wills for the words to come out. "I don't know, you grabbed my hand and I just blanked. Couldn't think of anything else."

He paces around, then, groaning in frustration as he continues. Then, he slaps a hand against his forehead. "I probably looked like an idiot in front of the guys. How can I be a leader if I can't even take point without acting like a schoolgirl? I cant let you distract me like that."

Apollo hums, and to Graves' dismay-- he's actually laughing this time. "Why, Phillip," he starts, taking one of his hands. "Are you breaking up with me?"

His eyes widen. "What? No! I mean-- are we even together?" Graves shakes his head. "No, that's-- that's not what I meant," he says, weakly punching his shoulder when Apollo laughs harder. "Asshole. I'm being serious here."

"Funny, so was I." Apollo shakes his head, reaching out to carefully smooth out the other man's hair. "I'm just trying to tell you that you worry too much about nothing."

"Everyone here looks to me to be able to make the decisions. It's not nothing. We could've died if you hadn't done something." Despite himself, Graves leans into his touch. He frowns, looking off towards the distance. "I just… how long does it take before I stop feeling-- well, wrong?"

Ah. That was the problem.

Exhaling softly, Apollo leans in with a gentle hand on his chin, watching as Graves shuts his eyes in response. Then, he starts peppering slow, soft kisses against his Commander's jawline. "As long as it takes, amore. It's no straight line, I'm afraid." He presses one more kiss to the corner of his lips. "Probably not reassuring, I know."

Slowly... slowly. Graves releases the tension as he unclenches his jaw, expression going slack. "On the contrary, at least I know it's not just me. I'm tired."

Apollo inhales, pulling away with a much more gentle smile. He slowly lets out the breath he'd been holding. "Mm, it's exhausting."

Graves shakes his head. "Almost wish you just offered to make me feel better with sex."

Apollo laughs. "Would it make you feel better?"

For the first time that night, Graves breaks out into a grin. "Maybe a little. If you let me be in charge."

Apollo breathes out a mock gasp, doing his best to sound absolutely scandalized. "Why, Commander," he starts, as he links their arms together. He's unable to stop his laughing-- it makes Graves laugh in return. "I thought you'd never ask."

[findstenicht]

15 questions for 5 mutuals

Rule: You have to answer truthfully and you have to tag 5 mutuals in your post.

I was tagged by @apoloniaspiegelgold, thank you!! <3

1. Are you named after anyone?

nope! although my dad used to claim that i was named after some slavic actress/model/wife-of-Some-Guy whose name i always forget

2. When was the last time you cried? Why?

the weekend before the last, just your average sunday afternoon mental breakdown

3. Do you believe in Soulmates? 

sort of, but also not really? i do believe that there are certain people who are supposed to be in your life at certain times but that doesnt necessarily mean "forever"

4. Do you drink liquor? 

rarely - im not opposed to it, i just dont often do things where there's alcohol involved

5. What do you usually daydream about?

listen. i have a very specific daydream universe that i always come back to but. you know how you sometimes read a story and can pretty much guess what's wrong with the author? describing my daydreams would be like that except you wouldnt have to guess at all, it'd be the most on-the-nose thing you've ever seen. might as well just post a list of everything that ever went wrong in my life and it'd be less embarrassing

6. First thing you notice about other people?

their voice!! (i mean obviously lots of times you see people before you hear them, but i dont really notice anything more specific than a general impression about appearances at first glance, yk?)

7. What's your favorite quote from a TV show/movie/book?

does a poem count? cause the only thing i can think of is "Es gibt keine Schuld. Es gibt nur den Ablauf der Zeit." from tucholsky's poem aus, which i havent stopped thinking about since i read it nine years ago (and for which i still havent found an english translation, sorry!)

8. Some of your pet peeves?

absolutely hate when people overexplain stuff to me that i know, that you could reasonably assume i know, and that i've told you i know. i know a lot of times people mean well (which is why i wont get actively mad at anyone), but if i already told you i know about something, you really dont have to explain it to me like it's brand new information. (looking at all the guys who heard about my field of study and then went on to describe the most basic sociological concepts to me)

9. Where’s the next place on your travel bucket list and why?

ireland!! i have no specific plans but i've wanted to go to ireland ever since i was a kid and saw the photos my parents took on their trip to ireland in the 90s

10. Where were you born? 

in a small town in northern germany :)

11. What are your hobbies?

nothing exciting tbh - video games, talking to friends, going for walks, and writing (<- i say, barely having written anything in months)

12. What's the best joke you've ever heard?

bold of you to assume i can remember jokes

13. What’s your love language? 

words of affirmation all the way - if i love you in any way, you will hear about it. thats both a threat and a promise.

14. Topics you never get tired of to talk about.

dragon age, what i'd vaguely describe as online media literacy, and social movements (especially far right movements, which i know sounds weird, but for some reason the FR became my main academic interest)

15. What would be the title if your life were a movie? 

not sure if it'd actually fit, but a couple years ago i scribbled down the phrase "the grand stupidity of the general state of things" and ive just been waiting to use that as a title for anything ever since; so yeah sure, why not, title for a movie about my life!

also im gonna cheat here and only tag @78669 (only if you want to ofc!!) bc i love my mutuals but never talk to them and i dont want to annoy them :( (obviously everyone feel free to just consider themselves tagged, if you want to do this!)