#i’m going to scream and cry so much on october 27th | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

selfmadesuperhero · 4 years ago

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i’m very much not okay

and i’ll probably take very long for me to explain why

i don’t know how to write this. i don’t know where to even start. i’m here because i just don’t have anywhere else to go. i can’t afford therapy. i no longer have any close friends other than Mabu (gf).

it’s getting pretty bad inside my head

i know most people’s lives are hell this year and i’m not special. i know that. to me, this year is feeling like the last nail in my coffin because 2019 had already chewed me up and spit me out.

i kept my last job for eight years. after my first year there, another developer came in, and we became friends. we worked side by side less than 4 feet apart for six years. our hours were flexible but we always agreed upon our schedule just so work would be more bearable, because we both hated it and often had to team up against our boss’ downright abuse. it was a very small company (at its biggest we were only 7 employees). we were also going to graduate at the same time from the same school (different majors), so we had a bit of a pact to leave our shitty boss once we’d graduated and start developing our own, way less shitty games.

at the start of 2019, he got an excellent job offer. i was thrilled for him and told him to of course get out of that hellhole we hated so much, we were only there because the pay was decent and the hours were flexible so we could get our degree, you know? it stung, but i was happy for him. on the last day i gave him a ride home (which is also something i did almost daily), he surprised me by hugging me and telling me i was like a brother to him and our plans weren’t going to change.

i believed him, and went back to work. he was soon replaced, obviously, by a junior developer because that’s how capitalism works. but suddenly, i no longer had someone to take a stand with me against my boss - there was no one left that i knew, everyone had resigned or been fired and i was the oldest employee. you’d think that’d earn me something, after eight years being dedicated to the same company, right?

(shortly after, my grandma passed, after years and years of agonizing in a wheelchair. we lived together)

fuck that

the first months were fine. i was being the senior developer and teaching the junior constantly, so my boss stayed out of my way. but see, this is where he started to get ansty. the more the junior stopped being a junior and was actually useful for something, the more that piece of gigantic ass just started thinking only about our salaries. i started in that company in 2012 making little more than 3 bucks/hour (remember i live in a third world country, but it was still specialized work), but by 2019, my salary was pretty much double of what the junior was making, and every penny extra i got during those years was a CONQUEST. i also worked six hours while he worked eight, so.

my boss basically started treating me even more like shit. he wasn’t nice to be around before, but he was bearable in small amounts. suddenly it was obvious to everyone that he was really fixating on me and my performance, and to me it was obvious he just wanted me to walk away too so he could replace me with TWO junior developers instead of just one measly charlie.

then, the nationals elections began. oh boy.

this probably wouldn’t read as news to anyone, but i’m a huge leftie, obviously. if you’re at all interested in politics, read about what socialist policies have done for uruguay during the past 15 years and how they turned us into AT LEAST a developing country, but i digress.

the people that sat in my office even shared my political views or whatever, but my boss is actually part of the conservative party and started actively campaigning. every time something involving politics happened, he made a point to come barging in the office and telling me and specifically me about it like i was personally running against his party. i actually recorded him once to have proof of him at least screaming at me, so i could check if i was crazy for thinking he had something against me. he frequently called me communist and just mocked my views. if you’re wondering, yes, this is illegal, but nothing happened.

then, two big things happened at once: we lost the election, and my recently adopted puppy was diagnosed with distemper. yes, it happened on the same that and it’s a day i’ll never forget.

my girlfriend and i had talked about getting a puppy once we moved in together. we’d named him like two years before it actually happened. we moved in together on may 2019 and on september i found the most precious boy for adoption on facebook and i was innocently all like “oh i’ve had to put rescue dogs for adoption before, let’s give back!”.

on october 27th, he had a seizure and the vet told us it was likely we’d have to put him down because only 20% of dogs survived, and it was even less for puppies.

when i went to work, i had to put up with my boss laughing and mocking me for winning the election “against me”. i guess i missed my running for anything?

this post is already too long for me to get into details about my dog’s disease. for months, every day we looked after him constantly. i read everything there was to BE READ about distemper online, spent thousands of pesos on medicine and treatments just in case he had a chance. good news is he did! this is the only positive note in this post.

it still wasn’t easy. he made us cry at least three times a day. we really thought he was dying, and we’d made the mistake of naming him 2 years before he was even born. we’d taken PERFECT care of him while he was unvaccinated, but the vet told us it was most likely he was already infected before he came home to us. i’d never seen such a small puppy so sick. he hallucinated constantly. if you don’t know, distemper is a neuro/digestive/skin/bone/HELL disease that’s really nasty. he’d have seizures almost daily and poop and pee himself. he stopped being able to control his body other than his two front legs, which he didn’t even have full control of. when he stopped being able to walk, he started crying constantly, it really tore the heart out of my chest

we called another vet, a dog physical therapist, so she’d tell us how we could help him. she told us to make him stand as long as possible, so every time he had a meal, i’d bend down with him and hold his hips - so he’d be able to stand, and slowly gain back some muscle mobility. every day we massaged his legs and flexed his joints, even his tiny toes, so he’d avoid atrophy. and we did it!! as i’m writing this, he’s one year old now, he’s no longer sick even if he’ll carry with him plenty of lifelong sequels, and he walks and runs and barks like the best of them ♥ i wasn’t going to plug anything but if you wanna see his progress, it’s on instagram @hamiltonthefighter

okay, i guess i ended up talking at length about his disease in the end, sorry. his walking again had a price to pay for me: my own back. for two or three months i was bent over this dog, you know? i still can’t get out of bed without help sometimes lol around december it got really bad but i just kept popping pills because joy oh joy, i was doing my thesis and i didn’t really have time or money for anything else. my job was basically paying for our rent, my university classes including the thesis course which was ridiculously expensive, and our dog had given me credit card debt out of desperation (we even had to buy those rubber things used for yoga to place on our floors so he’d have something to use his nails against instead of constantly slipping on the floor, we tried every medication that might help, we gave him CBD oils, all kinds of vitamins, constant vet visits where during the first two weeks he got like three different shots every day, etc)

i’m rambling, and i’m sorry, but i don’t really think anyone will read this. i started this post crying my eyes out and writing about my dog at least has been calming, because even if he’s a drooling mess now, he’s still the same he ever was and i love him very much and he’s sleeping soundly next to me and he’s finally close to fine.

remember the friend i talked about like half an hour ago? the one that worked with me for six years? nothing changed between us during the first months. for my thesis, i was going to develop a videogame with Mabu, but we were allowed to have external coding help because it was about GameDev, not the actual coding. i knew how to code, obviously, but Nico (the friend, guess we’ll give him a name) was also part of our project so he was gonna help us code so i had more time to focus on art and 3D modelling. the idea was kill two birds with one stone, make something we all liked, mabu and I were going to graduate with it and then we’d keep working on it during 2020 as we’d always always talked about.

by december, even if nico and i still talked regularly, i could tell he had just moved on with his life. he’d said he’d help us, but he was doing his own thesis, so i told him not to worry at that time, our final due date was in february. he asked us to forgive him during december and promised us he’d come back in january to DEVOTE himself to the project. i started coding the project besides working on the art and i was thankfully able to meet all the deadlines, so it was really fine, of course i understood where he was coming from.

then, on january 7th, Mabu’s grandma passed away. she was scheduled for a heart surgery that supposedly only had 1% risk, and she passed on the table because of a doctor’s mistake. the surgery was here in the capital, but Mabu’s family lives five hours away. she comes from a very big, very loving family, and her grandma (being the mother of five children) was very much the center of it. i also loved her. she’d replaced my grandma the second she passed and every time i saw her she hugged me like i was a lost grandson.

when my girlfriend called me during her surgery, i immediately left work because i just knew she would be crying if things were okay. this was a nightmare come alive for a family of 20+ people, and most of them were 5 hours away from their own house. my mother in law was (and still is) devastated by the lost of her mother because she was the one to encourage the surgery and she still thinks she killed her. i drove my her, my girlfriend, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend on my mother’s in law van for five hours while they all cried or slept and i had to really, really pinch myself because i was EXHAUSTED but what else could i do?

logically i missed work the next day. LOGICALLY. i had the service to attend and i was 5 hours away from the office and i didn’t even have my own car with me. i told my boss to discount the day, since i wasn’t entitled to the mourning day by law because it wasn’t my grandma. he didn’t even reply - he almost never talked to me by this point unless it was to berate me for something. i went back to work the day after the service.

now, remember we were doing our thesis and it was due in february? it really wasn’t great timing for anyone to die, but i was trusting Nico’s promise that he’d have more free time and he’d make up for not helping us code sooner. i told him the news about Mabu’s grandma, and then basically had to tell him to say something to her for her loss because he was supposed to be her friend, what the fuck, why aren’t you at least sending her a text.

let’s just say, january wasn’t a great month for Mabu and myself. two weeks after the passing, we still hadn’t had news from Nico. Mabu didn’t even have time to properly mourn because we had to turn our thesis in like, little over a month. i wrote to nico just downright ASKING if he was gonna be able to help us or WHAT, to which he said to me...

he’d never promised anything because he was really busy with his own stuff and he didn’t want to bring it up sooner because he knew Mabu was mourning and things were hard for us at the moment?

like that’s great pal, thanks for telling me at the last POSSIBLE second you were just dropping out altogether, what the actual fuck? it still baffles me that someone can be so thick headed, but he kept saying he had made no promises and both Mabu and I knew that was a lie and i honestly just couldn’t deal with someone so selfish he couldn’t at least give a heads up sooner

the icing on the cake during the beginning of this year is someone i haven’t even mentined: MY PIECE OF SHIT BROTHER. talking about him may deserve another post, because this is already so long and convoluted and i haven’t even talked about his involvement in my misery during 2019-2020. i’ll try to make the story short if anyone’s still reading this far:

a lot of years ago, our maternal grandmother moved to uruguay from russia and bought a tiny shitty house here next to my mother’s. my mother still hasn’t talked to me since 2013 because i’m trans, but that’s neither here nor there. i tried to keep in touch with my brother (we don’t share dads so he was no relation with my side of the family), and around 2017 i finally succeeded in making friends with him. or so i thought, clearly.

that grandmother passed... sometime. i don’t really know because they cut me off. she didn’t speak to me either, she was literally a crazy old nasty woman and i didn’t even care when i heard she’d died, to be honest. she was such a nasty woman, she’d put her tiny shitty house to my and my brother’s name just to keep her own daughter out of the inheritance when she bought it.

that also meant i was inheriting something for the first time ever, even if it was shitty. BUT my brother had his own fake grandma (the woman who looked after him his whole life instead of our mother) who was very old and frail and asked me if he could house her there. i said yes because again, i didn’t give a shit about the inheritance or the house or anything regarding my mother’s side of the family (other than him obviously), so for years this woman occupied the house. my brother basically took all existing furniture and appliances because he was moving in with a girlfriend and i even loaded up my shitty car with his stuff. all i wanted to inherit was the couch set, which had come all the way from russia and everyone had promised me since i was a wee lad, but he started whining about his fake-grandma not having a living room set and nowhere to sit and i didn’t even live by myself yet so i let them have the fucking couches, too.

oh boy this is already too long but now i’m too lazy to make a separate post

anyway, sometime during 2019, the woman moved out to an old folks home because she could no longer take care of herself. i immediately asked about the couch set with hope in my heart that it could finally be mine, but my brother told me our mother didn’t want me to have it.

he wanted to rent the house to make a profit, which sounded good to me because of that dog related credit card debt i talked about. and here’s where you might think i’m not that there in the head, but all my life i didn’t want anything to do with that house until my mother was in the ground - not out of hate but because i thought it was a shitty thing her own mother had done to her, and the inheritance should have been hers. she doesn’t have a degree or a stable job because she’s a russian translator so hey, whatever, they needed it more than i did. but then my brother starting getting ideas about improving the house so we’d make more money, and how we should do it together, and... i think i might have mentioned already why i didn’t exactly have time to redo a house? i was doing my thesis? about to graduate? my boss was constantly on my case? my dog was about to die?

i helped as much as i could at first, but then december came, and then january, and my brother just kept nagging me about the house like i was purposefuly sitting on my ass doing nothing, because oh every day it’s not rented it’s money lost. no amount of explaining how stretched thin i was seemed to suffice, not even when mabu’s grandma died and nico left us hanging with the thesis and i had less than a month left to code the whole project by myself while ALSO taking care of the art.

by the end of january, i was so stressed, i called a doctor after a panic attack. he gave me a weeks rest because of my back, because i wasn’t even able to get up without help at that time. it wasn’t much of a rest because i still used that time to sit at the computer and code 15 hours a day at LEAST, but hey.

it was the first time in 8 years i’d taken medical leave of ANY kind. i didn’t even get medical leave when i got my chest surgery. it happened on a friday and i was back to work the next monday. i’d never skipped more than 2 days of work at best when i had a bad case of the flu or something, but that was it.

when i went back to work, my boss immediatelly called me to his office. he started berating me about my performance again, bringing graphs comparing the amount of lines of code i’d written next to my coworkers. i didn’t mention this, but the graphic designer had also quit during 2019, so i was also covering that workload and no, that didn’t exactly translate to lines of code. i also had to spend HOURS every day tutoring the junior because he was too much of a cheap shit (didn’t use those words) to hire an experienced developer. i’d even WORKED AS A GRAPHIC DESIGNER FOR MEDIA CONTENT FOR HIS POLITICAL CAREER, EVEN IF IT WAS AGAINST MY BELIEFS AND NOT AT ALL RELATED TO MY JOB. he denied everything. EVERYTHING. he stuck to the narrative that i was just lazy and the proof was i’d just taken AN ENTIRE WEEK because “my back just hurt a little” and i had the audacity to skip work for someone else’s grandmother dying

i’m not exaggerating, i swear to anyone who might be reading this. that day was brutal and i’m still not over it half a year later, i don’t care if that makes me sound like a wuss. i worked eight years of my life in this fucking place.

this argument lasted for hours, but i kept my head down because i couldn’t afford to lose the job, specially not then. i even apologized for any loss in performance and tried to explain my point of view and what i was going through (which i’d already done to another superior weeks ago anyway). but just when i thought i’d MAYBE be able to keep my head above water, he told me he was denying my the request i’d made to take two weeks of holiday days before the thesis final due date.

i had already explained everything to him. everything, even nico dropping the team and my having to do everything by myself. i broke down and i told him he was forcing me to leave my job, i’d just have been certified by a doctor and i was asking for leave for SCHOOL (all things that are protected by law here), but he just kept repeating i could either walk away from my job or show up during those two weeks. he just wanted me gone, but he couldn’t fire me right away without having to pay me THOUSANDS because of my seniority (by law). he knew what he was doing to me and he didn’t care about it. he didn’t even let me TOUCH MY COMPUTER, he told me he wasn’t the one pushing me away, that i was doing this to myself, and he’d ask for a lawyer to check my computer for any “inconsistencies in my activity”, even. i really have a hard time just thinking about that day and how utterly humilliating it was. i lost a lot of personal files, because i sat at that desk for eight years and of course i had personal files because sometimes i stayed after hours before going to class.

imagine for a second a sixty year old man, rich as shit, political candidate, standing in front of a computer, disconnecting the mouse and keyboard so i couldn’t touch it, yelling at me i was doing this to myself and i was losing my job because i had the audacity to ask for two weeks leave to finish my fucking school thesis.

and yeah, i lawyered up. i didn’t have actual money to AFFORD a lawyer, but mabu’s cousin’s girlfriend was a lawyer and lived one block away and i immediatelly told her everything there was to tell. she brought me to the firm she worked in and they guaranteed me i had a pretty strong case and i was at least gonna be able to walk away with something.

that put things in hold for a while because the “trial” or whatever wasn’t gonna be held until after the thesis, so i tried to forget about it. my boss even owed me my untaken paid vacation days, which i told the lawyers because i was pretty sure he’d just forgot, but i wanted to know if it made a better case against him. they agreed, and i left it at that.

but you know who was still making my life miserable even when february began and i had less than three weeks to finish our project right? MY SWEET BABY BRO. he was constantly nagging me about having to do all the work himself, like I’D ASKED ANYTHING FROM THAT HOUSE TO BEGIN WITH. but see, the nastier he started getting, the more apparent his lies began to appear. he got nasty to the level where ON THE DAY I WAS TURNING THE PROJECT IN he kept calling me demanding MONEY for stuff he’d paid for the house without checking in with me. i was honestly baffled by his level of selfishness, i was already sleeping three hours a day tops and he expected me to what, paint walls? he was FIERCELY against having to wait for my project to be done even if it was two weeks away and he was asking and asking for money when i’d just told him i’d lost my job without a penny to show for it. nice guy, really.

suddenly, the following lies became clear:

my mother didn’t care if i took the couch set, he told me that because he was moving again and he was planning on taking the couches himself. (he ended up doing just so, too). he lied to me with the thing that hurts me most in the world: my mother hating me. he had even made a joke about it, because my mother had bought a new couch not long ago, and he didn’t “get” why she “didn’t want me to have anything”

years ago he’d told me he had refinanced a tax debt the house had, and i gave him money for it. now that the house was about to be put up for rent, he pretended that had never happened and suddenly started talking about how we needed to take care of that

he wasn’t planning on splitting the rent three ways between him, our mother and i. he was gonna keep two thirds, and i later even found out my own mother had given him the idea.

then poor mabu confessed to me once, two years ago, she’d wore a skirt one time visiting my brother and his then girlfriend, and he had told her nasty stuff to her year upon saying goodbye and she had never said anything because didn’t want to hurt our sibling relationship

talk about final nail huh?

i confronted him and he denied everything, obviously, he instantly played the victim card, how dare i think that way about him, how dare i break his dreams of reuniting the family again. he said things to me i’ll also never forget like, apparently, it shows that i’m a shit person because i have no friends and no one wants me around, unlike him that has so many. he told me i thought the world owed me when i was shit and i believed anything anyone told me before believing him. no one told me any of his lies, i caught them all by myself, but whatever. he cursed me and told me he never wanted anything to do with me because i was rotten and i only cared about money and i was so so selfish. this must have been around march and i still don’t know anything from him, or care.

what do i have to do for that side of the family to leave me alone, i wonder? all i ever wanted to do was be his friend

the “trial” against my boss came and suddenly every lawyer that worked at that firm was taking a fucking holiday except for the one that was supposedly leading my case - except suddenly, i didn’t have much of a case at all. i walked away with less than 2 thousand dollars and that was WITH the vacation days i hadn’t taken. the agreement was the lawyers were gonna keep 25% of however much i made but THAT vacation money wasn’t supposed to count because it didn’t come out of the “trial” thing, you know?

well, it did. the lawyer screwed me over too. but hey, at least he’d gotten me unemployment for a couple of months (you only apply for unemployment if you’re fired, not if you walk away from a job, and my having been fired or not was what was being contested), i still tried to be optimistic, i had a few months to figure things out while i looked for another job, and at least i was able to finish paying for school with that money.

yeah, this was late february, beginning of march. joke’s on me for being optimistic at all

my own brother plotting with my own mother against me has done a number for my mental health. i already had baggage aplenty, like every trans dude or girl whose parents would rather see them dead than be a dyke/fag (my mother’s own words, ladies and gents)

my boss of eight years kicking me to the curve at the worst moment in my life in the most humilliating of ways while blaming me for it has left me feeling so worthless to people in general. i’m getting better with time, i think, but i’m still all not there. i have a really hard time thinking my work is worth anything at all.

i keep thinking my brother was right, and i’m a shitty friend, and i don’t deserve anyone around. my only real friend at the moment is my girlfriend, which makes it really hard to have any arguments because i start feeling like my life is ending because she’s pretty much all i have left and she’s the most important thing in the world to me because i wouldn’t have survived all this shit i’m writing without her by my side. i would walk to hell and back for her. but nico also left me behind without a second thought, after telling me i was like a brother to him, no matter how many times i invited him to hang out or anything to keep in touch. i’ve been a shitty friend to a lot of people, but not him, and he still didn’t care about me at all, so i just stopped trying.

but now social distancing has got me all fucked up. i can’t trust people. i can’t go outside. everything is scary to me, i have at least two or three panic attacks per WEEK and they get nastier and longer every time. i know i need help, but i can’t even afford rent, let alone therapy. Uruguay has the worst unemployment rates since 2006 now thanks to our baby-Trump right now. i look for jobs daily even if the notion of having a job even SIMILAR to the one i had before gives me the shakes. programming isn’t as hard as some people may think, but the workplaces are usually VERY toxic because you’re valued by the amount of lines of code you write, and i’m so so tired. i’m still looking because I NEED. TO. PAY. RENT. but not because it’s something i want in life, at all. i’d much rather be poor and just do freelance work instead, but i’m failing.

i thank the people that have helped me or commissioned me these past few months from the bottom of my heart. i’m sorry i’m not more active, i’m sorry i’m still rusty and can’t draw faster, i’m sorry i sometimes spend half a day crying my eyes out because i just don’t know how to move forward. i have a week left, i still haven’t made enough for rent, let alone the bills or food. mabu used to get plenty of art commissions on etsy, but she hasn’t sold anything since march either and she’s younger than me so our financial struggles have an even deeper impact on her

i’m just so, so tired. i’m lucky to have mabu, and that is about it. i honestly don’t think i could have survived this year without her. for months the future has looked like a black screen to me. i can’t even trust the vegetable market in front of my fucking house because some piece of shit spread the rumor that i’m trans and now i can’t even open the door to my front house without getting stares sometimes, it’s ridiculous. i wish i could trust more than one person in the world so that everything wasn’t on her shoulders.

i’m not okay. we’re not okay.

that’s about it. i’m sorry i can’t end this on a more positive note. at least we graduated with an excellent score. not that we had a graduation, obviously. thanks corona.

thank you for reading if you read this far ♥

#this is literally 5k+ words of how my life went to shit :)#trying to write down feelings like i used to do seven years ago when i was transitioning because i have no other outlets #sorry new followers #(sorry old followers)

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nightmare-dressedlikea-nightmare · 5 years ago

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Thank you, Taylor

Hey Taylor,

My name is Kendra, I’m 25 years old, and I wanted to say THANK YOU. 💕

When you wrote that music can transport you back to a long forgotten memory, and put a picture frame around feelings you once had, i FELT THAT, girl. As an artist you know that your music is literally the soundtrack to your fan’s lives, and my life has been no exception. I wanted to write a quick (or not so quick tbh) post to thank you for being there for me through your music for the past 13 years. Here are just a few times you have impacted my life:

Middle school… oof. A Place in this World is truly THAT song that EVERYONE can relate to at this stage of their life.

15 was released 2 months after I turned 15. Debut, Fearless and Speak now were the albums that colored the rest of my high school career, with my first boyfriend, first heartbreak, and first realization that I didn’t need him anyway (I’ve realized some bigger dreams of mine ☺️). One of my best friends, @everytime-you-smile-i-smile (Kelsey) and I quoted “Stay Beautiful” to each other all the time.

Do I even need to mention how EPIC the Love Story music video was? Gave me so many #RelationshipGoals

RED came out my freshman year of college, where Kelsey and I met two more of our best friends, @itwas-enchanting-tomeetyou (Megan, who you follow!!) and @youll-never-find-another-like-me (Bre, who you’ve liked selfies of recently!!!). RED fueled so many of my college memories, including cry nights (literally exactly what it sounds like… we put on sad music and cried… thank you All Too Well), dance parties, and OCCASIONAL study sessions 😉

1989 rolled around and I was FINALLY able to attend one of your concerts. We spent HOURS making our Jr Jewels crop tops and tutus with fairy lights. I remember the night we finally finished and tried on our outfits, Megan (who had recently gotten engaged) asked us all to be bridesmaids. 💕 We danced, sang, and screamed the night away with you in Fargo. I had just graduated from college and had a brand new job that was SUPER stressful so I can’t tell you how much it meant to have a stress free experience of a lifetime with you and my friends.

After college, some more major life changes happened. Megan got married in 2016, and then one after another we all got engaged and married (all in the same year!!). There was a shake it off dance party at each and every one of our weddings. (Bonus video included of the INSANE dance party we had to TIWWCHNT at my Bachelorette party, in which Megan’s glasses eventually fall off her face due to her intense head-banging).

Now here comes the part that I’m nervous to write about, because I haven’t posted anything about it on Tumblr before.

When reputation came out, I was so excited to hear that you were obviously in such a good place, in a wonderful relationship, and literally doing “better than you ever were”. I so, so badly wanted to relate to that, but I couldn’t. On April 5th, 2018, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I’m not going to go into how absolutely, devastating, cripplingly horrible that felt, because I know that you know. It’s truly the one thing that I really wish you and I didn’t have in common, because I wish no one ever had to feel that way. It was the most emotional, hopeless, trying time of my life. It was truly the year that almost everything in my life changed. I watched my mom go through chemo and radiation, and it seemed like the bad news kept coming and coming. We found out that the cancer was spreading, and the medication and treatment wasn’t working. This was all happening while I was switching jobs in August, planning my wedding/getting married in October, and moving to a different city in November. At my rep tour date, you sang Tied Together with a Smile as the surprise song, and it meant so much to me.

I wish that I had a happy ending to this story, but cancer is evil and ended up taking my mom from me and my family on November 27th, 2018. The last 6 months have been so difficult, and I’m just trying to take it one day at a time. I just wanted to say thank you, because listening to rep and getting excited for Lover has been such a wonderful distraction in a time when I really need some happy in my life. Anyway… I have no idea how to end this because how do you end a post like this? I just wanted to say thank you times a million for providing the soundtrack to my life, inspiration and goals for my love story, distraction when I need it, and songs to cry to when I need to let out my sadness, anger, and general ~feels~. I have been thinking of you and your mom so often and I am hoping beyond belief that she is doing well and that you have been taking care of yourself, because I know that’s hard to do sometimes, but it’s definitely necessary. Anyway, thank you, I love you, and I will see you on the Lover tour 💕 P.S. Bonus fact: you inspired my husband to surprise me by adopting our third cat, Mojito (in addition to our first two, Potato and Kiwi), for my birthday this year shortly after you announced you got Benji so THANK YOU!!!! YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH GOOD IN THIS WORLD!!!!!

#taylor swift #text post #literal novel #now i'm emo #its so hard to sum this all up #asgkjhgakhjldg #cats

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inumakkis · 5 years ago

Text

Stars ,part 2 ! A reddie fic

Sad ! Depressing and triggering themes ! I will place a line above the sensitive content and below so you can skip down to just see the outcome ! Stay safe, drink water !

PART 1 // READING PART 2 ! // PART 3

-------------------------------------------------------

21st October 2016

Eddie saw Richie go back on stage for the first time since he left for Derry . He watched him take a shot too many before the show as if to clear his head while his manager egged him on to just get it out of the way. It didn't go as well as expected ;

" you know , something funny happened to me a month and a half ago ,the love of my life got murdered right in front of my eyes ." He said with a laugh that only disguised sadness.

" and these fucking assholes expect me to read these crappy jokes when I could be mourning ,I gets that's the real punchline boys and girls ,no one cares about you ,no one says that they love you until it's too late." He ranted on into the all too familiar microphone .

" and if you're the one not saying ' I love you ' the i hate you ,I hate you because I hate myself ! I'm not reading these jokes what I have been doing for the last decade ,everyone will get refunds ,I'm sorry , I'm just a walking jokebook who just says what is written ."

He dropped the mic ,it made a squealing sound as it rolled off the stage and into the crowd ,around the rim was a pride sticker,yet everyone was too in shock to see Richie had walked off the stage.

One person saw though,Eddie .

He watched him run off stage ,tears falling down ,he watched him be cut from his contract at the agency ,he watched as the ticket booths gave his a disappointed look ,knowing they would have to return money when they should be in bed.

He watched as Richie collapsed on the couch ,his glasses falling off his face and onto the floor as he fell asleep.

22nd October 2016

The day the news got out around social media !

'richie tozier lies about his career ?'

'one big stand up ?'

'richie 'TRASHMOUTH' tozier '

'a lover dead ?'

Eddie watched it all ,Richie didn't read a single article because he was now at his parents home ,laid in his once bedroom. It still had the funky superman wallpaper ,and all his books from his subjects and comics . It was like he was a child again.

He could remember Eddie and Richie playing here ,all night long as children ,trying to be quiet so they didn't wake up Maggie and Wentworth who instructed they try and be asleep soon.

Eddie sat with him on the small bed , grabbing his hand .

"Eddie ?" He whispered hoarsely yet he didn't look.

"yes,rich ?"

He knew Richie couldn't hear him or feel him but it made himself feel better.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you ,it should've been me ,why did you save me ." He whispered and clenched his fists. "Why didn't you let it kill me ?" He sobbed ,his hands collapsing and moving to be limp. "Is it nice up there ?"

"the best "

"I bet it is , I bet Stan's having the time of his life watching me cry ." He laughed weakly . Eddie felt his heart break a little bit more. There was no sarcastic comment or remark ,he really thought that Stan would laugh at him.

"I'd laugh at me , I'm an idiot ,there's people dying and I'm crying over this ." He tried consoling himself. "I need to get out there . " He said in a softer tone of voice and perhaps that hurt Eddie the least. Eddie had no possession over Richie , it was unrequited love taken away too soon . He felt like he wasted his last words but it was too late for that now. Richie deserved to be happy .

9th march 2019

Richie was getting married ,a woman across from him,a tender smile which could only mean love while Richie's was duller ,smaller . He wasn't happy , no ,because he didn't feel comfortable in a hetero relationship.

Eddie stood in the place of Richie's best man since Richie cut off contact with the losers for what they pulled after the fallens memorial.

Eddie slowly leaned forward and kissed Richie's cheek which earned a small smile which made him feel a bit happier.

Richie had grown used to the thought of ghosts , the idea that he was never alone ,he could guarantee that it was a kiss but from who ? His mother perhaps ?

The wedding we t in and Richie didn't drank that evening at all ,it was too much . He wasn't over Eddie and that was the worst part .

----------------

⚠️mentions of child death and suicide ⚠️

----------------

27th November 2019

The day Richie lost his little girl during pre-labour . Eddie watched as the woman gave birth yet she wasn't as excited as Richie ,no Richie was bouncing with joy ,he could raise a well mannered kid,and then she stopped breathing .

Well no ,she never started breathing .

He broke up with his wife that night ,unable to take the pain from it all ,it wasn't fair ,why did he never get the happy endings ?

Turns out the child was never really his either ,what a way to spend the night before her wedding ,eh?

Eddie watched hopelessly as Richie cried his heart out and wouldn't stop . It was painful to see and to hear .

23rd December 2019

' COMEDIAN RICHIE TOZIER FOUND DEAD FOLLOWING THE DIVORCE OF HIS WIFE AND THE DEATH OF HIS DAUGHTER,ANNABELLE'

'FOUND WITH A PILL BOTTLE IN HAND ,NO FAMILY REPORT TO !'

Eddie watched ,as Richie swallowed those handfuls of pills non stop ,he was screaming at Richie to continue living and that's when he saw it ,Stan.

Stan was there ,crouching with Richie and attempting to pick up the fallen pills ,years streaming down his face but his hand went through them.

"Stan ?" Richie whispered and looked to the man who was suspiciously clear to him.

Eddie knew he couldn't save Richie but maybe it was for the best , Eddie had been looking after Annabelle for him. He didn't want him to live a life in pain. "That's right trashmouth." He said ,pushing his own circular glasses up.

Richies gaze fell to Eddie as the pills began making him dizzy.

"eds?"

"don't call me eds." He scolded and he saw Richie smile. "I need you to close your eyes for us , we'll be here when you wake up ,I swear . We have a lot to discuss ,okay ?" He said in a quiet tone to which Richie nodded .

The comedian closed his eyes for the last time. . .

#reddie #angst with a happy ending #maybeeee;)#stan uris rights #eddie kaspbrak #adopted child !#richie tozier and eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #losers coub #it2019 #it2017 #STARS #STARSPART2 #have fun lols

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glitchxprincess · 5 years ago

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October 27th, 2019.

I am just... heartbroken. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m crying like crazy, and I’m gonna miss you so much. But, hi. I am the owner of this page, my name is Lizzi and I have loved Stray Kids since the beginning. Stray Kids helped lift me when I didn’t think anyone wanted to hear it. When my friends are mad at me, or I’m fighting with my family and I don’t think anyone wants to deal with me... I just pop in my headphones and it’s like I’m taken to another place. A place where it’s okay to cry it out, and where I’m safe. My happy place. Stray Kids helped me when I got out of a toxic relationship, and it had really took a toll on me. I remember when I first saw them, and I just fell I love so fast with every single one of them. They aren’t perfect, and they aren’t made of Steele. They have hearts and feelings and sometimes they need us to be their place to go where they can cry it out. Where it’s safe, and I just wish that right now, we could just sit down in this big, enormous loving circle and just let Kim woojin and all of the boys to pour their heart out. I respect his decision as we all should. This post is all over the place and I’m sorry, but I just want all of our boys to be okay. I want them to smile and always feel loved. To know that they don’t have to always pick us up, because we can pick them up too. Anyway, I remember falling in love with these wonderful boys. These nine boys that when my brain wanted to go crawling back to my terrible ex, or in my darkest days, kind of just went “hey no don’t do that, come learn our names. Our birthdays. Our favorite things. Try and learn the words to every song so when the time comes, you can scream them out as we preform. Just come here, and let that bad thing go. It’s gonna be okay.” And you know what? I finally let that bad thing go. I feel so selfish wishing he hadn’t left, but I wouldn’t want to make him stay if he didn’t want to. So, our lovely teddy bear with the biggest smile, the most beautiful voice, and a drive like no other.

Kim Woojin.

Thank you. Thank you for being a friend to STAY and to your fellow Stray Kids members. Thank you for always having a smile on your face that is so contagious no one can help but smile with you. Thank you Kim Woojin, for being apart of Stray Kids. Whatever you are going through, it’s going to be okay. Whatever it is, even if it’s worse than we can imagine, we all love you with everything we have. We will be here for you, with support and respect. I’m gonna miss you so much it physically pains me to say this. But, you will always be apart of stray kids. Don’t ever forget that, Stay and Stray kids loves you so much. This isn’t goodbye, it’s see you later. You deserve the universe and then some. ❤️

Stray kids.

Thank you, Kim Woojin. ❤️

All my love.

I’m gonna miss you so much,

Lizzi.

#stray kids #stay #straykidznet #bangchan #hyunjin #jeongin #jisung #lee felix #woojin #changbin #wewillneverforget #wewillmissyou #lee know #seungmin #i hate that i had to write this.#thank you woojin

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beehask · 5 years ago

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The day my world changed

I guess this is where I’m supposed to tell you about finding out about cm.

On Sunday October 27th 2019. I had just dropped my four year off with his dad and step mom. Twenty seven minutes after telling my sweet boy I loved him, everything changed. I was involved in a car accident. IN MY BRAND NEW CAR!!!!!!! I was taken to the hospital. They did tests. Referred me to multiple doctors since nothing was an immediate emergency.

I was sent to have a million more tests. I wasn’t healing from the accident. Only getting worse.

I had a follow up appointment to discuss a mri I had.

I remember the doctor coming in. We were joking as usual. That’s the part where things became a blur. I remember hearing “well good news is what we thought was wrong, isn’t. Bad news is *

Insert blur* something something brain surgeon something something brain surgery. I smiled said thank you. Have a good day.

I get home started talking to my husband and realizing this woman just told me Im being sent to a brain surgeon.

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE?

I picked up the phone in panic. I asked her to tell me that again because it didn’t register with me

She said “you have type 1 Chiari Malformation and are being referred to a neuro surgeon.

WAIT! Who is Kiara? What’s wrong with my brain. She informed me she wasn’t a chiari specialist so she couldn’t give me the details I needed.

She told me how to spell it to do some research.

I went outside. I cried. I screamed. I cussed. I was confused. Scared. I was every emotion.

I immediately called my daughters grandparents. Her grandfather is a P.A. I was hoping he could help me. Help me understand what was going on. Nobody knew. We’ve never heard of this. Google only freaked us out that much more.

I didn’t want anyone knowing. I didn’t want pity. I didn’t want people treating me different. We informed immediate family. We told them we didn’t have much information at the time. Moments later the scheduling person from the surgeons office called. She was so friendly. She quickly scheduled the appointment. She asked if there was anything else she could do. With tears in my eyes I asked “am I gonna die? I have kids. They need me” she said honey were gonna take care of you. Don’t worry.

THAT DID NOT MAKE ME NOT WORRY!

The next few days all I did was cry . Why me? My life is finally perfect. Why would this happen to me? I don’t wanna die! I researched and researched. Joined some support groups. That only freaked me out that much more.

I had a good three weeks before I met with my surgeon. So you know that wait is killer.

Heres the part where Im gonna keep you guys waiting on the next part like I had to wait. Im evil. I know.

#chiari #chiarimalformation #warrior

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the-girl-who-sang · 5 years ago

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October 26, 27 & 29th of 2019: The Day that the Show was on Earth and the Spectators were the Stars in the Sky

Start this message may be complicated, cause I feel my heart already hurting in yearning, but the memories that we created were so bigger and brighter than my small sadness, that I couldn't let this pass...

So here I'm writing you this words, that try to contemplate all the immensity of my truly love and appreciation for you, in the purest and uninterested way...

Leaving from beginning, I feel like I have a beautiful story to tell.

When the Love Yourself Tour where announced, I felt an indescribable euphoria. I thought that finally, I would be able to accomplish my biggest dream: go to your show and, make of this show, the first show of my life! But, unfortunately, there were no dates for Brazil.

But life is a surprise-box and, when you least expect it, something wonderful happens, something unexpected and so amazing, that you feel your breath fade and your smile taste like salt. And that was what happened for me.

Few time later, new dates where announced and, what was my surprise, when I saw that my country, that Brazil were in middle of them! The joy and the emotion ran through my veins! Everything was perfect! That was a sign... A sign that I would have my chance.

But things wouldn't be that easy...

Between all that happiness and excitement, a harsh reality hit me hard: don't matter how much I wanted go to that show, I wouldn't be able. I don't had the money to do this!

My dream, that for some moments were the sweetest and were so close of the touch of my fingers, like in a blink of an eye, disappeared, right in front of me, leaving behind, a bitter and suffocating taste.

So I cried... I cried because it hurted. So much. So much, that it doesn't fit into words. Was my dream, the thing I most wanted, the gift I wanted for my birthday right there, so close, but so far away...

I talked with my family and, even with all the problems, even with all the difficulties, frustrations and conflicts, they told me to try. And I tried... Putted on all my faith and wish, but wasn't enough. No, I couldn't. The defeat came mercilessly, got down like acid, and again I found myself alone, without friends, without joy, without hope...

This year, like the last two years, have been very difficult, I suffered pitiful losses, and my heart couldn't stand no more patches. I was broken and my only hope of joy had been torn from me.

Back to the beginning, I was... Destroyed, destroyed, exhausted. I could only accept the fact that, once again, I could not realize my dream. And that was, in fact, my last chance and so I had lost everything.

But... Do you know the expression that says 'miracles are real'? So, let me tell you a secret: this is true. And I can confirm, cause I received a miracle.

Missing only 4 days, for the 1º show of the Love Yourself - Speak Yourself Tour in Brazil, just like a miracle, I finally received the bless of can get my tickets. It were necessary some minutes for I can realize that it were really happening. Then I cried and laughed, jumped, screamed, and thanked... I thanked that because it was undoubtedly the best birthday present I could ever want!

I would really go to the BTS show with my mom! My dream was real! And in that moment of excitement and euphoria, I could only remember the words that a kind and sweet friend said, in a very hard moment...

The impossible is possible. And he was right.

May 25th of 2019 were the best day of my life.

I never imagined my heart could overflow that way. It was so much love, so much emotion, so much affection, care and feeling. I never imagined that my soul could transcend my body, surpass all the limits of the possible and the impossible, only to unite with infinity in the fullness of that moment.

What I felt that night will never leave me. It's carved in my bones, drawn in my memories, painted in my eyes, overflowed through my blood, sweat and tears. I will never forget that day, and that day will never fade from me.

Never, in all my life, to feel so full and complete. As if I be in that place, beside my mother and so many unknown souls, before you, was my destine, my true place in this world.

After that day, a lot changed... Inside me. Chaos went on outside, but every time he tried to destabilize or hurt me, the memories of those moments of pure joy, the voices, the smiles, the kind words came just like spotlights, driving the darkness away, rescuing me from evil. And once again, I felt safe.

You became my home, my safe place, my point of peace. And no word in the world can express the meaning of this.

Time passed...

And here we are. Many things happened, problems, difficult situations, uncertainties and insecurities; it's being one year & two months since the beginning of this journey... And what a journey! So full of teachings and learning.

In all this time, we have being strong... We fight daily with our demons, fears, insecurities. And we won. Every single day. Together, as always.

I think that, you feel the same that me, but I need to express it out loud.

This era, the Map of the Soul - Persona - and equally your forerunner, Love Yourself, have a very deep and important meaning to me. Since you started this campaign of self love, I felt like it was a call to my awareness, a stimulus to make me see things I didn't want. Know, I've always had self-esteem issues, I could never find myself beautiful or interesting, and I got used to people reaffirming my insecurities. It turns out that after so long, the marks surfaced and scars began to appear, many of them. Emotional and psychological.

I tried to avoid them, forget them for too long, until I reached a point where there was no escape. I had nowhere to run and was already tired of feeling so small, inferior, unworthy of all that is good or beautiful.

Thanks to you guys, I decided to change... Or at least give it a try. I decided try to look at myself with other eyes, try to appreciate my qualities and give more value to my skills and talents. And I have been following this journey. It is not always easy. There are days when I look in the mirror and feel so ashamed of the reflection that looks at me, I just want to cry and hide, but I remain strong. I don't hurt the body in which habit anymore - or at least I try - with bad words or thoughts.

I'm getting a little better every day. And all this, thanks to you. Whenever I think of something bad about myself, I try to imagine their faces, their soft voices saying sweet words to me, reminding me that my life matters and that I have value.

And so I have been following, one day at a time. And if one day is too much, one hour, or one minute, or one second at a time... Taking a deep breath and doing my best to make my dreams come true. And I will make it! I know I will... And you will still be very proud of me!

But how we know, nothing last forever...

October 26th arrived, I felt something different. I shivered and was afraid, because I knew what it was, but I tried to send to the ends of reason, the real motive for that little pain in my chest. Sometimes, the truth is painful.

October 27th also arrived and one more time, I felt the sensation of lost embracing me, like a cold hug of goodbye. Then, I felt sad, but tried to keep my mind positive.

But when irrevocably, the October 29th came, something stranger happened. My mind understood it before my heart do. The second, bubbling in an explosive mixture of longing, sadness and gratitude, finally fell silent at the insistent whisper of truth: the end has come... And this is a true I don't wanted to face. But we need...

Thinking now, after cry a lot, seeing fancams, photos, videos and messages, I understand the meaning of all of this. It's all about love. Your love, our love. It's all about give love, live love, share love. In the end, it's not about awards, charts or profits. This is nice, but isn't everything. What really matters, is what we give and gain free, from the bottom of our souls.

All the things we lived together, through all those months, teached me that life is prettier then we think, and all we need is honesty, humility and love. A truly & honest love.

And all this story brings me till here, till the last page of this journey that, in fact, is so far away of the end. Yes, this isn't the end. It's just the beginning! An incredible new beginning, full of new emotions & magical memories!

Today, October 29th of 2019, marks the day we surpassed the limits of what is impossible and what isn't. Today, we made the stars as the the spectators of our show of love, respect and support. In this night, the lights were on earth and the audience, in the universe, appreciating the masterpiece of our love.

Now, we will begin a new journey together. New plans will come, new dreams, new songs, memories, colours and learnings. We will grow up even more. Together, as always.

Cause we're made of love... And love last forever!

I wanted to thank you all for everything. Thank you for all your hard works, passion, dedication and devotion. Thank you for be so strong. Thank you for never give up. Thank you for keep your mind and feelings safe. Thank you for be my peace. Thank you for give me hope.

I'll love you forever... And beyond the forever!

Tomorrow, will be a new day. When you open your eyes, remember what I’ll say: you’ll never be alone, we will always love & support who you are inside, don’t matter what happen. And most important of all: remember that I love you, and I'll always be here, for you and with you!

Can't wait to see you all again, shining brighter then the stars, in the sky, cause you're my galaxy and together, we make the universe, a sigh of eternity!

Forever by your side...

Yasmin de Carvalho - Brazil. 29/10/2019, 23:59hs.

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psychokai1972 · 6 years ago

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The Boss- Part 19

The Boss- Masterlist

Part 18

CEO!Sebastian Stan x CEO!Reader

Word Count: 1529

Warnings: mentions of guns, violence, mentions of death, mentions of blood, language,

Summary: Y/N and Sebastian are co-CEOs of a successful company. Their relationship is not the best. It’s more a competition than anything. But eventually they’ll have to learn to cope with each other.

A/N: God, I wanna cry:(. On my birthday (27th October) I met a guy that turned out to be doing Erasmus with my college (he’s from Paris); and so, we clicked instantly and started having something (let’s say friends with benefits). Of course it was nothing serious, and I didn’t want to get attached to him, nor he to me; but I simply couldn't: he’s caring, soft, respectful, harsh when he needed. I mean, as if I had written him for a fanfic. Anyway, he goes back to Paris in a couple of days, and I don’t know if I’ll see him again until then.

Stupid Carla, she chooses them good but they always live in another country.

Anyway, I’m sure none of you cares about that.

I didn’t proof read it, sorry for any mistakes!

Comment, like it, reblog!Feedback is always appreciated!

Her eyes were wide open fixed on the liquid, thick and painting the kitchen with it’s characteristic red color, lost in it; around her, she heard nothing but silence, body unable to move, she couldn't feel the pain; she was in shock, her mind refused to process what had just happened.

A cry got suppressed in her throat, her mouth opened in surprise and fear, but no words or screams coming out. Her hands flew to her mouth, covering it; body shaking and eyes shining bright from the tears, a little bit of fading red in them; they darted to the lips in front of her , moving, telling her something, but she wasn't listening, she couldn't; not with the body beside her.

Unconsciously, her hand reached out to touch his face, still warm, he still felt as if he was alive.

“Ma’am.” The woman said, finally taking Y/N away from her mind. Y/N blinked a few times, looking at the woman, she didn’t know her; as well as the rest of the people in her house.

But she now realized something, the woman’s clothes, it was a uniform, a police uniform. The CEO looked around her, she hadn't even known so many people had got into her house, they all wore the same outfit; some of them were paramedics.

“They need to examine you, they need to check on the baby.” The officer said with a soft voice, not wanting to scare her even more.

“Sebastian...” Y/N muttered, looking at the body beside her. It wasn't him, it was Hanlon. She felt relieved, but it didn’t last long, not when she didn’t have Sebastian in her field of view. “Where’s Sebastian?” She asked this time louder.

“Please Miss Y/L/N, you need to try and stay calm, it’s bad for the baby to be altered.” The paramedic said.

Calm? That concept had been out of her system for a much longer time than she could remember.

“I need Sebastian, he-he’s my fiancé, I need to...” She panicked, so many people and not one that she knew. “I need to see him, please!” She cried and attempted to get up from the floor, but she almost fell if not for the officer and the paramedic catching her.

Y/N looked down at the source of the pain. “I think she sprained her ankle when she fell.” The paramedic said to the officer. “ Miss, we are going to get you to the ambulance and examine you, okay?”

But she refused, asking for Sebastian over and over again.

“Martin!” The officer called for one of her colleagues, she let go of her, going to speak with the other officer. “ Is Mr. Stan still here?” She asked him silently.

Y/N watched the interaction, wanting to know the answer before they told her.

“Mhm, no; they stitched him up,” The CEO frowned her eyebrows at that, thinking that something bad happened to him, “ and then Wilson and González took him down to the station to give statement.” Officer Martin concluded.

The woman let out a tired sight, and walked back to Y/N, she read the metallic plate on her chest, it read Smith. “Miss Y/L/N, he’s not here right now, I’ll personally make sure that they bring him to you, but only if you go with the paramedics.” Officer Smith tried to be as gentle as possible with her.

Y/N closed her eyes, she only wanted him, she only needed him in that moment, she needed his comfort; because he was the only one that could.

“Alright.” She nodded and sat on the wheel chair they brought, taking a last glimpse of Derek Hanlon’s lifeless body as they dragged her outside.

__________________________________________________________

“Do you have kids, officer?” She asked looking at the standing woman, tall and powerful beside her.

Officer Smith’s face contorted into surprise, not expecting for the CEO to talk; after all, they had been in that hospital room for an hour and Y/N hadn't talked much, only to ask for Sebastian.

“I do.” She answered, her face softening when she saw Y/N rubbing her belly, probably an unconscious action. “And, please, call me Samantha.” The woman smiled, sitting on the hospital’s bed beside her.

“How is it?Having kids I mean...” Y/N voice was tired, hard to hear.

A small smile formed on Samantha’s face, remembering when her sons were little. “It’s hard, mostly at the begging; it really is a wild ride. The first years, nights awake because of their crying; then they grow up and you still remain away when they leave the house, to make sure they come back. It’s worrying about them all the time, and I’m not going to lie to you, they can be a pain in the ass sometimes.” She laughed, pulling from the pregnant woman a smile. “But, you love them unconditionally, they bring a kind of happiness in your life that’s hard to find. As I said, it’s a wild ride, but it’s absolutely worth it.”

“I-I...” Y/N started, but the words got caught in her throat, silent tears falling. “I’m really afraid for rising this child, I've been through so much through my childhood tha-that I’m terrified of making the same mistakes as my parents.” She was talking about her greatest fear to a complete stranger, but it felt right, it felt as if she could trust in Samantha.

The officer looked at her sympathetically and grabbed her hand in her gently. “Sweetie, I can asure you that every first parent feels the same; and I don’t know you, but I can sens that you are a person with her feet on the ground that that you’ll know how to raise that baby just the right way."

__________________________________________________________

Sebastian sighed for the hundredth time, stupidity in it’s finest was in front of him in the form of a detective that seemed to be pulled out of a comedy.

“How many times do I have to repeat it? I was not working with Derek, wasn't trying to hurt my fiancée!” They were keeping him in the interrogation room, wasting his time, instead of letting him go and check up on Y/N.

“ There’s something sketchy about you, Stan.” Detective Ronald said, making Sebastian’s eyebrows rise to his hairline in intrigue.

“Something sketchy? I was the one that calle 911, the fuck is sketchy about me?” The CEO threw his head back and rubbed his temples. “ I was told I just needed to give statement, I didn’t know that implied an attempted murder investigation held against me.” He whispered for himself. “Listen man, the one person I love the most in the entire world is in the hospital right now, after she was nearly killed, she needs me; but instead, I’m here. I’m not guilty of anything, can I go now?” He looked at the man in hope that he would give up.

“Nope.” The detective said crossing his arms over his chest. “ So, you argued and she kicked you out, seems a to me as an excuse for murder.”

“I've told you already, we fought about the baby’s papers; but I wouldn't kill her for throwing me out.”

“And what would you kill her for?”

“Oh my god, why did I have to get New York’s dumbest detective?” He asked to himself, getting his hands to the head, he was desperate and annoyed. “Nothing! I wouldn't kill anyone, I don’t have killer tendencies!”

The detective was about to say something else when the door opened, a woman in her fifties coming in. “Alright detective Roland, I've had enough of your bullshit. This man is clearly innocent.”

“But captain!” The detective pouted as if he was a kid.

“I don’t care Roland, he can leave now.” The woman stated.

Sebastian smiled and stood up from the chair. “Thank you ma’am, have a nice day.” He said to her and left the room.

__________________________________________________________

“I wanted a coffee, but I found something else instead.” Y/N heard Samantha’s voice, dragging her out of the window’s view.

Y/N turned her head, her eyes instantly connecting with his ocean like ones. “Sebastian.”She breathed out, trying to move from the bed.

But Sebastian ran to her, covering her body in a tight embrace. “I’ll leave you alone.” The officer said with a smile on her face, and closed the door behind her.

“Oh god, you are alright..I-I thought that something happened to you, th-the-they said that you had to be stitched up and...” Her hands traveling his face, in search of any bruises.

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m okay.” He whispered resting his forehead against hers. “ Hanlon managed to fire the gun before the police got him, luckily he aimed at me, it just brushed my arm. God, I thought I was going to loose you both.” His voice cracking, his heart beating fast at the remembering of the events that had taken place just hours before.

“ I wa- I’m so scared, I thought that you were the body beside me, I still have him in my brain, coming after me, threatening James, threatening you. I’m terrified Sebastian, and he’s dead.”

The romanian caressed her cheek gently, taking in her beautiful features as if it was the first time. “Now I’m here, alright? I’m not gonna leave your side, we’re going to get through this, together.”

Part 20

MASTERLIST

The Boss taglist (open):

The crossed tags won’t work

@jacquelineisawkward @starkxpotts @crazybutconfidentaf @imagine-inc@sebbystanlover-vk @moonlightbae14 @projectxhappiness @sayernita @flopmalum @a-kiddo-with-a-doggo @lucille-lovely @missrandomista@thewhinersoldier @justmesadgirl @marie-is-in-the-dark @learisa @slender–spirit @fandom-addict-aesthetics @sellulii @lowkeysebby @p3nny4urth0ught5@nanna022 @ssweet-empowerment @faakelanadelrey @cheekygeek05@deanlenaz @inlovewith3 @queen-of-elves @randomfangirl1701@ultimategalaxyprogram @rahma29417 @hiddlestonstansworld@breadofjustice @i-just-wanna-live-gc @saltysebastianstan @picapicapicassobaby

@myfuturisticallysteadycollector

Permanent taglist (open):

@kapolisradomthoughts @bearsbeetsbarnes @casually-introverted @caswinchester2000 @tessvillegas @fakelchv@cuddlysteven@harryisbae101 @coffeebooksandfandom @princess-evans-addict

Sebastian Stan-Bucky Barnes taglist (open):

@mizz-kraziii @ria132love @ghostofcallum @void-imaginations @thisismysecrethappyplace

#sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan #bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #x reader #the boss #masterlist

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salvatoreinatux · 6 years ago

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5, 10, 11, 27 (pride month questionnaire)

pride month questionnaire. || accepting

( now, i’m not going to do this in order, for reasons. i’ll explain below. )

10. who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery?

some supportive idols i have in mind would be ruby rose, and arielle kebbel. they are LGBT activists, and they give awareness to all the LGBT community.

11. tell us about your first crush?

i can honestly say, i don’t really remember what he was like. i met him in kindergarden, and i thought he was the cutest thing ever.

27. any tips for heterosexual people on how to handle lgbtqa events/news?

well, for those who oppose the community, i’d say they should ignore it, and stay away and not ruin everyone’s fun.

( putting next question under read more for triggering content )

5. share a positive memory about coming out!

to be honest, i have no positive memory about coming out. the term ‘coming out’ altogether makes me uncomfortable. we didn’t come out, we were FORCED out. at the time my partner had an abusive alcoholic aunt, who apparently absolutely hated me when i had done nothing wrong. when i moved up from florida (where im originally from). i had escaped my abusive narcissistic mother, who viewed everyone else over me, thinking i’d have a better life with my partner. i was wrong. at time i had no job, no income. i was known as a leech for the longest time. i had always considered her parents MY parents. never had i ever been wrong.

after a while, things had been becoming more tense around the house, which evidently revolved around me, when i didn’t even know. it all started to crash down when i had made a simple ‘joke’ towards her mother, turning it to pure hell. her father had already hated me at the time (which i didn’t even know), and thought it was a personal act out of manipulation, when it wasn’t. i considered him a father, when i had disowned my biological one. i was crushed. a few days before that, we had all gone to an even called ‘battle days’, thinking it would be fun, but it wasn’t. yet again, i had made a simple joke towards her ‘sensitive’ aunt, who threw it out of proportion, causing the whole trip to become miserable. and of course, her father took her side, over my partner and i’s. when we were on the drive home, my partner had a massive fight with her aunt, sore words being thrown at each other. nothing but anger filled the car. i began to ball and yet again, it was seen as pure manipulation, when it wasn’t. her father ended up breaking down, and turned to me and said “thanks nay”, for ruining the trip. when we got home, my partner went up to her parents room when i stayed down stairs and balled my eyes out. i felt like shit and i felt like i had ruined everything when the trip should’ve been fun. that night, i took one of the box cutters sitting in the garage and slit my wrist. fun trip, right? this happened three days before my birthday. my partner eventually told me how her father saw ‘evil’ in my eyes. they thought i was crazy, so they hid everything that could be considered a weapon.

things in house seemed to have dulled down, (or so i thought), making it seem as if we were a loving family. her parents being mine. i loved them so much, and it absolutely killed me to see them so hurt. on the night of october 27th. 2017, her aunt had pushed us to go to a haunted house which was right next to her house. when we went in, we were excited and spooked out and having tons of fun, we even ended up having hot coco on the way out. my partner called her father telling them we had been done, and to pick us up, hearing yelling and crying on the other side. on october 28th, we had found out they had had found damning evidence, as to what our relation was really like, placed in a drawer by the bed, placed by me. we later found out that my partner’s aunt’s cat had ran into the room, and they had gone in to find it and saw that the drawer had been opened. i woke up to my partner screaming they had found the stuff we had hidden, causing me to bolt up out of my bed. she ran up stairs, and as i followed after her, i heard them yelling at her and her breaking down crying and telling them she was ‘in love with me’. thus starting the abuse, lasting 6 months.

her mother is extremely diluted in her Christianity, distorting all means of ‘love’ that was out of her norm, and of course, against gays. she had told my partner she was ‘obligated’ to love her considering she was her daughter. my partner turned to her mother saying “doesnt god say we have to love one another?” and her mother flat out told her “i don’t have to love that ‘thing’.” after that, nothing was to be the same. i was confined to one room. before shutting me away in the garage, besides the bathroom. i wasn’t allowed to go upstairs for ANYTHING, not even for a glass of water. she absolutely despised and tried to ignore my existence. my partner had to go upstairs and get me my food, considering i wasn’t even allowed to eat upstairs. on thanksgiving, everyone came over, and of course, i wasn’t allowed to go upstairs, so i decided to drug myself with sleeping aids just to not hear the laughter and joy.

forward to december. the beginning of the month was terrible. there usually comes a little santa parade that passes by our house, and i was SO excited to say something, but i had to watch from the garage, like a neglected child. towards the end of the month, my partner sent me up to michigan to spend christmas with my ‘mother’. which was absolutely terrible. with everything else going on, i had a fight with my mother and she ended up disowning me, causing me to spiral out even more, and nearly killing myself with alcohol poisoning.i had never wanted to end my life as much as i did those crucial months, needless to say, we both had suicide attempts. fast forwards to new year, it was just about to turn 12, i had already been incredibly fucked up, beyond consciousness. i had about 4 or 5 shots of different types of whiskey, had beer, and champagne, and had even smoke some weed with random strangers. with everything that had happened to me, i couldn’t care less about myself, which resulted in my partner becoming incredibly angry. i had several terrible thoughts such as, wanting to harm myself, because i wanted the pain to just stop.

eventually, my partner finally achieved her license, and gotten herself a car, and her aunt ended up being kicked out once her parents had realized who she truly was. an alcoholic monster. things began to pick up, i had gotten myself a job, and began to pay bills. things have gotten better between her parents and i. but we are still struggling to get out of the house, but it’ll take some time.

#theoriginalbadass #tw: abuse #tw: homophobia #sorry this is so long.#𝑰 𝒅𝒐 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒌𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓. | 𝑨𝒏𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅 |#this has to be the hardest thing for me to do.#tw: coming out #𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒖𝒏 | 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆 |#𝑶𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒇𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒔 | 𝑶𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 |#tw: suicide mention #tw: self harm #tw: negative #tw: drugging #tw: drugs #tw: alcohol

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laceandhockeyskates · 6 years ago

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What the hell I’ve been up to?!

I don’t even know how to make an introduction for this hot mess but I guess we’ll go month to month more or less because let me tell you 2018.... really fucked me up. Both in good ways, but also in terrible ways? I don’t know... I feel like it’s all worked out in the end but damn was it a mess to get to this point.

January- lovely, lovely January. Aka the last time I’ve posted anything of real value on this blog. I had my first trip out of the country!! Other than that uneventful?!

February and March (since nothing happened)- I turned 25. I don’t remember anything besides grabbing lunch with my grandma for it... so clearly it was a huge deal. Besides that though.... nothing.

April.... this is when things got.... interesting- we found out in April that the retail company I worked for was going out of business. Which was absolutely terrifying. I had no idea what I was going to do, how long it was going to take to find a new job... I knew nothing. That very day that we were told I put in 25 job applications. Within a week I had 4 job interviews lined up for one day that I had off of work, and at the end of that day I had a new job.

May- and it gets worse. May 4th was my last day at the store before I started my new job on May 5th. It was somewhere that I had applied to several times and never got a call back from, and it was only a three minute drive from my house so I thought everything was going to work out. Right? Wrong. I HATED it. With every fiber of my being it was the worst. I sat in my car on my lunch breaks crying more often than I wasn’t. It was honestly awful, and some greater power that be must have recognized how miserable I was because I was only there for less than 2 weeks. I started on the 5th and I worked my last day there on the 17th. I was scheduled to have that Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off already which I was thankful for and had all these plans. So since about November-December I had these back pains that started right between my shoulder blades and wrapped around my stomach every few weeks. At first I thought I had a strange strand of the flu, and then I thought I was just sleeping on my back wrong.... well neither was accurate. That Friday night I was sitting on the couch watching tv when the pain hit me again and at that point it was more of an annoyance thing because like seriously?? So I just did what I always did and took pain meds and prepared myself for a night of no sleep and taking a hot bath every two hours to pour steaming hot water over my back (aka the only thing that really helped), by Saturday I wasn’t any better and my dad offered to take me to the ER. I thought he was just tired of listening to me whine about the pain and not really worried but I did let him drive me to Walmart to get a heating pad and more pain killers. Which again... helped.... but only for so long. I actually got to sleep that night and woke up at 3 am in literally the worst pain of my entire life. I quickly got in the tub hoping that the hot water would work or the heating pad or really anything. By 5 am though I knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong and that’s when I asked my dad to take me to the ER. Which I don’t think he took me seriously until 7 when my mom woke up and I asked her to go. It took less than 5 minutes at the ER to be told I have pancreatitis and gallstones and I’m basically screwed. By the time I came back from chest x rays I was being admitted. And let me tell you... that shit sucked. My Er nurse asked me how I was feeling and I literally laughed and told her I was just happy that it wasn’t all in my head. Which she very much assured me that it wasn’t. And that I actually have a high pain tolerance considering anyone else would be screaming in pain, and that if I had waited another few days I’d be going in with a raptured gallbladder. That first day... sucked to put it kindly. Because I had a gallstone blocking my pancreas I wasn’t allowed food (I ended up going from 5 pm Saturday to 2 pm Monday without food) or water (4 am Sunday to 2 pm Monday). Do you know it’s like to go that long? I was the biggest asshole because all I truly wanted was applesauce and water. To top it off though they couldn’t figure out a pain med that actually worked for me. Morphine lasted about as long as it took to get to my toes (a few seconds at best) so I was miserably in pain the entire time. Monday wasn’t too bad. My mom came and visited me, and for the most part I was left alone with the occasional check in minus my surgery consult. Tuesday.... was a day. I’ve never had surgery before and to say I was anxious would be an understatement. I had been waking up around 5-6 am anyways and was just watching the news when I realized there were two people standing outside my door.... I had originally been told my surgery was the 3rd of the day and I wouldn’t be going until about 11 am which gave my parents enough time to get my brother off to school and to be back in time to see me off... that’s not what happened. They had bumped me up to #1. Which meant my labs hadn’t been put in as needed ASAP and had to be run again but as soon as that was done? I was being wheeled away. What I didn’t know was that my mom had a nightmare that I had been taken to surgery early and that I died on the table... so you can imagine her reaction when I texted them that I was actually going to surgery early... needless to say my dad sped all the way to the hospital. Actual surgery though? I don’t remember a ton. I remember going to the holding room and being introduced to a bunch of people that I knew for all of five seconds before going into the OR. I remember moving from my bed to the table and then being wrapped up in a bunch of warm blankets and given the mask. I wasn’t told to count down or anything but within seconds I was out. I remember vaguely waking up to be moved from the table to my bed and I THOUGHT I had only fallen back asleep for the ride to recovery... apparently it was a lot longer than that. I woke up once in recovery and could have sworn they cut me open side to side but nope. It was a successful surgery with only four tiny incisions that hurt like a goddamn bitch let me tell you and then I passed back out... when I finally woke back up again I was awake long enough I was allowed to go to my room where my parents were relieved to see me. I was up walking within an hour (I was told I wasn’t allowed food unless I moved around and got the gas out of myself and had bowl movements. They recommended walking. I wanted food.) and that day was spent between doing laps and sleeping. The next day? The day I was suppose to go home? My labs came back with a high white blood count... and I lost it. Despite my parents visiting me every day I was tired of feeling alone. Luckily though Thursday I was finally released.... in time for my baby brother to graduate high school. Which was a fun ceremony when you’re hopped up on pain meds.

June- was a hot mess of dealing with medical leave at the job I hated, but mostly? It was spent enjoying the summer. Once I was cleared for activity I was swimming nearly every day and soaking in the summer with my two baby cousins who turn 12 soon. Despite the physical pain I had to deal with and the stress of work I wouldn’t have traded that in for anything. It gave me so many fun memories to look back on and enjoy.

July- I was suppose to go back about the 8th but medical leave was... a mess. And tbh at that point it wasn’t worth the stress to keep that job when for the time being I was making enough by doing side jobs for my family to pay my bills. I did start applying for new jobs though while I spent more time enjoying my summer with my kiddos. By the 27th though I was starting my new job, which is where I’m currently at while I type this long ass post but we’ll get into that a little farther down. Two days later though as I was about to start my first full day at my new job I got the text message I never wanted to get. I had to call my cousin/best friend. Long story short her mother had passed away meaning that she had lost both of her parents in seven years. Something I can’t even imagine. But not only that but it meant that my grandma had also lost her sister and best friend, and my great grandmother had to do the one thing no parent should ever go through.

August- was honestly a really intense blur. Between two weeks of dealing with the fall out of losing my aunt and starting my new job I didn’t have a life. In late July/early August though I knew something was up with my car but I honestly thought it was just a tie rod going bad... no. Apparently my entire undercarriage was more or less rusting out and I was screwed. I didn’t have any money saved up for a down payment, I had no idea if I could even afford a car payment yet (despite working a better paying job with more hours but I was use to basically barely making ends meet with maybe $20 left over). Luckily my parents who are the real mvps of my life stepped up and helped me figure everything out and I had a new car within a week of starting to search (she’s my baby girl. I’m obsessed. She’s literally everything I wanted minus the fact that she’s white and my previous car was white and I wanted to avoid that: but besides that... I’m happy with her and she’s worth the pretty penny I pay every month).

September- was a goddamn mess work wise. It’s all I did. Work.

October- I took my first major road trip on my own (driving 2 and a half hours by myself on the interstate. It was a big deal.) and saw FOB in concert which was... life changing. I completely recommend seeing them if you ever have a chance (also machine gun kelly was there and despite the fact that I don’t care for rap.... he was pretty good.). Other than that though October was more work craziness.

And now for November, and if you guessed work was insane... you’d be right. When I was hired in July it was all “oh it’ll only be busy until like October” and now my boss is like “maybe by March we can get our sanity back for two months?” Which don’t get me wrong I’m grateful. I’m making a $1 more an hour, actually working full time, and I don’t hate a majority of my coworkers (there’s still a handful though that if I had a shopping cart at work I’d run of their bare toes but that’s more because they make my life unnecessarily stressful) but I’m actually happy???? Like as stressed out as I am basically 24/7 I’m doing alright. I have a majority of my Christmas shopping done and wrapped which like?? And idk... I’m just.... I’m in a good place. And I won’t lie I still check myself once and awhile going “okay something is bound to go wrong.” But also maybe all the good is outweighing all the bad that I had to deal with. Anyways so that’s the life update. If you actually read that... bless your soul. Message me. We’re now best friends. And hopefully in the coming weeks I figure out what the hell im doing with this blog.

December update I wanna die lol! We had two people quit in three weeks leaving us with four people to cover 24 hours 7 days a week....it’s a great time.

#if you read all of this hi message me you're my new best friend

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longeyelashedtragedy · 6 years ago

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First line challenge

Rules: List the first lines of the last ten stories you published. Look to see if there are any patterns that you notice yourself, and see if anyone else notices any! Then tag some friends.

Tagged by @thestagthatlovedthewolf Tthank youuuu!! i had such a good time! for a few of these i’ve obviously put more than just one sentence. unfortunately most of these are like, RPFs that i kind of write for a private audience because they’re REAL weird, but like, if you want to know more just lmk

1. ok i’m cheating this one isn’t done yet but it’s a banger

“Are you nervous?” he asked her. He was trying to ring the doorbell, but his hands were shaking so much he just couldn’t do it.

“Why would I be nervous? I killed a girl second period.”

“Why?”

“Ideological differences.”

-currently untitled AU that wants to be called “cristina fernández,” but i don’t really want to call it that, but it wants to be called that, you know the struggle

It’s fun to take Little Cristina on errands, but Maximo still has to keep a close eye on her and hold her tight.

-i’ve been writing some real good trashy fun lately ~

Franco did not approve of the idea of using his wealth to get extraordinary privileges, but he had enough trouble with blood—the family kind—as it was.

-this is from “flesh and blood,” which i think is one of my contemporary masterpieces? it made me cry while writing it and made its lucky few readers emotional (i think). i wish i could show it off, but it’s really surreal weird RPF about child abuse, which is a tricky situation. this is the thing that i wrote feverishly on my Notes app, taking locals instead of the express so i’d have more time to write, and it’s the thing that weirdly parallels Modernity...? The same noticing of progress happening before the narrator’s eyes, and although he responds posivitely to it as opposed to cristina’s disgust at Puerto Madero being developed, it ultimately ends the same way--loss and helplessness at a time of triumph. why is this a theme i like to write about? huh. anyway HMU if you want to talk about this one more

“So one of my guys can trace IP addresses,” Máximo yelled into his phone. He had no choice but to yell when calling Ramsay. The connection between Argentina and Westeros was pretty primitive.

-from “Raximo’s Revenge,” a real trashy ol time

He’s been gone for a while now (at least, gone in the sense that His body no longer walks the earth—she knows better than anyone whether He’s really gone or not) but sometimes when they ask her about it she feels like it’s the morning of October 27th, so many years ago, and she’s waking up all over again to the sound of a body hitting the floor. She’s waking up and getting up and screaming, screaming for help, screaming at him while wiping the blood off his face with her bare hands.

No.

-from “secret eating,” which is another one of my contemporary favorites, and it’s kind of what made me love ramsay/cristina as a crack pairing

When you have a President over for dinner, you have to make sure everything is just right.

-from “the president comes to dinner” (x) aka the 10 minute second-person fic i wrote once

On the phone Raúl is just drunk enough to speak his mind and just drunk enough not to care how his mind might sound when spoken aloud. “I have an idea for a birthday gift for you…dearest brother.”

-from “your poetic bullshit,” (x) c a s t r o c e s t don’t like don’t read

Ramsay used to dream of getting to go to the Northern Ball. He would watch Domeric getting his suit pressed and choosing the most luscious red flower to put in the buttonhole of his jacket. He’d lurk in the shadows of the living room and watch Dad leech himself to prepare for the occasion. And then…Dad would grab him roughly by the nape of his neck, drag him down the stairs into the basement, kick him into one of the dungeons, and lock the door.

-from “plus one,” (x) my first and possibly only thramsay

Viserys finds Doreah in the third coffee shop he goes into.

-from “his beautiful dragon,” (x) viserys/doreah, viserys/meraxes. weird shit pls love it

10.

You’ve been in Buenos Aires for two months now, working passionately for a human rights NGO, but this is the first protest you’ve seen close-up. Your helpful temperature converter app told you it was 90 degrees Fahrenheit, and that was two hours ago. Sweat is running down the back of your legs, even with shorts on, and soaking through your I’m With Her shirt. Back at home in your apartment in Bushwick, you’d probably feel like you were going to die. But here, outside the majestic Congress of the Nation of Argentina, staring at the line of riot cops stretching around the building and struggling with the mob of protesters, you’ve never felt more alive.

-from my “máximo x reader” crackfic lmaooooo

tagging: @tender-vittles @loveyourcrookedneighbour @jamesflint @draganchitsa (on any of your accounts lol) @ariannenymerosmartell @cractasticdispatches and YOU

#fic saga #ahhhhh

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forestiyari · 7 years ago

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CS JJ Day 18: Packing Poles

AN: This is my (rather random) contribution to 2018′s @csjanuaryjoy. It’s fluff and so far away from what I usually write that I’m amazed it’s making it out there. Thank you so much to @lenfaz for organising this this year.

Packing Poles

Rated G - 2.5k

It was 11am.

At least that’s what the dial flashing in front of her said. It did not feel like 11am. Eleven, while annoyingly early, was a time that she could at least conceive of, but her body was telling her it was closer to 5am and having been awake for a good sixteen hours was rejecting her attempts to remain upright.

Emma hated international travel.

And after two hours in line at customs she was pretty sure she hated Stansted Airport too. She’d followed all the advice she’d been given by her teammates, but despite wearing her official team USA hoodie, having her team USA ID badge poking innocently out of her passport cover and making sure all of her landing card was filled out in perfect, black inked, block letters the woman in front of her seemed decidedly unimpressed.

“You’re here for the what?” Ms Ghorm, as her badge proclaimed her to be, icily asked.

“The World Championships?” Honestly after the cramped flight and lack of sleep Emma was beginning to question herself whether that was the right answer… She was sure she’d answered at least three times already.

“Right, the athletics? In Stratford, right?”

“No, London.” Her brow furrowed, she had absolutely no idea what was going on- she just knew that if she failed to check in for training in… She checked her watch, took away five… two hours, then Mary Margaret was going to actually kill her.

“Well, Ms Swan. If you wouldn’t mind just taking a seat over there then I’ll see what we can do about moving you through as soon as possible.” The woman’s grin was sickly sweet and Emma swore it was the source of the headache she could feel coming in. She turned her head to take in the seats that Ms Ghorm had indicated and was shocked to realise she was being put into a holding area; the square of seats gated off but in full view of all of the other passengers. As she took a seat she felt like a toddler being put into a pen to be kept out of trouble.

Emma dozed, almost sliding off the plastic chair twice before she worked out how to wedge herself in between the arms, she took out her phone out of habit before discovering her European SIM card was in her hold luggage and the wifi was almost non-existent, she even considered reading the book that her teammate Archie had shoved into her hand back in Boston before remembering that it was a book on crown green bowling and that she hadn’t seen Archie since then. She took in the queued passengers around her, but the rest of her flight appeared to have cleared and left her alone. It was gone 8:30 when a smarmy-looking man with a clipboard approached the gate.

“Emma Swan?” The man called.

“That’s me.” She jumped to her feet.

“Follow me.” The man span quickly before marching away, not checking whether she was following him or not. She almost had to jog to keep up with him as he lead her down an ill-lit corridor to what was definitely some sort of interrogation room. She groaned.

It didn’t take long for the interview to be set up: Emma on one side of the table, the immigration officer on the other and a small voice recorder between them.

“This is Eli Gold, officer number 02368, conducting interview in relation to case S6-41. Present is the alleged Emma Swan.” The man droned and Emma frowned. Alleged? Who else would she be? “Can you state your name for the record please, miss?”

“Emma Swan?”

“Your full name.”

“Emma Swan.”

“Date of birth?”

“October 27th 1983”

“Country of residence?” The inane questions continued for at least half an hour and Emma was ready to tear her hair out before the reason she’d been singled out became evident.

“Miss Swan, I have here your landing card. Can you please tell me why you have listed your date of birth as being the first of August 2017?”

“Seriously?” She ground out. “Seriously?” Her exhaustion suddenly wiped out by indignation and frustration. “I have been travelling for twenty hours and managed to accidentally put today’s- sorry yesterday’s- date down and that’s why you pulled me in here for the third degree?” She regretted her outburst almost immediately, the look that crossed Mr Gold’s face letting her know that she was going to pay for it.

“If you would like to take a seat in the waiting area, an officer will be with you shortly to let you know the outcome of your case.”

***

It was 9pm.

The smirk on Mr Gold’s face each time he passed the waiting area had been torture, but as soon as his shift had ended and a Ms French had taken over Emma had been free to pass onto British soil.

Only to discover the new nightmare that was the “unclaimed luggage” office.

“It’s bright pink.” She explained slowly to the rather inattentive attendant on duty. “Walter” his name badge declared. “With a yellow flower.” She cringed at the description she had to give, but since Mary Margarent had gifted her the monstrosity she’d had no problem finding her suitcase quickly- until now.

“It’ll be here somewhere.” Walter said with a brief wave of his hand. “Take a look.” Had Emma been more awake she might have wondered at the lack of security, but honestly she just wanted out of the airport some time yesterday. Her suitcase was easy enough to find, but as she searched around the shelves and floor she realised her other piece of baggage was missing.

“Does the oversized baggage come here also?” She asked, only to receive a puzzled look.

“Of course not.” Apparently Walter thought this should be obvious. “That goes to the chute by carousel 9.”

As she crossed the baggage reclaim hall once again Emma couldn’t decide whether to cry or scream, but spotting her pride and joy lying in the middle of the floor, footprints and scuffmarks covering the dark blue casing, caused a chill to run through her body. She sat down on the floor next to the bag and prepared herself for the worst.

The zipper opened easily and she stretched as far as she could to pull it along the side of the bag. She’d barely opened it a third of the way before her fears were confirmed. Three of the custom made fifteen foot long poles were broken. Emma groaned and held her head in her hands. She was crouched there a few minutes before a cool voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Y’know I’m not sure, Love, but I think you might be a shotputter?” Emma had had a bad enough day that really anything could have set her off, but a smooth British accent filled with laughter and making jokes at her expense was definitely a decent target for her ire.

“I’ll give you shot-” As she muttered the words through gritted teeth she rose to her feet and span around, ready to give whoever was there an earful… but she was brought up short by possibly the most handsome face she’d ever seen “-putting” she trailed off pathetically.

“Emma Swan, right?” The man asked, extending his hand. Almost in slow motion she took it and let him shake, not taking her eyes off his face- taking in the crooked smile, the sharp jawline, the oh-so-blue eyes. Only when his brow creased slightly did she realise he was waiting for an answer. She pulled back her hand and snapped her mouth closed, feeling the blush spread over her cheeks as she cringed internally at the thought that she’d been staring.

“How do you know?” The question came out harsh, covering her own embarrassment.

“Love,” He said with a grin, “You’ve won three medals in the last eighteen months.” Instead of clarifying anything this only made Emma more confused- yeah, she was good, but that hardly made her a household name. Afterall, pole vaulting was hardly the world’s number one sport.

“And you are?” She settled for in the end. The man didn’t look like some kind of stalker and wasn’t dressed like any sports reporter she’d met before. He laughed before holding his hand over his heart and dropping his eyes.

“You mean you don’t recognise me?” She shook her head. “I’m hurt.” He reached behind her to the oversized baggage chute and picked up a long bag, just over half the length of her pole vault bag.

“Javelin?” She asked stupidly.

“Aye. I’m Killian, team GB javelin superstar.” She frowned, rifling through her brain until she found what she was looking for.

“Killian Jones?”

“The one and only.” He grinned and she didn’t like to admit she only knew of him because of Ruby’s rant about the British distracting the opposition with eye candy. Not that Ruby had been wrong to class him as such.

“Why have you checked in javelins?” Emma asked, more to keep the conversation going than out of real interest. “That seems like a risk given you could just drive them.”

“I got held up in Monaco.” He shrugged as if that explained everything. It didn’t. The diamond league meet in Monaco should have finished over a week ago and she may not have been an expert on Europe but she was pretty sure the length of drive was nothing compared to some of the cross country trips she’d taken with her poles.

“And you’re headed to London now?” She asked, the vague beginnings of a terrible idea running through her head.

“Aye. Why? You need a lift?” He asked casually and she felt the relief shoot through her at the fact that he’d offered before she had to ask.

“Kinda?” She shrugged one shoulder, hoping to come across as contrite. “I’ve been held up a while and I’m avoiding turning on my phone cos I’m too tired to deal with my coach’s voice right now.”

“And let me guess: you’ve never heard of public transport.” Killian’s voice was teasing and Emma realised he was probably going to say yes.

“Have you ever tried to get a bag of five fifteen foot long poles on the subway?” She asked, matching his teasing tone before remembering what she’d been looking at before he appeared and continuing in a much more morose tone; “Even if three of them are broken.”

Emma could see the moment he took pity on her, shrugging his rucksack higher on his shoulder and scooping up his equipment bag before making a sweeping gesture with his free hand from her towards the door.

“After you Love, I don’t know if I trust you at my back with those poles.” She snorted in response.

“Believe me; if I stab you with my poles, then you’ll feel it.”

***

It was 11pm.

The light was fading fast and after an hour of trying they still had yet to successfully find a way to reliably secure Emma’s pole to Killian’s car.

It didn’t help that said car was a battered VW beetle whose age was greater than its gas mileage. And sported a curved roof.

Emma was an expert at securing pole vaulting poles to cars, but the beetle’s shape and lack of opening windows or trunk was proving beyond her and her trusty bungee cords.

“Killian, it’s fine. I’ll call Mary Margaret and she can arrange for someone to come and collect me. It won’t take long.”

“Nonsense Love. We’ll manage.”

“You need to get to London, you have to be up for training tomorrow.” She tried to reason with him, but he only offered a derisive snort.

“So do you. I’m not leaving you here alone.” He turned away from her, effectively ending the conversation and she let out a small relieved sigh. She really didn’t want to wait here alone either.

As she circled the car for the fiftieth time it hit her- literally. On the hip. The passenger side of the car had an exaggeratedly large wing mirror. Emma made sure that Killian was looking away before experimentally placing her hands on it and jumping to force her weight down. It didn’t snap.

“I’ve got it.” She said before heaving her pole bag from the sidewalk to rest on the mirror. With the rear end suspended precariously on the back bumper of the bug, straps holding shut the door and her arm out of the window to offer support- or at least an early warning system- she slowly began the journey south.

It was 3am.

Emma was vaguely aware that in not much more than twenty four hours she was due to vault nine metres into the air at an international competition, but the part of her that was running on the best two hours of sleep she’d ever experienced in Killian’s car, adrenaline and giggles didn’t care.

Because wherever it was that Killian had dragged her to after declaring that the noises her stomach made were louder than a freight train was feeding her the best lahmacun and salad and she was on her fourth with no intention of slowing down and no shame.

The company wasn’t bad either.

In fact, she hadn’t felt this way just talking to a guy ever and she didn’t need the buzz of alcohol to appreciate the dimples and the self-depreciating smiles and the wisp of hair that was visible over the collar of his shirt.

And maybe it was just the effect of a really crappy forty eight hours, and maybe it was a really bad idea, but maybe taking him up on his offer of ‘resting up’ at his place instead of fighting to find her room in the athlete’s village wasn’t completely off the table.

Knowing he had a garage and she wouldn’t have to worry about leaving her remaining poles outside exposed to the elements or any potential thieves was helping with her decision too.

She really loved those poles.

It didn’t take her long to realise she could really learn to love the way he kissed too.

It was 11am.

The blinds were doing nothing to keep out the bright August sun and Emma felt herself being forced to wakefulness despite the soft mattress beneath her and the silky blankets on top of her and the firm body behind her.

Also the chirping cell phone really could do with shutting the hell up.

She felt Killian roll away from her and the murmur of his own sleep filled voice washed over her, both relaxing and thrilling at once. Emma refused to open her eyes though and burrowed deeper beneath the covers, only allowing a smile to tug at her lips when he finished his conversation and wrapped his arm over her once more, pressing light kisses to her shoulder blades.

“So Love, it turns out my agent Regina is practically family to your coach.” Emma frowned, knowing only enough of Mary Margaret’s personal life to know that she’s an only child. “And when you fell out of contact yesterday the two of them set up some missing person operation.”

“Let me guess,” She replied, “They found me.”

“Not exactly- but apparently reports of a yellow bug with fifteen foot poles stuck to the side made their way onto twitter.”

Emma groaned. Mary Margaret and Ruby were never going to let her live this one down. But as Killian rolled her over and lowered his lips to hers she wondered whether she really cared.

#csjj #cs fanfic #cs january joy 2018 #forestry #fluffy

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britishchick09 · 3 years ago

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danger force double livewatch sequel!

danger force is finally back! i haven’t been able to find the recent eps online, but today i discovered ‘captain man strikes out’ and ‘s.w.a.g is haunted’! so let’s finally get back to swellview! :D

first up is ‘captain man strikes out’!

of course it starts with the tp! oh how we haven’t missed thee!

woah chapa is athletic! :o

all the kids are!

ray: “my hands are cracking!” lol :D

miles: “that’s not a fire extinguisher, that’s ART!” lol :D

the ‘art’ has a fancy typeface!

pittsburgh exists in this world! :o

artist: “PITTSBURGH IS A WORLD CLASS CITY!!!! paris, vienna, pittsburgh!” lol :D

omg chapa electrocuted him! :o

ray’s groovin’ and the other kids are like ‘COME ON BRO!!”

OMG RAY BROKE THE ART???’

wait the song he’s dancing to is the danger force theme!

lol the guy on the zoom call agrees :D

also zoom exists too!

AND RAY BROKE THE ART

miles: “expand your mind, man!” ray: “*laughs* no!”

ray is banned from ‘mom con’ good!

the kids list funny things that ray could do and he’s like ‘i was thinking of just apologizing but your ideas are better!’ BOI

ray: “captain man’s going on strike!” zoom guy: ‘...i know i heard that.” lol! :D

hold up DID MILES JUST HAVE A VOICE CRACK???

AND ANOTHER ONE! *insert meme here*

chapa: “for the last time, you don’t have teleportation powers.” mika: “you have telekinesis!” bose: “that sounds serious! tell my family i love them!” lol :D

OMG RAY MADE A COMMERCIAL ABOUT CRIMES TO COMMIT

ray: “crawl back to daddy!” mika and miles: “ew” ray: “i’m daddy!” mika and miles: “EW!!!” SAME GROSS RAY!!!!

RAY’S ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO KIDNAP DANGER FORCE AND PUT THEM IN LAVA???

and the kiddos aren’t happy!

HE SPENT 5 MILLION DOLLARS ON THAT AD???

6 MILLION??????

omg someone stole a nacho fountain from the close nacho ball!

there’s a new superhero! :o

it’s monsieur man!

HE’S IN THE INTRO!!

the logo changed!

the whole intro is a french version! :o

ray: “he stole my theme song!” and made it so much better! :D

the man cave has a french flag lol :D

ray called monsieur man ‘dame judy french’ lol :D

miles: “are your insults on strike, too?” OHHHH!!!! :D

ray could’ve lived in paris! :o

monsieur man and schwoz french laughing at each other is so funny! :D

the alarm changed to french too!

ray: “don’t touch my weapons!” *shows everyone his weapons*

OMG RAY JUST LICKED HIS WEAPONS

monsieur man does the bubblegum thing with mika and miles yet he doesn’t change lol :D

ray: “i got this medal for putting out a fire that i accidentally started!” lol :D

miles: “like a BYOSS!!!” lol :D

omg monsieur man saved ray’s ex! :o

mika: “looks like there’s an emergency at dinneyland!” monsuier man: “you mean disneyland?” kids: “no no no nooo!!!!” mika: “we definitely can’t say that!” miles: “we definitely mean disneyland!” lol! :D

they get to save the day by skipping the line! :D

schwoz is good at the accordion! :D

the news lady calls monsieur man ‘mau-swer MAN’ :D

this ep takes place in 2021!

news lady: ‘we don’t know when captain man’s strike will end... but who cares?” lol :D

omg the kids are at a lava lamp factory! :o

schwoz; “this is dangerous for realisies!” lol :D

monsieur threw a baguette at a lever AND DIDN’T HELP! :o

aww miles is crying! :(

youtube in this world is vootube in this world

groovy lady: “so i thought why not melt danger force?” miles: “BECAUSE IT’S A CRIME????” groovy lady: “says you, nancy drew!” lol! :D

mika: “captain man’s on strike, so it’s not like he’s gonna waltz in here and say ‘ding dong dummies, here to save you!” ray: *does just that* perfect timing!

ray: “i know what’s going on here!” miles: “he only says that when he has no idea on what’s going on!” lol :D

groovy lady: “you’re just in time to watch me fondue you in!” ray: *claps* “woooow” lol :D

the audience is cheering at ray saving the day! :D

aww ray is happy! :D

OMG PULL THE LEVER RAY GEEEEZ!!!!!

HE’S ON THE NEWS AND NOT SAVING THE KIDS????

BOI!!!

good end the strike AND SAVE THE KIDS YOU LOVE RAY!!!!

ray: “i accept you apology!” news guy: “none given.” lol :D

ray: “this lava isn’t even real, it’s fondue!” *TOUCHES THE LAVA* “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i’m ok!” BOI???

omg i just realized that the font for the lever thing is the schlotzky’s font... and my channel font! :D

onto ‘s.w.a.g is haunted’!

this one is mirrored and higher pitched! :D

and it starts off with a 20s song!

schwoz is such a great dancer! :D

mika: “we definitely shouldn’t have named our bowling team the winners!” lol :D

they tried ice dancing and flopped at that too! (literally!)

miles: “let’s call ourselves ‘the goats’!” bose: “because we’re cute and will eat anything!” mika: “oh honey...” lol :D

chapa’s struggling with skating!

ooh a 20s movie! :D

miles thinks schwoz is acting ‘double weird’! :o

schwoz is dating an old-timey lady! ...or is he? ;)

mika: “you said ‘old’ and that’s gross!” lol :D

the kids think she’s a mom and it all makes sense lol!

OMG RAY JUST BROKE A BOTTLE :o

bose: “we weren’t supposed to tell you that schwoz has a girlfriend!” BOSE!!!

schwoz was born in october and is a libra!

ray does a little kick before saying ‘down the tube!’ lol :D

omg they’re arguing! :o

woah schwoz’s gf is a ghost! :o

miles is just like ‘nope!’ and teleports away lol :D

the nornal intro is here!

the ghost is fan dancing! :o

chapa: “hey, you’re dead... do you know prince?” fingerprints ;)

ghost: “i’ll have to tell everyone that you color your hair!” ray: “YOU SHUT YOUR DEAD MOUTH LADY!!!!” omg! :o

ray: “i’ll slap you into a flashback!” lol! :D

schwoz needs to find a school for cheap... and not haunted! :o

the haunted schools are cheap lol :D

hilda the ghost has a lot of things on her bucket list!

miles: “is that ghost back?” hilda: “i’ll answer you with a riddle. what has three legs-” miles: “nnnnope!!!’ lol :D

miles’ dad bought a house that’s certified not haunted!

omg he has a giant carro! :o

and miles needs to crank it for 10 HOURS??? :o

green screen much? ;)

hilda: “i feel as free as a mockingbird’s mother!” chapa: “...same.” lol :D

hilda: “in my day, women weren’t allowed to ride on bicycles!” oh really? ;)

hilda: “in my day, woman weren’t allowed to do math. they said it was a path straight to the underworld!” mika: “it’s not... right?” oh it is mika IT IS :(

bose loves her standup comedy! :D

she wanted to chop down an illegal tree! :o

OMG SHE HAD MORE LISTS??? :o

she has to visit the ‘little ghost’s room’ lol :D

wait ray’s turning a ghost? :o

omg! :o

why didn’t his air on october 31st instead of june 27th?

ray: “you ready to watch a good old fashioned ghost fight?” chapa: “ghost fiiight!!!” lol :D

OMG MILES’ SCREAM WHEN HE SEES THE GHOSTS :D

chapa: “ha! awesome :)” ha! cute :)

ray: “get ready to meet the swoleson twins! mary kate and smashley!” OHHH!!! :D

hilda keeps beating him up!

WAIT HER NAME IS TILDA??? :o

mika: “you’re adding new things to do with us!” tilda: “no i’m not!” *actually is* lol :D

tilda: “i keep adding things because the thing i really want to do is impossible!” bose: “lick your own elbow! same for me, too!” lol :D

aww she called him dandy dimples!

OMG SHE WANTS TO EAT THE GIANT CARROT!!!! :o

bose: “...that sounds like something i’d say.” lol :D

tilda: “this ghost has no tummy!” bose: “same with me and nacho ball” lol :D

...someone needs to drink tilda?

OMG THE KIDS SNUCK THE GHOST INTO MILES!!! :o

omg no DON’T DRINK IT MILES’ DAD!!!

good mika took it away! :D

chapa: “just shut up and drink.” lol :D

miles is talking like the ghost! :D

OMG HE BURPED OUT THE GHOST!

miles’ dad also went ‘nnnope!’ :D

so that was danger force! they were funny as usual and i loved them both! i hope i’ll be able to find the 4 missing eps someday. this show gets better and better with each adventure! :D

#livewatch #i'm excited to finally watch more of the force! :D

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rhapsodic-memories · 7 years ago

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december 31st, 2015, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time. you were talking to a girl and i could tell that you were capturing her with every syllable that left your mouth. and i knew why: you were beautiful and bright, and i was drawn to you even then, like the planets are drawn to the sun. december 31st, 2015, 11:58 pm: we met standing in line for the bathroom. you introduced yourself, and asked for my name, smiling when i gave it. “lovely,” you murmured, and repeated it a few more times, rolling the letters around in your mouth like a new food. january 1st, 2016, 12:05 am: i could still feel you on me, your lips, minutes, hours, months later. the clock had struck midnight and you just grabbed me, didn’t ask if it was okay until it was over. you were laughing, brushing it off, all teeth and well-kissed lips, but i knew i saw you blushing. january 21st, 2016, 1:12 pm: you got my number through the mutual friend that threw the party. i still don’t know how you got my address. i didn’t remember telling you. you couldn’t tell me, either. february 14th, 2016, 9:12 pm: you took me out to dinner and bought me chocolate and roses. it was all so cliche, and i loved every second of it. when you kissed me good night, i swore i could feel the rest of my life, pressed right up against my lips. february 26th, 2016, 11:33 pm: we made it official. i remember how you asked me, how shy you got, like you didn’t know what the answer would be. march 17th, 2016, 5:43 pm: we spent the day at the saint patrick’s day parade, and you filled yourself with beer and kissed me hard against the bar bathroom door. i drove you home and that was the first time you told me you loved me. march 18th, 2016, 9:24 am: you called me and told me you loved me again. “i want to make sure that you know i still mean it when i’m sober,” you said. march 24th, 2016, 1:09 pm: i met your parents at easter brunch. you had demanded i come with you, and i was glad i did. your mother was kind and beautiful, and your father was warm and handsome, just like i knew they’d be. after we’d eaten, your mother got me alone. “he’s never brought a girl home before,” she told me, “normally he isn’t very open about who he’s dating. but you, you’re different. don’t read into this, but i think he may really think you’re special.” april 12th, 2016, 8:31 pm: you saw me naked for the first time, and you kissed every inch of my skin. i’d never felt that much love from anybody before that night, and i haven’t since. not even you could replicate those few hours. may 5th, 2016, 4:57 pm: we fought for the first time. i ran into my ex at the grocery store and wanted to chat for a few minutes. you didn’t. when we got in the car, you told me that if i was still in love with somebody else i could just leave, and i told you that you should trust me and not be so insecure about our relationship. we screamed the whole way home and you slammed the car door when i dropped you off. i almost crashed three times on the drive home. may 6th, 2016, 8:03 am: you came by with flowers and breakfast. “I’m sorry,” you told me, “you just mean so much to me, and the thought of you ever being anyone else’s makes me sick.” i smiled, “but you don’t have to worry about that now. i’m yours.” june 16th, 2016, 10:51 pm: for my birthday you took me out to dinner and gave me a beautiful necklace with a silver chain and pearl pendant. we drank expensive wine and stumbled back to my place and fucked. i had never been fucked before, not like this. i woke up the next morning with bite marks on my neck and hickeys all the way down my stomach, but you were gone. “had to run,” you’d written on a post it note, “i love you.” june 18th, 2016, 2: 41 pm: i hadn’t seen you since my birthday and you weren’t picking up when i’d call. june 19th, 2016, 3:13 am: “ had to run,” the post it note had said. maybe you were running from me. i couldn’t tell if it was the 3 am darkness talking or the part of me that already knew. july 1st, 2016, 4:01 am: i looked over at you, sleeping in the darkness beside me. when we were together, things felt perfectly normal. but now, i could feel the shifts. “are we falling apart?” i whispered to you, and although i hadn’t expected an answer, the silence broke my heart all the same. july 4th, 2016, 6:47 pm: we were at a barbecue and i saw you across the crowd, talking to a girl. i saw the way she was drinking up every word that escaped from between your lips, and that’s when i knew. that’s when i knew you weren’t mine anymore. july 21st, 2016, 7:08 pm: i brought it up to you. “i think we’re starting to grow apart,” i said, “there’s a distance between us that wasn’t here before.” you reassured me that it was all in my head, but i didn’t hear it in your voice. i didn’t see it in your eyes. you knew it was there, too, but unlike me, you weren’t trying to do anything to stop it. august 10th, 2016, 11:37 pm: i lay awake and thought about what your mother said, all these months later. “don’t read into this.” but of course i did. i couldn’t help myself. fuck, i loved you so much. august 15th, 2016, 1:12 pm: you invited me over and i discovered that the key you’d given me no longer worked. “i had the locks changed,” you said, “i’ll get you a new one.” it was a lie, and i knew it. you didn’t get me a new key. september 8th, 2016, 2:00 pm: i caught you cheating. in a desperate attempt to revive the romance we’d had at the beginning of our relationship, i bought dinner and brought it to your place. when you finally opened the door, i saw it written all over your face; the way your eyes widened, the way your jaw dropped, the way your cheeks drained of color. i heard it in the stammer of your voice, the sharp intake of your breath, the grinding of your teeth. when the girl walked up behind you, half naked, asking who it was at the door, i already knew. “how could you?” i whispered, and you just opened and closed your mouth. the girl pieced it together and started screaming. she hadn’t known. i left the food at the doorstep. september 10th, 2016, 1:49 am: you never called after that, never came by, never reached out, but it wasn’t like we’d needed to confirm anything. i knew it was over, but it took every ounce of willpower i had not to go back to your place and find out why, why everything. september 27th, 2016, 6:20 pm: i kept finding myself huddled in a ball; in my bedroom, in my kitchen, in my shower. not crying, or yelling. just huddled, clutching my body close to myself, staring. still not understanding. october 31st 2016, 9:01 pm: i spent halloween haunted by the ghost of you. your face was around every corner. i could still feel your touch trickling down my spine. that night, i lost it. the anger surged through the sadness and bubbled to the surface. i screamed until my throat was raw, screamed at nothing, about nothing, for no reason other than i was too full. november 10th, 2016, 2:17 am: you called me when you were drunk and i answered. i listened to you ramble, vomiting up apology after apology. near the end, you told me you loved me. “call me tomorrow when you’re sober if you still love me,” i said. you didn’t. november 25th, 2016, 7:15 pm: i went out on a date with somebody new. they didn’t pull me in like you did, but for a few hours, i forgot about you and i felt okay. i drank myself to sleep that night so i wouldn’t have to think about you. the next morning, the hangover hurt more than you did. it was a start. december 24th, 2016, 8:12 pm: i was spending christmas with my family, and i was doing great until my aunt asked about you. i told her you cheated, but i was doing okay, and then i excused myself and threw up the appetizers into the toilet. i called you then, and when you picked up, i let out a sob. “you ruined me, you fuck,” i croaked, “and you can’t even apologize. not when you’re sober, at least.” there were a few seconds of silence, and then you hung up. i still hope that it ruined your christmas. december 31st, 2016, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time in months across the crowd. it made me sick to know that even after all that had happened, you were still the most beautiful person in the room to me. december 31st, 2016, 11:55 pm: you found me in the kitchen. “i wanted to tell you i’m sorry,” you yelled over the music, “and i miss you.” and in those final moments of the year, i thought about it. i thought about letting you back in. the countdown started, and you moved closer to me. and i.. i pushed you away. i turned away from you and said, “no. i can’t.” and i walked out of the room. january 1st, 2017, 12:05 am: i have forgotten how you felt against me, your lips. and for the first time, i am finally okay with that.

Unknown (via @rhapsodic-memories)

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angrykittykrys · 7 years ago

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October 27th

A/N: So, I’m usually really hesitant to post any of my original fiction, but as I really want to share the stuff I write next month, this is kind of a test run to make sure I’m comfortable enough to post original stuff for strangers. That said, this is the first story I wrote for a series of short stories set in a universe where the “Date” you meet your soulmate is written on your wrist. I hope to someday have a story for each day of the year.

Word count: 1718

“Alright guys, does everyone have their flashlight?”

Lexi raised her flashlight high, along with with her other three friends and all of them laughed nervously, excitedly. They were standing outside the corn maze on the edge of town, the one that Reagan’s boyfriend and Better Half, Thomas, swore was the scariest one he had ever been to. Tonight the four of them were going in, determined to show Thomas up. It had taken him and his boys over an hour to make their way through, but Lexi, Reagan, Sam and Amanda were determined to make it through from beginning to end in fifteen minutes. They had looked it up online and found that time listed as the shortest possible route through the maze.

They were smart girls. They could do this.

Giggles and screams erupted from the maze every few minutes, heightening Lexi’s anxious state as their group walked forward to pay for their tickets. The late October evening was freezing and she wrapped her coat tighter around herself, wishing yet again that she had remembered to bring her gloves. By the end of the night, she was sure her fingers would be frozen, curled in the shape of the flashlight that she needed to navigate her way through the maze. It was a stupid mistake and one that she was sure she would be paying for. And speaking of paying…

***

One twelve dollar ticket later, the four girls stood at the start of the maze, Lexi trying not to let her friends know how terrified she was. She was such a scaredy cat, but they were her best friends and she couldn’t bear to let them down, scared or not. So… she supposed she was heading into the creepy, dark maze. Despite the fact that she just knew she was going to be one of the screamers she kept hearing.

“Okay, ladies. Remember the game plan, everyone takes a different route and we meet at the end in fifteen minutes,” Reagan said excitedly and then disappeared into the path to the far left before Lexi could question (yet again) the brilliance of splitting up.

She watched as Sam and Amanda grinned at each other, high fived, and took two of the other routes, leaving the last one on the far right for her. She took a deep breath, flicked the button of her flashlight to turn it on, and stepped into the darkness of the maze

***

Lexi had to face facts, she was lost.

She had checked her phone every few minutes since entering the maze and unfortunately the fifteen minute time limit had come and gone… several times over. She was lost in the maze and the worst part was that even though she could hear other people screaming and laughing from other areas, she hadn’t seen a single person in her section since she got started.

Her phone buzzed in her hands and she jumped, feeling like an idiot for being scared of something so commonplace. It was yet another text message from Reagan, this one a little more snippy than the one she had gotten twenty minutes earlier:

Have you even made it around the first corner yet? Seriously, where ARE you?

Lexi sighed and shoved the phone back in her pocket, trying not to be annoyed with her friend, but failing miserably. It had been Reagan’s stupid idea to split up in the first place. She had no reason to be upset with Lexi just because her particular route tended to wind around in circles instead of leading to an exit of any kind. And at this point she was tempted to just walk through the corn stalks until she found her way outside the maze. She had been inside for over an hour and half and she was getting nowhere. At this point she almost welcomed one of the people who worked there (no matter how scary they were) because she needed directions to get out of here. If she didn’t make it out soon she was pretty sure her friends were going to take off and leave her behind.

Not to mention the fact that her bladder had started screaming at her half an hour ago.

The maze had gone eerily quiet while she was messing with her phone and she could feel the hairs on the back of her neck prickle. She wasn’t alone, though she wasn’t sure how she knew it.

Carefully, she walked around the next corner, as though she had all the time in the world and wasn’t aware that someone was stalking her through the maze. As soon as she was around the corner (and hopefully out of sight) she took off running, her shoes pushing against the ground and propelling her forward. The corn whipped at her face and hands, scratching her up so the cold air stung even more, but she didn’t stop… couldn’t stop. She could hear them behind her now, a rasping laugh whistling through the air as they chased her down.

Damn them and their single minded devotion to their stupid job.

When that thought registered, she stopped running and laughed weakly. This was a scary corn maze, right? The person chasing her wasn’t going to actually hurt her, just scare her. It was stupid to react this way, stupid to run when all she was going to do was hurt herself. She laughed again, louder this time, and turned to face the person chasing her down.

Of course she had to ruin her cool, nonchalant action by screaming and falling flat on her butt.

Her pursuer was dressed all in black, blending into the darkness of the night, and holding a very lifelike severed head, complete with gouged out eyes and plenty of blood. It would be enough to frighten anyone who wasn’t expecting to see it… and possibly even a few who were.

The whole thing was too much. She was done with the maze, with him and everything else that was going on tonight. She had reached her breaking point.

“Are you freaking kidding me?!” Lexi screamed, pushing herself back up off the ground and brushing the corn leaves and dirt off herself. “I’ve been lost in here for almost two hours, my friends are threatening to leave me out here and head back into town, and now you chase me down with a severed head in your arms?”

No, she wasn’t making much sense. She was rambling and angry, her body shaking with everything she was feeling, but she couldn’t stop herself. She hadn’t really wanted to come in the first place and now she was lost, alone, frightened and so so angry. She just wanted to get out of here.

All of the emotions began to churn inside her and suddenly, without warning, she was sobbing. She felt stupid as well as angry and scared, but still the tears wouldn’t stop. Damn her friends, damn this guy, and damn this stupid maze. Why hadn’t she just stayed home?

“Hey, hey, don’t cry!”

The guy dropped the fake severed head at her feet and unzipped the top of his morphsuit so he could pull it off his face… and goodness he was better looking than she had expected, and maybe just a few years older than her eighteen. It was just her luck that a total hottie would be the guy to scare the crap out of her and make her cry. A total hottie that looked terrified of her tears.

He reached out for her in a clear sign of wanting to comfort her, brushing her face with his hand and making her jump back in surprise. Even through the thin morphsuit, she could still feel the electricity between them and it freaked her out. It wasn’t the normal warmth or attraction that passed from one person to another. It was reminiscent of something she had heard about from Reagan, from her experience of what had happened when she shared her first kiss with Thomas.

His eyes were wide as he took a step away from her. “Is today your Date too?”

Lexi nodded, unable to form words to respond. Out of everything she had expected tonight, sparking with a hot guy who chased her through a dark maze hadn’t been on the list. She actually hadn’t given much thought to the fact that it was her Date. She never did. She figured it would happen when it happened and she wasn’t one to go out looking for it on purpose. Now it had happened (if that was what this was) and she had never been more embarrassed or horrified in her life.

What a first impression to make. On both their parts.

“Do you… I mean… would you like me to walk you to the exit? It’s part of my job anyway,” he suggested, still looking as awestruck as she felt.

“Yeah, actually, that would be helpful. Though, my friends may have already left. Reagan isn’t very patient.” Lexi sighed and tossed his a weary smile. “Sorry if I’m not what you expected.”

He grinned back at her and picked the prop head off the ground. “That was going to be my line.”

Her lips twitched, she couldn’t help it. What a pair they made. A guy who worked in the scariest after dark corn maze in the state… and the coward. It was ridiculous, ironic, and yet somehow exactly right.

“Do you think you could hold my hand? Just so I don’t get scared again?”

He slipped his free hand into hers, the electricity still dancing between their skin through the thin mesh. “I’m Matt, by the way.”

“Lexi.”

“If your friends did take off, would you be interested in sticking around until I get off my shift in an hour or so? We could go out for coffee, maybe get to know one another a bit better?” He asked.

“Yeah, I think I’d like that… to start with anyway.”

He brought her hand to his lips and brushed a kiss against her knuckles, winking as he caught her eye. She flushed, but couldn’t stop the wide smile that had taken root on her face. Tonight hadn’t started out well, but it was definitely looking up. She’d have to thank Reagan for suggesting it.

#Krys's original writing #The Date #soulmate fics #romance

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