#i’m too tired to know if this is coherent but to the blog it goes

[anidealistatbestburntoutatworst]

ah yes ango sakaguchi the ideal representation of a work life balance (his work destroyed his life) yeah… totally (that man is desperately in need of a hug)

[delicatelystrangepolice]

I said it before and I’m saying it now: Young Royals fandom only claims to be SO POSITIVE AND LOVING when in fact it’s one of the most toxic fandoms that I’ve ever been in

It’s very unwelcoming when it comes to the critique and different opinions

I understand the mechanism of feeling protective over the things you love. I also know that every fandom (every community in fact) is made out of individuals and it should be transgressive, and changing as it goes. The excuse ‘yeah, people on the internet are like this, there will always be individuals who are toxic’ just doesn’t work for me. No, individuals make communities and those communities can only work and grow when there’s enough space for all sorts of different behaviors and opinions. You would think that Young Royals fans would be understanding of that – always so eager to scream about social injustice. (I guess Lisa’s message that you can’t change anything ever was effective in the end. Congratulations.)

Last year there was a lot of lamenting: I can’t believe it’s going to be over after s3, what’s going to happen to the loveliest fandom then??? And then every time anybody tried to say anything other than widely accepted headcanon people raised and screamed: oh, don’t spread the negativity! Always in an exaggerated tone: I’M SO TIRED OF THE NEGATIVITY CAN’T WE JUST PLEASE LOVE EACH OTHER?? No, we can’t.  We can’t and stop silencing people because you are killing this fandom.

People are leaving (and left before) not because the show ended, not even because the third season was a fucking disaster, but because they feel like they can’t say anything other than lovey-dovey gushy mushy bullshit.

I understand that the critique is more accepted when it’s beautifully written and coherent

Tumblr however is also a blogging platform where people process things individualistically.  You don’t have to follow people who don’t share your opinions. Hell, you can even block them. You shouldn’t however go into their blog and write them mean anons because they dared to say something on their blog. (Yes, even if it was in your beloved tag or you saw that accidentally. Learn to fucking scroll past things) Your input that you think this particular person’s opinion is stupid and should be taken down does NOTHING to spread your beloved positivity. It only makes people shut down and you know what that is going to result in? A bland, weak fandom made out of people in an echo chamber.

Communities can grow because of the negativity

Even if the show ended, there will be people in the future who will watch it and love it and maybe love it enough to want to go on Tumblr and seek others to share the love. Among those people, there will be also the ones who won’t love every single thing about the show and they will seek others to share some disappointments too. If you want this community to stay alive and growing, there must be space for some fucking negativity.

Fandoms are often about finding your niche. This fandom, this fake fucking positivity almost killed the enjoyment of the show for me. I was lucky enough to find my niche but imagine if the people I found left before I got there. Maybe you’d be happy that I’m not here, spilling some hard to accept truths. Maybe you like your fandoms to be small and cliquey. I don’t. I found my niche because I wasn’t afraid to speak about my negative experiences.

Another helpful tip to some people here: don’t make personal claims when you are trying to argue with somebody

I’ve seen enough of ‘you must be (something negative or personal) to think this’:  ‘you must be too young to understand’ ‘you must be racist’ Hell, on one horrible occasion I’ve seen ‘you must have been abused to have this take’ HOLY SHIT. You on the other hand must not be as welcoming and accepting as you claim to be to say something like this to a person who was just writing about a fucking tv show.

I think it’s very ironic that people celebrate the ending of the show: yeah, you should leave the toxic environment if it’s hurting you and then in the fandom people are leaving because they are being attacked.

Yeah, I’m talking about a small group of people who do it. They are very noticeable and the community is accepting of them. If you think I’m talking about you then great, I’m happy you’ve read it to the end. My ask box is open, but don’t think you’ll change my mind if you try to tell me things about me. I know how to delete things. I know how to ignore things. I hope you can too, and maybe you can also take a little critique from someone who’s been in many fandoms before and never felt as unwelcomed and as uncomfortable as I felt in Young Royals fandom.

[mizkit]

new blog post: ICFA 2024 Overview

new blog post on https://mizkit.com/icfa-2024/

ICFA 2024 Overview

I’m back from the International Conference for the Fantastic in the Arts (ICFA) where I was a guest of honor over the past week, and I am ridiculously tired but had a wonderful time. I am, in fact, too tired to type coherently, so if this is fully of typos, I… will assume you can read through them bc omg. so tired. :)

I’d never been to ICFA and was, tbh, very very nervous and feeling quite imposter-syndromey, which is not my general modus operandi, but my god, guys, the previous guests of honor include…like…everybody cool. Neil Gaiman. G. Willow Wilson. China Miéville. N.K. Jemisin. Terry Windling. The list literally goes on and on and is just…incredibly intimidating. I felt like going around singing “one of these things is not like the others” all weekend.

However, the guest scholar, Mame Bougouma Diene, who was INCREDIBLY COOL, also felt very impostery, which helped. :D We reassured each other and hung out and it was really fun. :)

The othe GOH, Mary Turzillo, was not stricken with imposter syndrome, so at least one of us felt functional in the setting! She was SO WONDERFUL and kind and generous and I am so very, very happy to have met her and her husband, Geoffery Landis, who was just so charming and delightful, I mean, I am overwhelmed with their kindness, and so incredibly glad to count them among my friends now.

I’m going to try to actually do individual posts about each day, more or less, because every day was really full of just… wonderful people, great panels, a lot of laughter and joy, and an enormous amount of fun.

But, lol, when I said “Did I mention I’m going to Orlando next month” to my husband and son, they went wibbly lip and came along with me, so while I was GoHing (Ghosting, Mary called it, which I kinda loved, we were fellow Ghosts), they went to SeaWorld and Universal Studios, and walked themselves ragged in the heat but also had a spectacular time, so overall we just… it’s been a really, really great week. And I’m so tired. laughs

I do want to shout out to Alexis and Novella Brooks de Vita, who are long-time friends of mine and who, I’m pretty sure, are primarily responsible for bringing my name up as a possible GoH, and to whom I am so very very grateful. Also it was SO AMAZING to see them again, omg. I keep getting teary because I really was just so happy to hang out with them. They’re two of the most wonderful women I’ve ever met, and I could have spent the entire week just with them and come away feeling like I’d had a perfect conference.

Also, Ellen Kushner deserves a particular bunch of love, too, because she remembered me from Dublin Worldcon (which, frankly, I find incredibly overwhelming and wibbly smiles all by itself, even though we’ve been online friends for like EVER, but omg guys ELLEN KUSHNER REMEMBERED ME o.o) and she realized that I probably didn’t know anyone because I do the European conventions if I do anything at all, so she really kind of took me under her wing for the weekend and introduced me to people and it was incredibly kind of her. And holy moly does she have good taste in restaurants. If she ever invites you to dinner, go. :D

Ok, I’m a little more awake/functional now, which is part of why I decided to start the morning with a blog post, and now I’m going to start working my way through the huge pile of things I need to do after a week off (a week in which new things also transpired, of course, giving me more things to do!).

[aroaceconfessions]

TL;DR I think people feel too entitled to stranger’s specific attractions and feelings and labels when really, it’s none of their business.

I must admit I’m tired of labels. I love being aro, I love our flag, but I wish I could just live my life without having to clarify to others my specific degree of attraction as if it’s their business at all. I’m so tired of having to work to be seen as a normal person! I just want to live my life without being disrespected for… literally nothing. For my feelings, how I describe attraction.

A while ago I saw an ask on this blog that was weirdly controversial (the one about how somebody didn’t understand why people were comfortable with sexual fantasies, and everyone in the replies was calling them puritanical and thought-policing) and it made me realize that I’m just tired of this. If nobody cared about sexuality this wouldn’t even be a problem. Like yeah, some people get sex fantasies, yeah some other people don’t like those. Personally I don’t fully understand sex or attraction or how it is in any way connected to romance (for some reason I just cannot fathom the idea that romantic love can lead to sex? Idk) but that’s my brain and how it works, that’s fine, who cares.

What I mean is of course there’s going to be ace people who think that sexual fantasies are really weird or gross. Like duh, that literally is not a natural thing for them to experience, and if they also lack empathy (I mean textbook definition ability-to-put-yourself-in-others-shoes empathy, not compassion or sympathy) they will struggle to understand how it is just a natural thing for others! And that’s fine! That’s in their brain, that’s how it works up there, as long as they aren’t going around telling people they’re disgusting freaks for attraction or just being mean about it then it really doesn’t matter. And it goes the same for people who do experience attraction, like of course they aren’t going to understand not experiencing attraction because they just do and that’s just how it is.

I’m just tired of the labels, I feel like if we never had these in the first place, if everyone was a little more respectful, we wouldn’t have this issue. I just don’t get why some people don’t understand that what goes on in another person’s head is not your business, positively or negatively! You really don’t need to know what’s going on up there and that’s okay. Attractions of all sorts exist and really, I think it’s difficult for them to fit into just one box (see: “it’s a spectrum”). Labels are great sometimes for finding community and people who share an experience, but at some point they just get so restrictive, like people start saying that every ace person needs to be one way and every bi person needs to be this way and lesbians have to be that way and it’s just. Exhausting. I’m tired of having a long list of names for my attractions and non-attractions, I literally just want to live without having to tell people that I’m aromantic in order for them to not hit on me.

Sorry if this was rambly, it’s almost 3 am and I’m exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I hope it was coherent.

[random-mha-thoughts]

Name part 2 (Todoroki x Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki x fem!Reader

Genre: Angst to fluff

Sequel to Name (part 1)

Word count: 1,445

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ 

a/n: I had trouble writing this for some reason.  I started off writing one scenario, but I ended up hating it after writing 500 words and then deleted the whole thing and started over, so I’m sorry if it’s not satisfying enough.  I think I need to just write more angst I think I just need a break from angst, or I’m just exhausted from today because I was out all day.

I promise the ending is happy.  This one is half the length of the original since this was one of the original endings I was considering for the 1st part.

I’ll probably pick right up with the other angst submissions tomorrow if I’m not still exhausted.  Hopefully I won’t go overboard again...

Shoto didn't know how to feel once she left him.  It didn't hurt as much as it would hurt for a lover to walk out on you, but he still felt the most amount of guilt he's ever been burdened with.  He wanted to blame his father for putting them in this position to fail, but he knew how childish that would be.  In reality, he was accountable for his own behavior, and he'd taken his anger out on an innocent person in the same situation as him.  He should have commended her for being the bigger person.  And now he's lost her.

His biggest frustration is that he never even got a good look at her.  In his mind, her image is a fuzzy mix of color, no real outline of a body or face that he can remember.  How could he have lived in the same house as someone for 5 months, but not know them like the back of his hand?  Deep down, he knows that if he had looked at her, he would've internalized how human she is and would've treated her better than a doormat.

As he lay in bed after she left, all the things he wanted to apologize for but didn't get the chance to were still hanging in his mind, uncomfortably unfulfilled.

.

The next morning, Shoto decides he needs to apologize immediately.  He hates the eerie loneliness of being the only person in the house.  Even if he never acknowledged it before, in hindsight, at least he felt he presence of company.  At least he had someone to talk to, even if everything out of his mouth was a critique.  The walls seem to close in on him, the sunlight isn't as warm, and, most importantly, there was no breakfast waiting for him.  A vain problem, but it sobered him to know she had still taken care of his needs through everything.

After fixing his own meal, he called his agency to tell them he's taking the day off and didn't delay in rushing to his in-law's house.  The nervous pit in Shoto's stomach almost makes him throw up his breakfast, but he ignores it.  All acts of courage require varying degrees of nerves.

On his way over, his father calls him constantly, probably to give him an earful about "ruining their perfectly-matched marriage."  He doesn't need to hear it from Endeavor when he's already chewing himself up about it, and he turns off his phone to concentrate.

Shoto walks up to the family's door, smoothing his clothes and hair out.  He feels akin to a boy picking his girlfriend up from her parents' house for their first date and trying to make a good first impression, except Shoto's already married his daughter and needs to make up for the awful impression they already have of him.  Taking a deep breath, he pushes the doorbell, his heart hammering in his chest wildly.

Her father and mother answer the door, expressions less than pleased already.

"Good morning.  I hope I haven't disturbed you."  Shoto was raised with manners, and he hopes politeness with get him somewhere.

The two don't say anything in response to him.  Understandable, given the condition their daughter was sent back in.

Trying not to be too disheartened under their malicious stares, the boy asks "May I come in?  I would like to speak with you and your daughter."

"If Endeavor sent you, we don't want to hear anything you have to say," her mother scowls, rightfully so.

"No, ma'am, I am here without my father's knowledge," he responds earnestly, trying not to seem too firm about his tone or his face.  He's trying to appear sincere, a husband trying to set things right from the bottom of his heart.

The couple exchanges glances, but let the young boy in without another word, which Shoto takes as a small victory.  They lead him to their formal living room where they sit together on one couch and Shoto prefers to stand.  A maid brings cups of tea and a pot to rest on the coffee table between them before bowing and shuffling away.

"I won't allow you to see my daughter," her mother states bluntly, "Not after hearing her crying over the phone for what you've put her through the last 5 months."  The boy almost winces, the memory of overhearing the girl's phone call still fresh.

"You can say your piece to us and we may pass it on to her," her father adds, eyeing the boy.

Shoto breathes to calm the jumping nerves in his gut.  One wrong move and he know he'll be kicked out immediately.  He levels his calm gaze at the piercing glare of the couple in front of him.  "I'm not here to make excuses for my actions.  What I did was terribly wrong, both as a person and as a husband to your daughter.  I accept full responsibility for my mistakes."  He bows fully at the waist.  "I apologize deeply for my behavior towards your daughter.  I let my personal feelings get in the way of our relationship flourishing as she wished.  I don't deserve it, but I would like to ask for forgiveness."

The parents are silent, leaving the boy to listen to his hammering heartbeat as he retains his position.  The lack of response is ear-deafening to him.

"You many stand, Todoroki," her father instructs, the edge slightly lessened in his voice.

When Shoto returns to his original position, their daughter stands between them, remnant sadness still filling her eyes.  It's the first time he's taken a good look at her.  She's a head shorter than him, hair down past her shoulders, respectable composure.  Even with a tired expression, she exudes calm.

He doesn't know what he should do now.  The girl looks between him and her parents.  "I'd like to be alone with him, please," she requests in a soft voice.  It's a stark contrast between the voice that reported their divorce to him.

Though her parents are wary at first, she smiles to reassure them and they agree to leave the pair to talk.

All the apologies Shoto prepared start bubbling up his throat, unsure how to start or organize his thoughts.  He's overwhelmed by how much he wants to say, composure crumbling under the weight of his words.  "I'm so sorry about everything- I heard you crying and I- I'm an idiot for-"

"Funny how you can form coherent sentences to my parents, but not to me," she jokes lightheartedly.

Her small smile calms Shoto so he can gather this thoughts and try again.  "I've done you such a disservice.  I let my anger towards my father prevent me from taking care of you like I should have."  He moves to touch her hand to comfort her, but he stops and redirects it to the back of his neck.  "You must have felt so unwanted and lonely.  I'm truly sorry for everything I've done or said to you.  When I heard you on the phone with your mother, I had every intention of coming back and fixing everything, but you had already made your decision."  His eyes meet her's again.  "If you wish to continue with the divorce, I understand.  I wanted to come and apologize to you because it's what you deserve.  And, if you forgive me enough, we can start over and build a relationship as you wanted originally."

At first, the girl is silent, clawing at Shoto to be left in anticipation.  Then, she tilts her head and asks, a cheeky grin on her lips, "Do you love me, Shoto?"

His hopes come crashing down at the question.  "I'm sorry to say, but I'm not in love with you right now.  Our marriage isn't like that."

She shakes her head at him.  "I wasn't expecting you to suddenly have a huge change of heart like that.  We're still barely strangers, though I do know way more about you than you know about me.  As long as you're open to any kind of affection, it's fine."

His eyes widen childishly.  "Does that mean-"

She smiles, finally showing teeth to him, and envelops him in a hug.  He breathes out in relief and returns the gesture.  A small voice in the back of his had notes how perfectly she fits in his arms.

"Who knows?  We might end up actually falling in love slowly as time goes by," she giggles against his chest.  "That's how it tends to happen in the movies."

The slight vibrations invoke a strange warmth to bloom within Shoto, not resulting from his quirk, and his eyes widen.  Oh.

[wordsablaze]

I’ve Got You

Jaskier's awful habit of hiding when he's unwell never leads to anything good but luckily for him, Eskel knows when he needs to intervene... day seven of whumptober.

A/N: one week complete, yay ^.^ today’s pairing: jaskier/eskel | prompts used: support / carrying

-

Bards can’t afford to feel unwell.

Jaskier has told this to everyone he’s come across, claiming that he’s exempt from ever feeling ill and, for the better part of his life, proving himself right to audiences and lovers and everyone in between.

But not to Eskel.

Because Eskel notices when Jaskier’s composing is almost entirely unsuccessful and when his pace slows considerably. He doesn’t point it out explicitly because Jaskier has an awful habit of denying his own weaknesses when it really matters but he doesn’t ignore it either.

“We’re going to stop for the night,” Eskel says.

Jaskier frowns, glancing between him and the sky. “The sun’s still visible?”

Eskel sighs, unsure if he should be confused, amused, or just generally concerned. Unfortunately, Jaskier seems to misread his sigh and frowns even harder. “Is this because I’ve slowed down? I can keep up, my darling, I was just multitasking but-”

“It’s not about that. It’s getting late and we’re going to be walking all through tomorrow,” Eskel interrupts, and he’s not even lying.

Jaskier bites his lip, letting himself slide down onto the forest floor and leaning against the closest tree. “Sounds fun.”

Normally, it would.

Normally, they’d settle into a rhythm of exchanging song lyrics and stories and the occasional silence in which they both just enjoy one another’s presence. And they’d alternate who rides Scorpion so neither they nor she tire.

But Eskel had left Scorpion behind when they’d taken the contract. He regrets it now, of course, because Jaskier seems to have caught a chill and he’s not sure they’ll get back in time to satisfy the Lord who’d hired him if they’re only on foot.

“The fire!” Jaskier exclaims, springing to his feet and going to find firewood before Eskel can offer to do it himself this time.

Not wanting to leave their campsite empty and have both of them get lost, he waits for Jaskier to return before heading off to hunt. Only when he gets back does he realise that Jaskier hadn’t said a word before flopping down in front of their little fire.

“Jaskier?” he asks as he steps closer, frowning at the way said bard is all but curled around the fire, almost too close.

“Eskel?” Jaskier mimics, sitting up slowly. “Shame we didn’t bring any herbs.”

And so the conversation moves on to them preparing their meal. If Eskel wasn’t worried before, he’s definitely worried when Jaskier yawns and leans against him almost immediately once they’ve finished eating.

It’s not that he’s against supporting Jaskier’s weight but there’s usually a little singing or teasing or at least talking before they settle for the night. “You okay, Jaskier?” Eskel asks, wrapping an arm around him anyway.

Jaskier shivers but nods. “You’re warm,” he mumbles, so Eskel lets it go, maneuvering them into a more comfortable position and waiting until Jaskier’s breathing evens out before letting his own eyes close.

His worry only increases when he wakes to find Jaskier kneeling in front of a small fire, his shoulders shaking every other second with badly-concealed shivers. “Jaskier?” he asks, blinking himself awake.

“Sorry, I was just…” Jaskier trails off, shrugging and gesturing to the fire.

Eskel nods slowly. “Do you want to rest for today?”

“No!” Jaskier replies quickly. “No, I- I’m fine. And anyway, it’d be awful for me to keep you and Scorpion apart longer than necessary, right?”

Not exactly how Eskel would phrase it but he doesn’t argue, the two of them setting off after , finishing off yesterday’s leftovers, their pace already slower than the day before. He doesn’t mind that though, what he does mind is the silence .

“Any new ideas brewing?” Eskel asks softly.

Jaskier jumps. “F- for what?”

Well, that’s not a great sign.

“For your songs?” Eskel asks.

It takes Jaskier a moment to decide that he should shake his head. “No? Do I need new songs? What’s wrong with my songs?” he questions, sounding so awfully small that Eskel stops in his tracks and turns to him.

He has a terrible feeling that he’d severely underestimated just how unwell the bard is feeling because although Jaskier can often be accused of begging for reviews, he’s never one to question the quality of his songs.

“I’m sorry, I think I’m going to fall over,” Jaskier whispers before doing exactly that.

Eskel curses but doesn’t react even nearly quick enough, catching Jaskier only after his head has hit the ground and forced an awful whimper out of him.

“‘Skel,” Jaskier whines, reaching for him blindly.

Eskel’s heart clenches at the action and he all but cradles the bard in his arms, inwardly cursing. “Stubborn bard,” he mutters aloud.

Once again misinterpreting him, Jaskier flinches. “Sorry, s’rry. I’ll do better, m’s’rry…”

“No no, Jaskier, it’s okay. Wait, stay awake for me. Please, bardling?” Eskel practically begs, but Jaskier only moans, slumping against him.

Weighing his options, Eskel decides that stopping is a terrible idea. He pulls himself to his feet, lifting Jaskier up in his arms with one arm under his shoulders and the other under his knees. It’s far from practical but he doesn’t want to take his eyes off Jaskier unless he absolutely has to.

“Rom’tic,” Jaskier whispers groggily, sniffling.

“I’ll do it again when you’re coherent, I promise,” Eskel murmurs, taking a deep breath before starting to run.

Jaskier lets out a strange mix of a whimper and a groan, his arms tightening around Eskel’s neck as they start moving, not exactly the most comfortable but nonetheless reassuring because it means the bard is still conscious.

“I’ve got you,” Eskel soothes, hoping that they get back before Jaskier’s head wound makes his illness even worse.

He pushes himself to go faster as Jaskier’s grip starts to loosen and his shivers return even worse than before. It’s very rare that he hates something about his bard but Jaskier’s reluctance to admit when he’s unwell is a recurring exception.

Just when the town peeks into view, Jaskier shudders and almost causes them both to topple over. Eskel tightens his hold, trying his best not to falter at the thought of how quickly Jaskier’s condition has worsened and what that means for them.

Gods, he hopes the healer isn’t too busy.

“L’ve you’oo” Jaskier breathes before his body goes slack.

Eskel curses. Strongly.

“Hang on, Jaskier!” he yells over the sound of his own frustration.

Jaskier doesn’t reply, of course, but Eskel speeds up nonetheless, the trees and path and people all blurring away as he focuses on keeping his bard supported and trying to reach the healer in time.

He’ll be fine, Eskel vows to himself. He’ll be fine and he’s never going to be allowed to get away with hiding when he’s feeling unwell ever again.

-

spoiler: no, the healer wasn’t too busy <3

-

thanks for reading! masterlist | witcher blog: @itsjaskier

[thistangledbrain]

Day 19 & 20!

Day 19 - “I hate it when...”

As you’ve gleaned from prior posts, I hate it when you forget autism is a developmental disorder and not an intellectual one. We are so. Fucking. Tired. Of being treated as lesser, or like we don’t understand what you’re saying to us.

Outside of the reactions to others’ behavior, though, I have some personal “I hate it when”...I’ve let you into my mind and told you what I appreciate about how my brain works, but there are things I don’t like, for sure.

I hate that personal stressor things trigger a toddler-like need to SHUT DOWN. Like writing this blog, for example...the vulnerability I feel usually leads to a need to go to sleep for a long time, once I’m finished. Or after a long day socializing. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to engage my brain anymore, I just need to shut all systems down and sleep. Especially if there’s been a meltdown (meltdown—->shutdown)...and oh boy do I hate meltdowns. They’re really rare, thank dog.

I hate that my executive function is an absolute bag of ass. This is probably the biggest thing I would change. It got infinitely worse when my disability got bad (EDS), for some reason. And it drives me up the damn wall.

I hate my low function days/moments. It’s like my brain just won’t kick into gear, or the gears and wheels are rusty and grinding, & it’s rather anxiety inducing. I usually “hide” on my low days, sometimes in my darkened bedroom, and watch favorite shows or movies, or get lost in a good book - if I can. On low days I find myself re-reading crap constantly because it’s not making any sense, so I’ll even avoid complicated recipes...I have no idea why these days/moments happen, but boy do they piss me off/make me anxious (that’s kind of the same thing for me. My anxiety nearly always manifests as anger). On my low days, you’ll see (if you were a fly on the wall, because I suppress this even around my own family), me walking in tight, anxious figure 8’s and flapping my hands in a distressed way, as I anxiously try to mentally kick my brain into gear. (It doesn’t work, but it IS a little soothing. And my dogs are SO sweet...they gather around me tightly and just seem to know I need them.)

🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s probably more I could expound on that I don’t like, but writing this one has been pretty distasteful. I try not to dwell on things I hate anymore, so I’ve put this entry down multiple times and come back to it when I’m in a decent frame of mind. I think I’m tired of talking about it now, so I’m gonna just stop talking.....

Which is a good segue into Day 20 -

————————————-

“Communication”

Ahh communication. This entry will be long, because I have a lot to communicate LOL....

Personally, I write far more coherently and eloquently than I speak. My brain goes too fast...I often trip over words; my brain’s three steps ahead of what’s coming out of my mouth and I get scrambled sometimes. I can also take the time to think about what I want to say/HOW I want to say it. Like many autistics, I’m a blurter. LOL...I am constantly trying to remind myself, just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. This gets a LOT of us in trouble...one of my most memorable examples is, I *loudly* blurted “that’s BULLSHIT!!” in a church one time. (I was speaking on how my devout Methodist grandmother, who regularly takes communion at her church, was not permitted to receive communion in a Catholic church, merely because she isn’t Catholic, despite the fact that this woman is all about some Jesus & a devoted churchgoer - not just on Easter and Christmas.) In my defense, it WAS (IS) bullshit. I just didn’t need to practically yell that in church. As you can imagine, it was like a needle scratching across a record & everyone turned to stare. (My poor husband rescued me.) 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sigh. It’s a good idea to keep me out of most church services.

I am rather famous (infamous?) for calling bullshit straight to someone’s face, BLUNTLY. It’s out of my mouth before my brain’s “tact gatekeeper” I’ve spent over a decade trying to train is even half awake at his post (it’s a him because my husband is the one who taught me how to use tact in the first place. And it’s a him because said “gatekeeper” is lazy and falls asleep on the job all the time 😆). Have you ever just blurted your honest thoughts and heard shocked gasps or someone just busts out laughing? Yeah. That happens to me regularly. Or uncomfortable chuckles and someone will blink a few times and say, “oohhhkay, well, you could said that a different way.” (My old response to that was, I’m not responsible for what your reaction is to what I say...you’re in charge of your own feelings. I *understand* now how irresponsible and unfeeling that is, and I try to keep that in the front of my mind, even when I’m frustrated and nearly burning up with the desire to speak my thoughts in their raw form, but this is routinely an area I struggle to adapt to...and I am very sorry when I hurt someone I care about.)

On the other side of this same coin though, this is a trait my friends respect deeply, because I’m not cruel hearted or anything. You always know where you stand with me, and I’m the last person to try and lie to you. I SUUUUUCK at lying. And on the rare times when I do, I usually end up eventually telling on myself (this drove my older stepsister NUTS when we were kids, because she liked to do lots of sneaky things, and I don’t have an inherently sneaky nature LOL...so “DO NOT tell momma” was a *serious* risk for her, if she let me tag along 😂). Lying to someone just feels disgusting. Oily. Shameful. I hate lying. Plus, my short term memory is a grabasstic bag of CRAP, so there’s a good chance I won’t remember the lie and get caught anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ My boys also suck at lying or hiding stuff, and generally prefer not to...but I also give them a safe forum to be honest. (I’m sure there’s LOTS of crap I don’t know, but you’d be surprised how much they DO tell me.)

Another thing with me personally is that I go mute sometimes. I’m not being deliberately obstinate. I’m not REFUSING to speak in those moments...sometimes I literally can’t, and the effort of doing so will make me gag, or even projectile vomit. Sounds very dramatic, doesn’t it? It is. (And it annoys the SHIT out of me.) There’s not a fucking thing i can do about it. The movement of my tongue in my mouth will literally begin to trigger my gag reflex, and if I try to power through it, I’m rewarded with my lunch returning to the surface anyway, regardless of my desires, and sometimes rather unexpectedly & violently. USUALLY this happens when I’m uber stressed, but sometimes it seems kind of out of the blue & catches even me off guard. If this happens but I still have something to say, I start texting instead, and explain. Most people - especially my hubby - are very kind when this happens. (I don’t want your pity, I just want you to switch to written communication for a minute until I can figuratively kick the fuck out of the engine in my “speaking center” and get it to work again.) Other times, I will literally get tired of talking. Like my mouth and tongue - and somehow, the “word forming” part of my brain feels physically exhausted (weird, I know, but I also spend the vast majority of my life silent - I am home alone all day, hate talking on the phone, and simply don’t speak much, by choice. So maybe it is actual “mouth fatigue” 😂😂😂 - I’ve stopped eating before because I just got tired of chewing, too, even though I’m still somewhat hungry. 🙄) I am usually *perfectly* happy to keep listening! And I’ll stay engaged in the conversation usually. I am just...done audibly talking. I’ll literally say “my mouth is tired of making the sounds now, but please keep going”...but I think my husband is the only one who doesn’t find this unusual, and rolls with it. It usually happens after a long, animated conversation...instead of winding down, though, it just..stops. If I try to keep going, cue the gagging. I can stay engaged in the conversation if you let me start writing/typing instead of speaking, for my responses. So that’s a “fun” little trait of mine that many neurotypicals find unsettling. Please don’t take it personally. My mouth just doesn’t want to make the words anymore - and I’m probably mostly done adding what I needed to add to the conversation anyway. I’m a great listener when this happens, though. 😆

Communication is a really interesting thing with all of us, because it’s a struggle on one level or another. I will tell you, it’s a frequent topic in my groups. “WHY CAN’T NEUROTYPICALS JUST SAY WHAT THE FUCK THEY MEAN?!?! 😩😩😩” I’m dead serious - you might think, because we’re sensitive (generally), we can’t “handle” it? You’d be so very wrong. What we can’t handle is when you dance around a subject or we have to try and translate what you just said to us (which most of us are not that good at). Just fucking say it! Nine times out of ten, you’ll just get a look of dawning realization and a “oh, shit, okay” response. We can handle it. Just. Say. It. We’ll respect you a lot more in the morning, LOL 😆

I think every autistic has some sort of beef with neurotypicals when it comes to communication (as I’m sure you have yours with us, obviously).

You guys operate under some weird ass rules that we simply don’t understand - especially if you don’t tell us those rules & just expect us to know. Like, if my husband hadn’t patiently taken years to show/teach me how the way I said certain things were hurtful, I would still be in the “yeah she’s cool but she’s kind of an asshole” territory. (I still struggle to grasp this, or at least it still frustrates me....truth is truth, whether it’s an ironclad general fact or your own personal truth - and yes sometimes the truth hurts, but like...I don’t pin any responsibly for that on the truth teller, if that makes sense?)

Working in rescue also helped hone my ability to speak “neurotypically” to others - I work with a LOT of women, and boy do a lot of them NOT appreciate when you bluntly tell them what you think. Men on the other hand....

I know *lots* of autistic women who prefer friendships with men, largely centering around this communication thing. We hurt men’s feelings a little less regularly than other women’s. I know I was like that, until I got a little more used to how I have to modify my communication with most women (but that annoys me, I’m gonna be honest - it annoys my Autie friends, too). The only time I am as starkly blunt as I used to be, is when speaking to my female Autie friends (because they can handle it), or most of the dudes I’m friends with. But if my message is getting “lost in the sauce” and you’re not getting my point, I usually give a frustrated sigh, WARN you that I’m about to tell you flatly what I need to say, because we aren’t getting anywhere, and just say it.

Yes I am the friend who, when you gush on and on about your new back yard bred puppy, talking all about how you’re gonna breed him when he grows up, is gonna flatly say “he’s not breeding quality”, if they’re not. Then I’m gonna ask you why you want to do such a thing, given that you’re aware of the massive load of rescue dogs (PARTICULARLY Great Danes and Cane Corsos) - and probably beat your argument down every step of the way. That doesn’t always go badly though - one of my closest friends was considering breeding their dog, and while it was a beautiful dog, it was not one that should reproduce (from an “improve the breed” perspective). We barely knew each other, but I gained a reputation for being kind but starkly honest...and I knew what I was talking about...and now I have this person’s deep respect, and they have mine (because they listened and did the research I asked them to - and did not add to the breed population). So it’s not *always* a trainwreck, because the people who end up respecting how I communicate, usually end up VERY close friends. AND I WANT THAT IN RETURN, which is refreshing for a LOT of people. I want your dead honesty in return - PLEASE. It’s so much easier for me to process and accept. For example, my house is almost constantly in some sort of disarray. I have one friend who will come in and go, “girl. I almost can’t breathe in here - this clutter is too much”(and then she offers to help me tackle it!!).

Or, fairly recently, “oh my god those curtains are so horrible, I hope you’re getting rid of those when you redo this room.”

“But I MADE those curtains! I love that print!”

“Ugh. No. They’re terrible. Get rid of them.”

My feelings were not hurt in the LEAST (I of course had a flash of “you bitch, I was so excited to find that print and I MADE THOSE, ya jerk” 😂). At first I said, “well you’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with my shitty curtains, because I like them” 😂, but then as I was redoing the room, I took them down...and it DID look a lot better, so I left them down 😂😂😂....

So I guess my point with all this is: every autie I know deeply wishes you’d just fucking spit it out. We WILL often miss or misinterpret the point if you “fluff” it too much (around my neck of the woods, we call it putting too much gild on the lily, though I’ve never understood that one. Idk if a “gilded lily” is/was ever a thing, why anyone would gild a lily in the first place...LOTS of us struggle with colloquialisms that don’t make literal sense. 😆 Recently a friend was baffled over “shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster”, and fully half of the respondents to her post were people baffled by why anyone would shit in their hand - I and a couple others had to explain, and it just ended with them going “well that’s a fucking stupid saying anyway, and wishes aren’t things you can put in your hands, either” 😂😂😂...but I’m from the south, and these things are just part of our vocab. MOST of them are easy to grasp for me, like “nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”, because I immediately picture it and can grasp the meaning. But others I don’t get - the gilded lily is one LOL)...

We are LITERAL AS FUCK. It’s why we ruin lots of jokes, too. My poor husband is the dad joke king - and I ruin fully 1/3 or more of his jokes by being too literal (which he also finds amusing, so that’s good). Sometimes we realize we’re ruining the joke but we don’t care, because it’s dumb, or we just .... can’t....HELP IT. 😩😂

Jeez, I could almost write all day about autistics and communication LOL!!

But to summarize (and not succinctly, sorry), I guess, for me and many many others...we are often blunt, direct, almost painfully honest, and very, very literal. Your unspoken rules of communication absolutely go over our heads, unless you - yannow - *communicate* and explain them. We’ll probably tell you those rules are stupid and exhausting, but we will TRY and stick to it as best we can. But see, we literally have to think about every single word that comes out of our mouths, because we communicate far more directly than you weird fuckers do. And it is literally actually exhausting. It’s not an easily natural thing for us to adapt to, your weird way of saying things but not saying what you really mean. You’re wasting a LOT of words there, sir, and we are now getting obsessively confused over why you would do such a thing. 😂 It’s also why I keep getting banned from Facebook. My recent one was because I said - in one of my Autie “safe” groups, where I should be able to just say what I mean - that I tend to punch or want to punch people who deliberately startle the shit out of me. We were talking about how stupid April Fool’s Day was, and how we hate pranks. Three of us got banned for 30 days for just...well. Facebook called it “incitement of violence”. 🙄🥺🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

But I haven’t met - yet, maybe? - an autistic person who is cruel natured - not one of us gets any joy from being a bully type. WE feel everything on a higher level, so we kind of assume you do, too...you might think, “then why are you such an asshole?!”, but it’s simply that we - or every Autie I know, anyway - struggle to grasp how directly communicating your feelings is so fuckin hard or hurtful for y’all. I think anyone struggles to grasp something they themselves don’t experience. All you have to do is explain, though, and keep guiding us towards communicating in ways that we both find acceptable. I mean we’re champs at accepting all manner of different human - regardless of race, sexuality, and so on - but the communication is one area that frustrates the ever loving SHIT out of most of us, because it makes so little logical sense why anyone would say a bunch of useless words that muddy up their intent.

My closing advice? Help Your Pet Autie ™️ (this is absolutely a tongue in cheek term btw) understand how you’d like to be communicated with, and guide us. BE SPECIFIC for fucks sake - we suck at guessing what you might want, and it’s so frustrating that we’ll often just stop communicating at all. Instead of saying “it hurts me when you say this”, try saying “the WAY you said this hurt my feelings because of ____. Maybe you could put it like this instead” (or, “you know, you should really just keep shit like that to yourself”) and *give examples*. Don’t expect us to come up with different ways of saying shit, because we don’t understand what it is specifically you want, and it’s not very logical, therefore it’s not “natural” for us. Plus, everyone is different. I can’t talk to one of my sons the same way I can talk to the other, without certain negative reactions. Give us a chance to know your needs - we DO CARE!!! - but be CLEAR. I know in your world, tact is a big deal, but MOST of us will miss the fucking point if you’re too tactful (and when we misinterpret, we always err on the side of worst case scenario, and make the issue wayyyyy bigger than it should be. Being clear is soooo important).

And hey. Maybe it’ll help clear up some communication in other areas of your life. Being clear isn’t a license to be a fucking asshole; nobody’s giving you a license to unleash on everyone about how much you can’t stand humans...if WE hafta be quiet about that, so do you lmao...fair’s fair. 😆 But quit hedging and hinting and hoping we will pick up on the whatever your grievance is - because we won’t. We’ll just know you’re unhappy, and start panicking over guessing what we did wrong, and just shut down, because we have no idea.

Just. Fucking. Say it. 😘

[riotfuckery]

Class teddy bear

lzuku Midoriya x super affectionate f!reader

A/N: Hello my beautiful readers! It’s your friendly neighborhood big tiddy goth gf and lowkey weeb 💖Here we have a slight crack/fluff fic featuring reader loving on the sweet broccoli headed boy. This fic was especially inspired by @birds-have-teeth and their blog so go check them out! My affectionate/nurturing side goes haywire whenever I see him. Yes I know people don’t like him but I have the insatiable urge to wrap him in my arms and tell him what a good boi he is so here we go. Shoutout to writing senpais who gave my last fic lots of love and thank you for the support 💖🥺💖 @trafalgar-temptress @queensynderella @kingtamakimurder 

You were always affectionate. Always ready to give hugs and hold hands if someone needed it. You had open arms for anyone (besides that nasty grape bastard) and everyone was used to it, the girls of class 1-A being extra affectionate with you. You were most thankful for Mina, Kirishima, and Tooru who especially seemed to share your joy in being close with others.

You never pushed your affections on anyone while always asking for permission the first few times. You slowly got the entire class used to it. You even got Iida used to it, which is a mystery in itself. Platonic cuddle sessions were common between your friends, even the male ones. But you could never get one certain green curly haired boy used to it.

It annoyed the hell out of you but you were blind to the fact he wasn’t used to affections from girls, much less pretty girls. Pulling him in for a hug made him freeze for a few seconds or even passing out on a few occasions. He never complained or rejected your actions so that confused you even more.

You were early as usual and made your way to class. Suddenly you saw the sharp toothed unbreakable sweetheart in the halls walking next to the always yelling angry explosive blonde. Your heart raced excitingly and you called out to your favorite red headed cuddle buddy to indulge in your daily routine.

“KIRIIIIIIII~” you sang as you sprinted toward him in the mostly empty hall. Ignoring the weird looks you always got with smile, you ran with open arms and a bright smile. He turned and smiled brighter than the sun at you, bracing himself for impact with his own open arms. You launched yourself at him and he caught you with a laugh, wrapping his arms around your waist and squeezing you in a bear hug that made your day just so much brighter.

You latched yourself to him like a koala, nuzzling your cheek against his and holding onto his strong broad shoulders. “Good morning Kiri!” You sang, giggling softly in pure glee as he held you. “Good morning teddy bear!” He greeted back happily, showing off his sharp teeth with a blinding smile. You heard a very aggravated “Tch” next to you and you turned to look at the angry hedgehog.

“You can get a hug too Bakugo, I know you’re jealous cause you’re secretly a cuddle bug too~” you smiled cheekily at him. He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked away with a small blush on his cheeks. You giggled once again. Kiri put you down and you readjusted your uniform before walking right up to Bakugo.

You looked up at him with an excited twinkle in your eyes for a moment before you pulled him for a short hug. You wrapped your arms around his thin waist and nuzzled your face in his chest. (Damn Bakugo, what you doing out here lookin like a whole ass snack???)

He froze before a moment and then hugged you back, wrapping his strong arms around you while resting his chin on top of your head. All with a bright pink blush on his cheeks and his ears, his signature scowl still stuck on his face. You pulled away and gave him a playful smile. “See? I knew you were secretly a cuddle bug, takes one to know one. But I’ll keep it a secret tough guy.” You shot him a flirty wink before running to the classroom. The distant screaming of Bakugo combined with Kirishima laughing and the popping of his explosions making you yourself laugh.

You made it to the classroom, and were greeted by Mina and Tooru who immediately took you by the hands and pulled you down to your desk, where you set your stuff. You gave a bright good morning to Iida and Todoroki and received a polite good morning and nod respectively from the boys. You knew they weren’t big on affection even though you had a feeling if you got Todoroki used to it, he would be the biggest cuddle monster in the world.

The next person who came into the classroom was the target of your affections and long time crush. None other than the greenette with wild curly hair, cute freckles and big green eyes that made your loving side go into an almost violent frenzy. Your eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and gave a girls a knowing look. They gave a small nod and went back to talking to whatever they were discussing. They were used to your loving antics by now and shared a hushed giggle with one another. You shot up from your seat and parkoured over several desks from your seat in the back of the room.

You got to him and immediately pulled him into the room and grabbed a hold of his hand, interlacing your fingers together while guiding him to his desk. You then pulled him into a tight hug. You pressed his face in your chest and softly pet his hair.

“Good morning, my sweet green bean! How’s the cutest sweetie in the world today?” You cooed at him. Ignoring the giggles from your friends, you released him when you realized he probably couldn’t breathe. You said a small sorry and took a good look at him, he was full body blushing and was trying to stutter out a good morning back. Poor boy was so overwhelmed he froze in place while his mind was racing a billion miles an hour.

You were confused as to why he was so red and you thought he had a fever. So you checked, taking his cute face into your hands while you looked at him, your thumbs rubbing comforting circles on those chubby freckled cheeks automatically. Your actions soothed his panicking and he just silently enjoyed your affections.

Poor broccoli boy thought he would melt into a puddle. Seeing you so focused on him made his heart race. He admired your face silently, looking carefully at your beautiful sparking eyes and the slight pink tint on your soft lips. He wondered if your lips tasted as good as they looked.

What you did next almost made his heart stop. You gently pulled his face to yours and brushed your nose with his, all while smiling so happily he thought dying like this wasn’t the worst way to go out. His heart was beating against his ribcage so violently it almost hurt. He snapped out his haze when he realized he had to reply.

He blinked a few times and tried to clear up the heat radiating off of him with a deep breath. His face turned from fully red to just a bright pink blush on his cheeks and ears. He took in another deep breath and focused his train of thought to forming a response.

“G-g-goodmorning Y/N-chan! I’m doing great!” was all he could manage to get out in his wild state of mind. He cursed himself internally for stuttering in front of you and wishing he was smooth enough to make YOU blush.

You still hadn’t let go of his impossibly cute face, thinking of how cute it was that he was resting his face in your smaller hands like a tired puppy. You internally squealed in delight. He was so cute that you wanted to kiss him but it took every ounce of your self restraint to not to when you realized you both were in class. You quickly glanced at the clock and reluctantly let go of his face.

“Oh my, class is about to start! I’ll see you in a bit cutie pie!~” you beamed at him before you left, walking away to your own desk with an extra pep in your step. He froze for a moment, trying to process the interaction with you. He placed his stuff under the small table and sat down at his desk. He took a few moments to collect himself and then pulled out his hero journal.

He scribbled down your actions and his thoughts on what you did this morning. He willed away his blush somehow when everyone else filed in. He was trying to figure out why you were as affectionate as you are not that he disliked it. All throughout the school day, he would sneak quick glances at you.

He couldn’t fully pay attention in class. It was a rare chill day so he didn’t have to worry about trying to form a coherent thought while you’re in your hero costume. He tried to focus on his lessons, but his train of thought always led back to you. He was quite smitten with you, little to your knowledge.

He recalled how soft your hands were and how gentle you were with him. He was daydreaming about you and your life together, if he was so lucky to get to spend his life with you. You were warm and inviting, always smiling and befriending anyone and everyone. You even got Kacchan to give you hugs. KACCHAN!

That in itself was no easy task, heavenly beings knows Izuku tried to make peace with the ash blonde. But you seemed to do it so easily. You were smart, unbelievably beautiful, friendly and so KIND. He was struck with a wave of insecurity.

What if you didn’t like him the same way he liked you? He got help and got lucky, inheriting one for all and a spot in UA. What if his luck ran out before it got to you? What if he couldn’t make you happy? Did he even deserve you? What if you found someone that suited you better? Could he take it?

His thoughts were interrupted by a cold hand placed on his shoulder. He jumped about 10ft in the air from shock before he whipped his head to look at who broke him out of his thoughts. It was Todoroki thankfully, he sighed in relief. The half and half boy spoke first.

“Class just ended. I saw you couldn’t pay attention in classes today, so I took notes for you. You like her don’t you? Y/N?” Izuku gave him a surprised look with a light pink on his cheeks and then nodded once. He’s been friends with Shouto for awhile but his observational skills and blunt tone always surprised him.

“You should tell her, she likes you quite a bit you know? She coddles you more than anyone else in class. Just ask her out.” Todoroki stated as both boys were walking back to the dorms to change and do their homework in the peace of their rooms. Izuku was filled with determination as he and Todoroki walked. He made a plan to ask you out on a date in your room later that night.

You arrived at your room, opening the door then shutting it and plopping your things down roughly after taking off your shoes. You loudly groaned at the amount of homework that was assigned as you took off your uniform and bra before making your way to the dresser to pick out something comfortable to wear.

A green pair of sleep shorts and black oversized t shirt with all might on the front of it is what you chose. You smiled at color combo, thinking about the cute greenette and his wild curls. You quickly pulled them on and went to grab your bag to take out your insane amount of homework. ‘I know we had a chill day but going plus ultra on the amount of homework is a bit ridiculous isn’t it?’

You tied your hair up in a messy bun and set everything up before getting to work. You did your math first, just to get it out of the way. (I hate math, bruh id rather write a thesis on zuko from avatar the last airbender’s character arc.) Then onto English, then social studies, then hero studies.

More than a few hours later, everything was done. You dragged your hand down your face before harshly rubbing your eyes. ‘Fuck I finally finished’ you internally groaned as you looked at the digital clock on your desk. It was 8pm. You packed up your stuff and then flopped down on your bed like a ragdoll.

Before you could get a full chance to fully relax you heard someone knock at your door. You got up and looked through the peephole, just to see your crush. You panicked, not wanting him to wait at your door but you also thought you looked like a mess. (You didn’t you beautiful thing 😘) You quickly opened your door just to come face to face with the shy boy.

“H-hey, cutie pie! What’s up?” You cringed at your stutter. His body language was trying to be confident but nervous to say the least. Not that you were any better. He was anxiously playing with his fingers but looked you dead in the eye for second before shutting them tightly. A bright blush overtook his face as he glanced at your outfit, the shirt was so big that made it look like you weren’t wearing pants. Before his R rated thoughts could take over he spoke.

“I-I LIKE YOU A LOT Y/N-CHAN AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU W-WANTED TO GO ON A D-DATE WITH ME THIS SATURDAY!” He nearly yelled. Eyes still squeezed tight in embarrassment as he gripped his scarred hand together. Saying you were caught off guard was an understatement.

Your crush, the cute green bean? The sweet shy boy who could barely look you in the eye sometimes and passed out during your hugs, just asked you out on a date????? You were overjoyed of course but also taken aback by him nearly yelling his love for you.

You were stunned for a moment, mostly because you didn’t expect this. You snapped out of your confusion while a bright smile took over your face. While you were silent, Izuku was waiting for your rejection. His heart was racing out of nervousness and he started to sweat lightly. Your response stopped his self doubt and anxiety from spiraling out of control.

“Of course, Izu-kun! I would love to go on a date with you! I’ve liked you since the beginning of the year and you always seemed so nervous around me so I was just a bit surprised.” You replied brightly. His eyes opened in shock and he stopped shaking. When did he start shaking?

“I’ll uhh- pick you up here on Saturday at 6? Is that alright?” He was talking normally now albeit still nervous. You nodded at him with a bright smile before you took a step foreword and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. You felt him freeze. He stared at you in amazement and with the all the love he could offer. When you stepped back you saw he had placed a hand on the cheek that you had kissed, with the blush on his face still on his cute cheeks.

“See you then cutie~!” You sang as you stepped back into your room and gently shut the door. He broke out in a bright smile while he walked back toward his dorm. He was so excited and happy that he was practically vibrating. Not only did you say you’d love to go out with him but you confessed that you’ve liked him since the beginning of the year? He was overjoyed to say the least.

When he got back to his room, he flopped down on the bed with a bright smile on his face while staring at the ceiling. He pulled a pillow to his face and let out an excited squeal into it. The first step was taken and now he just needed to gather up the courage to take the rest of them with you.

Izuku‘s was heart racing and his cheeks hurting from how hard he smiled. He couldn’t wait till Saturday.

[popculturebuffet]

House of Mouse Review: Not So Goofy or The Ungoofy Is Upon Us!

GG

Welcome back to the RIDE OF THE THREE CABLLEROS. And i’m hitting the ground running to continue the trek after some lessened activity over the holiday weekend. Especially with Christmas season already there.. and.. things to take care of. 

Your time will come, you blighted hell of an episode. But no today we’re talking about something actually good! It’s Not So Goofy! It’s back on in to the house of mouse as this was only one year after the previous episode. We’re on to season 2 though frankly i’d have to re-watch more of the show to spot a difference. The show really didn’t change all that much between seasons. The only difference i’ve heard of is Pete is ENTIRELY absent this season, so my long spiel on him being on the show continues to be worthless and I continue to not regret it. But since I covered most of the stuff I knew about the series and how much I liked it last time we can dive straight into the episode> And this one was a treat for me as Goofy was my faviorite watching this show back in the day and is tied with donald now as my faviorite of the classic characters.. not that it’s hard competition but still I love both. Goofy is kind, clumsy, and a loving father, he’s who we are and who we want to be all in one. As with last time, which you can find on the disney tab on my blog, i’ll be reviewing the host segment seperate from the short’s for coherency’s sake. So with that in mind...

NOT SO GOOFY: Hot Goofy on Beast Action We open with Mickey intorducing the show and everyone chanting house of mouse, house of mouse, which makes me want a version of the show that’s a disney fight club, with over the top smash bros or scott pilgrim style battles. God that’s a project I never completed.. reviewing that series... maybe some day i’ll just start from scratch and do that.. HINT. Point is instead  of Disney Fight Club, we get goofy breaking a bunch of shit, because this episode he’s extra clumsy. Though thanks tot his I am reminded the HOM’s jaintoral staff is the brooms from fantasia, which is a nice touch and we get a nice bit of Minnie sending all of them after Goofy keeps breaking stuff. So despite Mickey being the one interrupted constantly, everyone else is hte one to point it out, Minnie politley everyone else just sorta barging in. I was going to give out about them giving out when none of them were effected but.. really bad wait service really dose impact them all: Donald is co owner so if goofy injures someone he has to help pay the setlement, Minnie runs the staff and has had to have her brooms work double to clean up, Hoarace has to clean up structural damage, Daisy is guest services so she has to hear about it, Clarabelle only heard a rumor and Gus is chef so he has to remake the food. So i’m sympathetic to all of them.. except Gus. Gus your only gimmicks are your lazy, you eat things, and in animations case you only communicate by honking obnoxiously. You don’t get to insult a comedic genuis for doing his bit. 

But Goofy overhears this and is upset, saying they want him to be the oppsitie of goofy, ungoofy. I mean technically your right, but an ungoofy would be something more like this. 

“I WAIT INSIDE YOUR HOUSE UNTIL THE CRESENT DAWN THEN ONE BY ONE YOU’LL ALL BE GONE. “

See nothing like goofy. But no ungoofy in this episode’s case is just goofy acting refined and posh. And to help with that after the first cartoon, aka half the episode as i’m now realizing is standard, is...

I will never get tired of doing that. Rob Paulsen is back as Jose, and does a MUCH BETTER job this time. Though really that’s also because he has more to actually work with this time, so he can actually play the character. Him being a white guy playing a Brazilian is still unfortunate, still not his fault, and was covered more last time. We’ll get into how Jose helps goofy after the cut. 

So Jose helps goofy try to ungoofy himself.. which as established isn’t how that works but hey. So we get a funny montage of Goofy learning the ropes of being significant, getting a turkey on his head, and backslapping jose so hard he flies into the next room and goofy wonders where he is. I don’t have much to add, it’s just funny. It’s why reviewing comedy is hard. Besides being subjective sometimes that’s the most you can say. 

So it works, and Goofy helps everyone in a dignified manner.. and this is where the plot starts to slip up slightly, as for starters Goofy’s apperance is the same, he’s just closing his eyes a lot. He’s also not really doing anything wrong... the closest he gets is massaging bugs out of the beasts hair when he has an itch. 

And that’s because he didn’t ask if they have an open marraige.. I mean they probably do, Belle’s open minded and beast has needs, but still, he should’ve asked. Otherwise it’s going great.  As for where it goes wrong.. it’s because he dosen’t really DO anything bad. He isn’t an uptight jerkass about it or anything, he isn’t mean or tyranical to the customers or dosen’t transition to that he’s just.. not himself. Which isn’t good, btu the most he does in that regard is just not give the goofy laugh. Mickey and Minnie just suddenly kind of decided “Whelp this is bad let’s fix that”. And Disney would do this better, one of the Mickey Mouse shorts had Minnie, swooning over a sophisicated gentelman type on tv, give Mickey finishing lessons which turned him into a snobbish monster who broke up with her for daring to serve Bologna and not having a waiter. That WORKED.. and not just because we got Donald and Goofy kidnapping Mickey. But because we were shown there was nothing wrong with him in the first place, and there was something bad with the change. 

Here Goofy’s just.. compitent at his job. he’s not cruel to say max or clarabelle, he’s just refined. He should be himself, i’m entirely on board with that, but he’s not shown being worse off. I’m not saying he should stay posh, just give him a clear reason why his life is worse off this way is all. It’s basic storytelling.  But since Jose can’t just.. undo his training because he dosen’t know how they bring in Panchito! And we get another delightful song as Panchito tries to give a good lesson on being yourself with the help of his fellow cabs by explaning his long ass middle name... with Rob Paulsen’s voice. Yeah while Rob dosen’t play Panchito outside of song, he does end up voicing him for the number, likely because of his signature rapid fire delivery in music, but still does a GREAT job at that too. Serously I wasn’t just trying to placate people calling him a legend last time, he REALLY is fantastic, he was just given nothing to work with and here the diffrence shows as the song is really catchy, really beautifully animated and really fun and really plays to Rob’s strengths. Again casting a white man as a Latino is .. pretty sketchy, but it’s not Rob’s fault and i’m sure if Carlos was even offered the song, or even if he wansn’t, Rob apologized for it and made sure it was okay> Wether it actually was I don’t know but I can’t genuinely see Rob Paulson as the kind of guy to be racisit or steal rolls or any of that stuff. It’s likely they just knew he could sing fast and wanted to do that and dind’t think through implications. 

The song dosen’t quite work so they play a short, and when that fails Mickey closes the show sincerly thanking everyone and apologizing to Goofy. Goofy is restored.. horay? What do you think ungoofy?

“SOON THE APOTHEOSIS WILL BE APON THEE AND ALL WILL BE GOOF. ALL WILL BE GOOF. “ Oh you always say that Final Thoughts on Not So Goofy Wraparound: Not terrible, but it’s really thin plot wise. but joke and song wise it’s REALLY good, so overall i’d say i’ts just okay> Not a great or memorable plot, or an original one really, btu the use of the cabs is FAR better this time around, the song is really damn good, and there are some good jokes, so overall it works. Like the last one the wraparound is nothing specail, but it’s still deeply entertaining. Speaking of entertaining, let’s talk shorts. 

Roller Coaster Painters:  It’s one of those old “Mickey, Donald and Goofy” have a buisness deals, where all are hired to paint a rollercoaster with the person who does the most getting a free pass for life and Donald naturally being the only one who cares. A paint war insues between Donald and Mickey... mostly because Donald wants the prize real bad and Mickey wants to “give him a run for his money” instead of just helping him because he’s a dick I guess? I dunno, but it escalates to them paiting each other and, in my favorite part, Donald stealing shit from the park to create a paint arsenal for himself, forging the prize to get his revenge. Fun paint base fighting ensues, and Goofy inevitably wins and rips the thing. SImple, but really charming with really fluid and wonderful animation helping accenutate the hyjinks. Really good slaptstick stuff and a VAST improvment over the last episode’s longer short. 

Goofy’s Extreme Sports Wakeboarding:  Just a fun, silly skit of Goofy wakeboarding, my faviorite bit being him doing the tantrum, which his him doing a child’s tantrum in mid-air. What was your faviorite bit UnGoofy?

“BEHOLD MY SEED, THE SEED OF YOUR DOOM, THE SEED OF ALL WORLDS AND THE SEED OF ALL BLOOMS!” 

Awwwwww.... he has a kid now. 

How to Wash Dishes: Another How to Bit. Not as strong as the last one but still fun and throughly relatable as Goofy’s a dishwasher, which having been one twice now, I can relate to his surly disposition at the narrator guy talking it up. The Narrator then.. has goofy run up credit card debt because he’s a terrible person, hijinks ensue, and Goofy ends up.. washing dishes. Overall a fun short, and again relatable as Washing Dishes is not great. Not quite as good as the other two, but still enjoyable because well. it’s goofy after all. 

OveralL Thoughts: This was more like it. While the plot of the main segment was kind of thin and nonsensical in places... it worked because this is more of a comedy show and the wraparounds are more focused on jokes and crossover gags than a real plot, and worked SLIGHTLY better. The shorts were also really great, making this a hell of a lot more fun to watch. Highly recommend it to any cabs or house of mouse fan or if your intrested in house of mouse, this is a good one to try out.  If you liked this review, reblog it, like it, comment etc etc, and if you have an episode of house of mouse, another disney show, or just another show in general you’d like me to cover you can comission episodes by sending me a direct message on here or an ask to get my discord to hash things out there. Right now comissions are ONLY 3 bucks through monday, so get em now while their hot! And until next time there’s always another rainbow.  NEXT TIME: It’s Don Rosa again! Horary!. 

[fromzerotoeuphoria]

me watching Free!

a journaling of my thoughts & reactions while watching the anime Free!

✧ ✧ ✧

(reposted from old blog, July 22, 2020)

7/14/20, 4:21 AM

Okayyyy. So, I saw this anime on a list of anime similar to Haikyuu!! and then I also started seeing people referencing it in different comments/posts online regarding Haikyuu!! and other sports anime. I kinda wanna check it out, of course not going into it really comparing it to Haikyuu!! I’ll try not to…I’d want to give it a fair shot. I may watch the first ep, may not. I’m really tired and I have to go out tomorrow and my eyes are killing me (plus I still need to catch up with Ahiru No Sora and Full Metal Alchemist and a whole lot of other anime).

✧

7/14/20, 11:32PM

So last night I ended up watching eps 1-3 and honestly, I’m enjoying the anime so far. I haven’t really connected with any of the characters yet, but overall I’m enjoying myself (I think because I’m too hung up on my Karasuno boys right now, ah well). Also, a plus: the main girl isn’t annoying, lol. I actually like her a lot, which isn’t common for me and anime girls. But Gou/Kou? isn’t a trope-filled anime girl, she’s not overly shy or timid  or clumsy or any of those annoying traits that are supposed to somehow be “endearing”. She’s a normal, relatable girl (and dang she’s gorgeous too!)

Also, I really like how the antagonist Rin was a super good friend to the main gang in the past: he was the upbeat, positive kid and a good sport who charmed everyone and pushed Haru to swim in a relay with him when they were kids. But his personality has taken a HUGE turn, and at first it rubbed me the wrong way because the 180 didn’t make sense. Then it was explained a little (some trouble when he moved to Australia?) and it actually is understandable:

Rin’s dream is to be an Olympic swimmer, and Haru is just naturally super gifted at swimming. When Rin came for a visit from his special swimming school in Australia during middle school, it killed him that despite all that time devoted to training, he still couldn’t beat Haru. And that caused the rift between the two friend and caused Haru to quit competitive swimming because he thought he hurt Rin—it also  caused a change in Rin’s attitude. I like this backstory, it makes the dynamic between the protagonist and antagonist much more interesting.

Anyways, I actually want to watch a few more eps now (even tho I’m exhausted) as a kind of “feel good” wind down. Idk if I’m gonna get into this anime as much as I did Haikyuu, and maybe not even as much as I am into ANS or Fire Force, but we’ll see. The other sports anime have a large cast which gives you many options and opportunities to fall in love with characters, but Free! only has like 4 guys on their swim team…and one of them is a lil annoying :P So, we’ll see, it may just be a “wind down” anime that i don’t get emotionally /mentally invested in but still enjoy. Or i could become totally bored with it, or i could fall head over heels for these characters like I did with Haikyuu. Probs not the latter, if there was that possibility I think there’d be a lot more people in love with this anime and these characters than what I’ve seen so far on the internet. But again, we’ll see.

✧

7/15/20 6:10AM

Umm okay YEAH WOW THAT LAST EPISODE WAS BEAUTIFUL OMG. Yeah I know, I know, I haven’t been journaling but I just decided to keep watching episode after episode and I got SO sucked into the relationship between Rin and Haru (as well as Rin and Mako/Nagisa) and UGH I LOVE THEIR BROMANCE and ELEMENTARY SCHOOL RIN IS LITERALLY BEST BOY.

Like honestly, the drama of the fractured friendship between Rin and the others—but especially Haru—was one of the main things that drove me to keep watching ep after ep until i finally was like, “Eh, might a well just watch ’til ep 12.” I was feeling all kinds of emotions lol, like being MAJORLY PISSED at Rei in ep 11 for butting into the guys’ history (but it’s ok he’s forgiven after letting Rin swim in his place in ep 12) to completely losing my mind when Haru and Rin reconciled. Anyways, yeahhhh soooooo I care about these boys now XD Not as much as I do Karasuno or anything like that, but I do feel things for Rin x Haru primarily, and then Makoto. I’m interested in seeing how the next season goes now that Rin is friends with the boys again. ~ EDIT 12:14PM – Okay earlier I was very exhausted (I literally binged-watched freakin NINE episodes, omg) and wasn’t as coherent as usual, so I didn’t really capture all my thoughts and feelings. I’m still rather tired, but I did want to say that I TOTALLY had a Rin-Haru-ship moment in the last episode: the entire time I’ve been absolutely adoring Rin’s friendship with the boys in elementary school; he was the shining star in their friendship. I wanted that again for the guys because elementary-school Rin was so wonderful, and he was a perfect foil to Haru’s personality. I absolutely loved how quiet, aloof Haru stubbornly tried to be disinterested in Rin but couldn’t stay away because Rin was so dynamic and charismatic (I mean, when Haru found out Rin ran home after swim practice, Haru determinedly started doing the same). Rin drove Haru, though Haru didn’t realize until after the relay race. And in return, years later in high school when the two raced at Rin’s new school that night, it was Haru who unknowingly made Rin rediscover his love for swimming after he had quit all those years ago (omg I really do love this anime TT_TT).

So throughout the episodes there’s all this underlying care that Rin shows for not only Haru but also Makoto as well, and vice versa. It was intriguing and magnetic and made me totally invested in seeing these guys reconcile. So when Rin faltered in the 100m race because he was so distracted by the emotional turmoil he felt about not racing with Haru and the others in the relay race, I was SO FOR IT because I wanted to see him distressed about the other guys—that showed that he really cared so deeply about them that it threw off his game. And when Rin not only made last place but was visibly heaving and couldn’t pull himself out of the water, I was even more like “AHHHKLAJDKJASLKLSAD!!!” and then when Haru was so overcome with concern and immediately shot out of his seat to go find Rin without a word I WAS LIVINGGGG OMG and then on top of that when he heard Rin say that he had quit swimming in the past and should’ve stayed quit and Haru stood there in shock  and having war flashbacks to his and Rin’s falling out in middle school and Haru basically collapsed against a wall in devastation of losing Rin yet again and possibly forever EVERYONE I WAS SOARING AND LIVING AND UGH IT WAS JUST SHKLSKFSKSSKDKJF THAT WAS EVERYTHING!!!!!

And then Haru finally explicitly says that all he wanted was to swim with Rin again and ugh I’m just WOW that episode was EVERYTHING, like literally that episode alone bumped this anime up so many levels for me and now my investment is so much more piqued than it was before (and I was binging this thing). I mean, they hinted at Haru wanting to just swim with Rin again in an earlier episode when Rin beat Haru at freestyle and said, “Now I’ll never have to swim with you again” and Haru was visibly shaken up at those words. He literally told Makoto that his freakin world went black when Rin said that like…AKDJFKHAJSKJD??!?!?!

UGH I love Haru and Rin’s relationship so much 😩. If adult Rin is anything like elementary-school Rin still…I may have found my bias ;) I haven’t seen nice adult Rin yet so we’ll see in Season 2.

Anyways, yeah. SIGH. WOW. Episode 12 took me by surprise with the switch-up and I was LIVINGGGG for it. WOW. I am SO HAPPY it happened and that the four of them are friends again. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a better ending ^_^

[thewnchstrs]

Fade to Black

Pairing: WinchesterSister!Reader

Disclaimers: lots of blood, stabbing, tears, near-death

Word Count: 1.5K

M A S T E R L I S T

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The blade seemed to have come out of nowhere.

The demon plunged it into deep into Y/N’s stomach as she pinned her to the floor, the pain so shocking Y/N didn’t register it for a few seconds. A white hot burn that blossomed just like the blood that was already seeping through her clothes. 

She tried pushing her away, her hands fumbling to get the demon far from her when the demon slowly dragged the blade out, making Y/N scream in pain, blood gurgling at the back of her throat as the demon plunged the blade into her stomach again, this time, slightly higher than the first one and agonizingly slow.

The demon smiled down at Y/N as she leaned her weight onto the blade making it go deeper and deeper, the hilt of the blade pushing into her abdomen as if she were trying to make the entire thing disappear inside Y/N, making stars dance across her vision. The demon mumbled something, but Y/N could only watch as her lips moved when suddenly the demon was thrown off of her, her weight disappearing from where she was sitting on Y/N’s legs.

Sam ran toward Y/N, eyes wild as watched her writhe on the floor, blood-stained hands grasping at the gaping wound. Her hands were stained dark red, her eyes wild as she realized what was happening.

“It’s okay,” Sam said, barely able to even get the words out. He pulled his flannel off, balling it up and pushing down onto Y/N’s stomach in an attempt to stop the continuous stream of blood. Y/N’s screams only became louder, her fists tightening as she tried to push Sam away, the pain too unbearable. 

“I know, I know,” Sam said, not letting up, his heart breaking as Y/N sobbed. “Dean!”

Dean had just finished exorcising the demon who’d stabbed Y/N, running back toward Sam, skidding across the floor as he stopped in front of them, his heart nearly stopping at the sight. Sam tried to talk to him, yelling at him to get the car but he sounded like he was underwater.

“Dean!” Sam called again, yelling even louder, slamming Dean back into reality as he quickly sprung into action. He yanked his jacket off, handing it to Sam as he nearly sprinted out of the old house toward the car on the other side of the lot. 

Sam quickly switched out the shirts, changing to Dean’s dry jacket to hold on her stomach, his eyes bouncing from the stab wound to Y/N’s face that seemed to grow paler and paler by the second.

“Hey, hey, you gotta stay with me, Y/N.” Sam practically begged. “Are you with me?”

“I’m with you,” Y/N groaned. It was enough for Sam to keep going, trying anything to stay focused while also trying to keep Y/N awake.

Any kind of topic of conversation was lost on Sam as he racked his brain for something, anything, when he could come up with only one thing, “Remember that time you put the bleach in Dean’s shampoo?”

Y/N let out a short laughed, drops of blood spurting onto her chin, “I’ll never forget that.”

Sam quickly turned the jacket over to the dry side, his head whipping up toward the open door of the house, praying for the Impala’s headlights to come into view, “He looked like a Ken doll for months.”

“He never-” Y/N began, taking a labored breath before continuing, “looked worse.”

Lights suddenly filled the house as Dean pulled up the car, giving Sam a better look at her wounds, making him realize just how bad it looked, making him even more frantic. Looping an arm around the back of Y/N’s neck and the other under her knees, he gently picked her up, the change in position making her whimper. 

“It’ll be okay, Y/N, don’t worry, okay?” Sam tried to reassure her as he ran down the porch steps, sliding into the backseat with her as Dean quickly pulled away from the house, the Impala speeding down the driveway and making a sharp turn onto the main road.

“You still okay, kid?” Dean asked, looking over his shoulder, white-knuckling the steering wheel.

“Can’ get rid of me...tha easy,” Y/N stumbled, trying her best to form a coherent sentence as she leaned her weight against Sam, the back of her head resting on his chest, his arms looped around to her stomach.

“You’ve gotta go faster, Dean,” Sam whispered as if trying to hide the severity of the situation from Y/N who could feel every drop of blood that rolled down her side. 

Dean pushed down harder on the gas, the car speeding forward as he navigated to the closest hospital, his heart pounding with every passing minute that Y/N wasn’t on an operating table.

“Sammy-” Y/N whispered as her grip on Sam’s hand loosened slightly. Sam leaned closer to hear her, “Sammy, ‘m so tired.”

“No, no, you can’t close your eyes,” Sam warned, trying everything to keep her awake as she slowly closed her eyes, Sam’s heart nearly stopping, “Y/N! C’mon, Y/N!”

Dean’s head whipped to the backseat where Y/N laid still against Sam who shook her, desperately trying to wake her back up, “Hold on, Sam!”

Swerving into the hospital, he pulled straight up to the emergency entrance. He threw the back door open, helping Sam out of the car, Y/N’s small frame held close to him. They sprinted inside, yelling for help at anyone, heads in each direction whipping toward them as a gurney was immediately pulled out. 

Sam gently laid Y/N on the table who limply fell against it, her bloody body now bathed in harsh lighting that illuminated every inch of her battered torso. They watched as the nurses whisked her away as they stood back helplessly, knowing there wasn’t much they could do anymore.

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It was nearly two hours before they’d heard anything, leaving them both waiting in suspense, their eyes never being taken from the emergency rooms doors they weren’t allowed into. They hardly spoke a word to each other because at this point, there were no words to describe the fear that pooled in their bellies. 

That fear was what paralyzed them when the doctor came out into the waiting room. There could be two things the doctor could tell them, a 50/50 chance that their sister was still back there, alive.

Without realizing it, Sam and Dean were standing in front of the doctor who explained the logistics of everything they’d done, but they really only heard one sentence of it all, “She’s going to be okay.”

It was like a breath of fresh air that rushed through them, relief like a tidal wave as they followed the doctor to their sister who was laying in her hospital bed, clicking through the channels on the TV. Her face was ashen, but smiled to her brother nonetheless.

“Told you you wouldn’t get rid of me that easy,” she said, her voice hoarse as she smirked, Sam and Dean pulled up a chair next to either side of her bed, smiling beside themselves.

“I knew you’d be fine,” Dean said, making both Sam and Y/N roll their eyes.

“Oh really?”

Dean hesitated, catching his tongue between his teeth, unable to look his sister in the eyes as he thought about the way she looked on the hospital gurney, “No.”

Y/N instinctively held a hand over the wraps on her stomach that concealed her stitches. Another addition to her collection, “I’m sorry...I should’ve been paying more attention-”

“It’s not your fault,” Sam interjected, grabbing onto her free hand, as he shook his head, letting a tear fall, “I thought you were gone.”

Y/N squeezed his hand lightly, knowing the fear that goes through each of them whenever one of them is hurt. The sting of knowing that they were inches from death is one they’ll never forget. 

Dean stared off as he though about it, his hands clasped in front of his mouth, Y/N pulling on his arm to hold his hand in hers. He ripped his eyes away from the wall to his sister’s, his heart breaking as he whispered, “You know...as I was driving, I thought of all the things I thought I would never be able to tell you. I thought about how I would never hear you sing in the backseat anymore or make you your favorite breakfast-” Dean sniffed, shaking his head, looking up at the ceiling, trying to hold himself together. Y/N’s lip trembled as she watched the two of them crumble in front of her in a way she’d never seen before.

“I’m here,” Y/N choked out, “I’m not going anywhere.” Sam and Dean tried their best to smile, patting her hands. Sam tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, “Sorry about your shirts.”

Sam and Dean laughed, marveling at their sister who, even though death seemed to be lurking around every corner, she always managed to make it back to them.

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[kittyg67789]

do u have a good DND story?

warning: long af post bc i’m tired and what’s a formatting or coherent writing style i don’t know her lmao

HOooooo boy there’s maybe too many... Also depends on what kind you want lol. Like there’s the time we fought the Honkdra, aka a Goose Hydra, who was definitely way too strong and also the token the dm used was the goose from the untitled goose game. Then the sequel to that fight, which was of course the Quaken, aka sea monster in which the token was a giant rubber duck but like also there’s tentacles. It didn’t even murder our party, it basically just said fuck our boat and then left, so then we ended up stranded on the island we are currently on in game (we were looking for that island but STILL). Also there’s a clown cult on that island that were currently dealing with, chaotic squirrels, and we also fought the unicorns from the charlie video as a lowkey boss on this island earlier too. OH also we’ve fought the black knight from monty python multiple times. 

If you want maybe less silly ones, There’s the time my pally lesbean cha ended up having to sacrifice themselves for the party. Basically what ended up happening was at a world council meeting thingy we were at to try and convince people to help us with some magic war bullshittery, we basically got suddenly attacked by the enemy. Which, happened to include my cha’s long lost love, who is the reason she set out on the journey in the first place bc basically her love and her sister fell through a portal and my cha had been searching for them ever since. Here’s the thing tho, Love interest happens to basically be possessed/undead and forced to do the bidding of the Bad guy, while being in pain and also being basically conscious the whole time. So uh you can imagine that fight of her pleas for desperation as she kicked the parties ass, and basically my cha ended up staying behind shouting at everyone else to run for it. Meanwhile keeping focus on the love interest, and getting them into a duel, because ya know. Problem is love interest is uh, strong as fuck, and easily downs my cha. Basically dooming my cha to the same fate as her, until the party can someday defeat and revive them. Her last words to my cha as she killed her were literally “Now we can be together forever...” so like. there’s THAT. Oh and uh it gets deeper too, my backup cha was actually the Older sister. Who had been searching for the other two the entire time as well, and of course, as she makes it to the town where she’s heard my cha is, she runs into the party in the next session and the first thing she finds out is that YES my cha was here, but also they literally JUST died. Oh also that their little sister was an undead puppet, and now they are becoming one too so like have fun with that. Game ended pretty soon after that though so unfortunately no resolution for their lovestory : (

Also was the time my oneshot cha basically stopped the BBEG by making a wish before they could on this weird fountain thing that was in like the dream world. The Dream/Real world were at odds, and the Door guard along with another cha basically were going to wish for the dream world to become the default world and therefore for the guard to become “real”. There was a cycle repeating, in which magic was being drained/removed from the real world, nad it was basically a Dream VS real world thing going on. So my cha, instead of wishing for the real world to succeed and to return and continue the cycle (and also say fuck the dream people), they wished for both worlds and ended the cycle. Problem is, this specific fountain, required a door guard. And the original one, cursed someone else into it so they werent the guard anymore, who we had to kill to get in. Meaning there was no guard for the wish fountain. We had also killed the original guard, although we spared the BBEG that had teamed up with them. But, instead of cursing the BBEG to become the new door guard and therefore risking the possibility that they too would get up to some fuckery like the original door guard. My cha made themselves become the door guard for all eternity instead, while the other party members took the BBEG with them and went  back to the real world where magic had been restored. 

Ok that was a lot of vague dnd dumping,,, there is always more,,, like for example, one of my current characters is an actual catgirl so ya know. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the DND dumping of information <3

(Also in case you’re interested in more dnd stuff, i have a dnd blog where i put my chas when i remember to draw them, and just other rando stuff @this-is-where-dnd-stuff-goes I haven’t finished drawing any of them in a long time, mostly just sketches, but ya kno they exist on there) 

[perpetualxfire]

ooc - explaining my absence

 I’ve been putting a lot of focus lately on outside story-writing projects, mostly to maintain my sanity; I’ve expressed this a bit to some friends (one friend) but I’ve been a little leery spending too much time here for... Historical fandom reasons, I’ll say, and what happens in fandom this next season is probably going to determine a lot whether or not it’s time to finally shelve a blog that I’ve been running in some iteration or another for about eight years now, so... It’s kind of a big deal.

 (Pre-post Edit): Sorry, This post is going to jump around a lot, aha, sorry; it’s tkind of stream of consciousness and I just don’t have the emotional energy left after writing it to go back and try to make it more coherent. I promise if this weren’t bothering me so much I wouldn’t have said anything at all - I’m the kind of person who tends to keep a lot of these issues to myself.

 I don’t know if there’s anybody left here who particularly cares about the details, as I know I’m both apparently a very intimidating individual to contact and then very difficult to maintain a conversation with once you have (sorry;;; i’m just... not much for talking, aha) but honestly at the end of the day that only peripherally contributes. This isn’t a post meant to say “nobody cares about me and why am I here”, don’t get me wrong - I know that I’m difficult to communicate with and I’ve accepted that for eight years in this space now. The fact that it’s been dead as hell after S14 and the last three seasons in show... weren’t the miracle the series needed, tbh (they weren’t BAD they just weren’t FANTASTIC, you know?) certainly hasn’t helped.

 My issue goes back into the early days of S9 and S10 fandom - my character has always been an incredibly controversial character to people, and I love her very very deeply and am more than happy to express how various misconceptions are wrong - or... I was. But it gets exhausting to get hit with vitriol over and over and over all the time, and a lot of well respected members of fandom have developed some... Not great ways of coping with what I can only describe as trauma from having stayed attached to such a controversial character. Trauma might seem a stretch, but when just the thought of some of it makes me start getting aggressively defensive, I don’t really know what else to label it as.

 There were a few years - a sweet spot - where people were finally receiving the message, were finally realizing just how deep and well written C.arolin.a is; S13, after the disaster (for Carolina, at least) that was S12, was practically her golden age. All of the good, and bad, the learning, the depth of her character - all of it was perfect. For once, it felt like everybody was on the same page, and while I didn’t get a lot of blog activity (not nearly the activity I had back during S9-11) it was nice to feel like I didn’t have to defend my right to love my character.

 The issue is, however, that S17 opened a wormhole. Don’t get me wrong - I love Lina’s arc in the past three seasons, even if I hate the tone they’re setting and converting S9+10 into (it feels like they’re bastardizing some of the most complex story-telling in the series, but that’s just my take); I even love the concept of her labyrinth scene - she’s literally physically fighting her interpretation of the person she was in the past. But, you can ask my friends, I knew the Instant I watched that episode that the way they handled it was sloppy and was going to be bad for fandom, and I’ve only been proven right. We’ve seen a consistent uptick in exactly the kind of thought process that I was terrified of, and exactly the kind of process that I simply do not have the energy to engage with again.

 Sorry if I start to lose coherence, this is honestly a very very emotional thing to write about - I can’t express my love for my time with this character and community enough, and the idea that I might have to deal with every a very faint fraction of, a faint hint of the vitriol I dealt with back in the day again has me literally shaking, so I’ll try to be fast.

 I’ve seen, in increasing numbers, the idea that C.arolin.a now is a much better and more loveable character than C.arolin.a back then was. And, on a surface level, you aren’t wrong; she’s softer, and easier to process. But the idea that you can have the C.arolin.a now without the C.arolin.a then is literally painful to me. I’ve spent hours upon hours taking apart how she’s such a powerful feminine figure in a dominantly male show and community, and to this day I’m convinced that that’s why she’s hated on, even if the people doing it don’t realize. She’s a woman who’s allowed to make mistakes, who’s allowed to make bad decisions that affect others as the result of deep manipulation I’d like to add, and who’s allowed to feel remorse for them when she learns. She’s allowed to be a full person, to explore the full range of a powerful emotionality and the impacts thereof, and the entire time she honestly believes that she’s doing what’s best (and that’s a hill I will die to defend, but I can’t really get into that right now).

 But now that the vast majority of her story arc has reached resolution, the issue we’re running into now is in a couple of different parts - namely, the 100% villainization (i know, not a word) of her past self (we should note that that scene was her interpretation of her past self, but god knows the people looking to dunk on her can’t appreciate that subtlety) and then the hanging idea that C.arolin.a did nothing but use and abuse the people around her - an inherently false idea that she proposes that the narrative allows to leave hanging.

 And, as I’ve predicted, I’ve only seen the people who hate everything who made her who she is today explode in numbers, and I just do not have the emotional energy to cope with that. If I have to see one more person say that they love her now but didn’t during the project I might explode. For a very very long time I was patient with people who didn’t like her during the project, because, to be fair, the writing did her no favors there, either; two seasons that were supposed to focus on her story (words of RT themselves, not me) managed to frame her as an irrational and irredeemable bitch because RT chose to focus on the dude squad (TM) to a point that it was detrimental to C’s character. All the pieces you need to put her rational and thought processes are there, but most people don’t take the time to see them and put them together. I can’t blame people for that. That’s why I’ve been so patient.

 But I can’t do this anymore.

 I can’t.

 Every single time I see it I start to get defensive, realize that’s not helping, and just shut down. I no longer have the patience necessary to help people put together the puzzle pieces that RT did a shit job of providing. I can’t handle people talking about how C is OBJECTIVELY worse than Wash again (I’m not going to argue here, don’t FUCKING make me), I can’t handle people claiming C did shit just to push her authority, or because she couldn’t stand being one-upped, because that’s inherently untrue and I just want to grab the community as a whole and scream how can you not see this after all this time.

 I just.... I’m tired of hurting for something that used to bring me so much joy. There was a time I didn’t mind fending off the haters because I had a close community of friends who would gush with me, some of whom I even converted from hating on C’s character, who were only just realizing the complexity of not just C but of those two seasons and all of the dynamics wherein as a whole. I loved going over just how complex freelancer was, if you can find the pieces, I loved forging new narratives within it, and since all of the freelancers have left, I’ve mostly hung on, because while the avid community that I like to think I helped foster was gone, so was the hate.

 But now, even if in a lesser form, that old mentality is lurking again, and I literally cannot handle it. I just can’t.

 So... We’re going to sit back. And lurk. And wait. And see what this next season (and the potential RP Com. Boom that comes as a result) has in store. And if it’s as bad as I’m worried it might be... It’s time for me to leave. Because I can’t put this much energy and love into something just to have to explain my right to do so anymore. There are people who love much more controversial characters who are accepted far more than there are people who love Ag.ent C.arolin.a, and at the end of the day, I just... I can’t accept that anymore. I like to think that I contributed at least a decent amount to the RPC over the years. Maybe I’m overstating; maybe I’m just tooting my own horn.

 But maybe it’s time I moved on.

[alternativewinxcontinuity]

For Winx Alt Con, are you planning to do season 4? If so, how will you handle the "magic returns to Earth" plot point?

I actually have notes up to season six for the Alt Con, getting them down in a coherent order is the problem ^.^

(I also have a few pages of hand written note for an alternative Alt Con which includes WOW in the timeline... kudos to the folks who picked up on the not at all subtle WOW reference already in the Alt Con)

How will I handle the Magic returns to Earth Plot Point?

Massive spoilers for season 3, 4, 5 and 6

Because at the rate I'm going, spoilers are kinder than making you all wait (also: this may no be any kind of coherent, because I am very tired and my coherency checker is still upset that I got her to watch one of my new hyper-focus Chinese Dramas. sorry about that.)

So the backstory goes that Morgana put Earth under quarantine before setting off a targeted Time Dilation field which shunted most magicals all fairies and the Black Circle out of sync with the rest of the Earth and left the planet in a perpetual state of magic drain that no one from off-world could explain.

It's not just the magic of the planet that gets drained though, the magical cores of every new magical on the planet also gets siphoned off leaving only children (whose cores haven't stabilised enough to be siphoned) and low level psychics (whose powers register as just-different-enough from magic to not be affected).(Also fairies who can shield themselves from siphoning, either by personal will and control, or by creating a shielded area in a weak spot in the siphoning spell. (yeah, I mean Eldora.))

This drain happens because the magic is powering the time dilation spell, which is why it was so important that Earth be put under quarantine.

Before the spell went of, Earth's Sea Gate (the magical doorway guarded by Selkies) was forced closed and effectively locked to stop any fluctuations that couldn't be accounted for by the absent fairies. It can only be opened 2 ways, one of those ways is if Morgana unlocks it, the second is if the lock is over written by a higher authority in the Sea Gate's 'system'.

Season 5 was... well it was season 5, I've stripped the majority of it out and used it to pad season 3, timeline now goes season 1, season 2, season 3&5, season 4, season 6. (the existence of season 7 & 8 in the Alt Con are still under consideration.)

Tritannus will be an add-on to Valtor's party, his mutation coming not from pollution, but the Mark of Valtor.

Tritannus is going to be trying to convince the Trix he can get them more power by taking the Throne (the one he was after in season 5) and he'll go off to do that. In his attempt to control its power he'll end up forcing all the Sea Gates open, causing magical disturbances throughout the Magical Dimension.

The Throne is the 'higher authority in the Sea Gate system' and the forced opening includes Earth's gate, and even once the forced open is terminated, the Earth gate will no longer be locked. The Selkies who guard it and would have taken care of the issue were caught up in the Time Dilation field, which means no one is there to realise the gate is effectively still leaking excess traces of magic into Earth's system, slowly (over the course of a few months) over loading the balance of the planet wide spell and causing it to fail section by section. (which is why different fairies are released at different times (possibly alongside other lost magical societies on Earth...))

Once the spell hits 'terminal failure' it just gives up entirely and stops trying to draw magic which means people whose cores had been drained their entire life, have suddenly got their stores of magical energy filling back up.

Now, the Sea Gate of Earth happens to be just off shore of Gardenia, which is why it feels the effects first, and why Bloom is able to feel the magic is very different there when she returns home for summer break.

Once magic is no longer being siphoned off, a lot of people are going to start realising they have magic, (Including one teenage girls who will go from 'intuitive and somewhat empathic' to 'oh shit I'm hearing the voice of a demon sealed in a book in an strange old lady's library and you know what? He seems trust worthy.') which means the fairies and magicals in charge of the various sects and societies that went under the time dilation spell have a few options:

go to war with the current ruling bodies and let hundreds, possibly thousands or millions of innocents die to take back their territories

or

start a bunch of blogs and youtube channels that show off their lives, (presented as a bunch of dedicated LARPers or something) and get people used to the idea of magic being a real thing slowly, while also giving people who are experiencing sudden magical abilities a way to recognise what's going on and an idea of who they should be looking for to help them. (slowly taking over the planet in a peaceful way by causing low key cultural change after low key cultural change until 'oh yeah, I can't believe there was a time when we forgot magic was real.')

TLDR:

Highly abridged cause and effect timeline of the Alt Con:Season 1: the Trix shunt Stella to Earth while she's teleporting so they can steal her stuff and get away with it, but fate introduces Bloom at just the right time, whose dormant Dragon Fire reacts to the presence of magic and activates in the place of Bloom's siphoned fairy magic. Bloom and Stella go to Magix where Bloom meets the Winx and becomes a fairy. The Trix steal the Dragon Flame and summon an Evil army which has a side effect of breaking the last remaining strands of a centuries old seal. Bloom awakens her fairy magic thanks to Daphne and saves the day.Season 2: The ancient seal destroyed by the Trix (by accident) releases Darkar who goes back to his attempt to gain the MacGuffin, through teamwork and grit, the day is saved and Darkar is as defeated as he gets. The Trix are sent to be imprisoned on Omega, an ice world at the edge of the Magical Dimension.Season 3/5: Icy breaks free of the ice coffin she's in before she loses too much strength and frees her sisters, while looking for a way off the planet, she discovers Valtor who was imprisoned on Omega before the Fall of Domino and should have been dead. While seriously weakened, he lives and manages to use the (why do they even have that? Oh right, it's a standard that came with the planet when it was created) sea gate to hack the sea gate system and open a portal to Andros.The Winx split the party and do various stuff, and try to combat Daphne's stalker evil wizard Valtor. When things look to be going the Winx's way, turn coat Tritannus approaches the Trix and offers to get them the power of the Infinite Ocean. While the Winx are defeating Valtor, Tritannus opens all the sea gates (including the locked Earth gate) and the Winx have to rush to stop him, which they do.Diaspro is banished from Eraklyon.Season *: The Winx enjoy normal school life at Alfea for the rest of the year, doing normal teen fairy things, Diaspro goes on a journey in the outer reaches of the Magical Dimension, magic slowly leaks into Earth through the no longer locked sea gate and breaks the archaic spell holding the fairies of Earth and the Wizards of the Black Circle out of time.Season 4: (Alfea summer break/end of year 1) the spell has broken, magic is returning to Earth, Bloom notices something amiss when she goes home for summer break and calls in back up. The group discover magic is returning and set up a shop called 'The Winx Club' to reintroduce the idea of real magic in a non-jarring way to Earth's population, using social media and material objects. Amidst the excitement of magic returning, and new fairies like local girl Roxy, the Winx hear about attacks straight out of their magical history books: fairy hunters. Doing what they can, the Winx try to find and stop the hunters, but run across various returning magical societies during their investigation and diplomacy with them. Earth's mightiest magicals team up and kick the Wizards of the Black Circle's asses.The slow reintegration of magical and non-magical Earth begins.Season 6: (Year 2 of Alfea) Former bestie of Bloom, Selena, has been hearing a voice from a book calling out to her for help, after another fight with Bloom and her 'new friends' Selena agrees to go along with her 'new friend' and attempts to free Acheron from the Legendarium

[higgs-the-god]

I don't turn submissions to blogs very often at all but I couldn't fit this whole thing into an ask lol I hope this is ok. I love Richard Siken so much and your posts about him lately just got me thinking about one of my favorite poems of his, Wishbone, and how it aligns with Higgs almost perfectly:

"Let’s not talk about it, let’s just not talk.

Not because I don’t believe it, not because I want it any different, but I’m always saving

and you’re always owing and I’m tired of asking to settle the debt.

          Don’t bother.

You never mean it anyway, not really, and it only makes me that much more ashamed.

There’s only one thing I want, don’t make me say it, just get me bandages, I’m bleeding,

          I’m not just making conversation.

There’s smashed glass glittering everywhere like stars. It’s a Western, Henry,

it’s a downright shoot-em-up. We’ve made a graveyard out of the bone white afternoon.

 It’s another wrong-man-dies scenario and we keep doing it, Henry, keep saying until we get it right…

 but we always win and we never quit, see, we’ve won again, here we are at the place

          where I get to beg for it

where I get to say Please, for just one night, will you lay down next to me, we can leave our

clothes on, we can stay all buttoned up?

          or will I say

Roll over and let me fuck you till you puke, Henry, you owe me this much, you can indulge me

this at least, can’t you? but we both know how it goes. I say I want you inside me

           and you hold my head underwater, I say  I want you inside me

and you split me open with a knife. I’m battling monsters, half-monkey, half-tarantula,

I’m pulling you out of the burning buildings and you say I’ll give you anything.

          But you never come through.

Give me bullet power. Give me power over angels. Even when you’re standing up

you look like you’re lying down, but will you let me kiss your neck, baby? Do I have to

          tie your arms down?

Do I have to stick my tongue in your mouth like the hand of a thief, like a burglary

like it’s just another petty theft? It makes me tired, Henry. Do you see what I mean?

          Do you see what I’m getting at?

You swallowing matches and suddenly I’m yelling Strike me. Strike anywhere.

I swear, I end up feeling empty, like you’ve taken something out of me, and I have to search

          my body for the scars, thinking

Did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in? I know you want me to say it, Henry,

it’s in the script, you want me to say Lie down on the bed, you’re all I ever wanted

          and worth dying for too

but I think I’d rather keep the bullet this time."

--

YES yes i love this poem. A lot of poems in Crush can easily relate to higgs. But there are a lot of good excerpts in Wishbone:

“...where I get to say Please, for just one night, will you lay down next to me, we can leave ourclothes on, we can stay all buttoned up?          or will I sayRoll over and let me fuck you till you puke, Henry, you owe me this much, you can indulge methis at least, can’t you? but we both know how it goes. I say I want you inside me           and you hold my head underwater, I say  I want you inside meand you split me open with a knife...”

“ You swallowing matches and suddenly I’m yelling Strike me. Strike anywhere. “

“ Did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in? I know you want me to say it, Henry, “

There’s no way i can be coherent enough to properly explain why I find these fit Higgs so much but *clenches fist* I love Siken’s poems

[toosicktoocare]

Prompt:  “Hey, I don’t know if you’re still taking prompts, I just discovered your blog tonight, but if you’re up for it- my birthday is on the 15th and I was wondering if you could apply your amazing talent to a prompt? If not, I totally understand, I’m a writer myself. Just know you’re amazing no matter what. The prompt is that Peter gets sick with a really high fever, and keeps having nightmares about Uncle Ben dying/rejecting him and Tony plays along to calm him down. Bonus if Thor plays a role.Thanks”

So, Uncle Ben dies in different ways based on comics and cinematic universe I believe. (One’s an in-home burglary and one’s a carjacking.) So, I’m not going to address specifics, just that he was shot and killed. 

Happy, happy Birthday @messed-up-stargazer! Sorry this is a day late! 

It’s on the car ride back when Peter’s body fully gives in to the fever he’s been running for two days, a fever that’s been relentless, the suffocating heat unwilling to fade despite the medicine he’s been downing. 

He wouldn’t have gone on the mission with Tony; in fact, Tony insisted he not go because of his being sick, but the second word got out that Tony would be doing the mission solo, Peter’s adrenaline kicked in, just long enough to mask his symptoms. 

Tony wasn’t happy when Peter showed up on the scene, but Peter helped immensely, so much that Tony thought the kid was better until Peter all but collapsed right before his car once the mission was finished. 

For the briefest of moments, Tony thought that Peter had gotten shot, but when he caught the kid, who’s knees were buckling as he reached for the car door handle, he could feel the burning heat from the fever. 

There was some cursing, but Tony managed to get Peter in the passenger seat and buckled in before he raced to the driver’s side. 

And now, Peter’s fading. The burning hands of the fever are pulling him farther away from reality. He kind of feels like he’s falling in an endless black hole-- one of those stereotypical scenes you see on TV where the person is frantically moving their hands and legs as they fall forever into a pit of darkness. 

His thoughts are becoming warped the farther he falls, and then he’s landing. There’s nothing around him, only towering dark walls, but there’s a single person standing with his back to Peter. And, Peter recognizes that silhouette, recognizes the broad, sturdy shoulders, and he jumps up. 

“Uncle Ben?”  

When Ben turns around, his white, button-down shirt is growing a deep red from a bullet wound in his abdomen, and he slowly moves one hand to it. “Peter...” 

Peter starts running to him, starts forcing his legs to push past the icy burn that clings to them, but Ben is getting farther and farther away yet always remaining just out of reach. 

“Uncle Ben!” Peter’s reaching out, desperately stretching his fingers to try and grab hold of Ben’s arm, but then the world around him is melting away, yet he’s shaking and someone’s yelling for him. 

He thinks it’s Uncle Ben, but then his surroundings start to come together and he’s in a car with someone hunched over him. It takes a good bit for his mind to supply a name to a face: Tony. 

“Mr. Stark?” He croaks out, and Tony stops shaking his shoulder, and his face falls into muted relief. 

“Hey, bud. We’re back at the tower. I’m going to have Thor carry you to med-bay, okay?” 

Thor? Thor’s here? Peter drags a slow gaze past Tony’s face to see Thor standing just outside of the car, and Peter smiles a little. “Uncle Thor,” he mutters, and then the world around him is starting to swim, to sway like waves in an ocean as he’s being carefully lifted. He can feel himself sinking in the water, can hear a strong voice telling him to “hang on,” but then he hears a loud bang. 

It’s the car door closing; he knows this, but the sound matches the sudden scene of a gun going off straight toward Uncle Ben that clouds his vision, and then Peter’s gone, lost among the tight grip of the fever once more. 

“Uncle Ben!” Peter screams, and he tries to run toward him, but something’s keeping in rooted in place. He looks down to see wires wrapped around his feet and his arms, keeping in restrained. “Uncle Ben!” 

“Peter, you could have saved me.” 

Peter’s entire body grows cold at this, and then the wires are lifting as if alive, and they are pinching his arms, over and over. He starts trying to break free, but he has to get to Uncle Ben, he has to try and save him, but someone else is yelling his name. 

“Peter, stop moving!” 

The voice is booming from the dark walls around him, and Peter ignores it. “No! I have to save him!” He’s jerking his body to free himself when one of the wires stabs his arm, and the walls around him begin to grow and morph, covering him until he’s enclosed in a silent, dark hole. 

He’s tired, his face boiling despite the ice clinging to his bones, and he lies down on his side and brings his knees in tight against his chest. Uncle Ben is suddenly beside him, but Peter doesn’t have the energy to move, to reach out to him. He can only blink slowly. 

“Peter?” 

That voice... Peter recognizes the voice, but it’s not Uncle Ben’s. He frowns. “Uncle Ben?” 

Uncle Ben looks taken aback by this, and he hesitantly reaches one hand out and cups a palm to Peter’s cheek. The palm is rough against Peter’s skin, and Peter’s just barely able to hold his eyes open to see Uncle Ben shimmering and morphing, almost as if changing into someone else. 

“Uh, yeah, kid. It’s Uncle Ben.” 

The voice sounds sad, and Peter wants to ask what’s wrong, but he loses the battle against fatigue and his eyes slip closed. 

*****

When Peter comes to, his body feels heavy. He can’t lift his head, can barely move his fingers, and forcing his eyes open is a battle within itself. It feels like he’s trying to lift to pieces of lead, but he manages to crack them open. Around him, the room is dimly lit, and he’s lying in a bed. There’s an IV sticking in his arm, and the skin around it feels slightly tender. There’s a few small bandages littering the same arm, looking as if there were a few failed attempts before the IV got in. 

“Peter?” 

Peter moves his gaze from his arm over to Tony, who’s sitting with a chair pulled up to the bed. Tony looks far too alert; his back is stick straight and stiff, and there’s hesitance coloring his tone. 

“What’s wrong... Mr. Stark?” Peter rasps out, his throat burning from the few words, and Tony’s entire body slumps forward until his forehead is resting on Peter’s hand wrapped in his own hands. 

“Mr. Stark?” 

“It’s good to see you, kid.” Tony says, and Peter frowns at this because he doesn’t understand, but he’s growing tired again.

He doesn’t want to sleep; he feels like he’s been sleeping for years, but his mind is slowly succumbing to an unconscious state that he lacks the energy to fend off. He can hear Tony saying something, but he’s already a little too far gone to catch all of the words. 

*****

The next time Peter wakes, it’s to a cool hand on his forehead. He’s slow to open his eyes, but the small action appears much easier than before. Bruce is standing over him, smiling softly as he smooths a few strands of Peter’s hair away from his forehead. 

“Hey, Peter. You with us?” 

“Yeah,” he mutters around a few weak coughs. 

“That’s good to hear,” Bruce says as he steps away and makes a few notes on a clipboard, and Tony and Thor step up to take Bruce’s place, with Tony reclaiming his seat in the chair beside Peter’s bed. 

“How are you feeling, kid?” 

“Is Cap here?” 

Tony frowns and shakes his head. 

“Then I’m feeling really shitty.” 

Tony cracks a smile at this, and he nods. “Makes sense. You’ve had a fever over 105 for a good bit.” 

Peter doesn’t need to know more for his mind to supply that that’s really dangerous, and he pulls a tired gaze to the ceiling. “Damn.” 

“Yeah, kid. It’s coming down, though.” 

Peter can tell. He feels a little more alert and alive. His body still feels heavier than normal, and he’s still a little dizzy, but he’s able to keep coherent thoughts in his head, able to string words together and keep up with conversations fairly well. 

“That’s good,” he mutters, and Tony drops a large hand over his. Peter expects a lecture because that’s usually how this goes, but Tony only whispers a quiet “please don’t ever do that again,” and Peter swallows thickly, stunned by the verbal hint of deep-rooted worry, and nods. 

“I won’t, Mr. Stark.”