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ryik-the-writer · 5 years ago

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Chapter 26 - Temporary Fix

[A03]

Chapter 1: Pan meets a Wendy Chapter 2: Scars (Felix’s Story) Chapter 3: Day One Chapter 4: Revenge and Fireflies Chapter 5: Brighter than Stars Chapter 6: filler: The Tigress Chapter 7: Operation Spotless! Chapter 8: Operation Spotless: Reporters Down Chapter 9: A Dance with the Devil Chapter 10: filler: Felix and the Pancake Chapter 11: The Girl with Blue Eyes pt. 1 Chapter 12: The Girl with Blue Eyes pt. 2 Chapter 13: The Girl With Blue Eyes: Underground Chapter 14. Recovery Chapter 14.2 Recovery some more Chapter 15: Trapped Chapter 16: Filth Chapter 17: Fairydust pt. 1 Chapter 18: Fairydust pt. 2 Chapter 19: The Mystery of the Dead Nun pt. 1 Chapter 20: The Mystery of the Dead Nun pt. 2 Chapter 21: The Mystery of the Dead Nun pt. 3 Chapter 22: Reflections pt. 1 Chapter 23: Reflections pt. 2

Chapter 24: Closing

Chapter 25: Felix is helping Pan

So guess what…

THIS BITCH FINALLY GOT A JOB AND HER OWN PLACE TO LIVE!!

HELL YEAH!!

So slight negative note on that: that kind of means updating is going to be REALLY slow for a while. The place I moved to, while really nice, is kind of out of my budget and I am pulling as many hours as possible to pay for it and such.

On top of that, the place doesn’t have internet and I’m trying to see what my budget will look like after I pay bills so I can consider getting my own (which I really need as a writer and as a journalist).

So just know, I’m not giving up on any of my stories. I’ve just started a new chapter of my life and have to let the ink dry before I can pick up my old interests.

Anyway, here’s Papers and Sleuthers…

-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-

Wendy half-heartedly checked that she had her notepad full of her old notes before she locked up to head to Peter’s. If he started acting up she could use her lack of supplies as an excuse to slip out. She truly hoped it wouldn’t come to that. She wanted this week to be a sort of awakening for them, a chance to finally pull the hatchet away from each other’s throats.

She was linked to him now in the worse way. They’d been through hell together so many times but it hadn’t done anything to shift their relationship into a more stable light. Perhaps if they took the chaos out of the equation something would change. Things really needed to.

She found herself checking her hair as she exited her apartment before she chastised herself. This was an after-hours investigation, not a date!

Wendy scoffed as she locked her door. Her and Pan on a date? What a nightmarish thought!

She grimaced when she reached his door, the unpleasant memory of confronting him the day Mother Superior died still vividly fresh.

“Tosser,” Wendy muttered, wanting to call him something much crueler. However, learning to tolerate him now that they were going to be in close proximity for an unknown amount of time might be beneficial.

With that, she took a deep breath and knocked softly on the door.

There was a light thud behind the wood before it opened, a wild Pan greeting her with a sharp once-over.

“You’re wearing that road-kill?” he scoffed, pointing harshly at her feathered sweater that had been more than appropriate for the weather.

So much for patience.

“Shove it,” Wendy hissed, pushing him into his trashed living room.

“The hell happened in here?”

Pan circled her, not answering, and pulled a giant marker board from the kitchen.

“I’ve started putting some notes together,” he said, adding a picture of Cruella de Vil on the board.

“Um…” Wendy started, her heart speeding up at the site of their old nemesis. “Where are we starting?”

Pan pondered at the start of his chaos. “From the beginning. The devil woman is our best bet. Somehow she set all of this off.”

“How do you figure that?” Wendy inquired.

Pan passed a folder over his shoulder to her, eyes still trained on the board.

Wendy shifted through its components, her gut dropping at the various photos of the dog murderer.

Her brow wrinkled in thought as she went through de Vil’s information. Exact date and location of birth unknown, though her last address was in Manchester…with her now-deceased husband. Wendy whistled at the rap sheet of her marriages. Four times, all but her last ending in death (the last abruptly ended in divorce following a major arrest of the husband.)

There was a scan of her passport as well, signifying that she had been in the country at least six months before she kidnapped Storybrooke’s dogs.

“Why here?” Wendy wondered aloud. “Why Storybrooke, and why dognapping? It’s such a cartoonish villain move.”

“Except in cartoons the villains wouldn’t bleed the dogs out and turn their skins into coats,” Pan muttered, back still to her.

“Coats?” Wendy gasped, the mental image making her stomach twist.

“Last page in the file,”

Wendy balanced the folder to find the page and blinked at the printed out copy of a news article before her.

MANCHESTER WOMAN CHARGED WITH 13 COUNTS OF ANIMAL CRUELTY

Wendy gulped at the picture of the drunk-looking mugshot of de Vil, her intense eyes seeming to stare right at Wendy, as if blaming her for her past crime.

A local woman is being charged with the kidnapping and death of several dogs.

The dogs, all of Dalmatian and mixed Dalmatian breeds, were taken out of the Manchester and Liverpool areas within a three week period, according to authorities.

The woman, identified as 39-year-old Cruella de Vil, was apprehended at an abandoned windmill outside of the Liverpool area where over 20 dogs were being kept. Upon her arrest animal control discovered the mutilated remains of eight dogs. The remaining five dogs very rushed to the Wrightsville Veterinarian clinic for emergency treatment, and are expected to survive.

De Vil is being held at the Wrightsville Police Station without bail.

This story will be updated as more information becomes available.

Wendy checked the date of the incident to find that Cruella committed her first act three years ago. She shifted to Pan’s slightly cleared off the counter to spread out the devil woman’s file and located an additional article.

MANCHESTER DOGNAPPER TRIAL UNDERWAY

The trial Manchester dognapper Cruella de Vil will begin Monday morning.

De Vil was charged with 13 counts of animal cruelty following the torture and murder of several dogs in January.

De Vil’s lawyer originally declined to comment of her client’s state for her case, but De Vil stated to the press before being led to the jail: “I’m not worried, Darlings. Who would sentence a woman in diamonds?”

Wendy snorted. Now that was quality journalism! She flipped to the next article.

‘DEVIL WOMAN’ CRUELLA DE VIL EXPOSES PLOT FOR DOGS DURING TRAIL

Manchester dognapper Cruella de Vil stated during her trial that she abducted the Dalmatians with the purpose of using their pelts for ‘the perfect coat’.

De Vil continued to go into great detail about how she mutilated the dogs ‘when it was their time’, much to the disturbance to the court.

“I took one pup by his stringy little tail and hoisted him up,” de Vil, who was clothed in an elaborate gown and furs, detailed, “The little bugger wouldn’t stop squealing, even after I slashed his throat open.”

Evidence shows that De Vil had dozens of sketches for coats not just for the Dalmatians she abducted, but also for poodle and Shi Tzu breeds. The sketches also showed plans for various muffs, boots, and glove items.

When asked what she was going to do with all the coats, De Vil said, “Why, wear them of course! I’ll be the envy of every bitch at the social club.”

De Vil's criminal record includes dozens of speeding tickets and two cases of vehicle homicide attempts. Records show that De Vil was acquitted for both cases and never paid off the tickets.

De Vil’s sentence trial will be held in October. Until then De Vil will be held in Manchester Sanitarium for the Mentally Unwell for further observation.

Wendy sighed in exhaustion. What a story! How could someone so heinous be so close to her neck of the woods?

The other articles were faded from an obvious lack of printer ink, but Wendy was able to make out enough from the headlines to guess what happened next.

De Vil was sentenced to two years in a different sanitarium that specialized in disorders like her. She was deemed “cured” after a year and released due to a special project. She left for America right afterward for a “fresh start”.

“Oh she stared fresh alright,” Wendy commented.

“Great,” Pan said from the board. “You’re where I was thirty minutes ago. Let me know when you get where I’m at now.”

Wendy resisted throwing De Vil’s folder at his head.

“I don’t think there’s anywhere else to go with this one,” Wendy pointed out. “She went crazy, killed a bunch of animals, ran here and started all over again. That’s really it.”

“But the motive!” Pan growled, looking her dead in the eye. Desperate. “There had to be something else. Maybe she was working for someone or trying to start a multi-dognapping franchise here or…”

Wendy edged back at the desperation in his voice. He was grasping at straws, but there were none left for him in this case.

“Pan,” Wendy tried carefully, “There’s nothing left,”

“How the hell would you know!” He shouted.

“Because sometimes people are just bad,” she shouted back. “Sometimes they do a few terrible things just to do them! There doesn’t have to be a reason or a great scheme behind their actions! They just cause chaos and kill over!” with a spike of adrenaline, she stepped up to him, feeling his hearted pounding in the buzzing air.

“Don’t they?”

Pan twitched, glaring at her with a raw sense of hatred.

Wendy thought for a moment he might throw her out, and she really didn’t want him to. Pan had to see logic, had to stop filling his mind with information that just wasn’t there, and she couldn’t just run off and leave him to fill in such non-existent gaps.

He’s scared. He’s frustrated. He needs to be kept busy.

With a deep breath, she stepped back to locate one of the other boxes on the couch, tensing a bit when she saw Jekyll’s name on the cardboard.

“We can start with him now,” she said, pulling out a folder.

In a flash, Pan slapped it out of her hand.

Wendy gasped and brought her stinging hand to her chest where a shallow papercut was surfacing, staring at Pan.

“I didn’t mean to do that,” he said, looking just as surprised as she did.

It was the closest thing to an apology she would get from him, she knew, and she expected it, but it still did not stop her from hating him.

“What is your problem!” she yelled as she sucked the blood from her stinging cut.

“Nothing,” Pan defended, though he was tenser than a tightly wound spring.

Wendy looked him over, trying to pinpoint the root of his harsh mood. Of course, going through their old cases was certainly stressful, with the memories that surfaced as they saw photos of their former nemesis faces…

Ah.

She stared at Jekyll’s case box where the corner of his photo was just peeking out, turning Wendy’s stomach.

Gods know what the site of him was doing to Pan.

The journalist stepped away, twisting to pick up de Vil’s box.

“What about her lackey’s?” Wendy inquired, picking through her file. She didn’t meet his eyes as she dug through the very scarce information. “We don’t know how they play into all of this outside their association with de Vil.”

Pan looked at her, his expression solid and unreadable, but Wendy swore she saw a glint of something in his eyes.

Gratitude?

No, Peter Pan didn’t thank anyone for what they did, for him or otherwise.

Good thing Wendy didn’t expect it from him, or anything else for that matter.

They began adding Horace and Jasper’s notes to de Vil’s board, though a now were quick glance told Wendy it wouldn’t add much. They were jailbirds on and off as far back as the records could show, became acquainted with de Vil sometime after their most recent parole hearing, and thanks to her and Pan were tucked safely in a Boston prison until they could be moved to one in London. Nothing more, nothing less.

But Pan wasn’t ready to accept that, so Wendy pretended to stay busy until she commented on ordering from the Chinese menu on Pan’s fridge.

Half an hour later they were sitting silently in his living room, munching on greasy eggrolls as they stared absently at the evidence before them.

Fuzz the cat made a lazy trail from Pan’s bedroom to where they were eating, plopping himself next to Wendy.

The blonde smiled, charmed by the odd-looking cat, and reached out to pet him.

Pan readied a warning. Fuzz was known to scratch first-time visitors to bleeding shreds, but with a flash of naughtiness, decided to let the little bird find that out for herself.

However, Fuzz the cat purred in delight at the attention and collapsed next to Wendy, hungry for more.

“You…slut!” Pan hissed at his sorry excuse of a cat.

Wendy’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

“The damn cat,” Pan barked, turning back to his food to begin another round of silence.

Wendy shrugged and quietly offered him another eggroll, which he took with no additional fuss.

It was strange, this quiet domesticity. No violence, no fighting, no apprehension of what was to come.

It would have been peaceful if it weren’t for the wave of uneasiness Pan was letting off.

His leg was shaking with antsiness, and he kept making small sounds to break the silence.

I suppose it’s better than him yelling, Wendy thought. Might as well attempt conversation.

“So…” she begun, earning a questioned glare mid-chew. “I…ran into someone today,”

Pan looked up at her, looking slightly bored.

“And?” he shrugged, mouth full.

Wendy shrugged. Of course it was a stupid thing to bring up. Pan probably knew everyone in Storybrooke, and he had little interest for all of them.

“It’s nothing,” Wendy responded. “Just thought he was…” She searched her vocabulary for the word to describe the man with unsettling charming manners.

“Different,”

Pan’s eyes flickered at that.

Wendy Darling was smitten.

“Sounds like a scoop,” Pan smirked. “Let’s go find him.”

Wendy coughed on her fried rice as he stood. “What?” she laughed, truly mystified.

“Let’s go meet this mystery man,”

Wendy blinked trying to comprehend his shift in emotion as he put on his coat.

“Pan, it was dark out, I didn’t get a good look at him,” she explained. “I don’t even know his name!”

“It’s Storybrooke,” Pan waved her off. “We’ll find out who he is in an hour.”

“This is insane,” she barked with a laugh.

Pan wadded up her jacket and threw it at her, earning a yelp.

“Well, I’m bored. Are you coming or not?”

She stared at him, wondering just how high up the cliff of insanity he had already climbed. Boredom was making him scattered-brained and seeking action in the tiniest occurrence.

It was sad, like watching an animal trying to chew its way out of a trap, but also fascinating. Pan needed her, whether he would say it in words or in action. He needed her to keep him from jumping off that cliff, especially when they had no way of knowing what was waiting for him at the bottom.

With an exhausted sigh, she unraveled her jacket and followed him into the icy night, missing his satisfied smirk as he closed the door.

.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.

Wendy was having trouble keeping on his heels. It was dark and cold and he was the only one who really knew where they were going.

If he even knew himself.

Pan was all over the place tonight, and Wendy was starting to get dizzy from his back-and-forth.

She was practically having to skip to keep up with him. It was like he was forgetting that she was with him. Already he was trying to focus on something else.

Her loud cobbling seemed to echo through the street of Storybrooke, and in the dim night she felt a wave of paranoia run up her spine. It sounded like there was someone behind them, following them.

“Do you hear that?” she asked Pan.

“No, here we are,”

He stopped so suddenly Wendy ran into him, her face hitting him square in the spine. She gained her balance and glared at him before she stepped to his side, staring into the bright building ahead as it spilled vibration into the night.

“What is that?”

“The Rabbit Hole,” Pan smirked. “Sleaziest place in town.”

Wendy snorted through a shiver. “And you thing the well-polished man I ran into tonight is in there?”

Pan shrugged. “Maybe. Either way I want a drink. Come on,”

Wendy followed him with a sigh. At least she would get out of the cold.

Her ears began ringing as soon as she entered the nightclub, her eyes cloudy from the flashing lights.

“I don’t know about this,” she shouted, her voice lost in the sound.

This time, Pan took hold of her sleeve and pulled her through the cluster of tipsy people.

“Good thing it’s not a workday,” Wendy muttered to herself as Pan pulled her to a cluttered table.

She swept bits of food off the sticky surface, wincing at the music and hard chairs. Across her Pan was staring out into the crowd, his eyes glistening bright as he watched the gyrating bodies.

“You…come here often,” Wendy joked, feeling claustrophobic and savagely out of place.

“Once or twice with Tiger Lily,” Pan shrugged, somehow able to hear her over the music.

“And you’re not deaf?” she shouted.

“It’s not loud enough. It never is.”

“Huh?”

Pan looked up from the dancing sin to stare at her. Really stare at her. Truly look at her for the first time in days.

Her hair was growing out more evenly, her curls had even started to come back.

But the bags under her eyes were darker, hollower. She was tired, and he knew it was his fault.

“You want to dance?”

Pan looked as shocked as Wendy was when he looked back up at her.

“Did I…did I hear you right?”

Pan’s bright red face was hidden by the flashing strobe lights. The fuck did he say that?

“You’re not deaf yet are you?” he smirked, standing. “Let’s go.”

Wendy glanced out onto the dance floor. “I…think I’m overdressed.”

Pan glanced out at the half-clothed bodies and chuckled. He slipped off his jacket and undid the first two buttons of his shirt.

Wendy’s heart leapt and her throat tightened.

“You’re turn.”

Wendy shot from her chair, her clothes suddenly feeling stuck to her skin.

“Oh don’t be so damn modest,” Pan cackled, easing out into the dance floor. These little outbursts were giving him some energy.

Wendy shivered, feeling naked under her multiple layers.

Damn it! Why the hell did he have to get under her skin so easily!

She clutched her sleeves, watching as he began to get swarmed by dancers.

Yet…strangely enough…he was still waiting for her. As if he actually wanted her to come out there with him.

Keep him distracted. Keep him busy.

And he was actually smiling!

Well…leering, but he wasn’t as threatening as usual.

With a groan, she shed her feathered coat and eased out into the crowd, instantly getting sucked into the vortex of sweat.

She reached out for stability, hoping she wouldn’t accidentally grope anyone. Out of the sea of grinders a hand grabbed her wrist and—thankfully or unthankfully, she wasn’t sure yet—she fell into Pan’s chest.

“Bet you didn’t do this kind of dancing in your London prep school,” Pan snarked against her hair.

Wendy detached herself from his chest, getting some much-needed space between them.

“I went to a public school, thank you,” she barked, a smile tugging at her lips. It was hard to find a balance with so many people crushing them together.

“What do we…how…” she yelled, desperate for just an inch for space.

She felt Pan’s laugh rumble against her chest, the feeling much more put-together than the vibrations in the air. His hands snaked up her shoulder and gave them just enough space so that they could look into each other’s eyes.

“Just do what I do.” He said.

I already do.

He took her hands and helped her sway in their tiny space. Wendy could have fainted from the heat and the shock of the situation. Here she was dancing with the biggest arse in the entire world! She must be as mad as he was bored!

Her heart pounded as she copied his movements, almost afraid to let him go. So many people were brushing and bumping into them. She could easily be trampled, and something told her she wasn’t leaving the bar tonight without at least a cracked rib.

She looked up to find Pan watching her. He looked strangely human. Less territorial and ready to fight.

Like he was actually…enjoying himself.

“Okay,” he instructed, pulling her arm over her head. He began twisting her wrist and Wendy caught on quickly, letting her twirl her until spots flashed before her eyes.

But he didn’t stop, and she kept going, catching the light in Pan’s eyes each time she spun back to him.

And before Wendy knew it, she was laughing, the sound much more soothing than the trash flowing through the intercoms.

For a moment Peter Pan and Wendy Darling weren’t small-town reporters who got into too much trouble far too often.

They were just two normal adults who were having a fun, random night.

Wendy couldn’t remember the last time she did something like this. Perhaps back in college…when she wasn’t as dark, before the bloodshed and the grittiness of the world became part of her daily routine.

And it was nice to be having this fresh taste of life with the person who had drug her into it.

“Not bad, Wendy Bird,” Pan teased as she grabbed on to his shoulder to stop the dizziness.

“Same to you, Peter Pan,

He scoffed, covering the hand on his shoulder and grasping this one.

“Let’s make you fly.”

With that, he pushed into the crowd, anchoring her with the hold on her arm. She spun back into him naturally, howling like a fool.

“Don’t let go if you’re going to do that,” she laughed.

“I promise, I won’t.”

Wendy had to admit, she rather liked this fun side of him. Sure, he was really just distracting himself from his current issues, but he was doing it in a constructive way that was keeping them both out of harm's way…mostly.

She nearly slammed into a dancer during her second twirl. When she spun back to Pan she was ready to tell him to try something else, but he looked so…happy.

She couldn’t do it…and had he had said he wouldn’t let her get hurt.

And she was safe…

Thank you.

Until he spun her out again…

Time to fly.

And let go.

He was gone in the blink of an eye and she stumbled out into the crowd.

The more drunkard dancers shoved her away and she stumbled to find stable ground.

“Pan!” She called out, drowning.

She was wedged between so many people, blind and hot.

“Pan!” She yelled again, feeling for him. “Where are—“

Someone’s elbow pounded into her lip and she flew to the sticky ground. Blood filled her mouth in seconds, and she stopped caring if she found Pan or not and started searching for a way off the dance floor.

Pan had taken them too far out. She had no idea where she was. People were stepping on her like she was nothing. On her hands, her hair.

She was going to die here. Had Pan done this on purpose? Had he really hoped her death would somehow entertain him?

She was going to die and no one would know until the club closed, or morning at least.

She was going to die…

“I got you lass!”

She was picked up effortlessly and drug from the crowd, the person clutching her moving through them like Moses through the parted sea.

A savior, it would seem.

Before her brain truly recognized what was going on, her savior had her outside, away from the noise and her unintentional murderers. Her lungs painfully filled with fresh, icy air and she started coughing up blood from her wound, very uncaring how disgusting she looked to her companion.

“There you go, love,” the savior—a man?—instructed, patting her back. “Get the sin out of your lungs.”

Love…

Wendy brushed her bangs from her eyes and met the haunting blue eyes of her earlier savior, the very man she and Pan had set off to find.

“You!” she gasped, nearly laughing with the insanity of it. “I…we…hi!”

He chuckled. “Hello again.”

She tried to catch her breath as she went back and forth with the odd coincidence and Pan’s disappearance.

Disappearance…or abonnement?

Wendy’s stomach flipped when the idea passed through her mind. It seemed almost too cruel for him to do, yet it seemed like something that he would do.

He was all over the place tonight, jumping back and forth like a frog on a scorching lily pad.

But really, he was always like that, she just hadn’t accepted it yet.

And now he had left her to be trampled to death in a night club, wandering off to gods’ knows where.

And he didn’t care. He just didn’t care.

“Are you alright?”

Wendy blinked, not realizing that her eyes had been misting.

“Yes, of course,” she breathed deeply and stood. “I just…I need to get home.” And get a club, she added to herself.

“I’ll walk you,” he offered immediately.

“Thank you, but I’m fine.”

The man chuckled. “Each time you say that I find you in peril,”

Wendy made a sound, not wanting to be rude but really not wanting to stick around much longer. “Really I’m fine. But thank you.” She nodded at him and began walking away, the raging fire in her heart, melting the ice in her bones.

“Killian Jones.”

Wendy paused and glanced back at him. “What?”

He smiled, at pearly whites and charm. “My name. I think it’s about time, you learned it.”

Wendy worried at her lip, letting the name rest on her mind. It suited him somehow. An old-world name for an old world charmed man. It was an interesting combination.

“I see. Well then, thank you, Killian Jones.” She said with a nod, picking back up her step.

“Wait.”

Wendy halted, slightly aggravated. If he turned out to be a maniac like Jekyll she’d bash his lights out with a chunk of ice.

He stepped forward, his hands resting in his pockets, showing he meant no harm, posed no threat.

“Would you like to get a drink sometime?”

Wendy laughed, her face burning. “That’s…forward.”

Jones chuckled with a shrug. “With your track record, the next time I may see you is in a hospital.”

Wendy shrugged that was true. She gave him another look over. Mysterious creature of the night.

She had learned already that trusting people was too dangerous, especially the kind who lurked in the dark.

She didn’t know him, and he, despite his multiple rescues, didn’t know her.

“Why on earth would you want to have a drink with a perfect stranger?” she inquired aloud.

Jones cocked his head, his eyes gleaming with intentions Wendy couldn’t trace.

“To get to know you, of course.”

Wendy stiffened, her anxiety rising.

“That’s not a good idea,” Wendy gasped, desperate for space. “I have to go find…” she shook her head, her mind too cluttered to find a definition for her current view of Pan.

“If you change your mind,” Jones called after her. “I’ll be waiting. Tomorrow at the diner.”

Wendy increased her speed, making a direct line to Pan’s apartment.

She was going to kill him. She’d made the threat many times before but this time she meant it.

He left her.

He pulled her into all of this madness, and then just released her to break her neck without him.

Where had he gone? What temporary rush was he following now?

Why hadn’t he taken her with him?

She found his apartment the same way they had left it: locked up and dark. She searched for a spare key in the places anyone else would, but Pan wasn’t like everyone else and thus wouldn’t think to leave a spare key.

Out of aggravation, she picked up a loose brick, check over her shoulder, and hurled it into the glass.

It was exactly something Pan would do, and Wendy couldn’t help the small flame of satisfaction that came with damaging his property—which she had to plan to fix thank you very much.

She stormed in, flicking on lights and opening doors to find him. Fuzz the cat ran out of the bedroom as she checked behind checked in his closet.

“Pan!” she howled, her hands shaking.

Why?

“Where are you?”

Pan wasn’t there. He hadn’t returned to hide from her or even to continue their work. He had vanished completely with no warning for her.

With a stiff sob, she collapsed on the couch, feeling right at him with the shattered remains of his home.

“Peter…”

He left you.

“He left me.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

He wasn’t sure when or where he was.

But it was bright there, and surprisingly warm. It couldn’t be a memory of his childhood. Those were always dark and cold.

But he was somewhere…at least he thought it was him. There was glass in front of him, well-made and clean, and big enough to cover an entire wall.

But he couldn’t see his reflection…

Nor anything outside the window.

That’s why when the little bird flew closer, it terrified him.

“Stop…” he tried to scream just as the bird hit the window.

A loud bang…

It landed at his feet—

Its neck was broken.

He startled into consciousness, his fuzzy mind going into an automatic death mode.

Someone had grabbed him…he thought.

One second he was throwing Wendy out—letting her fly just enough from him—and then she was flying out of his grip while he was being pulled further from her.

He wasn’t sure what happened after that, but now he was tied up in some sort of darkroom, his hands above his head on some kind of meat hook, by the fill of it.

Something equivalent to a lantern was in the corner, giving him just enough light to keep him from going into a state of complete panic.

Jekyll’s prisons were always too bright.

A noise indicated he was no longer alone. A second later a door in the corner opened, and a man stepped in, the light behind him silhouetting him just long enough for Pan to get a good idea of him.

“Good to see you again,” the man said as he pulled a chair up and straddled it.

“Again?” Pan scoffed. “Go to hell, you wanker.”

“That’s captain to you, boy,” he returned firmly. “Captain Killian Jones, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t care, and know, who the fuck you are.”

“I don’t expect you to,” Killian said casually.

“I tend to forget people who aren’t worth remembering,” Pan smirked, his face warmer from the trail of blood leaking from his temple.

Killian chuckled, charmed. This was going to be the most fun he’d had in a while.

“I suppose it won’t matter anyway,” he sighed. “Not with you knocking on death’s door.”

Pan licked his lips. A challenge at last!

“Oh really?”

“Yes,” Killian said. “You see m’boy, I’ve been sent by someone who really wants you dead.”

“You’ll have to be a bit more specific,” Pan winked.

“No one you’ll need to worry about,” Killian alluded. “Just know that you’ve caused enough trouble that it warrants a very clean—and if you behave yourself—a very quick one.”

Pan scoffed. “If I’m scheduled to die, know that I’ll make my last days your worst,”

Killian seemed unphased by Pan’s threat, and while Pan wasn’t yet worried about it, it did make his gut turn just enough to be noticed.

Then, Killian laughed, and tapped his fingers on the back of the chair.

“You know, you actually gained our attention after that boy with the scar inquired Henry Jekyll’s files,”

Ice…the blood can’t move.

“Oh…I can’t quite remember his name…”

You have to keep count of the spasms…you have to know where the blood is going…

“That’s his benefit I suppose,” Killian smirked, watching as the blood drained from his face.

Felix…oh Felix I’m sorry…

“After all, it’d be a shame if that poor boy succumbed to one of his little fits in the privacy of his own home one afternoon…”

Pan bolted against the restraints, blood raging and teeth desperate to break skin.

“You fucking go near him I’ll kill you!”

Killian grabbed Pan by the jaw and forced him into the wall, pressing his knee into his stomach.

“I’d love to see you try,” Killian husked, his ice blues evenly hitting Pan’s forest greens. “I’d love to see you help any of them. Him, that pixie of a girl who hates you more than life itself…” his grin widened. “And that pretty blonde distraction you brought into this whole bloody mess.”

“Wendy…” the word left his lips before could stop it.

He didn’t know how to protect her the way he did the others.

“Such a pretty name,” Killian gloated. “Such a pretty girl at that. And she’s so desperate to find you, even after to abandoned her on a dangerous dance floor,”

Pan glared at him. “You bitch,”

Killian released him and made his way to the door.

“I’ll take no pleasure from killing her, m’boy,” Killian said, surprisingly quite truthfully. “However, this is as much to do with her as it does with you.”

Pan dug his nails into the cloth binding his wrists, trying desperately to stare a whole through Killian��s heart.

“How quick or how slowly she goes depends on what you can do for me within the next few days,”

Pan winced.

“Goodnight,” Killian winked, turning off the light and enclosing Pan in a blanket of darkness.

#darling pan #darling pan fic #wendy darling #peter pan #killian jones #captain hook #papers and sleuthers #ryik's fics

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audvidis · 6 years ago

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Goodbye Professional Overwatch: A Journey Ended

Hey all, I will no longer be continuing my journey in professional Overwatch. This announcement is probably a surprise for many of you. Because of this, I wanted to write something to avoid any misunderstandings, clarify my situation, and communicate my plans for the future. Hopefully this means this is also the last twitlonger I have to write because writing is not my strong suit, so please bear with me. To start, I will clear up any possible misconceptions. Yes, I signed with the Chengdu Hunters for season 2 of the Overwatch League. Yes, I moved to China in order to train with the team. No, I am not leaving while blindsiding the rest of the team. I had a talk with management about my situation and they were incredibly understanding. I have also told all my teammates personally well in advance of this announcement. Yes, I have already signed the termination and mutual release agreement regarding my Overwatch League contract. This decision has definitely been the most difficult one I’ve had to make in the 19 years I’ve been alive. The only thing on my mind the entire past year has been how to better myself as a player within Overwatch League, so this sudden shift has definitely left me with some degree of emotional confusion. There are a multitude of reasons that led me to this decision. First and foremost, I simply do not enjoy professional Overwatch as much as I did in the past. If you were to ask me one year ago how I felt about practicing Overwatch 14 hours a day, I would have gladly accepted the challenge and opportunity. Now, I can feel my mental levels draining extremely quickly while practicing, and I’m afraid I have reached levels of complete burnout for the game. Secondly, the disparity in cultural differences between western esports organizations and Chinese esports organizations were far greater than I had originally anticipated. The differing standards for work hours, privacy, living conditions, off-days, and work ethic were all extremely difficult for me to adjust to. The head coach also requires the team to communicate in 100% Chinese so it took a significantly higher amount of mental energy for me to translate everything in my head into English to understand and communicate. This applied not only to in-game practices, but also to vod reviews of our scrims. (To be honest, communicating in Mandarin was definitely the lesser of my problems. My Chinese reading and writing are definitely lackluster but my hearing and speaking improved strikingly quickly. After studying and memorizing a lot of in-game Overwatch terminology, I am now able to communicate and understand Chinese quite well in-game, at the very least definitely to a level that makes the game not insanely more difficult to play than with English communication.) I’m sure with more time I would have adjusted to these conditions; however, coupled with my burnout and lack of enjoyment for professional Overwatch only further led me to feeling absolutely and completely overwhelmed. After careful consideration of all these factors, I concluded that the best course of action for both me and the team would be for me to withdraw from competing. Personally, I felt it would not be healthy for my mental health to scrim and heavily practice for at least another 10 months. I have simply lost the passion and motivation that I used to have for competing in Overwatch. For my team, it would be unfair for them to play with someone who wasn’t able to mentally give 100% for practices and vod reviews. It would be selfish of me to continue with the rest of the team when I’ve lost that passion and drive for the game. I only had around a week of practice with the rest of the team, so I felt I was at a crossroads. Had I decided to leave after staying around any longer with the team, it would have been too late for me to comfortably withdraw myself from the team without causing serious in-game issues. Because the team was still in the early phases of practicing with me, I surmised that it was not too late to tell management how I honestly felt. To be honest, my plan was always to return to studying in university. Overwatch League was only an experiment in my life for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to try something completely new. If I don’t enjoy competing anymore and have no plans to further my future career path as a competitor in esports, then it is also more beneficial as a decision to just take a break until the next fall semester comes for university. So, this is the end of my journey as a competitor in esports. I want to give my thoughts and reflections for my journey in Overwatch League as a whole. As cheesy as it sounds, Overwatch League truly changed my life for the better and, in a sense, saved me. Before going into esports, I was a shut-in college student pursuing a major and future I had no passion in. I hated my life back then. Overwatch League gave me an opportunity at a fresh start and also immensely motivated me to change myself, both physically and personally, which has allowed me to become more confident and outgoing in the process. A large part of this was the knowledge that I was going to be seen by the public at least multiple times a week, whether it would be for interviews or media events done by marketing teams. I stopped having the only clothes I wore be clothes purchased by my parents and actually bought clothes for myself. Furthermore, being seen as a public figure of sorts also helped make me a lot more open-minded. Because of this, I cannot be more thankful for the opportunity of being able to play in the Overwatch League. This journey was surreal from start to finish, and I am so proud of being able to say I played in the inaugural season of the league. I had the time of my life, and I hold absolutely no regrets for my decision to drop out of university a year ago to play in OWL. It was the best decision of my life. As I said before, my plan now for the future is to take a nice break for myself until the next fall semester starts for university. I have currently applied to 3 universities, (UC Berkeley, UC Irvine, and UT Austin) so for now I’m waiting on admission into them as a freshman majoring in business. Who knows, I may return to the esports scene in the future through the business and management standpoint rather than as a competitor. The rapidly-growing esports industry fascinates me, and I would be completely honored to support its growth moving forward. Having esports reach the same level of fame and recognition as regular sports is one of my main motivators for choosing business as my major. I have finally found a major that I can be passionate about. As I’m currently in China, I would like to make the most of this trip because the last time I visited was more than 6 years ago. I’ll be sure to visit my parents’ hometown and go to some famous tourist spots to make this “vacation” memorable. After my trip in China ends and I return home to Texas, I intend on streaming very frequently. I might even be able to finally have a stream schedule. I still intend on playing Overwatch casually and having it be my main game to play when streaming. I think it will be a huge burden off my shoulders to be able to stream Overwatch from a casual perspective rather than from a professional one. I’m confident I’ll be able to enjoy streaming the game much more than before due to the significant decrease in pressure. Streaming will be my main focus during my long break until school starts, so please be on the lookout for that! Lastly, I would like to express my gratitude towards everyone who has supported me throughout my esports journey: Blizzard, my former teams and teammates, family, and fans. Thank you Blizzard for creating the Overwatch League and having it exceed all my expectations. I will never forget the experiences and memories I made and it will definitely be a story I can tell my friends and family many years into the future. Thank you to Royal Never Give Up for being a caring and understanding organization and allowing me to withdraw from the team when I felt it was the best decision. Special thanks to the manager 宝龙 and to Luke for aiding me when I was truly overwhelmed with everything. Thank you to my former teammates on Chengdu Hunters for being so kind and accepting of me. I only got to know you guys for a couple weeks but you guys have become dear friends to me. I’ll be cheering for you guys in season 2, can’t wait to see what you accomplish as a team! When you all arrive in LA, I’ll be sure to treat you guys to a nice dinner sometime. Thank you to my family for being so understanding. Although you didn’t approve of my decision to join esports in the beginning, eventually you guys became incredibly supportive and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Most importantly, thank you to my fans who continue to support me through everything. You guys have made my entire esports journey that much more special. Also, I’m not quitting Overwatch completely so I hope you all continue to support me when I start streaming frequently! I realize how long this twitlonger has become but I wanted every single one of my final thoughts to be on it. After all, this is the last one I’ll write (probably). If you actually managed to read through everything, I am genuinely impressed and applaud you. Farewell esports - thank you, thank you, and thank you. A journey that has finally come to an end. -Ted P.S. If anyone that is fluent in both Chinese and English (and has a truly insane amount of patience and time) would like to translate this twitlonger, please feel free to! I realize I have many Chinese fans that support me as well. I would greatly appreciate it!

source

#overwatch league

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jchichibu · 6 years ago

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Things that God told me.

Hi, this took me a little long to pen down. It’s not because I’m too busy or I’m procrastinating – but simply because I am someone who tends to rank priorities wrongly. Penning down my thoughts about my 7-month journey in SOT (School of Theology) was something I was tasked by Lester, but something I really wanted to do even before he asked for it. Take it as a reminder for me, and take it as a 17-minute read of my 7-month endeavour for anyone who is interested.

My name is Jasmine, better known as Chichibu or CCB (Titus 1:15 lol) and I am 24 this year (it’s still 2018 as of 6:43 PM 31 December 2018 as I pen this on my way home from Malacca on the coach :P). I graduated from City Harvest Church’s School of Theology Class of 2018, and the course began from 26 Feb and I graduated on 30 Sep. As quoted by one of my favourite persons in my life Claria, I am certainly the “last person ever you will think of going SOT”. True, SOT never once crossed my mind even being in church since I was 16 and every year they ask you to tell your neighbours “Join SOT!”, but I never wanted to, or never thought I needed to. Throughout my Christian walk, the OG and most tangible thing was the love of God. I was never the most holy, most spiritual, most caring, most enthusiastic person for Christ and I might feel somewhat stagnant in my walk (but I was contented honestly). I was becoming lukewarm. I forget to read the Bible, spurt vulgarities or flash finger signals I probably should never ever have, think or covet for things I should not and did things I’m not proud of. I sometimes would not want to show I am a Christian because I don’t want people to think badly of Christianity. I am just not a standard girl you would expect to want to go SOT.

However, a week before the closing of registration of SOT I had a push from God to join SOT. I went for a jog and I remembered clearly at the uphill of Toh Tuck Rise I made a decision to register for SOT. Yea, people who are not from my church will think I really sot, I just got lifted my burdens of having 4 private tutees out of my full time job, and now am I really doing this to myself? To burden myself with SOT, full time job and attempting have a social life? I was also motivated to have my routine of working out every morning and even had plans to sign up something with Ling Hui at the gym. SOT is a commitment and yes, I have to wake up at 7 AM everyday for SOT at 8.45 AM and end work generally when the sky is dark. Ok la obviously I just yolo-ed and ‘took a leap of faith’, said goodbye to chill 2018 and registered for SOT!!! Through it all I know that God will carry me through and nothing is too hard for Him. Though at that moment I really can’t believe I’m doing this to myself.

I am not going write about what SOT is about, but I am going to pen my revelations. I did keep a dated record of things that spoke to me throughout my journey and I hope some of these will relate to some of you and serve as a reminder for me as the year closes. Hopefully the (long) introduction above gave you some sort of context as to who I am, and now I begin: Things that God told me.

1. It is not by my might that I am saved, or that God loves me. You can rely on Jesus to forgive you, but do not take it for granted. Cheap grace is not what we are looking for here. When God forgives, remember to learn something from it and avoid the mistake again.

2. Since 16, I recalled every moment that I prayed for something, gets it eventually and forget that it was God. Countless times with my knees bent worshipping God in SOT, I was reminded of how smooth my life has been. I remember when I was 18, I was praying to get into a local university because my results were not fantastic. I was scared. But look, I got accepted into my first choices for the 3 local unis. I remember when I was 21, I got into exchange programme without even meeting the critieria of cGPA 3.5 (lol). I remember when I was 22, I was so anxious after my paper because I felt I would fail the paper and that means I will retain and not graduate with my peers (Ely do you remember us drinking Tiger at ahlian? Haha). Look, I scored a D or something in the end but I graduated as planned.

3. I’ve disappointed God several times, I am in church but I feel like shit, you know. I have had bad days, where I feel freaking unworthy of God to love me and I want to run away. Having the revelation that God has not disappointed me a single time makes me more mindful how mighty He is, and how weak I am, and how much I needed to stop disappointing God. We cannot not sin, truth is, we all have. But we can make a decision everyday to rely on God. The authority to defeat Satan is in me. God loves me so much. So so so so sosoososososososoooooo much what is my next move?

The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. “Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?” “No one, Master.” “Neither do I,” said Jesus. “Go on your way. From now on, don’t sin.” (John 8:9-11)

4. Learn to wait upon the Lord. Those who know me personally know I am a relatively fast paced person. I do not really like to wait or queue up for things and I speak super quickly.. I know Jeremiah 29:11 very well but I still plan things for myself anyway. Is this lack of faith/disbelief in God that I am experiencing? But I know God has a plan for me. You see, it gets very conflicting, for fear that my impatience will ‘spoil’ God’s good plans for me. As 2019 becomes less fast paced and I become older, may I calm my tits down and tarry in the Lord. It means to stay longer than expected and be patient in hope. Because for the record, God’s plans has always been good to me – when I see the big picture now for the uncertainties I felt in the past, everything makes sense. I need to truly believe that God will provide, God is truly the overseer of my life, God’s timing will come.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (Matthew 6:33)

5. Be thankful to God and always be. If you are thankful, you will always find your way back to Jesus. Take thanksgiving to God more seriously, EVERYDAY. And I thank God that every night before I sleep I always have something to be thankful about up.

6. Right values and right spirit translates to right actions. I’ve learnt to set boundaries for my value system, not everything is okay, even if my free-spirited soul tells me “aiya yolo” countless times. Spirit wise, I need to talk to God more consistently. The Holy Spirit is something I learnt to engage more in SOT, and I need to remember to communicate with it more (considering how slack I was in the past and it has yet become a habit). I am a reflection of my own routine.

7. To not find ways to see how close I can go without stepping over the line. Instead, think how far I can be from that line. This was mentioned during one of Pastor Ed’s session, struck a chord in me since then. People like me, free-spirited, come-what-may kind of personality, running away from things I deem as fun (but not exactly morally upright) is hard. I crave excitement and adventure. I need to learn, not everything that makes me happy is beneficial for me. I am responsible for my own freedom. Deliberate habitual sinning makes us okay to cross this line and it’s scary. I forget that it is actually not pleasing to God, I forget that it will hurt me, because I’ve gotten used to it, I’ve gotten immune to it. I do not feel bad anymore. And that itself, is toxic.

8. Repentance, I need to repent from things in my life. Inward change + outward action = repentance. I feel constantly that I’m doing both half-heartedly. It’s hard to truly 100% repent if I continue this way. Deal with the heart problem.

9. Life is worth living for the Lord. Quit thinking that life without acknowledging is my Saviour is better. I used to have thoughts that life would be better without being a Christian – I don’t have to feel shitty about having done something bad, I can sleep till super late on a Sunday, look my friends who are unchurched are living alright too… I envy them sometimes. Then I realised I need to be secured in my identity in Christ. I am a child of God, and knowing Jesus should be one of the best decisions of my life. Yes, people who do not know God can lead a good life too. But I should not think that knowing God has compromised my happiness and freedom in life. God gave us free-will and there is freedom in Him. Quitting Jesus will likely mean I am not returning.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love. (Galatians 5:13)

10. If we think closely about most of the things in our lives, there must be an exchange. I gave the auntie my 3 dollars in exchange for a plate of chicken rice this afternoon. The handicapped uncle busked in the streets in hope that someone could give him some money in exchange for his time. Jesus died in exchange for the forgiveness of our sins. I cannot keep taking for granted that I will go to heaven if I keep doing things not according to the will of God; I need to exchange something. Is it my lack of discipline, is it a person, is it a hobby? Surrender.

11. My life should not be a paradox. Make my words precious. From my heart, motives and mind, I need to understand why things cannot be done. Does my verbal profession translate to moral obedience? My life is the most powerful message for people. No one has seen Jesus but they have seen me. Live my life for Christ. Be mindful of what I speak about, don’t say or do things I don’t mean. Treat people genuinely. I should learn to not just receive God’s love, learn to give God some love too by loving His people. He deserves it. When people say my name, what do they say about?

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don’t act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will ﬁnd delight and afﬁrmation in the action. (James 1:22-25)

12. I can live at my own level of faith. I always categorise my friends as upz and never felt equivalent to them. You see, I don’t speak or edify people so much, I don’t lead people, I speak whatever comes my mind (#uncensored) and I am not a standard example of a holy person. Then I talked to some people I deemed as upz and I realised we are all human beings with real temptations and fears; whatever I face they face too, just differently but we have inadequencies. Maybe I’m just more vocal about these things, but everyone’s fighting their own battles even if they looked perfect on the exterior. I learnt that God did not create robots, but created us in His image… and we can be comfortable with who we are. I do not need to be whoever for God to love me more, God is happy with who I am, as long as I live my life with integrity, offline and online, real life or secret life. I can just stay rooted in Him based on my own pace. God isn’t impressed by human strength. If I want real and divine strength and power, first I have to be weak by the standards of this world. When I’m weak by the standards by the world, then I can get the grace to become strong in God. I need God.

For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. (Romans 12:3)

13. Leadership is not about title, leadership is about influence. Note to self about my life as a teacher or colleague or friend. I want to influence positively, I want to be someone who honours my word, that what I believe in is in sync with how I act out and live out.

14. God does not waste every experience I face in my life. No one knows the full shit I’ve experienced, the real training that I’ve been through but when the situation calls for it, I can be useful to people around me. Don’t come out of experiences empty-handed, instead bring treasures of darkness.

15. Read the Bible more, spend time with the Holy Spirit more, pray more. I was forced (ok, at the last feel moments of SOT I was truly forced due to time constraints) to complete the Bible and I realised how much wisdom the Bible has and how little I’ve read it through my years. Contradicting isn’t it? I fail to read the sole thing that was given to me to know God better. As I said earlier, my relationship with God is based on experience – experiencing His love. What if one day I stopped experiencing God’s love during sessions, will I still follow Jesus? The word is indeed important, in times of need I can become a blessing. I beat myself up for the fact that I lost time in my years as a Christian not reading the Bible as much as I should have, but may 2019 be a year where I find time on my own to look deeper into His word and know His word.

Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching. (II Timothy 4:2 NKJV)

Pray until inadequacy leaves me. Pray until my prayer is answered. Pray until my burden is lifted. Be close to the Holy Spirit and ensure that when God knocks at my door, I am available and present to answer it. My thought pattern is developed through years and I need to undo this thought pattern by the Holy Spirit, prayers and word of God.

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. (Matthew 6:6)

16. Make decisions when you are not emotionally unstable. Decisions is rooted in your character. Learn to stop acting on impulse. Learn to say no at times. Align my decisions with the will of God.

17. Whatever I focus on grows. Become wiser this year about the people, the finances, the health, the things i spend my time on...

Get wisdom—it’s worth more than money; choose insight over income every time. (Proverbs 16:16)

18. God loves me so much… through SOT, I am certain of the love of God. Now remember this and know that nothing I do or not do can make God love me lesser or more.

19. I can decide what comes into my heart. Let what is worth it come into your heart.

Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts. (Proverbs 4:23 – 27)

20. Be secure in myself, no need to strive to prove myself. If I’m good people can see.

21. If God speaks, will I be willing to listen?

Sooooo, is SOT necessary? To be honest, no. I was so tired at that time, thankful that my dad was able to send me to work straight after SOT at 1 PM. I had no time for myself at all, there was something to do that I cannot cancel everyday. SOT was more of a routine that I learnt to follow, a controlled environment for me to know God more. I had to praise and worship every morning, pray with my peers, read the Bible, complete assignments to graduate. It gave my life some sort of order because everyday I am put in an atmosphere that allows me to meet God. However life after SOT is what really mattered the most. Certainly I got distracted and travelling a lot during my holiday did not help. However, the experiences and revelations in SOT, those are things that cannot be taken away from me... that I just need to regularly be reinforced in my head and heart. My biggest takeaway for me is that nothing will make me leave God and nothing will make God leave me.

May life after this see me becoming more matured, where I have self-realisation as to what is good and bad for me, having a mature love for God that knows no fear because I’m fully convinced that God loves me sooooo super much. Live life with integrity!

This is by no means a 2019 New Year Resolution post because I don’t want that shit anymore (typing this on 31 Dec simply ‘cuz yo girl kept forgetting to do it since 30 Sep after graduation). I’m sure I am bound to make mistakes and bound to screw up and get lost again in my life time but I just want to live my life to my best. Life never really turn out the way it is planned – some parts better than you planned, some parts worse than you planned. A general word for 2019 though, Gr. Apokaradokia: To wait with expectation with head raised and eyes ﬁxed over the horizon –

+ Apo: Means to turn away with concentration. Ignoring other interests.

+ Kara: Means head.

+ Dokia: Means to stretch forward.

Two of my favourite verses throughout my SOT times and have a blessed year ahead.

But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously— take God seriously. (Micah 6:8 MSG)

God , your God, has blessed you in everything you have done. He has guarded you in your travels through this immense wilderness. For forty years now, God , your God, has been right here with you. You haven’t lacked one thing. (Deuteronomy 2:7 MSG)

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methodsimaginariumuniverse-blog · 6 years ago

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Final Reflection

Over the course of this semester I have engaged in an entrepreneurial initiative as part of my “creative methods and entrepreneurial initiatives” subject. A fundamental part of this assignment has been to maintain regular journal entries, and record our progression and experience of the subject. I believe I have kept an honest approach, and engaged with it well. I sought to ensure I recorded what was happening in class, where I thought it would be relevant and even if it was not, and our pre-work each week. At the time this seemed to be necessary as anything we covered in this subject was always going to be an inextricable part of the subject as we had to begin this blog before the assignment, and that it would be fundamental information for our entrepreneurial initiative.

A constant online record of class and our assignment was at times tedious and frustrating, and I struggled at times to regulate my engagement with it. I first began researching the reasoning for maintaining a work diary, as found in our pre work for the first week of semester, and while I consider journalling to suit a lot of people, particularly successful people I also find it apocryphal. That being said it enhanced my understanding of how to create value by forcing me to synthesis and record exactly what things meant to me and why. For example; “What does entrepreneurial thinking mean to me?” Eventually this prompted me to define Entrepreneurial Thinking as “calling for thinking not only outside of the box, but beyond what is expected of an individual and their idea.”

Then, it made me consider previous methods of creating value and make note of them. This being previous methods from other subjects and the previous semester. I narrowed these down to Method number 1; Beautiful Questioning, which pushes one to create a single question that solves the root cause of a problem rather than one aspect of it. Method number 2; Background Investigation Reports, which makes one understand context of a problem and the problems environment in a neat format. Method number 3; similar to method number two was a manifesto, which I synthesised as a method of drawing everything I knew around a problem into a single, tangible and accessible space. Finally, Method number 4; Journalling, I did struggle with this method last semester, but I believe I have learnt from mistakes made in that assignment and would not repeat them for this assignment. In a post I made not long after recording these methods I wrote; “I do not like to profligate knowledge. And so this has inspired me to be meticulous with the journalling in this subject. I felt that I did an above average job of book-keeping for our Lab 1 course last semester, but one can always improve, and always learn.” I believe, or at least hope I have been successful.

Next, we understood how to create value through a small study of ‘Take Back The Economy’. This reminded me in a way of Virginia Woolf’s ‘A room of ones own and three guineas’, as I felt it established a good idea of how the economy works and how the every day individual can work to enhance it. I found this to be a practical and enjoyable read, especially when it moved me to investigate further and I began researching initiatives and inventions mentioned in the book, such as the Phillips Machine and the MONIAC.

I found our exercise on ‘reframing the economy’ with the iceberg to be beneficial since it made me consider visual and hidden economic factors; an example of visible factors being finance, and hidden being time and effort. This helped me to reframe how I was looking at problems and solutions, and drove me to consider all the different aspects of an entrepreneurial initiative when it was our turn to create one. Moreover, at the beginning of class we completed different exercises such as the wallet exercise, which prompted us to design a wallet for another member of a cohort depending on their needs. This was important as it established a starting place for our design and entrepreneurial initiatives journey, and helped me to gauge how I had progressed throughout the semester. Furthermore, Lucy from STITCH, a startup UTS has partnered with taught us how to create value by sharing her experiences. Her advice on confidence, ones ability to network and learn from people was invaluable. But not more so than her talk on how to identify pain points and that if you do not personally have this pain point, to find someone that does.

Secondly, this Journalling assignment has taught me how to capture value, by ensuring I kept a record of how I was doing it in class. We had a visit from Anna-Grace, a woman who runs a start up called ‘Orbispace’ and worked on how to capture value on a problem with her by studying her initiative. Here we were introduced to the social lean canvas: A business model that merges the components required for a successful business with a successful non-for-profit. Then, how to hack the aforementioned social lean canvas so that we can merge corporate social responsibility with profit. I especially enjoyed this as I find empathy, fairness and philanthropy to be a major element to wether I like to purchase from a business or not. One of my favourite exercises from the semester had to be capturing value with $5. Here I was in a team with three other people, and we ended up making an $800 profit from our $5 by purchasing an extraordinary number of textbooks from a closing down store. I was particularly glad of this as I believe education and knowledge to be the greatest form of value, and if we all had the chance to an education, and different world views then the world would be a much better place. A resounding quote for me I’ve heard in the past is; “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day; teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime.” I felt like this exercise captured that quote perfectly, especially as following this exercise we either kept the books, donated them or passed them onto people who were struggling to afford the textbooks we had gained. To expand, this captured value for me because it emphasised that value does not have to be monetary, and paired with how I feel about sustainable and responsible initiatives as it demonstrated to me first hand that helping someone out in whatever way one can is truly priceless. Additionally, another team completed an exercise where they bought pens with their $5 and wrote on a cardboard sign “Have you texted your mum today?” This spoke to me as it made me consider when the last time I had truly gone out of my way to contact or connect with my mother because I could, as opposed to needing something or asking a favour.

Iterating on how this journal has helped me to capture value is the progression of ‘How Might We?’ Statements. While I initially started very broad with; “How Might We Take a Personal Concern and Apply it to a Social Lean Canvas?” It steadily developed into something much more specific and relevant to my entrepreneurial initiative. From here we learnt how to capture and record value with insight generation, empathy mapping, interviewing and journey mapping. One particularly engaging item that I recorded on my blog was the dummy interview between Susie and Leila, which really broke down the way to interview someone in a concise and neat framework. It certainly proved to be useful when we were planning our interviews and I had an exact recording of said dummy interview to fall back on.

Delivering value was harder to record, as I found we did most of our delivery methods over other online means which would certainly be recorded elsewhere, namely our slide deck. However it did unveil the development of what had been my ‘How Might We’ statement to our final ‘How Might We’ statement of: “How Might We Respond To Parents Concerns For Easy Visibility Of Their Children in Open Water?”

The development of delivering value thus became more blurred, as our collaborative presentation was constantly edited and adjusted to meet the assignment brief criteria and a mesh of our ideas as opposed to mine. Ultimately, delivering value relied on our ability to synthesise and deliver what we had learnt and manufactured over the semester to a room of industry partners and our peers. This could not have been done effectively, in my opinion, without journalling the progression, our mistakes and interest points, or little pieces of information we had picked up in class and normally would not remember or think of past that lesson.

In conclusion, I found this task to be challenging but manageable, and fruitful. My personal engagement with the assignment was heightened since I was forced to maintain constant record of said assignment, and in a way I don't normally like to. In turn, this allowed me to consider different types of maintaining and recording information, and use it collaboratively. This journal embodied our subject “creative methods and entrepreneurial initiatives’ by forcing me to engage and constantly, and meticulously record events, exercises and thoughts I would not have remembered otherwise. Furthermore, journalling on a platform made my experience with it more fun, as I could attach pictures, videos and personalise my blog. Again, strengthening and amplifying my learning since I find it easier to remember and digest information when it has been set out in a way I can comprehend easily and has lots of pictures. Ultimately making the process of my development more streamlined and attractive to me, again enhancing my understanding and engagement with this assignment.

#peace out #thank you all #youve been amazing #see you next time

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illumoux · 6 years ago

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IB ➞ Art school???

I’ve gotten some PMs with questions about taking the IB Programme in high school and how it’s now affecting me in art school now so I thought I would finally do a Post(TM) about it. Again, everything I’m about to talk about is based on my personal experience but please feel free to talk with me if you have any concerns about this post. I want to put myself out there and help others if I can since I had so much support getting to where I am now. If you have any other questions about art college or the likes, please feel free to shoot them my way 💘

WHAT IS IB?

The International Baccalaureate Programme (aka. IB) is a “fast paced” program for middle and high school students that’s supposed to promote students to think independently and critically. At my school, there was a set courselist, with one or two elective choices. Some courses were Standard Level (SL) and some were Higher Level (HL), which certain post secondary schools allow to swap out for first year credits. IB is different in different schools and different countries though, but overall, It’s meant to be an alternative and more challenging high school experience.

IB + ME:

I can’t say I had the most positive time in IB or anything since I was also REALLY struggling with mental health at the time and had hated every moment I was in high school. But upon reflection, there really were things to be gained from the experience. Pros and Cons.

I was in full IB until second semester grade 10. At that point, I was already thinking about studying art after high school, but was afraid to commit to it entirely because there was so much pressure from my parents and peers to go into a “respectable” career and get a “high paying job in science or math or business” or something. So I dropped to partial IB as a compromise and took IB math, Art and HL English, as well as regular Ontario Uni level Physics, Bio, CompSci, etc etc etc.

DO YOU USE ANY OF THE STUFF YOU LEARNED IN IB CLASSES IN ART SCHOOL?

No.

I have an official credit for Grade 12 Advanced Functions but the most math I do now is occasionally multiplying by 12. Could I solve a quadratic equation now? Don’t even know what that is anymore.

BUT! You never know what could inspire you. I was so interested in quantum physics, I’m literally writing a story about parallel universes. Learning is almost always good.

LET’S TALK ABOUT IB ART FOR ONE HOT SECOND:

I did find IB Art incredibly applicable and helpful because it taught me how to keep a sketchbook and understand the creative process, neither of which you actually directly get graded on in the animation program at Sheridan but is personally tremendously beneficial for developing ideas and creating pieces. Now I draw thumbnails for everything I do. And I appreciate them!

Even if you walk away from IB Art with the most garbage collection - no sweat, it’s only high school and it’s learning the process of creating art that is so so important! When I applied for Sheridan Illustration (the same year I was accepted into Sheridan Animation), I basically repeated a simplified version of the IB Art process and was accepted into the program with a portfolio score of 80, with 9/10s in Process/Ideation, Media Exploration and Sketchbook, which you REALLY focus heavily on in IB Art.

I would highly recommend taking IB Art if you are thinking about doing art after high school, or doing art in general.

BEING AN ART STUDENT IN IB:

I hate that Art Kids(TM) have a bad rep. People always assume that art is a dead end career and we all starve and we’re all morally questionable people but that’s not true at all!

But being that Token Art Kid in IB (outside of IB Art class) actually made me feel awful back then. I was always kind of an odd one out. That’s not to say that people weren’t nice or anything. But there was so much pressure to not go into art. Ever since I was a kid, I’d always wanted to be an “artist when I grow up” but I found that in high school, I’d often say that I was “interested in art but was also thinking of pursuing an alternative career in this and that” because I was afraid of being looked down on in an environment where everyone around me wanted to do something “brainy”. Admitting that I wanted to do art almost felt self depreciating because everyone else was actually going to get a “real job” and live “better lives”. But that’s totally not the case! I ended up spending a lot of time taking a bunch of science and math courses I didn’t really like to maintain my twenty thousand irrelevant Back-Up Plans.

IB AND LEARNING SKILLS:

I think no matter what you do, having good organization and time management skills is always going to be so so important!

Sheridan Animation is such a loaded program, you really have to try to schedule your time well. I used to complain about the IB courseload but I honestly feel like Sheridan Animation is so much more laborious. We had 8 courses + an elective last semester, each about 2 to 3 hours a week, plus all the time you had to put into doing homework and living life and sleeping.

Even though IB is meant to keep you busy to force you to learn good work ethics, I don’t think forcing someone to work harder necessarily means that they are going to learn how to manage their time. I was 100% unmotivated and depressed and self destructive in high school. I was in IB for four years but I always studied the night before an exam up until the very last one. And when I graduated and moved out, I realized that I was a mess and I had to change, and it was that self realization was what motivated me to learn how to slowly put together my life back together. Only then did I start taking steps to curate my life and learn how to plan ahead and schedule my week and get! stuff! done!

So all in all, maybe IB does put you in an environment where having good learning skills will benefit you, and maybe that will motivate you to learn how to maintain a good work ethic. But I really do think skills like how to study and learn and live life is something that you have to be aware of as an individual and want to work towards. Being in IB may help with those things, but it isn’t going to suddenly grant you powers to study two weeks in advance and keep track of all your assignments in a way that works for you. You have to learn to do that yourself.

HL CREDITS (AT SHERIDAN):

Not all schools acknowledge HL credits. Sheridan claims to. I know people in Sheridan Animation who have used their HL credits at other universities before coming to our school but I’ve never spoken to anyone at Sheridan who has used them in a Sheridan program.

This is lowkey a call out post @ Sheridan, but I have tried applying for advanced standing with my IB HL credit to replace my electives twice, but neither time went through. They claimed to not have the proper paperwork, and when I paid for IB to send my transcript to Sheridan, it was never found (despite there being a confirmation email from IB that it had been sent to the right place) so I was unable to get it processed due to a lack of paperwork. And when I tried to follow up through email, I was ignored.

(If you have successfully gotten your HL credit request to go through at Sheridan, please PM me and tell me how :’^))

I do know for a fact that even if you could, in theory, replace some electives at Sheridan with your HL credits and as long as you still had enough courses a semester to consider you a full time student, you would still pay the same amount of tuition. You would just be less busy.

SHOULD I TAKE IB THEN?

Honestly, it’s up to you and your own life!

I know I rambled on for so long only to give the most passive and watery advice but I think you should do what you believe is best for you! Just be aware that whatever you choose is going to lead you to a different future and all your actions will have consequences (good or bad or either) and be okay with that.

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t do IB so I could have more free time to draw. Maybe if I drew more in high school, I would have gotten into Sheridan Animation a year earlier. But if I did that, I wouldn’t have learned how to paint in Art Fundies and have the friends I do now and live with people I love. Everything I’ve ever done up to this point has brought me here and I wouldn’t change a thing about the past so all I can do is work on making my future, you know :))

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. Good luck!

#sheridan help #sheridan animation #ib program #ib #art school #high school advice #ib advice #block text #long post

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flamestoflight · 7 years ago

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2/6/18 Update

I almost can’t believe I’m about to say this but I actually had a really good therapy appointment this morning (!?) and it got me thinking about some things that I think I want to put in an update here just so that I have it for my future reflection.

Today was day 2 of the semester and somehow I feel like it’s been weeks. Yesterday I officially started my integrated clinical, which means that I’m taking full time classes but also working in the clinic MWF from 1:30-5:00 treating patients under the supervision of my CI. So Monday I had my first ever patients as the treating PT! My name was on the note and everything! It was a super exciting feeling, but at the same time I was entirely overwhelmed the whole time and struggled with feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I basically dove right in: manuals, mobs, ther-ex progression, functional assessment, adding new exercises...everything. It was wild and it felt really really cool to be doing that. There are aides floating around that we’re supposed to use to help us, which feels suuuuper weird because I’m used to being the one who the patients are handed off to and takes them through their exercises. Now I’m doing the skilled intervention stuff and I’m the one handing them off? Weird.

Except yesterday I didn’t have an aide help me with anything, I was able to manage my patients on my own (I had a lighter schedule and one of my patients no-showed lol so it was more a matter of literally only having one patient at a time to handle) and I’d much rather take them through everything and A) build that relationship with them and B) use that time to assess them further (they’re all brand new patients to me so any time I can get working with them is beneficial to me). Tomorrow might be a little busier and it’s good to know that I have the support if I need it. I also feel like my planning forms for tomorrow are waay more organized and easy to follow compared to Monday so that should help me too.

Between planning forms and treatment notes and actually treating patients and going to class and doing work/studying...I’ve got quite the semester lined up for me. Not to mention eating and taking care of the boys and all the Human Things that humans do. And I’m at an interesting point where in order to deal with it, I’m being pulled in two very different directions.

The first is the urge to revert back to how I was in high school. Become robotic, obsessed, perfectly organized, clean, accomplished, first to rise last to bed, days planned out in 15 minute intervals, a caffeinated perfectionist who doesn’t get anything wrong because there’s no time in the day to get anything wrong. Every minute is productive, every action is checked off the to do list. You avoid having to deal with feelings of inadequacy or failure if you are never inadequate and refuse to fail, right?

The other pull in my head is a regression back to last year, two years ago. Avoid having to deal with feelings of inadequacy or failure by distracting yourself with other harmful coping mechanisms that inhibit you from feeling anything else. Stay up all night engaging in harmful behaviors, drag yourself to school the next morning and spend all day hating yourself instead of learning, come home and engage in self-destructive behaviors to get yourself through the work you need to do.

So these are clearly two extremely polar mindsets, but they’re honestly the only way I’ve really dealt with extreme stress and pressure like this before. For now I am more or less riding the line between the two: trying to stay away from any extremes or obsessions. It’s challenging as hell, especially when I am feeling less than confident in my ability to take over the treatment of patients (and why wouldn’t I lack confidence? I’ve literally been in PT school for eight months. I have just scratched the surface on this stuff). But I really am doing my best at figuring out how this all goes. And balancing the two sides: obsession versus avoidance.

At the end of the day I’m extremely happy to be here and extremely grateful for the opportunity that being in clinic right now will afford me. And for how much I will learn. It’s safe to say that I am extremely overwhelmed though, and I honestly don’t see how my workload is ever going to be manageable this semester. It’s what all the second years have been saying. You’re overworked and over-tired and overloaded and you’re never going to get it all done, but that’s just kind of how it is here. And again, I know I’ll learn a lot from this and be better for it. It’s just a lot to handle right now.

Anyways. My point was that I’m busy but I’m managing. So far lol. I really haven’t talked to anyone about this. I hate the idea of complaining to my friends or family about ~how busy I am~ because what’s the point, and what does it accomplish besides annoying people and probably sounding pretentious. It is what it is, I am where I am. I’ll get it done like I always do. I just really hope I sustain non-detrimental habits and that I don’t let this all get to me.

#mygrad

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prettyfunkyunorganized · 7 years ago

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An Old Friend - part 2

Hey! More of Winston’s little story. My cat woke me up three times last night so I’m friggin’ tired. Hopefully this is properly edited? I think?

Anywho, just under 2,500 words of platonic friendliness. Enjoy!

An Old Friend: pt 1

Winston drummed his fingers on his desk impatiently as he watching the spinning icon of the video chat, listening to the ringing of the ‘phone.’ He was more nervous than ever. Part of him didn’t want Bethany to answer, he couldn’t deny that, but she did – in a frenzy of blurred, half rendered, scrambled movement. When the image cleared, she was dressed in what looked like comfy weekend clothes and had a fork in her hand. Her eyes doubled in size once she saw him.

“Winny,” she gaped through a full mouth.

He chuckled, “Hey, Bethy-Boo.”

She coughed and hacked, choking on her food. “Just a sec,” she sputtered.

“Are you okay,” Winston asked worriedly.

“I think I just swallowed a whole ravioli. Oh god!” Beth was mostly laughing at this point and Winston was shaking his head in amusement.

“Guess I caught you at a bad time,” he said rubbing the back of his neck.

“No, Winston, no! Not at all. I’m just super coordinated,” Bethany giggled once she had recovered. “I’m so glad you called! And so quickly! It’s wonderful to see you.”

She had her hands poised over her heart and a sappy look smattered over her features. Winston hadn’t smiled this wide in years. “It’s good to see you, too.”

“And look at you,” she beamed, scooting closer to her screen, “you haven’t aged a day since I last saw you!”

“You have,” he laughed, then quickly realized how rude that must have sounded. “But in a good way.”

Bethany waved dismissively. “We were at very different stages in our bodily development at thirteen, Winston. No offense taken.” She sounded a bit like Dr. Winston.

“We really were just thirteen, weren’t we,” he remembered, somewhat amazed.

“Little more than a couple of whippersnappers,” she smirked.

He snorted in response, “It’s been a very long time since anyone called me that.”

“Uncle Harry?”

“Yeah. Why ‘whippersnappers’ was his word of choice, I’ll never know.”

“No kidding,” Bethany murmured. “You like the picture I sent?”

Winston laughed, glancing at the newly printed photo taped to his monitor. “I love it! Although, I have to admit I’m a little embarrassed to see my hair like that.”

“Whaaat,” she scoffed playfully, “you had the best mohawk ever Winny!”

“Don’t lie to me, Bethy,” he chided her sarcastically.

The two of them shared a moment of quiet reflection, lost in their own thoughts. When Winston looked back up, Beth was wiping tears from her cheeks.

“You alright, Bethany?”

She sniffled and nodded. “I’ll be fine. Feeling a little . . . I don’t know. Guess I just miss him.”

“I do too, I do too, but it’s nice to have someone to talk to about him. No one else knew him like we did,” Winston sighed.

“I know exactly what you mean,” she agreed. “Now I only wish I had contacted you sooner.”

“You’re not the only one who could have called,” he replied. “I’m sorry I never had the courage.”

“At least you called tonight,” Bethany said, leaning on her propped up arm, “for his birthday. I was going to make that Oreo cake he liked, but in the end, I didn’t have the heart.”

“I remember him talking about that, but the lunar base never had the right stuff. Suppose Oreos weren’t high on the priority list up there.”

“Should have been,” Beth joked half-heartedly. “What I wouldn’t give to share one last meal with him.”

Her voice hitched and she failed to stifle a small sob, turning away in embarrassment. “Oh Bethany,” Winston said softly, throat tight. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Winny,” she assured him, “you don’t have to apologize.”

That wasn’t true. There was plenty of blame on Winston’s shoulders, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell his old friend that story. Not now. Not when she had so much sorrow weighing down on her already. “What can I do for you, Beth? I know I’m not Harold but . . . I’m still here for you if you need me – even if I should have been here sooner.”

She took a deep breath and gave a lopsided smile. “Don’t worry about it, Winston. We both had our own lives and our own reasons for keeping to ourselves. I’m not mad or anything, honest. It’s just been a rough couple of weeks for me, and I’m feeling particularly alone right now, but I’ll be alright.”

Winston frowned. “Alone?” Beth nodded. “Don’t you have anyone else to call up? Some friends or other family?”

“Not really,” she shrugged, looking sheepish. “I don’t know how much Uncle Harry told you about my mom – his sister – but she has never been the most stable woman. Right now she’s in jail. Again.”

“Oh,” was all Winston could find to say, wriggling uncomfortably. He’d heard stories like this before, but it was different coming from his childhood friend. “Harold never mentioned anything like that.”

“Mom’s always been a mess, and our relationship has never been good for me,” she grumbled. “It’s been years since I last saw her. I’ve met a lot of other good people, though. Mentors and professors, friends and colleagues. Unfortunately, none of them are willing to stand by me at the moment.”

“Why is that,” Winston asked, anger furrowing his brow.

“I pissed off Vishkar,” she hissed bluntly.

“Vishkar,” he repeated incredulously, “you got on Vishkar’s bad side?”

She chuckled rather mischievously. “Yup. Maybe not my smartest move, but it was the right thing to do.”

“How did you mange that?”

“Well,” she explained, a proud little smirk on her face, “I’ve been working for a private research company for the past few years and was assigned to a string of so-called ‘accidents,’ ‘beneficial trading,’ and ‘small inconsistencies.’ Really suspicious, but carefully manufactured bullshit. Everything benefitted Vishkar – no one could deny it, but I just couldn’t convince anyone to take a stand with me. There was too much fear, too much blackmail, and too many bribes. In the end, I pushed the limits too far and got busted. I was fired, and most everyone I knew took a few steps back so they didn’t lose their jobs, too. Really makes you question what ‘friend’ means,” she mumbled.

“Sounds like you were in the right,” Winston said with a firm nod. “I think you should be proud of yourself, even if things didn’t pan out. At least you stood up for the truth, even when no one else did. That’s very admirable.”

Beth brushed the stray hair from her face and smiled. “Thanks, Winston. That means a lot coming from Mr. Overwatch himself.”

He huffed and shook his head furiously. “I am not Mr. Overwatch! That was Jack, through and through. Now it’s more like – “ Winston barely shut his mouth in time, but Beth wasn’t fooled.

“What’s that,” she asked, feigning innocence.

“Nothing.”

“Sounded like you were going to say someone else is the new face of Overwatch.”

“Nope.”

“You’re up to something, aren’t you, Winny?” Her grin made it seem as if she could see right into Winston’s mind.

“No,” he protested stunningly unconvincingly.

“Uh-huh,” she said doubtfully. “Whatever you say. But, just for the record, if you know who’s responsible for the sudden appearance of hopeful headlines and the whispered rumors of a group of people who are standing up for what’s right, tell them thanks for me. I think that’s exactly what the world needs right now. Hope and heroes.”

Winston chuckled, as an idea slowly creeping up into his head. “You know, some people would say what you did was pretty heroic, standing up to one of the most powerful organizations in the world like that.”

“I don’t know about that,” she said surprised. “I’m just a researcher – I don’t save lives or fight criminals like you do.”

“It’s not the physical fights that made Overwatch a force for good, Bethany, but all the fighting we did for the causes we believed in. We fought in the lab for climate change, in the streets marching for social justice, and in schools to promote understanding for the future. You’re definitely a hero, Beth, I have no doubt of that.”

“Aw, Winny, you’re going get me all teary-eyed again,” she teased gently.

“Would a job offer make you feel better,” he hinted.

She reeled and nearly knocked over her dinner, quickly steadying the bowl. “Job offer? Are you serious? But what about the Vishkar thing? Or, you know, my actual qualifications?”

“I can’t guarantee anything,” Winston clarified, “but I’d like to look into it. I’m already well aware that Vikshar is trouble, but trouble is nothing new to me. As far as your education and employment history go . . . Well, I may have been checking up on you over the years. And I did a little research before I called you today.”

Bethany burst out laughing. “You’ve been keeping tabs on me? Should I be worried?”

“No, please! Don’t be worried! I was only – ”

“I’m kidding, Winton, I’m kidding! God knows I Googled you about a hundred times over the years.”

“Really?”

“Winston, you’re the guy who took down Doomfist and saved a woman traveling through time – yeah I read up on you! Although, even if you weren’t doing all that, I still would have tried to see what you were up to. You were my best friend, after all.”

“You were mine too, Bethy-Boo, which is why I should warn you: the work I’m doing isn’t safe, or even legal, but I know it needs to be done. If you want to join me, I would love to have you, but if you want to play it safe, I completely understand. This life isn’t for everyone.”

She did hesitate, but not for long. “When I was little, all I ever wanted to do was follow in my uncle’s footsteps, but that didn’t pan out. I’m just not as smart as he was, but I still tried. Eventually, I found out I did my best work behind a computer and in the library, but I was still disappointed in myself. If I couldn’t be a scientist like Uncle Harold, then I had to find some other way to live up to his example. So, I tried to be as good as a person as he was and it was . . . fulfilling. I felt like I was doing something right. Then Vikshar came along and destroyed my work and made me feel utterly defeated.” She gave Winston a firm look. “I don’t want that stupid company to think that’s just okay, that they can stomp all over people like that – not to mention all the other terrible things I’d been researching. I want to help people again, Winny, I want to make a difference, risks be damned.”

“That,” Winston said with a grin, “was a wonderful entrance interview.”

She snorted and shook her head. “I would have put on something other than sweats if I had known this is how this conversation was going to play out.

“Meh, you look professional enough to me,” he said leaning back in his seat. “If you’re serious about joining up with us, we can go over all the details any time you like, but if you want to think about things a while, that’s understandable.”

“I am very serious, I promise, although I feel like I should clarify – we are talking about me joining the reforming Overwatch, yes?”

“Yes,” he nodded, “I will now admit that is what I’m doing here.”

“Then of course, I’m in! One hundred percent!” She looked giddy. “I’m dreadfully tired of sitting in this apartment not knowing what to do next. If you have a place for me and a use for my skills, I’m more than ready to pack up.”

“How would you feel about coming to Gibraltar,” Winston said excitedly, “meeting the rest of the team?”

“Buddy, I can be packed and out the door in two hours if you want me to be.”

“Two hours?”

Bethany scowled. “I don’t have a whole lot left here. When I was fired, my company stole almost everything I owned, saying it ‘contained sensitive and confidential information. I’m sure Vishkar put them up to it just to mess with me,” she seethed.

“That’s awful,” Winston frowned. “Are you safe where you are?”

“Um,” she said looking around, “hopefully? But the sooner I get out of this town, the better, I imagine.”

“Can you afford a plane ticket to the area? I will send someone to pick you up from the nearest airport if you’re able to swing it.” He began typing on his keyboard, looking up flights and wondering if he should send Tracer or McCree to fetch Bethany.

“Winny,” she almost whispered and the scientist instantly turned back to her. “Is this really happening? You really think I can help you and Overwatch?”

“Bethy,” he said in his most kind tone, “before I called you I stumbled across one of your papers from when you were in grad school, and it was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. You have a remarkable insight into the motivations and thought processes of both omnics and people, your research in through and creative, and the conclusions you draw are simultaneously logical and profound. There is no one here who does the work you do, and it is incredibly valuable work. I have nothing but the utmost faith in you. And I think you’ll like it here! You definitely won’t be feeling alone as often, I can tell you that much, but if you’re getting worried we can – “

“I still want to come,” Bethany chirped, waving her hands as if to brush away any doubts. “This is just a lot to process. But I’m excited! I’ll buy a ticket and keep you in the loop, how does that sound?”

“Perfect,” Winston replied in his booming laugh. “This is going to be great!”

His old friend was grinning ear to ear as they swapped personal information and comm links. They were about to say goodbye when Bethany stopped Winston.

“Hey, Winny? One last thing.”

“Yes?”

She adjusted her glasses one more time and flashed a pearly smile. “Thank you for this. I’ve been in a serious funk, but seeing you and talking about my uncle helped immensely.”

“I’m happy we finally talked again, too,” he agreed. “I missed you. Luckily, seems like you and I are going to be seeing each other plenty now.”

“I think Uncle Harry would have liked that.”

“Bethany, you know he would have been so proud of you, right? He talked about you all the time up there, and he loved you so much,” Winston replied earnestly.

“I – I’ve always hoped he would be,” she murmured, “but it’s nice to hear someone say it out loud. He’d be proud of you too, Winny. He always was. Always.”

@watch-your-grammer @winchester-sonsandcastiel @envy-kitty

#mine #mriting #overwatch #overwatch drabble #my drabble #drabble #winston #bethany #an old friend

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littlewanderer1998 · 5 years ago

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Glow Up Diary: Week 3 (I Screwed Up)

May 24, 2020

For the last week before the week I screwed up, I was doing fine. I still did exercise for three times that week. Still on fire to drink that lemon water consistently. Still took a bath every night and did my skin care without failing for one day. So, how come in this entire week, I screwed up?

I was pressured and so stressed at the same time. Our school is transitioning to an “Online School” and although I know a lot about technology, I still know I have a long way to go in managing a class online. Especially if after our training, we are about to take an important exam for us to be certified.

So, I butchered myself up in reviewing and constantly seeking comfort online by binge watching BL and Netflix Series. I feel tired? I grab my phone. I feel stressed? I grab my phone.

It’s an addiction for comfort knowing that you can escape for your responsibilities for one whole hour. You alone in your own world.

So, that’s my problem. Me constantly grabbing my phone whenever I had the chance to. Also, justifying my actions for believing “I deserve to rest.”

I forgot that I am doing this Glow Up Journey not to torture myself or not to be strict about myself. It became tiring. Also, when I am noticing no changes in my body. Since I screwed up one time, why not screw it all the way right? Because even though I tried it seems to not be beneficial for me after all.

But hell no. I was so wrong about everything. I am starting to become that toxic perfectionist Nicole. Continuously beating myself up for not being good enough. But the truth is, I JUST DON’T HAVE ENOUGH DISCIPLINE. I don’t know how to say “NO” to myself and the result of that? I give in so easily.

Yes glowing up is not all about unicorns and rainbows. Not all about self-care and love myself all the time. Sometimes glowing up is you understanding yourself. Your fears, the monsters that crept inside your head and facing them.

So the first thing to do now is evaluating where I went wrong. In my case, I have two problems.

1. My addiction to phone.

2. My addiction for seeing an INSTANT result.

Now, how do we come up with our own solution? Here’s the trick that I learned in this glowing up journey. Every time you fall down you have to criticize every single thing that contributes to your down fall. How did it happen? What were you doing? Why did you give in?

As for me, every time I became stress or have too much on my plate I tend to fall back so easily. The thing is you have to face that not every day you are going to wake up ready to take on the world. That is normal. But you have to be stronger than your mind, even to what your heart is telling you.

From what I learned from Alivia’s glow up videos, you have a very limited willpower so it is your choice how to spend it wisely.

Today, I am going to use up all of the willpower I still have left in me to face these problems and come up with my own plan in battling them.

1. My addiction to phone.

The reason I became addicted to phone nowadays is because I became addicted to BL series. Because it makes me feel happy to watch all of those cute couples. However, I literally binge watch everything for the entire day leaving the things on my to do list so how can I confront it?

- Track how many hours I’ve been on my phone. I have this on my phone where I can track how many hours I’ve spent on it already. It makes me actually feel guilty once I look on the graph and see a high number. These graphs make me wake up on my delirious moment on my phone.

-Set an alarm or a target time every time I use my phone. I think I can do this by setting up a timer on my phone or simply setting up a limit. For example, every 1 hour of work I have a 10 minute break to use my phone or to watch one episode.

-When worst comes to worst, I have to turn off my phone and hide it somewhere I can’t touch until I am done with what I am supposed to finish.

2. My addiction for an INSTANT result.

I realized that the reason I am so obsessed with getting the result in one day is because the media is constantly feeding me with all of these beautiful goddess-like beauties online. That makes me think how unfair it was that for them they don’t have to try that hard anymore to be perfect. Why do I have to be the one who needs to put on more effort? Why am I not like them? So, how can I get away with this thinking?

-Unfollow and remove everything that makes you feel so insecure about yourself. If that does not help you or does not involve in making you a better person delete or block it. Only follow things that makes you inspired, motivated, and passionate.

-Realize that everyone has their own journey. “For every one, it is DIFFERENT.” Others might have what you already figured out on your own as their problem. Also, I believe people who never experienced how to be hardworking don't really know how to live their life fully. So go do your hustle and keep on going!

-There is no such thing as INSTANT result in DAY ONE. You are embarking on a journey, realize that this was never meant to be easy. This is meant to be hard and catastrophic. There will always be a constant push and pull with your past and future self. You just have to know that YOU HAVE THE POWER to decide for THE CHANGE THAT YOU WANT TO SEE.

So now, you may be curious what I am going to do for the following week especially knowing that it is going to be Monday tomorrow. I am going to wake up early and stand up with my own two feet. I am going to stand in front of my mirror and tell to my reflection WE GOT THIS. Glowing up is meant to be hard. It is meant to discipline and shape you. Because it is meant to be that way. I may have fallen back a few times but I know I will always stand up. For myself. Always for myself.

#self-love glow up

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josephinewongg · 5 years ago

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3 months into 2020.

Took this picture about a year and a month ago when I was happily basking in the natural sunlight, enjoying the comfort of my floral sheets and the cool spring air in my very cozy, humble room in 6 Treorchy; probably a week and a bit after I got news that I merely borderline passed one of my modules and was terribly upset and confused with that.

It’s been a while since I sat myself down to write about all that’s been going on and hence here I am, on a Saturday afternoon, locked up in my room, forcing myself to process thoughts and happenings to pen it all down for reflection and reminiscing + reminding purposes in the future.

Before we get started with all that’s been happening in 2020, I want to start off with where I last left off in 2019. Second half of 2019 looked a little like completing degree with a second-upper - something that I was so concerned about not achieving since the beginning of my transfer to Cardiff. Truth be told, growing up, my mind was always set on obtaining a First for my degree studies but my later years in Cardiff taught me that my pursue of education is more than the grade I obtain. June and July consisted of having my younger brother over in the UK, saying goodbye to my beloved housemates and city that I called home for 2 years, taking a 13 hour flight home and celebrating the marriage of my older brother. The later half of July and the beginning of August looked a little like seeking career advise from people, looking out for openings, submitting job applications and attending job interviews.

Then, a trip to the US for a month. Ask me 10, 5, 2 years ago if I’ll ever get the opportunity to visit US in my lifetime - no, will be my definite answer. But hey, God is a God of surprises and there I was, flying across the globe for around 24 hours (still a nightmare), visiting a couple of states in the US including Illinois, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and New York. The trip to US was another eye-opening one, seeing scenes from American TV shows come alive, breaking down the typical stereotypes I had of Americans and coming across a variety of people from, or living in The States.

And to all Malaysians, welcome home.

A month later, I started my first proper full-time employment in a firm that I would never have thought of applying to, with the responsibilities looking like something I would never have thought of a year ago. Two months into the job, I got news that my team lead - the manager that recruited me in and I wanted to work with, tendered her resignation and there we were, a team left without a lead, which somewhat made me feel like an orphan. Fear and uncertainty came to me with that decision of hers but I’m glad that 3 months later, I’m still holding on to this job and more often than not, enjoying bits and pieces of the job (and the rest of the team of course!).

28th March 2020 - Day 11 of the Movement Control Order (MCO) in Malaysia due to the rapid outbreak and severe spike in COVID-19 cases.

Fast forward 3 months later, here we are, on the final week of March in 2020, experiencing a partial lock-down due to COVID-19. “A crisis like never before in our lifetimes”, many have said. Personally, the severity of this pandemic escalated before I could properly comprehend what was happening. What started off with a “virus outbreak in Wuhan, China” suddenly came knocking not just on our doors, but all around the world. Truth be told, when news of the virus became a little more viral due to the increase in cases in China, I myself couldn’t really be bothered because my ignorant and selfish self never thought that it would have affected us in any way. The sympathy might have been there but the empathy was definitely not because I could not understand nor put myself in the shoes of those being affected in China back then. Now, seeing the realness of the severity of this pandemic, the fear and uncertainty actually gets a lil’ overwhelming.

I know that different people have different thoughts about this whole pandemic and partial lock-down situation (which is now extended for another 2 weeks), but here are some of mine that I’ll like to pen down for remembrance and reflective purposes (as shared at the beginning of this post).

Foremost, this whole situation has definitely made me think about life. It has made me really ask myself, if it really is ttg (time to go), have I done enough here on earth - or rather, what have I done given the time I have had here, that would weigh up in the span of eternity?

If decades of life can be taken away in just an episode of pandemic that might last as short as days, weeks or months, what actually really matters in life?

A pandemic like this has reminded me that this virus spares no one - regardless of age, gender, nationality, skin colour, religion and social economic status. Yes, those that are more privileged might not be indirectly affected as much because of accessible health care/essential needs, good supply of food etc etc. But, for those who are directly involved - who unfortunately contracts the virus, this virus doesn’t look at individuals and go “hey, you’re rich, I’ll pass” or “you’re white, I’ll look for someone else”. The realization of this just reminded me that at the end of the day, we are all equal, we are all merely, humans - neither one more superior than the other.

Through this pandemic, I have also thought a bit more about profession/career. Currently, the front-liners are those in the medical profession - doctors, nurses, lab staff etc. Doctors especially, is one of those professions that you grow up thinking would earn you a good amount of money (possibly just a strong stereotype) but who would have known and foresaw, that for, and in, such a time as this, it would also put you in such a sacrificial and risky position - to the point of possibly giving up your life for others. Having been thinking about long-term career goals over the past months and year, this has re-emphasized and amplified to me the importance of purpose in a career choice when, and if you are fortunate enough to be given the luxury to choose yours.

In regards to the partial lock-down or better known as the MCO, it has made me ask myself whether what I probably would have been doing on a day-to-day basis if this MCO had not happened would’ve been more beneficial. Apart from the sufficient amount of time spent on social interactions and maintaining healthy relationships with others, could I be spending time on things more beneficial - picking up new skills, reading, staying in with family, spending more time on the Word?

Following that, something that I saw online this week hit home hard - “It’d be really sad to come out of the end of this with just more screen time. Why not more prayer time, more quiet time, more worship time, more time with God? You’ll never regret sacrificing other things to go deeper with God. He deserves our time, not just the leftovers.” Dad has been constantly reminding each one of us to be spending this extra time to dig deeper into the Word - but let’s be real here, I’ve been failing, badly. At the beginning of this week before the extension was announced, I thought to myself that I might have just wasted 2 weeks not fulfilling what could have been done and was a tad bummed about it but I think (though of course not too glad about it), the extension was personally God’s way of giving me a second chance - two extra weeks, to make time for things that are of kingdom value.

Finally, I just want to take this opportunity to express gratitude and to continue praising. Unlike many, I acknowledge that I am blessed because throughout this period - I am surrounded by family, there has been a constant provision of (good) home-cooked food, I have shelter above my head and a comfortable space to live/be in, I have access to technology, I am still holding on to my job, I have yet to experience a pay-cut or asked to take unpaid leave; and no, I do not deserve this, this I know. Grace, the free and unmerited favour of God, is what it really is.

If you ask me where God is in all these, I am very tempted to say, I don’t know. But as cliché as it might sound, the truth is still the truth. Though you and I might not see it, He is amidst and above all that is happening. We might not be able to make sense of all that is going on, but we need to remember and hold on to the nature of who He is. He is sovereign, He is faithful, He is Love, and He is good. And for that, we will continually choose to praise. :)

Stay strong, stay safe, stay hopeful. This too, shall pass. ❤️🌈

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articleskhitam-blog · 7 years ago

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How To Have A Fresh And Healthy Lifestyle

Enjoy ♥

1. Inspire Yourself ❁

Inspiring yourself is more than just reading a few tumblr quotes or finding things that make you happy. Motivate yourself by taking the little steps to make you a better person. One of my favourites is keeping a running list of what makes you smile! Writing this stuff down can make you feel empowered and ready for any challenge. You can also just take 20 seconds out of your morning to think about what you want to achieve today and how you're going to do it. When you go to sleep, reflect and see if you got a little bit closer to reaching your goal.

2. Make Yourself Organised 🗝

I know that when people here this one they brush it off without truly considering it because it takes such a massive amount of effort. But it really does help!

Cleaning your room, desk or house will clear your mind and give you a clean view of your priorities and goals. Getting rid of the things that distract you limits the interruptions and excuses from you not getting any task done.

The first step to start being organised is to make a to-do list. When you find things you need done, adding it to the list and having the strong desire to check it off can motivate you to get it done.

You can also create a place in your room or house where you’ll always put your keys, wallet, pocket change, books and binder or folder you need for school or class, and anything else you always want to have with you.

Make a habit of putting your things there as soon as you come home, and picking them up from there as you leave.

3. Treat Yourself Once A Week ♡

Yes, you heard me... TREAT YOURSELF!! Making yourself relaxed and soothed is super super important! Whether it's soaking in the bathtub - where you can use some bath bombs, salts or oils: and don't forget the bubbles and scented candles you can use while your in there!

Drinking a steaming hot chocolate Or any other drink you adore, can also help you de-stress!

Some other ways to treat your self includes reading a book; a way you can fill your mind with imagination by entering a different world. You can also try a face mask! This is literally one if my favorite things to do, you can try some really cool ones you can get at Sephora or any skincare store.

One of the most challenging yet refreshing ones is to apply for a yoga class! Haha, I personally been wanting to try this one out for myself lol! Stretching your body not only strengthens it but also makes you nice and fresh.

Last but definitely not least.... give into your sweet tooth! This is one that I enjoy the most ;) Buying your favorite candies once in a while lets you feel like you have something you can look forward too! I would recommend eating lollies after doing something good like studying for an hour or doing chores around the house, if you don't already. Doing these things are always really beneficial not only to your mental health but also physical when you are more energized.

4. Random Acts Of Kindness (RAK) ♕

So, basically RAK is where you spend just a few second out of your day to do something thoughtful for somebody else.

It can be something as simple as smiling at them and even giving them a compliment like saying how much you like their hairstyle or outfit.

Doing things like sharing a piece of gum, lending a necklace, even offering if they would like to sit with you at lunch can make their day.

Ones that I find really make a difference is taking at least 5 minutes to send a postcard or letter to a sick child who is suffering from a serious disease or sickness and could really use a piece of encouragement and motivation.

And, saving my favorite one for last, establish a... CUPCAKE DAY! Ok, so I know this sounds totally crazy and it sounds like I've lost my mind but the idea is that once or twice a week on a particular day one person from your group brings in a tray of cupcakes! So, I know it's a pretty stupid idea when you hear it but you could do one for each of your closest friends, decorating them with icing that shows their personality. An example would be if they're really optimistic you could decorate it with bright and sunny colors like orange and yellow. Or if they're really into... let's say, Harry Potter you could decorate their cupcake icing a wand into their cupcake.

I think this is a good idea because it would show how much you appreciate your friends and how grateful you are to have them :)

5. Keep Yourself Clean And Refreshed ❤︎

Keeping yourself clean and refreshed is a major key point to have a healthy lifestyle.

Being clean doesn't necessarily always mean using the harshest cleanser possible. Use a soap that's good for your skin type and doesn't dry it out too much. Choose a body wash or bar soap that's gentle enough for everyday use. Particularly one that smells really good! c:

While taking a shower most days is recommended, you may want to wash your hair less often. Washing your hair every day can dry it out and ultimately damage it, since it strips your hair's natural oils. To stay fresh on the days when you don't wash your hair, consider using a little dry shampoo. It's a powder that absorbs oil and makes your hair look absolutely amazing!

A really good tip that I use is that before you go to sleep, braid your hair into a plait/plaits. Once you wake up your hair will be curly, shiny and smooth (once you brush it) and look just that little bit better!

6. Exercise ☪︎

Yes! Exercising can mean doing a light run around your block or working out at the gym, or doing push-ups till you feel exhausted! When you are working out, if it's for getting the perfect body or simply for fun, exercising is the perfect way to get healthy.

Light easy exercises include: cycling - ride your bike around your neighborhood! It gets your leg muscles moving and boosts up your energy. Cycling is something that is easy to do and you don't even need to buy any equipment! (that is, assuming you already have a bike lol). Next is swimming - ditch your phone or laptop and get into a pool! Just doing a few laps in a pool has many benefits as it strengthens your shoulders and improves your lung function. Lucky last is hiking! Taking a bush walk gives you the beautiful view of nature and lets you take a break from social media and the internet.

7. Draw Or Paint Something! ☯︎

If you find you have a hobby in drawing and painting, go ahead! Draw until your hand hurts! Paint until you run out of colors!

When you draw/paint you express your feelings and let out all of your emotions leaving you feeling free and with a clear headspace.

#paintend #act #disney #acticles

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elstonsblog · 5 years ago

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May – Aug

In my last reflection, I spoke about doing a mix of larger and smaller pieces of work, Childs Alphabet etc. I think those months set me up nicely for what I've created/been part of between May-August. Over these 4 months, there have been dips in creating work due to doing things other than the drawing which has slowed down my progression of skills/experimentation. These dips haven’t impacted my 3x week posting schedule on social media but more the larger personal projects that needed to be chipped away at... haven’t been started. I hope to change this in October, I would say September but we’re already halfway through it so September will be used as a buffer month to get everything back in order before I get going properly again.

My goals in my last reflection were:

Put the work in to ensure a successful exhibition in July

Spend time working on targets set

Find and talk to some local creatives

Put together a PDF Portfolio

Start putting together a self-promo pack

And I've completed the following:

Put the work in to ensure a successful exhibition in July

Find and talk to some local creatives

Put together a PDF Portfolio

The Land + Sea exhibition took a lot of time and preparation, I spent 7 weeks of evenings on just making the artwork. I ended up with 4 a3 giclee prints and 48 a5 hand-drawn pieces to be displayed along with my mum's paintings. The event was short but well-received. The work I created was purposely made to sell so I drew more common seaside themes (beach huts, fishermen, sea creatures, seaside scenes and boats) to suit the space we were exhibiting and the audience of the village.

The making on the a3 scenes was done using my normal process, the pieces had more elements to them than I usually put in and it was interesting to see how that affected the workflow and timescale of making them. I printed them on Giclee so that the colour vibrancy stayed close to what it looked like on the screen. Photo rag paper feels nice too. I’ll print using Giclee again, the downfall is that every print is individual and there isn't a way of doing multiples without spending out a lot of cash in advance.

At the start of preparing for the exhibition, I was conscious that I hadn't drawn anything just by hand for quite a while and I felt that it was something I needed to get my confidence back up with so I decided for the a5 images that they would all be hand-drawn. I used rag paper, ink and gouache paint to keep the colours as bright as they would have been digital. I made 12 pieces in each of the 4 topics (beach huts, fishermen, sea creatures & boats). I gave myself a week to complete 12 drawings and repeated that until all 48 were done. It was a quick turnaround which meant I didn’t overthink it but I also would say that they’re not my best work – having 12 of each gave room for variety within the area and it was interesting to see which ones different people liked the most. It’s funny my favourite ones to do were the sea creatures yet the people that came preferred the beach huts and fishermen. Some feedback during the show was that the set looked most impactful when they were shown together, it could be that I create a print with all individual’s on – this would only really work for the beach huts and fishermen as the size of each person/hut is similar. This is something I'm not in a rush to do during the winter months, but I will return to this for the start of spring.

I think it was a good thing to have done as it helped me to see a physical audience and test what people like and dislike. The process of making for it kept my focus and showed that if I want to, I can chip away at larger pieces/projects rather than always making small fast work.

In August I started putting together a portfolio and website which made me take stock of what I'd created during the year. It was good to do this, but I quickly realised that I'd made a lot of images and not many of them had been shaped into projects/outcomes, so it looked sparse compared to my social media accounts. Also, that pretty much everything I've done has been personal projects and competitions as I haven’t reached out and contacted anyone about doing work for them. This needs to change. I need to start putting myself out there. I’m happy with how my portfolio is currently looking in terms of flow/work - I would like to add some basic animation into the pdf document to make it more engaging, once this is done, I will send be sending it out. I need to put the time into researching who and where I could get work - I know that it’s best to start with editorials so in the coming months I will research into art directors. I’m still under the impression that it is best to send out physical things to spark interest rather than be just another email. This is something that I also want to work on, this will take more time as I would expect that the physical work needs to be more specific and personally addressed to them. I know I'm going around in circles and I need to cut the crap and just email people. If that doesn’t work, then try something new rather than thinking I need to do everything at the same time, and it needs to be perfect. I need to see it as a process as currently, I'm getting nowhere. This 'business’ side doesn’t come naturally to me I'd quite happily be in a cave and draw for the rest of time if I could but that’s just not how it works.

In some parts of May-Aug, my inspiration levels were running dry, so I started looking further afield for inspiration. I realised when drawing an Egyptian god for work that all the documentation of ancient Egypt was people drawn sideways – which is also my favourite angle to draw people. so I took a trip to the British Museum to draw lots of wall carvings. I focussed more on Assyria’s carvings, copying the poses but modernising them with sliders and socks and trying to think about what they’d be saying to each other. I hadn’t mixed in much speech in my drawings for a long while, and.. I think to do it well takes a practice that I haven’t been doing – I don’t make much in terms of comics/narrative pieces. I would like to stretch this muscle a bit more as after going to Hackney Comic and Zine fair I got hyped about comics again so I'm trying not to let the inspiration for it fizzle out before I start doing something. I think the images were successful, but the text/speech was too fragmented for a narrative. This is something I want to work on as zines/comics are great things and I need to start making them so that I can take them to stalls.

During these 4 months, my process has continued to naturally refine for digital work (adding in illustrator as part of making). I have started to realise a reliance on compositing the images digitally. For example, when I draw by hand, I draw separate elements to then digitally fit together. This has both benefits and disadvantages; it makes pieces more editable and saves the time of me trying to draw it perfect all in one. The downside is that I'm over-relying on this and barely ever now drawing something fully for fear of messing up. I’m going to start combatting this again by making sure I add more work into my flash book. (My flash book is a photo album that I use to hold and store fully drawn pieces of work so that someday I can tattoo them on people).

I think since January my work and confidence overall have grown a lot. I’ve found a variety of colours I like using and I'm surer in the work I'm producing. I have seemed to stay very close to my Berol pen, but I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. I have been finding it easier to define my work/ approach:

I’m an Essex based Illustrator raised on a steady diet of cartoons and loud music; both of those things have influenced my approach to illustration. I like to communicate using block colour and bold lines to express what is being said with confidence.

In my practice, I try to articulate the workings of my mind in relation to the ‘real’ world with the hope to examine and display my presence. I’ve always been intrigued with different ways of communicating, stories, morals and ideas. I get a lot of inspiration from songs, books and the mundane around me and use this information to help formulate an idea for a piece of work.

I’ve grown to realise that I learn best by doing, so throughout the process of idea to the final piece, it can be revised, shaped and moulded until it looks and feels right. Projects are worked out methodically in terms of the steps that need to be done to create the outcome, what it is I’m trying to achieve and how best to communicate that through the medium used. A lot of the time, projects give me a chance to find new inspirations through researching an area that I’m not familiar with, this along with my existing interests feed into the outcome.

I would say in my most recent work the overarching theme is a positive retaliation to the current socio/political climate that we’re living in. Within that, there are sub-strands of my work focusing on mental health, politics and societal intangible needs; using what’s around me and trying to draw out something hopeful so that the final pieces communicate positive messages.

But I am still struggling to understand where and how I fit into illustration work. I hope this will come with time and perseverance.

Overall, these last few months have been productive. I’ve done work that I wouldn’t usually do and I'm slowly creeping out from under my rock. I think it’s hard to reflect on such a large amount of time properly, so I'll try not to leave so much time between each time, next time. I think a shorter one every month will be more beneficial for me going forward to recap and set my focus for the coming month.

Going forward my plans for October are:

To complete Inktober and make it into a zine

Go to 2 Drink and Draw sessions

Find 10 suitable art directors/contacts

Start working on a comic

Spend time working on targets set

Plan out Christmas merch plan and start making

Apply to guardian competition

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