#i’m still hashing out a lot of details. many things i’ve yet to design or think about sufficiently | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

alixanonymous · 4 years ago

Text

How A Demon Commissions An Angel ~ A Daminette FanFic ~ Chapter 5: An Exchange Of Information

Date: November 5, 2021 5:30 P.M.

Subject: RE: The Plan

Dear Marinette,

(Am I assuming too much by addressing you by your first name if you’ve already addressed me by mine? If so, that would be a little hypocritical, wouldn’t you agree?)

Just as a general rule, I probably won’t get any references you make to any kind of children’s show (I had to look up Arthur after your first email). Like I mentioned before, I lived with my mother for the first part of my life and the idea of her ever even considering letting me watch cartoons is laughable. I did look up what you were talking about however and it seems like you were describing when shows try to portray a person’s conscience by putting an angel and a devil on either of their shoulders. In that case, I would agree with your assessment: between the two of us, I would definitely not be the angel in this case.

I’m grateful for that fact too as it seems that your kindness has only helped you to be so easily taken advantage of by those closest to you. You asked me for my thoughts on your situation so I trust that you won’t hold anything I say against me (again) on account that the whole point of this is that my opinion will obviously contrast with yours.

Here’s how I see it: Your friend (although I hope you will choose not to call him that any longer) is simply not in a position to offer you friendship and so in any case he cannot be angry at you for not accepting whatever he can give. What are you, a dog? What can he expect, that you will come when he can call but accept being ignored the other half of the time? Surely you have more self respect than that if your first email to me meant anything.

As for feeling guilty, he chose to put his needs above yours, if he blames you for doing the same, then he is a hypocrite. He made his choice and he will have to face the consequences for it; in no way is any of that your fault.

After reading your last email, I must admit that it’s relief to see that you at least have some idea of how this will work because saying that all this is new to me would be a gross understatement. As for the aforementioned incident that started this whole ordeal, let’s just say my family’s lecturing on the subject more than sufficed. If I come across any situations that I could use another opinion on, I will let you know. I confess that writing to you is far more preferable than being chided by any of my idiot brothers.

On the subject of idiot brothers, for the commission, the sweaters would be for Grayson and Drake and the jacket for Todd. I trust your judgement when it comes to the designs and will be ready to give my disapproval should anything on the sketches seem off-putting. I look forward to seeing what you come up with. As for the NDA, I’m afraid you’re right in that I cannot oblige. I trust you understand.

Sincerely,

Damian W.

Postscript: Considering what happened the first time I ended an email

to you with two initials, can you really blame me for not taking any chances, especially when you take into account my “snobbish” self, your word not mine, and the fact that my self-esteem is still suffering from your first email. I mean if you really want something to feel guilty about…

From:[email protected]

To:[email protected]

Date:November 6, 2021 1:30 A.M.

Subject: That’s Not How This Works

Dear Damian,

I’m afraid that simply saying you “trust my judgement when it comes to the designs” is not going to do it. If I tried to design anything based on the information you gave me, all I would have to go on is that you want two sweaters and a jacket. Do you have any idea how many types of sweaters and jackets there are?

On top of that, didn’t your father say these gifts have to be sentimental? If you really want the pieces to be meaningful I’m going to need a lot more information on your brothers. Tell me about them. What kind of relationships do you have with them? How would you describe each of their aesthetics? Imagine what you think would be their ideal sweater or jacket and then describe it to me, the more details, the better okay?

As for what you said about my uh maybe-maybe not a friend, I won’t deny your thoughts were somewhat valid if not a little harsh. I just need some time to think it over. I guess, beyond the guilt, I’m having a little trouble moving on. I mean besides the fact that he’s practically my only friend left in the class, he was also the first boy I ever really liked. Once upon a time, I thought I was in love with him even… It all seems so silly now. I’m just struggling with the fact that so many people in my life aren’t who I thought they were. Anyway, I don’t need your opinion on any of that last stuff, okay? I think the rest is up to me and like I said, I need some time to figure this out.

Thanks for listening, Damian. You do have a way of putting things into perspective. Now please, give me a better understanding of what I need to make your brothers so we can get this show on the road. Love,

Marinette (Which you can call me!)

P.S. I like how you lectured me on how being kind allows people to take advantage of me and then proceeded to try and guilt trip me into ignoring your past misdeeds. Fyi, Mr.Postscript née Blackmailer? It didn’t work!

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: November 6, 2021 5:30 P.M.

Subject: What The Hell Is An Aesthetic?

Dear Marinette,

I understand that I’m not a fashion designer myself but I really can’t see how much answering your questions would help with the design. How will knowing about my relationships with them help you make their clothes? If I tell you I don’t like one in particular, are you going to make theirs out of a scratchy material or something? Are you sure that question wasn’t posed out of curiosity because you gave me more insight on your personal life but I didn’t offer anything on mine? I assure you it’s nothing personal, I simply like my privacy.

As I’m sure you can guess from the subject line, I had a little trouble researching what aesthetics are because nothing seems to make sense. It’s as if a lot of people collectively decided to use a word wrong. I don’t know what you want me to say.

In hindsight, I can admit I didn’t really give you much to go on but in all honesty I think my brothers will probably freak out simply over the fact that they’ll get to have MDC originals. If I were to guess what they’d like, I’d say Drake could really do with something comfortable, Todd’s wardrobe consists mainly of biker jackets and I truly couldn’t see him wearing anything else, and Grayson? He’s the easiest to please but if we’re going for sentimental value I think a Christmas sweater would do, the tackier the better.

Is that enough to work on? Sincerely,

Damian

Postscript: Have you yet to realize that while you let your “friends” walk all over you, you seem to not let me get away with anything? Is it also too much to assume from your email that you’ve since discovered you can do better than your good-for-nothing friend?

From:[email protected]

To:[email protected]

Date:November 7, 2021 12:01 A.M.

Subject: (Sigh)

Dear Damian,

No, that was not nearly enough to work on. All I have to go on at the moment is that Drake wants a comfy sweater, Todd’s fashion sense is limited to leather jackets, and Grayson wants a “tacky” Christmas sweater. I don’t even know where to start with that.

Now because it’s taking us so long just to sort out the basic details, I was going to suggest we exchange phone numbers to make things go a little faster but as it seems that you think I have nothing better to do than wonder about your personal life (I do by the way), I’m worried you’d accuse me of being a stalker. So, let me try to be a little more clear.

Sentimental value comes from using what you know about a person to give them something that would mean more to them personally than say a random stranger on the street. I can’t help you much with the design because I don’t have a relationship with your brothers. I don’t know them and I have no clue what they like or want. Still with me?

The reason I asked about relationships to them is because the more personal you make the gifts, the more thoughtful they’ll be considered and, here’s what your stake in this is, the more likely you are to not be sent away. I was looking for details like inside jokes, common interests between your siblings, maybe things you bonded over in the beginning. A lot of my inspiration and artistry comes from little small details expressed in the design through methods like stitching or embroidery.

I can now see that it might be hard for some people to know what might provoke inspiration. So I’ll start with some small specifics: What colors are their favorites? Hoods or no hoods? Zipper or buttons? Pockets? Like I mentioned before, it would be a really big help if we could set up a time and just hash this out through text messages. It’s important that we’re on the same page here. If you don’t like the first few rounds of designs, well then we’d really be cutting it close for time. I’d normally be doing this kind of a commission in person or at least over the phone or skype.

That being said, if it’s truly something you’re not comfortable with, we can totally find a way to make this work. Okay, Damian? Love,

Marinette

P.S. I’m beginning to see that there’s a difference between writing to you and dealing with my classmates. I don’t know if it’s because we’re not face to face or the fact that you’re still practically a stranger. Something about our emails makes me feel, I don’t know, self assured again, maybe your arrogant manner just trumps any restraint I’d otherwise have. And as for if I’ve learned I can do better (Now who’s more invested in the other’s social life?), you might be interested to know I’ve stopped replying to my no-longer-a-friend’s texts.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: November 7, 2021 6:30 A.M.

Subject: Let’s Get This Over With

Dear Marinette,

I see I may have overlooked a little when it comes to the designing process. I didn’t mean to insult you by saying your questions weren’t valid. In my defense, I may have been a bit frustrated after failing to learn what an aesthetic is (you still haven’t explained that by the way). I also think I’m beginning to understand what you mean about sentimental value and of course I want to maximize my chances of staying.

So, here’s my phone number: X-XXX-XXX-XXXX. I will make myself available today from 2:00-5:00 p.m. Gotham Standard Time which is 8:00-11:00 p.m. Paris time I believe. Does that work for you?

As for your smaller questions: Grayson’s favorite color is dark/ navy blue, Drake and Todd both like red and black. On the subject of hoods, possibly one for Drake’s sweater, perhaps the kind that has those ties that can be pulled to close it, and for Todd’s jacket, definitely. If a zipper or button is needed then zippers would be preferable. As for pockets, perhaps we could go over them later. I suppose it would depend on the design.

I trust this email was a little more helpful than the last few and look forward to your further contact, if the timing’s to your liking. Sincerely,

Damian

Postscript: I can’t say I entirely understand what you mean but our emails are definitely new territory for me as well. I couldn’t imagine talking to my classmates the way I write to you. While I am satisfied to see you made the right choice (with my suggestion mind you) about what to do about your no-longer-worth-a-thought peer, I find it quite misrepresentative for you to say I’m invested in your social life when this whole deal of ours was your idea in the first place.

Needed to go over this while writing chapter nine and figured while I had the document up I might as well repost it here. To any of my AO3 readers, guess what? Chapter nine is practically finished! I still have a few more details to work out but it should be up either today or tomorrow! I’m both nervous and excited to finally have it posted! Anyway, see you soon!

Master List

#MariBat #Daminette #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #Damian Wayne #FanFic

101 notes · View notes

an-american-teen-against-crime · 4 years ago

Text

SAW RANT TIME

So I was ranting about SAW earlier and I just need to make it into a post. There is SO MUCH IN THIS GAME I JUST LOVE. However for the sake of my fingers typing this all out and your poor eyes if you read all this I will be more focusing on plot, spooks, and such since we already know the puzzles be pretty dope. (spoilers of course)

First off, this game is just so freaky. Like I forget every single time how SCARY it is. The sound design is off the charts, the weird ghost sounds and the static, dripping water and the crashing noises? It’s amazing. The music is beautiful and haunting at times, and at others it’s straight up stressful and terrifying.

There was legit one point I had to leave the Ryokan and go into town I just couldn’t take the uneasiness anymore.

And it’s not just the music and sound; the empty, sterile, cold feeling is so freaky. And don’t get me started on the underground baths. That place is terrifying. It just feels dead and like you’re gonna get sick and die in there or something. Or find something you will never be able to forget.

Even the town is kinda unsettling- it’s so empty. Like every Nancy drew game is like this but it’s somehow much more noticeable and odd in this one. You’re not even safe in town due to the dvd, the window scene, and the text message.

As for the actual haunts themselves, I get so freaked out everytime. The baths, the string of doors closing, the two removed, red name, watery footprints, the shadows, and especially the time you get locked in the room. That one gives me so much anxiety I dread it every single time I play the game.

The setting is just so terrifying and honestly I love this game for it. (funny story I waited a while to play this game after it came out because I was deathly afraid of it but that’s a story for another time) (didn’t look in mirrors for a while)

But enough about the spooky stuff. I wanna get into the story.

There were a few things I noticed on my playthrough of the game this past time. First, Rentaro mentions that the hauntings started when someone saw something in the baths a few years ago. Then the ghost hunters started showing up. At the end of the game he says “I didn’t start that- they did! They wanted a show and I gave it to them!” which makes me wonder. He clearly is referring to the ghost hunters here, the ones that showed up after the first haunting. He got the idea from them. So what was the first haunting?

I’m open to any answer really. You can say that there are no real ghosts at the Ryokan, like Nancy believes. Or you can say that the ghosts are real; which leaves you with two options.

Kasumi is indeed a ghost haunting the Ryokan. This is either because of her death, or because her will isn’t found yet, but I believe if she really is there Nancy’s actions did help her spirit pass on. I don’t want to go....to much into her death but it’s all very weird for me. But we’ll talk more on Kasumi later.

The other option is that there are other ghosts there besides Kasumi. It wouldn’t surprise me, this place is super old and just has really weird vibes. This would mean that they were around before Kasumi died.

My thoughts on Kasumi and the family:

As for Kasumi’s death, I’ve always thought it was weird how everyone treated it but it was very integral for the story. Which is why I feel it’s weird not to clear things up? It’s so weird because they say the police considered it to be a homicide. Why? Some people have said they thought it could have been purposeful on Kasumi’s end but I feel like the police would figure that out? (there is the whole business with the sword shrine there at the end) Miwako says they all just let her die there alone, and it’s clear that they all feel guilty for her death, especially Takae. Maybe she fell into the water and didn’t try to get out? I don’t know. This part of the game is still a bit confusing to me, but I guess the important part of information is that they all feel guilty for her death. I also have a theory that it could have happened because of the other ghosts in the Ryokan and that’s why I brought that theory up earlier but that has less backing.

(if you are having suicidal thoughts or anything relating to that please seek help! For more information please go to this website for services to help you)

But beyond that, I wanna talk about Yumi. Yumi found Kasumi that night; she was only sixteen I believe. Later on when she was old enough she left the Ryokan, wanting to forget the past, “where you keep all the terrible things that have happened”. Yumi is such an interesting character to me; she has this weird friendliness that seems to come so fast. She seems carefree, confident and stubborn, yet she has these moments where the facade drops and you see just how scared she is. She is terrified of the Ryokan, and she is terrified her mother is still there. Based on the DVD I think she’s gotten numerous hauntings herself, and I really feel for her.

She secretly wants Nancy to figure out what’s going on from the pictures, but she is consistently warning her off it which is a bit weird. I also get the vibe that right off the bat she’s testing Nancy, seeing if she can really do this. I feel like some people can write off Yumi as being a selfish brat, which I understand but at the same time I get it. I’d want to get out of there too. She’s gone through a lot of trauma and I really feel for her. She’s running from her past and trying not to let it catch up to her.

Yumi leads Nancy to her set of numbers so she can solve the puzzle, which makes me think she believed Nancy could figure it out and probably solve whatever puzzle Kasumi had put together, which might end everything. (she was right yo) But after Nancy sees the window message near the very end of the game which says “Yumi I know your secret-I can’t wait to see you again”. That is not only freaking terrifying for us, but in context for Yumi even more so. I may be wrong on this, but I’m guessing the “secret” is that Yumi believes the hauntings are because of her- because she left the Ryokan. This is her fear and what she’s been trying to run from.

Me thinks Yumi has been seeing this same message many a night and why she sometimes doesn’t stay in her apartment, rather at a friends. Nancy seeing it makes her believe that she hasn’t just been seeing things and that it is real- she tells Nancy not to worry and that she will make everything right. I take this as her saying she will go back to the Ryokan and take over; which is exactly what Rentaro was trying to get her to do with that message.

Essentially, it’s a good thing Nancy solves the case when she does, otherwise it would have been too late- Rentaro would have won.

As for Takae; we know a lot about her, and I don’t want this to drag on even more, but I want to bring up one particular convo you have with her. She talks about how as she was a child a bird she tried to lure into her room got in and couldn’t get out. How the bird was thrashing and so scared, and how much it hurt Takae to see her like that. At the end Nancy asks why the heck she had to sit through such a lot story, and Takae says “Kasumi is still here. I must help her.”

Takae wanted Kasumi to stay forever at the Ryokan, hence the food luring bit. But once she got in, once she stayed it wasn’t right- she’s scared and confused and can’t get out- harming herself and others. At least this is how Takae sees it.

This is important because at the end of the game during Nancy’s letter you see a bird on her balcony. When she describes how the Ryokan is getting more guests than ever, the bird is show to have flown away.

I was always confused at this detail but now I realize that this is the same bird as before- Kasumi.

Now you can take either enterpretation you want; you can say that because of Nancy, the family is finally able to let go of their guilt that haunted them. The “a ghost doesn’t have to be real to haunt you” bit. They are able to move on and set her free.

You can also take this as Nancy finding the will and stopping Rentaro literally set her spirit free, and she was no longer trapped haunting the Ryokan.

Either way you interpret this game, there is something very special to it. It talks about grief and guilt, and how the past affects people. I feel like HeR started to bring up deeper storylines in these later games such as in SAW, CAP, and GTH. But they also left it open to allow the supernatural to be still real as well.

Shadow at the Water’s edge is probably one of my favorite games and it’s spooky lil butt will always hold a place in my heart. If you read this, I hope you enjoyed me hashing out my thoughts, and please let me know anything you wanna bring up about this game!!!!

Stay slueghthy my dudes

#analysis #SAW #guess I done seen it #nancy drew #shadow at the waters edge #cambria analyzes #more like rants #and repeats everything everyone already knows lol

24 notes · View notes

destiny-smasher · 5 years ago

Text

I used to be close friends with one of the composers for Steven Universe. I watched them rise from a YouTube remixer living in a cramped bedroom in a shared apartment with nothing but a mattress on the floor and a keyboard beside it to owning a house, happily married with a whole backyard garden and a cat because they found success working on one of the biggest cartoon shows I’ve known. But they broke off that friendship earlier this year and it’s made my biased love for Steven Universe become very difficult to grasp with. Understanding how and why we weren’t friends anymore was likewise difficult to grasp, even after hours of us trying to hash things out and resolve it. And while we DID resolve things amicably (I hope) and peacefully, it wasn’t until Steven Universe: The Movie that I was really able to feel like I could see the forest from the trees and ‘get’ what happened. This will be a kind of review of the movie, but mostly it became more of a personal ramble relating my real life experiences with Aivi to those of characters within SU, especially the antagonist of the Movie. This is lifted from this Twitter thread, so it was originally written stream of consciousness and I’m sharing it here to keep it more readable and archived. This is a bit of a read so tucking it behind a ‘read more.’

"You keep on turning pages for people who don't care about you And still it takes you ages to see that no one's there Everyone's gone on without you"

Time to finally talk about the #StevenUniverse Movie. Strap in 'cause this gon' get personal.

It should go without saying BUT I am gonna be talking about the movie! Dunno how in detail per se but I can't properly say what I wanna say without diving into some of the important plotty stuff. So yea.

Don't read this thread if ya don't want #spoilers #sumovie

First off, I wanna talk about what this movie does well. Going in, I had heard it was framed like a musical. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea, though it wasn't surprising. After all, the 'musical' style episodes tend to resonate quite a lot.

I think they work great when it's one song in a 10 minute episode, but an hour and a half of songs? I wasn't sure how well that would go. Turns out, pretty well. This is due to many factors but primarily the variety of song styles and art styles used throughout. Basically every scene has a primary song that drives it home, and basically all of them have a different genre/tone as well as visual presentation style. A lot of work went into getting it all to work together and feel cohesive. TBH for me personally the main highlight of the movie was honestly the animation. Average TV goers might just see "yup sure looks like a cartoon" but on the whole, on average, the movie is CLEARLY animated and framed with much more dynamism and detail than the majority of SU. Getting to see these characters we've gotten to know over the past few years a couple years in the future, generally at peace with things, but animated with more detail than ever, THAT is the true highlight of the film for me. Naturally, there was a lot of bits of comedy, often relying on knowledge of what the characters have been through, and I felt a lot of bittersweet smiles throughout as this felt like a good send off for Steven and his Space Moms. It managed to work in cameos from basically everyone you'd expect, some of which...didn't work out as well as others (specifically, the Diamonds bookending the movie was a bit forced and weird IMO but they ARE important to the lore even if I find them boring tbh) It was nice getting to 'catch up' with everyone, and the plot itself uses a generic 'gotta save the world again' thing (bleh) in a creative way, at least -- it all becomes an excuse to "re-live" the four primary heroes' stories through song. Cool enough. Something the movie inadvertently highlights, however, is the fact that SU as a series really started spinning its wheels a lot for its second half, in particular. Much has been said about how and why and why or not this doesn't matter, etc. etc. I was just along for the ride. I've repeatedly expressed my personal bias in the series' favor for a long time, and now? I kinda don't really have that personal bias anymore. I still love the show, I still think it's one of the best cartoons I've ever seen. But those rose-tinted glasses are off now. Taking said glasses off and actually listening to and looking up what critics of the show had to say kind of unearthed a bunch of things I had kept sweeping under the rug for the sake of personal bias/support of someone I loved and cared for a lot. We'll get back to that. I say all of this because the movie ironically failed to do much of anything NEW, something the series itself kind of struggled with for a while until it finally got around to the conclusion of Steven's story arc. The film ultimately kind of ends with "yeah Steven can change!" Which, um yea? Obviously. He's a completely different person than he was in S1. But he's kiiiiinda been the same person for....some while now. The weird irony of SU as a series is that about halfway through the narrative, the protag has essentially grown up, done. The last half or third or so of SU's narrative was basically Steven having to cheer everyone around him up and help them deal with their shit, and...kinda just going about that essentially the same way every time. The power of love, the friends we made along the way, etc. To be clear, there's nothing BAD about this, and in fact it's what sets Steven apart from most every other narrative of this type. The protag is almost always forced to change in ways they don't want, do things they don't want to do, etc. But when you put it side by side with something like Avatar or Gravity Falls, those series saw everyone growing alongside each other. There are clear arcs for everyone, almost all of which get resolved in ways fitting each character. It's imperfect but it's varied. SU has a tendency to just...hammer everyone's character flaws and arcs with ONE option: just love yourself and be nice, and everyyyyyyythinggggg 'll work out in the end! Which is fine, but when a story does it for so long, over and over, always the same, it gets a bit weird. I specifically LIKED in the film, at the end, that Steven actually does have to fight, because THAT is what Spinel needed to do. She needed to let out all of that anger, and that violence was her own way of doing it. 'you can't just sing a song to make everything go away' etc. It's typical, perhaps, for protagonists to have to tackle problems in different ways because that's LIFE. The fact is, Steven's approach will NOT save everyone. Lapis stilllll kinda stands as an example of this but an as of yet unresolved one. I liked that at the end of things, Spinel still doesn't come into the same fold as everyone else. Basically "sorry, I already fucked this up too much, I can't really deal with this," and that is IMPORTANT and I really liked it. Before really digging into the personal angle, I want to bring up how fascinating it is that the movie essentially had a real BUDGET and so they deliberately seemed to design an antagonist that would take full advantage of that animation budget. EASILY, by far, Spinel is the most interesting-to-watch antag in the whole series imo, in terms of how she moves and fights, etc. They really just wanted to flex and they did it, but like any SU antag there's (somewhat predictable) motives. This gets back at what I was saying before -- how the series spins its wheels a lot -- but Spinel's motivation/back story isssss kiiiinnndaaaa a lot like many many characters' issues and, like, I get it. We get it. Steven's Mom was Not The Best does that have to be the basis behind kinda EVERYONE who goes against Steven? Or the Gems? Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot all offered more varied motivations, and even THEN, Bismuth was still essentially in the same boat? Anyway, I digress. I DO appreciate the way the series set up Rose as this wondrous lovely lady and has severely dissected and broken that down to the point where I really do not like Rose, in any of her ID's, as a character or a fictional person, and it did so gradually. A lot of what the movie did was kind of expected. Right? Songs, singing, check. Steven going about things the same way, check. Re-living/celebrating how far he and his moms have come, check. What I didn't expect was -- OK, well, there WAS that one fusion...which, um

But the actual thing that really latched onto me was how much I conncted with Spinel. As is the case with any story that has well presented characters, you can attach to SOME part of just about all of them. I associate most closely with Pearl overall but can relate with just about anyone prominent. I see parts of me and Jenny in Steven/Connie, in Ruby/Sapphire, in Peridot/Lapis. I see what kind of woman I might've become in Amethyst (and sometimes am). Spinel, though, is a really weird case because I see my adolescent self in her SO MUCH and yet fairly recent events in my life -- directly tied TO the show itself, mind you -- make that connection weirdly poignant and present. For some context, I used to be good friends with Aivi, one of the musicians who works on the series with their husband. Spring 2018, Aivi and I vocalized to each other that we considered one another one of the closest friends in each other's lives. We're no longer friends. To make sure this is clear, I think Aivi is a wonderful person, and our breaking apart wasn't violent or dramatic or anything, Aivi just...decided they weren't interested in the relationship anymore. And neglected to tell me this until like a year later. The context is of course not at ALL as severe or dramatic as Spinel/Pink, so please don't assume there's some one-to-one there. But OOF are there some harsh similarities and it really made Spinel's backstory sting in a very confusing way. I say 'confusing' because, as I mentioned, I see my adolescent self in Spinel. The way I was going about making friends matches her 'happy' self. The way I acted in my senior year of college matches her 'angry' self. There was no single person that created any of that, though. In high school, I was like Starfire, in college, I tried to nurture that, play to my strengths. I failed miserably. And what I feel is a big part of why is inherently tied to my transitioning (which is, still, something I feel I am failing miserably at). By the end of college I was more like Raven, and there I remained through the duration of my first long-term romance, into a very weird and atypical marriage and breakup, and then I moved to CA and started changing. Fittingly, my current self can't quite ID with any single Teen Titan. I'm not a teen anymore, after all. Throughout a lot of my friendship with Aivi, they really seemed to fixate on comparing me to Pearl. It sometimes made me uncomfortable the particular ways they did, though. I strongly identified with Pearl's flaws and strengths in personality (though we're obviously different people), and so seeing Pearl go through redemption via self-love and self-acceptance meant a lot to me. "It's Over, Isn't It?" I was IN THE ROOM listening to Aivi and their husband work on the chorus to that song. Obviously they couldn't talk about it but I knew damn well what it was about, and anticipated that piece for a long time. Now it's even more weirdly painful. I met Aivi because they made Mario arrangements they put on YouTube and they happened to live a few blocks away when I was subletting my first summer in CA. They seemed very kind and caring and eager to Be Nice and at the time I really needed that at a very vulnerable and fragile time in my life so I latched onto that. -In The Garden- The week when the LiS terfs freaked out on me and that Bad Spinel side of me lashed back, and I found myself suffering from being gaslit and facing the fact that the worst part of myself that Trigon in Raven's mind that Angry Spinel was still THERE was still ME It was too much For the first (and thankfully, only) time in my life, I experienced suicidal thoughts. And Aivi REACTED to that shit. Strongly. In a way no one ever had for me before, ever. They drove across the Bay to my house, picked me up, had me over, and helped me process it. And in the months to come, as I was healing and coming to terms with how That Worst Part of Me That I Wanted to BE RID OF was still THERE and apparently could just fucking show up, through all of that, Aivi helped me work through things, and we really bonded. In retrospect, though, it's SO damned hard for me to tell if Aivi and I became so close because of mutual respect or pity or just conditioned behavior to Be Nice and Keep Up Appearances. I dunno. What I know NOW is that apparently Cost More than I would've thought. I'm not Aivi so I don't want to really dig into 'dirt' (again, Aivi is a great person who works very hard and that's WHY their work is so good) but looking back, it's wild to see their progression into SUCCESS and fame while I just stood by, floundering The thing is, Aivi was a super busy person. We barely got to spend time together -- when we DID, it was a multi-hour affair and apart from like, Jenny, Aivi is prolly the person I've had the deepest, most vulnerable conversations with. They were next to me when I realized 'oh huh I'm maybe trans??' because they were there when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I never ASKED them to be there, to Be So Nice and as it turns out, Being So Nice is harder than it looks. So to kind of loop this back to the movie, I wasn't some Skullgirls Peacock Cuphead grinny goof or anything like that but I AM WILLING to bet that from Aivi's POV the way Happy Spinel acts toward Steven is prolly how I felt in Aivi's life at points, at the least. The irony is that we would go weeks, months, barely interacting. But looking back, the way Aivi talked about things, the same phrase keeps dominating my mind: Aivi got bored of me. I wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. Aivi said that day in spring 2018 was like 'the climax' of our friendship, or something like that. Way they talked about it was like...the finale of a season of TV. Our character arc together was over. Even though we TALKED about it, came to mutual understandimng of The Logic behind Aivi's decision to cut ties, I don't think it ever REALLY made sense to me, how Aivi must've felt about our friendship, until Spinel. By spring of 2019, my role in Aivi's life -- from what they have told me, from what I can perceive -- was more like I existed in a separate space from the rest of their life. I was that one interesting person always waiting in The Garden for them to visit when they felt like it Because while Aivi had gotten BIG, gotten MARRIED, gotten a HOUSE, found legitimate SUCCESS in their creative field I was still poor still stuck in retail still unable to find an audience still unable to understand the pressures of Success And OOOOFFF in those last couple years, interacting became more and more strained for both of us, from opposite ends of things. Aivi had responsibilities, PEOPLE vying for their attention, people wanting to hire them, projects to complete, a house, a spouse, etc etc My life was (and kiiiinda still is?) nothing like that, and as our Mutual Creatives Struggling to MAKE THINGS and Get By transforming into Yep I Am Still Here but you are SUCCESSFUL I think that really put a lot of strain on things I never accepted until Spinel. After Aivi hit it big with SU, in particular, they gradually started...acting differently. Acting in ways that made less and less sense to me. They were a Diamond now. And I was still just what I was. When drawing comparisons to characters on the show, Aivi persistently compared me to Pearl. A fact I once took pride in. They repeatedly compared themself to Garnet. Which...always kind of didn't make sense to me. Aivi wasn't really like Garnet. They are more NOW, though? In the sense of how they act, I suppose. Specifically, one of the last things Aivi said to me was that trying to be friends with me had started feeling like Pearl trying to force Garnet to fuse with her. This was problematic because from my POV nothing of the sort was happening. All I was looking for was occasionally hanging out a few times a year. Like. Ya know. Actually a lot less than what I was looking for with basically all of my other friends. And that was still Too Much? But when I start looking at things like Pink Diamond and Spinel instead of Pearl and Garnet, somehow things make a lot more sense. I was probably too clingy, too exciteable, and what amusement or relief I could provide eventually stopped being useful. Aivi eventually didn't even want to spend time with friends to just...spend time with them. Everything had to have some kind of practical Purpose to it, it had to be contributing to a Goal. I still don't get that, tbh. But I'm also not A Diamond. I'm not Successful. The most responsibility I have right now is fucking hanging up the laundry to dry. I have college loans that have and continue to feel pointless to try and repay. I have severe dental problems I haven't been able to fix. My body fell out of shape because of retail hell, and what energy I’ve had to spare from that always ends up going into the people I love, and trying to keep Making Things. Let's not forget The Complications of coming out and wanting to transition but not possessing the resources to do so. (Aivi was actually super supportive of this btw and was the first person to make me feel comfortable wearing feminine things so yea) Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that MY LIFE is not together. My personality is? I feel like I am finally Myself in terms of mental/emotional stability. And that is largely because Jenny helped me get there. But Aivi helped a lot with that, too. But I think Aivi got to a point where Success was more of a measure of how Grown Up and Healthy one was because despite my behavior, my personality, my mood, what I was asking for, and what I was giving, all changing DRASTICALLY after being with Jenny, I think Aivi still...looked at me the way Pink Diamond looked at Spinel during that song. Like, "yeeeaaaa ok kiddo it's time for me to go now, kinda done here" This is what's so confusing about all of this metaphor/etc. I'm not...like Spinel anymore? My current, post-coming-out self doesn't really relate with Happy OR Angry Spinel. It's almost like Aivi couldn't see me for who I became, and could only see me for who I had been. And maybe that's like why Spinel can't be friends with Steven at the end. It's too painful. I used to take pride in being associated with Pearl because "I'm enough" and "being strong in the REAL way" but now it's more like "oh you just think I'm still hung up and needy and clingy?" which uh don't feel so great a comparison. I can't help but wonder if while working on the movie, Aivi saw some of themself in Pink. Because I'm not the only person who apparently wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. And I'm not saying we should've kept forcing something that wasn't working. Not at all. What we had was good for both us, but it also entailed a lot of patience on my part and effort on theirs. And unlike any of my other long term friends, I often ended up waiting weeks, months, "Happily wondering night after night, Is this how it works? Am I doing it right?"

Years and years of broken friendships, one after the other, most lasting merely 6 months, MAYBE a year at most, with a handful that have lasted since middle school (but which are so much harder to maintain) took a toll on my Adult Self until Jenny, anyway. For quite a long time - the majority of my life, currently - I assumed I just was Too Different and that was why my friendships didn't seem to last, didn't seem to extend to the depths I was looking for. That's perhaps one critical difference between Spinel and I: she's looking for FUN, for smiling faces, for attention, for creating smiles, I just want some fucking consistency. At this point, I'm not even sure WHY I still reach out to people. I don't NEED friendships in that desperate way I used to, back in the Happy/Angry Spinel times. And I've come to terms with that Other Max part of myself and integrated it, accepted it. My worst parts are still me and instead of suppressing them (often by relying on bids of deep friendship with others) I just have to let them EXIST and let them do their thing once in a while. This is ALL why Celeste hit me as hard as it did. Because even if I'm not actually much like Spinel anymore, and Aivi's not really like Pink Diamond, even if I don't actually share much in common with Madeline (other than the subtle 'I drink sometimes to deal with my problems' thing, which I don't anymore) I still comprehend and resonate so much with that concept of just needing to accept the worst parts of yourself and work with them rather than trying to keep them caged up and then they escape and rampage every 5-10 years or so and ruin your life As I felt myself coming to all of these Good Feelings I FINALLY felt like I could help Aivi in the ways they had helped me. That I finally had something to offer I didn't before. Turns out, I didn't, apparently. Aivi had More Important Things to do than visit me in The Garden. And I couldn't blame them. Not a bit. Especially if they had gotten bored of visiting me. I didn't like feeling like a burden on them, either. Can't really argue with that. During the last time we talked, Aivi didn't use the WORDS, didn't literally say them, but I finally could see it: I wasn't Useful anymore. I couldn't Understand, either, because I wasn't Successful. Our friendship was rewarding, but because it required effort. And that effort was still worth it to me, but no longer to them. I was no longer worth it. And despite that, despite starting to feel those hunches, I spent those final months -- as had been the case before, they were afraid to hurt me so avoided actually confronting the problem -- I remained "Happy to listen, Happy to stay Happily watching her drift away" I have no idea if any aspect of our friendship impacted anything Aivi had worked on creatively. TBH Aivi seemed to approach even relationships themselves with more of a logical, pragmatic style -- it was entirely unique compared to anyone I had ever connected with. But if you've read @lis-allwounds then it might not surprise you to know that a lot of what I expressed through Stella and Max, as well as Other Max and Another Stella, channels a lot of these things. I even quoted Aivi directly in the story's end (perhaps foolishly optimistic) And yes, that epilogue moment of sorts is gonna be entirely different if I ever do finish the visual novel. The fact is that we were ALWAYS very different people and our friendship was weird and complicated and hard for one or both of us throughout its, what, 8 year duration? Ironically, I think I took away the opposite 'Character Arc Lesson' they did from all this. But that's just the thing, nothing is permanent for a Human Being. We aren't Gems, we don't actually fuse, we can't just change our appearances when we feel like it, or project ourselves to look how we want to look, or exist for thousands of years. But we DO all have different needs, different ways of understanding those needs, and different ways of needing to adjust or change ourselves or our environments in order to pursue what we want to pursue with the limited time we have here. We tried, hard, and it lasted long enough. If I'm not useful, I'm not useful, I guess? I don't have any ill will toward Aivi, I loved them as a friend and I know they loved me, too, and were better at showing it than most any friends I ever have had. If I'd been better at reciprocating in ways that were actually useful, that would've been good -- but then maybe we wouldn't have become friends in the first place if I hadn't needed 'saving' in the first place, I don't fuckin' know. And I hope my saying all of these things doesn't make anyone think any less of Aivi because your relationship with them is, very likely, not at all personal like mine is. And you know as well as I do how good they are at what they do. Aivi took the time to ease me out of things. Aivi did NOT suddenly up and vanish for thousands of years. While the dynamics of the situation might bare sharp points of similarity, Aivi is not like Pink Diamond and I'm not like Spinel -- not in the present, anyway. Stories help us because they share THREADS with reality but it's always important to recognize those threads for what they are and not confuse them for ropes. And me ranting and tossing all of this out there is something part of me has wanted to do for months but needed to take the time to grieve and process and accept. And maybe it's selfish to be posting all of this, I don't know. But it helps me accept myself and them a lot more. "Finally something finally news about how the story ends" Aivi likely has brand new friends, better ones than me, and I'm willing to bet some of them worked on this movie. And it turned out pretty good, all things considered, probably in part because Aivi was able to focus on it That person I became friends with, she doesn't exist anymore. Just like how who I used to be when Aivi first me, he doesn't exist anymore, either. We both changed, and grew in opposite directions, I guess. We've found happiness and growth and relief in different ways. In the end the Movie helped me come to terms with all of this in a way Angry Spinel younger me couldn't have still hurts yo

"Isn't that lovely?

Isn't that cool?

Isn't that cruel?

And aren't I a fool

to have happily listened,

happy to stay,

happily watching her drift away"

#Steven Universe The Movie #Spinel #Personal #SU #SU Spinel

13 notes · View notes

metaknight · 5 years ago

Text

thoughts on FFVII remake so far SPOILERS of course through the middle of Wall Market

These are my opinions god please don’t murder me and don’t read if you don’t want to hear about things that I really hated.

The good

There’s some really nice character building (Barret my SON he loves to sing and read stories to Marlene) and some cutscenes that have expanded on the original story in a constructive way. Rly gonna hurt later on when bad shit happens to this good found family.

Combat is OFTEN very fluid, you feel super cool and badass as any of the characters. Boss fights are OFTEN really well designed, especially certain duels (Rude aww yeah loved fighting him). Tifa wrecks shit go go go.

Some good puzzle areas, like the route to Mako Reactor 5 through the plate with all the moving bridges and shit. Loved that, tons of fighting and puzzles to get to good materia. Wall Market is also shaping up to be a cool puzzle area like the original.

The BAD

Too many cutscenes, or sequences where you have to walk slowly while the characters discuss nothing new but instead re-hash their already stated thoughts and feelings, and if you start getting too far ahead the game will put an invisible wall in front of you so that you have to go back and watch your party members WAVE AT A CAT so you can hear them rambling some more. It really does feel like a movie sometimes, in a bad way.

No one is normal in this game. All of the new minor characters or characters whose personalities have been expanded since the original - Roche, Johnny, Madam M, even the single fight sewer bandits - feel more at home in an over-the-top Kingdom Hearts setting than they do in FFVII. I KNOW FFVII has its silly side, I KNOW, but those strange moments in the original made you love the characters, even random npcs, more because it was a relatable silliness. It made the world more diverse. The FFVII remake versions of characters aren’t silly, they’re insane. They’re annoying. There is nothing even slightly relatable or charming about them. Chocobo stable guy is the only guy I’ve met yet who I found charming.

Several segments where the game gives you NO indication what you’re supposed to be doing to move the story forward, so you’re stuck running endless circles trying to find the single action that will get things moving. It worked in a top-down world with fewer details, it does NOT work as well when there’s a hundred people to talk to in a fully fleshed-out slum. Examples - waiting in the bar for ages only to realize you’re supposed to play with the dartboard, waiting for Aerith FOREVER until you overhear the one conversation needed to get her to come out of that damn building.

There are a lot of mini games and puzzles slotted in to pad the game, and some of them are fun, but many are time-wasters - the hand crane puzzles in Aerith’s sewer shortcut, the INFURIATING don’t-wake-up-Aerith game that forces you through load screens when you fuck it up, etc. I’d take extra exploration/battle areas over these games any day. The second Mako reactor mission was an absolute treasure, please keep replicating it, Square.

The normal battles are pretty easy, which is fine cause it’s nice to breeze through them. Boss battles are appropriately challenging, but out of nowhere will come INSANE boss battles that are on a completely different level of challenge, and you’re supposed to be utilizing mechanics that were mentioned maybe once at the beginning of the game (Reno and the Punisher mode counterattack???????). There’s also the issue of dodge vs block - the game doesn’t appropriately explain to you that the dodge doesn’t have i-frames, so it should only be used against certain attacks while guarding is used for everything else. I was trying to play it like Bloodborne until I looked it up on reddit. Your main character is also very easily interrupted, even during their special abilities, spells and item usage, which not only wastes MP or an item, but also removes your full ATB gauge, forcing you to start up the hack-and-slash routine again. It’s a weird hybrid between turn-based and action-oriented that makes it VERY hard to adjust to sudden difficulty spikes.

The graphics are fine. I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about low res backgrounds/textures and our main characters being hyper detailed while all the NPCs are flat. It’s not that noticeable, and it’s to be expected for this gen of consoles. Love kicking those construction signs and tables around, reminds me of Soulsborne games.

THE SUMMARY (so far, I’m still only in Wall Market)

This is not the faithful remake that many of us were hoping for, and it does suffer from modern Square-Enix BULLSHIT and BLOAT, which should not have been surprising.

The battle system REALLY works when it DOES work, it can be cool and fluid, but is often an exercise in frustration. Action games need a lot of polished mechanics to work, which isn’t exactly happening here.

The story is pretty overbearing. I don’t mind the linearity because yes, the Midgar section of the original is almost completely linear too. But the constant cutscening, walking segments and reiteration of already stated facts and feelings really drags the game down. While our main cast has become even more lovable, a lot of new and old characters are written in a way that makes me cringe.

Bottom-line: If you’re willing to sit through a lot of cutscenes, the battle sections are fun as hell even with their numerous issues. 7/10 will probably not play again, but still looking forward to its sequel.

1 note · View note

taww · 6 years ago

Text

Review: PS Audio DirectStream Junior DAC

PS Audio DirectStream Junior DAC

The Audiophile Weekend Warrior (TAWW)

TAWW Rating: 4.5 / 5

Hugely resolving, relentlessly musical, highly versatile, sanely priced - my new reference.

PROS: Detail and naturalness in perfect harmony; highly upgradeable; versatile input and streaming options; nice looks and solid (American!) build.

CONS: Could be a tad cleaner and richer; some streaming and operational glitches; limited to DSD64/128; better suited to the technlogically-inclined.

If you're looking for a mega-review of this DAC, you've come to the right place. It's been a journey with the DirectStream Junior (DSJ for short). I received the review unit last summer, and first impressions were strong. Then some sonic gremlins reared their heads, and I was advised to hold for a software update, called Redcloud. That landed last December, and it’s been smooth sailing ever since - so much so, that the thought has never crossed my mind to use anything else. After several months of life with the DSJ, I can not only give it my wholehearted recommendation, I can also proclaim it my new reference DAC.

Highlights and Caveats

Some distinguishing features:

FPGA-based architecture (same as in the DirectStream) means it’s infinitely reprogrammable via software updates. This is a pretty big deal - see my Redcloud software notes for proof.

All input signals converted to 20x DSD, final conversion via differential bitstream (PWM)

Digital domain volume control (all input data preserved)

RCA and XLR (true balanced) analog outputs

Phase inversion and -20db attenuator

6 digital inputs (USB, coaxial, optical, AES-EBU, I2S, Ethernet) with automatic switching

Built-in Bridge II network interface (Ethernet)

MQA, Tidal Masters, Spotify, Qobuz, VTuner and Roon ready

Remote control

Designed and manufactured in Boulder, Colorado USA

Some caveats:

No Airplay support

Network streaming limited to 1x DSD (DSD64) and 24/192

No 4x DSD (DSD256)

MQA rendering only - requires initial decode (unfolding) in software (e.g. via Roon) Correction! The DSJ does indeed do full MQA unfold and render - no special software required.

Most of those buttons are for other things

Basically, if you want to play VERY high resolution formats (24/352 or 2x DSD), you’ll need to use a player connected via USB or I2S. And if want to natively decode DSD256 (4x), you’re out of luck - you’ll need to downsample it to 2x DSD. Given the relative paucity of such material, I don’t know how big a deal this is. And thankfully, MQA appears to be fully supported, if that's your thing...

DirectStream Junior vs. "Senior"

The DSJ retails for $4k, while the original DirectStream (I'll call it the "DS Sr." though that's not an official name) retails for $6k and the Bridge II network card is another $900. I consider the network interface to be an essential part of the DirectStream's utility and appeal (and it also sounds very, very good), so this basically makes the DSJ nearly $3k cheaper than the DS Sr.

So what are the key differences?

The analog output stage of the DS Sr. is passively-filtered via transformer coupling, while the DSJ uses high speed video op amps.

The DS Sr. has a larger power supply, 4x the circuitry around the output stage to reduce output noise by 6dB vs. the DSJ. The DSJ also uses less expensive parts in some locations.

As previously mentioned, the DSJ has a Bridge 2 network interface built in, a $900 option on the DS Sr.

The DS Sr. has an additional digital input (I2S) and uses an SD card slot (vs. USB port) for software upgrades. This just means you use a SD card on the Sr. and a USB memory stick on the Jr.

The DSJ has simpler casework and no touchscreen, but includes a control knob for volume and menu functions.

Some have said the DSJ has roughly 80% of the sound quality of the DS Sr. at a 42% discount. I haven't auditioned the Sr. in my system, so I can't comment on that... yet. I'm looking into getting one now, so stay tuned for that!

Setup & Tweaks

I used the DSJ 99% of the time via its Bridge II network input streaming a variety of 16/44, hi-res and lossy sources via Roon. The Roon implementation is fantastic - it's a fully certified device, and you get access to the input format capabilities and volume control settings in the Roon software. I also tried the standard S/PDIF inputs (with an Onkyo CD player and a Raspberry Pi with HiFiBerry Digi+ Pro board) and found them less sensitive to source quality than I’m accustomed to from typical DACs. No, it’s not “immune” to jitter - you can still hear the difference between transports and cables. But the differences are smaller than on, say, my Monarchy NM24 ladder DAC.

I only briefly played with the USB input, mostly to try 2x DSD material, and found it to also sound good. I used a MacBook Pro with DH Labs’s excellent Mirage USB cable ($200) and while it was subtly different than the Bridge II input playing the same material via Roon, I didn’t have a strong preference for one or the other. Overall the engineering seems uniformly solid and I didn’t find any obvious weak links with any of the input methods, a huge relief if you dread endless tweaking with digital cables and sources like I do. I’m not saying there isn’t some last degree of refinement to eke out but it’s probably not worth fussing over given that you can just plug and play and enjoy.

No shortage of inputs

One of my favorite features was the automatic input switching, which switches to whichever input has a signal. It worked flawlessly, and made quick A-B comparisons between sources a cinch. For instance, I could compare Roon playback via Bridge II streaming vs. a USB connection by simply alternating playback between the two in the Roon Remote app, and the DSJ took care of the rest. It also made it easy to hook up an AirPlay device and automatically play it whenever you stream to it. Very nifty.

Most listening was done using the balanced XLR outputs feeding my fully-balanced Ayre AX-7e integrated amp. I believe the unbalanced output is also derived from the differential signal (I saw a pair of instrumentation amps in the circuit, ostensibly to sum the balanced signal), and thus benefits from the differential DAC architecture. I detected no sonic compromises with XLR vs. RCA, it sounding just as good into single-ended gear like the Monarchy NM24 tube line stage or Bryston BP17 Cubed preamp. I've seen some very expensive gear that doesn't implement balanced circuits properly at all, but PS Audio gets an A+ for implementation here. I didn’t find the DSJ particularly sensitive to the type interconnect used; I settled on the Audience Au24 SX XLRs (review here), but also had good results with the much more affordable DH Labs Air Matrix.

While the built-in volume control makes forgoing a preamp possible, in practice it doesn't work well feeding an amplifier directly. The digital attenuation doesn't drop any bits - designer Ted Smith says it's computed by multiplying a 30-bit input signal by a 20-bit volume setting, and maintaining all 50 bits internally - but it's still done in the digital domain, which means the signal-to-noise ratio of the conversion process and analog stage degrades at lower volumes. When feeding the Bryston 4B Cubed amp, there was noticeable hiss even on the amp’s low gain (23dB) setting with relatively efficient speakers. This can be mitigated by using the DSJ's switchable 20dB attenuator, but I found it killed the life of the sound. Also the volume control software implementation is very jumpy and not particularly responsive to either fine or rapid adjustment. (PS Audio acknowledged this was due to some less-than-great control programming done by an earlier developer, and they're hoping to improve this in future releases.) In summary, leave the DSJ volume set to 100 with the attenuator disabled, and use a proper preamp or integrated amp for best results.

Somewhat unusual for a DAC, the DSJ runs hot. The chassis is fully sealed (I'm guessing this is likely for EMI/RFI compliance reasons as there's some serious computing going on inside). The top panel is a glossy black acrylic which looks very nice and helps dampen resonance - rapping it gives a dull thud vs. the metallic ding of most component tops - but it's also an insulator. This means anything metal gets pretty toasty, e.g. the RCA jacks. I do worry a bit about how this might affect component life... but Ted Smith says everything runs well within part ratings, and taking a peek under hood reveals lots of computer-grade, surface-mount parts that are designed for such operating conditions. Just give the DSJ plenty of ventilation - sealed cabinets are out.

ERS cloth helps clean things up that nth degree #crazyaudiophilestuff

There were two easy tweaks that I found helped tune the sound of the unit. The first was Cardas Myrtlewood blocks as footers. These gave the DSJ subtly tighter focus, more realistic tone and greater clarity vs. the stock rubber feet as well as other elastomer (Sorbothane) feet I tried. There was a very slight tradeoff in lower midrange body which may not be to everyone's tastes, but I found the tighter, slightly leaner sound of the Myrtlewood to be less wooly and more accurate, particularly with cello and baritone voice. The other tweak was ERS cloth, which you can buy from places like Music Direct. The late Bobby Palkovic introduced me to the material many moons ago, which allegedly blocks, absorbs and diffuses RFI energy, and I've always had a few pieces lying around my gear. People's reaction to the stuff range from hyperbolic ("it's miraculous!") to outraged ("total horse$%#!"). Call me crazy, but two small pieces (2" x 3", because that just what I have on hand) on top just above the analog circuits (near the RCA/XLR jacks) buffed out a tiny trace of hash and glare. It's subtle but takes the DSJ one step forward in naturalness and clarity. It's cheap enough to try, and I honestly wouldn't go back to using the DSJ without it.

By the way, this thing takes FOREVER to break in. I mean seriously, 500 hours in I still wasn’t sure the sound had settled down. Out of the box, it’ll sound a bit tizzy and lacking depth and focus. That will burn off fairly quickly, but it will take more hours for the tone and dynamics to fully develop and all the wonderful nuances in the music to blossom. I’d say give it a good month of continuous use - I logged nearly 1000 hours of playing time before I stopped worrying about it.

And then there's the choice of power cord...

Power cords galore

I found the DSJ to be fairly sensitive to the choice of power cord. For the vast majority of the audition, I used Audience's excellent powerChord SEi (USD $915/6 ft., review coming soon), and my comments largely reflect the sound with it. Towards the end, I swapped in a few other things:

Generic 14-3 cord: heavier than the usual 18-3 you see on most electronics but otherwise nothing special. (I don't think this is the one supplied by PS Audio, but looks pretty similar.) I was surprised that this cord made the DSJ sound a lot louder than the Audience - at matched levels, it sounded a good 1-2dB louder, no joke. The bass was stronger but muddier, with left hand licks on the piano lacking articulation. The soundstage also collapsed, making some recordings sound almost monaural - I actually checked that something hadn't gone haywire with my setup. The difference was pretty shocking, and while this cord didn't sound bad per se (some might even prefer it for e.g. rock music, which sounded harder hitting), it doesn't unlock the DSJ's full resolution potential. Overall I'd call it livable but non-optimal.

Pangea AC 14SE Mk II (USD $80/2m): I haven't been very fond of the Pangea in prior applications. With the DSJ, it was actually pretty good - like the stock cord, it sounded louder than the Audience, but restored much of the soundstage width missing with the stock cord. It's dynamic but a bit in your face, with some grain in the midrange and glare in the upper frequencies - I found violins a bit hard on the ears. Overall a decent budget option with the DSJ, particularly if you like a brasher, more energetic sound. Though not nearly as polished or harmonically complete as the Audience, electronic music drove a little harder.

Cardas Golden Reference (discontinued, around $500 back in the day): Frankly, I have never had good luck with this cord. In every application I've tried, it's sounded nondescript at best, constricted and veiled at worst. On the DSJ it gave a better showing, but had neither the energy of the less expensive cords nor the resolution and openness of the Audience. Its midrange and upper frequencies were closer to the Audience in smoothness, but it also tended to round the sharpness of transients - piano chords, snare drums and other percussion instruments sounded subtly muffled.

In summary, I think the stock cord is a reasonable place to start, but you can definitely get more out of the DSJ with something better. If you can afford the Audience, it brings out the most refinement of anything I've tried, but there are options with more slam. For under $100 the Pangea is a decent option, and Signal Cable makes a very nice affordable cable that by all accounts is a solid performer. I also have the new Audience Forté ($280) and an affordable model from DH Labs in house, as well as a very interesting DIY cable recommended by Marty DeWulf that is knocking my socks off... more on those in future installments.

Operational Kinks

The DirectStream Junior is a svelte, feature-rich package, and overall a pleasure to use. Over the course of several months use though, a few gremlins did rear their heads.

The software upgrade process can be hit or miss. In theory, all you need to do is download the files from PS Audio, unzip them, copy them to a USB flash drive, plug it into the USB port of the DSJ and start it up. However I have never been able to consistently upgrade the software EXCEPT by force-downgrading to a special older version (Yale with a different bootloader, available here), then repeating the upgrade with the desired newer software. Not all DSJs have this problem, but I've always needed the workaround.

Fully upgradeable software, but not without hiccups

The software can also become corrupted, a problem you won't have with a traditional hardware-based DAC. I have once had the unit become glitchy and not sound so good after losing power to the unit, e.g. by pulling the AC cord. This required me to repeat the software downgrade-upgrade process. Since then it's been more stable, but weird things can happen on power cycles, e.g. attenuator settings being toggled. It's important to follow PS Audio's recommendation of using the power switch on the back to power down the unit before unplugging it.

There are some pops and clicks when switching between PCM and DSD material. They're moderate in volume and Redcloud is much better in this respect than Huron, but it's still audible. More problematic is that DSD streamed via the Bridge II network interface will also suffer from intermittent pops. This is apparently a software issue with the Bridge itself that PS Audio is asking their vendor to fix - fortunately that's also easily upgradable, but there's no ETA yet on a patch. In the meantime, I haven't found the noise so distracting as to make it unplayable - it's almost like hearing a little surface noise on an LP - and the USB interface doesn't suffer from this problem. PCM signals including 24/192, are all fine.

It's important to remember the DSJ is a piece of sophisticated computer equipment running software. It's not hardcoded like a traditional electronics, and its flexibility does require a bit more technological savvy from the user. If you're computer-phobic, there may be a learning curve to maintain and get the best from the DSJ.

Okay, so how does it sound??

In short, if I were stuck on an island with one DAC, I could very happily live out my days with the DirectStream Junior. It's that good and that satisfying. Once it’s running Redcloud, fully broken in and dialed in with them aforementioned tweaks, the DSJ sings like no other DAC I’ve used.

All my notes refer to the DSJ with the latest Redcloud software. You can find my earlier impressions here:

It’s here! The PS Audio DirectStream Junior DAC

PS Audio Redcloud OS for DirectStream Junior DAC

For comparison, my previous reference is a Monarchy NM24 tube DAC with upgraded output caps and I/V resistors and solid state output stage disconnected. It’s based on the venerable Burr-Brown PCM1704K 24-bit ladder DAC, and while I wouldn’t call it state-of-the-art, it’s still one of the more musical DACs around and has easily outperformed units many times its cost.

Coming from the Monarchy, the first thing I noticed was the striking level of detail. It brings out all kinds of subtleties in a performance - the tap of a pianist’s fingernails on the keys, the bow changes on a violin, the resonance of a cello, the breaths of an oboist in a symphony orchestra, the variations in a soprano's vibrato layered perfectly into the presentation. This resolution is coupled to an ease of delivery that’s uncannily natural - there’s no artificial brightness, no in-your-face forwardness, no technicolor hyping of detail going on here. It's totally unforced, addictive and engrossing. This is what high-end audio is about!

The resolving power of the DSJ extends from top to bottom. In the highest reaches of the treble, percussion like cymbals and triangles sound highly realistic. Just put on Dvorak's Slavonic Dance Op. 46 No. 3 (Szell/Cleveland Orchestra/Sony DSD) and hear how perfectly the triangle shimmers and floats above the orchestra, its ring carrying on and on like you'd hear in the concert hall. In the lower midrange, instruments like cello and piano have layers of tonal color and texture that lend a lifelike presence. With timpani, you can clearly hear the body, skin and pitch of the instrument, not just a dull thud.

This detail also contributes to insanely palpable imaging. Every instrument on the stage has clear size, shape, and space around it, and you get a real sense of distinct sources of acoustic energy on the stage, each one exciting the surrounding air in its unique way - violin sections glowing across a swath of stage, oboes singing sweetly in center, bassoons honking away behind them, a horn melody blooming in the back. I've never been able to pick out and feel all the instruments in a symphony orchestra so tangibly like this.

Okay, just two more aspects of the resolution before I move on: firstly, it starkly reveals differences in recording techniques, technologies and qualities. Recordings truly sound distinct from one another, much more so than with other DACs, and you can hear all the idiosyncrasies of analog vs. digital, PCM vs. DSD, hall vs. studio, mic placement, etc. Secondly, this resolution is more than sufficient to challenge the capabilities of very high end systems. I found with every tweak to my systems, I uncovered more and more of the DSJ's capabilities, while otherwise excellent gear like the Bryston BP17 + 4B cubed combo masked its full performance envelope slightly.

The other remarkable thing is how consistently excellent sources sound regardless of resolution. Yes, DSD material followed by 24/192 or 24/96 generally sound best - just listen to a stunningly realistic modern album like Julia Fischer and Martin Helmchen performing Schubert works for violin and piano (Pentatone DSD), or a colorful remastered classic like Piatigorsky performing Walton Cello Concerto (RCA Living Stereo DSD) and you’ll be giddy with the sheer vividness of presentation. But things don’t drop off a cliff when you fall back to menial 16/44; on the contrary, this is some of the finest Redbook reproduction I’ve heard, with all the same loveliness of tone and fluidity of presentation as hi-res, just with a hair less resolution and palpability. Case in point, my wife was listening to a recording of Hindemith's Der Schwanendreher (Tidal 16/44) that sounded nearly as smooth and lush as any SACD I've heard - and much to my surprise, it was a DDD recording from 1989, an era I usually find pretty icky. And "sorta hi-res" 24/48 tracks got me pretty excited, e.g. Alisa Weilerstein's performance of the Elgar Cello Concerto (Decca/HDTracks) was rich, gripping and engaging. Heck, even MP3s sound pretty good - I once got sucked into the beauty of Maria Callas singing a Puccini aria, only to realize afterwards that it was a 160kbps MP3 from my iTunes library. The DSJ destroys the notion that higher fidelity has to come at the cost of intolerance to recording quality.

Tonally, I found the DSJ to be very even. The only thing I might watch out for is that the treble is so extended and open that it may strike some as a hair bright, but I found it natural and realistic in my system. The midrange has just a smidge of warmth to it, less so than the tubed Monarchy but with a pleasing roundness and harmonic completeness - you get a sense of body to instruments and voices that’s highly suggestive of the real thing. Where the Monarchy pulls ahead a bit is in the richness of the lower midrange and upper bass - it has more overt weight and boldness that gives everything more juiciness and presence. Going down low, I'd also call the DSJ's bass pretty neutral, with great pitch and appropriate weight to give the music a solid foundation, but perhaps lacking the subterranean thunder of the best I've heard (some of the old MSB multi-bit DACs come to mind). Perhaps this is an area where the beefier power supply of the DS Sr. could yield improvement.

What’s the catch?

The DSJ isn't the quietest and cleanest DAC I’ve ever heard - as noted, the noise floor is a little high, and there's sometimes a tiny trace of fuzz layered over the midrange that diffuses tones slightly. It can't match the eery quiet and purity of the Chord DAVE (granted at a price of $10k), and the multi-bit and tubed Monarchy has a more grainless density to instruments like the violin. While the Redcloud update fixed the most egregious noise problems, I think the upgrade to the full DirectStream, with a substantial 6dB reduction of noise floor, would be worthwhile for very high-resolution systems - I'm talking stuff in Pass/Ayre/Magico territory. The Chord DAVE also strikes me as having a superior analog output stage, as evidenced by its deeper, more tuneful bass, richer dynamics and overall purity - all expected for more than double the money. None of these shortcomings detracted from my enjoyment of the music, but listen closely enough against first-class competition and you'll find some areas for that last 10% of improvement.

I've heard some people say the bitstream conversion of the DSJ gives it softer, rounder transients compared to very resolving multi-bit DACs. I think this is a fair assessment, but I didn't find this to be an issue for me - in fact, I thought dynamics were excellent on the DSJ. It had plenty of bite when called for, presenting clean leading edges without harshness or overshoot. More importantly, subtle dynamic shadings - swells in a voice, variations in bow pressure, interplays between instruments - were wonderfully expressive. The Monarchy DAC sounded a bit flat and lacking color in comparison.

That said, I do feel that good multi-bit DACs have a suddenness, directness and dynamic linearity to them that differs from the bitstream DSJ’s portrayal. If I had to generalize, I’d say the DSJ is better suited to ears that prefer a more relaxed presentation, and/or a system that leans towards the incisive side to compensate. It won’t give you the larger-than-life boldness of a NOS tube DAC, nor the bracing presence of some of the Sabre-based units. It was a great match for the speed and alacrity of the Ayre integrated; with the darker, more subdued Bryston combo, I could have used more verve. Whether this works for you is probably more a matter of personal preference and system matching than absolute correctness; for me, the virtues of the DSJ’s natural, musically consonant presentation outweighed any tradeoffs.

Verdict

Back when I was in music school, I remember hanging out in our concert hall's recording studio while my friends were performing, and being struck by how much more vivid the live mic feed sounded than the recorded version (either on analog cassette or DAT). The DSJ is still bound by the limitations of recording technology, but it gives me more of that live feed feel than anything I've experienced in my living room. It doesn't have the distinct colorations of an LP, nor can I say it sounds like reel-to-reel tape (I don't have that at my disposal), but it removes so much of the digital glaze and glare we've grown accustomed to that it feels distinctly analog-like in nature. It has soul, it has tone and tunefulness, and you can listen to it for hours on end with myriad recordings and suffer no fatigue whatsoever.

No, I haven't heard a ton of the fashionable DACs out there like the TOTALDAC, Merging, Schiit Yggdrasil, Mytec, etc. etc. However I've spent some quality time with highly-regarded models from Aurender, Ayre, Chord and dcs, and I can't say they've offered me musical satisfaction that the PS Audio can't match or exceed. And the price of the DSJ, while expensive at $4k, is a bargain for the sound quality, feature content and build quality. PS Audio has a very liberal trade-in policy that can knock up to $1k off that price too.

Ultimately it's not all the audiophile mumbo jumbo that makes the DSJ special. It's how fluidly, vividly and convincingly it carries a tune and draws you into the performance, the way it captures the range of tonal colors, the beauty of voices and instruments, the energy and life in the recorded event. It's a cliché, but it took my system and musical enjoyment to new heights. It's my new reference, and not leaving my system anytime soon... at least not until the big brother DirectStream arrives. Enthusiastically recommended.

PS Audio DirectStream Junior DAC USD $3,999

PS Audio 4826 Sterling Drive Boulder, Colorado 80301

#review #digital #dac #ps audio #directstream

1 note · View note

douchebagbrainwaves · 4 years ago

Text

THE OTHER HALF OF N THINGS

It didn't matter what type. Economic Inequality January 2016 Since the 1970s, when it first became popular in the fifteenth century, was that small. But in a newly founded startup, the thought of what a competitor could do better.1 White. Conveniently, as I explain later. Those are interesting questions. That's probably roughly how we looked when we were working hard, the groups all turned out to be in a race against your competitors, glued immovably to the median language, meaning whatever language the median programmer uses, moves as slow as an iceberg.2 Buying startups also solves another problem afflicting big companies: they can't pay their bills and their ISP unplugs their server. If you want to optimize is your chance of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.3

Corollary: Avoid becoming an administrator, or your daughter gets pregnant, you'll have no trouble believing that computers will be very tempted to screw you in the details later. Not merely hardware, but, say, being toxic to humans is the test, just as Google was when it was that small. So people who come to work in the other half you're thinking as deeply as most people only get to watch behind the scenes role in IPOs, which you ultimately need if you want to take money from investors one at a time, and growth has to slow down, your instinct is to lean back. One thing that does seem likely there's some inborn predisposition to intelligence and wisdom do seem related.4 I smelled a major rat. Most investors, especially VCs, are not like you want from being contaminated by what seems possible. When we started Artix, I was rarely bored. It is for all ambitious adults. Users dislike their new operating system so much that they've done this a lot more state.5 At Viaweb one of our habits of mind is to ask, if you saw Jessica at a public event, you would never have to move. I can answer that.

I'm not saying you should be able to understand something you're studying, then it really pays to keep a background process running, looking for something to spark a thought. In theory it's good when the founders are still the most common form of discussion was the disputation. Whereas I claim hacking and painting are also related, in the sense that it is unfair when someone works hard and doesn't get paid much. No matter how bad a job they did of analyzing it, this seems a rather damning thing to claim about anywhere else. Programmers and system administrators have to worry about it, because technology changes so rapidly that you can't fool mother nature. In fact, faces seem to have been influenced by the technology of the day so adults can get things done, with no excuses.6 Investors are often compared to sheep.7

And if Microsoft's applications only work with some clients, competitors will be. ___ How much would it cost to grow a user base. What have other people learned about design? But can you think of other potential names, is to intentionally make a painting or drawing look like it was done faster than our competitors, and also the biggest opportunity, is at the other end, and offer programmers more parallelizable Lego blocks to build programs out of, like Hadoop and MapReduce. But if you just follow your own inclinations.8 Promising new startups are often involved in disreputable things.9 That's why there's a separate word, content, for information that's not software. To be fair, Perl also retains this distinction, but deals with it in typical Perl fashion by letting you omit returns.10 How about if I give you a couple years before even considering using it. Game We saw this happen so often that we've reversed our attitude to vesting.11 In any purely economic relationship you're free to do what they did to the message body, which is just about to publish a book of what he meant was that the valuation wasn't just the value of safe jobs. Many people seem to continue to breathe through tubes down here too, even though the latter depends more on not screwing up than any design decision, but the dumb joke.

But being lucky is the critical ingredient. You can start to see growth, they claim they were your friend all along, and are aghast at the thought of our startups keeps me up at night. Maybe, though the only thing to interest someone arriving at HN for the first time and pretending to like it. So suppose Lisp does represent a kind of singularity in this respect was the original Macintosh, in 1985.12 Actually, I've noticed this too.13 After Mr. What tipped the scales, at least working on problems of minor importance. This will take some effort to teach you that.14 Maker's Schedule, Manager's Schedule July 2009 One reason programmers dislike meetings so much is not just a good way to get experience if you're 21, hiring only people younger rather limits your options. Viaweb ended up crushing all its competitors. A good example is the airline fare search program that ITA Software licenses to Orbitz.

And why is it hard to make their mark on the world. It's like seeing the other interpretation of an ambiguous picture. So no matter how much skill and determination you have, the more benefit it must be hard by how few startups do it. Only a handful actually do, but what investors are thinking. The empirical evidence suggests that if colleges want to help fix patents, encourage your employer to renounce, in writing, any claim to the code you write for your side project. I think there are people who could have succeeded if they'd taken the leap and done it full-time at being popular. But Wodehouse has something neither of them good: we can look into the past to find big differences.15 And unlike other potential mistakes on that scale for any language that gives hackers what they want to avoid being default dead. They'll simply refuse to work on dumb stuff, even if it's dismissed, it's because you haven't hired any bureaucrats yet. For example, willfulness clearly has two subcomponents, stubbornness and energy.

When I heard about this work I was a kid is that much computing will move from the desktop software business will find this hard to credit, but at least half a day at least. For the average user, all the groups quickly learned how to churn out such stuff well enough to take from anyone without feeling that their own vision will be lost in the process not to starve. Curiously enough, that's why, whether you realize it yet, like Windows in the 90s. That's just a theory.16 The answer, I realized it wasn't luck. Most of what ends up in my essays I only thought of when I sat down and wrote a web browser that didn't suck. This has traditionally been a problem in venture funding.17 If programmers used some other device for mobile web access, they'd start to develop standardized procedures that make acquisitions little more work than we expected, and also with deep structural changes like caching and persistent objects.18 Symbols are effectively pointers to strings stored in a hash table.

Notes

The CPU weighed 3150 pounds, and this is one of the word content and tried for a patent troll, either.

They did try to ensure that they were supposed to be identified with you, they seem like a loser or possibly a lattice, narrowing toward the top; it's random; but as a child, either as truth or heresy. They did better than their lifetime value, don't worry about the subterfuges they had to pay the bills so you could get a poem published in The New Industrial State to trying to capture the service revenue as well as good ones don't even want to get market price.

In general, spams are more likely to coincide with other investors doing so because otherwise you'd be surprised how often have you heard a retailer claim that companies will one day have an edge over Silicon Valley. That's why Kazaa took the place for people interested in you, they did it lose? Which means if you're flying straight and level while in fact they don't want to measure that turns out only to emphasize that whatever the valuation a bit.

Which is fundraising. Programming in Common Lisp for, believe it or not. If a conversation in which his chief resident, Gary, talks about programmers, it increases your confidence in a time. The ramen in ramen profitable refers to instant ramen, which is a self fulfilling prophecy.

See particularly the mail by Anton van Straaten on semantic compression. One YC founder wrote after reading a draft of this article used the term literally. A lot of people are these days. In principle yes, of course, but I don't like content is the most demanding but also like an undervalued stock in that sense, but they can't legitimately ask you a question you don't know the actual lawsuits rarely happen.

One of the world barely affects me. One measure of that investment; in biotech things are different. It would be more precise, and when given the Earldom of Rutland.

There are aspects of the next downtick it will seem like noise. I do, I'll have people nagging me for features. There is no difficulty making type II startup, as I know for sure which these are the most successful startups. Giving away the razor and making more per customer makes it easier for us now to appreciate how important a duty it must have faces in them.

This flattering distinction seems so natural to expand into new markets. I'm not saying you should be your compass. I think you should prevent your investors from helping you to agree. What you learn in college.

But the money. At three months we can't figure out what the editors will have to do that. Maybe it would take forever to raise more money. Steven Hauser.

That's the difference between us and the fucking fleas. Rice and beans are a hundred years ago it would have become good friends. They bear no blame for opinions not expressed in it. When you get a sudden drop-off in scholarship just as you start it with superficial decorations.

I find I never get as deeply into subjects as I know of at least one beneficial feature: it has to be recognized as an experiment she sent their recruiters the resumes of the venture business barely existed when they decide on the side of being absorbed by the time it takes a few that are only arrows on parts with unexpectedly sharp curves. 25. 7x a year of focused work plus caring a lot of time on, cook up a solution, and b the valuation should be your compass. If you're doing is almost always bullshit.

We fixed both problems immediately. And I've never heard of many startups from Philadelphia.

If you invest in your startup with a toothbrush. Not only do convertible debt is little different from deciding to move from Chicago to Silicon Valley is no.

If Ron Conway, for example, the 2005 summer founders, like a ragged comb. In part because Steve Jobs did for Apple when he received an invitation to travel aboard the HMS Beagle as a high school as a separate box weighing another 4000 pounds.

Later you can imagine what it would destroy them.

Bill Yerazunis. 5% of Apple now January 2016 would be too conspicuous.

When governments decide how to do it in action, go ahead.

And that is a fine sentence, but for the firm in the narrowest sense.

Thanks to Shel Kaphan, Joe Gebbia, and Emmett Shear for putting up with me.

0 notes

purkinje-effect · 5 years ago

Text

The Anatomy of Melancholy, 56

Table of Contents. Second Instar, Chapter 23. Go to previous. Go to next. TW: Abuse loop narratives, drug culture talk, sensual-ish. Revised 2020.04.04 because I am a fool and an idiot and forgot I already wrote this chapter, so I fused both versions together. Swapping your love for hate.

_____________

"You were right.”

The pathetic words fell from ‘Choly before he could even process it as an admission. He whimpered, at last mustering the determination to turn onto his side and curl against Sticks, and would have shut his eyes if he didn’t enjoy mentally tracing every feature of Sticks’s physiology and attempting to approximate them with his memory of what the ghoul had looked like before. He couldn’t make sense of whether it felt like centuries or months since they’d lived together; at once, they equally made sense and didn’t. His weak lips grazed at Sticks’s scarred neck, and his face found itself in the crook of his shoulder. The ghoul was staring off into the gambrel trusses above them, but murmured. He explained,

"That it was a mistake to let me lay here. Like this.”

He climbed atop Sticks, and Sticks let him. He nipped at the ghoul’s lower lip a moment before kissing him. He disguised his conflicted, deep exhaustion by laying down on Sticks’s chest with a smile. Sticks wrapped an arm around him.

How am I going to get through this day without any chems? He could invoice each individual muscle in his body by the magnitudes of his aching. The dose came to mind, of the designer chem Olivia had given him the day before. Had it even been just yesterday? The day felt like a week, or a month, already, and they weren’t even yet to Voire. He couldn’t recall where the X-Cell-Squared had ended up in the shuffle to get off base. I don’t know how long it’d last, anyway, or even how well it’d help.

“Do I need to dress you myself?”

“I’d rather you und--” He bit down the words before he said anything further. I’d wonder what got into me, but he’s under me. “Sticks.” His heart stuttered as he felt himself grow even heavier. “If this was you on Magnetizer, and Magnetizer didn’t exist... before, what was your excuse when you gave me the chin scar?”

A choke knotted from the ghoul’s larynx to his exposed turbinates. He petted disarmingly at the chemist’s dark, disheveled head.

“Though never a habit, I’ve admitted to falling back on Day Tripper on occasion. They’re related. I don’t remember if I took any the day I... ah. Supposing I could blame the chems if I really wanted... Look, I don’t mind that we fooled around. Gave me time to work out the Magnetizer before we get to Voire. It was... nice, besides. Thank you.”

Self-consciousness gripped ‘Choly tighter as time passed, and at first he believed the compulsion to cover himself accounted for by a simple creeping chill. He couldn’t get why Sticks wouldn’t want the upper hand in negotiating with and managing the Furriers, if the chem would have further informed his influence. Were all the details of this Unfolding really all already hashed out?

“Is it... still you on Magnetizer?”

“Probably why I can’t shove you off me yet,” Sticks chuffed. He flopped his head for emphasis, finding the incumbent admission difficult. “I... think it would help me. A lot. If we did this again. Maybe, if you show me what you like about ferals, I might be able to unpack how the inevitability of it makes me feel. Perspective. Been forever since I ripped open old wounds like this. Really makes me feel alive. Maybe it’ll finally... heal right this time.”

‘Choly nodded faintly, all he could think to do. He hated that he couldn’t piece together Sticks’s motive, but he hated more that he even found himself trying to. If he didn’t trust him, why had he laid with him twice in one day? The ghoul’s head sounded more a mess than his own, though, and he willed the periphrastic toward something more direct by skirting the hedge himself.

“If Magnetizer and Daytripper are used for the same thing. Magnetizer being the league of difference between morphine and cyclo-morphine. Then, why didn’t you... ask the genie for a wish, when you had the chance? Standing right there, in front of General Francis?”

Sticks let out a lyrical snort.

“The General never extends opportunities like that without covering her ass. The side effects of the chem were her security. Helen could’a struck me dead right there for perceived insubordination.” Sticks gesticulated with his left wrist as he spoke, seemingly more to the room than to anyone in particular. “Let’s continue your fantasy analogy. I’m sure it’s like there’s ancient treasures, protected by a puzzle. There’s any number of ways to get to the treasure, but a million more lethal missteps trying to extract it, let alone escape with it.”

‘Choly’s chest tightened.

“So you do want something from the base, then.”

“Anybody who knows what that place is wants something from it.”

“What is it you want so badly?”

It took some time for the ghoul to form the answer, and he chewed at his cracked mouth all the while.

“Connecting people to their vices is and always has been my addiction. Never been able to kick the habit, ‘cause I never felt the pros outweigh the cons.” He paused a moment in hilarity of his own nonsense pun. As he articulated what came next, his energy and enthusiasm gradually managed to draw him--and ‘Choly--upright in bed. “Before you came along, I would’ve asked for payment in as many crates of rare chems as I could tote off. That was our standard exchange for my services. But things are different now. I know a guy who can interpret and even use chem formulas. One I’ve got history with. You could... cook stuff up for me. For us. You know what they say about teaching a man to fish. I’d never have to deal with Deenwood, or the General, ever again. Neither of us.”

Before the thought could even come to ‘Choly, Sticks stiffened in place to throw up his arms.

“You wouldn’t even have to touch Psycho. Nothing you don’t want to. Only the good junk. The safe junk. General’s gotta have formulas for just about everything under the sun. If we work together, you could cook up whatever you want. Most chems are a finite resource these days, without chemists alive to, well, chemist them. All anybody’s had was ancient junk, or the easy junk like Jet. You could change all that. We could.”

‘Choly stared dully into the crumbling ceiling. There was no such thing as a truly safe chem. That’s where Angel was right. And yet,

“She... did say she’s got the precursor formula for Day Tripper... I wonder if she’d have the formula for Daddy-O...”

“And don’t forget the formulas and research for anything Deenwood hashed out, too! No DIA left to argue with us for... sharing notes with the Gen, hmm?”

What exactly is he getting out of supplying me with all this? The chemist’s face slacked, struggling to follow. His eyes shut as he came to the understanding that his Lexington arrangement fell through because he’d tried to broker and cook. Things wouldn’t have soured so badly if I’d only had Jacob handling the business end of things. I’m an artisan, not a businessman.

“I’m going to lay this out simply.” ‘Choly cleared his throat. “You need stock that customers can’t get from anyone else. You need to be their exclusive dealer. But Olivia only gives you the chems, not the means to manufacture them. What she gives you, and what you can steal from her, is a finite resource. She’s got you in a position that you have to rely on her, in order to have people rely on you. And even if you do obtain any of Deenwood’s pharmacological data, you wouldn’t have someone to decipher it, let alone engineer it.”

Sticks grabbed him by the shoulders and did his best not to shake him, almost to beg him yes, yes, yES, the intensity of his glare emphatic on its own.

“Oh, thank God, we’re on the same page. I’d do anything in the world for you, if you’d be my partner in crime again, Mindy. We were perfect together back in the day. You remember that much, right? It’s so much easier these days. No rations. No bans. No government regulation. Just imagine, if we opened up shop.”

Despite the vulnerability, he trusted Sticks’s memory better than his own. No, he didn’t remember, and he got lost inside his own head trying to. Desperate to dismiss his head space, he tried to drag Sticks atop him for another go. Instead, Sticks brushed the gesture aside, and exited the bed. The cold shoulder elicited a vague frown, and he turned over on his side to watch Sticks getting dressed.

“You’ll get plenty more attention like that this evening, I promise. We really need to get going. If things play out anywhere close to ideal, we’ll have all the time in the world to fool around.”

Sticks rummaged the desk while ‘Choly righted himself and pulled his outfit back together. He came over to the bed, where ‘Choly sat, and gave him the glass bottle of antibiotics.

“You shouldn’t have to prompt Angel for your chems every single time you need them. Begging for something--regimental or occasional--shouldn’t be the default. And I don’t care if it hears me,” he hissed over his shoulder at nothing. “You tell me what you need, I’ll make it happen.”

As ‘Choly eyed the faded label, all the mysticism of the act washed out of him. I took this without even thinking twice that it was what he said it was. He tried to remember the standard dose for Clarimentin, let alone how to use it as a preventative rather than a treatment. Loopholes in his agreement with Angel wormed through his thought process. It’s going to be very difficult to keep up with this, without Angel there like clockwork administering it for me.

“--But hey,” Sticks leaned in to pat him on the knee to get his attention, with an enthusiastic smile, “first, lunch?”

Silence echoed between them while Sticks threw together a pair of bowls of noodles with nuts, carrots, and some kind of dark, gamy reconstituted meat. While the ghoul cooked, ‘Choly did his best to pin his hair back up, and nearly regretted that he’d never get it pinned again as neatly as Burns had, if it weren’t for him reminding himself how it fell out of the french twist in the first place. He smiled to himself as he ran his bare hand over his shaven nape.

Alongside the bowl, the ghoul produced a second pair of chopsticks, and ‘Choly managed with them by putting his reinforced gloves back on. To wash it down, Sticks popped the cap off a Nuka-Cola Quartz and handed the faintly glowing white-clear drink to 'Choly.

“I was keeping it for a special occasion, but I guess this is special enough. To our partnership.”

“Where did you even get it?” was all he could ask the ghoul as he sniffed of it. It smelled enough like Nuka-Cola. “I don’t remember it being a Mass Commonwealth flavor...”

“That, you remember,” the ghoul ribbed, pocketing the cap. “Nuka-World sold all its available flavors. The rarer ones crop up all over the Commonwealth from time to time. Guess people kept them for souvenirs.”

“To our partnership,” he resigned. He set it down with a sigh, and slid it across the booth table, suggesting they split it. “I don’t get it. Tastes just like a regular one.”

Sticks took him up on the offer with a smirk and a shrug.

“All style, no content,” he supposed.

They headed out without catching Angel up on anything, Sticks with his flamer at the ready, and ‘Choly atop Angel with his syringer rifle. They assumed it knew everything that had transpired, and been said, in the same way it had known how their night at the rowhouse had gone. After a ways, ‘Choly couldn’t help but attempt to fashion a daydream of how he imagined this imminent ritual must go, but couldn’t form a concrete thought without details.

“I found two ampuoles of X-Cell when I looted Sanctuary Hills,” he started.

“You don’t say.” Sticks didn’t look up at him.

“--How it got there is besides the point,” he dismissed, sensing the comment taken as accusation. “I’m asking, would it be relevant during this... what is it called, the Unfolding?”

“It’s too different a formula from X-Cell-Root. Keep it.”

They said nothing for a ways.

“What about the X-Cell-Squared?”

'Choly gave his coat pocket a surreptitious pat, and did his best to conceal confusion at palpating the X-Cell-Squared. This was a completely different coat from the one he’d been wearing when he’d been given the chem. Hadn’t it?

“You shouldn’t participate.”

“Why not.”

Nearly, he wanted to ask if Sticks had anything to do with his possession of the Squared, just as he had to do with his possession of the Clarimentin. He hoped, at least, that asking about the Squared hadn’t prompted Angel to scrutinize its inventory file for where it had put the inhaler.

“You’ll thank me for sparing details.”

“--Well what about the X-Cell-Root itself, then! There’s a hundred units, and only eighty Furriers. Isn’t that plenty!”

“I thought you couldn’t stand your identity as a Deenwood officer.”

“I can’t work on my past if I keep trying--desperately--to pretend it didn’t happen.”

“Well met, Sir!” Angel beamed. “Need I say thank you, Mister Carey, for using the Rad-X. And thank you, Mister Hawthorne, for being responsible about it.”

“They’re my soldiers. My men and women. And what all else,” he added under his breath, reminded of Reese. “I’ve got to behave if I’m being graded. Am I right?”

Sticks slouched, only to straighten and square up his shoulders.

“...From the dram, down to the grain.”

“Need I remind, that we do still possess three doses of Rad-X,” it added.

‘Choly blanched before turning scarlet in the face. The Clarimentin. The only reason I’m not suffering radiation poisoning is how much Rad-X I took. I had to take Rad-X as a prophylactic. Just how sick would I be right now, if I hadn’t-- He stiffened, doe eyed.

“The third hand. It’s yours, isn’t it.”

Sticks stuttered for a bit.

“Wh-- what,”

“Ick. I noticed Ick’s got the third hand. No arm attached to it. It’s yours it’s got to be.”

“You know, I’ve got so much more than just Rad-X at Glenn Johnny’s,” the ghoul deflected.

“So much more,” Angel scolded, “that Mister Carey will refuse. Do not tempt him.”

“I’m not tempting!” Sticks insisted. “I’m exhausting available options. It’s up to Alan to make decisions like this, not me.”

“...But it is your hand,” ‘Choly continued, at a loss for the conflict between his partner and his companion.

“And did you only just now arrive at that conclusion, or was that part of what was getting you off upstairs? Plenty more where that came from today. Just keep moving.”

The only sound for the next hour was the Handy’s thruster flame, the ghoul’s footsteps, and the river.

Go to Next »»»

#fallout 4 #fo4 #fallout 4 fanfic #fo4 fanfic #sole survivor #lowell #the anatomy of melancholy #ghoul oc #mister handy #melancholy #sticks #angel

0 notes

pikaland · 7 years ago

Text

How to promote yourself when you’re shy

One of my friends recently asked me: how was I not on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook more often spreading the word about my blog, classes and zines? I just told her that I was a very low-key person, and that posting about myself and my work wasn’t something I was comfortable doing. I have all the respect in the world for people who choose to do so, but personally for me, it would make me exhausted, because in reality, I’m a little shy.

I chose to be quiet

I was lucky that when Pikaland first started 9 years ago, I just hopped onto the bandwagon because these apps were shiny and new. I registered an account at Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest just to see what the fuss was all about, and to connect with blogging buddies and online friends. I never thought that when I first signed up that these channels would become the social media behemoth they are today. I’m lucky – I’ve skipped so many others – Snapchat, Periscope, Vine, etc., because keeping up with what little social media channels I had on hand was frankly, already more than I could handle. I didn’t find the need to go into apps that I didn’t have an interest in (and most of them are long gone by now as well). Yes, there were the occasional pangs of FOMO (fear of missing out), but whatever urges I had to register for a new account for the new app of the day was overtaken by the need to keep myself sane, first and foremost.

Do all the things!

If you’re an artist/illustrator/designer/maker, there’s so much pressure from everyone to do everything you can for your work. Start up a blog! Email marketing! SEO! Master flat lay for Instagram! Share process videos! Pin, pin, pin! Again, if that’s what you want to do, that’s perfectly fine too. I can understand how marketing can be seen as an evil necessity; it’s the job that you have to do to get out there to get people to notice you (unless you really like it, of course!) But from my personal experience, I can tell you that it doesn’t have to be the only way, especially if like me, you’re uncomfortable with bombarding your readers, fans and family with updates about your work. I mainly promote what I’m doing through email, and only then will it trickle down to social media by way of auto-pilot. Pikaland is like a secret club where my readers get first dibs on everything.

“I’m not just doing this for you”

I suppose one can say that I’m selfish. Everything I did was to further my self-education into the realm of illustration: I started up this blog to keep track of amazing artists and illustrators. I dug deep to learn about their thinking process and trained my eye to recognise what worked and what could be improved on. I enjoyed going to illustration conferences, learning from generous teachers and meeting like-minded friends. I discovered I love teaching more than being an illustrator. Heck, even my online classes were selfish endeavours – they were based on topics that I was curious about, and were summaries of what I’ve learnt throughout the years. Putting the class together in a cohesive fashion was a way for me to remember what I’ve learnt along the way so that I wouldn’t forget them myself.

I haven’t gone down the whole social media route because (selfishly) I want what I do to speak for itself. I am of sound mind – of course I know that having this mindset will keep me from growing. But here’s the catch – I don’t want to grow big. Not yet anyway. I like being small. I like interacting with my readers one-on-one. I love teaching in a small group. I don’t want to oversell and overestimate myself. I’m not in search of “likes”, and I don’t keep score. I want my students to walk away from my class with a clear purpose and a plan they’re excited about. And if that doesn’t happen, I’m happy to go back to the drawing board to do it all over again until I get it right.

It has to be a bit of a balance, I suppose.

Everyone’s different

If you like being on social media, good for you. For others, it’s okay if it’s not your cup of tea. Some people like sharing stuff. Others just like to see what others are sharing. And there are those who use social media as a self-promotion tool. Yes, there are people who were discovered through social media, but let’s not discount the fact that there are also others who get discovered the old fashioned way: blogs, newspapers, magazines, competitions, word of mouth, etc. There isn’t a one-route-fits-all solution.

Personally, I’m a very private person, and I like to process a lot of what I’m doing on my own. I find that I rarely talk to Mr. T about my work, and instead I talk to my friends who have the same interests, or my community. I prefer to keep things private and close to my heart, so it’s not hard to understand why I usually prefer doing my communications via email. This is then followed by Facebook, and trailing far behind is Instagram and Twitter.

However you feel about self-promotion through social media, I’ve listed down 3 recommendations on how you can choose what works for you:

Be consistent. Take some time to think about what you’ll be comfortable doing for the long run. Spreading yourself thin trying to be everywhere at once will knock the wind out of your sails before you even get going. Be selfish. Do what you want to do, not what people expect of you. That way, you can have some fun, colour outside the lines, play a little and let people see the real you, and what you stand for. Do great work. I cannot overemphasis this enough – if people put in more effort into doing great work as opposed to the time they spend on social media, then perhaps they wouldn’t need to use it so much. I may be wrong, and some people may genuinely love being on social media – but hey, there’s no harm in doing great work too, is there?

There are no hard and fast rules about using outlets like Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. Sure, there’s lots of things you can do to help it along – hash tagging, commenting, posting at a certain time of day, etc – among hundreds of tips out there that will hopefully help bring you the fame you’re looking for.

Just don’t forget to do the work first and foremost – you’ll realise that it’s the one thing that won’t go away ever, even if those platforms disappear one day.

A guide to email pitches (for shy artists)

This topic has made me think a lot in terms of how differently people approach self-promotion these days. But I’m also keenly aware of how a lot of things still stay the same. In spite of the popularity of social media, I think that emailing is still a very important form of self-promotion. I deal with email a lot, even before I started this blog. I used to work in publishing, and as an editor you get a lot of emails and letters, pitching an event, new work, or a launch. I know that even with the rise of social media, email itself has not changed much.

It’s a pity that this form of communication hasn’t gotten a lot of attention because it’s one of the best ways to get your work out there. When done right, it can open doors, make people notice you and bring you opportunities you might not even know of. So it would stand to reason that emailing blogs, magazines, news portals, etc., should be a piece of cake right? Turns out, not really. I’ve met many artists who were uncertain about the best ways to write an email, and it’s a nail biting affair. When’s the best time to write? How should I sound? What should I do if they don’t reply? ARGH! I’d roll up my sleeves and listen so that I can help them formulate a plan.

A friend came to me about this problem recently, and I’ve come to realise that my advice is pretty much the same each time, and that I should probably start to just compile my thoughts in a proper manner. So if you’re shy, introverted and unsure of how to write in a way that will allow your personality (and work) to shine, I’ll be writing a guide that on how to pitch yourself via email. It’ll be ready within the next couple of weeks, but if you’re interested to know when it comes out, just click the button below and enter your details when prompted so that I can send you a note to let you know when it’s ready!

[Illustration: Jon Klassen]

6 notes · View notes

cosmosogler · 7 years ago

Text

hello, today i slept in for 45 minutes because no matter how long i sleep i don’t seem to feel rested at all in the morning. so i got up at 9:45.

i should start practicing lucid dreaming again. might help me remember things a little better. or help me steer clear of exhausting nightmares. i guess the type of dream doesn’t matter. i could be sitting and exchanging terrible puns with a dream person all night and i’d wake up tired.

anyway i got out of bed and immediately returned to the thing i had been reading last night. i got up for lunch at around 12:30 and finished my hummus and made some soup. i only had a tiny bit of the soup though.

also the group therapist called. insurance hasn’t even looked at the appeal yet. so we’ll have to see what happens tomorrow. i asked her to call me after 9.

i made some backup plans in case the insurance really doesn’t come through. i should have worksheets to keep me busy between individual therapy sessions for the next two weeks either way. i feel bad, because the insurance guy said that they will “probably” cover more therapy sessions. but if i miss three in a row i’ll be discharged anyway, and also, “probably” doesn’t mean “definitely.” if i go to a session and then insurance decides NOT to cover it, my family will be down a thousand dollars, and right now with the busted car and the geriatric dogs and the various house repairs that will come with summer it just isn’t a good time to be spending money.

lisa did say that this is for my health, and i do need treatment, and i... agree. but a thousand dollars is more than i have in my bank account (full of mom’s money). i dunno. i’ll have to make a decision tomorrow. i guess i’ll sleep on it.

i mean, i’ve already made my decision depending on what feedback i get, but, we’ll see.

then i went straight back to reading and regretted it immensely for the whole evening. i finished around 4. after that i took a look at my closet and pulled everything out all over the floor. and i cleaned my dresser and threw out a bunch of old stuff i wasn’t using any more and had an approximately 0.1% chance of needing in the future. and if i DO for some reason need a 2008 model ipod, there’s always ebay.

i talked to asher for a little bit about the stuff i was finding. it was kind of emotionally difficult. not just the bad grades. while looking through my notebooks i found, like, sketches of craig, and other people’s characters from a long time ago when i still talked to them.

but i also found some genuinely funny doodles that i laughed at. good to know my sense of humor has remained flawless. i also found a bunch of old character designs, drafts, temporary names, aus i designed based around different fandoms... some of my characters haven’t changed significantly in appearance in basically 7 or 8 years. the only reason they look different is because my style changed over time, but their features and details are the same.

i’m... comfortable with that knowledge. i mean, there’s always room for improvement and change, and things i could streamline or flesh out, but having a solid idea of a character for so long is just, kind of nice? i don’t know if that can be classified as stagnation or not. it’s hard to look at something you made and be all “yeah, this is good enough to send out into the world.”

i guess... with characters it might be different. like i still haven’t FINISHED the story they are supposed to be in. and over the years i’ve written for them a lot. so the permanent state of being for the characters was the fact that they were a work in progress. and i got comfortable with the idea that i could make mistakes or hash out really dumb ideas with these guys and it would be fine. so improving until i got to a place i was happy with wasn’t as hard as publishing a picture online for the public to see, and then publishing pictures frequently for years. i still see major problems with my visual art. heck, i still see major problems with my prose.

i also found some yearbooks and a scrapbook i made where i cataloged that time i was on the today show with david hasselhoff in new york city. also my tooth braces game was pretty strong.

looking at myself in the pictures got me pretty distressed though. and i went looking through a box trying to see if there was room for all these letters and i found... stuff that made me really unhappy actually. like the diary my old friend angel composed and then left on my doorstep when i asked him not to come to my house. where he detailed all his feelings and stuff. about. like, i don’t know how to describe it. one page was a love confession that i didn’t address. mostly because i was dating nic at the time, but also, because i just didn’t know what to do at all.

i don’t know why i kept the book. i guess it seemed rude to throw away the only copy of something that someone else wrote.

i also found my old diary, which i kept during a family vacation about fifteen years ago. i remember the trip pretty vividly and it was odd to see how my account of it didn’t quite line up with my memories.

i did mention the panic attack i remember most about the trip though. i glossed over it really fast in the entry and was pretty vague about it. just said i didn’t feel good so i stopped playing my game. the diary picks up three years later when i mention that i was sad because my gramma’s best friend died. then my prose gets shot to hell the year after that because i had started posting on the internet and my ability to write like a normal person suffered drastically. the last entry is me talking about being really bummed that i had asked mom for a hug, and instead she yelled at me because i had forgotten something.

i know... i’ve always been depressed. but seeing a little kid give such a clinical description of their day through the depression lens was kind of rough. writing something down and immediately following it with “but i don’t like to think about it.”

however i got everything organized and put away. i hope... i can start doing all the projects i have on shelves around my room. while i was putting some things in the goodwill pile i was kind of wishing i could go back and add to my experiences these little projects that i’d hidden away and forgotten about. the puzzles, the wood construction kits. that giant rollercoaster that i built in my room and left for like a year before dismantling it and never touching the box again.

but, all i got is now. so i gotta toss the things i didn’t do, and probably won’t ever do, and see if i can devote some energy to working on the stuff i kept. i don’t know if i will and that bothers me.

it is kind of nice to condense all my belongings though. i’ve got a whole empty shelf to work with now. well, a shelf and a half. i need to figure out how i want to arrange the shelves that are not in the closet.

at least i got stuff to do if the group therapy falls through. so... either way i will win?

less for mom to find when she next decides to snoop around in my room.

i basically only did those two things today. my sister went and got manuel’s for dinner at around 8:30. i wasn’t really hungry... i ate less than half my food. i anticipated my nausea though and got something that’s easy to reheat. and also a quart of salsa? manuel’s makes the best salsa i’ve ever had so i required a large supply. for myself and no one else. my mom said i need to ask my aunt for her salsa recipe so i can make some for myself in florida.

i was considering going through my clothes and culling some articles i no longer wear as well, but then i remembered that everything fits a lot looser than it used to so nothing’s really... uncomfortable to wear. maybe i will take a look through my shirt collection so that i have fewer things i will be tempted to drag along to florida.

i found a ton of art supplies and some old sketchbooks that i hadn’t started using yet. perhaps i could pick up a project there too. i have a lot of options. almost too many options to be able to make a quick decision. i may have to begin utilizing the to-do jar again. the anxiety jar was kind of a bad time. i haven’t touched it.

ok, now is a good time to go to bed. i feel like there’s something else i wanted to talk about as usual but i didn’t actually do a lot of different activities today. just really long ones.

i had kind of a heavy conversation with asher but i don’t really feel like rehashing it for the blog. it was mostly a running commentary on things i was finding in the closet anyway. i don’t need to immortalize it.

the point is that i am still really uncomfortable with thinking about my childhood. or seeing myself as a child in pictures. i do not like the way my face looked. i do not like my writing voice. it’s pretty tryhard. i do not like the way i interacted with other people.

ha ha, as if i’m not a total tryhard now anyway.

1 note · View note

davidplusworld · 5 years ago

Text

I finished Inktober 2019!

When I started it this year, I really wasn’t sure if I could finish it. This past month or so was one of the busiest in recent memory. However, I did it. Not sure how I succeeded, but I think that putting all my other blogs on hold was pretty much the only way I could.

Just like last year, I’m going to write some sort of debriefing with some final thoughts about each drawing. You’ll see that time often was a deciding factor for quite a few drawings.

All the drawings can be seen on the same page there:

https://www.davidplusworld.com/portfolio/inktober-2019/

Otherwise, links to each specific post are below, along with

a few thoughts about each drawing

1 – Ring – It was the first drawing, so I didn’t want to draw something difficult, fail and then lose the little confidence I had gained right at the beginning (I’m really at that stage where I have gained some confidence about drawing, but not enough to actually be “confident” about the whole thing). I also didn’t want to draw a ring (the kind you put on a finger), so I chose this simple design of an alarm. In retrospect, the design was maybe a bit too simple, but that’s probably what I needed at that moment. I remember being very afraid to struggle and fail from the beginning.

2 – Mindless – One of my first attempts at doing a caricature of someone alive and famous (well, I did another one in 2018). When I finished it, I was happy that I managed to do it. Now, a little bit than a month later, I think it could have been much better. Does it mean that I improved and gained confidence during this month? Maybe.

3 – Bait – I was still finding my footing I guess. I found this simple – but not too simple – design (really two drawings I merged into one). I wanted to keep things easy because I knew some challenges were coming.

4 – Freeze – First real challenge. I used a video tutorial for most of the drawing. I’m glad that I managed to do it, but I find the final result a bit stiff and lacking life. However, it is fitting due to the topic, so not a huge problem.

5 – Build – Who would have thought that my first big trouble would come with a few geometrical forms? I feel that I’ve drawn blocks many times in the past, but that probably was in high school, about 30 years ago! Or maybe that’s because the paper was not lined paper? I don’t know, but they gave me one hell of a time, and the final result is a much more simplified version than what I originally had in mind. The result is “cute” though.

6 – Husky – The first drawing of this year’s Inktober that I’m actually proud of. Sure, it doesn’t exactly look like the real thing, and there are some parts I wish I had done differently, but overall, I consider it a success.

7 – Enchanted – The previous drawing took quite some time to draw, so I decided for a much quicker design for this one. It actually turned out much better than planned. So, great, I guess.

8 – Frail – What took me a long time was to find what to draw. I’m not even sure this drawing fits the prompt well. When I finished it I was pretty happy with it (but it’s probably because I managed to draw something), but now, I think that it’s a bit too simple, not sure.

9 – Swing – Last year, I drew a smurf quite successfully (with a video tutorial). Could I draw another famous cartoon character? Without a tutorial this time? Well, I guess I can (even if some scaling is a bit messy).

10 – Pattern – When I say that I almost didn’t draw in the past 20 years before last year, it’s not completely true. From time to time I like to doodle some abstract designs. This was the occasion to include one of them to Inktober. Also, I “know” how to draw these and they don’t take too long. I knew I would be needing a lot of time for the next one.

11 – Snow – I just can’t draw people in a realistic fashion. This is probably the drawing I like the least this year, and it’s a shame because I spent a lot of time on it, and I thought the sketch I drew before inking it was kind of OK. Oh well. Still, I need to learn how to draw people, but I will probably need a certain number of tutorials.

12 – Dragon – Two difficult drawings back to back but I’m actually impressed how well I managed to draw this one. It’s probably the drawing I’m the proudest of this year. I never thought it would be a success, especially right after the disappointing previous one.

13 – Ash – Back to a simpler design from lack of time and ideas. It’s actually not bad at all, don’t you think?

14 – Overgrown – I had no time at all for this drawing, so it’s a simplified version of what I had in mind, which was basically a landscape made of rocks and/or concrete with one single flower surviving and growing no matter what. The idea is there, but I feel that this drawing could have had a stronger impact if I could have spent more time on it.

15 – Legend – Not really a drawing at all, just an idea. I had no time and no idea for a drawing that I could actually do, hence this replacement “map.” You can call it a cop-out, I won’t disagree.

16 – Wild – This is one of the drawings I’m the proudest of this year (except for the tail). I find the technique used by Maurice Sendak very interesting and I tried to reproduce it. And I think we can call it a success. I especially like it, because despite not being the original intent, I found myself using hashing quite often when doing various shadings and this is all the wild things are about in terms of the way they’re drawn.

17 – Ornament – I find this one quite interesting and, in retrospect, much better than my original feeling about it. I just talked about using hashing for shading, but for this one, I wanted to try another technique. I started with a youtube tutorial for drawing a sphere. The tutorial was only using pencils. I tried to figure out how to do something similar but with inks. The result may be a little too dark for a Christmas ornament (or maybe it’s for a gothic Christmas), but the result is actually not bad at all. Ironically, I’m usually not a big fan of drawings with a painting feel like this one.

18 – Misfit – I did have a few ideas for this drawing but no time at all, so I just did this in a few minutes. It’s neither bad no good. Of course, it’d be better if I had spent more time on it. Also, today, I regret not doing the opposite. A “weirdo” among many normal “boring” faces is almost a cliché. One normal boring face surrounded by weirdos would have been more interesting when thinking about it.

19 – Sling – For this one, my time constraint kinda played in my favor. As I didn’t want to spend time looking for an original or interesting idea, I just drew a literal sling. And the result is quite good actually.

20 – Tread – This is pretty much the only idea that came to mind. The drawing could be better, but as there was no model to follow, I had to “design” it myself. In any case, I’ve always felt iffy about this “don’t tread on me” thing even before it was taken over by fascists and white supremacists. Now? Yes, we need to do all we can to tread on them, indeed.

21 – Treasure – Another map. This one was one of my two original ideas for this prompt. I meant to detail it much more (as far as treasure maps go), but I totally failed my first attempt (it was OK until I started adding colors) and – as often – I didn’t have the time for another complex attempt (especially as it could have been a failure too). One small disappointment, no one “got it.” Yes, this map is some sort of easter egg (albeit a quite obscure one, I admit) and no one noticed on social media. 😦 Oh well… (I’m not going to tell what it is, just in case someone finds out one day).

22 – Ghost – After drawing Jon Snow earlier, of course, I had to draw “his” Ghost (he’s not a pet, I know). I used a tutorial to draw a wolf. I’m glad I managed to do it, but it does look stiff and lacks life, like the baby from “freeze”. Oh well. Something to keep in mind with these tutorials.

23 – Ancient – I’m glad I got to draw this. Take it as my homage to some of the most amazing drawings ever. I’ve always been fascinated by Lascaux and other prehistorical caves, and not only because I grew up nearby. Those are some of the first artworks ever, and of course, we’ll never know who did them. If we could meet them, we’d be unable to communicate with them. And yet, their art speaks to us, tens of thousands of years later. Nothing symbolizes the power of art more than this. If I had been a better artist I would have drawn the actual wall and all, but I like the idea of only reproducing the painting itself.

24 – Dizzy – First I had no idea what to draw. Then, the idea of drawing Lucille 2 from Arrested Development came to mind, and I knew she was the right thing to draw. Now, I’m totally incapable to draw Liza Minnelli in a satisfying fashion. I found a caricature of her younger self and tried to age her a little bit. One friend recognized her, so I guess it’s not so bad.

25 – Tasty – Around this time, I knew that if I wanted to not fall behind and still do all the other things I needed to do, I’d have to go the fast and easy route. I could have chosen to just be very late at finishing Inktober, but actually trying to make acceptable drawings fast was an interesting challenge in itself. A useful one too, one reason I didn’t draw as much as I wanted to during this past year was that I rarely had the time to spend a couple of hours or more on a drawing.

26 – Dark – I struggled to find ideas for this one when I remember that my kids are always scared of walking through this corridor at night without turning the lights on because it’s dark, even when the rooms are lit. So, that’s what I draw. I didn’t try to be totally accurate and had fun with the hashing, and it worked out quite well in the end.

27 – Coat – Another difficult prompt. I didn’t want to draw a coat, that’s for sure, so I thought about the other meanings of the word and ended up drawing my hometown’s coat of arms. It looks strange in black and white. I’m not exactly satisfied, but it was the last stretch, I had little time and I wasn’t too interested in this prompt. I should revisit later the idea of drawing coats of arms, though.

28 – Ride – Probably my most “ambitious” drawing this year. Well, I had to drastically simplify it compared to the original, but in the end, I didn’t mess it up, so that’s a win.

29 – Injured – One of these drawings where for a while I simply have no idea what to draw, but when I suddenly found it, it became the only choice. I had to draw the scene from another drawing, not from the actual picture; for some reason, it seems almost impossible to find a good quality picture of that scene on the internet. I think I did alright. Oh, a weird anecdote; on Instagram, a preteen commented “OK boomer” on that drawing? To what I can only answer: “dafuck?”

30 – Catch – Another uninspiring prompt. I drew it in a few minutes, just trying to get it over with. At least I didn’t mess it up with colors this time. I thought that was the end of it when a little surprise awaited me shortly after posting it on Reddit. You’ll see in a few paragraphs.

31 – Ripe – I’m actually very pleased with this drawing. Some friends told me that I have improved a lot since last year. Looking at last year’s drawings, I think they’re right, and this final one is the perfect example. Sure, I still need a model – there is no way I can draw this from scratch – but it is a decent drawing indeed. And even more important, for many drawings, I just try something and hope it works. For this one, I feel like I knew what I was doing the whole time, so yeah! A great ending indeed.

We’re “almost” finished. I told you what drawings I liked or disliked. I’m also curious about what you think. Do not hesitate to tell me in the comments.

Also, as they were posted on various social media, they have been ranked by people.

Let’s check those rankings.

I’m not sure “upvotes” on Reddit are an accurate way to rank drawings for a bunch of reasons. Upvotes will depend on many random factors (what time the drawing is posted, what is posted at the same time, and so on). Also, you may have noticed that a lot of my drawings this year are inspired by pop culture. I didn’t plan it this way, it just happened. However, it’s true that it makes it easier to find ideas, as well as visualize them, not mentioning finding decent models. Of course, Reddit being what it is, some drawings will get more upvotes, not because they’re better or more interesting, but because they’ll depict things that are popular on Reddit.

#1 – 213 upvotes!

I’m very surprised by the success of this drawing, but I really think it comes from the popularity of Pokémon Go on Reddit and not anything else.

#2 – 56 upvotes

#3 – 30 upvotes

#4 – 12 upvotes

#3 – 30

I also think that Ride has been overrated because of its subject. The other ones probably deserve their stop in the top five.

Instagram

Let’s see what my followers on Instagram think. It may give more “accurate” scores, as people liking the drawings are a mix of my followers (note that my Instagram account is Japan-heavy in terms of content) and people who have found my drawings through hashtags.

#1 – 47 likes

It’s not a surprise at all that Dragon was the winner on Instagram. First, it probably is my best drawing this year, but also – as mentioned a few lines above – most of my followers follow me for my pictures about Japan.

#3 – 30 likes

#3 – 30

#5 – 28

And if my followers follow me mostly for pictures in Japan, they especially follow me for the Setouchi Triennale, so it’s totally normal that Husky arrives in the second position. I am surprised to find Catch again near the top, I guess people really like this drawing after all.

I posted my drawings on Facebook and Twitter too, but they didn’t garner many likes, shares or retweets. One reason can be that I didn’t actually post the drawings but links to the posts here. So what we could check is the traffic for the posts. There is a major caveat. The number of views doesn’t reflect in any way whether people liked the drawing or not. More often than not, it reflects how well ranked in search engines the post is. So, with this in mind, let’s check what my Google Analytics tell me.

And indeed the results are very different from anywhere else:

Indeed, I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that the top five is composed of the first three entries as well as two prompts for which one can easily imagine people googling for ideas. One interesting thing is that my old (and out-of-date for some) “Ask a Frenchman” posts usually hog the top ten for most viewed pages on my site, but in October, all of those five drawings were in the top 10 (with Frail placing number two). Interestingly, some of those posts do rank on Google’s page one when you search “Inktober frail” and so on.

I guess that’s all for this year’s Inktober “debriefing”. The blog is going to be quieter in the coming weeks, I do have a lot of catch up to do with Setouchi Explorer. However, sooner or later expect activity here in the form of drawings, pictures or something else.

Cheers.

Inktober 2019 – The End I finished Inktober 2019! When I started it this year, I really wasn't sure if I could finish it.

#Inktober

0 notes