#i’ve been fixated on this song specifically

[fridays13th]

YOU SAY MOVE A MOUNTAIN AND I’LL THROW ON MY BOOTS! YOU SAY STOP THE RIVER FROM RUNNIN, I’LL BUILD A DAM OR TWOOOO YOU SAY CHANGE RELIGIONS NOW I SPEND SUNDAYS WITH YOUUUU SOMETHIN BOUT THOSE TEARS OF YOURS, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ADOREDDDDDDDDDD

[branches-of-time]

not me laying here in bed at 5:59am listening to Francesca on loop and full-on crying about how much i love Venti

[prozach27]

.

[milksockets]

why scan?

scanning is something i've done for probably about 12 years now (i'm ancient, for this site), with varying degrees of regularity, intensity, etc. it has ratcheted up since the dawn of 2023, though, which begs the question: why? why put so much time into what could not-wrongly be considered a passive activity, hunched over a piece of clunky machinery with the express purpose of preserving others' creations? the answers are several, and fascinating (not really).

i am a [sober] drug addict. anything i pursue, consume, create--more often than not--ends up taking on addictive qualities. i'll eat the same specific food item for a month, then never want to see, let alone taste it, again. i'll listen to one song on repeat for days until i'd rather hear nails on a chalkboard than have it shuffle on and assault my ears. one of the reasons that my scanning has increased in volume recently is that i acquired library cards to the 3 nyc library systems: nypl, brooklyn, and queens. as soon as i was able to, i pillaged + plundered those fine centers of learning, leaving any given library with as many hefty scan-worthy books as i could [barely] carry. here, finally, was a *free* way of obtaining more + more + more visual media to consume.

2023 saw me get my first legal, full-time job. as such, my adjusting to that hellish reality resulted in a steep decline in my own personal creative output. collaging, writing, and rapping all fell to the wayside as i slowly acclimated to a life of work that almost everyone else my age has known for over a decade is generally unbearable + detrimental to the maintenance of outside pursuits. in times of famine within my own artistic harvest, scanning, archiving, and sharing others' work is a means of feeling as though i am still contributing to the global oeuvre.

there’s an element of losing my mental self in a series of physical motions that becomes almost automatic after some time. “zoning out” is not something endemic to my daily life; if anything, i’m almost always too zoned in. relief is necessary.  especially considering the shitshow this past year has been in terms of my personal life.

i am a product of capitalism’s cultivating a craving for constant consumption. 

it seems that visual content is only going to continue to get more + more uninspired. has everything been done? did social media ruin it all? in any case, i feel a need to document the past. to a degree, it’s my version of doomsday prepping. (god forbid books go extinct altogether.) 

i have always gravitated towards solitary activities. this topic could be a thesis in its own right.

i thrive on external validation. this reliance is something i’ve improved upon over the past several years, but it hasn’t been altogether extinguished. even though the materials i scan are not of my own creation, i nevertheless feel a vague pride in showcasing them. occasional appreciation thereof satisfies this fixation on others’ attention, albeit in a diluted form. 

i am fortunate to live in a city bursting to the gills with cultural institutions. i am also lucky enough to have some disposable income that can be directed toward fulfilling my ravenous desire for visual media. 

((i keep getting messages about the specifics of my scanner + "process":

i have a cheap ass hp envy 6055e and i just use the software it comes with.

there's nothing special or fancy happening here, and i could definitely invest in a better and/or a large format scanner, etc. but i really just don't care enough and it's not like i'm getting paid for this lmao))

[xrstuve]

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU | abby anderson x fem! reader !

⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄

⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄

notes : this is a part2 for sweet treats!! dedicated specially to @luciaiellieswife for requesting another part :)) hope you enjoy this!! made this with lots of love <33

also, you don’t have to read pt1 to undertsand pt2!!

recommendation! : i’ve been listening a lot to the beatles lately, and i rlly recommend the song “something” for this specific fic!!

₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿ ✧ ₊˚

after a night of chasing each other around, getting messy and even ending up burning the cake, you found yourselves cuddling in the couch, only the faint sound of the tv could be heard in the background.

you shifted your body upwards, laying your head on top of abby's chest, in attempt of getting closer to her. abby had her arms draped over your figure as she caressed your waist, her fingers moving in a circular motion underneath the hem of your top.

you could feel your tired eyes itching to shut after hauling around the exhaustion of a crazy day, yawning as you felt abby shift her gaze from the tv to you, a small smile playing on her lips.

"you sleepy, baby?" she takes a strand of hair out of your face, her eyes lingering on yours. "i can take you to bed if ya want?" she says, her full attention directed towards you as you turn your body around, arms wrapping around her neck while you hum softly.

"mhm, i'm getting pretty sleepy already" your voice barely audible, making abby let out a small chuckle, taking in how adorable you looked all droopy eyed, the television light enhancing your features.

"okay angel, c'mere" abby said as she made her way out of the sofa, lending you a hand so you could sit up. she turned the tv off and turned back at you, chuckling as she saw you with your arms raised up, waiting to be carried. she wrapped her arms around your legs, while yours tangled on her neck, placing your head on the crook of her neck while abby adjusted herself, carrying you in bridal style all the way to your shared bedroom.

she softly placed your body on the mattress as you rolled over, placing your head on the headrest, waiting for abby to finish changing. she swiftly took off her grey hoodie, the small action exposing her lower back as her toned arms were in full display. you couldn't help but gawk at how good she looked.

taking in each move, your eyes still remained fixated on her figure while she took off her pants, leaving her in a tank top and some boxers. she slowly turned around, not long until she catches you staring at her, she sends you a sly smirk.

"liking what you see princess?" you just nod your head, too sleepy to even respond with a coherent sentence. abby took note of this as she approached you, sitting herself down next to you. "up" she said, signaling for you to raise your arms up as her fingers grazed over the end of your shirt, lifting it over your head as she helped you change into your pajamas.

her hands made their way to your bra, unclasping the material while she helped you take it off. her hands moved around your body so delicately, peppering soft kisses on your shoulders and whispering sweet nothings to you while you just hummed contently.

right after finishing with you, abby made her way to the bathroom. all you could hear was the faint sound of the faucet being turned on, accompanied by some rustling. abby came back with a damp towel on her hands, as she kneeled in front of you.

"c'mere baby, lemme clean you up" she placed her hand on the bottom of your chin, tilting your head upwards as she placed the warm towel on your face, cleaning up the leftover makeup that still remained as you let your eyelids flutter shut, sinking in the warm feeling.

"mhm.. all done" she says proudly as she presses a sweet kiss to your forehead, taking a hold of your hand as she guides you to the bathroom. you lean your body against the sink, grabbing your toothbrush and gently brushing it against your teeth as you leisurely combed your hair.

after finishing your nightly routine, you and abby make your way back to your shared bed, getting comfy under the covers as you move your body closer to her, being engulfed by none other than her strong arms, getting a hold of your waist and pulling you closer to her.

abby's tender kisses danced delicately along your jawline and all the way up to your ear, eliciting a soft giggle from you due to the ticklish sensation. your hands instinctively found her neck, drawing her nearer until your foreheads met in an intimate embrace, exchanging shy smiles like secrets shared in moonlit whispers.

"i love you" you whisper, those three words you yearned so much to tell her ever so often, rolling off your tongue so sweetly. you press your lips to her cheek, while your fingers drew tiny shapes on the nape of her neck, tangling along with her blonde locks.

abby averted her gaze from your lips to your eyes, sending you a soft expression as you continued to confess your love for her.

"thank you for always taking such good care of me." you smile, and abby couldn't help but feel her lips reciprocate, tugging upwards into a wide smile. she leaned even closer (if that were even possible) and rested her nose against yours, her eyelids fluttering open to look at you.

"i love you too baby." she whispered back, not loosing a single moment of eye contact with you. " .. and i'll always make sure you remember that." you could feel her determination marked on her words, everything she said always felt so heartfelt, intimate and full of meaning.

you could not express how lucky you were to have her. something about her tender care left you breathless, making you feel butterflies flutter in your stomach that were unable to get rid no matter how hard you tried. i guess that's just how it felt to be so deeply in love. the same feeling like a teenage boy falling in love for the first time, enveloped in the euphoria of being utterly and irrevocably enamored.

₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿ ✧ ₊˚

hi hi!! it’s been a while since i’ve been active on here 😭 school has me all over the place that i’ve barely had time for anything honestly. but i’ve finally finished my finals!! so i’ll be writing wayy more often now hehe 💗 more stuff coming soon, so stay tuned!! 🫶

[notaplaceofhonour]

I was raised in the People of Destiny cult (later renamed, and more well-known as, Sovereign Grace Ministries, now Sovereign Grace Churches).

The valorization of martyrdom and The End Times was so ubiquitous it was ambient noise. We stood in the church lobby theorizing about who the antichrist would be, we argued about whether Jesus would rapture us all before, after, or during the Tribulation Period where Satan would be given free reign over the earth. There was a strong Christian Zionist fixation on Israel as the final battleground and capital of the coming Messianic Age. But the one thing we were all certain of was is that we were in the End Times, that we were not of this world and couldn’t get too attached to our lives here.

We were raised to believe our sin nature made us undeserving of life, that we deserved death and eternal conscious torture.

My parents read us the Jesus Freaks books (a series by Christian Rap group DC Talk about martyrs). I spent “devotional time” reading Fox’s Book of Martyrs. We had guest speakers from Voice of the Martyrs, their pamphlets were often stocked in our church’s information center. We grew up with our dad listening to right wing talk radio and making us listen to songs about how the Godless atheists were outlawing Christianity in America, that we could all become martyrs soon.

The group’s theology was damaging & traumatic in a lot of other ways that contributed to the suicidality I have continued to struggle with for the rest of my life. For a long time I did not believe I would live past 20. There are times when the idea of giving my death meaning by using public suicide to make a political statement has appealed to me.

So now, seeing so many social media posts glorifying the suicide of a US Airman this week, I have been furious. Reading his social media posts, I recognize so much about the way I was raised in his all-or-nothing, black-or-white mindset, the valorization of death-seeking & martyrdom, and the apocalyptic fire-and-brimstone imagery of self-immolation. The moment I saw people I followed celebrating his self-immolation, I said to myself “this feels like a cult”

So when I learned he was raised in a cult too, nothing could have made more sense to me. His political orientation may have changed, but his mindset did not—it was no less extreme or cult-like.

I’ve talked about so many of the reasons this response from the broader left scares me, including how it’s laundering that airman’s antisemitic beliefs, but I cannot think of anything that would hit me in a more personal place than this specific response to this specific situation has.

When I see the images, I think: that could have been me. That scares me, and what scares me more is that so many prominent people are overwhelmingly sending the message to people like me that there is nothing else we can do that would have a more meaningful impact than killing ourselves for the cause.

I do not believe that. I will not even entertain it. And having to see his death over and over and over again, to argue against people who are treating this like an intellectual/moral exercise or a valid debate we all have to consider has been immensely triggering and fills me with a rage I rarely feel. It’s unconscionable that we are even putting self-harm on the table, and that pushing back against that is somehow controversial.

There is hope. Our lives do have meaning. There are far more effective means of fighting injustice. And the world is a better place for having you in it. Don’t fall into believing this is a way to give life purpose.

[bunnieswithknives]

Uh hey so I’m autistic and I’ve been really hyper fixated on fop more specifically dev, my special interest is music and that got me wondering if you associate any songs with dev from your au /genq

-🦇

Loved by FEiN

Trust Fund by Titanic Sinclair

Scum by Lovejoy

Father by The Front Bottoms (at least the first part lol)

Be Nice To Me by The Front Bottoms

Rät by Penelope Scott

[berry-potchy]

what’s so funny is that I never really liked yandere/obsessive character x reader because it was either out of character for them or just to dark/weird

But something about Miguel has made me just go absolutely feral over it. Obsessed Miguel in the way that he is always watching you on cams, stroking his poor neglected cock as he just listens to your voice :(

He tries not to push you away and hides his obsession but when he overhears a conversation with you and someone else about your little workplace crush he loses it.

I’ve never been to fond of the murdering obsessive character- but Miguel constantly watching your every move just does something to me carnally.

I GET YOU! I get you 100% I'm not a yandere girl either but when I tell you Miguel O'Hara changed my brain chemistry. Whatever he wants, I'm into it.

I love Miguel with a lot little obsession. He has cameras everywhere so it just makes sense that he'd have cameras on you. You can bet they are recording your every move. Oh it would start out as just a little curiosity, just regular monitoring. However, Miguel got curious about you. You caught his attention and it's just a downward spiral from there. You don't know you doing some unintentional things that turn him on. Maybe you keep putting the tips of your pens in your mouth or biting your thumb. Or messily eating your food and licking you fingers oh-so lewdly. Miguel is so soooo frustrated with how much of a tease you are. He can't stop watching you. Those lips are so plump and pretty. They'd look so good wrapped around his cock. He thinks you'd love that. He'll always keep your pretty mouth occupied to satisfy that little oral fixation of yours.

And your voice god. So perfect. He'd specifically ask you to report to him whenever you come back from a mission. Doesn't matter if you had other teammates who are willing to report instead. He wants you to do all the talking. He loves listening to your voice especially when you say his name. Even better if you have an accent oh-- Miguel is enthralled. When he's working late at night (which is always), he'd have to use your voice as a little background noise. He loves hearing you talk to yourself, or if you have a pet, and when you sing when you think no one is listening. When you start singing some very spicy suggestive songs, Miguel's thoughts go all over the places. Is that what you like? Is that what you want him to do? He'd be gripping his cock as you keep singing. He's hard again even after already cumming.

And if he finds out you have a crush on someone??? Oh he'll make Lyla scour through all the data to find out who the person is. You keep being vague about your crush when you talk about them. Miguel just wants to know. He'll make sure to separate you from them as much as possible. Of course we know the crush is him and he would have known if he just masturbated less to your voice and realized how much your tone shifts when talking to him. Only him.

Of course, he tries to hide all this umm... not-stalking stalking from you. Tries to act like he doesn't monitor you all day. He asks you how your day has been even though he knew you were in your bed all day until you decided to show up at the HQ. And of course, you were none the wiser and just talks to him as usual.

-💖

[musings-of-a-rose]

Pairing: Benny Miller x ofc "Lily Morales" (21 year old daughter of Frankie Morales)

Word Count: 9000+

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story. 

Notes: Listen, I’ve had this in my head for a long time and I just had to get it out. I know the dbf trope may be overdone, and it’s not a trope I normally read, but I just…they kept talking and I had to get it out. Sometimes the fic writes you. Thanks to @mermaidxatxheart for reading this over and helping me get unstuck. And to @avengers-fixation and @rayslittlekitten for also beta reading and giving me some excellent feedback to help this take a better shape!

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**Reader is not described

Main Masterlist

Benny Miller Masterlist

"What do you want to do for your birthday, mija?" 

I shrug, popping another blueberry in my mouth. "I don't know. Wanna order pizza and watch a movie?"

My dad gives me a look, pointing his fork at me. "Is that what you want to do?"

I don't know. What do 21 year olds want to do besides get shit faced on their 21st? 

"I don't know, dad."

"I think you should go out with your friends."

"Are you really telling me I should go get shit faced on my birthday?"

He chuckles. "No, but you're turning 21. You don't wanna hang out with your old man."

"I always want to hang out with you."

"I love you too, but you're young. You should hang out with your friends."

"I'm fine here with you, dad."

"Look," he sighs and sets his spoon down, looking at me. "Be safe, call me if you need me to come get you or something, but go out. Be 21." 

He won't let up, I can see it in his eyes. "If it means so much to you, I'll go out."

—----

God, I'm bored. My friends all squealed when I finally caved in and said we could go out drinking for my birthday. They picked me up and brought me to a bar, claiming a booth on the side. They had me place the order for drinks, my first at 21, and then paid, splitting the bill amongst themselves. But while I nursed a drink, they kept slamming them back, getting increasingly more drunk. Eventually, they all got up and hobbled onto the dance floor. Well, not an official dance floor, more like a space they drunkenly cleared out while putting on songs on the ancient jukebox in the corner. Some other patrons joined in and soon there was a small group of men around them, laughing and swaying along while I stayed seated at our table. 

"You look bored as fuck, Lil."

—----

Benny:

This week had been rough. Hell, this whole month had been rough. Another girl that just wanted to use him for a fun time had come and gone, leaving Benny feeling a little more than hollow. They never stay long, always wanting his fun side. If he let down his mask for just a moment, showing them all of him, they run. It hurts but if he's being honest with himself, none of them felt right. Like they were placeholders, just someone to pass the time with. Or distract him from the girl he really likes, the one he can't have. 

He takes another swig from his beer, the one he'd been nursing for a while when this large group of about 10 college aged girls comes in the bar, squealing and talking loudly. They make a big deal of securing a booth, practically yelling about how it's someone's birthday. And then, he sees her. 

Lily, his Lily being shoved forward from the group of girls, her short, pleated skirt fanning out as they tell her to go order drinks and they'll pay. When did the feelings for her start? His mind goes back to a specific moment, a BBQ at Frankie's, when Lily was nearly 20. She was walking past the pool, fully clothed and slipped in, a little yelp leaving her just before the splash. But before anyone could move, she was pushing to the surface, makeup sliding down her face and she was laughing, her head tilted back as she made her way to the edge and Frankie pulled her out. Her clothes were soaked, hair sticking to her forehead, mascara covering her cheeks along with the purple eye shadow she had been wearing. Most girls would've flipped out, cried and screamed and gotten angry, but not Lily. She made some quip about not seeing the pool there and then she looked at him as he laughed, her eyes lit up not with embarrassment, but something else that Benny couldn't quite place. But now he saw her in a whole new light. Lily. His Lily. 

Wait, not his Lily. She can't ever be his Lily because she is Lily Morales, Fish's daughter. He couldn't do that to his friend. 13 years isnt too bad of a gap but Fish's daughter? She's too smart for him, too creative, too good. She wouldn't want his old PTSD ass anyway. 

He watches her bring the drinks back and pass them out, her friends pounding them back as Lily takes small, infrequent sips from the glass she's holding, her smile dropping lower and lower as her friends get more and more drunk. 

God, she's beautiful. Her dark brown hair frames her face, loose waves cascading past her shoulders, her shirt hugging her tits the right way and Benny shifts in his seat as his mind wanders, eyes roaming over her body. She can't see him anyway, what would it hurt? 

But as the night continues on, he sees her friends get up, forming a makeshift dance floor, some other young college guys coming to join them. But not Lily. She doesn't join her friends, opting to stay back and take another slow sip from her drink, her fingers drawing a mindless pattern in the condensation on her cup. 

He takes a deep breath, drinking the last swig from his beer as he stands. He won't have her looking so sad on her birthday. He must put a smile on her face. Benny strides over to her, pushing through the crowd. 

"You look bored as fuck, Lil."

Her eyes go wide, her cheeks flushing as she looks up at him, a smile appearing on her face. Surely that's not just for him. She can't possibly feel the same way. Can she? No, she's Fish's daughter. Cut it out, Benny. 

But he can't stop himself from sliding into the seat next to her, hoping like hell she doesn't spot his half hard boner from her thigh barely touching his jean clad one. 

When he looks at her, he knows why other women haven't worked out for him. Because she is the one he wants. And the one he simply cannot have. 

—----

My body springs to life as his voice washes over me, my eyes looking up into his bright blue ones, the ones that I see in my dreams. My cheeks warm and it's not from the half a drink I've had. It's from the fact I've been in love with this man for years. 

"Benny!"

He smiles at me, his eyes crinkling slightly at the sides and my stomach lurches. He waves his hands, silently telling me to scooch over. I do and he sits next to me, his thigh nearly pressing into mine. He leans in close, speaking into my ear as the girls have turned the music up way too loud. 

"Happy birthday!"

"You remembered?"

He's so close, his face inches from mine, his eyes boring into me. "Of course I remember. You're one of my favorite people." 

God I hope he can't hear my heart pounding through my chest. 

"But why are you sitting here by yourself? Shouldn't you be out there?" He points his thumb over his shoulder towards my group of friends, who have now mingled with a group of college boys, all grinding on each other. 

"Hard pass."

"You mean, grinding up against sweaty young men isn't your thing?" His eyes light up with laughter.

I shake my head. "I like older men." Shit, did I just say that? He looks at me, a curious look in his eyes.

"I doubt they'd be able to keep up with you."

"I think one might."

"Sounds like you have someone in mind."

"Maybe I do." Shut up, Lily!

Before he can reply, a loud whoop sounds from the dancing throng and we both look as one of the drunk men try to impress my friend by doing the worm. Benny leans in to me again, his scent filling up my nose and suddenly I'm feeling warm between my legs. 

"I'm hungry. Wanna get out of here and get a burger or something?"

"God, yes. Please save me."

He smiles, sliding out of the booth and extends his arm to me as I get up. I take it, my skin tingling as it brushes against his, feeling his muscles constrict as he guides me through the crowd and out of the bar. I catch my friends eye as I walk past them and nod my head towards Benny, telling her silently I was going with him. She gives me a wink and thumbs up before making a lude gesture that I'm glad Benny misses. I expect him to drop my arm when we're outside, but he doesn't. Instead, he looks down at me, towering over me. 

"Did you drive or?"

"What? Oh, no. Ironically, I was not the designated driver. Don't worry, we took Ubers."

He chuckles. "Smart. Alright, my jeep is around the back. I've only had one beer, is that ok?"

"You're asking me?"

"Yeah. I mean, I'm fine to drive but whatever you're comfortable with."

"I trust you." Am I seeing things or is he blushing? 

He guides me to his jeep, opening the door and helping me inside. He drives us across town to a little diner we've been to before, although it's never been just the two of us. Usually my dad or Benny's brother Will is with us. We sit and order giant burgers and a plate of fries to share, and a couple slices of what Benny calls "birthday pie" that we eat first. 

"So why did you agree to go out with those friends if all they did was ditch you?"

I chuckle. "I blame my dad. He made me."

"Fish wanted you to go out drinking?"

"He said I should "go out and be 21". I told him I just wanted a pizza and a movie with him."

"Why didn't you tell me you wanted pizza? We could've gone to get pizza."

"No, this is perfect, really." My hand covers his on the table and I see just how small it is in comparison to Benny's and I swallow hard. "Thank you, really. You saved me."

Benny asks a zillion more questions as we eat, always interested to hear my opinion on things. I've never had a man be this interested in what I had to say, almost as if… there's no way he could feel the same for me, right? I know there's an age gap, but it's only 13 years..

He links his arm with mine again as we make our way back to his Jeep, helping me in before coming around and climbing in himself. 

"I'll take you home."

"No!" Oh shit, did I yell that? I don't want this night to end so soon. Not when I have an excuse for it to just be us.

His eyebrows are raised. "No?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be loud. I uh.. I mean no. My dad expects me to be home late or crash at a friend's. If I come home now, he'll think it's weird."

"I don't think he'd mind you coming home early. Then he knows you're not out causing trouble."

"Please Benny?" I hesitate a moment before reaching out to place my hand on his arm, squeezing it a little. "Can we… I don't know.. just go back to your place and hang for a bit?" His skin is warm under my palm and I feel him shift slightly in his seat, eyes fixed on the road before he glances sideways at me.

“You’d really want to hang out with an old man like me?"

“You’re not old.” I sit back, reluctantly pulling my hand from his arm. “Besides, didn’t we establish that I like older men?” What the fuck is wrong with you, Lily?

He shifts in his seat again and clears his throat, fighting back a smile. “Have anything in mind?”

“We could watch a movie?”

“Alright, you talked me into it. But only because it’s your birthday.” He smiles before reaching over and poking me in the side. I flinch back, a giggle erupting from the back of my throat. “Oh, you’re ticklish?”

“I don’t like the look on your face, Benjamin.”

He’s smiling wide. “No look. Just tucking that information away for later.”

We pull up to his place and get out. I follow him up to his front door, my eyes taking in his broad shoulders, beefy arms, and tight ass. He's so tall, much taller than me. I'd love to climb him like a tree…

Heading inside, I kick my shoes off and leave them by the door, hanging my purse on one of the coat rack hooks. I follow him into the living area. He gestures to the couch and I sit, Benny sitting at the opposite end from me. 

"Want something to drink?" He asks and it may be my imagination, but he sounds nervous.

"S-sure." Way to sound smooth, Lily. 

"Beer ok? I think I have water somewhere."

"Beer will be fine. Thanks."

"You got it. Can't believe I can officially give you this now." He disappears into his kitchen and remerges with 2 bottles of beer, popping open the top and handing it to me. He holds up his bottle to mine and we clink them together. 

"Here's to a birthday!" He says and smiles, taking a swig when I do. 

"It's certainly been one of those."

We flip through the channels, stopping on some trash reality TV to make fun of them, cracking up at the stupidity of the show. We've had a couple of beers by now and I'm not drunk by any means, but definitely warm and I feel myself loosening up as I become more comfortable around him, passing quips back and forth.

"I don't know why she's picking Jason when clearly Porter is the better choice."

"What?" I say, shocked. "You can't mean that. Have you looked at Porter?"

Benny squints at the tv. "Yes?"

"Need your glasses, old man?" 

"Be careful. You don't wanna poke the old man."

I scoff playfully, smirking. "Maybe I do."

In one swift move, Benny sits up, putting his bottle on the coffee table before he turns to me, his eyes full of mischief. He lunges for me but I jumped up, somehow missing his grip and I smirk, turning towards him. 

"You'll have to be faster than that, old man." He tries to get up and I run, trying to move around the back of the couch, but somehow he's there, leaning over the back, his strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me back over the couch as I scream. He pushes me back down onto the couch, his large form hovering over me as his fingers dig into my sides. I squirm under him, unable to do anything but squeal with laughter as I writhe about. But the mood changes suddenly, his fingers slowing as he looks down at me, his blue eyes dragging down my face to my lips. I can feel him pressing into me between my legs and heat rushes there to meet him. He leans closer, our lips almost touching, but then he's pulling back and I can't take it. We were so close, I can't go back to how it was, not knowing that he wants this as much as I do but is stopping himself, denying him and me a chance at happiness. 

My fingers grasp at his shirt, tugging to get him to look at me. When he does, his eyes are wide, a combination of lust and conflict behind them. My finger traces his cheek and I decide to go for it, leaning up while lightly pulling him towards me with the tip of my finger. His lips are nearly on mine, his breath fanning out over my face, but he stops. 

"We can't, Lil."

I nod. "We can." I feel him grow harder against me and it's all I can do to not moan, the weight of him grounding me to this moment. He still doesn't move. 

"I don't want to take advantage."

"You're not. I'm sober."

His lips are so close to mine, his breath filling my own as my lips remain slightly parted waiting for him. 

"He'd kill me."

"I'll protect you."

"Lil," he whispers, his breath heating my lips.

"Ben." I touch my lips to his and oh, his are so soft and warm, tasting slightly like the beer he'd had earlier. He doesn't move for a second and maybe I've pushed him too far. His lips move above mine, responding to my gentle touch with a more heated one, a slight moan at the back of his throat as he glides his tongue into my slightly parted lips. A small groan comes from my chest in return and I hum into his kiss, deepening it as Benny presses on with more urgency, my legs wrapping around him, squeezing him slightly. 

His hands are on my face, pushing my hair out of it as a large hand engulfs the side of my face and neck, holding my chin in place as he kisses me deeper, pressing into me harder, his hips slightly grinding of their own accord. Then he breaks the kiss, leaning up to reach over his shoulder, gripping the back of his shirt as he pulls it over his head, tossing it on the coffee table. I've seen him shirtless before of course, but this is different. A patch of hair is nestled between his pecks, soft but strong muscles flexing as he holds himself up, a small trail of hair disappearing beneath his pants. Fuck do I want to see where that goes. I scramble to grip the bottom of my shirt, lifting slightly as I twist my body to take it off, Benny's hand coming to help. My shirt joins his, Benny's fingers sliding around my back to take off my bra, tossing that on the table too. His eyes dip to my chest and they look hungry. 

"Fuck, look at you, Lil." 

Before I can reply, he leans back down, pressing his chest to mine as he kisses me again, his warm skin so soft against mine. He feels so good, comforting, grounding, I can hardly believe I'm here. He kisses a path down my neck, pausing to suck one of my nipples in his mouth. I whimper, my back arching off the couch towards him, my fingers automatically coming up to tangle in his golden hair. 

"How do you want it?"

"Wh-what?" Is all I can manage as he starts to lick at my same nipple. 

"Do you have any favorite positions? Any you hate?"

"I don't know."

He chucks into my skin. "Should I give you a moment to think?"

I shake my head. "I really don't know. I've never done this before."

Benny drops my boob with a plop, pushing himself up so fast it makes my head spin. "What do you mean you haven't done this before?"

I know I'm blushing under his gaze. "I mean… I haven't.. I just… I've never…" I gesture between us.

"Be clear."

"I'm a virgin, ok?" I'm not that embarrassed, but everyone I know has had sex long before me. I just never felt the desire to. Probably because none of them was the man above me, who is now trying to untangle my legs from behind him. 

"I didn't know you were… didn't you have boyfriends?"

"Yeah but I've never done anything past boobs."

"Shit, Lil. I can't do this to you. I-"

"Do this to me?"

"Yeah, take your…" He gestures between my legs, still trying to wiggle his way out from between them. 

"I want you, though, Benny."

"I can't. Not when you haven't…you should do it with someone your age. You should've done it with a boyfriend-"

I let out a frustrated huff. "But none of them were you, Ben!"

He stops moving, his eyes studying my face. "What?"

Too late to not say anything now. "I.. ok, I've liked you for a really long time. Like, really liked you. I tried dating people my age but they all suck. None of them were you. I guess I've been waiting, hoping you'd feel the same. But I won't force-"

"You waited for me?"

I nod, suddenly unable to look at him, my cheeks on fire. "I hoped one day I'd have the courage to tell you how I felt. Or something. I knew it was a long shot. I mean, look at me. I'm… me."

His eyes soften, looking down my body and back up to my eyes. "You say that like it's a bad thing. You're fucking gorgeous, Lil. And..I'd be lying if I said I never thought about us. But me? Why would you want anything to do with me?"

I muster up the courage to look him in the eyes. "Because you make me feel seen. Like I matter. That I'm not just some piece of ass."

"I've been through some major shit, Lil."

I reach up, my hand caressing his cheek, fingers scratching at the stubble. "I want that too. I want all of you, Benny. I want you."

His lips press to mine again, urgent, desperate, his large hand pressed on the side of my neck, the other bracing him. He breaks the kiss for just a moment, pulling back enough to make sure I'm looking at him. 

"Are you sure, Lil? This isn't a small thing, even if you weren't a virgin."

"I am so unbelievably sure, Benny. Please just, show me. Make me feel good."

He smiles at me, his eyes darkening with a glint. “I’m about to ruin you for other men, sweetheart. But not here."

My brows furrow together. "What?"

He taps my thigh to get me to unlock my legs. I do and he stands, stretching briefly before he extends a hand to me, helping me up off the couch. He tips my head up, hooking my chin with his finger, pressing his lips to mine, his other hand coming up to lightly pinch my nipple. I gasp at the sensation, arching slightly into his palm. Then he stands straight, holding his hand out to me, giving me one last chance to stop things. I lace my fingers with his, my hand feeling small in his large one and he smiles, walking me down the hallway to his bedroom.

Once inside, he pushes some things out of the way, and sits on the edge of the bed. He beckons me over and I stand between his outstretched legs. He pulls one of my boobs in his mouth and I moan, heat and wet pooling between my thighs as he kisses his way down to my skirt line. He pauses, eyes turned up to mine, as his hand gently glides up my inner thigh, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind it. Once he reaches my panties, he stops, barely brushing a finger over my clothed clit and I jolt, pleasure momentarily shooting out from where he touched me. 

"You're so fucking wet," he says with awe.

"Is..is that a good thing?"

He touches me again, grinning when I gasp out loud. "Such a good thing."

He pulls his hand from under my skirt, hooking his fingers into the waistband and pulls them down slowly, kissing the skin that appears as my skirt and panties slide down my legs. I kick them off, foot shoving them somewhere behind me as I stand there, completely bare in front of him. I'm nervous, hands automatically coming up to cover me, but he grips my wrists, holding them apart as his eyes slowly move over my body. 

"So fucking beautiful, Lil."

He switches places with me and tells me to lay back, scooting up the bed. He kicks off his pants but leaves his boxers on, which do nothing to hide the tent in his pants. My eyes grow wide. Are all men that large? He crawls over my body, slotting himself between my legs, kissing me deeply for several minutes. My legs wrap around him, feeling him hot and heavy against me. But then he's kissing a path down my body, scooting lower and lower until he's level with my pussy, pushing my legs apart further and putting his broad shoulders between them to hold them apart. 

"Fuck, you have a pretty little pussy. Can't believe no one has touched you here."

I don't respond, my head swimming with a whirl of emotions, mostly nerves and how bad I want him to touch me, push himself inside of me. I want-

"Oh!" A cry erupts from me, my thighs clamping around the side of Benny's head as his tongue makes contact with me, licking a line up me before he taps at my clit. "Oh, God, Benny!" My fingers tangle in his hair, tugging on him and holding him in place as he laps at me, gliding his nose up my seam before I feel him press a finger to my entrance, rubbing small circles there. I can hear how wet I am, my other hand flying out to grip the sheets as he pushes his finger in slowly. 

"Fuck you are so tight, Lil."

He slowly moves his finger in and out of me, my body warming quickly before he adds a second finger, this time tapping around inside of me. He hits some spot and I yell, thighs banging against his head again.

"There it is," he smirks, his fingers rubbing and tapping at that spot as his mouth returns to my pussy, licking and sucking. I feel tingles, all over my body, racing towards where he's touching me and then I explode, my head pushing into the bed, thighs tensing as I pulse around him, whining and moaning as I come. Benny guides me through it, making sure I feel every ounce of pleasure I possibly can.

And then he does it two more times. 

My entire body is warm and loose, my brain swimming with the pleasure of it all as Benny removes his mouth from me, wiping his face on the back of his hand, grinning ear to ear as he hovers over me, tasting of me as he presses his lips to mine. 

"You feelin' good, sweetheart?"

"Mmhmm."

Benny chuckles. "Do you want me to stop?"

My eyes fly open as I find his. "No. Please I need you inside of me."

He nods. "I think you're ready for me. But stop me if it hurts or you want me to stop, ok?"

"Ok."

He scoots back off the bed, standing and pulling his boxers off. He springs up and holy shit is that supposed to go in me? He settles between my legs, pushing my thighs apart, sliding himself through my soaked folds and I whimper at his touch. He's heavy at my entrance, his eyes on my face as he slowly pushes in. 

"Oh!" Is about all I can say. It burns for sure, and is uncomfortable, but not painful. And as he pushes further in, I feel him rub up against that spot he made sensitive with his fingers moments before. My fingers dig into his biceps, his muscles strong beneath my nails as he slowly slides back out. 

“Are you ok?” He asks, his eyebrows pulled together in concern. 

“I will be once you’re back inside of me.”

“Fuck you’re gonna kill me.” 

He pushes back into me, still slowly but a little faster this time. When he can go no further, he waits, holding his hips still to give me a moment. I feel so full of him, my head swimming with his scent while I relax and stretch around him. He must feel the tension leaving me, as he pulls back out and pushes back in, more quickly. After about 5 more of these, he pushes in rather quick and I yelp as he hits a spot at the back of me. 

“Fuck! Do that again!”

He smiles, one side of his mouth pulling up as he complies, thrusting into me harder and chuckling when he hears the breathy sounds coming from me. He keeps going, making sure to angle himself to thrust into that spot every time, eventually speeding up more, rutting into me as I come unglued beneath him, writhing and moving my hips to meet his, my vision going hazy at the edges as my body tingles and I come, nails digging into him as I chant his name over and over. Benny grunts and pulls out, spilling himself across my lower stomach, little breathy grunts coming from him as he comes. 

He takes a second when he’s done before getting up and grabbing a wet cloth from the bathroom. He cleans me up and returns with another cloth, wiping my overstimulated cunt, and chuckling when my legs twitch. He tosses the rag in his hamper and crawls on the bed next to me, pulling the sheet over us. Benny props himself up on his elbow, his finger tracing lines down my chest before using a finger to turn my head to him. 

“How are you feeling, Lil?”

I sigh, feeling the corners of my mouth pull into a soft smile. “Honestly? I’ve never felt better.”

He presses his lips lightly to mine. “The best you’ve ever felt, huh?”

I nod, turning on my side to face him. “You were right though. You’ve ruined other men for me. Good thing I only want one man.”

—----

A yell rips me from sleep and I sit up quick, my head rushing slightly as I look around the unfamiliar room, blinking a few times before remembering I was still at Benny’s. In his bed. A whimper echoes in the dark space and I look down, seeing Benny tangled in his sheets, curled up and sweating, eyes jammed shut and his mouth muttering words I can’t catch all of. I may have never seen it on Benny, but I am familiar with the nightmares. My dad has them all the time, one of the many reasons why I’m studying to be a psychiatrist and intend to reform the VA mental health unit. 

I gently place my hand on his bare shoulder, his skin warm and sweaty under my palm. “Benny, it’s ok. You’re here. I’m here.”

He whimpers once more before his eyes pop open, wet with unshed tears and he gasps, hand reaching out for something I can’t see. He blinks and turns his head, seeing my hand on his shoulder and he follows it up to my face.

“Lily?”

I smile. “Hey, Ben. Are you with me?”

“I…” he pulls his shoulder from me and sits up, pulling the blankets around his waist. “I’m sorry.” He’s wiping at his face, trying to push the tears away. “Just lock the door on your way out.”

“What?”

“When you leave, just take the key and lock the door. Slide it under the mat.”

“I don’t…I don’t understand? You’re kicking me out?”

“You want to leave, right?”

“No? Why would I?”

“Because I’m fucked up! I told you, Lil. I have so much shit with me. No one wants this.” 

“Ben. Look at me.”

He shakes his head. "I can't. Just.. lock the door on your way out."

"Ben-"

"I can't. I can't see that look on your face too, I just can't, Lily."

"Ben, please look at me." 

He sighs and turns his head, a hard expression on his face and I see it, all the hurt he’s had to endure from the women before me leaving him once his guard slipped. And I want to fight them all. I take his hand, lacing my fingers through his and bring it to my lips, pressing a kiss to the back of his hand. 

“Benjamin Miller, unless you kick me out, I’m not going anywhere.”

His eyes water a little and he shakes his head to stop them. “But, the nightmares-”

“You think this is the first time I’ve seen a nightmare? Do you not remember who my dad is?”

“Fish gets nightmares too?”

I nod. “All the fucking time, Ben. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked him down. Why do you think I’m going into psych?”

“You’re…you’re really not wanting to leave?”

“No. I’d really rather stay here with you, make sure you’re ok, wake up next to you. As long as you’ll have me?”

He squeezes my hand and presses his forehead to mine. “I’d love that.”

I lay back and beckon him to me, placing his head on my chest as he cuddles into my side. He sucks one of my boobs in his mouth, claiming it’s his comfort toy. But soon after he’s sound asleep, his face peaceful and he doesn’t wake the rest of the night.

He brings me home the next day and I wave to him from the front steps as I walk through the front door. 

“She’s alive!”

“Ha-ha, dad. But I’m doing fine.”

“Was that Benny I saw dropping you off?”

“Oh. Yeah. He was at the bar last night.”

“And he brought you home this morning?”

I nod, kicking off my shoes. “Yeah. I was pretty drunk and my friends still wanted to party. His place was closest to the bar and I asked him to take me there. Didn’t think I could make it home.” I mimed throwing up, which is exactly what I wanted to do. I hate lying to him. 

“You could’ve called me. I would’ve picked you up.”

“I know. But Benny was already there. No sense in waking you up.”

“You know I don’t sleep.”

“Which is why you’re always so fun to be around.”

He looks fake hurt, pressing his hand to his chest. “I am a damn delight….but I’ll have to thank Benny for taking such good care of you.”

I hide my smirk before replying. “Please do.”

—----

The next few months pass and we keep us a secret, going on dates in the next towns over, meeting up whenever we can. I feel bad for lying to my dad and not telling him, but it’s not the right time. 

Benny is everything I thought he was and more. He makes me laugh, even cracking jokes as he’s pressed between my thighs. He makes me feel safe and I think I make him feel safer too. His nightmares, while still present, seem to happen less often, his body relaxing into mine as he sleeps deeply. 

Then there’s the sex. Oh God the sex. I know I have nothing to compare it to, but the way my friends talk about it, it seems like it’s often a chore. They talk about faking orgasms or men that are only concerned about themselves. Not Benny. He says he loves the sounds I make as he pulls orgasm after orgasm out of me, pressing his body against and into mine against every surface of his house and his jeep, anywhere we can get away with it.  

About 6 months in, it’s our turn to host the monthly BBQ for all the boys. Will usually brings his wife and kids, Santi just himself, and Tom brings his family, so it’s a pretty big to do. I remember at BBQ’s in the past, sometimes Benny would show up with some girl and how jealous I was of her. And this time, I’m still jealous, because they got to be with him in the open. No passing touches or whispers, no hiding glances or anything. But I’m feeling bold, so I put on my favorite sundress, the one Benny had hitched up around my hips as he bent me over his kitchen table the last time we were together. And judging by the look on his face, he too has this same memory when he sees me in the dress. 

Everyone is outside, the kids screaming and running around, everyone else chatting, keeping an eye on the kids as my dad starts grilling. I feel Benny’s eyes on me as I set a few bowls of chips on the table, bending over just a little more than normal to expose more of my cleavage to him. I glance up at him and wink, turning and heading back into the house. I hear him come in behind me a couple minutes later, his eyes on me standing in the doorway to the hall. He silently follows me upstairs to my room, closing the door behind us and locking it before taking 2 steps towards me, pulling me to him and kissing me deeply. His hands fist in the sides of my dress, pulling it up higher on my hips. 

“You think you’re so slick wearing this dress?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You know exactly what I mean.”

I pull him down on me, parting my thighs to let him settle between them as my back settles into my bed. My fingers twist in his hair, his hand trailing up my bare thigh as I whimper in his ear. 

“Wanna fuck in my bed. We haven’t done that yet.”

“Your dad’s outside.”

“So?”

“So what if he hears us?”

“I’ll deal with that then. Please fuck me Benny. I need you to fuck me.”

And so he does, pushing my panties aside and thrusting into me, one hand clamped over my mouth. I try to push him into me more, my hands gripping his ass, digging little marks into it when I come, legs spasming as Benny’s moans come right after, his hips rutting into mine as he fills me up. 

“Let me get something to clean you up with.”

“Don’t. I want to feel you inside me.”

“Fuckin’ hell you’re gonna kill me.”

—----

My chest heaves as Benny rolls off me and lays on his side, trying to catch his own breath. He slides his hand across my body and gently squeezes one of my boobs, his thumb grazing over my nipple. 

“You can’t possibly want to go again?” I ask, eyebrows raised. 

“What? This is my emotional support tiddy.”

Laughter erupts from me and Benny joins in, his smile making me feel warm all over. This is nice, this is comfortable. Benny makes everything in my life good. 

“You hungry? We did miss our dinner reservations.”

I chuckle. “Totally worth missing them.”

Benny props himself up on his elbow, his hand leaving my boob to start sliding down my bare stomach. “Oh I agre-”

GROWL! 

My stomach has decided enough is enough and the sound it makes is loud in the quiet room. Benny laughs again, his head flying back with it before he brings his lips to my stomach, speaking to it.

“You hungry, girl? Should we get some food in ya?”

I ruffle his hair and he turns, his cheek resting on my stomach as his eyes meet mine. We stare at each other for a few moments before he chuckles. “Your stomach is so loud.”

“Ok, fine. I’m hungry,” I smile.

He sits up, giving me a quick kiss before rolling off the bed. “I’ll go make us something. You can shower if you’d like. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.” He leaves the room, sliding some pants on before he does. I make my way to his bathroom across the hall and take in my appearance, fixing my hair so it’s not too wild before sliding one of his shirts on. I make my way down the hall and stand in the entrance to the kitchen, watching Benny move about the kitchen, no shirt and sweatpants hanging low on his hips. He tosses a kitchen towel over his shoulder as he flips a pancake, one of his specialties, humming to himself as he does. His hair is sticking up at all angles, looking like he’d just rolled around in bed for hours. Which I guess, technically, he did. I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, kissing his back before resting my cheek against it. 

“You want strawberries or chocolate chips in yours, Lil?”

“Do I have to pick?”

He pauses for a moment. “Shit, why did I never think to combine those?” He adds both cut up strawberries and chocolate chips to his mix, pouring out another round of batter on the griddle. “I may have to steal one.”

“I’ll fight you for it.”

He slides the pancake off the spatula and spins, gripping my wrists before I can move. “I’d like to see- are you in my shirt?”

“Mmhmm.”

He drops my wrists and slides his hands around my hips, feeling for something. “Are you..are you not wearing any underwear?”

“How else am I supposed to feel you dripping down my legs?” Benny groans, gripping my jaw and pulling me in for a heated kiss, but the sound of a key jiggling in his front door lock kills the mood. In one quick motion, Benny is shoving me back through the doorway and down the hall, motioning for me to hide. I step into his room and close the door almost all the way just as the front door opens. 

“Hey, Ben.”

“Hey..Fish.”

The door closes and I feel the color drain from my face. My dad is here and almost walked in on us fucking in the kitchen. 

“Hope it’s ok I used my key? Normally you complain about having to get up and open the door.”

“No, no that’s fine. What, uh, what are you doing here?”

“Lil is at her friend’s studying this weekend so I thought we could watch the fight?”

“The fight?”

There’s a slight pause. “The big fight? Between Samson and Jueng?”

“Oh right. The fight. Yeah, I think the neighbors in 2B are having some kind of party.”

“That explains why the parking lot is slammed.”

“Yeah, yeah. Hey listen, Frankie, I uh…I’m a little…” There’s a pause where Benny fumbles for words. 

“Oh shit, I should’ve called, Ben. I just got bored and I remembered you said you were staying in this weekend. Thought we could hang.”

“No, no. It’s uh, it’s ok. Did..did you want some pancakes?”

“For dinner?”

“I already made some.”

“Sure, sounds good. Bathroom useable?”

“It’s clean, fucker.”

Dad’s chuckle gets closer and I step away from the crack in the bedroom door, like he could see me through it. When I hear the bathroom door close, I yank on some pants and grab my shoes, tiptoe running down the hall and meet Benny at the door. 

“I’ll let you know when he leaves.”

I nod. “Sounds good. I still want pancakes.”

“Ok ok but you have to go now,” He’s practically pushing me out of the door, but just before it closes, he reaches out and grabs my arm, pulling me back and kissing me before letting me go, a smile as the door closes and I hear my dad’s voice coming back down the hall.  

That was close.

—----

Several weeks later, I decided to grab some dinner on my way to Benny’s, neither of us feeling much like cooking. I wait at the counter of the diner, studying the pie menu while our burgers cook. It’s hard to pick out pie for Benny because he loves them all. Even Rhubarb. I decide on a slice of apple and a slice of buttermilk pie, placing the order with the waitress.

“No pecan?”

I jump, my head jerking to look at my dad, leaning against the counter, menu in hand and looking at me. 

“Pecan?”

“You’re favorite?”

“Oh. Yeah I thought I’d try something new.”

He nods. “So, you weren’t going to tell your old man you were getting shitty food before coming home?”

“You’re here too.”

He laughs. “True.” His eyebrows furrow together as the waitress brings 2 large bags and reads off the order. I try to cut her off but she plows through, smiling at the end. 

“Anything else, dear?”

“N-no. I’m good.” She walks off and I can feel my dad’s eyes on me. 

“Hungry?”

“What?”

He nods towards the bags. “There’s enough food there for two. Especially with that last burger. Double cheese, double bacon, and extra pickles? That’s exactly what Benny orders so I know it’s entirely too much.”

I laugh nervously. “Uh yeah. That’s..that’s mine. Period.” He looks at me, understanding. 

“And the other burger?”

“Uh surprise! I was going to bring food home.”

He smiles and I feel terrible. “We must have been thinking the same thing. Thanks, mija. Need some help?”

“Sure.”

He takes the burger bag and I take the other, walking me over to my car. He waits for me to get in and hands me the bag. 

“See you at home!” 

When he’s turned away and solidly heading to his truck, I pull out my phone and send a quick text to Benny. 

Me: No burgers tonight. Dad came in. Had to tell him I was buying for us.

Benny Baby: Oh shit! Did he know?

Me: He recognized your order but nothing past that. I’m sorry! Can I come tomorrow?

Benny Baby: Oh I plan on making you come many times 

—----

It was a couple weeks before we could manage to see each other again and we wasted no time in making up for it. Benny pressed himself between my thighs over and over, pulling as many sounds from me as he could before I just couldn’t take anymore, completely over stimulated. Only then did we get dressed and head out to dinner across town, his arm wrapped around my shoulders as we walked into my favorite Italian restaurant, laughing and sharing breadstick puns as we waited for our food. After force feeding ourselves some dessert, we walked back around the building, Benny pushing me against the side of his jeep, slotting his leg between my thighs as he pushes his tongue in my mouth, my hands fisting in his shirt. I can feel him getting harder against me and I wonder how unoccupied this parking lot is or if I even care. 

“I thought that was you. You got a secret girlfriend?”

Benny freezes at his brother’s voice, pulling back slowly and looking into my eyes, fear and apologies swirling around in his baby blues. He tries his best to turn around without showing me, but the angle is weird and he can’t quite hide all of me, no matter how I try to angle myself. 

“Wait…Lily?” Will says, completely shocked. 

I sigh, stepping out from behind Benny. “It’s me.”

He’s not smiling, gripping the takeout bag he has in his hand a little tighter as he looks at Benny. “That’s Fish’s daughter, Ben.”

“I fuckin’ know, Will. Don’t you think I know?”

“You’re making out with Fish’s daughter. His daughter.” 

“Yeah. And you’re not gonna tell him.”

“Why the fuck shouldn’t I? You shouldn’t be fucking around - shit, are you fucking around with her?”

I feel Benny’s body tense and I gently lace my fingers through his, a motion that doesn’t go unnoticed by Will. 

“That’s Lily, Ben! You shouldn’t be…I gotta call Fish.”

Before he can move, I step in front of Benny and grip Will’s arm gently. He looks down at me, his grey blue eyes studying me as if he’s trying to see if I’ve been coerced. 

“Please don’t, Will. I promise we will tell him. Eventually.”

“Tell him what, exactly?”

I glance back at Benny, giving him a small smile before looking back at Will. “We’re together. I am the secret girlfriend and the reason he hasn’t been around as much.”

Will looks from me to Benny and back. “He put you up to this?”

“Hey fuck you, man!”

I put my hand up, touching Benny’s chest. “No. If anything, I convinced him.”

“You’re Fish’s daughter, Lil.”

“I’m aware.”

“One of our best friend’s daughters.”

“That’s me.”

“I don’t know, I…”

“Will… please? I promise we will tell him. We’ve just…been enjoying each other and seeing where this takes us.”

He cocks his head slightly. “So it’s really not just sex?”

I shake my head. “No.”

He looks between us again, looking like he’s doing some mental math. “Alright but only for you, Lil. Benny knows better. But you have to promise you’re gonna tell him.”

I nod. “Yes, of course. Thank you, Will.” I give him a hug and he returns it with one arm, the other still holding a heavy bag of take out. His eyes never leave Benny’s and I watch as they grow hard. 

“I love you, Ben. But if you hurt her, I’m not gonna hold back Fish.”

Benny nods. “That’s fair.”

—----

I love him. He tried telling me I’d grow out of him, but I didn’t. If anything I fell more in love with him as time went on. Benny let his final walls down, telling me how much he loves me, how I accept him, all of him, and how he thought he’d never find that. I don’t know how we made it 8 months without telling anyone or anyone figuring it out, aside from Will. 

It wasn’t until my dad came home early, finding Benny and me making out on the couch that I remembered why we were keeping it a secret. Thank God he didn’t come home 2 minutes later. 

“What the fuck is this?” He slams the door behind him, the walls rattling and Benny and I spring apart, Benny jumping up as my dad storms towards him. “SHE’S MY DAUGHTER, BEN!” 

Benny has his hands out in a placating manner. “I know, but-”

“My daughter! She is not for you!”

“No, but-”

Anger rises up from my chest. “You have no say over who I get with!”

He looks at me, his dark eyes fuming. “I do when it’s my best friend and my daughter! You’re only 21, Lily!”

“So? I am not some thing you can pass around! My life is my own! I can date and fuck whomever I want!”

His eyes go wide, cheeks flushing with built up anger as he turns his rage towards Benny. “Wait…have you slept with her?”

“Wh-what?”

His voice raises, loud enough I know the neighbors are listening in. “Have you fucked my daughter, Ben?”

The color drains from Benny’s face. “Let’s talk about thi-”

BAM! My dad’s fist collides with Benny’s face, his head flying back. Luckily, Benny knows how to take a punch, thanks to his days as an MMA fighter. He straightens up, dodging the next swing from my dad, his hands still up trying to placate him. 

“Dad!” I push past him and stand in front of Benny, turning his face towards me to inspect his lip, which is now bleeding, a dark circle starting to appear under his eye. I round on my dad.

“What the fuck dad?”

“Don’t dad me! You’ve been lying to me for months! Sleeping with Benny? He’s my best friend, Lily!”

“I know, but-”

“You just never stop to think about the consequences. What did you think was gonna happen? He’s 13 years older than you!”

“Yes, but-”

“He’s done some shit, but putting his hands on my daughter is the thing I’m gonna kill him for.”

“Ok, dad. Kitchen. Now. Benny? First aid kit in the bathroom.” I push on my dad’s chest, willing him to move. He glares over my shoulder at Benny as he moves into the kitchen, but doesn’t sit. 

“What the fuck, Lily?”

“I know, but let me explain.”

“Benny?”

“I love him, dad.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose, his other hand on his hip in his typical dad pose. “I know you think you love him mija, but it’s just infatuation. You’re young.”

“Do you remember a few years ago, you asked me why I had boyfriends but none of them seemed to stick? And I told you I didn’t like them or want any of them?”

He thinks for a moment. “Yeah.”

“What did I say after that?”

“I said maybe you haven’t found the right person and you said no it’s because…” I raise my eyebrows at him until he continues. “...because you were in love with someone else.”

“You told me to go for it and I said I couldn’t because there’s no way he likes me the same way and it would be complicated.”

His shoulders slump, a little bit of the anger seeping from him. “Benny?”

“Benny.”

“How do you know he feels the same way?”

“Didn’t you tell me a few months ago how good he looks? That he said he was seeing someone but wasn’t ready to bring her around everyone yet? But that he hasn’t looked this happy in the entire time you’ve known him?”

“Fuck. It was you?”

“Me. We love each other, dad. We have for years, but didn’t say it until my birthday.”

“Wait. You told me Benny let you stay over because you were drunk. Did he-”

“No. I barely drank. My friends ditched me and he saw me. We went for dinner and then back to his place where..confessions were made.”

“You lied to me?”

“You didn’t ask me if I slept with him, dad.”

“Dammit. I hate when you’re right.” 

“Are…are we going to be ok?”

He pulls me to him in a bear hug, kissing the top of my head. “I’ll always love you, mija. But your boyfriend I may have to warm up to. God that feels weird to say.”

Benny pokes his head around the corner. “Is it safe?”

Dad turns his head to him, hugging me tighter. “I haven’t decided if I want to kill you yet.”

“Well while you’re deciding, can I just say how much I love her? She’s smart and funny, and she makes the world bright again. She’s the best thing to ever happen to me.”

“You’re damn right she is. So what if I told you I don’t want you dating her?”

“Dad-”

“Sshh. I’m asking him.”

“With all due respect, Fish. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself and date her anyway. I love you, you’re my best friend, but she’s the one for me and I won’t let anything come between us unless she wants it to.”

He lets me go and stomps up to Benny, who is a few inches taller than him. He glares up at him for a few moments before extending his hand out. 

“Ok.”

“Ok?"

“Just do me a favor and don’t kiss in front of me?”

“Deal.”

“Speak for yourself, Ben. I plan on making out with you whenever I can.”

A year later we’re married, both of us eternally grateful for my friends ditching me on my birthday that night.

—----

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General Taglist:

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[one-of-the-them]

ok so ive been having thoughts (as im sure we all are) about the aziraphale playlist, and i havent seen anyone talk about this specifically so here we go.

pretty much we have two categories of songs: i’m in love with the world and i’m in love with crowley (which i am going insane about believe me). however there is one song that doesnt really fit either of these categories very well which is angeleyes by abba.

all the other songs in the playlist are happy. theyre optimistic, hopeful, forward looking, and this fits with what we know about aziraphale in this new season (re: the sfx article). angeleyes, on the other hand, is not a happy song. it’s about a failed relationship, about being deeply in love, infatuated with someone and then realising that they’re a bad person and that you have to distance yourself from them whether you like it or not, for your own good.

which begs the question: why put it in the playlist?

it could be explained by the little ‘ineffable’ word game, and also by the fact that the title is literally ‘angeleyes’ and it’s aziraphale’s playlist. however i doubt this. the other songs fit so well together and the fact that it’s such a short playlist means (i think anyway) that every song is important. i just dont think they’d have a song that fits lyrically but not thematically when the themes are so obvious and in-your-face, and when they fit so well with what we already know about aziraphale this season. so i think it’s there for a reason.

i think that crowley is going to confess and have his (long overdue) breakdown. and i think that aziraphale is going to realise how much he’s hurt crowley by being so restrained and having all these walls up, not allowing them to become any closer because he’s too fixated on what heaven will think, even now, four years after they’ve become free from heaven and hell’s influence. and i think he’s going to have a little self depreciating moment, inserting himself into the ‘angeleyes’ persona, thinking: ‘this is how crowley thinks of me. this is how he sees me.’ (i dont know whether they’d actually use the song as a plot device but either way. the vibes.)

anyway im so excited regardless for all the juicy character development we’re going to get and i’ve been very quickly becoming deranged over this song.

[theepisceswriter]

WELCOME TO CLUB RENAISSANCE !

(Aka Stallion's return event)

ＣＵＮＴ ＴＯ ＴＨＥ ＦＥＭＩＮＩＥ ＷＨＡＴ， ＰＯＷ ！

OMGGGG, lovies I am SAUR excited to be back and share my creativity and world with you all and build off of the equally amazing ideas you have as supporters of my work. As an artist, having the inspiration and drive to write after not having ANY for so long means the world to me! So come help me spew out more content for yall!! And what better way to do it than a Beyonce themed event?

MASTERLIST (TBA once requests start rolling in)

HOW THIS EVENT WILL WORK

♡ Underneath the readmore tag there is an assortment of characters, tropes/situations (both sfw and nsfw), and even reader specifics to choose from annnnddd even wildcard options for you if there's anything I left out!

♡ You’ll choose a Drink (character), Beyonce Song (situations/tropes), and your favorite Yonce (reader specific).

♡ The characters listed are not the only ones available, all characters from the fandoms I have listed on my page are available! The ones listed are just the ones I get requests for the most or ones I’ve been having brainrots for lately 

♡ You can send in all sorts of combinations and be as vague or descriptive as you want to be. You can list multiple characters, multiple situations, etc, etc.

♡ For example: "Can I have a Long Island Iced tea, Cuff It & Energy, with Femyonce?", "Can I request Zeke Jaeger with the fwb trope and nb!Reader?" and even, "Can I have One night stand trope with Gojo after he comes home after being locked away for so long?" Whatever you want baby I got you!

♡ Enjoy grandma's babies !!!

♡ CMON AND GRAB YOU A DRINK BABY ! (Characters) ♡

Long Island: Reiner Braun

Margarita: Toji Fushiguro

Martini: Gojo Satoru

Old Fashion: Nanami Kento

Mimosa: Jotaro Kujo

Cosmopolitan: Dio Brando

Bloody Mary: Geto Suguru

Whiskey Sour: Jean Kirchstein

White Russain: Eren Jaeger

Daiquiri: Zeke Jaeger

Negroni: Gutts

Gin Fizz: Shigure Sohma

Manhattan: Levi Ackerman

Mojito: Erwin Smith

Lemon Drop: Shuu Tsukiyama

Sangria: Benimaru

Screwdriver: Leonard Burns

Mai Tai: Character of your choice!

♡ CHOOSE A JAM TO BOOGIE TO! (Scenarios/Tropes)♡

♡ CENSORED (SFW) ♡

ALL UP IN YOUR MIND: Yandere

KITTY KAT: Sidechick-type beat

NO ANGEL: Troubled!Reader

PRAY YOU CATCH ME: Cheating

JEALOUS: Jealousy

ALL NIGHT: Domestic themes (marriage, children, etc)

SORRY: Reconciling

ON THE RUN: Criminal!Reader x Criminal!Character

HEAVEN: Death

LOVE ON TOP: Fluff

MINES: Any trope to lovers

BEST THING I NEVER HAD: AU (coffee shop, modern, organized crime, etc, etc)

LOVE DROUGHT: Angst

HELLO: First date

BREAK MY SOUL: wildcard! A theme you think of that might not be listed

♡ UNCENSORED (NSFW) ♡

COZY: Cockwarming

ALIEN SUPERSTAR: Monsterfucking

CUFF IT: Overstimulation

CHURCH GIRL: Religion kink

PLASTIC OFF THE SOFA: Aftercare (can be sfw)

VIRGOS GROOVE: Friends with benefits

MOVE: Dominatrix

THIIQUE: Body worship (can be sfw)

PURE/HONEY: Onlyfans!Reader

SUMMER RENAISSANCE: One-Night Stand

VIDEO PHONE: Phone sex

IF I WERE A BOY: Pegging

6-INCH: Sex worker!Reader

SANDCASTLES: Hate sex

UPGRADE U: Sugar Daddy/Mommy

HAUNTED: BDSM

BLOW: Oral fixation

PARTITION: Car sex

DANCE FOR YOU: Striptease

ENERGY: Mutual masturbation

ROCKET: wildcard! A theme you think of that might not be listed

♡ CHOOSE YOUR FAVORITE YONCE ! ♡

Femyonce: F!Reader

Thugga Bey: M!Reader

Themyonce: Nb!Reader

Diversce (I thought of this one real hard): POC!Reader (you specify)

[murruspins]

Welcome to my blog!

Hello!! Welcome to murruspins :3!

This is a special interest blog, however it also kind of acts like a diary. I write down what I’m thinking or hyperfixating on, same goes with my regular interests! This blog will also have alot of alterhuman content, as it’s a big part of my identity!

About the owner of this blog…

My name is Murruyu! I’m a transfem enby, and would prefer if you used they/it/xe on me aswell as fem + neutral terms! If you don’t respect my pronouns, I’ll simply block you, no biggie! 🤍

My special interests are mcyt (hermitcraft & life series specifically), horror, metal music and bio! When I say bio and horror, I mean all aspects. I love horror games, movies, shows, etc. And I love all biology paths/subtypes! (Eg: wildlife bio, botany, palaeontology, and more!)

I’m the host of a minor bodied DID system, however I won’t get into that much on this blog, as this is my personal blog! However, I will talk about our physical disabilities because they impact my everyday life, and this is a diary blog after all! [I will mainly talk about my EDS and CFS]

As I said before.. I am an alterhuman! More specifically, here is a link to all my kintypes!

This list may be updated/edited in the future, but for now, these are all of my (known) kintypes! Some stronger than others. More specifically, I have a super strong connection to the feline clade, more so than my other kintypes. Obviously, due to being alterhuman, I do not identify as human. I instead identify as my kintypes, I may post about my alter-humanity frequently 🫶

I am ALWAYS looking for moots/friends!! Click here to see my interests + adult mutuals are okay, just no dms!

DNI/BYI

DNI:

• People who hate on ANY of my special interests. No offence, but you’re not welcome here, this is my safe space! [PS: being afraid of horror or animals is not the same as hating on them, if you have a phobia of something that’s completely fine! Just don’t insult my spintrest on my page 🤍]

• Anti alterhuman, Anti Age regression, Anti pet regression

• Endogenic systems, Profic/Proship/Darkship/anything that fits into that category.

• FURBY BLOGS!!!!! Furby centred blogs/Blogs with furbys as their theme/pfp dni. Moots r okay but please add a warning whenever you post them 😭🫶. I’m terrified of those little things.

BYI:

• I’m autistic, I need tonetags! If you’re going to ask anything, I’d appreciate you using tonetags so I can understand you better! :3

• Adults may not ask to be my friends, No offence, just for boundary and comfort reasons, I am a minor after all. Mutuals are fine!

• I generally do not engage in discourse, if that’s something you’d like to know before following! This blog is focused on being diary, alterhuman and interest themed!!

• This is my main blog! If I’m active, it’s probably here. But my side blogs are…

> @liostims , my stim blog

> @lovesicksyndicate , our sys blog

> @faunafeature , my animal info dump blog

… Please keep in mind many of these blogs may be inactive, as this is my main!

MOOT SPECIFIC:

• I would appreciate if you tag your posts to do with war, guns & etc to do with tw war or war. I grew up in a situation that causes these to be big triggers for me. Thank you 🫶

• If you post dead animal imagery PLEASE add a tw or cut off or SOMETHING. I know this is specific but I’ve had a moot do this before and it was actually insane. I admit I’m a bit sensitive but I still don’t want to see that

Finishing up/Extras…

. . . Emoji games!

How these games work; ask via the ask option, and write an emoji + any other info you’d like, and I’ll answer! Just a small game for fun!

🐾 , info dump about a random animal I’m fixating on at the time! (Please include if you don’t want a specific animal due to a fear, for example: bugs).

🐈 , song of the day! ask and I’ll give you a song that’s been stuck in my mind recently, or just a random song off my playlist!

🐍 , daily check in! I’ll give you a small rant about my day so far, and tell you how I’ve been recently! (I’ll try to keep it positive.)

"(Therian/biology/metal/anything related to my blog) culture is…" asks are also always appreciated!! I love seeing them, and I love interacting with people!!

Blog tags . . . !!

#murru mews 🐾 | my general tag! Diary entries!

#murru hisses 🐍 | vent posts

#murru’s asks : replies to my asks!

#murru’s rants : rants!! Either in response to the emoji games, or just to infodump :]

#murru’s playlist : anything to do with music!

#murru’s toybox : anything to do with my collections!! I collect a lot of things, so this tag will be full of things in my collection :]

#murru’s games : an additional tag, just for my emoji games!

PS: blog creation date.. Jan 30th 2024!

Thank you for reading !

. . . Enjoy your travels, dear friend!

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hi Lexi! I saw your match ups and I'm curious who you'd match me up with, if you wouldn't mind?

•What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

• Okay, so I’ve listened to ‘Rule #34’ by Fish in a Birdcage over and over. The verse ‘You look so good, there on your knees/ Such a good girl knows how to please/ Look at me, look me in the eyes/ Forget yourself, surrender your mind/ Right now, you’re mine/ All mine/ Give in, you’re mine/ All mine (oh)’ I really have no real reason that comes to mind except that it scratches something in my brain.

•What is your Enneagram type?

•I'm an INFJ

•Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

•I do not, the closest I’d say I enjoy are the Redacted 101 videos

•Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

•I actually can’t remember much of my childhood. I think I used to have an imaginary friend but I can’t remember specifics

•What is your go-to way to fall asleep?

•listening to ASMR videos, usually Redacted

•If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

• Hmmm that’s a good question. I actually like my name so I’ve never thought of changing it. I might go with Amitisia, it’s kinda cringe because it’s the name I gave to a main character of a story I never finished writing when I was a teenager.

•What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?

•Number one spot goes to “Your Incubus Confesses His Feelings (Again) While You Sleep”. It’s so soft and sweet and makes me feel so comforted when I’m having a bad day. I’ve listened to it a lot before I fall asleep.

Second place would go to “Falling For Your Yandere Childhood Friend”

•What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

•Hate to say it but Ollie, he’s so sweet and nice but I was just never interested? And it always seems like we get an Ollie video before something bad happens so maybe that has something to do with it?

•Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

•I tend to replay shows and movies I like a lot so there’s a bunch. I guess I’ll go with “Mulan” because it’s my all time favorite Disney movie.

•Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

•Oh, definitely Asher! Whenever I listen to his playlist I'm just like…You’re cute and chaotic but I’d rather have you as a wing-man.

•Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

•So, irl I’m a very quiet person, so I get even more quiet when I’m tired. I guess if I picked something, it’d be something I’m currently trying to write?

•Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

•Nachos and cheese and root beer

•Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.

•I’ve currently been obsessed with the Epic the Musical playlist. I have to stop myself from singing it when I listen at work

•What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?

•Reverse harem books, especially if it’s more of a poly situation than a multiple guys are with one girl. I was always frustrated with love triangles in books growing up, because…why can’t they all just be together. It was a pretty blaring flag that I was poly, now that I think about it.

•Extras

•My favorite color is purple. I love cats. I enjoy anime or animated shows/movies over live action. I collect pins, rocks/crystals, and stuffed animals. I hate certain food textures.

There are lots of cute details here to consider and prioritize when I was considering your match, but your being a writer won out. I can’t not pair a writer with Guy, you know?

Despite the same hobby/vocation, I love the small ways you contrast each other as well. Guy’s extroverted, bombastic nature would be such a cute foil to your introverted, quiet self. You’re a cat person; I imagine Guy as a dog person. These differences keep things interesting and balanced but not discordant, you know? I also think Guy is one of the redacted bois most likely to be poly/a romantic anarchist, so that’s another factor that would make y’all work so well. (He’d have similar feelings about love triangles, and a couple that bitches together stays together /hj /pos)

Guy would be such a charming boyfriend- not necessarily an easy one to an introvert but definitely a charming one. You two have writing sessions that are meant to be done quietly, in tandem, and they never are, always interrupted by Guy’s stream of consciousness and sidetracked thoughts spoken out loud. (Somehow, you still always get so much written. He’s very inspiring that way.) You two adopt both a cat and a dog that get along a lot better than anyone would expect. Guy always feels in his bones when you’re not having a great day and comes home with a new rock or pin for collection.

Song:

And that's because I wanna be your favorite boy/ I wanna be the one that makes your day/ The one you think about as you lie awake/ I can't wait to be your number one/ I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine

The song I picked for y’all isn’t necessarily one I think you’d both like per se, though it’s very catchy; I picked it because it’d make a good soundtrack to your love story. It makes me think of Guy falling in love with you, falling first, and being like “just you wait, I am going to win you over”, like he wants to be your favorite boy, your boyfriend, but best friend/roommate is a good start.

Runner-ups:

Huxley is a cute runner-up for you as an ambivert, but I especially love how often he’d bring you rocks and crystals for your collection, maybe even getting you a special shelf to display them on. Camelopardalis is your other runner-up, because he’s one loving partner away from falling in love with cats; he just needs someone to show him the way.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[tinypandacakes]

Heyyy, I came from Trapper, Keeper on AO3 and just have to say that I love this story so much and how it’s evolving more and more by each chapter. Your writing is absolutely captivating. I’ve been obsessed with COD for a while and obsessively play the games quite often (and having a hyper fixation on König specifically tehe), and venturing off into reading works about it is always hit or miss for me, but your works have been my absolute favorite to find so far. I’ve been a silent viewer since chapter three, but I had to finally come out and tell you how much I love it!

I’m not great with song recommendations, but I do remember you talking about making a Spotify playlist for TK. I’m a bit of a mega Ghost fan but Call Me Little Sunshine or Cirice I feel like would be good but totally up to you of course. :)

Ahhh 💕💕 thank you SO much for reading and taking the time to let me know you enjoyed it :3 it’s the most fun I’ve ever had writing a fic by far so it’s just so rewarding to hear how much others like it too!

Ohhh yessss, I love Ghost as well!

Cirice and call me little sunshine are fantastic suggestions! Adding them to the list, thank you! I’m hoping to share the playlist this weekend if I finish combing through all the suggestions :3

[justlet-melive]

here’s a question :3 uh do you have like any favourite anatomy or reference books/texts. or any tips for doing study’s??

sorry if this is like annoying or weird idk i’ve just been a little obsessed with your art lately. the way you capture shape and movement is so fantastic. you have such a talent for capturing characters personality through visual quirks too. idk like the way you draw ellie tlou is so specific. it’s not exactly on model but it’s kind of better lol. i can instantly tell most of what you need to know about her. same with your recent astarions like idk you’ve just managed to capture a real physicality about him that i think can be hard. idk i’m maybe biased but i think without any exposure to the game you could probably guess how he moves and sounds from your art.

idk uh sorry if this is worded weird i feel like i always do that LOL okay though anyways i adore your art it’s just so distinct. i’d eat it if i could. i’d honestly do a lot to capture even a fraction of the magic you’re creating. okay hope this message finds you well BYE

no need to feel self conscious about doing me a kindness in the form of gratifying to read, thoughtful observations of my fanart!!!!

thank you. very late response because i wanted to respond with some equally thoughtful advice and also let my ego calm down a bit, but..

im 'lazy' and like to keep drawing for fun as easy as possible. So i dont have any reference books hm... You obviously look at art and are able to relay to yourself and others what you saw and felt. thats the skill you should always indulge. looking at all kinds of things youre drawn to and observing why. best ref! (thanks again btw, best feeling being on the receiving end of that. to be... astarion voice: Seen in the Eyes of Another)

I have studied (and continue to do so when i get the chance) figure drawing at my community college, which was a big leap. i ended up focusing a lot on the relationship between the ribcage/pelvis/flow of the spine at that time. still my favorite part of drawing lol. During my most recent artblock i started copying muscle anatomy pages from a Morpho book as a way to keep drawing without a proper fixation. which is great because i also love the weight of flesh :^D

if you'd like my 'woo-woo advice' it's to get lost in the process and less invested in the results. and never be embarrassed. it'll keep you drawing (behind every piece of successful fanart is a mountain of scrap drawings of Fictional Guy #2378 facing 3/4 left.) and its meditative!! cathartic? personally i like to have a song/playlist to keep up the emotion im trying to work out going throughout my drawing session. helps me tell if the expression im drawing feels 'right'

and on the topic of drawing off model--!! Anytime im onto a new character i do spend a few sessions tracing their proportions/copying their models. after i figure out more or less what about their original design makes that Character i like to lose the training wheels. artistic interpretation is more interesting for me to look at and create. and i think it frees you up to better convey a feeling. the more you draw something the more you settle into 'what works' but i never set out to draw the same way twice! usually never anyway

thank you again for taking time to observe my drawings, and relaying back what you saw and felt. it honestly makes my day(s) to the point i almost feel guilty about it

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Music I Write To:

recently I’ve been getting some anon asks about what kind of music i write to while i write/what specific songs/albums i listen to

i mentioned a while ago that i typically don’t like listening to music with lyrics when writing as the lyrics and vocals tend to distract me when trying to write (my brain is wired weird, i know) so i typically only listen to film scores when writing.

now with that caveat, i usually circulate a few different scores that i’m fixated on, depending on the mood of the fic im working on (note: this is not an endorsement of some of these films nor their narratives, i simply just love listening to pretty music and that’s all some of these are… you’ll probably be able to pick out which ones im referring to)

currently, my favorite/go-to film scores are:

Anna and the King by George Fenton

My Sister’s Keeper by Aaron Zigman

Murder on the Orient Express by Patrick Doyle

You’ve Got Mail by George Fenton

Flightplan by James Horner

Jane Eyre by Dario Marianelli

Sense and Sensibility by Patrick Doyle

anyway, just wanted to make a general post since i had a few different anon besties asking me! if anyone else is like me and likes to listen to film scores while they write, drop your favorites in the reblogs or give some of these a listen if you haven’t 💕💕