#i’ve def talked about it but never made a post to this level of detail about it

[fullsupersoniccircle]

so. if anybody is in need of a distraction for the next while, i have the perfect 110k+ AU fic series for it

✨Creating Our Own Constellation✨

COOC is an ongoing Sonadow family au by me, primarily following Sonic and Shadow as they start a family, by blood and by realizing who they have around them, and all of the ups and downs that come with it.

the first entry is the meat of the au and my pride and joy: nine months , ten chapters following Sonic and Shadow as they take the plunge into parenthood and having children!

if you’re looking for something shorter, there’s one foot in front of the other , a Sonic-centric one-shot, and not as seamless the second time around , a Shadow-centric one-shot!

and as a bonus, here’s a tiny snippet of the next entry to the AU! a one-shot or potentially two chapters, haven’t written enough to know for certain yet.

feel free to send any questions about the story! i’m bad about sharing details on my own time even though i’ve had So Many Thoughts about this au lmao

[dutifullybitchypeach]

ACOSF FINAL THOUGHTS. 3/5

It was good. But it could have been EPIC. I think I got caught up in the hype and should have remained blissfully ignorant. Loved Nestas journey and her finding happiness. WELL DESERVED.

However lots of loose threads, ignored angst, rushed ending, pregnancy plot overshaowed a lot - 2 chapters wasted!

It was Nestas book with Cassians POV to balance. It was interesting to read how skewed, almost backwards it was the way Nesta saw things. Like the IC behaviour/comments at times to her was counter acted then with Cassians interpretation. Really showed her low her self esteem was.

I know it's Nesta letting go and being happy with herself and I believe SJM wrote it this way to be deliberately CLEAR that the IC are NOT perfect and are 100% capable of being total pricks. BUT that they are not held accountable for their actions the same way Nesta is, was frustrating. Cold hard facts: Nesta never murdered/stole/lied/tortured/assaulted anyone. She was a bum and a drunk who spewed hurtful shite. An angry bitch. However the only thing she ever wilfully killed was the King of Hyburn at the NC's request. The level of disgust from Amren/Rhys/Mor directed at Nesta in the beginning was uncomfortable to read and didn't sit well with me.

I'll have to read it again but I was not satisfied . Nestas character arc started half way through ACOWAR. She stepped up when they needed her to.

Feyre agreeing despite her experience in Spring was a step backwards for me. Then again it's exactly what Nesta needed. Cruel to be kind. And Feyre had Nestas back repeatedly throughout the narrative.

Loved Nestas story all of it, training, friendships, self love, etc etc. Gwyn and Emerie ❤ All epic. And she's well...more interesting! Detail on Cassian killing all those monsters, scene in the big, wow so good.

Feysand overkill or perhaps Rhys overkill. Sorry SJM but you need to pull back.

Nessian happened the way I thought it would. That Cassian isn't perfect is normal. His heart is Nestas, it's pretty clear. Smut scenes, I've read better sorry !!! Intensity was not the same as previous books. More sexy and less crude for me. Missed Cassians swagger but I guess we are in his head, and he's a big cuddly insecure bear. With a big d**k.

More thoughts (in my humble opinion).

Feysand pregnancy DRAMA. Unnecessary. Keep it, just don't let it happen the way it did. I've already said I thought the sacrifice should have been for Gywn/Emerie and there is a simple tie in IMO (see previous posts). Or perhaps Cassian actually stabbing himself rather than hurting Nesta with the Queen. But I get SJM and 'losing' her power, that much power just undermines the remaining plot for next few books. Nesta could just blast them all to hell. And she stole it in anger and has let it go with love. Growth! She is clearly still hella powerful. We don't know the half of it.

For me the above was the most irritating. The ending squeezed in. And I like Feysand. But Nesta healing with Feyre needn't have been so convoluted. Or drastic. More private, perhaps a real angsty, tense conversation and confession. They didn't discuss anything.

The last few chapters too much went on...important moments; first females to win The Rite, sidelined. Accepting the mating bond, sidelined. WTF is Nestas power now, sidelined. Queen dead, sidelined. An ILLYRANIAN FEMALE KICKING ASS sidelined. I mean Christ that was Cassians goal! And nothing. NOTHING. Not even a handshake.

Rhys. It was plain uncomfortable. But someone mentioned SJM deliberately wrote Rhys that way for this book and that's true. In the Feyre POV she mentions "two mates" the reasonable one and the asshole so that, I think, is telling. He's def more HL and pulls rank in this book with everyone.

Rhys clearly witnesses Nestas trauma from her nightmare but there is no recognition with Nesta. Not a peep. Yet he clearly feels massive regret. Is that for our benefit, the readers? That at least we know. Don't hate on Rhys. (I like Rhys btw)

I'd have liked a full circle scene where they are back in THAT sitting room admiring baby Nyx and Nesta just says a few things. Cooly and calmly. She's happy they intervened, but for all their wisdom and years of living it left a lot to be desired. Nothing too crazy, just a few delivered lines, Nesta style.

Felt Nesta lost a little of her fire. But maybe you see it more from the others POV. Though they always provoked her and it was a defence mechanism. And she was a bitch at times. With others outside the IC it's clear she is not like that. Make what you will of that.

I know SJM doesn't like to over detail things but a moment with Feyre/Nyx/Nesta alone would have been nice.

The sisters never meeting Gwyn or Emerie. A scene like that would have been powerful.

Amren is as Mor rightly said is a "cranky old bastard". And "Welcome back to the Night Court Nesta Archeron" screamed, now that you've scrubbed up love come on home. I don't know. Amren was clearly done with Nesta she was the one that stood by her the most and got sick shit of her. All Amren can command is respect now and Nesta really wanted hers, possibly the most.

Can I make a point about people harping on about slut shaming. Amren made one catty observation, that Nesta would ride almost anything. No other character mentioned it. Not one. And Nesta enjoyed her bed partners, she refers to some of it (threesome!). There was zero shame. And SJM hates slut shaming. So stop. It's not a thing.

I'm nitpicking but there was a lot of hurt just left off. Perhaps that was the point. SJM was like, fuck it, Nesta doesn't want to feel that anger or resentment anymore she wants to live and be happy. She's found inner peace with herself and those that matter most. Me wanting justification for how they treated her at timea is not the point!!! Lol.

The painting, that stood out for me in ACOFAS. It hurt to read it. Maybe Feyre had nothing to paint of Nesta. They didn't talk. Share thoughts. I think Feyre asking Nesta herself to show her memories of The Rite so she could paint it would have had more impact. But it read very plainly like now you've earned your spot here...or I like you now or something. She was deliberately not there, perhaps until she wanted to be. Or finally accepted and embraced life with the IC. It was an unnecessary detail that just fueled the Feysand halo (again I like Feysand).

Nesta made those weapons therefore they are hers. Amren is power hungry. Rhys seems happy to hand them over. High King drama, I can see it. It could happen.

It's clear that Nesta didn't want to leave the NC, therefore she had to fall in. People have a problem with 'who's boss' but we've only ever had court dynamics from Rhys/Feyre POV. And they are the top dogs in the NC. We are going to have to get used of seeing Feysand make decisions from the outside. It's THEIR court. And to be fair, Feyre always had Nestas back.

And yes I believe you always have a choice with Rhys. I know some scoff at that.

Rhys kneeling to Nesta further proves our gal is a Queen. Feyre is the only one he's ever bowed to. SJM gave us that moment for Nesta and we will have to be content despite he's questionable aggressive behaviour. He clearly has issues with family given his past.

Enjoyed seeing a bit of Elaine. Finally. And Nesta delivered some home truths! Elaine needs to find some backbone. Really looking forward to her story. Go mad SJM!

Feysand POV should have been the fallout of Rhys keeping baby drama from Feyre. Now THAT I would want to hear. And perhaps Feyre saying to Nesta I'm "secretly glad you told me".

Eris I always found super interesting. It's clear to me he knows Mor is gay. Him helping her would have meant she was trapped in the AC. 'Rejecting her' allowed Rhys and Co to save her and to have freedom. She screwed him by keeping it secret. His arc will be with Lucien I think.

Az and Elaine not for me. Sorry. I'd like Lucien to find some happiness. I've spoken of this before see other posts. Az tortures people for a living, he has serious issues.

I've already spoken about Mor....remember her lol. Where is she! Ha! Actions speak louder than words with Mor. Winnow please my mate is being a dick, teach me to dance, dress shopping. But I guess she's Feyres friend, Nesta has hers. Nesta feeling ashamed as to how she treated Mor, will be interesting to see how Mor feels about that oul time when I was such a hypocrite, lol, what I really meant was....

There are 2 more books and a novella so who knows. Nessian ain't over.

Going to look forward to the fanfiction!

Thanks SJM.

[katierosefun]

b, f, k and z? 😍

thanks for the ask ann!! 

B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

ooph uhhh. uhhhh, well, i’ve mentioned it like once, but too far was very deeply personal for me? i almost didn’t post it because i was like okay, i’m getting freakishly real here, but then i read it over a few times, tweaked some details...took out some scenes, added new ones, and then i realized that like. i still wanted to talk about this particular issue, because i was. i don’t know. i found some other fics about this topic and some of them were brutally real (a little too real), but i never felt like there was a happy resolution? or a healing resolution? and for me, i want to write stories that make people feel like there’s still some hope left, so i was like, “well. i’ll make the first story about this topic that’s kind of about...getting better in the end.” 

F: Care to share a favorite hurt/comfort fic?

oh god. so many. so  many. but uhhh, here, let me just: 

regeneration by @pandora15 was one of the first clone wars h/c fics i read last year when i was getting back into writing fic, and hnnng, i remember reading it on a really bad day and being. very touched. very good. spoke to me on a spiritual level and i still go back to it when i am. anxious. 

a long way down by @kckenobi makes me feel way too many things. anakin trying to climb up a cliffside with an injured obi-wan. lots of desperate “i’m not letting go of you so shut up” feelings. i was sitting in the library and quietly shrieking into my hands because what what what. lots of beautiful lines, a+, i cry at the ending every single time!!!

four in the morning, we find ourselves here by curseofmen. anakin, obi-wan, and ahsoka sleep together. anakin manages to drag obi-wan into bed. obi-wan’s in the middle, and cody finds them all in the end, and they’re absolutely adorable and soft, and i cry every time because they’re so soft, your honor, and i love them. 

obligate by @communistkenobi. i just finished reading this fic (like literally this morning), and i’m still recovering?? deception au but make it anakin fakes his death instead of obi-wan. angst. so much fuckign angst. obi-wan does the reckless thing. ahsoka says “fuck off” at one point and i’m losing it over here. the reunion made me w e e p. also anakin gets everyone hammered. also anakin and obi-wan. also ahsoka and anakin and obi-wan group hug. gimme a second. 

K: What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with?

,,,is it weird for me to say that i don’t think i’ve come up with my angstiest idea yet? because i have certainly written angsty fics and angsty scenes, but i still don’t think i’ve peaked yet. b u t, that being said, there’s this fic idea i have that kinda came to me last night, and i think it’s pretty angsty. (,,,obi-wan, anakin, and ahsoka all running into each other post season 5. kinda sad, kinda funny, but mostly sad, because anakin and obi-wan were trying to catch down some crook, but they both got injured and as luck would have it, they run into ahsoka. in the rain. of all things. ahsoka’s like “oh man oh fuck oh why” but of course she helps them, and of course she lugs them back to her apartment, and of course anakin and obi-wan pass out, and of course there’s just. a lot of pain in this fic. i’m very excited to actually write it and share it with everyone, because lol pain :)))) 

**EDIT: wait i lied, holes was def. the angstiest fic. how could i not realize that the fic with a literal character death and nods to rots would be the angstiest? 

Z: Major character death--do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can't tolerate?

okay, so i’ve definitely written a few death fics, like holes with @kckenobi (major sad. big sad. we used a lot of humor to cope, including “wait we could call this fic ‘holes’ because obi-wan has a hole in his heart where anakin used to be :)))” and “oh wait anakin can’t do that because hE’S DEAD HAHAHAAA” help) 

and then i also wrote known, which uh. uhhh lawless au where satine lives but uh. y’all can figure it out.

if i’m being honest, major character death is something that i can’t always read/write, though--so if i ever do have a major character death, then i try to put a lot of actual time and effort into it because like?? you know. major character. better send them off well. 

i guess if there’s a character that i cannot stand the death of, it’s probably ahsoka’s? i don’t know, in my head, i always think, ahsoka has to live. maybe because she’s the youngest of the tcw trio or maybe because just?? ahsoka tano as a whole is just so super symbolic to tcw fans and i lived through the time in fandom when everyone was speculating about how/when ahsoka was gonna die while tcw was still airing. (let me tell you. let me tell you,,,whenever our baby got too close to danger, every instinct in me would be like, dave filoni if you kill my child, i’m gonna break into your house.) so i guess because of that, i can’t really bring myself to ever even speculate writing/reading an ahsoka deathfic. she’s alive. she’s immortal, i don’t care what anyone else says. :) 

from these asks

[lunchador]

so when do we get the long post about your feelings about dragon age inquisition!!! i dunno if u wanna wait until dlc or not! i am i n t e r e s t e d (also its ok if u dont feel up to it im just!!!! again, interested in ur opinions/feelings)

kajsldkjf PLEASE I HAVE SO MANY DA FEELINGS ALL THE TIME and Inquisition was twice as long as the others so might as well do a word vomit now and I can always do another after the dlc (which several people have assured me are worth playing )

SO

Yeah so inquisition is long. I dislike open world games so a lot of the (super repetitive!!) side quests did grate on my nerves and that docks this game a few points but over all the LORE IS SO GOOD, and it tying in so many choices in from 1+2 is the greatest butterfly effect I ever experienced in video games. I thought telltale + Until dawn were fun for that but good LORD bioware has showed up all of those games and I am really stoked to try mass effect when its out later and play more bw games. I only played Anthem before this and that game seemed...idk, gutted against BW’s wishes.

ANYWAY

Yeah, I managed to go into the whole DA series knowing very, very little, despite how many artists I followed did fanart for it. Once I started playing, I added all the words I could think of to my blacklist but a lot of untagged stuff came through (fair, series is 10+ years old and inq is like what 4-5?). I allowed my friends to pressure me into playing an elf mage for the lore and to romance solas cuz they said he was as important to the story as alistair was. A lot of online followers said I should play how I wanted, which I def would recommend to anyone else, but honestly I can see where they came from and while he never would have been my first choice, I think he actually paired REALLY well with my Inq and how I was playing her. I put her as sensitive but trying to put her responsibility above herself, she was definitely the least funny of my 3 characters, but not incredibly serious. A bit reserved? Just more mature. She’s got faith but she didn’t think she was the chosen one but she’ll do her role the best of her ability. She makes hard decisions and then sobs her chest empty over them because how is one to ever feel like its the right one? I really like how the game lets you choose how you wanna approach the responsibility. Like i said, I wasn’t a reluctant chosen one, but she will do what she can. Versus my friend playing at the same time as me said he played as the second coming of jesus essentially lmfao Having so many characters come back for different roles was so GOOD!!! Like everyone told me Varric was in this one but were like ‘teehee you still cant romance him though’ but you how you play drastically changes your relationships with each person. Tons of characters I met I knew would be personal favorites but I ended up interacting way less because others were more fitting to my inquisitor. So i.e while I love Varric and would’ve smooched him a heartbeat with Hawke, I didn’t get that vibe with Clover. They were really good friends, he was a grounded friend with a sense of humor that was a good escape from everyone else and the ~inquisition~. At least, until the Beyond the Abyss quest. That obviously heavily fractured their friendship and hurt them both :( And i felt that for a long time, until the end. He looked tired. Poor guy is gonna be borderline dead in 4 at this point. But so many side characters you talk to coming back like Dagna and Samson??? Speaking of that quest, I got Stroud because, yeah...Alistair was dead for me and APPARENTLY IT COULD ALSO BE LOGHAIN??? If he stays a grey warden??  wish I did that so def would’ve preferred to save Hawke even if I think the wardens are more important as a concept but like.......i wanted to behead him, so....But yes even tiny details like..Varric wrote home to kirkwall to Carver for me because the rest of my family was dead and I never completed a full romance in 2 lkajslkdjf but the fact that changes based on your play through. BUT YEAH THE way this game weaves all your decisions in and how yeah, overall the story is the same but it makes it so personal to YOU and so different from everyone else ;w;

But I could see my Inq genuinely falling for Solas, and I see her best friends as Cassandra and Blackwall/Thom. Really close to Leliana and the Iron Bull as well. I just loved all their interactions. All the characters were so cool to get to know?? Like I thought I would’ve hated Cullen (hes a dick in O) and tbh I just got into the series as the VA was being a complete shit. But I liked him a lot!! I love the work buddies vibes between the Inq and the advisors. I thought I was going to love Sera!! And like, I did, but she hated my Inquisitor and their personalities clashed a lot. Shes the only one i didn’t get a cut scene for in the end :’) I loved coming back from story quests and having to take like 20 minutes to go around skyhold and make sure I talked to /everyone/ for their new dialogue. You genuinely feel connected to all these wonderful npcs ljkasljdf

I wanted to make Cassandra the new divine but I made leliana on accident and kinda dug it so I stuck with it. VARRIC IS THE NEW VISCOUNT??? h i l a r i o u s.

One of the things I loved the most in this game in particular, and while this is something in all of them it just really struck me in this one, was....everyone gave up so so much to devote themselves to the cause, y’know?? Like, it’s almost heartbreaking how much everyone loses and they’re still looking towards you with their belief and willingness to follow you to the end ;-;

The final fight almost felt, Idk, underwhelming? Dude dragons are way tougher than him asdkjhfkhjd. I even went up a difficulty in this game after feeling like I got the hang of the series. But at the same time, we just spend how many hours knocking down each and one of his advantages so fuck him lol.

But yeah there are so many things I wanted to do but I felt so worn out by mindless sidequests and story being level locked in comparison to the previous games. askdjhflkd

One of the things that blows my mind is so so many people were stoked i was playing DA and they couldn’t wait til I got to Inq, and so I find out most people I know only ever played Inquisition? TBH if I didn’t play O+2 I think I would’ve dropped inquisition and never finished it *shrug* all of the build up just means SO MUCH!!! Everyones argument seems to be the older games are ugly and yeah O has rough battle system but its easy to get over imo. Like, you need the chaos of 2 to get the real weight of the mage/templar stuff?? Theres so many characters and story and dialogue that go over your head without Origins?? Like yes inq can stand alone pretty well but, idk, I’m in love with this entire series and the world building and THE!! WAY!!! IT!!! ALL!!! CONNECTS!!!!!!!!!!!

I love how a quest can go differently by whos in your party, I love you can have more dialogue based on lore you’ve managed to pick up around, I love HOW COMPANIONS BICKERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! The lore of these games are so good. It’s like playing an epic line of novels. It’s so immersive and I don’t think I’ve played too many games to this level.

I didn’t like the skill trees to being a mage in this one, Idk why. It wasn’t nearly as fun for me as 2, but then  again I really fucking liked being a force mage haha. I wanted to be a rogue to complete a diff class per game but everyone said mage brings a lot more interesting story/lore stuff so

but yeah I love having the full context now and seeing other peoples Wardens/Hawkes/Inquisitors and asking people how they played and how their options differed from mine and THERES JUST SO MANY POSSIBLE DECISION TREES!!!!! No wonder the fans play over and over.

but yeah ultimately so much fucking happened?? I’m probably missing a lot of key points.

[twdbegins]

LISTEN UP

my homie @birdieofloxley wants to know good ol’ #9 (tbh this was like the main one I wanted someone to ask, BUT KEEP SENDING ME QUESTIONS TO MY INBOX) AND I HAD TO DEDICATE A WHOLE POST TO THIS. SO.

Simon’s backstory. I’ve thought a lot about this. Like A LOT. We know very little about everyone’s favorite right-hand man. He know his name is Simon (ofc), he likes gin, he was at one time in charge of the Sanctuary (before Negan), and that he’s maybe slightly psycho because he wiped out all of Oceanside (but we don’t talk about that). Unfortunately, none of these details really give any insight to what Simon was like pre-apocalypse (we don’t even know how OLD HE IS). I’ve spent years dwelling on this and I think I have a few agreeable theories. Feel free to agree or disagree or let me know your ideas! Before I begin, I would like to say that NONE OF THESE THEORIES ARE PROVEN. It’s just simply what I have come up with based on his personality and things of that nature.

Let’s start with his occupation. What the hell did Simon do for a living before running the show with Negan? So, APPARENTLY Simon was a sketchy mortgage broker (whatever the HELL that means) pre-apocalypse. I don’t think that’s been confirmed but FOR SOME REASON THAT SEEMS TO BE THE GENERAL CONSENSUS. But allow me to completely ignore that detail and allow my own thoughts to come forth. He’s a very muscular guy and very much more in touch with his masculine then his feminine side. I highly doubt he was working in an office space or in a desk work environment. I think we can agree that his job was more than likely very hands on and work-you-to-the-bone sort of labor. I originally had the idea of some sort of medical background, perhaps a surgeon or a paramedic. But I scratched that theory because nowhere in the show is that mentioned (and as we all know medical based characters are usually very crucial to the show and is always mentioned). I ended up settling between 2 different job ideas. A car mechanic and a fire fighter. NOW. I have a feeling I’ve caused some brows to raise here. Think about it. Car mechanics definitely get their hands dirty and is very much a male dominated field of work (as is being a fire fighter). Both require strength, agility, intelligence, and a dedication for hard work. While fire fighters have medical training of sorts, it’s nowhere on the level of say an ER doctor. To wrap that section up, I like to think that he was either working on cars or putting out fires.

Moving on. Relationship status. Do I think that Simon had a lover pre-apocalypse? Simple answer. Yes. I tend to think that while he probably wasn’t married, I bet he had a steady girlfriend or possibly a fiancée who was lost sometime after the world fell. I think it definitely hurt him and left him heartbroken. Which is what probably contributed to some of the things he did and his strive for power towards the end of his run. He did the things that he felt would make her proud of him or admire him more than she already did. He was ever so slightly dependent on her, which he would’ve never admitted because, if anything, he’d want it to be the other way around.

Next course. Family life. As sad and dark as it may seem, I feel as if Simon didn’t have any family left. I feel like he had an older sister and a younger brother (Simon SO gives off middle child energy). He understands women (or at least we make it canon that he does) and this is due to the fact that he got to see a lot of the things his sister liked. He often heard her talk about the things that boys did that made her upset or made her happy. To which Simon didn’t realize he took note of and applied to when he started dating. Simon was definitely closer to his younger brother. It was his little guy that he got to teach things to. His ultimate buddy to play in the backyard with. If their sister was having one of her “bad days”, then the dynamics bros would just go off and do something else until she was better. His dad left when he was young and Si never saw him again. This would make him try his absolute hardest to be the best son/boyfriend/husband he could be. Because of this, Simon was a HUGE momma’s boy. Like would do anything for his mom. Which is why he took it so hard when she died. She died when he was in his mid-thirties and just a few years before the apocalypse. He had watched her get sicker and sicker and there was absolutely nothing he could do. That was the hardest part. Not being able to help her or make her feel better. He was an ultimate family man. It was a shame he lost it all so quickly.

On a happier note, let’s talk about Simon’s hobbies! I def think Simon could hold his own in the kitchen. Maybe not on a Bobby Flay level, but Simon could make a mean steak or cheeseburger. He enjoyed thumbing through cookbooks and recipe catalogs to see what new things he could attempt to try and possibly perfect down the line. I also like to think that he could draw. I don’t know why, but I feel as if Simon had some visual art skills that he discovered as a kid. In school, he would often pick up his pencil and doodle little sketches on the corners of his notebook. I don’t think he ever really put a lot of time and effort into it, simply because art wasn’t something he wanted to make a career out of. However, he had 2 or 3 sketch pads that he kept in case inspiration struck.

Education wise, Simon acted like he didn’t care about school, but he actually would freak out if he made below a B. He enjoyed the sciences and math based subjects more than English or literature. He never could quite get the hang of outside-of-the-box thinking that was usually important for literature classes. As far as classroom behavior, it was about a 50/50. Some days he would come in and do his work quietly and be respectful. Other days he would come in talking to his friends and get absolutely nothing done. He was a hit with teachers, so he usually escaped detention. I don’t see him as a high school football player. I’m willing to bet he was a soccer or baseball player. While school was important, I feel as if college wasn’t in the cards for him. He was one of those “college isn’t for me” people (this also ties back to my firefighter theory, considering most of the time a college degree isn’t required to be one).

That’s really all I’ve got and all I’ve ever spent time thinking about. If anybody’s got other ideas, hit me with them because, again, I’m up for debate and possible change of mind.

[moldy-mold]

Diary Post: My Thoughts and Processes on Making “Silent Strength” It’s lengthy, taking place over long period of time. Mainly written for my future-self to remember what I went through, but also for anyone who is curious. Now that the project is over, I can post without reservations. There are certain things I need to keep secret though, so if I’m vague I do so intentionally!

Basically, a lot of number-crunching, physical labor, and psychological labor.

It started off as kind of a joke tweet I made. I had enough content to make a Tales Of art book and people were receptive to it. So… I thought maybe I could go somewhere with this. A few weeks later, I suddenly had a lot of Kratos art. Like. 80% of all my Tales art was Kratos. It didn’t make sense to make a broad Tales Of book when really most of it was Kratos.

I hadn’t made a book since I was in college despite it being one of my favorite things to do. They were never art books, just some editorial design projects that totally didn’t count. This book… would be my first-ever art book.

Several times, I came close to having enough art to print a book - the last time was my large collection of Yusuke Kitagawa, but the quality wasn’t where I wanted.  At that time, I was still experimenting with my iPad Pro and figuring out Procreate, so that was what I used him for.

NGL, I was pretty afraid of looking like a clown. After doing all this work, what if no one actually buys it? I was talking to some friends and they said they would buy it. It was enough for me. In the end, I’m creating something that I love. - The first thing I really wanted to work on was the cover. It needed to be epic but also mysterious (lol)… It was a good time to practice lighting and backgrounds. The cover had to be freaking Fantastic. I spent 3 days drawing nonstop. I was on vacation so I could spend full days just drawing. It was really intense. I would stop in the evenings to go for a run or else my legs would never get circulation again.

The hardest part was keeping it secret. I wanted to share it with the world right away bc I was so proud of it. Well, all I could do was show it to my parents and some close friends. They didn’t know who Kratos is, but it was obvious I was crazy about him.

Initially, I was doing some hand-lettering for the zine title instead of using a typeface. Tbh, I was so sure I was naming this zine “Blame Your Fate!” bc that is such an iconic line. But it just didn’t work with my cover, which looked… a little too serene for that. So… Silent Strength or Divine Strength? I asked around and got my answer.

But what size? All of my art has been on letter canvases. I wanted it to be large so you could see the details in the art. I’ll just start with that. - Luckily, I had all my Kratos-related art in one place. I started my InDesign file and threw everything in there just to see what it looked like. Man, I draw a lot of boxes… But I didn’t want them all next to each other. I also wanted to kinda organize it by the people Kratos hangs out with. There’s a Yuan section LOL… and a Lloyd section… and an Anna section. Idk, I tried to get some kind of order in there with a sprinkling of full spreads here and there to keep it fresh and interesting for the eyes.

I hadn’t worked with InDesign on such an intense level since college. I forgot all of the tips and tricks we learned in class. Spent some time reading on how to do things again… like adding page numbers. - I started drafting my pre-order form. It’s my first time making a google form like this. It’s kind of fun? I spent a long time on it, despite how simple it was. This was going to be my “Store” so it had to look and sound good. - My friend introduced me to charm-making. It seemed easy enough, and I wanted to give my zine more oomph. Besides, I’ve always wanted to make a charm.

I remember someone saying they’d buy a book of just the 4 Seraphim if it existed. I like them too and they lack art imo. In the end, I decided to do a polaroid charm. It’s not really that unique but I wanted Kratos to have actual friends to hang out with for once LOL.

She was going to do a group order to try to reduce the costs. I thought maybe 4 weeks would give me enough time. In the end she said I only have 2. I work well under pressure, so needless to say, I did make that deadline. I actually sketched the whole thing on the plane headed home. - After playing the game the second time, watching the OVA again, and reading “Offerings to a Star,” I have gained a real soft spot for Yuan.  My friend once said, “If you weren’t stolen away by Kratos, you would be in love with Yuan.” Lol. I’ve been in a “Kratos and Yuan hanging out” mood lately, so of course I needed something good for the zine. They’re so cute together! Now… what is the bro-est thing I can draw?

I was currently in Florida for my friend’s wedding. I was friends with the groom and his best man since high school, so that makes it 10 years now. Seeing how they’re still friends after all this time, despite living in opposite sides of the country, was really moving to me. Of course, me being me, I could see Kratos and Yuan’s long friendship being similar to this, if they had gone to school together. I just had to draw it. - When I got back from vacation, I did some research on zine sizes. Mine was HUGE compared to others. I just didn’t quite realize it until I held a magazine in my hands. It really is huge…

I settled for a medium size. 7x9. I really liked how it looked. Petite but not too petite. Unfortunately resizing my book had messed up my artwork placement so I spent hours rearranging all the text and resizing my images. I found out afterwards that there’s a way to retain the format while changing the document size. Gee, that would have been helpful 4 hours ago.

Sadly, choosing a custom size booklet makes printing more expensive. But I wanted it badly enough that I’d be willing to pay for it. Letter size is just too large… - I decided to stop dragging my feet and post a promo. I just really needed a deadline for myself to get this all done before July ended. I’m happy it was well-received. A lot of people like Kratos huh…

Anyway, the pre-order is due in a week and I still don’t know what all the costs are yet. I need a physical proof ASAP to weigh at the post office! - Something possessed me one day to do another drawing. I don’t usually do painterly style (mainly because it’s really difficult and takes 10x longer) but I just REALLY wanted to push myself on this Final Piece to the zine. I wanted it to be… radiant. Almost religious. I worked on it obsessively. From breakfast to sundown. The only time I would stop was at 7pm to go running or else my legs would give out on me.

Call me crazy, but I would save my progress on my phone so I could examine it for errors during my warmup. I also spend an hour examining it for errors before going to bed. It’s a miracle I hadn’t dreamt of the painting. - I sent my files in on Sunday in hopes that they start working on it first thing on Monday…. and it HAPPENED! They finished before I even woke up. I think they start work at like 6am…

Of course, I drove over there as soon as I heard so I can get a look. “Please… please let the colors be okay,” I prayed as I was driving. I barely remember driving there, I was so lost in thought. It would be another long ordeal if I had to fix all the colors.

Thank the stars. The press proof looked BEAUTIFUL!! I was screaming to the client coordinator how much I loved it. I mean, I worried for a looooong time that everything would turn out too dark (it usually does) but it was PERFECT. I was especially worried about the cover, which contained a lot of yellow and I def did not want it to come out mustardy… But it was great in the end!

The press operator is a quiet man. He’s got a scary face and never smiles but I think he’s secretly nice. He has done a lot of favors for me in the past without my asking. He was the one to print, bind, and trim the book for me. Obviously he had to have seen what I was drawing. I wonder what he thought of it…? He walked away before I could express how happy and thankful was. He didn’t need to hear it. It was like he already knew. So cool…

I immediately took it to the post office to weigh it. I needed as much info as I could get and plus, I was dying to know for myself. This is the week I was supposed to open pre-orders and there was still a lot I needed to do. Take pictures, create mockups, pricing, etc.

NGL, all of these costs were building up fast. It was so darn expensive to make a zine while also keeping prices down. But I wanted so much more for my baby. Extra glossy cover, perfect binding!! I knew by the end of this, I probably wouldn’t make much money. It hurt a little, but I tried to think that it was for the greater good. Learning experience and all that. And creating something beautiful. Especially something beautiful of Kratos. - Pricing was really the hardest part. I pretty much threw profit out the window. However, I definitely did not want to be losing money. My dad and I had worked together to create a spreadsheet of expenses to make sure my head was above water. I followed it… loosely.

My friend came to talk to me at the right moment. I was sort of panicking at the prices. She made me realize I was thinking way too hard about it and gave me some tips based on her own experience. It really put my mind at ease talking to someone who understands my woes.

The truth of the matter is, the book is wonderfully made and has a lot of pages - countless hours of drawing. There is only so much I can do about pricing. It is what it is… I just needed to come to terms with my own worth. - Boy, what am I going to do once the zine is done? My friend says that I’ll be so over Kratos that I’ll stop drawing him (but the love remains). It’s like… all of the intense planning, working, struggling nonstop will just suddenly… stop. TBH, I’m running out of ideas. I spent it all on the zine. - Photoshoot today. I had to paint my nails purple for this occasion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the look I wanted in the apartment. It’s just so naked without props. I think I’ll take it to a cafe for some nicer backgrounds. I talked it over with my friend and decided to do a quick flip-through of the zine as a promotional video. I used the most professional video program I had on hand… Snapchat. It actually turned out pretty legit and of course I slapped stickers on there because it’s Snapchat.

I had to tape/hide some of the pages for the video because I wasn’t actually done with the drawings. I had the printers print it anyway so I could examine it for color accuracy.

I’m really stressed about pricing now. It turns out I had a lot more international fans than I anticipated. I wish I took notes on interest earlier in the game to cater to them. I had a list of “possible buyers” and I only just now decided to check where they live? Foolish.

I did another cost analysis on paper to figure out what my goal was to make up for the charms. Right now they’ve cost me a fortune for something that was supposed to be giveaway. Other things that rack up are packaging costs, PayPal fees, and some other supplies I needed for this project.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made it 40 pages. It is an impressive number, but no one is really paying for quantity. I think 25 is a better number lol. If I had done that, I could have had my super-gloss cover like I wanted. :’(

There is hope though. And I’ve placed it in the hands of my followers to come through for me. I think I’ll open pre-orders on Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I finish. - “Losing your cool will only lead to poor decisions.” 
Thanks, Kratos twitter bot. You always know what to say.

I read this post today on what makes people buy zines. Very interesting!
 https://twitter.com/andythelemon_/status/1141469048653398019 - Photoshoot part 2 today. My friend and I went to a cafe nearby that had some nice atmosphere in hopes of finding the right shots. I brought all of my Kratos merch just in case. I’m glad I did though, since the tables were pretty sparse and it was difficult to capture the backgrounds without getting a bunch of random people in it too.

I would have been the photographer, but I definitely wanted my hands in the shots. In a way, it was meaningful - to show that this was made by my own two hands. Plus, I wanted to depict natural interaction with the product. It made it feel real.

The photos were cute! I feared it would look a little amateurish with all the merch in there, but I think fun was what I was really going for, not “professional.” And plus the flip-through was a Snap anyway LOL. As long as the photos have good lighting and tasteful composition, you really can’t go wrong with “fun.”

Now that I’ve finished editing my photos, there really isn’t anything holding me back from opening pre-orders. I’ve pretty much come to terms with my pricing. If I fail to break even, I’ll just have to open commissions to try to make up for it. I was telling my friend on the way home, “I gave this zine EVERYTHING I had to give. So at the very least, I won’t be disappointed in myself.” No stone left unturned, no detail left unchecked. It was perfect according to my standards. I really love my zine okay?!

I thought I was crazy for not only choosing a small fandom, I narrowed it down even further by picking ONE GUY to make this zine about. She replied, “Even if it’s small, those people who love him now must be EXTREMELY LOYAL to still be in love with a character from a 15-year-old game. All of them will want your zine.” - I went to bed that night with the intention of making the pre-order post live in the morning. I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake until at least 5 or 6 am. Luckily, I was able to doze off for a an hour or two before I would shake myself awake again. It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was the moment of truth - to see if all my effort made a difference. Was it going to sell? - The pre-order post looked really freaking good. I’ll give it that. I even made a YT account just to post that darn preview video on tumblr lol. It was definitely fun seeing everyone’s excitement and we all just freaked out together.

I broke even! That’s what really matters. Honestly at this point, I couldn’t care less if I made profit or not. I now know how much people really like the zine and that alone made me so happy I could die.

I was particularly fascinated at Google Form’s ability to transfer all the data collected into a spreadsheet. That is extremely helpful. I spent hours organizing the data. It was really fun…?! Now I can tell who gets invoiced and who paid and separate them into categories. IT’S FANTASTIC!

Stayed up late researching how much adding tracking could be. I had a slight panic attack thinking “what if my books got lost in transit?” It would really hurt me to have to reprint books and ship them again. And then I realized I will need to fill out customs forms for all international orders. Yikes, I’m gonna be living at the post office lol. You can print them out at home if you fill out the form online but there are still some things I’m uncertain about. I may visit the post office later this week to ask all my questions. - This morning I sent out everyone’s invoices. I gave the international people the option to purchase tracking. It’s expensive… but I need to provide that option just in case.

I received a nice message from someone who offered to advertise for me on Instagram. Of course, I gave them the OK! I’m really so shocked they would do that… They said the liked the zine so much it deserved more exposure. My dude… I love you… T_T

I thought about advertising on insta myself earlier in the week. For some reason I felt it was going to be fruitless since I don’t have an art account on there with a following. So, I gave up on the idea. Hey it worked out in the end.

I’ve never been so organized in my entire life. I want this zine experience to be perfect. The people have placed their trust in me, so I cannot mess up. - Edited some pages in the zine. The typography must be perfect… It made me think back to undergrad days in graphic design school. Man, if only I can present this as a project - photos, videos, matching accessories and all. I’d probably get an A lol. - Orders slow down after the first day. The rest is just about getting new people to see the post and giving other people more time to decide.

I finished my Kratos stationery today. It’s going to be so cute. My friend said people would want to buy it but I don’t have it in me to do more products at this time. Plus, I want it to be a surprise.

Why make stationery? Well my real job (no, I don’t draw Kratos all day for a living) is a stationery designer! It would feel really wrong not to put into practice what etiquette I’ve learned in this business. Plus, I felt that it was necessary to properly thank all those who ordered. And it’s fun?

I started designing the shipping labels for the domestic orders since I don’t need to fill out a customs form for those. I wish I had sticker labels but… it’s okay. It will still look good in the end. - Every so often, I would get nervous at the amount of money I’m responsible for. Perhaps, if I had a store with existing products I wouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that the books haven’t been printed yet made me scared. I know, I need this money to even print the books in the first place, but I’m just baffled at my customers’ trust in almost a total stranger. I felt pressured that I could not let them down and lose that trust. It probably didn’t help that I watched a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos) that day.

So, I prayed every single day that nothing would go wrong. I’d check my spreadsheet constantly for any mistakes. It was a little obsessive, but I would rather be that than overlook something.

I began collecting cardboard boxes. My plan was to cut them up to protect the books during transit. I would have preferred hard envelopes but they were a bit pricey. If I have to do more work myself, so be it.

I’ve been getting nice DMs from some buyers. I think my invoice due date scared them… I really did not intend to be strict, but I wanted people to pay now if they can rather than forget about it. This happens at work all the time, so the best thing to do is have it due immediately. It would not look good to have to wait on stragglers when I close pre-orders, so I’ll probably reach out when there is one week left. - My Kratos stationery arrived! Aww it is SO CUTE!!! My babies… I have a lot of notes to write so I got started right away. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to come up with creative ways to say “thank you,” but I don’t mind. I said I was going to put my all into the zine experience so I will.

At long last, the charm order has been put in motion. My friend said it could take a while… I hope it won’t be longer than 3 weeks. I really do not want to keep everyone waiting. I may ship out the ones who did not win a charm first. I mean, there is no reason to make those guys wait. I should ask the charm winners if they still want to wait and see if anyone wants to give it up for someone else who is more patient. Hm. - I finally stopped by the post office today to collect customs forms. I have my work cut out for me since I’m filling all of them in by hand. D:

I’m not used to international addresses so I think I’ll ask for help in checking them for spelling errors and typos. Heaven forbid I mess up on the very last part of the zine experience.

In my nervousness, I decided to reach out about invoices early on. If someone wanted to cancel, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. Everyone was really nice about paying and thank goodness they’re still excited.

Feeling kind of overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, but it’s a good thing. If I don’t know what to do, I can either: cut cardboard, write letters, type shipping labels, draw more Kratos for a… possible volume 2? Someone I talked to today already said they’ll pre-order a second book if I make one. Omg I think I’ll die. But we’ll see. It’s just a joke right now haha… - Preorders end today. I had another nightmare last night that the books could not be printed properly and there was nothing I could do. Why do I keep getting nightmares about the zine! I had one a few days before about people canceling their orders when I asked them about the invoices. I’ll take these dreams with a grain of salt. I’m probably just stressed/worried but everything is going to be okay. When I open my eyes, nothing is on fire.

I received my final proof a few days ago. With all of the artwork completed and changes applied. The book looks good, no doubt about it. There was only one thing I was nit-picky about but it can be fixed. The press operator offered to print another book for me to inspect. I’ll go see it on Monday and then submit the rest of the orders. I also asked to to have a meeting with the press operator so we are on the same page. It would be beneficial to have an understanding of how my book is made so that I may be more helpful to him.

I spent the day preparing shipping labels. I hate to admit, I am not too familiar with the format international addresses so I had an address validator open as I was typing them in. For the most part, everyone was helpful in already formatting their addresses in the preorder form! - My parents called me the day after preorders were closed. They wanted to say congratulations on my success. No one thought it would do this well. I couldn’t be offended by that since I was also guilty of it. I’m happy though. It feels like my love spread across the world and was contagious.

I tried to think of what advice I would give to others. Obviously, genuine love for the subject and hard work were a necessity. But it would be good to consider value. If I were selling it at this price, I had to make sure my pieces and presentation looked the part. I ask myself, if someone else sold it, would I buy it?

I sent out messages to all the charm winners in the morning. I wanted to apologize profusely at the ridiculous amount of time it has taken to get them made. But no, I’ve got to stop apologizing. I stated the facts and left it at that. Everyone was really kind and patient⁠—to which I was thankful for. I don’t usually get that when I’m working customer service. - All the books were done printing in one day. Wow! I went to pick it up immediately of course. I can’t believe all of this is coming to an end. I finished preparing the mailers. All that was left was to stuff and seal the domestic orders. They were the easiest to do so I’m going to ship those first. The rest will need customs forms, which I haven’t filled out just yet. It’s going to be a while for those…

The mailers were quite sturdy with the cardboard cutouts I slipped in them. I have nothing to worry about. I’m sure my babies will be okay! - I took a whole box of domestic orders to the post office today. Wasn’t sure what to expect. But my clerk had to input every single address one at a time while I checked for errors. Omg, why are the post office shipping labels SO HUGE. I thought it was going to be half the size. And they’re ruining my designer labels! Slight panic but oh well…

I had a long long line behind me. I’m so sorry, people. Luckily there were two clerks or I would be really sweating. Despite my intimidating box of zines, the clerk and I had Synergy and we managed to ship all of these in about 15 minutes. I received a very long receipt and quite the bill lol. - Shipped the international orders today. I was kind of a mess since I had no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can help speed up the process in any way but I don’t think I have the option to ship first-class at home.

When shipping international, keep the post office copy of the customs forms together with the package since they use that to type the address info into the system. Also, we get free tracking, which I did not know about. The other clerk told me that we did not get tracking for international first-class but I guess he was misinformed. It’s good to know for next time. - The charms finally arrived!! And THEY’RE HOLOGRAPHIC?! It was pretty awesome, but it makes picture-taking kind of difficult!! Anyway, I was a tiny bit disgruntled that they got my order incorrect, and I even asked for a reprint. But they said no, so I left it at that. Besides, it seems the holographic effect was well-received.

I like this size that I made. It’s really cute! Larger than your normal charm but not too huge. It’s almost like an Instax photo! - There was one customer who I found lives near me! I asked her if she wanted me to hand-deliver it to her in a public setting and she agreed (to my amazement). We finally met a few days ago and talked for hours and hours lol! I’m glad to have finally made a new friend here in this town but of course she’s moving away in two weeks. <:’3

We’re going to meet again to make the most of her time left. - I shipped the rest of the orders on the following Monday. I HAD to get these out. The poor guys have been waiting over a month! I think I picked a bad time to go because I had a huge line behind me and only one guy working. People in line were getting antsy or mad. The clerk at the other post office was super fast but not this guy…

For some reason shipping to the UK and Japan nearly doubled in price since the last time I checked. RIP. T_T - Omg I finally made a mistake. I wrote a letter to the wrong person. And the contents of that letter are too personalized!!! I am dying of embarrassment!!!!! Screams!! Had to apologize to both customers too!!! Luckily they were good sports about it but I’m seriously kicking myself AAAAAAAA!!!! - The most rewarding part after sending all my babies away is seeing the commentary on my project. It is so so nice to receive positive feedback. People are happy! Happy with something I created out of thin air. Everything was worth it 1000 times over. I can die happy!

I’m especially thankful to those who show understanding for how much effort went into it. It definitely wasn’t easy and I poured way too many hours into it… not that I regret that.

I don’t want to jump the gun but I would really love to make a volume 2. Because I know I can do better than last time. New and improved art and comics! But we’ll see if I make enough pieces for another book. I was against printing 40 pages before but now I kind of like it. It feels more worth it than a 25-page zine. If i’m going though so much effort, might as well bring in the entire package.

I’ll be printing more of this volume for Aselia Con 2020. Now I know people will appreciate it.

[paperclipninja]

Younger post-ep ramble 6x08

When episodes of TV shows are touted as 'epic' or 'game changing' I tend to proceed with caution, because chances of it living up to the hype are generally pretty slim. When it comes to Younger though, I should know better than to doubt such claims and 'Debu-taunt' (another pun-tastic title btw) really has changed the game and delivered some of the most poignant and meaningful character interactions of the series. This week's episode got back to the core of what this show is about: the female friendships in all their complexity. We saw lovely moments that deepened Diana and Liza's romantic relationships too of course, but these ultimately amplified the supportive and supporting role the men play in the women's lives. I've gotta say, I found this week's ramble hard to write because where do you start with an episode you've been anticipating for so long? The beginning, let's start at the beginning...

The episode opens with Liza and Charles living out some kind of domestic morning fantasy (minus the grapefruit for me thanks) and seeing the townhouse kitchen area in the daylight was something new, it's so much bigger than I realised! The entire scene is so aesthetically pleasing, particularly the Charles-in-a-vest-and-shirt situation as well as coordination of tie and Liza's dress, but of course it serves the far greater purpose of letting us know that Liza has fully integrated into the lives of Nicole and Bianca, right down to helping with homework and offering to drop a forgotten report off at school. It has been quite a few seasons since we saw or heard from the Brooks children and I fully appreciate catching a glimpse of Charles in dad-mode on the phone to Bianca, it's easy to forget that these characters have these other dimensions to their lives (speaking of which, is there some kind of alert out for Caitlin at this point? The lack of texts or calls or mentions is curious...Caitlin, if you're reading this, we're not mad, just let us know you're ok). Charles' gratitude to Liza for going to the school naturally makes my sappy heart swell, the 'I don't deserve you' only made better by his tardiness not being enough to stop him going back for a second kiss goodbye.

Pesky climate change forces Liza to discover she does not have a coat at Charles', but fortunately for her there is an entire closet full of coats, which naturally she does not question and is definitely not some kind of set up for a run in with the ex. Except it is of course and even as a viewer I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me watching Pauline ask Liza if the unexpectedness of their run in is why she is wearing her coat (seriously, I'm overwhelmed with second hand embarrassment typing this). Also, what was Pauline doing there? Just hanging out at the school for reasons or was she lurking in case Charles turned up with the report so she could catch a peek of him in a three-piece? While this remains a mystery (though who could blame her lbh), Pauline's desire to 'bury the hatchet' with Liza was def suspicious, but a nice distraction from the cringe-worthy, 'Bianca mentioned that she had two mommies' comment Mrs. Clipper makes before it's decided that Liza should be added to the pick-up list as she will 'be around for the long haul'. I am so grateful to see Liza showing that she is committed to and wants the life she has chosen with Charles in this episode. Regardless of what happens down the track, it's nice to see this character backing her own choices and decisions for now.

Any seasoned television watcher's alarm bells no doubt went off when Pauline cited the divorce negotiations as 'more or less behind us' (and again when Charles mentioned that 'it seems the worst is over' at the coffee station) because we all know that in the land of TV this 100% means it's only a matter of time before they will not be.

Keeping in the theme of wonderful character interactions, I may never get used to Charles and Liza just hanging out in the office (particularly Charles hovering around as an editor instead of the boss, but I am here for it until the end of time) and his adoring gaze as Liza recalls the awkward horror of her interaction with Pauline is topped off with a shared Harry Potter appreciation moment and honestly, these two and their nerd love, I cannot. The way the conversation about Liza moving in unfolded was so natural and yes, the answer is ALWAYS YES Liza when Charles Brooks suggests starting each day waking up together (insert swoon here). It turns out Liza doesn't overthink it, cue guilt pie and Pinot Noir with Maggie.  

These two are friendship goals times a thousand and Maggie's unwavering support upon hearing Liza talk about how she knows it's fast but it feels right epitomises the way these two only want one another's happiness (even if Maggie's expression as Liza goes to call Charles and tell him she will be moving in indicates she is going to very much miss her roommate). I loved hearing about and imagining them drinking wine and binging The Great British Bake Off and just how well they know and value one another, ugh, I could not gush more about all of it and this whole exchange felt like such a treat. I was envisioning Kelsey moving in once Liza moved out and I'm still holding out hope for this to happen when Liza does eventually make the move (remaining optimistic on this one even though I do pine for Liza/Maggie loft moments).

The sneak peek for this week showed us yet another golden interaction and that was, of course, Diana telling Charles about her engagement to Enzo. The main takeaways are a) Diana referring to herself as Charles' work wife and Charles's amused smile; b) Diana asking Charles for his blessing and him not really knowing why but giving it and; c) the longest hug in the world as Diana coaxes Charles into announcing her engagement to the office. I love that the interactions between these two always have a slightly awkward undertone but there is genuine care and warmth too. Diana telling Charles that he has always been able to read her like a book (lol) and the two sitting there with their hands together was just such a testament to their fabulously wacky relationship.

What better way to ensure that any DRAH-MAH unfolds in an overwhelmingly public forum than the morning meeting reveal that there is a Publishers Weekly Debutante Ball (for first time authors)  thrown every year! Turns out this is the event of the season, despite it being the first time Liza has heard about it (to be fair she has probs been distracted by the faux millennial facade previous years so didn't clock that this was a legit thing). I am digging Kelsey heading up and holding her own in these meetings, she is definitely stepping up to her new role it seems and I am keen to see how it continues to develop.  And those little looks across the conference room table between Charles and Liza, I see you.

Zane's gears still seem stuck on obnoxious since last ep, first throwing in Jake Devereux as a suggested author for the deb (a clear jab at Kelsey) and then putting his foot in it after hearing Diana's news by suggesting that DeLuca is 'better than Trout'. First of all, who in their right mind would say that out loud, let alone assume an established woman in her 40's (or any woman for that matter) is going to take a new husband's surname? Though Diana DeLuca is pretty great, I could definitely see her using it as an alias during future hi-jinx (preferably with Liza now that they can be actual proper friends, but I'm getting ahead of myself).

Right from the get go Her Majesty D. Trout is taking none of Zane's rubbish, asking him to use his words when he finally offers up PTB as a deb option and her zero tolerance for insolence continues when she corrects his question of who she's engaged to with, 'to whom'. At this stage of my love for this character, I'm really just wondering what sized portrait of Diana I should put in my shrine to her. This all comes out after Charles is prompted to announce Diana's big news (I'm kind of loving that Charles is a bit hopeless at remembering these sorts of details, last week when he'd failed to mention Bob and Julia would be on their table, then this week with the announcement...soon enough we'll be regaling ourselves with a collection of these, and we'll laugh and shake our heads as we mutter 'classic Chaz' under our breath) and it is of course Liza's reaction that is next level and so freaking OTT and I love it with every fibre of my being. Seriously, her yell-cheering and clapping is me in any excitement-inducing situation. My love for her love of Diana starts here and embarks on one hell of a ride from here onward during this ep.

While this episode certainly had a more serious tone than some others (I think this was definitely emphasised by the music choices too, there was a distinct lack of the usual pop/vocal and much more instrumental), Liza following Diana into her office semi-screeching, 'I'm so excited, why aren't you more excited?' met by Diana's 'Liza, please deactivate yourself', was hilarious. Diana asked Liza to be maid of honour in a way only Diana could and I tell you what, I damn delighted in that one hug a year. Everything about this scene was SO good, which of course meant that there was a dagger waiting right around the corner to plunge into our rib-cages and shatter our hearts into a million pieces (I wish I was being dramatic but where is the lie?)

That dagger's name is Pauline and it's during lunch that Liza discovers her real motivation for being all chummy and that is wanting Liza to help with her new book. Always a smart cookie, Liza agrees, in exchange for Pauline attending the Debutante Ball as Millennial's deb (I have to admit I did chuckle with the 'do you need to borrow a dress?' line). Despite dodgy af being Pauline's general modus operandi, I actually do think she was being sincere in her initial offer to move forward and let the whole 'you're-now-with-my-husband-and-my-kids-love-you-maybe-more-than-me-because-I-abandoned-them-for-a-year-at-a-pivotal-point-in-their-development' thing slide for the sake of maintaining some sort of relationship with her soon-to-be ex-husband and their children. If only she knew that the reason Liza understood her better than any of her current editors was because they were basically the same age and had similar life experiences...

...well THANK GOD for Mrs. Clipper, the true villain of the episode if you ask me, who quite frankly can't seem to get her paws on that copy of Liza's drivers license fast enough after Pauline tells her that men in her circle are always leaving their wives for assistants in their twenties. I might be off on an island on my own here, but you know what, I actually felt sorry for Pauline in this moment. In her mind Charles has also been deceived and by extension, her children, so I completely understand her initial reaction and feeling that she needs to tell Charles immediately and rescue him from this betrayal.

That all goes down at the Debutante Ball because it must of course, but first we catch Kelsey, Lauren and Zane reminiscing about their own proms at this prom for grown ups, with Lauren here for it and we unsurprisingly discover Zane was prom king (I heart Lauren's 'that tracks' comment). You always know whatever's about to go down is extra EXTRA when you see a couple of characters blissfully happy and unaware everything is about to implode, such as Charles and Liza celebrating their moving-in milestone, before Liza is whisked away backstage. When Charles is confronted by frantic Pauline and she discovers he knew about the lie too, I could imagine that up until that point she thought this would be something that would bond them in outrage, but it ended up being just another blow. While Pauline clearly has impulse issues and a pretty prominent vindictive streak, I do think it's one thing to wrap her head around her husband falling in love with a younger woman (though I do not understand on what planet Pauline thought she could piss off for a year on her own terms with zero communication and then just return to her life and there would be no upheaval) but the discovery that it was someone she could consider a peer would cut deeper.

As Pauline latched on to Liza's arm, it was like watching a live animal being led into the lion enclosure at dinner time.  I'm breaking out in a stress sweat just thinking about this scene, even though you could see it coming it was utterly shocking to watch unfold. The announcer emphasising that theirs was the only partnership in which the mentor was younger ensured the dagger was perfectly lined up before Pauline once again applied some revisionist history to her abandonment of the family, making a point of coming across as the blameless victim whose husband was 'lost' to the assistant standing beside her. As Pauline keeps talking Charles is clearly wary and concerned about where this is going and Kelsey quickly clues in just as Pauline drops that Liza is in fact 42 years old and the entire room gasps and murmurs and revels in the audacious reveal.

Enter Diana and that dagger is twisted well and truly into my fragile heart as she immediately assumes that 'this woman is deranged' and jumps to the defence of Liza, despite Charles and Liza trying to stop her. The fact that Diana tells Charles that she will not let this woman 'slander us', that she sees them as one united team, and holds Liza in such high esteem that she would put her own fear of making a scene aside to protect Liza's integrity, only made Liza's confirmation that 'it's true' even more heart-shattering. Miriam Shor deserves every damn award created for her acting in this entire episode, but the last 10 minutes in particular are nothing short of phenomenal. When Diana realises that Charles and Kelsey knew and that she had just made a spectacle of herself in front of a room full of the most important people in publishing, her need to escape is understandable and a panic attack is not an unreasonable physical response to such a huge revelation in such a public forum (I mean I was basically having one watching it all tbh).

Enzo's relief upon hearing that it was a panic attack is palpable and the interaction between him and Diana in the hospital may well be my favourite between these two yet. We see Diana as we've never seen her in this series; vulnerable, emotional, no necklace and no makeup. Always one to deliver a stellar line, her response to Enzo's 'how are you?',  'I'm fine, I've just lost trust in humanity as a whole, but other than that I'm fine', was on point and Enzo's response that 'she looks good' when Diana shares Liza's true age was A+ (for line and delivery). It is Diana's embarrassment at being that 'village idiot' when everybody else knew (I really wanted to somehow jump into my screen in that moment and tell her that Lauren and Zane didn't know either, it's not just you!) that took my heart pieces and trampled on them some more. I think it's because she is always so composed and controlled, but seeing Diana holding onto Enzo and saying that she just wants him, demonstrates how much he steadies her and allows her to be herself.

Just outside the room, Charles and Liza face a step back as Pauline has phoned to say she wants to re-visit the custody agreement (which I really struggle to see the relevance of or how Liza saying she was younger is anywhere near as bad as up and leaving your two small children for a year but sure, I'll play along for the sake of drama), which means that they cannot move in together as planned, Liza's lie has now impacted the man she loves as well as Diana and Charles feels responsible for Pauline exposing Liza the way she did. Liza reassuring Charles that he was just protecting her and the way he pulled her in to comfort her made any remnants of my shattered heart swell. It was such a tender moment between them and there was something about the parallel of Enzo comforting Diana in the room at the same time, whether intentional or not, that really stressed the uncertainty and distress both women were experiencing.

Josh phoning Liza to give her a hard time about being an upper East side lady was actually a really nice way to see this friendship developing (I would definitely expect my friends to do that) because had the timing not been so atrocious, I assume it would've been an otherwise pleasant conversation in which he would be happy for her (that's what I'm going with anyway). Obviously this call was to show that Liza's lie has once again stonewalled her and stopped her being able to move forward in her life and that she feels she's messed up everything at work and for Charles with his kids. Since learning that there were a number of deleted scenes, including the one in which Diana got her engagement ring, I must say that I feel like the phone call could probably have been omitted in lieu of progressing Diana's story for this episode and the choice to include it definitely feels like an extremely contrived attempt to stoke the triangle.

The fallout from the age reveal will no doubt play out over the coming episodes, however Lauren and Zane are still trying to wrap their heads around it the next morning (and again Zane, why on EARTH do you think you would've been someone who should know this information? I think I can count on one hand the number of conversations I've seen Liza and Zane have. Actually, no I can't because it's so few I can't even remember one) but I will say that I paused on the article Lauren is reading and Jackie Dunn has given a statement in it and this show, I swear, it outdoes itself even when no-one might notice. I appreciated Kelsey's itchy scalp to emphasise the stress of the situation and Lauren addressing Liza as 'Ma'am' was pretty darn funny (though I am a bit surprised at Lauren's reaction. I thought she'd be more intrigued and want to know all the details of how she did it etc.) But it is the final 3 minutes of this week's episode that absolutely blew me away and left me quite literally crying on the train as I watched.

There have been moments that have made me tear up and certainly times when character interactions have held such meaning on this show that the feelings are many, but there really never has been a scene like the one between Diana and Liza at the end of this week's episode of Younger. Diana's minimal make up and jewellery emphasised the rawness and realness of the entire exchange. Diana saying that she wouldn't have hired Liza if she'd known and Liza being able to say, 'exactly', made the point of why she told the initial lie so simply. In that moment Diana can understand Liza's need to lie about her age, but it is Diana's search for why, beyond that initial deceit, did Liza fetch her coffee and lunch and her urine samples...and hold her hand on the red carpet and convince her to go after Enzo...that she needs to know if everything else was real or was it part of the ploy to uphold the lie. Seeing Diana with her heart on her sleeve, needing to know if her perception of their relationship was a farce, was one of the most powerful moments, if not THE most powerful moment of this series. 

The resolution, that ‘honesty is the best policy’ and that Liza is no longer her maid of honour but her ‘old maid of honour’ could not have been more perfect. And in case I wasn’t already a blubbering mess, Diana’s emotional, ‘I just want to say...’ which Liza instinctively answered with, ‘I love you too’ did me in completely and honestly, the whole thing is so sublime, what an absolute gift.  No words I write can do justice to the incredible performances of Miriam Shor and Sutton Foster so I really can only suggest you go and watch the final scene again for yourself.

This episode of Younger really was something else. After five and a half seasons, Liza is finally free from her lie, she can FINALLY live her life without wondering if or when or how it is going to catch up with her. It feels like a big sigh of relief. For me this episode also showed how much more compelling it is for the drama to sit in the space of these women navigating friendships and work dynamics and how much the focus on the triangle detracts from what this show is actually about. It's not that often you get to watch an episode of a show you love and think, 'that episode is going to go down as one of the best in the series', but 'Debu-taunt' will without a doubt hold it's place as one of the best.   

[franeridart]

dude your recent demon & angel kiribaku art reminds me a little bit of aziraphale and crowley from good omens!! like aziraphale would be angrier as baku obvs but still i thought of it and it made me happy lol

A lot of people have mentioned that in the tags/under the post and that makes me!!! super happy!!!! Good Omens is one of my fav books and Crowley one of my fav characters, so the comment feels nice! I wasn’t specifically thinking about them when drawing it, but possibly a bit I was influenced anyway!! I wonder if what made everyone think about them was Kiri’s sunglasses? It’s not noticeable but I did give him glowing eyes too after all haha

Anon said:Have you ever thought about how op a TodoBakuDeku fusion would be? (if they could stay together that is lol!)

Never thought of it tbh, but at this point I’m pretty sure with a lot of work on Baku’s part they’d be able to stick together long enough! He wouldn’t find it comfortable but they’d def be one of the strongest three-people-fusions in the class - not the strongest, tho, since they all have the same sort of straightforward offensive power when it comes to their quirks, I think I could find three people who’d make a stronger fusion... Baku Kiri and Momo, for example, would be even more impressive imho! Since all their quirks cover a different field, and their minds/personalities mesh well enough to have the right amount of planning and instinctive reaction/self-preservation and safety of others/pride and self-doubt/lawfulness and chaotic acting and so on. Even just as a team, without counting them as a fusion, I think they’d make one of the most balanced ones! Compared to that putting Todo Deku and Baku in the same place is just a recipe for disaster more often than not haha

Anon said:no, i move slow, I wanna stop time, I'll sit here til I find the,, inspiration to draw,,,,,,

LMAO it’s a song about art block after all, I feel every word in it a whole damn lot hahaha

Anon said:Art block or no art block, I love everything you come up with 💜

AW HECK ANON you’re so sweet!!! Thank you so much!!!!! ;O;

Anon said:Mixing thei hero names? So uuuh King Riot?

We still don’t know Baku’s hero name, so anything might be, really! It’s why I didn’t outright have Kiri mention any idea, I got no clue myself where he was going with it haha it’d be cool if his hero name were Ground Zero, because it’d mix well with Red Riot imho (Red Zero or Ground Riot or Red Ground, they all sound nice!) but what if Baku’s hero name ends up just being Katsuki, after all? How do you mix that with Red Riot? (the answer is Red Victory, or Akatsu!! from akai (red) + katsu !! ngl I’ve thought about this a lot lmao) anyway so many possibilities so little known facts!

Anon said:I love the details on Kiri and Baku's skin. Great job!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Anon said:!!!!!!!!!! fran oh my god your zine piece is so beautiful!!!!!!!

Sob thank youuu!!!! I’m glad you liked it!!!! ;O;

Anon said:i just got my zine and the art and writing was so lovely, i loved your comic at the end. an amazing way to end the zine♡

THANK YOU!!!! I’m jelly, I still haven’t gotten mine ;O; I hope the comic was easy to read even in printed form, I’ve been worried about that for months hahaha rip at least there’s the pdf

Anon said: i’m in love with your kiri bday art!!!! with the colorless art like that, are we allowed to color it? of course no posting it, but just for fun.

If you promise not to post it, I’m cool with it! Thank you for liking it enough to want to do that!!! Seriously tho don’t post it if you do

Anon said:Can you draw more kamisero? g u d q u a l i t y s h i p ma' dude.

Maybe? Currently it really isn’t between my top priorities but who knows

Anon said:FRANNNNN!!!! Your comic for the Take My Hand zine!!!! I'm gonna cry! It's so beautiful and the boys are so perfect! Your art is so amazing, I was so thrilled to see your piece. Not to mention the detail you put in. Their hands killed me! With Bakugou's palms and Kiri's arms! Ugh, I just can't, I love it so much.

I’M SO GLAD YOU LIKED THE HANDS it’s weird bc that one panel is probably my fav in the comic and I was so sure no one was gonna really notice it but!! So many people did!!!!! It makes me so happy oh man ;O;

Anon said:Hey coulda maybe make a traitor Kaminari comic?

Nope! No traitor arts here, sorry! SInce I don’t believe any of the theories to the point of finding them outright laughable, any art I could ever make about it would just come out looking either fake or ridiculous and no one wants to see that lmao

Anon said:your take my hand comic!!! it's so good!! thank you for doing the boys so well ;;;

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOUUUU!!!!!!!!

Anon said:I don't know if you remember, but a couple months ago I asked if it'd be okay for me to write something based on a few of your art pieces. Would that still be alright? Your art is gorgeous and makes my brain think and brings joy to me all the time ^^ would absolutely link to the art and credit you. that's not even a question :)

That still depends on which art you’re specifically talking about! And thank you so much for the compliment!!

Anon said:I don’t know if you read fan fiction, but I have one to suggest to you! It’s called, “It’s Obvious When You Lie”. Only three chapters are out so far, but it’s really good!

I’ll add it to my marked for later list then!! Thank you so much for the rec, I don’t easily try out ongoing fics so this was very nice of u!!!

Anon said:In the body switch AU Todoroki sees how fucked up Midoriya feels around Bakugou('s body?) and realizes wow fuck this guy has traumatized my bf. I wonder what I can do to fuck w/ him so the day before they switch back (So Bakugou can't do much in retaliation) he takes Bakugou's body and does the stupidest bullshit ever as revenge

HECK anon sorry but nothing like this would happen ever as long as I’m the one writing the AU! For three main reasons! One, I don’t think Deku is traumatized at all! His relationship with Baku at the moment is actually pretty damn neat and on equal footing, you go you two, growing so much!! Two, Baku and Todo are friends!!! And Todo would never be a dick to Baku instead of just talking to him, if he had a problem with him!! Three, even if one and two weren’t true, Deku has no need for knights in shining armor fighting his battles for him!! He’s a strong independent boy and if he hasn’t fought Baku over this it’s probs cause he doesn’t want anyone to fight him over it!!! Also in this specific AU Todo and Deku aren’t dating, so the scenario doesn’t work for me! Sorry!

Anon said:Have you ever thought about krbk wedding?

I have! And I’ve talked about it on here a few times too! Lately I’ve been thinking about it again tho, from a designs point of view, because!! There’s that very neat post going around tumblr about that wedding photos in which one of the two grooms has a white tux with a cape, and I’ve been thinking about a variation of it for Kirishima’s wedding suit :0 something red instead of white, but generally similar! It’s a lot of effort to draw it so I still haven’t, but yeh!!

Anon said:Hello! I read this fic about your cat comics and the author said to send you some love in their end notes so here is some well-deserved love: your art is beautiful! It's why I became interested in BakuShima and I would not have loved these characters as much if it weren't for you. You also seem to be a very nice person, your mind is beautiful and I am glad you exist

G O DS this is such a nice ask!!!! thank you so so much!!!! ;O;

Anon said:Non chiedo una risposta a questo messaggio, anzi. Volevo solo dirti che trovo la tua arte FANTASTICA, e non sai quanto i tuoi comic e tutto il tuo lavoro mi ha strappato più di un sorriso in brutti momenti. Sapere che sei italiana mi ha fatto totalmente impazzire. Continua così, hai del talento vero. E grazie!

NUHHHH GRAZIE A TE PER ESSERE COSI’ GENTILE OMFG !!!!!!!!!! ;A;

Anon said:Okay okay okay! I adore your art! Could you maybe... draw some KiriBaku fantasy? If it’s not too much to ask! It can be as simple as can be! Your art is just really cute!

Yes I can and yes I will!!! Definitely and in the near future, did you know one of the app games JUST revealed a fantasy wolf Baku as a special halloween chara?? It’s just fantasy Baku with wolf ears and tail, but he’s adorable and I’ve been wanting to draw him since I saw him this morning ;O; so cute!

Anon said:Pssst. Singer Baku, Guitarist Kami, and Drummer Kiri. A good hc if I do say so myself.

It IS a great thought!! Drummer Kiri and Singer Baku have always been a weakness of mine too, so heck!! What a good image! If we put Jirou on bass and vocals too and sero on keyboard and mina on guitar, you make my fav band right then and there hahaha

Anon said:I'm not in the BNHA fandom at the moment but your art still continues to give me the warm fuzzies

GODS ISN’T THIS A NICE ASK!! I’m happy I can make you enjoy even characters you’re not specifically into! Thank you so much for sticking around!!!! ;O;

Anon said:i just got into bnha and fell in love with your art, started going through your sketch tag, and then realize that youre the person who made a bunch of haikyuu comics i loved a while ago so im! very glad to rediscover your stuff!!

HOLY GODS THAT’S NEAT!!! Welcome back!!!! ;O;

Anon said:I love it when you draw kiri with his hair down 💕💕💕 so good, so pure 💕💕💕💕

Oh boy thank you!! ;O; he’s so much easier to draw with his hair spiked for me, knowing people like the way I draw his hair when down means a whole damn lot!! 

Anon said:Hello! First I love your account and artwork! Second will you ever be drawing Mako and Taiyou again? They are so adorable! Also Bakugou and Kirishima seems like amazing dad's!

Thank you!!! And yes I will! I have another ask around here asking about them, so maybe soon! Just gotta find the right idea to draw, I got a bunch but they’re all way too long for my curret attenton span level sadly hahaha rip

Anon said:lmaaaaooo my boi kaminari be having an emotional awakening

Kaminari is like, he’s always somewhere subconsciously known that Baku’s objectively pretty, but since he knows him so well and he’s always around him and most of the times they’re bickering and making fun of each other he’s never actually realized, so now he’s like oh, NOW I see it hahaha

Anon said:hi u probably get this enough but I wanted to give u all my appreciation for ur art thank u for sharing it with us I love everything u post ♡♡♡

THANK YOU!!!! It might be greedy of me but this sorta asks are never enough for me, so seriously thank you for taking your time to drop by and be so nice!!!

Anon said:Could you please draw more of the body swap au? Or what if a different pair of students were to switch?

I’m not gonna draw any other switch with other students, because before settling on Baku and Todo I went through a lot of possibilities and came to the conclusion that nothing would be as funny as Baku and Todo switched are (or at least nothing Horikoshi hasn’t already done himself lmao) so there’s that. I might draw more of them switched, but to be honest with you the only idea with that concept I have right now is Bakugou forgetting he’s suddenly taller and continuously walking into things around the dorms, so there’s that as well hahaha

[asryakino]

Okay

Okay yeah

I’m under a LOT more stress than normal right now. And my stupid little brain is compartmentalizing it into trauma size and worry which is a nice thing for it to do. But it results in me feeling like I’m super stressed and not expressing it enough becuase the Emergency Shutoff valve for Emotion (tm) has been hit and I’m just... numb now.

Just fucking numb. Started off with coming home between shifts (as usual) to discover the battery in my laptop had decided to bulge and the registration I did four years ago never fucking took. It was out of warrenty by now anyway but still. Panic. Called company, got battery part number - had to call while in front of mom because THAT was when they picked up - immediately set off one of mom’s triggers about how shitty her laptop is because she chose to go back to the one she hates over learning to use the tablet computer. Stepped out to the mailbox only to discover that we’ve been reported for having (gasp* BOXES on our screened-in front porch. I had to call city ordienence and hope this was a misunderstanding about my ugly ass container garden made of upcycled kitty litter containers. The woman who wrote the violation? Not answering the phone. So I get to stress about this because the LAST violation WARNING please note this is a WARNING that’s IT a notification of the rule being broken. My mom HOUNDED about it for TEN FUCKING YEARS. And I only JUST got her to shut the fuck up about it. I could not, for the sake of my sanity, allow her to find out we’d been reported by some scumbag in the neighbourhood. Left a message, stressed more about what to say/do/how to deal with this situation.

okay... dealt with that. Then went to work for second shift - stressed and on edge because my driver’s been getting onto me about every little thing because her sister has been visiting, and she’s been unconsciously bringing THAT stress onto the bus and affecting her work. I’ve been respectfully silent on the matter while she’s chewed me out over every little thing. I was battling a migraine by this point and covered my eyes to fend off as much stimulation as possible while I try to conserve enough fucking energy to pretend to be a functioning adult while the kids are on. Stress more about whether our trouble kid will be riding because I do not have the brainpower to deal with them.

Trouble doesn’t ride, other kids are as alright as can be expected. Driver is still being distant. City Code woman calls mid shift, and I have to tell her I have to talk to her when I’m NOT at work. But OH she won’t be in her office again until WEDNESDAY. Which puts the posted time limit on the fucking violation SHE WROTE at fucking HALF before I even find out what I have to do to correct for this shit in the first place.

YAY more stress. yippie.

By now my jaw is hurting, my head is throbbing, my knees and ankles are killing me and my elbows have popped due to fidgeting flex and tension dislocating my fucking joints again.

Drop kids off, try to finish paperwork as necessary, think I have everything done, make escape to have a cry in the car and try to relax just a LITTLE bit to deal with this shit.

Go home- mom is still in bad mood, no relaxing happening tonight. Get a text from driver where she announces that she’s going to have to get a new aide who can do all the paperwork properly (I missed one part of one section) and that “won’t eat, sleep and play games instead of doing work. [I] have NEVER had an aide act like this!”

Note - I don’t sleep on the bus. I put my head down to counter the overstimulation of afternoon sun, passing traffic, and scenery.

I don’t “play games” on my phone. I READ. And since we’re allowed books, there should be no problem allowing electronic books. But when she complained I stopped even doing THAT because it upset my driver.

So I don’t put my head down to keep out overstimulation, and I can’t read to provide my own stimulation. So instead? I’ve been staring and zoning out at the back of the seat ahead of me instead. This she has interperted as me sleeping apparently.

Eating - she eats every day, and I eat most days because I don’t do well on the whole -eating- thing so I MAKE myself eat small snacks to keep from passing out.

She has an obsessive need to have a floor on a schoolbus you can apparently eat off of. And compulsively cleans the bus 2-5 times a DAY, with SPECIAL attention around MY seat because either consciously or unconsciously she considers ME a mess. She ALSO considers the children messes, and has yelled at them and insisted I enforce a stupid ass level of cleanliness that most NICU don’t enforce. Example - the kids are not allowed to TOUCH the windows or it upsets her. They are all visibly upset and scared of being yelled at by her for touching the windows.

her text just set me off the deep end and I shut down immediately to respond that I was sorry for my failings and she has made it extremely clear that I am not fit for this work and job and that if she wants a new aide I will set aside so she can have one that better fits her. My mind is already made up, I’m requesting another assignment for next year - literally any other assignment at this point because she has made it EXTREMELY clear thorugh her words and actions that I am not welcome in her space and she doesn’t feel I am able to perform my work at all.

When I had to write up a kid, I wrote out the exact details and times of what happened. She took it upon herself to rewrite the write up and put her own version of events. Which was esclated as to what really happened and caused issues when trying to explain the situation.

So I came home to all that bullshit, then drove an hour to do a grooming job that helped somewhat with the stress. But the stress immediately returned when my mind was no longer on the topic of grooming cats.

Coming home I stopped for pizza as a way to placate mother - and noticed my engine was making a bad knocking sound. The sound worsened until saturday morning when it sounded as if I was going to blow a piston out of the engine block. Oil was bone dry, transmission was dry, added each and additive to help... sound still there and steadily getting worse. Go to mechanic on the way to my dad’s. NOW having to deal with a panicked mother who is panic stressing about the engine noise that we can literally do nothing about. Go to mechanic, who says it’s a piston or arm and the engine is fucked and on a timer to self destruction - I just dropped 2k in repairs on it about two months ago.

MORE STRESS

Fan fucking tastic.

go to store to get dinner, go to dad’s...

dinner and movie is good, tablet is chugging and won’t play games. Eh.. is fine.

Put mom to bed, watch final movie with dad, go to bed.

Discover 8d music - some stress removed.

Mom starts having a massive seizure- shaking, foaming at the mouth, non responsive, eyes rolled back grand maal seizure. Get dad, call 911, have to direct them how to get to her bedroom, direct them how to get her out of the house and to the ambulance because my dad’s house is weird...

follow to hospital

sit in ER for nearly 14 hours for them to determine they have no idea what happened, but that she def had a seizure in front of them (an absent one) and what I describe is a grand maal, and that they just don’t know what happened.

truck still sounds like shit

dad finds replacement truck in my city for 2500$

cool cool

dad already dealing with dropped house insurance, busted ass roof, and possibility of being kicked out of his house because of tax prices and bullshit because he can’t hold a job because of shit that happened 30 years ago.

yay more fucking stress.

so yeah

I just really fucking feel like dying right now mkay?

[bloodthirstymoonstone]

Cursed Lance (Meta #1)

Hey, guys! I’ve been meaning to do a few posts like this where I kind of go in depth about something related to Valter that would kind of seem out of place, were I to try to include the details in an actual post. I like the idea of this because, while Valter is pretty much just a walking, breathing pile of trash, I think that looking around the world around him can add a bit of depth as to WHY he’s as fucked up as he is, and the effect that has on everything around him.

So I thought I’d get started on the one thing integral to understanding his character, and that’s understanding my take on his famed Cursed Lance. It gets kinda long, so I’m gonna place most of this under a cut. But if you plan on interacting with Valter in the future, I’d consider this a must-read!

Okay, first let’s get all of the canon stuff that we know out of the way, for those who aren’t privy on FE8 lore. Most of the information we have about the cursed lance comes from a conversation between Duessel and Cormag. 

It’s extremely powerful

The cursed lance is a family heirloom that belongs to Duessel

You CAN touch and carry it around safely, as long as you don’t use it in battle

If you use it in battle, you’ll go insane (unless vague stipulations are met)

The insanity stays with you, even if the lance is later taken away (Valter wasn’t in possession of the lance during the in-game events of FF8 at all)

Lance apparently glitters with an unnatural light and emits a powerful aura

Valter’s eyes shine with the same light when in battle

Though Valter was never really a “good” person, the effect of the lance made him ten times worse (More on that in a later post!)

I’ll also make a quick note on the cursed lance as it appears in FE Heroes. 16 Might, which is on par with other melee legendary weapons like Armads and Raijinto, but it also has TWO effects. Not only does it accelerate the Special trigger by reducing the cool down rate by one (like the killer lance, Mystletainn, or Hauteclere), but it ALSO increases attack and speed by 2 each, at the expense of 4 health per combat phase.

In other words, it makes him more deft, more powerful, and a more savage attacker, but not at all more DURABLE. (Unlike Fury, which will sap your health each phase, but will also make you more resistant to both physical and magical damage.) In fact, it actually SAPS your health, making it harder to survive the longer you stay and fight.

Now, to be fair, Valter is already fairly chunky (having a base of 34 def and 42 health at 5* level 40 is nothing to sneeze at), but I think this says a lot about the effect the cursed lance has on Valter. He’ll always be crazy as fuck with or without it in his hands, but having the Cursed Lance directly in his grasp will actually make him even MORE reckless than he usually is. And more dangerous as well. 

He knows that the lance grants him more power, which is why he’s often seen with it, even if he’s not supposed to be heading into battle any time soon. It just makes him feel… more secure. Like a nightmarish version of a comfort blanket. And the prolonged exposure to the lance has had detrimental effects on his body as a whole, but it’s hard for him to recognize that with the seducing power of the lance thrumming in his head constantly. Most notable examples being, decreased appetite and especially decreased desire for sleep.

Notice that I didn’t say the lance decreases his NEED for food or sleep – it just makes him FEEL like it does. Most days, I’d say he’d get only like 2 hours of sleep (most of which consists of really quick power-naps taken through the day – I’m talking a minute each, at most), and might go most of the day without realizing he needs to eat, only to quickly find himself in danger of passing out due to low blood sugar. Incidentally, this is why his eyes always look so… weird. Tired, almost. He’s running his body ragged and doesn’t even realize it. It won’t be long before the madness takes him completely and he ends up in a coffin. 

Speaking of “madness”, perhaps calling what the lance gave him is a bit of a misnomer. He’s not insane at all – he can be incredibly cunning, manipulative, and crafty. He clearly understands basic rules of the universe and won’t try to do something that would be ACTUALLY insane, like jumping off of a cliff without his wyvern because he thinks he can fly by himself. What it DID do is strip him of basic human emotions and morality – the concepts of shame, loyalty, fear, and even empathy seem as alien to him as someone trying to explain theoretical physics to a dog.

The lance has also warped his perception of the world around him – usually in regards to his abilities. As I said before, the lance doesn’t make him invincible, or even more sturdy. It just makes him FEEL like it does, which can often make him over-estimate his abilities in relation to others (as seen when he cockily challenges the twins to a fight and admits to Cormag that he slaughtered his brother in FE8, and gets his ass handed to him in result). He thinks of himself as the strongest, toughest Wyvern Knight to ever exist, and it’s just… It’s not true.

Okay, this is already getting pretty long, so here’s another bullet point list about misc things I couldn’t seem to fit in anywhere else.

I have no idea how Valter got the lance in FE Heroes, considering that he only had the weapon in FE8 for a short time years before the in-game events ever happened

I think the most probably explanation is that he broke into Duessel’s crib and stole it from him, possibly even killing him in the resulting scuffle.

Valter’s eyes are usually bright blue, but will occasionally flash a vivid purple while in combat. This is the gleam Cormag described as Valter’s eyes and the lance sharing. (Based on his special portrait in Heroes)

The foreboding aura the lance exudes is a chilling aura – just being around it can make the air feel 10 degrees Fahrenheit (~5.55 C?) cooler

I probably describe Valter’s hands as being cold a lot. That’s a direct consequence of handling the lance. 

Yearning for blood is a physically painful experience for him. When he hasn’t killed in a while, he almost feels as if the lance burns to the touch.

There’s no way to know if that’s mental or an actual, physical property of the lance. Outside observers who touch the lance during times he swears it’s burning him say it’s as cold as it usually is. 

Valter is 6′7″ (~200 cm) tall. In his glory days before handling the lance, Valter was 265 pounds (120.202 kg) heavy, with most of that being muscle.

The lance tricking him into thinking he doesn’t need to eat has caused him to lose weight (and, consequently, muscle mass) over the years. He’s now 245 pounds (111.13 kg)

The lance has caused him to throw most of his self care out of the window, but he still takes absolutely meticulous care of his hair. That’s for reasons I’ll get into at a later time.

The lance has dulled his sense of touch pretty significantly, making him more pain resistant. Again, this does nothing to make him more resistant to damage -- he’s just less likely to notice it. Which can be a bad thing.

The lance also sharpens his sense of sight and hearing slightly. If he concentrates, he can hear incredibly soft noises like someone breathing a room away from him. He can make out details from farther distances and see extremely well in low light.

[entergamingxp]

How Can I Write About Video Games Right Now?

June 3, 2020 3:00 PM EST

How can I possibly write about video games right now? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now.

Featured image credit: Tyler Tomasello/Zuma/Rex/Shutterstock via The Guardian.

How can I possibly write about video games right now?

It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for a while now. With the world seemingly burning down around me, writing about video games seems like the least important thing in the world. And, to be fair, even before 2020 started, most of this job felt somewhat superfluous.

I mean, I obviously value games criticism and love getting to add dumb jokes about Waluigi being grown in a vat at Nintendo, but I don’t place some huge level of importance on my job. It’s good work. It’s (usually) fun work. But I wouldn’t call it strictly necessary.

While this has been something on my mind for a few months now, the events of the past few days have really brought it to the forefront. Does the world really need me to talk about the Sega Game Gear Micro when so many people are out protesting against police brutality every night? Do I even want to publish an impressions article for Bug Fables when it could, theoretically, take eyes away from important news taking place around the country?

The easy answer is undoubtedly, unequivocally no. In the grand scheme of things, video games aren’t that important. However, in 2020 there really aren’t any easy answers.

As I struggle to answer the question for myself and decide the best course of action to take, I can’t help but think back to my childhood. Growing up in rural Oklahoma, racism was pretty common. My graduating class had around 185 kids and only one of us was black. The only other black kid in my high school was his younger brother.

I remember very vividly showing up to a Halloween dance off-campus and seeing a group of seniors outside handing out forms to join the KKK. Hopefully, it was just a bad joke, but, given some of the other stuff I witnessed, I wouldn’t be surprised. At one of our after-proms, a few kids showed up in white hoods. In my first year of college, a good friend told me, in great detail, his plan to shoot President Obama if he got elected.

And the most terrifying thing to me is that I just had to see it. I never had to live with that fear that I can only imagine every single day of my life.

It’s weird thinking back on growing up in such a backward place. Like, how did I come out of that not being a complete racist? A lot of it probably has to do with my parents being decent people, but I think I owe a decent amount of gratitude to video games.

I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up and got bullied for being overweight quite a bit. So, like many, I turned to video games to escape my reality. Sure, there was only one person who would talk to me in homeroom. But if I could click buttons well enough, people loved my barbarian in Diablo 2.

One of the most formative games from my childhood is, without a doubt, NBA Street Vol. 2. But it’s not the gameplay that has been so incredibly influential on my life, it’s the soundtrack.

Featuring tracks from artists like Black Sheep, Talib Kweli, Pete Rock, and CL Smooth, that collection of music shaped most of my musical interests to this day. While everyone else in my school was listening to Garth Brooks or Britney Spears, I was downloading every track from Nas, De La Soul, and Mos Def I could find on LimeWire (y’all remember LimeWire?). I was actively engaging in learning more about a culture I would never in a million years encounter inside my own little bubble.

That’s not to say that listening to hip hop made me understand the plight of being a black person in America. I could never do that. I’m also not saying that knowing all the lyrics to most of Common’s library makes me not a racist. I am still a racist. Don’t doubt that for a second. It might not be overt racism, but it’s still there.

Case in point, over the past few days several of my colleagues at DualShockers, people I love and respect, are getting opportunities to jump on a bigger platform and talk about what all this means to them. 99% of me was immediately elated for them. However, there’s that little voice inside saying “hey, I work just as hard as anybody here, and I never get asked to be on podcasts. What the heck?”

And in that moment, I know I still have so much work to do. I absolutely work hard, and if I keep doing it well, I’ll get my own opportunity, but me internally whining about not getting on a podcast is such a joke. “Come on, dude,” I have to exasperatedly say to myself.

So, NBA Street Vol. 2’s soundtrack didn’t magically cure me of my racism. But, it did make me see it. It made me know it was there. And, most importantly, it made me recognize how easily ingrained it is. Which is something that never would’ve happened without the game.

That’s why I think it’s important to keep writing about video games. Because there are some incredible creators out there, making things that more people need to see. And the only way I see for us to move forward as a people is to start to actually recognize and empathize with people who are “different”: whether that’s skin color, sexual orientation, or whatever.

If I can put somebody on to their own NBA Street Vol. 2, then I’ve done my job as a games writer and a human being. Plus, it’s not like my personal journey to become not just an overt racist, and instead actively anti-racist, began and ended in 2003. That’s obviously a battle I’m still fighting today by seeking out these games and other media for myself. It’s a fight that I want to continue to fight each and every day.

One of my unspoken goals at DualShockers has always been to highlight smaller games. If you take the time to go back through my published articles, you’ll notice I cover a lot of indie titles. That’s on purpose. In many ways, those games are more important than much of what the AAA side of the industry is putting out. Those titles are highlighting underrepresented creators or telling stories that probably wouldn’t sell a million copies. But they’re meaningful. They’re needed. They push us as people forward.

Unfortunately, what hasn’t always been on purpose for me is looking for games made by or starring people of color. Sure, I’ll highlight them if the game looks cool, but I don’t actively seek them out. Most of the time I really don’t pay attention to the person behind the games I’m playing or writing about. I think it’s time to change that.

So, look for more of that in the future out of me. In the meantime, check out Umurangi Generation, Dandara, and Afterparty. Those games are rad and worth a look. I also think we’ll have a separate article up soon that will be of interest.

And if anybody reads this and wants me to come on your podcast, I’m not available. That said, I know a few excellent people who are.

Additionally, here are some resources and a select few gaming-focused forms of media to share. Bear in mind that there are many more scattered around social media and websites.

Black Lives Matter has a resources page that you can visit that will take you to numerous PDFs, for example, the Healing Justice Toolkit was created to “collate, condense, and share the lessons we have learned in ensuring that our direct actions are centered on healing justice.”

Jesse Sparks published a blog post titled, “7 Virtual Mental Health Resources Supporting Black People Right Now” In a time where there’s a lot of tension and activity, this could prove useful for those who may need some support.

This document titled, “Anti-Racism Resources” is a list of various types of media that act as a “resource to white people and parents to deepen our anti-racism work”. It’s extensive, but very detailed and worth reading.

The Spawn On Me Podcast looks to spotlight people of color in the gaming industry and is hosted by Kahlief Adams.

Gamertag Radio is a podcast about video games hosted by Parris Lilly, Danny Peña, and Peter Toledo.

Spotify also released a Black Lives Matter playlist featuring songs about empowerment and pride featuring a lot of Black and POC artists.

Game Devs of Color Expo has tweeted for Black game developers who may need support.

Black Game Developers is a website that showcases Black game developers across the world.

Here are some charities and movement suggestions you may wish to consider supporting.

June 3, 2020 3:00 PM EST

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/06/how-can-i-write-about-video-games-right-now/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-can-i-write-about-video-games-right-now

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

5 Lessons From Celiac Disease That Help During the Coronavirus Outbreak

New blog post! I'm sure that most people can relate when I say that the last few weeks have felt as surreal as they have chaotic. The Coronavirus outbreak has meant I moved out of my apartment in Minnesota two months ahead of schedule, am now busy transitioning the college class I teach to be online and am receiving a very different ending to my grad school experience than I expected.

As overwhelming as this whirlwind of events has been, though, I've been trying to focus on gratitude and staying as positive as possible...which is why I started thinking about how living with celiac disease has actually made adapting to the new precautions for the Coronavirus outbreak a little easier. (Especially since otherwise healthy individuals with celiac disease are not at a higher risk for the Coronavirus). So in order to share a little light during this hectic time, I thought I would start my entry back into the blogging world (which I've definitely missed while my schedule was far too busy to write and post!) by sharing five ways living with celiac disease has helped me adapt a little easier to life during the Coronavirus outbreak.

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #1: Already knowing how to work with what you have in the kitchen.

As most people probably know from experience or news stories, in many parts of the United States (and the rest of the world, I'm assuming), many grocery shelves are bare as people have been stocking up. Personally, I flew back to Minnesota from my Spring Break in California (check out my Insta posts here for more fun details into my adventure before this chaos all began!) and immediately hit my local Aldi hours after I landed, and I had never seen so many things out of stock.

As a result, a lot of people may not be able to find their usual groceries, which requires a lil' bit more creativity in the kitchen.

And that's where the benefits of living with celiac disease come in.

Because when gluten, wheat and all of its cousins suddenly become off-limits, creativity in the kitchen is a must. So the idea of having to whip up a delicious dinner using only the foods still available at your local grocery store might not feel as intimidating for someone with celiac disease than it might for a creative-cooking newbie. ;)

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #2: Already knowing how to be innovative when connecting with others.

Besides empty grocery shelves, the biggest way the Coronavirus outbreak has affected my life (and many others) is by majorly limiting my face-to-face social activity. Even though I was never a huge extrovert, I still interacted with people daily at the gym or while attending and teaching college classes, so shifting to only interacting with family members living in the same house has been a major shift. But as I've reflected over the past week, I've realized that I'm somewhat used to being creative in how I connect with others...and I believe many with celiac disease can relate. After all, one of the most common ways for people to spend time together is to "break bread"...and celiac disease doesn't make that easy.

So we're often forced to get creative. We go to restaurants with loved ones for the company instead of the food. I invite friends for walks (or even rollerskating!) instead of coffee shop dates, and I consider many of the Instagram connections I've made in the gluten free community real friends, even though I've never met them in real life. And in the time of social distancing, I think that kind of adaptability can actually work to our advantage. I know I've found comfort checking in with friends on Instagram (my DMs are always open, even if I may be a bit slow to respond!) and look forward to getting creative with family baking adventures, FaceTime "parties" with friends and more fun Insta challenges (considering I've already been tagged to complete the push-up challenge, I'm sure more will come my way!).

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #3: Having experience making my OWN definition of a "healthy lifestyle."

Right now, at least in the health and wellness bubble I often occupy on social media, it seems like "healthy living" is a lot harder to achieve than normal. Gyms are closed, fresh produce may be limited and some people aren't even allowed to leave their house to get in some steps. As a result, I know I've been having a little anxiety about not being "active enough" or eating too much comfort foods (thank youuuu stress), and from just a quick glance on Instagram, I know I'm not alone.

However, I've already needed to re-define my definition of "healthy" in the past, like when I was diagnosed with celiac disease. Suddenly, whole wheat and whole grain were the LEAST healthy items I could add to my shopping cart, and when I was dangerously malnourished initially after my celiac diagnosis, exercise was also not the "healthiest" activity I could have done.

From back during my hospitalization in 2013...

So I'm trying to apply a similar mindset shift to the Coronavirus outbreak. Maybe we can't move our bodies as much as usual...but perhaps this can be a rejuvenating time for rest and different forms of exercise, if we feel like it. And maybe we can't eat the "healthiest" diet...but when there are countless lives at stake, should that really be a priority?

Obviously, I'm not a professional in nutrition, mental health, exercise or really anything regarding the Coronavirus outbreak and general health. But I have realized how empowering it is to define "healthy" in a way that actually lets you feel your best instead of constantly feeling "not enough"...and I believe many people living with celiac disease or other chronic illnesses can relate.

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #4: Already knowing how to openly discuss your needs with others...especially, housemates.

Another major way life has changed since the Coronavirus outbreak? Many people are now quarantined in their houses...often with other people. And at least in my experience of sharing a small apartment with 3+ other girls for almost a year, that level of constant cohabitation requires a LOT of open communication.

And like you can probably guess...living with celiac disease can def help with that. ;) After all, when you have celiac disease, you don't just need to communicate your dietary needs to family. You need to talk to friends and significant others, waiters and chefs, food company owners and, of course, anyone who uses your kitchen. So while I definitely wouldn't say I - or anyone else with celiac disease - automatically nail every communication opportunity, I do think having experience stating your needs can make spending a lot of quality time with people a lil' easier. So thank you celiac disease for that!

Coronavirus Outbreak, Celiac Hack #5: Regularly getting excited over little things in life.

If you've ever jumped up and down in a grocery store because you finally found that delicious food you've spent months looking for, you probably have celiac disease or other dietary restrictions. Personally, I've cried over not having any good tasting gluten free tortillas, and I've definitely done happy dances in public when I discovered a new gluten free restaurant or product in my local grocery store. The benefit of these experiences? I've learned that little things in life - like finding some damn tasty GF tortillas - are worth celebrating and being grateful for. And at a time in the world when a lot of our usual daily activities are frustratingly off-limits, I think this mindset is more important than ever.

From the delicious Gluten Free Gem in Portland

The Bottom Line of How Celiac Disease is Helping Me Cope with the Coronavirus Outbreak

I don't want to make it seem like I'm feeling super grateful and happy every hour of the day since the Coronavirus outbreaks started. I miss talking to grad school friends and my students, face-to-face. I miss being able to buy toilet paper without a second thought. And I definitely miss being able to go to the gym - my favorite mental escape. But I'm trying to cultivate as positive a mindset as possible, and like I've shared in this post, I think living with celiac disease - or perhaps any chronic illness - definitely helps with that. Because of celiac disease, I've learned how to be adaptable. How to be transparent about my needs with others and find joy in little moments. (Not to mention that gluten free food doesn't seem to be flying off the shelves as quickly as their gluten-filled counterparts.)

And if you have celiac disease, I hope this post reminds you of ALL the badass skills and swagger your chronic illness has given you - and that you can (and should!) take advantage of those skills during this trying time. So stay safe and healthy, and know I'm sending lots of gluten free love your way! And to help us all get some socialization during social distancing, tell me in the comments how you're doing with the Coronavirus outbreak or what skills celiac disease has taught you! via Blogger https://ift.tt/3bmfLdM

[terabitweb]

Original Post from SC Magazine Author: Bradley Barth

In the film “Ocean’s 11,” Danny Ocean and his team of expert cybercriminals execute a daring casino heist in glitzy Las Vegas.

This past summer at the Black Hat and DEF CON conferences in Sin City, the editorial staff at SC Media attempted to pull off a less ambitious – and decidedly more legal – caper of its own. With far less success.

The job: Complete a full series of video interviews with leading cyber experts, all while riding the world’s largest ferris wheel.

As a bonus, we even invited a pair of wireless researchers from the DEF CON Wireless Village to accompany us on the ride and use their equipment to sniff out whatever devices and signals they could detect along our 360-degree journey.

Our crew was set: one reporter + one cameraman + two wireless researchers + five experts + two PR associates for logistical support = SC’s 11.

As it turned out, Ocean’s 11 would have a much easier time of it.

The first challenge was getting on the ride in the first place, without breaking any rules. Ferris wheel policy didn’t allow professional video cameras, so we steered clear of this problem by filming only with an iPhone. Meanwhile, wireless researchers Rick Falcone and Rick Mellendick inquired in advance to make sure nothing they would bring on board was forbidden and were given a thumbs up that all was well.

Still, it was tempting fate when, for dramatic effect, Mellendick decided to handcuff himself to the protective case carrying his equipment. Surely, even in Vegas, this odd sight would cause a scene once we reached security, wouldn’t it? But after a few curious questions from the guards at the metal detectors, we were sent on our way.

Bradley felt like a big shot when a passerby saw the SC logo on the microphone and asked if he was with SportsCenter. Of course, reporting for SC Media is pretty darn cool too.

The next phase of the plan was to perform four interviews with our five experts (two were a duo who were interviewed together) in 30 minutes of ride time, before we quite literally came full circle. Mission accomplished there – just barely – as we finished our final interview right as it was time to disembark. Feeling victorious, we hurriedly gathered our belongings and stepped out of the cabin.

That’s when we ran into security. And they were not happy.

The woman in charge began interrogating our group, insisting that we should never have been allowed to board the ferris wheel while carrying electronic equipment – especially during DEF CON week. But since we didn’t actually bring any officially prohibited items, she let us pass. But not before making an ominous statement along these lines: “Excuse me, I have to go fire some people.” (We certainly hope no one was actually fired when it appears everyone had followed the rules.)

Whew. That was a close one. But at least we got our footage, right? Well, not exactly. The next morning, we discovered that the audio did not record correctly. Nothing but static. It was the equivalent of the Ocean’s 11 crew escaping the casino with bags of loot, only to find they were filled with Monopoly money.

But we weren’t about to let that stop us. So, nearly three months later, SC Media is finally pleased to present a photo essay of our Las Vegas (mis)adventure, featuring Q&A commentary from our guests, who were kind enough to recreate some of their talking points from the ride.

Who would have thought that a slow, scenic trip on a ferris wheel would turn into such a roller coaster ride?

See our interviews, below:

Sherrod DeGrippo (right), senior director of threat research and detection, Proofpoint.

Our first guest passenger was Sherrod DeGrippo, senior director of threat research and detection at Proofpoint.

SC: Sherrod, during our ferris wheel interview you described some of the recent activity of the cybercriminal threat group TA505, which historically has been associated with the Dridex banking trojan and Locky ransomware. What are the latest developments with this actor?

SD: This summer, we observed TA505 introduce a new downloader malware, AndroMut, which has some similarities in code and behavior to Andromeda, a long-established malware family. Our researchers identified two distinct campaigns by TA505 that used AndroMut to download [the remote access trojan] FlawedAmmyy. These attacks appeared to be targeted carefully by geography and somewhat targeted by industry, especially in Singapore and the UAE, where attacks were dramatically skewed towards financial services organizations.

Our research has followed TA505’s evolution over the last few years from an extremely high-volume actor dealing in global ransomware and banking Trojan campaigns to a targeted actor focused on regional campaigns and malware ranging from downloaders to sophisticated remote access trojans. This group is both adaptable and adept at following the money. They tend to set trends across the malware landscape, so, at this point, it appears that they are adapting to changing conditions based on regional and vertical targeting, as well the types of malware they are distributing. Some of these conditions may relate to cryptocurrency volatility and adaptations of defenders to previous malware strains they distributed en masse.

SC: During the interview, we noted that you are from Georgia, which has been hit repeatedly by ransomware attacks on a local and city level. Please explain why municipalities have become such an appealing target. Also, you mentioned that you may have even been indirectly affected by the SamSam ransomware attack on Altanta. Please explain.

SD: Threat actors recognize that municipalities typically have outdated information security protections and lack the resources necessary to recover quickly from an attack. These factors, along with their broad swath of responsibilities and relatively deep pockets, have made them more attractive targets in recent years. Additionally, ransomware actors look for the best, highest payout potential and focus their efforts there. A municipality has access to funds in excess of what consumer users or most small or medium businesses would have available that they can relatively easily divert to regain access to their systems, making them a lucrative target. 

I was actually pulled over by a police officer in Atlanta during the city’s SamSam ransomware attack. Because the police department’s systems were down, I was let go without a ticket. 

SC: You also mentioned the most paranoid thing you’ve seen someone do to keep secure at Black Hat and DEF CON. Is there such a thing as being too paranoid?

SD: I don’t think there is such a thing as too paranoid. Everyone should take every possible precaution to protect themselves and their digital identities. However, I have seen extreme acts taken at Black Hat/DEF CON that don’t have any impact on security, like tinfoil-wrapping an entire hotel room. That’s probably more for fun than actual security. I’ve seen people handcuff their tech to their wrist. That’s pretty paranoid, but also important if you’re forgetful.

Tyler Moffitt (left), senior threat research analyst, and Jason Davison (center), advanced threat research analyst, Webroot.

As we climbed toward the apex of our ascent, we were joined by a duo from Webroot: Tyler Moffitt, senior threat research analyst, and Jason Davison, advanced threat research analyst.

SC: Last year, the big ransomware threat was GandCrab. That changed following the developers’ supposed retirement. Now there’s a new threat, Sodinokibi, which also uses a ransomware-as-a-service model. Based on your observations, what makes this threat unique and dangerous? And what has led experts to conclude that Sodinokibi was created by GandCrab’s developers? 

TM and JD: GandCrab was one of the most successful RaaS (Ransomware as a Service) operations we’ve seen to date. Due to their success, they [GandCrab’s developers] received attention from researchers and the media alike. It’s not uncommon for successful threat actors who receive a lot of attention to try and start new projects in an attempt remain successful. There are extremely strong ties between Gandcrab and Sodinokibi. We even found an early decryptor binary listed as “gc6” (assumed to be GandCrab 6, since the last known distributed version of GandCrab was version 5.2) in the PDB path. 

SC: You’ve also been following several DNS hijacking campaigns in which malicious actors, perhaps government-sponsored, are altering internet records to reroute website visitors to attacker-controlled sites. Explain how this scheme works and explain why this is such a serious threat to the integrity of the internet’s infrastructure?

TM and JD: DNS is an older, fundamental part of networking that didn’t really account for security too much when it was initially designed. Attacks have been reported targeting mainly government and military organizations in the Middle East and North Africa regions. At a high level, the attack is to manipulate DNS name records to then redirect to hacker-controlled servers. This is critical because attackers are leveraging the trust placed on DNS systems to successfully attack users.

SC: We also talked about DEF CON being famous for hackers trying to hack into everything – elevators, hotel rooms, ATMs, etc. What’s the most unusual device/system hack you’ve researched or witnessed, at DEF CON or elsewhere?

TM and JD: I haven’t seen anything too crazy with my own eyes other than construction signs hacked to say “ZOMBIES AHEAD.” Also, all the speakers at the Bellagio casino were once hijacked to play Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

Dr. Richard Gold (left), director of security engineering, Digital Shadows.

Halfway home! Our next guest was Dr. Richard Gold, director of security engineering at Digital Shadows.

SC: Over the summer, the Senate Intel Committee released volume one of a report detailing Russian interference in the 2016 U.S. elections. You have followed reputed Russian APT actor APT 28/Fancy Bear closely. What were your reactions to the report?

RG: The report really lays out how the Russian intrusion groups took an “offense in depth” approach to their activities; that is, they conducted a very broad campaign against a number of targets using a wide variety of methods. The report goes into detail on the activity around the election infrastructure in a number of states. This is all in addition to the intrusions into the DNC [Democratic National Committee] and the DCCC [Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee] and the misinformation campaigns that have also been attributed to Russian groups. With the 2020 election looming large, the report clearly indicates the need for shoring up the security of any systems around elections and political campaigns.

SC: How great is your concern that Fancy Bear is willing and able to take more extreme measures next year and actually alter voter information (to cause chaos or disqualify certain voters) and/or change vote tallies?

RG: It is certainly possible. However, they had this access in 2016 and they did not use it, indicating that they didn’t need to use this access in order to achieve their goals. That does not mean that they will not use this access in 2020 as the target environment for these groups has changed in the last four years. There is more awareness of the threat posed by foreign interference than there was in 2016 so it may require hostile groups to go further in order to achieve their goals.

SC: You also have closely followed Hidden Cobra/Lazarus Group. During Black Hat, news broke that the reputed North Korean ATP group has collected $2 billion in illegal funds. What has made Lazarus Group so effective and lucrative over the years?

RG: Lazarus/Hidden Cobra are adept at “following the money,” to use a well-known phrase. They have consistently targeted organizations that handle large sums of money but do not necessarily have the same level of security as some more mature organizations. They have targeted cryptocurrency exchanges and financial institutions where the attackers had uncovered security weaknesses. This increased the likelihood that their intrusions would be successful, that they would be able to steal substantial amounts of money, and would be unlikely to be detected.

Ben Seri (left), VP of research, Armis.

Our final on-board guest was Ben Seri, vice president of research at Armis. Ben took us through the Armis team’s discovery of URGENT/11, a series of vulnerabilities found in the real-time operating system (RTOS) VxWorks. More than 2 billion devices operate on VxWorks, about 200 million of which were judged to be affected by the flaws.

SC: Ben, please summarize your URGENT/11 presentation at Black Hat, and the nature of the vulnerabilities you discovered.

BS: At Black Hat, we presented our findings, and did a deep dive on some of the most interesting of the discovered vulnerabilities. Many of the discovered vulnerabilities were found in esoteric features of the TCP and IP protocols, that are rarely used but nevertheless implemented, even in modern TCP/IP stacks. These esoteric features tend to be overlooked by both developers and pen testers, and therefore might end up containing very critical vulnerabilities.

SC: We talked about how vulnerability researchers have largely overlooked real-time operating systems. Why is this the case?

BS: There are a couple of reasons researchers overlook real-time operating systems. First of all, researching RTOSs is challenging – many of these operating systems are closed-source, and not easily debuggable. So to start hunting for vulnerabilities in such systems, a researcher would first need to invest significant time in preparing tools. Other reasons might be the competitive nature of researchers, who are mainly focused on the security of their personal devices – PCs and mobile phones. In addition, researchers have a much greater incentive to search for vulnerabilities in devices of companies that have bug bounty programs, for instance.

SC: I understand that since we last spoke in Vegas, it was determined that other RTOSs are similarly affected by the vulnerabilities because they share the flawed TCP/IP stack component known as IPnet. Please elaborate.

BS: The IPnet TCP/IP stack was indeed a standalone product that was licensed to users of various RTOSs in the past. Armis actually discovered this through the BD Alaris Infusion pump, a widely used Infusion pump that was detected as running the IPnet stack in a hospital environment where the Armis solution is used. The surprising factor was that this device is not based on VxWorks. That fact led us to further investigate the reach of these URGENT/11 [vulnerabilties]. It is surprisingly difficult to determine the OS used by medical devices, and embedded devices in general, let alone the TCP/IP stack that powers the network connectivity function of these devices. A vulnerability in a widespread component, such as the IPnet stack, is a case of a software supply chain vulnerability that unfortunately affects any device or operating system that uses it.

Rick Mellendick (left), chief security officer, PI Achievers, and Rick Farina (right), senior product manager, Aruba, a Hewlett Packard Company.

With our feet firmly planted back on earth, we finally turned to our wireless detectives Rick Mellendick, chief security officer at PI Achievers, and Rick Farina, senior product manager with Aruba, a Hewlett Packard Company. The two Ricks ran this year’s Def Con Wireless Village, and so we had asked them to bring some special equipment aboard the ride to passively – and legally – monitor the local environment for notable device activity. (You might remember them from our 2019 Trolley Talk segment at the RSA conference.)

SC: Explain your point of view of what happened at the end of the ride with ferris wheel security.

RF: The most likely explanation? The manager saw what appeared to be an interview and accosted the people who looked like they were carrying camera equipment. When she realized we didn’t have professional camera equipment, she claimed DEF CON attendees aren’t allowed to bring any electronics, which seems reductio ad absurdum. In truth, their physical security was about what would be expected at most places. We had a briefcase full of stuff, we showed them inside, it wasn’t dangerous or otherwise prohibited, so they let us through (despite the silliness with the handcuffs). Once we were past main security, and we powered up the kit, I am a bit surprised no one cared that Rick and I were tethered together. Again, all of our stuff was already checked, but I would say we behaved sufficiently atypical in a manner that would have easily justified additional scrutiny.

SC: Describe the equipment you brought with you for this particular mission, and what you were looking for.

RF: We brought a hard case full of wireless monitoring equipment; specifically, a small Intel compute stick, four general purpose software-defined radios for looking at different types of standard sensors and wireless remotes, one ADS-B-specific SDR (Software Defined Radio) for tracking airplanes, three Wi-Fi cards for monitoring Wi-Fi traffic, one Bluetooth dongle for monitoring Bluetooth and Bluetooth smart, two 802.15.4 (Zigbee) dongles for monitoring 802.15.4 in 900 MHz and 2.4GHz, and 2 Crazyradio PA dongles for monitoring wireless keyboards and mice. Basically, our goal was to see everything we could easily see passively, specifically using a free open-source tool called Kismet.

SC: Did the height of the ferris wheel present any unique opportunities to capture data? Also, did the ferris wheel present any unique challenges or obstacles that hindered data collection?

RF: The overall design of a ferris wheel does obviously lend a great opportunity for gaining some altitude, which removes the lower height obstructions like buildings and lets us pick up signals from farther away. Being Vegas, however, the pods of the ferris wheel likely use nice expensive low-e glass, which works as a shielding against much of the electromagnetic spectrum, as it is specifically designed to block out things such as infrared light. While these two things balanced out quite a bit, being in an enclosed space that was moving around (a ferris wheel in our case, but it could be a subway or a train or a bus) gave us the unique opportunity to really “get to know” everyone around us. We profiled how many phones we saw, and based on signal strength and duration seen it was obvious who was in the pod with us and who was not. While we only acted passively, there was more than enough time to consider a targeted attack against our fellow ride enthusiasts, which remained purely theoretical. The same thing could easily happen every day on the yellow or blue metro lines in Washington DC, or anywhere else where it may be interesting to profile people via their electronics.

SC: Ultimately, what did you find? Give us some specific examples of interesting observations, and then share with us your total statistics!

RM: We saw seven wireless mice and keyboards, as well as hundreds of active Bluetooth radios (both associated and probing). We saw a typical amount of Wi-Fi, and many other associated signals.

The stats: * 1,496 Bluetooth devices * 1,286 Wi-Fi devices including both clients and access points * two temperature sensors * seven wireless mice and/or keyboards * 65 aircraft

RF: So here’s how I broke it down and my assumptions: Wireless keyboards and mice have a fairly short range. The low-e glass also limits our range.  As such, it’s extremely likely that the wireless keyboards and mice were in use on the [cocktail] bar-equipped ferris wheel cars.

The temperature sensors are also pretty short range typically. We saw one that was an appropriate temperature for a refrigerator, and one that was the current outside temperature. Range is a bit further on these things, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that one was in a refrigerator and one was monitoring outdoor temperature for some monitor system or a sign with the temperature.

SC: Finally, a question for Rick M.: Explain why you handcuffed yourself to the equipment and, since you didn’t have a key, how long did it take to pick yourself out of it?

RF: I’m not Rick M, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say “because it was funny.” It does prevent security from attempting to confiscate things if they don’t like something, but we did unlock the case and show them everything inside before gaining entry. As for the picking, I think it was about 20 seconds for the first cuff and 10 for the second. Don’t let him convince you he did both cuffs in 10 seconds.

RM: The handcuffs were just for show, and to be different. It forced questions, and allowed for us to possibly have some teaching moments. If we just had backpacks, no one would have asked much of anything. And I think Rick’s estimation of the time to get out is a bit high, but it was very quick and during a discussion, while talking to a colleague.

* Q&A responses were minimally edited for content and clarity.

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Go to Source Author: Bradley Barth We interviewed leading cyber experts on the world’s tallest ferris wheel. Then security showed up. Original Post from SC Magazine Author: Bradley Barth In the film “Ocean’s 11,” Danny Ocean and his team of expert cybercriminals execute a daring casino…

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1/14/17, 5:41am - can’t sleep

too much stuff on my mind. and a bit of a headache. I know I said I’d quit this thing, but I can’t. but as far as I’m concerned, if I’m going to cop out of that I’m at least going to swear off the kiss-and-tell braggadocio though. And tone down the negative vibe. 

This aboutta be some feelgood shit up in here. 

I mean not everything’s going great. To be totally honest I still have literally no idea how this financial situation is going to work out. But I’m sure it will.

But my friends have been so good to me. I love them all so much.

Need to start with the excellent gourmet kingdom dinner that I went out to with the smash fam on wednesday. Lucas, Corey, Dylan, Patricio, Clem, Jwilli, Spencer all treated me. Fuck I hope I’m not forgetting someone lmao. I know I’m forgetting like one or two mofukkas. I wasn’t going to go ofc, but since I wasn’t going to go because money was tight they offered to pay for my meal and I reluctantly accepted.  [as much as i’d do it for anyone, I still feel a little bothered accepting these kinds of gifts from my friends. I don’t really feel like I can’t take care of myself or something, I just feel like I... shouldn’t. Because if I can’t plan on coming out of my own financial problems how can I plan on paying them back and how can I accept a gift in the first place then?]

Thursday I got to team with Ian, and it was some of the most fun I’ve ever had playing in tournament. We DOMINATED the winners bracket of that tournament. only lost one game and had some of the filthiest combos I’ve ever seen in my life. Just got cold waiting for grands and didn’t play as well. Was so much fun though, really made me happy to have poured so much time into practicing. Just gotta keep doing better.

After the tournament a whole ton of people came over to my place to play for the night. Can’t even get into it but it was great. in all I played from 4pm until 6am and only stopped because I got a splitting headache and felt like I was going to die finally hahahah... Probably should have gotten some dinner or somethnig lmao.

I was supposed to try to play with Kevin today, but instead I spent the day with Weilin. Him and a few people had crashed at my place, so we went on a mini road trip to take Decker back to greensboro. We spent a little time trying to get his phone fixed, spent some time trying to find me new pants, ate some delicious gyros and had a long car talk about hentai and the pursuit of happiness and financial goals and life and melee and everything, man. So glad that happened. 

We met up with Arun, Arvind, Irene, and Broscious to eat at Bali Hai and do an escape room out at durham. Got a huge ass plate of meat thanks to weilin covering for me, and had a great time solving the 90′s themed puzzles with the gang. We tore it up, too. Only got stumped by a cd in a book and a madonna song hahaha. Those guys are all some smart motherfuckers, I’ll tell ya whattt. And while we waited for this safe to unlock me and Broscious got to slam down some Pogs and mostly just slap them around on a table hahahahaha. I was supposed to go to a party tonight that my old pokemon go team was throwing to celebrate Kelly turning level 40, but there was no way I was gonna pull myself away from those guys for anything. We spent a couple hours playing board games and talking/gossipping/catching up and getting cookout. Excited as fuck to do it again tomorrow.

But the real reason I’m writing this post is because Irene wanted us to do this neat little thing that was admittedly a little lame but amazingly feelgood and really made me happy. I think she called it a compliment circle, where we all had to think of at least a compliment for each other, and we took turns doing whatever the opposite of a roast is. I really don’t want to forget any of the things that they said, because it’s not often that people go out of their way to give you honest totally-for-nothing compliments, yknow? They’re not verbatim because my short term memory sucks, but I’ll do my best here.

“You’re the best.” “you have a beautiful smile and jaw structure and face and eyes and you’re just a great looking dude and if I were a chick I’d date you and if you were a chick I’d date you, and if we both were chicks I’d date you.” “it seems like you always have a lot of things messing with your life, but despite that you’re always a great person to be around. you never seem to let things get to you and you always have a smile on your face and you’re never a downer.” “you do a lot of things for your friends and the melee community and just people in general. you never really seem to expect anything in return and I don’t think that gets brought up much.” “You make me push myself to be better.” “I like your nose” (weird. broscious, you don’t read my blog, do you??) “you’ve got a really warm personality and do a really great job of including everyone when you try to talk to them and like in the puzzle room.” “You’re always there for me, even at times when nobody else was.”

goddamn, man. I don’t even care if it’s narcissistic to put those down here. I have to put them Somewhere. Literally shed a tear writing them down, I feel so good about all that shit. It really couldn’t have come at a better time with everything hitting the fan and all of my self image issues recently. Maybe they knew that. 

What I didn’t think to tell them then was that it’s friends like them and everyone I hung out this week and everyone in my life that cares about me still that make my life so happy in the first place. It’s like... when I finally get to be in a room with people I know and can enjoy their company it’s like all the bullshit that exists outside just isn’t important anymore. Relaxing by talking and playing games is so fucking wonderful.

Speaking of my issues again, might as well follow up on new years goals and self improvement stuff.

Feeling much better about my teeth. Got my cavities filled (I had fucking TEN), got my teeth cleaned for the first time in years, I’ve finally got this image out of my head that my crowned tooth looks dead. Forreal, idk if it was the cleaning, or just talking to the dentist about whether they think it matches and then thinking about it, or what the deal is, but I Swear ever since I decided it wasn’t worth having my crown replaced again it’s looked better. Matches color better and more consistently, doesn’t look off balanced, I just look good. I really want to blame it on the cleaning but maybe it really was just a mental thing... Idk. I’m just happy my teeth are finally healthy, holy shit thinking about my mouth too hard the past couple years has been horrifying. Right now my gums hurt because I flossed for the first time in forever. Might be why I can’t sleep, but starting good habits.

Don’t know what’s up with my weight, haven’t been keeping track of that yet.

Have been doing Great about drinking water. Have only drank soda on a few occasions at all, back to living on powdered lemonade like I said I would. Probably should still be drinking more, but off to a great start. Still haven’t been on reddit since the new year (though I don’t think I wrote this resolution down), but still passively start to type it in the search bar sometimes. Shit’s difficult. Progress on my septum is put on hold for now, family doctor is waiting to refer me until I have a followup visit with them about my lab work. Supposedly I had “small red blood cells” so like either dehydration or anemia. Probably both lolll. Hopefully not something more serious, but who knows. Been taking a multivitamin daily. Been spending less money lmaoooo.  Haven’t been cooking for myself the past few days but DID start doing that finally. Just gotta keep it up.  Still no good on exercise. Still haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes. Smoking a lot of that pipe tobacco, but it definitely doesn’t make me feel cravings like cigs do. Pretty great there.  Started goofing around on tinder again just to get that out of the way. Got a few matches, but I’ve been sandbagging this game really hard lol. e.g. I’ve been a lottt more picky about who I swipe, way too detailed about how nerdy I am in my profile, and not playing with it all that much tbh. I.e. doing all the things that are probably healthier dating habits but are def not anything close to how you need to play tinder to be successful from what I’ve ever experienced. That being said I’ve already partially rediscovered my hatred for it and think it’s a waste of time, but whatever. Not entirely motivated to meet new people right now anyway, so even if I’m not exactly happy to be swiping through a couple dozen people without matching I’m definitely not let down either. It just doesn’t feel like the right time for me, and also I totally wouldn’t have money for dates now that I think about it lmaoo. Last thing I’m gonna mention is that I haven’t been fucking with my fingers nearly as much. Just lost my week-or-so streak I was on, fidgeting in the car today, but def doing a lot better.

Everything’s doing a lot better. I’m still totally fucked, but I feel pretty great and I’m doing pretty great and everything’s going to be even more great soon enough.

#pogchamp [6:52am. never gonna sleep oh god rip hahaha]