#i’ve got some things lined up this summer but they simply do me no good right now

[anothersuperstition]

new comprehensive (long, so sorry) commission post!! i lost my job a couple months ago (turns out the office manager is literally evil and she set me up to get fired on purpose :D) so commissions and my freelance work are my main source of income rn and every single extra comm helps!!

i’ve also been trying to take advantage of my free time and use it to grow as an artist and practice things i normally don’t so i would love to try some more nonstandard comms alongside tattoos!

as always line art only tattoo designs are $50 flat (*edit to say line art only FLASH tattoo designs), full color tattoo designs and everything else offered (portraits in any style, illustrations, posters) are all unique and prices will depend on content so if you’re interested or if you’ve got an idea and you’re not sure i can do it, feel free to shoot me a message for more info!!

examples of my work! (please open the images for full view i’m bad at formatting) ⬇️

posters! from show specific, to movie posters inspired by your fave albums or songs! (does not have to be mcr i just have brain worms)

tattoos! from small flash designs to full scale, neo trad or line work or anything in between!

illustrations! full page, comic-inspired, small and stylized (gerard way style inspiration optional!), you name it!

portraits!! these are my favorite to do and i never get to do them! pencil or painting, if sketchy and painterly are your thing i can do that! if cleaned up and smooth are your thing i can also do that!

so sorry for the novel length post, i hate doing it as much as you all hate seeing it, but a girl’s gotta pay the bills! tumblr is where i first found my footing as someone who was taking commissions and i’m allergic to social media these days but tumblr still feels as comfy as it did back then and i appreciate everyone who has been kind and supportive to me here over the years!! even reblogs help, thanks y’all!!

[betterbooktitles]

"I’m certain I’m not the only millennial who feels we as a nation have taken a dizzying turn when it comes to drugs. I remember a uniformed police officer showing up once a week in 5th Grade (a year before Sex Ed) to explain how to avoid buying and taking drugs. Luckily, I already knew the dangers of the drug trade because I had seen The Usual Suspects. I knew cocaine was a bad thing to buy, sell, or steal, especially from a drug kingpin. The D.A.R.E. program, however, let me know how important it was to say no to anything fun, including alcohol. At least until I understood a little algebra first. We did role-playing exercises where we walked one by one toward the portly police officer and he casually asked if we wanted to hit a mimed joint with him. All we had to do was say “no” and walk to the other side of the room, defying the only rule I knew about improv. We wrote essays about how important it was to preserve our pristine bodies and minds, obviously unsullied since we had yet to take the class teaching us how puberty was going to defile them both. I’m still mad that my friend Nicole’s essay beat mine in a contest, and she got to read hers in front of the whole school all because she had the benefit of an older brother who took too much acid and sat in her room all night talking about why the existence of light proved God was real. My essay about a time I saw my friend’s dad drink a beer and then drive his truck somewhere was also good! We signed pledges to enter the new millennium drug-free. We took the red pencils that said “Friends Don’t Let Friends Do Drugs” and sharpened all of them down to say “Let Friends Do Drugs,” “Friends Do Drugs,” “Do Drugs,” and simply “Drugs.” Despite that little rebellious act, my friends and I spent a solid six months swearing we’d never put any harmful substance into our bodies besides every form of candy available.

Imagine how I feel now as a D.A.R.E. graduate becoming my dad’s drug dealer. It’s less thrilling than I thought it would be. Between my father’s warning not to hang around one specific neighborhood in Cleveland as a kid and nearly every TV show about drugs, I thought I’d always be buying marijuana from an intimidating dude who definitely had a gun and would use it immediately if he thought I was wearing a wire. Instead, I now buy marijuana from a well-lit storefront that looks like the Apple Store. I’ve even gone to a place where a guy with an iPad explained what each available strain would do to me. I buy what sounds good with all the confidence of a man pointing at items on a menu written in a language he can’t read. I put it all in a cardboard box. I place a book on top. I mail the box to my dad from my local post office. I tell myself the book is to hide the contraband crossing state lines, but in truth, the book is what clears my conscience. I want to send my dad something edifying while also sending him the drug that all of America worried would make me unable to read if I tried it once. The unrequested book is a red herring to distract from the vice, like when you were young and didn’t want to buy condoms outright at the store so you cushioned them between a pack of peanut M&Ms and a magazine. Hmm, what else did I need, — right, while I’m here — might as well pick up a few condoms.

Right as marijuana becomes legal in most states, I’m about done with the drug. I’ve had three good times on edibles, and one of them was when I felt nothing and fell asleep at 9:30 PM. I’m flabbergasted that my dad likes edibles. He seems to be a man free of anxiety. Case in point, I once brought him some THC lozenges to our summer holiday in Chautauqua, and around dinner time I told him “You might want to only take half of what I gave you” to which he replied, “I took it hours ago.” He was stoned and no one noticed.

While I’m stuck in my head, stoned or sober, wondering why I didn’t take some acting gig 15 years ago, wondering if I’ll ever make enough money, worrying I’m doing everything wrong including in this moment as I write this sentence, my dad is enjoying himself.

Judith Grisel, the author of Never Enough: The Neuroscience And Experience of Addiction, describes using marijuana as throwing “a bucket of red paint” on your brain. She was approaching the stimulant clinically in terms of how it differed from the laser focus of other drugs (THC reacts with many receptors in the brain, cocaine focuses on one), but now every time I smoke, I think of the red paint metaphor. While other people seem able to crank an entire joint and do insanely complicated stuff like function at their jobs, I am reduced to a gelatinous blob, on top of which my eyes and brain are navigating a dream state that, like many dreams, isn’t all that interesting the next day. Mostly, I get high and can’t decide what I want to watch on TV or what video game I want to play, I realize how hungry I am, and then I fall asleep with cereal still stuck to my teeth. Pot, for me, is like the squid ink hitting the screen in Mario Kart: I can still see where I’m going, but everything gets a little harder to do, and the panicked half-blindness makes everything slightly more chaotically fun."

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Other articles include:

An essay on Claire Dederer's book Monsters and movies made by monsters.

Writing inside a Toyota Service Center.

Writing mistresses.

[tens-girl]

Finished Rivals… have things to say…

Spoilers obvs ——>

Eeeeeeeeekkkkkk!

If you go into this show knowing it’s gonna be big, bold, brash, and unapologetic about being those things, you’ll have a great time!

The hair, the costumes, the music (oh god, the music - who stole my playlist?!), the cast - just everything is dialled up to 200% and if you dare to question ‘is it good though?’ it just shrugs and cuts to another sex montage.

Let’s be honest, I came (ahem) for David Tennant, but honestly, I stayed for so much more. He is brilliant of course, he always is, and his ability to capture the exact centre of a Venn diagram of pathetic and evil is unmatched - nobody does it like he does. He draws sympathy for a truly awful character, and certainly made me headbutt a wall a few times wondering how Tony kept making such terrible decisions. (Also if someone could supply a montage of him shouting fuck with full passion I’d be very grateful) - as he got more pathetic I honestly couldn’t resist him. His destruction of the Declan set is one of the most laughably pathetic things I’ve ever seen and I was almost crying watching it.

Meanwhile, they’re bending over backwards to make us like Rupert and I just can’t do it. He also makes lots of terrible decisions (mostly with his dick of course) and for me it undermines the apparent ‘he loves Taggie’ thing. I just wish he’d go home and play with his dogs.

(Also Gertrude is my favourite character, just the best dog!)

Shout out to Victoria Smurfit who knocks it out of the park as Maud - she has some of the best line deliveries in the whole show, particularly as she prepares to leave for London and resume her career.

But honestly, my heart belongs to Freddy and Lizzie. If you’d told me I’d be grinning with happiness, with tears in my eyes, for a sex scene between Danny Dyer and Katherine Parkinson before I started watching this, I’d have called a doctor for you, but that’s the truth. They are spectacular and I adored them. I’ve never been a fan of Danny before, but he completely seduced me here, and I already loved Katherine (IT Crowd fans in our house) - but between them, they supplied the real ‘rooting for them’ heart of the series. I want to see them together in everything now!

Back to DT - the top tier irony of having his character win his first BAFTA and then have him clubbed over the head with it… priceless, and I personally suggest the academy honour him with a long overdue nod for this role simply in order to see him receive it with trepidation in case he gets bludgeoned with it. It even beat the joyous irony of Tony being all true blue and Tory after… well everything that went down this summer!

(Also, the way Tony passed the award to Cameron as they collected it made me think that if David had won this year for Crowley, he’d have absolutely asked Michael up on stage to give it to him because Aziraphale should share it)

And lastly… Love is a Battlefield is an excellent song, but I will never be able to listen to it again now. Oh pathetic-evil DT characters, please stop wobbling my moral compass (sorry, I’m writing Kilgrave fanfic right now so I’m all over the place in terms of right and wrong)

Anyway, it was great fun and I’ve told everyone to watch it, 80s references bingo cards at the ready!

[jadedxhearts]

𝐕𝐢𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐧 𝐋𝐚𝐰 𝐀𝐔 𝐒𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐬

Scenario 1: Reasurring Him

Originally posted in summer 2023

Please note that this is an old work and isn't representative of my current writing skills!

Laid back on the plush pillows of Law’s bed, you stared up at him with a sweet smile, one that brought him immense comfort. Only- the circumstances were entirely different, this time.

For weeks now, he’d been trying to subtly hint at the fact that he was ready; ready for you to take his virginity. Law was incredibly shy when it came to intimacy, however, and so you didn’t really catch on at first.

He’d tried being a bit more physically romantic with you. Wrapping his arms around you from behind, resting his head on yours after kissing it. Or initiating more deep, passionate kisses. Locking your lips with his wasn’t out of the ordinary, but alas hadn’t really tried using his tongue with you. Deepening the kiss into a full make out was difficult for him, but with the couple weeks that passed, he’d gotten the hang of it.

When that didn’t work, he tried talking to you. After dinner with the crew, lingering behind when he usually went straight back to work. You’d wait until everyone else had left to ask him what was up, and each time, Law’s ears would turn red. He’d stammer a ton, “um… I just wanted to see if you, um, wanted to go to my- our room and…”

You had waited with a patient smile, but Law could never find the courage to get the words he really meant out. “-and um… cuddle.”

But tonight he finally was able to make you understand. He’d been so nervous the entire day that you figured out that he was trying to communicate something; but was too shy. It took some encouraging, and Law finally opened up.

“Y/n, I’ve been thinking about it a lot, recently… I, um. I want to- uh, go even further with our relationship.”

At first you were surprised, thinking Law meant marriage. But that wasn’t it.

“I want you to take my virginity,” he finally muttered, voice quiet and shaky.

So, now here you were. You’d undressed down to your panties first and laid back onto the bed, watching Law, amused, as his face was brighter than a tomato and he struggled to even get his hoodie off. He was on his knees in front of you, chest heaving as he simply couldn’t look away from your breasts, distracting him from undoing his belt.

You giggled and reached forward, helping Law escape his jeans. The obvious bulge that he poorly hid caused you to lustfully gaze into his gray eyes.

Finally, you were both ready. Law had carefully pulled your panties off, afraid of somehow hurting you. You simply watched as he freed his cock, biting your lip before swiping your tongue out to lick them.

Law’s hands trembled as he placed one onto your hips, the other holding his member as he tried lining himself up with your cunt. As he slid inside, he gasped and whined, eyebrows tightly knit as he bit onto his own lip. When he finally bottomed out, you took his hand in yours. “Are you alright?” He asked, almost sounding terrified.

Your face did seem a bit uncomfortable, but you shook it off with a smile. “You’re, um, a bit big… but I’m fine,” you managed to say through heavy breaths.

So Law slowly tried thrusting in and out, stopping to ask if you were okay every ten seconds. After you’d said “Law, you could be shoving me into the bed while slamming into me and I’d be fine,” he finally picked up his pace ever so slightly, but then he began to act shy again.

“A-am I doing good?” Was the next repetitive question, and each time you would answer with “you’re perfect, Law.”

It took a bit more reassurance, but Law got the hang of things as he was a quick learner. He’d switched to holding you in his arms as you raised your legs up to wrap around his waist. Hearing your sweet moans and cries of how amazing he felt helped him gain confidence, and with a deep kiss that swallowed your moans, he went in even harder and deeper.

And of course, afterwards, he’d be asking things constantly; “are you okay?”, “does it hurt anywhere?” “can I clean you up?”.

His nature as a doctor simply made him the best at aftercare, unsurprisingly.

[anthurak]

Having seen some discussion and gotten a few direct asks on the topic recently, I thought I’d do a dedicated post on an aspect of the Rosebird Parents Theory that I’ve touched on in other posts but have yet to address directly.

If Raven is secretly Ruby’s birth-‘father’/other mother, why have Qrow and Tai keep that a secret from her and Yang all this time? More specifically, if they apparently told Yang that Raven is HER birth-mother after Summer vanished, why did they not do the same for Ruby?

Now to get the simplest explanation out of the way first, it’s possible that Tai and Qrow simply don’t know themselves that Raven is Ruby’s birth-father. Of course I will freely admit that this is a rather dubious proposition and has to assume Tai and Qrow being rather slow on the uptake, and becomes especially dubious if Summer and Tai were actually in a close but ultimately platonic relationship. Though rather amusingly, this possibility gets a bit more plausible with the Poly-STR or even Poly-STRQ relationship that some have proposed. Specifically, if Summer already had a history of sleeping with Qrow, Tai AND Raven, it could leave her the option of being more vague and ambiguous as to WHO actually got her pregnant. Though again, I kinda doubt go this route.

Now with that out of the way, let’s discuss what I feel is the more likely option: That Qrow and Tai (and probably Raven as well) KNOW that Raven is Ruby’s birth-father and have been keeping that information under wraps this whole time.

First off; if Tai and/or Qrow told Yang that Raven is her birth-mother after Summer disappeared, why would they not also tell Ruby that Raven is her birth-father too?

Well, what if Tai didn’t MEAN to tell Yang about Raven, but rather let that information slip in the midst of his grieving? Note that Yang doesn’t specify that Tai (or Qrow) told her about Raven, only that she ‘found out’. If Yang only found out about Raven being her birth-mother because Tai let that info slip by accident or Yang found it out herself through some other means, then Tai and Qrow would have no reason to let Ruby know about Raven being her birth-father as well.

As to why Qrow and Tai would continue to keep Raven being Ruby’s father a secret? Well, because it’s pretty clear, certainly in the early parts of the show, that Qrow and Tai do NOT trust Raven, and generally consider her to be potentially dangerous to Yang and Ruby. Remember how in Volume 3 we learn that despite Yang having been looking for any information she can on Raven for years at the point, it turns out that Qrow has been in occasional contact with his sister this whole time and even has a pretty good idea where she is. And NEVER told Yang until she pressed him on the issue by revealing that Raven had stepped in to save her during the train breach.

It’s clear that Qrow and Tai have deliberately worked to keep Yang (and by extension, Ruby) away from Raven, at least while the girl were growing up. In that context, I’d say it makes PERFECT sense that they would keep Raven being Ruby’s birth-father under wraps too.

As to why they haven’t revealed this to Ruby in the present of the show? Well probably because it’s not exactly an EASY thing to reveal. I mean, what are you expecting? Tai to just sit down with Ruby sometime during the weeks she was recovering after the Fall and go ‘Oh, by the way, Yang’s mom is also your dad. Me and Qrow have been lying to you and Yang this whole time. Sorry about that.’

As for Qrow post-Volume 6 even when Ruby sits down with him and directly asks if he knows anything about what happened to Summer, I have to imagine Qrow’s decision to keep Ruby’s true parentage a secret would have been something along the lines of ‘this girl has got enough on her plate right now as it is. She doesn’t need THIS hot mess dropped in her lap too.’

And if you’re reading all this and thinking; “Wow, this isn’t very good parenting choices from Tai and Qrow,” well yeah, NO SHIT it isn’t. Need I remind you that one of RWBY’s main recurring themes is that of parents/mentors/leaders not trusting their kids with important/pertinent information being shown to be a BAD THING.

In that context, Qrow and Tai having kept the fact of Raven being Ruby’s birth-father under wraps this whole time fits PERFECTLY into the show’s themes and messages.

[livvyofthelake]

please talk about your fuckass book you just finished <3

ok yay :) i literally neeeeeed to talk about it in relation to other books i’ve read recently so that’s what i’m gonna do here i heart making every book a conversation with each other… so you’ll all have to forgive me for comparing call me by your name to the dream thieves of raven cycle fame but i need to. its a comparison that literally begs to be spoken about. to me. i also need to compare it to the secret history and the sun and the star and most importantly. well we all saw the timeless video. we need to get into that as well!!

obviously what sets it apart from all of my genre bullshit is that it is NOT genre bullshit, like it's just set in italy 1983 in the normal universe. which made it one of the most unique books i've read this year to be honest and real.... i have NOT been reading normal ass books... earlier i compared elio's narration to the great gatsby but i literally have just only read very few real world narrative novels i've got gatsby, richard, and this i guess. i'm working on it though!

anyway it was veryyy richard core in the sense that it's being narrated from some point in the future where elio is reflecting on that summer and oliver and what it meant to his life at large, where richard does the same thing with narrating his time at college with his greek class and bunny's murder. reflecting on two very different things unless you wanna look at it with the keen eye of a total nutcase and then i could say that they're both simply reflecting on what it was like to be seen and known by someone who turned out to not be what you hoped and you didn't end up with him despite it all. richard papen you would have loveddd call me by your name... wow. elio pearlman you would have loved the secret history...

it was ALSO very the dream thieves core in the sense that um. well me when i'm gay and having kind of a hard time working with that and there's a guy who's just like me in a bad way who wants to fuck me so bad we both look stupid as hell... but through it all there is the through line of intimacy that comes from being Recognized… rip joseph kavinsky you would have LOVED call me by your name!!!!!!!!!!! (would ronan lynch love cmbyn? well no!)

i ALSO only wanted to talk about it in relation to the sun and the star because they’re both like. ok Gay Representation is not a genre but they’re both books about gay people that i read recently so like. yeah. it’s crazy how glaring the difference between those two books is for things that both get tagged “lgbtq+” on storygraph or however many of those letters that website uses idk. like one of them is clearly written so some dude could pat himself on the back for giving the kiddos Representation in his stupid ass franchise and the other is just some fuckass book written by a totalllll freak that happens to be about gay people. in essence one made me so mad to read and the other was fine. i would never go so far as to describe a man’s work as great though. chappell roan voice i don’t think men make good art. !!! and i really believe that sorry. when a man impresses me i will let you all know but it is very rare…

which brings us to the timeless video. for everyone who somehow missed that that means (you’re fake btw 🙄) the timeless video is an amv i made last summer when i wanted to make an amv for my guys from my books but obviously they’re from books. so what i did instead was gather a bunch of characters from movies and shows that reminded me of MY guys and edit them to taylor swift’s timeless. because it’s like. other lives and i see them in everything. anyway so elio and oliver made it into the timeless video despite all the sort of mean stuff i’ve said about oliver lately (not even my fault he fuckin sucks btw) and the fact that their relationship is not like. Endgame. BECAUSE of my favorite scene. from the movie not the book. this scene was lame as hell in the book it’s the part that made me go wow i think perhaps the film is much better!! the “is it better to speak or to die” scene… i talked about it earlier but genuinely that happened to my buddy kit herondale…. and then he said something and it didn’t go very well!!!!

anyway. yay i <3 blogging on my break at work!

[blakecooley]

2022

I had a good year but I feel old this week. It feels as if I’ve aged very suddenly or just now realized that the past 20 years have happened. I’m sure sometime in the future I’ll be able to look back and recognize how but, for now it just feels like this year was different. I feel like I woke up this year. Some things became clearer and others twisted into half remembered dreams. They all came and went with the year, yet devastating clarity still eludes me. 

I moved this year. I left beautiful friends and family in Illinois. Saying goodbye to people who helped me love myself felt like abandonment. Long distance relationships are hard. But, I moved. Hopefully for school though, even if that doesn't work out the way I’d like, I still feel like I’m supposed to end up here. If I can stay here I can stay here. (I found out in the Summer that the house we live in was built in the 1890s. Later, in the Autumn, my neighbors told me that that’s when the houses here were incorporated and were likely built even earlier than that. That’s not pertinent to anything, I just think it’s neat.) I like living at the foot of the mountains. Every morning when I stumble outside for a cup of coffee and a cigarette I can just barely make out the shape of their tops. Searching down from the heavens for the horizon it’s where the black gets dark, where the giant maw of ancient stone devours the stars. Then, with the rising sun, the ash of nighttime shakes into the valley, settling among the banks of creeks and the floors of the forest. Pinks, greens, blues and whites radiate in its place. Every day, the mountains sleep and the forest wakes up. A stunning compass lies to the west. I think I can picture dying here some years down the line. This hilly area at the feet of the militarily hollowed out Cheyenne Mountain, my neighborhood, helps me forget that the rest of the city exists. I like it here and I’m comfortable. 

I started a new job this year and left the best paying, most consistent job I’ve ever had. Seeing that neither of them are in the restaurant industry though I think I can officially say that I’m out of that field for good and I’ll call it even. I recognized that people in my generation talk about jobs with this thorny, intertwined care and fear gripping their throats. Where are you working now? (Are your bills paid?) Do they pay pretty good? (Do you have enough to eat?) Do you like it alright? (Do they say your name right? Are you sleeping okay? Can you situate yourself under the pressure? Can you breathe?) People are sweet. A job is simply survival. Rote emptiness. An exaggerated, almost satirical performance of tasks that don’t need to be done to produce things that no one asked for. More and more of us recognize now that most of our jobs only exist to feed the cycle of over-production and that adhering to the practice of it only sustains the dominance of capitalism. A job is simply survival. People are sweet.

I got Covid again this year. I refinished my guitar, replacing its plastic white and sunny yellow with an ash black and wine-dark red. It feels more appropriate now. Within the first month of moving here I broke up and turned over the backyard in preparation for planting wildflowers in the Spring. I started taking my religious and spiritual thoughts more seriously. I guess I have something similar to what people describe as “faith in a higher power” now. Born again. Lol. I started meditating more. I got through the worst flu I’ve ever had in my life. I caught, raised and am permanently enamored with Cerce, my pet black widow. I made friends with the neighborhood cats. I made friends with Stephanie’s dog, Rourke, who in past visits refused to let me walk across the house. I left beautiful friends and a beautiful family in Illinois. I left my perfect and very cool niece and nephew. I left some of the most loving, and actively supportive people I’ve ever known. I moved in with one of my favorite people in the world. No matter where I’ve lived this year I’ve felt deeply loved. (I hate the feeling that all of this puts inside my chest. Feeling loved is hard for me.) I drove across Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas and Colorado by myself in a moving truck. I cried through a lot of that. I felt loved then. I slept in Lincoln, NE for the third time in my life. I handled some pretty serious depression more constructively and healthily than I ever have in my life. Pretty proud of that one. Stayed alcohol free for another calendar year. Very proud of that one. I wrote, but did not record, about 90% of an atmospheric black metal album that challenged me a lot as a guitar player and musician. I have met and made more friends this year than probably any other year of my adult life. I started to write more. Learned how to better recognize and set reasonable expectations for managing my social anxiety. (Someday I’ll be able to leave the house and go to new places that are full of new people without needing a panic planning session but I’m not there yet and that’s okay.) I had a handful of moments of clear, singular thought this year and I had a few of what I call cosmic moments this year. The freedom of insignificance is intoxicating. (That’s pretentious as fuck. (Recognizing it in an aside, doubly so.)∞ )

I grew a lot this year. Physically, emotionally, and socially. 2022 was my first full calendar year of being on hormone replacement therapy. For someone my age with the naturally high testosterone levels that I seem to have been gifted, progress is slow. Change happens at its own pace and is best left to proceed undisturbed. HRT has taught me about patience. I fucking hate patience and I don’t want to learn, I just want my own body.

Given the circumstances, this was a good year for me. However, I can recognize and understand only some of the privileges that are wrapped up in that fact. I survived when others didn’t. I was invited openly and freely to avenues, streams and halls where spectres of the decades gone “Whites Only” signs still hang. My hands were clasped warmly and with welcome to nationwide secret clubs of 'good old boys' because my cowardice or self-preservation wouldn’t let me squeak out a correction. Being white, 6’2” with a permanent five o’clock shadow and a passing knowledge of internal combustion engines goes a long way towards survival. But it comes with the cost of shame and the fear of the price of being found out as a liar. People died here this year. Right across town, for being just like me. They died because, for at least one night, they chose to be honest. They chose the joy and the weightlessness of letting themselves be exactly who they were and they were killed for it. Against this I must temper the gauge of my year. Under the intentionally foggy and marred lens of capitalism I'd be led to believe that the unrelenting threat of fascism, violence, death, inhuman expectations of work, starvation, inadequate shelter, imprisonment, and sexual violence are isolated from one another and that each only affects us in singular and individual ways. But in working toward understanding liberation I become a detective, revealing the threads that bind us together and following the beacons left by those who came before me. I live in a world shaded by a tightly woven and self-replicating network of violence. I can’t recognize that my year was successful without also recognizing that it was only made so because the price for it was paid by others. But looking for all of this and to see it doesn't demand listless, defeated despair but it demands instead my efforts toward dismantling it and my joy and mirth in doing so. I can’t unlearn what I’ve been shown and to see and understand the violence of capitalism and to then do nothing is active participation in that violence. I will act. I will put what energy, resources and knowledge that I have toward building, creating and encouraging the beautiful world that I want to live in.

The change of the year is arbitrary and speaking of the coming year as a thing, a noun, some manifested eldritch terror gives authority to what’s basically a mathematical construct. So, I’ll make no goals and speak no wishes for it. I’ll be joyful. I’ll be kind. I’ll be strong. I’ll set broad goals and work toward them deliberately to give them shape. I’ll get through this upcoming year just as all the ones before; one day at a time.  

I had a good year. Yet devastating clarity still eludes me. 

[spyridonya]

several sentences sunday

I was tagged by the lovely @turbulentpumpkin43

@aparticularbandit, @fallsekings, @undyingembers​, and @dmagedgoods​ I don’t follow many writing blogs just yet! I love a lot of the RP blogs of friends I follow but I wasn’t certain if I could tag them.

As for my writing, I’ve got three things I’m trying to nail down on top of my writing prompt fic.

Hooves. Daeran and Kadira with some ridiculous domestic kink.

"You know, you don't have to continue." [[Kadee said.]]

"Well, I have little intention of continuing of what I was doing prior though I am flummoxed on what I did." After all, Daeran had the most remarkable sight of a beautiful tiefling woman sprawled on his lap and naked to the waist down. "Did I knick the sole of your foot?" He asked gently.

Apparently the sole of her hooves was a thing, or she called the velvety flesh hidden under her untrimmed hooves was a sole.  "Oh, no... I'm just... Not used to this." Kadee admitted, "My mother stopped trimming my hooves when I was young and I had to pick up the task."

"I want to." It's a gentle murmur that escaped him, something that surprised the count. "Who would not? The Knight Commander all vulnerable on my lap while we lounge on her bed after love making, she the smell of fire and oak and looking up at me with summer soft eyes. On the occasion, she will kick at my head, for no other fathomable reason other than she loathes me.

The tiefling laughed brightly, loudly - a sound that was just for Daeran. "But I don't!"

Unnamed. Daeran is awful at giving comfort to Lann.

"Kadira asked me to join her and simply told me that you were being incredibly difficult on a certain matter. Whatever happened to waiting for permission to sneeze?" The elegant man lifted a hand to shoo the question away, "Parental figures that have returned into your life always have a motive. I don't suppose she heard you were fabulously wealthy amongst your kind?" Lann bit back a barb, "Yeah, the good hunk of change dragging back armor and weapons has been lining my pockets. No, seriously, my mother's a merchant that arrived a couple of days ago. Fye even got this off of her." The card was still burning a hole in his pocket, and for someone who was trying not to seem nonchalant. Holding it out to Daeran, their fingers brushed and Lann wished it didn't affect him as it did.

At the least, not in public.

"'Ria Neath'," Daeran murmured, "The lovely older merchant, yes?" There's a lick of of his lips, and Lann knew it wasn't supposed to be lewd. Just biting back something nastier. "Her wears are nothing that would not get from Fey,Fey, Wilcer, or One Eye... oh, but the card is very nice. Thick luxurious paper, gold composite leaf embossing. No, your mother is not seeking wealth." Daeran slid the card into the pocket of his coat, smoothing the outside with his hand. "Perhaps her motives are far kinder than most wayward elderly parents? Dare I even consider you're displaying a remarkable stubbornness in not indulging your curiosity?"

Sequel to Tango. Because romantic face punching can only do so much.

Captivated, Lann simply stood there, fascinated by their movements. Dear Iomedae, they were both so graceful and so stupidly beautiful.

Kadee folded her kirtle over one of the chairs, her eyes met Lann’s. It was strange to see a tiefling have the expression of being caught by a hunter, her eyes wide and blue. There was a moment hesitancy before she smiled, approaching him, “You’re not getting undressed?”

“I figured you two needed a head start,” Lann was proud of how smooth that sounded despite the uncertainty of what to do next. Wendaug had taken his virginity but left him with little knowledge of intimacy even before her attempt to break his heart. “I don’t have quite as much to take off.”

“Well, that’s not what we call bedroom appropriate behavior,” Kadee smiled softly, the playful curve of her smile easily reached her eyes. She stopped when was close enough that Lann could smell her sweet-smoke scent

“I’ll have you know that I haven't been in a bedroom over ten years,” His fingers fumbled as he began to release the buckle of the straps of his shoulder guards, “So don't mind if I wing it, yeah?”

[fitemilk]

long post so settle in

when i was at the nail tech school tour, the owner (director, i think is her official title?) asked me why i wanted to be a nail tech. this is something my therapist prepared me for!

___

one of the goals i had for therapy was gaining enough confidence to career switch. i was unemployed for the longest time, had a brief but unsuccessful stint at a local game store, and have been unemployed since. i refused to go back to retail and needed to switch.

my therapist would always notice my nails during a session. they are well-manicured and the color was always different each session. they are also my natural nails.

after a couple of unsuccessful tries at finding something out there for me, she asked to see my nails up close. she got me talking. since we communicate using telehealth, i showed her the nail polish collection i’ve amassed for 18 years, neatly organized in an ikea file cabinet.

she was impressed. nearly every color has its own drawer. she remarked, “i think this is what you were meant to do, patton. i think you should pursue this.”

i told her a story. it goes like this:

——-

when i was a little kid, my mom would do my nails. my mom had a modest polish collection, stored in a small wooden box. they were older polishes, based on what i currently know. not from the 90s, when i was little, but earlier. some of them probably dated back to the 70s, but they were still good. back then, the range of colors was nowhere near as wide as it is now. it was pinks and reds, maybe a plum purple. my mom would paint my nails pink.

then in 1995 (i don’t know why i remember that year, but i do), the game changed. revlon had just put out its street wear line. finally! more than just pinks and reds and maybe that purple. there were blues, greens, yellows, even a black! i went gaga. my first one was a dark blue.

my auntie got me a markwins polish set for christmas when i was 13. it was HUGE. i think it was a 30-polish set. while everything else in the house may have been an absolute clusterfuck of a hoarder mess, i held on to my polishes.

when i moved out and out-of-state, i had three polishes in my possession — a frosty blue from mary kate & ashley (yeah, those twins), a orange from wild n’ crazy, and a sheer sky blue from revlon called bright sky. i still have the latter two! and i did my nails with bright sky last week!

i began to amass my collection once more. my mom was diagnosed with cancer shortly after i left home, and by 2009, my mom was dying. she signed a dnr (do not resuscitate) order, and by late summer/early fall, the time had come. my mom was in too much pain to continue. she was in at-home hospice care, in a hospital bed, hooked up to a morphine drip. i made my final visit. i was spending what little time i had left with my mom, watching tv, getting out any final stories we wanted to share.

my mom wanted me to do her nails one last time. she knew i brought polish with me, i always did any time i traveled. she picked out two colors — korean fruit and flower stand by carolyn new york for her hands (a light peachy coral crème) and cherry glaze by sally hansen salon for her feet (a slightly jelly neutral red)

it came around full circle.

my therapist was right. i was meant to do this.

————

when the director asked me why i wanted to be nail tech, i simply said, “my mom would paint my nails when i was a little kid. when i was older, i would paint hers. it’s something that i’ve always loved.”

she loved it. when i was leaving, she said, “i thing you’re going to do well here. you’ve got style, your pink hair is very nice!”

—-

and that’s my long-winded non-linear story

[pwblogarchive]

May 2002

May 2, 2002

“i wrote a reminder to make sure i remembered to sleep through everything today.” 

it turns out i didn’t need the note. the sky is dark and open over school- if i didn’t know better i would think this might be hell. my core is copper.

i would kill to make it gold.

May 4, 2002

“you’re just a glorified mommas boy” 

spiderman- what a piece of shit. seriously so many complaints i’m not gonna list them all. from the shitty cgi to the people on the bridge “nobody messes with new yorkers” post 9/11 line. horrible. the only people into this crap probably never read a comic. thanks for ruining another piece of my childhood. enough being bitter about a movie haha. i’m going to american nightmare tonight and you’re probably not. too bad for you. oh yeah brand new smokes everything out there right now.

heart pete

May 5, 2002

“i saved latin, what did you ever do?”

i recieved my first hatemail for this thing- PRICELESS. it only adds to the narcissism.

okay after much flak for my attack on spider-man i’m gonna go for more and rate comic movies-

batman [tim burton you can’t go wrong]

batman 2 [see above comment]

superman [for nostolgia- hackman is great barely edged out x-men]

X-Men [the only good recent adaptation in my eyes- very true to the comic but at the same time not nerdy haha]

The Punisher [this thing simply beats ass, dolph lundgren word]

superman 2 [not as good as the first but still up there]

Captain America [so bad but so good]

superman 3 and 4 [tied for crappiness]

Hulk the tv show [only low on the list cause this is supposed to be movies but honestly i’d rather see this in the theater over the crap beneath it]

spider-man 70s version [it’s bad that this thing beat out the new spiderman cause its pretty much a piece of shit]

new spider-man

honorable mention- superman: quest for peace (sucked my balls) and Fantastic Four movie (i’ve never actually seen this but supposedly ben johnson the rock guy is made out of foam)

sitting in the computer lab= me wasting time thinking about how i am going to be far away from here in a van all summer.

driving home tonight= calling up everybody i know so i don’t drive off into the night by accident.

trying to fall asleep= thinking about you.

i bet i’ll be awake forever.

May 9, 2002

“a trophy wife in the parlance of our times”

yeah. i am sick. it sucks. tommorrow Arma is playing at Rubes for what may be our last chicago show ever- we’ll see. like anyone even cares. my birthday is on june 5 though i will be accepting presents all month. remember i like nightmare before christmas toys, live animals (no cats or dogs only scaled things), and i wear extra- small from everywhere but banana republic where i only wear a small.

at least you have your health.

pete

May 12, 2002

“i know i’m not your favorite record anyhow”

thanks to everyone who made the trek through madmax country to see us. i think we may have played the Orphans secret hide out. i hope noone got beaten up too badly.

also, please keep the anonymous slander and shittalking focused on me here. A. i am an egomaniac and it helps me feel like the world revolves around me B. Heather is a cool girl- shes probably like 5 years younger than who ever is talking shit- so stop or have the balls to leave your name.

come out an see us at hellfest, it is always fun- im sure we will have some suprises for everyone.

May 13, 2002

“somehow i think this was all a big mistake.”

and noone should ever feel this way.

May 16, 2002

“the score.”

star wars rules. girls do not.

May 18, 2002

“the phone is lying on the ground twisted and dead- off the hook. i look at it adoringly wishing it was you.”

sleep is such a good thing.

i wish i was better at it.

pete

May 19, 2002

“nothing you say or do is real to anyone” 

i woke up today and thought- i wish you would prove me wrong. and your lipstick tastes like shit. and you remind me of everyone else. and how i love to laugh at bad movies with you. i felt not dead for the first time in awhile when i sat out on my roof and watched all of the backyards. i yelled at the city but i don’t think you heard “be yourself, don’t ever apologize”. the phone is ringing. my feet are running up the stairs. i hope that its you.

May 24, 2002

“the greatest 21st century romance”

sometimes i wish i smoked- i bet cigarettes are like friends.

i wish you could buy friends in packs and then burn them.

i vaguely remember watching jacobs ladder when i was little. i watched it last night and realized my nightmares are exactly out of that movie.

it’s really strange.

when he said “there are five great kisses on record and this one topped them all” doesn’t it make you wonder what the other five kisses were?

sometimes i’m sure one of mine made it.

but then brandonbobbybagwell emails me and i feel relieved that i am just the same shitty boy who still lives with his parents.

May 25, 2002

“with friends like you, who need friends”

gordon gecko is pretty awsome.

we hung out the other day and he ate like 11 crickets.

it was so great.

i wrote the people at captain crunch today.

pretty good letter it included lots of swears and stuff telling them it’s about time he gets a higher rank than captain.

for the record vanilla coke is pretty great.

i came up with a scam that will get me 20,000 dollars by this summer.

it’s gonna rule.

so is the movie bottle rocket and the boxcar racer cd.

today will be spent painting my nails with whiteout and eating coco puffs for every meal.

i think i am mildy retarded.

May 26, 2002

spitalfield smokes. knockout was good and so was showoff. good show. once again got tricked into going to a party which once again sucked.

im gonna create a blog- if you’re lucky you’ll get an email. no more real stuff will be posted on here.

pete

May 30, 2002

“i wish i was drunk or dead”

i called mike from American Movie tonight- greatest guy ever. go watch this movie- you will not be disappointed.

fall out boy record will own you.

oh yeah and thanks for my birthday presents. you are always the nicest and i am always such a wreck- im sorry.

[rafesangelita]

₊˚⊹˚ 𐙚 𝐬𝐚𝐥𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐞

pairing: rafe cameron x fem!reader

summary: ❝the summer’s hot, and i’ve been waiting for you all this time.❞ — rafe finally comes back home from his two-month long family vacation, surprising you in the middle of the night.

warnings: established relationship, ward overhears you and rafe on the phone, dry humping, heavy petting, oral (f receiving), face sitting, multiple orgasms, dirty talk, unprotected sex

word count: 2.3k

a/n: it literally makes me so happy when i see the feedback you guys give me, especially when you show your support by reblogging or simply liking. i love and appreciate every single one of you <333 series masterlist

“you’re actually lying.” tears were already forming in your eyes as rafe spoke on the other line. “i wish i was, baby. we were supposed to fly back in this morning but some weather shit got in the way, so we’re kinda stuck here until they let us know when there’s another flight available.” you sighed, trying your best to keep your voice from shaking. “have you asked the airport people already?” there was a slight pause before rafe answered.

“they said it could be weeks since the hurricanes here get pretty crazy.” weeks?! you thought you could die right now. “i’m so mad my parents didn’t let me go.” the tears were falling now. you and rafe had never been apart for this long. with all the built up anticipation, you couldn’t help but get youreself excited and hopeful about seeing him today, just for all of it to come crashing down with a single phone call. “i wish you were here too, babe. i got you a bunch of stuff from the shopping centers here, i think you’ll love it.” you wanted to cry harder because of how sweet he was.

“aww, you didn’t have to do that for me, baby.” you cooed, your heart fluttering in your chest when you heard the smile in his voice. “at least you’re going on winter vacation with me.” you nodded, trying to stay as positive as you can. “that’s true. i can’t help but to think my parents are trying to torture me or something,” you laughed, “they heard the words ‘shared hotel room’ and freaked out.” rafe shook his head even though you couldn’t see him. “they did, right?” he glanced at the tv, the weather report still the same.

“yeah, but rightfully so i guess. could you imagine if we shared a room for two months?” you bit your lip at the idea. “it’s a good thing we didn’t tell them that we’d have a whole cabin to ourselves in december.” you shut your eyes for a moment, wishing so bad that you could speed up the time. “you need to come back to me already. i’m sad and horny.” rafe snorted at your words. “hey, at least we know we could have amazing phone sex.” before you could respond, you heard what sounded like ward in the background.

“come on, rafe. seriously man?” you gasped, shooting up from your bed. “rafe! i thought you were somehwere private!” your cheeks were on fire with how hard you were blushing right now. “tell ward i said hi.” rafe did as you asked, a muffled ‘hey, sweetheart.’ sounding on the other line. “wheezie and sarah there?” as if you could be anymore mortified right now. “nah, they went to a gift shop with rose.” thank, god. “well, i told lia that i’d go with her to the beach for a little, so i better start getting ready.” you put him on speaker, opening your drawer that had all your bikini’s in it.

“all right, i’m gonna let you go babe,” rafe sighed, “i’ll update you as soon as i find something out.” you chose a top, and grabbed a pair of jean shorts as you started changing. “okay. i’ll see you soon, love you.” you smiled when he kissed the mic. “i love you more, i’ll talk to you later.” you hung up, feeling slightly better after hearing his voice. it didn’t take you long to pack your beach tote, lia picking you up soon after.

you spent the rest of the day with your friend, both of you taking pictures and reading your books. “wanna stay the night at mine? i could really go for some pizza right now.” lia pouted as she pulled into your driveway. “i wish. i have to go to breakfast with my family tomorrow.” she put the car in park, looking at you apologetically. “oh, that’s right! it’s okay, hang tomorrow afterwards?” you grabbed your bag from the backseat. “for sure. i’ll call you when i get home.” she nodded, in which you waved. “hey! send me the pictures we took!” you shouted as she rode off.

“hey, guys,” you greeted your parents as you closed the front door behind you. they were curled up on the couch watching a movie. “hey!” your mom whispered, not wanting to wake your father who was resting his head on her lap. they always looked so cute together. “i’m gonna go shower. goodnight.” you walked past them, eagerly waiting to check your phone to see if you had any messages from rafe.

[2:32 PM] loml <3: still the same bs. i’ll try to call you again tonight

you gasped at the timestamp. that was hours ago. it was about ten o’clock now, and you were definitely feeling the effects of your activities today.

[10:02 PM] y/n: superrr sleepy rn, i’ll still answer if you call bb

you waited until the message delivered and quickly got in the shower. after washing your hair and rinsing yourself off, you changed into an oversized t-shirt and called it a night. you don’t know how long you’d been asleep for, but your eyes were fluttering open as you felt your bed dip beside you.

your heart dropped when you saw a dark figure looming over you, a loud gasp escaping your lips. before you could scream, a large hand covered your mouth. your eyes widening as you starting hitting the person against their chest. “baby, it’s me! it’s me!” you stopped as soon as you heard his voice, rafe’s hand slowly moving away from your face. “what the hell!” you whispered, immediately throwing your arms around him. “how are you here right now?” you reached over, turning on the small lamp on your nightstand.

the soft light barely did anything to illuminate the space, but your heart skipped a beat once you could make out his features. you stared at each other for a few moments before he took your lips into a searing kiss. “fuck, i missed you so much.” he leaned all his body weight on top of you, the feeling nearly bringing you to tears. “two months, rafe. never again.” you scolded him, letting him settle between your thighs. “my dad pulled some strings and we were able to come back today. just landed like an hour ago.” he could barely talk as he kissed you inbetween his words.

the reality of the situation made you stop, your body freezing underneath him. “what?” he looked at you confused. “my parents are here! how did you even get in?” you scrambled to get up, locking your door before you could get caught. when you turned around, rafe was laying flat on your mattress, a sliver of skin poking out from under his t-shirt. “my key. they were knocked out cold on the couch, so i just snuck up here.” he propped himself up on his elbows, his eyes falling to your bare thighs. “you wearing anything underneath that?” you smiled before shaking your head and lifting up the hem of your shirt teasingly. “no.” rafe’s gaze darkened as he watched you straddle him.

“why?” his hands ran up your thighs, squeezing the flesh before they settled on your hips. you shrugged. “just wanted to be ready for you.” rafe could already feel his cock hardening with your words alone. “yeah?” he dragged your hips against his, your naked cunt rubbing against his shorts. “fuck,” you whimpered, letting your head fall to the side as you balanced yourself on your palms. “i missed hearing that. missed seeing you like this.” he took the shirt off of you, marveling at the sight of your bare figure on top of him.

“i want you to get yourself off on me,” rafe splayed a hand over your stomach, “wanna watch you move.” you grabbed his hand, placing his middle and ring fingers in your mouth, your hips grinding against him. “you’re so fucking perfect, ‘don’t know how i made it two months without you.” you moaned, sucking his digits while you started a steady rhythm. you knew you were overly sensitive because of how long it’d been without him here, but you couldn’t help the aftershocks that came with your clit rubbing against his hard on.

rafe groaned, knowing he wouldn’t last too long like this. while he spewed out the most filthy things you’ve ever heard, you sped up, desperate to reach the high you were so close to. rafe screwed his eyes shut, stopping you just before he could cum in his shorts. the sound of both of you trying to catch your breaths filtered throughout your room as you blinked down at him. “i was so close,” you pouted, clenching around nothing. “ride my face.” your eyes widened. “what?” rafe grabbed you by your waist, a yelp leaving your lips as he held you above his mouth.

you shuddered when you felt his breath fanning against the inside of your thighs. “are you su- fuck!” you cried when you felt his tongue where you ached for him the most. “oh my god, rafe,” he was quick to interwine his fingers with yours, holding you tightly so you couldn’t move away. this was new for both of you, but rafe was quickly realizing that watching you with your jaw slacked and greedily chasing his tongue with your hips was becoming his new favorite view.

he moaned against your soaked cunt, the slight vibration making your eyes roll back. “r-rafe!” your hips stuttered as you felt the sweet release of pure euphoria wash over you. rafe held you tighter against him, his tongue attacking your clit as you shook uncontrollably. two months of phone sex could never compare to the real thing, your breaths becoming labored as rafe laid you down. “i’m gonna fuck you senseless.” rafe kissed you, your wetness still on his lips as he did so. just as you pulled away, a knock sounded from your bedroom door.

“y/n, is everything okay honey?” your eyes widened as rafe took the opportunity to roll one of your nipples between his fingers, your face burying in his chest to muffle the moan that left your mouth. “i-i’m okay! just.. cramps!” rafe trailed sloppy kisses across your neck, smiling against your skin as you struggled to formulate a single sentence. “aw i hope you feel better, call me if you need anything, love.” you waited until her footsteps receeded down the hallway before you smacked rafe playfully. “you’re terrible!” you laughed.

he took off his shirt, his muscles on full display as he discarded his shorts. fuck, he was glorious. “yeah, but you love me.” you smiled as he slotted himself between your legs, shivering once you felt his cock sit between your folds. “i do love you.” rafe ran his fingers through your hair, caging you between his arms as he slid into you, a moan sounding from both your mouths. you stretched around him so deliciously, rafe’s head resting in the crook of your neck.

“is that my favorite body wash?” he looked up, pecking your jaw when you nodded. “something told me to use it tonight.” your eyes fluttered shut when rafe pulled out, pushing back into you as he hooked your thigh around his waist. “this is all i could think about over there,” he sighed, “i just wanted to feel this perfect pussy squeezing around me.” you mewled at his words, your nails digging into his shoulders. “did you think about me, baby?”

you nodded, your back arching into his chest. “fuck, yes. i missed having you on top of me, ‘missed taking your cock.” he groaned, lightly wrapping a hand around your neck as his pace sped up. rafe adjusted you so your head was resting on top of his arm as he kissed you roughly. his thrusts were unforgiving, soon the sound of skin slapping against skin echoed in your room. with the way the head of his cock was stroking that soft spot inside you, you couldn’t bring yourself to care if you were being too loud. you started meeting his thrusts, your clit meeting his pubic bone.

“you’re doing so fucking good for me.” he panted, his breath fanning your cheeks. you wrapped your arms around his neck, crying out into his skin. “don’t stop!” he covered your mouth, shushing you as he fucked into you relentlessly. “i got you, baby. ‘gonna fill up this pretty cunt with my cum.” you whimpered, tears welling in your eyes as you felt your second orgasm nearing. with a couple more thrusts, you found yourself falling over the edge, your climax hitting you in waves of pure ecstasy. “oh, fuck,” rafe’s jaw was clenched as he suppressed the groan that threatened to rip itself from his throat.

you reveled in the feeling of his seed spilling into you, his eyebrows knitting in pleasure as he continued to move sloppily. “fuck, i don’t think i ever came that hard before.” he removed his hand, allowing you to take a full breath. you sighed, curling into your boyfriend as he plopped down beside you. “i missed this the most.” he pressed a kiss to your temple, his fingers tracing shapes into your side. you smiled softly, draping an arm across his torso. “i could fall asleep like this..” rafe’s voice was hoarse, both of you yawning at the same time.

“me too,” you started, “i’m gonna go grab some water real quick, i’ll be right back.” he pulled you down for another kiss before letting you get up. you poked your head outside your door, slipping on a shirt and a pair of underwear before slipping out. you tiptoed down the stairs, walking into the kitchen where your mother sat with her laptop. “oh-” you smiled awkwardly, getting two water bottles out of the fridge. your mom looked up at you from her spot at the kitchen island.

“i take it that rafe is back from vacation? you’re lucky i left the volume up on the tv.”

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Eighteen - Golden Ticket

Today is the day.

I am sad to say that today is the last day I have with Jesse before they go back to Windsor tomorrow morning. They have been an awesome help during that time. Jesse was already busy painting the wall when I woke up. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. I did well, no we did well. None of the boxes are there anymore. Being up in the middle of the night really helps. I got up around two in the morning, unplanned, but I was awake like I had drunk five coffees in a row. I decided it would be best to just finish up the boxes till I pass out again, which I eventually did around two hours later. 

Jesse: Good, you're awake! You won’t be ready for this! James: Barely..:What's up, fuzzy? Jesse: Fuzzy? Nevermind! James: JESSE THE FUCK!?

Jesse pulled me out of the bed almost dragging me above my desk

Jesse: OK Close your eyes! James: Jesse your hand is in my face. How am I supposed to look anyway? Jesse: Ugh just….just go along pleaaaase James: Fine, eyes are shut. Jesse: *crack* TADAAA

Jesse pop a party popper vire inches above my head while proudly removing the blanket that has been covert up the wall all the time.

Jesse: AH! AH? What do you say??? James: This is. WOW! Oh my god Jesse you are a goddess!!! Jesse: I know, I’m awesome. But damn I’m so proud of myself right now James: You deserve that though.

I wasn’t kidding. Jesse has drawn the most amazing design I could have ever dreamed onto that wall. Shapes of lines and squares meet pastel colours. They even added the ivy I had above as well as the lights on the rope. This is just a dream. Now that that’s finished too, we have even more time to prepare for tonight's night out. That’s right, as a thank you for simply being, I looked up any clubs around town. And let me tell you, this city has a lot of clubs and pubs. But celebrating Jesse, I wanted it to be way over top. Luckily I found one called “Beast and Prey”. I know, the name suggests more of a dungeon but based on the dosent people giving over five star ratings I just assumed it is a regular club. Apart from that, the club is really fancy. Apparently it is a massive building, since it used to be some sort of theatre back in the days. Just reopened this summer, it has been modified into a club. Multiple bars and stages spread around four floors with music for everyone. They even have chill rooms in case you can't deal with too much social stuff. This just sounds perfect. I may or may not have a problem with the tickets but that’s what I have my friends for. Well, in terms of money it’s more Lucia but who’s asking. 

Discord conversation 

@Fallen_Jam Today at 11.34am

Ciao Lucia     I have a favour to ask you. 

@fantascìa Today at 11.46am

     Ehehe ciao caro, tutto bene? Ti piace Brighton? Haha sure what is it?

@Fallen_Jam Today at 11.46am

     Sì certo certo! Brighton è perfetto grazi So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before but Jesse came round to help me with the move and all. As a thankyou I wanted to take them to the Beast and Prey annnd…

@fantascìa Today at 11.50am

     And you thought I’d be able to get you two in?

@Fallen_Jam Today at 11.52am 

     Only if you’re able to! I mean, you’re hot so ehm.

@fantascìa Today at 11.54am

     First, thanks, I know. Second, You just became the tenth male person that reduced me to that.

@Fallen_Jam Today at 11.54am 

     OMG I DIDN'T, NO THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY THAT!!! 

@Fallen_Jam Today at 11.55am 

     LUCIA?!?!

@fantascìa Today at 11.55am

     OMG calm you A. I was just joking, I know how you mean it. Well, there is one thing tho, that you may haven’t thought about. I’m only able to get you in if, well I am with you. Otherwise the bouncer wouldn’t. Trust me, I tried before.

@Fallen_Jam Today at 11.55am 

     How about a really unfair trade? You can party with us with your money? Doesn't that sounds awesome! I bet you and Jesse would go well together, they are like you.

@fantascìa Today at 11.57am

     Bene! Send me the adresse and time and I’ll be at your place. GTG TTYL ciaooo!!!

Perfect. Now to overthrow Jesse. Originally I planned on just showing them the tickets but since Lucia will be at my door I might as well turn her into the ticket. So in the meantime, I got around five hours to get Jesse and me club ready without telling them  that we are going to a club. After all it is meant as a surprise. I convinced them to get into the city to get lunch and then just shop a bit, which they willingly agreed to. We went to a small and shady Italian restaurant. Both of us had a plate of pasta that was enormous, despite how cheap it was. It wasn’t the best I’ve eaten but it wasn’t the worst either. 

After lunch we just walked around the city. Of course I pushed Jesse into some clothes stores before I had the best idea ever. I started a game, where I let Jesse get us two fancy party outfits for tonight. But plot twist, I said it’s a party at my place. Unsurprisingly, Jesse agreed. So for the next two hours we were jumping around stores hunting down awesome fits for the club. We got back home around five in the eve, enough time to get ourselves ready for the party.I wrote Lucia to arrive around six thirteen so we have enough time to get there. Apparently Lucia has some golden ticket, which makes her some sort of supreme. Meaning we don’t really need tickets to get in, only Lucia. While I waited for Lucia, Jesse and I got dressed in our outfits. Luckily, today the Beast and Prey did not have a specific theme. Usually that’s their thing but today it is just a casual club. 

Jesse: You know, that was an awesome Idea! Getting dressed all fancy for no specific reason is just the best let me tell you. James: Yeah, definitely! Jesse: It’s almost a shame that no one can see us. James: Yeah, I mean Sarah can though. Jesse: Haha. Love the spirit but I don’t think that’s really Sarah Style. James: Okay yeah that is fair haha Jesse: You know what? I might make use of that one while I’m here. I think today is the best day for it. James: What do you mean?

I’ve regret anything. The moment I asked they grabbed deep in their bag and pulled out something shining, something magical, something…oh no.

James: OH FUCK OFF Jesse: Tada. A golden ticket for the local best club. James? Are you good?

You’ve got to be kidding me they got one too? I just stood jaw dropped in front of Jesse staring at the ticket I planned for this entire day. I noticed a ringing in my ear, caused by the doorbell that went off just a view seconds ago. That must have been Lucia. Normally I would rush down to open the door for her but I couldn’t. Sarah opened the door and Lucia went up to my room.

Lucia: LETS FUCKING PAR-ty? Wow. Did someone die or? Jesse: I think I killed James

They did kill me.

[josiebelladonna]

billie eilish syndrome: term i invented last night, used to describe someone who is so obsessed with being “real” and “authentic” that it actually comes across as fake. hard to spot if untrained, as they’ll often use words like “depression” and “anxiety”, but the key is to watch their behavior closely. you know someone has it when you see them and you get the weirdest feeling in your gut, like there’s just something “off” or too good to be true about them and part of you wants to fuck around and find out the truth

notable offenders: the namer, billie eilish. too many things about her either don’t add up or don’t make any sense, namely “follow me for my music and not the way i look” and yet here she is, often showing her tits and there’s this nagging feeling that you just got short-changed somewhere along the way; and “i write all my songs”, but compare her lyrics to the great writers of yesterday and even today like lana del rey and phoebe bridgers, they feel very one-note, overly obvious, and even lame, like imagine some poet somewhere getting overlooked by the attention they deserve over a pathetic line like “i don’t relate to you.” (if i was them, i’d be pissed). just because you write your own lyrics doesn’t mean they’re good—or that you yourself wrote your lyrics, finneas is always credited and songwriters often go unnoticed in the credits. for all we know, there may be 10 other people behind her in penning her songs. industry plants are like that.

another example is gipsygeek (alex skolnick’s… girlfriend? wife? who the fuck knows and i don’t really care, either). i stumbled on her blog last fall and everything about it just gave me this pit in my stomach, because, just like billie, nothing about her adds up. claiming to be in love with him and yet it’s just far too difficult to even talk about him out in the open. at this point, she’s tricked everyone who follows him into thinking she’s actually decent with her stupid, obnoxious image, with that ridiculous name that just looks racist—re: she may as well just use the “n” word—not wanting to be seen in public especially with him, doing really two-faced shit like claiming to be shy and yet talking to his followers as if they’re her own and having this really holier-than-thou attitude that is far too blatant to ignore. i mean, the fact you have to actually go to her profile on instagram in order to find anything about her because alex barely talks about her should tell you something—well, not this summer, anyway. every other post from him since june has her tagged in it… oof. saying that hits wrong is an understatement. that’s nearly right up there with those people who talk about their relationship every 10 minutes, simply because he barely did it in the past. what, you didn’t talk about her before and now because she was there when your mom was in the hospital she’s got your full attention? don’t say i didn’t warn you, alex.

a third example is xxgreendruidessxx, formerly known as daveighmustaine. now, i’ve talked about her more than i would like, but all i’m gonna say is one thing about her that still sticks out to me is her obsession with “real women”. “real women do this”. real women don’t give a shit about what you think.

a big symptom of it, besides the above, is an overall spoiled personality that is often subtle unless you really look, like really stop and look. billie has been absolutely inescapable the last couple of years, to the point loudwire is even talking about her and to the point where even the commenters are like “enough”: utterly spoiled by an already brain-dead industry that feels really gross but don’t expect me to give you sympathy, though, because you’re playing right into it. you would think after knowing alex as long as you have that you would, at some point since 2012, put on your big girl pants and grow the fuck up and have a photo with him, especially when he says it’s something he’ll remember forever AND ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU RUN A BUSINESS! completely spoiled by a gentle sweet jewish man who really did seem in love with you at some point and somewhere along the way you abused the goodness of his heart to the point i want to look at you and say “how dare you” before i slap you, hard, several times. and i don’t recall the green druidess ever being satisfied with anything, like i remember every other thing she said was a complaint. yeah, you bet i’m kicking back watching hurricane idalia coming for the south and her neck of the woods. i got my tropical system and my karma, now it’s your turn.

another defining trait of billie eilish syndrome is the lack of visibility elsewhere: billie may be a superstar here in the states but the rest of the world either can’t stand her or have never heard of her (canada doesn’t even like her: i’ve been seeing a growing number of canadians who are just as fed up with her as me). see the whole thing about having to go to gipsygeek’s profile just to see her. xxgreendruidessxx may have a dickload of reads on her fics but she’s fading fast, though. i haven’t seen anyone say anything about her in months. you also get a sense that they’re hiding something. it’s a bad sign when wikipedia changes every time you turn around. someone refusing pix with their partner is not shyness especially when they have a presence of their own, there’s no way around that. and face it: you mention something that happened to you on a public forum like tumblr, people are going to ask you about it.

there’s no cure for billie eilish syndrome rather than for you—you, not the person afflicted with it—to be cautious and have a keen eye. it’s exactly like when someone says they’re a badass: they are always not a badass. if someone says they’re authentic, they either are not or they are but in the worst way. what’s really scary about billie eilish syndrome is the writing on the wall will often present itself when you’re already neck-deep with them: i unhitched my wagon from billie when she did that ~girly~ photoshoot and i started seeing things she said in the past that got me thinking. the green druidess stabbed me in the back and then tried to cover her tracks by calling me the bad guy when i started paying closer attention to her past behavior. and… i am not a person of prayer by any means but i pray for alex every day. really, i wish i was like christine in seasons grey and that i can get him away from her.

when you do get away from them, you often have this feeling that you were just lied to and used from here to timbuktu, and you really have to resist the urge to not get back at them, whether it’s writing something scathing or wanting to strangle them. it’s in the vein of a grift except they didn’t take money from you, but some of your sanity: i barely go into fanfic tags anymore because of the green druidess. modern music honestly kills me because i know billie’s gonna be mentioned at some point. and i just want to tell alex, “RUN AWAY. NOW. BEFORE SHE DESTROYS YOU.” (she’s already on her way to destroying him, too: ever since he came back to the fold in early june, it was like someone flipped a switch, this is not the same alex we all know and love. something happened to him when we weren’t looking, and it wasn’t just mama.) at least i hope they didn’t take your money.

[fairlyabookie]

A Phone Call Away

Author’s note: Day 3 of Promptober: Phone Call

The blinding sun cast its radiance upon a landscape of golds and greens, projecting shadows upon a sea of estates, nearly glimmering in morning glory. Cobblestone streets twinkle and shine under the sun’s rays as citizens weave about in the streets, waking up to a pleasant morning. Jack almost missed this sight. Savanaclaw, a second home to the first year, warmed up to him with its resemblance to an oasis, a nestling ground for him and fellow students to relax and call home after a long day of class. Here, his true home of the Shaftlands, welcomed him home with open arms with its transcendent beauty. He wouldn’t admire how much he missed his own home.

Upon his arrival, two little critters, their voluminous tails of white bustling behind them, catch him mid-step. Toothy grins from both younger siblings welcome him,

“Big bro, you’re home!”

The little brother exclaims, nuzzling against Jack’s knee. His sister follows, already melting the older brother’s heart.

“I’m home. What do you have on your hand?”

“I’ve found some wild fruit over at a friend’s house! They have sapphire berries and peridot pears! Look!”

From just a quick glimpse, Jack could distinguish the flawless glimmer of the fruit - a precious sheen and makeup so fine, it would make a fortune if the Howl family chose to sell it.

“Good job finding it,”

A brotherly ruffle on the head elicits a sheepish smile from the younger sibling.

“Now, make sure to keep that in a safe place and show that to Mom and Dad during dinner, alright?”

“Yes, Big Brother!”

The two siblings oblige, but were quick on their feet to help their brother with his belongings. Being as athletic as he is in stature and agility, they easily take his luggage to his room, where he settled on the bed. Fatigue permeated his body, his muscles feeling heavy after a long day of toil from getting his belongings together and transporting back home. A light lunch would simply do to alleviate his exhaustive state. Suddenly, his phone chimes, [Reader]’s caller ID popping off in the interface.

“Jack speaking.”

“Hi, Jack.”

[Reader]’s soft voice answers on the other side of the line. Jack could picture a timid smile by their lips when they answered. His heart throbbed - he left his heart back at school, didn’t he? How [Reader], a classmate and friend, managed to worm their way to his heart was beyond him.

“How’s things going back home?”

“Good, my siblings showed me some fruits when I got home. They’ve grown since I last saw them.”

“That’s great.”

[Reader] replies airily. The silence following their words grew heavy. He bit down his lip, guilt swirling in his bosom. Maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned going home in the first place.

“How are you doing? Did Crowley make you do more work on campus?”

“Yea, since I’m stuck here with no way home, Crowley is making me look after school during Spring Break and Summer Break. I’m sure you know how he is..”

Right, they’re still looking for a way home.

“Yeah, I could stay behind to help you.”

“No, you don’t have to do that, Jack. You do have family waiting for you at home; I’m sure your folks will miss you even more if you don’t come home for the break.”

Jack’s heart broke even more. Helpless in the face of [Reader]’s situation, he still wanted to help them, as a friend, as a partner, and furthermore, as someone who cared about the student. If only [Reader] could understand, if only they could reciprocate his feelings. Don’t be foolish. He scolded himself, prompting himself for a response.

“They’ll be fine. My siblings will keep each other entertained and my parents can take care of them until I come home.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a capable family.”

“Yeah.”

A light chuckle emitted from [Reader]. From the call, it sounded like a scoff, but Jack knew it was a chuckle. They’re smiling. A chuckle out of bitterness, nostalgia for their family, or just a shallow chuckle, Jack couldn’t tell. If only I could see their face right now. He closed his eyes and pictured [Reader] standing before them, their charm and radiance just as he imagined. For a brief moment, he thought of taking him here, to take a break from Night Raven College and enjoy time with his family - maybe a better alternative in comparison to staying there all by their lonesome during breaks.

“I miss you.”

Jack froze. He’d never thought to hear those words from them, let alone on the day he returned home. To think we’ll be talking on the phone like this for two weeks. He could’ve stayed over with [Reader], so they can at least have someone to talk to during break. Yet, they could handle themselves - he saw their resilience as a magicless student in a magic enforced campus, diligent in their studies and sometimes mediocre attempts on practicing such magic. It was clear that they weren’t from this world; however, they were trying hard to fit in with their classmates.

“I miss you too.”

Jack replied, a bitter smile by his lips.

“I’ll call you back, alright? Don’t want you to get too lonely out there in school.”

That was a promise. Crowley wasn’t much help in communicating with [Reader], on top of being a headmaster, the eccentric man had “other matters” to attend to. [Reader] needs all the help they can get. With a new conviction, Jack awaited for their peer’s answer.

“Big bro Jack!”

A unison of voices anchors him back to reality. Anything that [Reader] had said before that he couldn’t hear.

“-call you later, Jack. Looks like you’ll be busy with your family.”

Jack fought back a sense of frustration. Should he ask for [Reader] to repeat what they said? For now, he’ll have to wait; the voices of his younger siblings were getting closer, urging him to play with them.

“Yeah.”

I love you.

The call ended on a bitter note. If only he had more time. If he had more time, he would’ve told [Reader] on how things will look up if the rest of the first years work with them, if they can perhaps work something out to find their way home, and if they can possibly come up with a lead.

“Big bro Jack, big bro Jack!”

“Yea, yea, I’m coming.”

Yellow gold eyes soften, tears brimming at the corners. A deep breath halts the dam of emotions welling up inside him. He parts with his phone, giving it one final glance before closing the door to his room.

[hypherr]

Hi, I am contacting you because I saw you mentioned somewhere that you have adhd, and I was wondering how did you still reached such incredible level. I have adhd too, and drawing has always been my passion also. But despite a whole life of practice, and doodling almost all the time, I always had a very hard time to understand anatomy and other technics, and because of adhd, I can’t focus neither motivate myself consistently to learn technics. I am also very inconsistent to draw proper illustrations, and also struggle to get things finished. Because of this, I have the feeling that I will never improve, and I gave up my life dream to become an illustrator. So, I was wondering how did you reached such incredible level despite of adhd difficulties, and if you had some helpful tips. Best regards.

Hey dude! Yeah, I can totally give you some tips that worked for me up until I got medicated :D I know a LOT of folks have to deal with ADHD, so I’m more than happy to try and give you some advice. 

I will preface that I tend to hyperfixate on things like drawing, so I put 200% effort into learning about it and I enjoy trying new methods of painting/drawing/whatever else. It’s still moreso reliant on the individual artist, but the below list is what I do and have done that kept me going:

Make studying into something that is interesting. By that I mean you don’t have to simply draw/study a pose for life drawing, you can make it interesting by drawing a character in that pose/doing that action so that it becomes something you’re more invested in instead of something you’re doing to just get better. I usually draw my OCs in the poses that I’m studying from pinterest or whatever, and it makes the process a lot more fun -

Do what YOU want, not what others say you should do. Not every style or process is for everyone. Stick with what interests you and it’ll make your ADHD brain happier. Getting trapped into the idea of “Oh, I should be good at line art” or “Oh, I should be really good at drawing in X style” when you’re not really interested in either of those things will bore you to no end. Personally, I settled with the fact that I don’t have patience for line art, I loathe using opaque brushes, and I despise having a million layers on my paintings. SO, I don’t do a line art pass; I just clean up my sketch layer which becomes my line art, I don’t use opaque brushes, and I keep my layers really limited. My way of drawing and painting is kinda unorthodox and I always have to explain it to clients when I send WIPs (I’m srs the way I work confuses ppl, especially non-artists lol), but the end result is always what they hired me for, so there are no complaints. Plus, I am MUCH comfier drawing and painting in my own “unique” way, and they’re cool with that. **NOTE: I still recommend checking out tutorials and such, but don’t feel like the artist who created the tutorial is god and that you must follow their teachings to a T. Ex. I love the artist kawanocy, and I have some Patreon stuff from him. His art process is too slow and clinical for me personally, but I still take bits and pieces from his teachings to incorporate them into my own workflow/my own art hacks. -

Only study when you want to. Naturally this doesn’t apply to you being in school for art (sometimes u gotta cry and just study away for an assignment), but if you’re not in the mood for drawing/studying, just don’t do it. It’s fine to take some time off!! I’ve had periods of months w/o drawing, especially during summer when I was in Uni. Sometimes you need to wait for inspiration to find u again -

Study from artists you admire and it won’t feel like studying.  FIRSTLY do not steal from artists you admire, just study their work. It is fine to trace AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT POST IT AND/OR CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN WORK. DO NOT DO THAT. I REPEAT, DO NOT CLAIM TRACED WORK AS YOUR OWN WORK. IT IS NOT YOUR OWN WORK. IF YOU POST TRACED WORK, YOU ARE STEALING ARTWORK AND BEING DISGRACEFUL AND DISRESPECTFUL TO THE ARTIST. Tracing is fine for STUDYING ONLY because your hand follows the path of the original artist’s hand and you get a literal feel for how they work and where their pen goes. I don’t rlly do this anymore, but I used to, esp when I wanted to do some low-brainpower studying.  The main point of #4 tho is to not be shy abt taking bits of ppl’s style and using it for yourself. Ex: I really really REALLY admire the art of  @/xafeelgood on instagram. I am particularly in love with the way they draw bodies and faces. @/chenbearpig on insta has an amazing style too, and I love love LOVE the way he paints. @/kawanocy has a very beautiful rendering style, and his lighting is v dramatic and impactful.  Obvi there are more ppl I admire than just those 3, but those were a lot of my inspirations with art when I was in uni, and they helped shape my style and made me excited to keep pursuing art and trying their styles/painting methods. You have to find artists who make you excited to keep going, and just study their art a bit, or watch a speedpaint to see how they make such glorious art. It is really fun and I always enjoy trying to breakdown how they do their art stuffs so that I can try and do smth similar!! -

Don’t give a fuck about how fast other people draw, how good other people are compared to you, or your follower count. The most helpful thing I told myself this year that has sent my career and drawing/painting ability into the next level is, “I don’t care.” So what if other people are better than me? So what if I’m not the greatest artist ever? I’m still good. I’m still getting paid. I’m loving art again. I’m still trying hard. I’m just not getting that worked up abt art anymore. It’s HARD to not give a fuck, I know that, but it’s only art. It’s really not that serious. It’s not life or death. You’re just here to have a good time and work towards getting better at illustration/drawing/whatever, yeah? It’s so cheesy, but we all have our own paths to take to get to where we want to go. I have died inside realizing that people who are like 16 are 100x better than me already. I used to feel like shit and like my progress didn’t mean anything compared to how amazing other people are, but now? I just don’t care. I’m doing my own thing and I’m vibing and enjoying my drawing time, and that is all I can hope for!!

That is all I can think of right now u3u I guess a final note to leave off on is that all of these tips probably won’t 100% work for you, and that’s totally cool. Again, it’s highly dependent on the individual, but I still hope some of these thoughts and suggestions can help you find ways to make drawing fun and interesting for you. 

I hope you keep drawing and illustrating, my dude u7u that is the best way to keep getting better

[luckyqueenreign]

major 🤡 alert!

Hey, HELP A GIRL OUT PLEASE i’m stuck in the love triangle with Suresh and Alfie. I KNOW! I’M DOWN BAD BUT hear me out. I actually really liked Alfie in the beginning and wasn’t even thinking about Suresh (hated him to be exact) but we all know what happened how the season progressed. Plus i’ve been reading y’all’s theories and everything on here and yeah that resulted in this. I literally tried to make myself hate Suresh over the past two months so bad but god dammit i just can’t do it 😭Every damn time when i was finally like okay there’s no way i’m taking him back (especially after i found out about Gabi coming in, their relationship and him switching to Lulu from the scripts) i open tumblr AND IT’S BACK AGAIN. Alfie looked like a way better option to me even after kissing Kat but recoupling with Meera after Casa was my last straw. Suresh on the other hand… we know damn well what was happening in the last 2 months. We all figured that in this season we simply gotta pick the least bad option so i feel like they’re both as bad as each other and i just don’t know who to go for. Plus their routes are literally 👏mirroring👏.These theories about them feeling like they don’t deserve MC break my heart even though they did her well dirty. Final recoupling is probably about to be next week and i’m over here on the biggest fence ever. I know it’s probably not a good idea asking this here (where a lot of Suresh stans are) but i would be beyond grateful if you could look at it objectively and try to find some advice 😭coz i’m dying over here. Thank you so much for reading this, have a nice day! <3

OK girly i'm going to try soooo hard to be impartial but I'm so not an Alfie girl so this may prove difficult for me 😩😬.

I also want to preface this by saying that when I was coupled with Alfie I took full advantage of that coupling to make Suresh jealous and I actually did start to like him. I found him super endearing and I felt bad that I was going to break his little heart...that is until he Cherrygated me 😡. And look did I kiss Suresh? Yeah I absolutely did! But Alfie wouldn't even wait two seconds to hear me out. And I've seen other girls post on here who did NOT kiss Suresh and when you didn't kiss him you had an option to tell Alfie nothing happened and he still didn't hear you out. BOO!!! I just also feel like with Alfie some of his words and actions don't line up. He tells you one day he wants to take things slow and the very next day is asking to do bits? He tells you two days in row he wants to end the summer with you, you're his only girl but then he kisses Kat and 2 days after that brings Meera back and is suddenly all about Meera. IDK for me... There just hasn't been enough of a redemption arc for Alfie like there has been for Suresh. And I'll get into his misgivings now. Suresh comes into the villa incredibly unapologetic and extremely cocky. It's clear he thinks that he's got this in the bag and he's going to win MC back, that these guys have absolutely no chance. But MC proves to be a bigger challenge than he originally anticipated and he's forced to deal with ALL of his demons. Suresh thinks he's changed before Arlo comes in but he obviously hasn't hes still acting the exact same way he was before. MC kisses/flirts with Alfie? He does the same with Arlo. He flirts with MC while with Arlo, which in it of itself is a dick move to both women (I mean I loved it...but im being impartial here It was a dick move) Then the whole casa speech. We all loved it but then NOTHING. We were all left scratching our heads confused like WTF happened to this man?? We all came up with theories to explain his odd behavior after Casa but then this week he confirmed our suspicions that he was hurting, he was struggling hard, but most of all he was SORRY. This man has never been this apologetic, this self-loathing without wanting anything in return. this man has properly changed, there's been growth and character development (I mean as much as there can be for a pixel game). I just dont feel like we see the same for Alfie.

But again take this info knowing I am not an Alfie girly. You may find an Alfie girly out there who will give you 845 reasons why he's redeemable and has had growth. 💖