#i’m sure that you got a wife out there kids and christmas but i’m unaware cause i’m right where you left me

[sealedfates]

thinking about right where you left me and i look in people’s windows

[teabookgremlin]

listening to right where you left me is such a trip bc it is both a van song and a jackieshauna song and which one it is changes by the line so i’m just laying in bed rn consumed by thoughts i am unwell

[havenwithleeknow]

Right where you left me….

lee know x reader; angst

I’m sure that you got a wife out there, kids and Christmas but I’m unaware ‘cause I’m right where you left me.

You couldn’t think of anything worst happening today; customers being asshole to you, your boss constantly screaming at your face the whole day and accidentally spilling hot coffee in your hands, that’s why there’s a prominent red burnt area in your hands right now.

But you none of these things matter, because what’s important to you right now is you’re currently sitting at your favorite restaurant with your boyfriend, lee minho. All your worries and sadness suddenly disappear when you’re with him. You can’t see yourself without him, especially in the future.

“Let’s stop this. Let’s break up” he said and at that time, his words felt like ringing into your ears and stabbing your chest. “What?” you said wanting to see if he could repeat himself. “I know you heard what I just said, don’t make me repeat myself” “no, I really can’t hear you” he sighed and took a deep breath before saying it again “let’s break up” and again, it felt like your world stopped with just three words.

“But why? Did I do something wrong? Tell me, how can I make it right?” you reached for his hand, ready to beg for him to stay. You couldn’t breathe, your world will collapse if he leaves. You felt lost right now and you will do anything to fix what’s broken. “We were okay this morning when I kissed you goodbye, so what’s going on baby? What happened? Please tell me and i’ll fix it” you didn’t notice your tears streaming down your face and you couldn’t care less about it.

He shook his head and said “it’s not working anymore, I felt like everything is forced. I don’t love you anymore and I can’t keep pretending that I still do” you thought you’re already broken until you hear this sentence that totally broke you into pieces. Everything was forced? He doesn’t love me anymore? You were so speechless so minho took the opportunity to leave you at the restaurant where you used to spend time with him, your favorite restaurant.

.

.

.

.

That’s what happened four years ago but you still find yourself sitting at the very restaurant where he broke your heart. You laughed at yourself while sipping the wine you used to drink on dates with minho. You feel like a big idiot pretending everything’s alright.

People passing by are looking at you in pity with your current state; spacing out, mascara running yet you’re laughing alone.

After minho left your shared apartment, he blocked you in every contacts possible and made it impossible for you to reach out to him. You never heard from him after he left you hanging, asking questions “what went wrong?”

Four years felt like yesterday because of how still bruised and wounded your soul is. He destroyed everything in you, he made your world crumble.

You’re miserable but for sure, he’s the opposite. He has a wife, and a kid spending christmas, thanksgiving, holloween and every holiday possible together meanwhile you’re waking up alone, lonely and couldn’t move forward no matter how much you tried.

You felt pathetic and you wanted this stupidity to end but what can you do? Maybe the only way to end this is to see him and ask for a closure, but how?

Lee Minho, the man that you love and despise at the same time. You hate him because no matter how hard you try, you still find yourself longing for him and you hope that one day, these damned feelings for him finally disappear. That’s when you know you won. Won the war against yourself, not only just against Minho.

[tayloralisonswift]

happy valentines day to friends break up friends get married strangers get born strangers get buried trends change rumors fly through new skies but i’m right where you left me matches burn after the other pages turn and stick to each other wages earned and lessons learned but i’m right where you left me help i’m still at the restaurant still sitting the corner i haunt cross legged in the dim light they say what a sad sight i swear you could hear a hair pin drop right when i felt the moment stop glass shattered on the white cloth everybody moved on i stayed there dust collecting on my pinned up hair they expected me to find somewhere some perspective but i sat and stared right where you left me you left me no choice but to stay here forever did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen time went on for everybody else she won’t know it she’s still 23 inside her fantasy how it was supposed to be did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion breakups happen every day you don’t have to lose it she’s still 23 inside her fantasy and you’re sitting in front of me at the restaurant when i was still the one you want cross legged in the dim light everything was just right i could feel the mascara run you told me that you met someone glass shattered on the white cloth everybody moved on help i’m still at the restaurant still sitting the corner i haunt cross legged in the dim light they say what a sad sight i stayed there dust collected in my pinned up hair i’m sure that you got a wife out there kids and christmas but i’m unaware ‘cause i’m right where i cause no harm mind my business if our love died young i can’t bear witness and it’s been so long but if you ever think you got it wrong i’m right where you left me you left me no choice but to stay here forever and them only

[bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky]

I’m sure that

you’ve got a wife out there,

kids and Christmas,

But I’m unaware,

Cause I’m right where

You left me

[daveyjacobss]

i won’t confess that i waited but i’m right where you left me. if you ever think you got it wrong, i let the lamp burn. you said you were gonna grow up (i’m sure you got a wife out there, kids and christmas) then you were gonna come find me (but i’m unaware). time went on for everybody else, she won’t know it. the woman who sits by the window—still sitting in the corner i haunt, cross-legged in the dim light—has turned out the light. if our love died young (the goddess of timing once found us beguiling) i can’t bear witness (i thought it was just goodbye for now). if you ever think you got it wrong, i hope you’d return. cause love’s never lost when perspective is earned (they expected me to find somewhere, some perspective, but i sat and stared). did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? forgive me peter, you left me no choice but to stay here forever.

[womanexile]

Chole or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

Your hologram stumbled into my apartment

Hands in the hair of somebody in darkness

Named Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

Medicine-“the boys and the girls are in, I mess around with them and I’m ok with it”

And I just watched it happen

As the decade would play us for fools

And you saw my bones out with somebody new

Who seemed like he would've bullied you in school

And you just watched it happen

Complicated Freak-“she got wrapped up in somebody else”

IION?-“was it over when she laid down on your couch? Was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse?”

This Love-“tossing turning, stuggled through the night with someone new”

Harry might have watched her date other people but he didn’t like it.

Happily-“you don’t understand, what you do to me when you hold his hand”

Just a Little Bit of Your Heart-“I don’t ever ask you where you’ve been and I don’t feel the need to know who your with” “I know I’m not your only but at least I’m one”

Without You (HS unreleased)-“Now you’re with him, I must admit I’m missing, The part of your skin, You always liked me kissing”

Him (HS unreleased)-“I don’t want to hear about him”

Woman-“I’m selfish, I know but I don’t ever want to see you with him” “He’s right where I should, where I should be”

Someday-“and I won’t lie, its hard seeing you with him”

If you wanna break my cold, cold heart

Just say, "I loved you the way that you were"

This could be a reference to Taylor feeling like she has to constantly reinvent herself in order to stay relevant. Him saying ‘I loved you the way that you were’ means that he didn’t need her to stay relevant, he would love anyway.

Lay Down (HS unreleased)-“‘Cause you’re wonderful”

Fool’s Gold-“and in knew that you turned it on for everyone that you met”

Make My Day (HS unreleased)-“I don’t want you perfect, Don’t want you sweet, But you make my day and make my whole week”

If you wanna tear my world apart

Just say you've always wondered

You said some things that I can't unabsorb

You turned me into an idea of sorts

This suggests that he put her up on a pedestal, so that the idea of her was better than she herself was.

Trouble-“if I could have a hundred things, not one of them could compare to you”

You needed me, but you needed drugs more

Question…?-“but you were something, it was one drink after the other”

As It Was-“why are you sitting at home on the floor? What kind of pills are you on?”

Harry has several song on his album about cocaine usage and he did admit to writing some of Fine Line on psychedelic drugs.

And I couldn't watch it happen

I changed into goddesses, villains, and fools

Changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules

Right where you left me-“Trends change, rumors fly through new skies, But l'm right where you left me”

All to outrun my desertion of you

And you just watched it

If the glint in my eye traced the depths of your sigh

Down that passage in time back to the moment

I crashed into you, like so many wrecks do

Too impaired by my youth to know what to do

She analyzes every ‘sigh’ from her partner, strolling down memory lane in search of clues that might explain his departure. Taylor questions whether she appeared ‘too much’ like previous girls (crashed into him), perhaps overly enthusiastic (too impaired by her youth)

So if I sell my apartment

And you have some kids with an internet starlet

The 1-“You meet some woman on the internet and take her home”

Right where you left me-“I’m sure that you got a wife out there, kids and Christmas but I’m unaware”

Will that make your memory fade from this scarlet maroon?

Maroon-“and I wake with your memory over me”

Like it never happened

Could it be enough to just float in your orbit?

Satellite-“I go round and round, satellite”

Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses?

Can we watch the ghosts of us with the same reverence, admiration and respect we watch wild horses? Wild horses are beautiful in their wildness, but man always want to tame them. Can we look at them without wanting them to be anything else than exactly what they are?

This Love-“your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees”

Two Ghosts-“We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me”

…Ready for It?-“but if he’s a ghost, then I can be a phantom”

Cooler in theory, but not if you force it to be

It just didn't happen

The 1-“and if you wanted me, you really should’ve showed”

So if you wanna break my cold, cold heart

Say you loved me

And if you wanna tear my world apart

Say you'll always wonder

'Cause I wonder

Will I always

Will I always wonder?

Without You (HS unreleased)-“I know we’ll move on, As time carries on, I still leave an open door”

The 1-“I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different would everything be different today?”

Cardigan-“I knew you’d haunt all of my what-if?”

Question…?-“does it ever feel like everything just like second best after that meteor strike”

Guilty As Sin?-“they don’t know how you’ve haunted me so stunningly”

Super Pretty(HS unreleased)-“I was waiting here, my love, After all these years, do you think of me, In the way I think of you?

[peachykneesjellybees]

biting my leg thinking about van “i’m sure that you’ve got a wife out there. kids and christmas’s but i’m unaware cause i’m right where- i cause no harm, mind my business. if our love died young i can’t bare witness and it’s been so long but if you ever think you’ve got it wrong i’m right where you left me. you left me no, you left me no, you left me no choice but the stay here forever” palmer

[whiskeyswifty]

I think about midnight rain vs. rwylm way too much because there’s not much tying them together other than that one verse. it came like a postcard, picture perfect, shiny family, holiday, peppermint candy. but for him it's every day -> I'm sure that you got a wife out there, kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware. I just find the contrast of her reacting to each person having moved on and found what she sees as happiness without her soooo interesting. Like in midnight rain, the entire song is about how she doesn’t regret ditching them because she wanted to chase her dream more than she ever wanted them. But to the point where she doesn’t regret giving it up at all, and right after the Christmas line in midnight rain she decides to go down a mental rabbit hole for a minute and think about the life she gave away. And then it goes back into the chorus, doubling down on how much she didn’t want that sunshine, comfortable, bride life. And in the bridge she even says sometimes I guess we all get just what we wanted. She rejects that holiday card married with a family life outright, saying it’s never been and still isn’t what she wanted. The fame is what she wanted, and she got it, and she's content with her choice. There is curiosity sure but there isn’t any longing or remorse for the MR person and not being the one they settled down with. But I’m rwylm she has a completely different reaction to that person's holiday card married with a family life. just the thought of it is devastating to her, debilitating even as she says in the next line after I'm right where i cause no harm, mind my business. She is deeply saddened to not be the one sharing kids and christmas with them so much that she can't even bring herself to witness it. she can only assume that's where the rwylm person is currently as she cant even bear witness. she's stuck at the restaurant because if she can't be the one having kids and christmas with that person, to her there is nowhere else to go. so it's just soooo funny to hear her say "who cares about that picture perfect family holiday card life, pfff!" in MR with such nonchalance only for me to go wait... didn't you JUST have a mental breakdown over the very idea of the rwylm person having that without you? like a year ago? to me it makes the rwylm situation even more devastating because it positions her as someone who typically has chosen her career/dreams/fame over what society views as an idyllic happy life. the contrast of the MR disdain for such a life under normal circumstances and exes she had no strong feelings for just makes it clearer how deeply in love with the rwylm person she was, how devastating that betrayal was, and how that love was so strong it drove her to long for something she once scorned, just to be with them. made even more crushing when you think about her lifelong obsession with christmas and what it represents to her personally. OOF! Happy holidays!

[lipslikethegardensofbabylon]

“I’m gay” “I’m straight” okay??? I'm still at the restaurant still sitting in a corner I haunt cross-legged in the dim light they say what a sad sight I swear you could hear a hair pin drop right when I felt the moment stop glass shattered on the white cloth everybody mov I stayed there dust collected on my pinned-up hair they expected me to find somewhere some perspective, but I sat and stared right where you left me you left me no, oh, you left me no you left me no choice but to stay here forever you left me, you left me no, oh, you left me no you left me no choice but to stay here forever did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? time went on for everybody else, she won't know it she's still 23 inside her fantasy how it was supposed to be did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it she's still 23 inside her fantasy and you're sitting in front of me at the restaurant, when I was still the one you want cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right I could feel the mascara run you told me that you met someone glass shattered on the white cloth everybody moved on help, I'm still at the restaurant still sitting in a corner I haunt cross-legged in the dim light they say what a sad sight I stayed there dust collected on my pinned-up hair I'm sure that you got a wife out there kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware ‘cause I'm right where I cause no harm, mind my business if our love died young, I can't bear witness and it's been so long but if you ever think you got it wrong I'm right where you left me you left me no, oh, you left me no you left me no choice but to stay here forever you left me you left me no, oh, you left me no you left me no choice but to stay here forever

[cornerihaunt]

i stayed there… dust collected on my pinned up hair… i’m sure that you got a wife out there… kids and christmas but i’m unaware… ‘cause i’m right where i cause no harm… mind my business if our love died young i can’t bear witness and it’s been so long but if you ever think you got it wrong i’m right where you… leeeeweeft me

[if-you-dont-ask-me-to-stay]

I am also doing my top lyric from each song :)

Show me the places where the others gave you scars (ms/mt)

And soon they’ll have the nerve to deck the halls that we once walked through (jc/ac)

I don’t like that falling feels like flying till the bone crush (super nice lyric)

I won’t ask you to wait if you don’t ask me to stay :’( (hence the url) (jc/gm)

What would you do if I break free and leave us in ruins, took this dagger in me and removed it? (wonderful lyric)

And his mistress moved in, sleeps in Este’s bed and everything (utter vibe)

I guess that’s the price I pay for seven years in heaven, and I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties? (yeah um. don’t mind me sobbing. *ten years. jc/gm)

Are you still the same soul I met under the bleachers? I guess I’ll never know (I do not like this song this is the best I could come up with)

Do you miss the rogue that coaxed you into paradise and left you there? (Delicious lyric, jc/ac)

He wants what’s only yours (love the whole vibe, kf/pr, jc/ac)

And the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up (I love this lyric so much it’s genius and also f[insert last name initial]/ct)

Your nemeses will defeat themselves before you get a chance to swing (again I don’t like the song that much)

Should have kept every grocery store receipt, cause every scrap of you would be taken from me (yeah um. I use the time in lss to mentally prepare for this. tears.)

Don’t treat me like some situation that needs to be handled, I’m fine with my spite and my tears and my beers and my candles (jc/gm, I do not think you are fine with your beers actually)

I retrace my footsteps on each stepping stone, trying to find the one where I went wrong, writing letters addressed to the fire (jc/gm except you can’t write)

I’m sure that you’ve got a wife out there, kids and Christmas, but I’m unaware (love this lyric its my favourite part)

He sits on a throne in his palace of bones, praying to his greed, he’s got my past frozen behind glass, but I’ve got me (ms/mt)

[taylorswiftandx]

Taylor Swift and Holidays

'Taylor Swift'

(no holidays)

'Fearless (Taylor's Version)'

(no holidays)

'Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)'

(no holidays)

'Red (Taylor's Version)'

Begin Again: But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches every single Christmas and I want to talk about that

The Moment I Knew: Christmas lights glisten, I've got my eye on the door just waiting for you to walk in

Ronan: And it's about to be Halloween, you could be anything you wanted if you were still here

'1989 (Taylor’s Version)'

(no holidays)

'reputation'

New Year's Day: I want your midnights, but I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

'Lover'

Lover: We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January

'folklore'

The Last Great American Dynasty: They picked out a home and called it Holiday House

The Last Great American Dynasty: Fifty years is a long time Holiday House sat quietly on that beach

'evermore'

'Tis The Damn Season: The holidays linger like bad perfume, you can run but only so far

Right Where You Left Me: I'm sure that you got a wife out there, kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware

'Midnights'

Midnight Rain: It came like a postcard, picture perfect shiny family, holiday peppermint candy

'The Tortured Poets Department'

I Look in People’s Windows: I attend Christmas parties from outside

Other Songs written by Taylor

Christmas Must Be Something More: What would happen if Christmas carols told a lie?

Christmas Must Be Something More: Christmas must be something more

Christmas Tree Farm: My winter nights are taken up by static, stress, and holiday shopping traffic

Christmas Tree Farm: In my heart is a Christmas tree farm where the people would come

Christmas Tree Farm: In my heart is a Christmas tree farm, there's a light in the barn

Christmas Tree Farm: Oh, baby, baby, Merry Christmas

Christmases When You Were Mine: There were Christmases when you were mine

Christmases When You Were Mine: Merry Christmas everybody, that'll have to be something I just say this year

Christmases When You Were Mine: But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight

Official Alternate Releases

(no holidays)

[thelibrarylesstrektraveled]

Nightingale Chapter Fourteen - The Reckoning

Summary: Jensen Ackles seemed to have it all. A hit television series fifteen years running, a budding music career and a stunning wife. To the casual observer, his life was perfect. But it was a façade. No more real than the supernatural world created on a soundstage.

That day on the lake had started with uncertainty, but when he pulled you from the water everything became clear. The truth was, he’d been the one drowning.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader, Jensen x Reader, Jensen x You

Characters: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Genevieve Padalecki, Misha Collins, Reader

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, Drowning, Fluff, Angst, Smut, unprotected sex

Chapter Fourteen: The Reckoning

Word Count: 6072

Author’s Notes: This is a complete work of fiction about a real life person. The circumstances are totally made up and are in no way a commentary on the fantastic Jensen Ackles or his family.

This is also a unique reader insert story as I have given the reader a physical description including hair color, eye color and body type. Hopefully you can still lose yourself in the utter fantasy where Jensen is the hero and you are ripe for rescuing!

Masterlist

Nightingale Masterlist

Jensen followed the smell of freshly brewed coffee to the kitchen. When he woke alone, he had that brief moment of panic that last night was just a dream. But there you were. Bare footed, wearing his button down from last night, humming as you iced hot cinnamon rolls. You licked white frosting from your thumb while spreading your knife with the other hand. Delightfully unaware that you were being admired from the kitchen doorway. It was a charmingly domestic scene that Jensen didn’t think he’d ever witness again.

You were lost in your own thoughts when two thick arms came around your waist. A very warm, solid, familiar form molded to you from behind. Jensen’s breath tickled your ear as he rested his chin on your shoulder.

The hot kiss he pressed to the junction of your neck and shoulder had you humming happily. “Well, good morning.”

“Very good morning.” He grinned as you turned in his grasp to face him. Your arms wound around his neck and your lips found his.

You nipped playfully at his bottom lip, “Are you hungry?”

“You offering breakfast or round two?” You swatted his backside and slid out of his grasp. “I mean, I’m down for either! Or both… hopefully both…”

You handed him a large mug of black coffee and instructed him to sit while you plated up the cinnamon rolls. You had to smile at the surprised look that crossed his face when he tasted them.

“Wow, these are actually edible.”

You narrowed your eyes over the rim of your cup, “I’m not completely inept in the kitchen.”

“I have three scorched saucepans that would disagree,” Jensen leaned over and grabbed another roll. “Seriously, these are like blue ribbon at the county fair.”

“Alright, fine… they’re Maddy’s recipe. I was living on ramen and Captain Crunch when I first moved back here so she made a bunch of stuff and filled my freezer. All I had to do was follow the instructions”

His smile faded a bit at the mention of the days right after your breakup. “I’ll have to thank her the next time I see her. Although, I think she’d rather spit in my face.”

“She wouldn’t do that. Not if the kids are with her,” You reached over to toy with his fingers, “Besides, Chrissy still likes you.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s just using me for my Nintendo.”

“Not anymore, he got one for Christmas.”

“Now I really am screwed!”

The two of you laughed softly before falling into an awkward silence. You kept the contact of his fingers in yours, hoping that he knew you weren’t angry with him. The guilt was coming off him in waves. There was so much unresolved between you. It was ignored easily enough in the night, but it loomed large in the unforgiving light of day.

“Hey.” You squeezed his fingers, prompting him to look at you, “I love you.”

He let out the breath he’d been holding, “I love you too.”

“Good.” You nodded; it was a start. “Now what?”

Jensen chuckled, “I have no idea. Go home?”

When your expression fell, he panicked. “Sweetheart, it’s your call. Whatever you want, I’ll do anything…”

You put your hand to his lips, stopping his rambling with a sad smile. He was worried. Afraid, and God did you understand that.

“I love you.” You said it again, just to make sure he never doubted it. “But Jay, we can’t go back to the way things were.”

“Because you don’t want to?”

“Because it didn’t last. You know when Clif showed you those files…”

Jensen cut you off, “I meant it when I said I don’t care about the files. Or the articles or any of it.”

“I know, and I believe you. I do, but you also kept it from me.” You hated yourself for pointing it out, but knew you had to. “You sat on those files for a week and said nothing.”

“I didn’t want to scare you. God knows, it scared me! All those names… baby, you must have been running from something. Something bad. And if you can’t remember it, how in the hell am I supposed to protect you from it?”

“You can’t.”

It was the truth, but that didn’t make it wany easier to say. “There are a million things that could happen. To me or to you. The only way we’re going to get through any of it is together.”

“You’ve been protecting me since you pulled me out of that lake. You’re a hero. You’re my hero. But I am okay now, Jensen… I’m better. I’m healed.”

He trailed a finger down your cheek, tracing where that bruise had been, “You don’t have your memories back.”

“I don’t think I ever will,” you said with a small shrug. “It’s been seven months, I’m back in my old job and apartment. If they haven’t come back by now, they likely won’t. And you’re right, I was probably running. I wish I knew why. But my face was all over the media with that TMZ story, if something was coming… wouldn’t it have showed up by now?”

“You make good points.”

“I’ve had a long time to think about it. I don’t want to pretend none of this happened. I don’t want to build a life on a faulty foundation. I want to work through it, so we can come out stronger on the other side.”

He took both of your hands in his. Your strong, skilled doctor’s hands. The hands that had soothed his brow when he was sick and held him when he was grieving. They fit with his, just as they always had.

“You want to build a life with me? Even still?”

Your eyes softened, “When I told you to stay, I didn’t mean just for the night.”

“So, you don’t want to move back in with me now. But… someday?” he asked hopefully.

“Someday. But for now, let’s date.”

“Date?”

“Yeah, you know… like normal people!” You tilted your head to the side playfully, “Unless you’re already taken.”

Jensen gave you a thoughtful look, then tugged you over to sit on his lap, “Well, there is this girl I’ve got my eye on.”

“Oh?”

“Yup. She’s this hot shot doctor with legs for days.”

You slung your arms around his neck, “Huh.”

“She’s super smart too… and funny. Eyes like Bluebonnets, maybe you’re seen her?”

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“Oh? Well, she does this swirly thing with her tongue on my….”

“Shut up,” you grinned, swallowing the rest of his words with a kiss.

Three months later an unusually warm spring came to Vancouver. Snow disappeared, trees burst with fresh leaves and the grass greened up almost overnight. The night at the Green Room was a distant memory to you now as you and Jensen resumed your relationship. There was lots of work to be done, but you were both committed to the task. In the end, you only stayed at your apartment during long stints at the hospital. But it worked to help the two of you keep a balance as you rebuilt the trust that had been damaged.

Jensen still didn’t agree with you about leaving your murky past in the past, but he did agree to let it present itself in its own time. The mystery of how your private information got leaked to the press, was another matter. It took surprisingly little digging to discover the source.

“Wait… who?”

“You remember that little red head that worked the desk down in the health club?”

You furrowed your brow in concentration, “No.”

“Do you remember the time you lost your phone in the changing room? Someone turned it in at the desk a few hours later?”

“Oh,” your eyes widened, “Oh yeah! She said it was found in the elevator.”

“Her little brother interns at TMZ, I guess he got quite the promotion for that story.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“I wish. Anyway, it was a clear privacy violation, not to mention staff policy so they let her go this morning.”

“All this from losing my phone for an afternoon,” you shook your head, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I should have believed you that night, regardless of what that article said. I knew better. It happens a lot in this industry, I should have thought of that.”

You shook your head again, this time brushing a kiss over his lips. “No more ‘I’m sorry’s’ huh? We both know where we stand now. All’s forgiven, we’re good. Right?”

“Right.”

There was power in forgiveness. Perhaps even more than love. So often love is unconscious. It exists as an outside force that we are subject to, like the wind, or gravity. It crops up out of nowhere and leaves us reeling. Forgiveness may stem from love, but it’s not a whim. It’s a choice. You and Jensen chose each other and that was a foundation you could build on.

“Doctor Baines, report to the E.R. stat. Doctor Baines, to the E.R. stat.”

You had just finished changing into your regular clothes when you heard the page over the intercom. You threw your lab coat back on over your t-shirt and ran back to the emergency room. It was a two car collision between a family of four and a drunk driver. The staff immediately shifted into triage mode as you barked orders. Emotions shut off and training took over.

It was a God awful, bloody mess.

An hour later, it was over. Ending just as you knew it would the minute you saw them. Only one survivor, the girl. Everyone else succumbed to their injuries, including the fucking drunk driver. Your staff performed like the heroes they were, you couldn’t have been more proud. You took on the task of telling the families. It was your job and if you could spare your co-workers any additional trauma, you were damn well going to.

God! The look on the grandfather’s face would haunt you forever! And he still thanked you. He fucking thanked you for saving the girl, even though his family was utterly shattered!

You managed to hold yourself with professional poise and condolences until you were down the hall. Then your stomach constricted, and you bolted into the ladies’ room just in time to lose your lunch in the first stall. You didn’t know how long you sat there, your heart thundering in your ears and your head throbbing with every beat. After a time, you heard the bathroom door open.

“You okay, kid?”

McMillan. “Aces.”

Tony leaned his hip on the counter as he looked down at you still on the tiled floor. “You did everything right.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“That girl is going to make it because of you.”

“Yeah, and when she finds out the rest of her family didn’t, I’m sure she’ll send me a fucking fruit basket.”

Tony watched you angrily launch yourself up and over to the sink to splash water on your face. “We can’t save everyone Gabs, you know that. It comes with the territory.”

“Well, the territory sucks.”

“Some days, yeah. Other days, we save lives, and those days outweigh the bad ones. Even when we fail a million times, it’s worth it for the one time we don’t.”

You scoffed, drying your face with a paper towel, “Where’d you come up with that? Pre-Med or the inside of a Snapple cap?”

He tilted his head, “From you. The day I interviewed you, hired you on the spot.”

“I wish I remembered,” you said, tossing the paper in the bin.

“I do too. I’m giving you three days leave.”

“Tony…”

“This isn’t a disciplinary action, nor a request.” He gave your shoulder a fatherly squeeze. “This is preventative mental care. I’m not going to let you spiral down again. Take a few days and take care of yourself so you can come back and kick ass.”

“Are you sure they don’t mind us dropping in on them? Maybe they want to spend some family time together.” You said, quietly looking out the window at the passing landscape.

“Gen practically begged me, Jared too. Three kids are a lot even for the two of them, and at least with you and me there we’ll outnumber the little rug rats.” Jensen reached over the adjusted the air-conditioned controls. “Besides, you and I didn’t get a chance to swim the last time we were up here.”

“That’s because it was snowing.”

“Still,” he took your hand in his and squeezed. “Still.”

You both fell silent for the rest of the car ride. You knew he was worried about you. Again. He came home to find you still up after that horrible shift. Sitting in the dark, your knees drawn up to your chest. You told him everything. How you felt like a failure for not being able to pull yourself together. You were supposed to be a professional. You’d lost patients before, but this hit you hard. And you couldn’t keep your mind from thinking about the dreams you used to have of those girls. You hadn’t had one in a very long time. Maybe you’d failed them too. Maybe that was why they were back, haunting you.

Jensen was quick to suggest a trip to the cabin. He might not be able to give you answers, but he could help with the stress. The Padaleckis were in town to spend a few days at their cabin, take advantage of the warm weather and down time before the final filming push. He wasn’t kidding about Gen; she loved the idea of having another woman around. And he loved those kids as if they were his own niece and nephews. Plus, kids are great at pulling you into the present, they certainly did when he was going through his divorce.

Gen greeted you both as you pulled up, “Hey! It’s the cavalry!”

You climbed out of the car and into a tight hug. Gen was surprisingly strong for a woman of her stature. “I don’t know about that, but we did bring graham crackers.”

“Thank God! Smores at the cabin is a Padalecki family tradition, if we don’t have all the ingredients, things get ugly.”

“The little one gets vicious,” Jensen said as he pulled your suitcases out of the trunk. “Last time I saw her, she held my gummy bears hostage until I put Harry Potter on.”

Gen wrapped an arm around you, leading you into the house, “Dot’s a master negotiator, we’re thinking future lawyer, or defense against the dark arts teacher.”

You felt off. You couldn’t really explain it, but ever since your last shift at the hospital things felt disjointed. Your perception was off, and it made you unusually clumsy. You bumped into tables, stubbed your toe, smacked your elbow on the dresser. And your head was killing you. It made you wonder if this was what you’d been experiencing the day you had your panic attack. The day that prompted McMillan to put you on leave the first time. You did your best to put it out of your mind. So, you changed into your swimsuit, took a couple of aspirin, and headed out to meet everyone by the pool.

Jensen was already in the water, playing Marco Polo with the kids while Jared was climbing out of the deep end to towel off. Gen was walking towards the grill with a plater of burgers and kabobs. It was a classic summer scene. Bright sunlight, blue skies reflected in the shimmering pool water. Peals of children’s laughter mixed with splashes of water and music coming from the sound system. It was fun, joyful, and familiar.

You didn’t realize Jared had come up beside you until his hand was on your shoulder, “Y/N? You, okay?”

You blinked dumbly up at him. His long hair slicked back with pool water; brows raised with concern.

“You wore those trunks that day on the lake.”

His eyes widened. He’d never seen you when one of your memories surfaced. You went a bit pale, and he panicked, ushering you to a lounge chair. “Here, sit… sit. Jensen!”

“I’m alright,” you insisted, shutting your eyes as you sat down. With a bit of focus, you got the full image to click in your mind.

When you opened your eyes, you found both men kneeling in front of you. Gen was wrangling the kids by the poolside. Your head felt light for a moment and then cleared.

Jensen was rubbing his thumb gently at your temple, “Hey, there she is.”

“That boat was too big for you.” You voice sounded far away and detached to your ears.

“Boat?” asked Jared.

“The sailboat,” you clarified, your voice getting stronger. “The one you had that day on the lake. A rig that size is too big for two people to handle.”

“You remember the day at the lake?” Jensen smiled; it was always so exciting when you got a piece of the forgotten back.

“A little.” You looked up at Jared with a shrug, “You wore those same swim trunks on the boat.”

Jensen smirked, “Yeah, he thinks they’re lucky. What else do you remember?”

“You. Blue trunks and sunglasses.” You brough a hand to your forehead. “It was a really nice day.”

“Headache?” He guessed. When you nodded, he patted your knee. “Maybe no swimming today, huh?”

You resigned yourself to Jensen’s sound judgement. Gen joined for you for a while with a stack of fashion magazines and a pitcher of lemonade. You soaked up the sun while the boys occupied the kids and took turns pretending to be sea monsters and mermaids respectively. It was a lovely afternoon, and you did your best to relax. Despite your best efforts, tension coiled in the pit of your stomach. Nothing you did seemed to shake it.

“Is it usually like this when she gets a memory back?” Jared asked as pulled a beer out of the fridge.

“Yeah, for the most part,” Jensen glanced out the window at you stretching in the lounger. “The headaches are a bitch, though. Sleep usually helps.”

“Its gotta be frustrating, trying so hard to remember something and getting nothing, then it hits you when you aren’t expecting it.”

“And then she only gets a picture of you in your ugly ass lucky shorts.”

“These shorts are lucky; I was wearing them that time I found your missing car keys?” Jared handed Jensen a beer, “And your girlfriend.”

Jensen clinked his bottle against Jared’s, “Those shorts aren’t just lucky, they’re divine.”

Gen had asked you to watch the kids while she went inside to change and grab some fresh towels. They had abandoned the water for a snack break in the cabana. Shep and Odette chattered and bickered away while Tom flipped on the television. They really were adorable kids. Each of them perfect little versions of their parents.

Odette called you over, her little voice insistent, “Y/N! Come look at the pretty lady!”

You tied your sarong around your hips and crossed the patio to the swatch of grass where the striped awning was set up. “Pretty lady?”

Tom pointed excitedly at the t.v. “Dottie’s right! She looks just like you!”

Your eyes locked onto the screen, and you felt the air leave your lungs. Your own face stared back at you, and something unlocked deep within your mind. Everything flooded back to you in an instant, but you had no time to ponder it. The force of it left you reeling, your vison swam, and you had the vague sensation of falling just before everything went dark.

Jared frowned when he heard yelling from outside. His eyes went wide as he glanced out the kitchen window, “Oh shit!”

Jensen was right behind him, sprinting across the deck towards the screaming children. You were collapsed in the grass, and he had a sick feeling just like the day he pulled you from the water. He dropped to his knees beside you, gingerly turning you over.

“No, no, no, no… Y/N?! Baby?!”

You were deathly pale and your features scrunched up with a groan. You didn’t open your eyes, but it was still the sweetest sound Jensen had ever heard. “Sweetheart?”

Jared had a wailing Odette in his arms while his boys were both talking at once, trying to explain what had happened.

Jensen tapped your cheeks gently with the back of his fingers, “Come on Y/N, open those baby blues for me.”

“No,” you managed to moan, the world felt like it was spinning on an unsteady axis. Your stomach lurched and your head pounded like you’d been on a three-day bender.

“Sure, you can, come on.”

Gen was there just over Jensen’s shoulder, “What happened? Do we need to call an ambulance?”

“Dizzy,” you groaned, turning your head away. “Dizzy.”

Jensen frowned as he ran a hand over your forehead and found it clammy. “Okay, okay. Let’s go inside. Get out of the sun, huh?”

He scooped up your limp body, shushing you when you whimpered softly, “Shh, I’ve got you, I’m right here.”

Your head lolled aimlessly against his shoulder as he hurried into the house with you, while Gen rushed ahead to help with the door.

Jared knelt down to talk to his sons. Odette still clung to him; her little arms and legs wrapped tight around him. The boys had mostly calmed down, at least enough to get some answers.

“Okay guys, what happened? Were you rough housing, huh? Throwing the ball around?”

“No Dad! We were just watching t.v.” Shep said, his face still red from crying.

“Its okay if you were, no one’s in trouble. We just need to know so we can help Y/N.” He looked to his oldest, “Tom?”

Tom lifted his head to shake his shaggy hair out of his eyes, “I don’t know what happened. We were watching t.v., like Shep said. But then this lady came on and looked like Y/N. And when we showed her, she got real quiet and just fell. I don’t know why! Is she going to be okay?”

“Look, Daddy!” Odette pointed at the television. “Look! It’s the pretty lady!”

Jared turned to the t.v. and his mouth hung open. “What the hell?”

Jensen quietly closed the door to the guest room. He stayed with you until you settled into an uneasy sleep. You never opened your eyes again, but you mumbled plenty. Mostly nonsense, but he did catch one key phrase.

“Remember… I remember…”

He shoved down his own instinct to press for answers and instructed you to rest, knowing it was for the best. He was still lost in his own thoughts when he found Jared in the kitchen. He was in front of his laptop while Gen was ushering the kids down the hall to wash the chlorine out of their hair.

Jared’s head popped up, “Hey, how she doing?”

“She’s okay, sleeping it off.” Jensen blew out a breath as he plopped down on a barstool at the counter. “I should have brough her in earlier. Being dizzy before with the heat made a bad combination.”

“I don’t think it was just the heat.” Jared turned the laptop around, so the screen was visible. “Take a look at this.”

Y/N West came from humble beginnings. In the small farming community of Monroe, Iowa, she was a straight-A student. Captain of the swim team, and even tutored SAT prep courses during the summer. So, how did this All-American girl get drawn into the murky world of drug trafficking?

“This is unreal…” Jensen murmured, shaking his head in disbelief.

Jared gave him a sympathetic look, “I know, but it does explain the aliases and job changes. And then there’s this…”

He clicked on another link and opened a video clip. A young woman who could be your double was being interviewed. The clip was recent, maybe a month old. Her name appeared in the description, Francesca West-Robinson.

“Mrs. Robinson, what is your response to the recent photos of the woman dating the actor Jensen Ackles?”

“I think she’s my sister.”

“Your sister who was killed in a car crash seven years ago?” The reporter pressed.

Francesca raised her chin a notch, a movement that mimicked you. “It was her car in that crash, but the remains were difficult to identify.”

“Are you saying she faked her own death? To escape being persecuted for her crimes?”

“I’m saying my sister is alive. I’ve never doubted it, and now these pictures prove it. As for her alleged crimes, she would never, never deal drugs. Nor would she ever be a willing party to that sort of activity. Not ever.”

The blue eyes that mirrored yours went glassy with emotion. “My sister has a family who loves her and misses her. If you know her, if you’ve seen her… if you know anything, please. Just send her home.”

You didn’t sleep long and when you woke, you were whole again. Clear headed. Every missing piece was now back in place. You had your memory back in vivid detail. Now, would come the reckoning.

You changed into fresh clothes and paused to check your reflection in the mirror over the dresser. You could see yourself fully now. The hints of your childhood in the tiny, almost translucent scar in your hairline, in the remarkable eyes that came to you from your mother’s side. The shape of your cheekbones resembled your paternal grandmother, the one you were named for. You recalled the day you chopped off your long hair and headed to college in the big city, desperate to live up to the scholarship you worked so hard for.

All of it melded with the woman you’d become in recent months. In many ways, you weren’t so very different from who you’d always been. Certainly, the same protective instincts that motivated you then guided you still.

With a sigh, you opened the bedroom door and walked down the hallway, you paused just short of the kitchen. Your sister’s voice echoed from the small speakers, and you put a hand to your stomach to still the nerves fluttering there. It had been so long since you’d heard it and you were immediately aching for home.

Jensen and Jared were at the breakfast bar, huddled together, watching the laptop.

Your friends.

These were your friends. They were such good men! They took care of you and stood by you through so much. They opened their homes and their lives to you; they deserved an explanation at the very least.

“You must have questions.”

Their heads whipped up at your soft statement and Jensen came to your side. Ever the hero, his chief concern was for you.

“Hey, Sweetheart… are you alright?”

There was a subtle shift in your gaze, the underlying uncertainty had lifted. You looked confident in a way you never had before. It felt as if he were meeting you for the first time. A part of him felt oddly intimidated.

“I’m better.”

“You’ve got your memory back?”

“The good, the bad, and the ugly.” The corner of your mouth quirked. “Ask me anything.”

When Jensen hesitated, Jared jumped in. “Are you actually a doctor?”

“According to Harvard Medical, I am.”

“So, your name, your real name, is Doctor Y/N West?” Jared asked.

“Yeah.” Your smile was bittersweet, “God, that’s nice to hear. I haven’t been her in a very long time.”

“Because you faked your own death?” Jensen choked out. He ran a hand through his hair as he turned away, “Christ, I can’t believe I just said that.”

“Try living it.” You paused and titled your head thoughtfully, “Is that the right terminology, given the subject?”

Jensen spun around, warning flashing in his eyes.

“Sorry. Gallows humor.” You snapped your fingers, “Ha! Now see, that’s the right terminology!”

“You think this is funny?”

“I think its utterly absurd, but here we are. And I am sorry. I’m so sorry, this whole mess is my fault and now its spilled over into your life.”

“A mess,” Jensen echoed. “That’s one way to describe dealing drugs.”

You were incredulous but only for a moment before righteous indignation took over. “Doctor Y/N West, the drug dealer. Un-fucking-believable. You know, this is what happens when you don’t properly tend to your reputation. I thought that when I died, I would just die. Rest in peace, but no! I live on in misinformed episodes of Dateline.”

When you realized that both men were staring at you in confusion, you took a deep breath and started again.

“I am not a drug dealer, I’m an informant. I’m in witness protection.” The article was still pulled up on the laptop and a picture of your sister stared back at you. A ghost of your past come to hold you to the mark. You reached over and gently closed the screen.

“His name was Colin Garrett. He was the doctor in charge of the residency program at New York Presbyterian Hospital. It’s a super competitive program, when I got in it was like winning the lottery! I couldn’t believe it… and Colin was fantastic. I adored him.”

“You had a relationship with him?” Jensen asked.

“For nearly a year,” It still turned your stomach to think of what your poor judgement had cost you. “I thought he was everything I ever wanted. He was such a talent. Charming and funny, and he just seemed to know everything. He was so worldly. Older than me by quite a bit, but it didn’t seem to matter. Everything went so smoothly when he was around. First time I didn’t have to worry about everything. Hell, even Frankie liked him.”

“Frankie?” Jared repeated.

“Frankie is my sister, Francesca. Our parents were killed in a car accident when we were kids. We were in the back seat… she almost didn’t make it. It’s why I became a doctor. I wanted to do something to pay it forward. Make a difference like they did.”

“I think you succeeded there,” Jensen said, the soft light of admiration in his eyes.

“On good days, I get close. Anyway, I was with Colin for little over a year and everything was great. We didn’t really see each other much, but that was nothing new. I was up to my eyeballs finishing up my final year of med school and Colin traveled a lot for work.”

Jensen was confused, “Why would a doctor travel for work?”

“He was promoted to the board of directors.” You rolled your eyes at how naïve you’d been. “Don’t ask me how he managed it. It was classic Colin, he always seemed to magically have the right connections, it was just effortless. When he was promoted, he ended up doing mostly fundraising work. So, the hospital would send him everywhere to charm money out of millionaires. I didn’t figure it out until much later, but that was how he was able to run things for so long.”

“The drug ring was his,” Jared said quietly, “And you were testifying against him.”

“He was a middleman,” you explained. “Cog in a machine. Opioids is big business and Colin was the guy who tip off the mob on when and where shipments were being delivered. Since he was in contact with so many other hospitals with his new position, it was next to impossible to track him. Their operation was nationwide.”

“The mob,” Jensen repeated. “Where the hell is the FBI in all of this? If you are in witness protection, why haven’t they been looking for you? Where the hell have they been for the past nine months?”

“Its not like it is in the movies. The FBI is interested in mob activities only up to a point.” You shook your head as the image of the last time you saw Colin came to mind.

“Colin was out of town when the FBI raided our apartment. They arrested me on the spot, said they had enough to charge me as an accomplice. It was all part of their intimidation tactics which they didn’t need because once they told me what he’d been up to, I was happy to cooperate. I was working with them on setting up a sting when Colin turned up dead in the Hudson. Twenty-four hours later I was in Canada with a new identity.”

You hadn’t thought of that day in a long time. The day you died. It was as surreal now as it was then. You knew your little sister would never accept your death. The two of you had been close, you only had each other after your parents died. It killed you to think of her mourning you, but you still held out hope that one day you’d make it back to her. Make it up to her.

“Without Colin, the drug ring seemed to dry up. Everything just got quiet. They moved me around less and less, then just stopped all together. Its like every other type of job, I guess. The FBI agents want to do work that gets them noticed and gives them a leg up.”

“So, this case isn’t flashy enough for them?” Jared shook his head.

“If everything is back to normal, why not go back to your old life?” asked Jensen.

“I couldn’t risk it. That car crash Frankie was talking about… That was her. Not me. We look a lot alike; her car was in the shop, so she borrowed mine. Someone cut the brake line. She got pretty banged up but survived. The FBI saw it as an opportunity, said they couldn’t have planned it better.”

Your phone suddenly buzzed in your pocket. Pulling it out, you read the brief message. “My contact. They’ll be here in an hour.”

“You’re leaving.” Jensen breathed.

You couldn’t stop the tears from filling your eyes. You felt like you were leaving your little sister all over again. The second family you’d built around yourself was about to be blown apart and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

“Where will they send you?” asked Jared.

“Who knows… Timbuktu? Given the spectacular job I did blowing my own cover, I doubt it will even have running water let alone internet.”

“No.”

“Jensen…”

“No,” he repeated, his voice gruff. “I’m not losing you. Not again.”

“You say that as if you have a choice. I’m sorry,” you said as tears spilled over your lashes. “But you don’t. And neither do I.”

“There is always a choice! You’re not alone in this, Y/N…. stay.” Jensen didn’t care that he was begging. He would get down on his damn knees if he had to, be it in front of the FBI or God himself. He wasn’t going to let you go without a fight.

“Sweetheart, stay. I can protect you; I’ll hire the best damned security money can buy! I’ll keep you safe.”

You tilted you head sadly, if only it were that easy. God, how you wanted it to be!

“What about your family?” You asked softly. “Your sister’s pregnant again, right? How about your parents? Jared and Gen? Their kids? Your co-workers. Maddy and the twins. Its everyone, Jensen. Everyone who knows me or is connected to me in any way is a target!”

Hearing you list off the names of people he loved was meant to sway him, instead it steeled his resolve. He grasped your shoulders, “The only way you’re walking out that door, is with me by your side.”

You let out a broken sigh as he swiped the tears away and crooked a finger under your chin. “Jay, these people are killers.”

“I know. But living the rest of my life without you would kill me all the same, just slower. So you and I are going to mee the FBI together to see what the options are. Because a decision this big should at least be an informed one.”

You finally nodded in agreement, and he pulled you into his arms, holding you tight. Jared’s worried gaze met his for a moment before he turned and went down the hall to his wife and children. Jensen wasn’t the only one with people to protect.

[imhereonthekitchenfloor]

Also on the topic of midnight rain the right where you left me parallels between “It came like a postcard, Picture perfect, shiny family Holiday, peppermint candy, But for him it's every day” and rwylm with “I’m sure that you’ve got a wife out there, Kids and Christmas but I’m unaware” like it just makes me think of that picture perfect family on the Christmas card but you never know who or what affected them in their lives previously. Many thoughts to be had

@taylorswiftdebut has more on this theory. Please take this away because I am Thinking

[stumbleonhometomycats]

HELP! I’M STILL AT THE RESTAURANT STILL SITTING IN A CORNER I HAUNT CROSS-LEGGED IN THE DIM LIGHT THEY SAY “WHAT A SAD SIGHT” I-I-I STAYED THERE DUST COLLECTED ON MY PINNED-UP HAIR I’M SURE THAT YOU GOT A WIFE OUT THERE KIDS AND CHRISTMAS BUT I’M UNAWARE CAUSE I’M RIGHT WHERE—I CAUSE NO HARM MIND MY BUSINESS IF OUR LOVE DIED YOUNG I CAN’T BEAR WITNESS AND IT’S BEEN SO LONG BUT IF YOU EVER THINK I GOT IT WRONG..I’M RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT ME