#editing to add the reasons on ok these aren’t meant to make sense

[if-you-dont-ask-me-to-stay]

I am also doing my top lyric from each song :)

Show me the places where the others gave you scars (ms/mt)

And soon they’ll have the nerve to deck the halls that we once walked through (jc/ac)

I don’t like that falling feels like flying till the bone crush (super nice lyric)

I won’t ask you to wait if you don’t ask me to stay :’( (hence the url) (jc/gm)

What would you do if I break free and leave us in ruins, took this dagger in me and removed it? (wonderful lyric)

And his mistress moved in, sleeps in Este’s bed and everything (utter vibe)

I guess that’s the price I pay for seven years in heaven, and I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties? (yeah um. don’t mind me sobbing. *ten years. jc/gm)

Are you still the same soul I met under the bleachers? I guess I’ll never know (I do not like this song this is the best I could come up with)

Do you miss the rogue that coaxed you into paradise and left you there? (Delicious lyric, jc/ac)

He wants what’s only yours (love the whole vibe, kf/pr, jc/ac)

And the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up (I love this lyric so much it’s genius and also f[insert last name initial]/ct)

Your nemeses will defeat themselves before you get a chance to swing (again I don’t like the song that much)

Should have kept every grocery store receipt, cause every scrap of you would be taken from me (yeah um. I use the time in lss to mentally prepare for this. tears.)

Don’t treat me like some situation that needs to be handled, I’m fine with my spite and my tears and my beers and my candles (jc/gm, I do not think you are fine with your beers actually)

I retrace my footsteps on each stepping stone, trying to find the one where I went wrong, writing letters addressed to the fire (jc/gm except you can’t write)

I’m sure that you’ve got a wife out there, kids and Christmas, but I’m unaware (love this lyric its my favourite part)

He sits on a throne in his palace of bones, praying to his greed, he’s got my past frozen behind glass, but I’ve got me (ms/mt)

[energyanon]

Henry Reading Part II

As always, I wrote this in real time, and edited punctuation after. I’ve italicised all of the “placements” names so hopefully it makes more sense for you guys to know what placement i’m talking about. Also keep in mind everytime i move to a next placement its because the energy has said all it needs to with the last person. And also note everytime that anything in the field moves, I have to check in with everything else cause movement means change in the dynamic, and so it’s always good to check in to see what the placements think about that. Guys... it’s a long one but... Im cautiously hopeful at the moment omg. 

Placing HC, body, image/status and fans.

HC, body and I/S are standing beside each other in a line. Body was close to HC, then I/S wanted to be on top of him, for energetic reasons I put image next to him instead, wedged between him and body.

Immediately HC just wanted to sit down and relax but felt claustrophobic with everything so close to him. A little anxious, very hot, and off kilter. He wanted to move away from the other two, so I moved him. He’s now in the furthest part of the field, but he is SMOKING hot like I’m BOILING.

Image/status also is feeling a bit off kilter, it keeps swaying one way to the next but heavily leaning towards Body now. Like as if it’s entire gravity is based off of “body”s orbit.

When Image/Status looks at Henry it doesn’t even seem to recognise him. Kind of like a “what are you doing here” and it’s heavily leaning towards body, it has no regard for HC as a human whatsoever.

Body is also a little off kilter but feels like it can’t move or feel anything, and it’s only swaying to each side slightly. There’s a lot of pressure in the throat/lungs. But otherwise body is numb. It doesn’t feel like a living organism it feels like a statue.

Body will not look anywhere besides in front of it and down.

You know what it feels like, it feels like Body is standing in those lines in the military where a captain is walking down and assessing every person there and you have to stand still and silent and wait for this person to assess you and then leave. It’s a very obedient feeling like “I have to stay here and do what I’m told”

It doesn’t feel like it has any freedom whatsoever.

So I’m gonna add Body IMAGE, instead of just Body and see how they interact.

Oh I just remembered I have placed fans but literally none of them are paying any attention to it. So we move on.

Body image is directly in front of Henry. If it could be apart of him it would, but it’s standing in front of him, noses touching.

It feels like a mother (yikes)

It’s telling him he’s not good enough

Hands on hips, it’s very stern.

100% a mother energy. Not a MOTHERLY energy it feels like a stocky woman shorter, has authority over him and he respects it.

I know that sounds like DG, but this is just the “energy” I’m feeling so it could be actual mother or another woman in his life that has this kind of energy. It could also be that females are a heavy influence on his life.

Body Image is Disappointed “you can do better”. it’s looking him straight in the eyes. It’s not happy with him at all, it doesn’t seem to have any compassion for him, it almost feels disgusted, like it shouldn’t have to be wasting it’s time but it is. It also feels like a bit of a bully like if he wants to move it moves with him going “where are you going huh. You stay right here you can’t walk away from me”

Henry

Surprisingly, he isn’t crippled by body image being there it’s more like it’s a nuisance.

Body Image to him feels very military once again, “this is my superior, I have to listen I have to do what it wants, but I’m tired of listening to it. But I’m just gonna stand here and shut up and be as invisible as possible until it does.” Feels very “sir yes sir” to him.

He feels very stuck here but he WANTS to move (that’s great news) he just feels like he can’t while body image is in the way and he’s not gonna try until it’s gone.

When he looks at BODY he’s looking at it forlorn. Like he wants to be United with body, but body is listening to whatever it’s being commanded by and so is he, so neither of them can move.

I got him to look at fans cause I wasn’t feeling anything for them. When he looks at fans he gets instant anxiety but also doesn’t believe he has the time to deal with that right now and he just wants to look over at Body. Anxiety leaves as soon as he stops looking at fans.

There’s a sadness when he looks at Body, almost like he misses a lover. He wants it back. He wants to hug it and tell it that it’s ok, he wants to comfort it. He feels like Body is in a worse place than he is. He thinks Body is struggling. When he looks at status/image he actually has 0 concern he’s just worried about Body.

I moved to fans. Fans feels nothing for the field. Makes sense cause it seems like no one is paying attention to it. I’m taking that to mean that fans doesn’t need to be here. It’s not the issue being dealt with. I’m taking fans out.

Taking note that HC doesn’t seem as unbelievably depressed as he was in the last one but we also have a different set up. But still interesting.

Body:

Body still an absolute statue will not look anywhere but ahead

Status/Image The only movement status wants is to be CLOSER to Body so that they are almost one. I’ve got status/image behind Body, but hugging it from behind. Not in a loving way but it feels connected it feels like that’s where it’s meant to be

Body:

Body immediately feels hot with S/I there behind it. It’s falling back a little but eyes still ahead. Still a statue. Feels… almost comfort with S/I there but it’s not comfort it’s like.. it feels… more stable.. like body doesn’t WANT it there but it’s not going to move and if S/I moved it would almost feel like a loss. It wouldn’t know what to do with itself.

Henry

Now that S/I has moved behind body and is hugging it, HC is panicked, still not moving, still blocked by body image but he’s looking at S/I now, S/I has his full attention.

His first thought was “no please don’t move there” and now he’s just staring at S/I knowing he can do nothing

Ok INTERESTING. He felt the need to draw his attention back to Body and get its attention by YELLING (almost like there’s a chasm between them but they’re actually really close in this constellation) he’s yelling “know your worth” and just that over and over again.

(Which frankly, I’m impressed by).

But Body isn’t listening to him so he just keeps yelling almost desperately? Body image is trying to get his attention but he won’t give it to it.

Body image:

Is annoyed, wants to grab his face and get HC’s eyes back on it. “I own you.”

It’s doing everything it can to get HC to pay attention when his eyes aren’t on it it wants to get abusive.

Like real abusive. Beating him to the ground.

I’ve followed the movement, and HC is on the ground.

It’s crouched over HC now and it’s just belittling him, it’s hammering into him. “Disgusting Pig”. “No one will ever love you what worth do you have.” It’s just laying it on him it’s not kind in anyway, it’s so horrible.

Henry:

Ok this is interesting cause I go back to Henry and I assumed he would be absolutely hurt by this but he’s not.

The feeling is that of an abused kid whose just had enough but can’t leave their parents just yet. like it hurts him emotionally but it’s more of a wince, he’s used to it, and he’s numb to the rest of it. He’s saying to Body image “let me go. Please.” “Please leave me alone you’ve made your point”

There again is almost that feeling of crying but it’s just the base of the emotion it’s not enough to get watery eyes.

Oh. That would make sense.

The good news is that HC doesn’t feel absolutely crippled by this.. he just feels like he’s stuck in an abusive relationship and he knows that he’s stronger than it, and whenever it says he’s disgusting he knows that he’s not. He keeps reiterating that to himself and saying that to body image, but it’s conflicting because he’s also too tired to get up and leave and fully believe it. It’s like eventually the abuse from Body Image wears him down and he knows even if he gets up and fights back it’s just gonna be there the next day wearing him down again.

Ah.

That energy has passed now, he’s sitting back up. He’s still blocked by Body image which is now sitting in front of him, still so close its touching. But Henry is breathing heavy as if he was just in a fight. And this feeling is similar to the last reading, the absolute hopelessness not knowing what to do, deep sighs feeling lost. Disassociating. Just.. over it.

Body:

Ok now body is looking at Henry and it feels so sad over what just transpired and it wants to comfort him but it doesn’t want to piss off body image.

It’s now looking forlorn at HC. And Body finally wants to move away from status/image.

I moved it to where it wanted to be - the edge of the field. And it’s turned around facing status/image and it’s defiant. “You don’t own me”

Body isn’t angry, it’s just defiant and protective. If S/I takes one more step body will bark at it like a ferocious dog. That’s the feeling.

Body is staring S/I down.

Status/Image

S/I didn’t feel anything about Body doing that it just went “ok. I’ll move myself somewhere else then” with a bitchy little smirk.

And placed itself in front of Body image and in between it and HC.

And now status is sitting too. All three of them. Sitting.

Status/image feels like it’s good friends with Body Image.

Henry: With that move, Henry now feels like he’s behind a wall.

A giant Ass brick wall and he can’t see anything beyond it.

Another deep sigh. He’s sick of it.

He’s so tired.

Body Image: Body image feels like S/I is almost like a daughter to it. It’s much younger but it likes status/image there.. in a really mean way, like it keeps looking at HC like 😏 see? How are you going to escape us. And wants to pat S/I’s head.

Body:

Body can’t seem to notice anything around it it’s almost like everything has vanished now because the other three are behind a brick wall and that wall is absolutely invisible to body. Body is just looking around like “well fuck.”

It feels like it has nothing to do now.

(Controversial……. I’m going to place HC’s younger self..)

Younger Self HC

HC’s younger self has placed himself in front of body but further away, he’s shaking and anxious looking at Body. Body feels like it is looming and intimidating but little HC still wants to be friends but not sure how. He’s holding himself like a shy little boy. Head is kind of ducked. And he can’t quite look at Body in the eye. Body needs to make the first move

Body: Body very hesitantly made the first move and knelt in front of little HC. It was kind to him but in a pitying kind of way. It said “hello little one”

And just knelt there. Little HC gave body a hug, and body couldn’t reciprocate its the feeling of when an adult has something devastating and sad to tell the child but hasn’t told him just yet.

Little Henry

Hesitantly hugging Body. Very awkward it’s taking a while to get used to being this close to body.

But when he does get used to it, body feels very warm, very motherly. It feels like a motherly hug.

Still even then the crying feeling is BASE level, not getting watery eyes or anything.

(I need to find where the basis of where this lack of crying is or it’s going to drive me insane.)

I’m leaving it there, as HC has accepted where he is atm, even if it’s behind a wall, he has the same feelings as he did in the last reading, I can’t get those to go away without a constellation, but I felt like there was movement with young HC and body bonding and having a little cuddle.

That’s some healing movement right there 

OOO actually let me check how HC feels about young him and body making a nice little movement like that.

Henry:

OH!!!!!?

Ok the brick wall feels like glass now, he can see through it. But he’s got a little smile on his face seeing little him and body having a hug.

He feels like he may be stuck here but at least that happened?

He feels a lot more hopeful and alive than he did the last time I checked on him in this reading.

Awake too.

He doesn’t feel like the two in front of him are even blocking him anymore. Like they are but he feels like he could sneak away..

but he just doesn’t want to just yet he’s too tired he can’t be bothered, but he’s feeling MUCH better now.

He feels hopeful

And that makes him happy.  And that’s finally where I will end it.

Guys OMG. POSITIVE MOVEMENT!!!! WE GOT IT!!  Note: Ok, I didn’t move tiny henry. tiny henry moved HIMSELF. That’s HC’s little inner self making MOVEMENT. I didn’t facilitate that, that was where the energy wanted to go all on it’s own. 

Which is PHENOMENAL AND WONDERFUL NEWS?!?!? Also I have left little HC and Body hugging for the moment cause I feel like that needs to fully integrate.  Small movements but HUGE. 

[rickriordanfandam]

opinions on riordanverse ; my edition

a lot of people have been doing this so i decided why not right. probably gna lose some followers or smth but anyways. pls respect my opinions! if u disagree, thats fine, but please be polite. unless any of my opinions strikes u as morally wrong then pls point it out to me respectfully. thanks!

- i actually liked drew. im so sorry to everyone who hates her but full offence, why. think about it this way ok, first of all drew became hc because silena died. silena was the traitor, the one who betrayed chb, yet after she died campers celebrated her as a hero? and then drew suddenly has to replace her and live up to idk that legacy she left behind,, when all of a sudden this girl named piper swoops in and takes her place. idk abt u but i wld be salty abt that too. not only that, but as an asian, the chances of drew having faced racism/bullying as a child is pretty high (she studies at brooklyn academy). which means that when she finds out shes a demigod, and arrives at chb where most of the campers are white (this is an assumption btw), she’d obviously be scared of being bullied for her skin color right?? so the first thing she wld do before the campers get to bully her is to bully them before they can do so. (sentence structure here is wack i apologize) ofc this might not even have happened, drew could have had a perfect childhood && was a b1tch for no reason, BUT EVEN THEN HER ROLE AS A BULLY WAS PRETTY VITAL BECAUSE THAT FURTHER SHOWED THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HER AND PIPER,, HIGHLIGHTING PIPER AS A HERO//GOOD CHARACTER,, AND THEREFORE MAKING READERS LIKE PIPER MORE. anyway stop hating on drew please. ALSO WHY IS THIS SO LONGA SDFJHG

- jason isnt bland, the fandom just kinda erased his backstory (thanks to @pjohoo-memes for the phrasing lol)

- reynabeth wouldnt have lasted/would have broken up several times. idk i just see them as two extremely powerful characters who have firm opinions and will definitely clash at some point. in a platonic relationship,, i can see them as really good friends but as lovers? idk i just think theyll break up

- PIPABETH

- i dont really like jercy,, i see them as better friends than lovers. also idt jason and percy were that close..?

- the dam and not my type jokes are srsly cringey and were never funny. ik that seems hypocritical since my username literally makes use of the dam joke but honestly i dont actually like the joke. its not funny to me and has never been funny

- the seven were not best friends. they definitely argued,, and honestly probably werent as close as the fandom makes them seem. like ure dumped with 6 other people, out of which u only know a few. my introverted ass would have jumped off the argo 2 quicker than leo valdez could bomb camp jupiter up. also leo was a dick to frank. so what if frank is bigger sized?? thats not a valid reason to tease him

- the fandom needs to stop hating on octavian while worshipping luke. if u hate luke and u say u hate octavian too, then okay. but if u tell me ure a luke stan but u despise octavian?? imma disagree w u. luke was worse than octavian im sorry. first of all, octavian being a dick was kinda justified. hes been after the praetor position for so long, and everyone keeps saying to “wait for jason” when suddenly this dude, whos a son of NEPTUNE (neptune wasnt liked much by romans), and the camp decides to make him praetor?? dude i would be pissed off big time. and then afterwards, he finds out that greek demigods are real and the dude they made praetor is greek. AND THEN GREEK DEMIGODS COME TO CJ AND ONE OF THEM BOMB IT UP?? octavian has been told all his life that greeks are scum and this dude called leo valdez attacks cj. sure it was an accident, but did octavian know that? no. so it was honestly justified that he was such a salty prick im just saying. also some of yall be hating on octavian for cutting a teddy bear open and thats the funniest shit ive ever heard i swear 

- luke didnt go to elysium

- travis and connor stoll r way too underrated. the two have been head counselors of the hermes cabin since luke was revealed as a traitor, can u imagine the stress? luke, the person they probably looked up to as a brother, betrayed them. and they didnt even have time to process this when they were  thrown the roles of being hcs. that would have been so stressful and i would probably have broken down if i were them. the stoll brothers taking turns to wake up at ungodly hours because a new camper is crying and homesick and terrified, the stoll brothers having to comfort and take care of new campers, having to deal with the amount of people in that cramped space because not enough campers are being claimed fast enough. having to resolve issues between campers in the hermes cabin all the time. the stolls arent just comedic relief, and we need to stop treating them as such

- tratie shldve been canon idc idc

- demigods of the demeter cabin arent talked about enough and i love the fact that meg was demeters kid. like she isnt the child of one of the big three yet shes so powerful.

- we need to hype clarisse up more her character arc was phucking amazing 

- rachel is overhated. sis found out greek gods exist and regularly come down to earth to fuck around and went “ok cool”. queen shit behavior methinks

- the floor 19 crew of mcga is srsly underrated. like do u even remember halfborn gunderson, mallory keen, tj, etc??? bc i feel like we only remember samirah, magnus, alex, and sometimes blitz and hearthstone

- sadie (tkc) was kinda annoying at first. i like her more now tho but i rmb not liking her for a phat while

- tkc and mcga need more love

- carter kane and jason grace arent boring. theyre just really sweet boys who are too good for this world and yes yes yes 

- hazel and frank (especially frank) need to be hyped up more. i hardly ever see anything about them. also yall seem to forget that frank was literally made praetor and that even hecate admired hazel and was willing to fight beside her because of how powerful she was

- frazels age gap is kinda sketch but i still think theyre really cute

- nico definitely had trauma from going to tartarus on his own

- GROVER IS PERCYS BEST FRIEND

- annabeth isnt smarter than leo but neither is leo smarter than annabeth. ive seen a lot of discussions about who is smarter and heres my hot take on it: neither. theyre equally smart, just in different ways. leos a genius mathematically speaking. he has no issues solving math problems meant for people much, much older than him. annabeth on the otherhand, is great at strategies etc. she can make an army of 1000 more powerful than the enemy, even if theyre outnumbered. so in my opinion, both are equally as smart//u cant compare their intelligence, because their talents lie in two different areas.

- while i do agree rick riordan isnt a god and that hes bound to make mistakes,, AND that hes given us a lot of representation,, if the representation offends the people its sposed to represent, then theres a problem. im talking about piper as a poc and wearing feathers in her hair. im not a poc, so i cant speak for them on whether or not its wrong, because i dont know either. HOWEVER, i have seen multiple posts BY pocs talking about how they didnt really like rick’s representation of piper, and thats an issue. pocs have been and are still oppressed and discriminated against by many. as a white cis man, we cant really blame him for not knowing (tho he could have done a research,, asked some pocs,, idk), but by representing pocs in that manner, hes influencing impressionable kids/teens into thinking “oh pocs wear feathers in their hair all the time” etc, which isnt true. the pjo/hoo series is extremely successful, and kids who read the books will probably start forming inaccurate opinions on pocs. the amount of fan art that depicts piper with feathers in her hair dont help either. “but rick said so in the books, so its canon” yeah well rick isnt a god and he can get some things wrong at times. im not saying we should cancel him, im saying we should start educating ourselves and not spread false info like pocs wearing feathers in their hair all the time. also that snake song shit where she sang Summertime was just- yeah. bc heres the thing you can be racist, and still include minorities, but portray them in a racist way. And even then, ignorance isn't a thing to admire. Getting those facts wrong still has a major impact. It continues to perpetuate racist stereotypes.

“ With the feather thing, I looked it up myself; it takes less than five minutes to figure out that Cherokees don't braid feathers into their hair. I didn't grow up in the country where my parents are from. I have many other first/second generation American friends who have also been through that, with a bit of a disconnect from their culture. But something that most of us have in common is that when we didn't know something, and when our parents weren't that big of a help, we looked it up. We sought out resources online and through other people from our culture to be able to connect more with where we came from. Some of that took a Google search. So I find it hard to believe that Piper, a girl who Rick's trying to portray as someone who is attempting to connect with her culture and is totally against racist stereotypes, wouldn't know that eagle feathers aren't supposed to be braided into your hair casually. She may be disconnected from her culture, but she's also shown to want to connect back to it. Piper wouldn't be casually braiding feathers into her hair while also telling off people for being racist. It makes no sense.” - reddit thread (down below) 

for those of yall who wanna know more please please read this, it has a lot of things i wanna add in here : https://www.reddit.com/r/camphalfblood/comments/gy3gl2/piper_mcleans_portrayal_is_innacurate/ 

as well as https://finding-my-culture.tumblr.com/post/189422373260/maxie-ratties-and-cattie-finding-my-culture 

i will be posting screenshots of these in future posts so if ure viewing this on ig and u dont have tumblr,, dont worry 

- the fact that most of the strong female characters in the series refuse to be “girly”, and ngl i dont really like that. just because ure girly doesnt mean u cant be strong. 

- piper would have been a great way for him to start making the strong characters act girlier, but instead he went with the “I’m not like other girls” trope which is quite obnoxious to hear constantly, and I don’t think it’s necessarily great for younger girls to read that idea growing up.  the closest we've ever had to a strong female character who was also into "girly" things was Silena. when I was younger I admired Piper's "I'm not like other girls" thing, but then I got older and realized that the whole mentality of "not like other girls" is super obnoxious, and a little bit toxic

i have a heck load more that i cant rmb rn but yeah feel free to add more 

[misterbitches]

I ship muren and li cheng bc i only saw it through gifs then i watched this episode cos i was like im only starting this show if they kiss im waiting and they did and it was nice and i got so anxious that i was about to fucking vomit. I really like them together. The top/bottom shit is dumb and i hope if they must mention it they all build a bridge and get over it so they can switch cos who gives a shit. I didnt realize how large they all are like most “tall” men on tv are lying. But bc that kid is so thin and tall and the other one (idk the stepbrother) is huge too. Li cheng is shorter than them both but more ~manly~ but still short so why doesnt he take a DICK UP HIS BUTT XD since that’s all that fucking matters and there’s only 2 genders and 2 eays to have sex lmao so nothing else otherwise ur screwed

Hd a terrible past couple of weeks personally and because i keep seeing my peopl eget murdered and things ripped from us ^_____^ anyway here’s Some libertatrian communist dumb bitch discoars so i’ll tag it:

keep in mind these are my opinions’”” when i engage in discourse. I am not the end all be all and I don’t need you to agree. There’s some shit I am non-negotiable on but thsi is just exchanging of information. Any authoratative tone I take on comes from my beliefs, my life, my experiences, and what I choose to cultivate as a person and an artist. I dont have control over your feelings, you do. If it hurts you then either tell me the issue and be PRECISE about it, understand that context matters which is why i type so much in engagement, and do not fucking lie or misconstrue my words. Do not call me western ever in your life either. I am a black-american. I have adhd and bc i am a black woman if ur automatically thinking im brolic i am accepting money in my paypal for ur wellbeing to get me to shut the fuck up.Thanks.

The stepbrothers storyline is stupid and lazy writing. I really want to counter people that say it’s written well and that it’s interesting because it isn’t. Even if it was illicit and fucked we can write a story out about this. Let’s rethink what they could have done shall we:

- become stepbrothers at about 16 and their parents mismanage the relationship and they fail in trying to get an integrated family together (this is what happened in the #iconic transit girls and that was fuckin’ weird but hey dude guess what we watched it and it was weird but not unethical and we know one is like 19 and the other is 21 and a girl so it’s like wow you avoided so much and handled their stepsister story very…….um lightly given the end lmao but it was there and people had AGENCY)

-OR you realize that freak is obsessed with him and then he realizes it and is like “bitch i swear to god” and in typical shtity trope BL fashion they can find a way from obsession, to loss and independence when you lose your obsession, to “love” if they choose

- have the fucked up shit but make it clear what the issues are and you literally cannot write your way out of it so do not try

But why can’t fucked up things be shown? Also this is realistic.

0. Well according to you but no one said that they can’t. So that’s on your interpretation of critique (that is, again, not bullying or harassment.) They can, i just gave plenty of scenarios in which it is affective and not just annoying to witness, trope-y, and frankly ridiculous and offensive. Sorry! They don’t do it well. You can come up with alternatives too. See #2 btw.

1. No it isn’t doing a good job of reflecting life because life has consequences. The exaggeration in drama doesn’t mean the arc shouldn’t be there. Almost always things that aren’t heavy with the message or meant to be sobering in a deep way are COMPELLING. The realism is the basis for art because we are human. This is not the way real humans act.

Someone said Tharn Type was mature and I had to laugh because no, no one acts that way and is “in love” if they act that way that means they fucking hate each other and they’re immature and frankly it’s just not that interesting for many of us to watch because the dramatization of the “realism” is fucking bonkers. That was such poor writing it is unbelievable and someone has the audacityt o say it’s how real adults act. Fucking murder me if I’m with someone for 7 years and we break up over a miscommunication and for some reason I am not as horny as my always horny boyfriend. The fuck? What kind of lives do you lead? Either you are not an adult or you are an adult who needs therapy.

I also hear the “realistic” argument but then people try and temper it with “but also it’s fiction.” What do you think fiction is? Why do you think filmmaking exists? Number one, it’s propaganda in the sense that you want others to buy into your presentation and see what you see. That means that the creators are telling people and influencing them WITH ART BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS about their feelings around a situation. That’s why it is imperative to be responsible as a filmmaker and artist and underline the deepness of creepiness if that’s what they want. If they want to relay that rape sometimes ok and psychos are crazy so they get boy (??!?!?!? BITCH?) then they achieved it with no innovative information. We know people get raped bc we are human beings and many of us live with that fear. You know, being the target demo and all. And bc BL loves that trope it’s rape fantasy peddled to young people and women. Just like shitty wattpad fics or NYT best sellers. Hooray, what now? Or are you trying to purport that this isn’t glorified fanfiction? Which it literally is

2. This is the issue with these shows. No one is saying that fucked up shit cannot be shown. There’s a film about a woman who is raped and she falls in love with her rapist (because he was masked but i think we find out later that she knows. Binoche is in it.) I have no desire for that film—i think it’s by a man and i extra dont care—but I hear it’s sort of powerful for many. I heard it was a good film. But the act itself is always eschewed and the conflict comes from how fucking ridiculous it is especially finding out that she knows. The power imbalance adn the possibility. They may not have handled it in a way I would have cared for but it was there.

There’s simply no imagination because these people do not care that much and aren’t great writers and filmmakers because they simply do not have to be. Sorry.

The industry doesn’t rely on the best they rely on efficiency (this is everywhere.) You can tell by the camera angles, the editing, the camera itself (idk if it is multicam but the flatness is typical soap flatness without the glowboxes to soften their faces.) Simple constant lighting. Now the surroundings are mostly beautiful. But even to some of the costumes. And those edits are abysmal, some of that camera work.

So with all that said even with the couple I extremely enjoy I see its (H4) faults. Add into that a lazily thrown together “shocking” love and if they are trying to get us to feel a type of way about its sexiness they fail. This is why movies like 50sog, 365 days, etc aren’t enjoyable to people because it’s fucking strange situations that they dont want to entangle or make enjoyable to viewers across the board. They know what people will take. It’s just that bitch what are we here for if even the sexiness isn’t there for ur stupid story.

At least with that teenager and 30 yr old man in MODC (which i do not love but i like them in theory if it wasnt totally repulsive to me and also if it was developed in a way that was good TO ME) they had their, er, “sex appeal” i talk about this as well the main couple in MODC to me, visually, was a miss. Not bc whatshisface was small and stuff but bc he was so sickly and they needed that to propel the story but it was just not appealing given how the story progressed. A missed opportunity in tying the two together besides making him look waif-y and sickly only to have the “did ur mom die in a car crash? No, cancer” type of move in not another teen movie. But the opposite. And not funny. Wayne tho????? GORL. Eggs. Cracked.

fandoms have a very warped sense of harrassment and discourse.

Most fandoms have harassers who are “protecting” the cast and crew who don’t need their protection (or maybe the crew does since they probably dont get paid well but why the fuck would anyone care about that lol) but very few have the people who have concerns or massive critique about the show are not going to be “bullying.”

If people are saying “if you like xyz, u suck” then sure it may suck for you to see but who fucking cares. Either talk to the person or don’t be friends with them. That is not bullying or harrassment. Things that are shitty get criticized. Fuck, things that aren’t shitty don’t. Get away from this idea of cancel culture and people misunderstanding the story. We have the ability to.

Think beyond your noses of personal preference. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them.

And guess what? You won’t like everybody. Many people can’t stand me i’m sure. Oh well. I mean frankly I don’t like that and I feel very unsettled when I don’t feel understood. That’s ok! I have to temper it. Sometimes calm myself down. I won’t get anything and everything I want. And you won’t like every opinion and sometimes it’s like “man am i a dummy?” But the part of growing up is fucking maanging that and beng honest about “bashing and harrassment” and “bullying” and growing up. Yuo can like what you want the “let people like what they want thing” is so fucking juvenile and THAT is not the real world. Which is probably why so many people feel that way, they dont want to live in the real world. Unfortunately, you do.

Think beyond our noses of personal preference and what we feel emotionally in conjunction with others. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. And you can say things that you believe to be true but it doesn’t make them so or maybe it isn’t received that way to people. And many times we learn new things in the discussions “oh shit i didn’t see it that way” right? Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them. Usually the “opposition” in these situations aren’t the popular beliefs that permeate through society. Trust me lmao

Antiblackness

Antiblackness is a thing. It permeates everywhere. It permeates in this genre and it permeates in fandom. Get it the fuck together. Also do not conflate cultural relativism with being repsectful. They are not barbarians, they are smart human beings either making work or deciding to. We all have diff cultures but we have fucking sense in what is respectful and not. And if we don’t we fucking learn. You cannot excuse things and say “oh culture” when you have 0 idea of that culture or actual people who are radical etc and are fighting against it. Additionally the word westerner is an ignorant term when referring to people in the US or UK who are black. Because we are not. We extend sympathy to other groups and empathy since we know so there is no inherent power imbalance between a black viewer and their subject. Don’t suggest that because it’s wrong and ahistorical and contextless.

FIRST the fallacy of representation as freedom makes people fucking complacent, individualistic, and doesn’t let them think critically. Consumption and discourse around consumption is not helping material conditions of the marginalized communities in your home, the black ones who are ignored, those intersectionalized in these communities. Groups talk about art and what it means for them outside of just what we see and because we also don’t have access to a bunch of Thai reviews or what movements or going on we are less likely to know if we don’t FUCKING SEARCH for it. Because art is constant...which leads me to....

Representation is difficult. It matters and it doesn’t.

Tthese shows are not meant to overturn the LGBTQ+ community.

There are queer filmmakers and artists in these countries. Deep illustrious film careers or even TV that is moving and deliberate. We can even see it with the dude from “your name engraved” in their short series he was in beforehand. BL is no wa pejorative because it is simply not “qu**r” storytelling whatever that means. But know it has always existed everywhere and there are also out artists or radical artists in all these countries who do no respect mediums that are cash-grabs and poorly made.

ex: As much as “Like in the Movies” sort of isnt for me and is a bit hamfisted you can tell how much love goes into that. Love of the characters, acting, and message. Yes it’s cringey to see some of the lines (like very tbh subtlety wasnt exactly their strong suit) and yea naming them after lenin and marx is just 0ihgoaudgijposkagjihou BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY FUCKING DID IT. THEY TRIED. And class was a large component as well bc u cant fuckin ignore it. The show is aware of the machinations in its world as a show but also in the philippines and for a fuckin reason. And duatarte? Loooooooool so like yea not so sure bl makes him love his ppl but the show isnt trying to do that

It’s not a transgressive genre and it has no reason to be. No ethical anything under the way we live it’s just trying your fucking best to be. That’s it. They serve societal ills and capital’s purposes. Which is fine but it is not revolutionary.

These countries in SEA or even SA do not have as big budget for even mainstream dramas—though things are changing and that’s bc REVENUE like revenue from kpop is fucking huge for SK and again so much about that is bc of what happened in their history from japanese imperialism to WWII to the US—so for “queer” stuff it is sort of now important to make that an export and it sure is one. Not only globally or to the west but a lot of these places make their money within asia (duh!) outside of their countries. OBVIOUSLY. so BL is a way to output and gain money. The thing is, it doesnt seem to be put back into the industry at all. For people in all these countries to make works that aren’t for mainstream or wont reach as many people there’s a difference between trying and just shoving shit in your face and going here it’s gay you like it right? But dont antagonize the inherent patriarchal nature of BL.

Another thing: did you guys know thailand was never colonized? You should look it up. There’s little hints of things in ITSAY to represent french influence still. Isnt that fascinating? Find out why. It’s certainly interesting that the representation, though damaging and dubious many times and also incorrect like any media, is huge in asia and this isnt a commodity here (the US) exactly. A lot of that has to do with colonial ideas of gender of which I am sure. But listen………lmao

Sometimes people dont give a shit. And it very much shows. Here is the thing once again. GOOD TRANSGRESSIVE WORK exists.

Een within the capitalist Bs paradigm or you can see people trying (I can sort of applaud parts of lovely writer) also queer media has always existed everywhere the reason you don’t know about it is because it gets takena nd commodified into a mainstream product. We hvae little incentive, particularly if we are not fans of cinema or art in gen, to search fror others when the output is right here. Being dictated by others and the state and who will give you money. No longer an effort of a cast and crew who want to convey things. But google [any country] independent cinema, radical cinema, queer radical cinema, or even retrospectives on the cinema and rethinking what is queer and radical in film. What if we took that, diluted it, got rid of the creators who put themselves through all the work, ignroe al the nuances and do……………….two actors who are conventionally attractive with no chemistry making out.

It’s the same here lets say daniel kaluuya winning the oscar for the film about the BPP. I heard it was okay and not too offensive but it still isnt’ enough. It still isn’t like hwood isn’t trash, nnati black, misogynistic towards BW and women, and all that other shit. It was pushy but it can’t be enough where we are. Black KKKlansmen i think won an oscar, by circumstance i fuckin hate these award shows they mean nothing, and i like the film a lot but he has his misogynoir still resting in his films even if it is poignant. And it was a film that honestly wasn’t really made for black people. And should all art be a response to direct trauma or trying to make ourselves palatable when we’re just human?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and it’s importance (capitalism) but also sorta individual responsibility

Considering a lot of these actors are rich and then just dip that’s another problem. Mainstream isn’t what sustains marginalized art ever. It doesn’t change in the vast ways we think it does. What changes is the people of these groups pushing, fighting, forcing and then capitalism trying to make it work under capitalism. It will not. It cannot.

This is why artists and labels often don’t mix or you see people like Sonic Youth doing whatever they want and pissing off their label but making them give them money. Same with Nirvana. Vince Staples. The thing is they can fight and make good shit but what capitalism helps people….not care? They don’t respect the audience? We’re getting those returns on poor executed product placement, lighting, editing, framing, fucking acting. And you surewon’t see mixed black asians in these shows. WHY R U is the oNLY one i have seen it in and he just disappears (but that was pretty cool.) so who the fuck is this representing? And before you start: asian countries are not homogenous the way we believe them to be. There are marginalized communities outside of even mixed people that are harmed. So you can skrrt cause on that one: you’re wrong buddy. But it gives us the IDEA of a paradise which is what they NEED.With representation and visibility comes consequence and responsibility as artists. What it allows them to do is coast and not think complexly because why should they; it’s mostly the fantasies of some older woman who probably has money and much less interaction with the world. It’s bonkers. And what that allows even further is for them to say YOU ARE THE THING THAT YOU CONSUME and the THING THAT YOU CONSUME IS YOURS. It is not, it is not your identity, form a close bond but figure it the fuck out. Especially for adults who are hellbent on twisting their minds into pretzels and can’t acknowledge what’s just laziness in art and not giving a fucking shit. Truly.

There’s damage that has been done from Parasite as he was supported by CJE&M and the bullshit obsession america had and eveyrone’s poor interpretation of it if they are rich. BJH is a socialist and he is a filmmaker. He has made films that are outstanding and cost a lot of money. But now a fear for indie filmmakers is just not being able to raise that much or have that much attention. Getting funding that helps them instead of expecting the Next Big Thing that is a fad because capitalism is trash. Yes this funneling of money is absolutely harmful to us artists. Even buying in is strategic. Additionally, that film is probs one of the most radical films to have that wide release and accolade (unlike “Sorry to Bother You” which i have a lot of thoughts about. One being that asian exports are acceptable but black ones are not. This is an overall art critique and global media critique. Blackness is removed, not respected.) However, filmmaking isn’t green, it can’t be socialist, and it’s a lot of work. They used tons and tons and TONS of water to do a huge beautiful feat but we still know there is a cost. We have to figure that out because it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t go back into the crew’s pockets the way it should and the work becomes that of the director’s and actors solely. It’s fucking hard. We have to do our part but it doesn’t mean we are doing it perfectly. We just have to try to do better. So does BJH cos he needs to not be a misogynist but anyways i digress.

additionally and this is something some users fail to understand: people in the media sphere generally have fucking money. I went to film school that was international with super fucking rich kids. Taiwanese kids, kids from south asia, china, thailand. They had money. No not upper middle class money, not “rich” money, not some paltry 1m that’s chump change. Fucking money. Fucking RICH-RICH. MILLIONAIRES. BILLIONAIRES. WHICH IS DISGUSTING MIGHT I ADD. The domestic people didn’t have the money for school (in the UK) and i am in a massive amount of debt like every other black student that went there. You do not understand how much money is needed to survive so people who turn to these crew positions even casting etc need this fucking money usually. OKAY. A lot of the people that do well in these dumb shows or even on a larger scale HAVE MONEY. The reason these industries are small and struggling is because of lack of people and lack of resources to independent shit because oh gee it takes money to make things.

Why should I try? Well you don’t have to really if you have money or a name. Yet...

We can tell when like those Tik Tok shows or DCOMs dont give a shit (anymore.) You know how frustrated we get when content for young people is garbage? Well, see, BL is literally that under that system. Occasionally we will get something good now but there is virtually no need in any sector in the world at this point to truly figure out how to make it better and what to do to enhance artistic literacy, outreach, teaching people new things, getting people from these communities there and having true realistic says. Art and culture is IMPERATIVE TO WORLD LIBERATION but not when it is so stiffly trying to bend to capital’s idea of progressiveness. No. Neoliberalism. No.

That’s why in a way ITSAY is a huge feat; it takes from films etc and they clearly had money (the actors rae rich too which….lmaooooo j’aime pas) but it was a respected fucking script, acting was important, blocking, framing. There’s very little to critique as a visual medium for that because I understand what they are trying to do, their market is going to be mostly young girls, but they RESPECT THE FUCKING AUDIENCE. And guess what guys? You can make money from it!!!! WOAH! Since that may be the only goal which is disgusting and repulsive.

HOWEVER AND THIS IS WHAT IS SAD: itsay is an ex of a great show however knowing the actors backgrounds and the pseudo trouble it stirred when they weren’t supporting people protesting against the coup in the summer it really put a damper on my enjoyment. And this is how we can see that:

a) it’s honestly just a show and a good one but b) now what?

These kids (actors, who are like idk 19? 20?) are rich and not saying anything while countless actors, who were filming, did. Even tul who has $$$$ and the thing is the protesting against the coup legitimately attacks the rich. As it should. The protests going on were cries for help, against a dictatorship and fucking coup, asking people to get fucking help for covid, having kids be able to live. There’s a mini on VICE about this and it probably doesnt go too in depth but there’s a kid in there who talks about his friends getting into drugs and how he just wants to make music, have fun, skateboard. And it’s harrowing to see. This is a direct example of what these things do and don’t do. Yea we know a good show is here, we know growing up and slice of life, we know this is a bit of escapism and idealism but the idealism is reflected in the way these actors also choose to live their lives. So what progress? To who? For who? How is this helping me? What purpose does it serve? I say ITSAY serves its purpose as a piece and a glimpse into possibility of growing up but i do not say it antagonizes a broader issue that needs to be relevant in some sense but simply is not. It’s very singleminded and, well, it’s sort of like “besides my sexuality, what do i have to worry about?” But for real humans like....a lot. I do not respect their decision at all.

Why can’t we do our jobs and make something decent and respect our audience? No time, gotta make that sweet sweet sweet cash baybee. Look how progressive we are! Don’t look at history and material conditions. Thanks in advance, management.

History 4 does not have that respect. Many of these shows do not. Sometimes we hit good, sometimes we don’t. But in the end we cannot settle. And I won’t. If I am critiquing something I will not be shy and if I am meant to enjoy something as escapism then these shows NEED to highlight that and it’s rare sometimes (the best twins is a good reminder like that show is bad but man do i Brain Empty when i turn it on and i like that and there’s not much in it that makes me want to kill myself from annoyance but there are transphobic jokes i dont love however the whole show is a comedy about this dude’s crazy homophobic sister and she is constantly positioned as wrong and they talk about the aforementioned trans women as the actor was in drag. Interesting that they can manage that, huh?)

Oh btw.....taiwan has a very complicated history but ignore all the bad stuff it’s good now you can kinda sorta get married and stuff. KMT? You know how i learned that? I care about human beings and read about it lmao. I am not Taiwanese and look at that. So now I have historical and DIALECTICAL~**~*~****~*~*~ context so i can judge it as an artist, a black woman from america, and from the knowledge i have to pick up on their history to see if this fits into a broader picture besides the micro-one of sexuality on an individualized level. And this is kinda where it comes full circle: these shows are not you, you are not them, they do not exist in a vacuum because nothing does. The failure to critique now means continuing on as it has and it will still do so. History and time are not linear in the sense we think it is. Someitmes things are better, sometimes things feel more austere. We are not living under liberation though and these shows are not going to do so. So they are not US nor are they for a nebulous “us” of which the groups are all fractured and have diff opinions anyway (my opinion as a black american is going to vary from an asian woman’s say and that could really clash and i do not feel solidarity with all those in every community i am for several reasons.)

Final thots that have taken up my time and the only thing i actually wanted to write but got distracted:

Anyway my dissertation is that I ilke Muren and LiCheng a lot a lot and i like how cute they are and how truly dumb li cheng is. This is an example of mostly good writing, decent actors, nice chemistry, and sort of a calmness to them. And I super enjoy how Muren is pretty forward with LC in the sense that being together is like very important to truly be together. When he was like “no i didnt forget!” Or when LC asked him something in the office I forget it was 6 am and again i almost threw up and muren nodded and then LC leaned on him. Very cute. I want more of them tho i may have to skip that othre couple (the cameo the ones from MODC) but omfg the younger one HIS HAIR GREW SO MUCH HE LOOKS SO MATURE AND CUTE OMFGIJ0HUG9SAOGIJPKOAGJSIOHUAGIJP hahhaha the one good thing i will say about THEM.idk how old the actor is i figure he was young idk it makes me happy to see him he’s very cute. I hope he’s in something i can watch and not gag at. Is he hot? Who knows but he is a cutie!!

Anyway muren and lc have a good thing going it’s nice to watch ho\pe they dont fuck it up but im truly a sucker for some true finds 2 luvas i think some user on her\e was like i’m not a fan of friends ot lovers bc it doesn’t seem like they’re actually friends and maybe they were referring to this show idk. But it made me think and it was a very good observation. So i think they are friends and also luvrs <3

[evakuality]

Hello, I also have a writer question but not one from the ones you reblogged, I hope that is ok? How exactly does it work to write a fic together? Do you plan it out beforehand? Is every chapter written together? What happens when both want to go into a different reaction? When one doesn't feel like writing? Could you tell us a bit more about it.

Oh, that’s such an interesting question.  I can only say how this is from my side.  Maybe @hjertetssunnegalskap1 can add more if she happens to stumble on this as well.  Anyway.  I think there are as many ways of writing fic together as there are collaborations tbh.  But the way we worked was to first, grab the idea we were going to work with and hammer it all out so we were pretty sure of the big picture stuff.  That way, we tended to know we were on the same page and where the thing was roughly going to go.  It was never a truly planned out thing at that stage, but gave us enough to feel comfortable with the general direction.

Then we would decide how we would split it up.  Usually, for us, that meant we split along character PoV, as our styles aren’t really similar enough that we could blend in one PoV together.  That, of course, meant that we had big chunks we would each write before the other could really do much in their next one.  And, as you suggest, there’s the danger then that one person is in a better position to write than the other for whatever reason (that could be anything from busy work periods to illness and so on).  So the way we combatted that was to plot out the chapters at that stage.  Each one had specific things that would happen in each PoV (we tend to do both PoVs in each chapter) and so if one person did get ahead, there was some scope to write some of the later parts anyway.  

We also each wrote chunks in each other’s parts, so the styles came a bit closer together anyway.  There would also sometimes be times when we’d realise that one part that had been done in one PoV actually should be in the other.  When that happened, we would flip the PoV and the person in charge of the new PoV would be the one to modify it so that it fit the style of the character, if that makes sense.  Because of this, occasionally when  one or other of us was off for whatever reason, the other would pick up the heavy lifting and do both PoVs for a while until the other was able to help out with editing etc to smooth out styles etc.

Now, the biggest thing is that question of what happens if you don’t agree on the direction.  For the most part, we did agree because we front-loaded those discussions into the planning and so we were generally on the same page throughout.  However, a couple of times this did happen during writing and we realised that we had miscommunicated and hadn't quite each got the same idea.  When that happened, we’d pause and discuss until we came to a compromise we were both happy enough with.  Sometimes that required going back and editing some previous parts to align with the new consensus.  Which is why, despite being someone who likes to post as I go, I was willing to wait for a rather large chunk to be done before we posted at all.  

In fact, that was probably our biggest compromise of all.  Camilla likes to write the whole thing before she posts and I like to post as I go.  So we ended up starting to post when we were roughly halfway done with writing.  It gave us enough buffer to work with while still allowing me to post while I wrote.

I hope that helped, anon!  It sure was nice to go down memory lane on that one, and now I want to co-write a fic with someone again haha. 

[shay11a]

New Rules, an overly long review

Alright, let’s do this.

I’ll just start with a little disclaimer that english is not my first language and although I’m usually fluent-ish some of my sentences might not translate very well from french, so please bear with me. Also this i like barely edited so sorry about the mistakes.

I’m here to talk about my favorite fanfiction, not only in this fandom, but in all fandom (and trust me, I’m a part of a lot of fandoms), and of all the fanfictions I’ve ever read (and trust me I’ve read a lot) : New Rules by the amazing @tayegi

The first time I read, I binge read it, but make no mistake, I don’t mean that I rushed though the story in one day, oh no, I mean I couldn’t do anything else, every minute of my day that I wasn’t in class or adulting, I was reading it, but it’s one of those rare fictions where I knew I was reading something just that good that I needed to make it last as much as possible. Imagine my struggle, balancing the need to know what was going to happen next and my visceral need to make it last as much as possible because I knew I could never experience this first reading again. 

That’s how much I love this story.

Unfortunetaly, there came a time I caught up.

So I re-read it.

Again.

And Again.

To this day, I often come back to it, re-reading entirely or picking up at any point to enjoy again a moment that I particularly like. I do this often with fiction I particularly liked, but one thing that I find amazing with NR is that, contrary to most fic, no matter where I pick up, I know what is happening, what happened before that, because the plot is just so wonderfully crafted that everything has consequences, every character is relevant and their actions have consequences that they are held accountable to by the plot (dunno is this makes sense but it does in my native language sorry) I regret not posting a review under every chapter as I read, it was selfish on my part, but I needed to continue, I have some notes from this review at the end but they lack the specificity of first impressions, I apologize for that. 

I also have to mention that this review is NOT spoiler free so if you want to read it please, PLEASE New Rules before that there is absolutely NO way that you won’t thank me (and Tayegi of course) afterwards, and don’t ‘I don’t mind spoilers’ me this story DESERVES to be read spoiler free.

Alright, buckle up kiddos, let’s do this.

I. The writing

The way the plot unveils is downright cathartic. I recently re-read it entirely to make this review and going back to the first chapters and seing how everything just MAKES SENSE and how a small thing happening has consequences over everything later. Just HUH brilliant. (I’m thinking about OC’s crush on Jimin here and how through the prism of Mijoo we later see that her crush was her projecting // Jin, now THAT’S WRITING) 

The smut, how do I put it, is bomb but it doesn’t feel like smut smut, it feels like actual sex described, not idealized and in my opinion it just adds to the quality of the story, because sex is an essential part of the story, not something added to satiate the hormones of horny readers (as an ex-horny teenager, I want to thank people writing this kind of smut and say that there is nothing wrong with writing this kind of smut) or just for the sake of it because apparently having sex is the culminating point of a relationship. Sex scenes tell a story as much as argument scenes, if not more. First, because as a sex friends to lover AU (smh) it is inherently part of the story but also because the characters don’t just stop having a backstory, emotions and emotional baggage when they have sex, all those things are still present and they influence the way they act in bed. And THAT is satisfying to read.  

On many occasions, in the fanfic writing community, you can hear (read?) people saying, « this fiction could / should be published like an actual book » I’m not here to further the debate on real literature, fanfiction and so what not, but this fiction is one that, more importantly than it being published, I feel like I could study in english class, take an extract and study the amazing characterization, how the scene furthers the plot, what are the literary devices used to do so. I feel like I could study the running metaphors, the sub plots and how they correlate so well to the main plot and further the characterization of a character, the plot itself or something else. Everything feels like a neatly knitted masterpiece. 

In that aspect, one scene that I particularly liked was the one where OC is hidden listening to JK and Hyejin, and as she hears what he says, she crushes the rose in her hand. It’s such a simple and yet telling idea: her bourgeoning love and hope for a romantic relationship symbolized by the ultimate romantic symbol : a rose, and JK’s words make her try and crush those feelings, but she hurts herself doing so, because the action itself is a painful one — trying to refrain hope / trying to suffocate feelings — but also because love, just like roses has thorns that may hurt, that’s why JK is so afraid of committing it seems, and the irony is that he is doing exactly that to someone else. (My explanation is so messy plfnmesdmflfmqf sorry)

One recurring idea/plot device that I have noticed is the one of misunderstanding / misreading each others. OC and JK constantly misread each others (I’m thinking about the scene in the bar where she rubs his back affectionately and he interprets it in a sexual way) and idk but something about this really hits me hard, because it’s human, so inherently human, this makes the characters feel like human beings not fictional archetypes. Because in real life, we can’t take a step back and have a view of the bigger picture the way we can as an omniscient reader who remembers very well what one said or did earlier that explains their behavior. In real life we dont know and cannot guess why people act a certain way based on some hinted at tragic backstory that would explain their commitment issues.

On a lighter note, the writing is just so freaking FUNNY, like I can’t count how many times I cackled like an idiot reading. + Tayegi has a way of cutting from scenes to scenes or from dialogue to dialogue that is just so FUNNY (if it was a movie I would talk about editing because it’s exactly how it feels, like when you got A saying ‘I will never do that’ and it cuts and the next frame is A doing exactly that)

More on the writing in the notes for every chapter further below.

II. Feminism, social justice and me relating to everything 

Ok this part is going to be a bit more personal but I had to address how much main girl and her struggles resonated with me. As a feminist myself I VERY often struggles with the same problem : that is when my beliefs come brutally crashing with the social constructs I have internalized and have yet to deconstruct as well as the people surrounded me who don’t necessarily share the same belief. And the way Tayegi portrayed this is spot on not to say borderline genius. 

Her mixed feelings when facing Hoseok « not like other girls » comments or the conversation where she struggles to explain why she is fucking the notorious fuckboy despite her talks about hook-up culture were punches in the guts to me, because feminists are always the ones to be criticized the most easily (I am aware that my phrasing here is horrendous but I don’t know how to word this differently again sorry English is not my native language) and the slightest slip-up will be pointed at by people who aren’t even feminist but see an easy way to gaslight them. So, to read this, to read another woman facing the same situations and being as utterly upset and sometime powerless as I felt, god was it cathartic. 

And don’t get me started on the way she always ALWAYS sticks by her principles of sorority, even to the women that have been nothing less than mean to her and how hard it is to support other women when we live in a society that always pit women against each others. I FELT that. But nevertheless main girl tries to, she compliments Somin on her dress, Hiejin as well even though they both have been openly hostile (and even mean sometimes) to her. I truly felt this, all theses little moments, just a sentence here and there, but I felt them in my guts.

III. The characters 

The characters, oh god, the characters. OC ? Marry me. JK? Marry me (also I want to slap him but it’s another story). Taehyung ? Marry me. Mijoo? Marry me.   

The relationship between OC and her BFF is in my opinion one of the best thing about the pic and one that really remarks it from other, the twist about twist alsmot made me believe it would be like every other pic where oc ends up with virtually no friend (especially female ones because like everyone know girls cause drama riiiight ) but it happens so early ? How could it ooooh it’s not like that, OC and her BFF and mature enough to discuss it, it still has  consequences, the scene where OC accuses BFF of pushing her onto Jk to make herself feel better about jimmy still gives me chills because, yeah, it makes sens that she would, and it kinda feels like she did with how insistant she has been, but again, we are told the story from OC’s perspective, so obviously she feels bad when BFF insists that her and JK are meant to be bc she knows that JK wouldn’t date her, but again, as readers, we can kinda see from BFF perspective, they indeed look perfect for one another and only misunderstanding and insecurities and Jk’s past seems to be in the way (okay granted when you say it like that it seems like a lot), but in the end, Mijoo also seems genuine in the way she pushes them together, even though, yeah she might have, consciously or not done it for that reason.

i don’t know if I want a happy ending for OC and JK, I want one because they are so good and sweet together and after everything they’ve been through I feel like they sort of deserve it, but after everything they’ve been through, especially the way JK has behaved, it seems hard for a happy ending to happen. I feel like it’s going to take a lot of time and talking (including his backstory that has been hinted at a few times wink wink) for them to work things out, if they work things out.

I’ve mentioned that before but : THE SORORITY oh lord where do I start? OC standing up for Hyejin and Somin even when they had a few rough patches, sign me the fuck UP. OC not turning totally on her best friend Mijoo (my girl btw) and overlooking their friendship and what she had done for her in the time of Jin because Mijoo made a selfish mistake ? Yes please, MORE.

Hoseok is, in my opinion, spot ON. It took me some time to exactly pin point who he reminded me of but then I realized he is exactly what I call the 'apolitical guy’, who is convinced to not have controversial opinion and would deny ever having prejudice when he clearly has (i.e. the scene where Oc calls him out on his misogynie

I have to admit that Hyejin and Somin are amongst my favorites because even though the plot (and the fact that we are basically supposed to be on OC’s side as the story is told from her perspective)  makes them very unsympathetic, your writing allows us to understand their actions and empathize with them. Learning about Hyejin’s past with JK makes her look like the character of a fan fiction where she could have been the main character unfortunately for her, this is OC’s story so Hyejin can’t get the guy in the end. But truly, her backstory feels like an entire other ff in the story and to be honest basically every other character’s backstory as well as the subplots feel this way. And Somin, well Somin is basically going through the same thing as OC but with Hoseok so how can we mock her for it while crying for OC ? That’s impossible and that’s why your writing is so powerful, there is no clear ‘bad guy’ (appart from J*n but who cares about that roquefort face) and everyone is in that gray, humane area. 

Every character has so many layer (I don’t count JK and OC in this because at this point we can’t talk about layers anymore it’s a damn millefeuille) and getting to discover more about them is amazing. 

Basically, every side character reflects something on OC and JK and further the plot, the themes while feeling like their own individuals with their own complex thoughts and problems and I think that’s fucking brilliant. 

And now onto my notes for every chapter (it’s low-key very messy sorry)

Chapter 1 :

Lord to thing that it started with a simple friend request :’)

I love how in the very first line, OC telling Mijoo how she knows JK instantly characterizes him to the reader, it’s smart BUT also characterize OC as someone quick witted and serious/professional but also very sarcastic, funny and taking no shit from anyone. Incipit done well here. I mean, so much exposition is crammed into the very first lines but it just feels soooo natural!

I also love how the dynamic between Mijoo and OC can appear « basic » but will later be revealed to be so much more complex and profound and that’s basically how everything in this fic just keep getting better and more complex as you read.

Also, I love how OC and JK’s first encounter is because they are both trying to help their best friends, I missed it in the first reading but it’s so telling of their characters. Also I appreciate OC not hating on JK just because she hates him from afar and he suddenly notices her and gets turned on by that (like in a lot of ff let’s not lie, I love myself some bad boy!AU but it’s getting redundant), she genuinely seems to not give a fuck about him and it’s so funny to me somehow, my girl just minding her business, getting her straight A’s and doing charity work, we stan. Also, the entire part where they complain about Jimin and Mijoo is downright hilarious 

I really like the way JK says the poetry assignment is easy, hinting at the fact that he is, in fact, not a stupid fuckboi cliché (+ what happens with their presentation and him working his BUTT of)

The entire part where OC and Jk act like they are together is so DAMN FUNNY but at the same time it just shows that they have great chemistry from the get go and I love that. (But seriously it’s so f*ing funny)

I love they way OC’s crush on Jimin is brought up, it’s not outwardly said, but the way he is described form her pov makes it obvious and her helplessness when looking at him and Mijoo is just so heartbreaking (+ getting to me on a personal level since I’ve been in a very similar situation for years so :))) like, you can feel that she doesn’t want to be feeling this way, and is obviously trying to help her BFF and be selfless but cannot help but feel jealousy.+ JK immediately catching up on her crush, showing he is more observant than you’d think.

JK and OC being dumb & dumber AND partner in crime is everything I’ve ever wanted

The description of the feeling of loneliness post-parties is so accurate, and the way she feels is so relatable and heartbreaking. 

The part about anguish and the way she feels suffocated by her feminine attire got to me and honestly I got really close to cryingThe end of the chapter upsets me in the best way, to see JK be so oblivious to how vulnerable and lonely OC is, man it really makes the entire thing so much more gutswrenching.

Highlights (basically lines that made me laugh or that I find particularly well written) :

“then I don’t know why he’s friended you”

“should I block him too?” 

“can you get you get more obvious without tattooing ‘Park Jimin’ on your ass? It’s obvious he owns it anyways”

“why does this kid has so many shirtless selfies”

“it’s like this boy is like a walking cliché of the world’s most basic fuckboi” I see what you did here ;)))

“Ah… you knew?” The way I laugh EVERY time at this line

“Would you be really mad at me if I poured this all over your boobs?“ alkfnenfmefnkgjh Mijoo is my queen

“try her ass instead” JK you absolute moron genius

“Mijoo as been trying to get you laid since freshman” I looove how this just sounds so random and plays into the cliché of the extroverted BFF trying to drag OC to parties and get her laid but with OC’s backstory // Jin it makes SO much more sense

“I won’t feed you lies” he, said, you know, like a liar.

“Your worth as a woman isn’t defined by your purity or whatever bullshit” love the hint at the later reveal that JK is, indeed, a woke king. We stan

“But unfortunately, you aren't the altruistic saint you wish you could be. You suffer from the same human emotions that plague everyone. And they aren't pretty.Despite what the artists and poets claim, the world works in a logical way. It's a simple mathematical formula. Girls like Mijoo end up with their princes. And you remain a bitter stepsister, helpless but to watch their happily ever after from a distance. One that you'll never achieve.” God that part.... 

“Here is a man who actually wants you. Not you, but your body, a little voice in the back of your head reminds you. But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that someone might actually desire you…  ... He feels so thick inside of you that for a moment, the hole in your chest is filled”  This is what I mean when I say that the smut in this story makes SENSE

“You wish you could cling onto this feeling forever so you'll never feel empty again.” The way this scene is supposed to be all smut sexy time but it is actually one of the most emotionally packaged and heart wrenching scene, really I can’t with your writing </333 

“He grins at that, "I thought you knew me better than to take anything I said seriously?“Jk you manipulative mf I hate your fuckboi ass

"Ugh, please don't tell me you're a cuddler," you grumble as you twist in his embrace. "I'm not," he denies, but the way he buries his nose in your hair says otherwise, "And don't think about asking me to stay the night, because I'm not that kind of guy." The dynamic of the entire duo summed up in one paragraph

Chapter 2 :

The moment she reassures Mijoo and see what she is missing is :((

I remember than the first time I read new rules and feminist JK came clean I was honestly shocked (years of being guarded around men’s misoginy and fake feminism I guess) but re-reading it, it’s so nice to see the hints everywhere that he genuinely is and it warms my heart.

The convo JK and OC have about relationships and meaningless sex is not only such a good foreshadowing of the problems they will face later when it comes to coming clean about both their feelings (looking at you JK you moron) but also such a relatable feeling of ‘I know I said men are trash but I’m still vaguely heterosexual and would really like to believe that some aren’t and I know it sounds like I’m reassuring myself and honestly I am because it’s starting to become hard to really believe that’

The twits oh god the TWIST!!! The heartbreak it gave me, I was going to put some sentences in the highlights but honestly I almost ended up putting the entire scene so I gave in but it’s just so well written and nerve wracking to see what could have been and to realize that the friend that OC has been putting so much effort into helping betrayed her.  Like, I can emphasis enough how much I cried reading this, considering I have been in a very similar situation, and that’s probably why this struck a chord so powerfully but wow. 

The blowjob scene is simply another brilliant double meaning smut scene, the way OC is trying to regain control over something, someone, even if it’s not the one she wants, the way she makes him beg to hear compliments, heartbreaking (I know I’ve said this word like a million time and we’re just on chapter 2 but your writing really is something else) 

The scene where she confronts Mijoo is in my opinion one of the BEST I have ever read, the way you can feel her heartbreak and her powerlessness but also the maturity she exudes, the way she tries to be the bigger person and do what’s right, lord I see myself here and it fucking hurts.

“He really likes you, Mijoo. Don’t let him slip away… You’ll only regret it.”  The double meaning that applies to OC here is killing me  

“On any other day, this is the kind of party you would protest, running around with a half dozen other of your feminist friends as you collect signatures for a boycott.” <3

“Wait… what makes you think that we’re supposed to be the hoes?”  <3 <3

“Yeah. You really do.” Jk sometimes I really like you 

“No, sweetheart. You’re the childish one for not being able to accept grown up emotions. Why is falling in love and caring for someone outside of their physical appearance so shameful to you? You need to grow the fuck up and realize that feeling for another human being does not make you weak.”<3 <3 <3

“Frat brothers are despicable…except this one, of course.” Absolutely love how first reading makes it sound like her crush is speaking and second reading shows her idealization of him here 

“You swallow the lump in your throat. It would be one thing to see them wildly making out or grinding in the mosh pit like all the other horny kids. But to see them so enveloped in each other, content to just hug for the rest of the night… It hurts you more than you can express. You’d rather walk in on them fucking. This display of the purest affection… No one has ever held you like that before.You’re jealous. It’s shameful how horrendously jealous you are.”</3

“You need me?” you repeat in a small voice.” OC baby I get you I love you and you deserve th world ;(( </3

“You feel like such a villain, grilling this angel and making her upset. It’s such an irritating feeling, but you can’t choke it back.“It’s not like I liked him anyways…” Lord what have you done to my heart and I think it’s my favorite sentence in the entire story !

Chapter 3 :

OC protecting and looking out for Yerin is just so adorable I CAN’T

The discussion with Hyejin, the foreshadowing!!!!!!!

The way OC is self-aware and thinks JK only wants her body (and at the time it was highly likely) just makes the scene that much more heartbreaking, which makes me realize that all the smut scene up until now have been that way. 

The entire chapter feels like a BIG call out to me thanks for that I guess. (I’m kidding it was wonderful and actually got me reflecting a lot on my habits and self deprecation)

“the ugly cage around your heart loosen a bit”

“Wow, your fungal cream is so nice. I hope you get that infection checked out." We love a considerate and caring man

“You would take this over the hollowness in your chest. You would gladly take the meaningless sex, the hard pounding of your pussy without a single gesture of affection. Who needs an emotional connection when you can have the pain beat out of you? Who needs someone to like you when you have someone to use you?”  No words.

Chapter 4 :

I don’t know if I said that already but I just looooove the way you sprinkle hints here and here about everything ! Foreshadowing events and future revelations it’s just so nice to read and makes second (and third, and fourth) reading sooooo much more entraining and satisfying <3333. Like Oc and Mijoo are drunk and we get a snip at what happened freshman year, there were other hints previously but this just makes the reader WANT to know what the f* went down. And it makes up for Mijoo betrayal, it’s a nice way of explaining why OC « brushed » over her betrayal, we know that she was there in such a hard time for OC and yes it really builds the suspense around that whilst portraying Mijoo as more than the fake BFF who betrayed, I love that.

I love the way you use the word ‘ugly’ and how it’s very often associated with jealousy.

I want to address how much I adore your side characters and sub-plots. Like all of them are so likable (even Somin) and feel like genuine people with their own complex thoughts, seriously your characterization is out of this world! (special shout-out to Yoongi who is spot-ON imo). Like, I want to hangout with these people and be their friends. 

ALso I feel like we are really starting to see Jk and OC’s chemistry (unrelated to being evil little matchmaker) and it’s SOOOOOO good, it feels so natural and seeing them slowly slide into a romantic relationship (don’t tell Jk) seems like the most  natural thing (+ everyone thinking they are actually together and honestly they are)

"Hey so you like kick around a ball or whatever?" I love your humor I genuinely laughed at this 

"Balls?" he says pointedly.” Same here

"Who are you talking about?" Jungkook asks in confusion, "I don't have a—ah you mean ___?" You sure didn’t think for long jk 👀👀and you didn’t even deny it 👀👀👀and you came as soon as being asked 👀👀👀👀👀👀sus 

"Beats me," he whispers back, "I didn't even know we had a soccer team until this week!"LMAOOOOOOOOO

Chapter 5 :

The foreshadowing with Bang telling JK he is worried about his performance !! That’s why I love this fic so much! EVERYTHING is here, nothing happens out of the blue, you just have to pay attention to things to see things coming and not in a predictable but rather gratifying way.

The scene where OC hugs JK ? a masterpiece. I don’t know what more to say about it, it’s one of those things that touch on such a level that deconstructing it feels impossible and would break the spell, the intimacy I felt between the two of them and the stark contrast with Hyejin are perfect to characterize their relationship. Feels natural behind closed doors but lacking the words to clarify what they are, especially when faced with other people, and themselves. I L O V E it.

“you watch Taehyung roll around in the grass with his high-tech camera” don’t know why this is so funny to me but it is 

"Are we not speaking the same language right now?!" Jungkook barks into the receiver, "Are you fucking high?" The fact that he barks it makes it even funnier

Chapter 6 :

Oc’s conversation with Taehyung about hookup culture (and her behavior at large) just SCREAM ‘I have had such a terrible experience with love before that I cannot even begin to think about letting it happen again otherwise I will never love again’ and it HURTS. But! The way she approaches things with such maturity and is so in touch with her feelings is simply admirable. 

When OC is caught between Hoseok and JK at the party !!! It’s so frustrating but in the best  way possible because they got soooo close to actually talking things out clearly and making things better but their pride and whatever got in the way and we know it! JK and Oc I love y’all but also you’re so stupid. (Also it’s exactly what I was talking about in my ‘misunderstanding each others’ part. I feel like this is during this chapter that they really start to fuck up the communication because that’s the chapter where it becomes abundantly clear that feeeeelings are starting to get into the mix, they both try to distract themselves (unconsciously or not) with someone else, HYejin and Hoseok, and miserably fails. 

Also the domesticity!! That’s cute and fluffy and I’m blushing like I’m 12 year old again. 

“You’re right, » he says « I have to get more creative” I have said that Taehyung is hands down the funniest character here ?

"I want someone to choose me," you admit in a small voice, "I want someone to fall for my personality—to love me because of my hot temper and annoying disobedience, not in spite of it. I want this person to be surrounded by prettier, nicer, sweeter girls, but still seek me out… I'd rather them fall for my personality first, then settle for superficial traits like my lacking appearance… Is that really too much to ask?" Once again, thanks for calling me out also I’m crying this is one of the best paragraphs you have written

“He's like a character from a 1950's romance novel stepped off the page” Oc sweetheart remember something else about the 50’s 👀👀 Like ... the sexism ?

“The moon is high in the sky at this point of night, not shrouded by dark clouds for once, and illuminating the entire rooftop with its luminous silvery gleam. But for some reason, it seems like all the moonlight concentrates into a single beam on Hoseok, surrounding him in a brilliant white halo. You swallow tightly and drop your gaze as though burned.” The imagery here is beautiful and I like that you associated him with the moon when he is usually the sun 

"Oh, honey… You don't have to pretend to be strong in front of me." And there goes my heart.

"Did you think I was going to let her sleep on the streets or something?" is his sarcastic reply.You roll your eyes, "Thanks, Yoongi." We love character development (their friendship is so endearingly funny)

"Right… But um… what happened after the game on Saturday… uh…" A blush suddenly suffuses his cheeks, coloring his skin a lovely shade of rose, "I… I just wanted to—""Ah, that's right. There's another game next week," you hastily steer the conversation away, terrified by what he might say. "Don't worry, I'll be there too. I really need to start writing this article.""Oh, right… That's exactly what I was going to say," he says, awkwardly scratching the back of his head.” I want to slap some sense in these idiots’ heads 

"Yeah, but the problem is that I don’t want to." I am S C R E E C H I N G

Chapter 7 :

The scene where they wake up together and he smiles and calls her pretty and the misunderstanding scene makes me want to slap them you belated idiots

SO MUCH things happen in this chapter and I think it’s one of my favorite!! I have to say that the scene where OC protests against the date auction and faces the resistance of her sorority hit close to home. It’s always so heartbreaking to see fellow girls complying to sexism. 

Also also, feminist JK keeps me up at night. Fuck yeah. (You know the lisa simpson meme with the orange juice, that’s me with feminist JK, give me MORE of that. 

Also, her performance : I C O N I C

"You're just exclusive fuck buddies… Even though you don't do casual sex and Jungkook doesn't do exclusive. It totally doesn't feel like you're hiding your feelings." My thought exactly Mijoo

“Staying so guarded might protect you from pain… But it'll also protect you from any happiness." *Slow clapping*

“Why would you go for someone who doesn't see your worth? You deserve to be with someone picks you out in a sea of people. Who likes you the best." 👀👀👀

"…Do not resuscitate… Got it," you solemnly note.” You’re so funnyykekzldk

“You aggressively bid from backstage, even as Taehyung motions for you to get lost” I laughed out loud at this

« sold » HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJIfhehfqenfoneqlfnqdkfncqefnlmzfkbnrdbfksvm kjnefkenfe hAAAAH ????!!! flefnekf HIIII ç!!!!ç!uj

Chapter 8 :

I’m sorry there is not much commentary about this one but I can for the life of me read it with a critical eye since I’m too caught up in the suspense and the fact that a million things are happening, the only thing I can think about is that your fiction, although it is a college AU is so versatile and you touch on so many other genre (here : sport) and manage to successfully make every single one enthralling and further your plot!

“Maybe if I had lost, you would've hugged me again." HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIJZKELMLDIZPEKDLEBDLLDKKEJ 

"Please, ___. Please don't go."But sheer panic flashes in his eyes when you attempt to shake him loose. "Don't leave me," he croaks out in desperation, "Please, ___. Don't leave me…"Not like she did." Don’t think I’m not seeing what you’re doing here 👀👀

Chapter 9 :

I feel high-key stupid because that’s like the 6th time I read New rules but I just realized that there might be a parallel going on between Jk and OC’s story, it’s obvious with the hints that you’ve sprinkled that something bad happened with JK’s past girlfriend but it’s just now re-reading Oc’s backstory with Jin that I realize that JK might have been in the ‘fucking around to get back/over his ex’ stage of his breakup like OC in the summer Freshman year, which led to him having his fuckboy reputation despite not ‘really’ being one (i.e. him saying that he hates hookup culture when Oc talks about her story)

Also, empathetic, feminist and understanding men make me w*t. 

"Yes," he says, a smile tugging at his lips, "Yes, you did." I sEE YOU 

"I don't know what goes through that fantastical imagination of yours” This might be my favorite line ever

“But you don't move one inch. Because you know Jungkook better than that.” Aaaawwwwwwww

Chapter 10 :

This is some greek tragedy shit right here. Mijoo trying to push OC and Jk because she feels guilty about JImin (she way you write it makes it seem so believable but I can’t decide if it’s true or not because we are seeing Oc’s perspective here and she knows she actually crushed on Jimin while Mijoo doesn’t, which would be a huge factor in her pushing OC towards JK) and also because she is the only one with a brain? Oc refusing to believe it and opposing semi-logical semi-bullshit arguments to convince Mijoo and even more herself that this isn’t happening because she heard JK talking to Hyejin ? Jk saying that because he’s an insecure asshole (and also very probably because of his ex girlfriend wink wink) whilst acting like the most belated man, ever ? Na a TRAGEDY!!!!!

Also, the entire speech that Mijoo gives, everything she says ???? A punch to the GUTS! ! ! 

THEY NEVER UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER THEY CONSTANTLY THINK THE WRONG THING I WANT TO TIE THEM TO A CHAIR AND FORCE THEM TO ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING (in a oh god HOW are they going to fix this and finally come to an understanding of each other kind of way)

He finally breathes when she says his name I’m :(((((((((

“it wasn’t fun” Love how this simple line implies that Mijoo and Jimin have problems and arguments of their own and makes them feel like human beings who have a life outside of the story.

“Or was your image of him so perfect and unrealistic that you couldn't tolerate these humanizing details?" Ouch!

"You're only pushing Jungkook on me to ease your guilt for stealing Jimin away from me!" I don’t have the words to explain the way I felt when I first read this line except : oh fuck. Goosebumps. Literal goosebumps.

"I like him," you abruptly confess, your soft voice breaking through the tense silence the same way the brilliant meteors abruptly burst across the darkness of night. "I like him so much." Masterpiece 

“It's equally horrifying and an absolute relief to finally admit this deeply harbored secret after so long. After all these months of repression, it feels like a dam has burst with the way your emotions come tumbling out, threatening to choke you and sweep you underwater.” I said MASTERPIECE ! !

“Mijoo," you gasp, "What do I do?" Im crying. This isn’t a figure of speech. This isn’t an exaggeration. I’m crying. This entire scene is so powerful 

“You know your role. You're just the side character—the best friend or comic relief. You have no right to even dream about a life by Jungkook's side—much less to feel this amount of pain and jealousy seeing him with another girl” .... talk about being relatable 

“The loud electronic beat is pulsing through your veins with the same painful intensity of the tequila beating against the soft tissue of your brain. You feel like you’re being consumed by the powerful sensations… and yet, it's not enough to protect you from the helpless thoughts drifting across your mind, no matter how much you try to ward them back.” You really shine when it comes to making me cry 

"Can't you just let me be petty and sulk for once?" Baby :(

“How could you have misinterpreted the situation so horrifically?” Well we have this saying in French that goes : love makes you fucking blind 

“At this point of night, the moon has fully risen overhead, and its silvery rays cast down across the ocean, illuminating everything in white-gold. Awed, you can't help admiring the way the moonbeams kiss the top of Jungkook's black hair and the angles of his face, sheathing his figure like a cold halo.The waves continue to beat against the sandy beach like clockwork, and you  sway with them, as though lost in a rhythmic dance lulled by the force of the moon. Your thundering pulse acts as a metronome in this dance, pounding away at a dozen beats per each drag across the shore. You are cold. So cold that you've lost all feeling in your hands and legs. But for some reason, you don't feel the need to shiver anymore.” <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

“Could it have possibly been a defense mechanism? Was he just trying to protect himself in advance?” We are making PROGRESS

"Why is everything about sex with you?" HE SAID! AS IF HE WANS’T ABOUT TO DO WHAT HE IS AVOUT TO DO AND MAKE IT ABOUT SEX I HATE THIS MF

Chapter 11 :

My heart is non existent.The way Oc swallows her feelings to protect Yerin and stands up for her ❤️

I want to thank you for introducing a gay character in your story also Yoongi is one of the most interesting character in the story.

The way everything is slowly coming to a conclusion and every piece of the puzzle settles in the right place is so damn satisfying UGH

The scene where OC confronts Jk is so fucking satisfying, a masterpiece, 10/10, everything I wanted to hear come out of her mouth, my girl knows what’s up and won’t let this fucker get away with it.

"I've told you since day one that I'm not that kind of guy. God, can you even imagine me in a relationship?" he says with a derisive snort that feels like a punch to your stomach, "Did you honestly think that you could trap me into one with sex, ___? Or with a kiss? Come on. Get real." Your insecurities are showing asshole

"I hope you get over this soon, ___," he tells you in a sincere tone, "So we can get back to the way things were." Fight me in a parking lot salopard de merde

“Well, at least you've learned your lesson now.” I had to take a pause after this part 

"What if they were my parents?" he asks in a quiet voice, "My siblings? My community back home? The people I love most in this world? What would you have me do then?" As a closeted bisexual this one hit close to home

“But Yoongi turns to you with an incredulous look, "You can't be serious. Anyone with eyes could tell that Kook is completely whipped for you. Where is this coming from?” Yoongi is my man 

"You're a fucking coward." My thoughts exactly

Chapter 12 :

Getting through this chapter without crying is genuinely hard..All the girls standing up for themselves and not taking shit for the shitty men in their lives ???? YES PLEAse. And thank you for not only that but also including the girls that the story pushed us not to like that much up until now like Hyejin and Somin when really they were going through the same things as the holy trinity of best girls OC, Mijoo and Yerin. 

I have… mixed feelings and I feel like these feelings are exactly what OC has been feeling all along with the conflict between her beliefs and her heart. I wanted them to go through this and by being « willing » JK would have eventually just realized everything and stuff  because I love romance and shit. But I also want OC to get what she deserves, and it’s not that. I want them to have this happy ever after end but I feel like we won’t get that before long because as Hyejin pointed out, JK clearly needs to grow the fuck up.

"Oh, ___," she sighs your name.” Don’t mind me I’ll be crying over there 

“For a split second, you consider feigning ignorance. It would be so damn easy to laugh along with him and continue living this lie of being the cool, sporty tomboy who doesn't care about stupid "girly" things. After all, Hoseok isn't a bad guy. He's so handsome, popular, and kind. And he likes you. Someone actually likes you. Isn't that better than being alone? For a split second, you're tempted to grab his hand and flash him an award-winning smile. For a split second, you contemplate giving up all your morals and living a life of comfort with this lovely, charismatic man.” I love you so much for writing this

"Sexist?" he repeats in horror, "The fuck are you talking about?! I'm no sexist!" You’ve perfectly channeled the  and OC’s entire speech to him should be taught in school 

"We're just in different places right now," you inform him in a small voice, "It'll never work out, so please don't make this harder than it needs to be." I’m dying but also proud, producing

"I think I'll channel Somin and cut the toxicity out of my life." Attagirl 

To wrap up this overly long review, I want to say thank you to Tayegi for writing this piece and feeling generous enough to share it with us, reading this story and seeing the plot unravel, characters be introduced and developed was a true privilege. I rarely connect with the « reader » in reader fics and just say a random name in my head (or even 'your name ») but here, here… Never have I been so close to actually feeling like I’m the one in the fiction, not for the romance but for the way she is portrayed, for her ideas and how hard it is to stand by them sometimes, for her past and traumas. New rules is a masterpiece, and the fact that I connected to it on such a personal level, which, arguably could cloud my judgement, doesn’t make it any less.

[ais-n]

Same anon as before x) I've started to reread the DC version book 1. I also stopped to compare the changes from the original website version. Was there a reasoning behind why you decided to cut out a lot of Hsin's interaction with the bar owner Jessica? Like his mutual physical interest in her and the kiss ect? Was it influenced in any way by fan opinions?

Hi again! <3 + :D

This is where I was like “Oh I bet I misunderstood that other question” lol Sorry again about that if I did, or sorry again if I didn’t and thought I did XD

Ok so for the purposes of lessening confusion (and yes, I am aware I am the sole reason it became so confusing haha) I’m going to take “original website version” to reference what we currently call “Original Evenfall” aka the pdf/ebook you can download for free at aisylum.com/project/icos. That is in comparison to the “edited” version aka Director’s Cut aka DC. So when I say original/DC that’s what I’m referencing. Hope that helps/isn’t confusing and makes sense.

With the whole DC edit, full disclosure: the whole reason that came about was 1) we felt like there were parts of the first book especially that definitely needed a lot of editing to flow better and make sense, but also 2) we had been discussing how it would be cool to eventually get them printed in book format somehow for physical copies. 

We agreed on this; what we had different views on was how to go about it. Me being wordy ass me, I thought we should just edit/add/whatever as made sense for the story, and pay zero attention to the word count itself. “Sonny” specifically went into it wanting us to cut a percentage of the word count in order to make it more of a “normal” sized book, which should help with physical publishing and maybe getting new readers, etc. I forget what ‘his’ goal was - I think the goal was to cut 33% of the word count out or something? 25%? I just remember I thought it was way too large a percentage because I’m wordy af lol

Anyway we split the book in half more or less and each of us was responsible for trying to cut things down as much as possible while maintaining the story etc. I ended up having most of Monterrey because I wanted to update Jorge and all that. But because of the way the story is written, things changed in the early part of the book would affect the way things were done in the later half of the book.

From what I recall, we both felt the Jessica parts were a bit over-dramatic at times and maybe detracted from the story. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that when we had the book in context of the rest of DC editing, the way Jessica was handled stood out too much if it remained the Original Evenfall way in the midst of the DC editing. So that ended up getting changed a decent amount. I honestly can’t remember who changed it but it doesn’t really matter since ultimately no matter what one person changed, the other had to agree it was okay or they were okay enough with that change before we published it.

I think at the time we were trying to make things flow better, which meant lessening some of the drama which also affected a bit how Hsin interacted with people and how Boyd responded to those interactions. It’s possible that was the right choice, I don’t know.

But in retrospect, I’m not sure that the change did any favors for Boyd. His story always was very specifically built piece by piece to show why he reacts how he does at different points in the story. He was hella insecure and full of self-doubt and jealous and just emotional in general over the whole Jessica thing because of the way that was first written, and that built into why he does or doesn’t do certain things not only in the rest of Evenfall, but also into Afterimage and even Interludes. 

We were initially thinking that after we did Evenfall DC we would DC the rest of the books, so the thinking was we could smooth out some of those things in later books. But since those DC versions never happened, it just ends up making Boyd seem particularly melodramatic at times in later scenes, if a person hasn’t read the original and only read DC. Which then I think led into the way some readers viewed everything going on especially in Afterimage and Interludes. By the time Fade rolls around, it ends up mostly evening out and being pretty consistent across the board in how readers view things, but I think some of those changes in DC ended up being detrimental to the flow of the story in the context of only having one DC book instead of all 4 DC books flowing together using the same points of reference and building off those.

So, generally - we probably changed Jessica thinking that it made more sense at that time in context of the way the rest of the scenes were written, but that wasn’t thinking in terms of being in context of the way everything was written in later books. So now some things Hsin does or thinks later, or Boyd does or thinks later, or even other people do/think later, seem more melodramatic or odd than they need to be. I think we thought we were doing a good job of keeping the key points needed, and generally we did in terms of plot - like, Jessica As A Possible Rival is still a thing, but it’s less imminent of a feeling because Hsin’s reactions aren’t as intense or whatever as they had been the first time, which is like a little ripple going down the line affecting other things we didn’t realize.

In the end, I’m still glad we made the DC version - it’s super fun having a physical copy, and there are some parts of that version I like a lot, that didn’t show in the original version. New scenes we wrote, or characters we got to expand on. But because “Sonny” had gone into it specifically wanting a specific amount of words cut, we did also cut some scenes out in order to more meet that goal, or adjust the way some scenes were written. And then on top of that, just editing anything will affect the way other stuff is written in that book. Since Boyd especially as a narrator/person is so much built on cause and effect, action and consequence, I tried to keep the spirit of that intact in the DC version but I think I failed in some parts and didn’t realize it at the time or just was so tired of editing I was like “Fuck it; let’s just go with this... It will never be perfect, so this can be good enough.”

By the way, I’m not blaming “Sonny” for this or anything - I’m just mentioning the whole word count thing because it was a thing we didn’t really agree on, but it ended up becoming the shared goal because it was the easiest way to move forward, and because I thought maybe there was enough repetition in the narration it would end up being a moot point. I was all for editing and cutting out unnecessary stuff, I just got hung up on the idea of having to meet a quota for it. I just didn’t want that to be part of the goal; I just wanted the goal to be improving the story as a whole. 

But on the other hand, because we had that specific goal, we may have gone about editing a bit differently, like writing new scenes that combined plot points from other disparate scenes. And I like some of those new scenes a lot. So it probably works out in the end, it just means there’s a lot of give and take when comparing the two versions. 

Ultimately, it probably makes sense for someone who likes the series to read both versions, if they are up to it, to really get an idea of everything that was written as happening in canon, even though that canon at times is a bit opposed to each other between versions.

Which is probably a super confusing way of going about things and no doubt is a super confusing answer - but hopefully it made sense in some form ^^;

[sense-sans-sensibility]

Thought of the Day 7/9/19

I recently watched a Youtube video of a guy discussing why some really intelligent kids struggle in school and others excel without even trying. There are a lot of reasons, but this argument piqued my interest.

Now. I'm going to try to simplify the thing and remove it from the MBTI source lens because: (Edit: oh hell, I wrote a novel instead. Sorry everyone.)

1.) I'm definitely NOT an MBTI expert.

2.) I dont want to make this insular and

3.) The guy has a really good point and great ideas but he hella rambles on and it was hard to follow, lol. (Sorry guy, I still liked your video and it meant a lot to me!)

This is speaking specifically about "Introverted Thinkers" versus "Extroverted Thinkers." There are other ways of rationalizing, but we are focusing on these for the purpose of our argument.

I'm going to use "Needs Details" and "Needs Conclusions" instead cause its more descriptive.

American school systems (at least) are set up perfectly for the student who only needs the conclusion and hinder the student who needs details.

For example: A teacher says "this is this."

- The Conclusion seeker only cares that the teacher wants that answer, whether the fact is correct or not. They don't need to understand why "this is this" to get that A+. Results oriented!

- The Detail seeker, however, needs tangential information. If they can't make sense of the Where, Why, Who, What, When, they cannot absorb or produce an answer. They need to build a scaffold of related information to triangulate the answer because they do not use a simple database to store or interact with information.

It doesn't help that the detail seeker is more interested in how to organize the knowledge in that scaffolding in order to relate to and understand other knowledge than they are in producing one answer for a teacher.

I might analogize it this way: Teacher holds up some objects, bounces them and says "these are rubber balls" to the class.

- The seeing student is good to go. Things that look like this and bounce must be rubber balls. 

- But the blind student must experiment with it: hold it, hear it, smell it, (and well.. I wouldn't lick it, but whatever you need to do, buddy, I support you.) in order to recognize a rubber ball in the future.

Furthermore the blind person, in testing the objects, might realize. Oh, this ball is smoother than this other one, is it not the same? They will need to ask why there is a difference in order to understand why they're both considered "rubber balls". ("oh, that's actually a polymer ball, it is made of different materials but it acts the same way and has the same use. We call it a ‘rubber’ ball because rubber balls came first and has become a concept of its own. Oh ok.")

In a balanced world, blindness wouldn't be considered a disability, just an aspect. Not all places of society or nature can accommodate everything a blind person needs perfectly. But neither can it for that seeing person: the person who assumes "bouncy ball" might one day pick up a glass one and shatter it in their hand without thinking because they don't have that scaffolding of experience and understanding to pull from. I think they call this kind of disability the "Darwin Awards."

That is not to say I think these people are stupid. I mention it because this is a way in which society and nature do not accommodate these people.

Society is a construct that determines what is "stupid" and what is "disabled" and nature is generally incapable of caring one way or another. 

Recap:

A conclusion seeker only needs results to move forward and learns efficient strategies to get to these results.

A detail seeker wants to build their understanding so they can make sense of their world. They feel there are many conclusions to be had, not all of them are right/wrong, all may be important at some point, and most of them are found along the journey.

Both of these methods of reasoning are absolutely legitimate and excellent! There are advantages to both! And it is an extremely rare person who can manage both individually so it's important that they support each other for strength.

Getting into another area of this:

Many Neurodivergent and Disabled people tend to be detail people, whether by nature or nurture. What they are able to give to the world is often measured critically against the resources they need to take for accommodation, or ignored outright for efficiency's sake. But the things they CAN provide can be monumental and extremely important to success and progress. (They don’t NEED to provide these (results) in order to deserve accommodations. Their experience alone adds to that collective scaffolding)

The point however, is that schools and businesses are increasingly prioritizing one over the other. "Results results results. Progress is measured by results" (tests, bottom lines). "We only need ENOUGH details to get by." (most K-12 academics and corporate business.)

Oftentimes detail seekers aren't considered as important as the guys who make results; they tend to be undervalued even when they are lauded. Recognition does not pay the bills, Plaques and trophies are only a burden when you have no place to put them. Generally speaking, Details prevent losses and Conclusions produce revenue. They aren't mutually exclusive! They're. BOTH. Important. Together!

So if you're struggling in school, keep this in mind. Don’t be afraid to direct and specialize your interest. If you're doing really well in school, please keep this in mind too!

If you help to accommodate our need for structure and data, our slow, ambling walk toward your conclusion where we stop to catch our breath for a moment, smell and categorize all the roses, we'll help you... not get glass stuck in your hand if you keep us around I guess.

Kidding. We'll take care of the "boring bits" so you don’t have to and you can borrow our scaffolding if you find yourself falling off that tightrope you walk on so well.

Here’s that video if you want it: https://youtu.be/nxt-DZdVNm4

[writingfordamienandshayne]

A Puzzling Time

“I really love this picture.” Damien said, sitting at his desk. 

You walked over to where he was sitting to look over his shoulder. He held up his phone so you could see. It was a picture of the two of you at the most recent Summer Games. You were both in your swim suits on the beach and he was picking you up bridal style. You both smiled wide at the camera. 

“Oh yeah! Me too! You should post it.” You patted his shoulder before going back to your desk. 

“Cool, I will!” He smiled at his phone as he edited the picture to post on his Instagram.

Smosh had just put up the first videos for the new Summer Games so it was perfect timing for all of you to start posting your picture to promote it. 

You decided to scroll through your photos to post a few. You smiled at pictures of you with Mari and Boze. But, most of your pictures were with Damien. You and Damien in your team shirts, you and Damien in your swimsuits. Ever since you joined Smosh you became inseparable even making Shayne a little jealous. It was just easier to be together since you both were apart of Smosh Games. 

As you finished scrolling you decided on picture of you and Damien back-to-back with finger guns and Boze, Mari, and you touching each other’s butts in a line. 

“I posted some too.” you called to Damien. 

You went back to your photos and looked at more pictures. The truth was in the time you had been working at Smosh you grew to really like Damien. You spent so much time together and had so much in common, it was hard not to. 

You had to push those feeling down though, since relationships among coworkers was strictly off limits. It made sense, but still sucked. Those feelings were cause for many nights laying awake thinking about Damien. 

“Do you remember what we’re filming today?” Damien spun around in his seat and shot it closer to your desk. 

“Just a meeting today, Damien.” You faced him and rolled your eyes. He was always so forgetful. 

“Ok,” Matt Raub stood up from his seat at the conference table, “I was looking back at the videos people liked the most deciding if we should do sequels. The April Fools joke with Damien doing the puzzle had the most requests. I think to add some entertainment we should have someone in there with him, Y/N, that cool?” 

“Um, what? You want Damien and I to sit and do a puzzle?” You were shocked, sitting alone in a room with Damien?

“Yeah, however, this time I think we will let the time run until you’re finished so that it’s more climactic. Sound good guys?” 

“Yes! Another person! I won’t be bored out of my mind!” Damien grabbed your hand and waved it around. Your heart picked up the pace. 

“Yeah, sounds good.” The words stuck in your throat but no one noticed over Damien’s excitement. 

“Ok, so Matt said that everything should be set up for us just like last time, if you saw the video.” 

“Yeah, I skimmed it, heard you pee.” you smiled. You had put your mind at ease by reminding yourself that it was just Damien, even though you were in love with him, he was still your best friend.

“It’ll be fun to just hangout all day, and I won’t be lonely.” 

“Excellent.” you pushed open the door into the filming space. One camera was set up facing the table. The recording light was red and blinking. 

Damien snatched the mic packs off the tables. “I’ll mic you if you mic me.” He held out one and you grabbed it from his hand. Your fingertips brushing his wrist.

You clipped it to his shirt snacking the pack down his shirt and clipping it to his belt. 

“Perfect your turn.” He clipped the mic to your shirt standing closer, closer than you were to him. You could feel his breath. He touched your neck as he slipped the back down your shirt lifting the hem, his hands brushing your back causing you to shiver. 

“Sorry, I’m ticklish there.” You began to blush as you turned around, Damien still standing close. 

“Oh you are?” You had no time to notice the devilish grin on his face before he began tickling your sides and backs. 

“Damien! Stop!” You danced out of his touch bumping into the table. 

“Ok, ok, let’s get serious.” 

You both sat down getting into the zone to introduce the video and show off the puzzle. Matt had picked out a Legend of Zelda puzzle for you both to put together. 

“Alright, so we got here a 1,000 piece puzzle. You ready to spend the next four hours putting this bad boy together, Y/N?” Damien was in full video mode. 

“Umm, I guess.” you feigned annoyance for the camera but smiled at Damien. 

Damien dumped out the pieces and you immediately got in the zone. You looked for all the edge piece while Damien flipped them over. 

“She is in the zone.” Damien smiled as you found your fifth edge. “I’m still flipping, the picture is important too.” 

“Mmmmhhmm, that’s why you finished last time.” You laughed at your joke. 

“Hey, I only had an hour.” 

“Yeah, that's the reason. I’m about to smoke you at this puzzle.” 

“How can you ‘smoke me’? This is a group effort.” 

“Group effort as I smoke you!” You said, as you found more edge pieces. 

“Alright, alright.” He laughed an continued flipping over pieces.

You sat in silence for a while, concentrating on connecting the two edges you had put together. Damien finally spoke, “So, in case you don’t know, viewers, Y/N is a professional puzzle putter togetherer.” 

You laughed reaching for piece just as Damien was. You brushed hands causing your ears to redden as you both moved your hands back. 

“Sorry, go ahead.” you motioned for him to grab his piece. 

“No, you first, I insist.” He said, you thought you noticed a bit of color around his cheeks. 

“Ok.” You grabbed your piecing thinking, was Damien blushing? Was he blushing from touching my hand? We’ve touched a million times? 

You went back to silence, you thinking about what had just happened. Why do I feel so different about him? Maybe I should just put it out there. 

“Damien.” You broke the silence causing him to jump. 

“What’s up?” He said in his funny way. 

You looked at him for a long moment forgetting about the camera, forgetting about the video. Your best friend, someone you had spent almost all of your time with, at work and free time. His face was beautiful, something you had begun to notice slowly over time. Then it hit you, summer games had changed everything. It was then you realized you loved him. You had spent the entire week together, taking evening walks  away from the group to decompress. 

“Are you ok?” He touched your hand bringing you back. 

“Damien, I really like you, more than just friends and I didn't realize until now that I had these feelings for you. They just developed over summer games and I’m not sure what to do.” you blurted it out. You felt better until you looked over and saw the camera trained on you. 

Damien was quiet, looking at the camera above and across from you. Until he finally touched your hand again. “Y/N, I feel the same way, but I love this job. I just don't know if I want to risk it.” 

You nodded your head. Tears forming, stinging your eyes. You dropped your head unable to look at him, knowing this moment would be seen by the editors. 

“I, I need, I don’t...” You stood up from the table ripping your mic off. “I just need,” You didn't know what else to say, the embarrassment burned your cheeks. You turned and walked out of the studio. 

Damien sat, glued to his spot staring at the camera. 

“Fuck.” He rested his head in his hands before standing up to take off his mic. 

You walked past everyone and into the bathroom. You stood at the sink with your head down when you heard the door open behind you. 

“Y/N, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” Damien was behind you his voice low. 

“You didn’t hurt my feeling. It just sucks.” You wanted to say more but didn't know what. 

“I know. I know how I feel about you but I also know how I feel about this job.” He had moved closer and was now standing right in front of you holding your waist. “I love this job. I’m just so conflicted.” 

“I’m not.” This job meant everything to you but there was always another one. There would never be another Damien. “I want to be with you. And if that means I have to quit I will.” 

“I don’t want you to do that though.” He put his hands on your shoulders, looking you in the face. 

“It’s not up to you, Damien.” You grabbed his hands and held them. You stood there a moment letting the happiness of the moment over take you. Damien stepped closer closing the gap. 

“I don’t want you to regret this.” His nose was touching yours. 

“I won’t.” You put your lips on his. You both leaned in your mouths moving with each others. “I’m going to go talk to Matt Raub and tell him I’m going to leave.” 

“Maybe we can keep it a secret for a while.” Damien looked desperate. 

“I don't want to do that. I want to be with you in front of the people I love most. I don't want to hide.” 

“If this is what you want I’ll come with you to talk to him.” He didn't let go of your hand but leaned in for one more kiss. 

“Alright, are you ready?” Damien and you had gone back into the Board AF studio to talk about what you were going to say to Matt and call around to find you some possible jobs. 

“I think so.” You got up and headed for the door. You both had also talked about your relationship status and how you both knew the friendship had turned into much more over Summer Games. 

You both walked over to Matt’s office and tentatively knocked on the door. 

“Come in!” 

You pushed open the door and peered in, coaching yourself in the back of your mind. 

“Hey Matt can we talk to you for a second?” Your voice was serious causing the smile on Matt’s face to disappear. 

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you guys supposed to be filming?” He closed his laptop. 

“That’s kinda what we wanted to talk about.” You and Damien stepped into his office and closed the door behind you. You took a deep breath before speaking. 

“Damien and I kind of ruined the shoot today.” You began just as Damien had coached. 

“Ok?” Matt looked confused. 

“We wanted to tell you that I will no longer be working here. I’m quitting. Damien and I want to be together and we know that as coworkers that isn't allowed.” You had grabbed Damien’s hand while talking. “I already called around to a few places and there may be work for me. Not in front of the camera but doing other stuff.” You looked up at Matt. You had been staring at the ground unable to meet his eye. “Also, we didn't finish the puzzle. I’m sorry.” You looked back down at the ground as tears formed in your eyes. Damien gave your hand a squeeze. 

“Well, I have to say that this really isn't a surprise.” Matt laughed and you looked up shock on both of your faces. “We’ve all kind of noticed.” 

You and Damien looked at each other. 

“We were all kind of wondering when it would happen. So I decided that you two alone in a room would make a great video. I am a little disappointed we probably won’t be able to post it.” 

“I’m so confused.” You let go of Damien’s hand. 

“Yeah, me too.”

“Well, I mean, you make it so obvious. Late night strolls, going off together all the time.” Everyone knows. “And, Y/N, you don't have to quit. We’ve actually been throwing around some couple videos that might be funny.” He was looking something up on his computer as he spoke. 

“WHAT?” You and Damien shouted in unison. 

“Yeah, sit down we can talk about it.” 

“So, I don’t have to quit?” 

“No, sit down.” 

You looked at Damien and jumped into his arms. 

“Save it for the videos!” Matt had a smile on his face. 

[strangesmallbard]

Hi, is an anon prompt ok? I am so excited you've been writing for Julie/Hecate. Would like to prompt: Julie/Hecate, slow dancing.

On their seventh tea (not that Hecate has been keeping count), Julie finds her Walkman. Hecate meant to vanish the thing hours ago, when she meant to finish an updated edition of Flores et Radices and instead, nodded off halfway through a heated corrective annotation on the transference enhancement properties of fibrous roots. She never nods off. She blames a certain Founding Stone, its occurrence a year ago notwithstanding.

She could blame a certain slightly smaller Hubble, but well. She completed her assignment with above average marks. Broken Potions Lab window and missing desk. Not. Withstanding.

Now, Julie is cross legged on her arm chair, inspecting the silver box with a curious half-smile. Curiosity never produces anything beneficial. “I didn’t know they recorded audiobooks in Latin.” She waves Flores et Radices before carefully replacing it on the table.

Hecate clears her throat, determined not to feel her collar bunching up warm around her neck. By Julie’s wrist she can see the engraved HB in the Walkman’s strange silver metal and a tiny, garishly tiny pink heart. “It’s…” She could vanish it away, but that would make the curiosity only grow. “…a record of my ingredient findings. That is all.”

Julie’s eyes widen. Her curious smile turns mischievous at the corners and Hecate knows, without a glimmer of a precious doubt, that she just made the worst mistake of her life.

She turns the thing in her hand–Hecate watches the tiny heart spin around and around in same rhythm as her own stupid organ–and watches Hecate’s face with unfathomable scrutiny. “I’ve seen your actual collections journal, remember? You leant me L-O last week. Beautiful art work, by the way.” She shakes the box again. “Ooh, Fleetwood Mac? Had a roommate once who thought Stevie was a real Witch. I thought she was barking mad, but maybe…”

“I don’t make art work,” Hecate says, and vanishes the Walkman away without another thought. “If I didn’t properly render the drawi–” she purses her lips and pulls her brows in. She ignores Julie’s pointed and unfairly amused stare. “If I don’t have an accurate depiction of this year’s collections, the results could be disastrous,” she says, dropping the words off quieter than she means to.

Julie’s hand closes over her palm like a venus fly trap. She sighs and drops it, picks up her tea at last. “I suppose maglets don’t have a camera option,” she says. She furrows her brow, and takes a quick sip. “Have the girls seen your journals?”

Hecate carefully takes her seat, beckons her cup off the saucer. “The girls each have a copy of The Complete Guide to Potionalogical Flora for a reason. My work is always in progress and would prove most confusing for a learning Witch.”

Julie’s stare morphs into an entirely confusing smile. “I would have been so angry with you if I found out you could draw before you started letting Millie draw in class.”

“Draw ingredients,” Hecate says, feeling her lips twitch up. “Not unruly familiars.”

Julie rolls her eyes, and shifts in her seat. “It’s art, HB! You’ve got shading and lighting and color scheme. There’s no way around it.”

“Yes,” Hecate takes a sip. “How dare a flower look precisely like a flower.”

Julie throws an arm up. “You’re…You…!”

“I am indeed me, Nurse Hubble. I suppose an Ordinary medical education would teach you how to point out the very obvious,” Hecate quips, and oh why does she want to smile. This just doesn’t add up. They’re arguing, are they not? They always argue. It’s something they– Why does she keep blinking like an idiotic owl, and–

Julie laughs. Loud and so very bright. It should grate and it doesn’t, and Hecate’s neck suddenly feels very warm. “Not Stevie, then.”

Hecate blinks again. “What?”

She points with her cup. “Beethoven, yeah? Equally dramatic, but not something you’d hear at a pub after four in the morning, when the riff-raff moves on.” She chuckles and shifts her legs up, tucks them underneath her. “Regular pubs anyway. As if those are any fun. Am I off, Miss Hardbroom?”

This now familiar action tugs at the weight on Hecate’s chest. “If you want a Beethoven fan, do feel free to spend the evening with Miss Bat.”

Julie smiles again, disarmingly. “I’m close, aren’t I?”

Hecate hums. “No,” she says. “I don’t listen to Wizards.”

Julie stares. “Beethoven…is…?”

Hecate feels laughter burble up like indigestion. “Yes, a Wizard. In fact,” her voice warbles, and she folds her hands in front of her in order to steady it. “He was the Great Wizard in 1885, before the Great Fairy Rebellion.”

Julie stares and stares and Hecate stares back without blinking, physically willing her lips to still, straining her forehead with the effort. Julie looks at her cup and starts to say something and closes her mouth before she can say a word and– Scowls. “Oh my god.” She looks back up. “You’re messing with me.”

Hecate’s lips twitch up again, and she lets herself twist her lips up. She waves her hand and the kettle rises from the table. “More tea, Nurse Hubble?”

“Julie,” she murmurs, and breaks into laughter again. She runs a hand through her hair. “Beethoven a bloody…I should have, God.” She looks at her, warm and confusing all over again and Hecate feels the troublesome mirth fade away. No, settle. Into something else. She watches Julie Hubble on her sitting room couch, and feels no need to run. No need to keep arguing and arguing until her mind–

Nothing is knots. It should be the tea, and it’s not the tea. Nothing makes sense.

“Hecate Hardbroom, Artist, Potions Mistress, and Prankster,” she lifts her head on the last word and offers her cup for more tea. “Who knew.”

Hecate can only. Laugh. It becomes an undignified snort. “Who knew,” she says.

By sheer luck, if Hecate believed in such a thing, the last hour of the annual Winter Solstice Dance  is not excruciating. It has backtracked into simply terrible, and well. Hecate is often told she should practice optimism. None of the girls are especially rowdy, everyone is socializing amicably, and Ethel Hallow appears to be avoiding Mildred Hubble at all costs. While Ada still hopes for a friendship, Hecate severely hopes for a strict lack of Code Breaking in the near future.

The ceiling is decorated in a hundred floating paper-mache stars, arranged artfully in real constellations. Artfully. When she was a girl, they were content with simple and elegant Winter Solstice celebrations. A ritual performed by each coven, to honor the new season. None of this modern music with those insufferable lyrics. None of this–

“You know, I think I just saw Dimity dancing with Miss Tapioca.”

Hecate goes warm. She scoffs. “She’s supposed to be chaperoning.”

Julie leans back on the wall with her, arms crossed. She’s wearing a blue shirt with sleeves that flow like a summertime dress. Hecate doesn’t realize she’s staring until she catches Julie’s gaze. She can’t even scowl. Oh, this is terrible. “The pros and cons of a six person staff. We’re all on duty, but we can afford a break or two,” she steps closer along the wall, and grins. “You want some punch while you glower?”

The music changes to a slow, melancholy tune where a woman frankly sings like she’s wailing over a piano. The girls quickly dissipate from the dance floor, and drift towards too many different corners.

Hecate fights a grimace. “It tastes like slug mucus.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Julie says, and uncrosses her arms. “Do you want a cookie, then? Millie tells me they’re actually edible this time. I don’t know if I want to know what that means.”

You here, Hecate thinks and watches her, just you here. The words just stop in her throat, and no matter what, she cannot manage to let them out. Instead, she looks around the room, mindful of who could be watching, that inescapable rumor mill always turning, and steps just a bit closer. She wants to offer a hand, an arm, mention the paper mache stars and constellations, silly, silly things.

“I have something for you,” she says, and clears her throat. She waves her hand and offers a silver container of hot chamomile tea. “I believe you left this in my office last week.”

“Oh my god,” she takes it and opens the lid to a puff of steam. “I could kiss you right now.” She blanches, caught off guard by her own words. “Er, well. Later. Maybe. If you–”

“Yes,” Hecate says and itches to step away, itches to step closer. Her face grows warm and she looks away, looks up at all the floating paper. She clears her throat. “The dance is…nearly…but then, of course, I have rounds.” She takes a deep breath and looks back, finds a hesitance she rarely sees. She lets herself smile. “Afterwards, we can have more tea. Before you have to go.”

Julie grins. “Brilliant! I mean, yes. Afterwards. Chaperoning and slug punch and all of that.” She lifts away from the wall, and takes a sip of her tea. “Thank you, by the way. For this tea. It’s perfect.”

Hecate tries to say You’re welcome and she can already hear it come out high pitched and ridiculous, and so she smiles, quickly, and ducks her head. Inspects her dress sleeve in order to not duck her head after all. A reasonable Witch does not not duck.

The music changes again, turns jaunty and terribly familiar. The girls run back to the dance floor with a cheer and a few too many yells, and Julie turns towards what Felicity Foxglove called, the DJ Booth. She lays a hand on Hecate’s arm. “Is that….?” The lyrics ring out and Hecate lets out a very long sigh. Julie lets go of her arm, and doubles over in laughter. “It is! I can’t believe it.”

She raises a brow. “Pray tell, what is exciting about…ABBA?”

Julie gives a smile that is certainly not glittering. “I danced to Super Trooper at my Prom! With Michael…oh darn, I’ve forgotten the poor idiot’s last name. He ditched me to–hang on.” Julie’s eyebrows raise. “You know them?”

Hecate tilts her head. “They acquired popularity in the Witching World when I was young. I couldn’t walk ten paces out of my room without hearing a song.”

Julie looks at her and leans down to deposit her container of tea. She reaches out a hand. “You know,” she says, softly. “You’re a much better date than Michael Whatever-His-Name even if you don’t want to dance.”

Hecate swallows. She can’t just dance with Julie Hubble at the Winter Solstice Dance, that would be! That would be. That just. She stares at her hand and stares at Ada, dancing with Dimity now, Miss Tapioca laughing at something Davina said, the girls dancing in the middle and laughing and not becoming entombed in ice, running around the room and throwing cookies at each–oh, that’s a detention, Beatrice Bunch–and she catches sight of Mildred, twirling around with Enid and Maud and likely to get a concussion right under their noses and she absolutely. Definitely cannot dance with Julie Hubble.

She takes her hand. It’s warm, from the tea. “A date?” she says, quiet.

She’s pulled forward, out of the shadows, under the paper stars and they’re swaying, hands locked together, not terribly close to the rest of the school, not so close she’s overwhelmed by all that potential chaos and in danger of being pelted by cookies. “Next weekend? After exams are over?” Julie says, and brushes a hand against her shoulder, just for a moment. “If you’d like.”

Hecate’s hands don’t shake. She pulls them the last few steps forward. “Perhaps at a location devoid of slug mucus,” she says, and does not duck her head. “And with real stars.”

Julie smiles, and points up. “So, you’ve been admiring them too, Miss Artbroom?”

Hecate rolls her eyes.

The song ends, and another begins. Something slow to end the evening. Hecate suddenly wishes for– Wants to– Perhaps, to guide Julie’s hand to her shoulder and settle one on her waist. Let their hands clasp and just go, go on without nerves fraying her ends or the school falling apart, just settle onwards and together. She’s never had a reason to dance before, and she must always have a reason. A Witch’s gift is her reason, and sometimes reason isn’t…enough. Sometimes it doesn’t make all the sense it should make. Silly, her mind offers. A waste of time and energy.

“So, ABBA,” Julie starts and lets go of her hands, and shakes her shoulders to the beat. “Are they on your Walkman, then?”

Hecate opts to sway. “‘I’m no fan of a mystery,” she says, curling the corner of her lips up. “But do feel free to keep guessing.”

Julie tries to teach her to shake her shoulders too, and doesn’t laugh when she can’t, just takes her hands again, and spins her underneath an arm. In the distance, she can see Mildred smiling still spinning with her friends, un-concussed.

Afterwards, her mind offers again, trying again. There’s an Afterwards.

“Oh, you can bet on that,” Julie says, and spins her again.

[tumblunni]

Ok so.. I feel really ungrateful as fuck saying this.. but it kinda bugs me how much perrin being nonbinary just.. isn’t really shown at all.

At least, in what i’ve seen so far, yknow? I watched the first ep of someone else’s let’s play to see if i was gonna like this game, and i like this game SO MUCH that I stopped right there and am downloading it at the speed of light yo!!! My hype is maximum and I really don’t want this to be seen as a hate message or anything, it's just a mild opinion piece about something that bummed me out a little, as a nonbinary person.

Ok so.. again, this makes me sound like an ASSHOLE but I have to say it.. Perrin looks like a boy. 100% of all LPers I have seen have assumed they were a boy. I, a nonbinary person, assumed they were a boy. (And felt like absolute shit afterwards, man I still have to work on my internalized gender stereotypes!)

Now in real life I absolutely wouldn’t go around being some douchebag who tells other NB folk they aren’t dressing ‘right’, or whatever. In real life people can feel very different ways about being outside of conventional gender norms. Some people feel like “both at once” or “neither” or “something else entirely that doesn’t touch either side of our society’s current binary stereotypes”. And regardless of whether you’re agender/bigender/genderfluid or any other type of genderqueer person, your fashion sense doesn’t have to fit any strict rule to “prove” it to people. Some people try and dress in androgenous stuff, some people try to mix parts of both gendered fashion worlds, some people like to wear very neutral baggy stuff as a different way of being androgenous, some people like to wear wild and fun stuff that never had any gender stereotype in the first place/because it helps them feel confident in themself if they have a big brave kind of fashion, yknow? (that’s why I dyed my hair at least, and why I think a lot of lGBT people do) And of course, some people just prefer ‘feminine’ or ‘masculine’ clothes regardless of not being that gender, and if we can accept that cis women can enjoy ‘tomboy’ fashion then we should accept that trans people don’t have to fit into even more rigid fashion rules in order to ‘earn’ their gender.

BUT this isn’t real life, it’s a videogame

We have a lot more context here, with the context that this is a character designed within a fandom whose previous attempts at NB representation have kinda started setting up a trend. In that context, this is a bit worrying that it’s happened again, and maybe future fangame creators are feeling like they have to do it, or something?

Like the NB protagonist Pluto in Pokemon Uranium.

They’re still someone I deeply love, but their design looks incredibly masculine aside from a side ponytail. If anything their design communicates more that they’re a younger option compared to the other two, or something?

And the two NB protagonist options Ari and Decibel in Pokemon Reborn

Their designs look like more traditionally masculine and feminine-leaning ways of being nonbinary, ykno? And that wouldn’t be bad on it’s own, but let me try and explain what I mean...

A similar issue occurs in the unrelated dating sim Hustle Cat:

Which is generally incredibly progressive and actually the first dating sim I’ve ever seen that lets you play a nonbinary protag! But you still get only two character models to choose from.

Like it’s great that they had two options to aknowledge how not all trans people are the same, but it starts to look a bit.. odd, when those two options are ‘feminine and masculine’ and no form of androgenous is ever an option. or even like.. someone with a ‘masculine’ body build but a ‘feminine’ fashion sense. That would be kind of a stereotypical way to depict a trans character but it wouldn’t just be making a random design that could fit amoungst the already existing gendered protags and then just saying they’re trans. And a lot of people found it weird how these ones seem to be drawn as like.. both on the far masculine end, just a cis man and a trans man.

Like.. even as a nonbinary person myself, I wouldn’t have known these characters were nonbinary if you hadn’t told me. And that leaves me feeling horrible about myself that I judged them on first sight, but I mean this is within a genre of entertainment that’s literally never had any Me in it and i’ve got used to being all ‘no you’re just reading too much into it’ whenever i headcanon anyone as genderqueer...

And just.. I feel like if you’re gonna just draw another two masculine and feminine looking characters, or just a second masculine one (or a weird two masculine ones that’re labelled male and female with no option for in-between...) then couldn’t you have saved time by just letting us choose our pronouns for the two you already had? like I already play a lot of games headcanoning the protag as just a masc-fashion version of my enby self, I feel like kinda the point of adding a third design would be to make it something the others aren’t already delivering. Look at it this way, you already HAVE two nonbinary characters who look masculine and feminine, just like the player could also play them as a trans boy and trans girl. Pronoun selector box is the greatest invention of our time! So what I’m really saying is not “don’t have super masc NB protags” but just “can we have another option too?”

Oh, but then that’s also been done not-so-well by certain games too.. Awesome amazing multiplayer party game dating sim Monster Prom let’s you choose your pronouns!

...except these are your only character options! All of these are very clearly intended to be read as masc or femme, you’re probably gonna feel dysphoric as heck if you play them as trans, and none of them work super well as nonbinary either. I think pretty much every NB player has always gone for Oz (yellow one), cos he’s the one that’s most capable of fitting that headcanon just by virtue of being perpetually shadowed. Tho still his default is “he” pronouns, his fashion sense is masc and his voice is masc. Still I’m really fuckin proud of the fandom for collectively latching onto NB Oz and using “they” all the time in fanworks, and then the developers being okay with it, like holy shit man you healed my goddamn heart... <3

Still, it makes me feel a lil like this would have been easy to fix? like I’m not saying redraw everything to have them all change bodies/fashion style depending on your pronoun choice, but like.. maybe just not draw them with such super disparate body styles in the first place? like in this style every girl is hourglass and has weird legs out arms out pose, and every dude is a chunkfest with twice as big hands and feet. Like you could have maybe just made two of the characters be a very curvy girl and a very buff boy, and then the other two be more neutral in appearance but still retaining the same designs. Like I think if you just gave the blue girl a baggier shirt that doesn’t highlight her boobs and hips so much, she could easily be my favourite ‘most NB-able’ design! maybe also tone down the eyelash and lipstick effects?

I think probably a similar thing could have been done with the Reborn protagonists? like there’s nothing inherantly feminine about wearing a tanktop and having a fancy undercut hairstyle and such, its just the way they drew Ari that makes them look feminine. I guess maybe that’s a necessary evil of fangames, since they usually use edits of already existing characters from the games? Then again the games have plenty of androgenous characters already, even if nobody is canonically confirmed as LGBT. *shrug*

Anyway

I absolutely am not trying to nitpick and attack the game for not being perfect in this one aspect. i’m still super excited to even see someone like me in a videogame at all, and I’m definately not one of those people who’s like ‘I’d rather have nothing than have something flawed’. I already admire you greatly for what you’ve done for the inclusivity of this fandom, and I hope that my discussion of this stuff doesn’t discourage you from continuing.

And I guess my point is, in summary

What I mean is not “there are no nonbinary people who prefer to dress masculine instead of androgenous”, but instead that when you’re designing a nonbinary person as the only option a nonbinary player gets or the only nonbinary person in the game, with no playable option, it would probably be a little better to draw them androgenous.

Like, you’ve put that NB character into the role of representing all nonbinary people ever, to the hypothetical audience of people who’ve never heard of the concept before and aren’t super educated about the intricacies of gender presentation. And then also rather than using traditionally gendered outfits to aknowledge that NB people have many ways to present themselves... you’ve given us less ways to present ourselves.

Also it’s a little bit odd that you have an NB rival but said “we’re not ever considering an NB player option in the future”. Sorry but I cannot understand the logic? Like.. you know NB people play your game if you wanted to put NB representation in it, but you didn’t put it as playable because... reasons?? I hope maybe that interview was just taken out of context and you meant something more like “it’s not planned for now because it’s a lot of work and the game is still in its demo stage”, which is absolutely an understandable reason and how Uranium and Reborn did it. But Uranium and Reborn were kinda odd for being a world where literally nobody else aside from you could ever be NB, so I am really grateful that your game did add an NB character. And one in a big role!! This is what i mean about how grateful I am and how I feel awful that my bad internet typing skills are making this post come off as more aggressive than intended.. *sigh*

OH and also maybe a tip for Periin? just.. like.. mention their pronouns. It’s really frustrating to watch everyone doing let’s plays of this thing and constantly assuming Perrin is male because their design is very masculine. Even me! Even me was assume! :( So like... maybe just have Perrin actually tell the audience that they are nonbinary at some point, during this introduction? or have the protagonist’s inner monologue mention it, or another character mention it on the way towards meeting Perrin? like I dunno, maybe a Perrin fan npc?cos it would seem a bit more natural to talk about gender if it’s someone saying “wow I admire Perrin’s androgenous fashion sense” rather than like.. a stranger saying “i can’t tell if you’re a boy or a girl from your face”.

I can understand how it can be tricky to figure out how to introduce a LGBT character’s LGBT-ness without having them go around saying it to every new person they meet, it’s something I’ve had to fix in the editing process even as a trans person writing trans characters. But just having their gender only be mentioned on missable promotional material outside the game means that a lot of players won’t ever hear about it, and it like.. has zero impact of actual inclusivity on the game. It’s why people were angry about DUmbledore only getting revealed as gay after the series already ended. Him being gay missed all of its chances to make gay readers of the series feel welcome, or have any part of his character be informed by his sexuality. like the plot between him and grindlewold could have been way more effective if it was him losing a boyfriend to the dark arts, just sayin...

anyway whatever, bunni is bad at writing coherant posts in summary thanks for perrin and sorry for whining about perrin, aaaaa

[sister-location]

hi! i know you probably have a lot of asks right now, but i wanted to get some clarification on something. what exactly do we know about remnant? do we know anything except that it's what the scuper was designed for?

Yes and No!

The secret ‘insanity’ ending is the only time we ever see Remnant being mentioned. But we need to keep in mind that like with everything else in FNAF, being directly told about something is just meant to be a hint to look for context clues!

Longer post under the cut because there’s a lot to be said here and it’s image heavy because I just woke up!

edit: I realized partway through this that gameverse Afton might be injecting himself with whats essentially robo-ghost blood and it’s really fucking funny to me, sorry for obviously laughing about this for the entire post.

First up we see the SCUPer, A B C and D functions, and the Afton Robotics, LLC trademark. Let’s go over them!

NAME: S.caleable C.reation of U.lterior P.resence

Ok so you can see that either Afton or Scott are really weird with names, because this.. is honestly weird word choices, but they sure made it fit the ice cream theme. Rammed it right in there. But let me work these words down;T.his M.achine M.akey G.hosties. Call it Thingmmagig.

Scalable Creation refers to being able to generate more [ghosts] and likely also be able to remove (or relocate..?) [ghosts]. Ulterior Presence is.. actually a little funny, because it means ‘Secret Secret Ghosts’ kind of. And honestly these ghosts aren’t really hidden, unless you count that no one was sure if the Funtime animatronics were haunted or not. Maybe in-universe, the fact these robots were haunted at all was a huge secret and only like, 4 people knew. Maybe to everyone else, blood and mucus coming out of robots is normal. Whatever.

BLUEPRINT PART A: EXCAVATING ARM

No bonus data given, this is just the weird… partial cylinder. I’m not sure why A wasn’t put on the actual folding arm structure. Maybe the A is on the end because that is the part that, well, scoops you. slurp

BLUEPRINT PART B: REMNANT INJECTOR

NOTES: Leaves trace line amount on interior. Over-usage /Over-exposure negates effect.

Honestly the fact that there’s an ‘injector’ here somewhere is weird because it seems Scott made this thing really lowpoly and didn’t add much if anything when he went ‘lets make this a blueprint!’ because there’s clearly no… tubes, or needles, or… hell maybe the whole things hollow and it just kinda opens a hatch and it gloops out. I can’t see scott

Anyway this part of the blueprint identifies that.. somehow, there is an injector!So not only does this blueprint have one, we also now know that, yeah, there is a reason to inject people with whatever ‘remnant’ is. People and/or machines. So it clearly has some sort of reaction when placed inside other substances, and… actually why isn’t the SCUPr itself haunted. Scott probably didn’t think of that…. Moving on.

BLUEPRINT PART C: ARM BASE AND BALANCE

It seems that both wheel-shapes are just balances, given how low the D is. Weird design but not an important part of the machine, aside from making it sturdier while it tears things open.

BLUEPRINT PART D: REMNANT RESERVOIR

NOTES: When heated, no observable motion. Keep in heated tank at sustained temperature. Substance should be malleable, but not more. There is a possibility that overheating might neutralize the effects permanently. 

Here’s the juicy stuff. Remnant is something that moves, and when heated, it stops moving and softens up. If it gets too hot, it neutralizes ‘effects’. So now we know that whatever Remnant is, it’s heat sensitive and moves on it’s own, so it’s alive in some way. People who have looked at the game files might remember something like that… 

Also a weird fact here is that heating may neutralize the effects, but isn’t clear on what effects, or if it means while they’re in the tank or not. This could either mean that the remnants will get heat-resistant in the tank, which us unlikely, or…

Whoever uses Remnants for the SCUPr’s intented purpose needs to be kept cool at all times, or the effect, which we assume to be immortality, will wear off. What’s a coolant that we have in all games, and are only able to disable in FNAF 6? The fucking fan. THE FAN KEEPS MICHAEL AFTON ALIVE, LITERALLY. In theory anyway thats just a theory … but god would it make some god damn sense. 

—————————————————————————

FACIAL RECOGNITION FILE 0072

Remnant is also mentioned in this blueprint!

SECURITY TAGS ACTIVE:001 “Funtime Freddy”002 “Funtime Foxy”003 “Ballora”

It’s unclear here if the numbers are the security tags (which implies funtime freddy is the first animatronic on the tag system, ever?) or if Henry was just absolutely prepared to have to write blueprints on a 100-tag hell machine. It’s probably just aesthetics. Either way, as referenced in LEFTE’s blueprints, all of the animatronics have security tags, or bracelets, or security receivers.. actually it’s likely

Henry’s robots: Security Receivers are so animatronics, Toys especially, can connect to each other to keep out bad people and protect children.

Afton’s robots: Security tags, so he knows where the robots are at all times, and doesn’t let the robots escape.

FE/AR Staff: Security bracelets so the robots know the difference between staff and patrons, and theoretically know staff by name. You guys know the theory that Lefty is submitting Henry’s frequency to the Puppet / his daughter? Shit’s sad. 

That aside, come to think of it, would William have sent Michael a bracelet with his number on it, just to make sure the robots think Michael ‘looks’ like him to the animatronics? Michael goes through a lot of name changes over the series, but it’s possible. Maybe? 

Anyway the main point here is that Molten Freddy is Freddy, Foxy and Ballora (Chica? Suzie?). No Minireenas, no Bonnie hand puppet, no pre-Ennard, no Yenndo, and especially no Circus Baby.

Priority One 

With the most amount of Remnant collectively in it’s structure, this amalgamation of Afton’s constructs is a necessary element of Paragraph 4.

Paragraph 4′s direct meaning still isn’t really clear aside from that it has to do with the end of the game where Henry sets fire to Molten Freddy, Circus Baby, Springtrap and Lefty/his daughter, setting them all free. Of course with Molten Freddy being multiple spirits together, he’s the top priority: Even if Henry can’t stop the Aftons or save his daughter, he needs to save the most kids he can.

That said, note the wording: The most amount of Remnant. Not ‘the most spirits’ or ‘Likely to have the most attachments’ or anything clearly stating dead kids: the most Remnant. So although Remnant was only stated in Afton’s SCUPer blueprints, Henry is not only aware of what Remnant is, he clearly knows how it works, and how to remove the haunting ‘effect’: Heat. Fire. 

This implies that Henry may have still worked with Afton even while Afton was doing a side job with Afton Robotics, despite Henry saying he built at least some of the robots. It’s very unlikely Henry would build.. child-grabby machines, so we’re assuming here that they just.. both made robots. At the same time. Oh timelines…

—————————————————————————

SO WHAT IS REMNANT?

In short, Remnant is some sort of life essence that may or may not always mean ghosts. The way we see the SCUPer work, through Circus Baby’s lines and Ballora’s scene in the Springsuit game (which the springsuit was distracting you!), is that the Funtime Animatronics capture kids in some way, ‘malfunction’, are taken to the SCUPer, and have the remnants of the kid scooped out. 

Why don’t we see some kid’s corpse get mangled up and slurped out when we see Ballora get scooped? Well, maybe she opened up just off screen, orr it’s that it’s a kid’s game. There’s probably a better reason here, I just am not sure what it is. 

Here’s a brightened gif of her being Scooped, which I was too lazy to reupload.

The eye color might be from my de-blueing it, so I won’t bring that up.However, what we see in the scooping process is odd. It’s not really a scoop, she just looks like she got uppercut in the face, twice for some reason. And that whatever the scooper’s doing, it’s causing a flash of light each impact. Whatever it’s doing seems to take a lot of ‘energy’ from Ballora, since she slumps over after as if she’s tired, but is clearly still possessed… or at least has the energy to be creepy while the Real Ballora is now inside the Scooper’s Excavating Arm. 

It’s important here however to remember Scott’s intended view of this sprite:

This. This is all you get. By the time the faceplates open up, Ballora’s already staring at you slumped over. However, something also hidden by the faceplates, that perhaps Baby was specifically hiding from you, is something that isn’t present on the sprite. Because when different objects animate on their own, Scott makes them their own little object and spritesheet in game. 

Because anything moving down there, you wouldn’t see them. Something wiggling, moving, because the scooper is extracting them, and they’re just not warm yet. Something that, just like the Insanity ending, we’re not supposed to see. 

[slayeroftears]

The Problems With RWBY

Now, before I get down to it, let me make one thing clear; I LOVE THE SHOW. I enjoy its story, its characters, the music, the unique animation, etc. I am not just “mindlessly hating on it”. Constructive criticism is given BECAUSE I love the show and is done in the hopes that Miles and Kerry will read it and improve on it. I do not want to hear fans whining about me pointing out the show’s flaws just because they can’t see them or accept them. If criticism is not given, people will not improve.

OK, with that out of the way, LET’S BEGIN!

The first flaw RWBY faces is also the first rule of writing that it’s broken: Show, Don’t Tell. RWBY tells us a bunch of stuff, but never shows it. The one thing that comes to mind, even as you’re reading this, is the alleged racism against Faunus. We’re never actually shown true racism against Faunus within the show.

No, Cardin and Roman don’t count. Cardin is a jerk to everyone around him regardless of species, and Roman’s just evil. He belittles everybody under him except for Neo. We’ve never seen anyone be racist to Faunus within RWBY. The World of Remnant videos also don’t help, as it’s just telling us about it instead of showing us it.

At this point, we could just as easily say that the Faunus are all prejudiced against Humans, as we’ve seen more of THAT than we have of Humans hating Faunus. We need to see more racism within the show, instead of it being told to us. It needs to be subtle, no over-the-top ridiculous displays, something more real. Say a Human buys some Dust for some Lien and leaves, then a Faunus tries to buy some too. Have the Faunus charged more than the Human was. Show racism, but make it look and feel real. Otherwise, there’s no point in this imaginary hate against Faunus.

Another issue is the "controversial labor forces" that the Schnee Dust Company utilizes. So, when we were shown Weiss’ father and brother, why never bring that up? SHOW, DO NOT TELL. NEVER JUST TELL.

Another issue RWBY faces is its characters. Namely, how they’re handled. I’ll be taking a crack at a few of them, so bear with me. First stop; YANG. She lost her arm to Adam, and I theorized back at the end of V3 that she’d face some difficulties, probably have PTSD. Now, know that not everybody who has a traumatic experience will suffer from PTSD. However, Yang showed signs of it in V4, and to RT’s credit, they did it rather well. My mother, who does suffer from it, commented on it (Yes she watches RWBY too), saying that RT managed to do it right. However, as Yang got her arm on and started training, her PTSD looked like it disappeared and she seemed almost right as rain again.

Now, I’ll give RT the benefit of the doubt and say that Yang may NOT be over her PTSD and may be forcing herself upwards and onwards. My mother certainly thinks so, as she did it when she was younger. The result, however, was that it made things worse for her later on. IF Yang really is pushing herself, we need to see proof of it. Little scenes here and there to show that she hasn’t recovered. Hell, have her see a flash of Ruby’s cloak, make her think it’s Adam, and have her almost attack Ruby. I mean, I’d personally like to see it, but my point is, if Yang still suffers from PTSD, show us. Don’t sweep it under the rug, because you don’t recover from it, you just learn to live with it and try to move on. This is coming from someone who sees it every day with his mother.

Next up: Blake. Hoo boy, what most critics will say is the biggest disappointment in Volume 4. After Beacon’s fall and Yang’s cripplement, Blake seemingly did what she vowed never to do again; ran away. She either did it so Adam wouldn’t target her friends anymore, or because she was scared. Who knows? The issue here is it’s not clear. If she ran away so Adam wouldn’t attack her friends or loved ones, why return to her family? Adam swore to destroy EVERYTHING she loved,and you better believe family is on that list. Did she think Adam wouldn’t know she was on Menagerie, or did she think he wouldn’t target her family? She even hints at this to Sun, saying “This is why I left them all behind” after Sun was hurt. So, why return to her family? HOWEVER, she also told Sun on Chapter 8; “I told you, I'm not here to fight the White Fang, I'm not here to fight anyone. I'm here to rest, to figure things out, and to see my family.”

So, which is it? A character’s reasons for running need to be clear and easily understood, instead of contradictory and confusing.

Another issue everyone seems to have with Blake is her family; namely that her father was the founder and head of the White Fang. While I don’t mind it, and it even clears up just why Blake feels like it’s HER responsibility to stop the White Fang, as well as I just hate the old “Blake’s an orphan” theory, another issue with her family is Ghira himself. So why did NOBODY, not even Ozpin, make mention of Ghira? She shares the same last name as the founder of the White Fang, Belladonna, so why did nobody comment on it? It’s not like the White Fang were created in secret either, Blake herself outright tells us that the organization was formed to bring peace between the two races. You can’t do that in secret, and if Ghira DID hide in the shadows, then that should have been made clear LONG ago!

With Ruby, the problem lies in how little character development she’s gotten. Yes, we’ve seen her change from a shy girl who didn’t want to make friends to someone who DOES, but that’s about it. Outside of crying for Penny, and going Mary Sue on Cinder after Pyrrha died, Ruby hasn’t shown much of a reaction to their deaths. She’s pretty much the same character, albeit with a little less energy and love of weapons as she used to be. She’s the main character, the show’s pronounced after her name, show us how she’s coping. No long letters that honestly aren’t that good (Sorry, but that letter was pretty bad) and no telling us about it. Show us how the death of two friends has affected a 15-16 year old little girl.

With Jaune, it’s how MUCH development he’s getting. Yes, I get it, he’s the Deuteragonist, the second protagonist, the Hero to Ruby’s Heroine. However, at this point he’s becoming more like the traditional main character than Ruby herself is. He’s had the Love Interest (even if he never knew it) who died, he’s the audience surrogate, he was made leader of his own team, we learned that he cheated his way in, etc. etc. Now, I’m not saying that what he’s been through is BAD, but the issue here ties in with Ruby, namely that she hasn’t gotten as much attention or development as Jaune has. I like Jaune. In another story, he WOULD be the Hero. But the show is called RWBY because it revolves around Team RWBY. It’s time they took the spotlight back.

Another issue that the show has is its sense of time. Before it was retconned, Miles and Kerry said early on that Volume 4 took place 6-8 months after Volume 3. They then decided to change it to avoid plotholes. Unfortunately, this just created more plotholes. How long were Blake and Sun on a boat? How long was Weiss cooped up in her room? Yang said she and Taiyang were training for weeks. The only thing that makes sense is RNJR’s journey on foot, as it WOULD take quite a long time to go from one country to another like that. (A minor plothole with THAT is why didn’t they get transportation there, when Oscar did? If the answer is no money, where did they get the extra ammo at the end of Chapter 1 of V4?)

Something I personally have a problem with within the show, though some would argue against it, is the Grimm. We’ve been shown Grimm that wiped out whole villages, Grimm that rule the seas and are huge, and yet students who haven’t even finished their first year were able to kill. The Grimm as a whole are also disappointing. We’ve been told that they wiped out all life on Remnant except for four Kingdoms where life exists, but we’re always seeing them mowed down so easily and quickly that it’s kind of pathetic. The Nuckleavee Grimm, in particular, showcases this problem. This is something that wiped out three villages and could not be defeated, yet RNJR took it out no problem. A better way to resolve it would have been if they had managed to fend it off long enough for the airships to arrive. The Grimm have been getting the Worf Effect pretty badly, and they’re not the scary monsters that we’re told they are. I, at least, want to see more creepy looking Grimm that aren’t defeated on the first encounter with our heroes. Grimm are supposed to be unnatural monsters of darkness, not cannon fodder.

The lack of foreshadowing is also a problem here. We had only one line of dialogue about Ruby’s silver eyes, and that was it. One line, in the very first episode,and it was never touched upon again. Blake’s family was never hinted at, neither was Weiss’ little brother, Whitley. While I understand that some things are meant to be a surprise and kept secret, common things like family need to be at least mentioned. You don’t need to reveal any big secrets about them, just a mention is enough, like Winter in Volume 2. For something as big as Ruby’s silver eye power, foreshadowing is a must have, otherwise it’ll come out of nowhere and feel like a Deus ex Machina.

There are probably many other things I’ve forgotten to add in that I meant to, but I can always address those later, or edit them into this post. These are the biggest flaws though that are dragging RWBY down. I still enjoy the show, and I will keep watching it, but it could always be improved, and there are some things in it that require attention and fixing.

[oocneoblog]

Receipts

[[A lot of the vagueposts are missing, simply because I never thought it would have to come to this. By this point, I’m not even looking for an apology. It’s too late for that. Make of these receipts what you will, but hopefully you’ll understand why the tag has become such an unsafe place to me and my moirail.]]

[18/06/2015 20:04:15] *** ყøŘıck 👻 would like to add you on Skype

Hi, I'd like to connect with you on Skype. ***

[18/06/2015 20:04:23] *** Ted has shared contact details with 💎 yaakov. ***

[25/06/2015 20:43:36] ყøŘıck 👻: teddy bear what are your pronouns

i was using they for you but idw do that if you actually use something else srr

[25/06/2015 20:44:08] Ted: usually I go with "they" but sometimes I go with "ey" to avoid confusion with plurals

---

[06/09/2015 00:56:08] yorick ☁: hey can you. not namedrop shelby on my post, shelby has sent me messages picking on me when i have breakdowns and calls me "aggressive" and i have her blocked and i wanted to keep the post vague.

[06/09/2015 00:57:01] Ted: Ah, okay. I didn't realise you had her blocked now. She vented to me about vagueblogging in the past is all.

[06/09/2015 00:58:59] yorick ☁: yeah she and her group of friends have been really hurtful to me and idk

[06/09/2015 00:59:13] Ted: what group of friends?

[06/09/2015 01:01:13] yorick ☁: asheton, tiff, and idk if she's friends with meow but meow was really not great to me

[06/09/2015 01:02:16] Ted: yeah, I understand

[06/09/2015 01:02:45] Ted: haven't seen her interact with those people lately but I respect you and i'll try not to mention her around you

[06/09/2015 01:10:22] Ted: i think that might have come out badly, I've been having to write a lot of complicated thoughts down today and it's tired me out

[06/09/2015 01:10:40] Ted: but, like, i understand

[06/09/2015 01:18:40] yorick ☁: yeah its ok

[21/11/2015 00:23:03] 🌴 yorick: HAPPY BIRTHD 🎂

[21/11/2015 00:23:52] Ted: Yay! Thank you!!!

---

01/02/2016

devotedslothminion: who was it?

nosh-o-matic: idk if im comfortable saying because you're friends with them and idrw you telling them what i said

nosh-o-matic: idk you can probably deduce who i'm talking about but person in question reblogs from this blog (screenshots bcs i have that blog blocked) http://kumbricprince.tumblr.com/post/131251859912/since-they-have-me-blocked-heres-the-nonsense and other radfems who are anti-trans & anti-sex worker, plus the lovely post they just reblogged about menstruation specifically refers to a law found in the torah and afaik they're not jewish

devotedslothminion: ah, i'm working on the terf thing btw

like, i don't want to say why but there's some stuff you don't know about that's kind of basically making her afraid of everything right now

it wasn't clear to me that it was talking about the torah

devotedslothminion: i just want to say, just because someone reblogs a specific thing they relate to from a person, doesn't mean they share all the views of that person

devotedslothminion: i mean that in a reassuring way, btw

nosh-o-matic: i don't believe sympathizing with violent transmisogynists is okay especially if what they're sympathizing with is specifically anti-jew? like i don't need to know what's going on in her personal life but having personal reasons to nod her head in agreement with people who think transness is a cult and jewish traditions are disgusting doesn't make me comfortable with it

devotedslothminion: it's not anti-religious to criticise sexism in religious practices. like, i say this as someone who identifies as religious. sometimes you're just following someone because you're curious about their viewpoint and what made them that way.

and, like, you don't need to force yourself to feel comfortable with someone if you don't want to

devotedslothminion: a lot of our viewpoints on a group are based on our sole experience of that group, which may or may not be indicative of the whole

idk, i'm probably just stressing you out. i'm sorry.

nosh-o-matic: jews are a marginalized group so i will never believe it's okay for nonjews to criticize the torah? this isn't about religion as a whole... it's about judaism and i am v stressed out that someone i used to talk to on the daily is putting antisemitic stuff on my dash

devotedslothminion: like, i personally don't see how it was antisemitic but because i'm not jewish i take your word for it

like, idk what specified it as an attack against the torah specifically as opposed to christian tradition

because i'm not jewish

nosh-o-matic: the tenakh & torah (the old testament) are first and foremost jewish because christians appropriated the entire tenakh from us despite saying in the new testament that the old testament is obsolete. everything in the "old testament" is the tenakh and it's jewish

if that makes sense

devotedslothminion: the first christians were also jewish though? like, it was their culture and there's stories in there that were important to them, especially for context. (also, i've never been told that the old testament was obsolete, and i've seen a lot of christians quoting it)

devotedslothminion: paul the apostle was hesitant about sharing christianity with non-jews at first, so i don't know if it's right to call it appropriation when it was willingly shared and spread

nosh-o-matic: the first christians were EX jews who put their faith in a messiah that jews don't believe in plus modern christians are not descendents of ancient christians or jews in any way so i don't see what this has to do with me not wanting non-jews to criticize the torah

devotedslothminion: and yet god spoke to them

nosh-o-matic: i'm sorry but whst youre saying sounds like 'christians and christian-raised atheists can't be antisemitic because 2000 years ago the first christians were ex-jewish converts'

devotedslothminion: no, i'm not saying that

what you're saying sounds like non-jews who convert to judaism cannot identify as jews because they are not descended from ancient jews

nosh-o-matic: that's literally not what i'm saying, all jewish converts regardless of race/ethnicity are just as jewish as ethnic jews. i'm saying that ethnic jews who convert to christianity are not an authority on judaism, which literally doesn't matter anyway because this conversation sprung up because gabby reblogged something antisemitic despite not being ethnically or religiously jewish

nosh-o-matic: you kept saying "ill take your word for it because i'm not jewish" yet you're telling me what i should be okay with based on the writings in the new testament that aren't even a part of my faith

devotedslothminion: no i'm not, i don't see how you're taking that from what i'm saying

nosh-o-matic: can we move this to skype

devotedslothminion: if you want

---

[02/01/2016 19:06:11] 🌴 yorick: so the reason i'm getting this

"you kept saying "ill take your word for it because i'm not jewish" yet you're telling me what i should be okay with based on the writings in the new testament that aren't even a part of my faith"

is because you're telling me that based on the origins of christianity, written by ex-jews, in a book that isn't part of my faith, i shouldn't call christians using jewish texts as part of their faith appropriative because it was part of the culture of the first christians because they were ethnically jewish

and like, yeah, it was part of THEIR culture, but modern christians have no direct ties with ancient ones - modern christians are not jewish. (jewish converts ARE jewish because despite their not being of jewish ethnicity, they're spiritually jewish and are welcomed into the culture after going through the steps for conversion)

christianity as it exists is the belief that the laws of the torah (the mosaic law found in leviticus etc) are outdated and no longer meant to be observed because of jesus (who i do not believe in because i am jewish) being sacrificed for everyone's sins

it is anti-semitic for a christian/ex-christian to criticize the laws of the torah because christians believe those laws are obsolete

those laws are not christian, they're jewish

does that make sense

[02/01/2016 19:07:39] Ted: okay, I see your point, but I disagree that believing in jesus as the messiah made the early Christians non-Jewish.

[02/01/2016 19:09:27] Ted: they would have still identified as jews because they believed that it was a fulfilment of god's previous promises, citing prophecies in jewish scripture. the old testament is needed to give a full picture of Christianity, as without it, the new testament would have no context. do you see my point?

[02/01/2016 19:12:34] 🌴 yorick: that doesn't change the fact that the torah is jewish and jewish ONLY

this entire conversation sprung up because christians and christian-raised atheists believe it's okay to criticize JEWISH practices as long as they wrongly call them christian

[02/01/2016 19:24:27 | Edited 19:24:23] Ted: (I'm typing something up on my laptop but in the meantime I need to go eat something bc ny body's telling me it's low on sugar)

[02/01/2016 19:25:01] 🌴 yorick: aight

[02/01/2016 21:05:50] Ted: a lot of modern day Christians also follow those practices, which I think is what you were referring to with the appropriation comment earlier? (this is my understanding after having thought on it and what you've said since)

in a lot of places, said Christians appropriating ancient jewish laws/practices have undue influence on the power structures of society, and use these appropriated laws/customs to marginalise people they feel they can get away with stomping on. a criticism of the torah in that respect is supposed to reflect on that inappropriate deployment of those customs by the power-hungry, and on the nature of sexism in society as it currently is.

because many of us live in so-called Christian countries, criticising the power structure inherently involves criticising those laws that are falsely used to justify subjugation of the oppressed.

[02/01/2016 21:10:15] 🌴 yorick: there are plenty of people who are actually jewish who are already criticizing sexism in the torah so why is it necessary for goys to get involved you keep telling me what's okay to be upset with and what's not but i'm actually jewish and this upsets me

[02/01/2016 21:10:54] Ted: i'm not saying it's not okay to be upset. i'm sorry. I was just trying to make you feel better.

[02/01/2016 21:13:45] 🌴 yorick: i genuinely appreciate you trying to make me feel better but im also just not really comfrted by being goysplained to about the origins of christianity ykno

[02/01/2016 21:14:42] Ted: i was trying to explain the place people are coming from since you seemed upset and confused

[02/01/2016 21:14:56] Ted: i'm sorry if i misread the situation

[02/01/2016 21:16:14] Ted: the people making those posts don't necessarily think anything against Judaism was all i was trying to explain, and i hoped that might be of some comfort

[02/01/2016 21:22:15] 🌴 yorick: that's the problem though, that christians are the ones everyone automatically thinks of when they read the torah even though the torah is completely indisputably jewish and NOT christian

like that video where a bunch of non-muslim goys disguised a bible as a qu'ran and read from the OLD testament to prove that "christianity is violent"

that was antisemitic

the tanakh isn't christian, it is jewish and i'm uncomfortable with goys unloading criticism onto jewish texts when jews are a marginalized group and face the highest percentage of religious hate crime (62.4% of all religious hate crime in the US alone is anti-semitic hate crime)

and they will always get away with it too because they can use the same excuse "the old testament is actuslly christian"

[02/01/2016 21:23:35] Ted: i think in this case it was more that people had been quoted those verses to justify their suffering and so are lashing out against that, but i do see your point

[02/01/2016 21:25:28] Ted: like, there's going to have to be a balance at some point and idk what to say, but you're right that the root problem is appropriation

[02/01/2016 21:25:45] Ted: sorry that i made you have to explain all of that

---

[03/01/2016 03:57:02] Ted: Okay so gabby saw that vaguepost and now she's suicidal again great.

[03/01/2016 03:58:59] 🌴 yorick: i'm to blame for reacting when someone triggers me??? i also specifically told you i didn't want you to tell her when i was talking to you earlier so thanks for that

[03/01/2016 04:01:00] Ted: You didn't say that at all to my memory. You can choose to react by talking to someone you trust about it instead of making someone terrified they're going to have their name dragged through the dirt over something that ultimately wasn't their fault.

[03/01/2016 04:03:06] 🌴 yorick: my very first message to you was "idk if im comfortable saying because you're friends with them and idrw you telling them what i said"

how am i supposed to talk to someone i trust about ANYTHI G WHEN LITERALLY ALL OF YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT ME TO EACH OTHER BEHIND MY BACK? WHENEVER I HAVE ANY KIND OF EMOTIONAL REACTION EVERYONE GOES OFF AND WHISPERS ABOUT ME WITH THEIR CLIQUES

[03/01/2016 04:05:29] Ted: Sometimes it's hard being yelled at even if you know it's probably not that they hate you. Sometimes you need emotional support. Also, I didn't say anything that you'd said about her, only vaguely mentioned the subject matter being about appropriation of Judaism by christians.

[03/01/2016 04:09:04] 🌴 yorick: why doesn't everyone just fucking leave me alone everyon expects me to have pristine reactions to everything and then when i don't people hate me whenni didn't do ANYTHING EXCEPT DEFEND MYSELF

[03/01/2016 04:10:59] Ted: No one was attacking you this time. Vagueposts can be catastrophic when read by the wrong person, which is why I generally respond to them. I don't hate you, yorick.

[03/01/2016 04:13:21] 🌴 yorick: really because NOBODY GIVES A SHIT WHEN I SELF HARM BUT THEN WHEN I'M TRIGGERED BY SOMEONE I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND HSVING VIEWSS THAT LET ME KNOW THEY HATE ME IT'S MY FAULT THAT THEY'RE SUICIDAL AND I'M GARBAGE WHEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING

[03/01/2016 04:17:11] 🌴 yorick: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE GUILT TRIPPED ABOUT BEING UPSET ABJOUT SOMETHING THAT SHE WOULDN'T HAVE EVER SEEN IF YOU HADN'T SAID ANYTHING TO HER BUT HERE WE ARE FINE IT'S ALL MY FAULT AND I'M THE ONE WHO'S GUILTY LIKE ALWAYS

[03/01/2016 04:18:01] Ted: Why do you think she wouldn't have seen it?

[03/01/2016 04:18:41] 🌴 yorick: I BLOCKED HER & WHY WOULD SHE HAVE BEEN ON MY BLOG????

[03/01/2016 04:19:38] Ted: The only reason it was gabby I vented to is because literally everyone else is too busy ignoring me.

[03/01/2016 04:22:07] 🌴 yorick: leave me aloneyou don't care about me whatsoever you didnt listen when i told you not to tell gabhy what i was telling YOU ONLY and you didn't care about any of what i was saying either you only talked to me so you could spill everything to gabby and tell her HEY YORICK HATES YOU!!!

[03/01/2016 04:24:20] Ted: No, that's not true. I don't understand internet acronyms all that well and I was low on blood sugar at the time so my reading comprehension was shot.

[03/01/2016 04:26:44] 🌴 yorick: well whatevwr either way its literally all my fault i made gabby feel vad with my disgusting trans sex worker jew self and i should kms because yoa and ga bby would be so much happier and then you can tslk aboit me all you want

[03/01/2016 04:27:12] Ted: No, that's not true either.

[03/01/2016 04:29:12] Ted: I'm sorry that I don't talk to you all that often when it's not about social justice topics and things, but I do respect you, and I do like you. That's why I try to help.

[03/01/2016 04:31:32] Ted: Evidently I'm not that good at helping you feel better. Maybe it would be better if we just stopped talking, but... I do like you and I want you to be happy and feel safe.

[03/01/2016 04:33:25] 🌴 yorick: Ted - Today 10:57 PM

> Okay so gabby saw that vaguepost and now she's suicidal again great.

well thanks a bunvh this really helped me feel better when i already self harmed yesterday because i was sick with worry that one of my other friends hated me because i told her i love her and now SHE SAID SHE'S TALKING TO GABBY TOO SO SHE REALLY HATES ME NOW THANKS THANKS THANKS THANKS THANKS

[03/01/2016 04:36:52] Ted: Can you just... Not vaguepost about people I'm friends with? That would solve a lot, actually.

[03/01/2016 04:39:57] Ted: If you could talk to someone not involved instead, that would be better because it wouldn't put unnecessary tension on people trying to balance both friendships.

[03/01/2016 04:44:38] Ted: I try to help everyone, and sometimes that means pointing out destructive behavioural patterns. That's what my psychologists have done for me in the past and a lot of my friends have found it helpful.

[03/01/2016 04:47:25] 🌴 yorick: fine next time i find out someone who i thought i was friends with literally hates trans people jews and sex workers i'll just keep my damn mouth shut since everything isMY FAULT and im an asshole for having narcissistic perrsonslity disorder and no empathy and now i know that you can't keep a secret when i literally deal every day with people hating me because im trans and jewish and fuck off with pretending you care about me whatsoever you're just being nice because you want me to say yes sir!!! and delete all the posts about gabby so fuckign fine you get your wish

[03/01/2016 04:49:09] Ted: Gabby doesn't hate trans people, she's scared of a certain someone who isn't you and was bad to her. I talk about my transition that I'm going through all the time with her.

[03/01/2016 04:49:24] Ted: And I doubt she hates Jewish people either.

[03/01/2016 04:55:42] 🌴 yorick: mom abused me my entire childhood but that doesn't mean i get to announce to the world that i hate women and FUCK OFF WITH CALLING ME DESTRUCTIVE AND CRAZY LEAVE ME ALONE

[03/01/2016 04:56:13] Ted: I didn't call you destructive or crazy.

[03/01/2016 04:57:20] Ted: Sometimes we develop coping mechanisms that may or may not be harmful to ourselves and others in the end.

[03/01/2016 08:03:38] *** Ted blocked 💎 yaakov ***

---

[03/01/2016 04:53:46] Clare 🐻: Hey Ted can I talk to you

[03/01/2016 04:54:03] Ted: Yeah.

[03/01/2016 04:55:00] Ted: I know yorick thinks everyone hates them and I'm sorry for causing all of this. I'm trying to make it up but idk.

[03/01/2016 04:56:38] Clare 🐻: Right now I think they're most upset about you apparently saying they're destructive and should see a therapist?

[03/01/2016 04:57:53] Ted: "I try to help everyone, and sometimes that means pointing out destructive behavioural patterns. That's what my psychologists have done for me in the past and a lot of my friends have found it helpful."

[03/01/2016 04:58:55] Ted: A lot of this has been basically me talking calmly trying to explain that I'm not trying to attack them with words.

[03/01/2016 04:59:16] Ted: And that nobody else is tbh.

[03/01/2016 05:02:03] Clare 🐻: What do you mean by calmly

[03/01/2016 05:02:24] Clare 🐻: Like just no yelling, or being super zen

[03/01/2016 05:03:00] Ted: The first bit was emotional, the next not so much.

[03/01/2016 05:03:50] Ted: I am feeling pretty Zen right now but that's probably because I'm tired out from the meltdown I had earlier.

[03/01/2016 05:04:12] Ted: Insomnia yaaaay

[03/01/2016 05:06:15] Ted: I'm such a piece of shit friend, no wait. I know that's not true. I'm a great friend but sometimes I make catastrophic mistakes and it leads to situations like this where I have to argue about things that may exist or may not, but if they do then only pathetically.

[03/01/2016 05:09:49] Clare 🐻: Things that may exist or may not?

[03/01/2016 05:10:17] Ted: Gabby's supposed transphobia or antisemitism

[03/01/2016 05:11:03] Ted: Like, there's no way she's a threat. She cares too much and I'm too on the ball.

[03/01/2016 05:11:52] Clare 🐻: So you mean like, if she is antisemetic or transphobic, it's to such a low degree that it doesn't matter?

[03/01/2016 05:14:44] Ted: Pretty much. Like, I talk about being trans all the time. I'm going for transition and gabby is supportive. And I'm pretty sure she's not antisemitic, just anti-abrahamic maybe but it's for valid reasons. We've talked about theology and she knows that a few verses aren't indicative of a whole religion and its followers because she knows me as an example of a christian and I've talked about christians I know.

[03/01/2016 05:16:59 | Edited 05:16:58] Ted: Like, not that it doesn't matter but that it doesn't automatically affect how she views someone who belongs to those groups.

[03/01/2016 05:29:26] Clare 🐻: Well I understand where you're coming from but I worry that it's dangerous to ignore low degrees of prejudice--as I understand it gabby's only instance of transphobia is her radfem leanings, but in itself that's still enough to make a lot of trans people really uncomfortable really fast.

Obviously it's at the discretion of every individual, and I don't mean to imply gabby isn't a good friend to you--just that however you perceive her views it's clear that Yorick doesn't share that perception, and feels unsafe talking to her

however you feel about Yorick and their beliefs (from what I understand there was a respectful disagreement earlier?) i think you really hurt their feelings with the destructive behavior/therapy stuff, even if that wasn't your intent--they feel like you're saying they're destructive, or like they're not worth listening to, I think

[03/01/2016 05:31:15] Ted: And I have since explained that that was not what I was saying. I have been challenging gabby on her terf leanings consistently since they came to light, something I have also said to yorick.

[03/01/2016 05:34:05] Clare 🐻: Could you tell me what you were saying or trying to say

I'm getting a lot of third person info ;;

[03/01/2016 05:36:07] Ted: I don't have access to tumblr im at the moment.

[03/01/2016 05:36:40] Ted: I also can't copy more than one message at a time from skype.

[03/01/2016 05:37:13] Clare 🐻: Oh I just meant could you like. Paraphrase

[03/01/2016 05:38:34] Ted: Like as far as I can remember I said "I'm working on the terf thing" and what yorick's been accusing gabby of is that she outright hates trans people and jews

[03/01/2016 05:42:14] Ted: I've never seen her reblog anything overtly terf or antisemitic. (yorick and I disagreed on the antisemitism inherent in this one post, which is what started the argument basically because I didn't understand what they were getting at. I do now understand what they were getting at but I feel like it was more just antisemitic by association than overtly antisemitic as they were portraying)

[03/01/2016 05:43:14] Clare 🐻: So like, antisemetic via anti-Abrahamic religion

[03/01/2016 05:43:20] Ted: A lot of my beef with yorick is about their skewed portrayal of people's views, which wouldn't be a problem if they weren't so public about it.

[03/01/2016 05:43:22] Ted: Yeah.

[03/01/2016 05:43:30] Ted: Exactly.

[03/01/2016 05:43:41] Clare 🐻: So public about it?

[03/01/2016 05:44:28 | Edited 05:46:23] Ted: Vagueposting publicly. Gabby felt like she was being called out for views she doesnt have and that's why she deleted and started contemplating suicide.

[03/01/2016 05:45:37 | Edited 05:46:44] Ted: I should have used better judgement in that case but i really did not know that this would happen because of one vent.

[03/01/2016 05:48:16] Ted: Yorick expects me to have perfect judgment and automatically know 100% their current status with all known friends.

[03/01/2016 05:49:01] Ted: And if I make a mistake well obviously I hate them and agree with every single one of their enemies.

[03/01/2016 05:51:48] Clare 🐻: Mm, and I think yorick feels like you were blaming them for making gabby suicidal when you talked earlier?

My perspective is like

the whole point of vagueblogging is that it doesn't call the person out

I think with Yorick it's less about making mistakes and more about owning up to them and trying to better, which is their big beef with gabby--like as I understand it Yorick doesn't see you as an enemy, but as a friend, which is why what they interpreted you as having said hurt them as much as it did. Like you still care about them, right?

[03/01/2016 05:53:44] Ted: Yeah, of course. But vagueposting is inherently risky and can often feel manipulative if it's obvious who it's about.

[03/01/2016 05:55:09] Ted: When you're being yelled at it's hard not to feel attacked. And when I get yelled at I go into my self-preservation mode to stop me from going back into that spiral of depression, psychosos and anxiety.

[03/01/2016 05:55:56] Ted: And that involves instantly dismissing any criticism until I'm in a state where I can think clearly.

[03/01/2016 05:57:31] Ted: I would never vaguepost to a community about a member of that community - especially a friend. I've always seen more harm than good come from a vaguepost.

[03/01/2016 06:02:42] Clare 🐻: Idk I think there's a certain merit in vagueblogging, as a way to blow off steam without Starting Shit--like this was all on yoricks main right? So not even in the community

That being said I get what you mean about the dynamic that emerges when it's obvious who's being talked about--but nobody is guiltless of that in this case

[03/01/2016 06:03:14] Ted: Actually it was on their neoblog - I don't follow their main.

[03/01/2016 06:03:41] Clare 🐻: Oh whoops. Scratch that then

[03/01/2016 06:05:04] Ted: They've vagueposted before about a friend of mine in terms that made their identity clearly obvious to anyone in the neotag who had been paying attention to their dashboards lately.

[03/01/2016 06:07:09] Ted: On their neoblog.

[03/01/2016 06:08:45] Ted: And you know what set off my argument with archiie - a vaguepost.

[03/01/2016 06:10:18] Ted: In those cases all it does is serve to turn the person who was vagueposted about into the aggressor, whether they were or not to begin with.

[03/01/2016 06:14:18] Clare 🐻: What would you recommend instead though?

[03/01/2016 06:14:41] Ted: Venting to an uninvolved party.

[03/01/2016 06:15:46] Ted: Which can help to clear your head and give you perspective, as well as confirmation when required.

[03/01/2016 06:22:36] Clare 🐻: What if there isn't an uninvolved party

[03/01/2016 06:23:56] Ted: Then you just gotta bite the bullet and talk to someone who is involved. Vagueposting when everyone is involved is a recipe for disaster.

[03/01/2016 06:30:54] Clare 🐻: I agree with the vagueblogging part but not the talking to someone involved part, like you were venting to gabby earlier right? And it turned into this clusterfuck of a situation. Would you not vagueblog about it if you could go back in time?

[03/01/2016 06:32:00] Ted: Idk, I needed to vent to someone. I didn't tell her about the vaguepost because i knew that would upset her.

[03/01/2016 06:32:29] Ted: I was going towards a meltdown. I need to vent when that is the case.

[03/01/2016 06:33:42] Ted: It was partly also so she didn't think I was ignoring her, because she's been on a dangerous self-loathing streak lately.

[03/01/2016 06:37:18] Clare 🐻: Yeah I can understand that

Idk I just think vagueblogging or even like, making a Facebook status are a lot less liable to cause trouble, but that's just based on my experiences, & where I think Yorick was at earlier

[03/01/2016 06:39:55] Ted: My sister's ex girlfriend once vagueposted about her on facebook and some of my sister's friends liked it because they didn't have context, but my sister saw it and basically had a mental breakdown over it.

[03/01/2016 06:41:19] Ted: Had I not been there to jump in as defender, it would have lead to another suicide attempt.

[03/01/2016 06:43:24] Ted: There's a difference between vagueblogging to vent and vagueblogging to manipulate. With the latter, people do it so they know that their mutual friends don't hate them for their falling out with the other person, which can be very helpful to know but can be seriously damaging to the other person.

[03/01/2016 06:43:53] Ted: I'm not calling yorick manipulative btw.

[03/01/2016 06:44:08] Ted: I'm talking about a normal human reaction here.

[03/01/2016 06:44:11] Clare 🐻: Ah good I was just about to ask

[03/01/2016 06:47:46] Clare 🐻: to me yoricks initial vagueblogging was just venting

If they wanted support or agreement it would be a lot easier to vague about it in a group chat

& yeah it got progressively more overt but they were basically blogging at each other at that point

[03/01/2016 06:48:30] Ted: Gabby's post wasn't in response to yorick's.

[03/01/2016 06:48:41] Ted: That was also my mistake.

[03/01/2016 06:49:53] Ted: Yorick told me they'd unfollowed her, so I figured, like, since it wasn't common knowledge, that particular disagreement... You know?

[03/01/2016 06:50:28] Ted: Also i didn't see what went down on tumblr after I posted my fic.

[03/01/2016 06:51:21] Ted: She needed to vent.

[03/01/2016 06:51:37] Ted: Man I'm such a hypocrite.

[03/01/2016 06:52:00] Ted: I didn't know that yorick would be checking her blog either.

[03/01/2016 06:52:21] Ted: They told me they'd unfollowed, so I assumed that was it.

[03/01/2016 06:52:43] Ted: Gabby's been afraid of yorick for quite a while.

[03/01/2016 06:53:43] Ted: I shouldn't have mentioned them at all. But can you see why I don't want to tell yorick my reasoning in what mistake I made?

[03/01/2016 06:54:21] Ted: To tell them that gabby was afraid of them would cause very bad things.

[03/01/2016 06:55:26] Ted: I'm usually so good at the mediation thing, giving people space to vent.

[03/01/2016 06:56:18] Ted: It's when I'm yelled at for trying to explain a different point of view that I just close up and end up needing to vent myself, which makes me part of the problem.

[03/01/2016 06:56:49] Ted: I forgot the circles of crisis, support inwards dump outwards.

[03/01/2016 06:57:10] Ted: I guess I didn't have anyone else to dump onto at the time.

[03/01/2016 06:58:41] Ted: Everything's shit now.

[03/01/2016 06:59:13] Ted: It's my stupid fault for caring.

[03/01/2016 07:08:37] Ted: No it's not. Idk. Caring is useful. I feel numb. On the one hand I know I'm entitled to be upset by this but on the other my cbt kicks in and tells me I don't have to be upset so I just... I just...

[03/01/2016 07:32:43] Clare 🐻: Hey now. I don't think it's anybody's fault. You couldn't have foreseen this, and it's better to vent than keep it all inside.

Everybody involved is really upset and you're all blaming yourselves but the only thing anybody can do now is apologize, try to learn, and most importantly tend to individual mental health

[03/01/2016 07:33:12] Ted: Hard to do that when someone is vaguely accusing you of being an anti-Semite in their tags.

[03/01/2016 07:33:56] Ted: Tend to individual mental health, I mean.

[03/01/2016 07:38:59] Clare 🐻: Fair point

But it's hard for Yorick to tend their mental health when they perceive antisemitism, too

Idk since I'm catholic I'm inclined to err on the side of shutting up as fast as possible, bc I know shit all about Judaism outside of Passover

Imo it's a lot less stressful to do research than talk to ppl, but I'm an awkward little hermit. So

[03/01/2016 07:39:27] Ted: they are giving the impression (and actually stated to me) that when they call someone an anti-Semite they mean that they hate all jews

[03/01/2016 07:40:09] Ted: oh and now they've changed their skype name to "destructive behaviour"

[03/01/2016 07:40:29] Ted: I cannot

[03/01/2016 07:40:31] Ted: i can't

[03/01/2016 07:40:33] Ted: i

[03/01/2016 07:44:45] Ted: i just want it to stop

[03/01/2016 07:45:15] Ted: everything feels like a stab in the heart

[03/01/2016 07:45:42] Ted: i was going to be okay but now i'm not okay at all

[03/01/2016 07:46:27] Ted: i know they're not doing it to hurt me but

[03/01/2016 07:46:31] Ted: i can't deal with this

[03/01/2016 07:46:56] Ted: i can't do anything i can't block them they'll take it personally

[03/01/2016 07:49:27] Ted: this is primary 2 all over again i can't deal with this

[03/01/2016 08:01:09] Clare 🐻: They're doing it to stab themself in the heart tbqh

They worry a lot about their behavior

[03/01/2016 08:01:14] Clare 🐻: Here you know what

[03/01/2016 08:01:25] Clare 🐻: I'm formally asking you to block them

[03/01/2016 08:03:12] Clare 🐻: I'll let them know I asked, they won't take it personally, and you both take a break to sort through everything individually

[03/01/2016 08:04:29] Ted: i like yorick

[03/01/2016 08:04:41] Ted: how will i know when to unblock them

[03/01/2016 08:06:15] Clare 🐻: I don't know tbh

I'm hoping a sign presents itself

[03/01/2016 08:06:53] Ted: they still think of me as an anti-Semite and probably a transphobe too

[03/01/2016 08:11:20] Clare 🐻: Well I know they don't think you're a transphobe, and idrk what you guys talked about re: religion so I can't comment on the antisemitism but I think mostly they're upset because they think you see them as like a destructive lunatic

Like you're both more conscious of how you think the other person sees you than how you see the other person, if that makes sense

[03/01/2016 08:12:27] Ted: Filed under HOW CAN I CHILL WHEN Y'ALL ARE ANTISEMITES HUH,not neo

[03/01/2016 08:13:57] Ted: and if their standards for gabby and their standards for me are the same, they think i am an anti-Semite and transphobe because i defended someone they see as a terf and an antisemite

[03/01/2016 08:14:43] Ted: i was about to go copy something they said to me in the skype chat but i forgot i blocked them

[03/01/2016 08:17:15] Ted: and i cannot say anything about how they made me feel because they are easily upset and already think that i hate them

[03/01/2016 08:18:05] Ted: idk, i'm going round in circles

---

---

[03/01/2016 15:21:05] Clare 🐻: How are the circles going

[03/01/2016 15:21:49] Ted: I'm talking to yorick again, so it's turned into more of a wiggly line now.

[03/01/2016 15:22:23] Clare 🐻: What's going on w that

[03/01/2016 15:23:35] Ted: From what I gather, they made a possibly half-hearted attempt at suicide and are now freaking out that everyone's going to call them a baby for not following through.

[03/01/2016 15:23:58] Ted: They think that me and gabby and Shelby all hate them because they have npd.

[03/01/2016 15:24:57] Ted: When, even if I did hate them, it wouldn't be for having a mental illness, it would be from their effectively running gabby from the community.

[03/01/2016 15:26:08] Ted: And maybe for yelling at me when I was trying to help, idk. But I can see when someone's having a breakdown while talking to me and I'm more lenient on them usually.

[03/01/2016 15:26:18] Ted: Idk if that makes sense?

[03/01/2016 15:29:55] Ted: I'm not very good with open questions

[03/01/2016 15:43:35] Clare 🐻: To be fair though vagueblogging is hardly running someone from the community

Like Yorick takes things really personally, that's probably the biggest npd thing they do, so to complain about something in what they interpreted as a safe space, and then have all this shit happen, like...

I dunno man, yorick feels like shit and it does seem like a lot of people are shutting the door on them because of their pd, you know? Not you necessarily, idrk what's up with you two, but... People shut them out for stuff that they hate about themselves. You know?

[03/01/2016 15:48:31] Ted: That doesn't make their behaviour any less hurtful though. I feel like I am going to have to step back from my friendship with them because I really cannot deal with being yelled at while I'm having a meltdown and I'm sure they're the same. I don't want to make them feel like I'm yelling at them every time we have a disagreement.

[03/01/2016 15:56:42] Ted: We're just going to keep hurting each other unless something changes.

[03/01/2016 16:00:02] Clare 🐻: I can understand that. & like I get that it's hurtful to be told you're antisemetic or whatever else but I just want you to recognize they aren't saying that to hurt you or to get their way, they're just trying to communicate how deeply antisemitism (real or perceived) from a friend hurts them

And really, I do understand where you're coming from, I just don't think friend-dumping them is the answer here

[03/01/2016 16:00:59] Ted: Do you know why I even asked yorick who they were vagueposting about? Because I thought "wow, that sounds like a really awful person" and I wanted to know who it was so I could avoid them.

[03/01/2016 16:02:07] Clare 🐻: So what does that mean for you and gabby?

[03/01/2016 16:03:19] Ted: That I had to help yorick understand that gabby wasn't being a threat.

[03/01/2016 16:04:06] Ted: That interpretation of the post is what she would have expected everyone to have, which is why she deleted her tumblr and wanted to kill herself.

[03/01/2016 16:05:12] Ted: That's why I wanted to try and help yorick reroute their coping mechanisms into something that isn't going to lose them friends.

[03/01/2016 16:05:57] Ted: It's a destructive feedback loop, which is what I was trying to get at.

[03/01/2016 16:06:29] Ted: Vagueposting about someone in the community is a great way to get people to start taking sides.

[03/01/2016 16:07:44] Ted: And unfortunately for yorick, I'm taking sides with gabby.

[03/01/2016 16:10:21] Clare 🐻: So you did basically tell yorick they were destructive and needed therapy

[03/01/2016 16:10:22] Clare 🐻: ?

[03/01/2016 16:10:59] Ted: I already gave you the quote earlier.

[03/01/2016 16:11:26 | Edited 16:11:16] Clare 🐻: Yeah I just didn't read it that way initially so I'm. Confused

[03/01/2016 16:13:20] Ted: I basically told them I was trying to challenge and help with what I saw as destructive behavioural/thought patterns, which was what psychologists have done for me and what I have done for my other friends in the past. They took it the wrong way, it seems.

[03/01/2016 16:14:57] Ted: There's a difference between what I was saying and what they perceived me as saying, and that seems to be a consistent problem with yorick. I cant operate as a friend under these conditions because i have a natural urge to comfort.

[03/01/2016 16:20:47] Clare 🐻: Well yeah, but they spend a shit ton of time worrying that they're destructive so it's not exactly comforting to have a friend tell them they're overreacting and they're gonna drive people away

Like that shit hurts, you know

I get that you were just trying to help, which is awesome, but. Idk if you don't know how someone feels about their illness then suggesting ways to 'fix' it might not be a great idea

[03/01/2016 16:21:32] Ted: Well if they want to drive me away then so be it.

[03/01/2016 16:22:14] Clare 🐻: Dude.

[03/01/2016 16:22:21] Ted: I have to be honest with people. It's how I'm programmed. I cannot be friends with yorick if it means denying my own feelings.

[03/01/2016 16:22:45] Ted: Idk, I know they don't want to but that seems to be your argument.

[03/01/2016 16:23:24] Ted: That I shouldn't try to comfort a friend who's feeling like everyone's out to get them when they're not.

[03/01/2016 16:23:41] Clare 🐻: That's not my argument at all.

[03/01/2016 16:24:09] Ted: So tell me, how do i explain to yprick that we're not all out to get them without implying that they're overreacting.

[03/01/2016 16:25:29] Clare 🐻: I'm saying you shouldn't tell a friend how to feel about being triggered, much less tell them that their being upset is driving people off

[03/01/2016 16:25:51] Ted: I didn't even say that, explicitly.

[03/01/2016 16:26:18] Clare 🐻: Then what were you saying

[03/01/2016 16:26:37] Ted: So what should I do when yorick starts driving people off? Nothing?

[03/01/2016 16:27:02] Ted: It's not their being upset, it's the way they channel those emotions.

[03/01/2016 16:27:18] Clare 🐻: Yeah, nothing

[03/01/2016 16:27:34] Ted: Then I cannot be friends with yorick.

[03/01/2016 16:27:56] Ted: If that is what they need, then I cannot be the friend they need.

[03/01/2016 16:30:02] Ted: Friends don't ask friends for something they can't provide, and yorick's and my needs are incompatible.

[03/01/2016 16:31:27] Clare 🐻: You can't backseat drive peoples' lives, though

Like if yorick makes mistakes it's not your job as their friend to point it out and tell them how to fix it. That's some helicopter parent shit right there

[03/01/2016 16:32:17] Ted: I only ever try to offer comfort and advice. It's when people YELL AT ME for it that I cannot be their friend.

[03/01/2016 16:32:54] Ted: I offered comfort because they sounded distressed.

[03/01/2016 16:33:32] Ted: My friendship with gabby, for instance, does not include yelling at someone who's trying to help.

[03/01/2016 16:35:07] Clare 🐻: I respect the motive of trying to help but I just can't see how that advice could be interpreted as anything but criticism

[03/01/2016 16:35:54] Ted: You didn't see the whole conversation, and I am unable to provide a transcript

[03/01/2016 16:36:41 | Edited 16:36:31] Ted: What I tried to say was "gabby doesn't mean those things" but yorick took it as "you're overreacting and I hate you"

[03/01/2016 16:37:31] Ted: But hey, I should be used to people getting the wrong impression from my words, I'm fucking autistic.

[03/01/2016 16:38:32] Ted: No one ever cares if there's something going on outside of what they've been told of me. No allistic ever gets the wrong impression of my actions therefore the allistic is to be believed over me.

[03/01/2016 16:39:26 | Edited 16:48:05] Ted: I'm not saying this is what's happening in your case it just happens too fucking often and I'm sick of always being the misunderstood victim who only tried to help.

[03/01/2016 16:40:26] Ted: But hey, usually helping does work so I can see when I might be better off leaving someone who would be better helped by a friendship with someone else.

[03/01/2016 16:42:31 | Edited 16:43:21] Ted: Something my psychologist helped me to see is that emotional reactions to someone's behaviour is to be expected. People yorick hurts by their coping mechanisms have as much right to be hurt as they did in the first place.

[03/01/2016 16:43:21] Ted: Just like I don't fault yorick for being hurt by my "criticism"

[03/01/2016 16:44:54] Ted: Or by gabby's reblogs

[03/01/2016 16:54:08] Clare 🐻: It seems like you do tbh like that's the whole reason you're friend dumping them, no?

I don't mean to imply that people can't be hurt by yorick. I worry more that people dismiss yoricks opinions when they're hurt

Idk what's happened to you in the past because of your autism but it sounds like people misinterpreted a lot of stuff, and you know what? That sucks. That's fucking awful, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But people do that to yorick, too. It's not fair that either of you should be discredited or ignored for how your brains work.

[03/01/2016 16:55:27] Ted: How my brain works and how yorick's brain works are not compatible for a healthy friendship.

[03/01/2016 16:56:02] Ted: We're too similar but too different.

[03/01/2016 16:57:50] Ted: I feel like I am not allowed to have an opinion around yorick that differs even slightly from their own. A big part of my friendships involves discussing and debating each others points of view.

[03/01/2016 16:58:44] Ted: I feel like I cant express myself in case it hurts them, yet feeling safe to express myself is a need.

[03/01/2016 16:59:59] Ted: Do you see why I feel we are incompatible as friends?

[03/01/2016 17:23:37] Clare 🐻: I think so but it kind of seems like it's because of their npd which you said earlier it wasn't so now idk

[03/01/2016 17:25:07] Ted: I said I didn't hate them for their npd, but their needs as a person with npd and my needs as a person with autism make us incompatible.

---

[03/01/2016 19:16:16] Clare 🐻: Yorick wanted me to ask if you could unblock them for a minute? I think they want to apologize

[03/01/2016 19:16:51] Ted: I don't know how to do that from my phone :(

[03/01/2016 19:59:50] Clare 🐻: Apparently you add them then click on their profile? I think there's a toggle or something idrk

[03/01/2016 20:03:54] Ted: What's their username?

[03/01/2016 20:04:45] Ted: Like, I'm not going to lie to them. I don't really know if this is a good idea.

[03/01/2016 20:05:09] Clare 🐻: [[removed]] I think

[03/01/2016 20:05:43] Clare 🐻: Idt you're gonna have to lie to them like really I think they just wanna say sorry

[03/01/2016 20:06:19] Ted: I'll give them that opportunity.

---

[03/01/2016 20:07:02] Ted: I unblocked you.

[03/01/2016 20:21:53] 🌴 yorick: clare said you were mad at me because i was yelling at you and i tried to apologize last night but you had already blocked me so im sorry i yelled at you

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[03/01/2016 20:30:01] Ted: idk what to say that won't hurt them or be a lie

[03/01/2016 20:31:51] Ted: honestly this whole argument has drained me. it's been going on for more than 24 hours and I've only had 3 hours sleep because of it.

[03/01/2016 20:32:18] Ted: i'm not in a good place to judge what is and is not a harsh thing to say

[03/01/2016 20:32:48] Ted: can you give my love to yorick and let them know that i'm not ignoring them out of spite?

[03/01/2016 20:37:08] Clare 🐻: Yeah, of course

[03/01/2016 20:37:24] Ted: thank you

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[04/01/2016 14:00:08] Ted: What's important to you in a friend?

[04/01/2016 15:28:45] 🌴 yorick: they care about me and love me and are honest and i can trust them with my secrets

[04/01/2016 15:30:50] Ted: I accidentally say or do things that end up offending people or hurt them. You've seen me do it before and it's going to keep happening. It's not something I can change about myself.

[04/01/2016 15:33:49] 🌴 yorick: everyone hurts people and being a good friend isn't about never hurting or offending your friends, it's about how you rectify the situation after you know you've hurt or offend someone

[04/01/2016 15:37:03] Ted: I need to feel free to express myself honestly, I need a friend who knows that when I am harsh, it is not because I want to hurt them. When someone takes what I say the wrong way, it's very triggering for me. It reminds me of all the people who have gotten the wrong end of the stick and punished me for it without letting me explain.

[04/01/2016 15:44:13] 🌴 yorick: i can understand not wanting to be punished when you didn't do anything wrong

because how do you think i feel when you tell me in more words that you don't want to be friends anymore immediately after a suicide attempt

how do you think i felt when i tried to apologize for it and you willfully didn't acknowledge my apology even to say "hey can we talk about this later" and instead told clare that you weren't going to speak to me

how do you think i felt when all day yesterday i was crying and couldn't eat or drink anything and not understanding why i was being punished for trying to kms and the only reason i was able to sleep last night without trying again is because clare talked me down

[04/01/2016 15:45:39] Ted: I explained to Clare why I couldn't talk to you and asked her to pass on my feelings. I could not talk to you at that time.

[04/01/2016 15:46:51] Ted: When I try to explain things when tired or emotional, that is when I am more likely to hurt someone with my words. I knew you were already hurt, and I didn't want to hurt you any more.

[04/01/2016 15:48:27] 🌴 yorick: you hurt me by ignoring me

[04/01/2016 15:49:14] Ted: I asked her to tell you that I wasn't doing it to hurt you.

[04/01/2016 15:50:40] Ted: Please stop expecting me to know what to say. I will hurt you. Please let me go so that I can stop hurting you. I'm not a good friend for you, yorick.

[04/01/2016 15:54:46] 🌴 yorick: i don't CARE if you hurt me

friends hurt each other

i care that you won't apologize for hurting me even though it wasn't your intention to

even though you didn't mean to, you still hurt me and instead of trying to rectify it you're doing the opposite and making up excuse after excuse for why you were justified in everything you did and now you're going to cut me out of your life for something that could be made okay if you just said you're sorry

[04/01/2016 15:57:30] Ted: Clare told me it's better that I say nothing than say something that might hurt you. The hurting you was unintentional, but I need to express myself. This is why i say our needs are not compatible. I am not sorry for what I said when I was trying to calm you down.

[04/01/2016 15:59:01] Ted: Irl it's a constant that I am portrayed as an aggressor simply for having an emotional reaction. Yet it is unhealthy for me to repress my emotions.

[04/01/2016 16:00:36] Ted: I'm sorry that I hurt you yorick, really I am, but it's not something I can change.

[04/01/2016 16:01:17] 🌴 yorick: clare isn't me

why are you taking clare's words about what i want over mine

i would rather fix things than toss a friendship aside

i forgive you and i still want to be friends

[04/01/2016 16:02:20] 🌴 yorick: i already said i don't care if you say something that hurts me

all that matters is that i know afterwards that you still care about me

[04/01/2016 16:04:34] Ted: I don't like hurting my friends, but it's clear that the way I try to help when somebody else hurts you only hurts you more.

[04/01/2016 16:09:05] 🌴 yorick: cutting me out of your life over some small shit that escalated is going to hurt me worlds more than anything you could ever say to me

friends abandoning me is my worst fear and it happens so often

at thisbpoint it's your call but i thought i should tell you that i don't blame you for being emotional

so

yeah

[04/01/2016 16:10:31] Ted: Do you know why the content of the vaguepost hurt Gabby so much?

[04/01/2016 16:11:05] 🌴 yorick: no

[04/01/2016 16:12:06] Ted: Because she thought that everyone who knew it was about her would turn on her because they would think she was evil and selfish.

[04/01/2016 16:14:40] 🌴 yorick: then i'm sorry for personally hurting gabby

that was an emotional reaction on my part at seeing someone i had been friends with sympathizes with views that are dangerous to me, being a jewish trans person, but i didn't mean to hurt her personally and im sorry

[04/01/2016 16:17:18] Ted: That is understandable, and I forgive you. I just want to let you know that the reason I asked who it was about was because I saw it and thought "wow, that sounds like a horrible person" and I wanted to know who it was so I could avoid them.

[04/01/2016 16:21:45] 🌴 yorick: do you and gabby know why i reacted so badly to what she said

gender essentialism is transphobic violence, and lumping jews in with christians ("monotheists") and painting us as a misogynistic oppressor religion is antisemitic violence and the latter is a tactic frequently used by white supremacists

i am still sorry for hurting her but i think it's important that you know i didn't pull this conflict out of my ass and that this stuff really hurt me too

[04/01/2016 16:22:17] Ted: I know, and I'm sorry.

[04/01/2016 16:22:40] Ted: Should I pass on your apology to gabby?

[04/01/2016 16:23:33] 🌴 yorick: yea

[04/01/2016 16:23:43] 🌴 yorick: can me and you be friends again

[04/01/2016 16:23:53] Ted: Yes.

[04/01/2016 16:24:50] 🌴 yorick: do you really really mean it

[04/01/2016 16:26:13] Ted: I do. Thank you for explaining things to me.

[04/01/2016 16:27:27] 🌴 yorick: do you wanna virtually hug it out

[04/01/2016 16:27:52] Ted: okay *hugs*

[04/01/2016 16:32:20] 🌴 yorick: the new year has been full of fighting so far so i'm reverting back to using the hebrew calendar

the new year 5777 doesn't start until october so i have plenty of time to start being nice

[04/01/2016 16:34:21] Ted: Well you've already made a start by patching things up with me.

[04/01/2016 16:36:59] 🌴 yorick: so are we really foreally friends i need assurance

[04/01/2016 16:37:45] Ted: Yes. :)

[04/01/2016 16:38:51] 🌴 yorick: prove it by telling me i have cute neopets

[04/01/2016 16:40:01] Ted: Send me a link so I can be genuine.

[04/01/2016 16:44:20] 🌴 yorick: http://www.neopets.com/userlookup.phtml?user=supsujums look at my children

[04/01/2016 16:44:55] 🌴 yorick: fun sloth fact i traded a uc sloth halloween moehog for katfink

[04/01/2016 16:45:43] Ted: Wow, those are really cute!

[04/01/2016 16:53:36] 🌴 yorick: they like you too

[04/01/2016 16:53:54] Ted: Awwww!

---

[04/01/2016 15:48:17 | Removed 16:31:17] Ted: This message has been removed.

[04/01/2016 16:31:29] Ted: Nevermind, it's okay, we sorted it out.

[04/01/2016 21:37:07] Clare 🐻: Sorted what out?

[04/01/2016 21:37:36] Ted: The conflict.

[04/01/2016 21:49:28] Clare 🐻: Which conflict

[04/01/2016 21:50:33] Ted: The conflict me and yorick were having.

[04/01/2016 21:51:01] Ted: The one you were helping me make sense of the other night.

[04/01/2016 21:51:21] Clare 🐻: Ahhhh okay

[04/01/2016 21:51:50] Clare 🐻: So what did yall work out?

[04/01/2016 21:52:07] Ted: We're friends again.

[04/01/2016 21:52:57] Clare 🐻: Sweet!! Is everything okay?

[04/01/2016 21:54:17] Ted: So far, yeah. I mean gabby's still angry and will be for a very long time, but yorick understands why now.

[04/01/2016 21:56:08] Clare 🐻: Hmm alright

You and Yorick are cool though ?

[04/01/2016 21:57:49] Ted: Pretty much. They apologised and I apologised. I'm still shaken but I have perspective now.

[04/01/2016 22:03:41] Clare 🐻: Perspective?

[04/01/2016 22:05:25] Ted: Like, of what was going on and stuff. How yorick feels about me. Etc.

[04/01/2016 22:08:46] Clare 🐻: Ahh okay

---

[07/03/2016 02:11:34] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( i honestly don't feel welcome or safe in the neopets community ))

[07/03/2016 02:11:46] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( my own special interest fuckin hates me ))

[07/03/2016 04:26:00] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( if i was enough i wouldn't be like this!!!! i wouldn't have been sexually assaulted several times by my ex!!!! i wouldn't have been bullied and harassed throughout my entire school career!!!! ))

[08/03/2016 04:24:03] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( at this point i'm almost ready to outright write a suicide note on tumblr and start planning my funeral ))

[08/03/2016 04:25:40] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( but then there's the issue of quickly, efficiently, and painlessly dying. that's a doozy i haven't solved yet ))

[08/03/2016 04:29:38] Gabby "痛い" C.: (( the only reason i'm even thinking about staying alive is sheer obligation (example: you, my cats at home, etc) ))

---

[07/03/2016 00:58:41] Ted: weird request: can you reassure me that I didn't just alienate myself from the whole chat?

[07/03/2016 00:59:28] bean 📻: i don't think you alienated urself, nobody is really online rn and i didn't even see what happened ;;

[07/03/2016 01:00:21] Ted: just everyone suddenly stopped talking after I shared my link, and it wasn't on topic and just idk, I guess i'm still anxious from what happened the last time I was in a neotag group chat

[07/03/2016 01:01:00] bean 📻: don't sweat it, the chat gets really quiet up until the next neogames

the radio silence in there is totally normal and not because of ur link

[07/03/2016 01:01:17] Ted: thank you

---

[13/03/2016 04:16:35] bean 📻: Heyo, I just wanted to message you to let you know that a few people in the chat felt a little uncomfortable with the use of 'cr*zy

[13/03/2016 04:16:41] Ted: oh

[13/03/2016 04:16:46] Ted: but

[13/03/2016 04:17:04] Ted: what do I call him then?

[13/03/2016 04:17:43] bean 📻: well in the neogames I call him Dr Sloth Wannabe, but shorten it to DSW whenever something happens related to him

you can call him w/e you want, it's just that a few people felt a little uncomfortable w/ the slur

[13/03/2016 04:19:09] Ted: i

[13/03/2016 04:19:54] Ted: I would rather explain to them personally where the name comes from to be perfectly honest

[13/03/2016 04:21:59] bean 📻: I don't want to name any names because I don't want to tarnish your experience in chat, but a few of the people who spoke up told me that they've had that slur leveled against them and it makes them really uncomfortable to see someone else call their own OC by that

[13/03/2016 04:22:08] Ted: do these pesopl even know that I have a history wof sphychosis

[13/03/2016 04:22:50] Ted: that si t nknow gine well what it's like to bee  ac vifctim eof stignma

[13/03/2016 04:23:09] Ted: thisf inns't the first time

[13/03/2016 04:24:04] Ted: he is not some stereotype

[13/03/2016 04:24:14] Ted: his name is not a joke

[13/03/2016 04:24:40] Ted: it is so so important

[13/03/2016 04:25:18] Ted: and no bone wants to let sme expalina

[13/03/2016 04:26:19] Ted: therny nhthink i'm sar horrinle unfeeling s=person with too much privilege they think i'm enuteroytpical don't they the y think I don't know twhaat it's like to have horrible foivces telling me the rworld will be tbetter off when i'm edad

[13/03/2016 04:33:35] Ted: I had a very very bad time

[13/03/2016 04:35:22 | Edited 04:37:14] Ted: please either let me explain to them personally or idek just tell them to come to me when they have a problem with my character

[13/03/2016 04:38:43] Ted: i don't mind people coming eto me when they have a problem twith something im' doing

---

[13/03/2016 04:41:55] Ted: please say somethign

[13/03/2016 04:43:54] Ted: i really really do not like people talk ing behind hmy hback i harte it i whate ict

[13/03/2016 04:45:56] bean 📻: i'm sorry, I was imputing people into the games and I forgot to check skype

[13/03/2016 04:46:33] Ted: why sdo people stalk about nme beghin gd my back

[13/03/2016 04:46:53] Ted: instead of letting m e explain

[13/03/2016 04:46:58] Ted: they jumpe to conclusions

[13/03/2016 04:47:07] Ted: it walwasy happens

[13/03/2016 04:47:09] bean 📻: They came to me specifically because I'm the mod of the chat, and I'm the only one in there who has everyone added

[13/03/2016 04:47:47] bean 📻: I'm sorry that this has upset you, but they didn't have you added and didn't feel right just adding you to message you to stop using a word

[13/03/2016 04:48:43] Ted: can you tell htem that i have a history of psuchosis and have had crazy levelled at me also and that's hwy he is called crazy because I KNOW twhat stigma does

[13/03/2016 04:48:51] Ted: it's about stigma

[13/03/2016 04:48:58] Ted: the character is about wstigma

[13/03/2016 04:49:25] bean 📻: The people who've contacted me also deal with psychosis and it triggers them to see the word

[13/03/2016 04:50:35] Ted: i don't wknos what to do i can't scentsor myself whern ti comes to this he's too important to em

[13/03/2016 04:51:21] Ted: shoufl oi leace

[13/03/2016 04:51:35] bean 📻: No, you don't have to leave

[13/03/2016 04:52:06] Ted: no non ehas theat words likested in thiee spreadshrett

[13/03/2016 04:52:31] Ted: i c ouln'ts

[13/03/2016 04:52:47] Ted: you said it was a fww peorpl

[13/03/2016 04:53:14] Ted: now tyou're saying it's one peorpsn

[13/03/2016 04:54:37] Ted: moeaybe i read wont i'm sorry

[13/03/2016 04:54:39] bean 📻: It's not one person, one person out of the group told me that the word triggers them

[13/03/2016 04:55:16] Ted: whty is gevenyone wtalk ing boaut me

[13/03/2016 04:55:28] Ted: i have timnble

[13/03/2016 04:55:31] Ted: tubmbel

[13/03/2016 04:55:33] Ted: tumblr

[13/03/2016 04:56:33] Ted: ij have ensxplained beforea

==================================================

Record Number     : 151868

Action Type       : Chat Message

Action Time       : 13/03/2016 03:56:47

End Time          :

User Name         : [[removed]]

Display Name      : Ted

Duration          :

Chat Message      : i didn&apos;t want to intentionally trigger anyone and i am sorry

ChatID            : 19:45d8153bf4b24e7fb467915c835773bb@thread.skype

Filename          :

==================================================

==================================================

Record Number     : 151869

Action Type       : Chat Message

Action Time       : 13/03/2016 03:57:08

End Time          :

User Name         : [[removed]]

Display Name      : bean 📻

Duration          :

Chat Message      : don&apos;t sweat it ted, let&apos;s enjoy the games for tonight

ChatID            : 19:45d8153bf4b24e7fb467915c835773bb@thread.skype

Filename          :

==================================================

[13/03/2016 04:58:13] Ted: i can't enjoy myself right now i'm too skaekthen but tyou enhjoy

[13/03/2016 04:58:33] Ted: somebody sent me an asccusatyo anon while you were vgone

[13/03/2016 05:00:17] bean 📻: I'm sorry that people are sending you anons

[13/03/2016 05:00:44] Ted: it wasn about something differnte but it shook me

---

[13/03/2016 05:27:27] Ted: i'm sorry i get upset more easily when i'm tired i shouldn't stay up so late i'm sorry

[13/03/2016 05:27:59] bean 📻: it's okay, don't sweat it

---

[18/03/2016 09:43:53] Ted: Look, idk why you think it's okay to give yaakov a free pass to inflict whatever hurt they might while venting, then tell someone with autism that they're manipulative and controlling for doing the exact same thing (only in that instance I was trying to reach out, to help. Yaakov was doing no such thing.)

[18/03/2016 10:00:29] Ted: Autism limits the ways you can express yourself. It affects the way you perceive the world. It makes it hard to automatically understand how your words are going to affect other people. Does any of this sound familiar?

[18/03/2016 10:03:44] Ted: It was my mistake getting involved in the first place. I should have just left it, but yaakov sounded so upset, and the person in the vaguepost sounded like an awful human being. I had no idea it was gabby until they told me. And I naïvely assumed that if yaakov was vagueposting about someone, they must have them blocked and therefore won't see their posts. I was dead wrong.

[18/03/2016 10:06:02] Ted: I've since managed to see yaakov's vagueposting for what it was intended to be, but that doesn't stop it from hurting people. Gabby would have found out about it at some point, and her reaction would have been the same. I am glad I was online, bc I fear if i wasn't she would have seriously attempted to take her own life.

[18/03/2016 10:07:03] Ted: And yeah, I was angry, but instead of gossiping about yaakov behind their back, I went to them with the issue.

[18/03/2016 10:08:40] Ted: This is what I would want under the circumstances. It's what I thought anyone with a neurodivergency would want. My timing was bad and I seriously regret some of the decisions I made that night.

[18/03/2016 10:11:12] Ted: People like me and gabby, we can't handle being talked about behind our backs because we have a chronic history of "getting it wrong". We often don't know if we've hurt someone until they tell us to our face, and yaakov having confided in me about being unable to predict or imagine other people's emotions, I assumed they would be the same.

[18/03/2016 10:12:12] Ted: The rule is do not vaguepost about someone in front of their friends, and especially do not vaguepost about someone where they might see it.

[18/03/2016 10:13:39] Ted: However I didn't get to explain this to yaakov bc they were too busy accusing me of wanting them dead, of conspiring with gabby to laugh about them and make them want to die. Of being a bloody antisemite.

[18/03/2016 10:14:53] Ted: (sure I'm a bit out of touch, but I did hear their point, and I looked it up to find somebody explaining it in a way I understood)

[18/03/2016 10:17:44] Ted: I know from my own conversations with yaakov that our issues are very similar. It just seems to be the way we are programmed to deal with them that seems different, and that is why my reaction after the argument was "clearly our needs are incompatible"

[18/03/2016 10:18:15] Ted: That view was only reinforced by them taking that the wrong way

[18/03/2016 10:21:21] Ted: And now you're acting like it's gabby's fault for being upset that yaakov was seemingly spreading shit about her?

[18/03/2016 10:22:59] Ted: I was the one that made yaakov suicidal that night, yaakov was the one that made gabby suicidal that night, and you were the one that made me feel disrespected as a person (and yeah, if I'd been in a worse place and hadn't had cbt on my side, I would have considered suicide)

[18/03/2016 10:25:26] Ted: The question remains, how did you feel? Because from what I've seen you feel it's your burden to make sure everyone feels okay. And when someone is dumping a great negative feeling on you, that can suck you in, tire you, make you unable to see the emotions of the other person involved.

---

[3/17/2016 11:30:14 PM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like am i stressing you out by talking to you

[3/17/2016 11:41:09 PM] Clare 🐻: I mean. A little

It's less about stress & more about being.  uncomfortable

[3/17/2016 11:41:44 PM] Gabby "痛い" C.: how so

[3/17/2016 11:47:16 PM] Clare 🐻: Well there's the radfem stuff but mostly i just feel weird after all that stuff Ted said to yorick?

[3/17/2016 11:48:00 PM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like i can't necessarily control what ted has to say

[3/17/2016 11:58:09 PM] Clare 🐻: Well the stuff you said to yorick, too

[3/17/2016 11:58:23 PM] Gabby "痛い" C.: which stuff

[12:07:59 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: if this is about the monotheist comment again, i know i already explained this to you

but like i literally didn't know at the time for sure they were jewish and was trying to continge for that

[12:10:38 AM] Clare 🐻: Did you think he was like. Lying about being Jewish

[12:11:15 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like they had me softblocked for. a while

i was literally out of the loop

[12:15:10 AM] Clare 🐻: Ahh

Why the monotheism comment then

[12:15:48 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i was tipped off to that one post about "how all neopagans are neonazis"

[12:16:21 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: bc like ted and yorick were in something before and i wanted to see what the fuss was about

[12:16:47 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: >not realizing that yorick had _soft_blocked me at the time

[12:21:36 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: >that post i vagued about wasn't even the one ted and yorick were arguing about in the first place

[12:26:05 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: let's just get this argument done

[12:30:22 AM] Clare 🐻: I still don't understand why the monotheism comment

[12:31:15 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like it was literally a blanket statement because i didn't know if they were jewish or like, one of those pro-israel christians or what

like i said, i was literally out of the loop

[12:31:37 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i didn't know they had mentioned they were jewish like anywhere?????

[12:34:02 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i didn't even find out until you and ted told me

[12:34:09 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: after i deleted

[12:37:10 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i'm not sure what kind of answer you're expecting

[12:42:22 AM] Clare 🐻: I think more I'm confused about why make a monotheism comment in general

[12:43:37 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: the original comment they were vaguing about that i was vaguing back about was religion related so????

it made sense to me at the time

[12:47:58 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: of course i'm so out of the damn loop it doesn't matter

[12:53:10 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: that's all i've got to say that isn't going to go in a loop

[12:54:51 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: because that's what i've got to say about the situation

[12:58:37 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: literally the only reason i know jack shit about anyone from the tag anymore is bc ted mentions that sort of thing from the time to time

[1:03:53 AM | Edited 1:03:49 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: then again, ted's literally the only person i've been in regular contact with from the tag in quite some time

[1:17:53 AM] Clare 🐻: Idrk what defines the Loop but. In the case of Yorick being Jewish that's not really privileged information

[1:18:40 AM] Clare 🐻: & it feels like an unfair way to retaliate you know

[1:19:26 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like there was no signs that

i picked up on

[1:19:46 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like nothing was obvious???

[1:20:21 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i was trying to be inclusive but sufficiently vague at the same time

[1:21:05 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: trying to toe the line between a reblog with why they're mistaken and respecting the don't reblog tag

[1:25:50 AM] Clare 🐻: If nothing was obvious then why blog abt his religion like. I understand turning it around but either you did or didn't know he was Jewish & blogging about monotheists seems pretty. Direct

[1:28:23 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like it was literally just a guess. like. the post they made was clearly attack on something i'm interested in, stating it like it was the whole truth. i was clapping back presuming they were one of the big three (christian was originally what i was going for)

[1:28:55 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: the original post was about religion

[1:43:30 AM] Clare 🐻: See but that's the trouble. You can't lump Christianity in with Judaism and Islam. Like. Two of those are persecuted and murdered and discriminated against by the third.

Like if all the neopagans Yorick has dealt with had been neonazis maybe talking shit about Judaism isn't a great way to break the stereotype

[1:44:29 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like no one takes me fuckin seriously anyways and tbh i didn't even expect them to see that vague

[1:47:25 AM] Clare 🐻: But he did see it, and he took it seriously. Feeling like people don't take you seriously isn't license to say whatever

[1:48:07 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: well, you know, vagueblogging in general isn't exactly good practice either

[1:49:30 AM] Clare 🐻: I guess?? I think it has its uses. Venting, etc

[1:49:45 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: and like i was angry triggered at the time

[1:52:08 AM] Clare 🐻: Still not a great reason to shit talk judaism though ?

[1:53:11 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: well i deleted and i'm deleting again so that way they'll never have to worry about someone who is clearly such a massive piece of shit

[2:03:14 AM] Clare 🐻: I don't think he knows you came back in the first place tbh so that's not gonna. do much

I'm not really sure where you're getting massive piece of shit from but if that's how you feel about this then like. Deleting isn't the answer? That's not gonna make anything right u know, you've gotta try to understand and stop talking shit about minorities

[2:03:56 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like i'm the massive piece of shit

[2:04:08 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i know i'm the horrible person

[2:04:20 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i know i'm a waste of space

[2:04:48 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i know i should just kill myself already, so that way someone less fortunate than i can live

[2:05:48 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: and this feeling has been here long before this incident happened

[2:08:01 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i know my anger is useless and worth nothing

[2:09:53 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i've fucking known i've been the whole reason all this shit went down

[2:10:03 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: even tho it wasn't even what i intended

[2:11:44 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: and i know i told ted not to tell yorick off for me leaving

[2:11:51 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: but ey did anyways

[2:18:07 AM] Clare 🐻: Well like you said you can't necessarily control what Ted says

Like just. Baby steps. Not using monotheism as an umbrella term when generalizing. Acknowledging transwomen. That kind of thing

[2:19:04 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i never stopped acknoweldging transwomen tho??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????///

[2:19:52 AM] Clare 🐻: Oh typo my bad

I meant acknowledging them as women

[2:20:40 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i don't have the energy to argue rn

[2:21:43 AM] Clare 🐻: Okay

[2:22:14 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: this... was excrutiating

[2:26:01 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i've gained little i didn't already know, except why you weren't replying to anything i had to send you recently

[2:26:10 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: thanks

[2:29:30 AM] Clare 🐻: Uh

You're welcome?

I kind of feel like you're saying you just disregarded all the stuff I tried to tell you & im not really sure what to do with that

[2:29:49 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: no i didn't disregard everything you said

[2:29:57 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i just already knew it

[2:30:13 AM] Clare 🐻: I'm confused

[2:30:31 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like idk how to put it in words rn

[2:30:39 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: but like idk

[2:36:19 AM] Clare 🐻: Okay well sorry this was excruciating

[2:36:41 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like you don't have to be apologizing for that

[2:38:41 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: honestly i feel like you're attributing an overly rational mindset to me, completely glossing over the fact that i was feeling

[2:40:47 AM] Clare 🐻: Just now?

[2:41:08 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like in the most recent argument

[2:41:30 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like i was so fucking upset at the time

[2:42:03 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: like at the time of the original vague

[2:42:14 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: and you act like i was totally cool and calm and collected

[2:51:50 AM] Clare 🐻: I don't really think that so I'm sorry if I gave that impression

[2:51:59 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: ok

[2:52:24 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: (sorry if i seem bitchy i'm really tired and not quite sober rn)

[2:53:30 AM] Clare 🐻: Nah you don't seem bitchy

Maybe we should just pick this up another time

[2:54:04 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i want this to be resolved now so that way i'll know if we'll ever talk to each other ever again or if i should just never return to the tag ever again

[3:01:37 AM] Clare 🐻: I mean I think we will as long as there's not any more trouble

[3:02:01 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i'm skeptical tbh but okay

[3:14:19 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: there. i deleted, i'm never coming back to the tag ever again.

[3:26:40 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: everyone else deserves a safe space

but i deserve to be fucking lynched

[3:26:45 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: good night

[3:29:31 AM] Clare 🐻: Nobody's gonna lynch you & if you want to make a safe space you don't have to leave, you just have to respect people

[3:34:30 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: i respect people and guess what? they don't respect me back

[3:34:59 AM] Gabby "痛い" C.: it's been that way all my damn life

[3:57:48 AM] Clare 🐻: That sucks, ngl

It's a shitty thing to be disrespected your whole life & it's one thing to snap back at them but it's another to go after other marginalized ppl

This ain't the food chain & you gotta vent steam upwards or you'll get mold

---

[19/03/2016 00:57:59] Clare 🐻: okay I'm gonna break this down by points bc that's a lot of information to process

1. I don't give Yaakov free passes to inflict hurt. like I'm sorry if you were hurt by their venting but I'm not going to go all tonepolice and "not all Christians" on something I, a catholic, am not in a position to understand

2. autism is not stereotypically associated with being manipulative and controlling, so i'm not sure why you bring it up in this context unless it's as an excuse not to be called out for anything?

3. I understand that you were trying to reach out and help but there is no context in which it is appropriate to tell someone the things you told Yaakov that night. like regardless of your intentions, saying to someone that they're destructive and driving people away isn't helping. it's not an intervention; it's you messaging someone who's already upset and telling them bluntly that you think they're a bad person. you can't compare that to yorick vagueblogging about antisemitism.

4. i'm not sure if you're saying that I called you manipulative/controlling or that Yaakov did so idk what to say to that

5. I understand that you have autism, and to some degree, i understand how it affects your expression and perception

6. if you thought it was awful when it was vagueblogging, what changed when the mask was lifted, so to speak? what about the context affected your reaction?

7. You weren't wrong. Yorick did have her blocked, and if she hadn't gone to his blog directly, she wouldn't have seen his posts, even as reblogs. unless you mean you were wrong about how blocking works, in which case nvm

8. gabby would not have found out, nor would she have known that it was directed at her. i'm glad you were online to keep her safe, and help her to not hurt herself, but the only reason she became aware of yorick's reaction to her post is because you brought it to her attention. I don't mean to blame you or cast aspersions but the only reason she was reading yorick's blog is because you decided to vent to her. yaakov didn't message her directly for a reason--because he also knew how she would react. he didn't want to to provoke a reaction. he just wanted to vent his feelings about antisemitic posts like the ones gabby was reblogging

9. you say that like going to yaakov with the issue was the right decision. and like you weren't "gossiping" with gabby at the same time

10. if you want people to approach you under those same circumstances, you need to become more approachable, and respond to criticism without immediate denials

11. you can't have it both ways. either you want people to tell you "to your face" when you've hurt them, or yorick was being unruly and horrible for telling you your advice about 'destructive behavior' was mean and unsolicited

12.  I can understand that it was an honest mistake, thinking that that's what yaakov would want under the circumstances, but he's not neurotypical either. empathy might be tricky but like. just take a minute to imagine you have a chronic history of worrying you were doing X, and then someone you were opening up to told you "you do X all the time and you need to get that looked at". like what if yorick had said to you about "getting it wrong" what you said to them about "destructive behavior"? how would that have made you feel?

13. That's not a rule anyone agreed to. Maybe not vagueblogging about people where they might see it, but again, the only way Gabby was going to see that was if she was on yorick's blog directly

14. once again, yorick is neurodivergent too--and you certainly weren't giving him reason to believe you wanted him alive. i'm not going to speak on his behalf regarding his brain stuff but, friend dumping someone immediately after they try to kill themselves isn't exactly a "hey, glad you're not dead"

15. not being jewish myself, I can't really speak to the anti-Semitism, but in the same way that "not all men" isn't usually a feminist slogan, "not all Christians" doesn't bode well u know

16. Similarly, not sharing your or Yaakov's disorders I don't really want to speculate about how they affect y'all but I just don't understand how "our needs are incompatible" is indicative of any kind of attempt at respect or inquiry

17. Vagueblogging isn't "spreading shit". It's venting. You spread it, man. Not yorick.

18. It is in no way Gabby's fault that she's upset, and I don't fault her for having feelings or a negative reaction to all the shit that went down. If I fault her for anything, it's the way she chose to retaliate, and we've talked about that, and I think I've made my stance clear.

18. So you're guilty, yaakov is guilty, i'm guilty--what about gabby? she's not blameless in this situation, ted. none of us are. it's one thing to accuse me of giving yakko a free pass, but you can't turn around and do that for gabby at the same time. yorick didn't start this. yorick vagueblogged about a very antisemitic post of Gabby's. gabby started all of this.

19. I'm sorry if I made you feel disrespected as a person--that was never my intention, and if you can be more specific I'll apologize more specifically and try my damnedest not to do it again. Looking at the logs, I honestly don't know where I went wrong so I would appreciate whatever insight you could provide

20. How did I feel? Do you really want to know? I'm exhausted. Making sure people feel okay isn't a burden, it's my responsibility as a member of this community, and no matter how tiring it is I will always try to keep this a safe space. Yes, I may be a little overly empathetic, but the emotions of one person don't cloud my judgment, nor my perception of other people's feelings. I understand how you and Gabby felt, even if I don't understand why, and I understand how yorick felt. That was one of the shittiest nights of my damn life. I'm depressed and neurodivergent and chronically ill. I have so little energy, and so few spoons, and i'm so easily stressed that I basically huck it all out the window first thing in the morning. waking up to find an elaborately choreographed parade of bullshit is not my idea of a good time.

I was so scared, and so worried, and so angry

i'm so tired of this

[19/03/2016 13:47:38] Ted: 1. I wasn't hurt by their venting. What I was hurt by were their accusations, which left me confused and scared.

2. You accused me of trying to backseat drive people's lives. That is where I am taking manipulative and controlling from.

3. I didn't mean to imply that Yaakov was a bad person. Sometimes good people hurt other people by accident, and it was the wrong time for me to try and confront them about the way they were handling things. I've already apologised for this, and I was under the impression that me and Yaakov were friends again.

4. See point 2.

5. The reason I said “sound familiar?” was because it overlaps with Yaakov's description of NPD, and correlates with the times you have said “but you can't think of them negatively for that, they have NPD” when you are faulting both me and Gabby for having the same difficulties.

6. When speaking to someone face to face, you have the ability to reason and negotiate. You have opened a dialogue privately with that person and are not airing the dirty laundry, so to speak. When I saw how upset Yaakov was, and when they brought up points about my own behaviour, my tone changed. This is an example of why talking to people is better than vaguing, in my opinion.

7. I was under the impression that Yaakov had only soft-blocked her, but I'm probably getting my dates muddled up about the implementation of the new block system, so I'm sorry about that.

8. She would have found out eventually that Yaakov was vagueposting about her. It wasn't the first vaguepost, and the only reason I vented to her (she had no idea it was anything to do with her, tbf) was because she's the only person who makes an effort to regularly talk to me. (Okay, there's one more person now but we're still not that close that I'd be comfortable venting about someone.)

9. I wasn't gossiping. When I have an argument with a friend and need to vent to another friend, I generally keep the more harmful content out of it. I tried in this case to give the impression that it had nothing at all to do with anything to do with Gabby, but of course that backfired. I was not gossiping with Gabby about the content of my argument with Yaakov.

10. There's a difference between a denial and an explanation. If people come to me with accusations that I feel are false or misleading, of course my response is going to be more of a “sorry I hurt you, but I think you're misreading the situation” tack. I've had anons come to me in the past saying they're uncomfortable about something I've said, and I've immediately apologised and deleted or modified the post as necessary. There was another time when a mutual of mine said something very mean to me on anon, and after they explained to me (again on anon) what had caused it to happen, I forgave them. (I had to spend a good deal of time comforting them after that, but overall, confronting the anon directly had a much better effect on everyone's emotions after the fact than just getting upset and/or vaguing about it would have done.)

11. I never said that Yaakov was being unruly and horrible for telling me my advice wasn't wanted. Neither of us were in a place to accept perceived criticism or accusations that night, and we since apologised to each other - Yaakov for yelling at me and me for hurting Yaakov.

12. I didn't say they were neurotypical. In fact, my whole reasoning for approaching Yaakov in the way I did was that they are not neurotypical. When I am in a situation of worrying that I'm doing X, it helps me to be told “actually, you are doing X and here are possible ways you can minimise that effect. Thoughts?” I don't want to be in the dark, worrying about how my actions affect others, especially when the CBT I was given was all about not overworrying and letting people come to you if they have a problem.

13. If Yaakov had Gabby blocked, why were they seeing her posts and reblogs? Were they on Gabby's blog? If so, why is it inconceivable that Gabby would also be looking at Yaakov's blog. Yaakov had interacted with Gabby before in a way that made her feel bullied, and if Yaakov's reasoning for looking at Gabby's blog was that she was intimidating, I feel like this point is only going to go round in circles.

14. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. At the time, I thought I was being responsible by recognising that we would only end up hurting each other if I tried to be a good friend (which was a flawed response, as we have already discussed, and my timing was super bad). My reasoning was that by trying to comfort Yaakov earlier in the day, I had upset them more. By trying to explain how their actions were affecting others, I drove them to try and commit suicide. When I know that I'm hurting someone and I don't know how to stop, I remove myself from the situation so that I won't keep hurting them and can maybe gain some perspective on what went wrong.

15. I never used “not all Christians”, and that was never my argument. I don't understand what led you to that conclusion.

16. You seemed to be asking that I don't get involved when a friend hurts a friend. Yaakov also seemed to be telling me that I shouldn't have let them know that they'd hurt Gabby. This was where “our needs are incompatible” came from.

17. Very antisemitic? Do you even know what the post said? It was something along the lines of “the holy men declared our monthly bleeding unclean”, which could have been a reference to any number of current events. I didn't flag it as antisemitic until Yaakov pointed it out, and Gabby certainly had no idea of any antisemitic intent of the post. It was a reblog, not her own.

18. (1) This is the same thing that bothered me about Yaakov. If by “chose to retaliate” you mean the vaguepost she made in response, that was my fault. If you mean by deleting her blog, that's not going to be solved by making her think she won't be listened to.

18. (2) My beef with you is you aren't even trying to ascertain what we said or think before you jump to your own conclusions. My reason for contacting you is because, from what Gabby said, it seemed you were blaming your hesitancy to speak with her (which imo is totally valid bc you're so close with Yaakov) on what I had said to Yaakov. (In other words implying that you don't want to speak with her because she's friends with me.) From what I understand, you think that Gabby doesn't believe that trans women are women, when she does. There was a time when she wanted to believe the TERF lie, but that was before I found out that her then-girlfriend was a manipulative rapist and encouraged her to end it. I've been giving her support ever since, countering any views that border on transphobia in a way she can understand, without yelling at her or accusing her of wanting people to die.

19. You didn't ask me to clarify what my views were before believing what somebody else had said about me. That's what made me feel de-personified. Like you were talking at me or telling me off instead of trying to resolve my feelings (which I think is what you were trying to do, and is what I perceived that at the time).

20. I don't know what you mean by “an elaborately choreographed parade of bullshit”, so if you could elaborate on that I would be thankful. I'm sorry if this was a bad time. I can only ever time things based on my own spoons, but I understand if you want to wait to respond. I know I do a lot of the time. It lets me calm down and process everything, try out different contexts for interpretation, and collect my thoughts, as well as wait for a time when I am able to express myself coherently.

[19/03/2016 13:47:52] Ted: 20. (cont.) I know how it feels to care about everyone and for it to seem like no one else does. However, asking what is wrong and trying to soothe their fears is more effective than telling someone “I can't see your reasoning as valid”. I made mistakes with Yaakov, and I apologised for them. If Yaakov is still upset about what I said, please let them come to me at a time of their choosing, when their spoons allow. As long as they realise that I don't hate them, that I care about their feelings, then I am happy with our friendship as it is.

---

[20/03/2016 11:34:49] Ted: Okay, scratch all of that, I didn't realise they were so scared of me. I'm gonna send one final apology and then leave you guys alone for good. I'm sorry for all the hurt that I've caused.

---

---

--

[21/03/2016 21:50:24] [[removed]]: hey can we please talk for a sec because i'm under the impression that you've been stalking my friend's blog. if not, i apologize for the unnecessary confrontation, but if you are indeed doing this, please stop.

[21/03/2016 21:51:57] Ted: I don't mean to stalk I'm just so worried about them bc I upset them really bad and I'm stupid and I don't know that I'm hurting anyone until it's too late

[21/03/2016 21:52:29] [[removed]]: they don't want you viewing their blog. they are not comfortable with you doing that.

[21/03/2016 21:53:10] [[removed]]: you cannot reconcile everything that goes wrong. please just leave them be.

[21/03/2016 21:53:56] Ted: Did they message me back? I can't access tumblr right now

[21/03/2016 21:54:59] [[removed]]: they have vented to me that they are extremely uncomfortable with whoever it is from scotland who's viewing their blog.

[21/03/2016 21:55:27] [[removed]]: the best thing you can do is step back and leave them alone.

[21/03/2016 21:55:35] Ted: I will

[21/03/2016 21:55:52] [[removed]]: as in, don't view their blog. don't do it repeatedly, don't do it occasionally. leave them alone.

[21/03/2016 21:55:58] Ted: Yeah

[21/03/2016 21:56:42] Ted: I understand what it's like to feel harassed. I'm very sorry and I will definitely leave them alone now

[21/03/2016 21:56:55] [[removed]]: please do so. thank you.

[21/03/2016 21:57:20] Ted: Thank you for telling me

---

[21/03/2016 21:58:19] Clare 🐻: Look you need to leave him alone. Like stay off his blog entirely.  What are you looking for

[21/03/2016 21:59:17] Ted: I was trying to check on them. [[removed]] already told me. I'm sorry for everything

[21/03/2016 22:00:46] Ted: If there was one last view there it's because I was making sure my phone wouldn't automatically stick me back on that page again

[21/03/2016 22:04:07] Clare 🐻: What were you checking on

[21/03/2016 22:05:08] Ted: To see if my apology had upset them I suppose

[21/03/2016 22:05:35] Ted: I'm on my phone rn so I can't access my inbox

[21/03/2016 22:09:30] Clare 🐻: Ah well. He's not upset but idt he's going to respond, he doesn't know what you're expecting him to say

[21/03/2016 22:10:15] Ted: Whether or not they want me to delete the art they gave me

[21/03/2016 22:11:07] Ted: And also "please just leave me alone" if that's what they wish

[21/03/2016 22:14:23] Ted: I really honestly cannot tell how someone is feeling unless I have some form of feedback, which is why I was checking their blog. I'm sorry.

[21/03/2016 22:17:16] Clare 🐻: You don't have to delete the art, he already drew it so it doesn't really matter

& yes he wants you to leave him alone, he's scared and uncomfortable

[21/03/2016 22:17:34] Ted: Ok

[21/03/2016 22:17:56] Ted: Thank you for telling me to my face

[21/03/2016 22:18:03] Ted: Goodbye

---

---

05/02/2016

oocneoblog: Hi, this probably seems like weird timing. I told myself to wait until I wasn't so upset and paranoid and thinking everything was a conspiracy. But I guess my brain won't let me do that any more than it's done, so... I guess... can you tell me why I was removed from the neogames skype group?

oocneoblog: I just kind of... need to know in words... I'm sorry.

mojavescript: Hi there, you were removed from the group because several people were made to feel unsafe, including Yaakov/Yorick. Although it may not affect you, others were feeling extremely uncomfortable about the slurs you were using. It's been months now, so I'm not entirely sure why you're bringing this up.

oocneoblog: Did Yaakov tell you what happened?

oocneoblog: (also i did stop using the word "crazy" after you told me about it. I wasn't meaning to have a go at you or anything here. I'm bringing it up because of sticky/intrusive thoughts that won't leave me alone.)

oocneoblog: (like, i didn't even know yaakov was upset. i had to find out from a vaguepost that one of my mutuals reblogged. i felt shitty about the whole thing and i still feel like i was misrepresented. but i did cause hurt but i didn't know about it and i just. i never know where i am with people. i wish they'd just talk to me.)

mojavescript: Yaakov did tell me what happened, and they felt uncomfortable with you checking up on their blog after the whole incident went down. Yakko also asked you to stop talking about them to other people. I'm sorry that you're having intrusive thoughts, but things have settled down on our end of the matter.

oocneoblog: I just don't know what to do anymore. I need to talk to someone about it but I can't talk to anyone.

My psychologist is on maternity leave as well.

And has been since before the incident.

Did Yaakov tell you what went down before? Did Clare tell you why I sent that big long spiel?

mojavescript: I'm not on a psychologist, and I don't know if I can help you. Which spiel??

oocneoblog: The one that made Yaakov upset. That I sent to Clare and assumed she'd be wise enough not to show to Yaakov, since it was a private conversation about my feelings.

mojavescript: I have no idea what you're talking about, can you elaborate??

oocneoblog: I don't know I don't know I don't know what I'm allowed to say and what I'm not I'm sorry I'm sorry

I thought Yaakov told you and that was why you removed me

oocneoblog: Oh no no no I've said too much you didn't know oh no no please i didn't mean to i just want the reminders to stop but i can't do that without talking but i don't want to spread all that shit among people that didn't know because that's shit spreading and i don't want to do that i don't want to alienate anyone

mojavescript: Yakko told me that they were uncomfortable with the slur usage, that's it. That's why I removed you. I thought that's what you were talking about.

oocneoblog: No

I hadn't even done that after you said why would that be the problem i didn't use it again

oocneoblog: i don't see how i can explain without going into things that happened months ago but suffice to say clare said something about a previous argument i had with yaakov about a friend of mine and that's why i sent what i sent, because she said she couldn't understand

she kept saying she couldn't understand why i'd said what i said that time so i tried to explain

oocneoblog: but she showed it to yaakov and i didn't know until i saw that vaguepost

and then you removed me the very next day

oocneoblog: nobody understands that i need to be told if i'm doing something wrong

if i'm upsetting them i need to know because i don't do that intentionally

i'm not an allistic i can't pick up on these things i can't always know if something i'm about to say is going to hurt someone

mojavescript: Can I ask Clare what happened so I can get a better idea of what went down?

oocneoblog: I don't know. I don't know what I'm allowed to do. I promised to leave them alone but that was before these thoughts started trailing me everywhere

mojavescript: Are you still following them? If you are, maybe it's in your best interest to unfollow them?

oocneoblog: I'm not following either of them

Haven't for a long time

mojavescript: Okay. I'm gonna talk to Clare.

oocneoblog: i was already uncomfortable around her because of things she'd said to me before

mojavescript: What things?

oocneoblog: patronising things, when i was upset, things like "i get that empathy is difficult but just try putting yourself into someone else's shoes" when i'm not allistic, my brain works differently so what's good for me isn't what's good for an allistic

but when i tried to explain that i got talked over and accused of trying to friend-dump yaakov post suicide attempt

oocneoblog: did you tell yaakov i was talking about them

mojavescript: From Clare: "okay so I mentioned to a mutual friend of ours that I was uncomfortable w ted, & I guess the friend in turn mentioned this to ted, bc I woke up to 15 messages about why yorick sucks and I let them get away with everything

So this is in relation to what went down, I think.

oocneoblog: she said to mutual friend she was uncomfortable talking to said friend because of things that i said

and she repeatedly said "i can't understand how anyone would ever think those things are okay to say to someone"

oocneoblog: so i tried to explain how i had felt and why

that is what i sent here

*her

it was never meant to be a list of reasons yaakov sucks

mojavescript: I don't know exactly how to help you, since I'm so removed from the situation, in addition to the fact that I have no idea what was said between you, Yaakov, or Clare. I understand that you're hurting, but I don't know what to do to help you. I'm sorry.

oocneoblog: did you tell yaakov

mojavescript: No, but Clare might've??

oocneoblog: she must have

mojavescript: Again, I have no idea what's going on so I don't know how I can help.

oocneoblog: it's out of your hands now

oocneoblog: i'm sorry

mojavescript: ???

oocneoblog: yaakov is saying things to me on skype

(assuming you're looking for context)

oocneoblog: so yaakov admitted it had nothing to do with slur usage and everything to do with our argument

i don't know how to feel anymore

i guess i feel vulnerable

idk

oocneoblog: they said "have a nice day" and i don't think i ever can after this

idk idk idk i'm sorry it's not your fault i shouldn't have brought it up i'm awful i shouldn't have said anything

oocneoblog: but they have this big support group they can tell anything to and everyone will believe them

mojavescript: Listen, Ted, you're right, you shouldn't've brought this up to me. The situation has been resolved, and bringing it up will only make it start back up again. Even if you haven't made peace with this, others have, and you'll have to find peace your own way that doesn't involve dredging up drama that's been resolved.

oocneoblog: I didn't mean to dredge anything up I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I put you through this stress I really am.

I'm sorry.

---

[02/05/2016 23:04:22] 🍏 yaakov: ted idk what your deal is but i would appreciate if you would stop bringing up the situation from months ago, again and again, to people who were not even involved

i already asked you to stop talking about me to other people and everything was fine but now you've brought it up again, just like you brought it up to clare before

i don't know what you want but you ssid you'd leave me alone

messaging my friends and forcing them to be trapped in the crossfire of a situation that could have been over months ago is not leaving me alone

i don't talk about you or mention you to my friends until you bring it up again, so i'm not sure why you're so insistent on talking about me with people.

just let the situation die. it's already resolved. thanks

[02/05/2016 23:05:51] Ted: it's not though

[02/05/2016 23:05:57] Ted: I got no closure

[02/05/2016 23:06:04] Ted: i only got isolation

[02/05/2016 23:06:14] Ted: and now i have intrusive thoughts

[02/05/2016 23:06:26] Ted: who even told you i was talking about you

[02/05/2016 23:06:34] Ted: i wasn't talking about you, i was talking about me

[02/05/2016 23:08:04] Ted: i have literally no one to talk to about how traumatised i feel

[02/05/2016 23:13:04] 🍏 yaakov: you are 4 years older than i am and stalked my blog and sent 35 messages of shit talk about me to my partner when she said she felt uncomfortable talking to gabby because of what you said to me. you told me to seek therapy for my "destructive behavior"

im not isolating you. i distanced myself to keep myself safe from abuse.

[02/05/2016 23:13:19] Ted: i did not

[02/05/2016 23:13:22] Ted: i never said that

[02/05/2016 23:14:20] Ted: I try to help everyone, and sometimes that means pointing out destructive behavioural patterns. That's what my psychologists have done for me in the past and a lot of my friends have found it helpful.

[02/05/2016 23:14:27] Ted: how is that telling you to seek therapy

[02/05/2016 23:14:58] Ted: i was worried about you because of the vagueposting and i know how hurtful it can feel to see a vaguepost

[02/05/2016 23:15:16] Ted: what i sent to clare was supposed to be an explanation of my emotions

[02/05/2016 23:15:34] Ted: i really do not understand why she sent it to you

[02/05/2016 23:15:43] Ted: she must have known it would upset you

[02/05/2016 23:16:51] 🍏 yaakov: probably the same reason you told gabby what i posted in the first place that started all this!

or maybe not

i still don't know why you did that

[02/05/2016 23:17:00] Ted: i didn't tell her what you posted

[02/05/2016 23:17:20] Ted: or that you posted about her

[02/05/2016 23:19:44] 🍏 yaakov: ok. i don't really care either way because

a. it was months ago

b. i said i want to be left alone

i only sent you a message because you brought it up again and here we are, with you talking about it again, not leaving me alone

[02/05/2016 23:20:11] Ted: you used to care

[02/05/2016 23:20:19] 🍏 yaakov: [2:43:53 AM] Ted: Look, idk why you think it's okay to give yaakov a free pass to inflict whatever hurt they might while venting, then tell someone with autism that they're manipulative and controlling for doing the exact same thing (only in that instance I was trying to reach out, to help. Yaakov was doing no such thing.)

i don't after this

[02/05/2016 23:21:33] Ted: clare told gabby she was uncomfortable talking to gabby because of things that i had supposedly said to you

[02/05/2016 23:22:21] Ted: why did you ask bean to remove me from the group chat

[02/05/2016 23:23:03] 🍏 yaakov: i don't feel safe around you after everything that happened

hence the request to leave me alone

[02/05/2016 23:23:18] Ted: why did you ask bean to remove me from the chat

[02/05/2016 23:23:29] Ted: it was a neogames chat

[02/05/2016 23:25:25] 🍏 yaakov: 🍏 yaakov - Today 6:23 PM

> i don't feel safe around you after everything that happened

doesn't matter what the chat was about, i didn't want you in there. you were removed after you sent clare that 20-point list of reasons i'm a horrible person, and i told bean i don't feel safe around you

[02/05/2016 23:25:45] Ted: bean was under the impression it was because i had used a certain word

[02/05/2016 23:26:28] 🍏 yaakov: it didn't have anything to do with that, though she might have read it that way

[02/05/2016 23:26:35] Ted: it was never meant to be a list of reasons you were a horrible person

[02/05/2016 23:26:51] Ted: i was just trying to explain how i felt

[02/05/2016 23:27:25] Ted: why did you see fit to isolate me from the first group chat i'd attempted in months

[02/05/2016 23:28:05] 🍏 yaakov: why did you see fit to tell me you didn't want to be friends an hour after i attempted suicide?

[02/05/2016 23:28:45] 🍏 yaakov: do you need anything else because i'd like this conversation to end

you make me feel unsafe

that is the answer to any future question you might have

[02/05/2016 23:29:23] Ted: because i knew that the communication difficulties that led to it would happen again, and lo and behold they did. i did want to be friends with you. but i didn't want to hurt you again, and i didn't want you to hurt me again. friends don't say things that make friends attempt suicide.

[02/05/2016 23:29:54] 🍏 yaakov: Ted - Today 6:29 PM

> friends don't say things that make friends attempt suicide.

exactly

[02/05/2016 23:29:59] 🍏 yaakov: have a nice day ted

[02/05/2016 23:30:23] Ted: so you're agreeing with me now after guilt tripping me into staying friends with you when i knew it was a bad idea???????

[02/05/2016 23:30:46] Ted: do you even know how i felt

[02/05/2016 23:31:04] Ted: i can never get anything right

[02/05/2016 23:31:12] 🍏 yaakov: go to hell, i had just attempted suicide

i almost died and i wasn't with my wits

i said have a nice day ted

[02/05/2016 23:31:20] Ted: fuck you

[03/05/2016 00:04:32] *** Ted blocked Loops [[removed]] DELETING SKYPE ***

---

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[03/05/2016 00:04:55] *** Ted blocked Clare 🐻 ***

[04/05/2016 23:21:10] Ted: i'm sorry. I know I tend to go on and on about things, especially when I don't fully understand what's going on. i'm sorry to make you feel like I was putting you in a stressful position, and i'm sorry I put you in a stressful position. I really don't know how not to be like this. I have trouble letting things go if I feel the issues were unresolved, and that's what put us in this mess. like, I don't necessarily want forgiveness. I don't think I want things to go back to the way they were. I just want some kind of resolution that puts everything to rest, not just a cold truce like has happened before.

[04/05/2016 23:21:49 | Edited 23:22:53] Ted: like, I still don't understand why I was removed from the chat. but that's specifically because bean told me not to worry after i'd apologised. it's not your problem.

[04/05/2016 23:25:12] Clare 🐻: It's not that you have to stop being this way, it's just that it's better to communicate directly, I guess? I have a hard time letting things go too, so I feel you there. What kind of a resolution are you looking for, ideally?

& I haven't really talked to Bean about it but my understanding was it was because of Cr*zy & people being uncomfortable with that? I could be wrong idk

[04/05/2016 23:25:41 | Edited 23:24:52] Ted: i guess i'll have to talk that over with bean then.

[04/05/2016 23:29:06] Ted: idk, one that ties up loose ends i suppose. from what gabby relayed to me, i'm satisfied that you understand where i was coming from and why it hurt me so badly. do you understand that i wasn't trying to turn anyone against Yaakov?

[04/05/2016 23:30:30] Ted: (shit, that wasn't supposed to sound sanctimonious. i'm sorry.)

[04/05/2016 23:31:56] Clare 🐻: I understand that you weren't trying to like, talk people into thinking he's evil or anything

to me it's more like... the way you were describing the situation was Bound To make people feel uncomfortable, I guess

[04/05/2016 23:32:30] Ted: i was trying to be as objective as possible. idk what else i could have done.

[04/05/2016 23:33:21] Ted: idk, i guess i was trying to be fair

[04/05/2016 23:34:32] Clare 🐻: yeah, I get that, I just felt like it was a misrepresentation of yorick's actions

[04/05/2016 23:34:49] Clare 🐻: it made me feel like you don't understand

[04/05/2016 23:35:23] Ted: i'm not going to understand all of it

[04/05/2016 23:36:03] Ted: i'm not jewish, I've not lived Yaakov's life, i don't know anything other than what they've been comfortable confiding with me

[04/05/2016 23:36:33] Clare 🐻: ah well I don't mean that you need to like. live his life or anything

[04/05/2016 23:36:52] Clare 🐻: just that it made me feel like you hadn't listened to us when we talked about it

[04/05/2016 23:37:07] Ted: i felt like neither of you had listened to me

[04/05/2016 23:38:28] Ted: like, i don't want to go into all that mess again, i just want you to know that i too felt i'd been dealt with unjustly

[04/05/2016 23:39:17] Ted: and that some of the things you were accusing me of were things that i hadn't done but you or Yaakov had, if you understand

[04/05/2016 23:40:38] Clare 🐻: I don't understand

[04/05/2016 23:40:41] Clare 🐻: which things

[04/05/2016 23:43:02] Ted: misrepresentation, accusations, trying to turn people against them. that sort of thing

[04/05/2016 23:44:58] Ted: (the trying to turn people against them thing... i'm not accusing them of doing anything like that on purpose but what with the timing of my expulsion from the group... i kinda thought they'd told bean (and potentially the whole group) the same exaggerated things they'd said in their vagueposts about me)

[04/05/2016 23:46:13] Ted: (and what with [[removed]] saying Yaakov was very uncomfortable with whomever it was from Scotland viewing their blog)

[04/05/2016 23:47:05] Ted: (like, i didn't feel safe. that's all i'm trying to say here i guess.)

[04/05/2016 23:53:39] Clare 🐻: Okay well. Misrepresentation is different from misinterpretation imo like. I still don't fully understand what you were going for, no matter how much you explain it. If I don't get it, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't ever deliberately skew things.

Idk I think we're both guilty of accusations--you accused both me and yakko of some serious shit, you know?

And I can say with 100% honesty neither I nor Yorick has ever tried to turn someone against you. You were expelled from the group because people were uncomfortable with the slur usage, & your explanations thereof. Yakko may have mentioned to Bean that he was uncomfortable w that; I honestly don't know.

[04/05/2016 23:56:44] Ted: from what i could gather, Yaakov told bean they were uncomfortable with me and bean assumed it was because of the slur. i don't know why she removed me as a contact but like i say i'd have to take it up with her. i'm not blaming anyone i just want to get to the bottom of it.

[04/05/2016 23:57:26] Ted: (could you clarify what i accused you of?)

[04/05/2016 23:59:55] Clare 🐻: well, you accused me of being patronizing and making you hypothetically suicidal

& you called yakko a bully, and destructive, and a whole bunch of shit that i'm not gonna list

[05/05/2016 00:00:10] Ted: i didn't call Yaakov a bully

[05/05/2016 00:00:40] Ted: there is a big difference between "i feel bullied" and "i'm being bullied"

[05/05/2016 00:00:40] Clare 🐻: okay, well, who were you calling a bully

[05/05/2016 00:00:56] Clare 🐻: I don't understand

[05/05/2016 00:01:00 | Edited 00:01:39] Ted: i said i felt bullied, regardless of whether Yaakov was a bully or not

[05/05/2016 00:01:21] Ted: i was being honest that it was my emotional response and not anything objective

[05/05/2016 00:02:12] Ted: tbh i kinda felt like you'd kind of ganged up on me, but we already sorted out that that wasn't the case now

[05/05/2016 00:04:01] Ted: by the way, i don't think making mistakes makes you a bad person

[05/05/2016 00:04:20] Ted: i don't think unintentionally upsetting people makes you a bad person

[05/05/2016 00:04:39] Ted: i don't even think lashing out at someone you feel is hurting you makes you a bad person

[05/05/2016 00:05:34] Clare 🐻: i don't know what to say to that. neither do i, i guess? it's how you deal with your mistakes that determines your character

[05/05/2016 00:06:18] Ted: i know i tried to learn from mine

---

[05/05/2016 00:08:12] Clare 🐻: i don't know what kind of resolution you're looking for, or what peace i can offer you

[05/05/2016 00:08:47] Clare 🐻: you were kicked from the chat because multiple people were uncomfortable with the slur usage & the way you addressed it

[05/05/2016 00:08:49] Clare 🐻: that's all i know

[05/05/2016 00:09:06] Ted: i apologised and never used the slur in the chat again

[05/05/2016 00:09:36] Clare 🐻: yes, but you continued to use it outside the chat

[05/05/2016 00:09:51] Clare 🐻: & your posts justifying it made people uncomfortable

[05/05/2016 00:10:16] Ted: have you ever had a psychotic breakdown

[05/05/2016 00:10:36] Clare 🐻: i don't feel comfortable answering that question

[05/05/2016 00:10:48] Ted: look, my usage of it is a response to stigma, not any attempt to perpetuate stigma

[05/05/2016 00:11:06] Clare 🐻: I understand that

[05/05/2016 00:11:16] Clare 🐻: and I understood where you were coming from

[05/05/2016 00:11:25] Clare 🐻: but people were still uncomfortable

[05/05/2016 00:11:33] Ted: and it being implied otherwise, behind my back, is what was so triggering to me that i had to reblog those posts justifying it

[05/05/2016 00:12:03] Ted: as i said before it's very hard to make amends with someone when you don't know who to make amends to

[05/05/2016 00:12:13] Ted: i'm sorry. i thought you were blaming me again.

[05/05/2016 00:12:17] Ted: i'm sorry.

[05/05/2016 00:13:34] Clare 🐻: I understand needing to know who was interpreting things that way, but I don't think even bean knows all of them. She got multiple messages, some on anon--and I don't think that anyone thought you were using the name Crazy to uphold the stigma. It's just the fact that it was a slur.

[05/05/2016 00:13:50] Clare 🐻: & they didn't find your justifications to be Reason Enough to use a slur.

[05/05/2016 00:14:07] Ted: i'm just sick of having to explain this time and time again and for people to not understand the context of why. i shouldn't have to bring up my history of mental health woes to justify it. it's not a universally agreed-upon slur within the mental health community.

[05/05/2016 00:15:10] Ted: i didn't hear of its designation as a slur until a couple of years after i joined tumblr, by which point even if i wanted to change it i couldn't

[05/05/2016 00:16:25] Ted: on top of the fact that i didn't name him that, he named himself that. and i didn't see a problem with it at the time so i went along with it.

[05/05/2016 00:18:35] Clare 🐻: Slurs don't need to universal to hurt people. In the same way that it's uncool to have a character named like, Queer, it's going to upset enough members of the community that it's representative of that there are other things to do. Other names to give.

[05/05/2016 00:18:59] Clare 🐻: Nobody sat down and said "wow ted is super ableist" it was just. "this is a slur and it makes me uncomfortable"

[05/05/2016 00:19:55] Ted: it felt like that was what they were saying

[05/05/2016 00:20:17] Clare 🐻: i can understand why it would

[05/05/2016 00:20:31] Clare 🐻: but no one said that. i don't think anyone even thought it

[05/05/2016 00:20:42] Ted: then why didn't they come to me

[05/05/2016 00:21:14] Clare 🐻: I think some people did, didn't they? You got messages about it

[05/05/2016 00:21:20] Ted: i didn't

[05/05/2016 00:21:22] Ted: at all

[05/05/2016 00:21:29] Ted: only from bean

[05/05/2016 00:22:16] Ted: i had to hear from bean that a group of people found it "disturbing that anyone would call their oc that"

[05/05/2016 00:22:32] Ted: a group of people i wanted so badly to call my friends

[05/05/2016 00:27:18] Clare 🐻: I don't know why no one messaged you. They may not have been comfortable approaching you, or maybe they just didn't know your url.

I don't know who among the chat had/voiced objections. I think it was good that you apologized in the chat but outside of the chat your actions didn't really reflect that, you know? It seemed like you were justifying its continued usage, not apologizing for the past.

[05/05/2016 00:28:31] Ted: i apologised for its use outside of my blog, where only people who are comfortable with it would follow me anyway

[05/05/2016 00:29:20] Clare 🐻: Okay

[05/05/2016 00:29:28] Clare 🐻: Like I said, I don't know who objected, so

[05/05/2016 00:29:35] Clare 🐻: I can't do anything with that information

[05/05/2016 00:29:37] Ted: yeah

[05/05/2016 00:29:46] Ted: like, idk

[05/05/2016 00:30:12] Ted: it did me good to get that out in the open and cleared up with you

[05/05/2016 00:30:31] Ted: thank you

[05/05/2016 00:30:45] Clare 🐻: Yeah, no problem, I'm glad I could help

[05/05/2016 00:30:51] Clare 🐻: I wish I could do more

[05/05/2016 00:31:21] Ted: even just that is a massive relief

[05/05/2016 00:32:09] Clare 🐻: what is? talking it out?

[05/05/2016 00:32:33] Ted: yeah, and knowing that you understand

[05/05/2016 00:33:35] Ted: i thought you didn't before, and that you held a beef with me for intentions i never had

[05/05/2016 00:34:21] Clare 🐻: Oh, yeah, definitely

it's a huge relief to actually Discuss Things

[05/05/2016 00:34:32] Ted: yes. i'm sorry i was so scared before.

[05/05/2016 00:35:13] Clare 🐻: i'm sorry i made you feel like you had to be

[05/05/2016 00:36:34] Ted: do you think i'm allowed to interact with Yaakov's posts or should i still avoid doing that

[05/05/2016 00:36:59] Clare 🐻: i'd still avoid it if i were you

[05/05/2016 00:37:07] Ted: okay, good to know

[05/05/2016 00:37:10] Clare 🐻: he's upset and scared himself

[05/05/2016 00:37:27] Ted: yeah

[05/05/2016 00:37:58] Ted: i wish there was something i could do about that but if leaving them alone is the best option then so be it

[05/05/2016 00:38:22] Ted: at least i don't have to be scared anymore. thank you clare

[05/05/2016 00:39:42] Clare 🐻: for real, no problem. thanks for talking to me about it

---

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06/28/2016 [[To Azzy. He never responded.]]

oocneoblog: could you tell me what you mean by what i've done before

i don't want to have a go at you i just want to know so i can think about it and hopefully modify my behaviour

07/12/2016

oocneoblog: please tell me it's been bugging me and i don't have the context to figure out which incident(s) you were talking about

---

[29/06/2016 04:39:20] Ted: What should I do now

[29/06/2016 04:41:58] Ted: I saw that post at a bad time when I was already triggered by something else

[29/06/2016 04:42:09] Ted: I really don't know what to do

[29/06/2016 06:20:10] Clare 🐻: I don't know there's anything you can do, really

just like, apologize sincerely, explain if you feel like you gotta but don't make excuses, wrap 'er on up

[29/06/2016 06:20:17] Clare 🐻: at least that's what i'd do

[29/06/2016 10:36:13] Ted: I already apologised tough. I apologised as soon as I saw yaakov's response and I realised I'd fucked up

[29/06/2016 10:37:04] Ted: Apologising again would just be saying the same things and I'd look like I was dragging it out

[29/06/2016 10:40:45] Ted: Honestly though, this is probably going to keep happening. I'm super paranoid and anyone I talk to who isn't friends with yaakov only makes my paranoia worse. I'm not sure if anyone realised how traumatic the first two incidents were for me. Instead of support and a chance to heal I get more anxiety, paranoia, sleepless nights and palpitations. I don't know what's wrong with me

[29/06/2016 10:57:13] Ted: Sticky thoughts. That's what's wrong with me. That's why I can't just leave a situation unresolved and forget about it forever.

[29/06/2016 11:00:51] Ted: I need to talk to the people involved and sort it out or else seek help from someone else to sort it for me. But it's clear none of you guys ever want to talk to me about what happened because it gave me negative feelings about yaakov. I can't tell who likes me and who is uncomfortable around me unless something happens. I just walk straight into it and then it looks like I'm doing it on purpose.

[29/06/2016 11:02:39] Ted: So I don't say anything but then it just builds up and builds up and something innocuous ends up triggering a complete system shutdown. I don't know how to stop this from happening.

[29/06/2016 22:42:39] Ted: maybe I was in the wrong for not wanting to vent to or reveal things to people who already disliked yaakov

[29/06/2016 22:47:38] Ted: idk it's just so complicated and I never know the right thing to do, balancing my needs with my desire not to be a burden on other people (would be easier if I even knew what my needs were half the time, but that only ever seems to come out when i'm too emotional to think clearly about my impact on other people. and that's a harmful trend. I know that. I just don't know what to do about it)

[29/06/2016 23:06:23] Clare 🐻: I don't really know what to say, then

If talking to people who don't like yakko makes you more paranoid, then I guess--don't do that?

The people who do like yakko... I guess I can only speak for me, but I don't want to talk about it because it was upsetting as hell, not because it made you not like yakko

We can talk about it if you want but I dont have much to say tbqh

If you need more support re: the first two incidents then I'm sorry, but I can't give it to you

[29/06/2016 23:10:12] Ted: it wasn't just that it made me more paranoid, also that I felt it would be wrong of me to give them more cause to dislike Yaakov, I guess. idk, i'm all muddled about it. but i'll stick to people who dislike Yaakov then. they're probably in a better place to give me support. i'm sorry about all this.

[29/06/2016 23:32:30] Clare 🐻: I know I can't like, magically change your opinion, and maybe I shouldn't even try to but like

Yorick is a good person, I know you guys have some issues & you're probably right when you say yall are incompatible but

I don't think doubling down is the right thing to do here

You should do whatever you think is best, like get the support you need, but don't just dislike yakko because it's easier, you know

[29/06/2016 23:33:21] Ted: it just felt a lot of the time like I was being punished for saying I was hurt

[29/06/2016 23:36:33] Clare 🐻: How do you mean

[29/06/2016 23:40:41] Ted: like, do you remember when I left that first group chat?

[29/06/2016 23:41:16] Ted: idk, that's probably not a true example

[29/06/2016 23:42:07] Ted: I just... whenever I told anyone I was upset, Yaakov would end up thinking I was attacking them

[29/06/2016 23:46:30] Ted: i mean fair enough in this instance i was definitely lashing out, but it's never felt like anyone was taking my emotional state into account when judging my actions

[29/06/2016 23:47:01] Ted: (that was true of the first group chat, the second misunderstanding, and everything since)

[30/06/2016 00:14:00] Clare 🐻: I get why you'd feel like that but I don't think it was necessarily... Relevant?

Not to say your emotional state doesn't matter but just that it doesn't automatically excuse the stuff you did, you feel me

Like you can't do this with impunity you know? It's not a get out of responsibility free card. People can take your feelings into account and still disagree with your actions

Without touching on past situations like, this time you haven't apologized to Yorick or explained the situation to your followers beyond "I fucked up," which has led to yakko getting a whole mess of anon hate

And like yeah, you were upset, I get that. If I had been in your situation & under the impressions you were under, I woulda been much the same, especially if it seemed like nobody was considering my feelings on the matter. But it's just not a matter of people looking at you and saying objectively like, "wow let's judge ted's actions," there are other factors at play that are going to affect their priorities in addressing the situation

[30/06/2016 00:15:09] Ted: "ok sorry sorry tou should have told mei fucked up i fucked up i fucked up i’m sorry"

[30/06/2016 00:15:22] Ted: and i didn't know about the anon hate

[30/06/2016 00:15:26] Ted: that's harsh

[30/06/2016 00:17:57] Ted: man, nothing's coming out right anymore. it's just... you've told me before i think that i have to forgive Yaakov for things they do when they're emotional, so it feels unfair. i don't know. i'm probably missing the point. the "other factors in play" are the things i have trouble processing so that's why i get so scared and confused when people are having a go at me

[30/06/2016 00:18:10] Ted: idk idk

[30/06/2016 00:18:22] Ted: i'm sorry

[30/06/2016 00:19:09] Ted: anon hate is horrible and detestable and people shouldn't do it, and i'm sorry i caused this mess. what do you want me to tell my followers?

[30/06/2016 00:20:26] Ted: the main thing i'm having trouble with is why Yaakov pretended to like dr. sloth, and if people i was talking to knew that

[30/06/2016 00:20:56] Ted: there are so many things i wish i could take back

[30/06/2016 00:21:26] Ted: things that were really fucked up in the new context but not in the context i knew at the time

[30/06/2016 00:24:39] Clare 🐻: You don't have to forgive Yorick for anything, you should never feel pressured to forgive someone

I wasn't really aware of yakko's opinions re: sloth so I don't know if anyone else was

I'm assuming yakko pretended to like them so as not to hurt your feelings but tbh we haven't talked about it so I honestly don't know

I know Yorick would want to talk to you if it meant yall could get some resolution, maybe you should ask about it?

[30/06/2016 00:25:14] Ted: i think i'm too traumatised to do that

[30/06/2016 00:27:15] Ted: and the amount of people who have told me to leave Yaakov alone, if it went bad again, they would yell at me and tell me to leave tumblr, or something

[30/06/2016 00:27:45] Ted: i can't risk it going wrong again i just can't

[30/06/2016 00:29:30] Ted: if you weren't aware of Yaakov's opinions about sloth and you knew that we had had a fight and you saw them suddenly change from headcanoning sloth from trans to saying they don't like sloth and therefore sloth is cis... what did you think? what would you think? what would anyone else who was following Yaakov think?

[30/06/2016 00:31:28] Clare 🐻: Well again I can only speak for me but my immediate instinct was "Yorick doesn't like that shade of green" which tbqh doesn't make a lot of sense

[30/06/2016 00:32:27] Clare 🐻: I really don't think yakko would react like that, like. I don't have the answers to all your questions you know? Yorick isn't gonna run you out of town for trying to get closure

[30/06/2016 00:32:54] Ted: i don't mean Yaakov, i mean the people who reblogged after them

[30/06/2016 00:33:02] Ted: and whoever it was sent me those anons

[30/06/2016 00:33:07] Ted: the mean ones

[30/06/2016 00:33:11] Ted: or one

[30/06/2016 00:33:18] Ted: i can't remember if it was one or two

[30/06/2016 00:34:50] Clare 🐻: Oh, oh

[30/06/2016 00:34:52] Clare 🐻: I see

[30/06/2016 00:35:18] Clare 🐻: God I don't know what fucking possesses people to send mean anons

[30/06/2016 00:35:29] Clare 🐻: Like fight people to their face

[30/06/2016 00:35:34] Ted: exactly

[30/06/2016 00:36:06] Ted: (sometimes it's mania, but that's not what you were going for)

[30/06/2016 00:36:53] Ted: what was it you wanted me to say to my followers?

[30/06/2016 00:36:58] Clare 🐻: Sometimes what's mania

[30/06/2016 00:37:25] Ted: what possesses people to send mean anons

[30/06/2016 00:37:39] Clare 🐻: Oh idk

If it were me I'd just be like "just a misunderstanding sorry folks" or smnthn I dunno

[30/06/2016 00:37:54] Clare 🐻: Ahhh

[30/06/2016 00:38:02] Clare 🐻: Yeah true

[30/06/2016 00:39:33] Ted: tbh, i think most of the anons Yaakov gets are probably from the same few people who look for reasons  to hurt them

[30/06/2016 00:39:47] Clare 🐻: I think so too

[30/06/2016 00:40:13] Clare 🐻: I know a few are from that Bradford kid, who doesn't seem to know they're blocked

[30/06/2016 01:26:26] Ted: idk, i still feel like i'm being perceived as a genuinely nasty person. i mean that's probably wrong. it's the only thing i can get from people's reactions, and after this point there's probably nothing i could do that would salvage that. i don't know if they realise i made a mistake, or how obvious it looked at the time. idk. i'm sorry. i should leave you alone. i'm sorry.

---

[30/06/2016 07:46:16] Clare 🐻: shit sorry I didn't see this

I really don't think anyone thinks of you as being nasty, tbh like

it's never been like "either yakko's evil or ted is" you know

sometimes shit just happens but it's how we deal w it that reflects on us

[30/06/2016 10:17:31] Ted: No one ever listens to my explanations though. I know because the next time it comes up they just say the thing they originally said I had done even after I explained and it makes me feel so villainised because then I have to explain myself all over again and it's upsetting and it's triggering and it reminds me that I'll never be accepted by allistic authority figures when they think I've done something wrong

[30/06/2016 10:28:29] Clare 🐻: I dunno I mean. maybe they listen and they just didn't understand, or they thought things would be different the second time around? you don't need to give people explanations unless they ask for them

[30/06/2016 10:29:47] Ted: people not understanding what I mean is a common thing and I don't know what else to do because often i'm literally saying exactly what I mean and they still don't get it

[30/06/2016 10:34:23] Clare 🐻: i don't know either

[30/06/2016 10:35:36] Ted: that's why it really gets to me when people don't think i'm being honest because what else can I do other than find someone to advocate for me? but then that puts pressure on them as well

[30/06/2016 10:37:43] Clare 🐻: do people think you're being dishonest?

[30/06/2016 10:38:34] Ted: they think i'm not telling the whole truth, or that i'm fudging the facts in my favour on the whole, because that's what they expect people to do even when they're being "honest"

[30/06/2016 10:41:43] Ted: and sometimes yeah, they do think i'm being dishonest, or manipulative, or that I haven't bothered to look at anything from a different perspective

[30/06/2016 10:43:47] Clare 🐻: hmm

[30/06/2016 10:43:49] Clare 🐻: i see

[30/06/2016 10:54:12] Ted: like, bean for instance. i don't know what to do about bean. i don't know how she feels about me at all, but i still feel like i was treated unfairly (though i can understand potential reasons) and that means if i talk to her about it she's going to end up feeling attacked. and if i say i'm not meaning to have a go at her or blame her or anything, that's not going to give any reassurance and she's still going to be hurt but i don't know what else to do. if i keep it to myself i'll just keep being hurt by it. but i want to know if i'm wrong because if i'm being distant for no reason that also is not good.

[30/06/2016 10:54:24] Ted: i don't know, everything's a muddle

[30/06/2016 10:56:21] Clare 🐻: you feel like you were treated unfairly by bean, or by other ppl & bean disagreed

[30/06/2016 10:58:39] Ted: she told me not to worry about a certain issue then removed me for supposedly that same issue when there hadn't been an incident since

[30/06/2016 10:58:44] Ted: i don't see how that's fair

[30/06/2016 10:59:33] Ted: she didn't even tell me why she removed me, she removed me as a contact as well, asriel blocked me, so what did the evidence suggest?

[30/06/2016 11:00:20] Clare 🐻: ahhh

[30/06/2016 11:00:27] Clare 🐻: yeah i feel you

[30/06/2016 11:01:08] Clare 🐻: idk maybe she should've talked to you about it but i know there were several people who approached her

[30/06/2016 11:01:21] Clare 🐻: idk about any incident but we're talking about Crazy, right?

[30/06/2016 11:01:26] Ted: yeah

[30/06/2016 11:02:03] Ted: i was told not to mention his name in the chat, and i apologised for mentioning his name in the chat, and then i never said his name in the chat again

[30/06/2016 11:02:23] Ted: and i was told not to worry about it

[30/06/2016 11:02:57] Ted: i feel like i was cut out of the discussion

[30/06/2016 11:03:59 | Edited 11:02:42] Ted: and if it's because of things i said on my blog, i was triggered and fragile and trying to reassure myself that everything would be okay and that i wasn't a horrible person for having a character response to ableism and stigma

[30/06/2016 11:06:01] Ted: do you understand?

[30/06/2016 11:06:23] Clare 🐻: i do

[30/06/2016 11:07:02] Clare 🐻: i don't really know what to tell you, though

i wasn't involved in that stuff while it was going on & i haven't talked to the other people involved about it

[30/06/2016 11:07:18] Clare 🐻: but i get what you're saying

[30/06/2016 11:07:45] Clare 🐻: & why you feel it was unfair

[30/06/2016 11:08:11] Ted: and i still don't know whether approaching bean about it would be the right thing to do

[30/06/2016 11:09:03] Ted: because i don't think she understands how it made me feel, and if i try to explain then she'll feel like i'm trying to guilt trip her

[30/06/2016 11:10:18] Ted: or that i'm trying to make her feel bad about it

[30/06/2016 11:10:36] Ted: or that i think it was all her fault

[30/06/2016 11:11:32] Ted: when i know that she was under pressure, and that she wasn't part of anyone conspiring against me

[30/06/2016 11:13:12] Clare 🐻: as far as i know she understands, i know she felt bad about it but she was trying to do what was best for the chat?

[30/06/2016 11:14:22] Ted: i had no indication of her understanding. she just kept telling me it was my fault.

[30/06/2016 11:15:06] Clare 🐻: she said that?

[30/06/2016 11:15:48] Ted: i'll look. it's what i felt like she was saying but i probably misinterpreted

[30/06/2016 11:17:14] Clare 🐻: okay well in the mean time I've gotta hit the sack so i guess let me know

[30/06/2016 11:17:41] Ted: "The situation has been resolved, and bringing it up will only make it start back up again. Even if you haven't made peace with this, others have, and you'll have to find peace your own way that doesn't involve dredging up drama that's been resolved."

[30/06/2016 11:22:30] Ted: ok that was the last message but this is the first message "Hi there, you were removed from the group because several people were made to feel unsafe, including Yaakov/Yorick. Although it may not affect you, others were feeling extremely uncomfortable about the slurs you were using. It's been months now, so I'm not entirely sure why you're bringing this up." when i'd said in my first message that i tried to wait until i was less paranoid but i was having intrusive and sticky thoughts and that's why i was contacting her about it

[30/06/2016 11:25:10] Ted: ok i hope you sleep well

[30/06/2016 13:04:59] Ted: "Yakko also asked you to stop talking about them to other people." there was that as well

[30/06/2016 13:08:14] Ted: I can see how it would have looked like I was trying to turn their friends against them but really the only reason I chose to talk to people who were friendly with Yaakov and not people who weren't was because I didn't want someone who would automatically take my side.

[30/06/2016 13:09:50] Ted: i know that's stupid and selfish of me, and i see that now, but nobody believes me that i really was just trying desperately not to cause more trouble for them, because i know that Yaakov gets a lot of hate

[02/07/2016 23:53:31 | Edited 23:51:57] Ted: (oh btw i was thinking about the whole evidence thing and I now understand exactly why yaakov reacted the way they did back when gabby was reblogging from terfs, so... thanks for letting me have this conversation I guess. It's opened my eyes)

[03/07/2016 02:03:27] Clare 🐻: it's not stupid or selfish to look for other opinions, it's not automatically a bad thing

the situation w yorick was more about respecting yakko's feelings than any wrongdoing, you know?

[03/07/2016 02:04:43] Ted: No it was stupid and selfish bc I didn't stop to think that maybe the people I was trying to talk to had been traumatised by the situation as well

[03/07/2016 02:05:10] Ted: And wouldn't take kindly to me opening old wounds

[03/07/2016 02:07:01] Ted: I just don't understand what I was supposed to do. I tried to do the right thing, but it ended up being wrong and people thought I was doing it on purpose because it's obvious to them but never to me

[03/07/2016 02:10:02] Ted: And I knew that yaakov was prone to exaggeration, especially when they're upset, so it was pretty much impossible for me to tell if their saying that they never wanted their name to pass my lips again was a reasonable request or not

[03/07/2016 02:13:23] Ted: (do you want the whole conversation with bean? Bc that would make it clear why I thought she was telling me that yaakov lied to her in order to have me removed from the group)

[03/07/2016 02:15:49] Clare 🐻: yeah actually if you think it'd help that'd be cool o:

[03/07/2016 02:21:58] Ted: do you have openoffice? if not I can save it as a word document

[03/07/2016 02:22:49] Clare 🐻: I don't unfortunately

[03/07/2016 02:23:01] Ted: ok

[03/07/2016 02:23:16] Ted: (just trying to make sure it won't carry my name on it)

[03/07/2016 02:27:18] Ted: (some of it wasn't chronologically accurate, and i'm sorry for that)

[03/07/2016 02:40:53] Ted: (i'm also sorry for the stuff I said about you)

[03/07/2016 02:44:09] Ted: (I should have read through it properly again before I sent it so I could warn you)

[03/07/2016 02:44:50] Clare 🐻: heh it's cool

[03/07/2016 02:46:01] Clare 🐻: so to be clear: you thought yorick told bean that the slur usage was uncool in order to have you removed, vs the other stuff that was going down

[03/07/2016 02:46:03] Clare 🐻: ?

[03/07/2016 02:46:12] Ted: yes

[03/07/2016 02:47:07] Clare 🐻: what do you think now

[03/07/2016 02:47:59] Ted: i asked Yaakov at the time when they contacted me over skype and they said all they said was that they felt uncomfortable and bean's interpretation was bean's interpretation

[03/07/2016 02:48:12] Ted: which i took to be true

[03/07/2016 02:50:16] Clare 🐻: yeah that makes sense

[03/07/2016 02:50:39] Clare 🐻: I honestly don't remember who knew what when at this point

[03/07/2016 02:52:18] Ted: and that gave me the impression that bean just doesn't want to associate with me bc i'm a bad person who uses slurs

[03/07/2016 02:54:39] Clare 🐻: bean's interpretation did?

[03/07/2016 02:56:28] Ted: the fact that she didn't tell me why she was removing me from the group, the fact that she removed me as a contact, and the fact that she didn't interact with me whatsoever after that conversation

[03/07/2016 02:58:00] Clare 🐻: ahh

[03/07/2016 03:03:13] Ted: like i know that's probably not the real truth but i have no way of verifying it myself without risking another incident

[03/07/2016 03:06:04] Clare 🐻: yeah I don't think that's the whole truth but I don't really have any way to verify it :/

[03/07/2016 03:08:42] Ted: at this point it's probably too late for me to seek closure on the group chat thing anyway

[03/07/2016 03:09:34] Ted: I've likely just reinforced the views of anyone who thought i was toxic and didn't belong

[03/07/2016 03:11:59] Clare 🐻: i never heard anybody express either of those sentiments

[03/07/2016 03:12:58] Ted: the fact that no one who was uncomfortable with me saying crazy actually came to me kind of suggests that's the case

[03/07/2016 03:15:11] Ted: "Dude why are you getting your underwear in a wad over someone not liking a character you like. This isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this and you need to chill out; at this rate I wouldn’t blame them for not liking you." i asked what he was referring to and didn't get a response

[03/07/2016 03:16:41] Ted: i'd have to unblock the others to see their responses again but, like, they were all pretty much the same

[03/07/2016 03:16:52] Clare 🐻: who was this?

[03/07/2016 03:16:57] Ted: that was asriel

[03/07/2016 03:21:31] Ted: he didn't give enough context for me to know what he was talking about

[03/07/2016 03:23:47] Ted: there's several possibilities but the only one that fits exactly is the skeith hate one, which doesn't make sense because it was about fatphobia and classism?

[03/07/2016 03:25:06] Ted: and i got stuck on r/tumblrinaction for it???

[03/07/2016 03:26:59] Ted: if it was about the mettaton headcanon discrepancy i wasn't angry at all i was just confused and kind of scared because he sounded very upset and i didn't understand

[03/07/2016 03:34:40] Ted: and i was made to feel like the worst kind of transphobe for misunderstanding an ambiguous quote in the game

[03/07/2016 04:09:02] Ted: idk i shouldn't have said that i'm sorry

[03/07/2016 04:10:36] Clare 🐻: when did this happen

[03/07/2016 04:10:54] Ted: in the neogames chat, shortly before i was removed

[03/07/2016 13:33:50] Ted: I was actually in the process of drawing azzy as part of a neogames picture when I got removed and blocked. But there was no point finishing it after that so I abandoned it

[03/07/2016 13:36:06] Ted: I don't know what relevance it has to the conversation other than it being another reminder of what a fuckup I am

[04/07/2016 12:21:06] Ted: ok I think i'm going to try apologising to Yaakov over skype

[04/07/2016 12:22:07] Ted: it's really not fair what they put themself through because of me and I want them to know that

[04/07/2016 12:23:39] Ted: it'll take me a while to type something up, and i'm still very anxious, but it's the only right course of action I can see

[05/07/2016 01:25:21] Clare 🐻: well hey if there's anything I can do to help just let me know ! I know yakko was willing to talk stuff out so this could be good for you guys

[05/07/2016 01:27:35] Ted: Thanks. I sent them a thing earlier. The convo isn't showing up on my mobile though, so I don't know if that'll change if they try to send something back.

[05/07/2016 01:38:04] Clare 🐻: are you guys contacts? idt yorick can get messages from ppl they aren't contacts w so you might have to add each other & resend it

[05/07/2016 01:40:13] Ted: Ah, right. Thanks for the tip! I'll do that tomorrow once I'm free

[05/07/2016 01:41:11] Clare 🐻: finger pistols

good luck!! it's really cool that you're doing this (:

---

[04/07/2016 13:26:26] Ted: I read over the first fight we had on here, and wow, I was really a dick. I can't believe I was so up myself. wow, I mean really. that's just... I totally don't blame you or clare for being uncomfortable with me after that because that was seriously out of line. but yeah, anyway, the reason I was reading that anyway is because I wanted to get things straight before I apologised. because I now know exactly why you were behaving the way you did with the gabby situation, why you assumed that they hated you, why you didn't want to confront them about it, because how were you to know what was going on in their head at the time? you had no way of knowing they were following the terfs as a form of self-harm. you had know way of knowing the only reason they were doing that was because of abuse. and I acted so self-righteous about it. man.

you also couldn't have known that it was bean that mentioned you first in the conversation we had about the neogames group. I wasn't talking about you on purpose, I only wanted to know why i'd been removed. when she mentioned you, I did ask for more details, and she implied she knew everything. it was only then that I mentioned the "list" i'd sent to clare (I don't really have any excuse for that other than trying to protect gabby from what had been my fault in the first place), and bean had no idea what I was talking about. I tried to backtrack and told her I shouldn't have said anything, but it was too late and she asked clare for context. from your perspective it must have seemed like I was trying to turn everyone against you. first it had been clare, and when clare proved fruitless I moved onto bean. I understand how it looked, and I don't blame you for reacting the way you did. from what bean had told me, and from circumstances that surrounded the "list" incident, I took that as confirmation you had been turning people against me. I'm not saying this to excuse myself, but you deserve an explanation. i'm really sorry I had a go at you for that. it wasn't your fault.

and just, I've been looking back at so many things in the new context and i'm thinking what the fuck did I put you through? there are so many things I wish I could take back. I know what it feels like to be pressured into sexual discussions you're uncomfortable with and i'm so sorry I did that to you. you've always shown me such great consideration and compassion and what have I given you in return? i'm sorry I didn't realise earlier how the age difference could be factoring in another sort of pressure. I feel that same pressure to please younger people rather than older people for some reason. I don't know why.

I look back on it all, how I thought this whole time that the problem was that you and your friends didn't understand, and I see that the problem was that I didn't understand. I can see why you might have felt you needed to lie to me about dr. sloth. you didn't need to spare my feelings on that one, but I don't blame you for thinking you needed to. in truth, the character is very important to me. I won't go into why right now because that's not what this is about. but basically, i'm okay with people having a difference of opinion. it's okay to not like something I like, even if it's something I really love. I get upset over character bashing but that's different. i'm used to people not sharing my special interests. the reason I got upset with the headcanon post was the context I interpreted it as still being in. I didn't stop to think about other possibilities as to why you would be feeling that way, and for that I am sorry. I shouldn't have accused you of trying to hurt me. from what i'm aware you've never tried to hurt me, and in fact you've gone to great lengths in the past to avoid hurting me. i'm sorry that you put yourself through that. and i'm sorry that I ever made you feel like you had to pretend.

and above all, i'm sorry for being scared of you. i'm sorry I felt like I couldn't express myself for fear of judgement. and i'm sorry that I didn't understand your side. I understand now, and I understand that I was in the wrong. tbh i'm still scared, but I feel like talking it out honestly with each other is the only way either of us is going to find closure.

[06/07/2016 18:37:35] *** Ted would like to add you on Skype ***

[06/07/2016 18:49:37] *** Loops [[removed]] has shared contact details with Ted. ***

[06/07/2016 18:51:41] 🔫: yo

[06/07/2016 18:52:04] 🔫: your message from monday sent just now so you don't have to resend it

[06/07/2016 18:52:15] Ted: cool, thanks for letting me know

[06/07/2016 18:56:15] 🔫: anyway thank you for talking to me and i forgive you

im sorry how mean i was in that last fight we had, (not the sloth thing, the one before it) i never would have told anyone but i felt bad about screaming at you afterwards

and i'm sorry about the sloth thing too, i really didn't intend for you to see it or for anyone to reblog that from me, it was meant as a reply to the op and not a dig at you, i winced as soon as i saw that you @ me because i knew what it was about

so can we be cool again

we don't have to be buddies but i don't want us to keep blacklisting each other because that's clearly not working out so great huh

[06/07/2016 18:58:37] Ted: ball of anxiety right now so I can't really talk but I wanna send you hugs, is that ok?

[06/07/2016 18:59:36] 🔫: yeah

[06/07/2016 18:59:42] 🔫: you can answer whenever

[06/07/2016 18:59:51] Ted: [hugs]

[06/07/2016 19:00:18] 🔫: (my reply was kind of short too because i didn't know what to do bcs clare's offline)

[10/07/2016 11:15:59] Ted: Don't feel like you have to forgive me in order to stop the drama. There's no ambiguity anymore about why you were acting the way you did, and I know you feel as bad about it as I do. Likewise, take your own time in responding. I want to make sure that we both understand each other and can go forward feeling like we don't have to hide, so please if you have any questions do ask. I'm more than willing to answer (tho it just might take a bit bc of irl stresses and stuff)

---

[16/07/2016 17:02:09] Ted: Could you maybe ask bean if it's ok if I talk to her about why I was removed from the neogames chat again?

[16/07/2016 17:02:35] Ted: (also I keep meaning to say sorry for not wishing you a happy birthday)

[16/07/2016 17:03:23] Ted: (I was still unsure at the time and I didn't want to make you feel awkward)

[17/07/2016 01:38:37] Clare 🐻: She says "yeah totally!"

And thanks! I get that heheh. Birthdays aren't really a big deal to me tbh

---

[17/07/2016 19:31:48] *** Ted would like to add you on Skype ***

[17/07/2016 19:35:59] *** add me on discorp bean#8272 has shared contact details with Ted. ***

[17/07/2016 22:34:35] Ted: hi, i'm gonna have to postpone until tomorrow. really not in a good place mentally right now

[17/07/2016 22:45:36] Ted: (rl stuff)

[18/07/2016 23:19:43] Ted: are you online? (sorry, skype's acting a bit weirdly)

[19/07/2016 22:19:14] gravy fucking sucks and you cant tell me otherwise: sorry for the late reply ;v; I was out all day yesterday, but i'm free now!!

---

[30/07/2016 11:48:24] Ted: Man, sorry for going all quiet on you. My family's been going through a really rough time so they've had to take priority and I haven't been getting to the things I was already in the middle of and it's all been really stressful

[30/07/2016 11:50:42] Ted: Anyway, it'll probably be really difficult to find a time when we're both online, so I wanted to know if you're okay with receiving messages while you're offline?

[30/07/2016 18:51:33] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: i'm okay w/ that!!

[31/07/2016 09:22:26] Ted: So... I guess I'm basically wondering again why everything happened the way it did with the neogames chat, and... I guess I felt hard done by when you told me not to worry and then removed me for the same reason without telling me anything had changed

[31/07/2016 09:29:19] Ted: I did view you as a friend, but I have no idea if you feel the same way so I guess I'm asking that as well. I know I'm liable to making that mistake because I've made it in the past more than once. It's ok if you don't see me as a friend. I know you don't hate me and I know you were under a lot of pressure when the games were going on.

[31/07/2016 09:31:49] Ted: Sorry for being so much trouble

[03/08/2016 17:56:22] Ted: Man, I'm sorry. All I really meant to ask you was why I was removed from the group, since the first conversation kind of got derailed when we started talking about yaakov and when Clare got involved and stuff. I know you weren't really trying to hurt me. I've never thought that.

[03/08/2016 19:51:17] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: aaa, i am so sorry, my message never sent. basically the only reason why you were removed from the group was because Barbie and Yakko were uncomfortable with you being in the group

[03/08/2016 19:53:48] Ted: Barbie? That's very surprising, but ok. Why didn't you tell me?

[03/08/2016 19:55:13] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: At the time, I was very blinded by the situation. Everyone was talking to me at once, you and yakko and Barbie and the neogames chat. Everything was firing off at once. At the same time I wanted to protect the identities of barb and yakko because I didn't want to ruin your relationships with them

[03/08/2016 19:55:41] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: In hindsight, I should've been flat out with you, and I apologize for being so vague and causing you so much stress

[03/08/2016 19:57:31] Ted: I wish people had just talked to me in the first place

[03/08/2016 19:58:43] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I think they didn't talk to you because they were afraid of hurting your feelings further. They both figured that silence was better than confrontation at the time

[03/08/2016 20:00:45] Ted: I felt like everyone had rejected me

[03/08/2016 20:03:04] Ted: Sorry, I know that's not your fault. I'm still all messed up and stuff irl isn't helping

[03/08/2016 20:03:53] Ted: I'm just still very confused

[03/08/2016 20:03:56] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Yeah, you deserved to hear what actually caused me kicking you out, so don't worry too hard abt contacting me out of the blue

[03/08/2016 20:06:34] Ted: It's just... Kicking me out was supposed to hurt my feelings less than talking things through and telling me what was wrong?

[03/08/2016 20:08:29] Ted: I really don't understand why that was the solution you all came to

[03/08/2016 20:09:56] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: It wasn't my call ultimately. They all wanted to kick you out, but I was trepidatious, but because I was the only admin I was the only one who could kick. I was going through some tough times during this whole thing, so after being warn down I just. Did it

[03/08/2016 20:13:11] Ted: Like, I know why Yaakov wanted me removed

[03/08/2016 20:13:43] Ted: I really don't understand. I apologised.

[03/08/2016 20:14:49] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Sometimes people are just. Deeply affected by what others do, and no matter the amount of apologies it won't really bring things back to where it once was

[03/08/2016 20:15:14] Ted: Then they should have talked to me

[03/08/2016 20:15:35] Ted: I understand trauma. I've been there so many times

[03/08/2016 20:15:39] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Talking to you brought back a lot of bad memories/feelings

[03/08/2016 20:15:50] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: After the incident at hand, that is

[03/08/2016 20:16:22] Ted: Did anyone even think about how it would feel for me?

[03/08/2016 20:17:00] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: That's why Clare and I stepped in as a middleman so to speak, so that way you could feel closure and they could relax

[03/08/2016 20:17:23 | Edited 20:16:59] Ted: When are you meaning?

[03/08/2016 20:18:12] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Like. Right afterwords, Clare started talking to you, and because of irl stuff I wasn't able to help her out consistently until just recently

[03/08/2016 20:18:28] Ted: After what?

[03/08/2016 20:18:45] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: After you got kicked/tried to reach out to yakko

[03/08/2016 20:19:16] Ted: She didn't keep talking to me

[03/08/2016 20:19:29] Ted: She didn't even talk about the group stuff

[03/08/2016 20:20:44] Ted: She just told me "you need to leave yakko alone"

[03/08/2016 20:21:16] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I think in hindsight we were both too emotionally invested to do the job we set out to do

[03/08/2016 20:22:02] Ted: I thought you didn't want to hear from me bc you'd removed me as a contact

[03/08/2016 20:23:22] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I removed you as a contact because I was emotionally fired up after some irl junk and it wasn't right on my behalf

[03/08/2016 20:26:36] Ted: I still have no idea who hates me and who doesn't, and who never wants to hear from me again

[03/08/2016 20:26:55] Ted: I have no idea who I can trust, who I can even talk to

[03/08/2016 20:27:24] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Yakko will not want to hear from you again, possibly same with Clare and Barb

[03/08/2016 20:28:14 | Edited 20:28:26] Ted: Wait, yaakov and I went through some stuff lately, is this after that? And don't worry, I think Clare and I are cool again

[03/08/2016 20:29:23] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I don't know abt anything you and yakko went through lately, I'm just speaking from after I removed you

[03/08/2016 20:29:35] Ted: Ah, ok

[03/08/2016 20:30:13] Ted: Well, yaakov and I basically apologised to each other after that last public misunderstanding

[03/08/2016 20:46:11] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Alright well, even so, just let them mellow out for a while

[03/08/2016 20:53:05] Ted: Have they said something? I don't really know what's going on right now

[03/08/2016 20:55:47] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: I asked them what was up and they said that they were still healing, give them some time

[03/08/2016 20:56:30] Ted: As in right now?

[03/08/2016 20:56:45] kong, from the series "King Of Apes", available only on Netflix™: Yes

[03/08/2016 20:57:04] Ted: Ok, cool. That's good to know

[03/08/2016 21:10:49] Ted: I get the impression asriel hates me, though I'm not quite sure why

[03/08/2016 21:17:32] Ted: (Also, I don't think it's fair that the group manipulated you like that)

[03/08/2016 21:21:50] Ted: (something smells really fishy about them trying to spare my feelings by pressuring you to remove me)

[04/08/2016 01:37:22] Ted: Hang on, I think barbie and I interacted in a friendly way even after the group chat stuff. Are you still in contact with him? Could you maybe ask if I can talk to him about this? I really don't want to cause anymore upset but I feel like talking it out is the only way I'll be able to put these feelings to rest

[04/08/2016 13:09:31] Ted: And like, I know it might seem like I'm upset, but I really am so grateful to know you don't hate me for everything that went down. It's taken a lot of worry off my mind to know that we're okay

[04/08/2016 13:15:49] Ted: With everything else that's going on right now, I needed that

[06/08/2016 14:04:04] Ted: Bean?

[11/08/2016 19:07:39] Ted: Are you ok?

[14/08/2016 18:14:43] Ted: Please respond

[17/08/2016 10:10:44] Ted: Bean please

---

[18/07/2016 23:09:40] Ted: hi

[18/07/2016 23:11:56] Ted: (ah, sorry, thought you were online)

do you know if Yaakov would still be up for talking things through with gabby?

[18/07/2016 23:46:57] Clare 🐻: I am sorry! Just now getting up lol

& yeah yakko would def still be down, do you know gabby's Skype name?

[18/07/2016 23:47:32] Ted: yeah, but they're not really keen on using skype

[18/07/2016 23:49:49] Ted: they're still very much on edge about the whole thing and would prefer a simpler platform

[18/07/2016 23:51:33] Clare 🐻: Oh okay! That's fair, what platform would work best?

[18/07/2016 23:55:25] Ted: i'm just discussing that with them right now

[19/07/2016 00:01:07] Clare 🐻: righteous, keep me posted c:

[19/07/2016 00:07:44] Ted: ok is Yaakov online right now?

[19/07/2016 00:09:01] Clare 🐻: yep!

[19/07/2016 00:10:07] Ted: cool, would you be up for a group chat type thing? basically so you and me can know what's happening and support yakko/gabby respectively

[19/07/2016 00:12:48] Ted: (if so, there's a link here: https://chatstep.com/#not_tinychat and the password is "bruh")

[19/07/2016 00:13:14] Clare 🐻: yeah i'm down, should I let yakko know?

[19/07/2016 00:13:21] Ted: yes, definitely

[19/07/2016 00:14:27] Ted: (ok seems you have to go in through the homepage since it's passworded)

[19/07/2016 00:19:12] Clare 🐻: yorick isn't really up for a group chat right off the bat, it'd be okay after but yakko doesn't want spectators

[19/07/2016 00:19:25] Ted: ok, i'll let gabby know

[19/07/2016 00:21:00] Ted: ah, Gabby's not really comfortable one-on-one

[19/07/2016 00:22:04] Ted: (I think Gabby's scared in case one or the other starts yelling and it breaks down)

[19/07/2016 00:24:26] Clare 🐻: hhm yeah that makes sense

[19/07/2016 00:24:28] Clare 🐻: well shit

[19/07/2016 00:24:29] Clare 🐻: now what

[19/07/2016 00:24:33] Ted: idk

[19/07/2016 00:32:59] Ted: gabby really doesn't feel safe talking to Yaakov one on one in case they (gabby), uh, I don't really want to repeat the wording but suffice to say they feel they can't trust themself to keep it civil if you and me aren't there

[19/07/2016 00:35:41] Clare 🐻: would it be easier if we like, passed along messages or something? yorick feels really strongly about not being spectated

[19/07/2016 00:37:18] Ted: so would that be like Yaakov says something to you, I relay it to gabby, gabby responds, I pass the response to you and you give it to Yaakov?

[19/07/2016 00:37:44] Clare 🐻: yeah I guess

[19/07/2016 00:37:53] Clare 🐻: i'd have to run it by yakko first though hang on

[19/07/2016 00:38:35] Ted: gabby says that would be ok

[19/07/2016 00:40:55] Clare 🐻: yakko's okay with it too

[19/07/2016 00:41:10] Clare 🐻: finger pistols

we're in business

[19/07/2016 00:41:13] Ted: cool!

[19/07/2016 00:48:04] Ted: alright, so ted keeps telling me to talk things out with you

[19/07/2016 00:57:25] Clare 🐻: im not ok with my words being passed through 4 different people and i don't see the point when i don't feel like i have anything to say to gabby and gabby doesn't want to because she's been told that she has to talk to me

[19/07/2016 00:57:40] Clare 🐻: okay we might not be in business

[19/07/2016 00:57:50] Ted: aw ok :(

[19/07/2016 00:58:48] Ted: if you wanna pass on that I wasn't telling gabby that they had to, just that it would probably help them if they did

[19/07/2016 00:59:53] Ted: this isn't going to be easy to deal with

[19/07/2016 01:00:02] Ted: oh man

[19/07/2016 01:01:00] Clare 🐻: yeah I don't know where to go from here

[19/07/2016 01:01:22] Ted: it took ages for them to work up even enough courage for this

[19/07/2016 01:01:38] Ted: if it goes wrong now... idk... this is really bad...

[19/07/2016 01:01:56] Clare 🐻: well it doesn't seem to be going wrong so much as not going anywhere

[19/07/2016 01:02:26] Clare 🐻: so gabby doesn't want to talk to yorick because they're worried they'll get mad? or upset?

[19/07/2016 01:02:36] Ted: yeah

[19/07/2016 01:03:08] Clare 🐻: hm

[19/07/2016 01:03:19] Ted: i run the risk of being a massive asshole and it becoming a huge fight

[19/07/2016 01:03:28] Ted: were their words

[19/07/2016 01:05:56] Ted: i haven't passed on yet that Yaakov doesn't want to talk

[19/07/2016 01:06:54] Clare 🐻: it's not that yakko doesn't want to talk, still definitely down to talk

[19/07/2016 01:07:15] Clare 🐻: I think it would just be preferable if things were a little more private

[19/07/2016 01:07:26] Ted: but they said they didn't have anything to say to gabby?

[19/07/2016 01:08:24] Clare 🐻: yeah yorick doesn't have anything to say but if gabby does then yorick's open to hearing it

[19/07/2016 01:08:29] Clare 🐻: answering questions, talking it out

[19/07/2016 01:08:32] Clare 🐻: that kinda stuff

[19/07/2016 01:08:49] Ted: ah, ok, i'll relay that then?

[19/07/2016 01:09:12] Ted: would Yaakov be ok if it was like an actual question or something?

[19/07/2016 01:09:42] Clare 🐻: how do you mean? o:

[19/07/2016 01:10:09 | Edited 01:10:09] Ted: like, if gabby gave a question to me to pass to you to forward to yaakov

[19/07/2016 01:13:44] Clare 🐻: i dunno i think it would depend on the question

[19/07/2016 01:13:51] Clare 🐻: do they have one in mind?

[19/07/2016 01:13:58] Ted: i don't think so

[19/07/2016 01:14:24] Ted: like, they're kind of in the same boat, where they need something to go off of

[19/07/2016 01:15:15] Clare 🐻: i feel you

[19/07/2016 01:15:43] Clare 🐻: i dunno i think it would be okay but i don't wanna like, assume

[19/07/2016 01:20:18] Ted: Gabby's not gonna budge any further, unfortunately

[19/07/2016 01:20:56] Clare 🐻: yeah neither is yorick \:

[19/07/2016 01:21:39] Clare 🐻: if gabby has a question or anything to say i can pass it along but idt yorickk's gonna wanna respond so publicly

[19/07/2016 01:22:04] Ted: oh dear, i really thought this was gonna work

[19/07/2016 01:22:23] Clare 🐻: me too

[19/07/2016 01:22:25] Clare 🐻: this sucks

[19/07/2016 01:22:32] Ted: since Yaakov trusts you, gabby trusts me, we trust each other

[19/07/2016 01:22:44] Ted: yeah, i have a really bad feeling about this

[19/07/2016 01:24:46] Ted: can you give me confirmation that Yaakov genuinely really does want to talk things through with gabby, just privately is all?

[19/07/2016 01:24:56] Ted: (and like, not just a grudging ok)

[19/07/2016 01:26:21] Clare 🐻: yeah when i told yakko there wasn't any like, hesitation or grumbling

[19/07/2016 01:26:30] Clare 🐻: just "sure what's her skype name"

[19/07/2016 01:27:09] Ted: and it isn't just a case of honouring a request?

[19/07/2016 01:30:08] Clare 🐻: what do you mean

[19/07/2016 01:31:37] Ted: like, is it "sure" as in "i was hoping we would get a chance" or "sure" as in "i have nothing against it"?

[19/07/2016 01:32:13] Ted: (Gabby's asking if it being just me would help but i can't see that it would)

[19/07/2016 01:32:54] Clare 🐻: probably the latter, but all things considered that's about the best we could hope for i think

[19/07/2016 01:33:15] Clare 🐻: just you like yorick talking to you?

[19/07/2016 01:34:04] Ted: i think it means just me as the only "spectator" or the sole mediator or whatever terminology you want to use

[19/07/2016 01:35:03] Ted: might be best just to drop the whole thing if it was a case of the latter

[19/07/2016 01:35:23] Ted: unless Yaakov really knows what they're getting into

[19/07/2016 01:37:06] Clare 🐻: yeah idt yorick would go for that

[19/07/2016 01:37:25] Clare 🐻: i know yakko is open to talking but if gabby doesn't have anything they want to say then

[19/07/2016 01:37:29] Clare 🐻: sshrug emoji

[19/07/2016 01:38:46] Ted: then the whole thing is off. i am absolutely not going to talk to them one-on-onewell that's that then :(

[19/07/2016 01:39:09] Clare 🐻: oof. alright

[19/07/2016 01:39:23] Ted:  they can tell you when they're ready to talk to me, with a mediator

[19/07/2016 01:40:06] Ted: so, yeah, that's their position on it. :\

[19/07/2016 01:40:10] Ted: sorry about all this

[19/07/2016 01:40:59] Ted: ("you" as in me)

[19/07/2016 01:41:22] Clare 🐻: yeah i got that

[19/07/2016 01:41:33] Clare 🐻: i'm sorry too, i was really hoping this would work out

[19/07/2016 01:42:10] Clare 🐻: yorick isn't going to approach gabby without anything to say, so idt this is ever going to go down

[19/07/2016 01:42:19] Ted: yeah :(

[19/07/2016 01:43:05] Ted: the trauma's still fresh in Gabby's mind and has been since the whole incident went down, thanks to the whole sticky thoughts thing

[19/07/2016 01:45:30] Clare 🐻: is that why you wanted them to talk to yakko? resolution or reconciliation or w/e?

[19/07/2016 01:45:37] Ted: yeah

[19/07/2016 01:46:51] Clare 🐻: damn

[19/07/2016 01:46:53] Clare 🐻: this sucks

[19/07/2016 01:47:09] Ted: it does

[19/07/2016 01:47:56] Ted: i'll keep trying to do the best i can, but there's only so much i can really reassure them about

[19/07/2016 01:49:01] Clare 🐻: yeah i feel you

[19/07/2016 01:49:12] Clare 🐻: make sure they know i'm always down to talk

[19/07/2016 01:49:23] Ted: ok, i'll pass that on

[19/07/2016 01:49:31] Ted: thanks

---

[21/07/2016 10:37:52] Ted: *Please don't feel

[21/07/2016 10:38:41] Ted: That was the word I was missing. I knew I was missing a word

[21/07/2016 18:23:59] 🔫: im getting kinda uncomfortable with this situation because i keep getting pressured to respond every few days because it keeps getting re-brought up when im trying to relax irl because of medical stuff and i don't really want to say anything right now

[21/07/2016 18:46:36] Ted: That's fine. I did say take your time. I didn't mean anything by this, it was just a puzzle that had been bothering me for a while.

[21/07/2016 19:42:59] Ted: Tbh my rl's a nightmare rn and I haven't even been on tumblr the past few days.

---

[30/08/2016 12:12:46] Ted: Did you stop talking to me because of something I said or is it because of something completely unrelated that you don't want to talk about? Please, I need to know if I said something that upset you.

[03/09/2016 02:53:30] the rumor come out: does bean is gay?: sorry, it wasn't because of anything you said. I've just been trying to hyper focus in on college, so I've pretty much muted everyone on here except for a few irl friends

[03/09/2016 02:53:43] the rumor come out: does bean is gay?: ive been bad at checking in when I get notifications, so that probably didn't help either

[03/09/2016 12:32:43] Ted: That makes sense. Thank you for getting back to me

---

[20/08/2016 19:02:01] 🍳 yolkie: yo

[20/08/2016 19:02:27] 🍳 yolkie: this is probably weird to message you right now

[20/08/2016 19:03:03] 🍳 yolkie: but something really wild is going on irl and it's making all my internet fights seem so. petty

[20/08/2016 19:03:18] 🍳 yolkie: so anyway i'm sorry and you're a cool person

[20/08/2016 19:04:05] 🍳 yolkie: i got kicked out of my home last night and in the morning i'm most likely going to fly 2500 miles across the country to live with clare's mom

[20/08/2016 19:05:09] 🍳 yolkie: and if i get abducted or something on the way and die i don't want any grudges or reasons for my soul to haunt anyone's neopets or whatever

[20/08/2016 19:26:32] Ted: Thank you for messaging me. I hope everything goes well for you on your journey and I hope you get there safely.

[20/08/2016 19:31:08] Ted: Things have only been getting worse and worse in my rl, so I know the feeling of wanting to get things wrapped up in case something happens.

[20/08/2016 19:31:26] Ted: I'm sorry you got kicked out.

[20/08/2016 22:03:02] Ted: Good luck

---

---

[07/12/2016 01:27:56] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: hey

can you please not namedrop me on your blog

im going through a lot right now; therapy, new medication, endometriosis & infertility, clare dumping me, recent homelessness, and abuse from my family and the reason i left tumblr is because my family was stalking me. please i really don't need this and im asking you, as a favor, please don't talk about me

[07/12/2016 01:33:12] Ted: i've also been going through a lot right now, but hey, I censored the post so your family won't be able to stalk you through me (although I don't know how they would be able to but fair enough you know better about that than I do)

[07/12/2016 01:34:31] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: thanks

[07/12/2016 01:35:30] Ted: i'm just sick of people treating me like a cinnamon roll when they don't know what i did

[07/12/2016 01:36:20] Ted: and other people not wanting to touch me bc of my "secret"

[07/12/2016 01:38:11] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: i have way bigger problems now so dont even worry about it. its in the past and i have to focus on the things that are actively killing me right now and i don't like this kind of thing being dug up again when i'm in a different chapter of my life now

[07/12/2016 01:39:40] Ted: I can't move on from it when my friends are constantly reblogging from someone who asked me not to interact with them over what happened with you and who hasn't blocked me for some reason, and bc Gabby's still suffering and it's still my fault

[07/12/2016 01:49:24] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: this is going to sound harsh but i promise i mean it in the best possible way.. feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to help gabby. idk the full extent of gabby's problems but it sounds like they're a lot bigger than you and me and are something she needs outside help with, but that's entirely up to her.

be there for her, be a rock for her to lean on instead of making her feel worse about how she is by saying it's all your fault. it's so fucking difficult to be strong for other people when your own life is in shambles, but relationships with other people are always difficult, that's just how it is and it sucks but it's not going to change. focus on helping gabby by building yourself up for her instead of tearing yourself down when she needs you to lean on

[07/12/2016 01:50:57] Ted: ok

[07/12/2016 01:51:49] Ted: btw, Gabby's a "they"

[07/12/2016 01:52:02] Ted: thanks though. I needed that.

[07/12/2016 01:54:46] ᴸᵒᵒᵖˢ: no prob. hope it works out

[07/12/2016 01:54:53] Ted: thank you

---

12/17/2016

oocneoblog: hi, i realise we haven't talked since the thing, and i'm sorry about that. anyway, i think gabby would really appreciate hearing from you. they've been feeling really down about themselves lately and i think unresolved feelings over people they used to talk to are part of it.

12/17/2016

clarenecessities: oh dang okay, what's the best way to get a hold of 'em?

12/17/2016

oocneoblog: probably skype. they don't have im open to people they're not following

thank you so much

12/18/2016

clarenecessities: yeah no worries dude, anything i can do i'm down for

i think they may have removed me on skype though, is there some other way to hit them up

oocneoblog: gabby says you're still a contact

clarenecessities: whhat's their skype name

oocneoblog: [removed]

clarenecessities: oh whoops i was looking in the wrong section

---

03/01/2017 [[To Barbie, who appears to have left for good by this point.]]

oocneoblog: Hi, I'm not sure how often you come on here anymore or if you'll even see this but I really need to talk to you about what happened in the neogames chat. I've been putting it off for a while because I didn't know if you'd even want to hear from me but... I always appreciated our friendship and it makes me so sad to think that I ever hurt you.

[diagrapher]

Differences I know of so far between Exalted editions

So, recently I told Ununnilium about the main differences between Exalted editions that I could think of, and I figured I should list them here too.

General:

So far, 3rd edition has a lot less content than the first two editions since it’s only new. Thus, for example, it only has rules for playing one type of Exalted so far.


Mechanical:

1st edition’s combat system was broken, 2nd edition’s combat system was horribly broken until it got a whole book of erata, 3rd edition’s combat system seems to be OK so far.

Each successive edition has less restrictions on what a PC’s personality can be like- 1st gives a list of "natures” defining how they behave (e.g. you could choose to have your character a “traditionalist” or a “thrillseeker”, but not both”, a fixed number of things characters get to care deeply about and a number of dots to distribute between compassion, conviction, temperance and valor. 2nd gets rid of the "natures”. 3rd gets rid of the four virtues and lets characters care deeply about as many things as you like, but on the other hand requires that characters deeply hate at least one thing.


1st edition has no social influence system beyond it’s general handling-difficult-tasks system. 2nd edition has a horrible social influence system in which everything has an unnecessarily flavorless name and peoples’ deepest commitments reputedly tend to only effect social influence slightly even when they’re relevant. 3rd edition has a pretty good social influence system.

1st edition has no crafting system beyond it’s general handling-difficult-tasks system. 2nd edition has a simple but workable crafting system. 3rd edition has a horribly overcomplicated crafting system with six different abstract resources, three of which have competely flavorless names, and has the potential to create situations where someone is unable to make something they need to for reasons which don’t make much sense.

2nd edition combines martial arts and “brawl” (i.e. self-taught unarmed combat) into a single ability, combines “endurance” (tolerating long periods of cold, thirst etc.) and “resistance” (tolerating injury, poison etc.) into a single ability, and adds “war” (i.e. military command) as an ability. 3rd edition splits brawl and martial arts again but otherwise keeps the same abilities as 2nd edition.


3rd edition fixes a problem previous editions had where raising your essence rating required saving a ridiculously huge amount of XP, which meant a long period refraining for cool shorter-term character advancement options. It also has PCs start the game at Essence 1 rather than Essence 2, which avoids quite a bit of confusion

3rd edition removes the rules for most sorts of non-sorcerous traditional magic like astrology, although some of them still exist in-setting.

3rd edition removes the rules for how having a teacher changes training times, instead just saying the GM should decide how much it improves them.


Something pretty interesting which I forgot to tell Ununnilium; 3rd edition adds a system to encourage non-GM players to join the GM in introducing setting details if they’re details their characters would know.

Setting:

In 1e, Luna would only be a somewhat powerful god if not for her Primordial girlfriend Gaia. In 2e, Luna was created already one of the most powerful gods, while Gaia has mostly left Creation into the depths of the Wyld, only leaving behind a relatively weak avatar to keep her girlfriend Luna company, tend her garden and so forth. In 3e, Gaia left the world entirely after the Primordial War and is implied to have broken up with Luna (who is still one of the most powerful gods) when she did so, possibly because of what was done to her family after the war or possibly for other reasons.

In 1e, the underworld is a dim, barren reflection of Creation in which ghosts have a similar multidude of social structures to the living, among them the twelve kingdoms of the Deathlords. In 2e, it is a dim, barren reflection of Creation which (apart from a few well-defended or low-value areas) has been conquered by the twelve empires of the Deathlords. In 3e, it is a vast expanse of islands separated by rivers. The Deathlords rule parts of it, but its not yet clear how much.

In 2e, the city of Sijan has been a city of tombs and funerals since time immemorial. In 3e, it’s only been so since the Great Contagion, when its people set up a program to retrieve and provide funeral for those victims of the contagion who would otherwise have gone without funerals.

2e’s later expansions had a lot of information about obscure-in-universe lore like the details of life in the first age which is absent in 1e and so far in 3e.

Both:

1e has the Terrestrial, Solar, Lunar Siderial, Abyssal and Alchemical exalted. 2e adds Infernals. 3e is adding Liminals, Exigents and Getimians.

1e lunars are violent brutes. 2e lunars are sneaky, iconoclastic, loyal beings who reshape  societies from the shadows while protecting them from outside threats. We don’t know much about 3e lunars yet but we know that whereas 2e ones controlled some of the “barbarian” societies secretly, 3e ones rule them openly.

The details of the charm trees are different in each edition. 3e charms tend to have weird inelegant mechanical complications like using just about every possible mechanical representation of “you’re slightly better at this thing represented as a dice roll” or dropping in cost from 7m to 6m when you go from Essence 2 to Essence 3. I might go into more detail about charm tree diferences in a later post, but I’d need to look at them in more detail first.

In 3e there are people in Creation- called “Thaumaturges”- with strange minor inborn magical talents such as the ability to light fires which will repel rain or to read tea-leaves accurately.

Sorcery:

In 1e and 2e, to learn sorcery without being a Primordial one must pass through five stations- instruction in sorcery, giving up something important to you, and three other relatively minor stations. Most mortals (God-Blooded, Exalted or most supernatural beings) must additionally gain the ability to perceive and manipulate essence through one of a number of methods, including: a certain type of transformative experience in the Wyld, a blessing from a spirit or Celestial Exalt who knows an appropriate charm, certain ascetic practices, a dangerous occult ritual in a demesne or certain dangerous drugs.

In 3e, the only requirement to learn sorcery- whether for a mortal or an Exalt- is to gain the ability to perceive and manipulate the essence of the world in the appropriate way, which both mortals and exalts can do through a transformative experience in the Wyld, a blessing from a spirit (but Celestial Exalts aren’t mentioned there), a combination of asceticism and alchemical self-modification, or other methods not described in the rules. Further, in 3e, the way in which a sorcerer shapes essence for a spell is determined by how they gained the power to do it- for example, someone granted that power by a fire elemental might need to burn stuff to cast spells.

Martial Arts

In 1e and 2e, martial arts are divided into four types: natural martial arts (which don’t involve charms and can be learned by anyone), Terrestrial supernatural martial arts (which involve learning special martial arts charms and can be learned by anyone who can perceive and manipulate essence, but for which mortal essence-manipulators require especially skilled teachers), Celestial martial arts (which also involve charms and require a style of essence perception and manipulation which is impossible for mortals, which comes naturally to Celestial Exalted, and which Terrestrial Exalted can develop through an onerous ten-year training process, but for which Terrestrial Exalted still need especially skilled teachers) and Siderial martial arts (which tend to be much more obviously-supernatural than other martial arts and which can be learned by Solar-tier and Siderial Exalted who have already mastered a Celestial Martial Art, but for which non-Siderials need especially skilled Siderial teachers).

In 3e, there are only regular and Siderial martial arts, with non-Siderial martial arts being learnable by anyone, but providing charms to Exalted and only Exalted practitioners, with the charms having a less-powerful form usable by any Exalt, a more powerful form usable by any Lunar Exalted and by Terrestrial Exalted who have gone through an arduous training process, and a still more powerful form usable by Solar-tier and Siderial Exalted.


Solar Anima Powers:

3e changes the Solar anima powers

Dawns’ ability to get supernaturally scary, Zeniths’ bonus against the undead and Eclipses’ oath-sanctifying power all get sneakier- Dawns go from “become huge, glowing, and extremely scary” to “just get really scary for reasons people probably couldn’t explain”, Zeniths no longer glow when they use their bonus against undead and Eclipses’ power goes from “if everyone involved agrees to it, you may have glowing writing appear and a deal be enchanted so that those who break it suffer misforture” to “if anyone makes a deal in your presence, you may enchant it so that those who break it suffer misfortune, and if you wish you may also make glowing writing appear to show that you’ve done so.

Dawns now also get general combat bonuses. When zeniths use their anima power to cremate corpses, they now sense some of the intimacies of the dead and may pass those feelings on to the people they were for. Zeniths may also now compel gods to materialize. Twilights may now vanish until sunset over several round of combat to escape attackers, and may now bind familiars as an anima power. Nights just get some minor mechanical tweaks.

Eclipses can now learn spirit and fair folk charms as easily as they can Solar ones given an appropriate teacher, but can no longer learn the charms of non-Solar exalted at all.

[jodybouchard9]

A Loving Ode to Clutter: 5 Reasons Stuff Is Actually Good for Your Home

asbe/iStock

Minimalism, Marie Kondo, clear open spaces with one lone object perched on an otherwise empty shelf—such austere home decor may inspire many, but I’m here to say I’m over it. All hail maximalism instead!

Seriously, guys. Those rooms bathed in “greige” or off-white that “add interest” with a single textural element? Sigh. Aren’t you tired of that yet?

I’ve heard the cultlike dogma of how decluttering will “set me free,” how clutter in my visual field is akin to clutter in my mind, how it’s even a cancer on my happiness. But I respectfully disagree. Here are five reasons why stuff is actually good for your home, and how happy you are in it.

1. If you cook, read, or have hobbies, you need stuff to do it with

Do vegetable peelers spark joy? Do colanders? The most useful tools in my kitchen are ugly. The more use they get, the more battered they become, and not in some beautiful French wooden spoon way. Just in a regular dinged-up way.

These tools are beautiful to me in their usefulness, and in the things they let me do: make food for the people I love. This must be true for anyone with a hobby—painting, sewing, woodworking.

The more perfect, minimalist, and styled a workspace is, the less functional it is to anyone actually trying to make something in it.

Form has so mercilessly beaten function into the ground that visible implements of work are no longer acceptable. We are all supposed to aspire to stark-white kitchens filled with gleaming tile and spotless Vitamix machines, where homely utensils hide in the cabinet. I guarantee that 80% of your cooking time in a kitchen like that will be spent taking tools out of cabinets and putting them back in.

While we’re at it, I’ll go to bat for the much-maligned unitaskers, too: When you need to pit cherries, only a cherry pitter will do. I’d much rather have a cluttered kitchen than spend cherry season poking pits out with a straw (what the internet suggests).

And don’t even get me started on people who think books are ugly (books that will be read, not some curated selection of leather-bound first editions or books arranged by color.) That just makes me sad.

Books are beautiful, and meant to be read.

Audrey Ference

A recent study even found that messy spaces enhance creativity. “That disordered or chaotic workspace may be enhancing your creativity,” Dana Dunn points out in Psychology Today. “Conversely, that Zen-like, minimalist hideaway may be undermining your originality and inventiveness.”

Beyond that, though, it’s just boring to see so many people choose the same near-blank slate for their spaces, however Instagrammable they may be.

2. Minimalism is wasteful, actually

So OK, the idea is that purging all of your excess stuff—hopefully at least donating it somewhere—leaves you with just the essentials. You feel cleaner, clearer, lighter. I think everyone has done this before, and experienced the sense of accomplishment that a mostly empty closet or drawer brings. But then, oops, you need one of the things you got rid of.

It turns out, although you use a seam ripper or long underwear or a fat separator only once a year, you do in fact need them once a year. So you go buy a new one, which feels nice, because it’s shiny and new instead of old and used and you can get it cheap on Amazon. Then you do your seasonal purge and get rid of it again. Rinse, repeat.

At no point in the cycle do you feel bad, because we are conditioned to enjoy buying things, and to see things as disposable. But that’s kind of awful, isn’t it? The best-case scenario is this stuff is getting reused by someone else and not ending up in a landfill; however, resources are still needed to produce and ship the stuff, to cart the used objects to a resale store.

Instead, you could just have a drawer full of items you use only occasionally. The clutter police would have you believe this is awful, but if you really think about it, maybe it’s the other way around.

3. Minimalism isn’t less work, it’s more work

I feel like one of the most disingenuous claims that minimalists make is that once you release yourself from the burden of things, life is just so much simpler, freer, easier. This is true only if you have a dedicated household staff. Which, I guess, is why it’s so aspirational.

If you have people to feed you and clean up after you and scrub your white tile, then congratulations, you are wealthy and you should choose whatever design suits your fancy. If you’re cooking for yourself every day and cleaning your own bathrooms, ultrawhite minimalism seems like a bad choice.

Of course, I’m not suggesting you live in filth, but there’s a difference between cleaning the bathroom once a week and constantly buffing the smudges out of your white quartz countertop.

In a house comfortably filled with well-chosen stuff, you can leave your keys on the counter or a stack of books on a table without their looking like a beacon that screams mess. There’s a reason people use words such as “livable” and “comfortable” to describe less-than-minimalist spaces: because you can live in them comfortably.

4. If you have kids or pets, clutter is inevitable

Even if you’re that parent who dresses your children in drab Nordic sheaths and allows them to play with only $150 abstract woodblock sets, your kids are going to find a way to introduce hideous plastic Elmos into your home. Where do they come from? Are the grandparents sneaking them in? They seem to multiply in drawers and corners until suddenly your house is covered in lurid pink princesses, violent action figures, and anthropomorphic talking trains.

Your least favorite toy is pretty much guaranteed to be your child’s most favorite toy. The reason kids’ toys are tacky is because children don’t actually like tasteful things—they don’t care about earth tones or artisanal crafting. As such, trying to be minimalist with children is a Sisyphean task, and a thankless one. Just accept that kids (and pets) require stuff, and find some bins to shove everything into at the end of the day. An ottoman that is secretly a storage bin has made a huge difference in the amount of Peppa Pigs littering my living room floor at any given time.

This stuff has meaning by bringing to mind a specific time, place, or person who is near and dear.

Audrey Ference

5. It’s not cluttered—it’s curated

Designers have such condescending names for little things: knickknacks, curios, souvenirs. Why should it be verboten to display all of the little things you have gone through life picking up? Why are only expensive, purchased-specifically-for-the-space accessories acceptable?

The surfaces of my home are filled with stuff my husband and I have acquired throughout the course of our lives: ceramic owls, crystals, action figures, this weird garden gnome his grandma painted, a bust of Elvis, an octopus keyring, family photos, nonfamily photos, books, comics, records, postcards, stuff. Stuff that I love, that has meaning to me, that reminds me of a specific time, place, or person who is near and dear to my heart.

I don’t save all the stuff I come across; I’m not an advocate for hoarding. I know we’re all tired of the word “curated,” but maybe that’s what I’m really talking about. A curated aesthetic of much-ness: colors, textures, objects, shapes, in abundance and all at once. I know that’s not for everyone. But it’s the kind of beauty I’d like to see appreciated, instead of written off as mere clutter. In my house at least, clutter is beautiful, and it’s here to stay.

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