#i’m gonna kill santa claus

[beach-bear-enjoyer]

they played i’m gonna kill santa claus at dunkin’ donuts and after the chorus they skipped to a different song lmaooo

[jakotsuto]

I'm sure you were all asking yourselves, "What will I do if there isn't a BO7 Christmas edit? How else am I to get into the festive spirit without the Band of Seven plotting Christmas atrocities?”

Fear not. I have done my utmost to ensure you won't have to ask that question (which I'm sure you were definitely about to ask.) //

Anyway, this is the thing I was previously foreshadowing with that BO7 Christmas picture.

Version without text available on YouTube.

[ayshahutton]

I’m gonna kill Santa Claus 🎶 🎅🏼

[eiightysixbaby]

eddie in a reindeer costume. that’s it, that’s the post. oh and he’s just like, chronically horny for you.

“Oh, look at you!”

The figure that steps out of the dressing room has your eyes lighting up, your mouth twitching as you hold your laughter off. The person on the other end of your delight is… not so delighted.

“I cannot believe this.” Eddie stands with his hands on his hips, looking down at the holiday monstrosity that is his costume.

He’d lost a bet with Steve, and they’d decided that the loser had to be the final piece to Nancy’s holiday charity event being held at Starcourt Mall.

She already had a Santa, thanks to Chief Hopper. She was going as Mrs. Claus, while you, Robin, and Chrissy had pitched in to be elves. Jonathan got off the hook easy as the designated photographer.

The only thing missing… was Rudolph.

You bring your fist to your mouth, the knuckle of your index finger between your teeth to prevent yourself from erupting into a laughing fit.

A pair of opaque brown tights clings to Eddie’s legs, a matching brown tunic of sorts on his top half. There’s a fluffy patch of white fabric at the belly, and a thick red belt around his middle. A red collar adorned with gold bells rests around his neck, and to top it all off, he has a pair of antlers on his head and a red foam ball on his nose.

The only thing that looks remotely Eddie, are the black combat boots they allowed him to wear on his feet.

“Come on, you look adorable!” you say, pinching at the meat of his bicep.

He groans, shaking his head. “I am not going out there like this. This is humiliating!” he grits, his voice coming out somewhat nasally thanks to his fake nose.

“It is not!” you insist, though your giggling gives you away.

“You’re laughing! You can’t even look at me with a straight face!” he pouts, taking in the elf costume you’re wearing.

“Okay, you look hot as fuck in your costume. Like damn, sweetheart,” he says, eyeing you up and down. You flush at his wandering eyes, giddy with his praise — even if he looks ridiculous while giving it.

“The red and green’s really doing it for you? And the hat with the built in elf ears?” you tease, knowing he just likes the way the outfit hugs you in all the right places.

“Babe, like, it’s not even fair how good you look. If I had known Wheeler was gonna put me in a pair of tights, I would’ve literally killed Harrington if it was my only way to win that bet.”

You cradle his cheek in your palm, letting your thumb rub over his skin. “Baby, it’s for the kids, okay? It’s just a few hours.”

“My entire evening is not just a few hours. These tights are gonna cut off all circulation to my fuckin’ dick by the time we’re done here,” he complains.

You shove him playfully, the bells on your outfit jangling with your movement. But he’s not done with the theatrics.

“Oh god,” he says after a pause. “I’m gonna be out of commission. I’m gonna have no dick, they’ll have to amputate.”

“Eddie,” you roll your eyes. “You are so dramatic. The tights are not gonna kill your dick.”

“How do you know that?” he asks, pulling you into him. His big arms wrap around your back, hands holding your ass loosely. “What if wearing this costume means I can never fuck you again? I think I’ll have to tell Wheeler I can’t do it—”

“Eddie!” you say again, scolding him lightly. “You are going out there, whether you like it or not.” You stand on your tip toes, pressing a kiss to his frowning mouth.

“Whyyyyy?”

“Because, it’s for the kids. Like I said. We have to do this.”

He seems entirely unconvinced as he gazes down at you, those big doe eyes of his heavy-lidded as he stares at your red lips.

“What’re you thinking about, Munson?” you ask, recognizing the growing playfulness in his eyes.

“Think we have time for a quickie?”

You press your palms to his chest, shoving him off of you with a laugh.

“I am not fucking you while you’re wearing antlers. Or that big ass red nose.”

“Okay, rude!”

He doesn’t have time to protest any further, because the rest of the group has come to find you. You hear a muffled chuckle from behind you, and you spin around in your green elf boots to face the culprit.

“Aw, well aren’t you just the beacon of holiday spirit!” Steve says, grinning like the devil at your boyfriend.

“I’m actually going to murder you. In cold blood,” Eddie retorts, scowling at the only person not in costume, save for Jonathan. “This isn’t even fair. I have to wear this and Steve just gets off the hook?”

“You lost the bet, Eddie,” Robin chimes in. “A deal’s a deal.”

“Come on, Rudy,” Jonathan pipes up. “We’ve got some Christmas cheer to spread, so get your best smile on.”

“I hate all of you,” Eddie deadpans.

“Yeah, yeah,” Nancy says, motioning all of you in the direction of your photo-op setup. “You’ll get over it.”

You link your arm with his, squeezing. You stop him from walking ahead, tiptoeing to get your mouth level with his ear.

“As soon as this is over, you can have me however you like,” you whisper. “But you better be the holliest, jolliest one out there tonight, or no deal,” you add, before pulling away in a flash and skipping ahead to catch up with Chrissy.

“Oh god, you can’t be putting that in my head right now!” he groans from behind you.

You hear his collar jingling as he starts to move.

“Wait up!”

[korozite]

I’m gonna kill santa claus

[beuxwhoyouare]

Escaping Holiday Responsibilities

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and all the boys. And who can forget about singing Hanerot Halalu after lighting the menorah. There’s symbols and entities representing all of the holidays. But outside of the season we enjoy our peace and quiet. Sometimes though a season is so rough you can’t really blame an entity for wanting to get away.

I may or may not be Santa Claus. I’d say the best perk about the gig is that when the time comes you’re almost guided to your successor who then dons the classic look. So it’s a give and take. I mean having the power to fulfill lists of gifts you desire is great, but acquiring the look of a tubby bearded old man isn’t all that. The coolest thing though is you may not know it, but just because you don’t write a list doesn’t mean you don’t have holiday desires. I can still deliver gifts based on the list you make in your hearts. Cute as hell right? I’m basically a mind reader!

Before all this Claus business, I was unemployed and recently divorced when I received the call to step into the good ol boots. So a gig is a gig. I took it and ran, but that was like 30 years ago. So now once I retire I’m actually gonna look old and ragged.

So there I was last night delivering gifts at this random place in Chicago. Doing my best to stay quiet, delivering gifts as low key as possible when CRAAAAAACK! I stepped on a large glass ornament I somehow missed. I thought I was in the clear after no one came to check what happened and as I headed on my way out a baseball bat swung at my head.

I took the hit like a champ but when I turned around to see I saw a man standing there in black sweatpants and a sleeveless shirt with the bat ready to swing again.

“Ho ho hey hey wait. I’m literally Santa.” I whisper yelled while showing snowy crystals come out of my glove.

Right as he began to swing again I pulled more tricks out of my hat.

“I know your name is Russell O’Connor. You got a gunmetal tricycle as a 4 year old because you thought the red ones the store had were tacky and wanted to look tough!”

That’s when he stopped mid-swing.

“How-how did you know that pervert? Have you been watching me for years?”

I began to hear his inner list���.a young man now in his mid-20s regretting his life decisions to get a girl knocked up as a teen? Interesting. He desires to get away from the so-called mess he made.

“I can offer you a way out of the mess you made. If that’s what your true hearts wish is this Christmas?!” I pleaded to not be beaten once again.

“How do you know what I want freak?”

“Bro I’m Santa, I know when you’ve been like bad or good and whatever. Listen do you want to get away from the mess you made or what?”

“Yes okay but like how are you going to do it? You’re not going to kill me or anything?”

“Honestly no one’s really ever wished for this so I gotta be able to do it somehow. That’s the Santa magic!”

“Okay let’s go for it. Do it! Get me out of here!”

I closed my eyes and rubbed my gloved hands together and then pulled them apart. As I pulled them apart a spark started forming but I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I tried to hold it steady but before I knew it, the spark grew too wild to control. The energy then turned white and exploded.

There was a ringing and we both yelled but then black.

When I woke up I found myself pushing up from a bed? That’s weird I don’t remember finishing all my deliveries. I reached up to scratch my beard but instead of my long luscious white beard a more close shaved beard grazed my hand. Wait where are my gloves? And my beard?

I looked down at the bed I didn’t recognize before looking back up to walk over to a nearby restroom with the night light on. The dim glow painted a picture I couldn’t believe. Surely I’m dreaming?

I fumbled around the foreign room before locating the light switch, only to have the bright lights confirm what I was seeing. I raised both arms and posed….

“No fucking way!?” The cursing surprised me, being a Claus the job prevents your mouth from ever even forming a curse word.

I’m Russell? But the Santa step down process just returns you to your normal self not swaps you with someone? How did this? Could my desires have matched with his conflicting my magics intent?

I lifted the shirt barely hiding anything of my new body I now resided in. Woah…I wasn’t much of a gym person in my former life but maybe there’s reason to be. I mean look at this beef? I reached my muscular hand up to my new proud chest and squeezed. Ahhh grazing my new nipple I revealed a new found sensitivity I never previously had. Looks like that’s going to be fun, I nearly salivated.

I can do adult things again and live a life again! No more having to spend months working to achieve someone else’s dreams. Or maybe I’ll fulfill other dirtiest dreams. I mean this body should go to work somehow.

I’m sure OnlyFans would love to see how thick I am everywhere. It’s time to be a family man settle down the right way and make a good living by selling the best gift I’ve ever given myself.

My new tool hardening nearly pulling down my sweatpants waistband itself. I grabbed it before taking a peak at my new equipment. Ohhhhh looks like I’ll still be delivering gifts to quite a few people in different ways with this beer can.

[fruitcoops]

Do They Know It's Christmas?

Happy holidays, lovelies! And most importantly, happy noot fic exchange/ secret Santa to @itsaash --you're a legend, a sweetheart, and a friend I hold near and dear to my heart. I hope everyone is staying safe and sound! You've made it through the shortest day of the year; it's only up from here! Thanks to @veryspacecowboy for coordinating the exchange and @lumosinlove for the characters!

TW for implied smut and mild Vaincre spoilers

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane…

“Fourth line, take it left!”

…and all the fun we had last year…

“Good work, boys, remember we’re working clockwise.”

Run, run, Rudolph, Santa’s gotta make it to town…

“I know, I know, but we need to get that down before we break today.”

…come on, it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with…

“Keep those crossovers clean in the corners, Sunny!”

…the very next day, you gave it away…

Arthur frowned at his clipboard. An ache had started up along the inner corner of his eye, and not even the steady working of his thumb brought relief. The song changed to something bright and tinny with silver bells; the things he would give for a nice, quiet O, Holy Night right about now. Something soft, with minimal jangling. A saxophone would be lovely.

They had a schedule. They always had a schedule. The boys were used to rotation exercises—he had even taken pity and not added anything new or complicated to the roundup. The whole damn thing was laminated and taped to the damn glass around the damn bench on both damn sides of the goddamn rink.

Arthur’s eyes ticked typewriter-smooth down the list, but his ears alone would have told him it was a lost cause. Messy crossovers. From Sunny. Crunchy, scratchy steps from skates of perfect sharpness. Low muttering, barks of laughter, rollercoaster-arcs of chatting when they were supposed to be focusing. Cap did his best, but Harzy looked about two laps from chewing his way out through the boards.

Well. It was almost Christmas. He could be kind.

The whistle broke through Brenda Lee’s second chorus; 20 heads popped up.

“Revision!” Arthur called across the ice, drawing a steady line through the end of his list. “Bring it in.”

Their rush to the bench was the cleanest they had sounded all day.

“We’re going to finish a little early today—”

A wave of cheers cut him off, then petered out at his unimpressed glance.

“We’re finishing a little early,” he repeated when the Christmas spirit had released their souls at last, leaving only a faint ringing in the upper levels of the bleachers. “Because I’m taking off the last rotation.”

Arthur slipped his pen back into the clipboard clamp. Olli raised a tentative hand. “So…we can go…?”

Arthur frowned. “What? No, we’re going ‘til noon, if you just—guys, the schedule is right there—”

“Nooo—”

“But Coach—”

“—Christmas!—”

“I haven’t even—”

“—been here so long—”

“—like you don’t even love us—”

“—mom’s gonna kill me if I don’t—”

Unbelievable. Simply beyond words. Arthur looked over Nado’s pleading hands, hoping for an ounce of solidarity from the one person besides himself who was literally appointed for this duty, and was met with only a beleaguered, whale-eyed stare in return.

Arthur raised his eyebrows.

Sirius gazed back.

For such a large person, he could really pull off ‘sickly Victorian child begging for gruel’ when he wanted to.

“Alright,” Arthur muttered. It was lost in the sea of writhing and wailing. “Alright!”

The team (finally) fell somewhat silent.

“I am very sorry,” he began, pausing to slide his clipboard onto the bench hook. Their anticipation was delicious. “That I assumed a group of grown men playing their favorite game for millions of dollars would be able to handle one morning practice for their last competition before a holiday break.”

Pots’ eyebrows pitched as if he had been stabbed. “But Coach, it’s Christmas.”

“It is December 22nd.”

“I haven’t even found something for my dad yet!” Walker piped in.

“Sounds like a personal problem with time management.”

Pascal—the traitor—shuffled on his skates. “I was going to make holiday cookies with my children,” he said sadly. “They grow up so fast. We might not have many years of it left.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “I’m letting you go at noon, not locking you in here overnight. And I know you make cookies on Christmas Eve, because you put them on my doorstep every year.”

Pascal tsked, but didn’t deny it.

“You get cookies?” O’Hara perked up, craning his neck to look at Pacal. “How come we don’t get cookies?”

“Because I don’t need you to like me,” Pascal said with a smile.

“What if we need to catch flights?” Knut interrupted.

Arthur squinted at him. “Knut, we have a game tomorrow. You better not be going anywhere.”

“Well, no, but the sentiment stands.”

“No, it does n—you know what, fine, if you make it through…” Arthur leaned around the glass to squint at his beautiful, crisp schedule. “Your next two—TWO, I don’t wanna hear it—rotations before 11:30, I will let you out then.”

“And no lift tonight?” Kuny asked hopefully.

“Don’t push it.”

“Veto.”

Budding protests froze over in one collective puff of breath.

…the stars are brightly shining…

“What?” Arthur asked at last.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices…

Sirius licked his lips, shifting from one foot to the other. “Veto.”

Arthur opened his mouth.

Closed it.

Every eye in the room was fixed on their captain. He rested his chin on top of his hands, folded on his stick. Lupin’s gaze flickered back and forth.

“But I…” Arthur faltered, gesturing at the schedule.

“I get three.”

“It’s not even 9:30.”

“No questions asked.”

“We have a game.”

“It’s snowing outside.”

“How do you know that?” Arthur asked despairingly.

A grin skipped across his face. “I’m Canadian. I can smell it a mile off.”

“Also, Tremzy texted everyone right before practice,” O’Hara added.

“It’s snowing, have fun at practice, you fucking losers, ha-ha,” Knut recited with a grave nod.

“No, no,” Sirius corrected. “My bones are made of snow and I was born with hockey skates in one hand and a thermometer in the other.”

“That, I believe.”

Arthur waved his hands between them before the already-unbearable situation could get any worse. “Let me just…” His headache was coming back. Going home early was starting to sound less terrible by the minute. “You, as captain, get three vetoes across the span of your contract.”

“Ouais.”

“Which you can use to veto any practice you want, for any reason, with no questions asked by me or other staff.”

“That’s what I signed, yes.”

“And you’re using it on a snow day? With barely two hours left of practice? Before a game and a week off?”

Sirius smiled. “Veto.”

“Lupin.” A last-ditch effort. Perhaps a dirty play, but it was warranted. “Lupin, don’t you have anniversary plans? Birthdays? Anything else he can use this on?”

The captain’s barely-contained mischief was bad enough. Lupin’s mild bemusement was worse. “I’m sorry, Coach, but I can’t question a veto from my captain.”

Arthur scanned the crowd of hopeful faces. Sometime in the last minute and a half, Knut had slipped his phone off the bench and was doing his best to text under Winter’s elbow. Kelly Clarkson sang along to his imminent defeat. He sighed, shook his head, and opened the gate. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Nobody moved.

Arthur blinked. “Merry Christmas?”

Not a twitch.

“Ho-ho-ho, get out.”

The dispersal was the most active they had been all day, surging forward in one mass of whooping red and gold. Out of the corner of his eye, Arthur saw Moody turn the music up a notch before hustling back into his office.

The herd had vanished down the tunnel in a matter of seconds. Arthur shook his head, turned his smile toward the empty rink, and pulled out his phone.

--

The locker room was a disaster.

“Don’t pull so hard!” Leo grunted as he fought to wriggle out of his jersey, hopping on one socked foot while Finn tried to help him out of his remaining skate. “I’m gonna fall, I’m gonna fall, Kasey—”

An elbow to the ribs righted him. “Yeah, no, I’m on my way out,” Kasey called over the ruckus, sandwiching his phone between his ear and shoulder. “Yeah, lemme get my shoes on. Al’s driving? Jesus, maybe I’ll just walk.”

“A tie is bad, right? That’s a bad gift?”

“T, I’m sure your dad will love anything you get him.”

“But I got him one for his birthday.”

Remus grimaced for just a moment, but it was enough. Thomas dropped his head into his hands with a groan.

“No, hey, it’s a good gift!” Remus tried, patting his shoulder. “Does he have a lot of ties?”

“He’s more of a sweater guy.”

“T.”

“I know, I know, I know.” Thomas sighed. His head fell back against his stall, then rolled toward Remus as his lip slid out in a pout. “I don’t even know where to start.”

Did Remus have to give him a minute with this one? He was a little afraid he did. “T,” he started. “Your dad likes sweaters.”

“Yeah.”

“So get him sweaters.”

“But what if he doesn’t like them?”

Remus took him by the shoulders and gave him a gentle shake. “He likes you.”

Thomas made a desperate sound and rolled his head the other way, then heaved himself upright. “I need to go outside. The cold clears my mind.”

“Way ahead of you!” Finn shouted over his shoulder, one hand clasped in Leo’s and the other on the doorknob with his skates teetering dangerously over his shoulder.

Leo hoisted their duffel bags, shuffling through the narrow doorframe with all the grace of a newborn giraffe. He gave them one last clumsy wave with a glove half-on. “Lo sends his love, even if he’ll never say it!”

“Yes, I’m coming,” Kasey laughed, presumably still to Natalie. He caught the door with his foot just as it was beginning to close; Remus grabbed the edge of it from him and waved off both his grateful look and mouthed thank you. “Yes, baby,” Kasey repeated. “Usual spot. On my way.”

It was a disaster, and then as fast as they had all tumbled in, everyone flooded out. A few of the newer guys remained, muffled by the hum of the showers. Dumo ruffled up Sirius’ hair as he passed, preoccupied by Celeste’s rapid-fire French on the phone and the hustle of his light jog. Remus was pretty sure he caught some mention of the park; there was one near their house with a pond that froze around this time of year. He was a little surprised Logan wasn’t already staking his claim on it.

Sirius’ arm was around him before he even started to sit. It made for the perfect guide and counterbalance, settling him firmly on a denim-clad thigh with a kiss to seal it in seconds. “Hey,” Sirius mumbled against his shoulder blade.

“Hi, trouble,” Remus laughed.

Sirius hummed, obviously pleased, and gave him a squeeze around the waist. “That felt good.”

“Using your powers for evil?”

“Mhm.” Another pulse, this time with a cheeky pinch to his hip. “And you.”

Remus scoffed, swatting at him, but couldn’t help leaning back into his warmth all the same. He was lucky Sirius couldn’t see the heat of his face, too preoccupied with nuzzling his way across the span of Remus’ back to leave a kiss at the top notch of his spine before burying his nose in the divot below. Odd creature, that one. Remus liked him far too much. “What are you doing?”

“You smell good.”

“I haven’t showered.”

“I noticed.”

Remus bit the inside of his cheek for a moment. He gave the room a cursory glance—the stragglers were just finishing up, too engrossed in whatever wisdom James was bestowing on them to notice the graze of Sirius’ teeth over the arch of his shoulder. “I was thinking,” Remus started, then lowered his voice. “Was thinking we could do it at home instead.”

Sirius’ smile pressed bright and devious to his skin. “Yeah?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Am I invited?”

“Unless I’ve started using the royal ‘we’,” Remus teased, digging his elbow lightly back into the curve of Sirius’ rib.

His laugh was soft, but the pat to Remus’ outer thigh was perfectly heavy with promise. “Get your bag.”

News of their early departure had obviously reached the ears of the rest of the training staff, because the halls were stark in their emptiness on the way out, after many goodbyes to James and promises of dinner tonight. Remus had been dying for some actual holiday time—he had planned gifts months in advance, dedicated an entire Monday to wrapping, agonized over delivery times and game schedules and delays.

But he was craving the substance of it, the literal meat and potatoes of people coming over to ooh and aah at the ornaments over dinner by the fire. Most of all, he wanted some time that was theirs. A brief moment to enjoy the lights and the smell of fir with just himself, Sirius, and the dog. It had been…three weeks? More? Since they put the wreaths and boughs up around the house. He was pretty sure that was the last time they had been able to do holiday things that didn’t involve obviously sneaking off to get gifts for each other.

Sirius seemed to feel the same. They had hardly made it past the PT room before he was pulled into an empty hallway for a kiss that melted in his mouth like butterscotch. He hummed, pushing into it, but Sirius just took him by the hips and pressed him back against the wall. Okayokayokayokayokay came the giddy whirl of the end of his thoughts.

“This.” Sirius’ mouth moved against his jaw, threatening a mark above his pulse point. “This is what I was after.”

“Cancelling practice just to kiss me,” Remus said, breathless already. His throat caught at a flash of teeth under his ear. “So irresponsible.”

Sirius’ eyes were bright and playful. “And I’d do it again.”

They got away with another minute—or five—before footsteps sounded down the other hall. Remus took him by the hand and pulled him toward the parking lot at a brisk, tumbling clip, sneakers pattering on the floors Filch was waiting to wax until they were all gone for the break. Hooligans, he called them. It echoed in Remus’ head as he kissed Sirius stupid in the hall beside the display cases. If only he could see them now.

The air bit his face as soon as they stepped outside, hot and kiss-fresh. Remus could hear voices around the corner but Sirius’ hand was sliding ever-lower and he just—“There’s people!” he hissed, fighting his grin with a blind bat backwards.

Sirius was too fast. A firm grab made him hoot, startling a laugh from both of them. “The entire world has seen us making out in a car, loup,” he snorted. “I think that’s worse.”

It was only the Cubs, after all, and half a snowman wearing a disjointed collection of gear. Leo’s oh-so-subtle text must have done the trick to summon Logan out of his holiday relaxation. He had only flown in that morning after the Rangers’ last game, but he seemed plenty awake despite the journey.

“You’re making me cold just looking at you,” he argued, adjusting his beanie over Leo’s ears while Finn finished rolling the head beside them. “You’ve lived here for years, and still you forget a hat?”

“Merci, baby.” Leo tried to sound begrudging while he obediently bent to let Logan work, but it only came off as fond. Remus could relate.

“And Fish just lets you walk out of the house like this. Unbelievable. It’s snowing.”

“It wasn’t snowing when we left,” Leo pointed out. “I seem to remember a ha-ha, losers text informing us of the change.”

Logan’s tsk was sharp as black ice while he tenderly tucked Leo’s curls under the hat’s knitted edge and kissed each of his cheeks. “Completely frozen over,” he informed Leo. “You’re welcome.”

“Now you’re going to get cold.”

Whatever disbelieving expression Logan made was lost to Remus as Sirius ushered him around the back of the car, but his scoff was plenty audible. “I’m Canadian. I don’t get cold.”

Sirius’ forehead hit the steering wheel the moment their doors closed. “I want to be home,” he complained.

“You’re in the right place to get there.”

“I don’t want to drive.”

“I can do it.”

A pathetic sigh heaved his back and shoulders. “I don’t want to wait fifteen minutes.”

Remus tugged on the back of his hat. “Not that I’ll ever say no to a little New Year’s action, but I feel like we just covered why that’s not a great idea in broad daylight.”

Sirius groaned, grumbled, and turned the car on.

Between salt and the morning commute, the roads were mostly clear. The familiar crunch of snow under tires pulled half of Remus’ brain from the rink; the other half followed at a sluggish pace, coaxed away by radio carols and the mindless chatter the two of them somehow managed in spite of spending eighty percent of their time together. The window was cold on the side of his head. Remus never liked freezing, but there was something about a snow day that always felt like home.

The house lights cast red and green glimmers over Sirius when they pulled in. They were working on getting decorations he liked; things he actually wanted, not just what Instagram said he should use. It wasn’t a lot yet, but it was a start. The icicle lights above the door had been a particularly good find.

They were greeted by a loud bark and the scrabble of paws. Hattie careened around the corner from the living room (she had taken to dozing under the tree) and spun herself at their feet in a few tight circles for maximum petting efficiency.

“We’re home so early!” Sirius cooed, gathering her wiggly body up in his lap like she was still tiny. “Oh, you’re so excited. Did we surprise you?”

“We were so mean to poor Coach,” Remus agreed as he dodged her lolling tongue. “Yes, baby, so mean, but now we’ll be home all day.”

Hattie keened and whined and nibbled on everything in reach for a tolerable thirty seconds, then launched herself out of Sirius’ lap and made a beeline for her toy box. She had hardly made it halfway to them when a cardinal flitted past outside—her ears spiked up, body puffing on a low bwoof. Remus barely got the screen door open before she was off like a bird-seeking missile, cutting through the snow in leaps and bounds.

They dumped their gear in the mudroom, made a snack, planned lunch, played with the dog, dried the dog, cleaned her paws, and finally—finally—they were standing in the same room, with nothing to do for another hour at least.

“Hi,” Remus said, heart kicking.

Sirius smiled. “Hello.”

Hattie’s teeth squealed on her peanut-butter-filled toy.

They wasted no time for foolishness on the stairs. A sweater on the ribbon-wrapped banister; socks in the hall. Sirius’ pants didn’t even make it across the bathroom threshold, belt clattering on the floor. Remus turned the shower on with his eyes closed because he quite simply could not be bothered to spare more than one hand.

“C’mere,” he murmured into Sirius’ mouth, even as he stepped backward under the spray. “C’mere, don’t move.”

Sirius’ response was wordless and perfect.

Steam built around them, chasing off the chill. The house was decorated. The presents were wrapped. Meals were planned, the dog was busy, and Remus was tired but he was so, so awake now, with ink-black hair wound around his fingers and a boy that held him so the hot water never left him.

Sirius rested his head on Remus’ shoulder and went lax at the drag of a soapy hand over his back. “So good.” His mouth rested at the curve of Remus’ jaw. Every word cooled his skin. “So good to me.”

“Doing my best,” Remus joked with a scritch to his nape.

Sirius raised his head, blinking sleepily around the water that spilled down his face. “I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t scrambling for gifts this time of year.”

“I do.”

“Mm?”

“Last year.” Remus smudged a few soap bubbles down the bridge of his nose. “Shopping for you.”

Sirius’ forehead wrinkled. “Me?”

“I was being cranky,” Remus assured him, running his thumbs over Sirius’ collarbones. He didn’t have a lot of soap left, but he would be shameless and greedy about touching like this. “Lily knocked some sense into me.”

“She’s good at that.”

“The best.”

“And she’s lucky to have you.” A kiss pushed the side of his hair into a cowlick; Sirius grinned as he smoothed it down with one hand. “Trop mignon.”

Hot hot hot hot hot. Remus wrapped both arms around his waist and sank his teeth into the knot of soft muscle above Sirius’ heart. Sirius’ laugh jostled him, but that was fine. He was used to it. “I love the holidays with you.” One last little kiss to his neck, to the spot he had bitten the other night and made Sirius’ leg tremble. “I love you.”

“I’m going to veto every single practice forever.”

“No,” Remus laughed, swaying them back and forth. He covered Sirius’ wicked smile with his hand and kissed the back of it. “No, non, not allowed.”

“But I get kisses and showers and I love you’s and dinner—” His hands skimmed up and down Remus’ sides, running over wet skin with the expertise of someone who knew all his soft spots. “—and you bite me and our dog loves us and we get to see James and Lily tonight—”

Remus cut him off with his lips this time. “Your perfect day,” he whispered, though it was just them in the house. “Sounds pretty close to mine.”

“Copycat.”

“Maybe we should just stick together,” Remus offered. Sirius’ fingertips found his own, lacing together all too easily. “For maximum perfect-day concentration, you know.”

“Nothing else, of course,” Sirius agreed.

“Oh, nothing.”

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“I put mistletoe above our bedroom door when we were decorating.”

“Amateur. I put it on the ceiling above our bed.”

[doorstoplord]

Tis the season to remember “I’m Gonna Kill Santa Claus” is in my otherwise innocuous Christmas playlist

[firstdivisiongirl]

Day 7: Sugishita x Reader: Remind Me Why I Can’t Kill the Carolers?

@tsunderelover07 here’s another. Enjoy!

Christmas music is a polarizing thing.  Some people love it, others hate it.  Sugishita was one of those people who hated it.  It was just annoying to him.  Which wasn’t good since the town had tons of carolers coming door to door.

Every time they’d come to the door, he’d slam the door in their face and they would stop and leave.  Nothing too violent.  You actually found it funny.  But this one group.  Oh this poor group.  After he slammed the door, they stayed and kept singing.  He was so mad, he was ready to fight them.  “What are you doing,” you get up frantically from your comfy plush chair.

“I’m gonna fight,” he replied, getting ready.

“We talked about this, Kyotaro.  You can’t fight them or kill them.”

“Remind me why I can’t kill the carolers!”

“Because Umemiya and I would be upset and you don’t want that, do you?”

He sighed and made his way to the matching chair by yours in the living room.  He sat down and tried to ignore them by wearing headphones.  Thank goodness for Umemiya.  You didn’t want to have to hide the bodies of those carolers or explain to the police his motive was because he hates “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”

Please do not copy, modify, translate or repost my writing on other platforms. Comments, reblogs and likes are highly appreciated!

[writebackatya]

Bradford: I am pleased to report that F.O.W.L’s goal for total control of the world is progressing on schedule. But this is no time for celebration for there is still much for us to accomplish. It is imperative that you all complete this next task discreetly and efficently. I need you all to kidnap Santa Claus.

Rockerduck: …

Steelbeak: …

Phantom Blot: …

Gandra: …I’m sorry but do you think you can repeat that?

Bradford: Your next mission will be to kidnap Santa Claus both discreetly and ef-

Gandra: {trying to hold back laughter} Efficiently. Yeah. Yeah. I got that.

Black Heron: I’m sorry Agent Dee; do you find our evil plan amusing?

Gandra: I mean…it’s kinda hard to take Director Buzzard seriously when he’s standing up there saying we have to “kidnap Santy Claus”

Bradford: I didn’t say “Santy Claus” and this plan is not evil!

Steelbeak: I mean we are talking about kidnapping Santa Claus here

Bradford: And?

Steelbeak: Well he is the guy who decides who is naughty and who is nice

Phantom Blot: Who does that man think he is to decide whether my actions are good or bad!?

Rockerduck: I have to agree with Phantom Blot here. What’s considered good and bad is always changing. There were a number of things that I did and believed in back in my day that is considered bad these days and vice versa. The whole world is topsy-turvy now if you ask me

Phantom Blot: Do not side with me…

Gandra: Tough shit, Rockerduck. Slavery is bad. Gay marriage is legal. You’re just gonna have to live with it.

Bradford: Can we please get back on track?

Steelbeak: Right. Anyway, if we do this job we risk being put on the naughty list for life which I say sounds pretty evil

Black Heron: Steelbeak. Everything we do here is evil!

Bradford: No. No. Everything we do here is not evil. It’s all necessary work in order to achieve our end goal.

Gandra: …So what you’re saying is that our work is a necessary ev-

Bradford: I do not want to hear another sarcastic comment from you, Agent Dee!

Pepper: Well I love this task, sir! We’re gonna kidnap the Sandy Claus!! But sir. May I ask why? Is it because he gives out presents for free every December 24th and that goes against your capitalist utopia or is this like the thing with your grandmother where you’re mad at him and blaming him for your bad childhood?

Bradford: If there are no other relevant questions, will you all just go already!?

Black Heron: We’ll get it done, Bradford. By the end of the night, Christmas will no longer be!

Bradford: THAT IS NOT THE END GOAL HERE! Besides we’re not eliminating Christmas. It’s a profitable season

Gandra: Right. Go capitalism. Do you need us to capture the Easter Bunny while we’re out?

Bradford: What did I just tell you, Agent Dee!? Everyone just go and get me Santa Claus and bring him back alive

Steelbeak: So if we accidentally kill this guy will one of us become the next Santa?

Bradford: Leave. Now.

Pepper: I think that’s if we put on his coat, Steely. If that’s the case I vote Blotty to be the next Santa!

Bradford: EVERYONE LEAVE NOW!

[crazyw3irdo]

THAT FUCKING RULED

Nerdy Prudes Must Die come out on YouTube today!!

Also they've finished making Workin' Boys, and they've scheduled performances

sooooon !!!!

[howlsofbloodhounds]

1. best christmas song in your opinion

2. best egg recipe in your opinion

3. who is the one blorbo you would deep fry

1. I’m Gonna Kill Santa Claus.

2. Deviled eggs.

3. Killer.

[cuppimagines]

A Jolly Odd Christmas- Finale

It's been a year! I'm so so sorry, to all asking, personal matters got in the way and my mental health is at an all time low, so writing and publishing things was a massive chore for me. But it's Christmas, and I felt bad leaving this off on a cliffhanger for a year, SO I found my fic, finished it up, and wanted to finally bring the finale to the folks here who were waiting. I really, truly do hope you enjoy, and I hope your Christmas was lovely. Now we can finally see Krampus and Santa Claus settle things between each other with thanks to the reader!

<- Previous Chapter

The tension here was so thick you’d need a drill to even just breach the surface. The most kind, generous, jolly man in the world according to legends and he was driving this sleigh with a tired scowl on his face, while the man threatening to kill and eat you was looking away, breaking out into a cold sweat. And there you were, stuck in the middle cause neither man wanted to sit directly next to each other. 

“I can’t help but feel that part of this is my fault,” Mr. Claus spoke up. “This seems like a long time coming if I’m gonna be honest.”

“At least you’re self aware, prick,” Krampus grumbled. 

“But were you so desperate to be around a human again that you wanted to kidnap arm candy for yourself? I have these rules set for a reason.”

“Ohh, here we go, but who made the rules, and who in fact agreed to these rules? I certainly didn’t! And a lotta folks on my side of town didn’t! That’s why they’re even there in the first place.” Mr. Claus took one hand off the reins to rub his temple, letting out a long, deep sigh. 

“Think I’ve been avoiding this for too long, so long that now there’s a third party in the picture,” he said, gesturing to you.

“I feel bad being in the middle of all this,” you winced. “Krampus you told me some stuff, Jack Frost told me-”

“You MET Jack Frost?! And you’re alive?” Mr. Claus looked at you, a bit surprised. “I thought he was going to have as much fun killing you as one of those other little yes men that follow Krampus.”

“Oh you would know a thing about yes men wouldn’t you?” Krampus chuckled, more of an angry miffed chuckle than anything. “And goes to show just how much you forget the personalities of your own fuckin friends while you’re sitting all cozy up there on your red and white fur lined throne!”

“You’re being so cocky for a man who was planning to fucking eat this person if they wouldn’t fuck you,” Mr. Claus snapped.

“I never ever insinuated that and you know it! Dating doesn’t always have to include sex you old fuck!”

“You’re the same fuckin age as me!”

“Guys…” you gently spoke up. “Can we do this after we get off a moving vehicle in the sky? It’s bad enough I have to be in the middle of this, but in the middle of this while the ground is so far away…!” Mr. Claus sighed, looking away from the two of you, but then back on the reindeer.

“...I’m terribly sorry,” he said. “I don’t mean to get angry, you’re just the result of a few centuries long tension…and I want to clear some things up when we get to my place.” You saw the giant manor in the distance get closer and closer, you knew you were almost there, so you just sat in silence and waited. And now the silence was even more awkward between you three. Maybe it would’ve been better if they just kept bickering…but you’d be worried that one of them would throw the other off the sleigh…

Once you got off, Mr. Claus almost instinctively wrapped an arm around you, but this time, you nudged yourself away from him. 

“Sorry, last time I saw you in person you were uh…just a disguise.”

“That was you wasn’t it?” Mr. Claus glared over at Krampus, who just scoffed and shrugged.

“It worked pretty good,” he replied. “And knowing you for so long, nobody suspected a goddamn thing.” Mr. Claus let out a scowl. Once the reindeer got their harnesses off, they sprinted off in a few directions, with one prancing up to you just to lean down. You expected just a nuzzle or a lick, but then it whispered at you.

“You’re in for a long haul pal, if you need a quick out, just find one of us,” it whispered. That…weirded you out briefly, but not more than anything else around here, so you just nodded and kept that in mind as it pranced off into the fields. You might need to take that offer, because you walked behind the two just…feeling tense and unsure the entire walk up to the manor. 

“Alright, so, now that I’m not driving anything, I can explain myself,” Mr. Claus said. “This has been a long time coming, but I was worried about this information going public. The reason I made this change admittedly is…rather selfish.”

“Glad to know I was right about that this whole time,” Krampus sneered. 

“I’m not done talking, let me finish,” Mr. Claus held up a finger, as the door to his manor opened up. If it wasn’t for the weird mood in the air, you’d be absolutely stunned at the decor inside. Bright and cheerful, a chandelier hanging above the foyer that bathed the room in a beautiful golden light, the dark wood floors with a massive round red rug, and there was a faint sound of classical music coming from somewhere in the mansion to give it a bit of atmosphere. 

“Uh…beautiful place here,” you spoke up. “It’s really nice.” Mr. Claus broke a smile when he heard that, looking back at you.

“Oh thank you, this was a lot of hard work in the making, but I’m rather happy with how it turned out,” he said. “Now that we’re inside, I can explain everything on the way to my study.” Mr. Claus traveled up the steps, Krampus begrudgingly following behind with his arms crossed, and you just…standing behind in silence to listen.

“It’s been a couple centuries, so this better be a good explanation,” Krampus said.

“Hopefully this will make you understand, but not sympathize, with my reasoning,” Mr. Claus said. “I wanted to talk to you about this for a long time…but I feel bad for hurting a friend, and many other people with my dumb decision.”

“Does that mean you’re just gonna allow him and others to…you know…” you asked.

“No, no we’re never going back to that. Times have changed, children deserve to be respected like they’re people instead of things to be owned and traded. I had to learn that the hard way when…” Mr. Claus let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. 

“So…Krampus, old pal,” he said. “Do you remember the winter of 1789?” 

“Actually…yeah, yeah I do, that was when you were pretty broken up about something,” Krampus answered. “What about that time was so significant?”

“Well…I met someone…” he mumbled. “I know I shouldn’t be catching feelings for a human, but I guess I was vulnerable, and she was sweet…very very sweet…” Mr. Claus seemed to be clutching something in his left pants pocket. “And she had a son. He wasn’t very well behaved, I could imagine it was hard for a single mother to take care of a child that rambunctious…”

“So that’s why you vanished every so often with no word,” Krampus sneered. 

“Yes, yes I did vanish, I was acting as a stepfather of sorts,” Mr. Claus replied. “For being so rambunctious and rowdy, he was such an adorable kid…” Mr. Clause smiled and laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh of joy. It was sad, longing. Missing someone. 

“I never should’ve told Holly who I was…” he sighed. “Maybe I could’ve lied long enough…”

“Wh-what do you mean lie long enough…?” you asked. There was a pit in your stomach. You were afraid of where this was going to go. Mr. Claus paused in front of a rather large double door, before opening it, just by touching it. The doors slowly opened to a massive study, with shelves long and high of multiple scrolls. All scrolls were marked with a year, and the sheer size made your head spin. But one caught your eyes. They were all a soft pale yellow-ish white, possibly due to the fact that they were all made with handmade paper. One however was gray, almost black. Like it was burnt. 

“I tried my best, I thought I was a good stepfather for the brief year I was with her and her son…I really did love her…” he sighed. “I wanted him to behave so so badly, but when the time came and I checked the list, and I swear I checked it twice, I checked it thrice….” Mr. Claus snapped his fingers, and that same gray scroll floated down, right into his hands. 

“What was the kid's name…?” Krampus furrowed his brow. You looked at him and noticed that he did actually look guilty. Genuinely so. 

“Levi Eascott…” Mr. Claus said. “I remember that name even today. He looked just like his mother…” Mr. Claus had his back turned to both you and Krampus, but from his hunched stature and the way his body was shaking, he seemed to be holding back tears. 

“He was taken, I never found out who did it…I didn’t want to know…” he sobbed. “But the Christmas after, Holly looked at me like a monster….she didn’t want me to come near her. I wasn’t an innocent man that night and that’s what makes my guilt hurt even more…” Krampus was shaking too, and not because he was crying. He started to laugh. 

“So…all this because of one mom, and one kid?” he chuckled. “You weren’t at all guilty before this, until it happened to be someone you grew attached to eh?”

“I KNOW!” Mr. Claus’s voice was loud, room shaking, it nearly made you lose your balance just from the sheer power behind it. 

“I was selfish! Every child kidnapped, eaten, made to stew, lost in the forest…” he continued. “They were all someone’s child. Loved, and now they can never, ever have a second chance of becoming a better person…” Mr. Claus turned to look at the two of you, but was looking more so at Krampus. Tears were fogging his glasses up, and his face was twisted into the expression of a truly pathetic, grieving man. 

“Things had to change…” he tried to gain his composure. “I know it was selfish but I did not want those under me to be responsible for another life lost before they had a true chance to live…you’re free to continue to hate me. This is the longest we’ve ever spoken to one another in decades, and I understand if you’d never want to speak to me again. After all…you’re technically out of a job because of me…I’m sorry Krampus…my old friend…” There was a long, uncomfortable pause. You looked to Krampus, to Mr. Claus, and then down at your own feet. The atmosphere was like that of the end of a funeral. It hurt, it hurt a lot more than you expected.

“Nicky, pal,” Krampus spoke up. “I can’t say I’m not mad at you anymore. But…I always knew you had a softer, doughier side to you.” He walked up to Mr. Claus, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“But you’ve neglected a few folks who are still sour about that sudden change, and it’s been so many fucking years, all you do is ignore us,” Krampus said. “It’s like you’re still grieving.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever not grieve…” Mr. Claus replied.

“I know that lady, Holly, was she? She died thinking you were some monster. But I think you more than proved you’re willing to change,” Krampus said.

“Mr. Claus…” you spoke up. “I know I shouldn’t be one to talk. You’ve lived so much longer than I ever will…but I can say, you have to find a way to move on. You can’t undo your mistakes, but please…” You also approached, and grabbed onto his hand. He looked at you with a bit of surprise at the sudden motion.

“Please Mr. Claus…” you muttered. “I know you want to take care of however many children there are in the world right now, but also take care of the people here too. Find a way to make things right. I don’t know how, probably never will, but mend the relationships you have now, and probably will have for a long time…” 

“I…” Mr. Claus looked down at you, then over to Krampus. His eyes furrowed with frustration and sadness. Not at anybody else in the room except for himself. 

“After business is over and done with, I’m going to hold a conference, I think cutting half of the population off from the rest of the world was…well it was a bad idea…”

“Well thank fuckin heavens you’re realizing that now, only took me being a total asshole for you to get it through your thick fuckin skull!” Krampus tapped the side of Mr. Claus’s head when those last three words were uttered. “And you’re taking me too!”

“First, let me just say here, I’m terribly sorry, terribly terribly sorry…” Mr. Claus frowned. “An apology isn’t enough, in fact it’s just step one. I want to make things right, it’s foolish of me to only want to do that when you take a few steps too far.”

“Does that mean I can at least keep the human?” Krampus looked at you, but you crossed your arms and huffed at that request.

“Absolutely not,” Mr. Claus poked the dead center of Krampus’s chest. “But…well, um, you dearie.” He turned to you.

“This is something I’d never thought I’d be doing, but I consider this extending an olive branch to my dear long time friend. So…how would you like to visit on occasion? Not often, once a year. The only caveat to that is that you must never, ever, ever tell anybody you know where you go once a year.”

“Well…uh…” You thought about it for a moment. This was an opportunity that initially, you could never even dream of. Something this magical, fantastical, something you couldn’t believe. It would be absolutely stupid of you to say no.

“I accept your offer,” you nodded. “I wanna see this place when you try and fix stuff with the people here, Mr. Claus.”

“Then it’s settled!” The doors to the room opened, letting in an odd amount of cold air, and stepping in was Jack Frost, an uncharacteristically big smile on his face as he approached the group.

“Oh it’s been so long! It’s great to see you two settling things like grown men, practically brings a tear to my eye!” Jack Frost grinned. “I wanted to join in and reunite with my old buddies!”

“Piss OFF you lazy geezer!” Krampus yelled. “You didn’t earn your right to join us!”

“Oh just let him, we’ll have a nice, long discussion later,” Mr. Claus held his head in his hand, while Jack Frost walked up to both men to give them kisses on their cheeks, which left a small thin layer of frost on both of them as he did. 

“I think for now, it’s high time we take the human back home, this will be very energy costly, but I’ll just keep some lights off around the manor for a few days because of that,” Mr. Claus rubbed his hands together. “I can handle walking around with a candle for that long.”

“So…how do we get me back home?” you asked. 

“First, we take you to bed.” 

“Take me to bed??”

“Cmon tiny! Beddy time!” At that, Krampus lifted you up off your feet, carrying you caveman style with him. “Hey, you renovated quite a bit here big guy, where’s your bedroom?”

“Same as it’s always been,” Mr. Claus said. You were led by all three men up to a bedroom. A massive, sparkling, cozy bedroom with a bed larger than life with plush red blankets. 

“Let’s get you into some comfier clothes too,” Jack Frost snapped his fingers, and like he had worked his magic before, he placed you in an old unisex Victorian nightgown. Rather long, but not uncomfortable, definitely cozy enough to sleep in. It was awkward being laid down in bed by three men all at once and tucked in, but not any more awkward or odd than the few things you’ve been experiencing this entire time. 

“So…how does this work?” you asked as you pulled the covers up. 

“You lay there, you fall asleep, and you wait,” Mr. Claus said. “If you were awake during any of this as a human, the headache caused by the sudden rush of magic would probably make your brain bleed out your nose.” Oh.

“I’ll assist in helping you fall asleep,” Jack Frost placed both his hands on the sides of your heads. “Close your eyes and relax, okay?”

“I’ll assist by shutting the fuck up,” Krampus gave one final thumbs up, and you just closed your eyes, waiting for something to happen. You could sense the chilling fingers of Jack Frost on your head, but they steadily grew warmer, and with that you felt a deeper sense of comfort and ease. 

“Hey uh, before you finally fall asleep-”

“You said you were going to shut up.”

“Let me SPEAK Geezer! Anyway uh…I’m sorry for bringing you here, but thanks. You just being here helped me see a friend I haven’t seen in a long, long time.”

“Krampus…I love you so much. I really did miss you…”

“I missed you guys too! The three of us! Back together as pals!” There was a smile on your face as your consciousness slowly drifted off. Even if this was all a dream or a hallucination, or a vision while you were in a coma, it was all a nice once. Odd, dangerous a few times, but an experience you were sure was unique to you as a human. You wanted to thank them, but your mind was already drifting off, and before you knew it, you had fallen into a deep, deep sleep…

—

You shot up out of bed. It was midnight, the snow was raging outside, and you took a look over at the alarm on your phone as a notification got it to light up. It was exactly three weeks till Christmas. You assumed what all that was was a dream. A long, elaborate, at times erotic dream. All those adventures were nothing but your imagination going wild. That is, until you looked down at what you were wearing to bed. 

A Victorian unisex nightgown…

None of that was a dream. You’ve never owned anything like this before in your life.

There was a knock at your bedroom door. The knob slowly turned, and the door creaked open bit by bit. Anybody else would be afraid, scared some dangerous home intruder was coming into your home. But you felt it wasn’t the case. This was something far more different.

“Heyyyy there baby~!” Krampus had opened the door, leaning against the frame with a cheeky grin and his massive, longer than life tongue hanging from his mouth. “I heard a very very special little human was on the nice and naughty list, all at the same time~! Now how did you manage to do that?” Following right behind, Mr. Claus had a coy smirk on his face, and was dressed in a red silk robe, tied tightly around his rather large gut, with his white chest hair peeking out from the bright red fabric. 

“Krampus talked me into this,” he said. “It’s been a long, long time since either of us shared a little human as a plaything. Of course, this time, you can say no any time you want.”

“A little magic soundproofed this entire room~!” Krampus slowly approached. “So you get to scream all you want without anybody else hearing~!” Your eyes went wide, your expression flushed, but with a silent, excited nod and a smile on your face, you started to take off your nightgown, but Krampus stopped you.

“Ah ah ah, remember what I said to you when we first met?” he asked. “3 or 4 whacks for nearly breaking my nose!” Oh…oh yeah. Krampus sat on the bed, patting his lap, and you quickly obeyed him by laying on your stomach in his lap. 

“Good…good, doing what you’re told~!” Mr. Claus waved his finger, and as he was about to sit, a chair appeared under him to rest. “It’s been so long, I wanna really see a master at his work.” He had a similar coy, devilish smile on his face to Krampus, as if you were yet again staring at Krampus in disguise as him. 

“Alright, let’s start the count!” Krampus raised his hand, holding you firmly yet snugly with his other, and with a swift motion, you felt a sharp SMACK across your ass, causing a tiny yelp to come from your throat. 

“Hey! You were supposed to count to one!” Another sharp smack. “I said count, next time I better hear you count.” At the third smack, you yelped, but you very quietly began to speak up.

“Th-three…” you moaned.

“No no, we’re starting over, this next spank is your new first one. Now then…”

SMACK!

“O-one…!”

SMACK!

“Twoooo…”

SMACK!

“Th-th-threeeee…”

“Oh lemme see how red you’re getting~!” Mr. Claus approached to grab your nightgown, lifting it up to expose your absolutely bright glowing red ass for the both of them. Once the breeze hit you, you realized that Jack Frost didn’t leave any underwear down there for you, the cheeky bastard. You were completely bare and exposed once the gown was lifted. 

“Hooo wee! Good lord you’ve got the perfect ass for this!” Krampus cheered. “I could make this thing as red as your big stupid suit, old man!” 

“Now now, can’t keep being this harsh, gotta be gentle too,” Mr. Claus knelt down in front of you, gently stroking your face. Tears stung the corners of your eyes from the force of Krampus’s large, hardened hands, but from the way your legs rubbed together, and the way your cheek nuzzled into Mr. Claus’s hand, you were more than happy to accept your “punishment.”

“Ohhh baby look at you,” Mr. Claus smiled, kissing you gently on the forehead. When he pulled back, the smile was just as sinister as it was earlier.

“I love that look in your eyes, how submissive you’re being for both of us. Ohhhh how I truly, honestly missed this!” You could feel Krampus’s hands rub and squeeze your ass, moving down in between your thighs, gently spreading them apart before rubbing a calloused finger against you. He was going slow, his touch a lot softer against your increasingly wet entrance. Your legs twitched, toes curling at the sensation, you went to reach up to grab hold of Krampus, grabbing onto his rather built, muscular arm he was using to hold you down.

“Heh, trimmed my claws just for this sweetheart~” Krampus purred. “How about thankin’ me?” 

“Th-thaaaank you…thank you Krampussss….” you whined, bucking your hips against his hand. Mr. Claus took that chance to lean in for a nice, pleasant, soft kiss against your lips, grabbing the back of your head to keep you pressed firmly against his lips. He had such a lovely, pleasant odor. He smelled like cloves, cinnamon, a hint of cocoa…You moaned against his lips, savoring the kiss oh so lovingly. When both men pulled away, you kicked your legs a bit in protest, trying to pull Mr. Claus back in while bucking your hips at nothing. 

“Hey hey, patience, dollface!” Krampus gave you a less harsh spank on the rear to try and discipline you. “Get up, lay down and keep your head on the edge of the bed.” You got up with Krampus, and went to crawl back on the bed, with your head leaning just off the edge. You were curious about what they both had planned, and while upside down, you kept on glimpsing at Mr. Claus as he took off the robe, letting it fall off his body onto the floor. For a man who you assumed physically is quite up there in age, he had quite the body. A massive, burly, big bellied frame, his entire body covered in curly white hair that contrasted against his dark skin. He was actually just as, if not more muscular than Krampus by taking a look at his pretty sizable arms and biceps, and to complete all of that, he was very, very bottom heavy, his thighs probably twice, or three times your own size, with a very thick, fat, but short cock dangling between his legs. You had hoped you hadn’t started drooling looking at Mr. Claus disrobe, but he seemed to notice a dazed, mesmerized expression on your face, and couldn’t help but chuckle under his breath. A very soft, subtle “ho ho ho~!” Of course. 

“You know you don’t just have to stare, how well can you hold your breath, gumdrop?” Mr. Claus approached you, at first straddling your face with his massive, plush thighs, before he fully got comfortable as he sat completely on your face. Oh no, oh he was right, this was a really tight, snug spot to be in, but you were sure you could take this.

“Hey now, don’t suffocate this one, I don’t wanna lose a human to your fat ass,” Krampus sneered, though you heard it very muffled from your position.

“Oh hush,” that was all Mr. Claus said, as his breath caught in his throat and his shoulders shot up suddenly. He was surprised at how quick you were getting to him, tongue already licking up and down his hole, licking circles around it and giving his ass quick, excited kisses. 

“Ohhhhh fuck you learn fast!” he moaned. “Fuuuucking hell you’re good at this I can tell~!” 

“I bet you missed that feeling huh, gramps?” Krampus climbed up in between your legs, bringing his face downwards, with his tongue falling out of his mouth. You couldn’t see it, but you could feel him. You could feel the rough palms of his hands digging into your flesh as they held your thighs open, the warm unfamiliar wetness that licked down your stomach, and slowly reaching in between your legs. His tongue was loooong, and dexterous in a way that made you dizzy when you felt it push past your entrance and lick as deep inside of you as it could go. Your moans were muffled under the thighs and ass of Mr. Claus, but your squirming was evident of the pleasure you felt from Krampus’s tendril of a tongue.

“Hey uh…oh fuck, keep doing whatever you’re doing to them…!” Mr. Claus moaned, grinding himself against your face so hard you could feel your neck aching trying to support all of that weight. Mr. Claus reached down, gripping his cock with both hands to jerk himself off, while his ass swayed back and forth against your face, grinding and shaking and thrusting, while Krampus got to work with his tongue exploring every inch it could inside of you. You could feel his tongue curling and shifting and bunching up inside you, moving in ways that felt oh so odd and oh so good all at once. 

Eventually, you locked your legs together, even surprising Krampus with how tight you kept a grip on his head, keeping him there to the point where his nose was pressed into your crotch. With him that deep inside you, your hips bucked against his face more and more feverishly, your head buzzing and spinning with pleasure. With how deep you could feel Krampus’s tongue your own tongue seeming much more small and feeble in comparison, even though Mr. Claus was moaning as loudly as you wanted to in this moment. 

You could feel Krampus wanting to pull away, he didn’t want you to cum so quickly, but you didn’t allow him. Even though he was way, way stronger than you and could easily pull you off of him, he let you more forcefully keep you there as you came against his face. He easily let you ride out your orgasm on his face, while Mr. Claus let out a sudden gasp, and at that second something very warm and wet hit your chest, staining the top half of your nightgown.

“Can…can you still breathe down there…?” Mr. Claus finally let go of you, and by then most of your body went limp as you tried to catch your breath. 

“Oh…I can…I can breathe…” you panted, giving a shaky thumbs up. “H-holy shit…”

“Hey now, you sound like you’re done, we’ve still got some energy left!” This time, Mr. Claus was the one manhandling you. He helped you off the bed, only to grab you and bring you down to your knees, right in front of him. Even though his cock was dripping from his orgasm, it stood back at full mast, erect and twitching with excitement. You opened your mouth up wide, tongue falling out of your mouth in anticipation. Mr. Claus was gentle with you, holding his cock in his hands before with a few slow, careful thrusts filled up your mouth and throat with his cock. It wasn’t long, but it was nice and thick, so you didn’t gag, but your jaw stretched and ached as you bobbed your head up and down against him. 

You closed your eyes, allowing yourself to relax and listen to Mr. Claus’s deep, shaky moans and gasps, but your eyes immediately shot back open when you felt your entire bottom half lift off the ground. Krampus had grabbed you from behind, a wicked smile on your face as his cock slapped against your back. Oh no, oh that felt massive…

“Ooo wee, looks like it might not fit…” Krampus whistled in surprise. “Ahhh fuck it, I’m sure I can make it fit~”

“Be…oh god…be careful Krampus…” Mr. Claus moaned, gently grabbing a fistful of your hair. 

“Oh as if you were careful when you parked your fat fucking ass on them and nearly suffocated this poor little human~!” Krampus purred. “I know they can take it~!” He made sure to have a nice, tight grip on your legs and hips, and your arms tried their darndest to wrap around Mr. Claus, but your grip tightened considerably when, in one fell thrust, Krampus managed to shove every last long, thick, veiny inch into you. The force of his thrust only cause your face to press right up against Mr. Claus, your moans yet again muffled under his weight. 

“I told you~! I can make it fit!” Krampus moaned, the force of his thrust every single time forcing you to bump up against Mr. Claus, drooling and gagging on his cock while your lower stomach bulged from the size of Krampus inside of you. 

Both men made sure to keep a tight grip on you, completely spitroasting you between the two of them and treating you like a sturdy, durable fleshlight. 

“Ohhh I really missed this…!” Mr. Claus moaned. “I missed this so so fuckin much…!” In the heat of things, he leaned in as close as he could to Krampus, grabbing him by one shoulder to pull him in for a kiss. A deep, longing kiss that shocked Krampus just from the sudden force of it. But that seemed to make their hips move faster and harder, any harder and they would crumple you between them. Mr. Claus kept one hand off of you, instead using that to keep Krampus pulled into the kiss. It was almost like during that kiss both men forgot about you down there, and just saw you as the toy they were sharing between them. You could feel your thighs growing slick from each thrust, while drool trickled down your chin and your brain felt scrambled each time Mr. Claus’s hips bucked against your face. 

“Fuck…fuck fuck fuck…!” Krampus pulled from the kiss, hips growing more erratic, hungrier, more feverish. Both men were in a pleasured, excited daze, pushing your body past its limits. 

“I-I’m gonna cum, sugarplum…just tap me if you wanna pull away, at any time…!” That was a warning from Mr. Claus. Both men were close, very close, and you were ready for both of them to cum at any time, and yet you didn’t stop or urge either of them to stop. Mr. Claus was waiting for your warning, a sign that he needed to pause to let you breathe, but he gasped and cried out in pleasure when a rush of semen filled your throat. Just mere seconds later you heard a loud, guttural roar coming from Krampus, and from both ends, you were absolutely stuffed to the brim. Your throat felt warm, your stomach felt warm, and the rest of your body went completely limp in response. 

The room was silent. Once you were let go, all that was audible was the shared heavy breathing from all three of you in the room. 

“H- ho ho holy shit…I need a breather…” Mr. Claus finally said. 

“Best night I’ve had in years…” Krampus moaned. “Thanks, to both of ya. It ain’t Christmas yet, but this might be the best gift I’ve gotten in forever…” Krampus scooped you up, and you just let him carry you, while you rested in his arms. Mr. Claus smiled and gave your cheek a small pat. 

“Come on, let’s get you to take a bath…” he said. “And uh…thank you. I should say it more to you, especially if you’re going to visit us more often.” Earlier you were convinced you were dreaming up this entire thing, but now, now you know better. None of your dreams felt this real, this sweet, this comforting. Somehow you just felt safe, at ease with both men helping take care of you after this. 

What a night…

—

And a night you could hardly forget by the time Christmas finally came around. In lieu of being with family, all of your closest friends came to your house for an all day Christmas party, where gifts and meals alike were exchanged. 

Your friends had all gathered, just as the afternoon came around, however the doorbell rang again. Huh? You had sworn everyone was here already.

“Coming! Coming!” When you answered the door, what greeted you was a group of men. A group of very familiar, but very human men, all of them were holding gifts and tupperwares of food. 

“Merry Christmas y/n!” the very short older man grinned. 

“I hope you don’t mind us stopping by!” the pale man with dark roots peeking out from behind his icy blue dyed hair exclaimed. 

“Oh? Oh are you friends with y/n?” one of your friends peeked out from behind you, curious about the new guests.

“We’re work friends!” one of the two large, muscular twins grinned, giving a thumbs up, while his darker haired twin started entering the house already. 

“Y-yeah! Work friends!” you nervously spat out, letting them inside once one of the twins let himself in.

“I hope we didn’t keep you waiting for too long, pipsqueak!” A tanned skinned, scruffy man chuckled, standing right next to a curly white haired older gentleman. Once everyone else’ back was turned, the white haired older man leaned down to whisper into your ear. 

“We took the time out to visit, I hope you don’t mind,” he whispered, before planting a big kiss on your cheek. You didn’t answer, but instead smiled at the group, letting them come in and already get friendly with the rest of your friend group. You probably weren’t going to have many normal Christmas celebrations for the rest of your life, but to be honest? You wouldn’t want it any other way at this point.

[sundewhasaudhd]

A few questions about Aspen!!

1.if you could make a playlist on Aspen what songs would you include?

2.What would their spirit animal be?

3.If Aspen ever encountered a genie what would he wish for?

4.How does Aspen feel towards their family?

5.Are they more of a beanies person or a Starbucks person?

6.Favourite lord in black?

7.If they could be a disciple for any of the lords in black (Webby included) who would it be?

8.Where would Aspens go to spot for hanging out be? (eg Beanies,library etc)

9.if they could only see one colour for the rest of their lives what would it be?

10.At what stage in Aspens life was it least happy in? And what stage were they the most happy?

11.Who would they say is their ride or die?

12.If a very high 14 year old boy asked Aspen to break into the Chastity household (totally not because Jack is scared of Grace) to steal all of their forks would they do it?

13.How would they answer the trolley dilemma (if you don’t know what it is it’s this hypothetical on if a runaway train is on course to collide with and kill a number of people eg right side has 1 person while the left side has 5 people down two separate tracks. The conductor is faced with the choice of either having 1 person killed or 5 I’m really bad at explanations sorry :(( )

14.Whats their biggest fear?

15.Whats something that people wouldn’t expect by them by just looking?

16.what parts of themselves does he tend to hide?

17.what kind of people do they gravitate towards?

18.What traits does Aspen dislike in people?

(You don’t have to answer all of the questions)

I’m actually currently working on an Aspen playlist, and this is it so far (with lots of song suggestions from my moots): Basics in Behavior by The Living Tombstone, Saint Bernard by Lincoln, Knife Fight by Lemon Demon, The Other Side Of Paradise by Glass Animals, First Love/Late Spring by Mitski, I’m Gonna Kill Santa Claus by Danny Gonzalez, Father by The Front Bottoms, Jim Bogart by The Front Bottoms, Brutus by The Buttress, and Sleepwalk by Forrest Day

\_•_•_/

Respect from his parents and Roman and Sheila, the ability to only eat his safe foods, and a hard copy of My Immortal (which, to my knowledge, doesn’t exist)

They fucking HATE the parents

They don’t really drink coffee (also, we boycott Starbucks on this blog)

POKEY

I mean, they’re already a Pokey disciple, so

Waylon Hall and Witchwood Forest

Blue

9-11, and probably 14-16

Their father (and by that I of course mean Wilbur)

100 per-fucking-cent

They’d let the five people die, cause that’s more murders done in the name of their Lords

Not being able to be useful for their Lords

They’re body count (in the murder way, NOT in the sexual way, no one be weird)

Their arms and most of their vulnerabilities

More alt looking people (less likely to get made fun of or condescended to)

Pretentiousness and condescension are the main two

@4rielle

[its-to-the-death]

Villain Song Showdown Preliminary Round #30

Top two will make it into the bracket

Songs below the cut

French Horn Trio/The Wolf’s Score - Villain: The Wolf

La Cebolla - Villain: La Cebolla

Your Love Will Kill Me - Villain: Frollo

I'm a Priest - Villain: Frollo

Bad Guy's Gonna Win - Villain: Crow

No More Toymakers to the King - Villain: Burgermeister Meisterburger (Banger from my childhood)

The Ballad of Striker - Villain: Striker

Klown Bitch - Villains: Glitz and Glam

Thunderstorm - Villain: Audrey Redheart

Attack at the Wall - Villain: Shan Yu

[rootbeermilktm]

Dndads Secret Santa 2024

RIP, Santa Claus (for @button-drop, thank you so much for your gift love! i’m obsessed. <3 )

When Scary answered the door she didn’t know who she was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the piss boy Lincoln Li Wilson. He stood with his hands shoved in his pockets, his brows furrowed and lips pressed tight which was NOT at all cute, wearing a soccer jersey and full cleats because what else would he be wearing.

“Linc? What are you doing here?”

“Hey Scary. Uh… Merry Christmas.”

“Yeah, Merry Christmas. Linc, what—”

“Scary, is that Lincoln?” Terry Jr. called from the dining room. Cutlery clinked as he helped clear the table of Christmas dinner.

“No, Terry!” Scary yelled back.

“It sounds like Lincoln,” Scary’s mom chimed in accusingly.

“Well, it’s not.” Scary grabbed Linc’s wrist and dragged him to her room before Terry Jr could offer him their Christmas leftovers like the embarrassingly polite try-hard he was. She tried not to concentrate on how skinny Linc’s still-growing wrist was. Beanpole was only gonna get taller, goddammit. Of course one of the only guys taller than her had to be this lame-ass. It was just her luck for Lincoln Li Wilson of all people to qualify as an acceptable height to date. The rain never stops in hell and for Scary it brings the fucking lightning.

Scary shut the door behind them and let go of Linc. She casually rubbed her hands on her black denim skirt.

“So,” Scary tossed her hands out and let them drop back down, slapping her sides audibly. “What’s up?” Tight smile. Casual.

“Nothing much,” Linc said, not looking at her. He did the little thing he does when he’s trying to not feel feelings, where he shakes his head minutely and shrugs his shoulders.

“So you came over to my house on Christmas for nothing,” Scary clarified.

“What, I can’t visit my spouse on Christmas? Is that a crime?” He studied the old soccer trophies on her dresser very attentively and Scary felt heat rise up her neck and to her ears. She wished she’d have just thrown those out already.

“Oh, so you’ve been to Norm’s and Taylor’s and Hermie’s?” she pushed.

“Hermie? God no,” said Linc.

“The others, then.”

“Look, Merry Christmas, Scary. That’s all I’m here to tell you.”

“Is that so.”

“Yep.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Arms folded across her sweater, Scary watched him watch the trophies. Eventually his eyes flicked to her for a moment before finding her cello. Coward. His fingers ran delicately along its long neck, tapping the strings occasionally to conjure a soft buzzing. Scary’s fingers tapped softly on her bicep.

With a sigh and an eye roll, Scary plopped down on her bed. It didn’t take long for Linc to drop down next to her. He still wouldn’t look at her.

“I like your sweater,” he said.

Scary looked down at the black sweater she was wearing. It had an image of Santa in the Family Guy pose and covered in blood stitched on it with the words ‘I killed Santa, you’re welcome.’

“Yeah, Terry Jr got it for me for Christmas.” She tugged at its bottom hem with her fingers. “Kinda weird.”

“Yeah, ‘you’re welcome’… I don’t really get it,” Linc said.

Scary slapped his shoulder with the back of her hand. “No, you dingus! Terry and Christmas. It’s weird.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“It’s like, my real dad doesn’t do Christmas. But now there’s like, some guy here doing Christmas. And it’s bad, right? Because he’s just some guy. But I don’t know, since the Black Parade and since I… since he… He’s Terry. And he’s doing Christmas. And it’s somehow more weird than bad? And that’s even weirder.” Now it was Scary avoiding eye contact, but at least she could feel his eyes on her now.

“My dads have been pretending to be Santa for my whole life.” And there went Linc’s eyes, right back to the trophies. Scary, however, was now looking at him utterly aghast.

“Linc, you just found out about Santa Claus?”

“I shouldn’t be surprised.” Linc did his little head shake/shoulder twitch again. “It’s not like my dad didn’t lie about literally everything else growing up.”

“You shouldn’t be surprised because a centuries-old man spying on every kid in the world to bring them all presents in one night via flying reindeer is creepy and crazy!” Scary exclaimed.

“No, Scam Likely was creepy and crazy! The jolliest, nicest, goodest person in the world who knows for sure that you’re a good boy and smells like candy canes and sugar cookies with a twinkle in his eye and who spreads goodwill and cheer is a perfectly reasonable person to exist!”

Scary just stared.

“Okay, maybe Santa was too good to be true. It doesn’t matter anyways. Good people don’t exist. What’s one more person my dad has killed? One more piece of my childhood he’s ruined?”

Scary looked down at her sweater and its murdered-Santa-ness. Fucking thanks Terry. She folded her arms across it again.

“Things used to be good and nothing’s like it was.”

Scary felt her stomach pang. Linc looked like such a sad loser, sitting on her bed next to her with his annoying eyebrows furrowed like that and his lips drawn so tense. She had the absolutely INSANE urge to hug him.

Instead she said, “Fuck dads.”

“Fuck dads,” Linc agreed.

They sat for a long while like that: Linc with his stupid eyebrows and lips, Scary with her dumb-ass sweater. Eventually, Linc sighed through his nose and dropped his head onto Scary’s shoulder. Scary rested her head on his. His hair smelled like grass.

“Merry Christmas, Scary.”

“Merry Christmas, Linc.”