#i’ve been So fucking miserable this past week and if i have to feel like this for another week or two

[hellfireeddiemunson]

i have bad melted soup brain today and i hate it

[twinknote]

they should make antibiotics that don’t make you feel like you’re dead and dying

[crushmeeren]

♡ Master List Link

❥ Bakugou / Fem Reader / Todoroki

❥ Everyone involved in this is 18+/aged up.

Warnings; angst/comfort, cursing, vaginal sex, anal sex (double penetration), pussy eating, blow jobs, squirting

Note; This is my first time writing for this pairing and I’ve wanted to for so long.

It’s normal when you and Katsuki argue. It’s normal when Shouto and Katsuki argue. What isn’t normal, are the fights you and Shouto get into.

It only occurs once in a while, but when it does — you end the night miserably with a lump in your throat and an icy chill that shreds and rearranges your stomach.

Unfortunately, despite doing your damndest to avoid arguing with Shouto, this past week has had you itching to chew him out.

Shouto’s assured you and Katsuki at least three times this week that he was going to be home from work to eat dinner with you. Yet each time he’s shown up so late that Katsuki has put the leftovers in the fridge and you two went to sleep.

And this is not even remotely the first time you’ve dealt with this.

It’s not as if you don’t all understand that being a hero will never be a job where you have the privilege of scheduled hours. Shit happens, and it happens often. And Shouto’s not the only one who gets the short end of the stick.

This wouldn’t even get under your skin so badly if he at least could’ve let either of you know he wasn’t going to make it. He hasn’t even done that. He’s been letting his phone die and not bothering to charge it.

“Pick up the fucking phone, Shouto.” You know you have a bitchy attitude, but you’re speaking to his voicemail again.

You exhale a drawn out sigh through your nose and shift in place to unstick your thighs from the leather material of the bar stool you’re currently occupying.

Your kitchen smells amazing because of Katsuki’s cooking and you get even more pissed about all the effort the blonde is putting into this just for Shouto to disregard it.

You set your phone down too harshly, not realizing until you hear an ominous crack of glass that makes you wince. Gingerly you pick it back up and only notice a few hairline cracks, thank god.

“I’m not buying you another new fucking phone,” Katsuki pipes up, sounding much too amused from where he’s stirring something at the stove.

You glare at his back, scoffing in response.

“Well if a certain someone would answer their damn phone I wouldn’t be breaking this one!”

Katsuki is aware of how upset this situation has been making you. He’s been encouraging you not to worry about it because “Shouto has always been an air-headed idiot.” You chastise the blonde when he makes those remarks but you somewhat agree.

He’s so intelligent when it comes to hero work, but relationships have always been….. alien to him.

“So strawberry shortcake’s blowing us off again?” Katsuki asks with no small amount of annoyance.

Your gaze flickers to the blonde’s broad back, studying the way his muscles roll and flex along the edges of his black tank top as he stirs fried rice.

Your brows pull together, scowling as you drum your fingers on the counter top.

“I guess so,” you murmur, sounding and feeling defeated. The sting in your eyes that signals oncoming tears is no surprise. Shouto’s recent behavior has been weighing heavily on your heart. You sniffle as quietly as you can.

Does he even want to be with us anymore?? Does he love me?

You realize you may be overreacting but you can’t help it.

Katsuki has got to be a mind reader — or he most likely heard you sniffling. His palms start crackling as he notices you’re about to cry. He pauses, turning the stove off just to be cautious, and wipes the sweat from his hands on his sweatpants.

He pivots in place and strides over to you with a scowl on his face, taking in the steady stream of tears rolling down your flushed cheeks.

“Look at me, idiot,” he says affectionately, crossing his arms over his chest as he comes to a stop. You stubbornly refuse to turn your chair his direction.

He makes a frustrated noise and grips the back of your chair, physically swiveling you to face him. He steps in between your thighs and you tilt your head downwards, still refusing to meet his gaze. You obnoxiously sniffle. Katsuki scoffs, reaching a hand out to grip your chin.

His thumb and pointer fingers cradle your chin, gently guiding your head up. His sharp expression softens as scarlet eyes flit across your face, taking in how heartbroken you truly look.

A new wave of tears track down your cheeks, a small sob escaping and shaking your shoulders.

“I — I just don’t understand Kat. Why doesn’t Shouto want to come home?” You cry, voice cracking pitifully. You use the backs of his hands to wipe away the never ending tears.

Katsuki can’t stand seeing you this way. He wraps his arms around your head and shoves your face into his chest, smoothing a hand over your upper back in hopes of providing some sort of comfort.

Eagerly, you return his embrace. The warmth of his skin bleeding through the material of his tank top as it catches your sorrow.

“Baby,” he whispers lowly, soothingly. “Shouto‘s not doing this on purpose. I know you know that. His cocksucker of a father is working him to the bone.”

It does little to quell the ache in your chest even if he’s right.

You don’t respond, the build up of frustration and grief from the past couple weeks spilling out of you and onto Katsuki. He kisses the top of your head, resting his cheek there and allowing you to cry until you start to get lightheaded and empty.

Eventually your sobbing subsides and you release the death grip you had on your boyfriend’s shirt. He frees you as you lean backwards slightly, staring up at him with a pout. Your eyes are swollen and heavy, but you feel lighter.

Katsuki gives you a half smile, using his thumbs to tenderly wipe away the excess tears under your eyes.

“I’ll still kick his ass if you want,” Katsuki jokes halfheartedly. You laugh softly, the corners of your mouth tilting upwards involuntarily.

He grins fully at you, bending down to press your foreheads together. He places his big hands on your thighs and plants a chaste kiss on your lips.

You respond enthusiastically, sliding your hands up his chest and slipping them around his neck as your lips connect over and over.

He smiles into the kiss and tilts his head minutely, biting playfully on your bottom lip until you open up for him. The glide of his tongue against yours has arousal burning desperately in your lower belly.

You let out a breathy moan and Katsuki’s fingers tighten on your legs before he breaks the rapidly blazing kiss.

Your chest heaves as you catch your breath, catching a whiff of fried rice that reminds you Katsuki had been cooking. The blonde retreats to his full height.

“Kat,” you say reluctantly, grabbing his attention. “I’m not sure I can eat anything right now. I just want to go to bed.” You chew on your bottom lip, fiddling with your thumbs.

He frames your face with his hands, a smirk worming its way onto his mouth.

“Then let me take your ass to bed so you can be my pillow princess for the night,” he says confidently, winking when your eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

A pleasant flush travels through your entire body, cheeks feverish as you let out a startled laugh.

Once you nod in agreement Katsuki slips his hands under your thighs and hefts you up out of your seat. You laugh brightly, embracing his waist with your legs and holding onto his neck.

Within a few moments Katsuki’s got you both naked and he’s slipping under the sheets of your bed. Your legs part for him easily, tugging him up and over you until he fits like a puzzle.

When his cock pushes inside of you it’s everything you weren’t aware you needed that night. He rolls his hips sweet and slow until your spine’s bowing off the mattress and you’re crying out his name, being sure to leave scratches on his back.

Later on Katsuki ventures back to the kitchen to put away the food from earlier. He decides he’s going to wait for the dumbass and give him a piece of his mind when he returns home.

Katsuki waits…and waits until he’s sitting up straight and nodding off on the couch.

He uses his fists to rub his eyes and checks the time on his phone only to see that it’s past midnight. Katsuki’s temper flares and he swiftly has to remove his hands from the couch cushions for fear of blasting it to smithereens.

He leaves Shouto a colorful message on a sticky note and promptly goes back to the warmth of the bed and snuggles into your chest until he passes out.

It’s after 1:00 am when a chilly arm circles your waist and tugs you back into a toned chest. Your brain is sluggish in your barely there consciousness but you’re able to recognize that it’s Shouto’s presence behind you. Katsuki’s on your other side, leaving you in the middle.

It’s become somewhat of a habit between the three of you to welcome each other with a few kisses when someone arrives home late. So when you don’t flip over you’re sure Shouto’s confused.

Your chest hurts when you think about facing your boyfriend. Ignoring him is probably hurting him, yet you can’t find it in yourself to care right now.

When it’s clear that you won’t be speaking to him as you pull the blanket up over your shoulder, Shouto tightens his arm and tickles the nape of your neck with a soft exhale.

You don’t speak to Shouto for about two days. The man tries to talk to you, truly he does, but you keep him at arms length.

The first night you return home from patrol, battered and bruised with a headache from hell as you stumble in the front door.

You’d been messaging Katsuki throughout the day, the blonde hero keeping you up to date on Shouto.

He did fail to mention they must’ve had their own argument about the situation, if the recently acquired burn marks on the wall have anything to say about it.

When you make it to your bedroom, it seems they must’ve made up. They’re entangled and naked in the sheets so that solves that mystery. The soft light from the bathroom night illuminates them enough that you can see Shouto’s head pillowed on his chest.

Your stomach drops at the sight, the dull ache of betrayal surprising you as it tries to carve a hole in your chest.

At any other time, you’d love seeing them together. However you and Shouto are still caught up in this ridiculous fight that seems to be more one sided than anything.

With a quiet groan you move into the bathroom, stripping off your filthy clothing and stepping into the shower.

You stand under the scalding water and scrub off the layer of grime you picked up during your shift. As you run the wash cloth over your skin you imagine you’re chipping at the depressing emotions you’re riddled with as well, willing them to go down the drain.

Once you’ve managed to get clean and dressed in one of Katsuki’s oversized T-shirt’s, you find yourself standing unsettled at the edge of your bed. Staring as you contemplate what to do.

An uneasy sensation worms under your skin, lurking as you weigh the options of staying or not. Ultimately you decide to go sleep on the couch.

You make haste with quiet footsteps until Shouto murmurs something unintelligible in his sleep. Your pulse stutters as you still, waiting to see what he does.

He says nothing more and you release the breath you weren’t aware you were holding, sneaking out to the living room.

You settle in on the couch, curling up in a ball underneath multiple throw blankets. Your chest squeezes while you wrestle with your mind until you convince yourself you have to reconcile with Shouto tomorrow.

Shouto wakes the next morning sporting a gray cloud overhead when his alarm goes off. He’s staring intensely at Katsuki’s side profile, admiring how handsome he is. The breeze from the fan brushes over his back and his brows scrunch together in confusion at the absence of your body heat.

He rolls over, eyes widening as he begins to panic when he doesn’t see you there.

Shouto’s heart jumps to his throat as he tumbles out of bed, snagging the blanket around his ankle and jostling Katsuki awake as he goes.

“Oi, idiot! What the fuck are you doing?” Katsuki rasps at an ear splitting volume. He sits up ramrod straight and wears a furious scowl. His gaze narrows as it lands on Shouto who freezes under the heavy glare.

Shouto says your name, glancing at the door as he fidgets in place.

“Where is she? Why isn’t she in bed?” Shouto’s low voice asks, an anxious edge marring it.

Katsuki’s lip curls and his cheeks flush a rosy pink as he rises from the bed. It forces Shouto to take a step back in bewilderment as he’s met with the blonde’s rage.

“You idiot,” Katsuki snarls venomously, shoving a finger into his boyfriend’s chest. “She is here, but she’s sleeping on the couch. You’ve been fucking us off as if we mean nothing to you for the past two weeks and you wonder why she doesn’t want to be in the same bed as you?” Katsuki laughs meanly, pushing Shouto out of his pathway with a lone finger before moving to his dresser. “I thought you were smarter than that,” he sneers, chin raising defiantly.

“I didn’t —,”

Katsuki cuts Shouto off, the muscle in his jaw twitching as his fists curl.

“Don’t you even fucking dare say you didn’t mean to. I don’t give a shit. Fix it Shouto, or I’ll take you on in a fight you won’t win.”

He slams the door to their bathroom shut so hard the frame rattles.

Shouto sinks down onto the edge of the mattress as if Katsuki knocked his knees out from under him. He was too stunned to even get a word in edgewise.

Shouto… knew you were upset, but he wasn’t aware it was this bad.

He stands on wobbly legs, stomach rolling painfully as he robotically gets ready for his shift. He can’t recall the last time he felt so numb.

The second you hear Shouto leave is when you finally open your eyes. You had heard the pair fighting and pretended to be asleep, not wanting a blow out fight to erupt between the three of you.

You feel so guilty, hoping and praying Shouto doesn’t get distracted by this entire ordeal while he’s out on patrol.

This fight isn’t worth risking his life over.

You have to make up with him tonight, it’s gone on far too long.

Shouto’s one of your soulmates, and you’ve loved every second you’ve had the privilege of being a part of his life.

Your footsteps are quiet as you shuffle to your now deserted bed, flopping down and crawling under the covers to wait for Katsuki’s return.

It’s not too late into the evening when the front door finally opens. You’d been mentally preparing yourself for the conversation the three of you would be having tonight.

You’d been nervously biting your nails and lounging on the couch with your feet tucked under you while Katsuki was, to nobody’s surprise, cooking something once again.

You spring out of your seat as Shouto locks the front door, striding to stand a few feet in front of him with a sheepish smile.

His expressions brightens like the sun when he sees you and you don’t even try to stop the grin that tugs at your lips.

In the next moment he’s hugging you, burying his face into your neck as he lifts you off the floor by your waist. Relief unfurls warmly behind your rib cage as you return the affectionate embrace, securing your legs around his waist.

He smells clean as he always does, something similar to a note of cinnamon tickling your nose in the addictive cologne that he wears.

“I’m sorry,” Shouto whispers tenderly, shifting so his forehead rests against your temple when he speaks. He noses at your cheek when you nod, repeating the same phrase so he knows you are too.

“You fuckers just gonna stand here all night?” Katsuki complains with no real heat behind it. You didn’t even hear him approach. You laugh, unwinding yourself from Shouto as he places you back on your feet.

Katsuki’s standing with his hands on his hips, wearing a soft smile that makes him look five years younger.

You tease him and Shouto joins in until the blonde is blushing and cursing you both to hell.

After what feels like the longest conversation of your life, you find yourself on your knees and elbows between Katsuki’s spread thighs. Your ass is high in the air for Shouto who’s settled behind you.

Katsuki’s rock hard, propped up by a couple pillows. He strokes his cock leisurely, biting the tip of his tongue as he leers down at you. You wink up at him and he grins coyly.

Shouto grips your ass and spreads you open. The cool air on your pussy makes your breath hitch.

You moan lowly, nails sinking into Katsuki’s thighs and forehead coming to rest on the blonde’s belly when Shouto’s tongue flicks at your clit. Dragging it up through your lips and swirling it over your rim.

You push yourself up, bracing a hand on either side of Katsuki’s hips as Shouto teases your rim with a slick finger. The blonde smirks when your jaw drops.

“Look at you baby girl, all fucked out and Sho’s barely touched your pussy,” he coos meanly, fisting his cock a little faster.

You attempt to respond but Shouto’s a shit who chooses that exact moment to slide a finger in your ass all the way to his knuckle.

“Shouto,” you choke out. “Keep going, give me another finger,” you plead, rocking back towards him. Shouto obeys, pushing in a second finger with ease and you whine. Your head drops between your shoulders and it gives you the view of Katsuki’s cock twitching in his grip when you let out more noises.

Katsuki notices your stare.

“Yeah? Wanna suck on my cock baby?” Katsuki asks with a lilt to his voice as though he’s offering someone an irresistible treat, cradling your cheek with his free hand and rubbing under your eye with his thumb.

“I do,” you confirm with an eager nod. You bend down to do just that but Katsuki’s shakes his head with a tsk and halts you with a hand around your throat. You glance up at him confused. He ignores you and levels Shouto with a look.

“Whatcha think, Shouto? Should I let the princess suck me off till you stretch her out?”

Shouto keeps thrusting his fingers, scissoring them a bit as he hums in agreement.

“I think so, yes,” Shouto affirms, something playful in his tone.

Katsuki grins wolfishly at you, placing a hand on the back of your head and pushing until you open your mouth and swallow half the cock pointed up at you in one go. You moan at the feel of his thick shaft on your tongue, bobbing your head slowly and chasing Katsuki when his hips jerk upwards.

“Jesus Christ baby, you have a velvet mouth,” Katsuki praises, husky moans filling the air.

You let Katsuki distract you as Shouto slips a third finger inside your ass, placing his thumb on your clit and rubbing tight circles to balance out the pain and pleasure.

Only a couple minutes later and Katsuki is starting to fidget in place.

“Think you can deep throat me?” Katsuki pants, eyelids fluttering as he waits for your answer. You hum which is the best you can do to say yes, even if your jaw is aching.

The pressure on the back of your skull increases and you relax your throat as his tip pushes past the muscle. You panic only briefly when your airway is cutoff, but hearing the way Katsuki cries out with a high pitched moan as he fills out your throat is worth it. You squeeze your eyes shut as tears gather at your lash line.

“You’re so goddamn hot. Look at those pretty lips stretched so filthy around me. You love sucking cock don’t you?” Katsuki taunts, head tilting backwards with a breathy moan when you whine in response.

He keeps you choking on his dick with a firm hold for at least ten seconds. Until you’re starting to claw at his thighs, until you’re starting to resist, and then suddenly you’re being pulled off him. Your lungs burn, coughing and swallowing air as Shouto takes his fingers from you.

You’re spun around and sat on Katsuki’s lap faster than you can blink as the blonde sits up straighter, saliva covered cock sliding between your ass. Your eyes open wide as you meet Shouto’s yearning mismatched gaze and he gives you a half smile.

Katsuki bends his knees and plants his feet so you’re cradled in his lap, thrusting so his cock catches briefly on your rim before sliding upwards.

“I want you baby,” Shouto tells you sincerely, running his knuckles over your cheekbone. You grin adoringly at him in return, lids fluttering as Katsuki rolls his hips against you once more.

“Someone’s impatient,” you try to tease, but it comes out partially strangled. “I want you too Shouto.”

Katsuki snorts behind you, patting your ass to get you to rise up a bit. You do so automatically.

“Well fuck me then, right?” Katsuki teases as he grips his shaft and lines himself up with you. Shouto rolls his eyes playfully.

“Well she is about to sit on your cock,” Shouto deadpans. You try to cover a laugh by slapping a hand over your mouth.

“You’re a fucking comedian aren’t ya Sho?” Katsuki says with a strained voice as you start to sink down on him. You gasp loudly when he pushes past your tight, slick rim and he moans.

Shouto stays silent, keeping his eyes locked with yours while you take in the blonde’s cock until you’re sitting completely in his lap. It aches, a dull throb as you shift around to get comfortable. Desperate for the pain to go away you start to rise up and down on the cock splitting you open, bracing your weight on Katsuki’s knees.

Shouto squeezes the base of his shaft, twitching in his own grip because the sight of you riding Katsuki, tits bouncing inches from his face is making him want to cum. Now.

The blonde holds your hips, biceps flexing as he helps you move, impatiently working for the pleasure you know is near by. Soon enough, the pain starts to fade and a warm shiver takes it place at the base of your spine, slithering through your veins unabashedly.

You stare at Shouto with half lidded eyes, studying the way his skin flushes as he watches the two of you silently, fisting his cock teasingly. The other hero shuffles closer, leaning forward as you begin slowing to a crawling pace when he gets in your personal space. Katsuki, surprisingly, holds his tongue when you do.

Shouto kisses you then, slightly chapped lips meeting yours. You bring your arms up to play with the soft hair at the nape of his neck, scratching at his scalp and humming against his mouth.

When you can’t breathe any longer you break away, tongue poking out to run over your bottom lip. Shouto peers over your shoulder at Katsuki.

“Can I be inside her now?” He asks restlessly and you practically hear Katsuki’s eye roll.

“So fucking needy,” Katsuki mutters. “Lean back on my chest baby, I’m gonna cum if we stay like this anyways.”

You press one more kiss to Shouto’s mouth and recline until your back hits a solid, warm chest. Katsuki grips under your knees and pulls your thighs back towards you.

You steady yourself by hanging onto to the blonde’s forearms, biting your tongue when Shouto crawls forward. He settles on his knees, stroking his cock as he tilts his head and gawks at the place Katsuki disappears inside you. Gaze flickering over your pussy on display just for him.

“C’mon Shouto, what’re you waiting for?” You encourage him, the anticipation racing down your spine. You involuntarily clench around Katsuki and the blonde hisses when he speaks.

“God, Shouto hurry the fuck up.”

Shouto does hurry the fuck up.

He steadies his cock head against your pussy and begins a leisure press, sliding in in in until you’re completely filled.

They both allow you time to adjust, whispering praise and toe curling, filthy sweet nothings into your ears.

Katsuki is unable to move in his position underneath you both, so Shouto takes control. He helps the blonde support your thighs and essentially fucks you both with deliberate and brain melting thrusts until Katsuki cums first with a choked off cry of Shouto’s name.

Shouto tells him how pretty he is like that and the blonde buries his face in the back of your shoulder.

You’re quick to follow when Shouto curls his hips just right and then your pussy’s suffocating him. You’re scratching at his toned chest and arching your back, leaving angry red lines near his collarbone.

Shouto falls over the edge just knowing he pushed you both to your peak.

As you all soak in the hazy afterglow, you try to catch your breath, leaning your entire weight on Katsuki’s chest as Shouto gingerly pulls his cock out.

“Get the hell off me, my legs are falling asleep,” Katsuki complains playfully. You smack his thigh sharply in retaliation and he laughs.

“Fuck off, I’m going.” Delicately you sit up and rise off him, rolling to the side and flopping onto your stomach with a wariness about how sore you’ll be tomorrow.

You’re unsure what happens next, drifting off until you wake up later in the night clean and with an oversized shirt on again.

You recognize this one as Shouto’s.

Grinning to yourself you turn and check on both men to find them out like lights.

You settle back down between them right where you belong and sleep better than you have for weeks.

[hyewka]

can i suggest a fic where beomgyu is helping take the reader’s mind off a bad breakup…. by fucking the living SHIT out of her NDJDNDJDJDJ

while i fuck you straight | c.bg

warnings; hard dom best friend!gyu, sub!reader, unprotected + pullout method, breeding kink, a spank or two, praise + degradation (mostly praise), slut shaming, rough marking, a tinge of possessiveness, friends w/ benefits, no romantic feelings involved (or are there?), ruined orgasm, princess pet name, beomgyus an insatiable manwhore lol, needy perv gyu with a lot of spit play, fingering, titty sucking hehe, literal messy filth and also barely proofread on my end

a/n; have to thank jazmine with all my heart for proof reading and giving suggestions, i love you so much 😭 @heart2beom this shouldn’t be a big deal as it is, but it is my first time writing full on dom beomgyu so it is this mini celebration for me and all the dom!gyu enthusiasts (i hope) 😇 reblogs are appreciated, keeps me going

You held your phone above your face, scrolling mindlessly through your socials, though subconsciously, you were really just awaiting a call from your boyfriend. Well, now ex-boyfriend. It's already been a week since you got dumped but no matter what went down that day, you couldn't get over him.

It was pitiful every time you jumped up from your bed at a notification just to find it was in fact not your ex asking to take you back and ...just a random spam email.

Beomgyu had his back against your bed, legs sprawled on the floor, also on his phone. You guys had run out of things to talk about when every conversation spun its way back to your ex- Seen that new marvel movie? You wanted to watch it with your boyfriend. That professor just got fired! You remember your boyfriend used to complain about that class. Gosh, you don’t think you’ll ever get over him.

"You're miserable." Beomgyu suddenly brings up.

You groan, as you repeatedly refresh your feed. "Gee, thanks Beomgyu. That definitely doesn't make me ten times more miserable."

He lets his head fall back on your bed, looking up at you through an upside down lens, abandoning his phone. “No, like truly miserable. I’ve never seen you so up and dry and…sober. Be young, live a little.”

You narrow your eyes at him, looking past your phone for the first time in a while. “…You talk like you’re 80 years old, about to retire and wallow in self pity, having experienced all there is to life. Thanks Gyu but no thanks.”

“I’m an old soul Y/N.” He says patting his chest, and you roll your eyes. Not necessarily refuting it, it’s his entire personality. “Where’s the chick I used to know anyway. The old Y/N would’ve been over this in a day with a quick hookup rebound.”

You finally put your phone down, staring up your ceiling. He was totally right. Who else would be right about you if not Beomgyu? But you don’t want to think about your old self, or you’d start sobbing again. Not like you were a totally great person, but that person wouldn’t be so stuck on someone. Anything but being the lovesick, doting person you would’ve made fun of just a year ago. God, he really changed you hadn’t he?

You kick your feet, whining, falling into the abyss of treasured memories. “You don’t understand, he was different, he—he was the one, you know?”

He ponders for a bit, room silent, staring at you through his soft lashes, and you think that maybe he’ll give it you; sympathize and understand that grieving was the entire process of a first love. The silence is suffocating when finally, he lets out a light scoff, cutting through it. “No, no I don’t know. Bet you just got soft.”

“God, fuck you Beomgyu.”

He grins his stupid grin that the situation definitely doesn’t call for, “You wish.”

You think if he wasn’t with you through thick and thin for the past four years, you would’ve definitely developed some sort of hatred.

You could visibly notice a lightbulb spark above his head with the way he immediately sits up straight. “Hey, hey wait.”

You tentatively watch as he turns his back away from you, laying both his arms on the soft cushion of your mattress. “I think I might’ve just had the best idea ever. Of the century. The idea of the century.”

“I highly doubt that.” You say, blindly feeling the surface for your phone already.

“Just hear me out,” he whines noticing your eagerness to dismiss him. “But also don’t freak out or anything. Promise me.”

You stare at him, hesitant before you give in to his doe eyes. Sighing, you say: “Okay. I promise I won’t ‘freak’ out. What’s your groundbreaking idea?”

“We should like… fuck.”

Your brows are slow to raise, the rapidness of your blinking at what you think you just heard—no, not think, know. Beomgyu’s voice, loud and clear with his diction, your eyes widen at the final click of it all. Before you know it, you’re reaching for the pillow behind you, flinging it at him with all strength.

It’s like he predicted it prior, dodging one… and then another as you throw all remaining pillows on your bed. Instead of missing with your last one, you decide to hold on to it, and attack him with it. His smug demeanor of successfully dodging everything just a second ago, dissipates as he takes cover for protection. “Are you fucking—are you crazy?!” you yell exapserated, more than awake with your wide eyes.

“Ya! You—you promised you wouldn’t freak out!” When that doesn’t stop your mania with the damn pillow, he decides to lay it all out with as much speed as he can’t seem to escape your wrath. “You want to forget him don’t you? I mean, you should! He dumped you, it’s over! Sulking over him is—Ow! So out of character for you—fuck—I promise a one time fuck would get your mind off him.”

Your pillow is mid air, and Beomgyu opens an eye to peek, hands still in protection mode—you sigh, landing a weak hit on his head before loosening your grip. You do want to forget. You’d do anything to get rid of what you’re feeling. But…

“It—it wouldn’t change anything for me. If that’s a worry. You know that no matter what, you’re my best friend.” He finds his footing, collecting himself, looking at you with intensity you could date back to just a few times over the course of your very long friendship. “Someone I care about. I can’t stand seeing you hurt and not being able to do anything. You know that.”

You bite down on your lip, staring at the familiar boy with his familiar brown bed of hair, and his familiar eyes, lips…How fast did he get you to actually give this a thought? Probably a minute or two. Beomgyu had a way with convincing you to do …anything. “I…know. But what if, what if I’m still head over heels in love with him? What if it doesn’t change anything for me?”

A grin gradually takes over his face, one that is once again, not fitting for the situation. “Why—why are you smiling like an idiot? This is—”

“It’ll change.”

You knit your brows together. “What?”

You don’t notice the way Beomgyu’s hand slowly inched to yours but suddenly, his palm was over your hand, squeezing it just a bit. “Having sex with me is a once in a life time opportunity. You’ll forget him. I promise.”

If you weren’t so lost in his eyes, as cliché as it sounds, you would’ve been completely taken out—probably a joke on his sheer confidence because who just says that? But he’s so …hypnotizing as you don’t even take notice of the ‘okay’ that leaves your lips.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.” You exhale, “Okay. We’re adults. This won’t matter in a few weeks. Let’s do it.”

Beomgyu doesn’t hesitate for more than a few seconds before he was on your bed, crashing his lips on yours, a brief taste of strawberry lip balm, knocking a breath out of you until he slows down, testing the waters, then he stops, noses brushing against each other as he searches for something in your eyes, breathing already heavy, “Is this weird? Was that weird?”

You gulp looking down on his already glistening lips, and you nod. “The—the situation, not …the kiss. Fucking your best friend is an odd situation. The kiss…the kiss was good.” You ramble, your voice barely a whisper but he catches it anyway as you take notice of a small smile before he’s kissing you again, hands once cupping your cheeks already moving down to your tits, ministrating gently—every bit of his action seemed careful, too careful for what you know of the things your friends had told you in heated rants and swoons.

Half of the dictionary could be used to describe Beomgyu, and promiscuous was not an exclusion. You could probably say you already fucked him with the headache inducing details about what being with him in bed was like. Which is why you’re nervous as hell right now. From what you know, Beomgyu was… a lot. More than you could handle now, after an entire year of keeping yourself to one man.

“Jaehyun was worried about you. Was worried about what you’d do to me.” You blurt out randomly when Beomgyus’ moved to peppering feathery kisses along your jawline. He hums against your skin, then stops for a second to whisper, “He was?”

You could feel the smirk on his lips, opening his mouth a tiny amount to slightly suck on your neck at the process of your words—of course Beomgyu would get an ego boost from this. “Why?”

Beomgyu is practically suffocating with how little space he’s giving you, body flush against flush, your chest heaving the rougher he increasingly gets with his marking, his sly hand down to rub between your thighs, right at your core.

“Said you only wanted to get into my pants—h-ha shit, slow down, slow down Gyu.” You were getting teary eyed by his increased speed, friction against your sweats getting you wetter by the second whenever the pad of his finger teased your slit. “You know he—he asked me to stop hanging around you b-because—”

None of this was new to Beomgyu, your past boyfriends have always been worried about him for the exact reason—that he’d convince you to let him fuck you, because apparently women can’t have male best friends without it being more than platonic. But …you guess you aren’t really proving them any wrong now with the way you were letting him have his way, marking messy purple splotches all over, in hungry predatory manner, getting rougher and rougher by the second. You gasp when he abuses the same spot he just visited a few seconds ago, “Beomgyu!”

“Because?”

He presses on your aching core, pending you with the question. He didn’t seem as happy as he was with his smugness prior. “Because he thinks you’re a sleaze.”

An incredulous— mean chuckle from the back of his throat and suddenly his hand was down your panties, abandoning the long game of teasing in matter of seconds. He doesn’t touch you though, which only proves to make you more insane. “That’s dumb. Do you think I’m a sleaze?” You shiver, his deep voice so close to your ears, breath fanning against your cool skin—your eyes could go sore from how hard you’re shutting them closed.

You refuse to give it all to him, it makes you feel embarrassed and small. A new, foreign feeling you never thought you’d experience with Beomgyu of all people. “I-in some ways, yes.”

Not a satisfying response from you, he clicks his tongue like you were a misbehaving child, “You’re really annoying, you know that?”

You don’t get a chance to retort before you feel the pad of his finger prodding your pussy, then moving to gather your wetness.

Suddenly, he freezes his movement, pulling back from your neck, looking at you with an amused glint to his dark eyes. “Shit, you’re fucking drenched. And I barely did anything—”

You think he’s making fun of you so your cheeks quickly flush red, already putting up walls of defence but then he kisses you in the heat of the moment, wiping your frown away and you’re finding yourself reciprocating without a second thought—the kiss so sloppy and messy, string of saliva connecting your lips when he pulls away out of breath. “Fuck, that’s so hot princess. You’re so hot.” He breathes in awe of the spit—he truly is the biggest perv.

“Spread your legs for me.” he groans, trying to get better access to your pussy. You obey, admittedly a little slow, but who can blame you? It feels embarrassing regardless of who, but it’s ten folds with your best friend. “Moreee.” he whines, and god you wish you could slap him—can he not see that you’re trying?

“Beomgyu—“

Your voice gets cut off, gasping when he takes it upon himself to pull down your sweatpants with a quick swift motion, taking it off completely, revealing your patterned underwear—and god, now you’re hiding your face…everything was so embarrassing. He takes a second to examine the wet dark spot right in the middle, proof to what he felt earlier, but then you kick your feet. “Stop staring freak!” you shriek.

You can see through the cracks of your fingers the smirk he has on, looking at you with so much intensity you think you’d melt. He reaches out to grab your hand and put it down, even through your resistance, you couldn’t match his strength to your dismay. “I wanna see your face. Have to let me see you fall apart on my fingers like a little slut.”

You’re scandalized at his wording, your cheeks once again quickly heating up. But you let him part your timid legs anyway, big hands gripping the softness of your thighs, spreading your legs as much as he possibly could, to the point you felt yourself cramp up. But even with whines of protest he doesn’t ease up—bunching your panties to the side, impatient when finally he inserts a digit—experimental with his movement before you hear him groan out a curse. “You’re so tight holy shit, did he even fuck you?”

“Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t wanna know.”

Your senses are already overflowing, you could feel his hard on, his erection pressed on your bare skin, you’re hyper aware of the finger inside you—slender and slow with expertise as he pushes in and out, talking to you as if you could respond with anything more than restrained mewls. “Maybe dating him was good, then you had to be monogamous and not whore around with every guy you laid eyes on like you used to.”

“I-I never whored around—shit.” He suddenly speeds up, a merciless grin spread on his face—did he find messing with you funny?

“Yes you did. It was a new guy every…it was weekly, wasn’t it?”

You shake your head at his accusations, tears brimming when his mouth finds it use, suckling harshly on your nipples through your flimsy top—your body extra sensitive with the way you spasm on a singular finger. He pumps in two without warning and you yelp, hand reaching out to grab at his hair. You swear you could cum just from the stretch. “Stop denying it, you’d do anything for dick. I’m surprised you stayed so long with that bitch. Was he any good?”

One thing you won’t do is tell Beomgyu details of your sex life with your ex. You refuse. But Beomgyu is stubborn, and he isn’t one to give up so easily. Especially if he feels like you’re withholding information from him. “Tell me.”

“I’m not telling you anything.”

He raises his eyebrows in mocking shock, “No way. He never made you cum?”

Your nostrils flair from pure embarrassment and shock. How’d he know? You quickly try to control your expressions, masking it to not give him a hint that his guess was right, but he knew you too well. You hate that. Especially now.

“Can’t believe you’re hung up on a man—fuck, baby are you close? Hung up on a man that never made you orgasm—shit,” He breathes, rubbing his clothed dick on your thigh, getting off at the sight of your face. You really are falling apart. “Don’t worry princess, I’ll take care of you.”

You tighten your hold on his hair, feeling yourself get close as you grind down on his fingers, chasing your high, choosing for your sanity to ignore all his sweet talkings.

“Gyu, gyu I-I’m gonna—No—no-why? God, fuck you, you’re such a—such a dickhead!”

Beomgyu just ruined your orgasm by completely taking out his fingers, you could practically cry out of frustration and yet he didn’t seem the least bit sorry. Instead, he makes a show of licking his fingers, the ones he just had in you, swirling his tongue and sucking them clean while making direct eye contact. You cower a little but still keep your eyes on him. Now you aren’t sure if you could stay as bitter.

You blink rapidly to collect yourself, because holy shit, you’re getting weak for…Beomgyu. “Why’d you do that? I was close Gyu.” you say exasperated.

He unbuckles his jeans, “I said I’d take care of you, just trust me.” Zipping down his pants, he’s quick to drop it down to his knees before completely abandoning them on the floor.

He flings his cock out of the restrictions of his boxers and you’re practically drooling at the pretty sight. He isn’t the biggest you’ve seen but he definitely has the girth—his tip leaking pre cum down his length, hands trying to lube it with his spit. “Beomgyu, condom.”

“I don’t have one.” He breathes, already on you as he lays wet kisses down your collarbones before he gets irritated with your shirt and takes it off, revealing your bare tits. “God, you’re so sexy.” He drawls, sucking hickeys all over your chest in hunger.

You wish you didn’t have to, but you resist his touch and in turn he lets out an annoyed whine, his voice vibrating against your exposed skin. “Beomgyu, we can’t—we need a condom.”

He sticks out his bottom lip in a pout, the cutest you’ve seen him this entire day. “I’ll pull out, I promise. Please, I need you right now.”

In that moment of weakness, his tone so needy, as if he really did need you made you feel some sort of power—like you were the hottest, sexiest woman in the world. And so you bite your tongue, and trust Beomgyu to not ruin your life. You’ve done that quite a few times.

“Swear you’ll pull out.”

“You don’t trust me?”

“I do.” You say with conviction. “I do, obviously. It’s just-”

“I know. Take a breather for me. Said I’ll take care of you, didn’t I?”

You could feel him lining up to your entrance, his tip prodding your hole, and you’re already getting desperate. “I did, didn’t I?”

“Yes.” you breathe.

“Stick your tongue out.”

You do, not sure what to expect until Beomgyu spits, letting his saliva slowly fall down in your mouth. “Swallow.” he demands, his low voice making you shiver—dark eyes watching every twitch of your face intensely.

You gulp his saliva down your throat, obeying and suddenly his expression morphs into lust you’ve never been met with before. You don’t even get to process it for longer, bask in the attention you’re getting before he’s pressing your thighs to your body, pushing into you with a deep groan—filling you up to the brim, your cunt not prepared for the aching stretch. You can feel each vein against your walls, you can feel his slight twitching, you can feel everything. “Fuck, fuck you’re made for me. You’re perfect—shit, you’re perfect princess.”

“Gyu—” you cry out, gripping the sheets under you. It was too much, too much for him to already start slamming his hips. “Gyu what—” you’re cut off by your own moan the moment he hits your g-spot, your face scrunched up, hot as you let out lewd sounds with no control of your own, throat strained already. It's not a surprise he manages to find it on his first try, despite it catching you off guard with the sudden wave of pleasure.

“Should’ve fucked you sooner. Get your little pussy molded just for my dick. You would’ve liked that, right princess?” He breathes out in a long winded babble, his hips unrelenting with each thrust, already quickly building up to be in erratic speed. Through your blurry vision you could see his eyes focusing down on the jiggle of your breasts lewdly, drool trickling down the edge of his lips, the brutal slapping sounds of them from his roughness getting his head light with ecstasy. You’re more than aware of what he wanted to do when he lets your legs rest from the ache of angling them so high. Dirty pervert.

You can’t handle him playing with your tits again, you were too sensitive for anything more than you’re getting but you can’t find it in your throat to say anything before Beomgyu gives in to his lust, leaning down to attach his mouth to your sore nipple. Abusing it as he suckles harshly, muffled moans against your breasts.

His pace getting quicker, clearly getting off from sucking your nipples like a dumb baby. It was getting you embarrassingly close, your pussy clenching around his dick. “Princess. My princess is so—mmf—so perfect.”

“Stop calling me that.” You manage to squeak out. Hes been using that nickname the entire time, and though it was easy to ignore everything else, the nickname was affecting you more than you’d like to admit.

He detaches from your tits, slowing his movement, looking up at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Huh? Princess? Why?”

“He—he used to.”

He blinks a few times before his lips draw into a sneer, clearly irritated and you’re about to backtrack, but it’s too late. Your eyes fly wide open, breath stricken when he, with no mercy, picks up his speed again, drilling his dick so far into you, you think there’s probably a bulge showing through your stomach—its when you let the tears stream down, let yourself go as he fucks you dumb with each sharp thrust serving as a punishment. But for what exactly? For mentioning your ex? Did he hate him that much?

“You can replace your memories of him with me princess. I know you can do that, I’ll make sure you do. You’re my princess, and I’m the only one who can call you that. Remember that, yea?”

You nod up and down, and he leans down to give your lips a peck, one then two then three until he loses it and it starts getting heated, tongue messily intertwining, spit exchanged in desperate action. Drilling his dick in and out your sopping pussy, squelching pornographic like sounds filling the room—you think you’re screaming at this point, mind too clouded to be fully present. You’ll definitely hear a word or two from your neighbors.

“Fuck princess, are you close?” he hisses, “I’m close too, so close. Tell me when you get there baby, okay?”

You manage to nod, pressure quickly building up

Suddenly you feel him force in a finger in your pussy, stretching you out to unimaginable degrees. “B-beomgyu—I’m cumming, I’m—” your panicked hands at the intense feeling reach out to grab at his chest, crumbling his shirt’s fabric, using the last bit of your strained voice to moan his name, your orgasm so overwhelming you genuinely start seeing white, body shaking as you try to calm yourself down. “F-fuck.” you breathe out.

The way you still clutch onto his arms pushes Beomgyu to his high too, quick to pull out of your gushing pussy before a mistake happened. It takes only two strokes before he’s spurting his seed all over your tummy, biting down a groan, obsessively taking in each inch of your body’s ruined state.

He did this. He ruined you.

The only thing filling the room being the heavy breaths of you both, Beomgyu’s hair plastered onto his forehead from sweat, yours disheveled, a complete mess. Suddenly, a notification ding goes off, and your attention’s snapped to your side. “It’s my phone.” You awkwardly point out, noticing the light before reaching your arm to get it to you.

He doesn’t move from his position, still practically hovering over you. But you try not to focus too much on it, instead taking a quick look at your notification.

Your brows twitch in surprise at seeing the message on your lock screen. Fuck, it’s your ex! Did he want you back? So miraculously? After fucking your best friend?

Without any thought, you unlock your phone, trying to skim where the ellipses left off. It was a long message and—

“We just fucked. Can’t you wait a few minutes before going on your phone— Are you texting Jaehyun?” His warm smile turning to utter rage gets you stuttering.

“No I—well—yes, but—” you fumble on your words, not knowing how to explain—not knowing why you feel like you should explain, but Beomgyu isn’t one to play around clearly, as he snatches your phone from your hand and throws it to god knows where before your body’s turned around like it was nothing to Beomgyu, like you were some ragdoll. Pushing your hips up to have your ass up in the air with your face pushed into the sheets. “B-beomgyu wha..—”

Slap. Your whole body jerks at the impact of his hand, feeling yourself get teary eyed again. “Beomgyu what the hell?” You shriek, trying to squirm from your position, your ass burning. Then you get another slap, and your legs start to shake, bottom lip wobbling at the painful feeling of his rings.

“I promised you I’d make you forget him. Clearly one fuck wasn’t enough to get your mind off that asshole.”

Your panic only lasts a millisecond at feeling his tip for a second time before you’re abusing your throat again at the oversensitivity of having Beomgyu’s dick slam into your pussy, fucking your juices back in. He’s rougher now, ten times rougher. Maybe this was what all your girlfriends were describing to you, the feeling of having Beomgyu’s dick rut into you like wild feverish dog, fucking you like all you are is a pair of limbs, just for him to hound.

You can’t think straight, not a single word coming out of your mouth is intelligible, all slurred together dumbly as he ruthlessly digs his fingers in your hips, helping you find rhythm, your body reacting on its own as it syncs with his thrusts, moving your hips enough for him to let a hand go to the back of your head, further pushing you into the mattress, drool messy staining your white sheets, loud muffled wails filling the room.

“Fuck, you like this don’t you? Getting fucked like a bitch?” your hear him growl. You don’t know what comes out of your mouth, you don’t know anything right now, because you are being fucked like a bitch while thinking like one too, your nose running with your tongue uselessly out like something out of a porno. “Should I breed you like a bitch too? Huh? Will that make your pretty little head forget?”

At that, you cum again, and he sneers, a mean laugh at noticing your orgasm, “You want me to breed you princess? Make you round with my seed?” he drawls each vowel mockingly like you were a dumb kitten and he had to explain a really simple concept—still ramming your cunt, not giving you a fair chance of responding.

That’s how it goes for you’re not sure how long, Beomgyu switching positions to have your leg draped over his shoulder as he fucks you to oblivion, making you orgasm over and over again, before you really feel like you had blacken out at some point only to find yourself waking up to him still going at it—your entire body sore, down to every inch, your nipples especially swollen from all his sucking. He never cums inside you, instead emptying his load all over your body, making you basically a show of his dried semen.

You trust him, even when his tendency to go far never died down no matter how much he got older. “You awake?”

You flutter your eyes open, a dark room, and Beomgyu. His face is abnormally close to yours. “What happened?” your voice comes out very strained, your throat hard to use. Great, you entirely lost your voice.

“Think I might’ve had my balls in…too deep.”

Even a chuckle hurts every bone in your body, holy shit, how were you going to go to work tomorrow?! “Hey, don’t move around too much, I already cleaned you up. Just try to go back to sleep.”

“I don’t feel sleepy. I can’t.”

Beomgyu suddenly giggles, you could make out the cute small thing he does with his lips when he does. “What?” you ask.

“Your voice sounds funny.”

You groan, rolling your eyes. Of course he’d find it funny. Maybe next time you should peg his ass and see how he’d like to not speak for an entire week.

You feel his all too familiar hand laying on your cheek, and you subtly gulp. You don’t know if he heard. He probably did with how close you guys are, noses practically brushing against each other, his breathing all your hearing can pick up. “You know I’m always here for you, right?”

You nod, until you realize he might not be able to see you properly. “Yes.”

“Good.”

He takes his hand off your cheek, then turns on his back, folding his arms over his chest, staring up the ceiling. So the room won’t fall into an awkward silence, you say: “I have a question.”

He shuffles a little on the bed, letting out a hum in acknowledgment. “What was the I’m perfect for you thing about? We’re definitely not like, compatible or anything.”

He laughs before he turns his head to you in disbelief. “Are you serious? Is that a serious question?”

You nod, “Do I not sound serious?”

“No, you sound like you just had the best fuck of your life.” You roll your eyes in good nature, though exasperated, you were exposed to too much of his ego in one day. If you had the strength and will to come up with something to level his ego down, you would. “It’s called dirty talk if you must know the term fair maiden.”

“God, you’re so silly, I’m going to sleep.” You withstand your pain to turn your back to him, groaning with each movement. But you can’t escape his wrath it seems, because he almost immediately snakes his arm around your waist, chin resting on your shoulder, his heartbeat all you can here against your back. “Can’t I find you perfect? You know, like…my dream girl. My princess.”

You rapidly blink a few times trying to process—past the deep rasp of his tired voice that you found yourself incredibly attracted to— his words and how it brewed big unfamiliar emotions, knowing now you won’t be able to get a blink of sleep after this.

“Can I keep calling you that by the way? It really sticks.”

Oh god, the last thing you’re going to do is self sabotage yourself even more and get yourself in a stickier situation than you already put yourself in. “No, that’s definitely staying in the bedroom.”

a/n: i have no idea how this reads, its basically bare of any editing so if the flow is a little choppy i sincerely apologize, i write at the golden time of 10pm-2am 😭

[worldlxvlys]

running

part seven of the CRUSH series

bsf! matt sturniolo x reader

warnings: angst, cursing, mentions of sex

a/n -> read the previous part for context !!

ever since the day he apologized, matt had been acting weird. there was a very obvious tension between us, but neither of us said anything about it. his brothers on the other hand, were quick to point it out.

“ok, what’s up with you two? did you fuck again, or something?” chris asked, earning a quick hit and an incredulous look from nick. matt just rolled his eyes, answering with a brief “no”, before turning in the direction he came from.

he was distant and quicker to anger than he usually was. it seemed like the smallest things set him off, he was just so mad. his recent attitude has made me quite distant myself because being around him wasn’t very enjoyable.

he had his moments where he seemed like his usual self, but for the most part, he was miserable. of course i was aware that this was partially my fault, as right after our conversation about the night we slept together his entire demeanor changed.

i felt terrible, and i wanted nothing more than to help him feel better. but i tried to figure out what was wrong, and he just pushed me away. i wanted to be there for him, but he was a grown man at the end of the day. if i did or said something to upset him, he needed to communicate what that was.

so for the past week, we didn’t hang out unless it was with his brothers. we barely spoke two words to each other, and he couldn’t even look at me on the rare occasion that we did. i tried not to let it get to me, but he was supposed to be my best friend. now he couldn’t even be around me ?

MATT’S POV

just when i think i can’t possibly make things worse than they already are, i prove myself wrong. i somehow managed to completely drive y/n away, and now i couldn’t even look at her.

every time i saw her, i felt the shame and guilt eat away at me. i’ve treated her terribly for the past week, and now she couldn’t stand being around me.

at first i just wanted a little bit of distance, because i knew that the second i felt her soft fingers on my face or watched her plump lips pull into a smile, i would be gone. she’s constantly running through my thoughts, and i have no way of stopping it.

every day chris made these sly comments about how i should make a move on her before someone else did, and that pissed me off. his words constantly rang through my ears, and it made me paranoid.

every time she smiled at her phone and typed away at her screen, which was happening a lot more often recently, i got more and more annoyed. i did my best to push it down and ignore it, but it always seemed to make things worse.

whether she was talking to someone or not, she was growing more and more distant by the day. i found myself missing her when she was in the same room as me, which made me realize just how bad i let the situation get.

i decided to go over to her house to talk to her, knowing i had to clear the air. and that’s how i ended up here, standing at her doorstep anxiously, trying to gain the confidence to knock.

before i could force myself to do it, her door swung open. i must’ve looked like a deer in headlights, my eyes widened as she caught me off guard. she let out a chuckle at that, “i saw you on the doorbell camera, i thought i’d just make this easier for you”

well that’s embarrassing. “you saw that whole thing?” i asked, hoping it wasn’t true. when she nodded her head in response, i closed my eyes shaking my head slightly as i cursed myself. “it’s ok, matt. it was cute” she spoke, a small smile on her face.

i felt my face heat up while i prayed she didn’t notice the deep shade of red that my face turned at the comment. “come on” she motioned to the inside of her house, choosing not to comment on my flustered state.

READER’S POV

when i moved to the side to let matt in, i caught sight of a small paper bag in his hand while he passed me. he led the way to my room, pushing my door open and making himself comfortable on my bed.

“i was thinking we do a movie night?” he asked hopefully, emptying the bag of its contents; an array of different candies, snacks, and a drink for each of us.

whenever matt and i had a disagreement, our way of calling a truce was to have a movie night. we would take the time to talk it out and end off the night with cuddles and a movie.

“sounds perfect” i told him, grabbing the remote and moving to sit across from him. i passed him the remote when i felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. i pulled it out, opening it to see a text from the guy i’ve been talking to for the past week.

dylan 🤠

hey beautiful ;)

what are you up to ??

y/n ⭐️

abt to watch a movie with matt !!

“what movie should we watch?” matt asked, but i was barely able to register his words as i read the next text.

dylan 🤠

matt is your best friend right ?? i thought he wasn’t talking to you ??

y/n ⭐️

yeah movie nights are kinda like our way of calling a truce yk ??

dylan 🤠

ohhh i get u

y/n ⭐️

wbu ??

dylan 🤠

oh yk just texting this girl rn

a lil nervous tho ngl, she’s drop dead gorgeous

wayyyy out of my league

“hellooo? you gonna sit there and text all night or are we ever gonna talk?” matt’s annoyed voice pulled my attention away from my phone.

“hold on, i’m talking to someone right now. just give me a sec” i spoke, looking back down to my phone.

y/n ⭐️

who could you possibly be talking about 🤨

dylan 🤠

your mom :)

y/n ⭐️

that wasn’t funny

dylan 🤠

i laughed

y/n ⭐️

well that makes one of us

i watched as the three dots moved on the screen, before my phone was roughly pulled out of my hand. “what the fuck, matt ? give it back” i yelled as he moved it out of my reach.

i quickly moved over to him, climbing over his body to reach for the phone. he was quick to throw my phone onto my carpeted floor, grabbing my wrists before i could move to get it.

“who was that?” he asked, looking up at me. “none of your damn business” i answered. “considering you’re too busy looking down at your phone to talk to me, i’d say it is”

i let out a dry chuckle at that, “now you wanna talk ? that’s new. usually you just bottle up your feelings and throw a hissy fit instead of telling me what the issue is” i spoke, glaring down at him. my phone vibrated on its spot in the floor, but i ignored it.

“why are you trying to pick a fight?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed. “i’m not, this is what it looks like when you act like an adult and talk about things. i know that might be a little foreign to you” i jeered, his face dropping at the comment.

when i heard my phone vibrate again, i went to go pick it up, but was stopped as matt’s hands gripped onto my waist firmly, pulling me down onto his lap.

“look, i obviously hurt you and i’m really sorry for that-” he started, stopping as my phone continued to vibrate on the floor. “who the hell is blowing up your phone like that?” he started, starting to become annoyed again.

“it’s no one” i answered.

“who is it?” he posed his words as a question, but it sounded more like an order.

“nobody”

“why are you lying?” he asked, receiving a sigh from me. he just wasn’t gonna let it go.

“it’s just this guy i’m talking to” i answered. before i could even process what was happening, matt had flipped us over so that he was the one one top.

“what’s his name?” matt asked, his hands tightly clenching the sheets on either side of my head. my eyes trailed down to his tatted arm, watching as it flexed when he shifted his weight onto it.

“his name doesn’t matter” i answered, willing myself to look anywhere but at his lips. it was tempting, the short distance between us making it hard to focus on anything else.

“is there anything you can tell me about him?” matt asked.

“yeah. he’s not confused.” i answered without thinking, the words slipping out before i could stop them. “he’s made his feelings for me clear” i finished.

“his feelings? he’s only known you for…what, a week?” he asked, tilting his head at me. “he knows what he wants matt” i shrugged, “do you?” i asked.

the question seemed to catch him off guard, as he didn’t utter a word. instead, his eyes dropped down to my lips for a split second, jumping back to my own eyes quickly.

“don’t do that” i stopped him, “don’t look at me like you want to kiss me. we both know you don’t” i told him, turning my head away from him.

he was quick to place his hand on my cheek, moving my face so i was looking at him while he spoke. “why would you think that?” he asked, his eyes softening.

“why would you keep running away from me if you did?” i asked, trying my best not to show how hurt i actually was. i blinked back the tears i felt beginning to form, taking a deep breath.

matt picked up on my shift in mood, immediately moving to sit next to me. “fuck, i’m sorry. i’m sorry” he whispered repeatedly, pulling me into a hug. “it’s not on purpose, i swear. and it’s definitely not your fault, the last thing i ever wanted was to hurt you” i cried silently in his arms, his hands squeezing my waist tightly.

he pulled away to look at me, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. “is there something wrong with me?” i asked, needing an answer to the question i’d been asking myself constantly throughout the week. why? why was he avoiding me like the plague? what did i do to deserve this?

“of course not. this is my fault, it’s not you. i’m just confused and i have no clue what to do. i don’t know what i want, and i didn’t know how to deal with-” he stopped abruptly, like he was about to slip up and say something he didn’t want me to hear.

“i just didn’t want to hurt you while i was figuring out my shit, so i distanced myself from you. i know it was wrong, but i didn’t know what to do. and then i realized you were talking to someone and it just made me so mad, but i shouldn’t have taken it out on you”

“you’re jealous? matt, it’s not like he’s replacing you. he’s just a new friend” i pointed out. “i’m right here, i’m still your best friend. and you can always talk to me about anything. you know that, right?” i asked.

“yeah, i know. but are you sure you’re just friends? you said he has feelings for you” matt spoke, looking down as he spoke the last sentence. “is he the only one?” i asked bluntly, tired of beating around the bush.

matt’s head snapped up at the call-out, his lips turning upwards into a small smile. “i-” he was cut off by his phone ringing in his pocket. he looked like he wanted to continue, but i stopped him, “just answer it, it’s ok” i nodded to him, watching him pull it out.

“it’s chris” he sighed out, before hitting the answer button. while he spoke to chris, i heard my own phone vibrate on the ground. i glanced over to matt, who was fully engrossed in his conversation, before grabbing it off of the floor.

i opened it to several unopened texts from dylan, but the last one is what stood out to me;

dylan 🤠

hey, you home? i’m at your door ;)

what the fuck? he knew i was home, i told him that matt and i were having a movie night.

i glanced over to matt, as he hung up the phone. “he was just asking if i wanted anything from target” he informed me, putting his phone down.

he noticed my widened eyes, his face filling with concern, “what’s wrong?” he asked, walking towards me and placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

“um, my….uh-” i was cut off by the sound of the doorbell ringing. “here, i’ll get it for you” he spoke, walking out of the room before i could stop him.

“wait, matt-” i started, a few feet behind him. by the time i caught up to him, the door was already open, matt and dylan were face-to-face with each other.

“hey, i’m dylan. you must be matt” he almost seemed amused at matt’s confused face.

“hey, baby” he spoke to me, earning a cold stare from matt as he realized who the man in front of him was. his jaw was clenched tightly as he turned his gaze to me, his eyebrows raised.

shit.

hehehe

masterlist

tag list: @lustfulslxt @flowerxbunnie @sturnssx @mattslolita @its-jennarose @sophssturn @bernardsleftbootycheek @queen161718 @cupidsword @imwetforyourmom @nickmillersn1gf @mattsneezing @chrisstankyleg @sturniolobltch @bethsturn @bernardenjoyer @mbbsgf @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @ssturniolo @blueeyedbesson @mxqdii @sturniolowhore @readerakayourname @defnotayonna @urmom2bitch @rootbeerworshiper @starsturniolo @hearts4chriss @theyluv-meee @carolinalikesthings @itzdarling @chrisstopherfilmed @judespoision @sstvrnioloo @littlebookworm803 @nicksdrpepper @chrisloyalgf @robins-scoop @fandomhopped @chr1sgirl4life @bbglmfao @55sturn @nickgetsmewetter @meg-sturniolo @yamamasjumpercables @vanteguccir @ineedchriscock @junnniiieee07 @breeloveschris @luverboychris

[sleepyeye17]

Is this yours?

Words: 768

Warnings: None

Summary: There’s a bra in Steve’s back seat. He has some explaining to do.

“What’s this?” Lucas says in the back seat of Steve’s car. “Ooooooh it’s a bra!”

Steve looks in the rear view mirror and his eyes go wide.

“Shit.”

Eddie turns around in the front seat to see Lucas holding up an enormous bra. It takes a moment for the implication to hit, and then it punches him right in the nuts. Fuck.

“Don’t touch that, Lucas,” Steve growls. 

“Steve had a girl back here,” Dustin crows. 

“I did not!” Steve says. “Put that down!”

“This is huge,” Max says, grabbing the bra from Lucas and feeling the enormous padded cups. “Jesus what is this, an F cup?”

“Who’s the lucky lady?” Lucas asks. 

“Who do we know with enormous tits?” Max says. She holds it up to herself. “Dustin, is this your mom’s? Ow!”

They’re all laughing and smacking each other and shrieking. Eddie looks out the window and tries to put on his most aloof face.

Steve and Eddie have only been hooking up for a few weeks, and neither of them have said that they were exclusive. If Eddie had assumed, well, that's on him. Always the idiot, and matters of the heart are no exception. He fell in love with Steve like it was breathing. He should have known that King Steve would have a whole flock of women to choose from. Eddie is clearly just an experiment. It wouldn’t be the first time. He’s had a few partners in the past who believed that they could be with a man once and get it out of their system. Eddie is usually happy to oblige. But he really thought that this was different.

“Settle down back there, okay?” Steve says. He’s bright red, and clearly irritated. “It got mixed up in my laundry at the laundromat. Jesus, get your minds out of the gutter.”

The kids calm down a little bit, and they’re friends again by the time Steve pulls into the arcade. Eddie is about to follow them out of the car, but Steve reaches out and touches his arm.

“Wait, Eddie. Can we talk?”

“Sure. Whatever.”

Eddie looks wary as he sits back down. He sneaks a glance at Steve, who’s still bright red. Eddie knows that Steve does his laundry at his parents’ house, and the bra is clearly too large for Steve’s mother.

“I can explain–” Steve starts, but Eddie cuts him off.

“You don’t have to.”

“I didn’t–”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Steve looks surprised and almost a little hurt.

“Doesn’t it?”

Eddie shrugs.

“We never said we were exclusive.”

Now Steve definitely looks hurt.

“I thought– Well. No. I guess we never did. Have you–” 

“If you have another–”

“I don’t–”

“I just want to know–”

“I don’t!”

“--so I can get tested–”

“The bra is mine!”

That stuns Eddie into silence. He stares at Steve for a second, but Steve can’t meet his eyes. Steve is looking at the ceiling, biting his lip and blinking fast. His fingers drum on the steering wheel.

“Sorry, what?” Eddie asks.

“I’m not– It’s just a thing. It’s just something I do on some weekends. There are these performances. Like shows. On the first Saturday of the month, in Indy.”

“Do you…” Eddie is trying to wrap his mind around this. “Are you a… A woman? In your heart?”

Steve shakes his head fast.

“I don’t think so? I’ve thought about it, and I’ve talked to some people. I still like being a guy, and I like my body and I feel good as a man. But sometimes… I dunno. I just want to be…” Steve gestures vaguely.

“A queen,” Eddie finishes.

“Yeah.” Steve sniffs hard. “I’m sorry. If this is too much–”

Eddie lets out a surprised little giggle, then covers his mouth. Steve looks miserable.

“Sorry!” Eddie says. “I’m not laughing at you. It’s just… God, Steve, you really couldn’t be more perfect.”

“Don’t fuck with me,” Steve snaps.

“I’m not! I’m not, I swear. I thought you were seeing someone else! Fuck, man, this is better than my wildest fantasies.” 

“Really?” Steve has a gentle look of hopeful surprise on his face that’s so open and vulnerable it makes Eddie want to bite his own fist. 

“Yes, really. What’s your name, then?”

“What?”

“Your drag name.”

Steve smiles shyly and bites a fingernail. Eddie wants to cry, he’s so pretty.

“It’s still in progress, okay. So you can’t laugh.”

“Okay.”

“Connie Cushion.”

Eddie gasps like Steve just dropped to one knee and proposed.

“Concussion!?” 

“Connie Cushion, yeah.”

“Can I… meet her some time?”

Steve bows his head, rubbing the back of his neck and beaming.

“She’d like that.”

[catboybiologist]

March 2024 documentation and transition journal

Just got my levels results back, meaning that the doc is fully updated for March:

This is possibly one of the most exciting and interesting months of HRT since starting, because I've experimented around a lot with injection doses, so let's talk about that! I'm also slapping a couple of old pics in here for reference, so I'll slap some selfie tags on this.

So, lots of interesting HRT stuff. At my last levels check, I was on 4mg injectable EV a week. And… my E actually went down, even though that’s an effectively higher dose than my previous regimen (6mg sublingual/day). Because of this, I talked with my provider, and essentially she told me to fuck around. I probably was way looser with it than she wanted me to be, but she told me to go to 8mg/week maximum, and try and settle on 6mg/week minimum. So….. here’s what I did.

1 week of 8mg.

2 weeks at 7mg.

2 weeks 6mg, during which my levels were checked at mid.

I… can’t really advocate for this. Basically, my logic was that I wanted to see what it felt like to max things out, but have my actual levels check reflect what I’m like at 6mg to know if increasing or maximizing the dose beyond that is necessary at all. Ultimately, I’ve concluded that 8mg feels too high- I start getting a bit of headache and nausea at peak. 7mg feels very comfortable. 6mg, I felt fucking miserable at trough. When I was on 4mg/week, I used a couple of sublingual pills to try and get through that, but I tried to see if I could stop doing that. It went okay for the higher doses, but on 6mg… ugh. Felt like complete shit. I’ll def be using a couple this week to get through that, probably just 4-6mg sublingual on wed/thurs to make sure I’m feeling okay.

Oh. Also. I ditched Spironolactone, against the advice of my provider. 

I was getting really, REALLY irritated by the diuretic effects, so I quit it when I tried to 8mg dose just to see what would happen. I figured that 8mg would be more than enough to suppress T on its own (likely true), and so I thought it would be the best time to try that. And… when I stopped spiro, a depressive haze that had been in my head lifted very quickly. I thought it was just depression based on a rough past couple of months, and that’s probably true, but it also felt physical. The diuretic effects have also stopped, and I genuinely can’t imagine going back on spiro.

I’ve heard a lot of theoretical stuff about spiro potentially being able to inhibit growth and development. It's possibly a growth hormone inhibitor, but should be a more potent antiandrogen than anyone else. It’s…. Really hard to say whether spiro actually inhibits growth. As with a lot of transfemme physical developments, there’s never been a comprehensive, conclusive study on it, which is why its relegated to miscellaneous anecdotes that everyone will swear one way or the other on. I’ll have some opinions on this later.

So what improvement to my levels did I get out of all of this?

Well…. Good, but nothing radical. My midcycle estrogen is 159 pg/mL, which is about my target for trough. It’s a good step up from the 4mg dose, but I’m probably going to increase to 7mg/week- that felt fine to me, and I’m pretty confident that that’ll be the dose that nails it. I’m pretty deadset on going forward with that, I would just need a levels check to verify we’re all good there. (Side note, I’m a bit frustrated that my body literally seems allergic to just… stuff. Idk if I have an overactive liver or what, but my T crashed super easily, adderall consistently lasts shorter than it should, and my E is really struggling to go up.)

And did this result in any physical improvement? 

I actually think that this last month has been the single fastest month of physical development I’ve ever had. Here’s some things I’ve noticed:

My breasts have become much larger and more developed in relation to my chest, with a much better shape. Comparison pictures to even just the end of January show a wild difference (sorry, not posting that publicly). To be fair, though, I’m still pretty clearly in tanner 2, and I maybe want to wait for just a bit more development before I start progesterone. 

Waist measurement is still going down, and hip measurement is still holding steady. This means that, in effect, my hips are getting wider.

And this is one of the most exciting ones- my upper body seems like its getting smaller. I’m floored by this. My underbust is less, my chest looks noticeably less barrel-y, and my ribcage kind of “flows” into my waist better. I wrote a bit about this on reddit just now, but I think I know what’s happening here. Not only is fat burning from the sides of my chest as it builds on the front of my chest, I actually think my costal cartilage might be getting “tighter”, effectively pulling my ribs a bit closer in to my sternum

I have…. No way to confirm the hunches of that last one, other than the images I can show. So for educational purposes (and y’know. Making the funny women in my phone type funny syllables) Here’s a quick timeline where I think you can see the “barrellness” of my chest decreasing:

From left to right, we have September (0-1mo), December (3-4mo), March (6-7mo)

Don't worry, my shoulders are just as wide and athletic dyke-y.

Am I delusional? Is this anything? Maybe. Pictures are hard to make consistent with changes this small. But I do feel like its noticeable, and it seems like women’s cut shirts and tanks have fit me in a way that’s a lot more consistent with a cis woman’s body. Again, there’s also nsfw images, and I think they show a lot of progress, and I think I can pretty definitively say that this has been the single month with the most physical changes since, well, my first month back in September. 

Why did this happen? Well, I’m working with a sample size of one here, and multiple variables have changed at the same time. There’s really three things that could be happening: increased injection dosage, ditching spiro, or the general come and go of physical changes. It’s impossible to completely know what’s going on because of this, unfortunately- I’d need way more data. That said…. This is the first new “wave” of development I’ve had since I started, and my actual blood levels didn’t increase that much. I really, really don’t want to conclude anything, but I’m kinda thinking that spiro had something to do with it. It has broad effects on physiology which aren’t entirely characterized, that could easily theoretically be inhibiting generic growth and development. That said, I think starting with a strong antiandrogen is basically necessary for HRT. It’s extremely difficult to get E levels up without robustly inhibiting T first. Obviously don’t take this as medical advice, or even a scientific opinion. This is nothing more than a hunch.

Idk. I’m happy. I feel like I finally am starting to break through the progress stall I’ve been growing increasingly frustrated with. And I think getting the proper injection dose actually worked to break through it. I’m feeling a lot better with my transition in general too. I won’t elaborate much here, but I’ve been coming out to a lot more people, and its been tentatively going about as well as I could ask. We’ll see what the future holds, but I’m excited about it.

[daichislover]

nice to finally meet ya (Law AU)

warnings: talks of injury (broken bones/sprains), going to the hospital, swear words

summary: After Luffy's latest injury, you end up having to take him to the hospital, a place you usually avoid. Amid the chaos, you meet a handsome and somewhat annoyed doctor who makes a strong impression. Perhaps hospitals aren't so terrible after all.

word count: 950

“Can you please bring him-”

“No.”

You had just stepped through the door of your shared home with Nami and Robin, shoes still on, when the sight of Luffy sprawled out on the dining room floor caught your eye. He was cradling his right arm, a grimace playing across his features. Before a single question could escape your lips, Nami was by his side, hoisting him up with a determined grunt and steering him in your direction.

“I’ve brought him to the hospital the last two times, and now it’s your turn. Just this once, please?” Nami's plea came with a look of desperate hope, which quickly faltered under your incredulous stare. How had your evening taken such a chaotic turn?

“No way; you know I can’t stand hospitals! Are you out of your damn mind?” You then turn to look at your idiot of a best friend. “And you—what happened to staying out of trouble? You couldn’t keep out of harm's way for even a week!” 

Luffy responded with a sheepish grin, his injured arm held awkwardly. “I really thought I could nail that backflip off the table. I'm fine, really!” His attempt at a reassuring thumbs-up faltered pitifully.

In this past year alone, Luffy has been taken to the ER six times. Four of those times were for broken bones and sprains from trying random tricks off of furniture, and the other two times were for ingesting something that he shouldn’t have. In his defense, those wax melts did look uncannily like macarons.

Before you could even protest, Luffy was already out the door heading towards your car. With a resigned sigh, you snatched up your keys and purse. A last-ditch effort to deploy your best puppy-dog eyes at Nami failed miserably as she simply chuckled, nudging you out the door with a teasing, “Say hi to Law for me.”

As the door clicked shut, you paused. Law? Who in the world was that? With a shake of your head, you followed Luffy, the evening suddenly promising more surprises than you’d bargained for.

********************

Twenty minutes after arriving at the hospital, you're sharply reminded of why you avoid this place. The sights and sounds gnaw at your weak stomach, making even the mundane task of filling out Luffy’s paperwork a trial. You briefly consider abandoning him for the solitude of your car until his discharge, doubting his ability to stay out of further trouble on his own.

As what feels like an eternity drags on, Luffy's name is finally called. You seize the moment to escape to your car, but Luffy grabs your arm, pulling you back with a mischievous grin. "Where do you think you're going? You’re coming with me!"

“No, I only agreed to bring you. You’re going to be just fine. I’ll just be waiting in my car-”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why are YOU here again?”

You spin around to find a tall, dark-haired man with piercing gray eyes glaring at Luffy, who seems entirely amused by the man's annoyance. What is going on? You wonder if this is-

“Another failed trick, but at least Nami isn’t the one dealing with me this time!!” Luffy says and pulls me next to him “I brought someone else with me today.” He says with a grin. “Actually, I’m the one that brought you here.” you whisper as you pull yourself out of his grasp. You find yourself locking eyes with the dark-haired doctor, noticing his piercings and… are those hand tattoos?

Feeling your cheeks warm, you hurriedly direct Luffy forward. “He decided to become a gymnast in my dining room and didn’t think of the consequences of his actions, so here we are.” you say to the doctor. The man just sighs and says “Alright, both of you follow me. Let’s get this over with.” Before you could protest, Luffy was already dragging you along.

Inside the treatment room, the array of medical tools does nothing to ease your discomfort. As you sit ruminating on how Luffy can ever make this up to you, the doctor’s voice snaps you back to reality. "I'm guessing you’ve managed to avoid these hospital trips before, huh?" He’s wrapping Luffy’s wrist but glances at you as he speaks.

“Yeah, I guess so” you reply with a small smile. What is happening? Why are you getting so shy all of a sudden? The doctor hums in acknowledgement, then adds, "I remember Luffy mentioning a friend who’s not fond of hospitals."

You sit there in shock. Luffy has talked about you to this handsome man, but you haven’t known about this man’s existence until tonight? Maybe you should’ve listened to his hospital stories in the past. Maybe you could’ve met him sooner-

Stunned, you realize Luffy has talked about you to this doctor, who you believe is Law, whose existence was unknown to you until now. Shaking off the surprise, you respond a bit awkwardly, "Uh… I wouldn’t say I’m afraid… just not a huge fan." Law chuckles softly, then continues his work. 

As he finishes and begins cleaning up, he sternly warns Luffy “If you come back any time soon, even for a slight sprain, I’m kicking you out.” Luffy, ever defiant, cheerfully yells “Thank you Law! You’re the best. Can’t wait to come back!” and runs out the door. The doctor, whom you just now realized is for sure Law, calls after him in exasperation, then turns to you, his expression softening. 

"You're good to go as well. Sorry you had to bring him. I’m Law, by the way," he says, extending his hand. You shake it, introducing yourself in return.

Law smiles warmly. "It’s nice to finally meet ya."

a/n: this is my first post on tumblr (yay) and my first time writing fanfiction in years (double yay) so pls be nice! this is also not proofread :)

'til next time!

[starryyskies]

Lil update in case y’all care ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) 

I’m moving from my shit apartment starting the beginning of august, and my current semester ends near august 13th. My next semester starts almost 2 weeks after (classes start on the 22nd but it’s good to get it started earlier since most classes open early).

Hopefully by then I’ll be moved out, feel more organized and less stressed, and manage my time a bit better.

Classes are going well despite being super fucking stressful, I’m at the very least passing for now lol

But as for drawing, besides that one doodle I finished and coloured, I haven’t been able to do anything at all. It really disappoints me because I see all this amazing art and my fomo (fear of missing out) gets so bad lol. But I am being responsible and doing my best (╥ᆺ╥；)

Thank you guys for your support and kindness and understanding ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)

So in case you’re curious my struggles currently read below lol

So, the place I work at, my store is a corporation and we’ve been basically getting babysat by managers from other stores who are also watching their own store, getting paid a shit amount for creating and maintaining not just the scheduling for both stores, but also managing any issues that arise. So we’re on our 4th manager now, and while he’s the sweetest and fucking raddest manager of all times, he is doing the bare minimum for our store. And trust me, I do NOT blame him. To be honest, he is getting paid salary for being a manager of his own store, and it’s like 56k a year or something which isn’t bad at all. But watching a completely different store?

75. Dollars. A WEEK?! That is LITERALLY a slap in the face. That is the CEO saying a big ass fuck you to its employees. So of course he’s doing the bare minimum. Coping and pasting parts of the schedule, he never comes into our store, and while he’s attentive when it comes to issues, he’s our only source of upper management support we have.

We have workers who have worked with the company for 3+ years, 8+ years, and 20 years. They know what they’re doing, but when I am running the shift by myself, I can’t rely on my coworkers to get back to me, because they are not obligated to.

So the schedule is pretty awful sometimes. Sometimes we’re over staffed when we could’ve used the help other times, sometimes we’re severely understaffed. Like for example, today was a shit show. We had 3 people during our busiest time. (I work at a coffee shop) and so we have one person on register who also takes care of the food and packs the deliveries, and then one person on the coffee bar is not enough to handle the amount of drinks they get, so I was basically running back and forth to support both positions while also making sure my coworkers got their breaks. Icing on the cake was when we realized it was way too hot inside the cafe and learned our AC is broken AGAIN! It was 84 degrees before I left work. That is miserable running around taking care of hot drinks and food.

This is something I deal with at least 2 times a week

While also doing school work full time, having a strict deadline to follow to submit assignments (thankfully it’s all online so I can be somewhat flexible)

And on top of all of that, I’m moving in 2 weeks, school finals will be going on by then, and life has been kicking my family in the ass.

My step dad, who I’ve know since I was 6-7, he’s been that second dad to me, I think of him as a hero. He unfortunately has been diagnosed with single cell lung cancer. It had spread to his ribs and femur. While he’s still fighting and going through aggressive treatment, I’m not sure what the outcome will be. He’s putting on a strong face, so I can’t tell how serious it is.

My grandfather is also in the hospital. He’s had a heart condition that requires him to wear an AED pacemaker in his chest, and recently it was used because he had a seizure. He’s not doing too well, and who knows what will happen.

Oh! And my older sister’s wedding is IN TWO MONTHS! I’m the damn maid of honor, and I do nottttt like the attention. She’s the kinda person who likes big fancy weddings but she’s doing her best financially to make it happen, though she also was promoted to manager for her store (we work for the same company) and going through that crazy long training is surly not fun lol.

But anyway, thanks for reading my rambles. Sometimes I feel like nobody really cares but I get reminded that there are people out there who are wondering how I am. So this is for you people

(⸝⸝ᵕᴗᵕ⸝⸝)₊˚⊹ ᰔ

[armandisdaddy]

Femmé Fatale-Modern Au!Chp.2

[Pairing: Aemond Targaryen (Married Businessman) x Fem Reader ( Secretary) ]

[Content/Warnings:!!18 PLUS!!, Lust, Tension, Adultery, Toxic, Domestic Violence,p in v penetration, Biting, Hair pulling, oral masc receiving,Violence, Obsessive, Stalking, Mentions of infertility and Swearing. Arguments and talk of mental health.]

Working with Y/N was nothing short of the word intense. Aemond hadn’t touched her for the past few weeks feeling remorse and guilt for what he had did to Alys and getting away with it only made his conscious make the decision to stop it all together. Y/N on the other hand was beginning to get a bit frustrated it would’ve been different if he sucked at fucking her and then his rejection would not matter. But he broke something within her that night maybe it was her sense of reality or decision making; either way she was losing her mind. How could he ignore her? It was obvious they had more chemistry than the both of them originally anticipated and somehow he was ignoring she even existed unless he needed her however.

She decided to waltz into his office locking the door behind before speaking in a hushed but irritated tone. “I’m trying not to cause a scene in here. Is there any reason why you get to fuck me only a few weeks ago and now you’re treating me like a pile of shit or like I’m the plague. Aemond stared at the paper he was working on not even daring to look up he knew those piercing eyes and plump lips would get him every time. “We cannot continue with this affair, Ms. Y/N. I admit I took things too far with you and I apologize for that. If you have any grievances I will compensate you on any way that you see fit. But, I love my wife…as difficult as things have been I love her and she needs me. I cannot betray her again.” He wouldn’t even look at her and listening to this shit falling out his mouth enraged her even more.

“You’re being fucking serious!? You didn’t seem to love her with you face between my legs…or when you fucked me sensless in the back of my car! You love her!?” It was a good thing his office was sound proof . “You’re pathetic…I know you still think about it. I can tell you still want me just like I want you. I’ve been thinking about touching myself to the thought of you inside me again.” She pulled the papers away from him and slid onto the desk sitting directly in front of him. The heels of her shoes digging into his thighs. Painfully so but he liked it. He could smell her perfume and groaned softly as the thoughts of that night flipped through his mind. She lifted his face up by his chin and he melted into her hand once he saw that face. “I can’t…” it almost sound painful for him to say, but his hands found their way to her thighs slowly pushing underneath her skirt.

She smiled slowly unbuttoning her top and he stopped her not wanting her to get completely undressed. “I don’t want to fuck right now…we don’t have time.” Her pulled her closer pushing her back against the desk pulling one of her heels off her pulled one leg from her stocking. Exposing her pussy that shined once the light hit the glint of her slick. “You’re horny from this little argument…me too..” he moaned kissing her inner thigh smelling the scent of her pussy. It was intoxicating. She whimpered feeling the soft kisses move closer to her folds. He lapped at her pussy hungrily sucking on her mound ravenously. Fuck he missed the taste of her. She moaned under her breath trying not to alert anyone of what they were doing. He was beginning not to care anymore. Everyone knew his marriage with his wife was strained and they could see he was miserable regardless of how he tried to hide it.

“Aemond please…fuck me I want it.” She begged and even though he was pushing it he could not refuse such a request. He pressed the button to talk to Grace. “Yes, Mr. Targaryen?” He put his finger over his lips to alert her to be quiet. “Grace I’m taking an hour lunch in my office. I’m not accepting any appointments or meetings at this time.” Grace responded and now that that was handled it was back to making Ms. Y/N a mess. “So you said you want me to fuck you, yes?” She nodded while she watched him pull his cock from his pants slowly stroking it while he stared at her in front of him. “Come here and let me see that pretty little mouth of yours.” He sat down in his chair and let her climb underneath the table between his legs. She grabbed onto his thick length and began stroking it before she placed soft kisses along the shaft. Taking him into her mouth and quickly into her throat his hand cupped her face while she looked up at him. “I missed that beautiful face…” she felt warm inside and her pussy was beginning to throb. He held onto her hair bucking up into her mouth occasionally. She was covering his cock in saliva making a mess and he loved every minute of it. He pulled her up and bent her over the table smacking her pussy harshly before he stood behind her.

“How am I to pay any attention to my work with such a naughty secretary, Hm? You’re going to have to let me get some work done, pet.” He held onto her hips letting his already spit lubricated cock ease into her tight walls. He hissed softly and she whimpered feeling that familiar stretch. That’s exactly what she wanted. “If I give you what you want will you behave, Princess.” She nodded comp-licitly. “That’s a good fucking girl.” His pelvis crashing into her ass caused a rhythmic clapping sound to fill the room and it was such a glorious sound. He pulled her up putting a deep arch in her back as he pulled her arms back picking up the speed. Her legs shook uncontrollably and she could help but scream his name over and over. “It’s okay no one can hear you keep telling me how good I fuck you baby.” She creamed all over his cock and without warning he spilled his seed inside of her. He pulled out looking at her stuffed hole it was beautiful. He turned her to face him and he pulled her in for a kiss. His heart was skipping a beat was he falling for her. No he couldn’t be not with how this started. But he was unfortunately and it was going to be the beginning of his ruin. She was become more attached in love herself. Only 30 minutes had passed and he decided he wanted to go another round before his lunch was over.

Later in the day the office was closing he had let Y/N know he had to go home. He had a business trip coming up and he would be happy if she joined him. She obliged happily and they kissed once he walked her to her car. Arriving home his nose was hit with the smell of food cooking and he was greeted by his wife with a glass of wine. She was wearing a wine colored dress and her hair was curled and placed just right. He hadn’t seen her like this in years what the fuck was going on? “Hello my love.” Her tone was sweet and inviting and if he hadn’t just drained his balls a few hours before into his secretary he would’ve took the invitation. But as soon as he was enticed he was angry… “You haven’t so much as looked at me in two years and now you’re doing what? Making an attempt to save our marriage?” She was taken aback by his reaction she knew things between them had been strained but she didn’t realize how dire the situation was.

“Aemond I was just trying to have a good night…I know I have been present as of lately…” He cut her off and laughed. “Present you have been totally nonexistent…” He shifted slightly and she smelled an unfamiliar scent lingering on him and something clicked in her head. “Who the fuck is she? Why do you smell like another woman’s perfume, Aemond?” He thought of what had just transpired before he got home and he smiled to himself turning back to look at her and the gaslighting began. “Even if I was cheating on you…could you blame me? I mean we barely speak to each other. I haven’t held you in 3 years..Alys!!! Three fucking heart wrenching years…of you acting like I don’t exist and I’ve been patient with you. Lying to the world about us going to therapy sessions, trying to talk to you so you can heal. I’m not even worried about the sex I just wanted us to start taking the steps to getting you back. And now when it seems that I could give to fucks about this marriage you want to pull this shit?”

He was right, but she knew something else was going on. She was growing tired of his woe is me tale and threw the half full wine bottle at him screaming to the top of her lungs as his crashed into the table behind him. The glass broke and the tint of red was every where. “Do you think I wanted to be depressed for 3 years? I know I wasn’t doing my best but do you understand how it feels to be told we will never have kids…I can never give you that and I know more than anything you wanted children..I feel less than a woman.” He cut her off again downing that glass of wine. “No you’re wrong remember I told you more than anything I wanted you…I needed you to be alive with me kids or no kids you were my everything. Now I see no reason for this…I have a business trip planned in the next few days. I’m sleeping in the guest room tonight.”

He went upstairs took a shower and went to bed thinking about the next 7 days with Y/N. While Alys was crying in the kitchen losing her mind. See since she had lost their child she wasn’t really sane. Her therapist due to patient confidentiality she wasn’t allowed to explain the extent of her mental state she just prescribed her with the proper medication and it seemed like she was still depressed, but the psychosis she was experiencing was beginning to spiral out of control. Aemond had felt some remorse, from his actions tonight but his pride wouldn’t let him apologize he’d already gone too far with Y/N with their argument tonight. At this rate he was thinking of divorce it would be best for everyone in this situation . Even if Y/N and him didn’t last at least he’d be free.

To be continued…

Taglist- @dc-marvel-girl96 @namelesslosers @kckt88

[lucidlivi]

Chosen For Pleasure (VIII)

Series Masterlist/Warnings

Tag List: @ladysparkles78 @suckitands33 @little-x-wolf @stoneyggirl2 @creative-writing92 @jc-winchester @mrsjenniferwinchester @lessons-of-red @jamerlynn @deans-baby-momma @willow-sages @ritz-hell-hotel @perpetualabsurdity @mhessellund @itzabbyxx @chriszgirl92 @abbybarnesstuff @larrem88 @commonsenseishard @impalaspixie @notsogoofyjelly @hzllxhoundxx @taylortots-world (there’s so many of you now 🥹 thank you so much ya’ll don’t realize how much you hype me up! If you want to be added please send me a message or an ask so I can keep track of everyone!)

switching point of view, I will indicate the switch with italics

just a little fyi the secret of who leaked the information won’t be revealed yet so don’t come for me lol but to make up for it, Jensen’s story will be revealed…

Also I don’t know if I have to explain it but I will anyways my little ******* line indicates a time jump, I’m just too lazy to write up to that time…oops!

Anyhoo I’ll be quiet now, here’s the content you came for…

Jensen

I brought the bottle to my lips, chugging.

I was working on my seventh bottle of whiskey this week.

I don’t know why I care this much.

She isn’t the first girl I’ve ended things with.

Why did it feel so crappy this time?

“If I walk out this door I’m not coming back.”

Her words replayed in my head, cutting in to me like knives.

And she didn’t.

Not that I expected her too.

I messed up.

Again.

I brought the bottle back to my lips, collapsing on the couch. I heard the door open, but I didn’t care enough to check who it was. It’s probably Cole checking on me for the hundredth time this week.

“I want to be left alone Cole.” I growled taking a swig of whiskey.

“well too damn bad.”

I sat up meeting eyes with my towering best friend.

“how’d you know?”

“Genevieve, uh they talk, and then I saw the stuff online.” Jared said rubbing his neck.

“why didn’t you tell me?” He added, hurt crossing his features.

“I didn’t think I would feel this bad about it. Why do I feel this bad?” I asked setting down the whiskey bottle.

“it’s called heartbreak J, there’s about a million songs written about it… perhaps you cared a little more than you thought you did.” Jared said sitting down next to me, picking up the bottle of whiskey and taking a sip.

I huffed grabbing the bottle from him.

Jared grabbed the bottle back immediately before I could take a sip.

“Jensen we’ve been friends for years so I feel like I can tell you this. You need to stop living in the past, okay? Not every girl is going to be Elle. You’ve got to stop self-sabotaging. I’m sorry that the women in your life have consistently let you down, and that fucking sucks, but dude you have to move on from it. I can’t stand to see you lose a good thing in your life. Dude that girl was perfect for you. She was crazy about you, you could see it in her eyes. I don’t know if she leaked anything, but if she did I know sure as shit it wasn’t to intentionally hurt you. God damn Jensen the only one hurting you, is you, and I’m sorry but if you keep this up you’re going to end up miserable and all alone. ” Jared said taking the whiskey and dumping it in the sink.

Elle.

Hearing her name made me tense.

That’s why I don’t say it. Don’t talk about it.

miserable and all alone.

Exactly how I was feeling now.

God he was right. I was just miserable and all alone.

I sighed.

She’s not Elle, she was the furthest thing from Elle.

And I ruined it all.

“It doesn’t even matter now, I fucked up Jar, and I don’t think you can talk my way out of it this time.” I said putting my head in my hands.

“No I can’t. But maybe you can.” He said moving my hands away from my head.

“I doubt she’d even listen to anything I’d have to say. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“how about two words you’ve never said to anyone… I’m sorry.”

“and then tell her how you feel, how you actually feel.” He added.

“I feel like I’m falling in love with her, and it scares me.” I said feeling the tears brim my eyes.

“Jensen love is scary, god I was so scared to talk to Gen at first, don’t you remember? But I knew that she was my future, everything I had ever wanted, so I swallowed my fear and I went for it.”

“and what if she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore?”

“then at least you can say you tried.”

It was silent for a moment as I mulled over his words in my head.

“ also I just might happen to know where she’s going to be tonight.” Jared smirked.

I stood up smiling at Jared.

I’m going to get my girl back.

Reader

I don’t know what happened.

Ok I do.

I just don’t know how.

Stella was there to catch me as I collapsed.

She held me as I sobbed. Once I caught my breath, the words poured from my lips.

“I’ll kill him.” Stella said standing up.

I grabbed her hand pulling her back down to the couch. I needed her right now.

His words replayed in my head in a continuous loop.

this was never a relationship

It felt like one to me. I see now just how one sided that was.

I would never leak his information. I signed a non-disclosure. I wouldn’t be that stupid to go against it. Stella is the only other person who knew.

“you never talked to anyone about me and Jensen did you?” I asked hesitantly.

“you know I would never do that.”

I knew she was telling the truth. She would never do that to me.

“look we’ll find out who did this, but in the meantime…” she said escaping from the living room quickly.

She came back seconds later pulling out a carton of ice cream and two spoons.

“I’m not going to eat my feelings Stella.” I smiled just a little bit.

“Even if they’re chocolate chip cookie dough flavored?”

I sighed taking a spoon. Her smile grew as she opened the carton. We sat eating the entire carton, as I cried silently.

If I thought that was bad, work the next day was hell.

As soon as Stella and I walked in all eyes were on us… well me.

I could hear the murmurs of gossip about my love life. I could feel my breath becoming shallow and quick. Everyone was staring at me.

I turned around to run out but crashed right into Gray.

“hey what’s the matter?” He asked grabbing my hand to pull me up.

I couldn’t control my erratic breathing. I was feeling a panic attack coming on.

He pulled me in to his office offering me a glass of water. I silently thanked him sipping it while trying to regain a normal breathing rhythm.

“I’m assuming this is about the paper.” Gray asked tossing thee paper on his desk.

Oh great of course he’s seen it too.

Unease filled me staring at the picture of Jensen and I on the front.

“Gray.. I” I started to defend myself but he cut me off.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain it to me, so you’re having a fling with him, who cares what other people think right?”

“I’m uh not, not anymore.” I said biting my lip to stop the tears.

“Follow me.” Gray said grabbing my hand and pulling me back out of his office.

He stood in the middle of the office, I went over and cowered behind Stella.

“Excuse me, it has come to my attention that there has been some unprofessional conduct in this office, if I hear anyone talking about certain situations, you will be reprimanded. Thank you.” Gray said offering me a small smile.

I think that just made it worse.

I rested my head on my desk debating on banging it off it a few thousand times.

Fuck my life.

“don’t worry, it’ll die down in a day or two, look I’m sure Taylor Swift will do something new and exciting and people won’t even think about you.” Stella said.

I raised my head sending her a glare.

“right not helping.” She said.

Stella was right.

By day two it had died down.

By day three it was a few murmurs.

Day four it completely disappeared. 

Now a week later I was back to being a nobody.

Except to Gray.

It was strange. He brought me coffee every morning, checking in on my well being. Today was no different.

“how are you this morning?” Gray asked handing me a mug of coffee.

“better thank you.” I said smiling.

It was true.

Each day that passed it was getting better.

I realized I didn’t deserve any of that.

Jensen had some deeply rooted issues and that wasn’t my fault, yet I was the one paying for them. It wasn’t fair.

Stella and I weren’t any closer to finding out who leaked the information either, so that was incredibly frustrating.

“I have a surprise for you, follow me.” Gray said laughing.

I glanced at Stella before following Gray in to his office.

“close your eyes.”

I sighed hesitantly shutting my eyes. I felt something being placed in my hands.

“okay open them.”

I opened them seeing a ticket in my hand.

“uh it’s for an auction, I uh offered up two of your landscape photos, you’re incredibly talented and I think other people should see it too, who knows they might go for a lot of money.” Gray said smiling.

Wow.

This is what I had always wanted. My pictures to be seen by more people. I smiled and before I realized what I was doing I wrapped my arms around Gray giving him a hug. He was caught off guard at first but immediately hugged back.

“Uh thanks Gray, you have no idea how much I appreciate this.” I said pulling back.

“No problem, I’ll uh see you there.” He smiled.

Wait what was this?

Did I just accidentally agree to a date with my boss?

He must’ve of noticed my confusion.

“I’m uh one of the organizers.” He added with a laugh.

“Oh right of course.” I said embarrassed.

“Not that I wouldn’t like a date with you.” He said moving a little closer.

I felt the air getting caught in my throat. He was my boss. It felt wrong.

“I should um get back to work, thanks for this again, I’ll uh see you tonight.” I said rushing out of his office.

It was weird wasn’t it?

Why was he being this nice to me? I know it certainly wasn’t because Jensen dumped me. I was hesitant to go tonight.

What’s the worst that could happen though?

****************************************************

I stood off to the side sipping on a glass of red wine. A little black dress hugged my body as I looked around at the people in expensive suits and even more expensive gowns.

I was totally out of place.

I took a seat as the auction began. There were a lot of art pieces and photographs being auctioned off.

I looked at the pictures Gray chose. It was true they were some of my best, but I definitely didn’t think they should be up there, compared to the other pieces. Especially since the last piece just sold for 25,000 dollars. I was zoning out when Gray’s voice snapped me out of my trance.

“Our next two pieces come as a set. These beautiful photographs were taking by the beautiful (F/N) (L/N). I’ll start the bidding at 1,000.”

“1,000.” a man said holding up his paddle.

Holy shit. Someone wants to pay one thousand dollars for my photographs!

“5,000.” A feminine voice called.

Someone pinch me!

“10,000.”

Oh my god. I’m hyperventilating.

“15,000.”

If anyone bids any higher they’re going to have to pick me up from this floor.

“40,000.”

My entire world came to a pause at that moment.

I know that voice.

“40,000 going once, 40,000 going twice. Sold to Mr. Ackles for 40,000.” Gray grumbled.

I stood up quickly fleeing for the exit. I kept my head down, not wanting to see him. Of course as fate would have it, he caught up to me.

“(y/n) please stop.” Jensen said grabbing my hand.

I quickly rip my hand out of his grasp.

I finally look up meeting his eyes.

Woah.

He looks like he hasn’t slept in days, big dark circles lay under his eyes making them look lifeless. I felt kind of bad.

Hold up.

Why should I feel bad?

He didn’t feel bad as he screamed at me and kicked me out of his house.

“What are you doing here Jensen? Are you here to scream at me some more? Want to accuse me of anything else?”

I felt the venom dripping off of each word. He looked as if I slapped him in the face.

“I just uh, I want to talk.” He said fumbling over his words.

“Oh now you wanna have a conversation? Jensen you really hurt me.. you don’t get to do things just when it’s convenient for you.”

“I know I hurt you and I’m…. I’m sorry.”

Woah.

In the time that we were together, even when we fought before, I’m sorry has never left Jensen’s lips.

“You’re sorry?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for accusing you. I’m sorry for all of it. God I know I’m probably the worst person in the world and the last thing you want to do is talk to me but all I’m asking for all I’m begging for is one conversation. Please just come to dinner with me and let’s talk.” He pleaded.

Woah.

I sighed looking at him.

He looked like hell.

“Fine… I’ll go to dinner with you. But only because I’m hungry.” I huffed crossing my arms.

He smiled, putting his hand on the small of my back to lead me out. I quickly pulled away from him.

“oh no Ackles, you don’t have that privilege.” I said.

He holds his hands up in surrender, giving me a flirty smile. He opened the door for us to step out.

“(y/n) wait!”

I turned around to see Gray running towards us. As he got close, I didn’t miss the glare he sent Jensen. He stood in between me and Jensen blocking him from me.

“are you okay?” He asked grabbing my hand.

“yeah you know what I think I got it from here.” Jensen growled placing a hand on Grays shoulder to move him.

Gray shoved his hand off turning around to stare him down. They were the same height and their builds matched up pretty well too. This could be bad.

“I wasn’t asking you.” Gray spit.

“(y/n) come on let’s go.” Jensen said grabbing my arm and pulling me to him.

“don’t tell her what to do.” Gray shot back grabbing my other arm.

“STOP BOTH OF YOU! I’m not some possession to be won.” I yelled ripping my arms away from both men.

“I’m sorry.” Jensen quickly spoke up.

“I’m fine Gray, let’s just go.” I said nodding at Jensen.

Jensen glared at Gray one more time before leading me out. I once again pulled my hand away from him. I was furious!

“I can’t believe you talked to him that way… he’s my boss, you’re going to get me fired.” I growled stopping in the middle of the parking lot.

“yeah well he wants whats mine.”

“ha, whats yours? last time I checked you were the one that said this was never a relationship.” I sneered pointing between us.

“well I was wrong, I want to try again… for real this time… because I’m uh I’m falling in love you, and I never cared about any of this stuff until I met you. Fuck I just want to be with you.” Jensen said.

It was as if the walls he built were crumbling down.

“I want to believe you.. I do but, Jensen I can’t keep waiting around for you to let me in. It’s not fair how you get to shut down and push me away. You said some really hurtful things and now you want to pretend like it didn’t happen.”

He was silent as he stared at me.

Of course, shutting down like always.

I sighed and turned to walk away when his voice caught me off guard.

“there were two names.”

I quickly pivoted back around giving him a confused look.

“you asked me what was her name, the one that did this to me… there were two. Elle and my mother.” He spilled.

“come on Jensen not here.” I said pulling him to the car.

I pulled open the door to the back seat, sliding in with Jensen following me. I sat quietly hoping he would continue.

“Uh ok when I was young my dad decided he didn’t want to be a dad anymore and he left. I thought that it was all my fault. It really hurt my mother. Instead of coping with it, she turned to drugs, heroin for one. I didn’t know about it at first but then she started missing baseball games and picking me up from school. Dinner started to come from a box every night and it got to the point where I had to make my own. I fell down at baseball and broke my arm. I cried for my mom but she was too busy getting high that she didn’t notice. My baseball coach took me to the ER and when they couldn’t get in touch with my mom they sent police to my house. They found her with a needle in her arm. I was immediately taken from her custody, and placed with my aunt. I thought that once Mom got clean, she’d come for me… but she never did. Turns out she blamed me too. When I needed her the most, she wasn’t there. I desperately just wanted her attention and never got it. I guess that’s why I looked for that attention elsewhere. That’s when I met Elle. She made me feel like I mattered, like I meant something. I fell in love with her quickly, shared all of my firsts with her. I was so in love with her, I even proposed. I thought I was going to share my life with this girl. Now supernatural was just getting popular at this time. All of a sudden horrible things started coming out about me. I didn’t know where the tabloids were getting this information but none of it was true. It got so bad that they thought about recasting me in the show. One day I noticed Elle left her phone on the stand. I went through it and saw that she had been selling stories about me to the tabloids for money. She was also seeing someone else behind my back. She never loved me. She just pretended. I was heart broken. I felt like I lost everything. I swore from that day forward I’d never give a woman that power over me again, and that’s why I don’t kiss anyone cause then that means it’s real. And I’ve stuck to my word….up until now.”

I let Jensen’s words sink in.

No wonder he was the way he was. He’d been hurt badly by two women who were supposed to love and take care of him.

I didn’t noticed how long I sat there in silence until he spoke up.

“say something to me please.” He pleaded.

I looked in his eyes and saw they were misty with tears.

I didn’t say anything.

Instead I pulled his head to my chest, wrapping my arms around him in a hug. He quickly wrapped his arms around me as silent sobs escaped his lips.

We sat there in silence for a moment while we both collected ourselves.

“thank you for telling me that.. I’m sorry that people made you feel like that. I’m sorry that the person who was supposed to love you and support you didn’t, but Jensen not everyone is going to be that way. I know getting close to people is scary. I’m scared too.” I admitted.

Jensen picked his head up looking me in the eyes.

“I’m falling in love with you (F/N) (L/N).” Jensen whispered, leaning his forehead against mine.

“I’m falling in love with you too, Jensen Ackles.” I whispered back.

“can we please try again? I promise to be more open, I promise to work on my intimacy issues. I promise I will never hurt you that way again.” He pleaded.

“okay but one condition.”

“what’s that?”

“we take it slow.”

Author Note:

Awwe poor boy! who do you think leaked the information if not Stella? What’s going on with Gray? Hmm guess you’ll just have to come back for more!

Part (IX)

[enchantedflameandflower]

Glimmer 34/? Billy Butcher!

- Butcher didn’t make a sound, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from her. “I can’t make you the promises you deserve, Addison.”

Notes: More angst! (but don't worry ;) I wrote this quite a while ago, fyi. The chapter I posted the tease of is coming up soon!

Chapter 1

Previous Chapter (33)

_____

Chapter 34

The clouds were thick outside with a summer storm and the room was dark as pitch. Addi was sound asleep but she woke up immediately when he came in the front door of her apartment. Billy strode straight to the bedroom, but stopped short of the bed, silent, a forbidding silhouette in the darkness.

She knew. “I can guess why you’re here, can’t I.”

It wasn’t a question; just another broken-hearted truth whispered in darkness between two abysmally broken people. She hadn’t seen him in more than a week and now she knew why.

Butcher didn’t make a sound, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from her. “I can’t make you the promises you deserve, Addison. I’m a right fuck-up. I’ve got nothin’ to give anyone.”

“Billy…” Addison sat up slowly, the blankets pooling in her lap. “I’ve never asked you to make any promises.”

“Yeah and what kind of shit relationship is that?”

“I don’t know. But I think it’s stupid to try and fit in some pre-determined movie-plot-romance box. That’s bullshit and it’s not real. Real is messy. You don’t get to decide what I want.”

“I’m a killer,” he grunted. “Psychotic.”

Addison watched him in the dark, even as her heart cracked inside of her chest. “That’s not what I see. I see when you want to do everything you can for Ryan despite what happened. I see how you want the world to be better for people that are innocent. I see when you’re scared. I see when you so badly want to make the wrong choice, but you can’t. I see when you look at me with so much love in your eyes I feel like I must be in a dream. I fucking love you, Billy, more than anything, and it’s not enough. I wish I knew some way to make you happy.”

“The last thing I fuckin’ need is someone else dependin’ on me. Someone else to let down. It’ll be better if - if it never knows me.”

“That’s not true, Billy. It’s not. I know it’s not.” Despite how much she hated it, Addison could feel her heart hardening again, feel herself turning to stone, her instincts fighting not to be hurt again, not to care about anyone. “Every time I feel like we might have a chance there’s something to pull us away from each other again.” Addison shook her head. “After everything we’ve been through...” Her voice was so low she didn’t know if he could hear her, but he hung his head in response. 

“You won’t ever be safe long as I’m around. Not from anyone. Not even from me.”

Fire flared inside of her, replacing everything soft he had made her want to feel this past year. “Butcher look at you. You’re fucking miserable. Why do you do this to yourself? This idea that you have in your head that you have to be perfect or you might as well be evil is just complete bullshit.” She wanted to reach out and shake him but she didn’t. 

“I can’t be around a kid. Any kid. You know I can’t.”

“I don’t know that! Not at all,” she huffed, letting the frustration take over so she wouldn’t feel any of the other emotions that were fighting to swell inside of her.

“Ya don’t get it,” he growled, still staring at the wall, refusing to look at her .

It was clear there was a shit ton more going on than he wanted to tell her, but she was fucking tired of his excuses when all she ever wanted was just him.

“Then explain it to me, Butcher.”

He was silent for one minute, debating maybe, before he spoke the words she could have never imagined. “I took Temp V. And I killed Gunpowder. Beat the shit out of him then lasered half his head off.”

Heavy, ice cold dread flooded through Addison’s body at the enormity of what he was admitting, of what he had done, the pain in his voice, and the malice in his words.

“What the fuck are you saying Billy. You lasered -…are you fucking crazy?”

He turned to look at her then, a cold sort of fire burning in his eyes. “Yeah I fuckin’ am, that’s what I’m tryin’ to tell ya.”

“I can’t believe you… Temporary V?” she breathed, her voice cutting with shock and dismay. “What the fuck were you thinking? What if it went wrong, what if you hurt someone innocent? Or killed yourself?”

“That’s why I ‘ave to go.”

“So you’re just gonna leave? Disappear? Like a right fucking asshole, huh?”

He clenched his fist, the room was brimming with tension now. “You’ve always known what I am. This was never going to work.”

“You’re gonna do it again…you’re gonna take it again, aren’t you.”

Addison turned away, anger and regret and fear surging through her. How could he… How could he do this now?

“Do you know what I would do to have never had that vile shit injected into my veins?” she asked, fury and disgust coloring her voice now. “Do you understand how much it’s going to fuck you up? And this is is what you want?” she spat.

“It’s what I got to do.”

“What about Ryan?”

“Ain’t gonna see him no more.”

That was the statement that hit her harder than anything else he had said so far. “Butcher, how could you?”

He didn’t answer and she was sure the pain that little boy must be feeling now was tearing him apart.

“After everything he’s been through you would just abandon him?”

“I don’t want nothin’ to do with him. Or you, or…it. You were just a good time. That’s all.” A shadow fell over him, but it only made her angrier.

Addison scoffed. “Oh you know what? Fuck you, Butcher. Fuck you. I know what you’re trying to do. It might’ve worked on Ryan, but it won’t work on me. If you want to leave just fucking leave. You don't have to bother trying to push me away.”

He stood up then and Addison flopped back to the bed, turning her back to him, but he paused when he reached her doorway. “I have to leave the country.”

“I don’t give a fuck,” she snarled. “Just leave. You’re free. Is that what you’re after? Go fuck up your life as much as you want. In fact, go fuck it up as much as you can. Don’t bother coming back after you’ve done it. It’s over. We’re over.”

She had enough clearance to look up what he was doing herself if it was above board. If not…well it wasn’t her business anymore anyway and she didn’t care.

They were both silent for another minute then he turned and took one step back toward the bed, for a second she thought he was going to come to her, give in, but he stopped and then he left.

His heart was pounding. It never beat that hard.

Addison ignored him, fighting every fucked up emotion coursing through her, wanting to just feel nothing and she blocked the sound of his heartbeat from her head for good.

___________________

Don’t worry. We know they aren’t really done. But for story purposes they both think they really are. Please leave a comment or reblog if you can! Thanks for reading :) ♥

Chapter 35

[poppitron360]

I have a big big deadline coming up at work, and it’s been really stressing me out. However, instead of focusing on that (which is what I should be doing), my stupid, dopamine-chasing brain has been thinking about nothing but this singular piece of Valgrace fanfiction I’ve been working on for the past two weeks.

A lot of you requested to be tagged in it once it was finished so you could read it, based on this post that I made about it. So anyway:

@moonssong @lavenderfairiez @huntingrays @hazellevessque @onion-dishwasher @the-aro-ace-of-spades

Here you are. Go nuts.

Concept: Leo goes back to Texas after the War to get some closure on that miserable chapter of his life. Jason decides to tag along, but little does he know that this trip’s real purpose is to do more than just tie up loose ends…

CWs: Swearing, blood, lack of smut (they are teenagers)

I tried to write it so that it could be interpreted as a friendship thing if that’s what you want (although there is a lot of Staring Deeply Into Leo’s Sad Brown Eyes, and Holding Him Tightly In Jason’s Big Strong Arms). But no actual kissing or anything. I think “wanting to be there for someone” is a universal thing, so I tried to make it up to interpretation.

This is also FUCKING LONG (as this has been my main form of procrastination for the past two weeks), so you have been warned. Final Word Count: 5,934!

Valgrace Fanfiction: “Are you sure you wanna do this?”

Not sure on the name tbh. Lmk if you have any better ideas.

Leo took the window seat and Jason sat next to him. Jason watched as Leo leaned his head against the window of the bus and closed his eyes, breathing softly, his curly hair vibrating against the glass. There was no cheeky grin on his face. No playful twinkle in his eye.

“You look tired,” Jason mused.

Leo nodded, not opening his eyes, and breathed out almost inaudibly through his parted lips, the vapour from his breath making a circle of mist on the window. He looked utterly dejected. Jason examined his best friend’s features, taking in his sunken cheekbones, his pointed nose, his dirt-covered face. Only now did he realise how thin Leo was- his clothes hung loosely around his body, cinched in by his tool-belt and suspenders, but even those seemed disproportionately loose on his tiny frame. His arms and hands were bony, and covered in scars. Jason’s body was pushed up against Leo’s on the cramped bus seat, and he could feel the bones of Leo’s emaciated ribcage pressing against his side. He thought he truly saw for the first time that kid who had run away so many times, who grew up on the streets. He wondered how Leo had survived all those years alone- demigods weren’t supposed to make it on their own past thirteen, but Leo had been completely by himself for seven years. Jason couldn’t think what that might’ve done to him. What he’d been through. Leo never talked about the foster homes much, but Jason got the sense they had been rough- he had mentioned once about sleeping in a sewer. Jason studied the scars on Leo’s arm. He had scars too, they all did. But Leo’s seemed to tell a different story, more bleak and depressing, like he hadn’t always been able to fight back. There was nothing funny about that, Jason decided.

He reached out, and brushed a strand of curly hair away from Leo’s face. He didn’t flinch at the touch, and Jason wondered if he might be asleep, but soon he felt Leo’s hands slip into his, his bony fingers were gentle and warm to the touch- as if to say “I’m here. I’m okay.” His skin was rough and calloused, but Jason didn’t mind their lack of softness. He cupped Leo’s tiny hand in both of his own, as if to respond “I’m here too. It’s okay.” Leo’s fingers were completely covered by Jason’s big palms, and they wriggled against his skin, tapping out a strange arhymic pattern. Jason figured it was morse code, but he couldn’t translate it. He recognised the pattern as the same one Leo was always tapping out with those restless fingers.

“I can feel everything,” Leo whispered, weakly. His eyes were still closed. His voice was low and hollow and raspy, like it had lost all of its brightness. Something about the way he spoke had changed too- his vowels dragged out longer, his consonants became softer, more rounded. Jason could hear the warm tones of a hispanic accent seeping through, like Leo was too tired to hide it anymore.

“What?”

“The bus. I can feel all the machinery beneath us- the axels and pistons and gears and motors- it’s clouding my brain. No way I can sleep,” He explained.

Jason listened to the low hum of the bus engine as it bounced along the winding road. He imagined it must be a hundred times louder for Leo, who could sense every single moving part. He squeezed his hand sympathetically. No wonder Leo had trouble focusing all the time.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Jason asked.

Leo shook his head, his head still resting against the glass.

“Just promise me we’ll find a place to stop and rest soon,” He said.

Jason rubbed a thumb over the back of Leo’s warm hand. “Okay,” He assured him.

Leo nodded, softly.

They sat in silence, Jason watching Leo breathing. His brow would furrow with soft despair when the bus sped up, like the movement caused him pain. His breathing was shallow and weak, and Jason could feel his lungs expanding and retracting underneath his skin. Eventually, Jason rested his head on Leo’s bony shoulder and closed his eyes. His shoulder-blade was digging into his cheek uncomfortably, and the dirt and grime on Leo’s face was rubbing into his hair, but he didn’t mind. He breathed in Leo’s warm smell. He smelled like smoke. Woodsmoke, like a campfire. He smelled like the metallic aroma of rust and motor oil. It wasn’t usually a pleasant smell, but it smelled good on Leo. Just like the hardness of his rough skin felt good brushing gently against Jason’s palms. Everything about Leo was coarse and rough and dirtied, reflecting the gritty hardness of the forges and workshops he’d grown up with and surrounded himself with. Despite being so small and weak, Leo was by no means soft or delicate. Jason thought again about that little boy, skin and bones, growing up orphaned and alone. While Camp Jupiter had never really been caring or familial, it had still been there for Jason when he needed it. He’d always had safety, food, friends, a place to stay. Leo had had none of that. Suddenly, Jason felt a surge of protectiveness. He wasn’t gonna let Leo go through that anymore. He was gonna make sure Leo was safe, that he had food, friends, a place to stay. Yeah, you’re doing great at that so far, Jason thought, but he pushed the feeling down.

He leaned in closer to Leo and whispered in his ear.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?”

“Jason…” Leo whispered in return, “You know you didn’t have to come with me.”

“We’ve had this conversation, Leo. You shouldn’t have to be here alone.”

Leo tilted his head so that it rested against Jason’s instead of the window. He was silent for a long time.

“I… I’m glad you’re here, Jason.”

He really did sound tired.

Jason absent-mindedly traced the lines of Leo’s palm with his fingers. He heard the tires hiss and he sat up. They had arrived.

Huston bus station was about as grimy as Leo’s workshop, but with none of the charm or magic of it. It had low plasticky ceilings stained nicotine yellow, the grout in the cracks of the tile floor were peeling and cracking. Jason did his best to avoid a mysterious stain that looked suspiciously like blood, as Leo led him through the jostling crowd, pulling him by the arm. Once they were out onto the street, Jason nudged Leo’s shoulder to tell him to stop.

“Let’s find a hotel. I promised you we’d get you a place to sleep. We’ll talk game plan in the morning.”

It was hard to tell with the hot Texas sun beating down on them, but it was getting late.

“Yeah… I guess taking a sightseeing tour of the locations of the most traumatic moments of my life can wait until morning.”

The next morning came, heralded by the autumn sun.

“Can I just get these, please?” Leo handed the gum and the 6-pack of water to the man behind the kiosk. The tiny newsagent’s shop was empty except for them and a guy in the corner, looking at the chips.

“Hey, don’t I know you?” The shopkeeper asked.

Leo looked around nervously, “No, I don’t think so, partner. You might be thinking of that guy in the movies- Antonio Banderas. I’m told we look a lot alike.”

“No…” the guy said, squinting at Leo, “Wait- you’re that Valdez boy!”

A look panic flashed across Leo’s face, but he tried to keep his cool.

“Nah, man, you’ve got the wrong guy-“

“No- it is you. Boy, you’ve got guts showing your face here again. The police came ‘round asking questions ‘bout you, y’know? From what I heard, you burned down your mom’s machine shop and ran away. I’ve got half a mind to call the cops on you right now-”

He reached for the phone.

“No! Look- I don’t want any trouble, okay? Can we just buy these and go?” Leo’s eyes were pleading and desperate.

“You’ve got three seconds to leave my shop before I call the cops.”

“But-“

“GET OUTTA HERE, FREAK!!”

Leo ran. Jason ran after him, but not before turning and flashing his best raised-by-wolves death-glare at the shopkeeper.

“Hey-“ Jason said, finally catching up with him three streets away. Leo was a fast runner. “You okay? What that guy said-“

“It’s fine!” Leo said, his voice high-pitched and a little hysterical, “No big deal, just… no gum. That’s fine.”

Jason put a hand on Leo’s shoulder. He made his voice low and gentle, “Leo… this must be really hard for you. Talk to me.”

Leo shook his head, “We have to keep moving. Aunt Rosa’s house is this way.”

Leo led Jason through the busy Huston streets, twisting down roads and sidewalks. Suddenly, he turned a corner and stopped dead in his tracks so fast, Jason nearly ran into him. He was staring at a large brick building on the corner of the street. The sign above it read “Bookstore”.

“They… they rebuilt it…” Leo said.

Jason realised what he was talking about.

“This was your mom’s machine shop?”

“I c-can’t believe they rebuilt it…”

“Leo… it did burn down nine years ago,” Jason told him. Then, realising that that was probably not the best thing to say, he added, “I know this is hard. Do you need a minute?” After all, Leo had grown up here. Seeing his childhood home not only burned to the ground but rebuilt, totally erasing those moments, must’ve been torture.

Jason squeezed Leo’s arm comfortingly. Leo nodded, “Yeah… thanks,” he whispered.

Jason kept a respectful distance as Leo walked up to the building. He watched as Leo pressed his forehead against the bricks, his calloused hands gently caressing the stone, as if trying to remember the way it used to feel. He saw his fingers tapping out that message he always tapped. He saw Leo’s mouth moving, whispering silently to the building. After a while, he began to approach Leo, but then hesitated when he saw the tears in his eyes. But now, he was close enough to hear him. Leo was humming, softly. A sweet, lilting melody. He hadn’t noticed Jason was standing there. Jason watched as Leo drew a shaky breath, and began to sing.

Jason didn’t understand the words- they were in Spanish- but he could hear the roundness of the syllables, the way the vowels and consonants danced up and down, in and out. He couldn’t believe how right it felt, hearing Leo speak the language. Leo had a weird way of talking- the sentences would stop and start in jagged spikes, gliding rapidly right over full stops, and pausing right in the middle, like his brain was moving a thousand times faster than his mouth. His words felt odd and out of place. But now… Jason realised this was the first time he’d heard Leo speak Spanish at length- more than just a few phrases, under-the-breath insults, and frustrated cursing. He felt bad, eavesdropping on him when he clearly was never comfortable enough to speak the language around Jason, but man… it was beautiful. The sound of his voice was enthralling- tendrils of words wrapping around his chest and arms, softly caressing his skin. Jason felt warm inside, like he had just drunk a cup of hot chocolate on a freezing winter’s day. He wondered if Leo’s song had some sort of fire magic in it, filling him with comfort and homeliness, and a memory came back to him. Him and Thalia sitting at the hearth on Christmas day, watching the flames dance as they toasted marshmallows. The feeling didn’t flicker and die when Leo finished his song, either. Jason stood there, stunned as the last few notes hung in the air.

“Woah, Leo…”

Leo tuned, startled, snapping out of his trance. Something flashed in his eyes- Panic? Fear? Jason felt guilty. Leo was having a private moment, and he was intruding.

“H-how long have you been standing there?“ He asked.

“Just a few minutes. Leo, that was beautiful. Where did you learn-“

“A lullaby. My mom used to…” he trailed off, and looked at the building. Then, wiping his tear-stained eyes with the back of his sleeve, he said, “Look, can we go now?”

They stood at the bottom of the steps leading up to the door of Leo’s Aunt’s apartment. Jason rubbed Leo’s back, reassuringly.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” He asked.

“You keep asking me that!” Leo complained, but his eyes shifted nervously and his fingers restlessly picked at the skin around his thumb. Jason grabbed his hand and squeezed it- “I’m here.”

Leo’s big brown eyes looked into Jason’s. He looked grateful for his company. Then, he let his hand drop as he walked up the steps and knocked on the door.

An old woman answered. She had Leo’s curly hair and dark skin, but unlike Leo, she was ugly. In a sort of cinderella-ugly-step-sister way. Her nose was hooked and pointed. Her mouth snarled and her eyes squinted into wrinkled crows-feet.

“Uhh… hey, Aunt Rosa,” Leo said, wringing his hands, nervously.

“Well, look who decided to come back,” the old witch sneered, “you’ve got guts, boy.”

She spat out the word “boy” like Leo was some sort of vermin. Jason felt anger bubbling up inside of him.

“Look, I just wanna talk. Maybe apologise? I’ve done a lot of thinking-“

Leo was cut short when the old crone started howling with laughter.

“What makes you think I’d give any attention to you, after what you did, Diablo?”

Leo took a step back, fear and hurt flashing in his busy eyes.

“It- it was an accident-“

Jason had been keeping his distance up until now, but he moved closer to Leo and put a hand on his back, staring at the woman defensively.

“Look, lady, Leo and I… we came all this way so that he could do what he needed to do to make things right. Do you know how much guts it takes to want to apologise and make amends, especially after how you treated him? Leo’s doing something brave here, and you should at least hear him out, you owe your sister that much.”

The old lady scoffed, and barked something to Leo accusatorially in Spanish. Leo backed away again, fearfully, mumbling a response. Jason only became angrier. He hated seeing Leo like this.

“Leo doesn’t owe you any sort apology whatsoever,” Jason growled, “And yet he’s still offering one. Even though it wasn’t his fault. Even though you treated him like shit!”

“Hey, Jason, maybe we should go-“

Jason looked in Leo’s eyes and mouthed, “Do you want to leave?”

Leo nodded, “Jason, please…” he whispered.

Jason hated seeing Leo so afraid and helpless. With one last glowering look at Leo’s Aunt Rosa, he guided Leo away.

“Freak! Diablo!” Rosa called, “Worthless, Satan Spawn, good-for-nothing-“

She didn’t have time to finish the insult. With one swift motion, Jason spun around and punched her square in her ugly face. She crumpled to the floor, moaning.

“Leo Valdez is fucking amazing,” Jason said, standing over the old woman, “You are fucking blessed to even be associated with him. You have no right to treat him the way you did. You know that it wasn’t his fault what happened, but you made him think that it was. You’re a fucking disgrace. Now, I wholeheartedly think that Leo should not apologise to you. But if that’s what he needs to do,” he looked over at Leo, and smiled, then looked back at the old crone, “then you’re gonna fucking hear him out, okay?”

She nodded, still rolling on the floor. Leo walked over and stood by Jason. He didn’t help her up.

“Aunt Rosa,” he said, and then paused for a moment, looking at Jason, and then looking back down, “Fuck you.”

Jason patted him on the back, and they walked away together. As they got further and further down the street, Leo stated sobbing.

“Oh, hey, no, it’s okay…” Jason assured him, “Sorry, did I-“

“You were great,” Leo said, “It’s just…”

He hugged his shoulders. Jason walked in front of him and grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop.

“Hey. Look at me. Don’t let what she said get to you, okay? She’s not worth it.”

Leo chucked, but the laugh turned into more sobs.

“Hey… hey… that was really brave, what you did.”

Leo dug his fingernails into his arm. He was hugging his right forearm close to his chest, hiding his scars from Jason that he knew for a fact were there. Jason wondered once again where they had come from. What their story was. But he didn’t dare ask. He pulled Leo into a hug, right there in the middle of that busy Texas street. Fragile, and shaking, Leo was a mess. But Jason held him, and stroked his hair, and whispered soft words of comfort.

“I don’t know what she has against Spawns of Satan,” Leo said eventually, “Nico and Hazel are lovely. It’s not really an insult.”

And there it was. The jokes. Leo took a deep breath, and Jason could practically see the mask come up. It had slipped away for those few moments while Jason held him, and he had caught a glimpse of that vulnerable, scared little eight-year-old boy. But now his defences were up. He had let Jason in for just a second, and Jason wanted so desperately to be let in again. To get to know the real Leo. To be able to comfort that little boy, maybe even help heal him. Bandage his bleeding scars.

“Next stop,” Leo said, “Mom.”

The cemetery was beautiful. Peach trees lined the gravel pathway, rustling in the late autumn breeze. Jason watched Leo closely as he walked down the path, scanning for the gravestone he wanted. Leo’s dark brown eyes caught the low light of the evening street-lamps. They reminded Jason those bugs stuck in amber you could buy in museum gift shops. He felt in danger of becoming like one of them, perpetually lost in that deep liquid gold. He could swim in them for eternity, preserved in beautiful stillness for all time. If those dark irises dared lock themselves on his, they would pull him under, and he would be trapped forever in perfect torture.

Leo turned a corner and trekked down a well-trodden path in the grass. He wove through the headstones until he found the one he needed.

Jason stood behind him, tapping his own fingers nervously on the back of his other hand. He realised he was copying Leo’s rhythm- he’d committed it to memory without even learning what it meant.

He watched as Leo knelt down by the headstone. The engraving on the headstone read “Esperanza Valdez, beloved daughter, wonderful sister. You will be missed.”

Jason noticed with another surge of anger that the epitaph did not say “mother”. Leo had been cast out by his family, and the hard work and sacrifices his mom had made to raise him weren’t even recognised on her gravestone.

“H-hey, mom…” Leo said, trying to keep a cheery note in his voice, “How’s it going? Good? Good.”

He kept talking to the stone, commenting on small things like the weather, how his day had been, what he had for breakfast (he’d lied and said oatmeal, but Jason knew he hadn’t eaten anything that morning). Jason could see he was desperately trying to keep it together, not wanting to let his walls down again. Eventually, Leo turned to him.

“Hey man, there’s something I gotta do. Alone. Can you just maybe… I dunno… wander ‘round the shops for a bit? I’ll come find you once I’m done.”

His eyes were dull and unsaturated in the cold light of the evening. He looked at the headstone with something other than just grief- purpose. But not the twinkle Jason saw when he had an idea for an invention. A sort of quiet resolve. It was unsettling.

Jason didn’t want to leave Leo on his own. He moved closer, reached up, and touched Leo’s face. He took off Leo’s mask, and looked at the broken boy behind it.

“I… I…”

Suddenly, Leo crumpled to the ground, sobbing. Jason caught him. He held Leo’s trembling arms in his firm grip. The underside of his arms were covered in a patchwork of faded scars. Jason caught another glimpse of that boy- the runaway, helpless and alone. He imagined those scars freshly bleeding, no-one there to clean the cut or dry his tears. It was that boy that stood in front of him. That boy that crumpled to the floor sobbing at Jason’s feet, as he held his arms tightly in his strong grip.

“I’m sorry…” The boy said, his voice small.

Jason crouched down, letting go of one of the arms and putting a hand under his chin, forcing him to look up. His big brown eyes were watery with tears, filled with sorrow and remorse and fear.

“The… the reason you came here,” Jason said, slowly, “Was not to visit your Aunt Rosa, was it?”

Leo didn’t meet his gaze. Jason’s hand dropped from holding his chin, and Leo looked down at his hands, one still clutched in Jason’s own.

“A ritual…” Leo said, “I found it in a book at Camp… I… I could fix my mistakes.”

“By bringing your mom back?” Jason guessed.

Leo shook his head, “My mom’s gone. Nothing’s gonna bring her back… but I’d be able to get rid of the thing that killed her.”

Jason grabbed Leo’s shaking shoulders, his grip firm, yet gentle. He touched Leo’s cheek with his other hand, his fingers lightly grazing his skin, hurriedly trying to commit it to memory.

“Leo, you mean you’re gonna-“

Leo shook his head. “Not that. My powers,” he explained, “If I give them up, I might be able to reconcile for what I did. I could be at peace.”

He looked up at Jason, his eyes so full of anguish and hurt it made Jason’s heart break.

“I never lied to you, Jason. I did come here to get closure.”

Jason held Leo’s tiny, shaking body against his.

“Leo, it wasn’t your fault, okay? You have to believe me when I tell you it wasn’t your fault.”

“I lost everything in that fire, Jason. These powers have cost me so much.”

“Leo, please believe me,” Jason begged, “You don’t deserve to hurt yourself like this.”

Leo didn’t respond. Jason realised that he was afraid. Afraid of himself. Afraid of hurting others. Afraid of his power, despite all the good it had done, despite all the times it had saved Jason’s life. Leo only ever saw all the bad it did. Why couldn’t Leo would see himself the way Jason saw him- brave and good and kind? Then he remembered Aunt Rosa- the way Leo had backed away from her, afraid and guilty. The way she had reduced Leo to a small-voiced child with just a fierce glance. Jason couldn’t even imagine what it must’ve been like having her as your only family. He figured the foster homes hadn’t been much kinder to Leo, judging by the assortment of scars across his skin. And the shopkeeper- how Leo’s eyes were desperate and panicked, how he had ran from that place, how the man had yelled at him so fiercely. If Leo’s powers were responsible for doing all that to him, Jason didn’t blame him for wanting to get rid of them. Jason did want to get rid of them- nothing that hurts Leo like that should ever be allowed to continue existing.

He hugged Leo tighter.

“You know I can’t let you do this, Leo. It’s dangerous. I mean, if it’s never been done before… what kind of side effects might it have? Will it just get rid of your fire or your other abilities as well?”

Leo shook his head, “I’m still a son of Hephaestus. That would never change. But the gift… curse… whatever he gave me- that’ll be gone. It’s served its purpose now, so The Fates will allow it. But I can be a normal demigod.”

Jason was pretty sure the words “normal” and “demigod” had never been used side-by-side before.

“Leo, these powers have saved my life so many times. All of our lives. You can’t just… by letting them go, you’d be erasing all the good that you’ve done. Please, try to see my point of view. I don’t want you to do something you’d regret.”

“It’s my decision, Jason. My whole life, I’ve wished I’d never gotten these powers. I don’t care if I can use them to help people- I don’t want to risk hurting anyone else,” Leo looked down at the gravestone.

Jason remembered the warmth Leo had filled him with when he had sung his mom’s lullaby. The joy and happiness he had felt. That wasn’t bad. That couldn’t have been bad.

“Leo, you can’t do this.”

“You’re not changing my mind, Jason.”

And Jason knew he was right.

“If this is what you need to do, Leo…” he whispered, softly, “Then I’m not gonna stop you. But there are better ways. You don’t have to do this.”

“But I do. You don’t understand, Jason. You never knew your mom. I had something, and then it was taken away as a result of my own mistakes. That’s worse than never having had it in the first place.”

“Hey, that’s not fair,” Jason snapped, “Leo, I get it. You’re hurting. And I want to be here for you. I really do. This whole trip-“

He stopped and took a deep breath.

“This whole trip, I’ve been trying to make myself a safe space for you to open up to me. For you to let down those walls, let me in, let me see you,” he took Leo’s hands in his, “Because what I want more than anything right now, is to see you, Leo. The real you. Behind the jokes, and the smiles, and the “everything is fines”. I can’t bear to stand by and watch you do something I know you’d regret, but if this is what it takes to gain your trust, then I’d do it. For you.”

He knew this wasn’t right. He knew Leo was making a really bad choice, and Jason saw no future where he didn’t live to regret it. Leo would not be at peace. He would still be weak and afraid, just now he would also be powerless. But he knew he couldn’t stop Leo. And he couldn’t let him do it alone, he just couldn’t. Leo had been alone his whole life, and Jason couldn’t abandon him when Leo needed him most. And Jason wanted to be with him. Be there for him. He wanted to see that little boy again. But it shouldn’t be about what he wanted. Deep down, Jason knew he was being selfish.

With shaking hands, Leo reached into his backpack and brought out a thick leather-bound book. Jason recognised it as the kind of thing they kept on the bookshelf of the Athena cabin. Leo opened the tome, and flicked through until he found the page he needed. His dark eyes scanned the instructions, then he reached into his backpack again and brought out a knife and a vial of glowing red liquid, and set them both on the grass in front of him.

“Leo…” Jason said, looking at the knife.

“It needs my blood for the ritual, Jason,” Leo said.

“So, you’re really going through with this?” Jason asked, not meeting those eyes of amber.

Leo didn’t answer right away, just studied the book, knife, and vial in front of him. He studied his mother’s grave, tracing the name “Esperanza” with his eyes.

“I… I don’t…”

Jason put a hand on Leo’s cheek, forcing him to look his way.

“Leo, it’s okay.”

Leo tried to hold the glass vial steady to drink it, but his hands were shaking too much. Jason gently took it from his grasp, and held it up to Leo’s lips. This is a bad idea, he thought, but it’s for Leo. It’s what he wants. Jason poured the weird red stuff into Leo’s mouth, and Leo did his best to swallow it down. He shivered.

Leo sat back on his knees, facing the gravestone. He took the knife in shaking hands and dragged it across his palm. He whimpered in pain as the blood seeped out of the cut and down his wrists. He collapsed on the ground, his hands out in front of him, digging his fingers into the dirt. Jason watched as, sobbing, Leo read aloud the words from the book. Jason didn’t understand Ancient Greek, but he got the gist. This was some serious magic going on. Leo screwed his eyes up in painful concentration, repeating the chant over and over. His fingers dug deeper into the ground, and his hands caught fire. Jason took a step back as the fire grew. Leo cried out.

But then, the fire sank back to a flicker, then it was gone. Where it had been, tendrils of red, orange, and gold light were coming from Leo’s fingers like tree roots, spreading into the dirt. They wrapped around his mother’s headstone- making it look overgrown with flame-coloured vines. The light glowed brighter and brighter, and as it did, Leo’s breathing got shallower and weaker. Eventually, the light became so blinding white that Jason had to avert his eyes. Then he heard a grunt, and the sound of a body hitting the soft dirt. Jason turned and saw Leo lying on the ground, shivering. He ran over and scooped him up in his arms. Leo’s skin was cold to the touch- colder than Jason had ever felt on Leo before. His cut hand was stained with grass and mud.

“Leo!” Jason called.

He didn’t answer. He was unconscious. Leo inhaled, shakily, and his breath was sharp and painful. Jason could only hold him.

Eventually, Leo opened his eyes.

“J-Jason?” He said, weakly.

“How are you feeling?” Jason asked.

“Are… are people this cold usually?”

Jason laughed. He couldn’t help himself. He hugged Leo tighter.

“Did it work?” Jason asked, after a minute.

Leo shakily got to his feet. Jason kept a hand on his waist to steady him. Leo held out his hand, and closed his eyes in concentration. Nothing happened.

“It worked,” he said. He wasn’t smiling. Jason realised that Leo didn’t want to lose the powers either, but was doing it because he thought it was for the best.

Leo fished a cigarette lighter out of his tool belt. He flicked on the flame, and held it underneath his palm. Jason grabbed Leo’s wrist and yanked it away from the fire.

“Careful,” Jason said, “Don’t hurt yourself.”

“I’d prefer to find out if I’m still fireproof or not now, rather than in a life-or-death situation,” Leo reasoned. He moved to put the lighter under his hand again. Jason didn’t stop him, but he wasn’t happy about it. Leo gasped in pain as the flame blistered his skin. He yelped and dropped the lighter. Luckily, the flame went out before it hit the grass. Leo nursed his burned hand.

“Ouch,” he said, “That… that was…”

Jason knew what Leo must’ve been feeling. He had never been burned before. He had gotten a taste for the first time of how his mom must’ve felt in her final moments. That tiny burn on his hand adding to the many, many scars.

Leo was shivering. “Seriously, why is it so cold?” He said. Jason wrapped his arms around him, still getting used to Leo’s newfound lack of radiator-ness. For once, Leo had to depend on Jason for warmth. Only now, did it occur to Jason the gravity of what they’d done. Leo would never summon another fireball to save Jason from certain death. Jason would never roast a marshmallow over his best friend’s head again. He no longer had an excuse to cuddle up next to him on cold winter nights (not that he wanted to cuddle Leo for any reason other than for warmth). Jason would never watch in awe as Leo stoked the forges with his bare hands. Leo was normal now, but was normal necessarily better? Jason had never thought so, but then again, he had always been revered- held aloft on a golden shield, praised as a leader- for the abilities he had inherited.

Jason knew about the bullying at Camp. After Leo had revealed his powers to Cabin 9, the rumours had spread like, well, fire. His siblings had been supportive, but the other cabins not as much. Jason knew Leo hated the looks he’d get at mealtimes, so much that he often hid in Bunker 9 to work on the Argo II. He’d get nasty comments, people calling him a freak and an arsonist, and he’d tried to downplay how much it had affected him, but Jason knew. The worst were the fights. Leo just curled up on the ground and lay there while the other campers pummelled him. Jason had begged him to fight back, he knew Leo could hold his own, but Leo had just looked down sadly, and said, “I can’t fight back. I don’t want to let myself go. I don’t wish the fate of my mother on anyone, even those fuckers.”

No. Normal was better for Leo. Safer.

“Let’s go,” Leo said.

“Back to the hotel?”

“No. Bus station. I’ve got what I came for now. I don’t ever wanna see this place again.”

He turned to the gravestone, and traced his mother’s name with his fingers, ‘Bye, Mom.”

Leo took the window seat on the bus ride back to camp. He did not rest his head on Jason’s. He did not hold his hand. He just sat, looking sadly out the window as the entire state of Texas passed by them.

“Can I ask you something?” Jason said.

“You just did,” Leo replied.

“Why Huston? I mean, I thought you told yourself you’d never go back there.”

“The ritual required a place that was meaningful to the person performing it.”

He didn’t offer any other explanation, and Jason decided not to push it.

“Jason… can you not tell the others what happened here? They’d freak. I just… I can’t deal with having to explain my choices to them. Not right now.”

Jason hesitated for a moment, but then said, “Of course, Leo.”

Leo still wasn’t meeting his gaze.

“It’s funny…” Jason said, “We started this chapter of our lives on a bus. We’re ending it on a bus…”

Leo began to cry.

“Oh… oh no, sorry, Leo, I didn’t-“

Leo hid his face in his hands. Jason tried to touch his shoulder, but Leo shrugged him off. They stayed like that- Jason helpless as Leo sobbed.

Jason had tried to get closer to Leo. He had tried to see through that mask. He had hoped that letting Leo do what he needed to do might make Leo let him in. But Leo still pushed him away. He might always push him away. Leo rubbed his eyes with the heal of his hand, and resumed looking out the window.

And a little part of Jason died inside.

[ellana-lavellan-official]

Solas and loneliness

Years ago (around a decade ago, to be frank) I read By The Still Waters. Even though solavellan is minor pairing there, once scene gave me goosebumps and got imprinted in my memory.

“It’s not too late,” the Inquisitor said. “I’m listening.” She smiled, though it was only a slight curl at the corners of her mouth. Her clan markings had disappeared for good now. “I’ll be here all night.”

Solas fell to his knees in front of her. Fenris still could not move. He could feel the demon’s fascination. It seemed almost to be holding its breath. Solas grasped both the Inquisitor’s hands in his and bowed his head over them. “I have been so long alone,” he said, in a low voice that seemed to be picked up by the warm soft wind blowing through the garden: alone alone alone alone."

After news from game informer article

SPOILER

.

.

Solas was alone (!) all those years. This is so fucking sad. I can't help feeling for him. Imagine how miserable we was feeling all this time.

Lavellan at least had people beside her.

He has noone. And it's his choice. I'm not gonna judge him or say he should have stayed with Lavellan. I clearly don't know the rest of his story, what he went through and what's at stakes. But the sheer willpower needed to end relationship with he, when it's clear he cares for her is immensive. Considering his greatest fear is dying alone. Considering he lost one of the few companions he had (Wisdom). Considering his words to Lavellan when they met and in Crestwood.

Lavellan:  I’ve never heard of anyone going so far into the fade. That’s extraordinary. Solas: Thank you. It’s not a common field of study, for obvious reasons. Not so flashy as throwing fire or lightning. The thrill of finding remnants of a thousand-year-old dream? I would not trade it for anything.

vs

Solas: I was trying to determine some way to show you what you mean to me.

Lavellan: That’s not necessary, Solas. You’re my…

Solas: That is the question, is it not? For now, the best gift I can offer is the truth… You are unique. In all Thedas, I never expected to find someone who could draw my attention from the Fade. You have become important to me - more important than I could have imagined.

Weeks said in the past how moral implications of romance with Solas are huge. Back then I took it as confirmation that through her he realized his mistake in thinking modern people aren't real. But I think it's more that than, especially after yesterday.

He was alone for millennia, it's unknown if he ever had deeply intimate relationship with anyone. In fact, his word suggest he hasn't: before Lavellan the Fade and dreams was what he loved. And then he met her and realized he could trade it in favor of spending time with her.

What is their story, for him, is about truly loving for the first time? Opening up like never before, experiencing connection with another being on a new level. A possibility of having someone know how you truly are, not a persona, but Solas (or, more precisely, his soul. I think Solas is a name he was given. which doesn't necessarily represent him wholy) . Being cared for who he is. Being free and loved.

I so hope we will get a chance to make it better for him. I also hope spirit Cole comforted him, even though Solas likely turned him away as well.

I was positive Bioware will depict him as a leader amongst his agents, busy progressing with his plan and spreading the chaos for his opponents. I got this impression from Trespasser. Intelligent trickster, who got what he wanted by using qunari and Inquisition.

But I was wrong and I'm glad. What we got is so much sadder but also fucking beautiful. It opens a lot of possibilities to how his story will progress. Weekes is a genius. I love them.

I am this close to blocking any news to experience the game for the first time as it's released. Now that I know Inquisitor will make an appearance, I'm hopeful for meaningful wrap up to their story.

UPD

And fuck if the news don't give another spin at him watching Lavellan from the distance in her dreams. Imagine it as the only comfort and intimacy (or whisp of it, really, as he was always far away) he allowed himself since Trespasser, probably when his lonely presence in Lighthouse became too much to bear. It's so sad. I actually cried yesterday T_T

Let me love you and care for you and hug you and comfort you and protect you you stupid fucking idiot of a vhenan

[b0amagination]

Tastes of Whumptober: Day 31

My beloveds are here to send off Whumptober <3 It's been a truly incredible experience to not only stay on track with, but to actually complete. I still can't believe I did that. I'll be continuing some of what I started here, just give me a minute to rest my typing fingers <3

Content warnings for: mental health evaluation, mentions of suicide, and suicidal ideation.

Therapy

“Seriously?”

“Come on, Dec. Lay down, relax.”

Declan frowned and reluctantly reclined back on the couch, resting his head against the arm.

“On your back…”

“I could not give less of a shit, Hasan.”

“You can’t calm down when you look at me.” Hasan crossed their knees, settling a clipboard in their lap. “This is supposed to be a therapeutic environment.”

“Therapeutic my ass.”

“Yes, darling? Shall I give it a massage?”

“Shut up.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed his eyes.

“A spanking then, love?”

“Fuck off, Hasan!” He shot up and bared his teeth, but they ignored his discomfort.

“How often would you say you experience little or no pleasure in doing things?”

“Every single second I have to deal with your sorry self.”

Their clothes rustled and something clinked on the coffee table next to him. His eyes flicked over to see Hasan setting down their belt, the heavy buckle meeting glass.

“Tell the truth and I won’t use it today. Or anything else for that matter.” Well, his attention was piqued but he still leveled his gaze, glowering. “Now tell me again. How often do you experience little or no pleasure in doing things?”

“What kind of things?”

“Let’s say hobbies. Watching television, playing games, and so on.” They were clicking their pen in the silence.

“Probably half the time,” he mumbled.

“Would you say several days this past week, or more than half the days?”

“Picky much? The latter.”

“How often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless?”

“It’s a little hard to separate my mental health from your influence.”

“Estimate, my dear. You’re stalling.”

He was, but his question didn’t come without merit either.

“Every day then.”

“Do you experience trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much?”

“Sometimes. Depends how much you torture me.”

“Touché. Have you been experiencing tiredness or low energy?”

“Constantly.” The pen circled another number. “You know I’ve done this a million times before, right? I know I’m depressed.”

“You told me before that you were in remission.”

“Something like that, at some point. I’m not perfect.”

“I didn’t say you should be. I want to understand your state of mind, sweetheart. Have you had a poor appetite or been overeating?”

“Not really. Probably no.”

“Alright. And do you feel bad about yourself? That you’re a failure, or have let people down?” 

“No, Jesus, you just want me to talk about being miserable.”

“Declan.” They raised a brow, flicking the belt buckle. “Truth. Now.”

“...sometimes.”

“Interesting.”

“Don’t interesting me-!”

“Have you had trouble concentrating on activities?”

“Yeah, on weekdays. Always checking the goddamn time for some reason.”

“And how about speed? Are you moving so slowly or so erratically that others would have noticed?”

“That’s a question for you, isn’t it?”

“What answer would you expect?”

“No. I don’t think so.”

“I would agree. And in the past week, have you had any thoughts of hurting yourself, or thoughts that you would be better off dead?”

“I think you hurt me enough for the both of us, Hasan.” Declan crossed his arms and turned away, staring into the cushions. “Circle the one and leave me alone.”

“Do you have a plan?”

“Excuse you?”

“You know precisely what I’m asking.”

“No, asshole. No I don’t. But if you wanna pink slip me, then be my guest.”

“Just covering my bases.” Hasan stood, picking up their belt.

“Woah! You said you wouldn’t!” He shoved himself back into the couch, watching with wide eyes as they threaded it back through their belt loops.

“I did indeed.” They fastened it and picked up the clipboard, tucking it under their arm and tapping it again with the pen. “We’re going to keep that in check, whether you like it or not.”

[painted-doe]

Thank goodness Tumblr is anonymous, because I have a shitty story I need to get off my chest.

I went for a walk with my husband the other night. Just a stroll around our sleepy little neighbourhood before bed. Now, my fella is an unusually shaped person, very short and heavyset with the shortest legs you’ve probably ever seen on a person. I’m not being unkind, I am being literal and objective, and it’s relevant to the story. Imagine a young Danny Devito and you’re pretty close. I think he’s goddamn adorable, among other things, but you don’t want to hear about that.

It was a Friday night. We were walking past an apartment building where some 20-somethings were having a party on the fourth floor. Disco lights and music. Two of the partiers were having a smoke out on the patio. One of them laughed and said loudly,

“That boy is waddling!”

At first I thought maybe he’d seen a stubby little dog or something. Because that’s not how you’d talk about a person, right? But it was late and quiet and we were the only ones on the street. And when I looked up, they were looking right at us.

Fortunately my husband was talking excitedly about his theories for Thunderbolts and he didn’t hear what they’d said about him.

But I did. Real fucking clearly.

Now, we’re talking about the funniest, gentlest, most welcoming and generous person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. You would love him. Everyone loves him. I bet the people on that patio would love him too, once they stopped seeing him as a novelty to laugh at. But if he’d heard those words, it would have shattered his confidence. He’d have been knocked right back into his depression, struggling to get out of bed, struggling to go to work, miserable at the thought of being perceived. This beautiful, exceptional person.

So I pretended I hadn’t heard anything, even though I wanted to go back and burn the whole fucking building down, and I kept walking and arguing happily with him about Marvel lore. And I made sure we took a different route home, away from that building and the party.

But fuck me if those words haven’t been stuck in my head all week. “That boy is waddling!” It hurts to think of how unkind the world is to this person, this man who deserves everything good. I’m so glad he didn’t hear it.

I hope that scrote on the balcony will someday understand what his words can do to people. I really do.

Thanks for reading my vent, and please take this as a reminder to treat fat people kindly. (I mean, I hope we can treat everyone kindly. But at a bare fucking minimum, at least don’t treat fat people like they don’t have feelings or ears.)