#i’ve tried online dating but it always feels weird to me who hasn’t experienced that kind of connection in any capacity before

[girlspecimen]

i’m sooooo tired of being sexually frustrated but i’m literally too shy to date much less seek out casual relationships…… having no experience with romance at this point in my life SUCKS!!! idk what i’m supposed to do because i’m new to being gay and i haven’t even dated anyone ever >_> fucking annoying!!!

[catharsis-in-a-bottle]

A very long post about romantic attraction, social situations, sexual orientation, etc.

In short, a slightly organized brain dump involving some of my personal experiences and hopefully some takeaways. 

There are many things I’ve learned, both in general and about myself, simply by investigating online resources about the acespec and arospec communities.

Some of these were things that I think I already knew internally, but that I had never voiced before because I didn’t have the words or the terms to describe them. 

I’ve learned about different types of attraction, and I’ve realized that I can categorize them internally. For example, I’ve definitely mistaken platonic attraction with romantic attraction in the past. The term ‘squish’ - basically a sort of friend crush - can be applied to several of my experiences, and honestly, it really explains my conscious disconnect towards romance. I’ve realized that wanting to get to know someone better does not equate wanting to date them.

I’ve learned about other arospec identities, like greyromantic and demiromantic, and how they might apply to me. I’ve realized that my romantic attraction has essentially been limited to one person, and that otherwise my desires have been platonic - again, wanting to get to know someone better because I find them interesting, or else having a deep admiration/respect for them. None of these things are romantic attraction, and it’s been very relieving to discover this. It makes sense. 

I think I’ve always had a weird feeling towards all the societal cues and expectations associated with romance. Why are certain things associated with wanting to form a romantic relationship? As a child, I thought I was a girl and I knew, just from the social code of school life, that becoming friends with boys would be seen as some romantic advance (despite the fact that we were all literally elementary schoolers.) In first grade, everyone thought I had a crush on this kid I was friends with, and I always laughed at them. I was just looking for friends. Friends isn’t a freaking gender-specific term. I think I’ve always kind of tried to “play it cool” with the boys, especially in middle school, simply because I didn’t really want anyone to think “haha, so-and-so is dating so-and-so” just because I had a conversation with another person. And what sucked is that when I thought I might be bi, I kind of consciously did the same thing around girls as well - I tried to be socially adept and “cool” and not too overly open, just because of all of these social codes that indicate romantic intent. 

One of these strange codes that confused me was this: “if so-and-so has a crush on you, you should totally date them!” What if I didn’t like so-and-so back? Why the hell would I date them? But something that I witnessed happening quite often in middle school was kids finding out someone ‘liked’ them and then wanting to ‘like’ that person back, despite not having formed attraction in the first place. It felt like a puzzle. It was something that I observed and maybe sort of over-analyzed, because dissecting social situations and laying out pieces of the puzzles on the floor is something I just do. I reckon that kids were not only beginning to experience romantic/sexual attraction individually, but that they were also recognizing the social standards that were beginning to form. The first batch of kids wanted to form relationships (if not long-lasting ones), and so they did; other kids who were experiencing attraction subsequently felt a little bit of pressure to get with someone fast. The complaints of “I’m so sad I don’t have a boyfriend” and similar phrases rang free throughout the hallways. In short, allo- and heteronormativity seems to have influenced a lot of people. Which is fine for many, but also restricting for those in the lgbtq+ community (but of course, the jungle of school life does not intend to cater to the minorities) It was simply a thing that happened, and a thing I’m seeing a bit more clearly now. 

[Also, the concept of using the word ‘like’ to describe adolescent romantic interest in another person always confused me. I never got why ‘like’ had romantic intent - I liked people that I’d formed friendships with. No one ever outright said “I have a crush on this person.” They just said like.]

There’s only one occasion on which I’ve known how to react emotionally to someone telling me that he had romantic interest in me, and that’s only because I personally ‘liked’ them back. I had already imagined that situation, and I welcomed it. [Amusingly enough, we both kind of ignored our confessions for a while, but eventually we formed an actual relationship. Ah, the joys of social situations.] But in terms of other people admitting their interest, which hasn’t happened all that much but has still happened, I’ve had very mixed reactions. One time a couple of years ago, it was my friend whom I cared very deeply about. I didn’t really know how she knew that I didn’t have interest in dating her, but somehow she did, and she told me so. This made my reaction less clouded and more simple, and it wasn’t really an uncomfortable situation; I confirmed easily enough that I didn’t have any interest in dating her and the situation resolved nicely. Basically, although it wasn’t an ideal occurrence, it didn’t affect our friendship in any way.

But there have been other times where it’s been extremely uncomfortable. Once, I joined an after-school club in which I barely knew anyone. During one of our meetings, we took a walk to a local coffee shop to just sort of hang out. And this girl - I’ll call her ‘C’ for online purposes - sat down and started talking to me. This was fine - why not have a bit of conversation? She talked about K-pop a lot (which eventually got very annoying lol) and just seemed like she wanted to be my friend, and internally I told myself well, I don’t really know her and she doesn’t seem like the kind of person I want to hang out with but we’re at a coffee shop and I’m bored. At the end of our coffee shop trip, C asked for my phone number. I didn’t take this to mean anything beyond the fact that she wanted to talk to me more, and though I felt inclined to decline her offer, I really didn’t want to hurt her feelings (again, the joys of social situations.) So now she had my phone number. Here’s where things got weird. For one thing, she sent me a bunch of random pictures of K-pop singers, saying things such as “omg he’s so hot” which was already uncomfortable in itself. Me, being a bit of an idiot, didn’t stand up for myself, or even block her number. Then, she came out to me as pansexual and told me she had a crush on me. When she told me this, she did not imply in any way that she didn’t have an intent of dating me or something, so I was very, very uncomfortable for several reasons. Firstly, I didn’t know her that well - I didn’t really even consider her a friend. Secondly, I definitely did not want to date her because I didn’t really know her. And thirdly, I didn’t know how to react. I think I said something along the lines of “Oh, well, um, okay, I don’t have a crush on you” and left it at that. For the final puncher, she started finding me in the hallways after school as she left for the bus and giving me hugs. I am typically not a physically affectionate person, so this was just weird as hell for me. Again, like an idiot, I didn’t stand up for myself, and so I just kind of stood there... all of this took place right before my school shut down because of the pandemic, so I was literally saved by everyone getting kicked out of school. Thankfully, I did not see her anymore, and finally I blocked her number as I should have done much, much earlier. [I didn’t intend to make that story so long, but there it is anyway.]

The point is, I found it extremely strange that someone I barely knew had a crush on me. This feeling was amplified when, a couple months ago, something else happened: someone on Instagram, who I didn’t know at all, expressed interest in dating me. I was extremely confused. Apparently they sort of knew me because we were in the same school system, but I’d still never met them.

I simply mean to say that romantic attraction drives people to lengths that I personally find strange and inconceivable. Looking into the aromantic community has taught me that essentially all of what we deem ‘romance’ is socially constructed. The rules, the implications, the things you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to flirt with the person you ‘like’. You’re supposed to get all nervous around them. You’re supposed to only form a relationship with one person or else you’re considered weird and even perverted. Flirting seems like a ritual, nervousness seems like a prison - why can we not do away with the expectations and simply do what feels comfortable to us individually? I have learned about the term relationship anarchy, which means doing away with and rebelling against all of these expectations. The expectation of monogamy, of ritualistic performances, of a certain type of romance, of what actions are deemed romantic or sexual, of having to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship, etc. I find that relationship anarchy is a very appealing concept. People should have whatever relationships or lack thereof that they wish. Queerplatonic relationships should be normalized. Loveless aromanticism should be understood and not demonized. Polyamorous people should not be alienated. In short, these societal expectations that we’ve established have no purpose beyond defining what a “real relationship” is, and by ensuring that romantically loving one other person is what “makes us human” and deems us “normal” in society. Platonic and familial love should not be put below romantic love, yet we’ve created a hierarchy. Me platonically loving my true friends should not be “less than” me romantically loving my boyfriend. And people who just don’t want any sort of relationships or attachments to other people should be respected, because they are not negatively affecting anyone in any way. Except by hurting the feelings of bigots, and I’d pay anyone to do that any day if I had the money. 

Though I love my friends and my boyfriend in different ways, I realize that I have extremely similar criteria for a friend versus a partner. Beyond my general confusion regarding romance as a concept, this is another thing that has led me to believe I am arospec. It’s always been very difficult for me to imagine romantically loving someone who I couldn’t consider a friend - how, then, would my relationship even work? One thing about society’s ideas of romance that I do resonate with is the fact that your partner should be your best friend. [For me personally. I’m not just making a general claim.]  It’s hard to see myself dating someone who I hadn’t known before, who I hadn’t befriended, who I hadn’t considered a best friend because we knew each other and had come to form an actual bond. I would be happy spending my life with someone who I considered both a best friend and a romantic partner. I don’t think this is something that is of absolute necessity to me - I could see myself without a romantic partner, which is another major reason I’m beginning to consider myself arospec [maybe greyromantic or demiromantic.] And of course, I have conflated romantic and platonic attraction in the past; upon reflection, I think I’ve only experienced genuine romantic attraction once, which of course also prompts me towards arospec. 

Many resources - tumblr accounts dedicated to aspec experiences and questions, online stories, even just bare definitions of terms I didn’t know - have been extremely helpful in not only my understanding of myself, but also of the variety of experiences that lie with others. There is a beautiful array of diversity out there in the ways people think and feel, and it feels as if I have discovered a gold mine. [Hehe - do we place value on gold in the same way we place value on romance?] Simply learning about the multitudes of people out there with so many different experiences has been wonderful.

Upon reflection, I’ve also begun to wonder if I am acespec. Society is at it again - placing inherent value in certain concepts, associating expectations between categories. Specifically, the categories of romance and sexual attraction. In most movies with romantic subplots - which is a shit ton - sex seems to always be attached to the development of a romantic relationship. Here’s the thing - most people don’t think about the Split Attraction Model (SAM), which separates romantic and sexual attraction. It’s either you’re attracted to someone, or you aren’t. But for those who do use the SAM for whatever reason, romantic and sexual attraction are separate terms [though they can of course be intertwined.] I find it strange that romance sort of necessarily leads to sex - why? You don’t need sex to have a healthy relationship - but of course, many people want it and so it happens. And because sexual attraction is often tied to peoples’ romantic partners, sex is just associated with romance. [And also apparently sexual attraction can happen towards random people, which I didn’t know lmao.] The SAM is useful for many [not necessarily all] aspecs, as it creates this differentiation between wanting to date someone and wanting to, well, do the do with them. Through investigating common terms used by aspec people, I also find the terms aesthetic and sensual attraction useful, because I believe I have conflated aesthetic and sensual attraction with sexual attraction. [Also, in the past, for some reason I didn’t really know that sexual orientation referred to people that you literally wanted to have sex with. I thought it was just the people that you ‘liked’.] These specific terms have been quite useful to me personally, as I’ve realized that I really can tell the difference between the types of attraction that I experience. The issue is, I’m just not sure about my sexual attraction - have I actually experienced it, and if so, in what ways? It does get frustrating to question so much, but it’s an interesting exploration all the same. 

Am I actually acespec? Maybe not. But even if I’m not, I’ve still learned a lot about acespec people, and again it’s wonderful to read about how many different experiences exist in this world. Looking back on my past has been interesting. Thinking about my present and my future is intriguing. Wondering what I am and where I’ll go is a mixed bag of emotions, but it’s here and I’m stuck with it. I think I’m probably arospec, and that discovery is honestly relieving. It feels like a weight lifted. It clicks into place. I’m just going to keep living and figuring out what the hell my sexual orientation is, and I’ll vibe with it, I guess. The general, whole, main point is: learning about these communities is an enlightening experience, and it has perhaps reshaped part of my view of society. And also, I write too much. 

If you read this whole thing, I commend you for making it through my massive overshare. I hope you gained something from it, whether that be entertainment or knowledge or simple resonance with an idea. 

[lblwlw]

Hello!

First post here, but I have a long history with tumblr. Tumblr has always sort of been a place for me to escape because few of my friends ever had my URL/followed me. This time it’s a little more important.  

CW: Brief mentions of sexual occurrences with men, brief talk of depression, nothing too serious or graphic

TLDR; I’ve suppressed my gayness on accident for basically my whole life, identified as bi, married a man, realized I’m gay, am now figuring out my life.

Warning, this is a LONG post.

I have always been been fascinated with sexuality, more specifically same sex relationships. I was always interested in the idea of being in a same sex relationship but told myself, “no, that’s not me”. Eventually in middle school I played with the idea of being bisexual when I learned what that meant. I said, perfect. I can tell my internet friends I like girls, too, but I won’t have to tell anyone else and I can just worry about boys then at school and for my parents. I had a few crushes on boys, but the thought of actually dating them terrified me and so I very rarely did more than think about them a lot and just tell my friends that I was “too ugly” or whatever else, or “too awkward.” What they didn’t know was that through MySpace I met a girl and had a huge crush on her. We talked a lot and we said we were dating. I never really told anyone. That eventually fizzled out. 

Over time I got bullied a couple times because classmates found my MySpace and found that I identified as bi. I quickly learned it was something I didn’t want to talk about. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression throughout all of school. In high school I steadily crushed on one boy almost all four years, but looking back I think I really just enjoyed and wanted to be his friend. Or I just kind of picked him as the one I liked the most so I had a crush to be a normal girl. I dated two boys the entirety of high school, the first one I broke up with because once he finally asked me out (after I “liked him”) and we did relationship things, like kissing, I was not all about it. It didn’t feel right. I thought, maybe I just didn’t like him. Next boyfriend, I wasn’t entirely objected to kissing him but it wasn’t my favorite. It got more frustrating when he wanted to do more. I wasn’t so opposed to him touching me, but when it came to touching him I was like “this ain’t it”. I stayed with him anyway, hoping I would “get over it” until he broke up with me. I wonder now if he could tell I wasn’t into it.

There was actually a time in which I thought, maybe I should date girls? One of my friends was dating a girl, and I thought that was wonderful. I went to her to tell her that I had been thinking maybe I’d rather date girls. I totally blocked this conversation out of my head until recently.

Once I was done with high school I was discouraged but tried to date a few different guys. None of them went that fantastically. If I met them online, I usually came up with a reason we couldn’t meet. “Maybe this just won’t work” It was fun to talk and flirt but when it came down to bringing it into real life I’d panic because that meant kissing a guy again, and possibly having sex. It made me totally uncomfortable. Finally I said, “I wish I was just into girls, ugh.” Remembered that I was, and that I should try it finally. I matched with this sweet girl that was about a year younger than me. She seemed so put together and so kind. We went on a few dates, getting ramen, fancy cupcakes, riding on a trolly in the city, etc. I remember when I got to kiss her in public and I was SO pumped to be seen doing that! Another time, I believe I drove her home but we parked away from her house and made out in my car. I still remember so much of it vividly. 

Eventually I realized that if I was seriously dating her, she would want it to be known. I’d have to face my fears and tell my family. For some reason, this absolutely terrified me. It shouldn’t have but it did. I thought through my options, and decided I should just find a nice guy that will love me and spend my life with me so I don’t have to do this anymore. I did the unspeakable act of basically just ghosting her and pursued a guy from work who, realistically, kind of freaked me out. Thanks to good old compulsive heterosexuality, I read this as my attraction to him. Thankfully, he was pretty easily attracted to me. I recall early in the relationship wishing I hadn’t done that awful thing to that girl, and that I wish I was still dating a girl. Nothing was technically wrong with my relationship that I had now, but something felt off. Like I was missing something. I tucked that away somewhere in my head and enjoyed building an amazing friendship with this man. I did love him, and I still do. He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we have a lot of shared interests and he’s taught me so much intentionally and unintentionally. 

We got married last year and while I felt grateful I had this amazing person beside me, I remember a part of me wondering if this was right for me. I had this weird little empty pocket somewhere in my heart. That I had given up my young adulthood maybe, and that I could have experienced being with... a woman, for real. I thought, I wish I could have met my husband later in life, maybe. Maybe then I’d have gotten my desires for women out of the way and then been with him forever. Because I do love him, he’s a good person and deserves to be loved. I enjoyed the wedding as a big party that I got to have with my family, but I just remember wondering where that extreme excitement was that everyone always described. Was I broken?

Now over a year later, I was sitting at home one day feeling lost and depressed. I had been on TikTok and saw all these young people having fun and I wished that I had spent more time trying to have fun in the past, before I got married. I thought, I could do it now, but what if something happened and I somehow I fell for one of these girls while being with my husband? Wait... why would I even think that? I started to really analyze this thought. I thought, if I was bi like I had always identified, why could I not be happy with my husband? Well, I was, but something was missing. This thought popped into my head: Oh no. What if I am gay? 

What?! Why would I think that? That’s crazy. I would have known as a kid like everyone says. Right? That’s how that works. I chalked this up to feeling like I was missing out and tried to stop thinking about it. It was hard not to, though. And so I googled one morning while out listening to the birds, after escaping bed before my husband rose to avoid his intimacy: “lesbian married to a man”

This article came up about a woman who had been married to a man for many years and they had kids. She started to question herself, and her attraction to him. I don’t remember all of it but I remember getting really uncomfortable but also having this weird sense of calm. That finally, I felt like I identified with something. I wasn’t really sure though. I sent a message to the lady who wrote the article. She replied a week later telling me that she had a podcast called Lesbian Chronicles. I said, okay, I need to listen to this. I listened to about two episodes or so when they mentioned this thing called “The Master Doc” and the reddit sub called Late Bloomer Lesbians. I was like “Holy crap, a community??”

I logged onto reddit for the first time ever. I saw all these women posting in similar situations to me. I found “The Master Doc” and “Straight women don’t say...”

It was like a light bulb went off. Oh my god, everything makes sense! Maybe I’m NOT broken! I remembered all the women that I had crushes on. All the times I thought about women but told myself I was just “weird” and tried not to think about it. I always thought, no I can’t be gay because I wasn’t sure of it as a kid. Now I realized that women especially are fed a straight narrative. It’s “normal” to not be attracted to men the way they are to you. It’s normal to not totally enjoy sex with men... When I learned that we’ve been told this, and it isn’t really true... I wanted to cry. Now I was in the biggest “pickle” ever. I have this man who loves me, who I said vows to swearing I loved him the same forever. Did I just accept who I was and what I did and live with it? Did I break up with him? That seemed to harsh. I heard a lot of women in the same position say they spoke to a therapist. I immediately googled therapists in my area that specialized in LGBTQ+ issues, sent an email ASAP, and felt a little bit of relief. I knew this was real because after years of playing with the idea of seeing a therapist, this came so naturally when I needed help with this.

Now I am here. I feel very confident that I am gay, and my dad knows now. I tried to bring it up with my husband but it didn’t go very well. He currently thinks that maybe I’m just a sad bisexual who hasn’t been able to express her bi-ness. I am at a point a conversation needs to happen again. I told myself when my lesbian flag and pin came in the mail, I would talk to him again. It’s being delivered today. I am terrified, to say the least. It feels so wrong to “betray” this man who has dedicated to much time and work to giving us as good a life as he can. But I need to live my truth. It will come. I’m low-key excited for it. I hope maybe this helps someone going through the same thing.

-Anonymous Married Lesbian

[onegayastronaut]

Love, Simone (Chapter 5)

Chapter 1,  Chapter 2,   Chapter 3,   Chapter 4

Sorry for not posting an update in so long guys! Finally got around to Chapter 5, hope you all like it!

Words: 1442 It had been several weeks since Simone had caught you with your pants down in the shack at school. She had tried to process her feelings, but all of them had led to an answer that she was too afraid to confront. Was she really jealous of the fact that you had been making out with someone who wasn't her? Or was it just fear that she was not the only girl in your heart anymore? Emily had never thought about being with women, but now that she has taken time to think about it, there was no one she’d rather be with than you.

All of these questions seemed to lead to one conclusion: Emily wanted to be with you, as more than a friend. However, that also begged the question of how long she had been feeling this way. Emily liked men, that much was for certain. But now, there seemed to be a possibility that she liked women too, a possibility that she had never considered before. Sure, she had looked at attractive girls a certain way, but she never considered being with them an option. It seemed like her feelings wanted to be known, but she was just too scared to admit it. There was no doubt that she had always liked you, she’s just never considered being with you an option until now.

With these thoughts swirling around her mind, she thought it would be best to search online for people who may have felt exactly what she was feeling now. She knew she was most likely not the first person (or the last) to feel this way about her best friend.

--------

It wasn’t like you had been cheating on her or anything, so there was no reason for her to be mad or upset about what you had done. The thing was...she was acting distant like somehow your friendship had changed just because you decided to move on and be with someone else.

There were only a few people who were “out” at school, and Emily thought that it would be best to enlist the help of people who may have gone through what she is experiencing at the moment. She was finally directed to the teacher who most of the students knew to be gay. It felt scary going up to a teacher to ask questions about their sexuality, but Emily believed that if anyone knew what she was going through, it would be Ms. van der Woodsen.

“Hi Ms. Woodsen, can I ask you a question?”

“Yes, Emily is it? How can I help you? Besides, you can call me Serena when we’re not in class.”

“I think I have a problem. My best friend, who has recently come out to me as a lesbian, has found someone who she seems to like. I don’t have a problem with that, but it seems like I don’t like it at the same time. It feels like the person she found can’t treat her right, only I know everything my friend likes. But I’ve only ever dated guys, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt, you know, like that towards any of the girls I’ve been around.”

Serena smiled as she looked at Emily. “I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘jealousy’.”

“Pfft, why would I be jealous? I don’t even know for certain if I like girls, that way.”

“Well, in my opinion, the fact that you’re here to tell me about how you feel about your friend shows a lot. Maybe more than you know. I think it would be best to go home and think about why you went through all the trouble of figuring out why you feel the way you do. Maybe taking a few nights to think it over will clear things up.”

----------------

As time went on, Emily realized that she couldn’t find a good reason as to why she went through all the trouble of finding out why you being in a relationship with Taylor was bothering her. All of her reasons came back to an image of you and her, together holding hands. Even the thought of the two of you together in her bedroom, laughing until your sides hurt, made Emily miss you. The fact was that Emily has had feelings for you ever since the two of you started spending time with each other. Sure, her feelings had been platonic (or so she thought), but ever since she realized you were a lesbian it was like there was something different between the two of you. Maybe there might be something more between the two of you if she wanted to take the leap.

----------------

Emily absent-mindedly rode her bike up and down her block as she waited for you to come over. Her parents had left for the day, and she knew that the two of you could have the privacy to talk about what’s been on her mind. Finally, she saw your car pull up in her driveway and ran over to open the gate.

After you walked with her into her house, there came a period of awkward silence as the two of you sat, waiting for the other to speak first. Finally, it was Emily who broke the silence.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. Several weeks in fact.” You saw Emily’s face lower in embarrassment. This caused you to hesitate from making any more scathing remarks about Emily’s recent behavior. Maybe she wanted to use this chance to explain why she had been acting so strange around you.

“Well. I guess I should explain myself a bit, huh?” Emily fiddled with the cup in front of her, and it seemed like she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) meet you in the eye. You waited for her to speak as the silence stretched on. Minutes seemed to drag on for hours as Emily opened and closed her mouth several times. “I don’t have any problem with you being gay.”

“Which hasn’t been demonstrated by the fact that you have been avoiding me for the past few weeks. Ever since you caught me making out with Taylor.”

“Why did you keep that relationship from me? I thought we were friends! We told each other everything.”

“We are friends! I didn’t think it mattered that much! It wasn’t like my ‘relationship’ with Taylor was serious or anything. It wasn’t important enough for me to say anything!”

“It’s just that --” Emily’s voice cracked. It hurt you to see her like this, tears in her eyes and not looking directly at you. “It just seems like things have changed ever since you came out. I know you’re still you, but it just seems like something between us has changed. What’s wrong, Simone?”

“Because you’re you, Emily. We’ve been friends since kindergarten, and I’ve realized I have been in love with you ever since the day we met. Ever since I realized I had feelings for you, I knew that I would do anything to be with you. Whether it means I get to be with you the way I want truly want to be or being your best friend and pretending I’m not in love with you, I knew I would do anything for you.”

Emily looked down awkwardly and fiddled with the cup in front of her. “You know, I’ve been thinking of me. Of my feelings, more specifically.”

“What about your feelings?”

“I’ve been thinking about why I’ve been acting weird for the past couple of weeks. I don’t know, it might be because I’m feeling jealous.”

“Jealous about what?” This situation was becoming more and more confusing by the second.

“Jealous over the fact that you liked someone, and that person wasn’t me. That has been why I’ve been avoiding you. I didn’t how to react to the way I was feeling.” Once Emily started talking, it was like she wanted to get everything out in one go before she could stop herself.

“So...what are you saying? That you have feelings for me too?”

Again, there was a long period of silence before Emily spoke. “I am saying that I believe I’ve always liked you. As a best friend, and possibly as something more.”

“Does that mean that you want to be with me?”

“Maybe we can figure this out? Over dinner? At your favorite place?” Emily looked scared, afraid that her actions had pushed you away for good.

“I would love to.” You were unsure of where this road might take you, but if there was anyone that you wanted to explore the unknown with, Emily was the one you would choose.

[niall-is-my-dream]

You & Me - Part Eight

2500 words

Sydney, Australia

Callie's POV

"This is perfect." You mumbled to Tara. You were sat on a massive seating area at the end of a boat, sipping a beer whilst sailing on Sydney Harbour.

"Apart from those Paps on that boat over there." She replied.

"Bastards never leave him alone do they? Suppose it's good press for tour, him hanging out on this boat with his friends and crew."

"Yeah I suppose. I found it so weird when I first started working for him. He's the first high profile person I've worked for. We were spotted coming out of a club in L.A. together, Paps had a field day. It was only when some fans kindly pointed out that I work for him and that not every girl he's seen with is romantic that they laid off me."

She's must have noticed your horrified face because she backed it up with. "Don't worry about it, ok?"

"To be honest I've only ever experienced the comments on Instagram. They actually weren't that bad, but then they just think I'm his guitar tech."

The two of you were sat alone, the first time in ages that you'd had a chance to talk to her privately.

"What's bothering you Callie?" She asked, looking around to make sure no one could hear.

 "Nothing, I'm fine."

 "You know you can talk to me."

 "I know I can."

 She looked at you, knowing you were lying about being fine. There was something bothering you, Saskia. You had stupidly stalked her Instagram and Twitter. She had so many subtle posts about Niall, the one she posted just yesterday had tipped your anxiety over the edge.

 "Saskia posted about being in an airport around the time we were flying here yesterday." You said, your voice low.

 "I know she did. I've been watching her activity."

 "You have?"

 "Yeah, it's my job. After Nialls email to management about her harassing him, I've been asked to watch her and her friends and see what they're up to."

 "It really got to me." You admitted.

 "I know this doesn't help, but just ignore her ok, don't check it again. I'll deal with it." She said as she tried to reassure you.

 "I think Niall is finding it stressful. He says it's just nerves for tour and the album release, but I know that's not just it."

You'd spoken about a lot of things when you'd been together on your 'first date' back in Sweden less than a week ago. Snuggled up in bed, having consumed pizza and beer you talked until nearly 1am. The 'what are we?' chat had happened and you'd both blushed when you admitted that you had been thinking about it a lot. 

Niall hadn't had a girlfriend in a few years, having just casually dated since then. He had first met up with Saskia back in December 2016 after a Jingle Bell Ball show. They knew some mutual musicians and had swapped numbers. It became apparent to him she was using him for attention when he was celebrating the success of slow hands. She posted numerous times on social media in May hinting about him and by June when she showed up at nearly all the summer shows he appeared in, he had had enough.

You were pleased that he had shared this information with you. He explained that he had told her after they first went out, that he didn't want anything serious with her. She obviously felt that he would fall for her and want something serious after a while, but of course that never happened.

Breaking things off with her at the end of June had been a relief for him. He didn't ghost her or anything nasty, he just suggested at their last meeting that they should go their separate ways. Of course this didn't go down well with her and she continued to text him almost everyday and then she turned up at rehearsals a month ago and then the Dublin show.

He showed you her messages, the latest one being sent to him that day, whilst you were in the hotel room together. She went from being sweet about him doing so well with his shows to being downright nasty that he had decided to end things with her. Thinking she was quite the catch, she didn't understand how her, a beautiful successful model had been dumped.

Niall hadn't replied to any of her messages for weeks. Choosing to ignore her and hoping she'd get the hint. But her appearance at his Dublin show had really shook him and that's when he decided to get management involved.

Sitting here with Tara and seeing Niall finally relaxing with his friends made you immensely happy. Tara's reassurance that Saskia was being watched and that management were dealing with it made you feel a bit better.

"You having another beer?" You asked Tara.

"No, think I'll just stick to water. Pace myself!"

"Was thinking the same thing. I'll go get us some."

You stood up and made your way to the main area of the boat, some of the lads were sitting by the bar. You saw Niall look up when he heard you approach and give you a smile. Deciding to pop to the loo before you got your drinks, you made your way below deck to find them. You were just washing your hands when you heard a tap at the door.

"I'll be just a second." You called out as you dried your hands.

"It's me." You heard Niall reply.

You smirked and shook your head as you opened the door to him. His expression matched yours and as you went to step out of the stall he made a step forward and guided you back in there.

"Ni." You whispered.

"Just five minutes." He said, as he leaned into kiss you.

The stall was small and cramped but he had you pushed up against the locked door in less than a minute. Breaking away from his kiss, you smiled as your eyes met his.

"Can't keep away can you?" You whispered.

"Nope." He whispered back. "Just wanted to kiss my girlfriend in private."

You nervously bit your lower lip and blushed before leaning in and kissing him again.

You walked up the steps to the main deck five minutes later and were instantly met by 3 pairs of eyes. Gerry, John and Jake all smiling disturbingly at you.

"Everything ok lads?!" You questioned, your eyebrow raised.

"Oh grand Callie, just grand." Gerry replied.

"Good."

"Oh look, Nialls there to." John smirked as Niall made his way up the steps behind you.

"Look a bit flushed there Callie. You feeling ok?" Gerry asked you, a look of compete glee on his face.

"I'm fine thank you." You replied, shaking your head in amusement that the lads had clearly figured out something was going on between you two.

Niall made his way over to the table by the bar where the lads were sitting and took a swig from his beer.

"Oh would you look at that!" John said. "Nialls a bit flushed to."

"Enough of that Bird." He replied, his eyes going across the boat to a couple of management and crew who were luckily not in listening distance.

"Right you are." John replied, instantly toning down his banter.

You knew the lads would figure it out soon enough and you trusted Niall when he said he wouldn't tell anyone anything. But they were a close band and spent a lot of their free time together, so his absence from their group sometimes would easily be noticed.

Grabbing two bottles of water from the bar you made your way back over to Tara.

"Thanks babe." She said as she took the cold bottle from you.

"I think the lads have realised Niall and I are together." You whispered as you sat down.

"Why what did they say?" 

You relayed the last five minutes back to her and she laughed.

"It's so obvious sometimes that you're together, I mean he hasn't stopped looking over here at us for the past hour."

"I didn't notice." You replied and you meant it, too busy enjoying the beautiful sun and views of the harbour.

This was exactly the type of experience you had hoped for when you'd joined the crew. You'd always wanted to travel, especially to Australia. 

"Don't worry about them, if they have figured it out they won't tell anyone."

"Honestly, us keeping this a secret is harder than I thought. I didn't realise it was that obvious that we are together."

"You forget how close as a team we all are."

You laugh lightly at this, you knew you had seriously underestimated how difficult this was going to be.

The crowd in Sydney were amazing, they had clearly been online and viewed the Dublin, London and Stockholm shows. Everyone knew the words to all his songs. Niall was absolutely buzzing when he got off stage. He embraced you with a big sweaty hug, you should've been grossed out by it but you weren't. Placing a kiss to your temple, he let you go before high fiving the rest of the crew.

You were in complete awe of this man and could feel yourself falling more and more for him. So much had happened in such a short space of time that you suddenly felt overwhelmed by it all. Excusing yourself to the bathroom, you walked quickly away from everyone. You could feel his gaze burning into the back of your head as you did.

Splashing some cold water on your face helped calm you down. You looked in the mirror, silently giving yourself a pep talk.

Don't ruin this Callie, you've got this.

Keep calm.

Don't get scared.

Your heart was pounding in your chest as you careful took some long slow breaths.

Ellie came suddenly bursting through the bathroom door.

"Are you ok?!" She asked, the worry evident on her face.

"Yes, sorry. Was so hot backstage. Just needed to cool myself down." You replied calmly.

"Are you sure? Niall said the colour just drained from your face. He's really worried about you."

"Oh, I should go tell him I'm ok. I didn't mean to worry everyone. Was just so hot back there." You replied using your hand to fan yourself.

Ellie reached across and stroked your arm, the support that the whole team gave each other was strong. Her touch and kind words instantly calmed you.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket. Taking it out and looking at the screen you saw it was Niall.

"That Niall?" Ellie asked.

"Yeah it is. Didn't mean to worry him. Just got a bit too hot."

"I'll get going, I've got to finish packing up. Are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm fine, thanks Ellie."

You leaned in and gave her a hug, which she returned.

"Take it easy packing up."

"I will."

She turned and left, leaving you alone. You looked down and read Nialls mesage.

"Babe are you ok? Where are you?"

"I'm in the bathroom, Ellie has been with me. Sorry, was too hot backstage."

"Are you sure you're ok? Come to my dressing room."

"I can't, I have to go back and help pack up. Come find me when you're showered."

"Are you sure you're ok? I'm really worried about you. X"

"Honestly Ni, I'm fine. You did amazing tonight. X"

"Thanks babe, I'll come find you when I'm done."

Checking your appearance in the mirror, you straightened out your shirt before breathing out a massive sigh.  You started to feel more relaxed and even slightly stupid for overreacting. The way you were feeling about him should be embraced. You had no idea if he felt exactly like you did, but you knew he liked you a lot. Staying up with him talking the other night and his need to sleep next to you assured you of that.

When you got back to the stage, Adam and James checked on you before offering you a bottle of water. The crew always looked out for eachother. You started to pack away Nialls guitars ready to be transported to Japan for the next leg of the tour. The pack up for a flight was a bit more than when it was being transported by road. Martin gave you all the labels you needed, your worst fear was one of them going missing.

The atmosphere tonight was infectious and everyone was singing and laughing as you packed up. You had done enough shows with Niall over the last ten months to have a good setting up and down system. Niall appeared a little while later, freshly showered and dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt. He made a beeline straight for you, not caring who saw him he reached up and brushed a strand of hair out of your face.

"You ok?" He asked his eyes full of concern. He stroked his thumb gently across your cheek.

"Yeah, I'm fine. As I said I was just a bit hot."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I was just was hot, overwhelmed, it was all a bit too much. I'm sorry I worried you."

You were aware of everyone around you, some looking your way. Niall noticed to and quickly moved his hand down from your face. He didn't move away from you though. Leaning down and whispering gently to you.

"You can talk to me, you know if you're worried about something. I know this is new to us both."

His eyes showed he was worried about you, it made your heart flutter. Was he talking about the tour being new to you both or the relationship you had decided to embark on?

"I know I can babe." You replied smiling.

"You really had me worried Petal." Your heart that was already fluttering in your chest began to beat faster at his use of the cute pet name.

"Honestly, I was fine." You said reaching your hand out and giving his hip a squeeze in reassurance.

"I wish I could kiss you right now." He mumbled. 

"Plenty of time for that later." You smirked.

"Will you stay with me tonight?"

"I stay with you every night Mr I can't sleep without you!"

"Hey! Can't help it. Ever since that first night at yours, I find I sleep much better when you're next to me."

You smirked and shook your head.

"What? Don't hear you complaining when I snuggle up to you?!" He added.

"I sleep better with you too." You admitted.

Later that night as you snuggled up together in Nialls hotel room, you felt truly at ease.

"Cal, you awake?" Niall whispered in the darkness.

"Hmmm."

"I'm so happy we're together."

The flutters were back again as you replied, "me to."

Part nine

https://niall-is-my-dream.tumblr.com/post/183066083788/you-me-part-nine