#i’m very glad my ex has stopped reaching out

[strawberrrytide]

i can’t believe still that i wasted 5 years on just some ugly dude that didn’t love me but only thought i was sexy because he was never there when i needed only when i could sext. and i was so delusional and i was being breadcrumbed so much that i convinced myself he was my twin flame because my tarot cards gave me fake reassurance because i couldn’t get it anywhere else. so sorry to all the friends i pushed back because of that freak

i mean at least he wasn’t 5+ years older than me.

[wolverigrl]

Rumors

Hugh Jackman x reader (actress)

Warnings: smut! Only 18+!, swearing, angsty, fluffy

!Disclaimer! If you'd like to skip the smut, scroll down as soon as you see "---" in the text. From there, the smut part begins and ends at the next "---"!

Enjoy!

Previous Part

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It's been five months. Five months since our first date, and yet somehow, it feels like both forever and no time at all.

I sit here now, in the gym, watching him lift weights like it’s nothing, and I’m struck by just how lucky I feel. From the very beginning, it was like we found our rhythm without even trying - our relationship is built on mutual respect and trust. We give each other space when needed, and t's refreshing to be with someone who values independence as much as I do.

The dates we've had so far have been perfect in their own way. Our second one was at this hidden gem of a restaurant tucked away in the city. I remember how he laughed when I spilled wine on the tablecloth, and how his hand brushed mine as we reached for the same napkin. We've done simple things too, like grabbing coffee early in the morning or working out. Once, we spent an afternoon at an old bookstore, getting lost in the aisles of dusty novels and sharing passages that made us laugh. Every moment with him feels like a memory in the making

And yet, it all changed a little last month when we were spotted. We hadn't been careful enough. A quick kiss in a park, something so innocent, but the paparazzi caught us. The next day, our picture was splashed across every tabloid and social media. That unintentional confirmation of our relationship wasn't what we had planned. Neither of us wanted the world in on our private lives.

Still, we've dodged every question thrown at us in interviews or on social media. But avoiding the questions doesn't stop the criticism.

The age gap. It's what everyone seems to latch onto. Hugh's used to it - He’s been doing this long enough to know how to handle the press, the rumors, the gossip. But me? I’m still learning how to deal with it. I try to act like it doesn't bother me. I nod along, tell everyone I'm fine, but inside, it's harder than I thought it would be. Some of the comments sting more than I care to admit. I've been in relationships before, but none of them were "public" like this. My exes were all from my private circle - well, except for Chris, but that doesn't count. That was way before either of us was well-known. This, with Hugh, is different. It's out there.

I didn’t want that. I wanted to keep us private for a while longer, to hold onto this little piece of normalcy for just us. But now it’s out, and there’s no taking it back.

Now everything is under scrutiny. People question our relationship and my motives. Of course there are fans who are supportive - sweet comments, even some who come up to me on the street and say they love us together. But then there are the others. The ones who say I’m only with him to advance my career, that I’m using him to get ahead. Ever since our last movie together, I’ve been getting bigger roles, and some people think that’s because of him. Like I can’t earn anything on my own.

I try to brush it off, but there are moments when those words hit hard. And even though Hugh has told me a thousand times to ignore it. I’m not like him. I haven’t been in the spotlight for decades. I don’t have the thick skin he’s developed over the years.

Our managers weren’t thrilled either when they found out we’d been seeing each other behind their backs. It wasn’t anger, really, more disappointment that we hadn’t trusted them enough to let them in on it. But in a way, I’m glad we didn’t. We needed this to just to be ours for a while.

Still, despite all the noise, the criticism, the rumors—there’s comfort between us. We act like a real couple. We’ve never had the talk, though, about what we are exactly. Are we officially together? I don’t even know. We’ve just kind of fallen into this routine, and honestly, love it. I love the way he makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world when we’re together.

My eyes drift back to him as he lowers the weights, his muscles tensing with the effort. He's ridiculously strong, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a turn on. God, he’s attractive. And sweet. And patient. And funny. Sometimes I catch myself even fangirling. I mean, it's still Hugh fucking Jackman. How did I get so lucky?

“You good, y/n?" Hugh’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts, and I realize I’ve been staring.

“Yeah." I say, quickly covering up my awkwardness with a grin. “Just appreciating the view.”

His eyes narrow, that playful smile tugging at his lips. He walks over, sweat still glistening on his skin, and towers above me, crossing his arms. “You know, you could’ve just taken a picture.”

“Maybe I will next time,” I tease, leaning back on the bench.

He chuckles, the sound warm and rich. “Or you could just join me instead of sitting over there like a creep.”

“Please. I did twice as many reps as you did earlier,” I say, pretending to wipe imaginary sweat from my brow. “I deserve a break.”

“Is that right?” He raises an eyebrow, leaning down so we’re almost face-to-face. “Pretty sure I saw you struggling with those squats.”

“I wasn’t struggling." I protest, trying to keep a straight face, but his cocky grin is making it impossible.

“You say that now, but your form—”

“My form was perfect!” I laugh, pushing his arm lightly. “Stop acting like you weren’t impressed.”

“Oh, I was impressed." he admits, his voice dropping an octave. “Just not with your workout.”

The heat between us flares up in an instant, the way it always does when he looks at me like that. There’s this pull, this magnetic energy that I haven’t felt in a while. We flirt, we tease, we push each other’s buttons, and it’s exhilarating. But there’s always this line we haven’t fully crossed yet. We get close - so close - but we always pull back.

We go back and forth like this until we wrap up our workout. Hugh's leaving for Sydney tomorrow to visit his family for a few weeks, but his kids won't be able to join him because they're going on holiday with their mom, so it'll just be him this time

I'll admit, I already miss him so much. I don't really know what to do yet. So far, we've spent pretty much every day together, but now that the interviews are slowly getting fewer and everyday life is getting quieter, it's getting boring without someone to keep me on my toes. I guess Ryan and Blake will have to take over.

After the gym, we head back to his place, still bickering about who did better with which exercises. By the time we're on the couch, it's turned into playful shoving and teasing until his lips are on mine, and everything else fades away. God, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed the way his lips feel on mine, the way his touch sets my skin on fire.

But just as things are about to cross that line again, I pull away, leaving him breathless and staring at me in confusion.

"You’re impossible." he mutters, running a hand through his hair, frustration evident in his voice.

I smile sweetly, standing up and stretching. “I need a shower.”

"You’re an absolutely evil woman!" he calls after me as I walk toward the bathroom, but I don’t turn around. I can feel his eyes on me the whole way.

I can't help but smile to myself as I undress and step into the shower. The hot water cascades down my skin, but my mind is elsewhere - back on the couch, replaying the way his hands felt on me, the way his breath hitched when I kissed him. It's getting harder to hold back, to not give in to the growing desire between us. We've come close before - so many times - but for some reason, we always stop right pefore things get too far. It's like we're both waiting for the perfect moment. I'm not in a rush, but God, he makes it so hard to resist.

But it’s not just physical. It’s him. It’s the way he looks at me, the way he makes me feel seen. I’ve never been so comfortable with someone, and that scares me a little. I’m falling for him - hard - and I’m terrified of what that means. We’ve never even talked about what we are, and here I am, thinking about how much I want him, how much I love him.

The thought stops me in my tracks. Am I in love with him? My heart pounds in my chest, and I realize that, yes, I probably am. But I don’t know if he feels the same way. What if this is just something casual for him? What if I bring it up, and he doesn’t feel the same? He’s never pressured me, never pushed for more, and sometimes I wonder if he’s happy with how things are - just casual, just fun.

When I'm done, I slip into my pajamas - just a simple tank top and shorts - and head into the bedroom. Hugh's sitting on the edge of the bed, scroling through his phone, but he glances up when I walk in.

"Took you long enough." he says with a mischievous grin. "Were you thinking about me in there?"

I smirk, leaning against the doorway.

"Maybe?"

He laughs, setting his phone down and standing up. He walks over to me, placing one hand on my hip, the other cupping my face. His lips brush mine in a teasing kiss, his hand sliding down to give my ass a playful squeeze.

"Behave." I mutter, but my voice betrays me, sounding more breathless than I intended.

"Why? I thought you like it when I don’t." he says, that teasing grin never faltering.

Before I can respond, he pulls away and heads to the bathroom. "I'll be right back."

I sighed and lay down on the bed and looked thoughtfully at the ceiling.

Before I can lose myself in my thoughts again, I hear the water turn off, and a minute later, Hugh steps back into the room, still dripping wet and wrapped only in his towel, which hangs dangerously low. I can't take my eyes off him. He's searching through the dresser, muttering something about forgetting his boxers, but I don't hear the words. My heart pounds in my chest, and I know - I know - this is it. I can’t hold back anymore.

Without second guessing, I get up and cross the room, moving toward him without a word. He watches me, his brow furrowing in slight confusion, but there’s something else there too.

When I reach him, I stop, just inches away, and look up at him. I don’t say anything for a long moment. I just let myself feel the weight of this moment.

---

Finally, I find my voice, though it’s softer than I expected. “I want you.”

His eyes widen slightly, and for a moment, I think I’ve surprised him. But then, something shifts in his expression, and the air between us thickens. He steps closer, his hand coming up to cup my cheek as he studies my face.

“Are you sure?” His voice is low, husky, and I can see the restraint in his eyes. He’s giving me an out. One last chance to change my mind. But I don’t want out. Not anymore.

“Yes." I whisper, barely able to speak past the lump in my throat. “I’m sure.”

That’s all it takes. In an instant, his lips are on mine, and the kiss is different this time - deeper. Hungrier. His hands move to my waist, pulling me against him, and I wrap my arms around his neck, melting into his touch.

Before I know it, he’s lifting me off the ground, my legs wrapping instinctively around his waist. I can feel the heat radiating off him, the roughness of the towel against my skin. His grip tightens, and I’m suddenly aware of just how much I want him - how much I’ve always wanted him.

The kiss grew more intense, more desperate, and I can feel the last remnants of our restraint crumbling. He carries me over to the bed, his towel loosening around his hips, and gently lays me down. Our breaths are ragged, our bodies pressed together in a way that makes it impossible to think of anything else.

His kisses moved to my neck while one of his hands disappeared under my top. I gasped softly and ran my hands over his strong back. He began to gently squeeze my breast as I pressed his hips against mine with my legs, clearly feeling his arousal. Breathing heavily, he rubbed his groin against me and applied more pressure to my breast.

"Please." I said softly and looked at him greedily. "Please what, love?" he broke away from my lips and straightened up a little to get a better look at my face.

I couldn't help myself and looked down to his towel, which was now hanging down so low that you could see his perfect v-line clearly, as well as the vein under his belly button.

I swallowed and also straightened up to pull my top over my head.

"Fucking hell." he muttered quietly. I lay back down with my arms over my head and looked straight at him. "Just stop holding back and fuck me already."

He didn't need to be told twice and leaned over me again. The kiss was wilder than before and I felt like his hands were everywhere. I was in such a trance that I didn't even notice that he had already thrown my shorts on the floor. It was only when I felt his fingers on my clit that I realized it. I gasped out loud and dug my fingers in his hair and shoulders as he caressed my neck and circled his thumb over my clit. I was a complete wreck. Everything happened so quickly, but somehow it also didn't. I pressed my knees into Hugh's sides and pushed my pelvis towards him as he slid two fingers inside me. I moaned loudly and pushed my head back into the pillow. Suddenly I felt an electrifying sensation as he ran his tongue around my breast and sucked on it. He curled his fingers in and moved his hand faster. I moaned loudly again and pressed my nails firmly into his shoulder as a pleasurable feeling came over me in my abdomen.

Hugh's kisses moved back up to my lips until he released his heavy breath and slid his fingers out of me.

He looked at me full of lust and totally befuddled. I had never seen him like this before. But seeing him like this almost made me go crazy myself. He smiled gently at me and stroked a few strands of hair from my face. "You're so damn beautiful."

I felt my face flush and ran my hands down his torso to his dick, smiling. He breathed heavily and closed his eyes as I slowly began to stroke him.

I clenched around nothing and bit my lip as I looked at him.

He looked at me again, bent both my legs and pulled my hands away, to stroke his own member. He rubbed his pre-cum wet tip against my clit and looked deep into my eyes. It made me absolutely feral.

"Hell. Stop fucking teasing!" I growled. Without another word, he slid into me and put my legs over his shoulders. I moaned loudly and curled my toes. He was breathing heavily and you could see how much he was controlling himself.

"You're so fucking tight." He slowly began to move his hips and it drove me wild when I felt him filling me up. "Baby please don't hold back." I moaned and closed my eyes.

"Eyes on me my love." he groaned and thrusted harder. I gasped, a little startled, and looked him straight in the eyes. My hands disappeared into his hair again and his speed increased steadily. I felt everything slowly boiling up inside me and I clenched hard around his dick. That eye contact. His moans. The sounds of our bodies hitting each other and the thick air in the room. Everything began to spin around me and I could no longer maintain eye contact.

"I'm gonna cum!" I moaned as I felt him thrusting even deeper than before. Hugh now closed his own eyes, let my legs off his shoulders and pressed both my hands over my head with one hand to stimulate my clit with the other. He was panting loudly himself. "Cum for me baby. I wanna see how you cum all over me."

That gave me the rest and for a brief moment I thought I was seeing the white light. My legs were shaking like crazy and I felt an incredible pull in my abdomen. Hugh moaned with me and let go of me to support himself with his forearms next to my head instead.

Panting, he rested his head in the crook of my neck while I stroked his sweaty back. Shortly afterwards, I felt his rhythm become more and more irregular until he did a last hard thrust and moaned loudly. The sound of his voice and the feeling of his pulsing dick made my skin crawl and I pressed myself tightly against him with my legs and arms.

There was complete silence for a moment. I could only hear our panting and our heartbeats in the room.

I felt his semen leaking out of me and slowly running down my bottom.

Hugh pulled away to lay down next to me and pulled me to his side before kissing me on the forehead. I smiled at him and stroked his sweaty chest with my hand.

"We should probably have done it before the shower." Hugh said with a smirk and looked at me.

"Or in the shower." He laughed and nodded.

---

After cleaning up, we lay together, our bodies entwined under the blanket. The room is quiet, except for the sound of our breathing slowly returning to normal. Hugh is beside me, his arm draped over my waist, his fingers lazily tracing patterns on my skin. I can feel the rise and fall of his chest against my back, and there’s a comfort in the silence between us.

But there’s also a weight, a need to say something. To define this.

I shift slightly, turning so I can face him. His eyes meet mine, and for a moment, neither of us says anything. Then, softly, I ask. "Do you ever… worry? About what people say about us?”

His brow furrows slightly, and he brushes a strand of hair from my face before answering. “What people say? You mean the age thing?”

I nod, feeling a lump in my throat. “Yeah. And the way they watch us. The paparazzi, the rumors… It’s just hard sometimes.”

He presses a soft kiss to my forehead, his hand gently cupping the back of my head. “I know it’s hard, y/n and I’m sorry you have to deal with all that because of me.”

“It’s not your fault,” I say quickly. “I just… sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. But I don't want to be that person who lets the outside world affect what we have." I whisper. "But sometimes it just... gets to me."

"You're not that person." he assures me, his voice firm but gentle. "You're human. And it's okay to feel that way. The important thing is that we talk about it, like we're doing now.. And you don’t have to handle it alone." he murmurs, his lips brushing my temple. “I’m here. We’re in this together.”

His words are soothing, but there’s still a part of me that struggles with the reality of our situation. I bite my lip, hesitating before speaking again. “Sometimes I wonder… if maybe we shouldn’t—”

“Hey." he interrupts softly, his thumb grazing my cheek. “Don’t go there. We’re good, okay? We’re more than good.”

I close my eyes, leaning into his touch. “I know. I just don’t want it to get too complicated.”

Hugh is silent for a moment, then he asks quietly. “Would it help if we made it official?”

I blink, my heart skipping a beat. “Official?”

He gives me a small smile, his eyes soft as he looks at me. “Yeah. Maybe then they will stop harassing us with their questions." For a moment we both were silent before he started to speak again. "Like… would you want to be my girlfriend?”

My heart swells at the simplicity of his question and made me speechless. Then I slowly nod, a smile spreading across my face. “Yeah." I whisper. “I’d like that.”

He grins, pulling me closer and pressing his lips to mine in a soft, lingering kiss. We stay like that for a while, wrapped in each other, content.

After a while, he pulls back, looking thoughtful. “You know, I’m heading to Australia tomorrow to visit family.”

I nod, already knowing. “Yeah, you mentioned that. How long will you be gone?”

“A few weeks." he says, his fingers brushing over my arm absently. “But… I was thinking. What if you came with me?”

I blink in surprise. “To Sydney?”

“Yeah. I mean, only if you want to. No pressure. I just thought it’d be nice… spending some more time together. Away from all this.”

I hesitate, the idea both exciting and terrifying. “I don’t know, Hugh. It feels… fast. I haven’t even met your family yet.”

He chuckles softly. “You wouldn’t have to. Not unless you wanted to. It can just be the two of us. We can do whatever you want. I just want to spend time with you."

I smile softly at his words, feeling my heart swell.

“I’ll think about it,” I say softly, leaning my head against his chest. His heartbeat is steady beneath my ear, a calming rhythm that soothes the anxiety swirling in my mind.

“Good,” he murmurs, running his fingers gently through my hair. “That’s all I ask. No pressure.”

I bite my lip, thinking it over. The idea is tempting - really tempting.

"Okay." I say, making the decision. "I'II come. But maybe I'll fly out a week later. That way I can maybe meet up with Blake and Ryan, maybe even visit Chris in Boston."

Hugh nods, a relieved smile spreading across his face. "Deal. A week later, and we'll have the best time. Just you and me."

We share another soft kiss, and can't help but laugh against his lips.

After our conversation, we lay there for a little while longer, basking in the afterglow of everything we’d just shared. The weight that had been pressing on my chest for weeks felt lighter now that we’d talked about it.

Eventually, we sat up, and the idea struck me - if we were really ready to move forward, maybe it was time to let the world know about us on our own terms.

“I was thinking…” I start, glancing over at him. “We should post a photo of us."

Hugh’s eyebrows lifted in slight surprise. “You sure about that?”

I nod, feeling a sense of resolve I hadn’t felt before. “Yeah. I mean the media already knows about us and we can't hide anymore. So why not?"

A smile tugs at his lips, and he reaches for his phone on the bedside table. “Alright, I’m in. Let’s take a picture then.”

I chuckle. “But maybe we should put on some clothes first?”

Hugh laughs softly, the sound sending a warmth through me. “Yeah, I suppose we shouldn’t scandalize the internet too much.”

As I sit up, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the bedroom mirror and grimace slightly. My hair’s a mess from… well, everything, and I’m definitely not looking my best. “Ugh. I look awful.”

Hugh stands up and shakes his head with an amused smile. “You look perfect,” he says, casually reaching into his closet for a shirt. He pulls one on, his muscles stretching the fabric in a way that makes it hard for me to focus. “Come on, we’ll take a cute one.”

I roll my eyes playfully but grab one of his T-shirts from the drawer. “Fine, but if I look weird, we’re deleting it.”

“No way!” he teases, pulling me into his arms once I have the shirt on. “You could never look weird.”

I can’t help but laugh as he wraps his arms around me from behind. He holds the phone up in front of us, angling it to get the perfect shot. “Okay, smile!”

I glance up at him just as he snaps the picture. My smile turns into a laugh, the joy bubbling out of me before I can stop it. I look ridiculous, but when I see the photo, it’s kind of perfect. Hugh’s grinning at the camera, looking all charming and effortlessly handsome as always, while I’m gazing up at him, clearly laughing and obviously so in love.

I bite my lip, hesitating. “I don’t know… I look a little -"

“You look great." Hugh cuts in, his tone firm but soft. “Come on, y/n. This is us. It’s real.”

I glance at the picture again. He’s right. It’s not some polished, perfect photo shoot - it's just us. Happy, in love, and completely ourselves. I sigh, giving in. “Okay, fine. Let’s post it.”

He beams at me, clearly pleased, and starts typing a caption on his phone. I lean over his shoulder to read it:

>>thehughjackman: Caught laughing at all the rumors... guess they weren't all wrong🤫 #couplegoals<<

I laugh, rolling my eyes playfully "#CoupleGoals? Really?"

"You're right." he says, smirking as he backspaces. "How about.. #HughJackedY/n?"

I swat him laughing, and he finally posts it without any hashtag.

I take my smartphone and also post it with another caption:

>>y/ninstagram: Who knew Wolverine was such a softie?❤️🐺<<

And just like that, it’s out there. The world now knows officially. My heart pounds a little faster as the notifications start rolling in almost instantly. I feel a rush of nervous excitement—what will people say?

We sit there, watching as the comments flood in, one after another.

>>vancityreynolds: Took you long enough!<<

>>blakelively:This is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Love you both!<<

>>ChrisEvans: Treat her right or Cap's coming for you!💪🏻<<

>>zendaya: Omg, stop! You guys are ADORABLE<<

>>officialladydeadpoolmovie: Deadpool approves of this union. Carry on.<<

I glance at Hugh as the comments keep pouring in, feeling a strange mixture of warmth and relief. There’s so much love here—so many people supporting us. It’s overwhelming in the best way.

“I told you it’d be fine,” Hugh says, his voice soft. He nudges me gently with his shoulder. “And look, everyone’s happy for us.”

I smile at him, feeling lighter than I have in days. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

More comments continue to roll in, some from fans, some from friends:

>>florencepugh: I KNEW IT!!!<<

But it’s the fan comments that really make me smile:

>>lordyx3z: Omg, I knew they were together! This makes me so happy!🥹😩<<

>>serenax77: Remember when y/n literally said 'fuck me' during an interview? Manifesting at its finest😂😂😭<<

>>hugh4ewa: Hugh, blink twice if y/n's forcing you to post couple pics😂<<

>>y/nno1fan: About damn time! Y'all had me waiting like the post credits scene of a Marvel Movie!<<

>>mynameseve: I need somebody to look at me, like y/n looks at Hugh😭❤️<<

>>girlpoolxpoppins: Can somebody pls check on Ryan? ASAP<<

>>boyinyellwspndx: y/n: "fck me!" - Hugh: "Say less". Dreams come true folks<<

I can’t help but grin at the flood of positivity. Sure, I know there will be some haters - there always are - but for now, it feels like we’re surrounded by love and support, and that’s all that matters. I glance at Hugh again, my heart swelling as he scrolls through the comments, laughing at some of the more playful ones.

“This was a good idea.” I say quietly, resting my head on his shoulder.

He turns his head slightly, pressing a kiss to my temple. “Of course it was.” he murmurs. “Now everyone knows you’re officially mine.”

I laugh softly, my heart feeling full. “And you’re mine.”

We sit there for a while, reading through the comments and enjoying the moment. It feels like a weight has been lifted, like we’re finally free to be ourselves without worrying about what anyone else thinks.

And honestly? It feels perfect.

---------------------------------------------------

@spectorrrhgf @tinawantstobeadoll @appetencyfortacos @weskerussy @kellyxo1 @larkkyoris @shukirschtein14 @corvusmorte @carefree-flowerchild @rexmeshlasblog @melmel-fandom @needz1nk @nonamevenus @morganlolitta @angelofthorr @pickuptruck01

Next part

[strawberrywinter4]

WIP - A Gentleman’s Shrine

Sneak peak #2 !

I know, I haven’t been active for a while, but this is what I’ve been working on! Some things may not make sense, obviously, but this is one of the scenes that will be in the halfway mark. So in honor of being halfway writing this, here you are! <3

——

“Captain Watson,” Sherlock murmurs in greeting.

“Mr. Holmes,” he says slowly. The name rolls of his tongue. Sherlock shivers. “I didn’t think this was your scenery.”

“It’s…not,” Sherlock answers. Suddenly, words are very hard. He practically blurts his next words out, “Are you going to tell my mother?”

To Sherlock’s surprise, Captain Watson’s eyebrows raise as if he hadn’t even thought of doing so. “No.” He huffs a laugh. “I’m sure she doesn’t wish for you to be out considering she hardly lets you out of the manor, but…you’re your own man. It isn’t any of my business.”

Sherlock exhales in relief. “That’s…good. Thank you.”

He hums. His eyes reach into Sherlock’s soul, seeing straight through him. Sherlock tries not to sweat.

“Is Ms. Bolton all right?” Captain Watson ends up asking.

Oh. Yes. Of course. That’s his main concern. “Uh–yes, I’m sorry. She–she said she had something to attend to.” It isn’t entirely a lie. She has her own fears to attend to about her ex lover having a chance to come back and make her life a living hell.

“I see,” he says, but his voice isn’t laced with disappointment like Sherlock thought it would be. More so, it’s of curiosity. Sherlock has found that the captain is a severely curious man. That can be both dangerous and enticing. “Do you know her?”

“Hm? Oh, no. I simply…erm…” Sherlock doesn’t know what to say. How does he explain his sudden need to speak with her if he doesn’t know her? Captain Watson doesn’t take his eyes off him. “She–I’m a fan of hers.”

Sherlock knows the captain doesn’t believe him. He can see it in the way he stares at Sherlock with strict eyes. Sherlock swallows.

“Right,” he finally says. “Well, I’m glad you could speak with her.”

Sherlock’s shoulders sag in the relief that, for now, Captain Watson won’t push on the matter further. “Yes.”

They stare at each other for a moment. A thought comes into Sherlock’s head that he can’t replace.

“Why are you here?” No. No, that sounds accusatory. “I mean–are you…is there a reason?”

Get a hold of yourself, damn you.

“I heard of this place and thought I would see what the fuss was about,” the captain says, voice smooth.

Admiration creeps through Sherlock. He wishes he could simply go wherever he pleases for the pleasure of it. He wishes he didn’t have to sneak out just to step out of the gates of his own home. Prison, more like.

Sherlock nods. “Good. That’s good.” They’re quiet for a moment. Maybe it’s best Sherlock stops the conversation here. “Um–I should be going–”

“So, Irene Adler.” The tenacity of Captain Watson’s voice makes Sherlock pause. “Congratulations. I had no idea you two were…involved.”

Sherlock’s eyebrows shoot up. That, he can confirm with confidence is untrue. “No,” he says, and this time his voice stays steady. “Absolutely not. I mean–no. She’s a friend of mine.”

Friend. A friend.

Sherlock’s never had a true friend before. At least, not one close to his age. Mrs. Hudson doesn’t count.

But considering someone a friend…it warms Sherlock’s chest before he can stop it.

Sherlock’s heart jumps when he sees something akin to relief wash over Captain Watson’s face. Why relief? Suddenly, his shoulders lose the tenseness it had before and his expression softens.

It’s such a rapid change, Sherlock is dumbfounded.

“I see,” says the captain. “I didn’t mean to misunderstand, erm–you two seemed so…” He cuts himself off, shaking his hand with a light laugh. “Never mind.”

They stare at each other for longer than necessary. Sherlock finds himself tranfixed. The heat of the moment becomes more than palpable, it becomes unavoidable.

Captain Watson clears his throat, looking away swiftly. Sherlock tries not to feel disappointed.

The former soldier waves over the bartender and pays for his drink. Sherlock senses their interaction coming to an end.

“I won’t keep you busy,” Sherlock says. “Good night, Captain Watson.”

However, just as Sherlock walks past him, a gentle grip on his arm stops him. Sherlock’s breath catches in his throat. They lock eyes, and usually, the captain would take away his hand and murmur apologies.

Now, he doesn’t so much as look away.

“Let me take you back to the estate,” Captain Watson says.

Sherlock feels his defenses return. “I’m perfectly capable of going back on my own.”

“Oh! Yes. Yes, of course you are. I meant no such thing.” He stands, and the heat of his body radiates toward Sherlock. “Just so you won’t be noticed or…I only want to bring you back safely.”

Sherlock huffs. “Captain–”

“Mr. Holmes.” Sherlock hopes he isn’t imagining the soothing stroke of his thumb. “This isn’t because I don’t think you can handle yourself. This is because I want to make sure you arrive home safely.”

Sherlock shifts where he stands. His mind is hardly functioning due to the touch. “All right,” he manages, his voice hoarse.

——

Tags: @a-victorian-girl @whatnext2020 @totallysilvergirl @thegildedbee @with-a-ghost-mr-holmes @jawnn-watson @blogstandbygo @lisbeth-kk @holmesianlove @7-percent @itsonlytext @chinike @peanitbear @helloliriels @keirgreeneyes @ghostofnuggetspast @dw91165 @jolieblack @gwendelaneyisjohnlocked @cortina @kettykika78 @johnlockbbc @dapetty @bs2sjh

(If you wish to be tagged, let me know. If you don’t wish to be tagged, let me know as well.)

So yes, I’ve been working very hard with this fic. My goal is to finish writing the whole fic, and then post the chapters! I’ve never worked that way before, but I’ve found that it’s a lot easier for me so I’m not rushing through the process to write and then get the next chapter out lol.

Thank you all <33

[kittykat-25]

HOME- S.Coups Fic Epilogue

Pairing: Seungcheol x F. Reader

Genre: Comfort, Scoups being a complete softie for his girl

Synopsis: you've never had an issue with hiding your relationship with Seungcheol but he does when your ex gets a little too close.

A/N: the Epilogue!! Crazy this started off as a cute little one shot I wrote while on a car ride🫣 I hope you all enjoy and be on the lookout for a new S.Coups Fic in the future🤍

As Seungcheol guides you into the car, the reality of what occurred inside has you laughing, quietly then bursting out of you. “I’m glad one of us finds this situation humorous.” Your boyfriend says as he shuts his own car door. “I’m sorry Cheollie.” You said calming yourself down. You look over at your boyfriend, your protector and your eyes soften “thank you.” You said softly, cupping his face. He grabs your hand a places a kiss to your knuckles before turning his attention to the road. “That was fun.” Jeonghan quips from the backseat. “Your definition of fun and mine are very different.” Wonwoo replies. You turn in your seat, meeting the eyes of the other four men. “I’m sorry I disturbed boys night. But thank you for coming. You guys are the best.” The love shining back at you made you tear up, “hard to compare us to that hot mess in there.” Joshua said with a smile. You chuckled, the movement making the tears fall from your eyes. You turned back around, wiping them quickly. “Why are you crying my love?” Cheol asked, his hand gently massaging your thigh. “They were my best friends, and they were my people. It’s just funny to me how quickly that all has changed.” You said quietly, focused on a peice of your hair instead of meeting anyone’s eyes. You felt a hand land on your head, “we will happily be your people, you’ve been one of us since the day we met you.” Jeonghan said with a smile. You smiled, “I love yall.” You replied to no one specific. “We love you too.” Mingyu, patting your head. “I stabbed a knife into the table.” You chuckled. “Oh we saw, it was amazing.” Joshua retorted. “Probably the best thing we’ve seen all week.” Mingyu added. “You don’t get an opinion.” Cheol stated, his lips turning into an all too familiar pout. “What’s this about?” You said sweetly squishing his cheeks. The other four in the back burst out laughing, “I’m so confused.” You said looking between your boyfriend and friends.

The car rolled to a stop outside of you and Seungcheol’s house. Reaching towards the door handle “don’t even try it.” You heard your boyfriend say before his door shut and he walked around the car. Opening your door, extending his hand to help you out. “Funny how he never treats us that way.” Mingyu grumbled from the front of the car. “Speak for yourself.” Jeonghan quipped as he strutted up the walkway to the front door. You were tucked closely to Cheols side, you could feel how tense he was. Choosing to stay quiet until the other men left. “I’m going to go freshen up, yall enjoy the game.” You said as you walked inside, reaching down to pet Kkuma, “hi princess” you said softly to the pup, giving her a kiss before making your way up the stairs. The dog stretched and looked between you and Cheol before following you upstairs. As you did your nighttime routine after a hot shower, your mind kept wandering back to your so called friends. You had known them for years and never had they treated you like this, you and Tori had been attached at the hip until your relationship fell apart. They had all picked your ex, even though he was the one who cheated. After you moved she had reached out and you had been trying to mend that friendship, excited to see her again. You hadn’t realized you were crying until the hot tears dropped onto your cold skin. Crouched to the floor you let yourself properly mourn the loss of your friends.

Seungcheol was not watching the game, he could not care less about Baseball when his girl was upstairs. “Staring at the stairs isn’t going to make her come back down.” Joshua said, not taking his eyes off the tv. Seungcheol huffed, “just go, we’ll lock up when we leave.” Jeonghan added nudging his friend’s arm. He took the steps two at a time, pausing outside the bathroom door when he heard your muffled sobs. Opening the door slowly, “baby?” He found you curled up on the floor against your vanity, Kkuma at your feet. His heart broke seeing the red of your face and tears streaming down your cheeks. He made his way over to you, sitting down and pulling you into his lap, you buried your head into his chest. “I’m getting your shirt wet.” You sniffed. “I don’t like this shirt anyways.” He replied, running a hand down your hand soothingly. You lifted your head enough to look at this shirt. “I bought you this shirt.” You said with a pout. His hand froze, “I didn’t mean it, just shhhh it’s alright.” He chuckled, nudging your head back down.

He stayed with you until you had calmed down enough to finish your skin care before curling up with you in bed, kkuma snuggled up at the foot of the bed. “Are you going to get in trouble for this?” You asked quietly, tracing swirls up his arms that circled you. “I’ll handle it.” He retorted, “Cheol-“ “baby, there was not a force in this world that would have stopped me from coming to you. I will handle any publicity or heat from the company. Don’t worry.” He said before you could even start. You nodded and snuggled closer to him. “I love you Cheollie.” You said quietly, “thank you for loving me so well and always being here.” Cheol kissed the back of your neck where his head was currently resting. “I love you y/n. Get some rest.” You closed your eyes and let yourself fully relax after the night in the arms of the man who you knew would choose you every time.

A/N: ANDDDD that’s it folks! I hope y’all have enjoyed this🥰

@hi-cherry 🤍🤍

[rubberfuckey]

summary: After a worried phone call from Wheezie, you decide to come back to Kildare.

wc: 1.3k

a/n: This is set right after season three, let's pretend the time skip in the show doesn't exist (: This is my first post since 2020! Let me know what y'all think <3333 part two??? ;)

Eyes snapping open and with a rush of panic, you try to locate your piercingly loud phone tangled in the sheets somewhere next to you. Who the fuck would be calling me at whatever ungodly hour it is? Finally finding it, you damn near blind yourself with how bright it is and how unadjusted your eyes are. Squinting, too tired and agitated to read it, you swipe to answer the call like muscle memory. 

“Hello?” you huff.

“I’m sorry I know it’s late… but I have a favor to ask.”

“Wheeze? What’s going on? Are you okay?” Hearing her voice sits you straight up in your bed, she has never called this late or has ever asked of anything from you.

“I’m okay, kind of. I’m alive. It’s not me I’m worried about.”

“Wheezie-”

“I know,” she cuts you off, “nevermind it was stupid anyways.”

“No, Wheezie, talk to me.”

“It’s just, Rafe,” you flinch at hearing his name, “I’m scared. I’ve never seen him like this before. We know he’s already a pretty angry guy, but this is something different.”

You sit there quietly listening. You left Kildare a year ago, after a nasty breakup with Rafe and trying to break apart the unhealthy codependency you both developed. You transferred to a different state college but you always stayed in touch with Wheezie. Before you and Rafe went wrong, you were close with both his sisters and promised to stay in contact with the young girl you watched grow throughout your time with Rafe. No one knew of course, you and Rafe were completely no contact- opting to block his number after one too many heartwrenching voicemails while obviously under the influence of his favorite white powder. 

Sarah hadn’t tried to reach out, but from what Wheeze had mentioned she got herself distracted with a pogue-turned cop killer-who was proved innocent. What a shit show. You knew it all, countless Facetime calls caught you up to speed. You consoled her through the “death” of Sarah, the “death” of her father and what other trauma presented itself. Sometimes it was too much being constantly reminded of your ex, whom you still loved very deeply, but being there for this poor girl trumped how it made you feel. The feeling went both ways, she stopped you from coming back to the island quite a few times when she told you just how bad things have gotten, insisting that she would be okay, when in reality she really just needed a hug from her honorary sister. He was never brought up, you didn’t ask, she didn’t tell. Something in your gut told you it’s just better if you don’t know what had been going on with him. You appreciated her respecting that boundary. 

“The club is hosting some kind of party in Ward’s honor tomorrow. It’s weird, he was supposed to be dead months ago and the island is just now doing something in memory of him. Probably Rose organized it or something, who knows. Anyways,” she stopped and took in a deep breath, “Rose wants us all to be there and speak about him in front of everyone. I went to ask Rafe what he planned on saying to hopefully find some inspiration but he just went on and on about how ‘the pogues killed him on purpose’ and how ‘they have another thing coming to them if they think they’re just going to get away with it’. I’ve seen him mad before, I’ve watched him punch holes through the walls, scream, yell, and cry. But this…” she trails off, inhaling deeply after her fast paced rant. 

You sigh, not knowing what to say, “Give me some time to get a bag packed and get on the road, and I’ll be there.”

“I’m sorry, I wouldn’t bother you with his dramatics if I didn’t think it was important.”

“Hey, don’t apologize, I’m glad you told me. I’ll be there soon, just keep working on what you want to say. I’ll help you brainstorm tomorrow while I’m driving if you need me to.”

“Thanks, Y/N. You’re seriously the best.”

“Keep your head up Wheeze, get some rest and maybe steer clear of your brother for a little bit.”

After hanging up, you sigh and stare up at your ceiling. Shit.

-

The drive back to the OBX gave you time to think, what would you actually be walking back into? Was his grief manifesting itself into the kind of anger and violence that could be fatal to anyone he saw at fault? You shuddered at the thought. Pulling in to your parent’s driveway, you sent a text to Wheezie telling her you just got in and you’ll meet her at the country club. You could name about a thousand and one places you would rather be than under the same roof as Rafe Cameron for the first time in over a year, but you wanted to pay your respects and be there to support the people that had turned into your bonus family during your 2 year relationship with Rafe. 

“You ready honey?” your mom asks as you slip on your shoes to match the black dress you had chose. 

“As I’ll ever be.” 

The car ride was quiet, your anxiety was palpable as you bit your nails down and bounced your leg uncontrollably. Walking in the familiar doors, all you saw was the looks on people’s faces as they realized you were back on the island and here no less. Pretty much everyone knew who you were, your family’s status not much different from the Cameron’s themselves. You were known as the sweet girl from the affluent family who smiled politely at everyone who looked in your direction and would never hurt a fly. Rafe’s reputation was quite the opposite. When you and Rafe had made your first entrance together at Midsummers at the age of 17, it was the talk of the island. Ignoring the stares and whispers, you held your head high and looked for Wheezie.

Standing next to a huge photo of Ward leant against an easel stood Rafe, watered down whiskey in hand as he blankly looked around at the people in the room. If one more person awkwardly gave him a tight lipped look of sympathy, he was going to lose it. He heard people murmuring and the looks in his direction seemed to increase. Shaking off the feeling like everyone knew something he didn’t, he downed his drink and made his way over to get another. Sofia caught him before he reached the bar and assumed her position under his arm. 

“Maybe slow down on the whiskey?” She meant well, but damn did he need another drink. Looking at her blankly, he kept moving towards the bartender. His father was dead, who gives a fuck how much alcohol his grieving son intakes. Kelce walks into the room from the hallway, looking around frantically, catching sight of Rafe as  he beelines toward him, out of breath. 

“Yo, Rafe, Y/N is here.” 

Rafe nearly chokes on his drink as he looks at Kelce with an unreadable expression, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Y/N, I just saw her walking in with my own two eyes bro.” 

He sets his glass back down and suddenly Sofia was right all along, he needs to slow down on the whiskey if you were really here. He thinks back to the last time he saw you, all the screaming and crying and pleading with you not to leave. Even with the past year's events, he puts losing you at the top of the list of the most painful things he’s ever been through. He understands why you left and couldn’t blame you, but damn did he miss you like you were the air he needed to breathe. You walked in, obviously looking for something or someone as he watched your eyes scan the room until they caught his. He immediately felt nauseous. I’m going to puke, you thought.

part two

[missacidburn928s-heathenhideaway]

Why you calling me tonight?

Ex!August Walker x POC!Reader

Walter Marshall x POC!Reader

Summary:

The grass is never truly greener on the other side and all that jazz. It is never easy to walk away from something you love, but sometimes it’s the best thing you can do. Just remember, the better tended garden will always produce the brightest blooms.

Warnings:

Exes, Smut, Shameless Smut, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Gratuitous Smut, Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, Phone Sex, Rough Sex, Oral Sex, Possessive Sex, August Walker Lives (Mission: Impossible), Light Angst, Love Triangles

Notes:

Hello Heathens! Here's a story that just wouldn't leave my mind after I heard the song "Not Like Alice" by SkyeChristie. It just paired so well with August and Walter. Happy Reading!!! *I do not own the rights to any lyrics used in this fic*

Divider @firefly-graphics Banner @cafekitsune

I was August Walker’s first, and probably only love. I supported him going into the CIA, and welcomed him home with open arms whenever he would return from a mission. Until he changed. He grew distant, and rarely came home. He was always with a fellow female agent “Alice” and I had suspicions that they might be more than just colleagues. Instead of causing myself more pain by snooping, and confirming my suspicions, I chose to pack up my things and leave everything behind. Including him. He had always been a hardened grump to my soft sunshine but this new hardness, the rays of my light could not penetrate. It is never easy to walk away from something you love, but sometimes it’s the best thing you can do.

Five years have passed since I left, with barely a peep from August. I’m not sure if that is due to  a lack of caring or throwing himself deeper into his work and Alice. No matter, I’m happy with the life I currently lead, running a small used books store that I just so happen to live above. 

I’m also very happy spending time with one Detective Walter Marshall. Clearly I have a type. We’ve kept it casual so far, as his schedule is forever changing. He tells me that he doesn't want to tie me down when I could be cozying up to someone who has more time. That doesn't stop him from spending late nights worshiping my body though. According to the grizzly man, I’m the perfect stress reliever.

Tonight, Walter was able to make it over for dinner and a movie. We’re all cuddled up on the couch when my phone begins to ring with an unknown number. Without thinking much of it, I pick it up, only to hear the unmistakable baritone that haunts my dreams of days past. 

“Hello, baby girl. Did you miss me?”

I let out a shaky breath. “Of course I missed you. I never stopped. Just like my love never did. But it’s been five years, August. Why are you calling me tonight?”

Walter was well aware of who August was to me. I never hid the reason I ended up in this town. He found my courage to leave quite attractive actually. He was glad I knew what I was worth. Although we weren’t exclusive, August calling me out of the blue did put him on alert. I'm not sure how things will play out but I know, deep down in my bones, he is not going to leave me to handle this on my own. Not if he has a chance to make things finally official and put his claim on me. 

“You were on my mind. Have been since you snuck away from me.” August chuckles. “It was surprisingly difficult to find you. I had to call in a favor from an old friend. I still have the note you left behind.”

My bags are stacked neatly next to the door, awaiting my exit. Three bags was all I was taking with me. Packed with all the things that held meaning to me. Everything else can be replaced when I reach my final landing place. I can’t bring myself to completely ghost him, even if I am leaving like a thief in the night while he is away. The love I still have for him is what leads my hand to scrawl across a page and leave the wounded pieces of me behind. 

I miss how you touched my skin Before I knew where else you’d been Felt your promise growing thin Had to leave before you did Want forgiveness for your sins I’m not like Alice She knows how to twist a knife She knows how to start a fight She’s knows how to fuck you right She’s the kind of girl you like I’m not like Alice It's not your fault Thought you wanted sugar You chose salt I never meant to be your black sheep With all my silly thoughts I mean no malice I’m just not like Alice

“Still in touch with Lloyd I see.” I calmly state. “How’s Alice?”

“Wouldn’t know. I’ve been on a special assignment.” 

“Hm. How convenient.” I hum.

At this point Walter takes the phone from my hand, putting it on speaker and setting it on the arm of the couch.

“Such sass. I wasn't expecting that. You were always such a good girl for me. Happy to take whatever I gave you.” August taunts.

Walter slowly begins to peel my leggings, and panties down my legs. He then proceeds to maneuver my body so that I am on all fours, facing my phone on the arm of the couch. He leaves a trail of soft kisses along my inner thighs. Blowing on my hot weeping slit before teasing my clit with his tongue. 

I try to hold in my moans, but my strained voice, accompanied by the Walters growls as he devours my pussy from behind, has August hanging up, and switching to a video call. 

“Go head baby, answer it,” Walt commands. He places a pillow under my hips to raise them higher. So that I can remain comfortable while he fucks me stupid. 

I prop the phone up, clicking accept on the call, and Augusts’ chiseled, mustache sporting face appears on the screen. Just as he opens his mouth to speak, Walter slides himself inside of me. I close my eyes, moaning out, as I enjoy the stretch his girth always provides on that first thrust.

“What the fuck is this?!” August growls, “I knew something was going on, but did you really answer my video call with another man inside you?”

I can’t seem to formulate any words, as Walter gets to work destroying my perfect little pussy. But that’s okay, he is in full control, and has no problem speaking. “She sure as fuck did. You must be, August. The asshole who fucked up and let this little vixen get away. I should really thank you for that.” He thrusts in nice, and deep, making me cry out once again.

He doesn't hide what he is doing to my body. In fact, he gets a bit possessive, leaning forward and biting my neck. Dirty talking loud enough for the camera to pick up. “Fuck, sweetness, look at your little hole stretching around me. You’ve got a vice tight grip on my cock, baby girl.”

He tangles his hands in my hair, pulling my head back so that I can watch August lose his mind as he watches me succumb to the pleasure that Walter is providing. My eyes roll back as he picks up the pace and plays target practice with my g-spot. 

“That’s it, sweetness. You’re right there. I can feel your walls squeezing. Now be a good girl and come for me.” The grizzly detective demands, letting August know I’m his good girl now.

As if his words were a key to unlocking my orgasm, I come undone. Moaning out and writhing beneath him. Uncaring of the show I’m putting on for my ex. 

Walter is thankful for this coincidence. Glad that he made the time to come over tonight. This was the kick in the ass he needed to pull the trigger on locking me down for good. I’ve already met Faye. His ex wife adores me, and has even been pushing him to make it official. 

Now he’s going to mark my body up for the world to see. A proclamation of who I really belong to.

He ignores the angered voice, shouting from the screen, and lets his instincts take over further. He ruts into me with a ferocity I have never experienced from him before. It ratchets my orgasm up to a new level, as he seeks out a release of his own.

My voice is going hoarse from the abuse my voice box is taking, but I couldn’t care less. Not while I can feel Walter, fingers digging into the meat of my hips, surely leaving bruises behind. The dirty talk has all but disappeared. Leaving only grunts, groans and curses in its wake.

I manage to slam myself back against him. Meeting in the middle of each powerful thrust, when I lower my chest further into the couch. Raising my ass higher, allowing for Walter to fuck me even deeper. 

That instinctually submissive movement is the last straw holding back Walter’s impending climax. With what I can only classify as a roar, he buries his cock to the hilt, painting my womb white with his seed. 

He bites my shoulder, as his dick gives its finally twitch. Placing a kiss after to soothe the tender flesh. It’s decided, from here on out, only death could take him away from me.

“You have got to be fuckign kidding me?!” August screams into the phone. We both look up to see his hair disheveled, tie undone and shirt a mess. “If you think this little stunt is somehow going to keep me away from you. You’re sorely mistaken. You. Are. Mine.”

Unbothered, by the angry CIA agent, Walter reaches over and grabs the phone. “Say goodbye to August, sweetness. We have some aftercare to attend to.”

I snuggle up to Walter's scruffy chin, eyes closed and mumble out, “Goodbye August.”

As August continues his tirade, Walter hangs up the phone. He places a kiss on my forehead, before pulling out of my sensitive channel. Placing me in his lap, he proceeds to kiss each cheek, before pulling me in for a soft kiss on the lips.

“What do you say to a nice hot shower and then cuddles in bed while we watch scary movies?”

“Is clothing required after our shower?”

“Most certainly not, sweetness. I don’t want a single barrier between me and your delectable body tonight.”

“Mmm. Good answer.” I place your arms around his neck. “You may now proceed with the aftercare, Sir.”

He growls at the title. “I’m going to need to hear you screaming that later. For now, let’s get you pampered. Oh, and baby girl..”

“Yes, Sir.”

“You’re forever mine now. Let that asshole try and come take you away from me. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever let you go.”

[getitoutofmymindwrites]

Actually the amount of fanfics I’ve read where the couple does get back after he cheated on the girl is soooo much. Where are these I’m hearing that they don’t get back together?! Someone please give recommendations!

I’ve been cheated on not once not twice not 3 times BUT 4 TIMES 😝. I finally learned my lesson and stoped going back cos I was just being stupid and then I realized that I should stop fighting for someone who was disrespecting me. 

As for Joel, I don’t see a redemption. I’m sorry it’s just ugh. He brought that girl to his HOUSE the HOME he had with his WIFE. Joel is a grown ass man. He knew what he was doing. There’s no excuse betray his wife. And there’s also no way he’s fully sincere begging for forgiveness cos he knew what he was doing with another woman. He put himself first and didn’t care about how hurt his wife would be. To be put in that position is humiliating and oh so painful. I remember asking myself why over and over. I thought my love with exes would be more than enough for the both of us but it was just that. My love for them was more than the love they had for me. Cos if someone loves you and has their heart set on your relationship, future, and soul, they don’t do that. I wish I knew that earlier. I did love them but it wasn’t fair that it was just me putting the effort to make everything better. Also it was annoying after finding out about the cheating cos that’s when the men put in the effort. Funny how that works. 

But yeh those images and memories stay with you forever. Even if you say you forgive and forget. It’s not physically possible. 

If anyone wants unsolicited advice, don’t let your past memories of love keep you in the relationship. The months or even years of your relationship didn’t mean Jack shit to him or else he would’ve be committed to only you. The bad will forever be outweighed by the good. What I mean is that you will look at the relationships past different cos you won’t stop connecting it to what he did. You will try to let it go and build new memories to get rid of what he did but nothing will change what he caused to happen. Back to what I said earlier, don’t let your past memories of love keep you in the relationship. Those good memories will never have a future where they won’t lead to what he did. Don’t use them as an excuse to hold on to what you had. He didn’t care. 

I really tried. I did everything. Therapy, couples counseling, speaking with my pastor, taking a small break and then getting back together. But it was never the same. I have so many regrets. One of them is that I wish that every time that happened to me, I had let go of the relationship whenever they did. 

Totally up to you how you continue. I don’t know if reading more would be healthy for me cos I usually don’t like to read cheating stuff but there was something special about yours. 

It feels good to let everything out. Sorry. Maybe I said a whole bunch of nothing. 

Dear anon,

I'm so sorry this happened to you, no one should ever have to go through that emotional abuse.

Please, don't apologize, I'm glad you reached out and felt better by speaking your mind and I'm also so thankful and humbled for giving this fic a chance despite the warnings and the memories that it probably brought up in you.

I have to admit that you make some very good points. I do believe that is very hard to let go of these memories, even if you forgive your partner; your mind will always go back to that moment, like a stain on a white shirt you can't ignore, no matter how hard you try.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, I really appreciate it..

[sidebaxolotl]

I have a question for you if you wouldn’t mind answering. I’m a lesbian and I’ve been considering turning to religion and being side b, but my main question is why would God want me to suffer this much? Why would He let me date my girlfriend for 3 years, all of which has been blissfully happy and feels totally right and good, if He really wants me to give it all up and break both of our hearts? It doesn’t feel like sin to me. We didn’t even sleep with each other until we’d been together for a year because I found it very hard to get over my shame and they waited for me the entire time. Isn’t there that verse about the fruit something brings? Being a lesbian has brought nothing but joy into my life. In fact, the only suffering it’s caused me is when I used to try to be side b. I don’t see why God would want that for me if He allowed me to be made a lesbian.

And to be honest, it seems like most of the side b people I know struggle a lot with being side b, like it doesn’t come naturally to them. I wonder how you reconcile that difficulty and pain with believing that a good God would want this for you. You could make the argument that Satan wants you to suffer and is causing your temptation, but if that’s the case why doesn’t God just fix it, if He’s all powerful? Maybe He wants me to have free will, but I’ve asked Him countless times to make me straight so it’s not like I want to be gay.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just find this sort of thing really hard to wrap my head around, but I want there to be a good answer that I can hold on to.

Hey friend! To be honest I do understand where you're coming from. My relationship with my ex was one of the most wonderful things ive ever felt, and it did feel right and very good, unlike a lot of the sin in my life. Even now I struggle sometimes to reconcile that and I know if things hadn't ended so badly I'd be in your situation right now. I also prayed many times that God would make me straight (and for a while I thought it worked lmao). For a long time after The Breakup I struggled really hard with what to do, i was struggling with lesbian erotica/fandom content, wondering what to do with my faith, wondering if I should force myself to marry a man, crying out to God to curse Him or blame Him for my situation, for taking her away from me, etc. I fell into a very deep depression and was very close to unaliving myself over it (and other things). I had to go on medication for an extended period of time because I did not want to live. It was a really rough time in my life and I'm glad despite all the things that I said and did out of grief that I made it out of that period of my life with my relationship to God in tact. Letting go of sin, particularly sexuality related sin can be really hard because sin doesn't always feel bad. A lot of sin does and has immediate consequences, which makes it particularly easy to avoid/stop doing but a lot of it doesn't. We live in a world where sin has permeated the deepest reaches of our universe and our own bodies. Our own judgement apart from Christ cannot always be trusted:

"The heart is deceitful above all things,     and desperately sick;     who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

So it might not feel bad or wrong(it still doesn't feel that way to me personally), but we know God is objectively good and knows what is best, so if He says its bad, then its bad. There are reasons for this, but that's beyond the scope of this post so maybe another time. What I will also say though, is that the Christian life is hard in general and suffering is guaranteed. The apostles suffered--many of them endured gruesome deaths for the sake of the gospel, and even Jesus, the author and sustainer of our faith was abandoned by his friends and made to unjustly die on a cross with common criminals. If the son of God, the prince of peace, could not escape this fate then neither will we. This particular passage comes to mind:

"But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps" 1 Peter 2

The thing about Christian suffering is that none of it is meaningless. Because of God's grace and mercy He can use something that was never meant to exist (suffering and pain) and use it to bring us closer to Him and help build us into the people we should be, emulating God's character and love. These are some verses about suffering in regards to faith that I've found particularly helpful or enlightening:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" 2 Cor 4:16-18 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" James 1:2-4

And as Christians we know for sure our suffering is not eternal. When we shed this mortal coil we will never feel the sting of sin ever again. And when the New heavens and the New earth are brought to fruition we will experience life as it always was supposed to be. And even now my life isn't just suffering. I'm doing very well now. I'm no longer depressed, I'm off medication (with doctor approval). I genuinely love my life. I'm super satisfied with being single, i freaking love it honestly lol. And my relationship with God is stronger than its ever been. Being side b isn't always easy but it really is not a death sentence devoid of happiness either!

[writercole]

exile.

Words: 1611 Warnings: Very angsty. Breakup. Credits: Based on the song ‘exile’ by Taylor Swift. @princessmisery666 for the beta. A/N: I actually took a lot of delight in writing this one. So suffer. Lol. I'm just glad Stacey didn't murder me when she finished beta'ing.

The rare California rain storm repelled all but the most loyal patrons of The Hard Deck. The juke box was playing classic rock softly in the background, mingling with the soft clink of glasses and occasional burst of laughter. A handful of older veterans were sitting at the bar, swapping stories between gossip sessions about the young hot shots shooting pool in the back corner.

The cocky one, Hangman, strutted around the pool table, dominating the game he was playing with one of the other pilots. The smirk on his face grew with each shot he sank.

“Jesus, Bagman, give someone else a chance to play,” Phoenix called from the hightop table.

Hangman only chuckled, the eight ball rolling into the side pocket gently before he set the cue stick on the table and faced his colleagues. “There's only one problem, Phoenix,” he drawled, “I’m just too good to be true.”

The door creaked open and all eyes turned to the person walking in. Hangman’s breathing stopped when he saw his ex-girlfriend walking in mid-laugh. His feet started to take him across the room before a man stepped in behind her and rested his hand on her back.

Bile rose in his throat and he turned away, draining his beer as he stared out of the rain-spattered window, his eyes unfocused and his thoughts deep in the past.

One Year Earlier

It had been another night where she didn’t know where he was or when he’d show up. They hadn’t officially moved in together, but Jake Seresin spent almost every night there, only staying at his place when they fought, which had been more and more frequently in the past month.

She was sitting at the kitchen island when the door opened and shut, heavy footfalls bringing her boyfriend into view. She took in the slight flush on his cheeks and the glassy look in his eyes, determining that he’d been out drinking. Again.

“You didn’t answer my texts,” she stated quietly, turning the mug of tea in her hands. It had gone ice cold while she waited, the idea of taking a sip making her stomach turn.

Jake opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water before facing her. “Was on silent,” he grumbled.

“And you didn’t check it before you left work? Or before you left the bar?”

“I didn’t go to the bar,” Jake objected while avoiding her eyes.

“Jake, I can smell the alcohol on you. Your cheeks are flushed. Your eyes are glassy,” she pointed out. “If you didn’t go to the bar, where did you drink?”

Jake sighed and hung his head, leaning his hands on the counter.

“Why did you lie?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered.

“I can’t do this anymore, Jake,” she sighed, her voice cracking. “The fights, the drinking every night, now the lying. I know the man I fell in love with is still in there, somewhere, but this guy isn’t him. It isn’t you. And something has to give or I have to stop pretending he’s going to come back.”

Jake felt his heart shatter in his chest. He looked up and saw the tears spilling over her lashes and longed to reach out and dry them. But his head ignored his heart and his mouth blurted out words that, had he been sober, he never would have considered.

“You can’t do this anymore?” he scoffed. “You have to quit? No. I’ll make this simple. I’m done. We’re done.” He swiped his keys from the counter and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. 

The reality of the situation hit him all at once, his chest squeezing his lungs as if his rib cage had shrunk three sizes. He sank against the wall opposite the door and fought a losing battle with the sobs wracking his broad frame.

He wanted to go back inside and beg for forgiveness, promise that he’d change, that he’d open up, that he’d put her first. But his pride forced him to stay still, staring at the door and praying to anyone who would listen, every god he didn’t believe in, to just let her walk out, let her chase after him.

The problem with deities is that mortal suffering is their entertainment. The door remained closed.

She laughed as she and her boyfriend ran through the rain and he rushed ahead to pull the door open. She stepped in ahead of him, still chuckling at the raindrops clinging to his button down and mustache. The door shut and his arm slipped around her waist, guiding her towards the bar in the center of the room.

“Finish telling me the story about your dad and Mav,” she requested.

“Well, according to my mom, I wanted to be a cowboy for Halloween. And I made everyone else dress up, too,” Bradley explained. “But no one else could be a cowboy. Or a sheriff. Or a horse - they tried to do that. So, uh, I made all of them dress as old west prostitutes. I was two, I didn’t know what that was but I liked the costumes in the shop.”

“That sounds amazing,” she laughed, “I wish I could have seen that.”

“I have pictures,” he told her with a lop-sided grin.

“Pictures of what, Bradshaw?” the brunette behind the bar asked with a wide smile.

“Your boyfriend dressed like an old west whore,” he answered. “Penny, you remember -”

“I do,” Penny interrupted. “And you two should know that he’s here.”

She glanced at Bradley, and he gave a tight smile before they both scanned the bar.

Quickly, she found Jake, eyes locking as his fingers wrapped tightly around the neck of a beer bottle, his stare boring into her. The angered expression on his face a clear indication he would gladly come to blows with Bradley, probably without much cause.

“I can’t stay here,” she whispered, not taking her eyes off of the man glowering in the corner.

“Okay. Wait for me outside, sweetheart. I’m just going to go talk to Phoenix.” Bradley kissed her head and headed towards the tables, leaving her to say goodbye to Penny before hurrying out of the side door.

Jake’s grip on the beer bottle was so strong that his knuckles were turning white. The last thing he expected was for her to show up on Bradshaw’s arm.

He didn’t understand why he felt so defensive. He was the one who walked away, even if it was reluctant. Neither of them reached out aside from the happy birthday text he’d received from her. He’d ignored it.

“I need some air,” he growled when he saw Bradshaw plant a kiss on the top of her head. He slammed the beer bottle down on the table and stalked away, straight out of the front door onto the porch.

She was leaning against the wall in the shadows when she heard a door open. Looking to the side, she spied Jake a few feet away, leaning on the railing with his head down. She remained still, hoping that he’d go back inside and not see her.

He turned around and looked directly at her, crossing his arms over his chest and swallowing hard. Neither of them spoke for a long moment, the only sounds being the distant rumble of thunder and the spattering of rain drops on the roof.

Jake broke the silence. “Bradshaw? Really?” he spat.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your concern. Not anymore,” she retorted, trying to match the tone he’d used. He was the one who left. He ran, he didn’t try to work on it, he walked away.

“Are you going to quit on him, too?”

“You know that isn’t what happened, Jake,” she sighed.

“You packed up everything, all of the memories and love we shared, and in what, five minutes, I was out in the hallway.” He’d stepped forward, closing the distance between them, hating that she didn’t feel like home anymore. 

“Jake, don’t you dare act like I didn’t try and help you,” she growled through gritted teeth. “I tried for months and all you did was push me away. I talked, I cried, I begged for you to let me in, let me help. You didn’t want to fix us. The way you looked at me tonight, like you finally wanted to fight for me, just insulted me. I’m not your problem anymore. Don’t pretend like you’re offended that I’m here with someone else.”

Jake’s arms dropped to his sides and his mouth fell open, gaping at the pain in her eyes, the venom on her tongue. She was right. She had given him thousands of chances and tried so hard but he pushed her out.

He’d ignored the warnings. And she had exiled him. 

“Don’t give me that look,” she sighed, her voice cracking.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry I didn’t fight for us. I’m sorry I pushed you out. I’m just really sorry.”

“Sweetheart, you ready?” Bradley called from behind Jake, eyeing the pair of them curiously.

“Take care Jake,” she whispered as she walked past.

He grabbed her wrist gently and stopped her, kissing her cheek. “I will beat the mustache off of his face if he hurts you,” he told her.

“I know.” she gave him a small smile and turned away, slotting herself in Bradley’s arms.

Jake watched as Bradshaw helped her into his Bronco and ran around, jumping into the driver’s seat and shaking the water out of his hair, making her giggle before he drove away, leaving Jake staring at the taillights and dreaming of what could have been.

[asordinaryppl]

A3! Performance Event - Winter Troupe's Tenth Play: Nomadic Bartender - Episode 4

Guy: “Could you let me make you a cocktail now, at the end of my employment, Gin-san?”

Guy: “I’d like to cast a special spell on you.”

Guy: (I’ll try showing some more emotion here…)

Tasuku: Are you practicing by yourself? I will join you.

Guy: Thank you. I’m still working out the last scene.

Tasuku: Ahh, that part’s open to interpretation, so it makes things difficult, huh.

Guy: I understand that Whizz has made up his mind to erase Gin’s memories, but I cannot seem to act it out properly.

Guy: … In their world, associating with wizards brings nothing but trouble.

Guy: I believe Whizz has erased the memories of multiple people he has worked with.

Guy: But…

Tasuku: You may understand that in your mind, but something is keeping your body from moving. Isn’t that because of how you personally feel, Guy-san?

Tasuku: Mikage seemed to have the same problem as well.

Tasuku: If you two sit down and have a proper discussion, you might be able to resolve your issues and reach a conclusion.

Guy: You’re right… Thank you.

Tasuku: Also, we have a special practice room for our performance this time, don’t we?

Tasuku: You’d get a similar feel to the real thing if you practice at your bar, so why not give it a try?

Guy: I see. I will try inviting Mikage as well.

-

Hisoka: … I’ll go put up the signboard now.

Guy: Yeah. I will leave that to you.

-

Tooru: …

Hisoka: ?

Tooru: Ah—

Hisoka: … Come in.

Tooru: Ah, ummm…

Hisoka: We’re already open, so…

Tooru: Excuse me, then…

Hisoka: … Were you not planning on coming in?

Tooru:  Ah, no, I was. I wanted to drink the owner’s cocktail again, but I just couldn’t find the courage to come in by myself…

Tooru: Thank you for reaching out.

Hisoka: … You’re free to come in any time you’d like.

Tooru: Thank you for saying that.

-

[Door jingling]

Tooru: … Good evening.

Guy: — Welcome. Nice to see you again.

Guy: What would you like to drink?

Tooru: Let’s see… Perhaps the same as last time, what was it called again…

Guy: Moscow Mule it is.

Tooru: Thank you very much…

Guy: Were you on your way home from work?

Tooru: I had the day off from work today and happened to be in the area checking out some fishing equipment. I noticed it’s about time you opened shop, so I was thinking of stopping by before going home.

Guy: You have my thanks. Do you like fishing?

Tooru: I do. I go to fishing ponds quite often, too.

Guy: Truth be told, I enjoy fishing as well… I don’t often have time to go very far, so fishing ponds are quite convenient.

Tooru: Is that so!

Tooru: Honestly, I would love to fish in the sea, but it’s been tough to get out… Flatfish and rockfish are great catches.

Guy: There’s no feeling quite like cooking the fish you caught yourself.

Tooru: Ohhh, so you also cook, how nice!

Guy: My apologies for making you wait.

Tooru: Thank you.

Tooru: … Whew. I’m sure your personality also plays a part, but the atmosphere in this bar is quite relaxing.

Tooru: Bars have always been sort of intimidating to me, but I’m glad Syu-san brought me here.

Guy: I’m very happy to hear that.

Tooru: I have a stable job as a director nowadays, but back when I was an actor, I was very poor…

Tooru: Even though I enjoyed drinking, I didn’t drink much in order to save money.

Tooru: My ex-wife also left due to our financial struggles…

Tooru: Truth be told, my ex-wife is Zahran, so I felt a certain connection to this place.

Tooru: My son from my previous marriage also lives in Zahra.

Guy: ——

Tooru: Sir? Um…?

Hisoka: … This is on the house.

Tooru: Oh? Are you sure?

Guy: Ah, yes. This is a Zahran recipe, please help yourself.

Tooru: Thank you very much.

Guy: Is your son still in Zahra…?

Tooru: Yes… I had planned to go get him, but in the end we remained separated.

Tooru: My ex-wife told me not to try to get in contact with him, because he’s happy there with her, and that was it. … I must sound pretty pathetic, huh.

Tooru: All I wanted was to make my son and ex-wife happy.

Guy: … I am certain your son does not hold it against you.

Tooru: … I really hope that is the case.

Tooru: I apologize, I ended up talking about something strange. I wasn’t planning to stay long, so I’ll take my leave now.

Tooru: I’ll come again when I find the time.

Guy: Um, if I may ask, what is your last name?

Tooru: … It’s Nishiki.

Tooru: What about– no, never mind. Excuse me.

Guy: Thank you for your patronage…

[Door jingling]

Guy: …

Hisoka: Guy, could that person be…

Guy: … He is my father. Of that, I have no doubt.

Hisoka: Shouldn’t you have told him so…?

Guy: I think it’s best I do not.

Guy: He has a family of his own now. If I tell him, I will cause him nothing but trouble.

Hisoka: …

Guy: I will, however, find the opportunity to tell Citronia and the Winter Troupe that I have found my father.

Hisoka: Okay…

previous episode | masterpost | next episode

[therealmsdelulu]

hm how bout something based off the song “don’t forget about us” by mariah carey where the reader and jonah dated for a couple years but eventually broke off…fast forward to now on one night where jonah shows up at the reader’s door regretting he moved on with his current gf and the reader shows him not to forget about what they had *wink wink* 🤭 (sorry this was too long-)

Don’t Forget About Us

Summary: Reader and Jonah broke up a while ago. Jonah got a new girlfriend but can’t get over what him and the reader had. Inspired by “Don’t forget about us” by Mariah Carey.

A/N: This is lowkey horrible, didn’t really know how to wrte the whole Ex’s to Lovers trope so please bare with me lol. Sorry this took so long.

Warnings: A little spicy towards the end.

Pairing: Jonah x Blk!reader

You and Jonah broke up about 7 months ago. Having dated for 3 years it was a very difficult break up. You couldn’t deal with his constant leaving, of course you knew his job before the two of you got together but you didn’t expect him being gone so often.

You were scrolling through instagram when you came across a picture of Jonah and a girl who looked creepily similar to you. “He clearly has a type,” you mumbled to yourself before liking the photo with the intention of being petty.

You decided you had better things to do than stalk your ex’s instagram so you got up and made yourself something to eat before sitting down on the couch and binge-watching your favourite show.

Your attention was diverted from the TV when you heard a knock on your door. You sighed before getting up from your comfortable position on the couch and opened the door to see Jonah standing in your doorway.

“What are you doing here,” you asked, a hint of confusion in your tone.

“I needed to see you,” he claimed. “Can I come in?” he asked hopefully and you moved to the side so that he could enter.

“Won’t your girlfriend be expecting you?” you asked cocking an eyebrow at the man in front of you.

“We broke up,” he informed you.

“You’re quick,” you remarked. “It’s been what 3 months and you’re already calling things off,” you asked teasingly.

“Every time I see you, I pretend I'm fine,” Jonah said. "I wanna reach out to you,” he admitted, "But I turn and I walk and I let it ride."

"I must confess, we were bigger than anything” you said as you walked closer to Jonah. "Remember us at our best,” you told him as you inched closer to him. "And don't forget about late nights, playing in the dark, and waking up inside my arms,” you whispered, reminding him of all the good memories you had created together.

"You'll always be in my heart,” Jonah confessed and he looked down at him smiling softly.

"I can see it in your eyes you still want it,” you added taking note of the way he was looking at you,"So don't forget about us"

“You know,” Jonah began as he returned the smile, "Nothing can compare to your first true love.”

You smiled at his words before gently cupping his face. “I’m glad you finally realized,” you teased and he put his hand up to reach yours.

“I think I really want to kiss you right now,” he whispered looking into your eyes for permission.

“Well I won’t stop you,” you claimed as he began to lean in and kiss you, his hands finding their familiar spot on your waist. The kiss wasn’t rushed, it was slow and passionate just like how they used to be.

“I really missed you,” he said quietly, his hands traveling lower down your body.

“Just me or did you miss something else,” you teased as you felt his hands travel lower and lower.

“Why don’t I just show you,” he suggested as he looked down at you and began to unbutton his shirt.

[aheckinmess]

(One-shot series 2/3 chapters posted - posts regularly on Saturdays. If anyone knows who to credit for the Hizashi fanart, please let me know!)

Read on AO3.

Tags: Graphic violence, Hizashi Yamada x OC, Present Mic, Present Mic saves the day, Hizashi Yamada is a ray of sunshine, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, pro hero to the rescue, fast friends, hibachi date, time for therapy

Word Count: 4,612 words

Summary: Breaking free of Kigai’s control grants Ichijiku the freedom she’s always dreamed of, but recovering from it isn’t easy. With Hizashi’s help, Ichijiku is able to make more progress towards a normal life, and maybe even a normal relationship.

Author's Note: I haven't posted fanfiction in years, but after a two-year obsession with My Hero Academia, I have more than enough content to share. This first series is pretty dark, but there's some comfort and sweetness along the way. Enjoy.

TW: Implied/Referenced Sexual, Physical, and Emotional Abuse, PTSD Flashbacks

Chapter 2: Nightmares & New Horizons

Ichijiku (Tigress)

Sometimes lullabies keep the nightmares away and sometimes Kigai sings them to me in my dreams. Life hasn’t been the same since he’s been locked up. It’s a far cry better, but an adjustment. Still, it feels good to stretch my legs and breathe again.

As days stretch into weeks, I find Hizashi again. He’s sitting on a bench outside the arcade with that huge smile stretched wide, hands behind his head, and head bopping to the beat of his headphones. When I tap him and he opens his eyes, he lights up.

“Ichijiku! Wow, hey!” He immediately gets up and makes like he’s going to hug me, then seems to think better of it and puts his hands in his pockets. “How’ve you been?”

I still find myself glancing around in public to keep a periphery watch out for Kigai, and I can’t stop myself now. The feeling of dread he imparted on me hasn’t left, it’s merely fading into the background. “I’ve been…it’s been a lot of work, you know, trying to move on. But, I think I’m doing okay.” I want to be optimistic about the whole endeavor. My therapist says that’s what’s helped me survive this long: the hope of a better horizon. I want to keep that part of me alive and prove Kigai was wrong about everything.

I want to prove that to myself too.

“How are you?”

“Well, I…I’ve actually been thinking a lot about you.” He admits sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “See, a lot of times we can’t get solid evidence on people like…your ex.” He’s very careful not to say his name. I can’t tell whether I’m grateful for it or not yet. I don’t want to be afraid of him anymore. Wounds take time to heal, Little One. “So they frequently get back out because of how well they hide the damage they’ve dealt.” It’s the first time his smile hasn’t fully reached his eyes as he looks at me, but it’s back in place soon enough. “But I’m glad to see that you’re still on your own and thriving! I mean, look at that outfit! Those curly locks and those sparkling eyes! You’ve made a lot of progress since I last saw you.”

“That means a lot, Hizashi.” A real smile graces my lips. How different he is from Kigai. If it weren’t for people like him…I’d still be stuck in hell. “Hey, why don’t I grab your number? I can keep you updated on things. And I’ll need a friend for certain assignments given to me by my therapist. I don’t really have anyone to keep me accountable for the hard tasks.” Worry and guilt suddenly swirl in my stomach and I stop pulling out my phone midway. “I-I mean. That’s a lot to burden you with, I’m sorry. I should have asked and not offered–”

“Hey, no sweat!” Hizashi looks like Christmas came early. He pulls out his phone, presses the new contact button and taps it against my phone peeking out of my pocket. “I imagine finding new friends…learning what feels like a whole new way of life…that has to be difficult. I’ll gladly help you out when times are rough!” 

“Thanks.” I sigh in relief as I look at the contact number and picture now synced to my phone. I snort. “What is this picture?”

“That’s my best friend’s cat, Cloud! He…got a little too enthusiastic about hogging the camera while I was taking a profile pic.” He laughs.

“It’s adorable!” A notification pops up and I start walking away, giving him a wave. “Oh! Got an appointment, gotta run!” 

“I’ll see you later!”

. . . . .

 Hey, Zashi, Kigai isn’t staring at me from the hallway, is he? I take a picture of the ghost in my hall, frozen with fear as tears glisten on my cheeks. “I’m sorry, Kigai, please go away.” 

His eyes bore into mine. You know the consequences for disobeying me, bitch. You weren’t supposed to tell anyone! I can smell the eucalyptus on his shirt and the minty tang of his gum. “Please, Kigai, I’m sorry…” I whimper, scooting around while feeling for the door to my bedroom. He’s going to hit me. He’s going to punish me so bad! Get away from him, Cub. Get a door between the two of you and lock it.

My phone rings and I bolt. I slam my door behind me and lock it. I search for the first thing I can to put between me and Kigai and start heaving my dresser in front of the door. Then I rush into the adjoining bathroom, lock the door, and hop in the tub, pulling the shower curtain. 

I finally answer the phone. “Zashi?” I choke out. “Zashi, he’s here. I need help.”

“Hey, Ichan, hey. I saw the picture. Kigai’s not there.” Hizashi’s voice swirls in the background. “Take a few deep breaths.”

My body jolts as I hear his voice screaming through the door. You know better than to run from me, whore! “Zashi, he’s trying to get through! He keeps yelling at me, please help…” I sob, clutching my phone close to my ear and clenching my eyes shut tight. “Stop, stop, stop…please, stop, I’m sorry…” I pant, peeking out from the shower curtain and feeling grateful Kigai hasn’t made it through the barriers I’ve set between us.

“Ichan, you’re having a flashback.” Hizashi coos through the receiver. “I need you to take a few good deep breaths for me. Tell me what you see.”

I try to listen. I really do. I suck in a heavy breath through my lips and grip the lip of the bathtub so hard my knuckles turn white. My chest aches on the exhale and I shove my free palm into my eye so hard I see spots. 

“What do you see, Ichan?”

I swallow and pull back, opening my eyes as my body trembles.

“Th-There’s,” You better open this goddamn door, brat! “Th-There’s my shower curtain…and…” Who the hell are you talking to?! 

“What’s on the shower curtain?” 

“Zashi, if he finds out I’m talking to you, he’ll hurt you.” I whimper. I’m scared to hang up the phone and face punishment. I’m scared to keep talking and watch Kigai hunt Hizashi down.

“Ichijiku, what’s on the shower curtain?”

“There’s seashells.” After all I’ve fucking done for you.

“What kind of seashells? What colors?”

“There’s a light pink…and lavender…blue…” I once again peek out the curtain.

And I promptly let out a shriek and throw my phone across the bathroom. What the fuck are you doing in the bathtub hiding from me?! “I’m sorry!” I cry, curling up against the porcelain and covering my head. Rough fingers grip my arm and I hear his voice growling in my ear. You know who you belong to, don’t you? Why the fuck are you letting those nobodies look at you like that?! Pain bleeds through my back as I try to placate him. “Please, Kigai, they didn’t mean it. Please stop.” I’ll stop when you know no one else’s body but mine. His hands grip my thighs and dread settles in my bones.

I don’t know how long he spends growling obscenities in my ear and raking his fingers over every surface of skin he can touch. But I know I hear the door open and my whole body clenches. No. If someone comes in here Kigai’s going to kill them! 

“Ichijiku?” Hizashi’s voice echoes in the bathroom. “It’s me. It’s Hizashi.” 

You know this sleaze just wants to take advantage of you while you’re vulnerable, yeah? You belong to me! I whimper and try to draw air in my lungs. “Zashi, run!” I beg.

“Ichan, take a deep breath.” He says on the other side of the curtain. “Take a big, deep breath. You’re safe. Kigai’s not here.” You fucking whore!

I choke on the oxygen I’m trying to take in but dammit I breathe. I inhale and I exhale. Kigai’s hands tilt back and forth between feeling ghostly and real. I inhale and I exhale. “Zashi, you have to run…” I whimper.

“You’re safe, Ichan.” The warmth in his voice starts wrapping around me again. “Kigai’s not here. You’re safe.”

I inhale and I exhale. I slowly uncurl from my ball when I no longer feel Kigai’s hands roaming my body. I inhale and I exhale. The smell of eucalyptus and mint fades into the rusty smell of the tub. The sound of my air freshener spraying out apple cinnamon seems to emphasize the dismissal of his scent all around me. I inhale and I exhale.

I slowly rise in the tub and ease the shower curtain back.

Sitting against the bathroom wall, Hizashi looks at me with glistening, patient eyes. My phone still sits on the floor right beside him. When he notices I’m looking, he makes a big show of taking a deep breath in, and a deep breath out.

I inhale and I exhale as I sluggishly crawl out of the tub.

“Zashi?” I breathe, looking warily around the bathroom. I creep towards the door, open it, and then hop back out of view. I look in the mirror to see if anyone’s in my room, but it’s empty. “Is he gone?” 

“You’re safe, Ichan.” Hizashi says, looking up at me. “Kigai’s not here.” 

“You’re sure he’s gone?” I whimper, creeping to the doorframe and eyeing every crack and crevice that might be out of place. Nothing has moved except the dresser. “Did you move the dresser?” I ask frantically.

“Take a deep breath, Ichan.” He tells me, and I inhale and I exhale. I listen, and he starts slowly standing up, grabbing my phone along the way. “I picked the lock when I heard you scream. I had to shove the dresser back with the door to get in. I wanted to make sure you were safe, and you are. You’re safe, Ichan. Kigai’s not here.”

Security blankets me and as my pulse evens out, a heavy wave of exhaustion washes over me. My eyelids are harder to hold open and my shoulders sag. He’s not here. He never was. It was a flashback, just like he said. You’re strong, Little Cub. We made it through another flashback. It’s going to be okay. We’re safe now.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” Hizashi asks. “Give you a hug? I don’t want to frighten you.”

I survey my emotions and analyze how I’m feeling. When I’ve taken a few more deep breaths and feel more confident, I nod. 

Two, strong arms pull me into a warm chest. I hear the steady beating of Hizashi’s heart and close my eyes, drinking in the security that just being near him brings. I breathe in time with that strong beat of his heart. 

“You’re safe.” He whispers, and I squeeze him a little tighter. Please don’t leave. 

“I’m sorry.” A few of my tears decorate his shirt. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” He croons, rubbing up and down my back. “Flashbacks can be vivid. I’m just glad I was able to help. You don’t have to worry about him anymore, though. I’m here.” 

. . . . .

For the next few weeks, my therapist asks me to write down detailed accounts of my flashbacks so we can analyze my triggers and try to minimize them. It sucks, but writing them down helps us figure out that eucalyptus is in the Stress Relief pillow mist I use and causes most of my flashbacks at night. We also learn that I’m more sensitive to auditory triggers, like songs he used to play in the car or abrupt loud sounds.

It doesn’t happen every time, thankfully, which is good considering Hizashi’s been trying to help me acclimate to a normal life. He’s been taking me out to different places in the hopes of showing me the finer points of life. We’ve been to the arcade, had a picnic in the park, and he’s even taken me to a music store and serenaded me while playing the piano. I’ve also met a few of his friends: Nemuri, Shouta, and Oboro.

Both myself and my therapist are impressed with the amount of help he’s offered to my situation. We’re both cautiously optimistic, though. 

Kigai started out all sunshine and rainbows, too, after all. 

Which table are you at? I text Hizashi as I step into the hibachi restaurant. The heat of the room feels good as the impending winter sets in. I love cold weather. I look around for a pair of familiar orange sunglasses. 

Hey! The table in the far back. You won’t be able to see me from the front.

I start heading that way, and smile when his yellow eyes meet mine. I’ve never been more grateful to hear blissful silence accompanying a tender gaze.

“Hey, glad to see you found the place okay.” He hops up the second he sees me and pulls the chair out for me to have a seat. It’s been a while since I’ve been pampered by an actual gentleman. “This place has a great atmosphere, and the food is amazing!”

“Yeah, it’s really warm and vibrant.” I agree as I get situated in the chair and he pushes me in. I twirl a piece of hair around my finger nervously as I look around at the crowd of people at other tables. What if they’re watching me? Kigai will– He’s not here, Dear One.

“Look at me.” Hizashi says, staring across the table and drawing me in with his essence. “There you go. No need to worry. I’m here.”

“Thanks.” I chuckle nervously, still twirling my hair as a comfort. “What would you recommend from here?” 

“You’ve got to try the freckled lemonade. Unless you’re allergic to strawberries. Then, don’t.” Hizashi laughs, opening his menu. “But aside from that, the shrimp hibachi is killer! I’m salivating just thinking about it.”

I’ll grab the shrimp hibachi then, as it’s probably the simplest and one of the cheaper menu items. I wasn’t exactly left with a lot in my bank account to compensate for what Kigai took from me. I think with some financial anxiety. 

Once we’ve made our decisions and the waiter has taken our orders, there’s a group of girls that walk by laughing. One of them gives me some side-eye and I instantly start fussing with my outfit. I pull up the shoulders of my burnt orange blouse and adjust my cardigan. Fatass. You know if you ate less I might have fewer men looking at your thick curves.

“You look gorgeous.” Hizashi says, and I snap my head up with worry. He flushes and holds up his hands, waggling them nervously. “I-I mean, you seemed worried about those girls and I just wanted you to know that you didn’t have to fix up anything. They were probably just jealous that you look so good…I-I mean! Well…oh man…” He rubs his shoulder as he fumbles over his words.

“It’s okay, Zashi.” I also flush, but only because I don’t think I’m worthy of his flustered manner. “I’m probably just overreacting anyway. I can’t…seem to turn off my anxieties.”

“It’s to be expected. You’re doing great based on what you’ve gone through.” He reaches across the table and squeezes my hand, rubbing his thumb over the sensitive skin there. “You don’t have to be afraid around me.”

“I know.” I breathe, looking at our hands and feeling  a strange combination of terror and warmth. Am I afraid of how good he makes me feel? You’re afraid of getting close and getting hurt again. I don’t want to be afraid of Hizashi. 

“I’m sorry.” Hizashi pulls his hand back and gives me a smile. “I forget that touch is still hard for you. As I’m sure you know now, I’m a dramatic and expressive person. If I ever make you feel uncomfortable, please let me know.”

“You don’t.” I promise, looking up at him and instantly regretting the absence of his touch. “I’m…just scared.” I look down. “I’m scared of getting too close to you. I enjoy your company, but I’m afraid you’re too good to be true. I’m afraid you’ll either end up like Kigai or I’ll do something wrong and you’ll leave.” My eyes start watering.

The silence between us stretches on as we eat our food and Hizashi looks thoughtful over his next words. When he swallows a bite of rice, he opens his mouth to speak again.

“I can’t make you trust that I’m not like Kigai. That’s something I know will come with time. But I can do my best to reassure you that even if you do something to upset me, I’m willing to communicate with you and not just leave you.” He opens and closes his mouth a few more times before sighing. “I care about you too much as a friend to leave you without trying to save the relationship first.”

When the words as a friend cut to my heart, I understand why I’m so scared. I take a deep breath. I’m falling in love with him, and I’m scared. You’ve been hurt. You’re allowed to be afraid…but you’re also allowed to love again. I don’t know if I’m ready to love again. And that’s okay. You can take your time. But I don’t want to lose him, either. I don’t know if I’m ready to watch him find love with someone else, but I don’t know if I’m ready to claim him as my own. I’m too scared. Then tell him that. In those words. I can’t…

I fix my face into a smile. “Thank you, Zashi.”

For the rest of dinner, I stew over my thoughts while I laugh at Hizashi’s jokes and stories. Between the ambient atmosphere and his glowing presence, I feel full of optimism as he walks me home.

It’s while I’m digging for my keys at the door that he throws me for a loop.

“Hey, um, Ichijiku?” His voice shakes, which is unusual for him.

“Yes, Hizashi?” I turn, pulling my key ring from my purse. 

He takes a step forward until he’s close enough I can smell his cologne. 

“I know that you’re going through a lot right now, and I want you to know that I’m proud of you for pushing through.” At first, he seems ready to leave it at that, but he opens his mouth again and looks at me with pink cheeks. “So, I have no right to ask this given what you’ve already gone through, but is it okay if I kiss you?”

I hold my breath. My chest gets tight and my muscles seize. You belong to me, got it? “Hizashi…”

“If the answer is no, that’s okay.” He says quickly. “I’m not trying to force you into anything and I certainly don't want to bring up any unhappy memories for you. I just…couldn’t go any longer without seeing where you stood. I was scared if I waited too long, I might lose the opportunity.”

Why does that sound exactly like what I was thinking in the restaurant? How do I tell him that I love him but I’m not ready? Say exactly that. Once the ground beneath me stops swaying and the beat of my heart returns to normal, I look up at him.

“Zashi, the answer is no…but not because I don’t have feelings for you.” I watch as his eyes dim and light up again. “I don’t know if I’m ready to make that kind of commitment. I want to be. I wish I could tell you yes, but I can’t.” I reach up and caress his cheek. His hand wraps around mine as he leans into my hold, his expression akin to that of an adoring puppy. “And it’s not fair of me to want you this much and ask you to wait for me.” My voice gets tight. I want you to hold me and keep me close, but I’m afraid if I let you, you’ll choke me. And I’m not worth the wait. I’m not worth the work and the effort so I know you’ll walk away and I’m sorry. “So, you don’t have to wait for me. But if it’s any consolation, I think I have it in me to do this.” I lean up on my tiptoes, and place a tearful kiss on his cheek.

“I love you, Hizashi, even if you’re not meant to be mine.” I swallow thickly and turn away to unlock my door before disappearing inside.

. . . . .

Hey, Ichi, can we talk?

Ichan, are you there?

I’m going to grab frozen yogurt later, want to join?

I’m starting to worry about you. Can you at least tell me if you’re okay?

Ever since the night we’ve had dinner, Hizashi has still checked in on me regularly. I’ve been trying to distance myself in the hopes that by doing so, he’ll stop trying to reach out and move on with his life. 

He proves to be rather stubborn.

I’m sorry if I’ve worried you. I’m fine. I finally send, not wanting him to think I’m in any sort of trouble.

I’m glad to hear it! The response comes in seconds. Are you free?

That’s where I stop. I can’t entertain this. I’ve already told him that he’d have to wait for me, and I’m not worth the time. Shouldn’t he get to decide what’s worth his time? 

I hug my knees to my chest on the couch and stare out the window overlooking the city. Everything is colder now that winter’s hit. Frost paints the windowpane and people walk down the streets blowing smoke from their lips. The cold would be much more enjoyable if I had Hizashi’s warmth to complement it.

My jaw clenches as frustration mounts. I don’t want to push him away but… Then why are you? Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be? Shouldn’t I be proud of myself for communicating my needs clearly? My therapist is certainly proud I’ve set boundaries and worked on coping skills. With all of this handled, we’ve been able to work on how to respond to my flashback triggers and implement strategies to work through them. 

But even she thinks I’ve been a little extreme cutting all communication with Hizashi. 

Yeah, I’m free. I send the text before I can talk myself out of it and then pull my blanket around myself to hide from whatever might follow.

A knock sounds at my door. I peek out from under my blanket as my breath catches.

“Who is it?” I call.

“The one! The only! Hizashi Yamadaaaaaaaa!”

One voice. One voice and spring blossoms in my veins amidst the cold winter storm. 

When I open the door my body moves on instinct. There is no thought in my mind when my arms reach out and pull him in. There is no question or hesitation when tender arms meet my back and squeeze tight. There is only Hizashi.

“You never let me answer that night.” He breathes in my ear, before pulling back and tilting my chin up. His expression is inescapable. “I love you, too, Ichan. You’re worth waiting for.”

“I’m so sorry.” My chest quivers. “Hizashi, I’m so sorry. I was afraid.”

“I know.”

“I thought you’d want a better life without me.”

“That life doesn’t exist for me. Not if you’re out of the picture.”

“I’m not worth the wait.”

“You’re worth the world, lovebug.”

I hug him for the next three minutes, thanking God for His mercy and kindness, and I thank God for Hizashi. He feels so good. I don’t ever want to leave. Why don’t you start there then? The idea comes to me quite by surprise, and I look up at Hizashi with newfound hope burning in my chest.

“Hey, Hizashi?”

“Yes?” His thumb strokes my cheek.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for a kiss…but would you settle with cuddles on the couch?” 

The corners of his lips turn up into that heartstopping grin. “I’d love that.”

. . . . .

We start small. For the first few weeks, we’re barely close enough for it to be considered cuddles. I mainly sit by him and rest my head on his shoulder. Gradually, however, we start making some headway. Leaning on his shoulder turns into sitting in his lap and curling under his chin, which turns into laying beside him, which turns into fully wrapping myself around him and taking well-earned naps.

It’s a little scary at first, being so close to him. I imagine it a little like being too close to the sun, always on the lookout for getting burned. But he’s attentive, gentle, and patient. When a small miscalculated move makes me flinch or freak out or freeze, he’s apologetic and understanding.

And thus, we manage to move into those bigger steps together. Doubts and fears of Kigai become less pervasive the more Hizashi shows me he’s not going to hurt me. With each passing week as he proves it, I find myself more and more open to his touch. I find myself more expectant of it. But most of all, I find myself more eager for it.

“Ichi, where’d you get this beanie? I need one!” Hizashi turns the blue and orange striped beanie in his hand.

“That? I made it. You can have it if you want.” I chuckle, wrapping my arms around his middle and sighing into his back. “It was meant to be a craft experiment. But it turned out sort of ick yucky.”

“Ick yucky? It’s magical!” He uses my token phrase as he pulls the beanie on and poses. “What do you think? Am I runway ready yet?”

I reach my fingers under the beanie and give his hair a good ruffle, effectively messing up his hair and sending the beanie to the floor. “Now you are.”

“Wa–heeeeeyyyyyy!” He pouts and bends down to look at me with sad puppy eyes. “How am I supposed to look like a model now?”

One moment I’m giggling at his antics and the next my lips press against his. My fingers wind up his chest and around his neck and I’m hanging onto him like he’s my last chance at oxygen. When his hands move to my hips, I’m violently yanked back into reality and I pull back hard, gasping.

“I’m sorry. Should I have stopped you?” Hizashi reaches out for me, but doesn’t close the distance. “Do I need to give you some space?”

“Was that your first kiss?” I blurt, before hiding my face as Hizashi’s face wavers between his and Kigai’s. I take a few, steadying breaths and Hizashi is himself again. “I’m sorry. I should have warned you. I don’t…know what came over me.”

There’s a sad smile on his face. I don’t like it. His features don’t model sadness very well. It doesn’t fit him.

“It’s okay. No, it wasn’t my first kiss, I regret to say.” He looks sheepish before his eyes sparkle. “But it was definitely the best kiss.”

A few moments pass. I did it. I wasn’t thinking about it, but I did it. And it didn’t trigger anything. Maybe…I could try again…I think I want to.

“If I move slowly…do you think we could try that again?” I ask.

“Please.”

So we do. I taste him again and spring blossoms into summer. Sunshine sinks into my veins and hope blossoms in my chest. Light brightens the dark fear in my mind and joy sings through my heart.

And Hizashi doesn’t let me go.

Continue Reading -> Ch. 3

[polyamorouspunk]

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Was out with mountain boy last night and 1. I learned how to say ‘i love you’ in latin (te amo) and 2. Very much questioning the whole arospec thing because of this boy. Cause for the first time in my *life* the feelings have lasted more than 2 weeks. Its been 2 months. HOLY SHIT IVE BEEN DATING MOUNTAIN BOY FOR 2 MONTHS

But yeah. And also like. As of last night its like *new feeling unlocked* like I’ve had butterflies but I’ve never had butterflies to the degree that Im *still* having butterflies over something 24 HOURS later. And like. That could also just be from being in the middle of a flare that my emotions just are not regulating correctly but like. I feel like I just unlocked emotions 2.0. So maybe I am the actual rare case of ‘you just haven’t been with the right guy yet’ which is infuriating but also I *like* these feelings

But also on the whole chronic illness front - WE FUCKING HATE IT HERE and Im downing ibuprofen like its candy (that is a joke for those that need told). So if my brain could just stop having the 404 error causing both thinking and motor skill problems atm that would be great

Uuhhhhh OH! And therapy is now once a month instead of every other week so I guess thats a plus

Those are my life updates bro how are you?? I miss chatting with you I feel like I never have time to be on here anymore

*answers like a week later* whaaaat I always have time to chat haha 😅😅

Well I’m glad you feel that way! I know personally I can only feel that way with people I’ve met irl even if it’s just meeting them once. I love that feeling though, I’m always chasing that high.

It’s been two months 😭 where has the time gone

I love my best friend to pieces but hanging out with her and her husband was soooo. For someone who’s “autistic and touch-adverse” homegirl SURE did a 180 on that. Third wheel for a week straight 😐 I support her not conforming to social norms even when it’s embarrassed me in the past but like. Boundaries. When you are with someone else. I always made sure that I was never super PDA or hung up on my ex when we were dating because I never wanted to make someone feel like a third wheel and uh. Yeah that’s why.

I just started my meds back up, I’m back on Prozac after my hiatus from taking meds. It reached the point where I’m like “okay yeah maybe my meds were doing SOMETHING even if they weren’t WORKING exactly so MAYBE I should go back on them and be a LITTLE less crazy”. I intend on starting therapy back up. I have free therapy through work, probably Better Help, but it’s probably better than nothing. I already know my data’s on the dark web from all the times my bank account has been hacked so I don’t need to worry about them selling my personal info 😅

I was planning on graduating this semester but that’s not happening :) so next semester it is.

My mom wants to come back up next summer and my best friend and I have been trying to plan matching tattoos and we talked about getting them up there where I got them last time so maybe I’ll see you then! Sick New World already sold out so I guess that plan is a bust 😅

[lavendercatboy-blog]

So I’m thinking of this for some reason and I just need to get it out of my system so bear with me.

I probably would have been a lot more open to an open or polyamorous relationship with someone if it weren’t for the fact that every single time I dated someone who wanted an open/poly relationship with me it was a disaster.

First there was my absolute nightmare of an ex boyfriend who I dated in high school (and is the reason why I am now almost exclusively t4t) who wanted to be in an open relationship with me, and at first I was on board because that would be great because we didn’t see each other very often! But then he was hellbent on sleeping with one of my friends, and they were throwing up tons of red flags for me already but it got so much worse when Dipshit McGee was involved, so I tried to say I wasn’t comfortable with the situation (and made it clear that it’s because of them being my friend, and that feeling like a line was being crossed) so guess who got pressured into a polyamorous relationship with both of them??

I very quickly ended that friendship and then was promptly dumped because he “thought it was too cruel to continue to be with me after breaking my trust” and then proceeded to ignore me saying repeatedly that dumping me was also breaking my trust and that if he left we were done for good. I stopped talking to him soon after that because I was seeing someone new who I liked a lot better and he was dead weight at that point.

And of course it was The Ferret who was the one I was focusing on, and she made my life hell.

We only started officially dating after spending two weeks “ostensibly dating” and then eventually she was starting to solicit people online for sex, and that was when I made my biggest mistake and said that if we were going to be together that I wasn’t really ok with that because of the aforementioned Dipshit. She agreed and everything seemed fine.

Turns out (and I found this out well after our relationship has ended and I was actually trying to get back with her, which I am so glad didn’t pan out) that she had been cheating on me the entire time we had been together, basically from right after we started dating to 6 months later when she dumped me for her neighbor (who ended up being the abusive nightmare she made me seem like so she didn’t have to feel guilty about actually abusing me, even she admitted that) and so not only did I get my heart ripped out by her again, but because I was hooking up with someone at the time I was freaking the fuck out because I thought she had given me an STI (turned out to just be eczema)

Then the finale of this whole series of godawful people, the only one who was making an effort to handle it kindly but unfortunately wasn’t able to stick the landing because of the hell I’d been put through.

She really did try to make a monogamous relationship work, but she wasn’t happy, so she tried to ask about it but she didn’t entirely understand me when I said “we should talk about it later” because what I meant was “I need time to think about it, also I just woke up” and she interpreted that as “I’m just feeling a little nervous so I would benefit from continuing the conversation”

I snapped at her, which I honestly really regret. Eventually we got in a fight where I demanded she dump me, and then I refused to speak to her for weeks. By the time I reached out she was in inpatient treatment after a breakdown. Eventually we got back together and the same thing happened, but it was worse this time because she wasn’t really sure if she had any feelings for me anymore. I ended up leaving her apartment early and then snapped at her over text, which I also really regret because that time I was just being a jerk.

We’re still friends, and she might still have feelings for me, but I honestly think she’s not ever going to mention them because of what’s happened, which is kind of sad. Honestly I think my biggest takeaway from this isn’t that polyamory is not possible for me, it’s just that the people I’ve been with who were poly were at best not great at communicating and were struggling with their mental health, and at worst were total dickbags who shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone, let alone multiple people. Basically: dating sucks, but I am still trying and I’m pretty sure at this point it’s because I’m a masochist.

[allylikethecat]

Just thought I’d also jump in your asks and stop the spiralling, the whole food poisoning situation actually made for a really good chapter so don’t worry!

Putting Matty in one of the most vulnerable states a person can be in and having George be so unphased by it and taking care of him, and Matty trusting him so much even in such a vulnerable situation even though things aren’t good between them, was one of the best insights into their relationship that we’ve had in any chapter so far.

On that note, I’m glad you went for George in this chapter! I feel like it’s another page in their story that makes sense (also Matty would never recovered from Ross or Adam walking in on that)

Oh my gosh thank you so much I was 100% like “oh no… I went to far” with the food poisoning, I was like this is it, out of every weird thing I’ve done in fic the food poisoning is gonna give y’all the ick 😂 I’m glad to hear that you enjoyed the chapter and am very thankful for you reaching out to let me know! 🥰

Yes! Fictional!Matty was truly at his most vulnerable and potentially his lowest point in this chapter (which says a lot considering everything else we’ve put him through!) and even if things are weird and tense and not good with him and fictional!George at the moment, they are still each other’s “person” whether they like it or not. They have so much history together, that it just, in my opinion, made sense for Fictional!George to step up and for Fictional!Matty to let him (plus you’re right- Fictional!Matty might have just actually had that heart attack he was trying to manifest if Fictional!Ross or Fictional!Hann found him) 

I also wanted to show that even though it’s been three years since they broke up in this universe and they have both “moved on” and that Fictional!Matty even has a girlfriend, they are still tethered together by more than just the band. Fictional!Matty was more concerned about Fictional!George in the entire situation rather than letting his girlfriend that he “loves” know whats happening. (I purposely had Fictional!George let Fictional!Matty know he texted his parents after they released the statement, and made no mention of his girlfriend- because Fictional!George is petty and he might not want to be with Fictional!Matty at the moment but like IRL Matty says about Somebody Else - you still don't want someone else to be with your ex) I’m not sure if this came across clearly, but I did try my best to show that while they are both *trying* they are still hung up on one another! (And remember- it’s mentioned in the Ear Infection fic that Fictional!Matty got dumped for still being in love with Fictional!George!!) 

Anyway this got super long and rambling because I got overly excited about getting an ask. Thank you so much for reading and for your support during this endeavor. I hope you enjoy the conclusion on Tuesday! 🥰

❤️Ally  

[shadowsshowdown]

Deus Ex: Human Revolution Shadow’s Showdown 34

The Christmas Wish.

Detroit. Rupert's house.

When the subway stopped at the next station, Laura looked up at the electronic display that informed her she wasn't even half of the way. She prayed for a miracle in the form of the subway breaking down before she reached her destination, but alas, that did not happen. She was horrified by the crowd gathered outside but luckily most were going in a different direction than west Detroit so only a few people got on the wagon. None of the new passengers had the idea to go to the very end so there was still no one. A baby was crying hysterically somewhere on the other side which made it difficult for Laura to read so she turned up the music.

After more than half an hour of riding, three short bell-like sounds signaled that she had reached her destination. The hacker stood up from her seat and, keeping her hands in her jacket pockets, stepped out of the subway wagon. She crossed the platform, nimbly avoiding the thickening crowd, and climbed the stairs. She found herself on a long street with rows of red brick houses with white windows and box gabled roofs on either side.

Laura stopped on the sidewalk, unplugged her headphones from the phone, and looked at the screen. The number 101 shouldn't be far away, she thought. She dreaded the moment when she met Rupert. Laura had put him in an awkward position, and she felt bad about it. On the other hand, she couldn't deny she needed to be with someone today, and lately, the hacker had pushed everyone away from her. She was already a few steps away from his house, so she slowed down. Every new situation made her panic and she needed a moment to calm her nerves. As a complete outsider, she felt most comfortable around faces she knew, and she usually took Joe with her on trips into the unknown. Laura would make up some story, and he would pretend to believe it. Now she was alone.

Three steps, two, one. The hacker had been walking a good while on the small, square, covered porch when suddenly the door opened even though she hadn't pressed the bell at all.

"Miss Laura please don't stand outside, you'll catch cold," she heard a female voice that remained cheerful even as it instructed her. "Sorry, I was just about to press the bell," she replied embarrassed by the whole situation.

Mrs. MacKenzie was a rather corpulent woman, the hacker estimated, close in age to Rupert. The landlady tilted her head looking at her guest.

"Please forgive me. I have admired your beautiful hair. I always wanted mine to curl and have that fiery color," she explained. "And I always wanted it straight because I couldn't tame them," she laughed. "Rupert is already waiting. I'm glad you came to see us, miss. I baked cookies. You can't refuse," she said in a sing-song voice, leading her through the narrow, long hallway along which the doors to the rooms were located. Laura admired the portraits of ancestors, clan crests, and deer antlers hanging on the stone walls. "Here is your room," Demelza announced as she opened one of the doors. "It's not very elegant for the times, but my husband and I can't get used to that new odd furniture," she shrugged her shoulders. "It's gorgeous and very cozy. This furniture has a soul. It's not bland. I have an antique clock at my place. Each scratch on the wood is a separate story." "I like you already, darling," the woman gave her a broad smile, immediately becoming serious. "I'm sorry, I fraternized too much." "Not at all," Laura instantly denied. "That's very nice," she admitted. "In that case, my name is Demelza. Just Demelza. Unpack your things, get some rest, and then go see Rupert, he couldn't wait. He's in his office, down the hall there." "Okay, I'll go to him right away," she replied taking off her jacket and tucking a scarf into one of the sleeves. She was already about to hang it on the coat rack, but the woman interrupted her in mid-motion. "And don't worry about the vase," she added. "What va…?" she didn't finish, because while hanging her jacket she accidentally tripped one of them.

The vase fell to the wooden floor, shattering into pieces just like her life. "I'm so sorry," she said horrified, covering her mouth with her hand. "I really didn't mean to. I'm so clumsy. I'll buy it back even if I have to starve to death, I promise." Demelza was alarmed by her reaction, and Rupert, leaning against the doorframe of his study, apparently was too, for he sent his wife an understanding look.

"I told you - Don't worry. It's just an object," she reminded calmly. "I have to watch the cookies," she added, staring into Laura’s guilt-filled face. "Come with me, Laura," she heard Rupert's voice and slowly moved toward him, leaving her backpack in the hall.

She noticed a wooden plaque hanging over the door with the words: Temet Nosce carved on it. She had the same one above the entrance to the kitchen. Know yourself, she thought. In fact, she felt she knew little about herself and was often unpredictable which scared her. She hesitated whether to enter the study.

"Don't be afraid, I don't bite," MacKenzie said in a Scottish accent that was only now clearly audible to her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone, and that vase..." she tried to explain. "Laura..." the man sighed, walking over to the massive desk and reaching for his thin-framed glasses. "You better sit down before you say something stupid again," he said with a hint of playful annoyance.

The woman looked ahead at the armchair upholstered in dark green fabric and then to her right at the chaise longue standing more against the wall by the bookshelves reaching the ceiling. Not knowing what to choose. The Scot noticed how nervous she was so he immediately led her through a narrow passage to the less formal part of the study where the other part of the library was located. The man gestured with his hand to one of the two armchairs, and as the room was quite dark, he switched on a lamp with a white pleated lampshade standing on a table between the armchairs. MacKenzie was wearing tartan trousers having a green and dark blue pattern with intersecting white and red lines. Before he sat down, he had fixed the sleeves of a loose, light cream linen shirt laced at the neck.

"I shine, not burn," she said quietly. "Mmm...?" the psychologist looked at her confused as if she had snapped him out of his reverie. "Luceo non uro means 'I shine, not burn,'" she explained, at which the Scot bestowed upon her a hearty smile.

Rupert reached for his pipe and lit it with almost ritualistic gestures. Laura watched his every move. Her father was also a perfectionist, paying attention to the little things that to her were commonplace. Laura could not celebrate the moment, savour it. She realized this only when she lost him. A terrible, icy sadness pierced her. Now she had lost Adam, too. Before they started talking Demelza brought a plate with freshly baked cookies with candied cherries and chocolate, two china cups, a milk jug, a teapot with tea, and a sugar bowl on a tray. The not very tall woman arranged everything on the table, then turned to her husband: "Don't smoke in the guest’s presence," she rebuked him.

"I don't mind at all," the hacker woman protested, again feeling that she was creating problems for others.

The landlady smiled sparingly and left. Laura wandered with her eyes around the room, the pervasive silence was making her fear grow. Rupert waited patiently for the woman to become accustomed to her new surroundings. He saw her as a kitten who was curious about everything, but who would run away under the closet at the slightest movement. Therefore, he just sat creating a map of her personality, which was already monstrously intriguing for a psychologist. After a few minutes, Laura reached for the jug and looked at Rupert as if to ask if he wanted her to add milk to his tea. The man nodded affirmatively. This subtle and elegant movement as she stirred her tea and the lack of any sound made his mind even sharper. No doubt she had received an impeccable upbringing that she had lost over time.

Laura took a few sips of her tea, set the cup down, and walked over to a bookcase filled with various titles. History, geography, crime, horror stories, and even fantasy, but nothing about psychology, she thought.

"An impressive collection of books," she stated aloud. "Lord of the Rings? The Witcher? That's so..." "You think someone my age shouldn't read books considered children's stories?" he commented with mild indignation."Not at all, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." "Rupert, my name is Rupert," he reminded her.

He had deliberately provoked her into this behavior. Laura was obviously afraid of an outburst of aggression. Something in her past must have triggered that fear and it was definitely a very powerful catalyst that remained to this day.

"MacKenzie means MacCoinnich in Gaelic, right?" She asked, turning away from the bookcase. "You have quite a bit of knowledge," he admitted without hiding his admiration. "I was in Scotland on vacation with..." Laura intertwined her fingers nervously. "With my parents. We stayed in a small house in a suburb of Glasgow. My parents didn't like being in the center of big cities. We spent a whole month there, walked around a lot, explored. My dad once took us on a trip, and we lost our way so we stopped by a house on the way to ask if there was a hotel somewhere in the area. The woman immediately invited us to stay the night even though her husband was ill. We didn't want to inconvenience her, but she insisted. Laura sat back in her chair. "So we stayed. Instead of sleeping, we sat by the fireplace. Her husband, muffled in the tartan blanket, was telling us stories I can't even repeat. He was of the MacCoinnich clan, hence my knowledge. In the end, we exchanged addresses and phone numbers. Sadly, a week later Gail called us with the news that Aidan had died. After the funeral, she confessed that on his deathbed he had said that the few hours he spent with us had brightened his dark days." The hacker rested her straightened hands on her thighs and lowered her gaze. "Two weeks after I returned to Sweden. I was left alone. The whole world came crashing down on my head, I was fifteen at the time and had huge plans for the future," she didn't know why she said all this so openly. Even in front of Adam, she was reluctant.

Rupert nodded letting out a cloud of smoke with his mouth. He hadn't expected Laura to take such a big step in such a short time. He had to be very careful about what he said and did to make sure she didn't back down. The hardest thing would be to refrain from being resolute. In Adam's case, such an attitude was successful, but she is different. The slightest display of aggression or pressure ends very badly. Jensen mentioned her ex is blackmailing her, but the problem is much more serious.

"I'm going to be honest with you, because I think you missed one thing while you were in Scotland," Rupert changed the subject. "What kind of thing?" the woman asked somewhat frightened. "Our Christmas is tomorrow, not today. Of course, if you don't want to be our guest, you can leave at any time but we would be delighted if you stayed," he explained, and Laura could feel the fatherly concern in his voice. "Well, yes, I've noticed that there isn't enough of the usual busyness for a festive day, but I didn't know why. I will stay, not because I should but because I want to."

I'll stay because I have nowhere else to go anyway... The Scot watched her carefully, she seemed sincere to him yet he noticed the sadness in her eyes. For a moment he wanted to call Adam and invite him to dinner tomorrow, but he decided it was a bad idea.

Detroit. Laura's apartment.

Adam still couldn't let go and together with Connor waited outside the hacker's apartment, even though he knew it was pointless. He tried to find a way to find out where Laura could have gone, he even wanted to call Faridah at the risk of losing his head, but he remembered she must have left Stalker somewhere. If he was lucky, he'd find him with a neighbor who might know where she went. Jensen passed Connor, who was still busy with his phone, and rang the doorbell next door. He was opened by a woman in her sixties, smiling.

"Sorry to bother you just now. I won't take up much of your time," he excused himself. "Can I help you?" she asked squinting her eyes magnified by the lenses of her glasses. "Ah, Mr. Jensen, right? Laura isn't home, she left some time ago but I don't know where. She asked me to take care of the cat." "That's what I was going to ask, but since you don't know I'll have to wait until she returns. Merry Christmas," he wished before the woman closed the door.

When he turned around, he noticed that Connor was gone and Laura's apartment was open. He was instantly enraged, so he took a quick step into the hall.

"What the hell are you thinking?!" he growled at the man who was looking around the rooms. "I thought something might have happened, so I decided to act," he explained completely unconcerned that the ex-SWAT was furious. "Laura left the cat with a neighbor and went somewhere. You could have waited," he rebuked him reaching for the phone.

Hey Faridah. Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for Laura. Is she at your place? A.

Did she run away from you again? No, she's not at my place. I'm serious. F.

Adam was running out of ideas although for a moment he thought she might have flown to Uppsala. However, he quickly verified that possibility. Malik was the only person who could take her there. The man sat down heavily on the sofa next to his enemy, rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, and then his face as he watched him play with his phone. The longer he watched the more the thought grew in his mind that this idiot might be useful to him somehow.

"Connor?" he tried to get his attention. "Yeah?" he became slightly interested, but he was still more interested in the smartphone. "Can you track Laura's phone signal?" he asked hoping he would swallow the bait. "I can try, but I can't promise anything," he replied leaning his back against the backrest of the sofa.

Jensen waited silently for any results of his attempts. He hoped it would work. The silence was driving him crazy.

Rupert's house.

The clock ticked in the silence filling the room. Laura had already eaten her third cookie, but it didn't help for the bad mood at all. The Scot saw her mask cracking more and more, showing she was in great pain.

"Adam invited me over for Christmas," she said quietly, momentarily focusing Rupert's attention on her. "I wanted to explain everything. I really did but..." the woman suddenly stood up and began walking nervously around the room. "She...She was there...He wasn't alone."

Laura had said this when they spoke on the phone however it sounded completely different now. MacKenzie felt he had to do something, or at least try. The situation couldn't get any worse, at worst it could stay the same. A few minutes later Demelza came in to pick up the empty cups. Apparently, she also read Rupert's silent request.

"Laura, if you are not very tired, will you help me in the kitchen? I need to get some things ready for tomorrow," she asked, knowing that such requests were not to be denied. "Of course, I'll just go to unpack my things, and get changed" she replied and left immediately afterward. "Demelza, please advise me," the psychologist spoke up as soon as they were alone. "I already said that no one should be alone at Christmas."

The Scot smiled slightly, knowing what his wife meant. He got up as soon as she left, went back to the first part of the study, and started looking for something in the desk drawer. Laura picked up her backpack from the hall, noting in the process that Demelza had already collected the shards of the vase. She was still remorseful, even though the landlady assured her that nothing had happened. Unpacking her backpack, she felt as if she had returned home after a long journey. When she enters the kitchen, she will meet her mother preparing the dishes for Christmas so she will help her. In the end, they will bake kanelbulle as usual. Father will come to disturb them and surreptitiously snack on gingerbread cookies. Later, the scent of cinnamon and vanilla will fill the kitchen along with laughter. A fire will burn in the fireplace, crackling quietly on the firewood. The woman sat on the edge of the bed, putting her clothes next to her. She regretted running away so quickly without letting Adam say anything. If she had a second chance, she would listen to everything only then evaluate and decide. Unfortunately, her reactions were far from what she wanted. She didn't recognize herself, and that scared her the most. Having changed into more comfortable clothes, she left the room following the smells coming from the kitchen. She had a box of kanelbulle with her which she was supposed to give to Jensen. She didn't want them to go to waste.

"I thought you were asleep," Demelza said as soon as she saw her entering the kitchen. "I was just thinking. It's so peaceful and cozy here," she replied. "I baked kanelbulle. They were always on our table at Christmas and not only. They're not as good as the ones Mom used to make, but I tried," she added handing the woman a box.

Demelza wiped her hands on her apron and, tilting her head, looked at Laura. "That's very kind of you, thank you. Come, help me slice the vegetables." The hacker just nodded and got to work. She had helped her mother with cooking many times, so she knew quite a bit about it. This time, however, she found it hard to concentrate. While slicing the carrots, she cut her finger. The landlady gave her that gentle, motherly look as she dressed the wound.

"You carry a sadness inside you, it can be felt," she said quietly. "When we're done, I'll make some cocoa and you can tell me all about it," was the tone that defied objection, but at the same time was warm and understanding.

Laura nodded, finished slicing, and dumped everything into a bowl. The rest of their work went very quickly, which she wasn't too happy about. Soon they were sitting at a round wooden table set in the corner of the kitchen sipping cocoa. Demelza waited, not wanting to put pressure on her guest.

"I wish Adam were here. I was dreaming... I wanted to be with him that day. I know it's the least important thing, but I even bought him a gift. If he knew I had to save up for everything now he would be furious," she smiled tartly. "I should give it back to the store but I still believe things will change." "You care about him, a lot even," she admitted nodding slightly. "You should remember not to overdo it because then it will turn into fear. You'll be afraid that at every turn something might happen if not your fault then someone else will be blamed for it."

Demelza hit the nail on the head. Laura realized she had already fallen into the trap of fear. Adam had become so important to her that she was beginning to treat him like a child incapable of defending himself. She blamed all the bad events on herself. The hacker sipped her cocoa, washed her mug, and wished the landlady a good night.

"The bathroom is just at the entrance to the right," she informed before Laura left. "I've also prepared towels."

A moment later Demelza went to Rupert's study to tell him not to sit up too long. She had always told him this, but when he came across some interesting or difficult case he always stayed awake at night. Half an hour later Laura lay in bed but could not fall asleep. At her place at least she could look towards Adam's apartment. She also missed Stalker, although he always woke her up at night when he knocked things off the table checking if they bounce. The silence everywhere did not help her fall asleep either, but somehow she managed to get used to it. After a long time of fidgeting, she fell asleep.

All  chapters can be found: [AO3], [dA], [Wattpad] and [Tumblr]